A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Up on Mount Fraught”

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While her older siblings are trying to get out a rushing caravan and fleeing snow gnats, Sunny is Count Olaf’s hostage as he and his crew drive up to Mount Fraught. Not surprisingly, she had cried all the way up to the mountain while on Esme’s lap. Until Olaf threatens her. Once at the site, Sunny is treated as a slave in which she’s made to hitch tents and cook the meals, chores no baby or toddler should ever do. Though she has to sleep in Olaf’s trunk with a casserole dish for a bed. She’s also quite lonely since nobody understands her. Yet, at least she knows that her older siblings would see her. Still, Olaf’s quite happy with how things are going since he believes that Violet and Klaus are dead (they’re not). All he has to do is find V.F.D. headquarters and burn it down with its contents. Not to mention, False Spring is around the corner.

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The song I went with is “Up on the Roof” by the Drifters. Written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, the original version pertains to an urban romantic dream at the New York City Brill Building. In this version, I have Count Olaf sing about being on Mount Fraught and how good things are going for him.

 

“Up on Mount Fraught”

Sung by Count Olaf

Troupe:
Up on Mount Fraught
Up on Mount Fraught

Count Olaf:
Once done with setting Caligari aflame
While Violet and Klaus Baudelaire fly down to certain death (Up on Mount Fraught)
We drive all the way to the top of Mount Fraught
With Sunny as my chip for the Baudelaire assets (Up on Mount Fraught)

On Mount Fraught, we all just have to find
Is V.F.D.’s home site and all its files
Let me tell you now

Let’s make camp here since we’re tired and beat
Let Sunny go pitch the tents and make the treats (Up on Mount Fraught)
She’ll sleep inside the trunk of my car
While doing all of her chores for us for free (Up on Mount Fraught)

On Mount Fraught, she’ll probably won’t escape
Since she really has no other place to go
Right here up on Mount Fraught (Up on Mount Fraught)

Of course, it’ll be years until she’s eighteen
And when she is, we’ll all wipe her bank clean
I keep-a tellin’ you

Right smack dab at the Mortmain Mountains
The V.F.D. home base will go aflame (Up on Mount Fraught)
We’ll torch the file detailing our crimes
We’ll burn it to the ground up on Mont Fraught (Up on Mount Fraught)

Up on Mount Fraught (Up on Mount Fraught)
Oh, strike it, orphan (Up on Mount Fraught)
Oh, come on, work it (Up on Mount Fraught)
Everything is all right (Up on Mount Fraught)

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stinging Snow Gnats”

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According to Lemony Snicket, the snow gnats of the Mortmain Mountains swarm around to sting people for no reason whatsoever. Violet and Klaus find themselves in the middle of a swarm of them. Though their stings aren’t very poisonous to people, they won’t go away if you ignore them. But they don’t like fire, which doesn’t work out for the elder Baudelaires. So they decide to throw a coat over their heads. So they decide to hide  in a nearby cave, which Violet isn’t very happy about. Since there may be hibernating animals around. But they don’t have much choice.

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The song I chose for this part is Donovan’s “Mellow Yellow.” The original version was rumored to be about dried banana skins which was believed to be used as an hallucinogenic drug in the 1960s. But that has been debunked. However, Donovan did admit its “electric banana” refers to a vibrator. Nevertheless, he reaffirmed that the song is really about, “it’s about being cool, laid-back, and also the electrical bananas that were appearing on the scene – which were ladies’ vibrators.” Also, Paul McCartney was one of the background revelers though it was Donovan himself who whispered “quite rightly.” In this song, Klaus discusses the snow gnats.

 

“Stinging Snow Gnats”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

I’ve read something on snow gnats
Heard they all swarm and sting
Though they’re mildly toxic
They’re quite a pain in the ass

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

Let’s put the coat on for cover
Hope it’ll just do the trick
Though they really hate fire
It’s not among our alternatives

They call them stinging snow gnats
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

There’s a cave not too far by
Guess we must take a chance
Yes, we might startle a bear
But they won’t give up in attack

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

Ouch, stinging snow gnats

I know this is risky
But we must seek a cave
Since you just can’t ignore them
Just got to find a way to evade

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

God, snow gnats, Ouch
They’re a pain in the ass
I just want to escape from snow gnats
Got to go into that cave

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

Oh, they’re stinging
Shit, those snow gnats

 

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Uphill Climb”

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Since the caravan fell off the cliff so quickly after Violet and Klaus got out, the elder Baudelaires didn’t have time to gather supplies or much of anything. So they have to make do to what they managed to salvage and it’s not reassuring. Klaus has a poncho, pitcher, sweater, and mirror while Violet’s got a coat, ukulele, and bread knife. In regards to supplies, they don’t have anything useful besides the clothes they got. Since they have no transport and given Klaus’s photographic memory, the elder Baudelaires decide to hike up the mountain themselves. Because that’s where Count Olaf seems heading and where Sunny will be. Not to mention, there’s V.F.D. headquarters which might help them find a possible surviving parent. That means they’ll have to head up the Stricken Stream which is in a grayish black though there may be caves nearby. Yet, before long, they run into snow gnats.

Steep Alpine mountains covered in winter snow

The song I picked here was Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah’s “Lake Shore Drive” which is about an expressway around Lake Michigan in Chicago and featured in the second Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus discussing their situation in the Mortmain Mountains as they set off on their tedious journey.

 

“Uphill Climb”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Here’s a coat for you from the caravan, for a colder uphill climb
On Mount Fraught is where Olaf’s at, so we better get supplies
Got a coat beside a bread knife, ukulele for the fire
Not well suited for a mountain climb, but we must get by
Guess this’ll be a long cold journey for both of us, start on uphill climb

Both:
Count Olaf has our Sunny
Atop of Mount Fraught
Starting up our uphill climb, hope she can be found
Need to find base of V.F.D., anytime trouble bound

Klaus:
We follow up from the Stricken Stream, I think we can get by
If we ever need a place to sleep, we can stop inside caves nearby
I’ve got a pitcher, mirror, sweater, and poncho if you must surmise
But we must start on our journey, walking an uphill climb
Better move up the mountainside to find Sunny, though we lack supplies

Both:
Count Olaf has our Sunny
Atop of Mount Fraught
Starting up our uphill climb, hope she can be found
Need to find base of V.F.D., anytime trouble bound

Violet:
We’re climbing up and we don’t have food
Klaus, what did you want to say?
I’m sure Count Olaf won’t hurt her much, since he’ll assume we’re already dead
Don’t list why the Stricken Stream is a grayish black or talk about Mom or Dad
Give me the poncho, you wear the sweater, what’s that large cloud of black?
Wonder how we’d find a way to escape, from the swarm of stinging snow gnats

Both:
Count Olaf has our Sunny
Atop of Mount Fraught
Starting up our uphill climb, hope she can be found
Need to find base of V.F.D., anytime trouble bound

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Headlong”

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Before I go on with my musical for A Series of Unfortunate Events, I’d like to warn my viewers that there will be major spoilers ahead for those who’ve watched the Netflix series but haven’t read the books from this point on. As of May 2018, its third season is in production as we speak and won’t be out until next year. So if you don’t want to be spoiled right now, I’d recommend you don’t see read my ASOUE song parodies after The Carnivorous Carnival. Thank you.

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When we left off, Count Olaf had just kidnapped Sunny as he and his henchmen headed up toward the Mortmain Mountains, leaving Violet and Klaus trapped on a rapidly moving caravan with contents flying around them while whizzing to almost certain death. Immediately Violet and Klaus shed their two-headed person costume while the elder takes charge of the situation. Violet hangs hammocks out the door to use as a drag chute while Klaus mixes in whatever he finds in the kitchen to pour onto the wheels slowing it down enough for them to get out. Once that’s done, Violet and Klaus haul a table out to bring the caravan to a stop. Turns out, if they didn’t stop the caravan in time, the elder Baudelaires would’ve easily fell to their deaths. Yet, as soon as Violet and Klaus get out, the caravan rolls toward the edge of a cliff before it falls and hits the bottom with a quiet crash. Let’s just say, these two narrowly escaped that one.

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The song I decided to use for this moment is Queen’s “Headlong.” Written by lead guitarist Brian May, it was released as a single in 1991 for its Innuendo album. They also shot the promotional music video for it some 12 months before lead singer Freddie Mercury died of AIDS. The original version is about rushing into something head first without preparation or thinking of the consequences. In this version, the elder Baudelaires are sort of rushing headlong though it has more to do with being on a moving caravan heading toward a cliff than anything. While Violet and Klaus try to stop it before they fall along with it.

 

“Headlong” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
And we’re rushing headlong down from a steep hill
And we’re rushing headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping and there’s nothin’
You can do about it
Nothin’ you can do
No there’s nothin’ you can do about it
No there’s nothin’ you can, nothin’ you can
Nothin’ you can do about it

Klaus:
And we’re rushing headlong down from a steep hill
And we’re rushing headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping and there’s nothin’
You can do about it
Yeah

Klaus:
Vi, we really need a plan to stop this caravan

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do

Klaus:
The contents are already flying around us, man

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do

Now it’s time to shed our freak disguise
Gotta make a drag chute, because a brake won’t fly
Help me with the hammocks
Cause we can’t be picky since I’m hanging them out
But we really need something stick

Both:
Headlong down the steep slope and we’re rushing
Headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping and you can’t stop rockin’
And there’s nothin’ you can, nothin’ you can
Nothin’ you can do about it

Klaus:
Got a wide array of condiments in this cabinet

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do (ho)

Klaus:
You got everything from hot mustard to blackstrap molasses

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do

Mix them altogether in a bowl large and round
Then throw the mix on the wheels to slow them down
I’m using the Sumac for tying these hammocks
Haul a table out the door
As a brake to stop, its rushing headlong

Both:
Headlong out of control, yeah
We think we’re so strong
There ain’t no stopping and there’s nothin’ you, nothin’ you
Nothin’ you can do about it at all

Yeah yeah alright go

And it’s rushing headlong down a steep hill
And it’s rushing headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping
There’s nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ you can do about it, yeah
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ha ha
Headlong
Yeah yeah
Headlong
Yeahaw
Headlong

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Caravan”

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After setting the carnival on fire, Count Olaf leads the elder Baudelaires to his car where Sunny is sitting on Esme’s lap supposedly crying or screaming. He tells them to ride in the caravan, which Violet hitches with her Devil’s Tongue knot as well as that he blamed the fire on the Baudelaires (though setting the place aflame was his idea). After Violet and Klaus hop into the caravan and Olaf’s henchmen in the car, they depart the carnival for the Mortmain Mountains. Yet, during the trip as they head up the slopes, Count Olaf reveals to the Baudelaires that Madame Lulu told them who they were and that he has Sunny in his clutches to raise until she comes of age. And since he doesn’t need Violet and Klaus anymore, he sees no need to keep pulling the caravan with them inside. So the freaks form a human chain and cut the rope with a big knife as the elder Baudelaires helplessly watch from the window. As a result, Sunny is now Count Olaf’s hostage as he and his crew drive up the Mortmain Mountains while her older siblings are being rushed down a slope in a caravan to their deaths. If you want to find out what happens, read the next book.

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The song I selected here is “Teacher” by Jethro Tull. The original version tells the story of a socially awkward guy who buys a plane ticket from a more jovial man so they can go on vacation together. However, the freeloader has all the fun while the narrator ends up as neurotic as ever. In this version, I have Count Olaf having the Baudelaires come with him on a drive to the Mortmain Mountains before revealing Olivia’s betrayal and having the freaks cut the rope to the caravan with Violet and Klaus inside.

 

“Caravan”

Sung by Count Olaf

Well, the fire is burning,
The carnival is in disarray,
Seems like you found the right map,
Location’s coded as a stain.
It’s from a lesson
That I learned as a small boy,
You’ll be at my discretion
Since you don’t have any choice.

Go in the caravan,
Chabo goes with me.
Tie the cart to my car so we all can flee.
Going up to the Mortmain Mountain range
I’ve told the Punctilio the Baudelaires are to blame.

Chabo’s now on Esme’s lap,
While the knot is rather tight.
Use this walkie talkie,
Now let’s get things started right.

C’mon, I’ll start the car while you’re the caravan,
We’ll get to the Mortmain Mountains from the Hinterlands.
So sit tight, it’ll be all right, say what’s on your mind
Since I’m pulling you, so you won’t be far behind.

Though I have to tell you
That Lulu made me aware
That you two and Chabo
Are the three Baudelaires.

Since I have your sis, no need to pull this caravan,
Come on, freaks, cut off this rope so we get ahead.
Vi and Klaus, nice working with you but we ought to scram
So I hope you two don’t sweat it, rolling to your death.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Light a Fire”

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As the Baudelaires are just getting over the shock of Olivia’s death, Count Olaf and Esme show up. Esme’s carrying a bouquet of ivy while Olaf has a torch. Though they don’t seem to recognize the kids through their disguises, don’t put it past them. Anyway, they tell the children that they invited all the freaks to join the theater troupe despite failing to uphold their side of the bargain. Seeing they don’t have much of a choice, the Baudelaires agree. Though Count Olaf does spot a map with a stain on it that makes him figure with the V.F.D. headquarters is in the Mortmain Mountains. Anyway, he asks the children to take the food crates and set the tent on fire while Esme takes Sunny away. As the carnival is in chaos and since Count Olaf is their only way out of the place again, Violet and Klaus follow suit.

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Of course, I had to use the Doors’ “Light My Fire” for a parody here. Though the original version had to do with metaphorical fires pertaining to sex and possibly marijuana. Though in this version, Count Olaf is trying to convince Violet and Klaus to set Madame Lulu’s tent on fire and meet up with them.

 

“Light a Fire”

Sung by Count Olaf

Come on, you freaks and join my troupe
You know we couldn’t be much nicer
Just take all these crates of food
And then you set this tent on fire

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set this place on fire

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can’t even lose
Make this carnival a funeral pyre

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set this place on fire, yeah

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can’t even lose
Make this carnival a funeral pyre

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set this place on fire, yeah

Come on, you freaks and join my troupe
You know we couldn’t be much nicer
Just take all these crates of food
And then you set this tent on fire

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set the place on fire
Try to set the place on fire
Try to set the place on fire
Try to set the place on fire

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Lulu Lies Bleeding”

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Though they escaped with their lives, the Baudelaires are nonetheless distressed by Olivia’s grisly end since she seemed to be among the few adults who seemed to sympathize with them. Not to mention, one of the only adults who didn’t see the kids as killers. Anyway, the children go return to Madame Lulu’s tent to get what they need for their escape. Violet is worried about the fan belt though we all know it’s in the pit of lions since Olivia had it when she fell. But she’s really just trying to focus on anything but what’s just happened and worrying their course of action might not be the right one. However, Klaus and Sunny try to reassure her that her invention might not’ve worked and that Olivia’s death wasn’t their fault. After all, the crowd was bloodthirsty to begin with and the lions pit was Count Olaf’s idea. But none of it makes their sister any happier. Still, Klaus is determined not to give up since he’s a researcher and knows there’s a way to get to the bottom of things. Besides, Olivia was planning to leave since she had stuff packed, including the food.

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Once again, I turn to Elton John with “Love Lies Bleeding” which opens with an instrumental sequence called “Funeral for a Friend.” The original version is about the dissolution of a relationship due to cheating. In this version, I have Violet trying to coming to terms with Oliva’s death and Klaus trying to reassure her.

 

“Lulu Lies Bleeding”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We went inside the fortune tent
While the crowd looks by
Lions eating Madame Lulu
And that bad bald guy

But I don’t see the fan belt around in this tent
Not sure where it went to
But if I don’t find it now
We may not even get out

Klaus:
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Oh, she’s being eaten by lions along with the bald man
It’s not our fault that Olivia had fallen in
The crowd was blood thirsty and Count Olaf had started it
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit

Violet:
I wonder if our actions
Are in the right to do
Seeing two people are devoured
It all has led us to

Klaus:
Though she had her bags all packed
Inside her fortune tent
Let’s take some of her archives at this moment, Vi
And we’ll make it there by then

Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Oh, she’s being eaten by lions along with the bald man
It’s not our fault that Olivia had fallen in
The crowd was blood thirsty and Count Olaf had started it
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit

Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Oh, she’s being eaten by lions along with the bald man
It’s not our fault that Olivia had fallen in
The crowd was blood thirsty and Count Olaf had started it
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit

Ooh ooh
Ooh
Oh oh oh oh ooh
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Ooh
Ooh ooh

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Lions Pit Rhapsody”

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As I said before, Violet and Klaus accept their chosen lot graciously as they’re escorted to the pit to certain death. But Violet suggests that someone might want to push them into the pit instead, preferably Count Olaf. However, while deeply honored, Count Olaf declines with various excuses like being allergic to cats despite that he absolutely had no problem with capturing and whipping hungry lions and living to tell the tale. Esme suggests Madame Lulu do it since she wants to see the fortune teller dead. Yet, the crowd really doesn’t care who gets to push in the alleged co-joined twins. Though apprehensive, Olivia reluctantly agrees, apologizing to the elder Baudelaires. After all, she wants to give people what they want. And what the crowd wants is live violence and gore of someone being eaten alive. But then the Hook-Handed Man stands up since he’s fed up with delay while the other freaks come forward to prove they can be Count Olaf’s henchmen. Though Violet does try to calm things down, she fails as Olivia snatches the fan belt from her. Since she and Klaus aren’t going to need it anyway as far as she’s concerned. After Count Olaf promises a special reward to anyone who’d push Beverly and Elliot in, the audience joins in and a scene of chaos ensues, allowing the Baudelaires to escape with their lives. However, Olivia and the Bald Man with the Long Nose aren’t so lucky as the lions a enjoy a satisfying meal from their flesh and blood.

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The song I selected is Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” since I think it’s perfect for such a dramatic scene. The original version centers around a man sentenced to death for killing a guy and is begging to spare his life. But it’s such a fun song to sing. In this version, I use this for the lions scene everyone has been waiting for which results in the Olivia and the Bald Man’s deaths.

 

“Lions Pit Rhapsody”

Violet and Klaus:
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landmine,
No escape from reality.

Violet:
Ladies and gents,
We’re thrilled to be chosen here
We’re just poor co-joins, we need no sympathy
Because we’re easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to us, to us.

Klaus:
Olaf, we thank you sir,
Yet, just ask my other head,
Thinks you should push us in instead,
Olaf, just look at the crowd,
Be a real pain if we failed to entertain.

Count Olaf:
Sorry, ooh,
But I’m afraid that I decline,
Cause I happen to be allergic to lions,
After all, it’s not my job since I’m only an actor.

Esme:
Lulu should push them instead,
She’s a Caligari employee,
So she be pushing down a freak.
Besides, everybody, she always tries,
Gotta give them what they want and see this through.

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Esme, ooh (c’mon, Madame Lulu)
This isn’t my job,
For I’m only a carnival fortune teller.

I’m sorry, but I’m going have to do this.

Crowd:
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you just get right to it?

Violet and Klaus:
Very hungry lions
Very, very frightening us.

Troupe:
(Galileo) Galileo.
(Galileo) Galileo,
Galileo Figaro
Magnifico-o-o-o-o.

Violet and Klaus:
We’re just poor co-joins nobody loves us.

Freaks:
They’re just poor co-joins from a poor family.

Crowd:
Can you go on with this monstrosity?

Hook-Handed Man:
I’ll push them for I am, brave enough to do so.

Hugo:
Bismillah! Hey, I’m brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Colette and Kevin:
Bismillah! Hey, we’re brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Bald Man with Long Nose and White-Faced Women:
Bismillah! Hey, we’re brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Guess you have to go. (Do it now!)

Crowd:
Guess I’ll do it, too (Me too, me too, me too, I’ll go, too)
Oh oh oh oh

Troupe:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Violet (Klaus):
Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let us go.)

Esme:
Count Olaf has a special reward for the deed, the deed, the deed.

Violet:
So you think you can help us and spit in our eyes?

Klaus:
So you think you could help us and leave us to die?
Oh, sisters, it’s all chaos here, sisters,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

(Ooooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah)

Count Olaf:
Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters but me.

Goodbye, Madame Lulu.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Get Ready”

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The method of choosing the victim to be thrown into the lions pit is simple. It involves taking a name out of a box. Naturally, Count Olaf picks out the name and unfolds it very slowly to increase the suspense. In the TV show, he describes each process in how he gradually unfolds the paper at deliberate speed. Meanwhile, the Baudelaires think about their escape plan as well as all the bloodthirsty crowds they’ve put up with at this point and what to do about it. Though Olivia has the fan belt and Violet’s good at inventing things, she’s more of a Lady McGyver than anything. Klaus may be a walking and talking encyclopedia but he’s not sure what would prevent them from being eaten by lions if he and Violet were chosen. Unfortunately, it’s the elder Baudelaires who are chosen to go into the pit. And I don’t think there was anything random about it. But Violet and Klaus seem to address it like they were chosen for the Hunger Games.

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The song I picked for this is “Get Ready” by the Temptations. The original version pertains to a man telling his gal that she better get ready because he’s coming for her. In this version, I have Count Olaf increasing the suspense of the crowd by unfolding the paper very slowly.

 

“Get Ready” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

I never saw a crowd who loves seeing blood and gore like you do. (It’s alright)
Bet you want to know which freak’s getting thrown into the pit real soon. (It’s outta sight)

So, fee-fi-fo-fum
Look out people, ’cause here it come.

And I’m unfolding the paper for you.
So get ready, so get ready.
To see who’s getting devoured for you.
So get ready, so get ready ’cause here it comes.

(Get ready ’cause here it comes) I’m on my way.
(Get ready ’cause here it comes)
I’m unfolding the paper slowly to make the mood more suspenseful. (It’s alright)
But whoever gets eaten by lions will surely make this all eventful. (It’s outta sight)

So, fiddley-dee, fiddley-dum
Look out people, ’cause here it comes.

And I’m unfolding the paper for you.
So get ready, so get ready.
To see who’s getting devoured for you.
So get ready, so get ready ’cause here it comes.

(Get ready ’cause here it comes) I’m on my way.
(Get ready ’cause here it comes)
(Get ready)

I’m still unfolding the paper but I’m getting to the end now. (It’s alright)
Will Beverly and Elliot step right up to the wooden plank now? (It’s outta sight)

So tiddley-dee, tiddley-dum
Look out people, ’cause here it comes.

And they’re going to be eaten real soon.
So get ready, so get ready.
So the lions will eat them for you.
So get ready, so get ready ’cause here it comes.

(Get ready ’cause here it comes) They’re on their way.
(Get ready ’cause here it comes)
(Get ready ’cause here it comes-a)
(Get ready)

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Razzle Dazzle”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Word of the big lion show has spread far and wide that it draws a sizable crowd. There’s even a reporter named Geraldine Julienne talking to Count Olaf who states that he’s not Count Omar who the Baudelaires murdered (except they didn’t since Olaf framed them for killing Jacques). As Madame Lulu, Olivia takes responsibility escorting the freaks and the Baudelaires toward the pit and with the fan belt for their escape vehicle in tow. Meanwhile, Count Olaf comes out to warm up the raucous crowd and allows them to speculate on who will be thrown into the pit of lions, saying: “Observe Hugo’s funny back. Think about how silly it is that Colette can bend herself into all sorts of strange positions. Giggle at the absurdity of Kevin’s ambidextrous arms and legs. Snicker at Beverly and Elliot, the two-headed freak. And laugh so hard you can scarcely breathe at Chabo the Wolf Baby.” The crowd does as instructed but the also mock the Hook-Handed Man and a guy with zits.20427010_tv-review-a-series-of-unfortunate_t23750f66

The song I chose here is “Razzle Dazzle” from Chicago. In the original version, Billy Flynn coaches Roxie how to charm the jury and get away with killing a guy. But in this version, I have Count Olaf sing a song to warm up the crowd for the lions show. Though I don’t emphasize so much on getting the audience to speculate. However, I barely changed the lyrics since the song on its own can pretty much describe Olaf to a tee. So he might as well be singing about himself.

 

“Razzle Dazzle” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
Give ’em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle ’em
Give ’em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give ’em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather ’em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle ’em
And they’ll never catch wise!

Give ’em the old Razzle Dazzle
Razzle dazzle ’em
Give ‘em a show with a good old lion’s pit

Row after row will crow vociferous

Give ’em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture ’em

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

Throw ’em a fake and a finagle
They’ll never know you’re just a shyster,

Razzle dazzle ’em
And they’ll beg you for more!

Give ’em the old double whammy
Daze and dizzy ’em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler

Give ’em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger ’em
When you’re in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder
They’ll let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle ’em
And you’ve got a romance

Troupe (same time as Count Olaf):
Give ’em the old
Razzle Dazzle

Count Olaf:
Give ’em the old Razzle Dazzle
Razzle dazzle ’em
Show ’em the first-rate sorcerer you are
Long as you keep ’em way off balance
How can they spot you’ve got no talents
Razzle Dazzle ’em

Count Olaf and Troupe:
Razzle Dazzle ’em
Razzle Dazzle ’em
And they’ll make you a star!