The Wonderful World of Sand Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 17, 2014

Summer is a time of year where many people tend to travel great length to go to the beach. Of course, many kids tend to build sandcastles with their sand toys and such. Yet, while some of them may be quite good, there are some adults who tend to take this to an art form. Sometimes they don’t even build castles since such subject matter is kids’ stuff. Nevertheless, this post is about the kind of sand sculpture that would put a lot of little kids to shame if they ever viewed their creations as having any serious artistic merit. Of course, most little kids don’t take their creations too seriously but that’s beside the point. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of sand sculptures by a lot of artists who actually did take their sand castles seriously as young kids.

1. Why make a sandcastle when you can create a whole sand city skyline?

Of course, I’m not sure what city or if a any urban entity has such skyline. Yet, I have to admit it’s better city than what I could’ve created.

2. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the abode of Poseidon.

I almost thought this was a sand sculpture of Zeus on Mount Olympus until I noticed the fish. Of course, you don’t want to mess with Poseidon either since he’s also the god of earthquakes.

3, Of course, you can’t exclude a sand sculpture of the Bard himself.

For those who don’t know that is a donkey’s head for Bottom from A Midsummer’s Nights Dream. It’s not a prop for The Godfather, which is nowhere near a Shakespearean comedy.

4. Of course, nobody can’t skip a sand sculpture rendition of the Wallace and Gromit classic The Wrong Trousers.

Of course, the moral of The Wrong Trousers is never trust mysterious anthropomorphic penguins, especially if it wears a rubber red glove to disguise itself as a chicken.

5. A Star Trek sand sculpture can go to where sand sculpture has never gone before.

Still, this doesn’t stop Spock from thinking that sand artwork is highly illogical. Of course, he thinks a lot of things are illogical.

6. Go to the beach and see Batman fight the Hulk.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a fight between Batman and the Hulk would make an exciting movie. I mean I’m sure Batman would somehow end up in the ICU with a full body cast once the Hulk is done with him.

7. We’ll always have a sand sculpture of Hollywood.

Of course, this is a sand sculpture of the climatic scene in Casablanca when Ilsa goes on that plane. Still, “Here’s looking at you kid.”

8. Yet, no sand sculpture gallery would be complete without a rendition of Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick.

Of course, this is the scene when Moby Dick takes down Captain Ahab which kind of serves the bastard right. After all, Moby Dick wasn’t nearly as obsessed with meeting Ahab as Ahab was meeting him.

9. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you a sand sculpture of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Of course, contrary to the map, Jack Sparrow is a pirate from the Caribbean, not Boston. Yet, the artist did a hell of a job since it almost resembles the real thing.

10. I’m sure a giant Gollum still hasn’t gotten over losing his precious.

“We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious.” Still, very artistically done but might frighten the kids.

11. See Leonardo Da Vinci draw his Virtruvian Man on the beach.

Of course, the reason we could tell it’s Da Vinci and not an old man rising from the sand has more to do with the Virtruvian Man’s inclusion.

12. Of course, you have to include a sand sculpture of Darth Vader though he may be on the dark side of the Force.

Still, Darth Vader tends to be a popular subject among sand sculptors for some reason. Maybe it’s due to him being such an iconic bad guy.

13. For you Canadians, here’s the sand sculpture for you.

Still, I’m not sure if a sand sculpture for Canada is appropriate since I’m sure the country isn’t known for its beaches. I think a snow sculpture would be more suitable.

14. Why make a sand castle when you can make a bunch of sand dinosaurs fighting each other?

Of course, I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near those Tyrannosaurs. Still, I’m sure letting your kids playing around dinosaurs isn’t very responsible parental behavior even if T-rexes are awesome.

15. See a rendition of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Of course, I’m sure icy water is easier to navigate through than sand. Yet, I can see Lincoln in the background for some reason.

16. See a sand sculpture involving a Pope and a winged lion.

Of course, I’m sure the Pope in the original picture just had himself put in a portrait with a winged lion to make himself seem more badass. At least I think the guy in the sculpture’s a pope.

17. Here is a sand sculpture depicting the birth of Aphrodite rising from the sea in a clam shell.

That is, it’s actually only one of the ways Aphrodite was born in Greek Mythology. Still, in this version of her birth, she didn’t necessarily rise out of a clam shell. It actually out of another god’s genitals cut off during a family dispute.

18. Dr. Sigmund Freud sometimes likes to psychoanalyze his patients at the beach.

Of course, what you don’t want to hear from Dr. Freud are his psychological evaluations of Greek mythological characters. Please, don’t ask.

19. Let’s see if this Lord of the Rings sand sculpture is the one to rule them all.

Of course,this sculpture only has Gollum, Gandalf, and Frodo Baggins since doing a sand sculpture of the Fellowship would’ve taken up the whole beach.

20. See a sand sculpture of Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid.

And here’s Jackie Coogan playing the adorable little boy way before he played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Yes, Uncle Fester was once a cute little boy.

21. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels.

Of course, many would be creeped out by the idea of being tied down on a beach by tiny people while sleeping. I mean this is what most people remember from those stories.

22. And now a sand sculpture of King Trident’s castle.

I don’t know about you but I think Poseidon’s domain was way cooler for some reason. Still, right on though.

23. Why have a sand castle while you can create a sand dragon?

I’m sure the woman in the sculpture knows what I’m talking about. Though I’d be worry about her since dragons aren’t really that nice.

24. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Of course, I’m not sure if it’s either Mayan or Aztec. Then again, it almost resembles what would be found at a real site.

25. Of course, you can’t leave the beach until you’ve seen a sand sculpture depicting the Last Supper.

Still, despite being very close to the tide, this is actually quite good. Too bad it will be washed away though.

26. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The reason why I know this is because of Dobby’s presence and Ron’s broken wand. However, what I have to ask is where’s Harry Potter in this?

27. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the sand sculpture rendition of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, if you see a rendition of the Taj Mahal, you’ll get the idea of India. Yet, you need to hear the story behind it.

28. And here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Jurassic Park.

So the moral of this movie is that cloning dinosaurs for tourism is a very bad idea. Reason is demonstrated here.

29. Now here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Noah’s Ark.

Of course if it weren’t for the ark in the background, you would’ve assumed it was a take off on the creatures of Africa.

30. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican pyramid temple.

Of course, if you want to know if it’s Mayan or Aztec, see who gets sacrificed there. Mayans take nobles while Aztecs take anyone they captured. Also, if it’s a temple to Quetzalcoatl, no humans will be sacrificed there at all.

31. Now here is a giant sand sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, I’m sure spending a lot of time creating this statue isn’t really an enlightened activity to some people.

32. Here is a sandy rendition of the Syndey Opera House.

Of course, this is probably one of the more famous buildings in Australia if you know what I mean.

33. Finally, a sand sculpture tribute to the Harry Potter series.

At least this one has Harry and a lot of the major characters as well as Hogwarts itself. Then again, where’s Dumbledore and Hagrid?

34. To remember our troops, here is a sand sculpture of the famous photo from Iwo Jima.

Of course, if you’ve seen Flags of Our Fathers, what happened to the guys in the photo wasn’t pretty. This is particularly with Ira Hayes.

35. Here’s a sand sculpture of a rock star having a good old time.

Nevertheless, the song he played was “Enter the Sandman.” Get it?

36. A great sand sculpture dedication of Mount Rushmore.

Of course, it has the rare distinction of being one of America’s most iconic monuments while still managing to offend the Native Americans living near it.

37. Here is a sand sculpture of Michelangelo’s Pieta.

Of course, it’s not quite like the Michelangelo sculpture but it’ll have to do for this beach. Also, pretty close to the tide.

38. And now, a sand sculpture rendition of the Great Sphnix.

Still, don’t know whatever happened to his nose. Probably had something to do with erosion or something.

39. Here is a sand sculpture of Romeo and Juliet.

“Uh, Romeo, she’s not dead honestly. And, Juliet, just wake up already before he poisons himself already!” Seriously how can we view two teenagers making such rash decisions due to raging hormones as romantic?

40. Finally a sand monument to Walt and Mickey in sand.

On second thought, we have to accept that Walt Disney was kind of a scheming bastard while Mickey can be quite creepy.

41. And now to commemorate the Rio Olympics, here’s a sand sculpture of Rio de Janiero’s Christ the Redeemer.

Of course, I would’ve done this post during the World Cup but I was busy with other things at the time.

42. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the Beatles.

Paul: “What’s the matter with him?”
John: “Don’t know. Probably come down with a bad case of Bieber Fever.”

43. May I present to you, Harley Davidson’s wild hogs.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don't crash and end up crsipy bacon.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don’t crash, burn and end up crsipy bacon.

44. Of course, you have to have a sand sculpture of the Ten Commandments.

Of course, you can follow the Ten Commandments to the letter all your life and still be a shitty person. Also, I’m not posting this as a statement of religion. It’s just for artistic merit. By the way, these aren’t the Ten Commandments I learned in religion class anyway.

45. And now, a sand sculpture of the Greek gods on Mount Olympus.

Of course, in the world of mythology, this bunch is one of the most powerful jerks you’ll ever meet, especially Zeus. I mean most of the problems in Greek mythology are caused by Zeus not being able to keep it in his pants.

46. Of course, this castle has seen better days.

Yet, it’s still much more amazing than a sand castle that I could ever build.

47. There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

Of course, contrary to the nursery rhyme all her children had gone by now. And she’s basically living in it with her cat.

48. Man, I wonder if there could be a place like this in real life.

Nevertheless, this sand sculpture design is rather impressive. I sure couldn’t do that.

49. And now a sand sculpture of Marilyn Monroe from The Seven Year Itch.

Of course, this image was on a lot young men’s bedroom walls in the 1950s, though considered risque at the time.

50. Finally, a sand sculpture of the Statue of Liberty.

She seems more lively than the real thing in New York Harbor. Then again, she doesn’t get much leeway in metal though.

The Wonderful World of Lawn Ornaments

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 28, 2014

Of course, lawn ornaments have always been a tacky mainstay in many gardens. Whether it be gnomes, flamingos, Virgin Mary grottoes, and what not, you’ve seen them on a roadside once in a while. Some of you may have a few yourself which you like to show off to the neighbors or onlookers. Sure many of us can have the urge to decorate our lawns and gardens with certain statues and artworks which sometimes don’t go well with the landscape. I could talk about all the kitschy lawn ornaments I’ve seen over the internet but you probably would’ve found it boring and wouldn’t have much interest in this post. In fact, there are people who have lawn ornaments that even defy the conventional pink flamingo ornaments you see in the leading picture. And since I was tied up with doing movie history posts back in the spring, now’s the best time as any. So without further adieu, here are some of the tackiest lawn ornaments ever to grace any garden or lawn.

1. For the beachfront garden, here’s a wooden pictures of two kids in swimsuits.

Yet, I’m not sure if these kids in swimsuits would be appropriate in a more inland setting with trees. After all, they seem a bit too happy by a realistic standpoint.

2. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, Zombie Gnome.

Of course, with the popularity of The Walking Dead, we have to have zombie versions of everything. Of course, this gnome won’t be a danger to your brains due to its size but to other gnomes, well, God help them.

3. How about a whale fountain that spurts out water from its mouth?

This whale seems rather happy for being way outside its natural environment for some reason. Of course, it’s made from metal but still.

4. Of course, for those who have a thing for the Old South, here’s a black boy ornament sitting on a ledge.

I have an uncle who has an ornament similar to this. Of course, it was more racist looking than this, but it still made me cringe. Still, you wouldn’t want this figure in a predominantly black neighborhood. Sorry, NAACP.

5. If you’re into frogs, here some in sexually suggestive poses.

Of course, the only thing saving these animals from being inappropriate is the fact that frogs don’t have mammary glands. Yet, you can tell that whoever designed these figures probably kept a secret Playboy stash during his high school years.

6. For those who like frogs, here’s a glow in the dark one to light your garden.

Now if I saw a real frog glowing in the dark in my yard, I’d freak out like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously frogs don’t glow in the dark.

7. Nothing makes a great lawn sculpture than a tiger on a chain.

I just hope that whoever owns this doesn’t have neighbors in PETA, ASPCA or the Humane Society. In fact, let’s hope that this person isn’t living anywhere near anyone active in animal rights because a tiger chained at the neck has some rather unfortunate implications.

8. For cow lovers, here’s a red one in a dress.

As to why anyone would want a red cow with a dress on is beyond me. I mean real cows don’t wear dresses and aren’t that bright red. Still, doesn’t emanate a great artistic taste of the owner who probably spent a lot of money on it.

9. For gnome lovers, here’s one with a blowtorch.

I’m sure Garden gnome Sherman has endured enough strain from being viewed as a conventional tacky lawn ornament and is now proceeding to burn the garden down in a blaze of glory.

10. Of course, if you’re into torture porn here’s a lawn ornament with two guys squeezing a happy naked woman skinny.

Seriously, why put this in your lawn? Whoever sees this as an appropriate garden decoration ought to have his head examined. This isn’t funny but rather very disturbing indeed with human rights abuses on top of that. Also, is she bleeding?

11. Well, this seems cute. A boy helping a girl get a drink at a little fountain.

Well, at least I hope it is because there seems to be an inappropriate connotation here which is rather unsettling. I don’t want to be wring here but the boy seems to enjoy himself a little too much while helping a girl with a drink.

12. Of course, for rabbit lovers, here’s a cute little statue for your garden.

Actually if you have kids, don’t even think about getting this because it’s rather inappropriate. After all, remember the expression, “breeding like rabbits” mean. You probably could see plenty of this in your back yard so there’s no reason to get such statue.

13. For the person sick of having to clean up after the neighborhood pooches, here’s the perfect sign.

I’m sure a No Dumping! sign with a dog pooping is going to deter the neighborhood dogs from doing their business in your flower garden. Actually it’s not going to do a damn thing since dogs will go anywhere they damn well please. In fact, this sign may backfire as far as the animals are concerned.

14. If you’re British and want to show your love for Queen and country, here’s a couple of large stone heads of Her Majesty and Prince Consort.

Now nothing depicts Great Britain as a nation of gardening fanatics than having Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip being depicted as a couple of giant Chia heads created by people who probably have too much time on their hands. Seriously, this is just so over the top if you know what I mean yet the Queen does have a lot of nice flowers in her hair.

15. Nothing says a great birth announcement, than a lawn sign bringing the neighbors close to the scene.

Now I don’t know about you, but this is just a pretty tasteless sign. Perhaps it’s best to announce to the neighbors with conventional signs reading “It’s a boy!” or It’s a girl!” Guess this proud new dad seemed to have too much time on his hands.

16. What better gnome to have in your yard than one that glows in the dark.

Now this doesn’t seem to look like a glow in the dark gnome than it does, well, let’s say a glow in a dark something else. Let’s say that Sigmund Freud may have a field day with whoever designed this.

17. Nothing makes a great garden decoration than a bronze statue of Bigfoot

Of course, if your statue of Sasquatch proves a draw on Discovery Channel’s Finding Bigfoot, don’t be surprised. Of course, there’s probably enough evidence that Bigfoot probably doesn’t exist in the first place.

18. Of course, nothing brings the spirit of summer than a black statue eating watermelon.

Blackface depiction of black people is considered racist in the United States. And seeing them with watermelon just adds further insult to injury that would make the NAACP shriek in horror. Once again, sorry NAACP, but I can’t see how anyone not racist would want to buy this.

19. Of course, here’s a Mexican figure with his burro.

The fact this statue is placed near a metal linked fence is rather suggestive of another negative stereotype on Mexicans, especially in this day in age. Sometimes placement is everything.

20. For those who don’t know what to do with their old toilet, how about retrofit it into a new planter in your garden.

Excuse me, but we need to admit that toilets make aesthetically tacky planters for your garden. Seriously, even this owner knows this and even adds on to it.

21. Nothing brings in the baseball season like a Mexican guy with a baseball.

And how do I know he’s Mexican? Well, he has a sombrero and a bandanna around his neck. Then again, baseball is a popular sport among the Latino and Latin American community. However, the most negative stereotypical thing about this is that it makes the mistaken assumption is that all Hispanics in the US are Mexicans.

22. Here’s a gnome showing the world where the sun don’t shine.

Of course, this lawn ornament makes an addition to the long series of Gnomes behaving badly. Also, if I saw any guy with a white beard, there’s no way in hell I’d want to see what his backside looks like and gnomes are no exception.

23. Nothing makes a more idyllic lawn ornament than a free standing deer.

Now I have neighbors who have free standing deer like this but they aren’t really used for decoration. In fact, they’re used for target practice for hunting season. Also, if there are deer around during mating season, there’s a chance they may mistake this ornament for the real thing.

24. Now here’s a great garden statue that shows the spirit of togetherness.

Is it just me or does this statue seem to depict something very, very dirty? If so, then I suggest you don’t get this if you live in a neighborhood with children. Else their parents would get very angry with you.

25. Who could think that a stature with a head and legs could be this so adorable?

Actually I think this lawn sculpture is kind of terrifying, especially with the smirky smile on its face. Please, kill it! Kill it with fire for God’s sake!

26. For the art lovers, here is a statue of the Venus de Milo in funky colors.

I know the Ancient Greeks and Romans used to paint their statues but somehow this Venus de Milo rendition seems rather tacky to me. Perhaps I’m not familiar with her being painted like she’s fresh from some makeover gone bad at the beauty salon. That is, assuming the salon is accommodating to people with no arms and takes people who don’t have a shirt on.

27. If you want to keep those pesky kids off your lawn, here’s a giant metal dragon to scare them.

Yet, let it be known that this lawn statue isn’t going to help you get along with the neighbors or receive an invitation to the neighborhood cookout. In fact, this may make your neighbors afraid of you.

28. Of course, even gnomes sometimes have to relieve themselves.

Of course, gnomes don’t use toilets so it’s not unlike them to squat down, take their pants down, and answer the call of nature right on the spot.

29. Now sometimes there are gnomes who may resort to certain ways of deviance.

So we shouldn’t be upset when we see gnomes flashing their erect penises, trying to take down people with machine guns, and pole dancing.

30. Wow your neighbors with this handy little UFO display in front of your house.

Yet, understand that having such displays in your front lawn, may draw a lot of UFO conspiracy theorists in your neighborhood. And let me say, you may see them as weirdos.

31. Nothing enhances the quality of your lawn like a creature peeping from a manhole.

Actually that’s pretty creepy, especially for those who fix pipes underground. Also, kind of insulting to utility workers for some reason.

32. Oh, look a talking rock.

Now if I saw a rock with teeth like that, I would be more than slightly disturbed. This is a rather terrifying lawn ornament if you know what I mean.

33. Of course, who could forget the traditional lawn jockey?

When it comes to racist lawn ornaments, none comes in greater notoriety than the infamous lawn jockey ornament. Again, sorry NAACP, but in a post of utterly tacky lawn ornaments, there’s no way I couldn’t avoid posting this.

34. Of course, with a statue like this, you’ll always have a full moon.

Of course, I’m sure the neighbors would sure view you as an upstanding role model for displaying a statue showing utter disrespect. Note how my prose reflects utter sarcasm in reference to this.

35. Now introducing the one, the only, his majesty the King, Elvis frog.

Yes, you heard me, Elvis Frog. He’s the one who brought you hits like, “That’s All Ribbit,” “Heartbreak Swamp,” “Hound Fly,” “Bossa Nova Tadpole,” and “Jailswamp Rock.”

36. I don’t what I if you don’t decorate with some moai.

Of course, this may seem like a fun decoration at first. But take note that erecting the original Easter Island Statues would soon lead to all the island’s trees being cut down and mass starvation and decline of a Polynesian people. Kind of depressing isn’t it?

37. Of course, who wouldn’t want a garden ornament of a dog doing his business?

Hey, at least unlike the real thing, it doesn’t leave a special present behind so you don’t have to clean up after it. Kind of says a lot compared to having a real dog except that it would be incapable of showing any affection whatsoever.

38. Just a naked statue minding its own business.

Of course, why such a statue would want to frolick around while exposing itself, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also I don’t understand why people would want to put naked statues in their gardens in the first place. Then again, there may be a few I can’t name.

39. What better way to improve your lawn than to have it resemble a scene from a car accident.

Seriously, why would anyone think that having a lawn ornament like this would be a good idea? Seems more like someone would call 911 over a scene like this it weren’t for the lack of fire, smoke, and people in serious need for medical attention or reduced to dead mutilated corpses. Honestly, car accidents aren’t funny things at all.

40. No lawn ornament like this says that the family who gets boob jobs together stays together.

Seriously, what’s with these little girls having such big boobs? This is highly disturbing because normally little girls don’t have breasts. And if they do, there’s something seriously wrong with them.

41. What better way to have a bonfire than in a fire pit with forest decorations.

Of course, anyone with a fire pit like this isn’t going to make friends with Smokey the Bear, Bambi, or anyone living in an area notorious for wildfires. Seriously, forest fires aren’t nice things.

42. Nothing like a bath in dirt and chains.

Seriously, who thought that such design would make a good lawn ornament? I mean it’s something you’d more likely read about in 50 Shades of Grey than something you’d want to see in your garden.

43. Of course, to those who like to see attractive women mowing your lawn.

I guess she wasn’t hired for her mowing efficiency judging by her choice with using a push mower. Of course, if Hugh Hefner worked in Cub Cadet’s marketing department, such ads would look like this.

44. See the world burn with this globe outdoor fire pit.

Whoever designed this doesn’t seem to have a great outlook on life. I mean who wants to see our planet in a hell fire blaze. It’s disturbing.

45. No flamingo could shimmer in the sun like one decked in rhinestones.

Now flamingo lawn decorations are tacky enough but a rhinestone flamingo? Well, that takes tackiness to a whole new level.

46. Nothing graces a lawn better than a statue of a scantily clad woman draping with flowers.

Who in their right mind would erect such a tacky lawn ornament like this? I mean this will either distract onlooking drivers or neighbors, or lead to some questioning your taste in decorating decency. Some would just be disappointed she isn’t real.

47. Grace your lawn and garden with a one of a kind Lady Gaga statue.

Sure this statue may give neighbors an idea that you’re a big fan of hers. But, honestly, I don’t think Lady Gaga herself would have this in her own garden. Seriously, a Lady Gaga lawn ornament?

48. Of course, you can’t do without an outhouse.

Now using an outhouse as a lawn decoration isn’t going to make your lawn more aesthetically pleasing. Especially if it has a moon on the door.

49. What better way to show your patriotism than to have a lawn statue of a giant big cat with an American flag.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the Pink Panther’s (from the cartoon not the movie) little known American cousin. Of course, you wouldn’t know him since he’s considered an embarrassment.

50. Nothing secures your lawn better than a tank lawn ornament.

Warning: despite supposed coolness and potential for frightening the neighbors, it doesn’t actually work. If it did, it would’ve been considered an illegal weapon.

51. What better lawn ornament to have than one with a woman’s feet sticking out of the ground.

I’m sure that no one is going to think that some serial killer is on the loose in your area with that in your yard. Yet, this doesn’t mean I’m exactly positive.

52. Shark! From the ground!

Now a shark in the ocean could scare the bejesus out of a crowd of people at the beach. Lawn sharks, well, no one is safe from them.

53. Behold, a lawn ornament of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Not recommended for those who got quesy during Jurassic Park or for any neighbors who may have had upset stomachs for viewing that movie.

Not recommended for those who got queasy during Jurassic Park or for any neighbors who may have had upset stomachs for viewing that movie.

54. Oh, my God, it’s a giant praying mantis!

Now let’s just say that any lawn ornament resembling a giant insect is going to scare people and a praying mantis is no exception. I mean while some people may be afraid of insects at their regular size, no one wants to run into a bug that’s as big as them.

55. Scare the gnomes away with a Super Mario Piranha Plant lawn ornament.

I’m sure the carrot is looking none too pleased at the moment. Yet, this should scare some bugs away for awhile anyway.

56. Behold, the flower pot man on his tricycle.

Seriously, this is kind of terrifying for gardeners if you know what I mean. I mean there’s no way a flower pot person is harmless in some capacity.

57. Of course, what tacky garden wouldn’t be without the cutouts of people bending over.

Can’t do a post on tacky lawn ornaments without leading such lawn decorations out. I mean why would anyone want these? I mean they seem to be in poor aesthetic taste and crude humor.

58. Bring in the spirit of Mother Goose with this Humpty Dumpty lawn decoration.

Due to the fact Humpty Dumpty makes a creepy lawn ornament, there’s a reason why many children wouldn’t feel bad about him taking his great fall in the nursery rhyme.

59. Grace your lawn with this zombie lawn ornament you’d find in any mail order catalog.

For a zombie garden sculpture, this looks astonishingly lifelike that it’s kind of creepy. In a kitcshy sort of way that is. Still, would make a great Halloween decoration to freak out the neighbors.

60. Unfortunately zombie gnomes aren’t so friendly to lawn flamingos.

Granted, since the gnomes seem to find this animal particularly delicious for some reason. Still, pretty funny if you know what I mean.

Fun and Clever Insults from Famous People in the Days of Yore

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 12, 2014

1. William Faulkner (on Ernest Hemingway): “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

Ernest Hemingway: “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

2. George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill): “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”

Winston Churchill (to George Bernard Shaw): “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

3. The Earl of Sandwich: “You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

John Wilkes (to the Earl of Sandwich): “That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

4. James Reston (on Richard Nixon): “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

5. Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill): “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”

Winston Churchill (to Lady Astor): “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

6. Winston Churchill (when asked whether he was drunk): “I may be drunk madame, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will be just as ugly.”

7. Clarence Darrow: “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

8. Moses Hadas: “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

9. Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable): “His ears made him look like a taxi cab with both doors open.”

10. Lyndon B. Johnson (about Gerald Ford): “He’s a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.”

11. Jack E. Leonard: “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

12. Leonard Louis Levinson: “I wish I’d known you when you were alive.”

13. Abraham Lincoln: “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”

14. Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

15. Groucho Marx: “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

16. Groucho Marx: “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

17. Golda Meir: “Don’t be humble…you’re not that great.”

18. Thomas Paine (about John Adams): “It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt.”

19. Robert Redford: “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

20. Thomas Brackett Reed: “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

21. Aristophanes: “You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.”

22. Milton Berle: “Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”

23. Stephen Bishop: “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”

24. Irvin S. Cobb: “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

25. Winston Churchill: “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices Iadmire.”

26. Winston Churchill: “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

27. A. E. Housman: “Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.”

28. Samuel Johnson: “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”

29. Victor Hugo: “God was bored by him.”

30. William McAdoo (on Warren G. Harding): “His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea.”

31. Jim Samuels: “You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.”

32. George Bernard Shaw: “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.”

33. Neil Simon: “Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.”

34. Forrest Tucker: “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

35. Mark Twain: “His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.”

36. Mark Twain: “A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”

37. Mark Twain: “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

38. Mark Twain: “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

39. Mae West: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

40. Oscar Wilde: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

41. Oscar Wilde: “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

42. Billy Wilder: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

43. Oscar Wilde: “Why was I born with such contemporaries?”

44. Andrew Lang (1844-1912): “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.”

45. Edith Sitwell: “A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.”

46. Franklin K. Dane: “Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.”

47. Elizabeth Taylor: “Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”

48. Mark Twain: “I can never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.”

49. Dorothy Parker: “The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.”

50. William Kerr: “He has delusions of adequacy.”

51. John Bright: ”He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

52. Truman Capote (on Jack Kerouac): “That’s not writing, that’s typing.”

53. Gregory Ratoff: “You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”

54. Jonathan Swift: “Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.”

55. Liberace: “What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.”

56. William Dean Howells: “Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”

57. Fred Allen: “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

58. Oscar Levant: “Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

59. Groucho Marx: “Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”

60. Jeremy Thorpe: “Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.”

61. Moliere: “He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.”

62. Charles Kingsley: “He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.”

63. Oscar Wilde: “He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.”

64. W. S. Gilbert: “No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast.”

65. Heinrich Heine: “Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.”

66. Jean Webster: “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”

67. Mark Twain: “You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.”

68. Lyndon B. Johnson: “The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character.”

69. Mark Twain: “Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

70. Oscar Wilde: “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

71. James Thurber: “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

72. Benjamin Disraeli: “He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.”

73. Leo Tolstoy: “He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.”

74. Groucho Marx: “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

75. Josh Billings: “When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry – for the clothes.”

76. Catherine the Great: “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”

77. Lillian Gish: “Young man, if God had wanted you to see me that way, he would have put your eyes in your bellybutton.”

78. Benjamin Disraeli: “If William Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that would be a calamity.”

79. Mark Twain: “Every time I read Pride and Prejudice, I want to dig Jane Austen up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

80. Oscar Wilde: “There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Alexander Pope.”

81. Will Rogers: “An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.”

82. Mark Twain: “There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”

83. Charlotte Whitton: “Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

84. Mark Twain: “He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.”

85. Mark Twain: “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”

86. Dorothy Parker: “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

87. Groucho Marx: “Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”

88. Richard Moore: “When I read Homer, I sometimes have the feeling that we have been starving to death for 3,000 years.”

89. Albert Einstein: “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the former.”

90. Adlai Stevenson: “Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.”

91. Will Rogers: “A fool and his money are soon elected.”

92. Will Rogers: “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”

93. Jonathan Swift: “I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.”

94. Nathaniel Hawthorne (on Edward Bulwer-Lytton): “Bulwer nauseates me; he is the very pimple of the age’s humbug. There is no hope of the public, so long as he retains an admirer, a reader, or a publisher.”

95. Anatole France (on Emile Zola): “His work is evil, and he is one of those unhappy beings of whom one can say that it would be better had he never been born.”

96. Fred Allen: “What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.”

97. P. G. Wodehouse: “He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

98. Charles Baudelaire (on Richard Wagner): “I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.”

99. Groucho Marx: “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

100. George Bernard Shaw: “He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”

“He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” – See more at: http://www.articlereviewwriters.com/fun-and-famous-insults.html#sthash.0JsKBNSN.dpuf

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 11, 2014

For as long as writing and business existed side by side, advertising has always been with us since communication as everything. Roman gladiators once endorsed products when not fighting each other while print media almost wouldn’t survive without it. Still, while some ads seem fairly harmless others not so much. I could go on all day about the nice cutesy ads your grandparents fondly remember but no one wouldn’t be interested. Instead, I’ll show the not-so-stellar ads to mock for your pleasure. So without further adieu, here is a collection of some of the worst printed ads of yesterday. Note: Some of my ad descriptions may denote sarcasm. Also, some of these ads may be offensive but I posted them because they’re terrible so that’s kind of the point.

1. Who knew a pig could survive after it slices itself in half?

I think the guy who came up with this image must’ve been on drugs if you ask me.

2. Is it always illegal to kill a woman? Uh, yeah, I think it very much is.

Also, why would anyone ever ask that kind of misogynistic question? And on an advertisement out all things. Seriously, I wonder if the guy behind this ad was an inspiration for a character on Madmen or something.

3. Sure all women love to receive a new vacuum for Christmas.

Let’s just say if you’re my significant other and gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I will not be happy. I hate these things for all the noise they make.

4. Treat yourself on Christmas, buy a gun!

Really? A gun? That’s crazy. Wonder if treating yourself to getting a gun for Christmas may be a sign you need some psychiatric counseling.

5. Sure Iver Johnson revolvers are safe around kids. This ad guarantees it.

“Absolutely Safe,” “Accidental Discharge Impossible,” “Pa says it won’t hurt us,” as this ad promises. However, all these sayings are what is known in the advertising business as “bullshit.” Guns are never safe around kids and accidental discharges will happen.

6. Drinking Smirnoff would lead a woman to become a bra burning feminist.

This was probably designed by some asshole who has no idea of what feminism is. Still, anything is possible while handling Smirnoff like date rape which might be on the mind of the guy next to her. Empowering to women? I think not.

7. Blatz understands that young mothers always need a drink if they want their babies growing healthy and strong.

Uh, huh, I’m not sure if marketing beer to young mothers as a health drink is a good idea. Still, I wonder if the baby will be plastered on the mother’s breast milk after she drinks some.

8. Apparently this white kid thinks black people are using the wrong soap.

Try using the Fairy soap on your black friend, kid. Chances are, the blackness is never coming off because it’s the person’s natural skin color. Just because a person’s skin is dark doesn’t mean he or she is dirty or should be treated any differently than as an equal. This is a pretty racist ad but it’s not the worst I’ve seen. But posting it will certainly not get black people to like you.

9. Men who don’t wear Van Heusen Oxfords obviously come from a savage cannibalistic tribe in Africa.

Another offensive and racist ad. This not only calls blacks savages but also insults people in Third World countries as savage and cannibalistic brutes, which many are not. Even if that were true, we shouldn’t refer to their culture as any barbaric than our own. This ad is just a bunch of Western imperialistic nonsense.

10. Buy Kenwood mixer because even chefs need wives to cook in their own homes.

Hey, since when is cooking primarily the wife’s job? If I was married to a chef, I sure wouldn’t cook for him. Any male chef who makes his wife cook for him is a jerk. Stay in the kitchen my ass.

11. Because every boy needs to have his own little assault rifle.

What the fuck? Why in God’s mercy would you give your kid this? This is almost as bad as the real thing, not that it helped the soldiers in Vietnam. Oh, I see why they had these toys so boys can get excited about being drafted. It’s disturbing, really.

12. Daisy always knows guns make the best Christmas gifts for the whole family.

I really don’t want to live next to these people. Let’s just say guns are another thing I wouldn’t want for Christmas.

13. Drink Poulain Chocolate or else the pale face clown will get you.

I wonder if this hot chocolate drinking clown is related to the Joker from Batman.

14. Using Diamond Dyes will make your kid pretending to be a sociopath.

If my kid was playing with some blood colored dye I’d feel the same way like that horrifying child’s mother. I wonder if this child’s utter delight in it may foreshadow a future as a serial killer.

15. See, even Santa smokes so cigarettes must be good for you.

Seriously, I think doing tobacco endorsement should automatically put someone on the naughty list. And I don’t think Santa should be exempt from that.

16. It’s nice having a girl around the house, to step on.

Look, this is not only offensive toward women but also to tigers. You can’t treat women like doormats or kill tigers and make rugs out of them. You also can’t step on women’s heads either.

17. Make every ocean liner trip a gay cruise on American Export Lines.

On American Export Lines, everyone is guaranteed to have a gay old time. However, a gay cruise today would mean something completely different.

18. Because group showers save money.

Sure group showers may save money and be prevalent among athletes. Yet, they also tend to be the butt of gay jokes, especially since the world of men’s sports is rather homophobic. Still, these boys seem perfectly fine naked in each other’s company. One is even singing while washing his hair. However, this is in here because it was made at a highly homophobic time yet much of it may be teeming with gay subtext to add further irony.

19. Munsingwear Men’s Underwear: Because you never know when you’ll be wrestling in your underwear.

As to why any two straight men would even want to wrestle with each other in their underwear, I don’t have the slightest idea. Another 1950’s ad teeming with gay subtext. Is anyone on Madmen in the closet or something?

20. Not sure what you want your husband to buy anything for you for Christmas? Circle the following.

I’m sure all women would want these kitchen appliances for Christmas. I sure wouldn’t. Still, I think it’s kind of insulting. Also, what should my husband give me if I want something that’s not on that piece of God forsaken garbage.

21. Husband doesn’t like the coffee? Let him give you a good spanking.

I’m kind of looking forward to the next ad when the wife throws her husband out the house and puts him under a restraining order. Seriously, why in God’s name would anyone think this is funny? This is domestic violence for crying out loud! Buy our coffee or your husband will beat you? What kind of message is that?

22. Doctors smoke Camels so you should, too.

Smoking is prevalent among medical professionals as well as a lot of other bad habits. However, as we know from watching medical show, we know that just because people in healthcare engage in certain habits like smoking doesn’t mean everyone else should. Just because people may take good care of others doesn’t mean they’re taking good care of themselves. Nevertheless, this ad is wrong on so many levels.

23. Relieve that toothache pain with cocaine. That’s the ticket.

Of course, a well known proponent of cocaine was Sigmund Freud. Yes, the famed father of psychoanalysis himself was a cokehead. Still, if you have a toothache, you should probably see a dentist.

24. Scot Towels will wipe away Communism in your home and workplace.

Reminds me of that Terry Gilliam animated toothpaste commercial on Monty Python. Yes, Scot Towels has the Joe McCarthy zeal that will wipe away all those dirty Communists in your home. Not really.

25. Lucky Strike will turn you from a chunky fat guy to a world class athlete.

This would be more accurate if the fit guy was replaced with a corpse. There’s no way in hell smoking Lucky Strikes will make you into a world class athlete. It will more likely shed years off your life and lead you to an early grave.

26. Because you can never start shaving too young.

Babies should never ever have sharp objects in their hands, including safety razor. So many things can go wrong with that. Who ever thought of making this disturbing ad? Wonder if he has any kids. If he does, he lacks a lot of basic parenting skills.

27. Because happy babies loved being sealed in plastic wrap.

What’s with the babies in plastic wrap? Babies aren’t food products. Is this child abuse or cannibalism?

28. Sure DDT’s destruction to wildlife would inspire Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring, but it’s honestly as good as mother’s milk.

Better living through chemicals taken to new levels of absurdity. Sure DDT may kill pesky insects but it also gets rid of wild animals like bald eagles and other now endangered species. And if it’s harmful to wild animals, it’s certainly bad for people. I mean this pesticide helped inspire a whole movement. God, this is as bad as anything from Monsanto. Yet, at least that company doesn’t do the same thing with Round-Up.

29. I’m Ronald Reagan and I endorse Chesterfields for America.

Say, Ronnie, have you thought that by the time you get into politics, smoking may not seem cool anymore because it leads to well, cancer? Also, didn’t you and your wife help start the War on Drugs during your presidency? Too bad you couldn’t say no to appearing on a cigarette ad.

30. Use Pear’s soap and don’t throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Seriously, this is horrifying. Why would anyone have an ad like this? No wonder the baby is crying it’s eyes out. Certainly not looking to bath time in the future after that traumatizing experience.

31. Love’s Baby Soft: because innocence should be in the form of a sexualized little girl.

“Because innocence is sexier than you think.” Really? Why come with this ad? This girl is probably a teenager at most. God, and you think my generation is screwed up over child beauty pageants and the Disney Channel. This is disturbing.

32. Gang rape scantily clad streetwalkers under the influence is always fun in Broomsticks slacks.

I hope these boys have their lives ruined over this because this imagery is nothing to joke about. At best this is street harassment. At worst it is prelude to gang rape. Simply sexist and deeply offensive. Whoever designed this piece of shit ought to be ashamed of themselves.

33. Drink 7UP because baby is never too young for his first soft drink.

Yes, start your baby on a drink full of empty calories that will lead to early tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, hyperactivity, anxiety, sleep deprivation, bone loss, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, giving your baby pop is a good idea. Soft drinks are probably among the unhealthiest beverages on the market.

34. Traveling in the Middle East, then fly with Pakistan International.

Of course, no one is going to think of crashing a plane into those enormous skyscrapers. Oh, I forgot those buildings aren’t around anymore because terrorists crashed planes into them on 9/11.

35. Because lead paint is the best paint.

Of course, lead paint is bound to lower intelligence, stunt growth, delays development, cause kidney damage, cause reproductive problems, and may even cause cancer. Yeah, and you wonder why we don’t use lead paint anymore. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that these lead party guests consists of toy soldiers and plates.

36. Pass for white with Chlorinol bleach.

God this is so blatantly and virulently racist as well as contains an N-word reference to boot, which should never be used in advertising especially alongside “white.” As for the bleaching for lighter skin, it seems like a disturbing and destructive practice. Also, these black kids are pretty scary looking. Where is Chlorinol bleach to wash out this horrendously racist ad? My deepest apologies to the NAACP.

37. For limited time only, here’s a replica of an exploding hand grenade.

Of course, you can buy one of these and watch your WWII veteran dad experience sudden flashbacks as well as bring him back to the days on the front he’d rather forget. Yes, your dad will relive all those PTSD memories all over again.

38. Get the SEGA video game control and be the naked couch potato in your parents basement you always wanted to be.

Yeah, this guy seems to have so much fun with SEGA he doesn’t seem to take any time to get dressed. Yeah, why can’t this guy find something else to do with his life?

39. Only this kid knows what other meat tastes like pork.

Don’t look now but I think this child seems to have a nasty grin on his face. That can’t be good. Something tells me he may not be totally satisfied and may have a craving for human flesh.

40. Try the Deep South peanut pie, or else this naked fedora kid will use you into one.

This kid isn't cute. It's as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and just drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that's it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.

This kid isn’t cute. It’s as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that’s it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.

41. Swift’s: The quality restaurant for the potentially murderous child.

Yes, she’s a raging murderous psychopath all right. What is it about old ad artists that they seem to draw children so creepy looking?

42. Because why should you wait until summer to get a tan?

Yeah, why wait till summer where you can expose yourself to skin cancer causing UV rays today and for half the price? And I thought the tanning craze now was insane.

43. Either this woman has been very good this year or Santa just likes what he sees.

Bad, Santa, you should know better than anyone not to stare up women’s skirts. Wonder what Mrs. Claus would think of this.

44. Hey, honey, why don’t we make out under the mistletoe and traumatize our kids for the rest of their lives?

And this is how “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was born.

45. Kids keep wetting the bed, well protect them with Stay Dry child diapers.

I think having those pants on is much more psychologically disturbing than wetting the bed. Also, that boy has to be about 8-10 years old who shouldn’t be having those problems.

46. Jester Wools will always make you gay.

Nowadays this slogan would make right wing Christians in the South cringe with fear. Doesn’t help with the colorful jester and rainbow.

47. Step in the spa with Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.

These inflatable Bermuda shorts made from the skin of the Michelin Tire Man seem to make crocs stylish by comparison. Boy, do those people look ridiculous.

48. Overweight? Lose weight through the tapeworm diet.

This was a big weight loss fad back in the day. Still, I think having a parasite living in my digestive tract is kind of disturbing.

49. Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab is fun educational toy for the kids as well as completely safe and harmless.

This toy probably doesn’t work because parents would certainly complain. As we know from Chernobyl and Fukishima, atomic energy isn’t safe even in children’s toys. Also, I think this toy may be illegal nowadays for obvious reasons. You’re better off getting your kid a chemistry set.

50. Worried about nuclear attack? Protect your family with a fallout shelter and you’ll be ready to survive total nuclear annihilation.

I’m sure a fallout shelter will save you in a nuclear attack. Actually, it’s probably going to useless and you’ll probably die in a nuclear attack anyway.

51. Real men use whiskey toothpaste because the regular stuff is for sissies.

A 6 proof alcoholic tooth paste. I guess there’s no artificial flavors is there? Also, why?

52. Saying your product contributes to melting glacier isn’t something to brag about.

Of course, this ad says that their fuel emissions melt the glaciers with pride. Nowadays, they’d deny that man made climate change even exists and it’s hurting the planet. Well, that’s Big Oil for you.

53. Depressed, just drink some of Phosferine tonic wine and chase all those blues away.

Seriously, I don’t want to know what’s in this. Drug of choice for the unhappy housewife who can’t find any escape from her second-class status.

54. Somehow the “skinless wieners” doesn’t seem to have the same connotation these days.

Somehow I find it rather comical when these old timey folks refer hotdogs as wieners. It’s just makes this seemingly wholesome ad dirty. Unfortunately this isn’t from Oscar Meyer.

55. Chilprufe underwear for the active service man who may be in the closet.

Seriously, what’s with the two underwear clad men possibly touching each other? For God’s sake, there’s no way those guys are “just friends.”

56. Use ethyl high-octane gasoline, like these Indian speed demons.

Someone seems to have a little too much fun at the casino. Oops, sorry about that. Also, as with ethyl fuel. well, it has done its share of widespread environmental damage over the years than other forms of gasoline because it contains lead. And we thought Indians cared about Mother Earth.

57. So I guess the Canadians weren’t so above it all either.

Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren't human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nice than us all this time.

Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren’t human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nicer than us all this time.

58. Use Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator and drive all your demons away.

Kind of find the idea of demons in your head kind of terrifying. Also, may not work on schizophrenics.

59. Agitated seniors giving you grief? Calm them down with Thorazine.

So if there’s a contentious old guy saying “Get off my lawn!” we should drug him with this? Well, that’s sure going to make his transition to the old folks home a hell of a lot easier. Still, I don’t it would work on Clint Eastwood though.

60. I’m sure having your baby under the sun lamp is completely safe.

Let’s just say that putting your baby over a tanning lamp is a very bad idea even if the ad says it can’t burn. Oh, it will. Is this something taken from the Snooki Parenting Manual here?

61. Flip N’ Style: The hair dryer for bald people.

At least we know where Sinead O’Connor got her start. Of course, why would she want a hair dryer, I don’t have the slightest idea.

62. Oh, a funeral home service. Wait, it’s an employment agency.

I think this agency may need to rethink their advertising approach. It still looks more appropriate for a funeral home to me.

63. Try Groves Tasteless Chill Tonic and even you can turn into a pig bodied abomination.

If having a pig body is one of this tonic’s side effects, then I’m sure not taking that no matter how depressed I am.

64. Give your children Bee Hive corn syrup and see them become the next heavyweight champion.

Yeah, I’m sure corn syrup is going to make a bruiser out of your baby. Also, why is the tyke wearing boxing gloves? Is it participating in some kind of pewee boxing league? This is messed up.

65. Beer: the health drink for the whole family.

Just think, grandpa, in just over a century later, you could be arrested for serving this to minors.

66. Ayer’s Cathartic Pills: made by the hands of babes.

For a pharmaceutical company to say that their pills are packaged by naked children would send shockwaves among the masses nowadays. Also, they’re probably not practicing proper sanitation either.

67. Of course, this ad is sure to cater to a younger audience.

Child mascots for tobacco companies are a horrible idea. Still, talk about appealing to a younger demographic, which tobacco companies try to get kids hooked on their product at the earliest as possible. This is pretty disturbing in of itself.

68. Enhance your beauty with this face squeezing torture device.

As if botox wasn’t bad enough, we have the face crusher. That certainly does not look comfortable.

69. What young boy wouldn’t be without his own machine gun?

Even funnier, this gun is called “Big Dick.” Now you can experience the machine gun’s rapid fire that will traumatize your WWI veteran dad from his days in the trenches. Yet, unlike him, you won’t experience the dirty trenches or the vast carnage that accompanied the Great War. Now isn’t that fun?

70. Smoke Virginia Slims and be like Wonder Woman.

Of course, she may not be Wonder Woman (maybe her evil twin considering what smoking does to people) but this ad is trying to appeal to feminists. However, just because most of the information in this ad is true to some extent, using female empowerment to sell a terrible destructive product is rather disturbing if you really think about it. Rather smoking Virginia Slims will not make you look like Wonder Woman’s stand-in.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 9, 2014

Whether it be for sending something back home while out somewhere or buying one as a souvenir, postcards have been among us for a very long time. Some may have “Greetings from (insert place here),” some may be cards with funny images like animals, some may be ads, but we’ve seen them all especially back in the day. I could go on and on about all the nice vintage postcards you can see but I know nobody wants to hear about it. Instead, I intend to show some of the hilariously tacky and bad ones you wouldn’t want to send a loved one. So without further adieu here is a collection of some of the unintentionally funny postcards that will make you wonder what some of the designers were on.

1. Honestly the Tyrannosaurus Rex has seen better days sporting its ferocious bloodstained teeth.

This is perhaps the lamest bloodthirsty T-Rex I’ve ever seen.

2. Come to Aquarena Springs in San Marcos, Texas and see Ralph the Swimming Pig.

Who knew that pigs were excellent swimmers? Neither did I.

3. Come to New Mexico for the Rich Southwest Indian culture and the giant mushroom clouds of nuclear annihilation.

Of course, the presence of a mushroom cloud is because New Mexico was home to Los Alamos, the famous headquarters of the Manhattan Project as well as a nuclear testing site. Yet, I don’t think I’d want to visit a state that has a giant mushroom cloud of total annihilation on it’s postcard. Then there’s the thing that New Mexico is also known for if you’ve ever watched Breaking Bad.

4. You see, aliens are real as you can see in this postcard.

This probably explains why the show Ancient Aliens is now in existence. This one has to be a postcard from Roswell also in New Mexico.

5. For some reason, adding parrots and tractors don’t really make this a sexy photo shoot.

Seriously, tractors, parrots, and swimsuit models just don’t go together. Particularly tractors and parrots.

6. Honestly, Florida, what’s with your fixation with bathing beauties and alligators? It’s disturbing.

Either this is an interspecies romance resulting in Governor Rick Scott or the bathing beauty is going to be dinner.

7. Who knows what this contraption was used for? I certainly don’t.

Seriously, what is this? Is it a massage table, something used for plastic surgery, or a torture device?

8. This dog seems to have a rather artistic taste in pin-up girls.

Yet, he seems rather guilty that he has a dirty mind when it comes to certain human women.

9. Corky the Clown stops by on his motorboat in Cypress Gardens, Florida.

For some people, this may be a key reason not to visit Cypress Gardens in Florida. I mean who wants to see a terrifying clown of your nightmares in a motorboat?

10. Seriously who puts a skeleton fishing on a postcard? For God’s sake this is creepy.

That guy is certainly a stubborn cuss all right. He’s probably been fishing forever and hasn’t caught anything. Of course, the bird’s wondering why he’s still there.

11. Sure being a 1950s working girl meant being subject to Madmen levels of sexual harassment but at least you got to wear a swimsuit to the office once in awhile.

Seriously, I’m sure women didn’t dress up in bathing suits at the office during the 1950s. Also, why wear a swimsuit in paper bag brown?

12. Before Amy Winehouse became famous, she started out as a singer in a Polynesian Restaurant.

Sure this may not be the tragic British pop star, but I can’t look at this postcard thinking about Amy Winehouse. Apologies to her fans.

13. Of course, if your nurse is a dog, it won’t be much help to you.

Somehow I’m not sure if putting a dog near medicines is a good idea.

14. I had no idea furries were into water water skiing.

Of course, I wonder how many people may find the idea of seeing someone water ski in a tiger costume somewhat terrifying. This was probably made to attract furries if any of them existed at the time.

15. I’m sure leopard prints is totally appropriate to wear around a gigantic tiger and lion hybrid cat.

Also, I wonder ho many big cats would devour people for simply wearing such prints in front of them. Besides, I think animal prints are rather tacky anyway.

16. No girl at the beach would be complete without her face mask, her snorkel, and her harpoon gun?

This served as the inspiration for the 1965 Dolphin Slayer Barbie which was quickly pulled off the market thanks to marine life advocacy groups. Apparently they thought such doll taught little girls the fun of killing giant marine mammals, most of which are now on the endangered species list.

17. Always bring your horse while fishing because you never know when you may need it.

Of course, horses can only be good for carrying medium sized fish hauls. With large sharks, you’re going to need a car.

18. Behold, the Word of God from the mouths of babes.

This is wrong on so many levels. He’s probably saying “You’re going to hell. Now hand over your wallet.” This is a scam, plain and simple. Seriously, this child preacher thing is fucked up. I wonder what this kid’s parents are like.

19. What Scottish woman wouldn’t be without her trusty bagpipes?

I’m not sure if she’s going to play her bagpipes or assault someone with them off-camera. Either way, you really don’t want to mess with this bonny lass.

20. Is this from the place Liz Lemon goes on vacation? If not, someone’s going to get it from the fashion police.

Look, I don’t know about you, but black knee high socks and business shoes are never appropriate with white shorts. I mean seriously, this is a fashion abomination.

21. For some reason this scene seems to remind me of a Seinfeld episode.

Is this guy wearing a bro or a mansere? And why is the lady wearing one, too? Also, why is there a candelabra on a pink table in the middle?

22. There’s nothing like a lovely swimsuit model posing with a taxidermied polar bear.

Note the curtains were courtesy of the NRA. Also, sorry PETA. Still, aren’t polar bears an endangered species now? Maybe this shoot was sponsored by the Polar Bear Club.

23. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Ramblin’ Lou and his amazing technicolor dream suit.

With the way the country music industry is these days, I’m sure such flamboyant wardrobe displays would be frowned upon.

24. Guess the guy couldn’t find any girl to prom so he had to settle for a large T-Bone as his date. Wait a minute is that guy?

Sorry, I didn’t notice is was the 1968 Miss Nebraska in her androgynous 1960s Willa Cather style. Seriously, that is one of the ugliest pantsuits I have ever seen.

25. Nothing says “Greetings from down South in Dixie” like the patriotic American flag flying on a pole and a swimsuit model holding a flag symbolizing white supremacy.

Hate to offend Southerners here, but I detest this flag. Seriously, this has been associated with not just Southern identity but also used as protest against school desegregation during the Civil Rights Era and by the KKK. Some may see it as a symbol of heritage but to me, this is a symbol of hate, and that’s all I’m going to say.

26. Whatever happens in Bushkill Falls stays in Bushkill Falls.

Apparently, though Lisa and Grizzy would cherish this moment forever, both realized that it wouldn’t work out since they were from different worlds. Society would never understand the kind of love between humans and bears or accept such a pairing. Besides, Grizzy thought Lisa’s family was delicious.

27. Come to Salt Lake City and see the statue of Space Jesus.

Seriously, there are some Mormon beliefs that are pretty messed up. Still, this reminds me more of a statue of Zeus than Jesus given the space backdrop and clouds.

28. If any of my relatives sent me a postcard like this, I’d wonder whatever became of them.

Yeah, they’re having a wonderful time all right judging by the possibly haunted abandoned house in the picture. Still, they’re probably getting plenty of exercise from whatever horror monster is chasing them.

29. Sometimes I yearn back to the days when bears and humans treated each other as equals.

Apparently, around the turn of the 19th to 20th century, it wasn’t uncommon for Papa Bears to let their daughters seek human suitors just as long as they brought them home by ten.

30. Come and see the giant Jack-in-a-Box of your nightmares.

This is actually said to be from the Story Book Forest at Idlewild Park in Ligonier, which I’ve actually been to. I don’t remember seeing this but they probably removed it before I came around. Actually I did a Google Search on Story Book Forest and apparently this traumatizing inducing clown is still around. Nevertheless, this is pretty terrifying.

31. Come and hang around at the wax museum and see our figures try to kill themselves.

Somehow I don’t think a display of dangling wax figures by the noose is something I’d like to see. Also, why would anyone visit a wax museum in the first place?

32. There’s nothing more fun than happily frolicking in the tobacco fields.

Yes, you hear me, those are tobacco leaves, which are used in products that kill a third of its user. Yes, this leafy green plant is a known killer of millions. I can’t see in any way how this postcard is anything other than a tobacco commercial.

33. Though the postcard says this is a religious shrine, I can’t help seeing this as a still from a Wes Anderson movie or a tacky lawn display.

Let’s just say the ugly font and car aren’t helping things here. And, no, this is not from a Wes Anderson movie.

34. 82 Club Revue: A show combining the best elements of Lawrence Welk and RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I sincerely apologize to the gays for my comments. Still, this group of transvestites put Lady Gaga to shame.

35. As far as models are concerned, apparently flowers are considered to be clothes.

Well, it seems that this poor girl is wearing nothing but flowers. Seriously, you can see her tan lines. She’s probably being self-conscious among onlookers during the photo shoot and wishes she’d wear more modest attire like a bikini.

36. Come and have a blast in the Oklahoma oil fields.

Seriously, whoever in Oklahoma thought a postcard depicting an oil well fire would be a good idea out to be fired from the state’s tourist industry altogether. In the oil and gas industry, well fires are disasters that cause not only environmental devastation and destroy homes but also cost millions of dollars. This is not something that makes me want to visit Oklahoma. Rather it makes me want to avoid it altogether.

37. How many guys can boast about entering a beauty contest?

Reminds me of the Mr. Yough Competition during my high school days. Still, these guys would probably put the men of Monty Python to shame. And this swimsuit picture would never make the Sports Illustrated cover, not that it should. My apologies to cross dressers everywhere.

38. Who knew you could comb your hair underwater?

I’m sure personal grooming is perfectly easy underwater. Actually getting your hair untangled after swimming is a nightmare. Still, the real world isn’t like The Little Mermaid or Spongebob Squarepants for crying out loud.

39. Finally a place called Liberal in a state known for being infamously conservative and loony, especially when it comes to evolutionary teaching in schools.

Add to that it features a musical film starring an actress known to a appear in musicals with a large gay fanbase. Not to mention, it features a rainbow seen as a symbol for gay rights. Oh, the irony, the disappointing irony.

40. Greetings from the nudie beach.

Seriously, why would anyone would send a postcard from a nude beach? I mean no one wants to see a couple of bare butts in a postcard.

41. For those who long the lost days of big game hunting in Africa.

Many of these hunting trophies in this room are probably now considered endangered species. This is kind of like a zoo, except all the animals are dead, stuffed, and mounted.

42. Come to Las Vegas and gamble at the Las Vegas Club: The House of Jackpots.

Worst ad pitch for a Las Vegas gambling venue ever. Makes Vegas look pretty lame.

43. Come to Perry’s Nut-House and be hugged by a Maine Bear.

When I hear the words “nut” and “house” used together in the same sentence, I don’t usually think of a nature center. Also, the bear’s pretty creepy.

44. Greetings from the land where black people pick cotton and our leafy green plants kill millions worldwide.

Of course, the cotton picking by blacks reminds me of one of the great injustices in American history. Seriously, it’s offensive. As for the leafy green plants, they’re the least healthy ones on the planet.

45. Come to Dallas and visit the key moments of the Kennedy assassination.

This is simply a terrible postcard, especially since it tends to try to capitalize the murder of a US president, a national tragedy in itself. Seriously, Dallas, you could’ve used the Cowboys your people obsess about to annoying levels. Methinks you might be part of some larger conspiracy here.

46. Come see our Good Friday Passion Play.

For some reason, whenever I see this, I can’t think of anything else but Life of Brian. I mean the hair an beards are obviously fake and I’m sure one of Jesus’ disciples is wearing a robe made out of a shower curtain. Oh, and some of these guys are wearing light haired wigs.

47. Come to Daytona Beach and have your picture taken with Ferdinand the Bull like this little buckaroo.

I don’t think Ferdinand really likes having his picture taken and has been seriously thinking about goring some of the people who pose with him. Sometimes he wishes to be part of the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona where he can gore whatever human he wished.

48. See this lion jump through a ring of fire.

Of course, a lion could never have done this nowadays thanks to the animal rights groups who see this as cruel. But it was entertainment.

49. Guy is on the stocks for doing something naughty while the bystanders just laugh at him.

Guy in stocks: “Can either of you please let me out here. I have to scratch something. Anyone please? This isn’t funny!”

50. Meet everyone’s favorite ducky balloon making clown Quacky.

Oh, please, look away, look away. That clown is terrifying and stuff of nightmares. Also, the beak and webbed feet make him seem even more creepy.

51. What better way to commemorate the adding of two states than with two swimsuit models representing each.

Still, I don’t think fur coats and swimsuits go together. I mean they’re two pieces of clothing belonging in totally different climates.

52. And you should see the one that got away.

Sir, I hate to break it to you but shouldn’t your gigantic fish be strapped down on the roof of your station wagon? You know it can slip off at any time.

53. Just two dogs having a drink together. Is that cute?

Everyone knows you shouldn’t give your dog alcoholic beverages. This is so wrong.

54. Come to the lake with so many letters in it’s name, we’re not sure how to pronounce it.

Let’s hope this lake’s name doesn’t appear on a spelling test since having kids spell this word is cruel. Look, I know it may come from the Indians, but if everyone has a hard time saying it, then it must be changed.

55. Wow! Who knew that chainsaws came in so many bright colors.

Besides, what woman wouldn’t want a brightly colored chain saw that looks like it comes from a Martha Stewart line at Sears Kmart or Walmart?

56. What can an American housewife do if her apron didn’t match with the curtains and tablecloth?

Also, she appears to be making something to do with cherries, like martinis perhaps. Because 1950s housewives need them to escape from the empty vacuums of their lives as second-class citizens.

57. Stay at the Madonna Inn where everything is in bright red to set the mood.

This suite is simply hideous beyond all reason. It just seems more appropriate for a brothel or a place to have an affair than a room you’d stay with your family. Don’t let me stay there.

58. Come to Iowa and see the World’s Largest Talking Chef.

Please don’t let that terrifying talking chef hit me. This statue is bound to traumatize your kids. Oh, please, get me away from here!

59. Come at the Madonna Inn and stay at the Love Nest if you’re on your honeymoon.

Looks very much what you’d expect from a love nest but I don’t think it would be appropriate for a honeymoon suite. More like a sex dungeon or bordello.

60. Come to the Cowboy Cafe and enter under his crotch.

Seriously, does anyone in Texas know how family unfriendly this display is?

61. This man has seen them all, killed them all, and is wearing a leopard skin vest.

Seriously, that leopard vest is hideous. Also, I wouldn’t mind if this guy would be mauled by elephants on his next trip.

62. I’m sure there’s a song about the sand man but I don’t think this one inspired it.

Kid: Mommy, where’s Daddy? I thought I last saw him here a while ago.
Dad: Let me out! Let me out of here, goddammit!

63. Remember to always lock your trunk, or else a bear will get to your picnic basket.

Of course, some bears have such strength that they can just rip off the trunk door anyway. This is Yogi because he’s smarter than the average bear.

64. What kind of woman wouldn’t want bath tiles like these?

Of course, we’re not sure whether she has clothes on either. But what she’s wearing under the curtain is anyone’s guess.

65. Come and check out this awesome new shower stall.

Well, this is probably the limits of censorship as far as the 1950s go. Still, keep your minds out of the gutter.

66. Take a trip in the underground roller coaster with a giant spider.

No matter how big or fake looking a spider may be, it still appears terrifying to many.

67. What better way to have a picnic than underwater?

I don’t think the food will be great in the water. Besides, wouldn’t the make up and lipstick be smeared already?

68. Small children with parrots, wonder what can go wrong with that?

Either the parrots will attack the children or the kids will learn some naughty new words from them.

Either the parrots will attack the children or the kids will be introduced to a whole new vocabulary.

69. Some dogs just don’t know how to hunt.

You may have thought hunting is a skill which should come naturally to dogs. Still, it doesn’t answer how this dog learned to read.

70. For those who haven’t seen one, here’s one of the legendary jackalope.

No way this isn’t photoshopped or have any taxidermy involved, said no one ever. Seriously, jakalopes don’t exist. Those hares with “antlers” were later found with a fungal infection. Or were perhaps glued. Still, it’s a fine example of Western humor in taxidermy.

The Wonderful World of Peep Shows (No, Not That Kind)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 8, 2014

This week marked the start of the season of Lent which means that Easter will soon be upon us. And like many holidays, it does come with it’s share of decorations and hobbies. Every year it’s not unusual for certain venues to stage a peep competition in which people create scenes out of the sugar color coated chicks and rabbits that are unfit for human consumption. Trust me, they are. Yet, this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with them like these people have. So without further adieu, here are some of my favorite peep dioramas that will give you a smile.

1. See the pink bunny on an afternoon in the art museum.

Seems to be very fond of the expressionists and Van Gogh here.

2. Watch a dramatic reenactment of 12 Angry Peeps.

Watch these twelve angry rabbits decide whether the accused gets smored.

3. Washchickton Crossing the Delaware.

Now this is a historical reenactment we can all get behind.

4. This bunny has done a very bad thing.

Dexter’s dark peepenger has awoken and is out for blood. So this pink bunny totally deserves it.

5. I don’t know how anyone could forget the Muppeeps.

Almost looks like a perfect picture of them. Really it does.

6. Take a sneak peek of the new season of acclaimed PeepBS drama Peepton Abbey.

I love this show and would totally see it all the characters were played by marshmallow bunnies.

7. Even peeps must now pass a security clearance.

And you thought air travel was a bitch these days.

8. Now see your favorite marshmallow peeps from space.

As the late Neil Peepstrong said, “That’s one small step for a peep, one giant leap in peepkind.”

9. Come one, come all to the Peepling Bros. Three Ring Circus.

Of course, nowadays, we don’t have a circuses under the Big Top anymore. And I’m not so sure they treat their elepeeps very well either.

10. Even peeps may not choose the best partners.

Still, this prison peep wedding scene is rather touching if you think about it.

11. When the time is right, Cialis will be there if you suffer from erectile dysfunction.

I may not understand the concept with the bathtubs in the Cialis commercials but this is very clever.

12. Jesus died for our sins and now he is risen.

I had to post one that captures the true spirit of Easter.

13. Watch the cardinals gather in Rome for the Peepal Conclave.

I love how these bunnies look in their red robes and crosses.

14. Because even peeps need a place to hold their bachelor parties.

Gives the concept of “peep show” a whole new meaning doesn’t it? This is pretty funny I had to post it.

15. I present you a dramatic reenactment of the wreck of the Edmund Peepsgerald.

This later inspired a song written by Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot.

16. Watch this dramatic tribute to The Wizard of Peeps.

Now finally an adaptation that won’t traumatize your child.

17. See Moses parting the Red Sea from Cecil Peep. DeMille’s The Ten Commandpeeps.

Always loved it when Charlton Peepton said to Pharoh, "Let my peeple go!"

Always loved it when Charlton Peepton said to Pharaoh, “Let my peeple go!”

18. Watch the Peaple’s enter Peeperland via the Yellow Submarine.

I suppose not everyone has actually seen the film, have they? Still, “We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.”

19. So this is what bunnies do when they get drunk.

Still, I don’t know if the bunny is completely sober at the karaoke bar.

20. Watch a dramatic reenactment of the Boston Peep Party.

I hope this historical moment didn’t give rise to the Peep Party Caucus centuries later.

21. Who could ever forget Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber on Peep Street.

Seriously, I don’t think the other bunnies might not want to know what’s in Mrs. Lovett’s marshmallow pies.

22. No one could ever resist a diorama of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds with Pippi Hedren.

I don’t like the look of black chicks on the jungle gym. I hope Pippi doesn’t get pecked to death.

23. Of course, even peeps have their reality shows like Jersey Peepe.

Unlike the real show, this isn’t nearly offensive to people in New Jersey. I also love the yellow bunnies’ tans. Thankfully the real show is cancelled.

24. Another hockey night with Pittsburgh Peepguins at the Consol Energy Center.

A Pens fan had to have done this. Of course, I don’t know who the person holding the Crosby’s Crispy sign is rooting for.

25. Nevertheless, we have to acknowledge that some peeples did practice peeple sacrifice.

I’m sure the Pre-Columbian peeples have their own rationale for doing this. Of course, they believed such activities ensured their survival.

26. You should also know that even peeps celebrate Festivus.

Here you see the yellow peeps criticizing each other, the red peeps erecting a bare pole, and the purple peeps preparing the feats of strength.

27. Of course, we can all agree that Harry Peeper is one of the greatest wizards who ever lived.

Now I think the Deathly Mallows is the last book of the series.

28. In an old house in Paris that was covered in vines, lived twelve little peeps in two straight lines.

Now I can’t tell which chick is Madeline.

29. Nobody can’t resist the childhood story of Goodnight Peeps.

Almost looks the same as in the Margaret Wise Brown story, which also involved rabbits.

30. Prepare for adventure in Indiana Peep and the Quest for the Golden Bear.

The natives don’t seem too happy with him. Of course, he probably destroyed their entire temple just to obtain that little trinket since “It belongs in a museum.”

31. If there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya’ gonna call? Ghost Peepers.

Of course, a peep diorama of Ghostbusters has to include the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy.

32. Remember the Alamo as done by the peeps.

Of course, this was the battle we lost Davy Chickett and James Bowpeep who invented his big ass knife.

33. Somehow peeps don’t seem to care for Chick-Fil-A for some reason.

Rather these chicks may think it’s better you eat at Steak n’ Shake.

34. It’s a fight to the death when Katniss reaches the Cornucopia.

You know this is about the Hunger Games. And no, the Cornucopia didn’t look like that in the book or the movie. Still, it’s pretty funny.

35. The Romneys might want to consider a dog kennel when they go on a family vacation.

I may think Romney is a steaming turd of a human being but I love this diorama. I especially like the dog on the roof of the car.

36. A peep show wouldn’t be complete without a US Civil War reenactment of some sort.

This diorama depicts a scene from 1861 Alexandria, Virginia which shows the deaths of Col. Elmer Ellsworth and Secessionist James Jackson at the Marshall House. These were said to be the first deaths in the US Civil War.

37. Occupy Peep Street: We are the 99%.

Sometimes you can only piss off a peep so far before they snap. Of course, this represents a whole generation screwed over by Wall Street.

38. Who could ever forget the hardships faced by the Joad family in The Peeps of Wrath by John Steinbeck?

Of course, this is the scene where they bury the old grandpa in Oklahoma. Things don’t get much better for them in California though.

39. Because even peeps can get crazy at parties.

I don’t like The Girls Gone Wild series because of how it treats its subjects. However, I think this is a clever parody.

40. You better watch out for Peepzilla.

As if the peeple of Tokyo hadn’t been through enough giant monsters.

41. Even peeps love to have a good time at Mardi Gras.

Well, I had to post a diorama for Mardi Gras somewhere. I mean it’s the start of Lent here.

42. Who can ever forget this iconic scene from Star Peep: The Original Series.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Star Peep Enterprise. It’s mission: to seek out new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no peep has gone before.

43. A rendition of the iconic Nightpeeps by Edward Hopper.

They seem so friendly with each other do they?

44. Of course, every dinner has to have it’s share of crashers, even a White House state dinner.

Still, its cuter than the real thing. And the White House looks as resplendent in the background.

45. No Disney trip would be complete with out It’s a Small World ride in the Magic Kingdom.

Believe me, this diorama is much less creepy than the real thing.

46. I don’t think protesting the winter weather is going to help, peeps.

Still makes a good diorama though.

47. Oh, look, Sergeant Peeper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

So let me introduce to you, the one and only Billy Shears, and Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

48. Here’s a rendition of St. Bunidickt at the beach.

For those at Saint Vincent College, this is for you.

49. Even for peeps, it’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

Courtesy of The Village Peeple. Love their outfits.

50. Seems that these bunnies don’t like figs for some reason.

I mean they’re burning fig newtons for crying out loud.

Never Judge a Book by Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 25, 2014

Since last week, I have sent my manuscript for Cascade to a few independent publishers and have yet to hear from them. As of right now, I’ve sent it to six in which four have reported on receiving my submission. Yet, in the meantime, perhaps I can brush upon the importance of presentation. Of course, we’ve been told not to judge a book by its cover, but sadly many would-be buyers do since the title and cover design do have significant marketing value. I can go on with all the great presentation with the book titles and covers that sell, but it would be boring so I’m posting the titles and covers which would turn off potential buyers or at least make the book seem like a joke. Also, these are unintentionally hilarious. Still, at least I have the title covered. So without further adieu, here’s a collection of book design fails that you don’t want to miss. (I’m using covers from mainstream publishing not vanity or self-published stuff on Amazon because it wouldn’t be funny.) Some of this content may not be safe for work.

1. Still Stripping After 25 Years by Eleanor Burns

Seems like a sprightly old lady doesn’t she? Also, I’m sure women who’ve been stripping for 25 years look more or less like one of those women on Real Housewives but significantly poorer.

Please don’t be somebody’s grandma.

2. The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories by Alisa Surkis and Monica Nolan

I mean c’mon, please. I’m there are equine enthusiasts who happen to be lesbians but I’m not sure if they’d be into such a story.

For those who couldn’t get enough of Lynne Cheney’s western erotic lesbian novel Sisters.

3. Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete’s Handbook by Drew Magary

You know the title and the image sort of have a double meaning because all men have two balls in a sack but they don’t consist of a a soccer or basketball.

You know there are women professional athletes but I don’t think Women with Balls went so well.

4. Cooking with Poo by Saiwuud Diwong

Also, what’s with the shitty title? Still, looks like a normal ethnic cookbook. Wonder what her PBS cooking show would be like.

Either it consists of burning it or using it as an ingredient. I don’t want to know.

5. The Best Dad Is a Good Lover by Dr. Charlie Shedd

Seems like a relationship advice book for single mothers. Let’s sure as hell hope it is because I have a squicky feeling about the title.

As long as your dad and lover aren’t the same person in your life.

6. The Loneliest Ho in the World written by Travis Heaton and illustrated by Gary Andrews

In the adult book world The Loneliest Ho in the World would be about something not so innocent. Moreover, it wouldn’t have anything to do with Christmas.

This was probably created on a bet to see if who can come up with the most unintentionally inappropriate title for a children’s book.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery

Besides, I don’t think knitting with your dog’s hair is possible unless it’s one of those long haired sheep dogs.

I don’t think Fido is impressed with his new hat.

8. Goodbye Testicles by Anne Welsh Guy

Guaranteed to incite horrors among young boys worried about getting their balls cut off. Also, one of the few children’s books having the word “testicles” on the cover.

Just what I need for my younger cousins. A book about why we need to spay and neuter our pets.

9. Autism’s Politics and Political Factions: A Commentary by Thomas D. Taylor

In some ways, this is kind of offensive to people who actually have autism as well as a disappointment to gun enthusiasts.

Yet, you wouldn’t know it from the picture of the multi-barreled antique pistol shown.

10. Papa’s Problem: A Novel by Patrick Kendrick

And this got a Florida book award. Why, Florida? Why?

Let me guess, he owns a homicidal neo-Nazi rooster.

11. Isabella’s Last Gift by Laura Lawrence

Seriously what’s with the penguins among igloos and evergreens? They live in Antarctica, goddammit!

Either this is a romance novel or a children’s book involving penguins.

12. Sleeping with a Wall Street Banker by Marlene Morgan

Makes Wall Street Bankers seem a little on the homicidal side these days.

Looks like a fanfic spinoff of American Psycho to me.

13. Power of Positivity by Fred L. Von Guten O. D.

Looks more appropriate for a Gothic horror story than anything or a sci-fi fantasy book.

Yeah, that cover sure looks pretty positive doesn’t it?

14. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Takes all the dramatic tension out of it. And believe me, I read this book in high school.

I know this book is depicting the scene when Raskolnikov murders the heartless pawnbroker but I think it’s best left to the imagination.

15. Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Those who are living under a rock will be very disappointed when they find out this isn’t a science fiction story akin to Star Wars.

Wow, didn’t know that Oz had fighter jets.

16. Computer Programs for the Kitchen by Terrence F. Dicker

Oh, and you sure wouldn’t be able to find recipes on that model which looks older than I am.

As if computer programs are really necessary for cooking.

17. Computer Sex Input by Deena Cross

Now we know how Robocop was conceived. Good God.

A computer-woman romance novel. Now I’ve seen everything.

18. Tarzan by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Hmm….Tarzan and monkey in cave alone with a bow and arrow stash. Wonder whether the monkey will either be eaten or worse.

Tarzan looks a little too friendly with that monkey.

19. It’s Easy to Play Classical Themes arranged by Cyril Watters

I don’t like the look of this set up. Seems like Beethoven has something dirty on his mind with that kid on his lap.

I don’t think you should trust Beethoven with your kids. You really shouldn’t.

20. The BIG Coloring Book of Vaginas written and illustrated by Morgan Hastings

Of course, I’ve heard about The Vagina Monologues but this is ridiculous. No way in hell do I want to give this to any kid.

Worst coloring book idea ever.

21. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

And boy would many guys be disappointed once reading it, or not.

I’m not sure if this book depicts a naked girl or not. Is probably appearing there to get a certain demographic who’d read anything with a naked woman on the cover.

22. Ooozing for My Lord by Betty Carolyn Hearon-Love

Looks like it if you’re jerking off for Jesus. Sorry but if there’s any seemingly inappropriate connotations in the title for anything to do with Christianity, I’m putting it on there, baby.

So does this mean that masturbation is okay now?

23. How Green Were the Nazis? Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich edited by Franz-Joseph Bruggemeir, Mark Cioc, and Thomas Zeller

Not that I’d want to anyway because they were among the most brutal people who ever existed. So I’d really don’t care how they’d treat Bambi.

Well, other than starting a world war, a series of death camps for certain demographics, and a construction plan designed by a guy with massive delusions of grandeur, I really wouldn’t know how green the Nazis were.

24. Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale Power

Also, it’s quite easy to make a coffin. Just make a man-sized wooden box and put a dead body in it.

Those look pretty expensive to make. Besides, I don’t think these were made by amateurs.

25. Unlocking Your Bowels for Better Health by Salem Kirban

The cover says “Twentieth century living has taken a toll on man’s elimination organs. This book reveals how to restore normal healthy function again!” Wow and I thought it was about pooping and BDSM!

Somehow the lock and chain is a metaphor for constipation.

26. Do It Rhino Style: Magrogan’s Method to Rapid Goal Achievement by Dave Magrogan with Molly Nece

Besides, I don’t like the look of this guy. Seems like a member of an organized crime syndicate to me.

Not sure if this is a self-help book or a sex manual.

27. Zombie Raccoons and Killer Bunnies edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Kerrie Hughes

Only the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch can stop these critters now. Seriously, I can’t talk about this cover without bringing up Monty Python jokes up. Of course, raccoons do spread rabies though.

Oh, I think Monty Python killed the effect of this title as far as the killer bunnies go. “What’s it gonna do? Nibble my bum?”

28. The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy

Of course, he could be a time traveler and use this as a cover nowadays.

I’m sure the Scarlet Pimpernel was a 18th century caper saving French aristocrats from the French Revolutionary rabble, not a contemporary businessman with a cat.

29. The Practical Pyromaniac by William Gurstelle

Wonder how many arsons this book inspired. Perhaps this is a go-to guide for arsonists.

Great, now a book about setting things on fire.

30. How to Shit in the Woods by Kathleen Meyer

Of course, the cover seems to say it all. All you need is a roll of toilet paper and a shovel as well as some place where the sun doesn’t shine on your ass.

A great book to take on any long term hiking trip with no bathrooms along the way.

31. The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Of course, this make perfect sense if you believe in that sort of thing.

As if you’ll be having sex after you’re dead. Seriously who writes this shit?

32. Games You Can Play with Your Pussy: And Lots of Other Stuff Cat Owners Should Know

Of course, I don’t see how you could play chess with your cat. Also, the title is so inappropriate.

This is for cat owners, not female masturbators.

33. Scouts in Bondage by Geoffrey Prout

And this is an old children’s book to add to the irony. Really, the cover seems kind of gay and disturbing.

Now I wonder why the Boy Scouts seem so homophobic. Course, there seems to be plenty of BDSM sexual action as far as the cover shows.

34. Anybody Can Be Cool…But Awesome Takes Practice by Lorraine Peterson

Seriously, this looks like some sort of 1990s stock photograph or something. Written by the woman of If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?

I’m sure the teenagers posing for the obligatory diversity shot certainly didn’t want to be seen with the blond douche.

35. The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

One of the most sexually explicit Christian book covers I’ve ever seen. I mean the two naked people are literally having sex in church which is okay if you’re straight married and not using artificial birth control as far as this book is concerned.

I’m sure the priest in the confessional is not too happy since he probably won’t be getting any.

36. Under the Mantle: Marian Thoughts from a 21st Century Priest by Donald H. Calloway MIC

Also, the sunglasses and surfboard really don’t help things either. Seriously, who gets away with this shit?

I think this priest needs a better title for his book, preferably one without the sexual connotations. I mean he’s supposed to be celibate here.

37. Little Bobby’s Drunk Again by Herbert Biddleman

Sure hope Bobby doesn’t get liver cirrhosis at a young age. Or worse. Also, who the hell is giving him drinks?

Is this a children’s book about juvenile alcoholism or what? Seriously who writes this shit?

38. The Princess Bride by William Goldman

The cover depicts something you’d see from an erotic sci-fi novel, not what inspired a family friendly fantasy film.

I’m sure Buttercup was never a Sucubus. Seriously.

39. How to Make Money in Your Spare Time by 673126 (Note: author’s pen name)

I mean just look at the author’s name. It’s his prison number for Christ’s sake.

Okay, there are plenty of good ways to make money in your spare time. Being a hitman isn’t one of them.

40. Cooking to Kill: the Poison Cook Book concocted by Prof. Ebenezer Murgatroyd with comic drawings by Herb Roth

This would’ve came in handy for those two sweet little old ladies in Brooklyn, you know, the ones who poisoned old gentlemen callers through the elderberry wine.

Just add salt, pepper, and good old fashioned arsenic.

41. How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer

Of course, in some situations at sea, you might want to welcome the presence of a huge ships. At least they’re one of the nice things to see in the remotest corner of civilization.

Great, something everyone needs if they’re a fugitive at sea.

42. They Did It with Horses a scrapbook of photos from the Philip Weber Collection

Anyone anticipating pictures of people having sex with horses will be sincerely disappointed looking in this one.

Sure the cover of a horse drawn carriage is nice but the title is mildly suggestive of bestiality.

43. Down Home Gynecology by Dr. Martin and Mary Sue Jaffee

And what’s with the naked woman silhouette on the cover? Jesus Christ!

Sorry, but I don’t want to know how I can do my own pap smear.

44. How to Succeed in Business without a Penis: Secrets and Strategies for the Working Woman by Karen Salmonsohn

Of course, this is a book for the working woman, not the working eunuch who may not have a penis either.

Sheryl Sandberg may not be the most reliable self-help guru to women in the workplace but at least she chose a better title than this woman.

45. Teach Your Wife to Be a Widow by Donald I. Rogers

Of course, if you teach your wife to be a widow, she may become a black widow if you succeed.

Such a sexist piece of advice from the 1950s.

46. How to Get a Teenage Boy & What to Do with Him When You Get Him by Ellen Peck

The go-to guide for all Mrs. Robinsons everywhere. For instance, make sure he’s 18 or else you may risk being arrested on statutory rape.

Surely the girl on this cover surely doesn’t look like a teenager.

47. The Torture Device Coloring Book by Erik C. Ruhling

Hey, at least it doesn’t have any sex organs you can color. Still, this is disturbing. Torture devices, seriously?

A coloring book only Dick Cheney would love.

48. Are Your Children Playing with Lucifer’s Testicles? The Truth about Easter Eggs by Dr. Daniel Cameroon

Fundamentalist Christians: Taking the fun out of everything since, well, ever. At least the Puritans drank and smoked for God’s sake. Next thing they’ll say is that Christmas is too pagan or something like that.

Now out of all the Christian titles I’ve seen this one is totally fucked up. I mean the guy’s talking about the sinfulness of Easter eggs for God’s sake!

49. Matilda Who Told Lies and Was Burned to Death written by Hillaire Belloc and illustrated by Steven Kellogg

Seriously guaranteed to make children shit in their pants and never tell a lie again. Yeah, right.

Hmm…makes A Series of Unfortunate Events more upbeat for some reason.

50. Virgin Heat by Laurence Shames

I mean what else could a cute little kitty in a ring of fire could mean metaphorically? Or something about a virgin getting horny for someone.

Makes me wonder that what inspired June Carter Cash to write “Ring of Fire” was a yeast infection.

51. The Doom Pussy by Elaine Shepard

What do you mean it’s about Vietnam? I sure as hell wouldn’t know.

This has to be porn. Really, this has a very dirty title.

52. Unanswered Prayers by Penny Richards

Seriously, there’s nothing romantic having a couple pose framed at a crotch shot. It’s disgusting. Really disgusting.

Sure there’s nothing more romantic than having a picture of someone’s crotch on the cover.

53. Coyote’s Big Penis and Other Stories by Guy Mount

Seems like this whole cover appears unintentionally dirty for some reason. I don’t know why.

Isn’t the cover kind of suggestive here? You don’t need phallic imagery to tell us the coyote has a giant dong.

54. Got Cancer? Spring Break Gone Bad by James J. Gaudio

Hey, if this book doesn’t have anything about making meth, then I don’t want to read it. I’ve already seen Breaking Bad you know.

Read this guy was a chemistry teacher before he got cancer. I’m not naming names but who does he kind of remind you of?

55. Microwave for One by Sonia Allison

Still, at least the food would be better for you than ramen noodles and on a budget. This is pretty lame, though.

Because there’s more to microwave cooking than ramen noodles.

56. Invisible Dick by Frank Topham

Just so you know, dick is a boy, not a penis.

Now this is a children’s book that will incite a lot of shits and giggles.

57. The Long Journey of Mr. Poop by Angele Delanouis and Marie Lafrance

Seriously, why is a turd carrying a handbag and wearing a beret? Also, why does it have legs?

Great, now a children’s book about poop. Really shows how bad children’s book authors would go for creative ideas.

58. Forth on the Atari: Learning by Using Forth by E. Floegel

I’m sure a lot a people will be disappointed that the game won’t have as much eroticism than the cover. I mean, judging the contents of Atari games.

Who knew that 1980s video games can be so kinky? Neither did I.

59. Dump Him Marry the Cat

Of course, there’s another book called Dump Her Marry the Dog but I haven’t seen it.

I’m sure Mr. Whiskers would be happy to settle for a human woman and not anyone of his own species.

60. The Little People by John Christopher

I’m sure anyone who’s Jewish shouldn’t dare go after one in hopes of getting its pot of gold. Instead, find a Nazi leprechaun and a Jew may find him or herself in a concentration camp.

A novel on Nazi Leprechauns, now I’ve seen everything. Good God.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 5, 2014

Valentines Day has never been one of my favorite holidays but is nevertheless one involving card exchanges showing how much we love each other. Previous generations have done the same as well. Of course there are plenty of cute vintage valentines out there while some are kind of a bit, let me just say, strange and probably should never see a mailbox. Besides, may lead to the receiver wondering if their secret admirer has any account for taste or was the designer just on acid. So here is a look at some of the freakiest vintage valentines ever sent in the days of old.

1. Nothing brings the Valentine’s Day spirit than joking about flagrant white supremacist violence on black people.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I’ve ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine’s Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn’t very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

2. Nothing says “Be Mine” in the sincerest form than in armed intimidation.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

3. Of course, nothing tells your valentine how sweet they are than card depicting a girl in a flaming cauldron.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I’m not sure if any of us would want to be told we’re sweet enough to eat.

4. Nothing says, Happy Valentine’s Day than saying you’re planning to skin your beloved’s head and offend Native Americans.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I’m so sorry.

5. Nothing says, “Be Mine” than treating your beloved like cattle.

I’m not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I’m not a cow and branding is for cattle.

6. Finally, nothing says “Be My Valentine” than your willingness to be fried and served over easy.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

7. Hunting out for a Valentine, willing to settle for bear.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

8. Somehow this valentine highly suggests whether you’re either willing to abduct or just a big devotee of 50 Shades of Grey.

And it’s even more disturbing since it’s a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

9. Nothing says “Be Mine” than a valentine depicting prehistoric assault.

Somehow I don’t see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy’s dwelling as anything romantic.

10. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than saying “Be mine or I’ll kill myself.”

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

11. Happy Valentine’s Day from Captain Sex Offender.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you’ll like it or not.

12. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Horny Mad Scientist Vampire.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

13. Nothing shows your love on Valentine’s Day than running over your sweetheart.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I'm sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I’m not sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

14. Happy Valentine’s Day from the creepy kid putting his heart on a platter.

So how is this a Valentine’s Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

15. Nothing depicts the spirit of Valentine’s Day more than a child ice skating with his humongous shaggy dog.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man’s best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

16. This says: “Be Mine” or else I’ll rip your teeth out.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don’t submit to sender.

17. Nothing says “I love you” to your sweetheart than suggesting that they’ll go after you with a hammer if you ever try seeing someone else.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

18. The best way for your sweetheart to be yours is sending a valentine of a creepy clown.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don’t think this will help.

19. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than a valentine depicting a creepy girl.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that’s not cute at all.

20. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than saying that you’ll do whatever the say.

Jesus, lady, I know you’re a waitress but please get a life.

21. Nothing gets in the spirit of Valentines Day than a valentine of a rabid sheep.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

22. Give your sweetheart a valentine of a gangster with a loaded gun and they’ll know you mean business.

And you don’t want to say no to a gangster, do you?

23. A great way to tell your valentine that they’re a hunk of heart of burning love for you.

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That’s insane!

24. If you want to send love to your valentine, then tell them through your ventriloquism.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time. It will certainly give you nightmares.

25. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than a card showing one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

26. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than your willingness to be held at the stocks in public humiliation.

I hear a lot about “taking stock” but this is ridiculous.

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy stuck in the ice cube.

I’d much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don’t think he can just “thaw out” though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can’t describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can’t I?

28. I knew that Dorothy had it in for the Tin Man.

Please, I don’t want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

29. You know your dog loves you if he farts in your face as a valentine.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

30. Happy Valentines Day from the person who caught a contagious heart disease from you.

Hmmm….perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don’t let me guess how it’s spread.

31. Happy Valentines Day from the squirrel who wants to kidnap you.

Because he’s so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

32. Nothing says I’ll be your valentine than agreeing to be their mindless mook they don’t have to care about.

Let’s just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it’s never innocent. Also, you don’t want anyone to be your dictator.

33. Happy Valentines Day from the creepy child in the nail seat.

He’s probably screaming from a sore asshole.

34. Happy Valentine’s Day, and you’ll be sure you see the point from my Swiss Army Knife.

I’m not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

35. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a young girl suggesting you to do BDSM with her.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I’m not sure this is innocent.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from the worm in the rotten apple.

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

37. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a not so innocent reference to bestiality.

I'm sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her steers or bulls a little too much for her own good.

I’m sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her little doagies a little too much here.

38. Happy Valentine’s Day from cute artist or creepy psycho killer child with creepy dog.

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

39. Happy Valentine’s Day from Cupid selling the barbecue hearts special.

Something tells me having one’s heart on a platter really doesn’t suit my stomach right now.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from scary and offensive Chinese laundry man.

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

41. Happy Valentine’s Day from creepy old dude who may look like Satan.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day now be my puppet.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

43. And you thought your doctor was a creep.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

44. A valentine that shows how much you’re willing to hammer it in.

I’m not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from the dog gunner with a heart shaped machine gun.

Be his or he’ll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

46. Nothing says “Be my valentine” than seeing someone willing to eat fire for you.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I’m not sure if I’d like someone do that for me.

47. Happy Valentine’s Day from the mad cow.

And that cow certainly looks like there’s something wrong with it. And please don’t feed me its brains.

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your sweetheart or friend with benefits.

Something tells me that “screwy” may not have innocent connotations here.

49. Happy Valentine’s Day from the butcher.

And yes, he’s got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you’re not a vegetarian or vegan or he’ll cleave you.

50. Happy Valentine’s Day from Satan.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 18, 2013

Of course, we have vintage Christmas cards all that seem to appear as works of art and hearken to more simpler times. I mean who just can’t resist a card from the olden days before all those crazy Christmas cards with the awkward families and fart jokes. Christmas had a sweet innocence then. Yeah right, because as history major, you eventually learn that nostalgia is overrated. Many either seem to bring sentimental and fond memories of an earlier to your grandparents or perhaps nightmares to your kids. Not to mention, some may also bring great offense to your racial minority friends. And with some you may wonder whether the 1960s drug culture actually began in the 1960s. Still, I can go all I want with the lovely artistry, the cute little kids, and whatever but I know beauty is subjective while it is easy to tell which vintage cards are not ones you’d want to send to your relatives. Now without further adieu, I present to you some of the strangest, tackiest, and creepiest vintage Christmas cards around.

1. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” than Santa lending a hand to a woman who’s wasted.

And there’s a dog getting a niff of the stuff.

2. Of course, some people don’t believe in Christmas but that doesn’t mean they belong in these categories.

Seriously, I think some of these guys do celebrate Christmas. Besides, just because you don’t believe in Christmas doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

3. How is it possible to be all right after being in a snowman?

And with that face, I might be questioning that woman’s sexual preferences.

4. Haunted by devils or just hungover?

This guy is going to need therapy during the new year. Also, the skeleton ghost is pretty creepy, too.

5. Rolling an old guy into a large snowball, just nice.

As if harassing the elderly isn’t bad enough.

6. What’s with baking children in pies?

Seriously, can’t anyone see some hint of cannibalism here?

7. These little angels will possess your soul.

Seriously, these are angels? More like creepy little demons to me of every race, creed, and color, no less. Jesus, this is terrifying.

8. These frightful pigs bring tidings of good cheer.

And then kill you in your sleep in retaliation for eating their relatives.

9. Let’s just say, I don’t want to see Santa do ballet.

This is especially terrifying. The kids in this are especially creepy. Also, is that a French flag at the top?

10. Of course, Santa just listens on the party line to know who’s naughty or nice.

And he’s reveling in hearing your conversations like the NSA would.

11. No, you don’t want to be a little teapot.

Nor would you want to be in one either.

12. Of course, I tend to wonder whether Santa was the inspiration for Finding Bigfoot.

And Sasquatch hunters have been lost in the woods ever since.

13. I guess this boy didn’t want an emu for Christmas.

At least she didn’t get a hippopotamus for Christmas.

14. Don’t like the look of the yeti in this picture.

Mountain climber….mmm…..scrumptious.

15. Guess those kids really want those presents from Santa.

You better know they’ve been good this year, Santa, or else.

16. I have a bad feeling about this.

I can seriously hear Santa say, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”

17. I know it’s racist but I had to show this one.

Sorry, NAACP, but my collection of bad vintage Christmas cards wouldn’t be complete without a racist one. Still, at least I didn’t use all of them and I know there are a lot of them out there. This one of the least offensive which would’ve been perfectly fine without the racist depiction of a black lady.

18. This cat looks like it’s up to no good.

Cat looks like he’s high on something and I don’t think it’s catnip.

19. Aw, the jester served Christmas dinner to an unfortunate soul.

Unfortunately, he won’t be able to eat it. And when he can, it will be covered with rotten fruit and vegetables or else be rotten in itself.

20. So you mean Santa now has his headquarters on the moon?

Merry Christmas, from space. Seriously, if you have an engine, do you really need reindeer in spacesuits? Also, space igloo?

21. So Santa’s sleigh is pulled by turkeys?

Someone must be getting his or her holidays mixed up.

22. Dog with gun, what can possibly go wrong with that?

Wasn’t there an incident with a dog shooting its owner in Bowling for Columbine?

23. Sure we hung the carolers but they’re still singing.

Ornaments and candle flame must be pissed.

24. Santa brings home the bacon.

Well, he stole a couple of pigs from the elves. Naughty Santa. Seriously, who thought of this?

25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” than an armed frog killing for money.

Just when does amphibious armed robbery and murder have to do with Christmas? This is sick. Guess the dead frog will end up in someone’s biology class.

26. Watch for the spiderweb, cupid.

Else you’d end up as spider dinner, you naked ass angel.

27. For God’s sake what does a jellyfish have anything to do with Christmas?

I mean seriously this picture doesn’t make any sense to me.

28. Nothing like receiving “Seasons Greetings” by a disembodied dog head.

Kind of freaking me out.

29. Or so says the fox.

Saying is pretty good but it’s held by someone who could be from Fantastic Mr. Fox. Still, something doesn’t seem right having a fox hold up a sign.

30. “Peace, Joy, Health, and Happiness” from a mouse on a lobster.

What kind of designer came up with this disgusting idea? This isn’t cute. Maybe for adolescent boys or biology majors, but not for anyone else.

31. Guess reindeer didn’t fly efficiently.

So Santa had to use satellite engines, solar powered.

32. Santa with binoculars, don’t want to know.

I don’t want to know if he’s looking for me.

33. Don’t think this is appropriate for babies.

The lion is especially terrifying. Also, Noah’s ark, really?

34. Seems Santa’s legs are going up in smoke.

Also, why are kids sleeping near the fire. Must be under a carbon monoxide trip upon seeing a vision of Santa. Probably will kill them.

35. Little Santas must be high on eggnog or is it just the designers.

This just defies all explanation. Seriously, little Santas with holly hoops? That’s just freaky, man.

36. Merry Christmas courtesy of the Krampus.

As you might know, the Krampus is a creature known to punish bad children on Christmas. And it seems he’s got a whole legion of brats. He’s not supposed to be nice.

37. Santa always has a bunch of goodies in his sack for all the good girls and boys. Let’s see what he has here.

From Mashable: “Now then, children, let’s see what old Santa’s got for you. How about a Yoko Ono shield and spear set? Or a Punch mannequin? Or a spade? Or a gun?”

38. Be good for Santa Claus, or else!

Okay, okay, big guy. Put the gun down. No need to use any violence in the situation. Yeah, Santa has gone homicidal.

39. He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when your awake.

I’m having a really bad feeling about what Santa’s doing here. Yeah, I know the job is stressful but he doesn’t seem his jolly old self to me.

40. Merry Christmas, and remember not to piss off Santa this year.

From Mashable: “You know, people often ask me, ‘Santa, what do you do with the children who’ve been bad?’ Here’s the answer: I pretend I’m dead and beat them with a bunch of sticks tied up with a ribbon. Happy Christmas.”

41. Santa might have a big sack of toys but so little room for demands.

Yeah, I’m sure Santa Claus is thinking about getting some more sacks next year so he won’t have to stuff any toys in his boots. That can’t be comfortable.

42. Seems like Frosty the Snowman has a new girlfriend and a new holly mustache.

Not sure if I buy into Frosty’s new look. Doesn’t seem to have the same charm.

43. Sorry, kids, Santa has wrecked his sleigh so he might be a little late getting presents to you this year.

What baffles me is that he’s using a jalopy but it has nothing but trees in the bed. Seriously, shouldn’t toys be in there.

44. Seems like this kid can’t wait to open his presents.

My friends, that is a face of a future psychopath. Will probably grow up to be either a psycho killer or an executive on Wall Street.

45. Merry Christmas from the depressed snowman and the coated angel.

Okay, why are there shamrocks here? That’s for Saint Patrick’s Day. The designers really seem to have their holidays mixed up this year.

46. Season’s greetings from the walking robin family.

Wait a minute, robins usually don’t stay on during the winter, if my knowledge of birds is correct. They’re usually down south. Yeah, this is fucked up.

47. Merry Christmas from, wait, what the hell does a butterfly have to do with Christmas?

I really don’t get this. I mean this looks more appropriate Easter card, not Christmas. Don’t ask me.

48. Merry Christmas from your darling spider girl.

Yes, she’s cute. But come on, Halloween’s over already. Seriously, what the hell do spiders have to to with Christmas?

49. Hop along on Santa’s new ride, a shiny red flying bus.

Of course, the reindeer tagged along just in case the bus broke down or ran out of fuel. Unfortunately, this happened very often.

50. Seems like Santa has instilled child labor. So disappointed.

I’m sure Santa tends to put people on the naughty list for such horrible labor practices. Yet, uses kid labor himself. What a hypocrite.

On the Christmas Nutcracker

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 14, 2013

Of course, we’re all familiar with this Christmas figure from the Tchaikovsky ballet called The Nutcracker which kind goes in the same league with The Wizard of Oz or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Ditto, the music called The Nutcracker Suite. Still, they were said to be given as keepsakes to bring good luck to your family representing power and strength guarding it from evil spirits and danger. That is, according to German folklore. Anyway, while many may view nutcrackers as a festive Christmas decoration while others see them as creepy and demented. Still, though I can show you some of the many designs, I’ll just show you some of the strangest, freakiest, creepiest, and most demented nutcrackers around. So without further adieu, here is the list of freaky nutcrackers.

1. Remember the Wicked Witch of the West’s guards from The Wizard of Oz? Well, there’s a nutcracker of one of them.

And just as scary as the real thing in the movie.

2. Here’s a Peter Pan nutcracker with his doll fairy Tinkerbell.

Peter Pan is always creepy for me regardless of depiction (maybe not the Broadway one though).

3. And for your sweetheart in February, here’s a Valentine’s Day nutcracker.

This one makes me puke. If any guy gave me this, I’d say, “Hell, no!” One ugly nutcracker.

4. If you want to add an Asian flair, here’s a Sumo wrestler nutcracker.

This is actually pretty tacky, but might be offensive to the Japanese who are into sumo wrestling.

5. A hippie nutcracker will certainly bring you back to the 1960s.

And you better buy pot from him or he’ll start to play his trippy music. Then again, maybe the music’s not that bad.

6. Get a Boy Scout nutcracker to show your patriotism and support to these fine young men.

Gives me the creeps just looking at it. I wonder what the Boy Scouts think of these figures. Then again, they’re a more homophobic organization than the military so they probably deserve the creepy Boy Scout figures.

7. If you liked the fairytale, here is a frog prince nutcracker.

And here he is sitting on top of the head of the evil king.

8. Nutcracker Santa goes down a chimney.

And into your kids’ nightmares.

9. And here’s a nutcracker as Satan.

Doesn’t really look like he’d scare he hell out of you doesn’t he? Also, not very tempting.

10. Of course, you’ll always have to get a nutcracker set of KISS.

Or just variations of Svengoolie from MEtv who kind of looks like a fifth member minus the white makeup. Then again, I’m not sure if anyone knows who Svengoolie is.

11. Speaking of rock n’ roll, for those with a heart of burning love, here’s a nutcracker of Elvis.

Elivis? Looks more like Michael Jackson to me.

12. Didn’t know they had a nutcracker of Ivan the Terrible.

Or Vlad the Impaler, I don’t know which. Still, is this supposed to be Russian Santa because I don’t think he’s very jolly.

13. For your Christian friends, you can give them a nutcracker nativity scene.

Joseph doesn’t look too happy here. In fact, he seems pretty pissed off.

14. And here’s a nutcracker from Candyland.

And you better not rip on the way he dresses because he has a battle axe.

15. Also, here are two more Christmasy nutcrackers from the land of the Sugarplum Fairies.

Both of them look pretty creepy to me and a bit overdressed to suit my tastes.

16. What Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a nutcracker of Charles Dickens?

Doesn’t even look like him. More like a deranged Ebenezer Scrooge than anything.

17. And here’s a nutcracker with a bear on its head.

And I think the bear is less scarier than the guy it’s sitting on top of.

18. Looks like Dracula nutcracker looks very angry.

Because he’s so pissed off about Twilight, he’s spilling blood everywhere.

19. Verily, there’s a nutcracker of William Shakespeare.

Kind of creepy in his little fancy pants and balding head, I dare say. Or does methinks I protesth too much?

20. Let’s see Santa nutcracker show us his marionette.

Utterly demented. Seriously, Santa as puppetmeister?

21. Here’s a Dickensian nutcracker of a chimney sweep.

Who also abducts children in his spare time. Seriously, in the early Victorian days, it was young boys who actually cleaned chimneys naked. This guy only supervised the lot.

22. Fly away with aviator nutcracker.

I think I’ll take a pass. Seriously, he looks pretty creepy.

23. For all you ink enthusiast, here’s a tattooed nutcracker.

Intimidating, isn’t it? Not really.

24. Uncle Sam wants you to get this nutcracker.

Doesn’t seem to look very Yankee Doodle dandy, doesn’t he? Seems more willing to draft people instead.

25. For your Irish friends, here’s a nutcracker of a leprechaun.

And don’t you dare try to steal away his pot of gold from under him.

26. Black Forest nutcracker will get his presents this year.

Or else he’ll kidnap your children. Or is it the Dutch Santa, I can’t be sure of which now.

27. And of course, you have to have a Tchaikovsky nutcracker.

Sure he wrote The Nutcracker Suite but looks very threatening nevertheless, especially with the Mouse King in one hand and candle in the other.

28. How about a nutcracker dressed as a Christmas tree?

Looks like a nutcracker in drag than anything to me, especially with the beard.

29. Say hello to the jester nutcracker.

That will give you nightmares as you try to sleep.

30. And here are three glittered nutcrackers from the Candy Cane Forest.

Heard they got in some trouble with the Lollypop Guild. Oh, yeah, they harassed them while they were on strike.

31. And here’s a redneck nutcracker for those blue collar types.

And is willing to use a gun to shoot Bambi like a real one would.

32. Here’s a lawyer nutcracker that is well dressed with a top hat.

Or is he just trying to scare you as a mysterious figure in the snow.

33. Like nutcrackers, Pinocchio is made out of wood so shouldn’t he be a nutcracker, too?

And like many incarnations of Pinocchio (save Disney), it is utterly terrifying.

34. And who can’t be patriotic for having a nutcracker of America’s heroes?

At least he’s dressed like a real soldier but I don’t know about the camo.

35. When there’s something strange in the neighborhood, you have to call a Ghostbuster nutcracker.

Because the ghosts are more afraid of him as you’ll ever be of them.

36. And here’s some garden gnome nutcrackers.

Don’t really look happy, don’t they?

37. Get into a boat with a nutcracker fisherman.

Wouldn’t want to mess with his angling technique, would you?

38. Go down the slope with a skier nutcracker.

But don’t be surprise if he drives you to your death.

39. And here’s the nutcracker fairy ballerina.

But I don’t think I’d want to piss her off if you know what I mean. Still, perhaps Cinderella could do worse than having her as a fairy godmother.

40. Scottish Santa nutcracker doesn’t seem too happy.

But at least he’s not playing the bag pipes. Still, looks pretty pissed.

41. And here’s an Eskimo Santa nutcracker with a seal.

Actually it should be Inuit Santa. Eskimo is an Algonquin word meaning “eater of raw flesh.” Then again, many of the Northern tribes do and so would this one. Still, be glad he doesn’t come with a harpoon gun.

42. Paris shopping nutcracker always goes for the latest styles.

As far as freakiness goes, she kind of gives Cruella de Vil a run for her money, especially with the hair.

43. Be sure to rely on your friendly neighborhood police nutcracker.

Or else he’ll cuff you.

44. And here’s a lovely nutcracker of the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Could also pass as the White Witch of Narnia nutcracker if you’re a fan of C. S. Lewis.

45. What would Christmas be without a nutcracker of Mrs. Claus?

Looks more like a circus clown with pears to me.

46. You certainly don’t want to mess with the nutcracker queen.

And don’t you dare try to criticize her outrageous outfit.

47. And this little blue nutcracker seems royally pissed.

Could also be referred to as Attila the Hun nutcracker or Genghis Khan nutcracker.

48. Relive the tale of Robin Hood through these nutcracker figures.

The Robin Hood one is especially frightening.

49. And here is a nutcracker of the Wizard of Oz.

Looks more intimidating than the one from the movie, especially with the turban.

50. Play ball with this baseball player nutcracker.

Or else he’ll whack you with a baseball bat.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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