A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stiletto”

asouefashion

Esme Squalor can always put fashion and vileness above any kind of practicality. Her fur coat and stiletto knives in her shoes are no exception. Of course, you can’t run far in regular stilettos, let alone ones with daggers on the heels which keep sticking to the floor. So as the Baudelaires try to escape, she just shoves down heavy file cabinets like dominoes, capturing and trapping Violet with no where to go. Because the only plausible exit for her has been blocked. She doesn’t have her hair ribbon so she can’t think of anything to invent. Though she tells Klaus and Sunny that she’s alright, a cabinet blocks the chute so she can’t see them. But as her siblings crawl up the chute towards the unfinished wing, Esme’s not far behind and eventually gets her. Though Klaus and Sunny await their sister’s return, she will not be back for awhile.

Esme in Stilettos

The song I chose is Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” for obvious reasons since I couldn’t skip out on this one. Though the original version is about a woman who gets what she wants with a guy but he doesn’t stop her and he doesn’t care. Esme is a lot like that kind of women depending on your interpretation in her relationships with Jerome and Count Olaf. In this version, I have Esme basically taunting Violet for trapping her as well as threatening her. Clearly, Violet isn’t in a good place by this point.

 

“Stiletto” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Esme Squalor

I cut you once, I cut you twice
But still you all flee
The wound is so fresh you can taste the blood
But you don’t have strength to leave
You’ve been caught, got you cold
You’ve been locked inside the door
But you stand there pleadin’
With your insides bleedin’
‘Cause you cannot run no more
When I show you some compassion
It’s such a clever masquerade
I’m so good with my stiletto
You don’t even see the blade
You don’t see the blade

I cut your hard, I cut you deep
I got so much skill
I’ve felled heavy cabinets so you stand there frantic
When I come back for the kill
Your sibs slid and escaped
You’ve been left here to bleed
You want to run away
But you know you’re gonna stay
‘Cause there’s just nowhere to leave
We’ll need you for our dissection
They’ll make sure to find the vein
I’m so good with my stiletto
You won’t really mind the pain
You won’t mind the pain

I’ll cut you out, I’ll cut you down
I’ll carve up your life
But you won’t do nothing
As I keep on cutting
‘Cause you’ll be out under the knife
You’ve been caught, got you cold
You’ve been locked inside the door
But you stand there pleadin’
With your insides bleedin’
‘Cause you cannot run no more
We’ll need you for our dissection
They’ll make sure to find the vein
I’m so good with my stiletto
You won’t really mind the pain
You won’t mind the pain

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Run for an Exit”

tumblr_inline_p41qw33NOo1r3epct_500

However, the Baudelaires don’t have the time to dwell on what they found in the Snicket File. Because Esme Squalor shows up breaking down a door. She’s wearing a fur coat and her trademark stiletto heels, which has actual knives in them. Yes, her shoes are about as violent as they’re impractical. While the show has her trying to find the Sugar Bowl, Esme in the book goes to the Library of Records to find and destroy the Snicket File. And she’s pleased to find the kids so she can destroy them, too. The children ask about how she knows about their file while Klaus wants to know which of their parents survived. But this clues Esme into that they know about and apparently read the file even though they only read one page. Thinking, the kids have the whole file, she chases them through the library. But thanks to her sharp stilettos, Esme doesn’t get very far on her feet. So she decides to push cabinets, causing them to fall over and spill out contents. The Baudelaires narrowly avoid being crushed. Yet, since the toppled file cabinet has blocked the exit, the only way out is up the chute where the files enter the library. Sunny fits easily being a baby at all. It’s a squeeze for Klaus but he gets through (though in the TV show he’s bigger than Violet). But there’s no way Violet could get in (yet, in the TV show she couldn’t because the chute opening was blocked by a file cabinet). At any rate, Violet is screwed.

Library_of_Records

The song I went with here is Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Run Through the Jungle” which you’d find in a lot of Vietnam War movies. However, while people think it’s about the Vietnam War, it’s actually about guns and gun violence in the United States. In fact, John Fogerty said in 2016, “The thing I wanted to talk about was gun control and the proliferation of guns… I remember reading around that time that there was one gun for every man, woman and child in America, which I found staggering. So somewhere in the song, I think I said, ‘200 million guns are loaded.’ Not that anyone else has the answer, but I did not have the answer to the question; I just had the question. I just thought it was disturbing that it was such a jungle for our citizens just to walk around in our own country at least having to be aware that there are so many private guns owned by some responsible and maybe many irresponsible people.” As someone who hates guns and strongly believes in gun control measures, I have to agree as his statement gains relevance with each mass shooting on the news that it’s ridiculous. Because yes, it’s disturbing that so many Americans have guns. So if you’re in The March of Our Lives, you can totally use this song to promote gun control since Fogerty won’t. In fact, Fogerty wrote it as a gun control anthem. This version involves the Baudelaires trying to get away from Esme.

 

“Run for an Exit”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Whoa Esme wants the Snicket File
Knife shoes on the floor

Wants to destroy it along with ourselves
Got to find a door

Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Whoa don’t look back to see

Klaus:
Running in wrong direction
Exit’s other way

Now Esme’s felling file cabinets
How do we escape

Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Whoa don’t look back to see

Violet:
Over across the library, there’s a large tall chute
Sorry, but I can’t fit in there
Klaus, Sunny, go through

Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Better run for an exit
Whoa don’t look back to see

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Going in the Library of Records”

Episode15

As the Baudelaires get comfortable at the unfinished part of Heimlich Hospital, they try to figure out the notes the Quagmires had left them or at least the ones they’ve managed to salvage from Esme’s harpoon. But since their notes are incomplete and Hal mentioned the Snicket File, they decide to get the file believing it to be the answer to all their questions. However, due to Hal’s strange filing system and his insistence the files aren’t for reading, such task proves difficult. Another pressure on them is the new H.R. Director Mattathias, who’s actually Count Olaf, after he threw Babs out a window. And he’s announced that he’s conducting inspections around the hospital, making the kids panic. So the Baudelaires decide to steal Hal’s keys and break into the Library of Records at night. Using her ribbon and paper clips Sunny bit into, Violet creates a fake key ring she uses to fool Hal to get his keys, which they don’t feel particularly great about. But they feel it needed to be done. They next venture into the Library of Records where they search for the Snicket File. After some trial and error, they find it under B for “Baudelaire.” Inside they find a note on the front reading, “All thirteen pages of the Snicket file have been removed from the Library of Records for official investigation.” Except that’s not quite true since there’s a photo of the Baudelaire parents sometime before they were married standing in front of 667 Dark Avenue alongside Jacques and Lemony Snicket who doesn’t show his face and the man the kids have no idea who he is as well as a note above stating: “Because of the evidence discussed on page nine, experts now suspect that there may in fact be one survivor of the fire, but the survivor’s whereabouts are unknown.”

c989ffc056dc5d8f615300865818d6da

I decided to use Arlo Guthrie’s “Coming Into Los Angeles” which he performed at Woodstock. The original version is about his flight from London to Los Angeles that experienced turbulence which made the stewardesses drop chicken dinners from their trays. Not to mention, Arlo was sweating after discovering that one of the gifts he packed was contraband. Still, it became a soundtrack for a generation for blowing smoke in the face of authority. In this version, I have Violet singing about stealing Hal’s keys and breaking into the Library of Records with her siblings.

 

“Going in the Library of Records”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Break-in the Library of Records in dead of night
To find the Snicket File
To know V.F.D., Jacques Snicket, Count Olaf
Why our picture’s in that damn file

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man, yeah

Heard Olaf’s voice is on the intercom
His inspections making us panic
Walking in the halls of the hospital
Seems like we need to do something drastic

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man

Use my hair ribbon with some paper clips
Sunny can bend them to key shapes
Not sure if it’s hip to be making this night trip
Yet, Klaus says there’s no any way to

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man

Looking in the Library of Records in dead of night
To Find the Snicket File
Look, for J, S, F, then to B for Baudelaire
Said there may be a fire survivor

Going in the Library of Records to see
After duping Hal for his keys
Sorry about that, if you please
Mister records man, all right

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Just to File Away”

a-series-of-unfortunate-events-lg

When the Baudelaires reach the Library of Records in the basement, they meet an elderly man with small glasses named Hal. The place consists of 2 rooms. The first comprises of an intercom with a table and a bowl of fruit. The second room is a vast warehouse filled with columns of filing cabinets. Oh, and they’re filed using Hal’s on organizational brand. Paperwork comes down the chute, paperclips removed, read as little as possible, and go to Hal to unlock the cabinet where it goes which can be in an arbitrary category. And the documents aren’t for reading. Also, Hal doesn’t have all the keys to the cabinets either since Sunny volunteers to use her teeth to unlock some. He then identifies the kids as the Baudelaires since he saw their picture from the Snicket File. But he doesn’t necessarily believe they’re murderers since he thinks The Daily Punctilio is full of shit which it is.

ASOUE-S2Book8-The-Baudelaires-and-Hal-e1524542266616

The song I picked here is Billy Joel’s “Half a Mile Away” which is about going out and having a good time during the night after a long time. In other words, it pertains the exact opposite of filing with references to drinking, listening to music, hanging out, picking up women, and bullshitting. Basically, he needs a break for himself after trying to please everyone else during his day. So in this version, I have Hal sing about what the Baudelaires are to do which is administrative work to his personal style.

 

“Just to File Away”

Sung by Hal

Library of Records is a sacred place
I’m record keeper Hal and this is my home base
Follow men and I will surely train
Filing cabinets are all at wall height
Here’s a high ladder to climb, climb, climb
Cause your only job is solely just to file away

Paperwork comes down through the chute
Remove clips and read what you need to
Then tell me to what drawer to open away
They’re not for reading anyway
Since these files need to stay, stay, stay
Cause your only job is solely just to file away

Solely just to file away

Take the weather at Damocles
Which is near some lake so ask me to unlock drawers for D, W, or P
I’ll open up the drawer so you can file it away
Just try to keep the hospital satisfied
Though I remember from the Snicket Files, Files, Files
Though your only job is solely just to file away

Solely just to file away

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “For a New Task, Hal Needs Three Volunteers”

44BE819B-4DCD-48E1-A8D8-63B72526E461

Hearing Babs’s call for 3 volunteers in the Library of Records, the Baudelaires head to her office. Yet, when they reach her office, they don’t actually see her since Babs believes that as an adult and H.R. director she’s to be heard and not seen. Likewise, children are to be seen and not heard. In addition, she explains that the most important thing a hospital does is paperwork despite being skeptical on the kids’ abilities to do any administrative work. But she accepts them anyway and gives the Baudelaires directions to the Library of Records. As they find their way around the hospital, the kids see intercoms, signs, and maps. Since there are people around who might recognize them, they sometimes face the maps on walls so no one sees their faces. They also decide to sleep in the hospital’s unfinished wing since they have no place to go.

9FF48EB5-B3A1-4916-98DA-B5A59882CF59

The song I used for Babs is “For My Next Trick, I’ll Need a Volunteer” by Warren Zevon. The original version uses magician allusions but it probably pertains to relationships. Yet, this version has Babs meeting the Baudelaires and complaining about her job at Heimlich Hospital.

 

“For a New Task, Hal Needs Three Volunteers”

Sung by Babs

My name is Babs, your H.R. gal
We’ve got some message from poor old Hal
So there’s one thing I’ll ask
For a new task, Hal needs three volunteers

See that you’re just three kids
Since I’m an adult, so shut your lids
But since you three came here
For a new task, Hal needs three volunteers

It’s lonely up here
Being the Human Resource head
Talking through a loudspeaker
To anyone who’s half-dead
And falling apart
It’s lonely as hell
And there’s no magic spell
For an unbuilt part

What’s more crucial here is paperwork
Though I’m not sure if you kids will work
But since that you three are here
For a new task, Hal needs three volunteers
It’s lonely up here
When you’re never seen
Among the all the employees
That I oversee
At this shit place
It’s lonely as hell
And you don’t get so well
From a health disgrace

Looks like I’ll have to make do
Since the record library is a boring place through
You’ll meet Hal in there
For a new task, Hal needs three volunteers

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Heimlich”

Screen-shot-2018-04-01-at-8.03.07-AM.png

Eventually the van carrying the Volunteers Fighting Disease and the Baudelaires reach Heimlich Hospital, which is The Hostile Hospital’s primary setting. It’s a strange building. One side appears nice and fancy while the other is under construction. As to why the place isn’t finished, we’re not sure if it’s still under construction or more likely, those building it simply ran out of money since it’s know to suffer from budget costs. Though in the TV Show, the finished part Heimlich Hospital seems to resemble a brutalist structure straight from either the 1970s or the Soviet Union. Due to the series’ dark nature, the hospital plays on fears like inadequate healthcare and medical malpractice. Still, the Baudelaires need to figure out where to go next. Since wandering around the halls singing will eventually get them noticed and arrested somehow. Also, they need to find the answers to V.F.D. and Jacques Snicket. Luckily Babs announces Hal needs 3 volunteers for the Library of Records.

20060312000645_Heimlich_Hospital

I decided to use Petula Clark’s “Downtown” for Heimlich Hospital’s introduction. Written by Tony Hatch, the original version recounts the exciting hustle and bustle around downtown New York City. While it’s a cheerful song, this version describes a place that’s actually quite shitty, even by hospital standards. But since it’s in the Hinterlands, it’s probably the only place residents in the middle of nowhere can go to for medical treatment.

 

“Heimlich”

Sung by Heimlich Hospital Staff

When you need treatment for an infectious cold
You can always go
Heimlich
When you’ve got rabies or you need to drop babies
There’s a place you go
Heimlich

Our patients here all hail from the middle of nowhere
Within the Hinterlands, we are #1 in healthcare
What can you use?
We’re the only hospital here
Who can provide you with treatment or any care

So go
Heimlich
You can’t go anywhere except
Heimlich
We’re not great up at
Heimlich
The doctor will see you soon

Sure we’re not elite in the medical facilities but
We got lots of wards
Heimlich
We all know all the hospital budget woes which
Our place clearly shows
Heimlich

Sure our building is unfinished as our halls are dirty
But our doctors know their stuff as the nurses are all flirty
At all hours
But if you’re out from nowhere
Where else you’ll find treatment or decent healthcare

So go
Heimlich
There’s really not much else
Heimlich
Unless you go heal yourself
Heimlich
You’re gonna be alright now
Heimlich

Heimlich
Heimlich

If you’re in urgent need, just please be patient with our doctors
We’re sorely understaffed here so they’re working wacky hours
During their shifts
Welcome, we’ll see you here
So please help yourself to our subpar healthcare

And go
Heimlich
Hope you can make it through
Heimlich
You’ll wait for hours more
Heimlich
You might leave here with the flu
Heimlich

Heimlich (Heimlich)
Heimlich (Heimlich)
Heimlich (Heimlich)
Heimlich (Heimlich)

 

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Mamma Mia”

Fighters1

Though everyone in the V.F.D. van is too busy singing to notice the Baudelaires or care who they are, the kids know they don’t belong there. You can even think these Volunteers Fighting Disease are some kind of creepy cult who’d call out on them for being sad. Anyway, the children are probably the most miserable people in the vehicle after what they’ve been through the last 7 books. Yet, they can’t understand how songs and balloons could make people feel better. Because the Baudelaires certainly aren’t since they lost various people from their parents, they’ve been framed for murder as well as chased by a psychopath who wants their money. Though their bearded leader does give them tips to look up things at the Library of Records at Heimlich Hospital.

Fighters2

The song for Violet and Klaus I chose for their ride to Heimlich Hospital is ABBA’s “Mamma Mia.” In the original version, the woman dumps a guy who cheats on her, only to take him back because she just can’t let him go. Or it can be about a woman not sure whether to keep a guy or not. Still, it’s a very upbeat song. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus sing on how annoying the Volunteers Fighting Disease are and how they’re not enjoying their time.

 

“Mamma Mia” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We were just run out at the Last Chance General Store
After sending a telegram to our useless executor
Look at us now, we are fugitives
We had to flee to a windowless V.F.D. van
We got to take what we can
They’re the Volunteers Fighting Disease
Now they’re singing with infectious glee, oh oh

Mamma mia, there they go again
My, my, Christ, they are annoying
Mamma mia, must they sing again?
My, my, no, we’re not even enjoying
God, are they ever cheerful
But we’re all more than fearful
Why, why, did we end up here?
Mamma, mia, our ears bleeding here
My, my, now we’re all stuck in here

Klaus:
At least these guys think anything news isn’t that good
But they’re some creepy cult in their cheerful mood
Look at us now we are desperate
I don’t know how we’d ever endure these guys
Is this our only way to hide?
Just hear these damn volunteers sing
While my thirteen-year ears start to ring, oh oh

Mamma mia, there they go again
My, my, Christ, they are annoying
Mamma mia, must they sing again?
My, my, no, we’re not even enjoying
God, are they ever cheerful
But we’re all more than fearful
Why, why, did we end up here?
Mamma, mia, our ears bleeding here
My, my, now we’re all stuck in here

Both:
Mamma mia, there they go again
My, my, Christ, they are annoying
Mamma mia, must they sing again?
My, my, no, we’re not even enjoying

Mamma mia, there they go again
My, my, Christ, they are annoying
Mamma mia, must they sing again?
My, my, no, we’re not even enjoying
God, are they ever cheerful
But we’re all more than fearful
Why, why, did we end up here?
Mamma, mia, our ears bleeding here
My, my, now we’re all stuck in here

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “We’re Volunteers Fighting Disease”

Fighters3

Unfortunately for the Baudelaires, this V.F.D. stands for “Volunteers Fighting Disease” a group of enthusiasts who visit Heimlich Hospital where they sing to patients and give out heart-shaped balloons. But they never offer anything physically helpful like medicine. Though on the bright side, they believe that “no news is good news” so it’s unlikely they saw the kids in the rag of lies known as The Daily Punctilio. Still, their work pretty much involves being happy all the time, even among people coughing up bile. They also call each other “brother” and “sister.” Still, their song is quite hilarious but they’re also pretty annoying that if you watch them in the TV show, whatever they sing will stick in your head.

th1

Since I won’t even bother to use the song in these posts, I decided to go with the Chordettes’ “Mr. Sandman” since I don’t think I can do justice to the “Volunteers Fighting Disease” number. The original version revolves around a folklore figure called the Sandman to bring in a “dream” which usually revolves around a love interest. Still, it’s kind of a peppy tune from the 1950s. Anyway, I have the Volunteers Fighting Disease sing about themselves, which might be like fingernails on the chalkboard for some. Still, the cheery but overly saccharine mood this song conveys seems about right.

 

“We’re Volunteers Fighting Disease”

Sung by the Volunteers Fighting Disease

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

We’re Volunteers Fighting Disease (bung, bung, bung bung)
We’re always cheerful for all days a week (bung, bung, bung bung)
If someone said that we’re sad and gloomy (bung, bung, bung, bung)
We think that they’re just full of bull and hooey
We make sick folks smile
If they have nosebleeds or cough bile
So we all hope you get well soon
Please have a heart-shaped balloon

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

We see people, get them to laugh
Even when doctors must saw them in half
Night and day, we’ll always sing more
To boys with broken bones to girls with sores
We sing to sick patients
Whether with ulcers or new stents
So we all hope you get well soon
Please have a heart-shaped balloon

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

We sing to men with measles or pox
We sing to women with flu or had their jaws locked
And inhale deadly germs that hurt you
We’ll visit you with our heart-shaped balloons
We visit patients right in their beds (right in their beds)
Even when they keep us out of their heads
So we all hope you get well soon
Please have a heart-shaped balloon
So you might please, please, please, please,
Please have a heart-shaped balloon

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Last Chance General Store”

LastChanceTV.png

After spending a significant amount of time walking through the Hinterlands while on the V.F.D. and police, the Baudelaires don’t have any idea where they’re going. One morning, they reach the Last Chance General Store, which is a rest stop to get gas. But it also sells almost anything like fresh limes, plastic knives, canned meat, white envelopes, mango flavored candy, red wine, leather wallets, fashion magazines, goldfish bowls, sleeping bags, roasted figs, cardboard boxes, controversial vitamins, asparagus, fountain pens, onions, peacock feathers, cooking utensils, chandeliers, tiles, cat food, fish nets, mirrors, socks, ivy, matches, shoes, gasoline, nylon rope, floor wax, soup bowls, window curtains, rocking horses, top hats, fibre-optic cable, pink lipstick, apricots, magnifying glasses, umbrellas, paintbrushes, French horns, pepper grinders, safety pins, candy canes, ashtrays, construction paper, canned peas, undershirts, clocks, towel racks, piggy banks, placid skirts, slippers, sausages, bathtubs and newspapers. Seeing there’s a telegraph wire, the kids go in to send a telegram to Mr. Poe since he’s the only person they could reliably reach. Even though doing so is kind of pointless since when has Mr. Poe ever been helpful? The shopkeeper lets them to it. But while the Baudelaires are waiting for a response, a guy names Lou comes in with an issue of The Daily Punctilio depicting the children as murderers. The two guys then chase the kids around the store because the paper can’t possibly be wrong (despite that it totally is). Once they escape, they decide to hop in a windowless van with the words V.F.D. on it with people they don’t know, despite the conventional stranger danger wisdom. Yet, to be fair the Baudelaires don’t have much choice here, especially since the people inside don’t read the paper.

th

The song I chose to parody here is “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. While the original is said to be about drugs, Heartbreaker guitarist Mike Campbell gives a different answer, “In the verse there is still the thing about an Indiana girl on an Indiana night, just when it gets to the chorus he had the presence of mind to give it a deeper meaning. My take on it is it can be whatever you want it to be. A lot of people think it’s a drug reference, and if that’s what you want to think, it very well could be, but it could also just be a goodbye love song.” Though the music video mostly revolves around a morgue scene with a pretty dead woman played by Kim Basinger. In this version, I have the Baudelaires visiting and being chased out of the Last Chance General Store.

 

“Last Chance General Store”

Violet:
We’ve been fleeing from a mob at V.F.D.
Going through the Hinterlands without a stop to sleep
Didn’t know where we walked around the plain
But can’t go back or we’d be burned at the stake

Klaus:
Well, we came across the Last Chance General Store
Got some gasoline pumps, and merchandise galore
Coming from a roof, I saw a telegraph wire
We decide to send Mr. Poe a wire since we’re all tired, of walking on

Milt:
Last Chance General Store
Tell me what you all came in for
Watch for three fugitives and Lou’s
Late getting the paper in

Violet:
We don’t have folks and can’t call police
And our friends are far in the air almost unseen
There’s only one man we know, one man to go
Hate to say this, sibs, but that’s Mr. Poe
Oh my my, oh hell yeah
Gotta send out that telegram
We’ll take a bite, I’ll work the device
Once we’ll hear a reply, then we’ll go fly

Milt:
Last Chance General Store
Tell me what you all came in for
Sending out a telegram and you
Don’t have any cash on hand

Klaus:
We’ll tell Poe we’re wanted fugitives
Though we didn’t really do anything
Count Olaf hasn’t actually passed
We’re in danger, thanks you ass
Oh my my, oh hell yeah
Violet, keep working that telegraph
Not sure if Mr. Poe can get out of this mess
But he probably won’t, and we can’t leave an address

Lou:
Last Chance General Store
These kids murdered Count Omar
They’re all on the frontpage news and you
Lent them a T-graph to use