Advertising Lost in Translation

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Many time we don’t realize that we live in a world of globalized markets where products are sold all around the world. In some ways this is good for business. Yet, in other ways, it gets really hard to advertise, especially with the certain cultures and languages are involved, often with rather funny and disturbing results. An advertisement in one country will not always have the same effect in the other. And sometimes some slogans may be a country’s equivalent to something offensive or negative and won’t waste the time. So here’s a list of advertising gone lost in translation. (Viewer discretion is advised and it might not be safe for work.)

1. Any time there’s an advertisement with a before and after picture going left to right in the Middle East. Middle Easterners usually read from right to left so presenting an ad like this is telling them your product sucks or cause what it’s supposed to alleviate. Thus, it’s like diet pills and weight loss plans make you fat, medicine makes you sick, and cleaning products make everything dirty to someone in Saudi Arabia.

2. The origin of Exxon was a move to prevent this during a planned consolidation of the Enco and Esso brands of Standard Oil of New Jersey. It was originally going to be Enco until it was learned “enco” means “stalled car” in Japanese.

3. Any product containing the word “mist” and sold in Germany. In that country, it means manure. Interestingly, the word “mist” actually comes from the Old German word originally referring to the steam rising from a fresh pile of dung. Also, Clariol’s Mist Stick bears some similarity to the German “mistuck” meaning “bitch” or “piece of manure.”

4. The Japanese have a popular milky soft drink named Calpis (sounds similar to “cow piss”) and energy drinks named Pocari Sweat and its spin-off Pet Sweat.

5. The case with a port called Cockburn’s Dry Tang. Of course, this may have funny implications already in English. Yet, in Sweden “tang” is a term used for seaweed and as an obscure term for vagina. Also, didn’t help matters when it was changed to “Cockburn’s Dry Cock.” Also, the Cockburn name is said to be pronounced “co-burns” and is said to derive from an Old English personal name meaning “warrior with black sword.” Still, doesn’t help inciting shits and giggles though.

6. Any product with “vic” in it and sold in Germany where it sounds like “fick” meaning “fuck.”

7. Sega has two cases in Italy and Sweden. In Sweden it means to procrastinate, do something slowly, and tough when it comes to food. In Italy, it means “to masturbate.”

8. There is a Latin American bread brand named Bimbo after its mascot a bear. Of course, call any feminist a bimbo in America and you’d get a very different reaction.

9. There is a German vitamin-boosted hot chocolate mix named Scho-vit. It’s obvious why it’s not popular in English-speaking countries.

10. The Polish piano maker Calisa sells under a different name in Finland since it’s similar to the Finnish word for “long underpants.”

11. I wonder if the light bulb company Osram ever knew that their name meant “I will shit (on something)” in Polish.

12. There is a shaving cream in Norway called, “Barber Skum.” Kind of an insult to English-speaking barbers.

13. There is a Barf Detergent in Iran with “barf” meaning “snow” in Persian. Of course, in English it pertains to why someone might need detergent.

14. A literal translation of a men’s underwear brand in Taiwan means “little yellow pansy.”

15. There is a bus company named Fucker in Germany and one in Switzerland named FART (listed on a travel guide as “that’s the company name, not the means of propulsion.”)

16. There is a South African truck line named Tata, a slang for breasts in the US.

17. It’s always been hard to translate a brand name into an acceptable one in foreign countries, more difficult if it’s from a different writing system:

a. Some Coca Cola mistranslations in Chinese range from “bite the wax tadpole” to “bite the wax-fattened mare.”

b. A Pepsi slogan that said “Come alive! You’re the Pepsi Generation!” was allegedly mistranslated in Chinese as “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead!”

c. The Ben and Jerry flavor “Chunky Monkey” was mistranslated in Japanese as “Chunks of Monkey.”

18. Cars have a similar problem as well with names, especially marketing in Latin America:

a. Originally the Ford Cortina was going to be the Ford Caprino until the company learned that “caprino” means “goat-like” or “goaty” in Spanish. Though they didn’t know that “cortina” is Spanish for “curtain.”

b. Honda once introduced a model named “Fitta” until they learned it was crude term for female genitalia in Norwegian and Swedish. Was also going to be used with the slogan, “It looks small on the outside, but is huge once you get in.” Was renamed “Jazz” and “Fit” according to market.

c. Strangely the Buick Lacrosse was renamed the Buick Allure in Canada since “crosse” is Quebecois slang for “fraud, swindle, rip-off” as well as “to jerk off.” It was later restored to its original name and GM began offering replacement nameplates.

d. No one wanted to buy the Chevy Nova in Spanish speaking countries since “nova” means “doesn’t go.”

e. The Nissan Moco and Mazda Laputa could be seen in Spanish as the Nissan Snot and Mazda Whore.

f. The Mitshibishi Pajero was marketed the Montero or Shogun because “pajero” was Spanish slang for “wanker.”

g. The Toyota MR 2 failed to sell in France because it’s similar to “est merdeux” meaning “shitty.”

h. Chrysler did significant poorly when trying to sell in China because its company’s name was translated in Mandarin Chinese to “about to die.”

i. Bad marketing naming could be in English speaking countries as well. For instance, take the Nissan Cedric. “Cedric” was said to be an Australian slang term for homosexual. To which a Nissan exec said, “Australia has many homosexuals, therefore we shall sell many cars!”

19. While KFC’s slogans are “We do chicken right” and “Finger-Lickin’ Good” is translated to Chinese “It’s right that we become prostitutes” and “Eat Your Fingers Off.”

20. There is a major canned vegetable company named Sodd in Norway. Of course, it’s an archaic word for soup.

21. Taco once sold the chili cheese burrito as the “Chilito” until they learned it was Hispanic slang for “small penis.”

22. Though Sharwoods Bundh is a curry sauce, “bundh” is Punjabi slang for “backside.”

23. Though we know it as the appliance company BEKO, it’s actually named Arcelick in its native Turkey.

24. While Pixar may seem a clean name in English, in Catalan it means, “to urinate.”

25. The location bookmarking app Rego got publicity in Brazil after it was found, “rego” means “drain” or “gutter” in Portuguese.

26. The Perdue Farms’ slogan “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” was once said to be translated in Mexico as “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.” And it may not be a mistranslation.

27. IKEA has plenty of these since they don’t relabel their products for foreign markets, no matter how stupid they sound in local languages. A few examples:

a. While Gutvick is a town in Sweden and a decent name to brand a bunk bed, in German it bears similarity to “guter fick” meaning “good fuck.”

b. While “Frak” is a mirror brand, in the US it is a  name for a set of mirrors in Battlestar Galactica as well as used as a verb describing as a gas and oil extraction process and short for “hydraulic fracturing,” “hydro-fracking,” or “fracking.” (Contrary to what oil and gas companies say, hydraulic fracturing has never been proven as a clean technology. Rather, it’s a controversial practice getting a lot of opposition from environmentalists and scientists alike.)

c. People in Finland were angry when IKEA named a toilet brush “Viren” also happening to be the last name of a legendary Finnish runner. Not to mention, it means viruses in German.

d. While “Kimme” may be a name of an IKEA chair, it also means “ass crack” in German.

e. While in Sweden “Jerker” may be a male name, “Farfull” means “speedy,” and “Lessebo” is a name of a town, all these sound funny in English.

f. Though “Sarna” is a name for an IKEA chair, it means “scabies” in Spanish.

g. Though “Hoven” may be a Swedish town and a perfectly fine name for a carpet, in Czech it’s the plural genitive form of the word meaning “shit.”

h. In IKEA “Trampa” is a doormat while it means “crap” in Portuguese and “trap” in Spanish.

28. Marketers of Colegate ran into problems when initially advertising in Latin America as “colgate” translates to “hang yourself” in voseante varieties in Spanish.

29. The slogan for vacuum company Electrolux “Nothing sucks like Electrolux” with very negative connotation in the US.

3o. The logo of German ball bearings company reads FAG.

31. There was once a security firm named Wackenut, named after its founder.

32. In Iceland there is an apartment company named “Fagmenn” (professionals), and there are advertising signs saying “Krap” (promoting slushies).

33. A Korean games company once launched a dictionary video game named “Touch Dic.”

34. There was once London nightclub named “Huje” which means “dicks” in Polish. (And it wasn’t one of those places.)

35. There was once a German auto-parts company named KKK that shares initials with the American racist hate group and a Philippine revolutionary group.

36. A proposed tourism slogan in Ireland was “Come for the Craic.” (And yes, it’s pronounced like crack which is Irish slang for fun but wouldn’t go well with Americans if you’ve seen The Wire or Canadians if you’ve seen Rob Ford.)

37. It’s said there’s a Spanish business named “Servicio de Hosteleria Industrial de Terrassa” (Terrassa’s Industrial Catering Service) which uses the acronym S.H.I.T. in its sign.

38. The animation studio, “Studio Khara” was named after the Greek words for “happiness” and “joy.” It also means “shit” in Arabic.

39. There was an Irish pub in Australia called Pug Mahones which is Irish Gaelic for “Kiss my arse.”

40. An Australian tourist ad saying “Where the bloody hell are you?” was banned in Britain and the US.

The Cinematic Guide to Animal Husbandry

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Of course, everyone loves animals and they are frequently depicted in movies, particularly family films. However, if you’re thinking about getting a pet, don’t use the cinema as your guide. Sometimes you may see a movie in which animals get treated in ways that would be improper in real life, Or else would mean resulting in trips to the vet, arrests in animal abuse, or the sad untimely death of Scruffy. Common examples include feeding an animal something it shouldn’t eat, keeping it in improper conditions, or handling it in a way that would cause it great distress or even damage.  This doesn’t include examples on animal mistreatment shown on purpose. With that I list how to take care of animals, according to the movies.

1. The proper way to take care of goldfish is in a goldfish bowl. (Actually, they don’t live very long in goldfish bowls. You’re better off having it live in an aquarium or an artificial pond like deep water for swimming, lights to bask under, and some form of filtration. Same goes for turtles and other aquatic species.)

2. It’s all right to pick up to pick up an animal by it’s tail. (In regards to most animals, don’t ever do this. Tails are used for balance and aren’t strong enough safely hold an animal’s weight and can cause horrifying damage to its spine. And if it’s a cat or a dog, you might want to run because they hate it. As for lizards, you might not get a hold of it for long since it has a detachable tail. The only exception to this is a mouse but only at the tail’s base.)

3. Pulling a rabbit by the ears or the scruff of its neck won’t bring it any pain. (Oh, yes, it would and may cause the rabbit to squirm or panic. And an animal panicking is never a good thing. Besides, magicians hold up rabbits by the ears because it’s painful.)

4. It’s best to buy two hamsters and have it’s habitat with elaborate chambers so they could exercise and have a buddy. (Of course, there’s the Syrian hamster who’s a loner by nature. Pair two of them of the same sex and one will eventually kill the other. A male-female pair might work but chances are it would lead to the female continuously breeding until she dies of exhaustion. Oh, and this might lead to a “Trouble with Tribbles” meets Lord of the Flies situation as far as offspring are concerned. As with elaborate hamster habitats, you’re better off with a cage since they’re a pain to clean. A single hamster will only choose two or three places for its sleeping place and larder. The rest, it will visit and use as latrines.)

5. Feeding milk to adult mammals won’t bring any harm. (Humans are the only adult mammals capable of digesting milk since it’s the only species to possess a lactose tolerant mutation. Also, this mutation is only restricted to peoples who’ve had domestic cattle longer than recorded history {mostly in Europe and parts of Africa and Asia.} Most mammals lose their ability to digest lactose after weaning and will develop digestive problems if they have too much. With animals like cats, dogs, mice, and rats, it’s best to water it down before giving it to them depending on the breed or species. Yet, it’s not 100% effective. Otherwise they could experience an upset stomach, gas, diarrhea, and vomiting. Also, yogurt, goat’s milk, cheese, and cream are less harmful to cats.)

6. It’s all right to keep a piranha tank without a lid since it won’t jump out of a tank. (When kept as pets, they are notorious for jumping out of the to their deaths. Of course, villains want their enemies to suffer.)

7. Live insects are recommended for iguanas since they’re lizards. Most lizards eat bugs. (Unlike most lizards, iguanas are herbivores so you’re better off giving it leafy greens than insects.)

8. You won’t hurt an animal giving it chocolate. (Don’t ever feed your pet chocolate! This is especially true in dogs and cats {but cats just won’t be interested since they can’t taste sugar}. Humans metabolize theobromine much more quickly and efficiently than most animals. And for most animals, it’s very toxic and potentially fatal, especially dark chocolate. Still, don’t get alarmed if Fido gets a hold of a chocolate chip cookie. It’s the baking bars you have to worry about.)

9. A cat won’t attack you if you hold it from the scruff of its neck. (As long as you support its hind legs at the same time and know what you’re doing. Doing so may upset a cat or even strangle it which may result in it injuring itself or scratches on your face.)

10. Multiple species of fish will survive harmoniously in the same aquarium. (My Uncle Kirk does this but he’s owned fish for years and knows what fish would play well with which. This may be fine with some species, but many don’t thrive well with others. Some are too aggressive to be kept with other species, others don’t have the same tank requirements. Some may be prey for other fish. Many standard-size tanks in movies contain multiple species existing harmoniously that would more likely kill one another in real life. Still, do your research.)

11. Always feed your fish standard fish food once a day. (It’s recommended to feed your fish at least 2-3 small meals daily. Still, there are many pet fish that require a specialized diet especially if their species exist in the wild. You might want to stick to goldfish for they take pellets and don’t require much taking care of {one I brought home from school lived for 4 years.})

12. No harm can come to a pufferfish puffing up since it does this to frighten predators in the wild. (True puffers do this in the wild for scaring predators, but puffing up causes severe stress to the animal and could shorten its lifespan. Also, can seriously injure itself or die doing this.)

13. Since snakes are deaf, it’s okay to be a loud around them. (Snakes can hear just not like most animals do {through their jaws}, and loud noises can cause severe stress in them so heavy metal fans shouldn’t own one.)

14. A frog slipping out a person’s hand will land safely to the ground. (Some frogs can safely land on the ground from a certain distance. However, what you’d most likely hear if drops a frog is a loud SPLAT! followed by an unstoppable cry by a traumatized small child if one’s around. As for the visual, let’s say if you felt like passing out after having to dissect a frog in high school, you don’t want to know.)

15. Always feed your snake live food. (While snakes do swallow their food live in the wild, it’s debatable whether this is humane. However, it’s generally recommended pet snakes should be fed frozen food to the benefit of both animal and owner. Feeding live food is considered dangerous to both snake and owner. On the snake’s, the live prey will still struggle to escape and can cause injury to the animal. For the owners, feeding live food can trigger the snake’s hunting instincts making it more aggressive an more likely to bite. And if the snake is venomous, chances are, you’ll be in the ER and don’t expect the anti-venom to completely restore you, which I talked about in another post. Not to mention, your pet venomous snake can kill you if presented with live food so you should probably stick to frozen there.)

16. A bloated snake is a happy snake. (This is a serious health concern which might require immediate veterinary attention. Feeding a snake too much at one time could rupture its stomach. Snakes can die from overeating. A biweekly frozen rat is plenty.)

17. You can make a carnivorous pet turn vegan or vegetarian. (This can only be pulled off on dogs and only with special supplements and close monitoring. This shouldn’t be tried with a help of a vet. Attempting this obligate carnivores that need proteins found in flesh to survive like cats and ferrets will all ensure the animal’s death by starvation, even if it eats the food. In this case, trying to get an obligate carnivorous pet to go vegan or vegetarian is animal cruelty, which will never be shown on the Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercials. Still, if you’re a veggie who thinks meat is murder even if it’s by housepets that are natural predators, just stick to herbivorous pets. Simple as that. At least with them, you don’t have worry about them going vegan.)

18. Tapping aquarium glass won’t hurt the fish. (Oh, yes it can! Don’t ever do this! You can easily make Sparky and Flounder eligible for a flushing sendoff this way. Sound travels faster through water and glass so while a small glass tap may not be much noise to us, it would certainly be like a sonic boom to them.)

19. Allowing a bird to eat out of your mouth won’t hurt it. (Human saliva is extremely toxic to birds. Besides, you might get pecked in return. Also, this is disgusting.)

20. Cats can survive a large dosage of sleeping pills. (This could kill people, let alone a cat.)

21. Always feed your rabbits lettuce an carrots. (A diet consisting only of these two foods could kill rabbits. Not to mention, lettuce contains a substance highly toxic to rabbits which makes feeding the vegetable like giving a person arsenic. You may want to use both in small quantities. They mostly eat hay and grass. Iceberg lettuce is not good for guinea pigs while romaine is fine while it’s considered junk food to tortoises.)

22. Always bait a mouse trap with cheese. (You’re better off baiting a mouse trap with something a mouse normally eats like grains or nuts. Cheese is too soft for them and will only eat it if starving to death. And by then, your grain supplies would already be depleted for a long time. Best to use peanut butter instead. Yet, rats are a different story when it comes to cheese and cats basically adore it.)

23. It’s perfectly fine to let goats eat garbage ranging from paper, tin cans, and other metal. (Goats may chew on a tin can but will not actually eat it. They may eat paper labels though since it’s mostly organic. Still, this was based on a misinterpetation. Anyone who’s worked with goats will tell you this is bullshit. Not to mention, the Army and a lot of landscaping businesses use goats for lawn maintenance.)

24. You can tame most wild animals and keep them as pets. (Well, only if you’ve raised them as babies. And if successful, they will only be docile around people they know. Still, except for people who work with animals, no one should ever try doing this. Those who try to tame wild animals, may end up getting attacked or possibly killed. Also, expensive to raise, takes a lot of time to housebreak, and isn’t really good for the animal. Sure a pet lion may be cool but not worth the effort.)

25. You can keep a stray wolf-dog hybrid as a house pet. (First generation wolfdogs are notoriously unpredictable and aggressive even with feral dogs. I mean there’s a legitimate reason why Balto didn’t have much socialization with dogs and humans in the first place. As a side note, the real Balto was a trained Husky {maybe even a Malamute} so the movie lied to us.)

26. You can treat any animal like a dog. (No you can’t. Horses are especially seen being treated like this in movies being taught to sit, stay, and everything.)

27. You can make friends with animals by feeding them. (Why the hell do I see signs that say Do Not Feed the Animals? I mean they have these signs for a reason! Besides, feeding them may make things worse for you or your family.)

28. Feral dogs can be trusted around small children. (For God’s sake stray dogs should never be around little kids regardless of breed. Unsocialized dogs are quite dangerous, though easier to tame than never domesticated species as long as you know what you’re doing. Remember, “the dingo ate my baby.”)

29. If you see a wild animal in distress, it’s best to help them since they will repay you. (Depends on the circumstance and on the animal. Also, depends on your expertise with animals. If you’re a park ranger, zookeeper, or vet, then be my guest. If you don’t know whether you should, just leave it be. A wounded animal can be just as hostile as a healthy one. If it’s frothing at the mouth, just don’t go there since it may mean rabies. Still, be aware results may vary.)

3o. You can get woodland creatures to be your servants and do your chores. (Sorry, Disney, but wild animals don’t work that way and are more likely to make a mess indoors.)

Thoughts of Black Friday and Its Business Practices

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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One of the things I detest about the holidays is how stores turn a once sacred holiday celebrating the birth of Christ into the biggest excuse for excessive consumerism and profit. Already I’m seeing Christmas commercials on TV and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. And by this time, the only Christmas things I want to see are light up nights and school band kids practicing for Christmas concerts and parades. Also, bands practicing Christmas music in general. At least bands have a legitimate excuse to play Christmas music at this time of year. Still, once Thanksgiving rolls around, the Christmas Commercial Armageddon will be upon us and all hell will break lose.

Now in America, the Christmas season officially kicks off the Friday after Thanksgiving called Black Friday. Black Friday is said to be one of the biggest shopping days in the United States during the year and a business day when it’s all or nothing. A business not making a profit on Black Friday is one that won’t last much longer. Many Americans do their Christmas shopping on this day as well as trying to look for the best bargains for the latest gifts. And sometimes things can get pretty crazy with each store becoming as chaotic as a battle zone with every man for himself. I’m starting to wonder whether any Black Friday shoppers are among the craziest or most materialistic. I’m not trying to stereotype here since I guess every Black Friday shopper has their reasons for Christmas shopping on that day. I understand if some just want to get their shopping out of the way or can’t do it at any other time during the season. I understand those shopping on Black Friday for some last minute preparations for their family hunting trip during the weekend since deer hunting season starts that Monday in Pennsylvania. And growing up in Pennsylvania at least the start of deer hunting season gave me a day off from school. Yet, at least these people are planning to spend time with their family, even if it’s shooting Bambi. Of course, these two groups of Black Friday shoppers I have no problem with since they are pretty sane and have legitimate reasons.

Then you got your third type of Black Friday shopper who spends Thanksgiving night camping out in the parking lot of the mall or a big box store and scrambling into the place as soon as it opens at the crack of dawn. Now I may think camping in a store parking lot may be all right on a night the next Harry Potter book comes out. I’m not sure about spending Thanksgiving night in a tent at Wal Mart parking lot. I mean aren’t there plenty of other things to do on Thanksgiving night like spending time with your family. Is getting your kid the latest Xbox worth spending a cold dark night on the icy pavement? To me, lining up at 4 a.m. to shop to me seems ridiculous. To me, shopping is something you do to function or survive in a society. It’s not always fun and certainly not worth camping out at the crack of dawn for. Yet, for this group of people, shopping is a sport and Black Friday is their Super Bowl. They love the crowds, loud music, garish displays, and competitive atmosphere, all of which such shoppers see as a heaven. For me, this atmosphere is a personal hell hole since it consists of everything I hate about the holidays and why I avoid shopping on Black Friday like the plague. I can’t stand jammed packed stores filled with frenzied nuts shopping for the best deals and having fists fights break out over certain products. If I was working that day, I’d be thinking: Oh, God, please get me out of this nightmare! I can’t imagine how any retail employees ever manage to function normally with such unruly mobs creating a mess of things in their stores. Must drive anyone insane.

Of course, there have been reports of Black Friday shoppers doing strange things they wouldn’t normally do on other shopping days. There have been instances of violence in recent years ranging from unruly crowds stampeding employees, assault, shooting, stabbing, carrying weapons, and such. There have even been instances when people were killed, arrested, and rushed to the hospital. Sometimes police were called since employees couldn’t handle such ruckus. And for what? Over an Xbox? Parking Space? Seriously, I wonder how Christmas shopping can ever come to this. Maybe such shopping day simulates a customer’s insatiable desire to consume can bring out shopping rage turning your neighborhood Wal Mart into a scene from movies like Apocalypse Now, All Quiet on the Western Front, and Saving Private Ryan. Well, maybe not to that degree but pretty close. It’s said that dozens of people are injured each year by crazed crowds too eager for popular items. These range from bruises, sprained ankles, broken bones, and concussions. A good deal in a crowded store can turn the place into a mob scene with shoppers breaking into fights.

You think that retail giants would try to put a stop to this incendiary behavior but I’m so sure if you look at their business practices. And from what I see, these stores seem to encourage it since it causes such shoppers to overspend on cheap plastic crap made in China. Oh, I mean the cheaper plastic crap made in China. Retail giants have designed Black Friday in ways to put a shopper’s rational thinking out the window. Because when reason is out the window, people have a tendency to overspend and buy any kind of crap just because of a lower price tag. And if supplies are low, then customer turnout all the better. And even though Black Friday sales have been on the decline, retail giants continue to encourage such madness since it gives them publicity. Now many big stores are following Wal Mart’s suit and starting their big opening Christmas sale on Thanksgiving night. For me, such action gives me two questions. For one, who the hell shops on Thanksgiving night? And, seriously, is this all Thanksgiving is coming to? Besides, I don’t think retail workers would want to work on Thanksgiving, especially if they’ve been preparing the dinner. I mean they’re the ones losing family time to the unquenchable thirst of greed and consumer goods. And for many, Thanksgiving is one of the few days when they can sit back and relax since some retail employees work on weekends and not at good wages (except at Costco). Sure the Christmas season may be shorter than usual but sometimes I think the holiday rush seems to come earlier year after year with Christmas ads airing as early as September, which is way too soon. As far as I’m concerned, I think businesses need to clamp down on their holiday enterprising and put less emphasis on the rampant consumerism aspect. Instead, perhaps we need to see the holidays as a way of getting together with loved ones or just relax. Besides, everyone needs a holiday and you get better bargains in mid-December anyway.

The Cinematic Guide to Law

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Ah, the law, what would we be without it? Of course, the rule of law has the power to either put criminals in or let them go free. May not always be fair but tries to be. Now I’ve never been in a courtroom (though I’ve been in the Pennsylvania State House for a quiz bowl tournament), nor served on a jury. It may not always work out in the way we want it to but it always tries to be fair even if those working in it don’t seem to be so. Still, it is a very tricky subject since laws are different from certain jurisdictions. Yet, we should all know it doesn’t work like it does in Hollywood movies. And I’ve seen plenty of movies based in a courtroom and pertaining to crime since law and crime both go together. So before you can raise any objections, Allow me to list the inconsistencies (for this, I’m going to use US Law unless otherwise):

1. Almost every legal system and court procedure is basically similar in every developed country. (In Hollywood, being in a courtroom in a foreign country is like attending Catholic Mass. Sure there may be some small differences like a powdered wig and different language, but is mostly conducted in the same formula like in a Catholic Mass. Of course, in the legal arena, most movie court procedures and legal systems in developed nations work in the same way as they do in the United States. Actually, this is really not the case. For instance, you don’t have the right to remain silent in England, you don’t have a right to be tried by a jury in the UK, and you didn’t have the right to be legally represented during questioning in France before 2011. Also, British judges don’t use gavels, German attorneys don’t say “Objection!”, and very few countries outside the US use plea bargaining.)

2. Litigations usually take days and most of it happens in court. (Real litigation takes months and almost none of it happens in court. In fact, it’s preferable if most legal disputes are settled out of court and most guilty parties take a plea bargain. Court proceedings are best to be avoided because it costs money and used as a last resort.)

3. Bail is an easy way to skip a future trial and possible sentencing. (Hollywood tends to treat bail as a Get Out of Jail Fee option. It’s actually not quite the case. When an accused is released on bail, he or she is making a promise to show up for trial and won’t go to jail unless convicted. Those who can’t pay bail will remain in prison until trial. Those demonstrated as likely to flee the court are denied bail and will stay in prison until trial.)

4. All prisoners are convicted criminals. (Well, we may think that way, but it’s not exactly the case. Of course, all prisoners are in there on something related to a crime but not all are convicted for it. Sure many prisoners were convicted of crimes but many prisoners in the United States basically plead guilty and took a plea bargain sentence.Then there are some prisoners who are in jail just for being accused of a crime and are waiting for their case to be tried, which could take years. Of course, this group of prisoners weren’t released on bail simply because they couldn’t make it or it was denied. Then there are kids in juvenile detention who are in there because they were wards of the state and had no other place to go.)

5. Criminal proceedings start almost immediately after the suspect’s arrest. (Actually, other than bail and plea bargaining, most criminal proceedings don’t usually start until months after the arrest, sometimes years.People have spent years in jail awaiting trial.)

6. In murder investigations usually have a chalk outline of the victim’s body at a crime scene. (Sorry, Jerry Seinfeld, but chalk outline guy doesn’t exist. Using chalk could contaminate the area, making the investigation much more difficult. And investigators want as little contamination as possible. Besides, there are photographers who take pictures of the crime scene before the body is carried to the coroner’s office.)

7. Most lawyers work in both civil and criminal cases, with latter doing both prosecution and defense. (Actually there are many lawyers that do like Johnny Cochrane but most small towns have at least one lawyer who does one and/or the other but usually at small stakes like what Atticus Finch does. Yet, if such cases involve serious crimes or large sums of money, they usually go to someone who specializes in that area. And most US jurisdictions usually have prosecutors working for the state.)

8. The accused has a right to one phone call upon arrest to anyone at all. (If you are arrested and are guaranteed access to legal counsel, any outside communication is a privilege that can be witheld or given. However, most police officers allow suspects make as many phone calls as they like to whoever they please since such conversations can be recorded as evidence.)

9. Police can do a strip or deep cavity search on anyone. (These procedures are only reserved for people with reasonable suspicion of smuggling either drugs or weapons and are limited to such.)

10. Old people can be involuntarily committed to a retirement home for whacking a guy over the head with a cane who was struggling with him over his mailbox. (For one, involuntary commitment to a retirement home is something only a person’s next of kin can do. Since Carl from Up has no next to kin to speak of, he probably wouldn’t be sent to a retirement home unless if it was by his own accord. In fact, this would more likely happen to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino since he has two sons and four grandchildren. Could be prosecuted or sued for assault but probably wouldn’t be. Second, tampering with a mailbox is a federal crime.)

11. When wrongfully accused or convicted of a crime, it’s okay to go on the lam until you’re exonerated. Even though you may commit other crimes along the way, all will be forgiven. (You should never go on the lam if wrongfully accused of a crime. No should you go around committing other crimes prior to exoneration either because they may come back to bite you. Also, Harrison Ford could’ve just gotten a better defense attorney and should’ve least gotten off on his wife’s phone call alone which pretty much exonerates him from the crime.)

12. You won’t be charged with killing someone if you were falsely convicted for his or her murder before. (Actually killing that person will result in getting your previous conviction reversed and then eligible for prosecution on a new murder charge. So, Ashley Judd, hunting your husband down in another city and killing him there isn’t really a good idea, especially if you’re on parole. Also, it doesn’t help if you commit burglary, theft, destruction of property, escape from custody, assault on a law enforcement officer, unlicensed possession of a firearm, transporting an unlicensed weapon across state lines, and assault with intent to kill. Man, you should’ve sought your husband out with his picture and a camera just to prove that he’s still alive. Yet, you ended up screwing your chances.)

13. It is easy to convict an innocent person and might have to serve a harsh sentence even if it’s for a legitimate but otherwise minor offense. (Sure innocent people do get wrongfully convicted but not at the frequency in Hollywood movies. And even if an innocent person is convicted on some minor offense, he or she will not serve a harsh sentence.  If there’s an incident where there is a massive railroading of innocent people in the legal system, then the authorities will start getting suspicious of judicial corruption akin to the “Cash for Kids” scandal. Racism can also play a factor.)

14. A ruthless criminal can be released on a meaningless bureaucratic procedure slip up despite being proven absolutely guilty of the heinous crime in question. (Well, not as often as many would think. A ruthless criminal will not get off on a “technicality” which will typically be overruled as a harmless error anyway like a spelling mistake. Yet, it is possible for a criminal to be let off on “loopholes” regarding serious policy concerns such as sloppy police work, vague legal definitions, or serious rights violations by police and prosecutors. Then there are some exceptions such as the “good faith exception” {police believing they were operating legally despite illegally obtaining evidence}, independent source {police discovered the same evidence through other legal means}, or inevitable discovery {police would’ve found the evidence legally anyway so it’s left in}. So a ruthless serial killer would be less likely to escape justice in real life than Hollywood would suggest. As for white collar criminals, well, they’ll probably get off due to having money for a good lawyer.)

15. Witnesses are called from the courtroom audience to the stand. (Witnesses aren’t permitted to attend the trial or even talk to other witnesses about the case before they testify. Witnesses can only sit in for the rest of the trial after they finish their testimony and it’s agreed they will not be called back. Calling a prosecutor to the stand is possible if a judge allows it but is almost never done.)

16. You can walk out of the courtroom free if your insanity defense works. (Unless it’s temporary insanity, you’ll probably walk out of court accompanied by a couple of burly orderlies of a mental institution. Whether you walk out free is at the discretion of a psychologist or psychiatrist. Only used less than 1% of all criminal case in the US and successful 25% of the time more or less. Also, in 20 states and under US Federal law getting off on insanity may mean prison time if “cured” of mental illness. And those who get off on insanity your time in a mental institution may be longer (like twice as long) than your normal sentence would be nor is it more comfortable or safer than prison. Those deemed criminally insane will be separated from everyone else, and no, they aren’t easier to break out of. So unless you’re facing the death penalty in a murder case, it’s not worth it. Now I can see why so many mentally ill people wind up in prison.)

17. Not having a motive proves your innocence and no longer makes you a suspect. (Only lawyers and jurors care about motive since it may have importance in sentencing or at if the crime was done in intent or by accident. However, to criminal investigators, motive is of minimal importance.)

18. Wrongful conviction can get you out of jail as long as you’re looking for the people who successfully framed you. (You’d be in jail and besides motives aren’t very relevant in the legal system. At best, you’d probably be serving a lesser sentence of involuntary manslaughter if convicted for murder.)

19. The reading of the will always happens after the funeral. (That usually doesn’t happen. Rather, the executor, spouse, or next of kin usually calls the deceased’s lawyer to see about the will. The lawyer and executor meet and take the will through probate court. Unless you’re a beneficiary wanting to see it, the lawyer, or the executor, you’ll probably never see it. As a beneficiary, you might receive a check, be told it’s your inheritance, and sign a receipt. Also, the will doesn’t really mean a great deal as the probate does. And if a will’s contested, it’ll probably be ignored so don’t hesitate to kill anyone over it even if you’re disinherited for “reasons you’re aware of.”)

20. You’ll be read your Miranda Rights when you’re arrested. (Actually, they can be read between the time you’re arrested and the time you’re interrogated, depending on crime or jurisdiction. Not to mention, it doesn’t get you out of providing a DNA sample.)

21. If a wrongly accused defendant is on trial, it’s very likely a witness may have actually done the crime. (Only a slim percentage of felonies make it to trial and the pre-trial process takes years. Also, if a witness actually did the crime, it’s exceptionally rare in a trail case and would’ve been found out by investigators long before the case ever made it to trial in the first place. Not to mention, the defense doesn’t really need to find the “real culprit” to win, just establish reasonable doubt. Still, criminal accomplices frequently turn on each other for reduced sentencing so they can testify against the defendant.)

22. Only a guilty person will ask for an attorney or call for his or her own. (You are always entitled to legal counsel regardless of whether you committed the crime and wanting a lawyer doesn’t make you guilty by default. Any sane person accused of a crime would do this.)

23. Acceptable courtroom behavior for lawyers: badgering witnesses, accusing witnesses, asking questions regardless whether the previous ones are answered, make inflammatory assumptions facts aren’t in evidence, introducing conspiracy theories, bullying a witness into confession, turning a courtroom into a circus, enter a plea change without the client’s consent, and other courtroom antics. (Many of these can put a lawyer in contempt of court, removal from case, or possibly disbarred. Also, may cause the judge to declare a mistrial. Not to mention, judges usually have different levels of tolerance so any smart lawyer would know what he or she could get away with when it comes to a particular judge.)

24. Accepted behavior for criminal investigators: using enhanced interrogation methods on suspects, destroying property to obtain information, badgering and verbally abusing suspects, psychologically manipulating suspects into confession, assuming a suspect’s guilt without a concrete reason, denying medical attention and legal counsel to suspects, and other things. (These are reasons why the law is used to protect criminals. Also, many of these are technically illegal and can result in a cop being kicked off the force.)

25. Evidence or testimony exonerating or condemning the defendant can be introduced to the trial at the last minute. (This can happen but rarely does. Still, both sides must make available all evidence they tend to use before the trial {except in the case of the defense which is actively barred from sharing possibly incriminating evidence}. Still, all witnesses and evidence must be approved by the court before used. In civil suits, both sides must turn over properly requested evidence without exception.)

26. It’s all right for a jury or judge to exonerate a defendant if accused of breaking a law that sucks or is just plain unfair or unjust. (Jury nullification is perjury which jurors have sworn against. They are sworn to reach a verdict according to existing laws. Not to mention, this undermines the separation of powers since judging the laws is the legislature or Congress’s job. Not that they’re good at it anyway these days.)

27. You can sue a firearms manufacturer for criminal misuse of their products. (Thanks to Congress, this isn’t currently possible. Still, doesn’t mean it should. But then again using guns to kill is kind of the point.)

28. Mistreatment of a suspect results in automatic acquittal, regardless of undeniable evidence. (It doesn’t. Coerced confessions are just excluded from evidence but the suspect can still be tried on what’s admissible.)

29. Income tax evasion is a state crime. (It’s a federal crime. Anyone who’s taken a social studies course would know that.)

30. Polygraph testimony can be used as admissible evidence. (It can’t, because people have passed polygraph tests despite lying while others failed despite telling the truth. In short, it’s not reliable.)

31. Police interrogations last as long as a therapy session. (They can last for hours or days and aren’t really that exciting since they involve a boring question and answer session in an attempt to wear the suspect down. Aggressive tactics are rarely used.)

32. Good defense lawyers only defend innocent clients. (They also defend guilty ones, too. Part of the job. Prosecutors go after any defendant regardless of guilt or innocence because that’s the job description.)

33. A member of a jury can conduct his or her own investigation and bringing a weapon into the jury room. (These are examples of serious juror misconduct. Juror #8 should’ve been replaced and charged.)

34. Only white men served on a US jury between 1920 and 1970. (Only in some parts of the country like in the South. Still, there are more diverse juries in Old Hollywood movies. Maybe 12 Angry Men had something to do with this.)

35. The system is useless in protecting victims of society. (Sometimes but Hollywood mostly exaggerates this.)

36. A judge can simply order a jury switch without the parties’ consent during a trial. (No judge can call a jury the parties’ didn’t select before the trial. If the jury falls to corruption, the judge can simply declare a mistrial and the process starts all over again.)

37. Cops can threaten to use lethal force against suspects. (This is mostly forbidden in most police departments. Not to mention, a cop shooting anyone in the line of duty results in suspension and internal affairs investigation.)

38. Frivolous lawsuits are almost always brought to court. (Most frivolous lawsuits are simply thrown out of court. Also, when suit is filed, lawyers have to make reasonable inquiries before pursuit. As for frivolous lawsuits, don’t use the one about the old lady who burned herself after spilling coffee at McDonald’s, she actually did have reasonable clout to sue.)

39. Making a citizen’s arrest is illegal. (Actually it is but like acting as your own attorney, not highly recommended.)

40. Executions happen right after the judge imposes death sentence. (Most convicts on death row stay there for years, perhaps decades. Also, many of them try to commute their sentence to life in prison through the appeals process which takes years and costs millions of taxpayer money. Many people oppose the death penalty on the basis that letting a criminal spend life in prison is actually cheaper than executing one.)

41. A lawyer using “disregard that statement” is only being polite when the opposing attorney objects. (Saying this might cause a lawyer to get disbarred.)

42. You can be put in jail for killing someone in self-defense. (Well, unjustifiably, but if self defense is proven, you get off on justifiable homicide or on “shoot first” laws if it involves a firearm and firing first, unfortunately. God, Zimmerman should’ve went to jail for manslaughter at least and shouldn’t have been allowed to own a gun {I mean he’s had previous run ins with cops and a domestic restraining order}. Yet, you can go to jail for firing a warning shot at an attacker, since it counts use of deadly force even if you didn’t intend to hit him or her. And not intending to hit the person is considered evidence you didn’t actually fear for your life. So if Zimmerman fired at Trayvon Martin and missed, he’d be in jail. Shit.)

43. Restraining orders are either ineffective or nonexistent. (They do exist and do work. A legal order for a person to stay away or face arrest is pretty effective. Still, why women in movies don’t file restraining orders against their abusive husbands is beyond me.)

44. You won’t get punished for taking the law into your own hands if the notorious criminal who wronged you goes free. (Uh, yes, you can and you probably will. In the real world, two wrongs don’t make a right.)

45. No one can testify for or against their spouse accused of a crime. (Spouses actually could if they wish to do so. They just can’t be forced to, as a spousal privilege, even if the couple later divorce. In other words, spouses can testify but they can’t be subpoenaed in cases involving his or her partner. Still, spousal privileged is suspended if both partners are on opposite sides.)