Not so Great Love Stories in Literature

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 18, 2014

As a young woman, I am well aware of how many love stories tend to be seen as great until you think about them a bit. There are plenty of love stories like this in classic literature which are celebrated romances we wish we could model our lives around. Yet, when we think about them a bit, we realize that these stories pertain to rather unhealthy relationships as well as serve us as a guide of what not to do. Then again, many of these don’t end happily and sometimes it was the author’s intent to show that they are unhealthy but the fandom just doesn’t listen. So without further adieu here are some famous literary love stories that aren’t really as lovey-dovey as they’re cracked up to be. And no, I’m not going to include anything by Nicholas Sparks or Twilight because they don’t really seem to qualify as literature to me. Still, there are good literary romances with the main characters engaging in healthier relationships as exemplified by Jane Austen. I mean Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett may be flawed but at least they manage to grow up and live happily ever after.

1. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

What you remember: Let’s see boy meets girl despite the two being from feuding families and secretly marry. Later on, girl’s cousin kills boy’s friend and boy kills girl’s cousin, then skips town. Girl engages in dangerous plot to avoid an arranged marriage set up by her parents consisting of faking her own death, which leads boy to poison himself. Girl discovers this and stabs herself. Families reconcile, the End.

What you forget: Sure this is seen as one of the greatest love stories of all time. However, aside from Romeo killing Juliet’s cousin bit, you also don’t know that Romeo also kills the guy Juliet’s parents wanted her to marry while the latter was putting flowers at Juliet’s “tomb” (though to be fair, Paris was going to arrest him for breaking exile and into her tomb). Still, Paris isn’t really a bad guy even if his biggest crime in the whole play is simply not being Romeo. Oh, and shortly before he meets Juliet, Romeo was in love with at least one other girl who didn’t care for him. That being said Romeo isn’t the kind of guy you’d want your daughter to date, let alone marry. Not to mention, sure Juliet may be in love with Romeo but you can also argue that she’s taking up with Romeo to rebel against her parents (over an arranged marriage but still) and she’s supposed to be 13 for God’s sake. You can also argue that the whole romance between Romeo and Juliet may be the result of forbidden fruit or intensified infatuation. Not only that, but much of the action in this play takes place in the span of less than a week. Yes, they marry after a few days of meeting each other. Yet, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that this play is the way to have a relationship despite that this play could’ve been used for an episode of The Wire. I mean they did a musical adaptation with this involving street gangs. Also, they both die and perhaps the moral of this could point that it shows how love at first sight and star crossed lovers ideas don’t really work out in real life. Also, that getting into an irresponsible relationship can end very badly. Not to mention, don’t force your daughter into a relationship with a person she may not even like or at least while she’s 13 or she might get into this kind of shit and don’t engage into meaningless violent family feuds.

2. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

What you remember: Other than it being the result of the “Lost Cause” school of history which is known for being rather racist, here’s the following. Southern belle holds on to an old infatuation for years to a guy who doesn’t see her as no more than a friend as well as marries his cousin. All the while when she comes under the affections of a much older, scandalous, and handsomer gentleman who’s willing to fight for a hopeless cause in her honor as well as wait a very long time to get together with her even if it means putting up with her marrying a brother-in-law o the guy she’s infatuated with and her sister’s fiancé. Their relationship is a disaster and disintegrates after the death of their daughter. Girl doesn’t realize that she loved this older man until very close to the end which is too late.

What you forget: Seriously, I do love this story, honestly. However, the relationship between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler was based on Margaret Mitchell’s first marriage to Red Upshaw who was an abusive drunk and a bootlegger with a violent temper. If you want to know why Scarlett and Rhett’s marriage turns out as bad as it did, look no further than Margaret Mitchell’s own life. The scene where Rhett takes up Scarlett in an act of questionable consent was based on an incident that happened to Mitchell. Also, at the beginning, Scarlett is 16 while Rhett is 35, which is kind of creepy but not by 19th century standards (though it may show that Rhett prefers women he could control). Still, whether you like her or hate her, Scarlett O’Hara is one of the more realistic examples of a Southern Belle in literature, especially when it comes to Reconstruction, which forced many women of her status in unsuitable jobs and marriages. Not only that, but while Scarlett may be a scheming and manipulative bitch, she can be quite naïve and innocent about the really nasty stuff going on behind closed doors like Ashley Wilkes being in the KKK for instance (this from the book I kid you not). Still, Scarlett’s fatal flaw in the whole story is her emotional immaturity which had a lot to do with her being more or less trained not to care about people and merely becoming a pretty doll supposed to attract husbands as well as devoid of personal emotions and wishes. As a result, despite being very smart, her amazing intellect is permanently twisted and stunted. Also, she’s not really in love with Ashley but with what he represents such as the old South, Tara, and her teenage years and doesn’t seem to allow time to properly grieve for the end of an era and accept that it’s gone. And because she’s so wrapped up in a delusion, she’s basically incapable of having an adult relationship with the man she loves the most (Rhett) and becoming a mother to her children (she has 3 in the book). Also, you have to know that sure Rhett may be a kind of dashingly handsome man as well as loveable rogue, yet he pushes Scarlett down the stairs, possibly rapes her, co-owns a brothel, spoils Bonnie rotten which leads to her death, and is verbally abusive. Not to mention, for a guy from the South, Rhett seems to be completely oblivious that Scarlett’s love for Ashley is more out of emotional immaturity than anything. Yet, at least I have to give kudos that Gone with the Wind doesn’t pretend that Scarlett and Rhett are utterly emotionally selfish people and their relationship is basically dysfunctional. But you don’t really seem to care.

3. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

What you remember: Orphaned boy named Heathcliff is brought to Wuthering Heights and becomes an inseparable friendship/romance with Catherine Earnshaw which ensues in an all-consuming passion. Yet, they are driven apart due to her brother making him a slave and her desires for social mobility which drive Heathcliff to leave Wuthering Heights in bitterness. When he returns, he finds Catherine married to an Edgar Linton, yet they still love each other despite all odds and her death leaves Heathcliff truly devastated.

What you forget: Let’s face it, Heathcliff is a complete asshole who only returns determined to crush entirely those who thwarted his one chance of happiness. This includes swindling control under the now alcoholic Hindley’s nose as well as seducing Edgar’s sister Isabella and later treating her in a cruel and abusive fashion once married and generally scheming to control everything belonging to both those guys. And Catherine’s death (from childbirth in the novel) does absolutely nothing to redeem him but only extends his vendetta to not only destroy his rivals but also their kids. Not only that, but though Heathcliff and Catherine’s relationship is passionate, it’s also unhealthy, twisted, and intensely destructive. It also leads to nothing but ruin to them and almost everyone around them. Not to mention, in the end it drives Catherine to insanity and perhaps destroys her identity and personality. Not only that but she marries nice guy Edgar Linton all because she finds Heathcliff “degrading” and that she wants to go to parties, be rich, or have pretty things. In short, she’s a gold digger who ends up with the right guy for all the wrong reasons. Still, the fact that Heathcliff is a possible sociopath who no girl would want to have (as exemplified with his marriage to Isabella, yeah), this doesn’t stop legions of teenage girls and women seeing him as a romantic hero. And the Sir Laurence Olivier portrayal as well as Stephanie Meyer’s trying to glorify the kind of relationship in Twilight Emily Bronte denounced in her book don’t help either. Seriously, a guy like Heathcliff deserves a restraining order or jail.

4. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

What you remember: Married aristocratic woman embarks on a passionate romance and later shacks up with a young officer she just met which leads to family dysfunction, slut shaming, sacrificing basically everything to be with each other, and suicide by train.

What you forget: Don’t get me wrong, Anna Karenina does contain a great love story but unfortunately, it’s not the one you remember. Still, despite Anna being seen as a good kind woman yet with an impulsive streak, I never really cared for her. In fact, I kind of found her pathetic, whiny, unstable, and annoying. Not only that, but despite her love for Vronsky, I don’t get the impression she wants to divorce her pious husband either mostly so she could see their son. Sure Anna’s a victim of double standards, social conventions, as well as spending her life being expected to have no emotions or wishes of her own. Still, Anna constantly fears losing Vronsky which leads to her being quickly disappointed in him as well as totally dependent on him for emotional support. This leads to her self-destruction. I think she should’ve just gone back to Karenin who certainly would’ve forgiven her and taken her back in a heartbeat. He may be an emotionless stiff but at least he tries to do the right thing as well as willing to raise a child by his wife who’s not even his, even if it’s all for self-preservation. Also, despite his faults, you can’t blame him for being deeply upset over his wife’s affair. Vronsky by contrast is a completely self-absorbed prick who flirts with and later rejects a young woman named Kitty who experiences an emotional breakdown. He’s also quite reckless and we’re not sure whether he truly loves her or not. Nevertheless, I think the great love story here is between Kitty and Levin. Sure Levin may prefer farming and hanging out with peasants to fancy balls but he’s a decent guy who really cares about Kitty and at least suffering an emotional breakdown over Vronsky’s rejection gives her time away from home to find herself. And though they go through hardship and a lot of transitions, they are nevertheless happy. Then again, the Tolstoys’ marriage was a lot like this.

5. Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux

What you remember: A hideous man named Erik who’s a tortured soul, longing for compassion from another human being, is obsessed with his singing pupil Christine. Unfortunately, she’s engaged to a childhood sweetheart Raoul. So Erik basically proceeds to stalk her, kills at least two people, sabotages a chandelier, kidnaps Christine, blackmails her by threatening to kill her fiancé, and essentially forces a world-renowned opera house to put on his own self-insert fanfiction which he literally inserts himself into. Yet, he lets Christine go with Raoul to live happily ever after as soon as she kisses him.

What you forget: Mostly what I basically said in the plot thanks to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical such as Erik being hideously ugly (and this role being played by total beefcakes and/or guys with great voices), the obsessively stalking, the killing at least two people, kidnapping Christine and blackmailing her by threatening to kill her fiancé, and the part about getting a world renown opera house to do his own self-insert fanfiction. Of course, the hideous part really isn’t that important as Erik thinks it is but even if you do feel bad for him having a terrible childhood, he’s a bastard nevertheless. Still, that doesn’t nearly get into him having a robotic torture device/death trap, saying that he owns Christine, and the fact that he gets more and more unstable as the story goes on. This guy is a psychotic, jealous, and possessive stalker toward Christine as well as a total control freak with emotional immaturity. Oh, and he also just wants Christine to be his wife so he could treat her like a living doll. Yeah, ladies, being with the Phantom wouldn’t be that great despite how much you tend to ship Christine with him in your fanfiction. You could see why she ended up with Raoul, who may not be that interesting but is a very nice guy who actually cares for her. Let’s face it, fangirls, Erik is in serious need of therapy here. Damn you, Andrew Lloyd Webber!

6. Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

What you remember: Historic context aside, rich guy falls in love with a raped peasant girl he saw unconscious during a party in 1905. Later he becomes a doctor and marries a girl he grew up with while girl gets together with a Socialist best known as Strelnikov. Later after World War I and during the Russian Revolution, Yuri and Lara meet up with each other again at Yuriatin and have an affair. Yuri gets abducted and forced to serve as an army physician against his will yet he shacks up with Lara when he gets back and starts writing poetry as well as conceive a lovechild. Yet, their happiness doesn’t last when Victor Komarovsky tells the two that Lara’s husband deserts his post and she must leave. Yuri later returns to Moscow and dies of a heart attack after mistaking a woman for his beloved. Their illegitimate daughter is discovered in the end.

What you forget: Yuri and Lara are very messed up people who get together as their world is falling apart. If you read the novel, Yuri not only loses his mom at 11 years old but his alcoholic dad commits suicide by train, which is witnessed by a friend. Also, he first sees Lara (in the book) when he’s about 13 and they don’t see each other again until he’s 19 in 1911 when she shoots a guy and faints at a Christmas party he attends with his foster sister and future wife. Oh, and that Lara was raped by Victor Komarovsky (who drove Yuri’s dad to suicide). Still, while Yuri may not be to blame to abandon his family (due to being kidnapped and drafted), he doesn’t seem to do anything to pursue his family after they get deported or even worried about them. Still, Yuri dumps Tonya hard despite being his foster sister, best friend, lifelong companion and confidant, wife, and mother of his two kids. All because she’s not Lara. Oh, and in the book he has kids to three different women. Not to mention, Yuri chases a woman he was infatuated with since he was a teenager and we’re not sure what Lara feels about him. Not only that, but she’s definitely in love with her husband who’s left her behind to join the Bolsheviks and was sexually abused as a teenager. Let’s just say that shacking up because your spouse is away and won’t come back doesn’t provide a good foundation for a healthy relationship, especially during the Russian Revolution. And they’re going to have a musical on this in 2015 or having their image on a wedding cake.

7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

What you remember: Jay Gatsby has a fling with Daisy Fay before being sent off to war and carries a torch for her for the rest of his life. Though he gets rich and holds lavish parties, he still wants to win her back even though she’s now Daisy Buchanan and has a kid. Still, he enlists the help of his neighbor (and her cousin) to set the two up at his house. The two seem to hit it off and when everything seems fine and dandy, she hits a woman with a car and Gatsby takes a manslaughter rap for it. He ends up getting killed by the woman’s husband and dies in his swimming pool.

What you forget: For one, while Gatsby is a self-made man, he’s a bootlegger and a crook who left his poor dirt farmer family behind and never came back, but at least he’s a great old sport compared to the racist, philandering, hypocritical, selfish, and abusive Tom Buchanan. Still, this book might as well be called She’s Just Not That Into You. Sure Daisy may love Gatsby but she just isn’t in love with him in love enough to dump Tom for him since it might mean financial insecurity, abandoning her daughter, and the fear of being abused and controlled by Gatsby the way Tom does to her. Yeah, you could see why she won’t leave her husband even if she’s not in love with him. Also, she’s kind of depressed and plays dumb as well as careless and shallow. And it’s her reckless driving that seal Gatsby’s impending doom. Not to mention, her childhood innocence is a major character flaw in that she can’t take responsibility for herself either to better her life or change the way her actions hurt others. Still, even if Gatsby had his way he would’ve never been happy with Daisy for he expected too much from her, wanting (and perhaps forcing) her to be the perfect memory he obsessed over. Nor does he know who the real Daisy truly is. Basically Gatsby’s fatal flaw was that he wanted what he could never have and he’s in total denial when Daisy picks Tom over him and it’s obvious she won’t come back to him. Alas, that poor son of a bitch.

8. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

What you remember: Girl has hellish childhood growing up with an abusive aunt and a boarding school of horrors. Becomes governess to a rich guy’s kid and falls in love with her boss. Boss reciprocates and they get engaged yet their wedding is cancel because they guy is still married to a mad woman in the attic. She leaves him dates another guy and goes back to find that the house burned down and the rich guy’s wife is killed. They marry and live happily ever after.

What you forget: Jane Eyre should’ve never went back to Mr. Rochester. Seriously, he’s not only several years older than her and her boss, flirts with another well-off woman just to make her jealous, gaslights and sexually harasses her, is already married to another mentally unstable woman he keeps in an attic which Jane finds out about at the altar from someone else, and asks her to become his mistress afterwards which Jane refuses. Yet, that’s all right because Jane goes back to him after Mr. Rochester goes blind in a house fire and his wife is dead. Seriously, what the fuck? If I found out that my fiance kept a mentally unstable wife in the attic while I was just seconds away from saying “I do,” I’d just go bridezilla all over the place, dump the guy, leave the altar in a spectacular angry memorable fashion, and never look back as well as perhaps use the reception for some kind of homeless dinner if I’m paying for it. Let’s just say the Disney princesses are much better role models for relationships than Jane Eyre. I mean finding out on your wedding day that your fiance keeps a mentally unstable wife in the attic is worse than cheating. Then again, she probably married him for the money and that he needs someone to take care of him.

9. Lolita by Vladamir Nabokov

What you remember: Creepy guy falls in love with pre-teen, marries the girl’s mother, and has her killed. Guy takes stepdaughter to use for his own sexual purposes as well as travel around until she reveals she’s having an affair with another guy. Creepy guy is devastated and goes to prison (or so as he says since it’s an unreliable narrator).

What you forget: Honestly, most of us are familiar that this book isn’t really a love story (except in Humbert Humbert’s own mind as an unreliable narrator) as it is more about pedophilia and sexual abuse, but I think it’s worth mentioning since there’s a group of people who think it is and it has disturbing implications. Yet, it’s because of Humbert Humbert’s unreliable narration that some fans of this book think that young Dolores Haze is a sassy, precocious teenager who wears a lot of vintage 1950s clothes and spends a lot of time eating lollipops, sunbathing, and crushing older men. The girl in the novel is actually an average teenage girl who ends up orphaned, raped, and kidnapped. She has more in common with what many victims would have on Dateline: To Catch a Predator than anything. Yet, this doesn’t stop it from being the inspiration for Lolicon and referring to Lolita as a sexual fetish for underage girls nor does it help that actual child molesters and pedophiles consist of a good chunk of the fan base for this book. Still, it’s because we have fans who sympathize with Humbert Humbert and think this story is a beautiful tragic love story, we have people who think this story glorifies pedophilia which wasn’t Nabokov’s intentions (he wrote it to condemn pedophilia). Rather he just though his readers would be smart enough to see through Humbert Humbert’s attempts at gaining sympathy and realize what a sick, despicable, and twisted bastard he is. He was wrong and probably should’ve written the novel in third person or perhaps through Dolores Haze’s point of view.

10. The Iliad by Homer

What you remember: Trojan prince Paris says that Aphrodite is the most beautiful goddess during an argument at a wedding so he could have ultimate love, goes to Sparta to see King Menelaus in the guise of diplomatic mission, kidnaps his wife Helen, and starts a war that goes on for 10 years.

What you forget: Say what you want about Odysseus infidelities in The Odyssey, but they were with goddesses which he couldn’t turn down and at least he was trying to get home to his beloved wife he hadn’t seen in years. Sure people may say that The Odyssey doesn’t make a good love story but it does. You can’t say the same about The Illiad in which most adaptations of the Trojan War has the relationship between Paris and Helen portrayed as such. Still, whether Helen left Sparta willingly or not is ambiguous yet it’s no denying that she has a miserable time in Troy filled with loneliness, self-distaste, and regret as well as conflicted. The Trojans hate her by the end of the war and has more respect for Priam and Hector than she does for Paris. Oh, and when Paris dies, she’s sent to be with Deiphobus but this relationship doesn’t last due to the sack of Troy and all. Still, she’s probably much happier to return to Menelaus and Sparta by the end. Paris, on the other hand, is seen by other Trojans as a philandering, cowardly jerk who’s responsible for the war who everyone wants dead. Also, he may not have been nice to Helen either. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if you can say that Paris and Helen love each other at all. Still, there are better love stories in The Illiad than between Helen and Paris which doesn’t seem much. I mean you have the marriage between Hector and Andromache (a guy who’s fighting so his son could live and his wife won’t be sold into slavery) or perhaps the relationship of Achilles and Patrolcus (if you want to see it that way but you really can’t tell with these relationships in Greek mythology. Still, Achilles took Patrolcus’ death hard).

Willy Wonka and the Workplace Violations Report

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 21, 2014

Recently we have received a number of complaints by visitors of the Golden Ticket Tour at Mr. Wonka’s confectionery factory. For personal reasons, all of the complainants have wished to remain anonymous. Mr. Wonka has a reputation for secrecy and no one has entered or left his factory in the last ten years, yet he continues to produce his confectionery products sold worldwide. Mr. Wonka has been suspected for dubious business practices for quite some time and these complaints provide a unique insight in how Mr. Wonka runs his factory, which have been very useful in our investigation. It has come to our attention that he may be accused of possible workplace violations, using an illegal workforce, and misconduct to children, yet this needs to be studied further. Here is a violations that have been reported by the complainants from the Golden Ticket Tour and other anonymous individuals:

I. Health and Safety

1. Safety concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Chocolate river has no safety rail and leads to a grinding machine via pipes.

b. Chocolate river boat has no safety rail either which caused a visitor to fall in the chocolate river while trying to consume its contents.

c. Nut Sorting Room has a gaping hole in the middle which leads straight to a garbage incinerator.

d. Great Glass Elevator smashes through a room.

e. New equipment has resulted significant mishaps such as one growing too much hair required the assistance of a lawn mower, one being turned into giant blueberries, one floating off into space, and a number of them being shrunk to fit on a small screen.

f. TV Room has a teleporter that could shrink anything to an inch so they could fit on a screen.

g. Whenever such similar mishaps befell any of the visitors during the Golden Ticket Tour, witnesses testify that you discussed rather bizarre solutions as if they were standard safety procedures that included:

i. Being compressed through an unknown procedure in the Fudge Room to get unstuck from a pipe after falling into the Chocolate River which resulted in the visitor exiting the facility as extremely thin and/or perhaps covered in chocolate.

ii. After being transformed into a blueberry, one visitor was restored through a juicing process yet was left permanently purple and absurdly flexible.

iii. Two visitors almost faced certain death in a garbage incinerator after falling from a gaping hole in the Nut Sorting Room. Both emerged from facility covered in garbage.

iv. After being shrunk in the TV Room, one visitor was stretched by a taffy puller which resulted in leaving the facility 10 ft tall but almost paper thin.

h. Mr. Wonka is a known recluse and his factory designed as a maze of differing rooms, mazes, spaces, and experiences. Visitors from the Golden Ticket Tour reported that it was hard to know what was coming around the next corner and a lot of them had trouble finding the exit besides the front door afterwards.

2. Health concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Labor force was not seen in appropriate attire when handling any edible products according to one Golden Ticket Tour visitor who owns a factory of his own. He particularly noted seeing the workforce handle any edible products without wearing hairnets or gloves.

b. Same visitor also expressed doubts on whether the workers washed their hands or whether any of the facilities were regularly kept up to sanitary conditions.

c. Liquid chocolate was stored in a subterranean river system that left the substance at risk of exposure to contamination for a considerable length of time. Same goes for the other candy products in the Chocolate Room, which many of Golden Ticket Tour visitors touched with their bare hands. On the Golden Ticket Tour, Mr. Wonka took his visitors boat ride on the chocolate river in which one fell in while trying to consume its contents. It is not known whether Mr. Wonka ever ordered his workers to dispose of the chocolate.

II. Labor

1. Labor concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. One former employee who was at the factory during the Golden Ticket Tour testified that he spontaneously had his entire paying workforce laid off due to an issues in industrial espionage. Judging that the former employee was previously living in squalid conditions, saving up money from public assistance to buy his grandson a candy bar, and is cared for by of one of his children, it is highly unlikely any of Mr. Wonka’s former employees received compensation or worker’s pension. Though he has no bad feelings for Mr. Wonka and has now moved into the factory with his family since the Golden Ticket Tour, he still feels the need to acknowledge this since many of Mr. Wonka’s former employees still express bitterness over the situation.

b. Same former employee also said that after the layoff, Mr. Wonka had his paid workforce replaced by a large number of undocumented immigrants from some obscure Third World country that is not officially recognized status under the United States government and one even the geography teacher in the Golden Ticket Tour has never even heard of. It can be fair to say that none of them have any authorization to work in this country nor could provide any documentation.

c. Mr. Wonka has been reported to openly admit that he pays these undocumented employees in nothing but cacao beans. Yet, he says he does provide comfortable housing facilities for them, though we are not sure about their diets.

d. Though Mr. Wonka says his workers are happy at his factory, it is unknown whether he actually allows them to come and go as they please since there has never been anyone entering or exiting the facility in ten years. Then again, owing to his workers’ undocumented status, it does not appear they have much of a choice. Their strong fears about deportation should also be taken into account.

e. Mr. Wonka said that his current employees originate from a faraway place known as Loompaland, which was filled with carnivorous beasts who preyed on them. He says that these Oompa Loompas see him as some benefactor and that living and working in his factory for cacao beans is not much of a sacrifice to them. Yet, we only have his word for it since all they have been seen doing by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors consisted of producing candy, being test subjects in his experiments, drinking alcoholic beverages while on the job, and suddenly bursting into song and dance routines whenever there was a mishap involving four of the Golden Ticket recipients.

f. It has been witnessed that Mr. Wonka uses his workers to test for side effects in his confectionery, sometimes with severe and possibly fatal results though he does what he can to rescue them when such tests go awry.

g. Some have said that a few of the design ideas at Mr. Wonka’s factory have come from a few of his staff members themselves, though we are sure he usually takes the credit.

III. Food Safety

1. Judging by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors’ testimonies, we find the safety of some of Mr. Wonka’s products questionable to put on the market. These consist of:

a. Fizzy Lifting Drinks which are soft drinks that make people fly. Fortunately, they could descend through belching on this one despite that one Golden Ticket recipient and his grandfather were almost killed by a fan while on one of these.

b. Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum that turns its consumers into large blueberries once they get to dessert. Even if juiced, the victims remain purple forever and sometimes gain flexibility in their skeletal system.

c. Confectionery products being stored in unsanitary conditions and open for contamination.

d. Everlasting Gobstoppers which are said to never get smaller no matter how long someone sucks on them.

e. Ice cream that always stays cold and does not melt in the sun.

f. Staff handling confectionery without proper attire and possibly without observing basic hygiene.

g. Rainbow drops that people could suck and spit in six different colors.

h. Hair Toffee, a candy that causes excessive hair growth on both hair and chin (even on women). Major side effect for consumers includes having to use landscaping equipment to maintain their hair from then on.

i. Exploding Candy.

2. Mr. Wonka has yet to release a list of ingredients for many of his concoctions, many of which could contain harmful chemicals or pose dangerous side effects, particularly to children. If Mr. Wonka fails to cooperate with us, perhaps we can purchase some of these products for chemical analysis.

IV. Environment

1. We are not just concerned of what is in some of Mr. Wonka’s questionable products, but also whether he is using any chemicals or is properly disposing any excess waste transported out of his factory and the potential impact they may have in the surrounding community, particularly if it is a chewing gum that turns people into blueberries. We do know his factory has an incinerator but that is as much as we know about his facility’s waste disposal.

2. We are not sure what Mr. Wonka runs his machinery on or their environmental impact on the surrounding community. All we know is that he has perhaps the largest confectionery in the world which must consume a lot of energy and perhaps water. It is unknown whether Mr. Wonka has reverted to sustainable practices.

3. We suggest we test the water in the surrounding community to see whether Mr. Wonka’s practices have any impact on public health.

V. Conduct with Minors

1. A while back, Mr. Wonka staged a contest to allow five lucky children into his factory by hiding five golden tickets in his chocolate bars.

2. During the Golden Ticket Tour four of the five children were involved in some dangerous situation whether it pertained to falling into a chocolate river and getting stuck in a pipe, getting turned into a blueberry while chewing an experimental gum, falling through a gaping hole that led to a garbage incinerator, and getting shrunk by a teleporter.

3. Despite what happened to these four children, Mr. Wonka has not issued an apology for the life changing trauma they went through at his factory. Rather he states that these children were spoiled brats who refused to listen to his warnings and have nobody but themselves to blame causing some to believe he steered them in to such trouble to scare them straight.

4. Mr. Wonka has also declined to give compensation to any of these four children and their families on account that he viewed their parents as indulging to their child’s every whim and should probably try being better parents. Has been known to politely discourage others from questioning him, including the parents. The parents have decided to sue for damages.

5. Apparently, Mr. Wonka seems to be either calm or amused to see children suffer under perilous conditions whether it is through a spectromatic boat tunnel that many of the Golden Ticket Tour visitors found rather scary or all the previous fates of four children he sees as “teaching a lesson” that boundaries should be respected.

VI. Mr. Wonka’s Character

1. In this investigation, we find Mr. Wonka as an enigmatic figure who has a problem with transparency, has more concern for his candy than human beings, and has no regard for industrial safety procedures whatsoever. He never thinks about what he put his former workers through or any impact he has upon the local community, the environment, or public health.

2. Mr. Wonka is a very rich man has not released his financial records for several years and it is unknown whether he actually pays taxes. He also has yet to disclose the names of those who supply him with raw materials or whether he pays them. Given his reputation as a one of the richest recluses in the world, Mr. Wonka fails to realize that transparency is the rule when running an industrial establishment.

3. Mr. Wonka fails to understand that to run an industrial workplace, particularly a confectionery, maintaining a clean and safe workplace are top priorities. While it is perfectly fine for Mr. Wonka to design his workplace as a creative playground, health and safety in the workplace should always come first whether that means having guard rails, having workers wash their hands and cover their hair, and making the facility easily navigable for workers and visitors. Mr. Wonka has ignored these.

4. Mr. Wonka also does not seem to understand that all food items should be stored in sanitary conditions and free from contamination. This means that all of his confectionery ingredients should be stored in sealed containers and not exposed to the open air. Who knows what the contents in the Chocolate Room have been exposed to.

5. Mr. Wonka does not see anything wrong with child endangerment whether it pertains to his products and factory equipment. In fact, he sees nothing wrong with releasing certain products that contain potentially harmful chemicals.

6. One visitor remarked that he mentioned the word “snozzberry” during a stop pertaining to flavored wall paper. The only definition our investigation managed to find for this word was a British slang term for penis.

7. Mr. Wonka does not see any reason to have his factory or policies structured to meet confectionery regulations.

VII. Response

1. That in evaluating these complaints from the Golden Ticket visitors and others, we continue our thorough investigation into Mr. Wonka’s activities by inspecting the facilities in question to determine whether there is any truth behind their complaints. If their testimonies prove accurate than it is with all due respect that we give time for Mr. Wonka to meet regulations or else face criminal charges for health and safety violations, food safety violations, workplace misconduct, hiring an undocumented workforce, environmental damage, lack of transparency, and child endangerment.

2. But first it would best to notify Mr. Wonka of the charges he may be up against and our intended actions during the investigation as well as inform him on what he should do to avoid arrest. Yet, even if he does conform to workplace regulations, this does not mean he is immune to lawsuits and criminal prosecution. Also, note that he designated the lone unharmed Golden Ticket recipient as his heir who is ten years old. Thus, Mr. Wonka might have been expecting this.

A Word from Our Sponsors: Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 5, 2014

Been successfully framed for a serious crime you didn’t commit? Have you been trying to prove your innocence to the authorities who just don’t listen to you? Does the real culprit have a conspiracy against you? Sick of the real culprit getting away with the crime while you have been sentenced to years in jail? Do you believe that the criminal justice system is unfair to you and that you could better spend your time breaking out of prison and trying to clear your name by catching the real guy?

Wrongful accusations happen all the time in our everyday lives. To be falsely accused of a serious crime is perhaps one of the most horrible things anyone can experience, especially if they know that the real culprit is so much richer and more influential than he or she is and the criminal justice system can be so unfair to those it should protect. Sometimes people are just wrongfully accused of such heinous acts just because they were in a close relationship with the victim, just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, have a shady history, social discrimination, or that you make a convenient fall guy in somebody else’s scheme. And while there are lawyers, they usually don’t tend to stick around once the falsely accused suspect is convicted and sent to prison. Thus, because the were so wronged by the criminal justice system, many can’t do anything else than try exonerating themselves by going on a personal mission to find the real culprits often committing a series of of other crimes in the process whether they be resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, reckless endangerment, assault, and fraud. Sure these crimes are usually minor compared to what you’re unjustly being accused of but they can come back to bite you once law enforcement gets into play. And let’s just say that it would totally suck to be back in prison after all the hard work you’ve done to prove your innocence through any means necessary.

Here at Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance, we understand that you were forced to commit those heinous acts since there were no legally accepted ways to prove your innocence as a fugitive from injustice. Here we strive to protect you from providing advice on how to cover your tracks as well as recommend a list of lawyers who’d be happy to defend you once you’ve exonerated yourself from the crime you’ve been accused of so you don’t have to face the legal consequences of your actions. Whether it be burglary, theft, kidnapping, torture, attempted murder, breaking and entering, hostage taking, property damage, resisting legal custody, hacking, forgery, blackmail, illegal border crossing, transporting firearms across state lines without a permit, unlawful use of a weapon, and giving the bad guy what he totally deserves, we’ll cover you as you pursue the son of a bitch responsible for ruining your life.

* Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance may not be accepted in all situations in which someone is wrongfully accused of a crime and the said person may have to face the legal consequences anyway. Also, doesn’t cover crimes like murder of innocent bystanders or good guys, domestic abuse, terrorism, or sex crimes since these are very serious crimes themselves and won’t make any wrongfully accused person seem sympathetic in comparison. Vandelay Wrongful Accusation Insurance will only cover you until you’ve not only been exonerated from the original crime but also after you get off on the other crimes you’ve committed in your pursuit to clear your name.

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: ACME Superhero Insurance

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 3, 2014

Are you a superpowered or heavily equipped costumed vigilante who spends considerable amounts of time battling equally powerful bad guys who want to wreak mortal peril and havoc on the general public just for the heck of it? While using your God given superpowers to save mankind, do you find yourself having to plow through buildings, demolishing half of a metropolitan area, or killing countless innocent civilians, having to temporarily “borrow” somethings you’ll probably forget about later, or jaywalking? Has your heroic antics led to rising costs of living in the city, potential lawsuits, and the lack of respect from your human beneficiaries due to causing collateral damage and the fact the villains usually keep coming back to fight another day?

Yes, we know that there are infamous supervillains roaming around the DC and Marvel as well other comic universes that can’t be stopped by your friendly neighborhood law enforcement agencies. Face it, a supervillain is just too powerful for local police to stop which is where superheroes like you come in to save the day. After all, if it wasn’t for you to stop the bad guy with your kick ass techno gadgets or God given superpowers, then whole cities would be destroyed and countless of civilians could be enslaved or dead. Perhaps the supervillain is planning some kind of apocalypse that needs to be thwarted or it could be the end of the world as we know it.

As everyone knows in the Marvel and DC as well as other comic book universes, extensive collateral damage is an endemic unfortunate side effect of practically every time superheroes and supervillains confront each other. Large parts of cities are leveled, countless buildings are smashed and destroyed, and weapons are fired in every direction potentially hitting innocent people. Oh, and there are explosions. Lots of explosions. Sure you’ve saved the day and everyone’s grateful enough to give you a ticker tape parade in your heroic efforts. Yet, after the celebrations die down, people aren’t going to be too happy with you since your efforts in making the world a safer place has its share of unfortunate consequences for your human beneficiaries. Superhero battles can cost civilians not just their lives, but also their homes, jobs, loved ones, property values, businesses, money, and other things, which could potentially lead you to be subject to class action lawsuits, criminal charges in property damage that could land you for years in a maximum security federal prison, accusations of terrorism, public disgrace, and other unfortunate outcomes that you probably can’t afford with your day job salary.

Sure you may have a secret identity to shield you from the unfortunate consequences of your vigilantism. Of course, you may also have a secret identity for reasons like wanting a normal life away from your superhero activities, wishing to protect your loved ones against enemy retaliation, desiring privacy from the celebrity limelight associated with caped crusaders, or because your insurance policy doesn’t have a superhero clause. However, what most superheroes don’t understand that having a secret identity isn’t 100% effective. While trying to protect that secret identity, superheroes are often place in the worst kind of situations that threaten to expose it. Besides, everyone is going to figure out who you are eventually. There must be someone at The Daily Planet who’d figure out why Clark Kent bears an uncanny resemblance to Superman, often cuts work during an alien invasion with last recorded sightings at phone booths, and never shows up during Superman appearances. Not to mention, there must’ve been some time when Dr. Bruce Banner lost his temper in public which would lead him to making a scene as the Incredible Hulk only to proceed in smashing everything in the process. Of course, someone is bound to find why Peter Parker’s girlfriend is kidnapped by some mad scientist supervillian, he’s bound to certainly know. And the city of Gotham will certainly have to figure out that Batman is never going to save the day while some supervillain is holding local millionaire Bruce Wayne hostage for a significant amount of time.

Here at ACME Superhero Insurance, we specialize in taking care of all your superhero needs at a reasonable price whenever your battle with a powerful supervillain or aliens results in extensive collateral damage. We’ll cover the costs of cleanup and repairs as well as the presumably generous settlements for those who want to sue your spandex ass as well as prosecutors who want to indict you for the countless civilian deaths you caused. Yes, we’ll make sure these lawyers manage to get you off on the Good Samaritan laws because hundreds of casualties in New York are a small price to pay when it comes to saving the world from possible global annihilation. We’ll recommend to you a list of lawyers who would be happy to tend to your legal needs in case you’re either sued or indicted on damages. We also have our special team of operators and agents standing by 24/7 for any questions you may ask such as: How do I deal with surviving family members who want to see me in jail for accidentally shooting their loved one on the street? How can I afford your insurance policy on my photographer’s salary? How much do I pay Damage Control for cleanups and repairs? How do I control my anger so I don’t have to turn into a green angry monster smashing everything to hell and back? We at ACME Superhero Insurance provide you with all this at an affordable price that’s accommodating to your finances because we all know that the average superhero isn’t some billionaire playboy with some big industrial corporation he inherited from his father.

For years ACME Superhero Insurance has has striven to provide exceptional service for so many caped vigilantes like you out there so you wouldn’t have to face the legal and financial consequences of your actions. We understand that superheroes like you make valuable contributions to humanity and try to live as upstanding citizens in a community. We know that you wish to use your talents and/or gadgets for public service in this world and you would eagerly defend it against imminent threat of supervillains, aliens, nukes, exceptionally unstable criminals, mad scientists, doomsday machines, and you name it. We know that there are negative repercussions in the business of saving the world but that doesn’t mean that you should be impeded by the legal and financial consequences that might ruin your life. Because of our policy to provide quality affordable insurance coverage to superheroes across the nation in all comic book universes, we have become one of the most trusted names in the business with countless satisfied customers. Take a look at some of their testimonies:

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“With college and my work as a news photographer, I usually don’t have enough money to pay for some basic necessities, let alone the money to pay Damage Control to clean up after me or to all those families who lost loved ones while I was trying to save the city from some of the most dangerous guys out there. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I don’t have to worry about breaking the bank when I have to face Dr. Octopus.” – Spiderman

“As a vigilante man, I kill a lot of criminals in the most brutal and sometimes imaginative ways possible since finding and executing them is my greatest passion in life after my family was killed in a Mafia crossfire. Yet, there probably have been times when I accidentally shot the occasional innocent bystander. ACME Superhero Insurance allows me to pursue that passion and is always there whenever I need to get out of some legal problem, usually relating to murder. Apparently my one-man war on crime is illegal under US law so ACME Superhero Insurance always helped me with finding a lawyer who’d help me get off on self-defense or temporary insanity.” -The Punisher

“Since I’m well aware that many mutants have powers that can destroy whole cities, I always recommend ACME Superhero Insurance for my students and the X-Men.” – Professor Charles Francis Xavier

*All applicants must have experience in superhero activities prior to signing with ACME Superhero Insurance. Also, premiums are based on income and destructive potential and are subject to drastically change since many of our customers tend to rack up damages costing in gazillions of dollars. ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t cover crimes and damages for the customer’s time under his or her secret identity. Also, ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t protect against secret identity and wardrobe malfunctions since we specialize in the legal and financial consequences of superhero actions.

How to Survive a Murder Mystery

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 27, 2013

I’ve watched a lot of cop shows and murder mysteries on TV. Of course, for this list, I’ll be using the model you see from British murder mysteries like Poirot or Miss Marple. Still, whenever I’ve seen a murder mystery, there is a pattern of things that always happen in them as well as that the same kind of people usually end up dead or arrested. So if you find yourself in a fictional murder mystery, remember to follow these important rules in order to make it out alive and with no criminal record.

1. Don’t kill anyone. (Obviously since this is a murder mystery.)

2. If you’re in a series, it helps being either the detective or part of the main or recurring cast. (Main cast members are rarely suspected of murder and recurring characters have good odds as well.)

3. Stay where you are until the murder investigation is over and don’t make any plans to flee the murder scene’s jurisdiction. If you already have any plans to travel in the near future, cancel them immediately. If you’re just visiting or on vacation, prepare for an extended stay. (Attempting to go through with your traveling plans will result in either death or handcuffs by the end).

4. Don’t have very checkered past. (Or else, you’ll either have a personal secret worth killing for or everyone else will have a reason for killing you.)

5. If you’re head over heels for someone who’s unavailable, make sure he or she reciprocates and things will work out in a fashion that you two will live happily ever after by the end. (Happens all the time in Poirot and Miss Marple detective stories. Still, if you like someone who doesn’t care for you at all despite your willingness to do anything they say for a chance with them, well, let’s just say chances are good you’ll surely get it or arrested.)

6. If you’re a woman don’t get pregnant out of wedlock. (Women who get pregnant out of wedlock have an especially good chance of getting whacked, especially after just finding out within the first or second trimester {it happens}. Yet, women who’ve been pregnant for more than 4-5 months usually have lower odds of dying whether their pregnancy resulted from marital sex or not. Mothers of illegitimate children have low odds as well since it’s the kid’s father who usually dies.)

7. If you’re a man, don’t father an illegitimate child. (Guys, no matter how much time has passed, whether you know of the kid’s existence or not, whether your love child is alive, or whether being someone’s baby daddy may have something to do with the case, your odds of surviving as a free man are very slim, indeed.)

8. If you’re a woman, don’t work in the oldest profession. (Hookers are frequent murder victims on American cop shows, especially when there’s a serial killer lurking around.)

9. If you’re in Great Britain, don’t be clergyman. (With the exception of the Father Brown or Brother Cadfael stories or anywhere else the clergyman is a main character, being a clergyman is almost a death wish since many clergymen in British murder mysteries end up being killed, exposed as a murderer, or both. Midsomer Murders especially. Oh, and while most doomed British clergymen work for the Church of England {as far as I know}, they can be from any religious denomination.)

10. If you’re in a period piece, it helps if you’re under 18. (Kids rarely get killed or arrested in old-timey murder mysteries and if they do, then it’s especially serious business.)

11. If you think you’re in danger for having important information to the investigation, call the detective and tell him or her over the phone but not in a phone booth. Afterwards, make sure you’re not the only one who knows and tell at least two other people. If you possess certain evidence, give it to the detective immediately. (Otherwise, you’ll certainly be the next victim.)

12. Be the most obvious suspect. Helps if you get arrested right away after the murder. (In most murder mysteries, the most obvious suspect will almost never be the murderer. However, while being the most obvious suspect may ensure your innocence most of the time, it doesn’t prevent you from being killed.)

13. Don’t blackmail anybody. (You will probably get whacked.)

14. If you’re a suspect, you might want to suppress your natural indignation as best you can and remain courteous and helpful as well as confess your serious sins to the police. Also, it helps if you tell the investigator why he or she may have reason to suspect you of murder. (Those whose sins and motives are known first, will be found innocent. Yet, this doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be alive by the end.)

15. Don’t sleep with the detective. (Sleeping with the detective can either result in your death or later being found out to be the murderer. Best to go with the detective’s assistant instead.)

16. It helps if you’re a complete jerk who engages in suspicious behavior such as:

a. Having an affair.

b. Having problems with drugs or alcohol.

c. Losing all your money suddenly and trying to hide it from others, especially your significant other.

d. Being involved with someone who’d cause your parents to disown you if they found out.

e. Working undercover in another law enforcement entity or in intelligence.

f. Being a doctor whose personal habits or past mistakes could result in loss of practice should they ever become public.

17. It helps if you claim to be someone you’re not in order to divert the legal route of inheritance just as long as the person who gets it is nicer than whoever loses out. (Otherwise, I see bad things in your future.)

18. It helps if you make fun of the detective’s methods during the investigation, especially if you express constant doubts and ridicule his or her eccentricities or obnoxious ways. (That way you’ll be found innocent and alive as well as get your ultimate comeuppance in the end when the detective reveals who did it.)

19. It helps if you and your spouse have serious marital problems in the beginning as long as they don’t pertain to spousal abuse. (Those who physically abuse their spouses and families will ultimately get whacked. It’s those in seemingly happy marriages who get found out as the murderer.)

20. For men: if the victim is a woman, make sure it’s someone you’ve slept with. (Though most female murder victims are killed by their significant others most of the time, this is almost nonexistent in British murder mysteries, especially if her husband was a real dickhead to begin with. The only exceptions may be if the dead woman and her significant other had a seemingly happy relationship. Murdered women in American crime dramas or murder mysteries are a different story, especially if she’s either single and having an affair with a married man or has a husband cheating on her {Monk had plenty of cases involving women that turn out like this}.)

21. Still, don’t be too much of complete asshole that people will certainly not miss if anything happened to you. (Or else, one person will get so pissed off with you that you’ll be a corpse the next morning. Assholes get killed a lot in murder mysteries since they’re much harder to solve and carry a more interesting investigation. We can’t have all murder victims be of innocent people to feel bad for. In Midsomer Murders, this happens 75% of the time.)

22. For men: if you’re the town Casanova, make your line of work doesn’t require house calls. (While the horny little pizza delivery boy may score in a porno flick, he ends up a corpse in a murder mystery.)

23. Then again, best that your line of work doesn’t require house calls. (They tend to witness everything that goes around town and sometimes may get whacked for seeing something he or she may not be supposed to see.)

24. If you find yourself being chased by a killer, don’t run into unfamiliar alleyways. (It will usually be a dead end or the killer will be waiting at the other end.)

25. You might want to think twice before hiring Hercule Poirot to solve the case. (Hiring Poirot to solve your case does not excuse you from innocence. Many times those who hired Poirot are later found to have actually committed the crime. Still, if you hire Poirot to investigate chances are he will find out who did it, whether you like it or not. And that murderer will be brought to justice unless he or she was a fellow passenger on the Orient Express and only out of compassion.)

26. Be present in the same place as the detective when the second murder occurs. (Obviously, you will not only have an air tight alibi for the second murder but be exonerated as a suspect from the first.)

27. While attending the summation gathering circle, make sure you’re not the last person the detective talks about. (The last person the detective talks about is the murderer.)

28. During interrogation, it’s best if you don’t ask to invoke your Miranda Rights. (Either you’ll be dead or found as the murderer, especially in American cop shows.)

29. If you’re the victim’s doctor, make sure there’s nothing in their medical files is crucial to the plot. (Or else, you could be dead, too. Yet, unlike most normal people, doctors can’t really rely on investigators if they have information important to the case, though many eventually will despite their vow of medical confidentiality.)

30. If you’re in a murder mystery that has any connection with Colin Dexter’s Inspector Morse, it helps if you have nothing to do with Oxford University. (Because many people who get killed in a series inspired by the Colin Dexter series can be a student, teacher, staff member, or someone just visiting even.)

31. You might want to be cautious around company when the detective shows up for anything other than for solving a murder, especially if no one has been killed yet. (When the detective is on vacation or solving a non-murder case, it only takes a matter of time before someone is killed and he or she is asked to help out with the investigation. Happens with Poirot and Monk all the time as well as Nick and Nora.)

32. If you’re a suspect, it helps if you’re the biggest and most blatant jerk of the group. (The biggest jerk suspect is usually innocent but he or she sometimes gets killed though.)

33. When traveling as a pedestrian, always walk with a buddy even at a short distance. (In murder mysteries, most people get killed while traveling on foot by themselves.)

34. Never underestimate little old ladies. (Especially Miss Marple or Jessica Fletcher.)

35. If you find yourself invited to attend a special function in a British country manor during the 1920s or 1930s, you might want to politely decline. (Chances are it will not go well.)

36. If the murder victim was an asshole, just don’t try to be the nicest person in the suspect pool. (Else, you may later be found out as the murderer.)

37. When the detective asks you whether you killed the first victim, simply say, “I was planning to kill (insert victim’s name here) but someone beat me to it before I can get to it” or “Yes, I intended to kill so-and-so but not like that.” (You will be exonerated from all suspicion.)

38. If you’re in America, you might want to avoid convenient stores, jewelry stores, or pawn shops. (A lot of people get killed at these places.)

39. If you’re in America, make sure your job doesn’t pertain to being a security guard or night watchman. (Chances of you being a victim are very likely.)

40. If you’re having an affair and don’t want to leave your spouse, make sure it’s with a person who’s mentally stable and isn’t looking for a serious relationship. (Else, you may end up dead.)

Why You Shouldn’t Date a Superhero

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 6, 2013

Ah, superheroes, those crime-fighting vigilantes we all know and love who will always save the day using their powers, brains, or generous assets for the good of humanity. Sure these may be swell people who kids look up to and are loved by generations. And of course, they may seem to be the kind of people anyone would want to hook up with. Still, as I see it, I strongly think that superheroes should just stick with their own kind or super villains.= since it just makes things easier for them as well as with us. With mere mortals, it just gets too complicated. Though there have been few exceptions in relationships between superheroes and normal people, I wouldn’t take those kinds of chances. And here are many reasons why:

1. Expect your date to suddenly disappear during your time out with no explanation why. (Of course, your superhero date will be in secret identity mode during your date but still, he or she won’t tell you the truth because it would give his or her secret away.)

2. Dating a superhero will dramatically increase your chances of encountering life-threatening situations orchestrated by the super villain. (Sure you may be saved by your superhero in the end but there’s a good chance you may end up like Gwen Stacy. Still, if you’re kidnapped by a super villain and aren’t in any job relating to science, business, or government, you should know that you’re dating a superhero. I mean, if you weren’t, the super villain would obviously have no interest in you. Since many superheroes have played some role in a super villain origins so well, there’s a chance they may know your superhero’s secret identity and personal life. And if he’s Peter Parker, almost every one of his major adversaries will know him personally. Not to mention, your chances of being in danger don’t decrease after breaking up with that superhero as in Rachel Dawes’ case. Nevertheless, no one wants to worry about being in life-threatening situations all the time.)

3. There’s a good chance you might be exposed to some radiation upon contact. (Many superheroes in the Marvel Universe got their powers this way like The Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Daredevil, The Incredible Hulk, some of the X-Men {well, before birth or conception}, and others. Of course, they were created during the Atomic Age when nuclear power was glorified and feared. Still, you should know what pro-longed exposure to radiation could give you, like cancer.)

4. There’s a good chance you may have kids with super powers if you and your superhero significant other have any sex. (Of course, there are some superheroes who don’t have superpowers but most of them do for some reason. Yet, for those who have them due to either radiation or genetics, they will very likely pass them to their kids. As difficult as raising kids are, you will have a much easier time raising a kid with special needs than a child with any kind of superpowers. At least raising a special needs kid will not result in your house being destroyed. Seriously, you don’t want kids with superpowers. Non-powered children between superheroes and a normal person are usually more the exception than the rule.)

5. If male, expect your superhero significant other to hold off popping the question or not even propose in the first place. If female, expect your superhero significant other to say no if you ever try to ask her to marry you. (Most superheroes may have committed long term relationships with their significant other, but most of them won’t end with marriage since this step usually involves having the normal person exposed to more danger as well as having to divulge his or her secret identity.)

6. A superhero significant other will not tell you why he or she may randomly cancel and break dates, that you’ll have a great chance of being kidnapped by a super villain or possibly killed, and why does the superhero featured in the papers looks suspiciously like him or her. (For Lois Lane, it should be obvious that Clark Kent is Superman. I mean glasses isn’t much of a disguise and Superman never wears a mask. Also, anyone who’s been in a heated argument with Bruce Banner should know he’s The Incredible Hulk.)

7. You could have the potential to unleash your superhero significant other’s powers if you aren’t too careful. And there may be consequences you wouldn’t expect or perhaps pay for. (Note to anyone in a relationship with The Incredible Hulk. One blow up from him could mean the end of your house as you know it.)

8. Popular Superhero Day Jobs: reporter, student, socialite, police/rescue worker, private eye, attorney, scientist, career superhero (if not using a secret identity), or just a freelance bum. (Not really jobs with people having good relationships are they? Also, if he or she’s rich, then he or she may be screwing around.)

9. There’s a high chance he or she may have had something terrible happen to him or her during his or her childhood. (I mean things like seeing parents getting killed, seeing uncle getting killed, losing parents as a child, losing parents as an infant and getting transplanted to a different planet, oh, well, you know stuff that can put one through years of therapy. I wonder what Batman’s therapist has to deal with if the Dark Knight even has one. His therapist might end up having depression after dealing with him. Of course, Batman’s issues go beyond childhood.)

10. Your superhero significant other may have many unresolved issues as an adults. (And I mean like failed relationships, boyfriends/girlfriends dying on them, getting dumped by a childhood sweetheart for a future super villain and later getting blown up, dating adversaries, having a secret identity, losing a child, having a tendency to take in teenagers as wards and assistants, destructive anger issues, split personality disorder, and the list goes on.)

11. If female, may have a tendency to be mistaken for a stripper when in their superhero mode. (Many super heroines tend to have very skimpy outfits that look like something a stripper might wear.)

12. If your marry your superhero significant other and if he or she is a career superhero, you might want to get a pre-nup since there’s a chance he or she may be sued for inflicting collateral damage. (And superheroes are very guilty of this so maybe having a secret identity is understandable for some of them. Of course, Batman and Iron Man don’t need to worry about lawsuits since they’re both extravagantly rich. Spiderman and Superman on the other hand…)

13. Your superhero significant other may have a tendency to show up all beat up with no explanation after mysteriously disappearing. (I wonder how many times this has happened to Batman on a date. Yet, some of them don’t really show scars like Wolverine.)

14. Your superhero significant other will be no help around the house or be a good parent to any kids you may have. (This may be due to secret identity, strength and function of powers, tendency to spend loads of time in the basement, getting into fights, or fighting evil. Of course, with the Incredible Hulk, you might find yourselves constantly moving to a new place almost after every argument. Still, at least Batman has Alfred and has teenage wards who assist him like Robin but he will never let you in his Bat Cave. Also, superhero kids don’t have very nice lives.)

15. You may not get to have sex due to your superhero’s significant other’s superpowers. (If you touch Rogue, you’d be dead. I mean she can never ever have sex with anyone who isn’t immortal and indestructible.)

16. If he or she doesn’t have a secret identity, you will have to deal with his or her celebrity status including fans, groupies, tabloids, and comic conventions. (Granted most of them come from comic books. Then you might have to deal with the same flack with dating Batman since Bruce Wayne is also quite famous. Also, do you want to be known for dating a superhero?)

17. You may have the tendency to be in a two-person love triangle. (Meaning you may like the superhero but not like the person behind the mask and vice versa.Of course, this could be a problem as we know with Superman’s relationship issues.)

Fictional Heroes Who Probably Don’t Deserve Their Fame

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 11, 2013

There are heroes in both real life and fiction who we all root for and admire but there could be instances when heroism is a tricky thing. Sure most heroes aren’t perfect but by the end of the day, they are the ones who save us, protect us, and inspire us. However, sometimes we tend to heroize people we really shouldn’t not because they’re flawed individuals (for even flawed individuals can achieve heroic deeds) but because their heroic deeds are either fraudulent, could easily become disastrous, or weren’t at all heroic in the first place. A good example of such would be Lance Armstrong who though it’s heroic he managed to overcome testicular cancer and win the Tour de France seven times, the fact he won on steroids is the main reason why he doesn’t deserve to be on a pedestal. Here are a list of fictional heroes who we may admire but don’t really deserve their fame.

1. Superheroes

From: Comic books, movies, and other media

Why we admire them: Well, they save everyone from total annihilation from some crazed super villain all for the greater good and with awesome super powers (or really cool gadgets) that really come in handy. Also, many of them tend to be fairly safe and accessible role models for kids and adults of alike who can be destined for nerdom compared to many of today’s professional athletes.

Why we probably shouldn’t look up to them: Sure superheroes may be pretty awesome but except when there’s a dangerous super villain who needs to be vanquished, their heroism might have the potential of inflicting more harm than good in other. For one, superheroes have a terrible habit of inflicting collateral damage that might cost not only dollars but perhaps lives. This may not mean much if faced against a notorious super villain but in the realm of day to day crimes, using superpowers might be a little overkill to bring those crooks to justice. Not to mention, many of these superheroes don’t take any responsibility for the damage they may have inadvertently caused either because they can’t afford to (like Spiderman) or just choose not to (like Batman). I mean many of these guys have secret identities for a reason and certainly don’t want their deeds traced to them (of course, Tony Stark is an exception since everyone knows he’s Iron Man and certainly takes responsibility for the damage he causes). Second, most of them tend to be the poster children of vigilantism who usually take the law in their own hands whether the authorities authorize it or not. Sure some authorities in the DC and Marvel universe may be perfectly fine with superhero vigilantism especially if it’s against a super villain but no authority would allow a normal person get away with all that. Third, some superheroes tend to be a magnet for danger since many of their loved ones tend to get into bad situations a lot and some super villains may have a personal vendetta against a superhero as well.

2. John Wayne characters

From: John Wayne movies, of course, usually westerns and war movies

Why we admire them: Since they’re the ones who usually save the day in the end and are the only people who know how as far as his fans are concerned. Also, tend to be the leaders many American men once saw as an All-American hero who embodies the best aspects of American values, patriotism, and masculinity.

Why we probably shouldn’t look up to them: Because most of John Wayne’s characters are really full of crap and tend to be assholes at best who don’t listen to anybody else’s idea of the situation, always insist that they’re right, and whine as well as bully everyone else all the more tomorrow until he gets his way. He’s not considerate for other people nor seems to think of the consequences of his own actions. Meanwhile, the townspeople are totally lost on what to do while the bad guys are making preparations to strike because John Wayne won’t shut the hell up. Oh, but since John Wayne is always the hero, he could do no wrong usually gets away with it, too mostly by luck. And how does John Wayne get rid of the bad guys? Usually through violence, which really isn’t the best solution, especially if the bad guys are Indians who just want to remain on their land like their ancestors had for thousands of years but keep getting driven off to reservations by white settlers who don’t wish to share with them or the U. S. government. Not to mention, most of John Wayne’s characters aren’t nice to women, especially if they’re played by Maureen O’Hara. Definitely not guys you want to have around.

3. James Bond

From: The Ian Fleming novel series and the movie franchise

Why we admire him: He’s a spy and makes working in an intelligence agency seem classy. Not to mention, he’s a gentleman who attracts pretty women and drinks martinis. Also, he’s willing save the world from hostile takeover from treacherous selfish men who will stop at nothing for power, revenge, or other selfish whims.

Why we probably shouldn’t look up to him: For one, he’s not really a spy, he’s more of an assassin who doesn’t seem to be very covert about his activities (I mean you can’t really cover up an explosion, car chase, or anything that consists of a climatic action scene). Also, tends to cause collateral damage which spies and assassins usually try to avoid at all times. Not to mention, he smokes and drinks as well as screws with any beautiful woman there (even if they’re affiliated with the enemy which isn’t a good idea) and gets all the glory. Then there’s the fact he lives an extravagant lifestyle everywhere he goes with all expenses paid by MI6. Meanwhile, there are countless secret agents who are doing the actual spy work from 9 to 5 at the office who don’t get to travel, don’t get the pretty women (or men in Money Penny’s case), and don’t get the credit when a Bond villain is taken down John le Carre has to write about. Also, most Bond villains are pretty much idiots to begin with and intelligence work usually tends to be a group effort anyway. 007 may be a brave and loyal spy but he’s not the only one trying to take down Goldfinger.

4. Indiana Jones

From: The Indiana Jones movies

Why we admire him: He’s a badass archaeologist who tackles Nazis with his whip to protect precious artifacts despite his fear of snakes. He’s a great adventure hero to boys despite being a horn dog. I mean what boy doesn’t want to be Indy? Not to mention, he’s a very likeable guy despite his flaws that we don’t care how much of a jerk he is at times.

Why we probably shouldn’t look up to him: Bad habits aside, Indy is probably not an accurate depiction of the adventurer archaeologist even by 1930s standards. I mean he’s a professor who obviously doesn’t take some of his grad students with him to the places he’s at. Not to mention, he’s rarely seen doing what an archaeologist normally does which is looking for artifacts from a archaeological dig. Sure this may be boring and the artifacts might not be that valuable or interesting (like pottery bits) but still, that’s what archaeologists do. Not to mention, he unintentionally destroys ruins when fighting the bad guys and doesn’t seem to authenticate his findings (like a crystal skull perhaps). He may kick Nazi butt, but he’s hardly a good archaeologist. Also, slept with the enemy on one occasion.

5. White Saviors

From: Any kind of media that takes place in history which may or may not have happened that usually deals with the relationships between white people and minority groups and natives.

Why we admire them: Because many of them are actual historic figures known for helping minority groups or natives and they usually make most white people feel good about themselves. Also, we know their hearts are usually in the right place and they always seem to do the right thing despite what everyone else may think.

Why we probably shouldn’t look up to them (or at least some of them): Well, this is more of a mixed bag since many of them are genuine heroes who either helped save them or even allowed them to save themselves. However, they do have a tendency to cause unintentional racism like the notion that these people are incapable of saving themselves or need a white person from the outside to help them and complaints among ethnic minorities. Not to mention, fiction dealing with white saviors tends to be sentimentalized a great deal. Also, some of the scenarios are pretty unrealistic in themselves as well. Whites living as Indians? Pretty plausible as in Dancing with Wolves, Last of the Mohicans, and Little Big Man. An American samurai warrior? Oh, hell no. Sure white savior movies might be entertaining but perhaps we can have a little more diversity, Hollywood?

6. Private Eyes

From: Pulp fiction novels, film noir, and similar media.

Why we admire them: They dress nice, have a cool head, and stick to their principles no matter how much they clash with the cops or their own flaws. Not to mention, they’re the smartest guys in the room who solve the crimes and are willing to show the bad guy who’s boss. We always love these tough guys and loveable rogues.

Why we probably shouldn’t look up to them: Because even though they do get the bad guy and solve the case it’s usually when the perp has already left a trail of bodies in the mean time. Also, they tend to drink and smoke a lot as well as sleep with a great many women who may seem helpless at first but then usually end up being their worst nightmares. Not only that, but they also tend to make their own job seem like a glamorous profession when it really isn’t. Most private eyes don’t really solve murders unless upon request by the victim’s family or police (and many of their cases don’t really involve murder at all, initially). But what kind of cases do private eyes mostly investigate? Well, background checks, dirt digging, and spying mostly. Many of them tend to spy on people who are suspected of cheating on their spouses. Also, many of them tend to be disgraced former cops who may not be the nicest people in the world.

Fictional Villains Who Kind of Had a Point

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 10, 2013

In fiction, villains are figures we’re not supposed to sympathize with and are mostly no good since they’re usually the main obstacle in the hero’s goal. Sometimes they’re evil personified but other times they could just be evil overlords serving as dragons to a higher power, very selfish people who don’t give a shit about anyone else, or just an adversary. And of course, villains tend to do bad things to make sure he or she gets his or her way and doesn’t care who gets hurt. Many of times these villains tend to have inherently evil motivations or ones that are at least misguided. However, though some of them might not have done things that might not be good, some of them tend to have motivations that seem rather complex and somewhat justified. They just probably tried to accomplish it the wrong way.

1. The Wicked Witch of the West

From: The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)

Why She’s Evil: The Wicked Witch of the West basically spends the entire time trying to pursue and kill Dorothy because she’s wearing her ruby slippers as well as killed her sister as well as conquer Oz and does whatever she can to get them such as throwing a ball of fire, sending the flying monkeys, enchanting the poppy fields, and threatens the Scarecrow with fire. She’s also a pretty menacing figure who strikes fear into Dorothy and her friends. It’s easy to see why the Wizard and Glinda wanted her dead.

Why She has a Point: Aside from wanting to conquer Oz bit, the Wicked Witch of the West does sort of have a reasonable motivation for the slippers and wanting to kill Dorothy to get them off her. For one, the slippers couldn’t be removed while Dorothy was still alive. Second, the ruby slippers belonged to her sister which she probably was supposed to get but Glinda basically put the slippers on Dorothy’s feet upon the latter’s arrival in Oz via tornado. And the Wicked Witch of the West wasn’t even consulted on the whole thing. The fact that Dorothy ends up accidentally caught up in this as her adversary which compels the Wicked Witch of the West to focus all her energies on is what makes her the villain. Also, the Wizard is pretty much a phony while Glinda was just using Dorothy as a pawn so she can control Oz herself since she made the girl go all the way to Oz when she just could’ve tap the ruby slippers in the beginning which would’ve solved everything. This sort of makes Glinda the bigger villain since she may not have the kind of motivation The Wicked Witch of the West did.

2. Madame Defarge

From: A Tale of Two Cities

Why She’s Evil: She’s a bloodthirsty French revolutionary who is all to happy to inflict violence and anti-royalist sentiment however way she can. Politics aside, she also puts the climate of the French Revolution to her advantage such as her everlasting hatred for the noble Evermonde family and her obsessive desire to see Charles Darnay guillotined. Not to mention, she almost gets her way with that when Darnay and his companions return. I mean almost.

Why She Has a Point: Madame Defarge has every reason to hate the Evermonde family since Dickens goes to great lengths to show that this family is a pretty nasty bunch who even Charles Darnay doesn’t even want to do with (since he basically changed his name and moved to a different country to get away from them). Not to mention, Dr. Manette basically denounced the clan while in prison at the Bastille. The fact that Madame Defarge is a peasant may be enough to justify her hatred for the Evermonde but her hatred for that bunch is even more personal than that as well as dates back to her childhood. The real reason? She witnessed her mother being raped by Darnay’s father and uncle, which was also the incident that put Dr. Manette in prison since he was the guy treating her. Not to mention, the Evermonde twins were never brought to justice and probably died peacefully. Still, the fact that Charles Darnay is the last living Evermonde she knows, Madame Defarge is determined to have him pay dearly for his family’s sins as a scapegoat. On the other hand, while Dr. Manette hates the Evermondes every bit as much as Madame Defarge, he’s willing to see Charles Darnay as the person he is and lets him live in his house and marry his daughter.

3. Heathcliff

From: Wuthering Heights

Why he’s Evil: Heathcliff basically makes life hell for most of the characters involved by buying Wuthering Heights and makes Hindley’s life a living hell as well as takes advantage of his alcoholism. Also, though he may be a self-made man, we never know how he got the money. Not to mention, he marries Isabella Linton out of spite for Cathy for dumping him and Edgar for marrying the only person in his life who doesn’t make him look like a psychopath. And he treats Isabella like shit as well as well as curses everyone in the room when Cathy dies which sort of makes Wuthering Heights haunted ever since. Basically he’s a complete bastard and Cathy and him might have had the same dad.

Why He Has a Point: Heathcliff probably wouldn’t be the asshole he became if Cathy’s old man didn’t die when he did. It’s perhaps plausible that Heathcliff’s love for Cathy as obsessive and destructive it is, is perhaps the only redeeming quality he has. The fact that Cathy’s father died pretty early on pretty much sets Heathcliff off a course to infamy led by Hindley’s bullying, Linton’s class prejudice, and Cathy’s rejection of him. And Heathcliff pretty much has a good reason to treat Hindley the way he did when he returns to Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff might not have been a sweet kid but he certainly wouldn’t have turned out as bad as he did if he had a decent adult in his life who might have given him the parental guidance he surely needed. The fact he’s the bad guy is that he’s all doing his deeds in revenge for bad treatment and not being seen as good enough for the world around him.

4. King Richard III (or Richard, Duke of Glouchester)

From: Richard III

Why He’s Evil: Well, if we’re to credit Shakespeare, he basically knocks off Lady Anne’s father and previous husband as well as tries to marry her which he does over the man’s corpse. Not to mention, he’s a complete bastard who later poisons his wife, drowns his brother in a vat of wine, and knocks off two of his nephews in the Tower of London so he could have the crown for himself. Evil man indeed.

Why He Has a Point: For one, Richard III was a real historical figure who probably not as bad as Shakespeare said he was or no worse than any other medieval king at the time. Not to mention, Shakespeare wrote he play during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I so it probably isn’t nearly 50% accurate given the guy who defeated him was the Queen’s grandfather. Though a great work of literature, it’s also historic propaganda. Also, though Richard III did take the throne from his nephews and put them in the Tower of London, he simply did it by stating the fact that Edward IV was engaged to another woman at the time he married their mom which not only serves as grounds of illegitimacy but also was perfectly legal at the time. Plus, the boys were children (and England had boy-kings before with disastrous results) and he was basically running the country anyway. Many people in his place would’ve done the same thing, especially during the Middle Ages. Oh, and there’s the fact that he also had his other nephews and nieces including five of Edward IV’s daughters (including Elizabeth of York who married Henry VII and was Elizabeth I’s grandmother) and two of George of Clarence’s kids as well. And there are no Tower stories about them either maybe because many of them were women and he didn’t off them but still. Not to mention, he might not have been responsible for killing the Princes in the Tower. However, the main reason why he’s depicted as a villain is that he was the last king of of a royal dynasty (who usually ends up having a bad reputation) and the fact his death brought the end of the Wars of the Roses and the beginning of the Tudors in England. Also, the fact he seized the throne also counts as well. Sure Richard III might have been bad, but he might have just as been a victim of circumstance.

5. Raoul Silvia

From: Skyfall

Why He’s Evil: For one, he basically a James Bond villain who kills a bunch of people as well as destroys MI-6 headquarters via hacking through the computers. Oh, and he has a massive beef with M and sort of gets even James Bond to question whether his own boss has his best interests.

Why He Has a Point: Face it, compared to most James Bond villains, Raoul actually has a good excuse to make M’s life a living hell, even if his actions aren’t entirely justified. I mean he used to be an agent for MI-6 as well as one of the best and M was probably the closest thing he ever had to a mom (since most recruits at MI-6 were orphans). Not to mention, James Bond sort of views M the same way. Still, how would you feel if you were tortured to the point of insanity severe facial deformity and later learned that you were left for dead by your own boss? Sure M was only doing her job but it really hit Raoul pretty hard that someone he cared for like that would ever betray him. In any case, Raoul has every reason to be angry with her, but maybe not to the point of doing what he did.

6. Stanley Kowalksi

From: A Streetcar Named Desire

Why He’s Evil: Basically he’s an abusive jerk who beats his pregnant wife and treats her sister like an unwelcome guest the whole entire time. Oh, and he basically rapes Blanche to the point of insanity on the night of her birthday, right after he takes his wife to the hospital in labor. Also, he sabotages Blanche’s relationship with Mitch as well as is a selfish man and all around hyper aggressive brute.

Why He Has a Point: By no means, do I find much sympathy with this bastard of a man. Yet, you have to have some understanding with him since anyone would probably not like if their wife’s sister suddenly turned up at their doorstep after little communication for years. Oh, and it’s pretty obvious that Stanley doesn’t know her that well in the beginning but he does his research. Also, he’s basically one of the characters of the whole thing who’s quick to point out Blanche’s rather unpleasant qualities such as that she doesn’t care for him being a Pole, after Belle Reve was lost she moonlighted as a prostitute at some seedy motel which she was kicked out of, drove her husband to suicide after she discovered him having an affair with another man, and being fired from her teaching job for having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy. Not to mention, she’s basically staying with Stella because she has nowhere else to go and has been going to great lengths to conceal her checkered past. Sure Stanley was no saint by any means nor had any right to rape her, but Blanche was certainly not one either. Not to mention, raping vulnerable and mentally unstable woman seems more terrible than having questionable consensual sex with a seventeen-year-old, as far as post WWII America was concerned.

7. Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus

From: The Pink Panther series

Why He’s Evil: Basically went nuts and not only tried to kill Inspector Clouseau multiple times but also tried to destroy an entire country out of angry at being lied to about Clouseau’s assassination as well as whereabouts at one point or another. And he tried to pull that off pretty treacherously as a matter of fact.

Why He Has a Point: Because he’s Inspector Clouseau’s boss and later replaces him once he ends up in the madhouse. Not to mention, Clouseau is such an idiot and borderline incompetent that he basically gets through on cases despite his own stupidity and it’s pretty apparent that he’s the one who drives Dreyfus over the edge but not intentionally though. Clouseau can drive just about anyone familiar with him crazy. Still, what makes Dreyfus a villain is that he wants Clouseau dead and is willing to kill him, instead of maybe simply firing him or getting him transferred like most people would.

Fictional Third Wheels and Why They’re Better Off That Way

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 30, 2013

A third wheel is someone in the love triangle who doesn’t end up with the girl or guy since the object of their affections will usually pass over them for someone else. Still, in many ways fans tend to root for the third wheel usually for he or she may be the underdog or the one who’s more of a long shot. However, many times it’s better that they stay third wheels since many would probably not make compatible or viable partners to the object of their affections or have some issues preventing happiness anyway. Here are some examples and my explanation why they’re probably better off without their beloved or why their beloved is better off without them.

1. Eponine Thenardier

From: Les Miserables

Beloved: Marius Pontmercy

Why she didn’t get the guy: Marius never considered Eponine as a love interest as well as no more than a friend or someone he felt sorry for. Not to mention, he falls in love with Cosette and ends up with her.

Why we root for her: Eponine is from a much poorer family and in many ways has to rely on herself. Also, she’s very loyal to Marius and is willing to do anything to make him happy (at least in the musical) even if it means him not returning her feelings. Also, she risks her life for him. Cosette on the other hand, may have been the kind of girl we’d feel sorry for but as an adult living with Jean Valjean, many fans don’t find her that interesting.

Why they’re better off apart: In many respects, Marius and Eponine are much better off without each other because it wouldn’t work out if they got together. For one, Eponine’s parents are the Thenardiers (yes, the innkeeper and his wife who mistreated Cosette before Jean Valjean came along). And it’s pretty apparent that the Thenardiers wouldn’t make the best in-laws and are certainly not people you’re willing to trust. Also, they’re willing to steal from just about anybody. Not to mention, Eponine steals from people as well but she has her standards. Then there’s the notion that if Eponine did end up with Marius, she wouldn’t find her life very happy with him. Sure she may have a roof over her head and fancy clothes to wear, but she wouldn’t be fully accepted in neither Marius’ world nor in his family. It’s also not helped by the fact that Marius’ mother also married a guy outside her background who her family didn’t like. Though she loved the guy, she died when Marius was little which resulted in a custody battle between his wealthy noble maternal grandfather and his dad. And the maternal grandfather won as well as made sure that the elder Pontmercy would never see his son again and that Marius would never know of his dad’s existence. Of course, Marius does find out about his dad when his old man dies and ends up becoming a revolutionary because of his daddy issues. If Eponine and Marius had kids and Marius died when the children were still young, there’s no doubt Marius’ family would do the same thing to her as they did to his dad. As for Cosette, despite her childhood, she seems pretty well adjusted as well as has a great dad in Jean Valjean who saved Marius’ ass. Besides, Cosette is fairly pretty and well off enough that Marius’ family accepts her. Trust me, Marius and Eponine are better off as friends.

2. Sidney Carton

From: A Tale of Two Cities

Beloved: Lucie Manette Darnay

Why he didn’t get the girl: Lucie Manette already had a boyfriend when the two of them met who was his client Charles Darnay who she later married. Not to mention, she only sees Sidney as a friend.

Why we root for him: For one, he really loves Lucie even though he’s perfectly content to be in the friendzone as well as hang out with her family once in awhile. His love for her also makes him a far happier guy who’s willing to do anything for her to make her happy such as taking her husband’s place at the guillotine. Also, he let Lucie know he loved her unconditionally.

Why they’re better off apart: For one, Sidney probably is an alcoholic and isn’t a very ambitious attorney compared to his partner Stryver. Also, he’s not that fun to be around with and can get fairly depressed. Not to mention, even Sidney can admit that Charles Darnay is a better choice since like Lucie he’s French as well as willing to hold a steady job and fairly well-adjusted (though he has issues with his family).

3. Heathcliff

From: Wuthering Heights

Beloved: Catherine Earnshaw Linton

Why he didn’t get the girl: Catherine wanted to leave Wuthering Heights for a wealthier lifestyle so she dumped him for Edgar Linton while Heathcliff was away.

Why we root for him: For one, he’s handsome, dark, and mysterious. Second, he always loved Catherine since they were kids for she was very sweet to him. Third, we also feel bad for how Catherine’s brother treated him on account of his background as well as everyone else.

Why they’re better off apart: Despite his status as a romantic hero, Heathcliff is a complete bastard, especially to those who hurt him in any way, and that includes Catherine. Sure he was treated like shit for being “different” but that doesn’t excuse him for what he does when he gets back from his adventures. Not to mention, forgiveness isn’t one of his virtues and he doesn’t care who gets hurt from his schemes. For one, to get back at Catherine for marrying Linton, he basically marries Linton’s sister Isabella out of complete spite and inevitably neglects her afterwards. Then he also mistreats Catherine’s alcoholic brother as well. Overall, he’s basically selfish, cruel, and controlling as well as has absolutely no remorse for his actions. Also, there’s a possibility him and Catherine might have had the same dad since we don’t know where Heathcliff came from or why he was brought to Wuthering Heights to begin with.

4. Severus Snape

From: The Harry Potter series

Beloved: Lily Evans Potter

Why he didn’t get the girl: Mostly because he had a falling out with Lily by calling her a “mudblood” during their Hogwarts days as well as hanging out with the future Death Eaters of Slytherin. Also, she ended up marrying James Potter, one of the kids who used to bully him at school.

Why we root for him: Well, we don’t actually root for Snape since Harry might not have been around if he and Lily got together and the fact there wouldn’t be s story either. However, we like him because he’s a very powerful wizard, has a great deal of charisma, and was willing to do everything he could to defeat the man who killed the woman he loved and protect her son. Not to mention, he’s said to be one of the best loved characters in the whole series. On the other hand, James was kind of a jerk as a teenager as well as died young.

Why they’re better off apart: For one, we don’t get to see Snape’s good side until he hears of Voldemort’s plan to kill Harry. Before that Snape was a Death Eater and even then, he was willing to let Voldemort kill Lily’s husband and son as long as he spared her. However, Lily was willing to die than see her own son killed. Still, if Voldemort went after someone else, Snape probably would’ve still stayed a Death Eater. Also, though Snape may be willing to protect Harry, he doesn’t like the kid for basically looking like his dad and treats him pretty terribly, too. Not to mention, Snape came from a broken home with a pure blood supremacist mother and a muggle father who constantly bickered at each other so he probably has no idea how to have a healthy relationship. Then there’s the notion of what he might have become like if he did end up with Lily, one can only wonder.

5. Jay Gatsby

From: The Great Gatsby

Beloved: Daisy Buchanan

Why he didn’t get the girl: Well, she probably wasn’t too into him to begin with and settled for major asshole Tom Buchanan when Gatsby left to fight in WWI.

Why we root for him: Because this guy was willing to work hard and rise to riches so he could have Daisy and he loves her a great deal. He also gives lavish parties and is a far nicer guy than Tom Buchanan.

Why they’re better off apart: Though we may agree that Daisy is better of dumping Tom for Gatsby, she’s also a real piece of shit in her own way. In Gatsby, he’s certainly would be better off without Daisy. For one, she leads Gatsby on for years and makes him think he has a chance to win her heart, even though she’s not going to leave Tom at least on a permanent basis. Also, Daisy’s pretty shallow as well as only receptive to displays of wealth, which Gatsby has. Also, she’s pretty much responsible for his misery and partially for getting him killed and doesn’t even show up at his funeral.

6. Erik, The Phantom

From: The Phantom of the Opera

Beloved: Christine Daae

Why he didn’t get the girl: Christine only viewed Erik as a mentor and never considered him as a love interest material since he was much older than her. Besides, she preferred guys her own age like Raoul, her fiancee and childhood friend.

Why we root for him: Because he’s more of an underdog since he’s ugly and lonely in his opera basement who can use a friend. However, he’s also brilliant, charming, dark, and mysterious. Also, has had a hard life and has good taste in the finer things. Not to mention, he wears half a mask.

Why they’re better off apart: If his physical attributes were the worst part about him, we wouldn’t hold it against him. However, he has an ugly personality to match. For one, he’s controlling, has a terrible temper, and doesn’t take rejection well at all. Second, he’s not above bullying the opera staff in order to get his way. Third, his relationship with Christine is kind of creepy since he’s obsessed with her to the point that he stalks her and later kidnaps her so he could have her all to himself. Then there’s the fact that he’s only seen on New Years Day Masquerade Ball which is also kind of creepy in itself. Sure he may be enchanting, but Erik is the kind of guy you’d sure as hell want to stay away from.

7. Rebecca

From: Ivanhoe

Beloved: Ivanhoe

Why she didn’t get the guy: Ivanhoe basically passes her over for a childhood friend in Rowena, though he does save her. However, he only sees her as a friend.

Why we root for her: For one, she’s Jewish and spends the entire time supporting and pining for Ivanhoe. Also, even Sir Walter Scott himself though Ivanhoe should’ve ended up with her. Besides, Rowena is kind of useless.

Why they’re better off apart: Well, she’s Jewish, she’s in England, and she’s living in the Middle Ages. Also, at that time intermarriage was unheard of (or so we thought.) Not to mention, if Rebecca and Ivanhoe did end up together, imagine what kind of crap the two of them would have to deal with from people who may not know any better (and, yes, Antisemitism was rampant in those days). Also, consider the fact that the story was written in the 1800s where interfaith marriages were kind of controversial and this story kind of makes the idea acceptable. Thus, for Ivanhoe, Rowena was the safer bet. Sorry, but Sir Walter Scott had to have it happen.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Fiction