The Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame

Doing a post on bad sports mascots got me thinking about the big leagues and how some of them don’t seem to rally the team as much as create a franchise embarrassment. Now I know many of the guys behind the costumes probably started doing this in high school and college perhaps to get in with the cheerleaders or avoid embarrassment of their jock filled family who didn’t want him in marching band. Yet, many of these pro mascots probably took their talent to the big leagues since they love the limelight and/or don’t have many applicable skills. Now the following mascots I’m listing on this post are from the Big Four Leagues based in the United States and sometime Canada as far as the NHL goes. Still, for those who feel embarrassed about your pro team mascot, this is the list for you and for those who are offended for putting your favorite mascot on the list, I sincerely apologize. So without further adieu, here is my cavalcade of the worst mascots in professional sports.

 

NFL

 

1. Steely McBeam- Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I'm from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he's ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that's so lame?

Now I’m from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he’s ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that’s so lame?

 

2. Rowdy- Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys may be America's football team (Steeler fans: actually no way in hell), but we're sure that Rowdy isn't America's favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he's kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader's boobs. Creepy.

The Dallas Cowboys may be America’s football team (Steeler fans: no way in hell), but we’re sure that Rowdy isn’t America’s favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he’s kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader’s boobs. Creepy.

 

3. Boltman- San Diego Chargers

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn't get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers' mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn’t get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers’ mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

 

4. Edgar, Allan, and Poe- Baltimore Ravens

I don't know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of "The Raven" turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

I don’t know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of “The Raven” turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

 

5. Blue-Indianapolis Colts

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

 

6. T. D.- Miami Dolphins

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn't seem very intimidating at all.

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn’t seem very intimidating at all. Seriously, still too cute.

 

7. Raider Rusher- Oakland Raiders

Now what's worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They'll probably cry.

Now what’s worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They’ll probably cry.

 

8. Jaxon de Ville- Jacksonville Jaguars

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that's not right. Seriously, I don't find speedo as anything you'd want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that’s not right. Seriously, I don’t find speedo as anything you’d want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

 

9. Pat Patriot- New England Patriots

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn't mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he's about to ask for your soul.

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn’t mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he’s about to ask for your soul.

 

10. Sir Saint- New Orleans Saints

Now I know he's been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he's a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

Now I know he’s been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he’s a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

 

11. Captain Fear- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who've seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children's movie with pirates in it who don't do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who’ve seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children’s movie with pirates in it who don’t do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

 

12. Indian- Washington Redskins

Of course, I couldn't do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans.  Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God's sake? You're projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. Seriously, this mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans. Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God’s sake? You’re projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. This mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

 

MLB

 

1. Raymond- Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball.

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball. I mean he looks like he could be related to the Lorax for God’s sake.

 

2. Dinger- Colorado Rockies

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain't Barney. The Bad: he's still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain’t Barney. The Bad: he’s still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

 

3. Billy the Marlin- Florida Marlins

Now I'm not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon's embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

Now I’m not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon’s embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami who has a large collection of Jimmy Buffett music. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

 

4. Phillie Phanatic- Philadelphia Phillies

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We're not sure which.

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We’re not sure which.

 

5. Screech- Washington Nationals

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

 

6. Bernie Brewer- Milwaukee Brewers

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn't seem to be up to no good.

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn’t seem to be up to no good.

 

7. Southpaw- Chicago White Sox

After being rejected from Sesame Street, Southpaw traveled all the way to Chicago to make his fortune. After a comedy run on Second City, Southpaw managed to achieve fame as the mascot for the Chicago White Sox. Of course, his Twitter account says: “Hey! It’s me Southpaw, the official White Sox Mascot. I sleep, breathe, eat (well…maybe not eat..that would be weird) the White Sox.” Excuse me? What did I just hear? And they have this guy perform at birthday parties?

 

8. Sluggerr- Kansas City Royals

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren't natural in large mammal predators. Still, he's simply terrifying.

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren’t natural in large mammal predators. Either that or what would happen if Bart Simpson mated with a bear. Still, he’s simply terrifying and that kid doesn’t seem too happy posing with him.

 

9. D. Baxter the Bobcat- Arizona Diamondbacks

For God's sake, I'm sure that looks like something I'd see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

For God’s sake, I’m sure that looks like something I’d see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

 

10. Wally the Green Monster- Boston Red Sox

I'm sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn't live in Boston.

I’m sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensonian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn’t live in Boston.

 

11. Slider- Cleveland Indians

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn't offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I'm sure he'd be the monster killing everybody.

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn’t offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I’m sure he’d be the monster killing everybody.

 

12. San Diego Chicken- San Diego Padres

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let's face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I'm sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn't want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let’s face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I’m sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn’t want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

 

13. Clark the Cub- Chicago Cubs

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don't know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he's a bit creepy as if he's a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don’t know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he’s a bit creepy as if he’s a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

 

14. Gapper- Cincinnati Reds

Let's see Gapper is either: A. Elmo's embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son's Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

Let’s see Gapper is: A. Elmo’s embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son’s Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

 

15. Junction Jack- Houston Astros

Let's see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I'm sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he's around, get the hell out of there.

Let’s see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I’m sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he’s around, get the hell out of there.

 

16. Swinging Friar- San Diego Padres

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that "padre" is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that “padre” is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

 

17. Mr. Redlegs- Cincinnati Reds

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he's going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he’s going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

 

18. The Luchador- Arizona Diamondbacks

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he's a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a  giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would've been better.

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he’s a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would’ve been better.

 

19. Lefty and Righty- Boston Red Sox

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn't mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn’t mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

 

20. Orbit- Houston Astros

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we're not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he's not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who'd appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we’re not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he’s not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who’d appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

 

21. Paws- Detroit Tigers

He's basically related to Tony the Tiger who's on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We're not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger's family doesn't really talk about him.

He’s basically related to Tony the Tiger who’s on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We’re not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger’s family doesn’t really talk about him. Perhaps because he has an unsettling look in his eyes.

 

22. The Sausages- Milwaukee Brewers

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don't want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don’t want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

 

23. Stomper- Oakland Athletics

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A's logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid's program in person and that's no small peanuts here.

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A’s logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid’s program in person and that’s no small peanuts here. Yeah, not very intimidating.

 

NBA

 

1. G-Wiz- Washington Wizards

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called "G-Wiz" when its fans said, "Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?"

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called “G-Wiz” when its fans said, “Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?”

 

2. Jazz Bear- Utah Jazz

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

 

3. Hip Hop the Rabbit- Philadelphia 76ers

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I'm sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I’m sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

 

4. Rumble the Bison- Oklahoma City Thunder

Basically he's the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn't look like an actual bison at all. Rather it's kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

Basically he’s the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn’t look like an actual bison at all. Rather it’s kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

 

5. Burnie- Miami Heat

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not spirit.

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not team spirit.

 

6. Stuff the Magic Dragon- Orlando Magic

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called "Puff the Magic Dragon," but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called “Puff the Magic Dragon,” but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

 

7. Pierre the Pelican- New Orleans Pelicans

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that's bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that’s bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

 

8. Go the Gorilla- Phoenix Suns

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

 

9. Coyote- San Antonio Spurs

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there's clearly something not right with him.

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there’s clearly something not right with him.

 

10. Sir CC- Cleveland Cavaliers

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him.

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him at least before Alexandre Dumas’ ghost rises out of his grave.

 

11. Thunder- Golden State Warriors

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler's estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn't a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler’s estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn’t a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

 

12. Grizz- Memphis Grizzlies

Grizz's dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead.

Grizz’s dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead. He is not happy about it.

 

13. Brooklyn Knight- Brooklyn Nets

Let's see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he's named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let's just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would've made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

Let’s see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he’s named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let’s just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would’ve made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

 

14. King Cake Baby- New Orleans Pelicans

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you'd want at any baby shower, especially if you're the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he's basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you’d want at any baby shower, especially if you’re the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he’s basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

 

15. Lucky the Leprechaun- Boston Celtics

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he'd probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he’d probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

 

16. Hugo T. Hornet- Charlotte Hornets

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair.  Or D. All of the above.

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair. Or D. All of the above.

 

17. Mavs Man- Dallas Mavericks

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn't have super powers but inherited his father's skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn’t have super powers but inherited his father’s skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

 

18. Clutch the Bear- Houston Rockets

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn't resemble a stuffed animal you'd give a baby to. What am I thinking?

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn’t resemble a stuffed animal you’d give a baby to. What am I thinking?

 

19. G-Man- Washington Wizards

Good News: Well, at least he's not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

Good News: Well, at least he’s not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

 

20. Bowser- Indianapolis Pacers

Sure he may dunk, but he’s more appropriate as a mascot for some animal shelter or a children’s show character since he’s so cuddly. Doesn’t seem intimidating at all. Was sent to the dog pound in 2010 where he may have been put to sleep, but I’m not sure.

 

NHL

 

1. Fin the Whale- Vancouver Canucks

If keeping killer whales in captivity for shows at Sea World hurts orcas then having a terrifying Fin the Whale as a mascot for the Canucks isn’t far behind. Let’s just say while orcas aren’t cute and cuddly, Fin doesn’t seem to represent them in a good light, especially when he tries to bite off children’s heads. Boy, I hope he doesn’t do anything to that boy with cancer.

 

2. Wild Wing- Anaheim Ducks

Well, he's basically what you'd have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he's out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th.

Well, he’s basically what you’d have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he’s out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th on ice.

 

3. Spartacat- Ottawa Senators

At first, you'd think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you'd probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

At first, you’d think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you’d probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

 

4. Stinger- Columbus Blue Jackets

Let's see, he's not cute, he's not furry, and he's not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he's getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won't get off his lawn. Let's just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

Let’s see, he’s not cute, he’s not furry, and he’s not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he’s getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won’t get off his lawn. Let’s just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

 

5. Youppi- Montreal Canadiens

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you'd expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he's the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you’d expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he’s the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

 

6. Sparky the Ice Dragon- New York Islanders

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should've stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children's show or Puff the Magic Dragon's evil twin brother. Also, he can't breathe fire, fly, and isn't a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should’ve stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children’s show or Puff the Magic Dragon’s evil twin brother. Also, he can’t breathe fire, fly, and isn’t a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

 

7. Harvey the Hound- Calgary Flames

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he's the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you'd think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would've been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he’s the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you’d think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would’ve been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

 

8. Al the Octopus- Detroit Red Wings

Of course, you'd think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus?  Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it's a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it's kind of scary looking.

Of course, you’d think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus? Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it’s a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it’s kind of scary looking.

 

9. Sabretooth- Buffalo Sabres

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you'd give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you’d give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

 

10. Thunderburg- Tampa Bay Lightning

You'd think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won't frighten kids.

You’d think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won’t frighten kids.

 

11. Stormy- Carolina Hurricanes

You'd think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn't make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children's cartoon for God's sake.

You’d think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn’t make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children’s cartoon for God’s sake.

 

12. Sully and Force- Vancouver Canucks

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

 

13. Bernie the Saint Bernard- Colorado Avalanche

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that dog from the Beethoven movie series.

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that troublemaking dog from the Beethoven movie series, you know the films most people watch because of the G-rating.

 

14. Carlton the Bear- Toronto Maple Leafs

Sure polar bears are animals you don't want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn't stick to your ass. Yeah, I'm talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials.

Sure polar bears are animals you don’t want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn’t stick to your ass. Yeah, I’m talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials. They say he has a history of TV marketing perhaps as the BIMBO Bread Bear in Latin America? Certainly not the kind of bear that could rip your arm off.

 

15. Boomer the Cannon- Columbus Blue Jackets

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there's just one problem. When he debuted as a "a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general," the fans didn't take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there’s just one problem. When he debuted as a “a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general,” the fans didn’t take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Willy Wonka and the Workplace Violations Report

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Recently we have received a number of complaints by visitors of the Golden Ticket Tour at Mr. Wonka’s confectionery factory. For personal reasons, all of the complainants have wished to remain anonymous. Mr. Wonka has a reputation for secrecy and no one has entered or left his factory in the last ten years, yet he continues to produce his confectionery products sold worldwide.  Mr. Wonka has been suspected for dubious business practices for quite some time and these complaints provide a unique insight in how Mr. Wonka runs his factory, which have been very useful in our investigation. It has come to our attention that he may be accused of possible workplace violations, using an illegal workforce, and misconduct to children, yet this needs to be studied further. Here is a violations that have been reported by the complainants from the Golden Ticket Tour and other anonymous individuals:

 

I. Health and Safety

1. Safety concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Chocolate river has no safety rail and leads to a grinding machine via pipes.

b. Chocolate river boat has no safety rail either which caused a visitor to fall in the chocolate river while trying to consume its contents.

c. Nut Sorting Room has a gaping hole in the middle which leads straight to a garbage incinerator.

d. Great Glass Elevator smashes through a room.

e. New equipment has resulted significant mishaps such as one growing too much hair required the assistance of a lawn mower, one being turned into giant blueberries, one floating off into space, and a number of them being shrunk to fit on a small screen.

f. TV Room has a teleporter that could shrink anything to an inch so they could fit on a screen.

g. Whenever such similar mishaps befell any of the visitors during the Golden Ticket Tour, witnesses testify that you discussed rather bizarre solutions as if they were standard safety procedures that included:

i. Being compressed through an unknown procedure in the Fudge Room to get unstuck from a pipe after falling into the Chocolate River which resulted in the visitor exiting the facility as extremely thin and/or perhaps covered in chocolate.

ii. After being transformed into a blueberry, one visitor was restored through a juicing process yet was left permanently purple and absurdly flexible.

iii. Two visitors almost faced certain death in a garbage incinerator after falling from a gaping hole in the Nut Sorting Room. Both emerged from facility covered in garbage.

iv. After being shrunk in the TV Room, one visitor was stretched by a taffy puller which resulted in leaving the facility 10 ft tall but almost paper thin.

h. Mr. Wonka is a known recluse and his factory designed as a maze of differing rooms, mazes, spaces, and experiences. Visitors from the Golden Ticket Tour reported that it was hard to know what was coming around the next corner and a lot of them had trouble finding the exit besides the front door afterwards.

2. Health concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Labor force was not seen in appropriate attire when handling any edible products according to one Golden Ticket Tour visitor who owns a factory of his own. He particularly noted seeing the workforce handle any edible products without wearing hairnets or gloves.

b. Same visitor also expressed doubts on whether the workers washed their hands or whether any of the facilities were regularly kept up to sanitary conditions.

c. Liquid chocolate was stored in a subterranean river system that left the substance at risk of exposure to contamination for a considerable length of time. Same goes for the other candy products in the Chocolate Room, which many of Golden Ticket Tour visitors touched with their bare hands. On the Golden Ticket Tour, Mr. Wonka took his visitors boat ride on the chocolate river in which one fell in while trying to consume its contents. It is not known whether Mr. Wonka ever ordered his workers to dispose of the chocolate.

 

II. Labor

1. Labor concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. One former employee who was at the factory during the Golden Ticket Tour testified that he spontaneously had his entire paying workforce laid off due to an issues in industrial espionage. Judging that the former employee was previously living in squalid conditions, saving up money from public assistance to buy his grandson a candy bar, and is cared for by of one of his children, it is highly unlikely any of Mr. Wonka’s former employees received compensation or worker’s pension. Though he has no bad feelings for Mr. Wonka and has now moved into the factory with his family since the Golden Ticket Tour, he still feels the need to acknowledge this since many of Mr. Wonka’s former employees still express bitterness over the situation.

b. Same former employee also said that after the layoff, Mr. Wonka had his paid workforce replaced by a large number of undocumented immigrants from some obscure Third World country that is not officially recognized status under the United States government and one even the geography teacher in the Golden Ticket Tour has never even heard of. It can be fair to say that none of them have any authorization to work in this country nor could provide any documentation.

c. Mr. Wonka has been reported to openly admit that he pays these undocumented employees in nothing but cacao beans. Yet, he says he does provide comfortable housing facilities for them, though we are not sure about their diets.

d. Though Mr. Wonka says his workers are happy at his factory, it is unknown whether he actually allows them to come and go as they please since there has never been anyone entering or exiting the facility in ten years. Then again, owing to his workers’ undocumented status, it does not appear they have much of a choice. Their strong fears about deportation should also be taken into account.

e. Mr. Wonka said that his current employees originate from a faraway place known as Loompaland, which was filled with carnivorous beasts who preyed on them. He says that these Oompa Loompas see him as some benefactor and that living and working in his factory for cacao beans is not much of a sacrifice to them. Yet, we only have his word for it since all they have been seen doing by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors consisted of producing candy, being test subjects in his experiments, drinking alcoholic beverages while on the job, and suddenly bursting into song and dance routines whenever there was a mishap involving four of the Golden Ticket recipients.

f. It has been witnessed that Mr. Wonka uses his workers to test for side effects in his confectionery, sometimes with severe and possibly fatal results though he does what he can to rescue them when such tests go awry.

g. Some have said that a few of the design ideas at Mr. Wonka’s factory have come from a few of his staff members themselves, though we are sure he usually takes the credit.

 

III. Food Safety

1. Judging by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors’ testimonies, we find the safety of some of Mr. Wonka’s products questionable to put on the market. These consist of:

a. Fizzy Lifting Drinks which are soft drinks that make people fly. Fortunately, they could descend through belching on this one despite that one Golden Ticket recipient and his grandfather were almost killed by a fan while on one of these.

b. Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum that turns its consumers into large blueberries once they get to dessert. Even if juiced, the victims remain purple forever and sometimes gain flexibility in their skeletal system.

c. Confectionery products being stored in unsanitary conditions and open for contamination.

d. Everlasting Gobstoppers which are said to never get smaller no matter how long someone sucks on them.

e. Ice cream that always stays cold and does not melt in the sun.

f. Staff handling confectionery without proper attire and possibly without observing basic hygiene.

g. Rainbow drops that people could suck and spit in six different colors.

h. Hair Toffee, a candy that causes excessive hair growth on both hair and chin (even on women). Major side effect for consumers includes having to use landscaping equipment to maintain their hair from then on.

i. Exploding Candy.

2. Mr. Wonka has yet to release a list of ingredients for many of his concoctions, many of which could contain harmful chemicals or pose dangerous side effects, particularly to children. If Mr. Wonka fails to cooperate with us, perhaps we can purchase some of these products for chemical analysis.

 

IV. Environment

1. We are not just concerned of what is in some of Mr. Wonka’s questionable products, but also whether he is using any chemicals or is properly disposing any excess waste transported out of his factory and the potential impact they may have in the surrounding community, particularly if it is a chewing gum that turns people into blueberries. We do know his factory has an incinerator but that is as much as we know about his facility’s waste disposal.

2. We are not sure what Mr. Wonka runs his machinery on or their environmental impact on the surrounding community. All we know is that he has perhaps the largest confectionery in the world which must consume a lot of energy and perhaps water. It is unknown whether Mr. Wonka has reverted to sustainable practices.

3. We suggest we test the water in the surrounding community to see whether  Mr. Wonka’s practices have any impact on public health.

 

V. Conduct with Minors

1. A while back, Mr. Wonka staged a contest to allow five lucky children into his factory by hiding five golden tickets in his chocolate bars.

2. During the Golden Ticket Tour four of the five children were involved in some dangerous situation whether it pertained to falling into a chocolate river and getting stuck in a pipe, getting turned into a blueberry while chewing an experimental gum, falling through a gaping hole that led to a garbage incinerator, and getting shrunk by a teleporter.

3. Despite what happened to these four children, Mr. Wonka has not issued an apology for the life changing trauma they went through at his factory. Rather he states that these children were spoiled brats who refused to listen to his warnings and have nobody but themselves to blame causing some to believe he steered them in to such trouble to scare them straight.

4. Mr. Wonka has also declined to give compensation to any of these four children and their families on account that he viewed their parents as indulging to their child’s every whim and should probably try being better parents. Has been known to politely discourage others from questioning him, including the parents. The parents have decided to sue for damages.

5. Apparently, Mr. Wonka seems to be either calm or amused to see children suffer under perilous conditions whether it is through a spectromatic boat tunnel that many of the Golden Ticket Tour visitors found rather scary or all the previous fates of four children he sees as “teaching a lesson” that boundaries should be respected.

 

VI. Mr. Wonka’s Character

1. In this investigation, we find Mr. Wonka as an enigmatic figure who has a problem with transparency, has more concern for his candy than human beings, and has no regard for industrial safety procedures whatsoever. He never thinks about what he put his former workers through or any impact he has upon the local community, the environment, or public health.

2. Mr. Wonka is a very rich man has not released his financial records for several years and it is unknown whether he actually pays taxes. He also has yet to disclose the names of those who supply him with raw materials or whether he pays them. Given his reputation as a one of the richest recluses in the world, Mr. Wonka fails to realize that transparency is the rule when running an industrial establishment.

3. Mr. Wonka fails to understand that to run an industrial workplace, particularly a confectionery, maintaining a clean and safe workplace are top priorities. While it is perfectly fine for Mr. Wonka to design his workplace as a creative playground, health and safety in the workplace should always come first whether that means having guard rails, having workers wash their hands and cover their hair, and making the facility easily navigable for workers and visitors. Mr. Wonka has ignored these.

4. Mr. Wonka also does not seem to understand that all food items should be stored in sanitary conditions and free from contamination. This means that all of his confectionery ingredients should be stored in sealed containers and not exposed to the open air. Who knows what the contents in the Chocolate Room have been exposed to.

5. Mr. Wonka does not see anything wrong with child endangerment whether it pertains to his products and factory equipment. In fact, he sees nothing wrong with releasing certain products that contain potentially harmful chemicals.

6. One visitor remarked that he mentioned the word “snozzberry” during a stop pertaining to flavored wall paper. The only definition our investigation managed to find for this word was a British slang term for penis.

7. Mr. Wonka does not see any reason to have his factory or policies structured to meet confectionery regulations.

 

VII. Response

1. That in evaluating these complaints from the Golden Ticket visitors and others, we continue our thorough investigation into Mr. Wonka’s activities by inspecting the facilities in question to determine whether there is any truth behind their complaints. If their testimonies prove accurate than it is with all due respect that we give time for Mr. Wonka to meet regulations or else face criminal charges for health and safety violations, food safety violations, workplace misconduct, hiring an undocumented workforce, environmental damage, lack of transparency, and child endangerment.

2. But first it would best to notify Mr. Wonka of the charges he may be up against and our intended actions during the investigation as well as inform him on what he should do to avoid arrest. Yet, even if he does conform to workplace regulations, this does not mean he is immune to lawsuits and criminal prosecution. Also, note that he designated the lone unharmed Golden Ticket recipient as his heir who is ten years old. Thus, Mr. Wonka might have been expecting this.

College Mascots: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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Soon Back to School Season would be upon us and soon college kids will be returning to their schools. Of course, this means we’ll be upon the season for college sports such as football as you’d see on ESPN. Thus, we’ll be anticipating the return of the college mascots. These are loveable characters who’ve become personified symbols for our home teams. Whether a costumed student or a live animal, they spend their Saturday afternoons and/or evenings revving the crowd, engaging in hilarious hijinks, and on some occasions in NCAA Division I sports, beating the crap out of the other team’s mascot. Of course, my alma mater Saint Vincent College is a Division III school, Vinny the Bearcat  probably didn’t have the chance to beat up some of the other teams’ mascots, though he did launch T-shirt cannons. Yet, at least he’s a decent looking mascot despite being practically a cougar. I mean he’s fierce enough to strike fear into the other team yet cuddly enough not to make kids cry in photo ops. Nor does he cause a major embarrassment in the Saint Vincent Community. Still, I could talk all day about the great mascots and sideline heroes in college sports but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll show you the college mascots that may cause a lifetime of shame and embarrassment to the students who have to don the costumes. These mascots fail to instill any pride or excitement in the fans and have gotten mocked outright. At best, they roam anonymously on the sidelines. At worst, they are uneeded distractions with their mere existence as an excuse for an exercise in stupidity. So without further adieu, here is a collection of college mascots that probably shouldn’t be on the field.

1. Peter the Anteater- University of Irvine Anteaters

Demetri Martin once said that while it's possible to make something cool uncool, it's difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn't change the fact he's a long tongued creature that eats ants. I'm sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he'd be very a scary creature indeed, but it's not.

Demetri Martin once said that while it’s possible to make something cool uncool, it’s difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn’t change the fact he’s a long tongued creature that eats ants. I’m sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he’d be very a scary creature indeed, but it’s not.

2. Cayenne the Chili Pepper- University of Louisiana at Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he's a giant red pepper for God's sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?

Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he’s a giant red pepper for God’s sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?

3. Speedy the Geoduck- Evergreen State Geoducks

In case you don't know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should've gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.

In case you don’t know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should’ve gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.

4. Artie the Artichoke- Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes

Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a face for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn't and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a taste for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn’t and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

5. Sammy the Banana Slug- University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school's main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn't make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.

Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school’s main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn’t make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.

6. WuShock- Wichita State University Shockers

WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn't lead to people outside Wichita think that he's anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it's kind of creepy if you ask me.

WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn’t lead to people outside Wichita think that he’s anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it’s kind of creepy if you ask me.

7. The Fighting Okra- Delta State University Fighting Okra

Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that's going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.

Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that’s going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.

8. Keggy the Keg- Dartmouth University Big Green

Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent, especially if it's an ivy league college like Dartmouth?

Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent these aspects, especially if it’s an ivy league college like Dartmouth?

9. Scrotie- Rhode Island School of Design Nads

Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn't want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it.  I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I'm posting it anyway since you can't make something like this up.

Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn’t want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it. I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I’m posting it anyway since you can’t make something like this up.

10. Cy- Iowa State University Cyclones

Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don't. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Walter the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to capture the ISU spirit.

Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don’t. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Wally the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to win the fans’ hearts.

11. Puddles- University of Oregon Ducks

Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is remembered as Donald Duck's older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles' kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy,  and works for Walt Disney.

Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is best remembered as Donald Duck’s older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles’ kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy, and works for Disney.

12. Gaylord Camel- Campbell University Fighting Camels

Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be  Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell's fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.

Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell’s fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.

13. The Tree- Stanford University Cardinals

This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God's sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There's no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.

This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God’s sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There’s no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.

14. Sam the Minuteman- University of Massachusetts Minutemen

Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, "vote for me or I'll steal this baby's lollipop" than anything.

Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, “vote for me or I’ll steal this baby’s lollipop” than anything.

15. Pistol Pete- Oklahoma State University Sooners

Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State's mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese's. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn't stand Pistol Pete's drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.

Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State’s mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn’t stand Pistol Pete’s drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.

16. Goldy Gopher- University of Minnesota Goldy Gophers

On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we've all seen Caddyshack to know that they're pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children's show than a football game.

On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we’ve all seen Caddyshack to know that they’re pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children’s show than a football game.

17. Zippy Kangaroo – University of Akron Zips

Now don't get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty fierce and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn't seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would've been even more ridiculous.

Now don’t get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty unpredictable and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn’t seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would’ve been even more ridiculous.

18. Otto the Orange- University of Syracuse Orange

Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn't a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed.

Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn’t a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed. And as to how this Orange can survive in sub-zero weather probably means it was genetically modified.

19. Purdue Pete- Purdue University Boilermakers

Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?

Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?

20. Hokie Bird- Virginia Tech University Hokies

Let's face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren't known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic "other white meat" variety). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn't it?

Let’s face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren’t known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic “other white meat” variety though they aren’t pleasant). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn’t it?

21. Nittany Lion- Pennsyvania State University Nitany Lions

Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion's costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let's say the footie-pajama getup doesn't seem to help.

Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion’s costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let’s say the footie-pajama getup doesn’t seem to help. But the ladies seem to love him.

22. Big Red- Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers

What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace's long lost half-brother "represent the spirit of WKU?" Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can't decide.

What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace’s long lost half-brother “represent the spirit of WKU?” Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can’t decide.

23. Lil’ Red- University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers

Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil' Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a "21 and over" sign than a school sporting event.

Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil’ Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a “21 and over” sign than a school sporting event.

24. Brutus Buckeye- Ohio State University Buckeyes

Now hearing the name of "Brutus Buckeye" you'd think that Ohio State's mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn't even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don't live in Columbus or attended OSU.

Now hearing the name of “Brutus Buckeye” you’d think that Ohio State’s mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn’t even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don’t live in Columbus or attended OSU.

25. Oski- University of California-Berkeley Golden Bears

Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don't want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don’t want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.

26. Troll- Trinity College Trolls

Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.

Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.

27. Friar Dom- Providence College Friars

Don't get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it's a Dominican school. Yet, there's just something about Friar Dom's hollow eyes and grimacing smile that's kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.

Don’t get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it’s a Dominican school. Yet, there’s just something about Friar Dom’s hollow eyes and grimacing smile that’s kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.

28. Demon Deacon- Wake Forest University Demon Deacons

Look, if you want to have "Demon Deacons" as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster.

Look, if you want to have “Demon Deacons” as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster who’d probably get eaten by lions or trampled by elephants.

29. Rocky the Rocket- University of Toledo Rockets

Now there's nothing wrong with calling your team "the Rockets." But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?

Now there’s nothing wrong with calling your team “the Rockets.” But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?

30. The Billiken- Saint Louis University Billikens

Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.

Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair, an albino batboy or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.

31. The Fighting Pickle- University of North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles

Now what's stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his French beret and goatee, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.

Now what’s stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his Shakespearean hat and mask, French facial hair, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.

32. Kernel Cob- Concordia College Cobbers

Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can't decide.

Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, a maize monster in an alternative line of work, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can’t decide. Still, it’s pretty lame.

33. Captain Cane- University of Tulsa Hurricanes

For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he's Tulsa's mascot since he couldn't go back to work as an electrician and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.

For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he’s Tulsa’s mascot since he couldn’t go back to work as an electrical engineer and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.

34. The Blue Blob- Xavier University Musketeers

Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I'm sure Alexandre Dumas would've mentioned it in his books. Wouldn't he?

Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I’m sure Alexandre Dumas would’ve mentioned it in his books. Wouldn’t he?

35. Guntson- George Mason University Patriots

Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children's show rejected him.

Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children’s show rejected him. Of course, college mascot seems to be the alternative career path for many Sesame Street rejects for some reason.

36. The Boll Weevil- University of Arkansas -Monticello Boll Weevils

Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. Its a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.

Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. It’s a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.

37. Izzy the Islander- Texas A&M -Corpus Christi Islanders

Now I'd expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn't the whole "tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks," thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they're made out to be in the mass media.

Now I’d expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn’t the whole “tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks,” thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they’re made out to be in the mass media.

38. Gorlok- Webster University Gorloks

Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it's something Webster just made up. According to them, it's said to have a cheetah's paws, a buffalo's horn, and a Saint Bernard's. Yet, to me it reminds me of some large unknown predator on steroids.

Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it’s something Webster just made up. According to them, it’s said to have a cheetah’s paws, a buffalo’s horns, and a Saint Bernard’s face. Yet, to me it reminds me of some kind of wild feline on steroids.

39. Pete the Peacock- Upper Iowa University Peacocks

Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I'm not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women's hats is a good idea for a school mascot.

Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I’m not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women’s hats is a good idea for a school mascot. A real peacock is much more intimidating.

40. Gladys the Fighting Squirrel- Mary Baldwin College Flying Squirrels

Seriously,  this mascot seems to belong at a girls' softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls' softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn't into athletics very much.

Seriously, this mascot seems to belong at a girls’ softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls’ softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn’t into athletics very much or had their mascot chosen by 5-year old girls.

41. Joe Bruin- University of California-Los Angeles Bruins

Basically he's a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.

Basically he’s a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.

42. Super Frog- Texas Christian University Horned Frogs

Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It's the state reptile of Texas.  Yet,  TCU's Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.

Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It’s the state reptile of Texas. Yet, TCU’s Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.

43. The Leprechaun- Notre Dame University Fighting Irish

Now the "Fighting Irish" is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he's fresh off from Riverdance.

Now the “Fighting Irish” is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he’s fresh off from Riverdance.

44. Mr. Commodore- Vanderbilt University Commodores

Let's see, who's idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he's holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn't play to his specifications.

Let’s see, who’s idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he’s holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn’t play to his specifications.

45. Saluki- Southern Illinois University Salukis

Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.

Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.

46. Buzz- Georgia Institute of Technology Yellow Jackets

Now I don't know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it's that he looks too much like a bug and he's human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.

Now I don’t know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it’s that he looks too much like a bug and he’s human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.

47. The Battling Bishop- Ohio Wesleyan University Battling Bishops

Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.

Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.

48. The Penn Quaker- University of Pennsylvania Quakers

Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that's founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.

Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that’s founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.

49. Mortimer “Morty” McPestle- St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectics

For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school's mascot seems to be of a guy who's been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can't be good for him.

For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school’s mascot seems to be of a guy who’s been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can’t be good for him.

50. Sebastian the Ibis- Miami University Hurricanes

It's basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it's just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.

It’s basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it’s just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.

51. Benny the Beaver- Oregon State University Beavers

Now I don't know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.

Now I don’t know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.

52. Bucky Badger- University of Wisconsin Badgers

Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.

Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.

53. Lightning- Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders

Not to be outdone with mascot ridiculousness, MTSU basically took Tulsa’s Captain Cane and made it into a blue electric horse name Lightning. I suppose those at MTSU were either drunk or high at the time when they came up with this. Then again, MTSU’s previous mascot was Nathan Bedford Forrest so you might want to consider Lightning an improvement though he may tend to offend blue horses.

54. Willie Wave- Pepperdine University Waves

This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.

This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.

55. Austin Peay- Austin Peay State University Governors

Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.

Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.

56. John B. –Stetson University Hatters

Now he's probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.

Now he’s probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.

57. Scotty the Scotsman- Presbyterian College Blue Hose

For some reason I can't help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of think of this. I mean he's basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can't help imagining Scotty say, "They may take our ball and run with it to our side. They may deny us a chance for a championship but they'll never take our FREEEDOOOM!"

For some reason I can’t help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of this. I mean he’s basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can’t help imagining Scotty say, “They may take our ball and run with it to our side of the field. They may deny us a chance for an NCAA championship in a 50-0 game but they’ll never take our FREEEDOOOM!”

58. Gael Force One- Saint Mary’s College of California Gaels

Basically it's basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.

Basically it’s basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.

59. WebstUR- University of Richmond Spiders

That's not a spider. He's basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or a googly eyed frog with teeth.

That’s not a spider. He’s basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or one of the muppet character rejects from Sesame Street. To call that a spider is beyond me.

60. Sparky the Sun Devil- Arizona State University Sun Devils

I'm sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops, except on Halloween.

I’m sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down like a ball of fire, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops as if he’s eying his fans with malicious intent, except on Halloween.

61. The Blue Devil- Duke University Blue Devils

Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke's Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.

Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke’s Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.

62. The Mountaineer- West Virginia University Mountaineers

Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn't he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.

Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn’t he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.

63. Jonathan- University of Connecticut Huskies

Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you'd see at a furry convention. Seriously, it's an adult man in a husky costume, which isn't cute. It's creepy.

Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you’d see at a furry convention. Seriously, it’s an adult man in a husky costume, which isn’t cute. It’s creepy.

64. Testudo- University of Maryland Therapins

Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don't think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would've been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn't Maryland simply go with a crab?

Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don’t think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would’ve been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn’t Maryland simply go with a crab?

65. Paydirt Pete- University of Texas- El Paso Miners

Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.

Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.

66. Cocky- University of South Carolina Gamecocks

Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can't anyone see anything wrong with that?

Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can’t anyone see anything wrong with that?

67. Johnny Poet- Whittier College Poets

Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can't help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he's probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn't mean your mascot should be one.

Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can’t help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he’s probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn’t mean your mascot should be one.

68. YouDee – University of Delaware Fightn’ Blue Hens

Now I know Delaware's state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?

Now I know Delaware’s state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?

69. Ole- University of California-Santa Barbara Gauchos

This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!" Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.

This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!” Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.

70. R.B. Bbhoggawact-Austin Community College Riverbats

Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn't see eye to eye and had a big falling out.

Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn’t see eye to eye and had a big falling out. They haven’t spoken to each other since.

71. Ace Purple- University of Evansville Purple Aces

For some reason, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn't going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.

For some reason, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn’t going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.

72. Ephelia –Williams College Ephs

Okay, apparently Williams College's athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?

Okay, apparently Williams College’s athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?

73. The Student Prince- Heidelburg University Student Princes

Now Heidleburg's mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidleburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn't be caught dead in that.

Now Heidelburg’s mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidelburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn’t be caught dead in that.

74. Petey the Storm Petrel- Ogelthorpe University Storm Petrels

Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn't always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.

Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn’t always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.

75. Pete and Penny Penguin- Youngstown State University Penguins

Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceberg as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn't appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don't seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.

Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceburgh as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn’t appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don’t seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.

The Wonderful World of Sand Sculpture

sand_sculpture_contest_11

Summer is a time of year where many people tend to travel great length to go to the beach. Of course, many kids tend to build sandcastles with their sand toys and such. Yet, while some of them may be quite good, there are some adults who tend to take this to an art form. Sometimes they don’t even build castles since such subject matter is kids’ stuff. Nevertheless, this post is about the kind of sand sculpture that would put a lot of little kids to shame if they ever viewed their creations as having any serious artistic merit. Of course, most little kids don’t take their creations too seriously but that’s beside the point. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of sand sculptures by a lot of artists who actually did take their sand castles seriously as young kids.

 

1. Why make a sandcastle when you can create a whole sand city skyline?

Of course, I'm not sure what city or if a any urban entity has such skyline. Yet, I have to admit it's better city than what I could've created.

Of course, I’m not sure what city or if a any urban entity has such skyline. Yet, I have to admit it’s better city than what I could’ve created.

 

2. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the abode of Poseidon.

I almost thought this was a sand sculpture of Zeus on Mount Olympus until I noticed the fish. Of course, you don't want to mess with Poseidon either since he's also the god of earthquakes.

I almost thought this was a sand sculpture of Zeus on Mount Olympus until I noticed the fish. Of course, you don’t want to mess with Poseidon either since he’s also the god of earthquakes.

 

3, Of course, you can’t exclude a sand sculpture of the Bard himself.

For those who don't know that is a donkey's head for Bottom from A Midsummer's Nights Dream. It's not a prop for The Godfather, which is nowhere near a Shakespearean comedy.

For those who don’t know that is a donkey’s head for Bottom from A Midsummer’s Nights Dream. It’s not a prop for The Godfather, which is nowhere near a Shakespearean comedy.

 

4. Of course, nobody can’t skip a sand sculpture rendition of the Wallace and Gromit classic The Wrong Trousers.

Of course, the moral of The Wrong Trousers is never trust mysterious anthropomorphic penguins, especially if it wears a rubber red glove to disguise itself as a chicken.

Of course, the moral of The Wrong Trousers is never trust mysterious anthropomorphic penguins, especially if it wears a rubber red glove to disguise itself as a chicken.

 

5. A Star Trek sand sculpture can go to where sand sculpture has never gone before.

Still, this doesn't stop Spock from thinking that sand artwork is highly illogical. Of course, he thinks a lot of things are illogical.

Still, this doesn’t stop Spock from thinking that sand artwork is highly illogical. Of course, he thinks a lot of things are illogical.

 

6. Go to the beach and see Batman fight the Hulk.

I don't know about you, but I don't think a fight between Batman and the Hulk would make an exciting movie. I mean I'm sure Batman would somehow end up in the ICU with a full body cast once the Hulk is done with him.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a fight between Batman and the Hulk would make an exciting movie. I mean I’m sure Batman would somehow end up in the ICU with a full body cast once the Hulk is done with him.

 

7. We’ll always have a sand sculpture of Hollywood.

Of course, this is a sand sculpture of the climatic scene in Casablanca when Ilsa goes on that plane. Still, "Here's looking at you kid."

Of course, this is a sand sculpture of the climatic scene in Casablanca when Ilsa goes on that plane. Still, “Here’s looking at you kid.”

 

8. Yet, no sand sculpture gallery would be complete without a rendition of Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick.

Of course, this is the scene when Moby Dick takes down Captain Ahab which kind of serves the bastard right. After all, Moby Dick wasn't nearly as obsessed with meeting Ahab as Ahab was meeting him.

Of course, this is the scene when Moby Dick takes down Captain Ahab which kind of serves the bastard right. After all, Moby Dick wasn’t nearly as obsessed with meeting Ahab as Ahab was meeting him.

 

9. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you a sand sculpture of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Of course, contrary to the map, Jack Sparrow is a pirate from the Caribbean, not Boston. Yet, the artist did a hell of a job since it almost resembles the real thing.

Of course, contrary to the map, Jack Sparrow is a pirate from the Caribbean, not Boston. Yet, the artist did a hell of a job since it almost resembles the real thing.

 

10. I’m sure a giant Gollum still hasn’t gotten over losing his precious.

"We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious." Still, very artistically done but might frighten the kids.

“We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious.” Still, very artistically done but might frighten the kids.

 

11. See Leonardo Da Vinci draw his Virtruvian Man on the beach.

Of course, the reason we could tell it's Da Vinci and not an old man rising from the sand has more to do with the Virtruvian Man's inclusion.

Of course, the reason we could tell it’s Da Vinci and not an old man rising from the sand has more to do with the Virtruvian Man’s inclusion.

 

12. Of course, you have to include a sand sculpture of Darth Vader though he may be on the dark side of the Force.

Still, Darth Vader tends to be a popular subject among sand sculptors for some reason. Maybe it's due to him being such an iconic bad guy.

Still, Darth Vader tends to be a popular subject among sand sculptors for some reason. Maybe it’s due to him being such an iconic bad guy.

 

13. For you Canadians, here’s the sand sculpture for you.

Still, I'm not sure if a sand sculpture for Canada is appropriate since I'm sure the country isn't known for its beaches. I think a snow sculpture would be better.

Still, I’m not sure if a sand sculpture for Canada is appropriate since I’m sure the country isn’t known for its beaches. I think a snow sculpture would be more suitable.

 

14. Why make a sand castle when you can make a bunch of sand dinosaurs fighting each other?

Of course, I wouldn't let my kids anywhere near those Tyrannosaurs. Still, I'm sure letting your kids playing around dinosaurs isn't very responsible parental behavior even if T-rexes are awesome.

Of course, I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near those Tyrannosaurs. Still, I’m sure letting your kids playing around dinosaurs isn’t very responsible parental behavior even if T-rexes are awesome.

 

15. See a rendition of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Of course, I'm sure icy water is easier to navigate through than sand. Yet, I can see Lincoln in the background for some reason.

Of course, I’m sure icy water is easier to navigate through than sand. Yet, I can see Lincoln in the background for some reason.

 

16. See a sand sculpture involving a Pope and a winged lion.

Of course, I'm sure the Pope in the original picture just had himself put in a portrait with a winged lion to make himself seem more badass. At least I think the guy in the sculpture's a pope.

Of course, I’m sure the Pope in the original picture just had himself put in a portrait with a winged lion to make himself seem more badass. At least I think the guy in the sculpture’s a pope.

 

17. Here is a sand sculpture depicting the birth of Aphrodite rising from the sea in a clam shell.

That is, it's actually only one of the ways Aphrodite was born in Greek Mythology. Still, in this version of her birth, she didn't necessarily rise out of a clam shell. It actually out of another god's genitals cut off during a family dispute.

That is, it’s actually only one of the ways Aphrodite was born in Greek Mythology. Still, in this version of her birth, she didn’t necessarily rise out of a clam shell. It actually out of another god’s genitals cut off during a family dispute.

 

18. Dr. Sigmund Freud sometimes likes to psychoanalyze his patients at the beach.

Of course, what you don't want to hear from Dr. Freud are his psychological evaluations of Greek mythological characters. Please, don't ask.

Of course, what you don’t want to hear from Dr. Freud are his psychological evaluations of Greek mythological characters. Please, don’t ask.

 

19. Let’s see if this Lord of the Rings sand sculpture is the one to rule them all.

Of course,this sculpture only has Gollum, Gandalf, and Frodo Baggins since doing a sand sculpture of the Fellowship would've taken up the whole beach.

Of course,this sculpture only has Gollum, Gandalf, and Frodo Baggins since doing a sand sculpture of the Fellowship would’ve taken up the whole beach.

 

20. See a sand sculpture of Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid.

And here's Jackie Coogan playing the adorable little boy way before he played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Yes, Uncle Fester was once a cute little boy.

And here’s Jackie Coogan playing the adorable little boy way before he played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Yes, Uncle Fester was once a cute little boy.

 

21. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels.

Of course, many would be creeped out by the idea of being tied down on a beach by tiny people while sleeping.

Of course, many would be creeped out by the idea of being tied down on a beach by tiny people while sleeping. I mean this is what most people remember from those stories.

 

22. And now a sand sculpture of King Trident’s castle.

I don't know about you but I think Poseidon's domain was way cooler for some reason. Still, right on though.

I don’t know about you but I think Poseidon’s domain was way cooler for some reason. Still, right on though.

 

23. Why have a sand castle while you can create a sand dragon?

I'm sure the woman in the sculpture knows what I'm talking about. Though I'd be worry about her since dragons aren't really that nice.

I’m sure the woman in the sculpture knows what I’m talking about. Though I’d be worry about her since dragons aren’t really that nice.

 

24. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Of course, I'm not sure if it's either Mayan or Aztec. Then again, it almost resembles what would be found at a real site.

Of course, I’m not sure if it’s either Mayan or Aztec. Then again, it almost resembles what would be found at a real site.

 

25. Of course, you can’t leave the beach until you’ve seen a sand sculpture depicting the Last Supper.

Still, despite being very close to the tide, this is actually quite good. Too bad it will be washed away though.

Still, despite being very close to the tide, this is actually quite good. Too bad it will be washed away though.

 

26. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The reason why I know this is because of Dobby's presence and Ron's broken wand. However, what I have to ask is where's Harry Potter in this?

The reason why I know this is because of Dobby’s presence and Ron’s broken wand. However, what I have to ask is where’s Harry Potter in this?

 

27. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the sand sculpture rendition of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, if you see a rendition of the Taj Mahal, you'll get the idea of India. Yet, you need to hear the story behind it.

Of course, if you see a rendition of the Taj Mahal, you’ll get the idea of India. Yet, you need to hear the story behind it.

 

28. And here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Jurassic Park.

So the moral of this movie is that cloning dinosaurs for tourism is a very bad idea. Reason is demonstrated here.

So the moral of this movie is that cloning dinosaurs for tourism is a very bad idea. Reason is demonstrated here.

 

29. Now here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Noah’s Ark.

Of course if it weren't for the ark in the background, you would've assumed it was a take off on the creatures of Africa.

Of course if it weren’t for the ark in the background, you would’ve assumed it was a take off on the creatures of Africa.

 

30. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican pyramid temple.

Of course, if you want to know if it's Mayan or Aztec, see who gets sacrificed there. Mayans take nobles while Aztecs take anyone they captured. Also, if it's a temple to Quetzalcoatl, no humans will be sacrificed there at all.

Of course, if you want to know if it’s Mayan or Aztec, see who gets sacrificed there. Mayans take nobles while Aztecs take anyone they captured. Also, if it’s a temple to Quetzalcoatl, no humans will be sacrificed there at all.

 

31. Now here is a giant sand sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, I'm sure spending a lot of time creating this statue isn't really an enlightened activity to some people.

Of course, I’m sure spending a lot of time creating this statue isn’t really an enlightened activity to some people.

 

32. Here is a sandy rendition of the Syndey Opera House.

Of course, this is probably one of the more famous buildings in Australia if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is probably one of the more famous buildings in Australia if you know what I mean.

 

33. Finally, a sand sculpture tribute to the Harry Potter series.

At least this one has Harry and a lot of the major characters as well as Hogwarts itself. Then again, where's Dumbledore?

At least this one has Harry and a lot of the major characters as well as Hogwarts itself. Then again, where’s Dumbledore and Hagrid?

 

34. To remember our troops, here is a sand sculpture of the famous photo from Iwo Jima.

Of course, if you've seen Flags of Our Fathers, what happened to the guys in the photo wasn't pretty. This is particularly with Ira Hayes.

Of course, if you’ve seen Flags of Our Fathers, what happened to the guys in the photo wasn’t pretty. This is particularly with Ira Hayes.

 

35. Here’s a sand sculpture of a rock star having a good old time.

Nevertheless, the song he played was "Enter the Sandman." Get it?

Nevertheless, the song he played was “Enter the Sandman.” Get it?

 

36. A great sand sculpture dedication of Mount Rushmore.

Of course, it has the rare distinction of being one of America's most iconic monuments while still managing to offend the Native Americans living near it.

Of course, it has the rare distinction of being one of America’s most iconic monuments while still managing to offend the Native Americans living near it.

 

37. Here is a sand sculpture of Michelangelo’s Pieta.

Of course, it's not quite like the Michelangelo sculpture but it'll have to do for this beach. Also, pretty close to the tide.

Of course, it’s not quite like the Michelangelo sculpture but it’ll have to do for this beach. Also, pretty close to the tide.

 

38. And now, a sand sculpture rendition of the Great Sphnix.

Still, don't know whatever happened to his nose? Probably had something to do with erosion or something.

Still, don’t know whatever happened to his nose. Probably had something to do with erosion or something.

 

39. Here is a sand sculpture of Romeo and Juliet.

"Uh, Romeo, she's not dead honestly. And, Juliet, just wake up already before he poisons himself already!" Seriously how can we view two teenagers making such rash decisions due to raging hormones as romantic?

“Uh, Romeo, she’s not dead honestly. And, Juliet, just wake up already before he poisons himself already!” Seriously how can we view two teenagers making such rash decisions due to raging hormones as romantic?

 

40. Finally a sand monument to Walt and Mickey in sand.

On second thought, we have to accept that Walt Disney was kind of a scheming bastard while Mickey can be quite creepy.

On second thought, we have to accept that Walt Disney was kind of a scheming bastard while Mickey can be quite creepy.

 

41. And now to commemorate the Rio Olympics, here’s a sand sculpture of Rio de Janiero’s Christ the Redeemer.

Of course, I would've done this post during the World Cup but I was busy with other things at the time.

Of course, I would’ve done this post during the World Cup but I was busy with other things at the time.

 

42. Ladies and gentlemen,  I bring you the Beatles.

Paul: "What's the matter with him?" John: "Don't know. Probably come down with a bad case of Bieber Fever."

Paul: “What’s the matter with him?”
John: “Don’t know. Probably come down with a bad case of Bieber Fever.”

 

43. May I present to you, Harley Davidson’s wild hogs.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don't crash and end up crsipy bacon.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don’t crash, burn and end up crsipy bacon.

 

44. Of course, you have to have a sand sculpture of the Ten Commandments.

Of course, you can follow the Ten Commandments to the letter all your life and still be a shitty person. Also, I'm not posting this as a statement of religion. It's just for artistic merit. By the way, these aren't the Ten Commandments I learned in religion class anyway.

Of course, you can follow the Ten Commandments to the letter all your life and still be a shitty person. Also, I’m not posting this as a statement of religion. It’s just for artistic merit. By the way, these aren’t the Ten Commandments I learned in religion class anyway.

 

45. And now, a sand sculpture of the Greek gods on Mount Olympus.

Of course, in the world of mythology, this bunch is one of the most powerful jerks you'll ever meet.

Of course, in the world of mythology, this bunch is one of the most powerful jerks you’ll ever meet, especially Zeus. I mean most of the problems in Greek mythology are caused by Zeus not being able to keep it in his pants.

 

46. Of course, this castle has seen better days.

Yet, it's still much more amazing than a sand castle that I could ever build.

Yet, it’s still much more amazing than a sand castle that I could ever build.

 

47. There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

Of course, contrary to the nursery rhyme all her children had gone by now. And she's basically living in it with her cat.

Of course, contrary to the nursery rhyme all her children had gone by now. And she’s basically living in it with her cat.

 

48. Man, I wonder if there could be a place like this in real life.

Nevertheless, this sand sculpture design is rather impressive.

Nevertheless, this sand sculpture design is rather impressive. I sure couldn’t do that.

 

49. And now a sand sculpture of Marilyn Monroe from The Seven Year Itch.

Of course, this image was on a lot young men's bedroom walls in the 1950s, though considered risque at the time.

Of course, this image was on a lot young men’s bedroom walls in the 1950s, though considered risque at the time.

 

50. Finally, a sand sculpture of the Statue of Liberty.

She seems more lively than the real thing in New York Harbor. Then again, she doesn't get much leeway in metal though.

She seems more lively than the real thing in New York Harbor. Then again, she doesn’t get much leeway in metal though.

In These United States: Part 5 – South Dakota to Wyoming

Of course, this is my final post pertaining to these United States because we’re down to the final ten. Of course, for those upset at me for not including Puerto Rico and Washington D. C., they would probably have to be under a post of US Territories and Districts which I’m not willing to do right now mostly because I can’t really find many celebrities from Guam or American Samoa. In this selection, I’ll cover the states from South Dakota to Wyoming in this final installment. First, we have South Dakota, home to Mount Rushmore and a lot nasty clashes with Indians including the Wounded Knee Massacre. Second, on to Tennessee best known for the Grand ole Opry in Nashville and Graceland in Memphis as well as the site of the Scopes Monkey Trial and the Martin Luther King Jr. assassination. Third, comes the large state of Texas where everything’s bigger they say as well as known for their cowboy culture, the Alamo, and executing more convicts than any other state in America. After that, we have Utah famous for a lot of natural wonders and Mormons. Well, mostly Mormons to put it mildly. Then there’s Vermont, known for the Green Mountains, Ben & Jerry, and a lot of ski resorts. Next, it’s on to Virginia home to a lot of America’s Founding Fathers, presidential mansions, a lot of Civil War battlefields, Williamsburg, and where my sister goes to college. After that, we go to Washington best known for the Space Needle, Grand Coolie Dam, Starbucks, Microsoft, Mt. Saint Helens, grunge music, and Mount Rainier. Then we have West Virginia the site of John Brown’s attack on Harper’s Ferry that left his body a moldering in his grave as well as for its notorious coal industry that has led to mountaintop removal, air and water pollution, mining disasters, and other things turn this state into a hazardous environmental disaster area. Next, it’s on to Wisconsin famous for its dairy industry and being the birthplace of American Beer as well as home to that one troublesome senator. And no, I don’t mean Russ Feingold over campaign financing. In fact, it’s Joe McCarthy himself who led a mass witch hunt on alleged Communists and has a mass 1950s Red Scare that bears his name. Finally, it’s off to Wyoming, a sparsely populated state that’s home to one of America’s most famous National Parks, Yellowstone.

41. South Dakota

South Dakota's Mount Rushmore is one of America's most iconic National sites. However, while most Americans see Guzton Borglum's work as the main reason they go there, it's not without its share of controversy. Rather a lot of members of the Lakota Sioux tribe view the idea of carving four presidents into a sacred site of theirs as desecration a holy shrine.

South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore is one of America’s most iconic National sites. However, while most Americans see Guzton Borglum’s work as the main reason they go there, it’s not without its share of controversy. Rather a lot of members of the Lakota Sioux tribe view the idea of carving four presidents into a sacred site of theirs as desecration a holy shrine.

Abbreviation: SD
Nickname: “Coyote State,” “Mount Rushmore State”
Capital: Pierre
Largest City: Sioux Falls
Entered Union: November 2, 1889
Bird: Chinese Ring-Necked Pheasant
Flower: Pasqueflower
Tree: Black Hills Spruce

Celebrities: Bob Barker, Black Elk, Tom Brokaw, Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, Tom Daschle, Mary Hart, George McGovern, January Jones, Mary GrandPre, Russell Means, Red Cloud, Hubert H. Humphrey, Ernest O. Lawrence, Gary Owens, Pat O’Brien, Wild Bill Hickok, Calamity Jane

Sports Teams: South Dakota Coyotes (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Mound builders, Arikara, Yankton Sioux, Dakota, Mandan, and Sioux. Inhabited for several thousand years at least.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Lewis and Clark Expedition, Indian Wars, Ghost Dance, Wounded Knee Massacre, and others.

Often Associated With: Mount Rushmore, coyotes, North by Northwest, Rocky Mountains, Plains Indians, Missouri River, mountains, mining, gold rushes, Lutherans, Scandinavians, Rapid City, Black Hills, Deadwood, cowboys, Badlands National Park, Keystone, Harney Peak, Hot Springs, Wind Cave, Deadwood, Jewel Cave, Great Lakes of South Dakota, Reptile Gardens, Chapel in the Hills, Bear Country USA, Great Plains Zoo, coyotes, cattle ranching, farming, Wounded Knee

42. Tennessee

Tennessee is home to the Sun Records Studio in Memphs which was the place where a lot of very influential 1950s musicians that would lay the foundations of late 20th century rock n' roll. Notable artists include Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash,  Roy Orbison, Carl Perkins, and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Tennessee is home to the Sun Records Studio in Memphs which was the place where a lot of very influential 1950s musicians that would lay the foundations of late 20th century rock n’ roll. Notable artists include Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Carl Perkins, and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Abbreviation: TN
Nickname: “Volunteer State”
Capital: Nashville
Largest City: Memphis
Entered Union: June 1, 1796
Bird: Mockingbird
Flower: Iris
Tree: Tulip

Celebrities: Andrew Jackson, Davy Crockett, Andrew Johnson, Elvis Presley, Al Gore, Michael Oher, Kenney Chesney, David Farragut, Aretha Franklin, Dolly Parton, Alex Haley, Minnie Pearl, James Knox Polk, Wilma Rudolph, Dinah Shore, Bessie Smith, Justin Timberlake, Fred Thompson, Tina Turner, Alvin York, James Agee, Roy Acuff, Duane and Greg Allman, Chet Atkins, Kathy Bates, Bill Belichick, Pat Boone, Hattie Carraway, June Carter Cash, Roseanne Cash, John Cullum, Lester Flatt, Ric Flair, Nathan Bedford Forrest, Morgan Freeman, Sam Houston, Samuel L. Jackson, Delbert Mann, Cormac McCarthy, Michael McDonald, Patricia Neal, Bettie Page, Chris Parnell, Carl Perkins, Leonidas Polk, Pat Robertson, Sequoyah, Cybill Shepherd, Lynn Swann, Quentin Tarantino, Usher, Sonny Boy Williamson, Reese Witherspoon

Sports Teams: Tennessee Titans (NFL), Memphis Grizzlies (NBA), Nashville Predators (NHL), and Tennessee Volunteers (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture later Creek, Yuchi, Choctaw, Chickasaw, and Cherokee. Kicked out due to 1830s Indian Removal. May have been inhabited 20,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: Northwest Territory, American Revolution, Trail of Tears, saw a lot of Civil War Battles like Fort Donelson, Shiloh, Chickamauga, and Chattanooga, Sultana disaster and Great Train Wreck of 1918, Scopes Trial, TVA, a major hot spot for the Civil Rights Movement and saw the King Assassination, and others.

Often Associated With: Grand Ole Opry, Dollywood, Nashville, Elvis, Graceland, the Civil Rights Movement, country music, Great Smoky Mountains, poverty, heartless state government, Southern Unionists, rednecks, Appalachia, moonshiners, creationism vs. evolution controversies, Bible Belt, Blue Ridge Mountains, Chattanooga, Shiloh, Trail of Tears, Christian jerkasses, Oak Ridge, Cumberland Gap, mosque “controversies,” racism, Knoxville, Lookout Mountain, Murfeesboro, blues, FedEx, AutoZone, loose gun laws, NASCAR racing, Mississippi River, rock n’ roll, conservatism, Sergeant York, The Blindside, bluegrass, Big South Fork, cotton, slavery, Tennessee River, TVA, Shiloh, Ruby Falls, Sweetwater, Lost Sea, Columbia, The Hermitage, Belle Meade Plantation, Parthenon replica, Pigeon Forge, Henning, Casey Jones Village, Bristol Motor Speedway, “The Tennessee Waltz,” Iroquois Steeplechase, Ryman Auditorium, Sun Records

43. Texas

“Remember the Alamo” is an often repeated catch phrase in Texas legend. Yet, nevertheless, this San Antonio icon has gone down in history as the place where Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie along with 600 Texans met their deaths to the Mexican Army after a 13 day siege during the Texas Revolution. Of course, the reason why we know so much about the Alamo in the US is that Texas is a big influential market in the American textbook trade so most textbook companies try to curry favor to them in this fashion.

Abbreviation: TX
Nickname: “Lone Star State”
Capital: Austin
Largest City: Houston
Entered Union: December 29, 1845
Bird: Mockingbird
Flower: Bluebonnet
Tree: Pecan

Celebrities: LBJ, Bill Moyers, Owen and Luke Wilson, George W. Bush, George H. W. Bush, Willie Nelson, Kinky Friedman, Lance Armstrong, Sam Houston, Stephen F. Austin, Carol Burnett, James Bowie, Howard Hughes, Tommy Lee Jones, Janis Joplin, Beyonce, Matthew McConaughey, Ross Perot, Katherine Ann Porter, Dan Rather, Sandra Day O’Connor, Joan Crawford, Babe Zaharis, Sissy Spacek, George Strait, Jesse Chisolm, John Bell Hood, Doris Miller, Chester Nimitz, Audie Murphy, Oliver North, Jeb Bush, Laura Bush, Miriam “Ma” Ferguson, Ima Hogg, Barbara Jordan, W. Lee “Pappy” O’Daniel, Ken Starr, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Melinda Gates, Lady Bird Johnson, Cyd Charisse, Bebe Daniels, Ginger Rogers, Tila Tequila, F. Murray Abraham, Dana Andrews, Wes Anderson, Tex Avery, Don Bluth, Gary Busey, Kat Capshaw, Thomas Haden Church, Chris Cooper, Jennifer Garner, Larry Hagman, Farrah Fawcett, Woody Harrelson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jamie Foxx, Greer Garson, Melora Hardin, Randy and Dennis Quaid, Debbie Reynolds, Bill Paxton, Ethan Hawke, Ted Healy, Katherine Helmond, Sherman Helmsley, Michelle Rodriguez, Brent Spiner, Patrick Swayze, Sharon Tate, Eva Longoria, Terrence Malick, Rip Torn, Steve Martin, Forrest Whittaker, Renee Zellweger, Tom Mix, Pola Negri, Chuck Norris, Lee Pace, Jim Parsons, Aaron Spelling, King Vidor, Isaiah Washington, Peter Weller, JoBeth Williams, Dooley Wilson, Robin Wright, Wyatt Cenac, Bill Hicks, Gene Autry, Buddy Holly, T-Bone Burnett, Waylon Jennings, Kelly Clarkson, Scott Joplin, Jimmy Dean, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Mathis, Steve Earle, Meat Loaf, Roy Orbison, Kenny Rogers, Woody Guthrie, Jessica Simpson, Stephen Stills, Don Henley, Usher, Vanilla Ice, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Norah Jones, Edgar Winter, Michael Nesmith, Phil Ochs, Buck Owens, Billy Preston, Tex Ritter, Boz Scaggs, Barry White, Roger Clemens, Robert Griffin III, Casey Hampton, Aaron Ross, Vince Young, Tara Lipinski, Michael Dell, Carly Fiorina, Charles Goodnight, Bette Nesmith Graham, T. Boone Pickens, Roy Bean, Patricia Highsmith, Walter Cronkite, Sam Donaldson, Molly Ivins, Jim Lehrer, Stone Phillips, Gail Borden, Jack Kilby, Rick Husband, Wiley Post, Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, Mark David Chapman, John Wesley Hardin, John Hinckley Jr., Jack Ruby, Belle Starr, Karen Silkwood, Abraham Zapruder, ZZ Top

Sports Teams: Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans (NFL), Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Rockets (NBA), Texas Rangers and Houston Astros (MLB), Dallas Stars (NHL), Baylor Bears, Texas Longhorns, TCU Horned Frogs, Texas Tech Red Raiders, Texas A&M Aggies, Houston Cougars, and SMU Mustangs (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Coahuiltecan, Karankawa, Caddo, Jumano, Apache, Wichita, Comanche, Choctaw, Kickapoo, Kiowa, Alabama, Coushatta, Hasinai, Jumano, Cherokee, and Tonkawa. May have been inhabited for at least 12,000 years.

Best Known Moments: War of Texas Independence, Mexican American War, oil boom, Dust Bowl, Kennedy assassination, and others.

Often Associated With: conservatism, executions, cowboys, rednecks, big hair, rednecks, undocumented immigrants, Houston, Dallas, Friday Night Lights, country music, Mexicans, poverty, oppressive law enforcement, chili, the Alamo, San Antonio, El Paso, Baptists, Bible Belt, televangelists, racism, high school football, Dallas, oil, natural gas, Corpus Christi, slavery, cattle ranching, Longhorns, Texas accents, Cowboys fans, suburbs, farming, Fort Worth, megachurches, Spanish Missions, Dell, desert, cacti, multiculturalism, slavery, cotton, “Remember the Alamo,” drought, wildfires, millionaires in cowboy hats and boots, Rio Grande, global warming denial, “Don’t Mess with Texas,” loose gun laws, jerkass school boards, NASCAR racing, “Everything is Bigger in Texas,” egotistical political idiots, weirdos, crime, vultures, coyotes, Johnson Space Center, governors under indictment, Six Flags over Texas, Bernie, San Antonio Missions, Ft. Worth Zoo, Padre Island, Lubbock, Sweetwater, Amarillo, Johnson City, destructive fertilizer plant explosions, San Jacinto, Arlington, prairie, grassland, Big Bend, Sam Rayburn Reservoir, Palo Duro Canyon, Steinhagen Reservoir, Austin City Limits, cattle skulls, Galveston, gushing oil wells, high incarceration, drought, Big oil companies, breakfast burrito, heart attack inducing food

44. Utah

Utah's most famous national Park is none other than Zion with its most prominent feature 15 mile long Zion Canyon. Since it lies at the junction of the Mojave Desert, Colorado Plateau, the park's unique geography provides for lovely scenery and numerous plant and animal diversity in its four life zones.

Utah’s most famous national Park is none other than Zion with its most prominent feature 15 mile long Zion Canyon. Since it lies at the junction of the Mojave Desert, Colorado Plateau, the park’s unique geography provides for lovely scenery and numerous plant and animal diversity in its four life zones.

Abbreviation: UT
Nickname: “Beehive State”
Capital: Salt Lake City
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: January 4, 1896
Bird: Sea Gull
Flower: Sego Lily
Tree: Blue Spruce, Quaking Aspen

Celebrities: Brigham Young, George W. Romney, the Osmonds, Maude Adams, Butch Cassidy, Philo T. Farnsworth, J. Willard Marriot, Loretta Young, Hal Asby, Roseanne Barr, Don Bluth, Orrin Hatch, Joe Hill, Ken Jennings, Jewel (Kilcher), Karl Rove, James Woods, Orson Scott Card, Elizabeth Smart, Wallace Stegner

Sports Teams: Utah Jazz (NBA), BYU Cougars, Utah State Aggies, and Utah Utes (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Ute, Gosiute, Southern Paiute, Navajo, Anasazi, Fremont, and Shosone.

Best Known Moments: Mexican-American War, Mormon settlement, saw completion of Transcontinental Railroad, Indian Wars, and others.

Often Associated With: Great Salt Lake, Zion National Park, Mormons, Salt Lake City, prudes, polygamous communities, Bryce Canyon, Rainbow Bridge, Arches, Flaming Gorge, whiteness, conservatism, skiing, wilderness, Rocky Mountains, creepy clean cut people, Book of Mormon, snow, Sundance Film Festival, Utah Olympic Park, Continental Divide, Lake Powell, Capitol Reef, Timpanogos Cave, Natural Bridges, Temple Square

45. Vermont

Vermont’s Hildene was a summer home for Abraham Lincoln’s son Robert Todd which he had built by 1905 in Manchester. His descendents would occupy this huge 412 acre estate until 1975. Yet, restoration has begun in 1978 and it has become a site to see. For New England brides who have a love for Honest Abe and a large wedding budget, this is the wedding venue for you.

Abbreviation: VT
Nickname: “Green Mountain State”
Capital: Montpelier
Largest City: Burlington
Entered Union: March 4, 1791
Bird: Hermit Thrush
Flower: Red Clover
Tree: Sugar Maple

Celebrities: Chester A. Arthur, Ethan Allen, John Dewey, Howard Dean, Stephen A. Douglas, James Fisk, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Calvin Coolidge, Pearl S. Buck, Ted Bundy, John Deere, George Dewey, Phineas Gage, Felicity Huffman, John Irving, Bob Keeshan, Melissa Leo, Sinclair Lewis, Elisha Otis, Annie Proulx, Norman Rockwell, Rudy Vallee, Henry Wells, Jody Williams, Bill W., Robert Todd Lincoln

Sports Teams: UVM Catamounts (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Abenaki and Mahican. May have been inhabited 10,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: French and Indian War, the capture of Fort Ticonderoga during the American Revolution, and others.

Often Associated With: hippies, dairy, farming, liberals, hipsters, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, Green Mountains, gorgeous scenery, New England, maple syrup, organic farming, tree huggers, fancy foods, King Arthur Flour, NASCAR racing, skiing, snow, whiteness, Burlington, Woodstock, Stowe, Manchester, Killington ski resort, Burke Mountain Ski Area, Bennington Battle Monument, Waterbury, Shelburne Farms, Proctor, ice fishing, Bolton Valley, Smuggler’s Notch, Mad River Glen, Stowe Mountain, Suicide Six, Mount Snow, Bromley, Magic Mountain Ski Area, Jay Peak, Sugarbrush, hiking, bears, wild turkey, hunting, Hildene

46. Virginia

Virginia's Mount Vernon was George Washington's plantation home. Though Washington didn't become the estate's sole owner till he was in his late twenties, he actually designed the mansion himself in the Palladian style in stages between 1758 to 1778. And yes, he was laying out plans during the American Revolution. Still, you thought Jefferson was the only president to design his own house did you?

Virginia’s Mount Vernon was George Washington’s plantation home. Though Washington didn’t become the estate’s sole owner till he was in his late twenties, he actually designed the mansion himself in the Palladian style in stages between 1758 to 1778. And yes, he was laying out plans during the American Revolution. Still, you thought Jefferson was the only president to design his own house did you?

Abbreviation: VA
Nickname: “Old Dominion”
Capital: Richmond
Largest City: Virginia Beach
Entered Union: June 25, 1788
Bird: Cardinal
Flower: Dogwood
Tree: Dogwood

Celebrities: George Washington, Pocahontas, John Marshall, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Woodrow Wilson, William Henry Harrison, George Mason, Jerry Falwell, Arthur Ashe, Sandra Bullock, Richard E. Byrd, Henry Clay, Gabby Douglas, Katie Couric, Patrick Henry, Robert E. Lee, A. P. Hill, Merriwether Lewis and William Clark, George Rogers Clark, George Pickett, Edgar Allan Poe, John Randolph, Walter Reed, Pat Robertson, J. E. B. Stuart, Zachary Taylor, John Tyler, Booker T. Washington, L. Douglas Wilder, Ellen Glasgow, William Styron, Dave Matthews, Jason Mraz, the Carter Family, Missy Elliot, Pharrell Williams, V. C. Andrews, Stephen F. Austin, Nathaniel Bacon, Ronnie and Tiki Barber, Pat Benatar, Connie Britton, Chris Brown, Mika Brzezinski, Patsy Cline, Adrian Cronauer, Jimmy Dean, James Farrior, Roberta Flack, Ella Fitzgerald, David Grohl, Benjamin Harrison V, Richard Henry Lee, “Light Horse Harry” Lee, Sam Houston, Allen Iverson, Wayne LaPierre, Shirley MacLaine, Warren Beatty, John McCain, Heath Miller, Patton Oswalt, Chief Powhatan, Edmund Randolph, R. J. Reynolds, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Mark Ruffalo, Bob Saget, Rick Santorum, Ed Schultz, George C. Scott, Winfield Scott, Henry Thomas, Kate Smith, Margaret Sullavan, Mike Tomlin, Nat Turner, Michael and Marcus Vick, Gene Vincent, Maggie L. Walker, George Wythe, Dave Matthews Band

Sports Teams: Virginia Cavaliers, Virginia Tech Hokies, VCU Rams, VMI Keydets, Richmond Spiders, Virginia State Trojans, and George Mason Patriots (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Cherokee, Susquehanna, Nottoway, and Merrihen. Upon the founding of Jamestown, there was a huge confederacy under Chief Powhatan.

Best Known Moments: Founding of Jamestown in 1607, Bacon’s Rebellion, one of the original 13 Colonies, saw a lot of action in the American Revolution, Nat Turner’s Rebellion, Richmond served as capital of the Confederacy, saw a lot of battles during the Civil War, Loving v. Virginia, and the Virginia Tech shooting.

Often Associated With: rich people, slavery, Southern hospitality, tobacco, plantations, presidential mansions, presidents sleeping with slaves, beaches, Confederate nostalgia, Arlington National Cemetery, Norfolk, Richmond, the Pentagon, a lot of celebrities from American history, birthplace of 8 presidents, Chesapeake Bay, Williamsburg, William & Mary, Virginia Tech, the Civil Rights Movement, intellectuals, Colonial America, Mount Vernon, Monticello, Blue Ridge Mountains, Appalachia, Montpelier, a lot of Founding Fathers, Charlottesville, Petersburg, Bull Run, Shenandoah, Appomattox Courthouse, Civil War reenactors, Yorktown, Alexandria, Fredericksburg, Potomac River, Fairfax

47. Washington

Washington's Mt. Rainier is a massive 14, 411 ft high stratavolcano the most topographically prominent mountain in the contiguous 48 states in the US. Listed as a Decade Volcano and one of the most dangerous in the world which can produce potential lahars that would make any destruction caused by the 1980 eruption of Mt. Saint Helens seem  rather mild by comparison.

Washington’s Mt. Rainier is a massive 14, 411 ft high stratavolcano the most topographically prominent mountain in the contiguous 48 states in the US. Listed as a Decade Volcano and one of the most dangerous in the world which can produce potential lahars that would make any destruction caused by the 1980 eruption of Mt. Saint Helens seem rather mild by comparison.

Abbreviation: WA
Nickname: “Evergreen State”
Capital: Olympia
Largest City: Seattle
Entered Union: November 11, 1889
Bird: Willow Goldfinch
Flower: Western Rhododendron
Tree: Western Hemlock

Celebrities: Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Glenn Beck, Bing Crosby, Jimi Hendrix, Gary Larson, Edward R. Murrow, Hilary Swank, Adam West, Sherman Alexie, Bob Barker, Ted Bundy, Dyan Cannon, Orson Scott Card, Raymond Carver, Carol Channing, James Caviezel, Kurt Cobain, Judy Collins, Merce Cunningham, John Elway, Frances Farmer, Bryan Fuller, Kenny G, Melissa Harris-Perry, Burl Ives, Chuck Jones, Quincy Jones, Richard Karn, Hank Ketcham, Amanda Knox, Gypsy Rose Lee, Gary Locke, Kenny Loggins, Brandon Lee, Macklemore, Dave Matthews, Darren McGavin, Rose McGowan, Craig T. Nelson, Apolo Ohno, Robert Osbourne, Chuck Palahnuik, Chris Pratt, John Ratzenberger, Dan Savage, Chief Seattle, Tom Skerritt, Alex Smith, Rick Steves, Robert Stroud, Blair Underwood, Eddie Vedder, Brian Urlacher, Ann and Nancy Wilson, Robert Young

Sports Teams: Seattle Seahawks (NFL), Seattle Mariners (MLB), Washington Huskies, and Washington State Cougars (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Clovis culture and later Nez Perce, Spokane, Yakima, Cayuse, Okanogan, Walla Walla, Chinook, Nisqually, Collville, Noosak, Callam, Makah, Quinault, and Puyallup. May have been inhabited as early as 11,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: Lewis and Clark Expedition, part of Oregon Territory, site of many dam projects during the Great Depression, eruption of Mt. St. Helens, and violent WTO street protests.

Often Associated With: Grand Cooley Dam, Mt. Rainer, Mt. St. Helens, volcanoes, Cascade Range, sandlands, Starbucks, Space Needle, Asians, Fraiser, Seattle, Twilight, Tacoma, Spokane, grunge, Microsoft, hipsters, hippies, tree huggers, Vancouver, Northwest Indians, New Agers, multiculturalism, Puget Sound, violent WTO street protests, geographic confusion, pot, legalized euthanasia, evergreen trees, whale watching, Olympic National Park, stoners, intellectuals, weirdos, skiing, Amazon, totem poles

48. West Virginia

West Virginia's most famous site is the Glade Creek Gristmill which was built in 1976 by combining parts of three other West Virginia Mills as well as serves as a replica of the original nearby Cooper's Mill. It's described as a living, working monument to the more than 500 mills that were once located throughout the state.

West Virginia’s most famous site is the Glade Creek Gristmill which was built in 1976 by combining parts of three other West Virginia Mills as well as serves as a replica of the original nearby Cooper’s Mill. It’s described as a living, working monument to the more than 500 mills that were once located throughout the state.

Abbreviation: WV
Nickname: “Mountain State”
Capital: Charleston
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: June 20, 1863
Bird: Cardinal
Flower: Big Rhododendron
Tree: Sugar Maple

Celebrities: Homer Hickam, Stonewall Jackson, Robert Byrd, Henry Louis Gates Jr., Brad Paisley, Walter Reuther, Chuck Yeager, Don Knotts, Jack Dempsey, Randy Moss, Ted Cassidy, John Corbett, Virginia Fox, Jennifer Garner, Chris Sarandon, Morgan Spurlock, Bill Withers, Frank Yankovic, Patrick Gass, Herbert Morrison, Booker T. Washington, Rick Santorum, John Forbes Nash, John Henry, Anna Jarvis, Nancy Hanks, Sid Hatfield, Mother Jones, Jessica Lynch, Lynndie England, Frank Buckles

Sports Teams: WVU Mountaineers and Marshall Thundering Herd (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Sparsely populated and mainly used for hunting grounds though mound building culture and other tribes did reside like the Adena.

Best Known Moments: Part of Virginia, saw John Brown’s raid on Harper’s Ferry, split from Virginia to join the Union during the Civil War, and the Matewan strike.

Often Associated With: John Denver, rednecks, couch burnings, mountaintop removal, environmental destruction, water pollution, hillbillies, Harper’s Ferry, WVU, Southern Unionists, “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” racism, unions, Matewan, October Sky, coal mining, We Are Marshall, deadly mining disasters, Appalachia, poverty, Wheeling, Morgantown, National Radio Astronomy Observatory, trailer parks, chemical spills, future Superfund sites, Berkeley Springs, White Sulphur Springs, Greenbriar Resort, Seneca Rocks, New River Gorge, Monongahela National Forest, Charleston, Beckley Exhibition Coal Mine, Williamstown, Mountain State Forest Festival, Elkins, railroads, Glade Creek Grist Mill, undrinkable water

49. Wisconsin

Wisconsin is well known for its dairy industry and leads the nation in cheese production. Thus, its no wonder that Green Bay Packers fans wear cheese hats for their team's games or that they're known as "cheeseheads."

Wisconsin is well known for its dairy industry and leads the nation in cheese production. Thus, its no wonder that Green Bay Packers fans wear cheese hats for their team’s games or that they’re known as “cheeseheads.”

Abbreviation: WI
Nickname: “Badger State”
Capital: Madison
Largest City: Milwaukee
Entered Union: May 29, 1848
Bird: American Robin
Flower: Wood Violet
Tree: Sugar Maple

Celebrities: Joseph McCarthy, Robert La Follette Sr., Golda Meir, Paul Ryan, Russ Feingold, Don Ameche, Carrie Chapman Catt, Edna Ferber, Willem Defoe, Liberace, Georgia O’Keefe, Pat O’Brien (actor), Danica Patrick, Les Paul, Deke Slayton, Spencer Tracy, Orson Welles, Thornton Wilder, Frank Lloyd Wright, Tammy Baldwin, Ron Kovic, Ellen Raskin, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Arthur, Walter, and William Davidson, King C. Gillette, Chris Gardner, William S. Harley, Valentin Blatz, Frederick Miller, Frederick Pabst, Joseph Schlitz, Jack Carson, Brian Donlevy, Chris Farley, Howard Hawks, Harry Houdini, Fred MacMurray, Frederic March, Nicholas Ray, Gena Rowlands, Mark Ruffalo, Tony Shalhoub, Zack Snyder, Jane Kaczmarek, Frank Caliendo, Al Jarreau, Pee Wee King, Steve Miller, Stephen Ambrose, Franklin Jackson Turner, Billy Mitchell, Callista Gingrich, Reince Priebus, Frances Willard, Cardinal Raymond Leo Burke, Jim Lovell, Mike Webster, Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles J. Guiteau, Arthur Bremer, Ed Gein, Aldo Leopold

Sports Teams: Green Bay Packers (NFL), Milwaukee Brewers (MLB), Milwaukee Bucks (NBA), Marquette Golden Eagles, Wisconsin Badgers, and Milwaukee Panthers (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Ojibwa, Menominee, Kickapoo, Sauk, Fox, Ioway, Ho-Chunk, and Potawatomi. May have been inhabited since the Ice Age.

Best Known Moments: Northwest Territory, Indian Wars, Robert La Follette’s progressive reforms, electing Joseph McCarthy, and union protests in 2011.

Often Associated With: Mississippi River, Great Lakes, Germans, Poles, Scandinavians, dairy, cheese, Cheeseheads, Packers fans, swing state politics, conservative anti-union governors, angry teachers and public workers, progressive governors who like direct primaries and consumer protection laws, “On Wisconsin,” badgers, That 70s Show, cows, alcoholic red-baiting senators during the 1950s, McCarthyism, unions, Ayn Rand worshipping congressmen, manufacturing, American beer, niceness, Lutherans, red scares, Milwaukee, Happy Days, Green Bay, Harley-Davidson, farming, snow, Kenosha, Wisconsin Dells, Daniel E. Krause Stone Barn, Racine, Eau Claire, Spring Green

50. Wyoming

Of course, Wyoming is best known for Yellowstone National Park which is one of the most famous US tourist attractions. It’s actually the first national park in the world known for its wildlife, Old Faithful, and its many ecosystems. Yet, what people don’t know about this park is that it’s sitting upon a massive active caldera which could practically destroy most of the US as we know it upon eruption.

Abbreviation: WY
Nickname: “Equality State,” “Cowboy State”
Capital: Cheyenne
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: June 10, 1890
Bird: Western Meadowlark
Flower: Indian Paintbrush
Tree: Plains Cottonwood

Celebrities: Dick Cheney, Nellie Tayloe Ross, William F. “Buffalo Bill” Cody, Lynne Cheney, Harrison Ford, Esther Hobart Morris, Matthew Shepard

Sports Teams: Wyoming Cowboys (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Shoshone, Crow, Ogala Sioux, Cheyenne, and Arapaho. May have been inhabited 12,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: Mexican-American War, stop of the Oregon Trail, Indian Wars, first to give voting rights for women and elected the first female governor, and not much else.

Often Associated With: Yellowstone National Park, Old Faithful, cowboys, Rocky Mountains, Continental Divide, not having a lot of people, bison, elk, wolves, mountains, winter, snow, skiing, large doomsday super volcanoes, grizzly bears, moose, Grand Teton National Park, gorgeous scenery, diverse wildlife, Oregon Trail, Fort Laramie, Fort Bridger, Heaven’s Gate, Devil’s Tower, cattle ranching, the Wild Bunch, Indians, Cheyenne Frontier Days, outdoor stuff, snowmobiles

In These United States: Part 4 – New Mexico to South Carolina

So we’ve been to about 30 states out of this large country while we still have 20 to go. Of course, you probably notice that each state in the American country has its own culture and history as well as its share of celebrities. In this selection, I’ll cover the states from New Mexico to South Carolina. First, we’re off to New Mexico known for its natural desert beauty, vibrant Hispanic and Indian artwork, Spanish Missions, nuclear testing at Los Alamos, and Breaking Bad. Perhaps it was a good thing that Bugs Bunny took that wrong turn at Albuquerque since we know that’s where Walter White lives. Second, we’re on to New York perhaps most famous for New York City which has Broadway, Times Square, network news stations, the Empire State Building, Lady Liberty, and lots of other things. It also has a lot of stuff upstate, too, not that anyone’s interested. Third, we go to North Carolina known for tobacco, Charlotte, Raleigh, Blue Ridge Mountains, Kitty Hawk, the Biltmore, and Duke. Then there’s North Dakota, home of the Badlands, film site for Fargo, and not much else. After that, it’s off to Ohio which is probably the place your dad would go if he went on a business trip and home of the Cleveland Browns. Yet, despite it being the birthplace of 7 presidents as well as a lot of inventors and astronauts, there isn’t much to see aside from their amusement parks like Six Flags and Cedar Point. Then, there’s Oklamoma! where the wind blows sweeping from the plain, and the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain. Of course, thanks to Rogers and Hammerstein, you can’t get the song out of your head when you hear about Oklahoma. Next, it’s off to Oregon, which everyone remembers as the destination for the Oregon Trail as well as Portland, the Columbia River, and legal euthanasia. Make sure you don’t end up with dysentery on the way there. After that, we’re off to my home state Pennsylvania known for Pittsburgh and Philadelphia as well as using groundhogs for weather reports. Actually, we have local news to predict the weather for us but sometimes they could be just as wrong as Punxsutawney Phil is every year. Anyway, go Steelers! Then we move on to Rhode Island which isn’t really an island but is home to America’s earliest synagogue as well as served as a popular tourist destination for rich folk. Finally, we get to South Carolina which many of you know was the first state to secede from the Union after the election of 1860 as well as the childhood home of Stephen Colbert that he usually says on his show.

31. New Mexico

New Mexico is home to some of the oldest European buildings in the United States, some of these are over 400 years old and predate Jamestown. The Franciscans built these adobe style churches which have now become resonant with Southwest architecture and the Spanish mission style in the US.

New Mexico is home to some of the oldest European buildings in the United States, some of these are over 400 years old and predate Jamestown. The Franciscans built these adobe style churches which have now become resonant with Southwest architecture and the Spanish mission style in the US.

Abbreviation: NM
Nickname: “Land of Enchantment”
Capital: Santa Fe
Largest City: Albuquerque
Entered Union: January 6, 1912
Bird: Greater Roadrunner
Flower: Yucca
Tree: Colorado Pinyon

Celebrities: Billy the Kid, Jeff Bezos, Kit Carson, Neil Patrick Harris, Georgia O’Keefe, Conrad Hilton, Pat Garrett, Cochise, Geronimo, Tony Hillerman, Cormac McCarthy, George R. R. Martin, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Anna Gunn, Val Kilmer, Demi Moore, Freddie Prinze Jr., John Denver, Jim Morrison

Sports Teams: None

Indian Tribes: Clovis culture and later Apache, Navajo, Ute, Pueblo, Hopi, and Comanche.

Best Known Moments: Mexican American War, Indian Wars, and atomic bomb testing at Los Alamos.

Often Associated With: hippies, Mexicans, Breaking Bad, meth, hipsters, cowboys, desert, cacti, canyons, Southwest Indians, adobes, Spanish Missions, atomic testing, Santa Fe Trail, Los Alamos, Little Miss Sunshine, cattle ranches, UFO sightings, Roswell, multiculturalism, water shortages, Indian ruins, mesas, poverty, coyotes, roadrunners, White Sands, Carlsbad Caverns, Lechuguilla Cave, Sky City or Acoma Pueblo, Taos Ski Valley, skiing, Rocky Mountains, Continental Divide, Shiprock, Rio Grande Gorge, Route 66, 1950s cars, Les Paul music, chili peppers, cattle skulls, cattle ranching, New Mexican Spanish, Mexicans, Georgia O’Keefe paintings, neon motel signs

32. New York

No monument in New York has never become so iconic with the state as the Statue of Liberty in New York City's harbor. This female colossus of 151 ft and an inch has been seen as a beacon of liberty lifting her light beside the golden door for those tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to be free. For many immigrants, her presence reminded that they have come to America.

No monument in New York has never become so iconic with the state as the Statue of Liberty in New York City’s harbor. This female colossus of 151 ft and an inch has been seen as a beacon of liberty lifting her light beside the golden door for those tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to be free. For many immigrants, her presence reminded that they have come to America.

Abbreviation: NY
Nickname: “Empire State”
Capital: Albany
Largest City: New York City
Entered Union: July 26, 1788
Bird: Bluebird
Flower: Rose
Tree: Sugar Maple

Celebrities: Jimmy Fallon, FDR, Eleanor Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Tony Bennett, Adrien Brody, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Lucille Ball, Susan B. Anthony, Edgar Allan Poe, Danny Kaye, Alice Faye, James Fenimore Cooper, Washington Irving, Alexander Hamilton, Tom Cruise, Francis Ford Coppola, Aaron Copland, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Lou Gehrig, George and Ira Gershwin, Billy Joel, George Eastman, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Jackie Gleason, Rudy Giuliani, Julia Ward Howe, Fiorello La Guardia, Henry and William James, Edith Wharton, John Jay, Ed Koch, Jerry Seinfeld, Herman Melville, Dorothy Day, Clarence Day, Richard Dreyfuss, Patty Duke, David Duchovny, Vin Diesel, Nora Ephron, Arthur Miller, Eddie Murphy, Carroll O’ Connor, Colin Powell, Eugene O’Neill, Nancy Reagan, the Rockefellers, Tim Russert, Al Sharpton, J. D. Salinger, Al Smith, Donald Trump, Barbara Striesand, the Three Stooges, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Martin Van Buren, Boss Tweed, Luther Vandross, Gore Vidal, Tony Kushner, Jake LaMotta, Regis Philbin, Mario Puzo, the Rosenbergs, Denzel Washington, Walt Whitman, Mark Zuckerberg, Ulysses S. Grant, Elliot Spitzer, Millard Fillmore, Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland, Aaron Burr, Shirley Chisholm, Thomas Dewey, Lucky Luciano, Bugsy Siegel, Meyer Lansky, June Allyson, Alan Arkin, Anne Bancroft, Ann Blyth, Clara Bow, James Caan, Beverly Sills, Daniel Sickles, James Cagney, Paul Muni, Edward G. Robinson, Claudette Colbert, Claire Danes, Sammy Davis Jr. Kirk Douglas, Matt Dillon, Fran Drescher, Jimmy Durante, Louis Comfort Tiffany, Judy Holliday, Scarlett Johansen, Wolf Blitzer, Jane Fonda, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Paulette Goddard, Harvey Milk, Elliot Gould, Anne Hathaway, Susan Hayward, Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Barbara Stanwyck, Burt Lancaster, Lee Marvin, Walter Matthau, Ethel Merman, Anthony Perkins, Joseph Barbera, John Zogby, Christopher Reeve, George Raft, Bill Pullman, Thelma Ritter, Mickey Rooney, Ray Romano, Martin Scorsese, Sylvia Sidney, Rod Steiger, Mel Gibson, Oliver Stone, Gene Tierney, Claire Trevor, Mae West, George Carlin, Jay Leno, the Marx Brothers, Rosie O’Donnell, Chris Rock, Demetri Martin, Lady Gaga, Pat Benatar, Fiona Apple, Mary J. Blige, Maria Callas, Mariah Carey, Jay-Z, John Coltrane, Ella Fitzgerald, Lena Horne, Alicia Keys, Carole King, Cyndi Lauper, Jennifer Lopez, Laura Nyro, David Geffen, Lou Reed, Paul Simon, Notorious BIG, 50 Cent, Mos Def, LL Cool J, Nicki Minaj, John Jacob Astor, J. P. Morgan, Bernie Madoff, Cornelius Vanderbilt, Frederick Douglass, Arnold Rothstein, F. Scott Fitzgerald, John Lennon, Jon Stewart, Terry Gross, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Whoopi Goldberg, Peggy Guggenheim, Alan Greenspan, Oscar Hammerstein II, Gregory Hines, Matt Lauer, Norman Mailer, Ogden Nash, Joyce Carol Oates, Thomas Pynchon, Norman Rockwell, Marion Davies, Shirley Booth, William Bendix, Dewitt Clinton, John Gotti, David Sedaris, Gertrude B. Elion, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Mick Foley, Hank Greenberg, Sandy Koufax, Alex Rodriguez, Frank Serpico, Anderson Cooper, Tony Danza, Rodney Dangerfield, Larry David, Neil Diamond, Timothy McVeigh, Elena Kagan, Harry Houdini, Margaret Sanger, and many I can’t include here.

Sports Teams: Buffalo Bills (NFL), Brooklyn Nets and New York Knicks (NBA), Buffalo Sabres, New York Rangers, and New York Islanders (NHL), New York Yankees and New York Mets (MLB), Columbia Lions and Syracuse Orangemen (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mahican, Mohawk, Oneida, Onondaga, Cayuga, and Seneca. Headquarters for the Iroquois Confederacy.

Best Known Moments: Founded by Dutch as New Netherland, seized by the British in the 1600s, one of the original 13 Colonies, saw action in the French and Indian War with the debacle at Fort William Henry, saw battles during the American Revolution most famously Saratoga, site of the Burr-Hamilton duel, gateway for a lot of European immigrants, Seneca Falls, had draft riots during the Civil War, Tammany Hall political machine, Triangle Shirtwaist Fire in the early 1900s, Harlem Renaissance, 1929 stock market crash, Woodstock, 9/11, and Hurricane Sandy

Often Associated With: New York City, “New York, New York,” Frank Sinatra, crime, a lot of movies, books, plays, and TV shows, Broadway, theater, NYPD, network news, NBC, Empire State Building, 9/11, Chrysler Building, rudeness, swearing, the Met Museum, the Metropolitan Opera, Carnegie Hall, Lincoln Center, Washington Square, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Madison Square Gardens, the Bronx Zoo, high end stores, multiculturalism, folk music, New York accents, Jews, Italians, inner city poverty, Wall Street, Hudson River, the Catskills, Ellis Island, Statue of Liberty, Buffalo, Syracuse, lots of celebrities, Erie Canal, subway system, traffic, Brooklyn Bridge, Grand Central Station, Penn Station, Adirondacks, Saratoga Race Course, intellectuals, Long Island, suburbs, unions, dirty construction workers, bad mouthing cops, Irish cops, Tammany Hall, Old Dutch Church of Sleepy Hollow, Knickerbocker Tales, corruption, Tarrytown, Yankees fans, Mets fans, Hyde Park, Sagamore Hill, Roosevelts, Oyster Bay, Woody Allen, Billy Joel, gangsters, old mansions, skyscrapers, dirtiness, Puerto Ricans, Harlem, liberals, Lake Placid, World Trade Center, Niagara Falls, Sing Sing, water pollution, Love Canal, Grant’s Tomb, West Point, gays, hipsters, hippies, Occupy Wall Street protesters, riots, Columbia, Cornell, Syracuse, NYU, Gershwin, jazz, Harlem Globetrotters, rich people, high fashion, Central Park, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Fort Ticonderoga, weirdos, pizza, skiing, Fire Island, the Hamptons, expensive real estate, magazines, publishing companies, gorgeous scenery, wilderness, farming, Finger Lakes, NYSE, Yonkers, New York Times, New York Post, New York Daily News, Lake Ontario, Lake Erie, Belmont Stakes, Rochester religious revivals, comic books, governors soliciting hookers, hookers, vice president shooting well known statesman who’s on the $10 bill in a duel, Cooperstown, Sunnyside, Philipsburg Manor, Manhattan, the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, Staten Island ferry, Hell’s Kitchen, Harlem, Greenwich Village, Alphabet City, sexting congressmen with funny names, Woodstock, Chautauqua

33. North Carolina

It was at today's Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina where two Dayton, Ohio bicycle mechanics known as the Wright Brothers made their first controlled powered airplane flights on December 17, 1903. After the flights, the two walked to Kitty Hawk and sent a telegram to the Weather Bureau informing of their success. Of course, Kitty Hawk became world-famous because it was the nearest settlement to the site at the time.

It was at today’s Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina where two Dayton, Ohio bicycle mechanics known as the Wright Brothers made their first controlled powered airplane flights on December 17, 1903. After the flights, the two walked to Kitty Hawk and sent a telegram to the Weather Bureau informing of their success. Of course, Kitty Hawk became world-famous because it was the nearest settlement to the site at the time.

Abbreviation: NC
Nickname: “Tar Heel State,” “Old North State”
Capital: Raleigh
Largest City: Charlotte
Entered Union: November 21, 1789
Bird: Cardinal
Flower: Dogwood
Tree: Pine

Celebrities: Charlie Rose, David Brinkley, John Coltrane, Ava Gardner, Bob and Elizabeth Dole, John Edwards, both Dale Earnhardts, Billy Graham, Andy Griffith, O. Henry, Andrew Johnson, Michael Jordan, Dolley Madison, Thelonious Monk, Richard Petty, Edward R. Murrow, Carl Sandburg, James K. Polk, James Taylor, Billy Strayhorn, Doc Watson, Roberta Flack, Clay Aiken, William Blount, Braxton Bragg, Robert Byrd, the Greensboro Four, Edward Snowden, Cecil B. DeMille, Zach Galifianakis, David Sedaris, Amy Sedaris, Kathryn Grayson, Michael C. Hall, Ken Jeong, Star Jones, Vince McMahon, Julianne Moore, Jaime Pressley, Soupy Sales, Tori Amos, George Clinton, Charlie Daniels, Earl Scruggs, Nina Simone, Loudon Wainwright III, Howard Cosell, Nicholas Sparks, Willie Parker, Brandon Tate, Virginia Dare, Richard Jordan Gatling, Afeni Shakur, Maya Angelou, Chang and Eng Bunker, Orson Scott Card, Ric Flair, Blackbeard, John Tesh, Kristi Yamaguchi

Sports Teams: Carolina Panthers (NFL), Charlotte Hornets (NBA), Carolina Hurricanes (NHL), Duke University Blue Devils, North Carolina Tar Heels, North Carolina Spartans, and North Carolina State Wolfpack (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture, later Chowanoke, Roanoke, Pamlico, Coree, Cape Fear Indians, Meherrin, Cherokee, Tuscarora, Cheraw, Waxhaw, Saponi, Waccamaw, and Catawba. If not killed with war and small pox, then kicked out by Indian Removal during the 1830s.

Best Known Moments: Roanoke settlement, one of the original 13 Colonies, saw action at King’s Mountain and Guilford Courthouse, Trail of Tears, saw the first flight at Kitty Hawk, the Civil Rights Movement sit-ins at Greensboro, and others.

Often Associated With: rich people, rednecks, military personnel, Duke, Great Smoky Mountains, Guilford Courthouse, beaches, Roanoke, Kitty Hawk, King’s Mountain, tobacco, Atlantic Beach, NASCAR racing, golfing, plantation mansions, slavery, racism, bluegrass, politeness, Southern hospitality, Southern Gothic Literature, Golden Age piracy, intellectuals, Charlotte, lighthouses, swing state politics, Krispy Kreme, Outer Banks, Biltmore House Gardens, presidential candidates cheating on cancer stricken wives and fathering love children, hurricanes, Roanoke Island, Fort Bragg, barbecue, lighthouses, Cherohala Skyway, Old Fort, military bases, Graveyard Fields, Atlantic Beach, Flat Rock, Fort Macon, Winston-Salem, Wilmington, Asheboro, Greensboro, Durham, Kill Devil Hills, Moore’s Creek, Ft. Raleigh

34. North Dakota

North Dakota's Theodore Roosevelt National Park is home to its legendary badlands in the western part of the state. Teddy Roosevelt came to these Badlands to hunt bison during his 1883 trip and returned in 1884 to heal from one of the darkest moments of his life after experiencing the loss of his wife and mother on the same day. His hunting trips and ranching out West in the 1880s would be very influential to Roosevelt's beliefs in conservation.

North Dakota’s Theodore Roosevelt National Park is home to its legendary badlands in the western part of the state. Teddy Roosevelt came to these Badlands to hunt bison during his 1883 trip and returned in 1884 to heal from one of the darkest moments of his life after experiencing the loss of his wife and mother on the same day. His hunting trips and ranching out West in the 1880s would be very influential to Roosevelt’s beliefs in conservation.

Abbreviation: ND
Nickname: “Peace Garden State”
Capital: Bismarck
Largest City: Fargo
Entered Union: November 2, 1889
Bird: Western Meadowlark
Flower: Wild Prairie Rose
Tree: American Elm

Celebrities: Maxwell Anderson, Angie Dickinson, Louis L’Amor, Roger Maris, Lawrence Welk, Louise Erdich, Peggy Lee, Phil Jackson, Sacagawea, Ann Sothern, Wiz Khalifa, Bobby Vee

Sports Teams: North Dakota State Bison (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mandan, Dakota, Blackfeet, Cheyenne, Chippewa, Arikara, Hidasta, and Yanktoni. May have been inhabited as early as 11,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Lewis and Clark Expedition, Indian Wars, and not much else.

Often Associated With: Fargo, Badlands, Fargo, oil and gas drilling, not having a lot of people, Theodore Roosevelt National Park, Scandinavians, Plains Indians, Lutherans, ice fishing, skiing, whiteness, snowmobiles, snow, not much happening, Bonanzaville, Ft. Union Trading Post, International Peace Gardens, Elkhorn Ranch, Knife River Indian Village, Dunseith, Minden, Great Plains, moose, Lake Sakakawea, more men than women, New Salem, Painted Canyon, bison, dinosaur fossils, wild horses, elk, prairie dogs, prairie, grassland, bighorn sheep

35. Ohio

Ohio is home to the Franklin Park Conservatory in Columbus. This glass botanical palace was built in 1895 and now serves as a horticultural and educational institution showcasing exotic plant collections, special exhibitions and artworks by renown glass sculptor Dave Chihuly. Contains over 400 species in all.

Ohio is home to the Franklin Park Conservatory in Columbus. This glass botanical palace was built in 1895 and now serves as a horticultural and educational institution showcasing exotic plant collections, special exhibitions and artworks by renown glass sculptor Dave Chihuly. Contains over 400 species in all.

Abbreviation: OH
Nickname: “Buckeye State”
Capital: Columbus
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: March 1, 1803
Bird: Cardinal
Flower: Scarlet Carnation
Tree: Buckeye

Celebrities: Ulysses S. Grant, William McKinley, Warren G. Harding, William Howard Taft, the first two John D. Rockefellers, John Glenn, Annie Oakley, Dean Martin, Jesse Owens, Drew Carey, the Wright Brothers, Bob Hope, Hart Crane, George Armstrong Custer, Erma Bombeck, Halle Berry, Clarence Darrow, Maya Lin, Toni Morrison, Pete Rose, Roy Rogers, Steven Spielberg, James A. Garfield, Rutherford B. Hayes, Benjamin Harrison, William Henry Harrison, Clark Gable, Thomas Edison, Zane Grey, William Dean Howells, Eddie Rickenbacker, Pontiac, Jack Paar, Paul Newman, Jack Nicklaus, Arthur Schlesinger Jr., William Tecumseh Sherman, Gloria Steinem, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Tecumseh, James Thurber, Jerry Springer, Ted Turner, Neil Armstrong, Sherwood Anderson, Ambrose Bierce, Martin Mull, Harlan Ellison, Wes Craven, P. J. O’Rourke, David Pogue, Jerry Seigel and Joe Schuster, Lowell Thomas, R. L. Stine, Lou Wasserman, Jack Warner, John Dean, John Boehner, Dennis Kucinich, Clement Vallandingham, Victoria Woodhull, George Bellows, Theda Bara, Teri Garr, Arsenio Hall, Margaret Hamilton, Woody Harrelson, Steve Harvey, Patricia Heaton, Ed O’Neil, Eleanor Parker, Sarah Jessica Parker, Dan Patrick, Anne Heche, Hal Holbrook, Katie Holmes, Terrence Howard, Chrissie Hynde, Alison Janney, Tyrone Power, George Clooney, Tim Conway, Dorothy Dandridge, Doris Day, Phyllis Diller, Phil Donahue, Brian Donlevy, Ted Levine, John Lithgow, Rob Lowe, Paul Lynde, Hugh Downs, Carmen Electra, Jamie Farr, Alan Freed, Burgess Meredith, Debra Monk, Fred Williard, Debra Winger, Jonathan Winters, Jack Hanna, the Naked Cowboy, Dave Grohl, Phil Ochs, Pure Prairie League, the O’Jays, Jim Brickman, Tracy Chapman, Isley Brothers, Boz Scaggs, Billy Strayhorn, Devo, Marilyn Manson, John Legend, Danny Thomas, Joe Walsh, Frank Yankovic, Philip Sheridan, Harvey Firestone, Jim Lovell, Charles Kettering, Judith Resnick, Chad Billingsley, Ken Griffey Jr., James Harrison, LeBron James, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, Chuck Noll, Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Walker, Cy Young, Herbert H. Dow, Charles Keating, George Steinbrenner, Roger Ailes, Larry Flynt, John Brown, Elizabeth Blackwell, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ariel Castro, Charles Manson, Norman Vincent Peale, Tenskwatawa, Langston Hughes, George Remus, Macy Gray

Sports Teams: Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals (NFL), Cincinnati Reds and Cleveland Indians (MLB), Cleveland Cavaliers (NBA), Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL), Ohio State Buckeyes, Ohio Bobcats, Cincinnati Bearcats, Kent State Golden Flashes, Akron Zips, Miami Redhawks, and Toledo Rockets (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Early Mississippian culture. Adena, Hopewell, Wyandot, Miami, Shawnee, Ottawa, Mingo, and Delaware. May have been inhabited 11,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: Northwest Territory, Pontiac’s Rebellion, saw action in the War of 1812 with Oliver Hazard Perry’s victory in Lake Erie, industrialization, Kent State shooting, and others.

Often Associated With: Cleveland, Cincinnati, Kent State, Pro Football Hall of Fame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, birthplace of 7 presidents, a lot of inventors, and several astronauts, Cedar Point, Amish Country, Toledo, Dayton, Six Flags, Steubenville, Great Lakes, Ohio River, Kings Island, OSU, businessmen, manufacturing, Rust Belt, swing state politics, golfing, suburbs, corruption, skyscrapers, unions, farming, rednecks, Erie Canal, Franklin Park Conservatory, Wapakoneta, Lake Erie Islands, Marietta, Copperhead lawyers who accidentally shoot themselves dead while defending a client

36. Oklahoma

Oklahoma is known as the "Sooner State" because many of its white settlers from the South came to parts of this state before they were officially opened to them. Of course, since this area was once known as Indian Territory, you can imagine that the Indian tribes who were forced reside there decades before were not happy.

Oklahoma is known as the “Sooner State” because many of its white settlers from the South came to parts of this state before they were officially opened to them. Of course, since this area was once known as Indian Territory, you can imagine that the Indian tribes who were forced reside there decades before were not happy.

Abbreviation: OK
Nickname: “Sooner State”
Capital: Oklahoma City
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: November 16, 1907
Bird: Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher
Flower: Mistletoe
Tree: Redbud

Celebrities: Will Rogers, Gene Autry, Garth Brooks, Lon Chaney Jr. Gordon Cooper, Ralph Ellison, John Hope Franklin, James Garner, Vince Gill, Woody Guthrie, Ron Howard, Louis L’Amour, Shannon Lucid, Mickey Mantle, Reba McEntire, Wiley Post, Tony Randall, Oral Roberts, Jim Thorpe, Carrie Underwood, Pretty Boy Floyd, Wilma Mankiller, Sequoyah, Tommy Franks, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Kristin Chenoweth, Joan Crawford, Blake Edwards, Bill Hader, Van Heflin, James Mardsen, Rue McClanahan, Lee Pace, Vera Miles, Tim Blake Nelson, Chuck Norris, Brad Pitt, Mary Kay Place, Hoyt Axton, Chet Baker, J. J. Cale, Eddie Cochran, Patti Page, Leon Russell, Blake Shelton, Paul Harvey, Bill Moyers, Dr. Phil McGraw, Mary Hart, Dan Rowan, Judy Woodruff, Rick Bayless, Sylvan Goldman, T. Boone Pickens Jr., Sam Walton, Tony Hillerman, S. E. Hinton, Barry Sanders, Willie Stargell, Belle Starr, Anita Hill, Cornel West

Sports Teams: Oklahoma City Thunder (NBA), Oklahoma Stat Cowboys, and Oklahoma Sooners (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture. Wichita, Osage, Quapaw, and Caddo. May have been inhabited as early as the Ice Age. Those Indians native there were bound to have company in the 1830s. Now home to at least 39 federally recognized tribes.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, receiving place for Indians at the Trail of Tears, contention between Indians and whites after the Civil War, race riots in the early 1900s, the Dust Bowl, and the Oklahoma City bombings.

Often Associated With: Oklahoma!, Indians, oil and gas drilling, race riots, tornadoes, cowboys, cattle ranching, Tulsa, The Grapes of Wrath, Southern hospitality, Dust Bowl, multiculturalism, bison, Sooners, Okies, rednecks, country music, lady golf, trailer parks, Wichita Mountains, Sallisaw, Norman, Ouachita Mountains, Medicine Park, Oklahoma City bombings, Ozarks, Tahlequah, Waurika Lake

37. Oregon

Oregon's Mt. Hood is a 11,249 ft stratavolcano on the Cascade Range's Volcanic Arc. It's Oregon's highest mountain as well as one of the loftiest peaks in the US. It is home to 12 named glaciers and snowfields and is considered the Oregon volcano most likely to erupt but not explosively.

Oregon’s Mt. Hood is a 11,249 ft tall stratavolcano on the Cascade Range’s Volcanic Arc. It’s Oregon’s highest mountain as well as one of the loftiest peaks in the US. It is home to 12 named glaciers and snowfields and is considered the Oregon volcano most likely to erupt but not explosively.

Abbreviation: OR
Nickname: “Beaver State”
Capital: Salem
Largest City: Portland
Entered Union: February 14, 1859
Bird: Western Meadowlark
Flower: Oregon Grape
Tree: Douglas Fir

Celebrities: Ty Burrell, Beverly Cleary, Matt Groening, Chief Joseph, Linus Pauling, Jack Reed, Jean M. Auel, Chris Botti, Ann Curry, Sam Elliot, Tony Harding, Herbert Hoover, Terry Irwin, John Krakauer, Courtney Love, Chuck Palahnuik, River Phoenix, Johnnie Ray, David Ogden Stiers

Sports Teams: Portland Trail Blazers (NBA), Oregon Ducks, and Portland State Vikings (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Inhabited by more than 100 Indian tribes including the Nez Perce, Coquille, Bannock, Chasta, Kalapuya, Molala, Takelma, Tillamook, Umpqua, Yakima, Chinook, Cayuse, and Modoc. May have been inhabited as early as 15,000 years.

Best Known Moments: Oregon Territory, Lewis and Clark Expedition, destination for Oregon Trail, and site of many dam projects during the Great Depression.

Often Associated With: Oregon Trail, hippies, hipsters, tree huggers, Portland, Portlandia, New Agers, wilderness, Cascade Range, dysentery, Bonneville Dam, hydroelectric power, forests, Columbia River, Mount Hood, legal euthanasia laws, high tech industry, diverse wildlife, fishing, corporate headquarters, Nike, Intel, no sales tax, revenue limits, pioneers on covered wagons, hiking, Crater Lake, Oregon Caves, Astoria Column, Timberline Lodge, Columbia River Gorge, Oregon Dunes, Ft. Clatstop, International Rose Test Garden, Ashland, Multnomah Falls, volcanoes, mountains, snow, skiing, Newport, Kalimiopsis Wilderness, snow capped peaks, Eugene, totem poles

38. Pennsylvania

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania was a city of industry that has managed to successfully turn itself around after the 1980s as a leading city of the 21st century. Its high culture, beautiful skylines, business friendly environment, technological innovation, and decent standard of living, Pittsburgh is now a top world destination and more of a leading contender than it ever could be in the 19th century.

Abbreviation: PA
Nickname: “Keystone State”
Capital: Harrisburg
Largest City: Philadelphia
Entered Union: December 12, 1787
Bird: Ruffed Grouse
Flower: Mountain Laurel
Tree: Hemlock

Celebrities: Benjamin Franklin, James Buchanan, Andrew Carnegie, Henry Clay Frick, H. J. Heinz, Fred Rogers and much of the cast of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Arnold Palmer, Dan Marino, Zachary Quinto, Marian Anderson, Kobe Bryant, Bill Cosby, Will Smith, Wilt Chamberlain, Rachel Carson, Perry Como, Noam Chomsky, Joe Biden, Tina Fey, Stephen Foster, Robert Fulton, Martha Graham, Gene Kelly, Grace Kelly, William Powell, Margaret Mead, Joe Namath, both Ken Griffeys, Russ Grimm, Joe Montana, Andrew W. Mellon, Robert E. Peary, Alecia Moore (a. k. a. Pink), Sharon Stone, Tom Ridge, Robert Morris, James Wilson, Gouveneur Morris, Jimmy Stewart, Thaddeus Stevens, Jim Thorpe, Benjamin West, Honus Wagner, John Updike, George Benson, Shirley Jones, Kevin Bacon, the original Barrymores, Mario Andretti, Julie Benz, Peter Boyle, Edgar Allan Poe, Charles Bronson, Jeff Goldblum, Bradley Cooper, Dolores Costello, Broderick Crawford, Mario Lemieux, Barbara Feldon, W.C. Fields, Larry Fine, Richard Gere, Scott Glenn, Jamie Kennedy, Jack Klugman, Jeannette MacDonald, Frances McDormand, Hugh Marlowe, Adolphe Menjou, James A. Michener, Dennis Miller, Tom Mix, Jack Palance, Jon Polito, George Romero, Bob Saget, David O. Selznick, M. Night Shyamalan, Mary Cassatt, George Catlin, Thomas Eakins, Andy Warhol, Andrew Wyeth, Guion S. Bluford, Joe Amato, Bill Cowher, Ernie Davis, Floyd Landis, Stan Musial, Jerry Sandusky, Johnny Unitas, Louisa May Alcott, Oscar Hammerstein II, David McCullough, Ezra Pound, Gertrude Stein, Daniel Boone, Ida Tarbell, Wallace Stevens, John Edgar Wideman, Dr. Jonas Salk, the Sundance Kid, Thomas Midgley Jr., Milton S. Hershey, Lee Iacocca, Charles M. Schwab, Jeffrey Skilling, Sidney Lumet, Christina Aguilera, Frankie Avalon, Wiz Khalifa, Boyz II Men, Solomon Burke, John Dickinson, Chubby Checker, John Coltrane, Jim Croce, Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey, Hall & Oates, Joan Jett, Henry Mancini, the Roots, Robert Bork, Bob Casey Jr., Rick Santorum, Arlen Specter, Alexander Haig, Orrin Hatch, Ron Paul, Benjamin Netanyahu, A. Mitchell Palmer, Robert Reich, Jim Cramer, Billy Mays, F. Murray Abraham, the Warner Brothers, Michael Chabon, Nellie Bly, Mark Cuban, Joe Paterno, Randy Pausch, Herb Morrison, George C. Marshall, Dick Clark, Blythe Danner, Benjamin Guggenheim, George B. McClellan, George Meade, Ed Bradley, Patti LaBelle, Teddy Pendergrass, Edwin Drake, Joseph D. Pistone (a. k. a. Donnie Brasco)

Sports Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles (NFL), Pittsburg Pirates and Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Penguins and Philadelphia Flyers (NHL), Philadelphia 76ers (NBA), Pittsburgh Panthers, Penn State Nittany Lions, Temple Owls, Villanova Wildcats, and La Salle Explorers (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Lenni Lenape, Shawnee, Susquehannock, Erie, and Seneca. Probably wiped out by war and smallpox.

Best Known Moments: Its founding by William Penn, French and Indian War would start at Fort Necessity and would later see Bushy Run, Braddock’s defeat as well as the capture of Fort Duquesne, one of the original 13 Colonies, Philadelphia was site of the Declaration of Independence signing and the Constitutional Convention, would see several incidents during the American Revolution like Washington crossing the Delaware, Battles of Brandywine and Germantown, and Valley Forge, industrialization, saw the Battle of Gettysburg during Civil War, Gettysburg Address, the Homestead Strike, the Johnstown Flood, Three Mile Island, Flight 93, and “Kids for Cash.”

Often Associated With: Pittsburgh, Philly, Philly cheesesteak, drinking, swearing, die hard sports fans, steel, Rustbelt, Pitt, Penn State, Delaware River, Ohio River, Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, “yinz,” Appalachian Mountains, rednecks, Valley Forge, Hershey chocolate, Heinz 57 Varieties, Steeler fans, Fallingwater, Pocono Mountains, Flight 93, Gettysburg, Amish Country, Johnstown Flood, coal mining, Susquehanna River, “Kids for Cash,” Benjamin Franklin, Andrew Carnegie, Rolling Rock, pierogies, kielbasa, Poles, Italians, manufacturing, unions, glass, KDKA, The Office, Three Mile Island, horrendous road conditions, unpredictable winters, Groundhog Day, Quakers, Methodists, mushrooms, swing state politics, deer hunting, white tail deer, wild turkey, black bears, a lot of amusement parks, tunnels, motorcross, pretzels, snack foods, Sauerkraut, Andy Warhol, Pittsburghese, smog, idyllic farm country, Punxsutawney Phil, Groundhog Day, predicting 6 week weather conditions using rodents, Lake Erie, ketchup, Pine Creek Gorge, “Pennsylvania Polka,” polka music, Gettysburg, Scranton, Allentown, Erie, Wilkes-Barre, Bethlehem, Carlisle, Johnstown, King of Prussia, Snyder’s of Berlin, Rocky, Utz, Snyder’s of Hanover

39. Rhode Island

Rhode Island is a popular New England tourist destination because of its many ocean front beaches and harbors many rich people can sail their yachts in. Of course, this was in the Gilded Age but still, it makes money from vacationing New Englanders nevertheless.

Rhode Island is a popular New England tourist destination because of its many ocean front beaches and harbors many rich people can sail their yachts in. Of course, this was in the Gilded Age but still, it makes money from vacationing New Englanders nevertheless.

Abbreviation: RI

Nickname: “Little Rhody,” “Ocean State”
Capital: Providence
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: May 29, 1790
Bird: Rhode Island Red Chicken
Flower: Violet
Tree: Red Maple

Celebrities: Nathanael Greene, George M. Cohan, Gilbert Stuart, Nelson Eddy, Ambrose Burnside, Cormac McCarthy, John McLaughlin, Matthew C. and Oliver Hazard Perry, Meredith Vieira, H. P. Lovecraft, David Macaulay, Marilyn Chambers, Viola Davis, the Farrelly Brothers, Richard Jenkins, Van Johnson, Seth McFarlane, Ted Knight, George Macready, Louis B. Mayer, James Woods, A. O. Scott, Sullivan Ballou, Roger Williams, Anne Hutchinson

Sports Teams: Brown Bears, Providence College Friars, Bryant Bulldogs, and Rhode Island Rams (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Narragansett, Niantic, Nipmuc, Wampanoag, and Pequot. Probably died from war and small pox.

Best Known Moments: Founded by Roger Williams in the 1600s, King Philip’s War, was heavily involved with the slave trade as well as known for religious toleration, one of the original 13 Colonies, American Revolution, industrialization, and not much else.

Often Associated With: New England, beaches, whaling, small landmass, geographic confusion, boats, lighthouses, not a lot of crime, Brown, rich people, intellectuals, seafood, shellfish, clam chowder, Newport, Pawtucket, Providence, Touro Synagogue, mansions, Narragansett, harbor, Block Island Mansions, Cliff Walk, Slater Mill, Pawtucket, Sanderstown, ferry boat, Block Island Sound

40. South Carolina

South Carolina's Magnolia Plantation and Gardens is one of the oldest plantations in the South and is located near Charleston. Though originally a rice plantation, it's now a tourist attraction as well as a great wedding destination for the bride who really wants her big day to appear something like she'd seen in a Southern Gothic novel minus the weird stuff happening.

South Carolina’s Magnolia Plantation and Gardens is one of the oldest plantations in the South and is located near Charleston. Though originally a rice plantation, it’s now a tourist attraction as well as a great wedding destination for the bride who really wants her big day to appear something like she’d seen in a Southern Gothic novel minus the weird stuff happening.

Abbreviation: SC
Nickname: “Palmetto State”
Capital: Columbia
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: May 23, 1788
Bird: Carolina Wren
Flower: Yellow Jessamine
Tree: Palmetto

Celebrities: Stephen Colbert, Strom Thurmond, John C. Calhoun, Marian Wright Edleman, Jesse Jackson, “Shoeless Joe” Jackson, Andie McDowell, Francis Marion, Preston Brooks, Mary MacLeod Bethune, James Brown, Joe Frazier, Althea Gibson, Dizzy Gillespie, Thomas Hayward Jr., Eartha Kitt, James “Pete” Longstreet, Thomas Lynch Jr., Melvin Purvis, Joel Roberts Poinsett, Edward Rutledge, Mickey Spillane, William C. Westmoreland, John B. Watson, Aziz Ansari, Chubby Checker, Pat Conroy, Viola Davis, Andy Dick, Stanley Donen, John Edwards, Shepard Fairey, Mary-Louise Parker, Chris Rock

Sports Teams: South Carolina Gamecocks, South Carolina State Bulldogs, and Clemson Tigers (NCAA Div. I)
Indian Tribes: Inhabited by 30 tribes including the Cherokee, Catawba, and Muskogean. Kicked out in the 1830s with Indian Removal.

Best Known Moments: One of the Original 13 Colonies, saw a lot of action during the American Revolution with Cowpens and Kings Mountain, started the Nullification Crisis, Trail of Tears, first state to secede from the Union and saw the beginning of the Civil War at Ft. Sumter as well as Sherman’s March to the Sea,

Often Associated With: Charleston, slavery, racism, South Carolina primary, governors “hiking the Appalachian Trail,” governors basically going missing to carry on an extramarital affair on Father’s Day, rednecks, messed up politics, indigo, cotton, rice, racist senators having illegitimate black love children, Myrtle Beach, plantations, southern belles, Southern Gothic Literature, palmettos, salt marshes, swamp, Blue Ridge Mountains, hurricanes, Confederate flag displays, Confederate nostalgia, conservatism, pro-slavery congressmen caning anti-slavery senators from Massachusetts, Bob Jones University, Kings Mountain, Cowpens, videotaped Breathalyzer tests, strict laws on alcohol, Fort Sumter, poverty, poinsettias, Baptists, Bible Belt, brightly painted houses, plantations, Magnolia Plantation, Cypress Gardens, Boone Hall Plantation and Gardens, Riverbanks Zoo, Moncks Corner, swamp, Brookgreen Gardens, Hilton Head Island, Drayton Hall, Murrells Inlet, beaches, cypress, Middleton Place, Waterfront Park

In These United States: Part 3 – Massachusetts to New Jersey

In my previous two posts in my five part series, I’ve written state profiles from all over the American nation, mostly because I’ve listed them in alphabetical order like most reference books do. In this selection, I’ll cover the states from Massachusetts to New Jersey. First, we venture to Massachusetts which is perhaps one of the most covered regions in your American History or your American history class. Let’s say very few Americans have never read (or never pretended to have read) anything that was by someone from Massachusetts because a lot of early American literature comes from there and The Scarlet Letter is required reading. Second, we have Michigan best known as the headquarters for America’s Big 3 automakers, Motown, and the poverty stricken Rust Belt hellscape known as Detroit that tends to somehow beat Pittsburgh at hockey. Third, it’s on to Minnesota home of the Twin Cities, Mall of America, having a lot of lakes, Garrison Keilor, and Target. Strangely enough it’s also where Prince and Bob Dylan came from but you wouldn’t have guessed unless you looked it up on Wikipedia. After that, is Mississippi which was once one of the most prosperous states in the nation during the antebellum era but is now the poorest state in the nation. Then it’s off to Missouri, home of Mark Twain and Harry Truman as well as the Gateway Arch since it was seen as the gateway to the West. It’s also the state that features Kansas City we all know which kind of creates geographic confusion. Apparently “Missouri City” didn’t cut it. Next, we have Montana known for its many natural wonders as well as being very cold and being the state where George Custer met his Little Big Horn. We then go off to Nebraska which is the only state to have a unicameral legislature as well as Warren Buffett, Omaha, and agriculture. After that, we have Nevada most famous for the tackiest adult playground on earth Las Vegas home to gambling casinos, scantily clad showgirls in feather headdresses, and weddings under the influence. Then it’s off to New Hampshire home of the New Hampshire primary, Dartmouth, skiing resorts, and not much else. Finally, we arrive in New Jersey known for Superfund sites, government induced traffic jams, Monopoly, The Sopranos, Boardwalk Empire, and being home to way more celebrities than just Bruce Springsteen.

 

21. Massachusetts

Massachusetts was the site of the first Thanksgiving as a three day feast between the Pilgrims and Indians after the latter taught the former how to survive through after they went through a harsh winter that killed about half of them. Unfortunately, their friendship wouldn't last and this tradition wasn't repeated until Abraham Lincoln established Thanksgiving as a national holiday in 1863.

Massachusetts was the site of the first Thanksgiving as a three day feast between the Pilgrims and Indians after the latter taught the former how to survive through after they went through a harsh winter that killed about half of them. Unfortunately, their friendship wouldn’t last and this tradition wasn’t repeated until Abraham Lincoln established Thanksgiving as a national holiday in 1863.

Abbreviation: MA
Nickname: “Bay State,” “Old Colony”
Capital: Boston
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: February 6, 1788
Bird: Black-Capped Chickadee, Wild Turkey
Flower: Mayflower
Tree: American Elm

Celebrities: John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Abigail Adams, Samuel Adams, Bronson and Louisa May Alcott, Frederick Douglass, Henry David Thoreau, Susan B. Anthony, Helen Hunt Jackson, Emily Dickinson, Steve Carell, Benjamin Franklin, Ben and Casey Affleck, Crispus Attucks, Clara Barton, George H. W. Bush, Ralph Waldo Emerson, William Lloyd Garrison, Bette Davis, John Hancock, Nathaniel Hawthorne, both Oliver Wendell Holmeses, Elias Howe, JFK, RFK, Ted Kennedy, Joe Kennedy, Jack Kerouac, John Kerry, Jack Lemmon, James Russell Lowell, Cotton Mather, B. J. Novak, John Krasinski, Maria Mitchell, Samuel F. B. Morse, Conan O’Brien, Dr. Seuss, Barbara Walters, James Whistler, John Greenleaf Whittier, Edgar Allan Poe, Charles Bullfinch, John Singleton Copley, Charles Dana Gibson, Norman Rockwell, Nancy Kerrigan, Michael Bloomberg, Sumner Redstone, Eli Whitney, the Boston Strangler, Louis C. K., Mindy Kaling, Jay Leno, Amy Poehler, Steven Wright, Elizabeth Banks, Ray Bolger, Walter Brennan, Matt Damon, Geena Davis, Olympia Dukakis, Michael Dukakis, Hal Holbrook, John Michael Higgins, Jennifer Coolidge, Madeline Kahn, David E. Kelley, Arthur Kennedy, Agnes Moorehead, Leonard Nimoy, Edward Norton, Estelle Parsons, Robert Preston, James Remar, James Spader, Julie Taymor, Uma Thurman, Sam Waterson, Mark Wahlberg, Tom and Ray Magilozzi, Tom Bergeron, John King, George Stephanopolous, Mike Wallace, Elizabeth Poole, Horatio Alger, Anne Bradstreet, Augusten Burroughs, William Cullen Bryant, e. e. Cummings, E. J. Dionne, W. E. B. DuBois, Robert Frost, John Kenneth Galbraith, Khalil Gibran, Edward Gorey, Timothy Leary, Peter Laird, Henry Cabot Lodge, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, John Updike, Edith Wharton, Leonard Bernstein, Taj Mahal, Carly Simon, James Taylor, Aerosmith, Boston, the Cars, King Philip (Indian chief), Samoset, Tisquantum (a. k. a. Squanto), Massasoit, Deborah Sampson, Edward Brooke, Calvin Coolidge, Tip O’Neill, Frances Perkins, Mitt Romney, Mary Baker Eddy, Louis Farrakhan, John Harvard, Increase Mather, Edmund Sears, D. L. Moody, Ram Dass, Alexander Graham Bell, Temple Grandin, Gregory Pincus, F. Lee Bailey, Abbie Hoffman, Horace Mann, Grover Norquist, Mark Foley, Lucy Stone, Elbridge Gerry, Robert Goddard, Charles Goodyear, Tim Berners-Lee, John Hodgeman, Sacco and Vanzetti, Mercy Otis Warren, Charles Sumner

Sports Teams: New England Patriots (NFL), Boston Bruins (NHL), Boston Celtics (NHL), Boston Red Sox (MLB), Harvard Crimson, and Boston College Eagles (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: The Wampanoag, Narragansett, Nipmuc, Pocomtuc, Mahican, and Massachusett.

Best Known Moments: First settled by the Pilgrims in 1620, Puritains set theocracy later as the Massachusetts Bay Colony, Salem Witch Trials, one of the original 13 Colonies, was a place of many demonstrations that led to the American Revolution and first battles were fought there, Shays Rebellion, led in the Industrial Revolution and Abolitionist Movement, Sacco and Vanzetti trials, first state to legalize same-sex marriage, and Boston Marathon bombing.

Often Associated With: Puritans, Pilgrims, Thanksgiving, Sam Adams beer, Cheers, Boston Legal, Boston Tea Party, Boston Massacre, Boston, Salem Witch Trials, Harvard, rich people, the Kennedys, liberals, prudes, Patriots fans, swearing, reckless driving, Boston Marathon, Boston baked beans, Boston cream pie, Irish, Transcendentalism, abolitionism, Walden, The Scarlet Letter, New England, Massachusetts Bay, Lobster, “Paul Revere’s Ride,” rudeness, preppies, WASPs, Cape Cod, light houses, boats, whaling, Moby Dick, Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket, crusty sailors, MIT, rowing, drinking, brawling sports fans, intellectuals, a lot of celebrities you’ll find in many American History or Literature classes, Whistler’s Mother, Car Talk, fishing, Old North Church, seafood, Boston terrier, Red Sox fans, The Crucible, much of American Literature, Mayflower, Plymouth Rock, clam chowder, anti-slavery senators being caned by pro-slavery representatives in South Carolina

 

22. Michigan

As seen in this mural section by Diego Rivera, Michigan is best known for being the headquarters of America's auto industry. Chrysler, GM, and Ford are all based in Detroit which by now is seen as an urban disaster. Yet, until the Rust Belt set in, it was a center of American Industry.

As seen in this mural section by Diego Rivera, Michigan is best known for being the headquarters of America’s auto industry. Chrysler, GM, and Ford are all based in Detroit which by now is seen as an urban disaster. Yet, until the Rust Belt set in, it was a center of American Industry.

Abbreviation: MI
Nickname: “Great Lakes State,” “Wolverine State”
Capital: Lansing
Largest City: Detroit
Entered Union: January 26, 1837
Bird: American Robin
Flower: Apple Blossom
Tree: White Pine

Celebrities: Gerald Ford, Henry Ford, Eminem, Jerome Bettis, Aretha Franklin, Edna Ferber, Magic Johnson, Lee Iacocca, Malcolm X, Casey Kasem, Edgar Guest, Madonna, Michael Moore, Elmore Leonard, Charles Lindbergh, Pontiac, Gilda Radner, Mitt Romney, George Romney, Diana Ross, Sinbad, Tom Selleck, Lily Tomlin, the Williams Sisters, Tim Allen, Gillian Anderson, James Caan, Bruce Campbell, Jeff Daniels, Sonny Bono, Christie Brinkley, Tom Hulce, Ellen Burstyn, Kim Hunter, James Earl Jones, Julie Harris, Charlton Heston, Keegan-Michael Key, Tim Meadows, Lee Majors, George Peppard, Harry Morgan, Verne Troyer, Elaine Stritch, David Spade, Robert Wagner, Robin Williams, Danny Thomas, Jerry Bruckheimer, Francis Ford Coppola, John Hughes, Sam Raimi, Paul Schrader, Thom Hartmann, Candy Crowley, Sanjay Gupta, Miles O’Brien, Edgar Bergen, Kate Upton, Eero and Eliel Saarinen, William Boeing, Roger B. Chaffee, George Jarvis, John De Lorean, the Dodge brothers, William C. Durant, Edsel Ford, Ransom E. Olds, Roger Penske, David Dunbar Buick, William Hewlett, Larry Page, Will Kellogg, Tom Monaghan, C. W. Post, David M. Overton, James Anthony Bailey, Herbert Henry Dow, Dr. Homer Stryker, Irene Osgood Andrews, Rosa Parks, Sojourner Truth, Jim Bakker, Father Charles Coughlin, Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen, Leon Czolgosz, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, John Mitchell (attorney general), Terry Nichols, Aileen Wuornos, Thomas Edison, Robert Jarvik, Jimmy Hoffa, Walter Reuther, Lewis Cass, George Armstrong Custer, Daniel Ellsberg, the Supremes, Al Green, Al Green, Martha and the Vandellas, Smokey Robinson, the Temptations, Stevie Wonder, Alice Cooper, Glenn Frey, Bill Haley, Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Iggy Pop, Bob Seger, the White Stripes, Noel “Paul” Stookey, Betty Ford, Thomas Dewey, Nate Silver, Dr. Jonas Salk, Derek Jeter, Joe Louis, Sugar Ray Robinson, Larry Foote, Dan Bylsma, Jill Carroll, Dr. Wayne Dyet, Dita Von Teese

Sports Teams: Detroit Lions (NFL), Detroit Tigers (MLB), Detroit Pistons (NBA), Detroit Red Wings (MLB), Michigan Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: The Ojibwe, Ottawa, Potawatomi, Mascouten, Menominee, Miami, Sauk, Fox, and Huron

Best Known Moments: Part of French Canada until the French and Indian War, Pontiac’s Rebellion, Northwest Territory, industrialization, and has urban areas in decline since the 1980s.

Often Associated With: American cars, working class, manufacturing, Rust Belt decline, urban hellscapes, unions, poverty, poor people getting screwed, United Auto Workers, the Great Lakes, northern based racism, Gran Torino, crumbling infrastructure, harsh winters, snow, swing state politics, 8 Mile, crime, NASCAR racing, Motown, Michael Moore documentaries, Home Improvement, Boeing, Kellogg, Domino’s Pizza, Post cereal, the Cheesecake Factory, Jimmy Hoffa, Christmas tree farms, Mackinac Island, Tulip Time Festival, Sault Ste. Marie, Air Zoo, Grand Rapids, Tahquemnon Falls, De Zwaan windmill, Belle Isle Park, Frederik Meijer Gardens and Sculpture Park, Greenfield Village

 

23. Minnesota

Minnesota's Minnehaha Falls was depicted in Henry Wadsworth Longefellow's poem "The Song of Hiawatha." It's located on Minnehaha Creek which is a tributary of the Mississippi River and its name means, "laughing water." It's about 53 ft high.

Minnesota’s Minnehaha Falls was depicted in Henry Wadsworth Longefellow’s poem “The Song of Hiawatha.” It’s located on Minnehaha Creek which is a tributary of the Mississippi River and its name means, “laughing water.” It’s about 53 ft high.

Abbreviation: MN
Nickname: “North Star State,” “Gopher State”
Capital: St. Paul
Largest City: Minneapolis
Entered Union: May 11, 1858
Bird: Common Loon
Flower: Pink and White Lady Slipper
Tree: Red Pine

Celebrities: Garrison Keilor, Bob Dylan, Prince, Charles Schultz, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jesse Ventura, Al Franken, Jessica Lange, Judy Garland, Hubert H. Humphrey, the Coen Brothers, Sinclair Lewis, Eugene McCarthy, Walter Mondale, Lindsey Vonn, Michelle Bachmann, Eddie Albert, Loni Anderson, Lew Ayres, Jim Bakker, Ann Bancroft (polar explorer), Patty Berg, Marlon Brando, Herb Brooks, Gretchen Carlson, Diablo Cody, Dr. Demento, William Demarest, Larry Fitzgerald, Ric Flair, Keith Ellison, J. Paul Getty, Terry Gilliam, Mary GrandPre, George Roy Hill, James J. Hill, Kris Humphries, William J. Mayo, Randy Moss, Owl City, Chris Pratt, Jane Russell, Winona Ryder, Richard Warren Sears, Tiny Tim, Richard Widmark, the Andrews Sisters

Sports Teams: Minnesota Vikings (NFL), Minnesota Twins (MLB), Minnesota Timberwolves (NBA), Minnesota Wild (NHL), and Minnesota Golden Gophers (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Dakota and Ojibwe.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Zebulun Pike Expedition, and industrialization.

Often Associated With: the Midwest, Scandinavians, harsh winters, A Prairie Home Companion, niceness, politeness, lots of lakes, Lutherans, “ Don’t cha know,” folksiness, Target, Twin Cities, Great Lakes, Mississippi River, wilderness, countryside, Mayo Clinic, Mall of America, Duluth, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Betty Crocker, Paul Bunyan, Jolly Green Giant, Fargo, Juno, Pilsbury Doughboy, moose, hipsters, Lake Woebegone, Aerial Lift Bridge, Minehaha Falls, Lake Minnetonka, Bloomington, Rochester, Minnetonka, Coon Rapids, Land O’ Lakes, General Mills, Supervalu, Best Buy, 3M, farming, elk, caribou, bald eagles, snowy owls, fishing, suburbs, Woodbury, lutefisk, butter sculptures of dairy princesses, foods on a stick, Aquatennial, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Minneapolis Sculpture Garden, water skiing, hockey, curling, skiing, hunting, hiking

 

24. Mississippi

Major General Ulysses S. Grant's hard won strategic victory in capturing Vicksburg, Mississippi on July 4, 1863 would be a major turning point in the US Civil War which would divide the South in two by the Mississippi River. Vicksburg wouldn't formally celebrate the 4th of July for years after this. I know posting a picture pertaining to Vicksburg may offend a lot of Southerners, but it's a very significant moment in American history whether you like it or not.

Major General Ulysses S. Grant’s hard won strategic victory in capturing Vicksburg, Mississippi on July 4, 1863 would be a major turning point in the US Civil War which would divide the South in two by the Mississippi River. Vicksburg wouldn’t formally celebrate the 4th of July for years after this. I know posting a picture pertaining to Vicksburg may offend a lot of Southerners, but it’s a very significant moment in American history whether you like it or not.

Abbreviation: MS
Nickname: “Magnolia State”
Capital: Jackson
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: December 10, 1817
Bird: Northern Mockingbird, Wood Duck
Flower: Magnolia, Coreopsis (Tickseed)
Tree: Southern Magnolia

Celebrities: Jimmy Buffett, Bo Diddley, Medgar Evans, Brett Favre, Shelby Foot, Morgan Freeman, John Grisham, Fannie Lou Hamer, Jim Henson, Faith Hill, John Lee Hooker, James Earl Jones, B. B. King, Trent Lott, Elvis Presley, Muddy Waters, Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, Oprah Winfrey, Richard Wright, Tammy Wynette, Parker Posey, Archie Manning, Britney Spears, William Faulkner, Jefferson Davis, Jerry Rice, Howlin’ Wolf, Fred Phelps, Ida B. Wells, Dana Andrews, Diane Ladd, Dizzy Dean, Steve McNair, Robin Roberts, Tavis Smiley, Shepard Smith, Nathan Bedford Forrest, Sam Cooke, Nate Dogg, Soulja Boy, Gail Borden

Sports Teams: Mississippi Rebels (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture, Chickasaw, Natchez, Biloxi, Yazoo, and Choctaw.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, saw action during the American Civil War at Jackson and Vicksburg, and saw a lot of action during the Civil Rights Movement, particularly during Freedom Summer.

Often Associated With: poverty, the Mississippi River, slavery, the Civil Rights Movement, racism, lynching, Mississippi Burning, rednecks, trailer parks, cotton, plantations, Ole Miss, Southern Gothic Literature, southern belles, Vicksburg, hurricanes, floods, bluegrass, blues, steamboats, casino gambling, In the Heat of the Night, hurricanes, Natchez, Tupelo, Mynelle Gardens, historic mansions, Yazoo River, Bay St. Louis, Biloxi Blues, Biloxi, seasonal flooding

 

25. Missouri

Missouri's Gateway Arch in St. Louis is a monument of US westward expansion and the centerpiece of the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial. At 630ft high it's the tallest man made monument in the Western Hemisphere, the world's tallest Arch and an international symbol of Saint Louis.

Missouri’s Gateway Arch in St. Louis is a monument of US westward expansion and the centerpiece of the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial. At 630ft high it’s the tallest man made monument in the Western Hemisphere, the world’s tallest Arch and an international symbol of Saint Louis.

Abbreviation: MO
Nickname: “Show Me State”
Capital: Jefferson City
Largest City: Kansas City
Entered Union: August 10, 1821
Bird: Eastern Bluebird
Flower: White Hawthorn
Tree: Flowering Dogwood

Celebrities: Harry Truman, Mark Twain, Jesse James and the James-Younger Gang, Chuck Berry, Tina Turner, Sheryl Crow, Maya Angelou, Robert Altman, Burt Bacharach, Josephine Baker, Scott Bakula, Thomas Hart Benton (muralist), Omar Bradley, William S. Burroughs, Dale Carnegie, Walter Cronkite, Bob Costas, Walt Disney, T. S. Elliot, Kate Chopin, Robert A. Heinlein, John Goodman, Betty Grable, Rush Limbaugh, Jon Hamm, Edwin Hubble, Marianne Moore, Reinhold Niebuhr, J. C. Penney, J. John Pershing, Brad Pitt, Joseph Pulitzer, Ginger Rogers, Kathleen Turner, Shelley Winters, Jane Wyman, Scott Joplin, Langston Hughes, Tennessee Williams, Yogi Berra, Stan Musial, Wallace Beery, Don Cheadle, Daniel Boone, Chris Cooper, Jenna Fischer, Dennis Hopper, John Huston, Kevin Kline, Virginia Mayo, Steve McQueen (actor), Geraldine Page, William Powell, Vincent Price, Dick Van Dyke, Cedric the Entertainer, Redd Foxx, Dick Gregory, Dan Piraro, Mort Walker, Charlie “Bird” Parker, Eminem, Bob Barker, Stone Philips, John V. Cox, Randy “Duke” Cunningham, Calamity Jane, Phyllis Schlafly, J. William Fullbright, Ulysses S. Grant, Nellie Tayloe Ross, George Washington Carver, Edwin Hubble, Jack Kilby

Sports Teams: St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs (NFL), St. Louis Cardinals and Kansas City Royals (MLB), and St. Louis Blues (NHL)

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture according to archaeology. Sauk, Fox, Illinois, Osage, Kansa, and Missouri at least to French explorers in the 17th century. Few remained by the 1830s.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, starting point of the Oregon Trail, Jesse James’ exploits, and some natural disasters.

Often Associated With: steamboats, St. Louis, Kansas City, Mississippi River, Missouri River, Mark Twain, swing state politics, Qunatrill’s Raiders, Gateway Arch, geographic confusion, Oregon Trail, smartasses, loose laws on alcohol and tobacco, Meet Me in St. Louis, diverse wildlife, Lake of the Ozarks, J. C. Penney, blues music, St. Joseph, Wilson’s Creek

 

26. Montana

Montana is home to many places of natural beauty yet virtually none come close to Glacier National Park on its border with Canada. Here is St. Mary Lake which is 90 miles long and 300 ft deep. Behind that is Little Chief Mountain which is 9, 541 ft high.

Montana is home to many places of natural beauty yet virtually none come close to Glacier National Park on its border with Canada. Here is St. Mary Lake which is 90 miles long and 300 ft deep. Behind that is Little Chief Mountain which is 9, 541 ft high.

Abbreviation: MT
Nickname: “Treasure State”
Capital: Helena
Largest City: Billings
Entered Union: November 8, 1889
Bird: Western Meadowlark
Flower: Bitteroot
Tree: Ponderosa Pine

Celebrities: Dana Carvey, Gary Cooper, Myrna Loy, Chet Huntley, Jeannette Rankin, Stephen E. Ambrose, Jean Parker, Sitting Bull, F. Augustus Heinze, Chief Joseph, Jack Horner, Ted Kaczynski, Evel Knievel

Sports Teams: Montana Grizzlies and Montana State Bobcats (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Crow, Cheyenne, Blackfeet, Assiniboine, Gros Ventres, Kooteni, Salish, Kalispel, and Pend d’ Oreille. Still has a substantial Native American population.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Lewis and Clark Expedition, Battle of Little Bighorn, Indian Wars, and electing Jeannette Rankin to Congress.

Often Associated With: Rocky Mountains, Missouri River, Glacier National Park, snow, cowboys, cattle ranching, mining, microbrewing, Indian Reservations, Plains Indians, skiing, fishing, hunting, Continental Divide, Little Bighorn, mountain climbing, wilderness, Great Falls, Clark Caverns, wildfires, grizzly bears, cougars, snowmobiles

 

27. Nebraska

Nebraska has a large agricultural sector and is an important producer of beef, pork, corn, soybeans, and sorghum. During the days of the cowboys, it was also a place where they would drop off the cattle for their final journey to the Chicago slaughterhouses.

Nebraska has a large agricultural sector and is an important producer of beef, pork, corn, soybeans, and sorghum. During the days of the cowboys, it was also a place where they would drop off the cattle for their final journey to the Chicago slaughterhouses.

Abbreviation: NE
Nickname: “Cornhusker State”
Capital: Lincoln
Largest City: Omaha
Entered Union: March 1, 1867
Bird: Western Meadowlark
Flower: Goldenrod
Tree: Cottonwood

Celebrities: Fred Astaire, Warren Buffett, Johnny Carson, William Jennings Bryan, Dick Cavett, Dick Cheney, Father Edward J. Flanagan, Crazy Horse, Red Cloud, Gerald Ford, Henry Fonda, Harold Lloyd, Malcolm X, Chuck Hagel, Ted Sorensen, William “Buffalo Bill” Cody, Nick Nolte, Robert Taylor, Darryl F. Zanuck, Ward Bond, Marlon Brando, Montgomery Clift, James Coburn, Dorothy McGwire, Alexander Payne, Hilary Swank, Inga Swenson, Larry the Cable Guy, Willa Cather, Ted Kooser, L. Ron Hubbard, Nicholas Sparks, Joyce Hall, Max Baer, Andy Roddick, Gale Sayers, Brandon Teena

Sports Teams: Creighton Blue Jays, Nebraska Cornhuskers, and Nebraska Mavericks (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Pawnee, Ponca, Omaha, Missouria, and Oto.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Lewis and Clark Expedition, and served as a hub for Populism.

Often Associated With: unicameral state legislature, farming, cattle, cowboys, telemarketing, Indians, prairies, prairie dogs, Nebraska, whiteness, populism, Omaha, Hallmark, Chimney Rock, Ashfall Fossil Beds, Ashland, Arbor Lodge, Great Platte River Road Archway, Nebraska City, Grand Island, Buffalo Bill Ranch, Scotts Bluff, Great Plains, Disected Till Plains, grassland, Toadstool Geologic Park, Ogala National Grassland

 

28. Nevada

Nevada's Las Vegas is a major resort city known for gambling, shopping, fine dining, and nightlife as well as one of the top tourist destinations of the world. Yet, Wikipedia says it's a growing family and retirement city. Well, I can believe the bit about the retirement but as a family city? I mean I wouldn't want to go there on my honeymoon, let alone take my kids to what I think is the sleaziest place on earth.

Nevada’s Las Vegas is a major resort city known for gambling, shopping, fine dining, and nightlife as well as one of the top tourist destinations of the world. Yet, Wikipedia says it’s a growing family and retirement city. Well, I can believe the bit about the retirement but as a family city? I mean I wouldn’t want to go there on my honeymoon, let alone take my kids to what I think is the sleaziest place on earth.

Abbreviation: NV
Nickname: “Sagebrush State,” “Battle Born State,” “Silver State”
Capital: Carson City
Largest City: Las Vegas
Entered Union: October 31, 1864
Bird: Mountain Bluebird
Flower: Sagebrush
Tree: Single Leaf Pinyon Pine, Bristlecone Pine

Celebrities: Andre Agassi, Sarah Winnemucca Hopkins, Pat Nixon, Edna Purviance, Jimmy Kimmel, Tony Curtis, Criss Angel, Penn and Teller

Sports Teams: None

Indian Tribes: Paiute, Shoshone, Washoe, and Walapai. If they have reservations in the area, they probably have their own casinos.

Best Known Moments: Mexican-American War, once part of California and Utah, Hoover Dam built, atomic bomb testing, organized crime had casinos and glitz in Vegas, and other incidents.

Often Associated With: Las Vegas, casino gambling, desert, Elvis Impersonators, Reno, easy divorce laws, precious metals, tacky neon displays, people getting married under the influence, drugs, scantily clad showgirls in feather headdresses, strippers, hookers, The Misfits, Ocean’s 11, Sierra Nevada, the Mojave Desert, Lake Tahoe, Hoover Dam, nuclear testing, Big Band music, has-been celebrity entertainers, organized crime, Yucca Mountain, Area 51, ranching cowboys, crime, smut, old people, Reno 911, daredevil magicians, Valley of Fire

 

29. New Hampshire

New Hampshire's Mt. Washington is well known for its dangerously erratic weather with its highest gust of wind measured at 231 mph on the afternoon of April 12, 1934. At a height of 6, 288 ft, it's the highest peak in the American Northeast and the most prominent east of the Mississippi River.

New Hampshire’s Mt. Washington is well known for its dangerously erratic weather with its highest gust of wind measured at 231 mph on the afternoon of April 12, 1934. At a height of 6, 288 ft, it’s the highest peak in the American Northeast and the most prominent east of the Mississippi River.

Abbreviation: NH
Nickname: “Granite State”
Capital: Concord
Largest City: Manchester
Entered Union: June 21, 1788
Bird: Purple Finch
Flower: Purple Lilac
Tree: White Birch

Celebrities: Daniel Webster, Franklin Pierce, Dan Brown, Salmon P. Chase, Mary Baker Eddy, Horace Greely, Sarah Josepha Hale, Seth Meyers, John Irving, Adam Sandler, Augustus Saint-Gaudens, Alan B. Shepard Jr., Christa McAuliffe, e. e. cummings, Tomie dePaola, Robert Frost, J. D. Salinger, Sarah Silverman, Ken Burns, Adam Lanza, David Petraeus, Lewis Cass, Bishop Gene Robinson, Phineas Gage

Sports Teams: None

Indian Tribes: Pennacook and Abenaki. May have been inhabited 10,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: One of the original 13 Colonies, American Revolution, and industrialization.

Often Associated With: New England, “Live Free or Die,” New Hampshire Primary, NASCAR racing, rich people, skiing, snowmobiles, Dartmouth, gorgeous scenery, Mt. Washington, Peyton Place, farming, Pinkham Notches, Lake Winnipesaukee, Flume Gorge, White Mountains, Shakers, Santa’s Village, Nashua, Concord, Manchester, Mt. Monadnock, maple syrup

 

30. New Jersey

New Jersey’s Atlantic City is famous for its boardwalk, casinos, and beach as well as is home to the Miss America Pageant. Not only that, but this city inspired the original version of Monopoly and was a 1920s hotspot as seen in Boardwalk Empire. Steve Buscemi’s character was based on Prohibition Era kingpin Enoch “Nucky” Johnson known to run Atlantic City’s political machine as well as had an organization involved in bootlegging, gambling, and prostitution. Like Buscemi’s Nucky, the real Nucky also lived in the Ritz Carlton and had a German valet, too.

Abbreviation: NJ
Nickname: “Garden State”
Capital: Trenton
Largest City: Newark
Entered Union: December 18, 1787
Bird: Eastern Goldfinch
Flower: Purple Violet
Tree: Red Oak, Dogwood

Celebrities: Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, Cory Booker, Queen Latifah, Jon Stewart, Jon Bon Jovi, Whitney Houston, Buzz Aldrin, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Joe Pesci, Jason Alexander, Antonin Scalia, Chris Christie, Judy Blume, Grover Cleveland, Thomas Edison, Aaron Burr, Jonathan Edwards, James Gandolfini, Allen Ginsberg, Simon and Garfunkel, Jack Nicholson, Shaquille O’Neal, Dorothy Parker, Wally Schirra, Paul Robeson, Philip Roth, both H. Norman Schwartzkopfs, Martha Stewart, Walt Whitman, Woodrow Wilson, William Carlos Williams, Patti Smith, Debbie Harry, Danny DeVito, Count Baise, Joan Bennett, Betsy Blair, Zach Braff, Roscoe Lee Brown, Abbott and Costello, Peter Dinklage, Taye Diggs, Jerry Lewis, George Clinton, Jim McGreevey, George R. R. Martin, Michael Douglas, Janet Evanovich, Steve Forbes, Donald Fagen, Vera Farmiga, Barney Frank, Chelsea Handler, Ed Harris, Franco Harris, Paul Krugman, Lauryn Hill, Enoch “Nucky” Johnson, Artie Lange, Mark and Scott Kelly, Dr. Alfred Kinsey, Ernie Kovacs, Jane Krakowski, Larry Kudlow, Nathan Lane, Frank Langella, Ray Liotta, Andrew Napolitano, Alice Paul, Kal Penn, Isaac Redman, Kelly Ripa, Tom Ruegger, Eva Marie Saint, Roy Scheider, Bitty Schram, Joel Silver, Mira Sorvino, Meryl Streep, John Travolta, Paul Volcker, Patrick Warburton, Flip Wilson, Anne Hathaway, Anthony Bourdain, Tom Cruise, William Demarest, Milton Friedman, Valerie Harper, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Malkin, Carl Lewis, Richard Lewis, G. Gordon Liddy, Bill Maher, Brittany Murphy, John C. McGinley, Anna Quindlen, Christopher Reeve, Michelle Rodriguez, Carl Sagan, Susan Sarandon, Bruce Willis, Teresa Wright, Brooke Shields, Robert Blake, Jack Abramoff, Mel Ferrer, Janeane Garoalo, Sterling Hayden, Derek Jeter, Ice T, Richard Kind, Norman Mailer, Daniel Pearl, Dennis Rodman, Dana Reeve, Paul Rudd, Zoe Saldana, Kevin Spacey, Dave Thomas, Alan Alda, Paul Anka, Muhammad Ali, Yogi Berra, George Bensen, Andre Brauger, Mary J. Blige, Connie Chung, Stephen Colbert, Mary Higgins Clark, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Lil’ Kim, Donovan McNabb, Eddie Murphy, Maury Povich, Aidan Quinn, Geraldo Rivera, Chris Rock, Wesley Snipes, Stevie Wonder, Albert Einstein

Sports Teams: New Jersey Devils (NHL), New York Giants and New York Jets (NFL), Rutgers Scarlet Knights, Seton Hall Pirates, and Princeton Tigers (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Lennie-Lenape

Best Known Moments: Part of New York while it was New Netherland, one of the original 13 Colonies, saw battles of Trenton, Princeton, and Monmouth during the American Revolution, Atlantic City was a hotspot in the 1920s thanks to the efforts pf Enoch “Nucky” Johnson who made sure Prohibition had no effect there, site of the Hindenburg disaster and Lindbergh baby kidnapping, and Hurricane Sandy.

Often Associated With: Bruce Springsteen, politically engineered traffic jams, corruption, The Sopranos, Boardwalk Empire, rudeness, swearing, Jersey Shore, tanning, Italians, gangsters, Jersey Boys, toxic waste dumps, Delaware River, suburbs, Glacial Lake Passaic, Princeton, crime, organ snatching rabbis, Atlantic City, Monopoly game (all original editions have it modeled after Atlantic City), Miss America Pageant, Menlo Park, multiculturalism, Rutgers, Seton Hall, casino gambling, commuters to Philly or NYC, big hair, shopping malls, pollution, garbage, diners, weirdos, rich people, good schools, intellectuals, the Jersey Shore, Asbury Park, no self-service gas stations, American Hustle, Superfund sites, Jersey accents, “Joisey,” Lindbergh baby kidnapping, Hindenburg disaster, “Oh, the humanity!,” Ocean City, Wildwood, boardwalks, beaches, gambling, Camden, High Point Monument, Palisades, Great Falls of the Passaic River, Delaware Water Gap, rock music, George Washington Bridge, Hurricane Sandy, Newark, the Ritz-Carlton

In These United States: Part 2 – Hawaii to Maryland

In my last post, I covered Alabama to Georgia on my series of US States. In this installment, I’ll cover ten more states in this great country from Hawaii to Maryland. First, we’ll go to the tropical Pacific Island of Hawaii known for its active volcanoes,Tiki luaus and hula dances, putting leas on people, Hawaiian shirts, and Pearl Harbor, a day which would live in infamy and would provide the inspiration of a Michael Bay movie destined to become an infamous craptastrophe. Second, it’s off to Idaho best known for its natural wonders and potatoes. Actually it’s better known for its potatoes, but it has a lot of great natural stuff, too. Third, we venture to the land of Lincoln Illinois, home of Chicago, deep dish pizza, an infamous reputation for political corruption, Prohibition Era gangsters, the Sears Tower, and so much more. Then we go to Indiana known as the “other land of Lincoln” as well as the site of the Indianapolis 500, the Colts, Tippecanoe, Notre Dame, Dillinger, and not much else. Seriously, there’s not a lot associated with Indiana. Next, we’re off to Iowa best known for their corn and it being the birthplace of that grossly overrated actor John Wayne (hey, call him a national treasure or cultural icon but I can’t help saying that he seriously sucks in more ways than one). After that, we go to Kansas best associated with its infamous school boards, heated political bloodbaths, Westboro Baptist Church, tornadoes, and The Wizard of Oz. Seriously, I don’t what’s the matter with Kansas these days but at least it’s not the early days when settlers were killing each other over the question of slavery. Then, it’s on to Kentucky place of bluegrass, hard liquor, and the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs. Next, it’s off to Louisiana famous for New Orleans home to jazz as well as nearly destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. After that, we’re back to New England with Maine best known for beaches, lighthouses, seafood, and a setting for Stephen King novels since he’s from there. Finally, we arrive to Maryland best associated with Edgar Allan Poe, Fort McHenry, the Preakness, and anything pertaining to The Wire.

 

11. Hawaii

Hawaii has always been seen as an island paradise and an ideal vacation destination. However, keep in mind that this state is prone to stuff like tsunamis, hurricanes, and volcanic eruptions. Not to mention, the local wildlife is threatened with introductions of invasive species, too.

Hawaii has always been seen as an island paradise and an ideal vacation destination. However, keep in mind that this state is prone to stuff like tsunamis, hurricanes, and volcanic eruptions. Not to mention, the local wildlife is threatened with introductions of invasive species, too.

Abbreviation: HI
Nickname: “Aloha State”
Capital: Honolulu
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: August 21, 1959
Bird: Nene (Hawaiian Goose)
Flower: Pua Aloala (Yellow Hibscus)
Tree: Kukui (Candle Nut)

Celebrities: Barack Obama, Saint Damien du Veuster (or of Molokai), Daniel K. Inouye, King Kamehamha and his family, Queen Liliuokalani, Bruno Mars, Bette Midler, Roseanne Barr, Robert Ballard, Hiram Bingham III, Richard Chamberlain, Charo, Sanford B. Dole, Nicole Kidman, Ferdinand Marcos, James A. Michener, Arthur Murray, Jim Nabors, Timothy Olymphant, Troy Polamalu, the Kingston Trio, Tom Selleck, Mother Marianne Cope, Duke Kahanamoku

Sports Teams: None

Indian Tribes: Not exactly but it was inhabited by Polynesians and later became a kingdom.

Best Known Moments: Visit by James Cook in 1778, had kingdom until it was deposed by the Sanford B. Dole Fruit Company, annexed as a US territory in the 1890s, and saw the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor in 1941 leading to US entry in WWII.

Often Associated With: flower leas, Hawaiian shirts, lava spurting volcanoes, palm trees, beaches, pineapples, hula dance, grass skirts, coconut bras, Polynesian Natives, surfer dudes, coconuts, Asians, high cost of living, tiki style, roasting pigs, ukuleles, exotic birds, boats, water skiing, tsunamis, tropical climate, Hawaii Five-O, exotic flowers, macadamia nuts, The Descendants, Pro-Bowl, luaus, papayas, Honolulu, Oahu, Maui, Mauna Kea, Mauna Loa, poi, taro, slack-key guitar music, dolphins, sea turtles, jungle, tropical, big waves, Waikiki Beach, windsurfing, waterfalls

 

12. Idaho

Shoshone Falls is just one of Idaho's 63 named waterfalls as well as its most famous. Called "Niagra of the West" it's about 212 ft high (45 ft higher than Niagra Falls) and flows over a rim of 1,000 ft wide. Yet, just because Evel Knievel tried to jump this in 1974, doesn't mean you should.

Shoshone Falls is just one of Idaho’s 63 named waterfalls as well as its most famous. Called “Niagra of the West” it’s about 212 ft high (45 ft higher than Niagra Falls) and flows over a rim of 1,000 ft wide. Yet, just because Evel Knievel tried to jump this in 1974, doesn’t mean you should.

Abbreviation: ID
Nickname: “Gem State”
Capital: Boise
Entered Union: July 3, 1890
Largest City: Same
Bird: Mountain Bluebird
Flower: Syringa
Tree: Western White Pine

Celebrities: Lou Dobbs, Ezra Pound, Picabo Street, Lana Turner, Sacagawea, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Larry Craig, Philo Farnsworth, W. Mark Felt, Ernest Hemingway, Chief Joseph, Paul Kruger, Sarah Palin, Aaron Paul

Sports Teams: Boise State Broncos, Idaho Vandals, and Idaho State Bengals (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Nez Perce, Shoshone, Bannock and Coeur d’Alene. May have been inhabited as early as 14,500 years.
Best Known Moments: Lewis and Clark Expedition and Oregon Trail.

Often Associated With: Rocky Mountains, potatoes, Oregon Trail, farming, mountains, snow, skiing, white supremacists, Hells Canyon, closeted senators in bathroom stalls, Shoshone Falls, Lava Hot Springs, Sun Valley, Craters of the Moon, River of No Return Wilderness Area, snowmobiles, Hagerman Fossil Beds

 

13. Illinois

The Lincoln-Douglas Debates of 1858 US Senate Race marked a high point of Abraham Lincoln's career in Illinois drawing large crowds and intense news coverage. The main issue at hand was slavery and it is here in which Lincoln said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Still, despite Lincoln's outstanding performance, these debates did nothing to increase his chances of being elected to the US Senate, since senators were elected by the state legislature at the time.

The Lincoln-Douglas Debates of 1858 US Senate Race marked a high point of Abraham Lincoln’s career in Illinois drawing large crowds and intense news coverage. The main issue at hand was slavery and it is here in which Lincoln said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Still, despite Lincoln’s outstanding performance, these debates did nothing to increase his chances of being elected to the US Senate, since senators were elected by the state legislature at the time.

Abbreviation: IL
Nickname: “Prairie State”
Capital: Springfield
Largest City: Chicago
Entered Union: December 3, 1818
Bird: Northern Cardinal
Flower: Purple Violet
Tree: White Oak

Celebrities: Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Rahm and Ari Emanuel, Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini, Ray Bradbury, Roger Ebert, Jane Addams, Saul Bellow, John Belushi, Jack Benny, Harrison Ford, John Deere, Al Capone, Betty Friedan, Benny Goodman, Ulysses S. Grant, Ernest Hemingway, Charlton Heston, Edgar Lee Masters, Bob Newhart, Elliot Ness, Cyrus McCormick, Oscar Mayer, Carl Sandburg, Shel Silverstein, Adlai E. Stevenson, Philip K. Wrigley, Ray Kroc, Mary Astor, Bill Ayers, Black Hawk, Rod Blagojevich, Robert Bloch, James Brady, Gwendolyn Brooks, William Jennings Bryan, Raymond Chandler, Leonard Chess, Chicago, Diablo Cody, Gary Coleman, Elisha Cook Jr., Sam Cooke, Michael Crichton, John and Joan Cusack, Clarence Darrow, Miles Davis, Bruce Dern, John Dewey, Milton Friedman, Bo Diddley, Philip K. Dick, John Dillinger, Walt Disney, Mike Douglas, Stephen A. Douglas, Wyatt Earp and his brothers, Buddy Ebsen, Louis Farrakhan, Enrico Fermi, Marshall Field, Bobby Fischer, Dan Fogelberg, Betty Ford, Bob Fosse, R. Buckminster Fuller, John Wayne Gacy, Jeff Garlin, Mitzi Gaynor, Stephen Glass, Edward Gorey, Billy Graham, Father Andrew Greely, Kathy Griffin, Buddy Guy, Charles J. Guiteau, Daryl Hannah, Hugh Hefner, Lorraine Hansberry, Robert Hanssen, Ben Hecht, Wild Bill Hickok, William Holden, Edwin Hubble, Rock Hudson, Jennifer Hudson, Burl Ives, Rex Ingram, Mae Jemison, Derrick Jensen, Quincy Jones, Ted Kaczynski, Florence Kelley, R. Kelly, Harvey Korman, Alison Krauss, Gene Krupa, Frankie Laine, Carl Laemmle, John Landis, Leopold and Loeb, Mary Todd Lincoln, Robert Todd Lincoln, John A. Logan, Bernie Mac, Fred MacMurray, Michael and Virginia Madsen, Karl Malden, Terrence Malick, Kenneth Mars, Marlee Matlin, Jenny McCarthy, Frances McDormand, Elizabeth McGovern, Roger McGuinn, Donovan McNabb, Rashard Mendenhall, Ludwig Mies Van Der Rohe, Vincente Minnelli, Bugs Moran, Bill Murray, Baby Face Nelson, Nichelle Nichols, Frank Nitti, Ted Nugent, Catherine O’Leary, Suze Orman, Louella Parsons, Deval Patrick, Mandy Patinkin, Allan Pinkerton, Jeremy Piven, Richard Pryor, George M. Pullman, Aidan Quinn, Harold Ramis, James Earl Ray, Nancy Reagan, John C. Reilly, Marcus Reno, Andy Richter, Jason Robards, Jack Ruby, Lillian Russell, Robert Ryan, Mike Shanahan, Gary Shandling, Michael Shannon, William Shockley, Nate Silver, Patti Smith, Joseph Smith Jr., Gene Siskel, Billy Sunday, Studs Terkel, Johnny Torrio, Dick Van Dyke, Vince Vaughn, Eddie Vedder, Robert Wadlow, Muddy Waters, George Wendt, Betty White, Richard Widmark, Earth, Wind, & Fire, Wilco, George Will, Frances E. Willard, Oprah Winfrey, Bob Woodward, and more than I can include.

Sports Teams: Chicago Bears (NFL), Chicago Cubs an Chicago White Sox (MLB), Chicago Blackhawks (NHL), and Chicago Bulls (NBA)

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture and Illini Confederation. After them came Potawatomi, Miami, Sauk, Ioway, Kickapoo, Mascouten, Piankashaw, Shawnee, Wea, and Winnebago.

Best Known Moments: Northwest Territory, Abraham Lincoln’s pre-presidential career, the Chicago Fire, Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle, Hull House, clashes with unions and police, Al Capone’s activities during Prohibition, and a lot of corruption scandals.

Often Associated With: Chicago deep dish pizza, political corruption, Sears Tower, Prohibition era gangsters, Great Lakes, Abraham Lincoln, Mississippi River, McDonalds, Oscar Mayer, Chicago Tribune, Wrigley, Sears, John Deere, snow, Chicago, blues music, The Jungle, slaughterhouses, Ohio River, Cubs fans, rudeness, jazz, swearing, Marshalls, Chicago Sun-Times, unions, police brutality, the Pinkertons, Second City, multiculturalism, intellectuals, Oprah, celebrities apparently, a lot of movies and TV shows based in Chicago, WGN, public rail system, Michael Jordan, the World’s Fair, skyscrapers, terrible winters, “Sweet Home, Chicago,” mass fires allegedly started by cows kicking lanterns, green rivers on St. Patrick’s Day, Peoria

 

14. Indiana

Every Memorial Day weekend, Indiana plays host to the Indianapolis 500 at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. The race consists of 200 laps over a 2.5 mile oval course. Though it’s not affiliated with NASCAR, you’re better off spending Memorial weekend watching grass grow, baseball, or golf.

Abbreviation: IN
Nickname: “Hoosier State”
Capital: Indianapolis
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: December 11, 1816
Bird: Cardinal
Flower: Peony
Tree: Tulip Tree

Celebrities: Tecumseh, Tenskwatawa, John Dillinger, Michael Jackson and his family, Larry Bird, Ambrose Burnside, Jim Davis, James Dean, Eugene V. Debs, Carole Lombard, David Letterman, Jeff Gordon, Jane Pauley, John Mellencamp, Dan Quayle, Booth Tarkington, Lew Wallace, Kurt Vonnegut, Ryan White, Tony Stewart, Benjamin Harrison, William Henry Harrison, Cole Porter, Ernie Pyle, Abraham Lincoln, George Rogers Clark, John Pointdexter, Little Turtle, Anne Baxter, Irene Dunne, Brendan Fraser, Karl Malden, Dolores Fuller, Steve McQueen (actor), Sydney Pollack, Twyla Tharp, Forrest Tucker, Clifton Webb, Red Skelton, Axl Rose, David Lee Roth, Hoagy Carmichael, Dick York, Jenna Fischer, Mick Foley, Jared Fogle, Colonel Sanders, Alvah Curtis Roebuck, Orville Redenbacher, John Schattner, Norman Bridwell, Will Shortz, Alfred Kinsey, James D. Watson, Virgil I. “Gus” Grissom, Jimmy Hoffa, Jim Jones, Johnny Ringo, Homer Van Meter
Sports Teams: Indianapolis Colts (NFL), Indiana Pacers (NBA), Indiana Hoosiers, Butler Bulldogs, Indiana State Sycamores, Purdue Boilermakers, and Notre Dame Fighting Irish (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture for a long time and had been inhabited since the end of the Ice Age in 8000 BCE. Adena, Hopewell, Shawnee, Illini, and Miami

Best Known Moments: French and Indian War, Northwest Territory, saw action in the War of 1812 with Tecumseh’s rebellion, the Battle of Tippecanoe, and the Battle of Thames, and John Dillinger’s crime sprees in the 1930s.

Often Associated With: Great Lakes, Ohio River, Mississippi River, Parks and Recreation, Indianapolis 500, Indycar racing, Notre Dame, Hoosiers, farming, suburbs, Muncie, Gary, Blandness, A Christmas Story, averageness, whiteness, white basketball players, “Notre Dame Victory Song,” Papa John’s Pizza, Orville Redenbacher, not much happening, Fort Wayne, Terre Haute, John Dillinger, Tippecanoe

 

15. Iowa

Iowa was home to the great Depression Era artist Grant Wood (1891-1942)  who is best known for his American Gothic painting which has become an iconic image of 20th century American Art. This is a painting of his called Arbor Day which is on its state quarter.

Iowa was home to the great Depression Era artist Grant Wood (1891-1942) who is best known for his American Gothic painting which has become an iconic image of 20th century American Art. This is a painting of his called Arbor Day which is on its state quarter.

Abbreviation: IA
Nickname: “Hawkeye State”
Capital: Des Moines
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: December 28, 1846
Bird: Eastern Goldfinch
Flower: Wild Rose
Tree: Oak

Celebrities: Bill Bryson, John Wayne, Johnny Carson, William F. “Buffalo Bill” Cody, George Gallup, Herbert Hoover, Ashton Kutcher, Ann Landers, Abigail Van Buren, Glenn Miller, Cloris Leachman, Lillian Russell, Billy Sunday, Henry Wallace, Kurt Warner, Meredith Wilson, Elijah Wood, Grant Wood, John Wayne Gacy, Black Hawk, Michele Bachman, Bill Daily, Steve Doocy, Mamie Eisenhower, Jim Garrison, Lou Henry Hoover, Lolo Jones, the Lane Sisters, Quashquame, Donna Reed, George Reeves, Ringling Brothers, James Van Allen, Andy Williams

Sports Teams: Iowa State Cyclones and Iowa Hawkeyes (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Mississippian culture and the Ioway, Illiniwek, Omaha, Sauk, Dakota, Otoe, Meskwai, and Ho-Chunk all have roots here. Inhabited more than 13,000 years ago. Indians were kicked out with the 1830s Indian Removal.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Lewis and Clark Expedition, clashed with Indians during the War of 1812, 1830s Indian Removal, and results of the Iowa Caucus.

Often Associated With: farming, corn, Field of Dreams, Iowa Caucuses, Midwestness, Mississippi River, State fairs, swing state politics, progressive politics, James T. Kirk, blandness, whiteness, American Gothic, not much happening, Ringling Brothers, Cedar Rapids, Iowa City, Ames, Waterloo, wheat

 

16. Kansas

J. Steuart Curry's 1929 Tornado Over Kansas is basically a depiction of everything we tend to associate Kansas with. I mean Kansas farm families seeking shelter from a tornado during the Great Depression, we've heard that before. Of course, if this depicted the Dust Bowl, you probably would've thought of Oklahoma. Still, both states were both hit by the Dust Bowl as well as tend to get heavily hit during tornado season.

J. Steuart Curry’s 1929 Tornado Over Kansas is basically a depiction of everything we tend to associate Kansas with. I mean Kansas farm families seeking shelter from a tornado during the Great Depression, we’ve heard that before. Of course, if this depicted the Dust Bowl, you probably would’ve thought of Oklahoma. Still, both states were both hit by the Dust Bowl as well as tend to get heavily hit during tornado season.

Abbreviation: KS
Nickname: “Sunflower State”
Capital: Topeka
Largest City: Wichita
Entered Union: January 29, 1861
Bird: Western Medowlark
Flower: Sunflower
Tree: Cottonwood

Celebrities: Dwight D. Eisenhower, Amelia Earhart, Gwendolyn Brooks, Gordon Parks, Mort Walker, William Burroughs, John Brown, Ed Asner, Kirstie Alley, Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle, Bob Dole, Melissa Etheridge, “Wild Bill” Hickok, Buster Keaton, Hattie McDaniel, Oscar Micheaux, Carrie Nation, Langston Hughes, Charlie Parker, Dennis Hopper, Linda Brown, Joe Walsh, Gale Sayers, Barry Sanders, James Naismith, the Koch Brothers, Russell Stover, Walter Chrysler, Dan and Frank Carney, Hugh Beaumont, Louise Brooks, ZaSu Pitts, Paul Rudd, Eric Stonestreet, Jason Sudeikis, Jim Lehrer, Robert Gates, Gary Hart, Charles Curtis, Kate Richards O’Hare, Arlen Specter, Fred Phelps and family, George Washington Carver, Erin Brockovich, Ann Dunham, Bat Masterson, Kansas

Sports Teams: Kansas State Wildcats and Kansas Jayhawks (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Wichita, Plains, Pawnee, Osage, and Otoe. Inhabited since the Ice Age.

Best Known Moments: Louisiana Purchase, Lewis and Clark Expedition, Mexican-American War, Oregon Trail, served as dumping ground for Indian tribes during the 1830s, Bleeding Kansas, Indian Wars, Carrie Nation smashing saloons, Dust Bowl, and Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka.

Often Associated With: Political bloodbaths in both figurative and literal sense, creationist school boards, tornadoes, The Wizard of Oz, prairies, prairie dogs, Leavenworth, Dodge City, farming, Superman, flatland, cowboys, In Cold Blood, rednecks, demolished trailers, Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, Russell Stover Candies, Pizza Hut, Westboro Baptist Church, heartland, Plains Indians, bison, Dust Bowl, Wichita, sunflowers, wheat, farming, a lot of trails, “Home on the Range,” cattle ranching, the other Kansas City

 

17. Kentucky

Each year on the first Saturday in May since 1872, Kentucky plays host to the renown Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs which is the first of the Triple Crown Races. Unlike the Indianapolis 500, this is race is just one lap along a 1 1/4 mile long tract though the broadcast can go on for hours. Still, whoever wins this race will go on to become the horse we all root for to win the Triple Crown (not won since the 1970s) come the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes.

Each year on the first Saturday in May since 1872, Kentucky plays host to the renown Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs which is the first of the Triple Crown Races. Unlike the Indianapolis 500, this is race is just one lap along a 1 1/4 mile long tract though the broadcast can go on for hours. Still, whoever wins this race will go on to become the horse we all root for to win the Triple Crown (not won since the 1970s) come the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes.

Abbreviation: KY
Nickname: “Bluegrass State”
Capital: Frankfurt
Largest City: Louisville
Entered Union: June 1, 1792
Bird: Cardinal
Flower: Goldenrod
Tree: Tulip Poplar

Celebrities: Daniel Boone, Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, the Everly Brothers, Muhammad Ali, Louis Brandeis, Ned Beatty, John C. Breckinridge, George Clooney, Henry Clay, Rosemary Clooney, Jennifer Lawrence, George “Casey” Jones, D. W. Griffith, Mary Todd Lincoln, Carrie Nation, Diane Sawyer, Colonel Sanders, Zachary Taylor, Hunter S. Thompson, Larry Flynt, Helen Thomas, Jim Bowie, Stephen Bishop, Roy Bean, Johnny Depp, Lee Majors, Victor Mature, Patricia Neal, Rob Riggle, William Shatner, Harry Dean Stanton, Jim Varney, Charles Manson, Loretta Lynn, Ricky Skaggs, Cassius Marcellus Clay, Merriwether Lewis Clark Jr., Thomas Merton

Sports Teams: Kentucky Wildcats, WKU Hilltoppers, and Louisville Cardinals (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Shawnee and Cherokee. Kicked out with Indian Removal in the 1830s.

Best Known Moments: Northwest Territory, Trail of Tears, and other events.

Often Associated With: horse racing, Kentucky Derby, Appalachia, bluegrass music, rednecks, moonshine, coal mining, hillbillies, poverty, Ohio River, Lincoln Log Cabin, tobacco, whiskey, pollution, bourbon, NASCAR racing, Mammouth Cave, Cumberland Gap, Bowling Green, Churchill Downs, KFC, drugs, barbecue, Fort Knox, power outages, Cumberland Gap, Ten Commandments display debates, unusually high political candidacy age laws, a not so influential state Supreme Court, railroads, “My Old Kentucky Home,” heart attack inducing food, Lexington, Louisville, gospel music, Red River Gorge, mint juleps, big hats, Quaker State 400, blue-skinned people, pollution

 

18. Louisiana

In New Orleans, Louisiana, jazz is a music tradition that's played on all sorts of occasions. This painting depicts a New Orleans jazz funeral in which the traditional somber music is replaced with loud, upbeat, raucous music and dancing celebrating the deceased's life.  "When the Saints Go Marching In" is usually a standard tune at these.

In New Orleans, Louisiana, jazz is a music tradition that’s played on all sorts of occasions. This painting depicts a New Orleans jazz funeral in which the traditional somber music is replaced with loud, upbeat, raucous music and dancing celebrating the deceased’s life. “When the Saints Go Marching In” is usually a standard tune at these.

Abbreviation: LA
Nickname: “Pelican State”
Capital: Baton Rouge
Largest City: New Orleans
Entered Union: April 30, 1812
Bird: Brown Pelican
Flower: Magnolia
Tree: Bald Cypress

Celebrities: Huey Long, Peyton and Eli Manning, Terry Bradshaw, Dr. John, Tennessee Williams, Louie Armstrong, Judah P. Benjamin, Ellen DeGeneres, Fats Domino, Lillian Hellman, Braxton Bragg, Kate Chopin, P. G. T. Beauregard, Harry Connick Jr., Wynton Marsalis, Leonidas K. Polk, Anne Rice, Bill Russell, Tim McGraw, Britney Spears, Buddy Guy, Truman Capote, Jim Garrison, Clay Shaw, James Carville, Ryan Clark, Patricia Clarkson, David Duke, Iron Eyes Cody, Mahalia Jackson, Bobby Jindal, Jean Lafitte, Dorothy Lamour, John Larroquette, Lead Belly, Jared Leto, Jerry Lee Lewis, Lil’ Wayne, Jelly Roll Morton, Aaron Neville, Randy Newman, Lee Harvey Oswald, Sister Helen Prejean, Pee Wee Reese, Cokie Roberts, Steven Soderbergh, Kordell Stewart, Jimmy Swaggart, David Vitter, Mike Wallace (football player), Lester Young, Buckwheat Zydeco

Sports Teams: New Orleans Saints (NFL), New Orleans Pelicans (NBA), and LSU Tigers (NCAA Div. I).

Indian Tribes: Mississippian, Marksville, Baytown, Plaquemine, and Fourche Maine cultures for some time. Natchez, Natchitoches, Atchafalaya, Caddo, Choctaw, Tunica, Chitimacha, Chawash, Houma, Tangipahoa, and Avoyel.

Best Known Moments: Accepted Acadian refugees kicked out of their homeland during the French and Indian War, Louisiana Purchase, the Battle of New Orleans, Civil War New Orleans occupation, Hurricane Katrina, and BP Oil Spill as well as other disasters.

Often Associated With: hurricanes, jazz, blues, crime, poverty, Mardis Gras, Creoles, New Orleans, corruption, gumbo, Mississippi River, levees, Mississippi Delta, zydeco, Cajun, French building styles, ibis, A Streetcar Named Desire, egrets, multiculturalism, flooding, raised graves, swamp, ethnic music, Iseno, mosquitos, frogs, crocodiles, French Quarter, The Big Easy, Southern Gothic Literature, “When the Saints Go Marching In,” voodoo, bounty payments to football players, gospel music, blues

 

19. Maine

Maine is well known for its jagged rocky coastline and lighthouses that create picturesque scenery that attracts many tourists and filmmakers. A lot of movies set in New England often feature a jagged coast like Maine's.

Maine is well known for its jagged rocky coastline and lighthouses that create picturesque scenery that attracts many tourists and filmmakers. A lot of movies set in New England often feature a jagged coast like Maine’s.

Abbreviation: ME
Nickname: “Pine Tree State”
Capital: Augusta
Largest City: Portland
Entered Union: March 15, 1820
Bird: Black-Capped Chicadee
Flower: White Pine Cone and Tassle
Tree: Eastern White Pine

Celebrities: Stephen King, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, L. L. Bean, Margaret Chase Smith, Patrick Dempsey, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Edmund Muskie, E. B. White, Dorthea Dix, John Ford, Gladys George, Anna Kendrick, David E. Kelley, Olympia Snowe, John O’Hurley, Nelson Rockefeller, Andrew Wyeth

Sports Teams: None

Indian Tribes: Wabanki, Abenaki, Passamaquoddy, Maliseet, and Penobscot. Wiped out by wars and smallpox.

Best Known Moments: Part of the Massachusetts Bay Colony until statehood and home of the 20th Maine led by Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain who defended Little Round Top during the Battle of Gettysburg.

Often Associated With: lighthouses, seashores, Stephen King novels, evergreen forests, Hawkeye Pierce, L. L. Bean, Acadia National Park, Bar Harbor, boats, lumberjacks, snowmobiles, New England, gorgeous scenery, snow, skiing, rocky cliffs, lobster, seafood

 

20. Maryland

It was in Maryland where Francis Scott Key wrote down the words to “The Star Spangled Banner” after witnessing the battle of Fort McHenry while a prisoner on British ship during the War of 1812. In 1931, those lyrics would become the US national anthem and have been butchered at sporting events ever since.

Abbreviation: MD
Nickname: “Old Line State,” “Free State”
Capital: Annapolis
Largest City: Baltimore
Entered Union: April 28, 1788
Bird: Baltimore Oriole
Flower: Black-Eyed Susan
Tree: White Oak

Celebrities: Babe Ruth, Frederick Douglass, Michael Phelps, Edgar Allan Poe, David Simon, Barry Levinson, John Waters, Charles Carroll of Carrollton, H. L. Mencken, Ogden Nash, Francis Scott Key, Charles Wilson Peale, Upton Sinclair, Roger B. Taney, Harriet Tubman, Montel Williams, Tom Clancy, Benjamin Banneker, Bishop John Carroll, Spiro Agnew, Cal Ripken Jr., Charles Joseph Bonaparte, Thurgood Marshall, Nancy Pelosi, William Paca, Sergeant Shriver, Michael Steele, Rachel Carson, Carl Bernstein, James M. Cain, Connie Chung, Dashiell Hammett, Zora Neale Hurston, Leon Uris, Toni Braxton, Cab Calloway, Billie Holliday, Joan Jett, Frank Zappa, David Hasselhoff, Lewis Black, Edwin and John Wilkes Booth, Goldie Hawn, Divine, Kathie Lee Gifford, Ira Glass, William H. Macy, Mo’Nique Imes Jackson, Edward Norton, Spike Jonze, Martin Lawrence, Sylvester Stallone, Debra Monk, Parker Posey, Jada Pinkett Smith, Pete Sampras, Stephen Decatur, Matthew Henson, Alger Hiss, Samuel Mudd, Johns Hopkins, George Peabody, Ben Stein, Noel “Paul” Stookey

Sports Teams: Baltimore Ravens and Washington Redskins (NFL), and Baltimore Orioles (MLB)

Indian Tribes: Nanticoke, Piscataway, and Susquehannock.

Best Known Moments: Its founding by Lord Baltimore as a haven for English Catholics, one of the original 13 Colonies, American Revolution, Father John Carroll appointed first American Catholic Bishop, Battle of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812, early life of Frederick Douglass, Battle of Antietam during the American Civil War, and the Camp David Accords.

Often Associated With: inner city drug wars, The Wire, Homicide: Life on the Street, Hairspray, crabs, Ravens fans, Chesapeake Bay, harbor, boats, inner city conditions, Baltimore, Edgar Allan Poe, Camp David, beaches, Ocean City, seafood, Inner Harbor, U. S. Naval Academy, B & O Railroad, Mason-Dixon Line, The Baltimore Sun, Johns Hopkins University, Preakness Stakes, Fort McHenry

In These United States: Part 1 – Alabama to Georgia

The United States is a large country with a lot of interesting places, cultures, and people to see. Yet, what many outside the country forget that it’s a union of states each with its own history and characteristics. I mean we Americans don’t even talk or look the same way. Heck, we can’t all agree how to pronounce the word “aunt” correctly (my take: the “u” is silent.) Still, in this five part series, I’ll go over what each state has to offer, who inhabited the place before Europeans arrived, their resident sports teams, their best known moments in history, and people from there who became famous. However, here are a few pointers:

State sports teams usually consist of best known in the state everyone knows about whether they be college or professional.

Just because a celebrity is listed as being from that particular state doesn’t mean he or she was necessarily born or died there. It just means that he or she is associated with that state a lot whether they were born, died, grew up there, live there, or have a house there. Also, to be a celebrity listed one needs to achieve some sort of lasting fame or the fact everyone knows or should know about them.

Celebrities can consist of any famous person, not just the people known as “celebrities.”
State Indian Tribes usually consist of the Indian groups that inhabited the state before Europeans came along.

Best known moments include stuff that most people would know from American history from either their textbook or the media, not necessarily history just people from that state would know.

In this selection, we’ll explore what many call the birthplace of the Civil Rights Movement, good ol’ Alabama. However, contrary to “Sweet Home Alabama,” we must remember that the original members of Lynyrd Skynyrd are actually from Florida. Second, we venture to the great state of the North Alaska which many would associate with its diverse arctic wildlife and beautiful mountain ranges as well as its onetime bitch of a governor who could see Russia from her house. Third, we go to the desert Grand Canyon state of Arizona known for the Gunfight at the O. K. Corral as well as illegal immigration laws that encourage racial profiling. Then, we go to the Appalachian mountain state of Arkansas famous for Wal-Mart, Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, and offensive stereotypes. Next, it’s off to the great state of California, famous for Hollywood and gorgeous scenery as well as it’s interesting vast population that many call the Cereal State because they believe consists of fruits, nuts, and flakes. Then it’s on to Colorado whose unofficial anthem seems to now be John Denver’s “Rocky Mountain High,” partly because of it’s high elevation (hint: its lowest point is higher than the highest point of my home state Pennsylvania) and the fact that pot is basically legal making some of the song lyrics to that famed John Denver song unintentionally hilarious. Next, it’s off to Connecticut known for Yale, Mark Twain, it’s discrimination of non-WASPs in their suburban communities during the 1940s as depicted in Gentleman’s Agreement, and the fact many celebrities live there for some reason. Then there’s Delaware known for being the first state to ratify the constitution, a haven for corporations, and not much else. After that is Florida where many people either venture for vacation or to retire as well as Disney World, Miami, and racist “Stand Your Ground Laws.” Finally, we have the state of Georgia home of Ted Turner as well as where General William Tecumseh Sherman marched to the sea in Gone With the Wind.

1. Alabama

Alabama is known as the home of famous African American scientist George Washington Carver who pioneered alternative crops to cotton for poorer farms such as peanuts, potatoes, soybeans, and yams. He contributed most of his life's work while a professor at the Tuskegee Institute. Still, this doesn't help that most people know him today as

Alabama is known as the home of famous African American scientist George Washington Carver who pioneered alternative crops to cotton for poorer farms such as peanuts, potatoes, soybeans, and yams. He contributed most of his life’s work while a professor at the Tuskegee Institute. Still, this doesn’t help that most people know him today as “the peanut guy.”

Abbreviation: AL

Nickname: “Heart of Dixie,” “Camellia State”
Capital: Montgomery
Largest City: Birmingham
Entered Union: December 14, 1819
Bird: Yellowhammer, Wild Turkey
Flower: Camellia, Oak-Leaf Hydrangea
Tree: Longleaf Pine

Celebrities: Hank Aaron, Harper Lee, George Washington Carver, Booker T. Washington, Helen Keller, George C. Wallace, Willie Mays, Hugo Black, Jesse Owens, Coretta Scott King, Hank Williams, Rosa Parks, Lionel Richie, Charles Barkley, Tallulah Bankhead, Werner von Braun, Jimmy Buffett, Truman Capote, Nat King Cole, Angela Davis, Louise Fletcher, Emmylou Harris, Evander Holyfield, Zora Neale Hurston, Bo Jackson, Mae Jemison, Martin Luther King Jr., Carl Lewis, Joe Louis, Jim Nabors, Terrell Owens, Satchel Paige, Wilson Pickett, Condoleezza Rice, Zelda Fitzgerald, Fred Thompson, Jimmy Wales,

Sports Teams: The University of Alabama Crimson Tide (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Creek, Cherokee, Chickasaw, Alabama, Koati, and Choctaw, according to the Spanish accounts of the early 1500s. Most of these would be forced out west by with the Indian Removal Act in the 1830s. Had Mississippian culture in most of the state for about 500 years.

Best Known Moments: The Louisiana Purchase, the Trail of Tears in the 1830s, the Battle of Mobile Bay in 1864, site of the Scotsboro Boys scandal, headquarters for the Tuskegee Airmen during WWII, and the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott sparked by Rosa Parks as well as other demonstrations during the Civil Rights Movement, especially in Birmingham and Selma.

Often Associated With: cotton, slavery, the Civil Rights Movement, rednecks, Skynyrd fans, Southern Rock, “Sweet Home Alabama,” Lynyrd Skynyrd (despite being from Florida), rocketry, Huntsville, Mobile, “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.,” NASCAR Racing, To Kill a Mockingbird, racism, lynching, Mississippi River, Tuskegee Airmen, Montgomery, Birmingham, hogging college football state championships

2. Alaska

Alaska is renown for its gorgeous scenery and diverse wildlife now under threat by human activity and global warming. This painting depicts grizzly bears catching salmon from the river with the seagulls waiting for leftovers and a bald eagle soaring high.

Alaska is renown for its gorgeous scenery and diverse wildlife now under threat by human activity and global warming. This painting depicts grizzly bears catching salmon from the river with the seagulls waiting for leftovers and a bald eagle soaring high.

Abbreviation: AK
Nickname: “The Last Frontier”
Capital: Juneau
Largest City: Anchorage
Entered Union: January 3, 1959
Bird: Willow Ptarmigan
Flower: Forget-Me-Not
Tree: Sitka Spruce

Celebrities: Jewel (Kilcher), Sarah Palin, Valerie Plame Wilson, Bob Ross, Robert Stroud

Sports Teams: None.

Indian Tribes: Tinglit, Haida, Aleut, Inuit, Y’upik, Alutiiq, Inupiat, and Athabascan. Many of these are actually still living in their native region. Was the first stop of the Bering Strait people about 13,000 years ago.

Best Known Moments: Bering Strait Crossing 13,000 years ago, its purchase from Russia by William Seward in 1867, Klondike Gold Rush in 1896, 1925 Serum Run, Trans-Alaskan Pipeline construction during the 1970s, and Exxon-Valdez Oil Spill.

Often Associated With: Sarah Palin, oil, the Iditarod, polar bears, Northern Lights, moose, tundra and polar wilderness, wild frontiers, winter, glaciers, Totem poles, sled dog racing, Northern Exposure, caribou, Eskimos, huskies, igloos, puffins, bush pilots, aerial wolf hunting, “Bridge to Nowhere,” 24 hours of sunshine in summers, 24 hours of darkness in winters, glaciers, melting ice caps, oil spills, the Arctic, Denali, ANWAR, Fairbanks, Anchorage, Glacier Bay, hunting, weirdos, the Klondike, seals

3. Arizona

Arizona is home to the Grand Canyon which is one of the more famous national parks of the United States. It is 277 miles long and up to 18 miles wide with a depth of over a mile. It's also known to be about 2 billion years old.

Arizona is home to the Grand Canyon which is one of the more famous national parks of the United States. It is 277 miles long and up to 18 miles wide with a depth of over a mile. It’s also known to be about 2 billion years old.

Abbreviation: AZ
Nickname: “Grand Canyon State”
Capital: Phoenix
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: February 14, 1912
Bird: Cactus Wren
Flower: Saguaro Blossom
Tree: Palo Verde

Celebrities: Cochise, Alice Cooper, Geronimo, Gabrielle Giffords, Barry Goldwater, Zane Grey, Linda Ronstadt, John McCain, Frank Lloyd Wright, Sandra Day O’Connor, Cesar Chavez, Steven Spielberg, Stevie Nicks, Pat Tillman, Ira Hayes, Glenn Campbell, Waylon Jennings, Buck Owens, Wyatt Earp and his brothers, “Doc” Holliday, Joe Arpaio

Sports Teams: Arizona Cardinals (NFL), Phoenix Suns (NBA), Arizona Diamondbacks (MLB), Arizona Coyotes (NHL).

Indian Tribes: Anasazi, Mogollon, and Hohokam between c. 300 BCE to 1300. Navajo and Apache in the 15th century. Sobaipuri who were there since who knows when.

Best Known Moments: Stop during the Francisco Coronado expedition in the 1500s, Mexican American War, Apache Wars, Gunfight at the O. K. Corral, site of Japanese Internment camps in WWII, and the Tucson shooting.

Often Associated With: Southwest Indians, unfair laws related to targeting Hispanics on suspicion of illegal immigration, canyons, desert, cowboys, cattle, Mexicans, country music, the Grand Canyon, cacti, mesa, Petrified Forest, coyotes, ranches, Indian ruins, Tombstone, Spanish missions, Biosphere 2, London Bridge, Tempe, Yuma, Glen Canyon, Meteor Crater at Winslow, Tuscon, controversial sheriffs with questionable ideas about law enforcement, adobes, “The Grand Canyon Waltz,” Rocky Mountains, Continental Divide

4. Arkansas

Edward Washburn's 1858 The Arkansas Traveler depicts a wealthy farmer with a family of squatters. However, this painting is an icon of how many perceive Arkansas as a bunch of shiftless hillbillies which isn't helped by the state suffering a racial stigma from the American Civil War which helped lead to the Little Rock Nine.

Edward Washburn’s 1858 The Arkansas Traveler depicts a wealthy farmer with a family of squatters. However, this painting is an icon of how many perceive Arkansas as a bunch of shiftless hillbillies which isn’t helped by the state suffering a racial stigma from the American Civil War which helped lead to the Little Rock Nine.

Abbreviation: AR
Nickname: “The Natural State,” “The Razorback State”
Capital: Little Rock
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: June 15, 1836
Bird: Mockingbird
Flower: Apple Blossom
Tree: Pine

Celebrities: Sam Walton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Daisy Bates, Glen Campbell, Johnny Cash, John Grisham, Levon Helm, Douglas MacArthur, Scottie Pippen, Al Green, Billy Bob Thornton, James William Fullbright, Maya Angelou, Alan Ladd, Helen Gurley Brown, Charles Portis, Mike Huckabee, Eldridge Cleaver, Bill Hicks

Sports Teams: The University of Arkansas Razorbacks (NCAA Div. I Football)

Indian Tribes: Caddo, Quapaw, Osage, Cherokee, and Choctaw most of them forced out west by the 1830s Indian Removal Act.

Best Known Moments: Visits by Hernando de Soto, Jacques Marquette, Louis Jolliet, and Robert La Salle, the Louisiana Purchase, 1830s Trail of Tears, and the Little Rock Nine of 1957.

Often Associated With: Wal Mart, rednecks, bluegrass music, country music, racism, hillbillies, the Ozarks, Mississippi River, moonshine, Appalachia, Little Rock

5. California

Of course, California is a state of many diverse wealth and beauty. Yet, it's best remembered as the home of Hollywood which has been the film capital of the world for generations. Here is a painting of an assortment of iconic Old Hollywood screen legends we all knew and love throughout the ages.

Of course, California is a state of many diverse wealth and beauty. Yet, it’s best remembered as the home of Hollywood which has been the film capital of the world for generations. Here is a painting of an assortment of iconic Old Hollywood screen legends we all knew and love throughout the ages.

Abbreviation: CA
Nickname: “Golden State”
Capital: Sacramento
Largest City: Los Angeles
Entered Union: September 9, 1850
Bird: California Valley Quail
Flower: California Poppy
Tree: California Redwood

Celebrities: Gregory Peck, Clint Eastwood, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Harvey Milk, Cesar Chavez, George Takei, Tom Brady, Robert Redford, Beck, Julia Child, Carson Daly, Iva Toguri D’Aquino (a. k. a. “Tokyo Rose”), Cameron Crowe, Jeremy Renner, Keri Russell, Diane Keaton, Huey Lewis, Eva Longoria, Keb’ Mo,’ Kevin Costner, Oscar De La Hoya, Bo Derek, Laura Dern, Robert Duvall, John Cage, Ed Begley Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio, Joe DiMaggio, Tom Hanks, Jack London, Bret Harte, William Randolph Hearst, John C. Fremont, Steve Jobs, Angelina Jolie, Monica Lewinsky, Maroon 5, Will Ferrell, Mel Blanc, John Sutter, Andy Samberg, Walt Stack, Leland Stanford Jr., Gwen Stefani, Chuck Yeager, George Lucas, Jenifer Aniston, Green Day, Tyra Banks, Marilyn Monroe, John Muir, Gwenyth Paltrow, George S. Patton Jr., Nancy Pelosi, Sally Ride, William Saroyan, John Steinbeck, Levi Strauss, Phil Mickelson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Father Junipero Serra, Shirley Temple, Danielle Steele, David Strathairn, Earl Warren, the Williams Sisters, Barry Bonds, Jeff Bridges and family, Josh Brolin and dad, Lindsey Buckingham, Nicholas Cage, the Carradines, the Barrymores, Sasha Cohen, Tiger Woods, Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio and his brothers, Isadora Duncan, Sally Field, Sean Astin, Peggy Fleming, Jodie Foster, Tim Burton, James Franco, Cher, Robert Frost, Dian Fossey, Merle Haggard, Daniel Handler (a.k.a. Lemony Snicket), Thomas Kinkade, Bruce Lee, Jeff Gordon, Randy Newman, Danny Glover, Jason Giambi, Margaret Cho, Bryan Cranston, James Cromwell, David Crosby, Ice Cube, Cameron Diaz, Creedence Clearwater Revival, the Beach Boys, O. J. Simpson, Charles R. Schwab, Darryl Strawberry, Amy Tan, Natalie Wood, Kristi Yamaguchi, Steve Wozniack, Gene Hackman, Patty Hearst, Jonah Hill, John Williams, Flogging Molly, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Guns N’ Roses, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamil, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mark Sanchez, Jason Schwartzman, Harry Shearer, Josh Groban, Jefferson Airplane, Dr. Dre, Bob Hope, Domencio “Domingo” Ghirardelli Sr., Steve Martin, Johnny Mathis, Buck Owens, Carlos Santanna, Dustin Hoffman, the Hustons, Metallica, Mark McGwire, Helen Hunt, Etta James, Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Marion Jones, Ashley Judd, Pauline Kael, Michelle Kwan, Weird Al, the Doors, Gloria Grahame, Lynn Swann, Farley Granger, Van Halen, Billie Jean King, Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal, Yashiro Ishimoto, Janet Leigh, Jamie Lee Curtis, George Lopez, Courtney Love, Willie McCool, Audra McDonald, Robert McNamara, Liza Minnelli, Edward James Olmos, Sam Peckinpah, Sean Penn, Michael Richards, Tim Robbins, Aaron Rodgers, Pete Rozelle, Tony Romo, Jon Lovitz, the Coppolas, Rube Goldberg, the Grateful Dead, Marcus Benjamin, Michael Bay, Herb Alpert, Ansel Adams, Reggie Bush, Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, Jason Segel, Tupac Shakur, Richard Sherman, Robert Stack and many more I can’t include right now.

Sports Teams: Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers, and San Francisco 49ers (NFL), Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Dodgers, San Francisco Giants, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and San Diego Padres (MLB), Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, and Sacramento Kings (NBA), Los Angeles Kings, Anaheim Ducks, and San Jose Sharks (NHL), and UCLA Bruins and USC Trojans (NCAA Div. I Football and Basketball).

Indian Tribes: Inhabited by over 70 tribes and was one of the most diverse regions of Pre-Columbian America

Best Known Moments: Mexican-American War, Fremont Expedition, California Gold Rush of 1849, Compromise of 1850, The Donner Party Incident, Asian discrimination, mass migration in the 20th century due to Hollywood and the Great Depression, San Francisco Earthquake, Japanese Interment during WWII, lots of demonstrations, and other events

Often Associated With: liberals, hippies, stoners, Hollywood, celebrities, rich people, pop culture, Valley girls, surfer dudes, burnouts, weirdos, hipsters, Silicon Valley, gays, Latinos, Spanish Missions, desert, Redwood Forests, tree huggers, intellectuals, earthquakes, New Agers, wine, LA, cowboys, gold, Yosemite National Park, Death Valley, LAPD, race riots, illegal immigrants, pot, computer geeks, Asians, prison overcrowding, multiculturalism, water shortages, wildfires, a lot of TV shows and movies I can’t even count, Los Angeles Times, the Golden Gate Bridge, beach, hipsters, suburbs, cacti, Frisco, film noir, San Francisco Bay, Berkeley, San Diego, San Andreas Fault, homeless people, traffic congestion, smog, expensive real estate, Hollywood, urban hellscapes, gorgeous scenery, yuppies, Disneyland, Mojave Desert, Sierra Nevada, Cascade Range, bikers, Alcatraz, fancy houses, San Francisco Chronicle, gang wars, ghost towns, serial killers, military bases, Sonoran Desert, Sequoia, Bristlecone Pines, the Joshua Tree, Mill Valley, Rose Bowl Parade, Pasadena, Beverly Hills, Kings Canyon, Redwood National Park, Lassen Volcanic, Long Beach, Oakland, Monterrey, San Jose, volcanoes, drought, Stanford

6. Colorado

Pikes Peak is one of Colorado's best known places of natural beauty in the Rocky Mountains. Though discovered by a man named Zebulon Pike Jr. in 1806, it was this mountain that helped inspire Kathie Lee Bates to write

Pikes Peak is one of Colorado’s best known places of natural beauty in the Rocky Mountains. Though discovered by a man named Zebulon Pike Jr. in 1806, it was this mountain that helped inspire Kathie Lee Bates to write “America the Beautiful.”

Abbreviation: CO
Nickname: “Centennial State”
Capital: Denver
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: August 1, 1876
Bird: Lark Bunting
Flower: Rocky Mountain Columbine
Tree: Colorado Blue Spruce

Celebrities: Tim Allen, Molly Brown, M. Scott Carpenter, Mamie Eisenhower, Douglas Fairbanks Sr., Lon Chaney Sr., the South Park Guys, Don Cheadle, Antoinette Perry, Gordon Cooper, Kalpana Chawla, Jack Dempsey, John Elway, Lowell Thomas, Dalton Trumbo, Karl Rove, Adam McKay, Gary Hart, Temple Grandin , William F. “Buffalo Bill” Cody

Sports Teams: Denver Broncos (NFL), Denver Nuggets (NBA), Colorado Rockies (MLB), and Colorado Avalanche (NHL)

Indian Tribes: Ancient Pueblo Peoples lived between 11200 to 3000 BCE, Ute, Arapaho, Cheyenne, Apache, and Comanche.

Best Known Moments: Zebulun Pike Expedition, Mexican American War, Indian Wars, Colorado Silver Boom, and two mass shootings at Columbine and Aurora.

Often Associated With: Rocky Mountains, high elevation, pot, stoners, hipsters, health nuts, hippies, outdoors stuff, desert, wilderness, John Denver, “Rocky Mountain High,” Continental Divide, snowcap mountains, multiculturalism, weirdos, New Agers, suburbs, hipsters, canyons, Indian ruins, South Park, cowboys, pioneers, tree huggers, Pikes Peak, skiing, Denver, Red Rocks Park, Black Canyon, Colorado Springs, Mesa Verde, Aspen, Grand Mesa, Cripple Creek, getting high, Columbine, Aurora

7. Connecticut

Like a lot of places in New England Connecticut is well known for its picturesque scenery and towns with fixtures like barns and steeple churches. Kind of explains why so many celebrities tend to live there.

Like a lot of places in New England Connecticut is well known for its picturesque scenery and towns with fixtures like barns and steeple churches. Kind of explains why so many celebrities tend to live there.

Abbreviation: CT
Nickname: “Constitution State,” “Nutmeg State”
Capital: Hartford
Largest City: Bridgeport
Entered Union: January 9, 1788
Bird: American Robin
Flower: Mountain Laurel
Tree: Charter White Oak

Celebrities: Katharine Hepburn, Ethan Allen, P. T. Barnum, Mark Twain, Suzanne Collins, J. P. Morgan, George H. W. Bush, George W. Bush, Charles Dow, Jackie Robinson, Eli Whitney, Noah Webster, Ralph Nader, Norman Lear, Seth MacFarlane, Cordell Hull, Robert Mitchum, Nathan Hale, Charles Ives, Roger Sherman, Christopher Walken, Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Richard Belzer, Ernest Borgnine, Kevin Bacon, Ed Begley, Art Carney, Glenn Close, Paul Giamatti, Elia Kazan, Matt Lauer, David Letterman, Christopher Lloyd, Israel Putnam, Frederick March, John Ratzenberger, Rosiland Russell, Kyra Sedgwick, Ed Sullivan, Sam Waterson, Walter Camp, Bruce Jenner, William F. Buckley Jr., Charlotte Perkins Gillman, Madeleine L’ Engle, Dr. Benjamin Spock, Philip Roth, Maurice Sendak, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Wallace Stevens, Samuel Colt, Charles Goodyear, Martha Stewart, Ann Coulter, Denis Leary, Joan Rivers, Andy Rooney, Benedict Arnold, John Brown, 50 Cent, Leonard Bernstein, Dave Brubeck, Michael Bolton, the Carpenters, Dean Acheson, Henry Kissinger, Lyman Hall, Joe Lieberman, Clare Boothe Luce, Gideon Welles, Jonathan Edwards, Helen Keller, Alfred P. Sloan, John Trumbull, Frederick Law Olmstead, Glen Beck, Phil Donahue, Igor Sikorsky, Anne Baxter, Marilyn Chambers, Michael J. Fox, Justin Long, Ted Knight, Dylan McDermott, Wally Lamb, Annie Leibowitz, Robert Ludlum, Stephanie Meyer, Arthur Miller, Ida Tarbell, Oliver Wolcott

Sports Teams: UConn Huskies (NCAA Div. I Basketball), Quinnipac University Bobcats (NCAA Div. I Basketball and Hockey), Yale Bulldogs (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Mohegan, Pequot, Paugusetts, and others. Probably died from war and small pox.

Best Known Moments: One of the original 13 Colonies, American Revolution, Discrimination in suburban communities in the 20th century, and school shooting at Newtown.

Often Associated With: Yale, rich people, New England, intellectuals, suburbs, old money, picturesque countryside, lighthouses, seaside, sailboats, small farms, Gentlemen’s Agreement, celebrities apparently, Bridgeport, Gillette Castle, New Haven, harbors, golfing, covered bridges, Darien, Waterbury, steeple churches, spoiled prep school kids, Newtown

8. Delaware

“Recruiting Peter Stuyvesant's Army for the Recapture of Fort Casimir,” is an 1838 paining by Albertus Del Orient Browere. Of course, many don't know that Delaware used to belong to the Dutch West India Company before the Brits seized it during the Second Anglo-Dutch War. Of course, Fort Casmir was later renamed New Castle and its still that way today.

“Recruiting Peter Stuyvesant’s Army for the Recapture of Fort Casimir,” is an 1838 paining by Albertus Del Orient Browere. Of course, many don’t know that Delaware used to belong to the Dutch West India Company before the Brits seized it during the Second Anglo-Dutch War. Of course, Fort Casmir was later renamed New Castle and its still that way today.

Abbreviation: DE
Nickname: “First State,” “Diamond State”
Capital: Dover
Largest City: Wilmington
Entered Union: December 7, 1787
Bird: Blue Hen Chicken
Flower: Peach Blossom
Tree: American Holly

Celebrities: Joe Biden, Victor Marie DuPont, Thomas McKean, Dr. Oz, Ryan Philippe, Caesar Rodney, Aubrey Plaza, George Thorogood, Johnny Weir, John Dickinson, Anne Rogers Clark, Teri Polo, Judge Reinhold

Sports Teams: Delaware Fightn’ Blue Hens and Delaware State Hornets (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: The Lenni Lenape or the Delaware and the Nanticoke. Probably wiped out by war and smallpox

Best Known Moments: Henry Hudson expedition of 1609, one of the original 13 Colonies, the American Revolution, and once part of Pennsylvania as well as was the first state to ratify the constitution.

Often Associated With: rich people, pro-business environment, corporation haven, rail and bus transportation for senators, ferry boats, lighthouses, DuPont, Wilmington, Dover, Old Swedes Holy Trinity Church, New Castle, beaches, Delaware River, NASCAR racing, Combat Zone Wrestling, not much else

9. Florida

Florida's Everglades are tropical wetlands and the largest tropical wilderness of the US and largest wilderness of any kind east of the Mississippi. It was made a National Park to support a fragile ecosystem that's home to 36 threatened species, 350 kinds of birds, 300 species of fish, 40 species of mammals, and 50 species of reptiles. Yet, even its natural park status doesn't prevent this swamp of beauty from suffering environmental duress.

Florida’s Everglades are tropical wetlands and the largest tropical wilderness of the US and largest wilderness of any kind east of the Mississippi. It was made a National Park to support a fragile ecosystem that’s home to 36 threatened species, 350 kinds of birds, 300 species of fish, 40 species of mammals, and 50 species of reptiles. Yet, even its natural park status doesn’t prevent this swamp of beauty from suffering environmental duress.

Abbreviation: FL
Nickname: “Sunshine State”
Capital: Tallahassee
Largest City: Jacksonville
Entered Union: March 3, 1845
Bird: Northern Mockingbird
Flower: Orange Blossom
Tree: Sabal Palmetto

Celebrities: Jeb Bush, Osceola, Janet Reno, Tom Petty, Perez Hilton, Wayne Brady, Johnny Depp, Faye Dunaway, Ray Charles, Sidney Poitier, Bob Ross, Mickey Rourke, Rick Sanchez, Wesley Snipes, Bob Vila, Zora Neale Hurston, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Lil’ Wayne, Debbie Harry, Jim Morrison, Vanilla Ice, Enrique Inglesias, Dante Culpepper, Chris Evert, Hulk Hogan, Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Ray Lewis, Chad Ochocinco, Alex Rodriguez, Deion Sanders, Maria Sharapova, Emmit Smith, Tim Tebow, Charles E. Merrill, A. Philip Randolph, William H. Macy, Daniel Tosh, Charles E. Merrill, Pat Boone, The Allman Brothers Band, Andy Garcia, Julio Inglesias, Dave Barry, Jeff Lindsay, Jimmy Wales

Sports Teams: Jacksonville Jaguars, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, and Miami Dolphins (NFL), Miami Heat and Orlando Magic (NBA), Tampa Bay Rays and Miami Marlins (MLB), Florida Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning (NHL), Florida State Seminoles, Florida Gators, and Miami Hurricanes (NCAA Div. I, particularly football)

Indian Tribes: Apalachee, Timucua, Ais, Tocobaga, Callusa, and Tequesta at least by the time Juan Ponce de Leon was there. Seminoles actually came there in the 19th century when driven off their ancestral lands.

Best Known Moments: First contact with Europeans through Juan Ponce de Leon, US clash with the Seminoles, Bush v. Gore, a series of hurricanes and a lot of crime stories including the Casey Anthony trial and the Trayvon Martin killing.

Often Associated With: swamp, Disney World, senior citizens, rednecks, weirdos, the Everglades, Miami, Dexter, psycho killers, beaches, alligators, unbearable heat, hurricanes, weirdos, old retired Jews, Cubans, mosquitoes, strip clubs, NASA, Cape Canaveral, racist “Stand Your Ground” laws, Orlando, Key West, sunshine, SeaWorld, Busch Gardens, colorful houses, suburbs, Jimmy Buffet fans, NASCAR racing, swing state politics, Bush v. Gore, hippies, pro-wrestling, trailer parks, tornadoes, oranges, palm trees, marlins, manatees, motorboats, water skis, tourism, Daytona Beach, Miami Beach, Florida panther, multiculturalism, Hawaiian shirts, golfing, exotic birds, herons, tabloid magazines, Sarasota, Pensacola, St. Augustine,  Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, Miami Herald, Fort Lauderdale, Boca Raton, Panama City, Tebowing, annoying Christian football players, Daytona Beach, Daytona 500, Southern Rock, St. Petersburg, Black Seminoles, subtropical to tropical settings, crocodiles, cypress trees

10. Georgia

Callaway Gardens is a family resort area in Georgia as well as a National Historic Landmark. Founded by a couple who wanted to save a rare species of Azaela as well as play host to other native plants, the gardens include a number of lakes, golf courses, scenic drive, an enclosed butterfly habitat, hiking trails, a horticultural center, a butterfly center and so much more. Pictured here is the Ida Cason Callaway Memorial Chapel which must play host to a lot of weddings.

Callaway Gardens is a family resort area in Georgia as well as a National Historic Landmark. Founded by a couple who wanted to save a rare species of Azaela as well as play host to other native plants, the gardens include a number of lakes, golf courses, scenic drive, an enclosed butterfly habitat, hiking trails, a horticultural center, a butterfly center and so much more. Pictured here is the Ida Cason Callaway Memorial Chapel which must play host to a lot of weddings.

Abbreviation: GA
Nickname: “Empire State of the South,” “Peach State”
Capital: Atlanta
Largest City: Same
Entered Union: January 2, 1788
Bird: Brown Thrasher
Flower: Cherokee Rose
Tree: Live Oak

Celebrities: Jimmy Carter, Ty Cobb, Ray Charles, Margaret Mitchell, Juliette Gordon Low, “Doc” Holliday, Gladys Knight, Little Richard, John C. Fremont, Joel Chandler Harris, Larry Holmes, Holly Hunter, Flannery O’Connor, Otis Redding, Burt Reynolds, Julia Roberts, Jackie Robinson, Ryan Seacrest, Clarence Thomas, Alice Walker, Joanne Woodward, Martin Luther King Jr., the Allman Brothers, Atlanta Rhythm Section, Lee Atwater, Andre 3000, Mary J. Blige, Mel Blount, James Brown, Reggie Brown, Luke Bryan, Rosalynn Carter, Mark David Chapman, Ossie Davis, Paula Deen, Pretty Boy Floyd, Jeff Foxworthy, Newt Gingrich, Nancy Grace, Cee Lo Green, Nathaniel Greene, Button Gwinnett, Todd Haley, Lyman Hall, Oliver Hardy, Hulk Hogan, Ed Helms, Bill Hicks, Sterling Holloway, Bobby Jones, Stacy Keach, Deforest Kelley, Spike Lee, Lil’ Jon, James Longstreet, Ludacris, William H. Macy, Jack McBrayer, Blind Willie Mc Tell, Johnny Mercer, Elijah Muhammad, Deborah Norville, Terrell Owens, Antwan “Big Boi” Patton, Kanye West, George Foster Peabody, Tyler Perry, Ma Rainey, Jeannette Rankin, Sugar Ray Robinson, Dean Rusk, Soulja Boy, Alexander Stephens, Chris Tucker, Hines Ward, Woodrow Wilson, Miriam Hopkins

Sports Teams: Atlanta Braves (MLB), Atlanta Hawks (NBA), Atlanta Falcons (NFL), Georgia Bulldogs and Georgia Yellow Jackets (NCAA Div. I)

Indian Tribes: Inhabited by Mississippian Mound Building culture. By European contact the Creek, Cherokee, and Yamasee prior to being kicked out with the Indian Removal Act in the 1830s.

Best Known Moments: Founding by James Ogelthorpe as debtor colony, one of the original 13 Colonies, American Revolution, Trail of Tears, aw Civil War battles of Chickamauga, Kenneshaw Mountain, and Atlanta as well as Sherman’s March to the Sea and Andersonville, and hosted the 1996 Olympics.

Often Associated With: slavery, cotton, Gone with the Wind, CNN, Ted Turner, “Georgia On My Mind,” rednecks, plantations, rich Southerners, Savannah, Atlanta, very loose gun laws, peaches, peanuts, Masters Tournament, The Weather Channel, TCM, TBS, TNT, Cartoon Network, Coca-Cola, racism, lynching, Southern accents, Michael Vick, Southern Rock, “Midnight Train to Georgia,” southern belles, Southern hospitality, Appalachian Mountains, R&B music, golfing, Stone Mountain, CDC, Delta Airlines, Chick-fil-A, Warm Springs, Pine Mountains, Andersonville, Southern Gothic Literature, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil,  golfing, Callaway Gardens

Bad Movie Teachers

Back to school season is upon us with parents and kids across the country scrambling for school supplies and clothes. I thought I would commemorate this occasion by doing a post on movie teachers since I can’t really find any pictures of tacky back to school stuff. Now we all are familiar with the inspirational movie teacher who makes a positive difference in his or her students’ lives as well as helps them rise up from humble circumstances. Unfortunately, these aren’t the kind of teachers I won’t be talking about. Still, a lot of us have had bad teachers at some point in our lives because even in the teaching profession, there always has to be someone who sucks at their job. And like in real life, movies have a lot of these from the downright abusive to the downright incompetent, sometimes both. So without further adieu, here is a list of movie teachers that you don’t want to have. Also, this includes principals and coaches.

1. Michel Delassalle

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From: Diabolique

The Problem: To make a long story short, he’s just an uncaring administrator who does a terrible job running his run-down, crumbling school. The grounds seem like they haven’t been tended in weeks while the teachers are incompetent time-servers while the kids smoke and harass the staff. Such terrible education environment may be excusable at a public school at an inner city neighborhood where all the kids come from families poorer than hen shit while the teachers are just too frustrated to care anymore. However, Delassalle runs a private European boarding school associated with the finest a continental education can offer whose students come from more affluent families. Not only that but Delassalle mistreats his wife and openly cheats on her with another faculty member. Yet, even this doesn’t stop the two women who are supposed to love him to get together in plotting his demise (well, seemingly at first). He’s such a terrible principal that everything at that school could only seemingly get better if he’d only disappeared, but it gets much worse.

2. Mr. Jonas

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From: How Green Was My Valley

The Problem: Let’s just say while there are the kind of inspirational teacher who’s guidance helps seemingly dead-end poor kids to achieve a better life outside the one they’re accustomed to. Unfortunately, Mr. Jonas isn’t that kind of teacher. Rather when Huw Morgan earns the right to attend his school since his scholastic abilities could be his ticket out of his dead-end Welsh mining town, he soon has the misfortune of being in Mr. Jonas’ class. Now like a lot of teachers in the Victorian Era, Mr. Jonas is a sadistic uncaring fop whose disciplinary methods basically consist of caning students to the bone. When he’s not employing corporal punishments to Huw, he’s berating him for being poor and Welsh. Sure he gets beat up by a couple of village miners but because of him, Huw has no interest to continue his education and opts for child labor in the village mine alongside his father and oldest brother who both end up dead by the film’s conclusion. Thanks to the sadistic Mr. Jonas sapping his interest to better himself, young Huw is destined for either an early death or a lifetime of respiratory disease.

3. Dolores Umbridge

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From: The Harry Potter films

The Problem: Sure she may appear as someone’s kindly aunt or grandmother who dresses in pink and decorates her office with adorable cats. Yet, be warned that she’s a vicious and ruthless woman who’s basically one of the more realistic and universally despised villains in the whole series. For one, Umbridge not only teaches a subject she’s undeniably unqualified for such as Defense Against the Dark Arts which leads to Harry and his friends teaching the subject themselves under cover of night. Second, she’s willing to punish students for simply talking out of turn and disagreeing with her. And she tends to employ rather sadistic torture methods she employes with glee such as making Harry write “I must not tell lies” with a blood quill that creates a permanent scar on his hand. Third, she uses her other job with the Ministry of Magic to turn Hogwarts into her personal totalitarian fiefdom and inflicting tyrannical laws to get her own way yet engages in activities that are considered illegal and unforgivable even by Ministry standards. Let’s just say the only way you can deal with is put her in a situation where her connections won’t help her like in a herd of centaurs.

4. Miss Jean Brodie

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From: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

The Problem: Though you’d more or less remember Dame Maggie Smith as the stern but ultimately competent and caring Professor Minerva McGonagall in the Harry Potter series, but don’t expect her to be anything like this in her Oscar-winning role as Miss Brodie. Now as teacher of the Marcia Blaine School, Miss Brodie has less interest in encouraging her students to think for themselves and challenge the status quo (despite what she says) or actual teaching than creating her own self-centered personality cult as well as acting out her delusions of grandeur by devoting her class time with talking way too much about her personal life and romanticizing fascist leaders like Benito Mussolini and Francisco Franco. She also tends to singles out a few of her pupils she calls “la creme de la creme” whose ambitions for them basically involve using them to vicariously fulfill her own psychological needs whether it’s pimping one of them for the art teacher or manipulating another into running away to fight for Franco (which gets her killed). Sure she may be a rebellious teacher at a conservative school but she has no moral compass whatsoever and shows absolutely no remorse for her irresponsible actions. Luckily thanks to Sandy betraying her to the Miss Mackay and the Board of Governors, she’s fired but her influence will have damaging effects to many of her girls in their adult lives such as disillusionment, especially since she never taught her students about pain and loss. To all principals everywhere, avoid hiring a teacher who says, “Little girls, I am in the business of putting old heads on young shoulders, and all my pupils are the crème de la crème. Give me a girl at an impressionable age, and she is mine for life.”

5. Dr. Henry Walton Jones Jr. Ph.D. (a.k.a. Indiana Jones)

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From: The Indiana Jones series

The Problem: Sure Indy is one heck of a badass who travels the globe collecting valuable treasures that belong in a museum and kicking Nazi butt. Yet, let’s face it, how Indy manages to hold on to his job as a professor of archaeology is beyond us even if he gets a good allowance for fieldwork but even teachers don’t get that much time off in real life. Even so, he always seems to bust out on an adventure before the semester is over without giving his students any notice. Still, while Indiana Jones has inspired many people into becoming archaeologists even though those in the field might question Marshall College’s prestige in its Archaeology Department since Indy basically sucks at his job. He not only neglects his students while hunting for artifacts, shows very disrespectful behavior toward other cultures, destroying ancient buildings for gold trinkets, using no documentation at his finds, as well as doing things that archaeologists are actually supposed to do. Sure he may say, “Archaeology is about facts. Not truth. If it’s truth you’re interested in, Dr. Tyree’s philosophy class is down the hall. …Forget any ideas you’ve got about lost cities, exotic travel and digging up the world. We do not follow maps to buried treasure, and X never, ever marks the spot.”  Yet, this is what he basically does as far as we know, which sort of hurts his credibility. A lot of the stuff Indy does in the movies would actually get a guy in his field fired as evidenced in this article where he’s denied tenure: <www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/back-from-yet-another-globetrotting-adventure-indiana-jones-checks-his-mail-and-discovers-that-his-bid-for-tenure-has-been-denied>

6. Professor Dave Jennings

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From: Animal House

The Problem: While a lot of bad movie teachers’ list have Dean Wormer for being one mean son of a bitch who undertakes extraordinary measures to shut down a notorious frat house, his actions at the Delta Tau Chi House are pretty justifiable. I mean if a bunch of frat boys killed a horse in your office, you’d probably try doing the same if you were in his place. Still, at least he’s trying to do his job and he’s also under pressure from the town’s mayor. Disenchanted English Professor Jennings, on the other hand, should be fired since his behavior is far more objectionable for a man in his profession. Not only does he lecture his kids on radical politics instead of what he’s supposed to teach, he hangs out at their frat parties smoking joints with them as well as seduces their girlfriends. Sure he may play up as a cool hippie teacher but he’s really nothing but a worthless piece of shit.

7. Gilderoy Lockhart

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From: The Harry Potter films

The Problem: I know Severus Snape gets on many lists for worst movie teacher yet at least he has some concern about his students as well as actually quite competent even if he’s rather unpleasant in the classroom and outright loathes one particular student just simply because he’s the offspring of a man he hates and a girl he had a crush on during his teenage years. Hey, he may have killed Dumbledore, but at least he’s not known for endangering students’ lives (though it’s kind of expected at Hogwarts), which says a lot. I know Sybil Trelawney may suck as a Divination teacher sometimes but at least she tries her best and has a legitimate reason to be there. On the other hand, Lockhart views his job as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher as a way to boost his enormous narcissistic ego as a wizarding celebrity famous for defeating various magical creatures like yetis, banshees, werewolves, and trolls which he chronicled in his books. Seems like a perfect person to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, right? Wrong, he’s an utter incompetent and untalented as shown by how he leaves his second year students deal with a release of a cage full of Cornish Pixies. Also, he actually claimed other people’s exploits as his own as well as erased their memories so they wouldn’t sue. And if you’re a certain celebrity second year student known for surviving a deadly curse from the Dark Lord, then expect to have to spend your detentions having to answer his fan mail, having your bones removed after a Quidditch match, and almost having him wipe out you and your best friend’s memories when you go to the Chamber of Secrets to save the aforementioned friend’s sister. Luckily Ron’s broken wand puts Lockhart into Saint Mungo’s as a permanent resident and is replaced by a more competent Defense Against the Dark Arts professor who actually has some experience with werewolves.

8. Miss Agatha Trunchbull

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From: Matilda

The Problem: Only in the Roald Dahl universe could we have a principal like Miss Trunchbull whose sadistic antics could turn her domain into an elementary school and G-Rated version of The Shawshank Redemption. She openly dislikes and disciplines her students over relatively minor offenses (if they’re offenses at all) so she could terrorize them with her assortment of creative torture methods. Come to school in pigtails? Get thrown over a the fence. Get caught for stealing food from the kitchen? Be forced to eat a giant chocolate cake by yourself in front of the whole student body and have those peers stay 5 hours after school for cheering you on. And for offenses that would give you a verbal reprimand or a half hour of detention at recess, she has kids stand in for “the chokey” which is an improvised iron maiden bound to send any grade school child into a lifetime of therapy. Other crimes include killing her own brother-in-law, stealing all his assets from her 5-year old niece, and abusing her well into adulthood. Why no parents complain about their child’s grades suffering over the fact that they go to a school headed by someone who belongs in a maximum security prison, we’ll never know.

9. Mr. Jasper Woodcock

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From: Mr. Woodcock

The Problem: Gym teachers in movies are usually not portrayed in a good light and Mr. Woodcock is no exception. Yet, this guy is a sadistic, humorless, and militaristic middle school gym teacher who takes the cake in making boys’ gym shorts brown as well as forever diminished self-confidence that leads to a career writing touchy-feely self-help books. In his class, you will run laps as well as suffer vicious humiliation leading to a lifetime of therapy and medication. Woodcock would bully the weakest, plumpest, and least coordinated boys in the class as well as subject them to all sorts of antics like making an asthmatic kid run laps and whacking kids in the groin with a whiffleball bat. Let’s just say, seeing him dating your mom would be one of your worst nightmares. At least if you like her. Out of all the sadistic and abusive gym teachers in movies, Mr. Woodcock just tops them all.

10. Mr. Kitano

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From: Battle Royale

The Problem: We all know that teaching can sometimes be a frustrating and thankless job. Kids will not always be eager to learn and there will be some who misbehave. Yet, teaming up with your dystopian government to send his entire class on a field trip on an island to reenact The Hunger Games is not at all a good idea. In fact, it will give you a life sentence at a maximum security prison or looney bin if you’re lucky to live in a place that doesn’t have the death penalty. Yet, this is exactly what Kitano does as well as throw a knife straight at a girl in the chest for whispering during his lecture, outfitting all his former students with exploding dog collars, and others. There are safer ways to express your teaching frustrations like therapy.

11. Dean Ed Rooney

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From: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

The Problem: Look, I know that truancy isn’t a good thing for a student to do and makes the school look bad. Yet, Rooney’s single minded-pursuit of a notorious truant is certainly inexcusable for any school administrator. Rooney’s hunting down Ferris has more to do with personal vendetta than actually about giving him an education. Rooney is basically Captain Ahab as a school administrator willing to let his obsession of giving a truant what he deserves that he’s willing to break into a Ferris’ house, attacks the Buellers’ dog, and completely neglects his duties as a school administrator. Sure Rooney does have every right to be concerned about Ferris skipping school nine times as well as that nobody else seems to hold him accountable. And yes, it’s Rooney’s job to enforce school regulations, especially when it comes to a student skipping school nine times as well as hacking into a computer to erase his records. But trying to enforce school regulations while being completely absent from school property and neglecting other responsibilities is taking things way too far. Ferris is only one of the hundreds of students under Rooney’s charge and devoting all his time and energy on punishing is not how a principal is supposed to act. Rooney should’ve either just hired a truant officer or at least notify Mr. and Mrs. Bueller about their son’s skipping behavior.

12. Mr. Michael “Tiger” Magrew

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From: Pretty Maids All in a Row

The Problem: Sure he may seem like the greatest teacher in the world at his Venice, CA high school. As a faculty adviser and head of coach of its football team, he’s a warm and charming man who always has an open door policy at his office and will give you private lessons on the side just because he cares. Seems like a perfect teacher, right? Wrong, despite his Rock Hudson portrayal, he’s creep who abuses his power by cheating on his wife with a long line of female students. And he sees absolutely nothing wrong with teacher/student relationships and even helps a male student put the moves on a hot young substitute teacher. Just when you think he can’t get any worse, he has taken to killing many of his underage bedmates to keep his affairs secrets and quietly dumps their bodies around campus. A true serial killer in the education system, Mr. Magrew is a teacher from hell you’d want to avoid.

13. Erika Kohut

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From: The Piano Teacher

The Problem: She’s practically a package of everything you wouldn’t want for a teacher. A passionless and frigid monster at Vienna music conservatory, Erika openly berates her students for not playing with enough emotion even though she has the emotional range of a vacuum cleaner. Yet, she’s also prone to insulting them with no helpful input at times as well as occasionally puts broken glass in their coat pockets when they’re not looking. In her private life, she’s basically a female version of Christian Grey, but not in a good way such as a controlling and psychologically messed up human being who gives S&M a bad name. Not only that, but she has an unhealthy relationship with her mother, engages in voyeurism and public urination, and has a romantic attachment to a seventeen-year-old boy. Let’s just say, you don’t want this messed up lady in a classroom or in your life for that matter.

14. Richard “Dick” Vernon

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From: The Breakfast Club

The Problem: Sure I know that being a principal is a stressful job but Vernon really takes it overboard. For one, he has five teenagers serve detention in the school library on a Saturday, orders them not to speak or move in their seats, and makes them write an essay. Second, he treats his students like garbage, verbally haranguing them every chance he gets. If it’s a student he particularly despises named Bender, then expect Vernon to assign him two months detention for talking back as well as locking him in a closet and physically threatening him. Of course, he did want an easy job where children respected him but perhaps he should seek another kind of work because school principal is anything but an easy job and lashing your frustrations against a few teenagers isn’t going to earn you any respect.

15. Mr. Jim McAllister

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From: Election

The Problem: Now I know it’s okay to be upset that his best friend got fired for having affair with a student. And it’s perfectly fine for him to dislike the girl who wrecked his friend’s life apart. Yet, even if Tracy Flick is an unbearable overachiever with a taste for older men, none of that gives Mr. McAllister any acceptable reason to rig a student election that would deny her a rightful place on student government. Sure she may be a lascivious teenage monster in her youth but what Mr. McAllister has to understand is that Dave could’ve chosen not to commit statutory rape and has pretty much nobody to blame for wrecking his life but himself. Nevertheless, rigging a student government election out of pure spite is outright deception unbecoming of any educator. Still, as an adult he should know better and his conduct won’t make the kids respect him anymore, especially if he catches them doing something out of spite. Also, he apparently sees no problem with ditching his class midday to hook up with Dave’s ex-wife while he’s still married.

16. Mr. Trevor Garfield

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From 187

The Problem: Samuel L. Jackson is known for playing a badass but unfortunately what works in Pulp Fiction doesn’t necessarily translate well in the classroom. Sure he may have a thing for “an eye for an eye” tactics after being violently attacked by a rebellious student but that doesn’t mean he should practice them on his students even if they are a bunch of little shits. I mean tranquilizing a teen with a bow and arrow and cutting off his finger is a serious breach of ethics in the classroom as well as playing the all too real game of Russian roulette. Seriously, he may say these activities are in the best interests of the “good” students at his school though any teenager with half a brain would be wise to skip his class. Even worse is that he’s depicted as a good guy in this movie despite bringing a gun into the classroom.

17. Kitty Farmer

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From: Donnie Darko

The Problem: You think an educator who actually has kids would be someone you’d want around your children right?  For someone who says to her students, “OK. Now, girls. I want you to concentrate. Failure is not an option. And Bethany? If you feel the need to vomit up there, just swallow it,” you might want to reconsider. Kitty Farmer’s students think she’s a clueless nuisance. Yet, in reality she’s basically the closest thing you can get to having Sarah Palin in the classroom, an ignorant and judgmental woman who lets her cheerily ultra right wing rhetoric rule her world. She’s prone to merrily denouncing what’s right and wrong with no gray area in between, lobbying to ban books she can’t fully understand, and fully supporting a guy who later turns out to be a pedophile to fill in as a counselor to her classes. Now this is the movie famous for having a pedophile played by Patrick Swayze and a skeleton masked doomsday rabbit who seem pretty tame by comparison alongside her.

18. Dan Dunne

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From: Half-Nelson

The Problem: You’d think someone played by Ryan Gosling would make a great teacher  since he’s quite easy on the eyes. Well, at an inner city middle school in Brooklyn it certainly appears to the be case for the 20 something teacher at first. On the surface, he’s an idealistic and smart teacher known to give inspiring lectures as well as eschewing the school curriculum in favor of dialectics. Oh, and he does a great job reaching out to his students by teaching them on how to interpret historicity as well as helping to give each of his kids a powerful analytical voice. So Dunne’s pretty awesome right? Well, unfortunately he’s a addicted to crack who gets caught getting high in a bathroom stall by one of his players from the girls basketball team. Sure they strike a friendship but he only heads deeper into addiction that he shows up to class hung over in front of his students as well as grows more cynical about his ability to shape his students’ minds. Oh, and he orders the aforementioned girl to deliver crack to him at a seedy motel, basically setting her up for expulsion and poverty-filled future. Yeah, maybe a 20 something crack addict doesn’t belong in the classroom, especially at an inner city middle school. Perhaps Dan Dunne should’ve worked for Wall Street, since he’s probably the biggest hypocrite on Red Ribbon Week.

19. Mrs. Sheba Hart

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From: Notes on a Scandal

The Problem: Well, despite being played by Cate Blanchett, she’s not the brightest bulb in the patch. For one, she’s having an affair with one of her 15 year old students. Second, she’s being emotionally manipulated by co-teacher Barbara Covett who’s blackmailing her into sharing intimate details of that said affair. Third, Covett is a lesbian who has a habit of seducing young female teachers and thinks that being Hart’s friend would make her fall in love with her. Of course, Covett is destined for the friend zone since Hart is straight, married with kids, and doesn’t seem to go for anyone over 50. Oh, and she chronicles her whole affair with student in an obsessively detailed journal. Sure Covett may be a manipulative bitch but being a 50+ lesbian who seduces young teachers is much safer around the kiddos than one who commits statutory rape with a 15 year old boy, sees nothing wrong with it, and has no common sense. I mean having sex with a minor is one thing, but discussing the matter with a colleague who wants to get in your pants is just plain dumb. I mean this is how teachers like her get fired and sent to jail dumb.

20. Reverend Henry Brocklehurst

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From: Jane Eyre

The Problem: Let’s just say he’s one of the worst principals in all of 19th century literature as well as in film. If you think Jane had it rough with her awful relatives, then it gets much worse during her days at Lowood which is pretty much a charity boarding school for poor and orphaned children. Yet, it’s also one of horrors mostly because it’s run by this man. While Delassale keeps his boarding school accommodations in terrible shape due to neglect, Mr. Brocklehurst runs his charity almost to human rights disaster area mostly because he views these girls as outright garbage. Cold rooms, thin clothing, and terrible food lead to a typhus epidemic that kills a lot of girls at Lowood. Meanwhile, he and his family live comfortably well off which makes you wonder if he’s squandering money from his donors. His punishments also border around child abuse as well. Accidentally break a slate? Well, he’ll have you stand on a stool, call you a liar, and shame you before the whole student body. Can’t straighten your naturally curly hair? Well, he order you to get a haircut since he thinks it’s such a horrific sin. Oh, and he’s a minister to boot which makes him even more of a hypocrite. Brocklehurst’s fate varies by the adaptation but in the book, he actually gets fired. Apparently the Brocklehurst was too cruel of a principal for the 19th century, even in a school for poor orphaned girls! And remember from your Dickens novels that this is a time when adults could treat any poor kid like shit and not face any legal consequences whatsoever. You can understand why Jane wanted to leave Lowood as soon as she could.