Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Sixth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 9, 2017

Summer is also a season where people like to catch up on their reading, namely during vacation. Sometimes it might be a noteworthy work of literature or a page turning read. But other times it just might consist of pulpy paperbacks, Harlequin romances, or Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Except on the occasions you can which is where I come in. Looking at some of these covers, it’s sometimes easy to tell whether it’s good or bad. Like if it depicts a rather stylized romance scene, especially if the man resembles a Greek god. Or if a sci-fi book has a very ridiculous illustration that seemed inspired by an acid trip. Or if its image clearly pertains to some unsettling subject matter that doesn’t seem quite right. But whatever the case, I hope you enjoy yet another installment of terrible book covers for your reading pleasure. By the way, some of these may not be safe for work.

Clash of Star-Kings: The Night the Stars Fell and the Spacemen Rose by Avram Davison

Wonder if that’s supposed to be a mythological figure. I think there’s an Egyptian god who looks like that. But he seems royally pissed right now so proceed with caution.

Now you must bow before the Crocodile lord of all creation.

2. The Boy with Dinosaur Hands: Nine Tales of the Real and Unreal by Al Carusone

Come to think of it, scissor hands aren’t great either. But at least your palms won’t bear ant resemblance to Jurassic Park.

Remember, kids, having dinosaur hands isn’t really as cool as it’s cracked up to be.

3. Cathletics: Ways to Amuse and Exercise Your Cat by Jo and Paul Loeb

Still, this isn’t the craziest cat book I’ve seen. After all, cats do need exercise. Yet, still I wonder what ridiculous workouts this book contains.

Because keeping your cat in the house all day contributes to feline obesity.

4. How to Recognize and Handle Abnormal People: A Manual for the Police Officer

Not sure what they mean by “abnormal people.” I mean that could be just about anyone. Just don’t tell me this book doesn’t contain offensive stereotypes.

After all, a cop needs to know how to respond to all the weirdos out there.

5. Spinning Wheel’s Antiques for Men edited by Albert Christian Revi

I’m sure there are plenty of men who collect antiques. And not just toy soldiers either. Hope those aren’t made of lead.

Who says that antiquing isn’t a manly pursuit?

6. You’re Going to Die by R. A. Montgomery

Seems like this kid’s real disillusioned about life in general. Man, this cover just has to bum you out.

It’s a choose your own adventure story with a depressing inevitable finish.

7. We Like Kindergarten

Look, I understand this book aims to help kids adjust to kindergarten. But that little girl holding the picture must really freak out the parents.

A Little Golden Book by the makers of The Children of the Corn.

8. The Partridge Family #10: Marked for Terror by Vic Crumb

Basically it’s about Keith getting arrested by the FBI and thrown into Gitmo. Those Enhanced Interrogation scenes are a riot.

Who knew the Partridge Family could get entangled in international terrorism?

9. Drivers Licence for Women by Dr. Frank Stahl Ph. D.

How the hell does making out naked near a beach have anything to do with driving? Because I have no idea.

Guess this is how a woman drives with a stick shift.

10. Humiedad Relativa by Justi Zapico

I’m sure the stuffed animals really kills the mood here. Let’s just say nudity and stuffed toys don’t really belong together.

Nothing titillates a man’s libido like a naked woman on top of brightly colored teddy bears.

11. Bang Bang, You’re Dead by Louise Fitzhugh and Sandra Scoppettone

This book is from 1969 but it hasn’t aged well for obvious reasons. Yet, it has kids saying things like “I got you dead!” and “Yeah, we’ll fix those skunks. Let’s chop off their heads!”

Also known as Graphic Violence for Kids.

12. Bear by Marian Engel

Yes, Sandra and Smokey were mad with each other. Yet, Smokey had to constantly watch his claws and animal instincts.

If you’re into hot grizzly action, this is the book for you.

13. “Johnny’s Such a Bright Boy, What a Shame He’s Retarded”: In Support of Mainstreaming Public Schools by Kate Long

I don’t know what this book says about people with intellectual disabilities. But the title doesn’t seem to suggest anything positive.

Winner of the “Most Insulting Title to the Disabled Award.”

14. The Psychic Sasquatch and Their UFO Connection by Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis M.S.

You can guess what they’ll be talking about here. Still, Sasquatches aren’t real whether they have ESP or not.

Didn’t know Bigfoot was an alien with psychic abilities.

15. Body Watchin’ Is Fun by John L. Shirley

I’m sure it pertains to people watching. But the photos on this cover make the subject matter all the more disturbing.

Brought to you by the guy who makes people feel awkwardly uncomfortable in public.

16. The Boy Who Looked Like Lincoln by Mike Reiss

Is it just me? Or does book seem goddamn freaky? Also, the other kids all have crazy heads. This book must’ve been written and illustrated on weed.

Finally a book about a kid who bears a resemblance to the 16th President and grew a beard before puberty.

17. At the Butt End of the Rainbow and Other Irish Tales by Clare Warner Livesly

Still, “butt end” really? Is the “butt” really necessary? Or is this a book of Irish bathroom tales? Like “Finn MacCool and His Restless Bowels” or “The Silent But Deadly Scourge of Cuchulainn.”

For when you get to the butt end of the rainbow, you’ll find all kinds of freakish creatures hanging out.

18. Cat Astrology by Mary Daniels

Yes, this kitty horoscope book exists. I know it’s crazy. But apparently there are cat owners who really believe this shit.

Now you can tell your cat’s future by their star sign.

19. Catflexing: A Cat Lover’s Guide to Weight Training, Aerobics, & Stretching by Stephanie Jackson

Catflexing? How is that a thing? Does that woman know how ridiculous she looks flexing with her cat?

Who knew you and your cat can get in shape together?

20. Corporate Attractions: An Inside Account of Sexual Harassment with the New Sexual Rules for Men and Women on the Job by Kathleen Neville

The cover doesn’t seem to give a good impression of sexual harassment and workplace relations. Also, the art just makes it look a bit outdated.

Apparently, these two seem to get along fine, but you’ll never know.

21. Dildo Cay by Nelson Hayes

Believe it or not, this was actually a best-seller and made into a movie called Bahama Passage starring Madeleine Carroll, Sterling Hayden, and Dorothy Dandridge. Movie tagline reads: “The two most gorgeous humans you’ve ever beheld – caressed by soft tropic winds – tossed by the tides of love!” There’s also a real place.

It’s a place of fun, adventure, and erotic stimulation.

22. Drugs and Anger by Bea O’Donnell Rawls

This book implies that taking drugs will turn you in to a raving lunatic who’d use broken bottles as a weapon. You’ve been warned. So don’t start.

Because drugs really bring out the worst in people.

23. Early Detection: Breast Cancer Is Curable by Philip Strax, M.D.

Yeah, that’s not really good placement. Also, breast cancer is a horrible disease that kills women every year. So why does the mammogram machine get the 1970s floral treatment.

There’s nothing a woman enjoys more than getting her own mammogram.

24. Computers & the Beast pf Revelation by David Webber and Noah Hutchings

Sorry, but computers aren’t evil at all. Nor will they usher in the apocalypse. Also, a snake shouldn’t be near one.

Computers are only machines that serve a gateway to sin.

25. The Forbidden Apple: Sex in the Schools by Philip J. Ross and John Marlowe

Still, what I find disturbing about this is that a grown man stands between two teenage girls. It’s implied he’s their teacher. You’d think they’d use a better photo than that for a teen sex book.

Because talking about sex in schools is necessary but often not encouraged.

26. Sexy PHP: A Fun Way to Learn Object Oriented PHP by C.A. Collins

No, PHP has nothing to do with sex. It’s a server-side language used in web development. But you couldn’t tell from the cover.

Cover courtesy of PornHub and GoDaddy.com.

27. Fratricide Is a Gas by Lindsay Gutteridge

Of course, she’s trying to rip your head off. You just fucked her. What did you expect?

Was supposed to be called Manti and Me but the editors didn’t think it would resonate with audiences.

28. Frisbee: A Practitioner’s Manual and Treatise by Dr. Stancil E.D. Johnson

For God’s sake, a frisbee is something you toss to your dog. How do I have to describe it?

At last, a serious academic book of the significance of the Frisbee.

29. Games for Insomniacs by John G. Fuller

Of course, if you have insomnia you could just stay up playing video games. That’s what most insomniacs do anyway.

Finally, you can have fun while you can’t sleep at night.

30. Getting High: How to Really Do It by Dan Clark

Hate to break it to stoners, but this isn’t a book on how to get a buzz from drugs. It’s actually a Christian devotional for teens and their parents. Sorry.

Yes, there’s a right way to get high for teens and adults.

31. Children’s Head Injury: Who Cares? edited by David A. Johnson, David Uttely, and Maria Wyke

That’s a pretty insensitive title since kids’ head injuries can cause serious harm throughout their lives. Also, the Humpty Dumpty motif doesn’t help.

Apparently, nobody seems too concerned about children suffering brain damage these days.

32. Honey, We Lost the Kids: Rethinking Childhood in the Multimedia Age by Kathleen McDonnell

Some people seem to go to great lengths to make the media look evil. That baby seems incredibly creepy along with that Simpsons character with the flaming red hair.

According to the cover, your children’s favorite cartoon characters are conspiring to kidnap them. Keep them close to you at all times.

33. God Speaks to Modern Man by Arthur E. Lickey

“What do you mean my appearance doesn’t adhere to dress code standards. I come from 1st century Palestine for my dad’s sake!”

Just Jesus and the boss casually hanging out at the office.

34. How to Be a More Interesting Woman by Barbara Wedgewood

Based on the cover, I think the book is filled with sexist trash from the Mad Men era. Because I don’t need a stupid book like that to be interesting.

Finally, a book for women on how to be interesting to others.

35. What Would Jesus Craft? by Ross McDonald

Is it just me or a Catholic thing? But isn’t a crucified Christ clock kind of sacreligious? Just a thought.

Learn how to make a crucifixion clock with a tree slice so you’ll know the time to pray.

36. How to Be a Jewish Mother: A Very Lovely Training Manual by Dan Greenburg

If there’s a book about being a Jewish mother, shouldn’t it be written by an actual Jewish mother? Because I don’t think Dan Greenburg has those kind of credentials due to being a dude.

Now there’s a manual for Jewish moms on how to do it right.

37. Jinny Williams Library Assistant: A Career Romance for Young Moderns by Sara A. Temkin and Lucy A. Hovell

I’m sure this book was written because library assistant was one of the few career paths available to women. Still, to call it a “career romance” is a long shot.

Didn’t know library assistants had interesting love lives.

38. Unfit for Command by John O’Neill and Jerome R. Corsi, Ph.D.

This is a book reeking with bullshit about John Kerry which would later lead to the term “swiftboating.” Such a book should be taken off the shelves and thrown into an incinerator where it belongs.

Or “How to Smear a Presidential Candidate by Attacking His Vietnam War Service and Patriotism with Bullshit for Political Gain.”

39. The You Can Do It! Kids Diet by Dee Matthews with Allan Zullo and Bruce Nash

Childhood obesity aside, there’s a reason dieting for kids is so controversial. Parents should consult their pediatrician so I’ll leave it at that.

The how to guide on fighting childhood obesity and perhaps self-esteem.

40. Knife Throwing: A Practical Guide by Harry K. McEvoy

Yes, this is a book about knife throwing. Learn how to throw knives at targets like trees, rodents, and Jen at accounting. Scratch the last bit.

Learn how to throw knives like a pro.

41. Role Models: Miley Cyrus by Dave Robson

I guess she was doing Hanna Montana at the time. Now she’s known for her VMA appearance and “Wrecking Ball.”

Read about the life of Miley Cyrus and how she’s a great role model.

42. More of Jesus Less of Me: An Entirely New Revolutionary Approach to Weight Control by Joan Cavanaugh with Pat Forseth

Christian weight loss guides? Seriously? You’d almost think there’s a Christian answer for everything.

Lose weight the righteous way through accepting Jesus as your lord and savior.

43. We Never Had Any Trouble Before: First Aid for Parents of Teenagers by Roger W. Paine III

Despite what pop culture says, teenagers aren’t really that terrible. But parents are known to overreact and Hollywood validates their fears.

A guide for parents of teens who feel like they’re living in hell.

44. Build an Oil-Fired Tilting Furnace by Steve Chastain

Uh, I think a project like that would be too dangerous. Besides, I don’t think most neighborhoods allow you to build something like that.

Now you can build a piece of industrial technology in your own backyard.

45. Mrs. Allen On All Fours: Develop a Perfect Relationship with Your Pet by Barbara A. Allen

Then again, your dog might think you’re an idiot trying to relate to them like that. No owner should have to bring themselves to that.

If you want to walk a mile in your dog’s shoes, then you might as well go down on your hands and knees.

46. Boys in Control by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Yes, that’s very inappropriate. Suzy should give Tad a restraining order. Seriously, there are literally laws against what the hell he’s doing.

Finally, a preteen book about sexual harassment, privacy invasion, and voyeurism.

47. What’s a Parent to Do? by C. S. Lovett

Seems like these parenting guides on teens make them seem like monsters. They even have a badge on the arm. Crazy.

Got rowdy teens shaking their fists in revolt? Here’s the book for you.

48. Mother, How Could You! by Eve Bunting

Seems like the mother caught her daughter making out with her boyfriend. And her daughter is pissed. Mother is embarrassed. Also, what’s the mom wearing, a nightgown?

Tagline: “Of all the things for her mother to do…”

49. Pinocchio: Vampire Slayer by Van Jensen and Dusty Higgins

Who knew that Pinocchio could kill vampires? Still, this is hilarious and kind of ridiculous. But not like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

He’s not a puppet. He’s a vampire slaying real boy who’ll kill blood sucking fiends.

50. Sarah T.: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

Seems like a real brat from the cover. Based on a TV movie from the 1980s.

Read this gripping tale of a teenage drunken brat.

51. The Sex of the Dollar: Street-Smart Financial Planning by Anne Kohn Blau

No, it’s not about prostitution. It’s about managing your money when you earn 20% less than your male colleagues. For God’s sake can’t we instill equal for pay for women already! It’s the least employers and politicians can do.

Didn’t know dollars had a sex.

52. Soil Tasting Manuel: Procedures, Classification, Data, and Sampling Practices by Robert W. Day

Actually, it’s supposed to be: Soil Testing Manual but there were typos. See how books become if you don’t proofread?

Want to know what dirt tastes like? Here’s the book for you.

53. The Square Root of Sex by Ted Mark

By the same guy who wrote The Man from O.R.G.Y. Think Fifty Shades of Grey meets The Big Bang Theory. And set it back to the 1970s.

Before The Big Bang Theory, we had books like these for nerd romance.

54. God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Rod: The Art of Loving Correction for Christian Parents by Larry Tomczak

Here there’s a kid with a bad haircut trying to get stuff out of the cookie jar. Seriously, this cover is messed up.

Instilling the fear of God and corporal punishment will get your kid to lead a healthy life.

55. There’s Power in the V by Takerra Allen

Nevertheless, this cover looks more like a hair salon ad than anything. Also, the type kind of clashes.

Not sure what the hell the V means. Vagina? Just a guess.

56. The Beginner’s Guide to Animal Autopsy

Features a teddy bear with all kinds of mechanized insides. Though most just have stuffing in them.

From this book, you can learn what’s inside an animal and what killed it.

57. My Dad’s Definitely Not a Drunk! by Elisa Lynn Carbone

I’m sure plenty of children of alcoholic parents can relate. Still, the dad’s definitely a drunk.

A novel about a young girl in denial of her dad’s alcoholism.

58. Heavenly Bodies: Remembering Hollywood and Fashion’s Favorite AIDS Benefit by Michael Anketell

Because nothing brings the ravages of AIDS to the forefront like a scantily clad model with wings. I’m sure they could’ve used a more dignified picture for the cover.

Featuring styles from Victoria’s Secret.

59. Weak Link: The Feminization of the American Military by Brian Mitchell

Contrary to what this book says, women in the military don’t make the US weak. You know what does? Electing a sociopathic demagogue with authoritarian tendencies to the White House.

For the manly military men who are so insecure in their masculinity that they think women shouldn’t protect them from terrorists.

60. Rowing: The Skill of the Game by Rosie Mayalothling

After all, there is nothing more manly than being packed on a boat with shorts and an undershit and longingly looking over the guy in front of you. Boy, Jake has it in for Randy hard. But should he tell him?

If you want to know about this manly sport, here is the book for you.

Green Eggs and Hamtastic Dr. Seuss Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 28, 2017

Roast Beast

Aside from Green Eggs and Ham, Dr. Seuss doesn’t really get into food as much as some of the fantastical stuff in his books. Though there is The Battle Butter Book where the Yooks and the Zooks engage in an arms race over a disagreement on buttering one’s bread. Yes, it sounds silly but the ending is truly dark and disturbing since it escalated to nukes. Then there’s also a book about making the best scrambled eggs with the eggs coming from various exotic birds. Oh, and the fact the Grinch steals the roast beast along with other forms of Who food including the last can of Who hash. Nevertheless, when you look on Pinterest, you’d find so many Dr. Seuss treats for themed parties. Of course, these are mostly for kids. Yet, many of them can be quite whimsical nonetheless. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Dr. Seuss treats.

Dr. Seuss cake pops should always come in spectacular patterns.

Yes, these are certainly in great Seussical patterns in red, white, and light blue. But they won’t be the only ones you’ll see on this post.

2. The best kind of Dr. Seuss cake has green eggs and ham on top.

This is for a baby’s first birthday party. But it comes with its own set of cupcakes.

3. You’ll be amazed to find what’s in this Truffula cake.

Indeed, it has plenty of pastel layers inside. Though the Truffulas on it hardly look impressive.

4. You don’t need a special occasion to eat a slice of bread with the Cat in the Hat.

After all, it contains the iconic red and white stripe hat. Also, is in a rather crazy design.

5. Perhaps a Cat in the Hat fruit salad platter can entice you.

Mostly consist of strawberry and banana slices. Yet, makes for a healthy snack for a kid’s party.

6. Hope you have a heart for these Grinch Oreo cookie treats.

Sure the heart might be small. And these are more suited for Christmas. But the Grinch is an iconic character in the Seuss canon.

7. There’s nothing more unforgettable than a cake featuring Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Another first birthday cake in 3 tiers. Still, it’s a bit more festive and Seusslike than the first one.

8. This Lorax lunch will satisfy anyone who speaks for the trees.

Includes a Lorax sandwhich and some Truffula tree treets. Contains a side of broccoli.

9. No child could resist this lunch from the Cat in the Hat.

Yet, the hat seems to be quite small for his head. Yet, the sandwich is certainly in his likeness.

10. No dessert platter is complete without this whimsical Dr. Seuss cake.

Contains imagery from the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. So cute.

11. There’s something fishy about these cupcakes.

Most of these contain one fish. Some have two. Some of these are red. And some of these are blue.

12. For healthier options, check out these Cat in the Hat fruit snacks.

Sure they may contain marshmallow heads with his face. But the hats consist of strawberry and banana.

13. With this cake, think of all the places you’ll go.

Funny how this cake is based on a kid’s book given to graduates. Still, you have to love the colors.

14. Cotton candy makes great tuffs for Truffula trees.

Yet, remember that cotton candy mostly consist of sugar. But you can easily see why they’re great for Truffula trees.

15. If you like Green Eggs and Ham and the Cat in the Hat, then check out this cake.

Even has a long fork into the green ham at the top. Also love the striped hat underneath it.

16. For a hot lunch, you can’t go wrong with a Lorax quesadilla.

Nice that it has some cheesy eyes and a mustache of cheddar. And though it’s not orange, it greatly resembles him.

17. A Lorax pizza can certainly make anyone’s day.

Contains olive eyes and a cheddar mustache. And it’s quite small as you see it next to a spoon.

18. If you liked the Bar-ba-loots, I suppose you’ll take to these snacks.

Funny how they don’t seem to have stuff pertaining to the Humming Fish and the Swamee Swans. Still, these consist of chocolate teddy bear crackers and mini marshmallows.

19. For healthier options, this Lorax lunch is a real treat.

Contains fruit and veggie Truffula trees. Yet, the Lorax here is extra cheesy.

20. These Dr. Seuss cupcakes can’t be beat on any dessert platter.

Includes toppers from the Lorax, Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Some of them even have quotes, too.

21. If you’re into the zany, this Dr. Seuss cake will certainly suit you.

Depicts many of your old favorites as you can see. Also, has some crazy decor on the top.

22. If you like Green Eggs and Ham, then you’ll love this bento lunch.

Okay, I think there might be green egg candies and dyed ham. But at least it’s among orange rice.

23. Speaking of Green Eggs and Ham, how about these cupcakes?

These are green velvet cupcakes with green and white icing on them. Still, wonder what the ham cake looks like with these.

24. Nothing makes a great Dr. Seuss birthday party like Cat in the Hat pizza.

Sure it mainly consists of pepperoni. But its perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

25. I’m positive anyone will eat this Green Eggs and Ham cake.

Yes, it’s a cake consisting of green eggs and ham for someone’s birthday. Nevertheless, it almost resembles the illustration.

26. These Sneetch Oreo truffle bites are hard to resist.

Some of these contain two stars. Others just one. But each is special in its own way.

27. If you want healthy snacks, you can’t go wrong with a fruity Thing 1 and Thing 2.

These are mainly comprised of banana, strawberries, and blueberries. And they’re both held together by toothpicks.

28. Seems like the Cat in the Hat wants to wish someone a happy birthday.

Yes, it’s probably from a high end bakery. But you can’t help but love it. So adorable.

29. Bet you can’t guess which Dr. Seuss book comes with these cupcakes.

Let me guess, the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, the Sneetches, and the Batle Butter Book. Still, the one on the far right is trick.

30. These Cat in the Hat cupcakes will surely suit your Seussical fancy.

The hats here consist of red icing and marshmallows. Yet, all make a fantastical Seuss treat.

31. Get a load of these fishy cookies.

Yes, these are from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And they couldn’t use a blue fish since Swedish fish were involved.

32. This Dr. Seuss bento lunch will satisfy any child’s taste.

Yes, another Seuss bento lunch. But at least it has a little more Cat in the Hat.

33. This Cat in the Hat cake is almost by the book.

Well, it’s a cake of the book. But it’s surely an iconic one in the Seuss canon.

34. How about some Truffula tree cake pops on a stick?

Well, Truffula cake pops are surely appropriate for a Lorax themed party. And these sticks are even made to resemble the trunks.

35. Surely anyone would want a Dr. Seuss cake well-stacked.

Okay, this is considerably overboard. But it’s oddly fitting considering Dr. Seuss’s illustrations.

36. These cupcakes make the best Sneetch treats.

As in the book, some of these have green stars. And some have no stars at all.

37. What in the hell are these cupcake things?

Okay, these cupcakes are supposed to imitate Thing 1 and Thing 2. The cotton candy gives the impression of their blue hair.

38. There’s something very grinchy about these cupcakes.

Well, these are Grinch cupcakes. And each has a grinchy face as well as a heart 3 sizes too small.

39. Hope you have a taste for this Cat in the Hat sandwich.

Yes, he certainly looks spiffy. Love what they did with the hat. So adorable.

40. For your Grinchy Christmas celebrations, may I suggest this cake?

Depicts the Grinch in a Santa hat. And yes, he’s bent on stealing Christmas since he’s fed up with holiday consumerism.

41. Nothing welcomes a new fish in your family like this Dr. Seuss cake.

So I guess there are Dr. Seuss themed baby showers. Well, makes sense. But this cake probably has a steep price.

42. Any child who’s read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish will find this lunch a real treat.

Yes, this is certainly a fishy lunch. Even has a fish sandwich and fish crackers.

43. If you love Oh, the Places You’ll Go, you’ll adore these Dr. Seuss cookies.

Yes, these may be professionally made. But they greatly resemble the book’s illustrations.

44. This Lorax lunch can surely speak for the trees.

Mostly consist of the Lorax sandwich with him in cheese. At any rate, it’s an almost exact likeness.

45. These cheese trees make great party appetizer platters.

By the way, the cheese trees are from Fox in Socks. I know it’s kind of insane.

46. This Lorax cake has a forest of Truffula trees.

And here we have the Lorax on a stump who speaks for them. Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen.

47. There’s so much to love about this Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is for another first birthday. And yes, it’s almost like you’d see in a Dr. Seuss illustration.

48. This Cat in the Hat muffin tin lunch has almost everything a kid could want.

Well, it certainly includes 6 courses on it. Even a cup of red and white stripes.

49. These Lorax cupcakes will surely make your party a hit.

Consists of the Lorax, Truffula trees, and the Bar-ba-loots. Great for any Lorax themed party.

50. There’s nothing greener to eat than this Green Eggs and Ham lunch.

Well, except a Saint Patrick’s Day lunch of course. But you get the idea here.

51. Green Eggs and Ham cookies will please anyone willing to try them.

Well, they’re small cookies of green eggs and ham. Yet, each is professionally iced in its own way.

52. For appetizers, you can’t go wrong with these Cat in the Hat snacks.

These consist of cherry tomatoes and cheese stacked on Ritz crackers. Toothpicks required which goes without saying.

53. Of course, this would be a perfect cake for Dr. Seuss.

After all, it’s in the form of a book. Also consists of the Cat in the Hat’s hat and green eggs and ham.

54. Nothing makes a kid jump with glee than these Horton marshmallow treats.

These are from Horton Hatches an Egg since it contains a nest. Still, these are cute and fluffy.

55. I’m sure no Dr. Seuss fan can resist these cookies.

Well, they certainly consist of many people’s favorites. Though they’re definitely professionally made.

56. Wake up in the morning with some fruity Cat in the Hat toast.

Also, contains some whipped cream. Part of a complete Dr. Seuss breakfast.

57. These Grinch cupcakes will bring you loads of Christmas joy.

Unlike the other Grinch cupcakes, these have Santa hats on them. But each have a smile and yellow eyes.

58. This Cat in the Hat cake has 3 things on the top.

Guess this is for a kid’s 3rd birthday. Nevertheless, it’s as Seussical as can be.

59. How about some ham for your green deviled egg?

Goes without saying these are from Green Eggs and Ham. Though the ham isn’t green and is much smaller.

60. Which cupcake do you want? Truffula tree or Lorax?

Yes, the Lorax cupcakes all look the same. And the Truffula trees have different colors on them. But can’t the two be able to coexist?

61. This Dr. Seuss cake seems to have some interesting candles.

Then again, they may be made from icing. But at least this one contains many of your favorites.

62. This Dr. Seuss cake seems like it can fall down any minute.

Yes, these cakes can be quite elaborate and rather expensive. But in Dr. Seuss treat post, you can’t leave them out.

63. A Grinch cake can bring you endless joy for the Christmas season.

This one has a house with the Grinch on Mt. Crumpit. I know it’s kind of pretty but also has a whimsical touch.

64. These green egg cookies will surely make a fine addition to an Dr. Seuss dessert platter.

And these don’t seem very difficult to decorate at all. Since green and white icing is all you need.

65. This Lorax snack seems particularly fruity.

The Lorax is made of canned fruit. And he has a Truffula tree with a pretzel trunk beside him.

66. You can’t have a Dr. Seuss party without a Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is a more 3-dimensional model. But it certainly works with the book decor it’s on.

67. Nothing makes kids excited for reading like a Cat in the Hat pizza.

Yes, it’s another Cat in the Hat pizza. But this one has a more curvy look to it.

68. If you liked the Cat in the Hat Comes Back, you might enjoy this cake.

After all, it’s the one where the Cat in the Hat crashes the kids’ home again and eats cake in a tub. Of course, he leaves a pink ring in it.

69. Here’s another cake showing the whimsical world of Dr. Seuss.

Yes, I know I have a lot of cakes on here. But each of them is spectacular as can be.

70. This Lorax cake really speaks for the trees.

This one has the Lorax on top and the Truffula Forest on the bottom. So pretty.

71. If you’re expecting a couple of little tings, you might want to go with this cake.

Even has Thing 1 and Thing 2 onesies. Also like how it’s surrounded by blue cupcakes.

72. As we should remember, a cupcake’s a cupcake no matter how small.

As you can see, these are from Horton Hears a Who!. And each contains a pink clover.

73. For breakfast will it be Cat in the Hat or Green Eggs and Ham?

Yet, I’d have to remind you that the Cat in the Hat one contains more calories. Just so you know.

74. Peanut cookies make great Loraxes.

Now these seem pretty easy. Just decorate them with eyes and a yellow mustache and you’re good to go.

75. A Dr. Seuss lunch should always have a couple of things.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 anyway. But at any rate, this is adorable.

76. For hot summer days, you might want to try a Cat in the Hat ice cream treat.

Comes with a cone for the hat and pretzels for whiskers. Perfect for a Dr. Seuss kind of day.

77. Or perhaps you’d want some Cat in the Hat marshmallow treats.

These consist of marshmallows and fruit roll-ups. And they certainly have the Seussical charm.

78. If you want to keep it simple, this is the Cat in the Hat lunch for you.

Just consists of a fish in a bowl sandwich and Cat in the Hat apple slices. What more can you want?

79. This Dr. Seuss lunch has a little bit from his most famous books.

You see a bit of Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. There might be a few others as well.

80. Lorax pretzels make a quality Dr. Seuss snack.

Each of these consists of a waffle pretzel decorated with icing to resemble the Lorax. Simple as that.

81. Dr. Seuss pasta should always have zany colors.

Helps if you use blue alfredo sauce, too. Resembles something you’d eat at a Whoville restaurant.

82. Truffula cookies should be served on a stick.

Yes, these are professionally made. But like Truffula trees, they come in a vast array of colors.

83. These Cat in the Hat treats will satisfy any Dr. Seuss dessert enthusiast.

Consists of icing, Oreos, and lifesavers. Pretty simple to assemble a kid can do it.

84. Green egg pretzel bites are a perfect Dr. Seuss snack.

Just consists of icing, waffle pretzels, and green M&Ms. So you should have no trouble making them.

85. With a pear, you can make your own Sneetch treat.

And it almost resembles the illustration. Nevertheless, this is kind of neat.

86. No Dr. Seuss party should ever go without a green eggs and ham appetizer platter.

Well, they’re green deviled eggs with ham slices. But the ham isn’t green.

87. In these Oh, the Places You’ll Go cupcakes contain plenty of surprises.

These are full of sprinkles as you can see. They also have layers upon layers of colors consisting of cake.

88. For a healthy Dr. Seuss lunch, say hello to a grinchy sandwich.

Also has a green egg and apple slices for sides. But yes, you’d want to eat the Grinch sandwich, would you?

89. Now help yourself to some literal green eggs and ham.

Yet, unlike the book, the ham isn’t green. Yet, the eggs are thanks to the magic of food coloring.

90. If you don’t like green eggs and ham alone, these pesto bacon cups will suit you fine.

Still, they might have a lot of grease on them. Yet, they’d be quite gourmet for a Dr. Seuss breakfast.

91. Check out these fishy cookies.

These are straight out of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And unlike the last bunch, they’re at least the right colors and shapes.

92. You can’t have a Lorax party without a pizza that speaks for the cheese.

Toppings consists of cheese, peppers, and olives. But certainly bears a resemblance to the old Lorax himself.

93. Which do you want fish or hats?

I know these are professionally made. But you can’t help but love them.

94. This Lorax bento lunch is perfect for hikes in the Truffula forest.

That is until the Once-ler comes around and decimates it for his thneeds. Again, I can’t say what they’re used for.

95. Perhaps a more colorful Lorax bento would suit you.

Well, this makes bento box into an art form. Consists of Truffula trees, the Lorax, Bar-ba-loots, Swamee Swans, and “Unless.”

96. For more greens, go with a Grinchy veggie tray.

Though I’d insist, it’s more appropriate for the holidays. Since he’s from a Christmas story.

97. Fans of Oh, the Places You’ll Go would want to have this veggie tray.

This one has a whole variety of veggies cut in different ways. Perfect for any Dr. Seuss party.

98. You can eat this bento lunch here. You can eat it there. You can even eat it anywhere.

Yes, this is from Green Eggs and Ham. And it even has green hard-boiled eggs to boot.

99. For a colorful cake, may I suggest Oh, the Places You’ll Go.

Because let’s face it, the Lorax isn’t a very happy story. Also, you might like some of the cake pops on this. So cute.

100. And finally, the veggies are stacked on this Yertle the Turtle bento lunch.

However, I have to remind you that Yertle the Turtle is an allegory on fascism. And the turtle stacking had more to do with enhancing Yertle’s own ego.

Fun and Fantastical Dr. Seuss Craft Projects from the Truffula Tree Forest

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 26, 2017

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The wide world of Dr. Seuss is filled with so many whimsical contraptions that many would find impossible to replicate in real life. At least one in good working order. But they certainly delight us nonetheless. Yet, you’d also find plenty of Dr. Seuss crafts and other items that might whisk you off to Whoville, the Jungle of Nool, or the Truffula Forest. But you’d find a lot of other places, too. Naturally, many of these usually consist of activities catered toward children. Because plenty of schools and parents make use of them. Yet, you’ll also find plenty of other craft items in Dr. Seuss’s fantastical style. None of them consists of thneeds. However, I’m not sure what the hell one is used for anyway except making money for the Once-ler which leads to him decimating the Truffula Forest. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of charming Dr. Seuss craft projects. Enjoy.

You can make adequate Truffula trees with pool noodles and tissue paper.

Though you might need t use yellow duct tape for the trunk. Still, if you like The Lorax, these can’t be beat.

2. A Cat in the Hat child’s chair is always a delight in the home.

It’s even painted in blue, red, white, and black. I’m sure it’s made by a pro. But I like it.

3. A Green Eggs and Ham pinata is always full of surprises.

But at least in this one, you have candy. Not food-borne diseases like trichinosis.

4. You can’t steal Christmas without a Grinch ugly sweater.

I know Christmas is a long way off. But the Grinch is such an iconic Dr. Seuss character. So I can’t ignore putting a few in this one.

5. No one can say no to a Green Eggs and Ham snack tray.

It just has the green eggs and ham painted on. Nevertheless, it’s quite a work of art.

6. A Dr. Seuss shelf should always create a colorful impression.

This one comes in 3 sections. But you’d certainly find it at a Whoville furniture store.

7. It’s never out of style to wear a Cat in the Hat dress.

And you can’t get any better than with a Cat in the Hat sun dress. Best to wear on rainy summer days.

8. There’s never a bad time to curl up with a book when you have a Cat in the Hat quilt.

Certainly a crazy quilt indeed with all kinds of colors. But it’s as Seussical as can be.

9. This white bookshelf has a mind of its own.

Well, certainly seems like it. Still, not sure if I’d want to have it around my place. The shelves are uneven which is precisely the point.

10. A crocheted Lorax cap will keep your little one nice and warm.

Sure the Lorax is a fuzzy character since he’s orange and hairy with a long yellow mustache. But he’s not particularly cuddly. Though this hat certainly is.

11. Your little ones will always match with these Thing 1 and Thing 2 crocheted caps.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the Cat and the Hat’s main entourage. Still, these are cute.

12. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’ll certainly adore these chairs.

These consist of the Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. And all are in bright colors.

13. Red and white stripes with blue feathers always make a great Seuss wreath.

Obviously, This is from the Cat in the Hat. Since the blue reflects the hair from Things 1 & 2.

14. It’s easy to make a Truffula tree with a long stick and fuzz.

Nevertheless, they come in all shapes and sizes. Also, they all come in pots.

15. A Lorax amigurumi always speaks for the trees.

And here he has a Truffula tree in his hand. Though it would be much bigger than him.

16. There’s nothing better to snuggle in than a square diamond Cat in the Hat quilt.

After all, a Seuss quilt comes alive when you use some crazy patterned fabric. Love this.

17. You can’t have a merry Grinchmas without a Grinch wreath.

Even has a Grinch in the center holding candy. And it’s certainly in the festive Christmas spirit.

18. As we all know, Dr. Seuss taught us that reading is fun.

As this canvas hanging shows. Includes the Cat in the Hat, the Lorax, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

19. Nothing makes reading more fun than a Cat in the Hat shelf.

It’s a Cat in the Hat shelf since it’s depicted in the iconic striped hat. Great for any kid’s room.

20. A Cat in a Hat apron is perfect for any kitchen adventure.

Still, you wouldn’t want the Cat in the Hat in your kitchen. Because he’d just make a real mess in there.

21. The Cat in the Hat could only dream of shoes like these.

Since they match his red and white striped hat. Though I wouldn’t want to walk outside with them.

22. A Cat in the Hat quilt like this can always delight on a cold day.

Yet, another Cat in the Hat quilt. I know you might be tired already. But there’s more to come from the other books.

23. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, it’s not going to get better, it’s not.”

I guess that’s the last Truffula tree. Yes, the Once-ler really fucked up with his insatiable greed.

24. You can always take this Dr. Seuss tote wherever you go.

Well, this bag features many of your favorite characters. It also consists of red and white stripes.

25. Wouldn’t you want this Truffula tree painting on your wall?

Maybe. But if you’re the Once-ler, probably not. Since it can serve as a reminder of how he screwed up.

26. There’s always a way to say “Merry Grinchmas.”

And I’m sure this sign is just the ticket. Love the green arm sticking out with the ornament.

27. Would you like a crocheted green eggs and ham?

Sure you can’t eat them. But you wouldn’t want to eat the real life equivalent either.

28. Nobody can resist a Cat in the Hat chair with a fuzzy seat.

It even has feet with shoes. Still, what’s not to love about this?

29. With this Lorax lampshade, you can illuminate a Truffula forest.

Though it’s more meant to cast shadows of the Lorax and the Truffula trees. But it’s pretty cool.

30. A hat made of ribbons makes a great Dr. Seuss centerpiece.

I guess this is for a Cat in the Hat themed party. But it’s spectacular.

31. Why have one candy dispenser when you can use 2?

Appropriately enough these are in the likeness of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And they both have blue feathered hair.

32. Nobody could ever resist stealing an amigurumi Grinch.

Sure he may not be in his Santa suit. But he sure as hell doesn’t seem like his heart is 3 sizes too small either.

33. Nothing can make your day like a Cat in the Hat bouquet.

Yet, the hat vase has a more twisty, turny stripe pattern. Still, this is perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

34. You can always enjoy reading in this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

At least I think it’s a rocking chair. But it only uses a few colors for simplicity.

35. This Lorax tote is 100% ec0-friendly.

At least compared to thneeds. For I’m not sure what they do. Still, better than paper or plastic.

36. This chair’s been painted in a real Seuss style.

And it seems to be in a more artistic style than some of the other ones. Like the patterns on the back.

37. How about some Truffula trees on poles.

Well, at least they stand up straight. Though don’t the Truffula trees in the book kind of bend down a little like palm trees?

38. If you love the Grinch, then this panel should tell you the real meaning of Christmas.

This one depicts the Grinch seeing the Whos sing together after he stole all their stuff. Of course, he can’t stop Christmas from coming.

39. Check out these Lorax shoes.

They certainly have great Seuss artwork on them. But the Cat in the Hat ones are much simpler to do.

40. You’d find that this Cat in the Hat bookshelf really comes in handy.

This is kind of neat. Uneven and with everyone’s favorite characters from the book.

41. Welcome guests to your home with a Cat in the Hat wreath.

Even has the Cat in the Hat on it. And it’s in classic colors from the book.

42. There’s something fishy about this chest of drawers.

It’s from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. But it’s certainly great for a little kid’s room.

43. You can always read and keep warm in this Dr. Seuss quilt.

This one depicts many of the all time favorites. And each square has a lot of colorful illustrations.

44. You can even make your own felt Dr. Seuss hat.

Well, this is the one from the Cat in the Hat. But sure, it’s possible.

45. Grace your table with your very own Truffula tree wreath.

It’s set on the table so the Truffula trees can stand up. Kind of clever if you think about it.

46. Nothing makes your guests feel welcome than this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Couldn’t pass this one up. Since it has his face as well as red tulle and white ribbons.

47. Amigurumi Thing 1 and Thing 2 will bring you loads of fun.

Where the Cat in the Hat be without them? Still, you have to like their blue hair.

48. Thing 1 and Thing 2 always make a perfect pair.

Well, they certainly match in almost every way. Still, without their suits, you can barely tell them apart.

49. You’ll always look sharp with a Cat in the Hat ribbon pin.

Doesn’t seem that hard to make by the looks of it. Though I could be wrong.

50. I’m sure anyone would want to have this Dr. Seuss bookshelf from Whoville.

Comes in an array of different colors. But always fits best in a corner.

51. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’d love these canvas quotes.

These are all painted, by the way. Each one depicts an illustration from a Dr. Seuss book.

52. For Christmas, you might want to steal this sign.

Okay, I was kidding on that one. But for a panel sign, this is absolutely perfect.

53. There’s nothing fuzzier to love than a Lorax wreath.

Well, he’s supposed to be furry. But I’m sure the face really looks like him.

54. You’re always invited for fun with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

This one has the trademark Dr. Seuss hat. Goes nicely with the ribbons and decomesh.

55. This Seuss quilt is one crazy patchwork after another.

Another quilt that has a lot of your old favorites. Love the use of covers.

56. You’ll always have a seat on this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

Yet, I have a feeling this is more meant for kids. But I appreciate the paint job.

57. No nursery is ever complete without a Dr. Seuss mobile.

After all, a baby should have a mobile depicting what you’d read to them before bedtime. So cute.

58. When you go to the beach, you can cuddle with your amigurumi Star-Bellied Sneetch.

Yet, to be fair, the Star-Bellied Sneetches aren’t the nicest bunch. Since The Sneetches story is about racism.

59. You can have loads of fun on rainy days with this Cat in the Hat peg doll set.

Includes the Cat in the Hat, Sally and her brother, and Things 1&2.

60. If you enjoy Green Eggs and Ham, then I suppose you’ll rave about this quilt.

Seems like it’s more colorful than the Cat in the Hat ones. But please enjoy the illustrations.

61. This Cat in the Hat chair has a back with red and white stripes.

Well, this looks whimsical enough for story time. And it has the Cat in the Hat on the seat.

62. Hope you keep warm this Christmas season with this crocheted Grinch cap.

It’s bright green in order to stand out, too. Great for any yuletide winter’s day.

63. Perhaps you might guess the books on these samplers.

I’m sure you’ll have no trouble with them. But each one consist of a felt image.

64. Bet you want to get squeaky clean with this Dr. Seuss shower curtain.

Still, make sure you have a plain plastic one that goes under it. Because I don’t think such a design is practical without it.

65. Curl up this Christmas season with this Grinch quilt.

Well, that’s an interesting design. Funny, how I show a lot of quilts on this post for some reason.

66. Hope you might try having this Green Eggs and Ham shelf around.

It’s orange with green inside the shelves. Even has Sam I Am with his trademark cuisine on the side.

67. With these Cat in the Hat blocks, your child could learn their ABCs.

Each one is in a whimsical design. You can even see the Cat in the Hat himself on some of them.

68. There are always fun things to do with this Dr. Seuss stool.

But make sure it doesn’t end up in a science lab, workshop, or an art room. Since it’s richly painted.

69. Rest your head on a couch with this Dr. Seuss cushion pillow.

Features your favorite Dr. Seuss stories. And has a black and white fringe. So lovely.

70. Got a broken globe? How about make a lamp like this?

That’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Yes, it’s certainly fitting in a way.

71. Perhaps you’d want a sample of green eggs and ham.

Well, that’s a rather detailed sampler. Like how they used the buttons as yolks.

72. Hope this old globe will show all the places you’ll go.

Now normally, I usually advise against decorating globes like this, But this kind of works.

73. That red shelf seems to have some personality.

Well, the white one is quite plain compared to this. But it certainly has the Seuss spirit.

74. You can always share a book when sitting on this Cat in the Hat rocking chair.

That one has a rather stellar design. And it has a striped hat on the seat.

75. Nothing says Christmas fun like a set of Grinch peg dolls.

Includes the Grinch, Max, Cindylou Who, and a Christmas tree. All in all, it’s quite clever.

76. No kid wants anything more than to cuddle with an amigurumi Cat in the Hat.

Well, his head is a little big for his body. But nevertheless, he’s adorable.

77. With Seuss baby bibs, your baby will sure look forward to dinner time.

Consists of a set of 3. And each is in a different pattern. But any tot will love them.

78. No elementary teacher should ever go without this Dr. Seuss wreath.

After all, many Dr. Seuss books are targeted for grade school kids. Yet, this one is certainly school oriented.

79. As it can be there’s always a great wide world for us to see.

Well, it’s a panel depicting a map of the world. Of course, it has to say, “Oh, the places you’ll go!” on it.

80. Wonder if the houses in Whoville resemble this.

Yes, it’s a Dr. Seuss style birdhouse. And yes, you can find ones in all different colors on Etsy.

81. These crocheted hats are perfect for a couple of little things.

After all, these are kids’ hats with designations of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they’re cute.

82. There’s something curvy about this birdhouse.

Yes, it’s another Dr. Seuss birdhouse. But this one is a bit wavier than the other. But it certainly belongs to Whoville.

83. Don’t leave home with Cat in the Hat tote bag.

This one even has straps you can fasten it with. Pretty ingenious don’t you think?

84. Nothing makes your bedroom better than a wavy blue dresser.

Though I’m not sure how you’re supposed to fit clothes into it. But it’s great for any Suessical bedroom.

85. Fans of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, might enjoy this fishy quilt.

The book itself doesn’t have much of a plot. But the images are fantastic nonetheless.

86. It always works best with a Cat in the Hat chest.

It’s just a plastic chest painted with Cat in the Hat stuff on it. But I hope it keeps all your kid’s toys.

87. This Green Eggs and Ham quilt has some crazy patterns.

And indeed, it does. But it also has a certain whimsical charm to it, too.

88. Rest your head on this Cat in the Hat cushion.

Includes a quote by Dr. Seuss on it by the way. Still, you can’t help but love this.

89. Protect your hands in the kitchen with this Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

Since Green Eggs and Ham pertains to food, this is rather fitting. But please, real green eggs and ham wouldn’t pass a health inspection.

90. A burlap Grinch wreath should always suit your fancy on Christmas.

This one includes some lines from the book. But the Santa hat and green burlap sure go nice together.

91. Who knows where you’ll go with these shoes.

Well, since these are from Oh, the Places You’ll Go, it’s only fitting. But I love the art on these.

92. These Dr. Seuss pot holders are always essential for the kitchen.

And it helps that they’re both in the same design. Best to go with the Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

93. With this wreath, the Cat in the Hat welcomes you.

This one even includes Thing 1 and Thing 2. But yes, it’s surely and inviting sight.

94. You’ll always look spiffy with these Dr. Seuss bowties.

After all. old Ted Geisel himself liked to done one all the time. Still, these are great.

95. Enjoy your coffee in the morning with this Cat in the Hat ceramic mug.

Includes a striped handle and top. Sure it only depicts the hat. But it’s good enough.

96. Make sure to take this pillow with you while you travel.

Naturally, it’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go. The hot air balloon gives it a touch of whimsy.

97. This Cat in the Hat apron will make anyone a kitchen maven.

Still, it looks quite pretty. Not sure whether I’d want cook with that on.

98. Instead of a thneed, cuddle in this Lorax quilt.

After all, thneeds are utterly useless unlike the Once-ler says. But this one is quite colorful with scenes from the book. And it doesn’t use any Truffula trees.

99. Make your guests feel right at home with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Unlike some of the other wreaths, this yarn one isn’t too flashy. Just has his trademark hat and a bowtie.

100. Be a maven in the kitchen with this Lorax apron.

Well, it depicts some Truffula trees. Hope none of them get cut down. Oh, wait, they do.

The Great Wide Whimsical World of Dr. Seuss Costumes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 24, 2017

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With their rhyming schemes, illogical logic, fantastical buildings, nonsensical vocabulary, and spectacular illustrations, the works of Dr. Seuss have entertained generations of children for 80 years with And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. Since then, Dr. Seuss would write more than 60 books which would sell over 600 million copies and be translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death. They’ve also spawned numerous adaptations such as 11 TV specials, 4 feature films, 2 Broadway musicals, and 4 TV shows. Many of these books have become literary classics for the ages like The Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who!, If I Ran the Zoo, Fox in Socks, Hop on Pop, I Had Trouble Getting to Solla Sollew, The Lorax, The Battle Butter Book, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Born Theodore Seuss Geisel in Springfield, Massachusetts, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his days at Dartmouth and Oxford, the latter from which he dropped out from to work as an illustrator and cartoonist for Vanity Fair, Life, and other publications. Though to be fair, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his Dartmouth days in the 1920s so he can continue working as editor-in-chief for The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern under the administration’s nose. Because they caught him drinking gin in his room with 9 of his buddies and told him to resign from all extracurricular activities, including the magazine. Yet, he also worked as an illustrator for Standard Oil’s advertising campaigns and a political cartoonist for the New York newspaper PM. Nevertheless, Dr. Seuss’s books surely belong to a world of their own. Though he never had kids of his home and kind of hated them, his kids’ books are still being read to this day.

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Since Dr. Seuss’s work is so significant in children’s literature, the National Education Association has adopted his birthday March 2, as Read Across the America Day. And it’s not unusual to see many elementary school teachers dress up in Dr. Seuss costumes or decorate their rooms to fit into Dr. Seuss’s world of fantastical whimsy. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you an assortment of Dr. Seuss costumes by his fans of all ages.

As you can see, you’ll find plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, these seem simple enough with One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Unfortunately, the Star Trek version is Gold Shirt, Blue Shirt, Red Shirt Dead Shirt.

2. You can’t stop until you have 10 apples on top.

I’m not familiar with this book. Guess it’s one of the Dr. Seuss’s more obscure works.

3. You can’t celebrate Christmas without looking like the latest thing in Whoville.

Nevertheless, I may not be a fan of fashion magazines. But I’d certainly would love to see what one in Whoville looks like. Also, like the hair.

4. For a simpler costume, may I suggest Daisy Head Mayzie?

Never heard of this book either. Then again, it was originally published in 1995, 4 years after Dr. Seuss died.

5. Horton always insists on keeping his word because an an elephant is always faithful 100%.

This is from Horton Hatches the Egg where he agrees to sit on the egg for an irresponsible bird name Mayzie as she takes a trip to Palm Beach. Yet, the Horton Hears a Who costume is far more common.

6. “I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees.”

Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen to him and turned the Truffula forest into a wasteland out of greed. Still, this is a cute costume.

7. How about try some green eggs and ham?

Yes, Sam I Am is certainly a popular costume. However, though harmless in the Seuss world, nobody should eat green eggs and ham, which can make you vomit.

8. Nobody can resist this star-bellied Sneetch.

However, know that this sneetch has a star on its belly to exude its racial superiority over the bare-bellied ones. Because star-bellied sneetches are racist.

9. Would you like green eggs and ham?

Yes, it’s another Sam I Am costume. And yes, it has a fork in his green eggs and ham.

10. Looks like she has a wocket in her pocket.

That’s from a book about strange creatures living in a boy’s house. Still, this is adorable.

11. You better listen to the Lorax and not cut Truffula Trees for thneeds.

Because the Lorax doesn’t mess around. Too bad the Oncler is more concerned with growing his business to even care.

12. I bet this little Grinch wants to steal Christmas.

He even has a stuffed dog with reindeer antlers. Love the green fur.

13. Thidwick, the Big-Hearted Moose always has room on his antlers.

Though the creatures residing on his head are basically taking advantage of him. Still, this a Seuss costume you don’t normally see.

14. Even the Grinch can’t resist this little Cindylou Who.

This one just consists of a pink shirt, a cute hairstyle, and black pipe cleaners. So adorable.

15. The Lorax loves hanging out with the Bar-ba-loots and the Once-ler.

Though keep in mind, the Once-ler never shows his face. Still, these are cute.

16. Now this is a literal Cat in the Hat.

Though she’s probably one of the cats who come out of the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Yet, it’s surely an inventive costume.

17. Up on Mount Crumpet, Max the Grinch’s only friend.

Even has an antler on his head. Nevertheless, this is a pretty simple costume to make.

18. As we all know the Cat in the Hat is accompanied by Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, I had to put in the Cat in the Hat at some point. After all, it’s Dr. Seuss’s most famous book.

19. There’s something fishy about this little girl.

I have to admit this is quite clever. Like how it just consists of fish on a yellow dress.

20. Horton will always try to preserve Whoville since a person’s a person, no matter how small.

Here’s the Horton Hears a Who costume. This one just consists of ears, T-shirt, and an air vent pipe.

21. The Cat in the Hat never leaves without the Things.

Helps if the Cat in the Hat has his blue umbrella. Still, the things are so sweet.

22. These things were born to teach.

Yes, these are elementary school teachers dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they didn’t use any blue hair.

23. These Truffula trees will never leave their Lorax or Bar-ba-loot behind.

Well, the Truffala trees look easy for the parents. Hope they don’t see the Oncler any time soon.

24. Have you ever seen a fox in socks?

Nice she has the book with her. Still, Fox in Socks doesn’t really have much of a plot since it’s a beginner book.

25. Hope you enjoy this green eggs and ham.

In the Seuss world, green eggs and ham is mostly harmless. In the real world, such a dish needs thrown out since it can cause trichinosis.

26. Dr. Seuss is always a hit for the whole family.

Consists of the Cat in the Hat, the Grinch, the Lorax, and the Fish in the Bowl. Like how they used the wagon.

27. Wearing socks on your limbs is always foxy.

Yes, it’s another fox in socks. But this one has bigger ears and a shorter tail.

28. My, that’s a beautiful Truffula tree.

This one has a pink tuff and a long striped dress. Hope she doesn’t run into the Oncler anytime soon.

29. Don’t mess with the Lorax or the Truffula trees.

Even has a Truffula tree to carry. Like the fuzzy yellow whiskers. Brilliant.

30. The fish in the bowl is always a voice of reason.

Well, at least in the cartoon. Then again, it might be a different Dr. Seuss fish.

31. Wouldn’t any girl want to have a daisy on her head?

Sure it’s another Daisy Head Mayzie. But I guess it’s an easier costume to do.

32. There’s a lot to love with this Lorax family.

Well, this is more from the CGI movie since a couple of the characters aren’t in the original book. Also, we only see the Once-ler’s hands.

33. You’re never too old for Fox in Socks.

Then again, she’s probably a teacher. But this fox costume doesn’t seem to require much.

34. You’ll find a lot of things in this family.

There’s even a Thing Mom. So who’s the Thing Dad? Maybe I don’t want to think about it.

35. This fuzzy little Lorax just wants you to stop exploiting Truffula trees.

Well, the Lorax is furry and has a fuzzy mustache. So this kind of sticks.

36. Here we have Sam I Am with green eggs and ham.

Helps if the green eggs and ham are on a skillet. Though they wouldn’t pass health inspection.

37. Nothing pleases like a happy star-bellied sneetch.

Except having to integrate with a bare-bellied sneetch. Yet, this is a clever costume.

38. Seems like this family really takes to Dr. Seuss on Halloween.

Consists of the Grinch, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, Cat in the Hat, Cindylou Who, and Things 1 and 2. So sweet.

39. Yertle the Turtle seeks to rule all turtle kind.

By the way, Yertle the Turtle is a stand-in for Adolf Hitler. He makes the other turtles stand up so he can see further and expand his kingdom.

40. The Cat in the Hat always knows where it’s at.

Still, while he might be a fun guy, he can show up without warning. Also, doesn’t seem to care most of the time.

41. How about some green eggs to go with that ham?

That’s a rather inventive costume. Still, kids, don’t eat green eggs and ham. It’s unsanitary and could make you deathly ill.

42. Celebrate Christmas with Cindylou Who and the Grinch.

Well, these are adult costumes. But hope the Grinch doesn’t steal your Christmas. Oh, wait, he can’t.

43. A black cat should always have a long striped hat and a red bow tie.

This is a Cat in the Hat tutu costume for women. Not my cup of tea but not bad.

44. You can always count on Horton to lend a helping hand.

After all, he’ll save Whoville if it’s the last thing he does. By the way, this is a Horton tutu costume.

45. Daisy Head Mayzie can always do with a flower on her head.

Once again, I’m not familiar with Daisy Head Mayzie. But this is kind of cute.

46. You’d almost think this Lorax could scare off a lumberjack.

Though the Lorax didn’t exactly carry a bag with him. Still, this is most likely a kid’s costume.

47. A Cat in the Hat should always stun.

Yet, another tutu Cat in the Hat costume. Because he’s such an iconic Dr. Seuss character.

48. She must be from the punk side of Whoville.

What else could explain that distinctive hair style? Still, I think it’s quite clever.

49. Green eggs should always go with the ham.

And yet some green eggs and ham costumes. But these go together as a group.

50. The family that always reads Dr. Seuss together stays together.

Consists of Cat in the Hat, Sam I Am, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, and Things 1 and 2. Love this.

51. Nobody can ever forget the Cat in the Hat’s sidekicks Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, these kids are cute. But the white makeup seems to provide a creepiness to them.

52. Cindylou Who always looks perky in pink.

Well, this is more of a pink Santa dress. But it’s certainly appropriate.

53. The Lorax always feels at home in the woods.

After all, the Lorax speaks for the trees. Hope he doesn’t see any loggers nearby.

54. This cat’s hat really stands out.

Helps if he has a little fish in the bowl as a trick or treat bag. So adorable.

55. There’s something fishy about this guy.

Mostly because he’s the Fish in the Bowl from the Cat in the Hat. And he usually serves as the voice of reason.

56. Thing 1 and Thing 2 always enjoy the classroom.

I suppose these are elementary school teachers. Like the tutus.

57. Cindylou Who surely hopes to join the Christmas festivities.

Well, that’s cute. Love the little red cape and the Who hairstyle.

58. Nobody can resist little Cindylou Who with a large red bauble.

Well, she at least has pigtails and long lines in her hair. So adorable.

59. Seems like we have all kinds of fish in this bowl.

There’s one fish, two fish, red fish, and a blue fish. Just like that Dr. Seuss book.

60. I’m sure you’d want to cuddle this little star-bellied Sneetch.

Of course, this kid probably has no idea what the Sneetches story is about yet. Yet, so cute.

61. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are always at your service.

Don’t tell me that they have sexy costumes of Dr. Seuss characters. Because Dr. Seuss should never be sexy. His books are for children for God’s sake.

62. Yertle is the king of all turtle kind.

However, Yertle is obsessed with expanding his power that he’s willing to exploit his fellow turtles for his own benefit. He’s not a nice guy.

63. Who children are always up for a Christmas parade.

After all, everyone in Whoville loved Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just north of Whoville, did not.

64. These things always get around on all fours.

Yes, these are dog Thing 1 and Thing 2 costumes. And yes, I’m sure someone would find them cute.

65. I thought there are only supposed to be 2 Things not 3.

Then again, if you want to dress in the same costume, who’s going to stop you. Still, have to put them on the post.

66. Cindylou Who shine in her candy cane dress.

Sure it’s an adult Christmas costume. But it’s cute nonetheless. Like the hair.

67. We seem to find all kinds of fish here.

Includes, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, and new fish. And it seems they’re all teachers.

68. When you’re a thing, you got to have blue hair.

Seems like it to these girls. They even have blue tutus to match.

69. This Lorax family always speaks for the trees.

Consists of the Once-ler, a Truffula tree, the Lorax, and a Bar-ba-loot. Yet, remember we never see the Once-ler’s face.

70. Whos always know how to party.

This is especially during the Christmas season. And these two are going all out.

71. You’ll surely know what kind of fish these are.

Just remember the rhyme of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. Simple as that.

72. What’s a Whoville girl without a crazy hairdo and dress?

I mean we should know how Who women and girls dress. But this is so adorable.

73. Bet you’ve never seen Truffula trees like these.

Sure they may seem pretty now. But as far as the Once-ler is concerned, they’re resources to be shamelessly exploited.

74. Seems like this Lorax is meant for a different forest.

Once again, please don’t make Dr. Seuss sexy. Seriously, his books are for children!

75. A Sneetch should have an ample amount of feathers.

Well, this doesn’t appear to be a difficult costume. Yet, we all know why she wears her star on her torso with pride.

76. What’s with that daisy, Mayzie?

Actually, it’s supposed to grow out of her head. I know it’s crazy. But hey, this is the Seuss verse.

77. The Once-ler is a man with great style.

Well, he certainly rocks in that green, striped suit. Yet, we all know how he got a hold of it.

78. Who can ever forget Gertrude McFuzz and her spectacular tail?

Gertrude McFuzz is a story about a bird who feels inadequate in her tail feathers. So she tries to change herself. This is the result.

79. Hope you can join Cindylou Who and the Grinch for Christmas time.

Though the Grinch would prefer you not to, especially when he’s wearing that humiliating sweater. Though the guy looks pretty cool in his costume.

80. The Once-ler can always rock it with his electric guitar.

Well, this is more from the movie. But yes, he certainly looks great in his green suit, indeed.

81. Perhaps you might like a bite of his green eggs and ham?

I’m sure you can’t resist this little guy as Sam I Am. So sweet.

82. The Once-ler’s quite taken with that Truffula tree.

Hey, Truffula Tree, don’t go near him. He wants to cut you down and make you into a thneed.

83. This little Lorax loves a fuzzy tree.

Doesn’t hurt if his costume is fuzzy either. But he speaks for the trees. So cute.

84. It’s only fair for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to wear red dresses.

Not too bad. But at least it doesn’t look like the sexy version. Like how they’re wearing blue leggings.

85. Of course, Cindylou Who can have yellow hair strands.

Yet, she still wears pink and has a red bauble with her. So sweet.

86. Well, these two Whos are in the Christmas spirit.

Apparently, some people like to dress up as Whos during the Christmas season. But these costumes are at least green and red.

87. Here are some Whoville children in their back to school best.

Funny how the Grinch is wearing a suit. Yet, wonder how long it takes Whoville women to do their hair.

88. Hope this costume reminds you of all the places you’ll go.

It’s from the Dr. Seuss book people get for their graduations. But she certainly resembles the cover.

89. Is that a Noothbrush?

Well, it’s kind of hard to explain since it appears in There’s a Wocket in My Pocket. Nevertheless, it’s an interesting choice.

90. Perhaps you might want to check out this fish suit.

It’s more or less supposed to reflect One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Still, it’s pretty creative.

91. One wonders all the places this little guy goes.

Helps if it’s a box with balloons. Still, this baby is so cute in it.

92. Yertle is always lord of all turtles.

This is a more plain version. But then again, the turtles all looked the same in the story.

93. Nobody could resist a fox in socks.

This one has a girl in a red tutu and furry ears. Yet, she is so irresistibly cute.

94. These things always stick together.

Guess this is the couple’s costume of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And both sport red shirts and blue hair.

95. If you’re a bird in Seuss, it’s best that you’re tickled pink.

Then again, Dr. Seuss’s birds look pretty strange. But you have to admire this girl’s feathers.

96. Now here we have a literal Cat in the Hat.

Well, it is a black cat in the hat. But I don’t think it looks too happy to entertain your kids.

97. Nobody could resist this little yellow Sneetch.

Even has a star on its belly. But let’s hope this kid doesn’t make it a mark of superiority. So cute.

98. I’m sure you’d want to hug this little fox.

Yes, Fox in Socks is a popular costume. But you have to love this one, too.

99. Have to love the red bows on this Cindylou Who.

Yes, Cindylou Who has a strong following, especially during the Christmas season Yet, this costume is adorable.

100. This little Fish in the Bowl has his own container.

Okay, that’s pretty clever. Still, you have to feel very bad for him in Cat in the Hat.

Have a Spectacularly Magical Wizarding Harry Potter Christmas

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 4, 2016

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Moving on for my Merry Geekmas themed posts is on to Harry Potter. Unlike franchises like Star Trek and Star Wars, this universe certainly celebrates Christmas as you’ve probably seen in each of the books. This despite the fact that there’s not a lot of talk about Christianity other than the presence of churches in wizard villages as well the Fat Friar ghost. So it’s possible that at least wizards in the HP universe probably do have some degree of religious beliefs. They just don’t talk about them. At any rate, whenever it’s Christmas at Hogwarts, there are usually a brightly decorated trees and decor in the Great Hall even though it may be somewhat empty when students spend the holidays with their families. In Goblet of Fire, the Great Hall Christmas decor was even more spectacular with the Triwizard Tournament going on. As you can see, it was transformed into a winter wonderland for the Yule Ball, which Harry and Ron didn’t enjoy by the way. This especially goes for Ron since he wore a famously ugly dress robe and got pissed off that the girl he liked was going out with a celebrated Quidditch player he had previously gushed over. And he didn’t even realize it while Harry and the readers certainly did. Still, while Harry’s Christmas was more or less a happy occasion in the books before Goblet of Fire, especially the first when he received the Invisibility Cloak and his own Weasley sweater, it becomes darker as the books go on. One noteworthy example would be in The Order of the Phoenix when Nagini attacked Arthur Weasley in the Ministry. Of course, Christmas is certainly not a happy occasion for Neville Longbottom who certainly doesn’t look forward to it. Why? Because Christmas for him usually consists of visiting his parents who were tortured by Deatheaters to the point of insanity that they don’t recognize him. At any rate, there are plenty of Harry Potter fans that celebrate the holiday season in their own magically way possible. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of ways you can have a Harry Potter Christmas.

Now you can celebrate the holidays with your own Harry Potter Weasley sweater.

Each Weasley sweater has a color with the wearer’s first initial. Harry’s is blue. Ron’s is maroon.

2. If you like fantastic beasts, then you’ll adore this baby dragon ornament.

This one is of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback which Hagrid got in the first book. They had to have the little guy sent away. Later had name changed to Norberta.

3. A Patronus ornament will ward off Dementors from your tree.

This one is of a stag which is Harry’s patronus charm. It was also his father’s as well.

4. Hope you can catch the Harry Potter magic this Christmas with this stocking.

This one has Hogwarts, Harry’s lightning bolt scar, and glasses. Is also in red and yellow Gryffindor colors.

5. Be sure to hang up the mistletoe but beware of nargles.

Nargles are creatures Luna Lovegood or her dad might’ve made up. They’re said to live in mistletoe and be quite the little thieves.

6. Fans of the Sorcerer’s Stone might like to have this flying key ornament on their tree.

The flying keys were in the dungeon where the sorcerer’s stone was being held. Yet, Harry spotted the one with the broken wing that fit through the door.

7. Those who like the Chamber of Secrets might want to have a mandrake ornament on their tree.

They’re the plants that look like ugly babies with screams that could kill someone. Yet, they were instrumental in reviving people from being petrified.

8. Looks like this owl has a Hogwarts letter.

Well, it’s an owl ornament with a letter in its beak. Understand that wizards correspond through owl post in these books.

9. Merry Christmas from the Burrow.

As we all know, the Burrow is the Weasley house. However, I doubt that the Weasleys would use electric Christmas light decorations. Then again, Mr. Weasley likes Muggle stuff so it’s kind of believable.

10. Send a seasons greetings with this Harry Potter Christmas card.

This one has Harry as a tree with his glasses, wand, and Gryffindor scarf. And Hedwig is by his side.

11. Dobby is on top of the Christmas tree.

Dobby is wearing a Santa hat. Dobby is ready for Christmas.

12. Now this is a real Hogwarts stocking.

It has the Hogwarts logo and everything. Hope Santa gets a load of this.

13. Nothing makes a great Hogwarts Christmas tree than with the Sorting Hat on top.

However, should a sword fall out when you’re placing the Sorting Hat on top of the Christmas tree, then consider yourself a true Gryffindor. Also, beware of angry goblins from Gringotts.

14. Show your magical side this Christmas with this Harry Potter ugly sweater.

As you can see, it contains almost all the stuff you’d associate with Harry Potter. Contains headwig, his glasses, his scar, his patronus, and the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

15. A Harry Potter ugly sweater like this reflects the true Christmas spirit.

This one features wands, Harry’s glasses, his scar, and the Golden Snitch. All in a background of snowflakes and Christmas trees.

16. Treasure moments of Harry and Dumbledore by the Pensieve with this Hallmark Keepsake ornament on your Christmas tree.

Because nothing says Christmas like looking into people’s unpleasant memories in order to stop Lord Voldemort. This is especially so in the Half-Blood Prince.

17. How about a list that writes itself on your Christmas tree?

Well, Rita Skeeter has her Quick Quotes Quill that writes whatever she wants it to say. Still, I think this is quite clever if you ask me.

18. This Harry Potter tree skirt is a real patchwork.

This seems to be all Harry Potter out. Includes things like Platform 9 3/4, a wand, and Hedwig.

19. For this Harry Potter Christmas, you can’t avoid not wearing this ugly sweater.

Yes, this is another ugly Harry Potter holiday sweater. Yet, this is the most Christmasy one so far.

20. Looks like a doe patronus guides to Godric’s sword in a frozen lake.

We all know that’s Snape doing it since the doe reflects his love for Lily. Ron uses the sword to destroy Slytherin’s locket.

21. For a homey Christmas touch, you might want to go with a gingerbread Burrow.

I had a Burrow gingerbread house in the Harry Potter treat post in March. But this is more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

22. How about a gingerbread Hogwarts Express?

This one doesn’t use much icing at all. Yet, it’s surely in the Harry Potter spirit especially with the 9 3/4.

23. Add a dash of Dark Arts this Christmas with these Unforgivable Curse ornaments.

Because nothing says Christmas like 3 of the most powerful and sinister spells. You know spells that are classified as Unforgivable that they lead to a one way ticket to Azkaban on a life sentence. Except in the later Harry Potter books.

24. Make your Christmas tree more forbidden with vials of unicorn blood.

You know the substance that Voldemort sustained on when he was living in the back of Quirrell’s head. Is forbidden by the Ministry of Magic and will result in the drinker living a half-life, a cursed life.

25. It’s always nice have Christmas with a cozy gingerbread of Hagrid’s hut.

Just remember it’s not very nice on the inside since housekeeping isn’t Hagrid’s strong suit. Still, Harry and his friends don’t seem to mind.

26. Grace your door with this magical Harry Potter Christmas wreath.

This one includes Hedwig, Harry, and a wand. And all are added in what would’ve been an otherwise normal Christmas wreath.

27. Solemnly swear you’re up to no good with this Marauder’s Map Christmas tree skirt.

Those are the words you say in order to open the Marauder’s Map of Hogwarts which can monitor everyone. Makes me wonder why Fred and George didn’t tell Ron about Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew. I mean they had to have known.

28. This howler ornament is well worth the shout out.

After all, nothing says Christmas like a letter from your mom yelling at you after you and your best friend use the family car to get to Hogwarts which crashed into the Whomping Willow. And having that car go rogue ever since. Still, when Mrs. Weasley gets pissed, watch out.

29. For a touch of pink on your tree, this Umbridge ornament has you covered.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she seems to have a scale on her shoulder and is riding a tricycle, which might mean she’s under torture. On the other hand, it might symbolize her authority which would make me cringe.

30. This gingerbread Burrow is all full of Christmas cheer.

Now that seems more like how the Weasleys would decorate their house for the holidays. Like the wreaths on it.

31. An owl on top of a Harry Potter Christmas tree can be especially magical.

This one even has a train track for the Hogwarts Express in the middle as well as a cauldron base. Love the candles surrounding the tree.

32. Guess Hedwig has a little Christmas present.

Well, that’s nice of Hedwig. Wonder who it’s from. I’m guessing Hagrid or the Weasleys.

33. How about a Christmas tree with golden snitches around it?

This one even has cups and spells all over it. Yet, doesn’t use as much light as the other tree did.

34. Relive Harry’s first time in Dumbledore’s office with this Hallmark keepsake ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like being sent to the principal’s office for freaking out a student with a talent you didn’t know you had. Luckily Dumbledore already has an idea of who opened the Chamber of Secrets anyway.

35. This gingerbread Hogwarts is a real Christmas delight.

This one had to be from the Chamber of Secrets since Mr. Weasley’s car is in the Whomping Willow. Don’t worry, it’ll find its way out.

36. This Marauder’s Map tree skirt will show exactly where you need to go.

Yes, this is another Marauder’s Map tree skirt. But this one shows the actual map of Hogwarts.

37. Now this seems like the ultimate Harry Potter Christmas tree.

This one has Hedwig on top, a Gryffindor scarf garland, the Hogwarts logo, and Harry’s Firebolt. Still, is that Scabbers the rat?

38. Any true Harry Potter fan should know where Harry catches the train.

Yes, Platform 9 3/4 it is. Since it’s between Platforms 9 and 10 at the King’s Cross station.

39. Count down to Christmas with your own Harry Potter Advent calendar.

Each day has a surprise inside as well as features an aspect from the series. Like how it has the Great Hall Christmas scene from the first movie.

40. Snape fans would certainly want a Christmas ornament like this.

After all, his doe patronus and “Always” illustrate his undying love for Lily. Though it didn’t encourage Snape to treat Harry better during Potions class.

41. Seems like we have ourselves a little Harry Potter snowman.

This bauble ornament even has a snow Headwig, too. All in all, this is adorable.

42. For a Harry Potter Christmas, nothing’s more golden than the Golden Snitch.

You know what Harry’s charged to catch as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Still, this one seems easy to make.

43. There’s nothing more magical this Christmas like this gingerbread Hogwarts castle.

This one even includes a little Hagrid’s hut, too. Not as intricate as some of the ones I’ve seen, but nonetheless charming.

44. Wake up Christmas morning in your very own ugly Harry Potter pajamas.

Yes, these are ugly Harry Potter PJs for Christmas. Sure they look festive yet, their existence defies all explanation.

45. This gingerbread Hogwarts is an enchanting treat of its own.

Not sure what to think of this one. Then again, maybe I’m more used to looking at Hogwarts from a different angle than this.

46. For Hogwarts pride, feel free to show these ornaments on your tree.

It’s a set that includes the Hogwarts logo along with the 4 Houses. I’m sure none of these come cheap.

47. How about topping your Christmas tree with a golden snitch.

Well, that’s a bright golden snitch, all right. Yet, the fact it’s made from gold wires and lights certainly helps.

48. For a more magical Christmas, you might want to go with this Christmas wreath.

This one has owls, stars, quill, and a scroll with writing. Certainly a Harry Potter Christmas wreath if there was one.

49. Pick a stocking for Christmas that’s respective of your Hogwarts House.

Wonder if any of the students have stockings like these at Hogwarts. Wouldn’t be surprised.

50. A Harry Potter Christmas tree always has to have some big lanterns near the bottom.

Yet, another Harry Potter Christmas tree. At least it can bring out some degree of light. Or maybe not.

51. These Harry Potter Christmas gingerbread cookies are magically tasty.

Say hello to the Harry Potter Christmas cookie assortment. Includes Dumbledore in a Santa hat long with stockings and Hogwarts.

52. Show your support for the Dark Lord with this Dark Mark ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like pledging your support for Lord Voldemort and killing people to promote pureblood supremacy. This is just crazy.

53. Never forget anything again with this remembrall ornament.

It’s a clear ball that turns red if you forget something. But as Neville said, he sometimes doesn’t remember what he’s forgotten.

54. This gingerbread Hogwarts is pure winter wonderland.

This one has the roof covered in snow. Even has Harry and his friends, too.

55. Nothing sets your Christmas tree brewing like these potion ornaments.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a date rape drug, a truth serum, a potion that makes you change into someone else for an hour, or one that brings good luck. Seriously, if you don’t understand me, read the books.

56. Select the ornament that best represents your Hogwarts House.

Yes, they have baubles for Hogwarts houses, too. This one is a more simplified image than most.

57. Anyone who likes Harry’s DADA teachers may enjoy these ornaments.

These seem to consist of cat plates, board questions, Moody’s magic eye, chocolate bars, Lockhart’s books, a boggart box, and Scabbers. You can guess which things belong to which one.

58. Feast your eyes on these Hogwarts snowflakes.

Each one is the color of a Hogwarts House. Hogwarts snowflake is the exception since it represents the whole school.

59. Make your Christmas tree fiery by topping it with a phoenix.

You can imagine that Dumbledore probably has a Christmas tree like this in his office. Or at least he should.

60. Drink your Christmas coffee with this Deathly Hallows yuletide mug.

It has the Deathly Hallows symbol as a Christmas tree. That has to be bloody brilliant as Ron would say.

61. Make your Christmas magical with this Deathly Hallows wreath at your door.

This is a lovely evergreen imprint of the Deathly Hallows which might not be too hard to make. And it’s topped with a bow.

62. For a more golden wreath, this one got you covered.

This one contains Deathly Halllows symbols, golden snitches, and scrolls. All on a wreath of pine cones.

63. Guess this pillow shows what a lot of Harry Potter fans want for Christmas.

Yes, we all want our Hogwarts letter so we can go to that wizarding school to learn magic. But it’s also a pretty dangerous place compared to most Muggle schools.

64. How about grace your magical Christmas tree with some wizarding correspondence?

Consists of a Ministry of Magic flyer, Harry’s letter from Hogwarts, the Marauder’s Map, and a Malfada Hopkirk letter. The last one I had to look up.

65. Merry Christmas courtesy of the Marauder’s Map.

Well, at least the Marauders know how to get into the holiday spirit. Though this card can use some more decoration.

66. Hope you have a Merry Christmas that’s stronger than death.

After all, this is a card that features a Deathly Hallows Christmas tree. If you’ve read all the books, you should know what it stands for.

67. Don’t forget to wish your Muggle loved ones a merry Christmas.

After all, Muggles are people, too, you know. They just can’t do any magic.

68. At Hogwarts, it’s usually Hagrid who has to play Santa.

After all, he’s half-giant and the biggest guy at Hogwarts. Like how he has Fang in reindeer antlers and a Santa hat.

69. These engraved ornaments will help you show your Hogwarts pride.

Aside from the Hogwarts one, each represents a House. But be careful with them.

70. This Harry Potter ornament display will surely bring out the magic.

However, I’m not sure if this is doable at home. But it’s a great Christmas display so it goes on this post.

71. Show your Hogwarts pride with this ugly Christmas sweater.

It’s maroon in order to look more official. But simply something Dumbledore would approve of.

72. This ugly Christmas sweater really has the Harry Potter magic.

Yes, there are a lot of Harry Potter ugly Christmas sweaters out there. This one has the basic symbols covered.

73. Anyone would be greatly enchanted with this gingerbread Hogwarts.

It even lights up from the inside. Still, certainly seems more realistic than some. Amazing.

74. Remember, the cupboard under the stairs is only used for hiding Christmas presents.

Not as a room for an orphaned nephew you hate, as the Dursleys learned the hard way. Yeah, that’s pretty awful.

75. As Dumbledore said, turning on Christmas lights can go a long way.

Okay, Dumbledore didn’t quite say that in the books. But you get the idea.

76. Remember, Dobby always appreciates getting Christmas cards.

Okay, I don’t think the Malfoys would give Dobby a Christmas card. But this is adorable.

77. Hope you can wish Merry Christmas to even a filthy Muggle.

Don’t worry, Muggles, that’s just a term of endearment in the wizarding world. Still, I think it’s funny.

78. Merry Christmas and turn to page 394 courtesy of Snape.

You have to hear this in Alan Rickman’s voice from the movies to get it. The way he says it is just golden.

79. This Christmas tree skirt is ideal for any Gryffindor common room.

Well, it’s more Harry Potter. But since he’s in Gryffindor, it’s red and gold.

80. Perhaps you can hang one of these Hogwarts stockings on your fireplace.

Aside from the black Hogwarts one, each stocking represents a house. Choose the one that suits you best.

81. This Hogwarts Christmas sweater is sure to delight in its vibrant colors.

This one consists of vibrant sleeves that are striped with black, blue, red, green, and yellow. They represent the Hogwarts houses.

82. Snape always believes in Santa.

I’m not sure if he even does because I have a hard time picturing it. But this is a good card.

83. Always wish a happy Christmas to S.P.E.W.

In Harry Potter, S.P.E.W. stands for Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Hermione started it as a way to help house elves though she didn’t know what she was getting into at the time.

84. When in Hogsmeade, you can’t celebrate the holiday season without butterbeer.

Yes, I don’t get the thing about butterbeer in Harry Potter. But this shirt is surely in the Christmas spirit.

85. Hope you like to see Moaning Myrtle on toilet seat this Christmas.

My guess is that she doesn’t really mean, “wand” here. Still, she’s a teenage ghost, what do you expect?

86. Guess this Christmas tree really brings out the Hogwarts spirit.

I think this one was featured in a British news website. Was said to get a lot of buzz. Like how they used the house colors.

87. Nothing brings the Christmas spirit like hanging these Harry Potter ornaments on your tree.

This is a rare set that might’ve came out before the movies. As the illustrations indicate.

88. Nobody should celebrate Christmas without a tree of Snape.

Yes, there are a lot of huge Snape fans out there. But this one really takes the cake. Yeah, not sure if Snape really shows the Christmas spirit.

89. Celebrate the holiday season with this magically ugly Harry Potter Christmas sweater.

You can understand there aren’t a lot of limits to how many Harry Potter ugly sweaters there are. But this one is in a rich red with the Deathly Hallows mark.

90. If you like Mrs. Weasley, perhaps grace this sweater ornament on her tree.

Because her sweater is simply amazing. Just have to love the colors on those sleeves.

91. Don’t worry, this stag patronus stocking will protect you over the holidays.

After all, we all know it’s Harry’s patronus. Should keep the Dementors from sucking out your soul.

92. Hope this Harry Potter sweater puts you in a Christmas mood.

Yet, another ugly Christmas sweater. There just seems no stop to it.

93. Dumbledore believes you can never have enough socks.

Well, Dumbledore can seem like an eccentric old guy at first. But he’s not one to be messed with.

94. Choose your crocheted house tree skirt wisely.

Does each house Christmas tree have their own unique tree skirt? Not sure if I’d want to know that.

95. A Harry Potter tree like this is simply golden.

Well, this one has lightning bolts and Quidditch hoops on it. There are even some golden snitches, too.

96. All these ornaments bear the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

And they’re all in a variety of different colors. Must be for Xenophilius Lovegood’s Christmas tree.

97. Each of these ornaments come in one of its house colors.

And there seem to be about 2 for each color and 12 in total. Do I need to tell you which house each one belongs to?

98. Hang these ornaments on your tree of Harry Potter and his friends.

These baubles depict Harry, Ron, and Hermione on broomsticks. Got to love these.

99. How about a stocking like this for a magical Christmas?

Like the ornament set, this too, might’ve been around before the movies came out. But it certainly fits the magical mood to say the least.

100. Looks like the Hogwarts Express pulled in for the holidays.

Sure it’s just the train station at Hogwarts. But it’s certainly a delightful design. I’ll take it.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Fifth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 3, 2016

As an aspiring writer, I know getting a book published is a very difficult endeavor since you have the pitch the idea and even if you do everything right and your book is good, there’s a chance you’d still face rejection. However, there are so many books out there that make the whole thing seem so easy because they don’t seem that good to begin with. Yes, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but sometimes you can’t help yourself. Sometimes you might see a book with a crazy design. Sometimes it might have a crazy title. Or occasionally it might have a design that might send the wrong message. And then there are covers for classic books that don’t exactly correspond with what the story is really about. But whatever the case, I managed to get about 4 posts out of them because you keep finding more. So for your reading pleasure, I present you with another treasure trove of questionable book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. As you might see from the previous editions.

Fashion Cats by Takako Iwasa

I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

Because Fluffy always needs to look up to date on the latest styles.

2. How to Teach Physics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn’t mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn’t mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Since Rover needs to know the average amount of force it takes for you to throw the ball.

3. How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Doug Richmond

Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Very handy for anyone going into witness protection or are simply trying to hide from the law.

4. Social Sciences by Dave Daggett

However, it’s said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

If you want to know how sunbeams can be extracted from cucumbers, this is the book for you.

5. Manifold Destiny: The One, the Only Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn’t that mess up the engine? Seriously, it’s only going to make your mechanic happy.

For those hungry travelers stranded on the open road and miles away from the nearest gas station, this is for you.

6. Strangers Have the Best Candy by Margaret Meps Schulte

Fortunately, this isn’t a children’s book but a travelogue about a woman’s interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

With the possible exception of Mr. Creepers and his windowless van.

7. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don’t think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Complete with Tolstoy’s deleted scene with naked lesbians.

8. Jesus on Mars by Philip Jose Farmer

Also, Jesus doesn’t seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn’t have any trees.

Will Jesus save the little green men? Or will they shoot him with laser beams?

9. The Princess Bitchface Syndrome: Surviving Adolescent Girls by Michael Carr-Gregg

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn’t describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn’t.

Because let’s face, adolescent girls are just a pain in the ass.

10. My Beautiful Mommy by Michael Alexander Salzhauer and illustrated by Victor Gulza

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could’ve handled the subject better. For instance, the author could’ve had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Or how to stay positive when your mom goes through plastic surgery because she has severe self-esteem issues about her looks.

11. Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way by Michael Young

From Mental-Floss: “Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book.”

Now you can learn how to ruthlessly manage a dental practice like a 13th century Mongolian.

12. Betty Zane by Zane Grey

It’s actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother’s home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

Guess this is about what Betty Zane wants for Christmas.

13. Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Let me guess, kind of a sci-fi, space fantasy flick.

14. The Madam as an Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution by Barbara Sherman Heyl

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

Also known as, “The Woman’s Guide on How to Succeed in Whorehouse Management.”

15. Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don’t know. There’s something not right here.

Oh, no, not the tractor loving guys again.

16. The Mother Truckers by Marcus Miller

Because I don’t see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

So I guess Gay Biker Boys in Bondage was already taken.

17. Gay Traders by Aaron Thomas

Then again, “Gay Traders” probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it’s more of a shower orgy than anything.

Featuring the least gay group shower scene ever despite the title.

18. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain

No, I don’t think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It’s supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God’s sake.

Wait a minute, I don’t think that Camelot is supposed to be in outer space.

19. Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Creative Thinking by Tom Montahan

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn’t help either. Sorry, but I don’t think a self-help book cover is supposed to give me nightmares.

Because nothing brings out creative thinking than performing some self-inflicted horrific brain surgery.

20. Carma Sutra: The Auto-Erotic Handbook by Alan Games and Esther Seisdon

Yes, this book exists. And I really don’t want to know what’s in it. Really, I don’t think there’s a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Now you can explore your sex life without having to ask, “Your place or mine?”

21. The Emerald City of Oz by L. Frank Baum

No, I don’t think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn’t seem very green to me.

Man, Emerald City doesn’t look so green these days.

22. Yoga for Equestrians: A New Path for Achieving Union with the Horse by Linda Benedik and Veronica Wirth

Seems like they’d promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

For those who wish to do yoga while on horseback, this is the book for you.

23. The Relaxed Rabbit: Massage for Your Pet Bunny by Chandra Moira Beal, RMT and Maia

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Now you can learn how to give massages to Flopsy.

24. Learning to Play with a Lion’s Testicles: Unexpected Gifts from the Animals from Africa by Melissa Haynes

Sure it’s about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it’s a very stupid way to die.

Actually learning to play with a lion’s testicles is incredibly easy: don’t.

25. My Darling, My Hamburger by Paul Zindel

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she’ll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

A steamy romance novel where “do you want fries with that” has multiple connotations.

26. If God Loves Me, Then Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? by Lorraine Petersen

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would’ve thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

God: Maybe you just got the wrong combination numbers. That’s why.

27. Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat

I don’t think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he’s kind of freaked out by it.

As if Knitting with Dog Hair wasn’t the most insane craft book already.

28. Natural Bust Enhancement with Total Mind Power by Donald Wilson, M.D.

From Mental Floss: “Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, ‘You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'”

Because why go through surgery when you can get bigger boobs by just using your mind?

29. Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigation Made Easy by John Q. Newman

Still, given how “dick” has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

After all, if you think your husband’s cheating on you, why waste money hiring a guy to follow him when you can do it yourself?

30. Extreme Ironing by Phil Shaw

Now it’s one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That’s just ridiculous.

Featuring pictures of people going to extreme lengths to iron their clothes.

31. Pet Goats and Pap Smears: 101 Medical Adventures to Open Your Mind and Heart by Pamela Wible, M.D.

I know this is supposed to be a medical story book. But the goat’s placement is very freaky to me. Seriously.

I really don’t think a goat is a great place for a gynecologist’s office.

32. You Don’t Have to Be Gay: Hope and Freedom for Males Struggling with Homosexuality or for Those Who Know Someone Who Is by J. A. Konrad

This book basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you're gay, you don't have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there's nothing wrong with being gay.

This garbage basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you’re gay, you don’t have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Because, men, why do you have to come out of the closet and accept it as your sexual identity when you could just go through the self-hating process of gay conversion therapy?

33. A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago by Ben Hecht

No, I don’t think Chicago is a barren desert since it’s in the Great Lakes region. Also, it’s kind of flat.

Yes, read Ben Hecht’s account about surviving in one of the harshest deserts of Illinois.

34. The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G.K. Chesterton

Wait a minute, the English landscape doesn’t look like that. That’s seems like something you’d see in the Rockies.

Apparently, Notting Hill is known for its tall snow-capped mountains and vast bodies of water.

35. The Thing about Georgie by Lisa Graff

What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it's about a kid who hung himself? Seriously, this is insane!

What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it’s about a kid who hung himself! Seriously, this is bound to traumatize children!

Apparently, a children’s novel about childhood suicide, published by Scholastic.

36. How to Kill Your Girlfriend’s Cat Again by Dr. Robert Daphne

Look, guys, if you don’t like your girlfriend’s cat either put up with it until it dies or break up with her. Because many people see killing your girlfriend’s cat as a major relationship dealbreaker.

Another thing that’s incredibly easy to do: don’t. Seriously, Dwight Schrute learned the hard way by putting one of Angela’s cats in the freezer.

37. Why Isn’t God Giving Cash Prizes? by Lorraine Peterson

I wish tell Lorraine Peterson that she really needs a better cover designer, considering the titles. How about God calling out lotto numbers?

Because God doesn’t play favorites and thinks cash is just a human invention.

38. Daisy Miller and Other Stories by Henry James

Sorry, but I don’t think Daisy Miller was a desert dwelling kick ass assassin. She was probably some turn of the century society woman whose parents made her participate in some institutionalized gold digging.

Look out, Henry James’s Daisy Miller is packing heat.

39. My Big Lie by Bill Cosby

Of course, everyone knows what Little Bill's big lie is, which he's been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children's section.

Of course, everyone knows what Big Bill’s big lie is, which he’s been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children’s section.

Think about as a children’s book version of Confessions of a Date Rapist.

40. The Legends of King Arthur and His Knights by James Knowles

This picture seems like it was taken straight off from some book about the Napoleonic Wars. Or the War of 1812. Not sure about the color of these uniforms.

No, I don’t think medieval knights dressed like that in battle.

41. Does God Speak Through Cats? by David Evans

From Mental Floss: “This is one of those pressing questions the Bible, the Torah, and the Qu’ran all neglected to answer.” Apparently, the ridiculous cat books seem to be endless.

The kind of question crazy cat lovers have been asking for centuries.

42. The Lull Before Dorking

It’s actually a collection of 1871 British pamphlets. “Dorking” here might mean either market in South London or a 5-toed domestic fowl. I’m not sure which.

Apparently, this isn’t a prequel to the Big Bang Theory.

43. My Angelica by Carol Lynch Williams

Yeah, I don’t think teenage girls should have Harlequin romance fantasies. Sparkly vampires would be more age appropriate.

Because trashy romance novelists were once 12-year-olds, too.

44. How to Poo on a Date:The Lovers’ Guide to Toilet Etiquette by Mats and Enzo

Really? Do we really need a book on how to poop on a date? Can’t just going to the restroom be good enough?

For when you’re in a romantic mood and have to do a No.2.

45. The New Radiation Recipe Book

Learn how to make meals such as 3 headed sheep, Chernobyl casserole, China Syndrome chicken, and Westinghouse salad. Dishes might cause radiation sickness though.

Featuring the finest cuisine straight from Three Mile Island.

46. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

While Rebecca does have some romance, it’s not exactly what I call a romance novel. Mostly because I don’t find Manderley an ideal romantic setting. Quite the opposite.

Because there’s nothing sexy like a young wife with a massive lack of self-esteem who’s constantly harassed by the maid and her middle aged husband who yells at her all the time without explaining why.

47. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

This cover is more suited for a business textbook than a Jane Austen novel. I don’t think the Dashwood sisters are pros at customer service.

Uh, I don’t think that looks early 19th century to me.

48. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Hell, even having a Nazis or a swastika on the cover would be more appropriate than a domino set. This doesn’t set the right mood.

This is about a young girl who lives in Nazi Germany, not a pulpy detective story.

49. Treat Your Neck by Robin McKenzie

From Mental Floss: “In the days before hypochondriacs could be satisfied (or spurred on) by a quick WebMD search for symptoms like “stiff elbow” or “sore ankles,” Spinal Publications New Zealand Ltd. and physical therapist Robin McKenzie released a handy paperback guide to self-care for all neck-related problems. Reviews of the book range from “highly recommend!” to a warning that some of the exercises might be “quite harmful” to those with pre-existing arthritis. Exercise caution when reading.”

Finally, a book about combating neck pain.

50. Daughters of Eve by Lois Duncan

This looks like something that’s straight out of a men’s rights activist’s nightmares. Seriously, feminists don’t usually hate men, they just hate how the male-dominated system treats them.

Watch out, girls, the teen feminist cultists are coming for you!

51. Venusia by Mark von Schlegell

Believe it or not, this was the original Hooters girl costume design. It was rejected for obvious reasons.

Lady owls have never looked so sexy before.

52. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

No, there weren’t any naked women riding on horseback in this book. This painting has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

What the hell is Lady Godiva doing here? This book takes place in the early 19th century for God’s sake!

53. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Look, if a classic doesn’t have a naked lady in the text, don’t put one on the cover. People might mistake it for something else, adolescent boys in particular.

So where do we meet the naked lady in this one?

54. Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos Volume I by H.P. Lovecraft

Seriously, we all should know that Cthulhu is more of a menacing sea creature than anything. Why they put a skull, is anyone’s guess.

Uh, I don’t think Cthulhu is a steaming skull.

55. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Makes it hard to believe that this story inspired Bladerunner. Yeah, the cover makes it seem quite lame.

Here’s a case where the cover designer took the title way too literally.

56. Sexual Harassment at Work by Sue Read

However, do we really need an image of a guy playing grab ass? That’s disturbing.

Well, at least you can see what this book is actually talking about.

57. Wildlife Contraception: Issues, Methods, and Applications edited by Cheryl S. Asa and Ingrid J. Porton

Of course, when it comes to deer, one of the best ways to control their population is to shoot them. Natural predators exist for a reason, people.

Because when it comes to controlling the wild animal population spay and neuter won’t do.

58. The Thermodynamics of Pizza: Essays on Science and Everyday Life by Harold J. Morowitz

At Saint Vincent, I thought my chemistry in daily life class would be about stuff like this. Turns out, it was about nutritional content, specifically what chemical inbalances lead to Type II Diabetes.

For those who want to know the heat distribution of pizza. But it might not help those who seek to know the same about hot pockets.

59. What Shat That? A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity by Matt Pagett

I can imagine that this might be a rather useful book. But would anyone want to use it? It’s literally full of shit.

The handy guide that will help you determine whether a bear really did shit in the woods.

60. The Spirit of the Border by Zane Grey

It’s a historical novel based on events centering around the Ohio River Valley in the late 18th century. Focuses on a guy who dedicated his life on Native American destruction and protecting white settlement. Not anything cuddly.

I don’t think this book has anything to do with kitties on a tree.

Hogwarts Teacher Evaluations by Albus Dumbledore

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 1, 2016

Dumbledore's_speech_at_the_Great_Hall_in_1996

Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.

Feast in the Great Hall with These Harry Potter Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 15, 2016

hogwarts-vday

The wizarding world of Harry Potter has all kinds of food and places to eat. At Hogwarts, the Great Hall always has food magically prepared on one’s dish as well as a feast on both the start and end of the terms as well as on Halloween and Christmas. Sure the food may be prepared by house elves but they don’t talk about it much. Outside Hogwarts, you have places like the Leaky Cauldron and Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor at Diagon Alley as well as a few in Hogsmeade like the Three Broomsticks Inn, the Hog’s Head (which is tended by Dumbledore’s brother), and Honeydukes Sweetshop. You also had the tea cart on the Hogwarts Express. As for cuisine, well, you have butterbeer, treacle tarts, pumpkin juice, chocolate frogs, Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, and others. Sure some of the food might seem strange to us muggles, but when it comes to eating in the wizarding world, the scene isn’t as bad as in other fictional worlds. I mean what you’d see in Star Wars where some of the bars are filled with dirt bags and you don’t know what’s being served. And in the Hunger Games, once you’re outside the Capitol and the wealthy districts, large populations are basically starving. Nevertheless, as in other fandoms, there are plenty of fans who make Harry Potter inspired treats for their own themed parties. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of magical Harry Potter treats.

Nothing makes a Harry Potter party like cauldron cake pops.

I might've had cauldron cake pops in one of my Halloween treat posts. But these were made in the Harry Potter speciality.

I might’ve had cauldron cake pops in one of my Halloween treat posts. But these were made in the Harry Potter specialty.

2. In the wizarding world, it helps that croissants are shaped like hats.

Well, witches’ hats anyway. Because apparently, people in the Harry Potter world wear hats like these despite that it would’ve made them prone to witch burnings in the 17th century.

3. If you loved the Prisoner of Azkaban, then you might take to a cake like this.

This is a cake depicting Harry riding Buckbeak. It’s professionally made for display. But it’s very well sculpted.

4. Those who might remember Hogsmeade might remember the Hog’s Head.

This is the cake of the Hog’s Head. It’s the bar in Hogsmeade that’s run by Dumbledore’s brother Aberforth. Apparently, they weren’t on good terms.

5. For your Harry Potter delights, nothing makes such a treat than a Hogwarts cake.

Now this was certainly done by a professional and probably doesn’t come cheap. Still, it’s very amazing to look at if you ask me.

6. For those wizards who love chocolate, it doesn’t get any magical than this.

And even if you don’t have a happy birthday, at least you won’t have to worry about dementors coming. Because they can really bum a party.

7. For a lunch on the go, you can’t cast the wrong spell with a Harry Potter bento box.

I’m sure you’d have to microwave this before eating at lunch. But this is so cute.

8. Get yourself sorted for your Harry Potter party with some Sorting hat bread.

Okay, maybe bread might not bring out the Sorting Hat’s best features. But this is quite creative regardless.

9. Speaking of the Sorting Hat, it helps if your surround it with cupcakes.

This is another professionally made cake. But I like the Harry Potter cupcakes surrounding it.

10. Now these are the perfect hotdog rolls for a Slytherin barbecue.

Because their symbol is a snake. Still, I’m not sure if any of the Slytherins had a hotdog, since Hogwarts is in Britain. But if Hogwarts existed in the US, they would.

11. Licorice wands always make a magically tasty treat.

Then again, I’m not a big fan of licorice. But I think this is quite creative to say the least.

12. When it comes to gingerbread architecture, it doesn’t get more amazing than Hogwarts.

I know it’s on top of a cake. But this gingerbread Hogwarts is a wonder to look at.

13. When it comes to Hogwarts spirit, it always counts what’s on the inside.

And as you see, this cake may have white icing. But it has all the Hogwarts house colors inside.

14. If you love breadsticks, these broomsticks are just the ticket.

You might expect Hogwarts to serve breadsticks like these. Mostly because they resemble brooms. Get it?

15. Those who adore Dobby might enjoy a cake like this.

Dobby likes seeing a cake in his likeness. Dobby thinks the maker is too kind. Dobby is in tears.

16. For your fruit tray, there’s nothing more fitting in the wizarding world than a watermelon owl.

Sure it may not resemble Hedwig. But at any Harry Potter party, this would do just fine.

17. Hop aboard the Hogwarts Express with this cake.

Yes, there’s a cake for it the train as well. Then again, the Hogwarts Express is a nice looking train.

18. Brew something special like these cauldron cakes.

These have something green in them. Hope it’s icing. If it’s not, I don’t want to know.

19. For a simple Harry Potter cake, I’m sure this would suffice.

This one just has a Gryffindor tie, Harry’s glasses, and HP lettering. Seems quite doable if you ask me.

20. For Professor Sprout’s birthday, these mandrake cupcakes are a perfect treat.

Sure mandrakes might look creepy to some extent. But these cupcakes are so clever that I had to include them.

21. Support your Hogwarts House with these Harry Potter cookies.

Well, they’re professionally made sugar cookies. But you have to love how they’re designed.

22. Of course, when it comes to cauldron cakes, there’s always the double chocolate option.

At least the dementors won’t go near these things. Which is perfectly fine by me since I love chocolate.

23. When it comes to a birthday at Hogwarts, there’s no better befitting cake like this.

Yes, this is a Hogwarts crest cake. And I’m sure it will go well with those Hogwarts house cookies I showed earlier.

24. Wonder what house you belong in? Maybe try these Sorting Hat cake pops.

Yes, these are Sorting Hat cake pops. Not sure what I’d think about it. Personally, I think the Sorting Hat is kind of creepy.

25. Anyone familiar with Harry Potter should remember a cake like this.

This is meant to resemble the cake Hagrid gave Harry on his 11th birthday and told him that he’s a wizard. Yes, I know there are words mispelled. But that’s deliberate.

26. If you love the Weasleys, then you’ll adore this gingerbread Burrow.

Sure it might not look like much but it’s home. Still, I really think this is brilliant.

27. If you like Hedwig, then you’ll love this owl cake.

Yes, this is a Hedwig cake. And yes, it’s adorable and lovely as you can see.

28. These Harry Potter cake pops are simply magical.

Because these cake pops are of Harry Potter. I’m sure some of you might find them a bit creepy. But I have to put them on this post.

29. To go with your Hedwig cake, these Hedwig cookies will suit you just fine.

These seem to have 3 variations of icing. But I think they’re adorable.

30. If you love Quidditch, then you’ll enjoy a cake like this.

Sure the pieces might not be edible. But this cake seems pretty easy to make compared to some of the others.

31. For a magical party, grace your dessert platter with these Harry Potter cupcakes.

Well, these cupcakes contain stuff relating to the Harry Potter series. And they’re in a variety of different colors.

32. For a magical breakfast, you can’t go wrong with Deathly Hallows pancakes.

I don’t know about you. But they sure don’t look much like pancakes to me. Maybe that’s the point.

33. If you don’t like cheese brooms, may I suggest potato sticks instead?

Besides, potato sticks help the pretzel brooms stand up by themselves. However, they might require thicker pretzels.

34. Serve your Harry Potter dessert platter with these witches’ hat cones.

Well, they’re on top of cupcakes. But each one has a lightning bolt so you’d know that they’re inspired by Harry Potter.

35. When it comes to Harry Potter cupcakes, these ones are sure to have your favorite characters.

These include Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Hagrid, Dumbledore, Snape, Draco, and Voldemort. Also has a Death Eater, a Golden Snitch, and a wand.

36. For as simple dessert, these owl cookies are just the key.

These are sugar cookies with markings, chocolate chip eyes, and a pretzel nose. And they’re adorable.

37. Any seeker is bound to appreciate these Golden Snitch cake pops.

Thought the Golden Snitches should have bigger wings. Oh, well at least they got the basics right.

38. This Chamber of Secrets cake has been opened.

As you might know from Book 2, the Chamber of Secrets is accessible through a girls’ bathroom. Particularly the one Moaning Myrtle was in where she died.

39. For a simple Hedwig cake, this would be what you’re waiting for.

For some reason, this Hedwig cake appears to resemble one angry bird. Not sure why.

40. If you love Harry Potter, then you’ll certainly fall in love with this cake.

I’m sure this one was made by a professional or someone with too much time on their hands. But all in all, I think it’s quite a remarkable cake. Love the Hedwig in a cage.

41. These owl pretzels will surely make a tasty treat.

This pretzel is covered in white icing and black sprinkes. And it sports eyes of Oreos and brows of licorice.

42. This Golden Snitch cake will open at the close.

Of course, you might wonder why I’m putting up all this cake stuff. However, all I have to say is that sometimes you have to take what you can get.

43. Open up this book cake, and you’ll never know what you’d find inside.

Yes, this book cake has Hogwarts in it as well as a wand and Gryffindor scarf. But it sure looks magical, indeed.

44. On a Hogwarts cake like this, each house has its own layer.

As you see, Gryffindor is at the bottom while Slytherin is on top. Not sure to know what that means.

45. This cake is bound to give you a great view of the Hogwarts grounds.

While some cakes features Hogwarts, this one has Hagrid's hut, the Forbidden Forest, the lake, and more. Love it.

While some cakes features Hogwarts, this one has Hagrid’s hut, the Forbidden Forest, the lake, the Whomping Willow, and more. Love it.

46. Find which Hogwarts house you belong in with these Sorting Hat cupcakes.

And it seems whoever opened this cupcake is in Slytherin. Still, at least they’re chocolate.

47. Those who love Harry and his friends will surely like a bento lunch like this.

That is, unless they’re vegetarians. Because I think I see that Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s faces are on some ham.

48. If you like Hermione, then you might like a cake of her bag.

Seriously, Hermione has the coolest purse ever which she can put as much stuff as she wants in it. This is very helpful in the Deathly Hallows.

49. For monster fun at your Harry Potter party, may I recommend the Monster Book of Monsters?

It’s the kind of textbook that’s more uncontrollable than most domestic animals. And yes, there’s a certain way you have to open it.

50. For simple treats on your magical dessert platter, these cupcake owls are a hoot.

And they seem to come in white and dark. Also like their eyes.

51. If you enjoyed the Wizard Chess match in the Sorcerer’s Stone, you might like this cake.

Just remember that Wizard’s Chess is far more gorier than its Muggle counterpart. I mean these pieces actually attack each other.

52. Those who love Quidditch might like this cake case.

It’s where they keep the Quidditch balls. Note how the Bludgers are chained so they won’t get out.

53. For a treat worth hooting for, try these graham cracker owls.

Sure the nose is made from candy corn which is sugar wax. But these are cute.

54. For a golden treat, you can’t go wrong with Golden Snitch truffles.

Of course, truffles are rather expensive. Yet, they appear to be filled with chocolatey goodness.

55. If you’re a fan of Snape, then you’ll surely enjoy this bento lunch.

Seems like Snape isn’t having a great day. Then again, when does he ever have a good day?

56. “This is the slice of the Deathly Hallows.”

According to Pinterest, this is supposed to be pizza. According to me, it’s bread. One of us must be wrong.

57. How about all the horcruxes on one cupcake?

Well, except for Harry, of course. But he’s still represented as you see.

58. Kids, you might not want to look at this calzone in the eye.

Because it’s a basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets. So if you look directly into the olive eyes, you’ll instantly die.

59. Funny, Harry and Snape seem to be getting along well in this bento.

Which is strange because Snape hates Harry because he had a thing for his mom. And Harry doesn’t care for Snape because he’s such a jerk to him.

60. When making cheese pretzel brooms, sometimes you don’t need the string.

Well, if you use string cheese. Still, you have to wonder why string cheese isn’t used for cheese brooms more often.

61. Any Death Eater with a sweet tooth is bound to enjoy these Dark Mark lollipops.

Available in 5 different flavors. How disturbing if you ask me. But I wasn’t consulted.

62. Any smart magical girl is bound to enjoy this Hermione dish.

I think this is more of a lunch dish. Yet, you have to like her pasta curly hair.

63. Nothing makes a better addition to your magical dessert platter than pensieve jello.

In Harry Potter, the pensieve is a pool where wizards put their memories in. And it’s to draw them out to retrieve them.

64. On this cake, Hedwig will spread her wings.

Let’s hope Hedwig didn’t leave a little present for Harry on that stack of books. Then again, Hedwig’s bowel movements don’t seemed to be discussed much in the series.

65. Relive the magic of Harry Potter on your dessert platter with these cookies.

Includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hedwig, a cauldron, the Deathly Hallows, a witch hat, the Dark Mark, and more. Not sure why the Dark Mark is included.

66. If you liked the Chamber of Secrets, you might enjoy a cake of Tom Riddle’s diary.

Which Harry stabbed with a basilisk fang. He did this after killing the basilisk with the Sword of Gryffindor he pulled out of the Sorting Hat.

67. This Harry Potter sandwich would make a perfectly magical lunch.

Yes, it’s a Harry Potter lunch. Think it’s a pita bread sandwich with Harry’s face on it. But I’m not sure.

68. Those who enjoy Fred and George’s jokes might treat themselves to some cockroach clusters.

Sure cockroach clusters are marketed as Harry Potter treats. But when I hear about them, I think of Monty Python.

69. Now this is the kind of Hogwarts lunch that’s fit for any wizard in training.

This one even has rice squares from all 4 houses. If these were sandwiches, Slytherin’s would have guacamole.

70. For your Harry Potter snack platter, a cheesy owl is all you need at the center.

Sure this owl may be a bit white and yellow. But it sure looks tasty being surrounded by crackers.

71. For a magical lunch, nothing beats Harry and his owl.

Yes, here’s Harry hanging with his owl Hedwig. Nevertheless, it’s so cute.

72. For all you Despicable Me lovers out there, this minion Harry Potter cake is a real treat.

Sure minions may want to serve an evil master. But this is adorable.

73. Bring the magic to your Harry Potter party with these cake pops.

These are cake pops that pertain to Harry Potter. These consist of a lightning bolt, Hedwig, Gryffindor colors, HP, Harry’s glasses, and the Golden Snitch.

74. For some great wizard candy, you can’t go wrong with quill lollipops.

Yeah, lollipops of a kind of writing implement used in the 1700s at perhaps the latest. Yet, they somehow used these at Hogwarts.

75. For all you Quidditch lovers out there, this cake is for you.

This one depicts Harry Potter catching the Golden Snitch. Not sure which book this is from though.

76. When it comes to Harry Potter cakes, you can’t hate these.

Many of these depict the characters. Yet, I don’t understand why the largest two have to be of Harry and Draco Malfoy. Guess this is for a baby party. In that case, the larger Draco cake makes sense.

77. For a more rustic atmosphere, this Hagrid’s hut gingerbread is just the ticket.

Seems like this one is from Prisoner of Azkaban. And there’s Buckbeak in the pumpkin patch. Let’s hope he doesn’t get killed.

78. These Harry Potter cake pops surely have a lot of magical character.

These consist of Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Hedwig, Dobby, a broomstick, a book of spells, and a Golden Snitch. Still, these are great.

79. As you see, these cookies are the colors of their respective houses.

Apparently, the hardest one on this is perhaps the Hogwarts crest. The other cookies seem easy.

80. For a magical meal, you can’t beat some lightning bolt pizza.

Because Harry’s scar is shaped as a lightning bolt. From some pizzeria in Liverpool, by the way.

81. When it comes to casting a spell, few can resist a Harry Potter sandwich.

These consist of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. And I swear your kids are going to love these.

82. Nothing makes lunch more enchanting than this Harry Potter bento lunch.

Seems like the main course in this is a Deathly Hallows sandwich. Still, I think it’s clever.

83. When it comes to Harry Potter birthdays, Snape is not impressed.

And yes, I read the cake in the late Alan Rickman’s voice. I don’t know about you, but I find this funny.

84. No Harry Potter party is complete without a Harry Potter pizza.

And it seems like Harry Potter has been attacked by the dreaded basilisk. Just not the one from the Chamber of Secrets.

85. Why have a Hogwarts gingerbread house when you can have a gingerbread castle?

Yes, this is another Hogwarts gingerbread castle. But this is is quite a wonder to behold, too.

86. As you know Hogwarts’ motto goes, “Never tickle a sleeping dragon.”

This Hogwarts crest on this cake seems more official looking than the last one I put on this post. But I like it.

87. Another famous Harry Potter candy is chocolate frogs.

In Harry Potter, they come in boxes with trading cards on them. Still, at least they don’t have real frogs in them.

88. Show your house spirit with these Hogwarts house tie cookies.

Each one is in their respective colors. The Hogwarts one is in the center.

89. Seems like this Hogwarts cake has seen better days.

Wonder what happened here? Battle of Hogwarts? Fred and George escaped from the tower after turning a corridor into a swamp? Someone had a mishap with a spell?

90. I’m sure nobody could resist the spell of these Harry Potter cookies.

These consist of Harry, Ron, Hermione, the Sorting Hat, a mandrake, Hedwig in a cage, Gryffindor colors, and a potion. Still, these are cute.

91. At Honeydukes, it’s said you can get yourself some peppermint toads.

Peppermint toads are also candies from Harry Potter. However, I’m not sure how toads and peppermint go together.

92. Now this is the kind of Burrow house you’d see in the Weasley home.

Yes, it’s another Burrow gingerbread house. But you’d imagine Mrs. Weasley making this on Christmas instead of the other one.

93. For magical dishes, you can’t resist the enchantment of these.

Includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid. Nevertheless, these are adorable.

94. When it comes to a gingerbread Hogwarts, it can’t do without a gingerbread Platform 9 3/4.

You mean they have a gingerbread Hogwarts Express, too? Man, this is just awesome.

95. For easy treats, you can’t go wrong with Deathly Hallows cookies.

Just as long as you don’t invite Vicktor Krum to your party. Because he associates this symbol with the mark of Grindewald.

96. In Harry Potter some things just seem to last forever.

Like Snape’s love for Lily as this cake commemorates. Still, I like the owl on it since it almost looks real.

97. These cauldron cake pops seem to be on fire.

Sure they may not specifically pertain to Harry Potter. But he does have potions class which might have cauldrons like these.

98. Surely a Slytherin picnic has to have a snake sandwich.

After all, the snake is Slytherin’s symbol. Then again, it’s also a symbol for Voldemort and his Death Eaters. I mean the Dark Lord has a pet snake he keeps part of his soul in.

99. When it comes to Harry Potter parties, you can’t do better than a cake with Fawkes the Phoenix on it.

Well, on top, anyway. Nevertheless, I think this is a great cake if you ask me.

100. When it comes to Hogwarts, it doesn’t get better than how it looks during the winter.

Yes, it’s yet another gingerbread Hogwarts. But this one is surely spectacular like you can’t believe.

Cast a Magic Spell with These Harry Potter Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 14, 2016

Polyjuice_potion

As you may have seen so far, Harry Potter is wildly popular around the world. And like huge fans of Star Wars, Hunger Games, and the NFL, there are plenty of people who have their own brand of magic with their own Harry Potter craft projects. After all, if you’ve seen stuff on Pinterest and Etsy, you’re going to find out that there are fans that are way more obsessed than you. Nevertheless, at Hogwarts, while DIY projects aren’t really a thing, you do have Hermione making the Polyjuice potion for her, Harry, and Ron so they could disguise themselves as Slytherins and sneak into the common room to speak to Draco Malfoy. While this works to a point and the three got what they wanted, Hermione made a major mistake with adding a hair whom she thought was Slytherin student Millicent Bulstrode. However, it turned out to be her cat’s and she had to go to the hospital wing. Let’s just say the Polyjuice potion works well when you’re planning to disguise yourself as a person. However, doesn’t work well when you put a hair of a species that’s different than you. Nevertheless, it was a very funny moment in the series. So for your magical reading pleasure, here I give you a glimpse of all the enchanting Harry Potter craft projects.

Curl up on your couch with your very own Hogwarts House quilt.

Has all 4 Hogwarts houses in its own color scheme and patterns. More like something I’d want for display though.

2. I’m sure any witch would be pleased to wear a pair of Hedwig earrings.

These look so cute. I wonder what kind of person would make stuff like this.

3. Show your loved one where you’d meet them with this pillow.

“I’ll meet you at Platform 9 3/4,” that’s brilliant. I mean you have to be a big fan to want this.

4. If your house elves aren’t available, use this sign.

Of course, using house elves as slaves kind of highlights the dark side of the wizarding world. However, us Harry Potter fans don’t really talk about this.

5. If you loved Hedwig, then you’ll adore this stuffed owl.

Well, stuffed felt owl anyway that resembles Hedwig. But I think this is amazing.

6. Bring the magic wherever you go with this Harry Potter patchwork bag.

Not sure where some of these come from. But I think it’s wonderful to behold.

7. Nothing can make your Harry Potter life complete without these Hogwarts student peg people.

Some of these even have yarn hair on them. Includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco, Neville, Cho, and Luna.

8. Little did Voldemort know that he had enough horcruxes for a charm bracelet.

As any Potterhead would know, the horcruxes are Tom Riddle’s diary, Marvolo Gaunt’s ring, Slytherin’s locket, Hufflepuff’s cup, Ravenclaw’s diadem, Harry Potter, and Nagini. I’m sure it’s apparent for those who’ve read the books.

9. This sign post will help you find your way to wherever you desire.

Shows the way to Privet Drive, Hogwarts Express, Ollivander’s, Knockturn Alley, Ministry of Magic, Gringotts, and Diagon Alley. Nevertheless, love the signs if you ask me.

10. Grace your door to bring magic in your home with this Harry Potter wreath.

It’s in the standard Gryffindor colors as well as consists of Harry’s trademark glasses and lightning bolt scar. All in all, it’s a fitting tribute.

11. Show your guests where the butterbeer is with this 3 Broomsticks sign.

Not sure if the sign looks like that in the movies or the books. But I like it.

12. Show pride for your Hogwarts house with these pendant necklaces.

Each of these are made from clay according to its Etsy listing. But they look do well done, I just want to collect them all.

13. If you want to know where your family is, you might want to go with your very own Weasley clock.

I’m sure this was made by someone with too much time on their hands. Still, it’s almost exactly as I imagined it.

14. If you liked Fawkes the Phoenix, then you might appreciate this embroidery piece.

This is a lovely embroirdery piece of Fawkes. Whoever made it really got the color scheme right. Love this.

15. Show your Hogwarts House pride with these house scarf earrings.

Will surely go great with those House pendant necklaces. Still, wonder how anyone could knit scarves so small like that.

16. For Fawkes the Phoenix fans, this amigurumi will melt your heart.

This shows how the bird looks at 4 different angles. Nevertheless, this is adorable.

17. Of course, be wary around this crocheted mandrake.

Not sure if the mandrake is as ugly as you see in the movies. But I think this is clever.

18. This Golden Snitch necklace will open at the close.

Or so it seems like it since it looks as if the clasps are in the center. Still, not sure why they’d have a Golden Snitch in Quidditch in the first place other than it being a quick way to end a match.

19. If you want to go back an hour this spring, you might need a time turner necklace.

Again, while Dumbledore says that magic can’t bring back the dead, somehow Harry and Hermione used a time turner to bring back Buckbeak and help Sirius Black escape. Yes, it’s kind of confusing.

20. For any potions classroom, you might want to go with a hanging like this.

Of course, Professor Snape might think it’s a waste of space. But then again, he’s not much for decorating anyway.

21. Decorate your home for your Harry Potter party with magical decorations like these.

These are outdoor decorations. But they’re certainly in the creative Harry Potter spirit. I mean they tend to resemble Harry’s things.

22. When it comes to Harry Potter, these finger puppets are hard to resist.

These are made of felt. Includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Ginny, Hagrid, Snape, Dobby, Dumbledore, and Voldemort.

23. Study for your exams with your very own Hogwarts desk.

Not even Harry had a desk at Hogwarts like this. Still, I’m sure it was made by someone with too much time on their hands.

24. This hairpin will help you show your Hogwarts spirit.

Well, this looks doable for the Hogwarts crest. Well, if I had better drawing skills anyway.

25. Support the Gryffindor Quidditch team with your very own Luna Lovegood lion hat.

Yes, Luna Lovegood wore a hat like this in the books. Yes, she’s kind of eccentric as you see. But you have to like this.

26. Got empty bottles and jars? Make potion containers out of them.

This is a creative idea. Just paint them black and put labels and corks on them. Still, you wouldn’t want to drink from them.

27. A stuffed Hedwig like this would make you hoot for joy.

Yes, it’s another stuffed Hedwig. But this one has Harry Potter glasses and a Gryffindor scarf.

28. When it comes to receiving a word from home, nobody wants to get a howler.

A howler is a letter in the wizarding world in which the sender yells at the recipient. Ron gets one from his mom in Book 2 after he and Harry took the Mr. Weasley’s flying car to Hogwarts which later got them entangled in the Whomping Willow.

29. Now you can board the Hogwarts Express at Platform 9 3/4.

Actually it’s a curtain of the wall that wizards have to go through to get to Platform 9 3/4. Still, it’s pretty clever.

30. Keep your home lit with this lamp of the Deathly Hallows symbol.

Let’s just say if you have a triangle lamp, it shouldn’t be hard for you to design something like this. Still, you should know what each shape stands for.

31. Know what spell to use with this Harry Potter light switch cover.

As any Potter fan knows, Lumos means light and Nox means night. It’s pretty straightforward.

32. Through this sampler, may you solemnly swear that you’re up to no good.

Of course, you have to say these words in order to open the Marauder’s Map. It’s perhaps one of the most underrated magical items in the wizarding world ever.

33. Nothing makes a Harry Potter party like a bunch of letters coming out from the fireplace.

With the way the fireplace is where I live, I could never pull this off at my house. Still, I think it’s brilliant.

34. In case of being cursed, it’s always great to have a potion trunk handy.

Unlike in chemistry sets, none of these work. They’re more or less used to put on necklaces or bracelets.

35. If you don’t live at Hogwarts, you can always make a sculpture of one in a cauldron.

This one is made from clay as you see. And probably by someone with too much time on their hands, too.

36. You never know how easy it is to make a broomstick.

This one just consists of wrapping twigs on big stick with packing tape. Seems doable if you ask me.

37. Tell the time to get on board the Hogwarts Express with this clock of Platform 9 3/4.

Yes, this is a clock. Yes, I thought there was paint chipped from this, too when I first saw this.

38. Lay your head on this Hedwig pillow.

It’s just a bright blue cushion pillow with a snowy owl on it. But I’m sure any Potter fan would adore this.

39. “After all this time?”

Pretty much sums up Snape’s love for Lily. And why his patronus is a doe.

40. You can never get more endearing than with these Harry Potter amigurumi.

This one includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hedwig, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and Voldemort. Nevertheless, these are adorable.

41. Have your home be the ultimate Harry Potter sanctuary with these canvas blocks.

These consist of the Deathly Hallows, the Golden Snitch, Platform 9 3/4, and Harry’s glasses and scar. Bound to go well in any room.

42. Before going to Diagon Alley, make sure you have some wizard money with you.

As you know, wizard money consists of galleons, sickles, and knuts. And no, they have no bills or charge cards to speak of. Even though those products really come in handy.

43. Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans are great for charm bracelets.

In fact, it comes to my attention that these beans are better for decorating than eating. Then again, I was never a fan of jelly beans anyway.

44. Be the brave witch in your kitchen with your Gryffindor apron.

I don’t know about you. Yet, did you ever wonder whether they practiced lab safety in Potions class? Just a thought.

45. Remember, anyone with unpaired socks can now donate them for a good cause.

Yes, donate your socks to save Dobby and his house elf friends. Okay, maybe Harry helped free him. But still, this is great.

46. A Harry Potter party is never complete without a golden owl sculpture.

Even if people don’t get the Harry Potter reference, they’d still think this is amazing. Still, probably created by someone with too much time on their hands.

47. If you like the Chamber of Secrets, you might like this diorama of Ron and Harry flying to Hogwarts.

Let’s hope they watch out for the Whomping Willow. And sightings from Muggle conspiracy theorists.

48. For a Harry Potter tea party, you can never find a better tea set than this.

Well, this was listed on Etsy. Still, this seems like something you’d find at a Hogwarts gift shop for some reason.

49. Hanging a wreath like this at the door can help ward off Dementors.

Yes, it’s a Patronus wreath as you see. And it seems that these people’s patronuses are a horse and jellyfish.

50. Of course, no Harry Potter craft post is complete without a set of nesting dolls.

Includes Dumledore, Snape, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Voldemort. Still, I’ve put nesting dolls of Hunger Games and Star Wars back in November.

51. Seems like the Weasleys have gone a bit high tech.

Sometimes I don’t know why wizards don’t embrace higher forms of technology. A clock like this would make the Weasleys’ lives so much easier even with magic.

52. Step into Hogwarts with these Harry Potter high heels.

Yes, I had Harry Potter high heels in my last post. But these are more decorated as you see.

53. Cover up your couch with this Harry Potter afghan.

I see that the edges contain the Deathly Hallows symbol. But you have to appreciate the design.

54. If you need a patronus, this sampler of a stag should help.

Harry’s is a stag like his dad’s would be since it was his animagus form. Love the craftsmanship here.

55. Nothing makes your Gryffindor common room better than a lamp like this.

Well, it has a Gryffindor lampshade and a Hedwig lamp body. Still, I think it’s brilliant.

56. Grace your magical home with your very own Deathly Hallows mirror.

I know this isn’t suited for a bathroom. But it would look great in a hall or a living room.

57. At Diagon Alley, you could always lounge at the Leaky Cauldron.

This is a Leaky Cauldron sign. Nevertheless, I think it almost seems like you’d see in the movie.

58. Nothing brings the magical world of Harry Potter to life than these Chibi figures.

Well, can’t name the characters in this bunch since it would be a long list. But they all look so cute.

59. This Harry Potter patchwork bag really brings out the magic.

Yes, I know it’s another Harry Potter patchwork bag. But this one is in a different design. So creative though.

60. For a more laid back home, you might like this Harry Potter bookshelf quilt.

Contains an assortment of Harry’s things. But be sure to be careful with The Monster Book of Monsters.

61. Don’t worry, I’m sure the stag patronus would ward off the dementor.

Sure they may be Halloween and Christmas decorations meshed together. But you have do admit that this is clever.

62. I suppose these signs will help you find your way in the wizarding world.

Signs consist of Hogwarts, Knight Bus, Quiddich, Diagon Alley, Ministry of Magic, Shell Cottage, the Burrow, Hogsmeade, and Godric’s Hollow. Love the colors on these, too.

63. If you need something to carry your things, Hermione’s purse is just for you.

Man, I wish I had something like this. Doesn’t hurt that it’s purple. Nor the fact it can hold almost everything you need. Well, as far as the books and movies are concerned.

64. If you love gardening, then this Harry Potter terrarium should do nicely.

Guess it’s Harry, Ron, and Hermione out somewhere. And here’s Harry with his books and Hedwig.

65. Show your House pride with these Hogwarts House pillows.

Each of these is made of felt with the House colors and symbol. Yet, these are all adorable.

66. Raise a glass for your House with these Hogwarts wine glasses and carafe.

The carafe has the Hogwarts crest on it. The glasses represent a house. Makes a great commemorative set.

67. Seems like Hedwig has brought Harry something special.

Well, this is an embroidery of Hedwig bringing Harry a broom. Not sure what you think about it. But I like it.

68. Oh, my God, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Watch out, muggle borns.

I know this is for a party. But when you read it in Book 2, it wasn’t something worth celebrating about.

69. Experience the magic of Harry Potter with this commemorative quilt.

Yes, I know it’s another quilt. But this one contains stuff pertaining to the books and movies.

70. Celebrate the Harry Potter series by hanging this wreath upon your door.

Now this seems like a definitive Harry Potter wreath. They even have the taped glasses and Hogwarts on it.

71. Relive the world of Harry Potter with this peg people Hogwarts Dollhouse.

Sure it’s not exactly like Hogwarts. But I think it’s rather ingenious nevertheless. So it goes on this post.

72. For all you die hard Potter fans out there, this quilt is for you.

Wonder who would have so much time on their hands to make this quilt. Still, this is incredible to look at.

73. Of course, we try not to discriminate against muggles.

Muggles are non-magic folk in Harry Potter. Yet, I think this sign is so funny.

74. If you want to know your way around Hogwarts, it helps if you paint your closet door as the Marauder’s Map.

The Marauder’s Map also tells you where people are at all times. Yet, I suppose this door was painted like the map by someone with too much time on their hands.

75. When it comes to lawn furniture, nothing is more magical than this Harry Potter wooden lawn chair.

Now that’s the kind of lawn chair I wouldn’t want to put outside. I’d be afraid about the lovely paint job being washed off by the rain.

76. Ladies, show your love for Hogwarts with this lovely black skirt.

This one has all house signs and other magical things. Still, love the purple bow.

77. Master the dead of night with this Deathly Hallows lamp.

Shapes of the Deathly Hallows: The line symbolizes the Elder Wand, held by the brother who died lusting for power. The circle represents the Resurrection Stone held by the brother who died for love. And the Triangle represents the Invisibility Cloak held by the brother who hid away from Death for many years before greeting him as an old friend.

78. Now even the birds can enjoy the magic of Hogwarts.

Yes, this is a Harry Potter birdhouse. A place for wizard birds everywhere to congregate and live.

79. For those who wish to do magic, these Harry Potter wands are just for you.

These are DIY wands which probably are less expensive than ones sold by major companies. They’re also more colorful.

80. When arriving in the house, always know where to put your broom.

Yes, this is a broom rack. No, those brooms aren’t for cleaning. But this is pretty clever if you ask me.

81. Nothing makes a great Harry Potter party than decorating some wine glasses with horcrux cocktail rings.

And there are 7 of these for good measure. Note that Harry’s is red and 3 have other house colors on them.

82. When it comes to wands, each wizard’s is unique.

Yes, this is another set of DIY wands. Yet, these seem to resemble the wands that you’ve seen in the movies.

83. Those who’ve seen the Chamber of Secrets might remember when Ron tried to turn his rat into a water goblet.

Yes, I remember this. It’s also pretty disturbing considering that Ron’s rat wasn’t really a rat at all.

84. Those of whom remember the Sorcerer’s Stone might enjoy this flying key mobile.

Those flying keys certainly bring back memories. If you want to catch one, try to go with the old looking one with the broken wing.

85. If you got a train set, you might like this little train engine.

Yes, this is a wooden rendition of the Hogwarts Express. And yes, it’s quite delightful if you ask me.

86. If you like the riches at Gringotts, then this gold bar might suit your fancy.

However, since this is a replica, you shouldn’t have to worry about the goblins wanting it. And they’re pretty greedy about their stuff. I mean they didn’t take it very well when Godric Gryffindor’s sword was taken from them.

87. Nothing makes a true Harry Potter fan than a pair of earrings like these.

These include the Gryffindor colors, the lightning bolt scar, and Harry’s glasses. Pretty cool though.

88. If you love Luna Lovegood, then you can’t do without these accessories.

Not sure if I recall the cork necklace or the bug ring. But I certainly remember the turnip earrings.

89. When you need a guide to Hogwarts, this map is for you.

Sure it's not the Marauder's Map. But it's a fine illustration just the same.

Sure it’s not the Marauder’s Map. But it’s a fine illustration that it’s a work of art on its own merit.

90. To help you through your day, this clock could come in handy.

I know it’s not a Weasley clock. But this one does help you know what you should do by the hour.

91. When it comes to studying potions, it helps when you have all the ingredients and concoctions you can get.

This one has a number describing what each potion is. Some might be more harmful than others. So use caution.

92. Know where your Hogwarts House stands up with these beaded point necklace vials.

$The Hogwarts Houses go by a point system pertaining to successes and infractions. However, by the later points, nobody seems to care about winning the house cup anymore.$

The Hogwarts Houses go by a point system pertaining to successes and infractions. However, by the later points, nobody seems to care about winning the house cup anymore.

93. Anyone who likes Mrs. Weasley’s sleeves might love this sweater.

Yeah, you have to love those sleeves. Not sure whether the rest of it goes with them. But I’ll take it.

94. Seems like Ron drove his dad’s car into the Whomping Willow.

Let’s just say the Whomping Willow is the last tree you’d probably want to run into. I mean it attacks people. Still, this is pretty good.

95. If you like Quidditch, you might take to these Golden Snitch earrings.

The existence of the Golden Snitch in Quidditch makes me suspect that matches aren’t timed or sectioned. How else can I explain that?

96. This Weasley watch will let you know where your loved ones are while on the go.

I’m sure Mrs. Weasley has to have a watch like this. Well, this one just tells the time. But it’s clever nonetheless.

97. Keep your ingredients organized with this potion spice rack.

Don’t know whether Professor Snape would have paprika or cinnamon on him. But this is clever.

98. Keep yourself warm with this owl post beanie.

This is a beanie with an owl carrying a letter in it. Not sure if it’s Hedwig though.

99. Support your Hogwarts house by wearing one of these necklace pendants.

Each pendant comes with house animal and colors. Not sure if I’d want to wear any of them though.

100. Experience the magic of Harry Potter with these necklace pendants on a chain.

Each pendant pertains to something from the Harry Potter series. But I think it’s best you wear one of these at a time.

Diagon Alley Worthy Harry Potter Merchandise

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 13, 2016

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001) (Screengrab)

In the world of Harry Potter, there are all kinds of places to shop. There’s Diagon Alley which sells a lot of stuff for young witches and wizards preparing for their first or subsequent year of Hogwarts as well as for other wizarding needs. There’s Knockturn Alley for stuff pertaining to the Dark Arts and flesh eating slug repellant, but you don’t want to go there. Then there’s Hogsmeade which is a wizard village that has some restaurants and tourist stuff. Oh, and later on, Fred and George start a joke shop called Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. Of course, here in the muggle real world we must toil, Harry Potter has become such a smash hit with 7 books and 8 movies that it has made scores of money on merchandise. Whether the beneficiaries be J. K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Amazon, companies, or some random people on Etsy. And let’s just say there are all kinds of Harry Potter merchandise out there like Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, action figures, T-shirts, house banners, and the like. But I decided to dedicate my post to some of the ridiculous Harry Potter stuff out there that might have some unfortunate implications. So for your reading pleasure, I give you this.

Show your support for the Dark Lord with this dark mark tattoo decal.

Of course, unlike the real dark marks in the series, it actually comes off. But c’mon, it’s basically a symbol of a wizard terrorist organization for God’s sake.

2. This pair of underwear will show that you’ll go sleazy for Ronald Weasley.

Of course, anyone who wears this might want to be wary of Hermione Granger. Take a cue what happened to what she did when Ron dated Lavender Brown in Book 6. It wasn’t pretty.

3. If you see yourself a Ravenclaw, you might want Rowena’s diadem of your very own.

Note that it has a tragic provenance since it was stolen by her daughter who ended up in a murder-suicide with the Bloody Baron. Also contains a fragment of Voldemort’s soul making it a horcrux that must be destroyed.

4. For the Harry Potter foodie, this Harry Potter cookbook is for you.

Not sure what kind of recipes are in this one. And I’m not sure if I’d want to know at any rate.

5. There’s nothing that brings eternal glory like a Triwizard Cup.

However, remember that it’s also a portkey that could transport you and your co-champion to a cemetery to see the Dark Lord’s resurrection. Oh, and if you’re Cedric Diggory, you won’t come out alive.

6. If you’re into Harry Potter and takeout, these wand chopsticks are for you.

Made in Japan, by the way, which explains a lot. And I thought lightsaber chopsticks were crazy. I mean wands are for magic, not eating utensils.

7. Those who are a Hufflepuff at heart might enjoy Helga’s cup.

Keep in mind that Voldemort stole this and killed its owner before making it into a horcrux. It also sat in a Gringotts vault with a complicated magic security system.

8. Impress the Harry Potter man in your life with these golden snitch nipple pasties.

With products like these, you’d wonder if there was any Harry Potter themed strip club out there. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that.

9. Cuddle up on your couch with your very own Fang plushie.

As Potterheads know, Fang is Hagrid’s dog that accompanies him and tends to drool a lot. I think I’ve seen a plushie of Fluffy that was cuter than this.

10. Assume the form of someone else with this Polyjuice potion flask.

I don’t think you can make Polyjuice potion in real life. However, if you can, make sure you don’t put any animal hair in it before consumption. Hermione learned this the hard way.

11. If you’re into the dark arts and jewelry, this Slytherin locket is for you.

Of course, Voldemort stole this from his mother’s family and turned it into a horcrux. It’s been causing all kinds of terrible shit ever since.

12. If you’re into magical creatures, you might like the Monster Book of Monsters.

It’s the kind of vicious textbook you have to wrestle with before you read. Literally it’s not a book you can just curl up with on a rainy day.

13. Those who have a fascination with the dark arts or Deathly Hallows might adore this Marvolo Gaunt ring.

It’s a horcrux that used to contain a Resurrection Stone. However, when Dumbledore wore it, it withered his hand and led him to seek assisted suicide. Hey, it was to save Draco Malfoy’s life, too.

14. Magically scrub yourself with some Half-Blood soap.

Wonder what this smells like. Still, doesn’t help that it has glitter on it. That stuff could get everywhere.

15. For those who turn into a beast at a certain time of the month, try some wolfsbane potion.

Yes, the kind of potion for werewolves that’ll keep them from transforming on their time of the month. However, it’s bound to make them ill though.

16. If you’re into Quidditch, how about ride on this Firebolt?

According to The Richest, this thing is said to cost $294.95. Let’s just say it would be cheaper if you used a broom in the closet.

17. For a real broomstick riding experience, you can’t go wrong with a Nimbus 2000 vibrating broom.

Actually you can’t buy this anymore because parents complained about it. Mostly because it was a phallus shaped toy that vibrates when wedged between a kid’s legs.

18. Seems like someone’s Chamber of Secrets has been opened.

Yeah, I get the picture and know what “Chamber of Secrets” means. Yet, sometimes it only takes the right basilisk.

19. Those into chess might enjoy this Harry Potter wizard chess set.

Of course, it’s not as violent as Wizard Chess in Harry’s world. Also, it costs a whopping $395.95, which is ridiculous.

20. For your magical pet, I’m sure they’d feel right at home in a replica of Hagrid’s hut.

Okay, this was probably made by someone with too much time on their hands. Also, I think your pet needs a place like this. Just saying.

21. Cast a spell with this Harry Potter wand in your bedroom.

Uh, that’s a dildo which is clearly an adult toy. Okay, this is just wrong here.

22. Solemnly swear that you’re up to no good in this Marauder’s Map corset.

Another thing you might see in a Harry Potter strip club. Or sex dungeon. I’m not sure which.

23. Nothing makes a sweeter rub down than some Butterbeer massage oil.

Because nothing makes you and your lover more attractive than smelling like you’ve just come out of the Three Bromsticks at Hogsmeade. And I’m sure that’s a hotel and bar where they serve alcoholic beverages to teenagers. Then again, they’re British, but still.

24. These panties will show that you long for Neville’s bottom.

Well, since he was played by Matthew Lewis in the later movies, it’s easy to see why. I mean puberty was very good to him.

25. Call upon this pair of boxers to summon your patronus in your trousers.

Guys, I’m sure those boxers would just be plenty to keep the dementors away. Still, why such a pair exist I have no idea.

26. For a great place to keep your wand, fellas, look no further.

Depends on the wizard who wields it. And if you’re not him, then no thanks.

27. For those of the brave of heart, the sword of Gryffindor can be yours.

All you have to pay is $195.95. Seriously, I can find one that’s cheaper by pulling it out of a hat.

28. Love the smell of nature? Well, this Hagrid’s hut wax melt is for you.

I don’t know about you, but would you really want your place to smell like Hagrid’s hut? Seriously, I think there are better places in Harry Potter that smell better than that. The Burrow, for instance.

29. Protect yourself traveling through your lady’s Chamber of Secrets with these Harry Poppers.

Yes, these are condoms by Magic X. Unfortunately, they’re no longer available since Warner Brothers sued the Swiss manufacturer for copyright infringement.

30. Keep your cigs magically in order with your own Harry Potter cigarette case.

Uh, I know there may be smokers who like Harry Potter. However, this doesn’t mean we should have Harry Potter themed tobacco paraphernalia.

31. Harry Potter pancakes are part of this magically complete breakfast.

Of course, if you make a house elf cook them, Hermione would get mad at you. Still, this seems like a silly marketing ploy to me.

32. Smell magically fresh with some Harry Potter EDT Spray.

I think this one was made before the movies ever came out. Not sure who the hell thought up this. I mean it’s pretty strange.

33. For a magical treat, snack on some of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans.

These are jellybeans. Sure you’ll find some fruity flavors. But you’ll also have earwax, booger, vomit, dirt, and rotten egg. What’s not to love?

34. This decal is guaranteed to help you find your way to the Ministry of Magic.

I’m sure your guests who aren’t familiar with the series won’t get this. But yes, you enter to the Ministry of Magic through some rundown public bathroom as I’ve read in the books.

35. For a magical night, put on some Deathly Hallow nipple pasties.

Okay, I'm sure the Wizarding World of Harry Potter must have its own strip club. Otherwise, how could I explain how these exist?

Okay, I’m sure the Wizarding World of Harry Potter must have its own strip club. Otherwise, how else could I explain how these exist?

36. Deck your Harry Potter home with this mounted house elf head.

Sure it’s not Dobby. But this doesn’t make the house elf head display less disturbing.

37. For keepsake items, I’m sure this mandrake baby will suit your fancy.

Okay, mandrake babies are incredibly creepy. The costumes are cute for babies. But this, not so much.

38. Those who love Mad Eye Moody would appreciate this hip flask and magic eye.

Not sure to decide which one is more disturbing. Then again, maybe the hip flask since I know it wasn’t used to store pumpkin juice in Book 4.

39. Why have a Marauder’s Map when you could get a Marauder’s Map dress?

Okay, since when would anyone make a dress out of the Marauder’s Map? Seriously, why?

40. If you think My Little Pony is too cutesy for your taste, there’s always My Little Death Eater.

I know this is possibly the most demented My Little Pony I’ve ever seen. Still, I think it’s hilarious.

41. If you liked the Chamber of Secrets, then you’ll like this basilisk fang necklace.

I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to wear that at school if it has a very strict weapons policy. Still, not sure if it would make you look like a badass either.

42. As you might recall, extendable ears are great for eavesdropping.

However, in the muggle world we live in, these are just novelty toys. But in the books, they’re one of Fred and George Weasley’s joke inventions.

43. Forgot anything? You might need a remembrall.

Okay, it doesn’t make red smoke if your forget something. However, at least you won’t have Draco Malfoy steal it off you like he did to Neville just for kicks.

44. For those seeking enlightenment, perhaps this Zen Dobby might help you.

Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf. And Dobby only pawn in game of life.

45. For your Harry Potter Christmas tree, this ornament is just the ticket.

Because nothing makes a Merry Christmas than flying on some brooms to escape from fiendfire. At least they didn’t end up like Crabbe (or Goyle in the movie).

46. Ensnare a crush to desire you with a bottle of Amortentia.

I don’t see anything wrong with this since I know it’s not going to work being made by muggles on Etsy. But in the wizarding world, Amortentia is the most powerful love potion and like other love potions, its Muggle equivalent are roofies. Seriously, love potions are date rape drugs. Look what happened to Ron when he ate some some chocolates from one of Harry’s stalkers.

47. For the die hard Potterheads, you can finally buy your own Invisibility Cloak.

Okay, I know it certainly won’t make you invisible. However, it does have a magical power of its own. Like making your $300 magically disappear. Yes, $300 you could’ve spent on something better like anything.

48. Prepare for the Battle of Hogwarts with your very own Ultimate Dueling Battle Trainer.

I could see why Voldemort is the target. Other than that, I’m not sure why this exist? At least the Star Wars one would cooler if you ask me.

49. For your castle, line your mantle with these potion bottles.

Sure these are for display only. Because if it was the wizarding world, you really don’t want to know what these do to you.

50. If you like gardening, you might like this mandrake in a pot.

Like I said before, mandrakes aren’t adorable. In fact, they’re hideous. However, they do come in handy when students are petrified.

51. Don’t have any time? Get yourself a time turner like Hermione did.

Sure it may not turn back time since it’s a replica. However, it’s known to cost about $224.95.

52. Of course, I couldn’t forget Tom Riddle’s diary.

You know the one he used to lure Ginny into the Chamber of Secrets. And the one Harry eventually stabbed in there. Of course, the Chamber of Secrets thing would’ve been avoided if Lucius just didn’t sneak it in Ginny’s basket.

53. For the brave and bold, you have to have a Gryffindor crocheted bikini.

I’m not sure why these yarn bikinis exist. I mean they’re not the kind you’d want while swimming. Seriously, why?

54. At Hogwarts, smell like the scent in the house you belong to.

Wait a minute, each Hogwarts house has its own perfume bottle? Seriously, do fans really need stuff like this? I think it’s overdoing it.

55. These panties might say you love good even if you’re not Luna.

I don’t know what to make about these Potter panties. Guess they’re very popular. Can’t come up with a better explanation.

56. Need socks? How about some Harry Potter sock yarn?

I don’t see why they’d make such a promotion. Socks are one thing. But sock yarn? Seriously?

57. Seems like anyone wearing this shirt might have narrow dating interests.

Well, maybe “muggles” here means non-Harry Potter fans. Still, some might take it the wrong way.

58. “My magic brings Voldemort to the yard, damn right it’s hurting my scar.”

Yes, but that doesn’t mean Harry would want people to note that. Also, it’s bound to put him and his friends in a highly dangerous situation.

59. Drink your worries away with this “Obliviate” beer glass.

Well, that’s one way to do it. Then again, you might not want to drink out of this while driving.

60. Quidditch wouldn’t be the same without a bludger and a beater bat.

You know the magic balls that go after players and the sticks you hit them with. At least the muggle equivalent isn’t as nasty.

61. Charm your sweetheart with some love potion.

I think it’s just candy filled in this one. However, in the wizarding world, love potions their equivalent to date rape drugs. Yet, somehow they’re readily available.

62. Show your house pride with these Hogwarts house rings.

Now I’ve heard of class rings. But Hogwarts house rings. Isn’t it a bit much? I mean why?

63. Keep your dog snug and warm with this Gryffindor hat.

I guess this is for a pug which kind of makes sense. Why it exists, I have no idea.

64. Hold your door with this door stopper Dobby.

Okay, Dobby may not be the scariest characters from Harry Potter. But this doorstop is so freaky looking for some reason.

65. Show that you like to be Slytherin in the sheets.

Yes, I get the puns and how these underwear could sell. But still, that doesn’t change that Harry Potter was originally meant for children.

66. Enjoy the mystery with this Harry Potter Clue game.

“It was Professor Snape in the Great Hall with a candlestick.” Couldn’t resist saying that.

67. If you’re into making money, you might like some Harry Potter Monopoly.

Oh, sorry, it seems that you have to go directly to Azkaban. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 galleons.

68. Pop the question to your girlfriend with this Golden Snitch engagement ring.

Guys, unless she insists on a ring like a golden snitch, don’t get her one. Even if she likes Harry Potter. Also, costs $155.

69. To help you through the night, you might take to a Deluminator.

The version of this product is a flashlight. However, the wizard version can put out lights and help you find your friends. So disappointing.

70. Own a piece of Harry Potter lore with a replica of his glasses.

These costs about $59.95 and they’re for display only, By contrast, some pairs of designer frames are relatively cheaper with or without insurance coverage.

71. The Mirror of Erised always reflects what you desire.

Well, this one is just a mirror which only reflects what you look like. And this can be yours for $69.00.

72. For the shiny smart witches, you might take to this blinged Ravenclaw bra.

Seems like something you’d find in Luna Lovegood’s lingerie drawer. And I don’t think she’d wear it to impress boys. But you’d never know.

73. Now you can write like a wizard with this replica Harry Potter quill set.

This set costs about $34.99, which is pretty steep. Because I could easily find a feather like that during a walk to the cemetery around turkey season. In fact, I have a quill of my own that I didn’t have to pay for at all.

74. Now you can open up letters with this mighty sword of Gryffindor letter opener.

Now that looks like one of the most expensive letter openers I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I bet it costs more than a mere paper weight.

75. Keep yourself magically clean with some Sirius Black inspired soap.

Let’s hope these smell like Books 4 and 5 Sirius Black and not Book 3. Because the Book 3 Sirius Black smells worse than Hagrid on a good day.

76. For some magical tea time, you can always go with a Deathly Hallows tea infuser.

Of course, since the books came out in Britain you can understand this. Then again, the Deathly Hallows did protect Harry from Voldemort.

77. Hold your toast on the Hogwarts Express rack.

Yes, give your toast a ride from the toaster to Hogwarts. Wonder if it does come with a Hogwarts toaster. Wouldn’t be surprised.

78. Light up your magical life with these Harry Potter book lighters.

I don’t know about you but these look like cigarette lighters to me. Oh, wait they are cigarette lighters, which is kind of disturbing if you ask me.

79. Nothing makes your magic life complete like a figurine of Hedwig in a cage.

Sure owls don’t make good pets. Still, I think a plushie Hedwig would make more sense than one like this.

80. Commemorate the Prisoner of Azkaban with your very own dementor snow globe.

Because nothing brings fond memories like being surrounded by beings of dread that can suck your soul. Be sure to be like Lupin and have plenty of chocolate.

Because nothing brings fond memories like being surrounded by beings of dread that can suck your soul or make you realize that you have PTSD. Be sure to be like Lupin and have plenty of chocolate.

81. This cutting board will help you begin any Hogwarts feast.

And without house elves, too. However, you’ll probably be chopping veggies without magic either.

82. Now you can see your own panoramic views with these omnioculars.

They’re wizard binoculars but they let you see more. Not sure if the muggle version works though.

83. Get your own Three Broomsticks souvenir mug.

Funny, this Three Broomsticks logo looks very similar to the Starbucks one. Wonder why that is.

84. Whoever drinks from this flask of Veritaserum always tells the truth.

Well, maybe not. But since it’ll be filled with alcohol, it might lead the drinker to tell truths that you’ve never heard before.

85. Get into the best of pureblood supremacy fashion with this Lucius Malfoy walking stick.

Note that Lucius’s wand is inside it, too. Costs $109.00, which is probably cheaper than what Lucius originally got it for.

86. Grace your Christmas tree this year with this Harry Potter potions master keepsake ornament.

Because nothing says Merry Christmas like doing a lab while being bullied by the teacher who hates you because he never got over your mom. Still, Harry should be lucky that Snape would never try to kill him.

87. Celebrate Christmas by hanging this ornament of Harry in front of the Mirror of Erised.

Because nothing brings up wonderful Christmas memories than longing for the sight of your long dead parents. You know because they were murdered during your infancy.

88. For your holiday season, you can’t go wrong with the gargoyle guard ornament.

For nothing brings fond memories on Christmas than being sent to the principal’s office. Fortunately, Hogwarts’ headmaster is Albus Dumbledore who knows very well that Harry didn’t open the Chamber of Secrets.

89. Freshen your home with this Hagrid scented candle.

This is said to carry scents like dragon fire, mulled mead, and Hogwarts grounds. Nevertheless, would you want your place smelling like Hagrid? Probably not.

90. This tank expresses that you’ll be working out for the Triwizard Tournament.

Of course, the Triwizard Tournament occurs every 100 years. Yet, despite being ineligible, Harry was drafted into it as an unwilling participant.

91. Have your room smelling sweet with this Snape scented candle.

Said to smell like potion textbooks, dungeon corridors, and lilies. What it should smell like: hair grease.

92. Relive the first Harry Potter book with this Sorcerer’s Stone replica.

Sure it may not grant immortality or turn metals into gold. But it will take $93 out of your wallet.

93. Bring back the memories of Harry’s first time in the Forbidden Forest with this necklace of unicorn blood.

As you know, drinking unicorn blood may keep you alive. However, because you’ve slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself, you’re doomed to a half-life, a cursed life the moment the blood touches your lips.

94. Swish and flick to change the channel with this Harry Potter universal remote control.

Sure it looks cool. But I wonder what spells you have to perform to turn it on/off, control volume, or change the channel.

95. With such shot glasses, you’ll solemnly swear you’re up to no good.

Well, at least that’s an appropriate message for a shot glass. On the other side it says, “mischief managed.” Drink responsibly.

96. For those who wondered where their Hogwarts acceptance letter is, they might appreciate this gift.

Okay, it might not get you into Hogwarts because that place doesn’t exist. But it will make $60 magically disappear from your wallet. Also includes Marauder’s Map.

97. For coffee all you have to say is Espresso Patronum.

Uh, I don’t think getting coffee works that way. However, this is pretty clever if you ask me.

98. Step into a world of magic with these Harry Potter high heeled shoes.

Yes, these are sparkly. But I’m not sure why these exist. Guess there’s a Harry Potter nightclub around some corner.

99. When playing game of Quidditch you can’t go without these Hogwarts House Nike shoes.

Well, at least that makes more sense than Harry Potter high heels. Still, if I had a pair, I’d be afraid to get them dirty. They’re also probably expensive as bloody hell.

100. Relive the Hogwarts experience with this porcelain replica of Hogwarts castle.

Now that seems to resemble a very expensive paperweight. Makes you wonder what they’re going come up with when Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out in June.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Books

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Sixth Edition)

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Have a Spectacularly Magical Wizarding Harry Potter Christmas

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Fifth Edition)

Hogwarts Teacher Evaluations by Albus Dumbledore

Feast in the Great Hall with These Harry Potter Treats

Cast a Magic Spell with These Harry Potter Craft Projects

Diagon Alley Worthy Harry Potter Merchandise