Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects

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Anyone who has been in elementary school in America probably has had to do some sort of craft project on Valentine’s Day at some point. One year you might be doing Valentine boxes or the like. Nevertheless, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, many elementary kids don’t have much choice than to participate in it. This consists of sending a set of valentines to their classmates as well as a treat. Yes, it’s kind of a pain, especially for boys who aren’t cultured to have any affinity for such a girly holiday. Nevertheless, there are plenty of craft projects associated with the holiday. And since I did craft projects for the other major holidays, then I couldn’t single this one out. Yet, most of the Valentine’s Day craft projects will consist of hearts and the color pink. However, most of the craft projects I show will be made by adults. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy looking at a treasure trove of Valentine’s Day craft projects.

  1. Grace your home with this heart wreath covered in candy hearts.
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Since candy hearts tend to taste like flavored sugary chalk dust, I think using them for craft projects is for the best. Besides, this is pretty.

2. No one would be more pleased this Valentine’s Day than one receiving a felt flowery heart.

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Seems like this was made by someone who had too much time on their hands. Nevertheless, I really like the flowers on this, especially the purple ones.

3. Show the love this Valentine’s Day with these heart door hangings.

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Seems to consist of 5 red hearts hanging at different ends. And they’re decorated in a variety of different ways.

4. Bring the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home with this tulle heart wreath.

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Seems to be colored in red, pink, and white. And it even has 3 red hearts in the center, too. Nevertheless, it’s quite pretty.

5. For your Valentine’s Day mantle, you can always go with a rose covered tree.

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Of course, the roses are made from paper that you have to cut out (which I would be very bad at). Still, this looks very pretty if you ask me.

6. To make it small, you can always send a clothes pin valentine.

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You have to open this one to get a message. Not surprisingly, it’s supposed to be rather brief.

7. If you don’t like your Valentine’s Day tree with roses, you can always go with some hearts.

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As this picture says, these are made from ombre. Not sure what that is. Still, it seems like these hearts range from red, white, and 50 shades of pink.

8. When you fold hearts, you can turn them into flower petals.

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As you see, these purple, pink, and yellow flowers are made of hearts and form into one. And they all have pearl beads in the center.

9. For the one who lights up your life, this light bulb will do just fine.

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However, if the light of your life happens to be an electrical engineer, they probably won’t be impressed by the fact it most likely doesn’t light up. Still, like the hearts.

10. For your little one this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this heart onesie and cap.

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I bet this is for a girl as I could tell by the ribbons on the shoulders. Also, because most parents wouldn’t dress their sons in such outfits either. Well, as far as I know.

11. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home than wooden hearts on sticks.

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Love how these are in different patterns and sizes. Yet, they all are tied with the same heart ribbon.

12. Grace your lovely home this Valentine’s Day with a bauble wreath.

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You’re probably going to see a lot of Valentine’s Day wreaths on this post. This one is probably the most delicate of them all. And one of the prettiest.

13. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with a large heart decorated with candy hearts.

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I don’t know about you, but I strongly think they should market candy hearts as craft materials from now on. Because those candies aren’t at all fit for human consumption.

14. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without a set of “Love” blocks.

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And I guess the “o” is a heart. Surely those blocks used some stencils to make them. But they nevertheless look lovely.

15. For a more rustic look on your front door, you can always go with a heart of roses.

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I’m sure the flora on this is fake, given that it’s winter. Still, seems almost as if it came from a store. But it looks beautiful.

16. Decorate your mantle this Valentine’s Day with some XO blocks.

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These consist of red “x’s” and white “o’s.” Nevertheless, not sure why “x’s” and “o’s” came to mean kisses and hugs. Maybe it has to do with Morse code.

17. This heart shirt would be perfect for any little girl on Valentine’s Day.

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I’m sure this little girl will outgrow this in a few weeks as kids grow rather quickly. Nevertheless, it’s so cute.

18. This rosy heart tree would make a fine addition to any home.

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Yes, this is a fake tree with fake roses on it. But I do think this person did a way better job on this than I ever could in my life.

19. Keep yourself warm this winter with this Valentine’s Day heart quilt.

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Not sure if it’s for actual use and I highly doubt. But you have to love the red hearts on this. You really do.

20. You can’t get more cuddly on Valentine’s Day than with these two adorable bears.

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Well, at least as far when it comes to bears you can make. The girl one has a bow in her head. Still, these two are so adorable if you ask me.

21. Be all hugs and kisses this Valentine’s Day by gracing your front door with this XO wreath.

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As you see, it’s made from some fake white roses and ruffled red cloth. Still, I’m sure it’s bound to stand out in the neighborhood.

22. If you’re not using a planter urn, perhaps you can make some Valentine’s Day decoration from it.

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I bet this decoration used a lot of sparkly party stuff. Nevertheless, I like the bow tied on the black urn the best in this.

23. Got a bunch of pink gift ribbons lying around? Make a heart wreath out of it.

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Yes, this is a ribbon wreath. And yes, it’s mostly pink. But still, I find it rather ingenious if you think about it.

24. This candy heart bouquet is sure to make a fine Valentine’s Day centerpiece.

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Of course, the flowers aren’t roses and may seem a bit springy. Nevertheless, they certainly match the candy hearts in the vase.

25. This white Valentine’s Day tree is decked in red hearts.

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Yes, this is a Valentine’s Day tree. No, I don’t know why people do this. But yes, I did post it because it’s unique and has hearts on it.

26. For a great table centerpiece on Valentine’s Day, you can’t do better than a vase with sparkly branches and hanging hearts.

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I guess making this made a big mess when it came to dousing the branches with glitter. Still, I think guests will be pleased by the results.

27. For Valentine’s Day decorations, you can’t go wrong with sequin hearts.

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Normally, I tend to view sequins as a tacky material you’d see at some disco. But these aren’t that bad if you ask me.

28. These flower pot candy dispensers are a great way to store Valentine’s Day candy.

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Of course, to be safe, you might want to buy the flower pots at the craft store first. Still, seems lie a rather clever idea.

29. Grace your couch this Valentine’s Day with a one of a kind heart blanket.

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Wonder if it’s made by someone with too much time on their hands. Also, not sure if it goes well with that couch either.

30. Cuddle up this Valentine’s Day with this quilted valentine heart pillow.

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Hears come in so many different colors and patterns. But most of them are pink. Still, not sure if anyone would have time to do this though.

31. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

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Don’t tell me they made a Valentine’s Day rip off of the Advent Calendar. Sure it only contains 14 days, but that’s a 2 week span.

32. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with Cupid arrows.

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All it seems to take are skewers, felt hearts, electrical tape, and feathers. Seems easy for kids. However, they’d probably not make any at school due to weapons policies.

33. This Valentine’s Day, store candy in some felt fortune cookies.

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Now this seems like a rather clever idea for kids to do Valentine’s Day treats for their classmates. However, not sure if some of them are old enough to do the sayings.

34. If you can’t make love arrows from skewers, use clothes pins.

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Seems like these arrows look rather easy to make. But I don’t think any I’d make would turn out to be as nice as these.

35. Light up your home this Valentine’s Day with some rainbow heart lights.

 

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And these seemed to be rather tangled up by the looks of it. Nevertheless, these hearts are made from paper so the lights can shine through them.

36. If you’re going for a more rustic Valentine’s Day look, you can’t do wrong with a wreath made of pine cones.

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This seems rather quaint. However, I bet any money that those pine cones came from a craft store.

37. Got too many candy hearts lying around? Make a tree of them.

 

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Yes, this is another art form with the Valentine’s Day candies that aren’t fit for human consumption. Nevertheless, that pink goes well with the heart pastel colors.

38. If you love candy hearts, then you’ll like these candy heart wall hangings.

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Yes, these are wooden candy hearts that are painted and covered in glitter. Sayings include, “love you,” “be mine,” “kiss me,” and “XOXO.”

39. Anyone is sure to love a Valentine’s Day bouquet of hearts.

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The hearts may be made from felt and the stems made from wire. But this bouquet is surely lovely to behold.

40. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the woods without some acorn hearts.

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They’re acorns with hearts on them. And painting the hearts seems to require a rather small paint brush and precision.

41. For a Valentine’s Day centerpiece, you can’t go wrong with a candy bouquet.

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Don’t tell me that they have Valentine’s Day candy corn. Seriously, that stuff was bad enough around Halloween. Do we really need to deal with candy wax around Valentine’s Day?

42. This heart wall hanging is sure to be lovely on any front door.

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These are red hearts brought together with some fancy ribbon. The top is a bow with some other ribbons and trimmings.

43. Candy hearts are bound to go well with any form of outdoor decoration.

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These hearts are made from foam and are spray painted on. Some with stencils. Still, probably taste better than chalk dusty candy hearts, don’t you think.

44. If you like polka dots, then this Valentine’s Day wreath is for you.

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Well, the polka dot cloth goes nice with the red and white motif. Also contains red and white ribbons and flowers.

45. These Valentine’s Day bottles will show how love is in the air within your home.

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And these are decorated in different ways and in different. Not sure what to think about the silver one though.

46. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day gift than a heart button mosaic in a heart shaped pan.

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Of course, if my mom had a heart shaped pan, she would certainly not let me do a button mosaic on it. Still, wonder how much glue they used.

47. Receive valentines with your very own Valentine’s Day mailbox.

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That’s a really nice pink mailbox. Unfortunately, where I live, you can’t have one of at your house due to increment weather and an incident with mass vandalism.

48. For candlelight dinners, these Valentine’s Day candle holders can’t be beat.

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Yes, these are festive candle holders. Unfortunately, my mom can forget having a romantic candle light dinner unless the power goes out. My dad tends to get migraines.

49. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day centerpiece than a bouquet of duct tape roses.

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These look pretty. Then again, not sure if I can make as lovely roses as these with duct tape. Probably bound to mess up and waste the stuff.

50. Cozy up to a warm fire this Valentine’s Day with this rustic heart pillow.

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The pillow is made of canvas while the heart is outlined with ribbon. Nevertheless, I’m sure anyone would enjoy this.

51. These Valentine’s Day pom pom monsters are bound to melt your heart.

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These are so adorable and seem rather easy to make. Then again, not sure what these monsters have to do with Valentine’s Day. I really don’t.

52. For baby boys, this love bandit onesie will do just fine.

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I suppose girl bandits could wear this, too. However, there are plenty of girl Valentine outfits available. And this one seems less girly than the others.

53. Store your Valentine’s Day treats in these appropriate cookie jars.

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Has a chalkboard bubble you can write stuff on with chalk. If you don’t have any, then candy hearts will certainly do.

54. This wreath has a lot of hearts in its branches.

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Seems that the hearts on this are made of paper. But it seems to have plenty of love to go around.

55. Grace your door on Valentine’s Day with this heart wall hanging.

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Seems like something you’d put on a tombstone in a cemetery, but more festive. Not sure if it’s a craft project or store bought item. But it’s from Pinterest.

56. This wooden heart would make a lovely Valentine’s Day addition to anyone’s home.

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I bet this was made from some crate. Has stripes in several different colors like red, white, and pink, as well as black.

57. Cover your Valentine’s Day tree with candy hearts for a lovely impression.

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Because candy hearts are better used for craft projects than human consumption. Because nobody wants to eat chalk.

58. For a more down home feel, this “XOXO” wreath will do quite nicely.

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Has 2 white cloth wreaths for “o’s” and 2 sets of cross twigs for “x’s”. And it’s strung together with a red ribbon.

59. For ceiling hangings, you can’t go wrong with a mobile with hearts.

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Yes, I know the colors are drab on this one. But I think it’s an ingenious design, especially with the lace on top and the paper hearts.

60. Nothing makes a better candy holder than a jar filled with candy hearts.

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Let’s hope this candle doesn’t smell like candy hearts or chalk dust. Still, I love the pink bow around this.

61. Nothing makes a better display for your doorstop this Valentine’s Day than this pink, fuzzy wreath.

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Yes, it’s a pink tulle wreath. Yes, it has 3 hearts on it. Still, don’t tell me you wouldn’t want this on your door. You’d totally get this.

62. This XOXO wreath is a true Valentine’s Day delight.

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While it’s mostly silver, it has a XOXO banner across as well as lovely flowers. Surely a lovely wreath, indeed.

63. This tulle wreath shows all kinds of love for Valentine’s Day.

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This is in black and red tulle strips. And it has wooden letters spelling “LOVE.” Quite pretty though.

64. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without an assortment of love tags.

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To be fair these are made of wood and aren’t painted well. Nevertheless, these are quite nice if you ask me.

65. Keep yourself clean this Valentine’s Day with these heart soaps.

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Seem to resemble candy hearts with sayings on them. Wonder how any of them smell like.

66. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a ribbon tree.

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Seems like this was made from all kinds of pink and white Valentine’s Day ribbons. Nevertheless, I love the ribbon and button star on the top.

67.  If you have a heart, then you’re bound to love this little Tin Man.

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And it’s even made out of tin cans and a funnel. It even has a heart ticker. Still, I’m not a big fan of the Wizard of Oz. Think it’s pretty creepy with the flying monkeys.

68. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day than a bunch of hearts stacked on a pot.

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Each one has a red ribbon below it. Also, each heart is made from wood. Yet, all these hearts are linked by a vine.

69. This Valentine’s Day wall hanging is one that you’ll certainly grow to love.

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Sayings on this one are, “Love,” “Be Mine,” and “XOXO.” Yet, this is wonderful piece of Valentine’s Day decor.

70. If you have some blank pallets, you can’t do any wrong making some spray painted candy hearts on them.

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Of course, stencils were used as you look here. But they sure are lovely, especially on this table.

71. For Valentine’s Day, these love rocks are great for your lovely home.

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Well, as doorstops and paper weights anyway. And they’re quite intricately painted as well. Very beautiful.

72. This tulle Valentine’s Day wreath will surely warm your heart.

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This one has pink, black, and red tulle strips. And it has a heart with a bow near the bottom. So pretty.

73. Decorate your home for Valentine’s Day with this lovely canvas garland of hearts.

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This seems to have a rustic feel to this decoration. And it uses felt hearts, too. Lovely if I daresay.

74. Celebrate Valentine’s Day by hanging this lovely leopard skin heart ribbon wreath on your door.

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Not a big fan of leopard prints. Somehow I think this is rather tacky as hell. But I’m sure someone is bound to like it. Yet, it’s just not me.

75. These hugs and kisses blocks are just too  sweet to miss.

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Sure lit looks kind of frilly and in pink. But you have to like these because they’re so adorable.

76. These blocks will surely bring the love into your home.

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These blocks spell “LOVE.” And they’re all held together by a red tulle bow.

77. If you want to give out candy for Valentine’s Day, these heart jars can’t be beat.

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Of course, if I received something like these jars, I’d throw out the candy hearts and keep the jar. Seriously, candy hearts are disgusting.

78. Grace your door this Valentine’s Day with this red and pink wreath.

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Seems to be decorated with hearts, branches, and baubles. And it even has a pink ribbon around it.

79. This rose tree centerpiece is bound to liven any Valentine’s Day table.

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I’m sure the roses are fake and and the beads are draped down. Still, it’s so pretty and I bet it took a lot of time to make.

80. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a heart wreath of roses.

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I’m sure the roses on this are fake and are in shades of white, red, pink, and purple. Nevertheless, they’re very pretty if you ask me.

81. Place your Valentine’s Day candy is this lovely heart yarn basket.

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This seems rather clever. Of course, I’m sure there had to be sticks to hold it up.

82. This heart shaped wreath has berries all over its branches.

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This mostly consists of red and white berries which I know are fake. Nevertheless, I surely love the red ribbon on top.

83. You can’t have a wonderful Valentine’s Day without a large block of love.

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Well, it’s a large glass block that says, “Love” and “Be Mine” and it’s filled with candy heart. And it’s all tied up with a ribbon.

84. For flowers, this Valentine’s Day fingerprint vase will do quite nicely.

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These vases are obviously bought from a craft star. And the hearts are made by fingerprints. But these are certainly cute.

85. You can’t do Valentine’s Day without some heart crayons.

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Seems to come in 4 different colors. Nevertheless, these are rather adorable and I’m sure kids would like them.

86. This quilted heart cloth makes a fine table centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dining room.

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It’s a patchwork spread with a heart in a middle. But you have to think it’s rather quaint if you ask me.

87. This love block is sure to light up your room on Valentine’s Day.

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It’s a lovely block with a rather simple design. Yet, I surely love the ribbon tying this one. Like the light, too.

88. This white wall hanging of hearts is a great Valentine’s Day decoration in your home.

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Seems to resemble some vintage Valentine’s Day decorations. Yet, I found this on Pinterest. Nevertheless, love the flowers on these.

89. Grace your home with this pink heart wreath of tissue roses.

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I’m sure kids could make something like this. However, it seems to take a lot of time. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful.

90. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a heart sparkle dish.

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Of course, you can’t eat anything on it. But you have to love the sparkles on here. Nevertheless, it’s very pretty if you ask me.

91. Grace your home this Valentine’s Day with these floral heart wreaths.

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These consist of a purple one, a pink one, and one that’s in between. Yes, the flowers are fake and seem to resemble those on a tombstone. But they’re so beautiful.

92. When it comes to candle decor, you can’t do better than these Valentine’s Day candle wrappers.

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These seem rather simple to make. Just some fancy cloth and some hearts attached to a pony tail holder. How hard could this be?

93. For your country home, this lovely wooden heart would look great on your wall.

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Seems this uses a lot of glitter which can make a real mess. But it does seem to be quite pretty, nevertheless.

94. If you love music, then you’ll adore this little heart guitar.

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Yes, this is a kid craft project. No, I don’t think you could actually play it. But I’m sure some of my fans will appreciate it.

95. Spruce up your dining room this Valentine’s Day with this chair cover of hearts.

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Not sure how many are available. But you have to love all the hearts on these. They tend to come in so many shapes and sizes.

96. Light up your Valentine’s Day with these glitter heart candle holders.

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These are so adorable. Sure the glitter makes a mess. Yet, the mess seems to be totally worth it as you see the results.

97. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile without these decorative plates.

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Sayings are “Kiss Me,” “Be Mine,” and “Love You.” Still, these are so utterly adorable.

98. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t do wrong with a heart wreath of red roses.

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If you’re a rustic romantic, this is the kind of Valentine’s Day wreath for you. Not sure if it’s easy to make but it sure is beautiful.

99. Those who love Valentine’s Day will certainly enjoy this floral heart wreath.

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This seems to be made by either a professional or someone with too much time on their hands. Still, it sure is beautiful though.

100. If you love Valentine’s Day, you’d surely find this button wreath adorable.

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Yes, it’s a heart shaped button wreath. I’m sure it’s filled with all kinds of buttons. But it sure looks so cute.

Be Mine with These Valentine’s Day Treats (Second Edition)

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As you may have guessed, Valentine’s Day isn’t one of my favorite holidays, and I’m doing such posts early this year so I can get the holiday over with. Last year, I did a post on Valentine’s Day treats and it received a rather warm reception. So I decided to do another one for all my fans out there. As we all know, Valentine’s Day is a highly celebrated holiday. And it’s no surprise that many people tend to hold Valentine’s Day parties which aren’t as extravagant as the ones they have on Christmas. But there are plenty of treats people post on Pinterest associated with the holiday which leaves me with a lot to work with. Not to mention, the fact most schoolchildren are usually obligated to bring valentines and treats to school as well. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of some more Valentine’s Day treats.

  1. For starters, we begin with the chocolate hearts on sticks.
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Wonder whether these are made with cake or marshmallow filling. Probably marshmallow, I guess. But they look so cute.

2. These animal cookies are bound to melt your heart.

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Now these consist of a butterfly, a ladybug, an owl, a bird, a dog, and a penguin. But they’re all so adorable in their own special way.

3. For your Valentine’s Day party, you can’t go wrong with XO salad.

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Yes, the X’s and O’s are made from cheese. Bit it includes some cucumber hearts as well.

4. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day than some red heart gobs.

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Yes, these are little heart cupcake sandwiches. Not sure how big they are. For all I know they could be rather bite size.

5. How about some heart churos with your coffeee?

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These are churos made into hearts. And yes, a few of them fit wonderfully on a saucer like this one.

6. With heart shaped marshmallows and candy, you can make your own Valentine’s sundae.

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Yet, between the two of these, I’ll take the one with the M&M’s. Those heart candies tastes like sugary chalk dust.

7. Grace your Valentine’s Day cupcakes with red icing, hearts, and roses.

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Now these seem like classic Valentine’s Day cupcakes. I’m sure they were made in a bakery though. Nevertheless, they’ll surely do.

8. These Rice Krispie treats contain chocolate hearts for your Valentine’s Day delight.

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I don’t know about you but I think these look delicious. And they have chocolate, too.

9. These heart shaped potatoes will go well with any Valentine’s Day dinner.

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Sure to go with any heart shaped steak or meat as you desire. Think it’s a rather clever idea though.

10. With heart cookies like these, you can make a wreath.

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Yes, that is a heart cookie wreath. Yes, I think this was professionally made. Nevertheless, I think it’s great and you should, too.

11. Feast your eyes on this envelope tart.

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It’s like a tart with an envelope crust and fruity filling inside. This one is totally well suited for Valentine’s Day as you see.

12. These marshmallow robots on a stick are only filled with love.

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I’m sure these aren’t edible since they’re of the same composition as marshmallow peeps. However, you can’t doubt their cuteness by any stretch of the imagination.

13. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with some tarts by the Queen of Hearts.

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well, they may not be made by the Queen of hearts (because she doesn’t exist). But these do have hearts and they are cute.

14. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without some valentine chicken pot pie.

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Then again, it might be quiche. However, you have to admire the hearts on the crust. That’s quite creative.

15. Be kind to your heart this Valentine’s Day with some heart salad.

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Yes, it’s a salad with hearts. And yes, those hearts are made from cheese and bacon bits. And so is the lettuce.

16. Grace your Valentine’s Day dessert platter with cheesecake with hearts.

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This cheesecake has hearts all over it in a spiral. Sure it’s professionally made but it looks so pretty.

17. For healthy Valentine’s Day snack, you can’t go wrong with these fruity ladybugs.

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Wonder how they get the berries into the strawberry. Nevertheless, these fruity bugs are so adorable.

18. Wake up in the morning to some Valentine’s Day crepes.

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I guess “crepes” are fancy looking pancakes from how I see it. Can’t really do a design like that because I’d sure mess up somewhere.

19. For frozen treats, these Valentine’s Day ice cream sandwiches will do the trick.

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Seems like you put some strawberry ice cream between 2 chocolate cookies. Then decorate with icing hearts however you like.

20. Nothing makes a better centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dessert platter than this “My Heart Pounds for You” cake.

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It’s basically a pound cake with strawberries in it and shaped like a hot. And this one consists of chocolate and vanilla.

21. If hearts aren’t your thing, you can always go with kiss lips.

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These are “Big Kiss Cake Pops.” Yes they tend to look like plastic lips on a stick. But they’re not.

22. These heart sticks are great with a cup of hot chocolate.

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It’s a cookie stick with some chocolate icing and mini marshmallows. Wonder if it tastes like a smore. Probably not.

23. For Valentine’s Day dinner, heart ravioli is a lovely treat.

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And it seems like these ravioli can go with anything like shrimp. Nevertheless, it’s rather likely these are filled with cheese.

24. Wake up this Valentine’s Day morning to some heart shaped donuts.

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Of course, if you eat enough of these, they’re not bound to do your heart much good. Still, you have to love these.

25. For Valentine’s Day dinner, you can’t do better for a vegetable than with some heart shaped carrots.

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I guess these carrot hearts were made for kids and to go with peas. Nevertheless, they’re adorable.

26. Make your Valentine’s Day party a success with some kiss lips fruit salad.

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As you see, the kiss lips, XO, and hearts are all made from watermelon. Nevertheless, it seems like a rather ingenious idea conducted by someone with too much time on their hands.

27. Then again, a fruit salad with hearts is just as nice.

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Seems like this salad has more hearts than the last one. And they don’t just consist of watermelon either.

28. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a pie covered in hearts.

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Guess this is a strawberry pie as I can tell. Nevertheless, its crust is all covered in hearts like I said.

29. Your valentine is bound to enjoy these envelope sugar cookies.

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And they fit in a shiny red mailbox as far as I can see. Nevertheless, they’re quite cute.

30. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day sweeter than a cake covered in heart shaped candies.

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Of course, you might want to take the candies off as you eat it. Those things taste like chalk dust and flavored sugar. It’s disgusting.

31. Nothing makes a better addition to your Valentine’s Day party platter than some pink deviled eggs with hearts.

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Guess these hearts are made from beets from how I see it. Not sure what to think about the pink, though.

32. Heart cookies are always cuter when they’re ladybugs.

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I’m sure kids are bound to love these. Not sure why they use ladybugs for Valentine’s Day. But these are adorable.

33. You’ll find a red heart when you take a slice of this cake.

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Yes, this Valentine’s cake has a heart inside. Not sure how they do this. Still, I like that it’s chocolate.

34. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t resist these Hershey Kiss sugar cookies.

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Consist of red, pink, and silver. May not be chocolate. But they sure look good to me.

35. You can’t have a Valentine’s Day party without rainbow jello hearts.

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However, before your kids eat them, ask the host whether they contain alcohol. Remember just because it’s jello, doesn’t mean it’s for kids.

36. For healthier options, you might want to go with these heart fruit kabobs.

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Consists of strawberries and grapes. And it seems that the strawberries are shaped like hearts, too.

37. This Valentine’s Day, your heart will melt for these X and O smores.

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Seems like they consist of chocolate covered cookies with marshmallows sandwiched between them. Sure look good though.

38. You can’t go wrong this Valentine’s Day with these heart biscuits.

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I know biscuits aren’t the best things for you. But they sure taste so good that they’re irresistible.

39. Those in the Tex-Mex mood will surely enjoy these heart empanadas.

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Guess an empanada is a Mexican calzone of some sort. But these certainly look delicious.

40. You can’t go wrong on Valentine’s Day without these marshmallow candy hearts.

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Sure taste better than the real thing. Because almost anything tastes better than sugar, chalk dust, and artificial flavors. And that’s a fact.

41. Warm up this Valentine’s Day with some tomato soup and grilled cheese heart sandwiches.

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By the way, you dip your sandwich in the soup if I’m not mistaken. Hope you get my drift.

42. These cocktail cupcakes will sure make a fine addition on any Valentine’s Day party dessert platter.

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Seems like these cupcakes are made in cocktail glasses. Wonder if they’re oven resistant. Must be but you’ll never know.

43. Delight your guests this Valentine’s Day with these stained glass heart cookies.

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These seem to come in several different colors and flavors. Still, wonder how you get the jello in the heart because I’m stumped of how that works.

44. Your Valentine’s Day party will liven up with these sugar cookie candy hearts.

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And I guarantee you that they’ll be much better than anything made from sweetened chalk dust with artificial flavoring. Seriously, real candy hearts are disgusting.

45. On Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with these smore cookies.

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These consists of chocolate covered graham crackers with heart marshmallows on top. Perfect for any winter day.

46. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without these heart patty candies.

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Not sure what they’re made of. But according to Pinterest, they’re said to be edible because there’s a recipe listed.

47. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a chocolate lover’s cheesecake.

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They have hearts on top in a regular and white chocolate swirl. Of course, I’m sure they’re incredibly delicious.

48. These heart pretzels make the ideal Valentine’s Day snack.

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Yes, these pretzels aren’t all uniform. But I’m sure somebody would find them quite tasty.

49. All these Valentine’s Day cookies fit well in a cute red little box.

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Mostly consists of letters and hearts. Still, you have to love these, especially since they’re chocolate.

50. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a cake with 3 hearts in it.

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The hearts are supposed to be made of raspberry buttercream icing, according to Pinterest. Still, the chocolate makes it look delicious.

51. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you have an X and O brownie dish on your dessert platter.

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Available in chocolate and vanilla filling. Nevertheless, they sure look tasty that’s for sure.

52. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you feast your eyes on this salad.

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Seems to consist of tomatoes in a heart shape with some marshmallows in the center. Quite ingenious if you get my drift.

53. Grace your dessert platter this Valentine’s Day with this pink rose topped cake.

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This looks like a lovely cake. Guess it’s professionally made or created by someone with too much time on their hands. But it sure looks pretty.

54. Treat yourself this Valentine’s Day to some heart shaped potato skins.

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Contains cheese and bacon as well as some spices. You can even dip them in some dip of sour cream.

55. These Valentine’s Day candy kabobs are sure to be a real treat.

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Not sure if I’d want to eat any of the candies on this stick. But I’m sure kids are going to love them. Yet, I do like the ribbons.

56. For Valentine’s Day dinner, you can’t go wrong with some heart beat salad.

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It consists of hearts and they are made of beets. Get it? Still, seems to look great.

57. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you will certainly fall in love with these cupcakes.

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Really like this arrangement here. Like the hearts, especially the ones that spell “LOVE.”

58. Those who enjoy some Japanese fare will enjoy some heart shaped sushi.

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None of them seem to be in the traditional Valentine’s Day colors like red, white, or pink. But they certainly do look wonderful if you ask me.

59. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without some red heart shaped bread.

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I think this bread might be in the dough stage and made by a professional. Nevertheless, it sure looks lovely, and possibly tasty when it’s break.

60. All that don this cake are hearts and roses.

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Not sure if those roses are edible. But they sure look pretty. Also love the chocolate icing.

61. If you want to keep your heart healthy this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this hearty salad.

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Consists of hearts of tomatoes, cucumbers, and cheese. Nevertheless, whoever made this must’ve had too much time on their hands as far as I’m concerned.

62. These heart pretzels will make a tasty Valentine’s Day treat.

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Consists of pretzels, candy hearts, and nutella. Nevertheless, they’re probably the easiest treats on this post so far.

63. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you feast your eyes on these chocolate covered Valentine’s Day Oreos.

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Yes, these are Oreos with hearts on them. Still, other than the design, they seem rather easy to make.

64. This heart shaped cookie cake is a perfect edition to your Valentine’s Day party dessert platter.

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Seems to consist of a chocolate chip cookie crust with a chocolate filling that’s sprinkled with candy hearts and chocolate chips. Sure looks delicious though.

65. You can’t have a great Valentine’s Day party without including some chocolate covered pretzels with hearts.

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All it takes are candy hearts, pretzel sticks and chocolate. Nevertheless, it’s a rather doable snack.

66. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a cake of a box of chocolates.

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Now this is better than any box of chocolates (well, at least samplers). Seriously, if you receive a box, how many of those would you actually want to eat? My point.

67. For healthy options, you can’t go wrong with this rainbow fruit snack platter.

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Seems that this tray has a different fruit for every color. Well, there are 2 representing green, but still. And the grapes are in the wrong place as well.

68. For Valentine’s Day, feast your eyes on some Salámové.

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But to me, it’s a form of pizza. Nevertheless, this is the kind of food art that’s done by repressed art majors at grocery store delis.

69. Wake up this Valentine’s Day morning with some heart shaped French toast.

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Now this resembles the kind of breakfast you’d see at some fancy restaurant or 5-star hotel. And each bit is topped with icing and strawberries.

70. Add some color in your life with these rainbow heart Rice Krispie treats.

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Yes, they’re candy heart colored. But I assure you, they will taste much better. Seriously, sugary chalk dust is disgusting.

71. Would you like some heart marshmallows in your hot chocolate?

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Well, this seems rather easy, until you realize you need a heart cutter that small. But it’s still cute.

72. These raspberry cookie sandwiches will be a Valentine’s Day delight.

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Well, I see some of them also have strawberries as well. Nevertheless, it’s in a heart so it goes on this post.

73. For Valentine’s Day, have some strawberry cake in a jar.

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Yes, it’s a cake in a jar. Don’t ask me how this was made. And it has a red heart on top.

74. I call this Valentine’s Day delight, “Death by Chocolate.”

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It’s a cake smothered in every kind of chocolate you can think of. And it’s topped with white heart.

75. Nothing makes a better addition for your Valentine’s Day dessert platter than some flying heart cupcakes.

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Wings seem to come in red, pink, and white. Not sure what they’re made of. But I think this is a clever idea.

76. Anyone who loves Valentine’s Day will love these Cupid cookies.

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These use gingerbread man cookie cutters but they’re in red velvet. Nevertheless, they’re adorable.

77. Valentine’s popcorn makes a lovely snack.

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However, before I’d eat this, I’d take out the candy hearts first. Flavored sugar chalk is disgusting to say the least.

78. You can’t have a great Valentine’s Day dinner without some heart salad.

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Contains hearts among tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and carrots. However, you might want to remove the toothpicks before you eat the tomatoes.

79. This plate of Valentine’s Day sushi contains pink hearts.

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Wonder how they got the heart in this sushi. Perhaps it’s better not to dwell on it too much.

80. A cake like this is bound to have kisses all over it.

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However, I assure you it’s perfectly safe to eat. Because I’m positive whoever made this used stamps for the imprints.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

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Yes, I know Valentine’s Day is only a month away but it’s not one of my favorite holidays, except when it pertains to blogging about it. And posting about vintage valentines are one of these reasons since they get a lot of views during this time. So it helps that I start as early as possible. Nevertheless, when we think of Valentines Day, we tend to think of cutesy things like hearts, love, candy, and other things pertaining to this massively commercialized holiday. Another feature on Valentine’s are well, valentines, which have existed since this holiday was around. As I said some time before, when some people think of vintage valentines, they tend to think about cutesy cards like the one I showed above. Yes, it has a quote from the Bible but I’d put it on there anyway if I didn’t. Now I could show you all the lovely vintage valentines on this post. But as before you’d find them drab and bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show you more of some of the vintage valentines that make you want to scratch your head and wonder why the hell did they exist. So for your reading pleasure, I present to you some more crazy valentines from yesterday.

  1. This lady has a Valentine’s Day offering from her boyfriend.
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Yes, you may wonder how she managed to snag a guy in the first place. However, perhaps it’s not our place to judge even though she kind of does seem like the kind of woman who’d put children in an oven.

2. Nothing shows the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a clown about to shoot himself.

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Hey, man, just because she turned you down, doesn’t mean you have to end it all. It’s probably not your fault. Seriously, you need help.

3. “The blood tastes like love, I play it a song while it bleeds!”

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And from the look at this boy’s face, I suspect that he’ll be on his way to become a future neighborhood psychokiller. Avoid him like the plague.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than sending your sweetheart a card stealthily asking her for sex.

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Yes, I know what “yank my doodle means.” And no, I really don’t want to know whether it’s a dandy. Really don’t want to know.

5. “You can’t put the ‘fire’ in my heart for you!”

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Seems like there’s a fire between the girl’s legs and despite her dress about to be burnt, she seems quite excited at the boy having his hose up that’s spraying water everywhere. Now that doesn’t look right.

6. “I don’t….’aim’ to miss – I want you for my valentine!”

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Yes, nothing looks better on a valentine than an image of a smoking gun. You know, something that was made to kill stuff with the pull of a trigger. Not sure if that’s appropriate for romance.

7. You can’t have cuter valentine than one of a cute witch cooking a bunch of hearts in a cauldron.

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Guys, take note, if this cute witch asks for a potion of your love, you give it to her, please. Otherwise, you might end up like the others who refused her. Look in the pot.

8. Wood you be a valentine for this eager beaver?

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For a rather wholesome animal, they tend to be featured on rather dirty valentines. This one is no exception, especially since the eager beaver is female and asks for wood.

9. This butcher will “stake” his heart on you.

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And there he goes gleefully raising his cleaver as he cuts some meat on a wooden table. Yes, butcher themed valentines are rather disturbing to say the least.

10. “Don’t be cross, ‘gas’ who it is?”

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I don’t know. Some terrifying battlefield nurse with a very inappropriate bedside manner? That’s the impression I get from this.

11. On Valentine’s Day, he’s going hunting to find a fine valentine like you.

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I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid this boy with a vengeance even if he does have a box of chocolates. Seriously, that look in his eyes makes him seem like he has murder on the mind. Or he just may be an “excitable boy” (in the Warren Zevon context).

12. The Devil knows that you’ll have a hot time with him on Valentine’s Day.

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Then again, I might want to take a pass on this satyr boy from hell. He just looks evil if you ask me. Then again, you should expect that from Satan.

13. Of course, nothing brings out the wholesome romantic spirit of Valentines Day than a date with ice cream.

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Okay, that’s probably the most phallic ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a double header. all right, but it resembles some guy’s junk. Some guy’s junk, I tell you.

14. This bunny is loaded with love for you.

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This bunny is also carrying a loaded shotgun that’s just discharged. Let’s just say this little gun toting rabbit just failed Gun Safety 101.

15. “Just say you’ll be my valentine and watch me ‘lap it up.'”

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Okay, that’s not the kind of relationship anyone should have with their canine companions. Seriously, why anyone think that this card was a good idea? Why?

16. This Valentine’s Day feature: Dickie’s Romance.

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A dickie t’ween you and me. I think I get the message on that one. Yet, I’m not sure if he’s talking about the movie or something else.

17. This firefighter is burning to know hose valentine are you.

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Again with the fireman motifs. Still, if she says it’s not him, is the firefighter going to leave so she’ll burn to a crisp? That’s what I’m wondering.

18. “Valentine, ‘house’ my chance to ‘nail’ you for mine?”

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This boy seems to have such an innocent face for an outright pervert. Yeah, this is a pretty dirty valentine asking to get some.

19. “I’m cock sure you’re meant to be my valentine!”

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Not sure if the kid was being wholesome. But the moment when you see the word, “cock.” you’re bound to imagine what’s the nature of his intentions.

20. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like forcing yourself onto the object of your affections.

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Uh, I don’t know about you. But I think “steal a hug” might qualify as sexual harassment since it’s totally unwanted. And he’s basically saying that he’s coming on to her whether she wants him or not. How romantic! Yeah right.

21. If you like ’em smooth and slick, then he’s the guy you want to pick.

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Is that the kid from the Big Boy restaurant chain? Man, has he grown. And he seems to be way more creepy than how I remember him.

22. “You can kick me around and I won’t mind, valentine!”

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Translated: “You can treat me like crap all you want but I don’t care.” Seems like such sender either is so desperate for a valentine and has no self-esteem or is a masochist. So maybe you shouldn’t lead with that.

23. “You ‘strike’ me just right, my valentine!”

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Clearly, this doesn’t seem like a foundation to a healthy relationship. Sure she hit the ball that gave him a black eye by accident, but still. It’s pretty disturbing.

24. “I’m out to get you for my valentine.”

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Great, I’ll be under my bed. Couldn’t possibly see anything more romantic than having my life threatened into being your valentine (sarcasm).

25. “You’re my target so be my valentine.”

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Okay, so is this supposed to be a friendly request or a death threat? So I guess this guy is going to vaporize me if I say no? Brilliant!

26. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a circus clown scaring the bejesus out of you.

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Hey, at least she only saw the spider. Still, I think the clown above is even more terrifying looking. If I were her, I’d just say no way in hell.

27. “I’m axin’ you to be my valentine.”

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I don’t think “axin'” is the right word here. Still, I think I’d be scared of this kid getting a hold of an ax. Seriously, I’d be afraid of him chopping me into little pieces as I sleep.

28. There’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a guy holding you at gunpoint.

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Yes, he may be a detective like you see in the old movies. But I really wouldn’t go for him since he appears to have a gun pointed right at you. Doesn’t really help if you’re looking for love.

29. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile than a passionate embrace.

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For some reason, this picture reminds me less of passionate romance and more of the time when Adrien Brody won for Best Actor at the Oscars. But I think Halle Berry took it surprisingly better than the guy in question in this card.

30. “It’ll be monstrous, valentine, if you won’t be mine.”

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Okay, I think this might mean that Frankie’s not the kind of guy who takes rejection well. And that’s not good. Really not good.

31. “My Valentine, I’m pan-handling for your love.”

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Now this pan headed woman is bound to cause anyone nightmares. Seriously, those eyes and that smile seem incredibly freaky that it’s scary.

32. This Valentine’s Day, tell your sweetheart how you really want it.

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Yes, she seems to be a rather demure kind of girl. But had she lived around these days, I’d bet any money that she’d be a huge fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

33. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nobody wants to be in the dog house.

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Now it’s one thing to be sent to the dog house. But it’s insane that there’s a valentine depicting a kid being tied up in a dog house like a dog. Seriously, that’s crazy.

34. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine.”

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Uh, how old is this girl supposed to be? Because I don’t think her appearing naked like this is appropriate for a valentine. I could be wrong.

35. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day ride? A steamroller.

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“Well, I’m a steamroller, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./Yes, I’m a steamroller now, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” Still, I’d clear the ground before he rolls along.

36. “I’ll be ‘burned’ up, if you won’t be my valentine.”

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Does anyone think that tying yourself on a stake and setting yourself on fire a incredibly crazy? So why is there such image on a valentine. Seriously, why? That’s insane.

37. There’s nothing so romantic on Valentine’s Day than being robbed at gunpoint.

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Sorry, man, but I don’t think committing daylight armed robberies is a great way to pick up chicks. Don’t mean to put you down. Just telling you like it is.

38. When it comes to sending a valentine, Disney is always a good choice.

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Just make sure that they aren’t old Disney valentines. Because the old Mickey and Minnie here are utterly horrifying. And no, I don’t want Mickey to come down to earth.

39. “Please take stock in what I say – I want you for my valentine.”

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Okay, this isn’t as bad as the girl being burned at the stake. But still, it’s pretty messed up. Why the hell they thought it was a good idea, I’ll never know.

40. “Tain’t so screwy, my love is permanent, be my valentine.”

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To be fair, women had their hair done like this back in the day. However, nowadays, it seems to resemble some terrifying sci-fi torture device.

41. “I’d like to hog you for my valentine so….don’t squeal on me!”

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Hate to squeal about this one, but this pig is terrifying. Seriously, it seems like it wants to extract some kind of evil ploy on the farmers who killed its family.

42. “Scrubbed so clean you’ll be my queen, valentine.”

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For the love of God, whoever designed a creepy card like this would sure as hell be on some list of sex offenders as we speak. Seriously, this card is so inappropriate on so many levels it’s not even funny. Why the hell did they think it was a good idea? Why?

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day more romantic than your cannibalistic girlfriend cooking you alive.

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I think for most people this would be rather nightmarish. But this guy doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets to look at her boobs.

44. “You’re good enough to eat, valentine.”

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Of course, this isn’t the kind of compliment you’d want to receive from a big hungry cat. Because for all you know, they might seriously think of devouring you.

45. “I’ll purr-sue you always, my valentine.”

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Okay, this is the kind of girl you’d want to avoid. Might want to call for a restraining order if she’s ever into you. Still, I really feel bad for that cat. Poor thing.

46. When it comes to valentines, people also like receiving presents with them.

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I’m sure it would be nothing that this creepy boy has in his packages. Because for all we know, they could be beating hearts of all the girls whom he murdered after they rejected his advances.

47. “Ain’t love a swell condition? I caught it from you.”

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Yeah, but having a bandage around your head sure isn’t. Besides, it kind of makes this kid look a bit freaky if you ask me.

48. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without including its cherubic mascot Cupid.

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And it seems like he’s preparing for some sort of home invasion as I see it. He even has a stash of arrows, a sack of hearts, and a gun. Why he’s like this, I have no idea.

49. “You’ll missile – lot if you won’t be my valentine.”

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Nevertheless, kid, hold that missile long enough and I’m sure you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come. Seriously, that doesn’t look safe by any stretch of the imagination.

50. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nothing can be more spectacular than seeing hearts in the sky.

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Though with hearts flying into a spider web, I beg to differ. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if this valentine was brought to you by somebody’s drug-induced hallucination trip.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes (Second Edition)

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For my 26th birthday, I had thought about doing a blog post on bad vintage birthday cards. However, turns out that while finding terrible vintage holiday cards isn’t much of a challenge, this wasn’t the same with birthday cards. So realizing that such search would take forever, I decided to go with another cake post. After all, with the existence of Cake Wrecks, out there I have a lot to go with Besides, I had plenty left over from last year’s birthday cake post, which got a rather great reception. Now when you order a birthday cake, you always expect everything about it to be right. But sometimes this isn’t the case. In my last birthday cake post, I had a lot of cakes that range from age inappropriate, outright creepy, unintentionally dirty, decorated by people with no understanding of following directions, and others. So for your reading pleasure, here are a treasure trove of more disastrous birthday cakes. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Seems like this person’s loved ones aren’t giving warm wishes.
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Let’s hope the recipient isn’t turning 5. Because that would be bad. Still, like the rainbow color on this, though.

2. When you have someone in your life turning 50, it’s great to give them some support.

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However, this is not what I had in mind. So I suggest that you give Lori some padding, too? Seriously, why?

3. If your boy is into the Avengers, a cupcake cake of Thor’s hammer is sure to be right for the occasion.

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Then again, maybe this family should’ve went with Iron Man. I think a cake of Thor’s hammer may not turn out like the parents intended.

4. A monkey cake is always great for a small child’s party. Can’t have anything go wrong with that.

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Yes, I know monkeys can eat bananas. Yes, I know that they do gross things. However, this monkey cake shouldn’t have it holding a banana at its crotch.

5. Speaking of little kids, this Barney cake should be perfect for any preschooler’s birthday party.

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Yes, this is a very inappropriate Barney cake which will make a little girl disappointed. However, I think this is great since it makes an annoying purple dinosaur into a pink Godzilla on a rampage. It’s wonderful.

6. Of course, we all know that someone’s 16th birthday is a milestone.

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Yes, I know that being 16 makes it legal to drive. However, 16 is also the age of sexual consent in some states as well. So “legal” here can be rather non-specific, which is kind of creepy.

7. Make sure the balloons look appropriate when you buy a birthday cake for Dad.

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Had no idea that balloon placement could make things seem more inappropriate than they should be. Still, wonder if the family has the balls to use this one.

8. When you can’t draw something, use a decal.

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I’m sure this girl wouldn’t appreciate a Denver Broncos logo on her cake. This assuming that she lives outside Colorado.

9. For a kid at any age, a dog birthday cake is sure to lift people’s spirits.

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Apparently, this dog cake seems like a clinically depressed aardvark for some reason. Not sure why. Is there such a thing as canine Prozac?

10. Sometimes there are so many ways to misspell a name.

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I believe the boy’s name is supposed to be “Patrick” not “Parik-Shit.” Let’s hope this kid is too young to read so he won’t ask what “shit” means.

11. For young girls, you can’t go wrong with a Disney princess cake.

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I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a little girl is going to go for a birthday cake depicting Belle with Botox injections. Seriously, this cake is utterly terrifying even though it shouldn’t be.

12. Yes, turning 50 can be a major stepping stone in someone’s life.

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Great, this cake has a diseased foot on it which really disgusting. Makes me want to lose my appetite or puke. Not sure which.

13. For the rock guitarist in your life, a cake with an electric guitar is where it’s at.

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This guitar seems rather phallic for some reason. Not sure if it’s supposed to be. Still, let’s hope this one isn’t used for a kid’s birthday party. And leave it at that.

14. Apparently, somebody really has it in for Beth.

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I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Beth.” I don’t think the name includes a “c.” Still, let’s she doesn’t take it too personally.

15. Happy Birthday, Mary. Oh, wait, it’s Sean’s birthday. Not Mary’s.

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Seems like somebody got their birthdays mixed up. Luckily, the decorators managed to correct it with some bright green icing. Hope it makes Sean happy.

16. A birthday cake of a smiley face flower will brighten anyone’s day.

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But if it’s a one-eyed smiley face flower, it’s bound to give some little kids nightmares. Seriously, that’s incredibly freaky and disturbing.

17. Hopefully, nothing will go wrong with this monkey cake.

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Uh, maybe getting a monkey cake for your kid’s first birthday probably isn’t a good idea. Seriously, that monkey looks rather terrifying if you ask me.

18. With this birthday cake, it’s Superman to the rescue.

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Yes, I know that Superman is supposed to be all heroic as well as fly in to save people. However, I’m not sure if having a burning building on a birthday cake should emphasize that. Don’t ask me why someone thought this was a good idea.

19. Happy birthday, Don, and say goodbye to Dora the Explorer and all her friends.

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I guess the hunter already shot Dora and her buddies are dragging her away. Yeah, you get such hunting accidents like these. But maybe this bunch shouldn’t have been in the woods at this time, too.

20. Excuse me, but can anyone tell me  who Adam with Blue Flowers is?

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Well, at least they got the blue flowers on the cake. Still, did they have to spell it out on the icing? Seriously, it’s kind of distracting.

21. Whoever this cake is for, let’s hope she doesn’t take it personally.

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Is it supposed to be “Cali Girl?” Still, I wonder who’s receiving it understands what a “call girl” is. If she does, she’ll probably be pissed.

22. Happy Birthday, Cody, and take good care of your brains.

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A brain on a cake? Now that’s gross. Makes you wonder if this guy is a fan of The Walking Dead. Then again, it’s implied that he’s seven.

23. Nothing makes a happy birthday than a cake with an ashtray full of cigarettes.

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I don’t know about you, but I tend to see the sight of an ashtray as depressing as it is disgusting. As a cake, I see it no differently.

24. Seems like Jason is a real jerk and no one seems to make that a secret.

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Yes, just rub it in, I tell you. Wonder why Jason didn’t do anything for the other person’s birthday. Then again, he’s probably an ungrateful asshole to get a cake like this.

25. Guess this cake is for an old guy who’s not well-endowed.

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Well, at least this cakes honest. But did they have to put it on a cake? Wonder if this birthday boy drives a Hummer or tries to compensate. Still, at least this one has some candy on it.

26. Relax, guys, it just so happens that his name is Dick and that he likes tools.

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However, I can see why a cake like this might make some guys squirm. Yeah, the mention of “Dick” surrounded by tools could do that for them.

27. For young girls who like fairy tales, this frog prince cake will do nicely for their birthday.

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Of course, writing on a cake isn’t the best way to ask for a spell check. Seriously, it’s going to a family later for some girl’s birthday. “Plese Prooffreed This Kake” should not be on there.

28. When it comes to birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with a mustache, assuming it’s for a guy.

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This mustache cake would be perfectly appropriate for a man’s birthday. However, this is for a 30-year-old woman named Annie. Let’s just say women don’t like being seen having mustaches.

29. Nothing makes a great birthday cake than one of gummy worm  infested skeletons in the ground.

 

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Because if you want to celebrate a 9-year-old’s birthday, then you have to find some way to remind them about their inevitable mortality. And how their bodies will eventually decay and be infested with bugs. Very disgusting to think about it.

30. Nothing says “happy birthday” than a cake reminding that you’re engaging in destructive health habits.

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I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the term “alcoholic in training” is a compliment. That decal of a woman in athletic gear just seems to make it more absurd.

31. Seems like Tinkerbell messed with the wrong side of the Force.

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No, Tink, you don’t want to mess with Darth Vader. He’s not a nice guy and doesn’t tolerate mischief whatsoever. Also, that lightsaber will kill you if he swings it at you.

32. Sorry to annoy parents, but I had to post this Barney cake.

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Hey, I didn’t say it was a cake of Barney doing anything nice. Rather this is him flipping the bird like he would in traffic. As the song says, “I fuck you, you fuck me, you’d be shocked of my attorney’s fee…”

33. For a little girl’s birthday, you can’t go wrong with a pony cake.

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I don’t know about you but this pony looks as if it’s been impaled on the side and is now sinking in some swamp. Not a very happy sight. Poor thing.

34. This family tried to get a cake like an newspaper for their 80-year-old grandpa. Hope that went well.

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I don’t think this is what they had in mind. But I’m sure they would have to do. Still, doesn’t seem like a great newspaper to me. The words are written along the columns.

35. For strong girls who love Disney, I suppose a Brave birthday cake would be appropriate.

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And it seems that this cake depicts Princess Merida on clean up duty. Or are those turds supposed to be foliage. Still, someone better explain themselves because it seems that Merida has just stepped in some large pile of cow manure.

36. I suppose any boy would surely love having a Buzz Lightyear cake for their birthday.

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Okay, that’s bound to give 3-year-olds nightmares. Buzz Lightyear wasn’t meant to haunt people’s dreams. But I think this decorator sees him differently for some reason.

37. Those who were preteens and teens in the last decade might remember Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

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Seems to have looked a lot creepier than I remember. And they thought she’d went on the deep end when she did her performance at the VMAs or in that “Wrecking Ball” video.

38. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one with lots of green icing on it.

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This cake looks so messed up that I can barely read the words on it. Seriously, it looks as is someone puked green on it.

39. Nothing says “happy birthday” than a cake engulfed in flames.

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Not sure if I think a cake in flames is appropriate for someone’s birthday. Still, even for flames, these are pretty lame.

40. Seems like who ordered this cake may not have high opinions of Dave and Steve.

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Guess Dave on this cake might be a little light in the loafers. And for all I know, Uncle Steve might be on some sex offender list somewhere. Let’s hope they’re not in a relationship.

41. For a birthday cake, you can’t do better than with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

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To be fair, this is for someone who is 25. Still, A bottle of Jack Daniels as a cake like that seems kind of depressing if you really think about it. Seems like Sam might need help.

42. Happy Birthday, Dick. I’m sorry, I mean Matt. We’re just screwing with you.

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Too bad, already written down. Should’ve ordered a cake with someone who knows how to follow directions. Now that seems cruel.

43. When you turn 40, sometimes you feel that your life is going down the toilet.

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Well, on the bright side, this doesn’t seem like a hard cake to make. Still, why they have to include the turds? That’s gross.

44. When you’re getting old, you might feel like you’re having a crisis.

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Hope this person isn’t going through a midlife crisis. Or a health crisis. Still, not sure if you want that on a birthday cake.

45. Of course, a lot of girls would adore a Barbie birthday cake.

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Well, Ryan can be a girl’s name. However, how many girls named Ryan do you know? Exactly. Still, I know a few guys named Ryan I went to school with though.

46. Nothing makes a little girl’s dream like a birthday cake of Princess Chewbacca.

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Yes, this is Chewie in a dress. And yes, it’s like having the Beauty and the Beast in the same persona. Hey, laugh it up, fuzzball.

47. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for an 8-year-old than one of the Black Death.

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To be fair, this was made on purpose in light of a popular TV show in Britain. Still, Americans might not understand and think it’s gross. I hope one of professors doesn’t use a cake like that for his son’s birthday.

48. If you were around during the 2000s, you might remember the Jonas Brothers. Here’s a cake of them.

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49. When you want to have your birthday cake in a different language, maybe you shouldn’t order it retail.

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Whoever got this one should’ve ordered a blank cake and put the Chinese characters on it themselves. C’mon, what are the chances that a cake decorator in retail knows any Chinese?

50. Sometimes when you have two kids with birthdays and can only afford one cake, they might as well have to share.

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Hope this cake doesn’t give any indication of how the Philadelphia Eagles were doing that season. I mean Eeyore isn’t the most sunny character from Winnie the Pooh. Still, must suck for siblings to share a cake. They should’ve went generic.

51. You can’t have a great birthday without a cake of a Chipoltle burrito.

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Of course, right now you probably wouldn’t want a Chipoltle burrito cake for your birthday. Now that you think about it, with the E. Coli and Novovirus outbreaks, you don’t want to go anywhere near one.

52. Of course, clowns tend to be a popular birthday cake motif, especially for kids.

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I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “clown massacre” is a great theme for a birthday cake. In fact, I don’t think it’s a great theme for any cake. This is horrifying.

53. A lot of 21st birthday cakes have drinking, this is the cake that expresses how some feel the day after.

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Actually, waking up with a hangover isn’t any fun. So why have a cake depicting one, I have no idea. Still, least it’s better than having a cake of the movie.

54. When it comes to birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Harry Potter.

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Seems like this Harry Potter cake has an acne outbreak and is totally emo teen mode. Also, where the hell is his lightning bolt scar on his forehead? Must be under the bangs.

55. When it comes to Barbie doll cakes, they’re always decked in pretty dress. Not sure about this one.

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Oh, my God, this Barbie has a beard. Guess this was originally for a girl and was made to look as manly as possible. Now it seems like some transvestite in a white frilly dress. Probably a lumberjack.

56. For the little boy who loves trains, a Thomas the Tank Engine birthday cake is just the ticket.

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I don’t know about you. But it looks as if Thomas might be going off the rails. Is there any form of anger management at Shining Time Station? Because his rail rage might cause some accidents.

57. Happy 8th Birthday, Billy. Oh, wait, congratulations, Joe.

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Seems like the decorator assumed that no one will notice. Please don’t mind the stuff they crossed out.

58. Of course, do you remember the time when Justin Bieber was popular? Still, there’s a birthday cake for him.

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Never cared for Justin Bieber. Think he’s a scrawny twit if you ask me. Seriously, kill it. Kill it with fire.

59. Happy Birthday, Theresa. Here’s a cake you can surely sniff up to.

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A coke hat cake? Seriously, that’s crazy. Oh, and it includes ecstasy. Okay, why does this cake even exist is my question. I mean why?

60. For her birthday, let no grass grow under her feet.

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When they say, “Let no grass grow under her feet,” it’s usually not a compliment. Also, this cake is filled with some grammatical errors as well.

61. Now this Thomas the Tank Engine carnival birthday cake is great for any kid’s party.

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Uh, did anyone get the memo that Peter has a nut allergy? I don’t think that’s something you put on cake. Not sure if this resulted in Peter breaking in hives.

62. For someone’s birthday, a bumblebee cake is always nice.

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However, a cake with a bumblebee being pursued by a flamethrower, not so much. Seriously, why does this even exist? Why?

63. Happy Birthday to Heather and Susan, but more emphasis on Susan.

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Yeah, I think this cake decorator has no idea how to follow directions. Also, I think this birthday cake is bound to make Heather feel disappointed.

64. Happy birthday and sorry about the soap.

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Yeah, I think the soap is a bad idea. Still, let’s not hope it’s in the cake. That would be bad. Really bad.

65. Happy birthday, Dave, and remember to get a colonoscopy.

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Then again, that’s a cigar burning on his butt. Which begs the question, why the hell does this cake even exist? Seriously, why?

66. Those who love Ghostbusters will adore this birthday cake.

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Well, at least they’re honest. Still, that message, “you’re not special” gotta hurt. You really don’t want that on your birthday cake.

67. Celebrate your birthday with a cake of Lil’ Wayne.

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Okay, I know the guy’s a rapper. But this one makes him seem like he’s a straight up horror movie villain. And the licorice dreads don’t help at all.

68. Nothing makes a better first birthday cake than one from Family Guy?

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I know this was probably the parents’ idea. But still, Family Guy is a show for adults with adult jokes. A monkey cake would make more sense.

69. When it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with a castle.

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I don’t know about you but those towers don’t look right. To me they kind of resemble a trio of flowery dildos. Definitely not what you’d want on a cake for a little girl’s birthday.

70. Those who grew up with The Magic School Bus will enjoy this birthday cake of Ms. Frizzle.

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Wait a minute, that’s supposed to be of musical artist Tori Amos. My bad. And a very bad rendition of her, too. Seriously, that doesn’t look right.

71. Of course, I couldn’t do a birthday cake post without including one of My Little Pony.

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Well, this cake just says “My Little Pony,” so the birthday girl in this situation will have to use her imagination. Which is kind of a shame because the decorator didn’t know how to follow directions.

72. This 14-year-old girl’s birthday cake will bring you to tears.

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Or rather, tears of, wait, is that supposed to be blood? Sure looks like it. So why did anyone think this was a good idea for a birthday cake? Why?

73. Since Frozen is all the rage, I just had to include a birthday cake of Queen Elsa.

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Now that hardly resembles Elsa at all. More like a cartoony Queen Marie Antoinette dressed like Elsa for Halloween. They should’ve used a decal instead.

74. Happy 35th Birthday and sorry, I can’t draw a unicorn.

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Well, I have to admire the decorator’s honesty. Then again, they might just have been repeating what the customer ordered. Either way, doesn’t look great on a cake.

75. Girls who love Disney princesses will surely adore this Cinderella birthday cake.

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I’m afraid Cinderella hasn’t aged very well. That, or she’s been having a lot of plastic surgery over the years that has gone horribly wrong. I’m not sure which.

76. Happy birthday, and by the way, you’re fat.

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Yeah, I think having “Happy Birthday Chubby” on a cake is bound to cause someone to have either a lower self-image or lose their temper. Please, don’t try to risk either.

77. All what this cake should say is, “Happy Birthday.”

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Seems like someone took some customer’s directions a bit more literal than they should. Seriously, all they had to write was “Happy Birthday.” How hard could it be?

78. For small children, you can’t go wrong with an Elmo birthday cake.

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To be fair, the birthday girl in this situation was sharing a birthday with her dad. However, it does seem like Elmo’s being naughty at a strip club. Seriously, couldn’t they just put a pickup truck for God’s sake?

79. All right, who the hell is L Hyphen A (With Sprinkles)?

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Seems like this cake decorator put down exactly just what the customer ordered. Just not how they wanted it. That’s how you get cakes like these.

80. A guy who likes action movies would always like a birthday cake with Chuck Norris.

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This cake is so wrong on so many levels. For one, that doesn’t look like Chuck Norris. Second, the grammar is horrible. Oh, that’s supposed to be “doesn’t cry”. Well, the spacing’s too close. Third, an assault weapon, really?

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

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Since the NFL playoffs are major events on television this time of year, it’s no surprise that sponsors tend to air a flow of commercials during these games, many of which you probably have never seen before. Now many of these tend to pertain to food, cars, alcoholic beverages, and boner pills. But some don’t. Nevertheless, it’s not unusual that you might see plenty of products endorsed by celebrities sort of like, “Buy this product because I use it and I think it’s great. And I’m famous enough that you’ll trust my judgement.” You might not know this but the practice of product promotion through celebrity endorsement has been around for a very long time. How long?, you may ask. Well, let’s just that Roman gladiators endorsed products like today’s professional athletes. But why would anyone listen to a celebrity on something like food or hair care products? I don’t know. But I do know that people listen to celebrities, perhaps more than they should. I mean if it wasn’t for Jenny McCarthy saying that vaccines cause autism (which isn’t true at all by the way as several studies have shown), some people wouldn’t be as skeptical of vaccines as they are (which isn’t a good thing, honestly). Nevertheless, I can show you some of the great vintage celebrity endorsement ads out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show some of the more questionable ones, some of which don’t have the same impact as they did upon release. Others make you shake your head for an explanation. So without further adieu, I present to you some crazy celebrity endorsements from yesteryear. There’s a chance you might not know a lot of these people.

  1. After a show, the legendary jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong likes to relax to Camel cigarettes.
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Uh, Louis, as a jazz trumpet player, you work a lot with your lungs which is apparent in photos. So I don’t think relaxing to Camels may not be the best way to relax. Seriously, it’s not.

2. Rock Hudson sure likes to wrap around girls wearing Emba Mink.

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Anyone who’s familiar with Rock Hudson’s sexual orientation would automatically see why this ad is hilarious. Seriously, I’m sure he’s totally faking it with that woman. I mean anyone who has any idea about who he was knows that he was more into the boys.

3. If Stevie Wonder could play video games, he’d play Atari.

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Of course, Stevie Wonder doesn’t play video games because he’s as blind as a bat since birth. Seriously, how in the hell could anyone trust a blind guy’s judgement on video game consoles? Yes, he’s a Grammy award winning legend, but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to video games. And I especially mean that if it pertains to an ad endorsed by a guy who can’t see a thing.

4. If Geoffrey Holder had hair, he’d use Vidal Sassoon for men.

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I’m not sure who this guy is other than him being a bald black actor. However, when it comes to choosing a shampoo, who do you think I’d trust more a bald guy or Sasquatch? Answer is always going to be Sasquatch every time. Still, at least Troy Polamalu’s endorsements for Head and Shoulders actually make sense.

5. New York Yankees legend Babe Ruth likes to smoke Old Gold  cigarettes after a big game.

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Great job, Babe, that’s another way to be a bad influence among your young fans. Now I understand nobody thought anything about it at the time. But still, those Old Gold cigarettes can’t help your game.

6. When it comes to giving boxes of chocolates, Humphrey Bogart chooses Whitman’s.

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Reading Bogart’s face in this ad, I don’t think he communicates an expression of thoughtfulness. Rather I think he’s trying to put on a straight face while wondering how the hell he got into this endorsement deal in the first place.

7. Sandra Dee always tans faster with Coppertone suntan lotion.

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When it comes to suntan lotion, you don’t want something that gives you a faster and deeper tan. Because that’s followed by a faster and deeper burn. Also, is it just me, or does Sandra Dee look a bit like a Oompah Loompah?

8. Dolores Del Rio smokes Lucky Strikes and has her throat insured for $50,000.

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Uh, I don’t know about you, Dolores, but I think quitting Lucky Strikes altogether is a better investment on your throat than a $50,000 insurance policy. After all, years of smoking killed Humphrey Bogart and George Harrison in their late 50s from throat cancer.

9. Fred MacMurray always enjoys the taste of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

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Is it just me or does Fred MacMurray seem to have a psychokiller glint on his face? He just looks so terrifying as if he’s trying to hide his strong bloodlust behind his pearly white smile. Still, this guy wasn’t known for playing psychokillers. Having a romantic interest in psychokillers, yes. But that was just Double Indemnity.

10. When it comes to cigarette brands, legendary baseball player Jackie Robinson smokes Chesterfield.

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Yeah, Jackie, way to go with encouraging kids to smoke. Just remember you’ll be an anti-drug crusader toward the end of your life and die of a heart attack at 53.

11. Dorothy Lamour always knows that Royal Crown Cola tastes better than all the others.

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I don’t drink pop so I couldn’t care less about Dorothy Lamour’s soft drink preference. However, I am interested about where Dorothy Lamour gets her hair done. Is it somewhere in Whoville?

12. Liberate your eyes with Alice Cooper’s Whiplash unisex mascara.

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Well, I think Alice Cooper having a unisex mascara line is actually appropriate. However, not sure what I think about him wearing shiny wrapping paper with electrical tape. That’s just weird.

13. Right Guard Sport Stick helps Hulk Hogan express his sensitive side.

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Hulk Hogan achieved fame as a studio wrestler. I’m sure an ad showing him putting up a sweat in the ring would be more appropriate. So why they have him painting is beyond me.

14. Royal Crown Cola would like to congratulate on her Oscar win for Mildred Pierce.

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I’m sure Joan Crawford will be a reliable spokeswoman for Royal Crown Cola’s product. That is, until a decade later when she marries the CEO of Pepsi. Also, didn’t have a great relationship with a couple of her kids.

15. Rock Hudson can always tell a Halo girl by the shine of her hair.

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However, while Rock might admire a woman’s shiny Halo hair, he tends to go for the Halo guys. Seriously, Rock, we all know you did this ad while you were in the Hollywood celluloid closet.

16. Florida Orange Juice: the premiere citrus for 1970s homophobes.

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This terrifying woman pouring orange juice is Anita Bryant, former Miss Oklahoma, pop singer, and the spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission. However, she’s better known as an outspoken opponent of gay rights and her 1977, “Save Our Children” campaign. Today the gay community continues to regard her name synonymous with bigotry and homophobia.

17. Ed Sullivan takes his pictures with his Kodak Brownie 20.

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I don’t know about you. But looking at this ad, I find the idea of having my picture taken by Ed Sullivan as a very disturbing ordeal. Seriously, he looks as if he’s up to no good.

18. For Donald Trump, Trump steaks are the world’s greatest steaks.

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Of course, Donald Trump would think anything’s the best in the world if it has his name on it. Even his awful orange hamster hair. Still, for the love of God, please don’t vote for this guy for president. This man is a repulsive human being who feeds off the worst of humanity. Seriously, I really hate this guy.

19. On his boat with Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart prefers to smoke cigarillos.

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Yes, Humphrey Bogart smoked a lot in his life and movies, onscreen and off. Little did he know that all his years of smoking would lead to his death from throat cancer at 57. And it wasn’t a pleasant way to go either.

20. Ronald Reagan always prefers to smoke Chesterfields.

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Guess he’s sure to regret doing that ad when he’s the US President during the 1980s. I mean didn’t his wife start a drug awareness campaign called, “Just Say No”? And here he is telling people to say, “yes” to smoking.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoys a V drink from Japan.

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Man, Arnie seems to have had a horrendous taste in fashion during the 1980s. Wherever he got that outfit, I really don’t want to know.

22. Merle Oberon uses Tru-Color Lipstick for her lips.

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You might not know that Merle Oberon was said to suffer damage to her complexion in the 1940s from a combination of cosmetic poisoning and an allergic reaction to sulfa drugs. It’s alleged that she went through some partially successful dermabrasion procedures. Let’s just say if she endorsed any cosmetics, I’d advise you to stay away from them.

23. These Major League Baseball players always want the very best. So they smoke Cheserfields.

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Wonder how many of these guys died of smoker related illnesses like lung cancer and heart disease. Also, I really don’t think cigarettes could help their game.

24. It’s said that Vincent Price’s Chinese Chicken is inscrutably delicious.

 

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Not sure if Vincent Price was a good cook. However, since he’s best known for playing horror movie villains, ask yourself, would you ever eat anything made by Vincent Price? Think about it.

25. For a square deal to your lungs, smoke Teddy cigarettes.

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This one came from Norway so it’s unlikely Teddy Roosevelt ever smoked these (but he did smoke in real life like most men at the time). But the Norwegians seem to have an affinity for the man as you see here. Then again, he was an incredible badass.

26. Tyrone Power opts for milder Chesterfields.

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Tyrone Power might’ve smoked Chesterfields but he also died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 44. Genetics might’ve been involved (his dad died at 62 and in his arms). But his smoking might’ve had something to do with it.

27. Spock doesn’t always drink beer. But when he does, he drinks Heineken.

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Uh, Heineken, Vulcan ears don’t work that way. Also, I don’t think Vulcans drink alcohol. Then again, booze might come in handy whenever he’s going through Pon Farr.

28. Bill Cosby always enjoys Jello pudding pops.

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For all we know, those pops could be filled with booze and roofies and aimed toward women he wants to knock out and rape. Just say no, when he offers you one. Seriously, just say no.

29. Howdy Doody’s favorite treat is marshmallow “crispy squares.”

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For one, those are “Rice Krispie Treats,” to call them anything else is plain heresy for me. Second, Howdy Doody was a popular character from a children’s show, not some cowboy doll known to kill people in their sleep. Though I can see why people might make that mistake.

3o. Bill Cosby calculates with a TI-59 Programmable.

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I wonder if Texas Instruments regrets this endorsement during the 1980s. You can say that about any company that’s used Bill Cosby as a spokesman.

31. Merle Oberon uses Pan Cake make up to look younger and lovelier.

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Once again, Merle Oberon isn’t the best authority on make up products. Remember how I said she had cosmetic poisoning that ruined her skin complexion.

32. Sonny and Cher read the book that everyone’s talking about: The Bible.

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Don’t really see Cher as religious. But I heard that while Sonny publicly identified as Roman Catholic, he had an interest in Scientology and took Scientology courses. He was also said to be kind of a jerk to Cher if you ask me.

33. Vincent Price always prefers Creamettes whenever he makes pasta.

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Whenever Vincent Price makes pasta, you wonder whether anyone drops dead from poison. Or ends up in his special room of horrors. Seriously, I wouldn’t eat anything made by Vincent Price no matter how good of a cook he is.

34. When it comes to killing roaches, Muhammad Ali goes with d-Con Roach Traps since they kill without poison.

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Apparently, the notion that Muhammad Ali will beat ’em up and not kill them doesn’t apply to roaches. To him, roaches are as good as dead.

35. Doris Day endorses the International Deluxe Series 56 Roller Compactor.

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Doris Day was an actress and here she is on a steamroller. Which begs the question: how in the hell she’d know about steamrollers? The only people I’ve seen using them are PennDOT workers for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

36. Phillies Cigars present the Mickey Mantle Baseball Special.

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Is it just me or does Mickey Mantle seem like he’s hiding something sinister in that glove? It’s almost like he wants kids to get these cigars for the cards and that they perish by smoking themselves to death.

37. For rich flavor, Dick Nolan smokes Camels.

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I’m sure smoking Camels is going to help Nolan with his play on the field. All it will do is harden his arteries and clog his lungs with tar. Also doesn’t help that he plays for the Detroit Lions.

38. For Christmas, Sean Connery always enjoys the gift of Jim Beam bourbon.

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I thought Sean Connery more or less enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred. Then again, he’d probably go, “That’s not what your mother said” and act like his crass self on Celebrity Jeopardy.

39. Eddie Cantor likes to make whoopie and smoke Old Gold.

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Uh, Eddie, I think you need to wash your face. Seriously, you really need to wash your face. Your blackface makeup is really causing riots among your black audiences. It’s virulently racist expression. For the love of God, Eddie, wash your freaking face! Jesus Christ!

40. Even Groucho Marx thinks that Frosted Flakes are g-r-r-reat.

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For some reason, I don’t think Groucho is giving a ringing endorsement. Rather his face reads, “How in the hell did this creep get in here? Get me security.”

41. As Bob Hope said, drilling for oil is about as tough as sipping pop from a sponge.

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Apparently, I’m not sure if the sipping through a sponge metaphor makes any sense to me. Could it be that getting oil out is relatively easy at first but as you get more out, it becomes harder to find? That might make some sense.

42. When it comes to underwear, J. R. Ewing prefers $3.oo hard cash and soft comfort in BVD.

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While J. R. Ewing might prefer soft comfort in his underpants, he tends to pursue hard cash by making it harder for everyone else. He’s just that kind of Texas oilman asshole you love to hate.

43. Like Joan Blondell, Auto-Lite Spark Plugs have rhythm and perfect performance.

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Not sure what Joan Blondell knows about spark plugs. But at least this makes better sense than endorsing a steamroller. I mean she probably drives a car. Still, spark plugs aren’t glamorous products.

44. When he’s in the ring, Jerry Lewis grabs the bull by the tail.

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Uh, Jerry, you really don’t want to do that. For one, it’s considered an act of cowardice for matadors in the ring. Second, it pisses off the bull.

45. Orson Welles always enjoys drinking Paul Mason wine.

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Yes, he enjoys wine that suits his large appetite. High caloric food and booze were his major weaknesses as he tried to slim down with crash diets, drugs, and corsets for his early film roles. But after 1960, he was permanently obese.

46. Boris Karloff is distressed that he can’t find his carload full of arsenic.

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This was when Boris Karloff was playing Jonathan Brewster in the original Broadway production of Arsenic and Old Lace. This is for Northern Pacific Railway. Nevertheless, I think his arsenic would’ve been confiscated by security by this point. At least today.

47. Michael Jordan is really into his Ball Park franks.

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I don’t know about you. But it seems like MJ is a little too suggestive while eating his hotdog. Makes me want to question whether which team he really bats for. Then again, he might really enjoy Ball Park franks.

48. Opera singer Patrice Munsel says that Camel cigarettes agree with your throat.

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I guess this woman didn’t have a long career in opera due to her lungs being filled up with tar. Still, Camel cigarettes don’t agree with your throat. Nor does any tobacco products. And that’s not me talking. That’s science.

49. Who knew that Reggie Jackson drove a Volkswagen Rabbit?

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And I guess Reggie Jackson is the guy on his team that everyone makes fun of for driving an ugly car. Then again, the 1970s weren’t a great time for car design. But still, neither Volkswagen or baseball have a great reputation these days.

50. O. J. Simpson gets his kicks with Dingo boots.

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I don’t know what’s crazier about this ad. The fact that Dingo has O. J. Simpson as its spokesman even though the guy would later kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Or that O. J. has 3 legs.

51. Before Stevie Wonder would get in a car with a drunk driver, he’d drive himself.

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I saw this poster at my school when I was a grade schooler during the 1990s. It made sense at the time mostly because when you’re that age, you tend to have no idea that Stevie Wonder has been blind from birth. Yes, riding with a drunk driver is a big mistake. So is getting in a car driven by a guy who’s blind like Stevie Wonder.

52. Smirnoff helps Woody Allen get out of his shell.

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That seems like freaky photoshop here by the looks of it. Not sure if Smirnoff should’ve gone with a literal interpretation, especially if it makes Woody Allen a bit of a creep. Then again, he kind of is.

53. Even His Holiness Pope Leo XIII enjoys Mariani Wine.

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Mariani wine was a popular 19th century drink that consisted of Bordeaux wine with cocaine. Pope Leo XIII was a big fan of the drink and had the Vatican award a gold medal for the guy who created it. Yes, you can’t make that stuff up.

54. Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds use Western Union to send a telegram to their mothers on Mother’s Day.

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These two are the parents of Carrie Fisher who’d later play Princess Leia. However, they do seem like such a sweet couple. Too bad that Eddie Fisher would later dump the wholesome Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor. Surprisingly, Debbie and Liz seemed to remain good friends like George Harrison and Eric Clapton.

55. Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy would like you to drink some Coca Cola.

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No, these guys didn’t consist of a mad toymaker and his killer gentlemen doll. Bergen was a ventriloquist and Charlie McCarthy was his dummy (though he does look quite creepy). Their show was very popular on the radio at the time. He’s also the father of Candice Bergen.

56. The Dionne quintuplets march on with Karo.

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Yes, they may appear like little rays of sunshine. But beneath their faces lies a maliciousness that breaks out when you least expect. Avoid these killer cherubs if you can.

57. Groucho Marx enjoys Blatz beer.

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Yes, I know Groucho Marx was a funny guy. But looking at this, he seems like he’s offering you a drink that probably contains poison. And he seems to hope that you’re too dumb to notice.

58. Edmund Lowe protects his voice with Lucky Strikes.

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He’s another opera singer, by the way. However, you what would do a better job protecting his voice than Luckies? Quitting them. Seriously, there are plenty of smokers who’ve lost their voices that some of them had to have special boxes put in.

59. Buster Keaton enjoys Smirnoff Vodka.

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Not sure if you’d want to Buster Keaton to endorse your vodka, Smirnoff. Yes, he’s a silent legend, but he suffered from crippling alcoholism during the 1930s which nearly ruined his life. How bad was it? Well, at one point he married his nurse during an alcoholic binge.

60. Bing Crosby advises parents how to handle teenagers.

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So his advice is with Fleers gum. Wasn’t expecting that. Rather, I thought he’d employ some measure of physical or emotional abuse on his kids, according to a few of his sons. Not sure if I’d trust his judgement.

61. The loveliest women in the world take Ayds like Hedy Lamarr.

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Ayds were weight loss candies they had back in the day. Unfortunately, they fell out of popularity in the 1980s with the AIDS outbreak. Guess Hedy might’ve regretted this endorsement by that time.

62. Elvira just loves a man with a hairy chest.

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I guess she’s a bit into men who tend to be walking carpets. Also, Coors Light had a Beer Wolf mascot? Wonder what happened to him.

63. It’s elementary to know why Basil Rathbone enjoys Chesterfield cigarettes.

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I don’t know about you but does Basil Rathbone seem a bit creepy in this like he’s some serial killer in the dark. Must be the lighting if you ask me.

64. Peter Lawford wishes he went to more parties that serve Heublein’s Cocktails.

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Of course, Peter Lawford was known to have several failed marriages and chronic alcoholism. Died of a heart attack at 61 along with complications associated with kidney and liver failure.

65. Dennis Hopper is practically helpless in his bath tub.

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This is a Japanese shampoo ad from the 1980s. Not sure why Hopper’s like this and why the water in his tube is a bright blue.

66. Phil Silvers always enjoys Smirnoff around the holiday season.

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I don’t know about you, but something doesn’t seem right about Phil Silvers in this. Either he’s violently insane or just drunk.

67. Vincent Price wants you to wrap yourself in Emba Mink.

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Yes, I know that Vincent Price is known to play creeps in his movies. And he’s certainly creepy in this one. But he’s more like the dirty old man trying to grope this young blonde than anything you’d see from a horror movie.

68. When they say, “Bloody Mary,” Julie Newmar reaches for Smirnoff.

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Not sure who Julie Newmar is nor do I care. But whipping out a bottle of vodka like a gun, really? That’s just crazy.

69. Dragnet’s Jack Webb says it’s wise to smoke Fatima cigarettes.

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Jack Webb was a radio personality. No, I’m not sure if he’s ever been in horror movies. Nevertheless, he certainly has a face to play a some slasher film psychokiller. Yes, I can totally see him murdering teenagers and he wouldn’t have to wear a mask.

70. Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence always enjoy a Heublein cocktail.

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For some reason Robert Goulet seems more focused on Carol Lawrence more than anything. Not sure if he’s staring at her boobs or her legs. Probably her legs. Yes, Robert Goulet is a perv.

Touchdown with These Super Bowl Sunday Party Treats (Second Edition)

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Just when you thought the holiday gorging season is over. Another one just seems to take its place.  This time it’s NFL playoff season which will soon cap it off with the Super Bowl, which will be the most watched TV event of the year (but I’ll be watching Downton Abbey and Galavant if the Steelers aren’t in it). This year the Steelers barely made it into the playoffs after winning against Cleveland and Buffalo winning against the Jets (thank you, Buffalo). So naturally, on Saturday, they’ll be going against the Cincinnati Bengals. Nevertheless, most of the food that’s eaten during football games isn’t the best thing for you. Let’s face it, if your New Year’s resolutions include losing weight or eating healthier, you might stay away from the standard football fare like burgers, hotdogs, fries, chips, nachos, wings, pizza, fried chicken, and what else have you. And when it comes to the Super Bowl, well, you can bet some football fans will probably have given up sticking to their diets. Now I am not the most avid football fan. Yet, since I live in Pittsburgh Steeler country, I am well aware that pro football is a really big deal that the Super Bowl is America’s biggest unofficial national holiday. So it’s not unusual that many people throw Super Bowl parties on Super Bowl Sunday with their own gridiron grub. So for your reading pleasure this playoff season, here are some more Super Bowl delights for your big game party.

  1. New York Giants fans will surely get a kick out of these cupcakes.
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I’m not sure if the Giants are in the playoffs this year. Then again, they’ve won 2 Super Bowls against the Patriots. So this sort of counts.

2. This football cookies will certainly look good on your Super Bowl dessert platter.

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After all, football cookies seem easy to make and decorate. I’m sure you can find chocolate and white icing at your local grocery store.

3. You’ve heard of cheeseburgers. But have you’ve seen a cheeseburger cupcake?

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Yes, this is a cheeseburger cupcake. Still, unlike some, you can have one with chocolate and vanilla.

4. It’s not a Super Bowl party without some pigskin potato skins.

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I’ve done pigskin potato skins in my last Super Bowl treat post. but these are made in a very different way. Still has the same heart attack potential.

5. Last year’s top Super Bowl dessert was none other than the Deflate Cake.

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Sorry, Patriots fans, but I couldn’t resist. This is just perfect. the deflated football almost looks real. I’m sure this wasn’t made in New England.

6. These Ritz cracker crunch footballs will surely delight the younger fans.

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These look almost professionally made as you might see. Still, at least this picture lists the ingredients so I won’t have to make them out myself.

7. Of course, a Super Bowl treat post wouldn’t be complete without a snackadium to keep some food in one place.

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This one has olives on the play in the guacamole field. Still, seems smaller than others but I’m sure some of the fare might not be good for you.

8. Nothing makes a great dessert on Super Bowl Sunday than these football cupcakes.

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Uses cookie footballs and minty green icing. Still, they’re quite adorable. And they’re chocolate.

9. When it comes to dip, you can’t go wrong with a guac field.

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At least this looks a bit healthier than the previous stuff I’ve put on my post so far. Like how they used peppers for field goals.

10. Super Bowl Sunday wouldn’t be the same without some chocolate peanut football treats.

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These look quite cute. Not sure how you get the peanuts together. But it looks doable. Also uses chocolate icing.

11. Bring the big game spirit onto your dessert platter than some football pretzel sticks.

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Seems like all you have to do with these are dip them in chocolate, wait for them to dry, and put football etchings on them. Can’t be that difficult.

12. If you prefer fun size, these pretzel bites will make your game.

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Like the sticks, it just seems you dip them in chocolate before painting stripes on them. Not shaped like footballs. But as long as they’re tasty, who cares.

13. Your Super Bowl appetizer isn’t complete without a football bread bowl of dip.

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On second thought, couldn’t just be football bread instead? That would’ve been great just as well and there would be no need to scoop out the bread.

14. This football appetizer platter will give you all the cheese and crackers of your heart’s desires.

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Well, the football is made from pepperoni and cheese with everything else surrounding it. Not the most healthy option for you. But it doesn’t look half bad.

15. Fans in Seattle will certainly delight munching on a sugar cookie jersey of their favorite Seahawk.

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Not sure if I know any of these guys besides Marshawn Lynch and the one with the braids (whose name I forget). Still, the fans will love them.

16. Mason jar football brownie treats would make a fine addition to any Super Bowl party.

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Not sure how big these jars are. But these certainly look tasty. Love the brownie footballs at the top.

17. This pigskin cheese dip is all covered in bacon.

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Now this is bound to give someone coronaries. Because bacon isn’t known to be good for you. Still, like the cheese stripes.

18. This Super Bowl, grace your dessert platter with these football bars.

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Not sure what these are. Cheese cake bars? Seems to look like it. Oh, wait, they’re fruit bars. Well, as long as they resemble footballs, that’s fine with me.

19. These football pretzels are sure to make a tasty Super Bowl snack.

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Actually they’re football pretzel sandwich snacks. They’re used with Rolo chocolate. Not sure if this was made by the company. But it still goes on the post.

20. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party worthwhile than some Buffalo chicken sandwich patties.

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Basically it’s ground up buffalo chicken shaped into footballs. And they’re decorated by string cheese for a more realistic effect.

21. Nothing is sure to excite the people of Green Bay, Wisconsin than a Green Bay Packers gingerbread house.

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Yes, somebody actually did this. Still, I think it would’ve been more appropriate if it was a cheese or lunch meat house. Because it’s the Packers.

22. Steeler fans are sure to adore this cake as a dessert centerpiece.

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Of course, I had to include at least one Steeler treat on this post. Not sure about the football. Looks a bit deflated and more appropriate for a New England Patriots cake.

23. You can’t have a Super Bowl party without including some cookie dough footballs.

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They’re basically footballs with cookie dough inside a shell of chocolate. I’m sure it’s perfectly safe. I mean they put cookie dough in ice cream for God’s sake.

24. On the field, it’s the Hershey’s Kisses vs. the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

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To be fair, both candies are made by the same company, Hershey’s. Still, this cake is amazing. I also love how they made the striped Hershey Kisses refs.

25. For those who fondly remember Deflategate, feast your eyes on this chocolate “Bradie” ball.

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This was made by a guy in Pennsylvania and it wasn’t for sale. Nevertheless, it weighs 13 lbs. Sorry, scratch that. It actually weighs 11.2 lbs since someone named Tom Brady let the air out.

26. Though it’s winter, these Giants ice cream sandwiches make a great frozen treat in New York.

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Yes, these are New York Giants ice cream sandwiches. And since they’re a football team, each one has stripes and team colors in sprinkles.

27. With the Denver Broncos in the playoffs, there’s no better time to show you a Denver Brocnos dessert pizza.

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Most of this is made from popcorn and chocolate as well as sprinkles and other candies. Actually found it on Pinterest in September.

28.  You can’t have a Super Bowl snackadium without some pop cans at the edges.

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Actually I see some bear cans in the mix as well. Nevertheless, I think the most healthy things in here are the popcorn and the dips.

29. Why just have hotdogs on your grill when you can also have them on your dessert platter, too?

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Yes, those are candy hotdogs. And yes, the circus peanut buns and gum drop relish make them look disgusting. Still, it’s unique so they’ll do.

30. People of Chicago would certainly adore this Chicago Bears chocolate cake.

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Well, the Chicago Bears were National Conference champs and played in the Super Bowl in 2006. But the Indianapolis Colts beat them. Also, haven’t won a Super Bowl since the 1980s.

31. You never have a complete Super Bowl dessert platter until you have football gobs.

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Seems like these gobs are rather easy to make as long as they’re shaped like footballs. Then after that is the icing of the stripes.

32. People from Seattle can always go crazy over a double decker Seahawk cake.

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Now that’s a cake you could see from a mile away or in the dark. A green icing that bright could do that to a cake.

33. You can’t have a hit Super Bowl party without some cinnamon roll football cookies.

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Yes, these are made from cinnamon roles. But they’re flatter as you see. Not sure if you can eat them for breakfast.

34. If you love the Pittsburgh Steelers, then you’ll love these Steeler sugar cookies.

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Seems like this one has footballs, Steeler helmets, stadium views, Terrible Towels, logo, and jerseys of Big Ben, Heinz Ward, and Polamalu. Now Ward and Polamalu are out.

35. Nothing makes a better Super Bowl dessert than some football peanut butter Rice Krispie treats.

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Yes, they’re just footballs with peanut butter. No, real footballs don’t look like that. Still, seem tasty.

36. For healthier dessert options, may I suggest you go with some chocolate football apple slices?

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It’s possible that they’re probably covered in chocolate so they resemble footballs. Still, healthier than some of the other options on here, I’ll say.

37. These Oreo cookie footballs will surely make tasty Super Bowl treats during the big game.

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I guess the Oreo cookies are crumpled up in footballs and covered by chocolate icing. May not look like much but I bet they taste great.

38. Seems like one of these little wieners just made a pass.

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These are mini hotdogs with olive helmets and mustard features. And it seems they’re in the heat of a critical moment at this time.

39. This football cake is sure to make a wonderful centerpiece for your Super Bowl party.

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And it’s surrounded by graham crackers to dip in. Either consisting of field goal icings and ones all covered in sprinkles.

40. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party better than a peanut butter football cake.

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And all you have to do once it’s out of the oven are putting in some icing marks. Still, has some cracks but I’d certainly eat it.

41. No Super Bowl party platter is complete without a football pizza.

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Yes, I did a football pizza before last year. And yes, it did have pepperoni and cheese. But this one is round.

42. You’re familiar with hotdogs at football games. But have you ever seen a football hotdog?

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Well, this is more of a cheese and chili football hotdog. Nevertheless, it does have the football spirit and nachos on the side.

43. Seems like this large snackadium offers more healthier options.

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Well, this contains fruit, cheese, and guacamole dip. Also, from what I can tell, this snackadium seems to be made for a Pittsburgh area venue. Well, at least according to the table cloth and the dip.

44. Celebrate the Super Bowl with with some football mozzarella sticks.

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Yes, these are football mozzarella sticks. Yes, I know they don’t look like sticks. But they resemble footballs and shouldn’t that be enough?

45. This cookie tray is bound to have a jersey of your favorite Pittsburgh Steeler.

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Well, Big Ben and Harrison are still around. Holmes got traded. Polamalu, Keisel, and Ward have retired. Not sure about the others.

46. For Seahawks fans, these blue and green Rice Krispie treats can’t be beat.

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Well, they’re in the team colors whether through sprinkles, icing, or food coloring. Still, not sure how they’d taste.

47. You can’t complete a Super Bowl dessert platter without some cookie ice cream sandwiches.

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Yet, out of these footballs, only half of these are covered in chocolate. Nevertheless, they sure look tasty if you ask me.

48. This football contains 3 different dips.

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Seems like they consist of guacamole, salsa, and dressing. How they remain separated in this dish, I have no idea.

49. I give you, the quintessential meat snackadium.

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The stands are made out of hamburgers and the edges and field goals are made out of hotdogs. Nevertheless, it’s certainly bound to induce some heart attacks.

50. These chocolate football brownies are sure to be any chocolate lover’s Super Bowl delight.

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Now these are chocolate football brownies with chocolate icing. Must be so chocolatey rich as I say.

51. For Giants fans, you can’t have a better Super Bowl cake than one of MetLife Stadium.

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I guess this was made by a professional. Still, love how the crowd is represented by sprinkles. So creative.

52. This Super Bowl, take a bite out of these super football sandwiches.

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Seems like these buns are whole wheat and have the markings made from cheese. Still, I’m sure they’d be great for any Super Bowl party.

53. Nothing makes a great Super Bowl snack like some football nuts.

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Seems like these were from the year when it was the San Francisco 49ers against the Baltimore Ravens. Ravens won and it resulted in as many Super Bowl wins for Ray Lewis as murder allegations.

54. This large snackadium is sure a real hoagie breadbasket.

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Seems like this one appears to be made by someone with too much time on their hands or in the restaurant business. Wonder what happened to the food left over.

55. When it comes to parking, this snackadium has a whole lot to follow.

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Seems like this one is all packed with snacks and brownies. Still, I love how this person used chocolate bars for cars and chocolate chips for wheels.

56. For a veggie dish, may I suggest some football taco salad?

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Then again, this may be a dip for all I know. Then again, it’s probably healthier than some of the other dishes on this post. And it’s the most colorful football arrangement I’ve seen so far.

57. This snackadium seems partially constructed from Rice Krispies.

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This seems to be an interesting arrangement. Probably built by someone with too much time on their hands. Likethe donuts on the burgers.

58. This Super Bowl dessert platter will sure be a hit at your party during the big game.

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This seems to have a fruit pizza field and other delights. Nevertheless, seems to be made by a Green Bay Packers fan by the looks of it.

59. No Super Bowl party would be complete without these big game cupcakes.

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These consist of a football and a filled stadium. And the best part about these is that they’re chocolate.

60. New Enlganders would delight with these Patriots cookies.

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These consist of a couple helmets, logos, and footballs. Also has a a Brady jersey. One for each side. What an asshole.

61. In memory of Deflategate, here are some great football cookies in case the Patriots make the Super Bowl.

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They’re said to be made by a coffee company in Boston. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Still, wonder how many orders they got outside New England.

62. Another cookie option would be of Tom Brady’s court portrait.

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For some reason, this guy reminds me more of FBI Agent Nelson Van Alden from Boardwalk Empire. Seriously, he totally looks as if he could drown his partner in a lake in an attempt to baptize him. Made from an Indianapolis bakery.

63. Like peanut butter and chocolate chips? Then you’ll love these football cookies.

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Well, these footballs seem spotty if you ask me. But nevertheless, they sure look tasty regardless.

64. This Superbowl, take a bite out of these Reese’s fudge footballs.

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Seem to resemble the Ritz cracker crunch ones I showed earlier. But they’re probably softer. Still, these look so delicious.

65. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party complete than these little football toast pizzas.

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They seem rather small and made with mustard stripes. Still, whoever made these was quite creative if you ask me.

66. Celebrate this Super Bowl with some jello shots representing your team.

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Now jello shots contain alcohol and shouldn’t be taken by anyone under 21, pregnant, AA members, or designated drivers. Nevertheless, these seem to be for the San Francisco 49ers. Of course, you probably remembered what happened to them when they went against Baltimore.

67. For those rooting for Green Bay, this cake is for you.

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Seems most appropriate since the Packers are associated with cheese, namely cheese heads. Still, not sure if I’m fine with them beating the Steelers at the Super Bowl. Then again, it could be worse.

68. This cake is sure to show some plays on the field.

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This looks quite clever to say the least. Seems so simple to make if you know how to do an icing playbook.

69. To make your Super Bowl party a hit, use some football pizza dip.

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To some it resembles a pizza. To others, it looks like a pie with pepperoni on top. But to me, it’s clever and seems rather appetizing.

70. When it comes to Super Bowl parties, you can’t go wrong with a football stuffed pizza.

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Yes, I might’ve shown a football calzone before. But this one is made from bread and it looks so toasty. Also love the cheese decor on this.

 

The Nobility and Aristocracy of Downton Abbey

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Downtown Abbey: The estate of the Earls of Grantham and their family through generations. But has seen hard times since the Earl only has daughters and his closest two heirs had gone down with the RMS Titanic. Luckily the new heir is a handsome young lawyer who has a shine to his oldest daughter.

Though Americans may adore Downton Abbey, there are plenty of viewers on my side of the Atlantic Ocean may be somewhat confused about the British Title System within its centuries old aristocracy which traces its origins to the Middle Ages and the feudal system. Yes, there are kings and queens as well as princes and princesses. However, there are other kinds of nobles as well and there’s even a hierarchy of peerage. As Americans might see them, these are incredibly rich nobles who live in some castle or big fancy house. Nevertheless, getting titles and styles correct for someone who’s not “to the manner born,” which of course, is the point. In fact, the complexities of the honor system served to weed out posers, fraudsters, and plain old liars. Of course, as you see on Downton Abbey, you tend to see broke aristocrats as well as rich and successful commoners. And some of these incredibly rich commoners can get titles, too. But they’re usually knighted, but they can receive higher honors, especially if they d