The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Put on a Happy Face”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 12, 2016

For a musical on the Hunger Games, I’m rather astonished that I don’t have many songs featuring Effie Trinket. And for a lot reasons, it’s kind of a shame since Effie is the kind of character who’s well suited for a musical since she has a rather cheerful disposition. Sure she hates her job being stuck as escort for District 12, which is the lamest district by the way. But she nevertheless tackles her vocation with enthusiasm and gusto, which you know is bringing kids to die for entertainment of the masses. Because if she does her job right, she might get a promotion. Yet, because her job is escorting kids to the Capitol where they’d almost always die for entertainment, she can be rather cheerful at a time when it’s most inappropriate to the point of obliviousness that she’s more upset about Katniss stabbing a table than almost stabbing Haymitch’s hand. And she can be kind of a ditz or at least has no idea of how Still, she’s one of the series’ best known and well beloved characters. I mean people don’t dress up as her for nothing. Sure she might seem like a frivolous, apathetic bitch, but later on you get the impression that she genuinely cares about Katniss and Peeta. Yet, sometimes it might not seem to be the case. And eventually, Katniss comes to realize that Effie’s shallowness is a defense mechanism to cope with the Games. Still, in a series that’s filled with violence and dark themes, Effie can always offer a few lines that would make people chuckle, even when she’s completely missing the point.

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When choosing a good song for Effie Trinket, I went with “Put on a Happy Face” from Bye Bye Birdie, a musical that was loosely based on Elvis Presley getting drafted. The original song was sung by Dick Van Dyke and Janet Leigh in the movie, in which the former is telling her to cheer up. Still, it’s a rather familiar tune even though people have no idea where it came from. In the Hunger Games version, I have Effie Trinket trying to cheer up Katniss and Peeta who are legitimately not happy with facing almost inevitable death at such a young age. It also shows how rather insensitive that she can sometimes seem to be.

“Put on a Happy Face” (Hunger Games Version)

Sung by Effie Trinket

Gray skies are gonna clear up,

Put on a happy face;

Brush off the clouds and cheer up,

Put on a happy face.

Don’t try to think of your own tragedy,

It’s not our style;

You’ll look so good that you’ll be glad

Ya’ decide to smile!

Pick out a pleasant outlook,

Stick out that noble chin;

Wipe off that “impending death” look,

Slap on a happy grin!

And spread sunshine all over the place,

Just put on a happy face!

Put on a happy face

And if you’re feeling that your odds aren’t great

Don’t sit and whine

Think of some tasty chocolate cake

And you’ll feel fine

Don’t you two look so gloomy

At least you get some dessert

If you put enough pressure

Then coal turns into pearls

So spread sunshine all over the place

And put on a happy, happy face

Put on a happy, happy, happy face

Oh, come on you two, smile it’s the Hunger Games

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Whatever Happened to My Part?”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 11, 2016

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Note: This post contains stuff that wasn’t in the movies. So if you haven’t read the books, you shouldn’t be viewing this.Because those who only saw the movies really wouldn’t understand.

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When adapting books into movies, screenwriters have to find ways to compress a several hundred page novel into a 2 hour film. This isn’t an easy task. But as with most movie adaptations, things tend to get left out while stuff tends to get changed around. The Hunger Games movies are no exception to that. Yet, one of the major parts that got left out of the movies was the story surrounding Madge Undersee. In the books, she’s the daughter of District 12’s mayor as well as Katniss’s friend at school since both of them found themselves in rather isolated positions due to their place on the socioeconomic ladder. Also, both of them have mothers whose experience with tragedy doesn’t really help their parenting skills. But unlike Katniss, this doesn’t change Madge’s situation too much. Nevertheless, in the books, she’s the person who gives Katniss a Mockingjay pin for luck after she volunteers to be a tribute in her sister’s place. In Catching Fire, it’s revealed that the Mockingjay pin in question was once owned by Madge’s aunt Maysilee Donner who was also a tribute in the Hunger Games (as well as best friends with Katniss’s mother). In fact, she was in it the same year as Haymitch. Yet, unlike Katniss and Peeta, Maysilee didn’t make it. Still, Madge’s story ends when she and her family are killed when District 12 gets bombed at the end. Those who only saw the movies wouldn’t know anything about this girl because Madge isn’t even in it.

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When it came to doing a song parody for her, I couldn’t think of a better one than “Diva’s Lament (Whatever Happened to My Part?)” from Spamalot, itself a musical version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The original version has the Lady of the Lake angrily complaining on not making a single appearance in the show since Act II despite being the leading lady. And if she’s the leading lady, then she should more time on stage than most of the other characters. Never mind that she wasn’t even in the original movie at all. In the Hunger Games version, I have Madge Undersee complain how she got adapted out of the movies despite being a rather important character. And in some ways, she kind of has a point.

“Whatever Happened to My Part?”

Sung by Madge Undersee

What ever happened to my part?

I was important at the start.

I am Katniss’s childhood friend

And gave her my dead aunt’s pin.

Nobody knows just who I am

And that the mayor is my dad.

I was in the books you see here

But they cut me from the feature.

Cause my storyline would complicate the plot.

Whatever happened to my part?

Do they know about this pin?

Its backstory thick and thin

It was once owned by my late Aunt Maysilee.

She was reaped but didn’t win,

And unpleasantly done in,

Now Kat receives her pin from Greasy Sae

Whatever happened to my tale?

I’m in the books but not the film.

Now the viewers are all confused,

Not knowing how the pin was used.

I might as well go to the pub

Why do I even try to give a fuck?

I play a role in the first two books

Well they can kiss my tush

It seems to me they’ve really lost the plot

Whatever happened to my

Where’s Suzanne Collins, dammit

Whatever happened to my

Not yours, not yours,

But my,

Part!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “One Day More”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 11, 2016

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Note: This post contains spoilers. So if you haven’t read the books or seen the movies up to Mockingjay Part 2, you shouldn’t be viewing this.

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For some great beauty is a major asset. For others it’s a curse. And in the Hunger Games, this can’t be better illustrated both ways with Finnick Odair. His charm and irresistible good looks made him very popular in the Capitol and helped him gain the sponsors he needed to win his Hunger Games at the tender age of 14. However, after the victory celebrations were over, he developed a reputation as a womanizer who’s left a string of broken hearts at the Capitol. But in reality, President Snow was prostituting him to the highest bidder as well as threatened to kill someone he loved if he refused. So basically for him, “saving it till marriage,” was out of the question.Still, just when you think things can’t get any worse for him, he falls in love with a victor in from his home District 4 named Annie Cresta, who’s seen as mentally unstable but actually has PTSD. But in any case, they’re not supposed to be together as far as the Capitol is concerned. Yet, their love endured despite all odds.And it’s clear that Snow knew about their relationship since the two were reaped for the third Quarter Quell, yet Mags volunteers in Annie’s place in order to die on her own terms. Also, Snow had her arrested when he escaped from the arena with Katniss and Beetee during the Quarter Quell which leaves him devastated and a nervous wreck who could barely hold it together. And yes, Snow uses that as leverage against him. That is, until she’s rescued along with Peeta and Johanna from the Capitol. Once in District 13 together, they proceed to get married. But it’s not long until Finnick is called to serve on the “Star Squad” in the fight at the Capitol. Some guys just can’t get a break.

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For an appropriate song parody here, I went with “One Day More” from Les Miserables. In the original, Marius and his buddies are about to start what is known as The June Rebellion which was a clash between middle class young men and the authorities during the 1830s. However, he also just got together with Cosette which puts him in a bind between sticking it to the man with his friends or spending more time with his girlfriend. Let’s just say he should’ve chosen the latter since the Rebellion in that musical was a disaster that resulted in all his friends getting killed. And if Jean Valjean weren’t there to save his ass on Cosette’s behalf, he would’ve joined them. In the Hunger Games version, I have Finnick conflicted between staying with his new wife or going to the Capitol. Yet, I have other characters singing parts in preparation for the Capitol invasion.

“One Day More” (Hunger Games Edition)

[Katniss]

One day more!

Another day, another destiny.

This never-ending road in agony;

As I agreed to be the Mockingjay

I’ll kill Snow with my bow one day.

One day more!

[Finnick]

I did not live until today.

How can I live when we are parted?

[Katniss]

One day more.

[Finnick & Annie]

Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away

And yet with you, my world has started!

[Johanna]

One more day all on my own.

[Finnick & Annie]

Will we ever meet again?

[Johanna]

One more day with no one caring.

[Finnick & Annie]

I was born to be with you.

[Johanna]

What a life I might have known.

[Finnick & Annie]

And I swear I will be true!

[Johanna]

But my fighting isn’t there!

[Gale]

One more day before the storm!

[Finnick]

Do I follow where she goes?

[Gale]

At the barricades of freedom.

[Finnick]

Shall I join my brothers there?

[Gale]

When our ranks begin to form

[Finnick]

Do I stay; and do I dare?

[Gale]

Will you take your place with me?

[ALL]

The time is now, the day is here

[Katniss]

One day more!

[Coin]

One day more to revolution,

We will nip Snow in the bud!

And I’ll bomb kids in the Capitol,

So their hands will soak with blood!

[Katniss]

One day more!

[Beetee & Plutarch]

Drop these dirty bombs,

See them as they fall,

Rescuers will blow up

Down there in the Capitol,

Give a little blast

Nail them in the ass

Most of them are goners

So they won’t miss much!

[District 13 (2 Groups)]

[1:] One day to a new beginning

[2:] Raise the flag of freedom high!

[1:] Every man will be a king

[2:] Every man will be a king

[1:] There’s a new world for the winning

[2:] There’s a new world to be won

[ALL]

Do you hear the people sing?

[Finnick]

My place is here, I fight with you!

[Katniss]

One day more!

[Finnick & Annie]

I did not live until today.

[Johanna]

One more day all on my own!

[Finnick & Annie]

How can I live when we are parted?

[Coin(overlapping)]

I will send Katniss’s Peeta

He will follow where she goes

Once he’s close to her he’ll surely

Grip his hands around her throat.

[Katniss]

One day more!

[Finnick & Annie]

Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away

[Johanna]

What a life I might have known!

[Finnick & Annie]

And yet with you my world has started

[Coin (overlapping)]

One more day to revolution

We will nip Snow in the bud

We’ll be ready for these rich snobs

[Betee and Plutarch (overlapping)]

Watch ’em run amok

Blow ’em as they fall

Never know your luck

When there’s a free-for-all!

[Katniss]

Tomorrow we’ll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day

[ALL]

Tomorrow we’ll discover

What the great Capitol has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “The Capitol Invasion Song”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 11, 2016

Note: This post may contain spoilers for those who haven’t read the books or haven’t seen the movies up to Mockingjay Part 2.

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As many movies and books have a major epic battle in them, the Hunger Games is no exception. In Mockingjay, District 13 plans and stages an invasion of the Capitol in order to overthrow President Snow who by this point has a long list of terrible deeds in his wake. I’m not sure with all the details on this but I’ll try to set the scene. So President Alma Coin deploys Katniss and her propo team and a unit called, “The Star Squad” to a seemingly trivial propaganda assignment in the Capitol. However, she has Peeta go along with them despite that he’s still dangerous, unpredictable, and not quite recovered from his hijacking. This leads Katniss to think that Coin wants her dead. Meanwhile, they think that the real invasion is underway and commanded by Paylor which is kind of true. But when it comes to modern warfare, sometimes you might never know where the war is coming to. Which is exactly what happens when Katniss an the Star Squad find themselves up against mutt beasts, armed peacekeepers, and booby trapped pods. Let’s just say it’s a scene of all out urban warfare on the Capitol streets. And it looks like Peeta might attack someone…

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For a song to parody this, I have “The Mob Song” in mind from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. The original has Gaston and the villagers assemble with their torches and pitchforks as well as head to the castle in order to kill the beast. Oh, and Gaston has Belle and Maurice put into a wagon headed for a loony bin but they manage to get out. Still, seeing the scene in the movie makes you understand why the Beast was being such a controlling jerk to Belle in the beginning. Because when it comes to getting a girlfriend in order to break a spell in his neck of the woods, he doesn’t really have a lot of options. For the Hunger Games version, I have Coin sending the Star Squad to the Capitol as the invasion is underway. But I have it end before people start getting killed.

“The Capitol Invasion Song”

[Coin:] The Capitol will make off with your children.

[Crowd:] {gasp}

[Coin:] And will force them to fight it to the death.

[Crowd:] Yes!

[Coin:] We’re not safe till his head is mounted on my wall! I say we kill Snow!

[Crowd] Kill him!

[Man I:] We’re not safe until he’s dead

[Man II:] He’ll come stalking us at night

[Woman:] Set to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite

[Man III:] He’ll wreak havoc on our districts if we let him rule Panem

[Crowd:] So it’s time to take some action, boys

Coin: It’s time to follow me

Old Man Snow

In his city

Through the darkness and the shadows

It’s a nightmare but it’s one exciting ride

Say a prayer

Then we’re there

At the entrance of the Capitol

And there’s something truly terrible inside

He’s a beast

He’s insane

He’s a bastard

He’s sadistic

With a psychopathic streak

Smell his rose

See him roam

But we’re not coming home

‘Til he’s dead

Good and dead

Kill the Beast!

[Katniss:] Okay, but I want to kill Snow personally.

[Coin:] Fine, but go to the Capitol with the propo team and the Star Squad 451. And Peeta’s coming with you, too.

[Katniss:] How’s Peeta?

[Coin:] Well, they say he’s too unstable for combat but I can’t see how he’d be much trouble on a trivial assignment.

[Katniss:] Uhhh….okay.

[Coin:] We’ll rid the country of Snow. Who’s with me?

[Crowd:] I am! I am! I am!

Grab your guns

Get your weapons

[Katniss:] Get up aboard the hoverplane.

[Star Squad:] We’re counting on Boggs to lead the way

Through the streets

Through city

Where within a classy mansion

Something’s lurking that you don’t see ev’ry day

It’s Snow

Smells of blood and white roses

We won’t rest

‘Til he’s good and deceased

Sally forth

Tally ho

Grab your trident

Grab your bow

Praise the Lord and here we go!

[Boggs:] I have this Holo map that will help us avoid known booby trapped, “pods” on the Capitol’s streets.

[Katniss:] Oh, shit, Peeta’s getting out of control. What am I going to do?

[Gale:] Think of something and if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill him.

[Star Squad:] We don’t like

What we’ve understood

That he sure scares us

And this bastard is psychopathic at least

Bring your guns

Bring your knives

Save your children and your wives

We’ll save our country and our lives

We’ll kill the beast!

[Finnick:] I knew it! I knew it was foolish to bring Peeta along.

[Katniss:] Maybe it would have been better if he had never come at all. And I think he’s here because Coin wants me dead because she can’t control me anymore. But we need to help him.

[Peeta:] Can you please kill me now before I start seeing Katniss as mutt again?

[Katniss:] That’s not gonna happen. Besides, this seems like a safe neighborhood.

[Gale:] Encroachers!

[Finnick:] And they have mutts! No!

[Boggs:] Warn everyone! If it’s a fight they want, we’ll be ready for them! Who’s with me?

[Katniss:] Take whatever booty you can find. But remember, Snow is mine!

[Star Squad:] Hearts ablaze

Banners high

We go marching into battle

Unafraid although the danger just increased

Raise the flag

Sing the song

Here we come, we’re fifty strong

And fifty soldiers can’t be wrong

Let’s kill the beast!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “This Katniss Must Die”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 11, 2016

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Katniss and Peeta’s win at the Hunger Games made them instant celebrities as star-crossed lovers who’d rather die than be forced to kill each other. However, not everyone is happy about it, particularly Panem’s resident dictator President Coriolanus Snow. Unlike many people in the Capitol, Snow knows that Katniss was faking her romance for Peeta for the cameras and saw her idea of a nightlock suicide pact as an act of rebellion against the Capitol. And it doesn’t help that her actions inspired rebellions in several of the districts which leads Snow to determine that Katniss is trouble. So how does he deal with it? Well, for one, he has Seneca Crane put to death for letting both Katniss and Peeta win. Next, in the beginning of Catching Fire, he pays a visit to Katniss’s house in the Victor Village, tells her of the situation, and threatens to harm her loved ones if she doesn’t help defuse the arrest by agreeing to keep up her fake romance with Peeta. She agrees and so does Peeta when she tells him about it so they keep up the ruse. However, as public wedding plans and the Victory Tour are underway, Katniss inadvertently fuels the rebellion in every district she goes with her mockingjay pin becoming its symbol. You can surmise that the growing rebellion is now out of Katniss’s control and that her efforts to defuse it are doomed to fail. Now Snow also has a problem on his hands with Katniss because he can’t just have her executed because her Hunger Games victor status would make her a martyr. Nor could he really have her alive. Fortunately, for him, the the third Quarter Quell is around the corner and Katniss is District 12’s only female victor so….

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For a good parody on Snow’s deciding that Katniss must be eliminated, I went with the song, “This Jesus Must Die” from Jesus Christ Superstar. In the original version, the Jewish chief priests at the Temple of Jerusalem are worried about Jesus’s popularity among his followers in the city. To them, Jesus was a rabble rouser who needed to be stopped who not only hurts their influence but if he or his followers lead or inspire some insurrection. And historically, they had reason to worry about Jewish insurrections because the chief priests only existed at the mercy of the Roman Empire and they knew it. One major Jewish insurrection and the Sadducees would be history. This was exactly what happened in 70 A.D. when the Temple was destroyed, but Jesus was already risen by then so he had very little to do with it. In the Hunger Games version, I have Snow and his advisers discussing what to do with Katniss Everdeen who’s inspiring rebellions all over Panem. And yes, Snow knows she must be eliminated, but he doesn’t know how to do so at this point.

“This Katniss Must Die”

Peacekeeper: Good President, the city waits for you
The Capitol and Peacekeepers are here for you

Snow: Ah, all of you, you know why we are here
We’ve not much time and quite a problem here

Crowd on screen: Hosanna! Mockingjay!

Antonius: Listen to that howling mob of blockheads in the street!
A signal with her fingers and District 11’s on its feet

All: She is dangerous

Crowd on screen: Mockingjay Superstar
Tell us that you’re who we say you are

All: She is dangerous

Egeria: The victors are in on tour right now to whip us some support

Lucia: A rabble rousing mission that I think we must abort

All: She is dangerous

Crowd on screen: Mockingjay Superstar!

All: She is dangerous

Egeria: Look President, they’re out in District 2.

Lucia: Quick, President, go take her off at once

Snow: No, wait – we need a more permanent solution to our problem

Antonius: What then to do about Katniss Everdeen
Girl’s who’s on fire, hero of fools?

Lucia: More riots, more dresses, more fighting and Peeta

Snow: One thing I’ll say for her: Katniss is cool

Antonius: We dare not leave her to her own devices

Her half-witted fans will get out of control

Lucia: But how can we stop her? Her glamour increases
By leaps every minute; she’s top of the poll

Snow: I see bad things arising: they’ll start to rebel
And overthrow me at hand
I see blood and destruction, our elimination
Because of one girl
Blood and destruction because of one girl

All: Because, because, because of one girl

Snow: Our elimination because of one girl

All: Because, because, because of one
Cause of one, cause of one girl

Lucia: What then to do about this Katnissmania?

Antonius: How do we deal with the coal miner’s kid?

Lucia: Where do we start with a girl who’s on fire
Or her star-crossed lover the boy with the bread?

Snow: Fools! You have no perception!
The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high!
We must crush her completely
So like Crane before her, this Katniss must die
For the sake of the nation, this Katniss must die

All: Must die, must die, this Katniss must die

Snow: So like Crane before her, this Katniss must die

All: Must die, must die, this Katniss must
Katniss must, Katniss must die

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 10, 2016

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Advertising is all around us that’s it’s almost impossible to avoid it. And I’m sure many of you saw some dumb ads while watching the Super Bowl, too. Nevertheless, I tend to do a lot of posts on vintage ads. But I haven’t done one on vintage ads in general for a very long time, possibly since last May. Yet, I’ve done ads pertaining to holidays, underwear, food, alcoholic beverages, and celebrity endorsements. Still, as we’ve seen before, advertising has been with us for a very long time as you see here. This is an ad for Coca Cola from the turn of the century in the United States. You can tell because of the woman’s outfit. It’s a rather well made ad as you can tell from the attention to detail. However, while I can show you ads like this all I want, you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll focus on vintage ads that haven’t aged well, are inappropriate, or are unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another installment of vintage ads from the days of old.

To encourage more quality time with dad, we bring you the Daddy Saddle.

Guaranteed to give children loads of fun as well as fathers loads of back pain and humiliation. Also known as the daddle.

2. Ladies, when at a party, it always pays to be uh, sociable.

Sure it helps to be sociable. But we should also helps if you just put some freaking clothes on, lady. Seriously, exposing yourself at a party like that is just asking for trouble.

3. And remember, kids, don’t forget to look both ways because bike boners kill.

Sure I understand this is a PSA from the Boy Scouts of America on traffic safety. And I understand that “boner” means mistake in this context. However, when most people think of boners, they think of something a little different.

4. At Dow Chemical, this little guy is a “scientist” in his own right.

Not sure what they did to this lab mouse. But whatever it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he experiences delusions of grandeur with dreams of world domination.

5. “How come I enjoy smoking and you don’t?”

Hey, man, you might enjoy smoking now. But when you end up with respiratory problems, cancer, and heart disease, you won’t. Seriously, I’m glad I’m not you.

6. For the latest in lawn mower technology, get Gay Blade.

When I hear the word, “gay blade,” I don’t think about anything to do with landscaping. Rather many people my age tend to think of offensive gay stereotypes. But to each his own.

7. “You dirty boy, why don’t you wash yourself with Vinolia Soap?”

Okay, this is just flagrantly racist on so many levels. I mean it’s implying that this black kid is dirty on account of his skin color. How more offensive can you get?

8. Be a living doll and give him a pick of Dr. Grabow’s pipes.

Because Dr. Grabow’s pipes all the rage these days in Stepford. You know, the place where all the women are living dolls for their husbands since they’re basically fembots replacing the real housewives who were murdered for not being perfect enough. Okay, I think I might’ve spoiled the plot.

9. With Antron III, slips are truly anti-cling. Permanently.

Maybe, but that I’m not sure if slips can protect you from being struck by lightning. Because I think that woman is really putting herself in a very unsafe situation.

10. “Even rain can’t hide that microsheen shine.”

And I’m sure rain can’t hide the fact that she’s wearing practically nothing under her see through rain coat either. Makes you wonder whether she’s on her way to a nudist colony.

11. To prevent sunburns, ladies, you can’t go wrong with this sun helmet.

Hmm…a helmet with a glass shield to protect against sunburn. Still, you wonder why they didn’t come up with a whole hazmat suit to go with it in the process.

12. Tired of Paulie shitting all over the house? Well, it’s time you solved that problem with parakeet diapers.

Yes, I’m sure putting a diaper on your parakeet will keep it from shitting on your furniture. Comes with a leash for walking. Still, not sure if Paulie would like being strapped into something like this.

13. Want to take your dog on the road but don’t like it in the car? This sack and running board has got you covered.

Well, as far as canine safety is concerned, it’s probably better than tying it to the car (like in Vacation). But I think this pet get up seems to make the dog-on-roof method seem rather humane.

14. Remember, don’t go without a Norelco portable tape recorder.

Sure this guy might seem to be flirting with a stewardess on the plane. But I’m sure he’s going to regret getting that tape recorder when she sues him for sexual harassment.

15. With Cricketer, anything you do out in a suit, you can do in a suit.

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should risk doing somersaults in a suit. This is especially if he has his hands placed in a spot that’s a little too convenient to suspect.

16. Remember, children always enjoy a big glass of Florida Orange Juice.

Actually, I think these little demon moppets are more interested in drinking the blood of the woman who’s serving them orange juice. Seriously, these kids look utterly terrifying to behold and may be evil incarnate.

17. Carter’s Trigs are always great for the whole family.

Yes, I know this is supposed to be a father and son lounging around. Still, looking at the man’s face, I have a bad feeling on where this situation might be headed to.

18. Even O. J. Simpson can testify that Jogger roller skates are the best thing in outdoor recreation.

Not sure about Jogger roller skates as a product during the 1970s. However, if this ad appeared in a magazine during the mid 1990s, I’m sure it would miserably flop. Seriously, we all know that if O. J. needs to make a getaway, he uses a white Bronco.

19. Tired of burning dinner? Well, it’s time you use a pack of Asbestos Baking Sheets.

Sure they might make eating your food put you at an increased risk of mesothelioma, asbestosis, and other nasty infections that could kill you. But at least you’d no longer burn your food.

20. Anti Nervous Dyseptic Tobacco gives you a clean lasting chew and a cool, sweet smoke.

I don’t think there’s a tobacco that does either. Still, that is just one creepy baby who seems to possess some kind of infantile evil on its mind.

21. Want to feel like a man? Join the Army.

Because there’s nothing more manly than traveling to far away places, meeting new people, and launching some nuclear missiles on unsuspecting civilians. Oh, wait a minute, that’s just insane!

22. University Row’s Chart Stripes will help you put a tiger in a cage.

Not sure about what people think of putting women in cages. However, I think this ad just seems to show the kind of sexism that I simply won’t stand for.

23. Clear your driveway this winter with your very own mail order flame gun.

Man, why spend so much time shoveling when you can clear your driveway with a flame thrower. Oh, wait, because it might set your house on fire if you try to clear your wooden porch with this thing.

24. With Drano, you can clear your drains and improve your marriage.

Yeah, I’m sure Drano might help clear your drain. But it’s strongly corrosive and one of the most hazardous household products available to the public. Sorry, but a clean drain isn’t worth the risk of explosion related injuries.

25. This Shirred French Purse by Lady Buxton is an elegant place to store things.

However, if you’re a squirrel, then may I suggest you store your peanut in anything other than a woman’s purse. Because you’re not getting that back.

26. The economical Kiddie-Coop is a crib, playpen, and bassinet all in one.

Because why shouldn’t your baby be denied the same comforts as your pet rabbit? Seriously, why don’t you just install a crib dribbler while you’re at it?

27. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Texaco kid.

This little boy hopes you use Texaco gas to fill your tank before you crash and burn in some terrible accident that he’s eager to watch with great pleasure. Yes, this kid has a sadistic streak a mile wide.

28. Douglas DC-8 gives you the happiest flying from the ground up!

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I don’t know about you. But did anyone notice how it seems that the viewer is looking up a little girl’s skirt? Seriously, that’s disturbing.

29. Captivate your audience with this Playboy bunny hand puppet.

Warning: Playboy hand puppet is for adult use only and shouldn’t be used for adult-child contact. Also, might make you seem like an enormous perv.

30. Score Liquid Hair Groom will help men get what they’ve always wanted.

I don’t know about you, but I think this product’s ad is setting rather unreasonable expectations. Also, I think the women might want to cover up, just so they won’t get malaria.

31. Dishwashy hands scaring your man away? Switch to Ivory.

Basically this ad says, “I’m a fussy and lousy housewife but that doesn’t matter since my hands are good after I use Ivory soap.” Oh, for God’s sake give me a break.

32. Fat is folly so use Le Parle Obesity soap to shed the pounds.

Yes, a soap that helps you lose weight. I’m sure that’s totally bullshit because losing weight doesn’t work that way. Seriously, it doesn’t.

33. Kids just can’t resist the taste of Quick Frozen chicken pie.

I’m sure this boy is bound to be very disappointed when he finds out that pie doesn’t adhere to Mrs. Lovett’s famous meat pie recipe. You can guess what kind of meat he’s hoping for.

34. Support musicians, because recorded music tramples art for profits.

Wait until they find out that recorded music makes their stuff more accessible to the masses. Seriously, musicians have benefited tremendously through the record industry as far as I recall.

35. “Male makes it exciting….Male makes pure man stuff!”

Sure it does. But does this mean you should photoshop people on the crotch area of a pair of pants? You make the call.

36. “Gas…the magic of instant hot water!”

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Maybe, but this terrifying baby doesn’t seem to like it that much. In fact, it seems like it’s melting which is kind of horrifying if you ask me.

37. Baer’s paint is great for all interior surfaces. Don’t take our word for it? Then let a bear paint your house.

Let a bear paint my house, right? Wonder what can go wrong with that. Oh wait, everything. Still, it’s pretty silly.

38. Want what’s best for your baby? Try Mennen’s Borated Powder.

Not sure what I find weirder about this one: the picture of the baby in the lightbulb or the toddlers swinging. For some reason, either seems rather messed up.

39. Motorola color TV gives you more to enjoy.

I bet this kid is like: “Mom, can I please change the channel? Because there’s a creepy clown on TV that’s scaring the crap out of me! And seeing him is sure to give me nightmares!”

40. So many good things come from DuPont cellophane.

Again with the babies in plastic wrap, DuPont? Seriously, do you realize how messed up that is? Because that’s insane!

41. For MacGregor’s flame retardant shorts, look for the burning boy label.

Now that’s pretty freaky if you think about it. Still, when this boy grows up, I’m sure he’ll end up starting a summer concert series like “Burning Man.”

42. For house painting, Carter’s white lead is absolutely pure.

Sure it might make your kids shorter and dumber as well as kidney and reproductive problems. Also causes other health problems like lead poisoning. But I’m sure it will cover more surface and last longer.

43. On Army day, soldiers always dry with Cannon towels.

Who knew that army bath time on the Pacific front was an ultimate sausage fest? For some reason, these stark naked guys don’t seem to just be bathing to me. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t ask or tell.

44. Don’t let bad breath ruin your love life, ladies. Try Colgate.

Yes, ladies, use Colgate toothpaste because men are incredible douches who’ll avoid you if you show signs of halitosis. And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. What a sexist message from a toothpaste company.

45. Remember, ladies, you’re in a beauty contest every hour of every day. So use Camay soap.

Okay, that’s rather frightening to think about it. Seriously, it seems like these ads are telling women that they should look beautiful all the time or else they’ll lose their man. Fortunately, women, if he really loves you, he’s not going to dump you for not keeping up appearances.

46. “Tank Corps…welcome, too, is the brisk rub-down with a good towel.”

I guess this is toga party time for Tank Corps. And I’m sure they they tend to stick to the idea, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”

47. Remember, ladies, one zit can ruin a romance.

Yes, women, getting a zit is a horrifying experience that almost always ends in a break up. Seriously, one zit on her face is hardly going to be noticed. Even if it is, there are plenty of teenage girls who have steady boyfriends as well as problems with acne.

48. Don’t let B.O. break your engagement, use Lifebuoy deodorant.

Yeah, because whatever goes wrong in a relationship, it’s always because the woman fails to practice good hygiene. Seriously, did Jessie ever consider that her previous boyfriends were superficial assholes? That might have something to do with it.

49. She was a one date girl because she didn’t take some Kellogg’s All-Bran for her bowels.

Okay, so this ad is saying this woman wasn’t having a great love life because she was having trouble shitting? Seriously, that was her problem? You know how ridiculous it sounds.

50. If lack of muscle is your problem, try working out with Thrush.

Because women always love a man with a massive phallic car part in his hand. Wonder if any of them know what it is.

51. For daring gift for married couples, try a set of matching jail jamas.

So what do prison PJ’s say about marriage? Really doesn’t give a nice social commentary about it. Still, maybe these two are just prisoners of love, blue skies above, leaving their hearts in jail.

52. With After Six, why just have a party, when you can have a ball?

From Buzzfeed: “She’s holding a phallic symbol, two oranges, and a carton of white fluid. Any questions?” Yeah, you kind of figure where this is going.

53. Chiquita bananas are the most flavorful.

I’m sure this is just an innocent ad depicting a boy and a girl sharing bananas. Then again, maybe it’s not so innocent as it initially appears to be. Seriously, were the parents even consulted on this one?

54. Feeling cranky with menstrual cramps? Try Midol.

Because having your period should be no excuse for being cranky at social engagements. Seriously, seems like women at the time couldn’t really catch a break.

55. Married? No reason to neglect stockings.

Because men always hate it when their wife’s stocking appeal is spoiled by constant runs, holes, twisty seams, and wrinkles. And women must keep their stockings absolutely perfect. Seriously, this is madness! Madness!

56. Aunt Jemima always chases those pancake hungry blues away.

Man, this isn’t the Aunt Jemima I remember from my childhood. She seems to resemble some racist Mammy caricature, which is kind of offensive to African Americans.

57. At a time of war, it’s his yen against your dollar.

Yest, this was made in WWII by Texaco. But still, this is depicting the Japanese as money grubbing devils, which they were not. For the love of God, do they have any idea that Japanese Americans existed at the time? Oh, wait, we know what the US government did to them.

58. Rough on Rats always clears vermin, which only a Chinaman would eat.

Unlike in The Big Lebowski, the Chinaman is the issue here. I mean they’re saying that Chinese people eat rats, which is very offensive. Seriously, who the hell would even allege that?

59. Quaker State Motor Oil is as pure as certified milk.

Maybe, but that doesn’t mean your baby could drink it for God’s sake. Seriously, motor oil isn’t the kind of fluid that’s safe for human consumption.

60. Carter’s will always make your kids look sharp.

Then again, it might make your kids look like a bunch of mindless lobotomized Ralphies who might devour your brains. Might want to reconsider.

61. There are big reasons for better roads like nuclear weapons.

Really? But if an atomic bomb were to go off, we’d all be annihilated. So why we’d need better roads then? I’m just saying.

62. Don’t sun starve your baby, give them a G-E sunlamp for the bathroom.

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Because why should you deny your baby from experiencing the power of dangerous UV rays? Seriously, couldn’t they just put the baby in a play area outside?

63. Remember, ladies, Balls candy gives you courage.

Sure there have been plenty of women who’ve had courage throughout the ages. But I’m sure most women don’t get it from Balls candy. Seriously, why?

64. Lucky tigers always get the gals.

In his case, this tigerman prefers them stuffed and mounted on his wall as hunting trophies. Tigerman is an incredibly messed up individual who should probably be put in some maximum security prison.

65. Duke of Durham will sure keep those kiddies quiet.

Maybe, but is giving your kids tobacco a good idea? No way in hell. Also, baby Tweedledee and Tweedledum are really freaking me out right now.

66. Thanks to Monsanto, it’s plastics picking time down South.

Really, Monsanto? You know if cotton picking was pleasant as you depict it, then why did white plantation owners hire black slaves to do it? And why did they commit unspeakable atrocities against them and treated them less than human? Think about that.

67. It’s a known fact that more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

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I have 2 uncles who are uncles. And we should know that not all of them have great health habits. So if your doctor smokes, doesn’t mean you should.

68. Asbestine stove lining cures stove troubles.

Sure Asbestine might cure stove troubles, but prolonged exposure might result in asbestosis and possibly mesothelioma. So maybe it’s not worth it. And they made these in Pittsburgh? Jesus Christ!

69. For winter wear, you can always trust Spring Maid Fabrics.

And from how I look at this one, this woman appears to having something going on with her legs. Still, let’s just hope she’s wearing pantyhose and not going commando.

70. And remember, nursing moms, nothing perks you and baby up like a glass of beer.

This is for a beer company in France as you see. Still, new moms need to know that drinking the wrong beer might make your baby not want to nurse from your teat.

Strike the Gong with These Chinese New Year Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 8, 2016

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As a white American girl, I don’t celebrate Chinese New Year and it partly explains the reason why I didn’t include it among my other holidays for February of last year. However, I tend to regret this because even though I don’t have any reason to celebrate it, it’s still a major holiday. And one I’ve often ignored for far too long. I mean Chinese New Year is a holiday that’s celebrated by at least no more than 1 billion people around the world. That’s more than who celebrate holidays like Cinco de Mayo, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, the Super Bowl, and Groundhog Day. And I’ve done at least a treat post for each of them. Not to mention, Chinese New Year is a very old holiday as well since it’s been celebrated in China and East Asia long before Christ, making it older than Christmas and Easter mostly due to several myths and traditions. Now the Chinese New Year is an important Chinese festival at the turn of the lunisolar New Year. This year it’ll be on February 8th as the year of the Monkey. The literal translation of the Chinese name is the Spring Festival, though February isn’t in what I’d exactly call spring. Nevertheless, celebrations traditionally run from the evening of the first day to the Lantern Festival which takes place on the 15th of the first month afterwards. Traditionally, this festival was to honor their deities and ancestors. Yet, while it may not be the case anymore, it’s still celebrated in China as well as in other countries like those in Southeast Asia, Mauritius, and the Philippines. There’s a lot of traditions pertaining to Chinese New Year, especially when it comes to food. But in this post, this will pertain to Chinese New Year treats which uphold to certain forms like panda cupcakes. So for your reading pleasure, here are is a treasure trove of Chinese New Year treats.

You can’t celebrate Chinese New Year without some dragon cake pops.

The dragon is a common motif on Chinese New Year, especially since dragon dances are common for celebration. Nevertheless, this one comes in segments.

2. For your Chinese New Year dessert platter, you can’t go wrong with these cookies.

These consist of Chinese kids, money, cherry blossoms, lanterns, a fan, and a pagoda. Still, these are cute.

3. If you love Chinese fans, then you’ll sure love this cake.

I’m sure this is professionally made. Still, this cake is supposed to take the form of a Chinese porcelain vase with some Chinese fans on it.

4. When it comes to dragon cupcakes, they always have to have the right kind of scales.

And this one seems like this one is among the fire breathing types. Still, I like the colorful scales and the fiery tail on this one.

5. For the Year of the Snake, wake up to this slithering strawberry shortcake.

Well, the Year of the Snake was in 2013, before I started this blog. Still, you might be able to make this and refer it to a dragon.

6. Of course, where would Chinese New Year be without a panda cupcake?

This is so cute. Love the Oreo ears, hands, and feet. Also love that cute little face. Seriously, who can resist this?

7. For your Chinese New Year dessert platter, may I suggest takeout?

Okay, it’s just a professionally made cake that’s going to cost you way more than conventional takeout. But still, I think it’s clever if you ask me.

8. When it comes to Chinese New Year, nothing’s more appropriate than a rice bowl cake.

For many, rice seems to be the Chinese signature dish. But for a long time, this was now what a lot of Chinese actually ate.

9. These cookies are sure to delight your Chinese New Year dessert platter.

These include Chinese money, cherry blossoms, lily pad, mandarin orange, Yin Yang, Chinese Characters, Chinese lantern, red fan, Chinese girl, bamboo, and a panda. Still, quite cute.

10. For Chinese New Year, you can’t go wrong with mandarin orange macaroons.

Mandarin oranges are the most popular and most abundant fruit of Chinese New Year. It’s an emblem of luck and good fortune.

11. When it comes to Chinese New Year, it helps that the cakes all match.

This one was for the year of the Dragon as well as professionally made. The cake depicts a dragon with cherry blossoms and Chinese characters.

12. For Chinese New Year cakes, you can’t go wrong with red and gold.

As you can tell by the detail, this one is professionally made as well. But I do love the rich red and gold decor on this one.

13. To welcome the Year of the Snake, treat yourself to this little snake cupcake.

Sure it’s not the Year of the Snake. But this is so adorable that I just had to add it on. Seriously, who can’t resist this?

14. Looks like someone is having takeout all on one cupcake.

Nevertheless, fortune cookies aren’t really Chinese food. And sushi is primarily a Japanese cuisine. Still, how they did this, I have no idea.

15. This Chinese New Year, feast your eyes on this cupcake dragon.

Yes, this is another cupcake dragon. But it’s in another form as you can see. For instance, this one has an ice cream cone snout.

16. Celebrate the coming of the Chinese New Year with these panda cupcakes.

Yes, these are panda cupcake. And yes, I put them for Chinese New Year because pandas are important animals in China. Also, they’re adorable.

17. Make your Chinese New Year a sweet and lucky occasion with a cake like this.

This one has 2 girls standing alongside a Chinese character, money, and mandarin oranges. Nevertheless, this is quite charming.

18. For Chinese Americans celebrating Chinese New Year, this chopstick and fortune cookie cake might suit your fancy.

Contrary to popular belief, fortune cookies aren’t really Chinese. They modern version likely originated in America and the earliest one probably came from Japan. Yet, they tend to serve these at Chinese restaurants for some reason.

19. For Chinese New Year, you can’t go wrong with a tea set on a cupcake.

Yes, the Chinese sure like their tea and their calligraphy. Nevertheless, how someone managed to do this, I have no idea.

20. Celebrate the Year of the Snake with this snake sandwich.

Yes, I know it’s not the Year of the Snake. That was 2013. But I needed something on this post other than pastries and desserts. So it goes on.

21. Red and gold icing are always great for Chinese New Year cookies.

I guess these were professionally made since they’re so ornate. Still, wonder how you can come across some gold icing.

22. If you like Chinese lanterns, then you’ll love these macaroons.

Seems like these are simple to make as I see. Well, for people who know how to make macaroons. But you have to like these.

23. For those who like to go big with Chinese lanterns, there’s a cake for that.

Yes, I know there are a lot of professionally made cakes on here that you probably can’t afford. Still, you have to admit this one is gorgeous.

24. If you’re looking for a Chinese New Year treat, you can’t go wrong with these cupcakes.

These consist of Chinese characters, cherry blossom and money, mandarin oranges, and firecrackers. And they’re all on one tray.

25. If you love flowers, then you’ll adore these cherry blossom sticks.

Cherry blossoms are more often associated with Japan than China. However, they’re said to be native to the Himalayas, so I’ll put it on here.

26. For you repressed art students out there, these are the Chinese New Year cookies for you.

Love the Chinese characters and flowers on this one. Nevertheless, I don’t think I could ever master icing calligraphy like that.

27. When it comes to Chinese New Year, grace your dessert platter with this pagoda cake.

Pagodas are towers associated with East Asian architecture. Many of the serve religious functions and have been around for centuries.

28. For their Chinese New Year lunch, your kids will enjoy this dragon sandwich.

Not sure if it reminds me of a Chinese dragon. But for this post it’ll do since Chinese dragons would be hard to make into sandwiches anyway.

29. For the enlightened, this Buddha cake will sure go well with your Chinese New Year dessert platter.

Buddhism may have originated in India, but it’s a big religion in China and other Asian countries. So it goes on this post.

30. Since a dragon is such an important figure in Chinese New Year celebrations, then this cake can’t be beat.

Yes, this is what a Chinese New Year dragon looks like. A bit smaller than some of them. But I think it’s adorable.

31. For Chinese New Year, you can’t have more intricately painted cookies than these.

These cookies are most likely made by a professional or repressed art major. This set includes a couple paintings, lanterns, and a panda.

32. For healthier lunch options, you can always go with panda sushi.

Sushi may not be a Chinese dish. But pandas certainly are native to China. And these sushi rolls are so adorable.

33. If you like Chinese fans, these cookies are sure to delight.

Yes, these are probably done by a professional. But you have to love the cherry blossoms on these. Not an easy thing to put on icing.

34. For the Year of the Monkey, this eggroll will make a tasty treat.

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Eggroll is a Chinese dish as far as Chinese restaurants are concerned in America. But it still looks pretty adorable.

35. These panda cookies are guaranteed to be hard to resist.

These seem quite doable for Chinese New Year. Besides, you’d have to be crazy to think pandas aren’t adorable. Because they are.

36. For Chinese New Year desserts, these macaroons will sure go nicely.

These have flowers, Chinese characters, fans, and other things on them. And they’re in red, white, and black.

37. When it comes to Chinese New Year, your kids are sure to love these panda cupcakes.

Sure they may have chocolate cereal ears. But you still have to love them because they’re so adorable to behold.

38. For a more quaint Chinese New Year, you’re sure to like this tea set cake.

This teapot appears to be covered in cherry blossoms. Not sure how I feel about the color. But it’s certainly creative on the baker’s part.

39. On Chinese New Year, you can’t get more elaborate than these cupcakes.

Yes, these are definitely made by a professional. Still, includes cherry blossoms, a qipao, and Chinese lantern.

40. Nothing makes your Chinese New Year than cake pops like these.

These consist of Chinese kids, firecrackers, red envelope, mandarin orange, money, and lantern. Still, these are adorable.

41. For simplicity, you might want to go for cherry blossom marshmallows.

They’re marshmallows with cherry blossoms on them. Seems more doable than other ones on here. Except with the icing artwork.

42. When it comes to snacks, these jelly koi fish will do nicely.

Though associated more with Japan, koi fish were first bred for ornamental purposes in China 1,000 years ago. Also, they’re not tiny beyond any stretch of the imagination.

43. When it comes to celebrating Chinese New Year, you can’t do anything wrong with a cake like this.

Now this cake is professionally made because I don’t think a normal person can have those art skills. Still, this is cute.

44. With Chinese New Year cupcakes like these, your holiday is sure to bring great fortune.

These include mandarin oranges, Chinese characters, cherry blossoms, and koi. Nevertheless, you have to love these.

45. These cherry blossom sugar cookies would make fine additions to any Chinese New Year dessert platter.

Yes, these flowers look beautiful. Still, I know that most of these pictures usually consist of cookies and cakes. Hey, I tried my best.

46. I’m sure your Chinese New Year cookies could never look like this.

These consists of a cherry blossom tree, a lantern, a dragon, and a mask. Still, way better art job than I could do.

47. Celebrate your Chinese New Years with these delectable cupcakes.

These consists of a lotus blossom, a dragon, Chinese characters, and a Chinese lantern. Still, better than I could make them look.

48. For you Chinese fan lovers, these cookies will take the cake.

Now I guess these were made in 2013 which was the Year of the Snake. How could I have guessed?

49. For the Year of the Dragon, these cookies will do quite nicely.

These seem to consists of red envelopes, Chinese Characters, dragons, lanterns, and money chain. I’m sure these are from 2012.

50. Nothing goes better with a Chinese New Year dinner than some snake and dragon bread.

I think this came from some restaurant in San Francisco. It’s supposed to be a snake. But to me, it resembles a dragon.

51. Celebrate the Year of the Monkey with these chocolate banana buns.

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I think this might come from some online magazine in Australia. Still, they do look pretty cute though.

52. For the Year of the Snake, kids will hiss with delight on these fortune cookie and fruit roll up snacks.

These are from 2013. Nevertheless, as far as the year is concerned, I really don’t care. Besides, these are adorable and creative.

53. Celebrate your Chinese New Year with this golden dragon cake.

Now that’s more like it with the dragon cake. Love the colors on this one. So pretty.

54. For the Year of the Snake, take a bite out of these slithery buns.

Looks like these were made from a bun and a bagel. Too bad that was for 2013. Still, I think these are great.

55. For Chinese New Year, you can’t beat cookie art like this.

These include a Chinese lady with a parasol, a cherry blossom branch, a pagoda, and a map of China. Still, these are lovely and probably expensive.

56. If you want to make something for Chinese New Year, then look no further than these dragon cookies.

Sure these are cookie sandwiches andthey barely look like dragons. But they sure do melt your heart.

57. Those who celebrate the Chinese New Year sure have to love sugar cookies like these.

I guess these are professionally made as far as I could tell. Nevertheless, I sure love the artisan ship which is well beyond mine.

58. For a more kid friendly Chinese New Year, these Chinese Zodiac cupcakes might suit your fancy.

Each cupcake represents two animals of the Chinese Zodiac. Dog is with pig, monkey is with rooster, goat is with horse, dragon is with snake, tiger is with rabbit, and ox is with rat.

59. For a more golden Chinese New Year, this pagoda cake is just the thing.

Wonder how much of this cake is edible. If the roof is, If it is, wonder where they get the gold icing from. Never seen icing so shiny.

60. For a healthy Chinese New Year, you can’t go wrong with a panda lunch.

This has a pandom made from olives and nuts I believe. Yet, it also has a carrot sun and cucumber bamboo. Still, quite cute.

61. This red cake is exactly what your Chinese New Year party needs.

This one has a golden Chinese character as well as cherry blossoms. Either way, it’s simply stunning.

62. Yes, Chinese pagodas tend to be red but how about a pagoda cake in blue?

Yes, this cake is certainly professionally made as you see here. Still, it’s incredibly lovely that it almost resembles a scaled down model.

63. This Chinese New Year, make it a panda party.

Because everyone knows that pandas live in China. And everyone loves pandas. So this cake is a win-win.

64. Those who wish to celebrate Chinese New Year in pink will love this cherry blossom cake.

Wonder if those flowers are icing, real, or plastic. Nobody will know for sure. Well, there’s one way to find out but this is not the venue.

65. For cold Chinese New Year treats, these panda ice cream cones are absolutely perfect.

Sure Chinese New Year happens during the winter. Still, these ice cream treats are most appropriate for the occasion. Since they’re adorable panda treats.

66. For your Chinese New Year platter, these Rice Krispie dragons are a real treat.

Yes, these are dragons with Rice Krispie snouts and Fruit Roll Up tails. Still, it’s a rather creative idea.

67. If you want a fancier cake, this pagoda one with the Chinese Zodiac is perfect for your platter.

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I think this was a birthday cake for a guy named Peter. But it’s a great cake for Chinese New Year as well. Love it though.

68. Nothing makes a Chinese New Year party than a dish of these panda cookies.

Yes, these are panda chocolate and sugar cookies. And yes, these are adorable. Don’t you want to hold one of them? Don’t you?

69. Ring in the Chinese New Year with these jelly cakes.

I think these appeared on Groupon. Still these include money, Chinese characters, and koi.

70. For celebrating Chinese New Year, you can’t go wrong with these koi cookies.

These are shortbread cookies even though they might resemble bread. Still, I think they must be quite tasty.

71. These Chinese money buns are where the money is.

These look so tasty. Then again, perhaps it’s because the golden brown shine makes my mouth water.

72. These pandas are sure to make your Chinese New Year a delight.

These are cookies that are made to resemble pandas with chocolate details. Anyway, these are so adorable that you’d want to eat them up.

73. For your little ones, they will surely love these Chinese Zodiac cupcakes.

I’m sure these cupcakes are for little kids for the Chinese New Year. Yet, they’re just so adorable to look at if you ask me.

74. You can’t celebrate Chinese New Year without a cake of a golden dragon.

Wonder why the dragon seems like it’s cut in half. Nevertheless, I think this looks great, especially with the gold icing.

75. Make your Chinese New Year worthwhile with these cookies.

These consist of Chinese dolls, Chinese characters, and cherry blossoms. Still, these are so cute.

76. Greet the Year of the Horse with this cookie set.

These include lanterns, horses, dolls, money, and a fan. From 2014, but I like it so it goes on.

77. You can’t have Chinese New Year without a cake of red and gold with a dragon on top.

I wonder if the golden bird is a phoenix which might explain a lot. Still, once again, I’m not sure how they get gold icing.

78. Nothing says Chinese New Year like a red cake trimmed in gold with a lotus blossom on top.

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I think this is a Longevity cake which is for birthdays. Still, since it’s Chinese themed, I’ll put it in for Chinese New Year.

79. It’s not the Year of the Monkey until you have some monkey cupcakes.

Now this seems doable. All you need are wafers, icing, and sprinkles. Still, these are adorable.

80. When it comes to Chinese New Year, you’ve never seen a cake like this.

Now I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to fit that kind of cake on your dining room table. Nevertheless, this dragon boat cake is spectacular for any Chinese New Year celebration.

Great Blunders in Auto Aesthetics

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 3, 2016

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I may not drive a car or have a driver’s license for that matter. But this doesn’t mean that I can’t talk about cars, particularly auto aesthetics. Sure cars were made to get us from point A to point B, but that doesn’t stop people from wanting one that matches their style. Since the time when rich people wanted fancy cars to show off their wealth, it wasn’t long until the ordinary folk wanted their own cars to fit their style as well. Some of these have become icons of their era like the muscle cars of the 1950s. I can go on and on about the great looking cars out there. But I know you’d be bored to tears and tell me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So instead I’ll do a post on some of the biggest automobile eyesores to ever grace the road. Some might just fire for function but not effect. Some might’ve seen good ideas at the time and their designs just haven’t aged well. While others, well, make you want to scratch your head and wonder what the hell they were thinking when it was being design. Nevertheless, at any rate, I hope you enjoy these ugly cars for your reading pleasure.

Volkswagen Thing

Because calling it the Volkswagen Cardboard Box Convertible wouldn’t fly and the guys at Volkswagen couldn’t think of any good ideas for names. Seriously, when a car is called, “Thing” it kind of shows that the automaker doesn’t think much of it.

2. Tatra T603

Made in Czechoslovakia between the 1950s and 1970s, this was said to be “Communism’s Finest Car” that was driven by officials and factory owners. Nevertheless, why it’s designed like the kind of sedan a Batman villain would be too embarrassed to drive, I have no idea.

3. Nissan S Cargo

In France, escargot is a snail dish that’s considered a delicacy. This is a retro style commercial van that was sold from 1989-1992 to carry small cargo. Not sure if it got the job done in terms of hauling stuff. But in France, I can bet that this car surely lived up to its name at any rate.

4. 1957 Multipla Marinella

The kind of car that resembles a cross between a retro looking minivan and a golf cart. Seems more appropriate for driving around an amusement park or the links than going to work.

5. Bond Bug

While it certainly looks like a bug without a doubt, but I don’t think it’s a car I’d see James Bond driving by any stretch of the imagination. Or anyone else during the 1970s when this car was made. And your parents thought the AMC Gremlin was hideous.

6. Trabant

The East German answer to the Volkswagen Beetle, this seemed to combine the beetle’s design with a something the Joker might drive. Nevertheless, to say it was a failure in East Germany is an understatement.

7. AMC Pacer

When it came out in 1975, it was the toast of the automotive press as it was called, “futuristic,” “bold,” and “unique.” Keep in mind that they viewed the same thing about polyester pants.

8. Pontiac Aztek

Best known as the Walter White’s signature ride in Breaking Bad when he’s a teacher and not a meth cook. Keep in mind, people tend to make fun of Walter White for his minivan that seems like a Gobot mutant meets a space shuttle. Possibly designed by a front team and a back team who never spoke to each other.

9. AMC Gremlin

With the Pacer and the Ford Pinto, it’s the epitome of bad 1970s car design. Almost makes you want to apologize to those small creatures who caused problems in WWII planes.

10. Nissan Cube

I can guess where it got its name due to its geometric design. Nevertheless, you tend to wonder whether this is it or the box it came in.

11. Ashton Martin Lagonda

Yes, a 1970s luxury car that boasts the elegance on the road akin to a funeral home. The kind of car that’s expensive enough for James Bond to drive yet, one nobody would miss if it happens to explode.

12. Subaru BRAT

Keep in mind that “BRAT” is an acronym for Bi-Lateral Recreational All-Terrain Transporter. Still, the name is pretty appropriate for this obvious Japanese ripoff of a Ford El Camino. And it wasn’t sold in Japan either.

13. Corbin Sparrow

Sure it’s a compact vehicle that runs on electric that was made in 1999. However, when I see it, I tend to think of it as the latest thing in clown car technology. And a car even clowns would be too embarrassed to drive.

14. Ford Pinto

One of the big auto eyesores of the 1970s, it was about as bad to drive in one as it looked. Let’s just say you were lucky that it didn’t explode in a rear end collision, which gave it a shady reputation.

15. Citroen 2CV

No, it’s not an antique PT Crusier, but good guess. Still, this is a French car that was in production from its postwar years to the 1990s. Nevertheless, it’s not much to look at but was a rather dependable car. Was also known to be used by hippies during the 1960s.

16. Lotus Europa

Or what you get when you cross a hearse with a 1970s Batmobile. Seriously, that’s what it looks like.

17. Mohs Ostentatiene Opera Sedan

This is a strange car and a rather expensive and hideous one, too. Only one of these was ever built. Still, it included a refrigerator, a butane furnace, and a TV. And you could order to have it customized with Ming Dynasty style rugs.

18. Bricklin SV-1 (Safety Vehicle 1)

Seems to look a bit like a Delorean but uglier. Didn’t come equipped with a lighter or ashtray because as the sales brochure said, “We don’t think smoking while driving is safe; we don’t want you dropping a hot cigarette in your lap and driving our beautiful car into a tree.” But their 99 lb doors were known to come crashing down when the support struts failed. Talk about skewed safety priorities.

19. Toyota Yaris Verso

From the Telegraph: “The Yaris Verso might well have its loyal followers, but there’s no denying that this little car, which is a cross between a supermini and a van, is a challenge to behold. Useful, yes, attractive, no.”

20. Fiat Multipla

For many, this is new age car appears to be made on another planet. But it was actually made in Italy, believe it or not. Can fit 6 in 2 rows.

21. Ssangyong Rodius

It’s a minivan from South Korea. Yes, it’s rear end is a monstrosity to behold. Nevertheless, doesn’t surprise me why this is a less known company than Huyndai.

22. Ford Fairlane

A muscle car from the 1950s which seems to resemble a retro convertible Batmobile. Not that Batman would drive one anyway. Kind of disappointed that it doesn’t have rocket blasters. That would’ve been cool.

23. Lincoln Continental Mark VI

From RMF: “The car’s mishmash of seemingly random “retro” styling elements included non-functional fender air extractors, barely functional “porthole” windows, fins, a trunk-mounted spare and worst of all, that weird vinyl top that rises far above the sedan’s roofline in a very awkward center section. With the 1960s-era Continental one of the most beautiful cars of all time, what the heck happened?”

24. Davis D-2 Divan

When I hear the name, I imagine a rather cool car you’d see James Bond or Batman drive. And then you see this rolling toasting piece of crap that resembles those 25 cent plastic rides for kids outside certain retail stores. And I’m being generous.

25. Jeep Compass

Hmm…guess this is what you get when you mate a Jeep with a minivan. And I hate to be honest but that union didn’t turn out well. Because that is one ugly ass baby.

26. Sebring-Vanguard Citicar

This car is just a combination of a golf cart and a tent. Made in the 1970s it was one of the first electric cars in the world. But I’m sure nobody would want to waylay an energy crisis with that thing.

27. Plymouth Prowler

Guess this is the perfect car for any Batman villain to drive. And as far as the color scheme goes, Harley Quinn comes to mind.

28. Ford Scorptio

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Has a sleek sedan design as well as a face of a big mouthed frog. Wonder why it doesn’t eat the bugs that come veering toward its windshield.

29. Citroen Ami

France may be known for its fashion. But this nightmare seems to be part car and part giant insect. Also, the top doesn’t look great either.

30. Lamborghini Veneno

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As Edmunds’ John Pearley Huffman wrote, “Every supercar cliché and every bad idea Lamborghini ever had, stuffed into one overpriced show car. It’s the worst thing out of Italy since fascism.” Besides, $41 million is a high priced to pay for a life sized Hot Wheels.

31. Suzuki X-90

Supposed to combine the features of the Japanese economy car to the American pickup truck. As you see from its appearance, it didn’t turn out so well.

32. Nissan Juke

Bulbous headlights sure make this car resemble some freaky 4 eyed monster. Wouldn’t want to see that at night.

33. Chrysler PT Cruiser

Thank you, Chrysler, you have finally come up with a car that’s suitable for the Joker to drive in. I’m sure he will either love it or want to blow it up. Maybe both.

34. Lada Kalina

Made in Russia, this auto eyesore is part SUV and part robomonster. Not sure if it runs on gas or human flesh.

35. Chevy City Express

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Now this is a rather sleek car design, for a windowless van your parents never told you to get into. Guess General Motors is bringing the latest in creeper car technology. If you see someone in your neighborhood driving one, check if they’re a registered sex offender.

36. Kia Amanti

From Your Car Is Ugly: “They had clearly intended to make a car that had class and style, since it’s the most expensive Kia. Instead, it looks like an adorable elementary school art project which got way out of hand.”

37. Tata Nano

Made in India and said to be the cheapest car in the world at $2,500. However, driving this jelly bean car will make onlookers less likely to take you seriously. Nevertheless, while it was India’s attempt for their Volkswagen Beetle, it’s now starting to become the country’s equivalent of the Ford Pinto.

38. Toyota Scion IQ

Think of it as having the features of a jelly bean and a bulldozer combined into one sedan. The fact that it’s in a bright chartreuse only makes it worse.

39. Subaru Baja

It’s the kind of auto that can’t decide whether it wants to be a car or a truck. Might be fitting for an African Safari. But that’s a huge maybe.

40. Skoda Roomster

I guess this is the kind of car suitable for the American soccer mom who also makes a living as a funeral director. Then again, I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard of Skoda before or whether it’s even sold in the US.

41. Lamborghini LM002

I guess Lamborghini was trying to cater to the Hummer and Land Rover crowd at one point. Because it sure looks like it since it resembles an army vehicle like a overloaded jeep or a tank. Also called “the Rambo Lambo” for obvious reasons.

42. Toyota Van

From Odometer: “This van looks just like something Clark Griswold would drive on one of his many dysfunctional family road trips. That’s not a compliment!”

43. Mini Paceman

If the Volkswagen Beetle is called “the Bug,” the Mini Paceman can be called, “the Cockroach.” Another car more suitable for a Batman villain like the Penguin.

44. Daimler SP250 (Dart)

When I see this muscle car, I tend to imagine a brightly colored big mouthed fish from the deep. Or a car well fitting for the Creature of the Black Lagoon. I’m not sure which.

45. Ford Edsel

Resembling a really ugly fish with pursed lips, the Ford Edsel was released in 1958 and named after Henry Ford’s son. However, it would later become one of the biggest auto flops in history that its name is now synonymous for failure.

46. Reliant Regal

This 3 wheeler was produced in the UK between 1953-1973 and could be driven on a motorcycle license. Nevertheless, despite the name, it neither looks reliant nor regal at all.

47. Chevy Avalanche

This car is supposed to be a combination of the pickup truck and an SUV. Either way, many would say that this is an insult to an actual avalanche.

48. Honda Element

Because something like the “Honda Elephant” wouldn’t fly. Seems to be the product of a union between an SUV and a U-Haul.

49. Nissan Murano Cross Cabriolet

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This was supposed to be a convertible approach to an SUV. Still, for cars that serve no purpose, they could’ve made it look pretty like the old muscle cars. Instead, it just looks idiotic. Was pulled after selling less than 1,000.

50. Volkswagen Vanagon Westfalia Camper

From Rant Cars: “If you gave money to the PBS pledge drive, listened to John Denver, referred to hostels as “hotels”, and thought Birkenstocks count as dress shoes — this was the vehicle for you. The rest of us knew that it was a confused, mixed up, error from start to finish. The roof popped up for no apparent reason and the camping hookups did no good in suburban university towns. Who really wanted a car that looked like a suppository?”

51. Mercedes-Benz Sprinter

For a car that’s called “Sprinter” it looks like a rather bulky, scaled down RV. You’d think Mercedes-Benz would make a better looking car than this monstrosity.

52. Isuzu VehiCROSS

Now when you hear the name, you’d assume it was the coolest car ever built. Then you see this wretched thing that resembles a brightly covered termite and are so disappointed that all you can do is stare.

53. Chevrolet SSR

This car was supposed to appeal toward people who liked classic cars and wanted a truck or a roadster. To me, its short run is unsurprising since it resembles the kind of car that’s driven by a cartoon character.

54. Yugo GV

Made in the former Yugoslavia and released in the US in 1986 at the low price of $3,990, the Yugo was marketed as basic, reliable, transportation in the tradition of the VW Beetle and the Ford Model T. However, it was one of the most unreliable cars ever built that it was nicknamed the “Yugo Pushing” for how often it left owners stranded. And it has become the prime example of the shitbox economy car. Its looks aren’t worth writing home about either.

55. Mitsuoka Orochi

From Gearheads: “While the Mitsuoka Orochi does have a touch of uniqueness to it, it is overall one of the ugliest rigs ever built. It’s tiny grille looks like a miniature whale’s mouth and its headlights look like they were inspired by Sloth from Goonies. The silhouette of the Orochi isn’t bad at all. Actually, it is kinda supercar-like. Once you get to the back end, however, the obscene curves return to ruin it.” Also, seems to be painted by someone on acid.

56. Plymouth Fury

When the Plymouth Fury was being made, the designers were kidnapped by aliens and forced to design it to their specifications. This was the result.

57. Packard Hawk

Because calling it the “Packard Catfish” wouldn’t have gone so well. And for an osprey, it looks delicious. Only 588 were sold in 1958. And after that, Packard was gone.

58. Ferrari California

Oh, my God, this bug eyed convertible appears to have come to life. And it looks like it’s meant for a children’s show. Guess the people of California aren’t impressed.

59. Ferrari Enzo

Yet, another life sized and overpriced Hot Wheels car. Others may say it resembles a permanently baffled cod. Not paying $650,000 for this monstrosity.

60. Datsun F10

From a standpoint, its bug eyed headlights tend to make it the Peter Lorre of the auto world. Would later be known by the even less appropriate moniker the Nissan Cherry.

61. 1971 Mercury Cougar

To call it thus is just an insult to cougars. But this is a car from the 1970s with a monstrous grill. Perhaps a cougar attack might improve its looks.

62. Mercedes-Benz G-Class

Man, Mercedes sure does make a lot of fancy looking Humvees. Wait a minute, it’s for civilian use at $135,000? Yikes.

63. Ford Mustang II

You know how some movies have shitty sequels? Well, in the car world, the Ford Mustang II was this in the 1970s. Basically consists of a Ford Pinto with a mustang emblem on the grill.

64. Buick Electra 225

From Edmunds: “All the 1950s styling clichés fight each other to the death on a relentlessly tasteless car. You could slice ham with those tail fins.” Sort of resembles some 1950s Batmobile.

65. Mercury Turnpike Cruiser

From Edmunds: “It features a ridiculous front bumper, radio antennas shooting forward from the roof, silly side trim and a rear window that goes down. What’s not to love/hate?” Kind of unsightly if you ask me.

66. Subaru 360

From Edmunds: “It looks sort of like concrete that’s been left to harden in a wheelbarrow, only less comfortable.” One of the first Japanese cars sold in the States, it didn’t go well.

67. Hummer H2

I’ve seen these and in that color. And let me say, the world would be a better place if we wipe that car off the face of the earth. Seriously, it’s an unreliable atrocity as well as a notorious gas guzzler. What more can you say?

68. Aurora

Designed by a Catholic priest with construction partially funded by his parishioners, this car was made to be the ultimate safety vehicle. Still, its sea ray design made its debut a disaster that the designer ended up in financial trouble and was forced to leave his order. Unsurprisingly.

69. Buick Limited

Described by a critic as, “Dreadful styling, high thirst, gargantuan size, and barge-like handling: There’s no bigger or flashier example of the best and worst in late-50s American cars.”

70. Mitsubishi i-MiEV

From Edmunds: “An egg that can’t be cracked open and scrambled for breakfast. Exactly the misery module we feared we’d end up driving in the future.”

71. Jaguar XJ-S

– From Edmunds: “Successor to the lovely E-Type, the XJ-S is Jag’s version of the Chevrolet Monte Carlo. Massive flying buttress roof concludes in huge taillights that together look like red plastic salad tongs.” At least the Chevrolet Monte Carlo was cheaper.

72. Subaru B9 Tribeca

From Edmunds: “Subaru’s legendary oddness, swollen up in size and then cursed by a Venusian nose and a Martian tail.” This car was incredibly offensive to the eyes and wasn’t on the market for long.

73. Oldsmobile Dynamic 88

Sure is dynamic all right as you’d see in 1950s muscle cars. But it sure looks like a monstrous beast you wouldn’t want to mess with on the road.

74. Overland OctoAuto

Designed by the guy who invented the muffler, this 1911 car’s main feature is having 8 wheels for a smoother ride. In reality, all 8 wheels on a car gets you are more tire changes and being the joke of the neighborhood.

75. Fiat S76

Called “the Beast of Turin” this 1912 steampunk gas guzzler was built specifically to beat a land speed record by Blitzen Benz. Possibly one of the largest Fiats ever built.

76. Sbarro Autobau

This is a concept car that was based on a spacecraft someone’s kid designed with Legos. It’ll probably never go into production. But serves as a warning that just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

77. Ferrari Conciso

According to one critic, “A collaboration between Ferrari and a posse of clowns tripping on LSD.” Makes sense.

78. Fiat Aquila

Another concept car that probably has never been produced. Resembles some kind of transport from another world designed by an alien with poor taste in cars.

79. 2008 Lexus SC-400

Lexus is known to make nice cars. But this one seems to be made out of an overturned bathtub made into a convertible. Not a pretty sight by any stretch of the imagination.

80. Oldsmobile Omega

From Wheels.Ca: “Much like the X-90 (which could be a code name for a new member to the X-Men), the Omega also had a kickass name. Sadly, that was the only kickass thing about it. Manufactured for only decade, each update looked uglier and uglier; it eventually resembled a brick cosplaying as a car. The grill was so hideous that it looked like a cheese grater on steroids. There was a rumor that stated once you got behind the wheel, you instantly aged 15 years and developed arthritis. It’s fitting that Oldsmobile was the manufacturer of the Omega.”

81. Scion XB

It’s a cross between a U-Haul and a snow plow truck in minivan form. To onlookers, it’s horrendous as can be.

82. Peel P50 Trident

A 3-wheeled small car made in the 1960s. This one is light, compact, and fuel efficient. Unfortunately, it won’t get you laid.

83. Scion Hako

Another concept that was probably never put into production. Mostly it’s because it resembles a mini 18 wheeler.

84. Ford Taurus

A bug-eyed flying saucer on wheels. Except that it doesn’t fly which is disappointing.

85. Brutsch Mopetta

From Listoid: “Words cannot describe the shame one feels when seen driving this ‘thing.’” On the bright side, it’s guaranteed to prevent teen pregnancy.

86. Toyota FJ Cruiser

Guess this is Toyota’s answer to the Hummer. Possibly more fuel efficient but sure to make people think any male owner is trying to compensate for something.

87. Bufori Geneva

It’s a high class luxury vehicle made in Australia that’s suitable for the up and coming supervillain with wads of cash. I’m talking to you, Lex Luthor.

88. Lightburn Zeta

From Bloomberg: “This Australian car was designed by a maker of cement mixers and washing machines, but that might be obvious. There are two grilles, both in a fence-like pattern, with protruding headlights on either side.” Looks like something’s that straight out of Dr. Seuss.

89. Talbot Matra Rancho

A British made car, it was one of the first SUVS. But to me, it’s what you get when you cross a pickup truck with a rusty Popemobile. No offense, your holiness.

90. Nissan Leaf

From Rant Cars: “The nature-friendly Leaf is all electric, and like other things found in nature, looks like it has eyes on top of its head. It sure makes a statement though – nobody will ever mistake it for a lowly gasoline car.”

91. Marcos Mantis

From About Autos: “This four-seat British sports “car” appears to have been designed by three different people, at three different times, all suffering from three completely different emotional disorders. It’s as if someone discovered a scrap-heap of bad design ideas and decided to assemble them as some sort of Christmas party joke, which was then discovered by a mentally deficient middle manager who put the resulting mess into production.”

92. Rolls Royce Camargue

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From Edmunds: “Pininfarina proves that with a little provocation it can design a clumsy and ridiculous coupe. It’s a Rolls-Royce that looks like a Fiat.” Said to be one of the most expensive cars at the time. But money can’t always buy taste.

93. Reva Electric Car

Sure it runs on electric, but it’s said to be Top Gear’s “Worst Car of the Year.” Still, kind of resembles a car you’d see on a children’s show.

94. Weber Sportscar Faster One

From Jalopnik: “What can you say about the Weber Faster One that hasn’t already been explained to a court-appointed psychiatrist at the war crimes trail for the designers behind the Swiss monstrosity? Though fast, wicked fast, the Faster One looks like an angry Frenchman whose head has been bashed in and has taken revenge on the world that has made him an outcast. Hide the children when this car is around.”

95. Cadillac Escalade

It’s supposed to be a SUV luxury vehicle. But its looks rank about as high as its resale value.

96. Tata Magic Iris

When I see this, I think about a sci-fi robot on wheels. Nevertheless, why they named it after a magical flower is beyond me. But that’s India for you.

97. Ford Ka Series 1

From Bt: “It looked like the face of a Hello Kitty character but without the ‘cute’. And the front of the new one looks like it’s shouting obscenities at you. Horrible.”

98. Messerschmitt KR200

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I think this might be the ugly stepsister of the Volkswagen Beetle. And it shows.

99. BMW Isetta

Small, compact, and fuel efficient. Nevertheless, resembles the Volkswagen Beetle without its charm and pizazz. And is probably more expensive, too.

100. Chevy Chevette

From Marooned: “let’s see… ugly headlight assembly borrowed from the Pacer? Check. Odd, “melted” looking rear hatchback? Check. Crappy whitewalls and economy hubcaps? Check. This is one ‘Vette you don’t want Prince to sing about…”

Valentine’s Day Gifts That Really Kill the Romance

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 30, 2016

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For some couples, it’s not unusual to buy gifts for each other to express their mutual love. As for a perpetually single woman like me, I usually receive gifts of candy from my parents. Nevertheless, unless it pertains to expensive jewelry, most Valentine’s Day gifts shouldn’t be too expensive. For women, candy, roses, and a possible stuff toy will do. Jewelry is fine,too. For men, well, candy and whatever they like because Valentine’s Day isn’t the best holiday for guy gifts. Now I can talk about the best Valentine’s gifts to give your significant other all I want. But I know that you would find it boring that you’d avoid me like the plague. So instead, I’ll show you a treasure trove of possible Valentine’s Day gifts you want to avoid. Some of these are rather inappropriate. Some are just tacky beyond belief. Some are sexist. And some will more than ensure a Valentine’s Day breakup. And Valentine’s Day is the worst day for breaking up isn’t it? So for your reading pleasure, here are some stuff you want to avoid giving your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Some of these aren’t safe for work by the way.

Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow

Because there’s no gift on Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I’m not big on giving you affection.” That or “if your’re starved for hugs, don’t come to me.”

2. Deluxe Comfort Boyfriend Body Pillow

It’s the kind of Valentine’s Day gift you’d expect Spock to give Uhura in the Star Trek movies. You know to show that he cares.

3. Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket

Things are sure to heat up on Valnentine’s Day wen your girlfriend puts on a dress made out of a sleeping back. C’mon, look at that sexy lady. She looks totally hot in this sexy uh, thing.

4. Control a Woman Remote Control

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a gag gift. But it’s just so wrong on so many levels. For one, it’s incredibly sexist toward women. Second, it doesn’t work. Trust me.

5. Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter

Well, “romantic sweetheart” for those who are members of the Munsters or the Addams Family. Still, this is incredibly creepy.

6. The Sweat-heart Sweet-shirt

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.” Okay, that’s a little too close for comfort. Love that guy’s face though.

7. Smittens

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Smittens are perfect for the couple who loves to hold hands, but want to have their skin touching (and probably sweating) as long as they are bound together by fabric. ” I think I’ll pass on this one.

8. Cigarette Holder for Two

Because why should it just be one of you who comes down with lung cancer? With this you can fill your lungs with tar together. And look ridiculous doing it.

9. His and Her Furniture

Not recommended for couples with children. Or couples who entertain a lot. Or couples who have elderly parents living with them. Or anyone who doesn’t have their home decorated like a strip club.

10. His and Her Bikini Jeans

Okay, some people might like denim and bikinis as much as the next person. However, this doesn’t mean the two things should be combined into one product. This just guarantees you to look stupid together.

11. Trouser Expander

Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than making your boyfriend feel inadequate about his penis size. Ladies, you might want to avoid giving your man this. Seriously, don’t do it.

12. Oyster in a Can Pearl Necklace

I’ve heard of homemade necklaces but this is outrageous. Seriously, guys, as far as homemade necklaces are concerned, give your girlfriend a plastic pearl one instead.

13. Brief Jerky Edible Meat Underwear

Personally, I don’t like the idea of edible underwear at all. However, these sure give a new meaning for the word, “man meat.” Seems more like a gift to give for the beef jerky in your life.

14. Cork Pants

Yes, these are homemade and this guy is a very brave man to pose for them. Nevertheless, just because you can craft something doesn’t mean you should. And these prove it.

15. Anti-Wrinkle Bra

Yes, it’s a bra that’s supposed to keep your cleavage smooth and attractive as well as fight vertical boob wrinkles. Still, don’t buy a woman this ever, unless you’re looking for a break up.

16. Hug Me Jacket

That’s a cute name for something that seems to appear from straight out of your darkest nightmares. When I look at this, I don’t think of hugs. I think of horror.

17. Love Life Calendar

This calendar allows you to record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship every single day. Not sure if that’s a Valentine’s Day worthy gift.

18. Pizza Hut Proposal

When it comes to proposal dinners, this probably falls along the lines of what not to do. Unless she really likes Pizza Hut, you might want to stick to a fancy restaurant or cook the dinner yourself.

19. Elephant Poop Paper Roses

Because there is nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than presenting your sweetheart paper roses made of what came out of an elephant’s ass. Sure they may be eco-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

20. His and Her Tongue Scrapers

The Valentine’s gift that says, “I love you but your oral hygiene stinks.” Still, are tongue scrapers really necessary? Because for cleaning tongue, I usually use a toothbrush. It’s cheaper.

21. Fundies

I know in relationships you and your partner share a lot of things like a life together. However, underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

22. Chocolate Covered Scale

The kind of Valentine’s gift that says, “Heard you like chocolate and you’re fat.” The kind of gift given by some unrepentent jerk who wants to entice and ruin his girlfriend’s self-esteem at the same time.

23. Hooters Valentine’s Day Dinner Surprise

Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a dinner date at a place known for its scantily clad, big boobed waitresses. Seriously, Hooters is the worst place to have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day for very obvious reasons.

24. 2-Carat Mug

Sure it might come in a nice box. But don’t be fooled, ladies. He’s not proposing. He’s just giving you a Valentine’s Day gift mug. Sorry to disappoint you.

25. Diamond Ring Keychain

I’m sure presenting your girlfriend with a keychain diamond ring won’t go well at all. She will not think it’s funny. In fact, she’ll probably be furious.

26. Man Crates Jerky Heart

Ladies, want to please your man while sending him to an early grave to high blood pressure? This is Valentine’s Day gift you’ve been waiting for. While you’re at it, have him wash them down with some Campbell’s soup. Or just give him a carton of cigarettes.

27. “You’re My Favorite Thing To Do” Mug

From Refinery 29: “Yes, it does look like that’s one person mercilessly strangling another. And yes, that will happen to you if you gift this to your S.O.” Also, might look a bit like rape.

28. Willie Egg Fryer

Guess this is used as a part of an R-Rated breakfast. And I see the yolks are standing in for balls. Seriously, this is just crazy!

29. “Be Brave & Keep Going” Bracelet

From Refinery29: “The subtext is, ‘Just keep riding until you drop off that cliff up ahead, because I never want to see you again.'” Yeah, you might be headed for a breakup after Valentine’s Day.

30. Valentine’s Day Controller

From Refinery29: “Nothing says ‘stunted adolescence’ quite like un-ironically gifting someone milk chocolate. Oh, and the fact that it’s shaped like a PlayStation controller makes it that much worse.”

31. Papi Jock Strap

From Refinery29: “If every kiss begins with ‘K,’ then every breakup begins with ‘performance jock strap.'” Ladies, if you love your man, avoid giving him this. Will save you a lot of trouble.

32. Shot to the Heart Pencil Holder

From Refinery29: “This unintentionally macabre ‘shot to the heart’ desk accessory is just what the witch doctor ordered.” Yeah, that’s incredibly creepy if you ask me. Best gift for someone who’s into office work and voodoo.

33. Heart in Hand

Sure it might seem touching. But keep in mind that this is a kitschy, disembodied hand. Probably the kind of gift that says, “I don’t know you at all.”

34. Monna Candle

From Refinery29: “A candle that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe designed a massive dildo for The Lord of the Rings — sign me up!”

35. Sex Checks

From Huffington Post: “The description boasts, ‘Who says money can’t buy you love?’ which we’re pretty sure was the original slogan for prostitution.” Also, I’m sure they’re not worth anything, unlike cash.

36. The Fifty Shades of Grey Toy Collection

Unless you and your partner are into BDSM or the E. L. James Trilogy, this says, “I have terrible taste and I’m even worse in bed.” Best to settle with flowers and candy.

37. Sex Scratch-Offs

Compared to this, scratch off Lotto tickets are more desirable. And your chances of winning the lottery are less than being struck by a meteor. Or a satellite.

38. “Fresh Balls”

I’m sure Valentine’s Day is a perfect occasion for you to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty balls and you don’t like it. Ladies, avoid this like the plague.

39. Massage Chair

A nice little way to tell your partner that you’re dumping a lot of money on a gift that’s clearly for you. Just another example of your failure as a partner. Cooking a romantic dinner is much cheaper and your partner is more likely to appreciate it.

40. Bliss Fat Girl Six Pack

Okay, another way to tell your girlfriend that she’s fat and needs to lose weight. Really not something to tell her on Valentine’s Day. Also, I don’t think this works.

41. Love Message Disc Shooter

From Village Voice: “Ow! Oh, that’s cute, honey, I love you too. Ow! I said I love you! Okay? Ow! It’s not funny anymore! Cut it out! OW! Okay, fucker, give me that thing….”

42. Don’t Forget Ring

What you think this gift says about you: “I gave this to you so you won’t forget that I love you and enjoy life.” What it really says about you: “I didn’t know what to get you for Valentine’s Day so I wasted $7 on this piece of crap.”

43. Cleopatra Clamp

cleopatra_nose_clip_close.img_assist_custom_0.img_assist_custom

Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that their looks aren’t good enough. So they gave you a way to get a dirt cheap nose job in one of the most painful ways possible. I also call this one, “the fastest way to get dumped by Adrien Brody.”

44. Bald Guyz Head Wipes

From Inventor Spot: “This great product can remind him that he’s not only bald, but that he’s disgustingly sweaty too. Hooray for destroying your lover’s self confidence!”

45. Mangroomer

I guess this gift says, “Honey, I love you, but I’m rather turned off by how you look like a gorilla. So I gave you an electric shaver for back hair.”

46. Eau de Pizza Hut Perfume

Just because someone might like the smell from Pizza Hut doesn’t mean that they want to smell like Pizza Hut. Still, I can’t believe this actually existed and was only made for promotional purposes.

47. Naked Bacon Cooking Armor

Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than a gift to your man suggesting how you want to see him cook breakfast without much on. If you want to see that, being naked in an apron works just as well.

48. Bitch Perfume

Not sure what it’s supposed to smell like. But I don’t think many women would want their man giving them something with the word, “Bitch” on it. Then again, maybe that’s just me.

49. Adjoining Toilets

For one, I think this might require a big bathroom since you just can’t prop this to a wall. Second, ever heard a thing called “privacy?” It’s the reason why public toilets are in stalls.

50. Penis Pasta

Because nothing makes a great romantic dinner for two on Valentine’s Day than a pasta dish full of dicks. Yeah, I’m sure they’re serving that for dinner at some high end whorehouse.

51. Whiskey and Tobacco Cologne

Because nothing makes a man more attractive on Valentine’s Day than smelling like he’s just came out of a bar. It’s the kind that makes you wonder whether he might have a problem and think about getting a divorce.

52. T’s for 2

I’m sure making love in a T-shirt built for 2 isn’t as fun as it looks. Again, there are things couples might share in relationships. But I don’t think T-shirts should count.

53. Touch and Know Drug Test

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that you suspect that they might have a substance abuse problem. And that you have issues of trust.

54. Candy Nipple Tassels

Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a gift telling your girlfriend that you want her to do a stripper routine while wearing inedible candy. Seriously, why?

55. Sex Bell

Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than treating your partner the same way Pavlov treats his pooch. So if they’re good in bed, do they get any treats?

56. Single Shot Garter

From Cracked: “Here’s a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says “Hey baby, I wanna see you in your underwear” and the flask says ‘But you’re gonna need to be drunk for this to work.'” Okay, I think any woman receiving this might think of seeing other people.

57. Jane Seymour Open Hearts Jewelry

Show that you love her this Valentine’s Day with this overpriced mall necklace that resembles 2 butts in an ‘S’ shape. She’ll totally love it.

58. Plush Love Rat

Because nothing says “I love you” than presenting your sweetheart with a plushie of a heart spotted vermin. You might want to stick with a teddy bear instead.

59. Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like receiving a manual from your sweetheart that suggest that you aren’t as great a lover as you initially thought. Or that you’re suspecting that your partner might be a virgin if you hadn’t done it already.

60. Bliss Poetic Personal Waxing Kit

Nothing makes a more romantic Valentine’s Day than a gift to your girlfriend telling her that she needs to remove her disgusting body hair. And you don’t think anything not involving self-administered torture.

Beyond Future Imperfect – Part 6: Arts and Entertainment No One’s Going to Be Interested

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 28, 2016

We’re down to the final installment as we speak. Luckily, for us this is the fun post in this series since it pertains to the arts and entertainment, which is a pretty big range. You have sports and games, which is a rather unpredictable realm since people tend to bet on sports. And you never know which game is going to be popular. You have media like newspaper and magazines as well as radio, TV, and Internet. You have TV which is used for news, shows, and seeing the world as your heart desires without leaving your living room. You have literature and books that have shaped the course of generations. You have movies that are among the most popular forms of entertainment for generations which explains why TCM appeals to multiple demographics. And finally, you have music which always existed but with the Edison phonograph, it’s huge business. Nevertheless, these art forms always had their critics and people who thought such breakthroughs were fads that’ll be gone in a short time. But they were wrong. So for the last time this series, I bring you my final installment of Beyond Future Imperfect.

Sports? You’ve Been Hit in the Head Too Many Times

Yes, basketball is just another new game. Of course, never mind that it’s one of the most popular sports in the world with professional leagues. And the fact that people do brackets on March Madness every year.

“Poor build. Very skinny and narrow. Ended the ’99 season weighing 195 pounds and still looks like a rail at 211. Looks a little frail and lacks great physical stature and strength. Can get pushed down more easily than you’d like. Lacks mobility and ability to avoid the rush. Lacks a really strong arm. Can’t drive the ball down the field and does not throw a really tight spiral. System-type player who can get exposed if he must ad-lib and do things on his own.” — Tom Brady’s scouting report for the 2000 NFL Draft (Guess who helped the Patriots win 4 Super Bowls. Nevertheless, he’s still a jerk.)

“Possesses minimal football knowledge and lacks motivation.” – early scouting report on NFL coach Vince Lombardi. (Today the Super Bowl trophy is named after him.)

“Taking the best left-handed pitcher in baseball and converting him into a right fielder is one of the dumbest things I ever heard.” — Tris Speaker, baseball hall of famer, talking about Babe Ruth, 1919. (Apparently, Babe Ruth’s batting record made him a larger than life figure in the 1920s. And his record stood for 34 years until broken by Hank Aaron.)

“Huh. Another new game.”—-Frank Mahan, upon hearing of Basketball (You mean a game that will become one of the most popular sports on the entire planet?)

“Just so-so in center field.” – New York Daily News, after the premiere of Willie Mays, 1951. (Willie Mays is one of the best baseball players of all time.)

Games? Got No Time for That

“Why would anyone want to play a game that has no winner?” –Publisher who rejected Dungeons & Dragons (which is a rather popular game among fantasy nerds.)

“People won’t want to play these electronic games for more than a week, not once we start selling pinball machines for the home,” – Gus Bally, Arcade Inc., 1979. (Uh, newsflash, video games are now a multi-billion dollar industry in the 21^st century.)

Print Media? Who Cares?

“A short-lived satirical pulp.”– TIME, writing off MAD magazine in 1956. (MAD Magazine is still around and is about half a century old.)

“Come on, Stan, people hate spiders. They’re creepy. And everybody knows that teenagers are sidekicks, not superheroes. This Spider-Man idea just won’t sell.” — Martin Goodman, founder of Marvel Comics (paraphrased by Stan Lee), 1962. (Spiderman would become one of the most famous and popular Marvel superheroes ever. Cue 54 years later, and he’s still enormously popular around the world.)

Web Media? Seriously, There’s an App for That?

“The subscription model of buying music is bankrupt. I think you could make available the Second Coming in a subscription model and it might not be successful.” Steve Jobs — Rolling Stone, Dec. 3, 2003 (Uh, Steve, have you ever heard of Netflix? So maybe the subscription model doesn’t work for music.)

“Think about it: You cannot pay the rent posting videos on YouTube.” — Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone, 2007. (Maybe not, but it’s made a shitload of money for advertisers.)

Books? Who Reads Them?

Seems like children weren’t very into witches and wizards. So how JK Rowling managed to publish a series of books about a kid in a wizarding school that attracted a generation of fans is beyond me. Actually it’s not.

“If you believe it is a work of genius, then you may lose a thousand pounds.” — Stanley Unwin, giving permission to publish a work that everyone in the publishing house feared would lose money. (His son believed the same thing but wanted to publish it anyway. The work was Lord of the Rings.)

“Children just aren’t interested in witches and wizards anymore.”-an anonymous publishing executive to J.K. Rowling in 1996. (Yeah, despite that what this executive just turned down is the first book in the Harry Potter series. A series which consisted of 7 books, 8 movies, and millions of merchandise and royalties.)

“The style of his tale is in places disfigured by mad (rather than bad) English; and its catastrophe is hastily, weakly, and obscurely managed…We have little more to say in reprobation or in recommendation of this absurd book…Mr. Melville has to thank himself only if his horrors and his heroics are flung aside by the general reader, as so much trash belonging to the worst school of Bedlam literature — since he seems not so much unable to learn as disdainful of learning the craft of an artist.”— Henry F. Chorley, reviewing Moby-Dick (Boy, did this guy underestimate one of the greatest works in American literature.)

“I’m sorry, Mr Kipling, but you just don’t know how to use the English language.” – The San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a submission by Rudyard Kipling in 1889. (Kipling is one of the most famous authors of the English language of all with works like The Jungle Book, Kim, “Gunga Din,” “Rikki Tikki Tavi,” and The Man Who Would be King.)

“You’ll never make any money out of children’s books” – Advice to JK Rowling from Barry Cunningham, editor at Bloomsbury Books, 1996. (She made a shitload of money off Harry Potter.)

Television? Just a Box of Plywood and a Screen

Some said that television was impossible. Others said it was only a fad that wouldn’t last. So how did we get from those old fashioned TVs to this then? My point.

“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming.” — Lee DeForest, inventor. (Commercially and financially it’s the ultimate juggernaut.)

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” – -Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946 (Today TV is very much alive and well as we all see.)

“TV will never be a serious competitor for radio because people must sit and keep their eyes glued on a screen; the average American family hasn’t time for it.” from the New York Times, 1939. (Logical, but completely wrong.)

“Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.” — Mary Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948. (Uh, some flash in the pan television turned out to be since it’s still around.)

“Television? The word is half Latin and half Greek. No good can come of it.” C. P. Scott. (Oh, yes it can.)

“I will believe in the 500-channel world only when I see it.” – Sumner Redstone, Chairman, Viacom and CBS, 1994. (Man, does he have any idea on how many channels there are nowadays?)

Movies? Just a Fad

Sure Gary Cooper is happy that Clark Gable got the lead in Gone With the Wind and not him. Still, why MGM didn’t ask Gable to play Rhett Butler first is my question since he was born to play that role. Nevertheless, this film earned millions at the box office, won several Oscars, and is seen as movie classic people still watch multiple times. You have to love this movie.

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. (Ironically, Warner Brothers was the company that released The Jazz Singer later that year, which changed the motion picture industry forever. Sound movies have been made ever since. Nevertheless, the transition wasn’t as easy as most people think it is.)

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With the Wind.” (To be fair, Cooper was right to turn down the role of Rhett Butler but not for the reasons he thought at the time. Most people agree Clark Gable was essentially born to play Rhett Butler, a role of a lifetime that gave him everlasting fame that he’s still remembered to this day. As for Gone With the Wind, well, it’s one of the most successful and critically acclaimed movies of all time that continues to be adored by people all over the world over generations.)

“Can’t sing, can’t act, slightly bald – can dance a little.” – Talent agent on Fred Astaire. (Astaire had that guy’s report framed and put over a fireplace in his mansion. Yes, he became an iconic song and dance man as well as one of Hollywood’s biggest stars.)

“While Daniel’s reportedly making close to three hundred thousand dollars for the first movie, it’s been speculated that he’ll rake in close to fifteen million dollars, if the sequels are successful.” – Katie Couric on Daniel Radcliffe’s earnings on the Harry Potter franchise. (Keep in mind that Radcliffe made $53 million on the last two movies alone.)

“Time travel movies don’t work. They just don’t work.” – Executive who passed on Back to the Future (which is a 1980s classic, by the way.)

“No Civil War movie ever made a nickel!” — Louis B. Mayer to David O. Selznick on Gone with the Wind. (Boy, was Mayer wrong, especially since he was alive when Birth of a Nation came out {which was a huge hit, but it’s a racist piece of shit}.)

“You better get secretarial work or get married.” –Emmeline Snively, advising would-be model Marilyn Monroe in 1944. (Later she’d be an actress and the first woman to pose nude for Playboy. Today she’s an American cultural icon.)

“Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.”—Charlie Chaplin (Pretty good guess for what would become an incredibly important medium of entertainment for generations to come as well as an industry earning millions of dollars. And yes, you helped create that.)

“If we put out a screen machine, there will be a use for maybe about ten of them in the whole United States. With that many screen machines, you could show the pictures to everyone in the country — and then it would be done. Let’s not kill the goose that lays the golden egg.” — Thomas Edison on movie projectors (At the time, Edison had a thriving business making viewing devices called Kinetoscopes, which showed movies to one person at a time. Other people will improve this invention and would soon make full fledged movies.)

“I wouldn’t give a dime for all the possibilities of [motion pictures with sound]. The public will never accept it.” — Kodak founder George Eastman (Oh, yes, the public will. And they did.)

“…[S]ound is a passing fancy. It won’t last.”— MGM exec Irving Thalberg, after seeing “The Jazz Singer” in 1927. (They’re still with us in 2016. In fact, most movies made are talkies that sound departments are now the most underrated people in Hollywood. Some passing fancy that turned out to be.)

“I do not believe that black and white will disappear entirely. It will still be the ideal medium for certain subjects, not merely for newsreels and shorts, but for full-length pictures.”— Rouben Mamoulian, director of one of the first three-strip Technicolor movies, “Becky Sharp” (Nowadays most movies are in color because it’s cheaper. However, some films are made in black and white for artistic purposes.)

“Films made expressly for theatrical distribution should not be funneled into television, nor should big-name personalities be encouraged to appear too frequently on video, because the public will tire of seeing them and thus their pictures will suffer at the box office.” — A group of thirty Hollywood producers and cinema owners, 1951. (Turns out that putting celebs on Leno, Letterman, or Conan actually helps ticket sales. And then there’s the teleplay that was later made into a movie called Marty that won a slew of Academy Awards. Not to mention, nowadays, they even have movie networks like TCM which is fairly popular. Also, a movie has to be out on home media long enough to be broadcast on TV where it’s edited for commercials and censorship {save on TCM, PBS, and Premium Cable}.)

“I say to you that the VCR is to the American film producer and the American public as the Boston strangler is to the woman home alone.” — Jack Valenti, 1982. (Within a decade of that statement, studios were making more money from home video than from movie ticket sales. So if your indie film didn’t do well at the box office. Just hope it comes out on DVD.)

“…[W]ithout even knowing what’s happening, audiences might gradually absorb that the digital images they’re watching in theaters are no different than what they see at home, that they’re actually just watching TV with more people. And that could be the end of movies as we know them.” — Variety film critic Todd McCarthy, writing about digital projection in 1999. (Nowadays, everything’s digital).

“…Digital technologies can enable a level of piracy that would undermine our capacity to produce films and entertainment, undermine deployment of broadband networks, undermine the digital television transition, and ultimately result in fewer choices and options for American consumers.”— Disney chairman Michael Eisner, speaking to Congress in 2002.(Eisner neglected to note that digital technologies can also radically reduce Disney’s costs of distributing content to consumers and to theaters. Also: at the time, Disney movies were not available legally on the Internet, and today, most of the Disney catalog is still available only on DVD. Who exactly is presenting consumers with fewer choices and options? Hint: It’s not Disney.)

“There are great cinematographers who’ll shoot on film for the next twenty years.” — Bob Beitcher, chief executive of Panavision, 2006. (Though Panavision has been a pioneer of digital cinematography with cameras like the Genesis, its bigger business is renting high-end film cameras.)

Music? That’s Not Going to Last

So Decca turned down these 4 Liverpudlian mop tops because they hated their music and guitar stuff was on the way out. Meanwhile these guys signed with 2 other companies, produced a shitload of albums and songs, appeared in 3 movies and Ed Sullivan, and experienced a dramatic break up.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. (This is probably the worst business decision Decca ever made, which certainly went back to bite them in the ass. Columbia and Apple were I bet the person who made the decision was fired over this.)

“It’ll be gone by June.” – Variety Magazine on Rock n’ Roll, 1955 (Sorry, but Rock n’ Roll is here to stay and shows no signs of fading out anytime soon.)

“The phonograph is not of any commercial value.”— Thomas Alva Edison, 1880 (Edison has no idea what he just invented like a way to record sound that can be listened to later. This would lead to all kinds of developments as well as the birth of the recording industry.)

“Far too noisy, my dear Mozart. Far too many notes.”— Emperor Ferdinand of Austria, 1786 (Obviously, he knew nothing about music.)

“”Weird Al” Yankovic, your fifteen minutes are up.” – a review of UHF, 1980s. (Nevertheless, Weird Al is one of the most enduring and popular musical artists because he continues to parody music. He’s never went anywhere.)

“Stick to driving a truck, because you’ll never make it as a singer.” – Eddie Bond rejecting Elvis Presley, 1954. (Elvis would release his first few hits a month later.)

“Guitar is a good hobby, John, but you’ll never make a living of it.”—John Lennon’s Aunt Mimi when he was a teenager. (In 1964, a group of fans had that quote on a plaque and sent to her.)

“He’s not going to go far, is he? He’s just not star material.” – Rock journalist Judy Willis on David Bowie. (I’m sure she eventually underestimated the power of Ziggy Stardust and Major Tom.)

“Male vocal in the 1968 feeling—thin, piercing voice with no emotional appeal…dreary songs…one-key singer…pretentious material.” — A panel review of a BBC audition in 1968 of Sir Elton John to promote his first single, “Lady Samantha.” (He’d get much better after a few years.)

“I’ve heard they have beautiful lights but they don’t sound like nothing.” – Jimi Hendrix on Pink Floyd. (Boy, would he be wrong about them. I mean the group’s The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon have become iconic albums in their own right.)

“Home Taping Is Killing Music” — A 1980s campaign by the BPI, claiming that people recording music off the radio onto cassette would destroy the music industry. (No, it wouldn’t since it’s kind of impossible since the music changes so often. My parents just recorded stuff on cassette from records and CDs during the 1980s and 1990s.)

“The singer [Mick Jagger] will have to go; the BBC won’t like him.”— First Rolling Stones manager Eric Easton to his partner after watching them perform. (Sorry, but Mick Jagger is still the lead singer for the Rolling Stones and shows no sign of slowing down.)

“The Beatles have no future in show business.”— Dick Rowe, Decca Records executive, rejecting The Beatles (Makes me wonder whether he ended up fired sometime after this. I mean he’s basically made one of the worst decisions in music history.)

“Next Christmas the iPod will be dead, finished, gone, kaput.” – Sir Alan Sugar, 2005. (It’s still around and was a massive success.)

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Beyond Future Imperfect – Part 6: Arts and Entertainment No One’s Going to Be Interested