While the Baudelaires’ life at Prufrock Preparatory School isn’t great per se, but at least they’re trying to make the best of things. For one, they have Duncan and Isadora Quagmire as friends. They’re also working on to make the Orphans Shack more like a home. They make tap shoes to drive off the crabs while inside and use salt to ward off the fungus. Of course, they’re probably stealing stuff from the school for these improvements. But it’s not like they had any choice to live in the shit house (no, not that kind of shithouse. Though I believe the Baudelaires probably use one of those, too. Yet, Lemony doesn’t talk about how they went to the bathroom.)  But just as everything seems bearable, Count Olaf shows up. This time, he’s disguised as the new gym teacher Coach Genghis wearing a track suit, athletic shoes, and a turban. In the TV show, he even speaks in a Southern accent. Anyway, he’s looking for orphans to be in the in his fitness regime called Special Orphan Running Exercises or S.O.R.E. And somehow the Baudelaires seem to fit the bill. Also, he’s stroking Vice Principal Nero’s ego.

For his intro, I went with “The Brothers Come to Egypt” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. In the original version, the brothers go to Egypt for better food and provisions since there’s a famine in Israel. There, they meet Joseph who they don’t recognize. But he’s less than enthusiastic since they threw him in a well and sold him to slaver. In this version, I have the Baudelaires and Quagmires meet Count Olaf as Coach Genghis.

“Coach Genghis Intro”

Lemony Snicket:
Just as the Baudelaires began settling in
Nero showed up with a new coach for gym

Violet and Klaus:
We’ve added fixes to the Orphan’s Shack
With tap shoes
And some salt
It’s not all that bad
Yes, we occasionally had to go steal
But at least the Quagmires are here

Vice Principal:
I’d want all you orphans to meet

Count Olaf (as Coach Genghis):
I’m Coach Genghis your new gym teach

Duncan:
Hello, Coach

Isadora:
Welcome here

Violet:
Make yourself at home

Klaus:
Jesus Christ, Violet-
Hey, pull up a chair.

Count Olaf:
I came down to look at your legs
So I can try you out for my reg
The Baudelaires have
What I need
But the twins’ knees look pretty weak

Nero:
Perhaps, you’d join me tonight
At the auditorium
As I play my violin
For my evening fun

Count Olaf:
I would love to see your recital tonight
For screeching cats are always a delight

Perhaps one of the worst things the Baudelaires have to endure is the monumental insufferable red-headed brat Carmelita Spats. Though she thinks she’s the cutest, prettiest, and nicest girl in the whole school, she’s a mean, arrogant, snobby, and selfish girl who cares for nobody but herself. She demands people to respect and revere her despite doing nothing to earn such treatment. Nonetheless, she thinks she’s the center of the universe while the world revolves around her. Her spoiled personality makes her show no respect for her elders and those around her. Not to mention, she makes Harry Potter’s Draco Malfoy look like a Boy Scout in comparison. In A Series of Unfortunate Events, Carmelita bullies the Baudelaires for being orphans and calling them, “cakesniffers.” Hell, she even got most of the students to yell, “Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack!” Yet, out of the Baudelaire children subject to her torment, Violet has it the worst. Mostly because they’re in the same class. And Carmelita sat behind her where she’d lean forward, poke her back, and whisper “orphan” in her ear. This would cause Violet to lose concentration and forget to write some detail of Mr. Remora’s story. Fortunately she had Duncan pass her notes. Still, doesn’t help that Nero sends her to give message to the Baudelaires and insists they give her earrings for tips.

The song I picked for the ghastly and unpleasant Carmelita Spats is “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. The original version depicts how great the Puerto Rican Maria feels after falling for Tony despite how he’s affiliated with a rival gang against her brother. However, in this version, I have Carmelita reveal her delusional and enormous ego by singing of how great she is. While Violet is sulking due to the little bitch’s constant bullying in Mr. Remora’s class.

“I Am Pretty”

Sung by Carmelita Spats and Violet Baudelaire

Carmelita:
I am pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I am pretty and witty and bright!
And it’s shitty
That some don’t even think I’m right.

I am charming,
Oh, so charming
It’s alarming how charming I am!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I’m real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I am stunning
And entrancing,
You cakesniffers aren’t good for my curls,
For I am
The prettiest girl in the world!

Violet:
My God, it’s that bitch Carmelita
She’s seated in behind me in class
She’ll torment me every few minutes
She’ll lean in, whisper “orphan,” and poke my back

She thinks she’s all that
She’s really a pain
She makes my life hell
She drives me insane

When she pokes my back
I can’t concentrate
I can’t keep my notes
While I lose my place

Hey, Remora, sir,
Need a seat here
Put me far away
From Carmelita

Spiteful and rude,
Selfish and stuck up
Sadistic and cruel
For God’s sake, she sucks!

Carmelita:
I am pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

Students:
La la la la . . .

Carmelita:
I’m a sweetie
I am sunny,
I feel kindly and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

Students:
La la la la . . .

Carmelita:
See the pretty girl in that mirror there.

Violet:
Oh, my God please!

Carmelita:
Who can that attractive girl be?

Violet:
Please, Jesus Christ!

Carmelita:
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

Violet:
What a fucking bitch!

Carmelita:
I am stunning
And entrancing,
You cakesniffers aren’t good for my curls,
For I am
The prettiest girl in the world!

A typical day at Prufrock Preparatory School is quite a grind. As far as we know, students spend most of their day in a classroom with a teacher who lectures a pointless boring lesson. If you’re in the same classroom as Violet and Duncan, your teacher is the compulsive banana eating Mr. Remora whose concept of education consists of telling kids 3-4 sentence stories about his life which they have to copy down and are tested on. You also have to worry about Carmelita Spats acting up. If you’re in the same classroom as Klaus and Isadora, your teacher is the metric system obsessed Mrs. Bass who makes her students measure random objects that she brings to school each day. But none of them have it as bad as Sunny who spends her day at Vice Principal Nero’s office as his secretary because Nero didn’t know where else to put her. She’s obviously unqualified since she’s a baby who has to answer the phone, take dictation, and use a typewriter, all of which she totally fails at. Oh, and she has to make her own staples. And if you think they can look forward to the weekend, students can forget it. Though in the TV show they do have a sports team and its mascot is a dead horse.

A song I chose for the Baudelaires’ first day in class or administrative work is “Sit Down, John!” from 1776. In the original version, John Adams is asking the Continental Congress to vote for independence from Great Britain. But the delegates don’t want to since it’s so freaking hot outside as well as that they’re in a building with no air conditioning and wearing woolen coats and powdered wigs. In this version, I have the teachers telling the kids to settle down in class since I find noisy classrooms particularly unpleasant. And I have Vice Principal Nero telling Sunny to type fast and answer the phone properly, which she’s incapable of doing since she’s a baby.

“Shut Up, Class!”

Lemony Snicket:
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress! And by God, Violet and Klaus Baudelaire had useless teachers at Prufrock Prep, indeed, which you’d call a law firm. Violet’s teacher was the chain banana eating Mr. Remora whose concept of education consisted of telling kids 3 or 4 sentence they must copy down and are tested on. Klaus’s teacher was Mrs. Bass who’s obsessed with the metric system and whose lesson plans consisted of making students measure items random items she brings to school each day. Though their days were nothing compared to what Sunny had to deal with in Vice Principal Nero’s office, especially since she had to answer the phone and work a typewriter. Worse, they don’t even have weekends. Good God!

Mr. Remora:
Shut up, class
Shut up, class
For God’s sake, class
Shut up!

Mrs. Bass:
Shut up, class
Shut up, class
For God’s sake, class
Shut up!

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Students:
It’s ninety degrees
Have mercy, teach, please
It’s hot as hell in Prufrock Preparatory School

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Vice Principal:
I say type fast!
Type fast!
Answer the phone properly!

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Vice Principal Nero:
I say type fast!

Mr. Remora:
Shut up, class!

Vice Principal Nero:
Answer the phone properly!

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Students:
No! No! No!
Too many flies
Too many flies
But it’s hot as hell in Prufrock Preparatory School

Are you going to open up a window?

Can’t we compromise here?

Vice Principal Nero:
Type fast!

Students:
No, too many flies here!

Vice Principal Nero:
Type fast!

Mrs. Bass:
Oh for God’s sake, class, shut up!

Klaus:
Good God! I was really looking forward to class today.

Isadora:
You’ll be bored to tears by lunch time.

Carmelita:
Sir, you’re a bore
We’ve heard this before
Now, for God’s sake, Mr. Remora
Fuck you!

Vice Principal Nero:
I say type fast!

Sunny:
No!

Vice Principal Nero:
Type fast!

Sunny:
No!

Vice Principal Nero:
Answer the phone properly!

Students:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Vice Principal Nero:
I say type fast!

Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass:
Shut up, class!

Vice Principal Nero:
Answer the phone properly!

Klaus:
Will someone shut these guys up?

Isadora:
Never! Never!

At Prufrock Preparatory School, the most senior official we know about is Vice Principal Nero who you don’t want as an administrator. How he became head of that school I have no idea. But he’s basically what Donald Trump could be if he ran a boarding school and took up a hobby. He’s delusional and narcissistic about playing the violin which he does abysmally horrible. Doesn’t help at all that he makes the students sit in the auditorium for his recitals every evening. Students who fail to do so have to buy bags of candy for him and watch him eat it. Yet, he’s unable to see how bad he is or doesn’t care that his students don’t like his recitals when they have better things to do. Like homework, for instance. He treats the Baudelaires and Quagmires like shit, mocking them by repeating what they say in a high pitched nasal voice. Oh, and he adores Carmelita Spats despite she’s an insufferable brat and sends her on errands. Not to mention, his punishments are ridiculously harsh like taking silverware for showing up in his office without an appointment or tying hands behind students’ backs for being late to class.

A good song to describe his recitals would be “He Plays the Violin,” from 1776. The original version has Martha Jefferson sing about her husband Thomas whose accomplishments are just too long to list even then. I mean the guy basically wrote The Declaration of Independence. However, in this version, I have Duncan and Isadora Quagmire describe how terrible Vice Principal Nero’s violin talents are just abysmal and how they hate watching him for 6 hours every night.

“He Plays the Violin” (ASOUE Version)

Duncan:
Oh he always speaks his passions
He always speaks his views
Whereas other folks keep quiet,
Vice Principal Nero fumes
In truth I can recall
Ringing ears at the auditorium
Even now

Isadora:
He plays the violin
To all of the students’ chagrin
And he blows, oh he blows
But we go, yes we go
That it’s hi-hi-hi-diddle diddle
With screeches from Nero’s fiddle
My strings are awry
Hi-hi-hi-hi
I want to die

Duncan:
I hear his violin
And I get that feeling within
My ears bleed, oh they bleed
While he strains on the stage
And it’s hi-hi-hi-diddle diddle
For six hours straight with that fiddle
My strings are awry
Hi-hi-hi-hi
I just want to die

Isadora:
We only go to see
So we won’t buy candy
If we miss, he’ll be pissed
But he would, yes he would

For it was hi-hi-hi-hi-diddle diddle
While he makes us hear his fucking fiddle
And ever ’twill be
Hi-hi-hi-hi
Through eternity

He plays the violin.

To make a molehill out of a mountain, the Orphan shack is horrendous. It’s just a tin shack with hay bale beds, crabs teeming on the floor, fungus dripping from the ceiling, and horrendous lime green inner walls with hearts. Oh, and I’m not sure if it even has a bathroom with plumbing. But since they can’t live in the dorms, the Baudelaires are sent to live a terrible and humiliating existence. This makes them targets of bullies, particularly from the monumental red-headed alpha bitch Carmelita Spats who cajoles everyone in the cafeteria to chant, “Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack.” However, things aren’t all that bad on the Baudelaires’ first day. Since they meet two of the Quagmire Triplets, Duncan and Isadora whose parents also died in a fire along with a brother named Quigley. Nonetheless, the they all become fast friends and spend the afternoon in the library. Also, they can always find ways to improve living in the Orphan Shack.

The song I selected here is “Piddle, Twiddle, and Resolve” from 1776. In the original, American Founding Father and “obnoxious and disliked” curmudgeon John Adams lets out his frustrations over the Continental Congress in his efforts to persuade his fellow delegates to vote for independence from Great Britain. He complains how Congress hasn’t done anything in the last year as well as argues with his wife Abigail over saltpeter and pins, which he gives in. In this version, I have the Baudelaires look over the Orphan Shack and meet the Quagmires on their first day.

“Orphan Shack and Quagmires”

Klaus:
Dear God! We have to live in this tin shack? For a whole semester? This travesty?

Though I’d love to have a dormitory at Prufrock Preparatory School
The Orphans Shack accommodations are ridiculously cruel
There are no fresh fruit or a library
Beds are only bales of straw
The ceiling’s dripping fungus
Crabs are teeming on the floor

The pink hearts on the lime green walls
Good God, the look just makes me bawl

Violet:
At least we’re not working in that shitty lumbermill
Or have Count Olaf chasing us for our great big dollar bills
Perhaps I’ll invent some contraption
To ward off these wretched crabs
You can read up on ridding the fungus
Sunny can bite the paint

Klaus:
But first we must make sure what’s in it
Before she sinks her teeth

Violet:
Yes, we must take notes, study, and work hard
At least we don’t have Count Olaf
Take notes, study, and work hard
We can make it here in foul, fetid, fuming, foggy, filthy
Prufrock Preparatory School

Student:
Someone ought to open up a window!

Klaus:
Good God!

Seems like it’s time we need to go to the cafeteria
If we’re late they’ll take our cups and glasses out
I miss being in a real classroom
Can’t believe it’s been that long
There’s a massive lasagna waiting for us to take
Holy shit, that redheaded bitch has gotten in our way

Carmelita:
Don’t even think of eating at this track
If you’re living in the Orphans’ Shack
Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans’ Shack
Nobody will eat with you in foul, fetid, fuming, foggy, filthy
Prufrock Prepatory School

Duncan:
Why don’t you shut your fucking mouth?
Please.

Violet:
Thank you. We’re the Baudelaires. I’m Violet. That’s my brother Klaus and sister Sunny.

Duncan:
I’m Duncan Quagmire. This is my sister Isadora. So living in the Orphan’s Shack. So that’s why we got upgraded to a broom closet.

My passion is in journalism
Hers is poetry
Loud noises really scare the crabs
Though try to get some sleep

Isadora:
If you want to hear my poetry
I mostly write in couplet verse
I can read you an example, from my notebook if you prefer
Though watch out for Carmelita

She’s just the worst. As in “I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats.” How was that?

Klaus:
That was excellent.

Sunny (Translated babble):
Ain’t that the truth.

Isadora:
Thank you very much.

Duncan:
I can lend you books from the library.

Sunny (translated babble):
Show us sometime.

Violet:
We can tap dance while we’re in the shack. Nice to have twins around.

Isadora:
Uh, we’re not twins.

Duncan:
We’re triplets for we had a brother, Quigley born on the same day
Died in a fire with our parents
So he’s not here today
Once we’re eighteen we will inherit a fortune of sapphire gems
Though we’ve been the students’ target till you three moved in
Let’s finish our lunch fast we can to get library time in!

Carmelita:
Look at all those cakesniffers!
Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans’ Shack!

Students:
Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans’ Shack!

Duncan:
Less we see of her the better.

Klaus:
So where’s the library?

Isadora:
We’re close to it.

Duncan:
But we can only stay till five.

Violet:
Maybe things won’t be that bad.

Klaus:
Least we have friends and a wonderful library.

All:

Till then
Till then
This time
Was, is, and ever shall be

Ours
Ours
Ours
Ours
Ours

Violet:
Hope things stay this way.

Klaus:
And not in disarray.

After exposing Shirley as Count Olaf and Foreman Flacutono as the Bald Man with the Long Nose as well as getting fired from the Luck Smells Lumbermill, Mr. Poe sends the Baudelaires to boarding school. But unfortunately for them, they’re not going to Hogwarts. Instead, they’re enrolled in Prufrock Preparatory School which on the surface resembles the kind of place the Addams family would send their kids since the buildings resemble tombstones on a brown lawn in the middle of nowhere like it was designed by a “depressed architect” according to Lemony Snicket. Then again, Prufrock Prep probably the place the Addams family would’ve sent their kids if it boasted any form of excellence which it doesn’t. In fact, Prufrock exemplifies all the horrible and negative aspects of school. It’s pedantic with awful cafeteria food, bullying, and a motto denoting one’s inevitable mortality. Has biased and strict teachers playing favorites, giving tons of stressful homework and exams, teaching boring and useless lessons. And its administrator is a delusional and sadistic man with the maturity of a bratty seven-year-old. Yet, would punish students for the slightest infractions with glee. It’s said the school is likely meant to symbolize a place preparing students to die, “killing” their free will and independent thought and teaching them to become mindless workers who’d respect and submit to authority. On a positive note, the dormitories are apparently nice. But we won’t be seeing them because the Baudelaires are assigned to the horrendous “Orphan Shack” since they don’t have a parent or guardian to obtain permission.

For the Baudelaires’ introduction to Prufrock Preparatory School, I used “Ten Duel Commandments” from Hamilton. In the original version, Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr recite the Code Duello before gearing up to pose as seconds in one between John Laurens and Major General Charles Lee, which took place after the 1778 Battle of Monmouth. However, in real life, while this duel really took place and Hamilton was Laurens’s second (since they were best friends), but Burr wasn’t involved in the duel in any way. This would be first of 3 duels featured in the musical that are connected to Hamilton’s life.  In this version, I had Vice Principal Nero explaining the terms on how the Baudelaires could expect their life at Prufrock Prep.

“Ten School Commandments”

Faculty:
One, two, three, four
Five, six, seven, eight, nine…
It’s the Ten School Commandments

Faculty and Staff:
It’s the Ten School Commandments
Number one!

Vice Principal Nero:
To live in the school dormitory
A student must need parental permission

Faculty and Staff:
Number two!

Vice Principal Nero:
If they don’t, they live in the tin “Orphan’s Shack”
A tin shack with haybale beds, crabs, and orange fungus

Faculty and Staff:
Number three!

Vice Principal Nero:
Don’t go to the cafeteria late
Else you’ll be drinking
Your beverages from a plate
Which you’ll consume like a dog at feeding time
So come on time, and you’ll be fine

Faculty and Staff:
Number four!

Vice Principal Nero:
Everyone must attend my violin performances
Which last six hours a night in the auditorium
Miss one of these then you must buy me a large candy bag
And you’ll have to watch me eat it even if you gag

Faculty and Staff:
Five!

Vice Principal Nero:
We don’t enroll children under six
So Sunny will work in my office to assist

Faculty and Staff:
Number six!

Vice Principal Nero:
Always come to class on time
Else you’d have to eat like a dog as your hands are tied

Faculty and Staff:
Seven!

Vice Principal Nero:
Come to my office without an appointment and you will be forced to eat without silverware

Faculty and Staff:
Number eight!

Vice Principal Nero:
You don’t get to negotiate
Talk back to elders, you won’t get to set the record straight

Klaus:
Violet

Violet:
Klaus

Klaus:
Can we agree that this guy’s dumb and immature?

Violet:
Sure
But Nero has no answer for his words, Klaus

Klaus:
With his rules? We both know that’s absurd.

Violet:
Hang on, so Sunny has to work for Nero since she’s too young for school?

Klaus:
Though there’s no Olaf

Faculty and Staff:
Number nine!

Vice Principal Nero:
If Count Olaf comes on campus
Our security system will hand his ass
Then count

Faculty:
One two three four

Faculty and Staff:
Five six seven eight nine
Number
Ten places!
Fire!