Tag Archives: albums

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

dsotmcover

Last February, I did a post on vintage album covers that have been a great success. So with January being what it is on not having much material and the fact I’ve basically no ideas for an epic post series, I decided to do another edition. Of course, I’ve done subsequent editions on postcards and book covers so why not? Not to mention, I even did an album covers Christmas edition as well. Nevertheless, you can understand the significance of what album covers can do for the albums they promote. We’ll always remember Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album because of it’s picture of a prism forming a rainbow on a beam of light is what makes this piece of rock memorabilia (along with the songs). However, if you’re someone who expects to see the great album covers, then I think you better go somewhere else on the internet like Ebay or Amazon since this post to some of the great album art disasters in music history. Some may be bad due to bad and outdated fashion sense. Some may due to photoshop and weird photo ops. Others simply because the record company didn’t have the budget. There may be a lot of reasons like causing offense. But the reason I post such terrible album covers because many of them tend to be unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a collection of vintage album covers that really haven’t held too well to say the least. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Mike Pacheco: Bongo Date with Mike Pacheco

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren't really seen as desirable dates.

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren’t really seen as desirable dates.

After a night playing bongos during a poetry session at the local Beatnik bar at Greenwich Village, bongo boy Mike has a smoke near a lamp post before hitting the hay with a pantiless call girl named Giselle. Of course, he’s dead broke by the next morning.

2. Rock n’ Roll Party: Oldies and Goodies

I can't imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

I can’t imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

Finally, an album for the teen rock fan given by the relatives who have no idea what rock music is and perhaps gave them the possible 1960s equivalent to a Kidz Bop album. Either that, or an album of rock n’ roll favorites not performed by the original artists. Still, a very corny cover.

3. Adolfo Waltzman and his Hula Hoopers: Hula Hoop!

I don't know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

I don’t know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

Finally, an album containing music I can do the hula hoop with. Just what I needed (sarcasm).

4. Ernie Coombs: Mr. Dressup

Now this album is from a Canadian children's show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup's face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don't want to be in his "Neighborhood of Make-Believe."

Now this album is from a Canadian children’s show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup’s face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don’t want to be in his “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” Also, the puppets are terrifying.

“Hello, kids, and welcome to my workshop. Don’t mind me working with the saw I could possibly cut you to pieces with. Oh, and by the way, those toys are either soulless or demon possessed. I’m not sure which.”

5. Sin Alley Vol. 1

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you'd apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might've been the designer's intention. Can't wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars.

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you’d apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might’ve been the designer’s intention. Can’t wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars. Bet Miss Piggy’s going to be pissed.

Finally, an album with 18 rockabilly blasters pertaining to everything a young man between the ages of 13 to 30 would love such as sex, lust, fighting, Martians, more sex, and frogs?

6. Saxomaniac: Sax Sounds

"For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I'll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!"

“For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I’ll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!”

Looks like this woman is a waitress at some kind of high end cocktail lounge. I mean she obviously has heard enough smooth jazz music in a lifetime to drive her utterly screaming with her eardrums bleeding. It’s a real tragic case.

7. Argentina Coral: Cante Gitano

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who's seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who’s seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

“All right, Mr. DeVille, I’m ready for my close up, even if you aren’t you no good son of a bitch.” Please don’t be a wax model of Amy Winehouse as if she would’ve been if she’d just go to rehab already. Sorry about that, Amy Winehouse fans.

8. Saventa Jovanovic: Lazno Je, Lazno, Sve Sto, Je Tvoje

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I'd call, "grooming habits," than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would've just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I’d call, “grooming habits,” than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would’ve just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

I’m sure sitting with her legs crossed in a short skirt won’t make it look like she’s like any other Eastern European with bad fashion sense.

9. Tozovac: Jeremija

Now I know many guys think that they'd look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you're insecure with your masculinity.

Now I know many guys think that they’d look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you’re insecure with your masculinity.

I suppose in the Eastern Bloc Era, it meant, “compensating for something” or “stop making fun of my penis.”

10. Don Costa’s Free Loaders: Music to Break a Sub-Lease

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Hey, poor and homeless people need music, too, even this album just play songs you’d hear on the discount rack albums you’d find at the dollar store.

11. The Tattoos: Pops Go Trumpet

Still, what's with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet's erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction?

Still, what’s with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet’s erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction? Or is that none of my business?

Seems like a naked woman would lead to any horny trumpeter sporting an erection both on their instrument and in their pants.

12. Electronic Music

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

“A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations” too bad the cover resembles something you’d find in a trash heap at a modern art museum. Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Or do I just not understand the concept of “abstract” here?

13. Jack Fascinato: Music from a Surplus Store

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I'd see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I’d see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

Or as I call it, either music that’s outdated or totally crap or music not available on a CD you can rip onto Windows Media Player. Also, nowadays music you hear from a surplus store isn’t what I’d call “a basketful of new sounds.” That would be iTunes.

14. Jack McDuff: Sophisticated Funk

Of course, it's obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such "medieval" artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they're used in BDSM.

Of course, it’s obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such “medieval” artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they’re used in BDSM.

Featuring the latest model in chastity belt technology. For those paranoid husbands concerned about your nympho wife’s potential to cheat on you, this model comes with a  keypad lock with its own code.

15. Vintage album from South Korea. Can’t read the Asian characters for the artist or title (possibly the soundtrack to Planet of the Apes).

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, "Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!" Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, “Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!” Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Strangely, after taking over Earth, the apes seemed to have a thriving music industry with the unfortunate side effect of producing just as crappy albums like their human predecessors from Planet of the Apes.

16. Lowell Mason an the Crusaders: Sing for God and Country

Of course, I know I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs "midgets" (though my dad's more an offender) but despite it's amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don't like being called this. In fact, they consider "midget" as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Of course, I know I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs “midgets” (though my dad’s more an offender) but despite it’s amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don’t like being called this. In fact, they consider “midget” as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Finally, a Christian album that celebrates man’s music while calling him by a very offensive term in the dwarfism community.

17. Mariachi Nuevo Tecalitan: Inolvidable El Charro del Misterioso Vol. 5

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, "La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas" anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would've been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, “La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas” anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would’ve been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Now this title translates from Spanish as “Unforgettable: The Mysterious Horseman Vol. 5” which is a perfectly good title. However, I know Mexico takes pride in their luchador wrestlers and their costumes, but that guy just seems less of a “mysterious manly man” and more of a “bank robber.” Let’s just say, I’d more likely make a deposit in my pants if I saw him near where I cash in my checks.

18. Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford: Soundtrack to Salt and Pepper: Super Spy Hippy

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Watch out, Commies, here comes the super spy guy with the glass eye! And his British friend and onetime JFK brother-in-law, Peter Lawford. Must’ve been a movie that sucked. By the way, directed by the same guy who brought you Lethal Weapon.

19. Elsa Popping and her Pixieland Band: Delirium in Hi-Fi

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl's ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal.

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl’s ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal. Not only that, but even the dog has his own pair, but they’re hooked up to the record player. There’s even a cover of this in color with a space ship near Earth.

Yes, what kind of music to listen to on a lazy evening around the record player with the folks?

20. Slim Goodbody: The Inside Story

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as "Slim Goodbody" who'd make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as “Slim Goodbody” who’d make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

I’ve heard of body suits but this is overdoing. I mean it’s not that it shows too little. It just shows way too much. Comes with, “Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet.” Ugh.

21. Ludwig: Zither Soloist

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who's been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who’s been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

The therapist suggested role-playing, but Norma never understood Larry’s bare assed zither routine, especially in lederhosen.

22. Enoch Light: Spaced Out

I get that sex sells but I don't see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

I get that sex sells but I don’t see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

Looks like the album cover has been taking the brown acid at Woodstock for far too long.

23. Various Artists: The Wild Sounds of Satan’s Sadists

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn't Easy Rider an probably wasn't as good. I'm not sure about the soundtrack though.

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn’t Easy Rider an probably wasn’t as good. I’m not sure about the soundtrack though.

Okay, is it just me or do those red bikers guy seem to be peeing on smaller version of themselves?

24. Steve Karmen: Music to the Motion Picture What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?

From the San Diego Reader: "The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady - how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan's Sadists can say...."

From the San Diego Reader: “The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady – how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan’s Sadists can say….”

“Now Sally has lent her services to the medical school by exposing herself to the class on today’s lesson on female sexuality and the reproductive system. I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”

25. Little Richard Miller: Jesus Use Me

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what?

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what? Not to mention, the Jesus picture in the corner just freaks me out.

I don’t know about you, but regardless of how inspirational they make it out to be, I just find the idea of a person playing keyboard with no limbs quite terrifying if you ask me.

26. Lionel Blair: Aerobic Dancing

Okay, well, I've seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I'd just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much.

Okay, well, I’ve seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I’d just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much. Still, Key and Peele did a great parody of the 1980s aerobic fitness craze in one of their sketches.

Nothing makes a typical 1980s aerobics album than a helmet haired guy with a goofy smile, tube socks, and horrendously short shorts many would consider hot pants. Also does aerobic instruction to the E. T. theme song, what the hell?

27. Bell: Do You Ever Get Lonely?

I'm sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell?

I’m sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell? This is probably a country music album.

Let’s see a big haired 1980s woman in a model pose with a large colorful skull of a horned cow she might’ve slaughtered. Talk about having a twisted craft hobbies. Painting cow skulls is one of the creepiest.

28. The McDonald Sisters: I’ve Got Confidence

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

And I sure have confidence that having these girls take their picture in knitted pink dresses was probably not a good idea. I’m sure nobody behind the scenes shared their confidence because the title’s in quotes.

29. Heino: Heino

Okay, I don't know about you, but I fear for the dogs' safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he's been one of Germany's most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He's even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he's put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I fear for the dogs’ safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he’s been one of Germany’s most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He’s even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he’s put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Oh, creepy German Heino, I can never forget you in a post like this. Now this one shows him as an avid dog lover in his darkened shades with his 3 poodles. What can be more heartwarming than that?

30. Kimya Dawson and Friends: Alphabutt

Of course, this isn't really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I'm going to leave it in anyway since it's just so freaky and hilarious.

Of course, this isn’t really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I’m going to leave it in anyway since it’s just so freaky and hilarious. I don’t care what’s on the record. Just want to know how this cover was produced.

Nothing makes a great educational album for the kids than one that teaches the alphabet with animals farting the letters. Seems like the rabbit can rip out the most.

31. Ted Cassidy: The Lurch

From San Diego Reader: "I have to admit, I'm dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter "You Rang?" in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his - WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w "Wesley"???"

From San Diego Reader: “I have to admit, I’m dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter “You Rang?” in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his – WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w “Wesley”???” Perhaps he should do an album with Vin Diesel as Groot if he’s still alive. Probably not.

Oh, my God, I didn’t know Lurch had an album. Wonder if it’s just him singing with “You rang?” which is all he said on the show. Seriously, this might be worth hearing.

32. Lena Zavaroni: Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me

I don't know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It's as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she's done singing.

I don’t know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It’s as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she’s done singing.

As if the title was creepy enough, she’s dressed like Barbie Benton and fellating the mic. Then again, maybe it’s just the lighting done to her stage mother’s designation.

33. Trever Daniels: Time Was

Then again, it's probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Then again, it’s probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Is it just me or does that guy seem a bit too big to be on the organ?

34. The Scorpions: Moment of Glory

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it's as laughable as it's terrible.

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it’s as laughable as it’s terrible.

Now I could tell that this is a female Tyrannosaurus Rex since she’s all decked out in her regal jewels and finery. Thus, she’s a real Queen of the Tyrants, a Tyrannosaurus Regina if you will.

35. E’ Lei: I Cugini di Campagna

What's even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it's probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn't come cheap.

What’s even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it’s probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn’t come cheap.

Nothing says Italian disco than guys in silver jumpsuits and multicolored light beams.

36. Eddie Mack: Live at the Open Sandwich Club

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he's saying, "fanservice, simply fanservice." Nevertheless, she's probably there to give him a lap dance.

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he’s saying, “fanservice, simply fanservice.” Nevertheless, she’s probably there to give him a lap dance.

I suppose the Open Sandwich Club was a nudie bar as indicated by the naked woman on the piano.

37. Riot: Rock City

Of course, this is consistent with Riot's environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

Of course, this is consistent with Riot’s environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

All right, I’m starting to get a little uneasy about the baby seal head guy. Seriously, despite his adorable face that makes your heart melt, he seems to show signs of being a psychopath.

38. Sir Adrian Bolt: The Planets

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it's straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of space.

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it’s straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of the universe. That or something you’d find in Neil Degrasse Tyson’s childhood record collection.

Or what you get when Flesh Gordon and Barbarella pose in a bad Buggles music video. Seriously, this would’ve made Gustuv Holst turn in his grave.

39. Bug Out! Vol. 1

Of course, at least the designer didn't have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it's better that he didn't feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

Of course, at least the designer didn’t have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it’s better that he didn’t feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

With the giant praying mantis on the cover, how about no way in hell. Seriously, I don’t want to be a 10,000 ft praying mantis lunch.

40. Will Starr: This is Will Star ‘the Daddy of Them All’

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn't even write novelty songs.

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn’t even write novelty songs. Also, looks as if he’ll keep playing polkas with his accordion of death until you drop cold and lifeless on the floor. That or if your ears start bleeding.

Let’s see. Accordion? Check. Kilt? Check. Wearing sandals and socks? Check. Impassioned evil expression on his face? Check.

41. Baby Lu-Lu: Baby Lu-Lu

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

Nothing makes a wholesome album for families than one featuring a blond haired woman in a red gingham dress and way too much hair spray loving her dogs to death. In the words of Elmira, “I’ll love them and squeeze them and keep them for ever and ever. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”

42. Yellowman: Walking Jewelry Store

Then again, saying he's a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn't black, I'd assume he's spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

Then again, saying he’s a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn’t black, I’d assume he’s spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

I’m sure that album’s title is derived from one of Yellowman’s street names during his days as a gangbanger.

43. Enoch Light and the Light Brigade: The Best Movie Themes 1970

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they're at a family friendly nudist camp with it's own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it's for jerking off in a porno theater.

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they’re at a family friendly nudist camp with it’s own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it’s for jerking off in a porno theater.

Because the family that goes to the movies naked together stays together.

44. Bobby Jimmy and the Critters: Ugly Knuckle Butt

Still, despite that he's wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Still, despite that he’s wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Or as Bobby Jimmy said, “Oh, hell no, you’re naming my album that!”

45. Electronic Music to Blow Your Mind!

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon's mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles' psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon’s mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles’ psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it’s a Beatles album!”

46. Ruben Vela: Mucho Tequila

I'm sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can't take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita to a donce-step program pronto!

I’m sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can’t take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita mexicana to a donce-step program pronto! God, how many bottles has she drank already?

I don’t know about you but I think this woman needs to check into rehab and AA meetings because I think she might have a drinking problem, at least.

47. Camilo Sesto: Entre Amigos

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn't been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn’t been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover….”

48. Mrs. Miller: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits

From San Diego Reader: "You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out "These Boots Were Made For Walking" and "Hard Day's Night"! You'll laugh even harder..." Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

From San Diego Reader: “You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out “These Boots Were Made For Walking” and “Hard Day’s Night”! You’ll laugh even harder…” Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

Basically the album with songs sung by that hard drinking and chain smoking middle aged woman you meet at a karaoke bar. Also, most of these songs are covers and it’s a greatest hits album? Seriously, why?

49. Ray Howard: The Cotton Pickin’ Lift Tower and Other Skiing Songs

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he's probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he’s probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Looks like the first one killed him. If he’s in Colorado, probably died while high on weed. So remember, kids, never dare play music on a ski lift tower. It’s a very stupid thing to do. Look what happened to him.

50. Nester Shydlowsky and the Royal Polka Kings: Buying a Car Ukrainian Style

From San Diego Reader: "Where oh where to start - the guy's giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl's legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?" Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl's just for holding guitars and show, you know.

From San Diego Reader: “Where oh where to start – the guy’s giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl’s legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?” Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl’s just for holding guitars and show, you know.

Basically this consists of bringing your accordion to the auto dealership, finding the car you want, and annoying the living shit out of the dealer so they could sell it to you at a bargain price. Try to go for a yellow one.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

The-Classic-Christmas-Album-cover

It’s that time of year again when Christmas music beckons in the stores to the point of basically making your ears bleed. Working at Macy’s, I have had to hear hours worth of Christmas music during my shifts, which sometimes makes me sick of hearing it. Yet, there’s this song I particularly despise called “Last Christmas” originally recorded by Wham!, wondering if it’s perhaps the most played Christmas song at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. And I admit, just to listen to that song once is torture. Still, imagine being the people who have to do these songs either as the artist or the songwriter (sometimes both, but these are old songs). Did you know that a lot of guys who wrote a great portion of your favorite Christmas songs were Jews? Of course, we all know about Irving Berlin writing “White Christmas” but a Jewish guy also wrote the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Then of course, you have a lot of high profile artists do Christmas albums which usually sell before ending up on the discount rack in some Big Lots after the Christmas season. Still, we know that a lot of these musical recording artists probably have contractual obligations, record the album in July, and probably don’t want to sing a lot unoriginal songs for an album that will only sell a part of the year. Still, without further adieu, here’s a treasure trove of some of the tackiest Christmas album covers just to get your mind off the Christmas music you probably can’t get out of your head.

1. Thore Skogman: Klappa Pa!

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he's a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he's not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn't know how he obtained that fruit.

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.

I suppose in this man’s country, “Klappa Pa!” means Christmas sausage time.

2. Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa's helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of "Blue Christmas."

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”

Merry Christmas from the North Pole’s resident Elvis Impersonator.

3. Conway Twitty: A Twismas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird's alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

I’m sure Warner Brothers threatened to sue if Conway Twitty used Tweety Bird.

4. Lenny Dee: Happy Holi-dee

He may not be Santa but I'd certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

Oh, Lenny!  You and your poodles! I bet they ride on your lap in your car, too!

5. 24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris' "6 to 8 Black Men" essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa is black, stay away from this one.

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.

For any traditional Dutch Christmas with Saint Nick and gift giving tar babies in all.

6. The Hokner Kazoo Orchestra: Christmas with Kazoo

It's like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

Listen to Christmas music on kiddie toy instruments.

7. White Christmas

Man, this guy seems like he's a. stepped on his kids' legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, or d. all of the above.

Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.

So, apparently Christmas albums are a thing in South Korea. Boy, that guy must be in serious pain.

8. A First Christmas Record for Children

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

If you want your children to develop a love of Christmas songs and a lifelong fear of Santa, then this is the album for you.

9. Merry Christmas with the Mom and Dads

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I'm sure there's a dead body in their house somewhere.

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.

Kind of like a Christmas version of Mama Mia! but with ugly people and not ABBA.

10. Kiro Slabinac: Christmas with Kiro

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I've ever seen. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment.

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.

I’m sorry, folks, but I’m sure Santa Claus doesn’t really belong in the glam rock scene or studio wrestling for that matter.

11. Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Merry Christmas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…

12. Christmas on Death Row

I'm sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads' version of "White Christmas," do you? I'm sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

Hear all your Christmas favorites sung by the likes of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.

13. The Black & White Minstrel Show featuring the George Mitchell Minstrels: The Magic of Christmas

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn't these be burned already? And I don't mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again.

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.

Enjoy Christmas like your white ancestors did in a way you’d really want to forget. Available in all Jim Crow and KKK record stores. Key songs are: “Have Yourself a Racist Little Christmas,” “White Christmas,” “Burn the Fiery Cross,” “The Little Klu Klux Boy,” and “Yuletide Lynching Time.”

14. The Blues Busters: Merry Christmas

However, I don't know what to make of having these two guys' disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

Merry Christmas from the black guys who seem to be ripping off the Blues Brothers, at least in name anyway.

15. Gaby Berger: Du Bist Nicht Der Weihnachts-Mann

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It's rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

I’m no expert in German but I’m sure this means “A Silent Night with Psycho Claus.”

16. X-Mas Project

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they've just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I'm sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Celebrate the season with this rock group of Santa death metal musicians.

17. Tiny Tim: Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you'd like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" on a ukelele. And he got married on a light night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Despite the cover imagery, this album doesn’t fall under death metal or emo. In fact, quite the contrary to the fans’ disappointment.

18. The Surfers: Christmas from Hawaii

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Because nothing stirs up your nostalgia for Christmas more than four shirtless Polynesian guys rowing a canoe with a pink aluminum Christmas tree on it.

19. Santa’s Helpers: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth & Festive Favorites for Children

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Well, this child has his two front teeth but perhaps you might want to buy this album so he could have some corrective vision surgery for being cross eyed.

20. Wilf Carter: Christmas in Canada

Seriously, if it didn't say "Christmas in Canada" I would've mistaken this for some country western album. I don't know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don't associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should've used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Because nothing reminds us of a Canadian Christmas more than a man dressed as a snazzy cowboy holding a guitar. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Texas.

21. Heino: Deutcshe Weihnacht…und Festliche Lieder

For those who haven't seen my post on tacky album covers, Heino's the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he's even more terrifying in shades.

For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.

Man, I didn’t know that Dieter’s creepy blond friend had a Christmas album. Must be very popular back in Germany.

22. The Border Brass: Tijuana Christmas

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure Tijuana, Mexico isn't known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don't have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Or as someone who spent high school and college playing in marching band: How Not to Decorate Your Instrument for Christmas. I mean putting baubles at the bell end of your trumpet is a very terrible idea. Also, playing with mittens doesn’t help either.

23. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it's tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Have a Kentucky Fried Christmas with the Colonel because who in the hell needs healthy arteries this holiday season?

24. Slim Whitman: Christmas with Slim Whitman

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I'm sure Slim Whitman's music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians' heads explode.

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.

I’m sure this Christmas album was totally not contractually obligated. Sure it was.

25. Korla Pandit: Merry Xmas

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Finally, the kind of Christmas music to charm snakes with. Also, totally not contractually obligated (yeah right, this guy probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas).

26. Jimmy Buffet: Christmas Island

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic mission searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.

Nothing says Christmas like a guy in a Santa hat floating across the sea in a bathtub decked with Christmas lights and tinsel decorations.

27. The Goldiggers: We Need a Little Christmas

I'm sure that's whatever in those presents aren't exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of "Santa Baby." You get the idea.

I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.

Merry Christmas from the Society of Retired Bond Girls, apparently. Then again, these women might’ve been in the James Coburn Our Man Flint series, which my dad likes for some reason. Of course, they were making fun of the Bond movies. Still, that In Like Flint makes me understand why many women became feminists (because it was horribly sexist).

28. Jacob Miller and Ray I: Natty Christmas

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you're done with it.

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.

Jacob and Ray wish that all of you develop a lot of high times this Christmas and have a stoned New Year.

29. Merry Christmas

As you've probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who's able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

Merry Christmas from the cherry 100 ft tall Asian child, who’ll probably be destined to square off with Godzilla in Tokyo someday.

30. Joyeux Noel

Seriously, that tan doesn't look real at all. Still, she doesn't seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Nothing says Christmas than an aluminum Christmas tree and a depressed blond who seems to be spending too much time in the tanning salon.

31. Domencio Savino and his Orchestra and Chorus: Hi-Fi Christmas Party

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I'll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

There’s nothing that brings a family together for Christmas than a mother and her children cheerfully attempting to hold Santa hostage in his sack.

32. Sing with Marcy

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I'm sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams.

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.

Because you celebrate the birth of Christ without hearing a scary woman decked in red and furs sing about Jesus with her equally creepy dummy.

33. Michl Kang: Wenn’s Christmaskindl Kommit

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could've used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

Looks like Grandpa made young Jurgen cry after he  told the kiddies about the legendary Krampus. Probably scared the shit out him that there’s a large dark spot on Jurgen’s lederhosen.

34. Jackie Gleason: All I Want for Christmas

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn't known for being blond bombshell singer. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight. He was also at least middle aged at the time. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would've been more appropriate.

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.

When your job is to design an album cover and you’ve run out of ideas, you’ll more likely go with putting a blond bombshell in a Santa suit on it.

35. Rudy Ray Moore: This Ain’t No White Christmas

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Because there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” in the realm of blackploitation. Also a way of telling the world, “I’m a pimp.”

36. Phil Spector: Christmas Album

We should've known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

Now this Santa seems so sketchy with an insane look in his eyes that you’d think he might be out to kill somebody. Oh, wait, that’s Phil Spector so he did. And that snow looks totally fake.

37. Bordello Mamas: Julvisor

Still, I have to admire this cover artist's use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Nothing excites a bunch of naked women more than a pantsless Santa and his sack full of dildos. Possibly the most inappropriate album cover I’ve ever seen as well as the most unnecessary since porn is more of a visual medium if you know what I mean.

38. Nuttin’ and Suzy Snowflake: Nuttin’ for Christmas and Suzy Snowflake

Yes, I'm sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they're creepy as hell.

Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.

Now you get a glimpse on what it’s like to spend the holidays with Chucky’s family.

39. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

Still, whether you like it or not, I'm sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let's hope it's not made from baby seals.

Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.

If it weren’t for Liberace being flamboyantly gay, I would’ve sworn that he was Lady Gaga’s biological father.

40. Lagna Fieta and his Orchestra: Natal Dancante

I know that the title translates to: "Christmas Dance Party" from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don't think the term "dance party" comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

Or as I call it: Santa Claus and the Missing White Woman.

41. Kay Martin and her Body Guards: I Know What He Wants for Christmas But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It!

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it's kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to "Dick in a Box." But that only applies to guys.

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.

For God’s sake, lady, I’m sure we all know how to keep your present a secret this Christmas. Still, he might appreciate something more concrete like a new wallet, some tools an gadgets, or perhaps a jersey from his favorite sports team.

42. Merry Christmas to You

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren't exactly people you'd expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Apparently, in the 1960s, being clothed in nothing but clear plastic was considered wholesomely dressed.

43. Ross Christman: Space Age Santa Claus

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

Santa Claus sends his Christmas wishes, from Space!

44. Tim Dinkins: Christmas on the Moon

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Guess Santa Claus took part in the Apollo Space Program didn’t he? At least this space album makes better sense from the last one. Guess Santa’s involvement was a state secret.

45. The Three Suns: A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas!

Still, I wonder if she either "spread eagle" as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don't want to know.

Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like this woman just got lucky on the ice three times over in “spread eagle” mode. Luckily this wasn’t during the hockey game. Still, makes me shudder to think what kind of figure 8s these guys gave her.

46. It’s a Waffle House Christmas

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don't go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man's version of "Hotel California."

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”

Celebrate Christmas with the sounds of perhaps one of the more depressing places to stay during the Christmas season.

47. Anne Guest Moore: Welcome to the World of Anne Guest Moore

Well, I'm sure she's only doing the Santa's Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it's in a velvet costume.

Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.

While not spending her nights at lavish parties during the evening as a lady of the night, she spends her time during the day as an elf for Santa at the mall.

48. Connie Francis: Christmas in My Heart

Seriously, whoever she's on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can't take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Well, while Christmas may be in her heart, I’m sure the person she’s on the phone with isn’t.

49. John Tesh: A Romantic Christmas

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, "John Tesh is coming!" Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn't available in DVD. Bastards.

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.

Only romance going on here is whether John Tesh decides to spare this lady from his advances this Christmas Eve.

50. Disco Noel

I don't know about you but I really don't think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

At your Christmas party, celebrate the holiday season with your Christmas classics set to funky disco music.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Image

When it comes to music, sometimes an album cover can make all the difference in marketing. Some of them are awesome and iconic that people remember the artist and album forever like the Beatles Abbey Road and others, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and others. However, we’re not going to focus on the albums of legends here. Instead, I’m focusing on some of the tackiest of the trade (within reason) so you all can laugh at them. So without further adieu here are some terrible album covers that should never have been created. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Ken: By Requests Only

Sure I'll be taking requests, just not from this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

Sure I’ll be taking requests, just not by this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

See all your 1970’s fashion horrors all on one album cover. I mean the guy has a 1970’s porn stache and leisure suit which kind of suggests his day job.

2. I Aint Into That!: The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III

This guy is sure ain't looking gangsta in that picture.

This guy is sure ain’t looking gangsta in that picture.

That portrait is highly inappropriate for a rap album. Seriously, the title may be make it seem like a rap title but the presentation seems to remind me of the 1960s R&B Motown.

3. Manowar Anthology

Either that or in a 1980s fantasy porn movie.

Either that or in a 1980s fantasy porn movie.

Okay, somehow this album image reminds me of a 1980s hair band on a Harlequin romance novel cover.

4. Orleans: Walking and Dreaming

Of course, these guys don't keep any secrets from each other and may even have orgies.

Of course, these guys don’t keep any secrets from each other and may even have orgies.

Actually their chests don’t look that bad but the guys seem to be too close and personal, suggesting that they may be more than friends.

5. Freddy Gage: All My Friends Are Dead

This would've been better if it featured a dinosaur instead. At least we would know why all his friends are dead.

This would’ve been better if it featured a dinosaur instead. At least we would know why all his friends are dead.

So give this album to police so they would know where he hid their bodies.

6. Junior Parker: Love Ain’t Nothin’ But a Business Going On

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a ho to me. Sorry, NAACP.

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a prostitute to me. Sorry, NAACP, but it just does.

Of course, this album cover is very suggestive on what kind of business his love may be: a prostitution ring. Unless “Junior” is the girl in the picture, then she’s probably a hooker.

7. The Simmons: “Touch of God”

Of course, these ladies may need the touch of God since their sense of fashion is going to doom them to Hell.

Of course, these ladies may need the touch of God since their sense of fashion is going to doom them to Hell.

And the loss of fashion sense. God, the pattern of the women’s dress is more appropriate for a couch.

8. Joyce

Also, has worse fashion sense than I do with that awful looking dress and old lady hair.

Also, has worse fashion sense than I do with that awful looking dress and old lady hair.

Or your dad’s third grade teacher like you’ve never seen her before.

9. “Jesus Use Me” by the Faith Tones

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I’m thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Or the old CVS employees with 1960s hair that use more hair products than the cast of Hairspray put together.

10. The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

Feel free to break in shits and giggles over this one. Still, I hope "Him" refers to God, please.

Feel free to break in shits and giggles over this one. Still, I hope “Him” refers to God, please.

Is it just me, or do 1970s Christian labels have bad album cover designers. Also, any album with “Ministers” and “Let Me Touch Him” sounds very, very wrong.

11. The Hollywood Playboys Orchestra: Music for Playboys to Play by

I mean the guy's Satan and is up to no good. The girl is obviously drinking and has loose inhibitions. Perhaps this is an album featuring "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

I mean the guy’s Satan and is up to no good. The girl is obviously drinking and has loose inhibitions. Perhaps this is an album featuring “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

So you can be the devil to the woman at the party. Is it just me or does cover seems to suggest date rape or something?

12. Bruno Maltise: Heaven’s Hitman

Repent, sinner, or this guy will make you swim with fishes. Seriously, he's here to show us that God's grace is an offer we can't refuse.

Repent, sinner, or this guy will make you swim with fishes. Seriously, he’s here to show us that God’s grace is an offer we can’t refuse.

And by looking at his picture, I can certainly believe it.

13. Brainstorm: Smile a While

This is wrong. Really wrong. Then again, they probably got the clothes from Victoria's Secret since they look good on the models. Perhaps this album is a tribute to them.

This is wrong. Really wrong. Then again, they probably got the clothes from Victoria’s Secret since they look good on the models. Perhaps this album is a tribute to them.

While I have no qualms of guys in women’s clothes, I’m not sure about seeing guys in women’s underwear. Also, is the person on the far right an actual woman?

14. Svetlana Gruebersolvik: My Lips Are for Blowing

And, boy, do her lips blow hard on wood, too. Just look at the cover.

And, boy, do her lips blow hard on wood, too. Just look at the cover.

From my years of playing clarinet in high school and college, I can guess anything related to blowing wood can carry a double meaning. I remember that old chant from my high school years: “Who are we?” “Yough woodwinds!” “What do we do?” “We blow wood hard!” “Louder!” “We blow wood hard!”

15. Limbo Party

Because limbo isn't limbo unless you have to go under a rope set on fire so your hair doesn't burn to a crisp.

Because limbo isn’t limbo unless you have to go under a rope set on fire so your hair doesn’t burn to a crisp.

When going under the limbo stick may result in first degree burns or hair singing when you touch it.

16. John Graas: Jazz Labs 2

Of course, he probably keeps his acid stashed in that French horn of his.

Of course, he probably keeps his acid stashed in that French horn of his.

Didn’t know jazz artists made their own acid or played French horn.

17. Mike Crain Karatist Preacher: God’s Power

Because the cement blocks aren't just going to break with his hands alone.

Because the cement blocks aren’t just going to break with his hands alone.

Perhaps this is the 1970’s way of appealing to a younger demographic.

18. Chanukah Carols

Now I know what Hanukah Joe looks like and he's kind of freaky like Santa. Also, where's the menorah?

Now I know what Hanukah Joe looks like and he’s kind of freaky like Santa. Also, where’s the menorah?

Perfect if you’re a Jew who wants to get the kiddies excited in the Chanukah festivities without them asking you why you don’t celebrate Christmas.

19. Tex Williams: Smoke, Smoke, Smoke

Of course, side effects include: cancer, emphysema, COPD, stroke, heart attack, loss of lung, rapid aging, and all kinds of health problems probably leading to an early demise. Not to mention, smoking kills 1/3 of its users.

Of course, side effects include: cancer, emphysema, COPD, stroke, heart attack, loss of lung, rapid aging, and all kinds of health problems probably leading to an early demise. Not to mention, smoking kills 1/3 of its users.

Later retitled: Croak, Croak, Croak.

20. Hey, Mr. Banjo

Get this creepy blackface guy outta here before the NAACP sees this.

Get this creepy blackface guy outta here before the NAACP sees this since they’d rather perish in a pit of fire before seeing an image that even remotely reminds them of the offensive blackface minstrel show. Perhaps the most racist and offensive album cover I’ve seen yet.

The sight of this album is sure to start race riots, especially in the South. Sad to say but this album would’ve looked a lot better if the guy didn’t wear blackface. And everyone would be a lot happier, too.

21. Music for Big Dame Hunters

Of course, I wonder how many innocent animals had to die to get this hideous album cover. Also, what's with the arrows in the safari hat?

Of course, I wonder how many innocent animals had to die to get this hideous album cover. Also, what’s with the arrows in the safari hat?

Of course, a cover like this would make PETA scream in horror and then use the ad pitch in one of their commercials.

22.Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk, Too

Of course, ents and the Lorax may know that but I think they'd still be freaked out by woman and dummy sex pairings.

Of course, ents and the Lorax may know that but I think they’d still be freaked out by woman and dummy sex pairings.

And so do dummies, apparently. Tell me this is an album and not a horror movie.

23. Tijuana Brass: Whipped Cream & Other Delights

So much whipped cream, so needlessly wasted on that lady. Of course, if it's shaving cream, at least she didn't have to shave her legs.

So much whipped cream, so needlessly wasted on that lady. Of course, if it’s shaving cream, at least she didn’t have to shave her legs.

I’m sure no one wants a naked woman in their topping, no matter how sexy she may be.

24. The Braillettes: Our Hearts Keep Singing

Those poor ladies. Why do record labels subject them to such cruelty for those aspiring in the music business.

Those poor ladies. Why do record labels subject them to such cruelty for those aspiring in the music business.

This is a very terrible form of abuse to blind people, especially putting them in pastel dresses and 1960s hairstyles.

25. Erick and Beverly Messegee: Amen!

Seriously, Christians, what's with the attractive women and dummies on your albums? Look, I know many of you think homosexuality is unnatural but at least gays want to have relationships with actual people.

Seriously, Christians, what’s with the attractive women and dummies on your albums? Look, I know many of you think homosexuality is unnatural but at least gays want to have relationships with actual people. Methinks you protest too much.

This is probably a heartwarming album by an elderly dummy and his hot trophy wife.

26. Count Your Blessings by Willie Sutherland

Of course, for those who don't know what The Night of the Hunter is about note that the Reverend Powell is a bluebeard preacher who's willing to kill women and children just to get a hold of their money.

Of course, for those who don’t know what The Night of the Hunter is about note that the Reverend Powell is a bluebeard preacher who’s willing to kill women and children just to get a hold of their money.

It seems that this adorable little girl is standing on a pew with two ministers dressed like the Reverend Powell from The Night of the Hunter.

27. God Isn’t Dead!: By Gertrude Bethanna

Apparently God doesn't seem to help this woman's substance abuse problem. Seriously, Christians, what's with the pretty woman and the booze bottles and hypo needle?

Apparently God doesn’t seem to help this woman’s substance abuse problem. Seriously, Christians, what’s with the pretty woman and the booze bottles and hypo needle?

God may not be dead but he may be wondering why there are a bunch of booze bottles and hypodermic needles in the background.

28. Xavier Cugat and His Orchestra: Bread, Love, and Cha Cha Cha

Apparently, he loves his bread a lot more than he loves women. Doesn't seem much interested in her.

Apparently, he loves his bread a lot more than he loves women. Doesn’t seem much interested in her. I sense he seems to go for the French loaves, doesn’t he?

Guess he’s kind of “pansexual” meaning he’s into bread.

29. John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

Either this is about something regarding the age of consent or her driver’s license. Let’s hope it’s her driver’s license.

Look, buddy, just because she’s at the age of consent doesn’t mean you can’t be subjected to Megan’s Law. Seriously, this is a terrible album cover.

30. Forsaken Doll by Maria Leonora

Perhaps she's the ex-girlfriend of Chucky using the Taylor Swift model of therapy. I think Chucky may have had a good reason to dump her though since she's creepy as hell.

Perhaps she’s the ex-girlfriend of Chucky using the Taylor Swift model of therapy. I think Chucky may have had a good reason to dump her though since she’s creepy as hell.

Nothing like a creepy doll on an album to give you nightmares.

31. Ritchie Family: Bad Reputation

At least the Ritchies know how to pick up hunky guys to pose for their album covers. Of course, there's a chance all those guys are gay.

At least the Ritchies know how to pick up hunky guys to pose for their album covers. Of course, there’s a chance all those guys are gay.

No wonder Lionel went solo.

32. Orion: Reborn

Of course, he just might be Mr. Fantastic embarking on a music career.

Of course, he just might be Mr. Fantastic embarking on a music career and Orion may just happen to be his stage name. He’s wearing a mask so his family doesn’t recognize him in this embarrassing photo from the 1970s.

I’m sorry but carnival masks and blue leisure suits just don’t mix.

33. Boned: Up at the Crack

I don't know how this guy got his guitar in his pants but I sure don't want to find out.

I don’t know how this guy got his guitar in his pants but I sure don’t want to find out.

Most unintentionally inappropriate album art ever.

34. Rat on!: Swamp Dogg

Of course, rats like the one on this album were probably once fed to Godzilla at one time as a midnight snack.

Of course, rats like the one on this album were probably once fed to Godzilla at one time as a midnight snack.

Featured on the cover with his giant genetically mutated rat.

35. Scorpions: Lovedrive

You're probably better off throwing your chewed up gum out the window. Besides, the lady is so not wearing a bra.

You’re probably better off throwing your chewed up gum out the window. Besides, the lady is so not wearing a bra.

Of course, this guy would’ve fondled his girlfriend’s breast until he found out she was using her chewing gum to keep her dress covered.

36. Foster Edwards’ Orchestra: What’s Next?

Of course, the mop top elephants probably ended up smashing a lot of the instruments so the orchestra had release this album to pay for repairs.

Of course, the mop top elephants probably ended up smashing a lot of the instruments so the orchestra had release this album to pay for repairs.

Of course, they had to make another album after the elephant Beatles cover band experiment failed horribly.

37. Mr. Bat Sings

Behold, the international singing sensation of your nightmares. Seriously, this clown is creepy.

Behold, the international singing sensation of your nightmares. Seriously, this clown is creepy.

Scary clown sings songs to keep you up all night or make your pants brown.

38. Satan Is Real by the Louvins Brothers

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they're probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they’re probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Yet, they don’t seem to be upset in the fiery hellscape.Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

And he clearly doesn’t seem to enjoy your taste in music.

39. Shut Up and Dance!: Dance before the Police Come

Of course, I don't think people would be scared of two shirtless black dudes with big ass machetes and numchucks. Because they'd be more scary with guns as far as some white people are concerned.

Of course, I don’t think people would be scared of two shirtless black dudes with big ass machetes and numchucks. Because they’d be more scary with guns as far as some white people are concerned.

Sure but what’s with the all the crazy weapons? I mean two machetes and numchucks?

40. Fire Down Under: Riot

Of course, you don't want to club this cute and terrifying baby seal. Or else it will kill you.

Of course, you don’t want to club this cute and terrifying baby seal. Or else it will kill you. Beware the baby seal of vengeance.

Apparently this cover was designed on behalf of baby seal protection because one of them may return for revenge against humanity.

41. Heino: Liebe Mutter

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy. Also, I'm not sure if that person's really a guy.

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy as well as more suited for some kind of Dieter inspired music video they seem to have in Germany.

From the guy who looks like an Andy Warhol stand-in holding roses.

42. I’m God’s Child by the Cooper Family

You'd think they'd know better and shop for a decent pair of clothes and get a sensible hairdo but no. Also, I hope they're actually in their house for I kind of fear for them getting pursued by evil spirits.

You’d think they’d know better and shop for a decent pair of clothes and get a sensible hairdo but no. Also, I hope they’re actually in their house for I kind of fear for them getting pursued by evil spirits.

Wholesome Christian family with no fashion sense standing in front of their medieval dungeon fireplace.

43. Devastatin’ Dave: Zip, Zap, Rap

Let's just say, no one would think this is a rap album if you dress like Bruce Springsteen on the cover. Also, a pink and black polo shirt for men?

Let’s just say, no one would think this is a rap album if you dress like Bruce Springsteen on the cover. Also, a pink and black polo shirt for men?

Is this a rap or exercise album? Seriously, that 1980s Tom Selleck look doesn’t seem to remind me of something a rapper would wear.

44. Johnny Guitar Watson: A Real Mother

Seriously, why have an baby carriage built for adults? Surely this guy's street cred is ruined.

Seriously, why have an baby carriage built for adults? Surely this guy’s street cred is ruined.

Sorry, but I don’t think the man sized baby carriage resembling a classy car sort of kills it for me.

45. Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts

Of course, dogs basically hump anything that moves, not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, there are probably some gay dogs around that enjoy music so maybe he's providing a service.

Of course, dogs basically hump anything that moves, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Still, there are probably some gay dogs around that enjoy music so maybe he’s providing a service.

Guess there’s something for everybody.

46. Dickie Harrell: Drums and More Drums

Either she's the daughter of Shiva or this is photoshopped (probably more likely). Still, this is pretty freaky.

Either she’s the daughter of Shiva or this is photoshopped (probably more likely). Still, this is pretty freaky.

Of course, since this is an album by a six armed drummer, it’s no wonder.

47. The Electric Amish: A Hard Day’s Work

They seem to consider a donkey as a member of their band. Of course, I hope they don't cause any offense with the actual Amish who probably never heard of this. Not to mention, I don't think these guys are Amish.

They seem to consider a donkey as a member of their band. Of course, I hope they don’t cause any offense with the actual Amish who probably never heard of this. Not to mention, I don’t think these guys are Amish.

Didn’t know an Amish group released a Beatles cover album. I thought they wouldn’t be into that sort of thing since they don’t care much for technology past the 18th century.

48. Lots of Love & Peace from Happy Louie, Julcia, and the Boys

Still, the designer was probably on some kind of brown acid from Woodstock.

Still, the designer was probably on some kind of brown acid from Woodstock. Also, whenever I see a psychedelic font, I want to see a psychedelic rock group, not a freaking polka band which this appears to be.

From the font, you may think this is a psychedelic rock album but it’s actually nothing of the sort.

49. Expose Yourself to Cajun Music and Johnny Janot

Sure he may do some shocking things to get people to hear his music but at least he's not showing his junk. He has a long coat to cover that up not that he's wearing anything underneath it.

Sure he may do some shocking things to get people to hear his music but at least he’s not showing his junk. He has a long coat to cover that up not that he’s wearing anything underneath it.

Apparently, this cover makes me want to avoid the latter. Still, this flashing Cajun musician is probably the Naked Cowboy’s father.

50. The Addicts Sing

Look, I don't know about you but if I want to hear the music of former drug addicts, I'd listen to a greatest hits compilation album of almost any genre. I mean drug addicts have done rock, R&B soul, country, classical, jazz, and others. Of course, this is a Christian album but still.

Look, I don’t know about you but if I want to hear the music of former drug addicts, I’d listen to a greatest hits compilation album of almost any genre. I mean drug addicts have done rock, R&B soul, country, classical, jazz, and others. Of course, this is a Christian album but still addiction is very common in the music industry.

Well, that’s nice there’s an album of former addicts singing but they hardly seem like addicts to me. However, the musical art form is no stranger when it comes to featuring artists with drug addictions so this is not even a novelty. Also, what’s with the skyscraper and the disembodied heads?