Bad Movie Sisters

Now while compiling a post on terrible movie brothers was easy, I couldn’t say the same about the sisters since women don’t have as much screen presence in movies as men do. So if some of these sisters seem to be less terrible than the brothers, it’s mainly because finding bad movie sisters were fairly hard to find. Nevertheless, movie sisters have also had a prominent presence in movies from Little Women to Frozen. But while some sisters tend to be best friends, others could be at each other’s throats. But while some may have to deal with annoying sisters at some point of their lives (like myself), this post will make anyone feel better about their female siblings since these girls can range from backstabbers, homicidal maniacs, outright nuts, or a bit of all three. Some of them can be even downright selfish and irresponsible in their sisterly ways. So if you’re the kid with the worst sister ever, let’s just say this post will make you feel better because it’s very likely that your sister is certainly not as bad as these ladies. Half-sisters, stepsisters, and adopted sisters are included as well. Aunts count, too, if sibling ties can be established since being a bad aunt is almost synonymous with being a bad sister, even if they direct their vileness toward their sibling’s kids which is every parent’s worst nightmare. So without further adieu, here are the bad sisters that will put your annoying and mean sisters to shame.

1. Blanche and Baby Jane Hudson

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From: What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

The Problem: Sometimes sibling rivalries never die. Still, whatever ups and downs me and my sister I have, I’m grateful that our relationship isn’t like this. Of course, it’s very obvious that Baby Jane is the sister from hell since she’s a mentally disturbed alcoholic who has despised the now paralyzed Blanche since their showbiz days and absolutely loathes taking care of her. She’s also never gotten over her days as a child star despite being well into middle age and not aging gracefully. Then again, we’re not sure that she’s aware everyone has entirely forgotten about her contrary to her older sister Blanche. But when she learns that Blanche intends to sell the house and send her to a sanitarium, things really go downhill. Whether it’s serving Blanche her pet parakeet or a rat for din-din, it’s easy to sympathize with her older sister, especially as Jane gets more physically and emotionally abusive toward her as the film progresses. She also forges Blanche’s signature on checks, cuts her from any possible communication, beats her unconscious, ties her to a bed, and kills the suspicious cleaning lady. However, Blanche isn’t completely innocent either since she had been endlessly bitter of how Jane was treated as a child and how Jane had to make a movie every time her older sister was in one (with every flop damaging Blanche’s career). When Blanche had enough, she tried run over Jane but ended up crippling herself in a way to make her little sister look responsible. And to make things worse, Jane was too drunk to remember that night so Blanche basically forces her to live in guilt and wait on her hand and foot for the next 30 years. So between these two sisters, I’m not sure which one is worse.

2. Petunia Dursley

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From: The Harry Potter series

The Problem: Now Petunia is more of an aunt than a sister in the series. But her bad feelings for her sister Lily are basically the reason why she treats her nephew Harry Potter so badly. Sure Petunia probably didn’t have it easy growing up with a Muggle born witch said to be prettier and smarter than she was. And it doesn’t help that she spoils her own son rotten and basically lets Dudley bully Harry for years while her nephew slept in a cupboard under the stairs and endured tons of abuse. She is particularly a bitch in the fact she lied to Harry about his parents dying in a car crash. Oh, and because of Lily, she doesn’t take to kindly to Harry having any magical powers. Not to mention, you have her husband Vernon who’s basically a social climbing, materialistic villain in the true Roald Dahlesque style. Still, just because you and your sister didn’t get along is no excuse to abuse her kid, magical or not. Of course, if you didn’t read the book, in Book 5 Harry fights off a group of Dementors who tried to take Dudley’s soul only to be unmerciously subjected to an expulsion hearing. Nevertheless, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were thinking about kicking Harry out of the house until Dumbledore sends Petunia a howler. Yes, it got to that.

3. Carmen Sternwood

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From: The Big Sleep

The Problem: If this movie was a romantic comedy, then Carmen would be nothing more than mere embarrassment for her older sister Vivian Rutledge who’s basically protecting her from her own mistakes. Of course, from the very beginning, it’s that something’s really not right with her. When we first see her, she already owes gambling debts to a bookseller named Geiger as well as poses for his naked photo shoots (for his illegal porn operation) and possibly other things (since she’s found drugged at his home). When Geiger is found dead, Vivian shows up at Philip Marlowe’s office with these photos she received as well as a blackmail demand for the negatives. But Carmen demands the photos. Nevertheless, as Marlowe and Vivian develop a relationship, Carmen tries to get Marlowe to sleep with her but he throws her out. Still, it’s later revealed that Vivian was blackmailed because she suspected Carmen to have killed a friend of their dad’s who disappeared a month ago named Sean Regan. And it’s vaguely implied that this might be true since she’s kind of an unstable nympho to begin with. No wonder Vivian thinks her sister might need psychiatric help. Of course, in the original Raymond Chandler book, she’s even worse.

4. Briony Tallis

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From: Atonement

The Problem: Now Briony is perhaps an immature and nosy teenage girl but what she does really causes a lot of problems for her sister Cecilia especially when it comes to her relationship with servant’s son Robbie Turner. Now Briony has a crush on Robbie who has her send a sexually explicit letter to his sister, which makes her disgusted and jealous. But she also suspects that Robbie is sexually harassing Cecilia even though he’s really not. So when her cousin Lola is nearly raped (by a stranger), Briony uses the occasion as revenge by framing her sister’s boyfriend of the crime as well as shows his dirty letter. This results in Robbie being arrested and sent to prison until WWII on the condition he join the army. Cecilia never forgives her for this. On discovering Robbie’s innocence, Briony is so guilty of this that she wrote the story about them which gives her sister and Robbie a happy ending, even though they never really saw each other after Robbie left for war and they both died in 1940. Yeah, so because of Briony, Cecilia never had any chance for happiness (or so she thinks).

5. Kathryrn Merteuil

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From: Cruel Intentions

The Problem: Now Kathryn seems like a popular, well-adjusted young woman, devout Christian, and Student Body President at Manchester Prep. However, she’s more or less a bulimic, a drug addict, alcoholic, oversexed, and a manipulative mastermind who prides herself on destroying other people’s lives as well as controlling them to suit her own ends. For instance, she persuades a lot of her female classmates to sleep around so she could ruin their reputations. In short, she’s a cold hearted sociopathic troublemaker. Yet, only stepbrother Sebastian Valmont realizes this even though they both share a twisted attraction to each other. The whole plot revolves around Kathryn making a bet that she’d sleep with him only if he could nail the headmaster’s daughter. And if he doesn’t she’d get his vintage car. But he ends up falling in love with her instead. Jealous, Kathryn taunts him and threatens to ruin his girlfriend’s reputation so he breaks up with her. Kathryn then reveals she knew he loved her all along compelling Sebastian to say that he wants nothing to do with her. When he leaves, she tells another guy that he hit her and slept with another classmate, which results in a fight (which she intends that Sebastian won’t survive). Annette tries to stop it and is thrown in the middle of traffic but Sebastian pushes her away and is fatally hit by a cab. Luckily Sebastian has kept a journal about this and Kathryn gets her comeuppance (well, sort of).

6. Goneril and Regan

From: King Lear

The Problem: These two girls are basically the closest thing to the Celtic equivalent of Veda Pierce. Seriously, Goneril and Regan make Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters seem like the Crawley girls in comparison. Now the play kicks off when their regal daddy King Lear announces his intention to retire from power. Since he has no sons, Lear decides to divide his realm among his 3 daughters who will receive a share as long as they express their love for him. Seizing their chance for some of their daddy’s royal real estate, they successfully flatter him with their sentimental bullshit. Younger sister, Cordelia, on the other hand, basically tells her dad that the whole thing is bullshit and refuses to partake (well, she doesn’t say it that way but it’s exactly what she thinks). This results in her being banished to France where she marries the king. But having daddy’s real estate isn’t enough for Goneril and Regan. They’re both obsessed with power that they want to overthrow their old man, too. But it’s the only thing that unites them. When Lear resolves to divvy his time between his 2 oldest daughters and their husbands, both say that their declarations of love were fake, see their dad as a foolish old man, and refuse to grant him residence. Once Cordelia’s new husband makes landfall in Britain to help Lear (with an army), Goneril and Regan engage in a war resulting in the death and capture of Regan’s husband, their crazy old dad, their little sister Cordelia, and themselves once Edmund starts sleeping with them. I mean if Goneril didn’t poison Regan first, Regan would’ve done the same.

7. Bianca Minola

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From: The Taming of the Shrew

The Problem: So you’re headstrong Katarina and your sister Bianca wants to get married to a guy she has just met. However, in order for that to happen your dad has to marry you off first, which is going to be challenging. Not to worry, your sister’s boyfriend has a guy picked out for you named Petruchio who’s willing to marry you for a bet and your large dowry. Of course, you don’t want to get married but since Bianca is a little manipulator who’s got your dad twisted around her little finger and the fact you’re such a brat wanting attention that he’ll marry you off to just about any guy willing to take you, you don’t have much choice. Unfortunately, Petruchio has set up your first days together as a merry go round of neglect and emotional torture that will break your spirits into the ideal wife. Prepare to spend your days being denied food until you agree to everything Petruchio says. Still, you know that her being obedient and sweet temperance is just an act so she could get what she wants, even if it’s at your expense, so welcome to hell, Katarina.

8. Delia Lovell Ralston

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From: The Old Maid

The Problem: Well, Delia is actually Charlotte’s cousin but you wouldn’t really know that since they seem to be sisters in all but in the biological sense. But Charlotte has had to live in Delia’s shadow all her life. Nevertheless, during the course of the movie Charlotte gets knocked up by Delia’s ex on the rebound (who’s conveniently killed off-screen) and has a daughter named Tina she loves very much. In fact, she gives up the chance of marrying a guy than give her up for adoption. And when Delia’s husband dies, she lets Charlotte and Tina move in. Still, unaware that Charlotte’s her real mom, Tina refers to Delia as her mom and Charlotte as her aunt, much to Charlotte’s dismay. This goes on for years and Delia does nothing to correct this and as a result, Tina tends to resent Charlotte who feels that she has to play the role of a stern spinster aunt. And when Tina is engaged, Delia formally adopts her to give her a more reputable name. Nevertheless, while Delia makes up for it in the end, it’s still pretty disconcerting that she stole Charlotte’s kid and basically robbed her cousin from forming a close mother-daughter relationship with her.

9. Esther Coleman

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From: Orphan

The Problem: Seems like the Colemans should’ve checked with the orphanage before deciding on 9-year-old Esther. Or at least have gotten a puppy. Sure she may seem so polite and creative as well as perhaps the sensitivity and charm that can thaw frozen hearts. However, she’s actually a manipulative sociopath with no morals that her casually dropping f-bombs in everyday conversation is the least worrying thing about her. Well, that along with cutting the flowers that her adoptive parents have scattered over the remains of their stillborn child and presenting them to adoptive father John in a bouquet. Not to mention, reading excerpts of her adoptive mother Kate’s diary regarding her miscarriage out loud. Nevertheless, she’s basically a sister and daughter from hell that would make Veda Pierce look like a Girl Scout. She threatens to castrate older brother Danny and burns his treehouse with him in it. Luckily he survives. She also pulls the emergency break on her deaf little sister Max and let it slide down the hill. As for the parents, she breaks her own arm in a vise and blames Kate for it as well as tries to murder the entire family so she can have John to herself. But she kills him when he refuses her advances. Oh, and did I tell you that she’s really not what she seems?

10. Regina Hubbard Giddens

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From: The Little Foxes

The Problem: To be fair, Regina does live in the early 20th century South where inheritance was reserved for sons, institutionalized gold digging was a thing, and her brothers are just as greedy and morally bankrupt as she is. Besides, she hates having to depend on a husband she doesn’t love. So when Oscar and Benjamin want to build a cotton mill, they’re willing to either settle for $75,000 from her husband Horace and possibly a marriage between Oscar’s son Leo and her daughter Alexandra, which neither Alexander nor Horace approve. However, Horace isn’t interested in the project which leads to Ben and Oscar stealing his railroad bonds via Leo. But while Horace is willing to forgive his relatives and change his will, Regina sees this situation as a way for screwing them over. So she waits for Horace to die of a heart attack after she riles him so nobody would contradict her. She then accuses her brothers of the theft as well as blackmails them into giving her 75% ownership of their new business venture. The brothers are left with no choice but to give in. Sure the Hubbard brothers weren’t nice people and got everything they deserved. But her daughter Alexandra is absolutely horrified by what she done so she runs off with a newspaperman leaving Regina independently wealthy but alone. Still, even though you might root for Regina for being a magnificent bitch she is, you have to wonder if she’s perhaps as despicable as her brothers or possibly worse.

11. Sarah Williams

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From: Labyrinth

The Problem: To be fair, Sarah’s had a rough adolescence and it’s understandable that she hides from life with fantasy tales to the point of dressing up in long flowing dresses and acting bits of script in a park. Of course, she’s a teenage girl who’s unhappy with her mom leaving the family, her dad’s remarriage as well as the resulting baby half-brother Toby. Her father doesn’t seem to give two shits about her and her stepmother seems to expect her to be a live-in babysitter. So it’s no wonder she wishes the Goblin King Jareth take little Toby away from her. However, she’s just venting her frustrations and really doesn’t want Jareth to do this. But little does she know that a sparkly leather clad pants David Bowie swoops by and takes him off her hands anyway (as well as becomes a source of 1980s fantasy fetish fuel). Now feeling guilty of not being careful what she wishes for, Sarah now has 13 hours to retrieve him from the labyrinth citadel. The plot kicks in from there, and boy, does she learn her lesson the hard way.

12. Elisabeth

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From: Les Enfants Terribles

The Problem: Elisabeth loves her little teenage brother Paul and is very protective of him. When he’s hit by a snowball with a rock inside by his crush Dargelos, Elisabeth cares for him. At this point it’s revealed that their inseparable relationship is characterized known as “The Game” in which is an intense series of mind games with the people who dare enter their socially isolated lair. However, it’s only years later do we find out that Elisabeth’s relationship with Paul might be more one-sided than he thinks and perhaps very unhealthy, especially when she takes in a girl named Agathe. Since Agathe resembles Dargelos, Paul falls for her but a jealous Elisabeth can’t stand to see him happy without her so she intercepts Paul’s love letter and sets Agathe up with another man named Gerard. This results in him becoming an opium addict and drugging himself to death, but not until Elisabeth shoots herself to beat him in their so-called “Game.” Still, Elisabeth’s relationship with Paul is toxic to the touch attempts to poison everyone around them. But it’s Elisabeth who’s mainly the one wearing the pants and while they may seem like they’re arguing and harassing each other for no reason, she’d still do anything to keep Paul to herself, which destroys him. And as they play their mind games, nobody is safe.

13. Bellatrix Lestrange

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From: The Harry Potter Series

The Problem: Sure she’s a Death Eater, but even if you’re Narcissa Malfoy, you’d really wouldn’t want to be related to her since she’s so fanatically devoted to Voldemort that she’d kill off relatives and betray family members in a heartbeat. In fact she’d make it her duty to kill any relatives who are members of the Order of the Phoenix, including her disowned sister Andromeda Tonks, Muggle born brother-in-law Ted, as well as her niece (and later Remus Lupin who marries her) and her cousin Sirius Black. Also, she’s paranoid and violently insane that it’s scary as well as one of the most sadistic and dangerous Death Eaters around. Tortue, violence, and destruction seem less like means to an end and more like hobbies to her. On her first appearance it’s known that she tortured Neville Longbottom’s parents to insanity that they were locked up at St. Mungo’s. In Book 5, she kills her own cousin Sirius Black by blasting him through a veil in the Death Chamber. Now her vileness as a sister really comes to light in Book 6 in which it’s clear that Voldemort has chosen Draco to assassinate Dumbledore or die in the process and perhaps have his parents lose their lives as well. As any mother with a son charged with a suicide mission, Narcissa is uneasy about the whole thing. Bellatrix, on the other hand, is pretty unsympathetic to her sister’s fears over her son’s life and states that if she had kids, she’d certainly give them to the Dark Lord. Obviously, she’s trapped in a loveless marriage and doesn’t know what it’s like to have kids. But I can’t imagine what kind of mother she could be. What’s worse is that while Draco may hate Mudbloods as much as the next Slytherin and is a real asshole, he’s incapable killing anybody, even when his and his parents’ lives are at stake. And as the Death Eater charged with assassinating a key figure, he’s doomed to fail. If it weren’t for Snape making a deals with Dumbledore and Narcissa before the devastating climax at the Astronomy Tower, then Draco would’ve ended up like Regulus Black. Even if Draco is her nephew, Bellatrix would’ve been perfectly cool with it. Nevertheless, Narcissa is confident that Bellatrix won’t hurt her because they’re siblings (and that they’re both loyal to the Voldemort but Narcissa’s allegiance is basically out of fear). However, note that she also killed her niece Nymphadora Tonks and sees no problem with Draco’s being on a suicide mission, so I wouldn’t have too much confidence in her if I was Draco’s mom.  And if Narcissa strays from the family tradition, well, God help her. Oh, by the way, she tortures Hermione and kills Dobby in Book 7. Nevertheless, trying to kill Ginny after offing her brother was a big mistake. Prepare for Molly Weasley’s “Not my daughter, you bitch!”

14. Edith Philips and Margaret DeLorca

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From: Dead Ringer

The Problem: Now twin sisters Edith and Margaret had a falling out for 18 years after the latter stole the former’s boyfriend and married him over a pregnancy. Nevertheless, Margaret managed to enjoy 18 years of marriage and a life of relative wealth and ease. However, it later turns out that Margaret was cheating on her husband Frank and killed him with arsenic poison. She’s also an insufferable bitch that even her Great Dane basically despises her. Edith, on the other hand, owns a struggling cocktail lounge and is threatened with eviction for not paying her bills. Now it seems that these two sister are about to reconcile after nearly 2 decades since Edith is really intent on riding Margaret’s coattails. But when Edith learns that Margaret was never pregnant, all bets are off. Instead, Edith lures Margaret into her cocktail lounge and kills her since she feels entitled to what her sister has. She then proceeds to make Margaret’s death look like her own suicide and takes her sister’s place at her mansion. But it all soon catches up to her by the end. Sure this may be a film in which Bette Davis may play both good and evil twins, but neither are exactly prizes since they’re both selfish middle aged women. Sure there’s no denying that Margaret really screwed her sister over, but Edith should’ve gotten over it by now.

15. Norah Lorowski

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From: Sunshine Cleaning

The Problem: Now Norah isn’t a bad girl. It’s just that she’s not the most trustworthy sister around and can be quite careless. When she’s fired from her waitress job, she and older sister Rose decide to form a crime scene cleaning business called Sunshine Cleaning. Now when an insurance company calls for the services of Sunshine Cleaning which would grant the sisters a potential to obtain a breakthrough reputation. Unfortunately, Rose has a baby shower that day so she has Norah clean the house alone until she could catch up. This leads to Norah accidentally burning the house with an unattendded candle which results in their business reputation being tarnished and being forced to pay $40,000, which they can’t afford. Thus, Sunshine Cleaning is shut down and Rose has to go back working as a maid to support her son. At least their dad gave up the house so Rose can start cleaning crime scenes again after Norah nearly ruined that chance. Nevertheless, Norah is pretty careless and irresponsible.

16. Jeanette “Jasmine” Francis

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From: Blue Jasmine

The Problem: Jasmine might be losing her mind because her rich background hampers her ability to function in middle class society that she has to live with her sister Ginger in San Francisco. However, even this doesn’t prevent her from being self-involved, narcissistic, and having almost no consideration for anyone else’s feelings. Not to mention, she sometimes tends to live well beyond her means such as traveling first class despite being broke. However, Ginger must be a saint since she’s willing to take in Jasmine who has nowhere else to go, even though she has every reason not to. And it’s not just because her presence keeps Chili from moving in with Ginger. This is because back when Jasmine was a rich trophy wife, she basically treated Ginger like shit and nearly ruined her life. For one, when Ginger and then husband Augie visit her in New York after winning the lottery, Jasmine provides them with a car and driver as well as pays their hotel bills so she could avoid them as much as possible. Yet, when Augie states that he plans to set up a construction business with his winnings, Jasmine offers her Wall Street husband Hal’s help in investing the money instead. Now Hal is a major fraudster and a guy you’d least want to trust with your money since he’s lost a lot of cash from a lot of investors. Augie and Ginger are no different since they would’ve been much better off if Augie just set up his construction business. And it’s also clear that this financial fiasco ruined Ginger’s marriage since Augie basically blames Jasmine for ruining his life. But Ginger defends her. Nevertheless, Jasmine’s actions basically have a negative impact on everyone in the film which does catch up to her near the end. Sure she might’ve turned Hal to the authorities for fraud during an emotional breakdown, but her husband deserved everything he got. Ginger didn’t.

17. Queen Elsa of Arendelle

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From: Frozen

The Problem: Yeah, I know it might come as a shock to some Frozen fans that Elsa might be on this list. However, we know that Elsa is very much a product of her upbringing due to having magical ice powers that lead to Anna’s injury when they were kids. But this doesn’t stop little sister Anna from idolizing her. Now Elsa and Anna were very close as young girls. But after a mishap, their parents basically shut Elsa off from the outside world so she can control her powers. This fails but it doesn’t stop Anna from desperately wanting attention which Elsa understandably denies but doesn’t tell her. And it’s even worse that Anna’s memories of Elsa’s powers were removed after the accident (even though they probably shouldn’t have been). This leads Anna to becoming engaged to Prince Hans a mere 12 hours and a musical number after she meets him on the day of her sister’s coronation at Arendelle. And if things weren’t worse enough between them, Elsa goes ballistic during an argument pertaining to her engagement to Hans. Sure Elsa’s right but she was never learned how to control her powers in a healthy way and can be seen as somewhat psychologically unstable with anxiety and depression. Thus, eternal winter ensues without her realizing it and she runs away to build her own ice castle and giving herself a makeover. But Elsa’s also running away from her responsibilities as queen paving the way for the Duke of Weselton and Prince Hans to exploit the situation. Foolishly believing the bringing her back can reverse the eternal winter, Anna naturally goes after her. But when Anna reaches Elsa’s ice castle, not only does she reject Elsa, but she also strikes her in the heart and chases her along with Olaf, Kristof, and Sven with a giant snow monster named Marshmallow. The frozen heart bit results in Anna nearly freezing to death. Of course, we all know that things work out in the end, but not without Anna taking a lot of crap from her as well as both being very screwed up. Not to mention, we should take account with the property damage Elsa caused even though Arendelle’s main export is ice.

18. Anne Boleyn

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From: The Other Boleyn Girl

The Problem: Out of all Henry VIII’s 6 wives, adaptations haven’t been very fair to his second Queen Anne Boleyn. But Philippa Gregory basically takes historical liberties with her to the extreme. Sure she was ambitious and did pressure Henry to get rid of his first wife, even if it meant severing ties to Rome. But before she caught his eye, it was her sweet sister Mary who got knocked up with Henry’s son as Anne was making the moves on him (in real life, Mary was a bonafide slut whose affair with the king was over years before he took up with Anne. Also, Mary’s son Henry was very likely not his. Oh, and Anne wasn’t married to Henry Percy ever). Sure Henry liked Anne first but he becomes acquainted with Mary after she helps him over an injury. And as soon as Henry and Mary are together, Anne has to scheme to seduce the king right under her nose. And when Henry announces his attentions to marry her, Anne basically forces Mary to give up her son to be raised at court all for political favor.  She also orders him never to talk to Mary again (none of this happened). Not to mention, she’s quite vicious to Mary as well on frequent occasions. And when she’s had a miscarriage, she has sex with her brother George to conceive a child (didn’t happen), which results in both of them getting executed (along with several other men but the charges were trumped up). Gregory’s Anne Boleyn is a vain, cruel, vindictive, and ruthless schemer who manipulates others as well as uses sex to get what she wants. And she got what she deserved. Seems like Philippa Gregory has it really in for Anne Boleyn.

19. Aunt Helen

From: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Problem: Charlie Kelmeckis has been in and out of mental institutions and is one messed up kid since his best friend’s suicide. Or that’s what we’re told at first. Sure his best friend’s suicide might be emotionally traumatic enough to deal with. But it might just be the tip of the iceberg since he tends to go back on his favorite Aunt Helen who’s certainly a blood relation (I mean she’s single and living with Charlie’s family. Still, I think she was his mom’s sister but I’m not sure) who was killed in a car accident when he was 7 years old. Helen is a messed up woman who was molested as a child and abused by many men during her life. She also has a lot of psychological issues. At first, you think she’s such a sweet, troubled, but kooky aunt. However, it’s not until he has a nervous breakdown do we find out the sinister truth that Helen was sexually abusing him. And that Charlie blames himself for Helen’s death and might’ve wished it. Charlie’s parents must be up a wall by this point after they found out. I mean they took Helen into their home when she was down on her luck only to take advantage of their kid behind their backs in the worst way possible. No wonder Charlie is so screwed up.

20. Jacqueline “Jackie-O” Pascal

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From: The House of Yes

The Problem: Now when Marty comes home from school with his fiancée, he seems nervously hesitant to introduce her to his folks. However, it’s his twin sister Jackie who he needs to worry about and the fact she dresses like Jackie O is the least of his worries (as well as the hurricane going on outside). In fact, she’s spoiled, stuck-up, and violently insane. In the beginning, he’s just been released from the funny farm since she shot Marty before when he left home. But informed that Marty is bringing a “friend,” she shows signs of borderline personality disorder such as sudden mood swings and an inability to cope with change. The family isn’t exactly happy with Marty’s fiancée Lesly by her association with him for this very reason. Jackie ensues to interrogate Lesly about her love life with Marty, asking graphic details of their sexual escapades. She then reminds her that Marty had an intense affair with a girl some years back and that she might return. It then becomes clear that Jackie is talking about herself as she then coerces Marty into playing their favorite, “game,” a sexual reenactment of the JFK assassination, which Lesly walks in on. But Marty really wants a normal life yet she won’t let him. The next morning, Jackie searches for a gun that Marty had been ordered to hide by his mom and flushes his car keys down the toilet. Oh, and when Marty refuses to play their “game” but he goes a long before she shoots him dead. Now that is one twisted sister, my friend.

21. Kym Buchman

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From: Rachel Getting Married

The Problem: Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions and shouldn’t be opportunities for needless drama. Unfortunately for Rachel Buchman, her sister Kym has been released from rehab for a few days just in time to attend her big day. Yeah, that sister who killed her younger brother Ethan by driving off a bridge and into a ravine while high whom she has never forgiven. Sure Kym resents that Rachel hasn’t chose her for maid of honor as well as all the other attention she’s receiving that she throws a tantrum. She also lies about how she was molested by her uncle and having to care for an anorexic sister which compels Rachel to storm out of the hair salon. Not to mention, she gets into a fist fight with her mom as well as steals her dad’s car which she crashes into a rock. With a sister like that, you have to wonder why Rachel and her fiancé just spare the dysfunctional family drama and just make plans to elope.

22. Louise

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From: Sister

The Problem: Simon and Louise live in a housing complex below a luxury ski resort in the Alps where they support themselves by stealing equipment and selling them at a discounted price. However, most of the money goes to Louise so she can go on dates. She is selfish and irresponsible, unable to hold a job and going off with men, leaving Simon home alone. She eventually abandons him for a boyfriend for a considerable amount of time. This actually does a significant amount of good for Simon since he’s able to socialize with the resort’s tourists and employees. But when his sister returns, it’s utter dysfunction and that she asks him for money to sleep next to her, which is kind of unsettling and creepy. Oh, and she may not really be his sister.

23. Valerie Craig

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From: Three Bad Sisters

The Problem: When it comes to a parent’s inheritance, most people usually don’t consider it a big deal save maybe the rich. However, in the world of fiction, people are willing to kill each other over it. Now this movie could easily have been called, “One Bad Sister, One Crazy Sister, and One Slutty Sister,” but audiences in 1956 wouldn’t buy it. So Marshall Craig dies by crashing his own plain and leaving pilot Jim Norton out of a job. Eyeing the family fortune for herself and not batting a tear of the news on the radio, Valerie recruits Norton to either seduce her sister Lorna (who’s the executor of the estate) or drive her to suicide (which runs in the family) as well as take off with her. If not, then she’ll frame him for her dad’s murder. They also concoct a story that Norton saved Mr. Craig from drowning and was rewarded with a partnership in a land development project Craig was working on at the time, so he can enter into the family’s inner circle. However, slutty sister Vicki wants Norton for herself. But Valerie disposes her easily enough by taunting and beating her with a horsewhip that Vicki drives off a mountain road to her death. Yet, as Norton falls in love with Lorna, Valerie devises a few tricks up her sleeve to get rid of her, too such as trying to trample her with a horse. Oh, and she tries to steal Jim and break Lorna’s heart. Luckily, she dies.

24. Margaret Turner

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From: The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer

The Problem: Now this movie is intended as a romantic comedy, but since Margaret’s a judge and an adult, she should really know better. Now it’s one thing for her 17-year-old sister Susan to have a crush playboy artist Richard Nugent to the point that she sneaks into his apartment, which amounts to a very awkward situation that would put him on a sex offender list. Now to be fair, Margaret, her ADA boyfriend Tommy Chamberlain, and her psychiatrist uncle make a deal with Richard that he’ll be cleared of all charges, including assaulting Tommy if he agrees to date Susan until the infatuation runs its course. Sure the movie was made in the 1940s and Richard fortunately has absolutely no interest in any girl under 18. Even so, this is a very terrible idea, if not then downright illegal and unethical. But Margaret really has no excuse here since she’s not just Susan’s sister, she’s also a judge and her legal guardian. For all she knows, Richard could be a pedophile who might see being forced to date Susan as a perfect opportunity to molest her. Margaret should’ve considered this, even if Richard is innocent since she’s tried people over felonies. It would’ve been better for Margaret to send Richard away with a temporary restraining order, but I suppose that she thinks he’s hot and wants him to stick around. That, and possibly a reason to get rid of Tommy, since she’s been under a lot of pressure to get married.

25. Patricia Bosworth Emerson

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From: A Stolen Life

The Problem: Being your sister’s doppelganger is a great advantage for evil twins. And Pat is now exception. Now as nice sister Kate builds a relationship with Bill Emerson, flamboyant and manhunting manipulator Pat pursues him out of town. First, she does this pretending to be Kate and later on they get married, mostly because Pat seems to get some pleasure in shattering Kate’s dreams. We know this because Pat probably doesn’t care for Bill and carries on like she always did after they’re married which is why their marriage is in trouble when Kate gets back. It’s very clear that Pat is a psychopath, not the murdering one, but the kind that would make her a successful stockbroker on Wall Street in more progressive times. So not only does Kate have to deal with her one true love being her brother-in-law but how Pat’s making him suffer. Luckily Pat gets killed in a boating accident, but it doesn’t make Kate’s emotional state any easier, especially when she poses as her sister. Yeah, I know this film is soapy, but as far as identical twins go, Pat is basically your worst nightmare in a realistic sense.

26. Queen Cleopatra VII

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From: Cleopatra and other films

The Problem: Dynastic squabbles between power hungry royal relatives are the stuff of tales as old a time. I mean in Ancient Egypt from the Old Kingdom Pharaohs to the Hellenized Macedonian Ptolemies, killing and marrying siblings was something of a family tradition and not just limited to men (seriously, they were that messed up). And Cleopatra is not much different. I mean her dad had her two older sisters killed when they tried to seize the throne from him. Of course, she married her two of her half-brothers and belonged to a family more inbred than a West Virginia family reunion. The fact these were arranged marriages makes her being an adulteress with a preference for older men seem normal. But these incestuous marriages didn’t stop her from fighting wars or killing them. Oh, and did I tell you that her brothers were teenagers? And that she slaughtered her way to the top at just 21? When Ptolemy XIII made the mistake of killing Pompey and presenting his severed head to Julius Caesar, Cleopatra takes up with Caesar, has his baby, temporarily reconciled with her husband/half-brother, and had Ptolemy drown in his armor in the Nile River. She was promptly married to her other younger half-brother Ptolemy XIV but he was killed at 14 and the marriage was likely never consummated. You can guess what happened to hm. Oh, and her little sister Arsinoe was taken to Rome and executed as well  Still, while she was seen as a decent Egyptian ruler who unsuccessfully tried to keep her kingdom from being a Roman province, you certainly wouldn’t want her as your sister.

27. Ginger Fitzgerald

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From: Ginger Snaps

The Problem: Now this movie uses lycanthropy as a metaphor for puberty, but let’s just say you don’t want a werewolf for a sister. Now Ginger and her little sister Bridgette are 2 teenage girls with a fascination for death. But when they’re trying to kidnap a bully’s dog, Ginger is bitten by a strange creature in the woods. After that, Ginger starts becoming more aggressive, starts sprouting hair and a tail, and does other things that greatly concern Bridgette such as engaging in unprotected sex and killing a neighbor’s dog. Once Bridgette realizes what’s happening to her older sister, she tries to find a cure because she loves Ginger more than anything. Of course, Ginger is very protective of her to the point of killing people that look at her funny. She also kills 3 people including a guidance counselor, a janitor, and a fellow student. It’s even more disturbing how Ginger asks Bridgette to let her bite her so they can become their own pack. But as the film goes on, Ginger becomes more and more dangerous that it comes to the point that Bridgette has to kill her in self-defense.

28. Lydia Bennett

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From: Pride and Prejudice

The Problem: To be fair, Lydia probably wouldn’t be on this list if Jane Austen’s best known story took place in the 21st century where she’d be seen as nothing more than a mere embarrassment and George Wickham could be hauled away on statutory rape charges. Unfortunately, this story takes place during the Regency where child sex offender laws didn’t exist. Now Lydia is everything you’d expect in a bratty teenage girl. She’s selfish, completely self-involved, boy crazy, materialistic, and cares absolutely nothing about the people she hurt, the trouble she caused her family, and the consequences of her stupid actions. In fact, she won’t even acknowledge that her actions were stupid or had any damaging effects. And it doesn’t help that Mrs. Bennett is more indulgent on her than her sisters. But by Regency standards, she’s the sister and daughter from hell, especially since she likes to flirt with redcoats. This leads her to elope with George Wickham who has no intention of marrying her because of her family’s lack of wealth and is a possible sociopath. This almost results in her complete disgrace but luckily second sister Lizzie snagged Mr. Darcy who basically blackmails Wickham into marrying her. But even so, the youngest Bennett sister never seems to learn and is basically stuck with a man who’d put her through a lot of shit as well as the family.

29. Isabella Linton Heathcliff

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From: Wuthering Heights

The Problem: Now Isabella Linton isn’t a bad girl. She’s just teenage girl who’s too boy crazy over a guy she really needs to avoid. Seriously, when Heathcliff returns after a mysterious 3 year absence, Isabella is head over heels with this guy. Now we all know by this point is that Heathcliff isn’t in love with her, is deeply in love with Catherine Earnshaw and always will be, really didn’t take Cathy’s rejection for Edgar Linton very well at all, and is actively seeking vengeance. Isabella’s infatuation with Heathcliff is basically the worst possible thing to ever happen to Edgar Linton. I mean her crush on him makes Heathcliff’s goals of vengeance against the Lintons a whole lot easier. So it’s no surprise that Linton tells his sister that if she marries Heathcliff, he will cut ties with her, which he does. But even this doesn’t stop Heathcliff for trying to get back at him out of pure spite. Of course, there’s no hint he does this in the movie, but those who read the book or any summary certainly would find that Heathcliff’s wrath doesn’t just stop with his enemies. And it doesn’t help at all that he’s abusive to Isabella either.

30. Rose Michaels

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From: So I Married an Axe Murderer

The Problem: Now Charlie McKenzie is crazy about Harriet and Harriet is crazy about him. So they get married. However, problem is that Harriet has been married before a few times but all those marriages ended in death during their honeymoon that she’s now suspected as an infamous black widow “Mrs. X” which obviously causes a lot of concern. When he confronts Harriet of this, she just assumes that they just up and left her and feels like she’s developed a complex. Now Rose might seem like a sweet girl and a little shy. But during Charlie and Harriet’s honeymoon, Rose suddenly swipes at Charlie with an axe revealing herself to be the killer claiming that each husband took her sister away from her. Of course, it’s fair to say that Rose is an insane serial killer. Surely a sister’s wedding shouldn’t be described as an abduction. And her activities could’ve landed Harriet in prison if it weren’t for Charlie.

Bad Movie Brothers

Now while there are plenty of only children in movies, there are a lot of memorable siblings. Sometimes they can be your best friends as well as hardly there at all. Some even could be backstabbing sons of bitches if you get my drift. Now it’s said that siblings share a lot together such as genetics, childhood, home, and what not. They’re also more likely to be a person’s longest and closest biological connection as well as be among the first choices for a new kidney, if need be. Still, since a lot of movies tend to pertain to men, it’s no wonder that there are so many of memorable ones on film from parental surrogates to annoying little shits. However, this post basically pertains to brothers that aren’t so nice who you’d wish their siblings just have a clue and kick them to the curb. Some of these guys are selfish protectors while others are chronic backstabbers who’d hang their families out to dry in a heartbeat. Some are just goddamn crazy and perhaps homicidal maniacs. Others are a little of both. But for the kid who feels like they have the worst brother ever, let’s just say this list will make you feel much better after seeing what some people in the movies have to deal with. Half-brothers, stepbrothers, and adopted brothers are included as well. Uncles will also count as well if sibling ties can be established, since being a bad uncle is also synonymous with being a bad brother even if they direct their vileness toward their siblings’ kids that’s every parent’s nightmare. So without further adieu, here is a list of some of the terrible brothers in movies that put your mean and annoying brothers to shame.

1. Stephen Bloom

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From: The Brothers Bloom
The Problem: Those who’ve seen Foxcatcher will remember Mark Ruffalo as Channing Tatum’s caring older brother. But as Stephen Bloom, his relationship with Adrien Brody in this film is very complicated, since they’re con artists with their relationship being a fine line between brotherly love and the elder exploiting the younger as a prop for his own selfish ends. Sure Stephen may love his little brother Bloom more than anyone else in his life. It’s clear their relationship isn’t a typical one between brothers since they were the only people in each other’s lives due to being orphaned at a young age and spending a significant part of their childhood bouncing between foster homes. So as it’s only natural that Stephen and Bloom’s relationship may contain aspects one would associate between a parent and child (despite a 3 year age difference). And yes, Stephen might have originally invented the cons as a way to get Bloom to interact with the world while they were kids. But even then, you can also argue Stephen invented their con game because he was jealous of how the other kids seem to have it better than they did (hence the line “playground bourgeoisies”). But you can’t really blame him since their lives were relatively miserable in foster care. However, fast forward 25 years later and there’s no denying that Stephen plans all his cons for himself just because he wants to write a good story and make it real as well as rip off a bunch of rich folks who won’t miss their money anyway. Bloom usually assists his big brother doing whatever he says mostly because he loves his brother and is simply too passive and nice for his own good. But Stephen’s con games have taken a heavy toll on Bloom who never gets to grow into his own person (hence why he’s not known by his first name), never gets to pursue what he wants, views himself very negatively as a human being, and may be well on his way to becoming a psychological mess. I mean spending a few months drinking in Montenegro and possibly traveling with bottles of gin are never good signs. Furthermore, it’s well established in their first scenes as adults that Bloom has wanted to quit for awhile and has told his brother before on so many occasions that Stephen was able to say so word for word. But Stephen always knows how to manipulate his little brother into doing a con job no matter how reluctant Bloom may be. And when Bloom falls for their mark Penelope Stamp, he not only has to suffer the emotional consequences of luring and dumping her but his relationship with Stephen also gets to the point where he can’t completely tell the difference of whether his brother is being sincere or trying to con him. Stephen may not be responsible for all of Bloom’s problems, but his relationship with Stephen keeps him trapped in a con game he doesn’t want to play as well as makes him a very conflicted and very unhappy man.

2. Princes Richard, Geoffrey, and John Plantagenet

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From: The Lion in Winter with Richard and John in the Robin Hood movies
The Problem: Let’s just say, that sibling rivalries can get quite heated. But when it comes to medieval brothers fighting over who’ll rule after daddy, then it will be played up like a contact sport. If not, then war. Now it’s not easy being a Plantagenet, especially if you’re a grown man whose dad is King Henry II of England and mom is Queen Eleanor of Acquitaine. And by 1183, they’re not on the best of terms with his philandering and her inciting you guys into rebelling against him that got her put in prison for 10 years. So coming from a family like that, not wanting to spend the holidays with your folks is understandable. Add to that the fact your oldest brother Henry has died not too long ago and that King Henry is bonking the French King’s sister who’s engaged to Richard (who’d prefer her brother anyway). Oh, and did I tell you the French King Philip II is just 17 year old newlywed who’s also the son of Eleanor’s ex-husband? Now it’s clear that Henry and Eleanor favor a different son to succeed the king when he dies such as John and Richard respectively. But it’s also clear that primogeniture isn’t law yet and Henry fears that his sons will fight a civil war after he dies. And looking how these guys got along with each other during Christmas, he’s clearly not overreacting. Surviving oldest Richard likes to slaughter guys in tournaments and in the Holy Land who as king, left his country financially ruined, had to have the English people bail him out after being captured, and really didn’t care much about being a king of England anyway. But he’s also close to his mama and may prefer the company of merry men. But he and his dad really don’t get along. Middle son Geoffrey has a case of chronic backstabbing disorder who likes to use his brothers as pawns. Luckily he dies (supposedly trampled by a horse during a jousting tournament) before his old man kicks the bucket so he’s not in the Robin Hood movies. Then there’s the youngest, Prince John who’s a spoiled teenage brat in The Lion in Winter but he’s smarter than he looks (but is unaware about being an unwitting pawn). So when Richard’s out and mommy’s dead, then he’ll try to take over. And when he becomes king, he’ll kill off Geoffrey’s teenage son Arthur before the latter would challenge him. Of course, he won’t be as well liked as Richard and will be forced to sign the Magna Carta before dying of dysentery. Yeah. Now could you not blame Henry II for wanting to kill his boys for treason?

3. J. J. Hunsecker

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From: Sweet Smell of Success
The Problem: Okay, J. J. isn’t the nicest guy in the world, but when it comes to selfish and controlling brothers, he makes Stephen Bloom look like an angel. At least Stephen has some redeeming qualities when it comes to his little brother. When it comes to J. J.’s relationship with his sister, he has absolutely none. Now since J. J. basically had to raise Susan, he’s very protective of his little sister, maybe to inappropriate levels. But he cares much more about his needs than he ever will about hers. So when his little sister Susan starts dating a nightclub jazz guitarist Steve Dallas (who’s a perfectly nice guy, by the way), what does Hunsecker do? Why recruit a smarmy press agent named Sidney Falco to break them up, of course. So to please the bullying, intimidating Hunsecker, Falco plants a (certifiably false) rumor that Dallas is a dope smoking Communist so the morally bankrupt syndicated columnist could rescue his reputation. However, though Dallas and Susan do break up (officially), Dallas just can’t resist insulting Hunsecker and his underhanded methods. Hunsecker is so enraged that he tells Falco to plant marijuana on the musician and have a dirty cop Lt. Harry Kello arrest and beat him up. Falco is uneasy about this but goes ahead with the plan anyway. But when he is summoned to Hunsecker’s penthouse, he finds the miserable Susan trying to kill herself. But he grabs her as J. J. walks in and accuses Falco of trying to assault her and beats him to a pulp. When Susan learns that her brother ordered Falco to destroy Dallas, she tells him “I’d rather be dead than living with you. For all the things you’ve done, J.J., I know I should hate you. But I don’t. I pity you.” And she walks out to rejoin her jazz guitarist boyfriend, renouncing ties to her brother altogether.

4. Steve Lake

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From: Bunny Lake Is Missing
The Problem: I’d hate to spoil this movie, but I can’t see any way in order to understand why Steve Lake is on this list. Now this movie initially plays like a conventional child abduction story with American single mom Ann Lake utterly frantic over her daughter Bunny disappearing on her first day at school. So after searching through the kindergarten in vain, Ann and Steve decide to call the police. Now when Superintendent Newhouse reaches the Lakes’ house, all of Bunny’s possessions are also missing and he begins to suspect Bunny Lake doesn’t exist, partly because Bunny was the name of Ann’s imaginary friend. Desperate to prove Bunny’s existence, Ann discovers a claim tag on one of her daughter’s dolls she took to the doll shop for repairs. But though she gets the doll, Steve bursts in attempting to burn it, knocks her out, and tells the nurse that his sister is raving like a lunatic about an imaginary girl who disappeared. When she escapes to their house knowing that her brother’s the kidnapper, Ann finds Steve burying Bunny’s things and planning to kill her. As to why Steve did it, he simply said that Bunny has always been between them and now they can’t be together because Ann loves Bunny more than she loves him. Well, ya think? But there may be hints that Steve may love his sister in a rather unhealthy way. Still, it’s clear that Steve is utterly crazy if he has to be jealous of his sister’s daughter. He shouldn’t expect Ann love Bunny more than him since putting one’s kids first is normal for any parent. Now it’s one thing for a brother to kidnap his sister’s kid. But, also trying to convince the world her kid doesn’t exist and that your sister has gone off the deep end will certainly make you the brother from hell.

5. Prince Edward “David” of Wales (later King Edward VIII)

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From: The King’s Speech
The Problem: Now we all know the story about how King Edward VIII gave up the throne out of love for the twice divorced American divorcee he loved, which caused a constitutional crisis in the UK. Sure you may think it’s the greatest love story of all time. However, while this movie might not be the most historically accurate, it puts the romantic notions of Edward’s abdication to rest once and for all as well as portrayed him as the selfish and absolute jerk he was. Seriously, the guy wasn’t keen on having his kingly duties get in the way with jetsetting around the world to party. Of course, it’s very apparent that Edward isn’t cut out to be a constitutional monarch that even his old man would prefer his stuttering little brother Bertie to him (and so would the British public). And did I tell you that he and Wallis are Nazi sympathizers? Of course, all of this brings little comfort to Bertie who’s not at all confident about his speaking abilities. It doesn’t help that Edward basically belittles him of his speech impediment just when Bertie tells him that he should take his leadership duties seriously. He also accuses his brother of trying to take his place as king even though Bertie really doesn’t want to be king. But you kind of wish that Bertie could just do it because Edward is such a selfish asshole. Of course, while Edward was right to give up the throne for his brother, it seems that Bertie got the raw end of the deal. And despite being a capable king, it doesn’t help that the stress of ruling Great Britain was said to take a massive toll on his health that he died of coronary thrombosis in 1952 at 56. Edward, on the other hand enjoyed a photo op with Adolf Hitler, a wartime governorship of the Bahamas, continued enjoying his jettsetting party lifestyle with him and Wallis as the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, and died in Paris in 1972.

6. Antonio “Tony” Camonte/Tony Montana

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From: Scarface (either version)
The Problem: Gangster movies might glamorize crime and violence. But they’re correct to tell moviegoers that you wouldn’t want to be related to one. Now there are two movies named Scarface with one being made in the 1930s that was inspired by the rise of Al Capone during Prohibition and the other about a Cuban drug kingpin in Miami during the 1970s but released in 1983. But in some essence, the story is the same. Violent guy named Tony rises to through the ranks of organized crime basically facing attention of law enforcement and law enforcement, having their lives reduced to emptiness, as well as eventually have their empires come crashing down as they get killed. Camonte loves violence and delights in his Tommy Gun without showing remorse while Montana gets addicted to cocaine and is a controlling misogynist. Of course, both Tonys are impulsive in their own way with terrible tempers and an unhealthy obsession with their sisters. By that I mean violently protective that sometimes conduct can descend into outright abuse. And when the sister runs off with the best friend to get married, the Tonys gun down the best friend assuming the guy was abusing her (he wasn’t). Their criminal activities also lead to their sisters getting killed as well.

7. Scar

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From: The Lion King
The Problem: As far as Disney villains go, Scar is among the most evil and basically fits the textbook definition of a sociopath. Yes, he’s resentful and jealous of his king of the Pridelands brother Mufasa who always gets the glory and the power he craves. But at least he’ll be next after his brother dies. That is, until Simba is born, which gets him demoted on in the line of succession which he is not happy about. Still, Scar is good at hiding his resentment toward his brother and nephew by pretending to be the loyal brother and uncle while privately planning to kill them with zero qualms. Now Scar is a ruthless chronic backstabber, consummate liar, and a master at manipulating everyone to get what he wants. First, he tricks Simba and Nala to venture into the elephant graveyard betting they are killed by hyenas. But Mufasa interferes and saves them. Yet, he also successfully dupes the hyenas into his selfish scheme, convincing them he’d make everything better for them. They fall for it. After that, he then coaxes his nephew into a gorge and triggers a wildebeest stampede where Simba is almost trampled to death if it weren’t for Mufasa returning his son to safety. But Scar throws his brother off a cliff to get trampled in the stampede at his moment of desperation, all in front of Simba’s eyes (while traumatizing an entire generation of children in the 1990s. Trust me, I watched this movie in theaters when I was 4 years old. Guess this scene gave my parents second thoughts about having me see this). Adding insult to injury, Scar tells Simba that Mufasa’s death was his fault and that he should run away and never return, before having the hyenas unsuccessfully go after him. Yet, this leaves Simba with a major guilt complex while he grows up. Once Scar is actually king of the Pridelands, he lets the hyenas run rampant making the place go to hell, turning the lush savannah into a deserted wasteland within a few years in which lion and hyena both starve. And Scar proves to be a terrible ruler because he’s a selfish, tyrannical, and lazy hedonist with virtually everybody hating his guts. Once Simba returns, Scar sets him off by smacking Sarabi when she compares him to Mufasa. And when Scar and Simba get into a fight, he pleads for mercy and confesses to killing his brother only to recant it by blaming his villainous actions on the hyenas (who are listening nearby). Luckily Simba throws him off Pride Rock and the hyenas eat him alive.

8. Charlie Babbit

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From: Rain Man
The Problem: Now taking care of a special needs sibling is difficult enough, let alone if you haven’t seen him or her since you were a little kid before being institutionalized. Now Raymond Babbit is profoundly autistic savant but he has super recall and math skills (and as far as we know, there’s no cure for autism). Charlie on the other hand, has a severe case of rich boy entitlement syndrome, which is totally curable. So when Charlie learns that his estranged dad has left the bulk of his $3 million estate is going to the older brother her barely remembers, he seeks Raymond out. However, once he meets his brother, he takes his brother to a hotel, he asks Raymond’s doctor for half the estate in exchange for Raymond’s return, but he refuses. He then decides to gain custody of his brother to get control of the money he thinks is rightfully his. So he basically kidnaps Raymond away to Los Angeles to meet with his lawyers. And when he hears about the Lamborghinis being seized by a creditor resulting in $80,000 in debt, well it’s a brotherly road trip to Vegas. But this time, it’s for Raymond to put his super memory and math skills to good use with counting cards before being chased out of the casino by security. Yeah, Charlie is a douche whose only motivation in bonding with Raymond is his bank account to support his luxurious lifestyle. Still, if I were him, I’d just go with the convertible and prize winning rose bushes and leave.

9. Jesse and Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: When it comes to dynastic clashes on Texas cattle ranches, these boys make the Ewing brothers seem normal. And when Pearl Chavez winds up on Spanish Bit, Jesse and Lewton’s relationship becomes even more antagonistic. Now if you’ve read my post on bad movie husband/boyfriends, Lewt is a violent psycho who rapes Pearl, refuses to marry her, yet goes completely apeshit if she dates anyone else. I mean he killed a guy who was going to marry her. He also derails a train and shoots his Jesse unarmed. It’s not surprising he’s the worse of the two and it’s no wonder that his family hates him. Seriously, trying to discipline Lewt is like trying to domesticate a crocodile. However, while we’re supposed to see the gentlemanly Jesse as the good brother, he’s just as much of a selfish jerk who’d sell out his family’s best interests in a heartbeat. Sure he gets ostracized for siding with the railroad men while his dad decided on an armed confrontation, but still. Now Jesse is a lawyer with political ambitions and family image is everything. So you can’t really tell whether he’s being a nice guy or doesn’t want his family put him at a disadvantage during the next election. And though he may have feelings for Pearl, he doesn’t see her as an appropriate political wife so he gets himself engaged to an upper class white girl. But if Jesse wasn’t so keen on winning office and ran off and married Pearl instead, then a lot of the bad stuff in this movie could’ve been avoided, especially Lewton and Pearl’s mutual kill.

10. Cal and Aron Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Of course, the fact these two don’t get along is certainly no surprise to me because they were raised by a shitty dad. Seriously, Adam Trask’s upbringing really messed these boys up. Now Cal is supposed to be the bad brother while Aron is seen as the good brother. However, it’s not really the case. Sure Cal is a juvenile delinquent who basically steals his brother’s girlfriend and drive him insane when he introduces Aron their mother. Not to mention, it also compels Aron to go on a bender and hop on a train to the Western front, smashing a window. But Aron is also intensely possessive of Abra and whenever she tries to do something nice with or for Cal, he just goes ballistic. Also, when Cal tries to help him in a fight, Aron thinks it’s just to impress Abra. And when Cal tries to give the money he worked so hard to earn back after his dad’s veggie disaster, Aron suddenly announces his and Abra’s engagement even though he didn’t propose at all. Yeah, Adam Trask certainly did a great job with his favoritism on Aron and abuse on Cal being basically the main reasons why they hate each other.

11. Jonathan Brewster

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From: Arsenic and Old Lace
The Problem: Contrary to what you might’ve seen on Dexter, serial killers don’t make great siblings. And while Jonathan only killed about 13 people which may be more of a byproduct of his life of crime, chances are you’d rather have dinner with his sweet elderly aunts even if they are homicidal maniacs. Seriously, the Brewsters are the kind of family in which everyone save oldest brother Mortimer is crazy, homicidal, or both. Jonathan is the guy you want to avoid since not only is he a serial killer but he’s also been pursued around by police that he’s had multiple plastic surgeries and killed his last victim for saying he looked like Boris Karloff. Not to mention, he’s a violent psychopath with no scruples who’d even torture his victims if he’s in the mood such as the Melbourne method. And it doesn’t help that he and his assistant stop by his aunts’ place where they drop off a corpse to the aunts’ dismay. Still, the guy basically thinks about killing his brothers on a whim and he gets really close to killing his older brother Mortimer by having his assistant bound and gag him to a chair. This among clueless and easily bored New York beat cops nearby. Now having a crazy family is one thing. But if you’re the guy in the crazy family with homicidal aunts who think you’ve gone off the deep end and try to kill your brother, well, you probably belong on this list.

12. Edmund Pevensie

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From: The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe
The Problem: Of course, being a middle child and sent off to a stranger’s countryside home during WWII isn’t going to put you in the best situation. So Edmund wanting attention, glory, and sugary sweets isn’t very surprising, especially since he starts out the series at 10. Not to mention, out of the 4 Pevensie children, it’s pretty clear he gets the least attention from their parents. In the beginning, he’s already in a bad relationship with his siblings who basically bullies younger sister Lucy just because he can, even after they get out of the wardrobe. Still, when he first gets into Narnia after chasing Lucy around, he meets the White Witch who takes him in her white sleigh and treats him to Turkish delight, calling herself the “Queen of Narnia.” She also asks him to return and bring his siblings with him, offering a reward of him being a prince and perhaps a king. However, Edmund obviously has no idea what’s going on in Narnia as well as what the hell he’s getting himself into. What’s really going on is that the White Witch is just using him so she could kill them all to prevent the fulfillment of a Narnia prophecy. And that she has made him do her bidding by getting him hooked on the Narnian equivalent to crack. So when the Pevensie siblings are staying with the Beavers and talking about Aslan, Edmund sneaks out to the Witch’s castle. Of course, it’s only when he gets there does he realize he’s made a very big mistake, but that doesn’t stop the White Witch from trying to put him to death. Perhaps the only reason why Edmund’s siblings forgave him was because his familial betrayal had less to do with selfishness than his own stupidity and desire for attention. But it’s Edmund’s ignorance that nearly puts him and his siblings in mortal danger.

13. Paris

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From: Troy and other films.
The Problem: Well, a pretty straightforward one, really. Now suppose you’re the Trojan Crown Prince Hector with a loving wife and young son. All you want to do with your life is basically spend time with your family and help your dad rule Troy. But one day, your little brother Paris goes on a diplomatic mission to Sparta where he ends up running off with Queen Helen. Unfortunately she’s married to King Menelaus who’s certainly not at all happy. In fact, he’s so royally pissed off that he enlists help from his brother and the other Greek city states that have now declared war on Troy, which will go on for 10 years. Now you correctly think that what your little brother did wasn’t just selfish but also phenomenally stupid. Not to mention, even the Trojans think Paris is a philandering, cowardly jerk who’s responsible for this mess. But this is Ancient Greece, your sense of honor won’t let you to just give Helen back to Menelaus which would basically solve everything. As we all know, destiny and hubris pretty much make this conflict unavoidable. And the fact that you’re also Troy’s best warrior means that you’re going to spend a lot of time away from the family. Now does that make you want to kill your brother? Well, if it doesn’t just make note that you will be killed by Achilles, your body will be desecrated, your city will be burned, your newborn son will be thrown from the city walls, and your wife will become a sex slave to your slayer’s son. Oh, and your sister will be taken as Agamemnon’s sex slave and is killed by Clytemnestra. But don’t worry, Paris dies in this war, too.

14. King Claudius

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From: Hamlet
The Problem: It’s one thing to kill your brother for the throne of Denmark. But marry the guy’s widow soon after his death? Sure he may seem to love her and may help him get the throne but his nephew Hamlet is certainly not going to be happy about that when he gets home. And when he finds out from his ghost dad that Claudius killed his father, he’s going to be super pissed. But Uncle Claudius isn’t going to give up his kingdom too easily, especially after he gets pissed off over his nephew putting on a play about it. Luckily Hamlet missed an opportunity to kill him while he’s praying to God (for God’s sake, Hamlet, why don’t you just fucking kill your uncle already?). So this gives time for Claudius to send Rosencrantz and Guilderstern to kill him after he sends Hamlet out of town with a message to the king of England to kill him (luckily Hamlet has the two idiots murdered by giving them the message). And when Hamlet gets back home, he tries to have his nephew killed another time via swordfight with the now angry, grieving, and vengeful Laertes in which they kill each other. Fortunately Hamlet kills him before dying but not after his mother drinks poison. And as a result of his actions, the whole Danish royal family is dead. Yes, fratricide is a bitch.

15. Peeta Mellark’s Older Brothers
From: The Hunger Games Trilogy
The Problem: While I’m not sure whether you see them in the film, but they’re mentioned in the book. Now we’re all aware that every year in Panem, a teenage boy and girl are chosen at random (or supposed to be, but the selection system is rigged) during the Reaping as tributes for each of the 12 districts to participate an annual fight to the death on national television. At least one of Peeta’s brothers was eligible to compete in the first book. But while Katniss Everdeen volunteers as a tribute in her sister’s place, Peeta’s brothers do no such thing (in typical Panem sibling fashion). And it doesn’t help that he’s in love with Katniss who’s probably favored to win the Games anyway (as we know from Catching Fire) and if she didn’t decide that they’d commit suicide together, he probably wouldn’t last the first book. Those familiar with the trilogy know the rest, especially with what happens to him in Mockingjay.

16. Hindley Earnshaw

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: In relation to Heathcliff, Hindley isn’t technically a brother but that’s as far as we’re concerned. However, they were raised together in the same house, so he counts. Now Hindley’s hatred for Heathcliff starts when his dad brings him to Wuthering Heights. Of course, considering his situation, since a new sibling does lead to less parental attention, this is understandable, especially for children of single parents. However, his father’s attention to Heathcliff makes this Mr. Little Entitlement here utterly jealous and resentful. So when Edgar dies, Hindley assumes the role of family patriarch and forces Heathcliff to work relentlessly as a family servant (or house slave, not that there’s any difference). Doesn’t help matters that Hindley later becomes an alcoholic and compulsive gambler as an adult. Now Heathcliff didn’t like Hindley to begin with nor is he necessarily nice either. But being forced to work for his foster brother really makes him despise the guy. Not only that, but Hindley’s treatment of Heathcliff is largely what shapes the latter into a cruel and bitter person. And when Heathcliff returns after a mysterious 3 year absence, he assumes ownership from under Hindley’s nose and basically has him drink himself to death. Sure Heathcliff was pretty cruel to the guy, but it’s not like Hindley didn’t deserve it. I mean treating someone like scum and a monster isn’t a good idea, especially if the victim displays signs of being a possible sociopath. So Hindley pretty much had it coming. Edgar Linton, on the other hand…..

17. Charles “Charlie” Oakley

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From: Shadow of a Doubt
The Problem: Now Charlie is more of an uncle but even so, you’d think his sister Emma would know better. I mean Charlie hasn’t seen her in years until all of a sudden, he just decides to pay her a visit (of course, we all know he’s being chased by cops at the moment). But unlike Jonathan Brewster, Charlie wouldn’t think of killing his older sister, mostly because he only targets rich widows that he equates with cows best left to the slaughterhouse. Yet, you can argue that while Emma is practically blind to who her brother really is, her ignorance basically keeps her out of harm’s way. But it kind of makes her naming her daughter after him very unsettling. Also helps Uncle Charlie that everyone in town adores him. On the other hand, you couldn’t say the same for Young Charlie who’s the only one in her family to sense that there’s something very wrong with him. He also gives her a wedding ring, which is among the most inappropriate gifts for someone in your family, save maybe in West Virginia. But after a run in with the cops looking for the “Merry Widow Killer” and a bit of research on the ring, she finds that the uncle she once idolized is actually a remorseless serial killer on the run. When Young Charlie tells him what she knows, he tries to kill her 3 times such as breaking the stair steps so she could fall and break her neck, locking her in a garage with the engine running so she’d suffocate from carbon monoxide poisoning, or trying to throw her off a train. He also tries to choke her, too. Now staying at your sister’s place from the cops is one thing. Manipulating her into thinking you’re a good person while trying to bump off her daughter will certainly make you a brother from hell.

18. Derek Vinyard

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From: American History X
The Problem: Danny Vinyard idolizes his brother Derek. And why should he? After all, Derek is a good student as well as has a talent for basketball. However, the guy is a racist Neo-Nazi skinhead who commits violent crimes against racial minorities in his neighborhood as well as recruits others to his cause. Not to mention, such hate also makes him hostile to family members as driving his mother’s Jewish boyfriend away and attacking his sister. Sure his dad was killed by black gangbangers but still, that gives you no reason to be a Neo-Nazi. And I’m sure Derek had been accustomed to racism all his life. But a lot of racists wouldn’t commit acts of violence in the name of white supremacy (or pure blood supremacy in the case with Draco Malfoy). Nevertheless, Derek’s influence on his little brother leads him on the same path. Sure Derek might’ve reformed during his prison sentence but his past as a Neo-Nazi will haunt him for the rest of his life. Derek probably didn’t mean to be a role model, but older siblings tend set examples for their younger counterparts whether they like it or not.

19. Edmund
From: King Lear
The Problem: Okay, I get it, growing up knowing you were the product of your dad’s fling certainly has to suck. So I can understand why Edmund might harbor resentment for his legitimately born older half-brother Edgar as well as for the rest of the world who cruelly judge him. Yet, since this play features two Shakespearean dads with parenting skills you might see in a Disney movie, let’s just say Edmund has a lot of free rein for dirty work. Now Edmund tricks the Earl of Gloucester into thinking Edgar is plotting to kill him (just to get their dad’s title). Since backstabbing and killing relatives was relatively common up to the Middle Ages, Gloucester is duped. This leads Edgar to go on the run disguised as a crazy homeless guy to evade capture and stay alive. Let’s just say that if Edgar hadn’t fallen in with King Lear and ran into his dad, he would’ve been dead. Of course, Edmund seduces Lear’s older daughters as well as manipulates everyone to increase his power, but that’s another story. Luckily for Edgar, he finds out about Edmund’s treachery and kills him. Considering that Edmund is a power hungry opportunist who framed him, you can’t really blame Edgar’s conduct here.

20. Charley Maloy

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From: On the Waterfront
The Problem: Now deciding whether to blow the whistle on illegal workplace activity isn’t one you’d want to make, especially if it pertains to organized crime and the guys planning to testify end up dead. But if your brother is the crime boss’s right hand man, well, it certainly puts you in a tight spot. Now Terry Maloy’s relationship with Charley hasn’t helped him at all over the years. For one, he was once a promising boxer who’s still bitter of how Charley instructed him to deliberately lose a fight so his boss Johnny Friendly could win money. This perfectly illustrates that Charley has basically put his own needs before his younger brother in the past that while he’s fairly well off, Terry is struggling as a longshoreman on the docks. Second, Terry’s connection to Charley leads Friendly to having him to coax fellow dockworker Joey Doyle into a death trap. Now Terry had no idea that Friendly’s guys were going to kill him, assuming they would try to get him out of talking. But he nevertheless feels genuine guilt over it and resents being used as a tool. Over the course of the film Terry falls under increased pressure to testify against the mob, whether it’s from Father Barry, Doyle’s attractive sister Edie, witnessing a co-worker getting crushed by a load of whiskey, or his own conscience. But his brother’s place in the mob makes him reluctant to do so. And soon Johnny Friendly tells Charley that he either try to keep Terry quiet or kill him. Their taxicab conversation basically sums their relationship up when Terry says, “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it. It was you, Charley.” Sure Charley may redeem himself at the end, but it comes at a great cost.

21. Connor Rooney

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From: Road to Perdition
The Problem: Like Hindley, Connor isn’t a brother in relation to Michael Sullivan Sr. But he counts nonetheless because they were raised together. Now despite being played by the future James Bond, Connor is a real piece of work, even by Irish mob standards. Hell, as far as mobster brothers go, he makes Michael Corleone seem like a saint. Now while his dad John loves him as any son, Connor has always despised Michael and is deeply jealous of the relationship the latter had with the former’s mob boss dad. To him, Michael has always been an outsider whose membership in The Sons of John Rooney is an intrusion. Still, Rooney’s favoritism to Michael is understandable since Connor is a violent and unstable screw-up with an entitlement complex who steals from his old man. Michael by contrast, is like the son Rooney never had, is basically everything Connor isn’t as well as has a nice family. Now when Michael’s 12 year old son witnesses Connor snap out and kill associate Finn McGovern as well as his dad mowing down McGovern’s men, Connor tries to use this as an excuse to kill the Sullivan and his folks. This despite that Michael trying to swear his son into secrecy and the elder Rooney pressuring him to apologize for his reckless actions. So Connor just sends Sullivan to a speakeasy with a message to the owner that all debts to Rooney will be forgiven if you shoot him in the head. Fortunately, Michael finds out about the plot and kills the owner. But Connor also comes up to Sullivan’s house where he murders Michael’s wife and younger son in the bathroom (Michael Jr. had to stay after school for detention). When Michael and his older son see Annie and Peter’s dead bodies, they’re completely devastated but can’t stay for the funeral because they’re forced to go on the run for their lives. Connor meanwhile, hires a sadistic hitman with an amateur photography hobby named Maguire to gun them down. It also puts Michael in a battle to not only save Michael Jr.’s life but also his soul, hence the title. It doesn’t help that Rooney is willing to protect Connor over guilt of not being a better father to him. As long as Rooney’s alive, Connor is basically untouchable. And as long as Connor’s still kicking, Sullivan and Michael Jr. are in mortal danger. So those who’ve seen the film can figure out what happens from there.

22. Andy and Hank Hanson

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD
From: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
The Problem: Not to be confused with the 1990s boy band or the violent but loveable hockey trio from Slapshot, there’s absolutely nothing likeable about these guys. Now older brother Andy is a finance executive who’s just embezzled from his employer (to fund a heroin addiction) hoping to escape to Brazil where there’s no extradition (he’s wrong, of course). Younger brother Hank owes 3 months of child support as well as his daughter’s private school tuition. So to solve their financial woes, these guys decide to rob their parents’ jewelry store. Now while Andy is certainly the ruthless schemer who causes the deaths of 5 people, including his mother, Hank is banging Andy’s wife but other than that, he’s a pushover. Still, after the robbery, Hank is blackmailed by their assistant’s brother-in-law into giving compensation to his widow. To resolve it, Andy robs a heroin dealer he frequents but Hank is utterly shocked when his brother kills the guy and a client. He also kills the blackmailer after paying him off. Not to mention, Andy turns the gun on Hank just to let him know that he knows what’s going on between him and Gina and that he doesn’t like it. Luckily, their dad does a little detective work and gives Andy what he deserves.

23. Michael

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From: Brothers
The Problem: Suffering from PTSD is no day at the beach, especially if you’re a vet who’s spent time as a POW in Afghanistan as well as under conditions that violate the Geneva Convention. Now Michael has been through hell and just wants to come back to his family. So much that he bludgeons his cell mate to death, which gives him an incredible guilt complex on top of that. Seriously, he needs to see a therapist but as he’s unwilling to discuss his wartime experience, he becomes full of paranoia, rage, and suspicion. Now while Michael was away, his screw up and ex con younger brother Jannik has looked after his family as well as turned a new leaf. He and Sarah even develop feelings for each other but they rightly decide not to pursue a relationship. But when Michael comes back, does he thank his brother for doing a good job? No, he basically tears apart Jannik’s kitchen improvements as well as threaten and abuse his wife, possibly suspicious that she and Jannik had a fling. And Jannik is the one who tries to keep Michael from causing further harm to his wife and kids. He also points a gun at a cop. And it doesn’t help that Jannik was a punching bag for Michael and their dad since he was always getting in trouble.

24. Richard, Duke of Gloucester (later King Richard III)

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From: Richard III
The Problem: Now the real Richard III wasn’t nearly as bad as the one we’re used to which is based on Tudor propaganda more than anything. Seriously, the real Richard III became king through just saying that Edward IV kids were bastards because he was engaged to another woman as well as having his other brother George’s kids declared illegitimate as well. Besides, he was running the country anyway and what he did was perfectly legal (not to mention, Edward IV was such a horndog that anyone in England would believe him and that the Woodvilles weren’t well liked at all). Not to mention, other kings would do the same thing. Still, seizing the throne, marrying Lady Anne (whom he actually loved all his life, by the way unlike in Shakespeare and he didn’t bump off her first husband and dad. Also, they had a 10 year old son by his coronation), hating the Woodvilles, imprisoning his nephews in the Tower, and dying at Bosworth Field (though he actually died fighting in the thick of battle) are basically the only things Richard actually did. Also, he never lived past 32. Shakespeare’s Richard III is basically the brother from hell who has his brother George drowned in a massive vat of wine, drives oldest brother Edward IV to an early grave, and has his imprisoned nephews killed. Sure it’s tough being the hunchbacked younger brother with the withered arm. But still Little Richard proves to be a rather entertaining but very manipulative and heartless bastard backstabbing family members and friends whenever it’s convenient. Of course, he wants to be king but he also wants to ruin everyone else in the process whether they be family, friends, allies, spouses, or countrymen. Still, despite the monstrosity Richard may be, you can’t really hate him, especially if played by Sir Laurence Olivier. Man, what a magnificent bastard.

25. Duke Michael

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From: The Prisoner of Zenda
The Problem: Now it’s all right to be angry over passed over for your dad’s crown just because your mother wasn’t a princess while your stepmother was. And sure, it’s a pain in the ass to see your younger half-brother on the throne, especially if he tends to act like an overgrown frat boy who doesn’t take his duties seriously. Yes, King Rudolf should get his act together and take responsibility while spending less time boozing and shooting animals. However, it’s not okay to usurp the throne by drugging his wine on the night before his coronation, having your assistant kidnap him the next morning, and holding him at your castle dungeon under adverse conditions is not. Nor is wanting to execute him and marry his fiancée either. Fortunately, Rudolf has a distant English cousin who can fill in for him in the meantime. Still, Michael, maybe you should just give up your kingly dreams and settle down with your French girlfriend. I mean being king isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, anyway. Seriously, the Duke of Windsor gave up the throne to be in your position.

26. Simone Parondi

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From: Rocco and His Brothers
The Problem: Now out of all the Parondi brothers, second brother Simone is arguably the dysfunctional one who middle brother Rocco has to bail out. Of course, the younger Parondi boys had to move up north to Milan from their country life after their father’s death. But it’s Simone’s nefarious deeds that nearly drive the family apart and basically crush Rocco’s happiness since he’s way too nice for his own good. Now the ambitious Simone becomes a prizefighter and dates a prostitute named Nadia, she rejects him after he asked her for more than a casual relationship. When Rocco returns from a tour of duty in Turin, he meets Nadia and they enter into an exclusive relationship with her giving up her old lifestyle. Of course, since she’s had a history with his older brothers, a love like this would make Thanksgiving dinner very awkward. But Simone is incredibly possessive of Nadia as well as a selfish and raging alcoholic who’s turned to petty crime. Naturally when he sees Rocco and Nadia together, he decides to take revenge. So he gets a gang of friends, proceeds to attack the couple, and brutally rapes Nadia while forcing Rocco to watch. This leads Rocco to break up with her and tells Nadia to go back to Simone because he doesn’t want to see his brother angry or her getting killed. Sure Rocco wants to keep his family together and it’s all right he wants Simone to be happy. But what he really should’ve done is dump Nadia and tell her to get out of town. And Rocco is basically doomed as Simone’s enabler because he has no spine. When Simone stole a brooch and shirt at work, Rocco returns it. When he’s poor as henshit, he cajoles money from his brothers and robs his boss. And to repay Simone’s patron, Rocco signs a 10 year boxing contract, but he despises the sport. Yet, as Nadia returns to her own ways and rejects Simone again, he jealously stabs her to death and confesses to her murder after Rocco’s first victory. Fourth brother Ciro wisely calls the police on Simone and is ostracized by his family.

27. Taro and Jiro Ichimonji

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From: Ran
The Problem: If you think English royals had problems, then you have to see Japanese warlords. Now while he was young Hidetora was a powerful and feared warlord. But now he just wants to retire and divide the family business among his 3 sons. However, as the aging daimyo tries to show how being joint rulers strengthens a domain, youngest son Saburo tells him how dividing the family’s assets is a bad idea as well as that he should know better than to expect a peaceful and harmonious relationship among his kids since Hidetora gained power through ruthlessness and murdering his allies. But he’s banished along with anyone who defends him. Unfortunately, Saburo is right. And while he’s gone, Taro and Jiro basically feud over who’s going to be the next clan leader, driving their dad to Saburo’s castle prior to ransacking it to the point where Hidetora can’t even perform hari kiri just to restore his family honor. So Hidetora goes nuts. Not to mention, their forces stage a massacre as well. And it doesn’t help that these guys are being played by Taro’s wife Lady Kaede who’s a Lady Macbeth in her own right wanting revenge against the father-in-law who knocked off her family. She’s also shagging Jiro as well. And Jiro also kills Saburo for coming back and helping their dad. But as the result, the Ichimonji clan is destroyed by the end because these two didn’t want to share.

28. Tommy Miller

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From: The Butterfly Effect
The Problem: For one, he’s incredibly creepy even when he gets older. Secondly, he’s a total sociopath. Third, he’s extremely possessive of his sister Kayleigh and may feel more than brotherly affection for her. So when she starts dating Evan Treborn, Tommy either sets his dog on fire or tries to kill him putting Evan in prison for offing him in self-defense. And when he’s not a sociopath, then he’s a sweet, gentle born again Christian, but he’s still creepy. Oh, and did I tell you, he can beat up a guy twice his size?

29. Michael Myers

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From: The Halloween Franchise
The Problem: Michael was certainly trouble from the beginning since he’s a soulless killing machine. Unfortunately, his parents didn’t get the memo until after he stabbed his older sister with a kitchen knife for no explanation. Thus, he’s put in a mental institution from which he later escapes. However, somehow he finds out that his parents had another daughter who was giving up for adoption now known by the name of Laurie Strode (but this isn’t revealed until the second movie). Somehow Myers tracks her down and starts stalking her at school and when she’s babysitting on Halloween night. There he proceeds to kill her friends before attacking her but luckily his psychiatrist steps in. Yet, as we know in horror movies, we know that horror movie villains are only kept alive just to have room for a sequel. Oh, and after Laurie dies, Michael just goes after her daughter. Now trying to track a long lost biological sibling is understandable, but trying to kill her, well, that’s a bit much.

30. Dimitri and Ivan Karamazov as well as Pavel Smerdyakov

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From: The Brothers Karamazov
The Problem: To be fair, the Karamazov brothers all had a terrible childhood and a father who was a piece of shit ranging from absentee at best to downright abusive at worst. It’s a miracle that Alexei is the only good one of the bunch thanks to Father Zosima. The rest turn out just like you’d expect. Oldest brother Dimitri is a volatile party animal who’s only willing to contact his old man because he needs money and feels entitled to his inheritance. He also comes to violence and lethal threats to the elder Fyodor over a prostitute named Grushenka. Second brother Ivan is a nihilistic atheist who hates his dad and doesn’t show much affection for his brothers at first. He also has a thing for Dimitri’s fiancée Katrina Ivanova (though to be fair Dimitri doesn’t care much for her anyway despite what she thinks). However, Ivan’s influence turns destructive, especially when he states that in a world without God, “everything is permitted” (even though he doesn’t really believe this but his intellectual arrogance makes him blind to such unfortunate implications until after things go from bad to worse). And then there’s the epileptic Smerdyakov, who works as a servant and is almost certainly Fyodor’s illegitimate son. However, he’s misanthropic and antisocial as well as much smarter than he looks. Not to mention, he tortured stray cats as a child which suggest that he has the makings of a future serial killer. However, when Fyodor is killed, suspicion falls immediately to Dimitri for obvious reasons that even when he’s trying to explain what he did during the murder, police see his testimony as mounting evidence (even though Dimitri clearly didn’t do it). Thus, Dimitri is apprehended. But when Ivan goes nuts after hearing the truth about Fyodor’s murder from Smerdaykov which would’ve exonerated the oldest brother, the latter kills himself leaving Ivan unable to effectively help Dimitri during his trial. And the jury is more likely to believe Katarina who’s basically framing him out of spite, resulting in him being sent to Siberia. Nevertheless, could you really blame Alexei for wanting to live in a monastery?

Mother’s Day Gifts Your Mom Doesn’t Want

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent during my feshman orientation in August of 2008.

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent College during my freshman orientation in August of 2008.

I know this is a little early but since Mother’s Day is on the second Sunday in May, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think about what to give your mother, assuming that she’s still alive and you’re on good terms with her. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the mother of your kids, too. For many people, their mothers are usually the primary parents of their lives for a variety of reasons such as a 9 month gestation period, traditional gender roles, and how mothers usually tend to have child custody in a divorce case. But while bad mothers have existed, we have celebrated motherhood throughout the ages as well as great mothers. Still, if there is an argument for equal pay for women, paid maternity leave, universal healthcare, unionism, affordable childcare, or other social action in the US it’s because millions of American working moms provide for their families every day and the best this government can do is give them the support and respect they deserve. Besides, you won’t just find mothers doing housework but also working out in the world at almost every rung of the economic ladder. So it was basically a no brainer for some woman to come up with Mother’s Day, which she later regretted since it became conveniently engulfed with commercialism. Now I can go on and on about great Mother’s Day gift ideas like flowers, chocolates, or a new hat, but I think you’d find it boring and won’t read my post. Instead, I’ll focus on products that would make any mother gasp in horror. Now I’m not talking about the conventional homemade coupons but perhaps some of the more unusual. So without further adieu, here the many gifts that won’t please your mother. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Waistband Stretcher

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it's like telling your mother, "You're fat" as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it’s like telling your mother, “You’re fat” as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

2.  Botox Gift Certificate

Because there's no better way to tell your mom she's seen better days and that crow's feet aren't a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

Because there’s no better way to tell your mom she’s seen better days and that crow’s feet aren’t a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

3. Happy Man Bottle Stopper

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother's Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you'd want to give your college frat boy brother.

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you’d want to give your college frat boy brother.

4. Broom and Dustpan Slippers

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother's Day gift? Sure it's a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother's feet to look that ridiculous?

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Sure it’s a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother’s feet to look that ridiculous?

5. The Cuchini

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

6. Carpet Slippers

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I'm not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I’m not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

7. Chinchilla Apron

Yes, it's fake. But just because it's an apron, doesn't mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we're not in the Stone Age.

Yes, it’s fake. But just because it’s an apron, doesn’t mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we’re not in the Stone Age.

8. Assorted Chocolate Crocheted Satchels

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, "Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!" Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she'd actually want like real chocolate.

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, “Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!” Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she’d actually want like real chocolate!

9. Roach Slippers

For one, my house doesn't get roaches so my mother wouldn't use it anyway. Second, wouldn't it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

For one, my house doesn’t get roaches so my mother wouldn’t use it anyway. Second, wouldn’t it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

10. Emergency Bra

Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother's Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Ask yourself these questions: Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother’s Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

11. Weight Watchers Gift Certificate

Let's just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion.

Let’s just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion. You really don’t want to call your mom fat on Mother’s Day.

12. Rejuvenique Face Mask

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I'd rather recommend this as a Mother's Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer.

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I’d recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer. Pamela Voorhees and Mrs. Bates will absolutely love this!

13. Face Slimmer Duck Mask

Mother's Day gifts shouldn't pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn't give any face silimming contraptions to anyone. Still, better than Botox since you can at least take it out.

Mother’s Day gifts shouldn’t pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t give any face silimming contraptions to anyone, especially since it makes you look like you’ve had Botox injections on your lips!

14. Houreisen Face Exercise Mask

Basically nothing says Mother's Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

Basically nothing says Mother’s Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

15. Facial Flex

Now here's a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn't work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

Now here’s a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn’t work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

16. The Fat Magnet

It's supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there's no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn't come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.

It’s supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there’s no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn’t come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva. Seriously, there are better things to spend $20.

17. Food Dress

I'm sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you're Lady Tottington, I don't see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

I’m sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you’re Lady Tottington, I don’t see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

18. Fancy, Fringy Daisy Dukes

For one, these aren't great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren't even in style and look ridiculous.

For one, these aren’t great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren’t even in style and look ridiculous.

19. Glitter Shitter

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I'm sure she didn't mean this, unless she's Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John's disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I’m sure she didn’t mean this, unless she’s Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John’s disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

20. Go Girl!

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there's no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there’s no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

21. Gold Poop Pills

If sparkly toilet seats aren't bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

If sparkly toilet seats aren’t bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system to the water treatment plant. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

22. Hug-E-Gram

The kind of Mother's Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren't working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

The kind of Mother’s Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren’t working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

23. Hana Tsun Nose Straightener

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career and attract a following of fangirls, then I don't see why anybody should need this. Seriously, your mom's nose is probably fine the way it is.

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career as a leading man and attract a following of fangirls, then I don’t see why anybody needs this. Seriously, your mom’s nose is probably fine the way it is.

24. Cooking for the Clueless DVD

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother's Day isn't the time of year to bring that up.

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother’s Day isn’t the time of year to bring that up.

25. Hand Dipped Roses

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you're probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she'd appreciate it more and it's a better option for your wallet.

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you’re probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she’d appreciate it more and it’s a better option for your wallet.

26. Parenting Manual

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother's Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she's a grandmother.

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother’s Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she’s a grandmother.

27. Twilight Edward Cullen Pillow

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

28. Wine Holder Necklace

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that's absurd.

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that’s absurd.

29. Muscle Tights

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

30. Picnic Pants

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn't mean she's desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn’t mean she’s desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

31. Predator Claw Rings

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She'd probably appreciate that way more.

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She’d probably appreciate that way more.

32. Private Laptop Viewer

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she's been swallowed by a giant sock.

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she’s been swallowed by a giant sock.

33. Razorbra Back Shaver

Now I'm familiar with men having back hair, but I'm not sure if women do or not. If so, it's hardly an issue. Seriously, it's barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men's at least.

Now I’m familiar with men having back hair, but I’m not sure if women do or not. If so, it’s hardly an issue. Seriously, it’s barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men’s at least.

34. Frownies

I'm sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

I’m sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

35. Suction-Powered Lip Plumper

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

36. Cleavage Pillow

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom's cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn't know about cleavage wrinkles either.

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom’s cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn’t know about cleavage wrinkles either.

37. Aerator Sandals

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

38. High Heel Wine Bottle Holder

I'm sure this would be the perfect Mother's Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

I’m sure this would be the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

39. Trenchcoat Night Shirt

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother's Day. Seriously, why?

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother’s Day. Seriously, why?

40. “Won’t It Be Fun If It’s Pink?” Kitchen Appliances

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, that wouldn't go over well.

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, it wouldn’t go over well.

41. Bare Lifts Breast Support

Now many mom's may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother's Day is a very bad idea.

Now many mom’s may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother’s Day is a very bad idea.

42. Fix a Flop Repair Kit

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it's not like you need to have them repaired unless you're Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it’s not like you need to have them repaired unless you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

43. Solar Mooning Gnome

I'm sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

I’m sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

44. Wine Bottle Wine Glass

Now this is the perfect Mother's Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn't mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

Now this is the perfect Mother’s Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn’t mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

45. Squat Strap

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that's not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that’s not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

46. Crazy Cat Lady Game

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I'm sure it's fun for all ages.

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I’m sure it’s fun for all ages.

47. Super Kegel Exerciser

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman's sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I'd sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I’d sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

48. Ouch Cutting Board

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

49. Play Doh Perfume

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

50. Chocolate Jesus

For the Catholic mom on Mother's Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn't really say no to chocolate, no matter the kind of sacrilegious shape it may take.

For the Catholic mom on Mother’s Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn’t say no to chocolate, regardless of sacrilegious shape.

51. Slipper Genie

I'm sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother's Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

I’m sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother’s Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

52. Steve Buscemi Dress

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I'm sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I think you're better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead.

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I’m sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I’m sure it makes such a sexy model look very unsexy indeed with having Steve Buscemi on her chest. I think you’re better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead. A DVD of Fargo is a good choice, too.

53. Portable Speaker Shoes

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I'm not sure if she'd want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel's "Stiletto" would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I’m not sure if she’d want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

54. Measuring Tape Belt

Now this is a perfect Mother's Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you'd probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

Now this is a perfect Mother’s Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you’d probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

55. Subtle Butt Gas Filters

I'm sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatuence. However, Mother's Day isn't one of those times.

I’m sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatulence. However, Mother’s Day isn’t one of those times.

56. Tissue Box Photo Cover

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn't mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn’t mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

57. Uterus Flowers

If your mom isn't one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn't recommend this as a Mother's Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

If your mom isn’t one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn’t recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

58. Wake-N-Bacon Alarm Clock

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I'm not sure if this is just right for Mother's Day.

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I’m not sure if this is just right for Mother’s Day.

59. Wearable Luggage

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there's no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, "bag lady" a whole new meaning. For Mother's Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there’s no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, “bag lady” a whole new meaning. For Mother’s Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

60. Burt Reynolds Tea Towel

I'm sure your mom wouldn't want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother's Day gift in poor taste.

I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother’s Day gift in poor taste.

Bad Movie Mothers

Not to be outdone, while there are a lot of bad movie fathers out there in cinema, mothers could be just as bad. Just because women were biologically created to bear children for 9 months doesn’t mean they’re any better parents. Yet, we tend to be more shocked by bad mothering simply because we kind of expect more from moms than dads. In fact, it’s possible for a man to be a dad and not even know it. Yet, this is mostly due to sexism, double standards, and all the lurid  stories on the news that pertain to crime and abuse. You know, sensationalism. However, when it comes to movies, let’s say that the moms are just as bad even if their activities tend to be more horrifying. Still, while we have women like Mrs. Gump, Mrs. Weasley, Mildred Pierce, and Mrs. Miniver, there are also a lot of movie moms who’ve made their kids’ lives such a living hell that you’d probably not want to send flowers to them. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a mom who’s constantly told you to clean your room, do the dishes, take out the garbage, and eat your vegetables as well as sometimes embarrassed you with giving you a set of pink bunny pajamas for Christmas, remember you could have to deal with moms as bad as these movie ones I list here. Also, includes stepmothers as well. So without further adieu, here is a list of monstrous movie matriarchs, you’d be glad not to have. And if you are a mom, at least it would make you happier about your parenting skills.

1. The Wicked Queen

Snow-white-disneyscreencaps.com-5512
From: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The Problem: Disney isn’t well known for its share of great parents (at least ones who don’t actually die in the middle of the movie). I mean there’s a lot of incompetent dads like the Sultan and Maurice as well as evil stepmothers. And as far as evil stepmothers go, I have to give that honor to the wicked queen. This woman basically puts a hit on Snow White all because she upstaged her on the Magic Mirror’s list of the Fairest One of All. I mean she sends a huntsman to rip out her heart and put it in a box as well as gave her stepdaughter a poisoned apple that put her into a deep sleep that could only be broken through sexual assault. All because of the Wicked Queen being jealous of her looks and upset about aging. Look, sister, I’d totally understand you wanting to knock off Snow White since she’ll soon reach the age of maturity and rule on her own (assuming your husband is dead), which will put you out of a job as regent and I’m sure you really enjoy the post. Then again, it’s not like she’ll be prepared for it since you made her spend a lot of her time in rags scrubbing the castle sidewalk. However, wanting to kill your stepdaughter just because a magic mirror said she was hotter than you is just fucking stupid! Look, if a magic mirror told me that I was no longer the Fairest One of All, I’d just book that Magic Mirror on the Wall an appointment with Mr. Sledgehammer. Seriously, even if you do kill Snow White, the mirror would probably name some other woman the Fairest One of All. Not worth it.
2. Joan Crawford

Mommie_Dearest
From: Mommie Dearest
The Problem: Now this movie is based on a memoir by Joan’s daughter Christina who might not have presented an accurate portrait of her adoptive mother, which has been hotly contested by Bette Davis, Myrna Loy, a few of her biographers, her two younger daughters, and three of her ex-husbands. Still, it didn’t stop the legendary star from Mildred Pierce to have her public reputation ultimately destroyed. Nevertheless, while Joan desperately wants children for the sake of the publicity, she’s a control freak out of control. At one moment, she’s lavishing luxuries, only to take them away the next. She also fosters constant competition, chops Christina’s hair like a madwoman, and beating her child with a wire hanger (for hanging a dress with one). Oh, and though she screams about wanting a spotless house, she’s willing to destroy rooms just to make them clean up. Not to mention, she strapped Christopher to his bed in order to keep him from jerking off. Now that is one crazy bitch! So who the hell did her background check at the adoption agency?
3. Mrs. Windle Vale

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From: Now, Voyager
The Problem: Now Mrs. Vale has raised her daughter Charlotte to be her lifelong companion as well as do whatever she says whether it means where to spend her time, what she reads, or how to dress. And she’s been trying to control and socially isolate Charlotte since she’d tried to run off with that sailor, basically preventing her daughter from having her own life. Not to mention, she has to be constantly reminded that her mom had her in her 40s and still sees her as an unwanted child. Unsurprisingly this drives Charlotte into a nervous breakdown that Dr. Jacquith has to get her to his sanitorium for depressed rich people. Of course, after rehab, a cruise, an extramarital affair, and a Dior wardrobe, Charlotte blossoms into a new woman, but her mother is just as determined to destroy her little girl once more. And even when Charlotte basically sticks up for herself, Mrs. Vale always tries to pull any deliberate stunt to guilt her, even falling down the stairs. Yet, all throughout Mrs. Vale always seems to take pleasuring in torment her daughter. What a bitch.
4. Deirdre Burroughs

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From: Running with Scissors
The Problem: While Joan Crawford’s parenting skills can be debated, you can’t really say the same for Augusten Burroughs’ mother. Sure he’d grow up to be a famous author but still, he had a terrible childhood. His father, Norman is an alcoholic and absentee. Yet, it’s his mother, Deirdre who really makes things hell for him with her severe mood swings and erratic behavior as well as a conviction that the rest of the world is slightly dumber and less deserving of attention and praise. By the time Augusten hits puberty, he no longer feels safe because of his folks and it’s his mother who thinks her husband is out to kill her. Nevertheless, when his parents split and too obsessed with her own problems, she sends him to the house of her shrink and his eccentric family (as well as has a relationship with a schizo man in his 30s) as well as a room called a, “masturbatorium.” Still, as Deirdre becomes more mentally unsound, Augusten thinks she no longer wants him. Great mother for any aspiring writer looking for material, but puts children at a high risk therapy future. Also, it says a lot about Deirdre that while Augusten managed to reconcile with his dad, he’s still estranged from his mom to this day.
5. Margaret White

carrie-margaret-white-stephen-king
From: Carrie
The Problem: From the pages of Stephen King, Margaret White is certainly the worst mother any high school girl could have, even by the standards of most Christian Fundamentalists. Now puberty is tough for any teenage girl, but if your mother is the kind of scary religious nutjob Carrie has, then well, you might as just run away from home. Seems like Margaret really missed the memo that all little girls grow up and basically views anything a girl experiences during adolescence as sinful. This doesn’t help that she fervently believes that all sex is sinful even within marriage and has no problem abusing Carrie in the name of God, even if it means harming herself to get her to obey as well as quoting from Bible verses that don’t really exist. Have period in the showers? Tell her she started due to sinning and drag her kicking and screaming to a Christian effigy to beg forgiveness. Go on first date? Throw burning tea into Carrie’s face and tell her she’s dirty? And when Carrie makes her own prom dress, Margaret insist she burn it and pray for forgiveness because the color red is sinful. Also, zap her with telekinetic powers? Margaret will call you a witch, denounce you as Satan spawn, and try to kill you. Is it any wonder that Carrie goes nuts with her supernatural powers and blows up the school during prom?
6. Mrs. Bates

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From: Psycho
The Problem: Well, she’s technically dead by the time the movie begins, but let’s just say she and Norman had a very twisted relationship, which was in no way healthy for either of them. Of course, Mrs. Bates’ overbearing personality and verbal abuse took a great toll on Norman who became attached to her in a very unhealthy way (guess social isolation is at play). Not to mention, she filled his head with how evil and sinful other women are, which explains why he murdered Marion Crane in the shower (because he was sexually attracted to her). Still, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Mrs. Bates was murdered by her son when she got a boyfriend (out of fear he was being replaced). Yet, this doesn’t stop her from abusing Norman in his head from well beyond the grave or as the corpse hiding in the cellar that is. “A boy’s best friend is his mother” indeed.
7. Beth Jarrett

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From: Ordinary People
The Problem: When it comes to mourning a dead child, it can be especially tough for families. Yet, despite being played by Mary Tyler Moore, Beth is hardly a source of support for her surviving son Conrad after her favorite son Buck drowns during a boating accident. Now since Conrad was with his brother at the time, he’s understandably messed up to the point where he tries to kill himself. By the time the movie begins, he’s been released from a psychiatric hospital and has started attending therapy with Dr. Berger working to help him come out of the emotional shell he’s constructed. Conrad’s father Calvin tries to make his son happy and eventually sees Dr. Berger himself. Yet, Beth doesn’t and is still tied up with Buck who was always her favorite son but she’d rather deny her loss as well as maintain her composure and restore the family to it once was. In fact, instead of helping her son heal, she remains cold and unaffectionate. And it’s later found out, during the Christmas scenes that Beth never visited Conrad while he was in the hospital as well as would rather spend the holidays without him. Still, it comes to the point in which even Calvin is questioning whether Beth loved him or is incapable of loving anyone. In some ways, you wonder if Beth wishes that Conrad died in that boating accident instead, which really makes me cringe.
8. Rose-Ann D’Arcey

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From: A Patch of Blue
The Problem: Shelley Winters has made a career of playing bad mothers as well as women who’ve endured their share of abuse. Yet, she won a second Oscar for Supporting Actress by playing this monster of a mother who’d make Cinderella’s stepmother seem like June Cleaver in comparison. Sure Rose-Ann is a prostitute and an alcoholic who keeps her teenage blind daughter Selina in almost total social isolation that she has no friends and has never received an education. During the day, Selina just does housework and strings beads for supplemental income with her only pleasure of spending a day in the park if she’s lucky. Now Rose-Ann is just as demeaning as she’s abusive and selfish. She thinks nothing of her daughter’s welfare and sees no problem forcing her to follow in her footsteps. Yet, Rose-Ann was also responsible for throwing chemicals in Selina’s face in the first place while attempting to hit her husband (which left Selina blind yet Rose-Ann blames her). However, the worst thing about her is that when Selina was raped by one of her clients, an incident that forced Rose-Ann to rent a second room for her business. But what makes it really bad is that she blames her daughter for the trouble it caused her.
9. Mary Lee Johnston

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From: Precious
The Problem: Where do I begin? Of course, this is a role that earned Mo’Nique the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Now while Precious’ father is a real piece of shit who repeatedly raped and impregnated her twice as well as gave her AIDS, he’s not nearly as memorable as Mary. Of course, Mary is just as bad since with her abuse ranging from the physical to the emotional, “You’re a dummy, bitch! You will never know shit! Don’t nobody want you, don’t nobody need you!” As for Precious being raped by her father and having two kids to him, well, Mary just does nothing to protect her, blames her daughter for the lot, and refers her as, “the other woman.” And while Precious tries to make a better life for herself, she’s there to dash any and all hope. This isn’t a mother, but a straight up monster beyond all description.
10. Beverly R. Sutphin

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From: Serial Mom
The Problem: Unlike most of the mothers on this list, Beverly doesn’t really do anything terrible to her kids and seems like a standard 1950s suburban housewife on the surface. Yet, underneath the Stepford wife façade she’s a serial killer knocking off anyone who gets in her way, sometimes over the most trivial and perceived slights. Son’s math teacher berating your parenting as well as questions your son’s health and family life? Run him over with your car. Daughter gets stood up by her date for another girl? Kill him in the bathroom with a fire poker at the local flea market. Husband gets called away to treat a patient’s chronic toothache? Stab his wife with scissors you borrow from a neighbor and cause the air conditioner to fall on said patient. Local woman calls your son, “son of a psycho?” Follow her home and bludgeon her to death with a leg of lamb while singing along to the victim’s rented copy of Annie. Get caught by her neighbor? Chase him with your car, catch him at the local club, and set him aflame. Neighbor steals your parking space? Send a series of obscene phone calls. Wear white shoes after Labor Day? Follow victim to pay phone and fatally strike her on the head with a receiver. Now I guess she’s not setting a good example for her kids, isn’t she? Kind of makes Dexter seem like, “Father of the Year.” Movie based on an urban legend, by the way.
11. Jade
From: The Hangover
The Problem: Now I don’t think Jade being a stripper or prostitute in Las Vegas makes her a bad mother. After all, there are plenty of moms in the “adult” entertainment business who are just trying to provide for their kids. However, what puts her on the list is that she took her baby to work with her during a boozy night and left him in a hotel room with three drunken idiots and a tiger. Of course, what gets me is that this woman’s son was missing for hours yet, she seems to take her baby’s disappearance remarkably calm. I mean there’s nothing to suggest she called the police or appears the least worried about him when they meet her in her apartment. Oh, and she married one of the idiots as well and her baby wasn’t at the wedding. Seems like this boy’s guardian angel was working overtime if you ask me. Still, when a guy like Alan Garner (who certainly shouldn’t have kids) can keep a better watchful eye on a baby than his own mother, you can see why Jade belongs on the list.
12. Hattie Dorsett

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From: Sybil
The Problem: Sybil is a bespectacled substitute teacher who has 13 personalities. Understandably, this really creates a lot of difficulties in her life that she starts seeing a therapist to help sort things out. Turns out that these 13 personalities were the result of a terrible childhood under the care of her paranoid schizophrenic mother, Hattie. What Sibyl endured under her was unspeakable abuse (at least physical yet, nobody questioned what was going on despite the various injuries she sustained and this includes her father, grandmother, and even pediatrician). Nevertheless, though this movie may seem it was taken from some Lifetime Movie of the Week, but I’m sure this woman definitely belongs on this list. May even eat Precious’ mother for breakfast.
13. Eleanor Shaw Iselin

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From: The Manchurian Candidate
The Problem: Those who remember Angela Lansbury from voicing Mrs. Potts in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast would find that she didn’t always play charming grandmotherly types. In this one, she’s basically one of the cruelest and trippiest mothers in screen history. Despite being married to a close vegetable clone of Senator Joe McCarthy (alcoholic red-baiting bastard), Eleanor is actually a communist agent quietly working to overthrow the US government with her Manchurian Candidate (her John Bircher husband) and brainwashes her former Korean War POW son Raymond Shaw into becoming a political assassin and sleeper agent, subconsciously activated with a particular trigger (the Queen of Diamonds). Basically this brainwashing leads Raymond to kill his new wife and her father during the honeymoon. Oh, and let’s say that Raymond and Ellie’s relationship is more than of the familial variety (where they get a bed scene in the novel). Yet, I’m sure she’s justified since world domination is at stake. All in all, who’s mommy’s little assassin? Who’s mommy’s little assassin?
14. Olivia Foxworth

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Well, besides being played by the kind of woman you wouldn’t want near your bedside in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Olivia is perhaps the worst grandmother in all of fiction. For one, she disinherits her daughter over her marrying her half-uncle. Second, though she tells Corinne that she could stay and inherit a family fortune as long as she keeps hides her four kids in the attic. Third, Olivia uses her daughter’s incestuous marriage in the most religiously hypocritical way to starve, abuse, lie, blackmail, and dehumanize her grandchildren as well as commit outright murder among other things. And she sees these totally innocent products of incest as, “devil’s spawn.” Not to mention, while a lot of grandmothers are known for baking cookies, hers are laced with arsenic to slowly poison her grandkids. Oh, and when she puts the kiddies up in the attic, she basically says, “So that you understand me now, I will give you food and shelter, but never kindness or love. For it is impossible to feel anything but disgust for what is not wholesome.” Sheesh, thank God my grandmother’s nothing like that.
15. Mama Fratelli
From: The Goonies
The Problem: Anne Ramsey has made a career of playing ugly bad mothers from the 1980s and Mama Fratelli is no exception. Now this woman really is a terrible sight to behold. For one, she hates kids despite having 3 of them. Second, she raised them to be thugs, killers, and scumbags. Third, though she’s an abusive parent, her son Francis is obviously her favorite while her treatment of Sloth is utterly horrifying. I mean she dropped him on his head a few times as well as chained him to a wall. How unforgivable.
16. Violet Venable

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From: Suddenly, Last Summer
The Problem: Sure she’s played by Katharine Hepburn, but Mrs. Venable makes Eleanor of Aquitaine seem like a Madonna in comparison in this Tennessee Williams adaptation. And I mean she’s just, oh, where to begin? For one, she promises to fund the state hospital to build a new wing as long as brain surgeon Dr. John Curkowicz can perform a lobotomy on her niece Catherine. Now Catherine is already experiencing shock from what happened to Violet’s son Sebastian last summer during their disastrous European vacation that her memory’s a bit fuzzy. Oh, and did I say her aunt Violet committed her to a mental institution where she’s raped by one of the staff? And she’s also having her committed to the state mental hospital, too. Yet, once the film goes on, you realize Violet’s main reason for forcing a lobotomy on Catherine has more to do with wanting to hide the truth about the circumstances behind her son’s death (like cannibalism) as well as his sordid personal life (he was a flamingly light in the loafers, to put it lightly). Second, she also has Cathy’s mother and brother consent to the commitment and lobotomy just so they could receive a considerable inheritance from Sebastian’s will. Third, it’s very clear her feelings for Sebastian were more than just familial as well as idealizes him as “chaste” though we later find out he was anything but (for those trips to Europe weren’t just about just writing poetry. Still, doesn’t stop Violet from referring to her and Sebastian as a “couple”). Not to mention, another reason why Violet may want Cathy’s frontal brain removed may have something to do with her resentment toward her as well (mostly because Cathy could give Sebastian the boy toys and she can’t). Yes, this woman would use any means at her disposal to protect her son’s legacy even if it means ruining her niece’s life.
17. Mama Rose Hovick

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From: Gypsy
The Problem: As the stage mother of the legendary stripper Gypsy Rose Lee and actress June Havoc, Mama Rose is determined to make her two daughters stars and will stop at nothing to achieve her goal, even if she has to drag them all the way across the country to get them noticed. The acts are childish, innocent stage personae that they become unable to keep up as they grow older (and are becoming incredibly sick of). She’d also go as far as to give them multiple 10th birthday parties to trick them they were indefinitely 10 years old so she could milk them for all they were worth. What their daughters really want is their mother just to settle down with her boyfriend Herbie and have a normal life. Eventually their controlling mother’s attention becomes too much for June to bear that she gets married and runs away. And then she turns her attentions to Louise (Gypsy Rose at the time) yet by that time, Vaudeville children’s shows are basically a thing of the past. So seeing burlesque as the only way for Louise to be a star, Mama Rose makes her become a stripper. Gypsy Rose Lee becomes very successful as a result but she’s disgusted nonetheless. And yes, this woman was real as well as sets the criteria for your stereotypical stage mother.
18. Erica Sayers

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From: Black Swan
The Problem: Of course, even when she grows up, a daughter will always be her mother’s little girl. Unfortunately, for Nina Sayers, her mother seems to have taken this idea up to the extreme. I mean, considering she’s a ballerina, Nina is probably in her twenties (at most), yet she sleeps in a room designed for a six-year-old girl and her mom seems to treat her like one, too, (I mean she cuts her nails, dresses her, and puts mittens on her to so she won’t scratch herself). Oh, and it’s full of holes so Erica can spy on her, which is very creepy in itself. Still, I always think that Erica is one of those stage mothers who forces her daughter to live her dreams because she had the misfortune of having her ballerina career come to an abrupt end by getting knocked up. And she’s still quite bitter about it. Still, all her verbal abuse and psychological torture on Nina takes a heavy toll on her psyche and it’s very clear that she’s already quite mentally unstable, sexually repressed, and emotionally stunted by the time the movie starts. Not to mention, she harms herself and has an eating disorder. Oh, and did I tell you that Erica is sleeping in the same room Nina is masturbating in during one scene? And it gets far worse from there, especially with the fact she’s such a perfectionist and obsessed with making mama proud. Sort of makes Mama Rose seem normal.
19. Janine “Smurf” Cody

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From: Animal Kingdom
The Problem: When 17 year old Joshua Cody’s mom dies of a heroin overdose, he’s sent to live with his grandmother Janine, and uncles. Sure she seems affectionate enough, but that might be an act. Unfortunately, Janine is the matriarch of the Melbourne crime family that specializes in armed robbery with one uncle doing some drug dealing on the side as well as carries an utterly ruthless streak. Joshua’s uncles let him learn the ropes of the family business, yet this leads to his girlfriend Nicky getting killed by one of them, just to keep her silent. Joshua calls the cops which results in two of his uncles’ arrested and jailed. Now Janine tries to get her two remaining sons out of jail by basically arranging her grandson to be killed if he ever dares to testify. So by the end of the movie, she has two sons dead, one in a catatonic state, and a grandson utterly morally conflicted, corrupted, and devastated. Still, when it comes to crime matriarchs, she’s one of the most frightening. Also, may love her sons in a way that’s off-putting.
20. Lilly Dillon

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From: The Grifters
The Problem: While her old man played the dad from hell in Chinatown, Anjelica Huston takes as a veteran con woman who comes bursting into her estranged son Roy’s life with the violence and passion of an ex-lover. And let me tell you, Lilly and Roy have a very interesting relationship possibly akin to Oedipus Rex. Sure she had him at 14 and gave him up for adoption but you’d probably think their relationship should’ve ended there. Then again could she just be motivate by just plain hatred? Yet, by the end of the day, there’s nothing more important to Lilly than mama’s little boy, except maybe expanding mama’s little bank account. Yet, she always reminds her son that he’s not good enough for anything, even being a lousy crook. Still, this doesn’t stop her from trying to seduce him, slitting his throat, stealing all his money, and leaving him bleed to death.
21. Monica Swinton
From: A. I. Artificial Intelligence
The Problem: Now I know it’s hard when your kid falls into a coma. And I can see why any parent would want a “replacement” child even if it’s a robot. But even if your real kid is cured, there’s no excuse for any mother her to abandon her android kid in the woods who’s been “courting” to win her love. Now robot child or not, what Monica Swinton did was just cruel.
22. Corrine Dollaganger

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Sure the Dollagangers may seem like a perfect family from the outside. But when Chris is killed on the night of his 36th birthday and the Dollagangers find themselves in financial ruin, Corrine resolves to visit her childhood home Foxworth Hall, home of her old man who disinherited her over her marriage (to her uncle, no doubt). However, she’s so determined to win back the inheritance and get back into her family’s good graces that she’s willing to let her mother put her four kids in an attic for extra space to live and play until the old man croaks, where they’re locked in for years and endure all kinds of abuse. Of course, once Corrine gets a taste of the good life again floors below, she just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the kids and remarries. Also,tries to slowly poison her kids so she could get to her dad’s money faster through arsenic, which causes her younger son’s death. Somebody please call child services immediately for this woman belongs in jail. For God’s sake, why can’t this woman avoid all this devastation and just get herself a job? Would’ve made things a lot easier.
23. Gracie Stewart

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From: The Others
The Problem: Well, at first she seems like a devoted protector who shields her two light-sensitive children in an isolated Jersey mansion just after World War II. But is she ill or is she just manipulative? Some things just don’t add up right. Mr. Stewart went to war and never returned, servants keep leaving, and the house is full of ghosts. Also, as a devout Catholic, tells her kids stories about the undead in eternal limbo. It turns out that Gracie went crazy and killed her kids before offing herself so basically her children would never grow up, tragically. Still, might be a horror movie I’d want to watch since it got critical acclaim and doesn’t seem to fit in the slasher category.
24. Alex Goran

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From: Up in the Air
The Problem: I have absolutely no problem with working moms but I do have a problem with parents being away for days and cheating on their spouses (as well as leading their lovers on like attending a family wedding with them). Now we don’t know that she’s a mother until the end when downsizer Ryan Bingham goes to see her in Chicago, which just totally devastates him. But it really tells a lot about her as a person since we’ve seen her during most of the movie in her jet-setting corporate lifestyle and sleeping around with George Clooney. Now sleeping around in the corporate world is one thing, but spending most of your time engaging in a secret lifestyle on the road just makes Jack Lemmon’s bosses on The Apartment seem like shining beacons of fatherhood (though Alex would find good company among these assholes). And what makes it worse is how likeable she seems beforehand as if she’s the missing cog that would make Ryan’s life complete, but at least he was the one to find out. I expect a scene of her kids’ discovery of her activities almost unravel like that one scene with Biff finding Willy with his pants down in Death of a Salesman. Because even though Ryan was broken enough by what he saw, just imagine how devastated her kids would be if they saw their mom banging him. Nevertheless, Alex is a very selfish woman who puts her own immediate desires before her family’s or anyone else’s and basically deceives everybody in the process. I know double standards may be in play here (seeing that a lot of guys do the same thing like Willy Loman), but I just can’t see any reason not to include Alex Goran on the list.
25. Gladys Leeman

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From: Drop Dead Gorgeous
The Problem: Now there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or wanting the best for your child. And if there’s a way you can do this while correcting the mistakes you made in your life, then fine, but up to a point. However, Gladys is on the list for two things. For one, she enters her daughter in a child beauty pageant, which is already bad parenting for obvious reasons (well, it involves teens, but still it’s bad). Yet, you can let that slide since Gladys herself was once a beauty queen in a child pageant herself so that habit probably runs in the family. Second, Gladys is willing to have her little Rebecca win the pageant through any means necessary even if it means taking out the competition. And by “taking out the competition,” I mean bribing and hiring all the judges (of which Gladys happens to be head), having one of the contestants killed via exploding tractor, and attempting several other murders like blowing up a trailer and making a girl deaf by dropping a stage light on her. Sort of makes Toddlers & Tiaras seem like Sesame Street in comparison. And what’s worse, Rebecca is basically devoid of any real talent (basically serenading a Jesus on wheels with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”). If Rebecca had won, one only has to assume what kind of self-entitled bitch she’d turn out to be perhaps like Veruca Salt. Still, in her beauty pageants, the competition is deadly–literally.
26. Miranda Hillard
From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Sally Field has been known for playing great mothers like Mrs. Gump, Norma Rae, and the mom in Places of the Heart. Unfortunately, Miranda Hillard doesn’t really measure up to that since she hires a nanny to look after her three children. Now we all know it’s really her ex-husband in disguise but come on, she should’ve known (even if Daniel was a talented voice actor with a makeup artist brother). I mean she’s been married to him for at least over fifteen years (assuming the 14-year-old was conceived legitimately). Still, being unable to recognize your ex-husband through a guise of an old Scottish nanny is a clear case of negligence, which means she shouldn’t have been granted sole custody if she wasn’t willing to properly investigate someone she planned to hire to care for her children.
27. Alice Ecklund Ward

Melissa Leo in The Fighter
From: The Fighter
The Problem: This is the role that earned Melissa Leo the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, in which she dropped the f-bomb in her acceptance speech. Now Micky Ward spent a lifetime of battling dysfunctional family members as beefy boxers. And boxing ring stage mother Alice is no exception. A fierce creature in spandex, peroxide, and shiny red daggers for nails, she’s a vengeful goddess who wields her maternal power by expecting too much from one son and not enough from the other who’s a crack addict and a crook, no less. This leads to her son Micky to take a vicious beating in a mismanaged fight that could’ve ended his life, let alone career. Sure it can be hard for any mother to admit that she’s severely misjudged her own children (take Mildred Pierce, for example). But she takes this to Adam Trask levels and beyond, with worse results. Micky must’ve been a saint to put up with her as long as he did.
28. Ruth Dewitt Bukater
From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Now I know what she does is quite normal for a woman for 1912, but still, she’s a real piece of work. Sure she used to be very wealthy and has no skills or desire for work but that doesn’t mean anything. For one, she’s a completely selfish woman who expects her daughter Rose to fix all the family’s problems instead of doing what she wants. And this means marrying a guy filthy rich turd named Caledon Hockley who’s proposed to Rose and the wedding is imminent by the time of the voyage. Nevertheless, it’s very clear that Rose doesn’t want to marry this guy but sees no way out of the ordeal that she throws herself overboard. Still, Ruth cares nothing about what Rose wants from life and is so determined to be rich again that she’d sacrifice her daughter’s happiness for a silver spoon. Though I can understand her being against her daughter being involved with a homeless bum, I don’t see why Ruth can just marry Rose off to some other rich guy than Cal, at least one who doesn’t shoot people when the ship sinks. Thankfully, the iceberg puts a huge dent in the wedding plans.
29. Ma Jarrett

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From: White Heat
The Problem: Sure Arthur “Cody” Jarrett is a very violent and mentally unstable criminal and it’s understandable why almost everyone in his gang and even his own wife is afraid of him. Yet, despite his self-image as a tough leader of crime-loving thugs, you also have his intimidating mother “Ma” Jarrett who really runs things for the gang as she’s the only one who could keep him from going full sociopath as well as keep him sane. However, she’s also barking in Cody’s ear and encouraging him to commit all kinds of awful offenses (like killing his wife and the second-in-command who’s screwing her). Not to mention, she knows his dad died in a madhouse but does nothing to ensure Cody would end up the same way (well, he does go to prison but that’s not much better). Surely one of the nastiest old ladies in movie history as well as a mother who’d go to great lengths to protect her batshit crazy son with even less fear than he. It’s hard to tell which one is scarier. Sure Cody may be a complete psycho but I cringe when I see Ma Jarrett discover that “Big Ed” Somers and Verna aren’t just having an affair but also plan to kill Cody Jarrett as well. Is it any wonder she had to go?
30. Miss Havisham

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From: Great Expectations
The Problem: Charles Dickens was known to create relatively decent moms save this one. Yet, as far as adoptive mothers go, Miss Havisham is about the worst among them in film, second to only Joan Crawford. Now by the look of her, you can tell that Miss Havisham has never gotten over being left at the altar as a young bride. Sure she adopts an orphan girl named Estella in hopes to save her from a world of misery. But what she really wants is revenge and she’s not above stealing Estella’s heart and putting ice in its place to do it as well ruin her chances for a normal life. Yet, Estella isn’t the only one of her victims in her cruel and self-serving game of chess with a number of people’s lives in an effort to the aching gap in her own decrypted heart. Oh, Miss Havisham, why couldn’t you let Pip marry Estella? Also, maybe it’s time you need to get over being jilted on your wedding day, seriously. Nevertheless, Miss Havisham does see the error in her ways but she ends up a suicidal wreck in the process.

Bad Movie Fathers

I haven’t written a post for a while with the holidays, work, and the fact Christmas being over gives me a bit of a writer’s block on what posts to write next. Of course, part of the reason why I did a few posts on mythology last January is because I couldn’t think of anything else. And I really can’t think up much for New Years either. Still, growing up we’ve all had to put up with parents as well as their constant demands on us such as clean our rooms. And yes, they do embarrass us a lot as well. Now as far as fathers go, Hollywood has a wide range of them from complete and incompetent idiots to patriarchs that embody the moral virtues of society. However, this post doesn’t really focus on the great dads like Atticus Finch, Mufasa, Gru, or George Bailey nor the silly dads like Clark Griswold or Homer Simpson. Nor does it pertain to a lot of absentee fathers since they’re not around a lot and/or may not know they have kids. After all, that’s still possible. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a father who’s spend your childhood embarrassing you over the holidays or makes you do certain things like go on hunting and fishing trips, remember that at least you haven’t had to deal with these movie dads I list here. And let’s just say, I’ve also included stepfathers as well since they basically have to live with the kiddies, too. So without further adieu, here are some of the worst movie dads you can be glad aren’t yours.

1. Captain Vidal

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From: Pan’s Labyrinth
The Problem: If there’s any guy I’d nominate for the “Worst Dad Ever,” it would be him. Sure he’s only a stepfather, but I’m sure nobody in their right mind would want to have kids with him. Let’s just say that the best things about him are that he has a job he’s good at, is very personable and charismatic, is handsome, wants kids, and isn’t a pedophile. Yet, the list just ends there. Now Captain Vidal is probably one of the vilest characters I’ve ever seen on film. Vidal is a Fascist Captain in Spain who basically married to Ofelia’s mother, Carmen, just so she could provide him a son he wants so badly. And once the kid’s born, he’s basically the only person he basically cares about, well, in terms of survival, that is (after all, he has a legacy to preserve). From the moment we see Vidal, he comes off as an unpleasant man yet you might think he may have a softer side somewhere. Of course, he’s not too keen with Ofelia going on her fairy tale quests yet neither is her mother (then again, she might be afraid of him, too). Yet, this man shows his nastiness when a father and son poacher team is brought to him in the dead of night. Suspecting them rebels of the Franco regime, instead of searching their stuff (which would be sensible), Vidal just beats the son with a bottle and shoots them both in a mixture of boredom and pleasure. And while they’re found innocent later, Vidal just tells his men to be more careful next time. He also tortures a rebel with a horrible stutter later on, after cheerfully showing him his torture instruments and offering to let him go if he could count to three. He fails. Meanwhile it’s very clear that his wife is going through a particularly difficult pregnancy yet he shows no possible concern over her possible death in childbirth. Not only that, but when his wife’s doctor puts the stuttering torture victim out of his misery, Vidal shoots him in cold blood. This is the main reason why Carmen dies in childbirth. Oh, and when Ofelia tries to rescue her baby brother, Vidal basically shoots her dead. And for all his actions, he shows absolutely no remorse whatsoever. Forget the fantastical monsters, the scariest thing in this movie you’ll remember is this guy.
2. Rev. Harry Powell

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From: The Night of the Hunter
The Problem: Runner-up in the nominations for “Most Evil Stepfather Award” is perhaps Robert Mitchum’s best known character (well, one of them) in one of the scariest suspense-horror thrillers in history. Sure Powell may be a man of God, but let’s not kid ourselves, deep down he’s as evil incarnate as the Devil himself. Like Vidal, he’s quite handsome and charming (as well as a great singing voice). Still, while Vidal marries a woman to give him a son, he marries women for their money so he could get his hands on the cash when he kills them (he tells God this in the beginning, by the way. Also, hates women and thinks he’s doing God’s work). Of course, when he gets out of prison (after a conversation with a bank robber about to be executed on double homicide charges), Powell wastes no time wooing the guy’s widow Willa Harper just because he thinks her children know where the stolen money was hidden (he’s right). Yet, while he could charm almost everyone in town, it’s apparent that John sees right through him and doesn’t trust Powell at all. Sure John may put his real dad on the pedestal who basically fucked up his childhood and made him distrust cops, but compared to Powell, Ben Harper is basically a saint (and being a bank robber who killed two people, that’s saying a lot). However, Willa marries Powell anyway who not only won’t have sex with her and basically brainwashes her, which really makes life hell for her and her two children. When Willa overhears her husband asking the children for the money, he slits her throat, puts her in a car, and dumps her in the river. Then, to get the kids to tell him where the money is, he threatens to cut off John’s fingers, one by one, in front of the very young Pearl. And when he discovers the money in Pearl’s doll (this by threatening their lives), well, John basically grabs Pearl and makes a run for it up the river. Yet, Powell just ruthlessly pursues them with these children basically lucking out when they reach for Rachel Cooper’s place. Let’s just say that Robert Mitchum singing, “Leaning on the Everlasting Light” is guaranteed to send chills up your spine. Beware of preachers with the knuckle tattoos of “LOVE” and “HATE” on their hands.
3. Noah Cross

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From: Chinatown
The Problem: Finally, our first biological father on the list and played by none other than John Huston, one of the most legendary Hollywood film directors, father of Angelica and Danny, son of Walter, and grandfather of Jack who played Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire. I mean this guy has a lot of movies to his name as well as Hollywood relations. Still, in Huston’s final performance, he perhaps plays one of the vilest men onscreen as none other than charming tycoon, Noah Cross who only cares about accumulating as much money and power as possible. So to get support for his new reservoir project, he basically dumps thousands of gallons of water during an LA drought that basically dries up the San Fernando Valley. He also poison their wells and blows up water tanks to ruin the landowners’ property values so they could sell it to them cheap. Yet, when his son-in-law and Water Commissioner Hollis Mulrway refuses to go along with the plan since he thinks the valley is geologically unstable and doesn’t want to get 500 people killed (like what happened in the dam project), Noah still presses him. And when Hollis discovers his father-in-law’s crimes and conspiracy, Noah has him drowned in a tide pool. Now this alone could just put Noah on the list since it’s very clear that his daughter Evelyn and Hollis had rather happy marriage (well, he was a saint compared to her old man anyway. Then again, you can say that about anybody). However, the most disgusting thing Noah Cross committed was raping Evelyn when she was 15 years old, which traumatized her for life as well as resulted in another daughter, Katherine. Now his secondary goal in the film is taking possession of his “granddaughter” and subjecting her to the same abuse (and ultimately succeeds). Yet, despite all this, Cross says he doesn’t blame himself for his actions mostly out his beliefs that men are capable of anything under the right circumstances, ignorant that this is only true for men like him.
4. Darth Vader (a. k. a. Anakin Skywalker)

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From: The Star Wars Saga
The Problem: One of the most famous examples on this list. Darth Vader’s dark days of fatherhood begin long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he turns to the dark side and indirectly causes Padme Amidala’s childbirth death from a broken heart as well as their twins being separated from birth in the care of relatives and given up for adoption, which creates a really awkward situation later on (yes, Luke kissed his sister). Years later, he captures a rebel base with his daughter Princess Leia on it, blows up her planet and everything with it before her very eyes, and has her scheduled for execution. Luckily, his Imperial Stormtroopers didn’t find the droids they’re looking for though his son’s aunt and uncle are killed in the hunt. Later on, Vader has Leia captured again at the Cloud City planet as well as has her boyfriend frozen in carbonite and given to a bounty hunter for Jabba the Hutt. Oh, and he cuts off his son’s hand in a climatic lightsaber fight before revealing those earth shattering words, “No, Luke, I am your father” which makes Luke understandably horrified. Also, asks him to join in the family business or die. Sure he brings balance to the Force and overthrows Emperor Sidious just to save Luke’s life but still, his parenting seems to fit squarely on the Dark Side.
5. Daniel Hillard (a.k.a. Mrs. Doubtfire)

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From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Now I totally understand why any divorced dad would wish to spend more time with his kids, especially if he’s the non-custodial parent. However, applying to be their nanny while impersonating an elderly Scottish woman isn’t a good idea, even if he’s a great cook and keeps the place spotless. Seriously, the scene of seeing Mrs. Doubtfire in the bathroom was particularly disturbing. He also tries to destroy his ex-wife’s relationship with an old flame she just reconnected with. Though the movie paints him as a somewhat competent father, he could also seem like a creepily obsessed stalker. And in many ways, that kind of makes a seemingly light family comedy appear secretly terrifying.
6. Dad Meiks

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From: Frailty
The Problem: As far as religious nuts go, while you may debate about Rev. Powell’s possible devotion to the Almighty as sincere or not, Dad Meiks basically has a religious experience which drives him to go on a killing spree with his sons and plunging his family into turmoil. While one son totally buys into his dad’s bullshit, the other is torn between his dad and thinking the guy is nuts as well as thinks his dad and brother are killing innocent people. So when your dad comes to you one morning and tells you and your brother that they’re soldiers in a heavenly war and charged with destroying demons on earth, you might want to get him institutionalized, if not jailed. Also imprisons his son in a hole.
7. Victor Frankenstein

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From: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
The Problem: So you managed to create life from a collection of dead body parts, which means you’ll certainly be seen as a great scientific genius for generations. The bad news is that moments after observing the giant flailing, patchwork son, stronger and larger than most human beings, Frankenstein decides he’s a monster and abandons him by high tailing to his family estate. Sure Victor might’ve been a bit too unprepared for parenthood but still, experiment or not, the Creature is his kid who needs love and acceptance by the man who created him, which he doesn’t get. Also, has no idea of how to take responsibility of his Creation either, which also leads to unfortunate implications. Of course, this leads the Creature to become a twisted victim of circumstance as well as do horrible things and in lose everyone Victor ever loved (like his brother, fiancée, parents, best friend, etc.). It doesn’t help that everyone in town is understandably afraid the Creature, which really would’ve been averted if Victor just gave him a little love and affection he desperately wanted. Instead he vows to track him down and take revenge (as well as destroys the body of the Creature’s potential love interest). Maybe we shouldn’t label his Creation Frankenstein’s Monster, shall we?
8. Colonel Frank Fitts USMC

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: As played by Chris Cooper, this man is perhaps one of the most twisted fathers in movie history. Not only is he a self-hating homophobe, right-wing military type, and collector of Nazi memorabilia, he’s also incredibly verbally and physically abusive to his son Ricky. Whenever he’s not making homophobic comments like, “I’d rather you were dead, than be a fucking faggot!,” he’s beating the living shit out of him so he could raise him in his own image, has him committed to an institution for a couple years, and has him take drug tests regularly. Of course, you can easily see why poor Ricky has turned into such a creep who deals pot and stalks his neighbor Jane Burnham. And Frank tends to have a crush on Jane’s dad whom he shoots in the garage after Leslie rejects his advances.
9. Dwight Hansen

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From: This Boy’s Life
The Problem: Another stepfather on the list and played by Academy Award winner Robert DeNiro. However, out of the bad dads here, he’s the real life expy dad for once and boy, is he a force to be reckoned with. At first he seems respectable at least in the eyes of the eccentric Caroline Wolff who thinks she’s had it made with him since she always wants to settle down and find a decent man as well as provide a better home for herself and son Toby (Leonard DiCaprio). And it does seem that Dwight has an interest in raising Toby as his kid since he has children of his own. Unfortunately, he has a need to dominate everyone in his life, even if it’s through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Unsurprisingly, Dwight’s marriage to Caroline leads to several years of family dysfunction, which doesn’t go well for Toby. No wonder he wants to get out of Concrete. Still, the fact that some of Robert DeNiro played gangsters much more loveable than this guy really speaks volumes about him especially when he says, “Yeah, you pull that hot shot stuff around me, and I’ll break every bone in your goddamn body. You understand me? Yeah, you’re in for a change, mister, a whole ‘nother ball game.”
10. Humbert Humbert
From: Lolita
The Problem: For those not familiar with this famous work of literature, Humbert Humbert is a professor who moves into a house as a boarder to a Charlotte Haze, charms her with his eruditeness, and marries her. Of course, if you aren’t familiar with the story itself or pop culture, Humbert Humbert is a pedophile who has an obsession with pre-teen girls he refers to as nymphets. And the girl that has caught his eye here is Charlotte’s daughter Dolores or “Lolita” as we’re more familiar with. Now as long as Charlotte is in the picture, there’s not much H. H. can do other than detail his obsession with Lolita in his diary which his sex starved wife discovers and is understandably horrified. Yet, when Charlotte dies in a traffic accident, H. H. basically kidnaps and molests her which results in her childhood being utterly destroyed and her story never being heard. Also has a habit of hitting Lolita when she fails to please him sexually or otherwise. And the worst part is, he’s not the only one abusing her either.
11. Lucas Cross
From: Peyton Place
The Problem: Basically, this is a man who works as a school janitor and stepdad who should never be around children, or at least teenage girls. For one, he’s an alcoholic. Second and more importantly, it’s very apparent that his step children hate him and for good reason. The older brother basically skips town just to avoid him and Selena can’t stand being alone with him for fear that he’s making advances to her. And that one night she returns from the graduation dance with her boyfriend, Lucas rapes her. Now impregnated, Selena understandably seeks an abortion (which is illegal) but once Dr. Swain sees Lucas chasing her in revenge, he relents but has him sign a statement and instructs him to skip town. Not to mention, this also drives Lucas’ wife to hang herself in the Mackenzies’ closet. Nevertheless, Lucas returns to Peyton Place and tries to rape Selena again but she kills him and is subsequently arrested for his murder. If it weren’t for Dr. Swain coming to Selena’s defense (as well as giving her an abortion, though I doubt that a fall would’ve caused her to miscarry), Lucas would’ve succeeded in ruining his stepdaughter’s life.
12. Bill Maplewood

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From: Happiness
The Problem: Now this guy may seem like a perfectly normal and well-adjusted guy you’d be totally fine with coaching your son’s baseball team. He’s just a man in suburbia with a loving wife and a devoted son so totally okay? We see him masturbating to images of young boys in magazines similar to Tiger Beat and convincing his son to invite his friend over for a sleepover. He then proceeds to drug the boys’ snacks and has sex with his son’s friend. Also, fantasizes shooting and killing people as well. What’s even worse is this guy is very much content with being who he is and is willing to describe all the crimes he committed to his son in graphic detail. Maybe this guy should be on a sex offenders list, instead of coaching Little League. Yeah, guaranteed to give you the creeps.
13. Ed Wilson
From: Natural Born Killers
The Problem: If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield character in which he deserves no respect, then Ed Wilson is it. Sure a father might find it difficult letting his little girl go but his is taking it beyond the pale as well as complete scumbag who beats up his wife and sexually abuses his own daughter, Mallory when she’s clean and once the liquor haze has worn off and he’s looking for lovin.’ With a man so repugnant and so utterly lacking in the basic courtesies that you wonder how he’s managed to live so long without being stabbed, you can understand why Mallory hooked up with confirmed serial killer and decided to accompany him on a killing spree. Let’s just say, no tears were shed by audiences when mass-murderer Mickey Knox drown him in the family fish tank. Of course, that action makes Mickey seem like a hero. Of course, while his fate was very much deserved, the others weren’t.
14. Jerry Blake

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From: The Stepfather
The Problem: Basically this guy is a bluebeard serial killer as well as a disciple of the Rev. Harry Powell’s Guide to Love and Murder. Yet unlike the legendary Robert Mitchum villain, he’s obsessed with being a part of the perfect family, to such an extent that if his current family doesn’t live up to his expectations (or finds out), he kills them, absorbs their assets, and moves on to another. It’s no wonder that rich single moms tend to be a prime target for him. Still, avoid the man who thinks the knife is the best solution for any family problems. Still, a rather cheerful individual until he gets angry, then it’s just “Mack the Knife” from there (and I don’t mean the song Bobby Darin sang).
15. Royal Tenenbaum

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From: The Royal Tenenbaums
The Problem: Royal Tenenbaum may have great genes to produce a brood of geniuses but he’s still a failure as a father. He singles one son out as an obvious favorite, introduces his adopted daughter as his “adopted daughter,” as well as steals from, intentionally shoots, and gets sued by his other son. Not to mention, pushing his kids to greatness but he’s still disappointed in them. And to top it all off, he fakes having stomach cancer just so he could gain his kids’ sympathy and access to the family home. Oh, and he also tries to win back his ex-wife despite the fact that she’s with another man. Sure he may be redeemed by the end but his kids are still screwed up and it’s pretty much his fault.
16. Dan Gallagher

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From: Fatal Attraction
The Problem: When it comes to adultery, it takes two to tango. Yet, when Dan cheats on his wife with Alex Forrest and casts her aside, he risks putting his family in extreme danger since Alex doesn’t take rejection too well, to put it mildly. Now if Dan had just kept it in his pants while his wife and daughter were away, there would be no crazy ex-mistress stalking him, boiling his daughter’s bunny, kidnapping his daughter from her school, and trying to kill his wife. Remember guys, this is why adultery is bad.
17. Peter McAllister
From: Home Alone 1 and 2
The Problem: Sure both the McAllisters aren’t great parents when it comes to their son Kevin. Of course, they both often ignore him enough that they leave him home alone during the Christmas holidays. But when Kevin’s abandoned during Christmas, it’s usually Kate who does everything humanly possible to get to him, even if it’s traveling on the road with John Candy and his band. Peter, on the other hand, seems keener to watch It’s a Wonderful Life than search for his son as well as seems so nonchalant about the whole ordeal. Okay, so he has a lot of kids to keep an eye on. But some of them are teenagers and plus, his uncle and aunt live under the same roof as well. So it’s not like he’s desperate for a babysitter here.
18. Lester Burnham

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: Of course, Frank Fitts isn’t the only bad father from American Beauty. The other is of course, Leslie Burnham himself, a role which earned Kevin Spacey a second Oscar. Sure he’s a selfish hedonist who feels trapped in his dull suburban life and unhappy marriage with his real estate agent wife Carolyn. Yet, even so, he should at least have some decency to at least be a bit ashamed with his crush on his daughter Jane’s friend Angela. But, no, he just starts out a workout regimen in an attempt to seduce her. This understandably creates a rift between him and Jane as well as leads to her take someone up on an offer to kill him as he begins to withdraw from her. Too bad he can’t patch things up with her by the end though (for obvious reasons). At least Ricky’s pot may slow him down a bit.
19. Denethor

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From: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
The Problem: Even the ruling families on Middle Earth can have their problems and the Steward of Gondor’s is no exception. However, you have to feel bad for Faramir here. For one, by the time we meet them both, Denethor is already grieving from losing his favorite son and heir Boromir, basically making Faramir live in his older brother’s shadow. And if that weren’t enough he sends his son and some of the best fighters of Gondor into a battle he’d surely not just lose, but possibly perish. Yet, when Faramir returns barely alive, Denethor assumes he’s dead (despite Pippin’s repeated insistence that he’s not) as well as proceeds to put him on a stack of firewood, douse with oil, and burn him alive. Thanks to Pippin being there, at least Faramir was saved and able to seek the medical treatment he needed to fully recover and marry Eowyn (also from a dysfunctional royal family, at first). Yet, I’m sure having your dad burn you alive will put you in a lifetime of therapy or whatever equivalent they have on Middle Earth.
20. Glen Whitehouse
From: Affliction
The Problem: This role gave James Coburn an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Now with the baby boomers aging and people living longer than ever before, it’s very likely you’ll have to take care of an aging parent, especially if you’re a woman or live nearby (my dad took care of my Grandma C when I was little and my parents are running errands for my mother’s folks who live down the road from me). However, if your aging father was an abusive alcoholic, let’s say attempting a reconciliation with him will be very difficult to say the least. Yet, this is what Glenn’s son Wade tries to do. However, it was his relationship with Glenn that has infiltrated every relationship he’s ever had and acts as the lens from which he views and judges the world. Because of his dad, Wade respects some people as a pupil would to a master or he hates them and violently lashes out at them for disappointing him in holding his preconceived “high assessments” of him. Not to mention, Wade is very unstable, has a drinking problem, inability to control his anger, and a morally low view on himself. Let’s just say that Glenn’s bad parenting has really influenced how much of a bastard Wade turned out, to put it mildly.
21. Bob Ewell

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From: To Kill a Mockingbird
The Problem: While this movie is famous for featuring Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, who basically embodies practically everything a man should be (in my opinion), you can’t leave out Bob Ewell, who’s one of the most terrible dads ever. Sure he’s a racist and impoverished hick but you can say the same about a lot of the townspeople who at least try to be responsible for their families. Ewell doesn’t seem to have the least concern for his kids and doesn’t even send them to school (they only come the first day and leave), which suggests that some form of neglect or social isolation is at play (explaining why Mayella has no friends). And it’s apparent that Ewell at least physically and emotionally abuses her more than any of his other kids. He makes his daughter’s life a complete hell and leaves her desperate for friends so it’s no surprise that she develops feelings for a black man who felt sorry for her. When Ewell saw his daughter make advances to an unwilling Tom, he beats her up and gets Robinson arrested on rape charges. Now we all know that Atticus Finch points out that Tom Robinson is incapable of laying a finger on Mayella because all her bruises indicate she was struck by someone left-handed (like Bob Ewell). And Robinson can’t use his left hand due to a childhood accident. Yet, Robinson gets convicted by an all-white-jury anyway due to racism. However, outraged at Atticus making him look like a fool, he stalks Robinson’s wife and goes after the Finch kids in the dead of night in revenge. Thank God, Boo Radley stabbed him in the end.
22. Adam Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Now Adam Trask isn’t the worst father on the list or a terrible parent at that. After all, he did raise his twin sons while his wife Kate just disappeared without a trace before turning up in Salinas as a brothel owner. Still, he’s on the list for one thing: excessive favoritism which really hurts both his sons’ well-being if you think about it. Now in the movie, it’s said that Aron is the good son while Cal is the bad son. Except that when you really get to know Cal, it’s really not the case (and may even be the opposite). Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop Adam from emotionally abusing him behind a guise of religious hypocrisy or at least refusing to acknowledge his worth as a person. Sure Cal may be a troublemaker but he’s a smart guy who craves for fatherly love and affection as well as sets up a bean growing enterprise to save his family farm after Adam’s disaster with the cabbages. Yet, no matter what Cal does for his dad, Adam always seems to see him as nothing but a piece of shit who’d never amount to anything while he sees Aron as almost incapable of anything bad. Adam’s conduct to his sons at the birthday party scene just appalls me, especially when he praises Aron for getting “engaged” to Abra (despite not proposing to her first) while basically deriding Cal for war profiteering even though he did practically everything he could to save his ass. And to make matters worse, Adam has lied to his twin boys all their lives about their mother being in heaven. This drives Aron in shock that he gets drunk and joins the army when he finds out the truth about Kate. Sure you might blame it on Cal, but if Adam hadn’t lied to them or put him on a pedestal, Aron probably would’ve been better able to handle it.
23. Thomas Jefferson

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From: Jefferson in Paris
The Problem: I know he’s a Founding Father, US president, and wrote the Declaration of Independence. However, as a parent, he didn’t treat his children equally as well as discriminated them on the basis of color. Sure his two surviving daughters by his dead wife might get the best education a Virginia plantation upbringing can offer them. Yet, we need to accept that Jefferson was a slave owner who fathered children with his slave, Sally Hemings (the first when she was 15 years old). Now while Jefferson did eventually free most of Hemings’ children (and his daughter freed Hemings), this doesn’t disprove the fact that Jefferson spent most of these kids’ early lives treating them like his property as well as viewed them socially inferior to his white children (the former might not be absolutely true but the latter was). Makes him kind of a hypocrite if you really think about it. Still, the concept of planters fathering children with slaves was a very common practice (since it explains the fact most African Americans have at least one white ancestor. Any time Henry Louis Gates does an African American’s genealogy, this always comes up).
24. Kevin Flynn

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From: TRON: Legacy
The Problem: I don’t know about you, but I think this guy makes the dad in “Cats in the Cradle” seem like the dad in “Watching Scotty Grow.” Sure the guy is the CEO of a video game company and does his work in the game world. However, unlike most guys in the video game industry, Kevin abandoned his wife and son for twenty years just to be in a world of his own creation. Then one day, he sends his son a mysterious message from out of the blue telling him to go into the Grid. This, to get him out of a jam. I know that Sam kind of puts his dad on a pedestal and understands his dad’s obligation to the virtual world. But still, I don’t think disappearing into a virtual world for twenty years while having a wife and kid at home is a great example of responsible parenting to say the least. In fact, I’d either take Flynn as a workaholic or just plain selfish.
25. Harry Wormwood

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From: Matilda
The Problem: Of course, you have to hand it to Roald Dahl to create some of the worst parents in children’s literature, especially in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now Harry fits to the stereotype of used car salesman to a tee and has a personality of one to boot. Of course, being a couch potato who doesn’t have any books in his house, he’s pretty horrible to his precocious daughter Matilda whom he ignores for much of her young life. That is, before packing her off to the elementary school of hell (you know, the one with Principal Trunchbull and the “chokey”), but has no qualms about the school’s disciplinary measures there (even though he should). And if that wasn’t bad enough, he jumps at the chance of disowning Matilda altogether when her kindhearted teacher offers to take her off his hands. Sure it’s a better life, but still pretty brutal that he does it without bearing a second thought.
26. Mr. Perry

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From: Dead Poets Society
The Problem: Now there are plenty of fathers in movies who may disagree with their children’s chosen path in life, particularly if it contrast to the profession they’d want their kids to be. Yet, at least most of these dads come to accept their kid’s ambitions like in October Sky or Billy Elliot. Mr. Perry isn’t one of these dads. Played by Red Foreman from That 70s Show, Mr. Perry is domineering and controlling parent who’d want nothing more than to see his son Neil go to medical school and become a doctor (which he’s willing to do and gets straight A’s). He doesn’t care what Neil wants for himself and shows absolutely no interest in what he wants to do with his life. So when he sees Neil as Puck in a local production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, you’d think Mr. Perry would finally see that his son has talent and would finally support Neil’s acting dream. Yet, this isn’t what Mr. Perry does. Instead, he goes utterly ballistic and has Neil transferred to military school. However, Neil kills himself before he could be shipped out. Now it’s very clear that Mr. Perry’s crushing Neil’s dreams and emotional abuse were what led to his son’s suicide. But, he certainly doesn’t try to consider the idea and blames his son’s death on his teacher Mr. Keating. This gets Keating fired. Bastard. Would it be any trouble for him if he’d just let Neil do community theater? Worked out for Graham Chapman.
27. Richard Detmer
From: Chronicle
The Problem: Andrew Detmer doesn’t have a great life at home or at school. He’s bullied at school, his mother’s dying of cancer, his home is a dump, his family is struggling and his dad is basically a drunk who uses him as punching bag to take out all his family’s frustrations. Yet, it doesn’t seem that Richard does anything to relieve his family’s financial stress or get his wife the treatment she needs. And in fact, despite deeply caring for his wife, he’s basically the sole reason why she can’t get any treatment since most of the money coming into the house tends to go to his booze. Yet, Richard doesn’t seem to realize that he has a drinking problem and blames everything on his son. He calls Andrew selfish for keeping an expensive camera (which his cousin gave him as a gift) as well as ransacks his room. And when his wife dies, Richard blames Andrew for it as well. For having a father like that, it’s no surprise Andrew’s superpowers became so destructive as they did.
28. Wayne Szalinski

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From: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, and Honey We Shrunk Ourselves
The Problem: While many mad scientist parents can be quite terrible parents, yet Wayne has no problem with loving his children. However, he’s on this list for a reason and that is because he’s such a careless buffoon with his inventions around the house. I mean having an electromagnetic shrink ray in his attic while leaving the door unlocked basically puts his and the neighbors’ kids fighting for their lives when they accidentally wander in it and afterwards, have to band together to survive. And that doesn’t even mention unwittingly throwing the kids in the trash, having them fend for themselves against insects, a lawnmower, a cat, and a lawn sprinkler system, and having one of them almost get eaten in the cereal. Any sane person living nearby would call child services. Of course, even when he tries to make things right again, he somehow blows up his baby in one of the sequels.
29. Lt. Col. Wilbur ‘Bull’ Meechum, USMC

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From: The Great Santini
The Problem: Now my father is a former military brat (since he was born in Germany and spent some time in New Mexico), but the only way his father ran his family like a military camp was have them “confined to quarters” if he or his brother did anything bad (as far as I’ve heard from him). This guy, kind of goes beyond that. Sure he may be seen as a great Marine flying ace but he’s also an alcoholic and a failure as a dad. He’s fairly abusive to his teenage basketball star son Ben, whom he derides with, “Hey, hey, mama’s boy! Bet’cher gonna cry. Gonna cry? Let’s see you cry. Cry, sport, cry.” He has no idea how to be supportive and would rather be competitive and hold his son back even if it means humiliating him through unnecessary physical tactics. Oh, and gets his son ejected by telling him to get even with a boy from the other team. Not the kind of parent you’d want to see at your kids’ sporting events.
30. Allie Fox

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From: The Mosquito Coast
The Problem: If your dad forced you and his family to move to a faraway place, at least he didn’t say that America has perished in a nuclear holocaust and drag your family to the jungles of Belize to build a refrigeration machine so his talents can be appreciated. Yes, Allie Fox justifies the move saying that most people in the developed world have refrigerators and air conditioners. But as an engineer specializing in refrigeration technology, he doesn’t seem to respect the joy that these appliances eventually get old and break down (like any other thing you buy) and that Americans will always be hungry for the next big breakthrough in technology, which created a type of consumerism that made Steve Jobs a national treasure. But, no, being the Steve Jobs of refrigeration isn’t enough for Allie so he has to pack up his family to the Central American rainforests and attempt to construct a utopian society. And the guy cares much more for his unrealistic and ultimately doomed utopia that he manipulates his family with lies about the US being destroyed by nuclear war so he could force them to live in his unhealthy and unrealistic do-it-yourself survivalist fantasy. Unsurprisingly, his megalomania puts his family in extreme danger. Next time your dad forces you to go on a weekend camping trip, be glad he’s not this guy.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories

Here's a picture of me with my sister and cousins at my grandparents' house during Christmas of 1994. Here I am pictured between my cousins Frank and John while my sister Molly is seated near my cousins Kerry Ann and Josh.

Here’s a picture of me with my sister and cousins at my grandparents’ house during Christmas of 1994. Here I am pictured between my cousins Frank and John while my sister Molly is seated near my cousins Kerry Ann and Josh. Thank God, my parents got rid of that big ugly couch.

Of course, my family gets a lot of photos from family and friends around this time of year. And I’m sure that Christmas is a time of year when people usually take pictures because they want to treasure the moment forever. These could range from pictures on a Christmas card to send to your relatives, pictures for the album, or others. However, while some pictures make nice keepsakes as well as great mementos you’d want to treasure forever, others make you want to scratch your head and ask, “What the hell were they thinking?” And while some tend to do pictures in the traditional style, others may opt for costume. Here are some photos from families who willing post these moments of Christmas awkwardness I found at a website called Awkward Family Photos. So without further adieu, I give you a treasury of family photographs that might depict moments more embarrassing than the ones your family has.

1. Nothing says Christmas than embarrassing your child in utero dressed up as a pregnant yuletide stripper.

I'm sure whenever this woman's child sees this picture, he or she's going blush in deep embarrassment and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Still, I don't think these kinds of photos are a great idea. An expectant mother has a whole life ahead of her to embarrass her child.

I’m sure whenever this woman’s child sees this picture, he or she’s going blush in deep embarrassment and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Still, I don’t think these kinds of photos are a great idea. An expectant mother has a whole life ahead of her to embarrass her child.

2. Looks like Dad has had a little accident while putting up the lights.

Okay, now I understand why my dad doesn't put up Christmas lights. Also, kids, can't you just help your daddy and hold up the ladder? I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Okay, now I understand why my dad doesn’t put up Christmas lights. Also, kids, can’t you just help your daddy and hold up the ladder? I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.

3. “….a fairy princess Barbie, an Easy Bake Oven, a My Little Pony Stable set, and let’s see….”

Looks like Santa Claus has stopped listening to that girl a long time ago. I mean he's basically dreaming of a white Christmas at this point.

Looks like Santa Claus has stopped listening to that girl a long time ago. I mean he’s basically dreaming of a white Christmas at this point.

4. Seems like Dad forgot to put on his pajamas for the Christmas morning photo.

"I didn't wear the pajamas because I don't sleep in pajamas. I sleep in my underwear like this." Of course, who'd want to send this picture in a Christmas card? Seriously, I'm sure nobody wants to see the dad's man boobs here.

“I didn’t wear the pajamas because I don’t sleep in pajamas. I sleep in my underwear like this.” Of course, who’d want to send this picture in a Christmas card? Seriously, I’m sure nobody wants to see the dad’s man boobs here.

5. I’m dreaming of a goth punk Christmas.

Santa Claus: "Great, now I have to pose in this photo with these metal fan kids and their kids. I need a vacation." Love Santa's expression in this.

Santa Claus: “Great, now I have to pose in this photo with these metal fan kids and their kids. I need a vacation.” Love Santa’s expression in this.

6. Looks like somebody doesn’t want to smile for the camera.

Rebellious children, sometimes hating your parents gets started when they're young. Of course, I'm surprised it isn't the daughter in the kimono like dress that seems to be made from a shower curtain.

Rebellious children, sometimes hating your parents gets started when they’re young. Of course, I’m surprised it isn’t the daughter in the kimono like dress that seems to be made from a shower curtain.

7. Hello, kiddies, and welcome to Santa Claus’ house of horrors.

Never has going to Santa land seem oh, so horrifying, but I'm sure the kid's not scared. Still, what the hell is the Easter Bunny doing here? Also, what's with the clown?

Never has going to Santa land seem oh, so horrifying, but I’m sure the kid’s not scared. Still, what the hell is the Easter Bunny doing here? Also, what’s with the clown?

8. Greetings, and happy holidays from the future.

So I guess this is what the crew members from the Enterprise receive from their relatives around the Christmas season. I would think this one came from LaForge's family but he's black and probably not married.

So I guess this is what the crew members from the Enterprise receive from their relatives around the Christmas season. I would think this one came from LaForge’s family but he’s black and probably not married. Then again, maybe he was adopted.

9. Smile for the camera, boys, I’m sure your friends won’t laugh at you being in Christmas themed garbage bags.

Now while Jake is certainly reveling in the Christmas spirit with a bow on his head, I'm sure Tony is trying to disguise his embarrassment and hope nobody at school finds out.

Now while Jake is certainly reveling in the Christmas spirit with a bow on his head, I’m sure Tony is trying to disguise his embarrassment and hope nobody at school finds out.

10. Merry Christmas from the pajama brigade.

Now I wonder who's idea it was for everyone to be photographed wearing the same set of ugly pajamas. Not to mention, what the hell is the Timberland boots doing here?

Now I wonder who’s idea it was for everyone to be photographed wearing the same set of ugly pajamas. Not to mention, what the hell is the Timberland boots doing here?

11. Merry Christmas, from the Village of the Damned.

I'm sure the younger one is less than a year old but she seems to have murder on the mind. I'm not sure about the older boy though.

I’m sure the younger one is less than a year old but she seems to have murder on the mind. I’m not sure about the older boy though.

12. Merry Christmas from outer space.

This would be the perfect way to embarrass a NASA astronaut during the Christmas season. Also, what the hell do astronauts have to do with Christmas anyway?

This would be the perfect way to embarrass a NASA astronaut during the Christmas season. Also, what the hell do astronauts have to do with Christmas anyway? Then again, they probably thought it would be awesome but didn’t think it through.

13. Since they knew it was going to be Doris’ last Christmas, they decided to do the Last Supper.

Wait a minute, doesn't the Last Supper pertain to the moment of Jesus celebrating Passover right before he's about to be crucified? Seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas.

Wait a minute, doesn’t the Last Supper pertain to the moment of Jesus celebrating Passover right before he’s about to be crucified? Seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas.

14. This Christmas, we’ll do a live nativity scene.

Well, maybe not quite a family nativity scene but I'm sure they didn't have safari hats or bright blue robes in Palestine during the Roman Empire.

Well, maybe not quite a family nativity scene but I’m sure they didn’t have safari hats or bright blue robes in Palestine during the Roman Empire.

15. Merry Christmas, from your nightmares.

I'm sure the dripping paint from "Merry Christmas" doesn't seem to bring in the holiday cheer. Also, the mom seems to resemble Tim Curry's character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I’m sure the dripping paint from “Merry Christmas” doesn’t seem to bring in the holiday cheer. Also, the mom seems to resemble Tim Curry’s character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

16. Don’t have antlers? I’m sure bunny ears will do just fine.

Actually, maybe this family should've stuck with reindeer antlers. Bunny ears either reminds me too much of Easter or Playboy.

Actually, maybe this family should’ve stuck with reindeer antlers. Bunny ears either reminds me too much of Easter or Playboy.

17. Dad was always known to give every one of us a lift.

Yet, I sure hope the "lift" part was in the figurative sense. Still, how did this guy ever get a hold of such machinery?

Yet, I sure hope the “lift” part was in the figurative sense. Still, how did this guy ever get a hold of such machinery?

18. Now this photo is so adorable.

Soon little Nellie will have her revenge once the adults leave the premises. Julie will pay for what she did to Nellie's poor baby doll. Oh, yes, she will.

Soon little Nellie will have her revenge once the adults leave the premises. Julie will pay for what she did to Nellie’s poor baby doll. Oh, yes, she will.

19. “Sorry, Kitty, but these are my Christmas presents, not yours.”

Man, some kids just don't know how to share the spotlight. Then again, other kids must not care as much. Still, sibling rivalries do start out young, do they?

Man, some kids just don’t know how to share the spotlight. Then again, other kids must not care as much. Still, sibling rivalries do start out young, do they?

20. Merry Christmas from the Philip Morrises.

Now I'm sure this family isn't setting a great example. Of course, those kids will soon die young in the hospital with their lungs all full of tar.

Now I’m sure this family isn’t setting a great example. Of course, those kids will soon die young in the hospital with their lungs all full of tar.

21. Nothing says Christmas like a swimsuit portrait.

I especially feel bad for the boy who seems to have to wear a speedo. Man, I don’t know about you but swimsuits don’t seem to have anything to do with Christmas for me.

22. “A toilet seat, oh, you shouldn’t have.”

Nothing makes a grandfather feel old than getting a new toilet seat for Christmas. Still, pretty funny though.

Nothing makes a grandfather feel old than getting a new toilet seat for Christmas. Still, pretty funny though.

23. “For this Festivus night, I challenge Carly for the Feats of Strength”

Boy, Carly is going to have a very hard time pinning her dad for this year's Festivus. Also, I'm sure this picture was taken way before 1997.

Boy, Carly is going to have a very hard time pinning her dad for this year’s Festivus. Also, I’m sure this picture was taken way before 1997.

24. “Well, I thought the photo was a good idea at the time.”

Looks like somebody really doesn't want to get her picture taken. "Look away from the light, I tell you. Look away from the light." Still, family doesn't seem like an enthusiastic bunch.

Looks like somebody really doesn’t want to get her picture taken. “Look away from the light, I tell you. Look away from the light.” Still, family doesn’t seem like an enthusiastic bunch.

25. You know you’re a redneck if you use a photo like this on your Christmas card.

Then again, I think many rednecks might find it very offensive if you really think about it. Still, you have to admire how this couple recycles beer packaging and cigarette cartons. Also, pregnancy is a great time to quit smoking, seriously.

Then again, I think many rednecks might find it very offensive if you really think about it. Still, you have to admire how this couple recycles beer packaging and cigarette cartons. Also, pregnancy is a great time to quit smoking, seriously.

26. For this years Christmas card photo, let’s dress up like a Christmas tree.

Seems like everyone here's in the Christmas spirit save Leslie in the lower left corner who thought this photo op was a stupid idea from the get go.

Seems like everyone here’s in the Christmas spirit save Leslie in the lower left corner who thought this photo op was a stupid idea from the get go.

27. Seems like Susie couldn’t hold her excitement or her bladder.

Maybe she shouldn't have drank all that juice this morning. Now she has to change her blue jeans. Still, I wonder if anyone noticed.

Maybe she shouldn’t have drank all that juice this morning. Now she has to change her blue jeans. Still, I wonder if anyone noticed the little accident.

28. Seems like Santa has taken Bobby hostage and tied him up with Christmas lights.

I don't know why anyone would want to tie their kid up in Christmas lights for a photo. That's really messed up.

I don’t know why anyone would want to tie their kid up in Christmas lights for a photo. That’s really messed up.

29. For the hairy, porn stached man on your list, I’m sure very short swimming trunks will do nicely.

Now I'm very sure that's from the 1970s because I think the chances of a man standing with pride in his short shorts nowadays would seem very unlikely today.

Now I’m very sure that’s from the 1970s because I think the chances of a man standing with pride in his short shorts nowadays would seem very unlikely today.

30. Little Sandy has her present while her daddy has lots of money.

In all fairness, this seems to be the kind of Christmas card you'd see from The Wire. Seriously, the man with the money seems to reflect a lot of negative African American stereotypes if you know what I mean.

In all fairness, this seems to be the kind of Christmas card you’d see from The Wire. Seriously, the man with the money seems to reflect a lot of negative African American stereotypes if you know what I mean.

31. Merry Christmas from the Old Navy family and buy these white shirts and jeans. They make great gifts.

For some reason, I can't help but wonder whether this family picture is from a commercial. Yet, they do seem like they could all be related.

For some reason, I can’t help but wonder whether this family picture is from a commercial. Yet, they do seem like they could all be related.

32. If Adam and Eve had a Christmas card, then it would probably look like this. However, to be fair, they didn’t celebrate the holiday.

Now this is one of those Christmas photos that makes me scratch my head and wonder, "What the hell were these parents on to think that this was a good idea?" Also, the parents look as if they've just stepped out from a tanning salon.

Now this is one of those Christmas photos that makes me scratch my head and wonder, “What the hell were these parents on to think that this was a good idea?” Also, the parents look as if they’ve just stepped out from a tanning salon.

33. Always try to make your family’s first Christmas photo a memorable one.

However, it seems like the photographer's focus in this picture isn't so much the baby as it pertains to Mommy's huge lactating milk sacks. Seriously, you have no idea that this is a family portrait until you see the baby's face being obscured in the parents' arms.

However, it seems like the photographer’s focus in this picture isn’t so much the baby as it pertains to Mommy’s huge lactating milk sacks. Seriously, you have no idea that this is a family portrait until you see the baby’s face being obscured in the parents’ arms.

34. Merry Christmas from all of us.

I don't know about you but if I saw people popping out of my presents, I'd freak out. I'm sure they either used photoshop or a very big box.

I don’t know about you but if I saw people popping out of my presents, I’d freak out. I’m sure they either used photoshop or a very big box.

35. “C’mon, Scotty, tell Santa what you want for Christmas.”

I'm sure little Scotty is afraid of Santa Claus and his older brother Billy is reveling in it as we speak.

I’m sure little Scotty is afraid of Santa Claus and his older brother Billy is reveling in it as we speak.

36. When taking a picture of kids wearing “Ho!, Ho!, Ho!” shirts, make sure they stand close together.

I'm sure these parents weren't familiar with rap music to notice that the word, "ho" has another meaning. Still, seems that the youngest had other ideas.

I’m sure these parents weren’t familiar with rap music to notice that the word, “ho” has another meaning. Still, seems that the youngest had other ideas.

37. Look, kids, seems like Santa crashed in at the Ferguson house for Christmas.

Okay, I think it's really just a homeless guy in a fur coat carrying a sack, not Santa. I mean Santa wears a read suit. Then again, the beard is pretty clean.

Okay, I think it’s really just a homeless guy in a fur coat carrying a sack, not Santa. I mean Santa wears a read suit. Then again, the beard is pretty clean.

38. For the Christmas portrait, seems like Mom decided to wear her old outfit during her work as a dancer from the Kit Kat Club.

Well, Mommy had to pay through college somehow back in the day. Amazing her outfit still fits all these years. Nevertheless, not something you'd wear for a family Christmas picture.

Well, Mommy had to pay through college somehow back in the day. Amazing her outfit still fits all these years. Nevertheless, not something you’d wear for a family Christmas picture.

39. Looks like this family is about to get themselves a Christmas tree.

Then again, from how that girl looks in the picture she could be either getting ready to cut down a Christmas tree or kill her family. I mean she seems a bit eerily terrifying in this.

Then again, from how that girl looks in the picture she could be either getting ready to cut down a Christmas tree or kill her family. I mean she seems a bit eerily terrifying in this.

40. Merry Christmas, from the Blanchards of Cirque du Soleil.

Because what other family would you expect to stack up their kids to pose as a Christmas tree? Yet, they seem to be very happy about it though.

Because what other family would you expect to stack up their kids to pose as a Christmas tree? Yet, they seem to be very happy about it though.

41. “No, sir, I haven’t seen Travis anywhere. Honest to God, I didn’t.”

Don't look, now but I think something very bad went down in this room. Not to mention, there's an arm coming out from the box.

Don’t look, now but I think something very bad went down in this room. Not to mention, there’s an arm coming out from the box.

42. “C’mon, kids, grandma and grandpa’s here.”

Seems like the Dos Equis guy is traveling the world so much that he doesn't get to see his grandchildren very often. Also, I didn't know he had a wife. Hope she puts up with his peccadilloes since he's the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Seems like the Dos Equis guy is traveling the world so much that he doesn’t get to see his grandchildren very often. Also, I didn’t know he had a wife. Hope she puts up with his peccadilloes since he’s the Most Interesting Man in the World.

43. Merry Christmas from the jacuzzi.

Okay, so they may be on a Hawaiian vacation but still. I'm not sure if I think taking a Christmas card picture in a hot tub is a good idea.

Okay, so they may be on a Hawaiian vacation but still. I’m not sure if I think taking a Christmas card picture in a hot tub is a good idea.

44. “He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor. And he’s dancing like he’s never dance before.”

Before Quentin Tarantino started directing very violent movies, he had wanted to become a dancer but his parents wouldn't allow it.

Before Quentin Tarantino started directing very violent movies, he had wanted to become a dancer but his parents wouldn’t allow it.

45. Nothing says Christmas than wearing a shirt depicting Santa’s facial hair.

I wonder who thought having shirts like that was a testament to fashion sense. Probably someone on drugs at the time.

I wonder who thought having shirts like that was a testament to fashion sense. Probably someone on drugs at the time.

46. Nothing gets in the Christmas spirit than a Christmas tree decked with disembodied doll heads.

Of course, this tree was decorated in that if Tanya did anything naughty, the doll heads would haunt her in her dreams. Really creepy stuff.

Of course, this tree was decorated in that if Tanya did anything naughty, the doll heads would haunt her in her dreams. Really creepy stuff.

47. Like they say, the family that goes together, stays together.

Of course, there are some things families shouldn't do together like going to an outhouse. Still, pretty hysterical.

Of course, there are some things families shouldn’t do together like going to an outhouse. Still, pretty hysterical.

48. Sorry, kids, but looks like Santa’s been in a fight with his bookie.

I wonder if this mall ever does a background check on any prospective Santas. I'm not sure if this one belongs on the "Nice" list if you know what I mean.

I wonder if this mall ever does a background check on any prospective Santas. I’m not sure if this one belongs on the “Nice” list if you know what I mean.

49. “Mom, Dad, please no twerking in the photo! You’re embarrassing us!”

Now telling your kids not to twerk is one thing. Telling your parents not to twerk, well, there's no way they'll listen to you.

Now telling your kids not to twerk is one thing. Telling your parents not to twerk, well, there’s no way they’ll listen to you.

50. When it comes to taking pictures, placement is everything.

Now perhaps putting Dad near the gun display wasn't a good idea. Seriously, seems like some invisible person is about to shoot him in the head.

Now perhaps putting Dad near the gun display wasn’t a good idea. Seriously, seems like some invisible person is about to shoot him in the head.

51. Nothing says Christmas like dressing up as Christmas presents for the card.

Now I'm sure wearing those gift boxes can't be comfortable. Also make them look pretty idiotic if you really think about it. Also, what's with the Mickey Mouse Santa hats?

Now I’m sure wearing those gift boxes can’t be comfortable. Also make them look pretty idiotic if you really think about it. Also, what’s with the Mickey Mouse Santa hats?

52. Happy Holidays from the cool people in the neighborhood.

Or from the family who thinks they're too cool for the rest of the neighborhood with their fashion sense still stuck in the 1980s. I mean one of the boys in the back has a mullet.

Or from the family who thinks they’re too cool for the rest of the neighborhood with their fashion sense still stuck in the 1980s. I mean one of the boys in the back has a mullet.

53. Happy Holidays from the family with the world’s most embarrassing dad.

I bet that baby's thinking, "Jesus Christ, Dad, why the hell did you have to dress up as the New Year's baby? What are the kids in daycare going to think about this when they see this picture? I don't want to dwell on it."

I bet that baby’s thinking, “Jesus Christ, Dad, why the hell did you have to dress up as the New Year’s baby? What are the kids in daycare going to think about this when they see this picture? I don’t want to dwell on it.”

54. “All right, light em’ up.”

Can anyone please explain to me how they thought dressing up as Christmas light bulbs was a good idea? Because they seem to be some kind of rendition of Fruit of the Loom characters.

Can anyone please explain to me how they thought dressing up as Christmas light bulbs was a good idea? Because they seem to be some kind of rendition of Fruit of the Loom characters.

55. Nothing says Christmas than a family photo in leopard print pajamas.

Now I'm sure the leopard print doesn't come from real fur. But still, such a family photo op is bound to make PETA furious.

Now I’m sure the leopard print doesn’t come from real fur. But still, such a family photo op is bound to make PETA furious.

56. Merry Christmas from both of us.

Also, I'm sure those two aren't wearing anything under the towel and that they'll make love under it after the photo shoot is over.

Also, I’m sure those two aren’t wearing anything under the towel and that they’ll make love under it after the photo shoot is over.

57. It was only a matter of time before Fran could tell the kids she once worked at Willy Wonka’s factory.

Then again, a more plausible explanation for her orangeness probably has to do with being John Boehner's sister. Yeah, that orange tan runs in the family. Must be a genetic disorder of some sort.

Then again, a more plausible explanation for her orangeness probably has to do with being John Boehner’s sister. Yeah, that orange tan runs in the family. Must be a genetic disorder of some sort.

58. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for your kids than an assault rifle.

Actually for the love of God, don't ever give your children guns for Christmas, let alone assault rifles. Still, these children seem like they're out to cause a neighborhood shooting spree.

Actually for the love of God, don’t ever give your children guns for Christmas, let alone assault rifles. Still, these children seem like they’re out to cause a neighborhood shooting spree.

59. This will be our first Christmas since Jimmy’s been released from the state penitentiary.

Now I'm sure he may be drug free now but boy do those tattoos tell you that he's done the time. Nevertheless, I think concealer would be a great Christmas present for him.

Now I’m sure he may be drug free now but boy do those tattoos tell you that he’s done the time. Nevertheless, I think concealer would be a great Christmas present for him.

60. Tommy got a scooter while Jenny got a stuffed alligator in a stroller.

What Jenny really wanted was an alligator purse, not an actual gator in the stroller. You can see why she's very upset right now. Then again, the stuffed alligator might've been for one of the parents but it got mixed up.

What Jenny really wanted was an alligator purse, not an actual gator in the stroller. You can see why she’s very upset right now. Then again, the stuffed alligator might’ve been for one of the parents but it got mixed up.

61. Some people really don’t like to pose for Christmas cards.

I'm sure I sometimes feel that way, too when I have to stand for pictures, especially if they have to do another take.

I’m sure I sometimes feel that way, too when I have to stand for pictures, especially if they have to do another take.

62. I’m sure these old green table cloths would make great Christmas tree costumes.

I don't know about you but they could also seem like they're members of a cult in these outfits. Still, doesn't seem very flattering.

I don’t know about you but they could also seem like they’re members of a cult in these outfits. Still, doesn’t seem very flattering.

63. Merry Christmas from the toy soldier family.

Face it, folks, it was either this or the sugar plum fairies. And dad really didn't want to dress as a sugar plum fairy.

Face it, folks, it was either this or the sugar plum fairies. And Dad really didn’t want to dress as a sugar plum fairy.

64. Rudolph rejoiced when he finally got the corndog plant he’d been begging Santa for.

Now the Christmas lights expectant mother was one thing but this? How in the hell did anyone think it was a good idea? Hope that baby never sees this picture.

Now the Christmas lights expectant mother was one thing but this? How in the hell did anyone think it was a good idea? Hope that baby never sees this picture.

65. Let’s see, Dad has the pipe and hat, Mom’s got the coat, Ginny has her dolly, while Randy has a canteen and a snow brush.

Holy shit, that's Stephen King with his family. Certainly explains a lot there. Nevertheless, hope he's not writing The Shining at this point.

Holy shit, that’s Stephen King with his family. Certainly explains a lot there. Nevertheless, hope he’s not writing The Shining at this point.

66. Oh, sure, that’s exactly what Grandma wanted.

I'm not sure if Grandma knows what Taebo is or if anyone at the high rise does either. Still, she probably never took it out of the packaging.

I’m not sure if Grandma knows what Taebo is or if anyone at the high rise does either. Still, she probably never took it out of the packaging.

67. Looks like somebody didn’t get what she asked for this year.

Some girls just want to rub it in on Santa. Man, this girl must not like the new cleaning trolley Santa sent her this year. Then again, would anyone?

Some girls just want to rub it in on Santa. Man, this girl must not like the new cleaning trolley Santa sent her this year. Then again, would anyone?

68. Sure Baby Bella’s about to celebrate her first Christmas, but she’s already sick with sitting for pictures already.

"Okay, so after you're done taking pictures of me on the rocking horse, can we be done here? Also, I just pooped in my diaper."

“Okay, so after you’re done taking pictures of me on the rocking horse, can we be done here? Also, I just pooped in my diaper.”

69. Merry Christmas to all from the Bob Evans family.

Sure their clothes may seem like they're made from the table cloths you'd find at Bob Evans. Yet, they really don't seem to be down on the farm so to speak.

Sure their clothes may seem like they’re made from the table cloths you’d find at Bob Evans. Yet, they really don’t seem to be down on the farm so to speak.

70. “Hey, kids, can you leave for a second, cause Daddy needs a smoke.”

Let' hope he doesn't burn down the tree like Uncle Lewis did in Christmas Vacation, which led to that iconic squirrel scene.

Let’ hope he doesn’t burn down the tree like Uncle Lewis did in Christmas Vacation, which led to that iconic squirrel scene.