Of course, we have vintage Christmas cards all that seem to appear as works of art and hearken to more simpler times. I mean who just can’t resist a card from the olden days before all those crazy Christmas cards with the awkward families and fart jokes. Christmas had a sweet innocence then. Yeah right, because as history major, you eventually learn that nostalgia is overrated. Many either seem to bring sentimental and fond memories of an earlier to your grandparents or perhaps nightmares to your kids. Not to mention, some may also bring great offense to your racial minority friends. And with some you may wonder whether the 1960s drug culture actually began in the 1960s. Still, I can go all I want with the lovely artistry, the cute little kids, and whatever but I know beauty is subjective while it is easy to tell which vintage cards are not ones you’d want to send to your relatives. Now without further adieu, I present to you some of the strangest, tackiest, and creepiest vintage Christmas cards around.
1. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” than Santa lending a hand to a woman who’s wasted.
And there’s a dog getting a niff of the stuff.
2. Of course, some people don’t believe in Christmas but that doesn’t mean they belong in these categories.
Seriously, I think some of these guys do celebrate Christmas. Besides, just because you don’t believe in Christmas doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
3. How is it possible to be all right after being in a snowman?
And with that face, I might be questioning that woman’s sexual preferences.
4. Haunted by devils or just hungover?
This guy is going to need therapy during the new year. Also, the skeleton ghost is pretty creepy, too.
5. Rolling an old guy into a large snowball, just nice.
As if harassing the elderly isn’t bad enough.
6. What’s with baking children in pies?
Seriously, can’t anyone see some hint of cannibalism here?
7. These little angels will possess your soul.
Seriously, these are angels? More like creepy little demons to me of every race, creed, and color, no less. Jesus, this is terrifying.
8. These frightful pigs bring tidings of good cheer.
And then kill you in your sleep in retaliation for eating their relatives.
9. Let’s just say, I don’t want to see Santa do ballet.
This is especially terrifying. The kids in this are especially creepy. Also, is that a French flag at the top?
10. Of course, Santa just listens on the party line to know who’s naughty or nice.
And he’s reveling in hearing your conversations like the NSA would.
11. No, you don’t want to be a little teapot.
Nor would you want to be in one either.
12. Of course, I tend to wonder whether Santa was the inspiration for Finding Bigfoot.
And Sasquatch hunters have been lost in the woods ever since.
13. I guess this boy didn’t want an emu for Christmas.
At least she didn’t get a hippopotamus for Christmas.
14. Don’t like the look of the yeti in this picture.
15. Guess those kids really want those presents from Santa.
You better know they’ve been good this year, Santa, or else.
16. I have a bad feeling about this.
I can seriously hear Santa say, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”
17. I know it’s racist but I had to show this one.
Sorry, NAACP, but my collection of bad vintage Christmas cards wouldn’t be complete without a racist one. Still, at least I didn’t use all of them and I know there are a lot of them out there. This one of the least offensive which would’ve been perfectly fine without the racist depiction of a black lady.
18. This cat looks like it’s up to no good.
Cat looks like he’s high on something and I don’t think it’s catnip.
19. Aw, the jester served Christmas dinner to an unfortunate soul.
Unfortunately, he won’t be able to eat it. And when he can, it will be covered with rotten fruit and vegetables or else be rotten in itself.
20. So you mean Santa now has his headquarters on the moon?
Merry Christmas, from space. Seriously, if you have an engine, do you really need reindeer in spacesuits? Also, space igloo?
21. So Santa’s sleigh is pulled by turkeys?
Someone must be getting his or her holidays mixed up.
22. Dog with gun, what can possibly go wrong with that?
Wasn’t there an incident with a dog shooting its owner in Bowling for Columbine?
23. Sure we hung the carolers but they’re still singing.
Ornaments and candle flame must be pissed.
24. Santa brings home the bacon.
Well, he stole a couple of pigs from the elves. Naughty Santa. Seriously, who thought of this?
25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” than an armed frog killing for money.
Just when does amphibious armed robbery and murder have to do with Christmas? This is sick. Guess the dead frog will end up in someone’s biology class.
26. Watch for the spiderweb, cupid.
Else you’d end up as spider dinner, you naked ass angel.
27. For God’s sake what does a jellyfish have anything to do with Christmas?
I mean seriously this picture doesn’t make any sense to me.
28. Nothing like receiving “Seasons Greetings” by a disembodied dog head.
Kind of freaking me out.
29. Or so says the fox.
Saying is pretty good but it’s held by someone who could be from Fantastic Mr. Fox. Still, something doesn’t seem right having a fox hold up a sign.
30. “Peace, Joy, Health, and Happiness” from a mouse on a lobster.
What kind of designer came up with this disgusting idea? This isn’t cute. Maybe for adolescent boys or biology majors, but not for anyone else.
31. Guess reindeer didn’t fly efficiently.
So Santa had to use satellite engines, solar powered.
32. Santa with binoculars, don’t want to know.
I don’t want to know if he’s looking for me.
33. Don’t think this is appropriate for babies.
The lion is especially terrifying. Also, Noah’s ark, really?
34. Seems Santa’s legs are going up in smoke.
Also, why are kids sleeping near the fire. Must be under a carbon monoxide trip upon seeing a vision of Santa. Probably will kill them.
35. Little Santas must be high on eggnog or is it just the designers.
This just defies all explanation. Seriously, little Santas with holly hoops? That’s just freaky, man.
36. Merry Christmas courtesy of the Krampus.
As you might know, the Krampus is a creature known to punish bad children on Christmas. And it seems he’s got a whole legion of brats. He’s not supposed to be nice.
37. Santa always has a bunch of goodies in his sack for all the good girls and boys. Let’s see what he has here.
From Mashable: “Now then, children, let’s see what old Santa’s got for you. How about a Yoko Ono shield and spear set? Or a Punch mannequin? Or a spade? Or a gun?”
38. Be good for Santa Claus, or else!
Okay, okay, big guy. Put the gun down. No need to use any violence in the situation. Yeah, Santa has gone homicidal.
39. He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when your awake.
I’m having a really bad feeling about what Santa’s doing here. Yeah, I know the job is stressful but he doesn’t seem his jolly old self to me.
40. Merry Christmas, and remember not to piss off Santa this year.
From Mashable: “You know, people often ask me, ‘Santa, what do you do with the children who’ve been bad?’ Here’s the answer: I pretend I’m dead and beat them with a bunch of sticks tied up with a ribbon. Happy Christmas.”
41. Santa might have a big sack of toys but so little room for demands.
Yeah, I’m sure Santa Claus is thinking about getting some more sacks next year so he won’t have to stuff any toys in his boots. That can’t be comfortable.
42. Seems like Frosty the Snowman has a new girlfriend and a new holly mustache.
Not sure if I buy into Frosty’s new look. Doesn’t seem to have the same charm.
43. Sorry, kids, Santa has wrecked his sleigh so he might be a little late getting presents to you this year.
What baffles me is that he’s using a jalopy but it has nothing but trees in the bed. Seriously, shouldn’t toys be in there.
44. Seems like this kid can’t wait to open his presents.
My friends, that is a face of a future psychopath. Will probably grow up to be either a psycho killer or an executive on Wall Street.
45. Merry Christmas from the depressed snowman and the coated angel.
Okay, why are there shamrocks here? That’s for Saint Patrick’s Day. The designers really seem to have their holidays mixed up this year.
46. Season’s greetings from the walking robin family.
Wait a minute, robins usually don’t stay on during the winter, if my knowledge of birds is correct. They’re usually down south. Yeah, this is fucked up.
47. Merry Christmas from, wait, what the hell does a butterfly have to do with Christmas?
I really don’t get this. I mean this looks more appropriate Easter card, not Christmas. Don’t ask me.
48. Merry Christmas from your darling spider girl.
Yes, she’s cute. But come on, Halloween’s over already. Seriously, what the hell do spiders have to to with Christmas?
49. Hop along on Santa’s new ride, a shiny red flying bus.
Of course, the reindeer tagged along just in case the bus broke down or ran out of fuel. Unfortunately, this happened very often.
50. Seems like Santa has instilled child labor. So disappointed.
I’m sure Santa tends to put people on the naughty list for such horrible labor practices. Yet, uses kid labor himself. What a hypocrite.