Valentines Cakes

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Valentines Day is one of the many holidays in which sweethearts exchange many kinds of gifts, especially sweets. Of course, it’s not uncommon for many to buy a specially made cake. For those interested, I can go on and on what lovely cakes cakes you can give to your loved one for Valentines Day. However, for those who looking for ideas, don’t use this post for inspiration since this is devoted to cakes you don’t want to send to your devoted sweetheart. Actually this post is for the cake ideas you want to avoid as well as serve as a kind of entertainment to those single on this day of love. So without further adieu, here are some Valentines Day cakes nobody wants to get.

1. This is a perfect cake for your sweetheart on Valentines Day, assuming that you two are avid fans of Star Trek.

Of course, if you're the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can't stand it, then I'm afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

Of course, if you’re the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can’t stand it, then I’m afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

2. The perfect way to tell your sweetheart that you’re willing to settle for them because you can’t find anyone better.

The perfect cake to give to Mr. Good Enough or Mr. Right Now because you’re just tired of dating and your biological clock is ticking.

3. Of course, what better to tell than this beauty to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day as well as tell them you don’t want any kids.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn't have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn’t have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

4. Sending this lovely cake may result in your beloved quickly dumping you and slamming it in your face before rushing to the doctor’s.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

5. For the love bug in your life who gives you butterflies…….I think. Well, it looks like a butterfly.

Or it could look like something else, but I'm not sure if I want to dwell on it.

Or it could look like something else, but I’m not sure if I want to dwell on it. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

6. If you’re sending cupcakes, best not to give your loved one ones that say this.

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won't they?

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won’t they?

7. If you want to get some for Valentines Day, it’s best to be up front about it.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying "I'm horny for you" with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying “I’m horny for you” with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

8. What can go wrong with a teddy bear on your cake, assuming you and your beloved are into that sort of thing.

Assuming that your kids aren't around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

Assuming that your kids aren’t around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

9. Of course, sometimes it’s okay to go a little different once in awhile.

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

10. For the one you’d want to tell to eat their heart out.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn't seem to have any eyes.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn’t seem to have any eyes.

11. What better way to tell your sweetheart that they make you feel warm and light up your life.

Though the heart saying "You + Me" is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

Though the heart saying “You + Me” is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

12. Perhaps this is the best way to say Happy Valentines Day to your loved one and tell them that it’s strictly physical.

And if you're a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

And if you’re a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

13. What better way to tell your sweetheart they’re the key to your heart or that they satisfy your primal urges like no other.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man's heart is through his penis.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man’s heart is through his penis.

14. Perhaps this Princess Bride inspired cake can never underestimate the value of true love.

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own "sword."

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own “sword.”

15. So who can ever resist roses on Valentines Day?

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

16. Because there is never a better way to tell your sweetheart you’ve been shot in the heart, literally.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it's better if the heart isn't anatomically correct.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it’s better if the heart isn’t anatomically correct.

17. Of course, what better way to express your wish to see other people without having to confront them in person than sending your significant other a cake like this.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it's chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn't deserve you anyway.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it’s chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn’t deserve you anyway.

18. Yet, what better way to tell your significant other that you hate them and have been planning to ditch them for a long time.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it's probably better if you throw it at them.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it’s probably better if you throw it at them.

19. For women: Best way to wish your man Happy Valentines Day and that you want him to get a vasectomy.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it's clear that she doesn't want any (or anymore) kids.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it’s clear that she doesn’t want any (or anymore) kids.

20. Happy Valentines Day from your nightmares.

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

21. For men: What better way to wish your woman Happy Valentines Day as well as tell her that you’re planning to have her sleep with other guys for money.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

22. Best way to wish your significant other “Happy Valentines Day, my ass!”

This is actually pretty clever but I don't think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

This is actually pretty clever but I don’t think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

23. Best way to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day and that they’re stuck with you.

Somehow I'm not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don't know, I just find it disturbing.

Somehow I’m not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don’t know, I just find it disturbing.

24. No Valentines cake can be as sickeningly sweet as this….creature here.

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it's very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it’s very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

25. What better way to say “Be Mine” than a cake of a dead bee.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

26. There is no better way to tell your sweetheart that they give the best, well, you figure it out.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ's but they probably don't want that written on a cake.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ’s but they probably don’t want that written on a cake.

27. What better way to say “Be Mine” than with a heart shaped cake with what appears to be bees, I think.

Though they don't have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

Though they don’t have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

28. Happy Valentines Day from the bottom of my colon? Wait  a minute.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

29. Happy Valentines Day from the Heart Monster.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

30. The best way to tell you’re significant other that you’re not that into them.

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

31. Happy Valentines Day from the Cookie Monster. No, I don’t mean that Cookie Monster.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

32. Happy Valentines Day from the heart cookie eating monster from Pac-Man, I think.

Still, at least it's eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can't see how anyone would think this is cute.

Still, at least it’s eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can’t see how anyone would think this is cute.

33. Happy Valentines Day from this googly eyed thingy. Seriously I don’t know what it is.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. "It's a trap." Yeah.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” Yeah.

34. Of course, there some important things you don’t want to mention on Valentines Day.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you'd have this cake all over your face.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you’d have this cake all over your face.

35. A cake that could break your beloved’s heart.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel. Still, at least you can binge on this cake to soothe your unending pain.

36. Nothing says Valentines Day like green and gray roses.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

37. Of course, sometimes a cake can help bring the relationship to the next level.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she'll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she’ll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

38. A Valentines cake that nobody asked for.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don't think I want a heart cake resembling someone's rear end with a thong. This is awful.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don’t think I want a heart cake resembling someone’s rear end with a thong. This is awful.

39. Not like I was going to ask you but thanks for telling me.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn't mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you're looking for.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn’t mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you’re looking for.

40. Nothing like a cake to show your valentine how desperate you are for their love.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers

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When it comes to music, sometimes an album cover can make all the difference in marketing. Some of them are awesome and iconic that people remember the artist and album forever like the Beatles Abbey Road and others, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and others. However, we’re not going to focus on the albums of legends here. Instead, I’m focusing on some of the tackiest of the trade (within reason) so you all can laugh at them. So without further adieu here are some terrible album covers that should never have been created. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Ken: By Requests Only

Sure I'll be taking requests, just not from this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

Sure I’ll be taking requests, just not by this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

See all your 1970’s fashion horrors all on one album cover. I mean the guy has a 1970’s porn stache and leisure suit which kind of suggests his day job.

2. I Aint Into That!: The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III

This guy is sure ain't looking gangsta in that picture.

This guy is sure ain’t looking gangsta in that picture.

That portrait is highly inappropriate for a rap album. Seriously, the title may be make it seem like a rap title but the presentation seems to remind me of the 1960s R&B Motown.

3. Manowar Anthology

Either that or in a 1980s fantasy porn movie.

Either that or in a 1980s fantasy porn movie.

Okay, somehow this album image reminds me of a 1980s hair band on a Harlequin romance novel cover.

4. Orleans: Walking and Dreaming

Of course, these guys don't keep any secrets from each other and may even have orgies.

Of course, these guys don’t keep any secrets from each other and may even have orgies.

Actually their chests don’t look that bad but the guys seem to be too close and personal, suggesting that they may be more than friends.

5. Freddy Gage: All My Friends Are Dead

This would've been better if it featured a dinosaur instead. At least we would know why all his friends are dead.

This would’ve been better if it featured a dinosaur instead. At least we would know why all his friends are dead.

So give this album to police so they would know where he hid their bodies.

6. Junior Parker: Love Ain’t Nothin’ But a Business Going On

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a ho to me. Sorry, NAACP.

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a prostitute to me. Sorry, NAACP, but it just does.

Of course, this album cover is very suggestive on what kind of business his love may be: a prostitution ring. Unless “Junior” is the girl in the picture, then she’s probably a hooker.

7. The Simmons: “Touch of God”

Of course, these ladies may need the touch of God since their sense of fashion is going to doom them to Hell.

Of course, these ladies may need the touch of God since their sense of fashion is going to doom them to Hell.

And the loss of fashion sense. God, the pattern of the women’s dress is more appropriate for a couch.

8. Joyce

Also, has worse fashion sense than I do with that awful looking dress and old lady hair.

Also, has worse fashion sense than I do with that awful looking dress and old lady hair.

Or your dad’s third grade teacher like you’ve never seen her before.

9. “Jesus Use Me” by the Faith Tones

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I’m thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Or the old CVS employees with 1960s hair that use more hair products than the cast of Hairspray put together.

10. The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

Feel free to break in shits and giggles over this one. Still, I hope "Him" refers to God, please.

Feel free to break in shits and giggles over this one. Still, I hope “Him” refers to God, please.

Is it just me, or do 1970s Christian labels have bad album cover designers. Also, any album with “Ministers” and “Let Me Touch Him” sounds very, very wrong.

11. The Hollywood Playboys Orchestra: Music for Playboys to Play by

I mean the guy's Satan and is up to no good. The girl is obviously drinking and has loose inhibitions. Perhaps this is an album featuring "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

I mean the guy’s Satan and is up to no good. The girl is obviously drinking and has loose inhibitions. Perhaps this is an album featuring “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

So you can be the devil to the woman at the party. Is it just me or does cover seems to suggest date rape or something?

12. Bruno Maltise: Heaven’s Hitman

Repent, sinner, or this guy will make you swim with fishes. Seriously, he's here to show us that God's grace is an offer we can't refuse.

Repent, sinner, or this guy will make you swim with fishes. Seriously, he’s here to show us that God’s grace is an offer we can’t refuse.

And by looking at his picture, I can certainly believe it.

13. Brainstorm: Smile a While

This is wrong. Really wrong. Then again, they probably got the clothes from Victoria's Secret since they look good on the models. Perhaps this album is a tribute to them.

This is wrong. Really wrong. Then again, they probably got the clothes from Victoria’s Secret since they look good on the models. Perhaps this album is a tribute to them.

While I have no qualms of guys in women’s clothes, I’m not sure about seeing guys in women’s underwear. Also, is the person on the far right an actual woman?

14. Svetlana Gruebersolvik: My Lips Are for Blowing

And, boy, do her lips blow hard on wood, too. Just look at the cover.

And, boy, do her lips blow hard on wood, too. Just look at the cover.

From my years of playing clarinet in high school and college, I can guess anything related to blowing wood can carry a double meaning. I remember that old chant from my high school years: “Who are we?” “Yough woodwinds!” “What do we do?” “We blow wood hard!” “Louder!” “We blow wood hard!”

15. Limbo Party

Because limbo isn't limbo unless you have to go under a rope set on fire so your hair doesn't burn to a crisp.

Because limbo isn’t limbo unless you have to go under a rope set on fire so your hair doesn’t burn to a crisp.

When going under the limbo stick may result in first degree burns or hair singing when you touch it.

16. John Graas: Jazz Labs 2

Of course, he probably keeps his acid stashed in that French horn of his.

Of course, he probably keeps his acid stashed in that French horn of his.

Didn’t know jazz artists made their own acid or played French horn.

17. Mike Crain Karatist Preacher: God’s Power

Because the cement blocks aren't just going to break with his hands alone.

Because the cement blocks aren’t just going to break with his hands alone.

Perhaps this is the 1970’s way of appealing to a younger demographic.

18. Chanukah Carols

Now I know what Hanukah Joe looks like and he's kind of freaky like Santa. Also, where's the menorah?

Now I know what Hanukah Joe looks like and he’s kind of freaky like Santa. Also, where’s the menorah?

Perfect if you’re a Jew who wants to get the kiddies excited in the Chanukah festivities without them asking you why you don’t celebrate Christmas.

19. Tex Williams: Smoke, Smoke, Smoke

Of course, side effects include: cancer, emphysema, COPD, stroke, heart attack, loss of lung, rapid aging, and all kinds of health problems probably leading to an early demise. Not to mention, smoking kills 1/3 of its users.

Of course, side effects include: cancer, emphysema, COPD, stroke, heart attack, loss of lung, rapid aging, and all kinds of health problems probably leading to an early demise. Not to mention, smoking kills 1/3 of its users.

Later retitled: Croak, Croak, Croak.

20. Hey, Mr. Banjo

Get this creepy blackface guy outta here before the NAACP sees this.

Get this creepy blackface guy outta here before the NAACP sees this since they’d rather perish in a pit of fire before seeing an image that even remotely reminds them of the offensive blackface minstrel show. Perhaps the most racist and offensive album cover I’ve seen yet.

The sight of this album is sure to start race riots, especially in the South. Sad to say but this album would’ve looked a lot better if the guy didn’t wear blackface. And everyone would be a lot happier, too.

21. Music for Big Dame Hunters

Of course, I wonder how many innocent animals had to die to get this hideous album cover. Also, what's with the arrows in the safari hat?

Of course, I wonder how many innocent animals had to die to get this hideous album cover. Also, what’s with the arrows in the safari hat?

Of course, a cover like this would make PETA scream in horror and then use the ad pitch in one of their commercials.

22.Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk, Too

Of course, ents and the Lorax may know that but I think they'd still be freaked out by woman and dummy sex pairings.

Of course, ents and the Lorax may know that but I think they’d still be freaked out by woman and dummy sex pairings.

And so do dummies, apparently. Tell me this is an album and not a horror movie.

23. Tijuana Brass: Whipped Cream & Other Delights

So much whipped cream, so needlessly wasted on that lady. Of course, if it's shaving cream, at least she didn't have to shave her legs.

So much whipped cream, so needlessly wasted on that lady. Of course, if it’s shaving cream, at least she didn’t have to shave her legs.

I’m sure no one wants a naked woman in their topping, no matter how sexy she may be.

24. The Braillettes: Our Hearts Keep Singing

Those poor ladies. Why do record labels subject them to such cruelty for those aspiring in the music business.

Those poor ladies. Why do record labels subject them to such cruelty for those aspiring in the music business.

This is a very terrible form of abuse to blind people, especially putting them in pastel dresses and 1960s hairstyles.

25. Erick and Beverly Messegee: Amen!

Seriously, Christians, what's with the attractive women and dummies on your albums? Look, I know many of you think homosexuality is unnatural but at least gays want to have relationships with actual people.

Seriously, Christians, what’s with the attractive women and dummies on your albums? Look, I know many of you think homosexuality is unnatural but at least gays want to have relationships with actual people. Methinks you protest too much.

This is probably a heartwarming album by an elderly dummy and his hot trophy wife.

26. Count Your Blessings by Willie Sutherland

Of course, for those who don't know what The Night of the Hunter is about note that the Reverend Powell is a bluebeard preacher who's willing to kill women and children just to get a hold of their money.

Of course, for those who don’t know what The Night of the Hunter is about note that the Reverend Powell is a bluebeard preacher who’s willing to kill women and children just to get a hold of their money.

It seems that this adorable little girl is standing on a pew with two ministers dressed like the Reverend Powell from The Night of the Hunter.

27. God Isn’t Dead!: By Gertrude Bethanna

Apparently God doesn't seem to help this woman's substance abuse problem. Seriously, Christians, what's with the pretty woman and the booze bottles and hypo needle?

Apparently God doesn’t seem to help this woman’s substance abuse problem. Seriously, Christians, what’s with the pretty woman and the booze bottles and hypo needle?

God may not be dead but he may be wondering why there are a bunch of booze bottles and hypodermic needles in the background.

28. Xavier Cugat and His Orchestra: Bread, Love, and Cha Cha Cha

Apparently, he loves his bread a lot more than he loves women. Doesn't seem much interested in her.

Apparently, he loves his bread a lot more than he loves women. Doesn’t seem much interested in her. I sense he seems to go for the French loaves, doesn’t he?

Guess he’s kind of “pansexual” meaning he’s into bread.

29. John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

Either this is about something regarding the age of consent or her driver’s license. Let’s hope it’s her driver’s license.

Look, buddy, just because she’s at the age of consent doesn’t mean you can’t be subjected to Megan’s Law. Seriously, this is a terrible album cover.

30. Forsaken Doll by Maria Leonora

Perhaps she's the ex-girlfriend of Chucky using the Taylor Swift model of therapy. I think Chucky may have had a good reason to dump her though since she's creepy as hell.

Perhaps she’s the ex-girlfriend of Chucky using the Taylor Swift model of therapy. I think Chucky may have had a good reason to dump her though since she’s creepy as hell.

Nothing like a creepy doll on an album to give you nightmares.

31. Ritchie Family: Bad Reputation

At least the Ritchies know how to pick up hunky guys to pose for their album covers. Of course, there's a chance all those guys are gay.

At least the Ritchies know how to pick up hunky guys to pose for their album covers. Of course, there’s a chance all those guys are gay.

No wonder Lionel went solo.

32. Orion: Reborn

Of course, he just might be Mr. Fantastic embarking on a music career.

Of course, he just might be Mr. Fantastic embarking on a music career and Orion may just happen to be his stage name. He’s wearing a mask so his family doesn’t recognize him in this embarrassing photo from the 1970s.

I’m sorry but carnival masks and blue leisure suits just don’t mix.

33. Boned: Up at the Crack

I don't know how this guy got his guitar in his pants but I sure don't want to find out.

I don’t know how this guy got his guitar in his pants but I sure don’t want to find out.

Most unintentionally inappropriate album art ever.

34. Rat on!: Swamp Dogg

Of course, rats like the one on this album were probably once fed to Godzilla at one time as a midnight snack.

Of course, rats like the one on this album were probably once fed to Godzilla at one time as a midnight snack.

Featured on the cover with his giant genetically mutated rat.

35. Scorpions: Lovedrive

You're probably better off throwing your chewed up gum out the window. Besides, the lady is so not wearing a bra.

You’re probably better off throwing your chewed up gum out the window. Besides, the lady is so not wearing a bra.

Of course, this guy would’ve fondled his girlfriend’s breast until he found out she was using her chewing gum to keep her dress covered.

36. Foster Edwards’ Orchestra: What’s Next?

Of course, the mop top elephants probably ended up smashing a lot of the instruments so the orchestra had release this album to pay for repairs.

Of course, the mop top elephants probably ended up smashing a lot of the instruments so the orchestra had release this album to pay for repairs.

Of course, they had to make another album after the elephant Beatles cover band experiment failed horribly.

37. Mr. Bat Sings

Behold, the international singing sensation of your nightmares. Seriously, this clown is creepy.

Behold, the international singing sensation of your nightmares. Seriously, this clown is creepy.

Scary clown sings songs to keep you up all night or make your pants brown.

38. Satan Is Real by the Louvins Brothers

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they're probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they’re probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Yet, they don’t seem to be upset in the fiery hellscape.Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

And he clearly doesn’t seem to enjoy your taste in music.

39. Shut Up and Dance!: Dance before the Police Come

Of course, I don't think people would be scared of two shirtless black dudes with big ass machetes and numchucks. Because they'd be more scary with guns as far as some white people are concerned.

Of course, I don’t think people would be scared of two shirtless black dudes with big ass machetes and numchucks. Because they’d be more scary with guns as far as some white people are concerned.

Sure but what’s with the all the crazy weapons? I mean two machetes and numchucks?

40. Fire Down Under: Riot

Of course, you don't want to club this cute and terrifying baby seal. Or else it will kill you.

Of course, you don’t want to club this cute and terrifying baby seal. Or else it will kill you. Beware the baby seal of vengeance.

Apparently this cover was designed on behalf of baby seal protection because one of them may return for revenge against humanity.

41. Heino: Liebe Mutter

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy. Also, I'm not sure if that person's really a guy.

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy as well as more suited for some kind of Dieter inspired music video they seem to have in Germany.

From the guy who looks like an Andy Warhol stand-in holding roses.

42. I’m God’s Child by the Cooper Family

You'd think they'd know better and shop for a decent pair of clothes and get a sensible hairdo but no. Also, I hope they're actually in their house for I kind of fear for them getting pursued by evil spirits.

You’d think they’d know better and shop for a decent pair of clothes and get a sensible hairdo but no. Also, I hope they’re actually in their house for I kind of fear for them getting pursued by evil spirits.

Wholesome Christian family with no fashion sense standing in front of their medieval dungeon fireplace.

43. Devastatin’ Dave: Zip, Zap, Rap

Let's just say, no one would think this is a rap album if you dress like Bruce Springsteen on the cover. Also, a pink and black polo shirt for men?

Let’s just say, no one would think this is a rap album if you dress like Bruce Springsteen on the cover. Also, a pink and black polo shirt for men?

Is this a rap or exercise album? Seriously, that 1980s Tom Selleck look doesn’t seem to remind me of something a rapper would wear.

44. Johnny Guitar Watson: A Real Mother

Seriously, why have an baby carriage built for adults? Surely this guy's street cred is ruined.

Seriously, why have an baby carriage built for adults? Surely this guy’s street cred is ruined.

Sorry, but I don’t think the man sized baby carriage resembling a classy car sort of kills it for me.

45. Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts

Of course, dogs basically hump anything that moves, not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, there are probably some gay dogs around that enjoy music so maybe he's providing a service.

Of course, dogs basically hump anything that moves, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Still, there are probably some gay dogs around that enjoy music so maybe he’s providing a service.

Guess there’s something for everybody.

46. Dickie Harrell: Drums and More Drums

Either she's the daughter of Shiva or this is photoshopped (probably more likely). Still, this is pretty freaky.

Either she’s the daughter of Shiva or this is photoshopped (probably more likely). Still, this is pretty freaky.

Of course, since this is an album by a six armed drummer, it’s no wonder.

47. The Electric Amish: A Hard Day’s Work

They seem to consider a donkey as a member of their band. Of course, I hope they don't cause any offense with the actual Amish who probably never heard of this. Not to mention, I don't think these guys are Amish.

They seem to consider a donkey as a member of their band. Of course, I hope they don’t cause any offense with the actual Amish who probably never heard of this. Not to mention, I don’t think these guys are Amish.

Didn’t know an Amish group released a Beatles cover album. I thought they wouldn’t be into that sort of thing since they don’t care much for technology past the 18th century.

48. Lots of Love & Peace from Happy Louie, Julcia, and the Boys

Still, the designer was probably on some kind of brown acid from Woodstock.

Still, the designer was probably on some kind of brown acid from Woodstock. Also, whenever I see a psychedelic font, I want to see a psychedelic rock group, not a freaking polka band which this appears to be.

From the font, you may think this is a psychedelic rock album but it’s actually nothing of the sort.

49. Expose Yourself to Cajun Music and Johnny Janot

Sure he may do some shocking things to get people to hear his music but at least he's not showing his junk. He has a long coat to cover that up not that he's wearing anything underneath it.

Sure he may do some shocking things to get people to hear his music but at least he’s not showing his junk. He has a long coat to cover that up not that he’s wearing anything underneath it.

Apparently, this cover makes me want to avoid the latter. Still, this flashing Cajun musician is probably the Naked Cowboy’s father.

50. The Addicts Sing

Look, I don't know about you but if I want to hear the music of former drug addicts, I'd listen to a greatest hits compilation album of almost any genre. I mean drug addicts have done rock, R&B soul, country, classical, jazz, and others. Of course, this is a Christian album but still.

Look, I don’t know about you but if I want to hear the music of former drug addicts, I’d listen to a greatest hits compilation album of almost any genre. I mean drug addicts have done rock, R&B soul, country, classical, jazz, and others. Of course, this is a Christian album but still addiction is very common in the music industry.

Well, that’s nice there’s an album of former addicts singing but they hardly seem like addicts to me. However, the musical art form is no stranger when it comes to featuring artists with drug addictions so this is not even a novelty. Also, what’s with the skyscraper and the disembodied heads?

The Wonderful World of Sculpture

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Here is a bronze statue of “First Down” Archabbot Bonifice Wimmer in front of Saint Vincent Basilica and founder of Saint Vincent College, Saint Vincent Seminary, and Saint Vincent Archabbey. Of course, one of my reasons of posting this picture is because I attended Saint Vincent College from 2008-2012 graduating with a B. A. in history. Good times.

While my last post focused on painting, this one pertains to sculpture, another medium of artistic expression. Yet, as seen with the above picture of the late Boniface Wimmer, the founder of my college alma mater, sculpture can be found everywhere and are seen all over the place. For instance, Pittsburgh has a lot of statues of dinosaurs for some reason and not just in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History or the Carnegie Museum of Art. They also have plenty of dinosaurs outside that could be dressed a doctor or businessman. There’s even a T-Rex in the same attire of Mr. Rogers (Yes, he has his own dinosaur there and at Saint Vincent College since Latrobe was his hometown, look it up.) Still, enough with the local sculpture scene but I’m illustrating a point here. Yet, they also come in a variety of shapes and sizes from something you can hold in your hand, to ones larger than buildings which you can get inside of. And they can be cast in bronze, carved from marble, or from plenty of other materials. Yet, in this post I’m not going to talk about the great sculpting masterpieces. Instead, I’m focusing on works that should be recognized for sheer badness that they could be considered funny. So without further adieu, here are some of the tacky sculpture worthy of recognition. (I’m also keeping names anonymous here as well so will be the locations. Also, may contain some improper imagery.)

1. Bad Dog

Based on the best selling children's book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.

Based on the best selling children’s book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.

Nothing expresses a male dog’s urge disregard for civilization than a giant one peeing on a building.

2. Burnside Fountain or “Turtle Boy Love Statue”

If your kids want to know what bestiality is, this is a good illustration to show them.

Now what kind of sick demented artist could ever come up with this idea? This is kind of depraved or so it seems. And who in their mind could ever think of having this on display? Then again, sure is a good way to attract tourists and earn notoriety.

3. Washington as Zeus

Okay, kids, who wants to see our first US president shirtless and wearing a dress?
Of course, he’s also remembered for his great biceps, said no American historian ever.

Because it’s seems very unsettling to see the Father of his Country sporting a toga and a six pack. For God’s sake even the Lincoln Memorial statue depicts “The Great Emancipator” in his own period appropriate clothes.This is a very famous piece by the way and part of the Classical style at the time, but still.

4. Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boosts Mel Gibson's ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boost Mel Gibson’s ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Sure William Wallace was a great Scottish hero but no one seemed to get around with giving him a statue until after Braveheart. Of course, the reasons are obvious.

5. Ballerina Man

Now that's incredibly creepy and I've seen Black Swan.

Now that’s incredibly creepy and I’ve seen Black Swan and The Dark Knight.

Part clown, part ballerina, this statue will not only give your kids nightmares but also make it impossible to determine the figure’s gender.

6. El Mesteno

And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?

And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?

Giant horse statue- majestic. Giant blue horse statue- weird but all right. Giant blue horse statue with demonic red eyes – terrifying.

7. Boll Weevil Monument

Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.

Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.

Nothing makes your town more memorable than having a statue depicting an agricultural pest as a sacred animal.

8. Spomenik

I wonder if this statue has ever been mistakened for Darth Vader’s vacation home.

A kind of monument that could be mistaken for something the Galactic Empire would erect to remind everyone else that they run your planet now.

9. Mr. Rogers

For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this.

For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this. Maybe I don’t see anything about a giant bronze cast Mr. Rogers putting his tennis shoes on as something I shouldn’t be afraid of.

Somehow this statue of Mr. Rogers doesn’t really do justice to his good neighbor reputation. I mean a bronze cast of him tends to make him better suited for a Tim Burton movie than the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

10. Blue Longhorn Bull

His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.

His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.

Complete with extra long horns and a steady diet of shrooms. Did I mention the horns and hooves were silver?

11. Fighting Stallion Monument

Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?

Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?

Is it just me, or do those two horses don’t seem to be fighting for some reason? Reminds me more of a horse version of Brokeback Mountain to me.

12. Man Hanging Out

I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.

I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.

Now really, why would anyone think of creating a hanging man statue and then suspending him over the street? I wonder how many tourists are told by police, “Don’t worry, he’s not committing suicide. He’s always been like that since he was cast in bronze.”

13. Melting Cow

Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn't able to get back on its feet.

Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn’t able to get back on its feet. Also, what’s with the giant popsicle stick sticking out the cow’s ass?

Now this has to be influenced by a hallucinogenic drug induced surrealist dream. Or do cows actually melt when they hit the ground?

14. Cocozao

It's one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It's another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit from the clouds? Yeah, that's probably it.

It’s one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It’s another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit on the city from the clouds? Yeah, that’s probably it or the designer was a twelve-year-old boy who thought it was a dandy way to attract tourists with a shit fountain.

Believe it or not, it’s said to represent the Araucaria Pine. Looks like a giant turd on a stick. Did I mention it’s a fountain?

15. Mothman

Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.

Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.

Said to by a mythological creature rumored to live in a dynamite factory under a centuries old curse. Still, most people might see it as a robotic man moth version of a Godzilla adversary.

16. Peter the Great

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He’s on top of how many ships? Seriously, if anyone should be honored for founding a navy, one will simply do the trick. Several on top of each other is kind of overdoing it by a lot. I wonder if Peter is compensating for something here.

When I’m on a boat isn’t good enough. Still, as iconic as Peter the Great was for a Russian Czar, this statue is just plain ugly as well as an imposing eyesore. Good God, who was crazy enough to design this? Then again, czars were ruthless autocratic monarchs and Peter was a bit nuts.

17. Quetzalcoatl

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic heritage, what does this statue say about Mexico? Sorry if I offended any Mexicans. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit.

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic culture and heritage, what does this statue say about them? Sorry, Hispanics, no offense. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit. Still, the Hispanic community must seem a little insulted by how a statue meant to celebrate their heritage and culture resembles a gigantic dog turd.

Serpent Aztec God of Humanity, large snake, or giant dog turd?

18. Peace Statue

I'm not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.

I’m not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.

Because nothing is a better personification of peace than a naked stand-in for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz

Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide.

Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide. Be sure you don’t get on her bad side since she has a detachable tail under her dress as well as forked venomous tongue.

This woman was famous for being the wife of King George III, mother of George IV and William IV, and gave birth to fifteen kids, as well as grandmother to Queen Victoria. She has plenty of royal descendants all over the European royal families as well as a city in North Carolina named after her. Yet, here she’s depicted as a lizard queen.

20. The Giant Spider

It's coming to get you. Tell me, you're not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.

It’s coming to get you. Tell me, you’re not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.

Now how would any agoraphobe would want to go to work having to see this every day? Not very pleasant. Also, who ever thought of erecting a statue of something that is more appropriate for a horror movie?

21. The Struggle Against World Terrorism

Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don't notice any resemblance. Of course, it's said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.

Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don’t notice any resemblance. Of course, it’s said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.

Is it just me but does this statue seem to resemble what one 9/11 survivor called “a cross between a scar and a female sex organ?” And this was erected to honor 9/11 victims?

22. Walter Johnson

Seriously, what's with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he's related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he's the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.

Seriously, what’s with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he’s related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he’s the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.

Nicknamed “Big Train” and famed for being the greatest pitcher in baseball history, this statue depicts him as a four armed character more suited for a video game or the X-Men.

23. General Nathan Bedford Forrest

Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo' negro asses. Still, it's one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who's tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It's another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.

Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo’ negro asses. Still, it’s one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who’s tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It’s another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.

Confederate hero on a golden horse and all out nutcase from this statue. Also, doesn’t help that he’s said to have found the KKK and may have ordered a massacre of Union soldiers.

24. Bl. Father Junipero Serra OFM

I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it's hard to take such a figure seriously if he's depicted like a giant cartoon character.

I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it’s hard to take such a figure seriously if he’s depicted like a giant cartoon character.

Sure this guy may be on the road to sainthood but I can’t help but wonder if he’s the mascot of the San Diego Padres.

25. Tugendbrunnen or “Fountain of the Virtues”

For some reason, someone had the great idea of the fountain spraying the water from the horns of angels and the women’s nipples in high pressure lactation. Guess Renaissance sculptors weren’t as wholesome as you thought they would. Well, at least they weren’t men spraying water from their, well, you know.

Sure this may be a famous fountain designed during the Renaissance but look closer and you see this may be more appropriate adorning the Renaissance equivalent of The Playboy Mansion than any public square. And yet this is a public fountain.

26. Bl. Pope John Paul II

Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don't know.

Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don’t know.

Of course, what better way to honor the late Holy Father who helped bring down Communism than this bronze statue of him with a head almost like Mussolini and barely anything underneath his long flowing cloak? This is what the Vatican calls “a permanent and sacrilegious mud stain” on the late pope’s memory. Sacrilegious or not, it sure is an ugly example of minimalistic modern art.

27. Martin Luther King Jr.

This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It's creepy.

This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It’s creepy.

Sure Martin Luther King Jr. was a great civil rights leader who helped end racial segregation in the South. Yet, I’m not sure if an appropriate way to honor him would be putting his bust on a large silver ball.

28. Vigelands Parken Man Kicking Babies

Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.

Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.

Sure this may be some legendary figure in Norway, but what reason would anyone want to see a statue of a naked man hurting babies? This is sick! What do you mean the tykes are evil genii? Still, doesn’t make it right.

29. WWII Memorial Statue

Clearly he's a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he's been in a stony mood for ages.

Clearly he’s a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he’s been in a stony mood for ages. He may want some friends like the guys on Mount Rushmore or Stone Mountain.

Or as I’d like to call it “Mean Man of the Mountain.”

30. Mother Motherland

With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling "Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!"

With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling “Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!” Definitely a mother who strikes fear in her own children like the Soviet Union and satellite Cold War nations.

She may be the personification of Mother Russia but she is sure fierce and can kill you like the Russian winter or the KGB.

The Wonderful World of Painting

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The only masterpiece you will ever see in this blog post.

For centuries works of art like the firing squad painting above have always moved us and influenced our culture each in a piece’s own special way. Unfortunately The artworks I’m showing in this post do none of that but are still noteworthy in its own way for their sheer badness and their tendency to incite shits and giggles. Also, many of them may tend to make my art major sister at VCU wish she was in front of Goya’s firing squad as shown above. Still, just for the record, I’m keeping many of the artists’ names anonymous for good measure because no one wants to be recognized for art so bad it becomes unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a list of all the great artistic blunders. (I will be showing nude pictures in this since this is an art post, just so you know. And fortunately, for my sister, I’m certainly not showing anything by Thomas Kinkade for I know better than to post pictures of his disasterpieces. This is bad art you can enjoy for it’s own sake.)

1. Lucy in the Sky with Flowers

From The Museum of Bad Art: "The motion, the chair, the sway of her breast, the subtle hues of the sky, the expression on her face -- every detail combines to create this transcendent and compelling portrait, every detail cries out 'masterpiece.'"

From a Museum of Bad Art patron: “Dear Sirs,
!Bravissimo! Thank you! “Lucy” is clearly the key work in the collection. As with all great art, extended viewing reveals endless layers of mysteries: What is Norman Mailer’s head doing on an innocent grandma’s body, and are those crows or F-16’s skimming the hills?”
By the way, the late Norman Mailer was a well-known American intellectual and author who most people on the internet don’t know about so his name won’t come to mind.

For some reason this old woman with flowers kind of reminds me of Miss Finster from Recess (for those who were once kids in the 1990s). And it doesn’t help matters that she’s sitting on a chair you can barely see.

2. Mama and Babe

Undead mother and child hungry for your brains. Nice delicious brains!

Undead mother and child hungry for your brains. Nice delicious brains!

The only painting that not only shows the touching bond between mother and child but also the irresistible hunger for human flesh during a zombie apocalypse.

3. Reef Garden

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea party of your nightmares.

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea musical extravaganza of your nightmares.

Inspired by someone who watched a Cirque Du Soleil show under the influence of the brown acid.

4. Inspiration

The organist must be on some serious hallucinogenic drugs to see such visions like that. Or perhaps God really works in mysterious ways.

The organist must be on some serious hallucinogenic drugs to see such visions like that. Or perhaps God really works in mysterious ways.

A talented 19th century organist summons the ghost of zombie Jesus Christ and a medieval monk while playing at the Sunday service in the cathedral.

5. Think Again

From MOBA: "This disturbing work "makes an offer you can't refuse". The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society's reflexive use of force, and the artist's inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal." Of course, this could be a juxtaposition of Thriller meets The Godfather.

From MOBA: “This disturbing work “makes an offer you can’t refuse”. The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society’s reflexive use of force, and the artist’s inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal.”
Of course, this could be a pop culture juxtaposition of Thriller meets The Godfather.

Of course, nothing says “masterpiece” than a picture of a lifelike horse’s head being held by Michael Jackson after a sex change.

6. The Contortionist

Of course, anyone with a contortionist fetish has seen more than they wanted to see. Still, this is pretty horrifying if you think about it.

Of course, anyone with a contortionist fetish has seen more than they wanted to see. Still, this is pretty horrifying if you think about it.

An erotic image of a contortionist and her nightmarish interior skeleton.

7. Gina’s Demons

From MOBA: "Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this blonde, blue-eyed beauty in a see-through blouse. Her world is cracking apart at the edges, but her careful hairdo and makeup show us that she knows it's important to keep up appearances." Also, it seems the demons tend to find Gina's blond hair rather appetizing.

From MOBA: “Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this blonde, blue-eyed beauty in a see-through blouse. Her world is cracking apart at the edges, but her careful hairdo and makeup show us that she knows it’s important to keep up appearances.”
Also, it seems the demons tend to find Gina’s blond hair rather appetizing.

Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this well-kempt Victoria’s Secret model in her see-through nightie.

8. Chiquita

Behind the tropical fruit spokeswoman with bare breast is a hellscape reminding of impeding doom that will eventually turn her into a fossil.

Behind the tropical fruit spokeswoman with bare breast is a hellscape reminding of impeding doom that will eventually turn her into a fossil.

Nothing like a sight of a woman adorned in fresh fruit than seeing her in the midst of a volcanic eruption.

9. Woman Riding Crustacean

Of course, this woman shouldn't be surprised about getting crabs afterwards.

Of course, this woman shouldn’t be surprised about getting crabs afterwards.

Because nothing is any more erotic than a naked woman riding atop a giant lobster.

10. An I for an Eye

There may be some symbolism involved but the crying eyes tree and naked woman trunk doesn't much make sense to me.

There may be some symbolism involved but the crying eyes tree and naked woman trunk doesn’t much make sense to me.

Never seen before an eye tree with a trunk shaped like a naked woman possibly painted by someone on acid.

11. Dissent from the Pedestal

Lady Liberty doesn't seem to care much anymore. Hey, what's with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

Lady Liberty doesn’t seem like herself lately. Hey, what’s with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

From MOBA: “Infuriated and distraught about the state of the world, the iconic Lady of the Harbor has come down from her traditional perch, bemoaning the fact that, despite global warming, her day in the sun seems to have passed.”

12. He Was a Friend of Mine

From MOBA: "The artist is a skilled watercolorist, as is evident by his knowledgeable use of negative space to create the ghostly husky. The sparkle in the eyes of the see-through cat brings a discordant, evil glint to an otherwise soft and peaceful scene. 'Who else thinks it's a good idea to eat from my bowl?'"

From MOBA: “The artist is a skilled watercolorist, as is evident by his knowledgeable use of negative space to create the ghostly husky. The sparkle in the eyes of the see-through cat brings a discordant, evil glint to an otherwise soft and peaceful scene. ‘Who else thinks it’s a good idea to eat from my bowl?'”

Evil cat summons the ghostly image of husky to inflict his angry wrath upon humanity.

13. March Madness

Of course, the basketball metaphor might actually make sense. Could it be that March Madness was once an ancient pagan ritual to mark the transition from winter to spring with the vernal equinox?

Of course, the basketball metaphor might actually make sense. Could it be that March Madness was once an ancient pagan ritual to mark the transition from winter to spring with the vernal equinox?

From the Museum of Bad Art: “In like a lion, out like a lamb, the glorious thrill of victory and the deathlike agony of defeat are portrayed in this homage to the annual spring classic.”

14. Juggling Dog in Hula Skirt

This artwork makes no sense. Also, the dog is standing upright as if in an anthropomorphic setting. He could also be Rowlf's hippie brother who ran off with the circus.

This artwork makes no sense. Also, the dog is standing upright as if in an anthropomorphic setting. He could also be Rowlf’s hippie brother who ran off with the circus.

Because someone on acid had the artistic pointlessness to depict a bone juggling dog in a hula skirt.

15. Lobster Lady

Seriously, who'd want to keep lobsters as pets? And shouldn't they be in the pot instead of crawling on the table?

Seriously, who’d want to keep lobsters as pets? And shouldn’t they be in the pot instead of crawling on the table?

Because nothing shows the love and togetherness like a young girl and her pet lobster.

16. Nude with the Eyes

House Speaker John Boehner, have I got a perfect woman for you.

House Speaker John Boehner, have I got a perfect woman for you.

Woman who spent too much time in a tanning salon or the spawn of one of those porn star and Oompa Loompa pairings?

17. You’ve Got to Be Kidding

Her thirst for blood is as red as her dress.

Her thirst for blood is as red as her dress.

Sure she may have a cross around her neck, but her eyes say she’s out for blood.

18. Ghoulfriend

Can someone be a friend to this lonely ghoul? So he may be all bones underneath but he only goes haunting desperate for companionship.

Can someone be a friend to this lonely ghoul? So he may be all bones underneath but he only goes haunting desperate for companionship.

Though he may scare the bejesus out of people, he’s really looking for a friend.

19. Sad Girl with Poodle

Never underestimate this creepy sad girl's wrath. And what's with the poodle?

Never underestimate this creepy sad girl’s wrath. And what’s with the poodle?

An Oompa Loompa girl after hearing about her dad getting involved in a horrible accident at Wonka’s factory.

20. Tika, Kitty in Paradise

Of course, this may be a Persian delusion of grandeur for a Fancy Feast Gourmet Cat Food ad.

Of course, this may be a Persian delusion of grandeur for a Fancy Feast Gourmet Cat Food ad.

Behold, the giant Persian, all bow down to him.

21. A Tree Grows in Boston

Still, I don't understand why this guy had a yellow head and a purple hand? Yet, he seems fixated on that tree for some reason.

Still, I don’t understand why this guy had a yellow head and a purple hand? Yet, he seems fixated on that tree for some reason.

Creepy androgynous person sees tree out the window with eyes matching the sky depicting absence of soul and personality.

22. Vanishing Woman

And yet another reason why nuclear power is bad. Of course, this woman got killed in that awful radiation blast that her ghost glows in the dark.

And yet another reason why nuclear power isn’t bad. Also, try to touch her and you risk exposure to radiation poisoning, which you certainly don’t want. Field could’ve also been a nuclear testing site like Los Alamos since they say she appears out west like Nevada, Arizona, or New Mexico.

Legend tells of a glowing vanishing woman who appears at night in the farm fields. It’s said she glows like that because the field was once the sight of an explosion of a nuclear power facility.

23. Play Boy Bunnies

Most horrifying Playboy Bunnies I have ever seen. They are said to have been former Playboy Playmates who became part of some mad scientist's experiment.

Most horrifying Playboy Bunnies I have ever seen. They are said to have been former Playboy Playmates who became part of some mad scientist’s experiment.

More like the Ferocious Porno Bunnies from Hell if you ask me.

24. The Undefeated

Give em' one for the Lord! Seriously, why put Jesus in a boxing ring? Still, I can understand why Islam forbids pictures of Muhammad. And there are plenty of tacky Jesus pictures I'm sure.

Give em’ one for the Lord! Seriously, why put Jesus in a boxing ring? Still, I can understand why Islam forbids pictures of Muhammad. And there are plenty of tacky Jesus pictures I’m sure.

Nothing defines Jesus as the Prince of Peace than depicting him in an arena associated with hand to hand combat.

25. Blue Pesto

It’s said this monster’s existence is the stuff of legend wherever it’s from be it some Slavic or Muslim country or someone’s hallucinogenic drug induced imagination?

Don’t look now but it seems that this entire city was built over a blue sea monster.

26. Diaper Babies Gone Wild!

Sure they may seem like two little harmless tykes frolicking in the meadow, until you take a closer look that is. Pictures of children don't really seem to turn out right.

Sure they may seem like two little harmless tykes frolicking in the meadow, until you take a closer look that is. Pictures of children don’t really seem to turn out right.

Sure they may be little but they are little shit machines of doom.

27. Two Trees in Love

Of course, they could both be just settling for one another since they live in such close proximity and that there's no one else.

Of course, they could both be just settling for one another since they live in such close proximity and that there’s no one else.

Seriously, how does that work out in nature?

28. Spewing Rubik’s Cubes

Now how can this guy manage to put a Rubik's cube into a bunch of little pieces in order to spit them all out?

Now how can this guy manage to put a Rubik’s cube into a bunch of little pieces in order to spit them all out?

From MOBA: “This image of the classic 1980s toys emanating from a jester gargoyle’s mouth can only be described as puzzling.”

29. Safe at Home

Sure he may have won the game today, but there's a good chance he may take a permanent leave of absence after being eaten and all.

Sure he may have won the game today, but there’s a good chance he may take a permanent leave of absence after being eaten and all.

As the old town favorite scores a home run, he and the catcher are devoured by some mysterious headless monster.

30. On Vacation in Italy

Seriously, what's with the dead houseplants in front of a beach view sunset? It's kind of depressing.

Seriously, what’s with the dead houseplants in front of a beach view sunset? It’s kind of depressing.

Should more or less be called, “Forgot to Tell the Neighbors to Water My Houseplants While I’m Gone.”

For More:

The Museum of Bad Art (MOBA): http://www.museumofbadart.org/

Seattle’s Bad Art Museum of Art: http://officialbadartmuseumofart.com/

Bad Art Museum of Ohio: http://badartmuseumofohio.blogspot.com/

Museum of Particularly BAD Art: http://www.mopba.org/

Bert Christensen’s Weird, Strange, & Just Plain Bad Art: http://bertc.com/weird/index.htm

How to Survive a Film Noir

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Around the 1940s and 1950s came a genre in which the lighting is low, the crime and violence are rife, and everyone is trying to use you or kill you. Oh, and the atmosphere is very pessimistic and everyone basically smokes or drinks and lives in the city. In short, you have film noir in which is part crime drama as well as thriller and emphasizes the cynical attitudes and motivations. Sometimes you even have a horror element since many villains tend to do really horrific things, but they’re mostly gangsters for hire. Still, you got plenty of dead bodies and shooting since, well, this is a pretty dark film genre and let’s just say, you’re going to need some guidance if you want to get out alive. And this is the place where I’m going to lay it you straight.

1. Keep it in your pants. (I can never stress this enough since a lot of trouble can be avoided this way. Then again, it also depends who you sleep with. Still, keeping it in your pants will not only save yourself but also the lives of those around you.)

2. If you’re a smart gentleman, stay away from gorgeous dames even if they’re your clients. (I don’t care how horny you are, if she’s out of your league, stay the hell away from her. Highly attractive women are nothing but trouble, especially if she’s married. There’s a reason why we call those dames, femme fatales.)

3. If you’re a woman, dress as plain or frumpy as possible. The more unattractive you look the better. (Film noir is one of the few genres where being an unattractive woman is actually an asset. Sure you may not get a lot of guys ogling at you but at least you’ll live for the most part. Unattractive men, not so much.)

4. Be in a happy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse, a healthy relationship with your family, stable finances, a squeaky clean record, and with no connections to law enforcement or an organized crime syndicate. (Many problems in film noir usually stem from bad relationships with spouses and family, money problems, criminal past, or connections to law enforcement or organized crime.)

5. Have a healthy relationship with your romantic partner based on reciprocated love as well as mutual trust and fidelity. (A relationship based on mutual  lust {which most romantic relationships are in film noir}, is one-sided, unhealthy, or has at least one unfaithful partner, you’re chances of surviving are slim. Unhealthy relationships in film noir usually end very, very badly. And in unhappy film noir marriages, divorce is not really an option.)

6. Don’t shoot anyone unless you really have to like if someone is pointing a gun at you. (Committing first-degree murder will result in lower survival odds or the clink. Self-defense may not have much better odds.)

7. Occupations to avoid: private investigator, policeman, boxer, nightclub entertainer, gangster, bar tender, waiter, nightclub owner, drifter, con artist, insurance agent, writer, journalist, musician, gambler, pawnbroker, restauranteur, socialite, heiress, and trophy wife.

8. Remember, don’t put a lot of trust in other people, especially strangers. Rather don’t trust anybody until their true character alignment is known. (For even those you trust can easily stab you in the back both figuratively and literally.)

9. If you’re a man, stay away from seemingly wholesome mysterious women who may need your help. (They have something to hide and aren’t really so wholesome once you get to know them. And they’re certainly not helpless either.)

10. Avoid nightclubs, warehouses, bars, gambling dens, and juke joints. (They may be run by an organized crime syndicate and are dens of nothing but trouble. That or the bad guys just hang out there, but you still might want to avoid them.)

11. Don’t be a henchman. (It’s film noir’s equivalent to a redshirt since they may have to take it from both sides. Not only do they have to worry about being killed by the good guy but the bad guy may have them take the fall or for other purposes.)

12. If you’re falsely accused of a crime, get away as far as you can and don’t expect justice to prevail. (Because sometimes it doesn’t and you may end up getting killed eventually.)

13. Don’t plan to kill anyone. (Because if you follow through with it, your days will be numbered. And let’s just say, you may be subject to the death penalty. Still, one way or another, it will catch up with you.)

14. If you have any information critical to the plot, tell the anti-hero or at least someone with a good character alignment. (Because you may simply be killed if you tell anyone else who may kill for it, even the cops. I mean you can’t trust anyone in film noir.)

15. Don’t do any job for a large sum of money. (You won’t have any opportunity to spend it.)

16. If someone tells you to get out of town, just do it and don’t look back. (I don’t care what’s on your conscience or if you’re emotionally invested in something, just get the hell out of there because something bad will happen.)

17. It helps if you’re not only the protagonist but also the voice-over narrator. (Well, assuming that these sequences aren’t flashbacks.)

18. Always travel with a buddy and only during the day. (Because you’re more likely to get shot during nighttime and alone.)

19. Remember, you may be born with a clean slate but if you do anything bad to anyone or break the law, it will catch up to you. (And sometimes you may be killed over it or arrested. In film noir, the good guys will get you for breaking the law and hurting one of their own, while the bad guys will get you for just about any excuse.)

20. Don’t get involved in con games, heists, or organized crime. (It won’t end well.)

21. If you’re a guy, don’t get involved in schemes involving a beautiful unhappily married woman wanting to kill her husband in hopes of attaining some degree of material gain. (Because even if you succeed, you and the woman will eventually end up dead by the end.)

22. If you’re a male private investigator, if an attractive woman asks you for help or protection, turn her down. (People may die if you accept.)

23. Expect betrayal. (Especially if you’re low on the totem pole and don’t have a lot of lines.)

24. If you’re a drifter, if you’re just passing through some place, just pass through. (If you stay awhile, something bad will happen.)

25. Remember that the good guys aren’t really that good but the bad guys may be especially evil.

How to Survive a Western

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Ah, westerns, a classic American movie genre set at a time and place when everyone had to do everything themselves, especially when it came to fighting Indians or regular law enforcement. A time of cowboys and Indians, outlaws and gunfighters, and a time when people from far and wide moved away from the east to start a life of their own and grow up with the country. Of course, knowing that most of these are set between 1865-1920 so you won’t have access to the convenient 21st century technology. Still, surviving in a western isn’t easy and if you find yourself in one, here are some steps you should follow. (Of course, don’t count on working out all the time.)

1. Be black or Asian. (Because as far as race goes, these two have among the lowest death rates since most westerns don’t have either of them. Sure being black or Asian in a western may mean being susceptible to demeaning stereotypes or terrible jobs for pittance but at least it’s better not having people who want to kill you. And even so, chances are good you’ll survive anyway regardless of role except maybe villain.)

2. Listen to the hero no matter how much of jerk he is because he is always right. (Sure John Wayne may be bully and a complete asshole but if you don’t listen to him, well, there’s going to be trouble. Of course, unless you’re Maureen O’Hara you might want to avoid sleeping with him).

3. Don’t mess with the hero. (The hero’s motives may not be pure but if you do anything to him or try to hinder his goal, well, you’re going to get it.)

4. Avoid saloons and banks. (Sedentary indoor gun shootings happen at these places 90% of the time. Also, brothels, bars, hotels, and dance halls count as saloons since they also serve booze.)

5. Don’t be in anything by Sam Peckinpah. (I can’t help you there given his movies make Quentin Tarantino films look like something from Disney. Come to think of it, you might have better odds in The Hunger Games than in a Sam Peckinpah western.)

6. Stay indoors when the guns go off. (Or else, you’ll end up shot as an innocent bystander.)

7. Horseback riding and sharpshooting are valuable skills. (Being skilled in at least one will help you tremendously.)

8. Remember that most weapons fire rounds beyond their capacity without reloading. (Westerns are notorious for having six shooters that fire more than six at a time before reloading.)

9. Don’t board trains carrying gold or weapons in the baggage car. (It will be targeted for a train robbery which will involve shooting and dead bodies.)

10. Don’t travel by stagecoach. (Trust me, it will be Indians, bandits, or both.)

11. If you’re challenged to fight against a guy who’s known for his fast reflexes or excellent aiming skills, get the hell out of town as soon as you can. (Sure you might be called a coward but at least you’ll survive.)

12. Don’t challenge people to duels. (Just don’t. The challenger usually gets shot and killed in these. If he survives, then welcome to hell.)

13. If you’re white, stay out of the Indian settlements. (I don’t care if you’re in the US Army and it’s your job to get them to surrender peacefully {which won’t happen}, if the nearby Indians aren’t bothering you, either establish friendly relations or leave them alone. Otherwise, you’ll end up like Boromir.)

14. If you’re an Indian, stay out of white settlements and be prepared to face evacuation or the white man at all times. (Seriously it really sucks being an Indian in westerns, doesn’t it? Even if you do these things, there may be no hope for you but the reservation, which may be fate worse than death.)

15. Whenever you enter a town, make sure that there are no Wanted posters with your picture on them. (If there is, get the hell out before anyone sees you. You will either face armed confrontations, be chased by a posse, be arrested by the sheriff, deal with a bounty hunter, or possibly lynched.)

16. Remember your guns and horses are your prized possessions and traveling companions. (Take good care of them and they’ll take good care of you.)

17. If you get hurt, remember that a veterinarian is just is good as any doctor around. (And if you need medical care, you’ll need the nearest doctor you can get if there’s any around. Besides, most doctors in westerns usually treat both people and livestock anyways regardless of their specialty.)

18. Remember fire safety is really important. (Especially, since this is a time when most people don’t have access to electric lighting and that most structures are built out of wood.)

19. When the town needs a new sheriff, don’t volunteer or talk about your exploits. (You don’t want to be sheriff in that town, because the last guy probably got killed and crime is pretty bad.)

20. Don’t go in front of charging large animals. (You will get trampled.)

21. Forget codes of honor and perhaps try to do your best to survive. (I mean you don’t have to face the bad guy if it’s going to get you killed. An early grave is far worse than being called a coward.)

22. Gathering a large posse is a great defense against a band of violent criminals on the loose. (And in westerns, you most criminals are violent or at least armed robbers at best.)

23. Best leave fighting invading Indians to the army cavalry instead of doing it yourself. (Except if it’s Custer at Little Big Horn, Fort Apache, or in some unavoidable situations.)

24. Always show respect and courtesy toward the Indians. (They may be your enemy but will be less likely to kill you if you treat them politely and you’re not in a large group. Only applies when you actually have to go to the Indian camp or want to trade.)

25. Friendly Indian sidekicks are very reliable outside civilization. (When it comes to surviving the wilderness, there’s no one better. Outlaws, mountain men, and trappers are very good as well since they know how to handle a gun.)

26. On the trail, circling your wagon is a great defense against Indian attacks. (They always do this in western movies set on the trail. However, in real life, Indian attacks on wagon trains hardly ever happened {since the Indians knew raiding them would be a very stupid thing}. Also, the circling wagons was more for keeping cattle in and took hours.)

27. If you’re in a bank being robbed, do whatever the bank robber says. (Because it will get ugly if you don’t.)

28. If you’re a guy, never underestimate women in the frontier. (Sure there’s a lot of sexism at the time but many women in westerns do know how to load and shoot a gun, have helped built their own houses, and has seen her share of adversity, especially if she’s much older. And if you have the wrath of Mattie Ross, then God help you.)

29. On the cattle drive, watch out for stampedes, rustlers, snakes, storms, flash floods, droughts, etc. (On second thought, maybe working on a cattle train is not a good idea.)

30. Basic knowledge of first aid will help tremendously. (Especially since there will be no medical establishment within miles.)

31. If your town is besieged by violent criminals, don’t be afraid of enlisting outside help even if it’s just a drifter with a mysterious past. (Of course, he will be played by John Wayne or Clint Eastwood anyway, so you’ll be fine.)

32. Just because the hero can survive after going through a hail of bullets doesn’t mean you should. (Somehow western heroes tend to be somewhat immune to bullets at least until the very end than most of the other characters.)

33. If you’re a famous western hero, make sure the movie doesn’t depict anything related to the Alamo or anything related to your demise. (If you’re David Crockett or Jim Bowie and the movie’s title is The Alamo, you won’t last.)

34. Remember anything can be edible if you’re desperate enough. (Even if it’s dead human flesh or grasshoppers.)

Why I Hate the History Channel

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I love history, so much such I decided to study it as a college major. There is so much to know about the past and understand ourselves like it was one big never ending story of mankind with all the intrigue included. I know that there’s a lot of violence, death, sex, and other unpleasant things (history isn’t a G-rated subject, you know) but I don’t mind reading about it or watching history documentaries. Actually, that’s how I find out most of history anyways apart from watching PBS, or studying it in college. However, I’m not a big fan of the History Channel and don’t like the content shown on there. In fact, I think it’s utter sensationalistic garbage in which the content has nothing to do with history, or is in any has any educational or cultural value whatsoever. Of course, I didn’t have cable as a kid, so I missed out on how the History Channel used to be back in the day when they showed actual historical documentaries with relevant information but at least there was PBS which still stays true to its original purpose. The History Channel, not so much since it has now become a network devoted to reality shows, pseudoscience, conspiracy theories, doomsday scenarios, and other things that have absolutely nothing to do with history. Of course, they went into a phase when that channel mostly showed stuff pertaining to WWII and Nazis but at least that was real history. Yet, whatever integrity this network used to have at an earlier time has now disintegrated into programming meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator and commercialism.

At an earlier time many would say that educational networks like the History Channel would replace PBS, a premise which has now become completely untrue. In fact, the decline of commercial educational television is all the more reason why PBS should continue receiving more government funding. Most of PBS’s content has remained unchanged since the 1970s and managed to retain it’s respected reputation as an outlet of quality programming regardless of their ratings. Sure it may air their crap during month long pledge breaks (at least my local affiliate does), but it’s not the end of the world. By contrast, the History Channel’s programming has changed drastically since its 1995 founding, from a network featuring documentaries to one producing almost anything to get ratings. Of course, straying from their formula has gotten big ratings (making me wonder what’s going on with America), but has lost it’s original soul and rarely airs something pertaining to history. And being a commercial for-profit network may be one of its reasons. Seeing how other commercial educational networks have declined considerably it’s no mystery why since media execs will likely sacrifice their content and identity for big ratings and big profits. Apparently educational programming doesn’t seem to attract big ratings so the commercial educational networks turn to reality shows and speculative stuff. Also, they’re cheaper to produce and don’t take much research. But just because the History Channel may get better ratings doesn’t mean the quality is good since they’ve already sacrificed that.

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Then there’s the notion on that The History Channel has changed it’s name to History even though it seems to be really stretching the definition. Back in the day, history used to mean the study of human events in the past since the invention of writing. Now thanks to The History Channel, it can have as mean almost anything you want it to be. Yeah, right. Still, here is a rough outline what content consists of history and which doesn’t:

History: wars, battles, ancient and medieval civilizations, documentary testimony and evidence, genuine artifacts and excavations, interpretations and analysis based on fact, and anything pertaining to the study of the past.

Not History: conspiracy theories, aliens, ghosts, anything set in the present, antiques selling, apocalyptic scenarios, doomsday prophecies, mythology, monsters, speculation on religion, pseudoscience, pseudohistory, and reality shows.

Guess which is on The History Channel? Whatever is on the “Not History” group.

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Look, when it comes to ancient ruins, I’m sure even the best archaeologists have their own theories on their construction but saying that they were built by aliens goes beyond ridiculous. Not to mention, it’s kind of insulting to the indigenous cultures of Africa, Asia, and the Americas who actually built such artifacts as if they weren’t intelligent or sophisticated enough to do so which we can’t fully understand in the all-knowing Western world. Well, maybe those cultures weren’t as uncivilized as people here make them out to be or that we don’t understand everything. Not to mention, we know most of the indigenous people built many of those structures themselves. And seriously, all the stuff about prophecies and apocalyptic scenarios may be appropriate on the Syfy Channel or The Twilight Zone but not on something with a name like History. Then you have stuff about conspiracy theories, which is all seen as speculative and subjective as well as probably not true. Besides, a lot of history’s mysteries don’t usually involve an elaborate conspiracy theory. As for reality shows, well, just don’t get me started. Sure you may have had ice truckers, pawn stores, and ax men in the past, but their shows examine their lives in the present yet unfortunately probably consists of the closest thing to educational programming on there besides Modern Marvels. At least The History Channel doesn’t have to make some stuff up from those shows but I’d usually refer reality shows as the bottom of the barrel in quality programming.

Yet, as with stuff they do show in the documentary style, much of it is filled with outright bullshit presented in an educational format. Look, I don’t mind the network talking about ancient religion or mythology since a significant portion of it can have some basis in fact and has cultural relevance. But saying something along the lines that “The Mayans were right,” is just beyond ludicrous. All the rest of the pseudoscience and pseudohistorical documentaries may be appropriate if we lived in the Dan Brown or L. Ron Hubbard universe but we don’t. But no matter how hair-brained the claim is, it’s still presented as historic truth while established fact is treated as up for speculation. It’s no wonder why people in history professions absolutely hate this channel. Apparently, when it comes to documentaries, The History Channel doesn’t seem to have people to check for facts or inaccuracies. Oh, wait, they already fired them years ago since they kept challenging “their version” of history which “if you don’t know, say it was aliens or some large conspiracy, they won’t know the difference.” As someone who has studied and read quite a bit about history, I do know the difference between accepted evidence and bullshit but there are plenty who don’t. And if people start associating history with conspiracy theories and pseudohistory, then we have a problem, big time. Yet, if The History Channel wants to call itself an “educational” network, then they should stop showing programs that either mislead or have dubious educational value. But of course, they won’t since many consider actual history “boring” and their shows get big ratings.

For now, a more appropriate name for The History Channel would be “The Bullshit Channel” or “The Hysterical Channel” because over there, the truth is history.

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And if I want to see actual history documentaries, I’ll watch PBS.

The Cinematic Guide to Psychology

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Psychology is perhaps one of the most underrated subjects as well as a relatively new field of science. Yet, since we live in a world of personalities, emotions, and human interaction, it is exceedingly useful in almost any profession and has changed people’s lives for the better because of it (I mean, who can live without therapists?). Still, though psychology has been a science relatively recently, it has always existed and people have always used it throughout history as well as in fiction itself. A good example of psychology at work is in the Bible when King Solomon orders a swordsman to cut a baby in two just to get an emotional reaction from one of the two women fighting over it. A good psychological example in fiction is Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale’s decline in The Scarlet Letter in which his guilt over knocking up Hester Prynne leads to him suffering some psycho-induced illness and Hester’s vengeful and crazy ex-husband Roger Chillingworth knows it and  does his dirty work on him. Nevertheless, while writers may have some psychological understanding, they aren’t the leading authorities on it and Hollywood is not the place you should rely on the latest information of the human mind. In fact, much of the psychology you see in movies is based on knowledge that has been repeatedly debunked and deemed out of date. Not to mention, human behavior is very unpredictable and everyone experiences the world differently, including people with mental disorders. I mean it’s complicated. Yet, people believe it. Here is a list of supposed psychological knowledge everyone gets from movies.

1. Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities) exists and usually consists of people having either a bunch of personalities or Jekyll and Hyde dynamic. (Actually it’s exceedingly rare in real life to the point many First World countries refuse to recognize it as a disorder.)

2. All serial killers are psychopaths that are out of touch with reality and completely irrational. (Though psychopathic serial killers do exist {like Ted Bundy}, most psychopaths aren’t serial killers {most live completely normal lives but are more likely to commit and get away with white collar crime though}nor all serial killers psychopaths {though many are but are only responsible for 60% of serious violent crime in the US}. Not to mention, despite being narcissistic, anti-social, irresponsible, impulsive, charming but lacking emotional depth, they are completely in touch with reality and highly rational. Also, being out of touch with reality and irrational is psychosis and usually doesn’t make a person dangerous in society and is usually a symptom of another disorder. Hollywood tends to use both interchangeably.)

3. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are socially awkward with high intelligence but are assholes who can’t feel empathy or understand emotions. (People with Asperger’s may have social difficulties with nonverbal social cues and many may be highly intelligent, but they usually go to great lengths to inadvertently hurt anyone so they do care how other people are feeling. More often than not, they just can’t tell.)

4. Dyslexics have terrible writing skills, see jumbled words, and can’t read past a fourth grade level. (Dyslexia is actually a spectrum disorder while some dyslexics may be functionally illiterate, many are simply bad at reading or phonics. Most shown in movies are only severe cases. Also, while many dyslexics are bad at writing, it’s a side affect and many do go to great pains to make sure their grammar and spelling is up to snuff.)

5. Bipolar sufferers go through rapid cycles of extreme mood swings at a constant rate whether be weeks, days, or hours. (Actually most bipolar sufferers would experience such symptoms maybe a few times a year or at times of great stress. This kind imore corresponds to a Borderline Personality Disorder.)

6. Panic is usually induced during disasters and it’s best people should be told not to. (It’s very possible to have a panic attack in their own home since it’s induced by a sense of potential entrapment, a sense of helplessness, and a sense of profound isolation. Also, it’s best not to tell people not to panic during disasters because it makes their situation worse.)

7. You can easily pretend insanity. (Most legally insane people usually don’t know it but may suspect something may be wrong with them. Still, if you try to be insane, most will see through your act like most of the M*A*S*H 4077 sees through Klinger’s cross dressing scheme to get a Section 8.)

8. Having an unhealthy body image with help from the media can quickly lead to a life-threatening eating disorder. (While real life-threatening eating disorders do exist, they are still very rare, have been around longer than Hollywood, and usually are seen as an expression of complex psychological and emotional problems. Most people aren’t susceptible to such extreme behavior patterns for any significant length of time. So while having an unhealthy body image may help lead to a life-threatening eating disorder, it’s usually not the only factor and they are usually develop over a much longer period of time. Still, this is not to say having an unhealthy body image is a good thing or that the media is completely harmless projecting them.)

9. Uncovering painful repressed memories through therapy will help people come to terms with their traumas causing mental problems. (This “uncovering” repressed memories is seen as a scientifically and ethically dubious practice once popular with incest cases and might’ve sent innocent people to jail.)

10. Assertiveness training turns people into self-centered jerk or lunatics with short tempers before going back to normal with no repercussions from their behavior. Also, this usually involves hypnosis or reading a book. (This usually involves multiple sessions with a trained psychologist and learning about diplomatic ways to stand up for yourself and get your fair share.)

11. All responses to trauma are PTSD and usually requires the key to re-experience the episode for an individual to remember and understand before quickly returning to normal. (PTSD is a disorder requiring time to develop with problems that arise when the trauma isn’t dealt with or acknowledged the first time. Also, triggering is usually not needed since they usually remember what happened, they just can’t stop forgetting. Also, treatment for PTSD takes years. It’s complicated.)

12. Schizophrenia cause the person to experience vivid and focused hallucinations. (Not usually and can sometimes be auditory. They tend to be portrayed that way because it’s more effective and doesn’t confuse the audience.)

13. People with ADHD are constantly at a caffeine high and unable to maintain focus on anything for more than a few minutes before getting distracted. (It’s actually a whole set of symptoms, some good and some bad. ADHD is usually exaggerated in movies to the point of absurdity.)

14. Hypnosis is an effective brainwashing method even when the person was an unwilling participant. (It’s impossible unless the person wanted to be brainwashed, if such is possible. Propaganda {like Fox News} and violence are much more effective for unwilling participants.)

15. Amnesia can be caused from a head bump and doesn’t last very long as well as usually pertains to the inability to recollect memories before the incident. Also, memory recovery may cause you to forget new ones already made if you experience another head injury. (Most amnesia cases pertain to the inability to create memories after the head bump if such happens but amnesia is usually rare. Not to mention, it can last for days or even a lifetime. Also, most amnesia isn’t caused by just single bump to the head or isn’t necessarily cured by it {more realistically it may be the result of significant brain damage after several head injuries over the span of years [like NFL football players]}. Not to mention, recovering past memories doesn’t lead to you losing new ones unless you have short term memory loss.)

16. People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder are likely to lash out at people who reject them when in a mercurial mood. (Actually are more prone to harm themselves and engage in self-destructive behavior. Also, 10% of those diagnosed with BPD are estimated to die at their own hands. Sorry, Fatal Attraction.)

17. Sufferers from Tourette’s Syndrome compulsively swear. (This is coprolalia and is only experienced by 10% of Tourette’s sufferers. Also, Tourette’s sufferers usually have multiple physical and verbal tics they feel compelled to perform on a regular basis. But who wants to see someone with Tourette’s who doesn’t compulsively swear?)

18. The mentally ill are more likely to commit crimes. (Only commit slightly more violent crime {only because they have a higher incidence of substance abuse} than average but are 10 times more likely to become victims of crimes though. If they are a danger to anyone, it’s usually to themselves.)

19. It’s not uncommon for men to experience a mid life crisis in which he dumps his wife for a younger woman, quits his job, and gets himself a Cadillac. (Not really. Also, most people don’t have mid life crisis like that and are satisfied with their lives. Only affects 10% of middle aged men.)

20. People with OCD are ritualistic control freaks with no social skills and pay super attention to detail. (It’s actually an anxiety disorder that causes repeated unwanted thoughts and the rituals  are simply attempts to stop them. More along the lines of OCD personality disorder.)

21. All paranoids are schizophrenic and are laden with conspiracy theories which turn out to be true. (Paranoid schizophrenia is among a group of six kinds of schizophrenic disorders classified by disorganized thought, general difficulty thinking, delusions, hallucinations, and jerky “odd” movements and is rather rare. Also, not all paranoids are schizophrenic either. Sure they may believe in some kind of conspiracy theory but it’s not usually true.)

22. When someone is grieving, they always experience the Five Stages of Grief in order even within ten seconds of each other. (Not all of them go through the five stages and not always in order. Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who formulated the theory said this.)\

23. People only use 10% of their brains unless they have super powers. (Humans use all their brains but not all at the same time and about 15-30% at any given moment. When the entire brain flares up, someone usually has a seizure. Oh, and superpowers don’t really exist.)

24. All psychology is Freudian. (Well, some but it’s also part neuroscience, too.)

25. Psychological problems usually stem from a single source. (There are usually many sources and it could take weeks for a psych to figure out what’s wrong before treatment.)

26. Mental hospitals are houses of horrors. (Yes, but not for reasons you might think even though a positive experience in one is more likely. Still, abuse can happen in places with improperly trained and supervised personnel, lack of funds, and using outdated drugs.)

27. A shrink could be driven mentally unsound by his or her job. (Well, yes, but so can medical professionals, lawyers, police, and even co-dependents to mentally ill.)

28. Psychological treatment doesn’t take particularly long even if it’s from psychological trauma. (They usually take years to sort out and cure in the best scenarios and most require a lifetime.)

29. Therapy offices usually have clients sit himself or herself on a couch staring at the ceiling. (This is not as common nowadays since most involve the client and therapist facing each other.)

30. Traumatic incidences and childhood upbringing can shape a person for who they are. (To some extent, yes, but it’s kind of up for debate.)

31. Rorschach tests are standard psychiatric procedure. (Most psychiatrists don’t value the test since it requires their own judgement on the patient’s answers and the blots you see in the media aren’t the ones necessarily used in real life.)

32. Serial killers who target women and sexual deviants have grown up with abusive parents, particularly mothers. (While many social deviants do have abusive childhoods, most of them do their crimes for simply no reason. Also, while someone with abusive parents is very likely to be abusive themselves, this doesn’t mean they will become serial killers or serial rapists.)

33. Psychologists and psychiatrists are the same. (Actually psychiatrists prescribe drugs while psychologist usually do therapy.)

34. Bullies have low self-esteem. (Most of them usually have an inflated sense of self-worth and get aggressive when their sense of superiority comes into question.)

35. Cult members are mindless sheep. (They’re just like everyone else who just want to belong to a social group.)

36. Autistic people are easy to identify. (There are plenty of people who may be autistic but you wouldn’t know it.)

37. Taking drugs can lead to a higher level of enlightenment. (There’s some debate about this.)

38. Only crazy and messed up people need therapy. (Even normal people are susceptible to mental illness.)

39. Word tests are conducted in which the therapist is interested in what the patient will respond. (Usually more interested in how long it takes than what words he or she says.)

40. An Oedipus Complex pertains to guy having an inappropriate relationship with his mother. (Can be but a guy doesn’t need to have a sexual relationship with his mom to have an Oedipus Complex. He just has to want to remove his father to further himself in the eyes of his mom. The female Electra Complex is kind of the same way with girls and their fathers. Has more to do with a child’s relationship with the same sex parent than anything.)

How to Survive a Horror Movie

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Though I love old movies, I’ve never been such a fan of the horror genre, especially now many nowadays are just slasher movies. Of course, there are a few I actually like but most of them are old school and in black and white classics, and even from them, there are few which are actually scary. Still, despite old horror movies’ inability to scare me, I still enjoy them since they’re quite entertaining and sometimes unintentionally funny. But most movies that actually scare me tend to revolve around psycho killers, especially charming ones many wouldn’t suspect of killing anyone at least in the movie. Then there’s Diabolique which is about a murder plot gone horribly wrong after conducted at near perfect precision. Nevertheless, if you’re in a horror movie, there are plenty of things you could do to make sure what bumps in the night doesn’t get you. However, following these steps doesn’t guarantee your safety but will certainly lessen your chances. Not to mention, be glad you’re not in a war movie since your odds of dying are much higher.

1. If you’re a scientist, doctor, or medical student, don’t conduct secret projects in your basement, especially those which try to defy and/or violate scientific ethics or principles, involve lawbreaking or cruelty to animals, and/or come with consequences you aren’t willing to take responsibility for. (C’mon, we know these experiments will go horribly wrong and the local community will live with the consequences.)

a. If you create a potion, you might want to test it on small animals instead of drinking it yourself to conduct a scientific study analysis. (Because if you take it yourself, you will go insane and inflict your wrath around town before your inevitable death. Look at Dr. Jekyll and the Invisible Man. Women are perfectly fine though since the Invisible Woman actually went on to get married and live happily ever after making invisible babies. Of course, she really wasn’t a monster.)

2. If you’re an archaeologist or part of an archaeology expedition, stay the hell out of Egypt. (Or else, you’ll come across a tomb which is always cursed as well as have a mummy come back to life who may want to take up with your crew’s token female. And he won’t hesitate knocking you off in the process.)

3. Common Sense: learn it, use it, love it.

4. Avoid the following as much as possible: small towns or the middle of nowhere, small town gas stations, eerie barns, old houses with histories, Southern backwoods, forests, old hospitals, basements, run down areas, wax museums, campgrounds, tool sheds, places with one hanging light bulb, naturally creepy places, garages, castles, cemeteries, attics, dark damp places, New England, England, private islands, mom and pop hotels and inns, nuclear facilities, or the Deep South.

5. If you or your wife delivers a stillborn baby, do not consider adopting the orphan baby whose mother died in childbirth at the same hospital to replace it with, no matter how badly you want a kid. (The baby is the spawn of Satan and will amass a considerable body count by the end of the movie, including you, your spouse, and a nanny or two. I mean look what happened to Gregory Peck in The Omen.)

6. If you’re from out of town and looking for a place to stay the night especially during increment weather, stay away from Victorian houses, old creepy mansions, closets, castles, or a motel decorated with taxidermy and run by a socially awkward but seemingly pleasant young man. (I mean c’mon chances are you won’t last the night in any of them. And if you stay in the last one, you will probably be murdered by that seemingly pleasant young man in a dress while you’re taking a shower.)

7. Don’t plan to kill anyone, particularly your spouse, especially with the person your spouse is cheating on you with. (Chances are, your plan will backfire and you’ll be dead by the end even if it at first goes perfectly well.)

8. Be wary around young children who seem like perfect little angels in adult company but are greatly feared among the other kids. (Chances are there is something wrong with them and get to you when it’s too late. Finding out won’t stop them either.)

9. Pay attention to urban legends, ghost stories, town legends, anything related to the occult or superstition, or any other kind of knowledge as the plot demands even if you don’t believe it yourself. (Such knowledge will come in handy later.)

10. Expect the unexpected.

11. If you’re under 40 and/or single, don’t ever have sex or even attempt it until the responsible party is vanquished (assuming you or your love interest isn’t insinuating all this. If so, then break it up now). Doesn’t matter what your gender, your sexual preferences or tastes, whether you use protection, or how much experience you had. As long as there’s something scaring the place, abstinence is your only option. (Otherwise, you will be dead. As for rape victims and prostitutes, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.)

12. If you’re a young woman, don’t take your clothes off or show your breasts even for bathing or changing into something else, especially in slow motion. (The first woman to lose or remove her clothing dies.)

13. Unless it’s before 1970, don’t use drugs or alcohol. (Because you will end up doing stupid things which will allow the killer to find you, meaning you’re dead. If it’s before 1970, tobacco and alcohol are perfectly fine since everyone basically is using one or the other or both.)

14. Don’t think you can outsmart the killer or even try. (You can’t and you will fail.)

15. If you’re black, make sure you bring a black friend along with you who isn’t played by someone more famous than you are. (The token black person in the group always dies first or somewhere along the line as in Night of the Living Dead when the black guy is killed last by rednecks mistaken him for a zombie. Having such buddy will help you immensely.)

16. Stay away from Satanists. (They are in league with the devil and won’t hesitate to make you part of their plans whether it means to bring Satan to Earth or as a human sacrifice.)

17. If you think the killer is dead, don’t bend over or kneel beside it to make sure. Continuous hacking and shooting as well as setting it on fire are viable options. You need to better be damn sure. (Else, the monster will come back to life and kill you.)

18. For parents: if one of your kids sees something really wrong with a particular person whether it be your sibling, spouse, or some other kid, listen to them for God’s sake. (Or else, you’ll end up like Shelley Winters in The Night of the Hunter.)

19. Don’t even attempt to call anyone for there won’t be any service or reception, the cords will be snipped or the power is out, or there won’t be any phones. Phones aren’t helpful in horror movies. (You’ll be dead if you even answer one.)

20. If you’re confronted by the killer, don’t run up the stairs. (You won’t get out and will be killed.)

21. If you have a job, don’t work the graveyard shift, especially if you work in law-enforcement or as a security guard. (Those people are usually dead in the beginning.)

22. If some seemingly important person who’s well seasoned in these kind of things gives you any advice, listen to them unless doing so would break any other more logical guideline.

23. Make sure your flashlight has a fresh set of batteries or you take a spare pack with you. (Because when those flashlight batteries die, then so will you.)

24. If this is an Edgar Allan Poe story, make sure the house has no torture devices, homicidal freaks, or graves of anyone buried alive. Also, make sure your house doesn’t have any of these. (Else, God help you.)

25. Don’t go anywhere near creepy or strange sounds since they’re distractions. (And the killer will be right behind you.)

26. If it stars Boris Karloff or Vincent Price, you might want to avoid them. (They usually play the bad guys in horror movies and should never be trusted.)

27. Don’t try opening a door that’s been sealed for a long time if you don’t know the reasons behind it. (Chances are it was done for a very good reason.)

28. Don’t get locked in any building or business after hours.

29. Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following:

a. Doors or paper thin walls that can be easily broken down by shambling corpses.

b. Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.

c. Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.

d. Whispering walls.

e. Unusual closets or other alcoves that contain unusual objects or creatures.

f. Storage spaces beneath stairways.

g. Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.

h. In regard to basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before you move in.

29. Before you move in, get as much information as you can about the previous tenants. (This will save you much aggravation.)

30. Never stop to pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person. (You will regret it.)

31. Avoid people with the following features: men in black, people with pointy teeth or lots of facial hair, people with pale complexions who moan and sway, anyone frothing at the mouth, painted faces, or anyone with access to virgin’s blood who speaks Latin.

32. Check your nanny’s references before letting her near your kid.

33. If you’re a woman, be sure you’re a good woman and in order to be one you must:

a. Be a natural blonde.

b. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist preferably a world leading expert and perhaps follow in the guy’s footsteps.

c. Don’t wear make-up.

d. Either be a virgin or frigid and make everyone know about it.

e. Be in love with the bad scientist for the first part until he begins to mutate before at all cost switching allegiances to the good scientist.

f. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.

g. Hang around with the bad woman a lot.

34. If you’re a bad woman, be sure to buddy with the good woman and ready to squash the bad scientist the second his fortunes turn on him.

35. Always pay close attention to the dying words of any scientist, military-heavyweight, or anyone responsible for creating the monster. (It’s the only time they will divulge the vital clue to destroying the evil.)

36. When using the buddy system, make sure the other person is slower, weaker, or dumber than you. (Then it will be him or her who gets killed and not you.)

37. While in a group, sleep in shifts. If alone, drink a lot of coffee. (The monster is very likely to get you while you’re asleep.)

38. Think for your own survival first no matter how close you are to the people you’re with. If you survive, you’ll be on your own anyway. (Friends, family, and enemies are expendable here.)

39. Always listen to usually insane people, particularly little old ladies.

40. Never wear a uniform or a badge. (You’ll die within ten minutes.)

41. If you see inanimate objects come to life and/or attack you and it’s not a Disney movie, run for your life.

42. Never open anything that’s been chained, nailed, welded, wax sealed shut, especially if it’s been hidden for a long time.

43. Don’t read anything aloud or solve any puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

45. Avoid animals exhibiting behavior that wouldn’t be considered normal and perhaps more hostile than usual. (There’s something wrong with them and they will kill if you don’t call Animal Control.)

46. If your pet begins behaving erratically in a particular person’s presence, avoid him or her at all costs, even if he or she’s your spouse, child, or relative.

47. If there’s a demon in your house, call your local exorcist immediately regardless of religious denomination. (He may die but at least you and your family will be okay even if there’s possession involved.)

48. Don’t go to the bathroom even if it’s an emergency. (Relieving yourself will get you killed.)

49. Curiosity kills.

50. For slasher films: unless you’re the blonde virgin girl with the androgynous name, you might want to write your last will and testament since there can be no hope for you.

51. Don’t touch strange looking plants.

52. If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior like hissing, a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, and increasing hairiness, go away as soon as possible.

53. Stay away from strangers bearing tools such as: chainsaws, staple guns, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws, or any device from deceased companions.

54. If you’re a guy, don’t be the funny smart-ass. (Else, you’ll be dead.)

55. If you’re looking for something that may be dangerous in the house, turn on the lights or use a flashlight. (Monsters only haunt in the dark.)

56. Never babysit or be a camp counselor.

57. If running away from the monster, try to make the least amount of noise as possible, especially if you’re a girl. (Loose lips create stiffs.)

58. Always be superstitious.

59. If it’s Friday the 13th or Halloween, you might want to go into hiding.

60. The monster is never who you think it is.

For More:

Horror Movie Survival Guide: http://www.horrormoviesurvivalguide.com/

From a website: http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm

From About.com: http://horror.about.com/od/horrorthemelists/ss/How-to-Survive-a-Horror-Movie.htm

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines

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Valentines Day has never been one of my favorite holidays but is nevertheless one involving card exchanges showing how much we love each other. Previous generations have done the same as well. Of course there are plenty of cute vintage valentines out there while some are kind of a bit, let me just say, strange and probably should never see a mailbox. Besides, may lead to the receiver wondering if their secret admirer has any account for taste or was the designer just on acid. So here is a look at some of the freakiest vintage valentines ever sent in the days of old.

1. Nothing brings the Valentine’s Day spirit  than joking about flagrant white supremacist violence on black people.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I've ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine's Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn't very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I’ve ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine’s Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn’t very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

2. Nothing says “Be Mine” in the sincerest form than in armed intimidation.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

3. Of course, nothing tells your valentine how sweet they are than card depicting a girl in a flaming cauldron.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I'm not sure if any of us would want to be told  we're sweet enough to eat.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I’m not sure if any of us would want to be told we’re sweet enough to eat.

4. Nothing says, Happy Valentine’s Day than saying you’re planning to skin your beloved’s head and offend Native Americans.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I'm so sorry.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I’m so sorry.

5. Nothing says, “Be Mine” than treating your beloved like cattle.

I'm not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I'm not a cow and branding is for cattle.

I’m not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I’m not a cow and branding is for cattle.

6. Finally, nothing says “Be My Valentine” than your willingness to be fried and served over easy.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

7. Hunting out for a Valentine, willing to settle for bear.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

8. Somehow this valentine highly suggests whether you’re either willing to abduct or just a big devotee of 50 Shades of Grey.

And it's even more disturbing since it's a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

And it’s even more disturbing since it’s a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

9. Nothing says “Be Mine” than a valentine depicting prehistoric assault.

Somehow I don't see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy's dwelling as anything romantic.

Somehow I don’t see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy’s dwelling as anything romantic.

10. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than saying “Be mine or I’ll kill myself.”

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

11. Happy Valentine’s Day from Captain Sex Offender.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you'll like it or not.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you’ll like it or not.

12. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Horny Mad Scientist Vampire.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

13. Nothing shows your love on Valentine’s Day than running over your sweetheart.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I'm sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I’m not sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

14. Happy Valentine’s Day from the creepy kid putting his heart on a platter.

So how is this a Valentine's Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

So how is this a Valentine’s Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

15. Nothing depicts the spirit of Valentine’s Day more than a child ice skating with his humongous shaggy dog.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man's best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man’s best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

16. This says: “Be Mine” or else I’ll rip your teeth out.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don't submit to sender.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don’t submit to sender.

17. Nothing says “I love you” to your sweetheart than suggesting that they’ll go after you with a hammer if you ever try seeing someone else.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

18. The best way for your sweetheart to be yours is sending a valentine of a creepy clown.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don't think this will help.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don’t think this will help.

19. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than a valentine depicting a creepy girl.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that's not cute at all.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that’s not cute at all.

20. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than saying that you’ll do whatever the say.

Jesus, lady, I know you're a waitress but please get a life.

Jesus, lady, I know you’re a waitress but please get a life.

21. Nothing gets in the spirit of Valentines Day than a valentine of a rabid sheep.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

22. Give your sweetheart a valentine of a gangster with a loaded gun and they’ll know you mean business.

And you don't want to say no to a gangster, do you?

And you don’t want to say no to a gangster, do you?

23. A great way to tell your valentine that they’re a hunk of heart of burning love for you.

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That's insane!

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That’s insane!

24. If you want to send love to your valentine, then tell them through your ventriloquism.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time. It will certainly give you nightmares.

25. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than a card showing one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

26. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than your willingness to be held at the stocks in public humiliation.

I hear a lot about "taking stock" but this is ridiculous.

I hear a lot about “taking stock” but this is ridiculous.

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy stuck in the ice cube.

I'd much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don't think he can just "thaw out" though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can't describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can't I?

I’d much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don’t think he can just “thaw out” though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can’t describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can’t I?

28. I knew that Dorothy had it in for the Tin Man.

Please, I don't want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

Please, I don’t want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

29. You know your dog loves you if he farts in your face as a valentine.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

30. Happy Valentines Day from the person who caught a contagious heart disease from you.

Hmmm....perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don't let me guess how it's spread.

Hmmm….perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don’t let me guess how it’s spread.

31. Happy Valentines Day from the squirrel who wants to kidnap you.

Because he's so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

Because he’s so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

32. Nothing says I’ll be your valentine than agreeing to be their mindless mook they don’t have to care about.

Let's just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it's never innocent. Also, you don't want anyone to be your dictator.

Let’s just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it’s never innocent. Also, you don’t want anyone to be your dictator.

33. Happy Valentines Day from the creepy child in the nail seat.

He's probably screaming from a sore asshole.

He’s probably screaming from a sore asshole.

34. Happy Valentine’s Day, and you’ll be sure you see the point from my Swiss Army Knife.

I'm not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

I’m not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

35. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a young girl suggesting you to do BDSM with her.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I'm not sure this is innocent.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I’m not sure this is innocent.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from the worm in the rotten apple.

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

37. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a not so innocent reference to bestiality.

I'm sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her steers or bulls a little too much for her own good.

I’m sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her little doagies a little too much here.

38. Happy Valentine’s Day from cute artist or creepy psycho killer child with creepy dog.

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

39. Happy Valentine’s Day from Cupid selling the barbecue hearts special.

Something tells me having one's heart on a platter really doesn't suit my stomach right now.

Something tells me having one’s heart on a platter really doesn’t suit my stomach right now.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from scary and offensive Chinese laundry man.

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

41. Happy Valentine’s Day from creepy old dude who may look like Satan.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day now be my puppet.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

43. And you thought your doctor was a creep.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

44. A valentine that shows how much you’re willing to hammer it in.

I'm not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

I’m not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from the dog gunner with a heart shaped machine gun.

Be his or he'll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

Be his or he’ll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

46. Nothing says “Be my valentine” than seeing someone willing to eat fire for you.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I'm not sure if I'd like someone do that for me.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I’m not sure if I’d like someone do that for me.

47. Happy Valentine’s Day from the mad cow.

And that cow certainly looks like there's something wrong with it. And please don't feed me its brains.

And that cow certainly looks like there’s something wrong with it. And please don’t feed me its brains.

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your sweetheart or friend with benefits.

Something tells me that "screwy" may not have innocent connotations here.

Something tells me that “screwy” may not have innocent connotations here.

49. Happy Valentine’s Day from the butcher.

And yes, he's got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you're not a vegetarian or vegan.

And yes, he’s got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you’re not a vegetarian or vegan or he’ll cleave you.

50. Happy Valentine’s Day from Satan.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.