Once again, it’s summer vacation season where people travel to some far off destination before having to deal with back to school season. Or if they can afford it and have any vacation days. Because a lot of people in the US don’t. Nevertheless, this California postcard is one of the greats since each block letter shows you each unique feature and destination you can see like the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, Yosemite, the Redwood Forest, Death Valley, the freeways, beaches, orange groves, and more. And it even has the California state house in the corner like that is even necessary. As you might’ve seen before in my previous postcard posts, you might find a lot of them from back in the day. However, though I can show you all the wonderful postcards out there, you might find them incredibly uninteresting. So I’m going to stick with those you might find incredibly ridiculous because I like to play with people’s sense nostalgia. After all, most of these are from the 1950s-1970s anyway. Now for your reading pleasure, enjoy yet another selection of these vintage postcards.
- We begin with a couple ladies enjoying a thrilling ride down the escalator.
Yes, it’s so fun to go down the escalator at the mall. This is especially for the Ooomah Loompah’s beautiful daughter. Or Donald Trump’s mother, but I don’t wish to offend the woman in yellow.
2. Explore the picturesque view of Bass River State Park, New Jersey.
Either this woman is trying to cover up a major wardrobe malfunction or she’s not wearing a bra. Because the way she has her hand on her chest makes me feel quite suspicious.
3. “And this dress comes with two matching hats.”
I know the print is very atrocious and would better as window drapery. Then again, I apologize to any of my window viewers reading this.
4. For efficient liquid handling, try Hannay Hose Reels.
Yes, these hose reels are for your garden hose. I know they’re industrial looking but that was what they were like at the time.
5. This old man just loves to frolick with his black eyed susans.
I don’t know about you. But there’s something very unsettling about this old guy. I just don’t know what.
6. At Colonial Williamsburg, feel free to put one of our reenactors into the stockade.
However, if you want to harass and throw some rotten produce at her, then you’re shit out of luck. But you can still get your picture taken.
7. Welcome to Oklahoma City from their local Veterettes.
Only in Oklahoma City where you can find a local VFW having its own majorette squad. Bad Postcards adds, “Name changed after its first year as the Veterans of Foreign Warsettes.”
8. Hope you enjoy Lolly the Magic Clown making balloon animals.
However, when he’s asking for a volunteer, feel free to not raise your hand. Because those who do are never seen again. And those who volunteered to be sawed in half usually meet a grisly end onstage.
9. Desmond “the Daffy Diplomat” always knows where the fun is.
Tragically for some people, it involves making volunteers’ money magically disappear from their bank accounts. Also what’s with the dice on his fingers?
10. More mail for Santa Claus in North Pole, New York.
Due to melting Arctic ice caps caused by climate change, Santa Clause was forced to relocate his operations to a more stable location. He tried to move to Siberia but the Soviets thought he was too much of a capitalist icon. So he settled for upstate New York.
11. Lake of the Woods, Minnesota is proud to present to you Willie Walleye.
The area’s historical society has a whole page dedicated to this guy as well as plenty of tall tales. So he’s sort of like the Paul Bunyan of fish?
12. As we all know, good fences make good neighbors.
However, when it comes to neighborhood fencing, I would prefer something more inviting. Like a wooden picket fence. Because metal ones are more suitable for public places.
13. “Performing in the Last Chance Saloon 3 times daily” are Miss Kitty and her Can-Can dancers.
Sorry, but to me, that just looks like a poorly executed version of Moulin Rouge. Also, fringe underwear? That’s stripper wear.
14. Always dress your best during deer hunting season, ladies.
I guess the orange and camo dress code didn’t exist at the time. Still, how exactly do you shoot a deer with fur mittens? I don’t get it.
15. I guess this restaurant owner is like, “I use antlers in all of my decorating.”
Breakfast specials include the 4 dozen eggs every morning to help kids get large. The adult version is 5 dozen eggs that will make you roughly the size of a barge. Nevertheless, I’m sure this restaurant isn’t recommended for Mount Lebanon residents.
16. Here we come to what seems to be in an undisclosed location.
Because it really seems like this might be a blood facility with the red liquid and people in scrubs. And it kind of creeps me out.
17. From St. Louis, you might remember the Jakovac Tamburica.
From Bad Postcards: “If, by some bizarre turn of events, I become a designer of sex toys, I have the name for my first product.” Yeah, when your band goes by the name Jakovac Tamburica, you might want to reconsider.
18. Welcome to Wildwoods by the Sea, New Jersey, home of the Hellhole.
Of course, some people might think hellhole applies to New Jersey in general. But this one has demonic statue to greet you.
19. Come to Wisconsin, home of the world’s largest cheese.
Now that is a hell of a lot of cheese. You have to think of the cows whose milk went to its production.
20. Of course it’s not every day you find a flying jackalope.
So there’s more than one kind of jackalope? Had no idea. Still, this consists of a rabbit, small antlers, and pheasant wing and tail.
21. Come to Rogue River, Oregon, home of the National Rooster Crowing Contest.
Marked by an enormous rooster statue. Has a plumage of green and gold unlike most roosters. Perhaps it symbolizes Rogue River’s profits.
22. In Bemidji, Minnesota, stop by at Morrell’s Chippewa Trading Post.
Sorry, but that wolf looks so demented at the moment that you can’t take it seriously. Apparently this place isn’t known for its taxidermy.
23. Look super hip in Valerie’s “Young Look” belt.
From Bad Postcards: “Looks like she’s trying to put on her best model face while hiding the need to barf up all the bacon and pancakes and syrup being squeezed out of her gut.” Also doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about having her picture taken.
24. “Uh, dude, can you uncoil me for a moment. You’re kind of suffocating me right now.”
Because strangling is how snakes kill large prey. Still, I have no idea why anyone would want to put that statue on a postcard. It’s just crazy.
25. From Mansfield, Ohio is country music guitarist Tex Forman.
From Bad Postcards: “Tex, if you’d like to break into a larger market, start by emblazoning your name on your instrument with something other than electrical tape.” Yeah, that kind of looks very cheap.
26. “Okay, Snowflake, what is it this time?”
Didn’t know Santa even had a white reindeer. Why didn’t they even tell us about this?
27. “A portrait grows in value to you.”
Maybe, but that doesn’t stop this girl seeming quite creepy. Maybe this was taken when they were searching for actresses for Rhoda in The Bad Seed.
28. “What’s that your pointing to, Lucifer?”
Because that’s impression I get when I see this. Still, Satan seems like he’s some sort of crazy guy you might watch on Game of Thrones.
29. In Spokane, Washington, feel free to look at the world’s largest bear.
Uh, couldn’t he just take a picture of it and hang it somewhere? Seriously, why he kill it as a trophy? Something tells me he might be compensating for something.
30. Linville Caverns always contain beautiful stalagmite formations.
There’s nothing like going into a cave dressed in your trench and pearls. Or as I call it, something you shouldn’t wear in a cave.
31. It’s always pleasant to have a portrait made at Hess Brothers.
However, this kid might not share that opinion. Because he doesn’t really seem to be smiling. More like wanting to get out of there.
32. Nothing makes a romantic evening like listening to Enzo Stuarti.
From Bad Postcards: “The guys at the table seem more enamored of Enzo than the women. Where’s the band?” When you think about it, it seems about right.
33. Welcome to Ole’s Big Game Lounge in Paxton, Nebraska.
Guess Ole seems quite proud that he shot all these African animals before they were on the Endangered Species list. Still, the taxidermy is kind of unnerving.
34. Here we have a recreation of John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin working on the Declaration of Independence.
For some reason Benjamin Franklin wasn’t feeling so well today. But knowing that such task was so important for the country, he showed up to Independence Hall anyway.
35. “Okay, guys, shall we proceed with the battering ram exercises?”
Actually this is a bunch of marines at Parris Island doing a log lifting exercise. And all in unflattering fitness attire.
36. “We will be glad to pick you up for Sunday School next Sunday.”
Mr. Harris would be happy to drive Timmy there in his windowless van. Oh, God, I’m horrible.
37. “I always want to look my best whenever I go to the farmer’s market.”
Because the farmer’s market is the place where women dress up in furs, gloves, and fine jewelry. Don’t forget to top it off with a tiara.
38. All hail to the almighty beach ball of Calamari.
Another marine training session at Parris Island, South Carolina. You have to admit that these guys aren’t afraid to look utterly ridiculous.
39. Welcome to the bank of the future.
That’s a bank? I kind of liken it to if Emperor Palpatine’s vacation home was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.
40. Greetings from the North Pole from Santa Claus.
For some reason, I think having this postcard from some place in upstate New York instead of the North Pole might lead to childhood disillusionment. Mostly because a lot of kids don’t imagine Santa living in some town in upstate New York.
41. “Missed me, guys?”
Yes, I’ve put a lot of bad wax Jesus in these vintage postcard posts. However, this one stands out because he doesn’t seem to have the kind of arm stretching emotion that comes with resurrection.
42. Today Smokey the Bear and Flippy the Fire Porpoise will discuss fire safety.
Of course, putting out a fire is easier if its surrounded by water. And you a dolphin extinguish it. Where’s the educational value in that?
43. Here a Sioux Native American plays his drum at Mt. Rushmore.
While Mt. Rushmore is referred to in this postcard as, “Shrine of Democracy,” most Native Americans see it as a “shrine to white people kicking us out, taking over our land, and desecrating our sacred sites.” Bet you never heard that before.
44. Here we come to a woman standing on a wall.
I doubt that she’s managed to defy gravity. However, her checkered pants seem to defy fashion.
45. For a Badlands visit, check out Toadstool Forest in South Dakota.
Though the name is Toadstool Forest, it’s not a forest nor does anything there resemble a toadstool. Yet, that one rock does resemble a giant rabbit.
46. Along Wyoming’s Lincoln Highway, you’ll find a high statue of the Great Emancipator.
Now I wonder why they decided to go with Lincoln’s head instead of the rest of him. I don’t understand it. Bad Postcards said it, “Makes him look like a psychopath.”
47. Jesus Christ is always with you, even when you’re scuba diving in Florida.
Guess you can say that Jesus is literally with the fishes here. Though he seems to have his arms outstretched more than anything.
48. Never thought I’d come across a roadside dinosaur before.
This is from South Dakota by the way. I know it’s not as cool as you’d see in Jurassic Park. Still, some states seem to have a thing for large animal statues.
49. Paul Bunyan and Robin Hood are together at the Enchanted Forest.
And here’s Robin Hood complaining about Paul Bunyan’s stiffness and bad fashion sense. The two do not get on.
50. Take a picturesque view of Silver Bridge which collapsed into the Ohio River.
Caption: “WORST U.S. HIGHWAY BRIDGE DISASTER IN HISTORY — Occurred Dec. 15, 1967 when Silver Bridge collapsed. It carried U.S. 35 from Knauga, Ohio to Point Pleasant, W. Va. Built 1928 of unique eye-bar and rocker tower design. Forty-six bodies have been found and two still missing. Railroad bridge in background is still in use.” Really? This is just in really bad taste.
51. You may have seen St. Louis’s Gateway Arch, but have you been inside it?
Caption: “A roomy observation platform at the top of the Gateway Arch offers 32 windows for viewing a thirty mile panorama of Missouri and Illinois.” However, why they decided to take the rear view of the tourists, I have no idea.
52. Come over to New England and visit the great state of Massachusetts.
Sorry, but that does not look like Massachusetts. That’s shaped like North Dakota with a hook.
53. For your 4th of July celebration, Pedro’s Nutte House has the fireworks you’ll need.
Just don’t shoot fireworks on his turf. Also, I think they need to take the, “t” and “e” out of “nutte.” Not to mention, the sombrero does not help at all.
54. Stay awhile at the Mt. Sunapee Motel in New Hampshire.
Yeah, there’s a place called Sunapee. I know it stirs giggles. Also, note the bikini clad woman who just got out of a pool.
55. Spain’s Juan Ponce de Leon was in search for the Fountain of Youth while he discovered Florida in 1513.
Sure this is a rather tacky and historically inaccurate statue of Ponce de Leon with a swimsuit model. But for Florida, this is just so ironically appropriate.
56. Big Brother Bob Emery wants kids to drink 4 glasses of United Farmers milk every day.
Now this just has to be one of the creepiest milk ads I’ve seen. So, kids, drink your milk because Big Brother is watching you.
57. Had better dining before? How about try the Beacon Shack?
Sure it’s a complete shithole and the food is lousy. But, c’mon, at least they’re being honest.
58. There’s nothing like having a carefree day on the beach.
Can’t do a postcard post without a woman in a swimsuit like this one. Of course, why she brought a thin cloth to raise above her head, I have no idea.
59. Here we come to a tri-state view of Nebraska, South Dakota, and Iowa.
I know you can’t really tell the where each state is in this postcard. Well, neither can I. Perhaps a map might be handy.
60. Greetings from Liberal, Kansas, pancake hub of the universe.
Well, at least these women aren’t wearing bikinis. But what the hell does this scene have to do with pancakes?
61. Here we come to some sagebrush which is the state flower of Nevada.
Caption: “This beautiful scene of sagebrush with its colorful pink blossoms is a common sight in the southwest. It stretches as far as the eye can see and besides being beautiful, has practical purposes, as deer and other wildlife feed on it. Sagebrush blooms only after a heavy rain but will bloom in any season. It’s referred to as Cenizo by many Anglos as well as Latin Americans.” When you read the caption, you’re expecting to see something more spectacular than brown, desert foliage.
62. Meet President Lyndon B. Johnson and his wife Ladybird at the White House.
Tumblr member from Bad Postcards: “While the female figure bears some resemblance to Lady Bird, the man hardly looks like LBJ at all. He looks almost more…” Uh, like a psychokiller.
63. Welcome to Cyanmid Laboratories, here are your escorts to show you around.
I think the correct term is “tour guide” escort is another term for prostitute. Also, these outfits are hideous.
64. There’s nothing better than watering your plants with a blowtorch.
Okay, it’s a mister with a jetpack for watering plants. Still, the card say this mist blower gives deep penetration and steady output.
65. Pennsylvania welcomes you to Gifford Pinchot State Park.
And it seems that this place is starving for tourists since it has swimsuit clad women at the sign. Guess there’s nothing exciting to see there unless you’re a nature lover.
66. How about spend a day at Pennsylvania’s Monroeville shopping center?
Known for its vast picturesque parking space. Just look at all the untamed streetlight, concrete, and asphalt.
67. Greetings from Kansas, home of a very long building.
Really Kansas? Surely your state must have something more interesting than an over 1/2 mile long building.
68. Here we see a black bear in its natural habitat in New York’s Central Adirondacks.
So let me get this straight, the Central Adirondacks’ idea of promoting tourism is a postcard of a dumpster diving bear. As Bad Postcards says, “We’re on vacation! Let’s go to the dump!”
69. The Sterling Hotel at Greenwood Lake, New York presents the All Girl Topless Band.
I’m sure their performances were not suited for a PG-13 audience. Makes you wonder what kind of place the Sterling Hotel is. I know I don’t always show nudity but I can’t pass this one up. Best known for their fanservice.
70. Howdy from Nebraska where we herd cattle on our giant jackrabbits.
One of the reasons why cowboys ride on jackrabbits in Nebraska was because the state was once the sight of a large Native American nuclear power plant which suffered a major meltdown. That’s why the rabbits are so huge out there.