A Word from Our Sponsors: Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance

Been successfully framed for a serious crime you didn’t commit? Have you been trying to prove your innocence to the authorities who just don’t listen to you? Does the real culprit have a conspiracy against you? Sick of the real culprit getting away with the crime while you have been sentenced to years in jail? Do you believe that the criminal justice system is unfair to you and that you could better spend your time breaking out of prison and trying to clear your name by catching the real guy?

Wrongful accusations happen all the time in our everyday lives. To be falsely accused of a serious crime is perhaps one of the most horrible things anyone can experience, especially if they know that the real culprit is so much richer and more influential than he or she is and the criminal justice system can be so unfair to those it should protect. Sometimes people are just wrongfully accused of such heinous acts just because they were in a close relationship with the victim, just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, have a shady history, social discrimination, or that you make a convenient fall guy in somebody else’s scheme. And while there are lawyers, they usually don’t tend to stick around once the falsely accused suspect is convicted and sent to prison. Thus, because the were so wronged by the criminal justice system, many can’t do anything else than try exonerating themselves by going on a personal mission to find the real culprits often committing a series of of other crimes in the process whether they be resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, reckless endangerment, assault, and fraud. Sure these crimes are usually minor compared to what you’re unjustly being accused of but they can come back to bite you once law enforcement gets into play. And let’s just say that it would totally suck to be back in prison after all the hard work you’ve done to prove your innocence through any means necessary.

Here at Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance, we understand that you were forced to commit those heinous acts since there were no legally accepted ways to prove your innocence as a fugitive from injustice. Here we strive to protect you from providing advice on how to cover your tracks as well as recommend a list of lawyers who’d be happy to defend you once you’ve exonerated yourself from the crime you’ve been accused of so you don’t have to face the legal consequences of your actions. Whether it be burglary, theft, kidnapping, torture, attempted murder, breaking and entering, hostage taking, property damage, resisting legal custody, hacking, forgery, blackmail, illegal border crossing, transporting firearms across state lines without a permit, unlawful use of a weapon, and giving the bad guy what he totally deserves, we’ll cover you as you pursue the son of a bitch responsible for ruining your life.

* Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance may not be accepted in all situations in which someone is wrongfully accused of a crime and the said person may have to face the legal consequences anyway. Also, doesn’t cover crimes like murder of innocent bystanders or good guys, domestic abuse, terrorism, or sex crimes since these are very serious crimes themselves and won’t make any wrongfully accused person seem sympathetic in comparison. Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance will only cover you until you’ve not only been exonerated from the original crime but also after you get off on the other crimes you’ve committed in your pursuit to clear your name.

Here Comes the Wedding Cake!

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Spring and summer are big seasons for weddings since these are times when the weather is supposed to be nice and sunny, well, most of the time. Of course, you don’t need to take my word for it that they are big occasions that require constant planning yet we’re pretty sure that most couples who are about to make the trip to the altar pretty much know what they’d want their wedding to be like. Then again, there are plenty of women who’ve already planned the trimmings to their wedding way before they met the man (or woman in some states) of their dreams. One of the big features of the wedding is the big wedding cake which is often the centerpiece of the wedding buffet as well as the only piece of food made for people to look at. I can go all day about the nice wedding cakes I’ve seen but this post would be boring so instead I’ll post cakes that would turn any bride to be into an instant bridezilla and for good reason since some of the cakes don’t always turn out according to plan and mistakes can’t always be repeated, too. Then again, you may have some brides saying, “Well, we can always renew our vows.”

1. Nothing says that the wedding is all about the bride than having a large cake in her likeness.

Seriously, this is the kind of cake you get when the bride has no taste or budget. Besides, I think having a wedding cake in your likeness is one of the creepiest and selfish things you could do.

Seriously, this is the kind of cake you get when the bride has no taste or budget. Besides, I think having a wedding cake in your likeness is one of the creepiest and selfish things you could do.

2. Best wishes to Donna and Adam Overly and may their marriage not become like their initials on their wedding cake.

I hope the initials on this cake don't describe the happy couple's future together or how they'll end up in the hospital after being stabbed by the local serial killer. Then again, maybe the initials don't mean anything.

I hope the initials on this cake don’t describe the happy couple’s future together or how they’ll end up in the hospital after being stabbed by the local serial killer. Then again, maybe the initials don’t mean anything.

3. Looks like this couple has ordered a cake of their wedding based on their favorite hobby: rock climbing.

Is it just me, or does that cake look like a giant turd with plant foliage on it? Still, I hope they have a rock solid marriage until death do they part, which in this case is one of them losing control of the bungee cords and falling 100 feet to their demise.

Is it just me, or does that cake look like a giant turd with plant foliage on it? Still, I hope they have a rock solid marriage until death do they part, which in this case is one of them losing control of the bungee cords and falling 100 feet to their demise.

5. Why not have a wedding that’s based on the bride’s favorite Disney movie?

Maybe a Cinderella cake is fine by me but I think this is kind of over the top. Also, I'm not much of a fan of the girl finding her way out of her godforsaken hellhole through losing her footwear.

Maybe a Cinderella cake is fine by me but I think this is kind of over the top. Also, I’m not much of a fan of the girl finding her way out of her godforsaken hellhole through losing her footwear.

5. Some people cry at weddings while this baker made a cake that resembled a tissue pile.

May this cake be a reminder of all the tissues Susie went through during her dating life until she met Todd.

May this cake be a reminder of all the tissues Susie went through during her dating life until she met Todd.

6. This wedding cake’s theme from John J. Audubon’s Birds of America: The Winter Series.

Sure the birds may be beautiful in the snow but all the branches on this cake seem dead for some reason. It doesn't seem that this cake was made for a happy occasion since it looks rather depressing if you ask me.

Sure the birds may be beautiful in the snow but all the branches on this cake seem dead for some reason. It doesn’t seem that this cake was made for a happy occasion since it looks rather depressing if you ask me.

7. So may your life be filled with peeps, kisses, Jack Daniels, and tacky lawn ornaments.

Either that, or the Hershey's kisses are a stand-in for the flamingo poo droppings. Still, this cake sort of illustrates that this couple has horrible taste.

Either that, or the Hershey’s kisses are a stand-in for the flamingo poo droppings. Still, this cake sort of illustrates that this couple has horrible taste.

8. Let this cake stand to remind you that marriage is just one monogamous sausage fest.

Seriously those tubular decorations can't be icing. I mean they look like ham, bacon, or some other meat. It's disgusting.

Seriously those tubular decorations can’t be icing. I mean they look like ham, bacon, or some other meat. It’s disgusting.

9. Let this wedding cake tell us that it’s important to practice safe sex in a monogamous relationship.

Yet, perhaps these condom decorations are for the guests who want to hook up with someone during the reception.

Yet, perhaps these condom decorations are for the guests who want to hook up with someone during the reception.

10. Why better wedding cake than one resembling a fountain?

This cake actually looks pretty nice except for the spikes on the top which makes it better suited for a horror movie.

This cake actually looks pretty nice except for the spikes on the top which makes it better suited for a horror movie.

11. Nothing says “true love” than a wedding cake of a tree with an initialed heart cut in.

Except that this tree looks like it was straight out of a badly drawn Dr. Seuss book. This, assuming that Dr. Seuss was in kindergarten at the time.

Except that this tree looks like it was straight out of a badly drawn Dr. Seuss book. This, assuming that Dr. Seuss was in kindergarten at the time.

12. Why not have a wedding cake that looks like it was designed by the baker’s 5 year old daughter?

This cake looks more like a little girl’s art project. I swear it seems like the cake is made out of styrofoam and blue electrical tape. I suppose the flowers came from someone’s art set, too.

13. Why not have a wedding cake that’s made on top of a large stump?

Either that, or Cousin It. Then again, it kind of resembles a stool you might want to buy at the Pottery Barn with a cake topper on it. Let's just say if weren't for the topper, I wouldn't know it was a wedding cake.

Either that, or Cousin It. Then again, it kind of resembles a stool you might want to buy at the Pottery Barn with a cake topper on it. Let’s just say if weren’t for the topper, I wouldn’t know it was a wedding cake.

14. Why not have a cake that says “I have a hunk a heart of burning love,” or something like that?

Then again the fires on this cake have substantially cooled as far as we know. Still, doesn't quite cut it in the Elvis song.

Then again the fires on this cake have substantially cooled as far as we know. Still, doesn’t quite cut it in the Elvis song.

15. Nothing says a fall wedding like wheat decorations that give it a rustic tone.

Of course, the wheat on this cake is so tall that I can't see the rest of it. Also, kind of resembles a do-it-yourself fertility goddess headdress or something.

Of course, the wheat on this cake is so tall that I can’t see the rest of it. Also, kind of resembles a do-it-yourself fertility goddess headdress or something.

16. May this wedding cake show how love rises to new heights within the bonds of matrimony.

Of course, the baker got so carried away with the cake design that the wedding has gone way over budget.

Of course, the baker got so carried away with the cake design that the wedding has gone way over budget.

17. For the wedding reception, what cake to have than one with a disco ball on top of it?

Of course, this cake design brings us why people no longer look to the 1970s for decorating ideas. Also, a disco ball as a cake topper? That's tacky beyond all understanding.

Of course, this cake design brings us why people no longer look to the 1970s for decorating ideas. Also, a disco ball as a cake topper? That’s tacky beyond all understanding.

18. Of course, what winter wedding would be complete without an Alpine skiing cake from the Rocky Mountains.

What the hell are those green things? Are they supposed to be rocks or something? Can somebody answer me?

What the hell are those green things? Are they supposed to be rocks or something? Can somebody answer me?

19. Nothing says a festive wedding than a salmon color wedding cake.

Reminds me of a place called Cafe Salmonella from A Series of Unfortunate Events where all the food was this color. Of course, this color is fine on salmon but disgusting on anything else edible.

Reminds me of a place called Cafe Salmonella from A Series of Unfortunate Events where all the food was this color. Of course, this color is fine on salmon but disgusting on anything else edible.

20. What wedding wouldn’t be complete without two doves as a cake topper?

Of course, the cake itself looks like a little girl's art project complete with spray paint and glitter.

Of course, the cake itself looks like a little girl’s art project complete with spray paint and glitter.

21. Of course, there’s no redneck wedding like a camo wedding cake decorated with beer cans and taxidermy squirrels.

The taxidermy done on these cake toppers was by Norman Bates. Also, using taxidermy as cake toppers is kind of unsanitary if you ask me but perhaps this cake was done on a budget.

22. Here comes the….hey, what happened to the bride’s head?

Seriously, this is freaky if you ask me. Why have a cake of the bride's bust? Also, the fact it doesn't seem to have a head is even more disturbing.

Seriously, this is freaky if you ask me. Why have a cake of the bride’s bust? Also, the fact it doesn’t seem to have a head is even more disturbing.

23. Not to fear, Wal-Mart has the perfect wedding cake for you this Valentine’s Day season, now at a great low price.

This would've been the perfect cake for the Game of Thrones "Red Wedding" episode. Of course, you can see why the show's fans wouldn't even consider buying such cake that seems to be oozing in blood.

This would’ve been the perfect cake for the Game of Thrones “Red Wedding” episode. Of course, you can see why the show’s fans wouldn’t even consider buying such cake that seems to be oozing in blood.

24. What better wedding cake than one that resembles a place you wouldn’t drive on.

Of course, this was designed by a boy who thought that wedding cakes have gotten a bit too girly for some reason. Also, this is why grooms shouldn't plan weddings (just kidding).

Of course, this was designed by a boy who thought that wedding cakes have gotten a bit too girly for some reason. Also, this is why grooms shouldn’t plan weddings (just kidding).

25. May this wedding cake remind you of the golden moments you shared on this fateful day.

Of course, this baker has used way too much spray paint on this and it shows big time.

Of course, this baker has used way too much spray paint on this and it shows big time.

26. Nothing says wedding cake than having one that seems to be made out of paper mache and tissue paper.

That cake looks fairly convincing, for some kid's 3rd grade art project, I guess.

That cake looks fairly convincing, for some kid’s 3rd grade art project, I guess.

27. These three wedding bakers seem so proud of their new creation.

That looks like a it was based from a pile of expensive looking pillows found in some 5 star hotel.

That looks like a it was based from a pile of expensive looking pillows found in some 5 star hotel.

28. Nothing says “Southern Wedding” than beer cans, chocolate mud, strawberries, and Confederate flags.

Now this is why rednecks seem to be offensively stereotyped, folks. Also, not only is the Confederate flag a racist symbol, it's also a terrible wedding decoration. And I'm not saying that to anger, Lynard Skynard fans here. I'm just saying.

Now this is why rednecks seem to be offensively stereotyped, folks. Also, not only is the Confederate flag a racist symbol, it’s also a terrible wedding decoration. And I’m not saying that to anger, Lynard Skynard fans here. I’m just saying.

29. Of course, no fall wedding could be complete without an autumn styled cake with deer toppers, especially when it’s after Thanksgiving.

I don't know about you but I think deer heads should be on someone's wall, not on a wedding cake. It's kind of tacky if you ask me but at least the rest of it is tasteful.

I don’t know about you but I think deer heads should be on someone’s wall, not on a wedding cake. It’s kind of tacky if you ask me but at least the rest of it is tasteful.

30. Ain’t no wedding like a Mardi Gras wedding.

Then again, these Mardi Gras bead decorations don't seem to bring in the festive spirit. Rather it seems like a more appropriate cake for Lent despite it being a season where many give up sweets and their New Year's resolutions.

Then again, these Mardi Gras bead decorations don’t seem to bring in the festive spirit. Rather it seems like a more appropriate cake for Lent despite it being a season where many give up sweets and their New Year’s resolutions.

31. Aw, what can possibly go wrong with a wedding cake decorated with dolphins?

Oh, my God, this is a horrible cake. I mean the dolphins look like they're all dead. Seriously, what does this baker have against dolphins?

Oh, my God, this is a horrible cake. I mean the dolphins look like they’re all dead. Seriously, what does this baker have against dolphins?

32. Nothing makes a fairytale wedding than a cake of Cinderella’s castle.

On second thought, this cake has made one of the most iconic castles in Disney movies look like one of most terrifying places on earth. Seriously, it makes me wonder why Cinderella would want to marry the Prince and move in to such a place.

On second thought, this cake has made one of the most iconic castles in Disney movies look like one of most terrifying places on earth. Seriously, it makes me wonder why Cinderella would want to marry the Prince and move in to such a place.

33. Aw, nothing says “true love”  on a winter wedding like a wedding cake depicting a scene from Dr. Zhivago.

Sure, Dr. Zhivago is one of the great romances and "Lara's Theme" is a great piece of music but it's about the Russian Revolution as well as a guy who carries on an extramarital affair with some Bolshevik official's neglected wife who he once saw after she was raped by a Russian aristocrat. Let's just say if you know the rest of the Dr. Zhivago story, you can see why seeing Yuri and Lara enjoying a sleigh ride doesn't seem like an appropriate wedding idea. Also, the winter limbs on this cake are horrifying.

Sure, Dr. Zhivago is one of the great romances and “Lara’s Theme” is a great piece of music but it’s about the Russian Revolution as well as a guy who carries on an extramarital affair with some Bolshevik official’s neglected wife who he once saw after she was raped by a Russian aristocrat during the 1905 uprising. Let’s just say if you know the rest of the Dr. Zhivago story, you can see why seeing Yuri and Lara enjoying a sleigh ride doesn’t seem like an appropriate wedding idea. Also, the winter limbs on this cake are horrifying.

34. Sometimes when two don’t agree on the same wedding cake design, there needs to be a compromise.

As awful looking as this cake is, at least both bride and groom tried to accommodate their tastes. Still, camouflage shouldn't be used on wedding cakes. I'm sorry.

As awful looking as this cake is, at least both bride and groom tried to accommodate their tastes. Still, camouflage shouldn’t be used on wedding cakes. I’m sorry.

35. May this cake remind you of the fireworks between the two of you.

Of course, I hope your relationship has more spectacular sparks than this cake would imply. Otherwise, your marriage doesn't have a prayer.

Of course, I hope your relationship has more spectacular sparks than this cake would imply. Otherwise, your marriage doesn’t have a prayer.

36. Nothing says a summer wedding than a couple standing on top of a pile of dead sharks.

This is a terrible idea for a wedding cake. Even more disturbing is that all the sharks on this cake are oozing with blood. Sure sharks may attack people but there's no reason why we should try to annihilate them since they have an important place in the ecosystem.

This is a terrible idea for a wedding cake. Even more disturbing is that all the sharks on this cake are oozing with blood. Sure sharks may attack people but there’s no reason why we should try to annihilate them since they have an important place in the ecosystem.

37. What a wonderful wedding cake with butterflies and sperm?

Look, if having sperm on a baby shower cake is bad, it's certainly a terrible idea for a wedding one. Then again, these could be tadpoles, but still.

Look, if having sperm on a baby shower cake is bad, it’s certainly a terrible idea for a wedding one. Then again, these could be tadpoles, but still.

38. Of course, at a wedding, make sure there is plenty of cake to go around.

Lord knows how many guests attended this occasion as well as how much was spent on doing this cake alone. Still, it's pretty tacky if you ask me.

Lord knows how many guests attended this occasion as well as how much was spent on doing this cake alone. Still, it’s pretty tacky if you ask me.

39. What better wedding cake can you have that contains rainbows, flowers, and butterflies.

Is it just me, or does this cake seem to have been made by Lisa Frank on an acid trip or something?

Is it just me, or does this cake seem to have been made by Lisa Frank on an acid trip or something?

40. Of course, this cake shows that this couple is very serious when it comes, “till death do we part.”

Yet, why did they have to make the point about it with eyeballs, blood, and lopped off body parts, I don't have the slightest idea.

Yet, why did they have to make the point about it with eyeballs, blood, and lopped off body parts, I don’t have the slightest idea.

41. Oh, what a beautiful message to put on a wedding cake.

However, the cake topper with the bride wearing the pants bit is kind of a bit sexist if you ask me. Also, the writing seems to be melting.

However, the cake topper with the bride wearing the pants bit is kind of a bit sexist if you ask me. Also, the writing seems to be melting.

42. What kind of wedding cake wouldn’t be without butterflies?

Along with outlandish foliage that seems to come straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. Seriously, if your garden is like this cake, it needs weeding.

Along with outlandish foliage that seems to come straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. Seriously, if your garden is like this cake, it needs weeding.

43. You can never have too many flowers on a wedding cake.

Uh, yes, you certainly can as this cake points out since you could barely see it itself. Also, I'm pretty sure those flowers are fake.

Uh, yes, you certainly can as this cake points out since you could barely see it itself. Also, I’m pretty sure those flowers are fake.

44. Here is a wedding cake that was inspired by Aunt Bertha’s hat.

Seems like more money was spent on the cake decorations than the actual cake. Still, this looks so freaky.

Seems like more money was spent on the cake decorations than the actual cake. Still, this looks so freaky.

45. This wedding cake brings the festive spirit into any reception.

Then again, this cake kind of makes a lame show at it. Still, very colorful though but the "wow" factor is missing.

Then again, this cake kind of makes a lame show at it. Still, very colorful though but the “wow” factor is missing.

46. Of course, what better wedding cake for Star Wars fans than one of Jabba the Hut?

Actually, I can think of a lot of better Star Wars wedding cake ideas than this one. Also, have you notice that Jabba the Hut resembles an abnormally shaped turd from the back?

Actually, I can think of a lot of better Star Wars wedding cake ideas than this one. Also, have you notice that Jabba the Hut resembles an abnormally shaped turd from the back?

47. May God bless Sonia and BrianOliver on their wedding day.

Of course, this cake is bound to get a lot of giggles since the initials spell SOB. Couples, before you use monograms on your wedding cake, make sure they don't spell something that has a negative connotation or makes people laugh.

Of course, this cake is bound to get a lot of giggles since the initials spell SOB. Couples, before you use monograms on your wedding cake, make sure they don’t spell something that has a negative connotation or makes people laugh.

48. Nothing like a weapon cake that shows you’re flirting with disaster.

I don't know about you but this wedding cake contains all sorts of things that no wedding cake should have. I mean its supposed to be a happy occasion, not set to the scene of some action movie with plane crashes, gunfights, and blood everywhere.

I don’t know about you but this wedding cake contains all sorts of things that no wedding cake should have. I mean its supposed to be a happy occasion, not set to the scene of some action movie with plane crashes, gunfights, and blood everywhere.

49. Ain’t no wedding cake like one made out of snack food.

This is probably a way of saying "we spent all our money before we could think of a wedding cake so help yourself to some Hostess snack foods as our honored guests."

This is probably a way of saying “we spent all our money before we could think of a wedding cake so help yourself to some Hostess snack foods as our honored guests.”

50. And of course, what wedding wouldn’t be complete without a cake of a tree.

Particularly a sickly, sweating, morning after a bender during the reception and woke up next to a stranger tree. Yeah, not very convincing is it?

Particularly a sickly, sweating, morning after a bender during the reception and woke up next to a stranger tree. Yeah, not very convincing is it?

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: ACME Superhero Insurance

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Are you a superpowered or heavily equipped costumed vigilante who spends considerable amounts of time battling equally powerful bad guys who want to wreak mortal peril and havoc on the general public just for the heck of it?  While using your God given superpowers to save mankind, do you find yourself having to plow through buildings, demolishing half of a metropolitan area, or killing countless innocent civilians, having to temporarily “borrow” somethings you’ll probably forget about later, or jaywalking? Has your heroic antics led to rising costs of living in the city, potential lawsuits, and the lack of respect from your human beneficiaries due to causing collateral damage and the fact the villains usually keep coming back to fight another day?

Yes, we know that there are infamous supervillains roaming around the DC and Marvel as well other comic universes that can’t be stopped by your friendly neighborhood law enforcement agencies. Face it, a supervillain is just too powerful for local police to stop which is where superheroes like you come in to save the day. After all, if it wasn’t for you to stop the bad guy with your kick ass techno gadgets or God given superpowers, then whole cities would be destroyed and countless of civilians could be enslaved or dead. Perhaps the supervillain is planning some kind of apocalypse that needs to be thwarted or it could be the end of the world as we know it.

As everyone knows in the Marvel and DC as well as other comic book universes, extensive collateral damage is an endemic unfortunate side effect of practically every time superheroes and supervillains confront each other. Large parts of cities are leveled, countless buildings are smashed and destroyed, and weapons are fired in every direction potentially hitting innocent people. Oh, and there are explosions. Lots of explosions. Sure you’ve saved the day and everyone’s grateful enough to give you a ticker tape parade in your heroic efforts. Yet, after the celebrations die down, people aren’t going to be too happy with you since your efforts in making the world a safer place has its share of unfortunate consequences for your human beneficiaries. Superhero battles can cost civilians not just their lives, but also their homes, jobs, loved ones, property values, businesses, money, and other things, which could potentially lead you to be subject to class action lawsuits, criminal charges in property damage that could land you for years in a maximum security federal prison, accusations of terrorism, public disgrace, and other unfortunate outcomes that you probably can’t afford with your day job salary.

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Congratulations, it’s a Baby Shower Cake!

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Ah, baby showers, a gathering to celebrate a child’s birth by presenting gifts to the kid’s mother (who’s usually pregnant at the time). Sure these are usually occasions for women with cutesy gifts and decorations included as well. Oh, and there’s usually a cake there, too. Of course, I could go on and on about how all the cute cakes you see at baby showers but you’d probably barf to such saccharine suggestions. Instead I’m going to show you some of the most disturbing and inappropriate cakes that that have been used to commemorate such occasions which may not be safe for work. Let’s just say that there are all so many examples of bakers perhaps taking their creativity too far or maybe these events aren’t as cutesy as many would think it would be. So without further adieu, here are some outlandish cakes that have been used to greet all those little bundles of joy.

1. What better way to greet the little shit machine than with a cake to remind the mother to be of what’s in store for the next three to four years?

Sure this is one of the less anticipated moments of parenting but do you have to have a cake of what a baby’s diaper looks like from the inside? Seriously, this is disgusting.

2. Congratulations on the impending birth of your new, demon child?

Seriously, I think Damien would be the better choice for the creepy baby on the TV set than Ethan. Also, if he’s the fifth kid in the family, then you shouldn’t be having a baby shower. Still, maybe it’s for the dad who’s an alien or something since the baby tends to very much look like it’s from another world or Hell.

3. Now here’s a cake that depicts why we’re celebrating this occasion from the microscopic point of view.

Well, let's say if any children are around, this cake would provide them a good opportunity of how babies are made. Seriously, what's with the egg and sperm thing?

Well, let’s say if any children are around, this cake would provide them a good opportunity of how babies are made. Seriously, what’s with the egg and sperm thing? And why do all the sperm have smiley faces on them as if they’re happy for their buddy to fertilize the egg?

4. Now here’s a cake that provides a simulated view of what the baby looks like up close and personal.

I’m perfectly fine with showing ultrasound images but not on such a tacky cake display such as this. Besides, I think this is kind of too up close and personal.

5. Now here’s a cake that depicts an image from an anatomy textbook.

I guess the baker figured that a cross section image from sex-ed was the perfect inspiration for this design. Let's just say when I go to a baby shower, the last thing I want to remember is health class.

I guess the baker figured that a cross section image from sex-ed was the perfect inspiration for this design. Let’s just say when I go to a baby shower, the last thing I want to remember is health class.

6. Now here’s a perfect cake for those throwing a baby shower during hunting season.

The fact that the torso's decked in camouflage with a baby footprint protruding  from it makes it all the more disturbing. Doesn't help that the camouflage from the mother's stomach bears a remarkable resemblance to blood vessels.

The fact that the torso’s decked in camouflage with a baby footprint protruding from it and a popped up belly button makes it all the more disturbing. Doesn’t help that the camouflage from the mother’s stomach bears a remarkable resemblance to blood vessels.

7. Nothing says about the ups and downs of parenthood than a cake with a dirty diaper.

On second thought, chocolate syrup seems to bear a remarkable resemblance to poo now that I think of it.

On second thought, chocolate syrup seems to bear a remarkable resemblance to poo now that I think of it.

8. There’s nothing like a baby shower cake that states the reason for such celebration in the most crassest way possible.

Someone in this baby shower seems to be a huge fan of that stupid Seth Rogen movie for some reason. Still, I'm sure that the guest of honor at this thing knew about it for months.

Someone in this baby shower seems to be a huge fan of that stupid Seth Rogen movie for some reason. Still, I’m sure that the guest of honor at this thing knew about it for months.

9. Now here’s a cake that seems to take some inspiration from a sex ed animation.

Is is just me or does the baker have some side job in medical illustration. Still, now that's how babies are made, kids, at least in the technical aspects as well as what a woman's reproductive system looks like upon fertilization. Also, what kind of name is Gentri, seriously?

Is is just me or does the baker have some side job in medical illustration. Still, now that’s how babies are made, kids, at least in the technical aspects as well as what a woman’s reproductive system looks like upon fertilization. Also, what kind of name is Gentri, seriously?

10. Nothing says baby shower like a cake reminding the guest of honor of the tribulations of labor with the encouragement from an iconic childhood character.

Sure induce further trauma of giving birth by including the Cat in the Hat. Makes one not think the same way about Dr. Suess ever again. Why not have Thing 1 and Thing 2 assist with the delivery. Also, why did the baker have to be so graphic about this?

11. What better baby shower cake to have than a cake depicting Spencer the Spermazoa, mascot from WTFU.

I think this is a baby shower cake for guys but I’m not sure. Also, I heard WTFU’s Spiking Spermazoa have a lousy record in college football and basketball.

12. And if you like cupcakes what better way to commemorate a baby shower than ones with chocolate sperm.

Actually they kind of more or less resemble creepy chocolate tadpoles. Perhaps these are better at a gathering for amphibian enthusiasts instead of baby showers.

Actually they kind of more or less resemble creepy chocolate tadpoles. Perhaps these are better at a gathering for amphibian enthusiasts instead of baby showers.

13. What better way to say congratulations to the new parents than with a cookie cake just stating the obvious but in a way you wouldn’t say to kids.

Let's just say there's a reason why we don't include the word "genitals" in cakes. Still, this is like "congratulations for the new baby" in the most inappropriate way possible.

Let’s just say there’s a reason why we don’t include the word “genitals” in cakes. Still, this is like “congratulations for the new baby” in the most inappropriate way possible.

14. What way to celebrate the coming of a new baby than depict a delivery scene that would be akin to a horror movie.

Seriously, this cake would be much more appropriate for Halloween than a baby shower. The use of a baby doll covered in strawberry syrup kind of makes this cake even more nightmarish. Perhaps it's enough to make any pregnant woman opt for a c-section.

Seriously, this cake would be much more appropriate for Halloween than a baby shower. The use of a baby doll covered in strawberry syrup kind of makes this cake even more nightmarish. Perhaps it’s enough to make any pregnant woman opt for a c-section.

15. Nothing says adorable than seeing a sweet baby in its blankie.

Except this baby wants to devour your soul through your lactating teets than be fed from the baby bottle. Seriously, this is is pretty creepy if you think about it.

Except this baby wants to devour your soul through your lactating teets than be fed from the baby bottle. Seriously, this is is pretty creepy if you think about it.

16. What could be better baby shower cake than to have one depicting who the mother works for (or just got fired from).

I suppose this baby shower cake  was for the woman at Hooters known for getting way too friendly with the customers.

I suppose this baby shower cake was for the woman at Hooters known for getting way too friendly with the customers.

17. Aw, what would be a more heartwarming cake than one with the parents rubbing the mother’s tummy and going through the journey of parenthood together.

On second thought, does the woman have four hands or do they belong to two different people? Also, this is kind of creepy if you ask me.

On second thought, does the woman have four hands or do they belong to two different people? Also, this is kind of creepy if you ask me.

18. Now here’s a cake on how the whole thing happened.

Look, even with the plant references, this cake still reminds me of health class in high school. Seriously, we get it now and no, this narrative doesn't make this cake any more adorable.

Look, even with the plant references, this cake still reminds me of health class in high school. Seriously, we get it now and no, this narrative doesn’t make this cake any more adorable.

19. Finally, a cake to show where the action is.

Look, we've all been to sex-ed and we know what happens in the uterus once the egg is fertilized. Also, the cookie fetus is pretty creepy.

Look, we’ve all been to sex-ed and we know what happens in the uterus once the egg is fertilized. Also, the cookie fetus is pretty creepy.

20. What better way to commemorate the arrival of a new bundle of joy than to have a cake that depicts the inevitability all mothers to be may have to face.

What the hell is that flesh thing coming from that torso's stomach? It sure doesn't look like a baby to me. Also, these pregnant torso cakes are pretty tacky if you ask me.

What the hell is that flesh thing coming from that torso’s stomach? It sure doesn’t look like a baby to me. Also, these pregnant torso cakes are pretty tacky if you ask me.

21. Nothing says baby shower like having a cake with a creepy baby doll who wants to kill you.

Aw, look at her blank soulless eyes. Who's mommy's future little serial killer? You are, you are. Seriously, this baby is showing signs of being a sociopath.

Aw, look at her blank soulless eyes. Who’s mommy’s future little serial killer? You are, you are. Seriously, this baby is showing signs of being a sociopath.

22. Nothing welcomes a new baby home than having a cake contain his ultrasound images.

Maybe ultrasound images of fetuses should be in cards and such, not on cakes. Oh, God, no please.

Maybe ultrasound images of fetuses should be in cards and such, not on cakes. Oh, God, no please.

23. Aw, what a lovely cake to greet God’s little angel.

Wait a minute, is this for a baby shower or a baby funeral? Seriously, that cross kind of makes it disturbing. Of course, in Rick Bobby's opinion, this is a cake of Baby Jesus.

Wait a minute, is this for a baby shower or a baby funeral? Seriously, that cross kind of makes it disturbing. Of course, in Rick Bobby’s opinion, this is a cake of Baby Jesus.

24. Nothing says “welcome baby” than a cake depicting a scene in the delivery room.

I don't know about you bud doesn't the doctor instruments on the baby table seem a little terrifying to you? I don't know about you but it seems that bakers can't traumatize us enough.

I don’t know about you bud doesn’t the doctor instruments on the baby table seem a little terrifying to you? I don’t know about you but it seems that bakers can’t traumatize us enough.

25. This baby shower was sponsored by Pampers.

Seriously, if this isn't some kind of product placement cake, then I don't know what is. Still, a diaper cake, why?

Seriously, if this isn’t some kind of product placement cake, then I don’t know what is. Still, a diaper cake, why?

26. Nothing says “welcome baby” than a little baby about the crawl into your nightmares.

God, that baby is ugly and creepy as hell. Probably better suited as a Halloween cake since it doesn't even look like a baby to me.

God, that baby is ugly and creepy as hell. Probably better suited as a Halloween cake since it doesn’t even look like a baby to me.

27. There ain’t no baby like a gangsta baby.

What’s with the cigars, seriously? Still, no matter what your taste in music is, you got to agree with me that this is in very bad taste, according to some people.

28. Nothing says “welcome baby” than a pregnant torso cake with limbs bursting out of it.

This is horrifying and it kind of reminds me of some kind of horror movie in which the monster bursts out of someone's stomach or something like that.

This is horrifying and it kind of reminds me of some kind of horror movie in which the monster bursts out of someone’s stomach or something like that.

29. There’s nothing so adorable than a cake of a baby’s bottom and a lobster.

Looks more like a red scorpion to me and we know those are poisonous. Also, I think the idea of baby bottom cakes is a very tacky idea if you ask me.

Looks more like a red scorpion to me and we know those are poisonous. Also, I think the idea of baby bottom cakes is a very tacky idea if you ask me.

30. Nothing says, “welcome baby” than a cake of an infant fresh from the delivery room.

This is simply terrifying. Whoever thought this was a creative idea for a baby shower cake, ought to have his head examined. Seriously, this isn’t cute at all, especially the fact that the baby is blue, making the cake even more disturbing in the process.

31. Congratulations, it’s uh, baby. Can you tell me what the hell that is?

This cake reminds me of that Saint Vincent DePaul statue with the children at my alma mater Saint Vincent College. Let's just say that sculptor didn't know how to draw kids which gave it an aura of creepiness like this cake does. The child in this cake is butt ugly and doesn't seem to resemble a baby at all. Also, it looks too young to be Benjamin Button.

This cake reminds me of that Saint Vincent DePaul statue with the children at my alma mater Saint Vincent College. Let’s just say that sculptor didn’t know how to draw kids which gave it an aura of creepiness like this cake does. The child in this cake is butt ugly and doesn’t seem to resemble a baby at all. Also, it looks too young to be Benjamin Button.

32. Aw, take a look at this adorable cake of a little baby in the tub.

Never in the history of the world has anyone depicted such an activity of innocence in such a nightmarish way possible. I mean a baby in the tub should be seen as adorable but this cake is simply terrifying.

Never in the history of the world has anyone depicted such an activity of innocence in such a nightmarish way possible. I mean a baby in the tub should be seen as adorable but this cake is simply terrifying.

33. Nothing says “welcome twins” like a cake in which the babies resemble kidneys.

Seriously, are they supposed to be in a uterus or something else. Because that does not look like a uterus at all. Looks more like a fruit of some sort if you ask me.

34. Nothing says “welcome baby” than seeing one in a cake.

Seriously, this baby doll in cake thing is creeping me out. Also, how did they bake that or at least get that baby in the cake?

35. Finally a cake with an exhausted expectant mother in labor on her hospital bed.

Hey, at least they didn't depict a cake with a c-section. Still, why have a cake depicting this? Why? I mean she has bloodshot eyes, for God's sake.

Hey, at least they didn’t depict a cake with a c-section. Still, why have a cake depicting this? Why? I mean she has bloodshot eyes, for God’s sake.

36. Congratulations it’s a Ooompa Loompa?

Then again, maybe being a slave laborer at Willie Wonka’s factory isn’t so bad after all as this cake shows. Yet, their offspring are fairly ugly if you know what I mean.

37. Aw, such an adorable cake with twins in a basket to show a mother to be’s double bundle of joy.

These babies are the spawn of Satan and are hungry for your soul. Take them away! Take them away!

These babies are the spawn of Satan and are hungry for your soul. Take them away! Take them away!

38. Finally, a baby shower cake for little green aliens to enjoy.

After all, little green men are people, too, even if their kids freak you out at one time. Yet, strangely the parents intend to name their new son with the Earth name of Tristan. Perhaps this might be the case since Orgarth and Mosal figured that a name from their planet would get their son beat up in school.

After all, little green men are people, too, even if their kids freak you out at one time. Yet, strangely the parents intend to name their new son with the Earth name of Tristan. Perhaps this might be the case since Orgarth and Mosal figured that a name from their planet would get their son beat up in school.

39. Congratulations and may your little girl make a lovely little addition to the Dark side of the Force.

Either this, or that the expectant mother's friends are trying to tell her that she needs a divorce and that her husband would make a terrible dad. That, or just that she may really be into Star Wars for some reason. Seriously, Darth Vader on a baby shower cake? You know this is a guy who cut off his son's hand and blew up his daughter's planet.

Either this, or that the expectant mother’s friends are trying to tell her that she needs a divorce and that her husband would make a terrible dad. That, or just that she may really be into Star Wars for some reason. Seriously, Darth Vader on a baby shower cake? You know this is a guy who cut off his son’s hand and blew up his daughter’s planet.

40. Playboy Bunny bra over enormous boobs? Check. Foot protruding out of stomach? Check. Ultrasound image of baby? Check.

Does anyone think that a Playboy Bunny bra on big boobs on these pregnant torso cakes seem like a covert way of saying what a skank the expectant mother is? I mean seriously, everyone knows that Playboy is a porno magazine created by some old guy who has a harem of scantily clad young women at his own mansion.

41. Finally a baby shower cake for the mother to be who would give birth in a tub.

Seriously, why make a cake of this? How the expectant mother wants in a delivery should be her own personal business, not something to announce to the world.

Seriously, why make a cake of this? How the expectant mother wants in a delivery should be her own personal business, not something to announce to the world.

42. Congratulations it’s a baby human-monkey hybrid.

Look, I’m fine with whatever you do in your personal life but I’m not a fan of bestiality even if it’s between women or chimps. Either that, or whoever designed this cake is really terrible at monkeys for some reason for it looks strangely humanoid. This would’ve been a better baby shower cake if this was Planet of the Apes.

43. Congratulations on your new chest bursting alien that will probably strike you dead.

This would've been a perfectly appropriate baby shower cake for Sigourney Weaver, assuming that she didn't have any kids before the Alien franchise movies. Hey, at least the alien doesn't burst out of a woman's chest in the actual movie, it bursts out of a guy's.

This would’ve been a perfectly appropriate baby shower cake for Sigourney Weaver, assuming that she didn’t have any kids before the Alien franchise movies. Hey, at least the alien doesn’t burst out of a woman’s chest in the actual movie, it bursts out of a guy’s.

44. Congratulations, uh, who’s Jason here?

Either this is a baby shower cake for an expectant dad named Jason. Or Jason is the unborn baby who has been determined to be a boy. Either way, it's kind of freaky to have a sperm in scuba gear if you know what I mean.

Either this is a baby shower cake for an expectant dad named Jason. Or Jason is the unborn baby who has been determined to be a boy. Either way, it’s kind of freaky to have a sperm in scuba gear if you know what I mean.

45. Finally, a bad baby shower cake for the undead expectant mother.

Seriously that baby looks like a monstrosity like a zombie hungry for brains. Also, I didn't know zombies could even reproduce on their own either.

Seriously that baby looks like a monstrosity like a zombie hungry for brains. Also, I didn’t know zombies could even reproduce on their own either.

46. Finally, a baby shower cake that gives the term, “baby carrots” a whole new meaning.

I don't know about you, but I kind of find the idea of a clone army naked  babies with mohawks riding carrots kind of terrifying if you ask me.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of find the idea of a clone army naked babies with mohawks riding carrots kind of terrifying if you ask me.

47. Nothing says, “welcome baby” than a cake depicting a big boobed mother nursing her bundle of joy.

Either the designer was a guy who frequented strip clubs on a regular basis or this cake was originally made for a bachelor party of some sort but cancelled at the last minute. If it's the latter, then the baby was probably a last second addition.

Either the designer was a guy who frequented strip clubs on a regular basis or this cake was originally made for a bachelor party of some sort but cancelled at the last minute. If it’s the latter, then the baby was probably a last second addition.

48. Finally, a cake that tells an expectant mother exactly what her friends and relatives are thinking about her unplanned pregnancy.

Of course, this cake features a pregnant Marge Simpson whose story seems fairly similar to the slogan. Then again, I guess you could do worse than Homer even if he is kind of a jerk at times. Nevertheless, it’s a pretty bad way to rub it in.

49. Nothing could be a better baby shower cake than one with a fetus you can see through the the stomach.

Honestly, who's idea was this nightmarish disaster? I mean the cake has a baby in a gelatin stomach on it. This is creepy beyond all reason.

Honestly, who’s idea was this nightmarish disaster? I mean the cake has a baby in a gelatin stomach on it. This is creepy beyond all reason.

50. Finally, a baby shower cake befitting for a mother-to-be in the adult entertainment industry.

Looks like the naked lady from the pick up truck mudflaps got herself  in the family way. I hope that doesn't hurt her career as a figure on stuff for perverts.

Looks like the naked lady from the pick up truck mudflaps got herself in the family way. I hope that doesn’t hurt her career as a figure on stuff for perverts.

History of the World According to the Movies: Part 94 – General History: Daily Life

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If you think Barry Lyndon is too boring or depressing outlook on life in the 18th century, here is the 1963 Oscar winning film Tom Jones which is based on the 1749 comic novel The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling by Henry Fielding. Though it doesn’t really provide an ideal portrait of life at the time, it nevertheless shows an accurate one. Still, even so, it continues to remind us that people living in the 18th century (or any other time in history) were just like everyone else, whores, bad table manners, and all.

Of course, I couldn’t end my movie history series without doing a post on daily life. Let’s just say while movies could show our perception of history, this doesn’t mean it played out like it actually did. Let’s just say if we used Smell-O-Vision in the historical film standpoint, you’d probably wouldn’t be able to see the movie since you’d be out of the theater by then. Still, we all know that those living in the past weren’t nearly as attractive as the actors we see onscreen as I’ve written on my previous posts and they probably didn’t talk the same either. Yet, we kind of let that slide for spectacle purposes. Nevertheless, sometimes the past  is seen as a more ideal time than it actually was, especially for those who grew up at that time. In movie history, we tend to remember some of the warm and fuzzy things about the past (though we don’t tend to ignore some parts though) like how great the clothes were, how exciting the battles were like, and how people seemed to be so polite and formal to each other. Yet, we tend to forget that sometimes the outfits were uncomfortable and not weather accommodating, how wars weren’t really that much fun for the soldiers involved, and that people could be quite vicious toward each other and didn’t always have such concept as equality. Still, there are things movies get wrong about daily life in the past which I shall list.

Health:

No matter the time and place and regardless of social class, everyone was able to receive adequate dental care and retain a full set of teeth even if your dentist was the local blacksmith with no formal dental training and there was no one in sight for miles. (Of course, every American knows the story of Washington’s teeth.)

Infant mortality was almost nonexistent. (Despite the fact that childbirth was considered a dangerous part of a woman’s life and infancy was the most dangerous time in a child’s life before modern medicine. Also, half of all children in Victorian England didn’t see their fifth birthday.)

Diseases never altered appearances despite the fact that many of them were untreatable.

Constant coughing always meant tuberculosis or some deadly respiratory disease.

Most people aged faster and died at a young age. (Of course, average lifespans were low but this was mostly due to the fact that there were so many infant and childhood deaths. Not only that but people of any age often fell victim to now-treatable injuries and illnesses {such as complications from childbirth}. Sure a life of hard work and poor diet took its toll, aging progressed as much as it does today. While living past 80 was rather rare, it wasn’t unheard of. After all, Ramses II lived to be 90 and was Pharaoh for 66 years, which was about two thousand years before Christ.)

Tar and feathering didn’t cause that much damage and could be easily overcome. (Unlike Dustin Hoffman’s character in Little Big Man, being tarred and feathered either resulted in death or if he survived not looking the same way again. In tarring and feathering, the subject would tend to have perhaps severe burns as well as hair ripped out. I mean everyone would remember what was done to you and it was never easy to overcome, if it was ever possible.)

No one worried about catching tuberculosis even around people who hung around them on a regular basis. (TB is a highly contagious disease which was considered untreatable. Then again, according to The Magic Mountain, sometimes it affect some worse than others.)

Cat o’ nine tails flogging didn’t leave any permanent scars on people’s backs. (This flogging could scar a person’s back for life as evidence by the photos of slaves.)

Women:

Women always shaved their legs and still looked well made up with perfect hair after a whole day of housework and child rearing. They also gave birth to big babies and usually lost the pregnancy weight very quickly. (Actually the last part I was making fun of how most babies in films look no less than 3 months old, even if portrayed as a newborn.)

Women of European descent had bones of steel since they could wear a huge dress with a tightly lace corset without suffocating and little damage to their body. (Wearing a huge dress was no fun and many women couldn’t breathe in a corset. Also, did damage to their internal organs.)

Women had long hair that they let flowing free. (Unless they were Ancient Roman prostitutes, but most women in history usually bound their hair to keep it clean from the elements they’d come in contact with or while doing housework.)

Women usually wore white at their wedding. (This was not standard until the Victorian Era and started by Queen Victoria herself.

Before then, it was usually blue, red, purple, or any other color embroidered and brocaded with white and silver thread for rich girls. Not to mention, well off girls did have many white outfits during the 1800s. In Sweden before the 1920s, brides wore black. For poor girls, it was usually their Sunday best. Not to mention, white easily stained and before there were better cleaning methods, wearing white was usually reserved for the upper classes.)

Women were expected to be virgins until marriage. (In some eras and cultures, yes, but for most of history, most guys would be just as happy if she was pretty, rich, young, and healthy enough to have children, strong enough to tend house, and not closely related. And even when a girl’s virginity was emphasized, so was the guy’s as well at times and usually among aristocratic circles. Not to mention, it wasn’t uncommon for a widowed mother to remarry soon after her husband’s death mostly for financial security. Not only that, but marrying a master’s widow was usually how a journeyman tradesman landed his own shop.)

Women between the 16th and the early 20th century wore their hair down in public. (Long tresses in public were considered risqué at the time. Women’s hair was usually pinned up at all times except bedtime or sickness.)

All women were expected to be housewives. (Well, this is a bit complicated but a woman’s role in life depended on her social status, especially in a pre-industrial society. Yet, in the Western World, the idea of women being solely mothers and wives didn’t come to be until the Victorian era. Sure women were expected to be wives and mothers as well as do housework {yet not always in their own house} but they also had to work, too, or at least assist their husband in their jobs. Wives of craftsmen often helped their husbands and could keep running his business in widowhood. Women who were poor or working class either worked in the factories or on the farms like their families did because they simply couldn’t afford to stay home.)

Sex:

Everyone married as teenagers until very recent times. (Ancient times, maybe. Modern times, not so much except maybe in Third-World countries. Though there were marriages that involved teenagers, most of them were concentrated among the upper classes and even then, consummation had to wait until the bride could safely deliver a child {since the teenager involved would almost always be the girl}. Still, though 13 year old mothers did exist in those days, 13 year old brides usually didn’t sleep with their husbands until they were 16 at least {or older depending on the age of the husband}. Everyone else worked and saved money, trained as apprentices or journeymen, or waited for the old man to die until they got married in their mid-twenties when they could afford to. Thus, despite that people didn’t live as long then as we do now, the average marrying age has seldom changed at least as the western world since the Middle Ages is concerned. )

Almost every historical figure was straight or asexual unless hinted otherwise. (There may not be much evidence to determine a person’s sexual orientation but there has been more evidence when it came to historical figures engaging in homosexual acts.)

Until recent times, everyone was conceived and born in wedlock unless stated otherwise. (Actually, the definition of wedlock has been loosely defined ranging from being married in the modern sense to just shacking up. Also, St. Paul says nothing in his letters about cohabitation before marriage because such a concept didn’t even exist. And until recent times, the notion of “common law” marriage was legal and widely practiced. Until recently, even when a couple did cohabit, most of the time they referred to each other “husband and wife” or “roommates” depending on sexual orientation. Not to mention, shotgun weddings in history were very common, since there was a popular saying that the first baby could come at any time after the wedding while the second always took 9 months.)

Children remained innocent and didn’t know anything about the birds and the bees. (Despite the fact that families tended to sleep in one room and at one time, most kids lived on subsistence farms for much of history. Not to mention, most ancient and medieval kids didn’t know anything about privacy. Sex education wasn’t needed then.)

Cousin marriage occurred quite frequently. (Sure there were famous people who married their first cousins like Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Edgar Allan Poe, and Jerry Lee Lewis. Sure first cousin marriage was accepted and happened more often to some degree but not to that kind of extent. Also, unlike today, it wasn’t uncommon for people to view even distant cousins as “cousins” as long as it was known they had a traceable common ancestor. And marriages between distant cousins happened much more frequently since they were more likely to occupy the same social status {this explains Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt who were 5th cousins}, especially if the marriage was arranged.)

Cousin marriages led to birth defects. (Cousin marriages may double the risk of birth defects but that’s only an increase from 2% to 4% as long as it is a one-time thing in the gene pool and there hasn’t been much family intermarriage in previous generations. Now in families in which the members only marry their cousins and have only done so over generation, then you may end up having a child who looks like Charles II of Spain. But then again, there were plenty of Hapsburgs who married their nieces or nephews as well, which doesn’t do their children’s genes any favors. Not to mention, notice by “cousin” I’m only talking about first cousins since first cousin marriage is pretty much illegal in most states while most old time aristocrats married their second cousins, and most people don’t know who their third cousins are.)

Contraception didn’t exist until the 20th century. (Maybe as we know it but people have always tried to find ways to control their fertility and avoid pregnancy since they knew about the basics of sex and procreation. Yet, you don’t want to know what your ancestors used as contraception. Still, what I can say is that the idea of safe sex and STD prevention is new since until the advent of latex condoms and sanitation, the only STD protection was abstinence.)

There were no gay people until recent times. (Gay people have always existed in every culture throughout history yet sometimes it depended how openly.)

City Life:

Urban waterways were always clean and crystal clear before cities had modern municipal sanitation. (Then why did a lot of European children drink alcohol for centuries then? I mean modern water treatment was invented for a reason because you wouldn’t want to drink whatever was in those shit infested waterways at the time.)

City roads were always clean. (Except the fact that horses normally took a crap in the streets and people dumped their bodily waste out the window for centuries {during a tour of the Confederate White House, I found out that Jefferson Davis and his family flushed their bodily contents out into the street}. Sometimes people went to the bathroom out into the street.)

The city air was always clean and breathable. (From the 19th century to the 1980s, it wasn’t uncommon for Pittsburgh’s street lights to come on at noon. Also, there have been notable smog attacks in history.)
Landscapes:

Cemeteries were perfectly pleasant places to walk in during the 18th early 19th century. (By this time churchyard burial crowds grew so crowded that it proved challenging to find fresh spots to dig for fear of previous corpses’ body parts coming up when the gravedigger stuck in the shovel. Not to mention the smell of churchyards filling up with layer after layer of corpses became so unpleasant if not dangerous that the tradition of the bereaved attending grave-side services was often abandoned. Then there’s the fact that gravediggers had to drill a hole into a coffin to make room for new arrivals. They would then install a tube to draw off the gases from purification which would be burned off to make the coffin safe for handling {which could take 20 minutes}. One report said, “to inhale the gas, undiluted with atmospheric air, is instant death.” Until later in the 19th century, urban churchyards were actually environmental disaster areas you wouldn’t want to visit and this wasn’t due to people believing in ghosts. I mean 18th and early 19th century graveyards were places you’d want to avoid.)

Farm villages had nice gravel paths.

Estate lawns were always well manicured. (Despite that most of the landscaping would be done by animals like goats and sheep. However, they didn’t do as well as having a regular tractor or lawn mower would.)

Prostitution was seen as immoral. (Yes, but it was actually tolerated for much of history such as in the Middle Ages. Not only that, but there was much more prostitution {and certainly a lot more prostitutes since it was one of the few opportunities for poor women at the time} in the past than nowadays. Still, it’s no wonder that prostitution is seen as “The World’s Oldest Profession” since almost all ancient civilizations had practiced some kind of sex for currency. There’s a mention of it in Herodotus and in the Code of Hammurabi. Not only that, but it might even be older than humanity itself since Bonobos have been observed trading sexual favors for food, meaning it might go back for millions of years.)

Buildings:

Archaeological monuments were always riddled with booby-traps to protect their treasures from being stolen by robbers and future archaeologists.

No matter how much a building is bombed, you can bet it will still have running water and electricity if available.

No matter what time and place, almost everyone had houses with glass windows. (For a long time in history, window glass was expensive, especially in the 18th century. Also, many people who planned to emigrate to America were advised to take their windows with them. In early America, it wasn’t uncommon for people to remove and store their windows for safekeeping while they were away from home.)

Since the early 1800s, people used modern turning doorknobs. (These were rare during most of the 1800s and weren’t patented until 1878.)

No matter what time and place, most buildings had glass windows. (Since window glass was expensive before industrialization, only the rich can afford them. And even then, they would only put glass windows in certain buildings like their houses. Not sure about public buildings though but I know churches had them.)

Infrastructure:

Roads were always clean and navigable.

Animals:

Horses never took a dump in the street.

Hygiene:

Nobody used a bathroom or discussed bodily functions in any way, shape, or form. (Even though jokes about bodily functions are probably among the oldest on record.)

Urine wasn’t used for anything. (Let’s just say people in history had a lot of uses for urine such as tanning leather, laundry detergent, gun powder, teeth whitener, medicine {18th century doctors used it for almost anything}, and other things.)

No matter what time and place people always managed to wash their hair. (Maybe, but there are so many movies with people having clean hair when they shouldn’t, especially if it’s set during the Age of Sail.)

Communication:

Despite the cultural divides, people were able to communicate with each other without the use of a translator. (If this was true in real life, George Washington wouldn’t have fucked up in Fort Necessity.)

No matter what time or place, everyone wrote on paper. (This partly true because people in ancient and medieval times in the western world did write on a kind of paper like papyrus, parchment, and vellum. However, paper as we know was invented by the Chinese in the second century and didn’t come to Europe until the 13th century.)

All languages always had a formal spelling system.

Printing wasn’t used until the time of Johannes Gutenberg. (Monks actually used some type of printing by carving a whole page on wood during the Middle Ages while the Chinese had printing blocks. Gutenberg only came up with the notion of moveable type which was much more efficient and set off a revolution.)

British people always spoke in modern British accents. (Let’s just say if the movie takes place in England before 1800 and one of the characters is played by an American actor who can’t master an accent {say, Humphrey Bogart}, it probably won’t make much difference. I mean we don’t know how people sounded like before sound recording anyway.)

Quill pens could be used over and over again without having to be redipped in the same inkwell. (Quill pens need to be redipped into the inkwell frequently.)

Quill pens could be used in any temperature setting. (Thomas Jefferson once noted he had to stop writing one night because the ink from his pen kept freezing.)

Messengers had an easy time doing their job. (Sorry, but messengers didn’t have it easy since they had to travel miles {either running or horseback} and their lives were often at risk. Have you ever heard the phrase Don’t Shoot the Messenger?)

Dress:

Everyone dressed in modest clothes. (For the time, maybe but we did have codpieces in the 1500s and cleavage and pushed up boobs were all the rage in 17th and 18th century Europe. Also, when women wore long drawers in the 19th century, they opened at the crotch {so the woman wouldn’t have to lift her hoop skirts up to go to the bathroom}, which explains why the can-can was considered obscene. Ancient Greek athletes participated in the Olympic Games naked. Ancient Egyptian children ran around nude and seeing a topless woman in Minoan Crete was a rather common sight as well as in Egypt. Actually almost anything the Egyptians wore would be considered overly skimpy by today’s standards. Also, there was no such thing as underwear or pajamas until the Industrial Revolution.)

The Dutch wore wooden shoes. (Wooden shoes were worn by the poorer classes of Europe.)

From the Middle Ages on, women always wore underwear. (Well, to a point. But when it comes to underwear as we know it, not really. Female convicts were burned at the stake to preserve modesty, especially in the Middle Ages when most people didn’t really wear any. Not to mention, wearing billowing skirts with underwear sometimes made things difficult to go to the bathroom {but it made it perfectly acceptable for women to pee standing up}. So for a medieval woman, lifting her skirt could result in exposing her genitalia. And even when women had underwear, they still ran the risk of exposing their genitals in public because such garments were designed with a split crotch to allow them to go to the bathroom without having to reach through her skirt and pull down their drawers. So you might as well say that modern women’s underwear didn’t come out until at least the early 20th century.)

No one appeared naked in public. (Have you ever seen ancient artworks?)

Only women wore corsets. (Men wore them during special occasions, too, especially in the 19th century.)

Makeup was always safe to use and didn’t cause any disfigurement, health problems, or death whatsoever. (Despite that lead was a makeup base for hundreds of years which actually caused those three things.)

Women’s clothes never limited physical mobility or caused any health problems whatsoever. (Corsets, hoop skirts, and other old women’s fashions caused their share of health issues for women.)

People always wore left and right oriented shoes. (Such footwear was invented in 1850.)

It wasn’t unusual for clothes to have zippers attached on them. (Zippers were invented in 1891 so much of its attachment on clothing on many historical films before the 20th century is anachronistic.)

Clothing was of regular size. (Well, sometimes, but from many outfits I’ve seen in a museum, much of the clothing looks incredibly tiny.)

Diamond engagement rings were a long standing tradition. (Contrary to a lot of movies, this is only a tradition that dates back to the early 20th century after World War I usually as a way for a man to tell his girlfriend that he actually meant to marry her and wasn’t just proposing to get sex, which was a big deal considering that the early part of the interwar era was the 1920s {a period when pre-marital sex wasn’t as much taboo but birth control wasn’t widely available and slut shaming single mothers was common}. The DeBeers ran with it from there. Yet, the diamond engagement ring tradition did evolve from the notion of common engagement gifts as acrostic jewelry with the initial of the set gems spelling out words or names, and the piece didn’t always have to be a ring. As for wedding bands, well, they’ve been around since the Middle Ages or earlier {yet only for women for rather obvious reasons}, but the idea of men wearing wedding rings is a relatively newer idea.)

Bell-bottom pants appeared in the 1960s and 1970s. (They were invented in the 1920s.)

Kilts were a traditional Scottish garment. (They were around in Scotland in the 1500s which is too late for Braveheart and tartan didn’t develop until that time either and the idea that there was a particular tartan associated with the clans of Scotland stems back to the 19th century in Victorian England, not Scotland. Yet, they were worn by upper class men in Ancient Egypt. They were also seen as the default male garment in many ancient societies like in Ancient Greece except for those with a tradition of horseback riding {they wore pants since they offered a greater protection from chafing}. Still, as with kilts, you’re more likely to see Ramses II in one than William Wallace.)

Pants and jackets were relatively new clothing items. (People were wearing both of these during the Ice Age. Also, the sewing needle is 40,000 years old.)

Children:

Orphanages were usually homes to orphans. (Also to kids who were abandoned for being born out of wedlock as well as kids whose parents were too poor to feed them and kids who were homeless.)

Getting over loss of children was easier back in the day because child mortality was common. (It wasn’t any easier.)

Teddy bears had been toys for children for hundreds of years. (Teddy Bears have been around since 1902.)

Impoverished children could walk as well as possess all four limbs with all their digits. (Many children who were living in poverty during the 19th century would’ve been working in the factories, mines, or other facilities under very unsafe conditions for very long hours and a pittance. Add to that diseases, poor hygiene and malnutrition.)

Family:

Almost everyone lived in nuclear families unless specified otherwise. (Blended families and multiple generations living under one roof were a very common sight. Not to mention, people who lost a spouse usually remarried mostly due to necessity. Also, most Chinese and Indian children today are usually looked after by their grandparents.)

Fathers were always the head of their family. (It actually depended on the culture and who the most senior member of the household. In many Native American societies, descent and family allegiance came from the mother and many times the head of the family was Grandma. Not only that, but in these types of societies it wasn’t uncommon for the kids to be subject to the male authority of their maternal uncle, not their dad. In some Native American cultures, tribal headship was often passed on between brothers or from maternal uncle to nephew. In certain patrilineal societies with multi-generational households, the head of the family was usually the most senior male whether it be Grandpa or a paternal uncle such as in China.)

Teenage children often lived with their parents. (Well, most of the time in history. Yet, this doesn’t apply to those in the craft professions and the noble classes between the Middle Ages and the 19th century since they were usually sent to a foster family, master craftsman, or a boarding school once they hit a certain age. If not, then they usually started working under their parents or at another household.This was because it was popularly held that parents shouldn’t teach their own kids.)

Children were encouraged to read. (Thanks to the popularity of television and video games, yet before that reading was a primary form of entertainment with parents viewing “excessive reading” as more of an issue than “not reading enough.”)

Food and Drink:

People used sugar lumps in their tea from the 17th century. (Sugar cubes were invented in 1840.)

Food products were always genuine, edible, safe, and organic. (The 19th century was a time when food producers were notorious for adulterating their products with anything they could get their hands on which would be remotely similar to the real thing. Here are a few examples of some foods and what kind of fillers they used:

Sugar and flour: Makers of each would pad these products with “daft” with fillers including dirt, sand, plaster of Paris and gypsum.

Tea: There was one Victorian-era shipment of tea inspected by a suspicious buyer which turned out to be almost half dirt and sand.
Coffee: In the 1870s, it was common for what was sold as coffee to contain mostly roasted peas and beans {not coffee beans} flavored with chicory.

Horseradish: Part of Henry J. Heinz’s success in 1869 was initially due to him selling his mother’s grated horseradish in a clear glass jar to show that he was selling the real thing. Unlike his competitors, his product contained no turnip filler, leaves, or wood pulp.

Fruit: Since tainted fruit was blamed for the cholera epidemic of 1832, New York City briefly banned its sale in the aftermath.

Ice Cream: One sample tested from 1881 was found to contain cotton, insects, human hair, and cat hair. Also, it wasn’t unusual for ice cream shop owners to stir their concoctions with their bare hands.

Around the turn of the 20th century, 80% of the samples tested in Philadelphia was found to contain streptococci bacteria.

Butter: “Bogus butter” was sold to unsuspecting customers in the 1890s which was a concoction of bleached hog fat and animal parts.

Meat: See Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle and you can see why. Then there’s the Chicago slaughterhouses sending soldiers in the Spanish American War low quality, spoiled, and adulterated beef products. Naturally meat reaching soldiers caused an unprecedented toll of illnesses and deaths.

And food adulteration hasn’t been limited to the 19th century either.

Bread: A 1757 book claimed that bakers added sacks of old bones to their bread with other additives including chalk, white lead, ash, and slaked lime.

Baked goods: Before food and drug laws, some bakers gave their products a wash of lead chromate said to give their bread and pies a golden glow.

Cherries: One 18th century author claimed that cherry vendors rolled the fruit around their mouths to make it glisten before being displayed.

Milk: One picaresque account in 1771 described how milk was carried in open pails where it could fall prey to “spittle, snot, and tobacco squids….spatterings from coach wheels…the spewings of infants, and vermin plopping into the milk pail.”

In the Ohio River Valley, there was a perennial herb called snakeroot containing the poison tremetol which was safe for cows and passed along in their milk. Though tremetol tainted milk didn’t taste or smell any differently from other milk, thousands are said to have died from the mysterious milk sickness, especially children until frontier physician Anna Pierce Hobbs Bixby figured out the cause supposedly with the help of a Shawnee medicine woman. Still, Nancy Lincoln is said to have died from milk sickness when her son Abraham was nine years old.

Then there’s “swill milk” that came from the distillery cows fed waste mash and “whiskey slops.” Kids given swill milk were said to exhibit signs of drunkenness. Also, distillery dairy cows were so old and sick that they had to be pulled up by cranes in order to be milked.

Butter: Dairies were said to adulterate their butter with anything they could get their hands on including gypsum, gelatin, and mashed potatoes.)

Home:

No matter what time or place, people always kept their clothes in wardrobes, closets, and chests of drawers. (Until the 1600s, most people kept their clothes in trunks along with everything else that belonged to them.)

Maritime:

It wasn’t unusual to have women on board submarines. (Though you may see this a lot in movies, until perhaps a few years ago {if then}, women weren’t allowed to serve on a submarine, at least in the United States.)

Steamboats were a safe mode for transportation. (Steamboats had a lot of hazards on them in an age when these weren’t inspected or insured. By the 1850s, 500 steamboats would be involved in accidents which would kill about 4,000 people. A big cause of accidents was racing with captains ignoring safety precautions in favor of winning making them susceptible to underwater obstacles, boiler explosions, collisions, snags, and fires {it didn’t help that they were made out of wood and coated with flammable paint and varnish}. Mark Twain would lose a brother in a slow and painful death in a steamboat accident in 1858 and wouldn’t be the same after that. And in 1865, the boiler explosion on the Sultana would result in fire and kill between 1400-2200 people and become the worst maritime disaster in US history. Also, there’s a reason why the average steamboat lifespan was 4 to 5 years and let’s just say that the descriptions in accounts pertaining to steamboat accidents are horrifying. Now think about that whenever you see Showboat.)

Transportation:

Train travel was perfectly safe. (Trains and railways were rolling death traps that claimed more lives than some wars in much of the 19th and early 20th centuries whether by derailments, collisions, bridge failures, and others. And that’s for those riding the train. Plenty of people died crossing the railroads as well, especially in the United States.)

Horse transportation was relatively safe. (Horses and horse drawn vehicles brought constant carnage. According to the National Safety Council, transportation fatalities in the 19th century were 10 times the rate of today’s car traffic deaths.)

Old timey cars were perfectly safe. (Despite going 20 mph or less, they didn’t have seat belts or airbags like cars do today. Cue to Matthew’s car wreck in Downton Abbey.)

Etiquette:

Crying in public was considered shameful or as a sign of weakness. (Actually the idea of seeing crying as this was only common within the past few centuries. Before that, grieving openly was actually quite common and was more acceptable as it is today. However, don’t bet on seeing anyone crying in sword and sandal movies except at a highly dramatic moment.)

During a classical music concert most people usually sat quiet in their seats. (Not until the mid-19th century which was started when Richard Wagner {yes, Hitler’s favorite composer} requested that the audience not applaud between some key dramatic points of one of his operas. Yet, even he was alarmed when it was interpreted as an instruction of silence throughout. Still, before then, while people thought it rude to sneeze or cough during a soft section, talking and eating moving were rather common {Josef Haydn’s “Surprise” and “Joke” Symphonies were written because of his annoyance to such activities just to mess around with his audiences}. Opera audiences were even more boisterous than in the modern day {especially in Italy} with fans yelling at the characters onstage or singing along to their favorite choruses with magnetic virtuoso perform making ladies swoon in their seats like an early 1960s Beatles concert. A particular novel set piece that broke expected conventions might be booed or hissed at in the middle of a performance {sometimes riots would erupt, yes, you hear me}. Also, what we refer to as classical music was referred to back in the day as “pop music” or just “music.”)

Entertainment:

Concert venues would darken before the show would start. (Actually this is another invention by Richard Wagner {the composer with the Nazi fans}. Before then, the theater would be well lit during the performance because theatrical events were seen as social occasions and members of the audience would be in their most spectacular clothes for they were there to be seen. The early opera was more of a cabaret affair with only the diehard music fans giving it their full attention. This is partly the reason why early operas have characters repeat their important lyrics over and over again. Still, in the theater, not only was it usual to talk {or heckle} during performances, until the late 18th century, audience members could freely move around the auditorium, into the backstage area, the wings, and even onto the stage itself.)

Theaters were usually safe venues. (Yeah, safe. A series of deadly and horrifying fires {mostly in the lower culture music halls which were very crowded} caused changes in the rules which put an end to the open, cabaret style auditoriums with tables and loose seats, at least at such large venues. 19th century lime lights {yes, a real thing made with burning lime with gases} had the unfortunate tendency to start fires very quickly and because there were no fire safety regulations, these venues weren’t possible to evacuate quickly. During one decade alone, more than 400 US theaters were destroyed by fire.)

Circus tents were perfectly safe. (Canvas circus tents were often treated with paraffin and gasoline which made them an inferno waiting to happen.)

Sawing a woman in half was an old timey magic trick. (It was invented in 1921 by Percy J. Selbit which he debuted at at the Finsbury Park Empire theatre in London. Yet, this wasn’t a presentation you’d want to take your kids to since it had a strong element of graphic amoral entertainment with buckets of fake blood and a realistic spine-sawing effect, which would make Quentin Tarantino and slasher horror filmmakers everywhere cheer in sadistic glee.)

History of the World According to the Movies: Part 93 – General History: Historical Aspects

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The 1968 The Lion in Winter is one of the best historical films ever, which takes place in the court of King Henry II (played by Peter O’Toole) around Christmastime at Chinon (which is in France). Of course, Katharine Hepburn’s Queen Eleanor of Acquitaine (which she’d win a well deserved Oscar for) is just as conniving and manipulative as the real thing. Still, while the story is fictional royal intrigue it’s nevertheless plausible since most of the characters really did exist and were certainly like their historical counterparts. Nevertheless, that Christmas tree shouldn’t be in this movie since only Germans had them during the Middle Ages.

Of course, though I may be done with the chronological movie history, that doesn’t mean I’m completely done. These next couple of posts are about aspects of history that don’t completely fit in certain eras like how people lived or how certain institutions got on back in the day. I mean history isn’t just a bunch of self contained episodes but rather a time of human change and other things. Still, there are tons of things that history movies tend to get wrong such as movies set in the Middle Ages could have people dressing in outfits that could perhaps be the equivalent of seeing a movie about the American Revolution with all the characters dressed up in 20th century business suits. Or you can have movies set in the early 1800s with women dressed in hoop skirts and crinolines or set in the 1920s with women’s fashions from the 1940s or 1950s. Also, there’s the impression that people in history were more refined and well-behaved than they are now but when you look in the actual history books, you realize that our ancestors weren’t so different than us. Nevertheless, there are certain things movies get wrong about history which I shall list accordingly.

Crime:

Criminal masterminds of yesteryear, at least, were educated and well mannered.

Sympathetic condemned criminals were saved by the noose by someone riding up to them at the last minute. (This didn’t happen a lot, since these kinds of efforts stood a good chance of ending in outright failure.)

Friendly criminals were loveable rogues who wouldn’t hurt a fly unless they absolutely had to. (Most historical criminals were usually worse than their folk legends imply. Yet, there are exceptions such as Billy the Kid’s case since he’s depicted as being much more hostile than he actually was.)

Crime didn’t happen as much in the past as it did now. (There’s less crime in Western societies nowadays than there was then thanks to better law enforcement, better opportunities, and other things.)

Gangsters would always go after law enforcement and their families. (Most gangsters knew that going after cops and/or  their loved ones was simply bad business. Though seen in a lot of movies, most gangsters knew that killing law enforcement officials would be put them in very big trouble. Most gangsters usually committed violence against their colleagues, underlings, and enemies. Sometimes they’d commit violent acts against other gangsters’ families, accomplices, or witnesses but that’s as far as they would go with civilians {I mean there’s a reason why we have witness protection here}. Law enforcement officials were almost never targeted since doing so would’ve been a very stupid thing to do. For instance, Dutch Schultz was killed by the mob in New York  for trying to assassinate a district attorney.)

Gangsters would throw temper tantrums and commit violent acts in public. (Yes, but while many of them were certainly dangerous people and perhaps nuts, most mob bosses would go through great lengths to appear respectable in front of the press. In other words, they knew the value of PR. On the other hand, Golden Age pirates and conquerors would always try to cultivate a ruthless and bloodthirsty image so people would learn not to mess with them. Also, it made it easier for their targets to surrender without much fighting, too.)

Kissing a mafia don’s ring was a long standing tradition. (This is something that Mario Puzo just made up and basically has no basis in reality. Sorry, Godfather fans.)

There wasn’t much graffiti on buildings until recent times. (There’s a lot of intact graffiti found at Pompeii. Much of it is about sex and is downright hilarious.)

Law Enforcement:

Hanging was a quick and painless method of execution and so was burning at the stake. (As TV Tropes and Idioms say, “but this is only true of hangings conducted since roughly 1850. Before this time, execution via hanging was usually caused by strangulation. The victim normally either stood on a cart or sat on the back of a horse: after the noose was tightened around his or her neck, the support was gently removed and the victim would strangle to death. And it wasn’t quick or pretty: the rope cutting into the throat and cutting off the breath, the twists and the contortions of the trussed body, the stench of the feces and urine as the victim’s bowels and bladder emptied, and the involuntary erection (and often ejaculation) experienced by male victims were all deliberate parts of the punishment, as was the jeering, vicious crowd which would pelt the victims with dead cats, rotting meat and vegetables, and feces as they waited to be tied to the gibbet. The families of wealthier criminals could sometimes bribe the jailers to be allowed to pull at the victim’s legs to hurry death, but this was not always permitted. Even this was better than the death accorded to women who killed their husbands, even in self-defense: they were burned, and {no matter what popular history would have us believe} most burning victims were not supplied with gunpowder or other explosives to make their deaths quicker. Executions were supposed to be agonizing. They were supposed to be slow. They were supposed to cause as much suffering as possible.”)

Executioner was always cool job to have. (Most executioners got the gig just to avoid being executed. It was a terrible job with many experiencing PTSD as well as some even committing suicide.)

Beheadings were always accomplished with just one blow.

Criminals were hanged using the long trap door ever since the Middle Ages. (This wasn’t invented until the 19th century.)

Imprisonment was always seen as a punishment. (For most of history, prison has always been seen as a holding place for criminal suspects until their trial {the original reason why they existed in the first place}, their punishment was carried out, or whatever else the authorities knew they could do with them whether it be a day in the stocks, whipping, fines, penal labor, execution, etc. or acquittal. The idea of using imprisonment  as punishment came from the Enlightenment from the 18th century as an alternative to state-sanctioned torture. Outside the Western world, imprisonment wasn’t used as a punishment until the mid-20th century.)

Trials were always fair. (Well, in some instances, yet let me say that until the Enlightenment, they were almost anything but with trial by ordeal, trial by combat, as well as the fact that the defendant had to prove their own innocence. Still, you were better off being accused of heresy under the Inquisition than of witchcraft in Colonial Salem. This is mostly because the Inquisition was actually closer to modern jurisprudence than most civil courts in the 16th and 17th centuries and observed things like having rules of evidence, an appeals process, and codified restrictions on the type and severity of punishments that could be imposed. Also, if you were tried for witchcraft, the Inquisition would usually let you go since they didn’t believe in witches in the first place.)

Weapons:

The six-gun was an accurate weapon.

Any gun can fire multiple rounds regardless of historic era. (Even though repeating firearms weren’t invented until the mid-1800s.Why do you think the musketeers wouldn’t use muskets except when there’s a war on? I mean there was a good reason why they used swords instead.)

Swords made clinking sounds up against each other.

Early gunpowder had a slow burn rate and didn’t create a lot of smoke. (Smokeless slow-burning gunpowder was invented in 1875. Before then, black gunpowder was used which burned very fast and created a lot of smoke.)

Guns discharged more ammo than their stated capacity. (This happens all the time in movies.)

Flintlock pistols were reliable weapons. (They failed to discharge 50% of the time and were considered a secondary weapon in close combat.)

Many Pre-American Civil War firearms could fire multiple rounds without reloading. (Maybe Samuel Colt’s revolver which was invented in 1847 but most Pre-Civil War guns didn’t have this feature. Nevertheless, you see Gaston firing his blunderbuss 3 times in less than a second.)

Cannon balls were the only artillery ammunition until very recent times. (They also had bar and chain shot, canister, case, and grape shot, and Sangrenel. Sometimes they’d use anything if they ran out of ammunition.)

You can shoot fairly far and accurately with a flintlock pistol. (Flintlock pistols were useless beyond point blank range.)

Discharged cannons and guns never recoiled.

Artillery guns and howitzers fired exploding shells. (Only howitzers did.)

Reloading single shot weapons took only a few seconds. (For someone who’s well trained, it would take 15 to 25 seconds.)

Double shooting artillery guns was always a good idea. (It wasn’t since it decreased range.)

Cannon balls had the potential to explode at firing. (Cannon balls are solid shot and don’t work this way.)

Chemical and biological weapons were only invented in the 20th century. (Let’s just say people have been finding creative ways to harm people with germs and chemicals. I mean medieval soldiers flung animals in castles to spread disease and the Spartans used gas warfare on the Athenians during the Peloponnesian Wars.)

Warfare:

There were more “gays” on the bad guy’s side in war than on the good guy’s side. (See “THE 300.”) Or that homosexuality is uncommon in the navy, or was. (Churchill once summed up the grand traditions of the Royal Navy as “Buggery and the lash.”)

All Cavalry regiments carried full battle flags. (They actually flew cavalry flags which are swallow tailed.)

In war, it was always the men who had girlfriends they plan to marry back home who were the first to die and it was the idiot officers who always survived.

Gunshots never damaged people’s hearing. (Hearing loss is very common problem among veterans even today.)

Gunshots and explosions were never caused as much background noise that prevented soldiers from engaging in a conversation.

Officers always gave orders on the battlefield by shouting very loudly at their troops. (For much of history, regimental flags have been used as communication since the advent of firearms since they would be so loud that nobody would be able to hear them as well as the smoke on the battlefield would’ve made it harder for the soldiers to see anything else. Not to mention, walkie talkies didn’t exist then.)

Soldiers and sailors never swore or told any dirty jokes. (So what does that mean if you talk like a sailor? Also, swearing has always been frequent in the military.)

The solider who had less than two weeks on his tour of duty and the officer set to retire always got killed.

Soldiers who were deserters were cowards who didn’t want to fight. (Actually, every desertion tells a different story.)

There were no camp followers who were prostitutes. (For God’s sake, there were prostitute camp followers.)

Most soldiers were volunteers. (What about the soldiers in ancient Sparta? Also, conscription was rather common practice back in the day and compared to how draft dodgers were treated in history, the U.S. government was pretty lenient. Most draft dodgers in other regimes would’ve been executed.)

No soldier ever shit or pissed his pants in battle.

Americans and other English speaking civilizations fight wars more fairly or less cruelly than their enemies. (It is true that the Nazis were guilty of genocide and our side was not, but that is not the same as how they fought in that war. Also the American military commonly committed genocide against the Indians.)

Wounds in war were either incredibly bloody or spurted very little blood at all.

The German army in both world wars was more efficient than the Allied forces, and while we are at it, more hygienic than their enemies. (In fact under those spotless uniforms there tended to be filthy underwear and although the Germans were organization freaks, the American military was more practical, and the Russians were the most efficient.)

Back line soldiers never shot the guy in front of them if it was one of their own. (Napoleon lost a quarter of his troops through friendly fire by this.)

Soldiers usually died in battle. (Most soldiers usually died of their wounds after the battle was over or of disease.)

The French were cowards willing to surrender at the drop of the hat who would rather eat and have sex than fight. (Well, yes, the French would rather eat and have sex than fight but so would anybody with some sense of sanity. However, if history has taught us anything, you should never underestimate the French, especially at war.)

Cavalry charges were always effective. (Horses are actually very bad at bulldozing armed soldiers. I mean, they’re not that stupid.)
There were rules of war before the 19th century. (There was an expectation that soldiers and officers respect certain customs, but nothing was formalized until the Geneva Convention in 1864.)

Arrow wounds don’t cause serious injuries and are relatively easy to remove. (Actually it depends on what kind of armor you’re wearing whether it be metal or a long silk cape. Still, we have to consider the fact that bows and arrows were the primary range weapons for most civilizations until as late as the 17th century. So yes, an arrow wound can certainly kill you. And if you barely have any armor on you, then being shot by one may make it difficult for you to do anything. This might be because of agonizing pain or your body going into shock. Nevertheless, most of the time removing the arrow is much harder than it looks but simply pulling the shaft out may just leave the arrowhead inside the wound {since shafts and arrowheads weren’t as firmly attached as Hollywood makes them out to be}. Archers would just simply snap the shaft {which is harder than movies make it look since arrow shafts were made from the hardest woods available}, widen the wound either with the knife or wiggling it around. Also, arrow wounds had a strong tendency to be badly infected. Thus, an arrow wound was almost never just a flesh wound.)

The Aristocracy:

Aristocrats throughout history, even in Rome, spoke with upper class English accents. (English did not even exist when Rome occupied Britain.)

Rich white aristocrats never sweat despite the fact that they wear multiple layers of heavy clothes. (This isn’t true because I was in Richmond one summer where I toured the Confederate White House and there was one display where all the furniture had slipcovers. And you think people covered their furniture for modesty reasons. No, it was for their protection.)

Aristocrats always had unlimited wardrobes. (Well, they did have a lot of clothes but before the sewing machine clothing was expensive that many actually put their outfits in their wills. Heck, it wasn’t unusual for many poor people to have one or two sets of clothes for their entire lives.)

Religion:

Science and religion have always been at odds. (If that was true, we’d certainly wouldn’t live in as technologically advanced society as we are now. Also, many of our great scientific discoveries were made by clergymen as well as well as other religious men and women {in the Middle Ages, most scientists worked for the Catholic Church and the Big Bang theory was formulated by a priest}. The reason why people may have to say that science and religion are incompatible has more to do with the rise of Fundamentalism than the existence of science and religion themselves.)

No matter what time or place all Christians celebrate Christmas with Christmas trees. (Christmas trees weren’t introduced to Great Britain until Queen Victoria’s marriage to Prince Albert and prior to that was mostly a German tradition. Also, Christmas wasn’t made a national holiday in the United States until the 1870s. Not to mention, from the Reformation until the 1800s, the only Christians who celebrate Christmas were Anglicans, Lutherans, and Catholics, at least in America. The Pilgrims and the Puritans never celebrated Christmas and in early Massachusetts, the holiday was banned and celebrating it had legal consequences. And even when the ban was lifted, Christmas wasn’t widely celebrated in early New England as well as kind of discouraged. Christmas was also banned in England during Oliver Cromwell’s rule in England which lasted for 11 years. Then there’s the fact that other Christian traditions celebrate Christmas on a different date.)

Goddesses were seen as feminine beings and worshiped in a way that brought peace in a society. (Dan Brown, have you ever read any mythological tales regarding ancient pantheons? I wouldn’t say that many of these pagan goddesses were peaceful beings. I mean, look what Hera did to Zeus girlfriends and many of his kids who weren’t hers.)

Mass has been said facing the people since the 1800s. (It wasn’t said this way until the 1960s mostly due to the reforms of Vatican II.)

Magdalene institutions were run by Roman Catholic nuns. (Actually while popular imagery has them run by Catholics, other religious denominations ran Magdalene institutions as well, even in Ireland. Many Magdalene institutions were also run by corporations, sometimes not religiously affiliated at all. Oh, and they didn’t just take prostitutes, unwed mothers, or young girls seen as beautiful, promiscuous and flirtatious. Many of them were orphans, petty crooks, the mentally disabled, and abused girls who had nowhere else to go. Still, it would be fair to say that Magdalene houses functioned as the privatized prisons of their day at least in Ireland. The US Magdalene institutions functioned more like rehab centers. Also, the practice of making women give up out of wedlock babies for adoption wasn’t exclusively done by Catholic nuns as you see in Philomena. Sometimes babies were given up for adoption by the girl’s own parents {and not just Catholic ones either for my dad knew of a Mennonite family who did this}. This was a very common practice in all religious denominations as well as in secular society. Philomena’s son could’ve been taken away from her by practically anybody. Yet, the movie about her still treats what happened to her as an abuse by the Catholic Church, which it was but what they did was seen as perfectly acceptable by the standards of the time.)

The use of white smoke from the Vatican during a papal election that signaled the election of a new Pope. (We’re not sure if this dates back to either 1846 or 1914 though it’s certainly not the centuries old tradition its said to be. Also, the notion of the papacy itself is newer than we think since the title of Pope wasn’t referred to the main man himself until medieval times. Not only that, but it took centuries of maneuvering and precedent setting for Rome to emerge as the undisputed seat of leadership in the Catholic Church {which was sometime during the Dark Ages since most of them by this time and earlier were declared popes retrospectively}. Before then, the Bishops of Rome were often challenged by the Patriarchs of Constantinople and some of the earliest “popes” weren’t considered Bishops of Rome and such, just the most important Christians in Rome and the surrounding areas that were considered by scholars just to give an image of direct descent from Saint Peter. Still, you’d have to admit that Saint Peter was the first Pope but he and his early successors weren’t declared popes in a modern sense. Nevertheless, Catholic Church tradition is complicated stuff but very interesting nevertheless.)

Lots of violence and injustice has been done in the name of religion. (Yes, but when you take a closer look, it’s more over something else like power, money, resources, angst, or what not. Yet, people use religion to justify their actions, even if it wasn’t their main motivation.)

Race:

European society after the Middle Ages is completely ethnically white. (Actually there were Africans living in Europe mostly because of the slave trade and there was later a sizable Asian population, too. Also, Alexandre Dumas and his son were both of African descent as well as Alexander Puskin.)

The United States:

Illegal immigration has only occurred in recent times. (Contrary to what you may see on the news, illegal immigration isn’t a recent thing in the US. There’s an entire history of illegal immigration that spans for hundreds of years. For instance, the Native Americans in Jamestown called it, “white people.”)

There were no black people fighting in America’s wars until the American Civil War. (African Americans have fought in almost every war in American history.)

All American flags had 50 stars even in the 19th century. (The flag with 50 stars didn’t come out until the 1960s when Alaska and Hawaii were added as states.)

In the US, 911 was always dialed in an emergency situation as long as there had been phones. (Calling 911 wouldn’t be an option until the 1968 when the 911 service was established. Before then, you had to press 0 and ask for emergency services.)

No African American performers wore blackface. (Sorry NAACP, but most black performers on vaudeville did. Some were light enough to put on burnt cork to make it clear to the audience. Others just bowed to vaudeville standards. I know it’s pretty unpleasant to think about it yet for much of American history, being in a blackface minstrel show was one of the few ways that actual black performers were seen by a large audience blackface or not though the music would be taken seriously for artistic merit, especially songs by Stephen Foster. However, the tradition of blackface extends to hundreds of years before its disturbing rise in popularity in the US.)

American dry crusaders were always prudish old ladies. (A lot of them were women who had suffered abuse and ruined from alcoholic husbands and fathers as well as many feminists of the day like Frances Willard who many would actually consider a social justice crusader and possible lesbian. A lot of ministers and recovering alcoholics were involved as well. Also, many dry crusaders didn’t just start trumping for temperance when they were geriatrics either.)

Two letter state abbreviations and ZIP codes were on US addresses throughout the 20th century. (ZIP codes were introduced in 1963 while two-letter state abbreviations first came into use in the 1970s.)

The Hollywood sign was always in its present letter configuration. (Until the late 1940s, the sign would’ve read “Hollywoodland” since the sign was originally erected to promote a housing development in the area.)

Stop signs were always red in the US. (Before the late 1950s, they were yellow.)

Asphalt roads always had yellow lines at the center. (This is a rather recent concept but its seen in a lot of movies set in 20th century history.)

Every 18-25 year old in the 1960s and 1970s was a freethinker and hippie activist who cared about the future and had revolution just around the corner. It was also a time when they listened to rock music, did drugs and participated in orgies.

Racism wasn’t much of a problem up in the Northern US while the South was under segregation. (A lot of places in the North had segregation as well. Not to mention, Malcolm X had a very shitty childhood because of racism and he was born in Detroit. Yet, while racism wasn’t as institutionalized in the North as it was in the South, it was still a problem.)

The US flag always had a standard configuration. (The standard design for the star part of the US flag wasn’t set up until 1912. There are plenty of American flag configurations of stars before that point.)

Government:

Rulers were unusually brutal. (Being ruler at the time was a pretty dangerous job where you couldn’t really trust anybody like your relatives, advisors, servants, or even friends. Being ruthless wasn’t an option. Assassination was a common fate for many Roman emperors and members of the royal family in Ancient Egypt.)

No matter what time or place, heroes always believed in Democracy.

Polygamous societies were always oppressive toward women.

Science:

Eugenics weren’t a popular idea before World War II. (Oh, yes they were, especially among whites.)

Telescopes were available and used since antiquity. (They were invented in the 1600s yet you see movies set before that with people using them, including Columbus.)

Western science was always the best science. (There was plenty of scientific advances being done outside. For instance, numbers were invented in India while algebra was invented in the Middle East. Arab medicine in the Middle Ages was said to be much more advanced than the Europeans and India had a form of plastic surgery. Not only that but it was the Chinese who invented gunpowder, paper, the compass, the blast furnace, borehole drilling, the toothbrush, bulkhead partition, cast iron, printing, toilet paper, and so many others. Also, the Mayas had a concept of 0 while the Romans didn’t.)

Europe:

Italy and Germany were always countries. (Most of the time they were either part of the Holy Roman Empire or a bunch of city states until the 1800s. Not to mention, Germany was split during the Cold War Same goes for Belgium. Also, the Netherlands didn’t become a country until the 1500s.)

Russian peasants were brutes or easily-riled hicks living in a deeply oppressed lifestyle in poverty. (They may not have been the most fortunate poor people in Europe but from the Middle Ages to recent times, they were much cleaner than their Western European counterparts. The reason for this is that while other Europeans weren’t bathing at all, Russians took a bath once a week at all levels even to the downtrodden serfs.)

The Swiss invented the cuckoo clock. (Sorry, Harry Lime, but the cuckoo clock was invented in Germany. However, the Swiss did invent the Swiss Army knife, Velcro, aluminum foil, cellophane, bobsleigh, laudanum, LSD, the computer mouse, Absinthe, and bank secrecy. Ulrich and Geneva were centers of Protestantism and headquarters of Calvin and Zwingli. It was also the place where the Red Cross was founded.)

Other:

The Illuminati has been a constant presence of human history which have been gathering money and influence, spinning their webs of lies and deceit in the shadowy heights of society, and had aspirations to establish a dystopian Big-Brother New World Order. (As TV Tropes and Idioms says, “There was a Masonic-like organization of intellectuals which was given this name in Real Life Bavaria in the 1770s, but it was eventually disbanded by the Bavarian government.” They were probably just another brotherhood of funny hats and their New World Order referred to a republican form of government and legislation based on human rights. And this group gets a bad rap because a French royalist blamed them and the Masons for starting the French Revolution.)

Freemasonry is thousands of years old. (Freemasonry as we know it dates back to the early 18th century. Before then, they were just a trade union of actual masons specifically master craftsmen, structural engineers, and architects.)

Everyone didn’t engage in the so-called, “modern vices” that cause such a slew of controversy today. (Actually those “modern vices” that are seen as controversial are incredibly ancient. But let’s not talk about them shall we?)

Tarot cards were used in divination throughout history. (They weren’t used in this way until the 18th century.)

People have been tortured on the iron maiden for centuries. (The first appearance of an iron maiden was in 1793, which makes the possibility of people being tortured on it {for other purposes than Uday Hussein’s enjoyment} highly unlikely.)

People smiled in photos ever since photography was invented. (Most people didn’t smile in their own photographs from the 19th century to the early 20th.)

Early pocket watches always had second hands. (Most early watches didn’t have them.)

Canada always had the Maple Leaf design as its national flag. (Canada didn’t use this flag until the 1960s.)

Celebrity endorsements of products were a relatively knew thing. (The Roman gladiators did this.)

Western society has always been more advanced and enlightened than in other parts of the world. (Well, I wouldn’t go that far since Genghis Khan’s allowed religious toleration in his empire since he basically didn’t care what his subjects believed as long as they accepted him as their ruler (and it’s the same way in most eastern empires whereas religious toleration in Europe wasn’t a popular idea until the 18th century.