Unfortunately, that “friend” Esme has over turns out to be Count Olaf in disguise. This time he’s a foreign auctioneer named Gunther. He’s wearing a pinstripe suit with a monocle and horse riding boots (in the TV show, he has on boots, pinstripes, sunglasses, and a ponytail). The Baudelaires are astonished that he found them this quickly and past the doorman. The children get straight to the point, stating that Gunther isn’t who he says he is and suggest they strip his disguise. Like many of the adults in the series, the Squalors don’t buy it. Though Jerome does try to ask his wife about Gunther. But she threatens to kick him out of the penthouse if he disagrees with her. Though it’s Jerome’s penthouse so he wouldn’t have to worry about being kicked out. Well, unless he forget to sign a prenuptial agreement. The kids all fake apologies and leave the penthouse with Jerome. But not without Klaus complaining about the suits, which sets off Esme again.

A good song for this I selected was “Eva and Magaldi/Eva, Beware of the City” from Evita. In the original version 15-year-old Eva Duarte takes up with singer Augustin Magaldi and goes to Buenos Aires with her. In real life, this didn’t happen since she more likely went to Buenos Aires with her sister and mom. In this version, I have the Baudelaires accuse Gunther as Count Olaf while Esme’s flipping out at them and Jerome.

 

“Gunther at the Penthouse”

Violet:
How did you find us so fast or get past the doorman?
Who promised to keep you out of this place?

Klaus:
Where have you put Duncan and Isadora?
Listen chump, face the fact
We don’t like your act

Violet:
What kind of plans
You have to steal our fortune?
Put on any ridiculous disguise
But there’s no way you can ever fool us
We’ll tear you apart

Esme:
Now why can’t you be quiet?

Count Olaf (as Gunther):
Hello, please, my name is
Herr Gunther, auctioneer

Esme:
Children, please, his name is
Herr Gunther, auctioneer

Don’t mind the kids, we’re just their legal guardians
It’s illegal to auction them off

Violet:
But, Esme, Jerome, this Gunther is Count Olaf
I’d recognize him anywhere

Klaus:
Listen to what my sister says

Esme:
Those Baudelaires, they’re only talking nonsense
They seem to see Count Olaf wherever they go

Violet:
Maybe we should just make sure

Violet and Klaus:
Perhaps we can both try to strip him down

Jerome:
Count Olaf?
What are you talking about?

Violet and Klaus:
We strongly suspect that this Gunther is Count Olaf
He’s kidnapped our friends and wants to steal our fortune
He must be quite relieved that he’s got past the doorman, so far

Count Olaf:
Hello, please, my name is
Herr Gunther, auctioneer
Who is this Count Olaf guy?
Since I’m new here, so I don’t know
What this man is like

Esme:
Seems to me there’s no point in explaining
Perhaps we should turn to business instead
There’s an “In” Auction I’m now busy organizing
The kids’ concerns are just boring me to death

Jerome:
The Baudelaires are adamant that Gunther is Olaf
Perhaps we might make sure, Gunther isn’t that awful man
Have him at least take off his boots or remove his glass
So the Baudelaires can relax…

Esme:
If you want to live with me, call him by his proper name!
I went through trouble buying smashing pinstripes
And you dare accuse my guest, of being disguised in the penthouse.

Klaus:
Does Esme always put you through this trouble?

Jerome:
Esme, think of the children
They’re nervous and scared, think Gunther is Olaf, it is mad
Maybe we should just relieve their panic
I don’t think they are right yet what better to show that there’s
No Olaf in this room.

Esme:
If you want to live
With me, refer this man properly
This goes for the Baudelaires, he’s Gunther here
Else, you’ll make me regret I took you into my stylish home
Exercise propriety for society
Children, please, his name is Herr Gunther,
Auctioneer

Count Olaf:
Hello, please, my name is Herr Gunther,
Auctioneer

Klaus:
Listen, Esme, we are sorry
And we hope Gunther accepts all our apologies
We’ll now go to Café Salmonella
Though you should’ve bought all our pinstripe getups
In junior, child, and infant size

Esme:
You don’t know what I went through, to give you all those pinstripe suits!
I let you live in my glamourous flat, you spoiled brats.
Orphans may be ‘in’ now, but mine seem rude and loud
Ungrateful children, aren’t you then?
Now you be off to the Café
Salmonella with Jerome

Count Olaf:
Nice to meet you orphaned
Children, Danke Shoen

Jerome:
Children, be polite to our houseguests
Let’s not check Gunther’s brow, ankle, or ask him to leave
If you want to put your minds at ease, slide down these railings
Slide down these railings, so we won’t be late for dinner
And whatever you say, let’s not argue today