Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 20, 2016

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Anyone who has been in elementary school in America probably has had to do some sort of craft project on Valentine’s Day at some point. One year you might be doing Valentine boxes or the like. Nevertheless, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, many elementary kids don’t have much choice than to participate in it. This consists of sending a set of valentines to their classmates as well as a treat. Yes, it’s kind of a pain, especially for boys who aren’t cultured to have any affinity for such a girly holiday. Nevertheless, there are plenty of craft projects associated with the holiday. And since I did craft projects for the other major holidays, then I couldn’t single this one out. Yet, most of the Valentine’s Day craft projects will consist of hearts and the color pink. However, most of the craft projects I show will be made by adults. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy looking at a treasure trove of Valentine’s Day craft projects.

Grace your home with this heart wreath covered in candy hearts.

Since candy hearts tend to taste like flavored sugary chalk dust, I think using them for craft projects is for the best. Besides, this is pretty.

2. No one would be more pleased this Valentine’s Day than one receiving a felt flowery heart.

Seems like this was made by someone who had too much time on their hands. Nevertheless, I really like the flowers on this, especially the purple ones.

3. Show the love this Valentine’s Day with these heart door hangings.

Seems to consist of 5 red hearts hanging at different ends. And they’re decorated in a variety of different ways.

4. Bring the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home with this tulle heart wreath.

Seems to be colored in red, pink, and white. And it even has 3 red hearts in the center, too. Nevertheless, it’s quite pretty.

5. For your Valentine’s Day mantle, you can always go with a rose covered tree.

Of course, the roses are made from paper that you have to cut out (which I would be very bad at). Still, this looks very pretty if you ask me.

6. To make it small, you can always send a clothes pin valentine.

You have to open this one to get a message. Not surprisingly, it’s supposed to be rather brief.

7. If you don’t like your Valentine’s Day tree with roses, you can always go with some hearts.

As this picture says, these are made from ombre. Not sure what that is. Still, it seems like these hearts range from red, white, and 50 shades of pink.

8. When you fold hearts, you can turn them into flower petals.

As you see, these purple, pink, and yellow flowers are made of hearts and form into one. And they all have pearl beads in the center.

9. For the one who lights up your life, this light bulb will do just fine.

However, if the light of your life happens to be an electrical engineer, they probably won’t be impressed by the fact it most likely doesn’t light up. Still, like the hearts.

10. For your little one this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this heart onesie and cap.

I bet this is for a girl as I could tell by the ribbons on the shoulders. Also, because most parents wouldn’t dress their sons in such outfits either. Well, as far as I know.

11. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home than wooden hearts on sticks.

Love how these are in different patterns and sizes. Yet, they all are tied with the same heart ribbon.

12. Grace your lovely home this Valentine’s Day with a bauble wreath.

You’re probably going to see a lot of Valentine’s Day wreaths on this post. This one is probably the most delicate of them all. And one of the prettiest.

13. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with a large heart decorated with candy hearts.

I don’t know about you, but I strongly think they should market candy hearts as craft materials from now on. Because those candies aren’t at all fit for human consumption.

14. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without a set of “Love” blocks.

And I guess the “o” is a heart. Surely those blocks used some stencils to make them. But they nevertheless look lovely.

15. For a more rustic look on your front door, you can always go with a heart of roses.

I’m sure the flora on this is fake, given that it’s winter. Still, seems almost as if it came from a store. But it looks beautiful.

16. Decorate your mantle this Valentine’s Day with some XO blocks.

These consist of red “x’s” and white “o’s.” Nevertheless, not sure why “x’s” and “o’s” came to mean kisses and hugs. Maybe it has to do with Morse code.

17. This heart shirt would be perfect for any little girl on Valentine’s Day.

I’m sure this little girl will outgrow this in a few weeks as kids grow rather quickly. Nevertheless, it’s so cute.

18. This rosy heart tree would make a fine addition to any home.

Yes, this is a fake tree with fake roses on it. But I do think this person did a way better job on this than I ever could in my life.

19. Keep yourself warm this winter with this Valentine’s Day heart quilt.

Not sure if it’s for actual use and I highly doubt. But you have to love the red hearts on this. You really do.

20. You can’t get more cuddly on Valentine’s Day than with these two adorable bears.

Well, at least as far when it comes to bears you can make. The girl one has a bow in her head. Still, these two are so adorable if you ask me.

21. Be all hugs and kisses this Valentine’s Day by gracing your front door with this XO wreath.

As you see, it’s made from some fake white roses and ruffled red cloth. Still, I’m sure it’s bound to stand out in the neighborhood.

22. If you’re not using a planter urn, perhaps you can make some Valentine’s Day decoration from it.

I bet this decoration used a lot of sparkly party stuff. Nevertheless, I like the bow tied on the black urn the best in this.

23. Got a bunch of pink gift ribbons lying around? Make a heart wreath out of it.

Yes, this is a ribbon wreath. And yes, it’s mostly pink. But still, I find it rather ingenious if you think about it.

24. This candy heart bouquet is sure to make a fine Valentine’s Day centerpiece.

Of course, the flowers aren’t roses and may seem a bit springy. Nevertheless, they certainly match the candy hearts in the vase.

25. This white Valentine’s Day tree is decked in red hearts.

Yes, this is a Valentine’s Day tree. No, I don’t know why people do this. But yes, I did post it because it’s unique and has hearts on it.

26. For a great table centerpiece on Valentine’s Day, you can’t do better than a vase with sparkly branches and hanging hearts.

I guess making this made a big mess when it came to dousing the branches with glitter. Still, I think guests will be pleased by the results.

27. For Valentine’s Day decorations, you can’t go wrong with sequin hearts.

Normally, I tend to view sequins as a tacky material you’d see at some disco. But these aren’t that bad if you ask me.

28. These flower pot candy dispensers are a great way to store Valentine’s Day candy.

Of course, to be safe, you might want to buy the flower pots at the craft store first. Still, seems lie a rather clever idea.

29. Grace your couch this Valentine’s Day with a one of a kind heart blanket.

Wonder if it’s made by someone with too much time on their hands. Also, not sure if it goes well with that couch either.

30. Cuddle up this Valentine’s Day with this quilted valentine heart pillow.

Hears come in so many different colors and patterns. But most of them are pink. Still, not sure if anyone would have time to do this though.

31. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

Don’t tell me they made a Valentine’s Day rip off of the Advent Calendar. Sure it only contains 14 days, but that’s a 2 week span.

32. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with Cupid arrows.

All it seems to take are skewers, felt hearts, electrical tape, and feathers. Seems easy for kids. However, they’d probably not make any at school due to weapons policies.

33. This Valentine’s Day, store candy in some felt fortune cookies.

Now this seems like a rather clever idea for kids to do Valentine’s Day treats for their classmates. However, not sure if some of them are old enough to do the sayings.

34. If you can’t make love arrows from skewers, use clothes pins.

Seems like these arrows look rather easy to make. But I don’t think any I’d make would turn out to be as nice as these.

35. Light up your home this Valentine’s Day with some rainbow heart lights.

And these seemed to be rather tangled up by the looks of it. Nevertheless, these hearts are made from paper so the lights can shine through them.

36. If you’re going for a more rustic Valentine’s Day look, you can’t do wrong with a wreath made of pine cones.

This seems rather quaint. However, I bet any money that those pine cones came from a craft store.

37. Got too many candy hearts lying around? Make a tree of them.

Yes, this is another art form with the Valentine’s Day candies that aren’t fit for human consumption. Nevertheless, that pink goes well with the heart pastel colors.

38. If you love candy hearts, then you’ll like these candy heart wall hangings.

Yes, these are wooden candy hearts that are painted and covered in glitter. Sayings include, “love you,” “be mine,” “kiss me,” and “XOXO.”

39. Anyone is sure to love a Valentine’s Day bouquet of hearts.

The hearts may be made from felt and the stems made from wire. But this bouquet is surely lovely to behold.

40. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the woods without some acorn hearts.

They’re acorns with hearts on them. And painting the hearts seems to require a rather small paint brush and precision.

41. For a Valentine’s Day centerpiece, you can’t go wrong with a candy bouquet.

Don’t tell me that they have Valentine’s Day candy corn. Seriously, that stuff was bad enough around Halloween. Do we really need to deal with candy wax around Valentine’s Day?

42. This heart wall hanging is sure to be lovely on any front door.

These are red hearts brought together with some fancy ribbon. The top is a bow with some other ribbons and trimmings.

43. Candy hearts are bound to go well with any form of outdoor decoration.

These hearts are made from foam and are spray painted on. Some with stencils. Still, probably taste better than chalk dusty candy hearts, don’t you think.

44. If you like polka dots, then this Valentine’s Day wreath is for you.

Well, the polka dot cloth goes nice with the red and white motif. Also contains red and white ribbons and flowers.

45. These Valentine’s Day bottles will show how love is in the air within your home.

And these are decorated in different ways and in different. Not sure what to think about the silver one though.

46. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day gift than a heart button mosaic in a heart shaped pan.

Of course, if my mom had a heart shaped pan, she would certainly not let me do a button mosaic on it. Still, wonder how much glue they used.

47. Receive valentines with your very own Valentine’s Day mailbox.

That’s a really nice pink mailbox. Unfortunately, where I live, you can’t have one of at your house due to increment weather and an incident with mass vandalism.

48. For candlelight dinners, these Valentine’s Day candle holders can’t be beat.

Yes, these are festive candle holders. Unfortunately, my mom can forget having a romantic candle light dinner unless the power goes out. My dad tends to get migraines.

49. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day centerpiece than a bouquet of duct tape roses.

These look pretty. Then again, not sure if I can make as lovely roses as these with duct tape. Probably bound to mess up and waste the stuff.

50. Cozy up to a warm fire this Valentine’s Day with this rustic heart pillow.

The pillow is made of canvas while the heart is outlined with ribbon. Nevertheless, I’m sure anyone would enjoy this.

51. These Valentine’s Day pom pom monsters are bound to melt your heart.

These are so adorable and seem rather easy to make. Then again, not sure what these monsters have to do with Valentine’s Day. I really don’t.

52. For baby boys, this love bandit onesie will do just fine.

I suppose girl bandits could wear this, too. However, there are plenty of girl Valentine outfits available. And this one seems less girly than the others.

53. Store your Valentine’s Day treats in these appropriate cookie jars.

Has a chalkboard bubble you can write stuff on with chalk. If you don’t have any, then candy hearts will certainly do.

54. This wreath has a lot of hearts in its branches.

Seems that the hearts on this are made of paper. But it seems to have plenty of love to go around.

55. Grace your door on Valentine’s Day with this heart wall hanging.

Seems like something you’d put on a tombstone in a cemetery, but more festive. Not sure if it’s a craft project or store bought item. But it’s from Pinterest.

56. This wooden heart would make a lovely Valentine’s Day addition to anyone’s home.

I bet this was made from some crate. Has stripes in several different colors like red, white, and pink, as well as black.

57. Cover your Valentine’s Day tree with candy hearts for a lovely impression.

Because candy hearts are better used for craft projects than human consumption. Because nobody wants to eat chalk.

58. For a more down home feel, this “XOXO” wreath will do quite nicely.

Has 2 white cloth wreaths for “o’s” and 2 sets of cross twigs for “x’s”. And it’s strung together with a red ribbon.

59. For ceiling hangings, you can’t go wrong with a mobile with hearts.

Yes, I know the colors are drab on this one. But I think it’s an ingenious design, especially with the lace on top and the paper hearts.

60. Nothing makes a better candy holder than a jar filled with candy hearts.

Let’s hope this candle doesn’t smell like candy hearts or chalk dust. Still, I love the pink bow around this.

61. Nothing makes a better display for your doorstop this Valentine’s Day than this pink, fuzzy wreath.

Yes, it’s a pink tulle wreath. Yes, it has 3 hearts on it. Still, don’t tell me you wouldn’t want this on your door. You’d totally get this.

62. This XOXO wreath is a true Valentine’s Day delight.

While it’s mostly silver, it has a XOXO banner across as well as lovely flowers. Surely a lovely wreath, indeed.

63. This tulle wreath shows all kinds of love for Valentine’s Day.

This is in black and red tulle strips. And it has wooden letters spelling “LOVE.” Quite pretty though.

64. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without an assortment of love tags.

To be fair these are made of wood and aren’t painted well. Nevertheless, these are quite nice if you ask me.

65. Keep yourself clean this Valentine’s Day with these heart soaps.

Seem to resemble candy hearts with sayings on them. Wonder how any of them smell like.

66. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a ribbon tree.

Seems like this was made from all kinds of pink and white Valentine’s Day ribbons. Nevertheless, I love the ribbon and button star on the top.

67. If you have a heart, then you’re bound to love this little Tin Man.

And it’s even made out of tin cans and a funnel. It even has a heart ticker. Still, I’m not a big fan of the Wizard of Oz. Think it’s pretty creepy with the flying monkeys.

68. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day than a bunch of hearts stacked on a pot.

Each one has a red ribbon below it. Also, each heart is made from wood. Yet, all these hearts are linked by a vine.

69. This Valentine’s Day wall hanging is one that you’ll certainly grow to love.

Sayings on this one are, “Love,” “Be Mine,” and “XOXO.” Yet, this is wonderful piece of Valentine’s Day decor.

70. If you have some blank pallets, you can’t do any wrong making some spray painted candy hearts on them.

Of course, stencils were used as you look here. But they sure are lovely, especially on this table.

71. For Valentine’s Day, these love rocks are great for your lovely home.

Well, as doorstops and paper weights anyway. And they’re quite intricately painted as well. Very beautiful.

72. This tulle Valentine’s Day wreath will surely warm your heart.

This one has pink, black, and red tulle strips. And it has a heart with a bow near the bottom. So pretty.

73. Decorate your home for Valentine’s Day with this lovely canvas garland of hearts.

This seems to have a rustic feel to this decoration. And it uses felt hearts, too. Lovely if I daresay.

74. Celebrate Valentine’s Day by hanging this lovely leopard skin heart ribbon wreath on your door.

Not a big fan of leopard prints. Somehow I think this is rather tacky as hell. But I’m sure someone is bound to like it. Yet, it’s just not me.

75. These hugs and kisses blocks are just too sweet to miss.

Sure lit looks kind of frilly and in pink. But you have to like these because they’re so adorable.

76. These blocks will surely bring the love into your home.

These blocks spell “LOVE.” And they’re all held together by a red tulle bow.

77. If you want to give out candy for Valentine’s Day, these heart jars can’t be beat.

Of course, if I received something like these jars, I’d throw out the candy hearts and keep the jar. Seriously, candy hearts are disgusting.

78. Grace your door this Valentine’s Day with this red and pink wreath.

Seems to be decorated with hearts, branches, and baubles. And it even has a pink ribbon around it.

79. This rose tree centerpiece is bound to liven any Valentine’s Day table.

I’m sure the roses are fake and and the beads are draped down. Still, it’s so pretty and I bet it took a lot of time to make.

80. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a heart wreath of roses.

I’m sure the roses on this are fake and are in shades of white, red, pink, and purple. Nevertheless, they’re very pretty if you ask me.

81. Place your Valentine’s Day candy is this lovely heart yarn basket.

This seems rather clever. Of course, I’m sure there had to be sticks to hold it up.

82. This heart shaped wreath has berries all over its branches.

This mostly consists of red and white berries which I know are fake. Nevertheless, I surely love the red ribbon on top.

83. You can’t have a wonderful Valentine’s Day without a large block of love.

Well, it’s a large glass block that says, “Love” and “Be Mine” and it’s filled with candy heart. And it’s all tied up with a ribbon.

84. For flowers, this Valentine’s Day fingerprint vase will do quite nicely.

These vases are obviously bought from a craft star. And the hearts are made by fingerprints. But these are certainly cute.

85. You can’t do Valentine’s Day without some heart crayons.

Seems to come in 4 different colors. Nevertheless, these are rather adorable and I’m sure kids would like them.

86. This quilted heart cloth makes a fine table centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dining room.

It’s a patchwork spread with a heart in a middle. But you have to think it’s rather quaint if you ask me.

87. This love block is sure to light up your room on Valentine’s Day.

It’s a lovely block with a rather simple design. Yet, I surely love the ribbon tying this one. Like the light, too.

88. This white wall hanging of hearts is a great Valentine’s Day decoration in your home.

Seems to resemble some vintage Valentine’s Day decorations. Yet, I found this on Pinterest. Nevertheless, love the flowers on these.

89. Grace your home with this pink heart wreath of tissue roses.

I’m sure kids could make something like this. However, it seems to take a lot of time. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful.

90. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a heart sparkle dish.

Of course, you can’t eat anything on it. But you have to love the sparkles on here. Nevertheless, it’s very pretty if you ask me.

91. Grace your home this Valentine’s Day with these floral heart wreaths.

These consist of a purple one, a pink one, and one that’s in between. Yes, the flowers are fake and seem to resemble those on a tombstone. But they’re so beautiful.

92. When it comes to candle decor, you can’t do better than these Valentine’s Day candle wrappers.

These seem rather simple to make. Just some fancy cloth and some hearts attached to a pony tail holder. How hard could this be?

93. For your country home, this lovely wooden heart would look great on your wall.

Seems this uses a lot of glitter which can make a real mess. But it does seem to be quite pretty, nevertheless.

94. If you love music, then you’ll adore this little heart guitar.

Yes, this is a kid craft project. No, I don’t think you could actually play it. But I’m sure some of my fans will appreciate it.

95. Spruce up your dining room this Valentine’s Day with this chair cover of hearts.

Not sure how many are available. But you have to love all the hearts on these. They tend to come in so many shapes and sizes.

96. Light up your Valentine’s Day with these glitter heart candle holders.

These are so adorable. Sure the glitter makes a mess. Yet, the mess seems to be totally worth it as you see the results.

97. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile without these decorative plates.

Sayings are “Kiss Me,” “Be Mine,” and “Love You.” Still, these are so utterly adorable.

98. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t do wrong with a heart wreath of red roses.

If you’re a rustic romantic, this is the kind of Valentine’s Day wreath for you. Not sure if it’s easy to make but it sure is beautiful.

99. Those who love Valentine’s Day will certainly enjoy this floral heart wreath.

This seems to be made by either a professional or someone with too much time on their hands. Still, it sure is beautiful though.

100. If you love Valentine’s Day, you’d surely find this button wreath adorable.

Yes, it’s a heart shaped button wreath. I’m sure it’s filled with all kinds of buttons. But it sure looks so cute.

Be Mine with These Valentine’s Day Treats (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 18, 2016

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As you may have guessed, Valentine’s Day isn’t one of my favorite holidays, and I’m doing such posts early this year so I can get the holiday over with. Last year, I did a post on Valentine’s Day treats and it received a rather warm reception. So I decided to do another one for all my fans out there. As we all know, Valentine’s Day is a highly celebrated holiday. And it’s no surprise that many people tend to hold Valentine’s Day parties which aren’t as extravagant as the ones they have on Christmas. But there are plenty of treats people post on Pinterest associated with the holiday which leaves me with a lot to work with. Not to mention, the fact most schoolchildren are usually obligated to bring valentines and treats to school as well. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of some more Valentine’s Day treats.

For starters, we begin with the chocolate hearts on sticks.

Wonder whether these are made with cake or marshmallow filling. Probably marshmallow, I guess. But they look so cute.

2. These animal cookies are bound to melt your heart.

Now these consist of a butterfly, a ladybug, an owl, a bird, a dog, and a penguin. But they’re all so adorable in their own special way.

3. For your Valentine’s Day party, you can’t go wrong with XO salad.

Yes, the X’s and O’s are made from cheese. Bit it includes some cucumber hearts as well.

4. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day than some red heart gobs.

Yes, these are little heart cupcake sandwiches. Not sure how big they are. For all I know they could be rather bite size.

5. How about some heart churos with your coffeee?

These are churos made into hearts. And yes, a few of them fit wonderfully on a saucer like this one.

6. With heart shaped marshmallows and candy, you can make your own Valentine’s sundae.

Yet, between the two of these, I’ll take the one with the M&M’s. Those heart candies tastes like sugary chalk dust.

7. Grace your Valentine’s Day cupcakes with red icing, hearts, and roses.

Now these seem like classic Valentine’s Day cupcakes. I’m sure they were made in a bakery though. Nevertheless, they’ll surely do.

8. These Rice Krispie treats contain chocolate hearts for your Valentine’s Day delight.

I don’t know about you but I think these look delicious. And they have chocolate, too.

9. These heart shaped potatoes will go well with any Valentine’s Day dinner.

Sure to go with any heart shaped steak or meat as you desire. Think it’s a rather clever idea though.

10. With heart cookies like these, you can make a wreath.

Yes, that is a heart cookie wreath. Yes, I think this was professionally made. Nevertheless, I think it’s great and you should, too.

11. Feast your eyes on this envelope tart.

It’s like a tart with an envelope crust and fruity filling inside. This one is totally well suited for Valentine’s Day as you see.

12. These marshmallow robots on a stick are only filled with love.

I’m sure these aren’t edible since they’re of the same composition as marshmallow peeps. However, you can’t doubt their cuteness by any stretch of the imagination.

13. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with some tarts by the Queen of Hearts.

well, they may not be made by the Queen of hearts (because she doesn’t exist). But these do have hearts and they are cute.

14. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without some valentine chicken pot pie.

Then again, it might be quiche. However, you have to admire the hearts on the crust. That’s quite creative.

15. Be kind to your heart this Valentine’s Day with some heart salad.

Yes, it’s a salad with hearts. And yes, those hearts are made from cheese and bacon bits. And so is the lettuce.

16. Grace your Valentine’s Day dessert platter with cheesecake with hearts.

This cheesecake has hearts all over it in a spiral. Sure it’s professionally made but it looks so pretty.

17. For healthy Valentine’s Day snack, you can’t go wrong with these fruity ladybugs.

Wonder how they get the berries into the strawberry. Nevertheless, these fruity bugs are so adorable.

18. Wake up in the morning to some Valentine’s Day crepes.

I guess “crepes” are fancy looking pancakes from how I see it. Can’t really do a design like that because I’d sure mess up somewhere.

19. For frozen treats, these Valentine’s Day ice cream sandwiches will do the trick.

Seems like you put some strawberry ice cream between 2 chocolate cookies. Then decorate with icing hearts however you like.

20. Nothing makes a better centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dessert platter than this “My Heart Pounds for You” cake.

It’s basically a pound cake with strawberries in it and shaped like a hot. And this one consists of chocolate and vanilla.

21. If hearts aren’t your thing, you can always go with kiss lips.

These are “Big Kiss Cake Pops.” Yes they tend to look like plastic lips on a stick. But they’re not.

22. These heart sticks are great with a cup of hot chocolate.

It’s a cookie stick with some chocolate icing and mini marshmallows. Wonder if it tastes like a smore. Probably not.

23. For Valentine’s Day dinner, heart ravioli is a lovely treat.

And it seems like these ravioli can go with anything like shrimp. Nevertheless, it’s rather likely these are filled with cheese.

24. Wake up this Valentine’s Day morning to some heart shaped donuts.

Of course, if you eat enough of these, they’re not bound to do your heart much good. Still, you have to love these.

25. For Valentine’s Day dinner, you can’t do better for a vegetable than with some heart shaped carrots.

I guess these carrot hearts were made for kids and to go with peas. Nevertheless, they’re adorable.

26. Make your Valentine’s Day party a success with some kiss lips fruit salad.

As you see, the kiss lips, XO, and hearts are all made from watermelon. Nevertheless, it seems like a rather ingenious idea conducted by someone with too much time on their hands.

27. Then again, a fruit salad with hearts is just as nice.

Seems like this salad has more hearts than the last one. And they don’t just consist of watermelon either.

28. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a pie covered in hearts.

Guess this is a strawberry pie as I can tell. Nevertheless, its crust is all covered in hearts like I said.

29. Your valentine is bound to enjoy these envelope sugar cookies.

And they fit in a shiny red mailbox as far as I can see. Nevertheless, they’re quite cute.

30. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day sweeter than a cake covered in heart shaped candies.

Of course, you might want to take the candies off as you eat it. Those things taste like chalk dust and flavored sugar. It’s disgusting.

31. Nothing makes a better addition to your Valentine’s Day party platter than some pink deviled eggs with hearts.

Guess these hearts are made from beets from how I see it. Not sure what to think about the pink, though.

32. Heart cookies are always cuter when they’re ladybugs.

I’m sure kids are bound to love these. Not sure why they use ladybugs for Valentine’s Day. But these are adorable.

33. You’ll find a red heart when you take a slice of this cake.

Yes, this Valentine’s cake has a heart inside. Not sure how they do this. Still, I like that it’s chocolate.

34. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t resist these Hershey Kiss sugar cookies.

Consist of red, pink, and silver. May not be chocolate. But they sure look good to me.

35. You can’t have a Valentine’s Day party without rainbow jello hearts.

However, before your kids eat them, ask the host whether they contain alcohol. Remember just because it’s jello, doesn’t mean it’s for kids.

36. For healthier options, you might want to go with these heart fruit kabobs.

Consists of strawberries and grapes. And it seems that the strawberries are shaped like hearts, too.

37. This Valentine’s Day, your heart will melt for these X and O smores.

Seems like they consist of chocolate covered cookies with marshmallows sandwiched between them. Sure look good though.

38. You can’t go wrong this Valentine’s Day with these heart biscuits.

I know biscuits aren’t the best things for you. But they sure taste so good that they’re irresistible.

39. Those in the Tex-Mex mood will surely enjoy these heart empanadas.

Guess an empanada is a Mexican calzone of some sort. But these certainly look delicious.

40. You can’t go wrong on Valentine’s Day without these marshmallow candy hearts.

Sure taste better than the real thing. Because almost anything tastes better than sugar, chalk dust, and artificial flavors. And that’s a fact.

41. Warm up this Valentine’s Day with some tomato soup and grilled cheese heart sandwiches.

By the way, you dip your sandwich in the soup if I’m not mistaken. Hope you get my drift.

42. These cocktail cupcakes will sure make a fine addition on any Valentine’s Day party dessert platter.

Seems like these cupcakes are made in cocktail glasses. Wonder if they’re oven resistant. Must be but you’ll never know.

43. Delight your guests this Valentine’s Day with these stained glass heart cookies.

These seem to come in several different colors and flavors. Still, wonder how you get the jello in the heart because I’m stumped of how that works.

44. Your Valentine’s Day party will liven up with these sugar cookie candy hearts.

And I guarantee you that they’ll be much better than anything made from sweetened chalk dust with artificial flavoring. Seriously, real candy hearts are disgusting.

45. On Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with these smore cookies.

These consists of chocolate covered graham crackers with heart marshmallows on top. Perfect for any winter day.

46. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without these heart patty candies.

Not sure what they’re made of. But according to Pinterest, they’re said to be edible because there’s a recipe listed.

47. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a chocolate lover’s cheesecake.

They have hearts on top in a regular and white chocolate swirl. Of course, I’m sure they’re incredibly delicious.

48. These heart pretzels make the ideal Valentine’s Day snack.

Yes, these pretzels aren’t all uniform. But I’m sure somebody would find them quite tasty.

49. All these Valentine’s Day cookies fit well in a cute red little box.

Mostly consists of letters and hearts. Still, you have to love these, especially since they’re chocolate.

50. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a cake with 3 hearts in it.

The hearts are supposed to be made of raspberry buttercream icing, according to Pinterest. Still, the chocolate makes it look delicious.

51. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you have an X and O brownie dish on your dessert platter.

Available in chocolate and vanilla filling. Nevertheless, they sure look tasty that’s for sure.

52. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you feast your eyes on this salad.

Seems to consist of tomatoes in a heart shape with some marshmallows in the center. Quite ingenious if you get my drift.

53. Grace your dessert platter this Valentine’s Day with this pink rose topped cake.

This looks like a lovely cake. Guess it’s professionally made or created by someone with too much time on their hands. But it sure looks pretty.

54. Treat yourself this Valentine’s Day to some heart shaped potato skins.

Contains cheese and bacon as well as some spices. You can even dip them in some dip of sour cream.

55. These Valentine’s Day candy kabobs are sure to be a real treat.

Not sure if I’d want to eat any of the candies on this stick. But I’m sure kids are going to love them. Yet, I do like the ribbons.

56. For Valentine’s Day dinner, you can’t go wrong with some heart beat salad.

It consists of hearts and they are made of beets. Get it? Still, seems to look great.

57. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you will certainly fall in love with these cupcakes.

Really like this arrangement here. Like the hearts, especially the ones that spell “LOVE.”

58. Those who enjoy some Japanese fare will enjoy some heart shaped sushi.

None of them seem to be in the traditional Valentine’s Day colors like red, white, or pink. But they certainly do look wonderful if you ask me.

59. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without some red heart shaped bread.

I think this bread might be in the dough stage and made by a professional. Nevertheless, it sure looks lovely, and possibly tasty when it’s break.

60. All that don this cake are hearts and roses.

Not sure if those roses are edible. But they sure look pretty. Also love the chocolate icing.

61. If you want to keep your heart healthy this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this hearty salad.

Consists of hearts of tomatoes, cucumbers, and cheese. Nevertheless, whoever made this must’ve had too much time on their hands as far as I’m concerned.

62. These heart pretzels will make a tasty Valentine’s Day treat.

Consists of pretzels, candy hearts, and nutella. Nevertheless, they’re probably the easiest treats on this post so far.

63. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you feast your eyes on these chocolate covered Valentine’s Day Oreos.

Yes, these are Oreos with hearts on them. Still, other than the design, they seem rather easy to make.

64. This heart shaped cookie cake is a perfect edition to your Valentine’s Day party dessert platter.

Seems to consist of a chocolate chip cookie crust with a chocolate filling that’s sprinkled with candy hearts and chocolate chips. Sure looks delicious though.

65. You can’t have a great Valentine’s Day party without including some chocolate covered pretzels with hearts.

All it takes are candy hearts, pretzel sticks and chocolate. Nevertheless, it’s a rather doable snack.

66. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a cake of a box of chocolates.

Now this is better than any box of chocolates (well, at least samplers). Seriously, if you receive a box, how many of those would you actually want to eat? My point.

67. For healthy options, you can’t go wrong with this rainbow fruit snack platter.

Seems that this tray has a different fruit for every color. Well, there are 2 representing green, but still. And the grapes are in the wrong place as well.

68. For Valentine’s Day, feast your eyes on some Salámové.

But to me, it’s a form of pizza. Nevertheless, this is the kind of food art that’s done by repressed art majors at grocery store delis.

69. Wake up this Valentine’s Day morning with some heart shaped French toast.

Now this resembles the kind of breakfast you’d see at some fancy restaurant or 5-star hotel. And each bit is topped with icing and strawberries.

70. Add some color in your life with these rainbow heart Rice Krispie treats.

Yes, they’re candy heart colored. But I assure you, they will taste much better. Seriously, sugary chalk dust is disgusting.

71. Would you like some heart marshmallows in your hot chocolate?

Well, this seems rather easy, until you realize you need a heart cutter that small. But it’s still cute.

72. These raspberry cookie sandwiches will be a Valentine’s Day delight.

Well, I see some of them also have strawberries as well. Nevertheless, it’s in a heart so it goes on this post.

73. For Valentine’s Day, have some strawberry cake in a jar.

Yes, it’s a cake in a jar. Don’t ask me how this was made. And it has a red heart on top.

74. I call this Valentine’s Day delight, “Death by Chocolate.”

It’s a cake smothered in every kind of chocolate you can think of. And it’s topped with white heart.

75. Nothing makes a better addition for your Valentine’s Day dessert platter than some flying heart cupcakes.

Wings seem to come in red, pink, and white. Not sure what they’re made of. But I think this is a clever idea.

76. Anyone who loves Valentine’s Day will love these Cupid cookies.

These use gingerbread man cookie cutters but they’re in red velvet. Nevertheless, they’re adorable.

77. Valentine’s popcorn makes a lovely snack.

However, before I’d eat this, I’d take out the candy hearts first. Flavored sugar chalk is disgusting to say the least.

78. You can’t have a great Valentine’s Day dinner without some heart salad.

Contains hearts among tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and carrots. However, you might want to remove the toothpicks before you eat the tomatoes.

79. This plate of Valentine’s Day sushi contains pink hearts.

Wonder how they got the heart in this sushi. Perhaps it’s better not to dwell on it too much.

80. A cake like this is bound to have kisses all over it.

However, I assure you it’s perfectly safe to eat. Because I’m positive whoever made this used stamps for the imprints.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 15, 2016

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Yes, I know Valentine’s Day is only a month away but it’s not one of my favorite holidays, except when it pertains to blogging about it. And posting about vintage valentines are one of these reasons since they get a lot of views during this time. So it helps that I start as early as possible. Nevertheless, when we think of Valentines Day, we tend to think of cutesy things like hearts, love, candy, and other things pertaining to this massively commercialized holiday. Another feature on Valentine’s are well, valentines, which have existed since this holiday was around. As I said some time before, when some people think of vintage valentines, they tend to think about cutesy cards like the one I showed above. Yes, it has a quote from the Bible but I’d put it on there anyway if I didn’t. Now I could show you all the lovely vintage valentines on this post. But as before you’d find them drab and bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show you more of some of the vintage valentines that make you want to scratch your head and wonder why the hell did they exist. So for your reading pleasure, I present to you some more crazy valentines from yesterday.

This lady has a Valentine’s Day offering from her boyfriend.

Yes, you may wonder how she managed to snag a guy in the first place. However, perhaps it’s not our place to judge even though she kind of does seem like the kind of woman who’d put children in an oven.

2. Nothing shows the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a clown about to shoot himself.

Hey, man, just because she turned you down, doesn’t mean you have to end it all. It’s probably not your fault. Seriously, you need help.

3. “The blood tastes like love, I play it a song while it bleeds!”

And from the look at this boy’s face, I suspect that he’ll be on his way to become a future neighborhood psychokiller. Avoid him like the plague.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than sending your sweetheart a card stealthily asking her for sex.

Yes, I know what “yank my doodle means.” And no, I really don’t want to know whether it’s a dandy. Really don’t want to know.

5. “You can’t put the ‘fire’ in my heart for you!”

Seems like there’s a fire between the girl’s legs and despite her dress about to be burnt, she seems quite excited at the boy having his hose up that’s spraying water everywhere. Now that doesn’t look right.

6. “I don’t….’aim’ to miss – I want you for my valentine!”

Yes, nothing looks better on a valentine than an image of a smoking gun. You know, something that was made to kill stuff with the pull of a trigger. Not sure if that’s appropriate for romance.

7. You can’t have cuter valentine than one of a cute witch cooking a bunch of hearts in a cauldron.

Guys, take note, if this cute witch asks for a potion of your love, you give it to her, please. Otherwise, you might end up like the others who refused her. Look in the pot.

8. Wood you be a valentine for this eager beaver?

For a rather wholesome animal, they tend to be featured on rather dirty valentines. This one is no exception, especially since the eager beaver is female and asks for wood.

9. This butcher will “stake” his heart on you.

And there he goes gleefully raising his cleaver as he cuts some meat on a wooden table. Yes, butcher themed valentines are rather disturbing to say the least.

10. “Don’t be cross, ‘gas’ who it is?”

I don’t know. Some terrifying battlefield nurse with a very inappropriate bedside manner? That’s the impression I get from this.

11. On Valentine’s Day, he’s going hunting to find a fine valentine like you.

I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid this boy with a vengeance even if he does have a box of chocolates. Seriously, that look in his eyes makes him seem like he has murder on the mind. Or he just may be an “excitable boy” (in the Warren Zevon context).

12. The Devil knows that you’ll have a hot time with him on Valentine’s Day.

Then again, I might want to take a pass on this satyr boy from hell. He just looks evil if you ask me. Then again, you should expect that from Satan.

13. Of course, nothing brings out the wholesome romantic spirit of Valentines Day than a date with ice cream.

Okay, that’s probably the most phallic ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a double header. all right, but it resembles some guy’s junk. Some guy’s junk, I tell you.

14. This bunny is loaded with love for you.

This bunny is also carrying a loaded shotgun that’s just discharged. Let’s just say this little gun toting rabbit just failed Gun Safety 101.

15. “Just say you’ll be my valentine and watch me ‘lap it up.'”

Okay, that’s not the kind of relationship anyone should have with their canine companions. Seriously, why anyone think that this card was a good idea? Why?

16. This Valentine’s Day feature: Dickie’s Romance.

A dickie t’ween you and me. I think I get the message on that one. Yet, I’m not sure if he’s talking about the movie or something else.

17. This firefighter is burning to know hose valentine are you.

Again with the fireman motifs. Still, if she says it’s not him, is the firefighter going to leave so she’ll burn to a crisp? That’s what I’m wondering.

18. “Valentine, ‘house’ my chance to ‘nail’ you for mine?”

This boy seems to have such an innocent face for an outright pervert. Yeah, this is a pretty dirty valentine asking to get some.

19. “I’m cock sure you’re meant to be my valentine!”

Not sure if the kid was being wholesome. But the moment when you see the word, “cock.” you’re bound to imagine what’s the nature of his intentions.

20. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like forcing yourself onto the object of your affections.

Uh, I don’t know about you. But I think “steal a hug” might qualify as sexual harassment since it’s totally unwanted. And he’s basically saying that he’s coming on to her whether she wants him or not. How romantic! Yeah right.

21. If you like ’em smooth and slick, then he’s the guy you want to pick.

Is that the kid from the Big Boy restaurant chain? Man, has he grown. And he seems to be way more creepy than how I remember him.

22. “You can kick me around and I won’t mind, valentine!”

Translated: “You can treat me like crap all you want but I don’t care.” Seems like such sender either is so desperate for a valentine and has no self-esteem or is a masochist. So maybe you shouldn’t lead with that.

23. “You ‘strike’ me just right, my valentine!”

Clearly, this doesn’t seem like a foundation to a healthy relationship. Sure she hit the ball that gave him a black eye by accident, but still. It’s pretty disturbing.

24. “I’m out to get you for my valentine.”

Great, I’ll be under my bed. Couldn’t possibly see anything more romantic than having my life threatened into being your valentine (sarcasm).

25. “You’re my target so be my valentine.”

Okay, so is this supposed to be a friendly request or a death threat? So I guess this guy is going to vaporize me if I say no? Brilliant!

26. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a circus clown scaring the bejesus out of you.

Hey, at least she only saw the spider. Still, I think the clown above is even more terrifying looking. If I were her, I’d just say no way in hell.

27. “I’m axin’ you to be my valentine.”

I don’t think “axin'” is the right word here. Still, I think I’d be scared of this kid getting a hold of an ax. Seriously, I’d be afraid of him chopping me into little pieces as I sleep.

28. There’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a guy holding you at gunpoint.

Yes, he may be a detective like you see in the old movies. But I really wouldn’t go for him since he appears to have a gun pointed right at you. Doesn’t really help if you’re looking for love.

29. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile than a passionate embrace.

For some reason, this picture reminds me less of passionate romance and more of the time when Adrien Brody won for Best Actor at the Oscars. But I think Halle Berry took it surprisingly better than the guy in question in this card.

30. “It’ll be monstrous, valentine, if you won’t be mine.”

Okay, I think this might mean that Frankie’s not the kind of guy who takes rejection well. And that’s not good. Really not good.

31. “My Valentine, I’m pan-handling for your love.”

Now this pan headed woman is bound to cause anyone nightmares. Seriously, those eyes and that smile seem incredibly freaky that it’s scary.

32. This Valentine’s Day, tell your sweetheart how you really want it.

Yes, she seems to be a rather demure kind of girl. But had she lived around these days, I’d bet any money that she’d be a huge fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

33. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nobody wants to be in the dog house.

Now it’s one thing to be sent to the dog house. But it’s insane that there’s a valentine depicting a kid being tied up in a dog house like a dog. Seriously, that’s crazy.

34. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine.”

Uh, how old is this girl supposed to be? Because I don’t think her appearing naked like this is appropriate for a valentine. I could be wrong.

35. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day ride? A steamroller.

“Well, I’m a steamroller, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./Yes, I’m a steamroller now, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” Still, I’d clear the ground before he rolls along.

36. “I’ll be ‘burned’ up, if you won’t be my valentine.”

Does anyone think that tying yourself on a stake and setting yourself on fire a incredibly crazy? So why is there such image on a valentine. Seriously, why? That’s insane.

37. There’s nothing so romantic on Valentine’s Day than being robbed at gunpoint.

Sorry, man, but I don’t think committing daylight armed robberies is a great way to pick up chicks. Don’t mean to put you down. Just telling you like it is.

38. When it comes to sending a valentine, Disney is always a good choice.

Just make sure that they aren’t old Disney valentines. Because the old Mickey and Minnie here are utterly horrifying. And no, I don’t want Mickey to come down to earth.

39. “Please take stock in what I say – I want you for my valentine.”

Okay, this isn’t as bad as the girl being burned at the stake. But still, it’s pretty messed up. Why the hell they thought it was a good idea, I’ll never know.

40. “Tain’t so screwy, my love is permanent, be my valentine.”

To be fair, women had their hair done like this back in the day. However, nowadays, it seems to resemble some terrifying sci-fi torture device.

41. “I’d like to hog you for my valentine so….don’t squeal on me!”

Hate to squeal about this one, but this pig is terrifying. Seriously, it seems like it wants to extract some kind of evil ploy on the farmers who killed its family.

42. “Scrubbed so clean you’ll be my queen, valentine.”

For the love of God, whoever designed a creepy card like this would sure as hell be on some list of sex offenders as we speak. Seriously, this card is so inappropriate on so many levels it’s not even funny. Why the hell did they think it was a good idea? Why?

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day more romantic than your cannibalistic girlfriend cooking you alive.

I think for most people this would be rather nightmarish. But this guy doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets to look at her boobs.

44. “You’re good enough to eat, valentine.”

Of course, this isn’t the kind of compliment you’d want to receive from a big hungry cat. Because for all you know, they might seriously think of devouring you.

45. “I’ll purr-sue you always, my valentine.”

Okay, this is the kind of girl you’d want to avoid. Might want to call for a restraining order if she’s ever into you. Still, I really feel bad for that cat. Poor thing.

46. When it comes to valentines, people also like receiving presents with them.

I’m sure it would be nothing that this creepy boy has in his packages. Because for all we know, they could be beating hearts of all the girls whom he murdered after they rejected his advances.

47. “Ain’t love a swell condition? I caught it from you.”

Yeah, but having a bandage around your head sure isn’t. Besides, it kind of makes this kid look a bit freaky if you ask me.

48. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without including its cherubic mascot Cupid.

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And it seems like he’s preparing for some sort of home invasion as I see it. He even has a stash of arrows, a sack of hearts, and a gun. Why he’s like this, I have no idea.

49. “You’ll missile – lot if you won’t be my valentine.”

Nevertheless, kid, hold that missile long enough and I’m sure you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come. Seriously, that doesn’t look safe by any stretch of the imagination.

50. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nothing can be more spectacular than seeing hearts in the sky.

Though with hearts flying into a spider web, I beg to differ. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if this valentine was brought to you by somebody’s drug-induced hallucination trip.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 13, 2016

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For my 26th birthday, I had thought about doing a blog post on bad vintage birthday cards. However, turns out that while finding terrible vintage holiday cards isn’t much of a challenge, this wasn’t the same with birthday cards. So realizing that such search would take forever, I decided to go with another cake post. After all, with the existence of Cake Wrecks, out there I have a lot to go with Besides, I had plenty left over from last year’s birthday cake post, which got a rather great reception. Now when you order a birthday cake, you always expect everything about it to be right. But sometimes this isn’t the case. In my last birthday cake post, I had a lot of cakes that range from age inappropriate, outright creepy, unintentionally dirty, decorated by people with no understanding of following directions, and others. So for your reading pleasure, here are a treasure trove of more disastrous birthday cakes. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

Seems like this person’s loved ones aren’t giving warm wishes.

Let’s hope the recipient isn’t turning 5. Because that would be bad. Still, like the rainbow color on this, though.

2. When you have someone in your life turning 50, it’s great to give them some support.

However, this is not what I had in mind. So I suggest that you give Lori some padding, too? Seriously, why?

3. If your boy is into the Avengers, a cupcake cake of Thor’s hammer is sure to be right for the occasion.

Then again, maybe this family should’ve went with Iron Man. I think a cake of Thor’s hammer may not turn out like the parents intended.

4. A monkey cake is always great for a small child’s party. Can’t have anything go wrong with that.

Yes, I know monkeys can eat bananas. Yes, I know that they do gross things. However, this monkey cake shouldn’t have it holding a banana at its crotch.

5. Speaking of little kids, this Barney cake should be perfect for any preschooler’s birthday party.

Yes, this is a very inappropriate Barney cake which will make a little girl disappointed. However, I think this is great since it makes an annoying purple dinosaur into a pink Godzilla on a rampage. It’s wonderful.

6. Of course, we all know that someone’s 16th birthday is a milestone.

Yes, I know that being 16 makes it legal to drive. However, 16 is also the age of sexual consent in some states as well. So “legal” here can be rather non-specific, which is kind of creepy.

7. Make sure the balloons look appropriate when you buy a birthday cake for Dad.

Had no idea that balloon placement could make things seem more inappropriate than they should be. Still, wonder if the family has the balls to use this one.

8. When you can’t draw something, use a decal.

I’m sure this girl wouldn’t appreciate a Denver Broncos logo on her cake. This assuming that she lives outside Colorado.

9. For a kid at any age, a dog birthday cake is sure to lift people’s spirits.

Apparently, this dog cake seems like a clinically depressed aardvark for some reason. Not sure why. Is there such a thing as canine Prozac?

10. Sometimes there are so many ways to misspell a name.

I believe the boy’s name is supposed to be “Patrick” not “Parik-Shit.” Let’s hope this kid is too young to read so he won’t ask what “shit” means.

11. For young girls, you can’t go wrong with a Disney princess cake.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a little girl is going to go for a birthday cake depicting Belle with Botox injections. Seriously, this cake is utterly terrifying even though it shouldn’t be.

12. Yes, turning 50 can be a major stepping stone in someone’s life.

Great, this cake has a diseased foot on it which really disgusting. Makes me want to lose my appetite or puke. Not sure which.

13. For the rock guitarist in your life, a cake with an electric guitar is where it’s at.

This guitar seems rather phallic for some reason. Not sure if it’s supposed to be. Still, let’s hope this one isn’t used for a kid’s birthday party. And leave it at that.

14. Apparently, somebody really has it in for Beth.

I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Beth.” I don’t think the name includes a “c.” Still, let’s she doesn’t take it too personally.

15. Happy Birthday, Mary. Oh, wait, it’s Sean’s birthday. Not Mary’s.

Seems like somebody got their birthdays mixed up. Luckily, the decorators managed to correct it with some bright green icing. Hope it makes Sean happy.

16. A birthday cake of a smiley face flower will brighten anyone’s day.

But if it’s a one-eyed smiley face flower, it’s bound to give some little kids nightmares. Seriously, that’s incredibly freaky and disturbing.

17. Hopefully, nothing will go wrong with this monkey cake.

Uh, maybe getting a monkey cake for your kid’s first birthday probably isn’t a good idea. Seriously, that monkey looks rather terrifying if you ask me.

18. With this birthday cake, it’s Superman to the rescue.

Yes, I know that Superman is supposed to be all heroic as well as fly in to save people. However, I’m not sure if having a burning building on a birthday cake should emphasize that. Don’t ask me why someone thought this was a good idea.

19. Happy birthday, Don, and say goodbye to Dora the Explorer and all her friends.

I guess the hunter already shot Dora and her buddies are dragging her away. Yeah, you get such hunting accidents like these. But maybe this bunch shouldn’t have been in the woods at this time, too.

20. Excuse me, but can anyone tell me who Adam with Blue Flowers is?

Well, at least they got the blue flowers on the cake. Still, did they have to spell it out on the icing? Seriously, it’s kind of distracting.

21. Whoever this cake is for, let’s hope she doesn’t take it personally.

Is it supposed to be “Cali Girl?” Still, I wonder who’s receiving it understands what a “call girl” is. If she does, she’ll probably be pissed.

22. Happy Birthday, Cody, and take good care of your brains.

A brain on a cake? Now that’s gross. Makes you wonder if this guy is a fan of The Walking Dead. Then again, it’s implied that he’s seven.

23. Nothing makes a happy birthday than a cake with an ashtray full of cigarettes.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to see the sight of an ashtray as depressing as it is disgusting. As a cake, I see it no differently.

24. Seems like Jason is a real jerk and no one seems to make that a secret.

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Yes, just rub it in, I tell you. Wonder why Jason didn’t do anything for the other person’s birthday. Then again, he’s probably an ungrateful asshole to get a cake like this.

25. Guess this cake is for an old guy who’s not well-endowed.

Well, at least this cakes honest. But did they have to put it on a cake? Wonder if this birthday boy drives a Hummer or tries to compensate. Still, at least this one has some candy on it.

26. Relax, guys, it just so happens that his name is Dick and that he likes tools.

However, I can see why a cake like this might make some guys squirm. Yeah, the mention of “Dick” surrounded by tools could do that for them.

27. For young girls who like fairy tales, this frog prince cake will do nicely for their birthday.

Of course, writing on a cake isn’t the best way to ask for a spell check. Seriously, it’s going to a family later for some girl’s birthday. “Plese Prooffreed This Kake” should not be on there.

28. When it comes to birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with a mustache, assuming it’s for a guy.

This mustache cake would be perfectly appropriate for a man’s birthday. However, this is for a 30-year-old woman named Annie. Let’s just say women don’t like being seen having mustaches.

29. Nothing makes a great birthday cake than one of gummy worm infested skeletons in the ground.

Because if you want to celebrate a 9-year-old’s birthday, then you have to find some way to remind them about their inevitable mortality. And how their bodies will eventually decay and be infested with bugs. Very disgusting to think about it.

30. Nothing says “happy birthday” than a cake reminding that you’re engaging in destructive health habits.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the term “alcoholic in training” is a compliment. That decal of a woman in athletic gear just seems to make it more absurd.

31. Seems like Tinkerbell messed with the wrong side of the Force.

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No, Tink, you don’t want to mess with Darth Vader. He’s not a nice guy and doesn’t tolerate mischief whatsoever. Also, that lightsaber will kill you if he swings it at you.

32. Sorry to annoy parents, but I had to post this Barney cake.

Hey, I didn’t say it was a cake of Barney doing anything nice. Rather this is him flipping the bird like he would in traffic. As the song says, “I fuck you, you fuck me, you’d be shocked of my attorney’s fee…”

33. For a little girl’s birthday, you can’t go wrong with a pony cake.

I don’t know about you but this pony looks as if it’s been impaled on the side and is now sinking in some swamp. Not a very happy sight. Poor thing.

34. This family tried to get a cake like an newspaper for their 80-year-old grandpa. Hope that went well.

I don’t think this is what they had in mind. But I’m sure they would have to do. Still, doesn’t seem like a great newspaper to me. The words are written along the columns.

35. For strong girls who love Disney, I suppose a Brave birthday cake would be appropriate.

And it seems that this cake depicts Princess Merida on clean up duty. Or are those turds supposed to be foliage. Still, someone better explain themselves because it seems that Merida has just stepped in some large pile of cow manure.

36. I suppose any boy would surely love having a Buzz Lightyear cake for their birthday.

Okay, that’s bound to give 3-year-olds nightmares. Buzz Lightyear wasn’t meant to haunt people’s dreams. But I think this decorator sees him differently for some reason.

37. Those who were preteens and teens in the last decade might remember Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

Seems to have looked a lot creepier than I remember. And they thought she’d went on the deep end when she did her performance at the VMAs or in that “Wrecking Ball” video.

38. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one with lots of green icing on it.

This cake looks so messed up that I can barely read the words on it. Seriously, it looks as is someone puked green on it.

39. Nothing says “happy birthday” than a cake engulfed in flames.

Not sure if I think a cake in flames is appropriate for someone’s birthday. Still, even for flames, these are pretty lame.

40. Seems like who ordered this cake may not have high opinions of Dave and Steve.

Guess Dave on this cake might be a little light in the loafers. And for all I know, Uncle Steve might be on some sex offender list somewhere. Let’s hope they’re not in a relationship.

41. For a birthday cake, you can’t do better than with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jack Daniels for a 25th birthday cake surprise

To be fair, this is for someone who is 25. Still, A bottle of Jack Daniels as a cake like that seems kind of depressing if you really think about it. Seems like Sam might need help.

42. Happy Birthday, Dick. I’m sorry, I mean Matt. We’re just screwing with you.

Too bad, already written down. Should’ve ordered a cake with someone who knows how to follow directions. Now that seems cruel.

43. When you turn 40, sometimes you feel that your life is going down the toilet.

Well, on the bright side, this doesn’t seem like a hard cake to make. Still, why they have to include the turds? That’s gross.

44. When you’re getting old, you might feel like you’re having a crisis.

Hope this person isn’t going through a midlife crisis. Or a health crisis. Still, not sure if you want that on a birthday cake.

45. Of course, a lot of girls would adore a Barbie birthday cake.

Well, Ryan can be a girl’s name. However, how many girls named Ryan do you know? Exactly. Still, I know a few guys named Ryan I went to school with though.

46. Nothing makes a little girl’s dream like a birthday cake of Princess Chewbacca.

Yes, this is Chewie in a dress. And yes, it’s like having the Beauty and the Beast in the same persona. Hey, laugh it up, fuzzball.

47. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for an 8-year-old than one of the Black Death.

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To be fair, this was made on purpose in light of a popular TV show in Britain. Still, Americans might not understand and think it’s gross. I hope one of professors doesn’t use a cake like that for his son’s birthday.

48. If you were around during the 2000s, you might remember the Jonas Brothers. Here’s a cake of them.

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49. When you want to have your birthday cake in a different language, maybe you shouldn’t order it retail.

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Whoever got this one should’ve ordered a blank cake and put the Chinese characters on it themselves. C’mon, what are the chances that a cake decorator in retail knows any Chinese?

50. Sometimes when you have two kids with birthdays and can only afford one cake, they might as well have to share.

Hope this cake doesn’t give any indication of how the Philadelphia Eagles were doing that season. I mean Eeyore isn’t the most sunny character from Winnie the Pooh. Still, must suck for siblings to share a cake. They should’ve went generic.

51. You can’t have a great birthday without a cake of a Chipoltle burrito.

Of course, right now you probably wouldn’t want a Chipoltle burrito cake for your birthday. Now that you think about it, with the E. Coli and Novovirus outbreaks, you don’t want to go anywhere near one.

52. Of course, clowns tend to be a popular birthday cake motif, especially for kids.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “clown massacre” is a great theme for a birthday cake. In fact, I don’t think it’s a great theme for any cake. This is horrifying.

53. A lot of 21st birthday cakes have drinking, this is the cake that expresses how some feel the day after.

Actually, waking up with a hangover isn’t any fun. So why have a cake depicting one, I have no idea. Still, least it’s better than having a cake of the movie.

54. When it comes to birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Harry Potter.

Seems like this Harry Potter cake has an acne outbreak and is totally emo teen mode. Also, where the hell is his lightning bolt scar on his forehead? Must be under the bangs.

55. When it comes to Barbie doll cakes, they’re always decked in pretty dress. Not sure about this one.

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Oh, my God, this Barbie has a beard. Guess this was originally for a girl and was made to look as manly as possible. Now it seems like some transvestite in a white frilly dress. Probably a lumberjack.

56. For the little boy who loves trains, a Thomas the Tank Engine birthday cake is just the ticket.

I don’t know about you. But it looks as if Thomas might be going off the rails. Is there any form of anger management at Shining Time Station? Because his rail rage might cause some accidents.

57. Happy 8th Birthday, Billy. Oh, wait, congratulations, Joe.

Seems like the decorator assumed that no one will notice. Please don’t mind the stuff they crossed out.

58. Of course, do you remember the time when Justin Bieber was popular? Still, there’s a birthday cake for him.

Never cared for Justin Bieber. Think he’s a scrawny twit if you ask me. Seriously, kill it. Kill it with fire.

59. Happy Birthday, Theresa. Here’s a cake you can surely sniff up to.

A coke hat cake? Seriously, that’s crazy. Oh, and it includes ecstasy. Okay, why does this cake even exist is my question. I mean why?

60. For her birthday, let no grass grow under her feet.

When they say, “Let no grass grow under her feet,” it’s usually not a compliment. Also, this cake is filled with some grammatical errors as well.

61. Now this Thomas the Tank Engine carnival birthday cake is great for any kid’s party.

Uh, did anyone get the memo that Peter has a nut allergy? I don’t think that’s something you put on cake. Not sure if this resulted in Peter breaking in hives.

62. For someone’s birthday, a bumblebee cake is always nice.

However, a cake with a bumblebee being pursued by a flamethrower, not so much. Seriously, why does this even exist? Why?

63. Happy Birthday to Heather and Susan, but more emphasis on Susan.

Yeah, I think this cake decorator has no idea how to follow directions. Also, I think this birthday cake is bound to make Heather feel disappointed.

64. Happy birthday and sorry about the soap.

Yeah, I think the soap is a bad idea. Still, let’s not hope it’s in the cake. That would be bad. Really bad.

65. Happy birthday, Dave, and remember to get a colonoscopy.

Then again, that’s a cigar burning on his butt. Which begs the question, why the hell does this cake even exist? Seriously, why?

66. Those who love Ghostbusters will adore this birthday cake.

Well, at least they’re honest. Still, that message, “you’re not special” gotta hurt. You really don’t want that on your birthday cake.

67. Celebrate your birthday with a cake of Lil’ Wayne.

Okay, I know the guy’s a rapper. But this one makes him seem like he’s a straight up horror movie villain. And the licorice dreads don’t help at all.

68. Nothing makes a better first birthday cake than one from Family Guy?

I know this was probably the parents’ idea. But still, Family Guy is a show for adults with adult jokes. A monkey cake would make more sense.

69. When it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with a castle.

I don’t know about you but those towers don’t look right. To me they kind of resemble a trio of flowery dildos. Definitely not what you’d want on a cake for a little girl’s birthday.

70. Those who grew up with The Magic School Bus will enjoy this birthday cake of Ms. Frizzle.

Wait a minute, that’s supposed to be of musical artist Tori Amos. My bad. And a very bad rendition of her, too. Seriously, that doesn’t look right.

71. Of course, I couldn’t do a birthday cake post without including one of My Little Pony.

Well, this cake just says “My Little Pony,” so the birthday girl in this situation will have to use her imagination. Which is kind of a shame because the decorator didn’t know how to follow directions.

72. This 14-year-old girl’s birthday cake will bring you to tears.

Or rather, tears of, wait, is that supposed to be blood? Sure looks like it. So why did anyone think this was a good idea for a birthday cake? Why?

73. Since Frozen is all the rage, I just had to include a birthday cake of Queen Elsa.

Now that hardly resembles Elsa at all. More like a cartoony Queen Marie Antoinette dressed like Elsa for Halloween. They should’ve used a decal instead.

74. Happy 35th Birthday and sorry, I can’t draw a unicorn.

Well, I have to admire the decorator’s honesty. Then again, they might just have been repeating what the customer ordered. Either way, doesn’t look great on a cake.

75. Girls who love Disney princesses will surely adore this Cinderella birthday cake.

I’m afraid Cinderella hasn’t aged very well. That, or she’s been having a lot of plastic surgery over the years that has gone horribly wrong. I’m not sure which.

76. Happy birthday, and by the way, you’re fat.

Yeah, I think having “Happy Birthday Chubby” on a cake is bound to cause someone to have either a lower self-image or lose their temper. Please, don’t try to risk either.

77. All what this cake should say is, “Happy Birthday.”

Seems like someone took some customer’s directions a bit more literal than they should. Seriously, all they had to write was “Happy Birthday.” How hard could it be?

78. For small children, you can’t go wrong with an Elmo birthday cake.

To be fair, the birthday girl in this situation was sharing a birthday with her dad. However, it does seem like Elmo’s being naughty at a strip club. Seriously, couldn’t they just put a pickup truck for God’s sake?

79. All right, who the hell is L Hyphen A (With Sprinkles)?

Seems like this cake decorator put down exactly just what the customer ordered. Just not how they wanted it. That’s how you get cakes like these.

80. A guy who likes action movies would always like a birthday cake with Chuck Norris.

This cake is so wrong on so many levels. For one, that doesn’t look like Chuck Norris. Second, the grammar is horrible. Oh, that’s supposed to be “doesn’t cry”. Well, the spacing’s too close. Third, an assault weapon, really?

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 9, 2016

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Since the NFL playoffs are major events on television this time of year, it’s no surprise that sponsors tend to air a flow of commercials during these games, many of which you probably have never seen before. Now many of these tend to pertain to food, cars, alcoholic beverages, and boner pills. But some don’t. Nevertheless, it’s not unusual that you might see plenty of products endorsed by celebrities sort of like, “Buy this product because I use it and I think it’s great. And I’m famous enough that you’ll trust my judgement.” You might not know this but the practice of product promotion through celebrity endorsement has been around for a very long time. How long?, you may ask. Well, let’s just that Roman gladiators endorsed products like today’s professional athletes. But why would anyone listen to a celebrity on something like food or hair care products? I don’t know. But I do know that people listen to celebrities, perhaps more than they should. I mean if it wasn’t for Jenny McCarthy saying that vaccines cause autism (which isn’t true at all by the way as several studies have shown), some people wouldn’t be as skeptical of vaccines as they are (which isn’t a good thing, honestly). Nevertheless, I can show you some of the great vintage celebrity endorsement ads out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show some of the more questionable ones, some of which don’t have the same impact as they did upon release. Others make you shake your head for an explanation. So without further adieu, I present to you some crazy celebrity endorsements from yesteryear. There’s a chance you might not know a lot of these people.

After a show, the legendary jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong likes to relax to Camel cigarettes.

Uh, Louis, as a jazz trumpet player, you work a lot with your lungs which is apparent in photos. So I don’t think relaxing to Camels may not be the best way to relax. Seriously, it’s not.

2. Rock Hudson sure likes to wrap around girls wearing Emba Mink.

Anyone who’s familiar with Rock Hudson’s sexual orientation would automatically see why this ad is hilarious. Seriously, I’m sure he’s totally faking it with that woman. I mean anyone who has any idea about who he was knows that he was more into the boys.

3. If Stevie Wonder could play video games, he’d play Atari.

Of course, Stevie Wonder doesn’t play video games because he’s as blind as a bat since birth. Seriously, how in the hell could anyone trust a blind guy’s judgement on video game consoles? Yes, he’s a Grammy award winning legend, but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to video games. And I especially mean that if it pertains to an ad endorsed by a guy who can’t see a thing.

4. If Geoffrey Holder had hair, he’d use Vidal Sassoon for men.

I’m not sure who this guy is other than him being a bald black actor. However, when it comes to choosing a shampoo, who do you think I’d trust more a bald guy or Sasquatch? Answer is always going to be Sasquatch every time. Still, at least Troy Polamalu’s endorsements for Head and Shoulders actually make sense.

5. New York Yankees legend Babe Ruth likes to smoke Old Gold cigarettes after a big game.

Great job, Babe, that’s another way to be a bad influence among your young fans. Now I understand nobody thought anything about it at the time. But still, those Old Gold cigarettes can’t help your game.

6. When it comes to giving boxes of chocolates, Humphrey Bogart chooses Whitman’s.

Reading Bogart’s face in this ad, I don’t think he communicates an expression of thoughtfulness. Rather I think he’s trying to put on a straight face while wondering how the hell he got into this endorsement deal in the first place.

7. Sandra Dee always tans faster with Coppertone suntan lotion.

When it comes to suntan lotion, you don’t want something that gives you a faster and deeper tan. Because that’s followed by a faster and deeper burn. Also, is it just me, or does Sandra Dee look a bit like a Oompah Loompah?

8. Dolores Del Rio smokes Lucky Strikes and has her throat insured for $50,000.

Uh, I don’t know about you, Dolores, but I think quitting Lucky Strikes altogether is a better investment on your throat than a $50,000 insurance policy. After all, years of smoking killed Humphrey Bogart and George Harrison in their late 50s from throat cancer.

9. Fred MacMurray always enjoys the taste of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

Is it just me or does Fred MacMurray seem to have a psychokiller glint on his face? He just looks so terrifying as if he’s trying to hide his strong bloodlust behind his pearly white smile. Still, this guy wasn’t known for playing psychokillers. Having a romantic interest in psychokillers, yes. But that was just Double Indemnity.

10. When it comes to cigarette brands, legendary baseball player Jackie Robinson smokes Chesterfield.

Yeah, Jackie, way to go with encouraging kids to smoke. Just remember you’ll be an anti-drug crusader toward the end of your life and die of a heart attack at 53.

11. Dorothy Lamour always knows that Royal Crown Cola tastes better than all the others.

I don’t drink pop so I couldn’t care less about Dorothy Lamour’s soft drink preference. However, I am interested about where Dorothy Lamour gets her hair done. Is it somewhere in Whoville?

12. Liberate your eyes with Alice Cooper’s Whiplash unisex mascara.

Well, I think Alice Cooper having a unisex mascara line is actually appropriate. However, not sure what I think about him wearing shiny wrapping paper with electrical tape. That’s just weird.

13. Right Guard Sport Stick helps Hulk Hogan express his sensitive side.

Hulk Hogan achieved fame as a studio wrestler. I’m sure an ad showing him putting up a sweat in the ring would be more appropriate. So why they have him painting is beyond me.

14. Royal Crown Cola would like to congratulate on her Oscar win for Mildred Pierce.

I’m sure Joan Crawford will be a reliable spokeswoman for Royal Crown Cola’s product. That is, until a decade later when she marries the CEO of Pepsi. Also, didn’t have a great relationship with a couple of her kids.

15. Rock Hudson can always tell a Halo girl by the shine of her hair.

However, while Rock might admire a woman’s shiny Halo hair, he tends to go for the Halo guys. Seriously, Rock, we all know you did this ad while you were in the Hollywood celluloid closet.

16. Florida Orange Juice: the premiere citrus for 1970s homophobes.

This terrifying woman pouring orange juice is Anita Bryant, former Miss Oklahoma, pop singer, and the spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission. However, she’s better known as an outspoken opponent of gay rights and her 1977, “Save Our Children” campaign. Today the gay community continues to regard her name synonymous with bigotry and homophobia.

17. Ed Sullivan takes his pictures with his Kodak Brownie 20.

I don’t know about you. But looking at this ad, I find the idea of having my picture taken by Ed Sullivan as a very disturbing ordeal. Seriously, he looks as if he’s up to no good.

18. For Donald Trump, Trump steaks are the world’s greatest steaks.

Of course, Donald Trump would think anything’s the best in the world if it has his name on it. Even his awful orange hamster hair. Still, for the love of God, please don’t vote for this guy for president. This man is a repulsive human being who feeds off the worst of humanity. Seriously, I really hate this guy.

19. On his boat with Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart prefers to smoke cigarillos.

Yes, Humphrey Bogart smoked a lot in his life and movies, onscreen and off. Little did he know that all his years of smoking would lead to his death from throat cancer at 57. And it wasn’t a pleasant way to go either.

20. Ronald Reagan always prefers to smoke Chesterfields.

Guess he’s sure to regret doing that ad when he’s the US President during the 1980s. I mean didn’t his wife start a drug awareness campaign called, “Just Say No”? And here he is telling people to say, “yes” to smoking.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoys a V drink from Japan.

Man, Arnie seems to have had a horrendous taste in fashion during the 1980s. Wherever he got that outfit, I really don’t want to know.

22. Merle Oberon uses Tru-Color Lipstick for her lips.

You might not know that Merle Oberon was said to suffer damage to her complexion in the 1940s from a combination of cosmetic poisoning and an allergic reaction to sulfa drugs. It’s alleged that she went through some partially successful dermabrasion procedures. Let’s just say if she endorsed any cosmetics, I’d advise you to stay away from them.

23. These Major League Baseball players always want the very best. So they smoke Cheserfields.

Wonder how many of these guys died of smoker related illnesses like lung cancer and heart disease. Also, I really don’t think cigarettes could help their game.

24. It’s said that Vincent Price’s Chinese Chicken is inscrutably delicious.

Not sure if Vincent Price was a good cook. However, since he’s best known for playing horror movie villains, ask yourself, would you ever eat anything made by Vincent Price? Think about it.

25. For a square deal to your lungs, smoke Teddy cigarettes.

This one came from Norway so it’s unlikely Teddy Roosevelt ever smoked these (but he did smoke in real life like most men at the time). But the Norwegians seem to have an affinity for the man as you see here. Then again, he was an incredible badass.

26. Tyrone Power opts for milder Chesterfields.

Tyrone Power might’ve smoked Chesterfields but he also died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 44. Genetics might’ve been involved (his dad died at 62 and in his arms). But his smoking might’ve had something to do with it.

27. Spock doesn’t always drink beer. But when he does, he drinks Heineken.

Uh, Heineken, Vulcan ears don’t work that way. Also, I don’t think Vulcans drink alcohol. Then again, booze might come in handy whenever he’s going through Pon Farr.

28. Bill Cosby always enjoys Jello pudding pops.

For all we know, those pops could be filled with booze and roofies and aimed toward women he wants to knock out and rape. Just say no, when he offers you one. Seriously, just say no.

29. Howdy Doody’s favorite treat is marshmallow “crispy squares.”

For one, those are “Rice Krispie Treats,” to call them anything else is plain heresy for me. Second, Howdy Doody was a popular character from a children’s show, not some cowboy doll known to kill people in their sleep. Though I can see why people might make that mistake.

3o. Bill Cosby calculates with a TI-59 Programmable.

I wonder if Texas Instruments regrets this endorsement during the 1980s. You can say that about any company that’s used Bill Cosby as a spokesman.

31. Merle Oberon uses Pan Cake make up to look younger and lovelier.

Once again, Merle Oberon isn’t the best authority on make up products. Remember how I said she had cosmetic poisoning that ruined her skin complexion.

32. Sonny and Cher read the book that everyone’s talking about: The Bible.

Don’t really see Cher as religious. But I heard that while Sonny publicly identified as Roman Catholic, he had an interest in Scientology and took Scientology courses. He was also said to be kind of a jerk to Cher if you ask me.

33. Vincent Price always prefers Creamettes whenever he makes pasta.

Whenever Vincent Price makes pasta, you wonder whether anyone drops dead from poison. Or ends up in his special room of horrors. Seriously, I wouldn’t eat anything made by Vincent Price no matter how good of a cook he is.

34. When it comes to killing roaches, Muhammad Ali goes with d-Con Roach Traps since they kill without poison.

Apparently, the notion that Muhammad Ali will beat ’em up and not kill them doesn’t apply to roaches. To him, roaches are as good as dead.

35. Doris Day endorses the International Deluxe Series 56 Roller Compactor.

Doris Day was an actress and here she is on a steamroller. Which begs the question: how in the hell she’d know about steamrollers? The only people I’ve seen using them are PennDOT workers for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

36. Phillies Cigars present the Mickey Mantle Baseball Special.

Is it just me or does Mickey Mantle seem like he’s hiding something sinister in that glove? It’s almost like he wants kids to get these cigars for the cards and that they perish by smoking themselves to death.

37. For rich flavor, Dick Nolan smokes Camels.

I’m sure smoking Camels is going to help Nolan with his play on the field. All it will do is harden his arteries and clog his lungs with tar. Also doesn’t help that he plays for the Detroit Lions.

38. For Christmas, Sean Connery always enjoys the gift of Jim Beam bourbon.

I thought Sean Connery more or less enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred. Then again, he’d probably go, “That’s not what your mother said” and act like his crass self on Celebrity Jeopardy.

39. Eddie Cantor likes to make whoopie and smoke Old Gold.

Uh, Eddie, I think you need to wash your face. Seriously, you really need to wash your face. Your blackface makeup is really causing riots among your black audiences. It’s virulently racist expression. For the love of God, Eddie, wash your freaking face! Jesus Christ!

40. Even Groucho Marx thinks that Frosted Flakes are g-r-r-reat.

For some reason, I don’t think Groucho is giving a ringing endorsement. Rather his face reads, “How in the hell did this creep get in here? Get me security.”

41. As Bob Hope said, drilling for oil is about as tough as sipping pop from a sponge.

Apparently, I’m not sure if the sipping through a sponge metaphor makes any sense to me. Could it be that getting oil out is relatively easy at first but as you get more out, it becomes harder to find? That might make some sense.

42. When it comes to underwear, J. R. Ewing prefers $3.oo hard cash and soft comfort in BVD.

While J. R. Ewing might prefer soft comfort in his underpants, he tends to pursue hard cash by making it harder for everyone else. He’s just that kind of Texas oilman asshole you love to hate.

43. Like Joan Blondell, Auto-Lite Spark Plugs have rhythm and perfect performance.

Not sure what Joan Blondell knows about spark plugs. But at least this makes better sense than endorsing a steamroller. I mean she probably drives a car. Still, spark plugs aren’t glamorous products.

44. When he’s in the ring, Jerry Lewis grabs the bull by the tail.

Uh, Jerry, you really don’t want to do that. For one, it’s considered an act of cowardice for matadors in the ring. Second, it pisses off the bull.

45. Orson Welles always enjoys drinking Paul Mason wine.

Yes, he enjoys wine that suits his large appetite. High caloric food and booze were his major weaknesses as he tried to slim down with crash diets, drugs, and corsets for his early film roles. But after 1960, he was permanently obese.

46. Boris Karloff is distressed that he can’t find his carload full of arsenic.

This was when Boris Karloff was playing Jonathan Brewster in the original Broadway production of Arsenic and Old Lace. This is for Northern Pacific Railway. Nevertheless, I think his arsenic would’ve been confiscated by security by this point. At least today.

47. Michael Jordan is really into his Ball Park franks.

I don’t know about you. But it seems like MJ is a little too suggestive while eating his hotdog. Makes me want to question whether which team he really bats for. Then again, he might really enjoy Ball Park franks.

48. Opera singer Patrice Munsel says that Camel cigarettes agree with your throat.

I guess this woman didn’t have a long career in opera due to her lungs being filled up with tar. Still, Camel cigarettes don’t agree with your throat. Nor does any tobacco products. And that’s not me talking. That’s science.

49. Who knew that Reggie Jackson drove a Volkswagen Rabbit?

And I guess Reggie Jackson is the guy on his team that everyone makes fun of for driving an ugly car. Then again, the 1970s weren’t a great time for car design. But still, neither Volkswagen or baseball have a great reputation these days.

50. O. J. Simpson gets his kicks with Dingo boots.

I don’t know what’s crazier about this ad. The fact that Dingo has O. J. Simpson as its spokesman even though the guy would later kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Or that O. J. has 3 legs.

51. Before Stevie Wonder would get in a car with a drunk driver, he’d drive himself.

I saw this poster at my school when I was a grade schooler during the 1990s. It made sense at the time mostly because when you’re that age, you tend to have no idea that Stevie Wonder has been blind from birth. Yes, riding with a drunk driver is a big mistake. So is getting in a car driven by a guy who’s blind like Stevie Wonder.

52. Smirnoff helps Woody Allen get out of his shell.

That seems like freaky photoshop here by the looks of it. Not sure if Smirnoff should’ve gone with a literal interpretation, especially if it makes Woody Allen a bit of a creep. Then again, he kind of is.

53. Even His Holiness Pope Leo XIII enjoys Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine was a popular 19th century drink that consisted of Bordeaux wine with cocaine. Pope Leo XIII was a big fan of the drink and had the Vatican award a gold medal for the guy who created it. Yes, you can’t make that stuff up.

54. Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds use Western Union to send a telegram to their mothers on Mother’s Day.

These two are the parents of Carrie Fisher who’d later play Princess Leia. However, they do seem like such a sweet couple. Too bad that Eddie Fisher would later dump the wholesome Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor. Surprisingly, Debbie and Liz seemed to remain good friends like George Harrison and Eric Clapton.

55. Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy would like you to drink some Coca Cola.

No, these guys didn’t consist of a mad toymaker and his killer gentlemen doll. Bergen was a ventriloquist and Charlie McCarthy was his dummy (though he does look quite creepy). Their show was very popular on the radio at the time. He’s also the father of Candice Bergen.

56. The Dionne quintuplets march on with Karo.

Yes, they may appear like little rays of sunshine. But beneath their faces lies a maliciousness that breaks out when you least expect. Avoid these killer cherubs if you can.

57. Groucho Marx enjoys Blatz beer.

Yes, I know Groucho Marx was a funny guy. But looking at this, he seems like he’s offering you a drink that probably contains poison. And he seems to hope that you’re too dumb to notice.

58. Edmund Lowe protects his voice with Lucky Strikes.

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He’s another opera singer, by the way. However, you what would do a better job protecting his voice than Luckies? Quitting them. Seriously, there are plenty of smokers who’ve lost their voices that some of them had to have special boxes put in.

59. Buster Keaton enjoys Smirnoff Vodka.

Not sure if you’d want to Buster Keaton to endorse your vodka, Smirnoff. Yes, he’s a silent legend, but he suffered from crippling alcoholism during the 1930s which nearly ruined his life. How bad was it? Well, at one point he married his nurse during an alcoholic binge.

60. Bing Crosby advises parents how to handle teenagers.

So his advice is with Fleers gum. Wasn’t expecting that. Rather, I thought he’d employ some measure of physical or emotional abuse on his kids, according to a few of his sons. Not sure if I’d trust his judgement.

61. The loveliest women in the world take Ayds like Hedy Lamarr.

Ayds were weight loss candies they had back in the day. Unfortunately, they fell out of popularity in the 1980s with the AIDS outbreak. Guess Hedy might’ve regretted this endorsement by that time.

62. Elvira just loves a man with a hairy chest.

I guess she’s a bit into men who tend to be walking carpets. Also, Coors Light had a Beer Wolf mascot? Wonder what happened to him.

63. It’s elementary to know why Basil Rathbone enjoys Chesterfield cigarettes.

I don’t know about you but does Basil Rathbone seem a bit creepy in this like he’s some serial killer in the dark. Must be the lighting if you ask me.

64. Peter Lawford wishes he went to more parties that serve Heublein’s Cocktails.

Of course, Peter Lawford was known to have several failed marriages and chronic alcoholism. Died of a heart attack at 61 along with complications associated with kidney and liver failure.

65. Dennis Hopper is practically helpless in his bath tub.

This is a Japanese shampoo ad from the 1980s. Not sure why Hopper’s like this and why the water in his tube is a bright blue.

66. Phil Silvers always enjoys Smirnoff around the holiday season.

I don’t know about you, but something doesn’t seem right about Phil Silvers in this. Either he’s violently insane or just drunk.

67. Vincent Price wants you to wrap yourself in Emba Mink.

Yes, I know that Vincent Price is known to play creeps in his movies. And he’s certainly creepy in this one. But he’s more like the dirty old man trying to grope this young blonde than anything you’d see from a horror movie.

68. When they say, “Bloody Mary,” Julie Newmar reaches for Smirnoff.

Not sure who Julie Newmar is nor do I care. But whipping out a bottle of vodka like a gun, really? That’s just crazy.

69. Dragnet’s Jack Webb says it’s wise to smoke Fatima cigarettes.

Jack Webb was a radio personality. No, I’m not sure if he’s ever been in horror movies. Nevertheless, he certainly has a face to play a some slasher film psychokiller. Yes, I can totally see him murdering teenagers and he wouldn’t have to wear a mask.

70. Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence always enjoy a Heublein cocktail.

For some reason Robert Goulet seems more focused on Carol Lawrence more than anything. Not sure if he’s staring at her boobs or her legs. Probably her legs. Yes, Robert Goulet is a perv.

Touchdown with These Super Bowl Sunday Party Treats (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 8, 2016

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Just when you thought the holiday gorging season is over. Another one just seems to take its place. This time it’s NFL playoff season which will soon cap it off with the Super Bowl, which will be the most watched TV event of the year (but I’ll be watching Downton Abbey and Galavant if the Steelers aren’t in it). This year the Steelers barely made it into the playoffs after winning against Cleveland and Buffalo winning against the Jets (thank you, Buffalo). So naturally, on Saturday, they’ll be going against the Cincinnati Bengals. Nevertheless, most of the food that’s eaten during football games isn’t the best thing for you. Let’s face it, if your New Year’s resolutions include losing weight or eating healthier, you might stay away from the standard football fare like burgers, hotdogs, fries, chips, nachos, wings, pizza, fried chicken, and what else have you. And when it comes to the Super Bowl, well, you can bet some football fans will probably have given up sticking to their diets. Now I am not the most avid football fan. Yet, since I live in Pittsburgh Steeler country, I am well aware that pro football is a really big deal that the Super Bowl is America’s biggest unofficial national holiday. So it’s not unusual that many people throw Super Bowl parties on Super Bowl Sunday with their own gridiron grub. So for your reading pleasure this playoff season, here are some more Super Bowl delights for your big game party.

New York Giants fans will surely get a kick out of these cupcakes.

I’m not sure if the Giants are in the playoffs this year. Then again, they’ve won 2 Super Bowls against the Patriots. So this sort of counts.

2. This football cookies will certainly look good on your Super Bowl dessert platter.

After all, football cookies seem easy to make and decorate. I’m sure you can find chocolate and white icing at your local grocery store.

3. You’ve heard of cheeseburgers. But have you’ve seen a cheeseburger cupcake?

Yes, this is a cheeseburger cupcake. Still, unlike some, you can have one with chocolate and vanilla.

4. It’s not a Super Bowl party without some pigskin potato skins.

I’ve done pigskin potato skins in my last Super Bowl treat post. but these are made in a very different way. Still has the same heart attack potential.

5. Last year’s top Super Bowl dessert was none other than the Deflate Cake.

Sorry, Patriots fans, but I couldn’t resist. This is just perfect. the deflated football almost looks real. I’m sure this wasn’t made in New England.

6. These Ritz cracker crunch footballs will surely delight the younger fans.

These look almost professionally made as you might see. Still, at least this picture lists the ingredients so I won’t have to make them out myself.

7. Of course, a Super Bowl treat post wouldn’t be complete without a snackadium to keep some food in one place.

This one has olives on the play in the guacamole field. Still, seems smaller than others but I’m sure some of the fare might not be good for you.

8. Nothing makes a great dessert on Super Bowl Sunday than these football cupcakes.

Uses cookie footballs and minty green icing. Still, they’re quite adorable. And they’re chocolate.

9. When it comes to dip, you can’t go wrong with a guac field.

At least this looks a bit healthier than the previous stuff I’ve put on my post so far. Like how they used peppers for field goals.

10. Super Bowl Sunday wouldn’t be the same without some chocolate peanut football treats.

These look quite cute. Not sure how you get the peanuts together. But it looks doable. Also uses chocolate icing.

11. Bring the big game spirit onto your dessert platter than some football pretzel sticks.

Seems like all you have to do with these are dip them in chocolate, wait for them to dry, and put football etchings on them. Can’t be that difficult.

12. If you prefer fun size, these pretzel bites will make your game.

Like the sticks, it just seems you dip them in chocolate before painting stripes on them. Not shaped like footballs. But as long as they’re tasty, who cares.

13. Your Super Bowl appetizer isn’t complete without a football bread bowl of dip.

On second thought, couldn’t just be football bread instead? That would’ve been great just as well and there would be no need to scoop out the bread.

14. This football appetizer platter will give you all the cheese and crackers of your heart’s desires.

Well, the football is made from pepperoni and cheese with everything else surrounding it. Not the most healthy option for you. But it doesn’t look half bad.

15. Fans in Seattle will certainly delight munching on a sugar cookie jersey of their favorite Seahawk.

Not sure if I know any of these guys besides Marshawn Lynch and the one with the braids (whose name I forget). Still, the fans will love them.

16. Mason jar football brownie treats would make a fine addition to any Super Bowl party.

Not sure how big these jars are. But these certainly look tasty. Love the brownie footballs at the top.

17. This pigskin cheese dip is all covered in bacon.

Now this is bound to give someone coronaries. Because bacon isn’t known to be good for you. Still, like the cheese stripes.

18. This Super Bowl, grace your dessert platter with these football bars.

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Not sure what these are. Cheese cake bars? Seems to look like it. Oh, wait, they’re fruit bars. Well, as long as they resemble footballs, that’s fine with me.

19. These football pretzels are sure to make a tasty Super Bowl snack.

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Actually they’re football pretzel sandwich snacks. They’re used with Rolo chocolate. Not sure if this was made by the company. But it still goes on the post.

20. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party worthwhile than some Buffalo chicken sandwich patties.

Basically it’s ground up buffalo chicken shaped into footballs. And they’re decorated by string cheese for a more realistic effect.

21. Nothing is sure to excite the people of Green Bay, Wisconsin than a Green Bay Packers gingerbread house.

Yes, somebody actually did this. Still, I think it would’ve been more appropriate if it was a cheese or lunch meat house. Because it’s the Packers.

22. Steeler fans are sure to adore this cake as a dessert centerpiece.

Of course, I had to include at least one Steeler treat on this post. Not sure about the football. Looks a bit deflated and more appropriate for a New England Patriots cake.

23. You can’t have a Super Bowl party without including some cookie dough footballs.

They’re basically footballs with cookie dough inside a shell of chocolate. I’m sure it’s perfectly safe. I mean they put cookie dough in ice cream for God’s sake.

24. On the field, it’s the Hershey’s Kisses vs. the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

To be fair, both candies are made by the same company, Hershey’s. Still, this cake is amazing. I also love how they made the striped Hershey Kisses refs.

25. For those who fondly remember Deflategate, feast your eyes on this chocolate “Bradie” ball.

This was made by a guy in Pennsylvania and it wasn’t for sale. Nevertheless, it weighs 13 lbs. Sorry, scratch that. It actually weighs 11.2 lbs since someone named Tom Brady let the air out.

26. Though it’s winter, these Giants ice cream sandwiches make a great frozen treat in New York.

Yes, these are New York Giants ice cream sandwiches. And since they’re a football team, each one has stripes and team colors in sprinkles.

27. With the Denver Broncos in the playoffs, there’s no better time to show you a Denver Brocnos dessert pizza.

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Most of this is made from popcorn and chocolate as well as sprinkles and other candies. Actually found it on Pinterest in September.

28. You can’t have a Super Bowl snackadium without some pop cans at the edges.

Actually I see some bear cans in the mix as well. Nevertheless, I think the most healthy things in here are the popcorn and the dips.

29. Why just have hotdogs on your grill when you can also have them on your dessert platter, too?

Yes, those are candy hotdogs. And yes, the circus peanut buns and gum drop relish make them look disgusting. Still, it’s unique so they’ll do.

30. People of Chicago would certainly adore this Chicago Bears chocolate cake.

Well, the Chicago Bears were National Conference champs and played in the Super Bowl in 2006. But the Indianapolis Colts beat them. Also, haven’t won a Super Bowl since the 1980s.

31. You never have a complete Super Bowl dessert platter until you have football gobs.

Seems like these gobs are rather easy to make as long as they’re shaped like footballs. Then after that is the icing of the stripes.

32. People from Seattle can always go crazy over a double decker Seahawk cake.

Now that’s a cake you could see from a mile away or in the dark. A green icing that bright could do that to a cake.

33. You can’t have a hit Super Bowl party without some cinnamon roll football cookies.

Yes, these are made from cinnamon roles. But they’re flatter as you see. Not sure if you can eat them for breakfast.

34. If you love the Pittsburgh Steelers, then you’ll love these Steeler sugar cookies.

Seems like this one has footballs, Steeler helmets, stadium views, Terrible Towels, logo, and jerseys of Big Ben, Heinz Ward, and Polamalu. Now Ward and Polamalu are out.

35. Nothing makes a better Super Bowl dessert than some football peanut butter Rice Krispie treats.

Yes, they’re just footballs with peanut butter. No, real footballs don’t look like that. Still, seem tasty.

36. For healthier dessert options, may I suggest you go with some chocolate football apple slices?

It’s possible that they’re probably covered in chocolate so they resemble footballs. Still, healthier than some of the other options on here, I’ll say.

37. These Oreo cookie footballs will surely make tasty Super Bowl treats during the big game.

I guess the Oreo cookies are crumpled up in footballs and covered by chocolate icing. May not look like much but I bet they taste great.

38. Seems like one of these little wieners just made a pass.

These are mini hotdogs with olive helmets and mustard features. And it seems they’re in the heat of a critical moment at this time.

39. This football cake is sure to make a wonderful centerpiece for your Super Bowl party.

And it’s surrounded by graham crackers to dip in. Either consisting of field goal icings and ones all covered in sprinkles.

40. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party better than a peanut butter football cake.

And all you have to do once it’s out of the oven are putting in some icing marks. Still, has some cracks but I’d certainly eat it.

41. No Super Bowl party platter is complete without a football pizza.

Yes, I did a football pizza before last year. And yes, it did have pepperoni and cheese. But this one is round.

42. You’re familiar with hotdogs at football games. But have you ever seen a football hotdog?

Well, this is more of a cheese and chili football hotdog. Nevertheless, it does have the football spirit and nachos on the side.

43. Seems like this large snackadium offers more healthier options.

Well, this contains fruit, cheese, and guacamole dip. Also, from what I can tell, this snackadium seems to be made for a Pittsburgh area venue. Well, at least according to the table cloth and the dip.

44. Celebrate the Super Bowl with with some football mozzarella sticks.

Yes, these are football mozzarella sticks. Yes, I know they don’t look like sticks. But they resemble footballs and shouldn’t that be enough?

45. This cookie tray is bound to have a jersey of your favorite Pittsburgh Steeler.

Well, Big Ben and Harrison are still around. Holmes got traded. Polamalu, Keisel, and Ward have retired. Not sure about the others.

46. For Seahawks fans, these blue and green Rice Krispie treats can’t be beat.

Well, they’re in the team colors whether through sprinkles, icing, or food coloring. Still, not sure how they’d taste.

47. You can’t complete a Super Bowl dessert platter without some cookie ice cream sandwiches.

Yet, out of these footballs, only half of these are covered in chocolate. Nevertheless, they sure look tasty if you ask me.

48. This football contains 3 different dips.

Seems like they consist of guacamole, salsa, and dressing. How they remain separated in this dish, I have no idea.

49. I give you, the quintessential meat snackadium.

The stands are made out of hamburgers and the edges and field goals are made out of hotdogs. Nevertheless, it’s certainly bound to induce some heart attacks.

50. These chocolate football brownies are sure to be any chocolate lover’s Super Bowl delight.

Now these are chocolate football brownies with chocolate icing. Must be so chocolatey rich as I say.

51. For Giants fans, you can’t have a better Super Bowl cake than one of MetLife Stadium.

I guess this was made by a professional. Still, love how the crowd is represented by sprinkles. So creative.

52. This Super Bowl, take a bite out of these super football sandwiches.

Seems like these buns are whole wheat and have the markings made from cheese. Still, I’m sure they’d be great for any Super Bowl party.

53. Nothing makes a great Super Bowl snack like some football nuts.

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Seems like these were from the year when it was the San Francisco 49ers against the Baltimore Ravens. Ravens won and it resulted in as many Super Bowl wins for Ray Lewis as murder allegations.

54. This large snackadium is sure a real hoagie breadbasket.

Seems like this one appears to be made by someone with too much time on their hands or in the restaurant business. Wonder what happened to the food left over.

55. When it comes to parking, this snackadium has a whole lot to follow.

Seems like this one is all packed with snacks and brownies. Still, I love how this person used chocolate bars for cars and chocolate chips for wheels.

56. For a veggie dish, may I suggest some football taco salad?

Then again, this may be a dip for all I know. Then again, it’s probably healthier than some of the other dishes on this post. And it’s the most colorful football arrangement I’ve seen so far.

57. This snackadium seems partially constructed from Rice Krispies.

This seems to be an interesting arrangement. Probably built by someone with too much time on their hands. Likethe donuts on the burgers.

58. This Super Bowl dessert platter will sure be a hit at your party during the big game.

This seems to have a fruit pizza field and other delights. Nevertheless, seems to be made by a Green Bay Packers fan by the looks of it.

59. No Super Bowl party would be complete without these big game cupcakes.

These consist of a football and a filled stadium. And the best part about these is that they’re chocolate.

60. New Enlganders would delight with these Patriots cookies.

These consist of a couple helmets, logos, and footballs. Also has a a Brady jersey. One for each side. What an asshole.

61. In memory of Deflategate, here are some great football cookies in case the Patriots make the Super Bowl.

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They’re said to be made by a coffee company in Boston. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Still, wonder how many orders they got outside New England.

62. Another cookie option would be of Tom Brady’s court portrait.

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For some reason, this guy reminds me more of FBI Agent Nelson Van Alden from Boardwalk Empire. Seriously, he totally looks as if he could drown his partner in a lake in an attempt to baptize him. Made from an Indianapolis bakery.

63. Like peanut butter and chocolate chips? Then you’ll love these football cookies.

Well, these footballs seem spotty if you ask me. But nevertheless, they sure look tasty regardless.

64. This Superbowl, take a bite out of these Reese’s fudge footballs.

Seem to resemble the Ritz cracker crunch ones I showed earlier. But they’re probably softer. Still, these look so delicious.

65. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party complete than these little football toast pizzas.

They seem rather small and made with mustard stripes. Still, whoever made these was quite creative if you ask me.

66. Celebrate this Super Bowl with some jello shots representing your team.

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Now jello shots contain alcohol and shouldn’t be taken by anyone under 21, pregnant, AA members, or designated drivers. Nevertheless, these seem to be for the San Francisco 49ers. Of course, you probably remembered what happened to them when they went against Baltimore.

67. For those rooting for Green Bay, this cake is for you.

Seems most appropriate since the Packers are associated with cheese, namely cheese heads. Still, not sure if I’m fine with them beating the Steelers at the Super Bowl. Then again, it could be worse.

68. This cake is sure to show some plays on the field.

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This looks quite clever to say the least. Seems so simple to make if you know how to do an icing playbook.

69. To make your Super Bowl party a hit, use some football pizza dip.

To some it resembles a pizza. To others, it looks like a pie with pepperoni on top. But to me, it’s clever and seems rather appetizing.

70. When it comes to Super Bowl parties, you can’t go wrong with a football stuffed pizza.

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Yes, I might’ve shown a football calzone before. But this one is made from bread and it looks so toasty. Also love the cheese decor on this.

The Nobility and Aristocracy of Downton Abbey

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 5, 2016

Downtown Abbey: The estate of the Earls of Grantham and their family through generations. But has seen hard times since the Earl only has daughters and his closest two heirs had gone down with the RMS Titanic. Luckily the new heir is a handsome young lawyer who has a shine to his oldest daughter.

Though Americans may adore Downton Abbey, there are plenty of viewers on my side of the Atlantic Ocean may be somewhat confused about the British Title System within its centuries old aristocracy which traces its origins to the Middle Ages and the feudal system. Yes, there are kings and queens as well as princes and princesses. However, there are other kinds of nobles as well and there’s even a hierarchy of peerage. As Americans might see them, these are incredibly rich nobles who live in some castle or big fancy house. Nevertheless, getting titles and styles correct for someone who’s not “to the manner born,” which of course, is the point. In fact, the complexities of the honor system served to weed out posers, fraudsters, and plain old liars. Of course, as you see on Downton Abbey, you tend to see broke aristocrats as well as rich and successful commoners. And some of these incredibly rich commoners can get titles, too. But they’re usually knighted, but they can receive higher honors, especially if they do something of incredible significance. So the title system can get very complicated to say the least in the United Kingdom. However, I’ll try my best to explain the kinds of nobles you see on Downton Abbey as simply as I could. It may not be as exact because there’s so much to discuss. But it’ll just be the basics. But before we go on, I’ll give you a heads up on some of the types first:

Royalty: A class and law unto themselves. Even now there are those who consider everyone not born into it (like dukes, duchesses, the Queen Mother, and Princess Kate) little better than commoners.

Nobility: Peers of the realm, each of whom passes on his title –or as often, package of titles-to his oldest son (if he has one). Originally the whole business had to do with ownership of land, discharge of feudal obligations, and the wielding of actual power rather than with mere wealth and privilege. However, in the last few centuries, though, it’s only that such hereditary peers (who come in 5 strengths), together with few “life” peers (who come in only one and whose titles ae not bequeathable) and Church of England bigwigs, sit together in the House of Lords and continue, with their wives and children, to provide England with her lords and ladies-and her much-debated class system. Note: Most of the female counterparts here are more often the wives. However, if the woman is the oldest daughter in the family with no male heirs, she becomes a titled noble in her own right (so Lady Mary could’ve become Countess of Grantham, if it weren’t for Matthew being in the picture). Wives of male peers can share their husband’s social rank like the Countess of Grantham but husbands of female peers do not (mostly because they didn’t want their husbands to be mistaken for being their wives’ subordinates instead of their lords and masters. Clearly, no red-blooded man in those days would tolerate that. However, this wasn’t the case prior to the Tudor era since husbands of female peers could assume titles through marriage and exercise their wives’ authority. Because in the Middle Ages, marrying a peeress was a ticket to living in a castle and becoming lord of the manor so they absolutely didn’t give as shit). However, until 1963, women who held a peerage in their own right couldn’t sit on the House of Lords. By the way the hierarchy of peerage from highest to lowest consists of duke, marquess, earl, viscount, and baron.

Lesser Nobility: Depending on your point of view, titled commoners. Come in 2 sizes: baronet and knight. Don’t look for either in the House of Lords. One title is hereditary, the other is not.

The Gentry: They can be of birth as high and breeding and fine as the nobility. In fact, many of them are the descendants of that nobility’s younger sons and daughters (like Matthew Crawley who had a direct ancestor as the Earl of Grantham along somewhere). But as intimidating as their manners and as awesome as their fortunes may be, what they lack is in titles. As the people of Burke’s Peerage point out, the English gentry are the only untitled aristocracy in the world.

So now that’s cleared up, I give you a list of the British upper crust to help you sort some questions out when you’re watching Downton Abbey.

King

Female Counterpart: Queen. A reigning king’s wife is referred to as Queen Consort (or Princess Consort as Camilla will be when Prince Charles becomes king). A reigning queen’s husband is referred to as Prince Consort (as with Prince Philip though it’s not official with him and he’s technically the royal Duke of Edenborough. However, it was with Prince Albert, but not until he was married to Victoria for 17 years and he was only called that by the British Elite because of their barely concealed xenophobia and that he had no other British title, so as a backhanded compliment in the sense of, “okay, you’re a prince who happens to be married to a queen so we’ll call you that.”).

Type: Royalty

Description: The reigning sovereign monarch. Mostly inaccessible, but easy to distinguish. Usually inherited by the oldest surviving child of the predecessor (normally the oldest son but there’s a way of succession if one shouldn’t be available. Then it would go to that heir’s children {if they exist} and then to monarch’s other children and their kids. Queen Victoria ascension is an example to this since she became queen after her uncle King William IV died {who was the 3^rd son of King George III and succeeded his brother King George IV}. Her father was the 4^th son of King George III. And 3 of his sons were still alive at the time. However, before Victoria was born, King George III had only one legitimate heir named Princess Charlotte, daughter of the future King George IV and Caroline of Brunswick {who hated each other so her conception was a miracle}. At 21, Charlotte died after giving birth to a stillborn son which set off tremendous morning among the British as well as kicked off a major succession crisis. This led to King George III’s younger unmarried sons to ditch their mistresses, marry, and procreate. Edward, Duke of Kent would be the first one to do so successfully 18 months later with Victoria’s birth).

Way of Address: Upon meeting the monarch, bow or curtsy-depending on your gender- and say “your majesty.” Say “sir” or “ma’am” thereafter.

On Downton Abbey this is: Why King George V and his wife Queen Consort Mary of Teck. However, Prince Edward of Wales and Prince Albert Duke of York would both become Kings Edward VIII and George VI respectively. King George was seen as a stolid, conservative, and reliable monarch. Queen Mary was an icy cold bitch who compulsively stole jewelry. Both carried an image of dignity and were highly popular.

Prince

Prince of Wales: The heir apparent to the English throne who everyone’s dreading the day he becomes king. Likes to party and have affairs with married women. Seems polite and courteous who is willing to dance with a debutante whose family helped recover some incriminating love letters. However, they basically helped covering up an affair that almost everyone in Britain knows about as well as the fact he’s a royal pain in the ass. Destined to give up the throne in favor of his stammering little brother within the next decade.

Female Counterpart: Princess, either as consort or in her own right.

Type: Royalty

Description: This one is a bit complicated. They’re usually the offspring of the reigning monarch or their predecessors. They could also be the grandchildren of the sovereign through a sovereign’s or their predecessor’s sons. This might also apply to the grandchildren of the heir presumptive as well in the case of Prince George and Princess Charlotte. Also, a reigning queen’s husband is technically a prince, too like Prince Albert or Prince Philip (though the latter doesn’t seem to mind as much as the former did). On the continent of Europe, the title of prince doesn’t necessarily pertain to royalty. In France, princes usually rank below dukes. Russian princes are usually not direct members of the royal family either. Czarist children were known as Grand Dukes or Grand Duchesses.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, bow or curtsy and say “your royal highness.” Refer to them as “sir” or ma’am” thereafter.

On Downton Abbey this is: Prince Edward of Wales and Prince Albert, Duke of York. Still, while Prince Edward is seen as rather courteous and polite on the show, keep in mind that in real life he was an insufferable, selfish, and absolute jerk who liked to party and chase skirts. His tryst with Freda Dudley Ward was public knowledge as well as his relationship with Wallis Simpson later on. Even his family thought he was a royal pain in the ass that his old man hoped he’d never have kids so Bertie and the future Elizabeth II could take the throne after him. The public couldn’t care less for him either as if “that guy is going to succeed King George.” Oh, and he thought Hitler was awesome. Let’s just say abdicating the throne in favor of his little brother with a speech impediment was the best thing he ever did for his country.

Duke

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Duke: An aristocrat of the highest peerage grade who comes to Downton looking for a rich heiress to marry. Knowing the estate an entail of significant assets, he’s willing to flirt with the oldest daughter. But renounces her after her daddy told her he has no intention to contest the entail. Also serves to show that the designated bad boy of the staff bats for the other team (but views him as a disposable play-thing).

Female Counterpart: Duchess, either as a consort or in her own right.

Type: Nobility

Description: Highest degree of British peerage. First English dukedom was created in 1337, and are usually a rare and much deferred to breed so they have a couple dozen in number. While the monarch’s sons can be referred to as dukes, but they’re “royal dukes” and relatives to the sovereign, but it’s more of a title such as the Duke of York. Also serves as a reward for military such as the Duke of Marlborough (an ancestor of Winston Churchill) or Wellington (for defeating Napoleon). In Europe, dukes controlled vast areas like Bavaria and Normandy and pretty much called their own shots. Hell, in countries like France (and sometimes Russia), they could’ve even outranked princes. In some areas, they even ruled domains to their own like monarchs called duchies (such as in Luxembourg today). By the way, in England, royal dukedoms become non-royal after the second generation.

Way of Address: Upon meeting, say “your grace.” Same goes for his wife.

On Downton Abbey this is: There’s a few such as the Duke of Crowborough and the Duchess of Yeovil.

Marquess

Marquess: An aristocrat of the second highest British peerage grade, who is a cousin by marriage to the Earl of Grantham who serves as a reliable government contact whenever they’re in need of someone to pull strings. Hosted a great event at his Scottish Duneagle castle in which he announces that he’s broke, is planning to sell up, and is taking a job. Leaves his bratty teenage daughter for the Earl and his family to babysit in the meantime. Wife is a real bitch to everyone and he’s planning to divorce her by Season 5.

Female Counterpart: Marchioness, either as consort or in her own right.

Type: Nobility

Description: Second highest British peerage, which is the least familiar to Americans (though we’re familiar with the French “marquis” but that’s because of Puss and Boots). Also, it’s pronounced “MAR-kwiss” and “MAR-shuness” and it comes from the old word “march” meaning border territory. Of course, it helps to explain that the first marquesses who were lords granted lands along the borders of Scotland and Wales. And they were considered important because they were guarding the realm from dangerous foreigners. It wasn’t well received at first since the first two honorees complained but eventually, with Tudor persistence, it gained acceptance. Was used as a reward to viceroys of India upon their return home, and in 1917, a compensation for George V’s relatives when he made them give up their obviously inappropriate German titles. There are almost as few marquesses around as dukes.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, say “my lord.” Address his wife as, “madam.”

On Downton Abbey this is: The Marquess and Marchioness of Flintshire (also known as the MacClares).

Earl

Earl: An aristocrat of the Middle British Peerage grade who’s the lord and master of Downton Abbey. Is a likeable man as well as a wonderful boss, husband, father, and benefactor but has his moments of noble douchery whenever those close to him reject the good old ways he always he takes pride in. That and whenever they try to challenge his power to save the estate. Is a complete idiot when it comes to economics and financial management. Don’t be rude to diss the aristocracy or try to get in his wife’s pants. Also, don’t mess with his mom who’s a real force to be reckoned with.

Female Counterpart: Countess, either as consort or in her own right.

Type: Nobility

Description: Third rung of the peerage system. As the marquess title is the English equivalent of a marquis, the earl is the English equivalent to a count. This is a very old and uniquely English title that has been around since Saxon times when it was the English equivalent to a European duke. Tough William the Conqueror tried to replace it with “count” the English people wouldn’t buy it mostly because to them at the time, the word had the aural similarity to a certain word for an undignified part of the body. Besides, it was the only hereditary title around at the time and it very damn well should have a native flavor (though lack of female equivalent led to women having to accept the title “countess.”)Comes from the Old English word “eorl” meaning “man of position.” Today there are 200 earldoms. Can be a reward for particularly effective prime ministers when they retire like Disraeli, the Earl of Beaconsfield, and Anthony Eden, Earl of Avon.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, say “my lord.” Address his wife as, “madam.”

On Downton Abbey this is: Why, the Earl of Grantham of course. You also have the Countess and Dowager Countess of Grantham as well. The Lord Chamberlain of the Household (his name was

Rowland Thomas Baring 2^nd Earl of Cromer. He was also a diplomat. Served as a subaltern of the Grenadier Guards in WWI).

Viscount

Viscount: An aristocrat of the second lowest grade of the British Peerage, who dumps his fiancee when a girl he’s had a crush on when he was young suddenly becomes available. Yet, after they spend a sex-filled weekend together, he becomes a real entitled jerk when she decides to dump his ass. Valet is a known serial rapist who gets his ultimate comeuppance. But not without causing a major inconvenience on some of Downton’s staff.

Female Counterpart: Viscountess, either as consort or in her own right.

Type: Nobility

Description: Second lowest on the British title system. Pronounced “VYE-count” and “VYE-countess.” Originally designated as the guy who stood in for the count or in England, the earl (think of the “vis-“ in “viscount” being like “vice” in “vice president” and you’ll see what I mean.” The most recent of the 5 grades of peerage which was in 1440. An accepted way to say thank you to a good speaker to the House of Commons.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, say “my lord.” Address his wife as, “madam.”

On Downton Abbey this is: Viscount Gillingham. You know, the guy who Mary had sex with in Season 5 before she dumped him and he became a real dick to her. Also, had a valet whose a serial rapist and brutally raped Anna during that recital by Dame Nellie Melba.

Baron

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Baron: An aristocrat at the lowest grade of peerage, who romances a middle class widow after her son tragically died in a tragic accident with his sports car. A sweet, genial man with an interest in medicine, he’s a perfect gentlemen. Unfortunately for him, his two sons are absolute pricks.

Female Counterpart: Baroness, either as consort or in her own right.

Type: Nobility

Description: Lowest rank on the peerage totem pole. Originally took in Englishmen whose ancestors had fought during the Middle Ages in Wales, Scotland, or France, and more recently a number of industrialists and trade union leaders (who are generally given this title only for life). As demonstration for their lack of precedence, barons are never referred to by their title, merely as Lord So-and-So. His wife is always Lady So-and-So, never the baroness. Sometimes a given name sneaks in as with Alfred, Lord Tennyson. In the Middle Ages, they were the King’s tenants in chief and giving the owner, whether by inheritance or by acquisition, a bundle of land, minerals, and other rights including those of public justice and privilege. In the 13^th century, some were among the first Parliamentarians. Then there are life barons, given by writ that might you a seat in the House of Lords but can’t be inherited. Before recent times, a lot of these life peerages were granted to women, such as the ennobled mistresses of King Charles II.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, say “my lord.” Address his wife as, “madam.”

On Downton Abbey this is: There’s a bunch like Baron Hepworth, Baron and Baroness Sinderby, Baron Merton, and Baron Aysgarth.

Baronet

Baronet: A lesser nobleman who’s friends with the earl and strikes a romance with his middle daughter who’s 30 years younger. After his war injury, it becomes abundantly clear that he’d rather dump the poor girl at the altar than rob the cradle.

Female Counterpart: Baronetess, either as a consort or in her own right (though there have only been 4 of them and they’re usually addressed as “Dame”).

Type: Lesser nobility

Description: Title means, “little baron.” It’s said that in 1611, King James I, needing capital, instigated, “a new designate between barons and knights,” open to anyone whose paternal grandfather bore arms, who possessed an annual income of at least £1,000, and who was willing to make a £1,095 down payment. While these guys were not, under any circumstances, to see themselves as noble, they were encouraged to adopt the style of Sir Joe Schmo, Bt., and they could pass on to their oldest son.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, say “Sir” and his first name. Address his wife as “Lady” and her last name.

On Downton Abbey this is: Sir Anthony Strallan, one of Lord Robert’s friends as well as the guy who left Edith at the altar. Another is Sir John Bullock who’s a drunken upper class twit.

Knight

Knight: A lesser noble who an Earl’s daughter hooks up with whenever her one true love is unavailable and doesn’t want the public know about how she lost her virginity. A ruthless newspaperman with a vicious streak a mile wide and a network of informants to give him scoops. Is willing to use blackmail when he notices that the earl’s daughter clearly interested in her one true love. Gets a wonderful thrashing at the end of Season 2.

Female Counterpart: Dame, but only in their own right. A knight’s consort is always addressed as, “Lady.” A dame’s consort gets no special distinction whatsoever. Same goes for male spouses of knights (like husbands of Sir Elton John, Sir Ian McKellen, and Sir Derek Jacobi).

Type: Lesser, nobility

Description: In the Middle Ages, the knight was the most significant figure in the feudal system, a mounted horseman who fought for his liege and lord (but more often for himself) and defended the honor of his lady (well, a noble lady who he’s supposed to be with, anyway). For some time, it’s been the most frequently conferred “dignity” in England by far for a male recipient. Guaranteed for one lifetime and one lifetime only.

Way of Address: Upon meeting one, say “Sir.” Address his wife as “Lady.” As for dames, just address her as, “Dame” and her first name.

On Downton Abbey this is: Sir Richard Carlisle and Sir Philip Tapsell. Neither of them are nice guys. For the dames, we have Dame Nellie Melba (Helen “Nellie” Porter Mitchell) who was the first successfully Australian to achieve international recognition as a classical musician. Off-screen, there’s Dame Maggie Smith who portrays the Dowager Countess.

Esquire

Esquire: The designation you give to a Manchester lawyer who’s just become Downton Abbey’s new heir as well as the destined love interest for the Earl of Grantham’s oldest daughter, thanks to a couple of guys dying on the Titanic. Despite ups and downs as well as belligerent sexual tension, they eventually manage to get married and produce a kid. And in the meantime, he also helps save Downton with his professional savvy in finance law and his inheritance from his ex-fiancee’s dad. Can recover from paralysis in record time. Fated to be crushed by his own fancy sports car after seeing the birth of his son at the end of Season 3.

Female Counterpart: Not sure if there is one, since this is usually reserved for regular guys in line to nobility on the show.

Type: Gentry

Description: In the Middle Ages, the esquire (or squire) attended the knight and carried his gear. Once the Middle Ages were over, it was later used to apply to, “the sons of peers, the sons of baronets, the sons of knights, the eldest sons of the younger sons of peers, the eldest son of the eldest son of a knight, his sons in perpetuity, the king of arms, the herald of a knight, officers of the Army or Navy of the rank of captain and upward, sheriffs of counties for life, J.P’s of counties whilst in commission, serjeant-at-arms, Queen’s counsel…” well, you get the picture. It’s basically a catchall with connotations of both rank and real estate, and a way of appeasing any number of people who would otherwise risk seeming, in the eyes of the world, no better than their neighbors. It didn’t really work out. Because when the Victorians reserved “esquire” for the landed gentry and withheld it from commercial and industrial types, the word had lost-through careless usage-almost all of its distinction. Today the entire male population of Britain and Ireland can regularly be addressed as “Esq.” (after their name taking the place of “Mr.” before it, of course) by mail-order houses and book clubs. As for squires who were the big country landowners who exercised authority and financial leverage over their districts and villages, spoke in provincial dialect, and rode hounds, they were extinguished by the 19^th century by the increasing taxes and creeping urbanism of the industrial revolution. Besides, it wasn’t much of an honor or even a slot in the hierarchy as a way of life, anyway. Good luck finding those guys at Downton Abbey.

Way of Address: There’s no official way to address them.

On Downton Abbey this is: Matthew Crawley and Charles Blake. George Crawley counts as well since his dad was smashed by his sports car during a collision.

Gentleman

Female Counterpart: Uh, gentlewoman?

Type: Gentry

Description: Historically, being of “gentle” birth, entitled to bear arms, owning at least 300 acres of land, but lacking the larger distinction of being an esquire, let alone a knight or better. For more than a century now the word has almost no agreed-upon meaning at all. However, in Jane Austen’s day, it was still something to keep in mind. For instance, Mr. Collins would qualify as a gentlemen and an appropriate suitor for Elizabeth Bennett despite being a fool, a clergyman, and her cousin. Not only that, but her best friend Charlotte Lucas who’s a knight’s daughter no less, was happy to land him. Then again, she was 27 and probably looking for a guy to settle down with. Seriously, I’m sure Mr. Collins wasn’t her first choice.

Way of Address: There’s no official way to address them.

On Downton Abbey this is: Matthew Crawley and Charles Blake might qualify at another time. But you’ll have a better time finding one in Austen.

Yeoman

Female Counterpart: Uh, yeowoman?

Type: Rural Middle Class

Description: These are small, independent farmers who like squires, would be forced out of existence by the pressurized ways of 19^th century life. Yet, until their demise, they had a reputation for being sturdy, hardworking, sometimes even educated, and possessed the kind of integrity that England is always tapping on your shoulder to tell you it has. Respectable, landowning, and can even vote. However, in the world of Austen, these guys aren’t as marriageable to women of good means.

Way of Address: No official way to address them.

On Downton Abbey this is: These guys were gone before the show even started. Most of the farmers you see on there are tenants on some aristocrat’s land.

Noble Daughter: While lovely in her own way due to a lifetime of privilege and fancy clothes, is basically as an inheritor to her daddy’s estate due to being born without a penile appendage. Oldest is usually used to set up with male heirs who are most likely her cousins. Fortunately, there’s an attractive attorney from Manchester set to inherit the estate. And he’s taken a shine to Lady Mary. Nevertheless, each girl tends to stir up trouble and cause scandal in their own way whether through wearing dungarees and running off with a politically radical chauffeur, losing her virginity to a Turkish envoy who suddenly died in her bed, or falling pregnant out of wedlock to a married newspaperman who ends up killed by Nazis.

As for the nobleman’s kids: In general, only the oldest son comes out on top, but not until the old man croaks. In the meantime, when Daddy is still the duke, marquess, or earl, the son is awarded a “courtesy title.” For instance, had Matthew Crawley managed to outlive his father-in-law and distant cousin, the Earl of Grantham, then his son George would’ve been addressed as “Viscount Downton” until the major title came free. But since Matthew got smashed in a collision with a truck, then George just be regular “Mr. George Crawley” until his granddaddy joins the choir invisible. As for eldest sons of barons and viscounts: well, they’ll just have to wait. They, and everyone else in the second generation, make do-most of them for life-with what’s called a courtesy style. If you’re lucky (supposing daddy is a duke or marquess), you’re “Lord” or “Lady” like Lady Rose MacClare or Lord Joe So-and-So. Also, if you’re a daughter of an earl, you get “Lady” put before your name, too like Lady Mary Crawley. If you’re not so lucky, you get a simple, “The Hon.” (read: “The Honourable”) to put before your name. Think Lord Merton’s asshole kids like the The Hon. Larry Grey as well as The Hon. Madeleine Allsop. If the Earl of Grantham had boys, then his sons would be referred to as “the Honourable,” too, save for the eldest who’d naturally be “Viscount of Downton” and be referred to as “Lord” (so it probably was better that Lord Grantham only had girls). As for the grandchildren, unless they belong to the oldest son, they’re on their own. A key example would be Winston Churchill who despite being of noble birth and the oldest son, had to make it on his own because his dad Lord Randolph Churchill was the 3^rd son of the 7^th Duke of Marlborough. As for any illegitimate noble spawn, well, little T. E. Lawrence is certainly not going to inherit his daddy Sir John Chapman’s baronetcy since he’s was the second oldest son of the guy and his daughters’ governess. Oh, and the guy was married to another woman at the time.

Working Out on Fitness Equipment

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 4, 2016

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After the holidays, it’s not unusual for many people to regret their yuletide season bingefest and have health and weight loss goals among their New Year’s resolutions. Of course, this means having to change your diet like eating healthier foods and exercise like getting more of it and hitting the gym. Retailers have taken notice of this and it’s no surprise that the January catalogs are filled with all kinds of health and fitness stuff in order to help you shed the holiday pounds. They also expect that most people who resolve to lose weight or improve health won’t be sticking to it by February. And by then all that health and fitness stuff will be listed at large discount prices. But you can bet that it will be all advertised again in the spring once Easter is over and bikini season is around the corner. Then again, at that point most people prefer to exercise outdoors, anyway. As for me, I prefer to go for a walk around the nearby roads of my house except when it’s unbearably cold or rainy. Now fitness equipment has existed in gyms and homes for a long time. What you see in this picture consists of the kind of fitness equipment you’d find at any gym or weight room. Yet, since a lot of people don’t have much access to a gym and are willing to try anything to lose weight in the laziest way possible, you tend to see a lot of fitness gizmos being marketed to the masses through infomercials and catalogs. And yes, they can be rather ridiculous Rube Goldberg devices that make inventions you see on Wallace and Gromit seem to make perfect sense (like Wallace’s machine to help him get up in the morning). But it doesn’t stop many of them becoming fads of their own, despite having a ridiculous premise behind it, appearing like something you’d find in a torture chamber or sex dungeon, make you look like a ridiculous idiot, and possibly carrying health risks. So for your viewing pleasure, here are some crazy fitness equipment that will make you scratch your heads in confusion or help shed some pounds through uproarious laughter. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

Free Flexor

I guess this is among the latest in homoerotic work out equipment that flexes all your arm and shoulder muscles. Also, gives you a 6 minute 3D masturbation experience. And you thought the Shake Weight was inappropriate.

2. Treadmill Bike

For those who like the run in place while you’re riding your bike, this is for you. Still, if you like running on a treadmill and the great outdoors, there’s always a cheaper option: running outside. Also, it looks like a scooter.

3. Fitness Equipment for Children

Because why should kids be exempted from the adult gym experience when there’s a childhood obesity crisis on our hands? Besides, little Bobby needs to learn how to bench press if he wants to play in Pee-Wee wrestling or football.

4. Hawaii Chair

From Huffington Post: “Constantly doing the hula at the office will definitely boost productivity and encourage a fun work environment.” Yeah, until someone pulls a ham string on this one.

5. Slendertone Belt

So I suppose this is a magical vibrating belt that’s guaranteed to give anybody rock hard abs without doing any work on it. Worn by a guy who probably has his own personal trainer and spends countless hours in the gym.

6. Ab Rocket Twister Abdominal Trainer

From Greatist: “Five minutes a day to “sizzling rock hard” abs? After a $14.95 30-day trial, some users beg to differ. And while the Ab Rocket might do something for that midsection, the neck and back supports aren’t exactly cushy, and the whole “workout-plus-massage” part? Talk about failure to launch.” Yeah, it looks fairly uncomfortable.

7. Big Wheel Skates

Trying to skate whether on ice or on roller blades does give you some share of injuries with trips, slips, and falls. However, I think skating on these not only looks more dangerous, it also makes users look like complete idiots.

8. Dumbell Utensils

Because there’s no need why you should stop lifting weights in order to grab a bite. Just make your meals part of your exercise routine with these heavier utensils that make eating dinner really hard to bite into. Might encourage you to eat with your hands.

9. Steam-O-Belt

Now this belt operates on the premise that sweating helps you lose body fat (like sauna pants and a lot of other things). Uh, that doesn’t work my friend. Of course, such facts didn’t get in the way of Lord Byron trying to sweat off his weight by wearing layers of waist coats. May not have worked by at least he looked better than these people.

10. Health and Beauty Belt Massager

You may see this thing in many old movies, TV shows, and cartoons. And yes, they’re still being made. Still, it’s said that this belt sends a vibrating wave targeting areas of excess fat. So how does that work?

11. Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power

This one is from South Korea, which is designed, according to the manufacturer and I kid you not, “for those who like to ride the horse in front of TV and in home comfort of their own space.” Like a stable with its own TV? Seriously, how is a portable piece of stationary exercise equipment like riding a horse? I don’t get it.

12. Face Trainer

I think this is supposed to tone your face to prevent sagging wrinkles through face exercising. I am not making this up. Still, not sure if my head confined to something like that.

13. Shake Weight

Of course, I couldn’t ignore this one since it has been mercilessly mocked on SNL, Daily Show, South Park, and anywhere else. Helps you get in shape with suggestive pulsating motion as seen here. And yes, they make one for men.

14. The Bounce Back Chair

It’s supposed to combine the cellular exercise of rebounding with the safety and comfort of a chair. Of course, they also claim that bouncing, “remove toxins, strengthen the immune system, and help build strong healthy cells.” Really?

15. Thigh Master

This is another famous product that started the whole fitness “as seen on TV” thing. Still, so in order to get great thighs like Suzanne Somers, I just have to work out with this pool noodle clamp thing between my legs. Not sure if I buy it.

16. Combustible Gas Powered Pogo Stick

Part pogo stick, part jackhammer, this will help you shed pounds faster than you can imagine. Available during the 1960s, but it’s no longer in production for obvious safety concerns. Think of riding a jackhammer without a hose tethering you to a compressor.

17. Ab Lounge Chair

Not sure if it’s guaranteed to give you rock hard abs. However, if you’re also part of the BDSM community, I assure you won’t be disappointed.

18. Leg Magic X

This is an exercise machine designed for building leg muscles in senior citizens. You’re supposed to spread your legs and stand on it for 60 second sessions throughout the day. Nevertheless, it doesn’t provide much utility for $150.

19. Bucking Bronco Exercise Machine

Apparently, in the olden days, working out at the gym had a lot of similarities to riding a mechanical bull. Wonder how many injuries that caused.

20. The Rack

Don’t get me wrong, but this looks like a complete rip off to me. I mean if I wanted to work out like that, it would be cheaper for me to go over to my grandparents’ house, steal my grandpa’s walker, and exercise with that (which I wouldn’t do in real life). This guy must feel like a complete idiot.

21. Electric Corset

So if wearing a shapewear garment that crushes your internal organs wasn’t bad enough for women at the turn of the century. There was even a corset that was supposed to relieve their ills through electroshock. Said to relieve Nervous Debility, Spinal Complaints, Rheumatism, Paralysis, Numbness, Dyspepsia, Liver and Kidney Troubles, Impaired Circulation, Constipation, and Diseases Peculiar to Women. Not surprisingly, the guy who came up with this idea was a well known quack.

22. Dr. Kellogg’s Battle Creek Vibratory Chair

No, this isn’t an execution device. It’s a therapeutic vibrating chair that was invented by the guy who’s name will be forever associated with a cereal brand. It was said to shake rather violent and be painful to sit on.

23. Wonder Cycle Exercisulator

From Diettogo: “This device from the 1930’s is supposed to simulate the riding of a horse as you press down on the pedals. Wearing the headgear simply gives you extra style points.” Of course, it might be a fine addition to your sex dungeon if you’re into that sort of thing.

24. Ab Roller

I think my high school has one of these things. It’s supposed to make doing sit ups easier by negating the lifting of one’s head while also giving them something to hold onto. Still, I might’ve tried to use one of these, but I couldn’t really do a sit up with it.

25. Human Exercise Wheel

Because there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t have the same endurance work out method as your hamster. Seriously, this is just so ridiculous that you’d think it’s a joke. Sorry, but it’s a totally real thing.

26. Tug Toner

If you didn’t think the Shake Weight or the Free Flexor didn’t give you a workout that you’d be embarrassed to do in front of the kids. The Tug Toner provides the ultimate suggestively vulgar workout. Costs only $39.95 with shipping and lots of handling.

27. iGallop

From Complex: “We have our doubts that anyone has actually purchased this machine. It is our belief that it was engineered to produce a series of softcore porn infomercials starring girls in bootie shorts and cowboy hats. But, if you believe a half-hearted version of horseback riding is a great workout, and you are unable to get laid (as the workout has certainly similarities to the motions you go through in the sack) … well, this is the machine for you.” This kind of makes sense if you think about it.

28. The Europlate Vibraslim

So in order to lose weight and get fit, I could stand on a vibrating platform for a few minutes. So how is this exercise? Because I don’t think standing on something that’s vibrating necessarily is.

29. Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle

From Complex: “In his long and infamous career, Tony Little has produced enough fitness-related garbage to have this entire list to himself. With such inventions as Tony Little’s Cheeks Health Sandals to this atrocity, Little has made a career as a douchey fitness mad scientist. At least mad scientists tend to keep to themselves, chill in their lairs, and avoid sexual harassment.” It’s said that the informercial for this almost resembles a porn video.

30. Dr. Kellogg’s Stomach Roller

Created by Dr. J. H. Kellogg, this was one of the early exercise machines that promised great abs. Not sure whether it worked or how it was supposed to accomplish that.

31. Power Wheel Pike

It’s a wheel you’re supposed to do push ups with. Nevertheless, uni-cyclists can be happy that this product makes them seem normal in comparison.

32. Push Up Pump

This one is supposed to help you with push ups. Of course, those who are push up challenged like me might save $100 if they use the same strategy as I do for a push up. You know, do knee push ups instead. Works just as well.

33. Red Exerciser

This is supposed to swivel your way to a healthy body. Just sit down on this red stool, hold tight, and twist. Also doubles as a rather overpriced bar stool.

34. Relax-a-Cizor

From Life Aura: This contraption should win an award somewhere for being the most ludicrous invention ever introduced to humankind! The poor women who had tried the vibration to no avail somehow became convinced that allowing themselves to be shocked via electricity would help! The Relax-a-Cizor was sold to over 400,000 unsuspecting victims before it was finally taken out of circulation, due to some very nasty side effects, including miscarriage, irregular heart rhythms, and aggravation of a number of underlying medical conditions. What a shock that is! No pun intended of course.” Available during the 1960s.

35. Slender Salon

So I guess one of the few ways for women to get into shape in the 1950s is to sit on a chair with springs around their legs. And they could do their knitting in the meantime.

36. Slendertone Bottom Toner

From Spot Me Girl: “With 99 intensity levels, your bottom isn’t the only thing it’s looking to tone! (seriously, why are all the vibrating things for women?)” She has a very good point. Still, this looks so ridiculous.

37. Walk Station

Basically, it’s a treadmill for your work station that allows you to walk in place as you work. From Spot Me Girl: “This actually isn’t weird at all. It’s the fastest way to sound out of breath to your clients and the best way to smell awful at the office.”

38. Jump Snap- The Ropeless Jump Rope

Now you can jump rope without ever having to worry about getting tangled in an an actual jump rope. Only catch is that it makes you look like a complete idiot in public.

39. Abdoer Twist

From Huffington Post: “This piece of “equipment” looks like a horrible cross between office chair and virtual reality ride, I’m nauseous just looking at it.” Actually an office chair and virtual reality cross would be more fun than this thing.

40. Slendertone System Shorts

Also known as vibrating Spanx as you can see. Are Spanx supposed to vibrate and help you lose weight? No.

41. Teeter Hang Ups Gravity Boots

From Complex: “The fitness benefits of hanging upside down are … absolutely zero. But if you can’t fight the urge to defy gravity, we urge you to lock the door. You don’t want to get robbed, pranked by mischievous roommates, or have a visit from a vengeful ex while you are stupidly stuck in these.” Has a good point.

42. Gliding Discs Exercise System

From Huffington Post: “Just what you’ve always wanted, two pieces of slippery plastic to help make your workout tougher and infinitely more dangerous. Place it under your feet then attempt a lunge! Watch out when you fall right on your face.”

43. BeamFit Balance and Exercise Beam

From Huffington Post: “This one is super complicated. For $80 you can try to walk in a straight line.” Seems like a ripoff to me. I can walk in a straight line for no money at all.

44. Cool Shapes

Another pair of exercise Spanx. But this time, you insert ice packs to freeze your body fat off. Not sure if it works, but I wouldn’t want to put ice packs in my pants to lose weight. What am I nuts?

45. Body Blade

Now you can get in shape while reenacting your Robin Hood or Katniss Everdeen fantasies. Also makes you look like an idiot since it doesn’t come with arrows or a bowstring.

46. Molby Revolving Hammock

From Slip Talk: “By the time the roaring 1920’s emerged, corsets were on their way out. However, inventors and scientists found new and exciting ways to combine painful bondage into passive fitness methods.”

47. High Tech Ride iJoy

From Huffington Post: “Get six-pack abs and simulate riding a mechanical bull with the High Tech Ride iJoy. All you need to do is ‘sit back, keep your balance and have fun.'”

48. Mechanized Magic Beauty Chair

From Life Aura: “The Magic chair made its debut in 1936 and offered a variety of ways to help a woman lose weight and become more pleasant to the eyes, simply by sitting in this nifty chair. The idea was that rigorously twisting the poor woman from side to side would somehow correct her posture, chip away at water retention in her ankles, slim her chin and all kinds of other lovely things! Never mind that not everyone sitting in this chair even had a crooked spine to begin with, perhaps after though!” Looks more like a torture device to me than a beauty chair.

49. Wonder Lounge Exerciser

It’s a lounge chair that doubles as a workout mat. Wonder if anyone has gotten squeezed inside during assembly.

50. Sit Fit Exercise Device

From Huffington Post: “For those who always wanted to grate cheese with their feet but never developed the right muscles.” Looks pretty painful, especially with heels.

51. Peddler

From Huffington Post: “Stimulates leg circulation anywhere! Also, tense coworkers can lie beneath your desk and put product between their shoulder blades for an easy massage.” Makes a convenient doorstop.

52. Portable Home Gym

From Huffington Post: “Perform hundreds of exercises including throwing pieces of metal against the wall in frustration.” You can say the same about some of the other devices on this post. Still, this ad makes it seem so fun.

53. Arm Exercise Weights

Now you can get in shape at work while wearing an arm band with weights. Might weigh you down while you’re trying to do your job.

54. Slimming and Toning System

From Huffington Post: “Full disclosure: Any product that requires users to take off their off their pants takes a little while to get used to. But fitness-minded friends will understand that sometimes, extreme toning calls for extreme measures. “

55. Talking Hand Exerciser

You’re supposed to work your arm muscles by squeezing it. But squeezing it too hard might make this product scream in pain.

56. 2-Step Under-Desk Dancercise for Feet

From Huffington Post: “Not only should you not be “dancercising” at your desk, but we’re pretty sure you can do whatever this product suggests using, well, your own two feet.”

57. The Velcro Home Jogger

Because nothing makes a great workout than running in place in your own living room. Maybe if you want to go running, perhaps go outside.

58. Under-Clothing Resistance Weights

They’re weights you wear under your legs in order to get fit. Just make sure you don’t wear them while swimming. Or if your boss might throw you in the lake.

59. Speedfit Portable Treadmill

A treadmill is stationary equipment for people to run in place. It should stay that way. Seriously, a treadmill with wheels is just idiotic.

60. Shape Up Dumbbell Alarm Clock

Some people tend to work out first thing in the morning. But this is just ridiculous. Seriously, why?

61. Dr. Weener’s Stud Master

From the box, “At last – an exerciser that conditions the one muscle that all other machines ignore!” I wonder what that could be. Looks rather phallic. Oh, that’s what it’s for.

62. The Upper Body Aerobic Exerciser

How is this supposed to exercise your upper body? All this looks to me is just a couple of rings melded together with bolts and handles. Also seems like a less erotic alternative to the shake weight than anything.

63. The Speedboard

It’s supposed to be a treadmill without a motor and it’s powered by gravity and your ability to lift the weights. So how is this a treadmill?

64. Dumbell Phone

Now you can lift weights while you’re on the phone. Of course, you’ll have to keep it up during the entire conversation unless you switch hands from time to time. Also, it’ll make you look incredibly stupid in front of your kids.

65. Vibrating Platform

This is what a vibrating platform looked like during your grandparents’ day. Resembles some sci-fi styled torture device. But I’m sure those springs are electrically charged.

66. Ab Crunching Machine

This was an invention by Dr. Gustave Zander. And this was how 19th century men tried to get those rock hard abs at the gym. Yeah, it kind of looks like something you’d see in Steampunk sex dungeon. But a man had to work out in his suit.

67. Push Up Machine

This mechanism makes it easier for a Victorian gentlemen to do push ups or leg presses. Also, had to do them in his suit just to remain proper.

68. Adult Jungle Gym

Allows adults to exercise their whole body at the gym. Or a rich Victorian gentleman’s sex dungeon. Makes me wonder whether Dr. Zander had some fetish with bondage.

69. Gentleman’s Leg Press

This fitness device is supposed to strengthen your lower body by placing your feet on some large drum with their shoes off. Now I wonder how this is supposed to work. Guy just looks like he’s keeping his feet warm to me.

70. Work Out Frame Bench

Yhis boy seems to enjoy working out on that piece of equipment. Kind of like I did in high school whenever I had to spend gym class in the weight room, which was a lot during the colder months. God, I used to hate it there.

71. Power Spin

Said to: “Delivers arms and abs to be proud of.” It’s around tube with a ball in it that you just wiggle around for a long time with repetitive wrist motions. So it’s more likely to give you Carpal Tunnel Syndrome than great abs and biceps.

72. Lady’s Body Harness

So I guess this is one of the few acceptable ways a Victorian lady could get in shape at the gym. Doesn’t really seem to do much. Seems like an early vibrating belt to me.

73. Love Handler

It’s supposed to help you sculpt your body by helping you get rid of your love handles. Uh, I don’t think spot fat removal works that way. Eating less and more cardiovascular exercises is more effective.

74. Panasonic Core Exercise Trainer

From Scooby’s Workshop: “There are much less expensive ways to train your core and they don’t take up half the room! To their credit they don’t make any unreasonable claims.” And don’t cost $2000 either. Buying a yoga mat and DVD is a better investment.

75. The ViPR

It’s said that you can do over 9,000 exercises with this. You know what else you can do thousands of exercises with? A floor.

76. Facial Fitness Pao Smile Trainer

Because nothing firms your face like a mouth plug with blades on it. Product from Japan. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist? Why?

77. The Sizer Upper

I call this the “Sizer Upper” because all I think they’re doing is sizing each other up. Not sure how that gets you exercise.

78. Ab Circle

Said to help you get great abs by helping you twirl in circles. Looks like some small stool with knee rests and handles to me.

79. Facial Lift Atonce

facial-lift-at-once-face-mouth-exercise-4

Again another plug for your mouth that’s said to help prevent wrinkles and also makes you seem like an idiot. Probably doesn’t work.

80. TRX

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It’s a large fitness rack that seems to cost a lot and take up a lot of space. You’re supposed to work out on it with ropes. A swing set or monkey bars would make more sense.

The Timekeeping World of Clocks

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 1, 2016

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As we welcome 2016, I couldn’t think of a better post to start the new year off with than one about a device we use to tell time with. Now clocks have been one of the oldest human inventions to meet the need to consistently measure intervals of time shorter than that natural units such as the day, the lunar month, and the year. Such devices operating on several physical process have existed for millennia starting with sundials, hourglasses, water clocks to our modern digital and atomic clocks. A major advance in timekeeping was the invention of the escapement in Europe in the year 1300 which allowed the invention of first mechanical clocks which used oscillating timekeepers like balance wheels. Spring-driven clocks appeared during the 15th century and between that and the 16th century, clockmaking flourished. The Exploration Age saw the invention of the pendulum clock in 1656 as well as efforts to improve timing accuracy and reliability for the importance of navigation. The first electric clock was invented in 1840 while the 20th century saw clocks with no clock parts at all. Of course, there are plenty of clocks out there since there are people who make their own as a project. And there are some unique clocks that have been produced for the masses. So to open the new year for your reading pleasure, here is a collection of some truly unique clock designs you can’t miss a minute on.

We begin with a rusty Steampunk clock that resembles a fish.

Yes, it almost looks like Captain Nemo could’ve used one like this in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Still, I’m not sure if it reflects Nemo’s decorative tastes.

2. Now this is a clock that’s beneath a Grecian Urn.

Of course, this one was from the mid 1800s, during the time of Emperor Napoleon III of France (don’t ask, it takes a long explanation). Still, probably didn’t come cheap.

3. Now this wall clock comes with some floral decoration.

Now this was probably a DIY project and possibly by a girl. Yes, it’s a frilly clock but it’s quite pretty to say the least.

4. Some table clocks can look like anything. This one resembles a lawn chair.

I’m sure this is fairly small and can be put in a dollhouse. And I’m sure it’s more expensive than a plastic lawn chair. Still, very clever.

5. In this clock, the analog face is a girl’s hairpiece.

Now I think this clock wasn’t built to specifically tell time. And it some ways, it kind of looks either Steampunk or gothy. Yet, since it’s unique, it goes on the post.

6. When it comes to old muscle car headlights in a junkyard, you can give one a new life by making it into a clock.

Yes, it looks a bit rusty. Yes, it can use some red paint. But still, I don’t think I can make a clock like that in a million years. Then again, I probably can’t make a clock, period.

7. Those who enjoy 1980s video games can now wake up with Pac-Man.

This is a 3D Pac-Man alarm clock. I’m sure this wasn’t made in the 1980s. But if you, hit the snooze button, I wonder if Pac-Man will try to eat your head.

8. Now this clock seems to go for a more natural look.

This one is made from a wooden panel and decorated with branches. Not sure if it fits in a hunting lodge. But hey, I like it.

9. Now I wonder whether this clock can tell you when it’s Miller time.

Then again, not sure if I know some of these beer brands. But I think this would be a perfect clock for a bar. Yet, very inappropriate for a venue that sponsors AA meetings.

10. For old clocks, make sure it has the proper gears to work.

Now I guess this is either an antique or some DIY Steampunk creation. For some reason, it kind of reminds me of the movie Hugo.

11. This antique grandfather clock is not impressed.

Now this is the kind of clock you’d expect to see from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Still, I doubt that this clock has a tale as old as time.

12. Now this is a martini shaker clock is perfect for any cocktail party.

However, I wouldn’t recommend you using to shake James Bond’s martini. It probably has a bunch of parts within. Thus, it’s most likely for timekeeping and display only.

13. This pencil clock will help any teacher start on time in the classroom.

Of course, these pencils look like Papermates, which have shitty erasers. Still, it’s pretty ingenious even if it doesn’t list numbers.

14. Do you sometimes wish that you had a block to tell the time for you?

Looking at this, you’d swear the clock numbers are painted on this black block of wood. Wonder how this works.

15. A clock tower clock? How original.

Though some towns have clock towers, they don’t usually look like this. But this one is suited for indoors and didn’t come cheap.

16. Now this antique clock seems to belong in some rich guy’s hunting lodge.

I think this might be an antique German hunting lodge clock as far as I can tell, I’ve seen a smaller one in vintage postcard. But it looked nothing like this one.

17. This jeweled gold clock is small enough that you can take it wherever you go.

Of course, assuming any of these jewels are real, it’s possible that this clock might cost more than a car. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful to say the least.

18. Need a way to tell when Polly needs a cracker? Perhaps this clock will tell you.

Yes, this is a birdcage clock. Yes, the face is on the bottom, which means you’ll have to tilt your head back to know what time it is from this clock.

19. For those who want to know when to bake some bread, there’s an electric mixer clock for that.

Now this mixer looks as if it’s straight from the 1950s. But I don’t think it’s for actual use. Still, love the pink.

20. Of course, mornings are usually the time of say when they go to the Waffle House.

The Waffle House is a breakfast food joint with similar heart attack inducing fare as Ihop. Yet, with a more shady reputation.

21. This sewing machine will help you determine the proper time to hem.

Now this one seems to be a high class replica of those old sewing machines you had to power with a crank. Still, it’s quite nice.

22. This clock has a hand that tells the minute and a slit that reveals the hour.

Now that’s one neat way to tell time. From the face, I can guess it’s about ten after 11.

23. Now this is a watch that will exactly tell you the time of day.

Of course, the letters are all jumbled in this watch. But you get what I mean.

24. In case, you don’t know the time, day, or month, this clock will help you.

Kind of seems like something you’d see in a Jules Verne novel. Of course, we don’t need a clock to tell us the day or the month. We have calendars that do it for us.

25. Of course, some might be partial to peacocks in terms of their clock design.

Now this one seems to have a peacock and his feathers all over this clock. Not sure if I want it, but it’s a rather ingenious design in its own way.

26. Now this timekeeper seems to be made from a slab of wood.

Yes, it looks like it was made from a slab of varnished wood. But keep in mind that analog clocks look easier to make than they really are.

27. Of course, public clocks can always be seen from the side of buildings.

Now this one is said to be from Belgium. Not sure what building it is. But whenever a clock strikes a certain hour, one of these figures jumps out of their holes.

28. Now this clock is sure to tell you when you need to whip out your old kitchen utensils.

I don’t think those utensils will help you in the kitchen. Seems to go well with the previous electric mixer clock I put up. Then again, it’s in the same color.

29. Nothing makes a more beautiful clock face than cardinal in winter.

Now that’s a pretty cardinal and a well painted one, too. Still, this still doesn’t mean that it should be the bird symbol for 7 US states. I mean find a bird more original.

30. For all you music lovers out there, this clock is for you.

Now this one shows the kind of scales and how many sharps and flats you should use. Perfect for any music classroom.

31. Of course, we all remember this old Kit-Cat clock.

Correct me if I’m wrong. But I kind of find this cat’s moving eyes a bit unsettling whenever I see this in movies or cartoons. Why it’s so familiar, I have no clue.

32. On this wall clock, any time is pizza time.

Of course, you can say that for some people. Not sure what to think of this. But it’s unique so it goes on this post.

33. When it comes to waking up in the morning, this alarm clock makes you shoot the snooze button.

Of course, using this alarm clock has been responsible for sleeplessness in Imperial Stormtroopers. Those familiar with Star Wars know that Stormtrooper marksmanship is appalling.

34. Now this is a commemorative clock that’s courtesy of the British Department of Silly Walks.

You have to bet since that famous Monty Python sketch came out, that such a clock would soon exist. Of course, you’d never be able to tell when John Cleese is at his silliest here.

35. For all you space lovers out there, this clock shows the phases of the moon.

Not sure if this clock depicts moon phases by the hour, day, or month. But I’m sure some space nerds would want to get their hands on one if they could.

36. Now this is a digital clock that tells time from a roll of film.

Of course, some of my younger viewers under a certain age (like children) may have no idea that we once used film to take pictures with. And that we had to send that roll away to develop them. And no, you couldn’t preview the picture on your screen because that didn’t exist. You had one shot to get it right and that was it.

37. These old license plates give this clock an interesting face.

Now theses are US license plates. But each one is of a different state and gives a number of the hour. It’s not colorful but it’s cool in its own way.

38. Seems like this clock gives you the time as if it’s keeping score.

The numbers on here are depicted like tally marks. Numbers 1-5 don’t take up much space. But 11-12 certainly do.

39. If you didn’t know how to read a clock, you wouldn’t be able to tell the time by some of these hand signs.

Now the numbers on this clock are depicted as seen in American Sign Language (ASL). From what I can tell on this. it’s about 25 till 8.

40. Now if you have an old lantern that’s obsolete, make a clock out of it.

Wonder if this clock was made from an old railroad lantern. Because it sure looks like it.

41. For the morbid sort, you might want to get the time from this skull.

Of course, this might make some of my viewers squeamish. But I assure you, it’s most likely made out of wood. At least I hope it is.

42. Of course, you can make your own clock from a tree slice, if you find one big enough.

Now from the rings, it seems that this tree was very old when it fell. And it seemed to have suffered from heart rot. So I guess it was going to die anyway.

43. For Captain James T. Kirk, it’s always time to go where no man has gone before.

Now this is a clock depicting the spacecraft you see on Star Trek. I’m sure the 12 o’clock ship is the Enterprise. All the others I’m not so sure.

44. I don’t know about you, but I could’ve sworn that this clock was owned by Salvador Dali at some point.

I don’t know why I suspect it. Perhaps it’s because this clock’s face looks pretty surreal. And we know that Dali was a leading artist in that movement, particularly when it came to melting clocks like this one.

45. Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?

Now this is a Steampunk DIY clock that’s made to look like an owl. Uses gears, pieces of metal, and CDs. Still, I think it’s pretty cool.

46. I don’t know about you but this clock makes me feel that time is going down the drain.

Yeah, this clock makes it seem that all the hours are in some state of flux like a death spiral. Still, looking at it too long kind of makes you feel dizzy.

47. This pool cue ball clock is sure to delight any game room.

To some, this might be a wonderful work of art. To me, it appears more appropriate decoration for a bar, particularly one with a pool table.

48. A bedazzled alarm clock like this is sure to wake you up in the morning.

I’m sure those gems are fake or this clock would be very expensive. Still, it’s incredibly tacky for my taste. Yet, I do love the diamond ring around the face.

49. This wall clock seems to have time on the ball.

Not sure how this clock works. Does the clear one denote the hour while the red denotes the minute? Or is it the other way around?

50. Now this is the kind of clock that makes a good stove timer.

Well, it looks like an old fashioned stove. Not sure if I want it in the kitchen. But it sure looks so quaint and whimsical.

51. This guy seems happy that he’s arrived just in time.

Now that’s adorable even if it’s more suited for a kid’s room. Also, doubles as a bookcase as you see.

52. When I see this clock, it seems to remind that my time on earth is limited.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t think I’d want to use this clock to count down to my inevitable mortality. Besides, I’ll be 26 in a couple of weeks.

53. With Atomic Age clocks, they can be in almost any shape or form.

Now these clocks come in all kinds of weird variations. But for some reason I like this one the best. Still, interesting taste.

54. I don’t know about you but is this clock watching me or the time?

Now this is creepy as hell. Not sure why someone would make this. Still, certainly wouldn’t want that in my living room.

55. I’m sure this clock helps tell you when it’s a good time to rock n’roll.

Well, this was probably not made from a real electric guitar. Still, I think it would be perfect for any rock n’ roll room.

56. If you want to find the time of day, I suggest you look in this book.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of gears and machinery inside. But it does look like a real book that tells time.

57. I’m sure you’ve seen a clock design like this on your dashboard. Oh, that was a speedometer but you get the idea.

Now this would be perfect for someone who likes cars. Wonder which gauge indicates what. Then again, they each stand for 3, 6, and 9.

58. This clock will certainly be perfect for any bookshelf.

Now this clock does consist of a stack of books together. Wonder if anyone would notice it if you put it within a bookshelf among other books. Probably.

59. For artists in you, this pallet clock will help you decide when it’s time to paint.

I think that pallet might be made from an old vinyl record. But it does look quite classy if you ask me. Love it.

60. Not sure if you can listen to tunes on this record player. But it’ll give you the time of day.

Now this is a record player clock. For a long time people used to listen to music with these things. Vinyl records came with your basic LP and a Singles. This is single. It only has 2 songs on each side.

61. Seems like there’s a tie for every occasion and every hour.

Well, that’s one thing to do with all the neckties your dad doesn’t like. Of course, from here, it’s about 5 till 2.

62. Of course, this is the clock you have if you want to spend every second with the ones you love.

Of course, I wonder if these are real photographs or stock photos. Probably the latter. But some of these kids are so adorable. And I can tell some people might wants this.

63. A wall clock like this will certainly look good hanging in any kitchen or dining room.

I guess this clock was made with some cutlery. I’m fairly sure they’re black plastic. But still, I think it looks quite classy.

64. Now this clock tends to tell time by shifting gears.

Well, it tells the hour and the closest 5 minute approximation. But still, may not be something you’d want in your living room. But it does its job.

65. Now who says you can’t tell the time of day from an old tire?

Yes, this is a tire clock as you see here. Not sure if the tire is flat but I don’t think it matters. Because here it’s just used for decoration.

66. Now I’ve never thought I’d see an analog clock with no numbers or hands.

Now the hands on this clock are lasers. Yes, they’re lasers. Not sure if it’s the future. But it looks pretty neat. Never seen that before.

67. As this clock moves, the more the hands expand, contract, or possibly change color.

Now this is a folding clock as you see here. Its two hands are connected by a cloth that’s different on each side. Not sure if I’d want it. But it’s unique so it goes on this post.

68. Whether it’s sunny or cloudy, this clock tells time in all kinds of weather.

While this is a normal clock, it’s also said to have some qualities of a sundial. See how the light casts a shadow on the numbers and hands.

69. Now this one is a digital clock and tells the time with dominoes.

Now according to this clock, it’s 10:29. Nevertheless, it does give you an adequate description in layman’s terms.

70. This clock seems to look as if its face is out of this world.

Basically this is a clock of our solar system. It’s not drawn to scale. But I’m sure this is the kind of clock Neil Degrasse Tyson would want on his wall.

71. This is outdoor can tell the time as well feed the birds.

Yes, this is a birdhouse clock. And yes, it has a pendulum. Not sure if it’s actually used for birds, but I like the simplicity of it all.

72. Of course, if you know the notes, you can guess the numbers on this clock.

Now the numbers on these are determined by how many beats each note gets in basic 4/4 time. So a quarter note = 1. A half note = 2. And a whole note = 4.

73. Of course, a clock with all the bright colors is bound to brighten your day.

Not sure if all these colors on the clock represent the different colors of the rainbow. But they’re definitely colors you’d certainly see in Lisa Frank.

74. You can make a clock face out of anything, even things you might find at the beach.

As you see, the face is made from driftwood or flotsam and jetsam. The numbers are represented by shells. Nevertheless, wouldn’t mind having this.

75. Now this clock is situated on this lovely painted kettle.

Seems to depict a Roman scene as as I see it. Still, from the gold and laquer on this, I think this isn’t used for the kitchen and is more expensive than an actual kettle.

76. Now this is a clock only mathletes would have in their abodes.

I’m sure you can solve many of these problems since the answers are 1-12 as you go along clockwise. But math nerds will adore this.

77. I’m sure this clock hate’s being referred to of the grandfather variety.

Yes, this is a female clock and it’s an antique as well. Don’t ask me where this came from. I just found this on Pinterest.

78. Clock or paint splat? You decide.

Now that really looks like a splat of paint on the wall. However, it’s probably made from black plastic. Still pretty neat though.

79. I don’t know about you but this looks like it’ll go off any second.

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Relax, it’s a clock. Trust me it’s a clock that just looks like a bomb. And no, I don’t think it was designed by some Muslim teenager in Texas. Seriously, I don’t.

80. Of course, sometimes people just want to have their eggs over easy first thing in the morning.

Now this is a skillet clock with an egg on it. And the hands are a knife and fork. This would be perfect for Rob Swanson from Parks and Rec.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Monthly Archives: January 2016

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects

Be Mine with These Valentine’s Day Treats (Second Edition)

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes (Second Edition)

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

Touchdown with These Super Bowl Sunday Party Treats (Second Edition)

The Nobility and Aristocracy of Downton Abbey

Working Out on Fitness Equipment

The Timekeeping World of Clocks