Vintage Thanksgiving Advertising in the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 9, 2014

Now in case you don’t remember, Thanksgiving is a holiday that falls on the last Thursday of November between Halloween and Christmas. It’s the one in which was based off the large 1621 feast in present day Plymouth, Massachusetts between a group of English religious nuts in funny hats and buckled shoes and generous indigenous people who would later become victims of genocide. Still, you would know these groups as “Pilgrims” and “Indians” but if you want to know some of the details from the first Thanksgiving story, you might as well go to my movie history post on Colonial America (it’s the one with Daniel Day Lewis from Arthur Miller’s The Crucible). Anyway, kids make paper costumes and dress like them when they aren’t doing tracing their hands to make turkeys. Of course, it’s been a national holiday since the 1860s though, which might’ve been promoted by an editor of a ladies’ magazine. Anyway, this a time when American families all over the country gather together to give thanks and enjoy a meal consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and perhaps a lot of things that aren’t really good for you. On the TV lineup, you have the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade special in the morning followed by The Purina National Dog Show hosted by John O’Hurley. Both programs are on NBC and in my house. The afternoon is mostly followed with football and an evening with either Thanksgiving programming or Christmas specials. As for me, my nuclear family just invites my grandparents and possibly out of state relatives for steak and shrimp since my mom’s one of eight kids who are mostly seeing their in-laws. Then we have Thanksgiving dinner on the day after, though I’m not sure if I’m going to make it this year since it would Black Friday and I accepted a retail job for the holiday season.

Now when we think of vintage ads pertaining to Thanksgiving, we tend to imagine the Norman Rockwell image of a family gathered at a large table featuring a succulent turkey. Of course, with the Christmas ad cavalcade, that we have any Thanksgiving advertising at all. However, many of these ads I feature in this post don’t really conform to that wholesome family image and may feature dishes that may be as bad on the eyes as they are in your arteries. So without further adieu, here some old timey Thanksgiving ads that you make you glad you didn’t live at that time.

1. Nothing goes better with Thanksgiving dinner than Rhinegold Beer.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she’s sure as hell going to need a drink.

2. On this Thanksgiving, may Buster Brown help positively channel your children’s budding homicidal tendencies.

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he’s probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

3. Drink Budweiser for the first Thanksgiving was for corn.

For one, beer’s made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God’s sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona!

4. Like the Pilgrims, enjoy your Thanksgiving with Heinz’s Boston Baked Beans.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston didn't even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston, Massachusetts didn’t even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false. Yet, there is a Boston in England though.

5. Nothing says Thanksgiving like super skinny model and four turkey dinners in the background.

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they’d gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws). The model kind of reminds me as the bitchy ex-wife from My Name Is Earl if she wore attire from the 1960s.

6. Beer: The Thanksgiving beverage for the grownup table.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn’t disturb the adult family members while they’re hammered on the Turkey Day booze. And even Grandma gets a beer.

7. Try our new Campbell’s Turkey Noodle Soup.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it’s much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell’s shows here. Still, a great taste of salty flavor. Mmmm…salt.

8. Butter always makes everything taste better even turkey in Canada, eh?

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

9. Whether it’s for chocolate cake, stuffed apples, and yams, marshmallows go well with everything.

Now I’m all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

10. For a finishing touch on your Thanksgiving dinner, here’s Maxwell Coffee.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won’t be having any coffee, unless they’re the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

11. Nothing makes a better Thanksgiving decoration than a cranberry scented candle.

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Helman's and the

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Hellman’s and the “candles” are supposed to be salads you have to eat? And there’s even a recipe for it listed. Now this is just fucked up. There’s really no way I’m going to eat food that’s being burned as a candle.

12. For a vegetable, go with Del Monte canned sweet corn because it’s soft on your grandpa’s dentures.

Now my family doesn’t serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it’s out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren’t really good for you anyway.

13. Try to make him taste the best with Campbell’s soup.

Of course, Campbell’s soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell’s, “Mmmm…Salt.” Oh, I’m sure the pilgrim will strangle the turkey to death all the way home. Also, why does the soup have to be tomato for God’s sake?

14. For the black woman, use Du Pont cellophane to seal the freshness of the Thanksgiving food that you’re never going to eat.

You can figure the woman in this ad isn’t going to eat the food she’s wrapping up because her wardrobe screams, “maid.” Let’s just say the black maid is a rather demeaning black stereotype, if you know what I mean.

15. Get that down home feel, with a pack of Winston’s cigarettes.

Of course, they’ll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I’m sure that down home taste isn’t worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

16. Have your cranberry surprise on a platter as a salad or an appetizer.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that’s just disgusting.

17. Buy your Big Ben Westclock to make sure the turkey is baked just right, for death.

I’m sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

18. Try McCormick for your pumpkin spice pie or pumpkin spice latte.

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let’s hope it’s not mildew shall we? Because that would be gross.

19. Don’t have time to cook on Thanksgiving? Well, why don’t you buy a TV dinner?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can’t cook. Also, TV dinners aren’t very good for you either.

20. For actual Thanksgiving dishes, why don’t you go with borderline tupperware Pyrex?

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I’m sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

21. Now join the veggie bandwagon with Lucky Strike cigarettes. It will give you a very good time.

If I were the turkey, I’d be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let’s just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

22. Make Schlitz your Thanksgiving beer as you pull the wishbone.

Let's hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and put go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

Let’s hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

23. Sorry, it’s dinner time, so just let us finish our beer.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don’t understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

24. After Thanksgiving dinner, enjoy a smoke with Turkish tobacco.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the young guy's a soldier in WWI so that might the last time he takes a nice quiet smoke in any circumstance. Yet, there must be kids running around for sure.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the family who smokes together all dies of lung cancer.

25. Nothing says Thanksgiving greetings than a Western Union telegram.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can’t wait to eat, the girl doesn’t seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

26. Start your Thanksgiving with Cream of Wheat cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world’s hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

27. Drink some hot Dr. Pepper with lime for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they’re cocktails.

28. Now this woman doesn’t need a man to kill her turkey, all thanks to Chesterfield cigarettes.

Still, I don’t think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won’t tomorrow.

29. How about taking your Thanksgiving turkey leftovers and putting them in a jello bowl to serve as a casserole?

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the stoner food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner.

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the college kid food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner. Just why do they seem to put jello in everything?

30. So what if you overate that Thanksgiving dinner? Why don’t you have a bottle of Coke and double decker sandwich?

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea. After all, some people will need the calories.

31. Butter your Thanksgiving bird with Keyko.

I don’t know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying. Still, buttered turkey is bound to clog your arteries.

32. Feast on Ocean Spray cranberries and enjoy them as the Pilgrims did.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn’t eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn’t completely wrong. However, I’m sure they didn’t consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

33. For Thanksgiving dinner, why not make orange marshmallow yam-yums?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God’s sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

34. Smoking, like Thanksgiving is an American tradition.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn’t mean it’s a tradition that should be encouraged.

35. Seagram’s Crown Whiskey, a great beverage for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I’m sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don’t want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can’t resist the turkey smell.

36. For Thanksgiving in 1942, top off your turkey dinner with some Schenley Whiskey.

Good God! I know that’s not Jimmy Stewart because he’s in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It’s a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

37. Behold, a turkey endorsing Schenley Whiskey as the Mayflower beckons in the distance.

Now I’ve seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

38. For you digestion, smoke Camels cigarettes with everything so have a pack on the table to keep you company at all times.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let’s just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

39. For those who can’t get a turkey for this Thanksgiving, why don’t you go with Spam Birds?

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it’s about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I’ll leave it at that.

40. Buy some Dromedary Dates for your Thanksgiving fruitcake.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake. That is, unless it's covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake (or at least admits it). That is, unless it’s covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

41. Even though Mom had to slave all day in the kitchen cooking Thanksgiving dinner, she still had to be well made up with perfect hair.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

42. For your mounds of cranberries in lettuce, use Hellman’s mayonnaise.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

43. Celebrate Thanksgiving with a vegetable loaf containing apple rings, mashed potatoes, and “cranberry turkey.”

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a “cranberry turkey” is, I don’t want to know.

44. Happy Thanksgiving, now bring on the beer.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner’s over.

45. It’s always great for Dad to don his chef’s hat and help out baking the turkey.

Still, it doesn’t hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she’s tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

46. For comfort on your Thanksgiving, there’s Carter’s Trigs.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

47. Shop at Gray’s Market for Thanksgiving with native turkeys.

“Wonder when he finds out it’s poison. Now he’s sure to croak any time now. Can’t wait until the life insurance pays out.”

48. Budweiser – the official beer for Thanksgiving.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

49. Happy Thanksgiving by the General Telephone System and Paul Bunyan.

Hey, I didn’t know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman’s collar shirt form the 20th century?

50. Look your best for Thanksgiving with these Arrow shirts.

And I’m not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady’s ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

NSFW Business Naming and Design

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 24, 2014

When it comes to starting a business, branding is everything. Branding is how businesses market their products and services to potential customers in a way that defines as well as advertises. Now one of the first ways to come up with a brand is in the business’s name. Think of how the name in many of the brands we see today defines the products and services in a lot of today’s enterprises. Still, to the aspiring entrepreneur, the business name could come in many different forms. Some could be just the name and the business you’re offering such as “Dan Paisley’s Auto Parts Store.” Some can be more creative like “Honest John’s Used Car Dealership” or “Handsome Greg’s Hardware Store.” Sometimes you can go with a clever name like many of the businesses in The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series like “Speedy Motors,” “Last Chance Salon,” or “The Handsome Men’s Go-Go Bar.” Yet, however you name your business, make sure it’s suited for a PG or G rated audience and defines what you’re selling. And even if you have a good business name, make sure it’s designed in aw way it doesn’t have unfortunate implications. Still, while there may be a lot of good business names out there, this isn’t the post for them. Rather it’s for those who probably should’ve considered hiring a marketing consultant but didn’t. So without further adieu, here are some bad business names and sign designs that may make you question what the hell the owner was thinking.

1. Doggy Style Pet Shop

I’m sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who’s been around dogs would know what that means.

2. Megaflicks Video Store

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn’t a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

3. Know Knew Books Used Bookstore

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

4. Retarded Children’s Thrift Store

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it’s as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

5. Dong Welding

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn’t refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I’m sure this business name makes men cringe if they don’t know anyone named Dong.

6. Stoner Drug Pharmacy

I’m sure “Stoner Drug” is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, “Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High.” Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

7. Blood’s Seafood & Catering

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it’s not so much for a seafood restauranteur. Then again, you can say that for anything else other than pirate or serial killer.

8. Boring Business Systems

I’m sure if I hear if someone has “Boring” in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

9. Hooker Cockram Construction Firm

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: “Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang.
So there’s a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specializes in erections, called Hooker Cockram.” It’s a construction company in Australia now known as just Cockram and they even have a website, too.

10. Goin’ Postal Shipping Center

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, “going postal” also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986 onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

11. The Barfer Shoppe Pet Food Store

Now this one gets its name from its slogan “Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs.” Of course when I hear “barfer” I usually think of someone regurgitating food that’s already been digested.

12. Poo-Ping Palace Thai Cuisine

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I’m not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later. Either way, still pretty funny.

13. B. A. A. D. Carpet Care

Gets its name from its slogan, “‘Best All Around Deal’ Company.” Still, if you have “bad” in your business name, I’m sure people wouldn’t want to buy it.

14. The Tranny Shop Auto Transmission Repair Service

Of course, “tranny” here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here’s the word, “tranny,” they think of someone who’s been through a sex change.

15. B. J. Queen Enterprises LLC Mechanical Contractor

Now I supposed, “B. J.” is the guy’s name. And I also suppose that he hasn’t seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I’m sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as “B. J. Queen.”

16. Bong’s Cleaners Dry Cleaning

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he’s smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the “Rocky Mountain High” Colorado.

17. Butt Drilling Water Well Engineers

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

18. Bill Buttram Photography

Of course, the logo design doesn’t deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, “Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :).”

19. Cock Polishing Services

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don’t shine. Of course, this won’t count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

20. Cuchi’s Barbershop and Beauty Salon

Of course, when I hear the word, “Cuchi” I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

21. Dick’s Pumping Concrete Service

Doesn’t help that their slogan is, “We’ll put our hose anywhere.” Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

22. The Dress Barn Clothing Store

Now there's nothing wrong with the name. However, it's a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one's clientele livestock won't get them rushing to the door.

Now there’s nothing wrong with the name at first.
However, it’s a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one’s clientele livestock won’t get them rushing to the door.

23. Dykes Lumber Company

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

24. Family Beer & Liquor Store

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I'm sure they came up with "Family" just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don't think a place that sells alcoholic drinks should put "family" in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I’m sure they came up with “Family” just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don’t think a place that sells alcohol should put “family” in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

25. P. C. P. Dining Chinese Restaurant

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

26. Gross Convenient Store

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let’s just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, “Gross,” isn’t a name you’d want to use on a business sign.

27. Hindenburger Restaurant

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you’d say “Oh, the humanity!” Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster? It’s like naming a business after the Titanic.

28. Nude Furniture Store

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

29. PMS Firearms

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that’s what all moody women need while on their periods.

30. Prom Discount Liquors Store

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

31. Hump It & Dump It Waste Removal and Demolitions

This is a business in Britain. Still, it’s name can also be referred to as “one night stand.” Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

32. Spermies T-Shirt Design

Now seriously, what’s with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

33. Butcher Family Funeral Home

Now I’m sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn’t remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

34. Booty’s House of Crabs Restaurant

I’m sure those crabs aren’t the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

35. Dumploads OnUs Junk Removal Specialists

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

36. Vagina Tandoori Indian Cuisine

Now I’m sure restaurants from East Asia aren’t the only ones with dirty names. Hope “vagina” doesn’t mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

37. Fashion Do-Do Clothing Store

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

38. Hand Job Nails & Spa

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it's also where a man could get his dick manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it's on Castro Street in San Francisco.

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it’s also where a man could get his junk manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it’s on Castro Street in San Francisco, home of Harvey Milk.

39. Dirty Dick’s Crab House

Let’s hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick’s are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on. Don’t you want people to bring their kids?

40. Analtech Thin Laser Chromatography

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

41. FAG Bearings Corporation

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, “fag” is short for “faggot,” which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

42. Suck Bang Blow Restaurant and Saloon

Despite the name, it’s probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it’s a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

43. Pho King Way Noodles & Grill

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

44. The Chocolate Log Confectionary and Coffee Shop

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I’m sure “chocolate log” isn’t one of them because it’s another word for “shit.”

45. Ho-Made Restaurant

Now the "Eat In" and "Carry Out" slogan seem to give "Ho-Made" a whole new meaning. Then again "Ho-Made" is said to be short for "homemade" yet we all know what a "ho" is.

Now the “Eat In” and “Carry Out” slogan seem to give “Ho-Made” a whole new meaning. Then again “Ho-Made” is said to be short for “homemade” yet doesn’t make the sign sound less dirty does it?

46. S & M Mini Mall

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o’ nine tails.

47. Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service

Because you never know when you’ll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

48. Big Dick’s Halfway Inn Resort

Doesn’t help when it’s slogan is “Home of the Original Minnow Shot.” Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

49. The Sweet Dairy Air Shop

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn’t help that there’s something phallic about that sheep.

50. Toylet Anime and Airsoft

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you’re sitting on the commode?

51. Herpes Pizza

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what’s with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

52. Cabbages & Condoms Thai Restaurant

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex? Then again, it's in Bangkok.

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex at the same time? Then again, it’s in Bangkok.

53. Hooker’s Funeral Home

Well, it has to be nice that there’s a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who’ve been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

54. Kids Exchange

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, “kids exchange” may read “kid sex change.” Yeah, it happens.

55. Mammoth Erection Scaffolders

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he’s had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

56. Curl Up & Dye Hair Salon

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I’m sure people don’t want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

57. Badcock Home Furniture & More

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it’s a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs. Then again, you may not know who these guys are.

58. The Dirty Hoe Garden Shed

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves. Well, if they’re into that sort of thing and can live with the STDs for the rest of their lives.

59. Barf Bed & Breakfast

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it’s bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

60. Blue Balls Boutique

Now here’s a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren’t getting any right now.

61. Knobs & Knockers Door Accessories

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it’s also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I’ve seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, “What knockers!” And Inga goes, “Oh, thank you, doctor.”

62. S. T. D. Central Flea Market

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

63. Pee & Poo Food & Drink

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting beyond all reason.

64. Shemale Hair Salon

Let’s just hope this salon’s “body works” and “fast altercations” don’t pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I’m perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

65. Pussy Cleaners Dry Cleaning

Finally, the place where I can take my formal wear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

66. Menlove Dental Practice

If you’re a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words “open wide” and “it’s just a little prick” a whole disturbing new subtext.

67. Camel Towing Removal Service

Whether it’s clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

68. Fuk Mi Sushi Bar & Seafood Buffet

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

69. Long Poo Gas Supplies

Whether it’s methane, propane, or whatever’s coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and does nothing to stop global warming.

70. Hammered Liquor Store

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

71. Scandinavian Sun Tanning Salon

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don’t get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it’s kind of a stretch.

72. Sherrill’s Eat Here and Get Gas Rest Stop

I know this is a rest stop, but the word “gas” has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

73. Brick Furniture Store

Let’s just say, you wouldn’t expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

74. Tom Raper RVs

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

75. Killer for Hire Exterminators

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn’t know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I’m sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Back to School Advertising in the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 24, 2014

As with the month of August, back to school season is upon us once more. Soon the kids will be going back to school and/or leaving for college. Yet, if the kids aren’t back to school by now, this is the time to get them ready with back to school shopping. And the wonderful spirit of advertising is bound to help you find the best products and deals for your child’s back to school needs. Of course, this is because back to school season is a big time for American business since a lot of retail giants make a ton of money. And if that retail giant is like Staples, then it’s “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” to quote from their 1990s commercial in which the dad is basically prancing around the store while his children sulk in misery. This parent loves back to school shopping since he knows it’s a time when he can get the little ones off his back and Staples is happy to oblige him. Yet, there are some downsides to back to school shopping. Sometimes the ads feature back to school clothes that may be what Little Susie wants but don’t conform to the school dress code or make her resemble a child streetwalker. Then there’s Timmy who wants a Grand Theft Auto stationery set so he could impress all his friends even though you wonder how he’s able to play that game in the first place since he’s like ten. Oh, and there’s Nate who is all tied up with high school football camp at the moment while Tammy wants a binder with Justin Bieber’s face on it. I could go on and on about the great vintage back to school season ads but you probably wouldn’t enjoy it. Instead, I’ll show an assortment of vintage ads that seem a bit crazy to us nowadays. So without further adieu, here’s a treasury of the old back to school ads people tend to forget.

1. For the college boy in the 1950s, here’s Tom Sawyer college stripes.

Of course, Jimmy’s mom picked the outfit for him thinking it would make him seem sharp. However, Jimmy thinks wearing such outfit would make him the laughingstock at Ole Miss and is currently devising a plan to murder his mother in her sleep.

2. For the teacher, here’s a bottle of Teacher’s Scotch to help you through a day in the classroom.

Teacher’s is actually a brand of scotch whiskey. Yet, this “Are we serious about not drinking Teacher’s on Saturday?” can also have another meaning entirely. I wonder if their TV ad campaigns have people confusing “drinking Teacher’s” with “drinking teachers.”

3. Teacher, what fabric will clothes be woven in America’s future?

Now I don’t know about you, but I know little kids don’t ask questions about fabric or what not. Also, the little girl’s pinafore is way too short and the boy’s shirt is pink which will probably lead him to getting beat up at recess. Oh, and what the hell is the teacher wearing?

4. So for the college bound boys out there, remember that girls are very attracted to men who reek the smell of nicotine.

This is one of a quite a few back to school season ads that targets smoking to college students. Sure Jerry’s nicotine addiction might make him a hit with the ladies in college but he’s headed through a dark future of emphysema, lung cancer, yellow teeth, heart disease, respiratory disease, halitosis, and early death. Sure Jerry is a smoking hot stud now, but he’ll end his days as a very sick man.

5. In 1937, it was perfectly all right for teachers to endorse their favorite brand of cigarettes.

Sure this ad is from 1937, but it basically features a teacher who’s basically endorsing tobacco products, which doesn’t make him a good teacher. Also, he seems to act rather pervy to Miss Hepplewhite whom I’m not sure is one of Mr. Throckmorton’s faculty colleague or possibly his student. Just hope that Miss Hepplewhite is a teacher because the student-teacher romance dynamic isn’t what I want to see in advertising.

6. Want to fit into college? Then start smoking!

Yes, college kids, buy Camel cigarettes today or else that girl in the picture will go to your dorm room and strangle you to death in your bed. Seriously, she’s so terrifying that we had to shoot this ad in black and white since her teeth are yellow.

7. For the school nurse, treat the kiddie cuts with Mercurochrome.

Warning: Contains mercury which is a poisonous element that you don’t want in your bloodstream. Pulled from the US market by the FDA in 2008. Yet, at the time the ad was made, it was over the counter.

8. Of course, we can’t forget underwear for your child’s back to school needs.

Yes, these are tidy whiteys and that’s a teacher with a kid. Still, this isn’t an appropriate show of teacher and student relations. Also, why feature a student and teacher in their underwear at all? It just seems creepy if you ask me.

9. Yes, drink 7UP for a fresh, clean, taste during your awkward moments in high school.

Sure this group perhaps consist of a bunch of good looking rich kids with their fancy cars and fur coats. Yet, while this may seem like an after school double date, notice that the guy in the back seat is touching the front seat driver’s shoulder. And the driver doesn’t really seem to mind for some reason. Considering that this ad was made in the highly homophobic 1950s, it makes me wonder about the two guys’ “friendship.”

10. Apparently Principal Henry Dingbat had a tendency to hire a lot of young and attractive teachers at the local elementary school.

And every year, Mr. Dingbat would stare down his window ogling at the young teachers wondering which one he was going to get lucky with.

And every year, Mr. Dingbat would stare down his window ogling at the young teachers wondering which one of them he was going to get lucky with or whether he had to fire her after knocking her up.

11. Join the Schools at War program and show your American patriotism.

Yes, I know this is a back to school season ad from World War II. Yet, you have to wonder whether “Schools at War” should be an appropriate slogan. Of course, we know what’s probably going to happen with the boy collecting metal things come his senior year if it’s before 1945.

12. Coffee, a perfect drink for a date at a Saturday afternoon football game.

Sure the guy and the girl may be holding hands but the man looks too old to be your conventional 18-22 college student. Rather he seems more like a middle aged professor to me. Then again, maybe it’s the trenchcoat and fedora aging him. Let’s just hope the woman isn’t his student, which would make this ad kind of disturbing if she was.

13. Which senior will you be watching this graduation day?

I don’t know about graduation. However, we’ve all remember the creepy blond guy in the bowtie and the blue “M” shirt. That guy, my friend is future 3 time Academy Award winner, Jack Nicholson who’d later dye his hair dark and star in movies like Chinatown, The Shining, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Five Easy Pieces, and many others. Yes, this guy is going to be big after graduation.

14. Become an unforgettable and disarming woman by buying stockings of course.

Seriously, I would’ve been fine if this was just a vintage picture in Playboy geared toward men and encouraging them to seek out smarter women with big books on their shelves instead of big boobs. Since this is an ad to sell hosiery, I just have to be disappointed. Seriously all the women you read about may be unforgettable and disarming, but many of them did it without wearing hosiery. So does putting on that ad kind of defeat the purpose?

15. Now you, too can have your own notebook containing a picture of your favorite teen heartthrob whether it be David Cassidy or Donny Osmond?

Let’s just say that if you want to embarrass your mother, ask her if she actually had a notebook featuring either of these two guys. Of course, I wonder if they have one those notebooks with Michael Douglas’ picture on them and if my mom had one. Then again, she probably had a notebook with Starsky and Hutch, too.

16. Wear the perfect hosiery and soon you’d have a guy staring up your skirt in the library.

And this is where a young Bill Nye the Science Guy discovered the wonders of human sexuality and reproduction both in a theoretical and literal sense. For him it was the best day in high school he’d ever have. The female’s identity remains a secret to this day.

17. For your platter parties, here’s a spam pizza from Kraft and Spam.

Because if all that smoking in college doesn’t kill you in the future, this spam pizza dish certainly will. I mean a 2 oz. serving contains 15 g of fat, 174 calories, and 767 mg of sodium. Basically, eat enough on it and you’ll be a joke of a Monty Python sketch and die from cardiovascular disease.

18. Nothing is sexier than seeing a guy play the accordion.

Of course, the reason why she may date a guy playing the accordion is: A. He’s the best looking available guy in school. B. Her parents like him and she doesn’t want to let them down. C. His family is rich enough to own a yacht and a hunting lodge. D. She’s secretly gay. E. She just simply loves polka music and Lawrence Welk for some reason. Or F. All of the above.

19. Some people go to school in a building, others outside in the open air.

Now if this classroom were set where I live, the kids would get a lot of days off, usually due to rain, snow, thunderstorms, ice, and what not. This is why outdoor classrooms aren't very practical.

Now if this classroom were set where I live, the kids would get a lot of days off, usually due to rain, snow, thunderstorms, ice, hail, wind, and what not. This is why outdoor classrooms aren’t very practical.

20. Of course, this ad shows a scene of a guy and girl studying chemistry.

Don’t look now, but I think this is about to become a creepy love triangle any time soon. I mean the science teacher is totally checking that girl out which is rather disturbing if you ask me.

21. The party drink on college campuses, well, it’s 7 Up of course.

Of course, they may be talking about school sponsored activities here. However, 7 Up is used in a popular highball drink called 7 and 7. Still, let’s just accept the fact that the most popular beverage on college campuses is beer and leave it at that.

22. Want to be one of the cool kids in school? Then start smoking!

Yeah, these perky kids may look cool, but be warned this is an ad that’s promoting a product that should never be sold to minors at all. Yet, since this is before the later 1960s, tobacco might as well get as many kiddies hooked as it can. Expect these kids to spend the rest of their lives on a respirator with their lungs full of tar.

23. For girls going to college, take hangers, driver’s license, sewing kit, bedsheets, and ukelele?

I’m sure Bethany’s obsession with Hawaiian music is going to drive her roommate Marjorie into many sleepless nights. Still, the girl seems like she doesn’t have a clue.

24. Buy a dress like this and become a distraction to boys in the classroom.

Let’s just say that the boy’s inability to pay attention in school is his fault, not the girl’s. I mean her dress is totally in line with dress code regulations. Yet, since a lot of girls are being blamed for distracting their fellow male students, a lot of them have to endure humiliation of being sent home to change. This isn’t a good thing.

25. Seems that the girls are very much into lumberjack trend for men this year.

Of course, I hope they don’t find out that the guy is a crossdresser who hangs in bars, wears suspenders and a bra, and has a lot of gender identity issues. He also enjoys shopping a lot. Seriously, these girls need to be prepared to be disappointed.

A Word from Our Sponsors: Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 5, 2014

Been successfully framed for a serious crime you didn’t commit? Have you been trying to prove your innocence to the authorities who just don’t listen to you? Does the real culprit have a conspiracy against you? Sick of the real culprit getting away with the crime while you have been sentenced to years in jail? Do you believe that the criminal justice system is unfair to you and that you could better spend your time breaking out of prison and trying to clear your name by catching the real guy?

Wrongful accusations happen all the time in our everyday lives. To be falsely accused of a serious crime is perhaps one of the most horrible things anyone can experience, especially if they know that the real culprit is so much richer and more influential than he or she is and the criminal justice system can be so unfair to those it should protect. Sometimes people are just wrongfully accused of such heinous acts just because they were in a close relationship with the victim, just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, have a shady history, social discrimination, or that you make a convenient fall guy in somebody else’s scheme. And while there are lawyers, they usually don’t tend to stick around once the falsely accused suspect is convicted and sent to prison. Thus, because the were so wronged by the criminal justice system, many can’t do anything else than try exonerating themselves by going on a personal mission to find the real culprits often committing a series of of other crimes in the process whether they be resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, reckless endangerment, assault, and fraud. Sure these crimes are usually minor compared to what you’re unjustly being accused of but they can come back to bite you once law enforcement gets into play. And let’s just say that it would totally suck to be back in prison after all the hard work you’ve done to prove your innocence through any means necessary.

Here at Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance, we understand that you were forced to commit those heinous acts since there were no legally accepted ways to prove your innocence as a fugitive from injustice. Here we strive to protect you from providing advice on how to cover your tracks as well as recommend a list of lawyers who’d be happy to defend you once you’ve exonerated yourself from the crime you’ve been accused of so you don’t have to face the legal consequences of your actions. Whether it be burglary, theft, kidnapping, torture, attempted murder, breaking and entering, hostage taking, property damage, resisting legal custody, hacking, forgery, blackmail, illegal border crossing, transporting firearms across state lines without a permit, unlawful use of a weapon, and giving the bad guy what he totally deserves, we’ll cover you as you pursue the son of a bitch responsible for ruining your life.

* Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance may not be accepted in all situations in which someone is wrongfully accused of a crime and the said person may have to face the legal consequences anyway. Also, doesn’t cover crimes like murder of innocent bystanders or good guys, domestic abuse, terrorism, or sex crimes since these are very serious crimes themselves and won’t make any wrongfully accused person seem sympathetic in comparison. Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance will only cover you until you’ve not only been exonerated from the original crime but also after you get off on the other crimes you’ve committed in your pursuit to clear your name.

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: ACME Superhero Insurance

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 3, 2014

Are you a superpowered or heavily equipped costumed vigilante who spends considerable amounts of time battling equally powerful bad guys who want to wreak mortal peril and havoc on the general public just for the heck of it? While using your God given superpowers to save mankind, do you find yourself having to plow through buildings, demolishing half of a metropolitan area, or killing countless innocent civilians, having to temporarily “borrow” somethings you’ll probably forget about later, or jaywalking? Has your heroic antics led to rising costs of living in the city, potential lawsuits, and the lack of respect from your human beneficiaries due to causing collateral damage and the fact the villains usually keep coming back to fight another day?

Yes, we know that there are infamous supervillains roaming around the DC and Marvel as well other comic universes that can’t be stopped by your friendly neighborhood law enforcement agencies. Face it, a supervillain is just too powerful for local police to stop which is where superheroes like you come in to save the day. After all, if it wasn’t for you to stop the bad guy with your kick ass techno gadgets or God given superpowers, then whole cities would be destroyed and countless of civilians could be enslaved or dead. Perhaps the supervillain is planning some kind of apocalypse that needs to be thwarted or it could be the end of the world as we know it.

As everyone knows in the Marvel and DC as well as other comic book universes, extensive collateral damage is an endemic unfortunate side effect of practically every time superheroes and supervillains confront each other. Large parts of cities are leveled, countless buildings are smashed and destroyed, and weapons are fired in every direction potentially hitting innocent people. Oh, and there are explosions. Lots of explosions. Sure you’ve saved the day and everyone’s grateful enough to give you a ticker tape parade in your heroic efforts. Yet, after the celebrations die down, people aren’t going to be too happy with you since your efforts in making the world a safer place has its share of unfortunate consequences for your human beneficiaries. Superhero battles can cost civilians not just their lives, but also their homes, jobs, loved ones, property values, businesses, money, and other things, which could potentially lead you to be subject to class action lawsuits, criminal charges in property damage that could land you for years in a maximum security federal prison, accusations of terrorism, public disgrace, and other unfortunate outcomes that you probably can’t afford with your day job salary.

Sure you may have a secret identity to shield you from the unfortunate consequences of your vigilantism. Of course, you may also have a secret identity for reasons like wanting a normal life away from your superhero activities, wishing to protect your loved ones against enemy retaliation, desiring privacy from the celebrity limelight associated with caped crusaders, or because your insurance policy doesn’t have a superhero clause. However, what most superheroes don’t understand that having a secret identity isn’t 100% effective. While trying to protect that secret identity, superheroes are often place in the worst kind of situations that threaten to expose it. Besides, everyone is going to figure out who you are eventually. There must be someone at The Daily Planet who’d figure out why Clark Kent bears an uncanny resemblance to Superman, often cuts work during an alien invasion with last recorded sightings at phone booths, and never shows up during Superman appearances. Not to mention, there must’ve been some time when Dr. Bruce Banner lost his temper in public which would lead him to making a scene as the Incredible Hulk only to proceed in smashing everything in the process. Of course, someone is bound to find why Peter Parker’s girlfriend is kidnapped by some mad scientist supervillian, he’s bound to certainly know. And the city of Gotham will certainly have to figure out that Batman is never going to save the day while some supervillain is holding local millionaire Bruce Wayne hostage for a significant amount of time.

Here at ACME Superhero Insurance, we specialize in taking care of all your superhero needs at a reasonable price whenever your battle with a powerful supervillain or aliens results in extensive collateral damage. We’ll cover the costs of cleanup and repairs as well as the presumably generous settlements for those who want to sue your spandex ass as well as prosecutors who want to indict you for the countless civilian deaths you caused. Yes, we’ll make sure these lawyers manage to get you off on the Good Samaritan laws because hundreds of casualties in New York are a small price to pay when it comes to saving the world from possible global annihilation. We’ll recommend to you a list of lawyers who would be happy to tend to your legal needs in case you’re either sued or indicted on damages. We also have our special team of operators and agents standing by 24/7 for any questions you may ask such as: How do I deal with surviving family members who want to see me in jail for accidentally shooting their loved one on the street? How can I afford your insurance policy on my photographer’s salary? How much do I pay Damage Control for cleanups and repairs? How do I control my anger so I don’t have to turn into a green angry monster smashing everything to hell and back? We at ACME Superhero Insurance provide you with all this at an affordable price that’s accommodating to your finances because we all know that the average superhero isn’t some billionaire playboy with some big industrial corporation he inherited from his father.

For years ACME Superhero Insurance has has striven to provide exceptional service for so many caped vigilantes like you out there so you wouldn’t have to face the legal and financial consequences of your actions. We understand that superheroes like you make valuable contributions to humanity and try to live as upstanding citizens in a community. We know that you wish to use your talents and/or gadgets for public service in this world and you would eagerly defend it against imminent threat of supervillains, aliens, nukes, exceptionally unstable criminals, mad scientists, doomsday machines, and you name it. We know that there are negative repercussions in the business of saving the world but that doesn’t mean that you should be impeded by the legal and financial consequences that might ruin your life. Because of our policy to provide quality affordable insurance coverage to superheroes across the nation in all comic book universes, we have become one of the most trusted names in the business with countless satisfied customers. Take a look at some of their testimonies:

“After saving the day by defeating General Zod in an epic battle with my super strength, I was soon labeled a terrorist by the US government for wiping out half of Metropolis and 87% of Smallville that amounted to $2 trillion in damages as well as countless casualties. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I was able to get off on Good Samaritan laws and avoid a life sentence at a federal maximum security prison.”-Superman

“Hulk rely on ACME Superhero Insurance whenever Hulk angry! Hulk get into violent fights a lot and smash lots of things! Most people Hulk beat up deserve beat up or annoy Hulk! Hulk not actually look for trouble but world cause lots of trouble for Hulk! Make Hulk Angry! ACME Superhero Insurance cover Hulk good for collateral damages always there when Hulk need out of trouble smashing can’t solve! GRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” – The Incredible Hulk

“With college and my work as a news photographer, I usually don’t have enough money to pay for some basic necessities, let alone the money to pay Damage Control to clean up after me or to all those families who lost loved ones while I was trying to save the city from some of the most dangerous guys out there. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I don’t have to worry about breaking the bank when I have to face Dr. Octopus.” – Spiderman

“As a vigilante man, I kill a lot of criminals in the most brutal and sometimes imaginative ways possible since finding and executing them is my greatest passion in life after my family was killed in a Mafia crossfire. Yet, there probably have been times when I accidentally shot the occasional innocent bystander. ACME Superhero Insurance allows me to pursue that passion and is always there whenever I need to get out of some legal problem, usually relating to murder. Apparently my one-man war on crime is illegal under US law so ACME Superhero Insurance always helped me with finding a lawyer who’d help me get off on self-defense or temporary insanity.” -The Punisher

“Since I’m well aware that many mutants have powers that can destroy whole cities, I always recommend ACME Superhero Insurance for my students and the X-Men.” – Professor Charles Francis Xavier

*All applicants must have experience in superhero activities prior to signing with ACME Superhero Insurance. Also, premiums are based on income and destructive potential and are subject to drastically change since many of our customers tend to rack up damages costing in gazillions of dollars. ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t cover crimes and damages for the customer’s time under his or her secret identity. Also, ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t protect against secret identity and wardrobe malfunctions since we specialize in the legal and financial consequences of superhero actions.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 11, 2014

For as long as writing and business existed side by side, advertising has always been with us since communication as everything. Roman gladiators once endorsed products when not fighting each other while print media almost wouldn’t survive without it. Still, while some ads seem fairly harmless others not so much. I could go on all day about the nice cutesy ads your grandparents fondly remember but no one wouldn’t be interested. Instead, I’ll show the not-so-stellar ads to mock for your pleasure. So without further adieu, here is a collection of some of the worst printed ads of yesterday. Note: Some of my ad descriptions may denote sarcasm. Also, some of these ads may be offensive but I posted them because they’re terrible so that’s kind of the point.

1. Who knew a pig could survive after it slices itself in half?

I think the guy who came up with this image must’ve been on drugs if you ask me.

2. Is it always illegal to kill a woman? Uh, yeah, I think it very much is.

Also, why would anyone ever ask that kind of misogynistic question? And on an advertisement out all things. Seriously, I wonder if the guy behind this ad was an inspiration for a character on Madmen or something.

3. Sure all women love to receive a new vacuum for Christmas.

Let’s just say if you’re my significant other and gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I will not be happy. I hate these things for all the noise they make.

4. Treat yourself on Christmas, buy a gun!

Really? A gun? That’s crazy. Wonder if treating yourself to getting a gun for Christmas may be a sign you need some psychiatric counseling.

5. Sure Iver Johnson revolvers are safe around kids. This ad guarantees it.

“Absolutely Safe,” “Accidental Discharge Impossible,” “Pa says it won’t hurt us,” as this ad promises. However, all these sayings are what is known in the advertising business as “bullshit.” Guns are never safe around kids and accidental discharges will happen.

6. Drinking Smirnoff would lead a woman to become a bra burning feminist.

This was probably designed by some asshole who has no idea of what feminism is. Still, anything is possible while handling Smirnoff like date rape which might be on the mind of the guy next to her. Empowering to women? I think not.

7. Blatz understands that young mothers always need a drink if they want their babies growing healthy and strong.

Uh, huh, I’m not sure if marketing beer to young mothers as a health drink is a good idea. Still, I wonder if the baby will be plastered on the mother’s breast milk after she drinks some.

8. Apparently this white kid thinks black people are using the wrong soap.

Try using the Fairy soap on your black friend, kid. Chances are, the blackness is never coming off because it’s the person’s natural skin color. Just because a person’s skin is dark doesn’t mean he or she is dirty or should be treated any differently than as an equal. This is a pretty racist ad but it’s not the worst I’ve seen. But posting it will certainly not get black people to like you.

9. Men who don’t wear Van Heusen Oxfords obviously come from a savage cannibalistic tribe in Africa.

Another offensive and racist ad. This not only calls blacks savages but also insults people in Third World countries as savage and cannibalistic brutes, which many are not. Even if that were true, we shouldn’t refer to their culture as any barbaric than our own. This ad is just a bunch of Western imperialistic nonsense.

10. Buy Kenwood mixer because even chefs need wives to cook in their own homes.

Hey, since when is cooking primarily the wife’s job? If I was married to a chef, I sure wouldn’t cook for him. Any male chef who makes his wife cook for him is a jerk. Stay in the kitchen my ass.

11. Because every boy needs to have his own little assault rifle.

What the fuck? Why in God’s mercy would you give your kid this? This is almost as bad as the real thing, not that it helped the soldiers in Vietnam. Oh, I see why they had these toys so boys can get excited about being drafted. It’s disturbing, really.

12. Daisy always knows guns make the best Christmas gifts for the whole family.

I really don’t want to live next to these people. Let’s just say guns are another thing I wouldn’t want for Christmas.

13. Drink Poulain Chocolate or else the pale face clown will get you.

I wonder if this hot chocolate drinking clown is related to the Joker from Batman.

14. Using Diamond Dyes will make your kid pretending to be a sociopath.

If my kid was playing with some blood colored dye I’d feel the same way like that horrifying child’s mother. I wonder if this child’s utter delight in it may foreshadow a future as a serial killer.

15. See, even Santa smokes so cigarettes must be good for you.

Seriously, I think doing tobacco endorsement should automatically put someone on the naughty list. And I don’t think Santa should be exempt from that.

16. It’s nice having a girl around the house, to step on.

Look, this is not only offensive toward women but also to tigers. You can’t treat women like doormats or kill tigers and make rugs out of them. You also can’t step on women’s heads either.

17. Make every ocean liner trip a gay cruise on American Export Lines.

On American Export Lines, everyone is guaranteed to have a gay old time. However, a gay cruise today would mean something completely different.

18. Because group showers save money.

Sure group showers may save money and be prevalent among athletes. Yet, they also tend to be the butt of gay jokes, especially since the world of men’s sports is rather homophobic. Still, these boys seem perfectly fine naked in each other’s company. One is even singing while washing his hair. However, this is in here because it was made at a highly homophobic time yet much of it may be teeming with gay subtext to add further irony.

19. Munsingwear Men’s Underwear: Because you never know when you’ll be wrestling in your underwear.

As to why any two straight men would even want to wrestle with each other in their underwear, I don’t have the slightest idea. Another 1950’s ad teeming with gay subtext. Is anyone on Madmen in the closet or something?

20. Not sure what you want your husband to buy anything for you for Christmas? Circle the following.

I’m sure all women would want these kitchen appliances for Christmas. I sure wouldn’t. Still, I think it’s kind of insulting. Also, what should my husband give me if I want something that’s not on that piece of God forsaken garbage.

21. Husband doesn’t like the coffee? Let him give you a good spanking.

I’m kind of looking forward to the next ad when the wife throws her husband out the house and puts him under a restraining order. Seriously, why in God’s name would anyone think this is funny? This is domestic violence for crying out loud! Buy our coffee or your husband will beat you? What kind of message is that?

22. Doctors smoke Camels so you should, too.

Smoking is prevalent among medical professionals as well as a lot of other bad habits. However, as we know from watching medical show, we know that just because people in healthcare engage in certain habits like smoking doesn’t mean everyone else should. Just because people may take good care of others doesn’t mean they’re taking good care of themselves. Nevertheless, this ad is wrong on so many levels.

23. Relieve that toothache pain with cocaine. That’s the ticket.

Of course, a well known proponent of cocaine was Sigmund Freud. Yes, the famed father of psychoanalysis himself was a cokehead. Still, if you have a toothache, you should probably see a dentist.

24. Scot Towels will wipe away Communism in your home and workplace.

Reminds me of that Terry Gilliam animated toothpaste commercial on Monty Python. Yes, Scot Towels has the Joe McCarthy zeal that will wipe away all those dirty Communists in your home. Not really.

25. Lucky Strike will turn you from a chunky fat guy to a world class athlete.

This would be more accurate if the fit guy was replaced with a corpse. There’s no way in hell smoking Lucky Strikes will make you into a world class athlete. It will more likely shed years off your life and lead you to an early grave.

26. Because you can never start shaving too young.

Babies should never ever have sharp objects in their hands, including safety razor. So many things can go wrong with that. Who ever thought of making this disturbing ad? Wonder if he has any kids. If he does, he lacks a lot of basic parenting skills.

27. Because happy babies loved being sealed in plastic wrap.

What’s with the babies in plastic wrap? Babies aren’t food products. Is this child abuse or cannibalism?

28. Sure DDT’s destruction to wildlife would inspire Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring, but it’s honestly as good as mother’s milk.

Better living through chemicals taken to new levels of absurdity. Sure DDT may kill pesky insects but it also gets rid of wild animals like bald eagles and other now endangered species. And if it’s harmful to wild animals, it’s certainly bad for people. I mean this pesticide helped inspire a whole movement. God, this is as bad as anything from Monsanto. Yet, at least that company doesn’t do the same thing with Round-Up.

29. I’m Ronald Reagan and I endorse Chesterfields for America.

Say, Ronnie, have you thought that by the time you get into politics, smoking may not seem cool anymore because it leads to well, cancer? Also, didn’t you and your wife help start the War on Drugs during your presidency? Too bad you couldn’t say no to appearing on a cigarette ad.

30. Use Pear’s soap and don’t throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Seriously, this is horrifying. Why would anyone have an ad like this? No wonder the baby is crying it’s eyes out. Certainly not looking to bath time in the future after that traumatizing experience.

31. Love’s Baby Soft: because innocence should be in the form of a sexualized little girl.

“Because innocence is sexier than you think.” Really? Why come with this ad? This girl is probably a teenager at most. God, and you think my generation is screwed up over child beauty pageants and the Disney Channel. This is disturbing.

32. Gang rape scantily clad streetwalkers under the influence is always fun in Broomsticks slacks.

I hope these boys have their lives ruined over this because this imagery is nothing to joke about. At best this is street harassment. At worst it is prelude to gang rape. Simply sexist and deeply offensive. Whoever designed this piece of shit ought to be ashamed of themselves.

33. Drink 7UP because baby is never too young for his first soft drink.

Yes, start your baby on a drink full of empty calories that will lead to early tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, hyperactivity, anxiety, sleep deprivation, bone loss, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, giving your baby pop is a good idea. Soft drinks are probably among the unhealthiest beverages on the market.

34. Traveling in the Middle East, then fly with Pakistan International.

Of course, no one is going to think of crashing a plane into those enormous skyscrapers. Oh, I forgot those buildings aren’t around anymore because terrorists crashed planes into them on 9/11.

35. Because lead paint is the best paint.

Of course, lead paint is bound to lower intelligence, stunt growth, delays development, cause kidney damage, cause reproductive problems, and may even cause cancer. Yeah, and you wonder why we don’t use lead paint anymore. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that these lead party guests consists of toy soldiers and plates.

36. Pass for white with Chlorinol bleach.

God this is so blatantly and virulently racist as well as contains an N-word reference to boot, which should never be used in advertising especially alongside “white.” As for the bleaching for lighter skin, it seems like a disturbing and destructive practice. Also, these black kids are pretty scary looking. Where is Chlorinol bleach to wash out this horrendously racist ad? My deepest apologies to the NAACP.

37. For limited time only, here’s a replica of an exploding hand grenade.

Of course, you can buy one of these and watch your WWII veteran dad experience sudden flashbacks as well as bring him back to the days on the front he’d rather forget. Yes, your dad will relive all those PTSD memories all over again.

38. Get the SEGA video game control and be the naked couch potato in your parents basement you always wanted to be.

Yeah, this guy seems to have so much fun with SEGA he doesn’t seem to take any time to get dressed. Yeah, why can’t this guy find something else to do with his life?

39. Only this kid knows what other meat tastes like pork.

Don’t look now but I think this child seems to have a nasty grin on his face. That can’t be good. Something tells me he may not be totally satisfied and may have a craving for human flesh.

40. Try the Deep South peanut pie, or else this naked fedora kid will use you into one.

This kid isn't cute. It's as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and just drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that's it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.

This kid isn’t cute. It’s as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that’s it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.

41. Swift’s: The quality restaurant for the potentially murderous child.

Yes, she’s a raging murderous psychopath all right. What is it about old ad artists that they seem to draw children so creepy looking?

42. Because why should you wait until summer to get a tan?

Yeah, why wait till summer where you can expose yourself to skin cancer causing UV rays today and for half the price? And I thought the tanning craze now was insane.

43. Either this woman has been very good this year or Santa just likes what he sees.

Bad, Santa, you should know better than anyone not to stare up women’s skirts. Wonder what Mrs. Claus would think of this.

44. Hey, honey, why don’t we make out under the mistletoe and traumatize our kids for the rest of their lives?

And this is how “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was born.

45. Kids keep wetting the bed, well protect them with Stay Dry child diapers.

I think having those pants on is much more psychologically disturbing than wetting the bed. Also, that boy has to be about 8-10 years old who shouldn’t be having those problems.

46. Jester Wools will always make you gay.

Nowadays this slogan would make right wing Christians in the South cringe with fear. Doesn’t help with the colorful jester and rainbow.

47. Step in the spa with Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.

These inflatable Bermuda shorts made from the skin of the Michelin Tire Man seem to make crocs stylish by comparison. Boy, do those people look ridiculous.

48. Overweight? Lose weight through the tapeworm diet.

This was a big weight loss fad back in the day. Still, I think having a parasite living in my digestive tract is kind of disturbing.

49. Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab is fun educational toy for the kids as well as completely safe and harmless.

This toy probably doesn’t work because parents would certainly complain. As we know from Chernobyl and Fukishima, atomic energy isn’t safe even in children’s toys. Also, I think this toy may be illegal nowadays for obvious reasons. You’re better off getting your kid a chemistry set.

50. Worried about nuclear attack? Protect your family with a fallout shelter and you’ll be ready to survive total nuclear annihilation.

I’m sure a fallout shelter will save you in a nuclear attack. Actually, it’s probably going to useless and you’ll probably die in a nuclear attack anyway.

51. Real men use whiskey toothpaste because the regular stuff is for sissies.

A 6 proof alcoholic tooth paste. I guess there’s no artificial flavors is there? Also, why?

52. Saying your product contributes to melting glacier isn’t something to brag about.

Of course, this ad says that their fuel emissions melt the glaciers with pride. Nowadays, they’d deny that man made climate change even exists and it’s hurting the planet. Well, that’s Big Oil for you.

53. Depressed, just drink some of Phosferine tonic wine and chase all those blues away.

Seriously, I don’t want to know what’s in this. Drug of choice for the unhappy housewife who can’t find any escape from her second-class status.

54. Somehow the “skinless wieners” doesn’t seem to have the same connotation these days.

Somehow I find it rather comical when these old timey folks refer hotdogs as wieners. It’s just makes this seemingly wholesome ad dirty. Unfortunately this isn’t from Oscar Meyer.

55. Chilprufe underwear for the active service man who may be in the closet.

Seriously, what’s with the two underwear clad men possibly touching each other? For God’s sake, there’s no way those guys are “just friends.”

56. Use ethyl high-octane gasoline, like these Indian speed demons.

Someone seems to have a little too much fun at the casino. Oops, sorry about that. Also, as with ethyl fuel. well, it has done its share of widespread environmental damage over the years than other forms of gasoline because it contains lead. And we thought Indians cared about Mother Earth.

57. So I guess the Canadians weren’t so above it all either.

Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren't human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nice than us all this time.

Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren’t human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nicer than us all this time.

58. Use Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator and drive all your demons away.

Kind of find the idea of demons in your head kind of terrifying. Also, may not work on schizophrenics.

59. Agitated seniors giving you grief? Calm them down with Thorazine.

So if there’s a contentious old guy saying “Get off my lawn!” we should drug him with this? Well, that’s sure going to make his transition to the old folks home a hell of a lot easier. Still, I don’t it would work on Clint Eastwood though.

60. I’m sure having your baby under the sun lamp is completely safe.

Let’s just say that putting your baby over a tanning lamp is a very bad idea even if the ad says it can’t burn. Oh, it will. Is this something taken from the Snooki Parenting Manual here?

61. Flip N’ Style: The hair dryer for bald people.

At least we know where Sinead O’Connor got her start. Of course, why would she want a hair dryer, I don’t have the slightest idea.

62. Oh, a funeral home service. Wait, it’s an employment agency.

I think this agency may need to rethink their advertising approach. It still looks more appropriate for a funeral home to me.

63. Try Groves Tasteless Chill Tonic and even you can turn into a pig bodied abomination.

If having a pig body is one of this tonic’s side effects, then I’m sure not taking that no matter how depressed I am.

64. Give your children Bee Hive corn syrup and see them become the next heavyweight champion.

Yeah, I’m sure corn syrup is going to make a bruiser out of your baby. Also, why is the tyke wearing boxing gloves? Is it participating in some kind of pewee boxing league? This is messed up.

65. Beer: the health drink for the whole family.

Just think, grandpa, in just over a century later, you could be arrested for serving this to minors.

66. Ayer’s Cathartic Pills: made by the hands of babes.

For a pharmaceutical company to say that their pills are packaged by naked children would send shockwaves among the masses nowadays. Also, they’re probably not practicing proper sanitation either.

67. Of course, this ad is sure to cater to a younger audience.

Child mascots for tobacco companies are a horrible idea. Still, talk about appealing to a younger demographic, which tobacco companies try to get kids hooked on their product at the earliest as possible. This is pretty disturbing in of itself.

68. Enhance your beauty with this face squeezing torture device.

As if botox wasn’t bad enough, we have the face crusher. That certainly does not look comfortable.

69. What young boy wouldn’t be without his own machine gun?

Even funnier, this gun is called “Big Dick.” Now you can experience the machine gun’s rapid fire that will traumatize your WWI veteran dad from his days in the trenches. Yet, unlike him, you won’t experience the dirty trenches or the vast carnage that accompanied the Great War. Now isn’t that fun?

70. Smoke Virginia Slims and be like Wonder Woman.

Of course, she may not be Wonder Woman (maybe her evil twin considering what smoking does to people) but this ad is trying to appeal to feminists. However, just because most of the information in this ad is true to some extent, using female empowerment to sell a terrible destructive product is rather disturbing if you really think about it. Rather smoking Virginia Slims will not make you look like Wonder Woman’s stand-in.

Advertising Lost in Translation

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 21, 2013

Many time we don’t realize that we live in a world of globalized markets where products are sold all around the world. In some ways this is good for business. Yet, in other ways, it gets really hard to advertise, especially with the certain cultures and languages are involved, often with rather funny and disturbing results. An advertisement in one country will not always have the same effect in the other. And sometimes some slogans may be a country’s equivalent to something offensive or negative and won’t waste the time. So here’s a list of advertising gone lost in translation. (Viewer discretion is advised and it might not be safe for work.)

1. Any time there’s an advertisement with a before and after picture going left to right in the Middle East. Middle Easterners usually read from right to left so presenting an ad like this is telling them your product sucks or cause what it’s supposed to alleviate. Thus, it’s like diet pills and weight loss plans make you fat, medicine makes you sick, and cleaning products make everything dirty to someone in Saudi Arabia.

2. The origin of Exxon was a move to prevent this during a planned consolidation of the Enco and Esso brands of Standard Oil of New Jersey. It was originally going to be Enco until it was learned “enco” means “stalled car” in Japanese.

3. Any product containing the word “mist” and sold in Germany. In that country, it means manure. Interestingly, the word “mist” actually comes from the Old German word originally referring to the steam rising from a fresh pile of dung. Also, Clariol’s Mist Stick bears some similarity to the German “mistuck” meaning “bitch” or “piece of manure.”

4. The Japanese have a popular milky soft drink named Calpis (sounds similar to “cow piss”) and energy drinks named Pocari Sweat and its spin-off Pet Sweat.

5. The case with a port called Cockburn’s Dry Tang. Of course, this may have funny implications already in English. Yet, in Sweden “tang” is a term used for seaweed and as an obscure term for vagina. Also, didn’t help matters when it was changed to “Cockburn’s Dry Cock.” Also, the Cockburn name is said to be pronounced “co-burns” and is said to derive from an Old English personal name meaning “warrior with black sword.” Still, doesn’t help inciting shits and giggles though.

6. Any product with “vic” in it and sold in Germany where it sounds like “fick” meaning “fuck.”

7. Sega has two cases in Italy and Sweden. In Sweden it means to procrastinate, do something slowly, and tough when it comes to food. In Italy, it means “to masturbate.”

8. There is a Latin American bread brand named Bimbo after its mascot a bear. Of course, call any feminist a bimbo in America and you’d get a very different reaction.

9. There is a German vitamin-boosted hot chocolate mix named Scho-vit. It’s obvious why it’s not popular in English-speaking countries.

10. The Polish piano maker Calisa sells under a different name in Finland since it’s similar to the Finnish word for “long underpants.”

11. I wonder if the light bulb company Osram ever knew that their name meant “I will shit (on something)” in Polish.

12. There is a shaving cream in Norway called, “Barber Skum.” Kind of an insult to English-speaking barbers.

13. There is a Barf Detergent in Iran with “barf” meaning “snow” in Persian. Of course, in English it pertains to why someone might need detergent.

14. A literal translation of a men’s underwear brand in Taiwan means “little yellow pansy.”

15. There is a bus company named Fucker in Germany and one in Switzerland named FART (listed on a travel guide as “that’s the company name, not the means of propulsion.”)

16. There is a South African truck line named Tata, a slang for breasts in the US.

17. It’s always been hard to translate a brand name into an acceptable one in foreign countries, more difficult if it’s from a different writing system:

a. Some Coca Cola mistranslations in Chinese range from “bite the wax tadpole” to “bite the wax-fattened mare.”

b. A Pepsi slogan that said “Come alive! You’re the Pepsi Generation!” was allegedly mistranslated in Chinese as “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead!”

c. The Ben and Jerry flavor “Chunky Monkey” was mistranslated in Japanese as “Chunks of Monkey.”

18. Cars have a similar problem as well with names, especially marketing in Latin America:

a. Originally the Ford Cortina was going to be the Ford Caprino until the company learned that “caprino” means “goat-like” or “goaty” in Spanish. Though they didn’t know that “cortina” is Spanish for “curtain.”

b. Honda once introduced a model named “Fitta” until they learned it was crude term for female genitalia in Norwegian and Swedish. Was also going to be used with the slogan, “It looks small on the outside, but is huge once you get in.” Was renamed “Jazz” and “Fit” according to market.

c. Strangely the Buick Lacrosse was renamed the Buick Allure in Canada since “crosse” is Quebecois slang for “fraud, swindle, rip-off” as well as “to jerk off.” It was later restored to its original name and GM began offering replacement nameplates.

d. No one wanted to buy the Chevy Nova in Spanish speaking countries since “nova” means “doesn’t go.”

e. The Nissan Moco and Mazda Laputa could be seen in Spanish as the Nissan Snot and Mazda Whore.

f. The Mitshibishi Pajero was marketed the Montero or Shogun because “pajero” was Spanish slang for “wanker.”

g. The Toyota MR 2 failed to sell in France because it’s similar to “est merdeux” meaning “shitty.”

h. Chrysler did significant poorly when trying to sell in China because its company’s name was translated in Mandarin Chinese to “about to die.”

i. Bad marketing naming could be in English speaking countries as well. For instance, take the Nissan Cedric. “Cedric” was said to be an Australian slang term for homosexual. To which a Nissan exec said, “Australia has many homosexuals, therefore we shall sell many cars!”

19. While KFC’s slogans are “We do chicken right” and “Finger-Lickin’ Good” is translated to Chinese “It’s right that we become prostitutes” and “Eat Your Fingers Off.”

20. There is a major canned vegetable company named Sodd in Norway. Of course, it’s an archaic word for soup.

21. Taco once sold the chili cheese burrito as the “Chilito” until they learned it was Hispanic slang for “small penis.”

22. Though Sharwoods Bundh is a curry sauce, “bundh” is Punjabi slang for “backside.”

23. Though we know it as the appliance company BEKO, it’s actually named Arcelick in its native Turkey.

24. While Pixar may seem a clean name in English, in Catalan it means, “to urinate.”

25. The location bookmarking app Rego got publicity in Brazil after it was found, “rego” means “drain” or “gutter” in Portuguese.

26. The Perdue Farms’ slogan “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” was once said to be translated in Mexico as “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.” And it may not be a mistranslation.

27. IKEA has plenty of these since they don’t relabel their products for foreign markets, no matter how stupid they sound in local languages. A few examples:

a. While Gutvick is a town in Sweden and a decent name to brand a bunk bed, in German it bears similarity to “guter fick” meaning “good fuck.”

b. While “Frak” is a mirror brand, in the US it is a name for a set of mirrors in Battlestar Galactica as well as used as a verb describing as a gas and oil extraction process and short for “hydraulic fracturing,” “hydro-fracking,” or “fracking.” (Contrary to what oil and gas companies say, hydraulic fracturing has never been proven as a clean technology. Rather, it’s a controversial practice getting a lot of opposition from environmentalists and scientists alike.)

c. People in Finland were angry when IKEA named a toilet brush “Viren” also happening to be the last name of a legendary Finnish runner. Not to mention, it means viruses in German.

d. While “Kimme” may be a name of an IKEA chair, it also means “ass crack” in German.

e. While in Sweden “Jerker” may be a male name, “Farfull” means “speedy,” and “Lessebo” is a name of a town, all these sound funny in English.

f. Though “Sarna” is a name for an IKEA chair, it means “scabies” in Spanish.

g. Though “Hoven” may be a Swedish town and a perfectly fine name for a carpet, in Czech it’s the plural genitive form of the word meaning “shit.”

h. In IKEA “Trampa” is a doormat while it means “crap” in Portuguese and “trap” in Spanish.

28. Marketers of Colegate ran into problems when initially advertising in Latin America as “colgate” translates to “hang yourself” in voseante varieties in Spanish.

29. The slogan for vacuum company Electrolux “Nothing sucks like Electrolux” with very negative connotation in the US.

3o. The logo of German ball bearings company reads FAG.

31. There was once a security firm named Wackenut, named after its founder.

32. In Iceland there is an apartment company named “Fagmenn” (professionals), and there are advertising signs saying “Krap” (promoting slushies).

33. A Korean games company once launched a dictionary video game named “Touch Dic.”

34. There was once London nightclub named “Huje” which means “dicks” in Polish. (And it wasn’t one of those places.)

35. There was once a German auto-parts company named KKK that shares initials with the American racist hate group and a Philippine revolutionary group.

36. A proposed tourism slogan in Ireland was “Come for the Craic.” (And yes, it’s pronounced like crack which is Irish slang for fun but wouldn’t go well with Americans if you’ve seen The Wire or Canadians if you’ve seen Rob Ford.)

37. It’s said there’s a Spanish business named “Servicio de Hosteleria Industrial de Terrassa” (Terrassa’s Industrial Catering Service) which uses the acronym S.H.I.T. in its sign.

38. The animation studio, “Studio Khara” was named after the Greek words for “happiness” and “joy.” It also means “shit” in Arabic.

39. There was an Irish pub in Australia called Pug Mahones which is Irish Gaelic for “Kiss my arse.”

40. An Australian tourist ad saying “Where the bloody hell are you?” was banned in Britain and the US.

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The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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