Tag Archives: parody

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Hector”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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While Hector is a nice guy, he doesn’t exactly fit in V.F.D. like the Baudelaires. And he’s the only one who truly appreciates their company as well as willing to have anything to do with them. He doesn’t like many of the village’s rules such as those against mechanical devices, not harming crows, books breaking rules, and recreational biting. And he doesn’t like their form of punishments either like burning at the stake. However, Hector also has a self-sustaining hot air mobile home in his barn he’s working on to Violet’s delight. In addition, he keeps a secret library with banned books that has shelves to the roof. One day, Hector plans to unleash his hot air mobile home and leave V.F.D. and society forever. But for now, he and the Baudelaires are stuck doing the town’s chores as the residents don’t appear pleasant or polite.

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Here for Hector,  I chose “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast. In the original version, Belle is introduced as walking through the village with her nose stuck in a book. Yet, it’s clear that the town doesn’t really understand her or shares her interests. So it’s no wonder that Belle longs for more than a provincial life. Though you can say the same about Hector. In this version, I have Hector introduce the Baudelaires to their first day doing chores for V.F.D.

 

“Hector”

Hector:
V.F.D.
Such an awful village
Ev’ry day
Like the one before
V.F.D.
Full of little people
Coming down to say:

V.F.D. Residents:
Bonjour!
Bonjour!
Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!

Hector:
There goes the baker with his tray, like always
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Ev’ry morning just the same
Since the morning that I came
To this poor provincial town

Baker:
Good morning, Hector!

Hector:
Good morning, Monsieur.
Need anything done today?

Baker:
How about you and the Baudelaires load some bread into
My cart and feed my horses.

Hector: That’s nice. Baudelaires! The baguettes!
Hurry up!

V.F.D. Residents:
Look there he goes that man is strange, no question
Dazed and distracted, can’t you tell?

Woman:
Never part of any crowd

Man:
‘Cause his head’s up on some cloud

V.F.D. Residents:
No denying she’s a funny man, Hector

Man I:
Bonjour!

Woman I:
Good day!

Man I:
How is your fam’ly?

Woman 2:
Bonjour!

Man 2:
Good day!

Woman 2:
How is your wife?

Woman 3:
I need six eggs!

Woman 4:
That’s too expensive!

Hector:
There must be more than this provincial life!

Hardware Storekeeper:
Ah, Hector.

Hector:
Good day, sir. I’ve come to ask for some tools and supplies.

Hardware Storekeeper:
Replacements already?

Hector:
Well, I have some orphans under my care. You know the Baudelaires?

Hardware Storekeeper:
Came here yesterday.

Hector:
Yes, sir. Need anything done?

Hardware Storekeeper:
Well, I can use someone in the yard!

Hector:
Okay, Baudelaires, let’s go to and work
Mr. Woolworth’s yard! It’s within the next
Few blocks. You can’t miss it. I swear.

Hardware Storekeeper:
Here are the tools. That’ll be $50.

Hector:
All right.

Hardware Storekeeper:
Thank you.

Hector:
You’re welcome. Call me any time!

V. F. D.:
Look there she goes that man is so peculiar
I wonder if he’s feeling well
With a dreamy, far-off look
And his nights up in the barn
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Hector

Hector:
Oh, isn’t this amazing?
Got to see them fly in to town—you’ll see
There they are on the Fowl Fountain
But it’s not as impressive than at the Nevermore Tree!

Woman:
Now it’s no wonder that he’s quite handy
His skills have got no parallel

Shopkeeper:
But behind that nice façade
I’m afraid he’s rather odd

Man:
Very diff’rent from the rest of us

V.F.D. Residents:
He’s nothing like the rest of us
Yes, diff’rent from the rest of us is Hector!

Hector: Can you tell me a little about yourselves, kids?

Violet: Well, I like to invent things.

Hector: Rule 67 states, “no citizen is allowed to build or use any mechanical devices.” But don’t worry, I’m building something in my barn you might be interested in with stuff I was told to remove from the village. It’s a self-sustaining hot air mobile home.

Violet:
Thanks, Hector.

Klaus:
I like to read books. What does the library have?

Hector: According to Rule 108, “the V.F.D. library cannot contain any books that break any of the other rules.” So stock is limited. But I do have a secret library in my barn where I put all the rule breaking books I was supposed to remove.

Klaus:
What a relief. But your secret is safe with us.

Sunny: Bite!

Hector: Sorry, but “rule 4,561 clearly states that citizens are not allowed to use their mouths for recreation.” If the Council of Elders knew, I can’t imagine what they’d do. I’m sure we can find things to bite but you’ll have to do it in secret.

Sunny: Okay.

Violet:
Right from the moment when we came to live here
We almost thought we would regret
Yet, since you came to us
Told us about your stuff
So perhaps life in V.F.D. will be fine with Hector

Esme (as Officer Luciana):
Look there they go
Within the village
Along the streets
Those Baudelaires
Olaf, my dear
When will you get here?
So we can get all the Baudelaire children’s cash!

Woman 1:
Bonjour!

Esme:
Pardon

Hector:
Good day

Woman 2:
Mais oui!

Woman 3:
You call this bacon?

Woman 4:
What lovely grapes!

Man 1:
Some cheese

Woman 5:
Ten yards!

Man 1:
One pound

Esme:
‘scuse me!

Cheese merchant:
I’ll get the knife

Esme:
Please let me through!

Woman 6:
This bread –

Woman 7:
Those fish –

Woman 6:
it’s stale!

Woman 7:
They smell!

Men:
Madame’s mistaken.

Women:
Well, maybe so

V. F. D. Residents:
Good morning! Oh, good morning!

Hector:
There must be more than this provincial life!

Esme:
Baudelaires might want to prepare for strife!

V.F.D. Residents:
Look there he goes
The man is strange but special
A most peculiar handyman!

Women:
It’s a pity and a sin

Men:
He doesn’t quite fit in

V.F.D. Residents:
‘Cause he really is a funny guy
A handy but a funny guy
He really is a funny guy
Hector!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Nevermore Tree”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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That night, Hector and the Baudelaires get to know each other as well as the village of V.F.D., which as it turns out stands for the Village of Fowl Devotees. Also, it’s not an especially friendly town since they’re not keen on mechanical devices, banned books, and public biting. But Hector’s totally fine with it but that’s for another song (yes, I know I’m going out of order here). Anyway, while the Baudelaires are initially skeptical of the handyman (for completely legitimate reasons), they find he has nothing to hide when he produces a scroll with a couplet written by Isadora Quagmire reading:  “For sapphires we are held in here,/Only you can end our fear.” Obviously, this gets the Baudelaires’ attention but they’re not exactly sure what the couplet means or where the Quagmires are hiding. In fact, Klaus thinks their friends are hiding in the Nevermore Tree. But Hector tells them they can’t go there while the crows roost. So they wait under the Nevermore Tree for the night.

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Once again, I turn to Paul Simon with “Scarborough Fair” which he performed with Art Garfunkel. Now this is an incredibly old ballad from England dating to the Middle Ages which tells of a man who, through a third party, instructs his ex-girlfriend to perform a series of impossible tasks to win back his affections. Let’s just say, it’s quite clear that the guy doesn’t want his ex back. Though people thought it was about the Black Plague. In the Simon and Garfunkel version, Simon inserted some lines relating to an anti-war song he wrote in 1963 called “On the Side of a Hill.” In this version, I have the Baudelaires staying under the Nevermore Tree to find out what’s going on with the couplet and speculate where the Quagmires are.

 

“Nevermore Tree”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We are waiting at the Nevermore Tree
Hope the Quagmires send us a sign
They must be somewhere at V.F.D.
Though we’re not sure where they hide

Klaus (Violet):
Are they hidden in the Nevermore Tree (crow nested tree)
Hector found this couplet and rhyme
He said we can’t climb up the tree (blankets and pillows all through the night watch)
Since we don’t know where they hide (sleep shifts until dawn’ light)

Violet (Klaus):
Hector said the birds can’t be disturbed (why must we wait)
We must all keep watch all through the night (Olaf can move on us at any time)
Though Isadora sent two lines of words (on a scroll wrapped in a feather quill)
These may tell us where they hide

Klaus (Violet):
Will we see Duncan and Isadora again? (Olaf is somewhere out hiding)
Though we know they’re quite nearby (His cronies must be with him now)
We now don’t know how to find and save them. (they can be around V.F.D. among us)
The we’ll need to find where they hide

Klaus:
We are waiting at the Nevermore Tree
Hope the Quagmires send us a sign
They must be somewhere at V.F.D.
Though we’re not sure where they hide

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Murder of Crows”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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So the Baudelaires are sent to live with Hector who isn’t looked fondly among the villagers. Also, he doesn’t say much since he’s quite nervous in front of the Council of Elders. However, after the kids leave the Town Hall, Hector seems like a pretty cool guy who likes Mexican food. He also wants the children to watch the sunset because it’s spectacular when all the crows fly from the V.F.D. town proper to the Nevermore Tree, which happens to be just in his back yard. Indeed, the birds flying away to their nightly home is quite impressive to him and there’s a rather spectacular sunset on the horizon.

Hector

I went with Paul Simon’s “St. Judy’s Comet” with this one since it’s a more low key song about a wondrous sight. Though the original is about Simon getting his son Harper to sleep since he’s up way past his bedtime. In this version, Hector describes the sight of the crows flying to the Nevermore Tree at sunset and how he wants the Baudelaires to see how spectacular it is.

 

“Murder of Crows”

Sung by Hector

See that, Baudelaires
Do you know what time it is?
Well, the hour of the sundown’s
Coming fast

The crows fly to the Nevermore Tree
From the Fowl Fountain across the skies
They’re flying fast
Flying fast

Won’t you come see this murder of crows
Fly across the skies
Dotting the vast horizon
In its wake
Seeing that murder of crows
Always makes my night
After a long day

Baudelaires
Can you see all these crows fly
Baudelaires
Dotting all the twilight skies
Flying to Nevermore Tree for the night

The founders saw
These flying birds
I’m going to sing it three times more
The named our Village of Fowl
Devotees
Though I think their crow devotion
Can be ridiculous with all these rules
They enact

Won’t you come see this murder of crows
Fly across the skies
Dotting the vast horizon
In its wake
Seeing that murder of crows
Always makes my night
After a long day

Baudelaires
Can you see all these crows fly
Baudelaires
Dotting all the twilight skies
Flying to Nevermore Tree for the night

See that, Baudelaires
Do you know what time it is?
Well, the hour of the sundown’s
Coming fast
The crows fly to the Nevermore Tree
From the Fowl Fountain across the skies
They’re flying fast

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Cool, Cool, Considerate Men”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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In the seventh book The Vile Village, Mr. Poe sends the Baudelaires to the village of V.F.D. as part of the a new program where the village serves as the kids’ guardian. The kids chose V.F.D. since it’s an acronym associated with their friends Duncan and Isadora Quagmire who had previously discovered a secret associated with Count Olaf. The children hop on a bus to V.F.D. which is far off in the desolate deserted Hinterlands and without Mr. Poe’s supervision (unlike the TV show, he doesn’t even step foot in V.F.D. in the book). At some point, the bus dumps them off at some point because V.F.D.’s Council of Elders makes them, leading them to walk through a flat, dusty, landscape for miles. Reaching the Town Hall, they’re dirty, windswept, and sunburned. They also find their new village home covered in crows. Inside the Town Hall, they meet the Council of Elders who aren’t impressed by their appearances and proclaim the children do all of the village’s chores. They also meet new police chief Officer Luciana who’s able to speak on the platform while the Baudelaires aren’t. Not to mention, they’re sent to live with a handyman named Hector because no one else wants to take care of them. Oh, and did I say V.F.D. has a lot of ridiculous rules? Yes, they’re basically structured to protect the inhabitants against having to do or think about things that would make them uncomfortable.

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The song I chose here is “Cool, Cool, Considerate Men” from 1776, which is basically poking fun at conservatives, particularly those who weren’t too keen on declaring American independence or the Revolution. After all, they have land, cash in hand, and futures planned. Why risk it all for independence? After all, that would mean losing everything, leaving your family destitute, and getting executed. In this version, I added a few things regarding crows. Mostly because V.F.D. stands for the Village of Fowl Devotees.

 

“Cool, Cool, Considerate Men” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Council of Elders and V.F.D. Residents

Chief Elder:
Oh, say
Do you see what I see
Three kids standing here in sweet serenity

I could sneer
The reason’s clear
For the first time in a year
Dirty orphans here

And look
The sun is in the sky
A breeze is blowing by
And there’s not a single fly

I sing Hosanna, Hosanna
(Hosanna, Hosanna)
And it’s cool

Come ye cool, cool conservative men
Whose like we want to keep same and plain
We have land, cash in hand
Self-command, future planned
Fortune thrives, society survives
In neatly ordered lives
With well-endowered wives

V. F. D. Residents:
Come sing
Hosanna, Hosanna

Chief Elder:
In our breeding and our manner
We are cool

Come ye cool, cool considerate set
We’ll dance together to the same minuet
To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right

Let our creed
Be never to exceed
Regulated speed
No matter what the need

Come Sing

V.F.D. Residents:
Hosanna, Hosanna

Chief Elder:
Emblazoned on our banner
Is “keep cool”

With crow hats
Tightly latch
Everybody match

Esme Squalor (as Officer Luciana):
I have a new dispatch!

From the Precinct Captain of the Hinterlands District, dispatch number 1,158, to the honorable Council of Elders.

Dear sirs and madams,

Since the previous Chief of Police is unwell due to having swallowed pins, we are sending Officer Luciana as a substitute until we can choose a more permanent replacement.

Chief Elder:
Well, that checks out. Welcome to V.F.D., Officer Luciana. Anyway, let’s turn to the Baudelaire orphans who are going to stay with us and do all our chores. We’re open for questions.

Violet: Well, we’d like to ask a few.

Chief Elder:
Don’t speak while you’re on the platform square. This is for the residents. Ah, Mr. Lesko.

Mr. Lesko:
I’ve read the Daily Punctilio. I’m concerned that the Baudelaires will bring more trouble with them.

Klaus:
Well, we can’t help if Count Olaf shows up wherever we are. Maybe if you just listen to us-

Chief Elder:
Shut up! Baudelaires, in V.F.D., understand that guardians give children chores. Since we’re all your guardians, you do all our chores.

V.F.D. Residents:
What we do
We do rationally

Chief Elder:
We never, ever go off half-cocked
Not we

Council of Elders:
So you know
Always respect the crows

Chief Elder:
Don’t disturb the crows
Don’t step on their toes

So who wants to take these kids in
To give them food and roosting?

V.F.D. Residents:
We cool, cool men

Chief Elder:
Nobody wants to take in the Baudelaires? Well, Hector, join us in our minuet. Take the children to your digs.

Hector:
Whatever you say. But I feel a bit faint. Talking you just makes me nervous.

Chief Elder:
Okay fine
But before dismissal time
Let’s make a new guideline
To protect the orphans’ lives

Let’s make it Rule #19,833 stating that villains aren’t allowed on the premises.

Klaus:
Because not allowing bad guys has always worked in the past. Yeah right.

Chief Elder:
Shut up!

Violet:
Can’t you just let us speak?

Chief Elder:
Rules are rules, kid. We can’t make exceptions, can’t we? Long as you’re on the platform, shut your mouth.

Klaus:
But what about Officer Luciana?

Chief Elder:
We give exceptions to police officers. Now shut up! Long as you’re here you’ll follow our rules….

V. F. D. Residents:
To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right

Where there’s crows
Don’t step on their toes
Let them fly and roam
Since we make our town their home

Chief Elder:
I sing Hosanna, Hosanna
In a sane and lucid manner
We are cool

V.F.D. Residents:
We’re the cool, cool considerate men
Whose like we want to keep same and plain
With our land, cash in hand
Self-command, future planned

Where there’s crows
Don’t step on their toes
Let them fly and roam
Since we make our town their home

We expect you early in the morning
To do all our chores then

We cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)

Cool
Cool
Men!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Another Suitcase in Another Hall”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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At the end of the Ersatz Elevator, Jerome offers to take the Baudelaires to a safe place and forget about Count Olaf and their Quagmire friends. But Violet, Klaus, and Sunny have no intention of forgetting what happened and still want to find Duncan and Isadora. So Jerome tells them that if they’re determined to find Olaf instead of living with him, he can’t be their guardian anymore. Then he leaves after kissing each one on the forehead. While the Baudelaires are kind of hopeful about finding the Quagmires and having each other, they still don’t know where they’re going or who’ll they’ll end up with next. And by this point, they kind of expect the guardians or any adults in their lives to either die or totally fail them. So they must be kind of bummed here.

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I used another Evita song called “Another Suitcase in Another Hall,” which could be sung by Peron’s young mistress after Eva throws her out. Or Eva herself after being thrown out by some other guy. Anyway, the original version is about the girl getting dumped and being uncertain on where she’ll end up next. In this version, I have Violet reflecting on how her and her siblings always never in a place for long thanks to Count Olaf, of course.

 

“Another Suitcase in Another Hall” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Violet:
I don’t expect my guardians to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble, I anticipate it
But all the same, I hate it…
Wouldn’t you?

Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Another suitcase in another hall
Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Take our picture off another wall
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: We’ll get by, we always have before
Violet: Where are we going to?

Violet:
Time and time again I said that I don’t care
That I’m immune to gloom, that I’m hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Another suitcase in another hall
Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Take our picture off another wall
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: We’ll get by, we always have before
Violet: Where are we going to?

Violet:
Call in three months time and I’ll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I’ll survive anyhow
I won’t recall the names and faces of each sad occasion
But that’s no consolation here and now

Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Another suitcase in another hall
Violet: So what happens now?
Klaus: Take our picture off another wall
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: We’ll get by, we always have before
Violet: Where are we going to?
Klaus: Don’t ask anymore

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Goodnight and Thank You”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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After the doily incident, Esme dumps the Baudelaires which upsets her husband. Though Gunther offers to take the kids into his hands, which they really don’t want. Gunther is exposed as Count Olaf by slipping and falling on a doily which makes his boot fall off. Esme then dumps Jerome and runs off with Count Olaf, in an act that doesn’t surprise anyone. By the way, the doorman is revealed as the Hook-Handed man in case you forget. Yet, Count Olaf does threaten the Baudelaires that he’s still out to get them while Esme indicates that the Quagmires are in the red herring. All the while, people are slipping on doilies and each other while chasing the two, the Baudelaires are crying, and Mr. Poe intends to call the police, which doesn’t help anyone. At any rate, Olaf and Esme get away with the Quagmires.

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For this part, I decided to go with “Goodnight and Thank You” from Evita, since I think this is perfect Squalor breakup song. Sure Esme dumps Jerome rather quickly. But since it’s a musical, you need a perfect send off. The original version basically involves Eva using the casting couch to get what she wants and dumping multiple men once they serve her purpose. Though the real Eva Peron probably did use the casting couch at some points to become a famous radio actress, she was far from an outlier. Then again, you could say she had been pressured into that for some parts. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme give Jerome the boot.

 

“Goodnight and Thank You” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
You’ve completed your task
What more could we ask of you now?
Please sign the book on your way out the door
That will be all
If we need you, we’ll call
But I don’t think that’s likely somehow

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad that when a love affair dies
The parting, the closing of doors
But we must be honest, stop fooling ourselves

Lemony Snicket:
Which means “Up yours!”

Count Olaf & Jerome:
There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn’t an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on their partner

They’re hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don’t blame them
You’re the same

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
She’s in every magazine
Been photographed, seen, she is known
We don’t like to rush but your case has been packed
If we’ve missed anything, you could give us a ring
But we don’t always answer the phone

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies
But when we were hot, we were hot
I know you’ll look back on the good times we shared

Lemony Snicket:
But Esme will not!

Count Olaf, Esme, and Jerome:
There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn’t an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on their partner

They’re hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don’t blame them
You’re the same

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
We are grateful you’ve got
Guardianship of the Baudelaires
We’ll think of you once we steal their fortune
We’d love you to stay
But you’d be in the way
So do up your trousers and go

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies
The decline into silence and doubt
Our passion was just too intense to survive

Count Olaf:
For God’s sake, get out!

Jerome:
Oh, but this line’s an embarrassing sight
Someone has made me a fool
V.F.D. men call the sexual shots
Someone has altered the rules

Lemony Snicket:
Stealing kids’ fortunes is as far it goes
It’s all very well, but every girl knows
She needs a man she can monopolize
With fingers in dozens of different pies

Jerome:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Veblen Hall (Lovely Items)”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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The Baudelaires get to the “In” Auction at Veblen Hall to stop Count Olaf’s nefarious plan. Everywhere they look, they see so many useless “in” items along a huge crowd of people. They even run into Jerome Squalor and Mr. Poe who’s there to buy ocean decorations for his wife. The children try to convince Jerome to do them a favor to buy the V.F.D. box on Lot #50. Just as soon as doorman receives the large red herring statue, he alerts Count Olaf to skip Lot #49 to the box. A bidding war begins which leads to Jerome and Mr. Poe to eventually back down. Yet, Sunny bids $1000 and the Baudelaires win the lot. The children rush to the box hoping to rescue their friends. However, once they tear it open,  spilling Very Fancy Doilies fly everywhere. The Baudelaires are dismayed since they find a red herring, which brings a lot of dismay on Klaus. While the Quagmires are in that large red herring statue and are being loaded on a truck for a trip out of town.

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The song I picked for this is “The Docks (Lovely Ladies) from Les Miserables which is actually a more depressing song depicting Fantine’s descent into prostitution. But not after getting her hair cut and teeth pulled out for cash to help Cosette whom she perceives ill. But in reality, the Thenariders are just using Cosette to sponge off her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires arrive at the “In” Auction and the bid on the Lot #50 box.

 

“Veblen Hall (Lovely Items)”

Violet:
Parsley soda,
Pinstripes everywhere
So many useless items
At Veblen Hall are here

First Buyer:
Dirty children
What they’re doing here?
All covered in ashes
Can someone get them out there?

Jerome:
Sorry, but I thought they were all ill!

Crowd:
Lovely items
Innest stuff in town
Waiting for the customers
To buy them off the shelf
Lovely items
Ready for a bid
Check out that piano
That’ll cost a bit
Some stuff’s not even worth shit

Klaus:
Hello, Jerome,
Can you do us a small favor here?
We want a box
Inscribed V.F.D. please, sir
Bid on the lot

Mr. Poe:
Oh, hi, kids
No luck with your friends
We think they’ll at
Some kind of glue factory,
Just think of that!

Violet:
Why are you here?

Mr. Poe:
It’s for my wife

Count Olaf (as Gunther):
A big red fish.
Who wants to bid?
Who wants to start at twenty-six!

Crowd:
Lovely buyers,
Bidding on a fish
Price is getting higher
While they’re trying to outbid

Count Olaf:
Eighty, ninety
One hundred, I see
Do I hear one-twenty, or one-fifty, please!

Klaus:
Gunther’s Olaf, Mr. Poe, hear me!

Mr. Poe:
Don’t you bother me
I’m engaged in a bidding war
Besides, you kids
Shouldn’t hate foreigners

Five hundred bucks?
That statue isn’t worth that.

Count Olaf:
Sold to the doorman!

Hook-Handed Man (as Doorman):
Oh, thank you sir, here’s all the cash.
I’ll leave at that.

Mr. Poe:
How much does that guy earn?

Violet:
We’ve got bigger matters, sir.

Hook-Handed Man:
Oh, by the way, the three children are here.

Count Olaf:
Indeed, I see
Let’s skip to Lot #50.
Let’s start the bid.
For this large V.F.D. box

Jerome:
Take twenty-five

Mr. Poe:
I’ll bid on it at thirty-five

Buyers:
Forty! Fifty! Sixty-five! Seventy-five!
Eighty! Ninety!

Violet:
Come on, Jerome, raise a hundred more

Klaus:
Mr. Poe, you have cash to bid some more

Crowd (including Mr. Poe and Jerome):
One-fifty! Two-fifty! Three-hundred-sixty-five!

Mr. Poe:
Four-twenty!

Jerome:
Five-hundred-eighty-there!

Mr. Poe:
Sorry, children, but I don’t have the cash on me

Jerome:
Seven-hundred, kind of really steep

Sunny:
Thousand!

Count Olaf:
Sold out to the little lady in the back
Come on up and get your
New box while you’re apt

Esme:
Listen, children, give us the money now

Klaus:
Why don’t you stop keeping kids
In a cage or box, Count Olaf?

Violet:
Let’s now get the Quagmires out!

Violet:
Doilies, Doilies!

Klaus:
Red herring I fell

Voice:
That was Lot #48

Klaus:
I meant that metaphorical

Mr. Poe:
Children, children, what’s gotten into you
All of you are dirty
Buying things you cannot use
Thinking Gunther’s
Olaf in disguise
No you’ve made a great big mess
Of doilies on the floor
Watch out someone’s bound to
Slip on one and fall!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition Our Condition Was In)”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Thanks to Esme’s manipulations, the Baudelaires are now stuck in total blackness in an elevator. Sure they might’ve landed on a net but it seems like they’re screwed. Violet doesn’t have any tools to invent anything and can’t use the net since they could fall. But baby Sunny sees the pegs nailed in to keep the net together, which gives her an idea. So she starts climbing the shaft walls with her teeth as crampons (though she also uses her little hands in the TV show to cling to rods). Yes, it’s kind of unbelievable and worrisome for her siblings, but the Baudelaires don’t have any other options. Once Sunny reaches the penthouse, she gets the rope from Violet’s bed and slides down to the net. Since they know climbing up would mean going to the penthouse, the Baudelaires decided to climb down. Reaching the bottom, they take their welding torches and venture down a long, dark corridor, which leads to a trap door. The push the trapdoor up and find themselves at the charred remains of their old house and spook a passing mailman. Makes you wonder how the Baudelaire Mansion burned down, doesn’t it?

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I decided to go with “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition, which was featured in The Big Lebowski. Written by Michael Newbury, the original version is about the effects of LSD intended to be used as a warning to the drug’s dangers. Though I’m not sure if it was effective in 1967 since there are plenty of brown acid references in the Woodstock documentary. In this version, I have the Baudelaires trying to get out of the dark shaft and tunnel.

 

“Just Dropped In (To See What Condition Our Condition Was In)”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

(Yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition our condition was in)

Violet:
Went to Esme this mornin’ and we told her everything
She led us out of the large penthouse flat but then,
She pushed us through a shaft about 2 miles high
We hit the net as she gloated by
We just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in

(Yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition our condition was in)

Klaus:
Sunny pushed herself from a deep dark hole climbing up the shaft
I watched her crawling out with her biting teeth
It’s just so dark I cannot unwind
She got the rope for a downhill climb
We just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in

(Yeah, yeah, oh-yeah, what condition our condition was in)

Violet:
We climb down through the hole to the rock bottom of the ersatz shaft
We took up the welding torches and headed down the dark corridor
We pushed out the trapdoor and found our home
We spooked a passing mailman who thought we’re ghosts
We just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in

We said we just dropped in to see what condition our condition was in
Yeah yeah oh-yeah

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “I’m No Good”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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That morning, the Baudelaires go from the library to Esme who’s set to take them to the auction at Veblen Hall. They tell her everything like V.F.D., the Quagmires, and who Gunther really is. At first this seems to go well. Esme seems to listen and doesn’t tell them to shut up or that they’re making stuff up, as they’ve often heard before. She even seems to believe the kids and take them at every word they tell her, which they are happy to confirm. Furthermore, once the Baudelaires tell their story, Esme resolves to head straight to Veblen Hall and get everything sorted immediately. But just as we’re relieved that we finally have a responsible and competent adult in this series, Esme leads the Baudelaires to the ersatz elevator and pushes them down its deep, dark shaft. After the kids hit the net, Esme laughs above them stating that she knew everything they told them, that Olaf is her former acting teacher, and that she and Olaf will come back for them later. Oh, and she tries to justify her horrible actions by saying that Beatrice stole something from her. Nonetheless, this is a rather shocking turn of events which completely blows the Baudelaires away. Perhaps they would’ve taken a hint at Esme’s conduct toward Gunther before going to Café Salmonella. Then again, they may have thought her too self-absorbed and fashion obsessed to even risk her reputation as the city’s 6th most important financial advisor.

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The song I chose for Esme is “You’re No Good,” which was most famously recorded by Linda Ronstadt in 1975 and became her signature song. However, it was written by Clint Ballard Jr. and originally recorded by soul singer Dee Dee Warwick in 1963. By the way, Warwick was the sister of Dionne Warwick, niece of Cissy Houston, and cousin of Whitney Houston. Other artists who’ve covered it pre-Ronstadt are Betty Everett and the Swinging Blue Jeans. The original version usually pertains to a woman telling her ex how much of a jerk he was to her in their relationship and that she’s not coming back to him. And she’ll probably try to get back together with a guy whose heart she broke. In this version, I have Esme gloating over the Baudelaires saying what amounts to, “Ha! Ha! You’re screwed! So long, suckers!”

 

“I’m No Good”

Sung by Esme Squalor

Feelin’ better, now that you know
Fellin’ better, cause I gotta go
You may be alive, you’re not okay
Now you see what I really am

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good (I’m gonna say it again)
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

When auction’s done, and twins are gone
We’ll pack them up and run them out of town
You’ll never be okay, I guarantee
Just like I when Beatrice stole from me

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good (I’m gonna say it again)
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

Once we’re done, Gunther will get you
Better pray now for you’re all through

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good
I’m gonna say it again
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

What a wonderful and profitable day!
My former acting coach will have two fortunes today!

I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good (I’m gonna say it again)
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good
Oh, oh, no
I’m no good, I’m no good, I’m no good
Children, I’m no good

 

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “It’s Too Late”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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When the Baudelaires return to the penthouse, they spend hours heating metal tongs in the stove until they’re scalding before climbing back into the shaft to get their captive Quagmire friends. While the cage remains, the Quagmires aren’t there. While all the children are upset, Violet takes their disappearance particularly hard, throwing her welding torch in despair. But Klaus points out that all is not lost since they know some of Olaf’s plan such as hiding Duncan and Isadora into a large auction item. So he looks to the “In” Auction catalog in the Squalor library. His best guess is the large box inscribed “V.F.D.” with holes.

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The song I picked here is Carole King’s “It’s Too Late” which is about a blameless end to a loving relationship. Though the lyrics were written by Toni Stern who based the song on her breakup with James Taylor. On the other hand, this version has Klaus trying to cheer Violet up after her plan to save the Quagmires failed.

 

“It’s Too Late” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Stayed at stove with oven at 500 Fahrenheit
Heating metal tongs to free up the Quagmires
The cage still remainin’, but there’s no way to find them.

And it’s too late, Jesus Christ, it’s too late,
Though I really did try to save them.
Olaf’s got guys to hide em’ before our climb
And we just can’t make it, oh, no, no.

Klaus:
You tried to free em,’ but you didn’t come through.
But don’t worry, dear Violet, I know just what to do.
They’ll be at the “In” Auction, we just need to look.

It’s not too late, Violet now, not too late,
Though you really did try to save them.
We need to find where Olaf’s hiding them so I’ll try
The Squalors’ library, oh, no, no.

There’s an “In” Auction catalog in full view,
Though Esme’s set to take us, I know just what to do
It’s got to be Lot #50 V.F.D. box, and I hope we’ll pull through.

It’s not too late, Violet now, not too late,
Though you really did try to save them. (try to save them)
We’ll need to find and buy them where they hide
So we can just take them, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not too late, Violet, It’s not too late, Violet,
Not too late.