Once the Baudelaires and Jerome are out of the penthouse, I’m sure Count Olaf and Esme will be up to no good. After all, they probably spent the evening putting the Quagmires in the shaft and cooking some plan to sneak them out of town. Also, they’re possibly plotting how to steal the Baudelaire fortune again. Anyway, if you haven’t read the book or watched the TV show, you probably stop reading this since there will be spoilers. Okay, Count Olaf and Esme certainly know each other before the novel takes place. Since Olaf was her acting teacher and starred in one of his plays. So it’s very likely the two were intimately involved before Esme met Jerome. In fact, the Unauthorized Autobiography makes it clear that Esme married Jerome for his sweet penthouse and possibly enormous assets. Because the Unauthorized Autobiography has Geraldine Julienne give tips to Esme to “accidentally bump into him” and later marry him after one evening together. Though Jacques Snicket wrote to him stating, “that under no circumstances should you marry that woman.” But thanks to the Hook-Handed Man, Jerome never received that letter. Still, you can’t doubt what Olaf and Esme are doing behind Jerome’s back now that their paths have crossed once more.

Since this is a musical parody, you need a duet between these two. I decided to go with “I’ll Be Surprisingly Good for You” from Evita. In the original, radio actress Eva Duarte first meets her future husband and future President of Argentina, Colonel Juan Peron at a charity concert. Though Eva tells Juan there’s nothing calculated or planned about their encounter, you have to wonder, especially in a musical with a negative perception of her that Argentinians don’t like. Well, I’m sure they may approve of this version since it’s from A Series of Unfortunate Events.

 

“I’ll Be Surprisingly Good for You” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf and Esme Squalor

Esme: Count Olaf
Count Olaf: Esme Squalor

Count Olaf and Esme:
I’ve heard so much about you

Count Olaf and Esme:
I’m amazed, for I’m only an actor (a financial advisor)
Nothing to shout about (One of the thousands)
Only a man on the stage (Trendsetting the city she loves)

Count Olaf:
But when you act, the things you do affect us all

Esme:
But when you act, you take us away from the squalor of the real world
Are you here on your own?

Count Olaf:
Yes, oh yes

Esme:
So am I, what a fortunate coincidence
Maybe you’re my reward for my efforts here tonight

Count Olaf:
It seems crazy but you must believe
There’s nothing calculated, nothing planned
Please forgive me if I seem naive
I would never want to force your hand
But please understand, I’d be good for you

I don’t always rush in like this
Twenty seconds after saying hello
Telling strangers I’m too good to miss
If I’m wrong I hope you’ll tell me so
But you really should know, I’d be good for you
I’d be surprisingly good for you

I won’t go on if I’m boring you
But do you understand my point of view?
Do you like what you hear, what you see
And would you be, good for me too?

I’m not talking of a hurried night
A frantic tumble then a shy goodbye
Creeping home before it gets too light
That’s not the reason that I caught your eye
Which has to imply, I’d be good for you
I’d be surprisingly good for you

Esme:
Please go on, you enthrall me
I can understand you perfectly
And I like what I hear, what I see, and knowing me
I would be good for you too

Count Olaf:
I’m not talking of a hurried night
A frantic tumble then a shy goodbye
Creeping home before it gets too light
That’s not the reason that I caught your eye
Which has to imply, I’d be good for you
I’d be surprisingly good for you