Halloween Party Tricks or Treats (But Mostly Treats, Sort of)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 18, 2014

Halloween is one of those time of the year that we have parties. After all, it’s one of those fun holidays in which you can dress in a costume as well as attend events that may feature games and food or perhaps drinking and dancing for the adults. And while you may seem obligated to spend Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving with your family, this isn’t so much the case on Halloween. Still, Halloween parties also provide a wide array of party treats that range from the creatively adorable to those that make you gag. And since it’s a scary holiday, creepiness and grossness are mostly encouraged. So in this post, I’ll show all the diverse dishes you’d find at Halloween parties that you’d probably not see in a Martha Stewart magazine or any cookbook as far as I know. Some of these may be for kids while others are certainly more adult oriented. So for your viewing pleasure and dismay, here are some Halloween party treats.

1. For those who got a cut, here are some band-aids and Q-tips.

As disgusting as they may appear, a cuisine meant to resemble a Civil War surgeon’s kit would be more vomit inducing.

2. For your veggie platter, here is a skeleton.

You’ll see a few of these. Yet, help yourself to the pepper ribs, the mushroom pelvis, the cucumber spine, and the celery and carrot limbs and shoulders.

3. Now take a bite out of cupcakes like Mrs. Lovett would make.

Don’t worry, these are just cupcakes, not bits of human flesh. If so, that would be cannibalism. Still, enough to make you puke, eh?

4. Now feast your eyes on these peepers.

These are probably kind of the cupcakes I’d expect Count Olaf to make. Of course, I’m not sure how many of you have read A Series of Unfortunate Events to get this. Nevertheless, they seem to be terrifyingly watching you.

5. Now you might want to feast your guts on this, literally.

Of course, this intestinal delectable may cause you to puke your guts out instead. I’m sure this sends a lot of Instagram foodie viewers to the toilet during this time of year.

6. Now you might want to have some fingers for dessert.

Now these are most likely breaded fingers with nut nails on them. Still, it’s a great way to trick vegetarians into thinking they’ve committed cannibalism.

7. Behold, spinach and artichoke dip straight from the mummy’s tomb.

Now this isn’t really scary but there’s a curse for those who partake of this creamy spinach and artichoke dip from Pharaoh Askenaten’s tomb.

8. Now for an appetizer, here’s some brain on a platter.

Let’s hope this brain isn’t from somebody named Abby Normal. Now that would be very, very bad. Of course, it’s probably just watermelon.

9. Oh, no, why did you have to serve Lego Frankenstein heads on sticks?

Actually they’re just marshmallows covered in chocolate. Still, they do tend to resemble disembodied Lego Frankenstein heads though.

10. Put a little “axe” on that cupcake, please.

Now that’s what I call a bloody cupcake. Very gory to say the least. Still, were those blood spattering axes homemade or bought from some party store?

11. Now for our party veggie platter, a cat skeleton.

Now I didn’t know that cats had skeletons made fro veggies and crackers. This is a very interesting specimen indeed.

12. Behold, the cheese dip mummy.

Now I could see the next Wallace and Gromit feature a cheese dip mummy. Would be very terrified if it’s made out of Wensleydale or cheddar.

13. Be fruity with these strawberry white chocolate covered ghosts.

Now if you put them in the fondue, they will haunt your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.

14. For those who want to eat healthy, here are some carrot fingers.

What? You didn’t know that carrots had fingers? Well, neither did I. But apparently Google Images says so.

15. For those who want their mummy, here are some mummy cookies.

Now these are just cute, but very creepy as well. Still, I don’t want to know what’s in them if they’re wrapped like that.

16. Since there may not be many pumpkins in Italy, it’s fair to say that they make a jack-o-pizza for Halloween.

Actually, I might only be joking here. Yet, still, Italians in Italy really do make pizza without the cheese and tomato sauce. Whether they make jack-o-pizzas, I may never know.

17. For an appetizer, here’s a bowl of deviled eyeballs.

Actually, they’re deviled eggs made to resemble eyeballs. Still, they’re enough to make you gag or lose your appetite.

18. Blood soup with eyeballs and bugs, anyone?

Okay, it’s not really as sick as it’s made out to be. I mean it’s only tomato soup with eyeball crackers and the bug is a prop. Still, I just love to say that.

19. Now for the kids, candy corn on the cob.

Very clever, but I wonder if the disgusting part is that those kernels are made out of wax and sugar. Also, there are kids who don’t want them.

20. Now here’s a couple hotdogs under some crispy mummy wraps.

Of course, what’s scarier than having hot dog mummies, is having to use them as subjects in a college lab experiment at Saint Vincent.

21. Now let me introduce you to the “Pilsbury Dead Boys.”

Nice that this person used gummy worms, oreo, and a gingerbread cookie cutter for these. Still, I’m not sure kids would take the reference of dead cookie bodies rising out from the dirt. Disgusting.

22. Thanks a lot, waiter, the pepperoni I ordered is infested with spiders and ghosts.

Waiter: “Well, that’s our ghost spider pizza deluxe, ordered straight from the haunted house.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think the spiders were part of the entree.”

23. And for dessert, here’s some kitty litter cake.

Ugh, no thanks, please. The sight of that just made me lose my appetite.

24. For all you meat lovers out there, how about some barbecue ribs?

Of course, this delectable is said to be based on an old family recipe. Well, an old family recipe for those who have ancestors in the Donner Party.

25. Now for the piece de resistance, brains.

Please don't tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I would puke my guts out.

Please don’t tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I will puke my guts out. I’m sure it’s gelatin. Oh, please be gelatin.

26. Now for the entree, a rat.

Hey, at least it’s not the one Blanche Hudson got in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Still, a rat cake, disgusting.

27. I call this dish child’s soup.

Now I guess child’s soup contains parts from a dead child. Okay, that’s just plain sick and demented. Seriously, that’s something you’d serve to Hannibal Lecter.

28. Okay, folks, now eat my shit.

Now these may just be pastries that taste like chocolate. However, it doesn’t make me more likely to eat them.

29. So how would you like your finger dog?

Now this is very disgusting if you know what I mean. Doesn’t help that it’s made from meat.

30. Now for the main course, here are some freshly dug up bones from the garden.

Of course, those bones may not be real but I’m sure Scruffy may think them tasty. Of course, make sure the dog is nowhere near these if you want to eat them.

31. Now have a piece of this bloodied up brain, will you?

Now this the goriest and most disgusting brain I’ve ever seen. Yet, if you want to trap zombies, this is perhaps the best bait you can do.

32. Just a cheese pizza with pepperoni and spiders.

Now you have admire how this person used veggies and pepperoni to create a spider infestation here.

33. Hey, who left the glass hand in the punch bowl?

Now I see that the marshmallows tend to resemble bones which is pretty sick if you know what I mean. Still, wouldn’t want to drink anything that had a bloody hand rising from it.

34. A spider just made a web in my pizza.

No, the spiderweb is actually made from cheese and the spider is made from olives. Still, very much in the Halloween spirit though.

35. For dessert, we’re having a mutilated corpse.

Makes a lot of the cakes in my baby shower cake post seem less gruesome in comparison. And if it weren’t for the cartoonish face, I would’ve thought it came from the morgue.

36. I want my mummy toast!

Of course, these are more adorable than scary if I pray tell. Then again, this is supposed to be a kiddie treat.

37. For those who don’t like mummy toast, here’s mummy pizza.

Looks very similar to mummy toast except circular. Probably is if this person made a pizza via an English muffin.

38. Ah, green fingers, excellent!

I almost thought they were asparagus shoots made to resemble green fingers. That is, until I saw the bottom pretzel ends.

39. In Candyland, you might want to stay away from the black licorice with the ground covered in candy corn.

Understanding that black licorice and candy corn aren’t high on people’s favorite Halloween candy lists, I wonder if these were just made for decoration. Then again, they’re mounted on chocolate and graham crackers.

40. Now for dessert, I bring you skull cake.

So I guess having a bloody skull cake covered in white icing would’ve made it seem too realistic and graphic for some people. Still, quite disgusting.

41. Behold, the haunted cemetery of health food.

I’m not sure if I would call pretzels or crackers health food. Still, more of a clever platter creation than scary.

42. To go with your dinner, here is some bony bread sticks.

Of course, the person who took this picture called these, “salty bones.” Still, I hope they aren’t mistaken for real bones though.

43. For Mexican flair, perhaps have a jack-o-lantern quesadilla.

The scariest part of this dish is that it’s actually better for you than anything you’d get at Taco Bell. Of course, that place doesn’t carry real Mexican food anyway.

44. For the kids we have these cute little pretzel brooms.

They may not be the kind of treats you’d serve at a Halloween party for adults, but they don’t seem too bad. Still, you have to admire using the cheese as a broom fringe.

45. Didn’t know that witches’ hats came in such varieties.

Of course, these are cookies with Hershey’s kisses on top. Still, I’d eat em. Then again, I’d eat almost any sugary treat with chocolate.

46. Aha, so I see a bunch of severed heads impaled on toothpicks. How interesting.

Now I know these aren’t real severed heads. Yet, who’s sick and twisted idea was it to make treats with impaled heads?

47. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a heart on a platter.

Hey, it’s Halloween what do you expect a heart cake to look like this time of year! This isn’t Valentine’s Day, people!

48. For the main course, I thought we could serve some broiled hand.

Of course, if it didn’t have a vegetable stuffed in it, you probably would’ve thought it was somebody’s severed hand burned to a crisp.

49. I bring you the $5 dollar foot meatloaf.

Still, compared to Subway’s $5 foot long, this is actually a foot. Also, you can eat it with family. Sounds pretty gross does it?

50. Hope that doughnut doesn’t eat me for breakfast.

Now this is a pretty ghoulish doughnut. Yet, what’s scarier about this ferocious fritter is the damage it can do to your arteries.

51. For the appetizer we have some minidog finger wraps.

They are called finger wraps because they’re made to look like actual fingers. You know, finger food.

52. For the entree, I give you all worms.

These worms look so real that I lose my appetite just looking at them. Yet, I’m sure this is a robin’s version of Thanksgiving dinner.

53. For a nice little snack, here are some spooky candy pretzels.

May not be scary but I’ll eat them. Also, they’re pretty cute though they don’t resemble ghosts to me in any way.

54. Here’s some stuffed jack-o-peppers with spaghetti in them.

Of course, these seem pretty sick but fairly clever. Yet, I’m not sure if the pasta is supposed to represent the pumpkin contents or worms.

55. Feast your eyes on these spider web treats.

Amazing all the things you can make with chocolate and pretzels. And there’s a chocolate spider in the center.

56. Oh, look, a spider cheese ball.

Now I don’t know about you but large spiders are certainly scary. This is especially true if they’re covered in olives to look realistic.

57. For your dessert, I bring you these spider cupcakes.

These must be the scariest cupcakes I’ve ever seen. Also, these spiders look as if they’re out for blood and aren’t very happy.

58. Behold, the jack-o-lantern vegetable platter.

Not scary but mostly made out of baby carrots and olives. Will give you a rather healthy but appetizing snack.

59. Oh, shit, there’s a roach infestation in my popcorn.

Sorry, my mistake. This is a Halloween snack and the roaches are made from chocolate. Then again a chocolate roach seems pretty disgusting.

60. Of course, could you give me a hand with the dessert?

If that means cutting my hand off for that, then no way in hell. Please, this severed hand cake almost makes me puke.

61. Nothing says Halloween like a pizza pie eye.

Now this pizza pie kin of makes me sick to my stomach. Lucky it’s bigger than most eyeballs would be, save perhaps a giant squid.

62. For those on the go, here is a piece of a lung calzone.

I hope these golden brown lungs taste better than they look. I mean seriously, a lung calzone?

63. Feast your eyes on this evil clown cake.

Whoever made this cake is perhaps one of the best pastry artists who ever lived. Also, perhaps Halloween is one of the few holidays when this clown cake is appropriate.

64. For lunch munch on a snake hoagie.

One of these days, perhaps this slithering $5 foot long would be at a Subway near you, but I highly doubt it.

65. Man, these skeletons seem to have serious problems.

Now these are clever cookies with each having a different personality. Too bad you can’t do the same for Christmas.

66. For appetizers, here’s a skull on the cracker platter.

Now that skull seems out of its mind as the dip. Still, pretty creepy to say the least.

67. And now I give you some Mexican graveyard dip on a plate.

Now I guess that seems like quite the party platter there. Still, I hope the green ooze is just guacamole.

68. For appetizers, feel free to dip into the spider web.

Now I’m sure this would be a nightmare to an arachnophobic who loves guacamole. I wonder if that person would dip his or nacho in it.

68. For those who like to grill, here are some jack-o-burgers.

Of course, you have to carve jack-o-lantern faces on the cheese before you attach them to the burgers. Then again, my dad likes to toast the cheese to the bun anyway.

70. Eeek! There’s a large spider in the salsa dip.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

71. How about some eyeballs and ham head.

Now this seems like a an appetizer platter for headhunters. Almost makes me want to throw up dinner just looking at it.

72. And now for dessert, why are there giant spiders on the cakes?

Now that’s a frightening display of cakes that would make Ron Weasley shiver in fear. Still, for some it’s very unappetizing.

73. For those who like cheese and pumpkins, here’s a jack-o-cheese ball.

Now this may not be scary or gross, but it’s certainly kid friendly. Of course, this may not be the case after a bunch of crackers have been in it.

74. Now here are some witchy cupcakes for the kids.

Of course, they remind me of blue witches’ cats in cone hats and covered in blue icing. Yet, what do I know about what witches look like?

75. I’m afraid I’ll have to go on the graveyard cake shift again.

Now this is one cool cemetery cake I’d like to see at any Halloween party. I mean it’s pretty amazing.

76. I don’t think this is ants on a log or must I be mistaken?

Wait, those must be spiders on a log. As if ants on a log isn’t creepy enough. Well, at least it doesn’t have raisins.

77. For your Halloween party, have your guests dip their pretzel sticks in boogers.

Actually I think that’s dyed chocolate. But still, looks quite disgusting and unappetizing.

78. Hope the party doesn’t get too scary with these witch cone treats.

Love the green heads on these. Of course, these treats are more or less adorable than scary. Still appropriate though.

79. Of course, your kids are sure to enjoy these scary mummy Oreo pops.

Yes, these are sure to cause your children nightmares. Actually no, but still quite ingenious if you ask me.

80. Guess you have to let these brownies rest in peace.

Guess Halloween is the time of year where you can make any plot of brownie treats into a grave yard. Doesn’t scare me enough to eat them.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 10, 2014

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”

8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 9, 2014

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block.

1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to commemorate the occasion.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Halloween Decorating Do’s and Don’ts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 26, 2014

Of course, autumn is in the air and Halloween will soon be upon us before we know it. A lot of people relish in Halloween who tend to get all up in the festivities. I mean many of them dress in costumes as well as decorate their homes in the Halloween spirit. Yet, for those who plan to decorate for All Hallows Eve, you might want to be mindful of your neighbors if you want to be decked out around your house. I mean though you can go for scary, your decorations must be inoffensive and kid friendly because you never know what kind of trick or treaters you may get. If not, then you’ll probably find your Halloween decorations on the news stirring controversy which you don’t want. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here is a nice little how-to on what and what not to do.

Do: A Halloween display of your favorite franchise.

Sure neighbors may think you had too much time on your hands while doing a Star Wars scarecrow display but at least some people would like it.

Don’t: Do a lawn display that could lead the neighbors to dial 911.

It’s said that the neighbors actually called 911 for this all too realistic decor of people getting run over. Don’t do this.

Do: Have decorations that were inspired by clever puns.

While this display may make neighbors question your parenting skills, I’m sure it’s nevertheless in the spirit and funny.

Don’t: Have Hallwoeen displays that include execution methods no matter how cool or scary the idea may seem.

Because you never know where your neighbors and guests may stand on the death penalty. Seriously, don’t do this.

Do: Displays with skeletons enjoying the pleasures of life.

Just a nice quiet afternoon open air picnic with Mr. and Mrs. Bones. I’m sure the neighbors won’t complain though they’d wonder where you got the skeletons from.

Don’t: Use hangings for your Halloween display unless they’re naked skeletons and not with rope by the neck.

Because an image like this can cause a lot of unpleasant feelings for people who may be anti-death penalty, know people who’ve tried killing themselves this way, actually have attempted suicide this way, or are African American. If they are the last part, then be warned that such displays may remind them of that old kind of racist hate crime used on them during the Jim Crow era. So don’t do this.

Do: Be eco-friendly and use any leftover supplies you may have.

Using old chicken wire to create ghostly dresses isn’t just creative, it’s also good for the environment as well. Besides, you can use these decorations again and again.

Don’t: Use your daughter’s baby dolls for your Halloween display or mutilated doll exhibit.

This just goes too far as scary goes. Besides, this might traumatize many trick or treaters, especially young girls. This is just plain sick if you know what I mean.

Do: Go with a ghost coven in your yard.

Now this isn’t just spooky but also rather eco-friendly, simple, and clever.

Don’t: Incorporate politics in your Halloween lawn display.

I know that Halloween isn’t too far from Election day. As a Catholic I’m perfectly fine with Halloween religious displays since well, there’s a lot of creepy religious stuff. But it’s only as good if the religion your mocking is your own, Christianity, cults, Neo-Paganism, Wicca, or Satanism. Yet, as a Democrat, for the love of God, don’t incorporate politics in your Halloween displays because you never know who you may offend in your neighborhood.

Do: Go with shadows.

May not be that scary up close but they’re sure clever, simple, and rather effective.

Don’t: Go for horrific circus displays that may traumatize children.

Now there is such a thing as being too scary. This horrific display may traumatize little kids and not want to make them see a circus in their lives.

Do: Mock non-political celebrities like Justin Bieber and Hugh Hefner.

After all, a guy known for founding a slutty magazine and an annoying Canadian teenie bopper are perfectly acceptable targets.

Don’t: Use any Halloween displays that go beyond the PG rating in anything other than gore.

While blood and gore are all right in your Halloween decorations to an extent, doing a pumpkin display with exposed boobs and butts will make many parents complain. I mean you want kid friendliness in this department so don’t do this.

Do: Go with cobwebs, graveyards, and Hollywood style Satanic and cult rituals.

After all, using elements in Halloween displays that have anything to do with death or the occult are perfectly acceptable.

Don’t: Have Halloween displays that depict murder and graphic violence or the neighbors may get upset with you.

I say this especially since the murders of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown as well as the controversial “shoot first” laws in many states. Also, such violent displays are too graphic for the kiddies.

Do: Decorate your lawn by reenacting your favorite movie in a Halloween style.

Now a skeleton version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? now that I approve most admirably. Looks like Blanche has rat for din din tonight.

Don’t: Make your Halloween lawn display offensive, especially in a racial context.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being gunned by a scary black person in a hoodie. I mean that's just racist.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being being chained by a black person in a hoodie? Seriously, this is just blatantly racist. Don’t ever do this for the love of God.

Do: Use your old dresses to create an illuminated Halloween display the neighbors would never forget.

Now using lights, wires, and dresses to create an illusion that ghosts are wearing your clothes is very creative and impressive. Kudos to the person who thought up this.

Don’t: Go for mutilated corpses that may make the neighbors complain.

A British man was told to remove this decoration, which probably serves just as well. I mean this is too graphic and gross to display in the front lawn anyway.

Halloween Costume Tips for Children

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 5, 2013

For those who remember my last post for inappropriate Halloween costumes, I was mainly setting certain standards that applied to a more general audience, particularly of the teen and adult variety (especially those in college). However, when it comes to Halloween costumes, not all standards are created equal especially if they pertain for children under the age of 14. For this I have a special set of rules to make sure your child can dress in a safe and appropriate costume and you don’t have to be accused of bad parenting. Of course, I don’t have any kids but I understand that the FCC standards of decency are much different for children’s programming as well as am the oldest of 23 grandchildren so those kind of count. Also, it’s not difficult to figure out and I’m just writing this post for laughs and using it to post bad costume pictures like the one of kids dressed from The Jersey Shore.

1. Make sure the costume idea is age appropriate- Okay, if you don’t want to be seen as a bad parent, you need to pay attention to this. Of course, there are certain costumes that shouldn’t be worn by anyone but sometimes there are certain costume ideas which are perfectly all right for adults but absolutely not suitable for children. Sexy costumes are a perfect example but there are age inappropriate examples for both boys and girls like these:

2. Make sure the costume is obtained from G or PG rated material- Or from any source in which you’ll let your kid watch. Of course, many superhero movies are PG-13 and so are the later Harry Potter films but these are perfectly fine. And I wouldn’t object from any parent dressing their kid as a hobbit if they’re Lord of the Rings fans. You can dress your kid as a stormtrooper for all I care. But, please don’t have your kid be dressed from a source material that’s rated R and strictly for adults like Hannibal Lecter. I mean children aren’t going to know who he is but parents probably will and they might get freaked out. See here:

3. Don’t be gross or gory- Of course, on adult costumes grossness and goriness are perfectly all right since Halloween is supposed to be scary and most violence and gross out comedies are catered to adults anyway. For kids, not so much since there are plenty of debates about how much violence in the media influences children’s likeliness to commit violence themselves. As for grossness, you don’t want other parents to be disgusted by your kid’s costume. Of course, this one takes the cake:

4. Make sure the costume sets a decent example- By this, I mean make sure it’s appropriate enough not for people to get offended by it or accuse you of bad parenting. Of course, if your son wants to dress up as his favorite character from My Little Pony, that is fine. If your son wants to dress up in a girly costume, that’s fine as well. Also, if your girl wants to dress in boyish costume, it’s all right, too. After all, this is Halloween where cross dressing is common among people who wouldn’t do so otherwise. Also, cross dressing is perfectly G rated. However, I wouldn’t advise any parent to have them wear costumes of political figures, controversial celebrities, reality TV stars, convicts, or any TV character known for doing very bad things (like Dexter or anyone from The Wire). Just don’t let your kid wear anything disturbing.

5. Make sure the costume is appropriate enough to wear in school- Of course, if your kid goes to a public elementary school, there’s a good chance that he or she will wear it in school on the last Friday in October. Make sure your kid’s costume fits into the guidelines of his or her school such as not having sharp edges as well as leave the weapons at home (I mean high schools don’t even have plastic knives in the cafeteria). Still, I wouldn’t recommend your kid wearing this for the same reason (and that it’s offensive):

6. Make sure the costume doesn’t have anything to do with drugs or alcohol- This is a biggie since such content might be perfectly all right for an adult to wear, it’s unsuitable for children, especially if they’re elementary school age. Any child going as Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, Don Draper, or anyone else in a costume depicting drugs or alcohol will certainly not be allowed to wear it for school. As for the alcohol and cigarettes, use the idea with your spouse, not your kid. Also, I wonder what this parent was smoking when he or she thought this was a good costume idea for a baby:

7. It’s all right to be scary but not too scary- It’s all right if your kid wants to go as something scary for Halloween. After all, Halloween is a holiday associated with ghosts, witches, ghouls, and monsters. However, there are some scary kid costumes that are very disturbing for adults and would certainly give little children nightmares, especially if they’re from horror movies aimed at teens and adults. Tim Burton film inspired costumes also fall into this camp. Such an example here:

There are some costumes that are unintentionally scary such as this Pinocchio costume. Avoid this one like the plague:

8. Make sure the costume passes political correctness- Of course, with adult costumes it’s okay to allow a little political incorectness now and then, just as long as it’s not outright offensive. For kids, you have to be a little more careful since while some costumes might be okay on and adult, they may not be for kids, especially if it insults someone who might give them candy. For instance, this Blind Ref costume might be a funny idea for adults and teenagers but for kids, this might end up insulting blind people. Thus, political correctness must be emphasized:

9. Don’t make your kid wear a costume that would embarrass them- Listen, you might want your kids to dress in a costume you might think is funny but if your kid carries the kind of expression akin to Ralphie in pink bunny pajamas, you might want to take a pass. Not to mention, there are some costume ideas that are just too cruel to instill on your kids. The boy who’s wearing a toilet costume is certainly going to get teased or beat up at school shown here:

10. Naughty is fine, sexy is not- Of course, the terms “naughty” and “sexy” almost mean the same thing when it comes to Halloween costumes for adults. However, you don’t want your daughter to dress in a sexy costume but that in kids costume “naughty” doesn’t necessarily carry the same connotations. For instance, take this Naughty Leopard costume for toddlers:

While it may say “Naughty Leopard” on the label, look closely ans see that it’s just a normal little girl’s costume that carries no sexual connotations whatsoever. This is fine. However, if a girl’s costume seems to resemble something off Toddlers & Tiaras or anything resembling child prostitutes, then it’s not okay. See here:

11. Make sure the costume is something your kid can go trick or treating in- A child’s costume needs to be practical such as allowing them to see and move around. Also, you want to emphasize safety in the equation such as having your kid’s costume not be something they could injure themselves or other kids. This baby Minecraft costume isn’t a real practical one to wear since it doesn’t have anything to see through. But it’s okay since it’s a baby costume. If this was worn by an older kid, it would’ve been worse:

12. If it’s inappropriate for adults, then it’s inappropriate for kids- Last but not least, I’d like to note that if a costume idea is deemed inappropriate and offensive to adult audiences, then it will certainly be the case if a kid wore it. And I don’t think it could be any more emphasized than with me posting a baby pimp costume:

Of course, I might have missed a few criteria here and there but if you want to see which costumes your kids shouldn’t be wearing I have a few links at your disposal:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/15/the-most-inappropriate-kids-halloween-costumes-photos_n_1967382.html

http://www.babble.com/home/25-totally-inappropriate-halloween-costumes-for-kids/

http://www.parentsociety.com/news-2/inappropriate-kids-halloween-costumes/

What Not to Go (For Halloween)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 30, 2013

Warning: This post shows content that may or may not be safe for viewing, especially in front of young children. Some images may be guaranteed to offend racial, ethnic, and religious groups as well. Viewing discretion is advised.

Of course Halloween is around the corner which is a time for spooky decorations, pumpkin carving, ghost stories, trick or treating, parties, scary movies, and tick tacking houses. Another thing people like to for Halloween is dress up into costumes either for a party or trick or treating. Some are reserved for kids, others for adults. Still, there could be some controversy on a person’s choice in costume or how inappropriate it is. However, there are certain things for Halloween that no one should go out as regardless of age, gender, demographic, or whatever. Whatever you do, don’t go as these for Halloween.

1. Nudist

Pro: This is perhaps the easiest costume to make and the cheapest costume to buy since it doesn’t really require much of anything. Just go as you are in your birthday suit. It’s as simple as that.

Con: However, to dress up as a nudist for Halloween is perhaps one of the worst ideas. For one, you will be arrested for indecent exposure if you’re going out anywhere since public nudity is against the law. Also, there’s a good chance that you’ll offend everyone with your nakedness so much that they’ll probably call the police on you. If you’re at home, expect to frighten the trick or treaters and their parents when you emerge from your door out in the buff and they’ll never stop at your house again. If your kid’s a nudist, expect him or her to get no candy and be subject to severe criticism on how bad a parent you are. Then there’s the fact you’ll be shivering whenever you go outside.

Verdict: For God’s sake, make sure your Halloween costume is one that includes clothes. No one wants to see your private parts. Perhaps one of the worst costume ideas ever. Streaker isn’t a good idea either.

2. A Black Person (for people who aren’t black)

Pro: Well, this might be difficult to say since I really can’t think of any pros without sounding too racist or offensive.

Con: It’s one of the most offensive costume ideas since it requires the use of blackface, especially in the United States. Not only that, but you run the risk of projecting a derogatory stereotype. You may think that dressing up as a black person may be a way to show esteem or mock them, it’s not. Rather it’s extremely insulting to a whole demographic and one of the most anti-black things you can do. If you show up in blackface in a predominantly black neighborhood, expect to never get out of there alive. I’d say the same to those who go around wearing an Obama mask since they’re no better. Look, it’s okay not to like Obama but it’s not okay to dress up as him to mock him, especially if you’re not black for you may run a tendency of insulting almost every black person in town.

Verdict: Unless you’re a black person, don’t go as a black person. And if you don’t like Obama, go as Joe Biden instead. I know it’s no fun to be politically correct and Obama’s the president but still, it’s a terrible idea that will warrant you sensitivity training. Actually don’t go as anything that projects a derogatory racial, ethnic, or religious stereotype.

3. Feminine Hygiene Products

Pro: Well, they may be easy to make and can be made pretty cheaply. Also, you’ll be a hit with the ladies at the Halloween party.

Con: Oh, did I say hit with the ladies? I actually mean hit by the ladies. Not to mention, dressing up as a bleeding tampon or napkin is just so disgusting as well as offensive to women. Look, none of us ladies would ever consider dressing up as one of our feminine hygiene products. That goes the same with female sex organs. All dressing up in these Halloween costumes is going to do is give us ladies an impression that you’re a total douche who deserves to be slapped in the face. I understand you guys go as condoms, semen, and male sex organs and though they’re as offensive as they may be, at least they’re costumes of your respective gender. However, how would you men feel if we women went out as a condom, semen, or penis? I don’t think you’d like that.

Verdict: Oh, fucking hell, no! Just, no please. I don’t care who you are just no. Also, eeeew.

4. Pedophile Priest

Pro: Well, easy to make and cheap. Other than that, I can’t find anything.

Con: As a Roman Catholic, this is probably a costume that that is guaranteed to personally offend me since the priestly child sex abuse cases just put a stain on the Roman Catholic Church (though child molestation is just as prevalent in any organization). Not to mention, this costume is guaranteed to get a person kicked out at a Catholic school, college, church, or hospital. Look, this probably the easiest costume to offend about a billion people with regardless of church attendance and religiosity. Not to mention, you never know where you’re going to meet someone who’s Catholic. You may even know someone who’s Catholic, maybe not particularly devout but still, once a Catholic always a Catholic right? Heck, any depiction of pedophilia in Halloween is just as offensive and shouldn’t be mocked at. I mean how would it feel if you saw a costume like pedophile minister, pedophile rabbi, or Jerry Sandusky? I rest my case.

Verdict: Congratulations, you just got a billion people praying the rosary in hopes that you’ll be sent to hell. Hope you find it warm down there when you die. Oh, and I see that all those sweet nuns did a number on you and tied you to a pole. And there’s the local priest encouraging the little children to throw rocks at you. Hope you’re happy and I just don’t feel sorry for you. Should’ve gone as sexy priest instead.

5. Klu Klux Klansman

Pro: Well, easy and cheap to make. Also, more creative than a ghost.

Con: Strictly put, this costume is blatantly racist and offensive to blacks since the KKK is a terrorist organization and hate group notorious for lynching and intimidating blacks in the South. It was even revived with the release of Birth of a Nation, perhaps the most racist film to date. I don’t care if you’re going as one for laughs, you’ll be seen as an angry white supremacist wherever you go. In a black neighborhood, you might as well just pick up those white robes and run like hell because chances are, you will be lynched.

Verdict: Don’t go as a Klansman under any circumstances. You will never see the light of day with this costume on, you virulently white supremacist bastard. Hope you get killed by your own burning cross.

6. Nazi

Pro: Well, they seem to have the nicer uniforms in all those World War II movies.

Con: You know Prince Harry got in a lot of trouble for wearing one, right? Also, you know that the Nazis were responsible for making Germany a totalitarian dictatorship, starting a world war, committing mass genocide that included 6-9 million Jews. That costume is sure going to make you look very anti-Semitic.

Verdict: Unless you’re doing a production of The Producers in which you sing, “Springtime for Hitler,” don’t go as this, period. On second thought, just don’t even if you do play a Nazi in your professional life or are just in WW2 reenactments. I mean you never know where you’ll meet a Jew or somebody whose grandma survived the Holocaust. And I’m sure a Holocaust survivor is certainly going to have plenty of ideas of what to do if you if yo happen to just don that Nazi uniform. Plus, wearing a Nazi uniform is certainly going to get you arrested in Germany since the Germans practically banned anything associated with Nazism. Same goes for Hitler.

7. Muslim Terrorist

Pro: Might be a way to show off your creative talents and doesn’t cost much to make.

Con: It’s one of the most offensive Halloween costumes out there, especially in a post-911 world. Muslims already have a hard time in this country after all the shit they’ve been through like being racially profiled and stereotyped as terrorists. This kind of stereotyping has been very detrimental for Muslims living in America who also died on 9/11, fought in our wars, lived in our country as law-abiding citizens, and supported our country through thick and thin. And it still sparks controversy if a group of Muslims want to build a mosque in a community so they can practice their faith in this country as they please. Besides, Islam isn’t as much a violent religion as Christianity, historically speaking and most Muslims are just regular people who live their own lives. Nor does it encourage anti-Western or anti-American ideology as a matter of fact.

Verdict: Almost nothing can inspire jihadist action among Muslims than seeing a person in the West wearing that highly offensive costume. Might inspire real hatred for your country if an Islamist terrorists sees you in that. And you don’t want to be an inspiration for terrorism right?

8. Sexy Kids Show Character

Pro: It’s a nice way to look cute at a Halloween Party and pay homage to your favorite character from your childhood.

Con: Actually makes that particular kids show character be suitable for a pornographic film. Not to mention, many of these sexy kids show costumes are marketed toward women which is also part of a disturbing trend of making women’s costumes seem sexy. Can I just go as regular Elmo? Really? Besides, most of the sexy Sesame Street costumes are those that feature male characters like Bert an Ernie. Yes, there’s a sexy Bert and Ernie costume. Not to mention, those kind of costumes might kill a child’s innocence.

Verdict: Making kids show characters as sexy costumes is just plain, well, wrong. There are some costumes that shouldn’t be made sexy and I think kids show characters should be one of them. Besides, no one wants to see a sexy Cookie Monster. That little 3-year-old may not see Elmo in the same way again.

9. Depraved Sex Maniac

Pro: There are so many ways to get creative with this costume, with many of the results being hilarious. There are just so many variations of this costume.

Con: Dressing up as a depraved sex maniac is not only an unsuitable costume to greet trick or treaters in, but also very offensive even in front of mature audiences depending on the material. Perhaps the only occasion I can ever find this kind of costume being appropriate in is an adults-only Halloween party, especially if its venue is a frat house. Still, would you want people to post pictures of you in such a costume on Facebook? Think about it.

Verdict: Would you want to be known as the guy who dressed up as a man banging a sheep? I wouldn’t think so. I mean they post pictures of that on the internet, you know. Besides, you don’t want to be in that kind of costume when trick or treaters come to your house. I mean think of the children and parents.

10. Asian Doll (for Non-Asians)

Pro: These are fairly popular among non-Asian women. Not to mention, Asian women are said to be rather desirable.

Con: The reason I put for Non-Asians is that no self-respecting Asian woman would want to wear one (maybe geisha but I’m not so sure). For one, these are sexy costumes which is kind of sexist toward women. Second, the take-out costume is just begging for gross jokes about “eating out.” Not to mention, it’s a stereotype of an Americanized version of what “Chinese” is. Also, the hyper-sexualization of this costume feeds into the all to prominent stereotypes of Asian women. Yikes!

Verdict: Actually, any sexy ethnic girl costumes shouldn’t be worn on Halloween, period. They’re offensive regardless of nationality.

11. Geisha Girl (also for Non-Asians)

Pro: Hmmm, this is a challenging one. I wonder if it’s because of Memoirs of a Geisha having something to do with it. Maybe it’s just a symbol of Japanese decadence or the female equivalent of the samurai costume.

Con: For one, in many circles geishas are considered high-end prostitutes, which is a cause for concern. Second, a geisha girl is a racist and sexual stereotype thrust upon Asian women which paints them as submissive, doll-like, and existing only to sexually gratify others. In turn this harms many Asian women since many non-Asians tend to defend geisha girls on a pedestal even though it’s considered a fossilized archetype in modern day Japan. So nostalgia’s probably not always a good thing.

Verdict: This costume has a lot of grey area depending on the variation but still, many Japanese women can get offended by that regardless of costume scheme. Still, I think I’d suggest maybe you go as Murisaki Shikibu, one of the world’s earliest known women writers and perhaps the world’s first novelist. Of course, The Tale of Genji isn’t one that’s necessarily suitable for children but people still read it. Yet, at least she’s a better Japanese female figure than a geisha girl. At least many Japanese women would be impressed if you know who Murisaki Shikibu was. In fact, dress up as any famous Japanese woman even it’s Yoko Ono. Also, a character from anime and manga is a viable option.

12. Anything with an Erection

Pro: Can make a boring costume hilarious.

Con: Not suited for younger children and the erection might depend on the kind of costume. If you’re dressing as a Viagra salesman, then it’s uniquely appropriate (though I don’t know why you’d want to dress as a Viagra salesman). If you’re dressing up as like a prisoner, teacher, or priest, then it’s deeply offensive. Also, most of the time having an erection in your costume makes other girls think you’re too dumb to have a creative costume idea.

Verdict: Can’t you come up with some original costume idea that doesn’t involve any form of crude frat boy jokes? Seriously, guys, sometimes you’re just too obsessed with your sex organs.

13. Abortion Themed Costumes

Pro: This might help get the pro-choice and pro-life sides agreeing with something.

Con: Actually you’ll get them to agreeing that your costume is inherently offensive since abortion is such a serious issue and isn’t an issue you want to address on Halloween. This will certainly result in you getting attack in some way or another like a pipe bomb stuffed down your pipe or acid thrown in your face type.

Verdict: Just stay away from doing an abortion themed costume. Just stay away if you don’t want a gang of torches and pitchforks going after you. Abortion is absolutely not the kind of topic people should joke about. It’s a deadly serious issue and I’ll just leave it at that.

14. Catastrophe Victims or Disasters

Pro: This might be a tough one.

Con: Obviously, these costumes revolve around moments of great tragedy and heartbreak that it goes without saying that they would be highly inappropriate for a Halloween costume. I mean all these costumes are going to illustrate is how an insensitive jerk you are.

Verdict: Please don’t wear these costumes, whatever you do. Otherwise, I hope you receive a well-deserving slap or punch in the face. Insensitive jerk, indeed.

15. Indian Princess

Pro: You might be able to wear this costume on Thanksgiving which would especially help if you’re an elementary school teacher supposing if the costume is decent enough.

Con: The sexy version of this costume is highly offensive especially if it’s know as a “seductive squaw.” The term “squaw” is a very derogatory name for an Indian woman which the First Nations certainly won’t take too kindly. A sexy Pocahontas costume would be even worse since she was about 12 at the time when she saved John Smith and sexualizing pre-adolescents is never a good idea. Also, a political incorrect depiction might be deemed fairly offensive. I mean this costume has the potential to offend American Indians at different levels. Actually most Native American costumes do.

Verdict: This costume is probably most likely better left for children to wear since adults who wear this to work will probably receive a certain amount of sensitivity training (or just be fired). Actually almost any Native American costume can fit into this even in a mascot capacity (sorry, Redskins fans). Still, I’d stay away from this costume if I were you.

16. Poop

Pro: May be and cheap to make. As to any explanation why anyone would do this costume, I don’t have the slightest idea.

Con: For one, this is a disgusting and poor taste idea for a costume that seems to be thought up at the last minute. Second, it might make many people at the party think you’re No. 2 (and not the first runner-up kind either). Third, I’m sure you’re not going to pick up any chicks with that kind of costumes.

Verdict: Seriously, you went as that for Halloween? Honestly, you have to go as that. Some things should never be costume ideas, plain and simple. Also, eeeeew.

17. Jesus Christ

Pro: Well, what better costume for a CCD or Sunday School Halloween party than dressing up as the Prince of Peace?

Con: Except that he’s a religious figure, which is always controversial no matter what the depiction. Secondly, there are also certain Christian groups who don’t celebrate Halloween based on false claims that it promotes things like paganism, witchcraft, sin, and devil worship. I mean the holiday basically offends them to this degree already so dressing up like Jesus is certainly going to piss them off and somewhat confirm their beliefs about the holiday when they see you twerking on the dance floor or making out with a witch in a car.

Verdict: Only dressing as Muhammad would be worse since you’re not even allowed to depict a picture of him.

18. Pimps and Ho’s

Pro: Well, its a good excuse to get dolled out and slutty.

Con: Some costumes may have some people mistake you for the real thing and God help you if those are the police pr a serial killer. Also, they are highly inappropriate and tend to somewhat glamorize certain folks who aren’t just committing illegal acts (at least in the US) but also don’t live nice lives (prostitutes are always highly susceptible to violent crimes during their work hours). Not to mention, pimps aren’t nice people (I mean they’re sex traffickers) as well as the kind who should never be idolized in rap lyrics. Not only that, but not all pimps dress like that (some of them just dress in plain normal clothes in order to get girls into the business). And another thing, wearing either has the potential to offend African Americans who are said to be frequent depictions of either.

Verdict: If you watched what happened to Kramer when he tried to get to the pink Cadillac. Take it as a word of caution. Also, you might have the potential to be mistaken for a stripper.

19. Recently Deceased Public Figures

Pro: Chances are people will recognize who you’re dressed up for Halloween since their death has been on the news.

Con: It’s perhaps way too soon since the person who died may still have friends and family in mourning, especially if they died under untimely and tragic circumstances. You might want to wait a year, or fifty.

Verdict: Perhaps you should stick to celebrities who are either still alive or been dead for at least a decade.

20. Santa Claus

Pro: If your seasonal job is being Santa at the mall, this might be pretty convenient.

Con: Some is little kid is going to wonder why Santa answered the door to your house on Halloween during trick or treating. I mean Santa Claus is very closely tied to Christmas and that’s only a couple months away. Also, might kind of remind people what’s coming up next commercialwise so they don’t want to see anyone in a Santa suit until after Thanksgiving.

Verdict: As a holiday mascot, you might want to avoid dressing up like Santa to avoid confusion or anger.

Conclusion:

Of course, there are plenty more costume ideas you shouldn’t try on Halloween and I’ll just leave you at that.

For intentionally offensive costumes:

http://www.holytaco.com/25-intentionally-offensive-halloween-costumes/

Here’s a satiric article on politically incorrect costumes:

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/costumes.htm

Here’s some more offensive costumes:

http://happyplace.someecards.com/11102/the-most-inappropriate-halloween-costumes-of-all-time

Here’s some costumes gone horribly wrong:

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/24-embarrassing-homemade-halloween-costumes

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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