For as long as writing and business existed side by side, advertising has always been with us since communication as everything. Roman gladiators once endorsed products when not fighting each other while print media almost wouldn’t survive without it. Still, while some ads seem fairly harmless others not so much. I could go on all day about the nice cutesy ads your grandparents fondly remember but no one wouldn’t be interested. Instead, I’ll show the not-so-stellar ads to mock for your pleasure. So without further adieu, here is a collection of some of the worst printed ads of yesterday. Note: Some of my ad descriptions may denote sarcasm. Also, some of these ads may be offensive but I posted them because they’re terrible so that’s kind of the point.
1. Who knew a pig could survive after it slices itself in half?
I think the guy who came up with this image must’ve been on drugs if you ask me.
2. Is it always illegal to kill a woman? Uh, yeah, I think it very much is.
Also, why would anyone ever ask that kind of misogynistic question? And on an advertisement out all things. Seriously, I wonder if the guy behind this ad was an inspiration for a character on Madmen or something.
3. Sure all women love to receive a new vacuum for Christmas.
Let’s just say if you’re my significant other and gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I will not be happy. I hate these things for all the noise they make.
4. Treat yourself on Christmas, buy a gun!
Really? A gun? That’s crazy. Wonder if treating yourself to getting a gun for Christmas may be a sign you need some psychiatric counseling.
5. Sure Iver Johnson revolvers are safe around kids. This ad guarantees it.
“Absolutely Safe,” “Accidental Discharge Impossible,” “Pa says it won’t hurt us,” as this ad promises. However, all these sayings are what is known in the advertising business as “bullshit.” Guns are never safe around kids and accidental discharges will happen.
6. Drinking Smirnoff would lead a woman to become a bra burning feminist.
This was probably designed by some asshole who has no idea of what feminism is. Still, anything is possible while handling Smirnoff like date rape which might be on the mind of the guy next to her. Empowering to women? I think not.
7. Blatz understands that young mothers always need a drink if they want their babies growing healthy and strong.
Uh, huh, I’m not sure if marketing beer to young mothers as a health drink is a good idea. Still, I wonder if the baby will be plastered on the mother’s breast milk after she drinks some.
8. Apparently this white kid thinks black people are using the wrong soap.
Try using the Fairy soap on your black friend, kid. Chances are, the blackness is never coming off because it’s the person’s natural skin color. Just because a person’s skin is dark doesn’t mean he or she is dirty or should be treated any differently than as an equal. This is a pretty racist ad but it’s not the worst I’ve seen. But posting it will certainly not get black people to like you.
9. Men who don’t wear Van Heusen Oxfords obviously come from a savage cannibalistic tribe in Africa.
Another offensive and racist ad. This not only calls blacks savages but also insults people in Third World countries as savage and cannibalistic brutes, which many are not. Even if that were true, we shouldn’t refer to their culture as any barbaric than our own. This ad is just a bunch of Western imperialistic nonsense.
10. Buy Kenwood mixer because even chefs need wives to cook in their own homes.
Hey, since when is cooking primarily the wife’s job? If I was married to a chef, I sure wouldn’t cook for him. Any male chef who makes his wife cook for him is a jerk. Stay in the kitchen my ass.
11. Because every boy needs to have his own little assault rifle.
What the fuck? Why in God’s mercy would you give your kid this? This is almost as bad as the real thing, not that it helped the soldiers in Vietnam. Oh, I see why they had these toys so boys can get excited about being drafted. It’s disturbing, really.
12. Daisy always knows guns make the best Christmas gifts for the whole family.
I really don’t want to live next to these people. Let’s just say guns are another thing I wouldn’t want for Christmas.
13. Drink Poulain Chocolate or else the pale face clown will get you.
I wonder if this hot chocolate drinking clown is related to the Joker from Batman.
14. Using Diamond Dyes will make your kid pretending to be a sociopath.
If my kid was playing with some blood colored dye I’d feel the same way like that horrifying child’s mother. I wonder if this child’s utter delight in it may foreshadow a future as a serial killer.
15. See, even Santa smokes so cigarettes must be good for you.
Seriously, I think doing tobacco endorsement should automatically put someone on the naughty list. And I don’t think Santa should be exempt from that.
16. It’s nice having a girl around the house, to step on.
Look, this is not only offensive toward women but also to tigers. You can’t treat women like doormats or kill tigers and make rugs out of them. You also can’t step on women’s heads either.
17. Make every ocean liner trip a gay cruise on American Export Lines.
On American Export Lines, everyone is guaranteed to have a gay old time. However, a gay cruise today would mean something completely different.
18. Because group showers save money.
Sure group showers may save money and be prevalent among athletes. Yet, they also tend to be the butt of gay jokes, especially since the world of men’s sports is rather homophobic. Still, these boys seem perfectly fine naked in each other’s company. One is even singing while washing his hair. However, this is in here because it was made at a highly homophobic time yet much of it may be teeming with gay subtext to add further irony.
19. Munsingwear Men’s Underwear: Because you never know when you’ll be wrestling in your underwear.
As to why any two straight men would even want to wrestle with each other in their underwear, I don’t have the slightest idea. Another 1950’s ad teeming with gay subtext. Is anyone on Madmen in the closet or something?
20. Not sure what you want your husband to buy anything for you for Christmas? Circle the following.
I’m sure all women would want these kitchen appliances for Christmas. I sure wouldn’t. Still, I think it’s kind of insulting. Also, what should my husband give me if I want something that’s not on that piece of God forsaken garbage.
21. Husband doesn’t like the coffee? Let him give you a good spanking.
I’m kind of looking forward to the next ad when the wife throws her husband out the house and puts him under a restraining order. Seriously, why in God’s name would anyone think this is funny? This is domestic violence for crying out loud! Buy our coffee or your husband will beat you? What kind of message is that?
22. Doctors smoke Camels so you should, too.
Smoking is prevalent among medical professionals as well as a lot of other bad habits. However, as we know from watching medical show, we know that just because people in healthcare engage in certain habits like smoking doesn’t mean everyone else should. Just because people may take good care of others doesn’t mean they’re taking good care of themselves. Nevertheless, this ad is wrong on so many levels.
23. Relieve that toothache pain with cocaine. That’s the ticket.
Of course, a well known proponent of cocaine was Sigmund Freud. Yes, the famed father of psychoanalysis himself was a cokehead. Still, if you have a toothache, you should probably see a dentist.
24. Scot Towels will wipe away Communism in your home and workplace.
Reminds me of that Terry Gilliam animated toothpaste commercial on Monty Python. Yes, Scot Towels has the Joe McCarthy zeal that will wipe away all those dirty Communists in your home. Not really.
25. Lucky Strike will turn you from a chunky fat guy to a world class athlete.
This would be more accurate if the fit guy was replaced with a corpse. There’s no way in hell smoking Lucky Strikes will make you into a world class athlete. It will more likely shed years off your life and lead you to an early grave.
26. Because you can never start shaving too young.
Babies should never ever have sharp objects in their hands, including safety razor. So many things can go wrong with that. Who ever thought of making this disturbing ad? Wonder if he has any kids. If he does, he lacks a lot of basic parenting skills.
27. Because happy babies loved being sealed in plastic wrap.
What’s with the babies in plastic wrap? Babies aren’t food products. Is this child abuse or cannibalism?
28. Sure DDT’s destruction to wildlife would inspire Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring, but it’s honestly as good as mother’s milk.
Better living through chemicals taken to new levels of absurdity. Sure DDT may kill pesky insects but it also gets rid of wild animals like bald eagles and other now endangered species. And if it’s harmful to wild animals, it’s certainly bad for people. I mean this pesticide helped inspire a whole movement. God, this is as bad as anything from Monsanto. Yet, at least that company doesn’t do the same thing with Round-Up.
29. I’m Ronald Reagan and I endorse Chesterfields for America.
Say, Ronnie, have you thought that by the time you get into politics, smoking may not seem cool anymore because it leads to well, cancer? Also, didn’t you and your wife help start the War on Drugs during your presidency? Too bad you couldn’t say no to appearing on a cigarette ad.
30. Use Pear’s soap and don’t throwing out the baby with the bath water.
Seriously, this is horrifying. Why would anyone have an ad like this? No wonder the baby is crying it’s eyes out. Certainly not looking to bath time in the future after that traumatizing experience.
31. Love’s Baby Soft: because innocence should be in the form of a sexualized little girl.
“Because innocence is sexier than you think.” Really? Why come with this ad? This girl is probably a teenager at most. God, and you think my generation is screwed up over child beauty pageants and the Disney Channel. This is disturbing.
32. Gang rape scantily clad streetwalkers under the influence is always fun in Broomsticks slacks.
I hope these boys have their lives ruined over this because this imagery is nothing to joke about. At best this is street harassment. At worst it is prelude to gang rape. Simply sexist and deeply offensive. Whoever designed this piece of shit ought to be ashamed of themselves.
33. Drink 7UP because baby is never too young for his first soft drink.
Yes, start your baby on a drink full of empty calories that will lead to early tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, hyperactivity, anxiety, sleep deprivation, bone loss, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, giving your baby pop is a good idea. Soft drinks are probably among the unhealthiest beverages on the market.
34. Traveling in the Middle East, then fly with Pakistan International.
Of course, no one is going to think of crashing a plane into those enormous skyscrapers. Oh, I forgot those buildings aren’t around anymore because terrorists crashed planes into them on 9/11.
35. Because lead paint is the best paint.
Of course, lead paint is bound to lower intelligence, stunt growth, delays development, cause kidney damage, cause reproductive problems, and may even cause cancer. Yeah, and you wonder why we don’t use lead paint anymore. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that these lead party guests consists of toy soldiers and plates.
36. Pass for white with Chlorinol bleach.
God this is so blatantly and virulently racist as well as contains an N-word reference to boot, which should never be used in advertising especially alongside “white.” As for the bleaching for lighter skin, it seems like a disturbing and destructive practice. Also, these black kids are pretty scary looking. Where is Chlorinol bleach to wash out this horrendously racist ad? My deepest apologies to the NAACP.
37. For limited time only, here’s a replica of an exploding hand grenade.
Of course, you can buy one of these and watch your WWII veteran dad experience sudden flashbacks as well as bring him back to the days on the front he’d rather forget. Yes, your dad will relive all those PTSD memories all over again.
38. Get the SEGA video game control and be the naked couch potato in your parents basement you always wanted to be.
Yeah, this guy seems to have so much fun with SEGA he doesn’t seem to take any time to get dressed. Yeah, why can’t this guy find something else to do with his life?
39. Only this kid knows what other meat tastes like pork.
Don’t look now but I think this child seems to have a nasty grin on his face. That can’t be good. Something tells me he may not be totally satisfied and may have a craving for human flesh.
40. Try the Deep South peanut pie, or else this naked fedora kid will use you into one.
This kid isn’t cute. It’s as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that’s it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.
41. Swift’s: The quality restaurant for the potentially murderous child.
Yes, she’s a raging murderous psychopath all right. What is it about old ad artists that they seem to draw children so creepy looking?
42. Because why should you wait until summer to get a tan?
Yeah, why wait till summer where you can expose yourself to skin cancer causing UV rays today and for half the price? And I thought the tanning craze now was insane.
43. Either this woman has been very good this year or Santa just likes what he sees.
Bad, Santa, you should know better than anyone not to stare up women’s skirts. Wonder what Mrs. Claus would think of this.
44. Hey, honey, why don’t we make out under the mistletoe and traumatize our kids for the rest of their lives?
And this is how “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was born.
45. Kids keep wetting the bed, well protect them with Stay Dry child diapers.
I think having those pants on is much more psychologically disturbing than wetting the bed. Also, that boy has to be about 8-10 years old who shouldn’t be having those problems.
46. Jester Wools will always make you gay.
Nowadays this slogan would make right wing Christians in the South cringe with fear. Doesn’t help with the colorful jester and rainbow.
47. Step in the spa with Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.
These inflatable Bermuda shorts made from the skin of the Michelin Tire Man seem to make crocs stylish by comparison. Boy, do those people look ridiculous.
48. Overweight? Lose weight through the tapeworm diet.
This was a big weight loss fad back in the day. Still, I think having a parasite living in my digestive tract is kind of disturbing.
49. Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab is fun educational toy for the kids as well as completely safe and harmless.
This toy probably doesn’t work because parents would certainly complain. As we know from Chernobyl and Fukishima, atomic energy isn’t safe even in children’s toys. Also, I think this toy may be illegal nowadays for obvious reasons. You’re better off getting your kid a chemistry set.
50. Worried about nuclear attack? Protect your family with a fallout shelter and you’ll be ready to survive total nuclear annihilation.
I’m sure a fallout shelter will save you in a nuclear attack. Actually, it’s probably going to useless and you’ll probably die in a nuclear attack anyway.
51. Real men use whiskey toothpaste because the regular stuff is for sissies.
A 6 proof alcoholic tooth paste. I guess there’s no artificial flavors is there? Also, why?
52. Saying your product contributes to melting glacier isn’t something to brag about.
Of course, this ad says that their fuel emissions melt the glaciers with pride. Nowadays, they’d deny that man made climate change even exists and it’s hurting the planet. Well, that’s Big Oil for you.
53. Depressed, just drink some of Phosferine tonic wine and chase all those blues away.
Seriously, I don’t want to know what’s in this. Drug of choice for the unhappy housewife who can’t find any escape from her second-class status.
54. Somehow the “skinless wieners” doesn’t seem to have the same connotation these days.
Somehow I find it rather comical when these old timey folks refer hotdogs as wieners. It’s just makes this seemingly wholesome ad dirty. Unfortunately this isn’t from Oscar Meyer.
55. Chilprufe underwear for the active service man who may be in the closet.
Seriously, what’s with the two underwear clad men possibly touching each other? For God’s sake, there’s no way those guys are “just friends.”
56. Use ethyl high-octane gasoline, like these Indian speed demons.
Someone seems to have a little too much fun at the casino. Oops, sorry about that. Also, as with ethyl fuel. well, it has done its share of widespread environmental damage over the years than other forms of gasoline because it contains lead. And we thought Indians cared about Mother Earth.
57. So I guess the Canadians weren’t so above it all either.
Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren’t human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nicer than us all this time.
58. Use Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator and drive all your demons away.
Kind of find the idea of demons in your head kind of terrifying. Also, may not work on schizophrenics.
59. Agitated seniors giving you grief? Calm them down with Thorazine.
So if there’s a contentious old guy saying “Get off my lawn!” we should drug him with this? Well, that’s sure going to make his transition to the old folks home a hell of a lot easier. Still, I don’t it would work on Clint Eastwood though.
60. I’m sure having your baby under the sun lamp is completely safe.
Let’s just say that putting your baby over a tanning lamp is a very bad idea even if the ad says it can’t burn. Oh, it will. Is this something taken from the Snooki Parenting Manual here?
61. Flip N’ Style: The hair dryer for bald people.
At least we know where Sinead O’Connor got her start. Of course, why would she want a hair dryer, I don’t have the slightest idea.
62. Oh, a funeral home service. Wait, it’s an employment agency.
I think this agency may need to rethink their advertising approach. It still looks more appropriate for a funeral home to me.
63. Try Groves Tasteless Chill Tonic and even you can turn into a pig bodied abomination.
If having a pig body is one of this tonic’s side effects, then I’m sure not taking that no matter how depressed I am.
64. Give your children Bee Hive corn syrup and see them become the next heavyweight champion.
Yeah, I’m sure corn syrup is going to make a bruiser out of your baby. Also, why is the tyke wearing boxing gloves? Is it participating in some kind of pewee boxing league? This is messed up.
65. Beer: the health drink for the whole family.
Just think, grandpa, in just over a century later, you could be arrested for serving this to minors.
66. Ayer’s Cathartic Pills: made by the hands of babes.
For a pharmaceutical company to say that their pills are packaged by naked children would send shockwaves among the masses nowadays. Also, they’re probably not practicing proper sanitation either.
67. Of course, this ad is sure to cater to a younger audience.
Child mascots for tobacco companies are a horrible idea. Still, talk about appealing to a younger demographic, which tobacco companies try to get kids hooked on their product at the earliest as possible. This is pretty disturbing in of itself.
68. Enhance your beauty with this face squeezing torture device.
As if botox wasn’t bad enough, we have the face crusher. That certainly does not look comfortable.
69. What young boy wouldn’t be without his own machine gun?
Even funnier, this gun is called “Big Dick.” Now you can experience the machine gun’s rapid fire that will traumatize your WWI veteran dad from his days in the trenches. Yet, unlike him, you won’t experience the dirty trenches or the vast carnage that accompanied the Great War. Now isn’t that fun?
70. Smoke Virginia Slims and be like Wonder Woman.
Of course, she may not be Wonder Woman (maybe her evil twin considering what smoking does to people) but this ad is trying to appeal to feminists. However, just because most of the information in this ad is true to some extent, using female empowerment to sell a terrible destructive product is rather disturbing if you really think about it. Rather smoking Virginia Slims will not make you look like Wonder Woman’s stand-in.