The Cinematic Wilderness Survival Guide

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Since Daniel Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe and even before then, survival stories have always been a source of endless entertainment to the masses living in civilization. Today you have survival movies like Castaway and The Revenant along with TV series like Lost and The Walking Dead, and even reality programs like Survivor or stuff from the Discovery Channel. Many of what you see about surviving in the wilderness or devastated urban environment isn’t necessarily what’s going to help you in real life. Reality shows have camera crews and don’t really depict reality anyway. And survival stories that took place in historical times may feature characters that do stuff that violate basic common sense. Here I have a list of survival tips you get from movies and why they’re totally wrong.

It’s likely that you will suddenly end up in a classic survival scenario. (Most people who end up in a classic survival scenario usually do so through a series of bad decisions that, if you don’t take immediate action, you might die. Real survival isn’t about being the toughest and most experienced, but keeping out of those situations through basic common sense. Not to mention, being flexible as well as swallowing stubbornness and pride. For instance, a lot of your classic survival heroes probably wouldn’t be in such situations if they {or someone else} didn’t make the decision to travel to the location in the first place. Still, if you’re fishing in a lake when you see lightning, get off the lake. It’s that simple).

You can live off the land with no problem. (From How to Survive It: “When the settlers landed on Plymouth Rock, they had plenty of experience living off the land (hunting, foraging, farming, etc.) and were well-versed in primitive skills like fire-starting and making the most of natural resources, yet they still nearly starved to death. Today there are fewer wild animals and edible plants and far more people than then, and few people possess even a fraction of the skills that our settlers had. If living off the land is your only plan to sustain yourself and your family, you’re in for some rough, potentially deadly times.”)

A gun is the most important thing you’ll need. (Guns may be great to have when surviving the wilderness or a post-apocalyptic scenario, but they will not help you if you’re thirsty or have a medical emergency. While a gun may protect you from criminals {though not always reliably}, you’re more likely to die of disease or accidents. So unless you’re in a situation similar to Oregon Trail, you’re better off stocking on food and medical supplies before buying a gun).

You don’t need to prepare for survival in a short hike. (Even short hikes can become dire survival situations. The weather may get bad. You might get lost or injured. Always have a few key items with you before you venture into the outdoors like extra clothes, a map, a compass, a flashlight, first aid kit, as well as extra snacks and water. Also, always let someone know where you’re going and when you plan to come back so they could notify a search party to rescue you if you don’t).

If you get into trouble, you can always be lifted to a hospital by helicopter. (Not if the area doesn’t have cell phone reception. Or if there’s severe weather conditions. Or in places where helicopters can’t reach you. If you’re hiking in South America, you will not have a helicopter to rescue you and emergencies must be handled by guides, porters, and other hikers. Some may not be able to speak English. And even if a helicopter rescue is possible, there’s still the matter of getting in touch with someone who can send it).

Space blankets are useless. (From Outdoor Life: “Those Mylar-coated emergency blankets certainly don’t look very warm. How on earth can something no thicker than a trash bag save your life? Well, though the aluminum coating on these blankets is very thin, it is thermal-reflective. In other words, it can redirect infrared energy, which means that it reflects heat. When you are getting cold due to shock or exposure, it’s because the heat you were radiating is lost to the air and not replaced. With a space blanket wrapped around you, however, the moisture in your clothes won’t evaporate {which causes cooling} and you won’t lose as much heat to the air moving around you {limiting convective heat loss}. So you will stay warm when you’re wrapped up in this sheet that looks like tin foil. And since these lifesaving blankets pack down so small and are so cheap, there’s no reason to run around in the bush without carrying a few of them.”)

You can depend on your cell phone to save you. (If you’re miles away from civilization, this might not be the case. Besides, batteries die, reception is spotty, and your phone isn’t invincible. You’re better off being appropriately prepared and letting people know where you’re going and when you’ll return. So if you don’t come back within a certain amount of time, that person can trigger a search and rescue operation for you).

Being able to survive in the wilderness takes a lot of skills and physical fitness. (This isn’t necessarily true because ordinary and unassuming men, women, and children can also survive and have as long as they have the will, the positive-realistic attitude, and the emotional resilience to endure. Also, it helps that you’re smart and use common sense as well as don’t get yourself in a deadly scenario).

Wearing wet clothes is better than no clothes at all. (From Survive All: “Water has a nasty habit of holding on to its temperature for long periods of time, so if you have just fallen through ice and you get out and keep your clothes on, all you are doing is keeping yourself cold. You are better off naked than in wet clothes.” Yeah, probably don’t want to risk getting hypothermia).

Wait a day or more to see if help arrives before starting anything. (Always plan if help isn’t coming though hope it does).

Dead or dormant poison ivy can’t hurt you. (From Backpacker: “Urushiol, the oil in poison ivy that prompts allergic reactions when in contact with skin, remains active for several years after the plant dies. Furthermore, the urushiol is not just in the leaves of the plant, but is also present in the roots and stems. So how do you pinpoint poison ivy when there are no leaves? Luckily, this toxic plant produces aerial roots, making the vines appear “hairy”—a handy sign for shoulder-season hikers.”)

Shelter:

Shelter means coverage. (Adequate shelter has very little to do with coverage and everything to do with protection from the elements. In a hot sunny climate, this means shade. In cold or temperate climate, this means warmth. Poorly built shacks with roofs and walls are a poor way to protect yourself from the cold. Making a small nest that insulates the ground and provides some wind protection vastly recommended before building a roof).

Lean-tos make great shelters. (Yes, they look cool and are easy, but it’s better to go with something that has 4 walls, a doorway, and a roof. And if it’s cold, try to insulate the ground before building a roof.)

During a thunderstorm, it’s best to seek shelter from lightning under a tree. (Since I was a kid, I knew hiding under a tree during a thunderstorm is just absolutely insane. Lightning is attracted to height, pointy objects, and isolation, which are often associated with trees. Also, unlike skyscrapers, towers, and other tall buildings, trees don’t have lightning rods. Best to seek shelter in a home or car. And if these aren’t options, crouch down on the balls of your feet. If you’re in a group do so at least 100 yards from the other members of your party to reduce the risk of being hit together, allowing the others to administer CPR if necessary. Lying flat on the ground might lower your profile even more but it increases your chance of picking up the ground current and it’s not advised).

Shelters should be built from dead materials. (From The Good Survivalist: “This one came from our friends in the ‘green’ survival movement. They are far more concerned that a few trees might get killed than they are about your life. All advice from them should be considered highly suspect. Imagine building your shelter as a big pile of dead leaves and wood. Now imagine having a campfire anywhere near that. Do you really want to climb in there and go to sleep? Nuff’ said.” Chopping down a few trees for a shelter the forest isn’t going to contribute to deforestation much).

Navigation:

You’ll never get lost with a GPS. (From Outdoor Life: “If you can afford one, you should always take a GPS unit with you into the backcountry. These high-tech navigational tools are easy to use, and more important, they always let you know where you are. But they aren’t a fail-safe against getting lost. If you misplace or break the unit, or your batteries die, you’d better have a map and compass (and the knowledge to use them) as a backup. Navigation isn’t just about knowing where you are; it’s about knowing which way to go as well.”)

Always walk your way to safety. (In some situations, conserving energy and hydrating might be your best bet like in the desert. It’s also best that you take 30 minute breaks to let the adrenaline flush out of your system so you can make decisions with a clear frame of mind as well as assess your injuries, which is often overlooked in survival manuals).

It’s always a good idea to climb a tree to look for the trail ahead. (From Getting Out Alive: “Although gaining a high vantage point can give you a better view of things ahead, climbing a tree is both exhausting and dangerous and is not worth the energy expenditure, nor the risk of injury.”)

As long as you can find North, you can navigate to safety. (From Getting Out Alive: “North is meaningless unless you know which direction you must travel to reach safety. Knowing where you are in relation to a safe destination is the only important issue.”)

Always hike through the night to avoid the heat during the day. (From Getting Out Alive: “In hot regions, use the morning hours for hiking, from just after daybreak until the heat comes up. Hunker down during the heat of the day, but do not travel through the night or you risk injury or becoming lost.”)

Always travel swiftly to get out of a survival situation as quickly as possible. (Travel cautiously and avoid injury at all cost. Because suffering an injury might be the very thing that kills you.)

Wildlife:

Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will not bring you any harm. Heck, the adult animals may even let you hold their cubs. (This was in Disney’s Pocahontas. Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will result in an emergency room visit or some time in the ICU if you’re lucky {assuming the animal is large enough like a deer or a bear}. Because doing so will lead its parents to perceive you as a threat and they will attack you. If you value your life, do not go anywhere near baby animals. If you see a helpless baby animal that’s alone for more than 24 hours, malnourished, or sick call animal control if you can. Else, just beat it and leave the animal alone. Sure it might fall prey to predators or the elements, but at least you’ll be alive. Note that what you see happen to Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant was not something most people survived without medical treatment. In fact, quite the contrary {though Leo’s case in that movie can be excused since the real Hugh Glass was attacked by a bear in the 1820s and did survive but it was through sheer dumb luck [because we do know he was killed by Native Americans in 1833]. And it’s unlikely that the bear attacked him that way since it would’ve paralyzed him. Still, while Fitzgerald and Bridger left Glass for dead, they did so because they were so convinced he wouldn’t survive}).

You can always count on the woodland creatures to help you when you’re stranded in the woods. (Sorry, but this isn’t Snow White for crying out loud. Seriously, the best way the woodland creatures could help you is by being your dinner).

Always punch an attacking shark in the nose. (Most people lack the upper body strength to strike a blow powerful enough to stun a shark, especially when punching in the water. Shark attack experts generally recommend clawing the shark in the gills and eyes instead. Because sharks will naturally try to protect their vision and respiration capabilities. A sharp blow or a scratch to either may be enough to scare a shark away. Sharks look for easy prey and most won’t risk safety for a quick meal.)

If a bear approaches you, just play dead. (Maybe if it’s a mother grizzly defending her cubs. But if it’s any other kind of bear {namely a black bear which you’re more likely to encounter in North America}, it might attack you anyway. Your best bet is making yourself look intimidating which can be accomplished by opening your jacket, spreading out your arms, and shouting. Hopefully the bear would be spooked and run away. Also avoid making eye contact with a grizzly or it might consider it a challenge).

When in contact with a bear, the best way to avoid an attack is to out run it. (If you run into a bear, don’t ever try to outrun it. Because you can’t. Bears run at 30mph which is faster than Usain Bolt. Yes, even he can’t outrun a bear, let alone you. Instead, stay where you are. If it’s a black bear, make yourself look big such as opening your coat, holding out your arms over your head, as well as shout and scream until it’s spooked and takes off. If it’s a grizzly, avoid eye contact and back away slowly. If it charges, stand your ground. If it makes physical contact, cover your vitals and play dead. Either way, bring bear or pepper spray).

If you come across a sick or injured animal, try to help it. (Stay the hell away from it or run like hell. Because sick and wounded animals can be very dangerous, especially if they have rabies. Besides, wounded animals can still attack you. Best to call animal control if you can).

Water is a good escape from a bee attack. (I’ve seen this a lot in movies, TV, and cartoons. Nevertheless, despite multiple accounts of people avoiding swarms doing so, they proved to be fruitless since the bees were there waiting when the people came up for air. Instead of running into the water, seek refuge in a car or building. If these options aren’t available, just keep running, especially through a brush or thicket. Bees have been known to pursue people for half a mile and the run will be worth a reprieve).

Wildlife is always your biggest problem. (As long as you don’t do anything to disturb or try to feed them, the animals will not bother you. You’re more likely to encounter a wild animal in more urbanized areas than in the woods. Then again, this might be relevant in Africa, but if your stranded in North America, wildlife is the least of your worries).

Immediately put up protection against animals like wolves. (The best you can protect yourself against an animal is to stay away from It and don’t do anything to piss them off. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Besides, predators like wolves are more interested in easy prey. A big fire is normally enough).

Garlic repels mosquitoes. (What repels mosquitoes is mosquito repellant like DEET, not garlic.)

Venomous snakes have triangular heads. (A snake’s head shape is irrelevant on whether it’s poisonous or not).

Bears are only active at dawn or dusk. (Bears can be active at any time of the day but are mostly out at dusk).

First Aid:

If you or your friend is bitten by a poisonous snake, cutting an “X” and orally sucking is advised. (Yes, this method was used by 19th century American pioneers which you see in westerns, where it would be appropriate. But like a lot of 19th century medical advice, this is idiotic and disgusting as well as medically worthless. What’s best advised is washing the wound, putting a bandage on it, and seeking medical attention immediately such as calling 911. Because sucking the venom poses a risk for both the victim and the person sucking the poison out {even if one’s careful not the swallow the envenomed blood}. And if there are sores on the mouth, the venom may likely end up in the sucker’s bloodstream. In addition, consider the pathogens present in a person’s mouth. Still, it’s better to prevent poisonous snake bites by simply not putting your hands or feet where you can’t see. Also a dead rattlesnake can still bite you long after it’s been squished on the highway since its bite reflex is still intact for several hours.  In addition, out of the 5600 who get bitten by rattlesnakes in North America, only 5 or 6 died while 30% only experienced a dry bite, meaning there may not be poison in the bite at all).

If CPR doesn’t work, then it’s perfectly fine to strike random hammer fists to the center of a victim’s heart to restart the heart. (This is called a precordial thump, and it’s not a free beating, but a precisely aimed blow delivered by an expert in an attempt to interrupt a life-threatening rhythm if there’s no defibrillator available and can only be attempted once).

To treat frostbite, rub the frozen tissue with snow or immerse it in cold water. (Immerse the tissue in warm water but only when it’s certain the tissue won’t refreeze. Otherwise, doing so will only increase risk of permanent damage just like rubbing it with snow or immersing it in cold water would. You could also use painkillers if available).

If someone is suffering from hypothermia, it’s best that you throw them in hot water. (This would actually cause their core temperature to shoot right up, inviting the colder fluid from the extremities in. Such treatment would make the person even colder or worse mess up their heart. While alcohol can create a quick rush of warmth by dilating blood vessels, the same effect can cause a faster and very dangerous drop in temperature. Also keep in mind about causing excruciating pain or a heart attack. Better to put hot water bottles in both armpits or skin to skin rewarming).

Giving alcohol to someone suffering from hypothermia always keeps them warm. (Alcohol only gives you the illusion of warmth when you’re freezing but actually drops your core temperature. Might make you feel better for a few minutes even though it’s actually killing you faster).

If someone isn’t breathing or if there’s no pulse, slapping your unconscious buddy a couple of times after getting all angry and yelling at them will make them come around. (Best to move them to a place with cell phone reception and call 911).

Treat burns with butter or oil. (Butter or oil will worsen any burn from sunburn to 3rd degree and possibly get it infected. Skin that’s recently burned/still burning is 1st or 2nd degree (like sunburns, contact with a hot object, dropped cigarette on leg, etc.), immerse it in spray or spray it with cool water to stop ongoing damage. If it’s 3rd degree, then try to keep it cool and clean, but call 911 and wait for professionals to arrive rather than using cold running water).

Always remove impaling foreign objects from wounds. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie even though he should’ve known better. From TV Tropes: “Generally they’ve smashed all the bits they’re going to smash, and are now acting as a plug on the wound – and an infection can be fought off with antibiotics at the hospital. Pull the plug, and you may be dead in minutes. Barbed weapons might tear more flesh and if they don’t, you’re unlikely to be able to pull it out at the exact angle it went in.” So if you’re in a wilderness area with cell phone reception, just call 911. If not, then get to one).

Bullets should always be removed from gunshot wounds. (Hunting seasons aside, getting shot in the wilderness isn’t very likely to happen in real life. But in movies and TV, you might see this a lot, especially in war or post-apocalypse movies. A bullet can remain undetected inside someone for years and not cause any problems. The only times when a bullet should be removed is if it’s still traveling in the body, its becoming dislodged can cause fatal injury {in which case the doctors want to remove it in a controlled environment rather than it becoming dislodged on its own at random}, or if it’s serving as a source of infection or immune reaction. This despite the fact that firing a bullet heats it to the point that most possibilities of infection would be gone. In fact, getting the bullet out is usually the last thing surgeons bother to do. Also consider the fact that Andrew Jackson was shot close to his heart and lived with that bullet in his chest for decades and he was around during the 19th century).

Is someone is bleeding, always use a tourniquet to stop it, such as from clothing. (This is a very bad idea. As TV Tropes put it, “In real life the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood, causing other problems later when real help arrives. If the tourniquet is left on the limb in question for too long, this will result in the limb becoming necrotic and falling off or getting Compartment Syndrome. This one is subject to a bit of Science Marches On as the US Army, who have been using makeshift tourniquets out of cravats and windlasses {basically bandannas and sticks} for decades, have shown that advances in combat medicine allow a limb to have a tourniquet applied and blood flow completely cut off for up to 2 hours without permanent damage and up to 4 hours while still keeping the limb. This has gained modern tourniquets such as the CAT {Combat Application Tourniquet} a place in the gear of most modern combat soldiers, and indeed, is the US Military’s preferred method of treatment for significant extremity hemorrhage and/or total limb amputation. The current consensus is that when used properly tourniquets work, but should only be used under specific circumstances by professionals unless the situation is that dire. ‘Dire’ in this case meaning that the person is almost certain to die from blood loss before any professional medical aid arrives on site, typically meaning a limb being fully severed.” You’re better off using plain old bandages.)

If someone has consumed something poisonous or infectious, induce vomiting. (If they aren’t already vomiting, just call 911 or get them to a hospital. And if they are, do the same. Supportive treatment begun early often does far more good than trying to purge the substance from the body. Also, in some cases a drug, alcohol, or other overdose can cause unconsciousness and someone vomiting can breathe in their own vomit, complicating potential survival with a nasty case of pneumonia or asphyxiation. You can also call the poison control hotline which can offer expert advice and specific instructions for the particular poison ingested {if known}. However, if these guys say to induce vomiting, this is a situational precaution and shouldn’t be attempted unless it’s known for certain that it’s the right thing to do).

Always give someone a laxative to someone experiencing unknown stomach or intestinal pain. (Laxatives are meant to treat constipation and should only be administered if there’s no lower abdominal pain worse than mild discomfort that has persisted no longer than a week and when the obstruction is only known to be poop. Otherwise, just call 911 and get them to a hospital if that option is available. If not, then just use a signal to get a rescue party, pronto. If they have appendicitis, giving a laxative can lead to a ruptured appendix, horrific peritonitis infection, and possibly death. If they have an immobile object, their entire large intestine, leading to almost to certain death).

Always take dressing off of bleeding wounds and apply new ones. (This is a bad idea since it doesn’t give the blood enough time to clot and possibly removes clots already formed. The correct course is to add new bandaging over that’s already soaked through as needed, and even if you wind up with a huge wad of bandaging that’s unruly, it’s still better than disrupting the clotting process).

Open wounds should immediately be closed in all cases. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie, even though he knows this isn’t the best treatment for him {though neither was removing a metal object from him either}. Then you see Leo cauterize a neck wound in The Revenant which is pretty drastic as well as certainly not a safe and sanitary option {yet, since this movie takes place in the 1820s, it can be forgiven. But you shouldn’t try it}. Though to be fair, he didn’t have many options since the wound was close to Spock’s heart and he would’ve bled to death if he hadn’t. However, according to TV Tropes: “While most wounds get cleaned and immediately shut, deep wounds, especially infected ones, often stay open. Treatment of big abscesses or infected wounds often involves opening it, cleaning it and then leaving it open for a few days {with a bandage IN the wound to keep it open and a plaster over it to keep it clean and avoid fluids sipping out}. This allows the tissue to heal from bottom up and the doctors to check on the infection and keep it clean. Instantly sewing it shut would close the hole, inviting bacteria to create a new or even worse infection which could lead to a lethal sepsis {blood poisoning}.” So if you have deep wounds, best call 911 if you can).

Wounds should never get in contact with water unless it’s a burn. (Those who’ve had surgery usually find that saunas and swimming pools are forbidden but showering is okay as long as the wound itself isn’t covered in soap {run water is fine}. In many cases, washing the wound is often encouraged such as when there’s a risk for infection. Certain abscess cases even might involve the patient holding the shower head straight at the wound and using the water pressure to thoroughly clean it).

When someone goes into shock, assume the victim is fine if there’s no blood flowing or anything stuck in them. (From TV Tropes: “Anyone trained in first aid can tell you that shock {the body failing to circulate blood properly} is actually one of the more dangerous threats posed to almost any accident victim. Many cases of shock can stem from what amounts to the body creating errors while responding to stressful stimuli, which means that even a comparatively minor wound {such as a cut on the thumb} can throw a person into shock. Symptoms can be anything from anxiety and confusion to irregular pulse and blackouts, and it’s not unheard of for a patient who at first glance does not appear to have any life-threatening injuries to die from shock simply because the body unintentionally shut itself down. One of the best ways to prevent shock is to simply interact with the patient in a reassuring and calm tone, as well as keeping them warm and ensuring proper blood flow to the head and vital organs {usually achieved by propping up the legs}.”)

If someone is not breathing or there’s no process, provide mouth on mouth and compression CPR. (The purpose of CPR is to buy time until advanced help is available by circulating blood and preventing brain damage from lack of oxygen. And you’re not supposed to give up after a minute or 2 just because they haven’t started breathing on their own, but rather continue until advanced help gets there. It’s also expected for the victim’s ribs to get broken during CPR, something that almost never happens on TV. Still, CPR rarely results in a full recovery and if the person’s heart and breathing have actually stopped to the point of needing it, chances of recovery at all is usually less than 10%. Even if the proper medical care can be brought in time to keep them from outright dying, such patients generally die within 1-2 years. Also, there’s a large chance of permanent brain damage. Not only that, but remember that CPR alone does not revive someone. And do not attempt to do CPR if someone collapses from cyanide poisoning because doing so will end up killing you).

Booze always makes a great wound disinfectant and anesthetic. (Well, rubbing alcohol is great as a disinfectant. But other than that, this advice belongs in the 19th century).

Booze is always great to have when it comes to surviving in the desert. (Sorry but booze can cause dehydration).

Hypothermia only happens in cold climates. (It can happen in wet environments as well as at higher elevations. So stay dry and warm in order to prevent your temperature from dropping to dangerous levels).

Don’t feed a victim of hypothermia. (From Outdoor Life: “Normal shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are different—you don’t, for example, want to feed someone who may be going into shock because he can vomit and choke while unconscious. However, in mild to moderate hypothermia cases, high-calorie foods can be given in small, repeated doses to create metabolic heat in the victim and help him restore his own heat-generating ability.” Unfortunately, shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are practically indistinguishable in Hollywood).

Let a hypothermia victim get some sleep. (From Outdoor Life: “After the shivering, confusion, slurred speech, and clumsiness of hypothermia have manifested, an exposure victim also gets drowsy. This is a serious warning sign because sleep can lead to death. Keep the victim awake as you warm him up.”)

Always use fire to remove an embedded tick. (Since ticks cause frustrating and debilitating illnesses like Lyme disease, there’s a lot of confusion to approach this. The medical community currently advocates taking fine tipped tweezers and gently pulling the tick out by the mouth, which helps avoid releasing as much infected fluid as possible. Grabbing the tick by the body only leads to a higher risk while smothering or applying fire should be avoided as well because these tactics cause infection. After the tick’s removed, wash hands and wound thoroughly after the tick has been removed).

If you suffered a sprained ankle, best to apply warmth immediately. (From Trails.com: “How to treat a badly sprained ankle, which for a hiker or backpacker can be a serious situation when out in the wilderness, has always been subject to myth, with a large portion of the population thinking that warmth should immediately be applied. However, the opposite is true since heat will make the swelling and pain increase and slow down the healing process. If you spend time on trails and out camping, remember the acronym RICE. This stands for Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation. The ankle should be quickly rested and iced if possible or soaked in cold water from a stream. Even snow can be used as a substitute for ice. Ice the ankle for 20 minutes to half an hour and then put a compression bandage such as an elastic wrap on it to give it support. Elevate the affected foot. Repeat this procedure up to four or five times a day until the swelling goes down.”

Water:

If you run out of water, drinking your own pee will keep you hydrated. (From The Clymb: “Your pee probably won’t kill you, but depending on your location, it might do more harm than good. If you are dehydrated in an extremely hot environment, drinking your urine will put unnecessary stress on your kid­neys, which in turn puts unnecessary stress on your body and leads to more overheating. Drink­ing urine is an acceptable short-term solution to dehydration in cooler climates, but is not the best idea in a heatstroke situation. In cases of dehydration com­bined with heat stroke, using the urine to soak a small bandana for evaporative cooling may be more effective.”)

Boiled water is always 100% safe to drink. (While boiling water can kill organisms and germs, it will not clean harmful particulates from it. For instance, no matter how long you boil chemically contaminated water, it won’t be safe to drink. Same goes with stagnant dirty water, too. And there’s a good chance the water you get will have dirt in it so it’s best to filter it out through a clean fabric or leave it to stand until the sediments sink to the water first. And then boil it preferably at 212 degrees Fahrenheit for a minute so the little microbes could die).

You can follow flying birds to find water. (From Outdoor Life: “While some aquatic birds rarely leave the water’s edge, others roam far and wide for food. It’s been said that geese fly toward water at dusk, but this isn’t always the case. They could simply be flying toward a known clearing to spend the night. Since we have no way of knowing a bird’s plans for the evening, we can’t rely on it to lead us anywhere.”)

Drink raw blood to survive and keep hydrated. (From Outdoor Life: “Sure, there’s water in blood. And some of the traditional cattle cultures of Africa still consume cattle blood with milk, but this is done for protein and minerals rather than hydration. While the consumption of animal blood has helped to keep survivors alive, the risk may not justify the gain. Drinking raw blood could mean you’re consuming pathogens.”)

You can keep hydrated by sucking from a stone. (From Outdoor Life: “This old survival trick has been practiced across the globe. The idea is that sucking on a stone causes saliva to flow. Obviously, you’re not sucking water from the stone, so there is no real gain. Most calamitously, you could even suck on the stone too hard and inhale it, which could cause you to choke.”)

Running water is safe to drink. (From Survival Cache: “Don’t count on it.  Remember it came from somewhere and the source or what it came in contact survival water with between the source and reaching your location could be suspect.  Typically if you have to choose between running water and stagnate water always default to the former but make sure you also treat and purify the water before you consume it.”)

Drinking saltwater in small amounts is safe. (Drinking saltwater in any amount will lead to further dehydration and death more quickly than if you went without water at all. However, you can use saltwater to cool your body. But drink it, never).

Water found in natural depressions is safe to drink. (It has all the risks associated with stagnate groundwater and run off. So it should be treated before drinking).

Never drink the water. (Because water is an important resource if you want to survive, it’s best you drink it. But please filter and purify it before you do so. Yet, if you don’t treat it, it’s likely you’ll be rescued before it becomes anything serious. So it’s better to offset dehydration with germ filled water than to take no water at all. Doctors can fix illnesses but they can’t fix death).

Only standing water is dangerous. (With running water, it’s best you know what the source is before you drink it. Because even that can be dangerous. But filter and purify it first).

Food:

You can survive in the wilderness by eating raw meat or fish. (Leo DiCaprio eats raw fish and buffalo does this in The Revenant. To be fair, the real Hugh Glass lived during the 1820s when most people didn’t know anything about germs so his actions could be forgiven. However, most of the time eating raw meat and fish, is generally not advised due to high risk of pathogens that could cause foodborne illness. Now there are some raw fish that are safe for consumption but they mostly come from saltwater environments and contain pathogens not compatible with the human body. Not only that, Glass eats from a buffalo that’s already been cut open so how long the animal is dead is a big concern here. Still, when it comes to meat consumption, always kill and cook it before eating it).

Always look for food first. (While starvation can certainly kill, it’s said humans can live up for 6 weeks before starving to death. That’s plenty of time for someone to figure out to missing and find you so you’ll probably be rescued before you starve. Injury, illness, poisoning, or exposure are much more likely to result in death than starvation. Besides, hunting and trapping prey are hit and miss activities, often producing nothing and simply end up expending energy and risking injury or illness. Instead, water, warmth, and protection should be top priorities as well as conserving energy and avoiding injury. Then again, people in movies and TV usually tend to be in significantly more dire circumstances than most modern day folks in their lives. So them finding food is more understandable because it’s part of a long term survival strategy. Fiction survival stories rarely ever pertain to short-term situations).

Plants are a good source of food in a survival situation. (Unless you have an edible wild plant guide with you, are a botanist, or know the Universal Edibility Test, only eat the ones you’re already familiar with. Else, you could end up like Foxface in The Hunger Games. If you need to find food, it’s safer to stick with eating mammals, freshwater fish, birds, or insects. Besides, there are a lot of deadly plants out there and those considered safe to eat don’t provide a lot of calories or nutrients anyway. As for wild mushrooms, for the love of God, don’t even think about it. So for all you vegetarians and vegans out there, if you find yourself stranded, your best solution is to eat meat or die).

You can quickly hunt and fish for food where game is plentiful. (As someone who’s been raised watching nature shows, I know for a fact that this isn’t true for a lot of predatory animals. And they go for days without getting a meal, even the babies. Even with the best fishing gear and hunting equipment, hunting and fishing still takes patience, practice, and experience. Under survival conditions when you’re not at your best, these meals may never arrive. Also, hunting might make you more prone to serious injury or get you killed. Your best bet is to set many simple deadfall traps, snares, and shallow fish containment pens to hopefully catch yourself a meal while you tend to other immediate matters like securing safe drinking water).

You could eat anything animals eat. (Despite our shared biology thanks to evolution, there’s still a massive difference between humans and other animals. Some animals might eat plants that are safe for human consumption, yet these same critters could eat plants that are dangerous to us. Birds eat a variety of berries, many of which could either nourish or kill us. Even mammals like squirrels who normally eat nuts perfectly safe for human cuisine, can munch on mushrooms and nuts that are toxic to humans. So just because an animal can eat it, doesn’t mean you can. This is especially if it’s poison ivy, which many animals do eat).

Black and blue berries are never poisonous. (Most black and blue berries aren’t poisonous but if you can’t positively identify a berry, don’t eat it. For instance, pokeberries and Virginia Creeper berries are lethal. Foxface learned the hard way when she ingested the Nightlock. And Peeta almost made the same mistake until Katniss told him that they were poisonous).

Fire:

Always stock up on matches. (Lighters are smaller, cheaper, and save more space than matches, taking long term costs to account. Besides, if you’re worried about your lighter getting wet, just get a magnesium fire starter. Seriously, you don’t want to end up with the two match situation like Rambo).

Anyone could start a fire by rubbing 2 sticks or striking 2 stones together. (Relying solely on friction to start a fire will not help you in areas with high humidity. Even under the best conditions, friction fire making is a challenge that take patience, practice, as well as luck, and is not reliable for most people. One guy who had 50 years experience in this technique, said it took him a day and a half to do this by sticks. As for stones, well, this only works with flint or quartz as well as need to create a groove in the one you’re holding still. Most experts recommend carrying at least 3 firestarters like storm-proof matches, spark rod, and lighter at all times).

Making a fire should be a top priority. (Yes, fire is important but there are few situations it would take precedence over shelter).

Build a fire in a cave for warmth. (Heat causes rock expansion. Rock expansion leads to breakage. When rocks break overhead in a cave, it’s cave-in. So lighting a cave fire is not a good idea. Rather make a fire outside the cave).

Big fires always beat shelter. (From Outdoor Life: “Large-log fires have kept people alive in the cold, but that doesn’t mean you can afford to skip building a shelter. What if it rains or becomes really windy? You never want to sleep out in the open if you can help it. Take the time to build a shelter. It will pay you back every time.”)

Use a thumbnail to test wood. (From Outdoor Life: “You may have heard that if you can dent a piece of wood with your thumbnail, the wood is suitable for starting a friction fire. This myth just won’t seem to go away, but it doesn’t hold up. Some denser woods are fine for friction fires, and are some softer woods don’t work at all. When the thumbnail test works, it isn’t an affirmation­—it’s a coincidence.”)

Nose grease is the perfect fire starter. (From Outdoor Life: “Is there enough oil on the side of your nose to lubricate the top of a bow-drill spindle? I don’t know about you, but I was never that greasy, even as a teenager. Furthermore, when you’re trying to build a friction fire, you’ll produce more sweat than grease on your face, and sweat doesn’t help.”)

Hardwood is best for friction fires. (From Outdoor Life: “Just because oak is a great firewood doesn’t mean it works for friction fire. Oak’s ignition temperature and density are not useful in friction-fire drills or boards. Instead, use soft woods that are non-resinous. Cedar, basswood, willow, and cottonwood will serve you much better than oak or other typical firewoods.”)

Wet matches work when dried. (From Outdoor Life: “Nope. The chemicals in match heads are very vulnerable to moisture. On typical safety matches, the package will have a striking surface that is made from a gritty material such as powdered glass mixed with phosphorus. The head of the match is similarly made with grit, but it also contains sulfur and an oxidizer. When you strike a match, the friction of the glass powder grinding together creates a small amount of heat. This warmth converts the phosphorus into white phosphorus, which begins to catch fire. If match heads are exposed to enough moisture, the careful chemical balance is changed and they simply won’t light. Invest in some waterproof matches if you’re heading someplace wet. Or keep your matches in a waterproof container.”)

Use an 8-sided bow drill to start a fire. (From Outdoor Life: “At some point, using an octagonal drill became popular. The conceit is that the edges help the drill grip the bow string in more places, resulting in more friction. But these sharp edges end up shredding the cord and causing it to vibrate horribly, while failing to grip the string any better than a round drill would.”)

Breaking a flashlight bulb and using the coil is a great way to start a fire. (From The Good Survivalist: “This is a method I’ve seen by which you can break the bulb of your flashlight, and then use the coil inside to light a fire. Simply put… give it a shot in your backyard and you’ll find that it’s great at destroying flashlights but terrible at actually starting fires! Recommendation… bring a lighter, and use your flashlight for… LIGHT!”)

Sitting by the fire is the best way to dry your clothes. (From Getting Out Alive: “Wet clothing literally sucks the warmth out of your body, so get out of the wet things and cover up with something dry while you dry your clothing by the fire.”)

Lakes, Rivers, and Other Bodies of Water:

Always swim parallel to the shore in a rip current. (From The Clymb: “Swimming parallel to the shore is a good way to escape a rip current that pulls straight out. Unfortunately, not all rip currents flow directly out to sea. In a longshore rip current, or a diagonal rip current, swimming parallel to the shore could tire a distressed swimmer to the point of drowning. Instead, if caught in a rip, swim perpendicular to the flow of the rip in the same direc­tion as the prevailing wind or prevailing ocean current. If at any point you feel like you are swimming upstream, you’re doing it wrong. Like all survival situations, avoiding fatigue and making calm, rational decisions increases your chance of survival.”)

If you’re lost the best thing to is to follow a river or stream to find civilization. (The best thing to do if you’re lost is to stay where you are unless necessary. From Survive All: “While a river can lead to human life, it can sometimes take weeks or more to get there, while meanwhile you are completely invading a search squad trying to find you. Survival on the go is also much harder then stationary survival; you tend to spend too much time traveling than working to survive. Stay in one spot, survive, wait for help to arrive.” Getting Out Alive adds: “Some waterways run their course for hundreds of miles without bumping into civilization, especially in the wilder parts of the world. And following a stream can sometimes be exceedingly difficult and dangerous.”)

Take off your boots before crossing a river, stream or lake so they won’t weigh you down. (From Getting Out Alive: “The greater risk is that of suffering injury to your feet while crossing a body of water. Keep boots on to protect feet, ‘cause you’ll need them to continue your trek.”)

Forest Areas:

If you’re lost in the woods, look for moss on trees as it only grows on the north side. (If you’re lost in the woods, your best bet is following signs of previous human activity {assuming that you don’t have a cell phone, GPS, or a compass on you first. Or if there’s no park or forest ranger around. Or if you don’t have any electronic equipment on you at any time}. If there are no footprints, then staying where you are and sending a signal is a sensible option as well like building a fire, using a whistle, signal fire, or beacon. You could even go to the closest place where there’s light like near a body of water. Using the sunshine as a way to find the direction is a good idea as well. As for the moss part, though it does grow better on the north side, it can grow on any side if the tree’s shaded or near water. So it’s not true. Following the myth could send you in the wrong direction or make you more lost. Field and Stream says that Aspens that exude a powdery natural sunscreen that will whiten your palms are a better indicator as well).

Desert:

If you’re dying of thirst in the desert, ingesting cactus is always the best solution. (From The Clymb: “So your car broke down in the desert. It’s miles to the nearest gas station. Your cell phone doesn’t have reception. You don’t have any water in your car. There’s no one around, and you are very, very thirsty. Now you chance upon a cactus. I’m saved, you think. I’ll just lop the top off this here prickly pear and go to town. Not so fast, partner. The liquid inside a cactus isn’t pure water and is actually a highly alkaline, noxious fluid. Chances are, if you drink from a cactus you will get very sick, and vomiting is one way to ensure you dehydrate faster. You can drink from a barrel cactus, but only one specific type, and unless you’re extremely into cacti botany, you’re better off conserving your energy or seeking out a purer water source.” It’s more recommended that walking downhill until you find wash and following it downstream until you find some areas where the water might’ve gathered. Still, don’t forget to purify it).

The first thing to do in the desert is to find water, even in the afternoon. (You’ve probably seen the guy on his knees crawling through the desert in the hot sun struggling to find water or die of thirst. However, that guy is an idiot and is likely to die within a few hours in real life. Trying to find water in the desert will just tax your body to the limits, especially during the afternoon heat. Your best strategy to survive in the desert is holing up in the shade. If you do run out of water, find a north facing boulder or canyon, sit in its shade, keep covered to prevent evaporative sweat loss, stay off hot ground by sitting on your pack or a pile of debris, and only move around during the cooler hours of the morning or evening. It also helps if there are wildlife and vegetation nearby like trees. And sometimes dry river beds may have water below the surface, so you might to check for moisture there, too. So if you need water, better search for it when the temperature drops. Besides, you’ll be rescued if you told someone where you’re going to be anyway).

Always ration your water in the desert. (From The Clymb: “Rationing your water or food is great and all, but if you are on the verge of death today, having water three days from now isn’t going to provide much help. People can survive for over two days without water in one hundred degree heat. The most important survival technique in this instance is to remember to avoid unnecessary exertion. Finding shade, drinking until you are reasonably hydrated (clearish urine), and reserving physical exer­tion for night hours are the most effective ways of staving off dehydration and heat stroke. Rationing water while running around in the heat is often more dangerous than laying low and hydrating as much as possible.” So while you certainly should ration water in the desert, you should try to conserve water you already have inside your body by laying low in the shade instead of venturing out in the hot sun during the afternoon. But if you’re on the verge of heat exhaustion or dying of thirst, drink up now in the shade because your body doesn’t care if you get thirsty later. Rationing water and pushing on in the hot sun will only help to cause heat stroke, which as killed people before running out of water has).

Use a solar still to get drinking water in the desert. (Building a solar still consists of digging a hole in the ground, placing a container in the middle, covering the hole with clear plastic, and weighing the plastic down in the middle so the so the condensation drips into the container. Yes, this is a good idea, assuming that the location in question has a higher humidity content as well as groundwater. You will not find either in the desert. You’ll sweat more than you get if you build one of these things there).

Cold Times and Climates:

It’s easy to survive from hypothermia after being carried down a freezing river, sometimes after being submerged. (Sorry, but while Hugh Glass did survive a bear mauling {which happened in May 1823, not in the winter}, he would most surely die from hypothermia after being carried off in that freezing stream).

If it’s very cold, move to higher ground. (Yes, warm air rises while cold air sets is consistent with thermodynamics. Creek bottoms and hollows are cold air sinks. However, unless you’re in either, moving to higher ground when it’s cold goes against what anyone would learn in basic geology. Higher elevation areas generally tend to be colder if you account for the wind chill factor. Hell, you don’t even need to know about the wind chill factor to figure this out. A picture depicting a snow capped mountain in spring should make it obvious to anybody. Besides, heat from fire will be carried away faster the higher you are. So if it’s cold, best to stay low unless there’s a flood).

If it’s available, consume snow and ice for hydration. (Yes, snow and ice is made from water. But doing so will lower your body temperature which can lead to hypothermia and waste energy. Best you melt it and let it cool to a moderate temperature before drinking it).

All base layers work equally well in cold weather. (From Outdoor Life: “Not true. Cotton kills—or, at least, could lead to hypothermia if you rely on it as your primary base layer in cold weather. It’s a great fabric to wear around the house, and it has great applications in hot, dry climates. But once cotton gets wet, it loses its insulating properties. Before you even break a sweat, normal skin moisture will soak into the cotton fibers and start to cool your body through conduction. These fibers can hold up to 27 times their weight in water and then store that moisture up to eight times longer than synthetics or wool. This doesn’t just leave you feeling clammy—it steals vital heat from your core. If it’s cold enough for long johns, then it’s too cold for cotton.”)

Always try to dig yourself out of an avalanche. (Unless you’re only partially buried from the waist down, you will not be able to do so. Because being overtaken by a tumbling slab of snow is like being entombed in concrete, you can’t freaking move. Struggling to get free will only expedite the threat of asphyxiation. But if the snow is still moving, swim out of it facing downhill and try to create an air pocket by placing your hands and arms in front of your face while you work to get out. Still, you should always travel into avalanche country with a partner as well as have search beacons, probes, and shovels handy. The group involved should never be on the same avalanche prone slope at the same time because if everyone gets caught, there will be no one left to attempt a rescue. Also, take an avalanche safety course before going there so you can learn how to avoid triggering slides as well as what to do if you or your friends are caught in one).

Urban Disaster Scenarios:

In the event of a major disaster or war, flee the city and live off the land. (This might not be the best answer or even possible {for instance, had Adrien Brody’s character tried to do this in The Pianist instead of going into hiding, he would’ve been shot, blown up, or carted off to a Nazi death camp}. Sure surviving in the wilderness may be possible but most people have no idea how difficult it would be. This would mean having to hunt from sunup to sundown, sometimes into the night to find enough food so you’d have the energy to do it the next day. Only a good size group of experienced farmers and hunters would make it while most humans would slowly starve to death. If you have to leave, do it during an evacuation).

Urban survival is the same as wilderness survival. (Urban survival focuses more on safety and surveillance than hunting and camping. Special items in the former pack include pry bars and destruction tools, serpentine belt and fix-a-flat, bolt cutters, city maps, knee pads and gloves, dust or gas masks, crank or solar radio, monoculars, lock-picking kit, and assortment of weapons and self-defense tools).

If people remain in the city when the shit hits the fan, they will die either through starvation or killing each other. (Yes, people in the city are in more danger from war and terrorism. But it’s better if people band together to defend their area until order is restored. Whereas people in the country would be more in danger from criminals, looking for easy, isolated targets. They’ll also be the last to get supplies when trucks start moving again. Besides, many cities in Europe, China, Russia, and Japan had the living shit bombed out of them during WWII while their inhabitants still stayed despite the hell they’ve been through).

After the shit hits the fan in a city, it’s every man for himself. (While the media does tend to focus on looters and rioters after a disaster like Hurricane Katrina, it has more to do with ratings than anything. Hollywood also tends to portray survivalists as lone nuts who live in the country and shoot anyone who approaches their homestead. In reality, criminals only represent a very small portion of the population. Besides, most people tend to rely one another as well as work together to survive. WWII is a good example of this, particularly if you’re talking about the 1940 British Blitz).

It doesn’t hurt to brag about your preparations. (From Survival Expertise: “Sometimes this is hard to resist. You spend a lot of time thinking about prepping, saving up, looking for good deals, gathering supplies, etc., and it’s hard not to be proud of your efforts. And what do we do when we’re proud of something? We tell people about it. But in this case, you must only tell people you trust completely. Otherwise, someone somewhere is liable to say, ‘Hey, remember such-and-such from work who has food and supplies stockpiled? Let’s find out where he/she lives.’ Hunger can turn people into animals. If they are desperate enough, they will do anything to get your food.”)

Tap water is always safe after a natural disaster or war. (Tap water can become unsafe after natural disasters or in a combat zone when pipes are damaged and contaminants leak into them. So it’s better to purify it).

Always shoot looters on sight. (You see this a lot in movies. From Survival Expertise: “We’ve all seen thoselooters will be shot signs, but there are three reasons why this is a bad idea: 1) It advertises the fact that you have guns. If they see this, they may try to sneak in and ambush you. 2) If you shoot at them, they might shoot back. A few supplies aren’t worth your life. 3) After law and order is restored, you could be charged with murder. In fact, lawyers could use your sign to claim premeditation. Now to be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t defend yourself with guns. I’m saying you should wait until someone is actually attacking you. Shooting looters on sight is not self defense.”)

The Camping World of Tents and Campers

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Of course, when it comes to staying in the great outdoors, camping has been a long tradition whether it be at your national parks, state parks, or at some privately owned resort. And chances are, if you’re not sleeping under the stars, campers are probably going to stay in some sort of shelter like a tent or camper. If you live in southwest Pennsylvania, then I highly suggest you take some sort of shelter with you because you never know when it might rain. Honestly, it rains a lot in the summer in these parts. Hell, it rains all year round. Nevertheless, when you look at some outdoor area, you’re bound to find tents and campers of all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, setting up any of them is not nearly as easy as erecting a tent up in Harry Potter. And not nearly as luxurious either (seriously, the Weasley tent looks like something straight out of Lawrence of Arabia, with plenty of room as well as carpets and furniture). Mostly because we muggles don’t have access to magic. But that doesn’t stop me from seriously wanting one. Still, that doesn’t stop me from finding all kinds of unusual tents and campers on Pinterest that I decided to do a post separate from the outdoor gear. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy.

1, This wooden camper comes all set with all the amenities.

It's also very compact since it comes with an air conditioner and a roof. And to think it seemed rather small.

It’s also very compact since it comes with an air conditioner and a roof. And to think it seemed rather small.

2. With this tent, you can almost be among the trees.

Because it's shaped like an evergreen tree. However, this doesn't mean it will blend in with the forest. Because it won't.

Because it’s shaped like an evergreen tree. However, this doesn’t mean it will blend in with the forest. Because it won’t.

3. This tent can be set on top of your car and in high places.

I didn't know they had tents like that in the 1950s. Guess this couple really wanted to save space at their campsite. Or maybe they just wanted the view.

I didn’t know they had tents like that in the 1950s. Guess this couple really wanted to save space at their campsite. Or maybe they just wanted the view.

4. Who knew that you could camp out in a bubble?

Nevertheless, I wouldn't recommend you to undress in it due to its transparency. Still, it looks pretty cool.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t recommend you to undress in it due to its transparency. Still, it looks pretty cool.

5. Perhaps setting a tent up from a tree would be easier.

Maybe but it doesn't seem to have a lot of room. Then again, it may not take much time to set up.

Maybe but it doesn’t seem to have a lot of room. Then again, it may not take much time to set up.

6. Those looking for a more rustic homey camping place might want to go with this camper.

You have to admire the front window and door on this thing. Very welcoming if you get my drift.

You have to admire the front window and door on this thing. Very welcoming if you get my drift.

7. With this camper, you might want to go with an open dining option.

Then again, it tends to resemble an open bar. But you get the idea.

Then again, it tends to resemble an open outdoor bar. But you get the idea.

8. For privacy in the wilderness, these camping stalls will suit you just fine.

Yes, these tents exist. But you can use one for going to the bathroom and one for taking a shower in. If you have the right equipment.

Yes, these tents exist. But you can use one for going to the bathroom and one for taking a shower in. If you have the right equipment.

9. Could you imagine camping in a shell or cocoon? Now you can.

Wonder how you set up a tent like this. Seems like it would be rather easy to bungle up.

Wonder how you set up a tent like this. Seems like it would be rather easy to bungle up. Comes solar powered, too.

10. There’s nothing like the camping experience in the great outdoors like sleeping in a tent camper shopping cart.

Now that just can't be comfortable. Seriously, you have to wonder if this guy sleeps being curled into a ball in there. Still, it's funny.

Now that just can’t be comfortable. Seriously, you have to wonder if this guy sleeps being curled into a ball in there. Still, it’s funny.

11. Ever thought about camping in a box?

Well, these two seem to in a box tent. Theirs even has a door, window, and table.

Well, these two seem to in a box tent. Theirs even has a door, window, and table.

12. Yes, I know this camper seems a bit lopsided.

However, I don't think it's been in a wreck because it seems designed that way. So perhaps we shouldn't judge on appearances.

However, I don’t think it’s been in a wreck because it seems designed that way. So perhaps we shouldn’t judge on appearances.

13. Now that must be an unusual hollow log.

Oh, wait, it's a log tent. Yeah, I kind of thought something didn't seem quite off. Still, it doesn't stand out much in brown.

Oh, wait, it’s a log tent. Yeah, I kind of thought something didn’t seem quite off. Still, it doesn’t stand out much in brown.

14. With a tent like this, you can literally sleep in a tree.

Yes, this resembles an abnormally large windowed punching bag. But I assure you, it's a tent.

Yes, this resembles an abnormally large windowed punching bag. But I assure you, it’s a tent.

15. With a mini nautic sleeper, you can now camp out on the water.

However, make sure you keep it well anchored so it won't float away. And make sure you don't decide to camp in some marina in Florida during hurricane season.

However, make sure you keep it well anchored so it won’t float away. And make sure you don’t decide to camp in some marina in Florida during hurricane season.

16. This RV comes solar powered.

So if you have to camp in the desert, this will help you get through it. Which begs the question, why would you want to camp in the desert?

So if you have to camp in the desert, this will help you get through it. Which begs the question, why would you want to camp in the desert?

17. This tent comes in handy for providing shelter for your bike.

Yes, this is an ideal biker tent indeed since it provides a place to store a motorcycle. Still, seems to make motorcycle gangs seem less badass for some reason.

Yes, this is an ideal biker tent indeed since it provides a place to store a motorcycle. Still, seems to make motorcycle gangs seem less badass for some reason.

18. This tent apparently hangs from a tree.

Yet, unlike the last tent I just showed you, it at least has a flatter surface. Wonder how long it takes to set up.

Yet, unlike the last tent I just showed you, it at least has a flatter surface. Wonder how long it takes to set up.

19. Who knew that you can camp under a dome?

Yes, these are dome tents. And yes, I have no idea how they're set up. But they do look quite cool.

Yes, these are dome tents. And yes, I have no idea how they’re set up. But they do look quite cool.

20. Kayak by day, tent by night.

I know people are scratching their heads thinking how could this tent exist. But it does and it must be expensive as hell.

I know people are scratching their heads thinking how could this tent exist. But it does and it must be expensive as hell.

21. With a tent like this, you’ll have your campsite set up in no time.

This is a pop up tent and the pictures show you how to set one up. Seems easy until you have to peg it down.

This is a pop up tent and the pictures show you how to set one up. Seems easy until you have to peg it down.

22. Ever imagined you can sleep in a tent camper like the Sydney Opera House? Now you can.

Okay, it doesn't really look like the Sydney Opera House. But it does have all the cozy fixtures you can't resist.

Okay, it doesn’t really look like the Sydney Opera House. But it does have all the cozy fixtures you can’t resist.

23. With a camping doughnut, experience a whole new kind of cozy spaces.

Now that's a very large tent. Not sure if that would be comfortable to stay in. But you get the idea.

Now that’s a very large tent. Not sure if that would be comfortable to stay in. But you get the idea.

24. Cinchi presents the ultimate pop up tent.

Comes with a solar power pack and LED lighting. Fits 2-4 people.

Comes with a solar power pack and LED lighting. Fits 2-4 people.

25. For self-contained shelter in the great outdoors, this canopy cot tent has got you covered.

Just make sure you put the cot outside before you set it up. Wonder if it's comfy though.

Just make sure you put the cot outside before you set it up. Wonder if it’s comfy though.

26. This bubble tent seems quite cozy when inflated.

Yes, this is another bubble tent. But at least this one has a place where you can change your clothes.

Yes, this is another bubble tent. But at least this one has a place where you can change your clothes. Unlike the last one.

27. At night, you can be sure to find this tent if you need to pee.

Because this one apparently glows in the dark or lights from the inside. Either way, seems stunning.

Because this one apparently glows in the dark or lights from the inside. Either way, seems stunning.

28. With large tents, you can’t go wrong with the teepee maze.

I know it seems like a tunnel. But you have to wonder what it looks from the inside.

I know it seems like a tunnel. But you have to wonder what it looks from the inside.

29. With this tent, you don’t have to worry about finding a secluded bathing spot again.

This is a portable camp shower as you can see. So if you want a place for your portable shower, it's got you covered.

This is a portable camp shower as you can see. So if you want a place for your portable shower, it’s got you covered.

30. Instead of camping in a hippie van, how about a hippie van tent?

Yet, it kind of looks ridiculous. But I have to admit that it's quite clever even if the designer might've been on something.

Yet, it kind of looks ridiculous. But I have to admit that it’s quite clever even if the designer might’ve been on something.

31. This hammock tent will provide you with the quality self-contained space you need.

I might've shown you something like this in my outdoor post. But I think it deserves a recap for this one. For obvious reasons.

I might’ve shown you something like this in my outdoor post. But I think it deserves a recap for this one. For obvious reasons.

32. You can wear this tent/sleeping bag/jacket as long as you please.

I know this is a rather ridiculous tent. But in the wilderness looking like an idiot is kind of the least of your worries.

I know this is a rather ridiculous tent. But in the wilderness looking like an idiot is kind of the least of your worries.

33. How about camp in some log cabin this year?

Oh, wait, that's a log cabin tent. But somehow, you can almost mistake it for the real thing.

Oh, wait, that’s a log cabin tent. But somehow, you can almost mistake it for the real thing.

34. This tent comes with so much room to spare.

This is a 10 room tent as you can see inside. So it's perfect for scouting trips to a degree.

This is a 10 room tent as you can see inside. So it’s perfect for scouting trips to a degree. Or MASH.

35. A pyramid teepee should set your campsite right.

Well, it's structured like a teepee by shaped like a pyramid. What more can I say? Also includes windows.

Well, it’s structured like a teepee by shaped like a pyramid. What more can I say? Also includes windows.

36. For beach bound surfers, this tent is just for you.

From Gadget Him: "Pack a surf and camp into one with this delectably compact and innovative surf tent design. The inner sleeping pod is an inflatable design that makes the tent non-bulky and easy-carry. Give your impulsiveness a free reign with this surf tent!"

From Gadget Him: “Pack a surf and camp into one with this delectably compact and innovative surf tent design. The inner sleeping pod is an inflatable design that makes the tent non-bulky and easy-carry. Give your impulsiveness a free reign with this surf tent!”

37. Nothing looks better than a tent on top of a jeep.

Sure it might be a home covered in canvas. But if I was on an African expedition, I want a tent like this.

Sure it might be a home covered in canvas. But if I was on an African expedition, I want a tent like this.

38. How about a nip at the Irish pub?

Yes, this is an inflatable Irish pub tent. May not give you authentic Irish cuisine. But it sure has the look nailed flat.

Yes, this is an inflatable Irish pub tent. May not give you authentic Irish cuisine. But it sure has the look nailed flat.

39. This tent is sure to have you fully booked.

Since it's shaped like a Natural World book. Get it? Cool though.

Since it’s shaped like a Natural World book. Get it? Cool though.

40. This tent is guaranteed to give you a taste of home.

Yes, it's a tent shaped like a house. I'm sure you can't see much through the windows. And I'm positive it won't withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Or will it?

Yes, it’s a tent shaped like a house. I’m sure you can’t see much through the windows. And I’m positive it won’t withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Or will it?

41. With this tent, you can just put it up a tree and watch it unfold.

Unlike the other tree tent I showed you, you don't set it down with ropes. Also called the Trepee.

Unlike the other tree tent I showed you, you don’t set it down with ropes. Also called the Trepee.

42. This decagon tent spreads in all directions.

Of course, it takes up a lot of space and is perhaps a pain in the ass to pitch. But it looks pretty cool.

Of course, it takes up a lot of space and is perhaps a pain in the ass to pitch. But it looks pretty cool.

43. Now this is the tent well suited for camping in the asphalt jungle.

Guess this was created for protestors of Occupied Wall Street. Then again, it definitely looks like a car.

Guess this was created for protestors of Occupied Wall Street. Then again, it definitely looks like a car.

44. Those who like the London Metro might enjoy camping in this tent.

Who knew they'd make a tent out of a subway? Guess they'll probably have one of the Hogwarts Express sometime soon.

Who knew they’d make a tent out of a subway? Guess they’ll probably have one of the Hogwarts Express sometime soon.

45. The Temper Fly Solar-Powered Tent can generate its own solar energy.

This tent is said to be tested by the US Army and could power so many gadgets. So it's kind of easy to see why.

This tent is said to be tested by the US Army and could power so many gadgets. So it’s kind of easy to see why.

46. RV or 2 cars stacked on each other?

Actually it's an RV. But yeah, it's bound to attract rather confused onlookers.

Actually it’s an RV. But yeah, it’s bound to attract rather confused onlookers.

47. Didn’t know that a camper can come with an open patio.

Guess this is a vintage design. Still, wouldn't mind having something like it.

Guess this is a vintage design. Still, wouldn’t mind having something like it. Talk about dining on the roof of your car.

48. This bike tent is well suited for cyclists on the go.

It's quite small but it can be pitched on the bike in no time. Not sure if I'd like that.

It’s quite small but it can be pitched on the bike in no time. Not sure if I’d like that.

49. For some people, the camper is their castle.

No, I don't know if the Victorians had campers like that. But if they did, it would pretty much look like it.

No, I don’t know if the Victorians had campers like that. But if they did, it would pretty much look like it.

50. Why stop at a log cabin when you can take it with you?

Well, that's one way of making the most of it. Wonder if the chimney actually works.

Well, that’s one way of making the most of it. Wonder if the chimney actually works.

51. Here’s a nice place to camp in the tree tops.

Sure it might be a hammock tent with a ladder. But I guess the view was worth it.

Sure it might be a hammock tent with a ladder. But I guess the view was worth it.

52. Guess this tent has a circular disposition.

Yeah, I know it's of a sphere and it's hung from trees. But it's a tent so it goes on the post.

Yeah, I know it’s of a sphere and it’s hung from trees. But it’s a tent so it goes on the post.

53. Ever wish your camper could be your home away from home?

Looks like this person took the concept to a whole another level. It even has a porch and steps.

Looks like this person took the concept to a whole another level. It even has a porch and steps.

54. Take a look at this old timey RV.

This was one of the first RV's out there. Made in 1926. I know it looks ridiculous. But I didn't design the thing.

This was one of the first RV’s out there. Made in 1926. I know it looks ridiculous. But I didn’t design the thing.

55. This RV is said to have a real mean caboose.

And it certainly resembles a caboose all right. Yeah, someone must really like to tinker.

And it certainly resembles a caboose all right. Yeah, someone must really like to tinker.

56. This tent could be easily pitched any time on the open road.

Yes, this tent can be pulled by a truck or car. I know it's weird. But that's why it's on this post.

Yes, this tent can be pulled by a truck or car. I know it’s weird. But that’s why it’s on this post.

57. Nothing beats camping on the roof of your car.

And here someone managed to pitch a rooftop tent. Yes, these things exist.

And here someone managed to pitch a rooftop tent. Yes, these things exist.

58. When it comes to camping, there’s only one camper to rule them all.

Yes, some one decorated a camper to look like Bag End from the Shire. I know it's perhaps one of the geekiest things one can ever do.

Yes, some one decorated a camper to look like Bag End from the Shire. I know it’s perhaps one of the geekiest things one can ever do.

59. Perhaps this shows what it’s like to camp during the Atomic Age.

Actually that might supposed to resemble a nuke. But it kind of reminds me of a fish.

Actually that might supposed to resemble a nuke. But it kind of reminds me of a fish. Charming.

60. This RV is the ultimate tiki machine.

Might be well suited for beach trips or Hawaii. But everywhere else? Not so much.

Might be well suited for beach trips or Hawaii. But everywhere else? Not so much.

61. An SUV is always a great place to pitch a tent.

Yes, this is another car roof tent. But it's smaller and is shaped more like a box.

Yes, this is another car roof tent. But it’s smaller and is shaped more like a box.

62. Sometimes it helps to blend with local surroundings.

Sure it looks great in the desert. But it will sure stand out like a sore thumb everywhere else.

Sure it looks great in the desert. But it will sure stand out like a sore thumb everywhere else.

63. This camper comes equipped with a few homey touches.

I know they probably went with some shingles and siding. But it sure looks amazing.

I know they probably went with some shingles and siding. But it sure looks amazing.

64. How about hop along on a magic camping trip?

Yes, this is one of those hippie colored campers. I know it looks quite tacky. But you have to admire the artwork.

Yes, this is one of those hippie colored campers. I know it looks quite tacky. But you have to admire the artwork.

65. Guess this tent is in a rather geometric position.

And I can't help but wonder whether they're finished pitching it. Or how big it is by stories.

And I can’t help but wonder whether they’re finished pitching it. Or how big it is by stories.

66. Fans of Titanic will surely adore this quality tent.

Actually it's very much in poor taste, especially with the iceberg hole. But I kind of had to include it.

Actually it’s very much in poor taste, especially with the iceberg hole. But I kind of had to include it.

67. This poncho tent makes an easy pitch.

Well, at least it saves backpack space. Other than that, I'm not sure if I want to wear one.

Well, at least it saves backpack space. Other than that, I’m not sure if I want to wear one.

68. This is a tent that’s bound to blend in with the landscape.

Sorry, but the sheep on the tent isn't real. Yet, I wasn't lying on the "blending in" part.

Sorry, but the sheep on the tent isn’t real. Yet, I wasn’t lying on the “blending in” part.

69. Seems like the trees have stretched these tents to their limits.

Then again, these tree tents were designed that way. Not sure if they're allowed at some campgrounds.

Then again, these tree tents were designed that way. Not sure if they’re allowed at some campgrounds.

70. You might have to climb a tree to reach this tent.

I know these tents could get quite outlandish. But at least this one gives you a great view.

I know these tents could get quite outlandish. But at least this one gives you a great view.

71. Seems like this tent is ready to take to the skies.

This is supposed to resemble a seaplane. But I doubt it could fly without any engine.

This is supposed to resemble a seaplane. But I doubt it could fly without any engine. Nor would you want it to.

72. This domed tent provides ideal camping shelter.

Not sure how you set one of these things up. But they seem rather comfortable.

Not sure how you set one of these things up. But they seem rather comfortable.

73. Presenting the new Cabela’s mansion tent.

Seems to resemble something you'd see off of MASH to me. No disrespect, but I almost imagine Hawkeye and his friends operating in their right this minute.

Seems to resemble something you’d see off of MASH to me. No disrespect, but I almost imagine Hawkeye and his friends operating in their right this minute.

74. Now this tent is said to be a real palace.

Yes, it may resemble a castle. But I bet it nowhere near resembles what the Weasleys' tent did on the inside.

Yes, it may resemble a castle. But I bet it nowhere near resembles what the Weasleys’ tent did on the inside.

75. For moving around, this teepee tent is just the ticket.

Of course, it's made from canvas instead of buffalo skins. But at least it does its job.

Of course, it’s made from canvas instead of buffalo skins. But at least it does its job.

76. Who knew a trampoline tent would make a great tent floor?

Well, a trampoline has a firm surface which beats dirt. However, might cause some bouncing during the night.

Well, a trampoline has a firm surface which beats dirt. However, might cause some bouncing during the night.

77. Guess these two really seemed to let themselves go.

Actually, it's just their tent. But yeah, this is pretty kitschy for the beach.

Actually, it’s just their tent. But yeah, this is pretty kitschy for the beach.

78. This camper surely lets in the sunlight.

I think this one came from the 1960s. And I'm sure it folds out at the destination.

I think this one came from the 1960s. And I’m sure it folds out at the destination.

79. Perhaps a wooden cabin fits best on the back of a truck.

Guess this RV was inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Oh, wait that family didn't have an RV. What am I thinking?

Guess this RV was inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Oh, wait that family didn’t have an RV. What am I thinking?

80. If you want to camp out on the water, a floating teepee will serve you well.

Even though Plains Indians didn't camp on the water or had rafts. Because the water ways weren't always navigable.

Even though Plains Indians didn’t camp on the water or had rafts. Because the water ways weren’t always navigable.

81. For camping on the bike trail, this tent trailer can’t be beat.

Sure it's quite small. But so is the thing that's pulling it. Let that sink in.

Sure it’s quite small. But so is the thing that’s pulling it. Let that sink in.

82. You’re sure to have plenty of room in this forest yurt.

Yurts are homes on the Mongolian steppe. Still, I'm sure the doors aren't real.

Yurts are homes on the Mongolian steppe. Still, I’m sure the doors aren’t real.

83. This rooftop tent comes with its own shade.

Well, it keeps the ladder concealed from view. However, the window is totally fake.

Well, it keeps the ladder concealed from view. However, the window is totally fake.

84. When you need a break, this tent might put you at ease.

This is a tent that turns into a hammock whenever need be. It just needs to be flipped over from time to time.

This is a tent that turns into a hammock whenever need be. It just needs to be flipped over from time to time.

85. With a tent like this, you can fall asleep while watching the stars.

Unless it's rainy. Because rain doesn't fall on clear nights, usually.

Unless it’s rainy. Because rain doesn’t fall on clear nights, usually.

86. Sometimes two stacked tents are better than one.

That seems like an interesting canvas watchtower. And unlike some of the rooftop tents on here, it's not attached to a car.

That seems like an interesting canvas watchtower. And unlike some of the rooftop tents on here, it’s not attached to a car.

87. A tent like this has to be out of this world.

Yes, this is a tent of a space module. No, I don't know if it goes with a space shuttle one but I'll try to find out.

Yes, this is a tent of a space module. No, I don’t know if it goes with a space shuttle one but I’ll try to find out.

88. How about camping out in a honeycomb?

Another crazy tent that I'd probably won't see at a campground. Guess this one has 3 stories at least.

Another crazy tent that I’d probably won’t see at a campground. Guess this one has 3 stories at least.

89. Are you sure you want to take your house with you?

Yes, this is a camper shaped like a house. Not sure about the architectural style here.

Yes, this is a camper shaped like a house. Not sure about the architectural style here.

90. Camper or mobile garden shed?

It's a camper that's supposed to resemble a gypsy caravan. Still, not a fan of the color.

It’s a camper that’s supposed to resemble a gypsy caravan. Still, not a fan of the color.

91. This camper comes with all the works.

Well, this seems to come with a desk and shelf for starters. And the shelf seems to store two bottles of wine.

Well, this seems to come with a desk and shelf for starters. And the shelf seems to store two bottles of wine.

92. There’s nothing like a camper with an aluminum roof.

Well, this seems to be a DIY by the looks of it. Like the windows. And it seems to match the truck colors, too.

Well, this seems to be a DIY by the looks of it. Like the windows. And it seems to match the truck colors, too.

93. Guess this one went with the BLT option.

Okay, it's a camper painted as a cheeseburger which is pretty tacky. But I'm sure my viewers would get a kick out of this.

Okay, it’s a camper painted as a cheeseburger which is pretty tacky. But I’m sure my viewers would get a kick out of this.

94. Guess the tent camper goes on top to save luggage room.

Well, the tent camper looks pretty normal sans the wheels. But this seems to be pretty crazy to put it on the roof of a truck.

Well, the tent camper looks pretty normal sans the wheels. But this seems to be pretty crazy to put it on the roof of a truck.

95. Apparently, you might want to make room for this RV.

Let's just say if you want to see Darth Vader camping, you'd could bet any money he'd be sleeping in this. Doesn't help that the front reminds me of an Imperial Storrmtrooper's squashed face.

Let’s just say if you want to see Darth Vader camping, you’d could bet any money he’d be sleeping in this. Doesn’t help that the front reminds me of an Imperial Storrmtrooper’s squashed face.

96. Well, this hot camper was made on fire.

I'm sure this person is a hot rod fan. Not sure if the flames make it look cool though.

I’m sure this person is a hot rod fan. Not sure if the flames make it look cool though.

97. How about a camper in the lap of luxury?

I know it seems like a resort lodge. But it's one of those campers that just happens to have a swimming pool. Like the woodwork though.

I know it seems like a resort lodge. But it’s one of those campers that just happens to have a swimming pool. Like the woodwork though.

98. Can’t decide whether this design is industrial or futuristic.

Or if it's a cross between a trailer truck and a prison. But I think it's pretty lucky. And I think the lights sticking up really don't help.

Or if it’s a cross between a trailer truck and a prison. But I think it’s pretty lucky. And I think the lights sticking up really don’t help.

99. Well, at least they don’t have to worry about fire emergencies.

Okay, maybe they do. But it's funny how this camper is attached to a fire truck. And not a red one.

Okay, maybe they do. But it’s funny how this camper is attached to a fire truck. And not a red one.

100. If you want more room, you could pitch the tent section.

It's called an ECOcombo off grid camper. Said to be solar powered and comes with its own boat.

It’s called an ECOcombo off grid camper. Said to be solar powered and comes with its own boat.

The Great Wide World of Outdoor Gear

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Summer is a time when many of us spend considerable time in the great outdoors. Whether it means going camping, hiking, gardening, mowing the lawn, and what not, chances are that you’ll be engaged in at least one outdoor activity which means you’ll probably need some degree of such equipment well suited for whatever you endeavor. Above is a rough guide of what to put in your backpack when out hiking and camping in the great outdoors without any bathroom in sight. However, while I could list all the great outdoor equipment out there, I know you’d be bored to tears. Instead, I’ll list some of the wackier stuff you might find whether it’s for hikers, gardeners, or landscapers. They may be stuff you might be scratching your head about or things you never thought you needed. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you some crazy outdoor gear.

  1. A tool step will surely help you with pressing your shovel.
This hard plastic contraption is supposed to make digging a lot more easier. Until the plastic gets old and breaks, that is.

This hard plastic contraption is supposed to make digging a lot more easier. Until the plastic gets old and breaks, that is.

2. Pesky weeds? Get a weeder.

Yes, it looks like a brightly colored torture device. But it's not. Still, I have never really saw something like this in my life.

Yes, it looks like a brightly colored torture device. But it’s not. Still, I have never really saw something like this in my life.

3. For camping trips, perhaps try a rustic kitchen sink.

Someone must've made this from pallets and a kitchen sink. However, running water not included.

Someone must’ve made this from pallets and a kitchen sink. However, running water not included.

4. For camp cooking, try out a pine cone stove.

It's a pine cone stove because it burns pine cones. However, good luck finding use for this in Pennsylvania where there aren't as many conifers lurking around.

It’s a pine cone stove because it burns pine cones. However, good luck finding use for this in Pennsylvania where there aren’t as many conifers lurking around.

5. Introducing a new, state of the art, push mower.

You mean they still make these things? And with wheels you might see on a cabinet? Not sure what to think of that.

You mean they still make these things? And with wheels you might see on a cabinet? Not sure what to think of that.

6. This camp kitchen comes with a toaster oven and coffee machine.

So you don't have to worry about making coffee or bagels in the woods. Also very state of the art.

So you don’t have to worry about making coffee or bagels in the woods. Also very state of the art.

7. Introducing a new way to make smores on the grill.

On one hand, it looks quite convenient. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem quite right. Also, are heating the chocolate and graham crackers really necessary?

On one hand, it looks quite convenient. But on the other hand, it doesn’t seem quite right. Also, are heating the chocolate and graham crackers really necessary?

8. If you want a convenient camping shelf, look no further.

Another DIY camping thing. Like how this has a place for music, paper towels, and condiments as well as a trash can.

Another DIY camping thing. Like how this has a place for music, paper towels, and condiments as well as a trash can.

9. In case your campsite might be disturbed during the night, this knife flashlight will come in handy.

It's a knife with a flashlight. For when you need to use a knife at night. Other than for camp fires. I wouldn't be sure why this would exist.

It’s a knife with a flashlight. For when you need to use a knife at night. Other than for camp fires. I wouldn’t be sure why this would exist.

10. At a campsite why pack silverware when you can have Swiss Army cutlery?

On one hand, it seems rather convenient and saves space. But on the other hand, how do you wash it?

On one hand, it seems rather convenient and saves space. But on the other hand, how do you wash it?

11. How about a cooler in mahogany?

Yes, it's a cooler that takes the appearance of a mahogany trunk. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

Yes, it’s a cooler that takes the appearance of a mahogany trunk. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

12. For picking up pecans and nuts, this is just the thing.

Also great if you need something to use for bingo night. Know this requires about 75 ping pong balls.

Also great if you need something to use for bingo night. Know this requires about 75 ping pong balls.

13. For your camping needs, these red containers are just what you need.

These can be made into different things like containers, a shower, a bed, and a table. So your camping needs can be all accounted for.

These can be made into different things like containers, a shower, a bed, and a table. So your camping needs can be all accounted for.

14. Instead of a tool box, you might want to consider a hammer, ax, pliers, and Swiss Army knife all in one.

Then again, such devices can only do so much. But it's still interesting to look at.

Then again, such devices can only do so much. But it’s still interesting to look at.

15. Next time you have to shit in the woods, do it in this.

Sure it may not flush but at least it's not a port a potty. However, shitting in the woods in this doesn't give you much privacy.

Sure it may not flush but at least it’s not a port a potty. However, shitting in the woods in this doesn’t give you much privacy.

16. Why use a towel when you can use a big body wipe to dry yourself off?

Yes, it's like you're using a paper towel or baby wipe on your whole body. I'm sure this isn't environmentally sustainable.

Yes, it’s like you’re using a paper towel or baby wipe on your whole body. I’m sure this isn’t environmentally sustainable.

17. To keep your devices running as well as some extra lights, this Biolite Nanogrid got you covered.

Uh, isn't a camping trip supposed to be a time when you're supposed to put away electronic devices. That's how I understand it.

Uh, isn’t a camping trip supposed to be a time when you’re supposed to put away electronic devices. That’s how I grew up with understanding it.

18. Also from Biolite is a wood burning camp stove and generator.

Of course, such stove does exist. It's called a campfire. So unless you plan on hiking in a snow capped mountain range, you probably won't need this. Then again, it might use smaller wood pieces. Also, what did I say about electronics?

Of course, such stove does exist. It’s called a campfire. So unless you plan on hiking in a snow capped mountain range, you probably won’t need this. Then again, it might use smaller wood pieces. Also, what did I say about electronics?

19. Instead of having to stop to pee at the nearest rest stop, how about stop when you want to with the bumper dumper?

Then again, people might ask, "So why does this guy have a toilet attached to the back?" Yeah, people might think you're crazy. Also, there's the privacy thing.

Then again, people might ask, “So why does this guy have a toilet attached to the back?” Yeah, people might think you’re crazy. Also, there’s the privacy thing. Maybe use it when you’re in the woods.

20. Instead of a camp stove, try a cooka mat.

Think of it as a set of large hot plates for camping. Not sure if it's bound to work.

Think of it as a set of large hot plates for camping. Not sure if it’s bound to work.

21. For portability while camping, try an egg kitchen.

Includes everything along with the kitchen sink. And you can strap it to the roof of your car.

Includes everything along with the kitchen sink. And you can strap it to the roof of your car.

22. To get around in the dark, this intelligent lantern will light your way.

It even include speakers so you can listen to music. Yes, you read that right.

It even include speakers so you can listen to music. Yes, you read that right.

23. This camping mattress comes with built in speakers.

Why would anyone put speakers into a camping mattress? Unless, oh, I see what they mean. Maybe this isn't meant for a family camping trip per se.

Why would anyone put speakers into a camping mattress? Unless, oh, I see what they mean. Maybe this isn’t meant for a family camping trip per se.

24. To keep those pesky mosquitoes at bay, this mosquito repeller does the job.

If I can verify that it works, then I highly recommend this for Olympic spectators in Rio. For obvious reasons (though I'd question their sanity on why they even bothered, save for those with friends and family).

If I can verify that it works, then I highly recommend this for Olympic spectators in Rio. For obvious reasons (though I’d question their sanity on why they even bothered, save for those with friends and family).

25. For when you’re ripe on the trail, this portable shower comes in handy.

Of course, it might require you fill this with water first. That and find a place where nobody will see you. Unless you want to shower with your clothes on.

Of course, it might require you fill this with water first. That and find a place where nobody will see you. Unless you want to shower with your clothes on.

26. For morning campsite coffee, this coffee box is at your service.

Well, this seems quite convenient. Just make coffee in this box and all is fine. Not sure if it comes with its own cup.

Well, this seems quite convenient. Just make coffee in this box and all is fine. Not sure if it comes with its own cup.

27. Frying is easy in the outdoors with this Coleman Propane Fryer.

Then again, I would think this as nonessential because frying food doesn't work any nutritional wonders. And I'm surprised that Coleman has this available.

Then again, I would think this as nonessential because frying food doesn’t work any nutritional wonders. And I’m surprised that Coleman has this available.

28. Take your food with you in this Cruzin’ Cooler.

Yes, this a mix between a cooler and a tricycle. Also seems electric powered since it has an exhaust pipe.

Yes, this a mix between a cooler and a tricycle. Also seems electric powered since it has an exhaust pipe.

29. For some men, this is chair hammock to rest on in the great outdoors.

This one comes with shade and places to put your drinks. So it's all good.

This one comes with shade and places to put your drinks. So it’s all good.

30. This trunk camp kitchen puts all your culinary needs in one place.

Of course, this is more suited for those who earn 6 figured salaries. But that's beside the point. Still, I'm sure plenty would want this.

Of course, this is more suited for those who earn 6 figured salaries. But that’s beside the point. Still, I’m sure plenty would want this.

31. For those living off the grid, I have the perfect mower for you.

Well, that's one way to make Fluffy useful. However, I think using other animals would be far more efficient. Also gives your lawn a free fertilization.

Well, that’s one way to make Fluffy useful. However, I think using other animals would be far more efficient. Also gives your lawn a free fertilization.

32. For Rover’s camping accommodations, how about his own sleeping bag?

Still, remember that most national and state parks don't allow pets for obvious reasons. So it's very unlikely you'll get to use it.

Still, remember that most national and state parks don’t allow pets for obvious reasons. So it’s very unlikely you’ll get to use it.

33. For easy gardening, get yourself an Easy Bloom Plant Sensor.

This little gadget tells you what will grow in the space you got and how to care for them. As for my home, there's probably not much due to shitty soil content.

This little gadget tells you what will grow in the space you got and how to care for them. As for my home, there’s probably not much due to shitty soil content.

34. For better smores, try the Electric Marshmallow Roaster.

Now you can roast your marshmallows on a rotation. Also works with hotdogs.

Now you can roast your marshmallows on a rotation. Also works with hotdogs.

35. For great storage space, try this spice rack backpack on a tree.

I'm sure you'd want this on your camping trip after you read this post. Seriously, who wouldn't?

I’m sure you’d want this on your camping trip after you read this post. Seriously, who wouldn’t?

36. You never had a strong cup of coffee in the great outdoors until you’ve brewed it with a propane coffee maker.

Brought to you by Coleman. However, using propane isn't as glamorous for the outdoors once you realize how it's extracted these days.

Brought to you by Coleman. However, using propane isn’t as glamorous for the outdoors once you realize how it’s extracted these days. As I can testify.

37. For your camping morning rituals, this box has you covered.

Even comes with a mirror and a place you can fill it up with water. What more can you want?

Even comes with a mirror and a place you can fill it up with water. What more can you want?

38. Crockery and containers are easy to store when they come stacked.

Comes with some pots, pans, bowls, and a few containers. I'm sure it can't be beat.

Comes with some pots, pans, bowls, and a few containers. I’m sure it can’t be beat.

39. For picnics, you might want to help yourselves to this Propane “Party Hub” Grill.

However, remember that most parks have fire pits at camp and picnic sites. So why would anyone think this is necessary?

However, remember that most parks have fire pits at camp and picnic sites. So why would anyone think this is necessary?

40. For food processing in the great outdoors, this crank blender is at your command.

Because sipping margaritas and smoothies in the woods = survival. Not sure if I think about that. Probably makes a lot of noise, too.

Because sipping margaritas and smoothies in the woods = survival. Not sure if I think about that. Probably makes a lot of noise, too.

41. For on the go hygiene on your hike, try the pocket shower.

Yes, this is a shower you can carry in the palm of your hand. Butyou have to fill it with water and put it up a tree first.

Yes, this is a shower you can carry in the palm of your hand. But you have to fill it with water and put it up a tree first.

42. Change your campfire’s color with some fire crystals.

Yes, those flame colors may look pretty. But it's recommended that you don't roast marshmallows over them. Since they contain certain chemicals.

Yes, those flame colors may look pretty. But it’s recommended that you don’t roast marshmallows over them. Since they contain certain chemicals.

43. This camp kitchen has everything you can fit in a suitcase.

And I wasn't kidding. Because this camp kitchen is literally in a suitcase. Very handy.

And I wasn’t kidding. Because this camp kitchen is literally in a suitcase. Very handy.

44. Why mow the lawn when you have a mowbot?

Someone made this as a project. However, I bet my dad would be envious if something like this existed.

Someone made this as a project. However, I bet my dad would be envious if something like this existed.

45. Speaking of mowers, there’s no better way to cut the grass than with a large hot rod engine.

Okay, it's probably more of a piece of DIY farm equipment. But you just have to see the kid on the seat smiling and holding his hand. That's great.

Okay, it’s probably more of a piece of DIY farm equipment. But you just have to see the kid on the seat smiling and holding his hand. That’s great.

46. For outdoor camping outside, this grill comes easy to carry.

Because you can fold it and take it with you on the go. Even though it's hard to tell how you make it work from the picture. Like how it's called a "GoBQ."

Because you can fold it and take it with you on the go. Even though it’s hard to tell how you make it work from the picture. Like how it’s called a “GoBQ.”

47. Now you can have cold drinks with you wherever you sit and wherever you go.

These are folding cooler bag chairs. Great for camping and other activities. If you value your access to drinks over the comfort of your seat.

These are folding cooler bag chairs. Great for camping and other activities. If you value your access to drinks over the comfort of your seat.

48. This Garden Groom will help keep your hedges trim.

Yes, it looks like a vacuum and probably sounds like one. But it seems to do a really great pruning job.

Yes, it looks like a vacuum and probably sounds like one. But it seems to do a really great pruning job.

49. Now you don’t have to worry about laundry at the campsite with this washer and dryer.

Of course, you can wash clothes in water before drying them on the line. But that would take too long.

Of course, you can wash clothes in water before drying them on the line. But that would take too long.

50. GoTenna will always give you better reception in the great outdoors.

Because if you're stuck in the woods, you'll bet there's a strong chance of no cell phone service. Keep that in mind.

Because if you’re stuck in the woods, you’ll bet there’s a strong chance of no cell phone service. Keep that in mind.

51. Need a better way to clean your grill? Try Grillbot.

This is an automatic grill brush. Said to clean your grill, hands free, in no time. And my dad is like, "Oh, shit."

This is an automatic grill brush. Said to clean your grill, hands free, in no time. And my dad is like, “Oh, shit.”

52. For cutting off high limbs in hard to reach places, this high limb chain saw has got you covered.

Now you can cut high limbs from a tree without having to worry about risking serious injury. At least not as much than having to do it with a ladder.

Now you can cut high limbs from a tree without having to worry about risking serious injury. At least not as much than having to do it with a ladder.

53. When keeping warm at the campfire, you can’t do without a honcho poncho.

It's part blanket and part poncho. And unlike the snuggie, it was made for the great outdoors in all kinds of weather.

It’s part blanket and part poncho. And unlike the snuggie, it was made for the great outdoors in all kinds of weather.

54. With the Husquvarna Automated Lawn Mower, you don’t have go out to cut the grass again.

Man, I know my dad would want this if he saw it. But I'm sure it's expensive as hell.

Man, I know my dad would want this if he saw it. But I’m sure it’s expensive as hell.

55. On a hike, this battery powered shower fits in the palm of your hand.

Sure it looks like some headphone. But you put water in it. I know it doesn't look like much but it's a portable shower.

Sure it looks like some headphone. But you put water in it. I know it doesn’t look like much but it’s a portable shower.

56. This Life Straw Personal Water Filter will guarantee you fresh drinking water all the time.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who need this. Namely people who are either camping or on some Latin American vacation. These need to be distributed to Olympic spectators in Rio.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who need this. Namely people who are either camping or on some Latin American vacation. These need to be distributed to Olympic spectators in Rio.

57. With this riding mower, be the king of the open lawn.

Yes, this is a motorcycle riding mower. It's part motorcycle, part tractor. Probably some kind of project in some guy's garage.

Yes, this is a motorcycle riding mower. It’s part motorcycle, part tractor. Probably some kind of project in some guy’s garage.

58. To keep dry and your hands free in the rain, a nubrella is just for you.

While the nubrella might keep you dry, it won't stop you from looking like a total idiot. Take it from someone who knows.

While the nubrella might keep you dry, it won’t stop you from looking like a total idiot. Take it from someone who knows.

59. An Oru kayak is a very convenient way to go across the river.

Because you can fold it and carry it with you on land. Not sure about the lack of an oar though.

Because you can fold it and carry it with you on land. Not sure about the lack of an oar though.

60. This is EcoWash Dinner Set by Electrolux is perfect for the lazy camper.

And here we have what this device consist of as well as how to wash the dishes with it. Note that it has to use its own plates.

And here we have what this device consist of as well as how to wash the dishes with it. Note that it has to use its own plates.

61. For convenient clothes washing, you might want to go with a Scrubba wash bag.

Yes, this is a laundry bag. But it's a laundry bag you wash clothes in while camping. There's a difference.

Yes, this is a laundry bag. But it’s a laundry bag you wash clothes in while camping. There’s a difference.

62. If you need to shit in the woods, the squat strap really comes in handy.

Because if you need to shit in the woods, it can be hard to sit down. Squatting can sometimes be very uncomfortable on these occasions.

Because if you need to shit in the woods, it can be hard to sit down. Squatting can sometimes be very uncomfortable on these occasions.

63. Cook food on the camp site by using the power of the sun with this GoSun solar oven.

I guess the tube in this thing is bigger than it looks in the picture. Because you can put a whole chicken in it.

I guess the tube in this thing is bigger than it looks in the picture. Because you can put a whole chicken in it.

64. To get rid of pesky garden spiders, this spider catcher comes in handy.

Of course, not all spiders are dangerous though being bit by them is not pleasant. Believe me, I've put up with that one spring.

Of course, not all spiders are dangerous though being bit by them is not pleasant. Believe me, I’ve put up with that one spring.

65. For better mowing and less movement, go with the lazy man’s power mower.

This is from a vintage image as you can see. Has a rather futuristic design with the dad in the bubble.

This is from a vintage image as you can see. Has a rather futuristic design with the dad in the bubble.

66. Make gardening easier with a tractor scoot.

Not sure if it makes gardening easier for anyone like me. But I wouldn't mind having it on me (at least for fun).

Not sure if it makes gardening easier for anyone like me. But I wouldn’t mind having it on me (at least for fun).

67. When camping, just remember that Sparky needs his own shelter, too.

Yes, I know it's ridiculous because a lot of state and national parks don't allow pets. But it makes a great photo op.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous because a lot of state and national parks don’t allow pets. But it makes a great photo op.

68. If you don’t like the tractor scoot, the wearable garden stool is just as good.

Talk about having a stick up your ass on this one. Not sure how it will make gardening easier if it has one leg.

Talk about having a stick up your ass on this one. Not sure how it will make gardening easier if it has one leg.

69. This Wegner is the only Swiss Army Knife you ever need.

Because this one has a lot of stuff in it for any camping trip. Costs $1300.

Because this one has a lot of stuff in it for any camping trip. Costs $1300.

70. This solar charger gives your iPhone all the power you’ll ever need on your camping trip.

Uh, isn't camping supposed to be pertain to not using electronics? Then again, you can't really stop using your cell phone.

Uh, isn’t camping supposed to be pertain to not using electronics? Then again, you can’t really stop using your cell phone.

71. Need hot water? This Cuissental Slick Boil is just for you.

This kettle is of collapsible silicon. Makes it resistant to fire and insulates heat.

This kettle is of collapsible silicon. Makes it resistant to fire and insulates heat.

72. During a camping trip, a trampoline is always fun, on the water.

Yes, these do exist. And you can inflate them to put on a body of water. Yet, makes sure it's a beach before you use it.

Yes, these do exist. And you can inflate them to put on a body of water. Yet, makes sure it’s a beach before you use it.

73. This garden implement has a rake on one side and a hoe on the other.

Well, the hoe is abnormally wider than usual. But what did you expect?

Well, the hoe is abnormally wider than usual. But what did you expect from a wide garden implement like a rake?

74. A cocoon hammock is great when you need some privacy.

Not sure if it qualifies as a tent. But I wouldn't mind having this on a camping trip. Looks nice and cozy.

Not sure if it qualifies as a tent. But I wouldn’t mind having this on a camping trip. Looks nice and cozy.

75. A double sleeping bag is where the magic happens.

Yes, young romantic campers, these things exist. And I'm not sure if you'd want to take it on a family camping trip. Might go well with the camp mattress with speakers.

Yes, young romantic campers, these things exist. And I’m not sure if you’d want to take it on a family camping trip. Might go well with the camp mattress with speakers.

76. This Folding Flat Pot props up whenever you need it while camping.

It's a sheet of metal. But you can make it into a square pot if you need to do so.

It’s a sheet of metal. But you can make it into a square pot if you need to do so.

77. These solar powered Luminaid lights will illuminate any camp site.

Comes in 8 different colors. But they store power from the sun during the day. And use it during the night.

Comes in 8 different colors. But they store power from the sun during the day. And use it during the night.

78. This flashlight nightlight shows light way ahead of your path.

This one could be really handy if you have to go to the campground bathroom in the middle of the night. Like how it uses 2 lights.

This one could be really handy if you have to go to the campground bathroom in the middle of the night. Like how it uses 2 lights.

79. For a simpler campfire experience, help yourself to a campfire in a can.

Or as I call it, a "campfire for lazy people." Seriously, campfires should have real wood and be made by scratch. Not this.

Or as I call it, a “campfire for lazy people.” Seriously, campfires should have real wood and be made by scratch. Not this.

80. For pesky bugs, you might want this zap racket by your side.

Yes, a racket that will catch those pesky summer bugs. Might make them suffer but do I give a shit about them? No.

Yes, a racket that will catch those pesky summer bugs. Might make them suffer but do I give a shit about them? No.

81. Musuc Wear is the only kind of camping sleep wear you’ll ever need.

Yes, it's a sleeping bag you can wear. I know it's crazy and I probably showed this before. But I couldn't resist.

Yes, it’s a sleeping bag you can wear. I know it’s crazy and I probably showed this before. But I couldn’t resist.

82. With a watering can adapter, you use bottle to water your plants.

These look quite handy since you can use it on bottles. Comes in several different colors.

These look quite handy since you can use it on bottles. Comes in several different colors.

83. Garden gloves like these help you dig with your hands.

Kind of reminds you of some colorful claw hand. Yet, it's only a plastic glove that's a lame Wolverine imitation.

Kind of reminds you of some colorful claw hand. Yet, it’s only a plastic glove that’s a lame Wolverine imitation.

84. Sometimes you might need a row boat you can fit in your bag.

So if you hear "Dueling Banjoes" on the Appalachian Trail, you'll know when to get it out and rowing. Okay, I'm just kidding on that one.

So if you hear “Dueling Banjoes” on the Appalachian Trail, you’ll know when to get it out and rowing. Okay, I’m just kidding on that one.

85. Ever wish you can sit in a big camp chair? Now you can.

No, this isn't photoshop. The chair is actually that big. Take my word for it. Believe me.

No, this isn’t photoshop. The chair is actually that big. Take my word for it. Or Buzzfeed’s.

86. Steripen Freedom will help purify any water for you.

A must have for those on camping trips in the woods or on Latin American vacations. Because you never know what's in the water.

A must have for those on camping trips in the woods or on Latin American vacations. Because you never know what’s in the water.

87. This solar light can withstand the dark and stormy nights.

This would be a must have for any camper in my area. Because when it's not hot in Southwestern PA during the summer, it's incredibly rainy.

This would be a must have for any camper in my area. Because when it’s not hot in Southwestern PA during the summer, it’s incredibly rainy.

88. This solar powered bottle light is great in any dark situations.

It also ensures that you have an emergency light that doesn't take much space. A must have for any hiker or camper.

It also ensures that you have an emergency light that doesn’t take much space. A must have for any hiker or camper.

89. For a convenient cup of coffee in the great outdoors, this Handexpresso is all you need.

As if getting coffee couldn't be more simpler. I know so many people might feel this is something they didn't know they needed.

As if getting coffee couldn’t be more simpler. I know so many people might feel this is something they didn’t know they needed.

90. If you want to travel light, you might want to take this ultralight camp stove with you.

And I mean light. Since it barely resembles a stove. Just a very sophisticated bunsen burner from an advanced chemistry class.

And I mean light. Since it barely resembles a stove. Just a very sophisticated bunsen burner from an advanced chemistry class.

91. This backpack comes with its own solar power cell.

Well, at least you can charge you devices with this like your GPS and cell phone. Then again, you might not get much of signal anyway.

Well, at least you can charge you devices with this like your GPS and cell phone. Then again, you might not get much of signal anyway.

92. For shade around the campfire this chair has got you covered.

Now I would certainly want this for the beach. Also comes with bag for reading material like magazines.

Now I would certainly want this for the beach. Also comes with bag for reading material like magazines.

93. Keep your water pure in this Camelbak UV Light Water Purifier.

This even comes with a light. Said to purify water in 60 seconds from anywhere. Not sure if I buy it.

This even comes with a light. Said to purify water in 60 seconds from anywhere. Not sure if I buy it.

94. For your campsite take out, you’ll need these chopsticks.

Unless you're from East Asia, I'd see no reason why anyone would need these. Seriously, does anyone eat take out during a camping trip?

Unless you’re from East Asia, I’d see no reason why anyone would need these. Seriously, does anyone eat take out during a camping trip?

95. This tent chair can be shaped for many different purposes.

You can use it as a bed, tent, recliner, and chair. So there should be no reason why anyone wouldn't want this.

You can use it as a bed, tent, recliner, and chair. So there should be no reason why anyone wouldn’t want this.

96. Now you can grill on the go with Grilliput.

Comes with a tray and fire pit. But it sure looks quite simple to assemble. Doesn't it?

Comes with a tray and fire pit. But it sure looks quite simple to assemble. Doesn’t it?

97. This Ice Mule Cooler will store cold drinks on any hiking trip.

Of course, beer seems to be the popular choice. Because some hikers prefer to party during the night.

Of course, beer seems to be the popular choice. Because some hikers prefer to party during the night.

98. You can put up these hanging chairs at the back of a truck or car.

However, they seem like they could get tangled easily. Not sure how anyone could sit in them.

However, they seem like they could get tangled easily. Not sure how anyone could sit in them.

99. Watering plants is easier with Ucan.

Yes, it's a large watering can but you can pull it and carry it whenever you need to. So I guess it's quite handy.

Yes, it’s a large watering can but you can pull it and carry it whenever you need to. So I guess it’s quite handy.

100. Storing water in your backpack is easy with these Hydaway bottles.

And if you're not using them, you can store them away. Simple as that. Also come in a lot of different colors.

And if you’re not using them, you can store them away. Simple as that. Also come in a lot of different colors.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Fifth Edition)

As an aspiring writer, I know getting a book published is a very difficult endeavor since you have the pitch the idea and even if you do everything right and your book is good, there’s a chance you’d still face rejection. However, there are so many books out there that make the whole thing seem so easy because they don’t seem that good to begin with. Yes, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but sometimes you can’t help yourself. Sometimes you might see a book with a crazy design. Sometimes it might have a crazy title. Or occasionally it might have a design that might send the wrong message. And then there are covers for classic books that don’t exactly correspond with what the story is really about. But whatever the case, I managed to get about 4 posts out of them because you keep finding more. So for your reading pleasure, I present you with another treasure trove of questionable book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. As you might see from the previous editions.

 

  1. Fashion Cats by Takako Iwasa
I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

Because Fluffy always needs to look up to date on the latest styles.

2. How to Teach Physics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn't mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn't mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn’t mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn’t mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Since Rover needs to know the average amount of force it takes for you to throw the ball.

3. How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Doug Richmond

Of course, this doesn't mean you'll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Very handy for anyone going into witness protection or are simply trying to hide from the law.

4. Social Sciences by Dave Daggett

However, it's said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

However, it’s said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

If you want to know how sunbeams can be extracted from cucumbers, this is the book for you.

5. Manifold Destiny: The One, the Only Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn't that mess up the engine? Seriously, it's only going to make your mechanic happy.

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn’t that mess up the engine? Seriously, it’s only going to make your mechanic happy.

For those hungry travelers stranded on the open road and miles away from the nearest gas station, this is for you.

6. Strangers Have the Best Candy by Margaret Meps Schulte

Fortunately, this isn't a children's book but a travelogue about a woman's interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

Fortunately, this isn’t a children’s book but a travelogue about a woman’s interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

With the possible exception of Mr. Creepers and his windowless van.

7. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don't think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don’t think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Complete with Tolstoy’s deleted scene with naked lesbians.

8. Jesus on Mars by Philip Jose Farmer

Also, Jesus doesn't seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn't have any trees.

Also, Jesus doesn’t seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn’t have any trees.

Will Jesus save the little green men? Or will they shoot him with laser beams?

9. The Princess Bitchface Syndrome: Surviving Adolescent Girls by Michael Carr-Gregg

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn't describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn't.

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn’t describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn’t.

Because let’s face, adolescent girls are just a pain in the ass.

10. My Beautiful Mommy by Michael Alexander Salzhauer and illustrated by Victor Gulza

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could've handled the subject better. For instance, the author could've had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could’ve handled the subject better. For instance, the author could’ve had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Or how to stay positive when your mom goes through plastic surgery because she has severe self-esteem issues about her looks.

11. Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way by Michael Young

From Mental-Floss: "Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book."

From Mental-Floss: “Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book.”

Now you can learn how to ruthlessly manage a dental practice like a 13th century Mongolian.

12. Betty Zane by Zane Grey

It's actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother's home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

It’s actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother’s home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

Guess this is about what Betty Zane wants for Christmas.

13. Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Let me guess, kind of a sci-fi, space fantasy flick.

14. The Madam as an Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution by Barbara Sherman Heyl

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

Also known as, “The Woman’s Guide on How to Succeed in Whorehouse Management.”

15. Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don't know. There's something not right here.

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don’t know. There’s something not right here.

Oh, no, not the tractor loving guys again.

16. The Mother Truckers by Marcus Miller

Because I don't see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

Because I don’t see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

So I guess Gay Biker Boys in Bondage was already taken.

17. Gay Traders by Aaron Thomas

Then again, "Gay Traders" probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it's more of a shower orgy than anything.

Then again, “Gay Traders” probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it’s more of a shower orgy than anything.

Featuring the least gay group shower scene ever despite the title.

18. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain

No, I don't think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It's supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God's sake.

No, I don’t think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It’s supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God’s sake.

Wait a minute, I don’t think that Camelot is supposed to be in outer space.

19. Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Creative Thinking by Tom Montahan

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn't help either.

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn’t help either. Sorry, but I don’t think a self-help book cover is supposed to give me nightmares.

Because nothing brings out creative thinking than performing some self-inflicted horrific brain surgery.

20. Carma Sutra: The Auto-Erotic Handbook by Alan Games and Esther Seisdon

Yes, this book exists. And I really don't want to know what's in it. Really, I don't think there's a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Yes, this book exists. And I really don’t want to know what’s in it. Really, I don’t think there’s a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Now you can explore your sex life without having to ask, “Your place or mine?”

21. The Emerald City of Oz by L. Frank Baum

No, I don't think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn't seem very green to me.

No, I don’t think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn’t seem very green to me.

Man, Emerald City doesn’t look so green these days.

22. Yoga for Equestrians: A New Path for Achieving Union with the Horse by Linda Benedik and Veronica Wirth

Seems like they'd promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

Seems like they’d promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

For those who wish to do yoga while on horseback, this is the book for you.

23. The Relaxed Rabbit: Massage for Your Pet Bunny by Chandra Moira Beal, RMT and Maia

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Now you can learn how to give massages to Flopsy.

24. Learning to Play with a Lion’s Testicles: Unexpected Gifts from the Animals from Africa by Melissa Haynes

Sure it's about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it's a very stupid way to die.

Sure it’s about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it’s a very stupid way to die.

Actually learning to play with a lion’s testicles is incredibly easy: don’t.

25. My Darling, My Hamburger by Paul Zindel

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she'll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she’ll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

A steamy romance novel where “do you want fries with that” has multiple connotations.

26. If God Loves Me, Then Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? by Lorraine Petersen

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would've thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would’ve thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

God: Maybe you just got the wrong combination numbers. That’s why.

27. Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat

I don't think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he's kind of freaked out by it.

I don’t think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he’s kind of freaked out by it.

As if Knitting with Dog Hair wasn’t the most insane craft book already.

28. Natural Bust Enhancement with Total Mind Power by Donald Wilson, M.D.

From Mental Floss: "Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, 'You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'"

From Mental Floss: “Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, ‘You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'”

Because why go through surgery when you can get bigger boobs by just using your mind?

29. Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigation Made Easy by John Q. Newman

Still, given how "dick" has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

Still, given how “dick” has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

After all, if you think your husband’s cheating on you, why waste money hiring a guy to follow him when you can do it yourself?

30. Extreme Ironing by Phil Shaw

Now it's one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That's just ridiculous.

Now it’s one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That’s just ridiculous.

Featuring pictures of people going to extreme lengths to iron their clothes.

31. Pet Goats and Pap Smears: 101 Medical Adventures to Open Your Mind and Heart by Pamela Wible, M.D.

I know this is supposed to be a medical story book. But the goat's placement is very freaky to me. Seriously.

I know this is supposed to be a medical story book. But the goat’s placement is very freaky to me. Seriously.

I really don’t think a goat is a great place for a gynecologist’s office.

32. You Don’t Have to Be Gay: Hope and Freedom for Males Struggling with Homosexuality or for Those Who Know Someone Who Is by J. A. Konrad

This book basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you're gay, you don't have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there's nothing wrong with being gay.

This garbage basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you’re gay, you don’t have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Because, men, why do you have to come out of the closet and accept it as your sexual identity when you could just go through the self-hating process of gay conversion therapy?

33. A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago by Ben Hecht

No, I don't think Chicago is a barren desert since it's in the Great Lakes region. Also, it's kind of flat.

No, I don’t think Chicago is a barren desert since it’s in the Great Lakes region. Also, it’s kind of flat.

Yes, read Ben Hecht’s account about surviving in one of the harshest deserts of Illinois.

34. The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G.K. Chesterton

Wait a minute, the English landscape doesn't look like that. That's seems like something you'd see in the Rockies.

Wait a minute, the English landscape doesn’t look like that. That’s seems like something you’d see in the Rockies.

Apparently, Notting Hill is known for its tall snow-capped mountains and vast bodies of water.

35. The Thing about Georgie by Lisa Graff

What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it's about a kid who hung himself? Seriously, this is insane!

What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it’s about a kid who hung himself! Seriously, this is bound to traumatize children!

Apparently, a children’s novel about childhood suicide, published by Scholastic.

36. How to Kill Your Girlfriend’s Cat Again by Dr. Robert Daphne

Look, guys, if you don't like your girlfriend's cat either put up with it until it dies or break up with her. Because many people see killing your girlfriend's cat as a major relationship dealbreaker.

Look, guys, if you don’t like your girlfriend’s cat either put up with it until it dies or break up with her. Because many people see killing your girlfriend’s cat as a major relationship dealbreaker.

Another thing that’s incredibly easy to do: don’t. Seriously, Dwight Schrute learned the hard way by putting one of Angela’s cats in the freezer.

37. Why Isn’t God Giving Cash Prizes? by Lorraine Peterson

I wish tell Lorraine Peterson that she really needs a better cover designer, considering the titles. How about God calling out lotto numbers?

I wish tell Lorraine Peterson that she really needs a better cover designer, considering the titles. How about God calling out lotto numbers?

Because God doesn’t play favorites and thinks cash is just a human invention.

38. Daisy Miller and Other Stories by Henry James

Sorry, but I don't think Daisy Miller was a desert dwelling kick ass assassin. She was probably some turn of the century society woman whose parents made her participate in some institutionalized gold digging.

Sorry, but I don’t think Daisy Miller was a desert dwelling kick ass assassin. She was probably some turn of the century society woman whose parents made her participate in some institutionalized gold digging.

Look out, Henry James’s Daisy Miller is packing heat.

39. My Big Lie by Bill Cosby

Of course, everyone knows what Little Bill's big lie is, which he's been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children's section.

Of course, everyone knows what Big Bill’s big lie is, which he’s been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children’s section.

Think about as a children’s book version of Confessions of a Date Rapist.

40. The Legends of King Arthur and His Knights by James Knowles

This picture seems like it was taken straight off from some book about the Napoleonic Wars. Or the War of 1812. Not sure about the color of these uniforms.

This picture seems like it was taken straight off from some book about the Napoleonic Wars. Or the War of 1812. Not sure about the color of these uniforms.

No, I don’t think medieval knights dressed like that in battle.

41. Does God Speak Through Cats? by David Evans

From Mental Floss: "This is one of those pressing questions the Bible, the Torah, and the Qu’ran all neglected to answer." Apparently, the ridiculous cat books seem to be endless.

From Mental Floss: “This is one of those pressing questions the Bible, the Torah, and the Qu’ran all neglected to answer.” Apparently, the ridiculous cat books seem to be endless.

The kind of question crazy cat lovers have been asking for centuries.

42. The Lull Before Dorking

It's actually a collection of 1871 British pamphlets. "Dorking" here might mean either market in South London or a 5-toed domestic fowl. I'm not sure which.

It’s actually a collection of 1871 British pamphlets. “Dorking” here might mean either market in South London or a 5-toed domestic fowl. I’m not sure which.

Apparently, this isn’t a prequel to the Big Bang Theory.

43. My Angelica by Carol Lynch Williams

Yeah, I don't think teenage girls should have Harlequin romance fantasies. Sparkly vampires would be more age appropriate.

Yeah, I don’t think teenage girls should have Harlequin romance fantasies. Sparkly vampires would be more age appropriate.

Because trashy romance novelists were once 12-year-olds, too.

44. How to Poo on a Date:The Lovers’ Guide to Toilet Etiquette by Mats and Enzo

Really? Do we really need a book on how to poop on a date? Can't just going to the restroom be good enough?

Really? Do we really need a book on how to poop on a date? Can’t just going to the restroom be good enough?

For when you’re in a romantic mood and have to do a No.2.

45. The New Radiation Recipe Book

Learn how to make meals such as 3 headed sheep, Chernobyl casserole, China Syndrome chicken, and Westinghouse salad. Dishes might cause radiation sickness though.

Learn how to make meals such as 3 headed sheep, Chernobyl casserole, China Syndrome chicken, and Westinghouse salad. Dishes might cause radiation sickness though.

Featuring the finest cuisine straight from Three Mile Island.

46. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

While Rebecca does have some romance, it's not exactly what I call a romance novel. Mostly because I don't find Manderley an ideal romantic setting. Quite the opposite.

While Rebecca does have some romance, it’s not exactly what I call a romance novel. Mostly because I don’t find Manderley an ideal romantic setting. Quite the opposite.

Because there’s nothing sexy like a young wife with a massive lack of self-esteem who’s constantly harassed by the maid and her middle aged husband who yells at her all the time without explaining why.

47. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

This cover is more suited for a business textbook than a Jane Austen novel. I don't think the Dashwood sisters are pros at customer service.

This cover is more suited for a business textbook than a Jane Austen novel. I don’t think the Dashwood sisters are pros at customer service.

Uh, I don’t think that looks early 19th century to me.

48. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Hell, even having a Nazis or a swastika on the cover would be more appropriate than a domino set. This doesn't set the right mood.

Hell, even having a Nazis or a swastika on the cover would be more appropriate than a domino set. This doesn’t set the right mood.

This is about a young girl who lives in Nazi Germany, not a pulpy detective story.

49. Treat Your Neck by Robin McKenzie

From Mental Floss: "In the days before hypochondriacs could be satisfied (or spurred on) by a quick WebMD search for symptoms like “stiff elbow” or “sore ankles,” Spinal Publications New Zealand Ltd. and physical therapist Robin McKenzie released a handy paperback guide to self-care for all neck-related problems. Reviews of the book range from “highly recommend!” to a warning that some of the exercises might be “quite harmful” to those with pre-existing arthritis. Exercise caution when reading."

From Mental Floss: “In the days before hypochondriacs could be satisfied (or spurred on) by a quick WebMD search for symptoms like “stiff elbow” or “sore ankles,” Spinal Publications New Zealand Ltd. and physical therapist Robin McKenzie released a handy paperback guide to self-care for all neck-related problems. Reviews of the book range from “highly recommend!” to a warning that some of the exercises might be “quite harmful” to those with pre-existing arthritis. Exercise caution when reading.”

Finally, a book about combating neck pain.

50. Daughters of Eve by Lois Duncan

This looks like something that's straight out of a men's rights activist's nightmares. Seriously, feminists don't usually hate men, they just hate how the male-dominated system treats them.

This looks like something that’s straight out of a men’s rights activist’s nightmares. Seriously, feminists don’t usually hate men, they just hate how the male-dominated system treats them.

Watch out, girls, the teen feminist cultists are coming for you!

51. Venusia by Mark von Schlegell

Believe it or not, this was the original Hooters girl costume design. It was rejected for obvious reasons.

Believe it or not, this was the original Hooters girl costume design. It was rejected for obvious reasons.

Lady owls have never looked so sexy before.

52. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

No, there weren't any naked women riding on horseback in this book. This painting has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

No, there weren’t any naked women riding on horseback in this book. This painting has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

What the hell is Lady Godiva doing here? This book takes place in the early 19th century for God’s sake!

53. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Look, if a classic doesn't have a naked lady in the text, don't put one on the cover. People might mistake it for something else, adolescent boys in particular.

Look, if a classic doesn’t have a naked lady in the text, don’t put one on the cover. People might mistake it for something else, adolescent boys in particular.

So where do we meet the naked lady in this one?

54. Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos Volume I by H.P. Lovecraft

Seriously, we all should know that Cthulhu is more of a menacing sea creature than anything. Why they put a skull, is anyone's guess.

Seriously, we all should know that Cthulhu is more of a menacing sea creature than anything. Why they put a skull, is anyone’s guess.

Uh, I don’t think Cthulhu is a steaming skull.

55. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Makes it hard to believe that this story inspired Bladerunner. Yeah, the cover makes it seem quite lame.

Makes it hard to believe that this story inspired Bladerunner. Yeah, the cover makes it seem quite lame.

Here’s a case where the cover designer took the title way too literally.

56. Sexual Harassment at Work by Sue Read

However, do we really need an image of a guy playing grab ass? That's disturbing.

However, do we really need an image of a guy playing grab ass? That’s disturbing.

Well, at least you can see what this book is actually talking about.

57. Wildlife Contraception: Issues, Methods, and Applications edited by Cheryl S. Asa and Ingrid J. Porton

Of course, when it comes to deer, one of the best ways to control their population is to shoot them. Natural predators exist for a reason, people.

Of course, when it comes to deer, one of the best ways to control their population is to shoot them. Natural predators exist for a reason, people.

Because when it comes to controlling the wild animal population spay and neuter won’t do.

58. The Thermodynamics of Pizza: Essays on Science and Everyday Life by Harold J. Morowitz

At Saint Vincent, I thought my chemistry in daily life class would be about stuff like this. Turns out, it was about nutritional content, specifically what chemical inbalances lead to Type II Diabetes.

At Saint Vincent, I thought my chemistry in daily life class would be about stuff like this. Turns out, it was about nutritional content, specifically what chemical inbalances lead to Type II Diabetes.

For those who want to know the heat distribution of pizza. But it might not help those who seek to know the same about hot pockets.

59. What Shat That? A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity by Matt Pagett

I can imagine that this might be a rather useful book. But would anyone want to use it? Its literally full of shit.

I can imagine that this might be a rather useful book. But would anyone want to use it? It’s literally full of shit.

The handy guide that will help you determine whether a bear really did shit in the woods.

60. The Spirit of the Border by Zane Grey

It's a historical novel based on events centering around the Ohio River Valley in the late 18th century. Focuses on a guy who dedicated his life on Native American destruction and protecting white settlement. Not anything cuddly.

It’s a historical novel based on events centering around the Ohio River Valley in the late 18th century. Focuses on a guy who dedicated his life on Native American destruction and protecting white settlement. Not anything cuddly.

I don’t think this book has anything to do with kitties on a tree.

Hogwarts Teacher Evaluations by Albus Dumbledore

Dumbledore's_speech_at_the_Great_Hall_in_1996

Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

 

  1. Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

 

  1. Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

 

  1. Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

 

  1. Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

 

  1. Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

 

  1. Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

 

  1. Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

 

  1. Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

 

  1. Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

 

  1. Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

 

  1. Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

 

  1. Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

 

  1. Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

 

  1. Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

 

  1. Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

 

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

 

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

 

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.

 

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Fifth Edition)

vintage_california

Once again, it’s summer vacation season where people travel to some far off destination before having to deal with back to school season. Or if they can afford it and have any vacation days. Because a lot of people in the US don’t. Nevertheless, this California postcard is one of the greats since each block letter shows you each unique feature and destination you can see like the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, Yosemite, the Redwood Forest, Death Valley, the freeways, beaches, orange groves, and more. And it even has the California state house in the corner like that is even necessary. As you might’ve seen before in my previous postcard posts, you might find a lot of them from back in the day. However, though I can show you all the wonderful postcards out there, you might find them incredibly uninteresting. So I’m going to stick with those you might find incredibly ridiculous because I like to play with people’s sense nostalgia. After all, most of these are from the 1950s-1970s anyway. Now for your reading pleasure, enjoy yet another selection of these vintage postcards.

 

  1. We begin with a couple ladies enjoying a thrilling ride down the escalator.
Yes, it's so fun to go down the escalator at the mall. This is especially for the Ooomah Loompah's beautiful daughter. Or Donald Trump's mother, but I don't wish to offend the woman in yellow.

Yes, it’s so fun to go down the escalator at the mall. This is especially for the Ooomah Loompah’s beautiful daughter. Or Donald Trump’s mother, but I don’t wish to offend the woman in yellow.

2. Explore the picturesque view of Bass River State Park, New Jersey.

Either this woman is trying to cover up a major wardrobe malfunction or she's not wearing a bra. Because the way she has her hand on her chest makes me feel quite suspicious.

Either this woman is trying to cover up a major wardrobe malfunction or she’s not wearing a bra. Because the way she has her hand on her chest makes me feel quite suspicious.

3. “And this dress comes with two matching hats.”

I know the print is very atrocious and would better as window drapery. Then again, I apologize to any of my window viewers reading this.

I know the print is very atrocious and would better as window drapery. Then again, I apologize to any of my window viewers reading this.

4. For efficient liquid handling, try Hannay Hose Reels.

Yes, these hose reels are for your garden hose. I know they're industrial looking but that was what they were like at the time.

Yes, these hose reels are for your garden hose. I know they’re industrial looking but that was what they were like at the time.

5. This old man just loves to frolick with his black eyed susans.

I don't know about you. But there's something very unsettling about this old guy. I just don't know what.

I don’t know about you. But there’s something very unsettling about this old guy. I just don’t know what.

6. At Colonial Williamsburg, feel free to put one of our reenactors into the stockade.

However, if you want to harass and throw some rotten produce at her, then you're shit out of luck. But you can still get your picture taken.

However, if you want to harass and throw some rotten produce at her, then you’re shit out of luck. But you can still get your picture taken.

7. Welcome to Oklahoma City from their local Veterettes.

Only in Oklahoma City where you can find a local VFW having its own majorette squad. Bad Postcards adds, "Name changed after its first year as the Veterans of Foreign Warsettes."

Only in Oklahoma City where you can find a local VFW having its own majorette squad. Bad Postcards adds, “Name changed after its first year as the Veterans of Foreign Warsettes.”

8. Hope you enjoy Lolly the Magic Clown making balloon animals.

However, when he's asking for a volunteer, feel free to not raise your hand. Because those who do are never seen again. And those who volunteered to be sawed in half usually meet a grisly end onstage.

However, when he’s asking for a volunteer, feel free to not raise your hand. Because those who do are never seen again. And those who volunteered to be sawed in half usually meet a grisly end onstage.

9. Desmond “the Daffy Diplomat” always knows where the fun is.

Tragically for some people, it involves making volunteers' money magically disappear from their bank accounts. Also what's with the dice on his fingers?

Tragically for some people, it involves making volunteers’ money magically disappear from their bank accounts. Also what’s with the dice on his fingers?

10. More mail for Santa Claus in North Pole, New York.

Due to melting Arctic ice caps caused by climate change, Santa Clause was forced to relocate his operations to a more stable location. He tried to move to Siberia but the Soviets thought he was too much of a capitalist icon. So he settled for upstate New York.

Due to melting Arctic ice caps caused by climate change, Santa Clause was forced to relocate his operations to a more stable location. He tried to move to Siberia but the Soviets thought he was too much of a capitalist icon. So he settled for upstate New York.

11. Lake of the Woods, Minnesota is proud to present to you Willie Walleye.

The area's historical society has a whole page dedicated to this guy as well as plenty of tall tales. So he's sort of like the Paul Bunyan of fish?

The area’s historical society has a whole page dedicated to this guy as well as plenty of tall tales. So he’s sort of like the Paul Bunyan of fish?

12. As we all know, good fences make good neighbors.

However, when it comes to neighborhood fencing, I would prefer something more inviting. Like a wooden picket fence. Because metal ones are more suitable for public places.

However, when it comes to neighborhood fencing, I would prefer something more inviting. Like a wooden picket fence. Because metal ones are more suitable for public places.

13. “Performing in the Last Chance Saloon 3 times daily” are Miss Kitty and her Can-Can dancers.

Sorry, but to me, that just looks like a poorly executed version of Moulin Rouge. Also, fringe underwear? That's stripper wear.

Sorry, but to me, that just looks like a poorly executed version of Moulin Rouge. Also, fringe underwear? That’s stripper wear.

14. Always dress your best during deer hunting season, ladies.

I guess the orange and camo dress code didn't exist at the time. Still, how exactly do you shoot a deer with fur mittens? I don't get it.

I guess the orange and camo dress code didn’t exist at the time. Still, how exactly do you shoot a deer with fur mittens? I don’t get it.

15. I guess this restaurant owner is like, “I use antlers in all of my decorating.”

Okay, I know it's not entirely decorated with antlers, but I couldn't resist that. Nevertheless, I'm sure this restaurant isn't recommended for Mount Lebanon residents.

Breakfast specials include the 4 dozen eggs every morning to help kids get large. The adult version is 5 dozen eggs that will make you roughly the size of a barge. Nevertheless, I’m sure this restaurant isn’t recommended for Mount Lebanon residents.

16. Here we come to what seems to be in an undisclosed location.

Because it really seems like this might be a blood facility with the red liquid and people in scrubs. And it kind of creeps me out.

Because it really seems like this might be a blood facility with the red liquid and people in scrubs. And it kind of creeps me out.

17. From St. Louis, you might remember the Jakovac Tamburica.

From Bad Postcards: "If, by some bizarre turn of events, I become a designer of sex toys, I have the name for my first product." Also, those outfits really don't make their case any better.

From Bad Postcards: “If, by some bizarre turn of events, I become a designer of sex toys, I have the name for my first product.” Yeah, when your band goes by the name Jakovac Tamburica, you might want to reconsider.

18. Welcome to Wildwoods by the Sea, New Jersey, home of the Hellhole.

Of course, some people might think hellhole applies to New Jersey in general. But this one has demonic statue to greet you.

Of course, some people might think hellhole applies to New Jersey in general. But this one has demonic statue to greet you.

19. Come to Wisconsin, home of the world’s largest cheese.

Now that is a hell of a lot of cheese. You have to think of the cows whose milk went to its production.

Now that is a hell of a lot of cheese. You have to think of the cows whose milk went to its production.

20. Of course it’s not every day you find a flying jackalope.

So there's more than one kind of jackalope? Had no idea. Still, this consists of a rabbit, small antlers, and pheasant wing and tail.

So there’s more than one kind of jackalope? Had no idea. Still, this consists of a rabbit, small antlers, and pheasant wing and tail.

21. Come to Rogue River, Oregon, home of the National Rooster Crowing Contest.

Marked by an enormous rooster statue. Has a plumage of green and gold unlike most roosters. Perhaps it symbolizes Rogue River's profits.

Marked by an enormous rooster statue. Has a plumage of green and gold unlike most roosters. Perhaps it symbolizes Rogue River’s profits.

22. In Bemidji, Minnesota, stop by at Morrell’s Chippewa Trading Post.

Sorry, but that wolf looks so demented at the moment that you can't take it seriously. Apparently this place isn't known for its taxidermy.

Sorry, but that wolf looks so demented at the moment that you can’t take it seriously. Apparently this place isn’t known for its taxidermy.

23. Look super hip in Valerie’s “Young Look” belt.

From Bad Postcards: "Looks like she’s trying to put on her best model face while hiding the need to barf up all the bacon and pancakes and syrup being squeezed out of her gut." Also doesn't seem very enthusiastic about having her picture taken.

From Bad Postcards: “Looks like she’s trying to put on her best model face while hiding the need to barf up all the bacon and pancakes and syrup being squeezed out of her gut.” Also doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about having her picture taken.

24. “Uh, dude, can you uncoil me for a moment. You’re kind of suffocating me right now.”

Because strangling is how snakes kill large prey. Still, I have no idea why anyone would want to put that statue on a postcard. It's just crazy.

Because strangling is how snakes kill large prey. Still, I have no idea why anyone would want to put that statue on a postcard. It’s just crazy.

25. From Mansfield, Ohio is country music guitarist Tex Forman.

From Bad Postcards: "Tex, if you’d like to break into a larger market, start by emblazoning your name on your instrument with something other than electrical tape." Yeah, that kind of looks very cheap.

From Bad Postcards: “Tex, if you’d like to break into a larger market, start by emblazoning your name on your instrument with something other than electrical tape.” Yeah, that kind of looks very cheap.

26. “Okay, Snowflake, what is it this time?”

Didn't know Santa even had a white reindeer. Why didn't they even tell us about this?

Didn’t know Santa even had a white reindeer. Why didn’t they even tell us about this?

27. “A portrait grows in value to you.”

Maybe, but that doesn't stop this girl seeming quite creepy. Maybe this was taken when they were searching for actresses for Rhoda in The Bad Seed.

Maybe, but that doesn’t stop this girl seeming quite creepy. Maybe this was taken when they were searching for actresses for Rhoda in The Bad Seed.

28. “What’s that your pointing to, Lucifer?”

Because that's impression I get when I see this. Still, Satan seems like he's some sort of crazy guy you might watch on Game of Thrones.

Because that’s impression I get when I see this. Still, Satan seems like he’s some sort of crazy guy you might watch on Game of Thrones.

29. In Spokane, Washington, feel free to look at the world’s largest bear.

Uh, couldn't he just take a picture of it and hang it somewhere? Seriously, why he kill it as a trophy? Something tells me he might be compensating for something.

Uh, couldn’t he just take a picture of it and hang it somewhere? Seriously, why he kill it as a trophy? Something tells me he might be compensating for something.

30. Linville Caverns always contain beautiful stalagmite formations.

There's nothing like going into a cave dressed in your trench and pearls. Or as I call it, something you shouldn't wear in a cave.

There’s nothing like going into a cave dressed in your trench and pearls. Or as I call it, something you shouldn’t wear in a cave.

31. It’s always pleasant to have a portrait made at Hess Brothers.

However, this kid might not share that opinion. Because he doesn't really seem to be smiling.

However, this kid might not share that opinion. Because he doesn’t really seem to be smiling. More like wanting to get out of there.

32. Nothing makes a romantic evening like listening to Enzo Stuarti.

From Bad Postcards: "The guys at the table seem more enamored of Enzo than the women. Where’s the band?" When you think about it, it seems about right.

From Bad Postcards: “The guys at the table seem more enamored of Enzo than the women. Where’s the band?” When you think about it, it seems about right.

33. Welcome to Ole’s Big Game Lounge in Paxton, Nebraska.

Guess Ole seems quite proud that he shot all these African animals before they were on the Endangered Species list. Still, the taxidermy is kind of unnerving.

Guess Ole seems quite proud that he shot all these African animals before they were on the Endangered Species list. Still, the taxidermy is kind of unnerving.

34. Here we have a recreation of John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin working on the Declaration of Independence.

For some reason Benjamin Franklin wasn't feeling so well today. But knowing that such task was so important for the country, he showed up to Independence Hall anyway.

For some reason Benjamin Franklin wasn’t feeling so well today. But knowing that such task was so important for the country, he showed up to Independence Hall anyway.

35. “Okay, guys, shall we proceed with the battering ram exercises?”

Actually this is a bunch of marines at Parris Island doing a log lifting exercise. And all in unflattering fitness attire.

Actually this is a bunch of marines at Parris Island doing a log lifting exercise. And all in unflattering fitness attire.

36. “We will be glad to pick you up for Sunday School next Sunday.”

Mr. Harris would be happy to drive Timmy there in his windowless van. Oh, God, I'm horrible.

Mr. Harris would be happy to drive Timmy there in his windowless van. Oh, God, I’m horrible.

37. “I always want to look my best whenever I go to the farmer’s market.”

Because the farmer's market is the place where women dress up in furs, gloves, and fine jewelry. Don't forget to top it off with a tiara.

Because the farmer’s market is the place where women dress up in furs, gloves, and fine jewelry. Don’t forget to top it off with a tiara.

38. All hail to the almighty beach ball of Calamari.

Another marine training session at Parris Island, South Carolina. You have to admit that these guys aren't afraid to look utterly ridiculous.

Another marine training session at Parris Island, South Carolina. You have to admit that these guys aren’t afraid to look utterly ridiculous.

39. Welcome to the bank of the future.

That's a bank? I kind of liken it to if Emperor Palpatine's vacation home was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

That’s a bank? I kind of liken it to if Emperor Palpatine’s vacation home was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

40. Greetings from the North Pole from Santa Claus.

For some reason, I think having this postcard from some place in upstate New York instead of the North Pole might lead to childhood disillusionment. Mostly because a lot of kids don't imagine Santa living in upstate New York.

For some reason, I think having this postcard from some place in upstate New York instead of the North Pole might lead to childhood disillusionment. Mostly because a lot of kids don’t imagine Santa living in some town in upstate New York.

41. “Missed me, guys?”

Yes, I've put a lot of bad wax Jesus in these vintage postcard posts. However, this one stands out because he seems to have a goatee.

Yes, I’ve put a lot of bad wax Jesus in these vintage postcard posts. However, this one stands out because he doesn’t seem to have the kind of arm stretching emotion that comes with resurrection.

42. Today Smokey the Bear and Flippy the Fire Porpoise will discuss fire safety.

Of course, putting out a fire is easier if its surrounded by water. And you a dolphin extinguish it.

Of course, putting out a fire is easier if its surrounded by water. And you a dolphin extinguish it. Where’s the educational value in that?

43. Here a Sioux Native American plays his drum at Mt. Rushmore.

While Mt. Rushmore is referred to in this postcard as, "Shrine of Democracy," most Native Americans see it as a "shrine to white people kicking us out, taking over our land, and desecrating our sacred sites." Bet you never heard that before.

While Mt. Rushmore is referred to in this postcard as, “Shrine of Democracy,” most Native Americans see it as a “shrine to white people kicking us out, taking over our land, and desecrating our sacred sites.” Bet you never heard that before.

44. Here we come to a woman standing on a wall.

I doubt that she's managed to defy gravity. However, her checkered pants seem to defy fashion.

I doubt that she’s managed to defy gravity. However, her checkered pants seem to defy fashion.

45. For a Badlands visit, check out Toadstool Forest in South Dakota.

Though the name is Toadstool Forest, it's not a forest nor does anything there resemble a toadstool. Yet, that one rock does resemble a giant rabbit.

Though the name is Toadstool Forest, it’s not a forest nor does anything there resemble a toadstool. Yet, that one rock does resemble a giant rabbit.

46. Along Wyoming’s Lincoln Highway, you’ll find a high statue of the Great Emancipator.

Now I wonder why they decided to go with Lincoln's head instead of the rest of him. I don't understand it. Bad Postcards said it, "Makes him look like a psychopath."

Now I wonder why they decided to go with Lincoln’s head instead of the rest of him. I don’t understand it. Bad Postcards said it, “Makes him look like a psychopath.”

47. Jesus Christ is always with you, even when you’re scuba diving in Florida.

Guess you can say that Jesus is literally swimming with the fishes here. Though he seems to have his arms outstretched more than anything.

Guess you can say that Jesus is literally with the fishes here. Though he seems to have his arms outstretched more than anything.

48. Never thought I’d come across a roadside dinosaur before.

This is from South Dakota by the way. I know it's not as cool as you'd see in Jurassic Park. Still, some states seem to have a thing for large animal statues.

This is from South Dakota by the way. I know it’s not as cool as you’d see in Jurassic Park. Still, some states seem to have a thing for large animal statues.

49. Paul Bunyan and Robin Hood are together at the Enchanted Forest.

And here's Robin Hood complaining about Paul Bunyan's stiffness and bad fashion sense. The two do not get on.

And here’s Robin Hood complaining about Paul Bunyan’s stiffness and bad fashion sense. The two do not get on.

50. Take a picturesque view of Silver Bridge which collapsed into the Ohio River.

Caption: "WORST U.S. HIGHWAY BRIDGE DISASTER IN HISTORY — Occurred Dec. 15, 1967 when Silver Bridge collapsed. It carried U.S. 35 from Knauga, Ohio to Point Pleasant, W. Va. Built 1928 of unique eye-bar and rocker tower design. Forty-six bodies have been found and two still missing. Railroad bridge in background is still in use." Really? This is just in really bad taste.

Caption: “WORST U.S. HIGHWAY BRIDGE DISASTER IN HISTORY — Occurred Dec. 15, 1967 when Silver Bridge collapsed. It carried U.S. 35 from Knauga, Ohio to Point Pleasant, W. Va. Built 1928 of unique eye-bar and rocker tower design. Forty-six bodies have been found and two still missing. Railroad bridge in background is still in use.” Really? This is just in really bad taste.

51. You may have seen St. Louis’s Gateway Arch, but have you been inside it?

Caption: “A roomy observation platform at the top of the Gateway Arch offers 32 windows for viewing a thirty mile panorama of Missouri and Illinois.” However, why they decided to take the rear view of the tourists, I have no idea.

Caption: “A roomy observation platform at the top of the Gateway Arch offers 32 windows for viewing a thirty mile panorama of Missouri and Illinois.” However, why they decided to take the rear view of the tourists, I have no idea.

52. Come over to New England and visit the great state of Massachusetts.

Sorry, but that does not look like Massachusetts. That's shaped like North Dakota with a hook.

Sorry, but that does not look like Massachusetts. That’s shaped like North Dakota with a hook.

53. For your 4th of July celebration, Pedro’s Nutte House has the fireworks you’ll need.

Just don't shoot fireworks on his turf. Also, I think they need to take the, "t" and "e" out of "nutte."

Just don’t shoot fireworks on his turf. Also, I think they need to take the, “t” and “e” out of “nutte.” Not to mention, the sombrero does not help at all.

54. Stay awhile at the Mt. Sunapee Motel in New Hampshire.

Yeah, there's a place called Sunapee. I know it stirs giggles. Also, note the bikini clad woman who just got out of a pool.

Yeah, there’s a place called Sunapee. I know it stirs giggles. Also, note the bikini clad woman who just got out of a pool.

55. Spain’s Juan Ponce de Leon was in search for the Fountain of Youth while he discovered Florida in 1513.

Sure this is a rather tacky and historically inaccurate statue of Ponce de Leon with a swimsuit model. But for Florida, this is just so ironically appropriate.

Sure this is a rather tacky and historically inaccurate statue of Ponce de Leon with a swimsuit model. But for Florida, this is just so ironically appropriate.

56. Big Brother Bob Emery wants kids to drink 4 glasses of United Farmers milk every day.

Now this just has to be one of the creepiest milk ads I've seen. So, kids, drink your milk because Big Brother is watching you.

Now this just has to be one of the creepiest milk ads I’ve seen. So, kids, drink your milk because Big Brother is watching you.

57. Had better dining before? How about try the Beacon Shack?

Sure it's a complete shithole and the food is lousy. But, c'mon, at least they're being honest.

Sure it’s a complete shithole and the food is lousy. But, c’mon, at least they’re being honest.

58. There’s nothing like having a carefree day on the beach.

Can't do a postcard post without a woman in a swimsuit like this one. Of course, why she brought a thin cloth to raise above her head, I have no idea.

Can’t do a postcard post without a woman in a swimsuit like this one. Of course, why she brought a thin cloth to raise above her head, I have no idea.

59. Here we come to a tri-state view of Nebraska, South Dakota, and Iowa.

I know you can't really tell the where each state is in this postcard. Well, neither can I. Perhaps a map might be handy.

I know you can’t really tell the where each state is in this postcard. Well, neither can I. Perhaps a map might be handy.

60. Greetings from Liberal, Kansas, pancake hub of the universe.

Well, at least these women aren't wearing bikinis. But what the hell does this scene have to do with pancakes?

Well, at least these women aren’t wearing bikinis. But what the hell does this scene have to do with pancakes?

61. Here we come to some sagebrush which is the state flower of Nevada.

Caption: "This beautiful scene of sagebrush with its colorful pink blossoms is a common sight in the southwest. It stretches as far as the eye can see and besides being beautiful, has practical purposes, as deer and other wildlife feed on it. Sagebrush blooms only after a heavy rain but will bloom in any season. It’s referred to as Cenizo by many Anglos as well as Latin Americans." When you read the caption, you're expecting to see something more spectacular than brown, desert foliage.

Caption: “This beautiful scene of sagebrush with its colorful pink blossoms is a common sight in the southwest. It stretches as far as the eye can see and besides being beautiful, has practical purposes, as deer and other wildlife feed on it. Sagebrush blooms only after a heavy rain but will bloom in any season. It’s referred to as Cenizo by many Anglos as well as Latin Americans.” When you read the caption, you’re expecting to see something more spectacular than brown, desert foliage.

62. Meet President Lyndon B. Johnson and his wife Ladybird at the White House.

Tumblr member from Bad Postcards: "While the female figure bears some resemblance to Lady Bird, the man hardly looks like LBJ at all. He looks almost more..." Uh, like a psychokiller.

Tumblr member from Bad Postcards: “While the female figure bears some resemblance to Lady Bird, the man hardly looks like LBJ at all. He looks almost more…” Uh, like a psychokiller.

63. Welcome to Cyanmid Laboratories, here are your escorts to show you around.

I think the correct term is "tour guide" escort is another term for prostitute. Also, these outfits are hideous.

I think the correct term is “tour guide” escort is another term for prostitute. Also, these outfits are hideous.

64. There’s nothing better than watering your plants with a blowtorch.

Okay, it's a mister with a jetpack for watering plants. Still, the card say this mist blower gives deep penetration and steady output.

Okay, it’s a mister with a jetpack for watering plants. Still, the card say this mist blower gives deep penetration and steady output.

65. Pennsylvania welcomes you to Gifford Pinchot State Park.

And it seems that this place is starving for tourists since it has swimsuit clad women at the sign. Guess there's nothing to see there.

And it seems that this place is starving for tourists since it has swimsuit clad women at the sign. Guess there’s nothing exciting to see there unless you’re a nature lover.

66. How about spend a day at Pennsylvania’s Monroeville shopping center?

Known for its vast picturesque parking space. Just look at all the untamed streetlights and asphalt.

Known for its vast picturesque parking space. Just look at all the untamed streetlight, concrete, and asphalt.

67. Greetings from Kansas, home of a very long building.

Really Kansas? Surely your state must have something more interesting than an over 1/2 mile long building.

Really Kansas? Surely your state must have something more interesting than an over 1/2 mile long building.

68. Here we see a black bear in its natural habitat in New York’s Central Adirondacks.

So let me get this straight, the Central Adirondacks' idea of promoting tourism is a postcard of a dumpster diving bear. As Bad Postcards says, "We’re on vacation! Let’s go to the dump!"

So let me get this straight, the Central Adirondacks’ idea of promoting tourism is a postcard of a dumpster diving bear. As Bad Postcards says, “We’re on vacation! Let’s go to the dump!”

69. The Sterling Hotel at Greenwood Lake, New York presents the All Girl Topless Band.

I'm sure their performances were not suited for a PG-13 audience. Makes you wonder what kind of place the Sterling Hotel is.

I’m sure their performances were not suited for a PG-13 audience. Makes you wonder what kind of place the Sterling Hotel is. I know I don’t always show nudity but I can’t pass this one up. Best known for their fanservice.

70. Howdy from Nebraska where we herd cattle on our giant jackrabbits.

One of the reasons why cowboys ride on jackrabbits in Nebraska was because the state was once the sight of a large Native American nuclear power plant which suffered a major meltdown. That's why the rabbits are so huge out there.

One of the reasons why cowboys ride on jackrabbits in Nebraska was because the state was once the sight of a large Native American nuclear power plant which suffered a major meltdown. That’s why the rabbits are so huge out there.

What Americans Get Wrong About Undocumented Immigration

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There are very few people in the United States who have been so unfairly exploited, marginalized, vilified, and scapegoated in political smear campaigns than the undocumented immigrants. These are people who have entered the country and reside there without any legal authorization. As of 2016, there are 11.3 million undocumented immigrants living among us throughout the nation. Many of them live in poverty and are vulnerable to exploitation as well as live in fear of their status being discovered, detained, and deported. Some of them came to the US as children and to them America is the only country they know. Many are parents of children who are US citizens and run a high risk of their families being torn apart. These are people whose lives are in limbo but all are human beings who deserve to be treated with dignity as well as contribute to this country. But they suffer immensely for their undocumented immigration status, are denied rights and services most Americans enjoy, have no path to legalization and citizenship, and live every day in isolated fear that the life they’ve built for themselves and families could fall apart. A key centerpiece of Donald Trump’s campaign includes a promise to build an immense wall at the Mexican border and mass deportations. He’s also called Mexicans rapists and criminals which have alienated most Hispanic voters. The fact most undocumented immigrants are Hispanic (with the vast majority being Mexican), such remarks reflect the racism and xenophobia that reflect the anti-immigration movement today. Many also believe that these people have broken the law and should be punished accordingly and deported. But the fact is our immigration system is so outdated and broken that undocumented immigrants usually enter the country illegally because no practical legal immigration channels exist for them. These people are victims of injustice since many of them have built their lives in this country, not criminals which they don’t see themselves. Here I list what Americans get wrong about undocumented immigration, why current undocumented immigration policy is unjust and dehumanizing, and why this nation most desperately needs comprehensive immigration reform that gives undocumented immigrants a path to legalization and citizenship. Sure I might get flack from people in the comments section for my views on undocumented immigration aren’t popular. But undocumented immigrants are human beings.

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Of course, early American colonists didn’t ask permission from those who already lived there to enter into the country. But nobody seems to talk about that. Could it be that the residents were Native Americans and the colonists were white?

  1. Undocumented immigration is a new problem.

Did the original colonists ask the Indians permission to settle their lands? I don’t think so. At any rate, it didn’t end well. Besides, in US history after the colonial era, undocumented immigration was most prevalent during the Gilded Age. Today 3.5% the US population are undocumented immigrants which is equivalent to how many Americans own a boat. Nevertheless, undocumented immigration is more of a problem pertaining to a system, not the individuals.

  1. My ancestors didn’t come here illegally.

Are you sure about that? If you’re of Asian descent and your Asian ancestors came to this country between 1880 and the 1940s, then there’s a very strong chance they came to the US illegally. Mostly because US immigration policy at the time either excluded Asians from entering (save under certain circumstances) or had very small quotas on arrivals from Asian countries. Chinese immigrants used a variety of techniques to enter the country such as changing their names or showing pictures to officials of fake relatives already living there. And even if Asian immigrants managed to enter the country legally, they were still banned from becoming citizens. Basically, the only way for an Asian to have American citizenship at the time was being born there. Also, being European descent doesn’t mean your ancestors came to this country legally either. Because there were plenty who arrived to the US as ship stowaways, used false papers like citizenship documents, hid previous criminal behavior, bribed officials and captains, forged medical records, traveled as first class passengers who were only given cursory examinations.Oh, and there were plenty of Mexicans and other folks from Latin America crossing the border. Besides, it’s very clear that restrictive immigration policies in the US were often used to keep racial and ethnic minorities from entering.

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Here is a chart on immigrants from the Pew Hispanic Center in 2005. Note that over half of them are either legal permanent residents or naturalized citizens.

  1. Most immigrants today are undocumented.

75% of all immigrants in the US are legal. Out of the 25% who are undocumented, 40% of them entered legally but overstayed their temporary (non-immigrant) visas without renewal.

  1. Most undocumented immigrants are border crossers.

Nearly a third to a half of all undocumented immigrants in the United States today have entered legally but overstayed their visas or failed to renew their green cards. Also, a lot of undocumented immigrants also came to this country by plane or boat.

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There’s a group at the US-Mexican border called the Minutmen Militia who are a group off self-appointed and heavily armed border patrollers who are known to threaten and shoot anyone they suspect as an undocumented immigrant trying to get across. Though their numbers have been declining since their heyday in the mid-2000s, they are nativist extremists who deserve to be in prison.

  1. More US border enforcement will deter undocumented immigration.

More incentives to make it easier for immigrants to renew their visas or pursue paths to permanent residents or citizenship will be more effective. Besides, the border between the US and Mexico is almost 2,000 miles long, spanning difficult terrain that includes deserts and mountains. Add to that much of the area is private property which the government will have to buy from owners if you want to build a wall there. Many don’t want to sell their land. Also, the logistics alone in building Mr. Cheetohead’s wall are either very difficult, if not impossible. Not only that, but history has shown that people find ways to cross walls. The Great Wall of China didn’t deter Mongol invaders nor did the Berlin Wall keep East Germans from fleeing the Eastern Bloc. In the US, should Mr. Angry-Oompah Loompah’s wall be built, experts predict coyotes (human smugglers who charge migrants high rates to cross the border) to dig tunnels and create breaches. This would increase smuggling prices, making such process simply more lucrative for those who merely exploit migrants. And even if that didn’t happen, people will still come to the US wanting to seek better life. Hell, many undocumented immigrants are willing to risk their lives for that, let alone breaking the law and deportation. No wall can deter that.

  1. Undocumented immigrants don’t want to learn English.

Most immigrants usually learn English within 10 years after arrival and there is a great ESL demand for them that far exceed the supply. Many immigrants also learn some English while on the job, whether they arrived to the country legally or not. But while undocumented children usually learn English in school, most undocumented adults simply don’t have the resources.

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Here’s a chart showing the how the rate of naturalizations per year is often outnumbered by the number of petitions for citizenship filed. And this chart pertains to the legal immigrants who can become citizens. As for undocumented immigrants, most of them do want to become citizens since the majority have lived in this country for 10-15 years. It’s just they can’t.

  1. Undocumented immigrants don’t want to become American citizens.

There are plenty of immigrants who become citizens in which they have to overcome obstacles like getting here, finding a job, language barriers, naturalization fees, a lethargic immigration bureaucracy, and a written citizenship test. These people don’t take becoming American lightly. Currently, 47% of immigrants are naturalized citizens. And let’s just say attaining citizenship isn’t easy since the naturalization process involves untenable wait times, often too few spots, and requiring expensive filing fees. In other words, the US immigration system is an outdated, expensive, and convoluted one which doesn’t help the immigrants seeking citizenship as the proportion has grown significantly. And that’s only for those lucky legal residents. Besides, there are plenty undocumented immigrants who have resided in this country for years, some nearly their whole lives. 86% of undocumented immigrants have been in the country since 2005 (while a third have lived there for 15+ years). Nearly half of them are parents of minor children while 2 million came to the country as children. So if these people aren’t citizens it’s not a matter of wanting to because most of them clearly want to stay in the country. It’s just that their immigration status doesn’t allow them. Because it’s very likely that most of these people would’ve taken advantage of that opportunity by now.

  1. Undocumented immigrants are a drain on our economy.

Most undocumented immigrants who enter the country are of prime working age and they work pretty shitty jobs. Not to mention, the only impact undocumented immigrants have on wages would be in firms that hire them as well as their documented counterparts (as well as the unscrupulous employers who hire them). There are some undocumented immigrants who even start businesses and create jobs that wouldn’t exist without them. We also forget the fact that undocumented immigrants are consumers who buy stuff in American stores that also contributes to the economy.

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This billboard from Arizona tends to also spread a lot of misinformation about undocumented immigrants. Contrary to this, most undocumented immigrants pay taxes and are ineligible for most government programs. Whoever erected this Arizona billboard is a complete tool.

  1. Undocumented immigrants don’t pay taxes but still get benefits such as education for their children.

Yes, there are undocumented immigrant children who do attend public schools as well as US citizen children with undocumented parents. However, undocumented immigrants do spend money in this country and most states have sales taxes. Also, many have property taxes as well whenever they rent or buy a house or apartment. And since many might need transportation for a job, many pay excise taxes when they stop for gas. In fact, the Social Security estimates that half to 3 quarters of undocumented immigrants pay federal, state, and local taxes, a lot of which go to benefits they’ll never receive. Besides, most undocumented immigrants work for employers who either don’t know they’re undocumented or don’t want to know. For instance, employers in 2009, reported paying $72.8 billion in wages to 7 million workers without legitimate Social Security numbers. Undocumented immigrants can send their children to school or receive medical care in the ER as well as public health immunizations. But since they lack essential documents, they aren’t eligible for welfare, Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, public housing, or food stamps. And many don’t even seek them even if their children are eligible (because you know, fear of deportation). So it’s very unlikely that they’re receiving benefits at the taxpayers’ expense (though people might have to pay for their care in the ER through their insurance since they’re a lot more likely to be uninsured and ineligible for government medical benefits. Even so, they use disproportionately less medical services and contribute less to healthcare costs). Hell, there are some programs not even lawful immigrants are eligible for until they’ve been in the country for at least 5 years. Thus, it’s more likely, that undocumented immigrants pay more in taxes than they receive in benefits which many can’t even access like $80,000 more. Hell, it’s even estimated that giving all these undocumented immigrants a clear path to citizenship, tax revenues could increase by $845 million a year once fully in place just at state and local levels. Give them higher wages and ability to file income taxes like the rest of us and their net tax contribution can go up to $2.2 billion in addition to the $11 billion they already pay.

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And here’s a graph on how much undocumented immigrants pay in state and local taxes. these include income, property, sales, and excise. Many of these will go to programs that will never benefit them. So even though undocumented immigrants aren’t living here legally, they’re not living here for free.

  1. Most undocumented immigrants are Latino.

This might be true when it comes to those crossing the border into Texas. However, there are plenty of immigrants who aren’t out of those who’ve overstayed their visas.And they come from all over the world, particularly Asia. Besides, Asian undocumented immigrants are on the rise.

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For a time there was a movement among Republicans for getting rid of birthright citizenship as well as the insidious notion of “anchor babies,” which has no basis in reality. Because it’s been well known that just because undocumented immigrants have US citizen children, doesn’t mean they’re less likely to be deported. Because 5,100 American children are in foster care because their parents were either deported or at some immigration detention center. Deportation tears families apart.

  1. “Anchor babies” keep their parents in the United States.

Today nearly 5 million undocumented immigrants are in families with minor children. Only 1 million of these minor children in undocumented families are undocumented themselves while 4.5. million of them are native born US citizen. This comprises of 9 million people living in mixed status families, often with one undocumented parent and at least one child born in the US. However, there have been 108,000 parents of US born citizens who were deported over the last decade. Thus, being a parent of a native born citizen doesn’t guarantee them any right to stay in the US. Besides, in order for the “anchor baby” scheme to work, the child in question must turn 21 before they can sponsor a parent for legal entry in the US using form I-130. So this would mean that undocumented immigrants would have to stay for 21 years before their “anchor baby” could keep them in the country. This assuming that they return to their home country and not personally raise their child for 10 years. And unlawful entry usually result in deportation as well as 3-10 year bars to eventually a permanent bar. So it’s not a practical solution. Most undocumented immigrants tend to be deported earlier whether their kids are American citizens or not. The fact undocumented parents of US citizens can still be deported for their immigration status is a very serious problem (if not, then outright cruel since it tears families apart). Nevertheless, despite what Mr. Hamsterhair and fellow Republicans might say, I would never advocate that the US do away with birthright citizenship because it’s a wonderful thing (as well as the rest of the Fourteenth Amendment I might add). So, yes, I do think having a child who’s a US citizen should allow their undocumented immigrant parents to stay because keeping families together is the right thing to do. It’s especially the case for infant children and their mothers or children with single parents. Unfortunately, “anchor babies” don’t prevent deportation much.

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Though Republicans like to think that undocumented immigrants come to the US to have “anchor babies,” most of them come to this country for the same reasons as their legal counterparts. In this graph on undocumented Latinos, the two biggest reasons are for better jobs and opportunities and better life for family and children.

  1. Most undocumented immigrants come to this country to have “anchor babies.”

While birthright citizenship is a wonderful thing, having an American child has no effect on a foreign parent’s immigration status whether undocumented or not. Research consistently shows that immigrants mostly come to the US for economic opportunity, build a better life for their families and kids, as well as flee violence, persecution, or poverty. Immigration trends tend to be consistent with US economic activity. Besides, if people were coming to the US to solely have children, we’d expect to see the same number of women as men. But research has shown that there are many more young men coming to the US than young women. Then there’s the fact that undocumented immigrants do not personally receive any legal benefits whatsoever for having children on American soil. In fact, they’re just as prone to deportation as any undocumented immigrants who don’t. Need proof? Ask the 5,100 American children currently in foster care because their undocumented parents had no access to adjust to a legal immigration status so they could stay in the country as well as were unlucky enough for law enforcement to find out about it. Thus, they’ve either been detained or deported.

  1. Undocumented immigrants are criminals because they didn’t enter the country through the proper legal channels.

Under federal law, undocumented immigrants aren’t considered criminals because undocumented immigration is a civil offense and tried in civil courts. The punishment is usually deportation and ban on reentry. Criminals violate serious laws and are tried in criminal courts, which usually results in imprisonment. Besides, most undocumented immigrants tend to have very legitimate reasons for not entering the country through proper legal channels. Mostly because they were simply not available to them in the first place (because the US only distributes 5,000 visas to low-skill workers each year and there’s a 4.4 million people line for that green card lottery, many who’ve waited for years or even decades). And that obtaining legal status or citizenship is impossible for them. Add to that the fear that many fear deportation as well as what would happen to their US citizen children if they’re not around. If an undocumented immigrant chose to enter the country illegally, it was mainly because illegal entry was their only viable option while the legal alternatives simply didn’t exist.

  1. There are more undocumented immigrants in the US than ever before.

There were more undocumented immigrants in the US during the Gilded Age mainly due to a large foreign born population as well as racist immigration quotas that severely restricted certain groups from entering, particularly East Asians.

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Those who are against immigration reform, often say that undocumented immigrants bring crime or are criminals. Studies have shown that immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than their native born children and other citizens, regardless of legal status. Because the realistic possibility of getting deported or obtaining citizenship brings a very high incentive to obey the law.

  1. Undocumented immigrants bring crime.

They are more likely to become victims of crimes that never get prosecuted since their undocumented status makes them especially vulnerable. After all, they’re 70% less likely to call police to report themselves as victims because they’re unwilling to risk deportation. And they’re right to fear that since 240,000 undocumented immigrants with zero prior convictions have been deported under the Obama administration compared to 200,000 who did. Still, most crime statistics over the last 70 years would point out that immigrants have lower incarceration rates than native born Americans even for the most minor offenses. Legal immigrants know that even committing the most minor offenses might can count against them when they’re going through the naturalization process. The criminality rate among immigrant families increases with each generation born in the US. So instead of bringing criminality to this country, they tend to grow into it as they become more American. Not to mention, it says a lot that 3 out of 4 people caught bringing drugs across the border are US citizens. As immigration has risen, crime rates have declined even in the poorest neighborhoods. Undocumented immigrants are usually sent through the deportation process if they’re arrested. Thus, they have a very high incentive not to break the law.

  1. Undocumented immigrants take good jobs away from Americans.

Most undocumented immigrants usually take jobs Americans don’t want like in the low-income service industry. This thanks to better education and an aging population that most native-born Americans prefer to take jobs in management, professional, sales, and office occupations. And many undocumented immigrants take certain service and menial labor jobs because they don’t have the skills or education or there are no better jobs available (I’m talking general trends but some do become managers). Nevertheless, undocumented immigrants are very prone to exploitation by unscrupulous employers and are more likely to be paid below minimum wage. They’re also prone to occupational hazards and less likely to receive benefits. Also take account they are much more likely to have their wages stolen by their employers. Still, undocumented immigrants don’t compete for the same jobs as native born Americans even in the low-income sector (like service occupations where you’ll have to be present for the customers like at a restaurant or a store). It’s also often said native born and undocumented workers tend to possess different skills that complement one another. Some may even start businesses and even create jobs that wouldn’t exist without them. We should also be aware that undocumented immigrants buy stuff in this country as consumers which also creates jobs. Besides, there are no negative effects of immigration on most native workers’ wages anyway (because negative effects on wages have more to do with greedy employers than anything).

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Too many people like this idiot protester tend to believe that undocumented immigrants could’ve simply entered the US legally. Unfortunately, unless they’re willing to wait decades for authorization or get extremely lucky with the 5,000 low-skill worker green card lottery, most poor immigrants don’t have any legal options. Also, no programs exist for undocumented immigrants to obtain a legal status, let alone citizenship. If there was, then they’d certainly take advantage of it.

  1. There’s a way to enter the country legally for anyone who wants to get in.

Most poor people who enter have few skills to stand in and gain permanent US residency. So there’s no “line” for them. This is because gaining permission to stay in the US is limited to people who are highly trained in a skill that is in short supply here and were offered a job by a US employer, escaping political persecution, joining close family already here, or got lucky in the green card lottery (that only has 5,000 slots for low skill workers). I’m sure “anchor babies” and green card marriages aren’t desirable strategies either. While the US had an open immigration system for its first 100 years, many citizens’ immigrant ancestors arrived between 1790 and 1924 wouldn’t even be allowed to enter in today under the current policy (or even under policy then but plenty got in, anyway like Asians who were mostly low-skilled workers as well). There are many rules about who can enter the country and stay legally. Also according to the State Department, that imaginary “immigration line” is already 4.4 million people long and depending on the type of visa sought, the wait can be for years to decades long. In some countries such as the Philippines and Mexico, people have been waiting for 20 years for approval of a family-sponsored visa (which usually takes about 5-6 years). In many poor, violence ridden countries, or where parents are separated from their children, immigrants say the wait is unbearable, leaving many to resort to illegal border crossings. The journey can be dangerous. Not to mention, the US currently has no program whatsoever for undocumented immigrants to adjust to a legal status, let alone citizenship. Most of these people want nothing more than play by the rules and legalize their status but most of them have no legal way to enter or remain in the US. This is wrong, especially when we’re talking about undocumented parents with American born children.

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To deport undocumented immigrants is not just impractical and economical, it’s also downright cruel. All that deportation will accomplish will be families torn apart, more American children in foster care and utterly traumatized, lost jobs, wasted tax money, and an overall humanitarian crisis.

  1. Undocumented immigrants can and should be deported from the United States.

If we got rid of all the undocumented immigrants in this country, it would be a real government and social nightmare. For one, there are approximately 11 million undocumented immigrants in the US and it would be impossible to locate and deport that many people. Then there’s the fact that they have an estimated 4.5 million children born on US soil whom the government would have to put in foster homes. Hell, at least 5,100 native born kids are in foster care now because their parents have been detained or deported. Deportation will often result in family separation which will pose serious risks to children’s immediate safety, economic security, well-being, and long-term development. Other effects include housing instability, food hardship, and adverse behavioral changes. That’s not talking about the citizen children being traumatized and vulnerable by the whole experience along with entire communities (who may also have undocumented immigrants and their US citizen children living there, too). Not to mention, it’s unlikely that native born Americans would want to do the lousy back-breaking agricultural work and other menial labor for minimum wage and no benefits that undocumented immigrants do which is said to be at 50 to 60%. Then there’s the fact mass deportation would lead to remove millions of taxpayers, consumers, and entrepreneurs as well as cost jobs in the economy.

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Here’s a cartoon of the Holy Family being besieged by ICE feds in the stable. Undocumented immigrant families fear deportation and family separation on a daily basis. The fact deportation rips families apart should illustrate why such a practice is morally inexcuseable.

  1. Denying undocumented immigrants from obtaining a drivers’ license will solve the problem.

Almost all American workers need to drive great distances to get to work, and undocumented workers are no exception, especially if they work on a farm. Some even drive for a living. Most US citizens would agree that everyone driving on the highways should complete a driver’s course to qualify for a driver’s license would be better for public safety. Thus, not worth it.

  1. Our undocumented immigration problems would be solved if employers were required to verify the Social Security Numbers for every employee.

It could but only as long as there’s a legalization program put in place at the same time which the US doesn’t have at the moment. Thus, such a policy would create chaos in multiple sectors of the US economy, especially in the agricultural industry complex. The tourist industry would suffer as well since many undocumented immigrants are employed in low skills jobs like dishwashers, janitors, chambermaids, and others.

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While comprehensive immigration reform may be a highly contentious issue that brings out a lot of racism, nativism, and xenaphobia, most Americans support it. According to pew 72% of Americans want undocumented immigrants to remain in the country with some legal status.

  1. Most Americans don’t support immigration reform.

Newsflash: most do, particularly when it comes to allowing undocumented immigrants to obtain legal status so long as they have a strong work history, don’t commit any crimes or get deported, pay taxes, learn some English, and pay fines. Because if an undocumented immigrant has lived in the US for at least 10-15 years, has a steady job, paid taxes, raised American children, observe the law, and minded their own business, then they should be able to remain in the country.

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Those who believe that immigration restrictions will lead to a secure society have no idea of how law enforcement depends on its relationship with the community. And most police don’t want undocumented immigrants to fear deportation. Besides, history has shown that restrictions don’t deter undocumented immigration. However, Metropolis’s safety is a toss up.

  1. Restrictions to undocumented immigration will lead to a secure society.

Enforcing laws make it difficult for undocumented immigrants to contact law enforcement which can have an adverse effect on overall security in society. If immigrants fear deportation, then they’re less likely to report on criminal activities, which can interfere with creating a safe community. This is why many local areas have sanctuary cities since protecting law-abiding undocumented immigrants from deportation does keep people safe. Not only that, but rigid limits on legal entry have already fueled undocumented immigration as we speak (such as East Asian immigrants during the Gilded Age).

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Green card marriage fraud is another allegation Republicans make when pertaining to undocumented immigrants. However, since the US government and Homeland Security have been familiar with green card marriages being one of the easiest ways for foreigners to remain in the country, this is not a viable option. By the way, this is from a movie called Green Card from the 1980s starring Gerard Depardieu and Andie McDowell.

  1. Undocumented immigrants tend to gain citizenship through marriage fraud.

For one, there are a lot of undocumented immigrants who are already married and thus ineligible or unwilling to commit to an American citizen for a green card. Secondly, the US has been quite successful in deterring this for quite some time which usually result in offenders being caught and convicted with heavy penalties like deportation. Homeland Security is a pro at detecting these so most undocumented immigrants won’t even try it. And even if an undocumented immigrant does have an American spouse, this may not mean they’re safe from deportation. Or not without a tedious process that could possibly take years (despite it being in an easier position to get a green card than most undocumented immigrants). Because a lot of undocumented immigrants with American spouses do face threats of deportation even if both partners are living together.

  1. Undocumented immigrants bring diseases into the US.

Well, this was certainly true in this country’s colonial period since we know what happened to the Native Americans. However, although people claimed that undocumented immigrants have brought diseases to the US including measles, hepatitis C, HIV, tuberculosis, and even ebola, these claims aren’t supported by science or medicine. There is no evidence that immigrants have been the source of modern outbreaks in the US since 113 countries, including many in Latin America have higher vaccination rates for 1 year olds. Mexico has a 99% vaccination rate for measles while Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras have around a 93% vaccination rate. US vaccination rate is about 92%.

  1. Terrorists are infiltrating the US by coming across the Mexican border.

There’s no evidence that terrorists are entering the US through the Mexican border. According to the Department of Homeland Security, “the suggestion that individuals that have ties to ISIL have been apprehended at the southwest border is categorically false, and not supported by any credible intelligence or facts on the ground.” In 2015, the US Department of State, Bureau of Counterterrorism added, “there are no known international terrorist organizations operating in Mexico, despite several erroneous reports to the contrary during 2014.” In fact, the vast majority of US residents linked to terror since 2002 are US citizens. Also, those 9/11 hijackers came to the US through legal means and not through crossing the Mexican border either.

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While there are undocumented immigrant children in American schools, they only make a small percentage of US schoolchildren. And they only constitute a minority of kids who are children of undocumented parents.

  1. US schools are overflowing with undocumented immigrants.

About 7% of all K-12 students in the US had at least one undocumented immigrant parent in according to Pew in 2012. Of these students 79% were born in the US, making them US citizens. So undocumented immigrant children are a very small segment of that population enrolled in American schools. Those with the largest shares of children with at least one undocumented immigrant parent are Nevada (18%), California (13%), Texas (13%), and Arizona (11%), all of which have less than 20%.

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Along with saying that undocumented immigrants bring crime, many anti-immigration folks claim that sanctuary cities are criminal hellholes that protect the guilty. In reality, they’re anything but because a lot of sanctuary cities’ staunchest defenders are local and state law enforcement. This is mostly because sanctuary citizens protect undocumented immigrants from deportation as long as they don’t commit any crimes. Such practice allows police to build relationships with more immigrant residents as well as improve their ability to fight crime. Unfortunately, sanctuary cities aren’t very popular among the general public.

  1. Sanctuary cities are criminal hellholes.

Now sanctuary cities are places where officials have explicitly or implicitly said they won’t prosecute undocumented residents solely because of their immigration status or if they would otherwise qualify for release. Most sanctuary cities tend operate on a “don’t ask, don’t tell,” basis. Meaning that law enforcement and municipal officials can’t inquire on an individual’s immigration status and can’t share such information with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). So long as the undocumented immigrant in question minds their own business and doesn’t commit any crimes. Such policies could be in ordinances, laws, resolution, or law enforcement directive. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that these areas won’t cooperate with Homeland Security completely. Because that’s not necessarily the case. There are over 300 of such places in the US. However, what you may not know is that sanctuary city measures became law in these areas thanks to community activists and local law enforcement efforts. Why? Well, because not checking whether a person is undocumented actually makes it easier for police to do their job and helps deter crime since undocumented immigrants don’t have to worry about being deported if they report anything to the police or over a speeding ticket. Because deportation fears are the main reason why undocumented immigrants in the US are 70% less likely to report themselves as victims when something terrible happens. Such fears make it harder for law enforcement to keep their cities safe because it prevents detectives from having access to potential victims, witnesses, snitches, or neighborhood advocates. Not having that access might keep local law enforcement from catching criminals and putting them in jail, particularly since undocumented immigrants tend to be particularly vulnerable in becoming crime victims. Sanctuary city policies have allowed police build bridges with immigrant communities, earn trust from immigrant residents, and improved their ability to fight crime and protect the entire community from harm. They also spare taxpayers from the expense of arresting and holding people the feds are in no hurry to deport. The federal government isn’t a fan of sanctuary cities (since they might be illegal) and public opinion isn’t very high. Many Republicans would want to see these places punished and denied crime-fighting federal funding. But contrary to popular belief, sanctuary cities aren’t nearly the criminal hellholes anti-immigration politicians make them out to be and it’s wrong to punish them. Besides, the federal government isn’t giving sanctuary to the undocumented immigrants who clearly should have a right to stay.

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If there’s a reason why we should leave sanctuary cities, it is because they provide mercy for a group of people whose very presence makes them susceptible to deportation. And these are people who have families as well as built their lives in this country. Besides, deportation tears families apart and is morally unconscionable. I’m sorry, but it’s just cruel.

  1. Immigration reform is another form of amnesty.

If immigration reform includes a pathway to citizenship for the 11 million undocumented immigrants already living here, it will be a rigorous path. Under the Senate’s proposed Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act of 2013, they would have to wait 10 years for a chance at permanent residency and 3 more for citizenship. On top of that they’d have to pay $2,000 in fines along with hundreds of dollars in fees and taxes. Not to mention, they’d also be required to learn English, pass criminal background checks, as well as prove to have lived continuously in the US and have been regularly employed during this time. Not exactly a free ride, but it gives more undocumented immigrants a way to become citizens than the current system. Also, what the hell is wrong with amnesty anyway? (Nothing).

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Arizona’s S.B. 1070 is a notorious example of anti-immigration policy at its worse. Not only does it make police officers immigration agents (which police don’t want), it also encourages racial profiling which make even Hispanics squirm regardless of legal status.

  1. An immigration law like in Arizona will solve our immigration situation.

No, it will not. For those who don’t know, there’s this law in Arizona in which requires police to determine the immigration status of someone arrested or detained when there’s a “reasonable suspicion” they aren’t in the US legally. Its passage in 2010 sparked many angry protests across the country until local and federal courts overturned parts of it. Mostly because it encourages racial profiling on Hispanics. That law in Arizona is an overreaction that can be best compared to 1942 Japanese internment camp policy. Besides at least 30% of Arizona’s citizens are Hispanic and legal. The Arizona law is vague and only invites discrimination against them. Arizona’s police chiefs opposed the measure because most police don’t want to identify non-criminal undocumented immigrants for deportation and don’t want to be seen as immigration agents. Mostly because they believe doing so would make it harder to build for them to earn the immigrant residents’ trust as well as protect the community. Treating undocumented immigrants like criminals is not the answer.

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This is a group of undocumented students demonstrating for the opportunity for a college education. These kids particularly have a hard time being able to do so because their immigration status makes them legally ineligible for the financial aid their legal counterparts take for granted. And even if they do graduate and/or go on for advanced degrees, they are legally barred from entering any profession that requires a license.

  1. Undocumented students have the same opportunities as their documented peers.

Sorry, but this isn’t true at all. Aside from the usual socioeconomics, fears of deportation, and ineligibility for social services, undocumented students don’t have the same opportunities as their documented peers at all. While most children of undocumented immigrants don’t graduate from high school, not all of them have the same opportunities. Of course, economics certainly plays a critical role here since most undocumented immigrants are poor and it’s certainly a reason why many of their children don’t finish high school. And I’m very aware that many of these kids who do graduate may not be college material. However, the difference becomes very apparent when pertains to children of undocumented immigrants who do graduate and are college eligible. Those who were born in the US will have access to a college education as well as all the rights they’re guaranteed as citizens. Those who weren’t, will have to face legal barriers that deny them the resources and opportunities necessary that might make a college education virtually inaccessible. Undocumented students can’t legally receive any federal funded student financial aid including loans, grants, scholarships, or work-study money (because undocumented immigrants are barred from receiving any grants and loans under federal law). Only 5 states allow instate tuition for undocumented students while most private grants, scholarships, and loans require either citizenship or permanent resident status (which they can’t get). Many of them will denied a college education because they’ll simply be unable to afford it without the financial aid they need but can’t have. Even if these undocumented students do graduate from college (or receive other vocational training), they may not be able enter certain career paths because they’re barred from receiving a professional license under federal law. This means undocumented immigrants legally can’t be doctors, lawyers, accountants, pharmacists, engineers, architects, nurses, land surveyors, cosmetologists, building contractors, therapists, electricians, and others. Sometimes this can vary by state law but it’s said that 30% of American workers need licenses to do their jobs. Thus, 30% of Americans workers are in careers that undocumented immigrants can’t pursue. To deny an undocumented child an education or other benefits and opportunities is simply discriminatory. Most of these kids didn’t choose to come here and some grew up perhaps unaware of their immigration status for most of their lives. Some may not discover their status until they’re much older. One of the reasons for the DACA and Dream Act under Obama was so most undocumented immigrant students can have legal status as well as legal access to an education all through college. Now with the Supreme Court being impasse on Obama’s immigration policy, so many undocumented children might be in limbo.

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Here is another group of undocumented students who are demonstrating in support of the DREAM Act. Because they don’t have the kind of opportunities as their legal counterparts and it’s a real shame. After all, these students came to the US as children and are legally barred from certain opportunities due to extenuating circumstances. This isn’t right.

  1. Undocumented immigrants are lazy.

96% of undocumented immigrants are employed, exceeding the labor force participation rate of their legal counterparts as well as US citizens. Many work 2 or more jobs. Besides, it’s clear that employment is a driving force behind undocumented immigration with many industries such as restaurants, hotels, and agriculture reporting a reliance on them. Thus, most undocumented immigrants came to this country to provide for themselves and their families.

  1. Undocumented immigrants don’t contribute anything to society.

Uh, since most undocumented immigrants are employed, most of them also pay taxes as well as goods and services. Some of them even end up starting their own businesses. Many even pay rent or have their own homes. So to say that undocumented immigrants don’t contribute anything to society is absurd.

  1. Undocumented immigrants bring down wages.

Only in low-skill and low-wage jobs and this minimal. But this is mostly because they lack legal status. Undocumented workers are exploited as well as constantly threatened with the possibility of deportation. Thus, they’re often forced to put up with low pay and poor conditions as well as be most prone to wage theft (in which employers fail to pay them what’s rightfully owed). Most studies show that legalization would raise wages in these types of jobs, because workers can organize for better pay and employers cannot scare immigrants into accepting a poor deal. At least at a general legal level (because US businesses can still ban workers from joining a union like Wal Mart, unfortunately). Nevertheless, undocumented immigrants don’t bring down wages, their unscrupulous employers do.

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Here is an infographic showing the economic impact of comprehensive immigration reform. By granting undocumented immigrants a path to legalization and citizenship, more jobs would be created while incomes and revenues would increase across the war.

  1. Comprehensive immigration reform that includes a pathway to citizenship for undocumented workers would hurt the economy.

Comprehensive immigration reform including a pathway to citizenship for undocumented workers could yield at least $1.5 trillion US GDP in over 10 years. Because eliminating the undocumented underclass workers that employees use to undercut wages and drive down standards, comprehensive immigration reform will ensure that all workers have full labor rights, resulting in higher wages across the board.

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This Princeton pamphlet for undocumented immigrants points out that these people have the right to remain silent, right to legal representation, and a right to make a call when they’re arrested. Their children also have a right to a free K-12 education as well.

  1. Undocumented immigrants are without rights in the United States.

Undocumented immigrants do have rights in the US under the US Constitution and federal statutes such as equal protection under the law (even non-citizens) and can’t be denied due process under the 14th Amendment including the right to remain silent and the right to an attorney as well as the right to be protected against unwarranted searches and seizures under the 4th Amendment. Undocumented children also have the right to a free, public K-12 education. Undocumented immigrants also have a right to receive emergency services from publicly funded hospitals, protection from workplace discrimination, emergency and disaster relief, and others.

  1. Employers may easily and accurately determine whether an immigrant is adequately documented.

According to US Chamber of Commerce Vice President Randel K. Johnson, “The current system has made it impossible for employers to really know who is actually authorized to work and who is not.” It is possible for employers to hire undocumented immigrants unintentionally which might happen when they present falsified documentation or when an employer fails to verify their work eligibility. Yet, since 1986, all employers have to verify identity and work eligibility for all new employees at the time they’re hired by filling out an I-9 verification form. Many employers are unaware or do it poorly or incorrectly. Completing this form requires skills and knowledge: there’s a list of acceptable documents and many exceptions, it’s difficult to know if a document is genuine, acceptable, or still valid. Moreover, employers face penalties for discriminating against well-documented immigrants even if their intention was to avoid hiring undocumented ones. In addition, the US immigration system doesn’t meet the needs of American business who must face lengthy delays before hiring foreign workers. Not only that, but there are many employers who hire undocumented workers and know it but either don’t care or use their status to exploit them.

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The idea that undocumented immigrants prefer to remain in the US illegally have no idea that these people have no realistic alternative for legal entry. If any undocumented immigrants had any option to enter legally, they would take it.

  1. Undocumented immigrants prefer to remain in the US illegally.

Undocumented immigrants who face economic hardship, life threatening situations, or persecution believe they have no reasonable alternative to becoming undocumented either because they don’t meet the strict criteria to immigrate to the US or because they can’t afford to wait 10, 15, or 20 years to obtain a visa. Some legal immigrants who become undocumented due to visa overstays even after applying for a visa extension are only due to government processing delays. Not to mention, some undocumented immigrants are brought to the US as children and at times, grow up here not knowing of their immigration status. They have absolutely no path to become legal residents without facing as much as a 10 year ban as well as deportation despite extenuating circumstances. Then there are undocumented immigrants who have spouses and children who are US citizens. Would you say these people prefer to stay undocumented and risk being taken away from their families? Nearly all undocumented immigrants would legalize their status if they had the opportunity.

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This is a rough graph of undocumented immigrants living in the US. Most of them live in just 6 states and only make a small fraction of the labor force. Children of undocumented immigrants only make 7% of the school population.

  1. Undocumented immigrants are mostly single men.

Over 40% of undocumented immigrants are women and most undocumented men are either married or in families (54%). Fewer than half of undocumented immigrants are unattached and single men. There are also 267,000 undocumented immigrants who are part of the LGBT community, too.

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While many Republicans say that most undocumented immigrant children are unauthorized, most of them are US citizens. And many of them have hard lives. This little boy is a US citizen who has to worry about the possibility of his dad being deported. If you think undocumented immigrants should be deported, then explain to him why such immigration policy should deny him a father in his life. You can’t.

  1. Most children of undocumented immigrants are unauthorized.

While undocumented children do exist, most children of undocumented immigrants are native born US citizens and members of mixed-status families. Nevertheless, these American children don’t have a great quality of life and are set up for failure. The majority of these kids don’t graduate from high school, averaging 2 fewer years than those with legal immigrant parents. Reasons for this are said to be stress, pressure to work at a younger age, poverty, and not having the economic resources needed for a higher education. They also are more likely to experience linguistic isolation, have limited English proficiency, have poor health outcomes, be uninsured, and are less likely to be enrolled in preschool. Nearly half are in households where no member over the age of 14 speaks English very well. For many of these children, their undocumented parents and relatives may be their main caretakers as well as their only means of support. If they’re aware of their parents’ immigration status, they may grow up living in fear that their someone will come in and take their parents away from them. And they live with such fears every day in their lives. 5,100 US children are now in foster care because they had nowhere else to go after ICE got a hold of their parents. While immigration reform that gives these children’s undocumented parents a path to legal status and citizenship won’t solve all their problems, it will at least give them some stability in their lives.

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Caption: “Estrella Manuel, 2, holds an American flag in her mouth during a news conference in Miami Wednesday, June 17, 2009. Roughly 150 children are suing President Barack Obama to halt the deportations of their parents until Congress overhauls U.S. immigration laws. The U.S.-born children say their constitutional rights are being violated because they, too, will likely have to leave the country if their parents are forced to leave.” Unless the US passes comprehensive immigration reform that gives undocumented immigrants a path to legalization and citizenship, these children will be condemned to live on the margins of prosperity, opportunity, and hope. Some of them also run the risk of having their parents taken away from them and possibly ending up in foster care. This is wrong.

  1. The US immigration system works and immigration laws are just.

Such notions like, “But they came here illegally!” assume the system works when the US immigration system hasn’t been reformed in decades to meet our country’s real needs as families, businesses, and workers. When you have laws that don’t match the reality, you have to change them. Besides, a lot of the immigration laws we have now don’t make any sense and our immigration system is broken since it keeps families apart, only 5,000 low-skilled visas are issued a year when there’s a 400,000 low-skilled job demand, and if they wish to enter legally, then they have to wait in line behind people that have been waiting in the legal backlog for years.  Would you say a system is just by denying countless people a right to stay in a country where they lived for decades, raised their children, obeyed the laws, paid their taxes, and just minded their own business? Would you say a system is just when it denies children the right to pursue a college education or pursue careers that require a professional license only due to extenuating circumstances? Would you say a system is just when it denies children certain rights they feel entitled to have in the only country they know such as the right to stay without fearing deportation? Would you say a system is just when 11 million people in this country have no way to pursue a path to legalization, let alone citizenship? Would you say a system is just which has torn families apart as well as put 5,100 children in foster care? Would you say a system is just when it makes legal entry for millions of people almost impossible? If you say yes to any of these questions, you must be a xenophobic racist, living in the white affluent bubble of delusion, or both. Because the US immigration system simply doesn’t work.

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This is a girl with a cross saying no more deportations and an American flag. Whether she’s undocumented or a native born US citizen of undocumented parents should be of no concern to you. But the fact her life would be drastically improved if undocumented immigrants had access to legalization and citizenship should. Please, we don’t need any more families being torn apart by deportation.

The Indigenous Peoples of North America: Part 10 – The Southeastern Woodlands

A coastal Safety Harbor village at the time of Spanish contact.

The Calusa people of Florida were among the earliest people to have contact with Europeans with the 1513 landing of Spanish explorer and conquistador Juan Ponce de Leon. While initial encounters between whites and Native Americans tend to be initially friendly, this wasn’t one of those times since the Calusa knew about what went on in the Caribbean from native refugees and kept driving the Spanish out each time eventually resulting in de Leon’s death in 1521, which didn’t end their hostility to whites though which lasted for a couple more centuries. And it didn’t help they were being subjected to European diseases and slaving raids. Today the Calusa tribe has been considered extinct since the 18th century.

Finally, we come to the Southeastern Woodlands, a region situated from the Mississippi River to the East Coast and from the Ohio River to the Gulf Coast. In this region, contact with the Europeans began in the early 16th century with Juan Ponce de Leon landing in what is now Florida in his hopeless quest to seek the Fountain of Youth. He never found it but he ended up discovering a land that would become a haven for Cuban refugees, rich retirees, major theme parks, astronauts, and outright nutbags. But it’s said that news of Columbus’s 1492 arrival and the effects of such event on the offshore native people such as massive death, mistreatment, and enslavement before Ponce de Leon’s arrival. At any rate, by 1519, these Indian Floridians knew enough to fear the non-native intruders. Yet despite efforts to protect themselves, many of these Indians suffered violence and death from non-native depredation and disease. As European presence became more regular and permanent after the mid-to late 16th century, the Southeastern Woodlands Native Americans were drawn into increased trade with the Spanish and later the British and French who arrived in the 17th century. At the same time the Indians continued to die from disease and were increasingly forced to deal with problems like factionalism, fraud, land grabbing, and alcohol. Aspects of traditional culture like clan and political structure began to break down as overall conflict increased. Though there was a thriving regional deerskin trade by the mid-18th century, many Indians started raising cattle as the deer disappeared. Indians also participated in the regional slave trade where they were buyers, sellers, as well as victims (some even accepted African Americans into their ranks like the Seminoles). Yet, despite that the larger, so-called civilized tribes had adopted a very similar lifestyle to their non-native neighbors such as slave based agriculture, literacy, Anglo-style government and laws, and to some extent Christianity, native land loss accelerated to the point they were almost completely dispossessed in the late 1830s. This was the famous Trail of Tears in which tens of thousands of Southeastern Native Americans were evicted from their homelands and relocated to reservations in Oklahoma with significant numbers dying in transit or shortly after their arrival. Yet, there was a number of Seminole Indians who resisted removal by hiding out in the Everglades. Today most “southeast” Indians live in Oklahoma while traditional culture is preserved in varying ways and to different degrees.

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Like their Northeastern Woodlands counterparts, the Southeastern Woodlands was also dominated by the mound building cultures consisting of the Adena, the Hopewell, and the Mississippian. This is painting depicting a Mississippian mound village in Louisiana.

Location: East of the Mississippi and south of the Ohio that spans to Florida and the Gulf of Mexico.

First Peoples: First inhabited at around 11,000 years ago either by people from the north or west. But they were mostly hunter-gatherers who lived in family bands. Most groups adopted large scale agriculture by 900. Adena (800 B.C.E.-200) and Hopewell peoples (300 B.C.E.-700) resided in the area in permanent villages with mound burials, earthworks, copper ornaments, extensive agriculture, and stamped pottery. Most tribes at this time lived in matrilineal clans in opposing red and white divisions to counter centralized power. Tribes were often loose aggregations of these clans. And such membership often established one’s role or position in rituals and society. Mississippian societies were highly centralized and hierarchically ranked as well as led by powerful if not absolute chiefs. Members of elite classes received tribute in goods and services from common people. Their cities were palisaded urban centers with ceremonial centers and populations of up to tens of thousands of people. They also built large mounds up to 300 acres as well as had fields that were several square miles in area.

Environment: Often humid with river valleys, forests, mountains, grasslands, saltmarshes, lagoons, and swamps. High precipitation. Experiences hot summers and mild winters.

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Like their Northeastern Woodlands neighbors, most of the Southeastern Woodlands tribes practiced some form of agriculture. While corn was the main crop, they also grew squash, beans, pumpkins, sunflowers, fruit, potatoes, and tomatoes.

Subsistence: Primarily hunter, gatherer, fisher, as well as agricultural subsistence. Grew corn, beans, squash, potatoes, sunflowers, yams, tomatoes, fruit, and pumpkins. Gathered nuts, acorns, persimmons, wild rice, fruit, and mushrooms. Hunted deer, raccoons, opossums, beaver, eagles, otters, squirrels, rabbits, turkeys, bear, buffalo, elk, and wild hogs. Also fished.

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The standard Southeastern Indian dwelling was the wattle and daub house. It consisted of pole frames covered with branches and vines and plastered by a layer of clay. Kind of looks like something you’d see from the Smurfs.

Housing: This region had several different types of homes depending on location, tribe, and availability of natural resources. The classic dwelling was made from pole frames covered with branches and vines as well as plastered by a layer of clay. This is known as a wattle and daub house. Summer houses were usually rectangular with gabled, thatched roofs like the chickee. Circular winter “town” houses could be plastered inside and out with animal skins, bamboo, bark, woven mats, and palm leaves may also be used in outer construction. Some of these homes could even have two stories. There were even house like storage structures in addition to these homes. Large towns would have huge town houses with up to several hundred seats used for conducting rituals or business. Sweat houses were also common. Then you have the Caddo people who lived in the “beehive” thatched grass houses.

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Due to humid weather during the warmer months, Southeastern Woodlands Native Americans usually didn’t wear months. Both sexes also had a lot of body paint and tattoos.

Clothing: Most wore very little in the warmer months. Clothing was mainly made from tanned deerskin though inner bark was used to make hairnets and some textiles. Bear and buffalo robes were worn in the winter as well as ornate feather mantles or cloaks. Men wore breechcloths, shirts, leggings, shawls, or cloaks. Women usually wore short skirts, as well as tunics or mantles. Moccasins were mainly worn for travel. Ornamentation was made from shells, copper, pearls, and beads. Tattooing was widespread and body paint was used for special occasions. A lot of male warriors shaved their heads.

Transportation: Had bark and wooden canoes, preferably made from cypress. Though pine, poplar, and other wood canoes also existed.

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Southeastern Woodland warfare often took a great deal of ritual preparation and during such conflicts, warriors would often leave distinguishing signs to show who committed the violent deeds. Scalping was considered high war honors. Most war were usually over clan revenge.

Society: Primarily sedentary and semi-nomadic, though nomadic at the coast. Estimated to have as many as 150,000 people before European contact. Had vast trading networks, though most exchanges took place along kin networks and related families. Villages and towns were often at river valleys whenever possible which can consist of a social and ceremonial center as well as houses strung out for miles. Many tribes had some degree of social stratification and chiefs married women from allied and subject tribes to strengthen ties. Clan vengeance was a primary motivation for war. But warfare often took a great deal of ritual preparation and warriors often left a distinguishing sign to show who committed the violent deeds. Prisoners were usually tortured and sold into slavery. Scalping was common and constituted war honors. War chiefs often led war parties. Later societies could consist of large confederacies.

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Southeastern Woodland Indians were well known to practice exogamous marriage and matrilineal descent. Incest taboos were strictly enforced while inter-clan marriage was banned.

Family Structure: Practiced exogamous marriage and matrilineal descent. Observed strict incest taboos as well as marriage within a clan. Yet, polygamy was practiced among chiefs and wealthier men who could afford it. Men hunted, fished, fought, built houses, and sometimes farmed while women tended to housework, reared children, cooked, and made clothes.

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From 1817-1842, the Florida Seminoles and their escaped slave allies put up a major resistance against the US Army which led the US to acquire Florida and Andrew Jackson serve as its first governor for a time. However, no Seminole resistance was better known than that of Osceola’s in the 1830s who led devastating guerrilla tactics against US troops even when vastly outnumbered before his 1837 capture and death. A few hundred Seminoles managed to stay hiding in the Everglades where their descendants reside to this day.

Practices: Wood carving, animism, shamanism, pottery, basketry, Green Corn festival, moundbuilding, Southern Ceremonial Complex, tobacco, music, dance, gambling, stickball, chunkey, metalwork, weaving, lacrosse, controlled burning, pictographs, and beadwork.

Tools and Weapons: Bows and arrows, spears, axes, adzes, clubs, fish hooks and line, nets, blow guns and darts, rope, spear throwers, grinding stones, stone pestles, flint hoes, and weirs.

Notable Tribes: Cherokee, Natchez, Choctaw, Caddo, Biloxi, Creek, Apalachee, Arawak, Seminole, Atakapa, Bayougoula, Chacato, Calusa, Chickasaw, Croatan, Timucua, Coharie, Mayaca, Mobila, Mocoso, Yazoo, Uzita, Waccamaw, Mayami, Mikasuki, Sewee, Sissipaw, Tequesta, Santee, Roanoke, Pacara, Pensacola, Quinipissa, Tocobaga, Yamassee, Winyaw, Jaega, Koasati, Machapunga, Mataumbe, Eno, Chisca, Chowanoc, Cusabo, Chitimacha, Cape Fear, Chakchiuma, Catawba, Calusa, Ais, Powhatan, Quapaw, Tonkawa, Karankawa, Cofitachiqui, Mosopelea, and Avoyel.

The Indigenous Peoples of North America: Part 9 – The Northeastern Woodlands

Iroquois-league

The Iroquois League was an association of 5 (later 6) linguistically related Northeast Woodland tribes consisting of the Mohawk, Oneida, Onondaga, Cayuga, Seneca, and Tuscarora peoples. Established between the 12th and 15th centuries, the League ruled on disputes and displace their raiding tradition except when it came to their rivals. Their political cohesion made the Iroquois one of the strongest forces in 17th and 18th century northeastern North America. Played both the French and British in the fur trade as well as sided with the latter during the French and Indian War. Was severely weakened after the American Revolution.

While the Great Plains tribes are the Native Americans you tend to see in western movies, the Northeastern Woodlands tribes are the ones you see in anything relating to early American history, particularly when it applies to Jamestown, Massachusetts Pilgrims, or the French and Indian War. Stretching from southeast Canada and east of the Mississippi River to the East coast and extending south to the Ohio River, these tribes were among the first Native Americans to have contact with Europeans than anyone else which were the Vikings who visited coastal areas from Newfoundland all the way to Cape Cod. However, they didn’t stay long and left little permanent influence. Yet, English and French settlers who arrived in the 1600s introduced these Indians to the beaver fur trade and infectious European diseases (sometimes via smallpox blankets). Sure relations were friendly at first, but they quickly deteriorated in some areas such as in 17th century Massachusetts Bay where they went from the first Thanksgiving to all out King Philip’s War in only a few decades. Yet, initial rounds of European diseases resulted in some tribes losing as much as 95% of their population alone in the early 17th century even before the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth (Squanto’s village being one of them). Growing European fur demand led to the New World becoming a center of colonial competitiveness between Britain and France which would eventually culminate into the French and Indian War. Intrusion and eventual domination of the fur trade led to systemic breakdown among these tribes including decline in native arts and material culture, relocation to trading centers even by risking famine, increased social stratification and personal ownership, alcoholism, STDs, increased inter-tribal warfare, increased pressure to convert to Christianity, and eventually Indian removal. By the mid-19th century, many Indian groups in this region had simply disappeared and most of those remaining had been militarily defeated and largely resettled on reservations, some of which were far from home like Oklahoma. On the other hand, there are more Indians in this region today than many people realize. Although they’re mostly acculturated many proudly maintain an Indian identity while Native Americans in both the US and Canada continue struggling for recognition, land, economic development, and sovereignty.

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At its peak in the 13th century, the Mississippian city of Cahokia is estimated to have a population of 40,000 which wouldn’t be surpassed by any US city until the late 18th century. This city was said to have covered 6 square miles and included about 120 human mounds in a variety of shapes, sizes, and functions. But it would soon be abandoned by 1300 and little is known about those who lived there. Today the Cahokia Mounds is considered the largest and most complex archaeological site north of the great Pre-Columbian cities of Mexico.

Location: East of the Mississippi River spanning from south central Canada to the East Coast and Ohio River as well as encompassing the Great Lakes.

First Peoples: Region has been inhabited for at least 12,000 years with the first residents said to come from the Southwest. However, while the archaic period began in 6000 B.C.E., most cultures didn’t become fully established until 3,000 years later due to a dramatically changing environment. The Adena culture from 800 B.C.E. to 200 flourished around Kentucky and Ohio who were known as the agricultural and pottery producing Mound Builders (since they either cremated or buried their dead in mounds). They also used copper tools and red ochre in burial customs. Then there’s the northern Hopewell culture of the Great Lakes from 300 B.C.E. to 700 who also built mounds through their dead as well as performed other complex funerary rituals. Also had stamped pottery, metal work, weaving, large population centers, and vast trade networks. Alongside them is the Mississippian from 700-1500 which was characterized by intensive agriculture, fine pottery, distinctive art themes, stockaded villages, and flat-topped pyramid mounds. Sites from the Mississippian culture include Cahokia near St. Louis whose influence extended as far north as Wisconsin as well as Fort Ancient and Monongahela Woodland in the Ohio Valley. It’s speculative whether the tribes in the Ohio and Illinois Valleys as well as the Great Lakes are descended by their prehistoric counterparts who were gone by the mid-17th century due to warfare and fast-moving epidemics. It was later said to be repopulated by historic tribes from other locations.

Environment: Has many variations in climate, landscape, and natural resources. Much of it thick deciduous and conifer forest, mountains, and wetlands with an abundance in rivers, lakes, and ocean. Flat forests and prairies predominate in the far western areas. Experiences cold winter with deep snows and is often hot and humid in the summer. High precipitation all year round.

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Northeastern Woodlands Native Americans greatly relied on agriculture, growing crops consisting of corn, beans, squash, sunflowers, and wild rice. Out of all of these, corn was their most important food above all.

Subsistence: Primarily hunter, gatherer, and fishing subsistence, agriculture, and everything in between. Crops were corn, beans, pumpkins, wild rice, sunflowers, and squash. Hunted deer, raccoon, fox, muskrat, rabbit, wolf, elk, turkey, turtles, bear, squirrel, beaver, moose, and caribou. Yet, they also hunted for whale and seals as well as fished. Gathered maple sap, honey, berries, roots, nuts, and fresh greens.

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The standard dwelling for the Iroquois was the longhouse which was made from bent saplings and covered with bark. Longhouses could be up to 20 feet wide and 200 feet long as well as divided into 6-8 two room sections, each housing a family and sharing a fire.

Housing: Algonquin peoples mostly built birch bark domed wigwams with woven mat covered walls and floors. Each usually housed one family. Summer wigwams usually tended to be smaller while structures like menstrual huts, sweat houses, and temporary brush shelters were also built. Iroquois usually built wooden longhouses that were 20 feet wide and up 200 feet long (though most were less than 100 feet) made of bark pieces over a sapling frame with vaulted roofs. These were divided into 6-8 two room sections, each housing one family and sharing a fire.

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Northeastern Native Americans tended to wear a lot of jewelry and body paint, especially the men. In fact, while most Native American men wore their hair long, Northeastern Woodlands men tended to wear mohawks with feathers in them.

Clothing: People in the region mostly wore very little during the summer. Clothing was mostly made from deerskin and other animals. Often tanned. Generally consisted of breechcloths, skirts, leggings, and moccasins. Fur robes were worn in the winter. Women usually wore overdresses and tunics. Clothes were often decorated with softened and dyed porcupine quills and/or paint. Some groups even had fringed outfits. Adornments could consist of stone and shell jewelry, tattoos, and body paint. Shaved heads and mohawks were common among some Algonquin tribes as well as feathers in hair.

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Northeastern Woodlands Native Americans often traveled on river by canoe often made from bark, animal hides, or wood. Canoe styles often depended on water conditions.

Transportation: Algonquins used swift and light birch bark canoes while the Iroquois used canoes made from elm. Small ones were used for rivers while larger ones that could fit up to 10 people were used for lakes. Most were framed with cedar and trimmed with maple. Bark was sewn on with spruce roots and caulked with pine pitch or spruce resin. Dugout canoes were used as well. Styles were also based on water conditions.

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Northeastern Woodlands was a place of violent and frequent tribal warfare that villages tended to have fortifications of dirt and fencing even before European contact (since it was a reason why the Iroquois League existed in the first place). Ritualized torture and cannibalism were both practiced.

Society: Primarily nomadic, sedentary, and everything in between. Pre-contact population density varied. But it’s possible that as many as 2 million might’ve resided there but this is a rough estimate. Increased social stratification existed but not to the extent than in the Pacific Northwest Coast or the Southeast (though they did practice slavery). Some tribes were even part of mass confederacies later on such as the Iroquois, the Powhatan, and the Illinois. Among the Iroquois, male chiefs were elected by clan leaders who were usually female. Village councils often acted in unanimity and some chiefs were stronger than others. Western tribes often had warrior organizations to perform policing activities and some women even held some formal political power such as in the Miami, Shawnee, and Potawatomi. Nevertheless, inter-tribal warfare was harsh and frequent resulting in villages being heavily fortified by fencing and reinforced with dirt. Iroquois even revered war. Ritualized torture was common among the Iroquois while cannibalism and human sacrifice existed as well. Though most captives were frequently adopted into the tribe making up for population losses. Trade was mostly localized.

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Since descent and inheritance was matrilineal, Iroquois women often owned most of the family property even after marriage and kept the children if they divorced. An Iroquois woman can initiate divorce by telling her husband to leave the dwelling with his stuff. Iroquois women were also clan leaders who chose chiefs as well. Also, during marriage, an Iroquois man resided with his wife’s family.

Family Structure: Matrilineal descent among the Iroquois while Algonquins could have either this or bilateral. Bilateral or patrilineal among those near the Great Lakes and Ohio River. Men hunted, fished, and fought, while women made pottery, made clothes, looked after children, farmed, gathered, and other housework. Iroquois women owned property that stayed within their possession even after marriage and kept the kids if they separated. Married couples often resided with the wife’s family. Some Algonquin chiefs, shamans, and other wealthy men were allowed to have more than one wife if they could afford it.

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Lacrosse perhaps originated in 1100 and was played as a ceremonial ritual by the Northeastern Woodlands Native Americans. Teams could consist between 100-1,000 men on a field that could span 1,600 feet to 1.9 miles long. Games were said to last from sunup to sundown 2-3 days straight or longer. Also, it was a rather violent bloodsport where players actually got severely injured or killed.

Practices: Animism, shamanism, dreamcatchers, peace pipes, wampum, storytelling, tobacco, war paint, pottery, basketry, beadwork, metalwork, masks, vision quests, Midewiwin, Green Corn festival, music, dance, feast of the dead, medicine dances, lacrosse, birch bark scrolls, and pictographs.

Tools and Weapons: Bows and arrows, harpoons, fish hooks and line, clubs, tomahawks, nets, hemp and basswood bags, wooden bowls and utensils, snowshoes, knives, hoes, rakes, grind sticks and stones, snares, and spears.

Notable Tribes: Iroquois, Algonquin, Mohawk, Huron, Objiwe, Abenaki, Beothuk, Miami, Massachusett, Menominee, Erie, Ho-Chunk, Patuxent, Mahican, Anishinaabeg, Monacan, Narragansett, Illinois, Mitchiganmea, Fox, Sauk, Kickapoo, Mingo, Delaware, Wampanoag, Susquehannock, Tauxenent, Tunxis, Quinnipac, Shawnee, Cayuga, Seneca, Tuscarora, Ottawa, Tutelo, Oneida, Powhatan, Podunk, Pequot, Mohegan, and Penobscot.

The Indigenous Peoples of North America: Part 8 – The Great Plains

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When it comes to Native Americans in popular media, no culture area is so widely recognized as those in the Great Plains. Because Plains Indians tend to be in so many western movies, so many people tend to get the wrong impression that Plains culture was the standard way of life for North American Indians in general (save for those in the Arctic).

Out of all the indigenous peoples of North America, no culture region has been depicted in popular media more than the Native Americans from the Great Plains. Stretching from south central Canada to southeastern Texas and mostly situated between the Rocky Mountains and the Mississippi River, this region has given us tribes that have forever been ingrained in the popular perception of Native Americans for good or ill. Let’s just say in western movies, you’re bound to either see a Plains Indian or a Native American dressed as one perhaps due to how widespread Plains culture was or how lazy the screenwriters were in their research. Some aspects that distinguish Plains culture are teepees, dependence on bison, chiefs wearing war bonnets, as well as horses. Plains Indians in movies may or may not use guns. However, such descriptions don’t apply to all the Plains tribes. Not to mention, the Plains tribes didn’t acquire horses via trade and/or raid networks with the Southwestern and Great Basin tribes. But once they got a hold of these animals, the Plains Indians integrated them in their daily lives, developed a reputation for their equestrian skill, and led to the origin of the mustang. The Plains Indians also traded guns with English and French fur trappers in the areas as well (though they were always in short supply so they still depended on bows and arrows). However, while these European imports improved their lives drastically as well as helped them expand territory, they came at a very high cost in the form of European diseases. Not only that, but their dependence on bison would later come back to bite them later in the 19th century with American westward expansion, the Transcontinental Railroad, the rise of the cattle industry, and Indian Wars. At this time, the US federal government set initiatives permitting bison market hunting in order to weaken the Plains Indians and pressure them to either move onto the reservations or starve. This resulted in the bison being hunted to almost extinction. Another major change since European contact was their growing importance on warfare not against whites but also among each other both as livelihood and a sport. Yet, when Plains Indians fought each other, casualties were usually light, attacks were usually ambushes and hit and runs, success was based on quantity pertaining to horses and other property, and highest military honors were for “counting coup” consisting of touching a live enemy.

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The Great Plains gets its name for being mostly vat flat grassland with rolling hills and valleys. However, while some areas in this region are perfectly suitable for agriculture (such as near the Mississippi), some areas aren’t (but most of it is great for ranching making it ideal bison country). Also prone to dramatic weather events like tornadoes, blizzards, and severe thunderstorms.

Location: Between the Rocky Mountains and the Mississippi River that spans from south central Canada to southern Texas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas.

First Peoples: It’s said that the first inhabitants of this region moved there between 40,000 and 10,000 years ago. The first millennium consisted of tribes with vast trading networks and complex religious practices. But as the region grew drier and less hospitable the nomadic bands slowly followed game and water eastward until by perhaps 1200 when the area was virtually empty. However, the region gradually repopulated due to a moderation of weather conditions as well as a severe drought in the Southwest.

Environment: Mostly flat grassland with many rolling hills and valleys, though not very rugged. Summers are very hot and winters are very cold. Trees are only found by rivers and other bodies of water. Average precipitation is low though there are higher levels in the east. Dramatic weather events such as blizzards, tornadoes, and severe thunderstorms are regular occurrences.

Uses of the Buffalo

The Plains Indians main source of survival was the buffalo which they used for everything. This diagram from the South Dakota State Historical Society illustrates which part of the animal was used for what.

Subsistence: Primarily hunter and gatherer subsistence though some practiced agriculture as well but didn’t use irrigation. Buffalo was the primary game food source which was hunted by men surrounding the animals and herding them off a cliff into confined spaces. Also hunted other animals like elk, antelope, porcupine, prairie dogs, mountain sheep, prairie chickens, eagles, cougars, wolves, beaver, bear, and deer. More agrarian tribes in the east planted crops like corn, squash, sunflowers, plums, pemmican, prairie turnip, and other wild plants. Gathered nuts, gooseberries, chokecherries, and onions. Some even fished.

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Not all Plains tribes lived in teepees nor did all teepee dwelling tribes live in the Plains. However, the fact so many Plains Indians lived in these things has led many people to mistake the teepee as a standard Native American housing unit.

Housing: Mostly lived in teepees made from animal skins and poles. Each teepee could have 6-18 buffalo skins sewn together and stretched over a frame of poles. The average teepee was about 14 feet high and 14 feet in diameter and held between 5 to 8 people. Had an adjustable smoke hole at the top for ventilation. Less nomadic tribes also retained permanent earth lodges along rivers that could be square, rectangular, or beehive shaped. Each of these could hold up to 40 or more people.

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The warbonnet is perhaps the most iconic Native American headdress from the Great Plains. It was a worn by men in the tribe who’ve earned a great place of respect after completing so many eagle feathers for their deeds. Such feather earning deeds might include courageous acts in battle but also political and diplomatic gains or acts that have helped the community prosper. They were also worn by the tribe’s chosen political and spiritual leaders like Chief Sitting Bull pictured here. However, expect controversy whenever you see a non-native wearing one of these as a culturally appropriated fashion accessory, which many of today’s Plains Indians consider offensive to their culture. This especially goes for sports team mascots.

Clothing: Mostly made from deer, mountain sheep, and buffalo skin. Women wore a 2-piece  dress with optional sleeves. During colder weather, they wore leggings, moccasins, and buffalo robes. Men wore breechcloths and moccasins as well as a deerskin shirt, leggings, and a buffalo robe in winter. Garments decorated with fringe and quill work may reflect war honors. Wore necklaces and earrings made from bone, shell hair, or feathers, as well as tattoos. Important figures would wear elaborate feather headdresses and buffalo hats.War bonnets were sometimes worn into battle by men who’ve earned a place of great respect for the tribe as well as political and spiritual leaders.

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When moving camp, Plains Indians would often load their belongings onto a wooden frame structure known as a travois. While pre-contact Plains tribes often used dogs, they would later pulled by horses by the 19th century. This picture is of a modern travois. Note the dog would’ve been attached to something much bigger and made to drag a much heavier load.

Transportation: Used a buffalo skin and pole travois sled to carry their belongings which was pulled by dogs.

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Most of the nomadic Plains tribes tend to bands comprised of no more than 30 people at a time, mainly extended family members. Several hundred of these groups congregated together would form a tribe. And they only got together during the summer to hunt, trade, socialize, make war, raid, and perform religious ceremonies.

Society: Primarily nomadic though some could be semi-nomadic or sedentary all year round. Were not especially warlike (though this would change with European contact, but this is about pre-contact culture here. Also, some practiced ritualized torture). Shamans were said to have some degree of political and spiritual power. Trade was not as well developed there though there was a degree of sign language communication. The most fundamental unit was the extended family which could consist of up to 30 people. Bands and villages variable constituency were composed of up to several hundred people or related families, formed the tribe. Some of the more settled tribes also recognized clans and/or dual divisions. Bands only came together during the summer, uniting under much more centralized political leadership to hunt, socialize, trade, raid, make war, and perform religious ceremonies. During this time, camp police and other elite warrior societies kept order and punished offenders, especially during the hunt. During the winter, bands often separated back into their constituent families in the winter. Band or kin group chiefs were generally older men but the position was more of an honorific than authoritative. Open societies were age graded and could be entered by anyone of the proper age who could purchase admission. Social order was maintained by peer pressure.

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While Plains women didn’t wield as much political or social power as their men, they did hold enormous power in the domestic sphere. Since Plains practiced matrilineal descent, wives owned almost all the marital property and had sole custody of the kids in a divorce that she could initiate by throwing her husband’s belongings out of the teepee. By the way, frontiersman Kit Carson’s Cheyenne wife Making Out Road divorced him this way.

Family Structure: Primarily matrilineal descent. Men hunted and fought while women tanned hides, tended crops, gathered wild foods, cooked, made clothing as well as took down and erected teepees. Women had right to divorce by throwing her husband’s things out of the teepee as well as had custody of the children as well as owned the home. Though they weren’t as engaged in public political life as the coastal tribes, women still participated in advisory roles and through women’s societies. Dead were either buried in tree scaffolds or in the ground (which they cursed before burial in case someone disturbed it, just kidding).

7 Corps of Discovery at a Knife River Village, Vernon W Erickson

It’s worth noting that not all of the Great Plains tribes lived like those you’ve seen in westerns. For instance, the Mandan lived in permanent villages, built round earth houses like these, and farmed. They’re best known as one of the tribes encountered during the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Practices: Animism, shamanism, storytelling, medicine bags, Great Spirit, vision quests, Sun Dance, dancing music, tobacco, incense burning, skin painting, stone pipes, common sign language, and beadwork.

Tools and Weapons: Spears, knives, bows and arrows, and clubs. Buffalo horn spoons and cups. Buffalo tail whips and buffalo water containers. Buffalo bone awls, hoes, and other tools. Buffalo sinew bowstrings and thread. Buffalo skull altars and buffalo hoof rattles.

Notable Tribes: Sioux, Comanche, Kiowa, Arapaho, Pawnee, Blackfoot, Cheyenne, Cree, Crow, Iowa, Kaw, Escanjaques, Mandan, Metis, Omaha, Osage, Otoe, Dakota, Lakota, Ponca, Quapaw, Nakoda, Teyas, Tonkawa, Waco, Wichita, Tsuu T’ina, Arikara, Missouria, Gros Ventre, Hidasta, Assiniboine, and Saulteaux.