While Halloween cards are available at any store, they aren’t usually considered a Halloween tradition by most people. I mean it’s not a big card holiday by any stretch of the imagination today. After all, Halloween may be a big holiday, but it’s nowhere near as important as holidays like Christmas or Easter. However, back when everyone basically wrote letters to their loved ones, it wasn’t unusual for people to send greeting cards to their friends and family on almost every major holiday. Halloween being among them. Now some of these might be quite cutesy and delightful like you’d expect from any vintage greeting card. However, this post isn’t about them because I know showing cutesy vintage Halloween cards would make me lose disenchanted viewers. Instead, I’ll show vintage Halloween cards that might make you wonder what kind of recreational drugs greeting card designers were on during the 19th century. Some of them are quite creepy like you’d expect. Others are downright weird and possibly inappropriate. So for your reading pleasure, here are some old timey Halloween greeting cards, guaranteed to freak you out.
- Nothing brings out the Halloween spirit more than pranking a cop.
Now that boy may be laughing tonight. But I’m sure that won’t be the case tomorrow. You know when the cop gives him a brutally violent beatdown for knocking off his hat. Don’t prank cops. That’s just asking for trouble, especially if you’re black.
2. Back in the day people played Halloween games a little differently.
Apparently fishing for apples and bondage were a big part of Halloween festivities back in the day. At least among the adults of course.
3. On Halloween night, your fate is in your hands.
So on Halloween night, don’t dress up like a sailor. Or else the angry pumpkin god will murder you. Then again, he might murder if you don’t either.
4. “On Halloween by pumpkin light, this witch will help you choose right.”
From I-Mockery: “I’m not sure what the witch is helping her choose… what shade of blush to wear perhaps? Should a person really be accepting blindfolded beauty tips from a witch?”
5. On Halloween, let the burning walnuts decide who’s right for you.
From I-Mockery: “That’s right folks, allow life’s truly important decisions to be settled by walnuts on fire. It’s a great way to decide on whom to marry, what stocks to invest in, whether or not to commit suicide, etc.”
6. Have a jolly Halloween and write back. Or else.
Something tells me that this girl might grow up to be the crazy homicidal girlfriend of her time. Really don’t have a great feeling of seeing her with that knife. Yeah, I think you might want to write that letter.
7. Halloween greetings, courtesy of the ghost pumpkin.
From I-Mockery: “It looked festive enough at first, but then it was set ablaze and took on a whole new meaning.” Guess the kids would be turned to ash by morning. Poor kids.
8. On Halloween, be aware of things that might not be what they seem.
While she didn’t know it at the time, Susie unwittingly staged the first bra burning in history. Of course, this was because she mistook a bra on the coat rack for a ghost.
9. Happy Halloween from the naked pumpkin man and his black cat.
“I’ll love ’em and squeeze ’em and keep ’em forever and ever.” Yeah, I’m sure the cat’s not liking that. Who would anyway.
10. Of course, nothing says Halloween like a romantic serenade with pumpkin heads.
Man, this seems to take out all the romance out of serenading someone. Yeah, if Romeo and Juliet were done with pumpkin heads, it would look as stupid as this.
11. There’s nothing on Halloween like spending a night stealing front gates from other people’s homes.
Better hope that the owner can afford a new gate and doesn’t call the cops. Because Halloween or not, theft and vandalism are crimes.
12. Nothing says Halloween like having pumpkin children put jack o’lanterns on their black cats.
Man, black cats really get a raw deal. If everyone doesn’t think they’re bad luck, they’re being subjected to other types of animal cruelty. Seriously, it seems like black cats bring more bad luck to themselves. Also, those pumpkin heads are freaky.
13. Scared of ghosts? Your pig will take care of it.
“Oh, shit, Howard, that pumpkin was supposed to be part of my Halloween costume this year. Now I have to go as a ghost for the 3rd year in a row.”
14. “If we were here, I’d bet I’d find a red ear.”
Hey, I didn’t know they had Oompa Loompas on Halloween greeting cards. Then again, they are quite terrifying in their own right.
15. Remember, on Halloween, the more puffs it takes to blow out a candle, the less likely you’ll be married within a year.
From I-Mockery: “And if it’s one of those trick self-relighting candles, you can sleep with the girlfriend/boyfriend of
whoever left it in front of you because that jerk just ruined your chances of ever getting married.”
16. Nothing makes great Halloween fun than shoving a wooden stake up somebody’s ass.
Oooh, sure hate to be that guy. Yeah, that’s sure going to be a real pain in the ass, literally. Good luck, sitting comfortably after that.
17. Happy Halloween greetings and don’t mind the black cats crossing your path.
From I-Mockery: “When one black cat crosses your path, it’s bad luck. When many cross your path? It’s a conga line and you had damn well better join in the fun.” Or else, you’ll probably have bad luck for the rest of your life.
18. You can’t celebrate Halloween without enjoying a piece of pumpkin pie.
Now it seems that old Jack is faced with an ethical dilemma. Though he didn’t want to offend his host, he wasn’t too keen on engaging in cannibalism either.
19. Uh-oh, seems like the witch should really check how fast she’s driving.
Because I don’t think the cucumber had long to live after this. In fact, it’s most likely he was turned into cucumber mush.
20. Surprisingly, it seems that jack o’lanterns are interested in the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Of course, since they didn’t understand much of what they read in the Bible, they decided to get a book that would clear things up. Or they were just bored. I don’t know.
21. Remember that traveling with a candle at night keeps the goblins away.
However, this is only as long as the candle is unscented. Because goblins just love scented candles.
22. Just so you know, pumpkin monsters always enjoy sweets.
I’ve seen quite a lot of these in vintage Halloween cards. And I think they’re just utterly freaky as hell and designed by someone on some absinthe addiction.
23. On Halloween, you’ll see all kinds of strange things out there.
Like a pumpkin headed woman in a kimono with her eyes strung up by nailed ropes. Yeah, very strange and freaky indeed.
24. If you laugh at a witch on Halloween, you’ll be turned into a pumpkin person.
I don’t get what was so funny about the witch here. But still, a pumpkin guy like that smoking a pipe? Well, that’s just goddamn ridiculous, it’s hilarious.
25. Happy Halloween, now let’s watch these two split a guy’s acorn squash head open.
Okay, that is just plain wrong. I mean the squash obviously has a face. Makes me wonder what they did with the rest of him.
26. For a wild pig, there’s nothing on Halloween like tripping a Scotsman.
Hope the guy didn’t land on his head or he might’ve found himself in an embarrassing situation. This assuming that there’s truth in the notion that Scots wear nothing under their kilts.
27. Happy Halloween and watch out for the cops or that black cat.
Looks like that one mouse is being chased by some cop over some Halloween vandalism. Meanwhile, I’m sure the cheese holding mouse’s time with his girlfriend will be his last.
28. You “auto” have a happy Halloween.
And you “auto” not drive while on acid. I think this guy had a bit too many. Oh my God, those eyes!
29. Hope your candle stays lit at both ends this Halloween.
From I-Mockery: “Actually, if both candles stay lit, a vampire bat will come drop a load of guano in your jack-o-lantern’s nasal cavity.” Yeah, sounds about right.
30. May you have a thrilling Halloween but beware of the pumpkin ghosts.
I-Mockery: “Nothing makes for a thrilling Halloween quite like a trio of pumpkin ghosts having just raped flying black cats in the sky.” Yeah, the cats look really traumatized up there.
31. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and with my goblin army, no one will stop me.”
From I-Mockery: “I’m all for trying to scare people, but was it really necessary for that one goblin to moon this couple?Also, the actual moon is really enjoying sniffing that poor woman’s ass. Creepy.” I’ll say. Yeah, don’t want the moon sniffing up my ass either.
32. May the light keep the Devil away from you this Halloween night.
From I-Mockery: “The Devil will gladly drop his pitchfork to seize the opportunity to have a pumpkin man help shove an archaic fleshlight onto his crotch.” So that’s what the fringed bon-bon looking thing is. Don’t really see that with the devil.
33. Halloween is always known as a night for mischief.
“Oh, shit, must’ve slept over Halloween and missed the witches’ meeting. And they’re putting their Christmas decorations out now.” What an idiot.
34. Remember that on Halloween, your pumpkin could become a portal releasing a mist of evils into this world if you leave it on top of a dessert.
Now that’s guaranteed to traumatize children. This is especially true with the creepy jack o’lantern clown face.
35. Of course, witches’ meetings always have to have musical accompaniment.
Yeah, I bet you’d freak out if you saw what was under that pumpkin man’s kilt. Really don’t want to know about that.
36. Happy Halloween, and don’t let Mr. McGregor chase you out of the pumpkin patch.
“Goddamn, kids, how dare you steal my pumpkins! I’ll make you pay for this! You haven’t heard the last of it!”
37. Remember to protect yourself against rouge jack o’lanterns.
Not sure who I’m more scared of in this: the fearful jack o’lantern or the creepy boy with the knife. Decisions, decisions.
38. Nothing beats the festivities on Halloween night than seeing a bunch of jack o’lanterns playing poker.
“Charlie, you might want to bow out of the game if you lose this round. I know you don’t have a lot of money and you’ll have to run out somehow. Besides, the rest of us have enough to play all night.”
39. “Don’t be scared. The goblins are just having fun. They’re not trying to hurt you.”
Yeah, those goblins are only out to have a good time, evil witch lady in red. Of course, she’s the one letting them out of the pumpkin. Not sure if I trust her.
40. Of course, Halloween is a time for lovers to make up in the pumpkin patch.
Okay, let me get this straight. These two pumpkins are making out inside another pumpkin which is watching in anticipation. Does anyone see anything wrong with that?
41. Have a safe and happy Halloween, and don’t worry about spending the night in the pumpkin patch.
If these spirits were lurking around in the pumpkin patch every night, I suppose Linus would have second thoughts about waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Yeah, he might think spending all night in the pumpkin patch just isn’t worth it.
42. Remember step away from the light!
I’m sure that kid in red is a racist caricature from the facial expression. But yeah, I’d be shitting my pants if I saw a big, moving jack o’lantern head with feathers on top.
43. Of course, human and pumpkin head pairings weren’t always frowned upon.
I see the pumpkin guy is really impressed by the night lady’s ta-tas (as you can guess how creepily he stares at them). You can guess where this is headed.
44. Remember that ghosts could be lurking around these parts on All Hallows Eve.
While Pumpkin headed men in white sheets could be leading children to their untimely deaths. Yeah, stay way from pumpkin headed ghosts, please.
45. Remember, children, that if a pumpkin headed ghost doesn’t lead you to your death, he’ll force you to row his boat for free.
“C’mon, kid’s the night’s not going to last for ever. Row faster. Row faster.” Man, that pumpkin head is terrifying.
46. Sleep tight this Halloween night because you run the risk of being kidnapped by bat flying goblins.
I would be screaming like hell if I were that girl. But she seems more curious and calm about being abducted for some reason.
47. Of course, beware of the witches peering in windows looking for delicious children to eat.
“Let’s see. The younger girl is too skinny. The older girl is chunky enough but that doesn’t mean anything. But the little boy is muscular which is just right. Perhaps I can cook him medium rare.”
48. Apparently, demons like to torture pumpkin people in their spare time.
Like I said before, those pumpkin people are creepy as hell. I mean they look like they’re from another planet. The demons aren’t much better.
49. Don’t forget to put on a show with your costume this Halloween night.
And it seems this woman is performing a strip show with all the perverted pumpkin heads watching. And she’s about to disrobe her skull and crossbones cape.
50. “May the Halloween nutshell, unto you a good fortune tell.”
Of course, I can guess this is a vision a card designer got after drinking too much absinthe. Yeah, kind of freaky if you agree with me, especially with the jack o’lanterns on her wings.