May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor Dressed in These Wonderful Hunger Games Costumes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 1, 2015

Now that Halloween is over, I can go back to business as usual. So until Christmas comes around, no more posts about costumes, treats, crafts, or other stuff associated with special occasions. Okay, I’m wrong. Because during the next two months, two major science fiction franchises will dominate the big screen once again. One is an epic ground breaking franchise that changed the reputation of visual effects and science fiction movies in general as well as entertained generations for nearly 40 years. The other is based on a trilogy of young adult novels that were released less than 10 years ago. One is said to be a ripoff from a Japanese movie while the other actually is that even the creator admits it. One franchise will have its next installment after years of mediocre prequels and will unite 3 members of the original cast. The other will release its final installment based on the second part of the last novel. One takes place a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The other takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic society in North America. One franchise involves a rebellion fighting against an evil empire in the midst of outer space and involves droids, jedi, aliens, and intergalactic battles. The other revolves around a rich capital exploiting its districts of resources and retaining control of them by forcing 24 teenagers from these districts in an annual fight to the death on live television. Still, they both involve headstrong heroines in mortal peril having to choose between a scruffy looking, dark, and handsome nerfherder who gets tortured/frozen and a sweet but seemingly wimpy light haired guy who’s not as lame or defenseless as he looks. But only one of these franchises involves a moment of incest. So to celebrate both movie franchise premieres, I have decided to attract both fan bases with my posts for Nerdvember.

Since Mockingjay Part 2 will be released in theaters on November 20th while Star Wars: The Force Awakens won’t come out until December 18th, I might as well start with The Hunger Games first. Now for those who are unfamiliar with the books or the movies, let me explain. It’s based on a trilogy of young adult novels by Suzanne Collins. The story takes place on a dystopian post-apocalyptic society in North America called Panem with a rich and technologically advanced Capitol exploiting resources from 12 districts to varying levels of poverty that it controls with iron rule. And in order to show who’s in charge, the Capitol punishes these 12 districts for a past rebellion by selecting 2 kids in each district between the ages of 12-18 to battle in a fight to the death on live television everyone’s forced to watch. Our protagonist 16-year-old Katniss Everdeen is from District 12, the poorest of these districts and and has lived in dire poverty since her father died in a mining explosion when she was 11. But unlike most Hunger Games tributes in her district, she volunteers so her 12 year old sister, Prim won’t have to go (her name was picked on the Reaping Day lottery for the girls). However, at the same time, her fellow District 12 tribute, Peeta Mellark has been in love with her since they were kids, though Katniss didn’t take notice until he admitted it on national television (though I have to admit, Peeta’s actions aren’t as dumb as they seem). Themes consist of socio-economic inequality, media manipulation, government corruption and incompetence, lack of agency, violence as entertainment, war, exploitation, imperialism, and bread and circus style politics. And despite the books being catered to kids as young as 11-13, they contain elements like public nudity, decapitation, suicide, torture, mutilation, child prostitution, being buried alive, and other psychologically and emotionally disturbing content. I am not kidding about this. Seriously, read the books and/or watch the movies to see for yourselves. So let’s just say this isn’t a family friendly franchise we’re talking about here. So if you have children under 11 or children under 13 who haven’t read the books, you might want to have them watch Star Wars instead.

Now as you might see from this glorious picture of Jennifer Lawrence from Catching Fire or almost anything Effie Trinket wears, a significant chunk of the series revolves around fashion. Of course, the poorer districts don’t get a lot of elaborate outfits. But once you get to the Capitol, yeah, you see all kinds of wild and crazy outfits that you’d think you were in the middle of a Lady Gaga music video. Katniss and her fellow tributes themselves even have their own fashion designer and stylists once in the Capitol so they can look pretty on the cameras for interviews. This comes especially for Katniss and tributes from the poorer districts since they basically don’t have the time to worry about their looks or basic hygiene in that matter. Yeah, they have much bigger things to worry about like eating and other basic needs. And yes, tributes do get put in a lot of ridiculous outfits as you might see. Still, the Hunger Games does have its share of fans dressing up as various characters for nerd conventions, Halloween, or their movie premieres. For girls Katniss Everdeen and Effie Trinket are usually popular choices while Ceasar Flickerman and Seneca Crane are the ones I most often see for guys. So for this post I decided to feature costumes from the movies but worn by the fans. Many of these will be DIY just because it more or less shows the creative spirit. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Hunger Games fans in their costumes. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

In Panem, you always need Peacekeepers to tame the masses, especially at Comic Con.

Now Peacekeepers are the Hunger Games equivalent to Imperial Stormtroopers. Yet, their main function is maintaining order and suppress dissidence through coercion and brutality.

2. Now you can dress up like Katniss Everdeen as the Mockingjay.

Of course, this might mean being a figurehead for the Rebellion headed by someone who doesn’t really like you. But still, the outfit is badass.

3. If you have two daughters, remember that it doesn’t cost a lot of money to dress them as the Everdeen sisters.

I’m sure Katniss’s parents didn’t buy most of her costume, especially the bow and ripped up pants. Still, that’s an adorable picture.

4. Remember, it’s never too early to give your daughter archery lessons.

Now this is an adorable Katniss costume, which seems like an easy costume to make. Still, while Katniss Everdeen is a great role model for girls, I’m not sure if she makes a great toddler costume.

5. Now Effie Trinket just has to look her best on Reaping Day.

Now you’ll see a lot of Effie Trinket in this post for obvious reasons. And yes, it’s probably just as fun of a costume to make.

6. Hey, I didn’t know that Effie and Haymitch were a couple.

I’m sure Haymitch didn’t spend much time or money on his costume, save maybe for the wig. Still, the glass is appropriate since the guy is an alcoholic. But you can’t blame him.

7. Be the “Girl on Fire” with this Katniss Everdeen costume.

Now this costume is from the first movie. But for safety’s sake she had to use a cape of orange cloth and Christmas lights.

8. Of course, if you’re a guy who likes the Hunger Games but don’t want to dress in drag, you can always go as Caesar Flickerman.

Now Caesar Flickerman is a talk show host for the Hunger Game who’s played by Stanley Tucci. Of course, he’s best known for his blue wig and dazzling smile.

9. Of course, you can make an Effie Trinket costume from just about anything, even newspapers.

Let’s just say this would be Effie Trinket if she were promoting an environmental message. Well, if she wasn’t too busy selecting tributes for Reaping Day and prepping them for a televised teenage death match.

10. Of course, a shiny blue dress and green wig will make the perfect Effie Trinket costume.

Of course, you might notice that Effie Trinket is a popular costume. Yeah, as long as you have a puffy silk dress and a funky wig, then you can have your own Effie Trinket costume.

11. If you survive the Hunger Games, you’re bound to end up with some scrapes and bruises.

However, all this isn’t nearly as bad as the lifetime of PTSD that you’d be dealing with. By the way, this is supposed to be Katniss.

12. Who knew that Effie Trinket could look so good in pink?

Guess Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games has given a new life to 1980s prom dresses everywhere. Let’s just say if you want to dress up as her, it’s best to go DIY.

13. Who says that Hunger Games cosplay should just be reserved for humans?

Of course, I’m positive that this canine Katniss doesn’t need arrows to kill squirrels. It’s has stuff to do so like teeth.

14. Effie Trinket or Jean Harlow?

Now this is another incarnation of Effie Trinket. But your grandparents might think it’s the 1930s platinum blond bombshell who died at 26 of kidney failure.

15. Not sure if Effie’s going to tolerate Haymitch’s drinking at this party.

Still, you can’t blame Haymitch Abernathy for being alcoholic since he’s the last guy from District 12 to win the Hunger Games prior to Katniss and Peeta. You can guess what he had to deal with.

16. Just a couple of Peacekeepers patrolling the area. Nothing to see here.

Now these guys certainly made their own costume as you can tell by the batting helmets and football shoulder pads. Doesn’t hurt that they have toy police stuff, too.

17. Guess this is a group picture of Katniss with the Capitol prep team.

Weird to see Cinna without gold mascara. Not sure if the Asian girl in the dress is supposed to be Effie though. Still, you can see how fun it is to dress up as someone from the Capitol.

18. Is it just me or am I seeing 3 Katniss Everdeens in this one?

I’d watch where they put the arrows if I were a couple of those girls. You never know where you might shoot somebody’s eye out.

19. Which will she choose her hunting buddy or the boy with bread?

Of course, you have to like Peeta’s costume in this as well as his death glare to Gale. Yeah, the baker’s boy isn’t as docile as he looks.

20. As we all know, Katniss Everdeen is the Mockingjay.

And if you’re familiar with the events of Catching Fire, you should know that Cinna gets in big trouble for this outfit. Like getting brutally beaten as Katniss enters the Quarter Quell.

21. When you’re dressed up as Finnick Odair, make sure you have plenty of net.

Finnick Odair appears in Catching Fire as a victor from District 4, which specializes in fishing. Still, he’s not a popular costume due to dress code rules like no shirt, no shoes, no service.

22. Even girls can dress up as Effie trinket if there’s a white wig involved.

Now that’s an adorable costume. Still, I’m sure it didn’t cost much to make assuming that she had that outfit to begin with.

23. If you’re going as Caesar Flickerman, make sure your hair matches your suit.

Now the hair may not have the character. But the glittery suit definitely makes the costume in this case.

24. Of course, only in the Hunger Games are the more outlandish fashions behind the scenes.

Of course, one of Katniss’s prep team members has her skin dyed green. It’s not evident in the movies. Still, you have to admit that Seneca Crane does have an awesome beard.

25. If you’re a blond guy and your girlfriend’s Katniss, make sure you two are wearing matching windbreakers.

Of course, Katniss is wondering why Peeta isn’t wearing a backpack. Still, if you’re from the same district, it pays to match.

26. As doggie Effie Trinket says, “May the paws be ever in your favor.”

Still, I don’t think Effie wears the Mockingjay pin as I remember. But yeah, that’s sure in the real Effie Trinket spirit.

27. Even in drab, Effie Trinket is still a fun costume.

Just have some old denim clothes and you’re all set. Still, in the books, remember that Effie Trinket doesn’t defect to District 13, at least in the beginning.

28. If you want to dress as Katniss, it help if you have a fire dress.

Of course, it’s hard to tell which dress she’s wearing since she had a few outfits that caught fire. Then again, it might be the wedding dress.

29. If you’re Effie Trinket, you can’t have enough butterflies on your dress or hair.

This is modest than what Effie wore in the movie. But it’s still quite clever to say the least.

30. Of course, it’s hard to create your own Katniss wedding dress.

Let’s hope this isn’t a Hunger Games themed wedding picture. Seriously, I may like the books, but I don’t think a Hunger Games wedding is appropriate at all.

31. Of course, you can’t rock as Effie Trinket without orange and black.

From what they said about this picture, the woman dressed as Effie is supposed to be a school principal. Let’s hope it’s for a high school, shall we?

32. Let’s have some tea and a chat for President Snow.

For those planning on dressing up as President Snow for the Hunger Games movie: You’ll probably have no trouble looking for Santa Claus beards this time of year. Still, they don’t call Snow “Evil Santa” for nothing.

33. Over in the playpen, let’s turn to our very own Caesar Flickerman.

Now that’s so adorable. You have to love this costume for God’s sake, especially the blue hair and fake microphone.

34. Did I tell you that Effie Trinket really likes Monarch Butterflies?

Now that’s a butterfly dress I’m talking about. Well, at least in Effie Trinket’s case. Chances are it took a long time to make this costume.

35. Just because she’s dressed in fishnet stockings doesn’t mean she’s a hooker. She could just be dressing as Effie Trinket.

For some reason, I don’t see Effie Trinket in fishnets as very surprising. In fact, I don’t think it’s a surprise to see her in anything.

36. When you’re Effie Trinket, always make sure the right dress goes with the right hair.

And I’m sure Effie has plenty of wigs for all the dresses she wears. Yeah, it’s kind of a thing at the Capitol. Don’t ask.

37. Of course, all the Effie Trinkets will have to wait in line.

Caption: “Members of the public turn up at London’s Marylebone Station dressed as Effie Trinket as part of ‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ Capitol Costume Competition in which the winner gets to attend the ‘Mokingjay: Part 1’ premiere.”

38. When you’re Effie Trinket, it helps that your hair matches your outfit.

So I guess Effie’s at some sort of tea social. Wonder what she’ll talk about there. Still, very clever.

39. Of course, to Effie Trinket, this is business casual.

Yeah, she tend to dress way more elaborately than that. Trust me. This is quite toned down, but not that much.

40. Remember if you’re in the Hunger Games, it pays not the mess with Katniss.

That doesn't mean you won't be killed though. Because we all know the Hunger Games is a fight to the death.

That doesn’t mean you won’t be killed though. Because we all know that in the Hunger Games, the competition is deadly, literally.

41. As long as it looks like flame, you’re good to go with “Girl on Fire.”

Now this is a very cool Katniss costume. Love the flame cape here. Not realistic, but what can you do.

42. If you have an afro wig, it helps that you dress up as Rue.

In the story, Rue is a tribute from District 11 who befriends Katniss. She’s about 12. Still, she doesn’t last.

43. When it comes to baby costumes, it’s easy to dress as Finnick.

He may not have a 6 pack but he’s certainly adorable. Just watch that he doesn’t hurt anybody with the trident.

44. Of course, you don’t want to steal baby Katniss’s rattle.

Not sure if I’d trust a baby with a bow and arrow. But you have to admit, this costume is adorable.

45. As we all know, the family that does the Hunger Games together, stays together.

You can see this is a mostly boys group here. Not sure what the person in red supposed to be. Johanna? An Avox? One of Katniss’s prep team?

46. Yes, Peeta, rest your weary head on Katniss’s flaming dress.

Of course, that’s not real fire. But still, the idea of Peeta resting on a flaming dress kind of makes me uncomfortable.

47. We all know how Effie Trinket tends to glimmer in gold.

Not sure if Effie Trinket wore such outfit in the movie. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she has something like this in her wardrobe.

48. When it comes to seeing the Hunger Games, make it a family affair.

Actually don’t unless your kids have read the books. Still, you have to love the parents’ costumes in this one.

49. When it comes to being the “Girl on Fire” using Christmas lights helps.

Now this looks quite cool as I do say so myself. If you’re not familiar with The Hunger Games, you wouldn’t get this.

50. Don’t know about you, but it seems that Katniss is a bit creeped out about Seneca Crane and Effie Trinket.

Still, while Seneca Crane doesn’t play a big role in the boos, he’s loved by the fans nevertheless. Probably because of his beard.

51. Who says you can’t wear a wedding dress more than once?

Well, Katniss’s wedding dress didn’t really have a veil. But still, now that she’s made it look like it’s burning, she’s bound to wear this for many occasions.

52. You wouldn’t know this but Seneca Crane is said to be a hit with the ladies.

Enjoy being a chick magnet while it lasts, Seneca. Because I’m positive that you won’t last beyond the first book. Awesome beard or not.

53. Seems like Effie Trinket is in her Sunday best.

Yes, that’s Effie Trinket. But still, a bit more toned down than other examples. Yet, I’m sure the pattern does make my eyes sore.

54. Like Katniss, a girl’s best friend is her bow.

And by “bow” I mean the one you shoot arrows with to hunt critters or tributes. Katniss knows her way around with that.

55. Now Effie Trinket has a large closet. But she’s in the mood for blue today.

Yeah, I know I’ve been showing a lot of Effie Trinket lately. But still she has a lot of outfits and looks as you can see.

56. From District 7 for the Quarter Quell, you have Joanna Mason.

Like Finnick, Johanna first appears in Catching Fire. Her district specializes in lumber. Still, she does make quite an entrance in her intro.

57. Looks a bit short for a Katniss wedding dress, doesn’t it?

Then again, perhaps a tutu is all you need in this situation. Or all you can afford. Still, pretty though.

58. With a Katniss wedding dress, you can’t have enough feathers.

Now that’s probably the closest I’ve seen to pertaining to Katniss’s wedding dress in the movie. Still, very beautiful though.

59. Looks like this little Peeta Mellark loves to smile as much as baking bread.

Of course, you can tell it’s Peeta because he’s a boy and his shirt says “12.” Other than that, he might as well be from a different district.

60. Seems like it’s just another day at the Capitol.

And it seems like President Snow had to put in the least amount of effort in his costume. I mean that white beard looks totally real.

61. Here we come to Seneca Crane about to hail a cab.

Yes, Head Gamemaker Seneca Crane has an awesome beard. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help him in his situation.

62. Remember to spread your wings like the Mockingjay.

Man, those are very big wings. Must take a lot of feathers. Hope a condor didn’t get killed to make that costume. Because it’s an endangered species.

63. In tribute parades, they always make sure the girl and the boy from each district have matching outfits.

Now this is supposed to be Katniss and Peeta from the tribute parade in the first movie. Yeah, the flames really don’t look real in this.

64. For anyone dressing as Peeta, it always helps if your suit has flames.

I don’t know about you. But this looks less like Peeta the “Boy with Bread” and more like Peeta the Used Car Salesman. Not sure why.

65. Of course, you can’t have enough ruffles if you’re Effie Trinket.

No, that’s not someone you’d see in Whoville. That’s supposed to be Effie Trinket. But yeah, she does dress like that.

66. If you’re dressed as Prim, chances are you’ll have a rather easy costume.

All that’s required are a skirt, white shirt, pigtails, shoes, and not much else. You can get most of that stuff anywhere.

67. If you like red, then a “girl on fire” dress might be your best bet.

Now Katniss wore the red dress in the first movie. But like the one in the second one, it did catch fire. Yet, it did not transform.

68. For the Quarter Quell tribute parade, you might want to go with a sleek evening dress.

Like the outfit from the first movie, this one, too caught on fire. Still, not sure if I like this outfit better.

69. Guess the critters better hide, Katniss is out hunting.

Technically Katniss is poaching for rodents. But since District 12 is so poor, the laws aren’t enforced as much. Well, at least at first.

70. What do you mean you can’t shoot arrows in a red dress?

Of course, Katniss didn’t shoot any arrows in a red dress. Well, as far as I know. But it’s nice to imagine.

71. Take a tip from Katniss and don’t shoot arrows until you see the whites of their eyes.

Now this is her wearing a wetsuit from Catching Fire. Yeah, kind of looks dumb but they were aiming for practicality there.

72. Looks like Peeta isn’t too scared being alone in the woods.

Still, Peeta’s not as much adept to wilderness survival as Katniss. But his main strength has more to do with PR.

73. Yes, I’m sure these people have come with some police escort.

Yes, they’re dressed like you’d see people in the Capitol. And yes, they look ridiculous. But that’s kind of the point.

74. Who knew Caesar Flickerman didn’t just wear blue?

Now this is what Caesar Flickerman looked like in Catching Fire. Yes, he’s wearing black and his wig is lavender.

75. Let’s just say you don’t want to get Katniss angry.

Of course, they don’t call her “the Girl on Fire” for nothing. And yes, she can kill if she has to. I mean she did survive the Hunger Games.

76. Of course, it’s said the Katniss looks quite nice in red and black.

This might be the only Katniss outfit I haven’t shown this far. Still, don’t really know what to think of it.

77. If you’re the Mockingjay, it’s best that you flaunt your wings.

Except if you’re in the Capitol during the rebellion. In that case, you better be igcognito and remain so.

78. Seems like Katniss and Peeta are taking a rest.

Well, they better not rest long. Because you know, everyone is basically trying to kill them.

79. Of course, you never know what Effie Trinket is going to wear next.

Now while I may think this look might be ridiculous to normal eyes, Effie might thing it’s great. Of course, Capitol fashion can be weird like that.

80. As you might know, you can tell that Katniss and Peeta make a cheap couples costume.

Now when Katniss and her family were starving, it was Peeta who gave her a loaf of burnt bread that his family can’t sell. Sure Peeta was better of than she was, but not that much.

Walkerville Elementary School PTA’s Petition to Fire Ms. Frizzle

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 20, 2015

TO: Principal Julius Ruhle

FROM: The Parent Teacher Organization of Walkerville Elementary School

SUBJECT: Petition to Fire Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle

Dear Mr. Ruhle:

In response numerous complaints from parents, teachers, and staff of Walkerville Elementary School, the Parent Teacher Organization has decided to issue a petition regarding the immediate dismissal of fourth grade teacher Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle. And we have received the necessary number of signatures all across the area to send this petition on your desk.

Now we are well aware that Ms. Frizzle is a very popular teacher among her students as well as described as intelligent, kind, happy, funny, supportive, loving, and somewhat motherly. She’s also known to be rather enthusiastic about scientific subjects according to her outlandish fashion sense. We’re well aware that she’s very good at her job and her students’ test scores reflect that her teaching methods are very effective. Normally a teacher like her would receive awards for her accomplishments. But she has also attracted a considerable amount of envy and scorn from the other faculty members whose students lack the enthusiasm and grades than those in Frizzle’s class. And it doesn’t help that her students’ high test scores have basically given her job security while other teachers have to struggle reaching out to their students. In short, while Ms. Frizzle has proven to be an effective and much loved instructor, she has made life for the other faculty members at Walkerville Elementary more difficult as well as a living hell. However, her effectiveness in the classroom is more of a source of complaint only among her colleagues than anything.

We are all aware that Ms. Frizzle is a rather strange and possibly completely nuts. However, it has come to our attention that she has behaved in a way that’s unbecoming of a public school teacher as well as possess a certain regard for school policy. Among her violations, these consist of:

Failure to Enforce Dress Code Policies: It comes to our attention that two of Ms. Frizzle’s students have repeatedly violated school dress code policies which she has failed to discipline. This consists of a boy who always wears his hat in class and never removes it and a girl who wears a long sweatshirt and tights (as well as nothing else over these tights as far as we know). School policy dictates that hats are prohibited inside the building at all times while tights aren’t considered pants at all.
Failure to Conform to Pet Policies: Though classrooms are allowed to keep pets, they must be small and kept in some sort of containment like a tank or a cage. Ms. Frizzle’s class keeps a pet Jackson’s Chameleon named Liz who is always outside among her students. This makes her a walking health hazard as reptile bites can cause salmonella. Not only that, but Ms. Frizzle also takes her on field trips as well as leave her in charge of her students whenever she has to leave for a brief period acting as a substitute teacher. Then again, it’s said the Liz is no ordinary lizard.
Questionable Vehicle Possession: She owns a school bus which is said to be “very unusual” and have a mind of its own in which she uses to take her students on field trips. Her students claim that it’s capable of shrinking and expanding as well as transforming itself into many kinds of items during field trips like robotic animals. In fact, it has been known to provide its passengers necessary equipment as well as transform them into animals. And whenever it shrinks, so do its passengers. It’s even capable of time travel and traveling through screens as well as a lot of other stuff. Though usually under complete control, it can also exhibit independent or even irrational behavior. One student remarked on how the bus malfunctioned with size despite Frizzle trying to repair it, disassembling itself into raw materials while scowling after having done so to several other structures (though one student did slam her fists on its hood before the incident), and becoming a bear wandering off from the class in search of food. We are unsure of the vehicle’s origin or its safety record. In fact, we’re not sure if this vehicle is even street legal, licensed, or even inspected. Okay, she has had her vehicle inspected by a mechanic but he was lousy since he did so not only while eating a peanut butter sandwich, but also insisted that the bus had to go to the junkyard to be crushed. We know better but the bus is still hard to classify.
Misconduct Involving Field Trip Policies: Ms. Frizzle tends to take her students on field trips fairly often which seem more like spur of the moment decisions than anything. School policy dictates that field trips need to be planned before receiving administrative approval. And furthermore, before the trip, teachers are required to distribute permission slips to the students for their parents to sign. Ms. Frizzle has observed none of that whatsoever. Obviously, this has led to plenty of complaints from parents, particularly those who’ve had to pick up their child early. We will elaborate on the nature of these field trips later in this petition.
Supervision Failures: Like we said before, Ms. Frizzle tends to put the class pet Liz in charge of the class when she has to leave for brief periods of time. A lizard does not make an adequate substitute teacher at all under any circumstances. Nevertheless, there were some incidents where she left some students alone or with the lizard for long periods of time.
Sanity Issues: Ms. Frizzle may be a good teacher academically, but some of her teaching methods have led us to question her sanity. For instance, she seems see nothing wrong exposing her students to learning experiences that either puts them in danger or psychologically traumatizes them. Nor does she have any understanding of parental notification at all. When she addresses any dangers, it’s usually in rather casual manner. Therefore, we believe that she might need some psychiatric evaluation or even be put into an institution. Or a terror watch list.

As you’re well aware of, Ms. Frizzle tends to take her students on many exotic field trips pertaining to scientific topics. She also has a supply of other gadgets she takes along with her as well. While it’s apparent that these trips provide valuable educational experiences and provide no costs to taxpayers (since she always uses her bus for these), we find her field trip ideas questionable. Not in educational content mind you, but in the realms of safety and trauma inducing. We should keep in mind that Ms. Frizzle teaches third graders but her field trips present all kinds of safety hazards and content that might send them to a lifetime of therapy. Unsurprisingly, many parents have complained about these trips, especially since they seem to be otherwise impossible to execute. Some initially questioned whether these “field trips” consisted of Ms. Frizzle distributing hallucinogenic drugs to her students but it’s turned out not to be the case. In fact, her bus is either magic or just a very advanced piece of technology. We’re not sure which. Nevertheless, some of her field trip ideas consist of the following:

Outer Space (went there at least 4 times. One incident had a student taking off his space helmet on Pluto which should’ve frozen him to death, instead of give him a mere chill. They also were close to a super massive star that exploded into a super nova, which also should’ve either vaporized them or crushed them to death in a black hole. Not to mention, they have been inside the sun which should’ve incinerated them on the spot just for getting close. Also, there’s the fact that Ms. Frizzle is willing to travel to places in space where NASA wouldn’t even risk sending their own astronauts to)
Inside a Human Body (with the body being one of her students, no less. Another time they went inside a body of another student who was home sick {which was filmed for a Broadcast Day project} as well as one who turned orange. One incident had a student being caught on a wad of swallowed gum in the small intestine. Another had white blood cells attacking the bus. The sick student’s mother was mortified at the disturbing footage of his classmates being inside her son. And she’s a doctor out of all people)
The Waterworks (yes, this might not seem unusual at first, but her idea entails the whole class to be in scuba suits as well as turned into actual water that results in them being carried through the water purification system and going back to school through the pipes leading to the girls’ bathroom)
Through the Center of the Earth (which would’ve vaporized everyone at the earth’s mantle which is filled with molted magma)
The Ocean (not the beach as we know it. But the actual ocean involving underwater food chains, salmon migration, coral reefs, tides, and the ocean floor. Incidents range from having kids turned into sea creatures as well as being swallowed by fish)
Prehistoric Times (with one of the students leaving a fossilized footprint from the Cretaceous period as well as the class being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Fortunately, they weren’t attacked by the large herbivores despite the fact that Ms. Frizzle allowed her students to be near and touch their babies)
The Desert (where the whole class spent the night. This trip has received a lot of complaints from these students’ parents, some of whom have called the police to file a missing person’s report when their children didn’t come home from school that afternoon. The school suffered greatly in accountability because it had absolutely no idea where Ms. Frizzle and her students were at the time until the next morning. Most teachers, parents, and staff were in total emotional panic over this and were outraged that you didn’t fire Ms. Frizzle over this)
Inside a Hurricane (which is dangerous enough to wipe out whole cities and kill people. One student got sucked out of the bus and fell into the ocean several hundred feet below. Luckily he only got soaked even though he should’ve gotten him severely hurt if he was alive. Nevertheless, unless it’s their job or they have nowhere else to go, we usually have a name for those who stick around during a hurricane. They’re called, “morons.”)
Inside a Beehive (as worker bees, even the boys. Hive was also infiltrated by a honey hungry bear)
The Power Plant (but this involved the bus turning into a dump truck where it pours and shrinks the class into the plant that leads to them traveling through the electrical system. Again they should’ve been fried when going through the electrical circuits)
The Bakery (another seemingly normal field trip except that it involved a the bus malfunctioning and shrinking the students having to make the cake themselves, all the while the baker in question calls pest control complaining about moths and is called crazy. The bus and the students were also stuck in the oven during baking time before bursting out of the cake. All this with Ms. Frizzle being in the auto parts store the whole time)
Inside an Underwater Volcano (which should’ve fried them for getting too close to the lava)
Inside an Anthill (which the students have filmed. From an adult perspective, it’s terrifying, especially the part when the ants carried off the students one by one)
The Arctic (where the bus froze and two students were stranded with it on an ice flow. Students also jumped into the water covered in blubber but there’s a strong chance at least one of them should’ve caught hypothermia)
Inside a Monster Movie from 1953 (which resulted in the bus being hijacked by a military general in the film as well as at least two students being caught in a spider web. Also were attacked by a giant praying mantis as well as at least one spider. Not to mention, class fell into a spider burrow)
Inside a Student’s Home Bathroom (in which they were all shrunk by Ms. Frizzle’s Porta-Shrinker before being locked in by the same student’s toddler brother, no less. Toddler also destroyed the Porta-Shrinker as well. Class had to use the materials available to build structures in order to escape from a bathroom window. One student nearly fell in the toilet during the process. Meanwhile, the toddler in question was playing with the shrunken school bus after the dog dropped it from its mouth. Also, keep in mind that this student’s mother keeps a gila monster in the sandbox as well as an alligator in the bathtub. Why they don’t call child services on this family is beyond us)
The Rainforest (in South America. It’s amazing that nobody caught any tropical diseases, were chased by crocodiles or piranhas in the water, or ran into kidnappers or Colombian drug lords. In fact, they were lucky just to be caught in a stampede)
Inside a Chicken and an Egg (all while you entrusted her your pet rooster Giblets who later flew the coop, idiot. One student would even be stuck in the egg as it incubated at a very fast pace until it hatched)
In the City Streets (with the bus as a bear and the whole class as critters, which led it being chased by the city authorities. Not only that, but Ms. Frizzle had no control of the bus since it turned into a bear and wandered off from the class who had to search all over the city to find it)
Inside a Bean Plant (with her turning one of the students into that plant in question, no less. I mean she still had her human head to prove it)
Inside a Model Airplane (which crashed and resulted in two of the students having to rescue Ms. Frizzle and the rest of the class)
The Sound Museum (of course, parents knew about this trip ahead of time as being overnight. However, there’s reasonable evidence that Ms. Frizzle triggered a bus breakdown deliberately so the students could stay in the haunted sound museum overnight)
A World Without Recycling (where the bus basically disassembled everything, including itself with a recycling ray)
Inside a Pickle Jar (which Ms. Frizzle might’ve “accidentally” got the whole class stuck in. Another time some students were almost squashed by a cucumber)
On a Mountaintop (in which the bus triggered and was involved in a rockslide, intentionally)
Walker Lake (where the whole class panicked over the notion of a monster eating their fellow classmate. In another incident that same student was dragged to the bottom by seaweed)
At a Junkyard (a trip to this place would seem normal for Ms. Frizzle. However, a junkyard is filled with all kinds of safety hazards and is a very inappropriate place for a field trip. Still, in this place, the students built a robot that eventually went rogue. Also, witnessed a space shuttle crash through a garage roof)
Inside the Bus’s Engine (in an attempt to fix it due to a mechanic’s careless mistake with his peanut butter sandwich. However, the fact that it’s internal combustion would pose a safety hazard for students)
A Pond (which led to a student nearly drowning twice as well as the class being chased by a brown, hungry cat)
Inside a Rotted Log (where the class narrowly avoided being stomped)
Her House (in an attempt to fix her doorbell on Valentine’s Day where she invited the class to her bedroom {though nothing inappropriate happened in there}. However, the bus with all but one of the students gets stuck inside a lightbulb as well as in a circuit and a battery. Now being struck by lightning is lethal enough. But we’re amazed that these kids were in an electrical circuit and returned alive. All this without Ms. Frizzle’s supervision)

As teachers, parents, and staff of the Walkerville Elementary community, we find it amazing that Ms. Frizzle’s field trips always has everyone returning alive and in one piece. However, we must understand that these field trips show that Ms. Frizzle is completely nuts and should never be around children. Among the incidents that happened on these field trips include:

Being turned into various animals like bats, salmon, bees, sea creatures, mussels, reptiles, or city critters (yes, it’s all for scientific purposes, but still)
Leaving the students unsupervised on multiple trips (with one of them being in outer space)
Being shrunk on multiple occasions (which leaves them encountering animals several times their size)
Casually referring to mortal dangers as it was nothing more than a usual safety hazard (such as looking in her insurance manual as the bus is being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She also seemed calm or possibly rather excited while the bus was being eaten by a tuna fish as well as when the whole class was being chased by a brown, hungry cat)
Being transformed as water on two occasions.
Might’ve deliberately set some “accidents” in order to use a certain situation as a field trip opportunity.
Allowing a student to create a thunderstorm (which understandably got out of hand as you would expect)
Entering at least two students’ bodies without any informed consent, parental or otherwise (no, she didn’t molest them. She just used their bodies for field trips with that bus of hers, which might violate their privacy)
Having no qualms about doing anything to her students without any parental consent, especially when it pertains to them being constantly shrunk, blasted, baked, nearly devoured, electrocuted, trampled, and other life threatening and traumatizing situations.

Nevertheless, parents who have children in Ms. Frizzle’s class are always advised to take out a living will on their behalf as well as a possible life insurance policy. Yes, we’re aware that Ms. Frizzle’s students usually survive her field trips without serious injury, but it that doesn’t mean such incidences won’t happen in the future. The last thing our school needs is a lawsuit from the parents, especially if it pertains to personal injury or wrongful death. Unsurprisingly, we tend to see Ms. Frizzle as a big liability and as you know, our school budget simply can’t afford to accommodate litigation and settlement costs, especially if they pertain to her field trips. Such financial constraints have made us increasingly nervous any time Ms. Frizzle and her students go on a field trip on that magical bus. And we all know how many politicians are happy to cut funding to education, particularly during bad economic times. We see nothing wrong with teaching children science. In fact, we strongly believe that science should be included in our education curriculum since it’s important kids learn about our natural world. It’s just that we don’t think giving students an adequate science education is worth putting them in dangerous situations like Ms. Frizzle does which we believe just goes way too far.

We also have to be aware that while Ms. Frizzle’s students may excel academically, they also run a severe risk of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now there’s nothing wrong with exposing children to science but most teachers prefer that students learn through textbooks and documentaries for a reason. Ms. Frizzle, on the other hand, exposes her students to life-threatening as well as nightmare inducing situations. As far as we know, she doesn’t seem to take into account whether her teaching methods jeopardize her students’ safety or scar them for life. And it’s no surprise that many of her former students have sought intensive psychotherapy. Some of have even attracted academic interest from plenty of experts as well when it comes to assessing the potential psychological damage. The bespectacled red haired boy in Ms. Frizzle’s current class will certainly make a fascinating addition to that bunch after he’s done with her.

Thus, as the faculty, staff, and parents of Walkerville Elementary, we are absolutely convinced that despite her effectiveness, Ms. Frizzle is significantly unfit to teach at this school. Her disrespect for school policies, dangerous teaching methods, casual irresponsibility toward her students, and questionable sanity have made a huge liability for the school that we strongly urge her dismissal from Walkerville Elementary School immediately. She may have a loveable personality and sound academic credentials but she’s literally insane that no sane parent would want their kids anywhere near her. We know such measure might hurt Walkerville Elementary School academically as well as be unpopular among the students. But we insist that this school can’t deal with the unfortunate implications of keeping her here, especially when it pertains to putting students’ well-being at a significant risk in the name of education. She simply can’t be trusted with children and the records show this. If not, then the faculty and staff may have no choice but to go on strike as some parents might consider sending their kids elsewhere. Therefore, Mr. Ruhle, we strongly advocate that you get rid of this woman before she causes any further damage.

Sincerely,

The Walkerville Elementary School Parent Teacher Association

Not so Great Love Stories in Literature

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 18, 2014

As a young woman, I am well aware of how many love stories tend to be seen as great until you think about them a bit. There are plenty of love stories like this in classic literature which are celebrated romances we wish we could model our lives around. Yet, when we think about them a bit, we realize that these stories pertain to rather unhealthy relationships as well as serve us as a guide of what not to do. Then again, many of these don’t end happily and sometimes it was the author’s intent to show that they are unhealthy but the fandom just doesn’t listen. So without further adieu here are some famous literary love stories that aren’t really as lovey-dovey as they’re cracked up to be. And no, I’m not going to include anything by Nicholas Sparks or Twilight because they don’t really seem to qualify as literature to me. Still, there are good literary romances with the main characters engaging in healthier relationships as exemplified by Jane Austen. I mean Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett may be flawed but at least they manage to grow up and live happily ever after.

1. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

What you remember: Let’s see boy meets girl despite the two being from feuding families and secretly marry. Later on, girl’s cousin kills boy’s friend and boy kills girl’s cousin, then skips town. Girl engages in dangerous plot to avoid an arranged marriage set up by her parents consisting of faking her own death, which leads boy to poison himself. Girl discovers this and stabs herself. Families reconcile, the End.

What you forget: Sure this is seen as one of the greatest love stories of all time. However, aside from Romeo killing Juliet’s cousin bit, you also don’t know that Romeo also kills the guy Juliet’s parents wanted her to marry while the latter was putting flowers at Juliet’s “tomb” (though to be fair, Paris was going to arrest him for breaking exile and into her tomb). Still, Paris isn’t really a bad guy even if his biggest crime in the whole play is simply not being Romeo. Oh, and shortly before he meets Juliet, Romeo was in love with at least one other girl who didn’t care for him. That being said Romeo isn’t the kind of guy you’d want your daughter to date, let alone marry. Not to mention, sure Juliet may be in love with Romeo but you can also argue that she’s taking up with Romeo to rebel against her parents (over an arranged marriage but still) and she’s supposed to be 13 for God’s sake. You can also argue that the whole romance between Romeo and Juliet may be the result of forbidden fruit or intensified infatuation. Not only that, but much of the action in this play takes place in the span of less than a week. Yes, they marry after a few days of meeting each other. Yet, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that this play is the way to have a relationship despite that this play could’ve been used for an episode of The Wire. I mean they did a musical adaptation with this involving street gangs. Also, they both die and perhaps the moral of this could point that it shows how love at first sight and star crossed lovers ideas don’t really work out in real life. Also, that getting into an irresponsible relationship can end very badly. Not to mention, don’t force your daughter into a relationship with a person she may not even like or at least while she’s 13 or she might get into this kind of shit and don’t engage into meaningless violent family feuds.

2. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

What you remember: Other than it being the result of the “Lost Cause” school of history which is known for being rather racist, here’s the following. Southern belle holds on to an old infatuation for years to a guy who doesn’t see her as no more than a friend as well as marries his cousin. All the while when she comes under the affections of a much older, scandalous, and handsomer gentleman who’s willing to fight for a hopeless cause in her honor as well as wait a very long time to get together with her even if it means putting up with her marrying a brother-in-law o the guy she’s infatuated with and her sister’s fiancé. Their relationship is a disaster and disintegrates after the death of their daughter. Girl doesn’t realize that she loved this older man until very close to the end which is too late.

What you forget: Seriously, I do love this story, honestly. However, the relationship between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler was based on Margaret Mitchell’s first marriage to Red Upshaw who was an abusive drunk and a bootlegger with a violent temper. If you want to know why Scarlett and Rhett’s marriage turns out as bad as it did, look no further than Margaret Mitchell’s own life. The scene where Rhett takes up Scarlett in an act of questionable consent was based on an incident that happened to Mitchell. Also, at the beginning, Scarlett is 16 while Rhett is 35, which is kind of creepy but not by 19th century standards (though it may show that Rhett prefers women he could control). Still, whether you like her or hate her, Scarlett O’Hara is one of the more realistic examples of a Southern Belle in literature, especially when it comes to Reconstruction, which forced many women of her status in unsuitable jobs and marriages. Not only that, but while Scarlett may be a scheming and manipulative bitch, she can be quite naïve and innocent about the really nasty stuff going on behind closed doors like Ashley Wilkes being in the KKK for instance (this from the book I kid you not). Still, Scarlett’s fatal flaw in the whole story is her emotional immaturity which had a lot to do with her being more or less trained not to care about people and merely becoming a pretty doll supposed to attract husbands as well as devoid of personal emotions and wishes. As a result, despite being very smart, her amazing intellect is permanently twisted and stunted. Also, she’s not really in love with Ashley but with what he represents such as the old South, Tara, and her teenage years and doesn’t seem to allow time to properly grieve for the end of an era and accept that it’s gone. And because she’s so wrapped up in a delusion, she’s basically incapable of having an adult relationship with the man she loves the most (Rhett) and becoming a mother to her children (she has 3 in the book). Also, you have to know that sure Rhett may be a kind of dashingly handsome man as well as loveable rogue, yet he pushes Scarlett down the stairs, possibly rapes her, co-owns a brothel, spoils Bonnie rotten which leads to her death, and is verbally abusive. Not to mention, for a guy from the South, Rhett seems to be completely oblivious that Scarlett’s love for Ashley is more out of emotional immaturity than anything. Yet, at least I have to give kudos that Gone with the Wind doesn’t pretend that Scarlett and Rhett are utterly emotionally selfish people and their relationship is basically dysfunctional. But you don’t really seem to care.

3. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

What you remember: Orphaned boy named Heathcliff is brought to Wuthering Heights and becomes an inseparable friendship/romance with Catherine Earnshaw which ensues in an all-consuming passion. Yet, they are driven apart due to her brother making him a slave and her desires for social mobility which drive Heathcliff to leave Wuthering Heights in bitterness. When he returns, he finds Catherine married to an Edgar Linton, yet they still love each other despite all odds and her death leaves Heathcliff truly devastated.

What you forget: Let’s face it, Heathcliff is a complete asshole who only returns determined to crush entirely those who thwarted his one chance of happiness. This includes swindling control under the now alcoholic Hindley’s nose as well as seducing Edgar’s sister Isabella and later treating her in a cruel and abusive fashion once married and generally scheming to control everything belonging to both those guys. And Catherine’s death (from childbirth in the novel) does absolutely nothing to redeem him but only extends his vendetta to not only destroy his rivals but also their kids. Not only that, but though Heathcliff and Catherine’s relationship is passionate, it’s also unhealthy, twisted, and intensely destructive. It also leads to nothing but ruin to them and almost everyone around them. Not to mention, in the end it drives Catherine to insanity and perhaps destroys her identity and personality. Not only that but she marries nice guy Edgar Linton all because she finds Heathcliff “degrading” and that she wants to go to parties, be rich, or have pretty things. In short, she’s a gold digger who ends up with the right guy for all the wrong reasons. Still, the fact that Heathcliff is a possible sociopath who no girl would want to have (as exemplified with his marriage to Isabella, yeah), this doesn’t stop legions of teenage girls and women seeing him as a romantic hero. And the Sir Laurence Olivier portrayal as well as Stephanie Meyer’s trying to glorify the kind of relationship in Twilight Emily Bronte denounced in her book don’t help either. Seriously, a guy like Heathcliff deserves a restraining order or jail.

4. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

What you remember: Married aristocratic woman embarks on a passionate romance and later shacks up with a young officer she just met which leads to family dysfunction, slut shaming, sacrificing basically everything to be with each other, and suicide by train.

What you forget: Don’t get me wrong, Anna Karenina does contain a great love story but unfortunately, it’s not the one you remember. Still, despite Anna being seen as a good kind woman yet with an impulsive streak, I never really cared for her. In fact, I kind of found her pathetic, whiny, unstable, and annoying. Not only that, but despite her love for Vronsky, I don’t get the impression she wants to divorce her pious husband either mostly so she could see their son. Sure Anna’s a victim of double standards, social conventions, as well as spending her life being expected to have no emotions or wishes of her own. Still, Anna constantly fears losing Vronsky which leads to her being quickly disappointed in him as well as totally dependent on him for emotional support. This leads to her self-destruction. I think she should’ve just gone back to Karenin who certainly would’ve forgiven her and taken her back in a heartbeat. He may be an emotionless stiff but at least he tries to do the right thing as well as willing to raise a child by his wife who’s not even his, even if it’s all for self-preservation. Also, despite his faults, you can’t blame him for being deeply upset over his wife’s affair. Vronsky by contrast is a completely self-absorbed prick who flirts with and later rejects a young woman named Kitty who experiences an emotional breakdown. He’s also quite reckless and we’re not sure whether he truly loves her or not. Nevertheless, I think the great love story here is between Kitty and Levin. Sure Levin may prefer farming and hanging out with peasants to fancy balls but he’s a decent guy who really cares about Kitty and at least suffering an emotional breakdown over Vronsky’s rejection gives her time away from home to find herself. And though they go through hardship and a lot of transitions, they are nevertheless happy. Then again, the Tolstoys’ marriage was a lot like this.

5. Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux

What you remember: A hideous man named Erik who’s a tortured soul, longing for compassion from another human being, is obsessed with his singing pupil Christine. Unfortunately, she’s engaged to a childhood sweetheart Raoul. So Erik basically proceeds to stalk her, kills at least two people, sabotages a chandelier, kidnaps Christine, blackmails her by threatening to kill her fiancé, and essentially forces a world-renowned opera house to put on his own self-insert fanfiction which he literally inserts himself into. Yet, he lets Christine go with Raoul to live happily ever after as soon as she kisses him.

What you forget: Mostly what I basically said in the plot thanks to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical such as Erik being hideously ugly (and this role being played by total beefcakes and/or guys with great voices), the obsessively stalking, the killing at least two people, kidnapping Christine and blackmailing her by threatening to kill her fiancé, and the part about getting a world renown opera house to do his own self-insert fanfiction. Of course, the hideous part really isn’t that important as Erik thinks it is but even if you do feel bad for him having a terrible childhood, he’s a bastard nevertheless. Still, that doesn’t nearly get into him having a robotic torture device/death trap, saying that he owns Christine, and the fact that he gets more and more unstable as the story goes on. This guy is a psychotic, jealous, and possessive stalker toward Christine as well as a total control freak with emotional immaturity. Oh, and he also just wants Christine to be his wife so he could treat her like a living doll. Yeah, ladies, being with the Phantom wouldn’t be that great despite how much you tend to ship Christine with him in your fanfiction. You could see why she ended up with Raoul, who may not be that interesting but is a very nice guy who actually cares for her. Let’s face it, fangirls, Erik is in serious need of therapy here. Damn you, Andrew Lloyd Webber!

6. Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

What you remember: Historic context aside, rich guy falls in love with a raped peasant girl he saw unconscious during a party in 1905. Later he becomes a doctor and marries a girl he grew up with while girl gets together with a Socialist best known as Strelnikov. Later after World War I and during the Russian Revolution, Yuri and Lara meet up with each other again at Yuriatin and have an affair. Yuri gets abducted and forced to serve as an army physician against his will yet he shacks up with Lara when he gets back and starts writing poetry as well as conceive a lovechild. Yet, their happiness doesn’t last when Victor Komarovsky tells the two that Lara’s husband deserts his post and she must leave. Yuri later returns to Moscow and dies of a heart attack after mistaking a woman for his beloved. Their illegitimate daughter is discovered in the end.

What you forget: Yuri and Lara are very messed up people who get together as their world is falling apart. If you read the novel, Yuri not only loses his mom at 11 years old but his alcoholic dad commits suicide by train, which is witnessed by a friend. Also, he first sees Lara (in the book) when he’s about 13 and they don’t see each other again until he’s 19 in 1911 when she shoots a guy and faints at a Christmas party he attends with his foster sister and future wife. Oh, and that Lara was raped by Victor Komarovsky (who drove Yuri’s dad to suicide). Still, while Yuri may not be to blame to abandon his family (due to being kidnapped and drafted), he doesn’t seem to do anything to pursue his family after they get deported or even worried about them. Still, Yuri dumps Tonya hard despite being his foster sister, best friend, lifelong companion and confidant, wife, and mother of his two kids. All because she’s not Lara. Oh, and in the book he has kids to three different women. Not to mention, Yuri chases a woman he was infatuated with since he was a teenager and we’re not sure what Lara feels about him. Not only that, but she’s definitely in love with her husband who’s left her behind to join the Bolsheviks and was sexually abused as a teenager. Let’s just say that shacking up because your spouse is away and won’t come back doesn’t provide a good foundation for a healthy relationship, especially during the Russian Revolution. And they’re going to have a musical on this in 2015 or having their image on a wedding cake.

7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

What you remember: Jay Gatsby has a fling with Daisy Fay before being sent off to war and carries a torch for her for the rest of his life. Though he gets rich and holds lavish parties, he still wants to win her back even though she’s now Daisy Buchanan and has a kid. Still, he enlists the help of his neighbor (and her cousin) to set the two up at his house. The two seem to hit it off and when everything seems fine and dandy, she hits a woman with a car and Gatsby takes a manslaughter rap for it. He ends up getting killed by the woman’s husband and dies in his swimming pool.

What you forget: For one, while Gatsby is a self-made man, he’s a bootlegger and a crook who left his poor dirt farmer family behind and never came back, but at least he’s a great old sport compared to the racist, philandering, hypocritical, selfish, and abusive Tom Buchanan. Still, this book might as well be called She’s Just Not That Into You. Sure Daisy may love Gatsby but she just isn’t in love with him in love enough to dump Tom for him since it might mean financial insecurity, abandoning her daughter, and the fear of being abused and controlled by Gatsby the way Tom does to her. Yeah, you could see why she won’t leave her husband even if she’s not in love with him. Also, she’s kind of depressed and plays dumb as well as careless and shallow. And it’s her reckless driving that seal Gatsby’s impending doom. Not to mention, her childhood innocence is a major character flaw in that she can’t take responsibility for herself either to better her life or change the way her actions hurt others. Still, even if Gatsby had his way he would’ve never been happy with Daisy for he expected too much from her, wanting (and perhaps forcing) her to be the perfect memory he obsessed over. Nor does he know who the real Daisy truly is. Basically Gatsby’s fatal flaw was that he wanted what he could never have and he’s in total denial when Daisy picks Tom over him and it’s obvious she won’t come back to him. Alas, that poor son of a bitch.

8. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

What you remember: Girl has hellish childhood growing up with an abusive aunt and a boarding school of horrors. Becomes governess to a rich guy’s kid and falls in love with her boss. Boss reciprocates and they get engaged yet their wedding is cancel because they guy is still married to a mad woman in the attic. She leaves him dates another guy and goes back to find that the house burned down and the rich guy’s wife is killed. They marry and live happily ever after.

What you forget: Jane Eyre should’ve never went back to Mr. Rochester. Seriously, he’s not only several years older than her and her boss, flirts with another well-off woman just to make her jealous, gaslights and sexually harasses her, is already married to another mentally unstable woman he keeps in an attic which Jane finds out about at the altar from someone else, and asks her to become his mistress afterwards which Jane refuses. Yet, that’s all right because Jane goes back to him after Mr. Rochester goes blind in a house fire and his wife is dead. Seriously, what the fuck? If I found out that my fiance kept a mentally unstable wife in the attic while I was just seconds away from saying “I do,” I’d just go bridezilla all over the place, dump the guy, leave the altar in a spectacular angry memorable fashion, and never look back as well as perhaps use the reception for some kind of homeless dinner if I’m paying for it. Let’s just say the Disney princesses are much better role models for relationships than Jane Eyre. I mean finding out on your wedding day that your fiance keeps a mentally unstable wife in the attic is worse than cheating. Then again, she probably married him for the money and that he needs someone to take care of him.

9. Lolita by Vladamir Nabokov

What you remember: Creepy guy falls in love with pre-teen, marries the girl’s mother, and has her killed. Guy takes stepdaughter to use for his own sexual purposes as well as travel around until she reveals she’s having an affair with another guy. Creepy guy is devastated and goes to prison (or so as he says since it’s an unreliable narrator).

What you forget: Honestly, most of us are familiar that this book isn’t really a love story (except in Humbert Humbert’s own mind as an unreliable narrator) as it is more about pedophilia and sexual abuse, but I think it’s worth mentioning since there’s a group of people who think it is and it has disturbing implications. Yet, it’s because of Humbert Humbert’s unreliable narration that some fans of this book think that young Dolores Haze is a sassy, precocious teenager who wears a lot of vintage 1950s clothes and spends a lot of time eating lollipops, sunbathing, and crushing older men. The girl in the novel is actually an average teenage girl who ends up orphaned, raped, and kidnapped. She has more in common with what many victims would have on Dateline: To Catch a Predator than anything. Yet, this doesn’t stop it from being the inspiration for Lolicon and referring to Lolita as a sexual fetish for underage girls nor does it help that actual child molesters and pedophiles consist of a good chunk of the fan base for this book. Still, it’s because we have fans who sympathize with Humbert Humbert and think this story is a beautiful tragic love story, we have people who think this story glorifies pedophilia which wasn’t Nabokov’s intentions (he wrote it to condemn pedophilia). Rather he just though his readers would be smart enough to see through Humbert Humbert’s attempts at gaining sympathy and realize what a sick, despicable, and twisted bastard he is. He was wrong and probably should’ve written the novel in third person or perhaps through Dolores Haze’s point of view.

10. The Iliad by Homer

What you remember: Trojan prince Paris says that Aphrodite is the most beautiful goddess during an argument at a wedding so he could have ultimate love, goes to Sparta to see King Menelaus in the guise of diplomatic mission, kidnaps his wife Helen, and starts a war that goes on for 10 years.

What you forget: Say what you want about Odysseus infidelities in The Odyssey, but they were with goddesses which he couldn’t turn down and at least he was trying to get home to his beloved wife he hadn’t seen in years. Sure people may say that The Odyssey doesn’t make a good love story but it does. You can’t say the same about The Illiad in which most adaptations of the Trojan War has the relationship between Paris and Helen portrayed as such. Still, whether Helen left Sparta willingly or not is ambiguous yet it’s no denying that she has a miserable time in Troy filled with loneliness, self-distaste, and regret as well as conflicted. The Trojans hate her by the end of the war and has more respect for Priam and Hector than she does for Paris. Oh, and when Paris dies, she’s sent to be with Deiphobus but this relationship doesn’t last due to the sack of Troy and all. Still, she’s probably much happier to return to Menelaus and Sparta by the end. Paris, on the other hand, is seen by other Trojans as a philandering, cowardly jerk who’s responsible for the war who everyone wants dead. Also, he may not have been nice to Helen either. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if you can say that Paris and Helen love each other at all. Still, there are better love stories in The Illiad than between Helen and Paris which doesn’t seem much. I mean you have the marriage between Hector and Andromache (a guy who’s fighting so his son could live and his wife won’t be sold into slavery) or perhaps the relationship of Achilles and Patrolcus (if you want to see it that way but you really can’t tell with these relationships in Greek mythology. Still, Achilles took Patrolcus’ death hard).

Willy Wonka and the Workplace Violations Report

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 21, 2014

Recently we have received a number of complaints by visitors of the Golden Ticket Tour at Mr. Wonka’s confectionery factory. For personal reasons, all of the complainants have wished to remain anonymous. Mr. Wonka has a reputation for secrecy and no one has entered or left his factory in the last ten years, yet he continues to produce his confectionery products sold worldwide. Mr. Wonka has been suspected for dubious business practices for quite some time and these complaints provide a unique insight in how Mr. Wonka runs his factory, which have been very useful in our investigation. It has come to our attention that he may be accused of possible workplace violations, using an illegal workforce, and misconduct to children, yet this needs to be studied further. Here is a violations that have been reported by the complainants from the Golden Ticket Tour and other anonymous individuals:

I. Health and Safety

1. Safety concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Chocolate river has no safety rail and leads to a grinding machine via pipes.

b. Chocolate river boat has no safety rail either which caused a visitor to fall in the chocolate river while trying to consume its contents.

c. Nut Sorting Room has a gaping hole in the middle which leads straight to a garbage incinerator.

d. Great Glass Elevator smashes through a room.

e. New equipment has resulted significant mishaps such as one growing too much hair required the assistance of a lawn mower, one being turned into giant blueberries, one floating off into space, and a number of them being shrunk to fit on a small screen.

f. TV Room has a teleporter that could shrink anything to an inch so they could fit on a screen.

g. Whenever such similar mishaps befell any of the visitors during the Golden Ticket Tour, witnesses testify that you discussed rather bizarre solutions as if they were standard safety procedures that included:

i. Being compressed through an unknown procedure in the Fudge Room to get unstuck from a pipe after falling into the Chocolate River which resulted in the visitor exiting the facility as extremely thin and/or perhaps covered in chocolate.

ii. After being transformed into a blueberry, one visitor was restored through a juicing process yet was left permanently purple and absurdly flexible.

iii. Two visitors almost faced certain death in a garbage incinerator after falling from a gaping hole in the Nut Sorting Room. Both emerged from facility covered in garbage.

iv. After being shrunk in the TV Room, one visitor was stretched by a taffy puller which resulted in leaving the facility 10 ft tall but almost paper thin.

h. Mr. Wonka is a known recluse and his factory designed as a maze of differing rooms, mazes, spaces, and experiences. Visitors from the Golden Ticket Tour reported that it was hard to know what was coming around the next corner and a lot of them had trouble finding the exit besides the front door afterwards.

2. Health concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Labor force was not seen in appropriate attire when handling any edible products according to one Golden Ticket Tour visitor who owns a factory of his own. He particularly noted seeing the workforce handle any edible products without wearing hairnets or gloves.

b. Same visitor also expressed doubts on whether the workers washed their hands or whether any of the facilities were regularly kept up to sanitary conditions.

c. Liquid chocolate was stored in a subterranean river system that left the substance at risk of exposure to contamination for a considerable length of time. Same goes for the other candy products in the Chocolate Room, which many of Golden Ticket Tour visitors touched with their bare hands. On the Golden Ticket Tour, Mr. Wonka took his visitors boat ride on the chocolate river in which one fell in while trying to consume its contents. It is not known whether Mr. Wonka ever ordered his workers to dispose of the chocolate.

II. Labor

1. Labor concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. One former employee who was at the factory during the Golden Ticket Tour testified that he spontaneously had his entire paying workforce laid off due to an issues in industrial espionage. Judging that the former employee was previously living in squalid conditions, saving up money from public assistance to buy his grandson a candy bar, and is cared for by of one of his children, it is highly unlikely any of Mr. Wonka’s former employees received compensation or worker’s pension. Though he has no bad feelings for Mr. Wonka and has now moved into the factory with his family since the Golden Ticket Tour, he still feels the need to acknowledge this since many of Mr. Wonka’s former employees still express bitterness over the situation.

b. Same former employee also said that after the layoff, Mr. Wonka had his paid workforce replaced by a large number of undocumented immigrants from some obscure Third World country that is not officially recognized status under the United States government and one even the geography teacher in the Golden Ticket Tour has never even heard of. It can be fair to say that none of them have any authorization to work in this country nor could provide any documentation.

c. Mr. Wonka has been reported to openly admit that he pays these undocumented employees in nothing but cacao beans. Yet, he says he does provide comfortable housing facilities for them, though we are not sure about their diets.

d. Though Mr. Wonka says his workers are happy at his factory, it is unknown whether he actually allows them to come and go as they please since there has never been anyone entering or exiting the facility in ten years. Then again, owing to his workers’ undocumented status, it does not appear they have much of a choice. Their strong fears about deportation should also be taken into account.

e. Mr. Wonka said that his current employees originate from a faraway place known as Loompaland, which was filled with carnivorous beasts who preyed on them. He says that these Oompa Loompas see him as some benefactor and that living and working in his factory for cacao beans is not much of a sacrifice to them. Yet, we only have his word for it since all they have been seen doing by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors consisted of producing candy, being test subjects in his experiments, drinking alcoholic beverages while on the job, and suddenly bursting into song and dance routines whenever there was a mishap involving four of the Golden Ticket recipients.

f. It has been witnessed that Mr. Wonka uses his workers to test for side effects in his confectionery, sometimes with severe and possibly fatal results though he does what he can to rescue them when such tests go awry.

g. Some have said that a few of the design ideas at Mr. Wonka’s factory have come from a few of his staff members themselves, though we are sure he usually takes the credit.

III. Food Safety

1. Judging by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors’ testimonies, we find the safety of some of Mr. Wonka’s products questionable to put on the market. These consist of:

a. Fizzy Lifting Drinks which are soft drinks that make people fly. Fortunately, they could descend through belching on this one despite that one Golden Ticket recipient and his grandfather were almost killed by a fan while on one of these.

b. Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum that turns its consumers into large blueberries once they get to dessert. Even if juiced, the victims remain purple forever and sometimes gain flexibility in their skeletal system.

c. Confectionery products being stored in unsanitary conditions and open for contamination.

d. Everlasting Gobstoppers which are said to never get smaller no matter how long someone sucks on them.

e. Ice cream that always stays cold and does not melt in the sun.

f. Staff handling confectionery without proper attire and possibly without observing basic hygiene.

g. Rainbow drops that people could suck and spit in six different colors.

h. Hair Toffee, a candy that causes excessive hair growth on both hair and chin (even on women). Major side effect for consumers includes having to use landscaping equipment to maintain their hair from then on.

i. Exploding Candy.

2. Mr. Wonka has yet to release a list of ingredients for many of his concoctions, many of which could contain harmful chemicals or pose dangerous side effects, particularly to children. If Mr. Wonka fails to cooperate with us, perhaps we can purchase some of these products for chemical analysis.

IV. Environment

1. We are not just concerned of what is in some of Mr. Wonka’s questionable products, but also whether he is using any chemicals or is properly disposing any excess waste transported out of his factory and the potential impact they may have in the surrounding community, particularly if it is a chewing gum that turns people into blueberries. We do know his factory has an incinerator but that is as much as we know about his facility’s waste disposal.

2. We are not sure what Mr. Wonka runs his machinery on or their environmental impact on the surrounding community. All we know is that he has perhaps the largest confectionery in the world which must consume a lot of energy and perhaps water. It is unknown whether Mr. Wonka has reverted to sustainable practices.

3. We suggest we test the water in the surrounding community to see whether Mr. Wonka’s practices have any impact on public health.

V. Conduct with Minors

1. A while back, Mr. Wonka staged a contest to allow five lucky children into his factory by hiding five golden tickets in his chocolate bars.

2. During the Golden Ticket Tour four of the five children were involved in some dangerous situation whether it pertained to falling into a chocolate river and getting stuck in a pipe, getting turned into a blueberry while chewing an experimental gum, falling through a gaping hole that led to a garbage incinerator, and getting shrunk by a teleporter.

3. Despite what happened to these four children, Mr. Wonka has not issued an apology for the life changing trauma they went through at his factory. Rather he states that these children were spoiled brats who refused to listen to his warnings and have nobody but themselves to blame causing some to believe he steered them in to such trouble to scare them straight.

4. Mr. Wonka has also declined to give compensation to any of these four children and their families on account that he viewed their parents as indulging to their child’s every whim and should probably try being better parents. Has been known to politely discourage others from questioning him, including the parents. The parents have decided to sue for damages.

5. Apparently, Mr. Wonka seems to be either calm or amused to see children suffer under perilous conditions whether it is through a spectromatic boat tunnel that many of the Golden Ticket Tour visitors found rather scary or all the previous fates of four children he sees as “teaching a lesson” that boundaries should be respected.

VI. Mr. Wonka’s Character

1. In this investigation, we find Mr. Wonka as an enigmatic figure who has a problem with transparency, has more concern for his candy than human beings, and has no regard for industrial safety procedures whatsoever. He never thinks about what he put his former workers through or any impact he has upon the local community, the environment, or public health.

2. Mr. Wonka is a very rich man has not released his financial records for several years and it is unknown whether he actually pays taxes. He also has yet to disclose the names of those who supply him with raw materials or whether he pays them. Given his reputation as a one of the richest recluses in the world, Mr. Wonka fails to realize that transparency is the rule when running an industrial establishment.

3. Mr. Wonka fails to understand that to run an industrial workplace, particularly a confectionery, maintaining a clean and safe workplace are top priorities. While it is perfectly fine for Mr. Wonka to design his workplace as a creative playground, health and safety in the workplace should always come first whether that means having guard rails, having workers wash their hands and cover their hair, and making the facility easily navigable for workers and visitors. Mr. Wonka has ignored these.

4. Mr. Wonka also does not seem to understand that all food items should be stored in sanitary conditions and free from contamination. This means that all of his confectionery ingredients should be stored in sealed containers and not exposed to the open air. Who knows what the contents in the Chocolate Room have been exposed to.

5. Mr. Wonka does not see anything wrong with child endangerment whether it pertains to his products and factory equipment. In fact, he sees nothing wrong with releasing certain products that contain potentially harmful chemicals.

6. One visitor remarked that he mentioned the word “snozzberry” during a stop pertaining to flavored wall paper. The only definition our investigation managed to find for this word was a British slang term for penis.

7. Mr. Wonka does not see any reason to have his factory or policies structured to meet confectionery regulations.

VII. Response

1. That in evaluating these complaints from the Golden Ticket visitors and others, we continue our thorough investigation into Mr. Wonka’s activities by inspecting the facilities in question to determine whether there is any truth behind their complaints. If their testimonies prove accurate than it is with all due respect that we give time for Mr. Wonka to meet regulations or else face criminal charges for health and safety violations, food safety violations, workplace misconduct, hiring an undocumented workforce, environmental damage, lack of transparency, and child endangerment.

2. But first it would best to notify Mr. Wonka of the charges he may be up against and our intended actions during the investigation as well as inform him on what he should do to avoid arrest. Yet, even if he does conform to workplace regulations, this does not mean he is immune to lawsuits and criminal prosecution. Also, note that he designated the lone unharmed Golden Ticket recipient as his heir who is ten years old. Thus, Mr. Wonka might have been expecting this.

Celtic Mythology Reexamined: Figures from Arthurian Legend

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 24, 2014

Sorry, but the figures you won’t find in this post are Sir Robin, the fighting obsessed Black Knight, the women of Castle Anthrax, the Knights of Ni, Brother Maynard, Prince Herbert, Tim the Enchanter, the Killer Rabbit and the Monster of Aaaargh. King Arthur: “On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It’s a silly place.”

While Celtic mythology is rather influential in itself though you may not realize it with many popular legends and figures. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to sort out since Celts were largely spread out in Western Europe, had no writing system, and a lot were conquered and assimilated rather early (like before Jesus) so much of their legends didn’t survive save maybe those coming from Ireland or the British Isles. Not to mention, the fact that most of what we know in Celtic mythology was written down during the Middle Ages when most of Europe was Christian, which can muddle a few things as well as lots of characters with names hard to pronounce. Don’t get me wrong but there’s a reason why I’m doing a post on Celtic gods or goddesses. Nevertheless, one of the more popular stories revolves around a man named King Arthur with his Knights of the Round Table in Camelot, the renown wizard Merlin, his wife Guinevere, and so many others. Though we’re not sure whether Arthur was a real historical figure (if so then a Romano-British general of some outpost who fought against the Saxons) or a mythological king, these legends (though Christianized) enjoyed a lot of popularity in Medieval Europe (as well as up to today in fact) particularly in England where he’s been seen as a national figure (though the earliest stories came from Wales and Cornwall in the 5th century. Also, these stories have been very popular in France.). Nevertheless, these legends aren’t known for their consistency. So without further adieu, here are an assortment of figures from the Arthurian Legends.

1. King Arthur

King Arthur receiving Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake after the Sword in the Stone is broken. Known for glowing brightly as well as having an insanely sharp edge. Scabbard is said to stop the wearer from bleeding. It’s said that who wielded Excalibur could never be defeated in battle, though this isn’t set in stone.

You know him as: The perfect warrior king who ruled Great Britain during a Golden Age with Merlin at his side but fell to treachery and now sleeps, waiting for his land’s hour of need (or else has succumbed to his wounds after the Battle of Camlann). He’s a legendary and somewhat tragic figure who tries to overcome the land’s chaos and the notion of “might makes right” through noble chivalry but is ultimately undone. Son of Uther Pendragon and Igraine who was married to Duke Gorlois of Cornwall at the time her famous son was conceived through a rape by deception (assisted by Merlin no less, though Uther and Igraine got married before he was born but poor Gorlois {who got killed}, according to Geoffrey of Monmouth). Raised by Merlin (or Sir Ector depending on the version). Became king when he pulled the Sword in the Stone (which may not have been Excalibur depending on version. If not, then he received it as a gift from the Lady of the Lake after the Sword in the Stone breaks). United Britain, set up a Round Table with his Knights, drives off the Saxons, and reigns as a beloved king in an age of chivalry. Should’ve paid more attention to Guinevere if you know what I mean.

What you don’t know about him: Though always a warrior hero, he wasn’t always the clean-cut king we all know and love. In earlier traditions he was quite lustful, jealous, prideful, and greedy. He could be seen quarreling with churchmen, trying to steal Tristan’s pigs, killing a rival over a woman, and fathering several sons, none of them by Guinevere. Oh, and in the earlier legends, he was more of a warrior than king doing his own grunt work half the time as well as becomes king only because he’s the only guy to stall the Saxon invasion. Oh, and when he has Guinevere burned at the stake, he’s not conflicted about it at all in the original rendition. Yet, at least the early legends didn’t have him trying drown all the Mayday babies after finding out he knocked up his sister.

Earliest Mention: First surviving reference from Welsh and Breton sources at around 600 A. D. In the earlier stories, he’s only an allied commander and war hero and commander of lower birth who won a lot of battles against the Saxons in the 7th century Historia Brittonum (which has the first description of Arthur’s career.) He’s also said to have a dog named Cabal and kill his own son Amr.

2. Merlin

Merlin is perhaps the inspiration of the old wizard archetype that has taken the form of Albus Dumbledore and Gandalf the Gray. Yet, this doesn’t mean that Merlin is wholly good since his portrayal is rather dependent on the writer who could cast him as a hero, anti-hero, or villain.

You know him as: King Arthur’s wizard mentor who may have raised him (except in the stories in which Sir Ector does then Merlin is just the honorary uncle who leaves him at Sir Ector’s doorstep). In most versions, he’s the son of mortal nun raped by a demon explaining why he has magic powers he could only use for good and was said to be one of the last shape-changers during his childhood. Through magic and intrigue he’s responsible for King Arthur’s existence and rise to glory as well as many other events in Arthurian legend. Had a tendency to teach magic to younger women and his relationship with Nimue led to her betraying him and binding him to a tree, rock, or cave (depending on version).

What you don’t know about him: Though his mom is almost always a mortal woman, his dad’s identity varies through legend. Sometimes he’s a demon and in others he could be a fairy, deity, Satan, or nobody. Still, his actions could be highly questionable such as helping Uther to disguise himself as Gorlois so he could father Arthur with Igraine, snatching Arthur away and having someone else raise him, as well arranging the Sword in the Stone test so events would happen as prophesied. Not telling Arthur who his parents were caused many rebellions during the latter’s early reign, as well as Arthur knocking up his sister, and the May Day massacre.

Earliest Mention: Merlin as we know him appears in Geoffrey of Monmouth’s Historia Regum Britannae written around 1136 and was based on an amalgamation of previous historical and mythical figures. Geoffrey originally based his version on eccentric mystic Myrddin Wyllt and Romano-British war leader, Ambrosius Aurelianus. Referred as Merlin Ambrosius by Geoffrey of Monmouth for this reason.

3. Queen Guinevere

Guinevere has been portrayed as everything from a weak and opportunistic traitor to a fatally flawed but noble and virtuous gentlewoman. She could be praised for her friendliness, intelligence, and gentility or depicted as a vindictive adultress disliked by well-bred knights. Sometimes she’s portrayed inauspiciously or hardly at all.

You know her as: King Arthur’s wife and consort as well as best known for dooming her husband’s kingdom by having an affair with Sir Lancelot (well, the later legends anyway). Daughter of King Leodegrance (in the non-Welsh medieval romance), she was known for her great beauty and intelligence. After her affair with Sir Lancelot was exposed, Arthur condemned her to burn at the stake though Lancelot eventually rescued her anyway which sent Arthur into a rage and pressure the king to confront the knight. While Arthur is in France, Mordred prepares to take over and marry her himself. Her fate after this depends according to version (either she assented, ran away to hide in the Tower of London, or spent the rest of her life in a convent.) After Camlann, she meets Lancelot one last time before returning to the convent to spend the rest of her life. She also had famous abduction story where she’s kidnapped by the king of the “Summer Country” and King Arthur had to spend a year to find her and are finally reunited by Saint Gildas (in one of the earlier renditions. In a later rendition, she’s rescued by Lancelot and their affair begins from here.)

What you don’t know about her: In the earlier Welsh legends, King Arthur is married to three Guineveres (or she just has 3 different dads) and her family composition varies by version. In early Welsh variants, she has a sister Gwenhwyfach and it’s their contention that led to the Battle of Camlann. In the stories where she’s the daughter of King Leodegrance, she has an evil identical half-sister with the same name who tries to get rid of her and ruin her life but was stopped thanks to the Pope. Though childless in most stories, one has her bearing two sons to Mordred and she sometimes takes up with him, too in some variants as well. In Geoffrey of Monmouth’s account, she’s a beautiful educated Romano-British noblewoman in stories prior to the 13th century, she’s badass warrior and magic-user.

Earliest Mention: Earliest mention of her as King Arthur’s queen is in the Welsh tale Culhwch ac Olwen written in the early 1100s, but little more is said about her. Also, her name has a lot of spelling variations.

4. Sir Lancelot

Sir Lancelot may have been a latecomer in the Arthurian mythos but he quickly became very popular afterwards. In the later romances he’s a main focus. Also, Guinevere isn’t the only woman he’s linked with in the legends.

You know him as: He’s probably the Knight of the Round Table you’re most familiar with and is seen as King Arthur’s greatest champion whose affair with Queen Guinevere brings Camelot’s downfall. Seen as the bravest knight, sometimes uniquely perfect in every way save his relationships with women as well as buddies with almost all the knights. Son of King Ban and Queen Elaine by was raised by the Lady of the Lake. Father of Sir Galahad with Elaine of Corbenic who had him sleep with her by tricking him into thinking she was Guinevere (though it’s said they were married for ten years after that.) Went on the Holy Grail quest to atone for his sins but he forgot everything about purity and all that as well as resumes his affair with Guinevere. When found out, he escaped before King Arthur could confront him but he rescues Guinevere from the stake. They meet one last time after Arthur’s death before he spends the rest of his life as a priest by her death.

What you don’t know about him: While known to go on a homicidal rampage in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, it’s worth remembering that he was mentally unstable prone to slaughtering innocents at no provocation, only to collapse in abject apologies afterward in the Sir Thomas Malory rendition (this is exactly how Monty Python depicted him though they depict him as rather sexually ambiguous.) Also had the habit of wandering into the other knights’ pavilions and making himself at home. Not to mention, he’s actually a relative latecomer as a Knight of the Round Table he joins long after it’s assembled.

Earliest Mention: Introduced in the 12th century by French writer Chretien de Troyes in Erec and Enide. First appearance as a main character was in Le Chevelier de la Charette (or “Lancelot, Knight of the Cart”). His patron was one of Queen Eleanor of Acquitaine’s daughters who may have ordered de Troyes to add Lancelot’s infamous affair with Guinevere. Thus, it’s possible the entire crux of a huge portion of the Arthurian Romances was the result of a lady wanting to turn an adventure story into a medieval equivalent of a Harlequin Romance novel.

5. Sir Gawain

Sir Gawain was King Arthur’s nephew and original champion. He’s known for his unparallelled courteousness and his way with women. His symbol is a gold pentangle on a red background (at least from the Green Knight legend).

You know him as: Knight of the Round Table and King Arthur’s nephew. Son of Morgause and King Lot of Lothain and Orkney, he is the best known of the Orkney brothers (depending on whether you accept Mordred as one of them.) Before Sir Lancelot, he was King Arthur’s greatest champion. He’s often seen as formidable, courteous, and compassionate warrior who’s loyal to his king and family. He’s a friend to young knights, defender of the poor, and defender of women as “The Maiden’s Knight.” Some legends have the sun as his source of strength and is said to be a great healer through his knowledge of herbs. Best known stories of him are his struggles with the Green Knight and his wedding to Dame Ragnell (an early prot0-feminist tale. Yet, he’s been romantically linked to other women in legends particularly Lady Bertilak from the Green Knight legend. He’s also credited with fathering at least 3 kids.) Accompanied King Arthur on the quest for the Holy Grail yet, is buddies with Sir Percival, and feuded with Sir Lancelot after the latter killed a few of his brothers (save Mordred.) Dies in an attempt to prevent Mordred’s usurpation.

What you don’t know about him: In the earlier legends, it’s implied that he’s King Arthur’s second-in-command as well as the true and rightful heir to his uncle’s throne. Of course, he was later struck down by Mordred’s forces. The French legends about him weren’t as glowing about him and depict him as a proud and worldly knight demonstrating through his failures the danger of neglecting the spirit for futile gifts of the material world. On the Post-Vulgate Grail Quest, he always has the purest intentions but can’t see God’s grace to notice the error in his ways.

Earliest Mention: He’s been mentioned in some of the earliest Welsh Arthurian sources under the name Gwalchmei who was seen as a traditional Welsh hero.

6. Sir Percival

There are many versions of Sir Percival’s birth and family. His father may be Alain de Gros, King Pellinore, or another worthy knight. If Pellinore, then his brothers are Sir Agovale, Sir Lamorak, Sir Dornar, and Sir Tor. Guess there’s a reason why his mom didn’t want him to be a knight.

You know him as: Knight of the Round Table and known as “the Best Knight of the World.” Said to be the youngest of King Arthur’s knights as well as rather naive with few social skills since his mom raised him in the Welsh forests ignorant of the ways of men until he was 15 (then he went to join the Round Table through beating Sir Kay.) Still, in a lot of stories, he’s either a virgin or has very little experience with women, which is okay since he’s a teenager. Yet, don’t attack anyone unarmed in front of him or he will beat you up as Sir Kay learned the hard way. In some stories he has a sword that could cut through anything and would never break except in the toughest battle of his life. Best known for his involvement in the Holy Grail quest in which he meets the Fisher King but fails to answer a question to heal him, resists a beautiful enchantress, and was one of the two knights who accompanied Sir Galahad at the Grail castle.

What you don’t know about him: In earlier Grail narratives, he’s the hero while Galahad takes over in the later legends. Also, while he has a girlfriend in the earlier works, he’s certainly sexually inexperienced in the later versions and almost certainly stays that way since he becomes a monk. In some tales, he’s best friends with Sir Gawain (who’s sometimes his cousin) and in one legend even chooses to share a curse Gawain brought upon himself. His willingness to save his friend’s life by splitting the curse in half though they each get wounded badly.

Earliest Mention: He’s a difficult case. While he first appears under his regular name during the 1100s in Chrietien de Troyes’ le Conte du Graal (“Perceval, the Story of the Grail”), there is a similar character named Peredur in the Welsh legends but to what extent de Troyes adapted such stories into his work is a matter of debate.

7. Sir Galahad

Sir Galahad is one of the more familiar Knights of the Round Table but he’s one of the most recent and least interesting. Rather he’s seen as “the world’s greatest knight.” Then again, his character may have been inspired by the practices of the Cistercian Order founded by Saint Bernard of Clairvaux.

You know him as: Knight of the Round Table and hero of the Holy Grail legend. Though an illegitimate son (conceived through rape of deception) of Sir Lancelot and Elaine of Corbenic, he is known for his gallantry and purity. Upon reaching adulthood, he’s knighted by his dad and joins the Round Table after being the only person to survive the Siege Perilous and pulling a sword out of a rock. During the Grail Quest, he smites his enemies, saves Sir Percival from 20 knights, rescues damsels in distress, and what not. After receiving the Grail, he is taken up to Heaven and never to be seen again.

What you don’t know about him: He was actually named after his dad Sir Lancelot (who’s name was originally Galahad before changing it). Also, despite being one of the best known Knights of the Round Table, he doesn’t really do much except go on a quest for the Holy Grail which was what he was pretty much chosen for.

Earliest Mention: He’s a latecomer in Arthurian legend with his first appearance being in the 13th century French Lancelot-Grail cycle. Most of what he does in the Holy Grail quest, Sir Percival does in earlier versions.

8. Sir Kay

Though known for his bad mouth as well as bullying and boorish behavior, Sir Kay appeared in some of the earliest Arthurian legends as one of King Arthur’s premier knights. Later legends have him as a jerk to get the crap beat out of him.

You know him as: As son of Sir Ector, he’s King Arthur’s foster brother, seneschal, as well as one of the first Knights of the Round Table. Though a loyal and capable knight, he tends to manipulate the king to get his way and prior to the Sword of the Stone story (the story he’s best known in), Arthur was his squire at a tournament who only pulled the sword out because he couldn’t get the new knight’s sword due to being locked out of the house. Sure he tries to claim he pulled the sword but later relents it was Arthur. He’s also kind of a hothead with a fiery temper and sometimes could be bit of a bully who mainly serves either as a foil or to get the crap beat out of him by the new knight.

What you don’t know about him: While he’s not seen in a great light in the best known Arthurian legends, the Welsh legends have him as a really badass knight capable of magical powers like growing giant size, generating so much body heat he could keep dry in the rain, holding his breath underwater for 9 days as well as going without sleep the same amount of time. Also, it’s said that if no wounds could be healed from his sword.

Earliest Mention: He’s one of the earliest characters in Arthurian legend from the original Welsh tales.

9. Sir Bedivere

Sir Bedivere returning Excalibur to the Lady of the Lake. Though a prominent figure in the early Arthurian Mythos, this is what he’s most remembered for. Well, that and trying women for witchcraft by weighing them against ducks.

You know him as: Early Knight of the Round Table and King Arthur’s marshal (or cup-bearer in later versions.) In the Arthurian mythos, he’s best known for being the only Round Table Knight to survive the Battle of Camlann and throws Excalibur back to the Lady of the Lake at the mortally wounded King Arthur’s request. In pop culture, he’s best known for condemning a woman to death for witchcraft by weighing her against against a duck since he believes she’s made out of wood in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

What you don’t know about him: In older Welsh legends, he’s the handsome one handed knight with a four pronged spear and was known for using dark magic against his foes with great skill and aggression to the townspeople’s chagrin. He’s also said to be the best looking knight in Britain.

Earliest Mention: He’s one of the oldest characters in Arthurian legend from the original Welsh tales.

10. Sir Mordred

Sir Mordred once a capable knight only to become traitor when discovering he was a product of incest. In the Welsh sources, he's only King Arthur's nephew and in the earliest sources, they're not related at all.

Sir Mordred who was once a capable knight only to become traitor when discovering he was a product of incest. In the Welsh sources, he’s only King Arthur’s nephew and in the earliest sources, they’re not related at all.

You know him as: Knight of the Round Table and notorious traitor who fought King Arthur at the Battle of Camlann where that claimed both their lives (or at least his if you accept the King Arthur in sleep narrative). He’s popularly seen as King Arthur’s illegitimate son by his half-sister Morgause (if not, then Morgan Le Fay). At first, he’s a loyal and competent knight until he finds out about his real father. Let’s just say it’s goes downhill from there. Though two of his half-brothers expose Guinevere’s affair with Sir Lancelot, he nevertheless exploits it when King Arthur leaves him in charge of the kingdom so he could fight the guy who slept with his wife. Once his uncle dad is gone, he officially has himself declared king. Camlann is fought when King Arthur returns.

What you don’t know about him: In the Welsh legends, he’s only King Arthur’s nephew (if related at all) and foster son as well as was legitimately conceived between Morgause and her husband. In stories where he takes over the kingdom while King Arthur is away, he marries (or at least tries to marry) Guinevere though she didn’t have much choice in the matter. In stories he doesn’t, he’s married to Queen Guinevere’s sister Gwenhwyfach (making him King Arthur’s brother-in-law) and his inevitable confrontation with King Arthur at Camlann was due to a spat between their wives.

Earliest Mention: The first surviving mention of him is in the 10th century Annales Cambriae where he’s listed as Merdaut. All it says is that him and Arthur died at Camlann but it’s never certain whether they killed each other or were on opposite sides. He first plays role of traitor on Geoffrey of Monmouth’s Historia Regum Britannae.

11. Sir Palomides

Sir Palomides may be the most famous Non-European Knight of the Round Table, but he has such rotten luck. Not only did he fall in love with a girl who had the hots for his best friend, but in some stories, he’s killed after the Grail Quest for killing that woman’s husband.

You know him as: Knight of the Round Table from the Middle East along with his brothers Segwarides and Safir. Originally a pagan prince of Esclabor before converting to Christianity (in some versions during the Grail Quest). While best friends with Sir Tristan, he sort of resents him when they both fall in love with Iseult the Fair, though he doesn’t want that to t ruin their relationship (also, because he lost a joust with Sir Tristan that determined which one called dibs). Best known for taking over King Pellinore’s hunt for the Questing Beast which proved to be just as fruitless as the hope of having a relationship with Iseult the Fair (though Sir Thomas Malory has him finally slay the beast after his conversion to Christianity which releases him from worldly entanglements).

What you don’t know about him: His fate differs according to version. In Sir Thomas Malory’s tale, he sides with Sir Lancelot after the latter’s affair with Queen Guinevere is exposed and is made a Duke of Provence. In the Post-Vulgate version, Sir Gawain kills him after the Holy Grail Quest since he killed King Mark of Cornwall for slaying Sir Tristan.

Earliest Mention: First appears in the 13th century Prose Tristan an expansion of the Tristan and Isolde story.

12. Sir Ywain

Sure Sir Ywain may have killed a supernatural fountain guardian who beat up his cousin and later married the guy’s widow. But he at least has a cool lion despite that he’s the Round Table Knight you probably never heard of.

You know him as: Knight of the Round Table and son of King Urien (sometimes with Morgan Le Fay, which makes him King Arthur’s nephew). Best known for rescuing a lion from a serpent who proves to be a loyal companion and symbol of knightly virtue. As for him, not so much since he ended up killing a guardian of a supernatural storm-causing fountain because the guy beat up his cousin. Not to mention, he also marries the guy’s widow Laudine who later dumps him after Sir Gawain tempts him into another adventure (they make up thanks to the lion helping him to shape up after he’s basically devastated by the whole thing).

What you don’t know about him: He was a very popular character in the Arthurian legends during the Middle Ages though he’s not a well known knight nowadays though he’s more or less seen as “the one with the lion” if he is. Also, there’s a Welsh legend of him playing chess with King Arthur as the Saxons prepare to fight the Battle of Badon.

Earliest Mention: He’s one of the earliest characters associated with King Arthur from the Welsh legends. Also, he’s based on the historical figure Owain mab Urien, King of Reghed in Great Britain.

13. Sir Tristan

I don’t know about Sir Tristan here, but I’m sure that sharing a love potion with your uncle’s fiancee is never a good idea. Really not a good idea, on a positive note, he’s not in the Harry Potter universe where love potions are date rape drugs.

You know him as: Knight of the Roundtable who was sent by his Uncle King Mark of Cornwall to fetch the Irish princess Iseult the Fair for the Cornish king’s wedding. Yet, on the way, they accidentally consume a love potion and fall helplessly in love. Though she marries King Mark as promised, the pair undergo a lot of trials and tribulations that test their secret affair. Of course, this goes on until their tragic deaths by despair (his by poison out of thinking she abandoned him) but they’re buried side by side as two star crossed lovers should be with a honeysuckle springing from her grave around a hazel tree growing from his (that or a briar twirling around a rose or just pain dead).

What you don’t know about him: Since he couldn’t marry his beloved Iseult the Fair, he married another woman named Iseult of the White Handsand is only attracted to her because she shared his beloved’s name. It goes as worse as you’d expect since this Iseult ended up indirectly killing him by saying his beloved was never coming back just as the girl arrives to cure him.

Earliest Mention: He makes his early appearance in the early 12th century in Celtic mythology and/or folklore though his affair with Iseult the Fair is incorporated into the Arthurian Mythos later.

14. Morgause

Though Queen of Lothain and Orkney and mother of five sons and a number of daughters, Morgause still has a heft sexual appetite. Yet, this is what did her in at the end when her son Gaheris lopped her head off.

You know her as: King Arthur’s half-sister, wife of King Lot of Lothain and Orkney, and mother of the Orkney brothers: Sir Gawain, Sir Agavain, Sir Gareth, Sir Gaheris, and Sir Mordred. May have conceived Mordred with King Arthur in an act of inadvertent incest, but they’re estranged upon realization for good reason. Yet, despite five boys and a number of daughters, she manages to be some sort of cougar being very friendly with younger men (King Arthur included). After King Lot’s death, she has an affair with Sir Lamorak (son of the guy who killed her husband), which leads to her son Sir Gaheris beheading her in bed though tries to frame her lover leading Agavain, Gawain, and Mordred to get rid of him.

What you don’t know about her: In her earlier stories, she does nothing but be the mother of the Orkney brothers. She doesn’t become a fully formed character until Sir Thomas Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur. Also tends to be combined with Morgan Le Fay and some scholars think she was created due to a translation error.

Earliest Mention: She’s a later addition appearing in Chretien de Troyes Perceval as Orcades. Yet, she did have a few earlier counterparts before then.

15. Morgan Le Fay

Morgan Le Fay is perhaps one of the best known characters in Arthurian legend as well as one of the most popular. Somehow there’s something hard to resist with such a complex scheming witch who feels that Queen Guinevere’s a hypocrite for banishing her lover and taking up with Sir Lancelot. Of course, she also had the hots for him as well.

You know her as: King Arthur’s half-sister, a powerful sorceress, and in later traditions, wife of King Uriens and mother of Sir Ywain. Though some modern renditions make her Mordred’s mother, she is not but like her sister Morgause, she has a string of lovers nevertheless (though Uriens doesn’t seem to mind when she’s married to him). Yet, while she sometimes has a adversarial relationship with King Arthur (to the point when she tries to arrange his downfall but fails), she’s more of a an arch-enemy toward Guinevere (who exposed her having an affair with her cousin). Also, part of her hatred for Guinevere stems from the fact she herself wanted to sleep with Sir Lancelot. She devotes a lot of her time in the legend to exposing Guinevere’s affair with Sir Lancelot though King Arthur didn’t believe her no matter how hard she tried to convince him. Yet, somehow she mellows, she and Arthur reconcile, and soon takes him up to Avalon after Camlann.

What you don’t know about her: She may have started out in Arthurian legend as a supernatural being possibly a goddess. Also, she didn’t start out as King Arthur’s half-sister and actually had nine in her early appearances. Not only that, but her early appearances have her as a benevolent sorceress who might’ve saved King Arthur’s life. She also plays a role assisting Sir Ywain in one story, too as a healer but the story doesn’t imply that they are mother and son. Oh, and she appears in stories that are unconnected with the Arthurian Mythos as well.

Earliest Mention: It’s hard to say whether she started out as a French character or as a Welsh one. She’s first mentioned by name in Geoffrey of Monmouth’s Vita Merlini while the later French tales feature her with all her familiar traits.

16. Nyneve

She may not have given King Arthur Excalibur but Nyneve’s a magical being who’s closely identified as being the Lady of the Lake. Also, has many names like Nimue, Niniane, and Vivian.

You know her as: She’s best known as the Lady of the Lake (though she’s not the one who gave King Arthur Excalibur, though she was a servant of hers in some versions who’s later beheaded in the Sir Thomas Malory stories). Learned magic from Merlin who fell for her yet she ends up betraying him and using her powers to lock him in a tree, (rock, or cave). Afterwards, she replaces Merlin as King Arthur’s adviser. Still, her love is Sir Pelleas who she used her magic to hate a girl who was thoroughly uninterested in him (yet, she ended up dying in despair). Nevertheless, the guy lived mostly because of her. Associated with Avalon and may have raised Sir Lancelot.

What you don’t know about her: Though one of the more familiar characters in Arthurian legend, there’s not a lot of stories about her and her character.

Earliest Mention: Either in the works by Chretian de Troyes or the Lancelot Grail cycle. About as early as the 1100s maybe even before that.

17. Iseult the Fair

Iseult’s affair with Sir Tristan is one of the more enduring medieval love stories that has stood the test of time. Yet, this was originally a separate story before being part of the Arthur Mythos.

You know her as: An Irish princess who heals Sir Tristan and is arranged to marry his Uncle King Mark of Cornwall. Yet, when she and Tristan accidentally drink a love potion en route, they fall hopelessly in love. Once she’s married, they embark on a tragic love affair consisting of secret meetings until King Mark banishes Tristan from Cornwall. They meet again when Tristan is poisoned (or stabbed in the back by King Mark once he catches him playing a harp from a tree).

What you don’t know about her: In verse tradition, she and Tristan don’t meet again after he’s banished until he’s on his deathbed. Some versions have their affair go much longer and in some stories they even have kids. Also, she has a lot of guys attracted to her mostly so they could have a conflict with Tristan.

Earliest Mention: Like Sir Tristan, she makes her first appearance in the 12th century in Celtic mythology and/or folklore, though her affair was treated as a separate story and incorporated in the the King Arthur Mythos later.

18. King Pellinore

King Pellinore on the endless hunt of the legendary Questing Beast whose appearance can’t be articulated in this post. Still, this guy probably should’ve been making less war and spend more time with his family or families.

You know him as: Best known for his endless hunt of the Questing Beast and beating King Arthur in three jousts which breaks the Sword in the Stone, which leads to the latter to fetch Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake (if the sword is Excalibur, Merlin just enchants Arthur to save his life. Both become friends afterwards and he’s invited to join the Round Table afterwards. Also, he’s known to have a lot of kids to different women and at least has three sons join the Round Table, too (though he’s sometimes referred to as Sir Percival’s father). Not to mention, he helps King Arthur put down a lot of rebellions of other kings including his brother-in-law Lot of Lothian. Kills King Lot of Orkney during a battle that results in a blood feud with the Orkney brothers and many other deaths including his own son Lamorak.

What you don’t know about him: When trying to rescue Nyneve, he refused to provide aid to a wounded knight and his ailing lady. Lady later killed herself with her dead lover’s sword before he would eventually find out she was his own daughter.

Earliest Mention: He’s at least in Arthurian legend as early as the Post-Vulgate cycle.

Original Fairy Tales Part 3

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 11, 2014

Last time I did Little Red Riding Hood, The Pied Piper of Hamelin, Puss in Boots, Rapunzel, Rumpelstiltskin, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Three Billy Goats Gruff, The Three Little Pigs, The Fisherman and His Wife, The Little Mermaid, and the Girl Without Hands. Of course, these aren’t the only tales we know but I have a few more to go over in this one. Still, many people would say that fairy tales are merely stories for children and are rather G rated. Yet, what most parents don’t realize is that many of them contain a lot of family unfriendly material like sex, violence, and creepy features. So without further adieu, here are even more familiar fairy tales with their original versions.

Pinocchio

Geppetto creating Pinocchio.

How You Know It: Toymaker makes wooden puppet boy who comes to life and would be a real boy if he is good. Unfortunately, Pinocchio is kind of mischievous and gets into all sorts of trouble but his nose grows when lies while he sees bad boys being turned into donkeys and sold to the circus. After saving Geppetto from a fish, he shapes up and becomes a real boy.

The Original Version: Based on the 1883 book “The Adventures of Pinocchio” by Italian Carol Collodi. While Pinocchio was mischievous in the movie, he’s far so in the source material where he runs away as soon as he could walk. He’s found by police who put Geppetto in prison on suspicion on abuse. Oh, and the talking cricket who warns him of the dangers on hedonistic pleasures and obedience, Pinocchio kills him (sorry, Jiminy). When Geppetto is released, he insists Pinocchio go to school but the living puppet sells his schoolbooks for a ticket to a puppet show where he encounters a fox and a cat who steal his money and try to rob him.

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Emperor parades in his new clothes and exposes himself at the same time.

How You Know It: Fashion obsessed Emperor is swindled by two “weavers” (con artists) who offer to make him a set of new clothes with a special material that would only be invisible to complete idiots. Emperor thinks this would help him find out who in his court is unworthy for their position and gives them permission. Nobody makes a fuss regardless of whether they believe those two crooks until the Emperor decides to parade in his new “outfit” in which a child points out that he is naked.

The Original Version: Written by Hans Christian Andersen but while illustrated adaptations usually have the Emperor in his underwear, the original version makes it clear he was probably completely nude. Oh, and he still goes on with the procession even the kid speaks about the Emperor not having any clothes on. Still, this may be based on an old Spanish tale from the Middle Ages yet the king is cheated by “weavers” who claim to make clothes that would be invisible to anyone who’s not a son of the guy’s presumed father.

The Nutcracker and the Mouse King

Girl receives nutcracker for Christmas.

How You Know It: Kids receive a toy nutcracker for Christmas by their godfather Drosselmeier. One of the kids breaks but is later repaired with the young girl swearing to be its nurse before going to bed. That night the nutcracker comes alive and thanks to the girl, is able to overcome his foes (such as the mouse royal family) and eventually kills them before transforming into a handsome prince. He then takes her to show his doll kingdom.

The Original Version: It’s an 1816 German tale by author E.T. A. Hoffman and his version is much creepier than the one you’d see at the ballet around Christmas time. In this tale, the girl is named Marie who’s seven and the nutcracker is actually Drosselmeier’s nephew transformed by an evil mouse queen’s curse for 7 years. And he’s at least in his early teens. Also, the sadistic Mouse King has seven heads, visits her three times, eats sugar dolls, and makes Marie surrender all her candy and toys to him or else he’ll destroy the nutcracker. Then there’s the mice biting a princess and turns her into a monster but, too. Oh, and after the tour Marie wakes up in her own bed and tells her parents of the whole thing the next day who don’t believe her and forbid her to speak about it again (even though she has the Mouse Kings 7 crowns to show for it). Yet, Marie goes to the nutcracker and vows that she’d love him if he was real, even if he was ugly which breaks the curse and he asks her to marry him. She accepts and after a year, the nutcracker prince/king takes her to the doll kingdom where she is crowned queen.

The Princess and the Pea

Pea under a bunch of mattresses, girl still can’t sleep.

How You Know It: A prince wants to marry a real princess and tries to find one to no avail. One night, a young woman claiming to be a real princess seeks shelter from a storm. The queen suggest she test her by placing a pea on a bedstead and piling 20 mattresses and feather beds on top of it. There the young woman spends the night. The next morning she tells her hosts she endured a sleepless night being kept awake by something hard on her bed. The prince rejoices since the young woman was found to be a princess. They marry and live happily ever after.

The Original Version: Written by Hans Christen Andersen who claimed to have heard it as a child but it has never been a traditional tale in Denmark. It might’ve been in Sweden but that version used seven peas. Also, in Andersen’s version, the pea was said to have bruised the princess.

Bluebeard

If your new man keeps a torture cellar of his brutally murdered previous wives, that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

How You Know It: Rich widower asks young woman to marry him. After the wedding, he gives her a set of keys to every room in the mansion with the stipulation that she never ever use to golden key to open a certain room in the house. While her husband is on a business trip, the woman naturally gets bored and increasingly curious about this particular room that she does. And to her shock, she finds the blood spattered bodies of all Bluebeard’s former wives he murdered for money as well as a basin full of blood. She flees in horror but when her husband returns, he finds out one way or the other, and threatens to kill her, too. Woman gets saved at last minute (whether by her family or the authorities).

The Original Version: The most familiar version is from the 17th century author Charles Perrault which is based on an old French folk tale which may have been inspired by a true story relating to a friend of Joan of Arc (yes, that Joan) named Giles de Rais who was also a famous 15th century serial killer (yet he killed children just for the heck of it not wives for money). Still, in the Perrault version, the woman actually escapes and ends marrying a better guy. Though the author tried to make the Bluebeard story about how curiosity is a flaw as well as could ruin a perfectly good marriage if a wife sticks her nose in her husband’s affairs, he kind of failed miserably considering that Bluebeard’s dark secret consisted of brutally murdered wives in a torture cellar.

Bluebeard has major trust issues for good reason.

There’s an English version called “Mr. Fox” that was cited in a play by William Shakespeare. This one has the heroine actually witness the villain murdering his previous bride and confronting him at the pre-wedding breakfast with the severed hand of that unfortunate lady and is saved by her relatives and suitors. There’s also a second Grimm Brothers variant in called “Fitcher’s Bird that says that the heroine was only wrong in that she got caught. Of course, she also finds her sisters’ bodies in a way her husband can’t detect and ultimately comes out on top.

The Tortoise and the Hare

Tortoise and the hare are about to race. Guess who wins.

How You Know It: Hare ridicules tortoise that he can outrun him in any race chiefly due to obvious biological differences. The tortoise challenges to a race to prove it. The next day, the hare is so confident in his natural ability that he shows off by messing around the entire race. Finds out later that the tortoise ended up ahead of him and wins.

The Original Version: This is one of Aesop’s fables from Ancient Greece, which had the hare actually take a nap halfway through before realizing that the tortoise had beat him. Still, there’s a version by the Grimm Brothers that replaces the tortoise with a hedgehog who has a bet with the hare that whoever wins gets a bottle of brandy and a gold coin. Oh, and the hedgehog cheats by having his wife dress up as him and hide at the finish line only to come up before the hare just crosses it. Being a sore loser, the hare challenges the hedgehog again and they start at the finish line. The hedgehogs pull the same trick. The hare keeps challenging the hedgehog more than 70 times (with the hedgehogs winning through the same trick each time). That is, until the 74th time when a blood vessel bursts in the hare’s throat and he collapses at the middle of the racetrack, gurgling his last confused breaths while drowning in his own blood.

The Red Shoes

Girl can’t stop dancing in her red shoes.

How You Know It: Girl gets a red pair of shoes, can’t stop dancing to take them off, and dies.

The Original Version: Based on a story by Hans Christen Andersen. Still, she’s brought in by a rich lady who gives her a pair of shoes. Yet, being the materialistic brat she is, she remains obsessed with the shoes. Yet, of course when she starts dancing at a party (when her adoptive mom is ill) she just can’t stop as if the shoes have a life of their own. Of course, this really has a negative effect of her life that she can’t attend her adoptive mother’s funeral. Oh, and there’s an angel that condemns her to dance even after she dies as a warning to kids everywhere. The girl begs for mercy but the red shoes take her away before the angel could say anything else. She then has an executioner cut of her feet, yet that doesn’t do the trick for the shoes continue to dance before her. Eventually the angel gives the girl mercy she asked for and her heart bursts so she’s taken up to heaven.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Perhaps using magic to help with housework is probably not a good idea.

How You Know It: Kid magician apprentices for a sorcerer but he’s stuck with mopping the floor instead using no magic. When his master’s away, the boy enchants a broom to do the work for him (using magic in which he’s not fully trained). The floor is soon covered in water and the apprentice realizes he can’t stop the broom because he doesn’t know how. He splits the broom with an ax but new brooms form from the pieces and each take a pail fetching water at twice the speed. Sorcerer comes back at the last minute to save the day.

The Original Version: Though remembered as a Disney sequence from Fantasia, it’s from an 18th century poem by Goethe, but the sorcerer isn’t as angry in that. Also, there’s an Ancient Roman version to this as well by Lucian from 150 AD. Yet, the master is actually an Egyptian priest called Pancrates and the role in the apprentice is the guy’s friend Eucrates who thinks he could cause some magic after just eavesdropping on his companion. Yet, the implement here is a pestle.

The Snow Queen

The Snow Queen takes the boy to her ice castle.

How You Know It: Magical winter queen kidnaps young boy named Kai and takes him to her castle and makes him forget about his home. Girl named Gerda makes long hard journey to save him, with the help of a robber girl and her animal friends, a princess, a couple old ladies, and others.

The Original Version: Written by Hans Christian Andersen. Sure people think Frozen is based on this but it’s a bit of a stretch (it was originally going to be an adaptation but it didn’t work out that way). Still, the Snow Queen in the Hans Christian Andersen tale bears more resemblance to the White Witch in the Chronicles of Narnia series with the exception that she’s not an evil person. Besides, Kai willingly stays with her and she’s willing to let him leave if he once though he has to accomplish an almost impossible task. Also, the story has a prequel with an evil troll (who’s actually Satan) makes a magic mirror of cynicism, it slips from his grasp and shatters into a billion pieces. One of those hits Kai in the heart and eye (before the Snow Queen kidnaps him though even with a frozen heart, he still lives but it takes Gerda’s tears to thaw him). Not to mention, there’s a lot of Christian subtext in this story which many adaptations leave out.

Original Fairy Tales Part 2

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 10, 2014

Last time I did Aladdin, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, The Elves and the Shoemaker, The Gingerbread Man, The Frog Prince, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Hansel and Gretel, and Jack and the Beanstalk. Of course, these aren’t the only fairy tales we all know since I’m going to go over a few more in this one. Let’s just say that while fairy tales are said to contain fantastical elements or happy endings, sometimes neither is the case. And sometimes there’s a lot of violence thrown in as well. So now on with more fairy tales and their original versions I should talk about accordingly.

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood at her grandmother’s. “Grandmother” looks inexplicably hairy with big teeth.

How You Know It: Red hooded girl goes out into the woods with a basket of goodies to give to her sick grandmother. On her way, she is stopped by a wolf who asks her where she’s going. Too innocent to know better, she just tells him flat out. The wolf later takes a shortcut to the grandmother’s house, either swallows her or holds the grandmother hostage, and sits in her bed wearing her bedclothes. When Little Red arrives, she remarks on how unusual her “grandmother” looks until she says “Grandma, what big teeth you have!” In which the wolf replies, “All the better to eat you with my dear!” Wolf springs out while Little Red is either eaten or escapes. Yet, soon Little Red and her grandmother are rescued by a passing huntsman (or lumberjack) who kills the wolf, and they all live happily ever after.

The Original Version: The original Little Red Riding Hood first appeared in print as a story by 17th century French writer Charles Perrault (yet this tale may have been as old as the 10th century). And in that version, the story ends with the girl’s death followed by a moral such as, “Children, especially attractive, well-bred young ladies, should never talk to strangers, for if they should do so, they may well provide dinner for a wolf.” This might mean that, “any stranger could be a pedophile, serial killer, and/or rapist.” There’s no woodsman who saves her at the last minute, there’s no grandmother, and the wolf lives, end of story. Also, in Perrault’s story, she didn’t have a red hood but a red cape, which was his artistic touch for original folk tale didn’t even describe what color Little Red’s cloak was (and the Grimm Brothers added the hood part though their version has a happier ending as well as a sequel in which Little Red and her grandmother kill another wolf themselves). Still, some of the early versions play this fairy tale as one of seduction with the wolf not just wanting to eat Little Red and in some earlier variants. And in early versions with a happy ending, the wolf is punished horribly such as the huntsman either cutting him open or filling his stomach full of stones. Oh, and in some of these, Little Red gets away from the wolf with no outside help from anyone.

The Pied Piper of Hamelin

Pied Piper luring the kids out of the town with his music because he didn’t get paid.

How You Know It: Town hires broke musician to clear local rat infestation with his unconventional methods in exchange to pay him back. Rat catching musician lures rats away with his musical chops but the townspeople reneged on their promise and refuse to pay him. In revenge, the Pied Piper uses his music on the local kids who follow him out of the town and who knows where and are never seen again.

The Original Version: This is a very old tale which may have roots from a true story of how Hamelin lost its children but in the original the kiddos are all drowned in the river. The earliest record from the town chronicles is in the entry from 1384 which says “It is 100 years since our children left.” Some historians believe that the plague killed all the kids while others speculate that they were forced to move due to overpopulation. There are even some who say that this story was an allegory to the disastrous Children’s Crusade (though this may not have consisted just kids but also displaced homeless people) and that the Pied Piper was Nicholas of Colonge. There are plenty of other theories out there as well.

Puss in Boots

Puss meets the ogre.

How You Know It: Miller dies and his youngest son finds himself stuck with the old man’s anthropomorphic cat. Cat promises to make the guy rich if he buys him some boots. Once he has them, Puss makes several visits to the local king claiming to be a servant to the Marquis of Carabas, each time bringing gifts he caught himself. He soon has his owner play up the ruse by having him skinny dip in a river with Puss claiming that someone stole his clothes in front of the king and his daughter. Puss then has the country folk brought into his scheme by having the king tell the king that the lands belong to the Marquis of Carabas or else face certain death. He later goes to the castle in which he flatters and taunts the resident ogre into proving his powers by transforming into a mouse, whereupon Puss promptly kills and eats him. When the king arrives, he is impressed with the bogus marquis and his estate and gives him his daughter in marriage and everyone lives happily ever after.

The Original Version: The most familiar version of this story was “The Master Cat, or The Cat in Boots” by 17th century French writer Charles Perrault but the cat in the story wasn’t named Puss in Boots, it was just a fan nickname. However, this tale of the trickster cat is way older than what many people expect. The earliest version is actually by a Hindu priest from Kashmir whose 5th century compilation the Panchatantra has a tale following a cat similar to Puss but he fares much less well than Perrault’s version as he attempts to make his fortune in the king’s palace.

Miller son changes into clothes and meets princess.

In 1553, the Venetian writer Giovanni Francesco Straparola had a tale “Costantino Fortunato” which also falls on similar lines of Puss in Boots except that it takes place in Bohemia, the young man is the son of a local woman, the cat is a fairy in disguise, and the castle belongs to a lord who conveniently perishes in an accident. The young man eventually becomes Bohemia’s king. Yet, we’re not sure whether this one had origins in oral tradition or Straparola just made it up.

Then there’s a similar Puss in Boots tale published in 1634 by Neapolitan Giambattista Basile, yet the young man is actually a beggar whose fortunes are achieved in the same manner as Perrault’s. Yet, the tale ends with the former beggar boy promising the cat a gold coffin at his death as an expression of his gratitude. Three days later, the cat plays dead to test his master and is absolutely mortified to hear his master tell his wife to take the dead cat by its paws and throw it out the window. The cat leaps up frantic to know whether this was a better reward for helping his owner to a better life and runs away, leaving the ungrateful bastard to fend for himself. It’s almost certain that Charles Perrault wasn’t aware of these previous versions.

Rapunzel

Witch about to get Rapunzel a haircut after discovering what she was doing with the prince.

How You Know It: Witch kidnaps abnormally long haired girl and shuts her up in a tower due to her dad stealing some of her garden plant to satisfy her mom’s pregnancy cravings. The only way to have access to the tower was to say “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.” A smitten prince gets wind of this, climbs up to rescue her and the two live happily ever after.

The Original Version: The best known version is by the Brothers Grimm (though probably based on a story called “Petronsinella” by Italian Giambattista Basile though it contains more bawdy language and Mamoidselle La Force’s Persinette which has a fairy instead of a witch) yet this is quite different in which prince doesn’t rescue Rapunzel the first time he’s up there (yet he visits several times) but while they do make plans to elope, they also engage in less family-friendly activities as revealed later when Rapunzel complains to the witch about how tight her dress was getting around the middle (though the Grimms would change this). This would cause the witch to cut off the girl’s hair to lure the prince in and banished her to the desert where she lives as a beggar with no home, no money, and two little mouths to feed after a few months. When the prince came, the witch pushed him off the tower into a bed of thorns which left him blind. They wandered in the desert for some time (during which Rapunzel bore twin boys) before running into each other. Rapunzel would embrace him weeping in which her tears restored the prince’s sight and they all lived happily ever after.

Rapunzel letting her hair down for the prince.

It is said that the tale has some elements to the story of Saint Barbara such as having the girl locked in a tower, though Barbara’s ordeal was more or less honor-related abuse for defying her dad and it didn’t end well for her. Then there’s the 10th century Persian tale Rudaba which also has the “let down your hair” motif. Still, there are many older forms such as the Italian tale “Snow White Fire-Red” in which the prince is cursed by an ogress for breaking her pitcher in which the only girl he could marry was Snow White Fire-Red (the “daughter” of another ogress who like Rapunzel also has extremely long hair and lives in a tower but we’re not sure how she got there). Oh, and she’s a magic girl who enchants furniture as well as other tricks. The story ends when the other ogress curses her to make the prince forget her but she later helps break that one, too. Older forms of Rapunzel have similar variants like this one.

Rumpelstiltskin

Weird little helper ask for payback but relents if queen could say his name.

How You Know It: Miller boats about his daughter’s exaggerated domestic skills with the talent she could spin straw into gold in an effort to feel important. King catches wind of this and the girl finds herself locked in room and charged with the aforesaid impossible task with nothing but a spinning wheel and a royal death threat (yet, the king later says he’d marry the girl after he completes her task). Well, almost impossible when a weird little man suddenly shows up and offers to do the deed in exchange for a few favors such as her necklace, ring, and firstborn child. Once the girl marries the king and has a child, the weirdo shows up and tells her to pay up. Yet, the queen is rather unwilling to fulfill her end of the bargain for obvious reasons so the guy says that she could keep the kid if she can guess his name within the next three days. Frantic, the queen and her servants try to think up but finally a messenger does happen to catch the weird guy boasting about his name. The Queen guesses Rumpelstiltskin correctly and the little man’s plan is foiled.

The Original Version: Rumpelstitskin’s fate in the original story has him flying off the window on a spoon while the Grimms have him either simply leaving in a huff or tearing himself in two after stamping in a fit of rage. Still, this story has a lot of cultural variants. There’s also another Grimm tale called “The Three Aunts” which is about a girl in the same situation but instead of her firstborn child, the women just ask to attend her wedding as her aunts as well as ensure her that she won’t need their help again. Yet, the king did learn his lesson in that one once he saw what years of spinning did to these women.

Sleeping Beauty

Princess is fast asleep in magical coma.

How You Know It: A girl is born to a king and queen and all the fairies are invited to celebrate. Well, save one who shows up anyway and curses her to death by spindle touching while another just succeeds in softening the curse to sleep. However, despite the king and queen’s efforts to rid the kingdom, the princess ends up in a cursed sleep anyway (though sometimes the whole kingdom is put to sleep as well for a century). Soon the prince shows up, plants a kiss that brings her back to life and they live happily ever after.

The Original Version: While the best known version of this tale is the Grimm’s version which was probably the main inspiration for the Disney movie (sans the 13 fairies, magic frog, and a lot of dead suitors in the forest surrounding the castle), there are plenty of earlier variants. The earliest printed version was compiled by 17th century Neapolitan author Giambattista Basile whose retelling called “Sun, Moon, and Talia” would make Walt Disney look like a feminist. In this one, the princess falls in a magic coma not by pricking a spindle but touching a thread of hemp under her fingernail. Thinking her dead, her dad props her on a velvet chair and abandons her. Sometime later another king comes across that very castle while hunting and tries to check the place out. There he finds the sleeping princess, falls in love with her, carries her to the bed, rapes her, and leaves forgetting the whole affair. The princess wakes up when one of her infant twins sucks the splinter out of her finger (yes, she had twins while in her unconscious state.) Soon the king returns to see her again finds her awake and proceeds to confess that he was the kids’ father. Despite her not knowing anything about him other than as her rapist baby daddy, the two go on a weekend sex marathon in the hay, and the princess and twins move into the king’s castle but they are kept secret from his wife. The Queen soon finds out and orders the kids cooked and served to her husband but the cook hides the tots at his or her home and prepared a goat dish in its place. The Queen later sent for the princess just to have her thrown in the fire for having sex with her husband. Luckily, the king arrives, has his wife thrown in the fire, marries the princess, finds their kids and they all live happily ever after.

Prince finds Sleeping Beauty.

In the 17th century French writer Charles Perrault’s version of this tale has an epilogue in which the already married princess (who’s also a mother of two) has to deal with her jealous part ogre mother-in-law. She demands to have the wife and kids cooked and eaten but the cook hides them and serves animals instead. The queen proceeds to prepare a big pot of nasty venomous creatures to kill them but the prince arrives just in time, the queen falls into the pot and everyone lives happily ever after. In the Grimm version, this was a separate story called “The Mother-In-Law” in which the queen is just put to death. Also, in the Perrault version, the king and queen simply abandon the princess as soon as the fairy is done putting everyone else to sleep for 100 years and the princess doesn’t age a bit. Oh, and she wakes up when the prince merely enters her chamber when the 100 years are up averting the whole sexual assault thing.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Please don’t eat that apple.

How You Know It: A queen wishes for a child with rose red lips, snow white skin, and ebony black hair. She gets her wish but promptly dies soon after Snow White’s birth and is replaced by a beauty obsessed wicked stepmother. She’s so obsessed with her own looks that she asks the mirror every day, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” Of course, the mirror always says she is until one day it says that Snow White is which sends the queen into plotting her assassination. She orders a huntsman to do the deed and cut out her heart as a royal trophy. The huntsman is unable to do this so he lets Snow White go (and brings a pig’s heart to the queen instead). After some time in the woods Snow White falls with a bunch of dwarfs who let her stay as long as she does the housework. But the queen is undeterred so she disguises herself as a peddler and tries to kill her via poison apple. Snow White eats it and drops to the floor. When the dwarfs find her, they assume she’s dead and put her in a glass coffin where they keep watch. Soon a prince arrives and revives her with a kiss and they live happily ever after.

The Original Version: The Grimm version is the most familiar to us, yet the queen tries to kill Snow White in more ways than in the Disney movie. In the Grimm version, the queen asks the huntsman to bring Snow White’s heart to her so she could eat it yet the guy gives her pig parts instead. And when disguised as a peddler, she not only tries poison apple as an assassination method, but also tight corset lacing and poison comb. Snow White falls unconscious from these but the dwarves manage to revive her. The poison apple was just the only method that seemed to stick. Oh, and the wicked queen dies at her stepdaughter’s wedding where she is forced to dance to death in red hot shoes. Not only that, but the Grimm retelling was the first version of the tale to have the wicked queen as Snow White’s stepmother. In earlier versions, she’s her biological mother and took her daughter to pick flowers in the woods and abandons her.

Snow White doing housework for the seven dwarfs.

As for Snow White, during most of the story’s action she is about seven years old and the prince doesn’t kiss her back to life. Rather he takes her home (despite thinking her dead) but on the way, the coffin is jolted and Snow White is revived after the bits of poison apple are dislodged from her throat. Also, when she stumbles at the dwarves’ home, her first idea doesn’t pertain to clean up after them. Rather, she eats their food, drinks their wine, and sleeps in their beds. When the dwarves come home, their place is a mess. There are also other cultural variants of Snow White as well including an Albanian one where she kills her stepmother and lives with 40 dragons.

Three Billy Goats Gruff

Looks like the troll messed with the wrong goat this time.

How You Know It: Three Billy goat brothers attempt to cross a bridge for greener pastures but has a bad tempered troll living under it. The youngest two go first but they shiver in the troll’s presence and only get off by saying that their brother would make a better dish than them. When the oldest brother ventures, he trounces the troll and throws him off the bridge so he and his brothers could cross it and eat the grass from the other side.

The Original Version: This is derived from a Norwegian folk tale compiled by Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jorgen Moe.

The Three Little Pigs

Third little pig working on his brick house while his brothers have a good time. Boy will they pay for it later.

How You Know It: Three pigs move out of their mom’s house to find their fortune and all build places of their own. Soon the Big Bad Wolf comes on the scene with intentions to eat them and due to the first two pigs’ poor choice of building materials, their houses are burned down. Yet, when he gets to the third pig’s brick house, he tries to blow it down but couldn’t so he tries to get access through the chimney but the third pig thwarts him.

The Original Version: This story was written in the 1840s and unlike most adaptations, the wolf actually eats the first two little pigs. Also, the Big Bad Wolf is cooked to death in a pot of boiling water, thanks to the third pig.

The Fisherman and His Wife

Fisherman about to ask a favor from a fish on behalf of his wife. Notice the castle in the background.

How You Know It: Poor fisherman captures a magic fish and lets it go. When he tells his wife, she suggested asking the fish for a wish such as a nice house. The wife becomes ever more greedy and wishes for more and more things until the ticked off fish eventually reduces them to the same life the fisherman and his wife had before.

The Original Version: While most adaptations use his tale about how money can’t buy happiness and such, the original tale Grimm version has the fish grant the fisherman’s wife such wishes to be queen, empress, and even pope. Yet, the fish has enough when she asks to be equal to God and thus revokes everything granted.

The Little Mermaid

Sorry, Mermaid, but this isn’t Disney. Your prince ain’t going for you this time.

How You Know It: Mermaid falls in love with a human prince she rescued and exchanges her voice for plastic surgery from the sea witch. She and the prince get together and after some rough patches end up happily ever after.

The Original Version: Unfortunately, the Hans Christen Andersen version isn’t as happy as the Disney movie. For one, the mermaid doesn’t just exchange her voice for legs (by having her tongue cut out), but she also finds it painful to walk. If she could make the prince fall in love and marry her, she could be a full fledge human all her life. Yet, if the prince marries someone else, she would die. Also, the sea witch is a rather neutral character in this and her motives are simply payment. Though the prince may be charmed by the mermaid and takes her in, he ends up with someone else. While her sisters give the mermaid a knife to kill the prince, she can’t bring herself to do so and dies dissolving in froth.

The Girl Without Hands

Looks like dismemberment is the only way you can please the devil this time.

How You Know It: Devil offers poor man wealth if he gives him whatever is standing behind his mill. Poor man thinks it’s an apple tree, but it’s actually his daughter. Devil tries to take girl but can’t because she’s so pure so he threatens to take her dad unless she allows him to chop off her own hands. She agrees and father does so. Oh, and there’s a bit about receiving silver replacements, marrying a king, and giving birth to an alleged changeling caused by a miscommunication, as well as regaining the hands she lost after the king found her seven years later.

The Original Version: In earlier variants the young girl chops off her arms to make herself ugly to her brother who’s trying to rape her. In another, the dad chops off the daughter’s hands because she refuses to have sex with him.

Original Fairy Tales Part 1

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 10, 2014

Once upon a time, there were stories known as fairy tales with roots in the folk tradition as well as told to generations. They were usually told in a more spare and laconic style with characters defined by their actions and their motives described as short and simple. Almost every culture around the world has them and have widespread variants yet only a handful are known today. Still, while the notion of “fairy tale” means an idealized romance or ending, many of the classic tales we’re told as a child are much darker than what many people realize and wouldn’t be seen as Disney material. Yet, without further adieu, here I will discuss some of the older versions of the stories you all know and love (though this will take a series).

Aladdin

Aladdin and the Genie of the Ring.

How you know it: Middle Eastern orphaned homeless bum with a heart of gold but dreaming of riches is manipulated by an evil Grand Vizier into retrieving a magical lamp in a cave. With the Genie’s help and three wishes, he defeats the evil vizier, wins the heart of a princess, and finds relative security.

The Original Version: Contrary to the Disney movie and other popular adaptations, Aladdin and most of the characters in the original story was supposed to be Chinese. Yet, this can be forgiven since the story’s setting is completely Islamic anyway and doesn’t seem to bear any resemblance to China. Still, this tale wasn’t included in The One Thousand and One Nights or in any other documented source until the 1710 French translation by Antoine Gallard who claimed to have heard it from a Syrian storyteller but many speculate that he made the whole story up since there’s no hard evidence on that claim either (same goes for Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves).

Aladdin and the Genie of the Ring in the cave.

Not only that, but by the time the story takes place, Aladdin’s mother is still alive while his dad died of disappointment when Aladdin preferred being a juvenile delinquent to following his old man in the tailoring business. Nor is he homeless since he still lives with his mom as well who is the first to rub the magical lamp that releases the lamp Genie. Not to mention, he could ask the lamp Genie for an unlimited number of wishes and gets the Sultan’s blessing to marry the princess once he sees the extent of Aladdin’s bank account, granted by the Genie. He also marries the princess early on though he has the Genie kidnap her from her fiancé as well as torment them both every night until they conclude their marriage is cursed and split up where Aladdin then swoops in and romances her. How romantic! Not to mention, he has his own palace before the lamp is stolen. Oh, and Aladdin not just has a magic lamp but also a magic ring he uses to release another Genie who gets him out of the cave as well as transport him to his palace, free his wife, beat the bad guys, and gets his lamp back. Yeah, there are two genies in the original story but the Ring Genie is the main one while the lamp Genie is far more powerful. Oh, and the Magic Ring and Magic Lamp also helped inspire the Green Lantern.

Aladdin and Ring Genie save the day.

As for the Grand Vizier in the original story, he’s more of an obstructive jerk politician than a devious villain but like the Disney version he does want to get rid of Aladdin yet more because he wants his own son to marry the princess (not himself and he’s justified as well). And he tries to do so by stating that Aladdin’s riches and the incredible things he could do must’ve been the result of black magic. The sultan just writes him off for being a sour puss over his own son being passed for Aladdin. Oh, and the Grand Vizier isn’t even the main villain of the original story nor does he steal Aladdin’s lamp. That honor belongs to the evil Moroccan sorcerer named Maghreb who manipulates Aladdin into entering the cave to retrieve the lamp (though we don’t know why he was the only one to enter it. Oh, and he tricks him by saying that he’s his long lost uncle on his dad’s side). He also steals the lamp by simply tricking Aladdin’s wife in to trading the old lamp for a new one and she didn’t know that her husband’s lamp contained a very powerful Genie. He then proceeds to wish for Aladdin’s palace and wife to be moved into his possession. Oh, he has a more evil brother who kills an old woman and dresses in in her clothes but he’s vanquished from the Lamp Genie. Not only that, but Aladdin had to drug the evil sorcerer to get his lamp back.

Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves

Morgiana uses boiling oil on in the jugs hiding the thieves. Poor thieves.

How You Know It: Wood cutter stumbles onto a cave containing a thieving gang’s treasure stash that is opened by saying the magic words “Open Sesame.” He takes some treasure and becomes rich. Later his brother hears about it, makes his way in the cave but is murdered by the robbers due to his greed and short term memory problems. Ali Baba finds his dead brother, retrieves his body, and the thieves go after Ali Baba, too. Yet, they are repeatedly foiled by him and his friends while all the thieves are defeated. Thus, Ali Baba and his associates live happily ever after.

The Original Version: Like Aladdin, this wasn’t included in the original One Thousand and One Nights and in any other documentation before Antoine Gallard’s 1710 translation, and it’s likely he made this one up, too. Oh, and you had to use “Shut Sesame” to close the cave before you left as well. Also, in the beginning of the story, Ali Baba is an older man with at least adult son and he’s only the main character until after he retrieves his brother’s dead body which was cut up into quarters and hung up at the cave entrance to warn others. The hero in the later part of the story is actually his young slave girl named Morgiana (who’s sometimes seen as his wife in some adaptations even if she wasn’t in the original) who stitches Ali’s brother back together for the funeral as well as thwarts the thieves who try to infiltrate Ali Baba’s house by filling up the large jugs containing the other thieves with hot boiling oil. Still, at least she gets rewarded in the end by marrying Ali Baba’s adult son (which earns her freedom in the process) while Ali ends up with his widowed sister-in-law.

Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and Beast. Notice the creative license on the beast.

How You Know It: An ordinary village girl ventures to a mysterious castle (owned by a menacing beast cursed with his form by ignoring an old beggar woman) where her dad is found trapped in after seeking shelter from a winter storm. Girl agrees to be the Beast’s hostage in her dad’s place. While there she finds the Beast develops a romantic attachment to the girl and doesn’t seem so bad as she grows fond of him. One day she asks the Beast to go home to see her sick dad, and he reluctantly agrees but is hampered by people who want to keep her and the Beast apart. Meanwhile the Beast almost loses the will to live before the girl comes back and says she loves him which breaks the spell and turns him into a handsome prince.

The Original Version: There are actually two literary versions of the tale I’ll get into from the 18th century with both of them written by French women as propaganda piece for girls to accept arranged marriages. Of course, since this tale has outlived the practice, its meanings are far more romanticized in later adaptations. The 1740 version was by Gabrielle-Suzanne de Villeneuve and this story is a sprawling and convoluted story filled with contrived coincidences and last minute exposition in which both Beauty and Beast were revealed to be double first cousins, half-fairy (on their mother’s side), and royalty (on their father’s side). It also includes a love triangle in which Beauty is conflicted between the Beast and the handsome prince before finding out that they’re the same person. Also, she has twelve siblings.

Beast as bear proposing the Beauty by going down on one knee.

The second version was written in 1756 by Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont which is moderately close to the Disney version. Yet, there are differences in this version. For one, the heroine was literally named Beauty instead of Belle but since the story takes place in France, this wasn’t much of a change. Still, in Beaumont’s version, her dad is a rich merchant falling on hard times who was on his way home after a trading scheme gone wrong. She also has two materialistic scheming sisters who are the main villains instead of a jealous suitor. Oh, and the two sisters try to keep Beauty home longer than a week after she comes back from the castle simply out of jealousy of her good looks and how well she bears under her various misfortunes as well as conspire to try to get her eaten alive. Yet, they get punished by being turned into stone statues. Not to mention, Beauty volunteers to stay at the Beast’s castle after her dad returns home.

As for the Beast, while unlike in the Disney version, he’s actually nice to Beauty from the very beginning in the Beaumont version, despite threatening to kill her dad. And his house isn’t a bad place either, which includes a garden and everything. Oh, and he keeps asking Beauty to marry him even though she keeps saying no like every night. Yet, she does agree to do so when she realized that the Beast is a kind and caring man which breaks the spell.

Cinderella

Fairy Godmother making pumpkin into coach.

How You Know It: Young noblewoman’s mother dies and father remarries a total bitch with at least two equally bitchy daughters of her own, then disappears (either he dies or is an absent parent to his daughter). The girl’s new stepfamily turns out to be vindictively cruel and makes her work as a servant just for kicks earning her nickname “Cinderella.” When the local prince holds a kingdom wide ball, the they refuse to let her attend. Yet, Cinderella calls on a spirit helper which could be her fairy godmother or a representative of her dead mom who takes pity and prepares her for the ball in which she manages to outshine almost every girl there and win the prince’s heart. However, the spirit’s help comes with a cache is that Cinderella must return by midnight yet when the time comes she rushes off and leaves her slipper at the castle. The prince tracks her down the next day through the lost slipper and once reunited they marry and live happily ever after.

The Original Version: This is a very old story with a lot of renditions, including a traditional Irish version with a guy with big feet named Cinderellis who steals a giant’s shoes. Of course, the most familiar version of Cinderella complete with glass slippers, fairy godmothers, pumpkin coaches, and such was written by a 17th century French guy named Charles Perrault (yet his story has two balls and a less bitchy stepsister while most modern versions have one and the stepsisters have no characterization). The earliest version from Ancient Greece written before the birth of Christ in which Cinderella is a Greek girl named Rhodopis kidnapped and sold into slavery in Egypt and is subject to constant harassment by her co-workers because of her lighter skin tone, sings and dances with her animal friends, has her old master give her red golden slippers, and manages to win the Pharaoh’s heart by having the god Horus steal one of them and drop on the king’s lap. And yes, though Rhodopis doesn’t attend the celebration the Pharaoh makes a decree that all maidens have to try on the slipper and the one whose foot fits would be his Queen. When he arrives at Rhodopis’ place she shows him the other slipper and they live happily ever after. Think of it as Cinderella meets Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat but much less realistic (I mean there’s no way in hell a Greek slave girl could become Queen of Egypt, more like a Pharaoh’s concubine at best). Yet, this version may have very well been based on a true story by Aesop of a Thracian courtesan from the 6th century BCE.

Cinderella rushing to leave around midnight.

There’s even a Chinese version from the 9th century in which Cinderella is named Ye Xian and is the daughter of a bigamous scholar so this means her stepmother’s daughter is her half-sister. Of course, her parents die from plague but her mother is reincarnated into a fish to watch over her little girl in a nearby lake (you could tell that some Buddhist wrote this one). When her stepmother learns of this, she has the fish captured and served to herself and daughter. Ye Xian collects the leftover bones and is told by the spirit to place them on the foot of her bed and her desires would be granted if she requests them of the bones. At the beginning of the Spring Festival, Ye Xian’s stepmother tells her to stay and clean as a spirit tells her to where to find clothes to wear to the event. She enjoys herself at the festival until she rushes home to avoid her stepmother’s detection yet, she leaves a golden slipper behind (notice that the slippers aren’t always glass). The slipper is discovered by a king who resolves to trace the owner’s identity and when he does, he takes Ye Xian as his wife to her joy while the vindictive stepmother and half-sister are crushed to death by an earthquake.

The glass slipper fits.

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on the original Cinderella without talking about the famous Grimm Brothers’ version, which contrary to popular belief isn’t the oldest version (since I said this story has been around before Jesus). It’s actually very much the same as most versions except that there are three balls, she is helped by a tree at her mom’s grave and a couple of doves, and what happens after Cinderella leaves her slipper behind. Let’s just say when the prince comes to her house, the stepsisters try to fit in the slipper by mutilating their feet hoping to fool him. Oh, and once Cinderella is whisked away by her prince, the stepsisters have their eyes plucked out by birds and are forced to live their lives as beggars. Of course, there are even some versions in which Cinderella kills her stepmother, one of them so her dad could marry a servant instead. Oh, and the said servant had a lot of kids, to boot.

The Elves and the Shoemaker

Watching the elves tinker with their overnight shift.

How You Know It: A poor struggling cobbler wakes up to find shoes he planned to create the next morning already made which leads better sales. One day he discovers a few elves carrying on in his workshop and decides to do something to thank them. Prosperity follows.

The Original Version: Unlike many adaptations, there were only two elves in the Grimm version and to show his gratitude, the cobbler decides to make clothes for them. The elves don’t come again but they ushered a new era of business for him. Still, the process of giving clothes to free house-elves in Harry Potter, comes from this tale. Oh, and the cobbler discovered the elves working in his shop on Christmas, which is another reference elves making stuff around the holiday.

The Frog Prince

Frog fetches golden ball for princess.

How You Know It: Princess loses golden ball down a well and a nearby frog offers to retrieve it for her in exchange for a kiss. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

The Original Version: In the Pre-Grimm Brothers’ version there was more than one girl who encountered the frog but it was only the last one who kept her promise to marry him. In the Grimm version, there is just one. Still, the Grimm version doesn’t have the frog ask the princess to kiss him. Rather, he demanded that she kept him near her as a pet, share her food and drink with him as well as sleep on her bed (cue the sexual overtones here). She is repulsed but reluctantly agrees though she goes home without him after she gets her ball back. The frog turns up at the castle and has the king take his side. At first, it’s no problem but come nighttime, the princess refused to let the frog sleep on her pillow and angrily threw him against the wall (once again, cue the sexual symbolism, though in some early versions he’s either burnt or decapitated). To her shock, she finds the frog transformed into a handsome prince, they fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after. Oh, and during this whole time the frog prince’s servant Henry had his heart bound with iron straps to keep it from breaking while he was enchanted, which break in the end.

The Gingerbread Man

Fox eats the Gingerbread Man.

How You Know It: A magical anthropomorphic gingerbread man comes to life out of the oven and runs away from the old couple who baked him. They chase him and fail to catch him and the Gingerbread Man outruns several farm workers and animals taunting them with the phrase “Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me! I’m the Gingerbread Man!” Ends when the fox tricks the Gingerbread Man and eats him.

The Original Version: Actually not an old fairy tale but first appeared in an 1875 issue of St. Nicholas magazine. Yet, this was called The Gingerbread Boy. Still, despite the ending, the Gingerbread Man continues to make appearances in the Shrek movies.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Somebody’s been sleeping and my bed and there she is.

How You Know It: A young blonde juvenile delinquent breaks into the residence of three anthropomorphic bears who were away but forgot to lock the door. Goldilocks proceeds to eat their food, sit on their furniture (destroying a chair in the process), and sleep in their beds. The bears return, see evidence of the break in, and chase Goldilocks out of Baby Bear’s bed when they find her.

The Original Version: This tale has evolved over the years. The original tale of the Three Bears, the bear family lived in a castle and the intruder was a vixen (like a female fox) named Scrapefoot. 19th Century English writer Robert Southey was the first person to publish the tale that he heard as a child yet he accidently thought that the intruder was the wrong kind of vixen who, in turn got changed into a lawless old woman who after not being invited around the bears’ place, decides to go see for herself. She falls out the window and is never seen again but it’s hinted that her fate isn’t good. Oh, and Southey’s three bears are actually all adult males sharing a house in the woods together named, “a Little, Small, Wee Bear, a Middle-sized Bear, and a Great, Huge Bear.” Goldilocks as we know her turned up twelve years later in Joseph Cundalls version just to stop the confusion with other old ladies in other fairy tales but she was called Silverhair for a long time. Also, she wasn’t the only little girl in the tale. Not to mention, the bears were changed into a family in Cundall’s tale since who knows what three bachelor bears living together would be up to.

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel eating the witch’s candy gingerbread house. Of course, the witch doesn’t mind but for different reasons.

How You Know It: Two kids are kicked out by their dad and stepmother and are forced to survive in the woods by themselves making a trail of breadcrumbs so they could come back (but the birds eat them). One day, they stumble onto a gingerbread house in the woods owned by a witch who is initially nice to them but they later find out that she wants to eat them and Hansel finds out he’d be dinner the next morning while Gretel is a servant. The witch asks Gretel to light the oven, she pretends she can’t. Yet, when the witch bends over, Gretel kicks her in the oven, rescues Hansel, and the two live happily ever after.

The Original Version: This tale may have originated during the Middle Ages at the time of the Great Famine of 1315-1317, when people were driven to desperate measures. Kids were abandoned to fend for themselves and there were many incidences of cannibalism. In the original Grimm version from 1812, the woman who drives Hansel and Gretel out was their biological mother and the father also shared the blame for abandoning the kids. There’s an earlier French version called “The Lost Children” where the main villain is the devil and his wife. Now the devil is tricked by the children in much the same way as Hansel and Gretel but the devil works it out and makes a sawhorse to put one of the kids on to bleed. The children feign ignorance on how to get on so the devil’s wife demonstrates (and she tried to help them earlier). When she is lying down helpless, the kids slash her throat, steal the devil’s money, and run off.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack chopping down the beanstalk and sending the giant to his death. Hope his house and mother don’t get smashed.

How You Know It: Poor guy sells the family cow for some magic beans to his mom’s dismay so she throws them out the window. Overnight the beans grow into a massive beanstalk that reaches up to the clouds. Jack climbs the beanstalk and finds a massive castle owned by a giant once he reaches the top that says, ”Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he live or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” Jack makes a few trips the next few days and with the help of the giant’s wife, manages to bag the giant’s gold, the goose that lays the golden eggs, and the magic golden harp. Soon the giant chases him down the beanstalk yet Jack manages to reach the bottom first, grabs the ax, and kills the giant.

The Original Version: The oldest commonly known version was collected by Joseph Jacobs around the turn of the 19th to 20th century. Yet, this story seems to be an amalgamation of many giant killing stories such as “Jack the Giant Killer” (which has roots in Arthurian legend but different and more violent plot) and “The Brave Little Tailor.” It also bears striking similarities the Norse myth called “The Thief of Idunn” which a trickster travels to a giant’s lofty castle and steals a few magic treasures, only to be found out and chased back home, where the giant meets his doom.

Fictional Third Wheels and Why They’re Better Off That Way

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 30, 2013

A third wheel is someone in the love triangle who doesn’t end up with the girl or guy since the object of their affections will usually pass over them for someone else. Still, in many ways fans tend to root for the third wheel usually for he or she may be the underdog or the one who’s more of a long shot. However, many times it’s better that they stay third wheels since many would probably not make compatible or viable partners to the object of their affections or have some issues preventing happiness anyway. Here are some examples and my explanation why they’re probably better off without their beloved or why their beloved is better off without them.

1. Eponine Thenardier

From: Les Miserables

Beloved: Marius Pontmercy

Why she didn’t get the guy: Marius never considered Eponine as a love interest as well as no more than a friend or someone he felt sorry for. Not to mention, he falls in love with Cosette and ends up with her.

Why we root for her: Eponine is from a much poorer family and in many ways has to rely on herself. Also, she’s very loyal to Marius and is willing to do anything to make him happy (at least in the musical) even if it means him not returning her feelings. Also, she risks her life for him. Cosette on the other hand, may have been the kind of girl we’d feel sorry for but as an adult living with Jean Valjean, many fans don’t find her that interesting.

Why they’re better off apart: In many respects, Marius and Eponine are much better off without each other because it wouldn’t work out if they got together. For one, Eponine’s parents are the Thenardiers (yes, the innkeeper and his wife who mistreated Cosette before Jean Valjean came along). And it’s pretty apparent that the Thenardiers wouldn’t make the best in-laws and are certainly not people you’re willing to trust. Also, they’re willing to steal from just about anybody. Not to mention, Eponine steals from people as well but she has her standards. Then there’s the notion that if Eponine did end up with Marius, she wouldn’t find her life very happy with him. Sure she may have a roof over her head and fancy clothes to wear, but she wouldn’t be fully accepted in neither Marius’ world nor in his family. It’s also not helped by the fact that Marius’ mother also married a guy outside her background who her family didn’t like. Though she loved the guy, she died when Marius was little which resulted in a custody battle between his wealthy noble maternal grandfather and his dad. And the maternal grandfather won as well as made sure that the elder Pontmercy would never see his son again and that Marius would never know of his dad’s existence. Of course, Marius does find out about his dad when his old man dies and ends up becoming a revolutionary because of his daddy issues. If Eponine and Marius had kids and Marius died when the children were still young, there’s no doubt Marius’ family would do the same thing to her as they did to his dad. As for Cosette, despite her childhood, she seems pretty well adjusted as well as has a great dad in Jean Valjean who saved Marius’ ass. Besides, Cosette is fairly pretty and well off enough that Marius’ family accepts her. Trust me, Marius and Eponine are better off as friends.

2. Sidney Carton

From: A Tale of Two Cities

Beloved: Lucie Manette Darnay

Why he didn’t get the girl: Lucie Manette already had a boyfriend when the two of them met who was his client Charles Darnay who she later married. Not to mention, she only sees Sidney as a friend.

Why we root for him: For one, he really loves Lucie even though he’s perfectly content to be in the friendzone as well as hang out with her family once in awhile. His love for her also makes him a far happier guy who’s willing to do anything for her to make her happy such as taking her husband’s place at the guillotine. Also, he let Lucie know he loved her unconditionally.

Why they’re better off apart: For one, Sidney probably is an alcoholic and isn’t a very ambitious attorney compared to his partner Stryver. Also, he’s not that fun to be around with and can get fairly depressed. Not to mention, even Sidney can admit that Charles Darnay is a better choice since like Lucie he’s French as well as willing to hold a steady job and fairly well-adjusted (though he has issues with his family).

3. Heathcliff

From: Wuthering Heights

Beloved: Catherine Earnshaw Linton

Why he didn’t get the girl: Catherine wanted to leave Wuthering Heights for a wealthier lifestyle so she dumped him for Edgar Linton while Heathcliff was away.

Why we root for him: For one, he’s handsome, dark, and mysterious. Second, he always loved Catherine since they were kids for she was very sweet to him. Third, we also feel bad for how Catherine’s brother treated him on account of his background as well as everyone else.

Why they’re better off apart: Despite his status as a romantic hero, Heathcliff is a complete bastard, especially to those who hurt him in any way, and that includes Catherine. Sure he was treated like shit for being “different” but that doesn’t excuse him for what he does when he gets back from his adventures. Not to mention, forgiveness isn’t one of his virtues and he doesn’t care who gets hurt from his schemes. For one, to get back at Catherine for marrying Linton, he basically marries Linton’s sister Isabella out of complete spite and inevitably neglects her afterwards. Then he also mistreats Catherine’s alcoholic brother as well. Overall, he’s basically selfish, cruel, and controlling as well as has absolutely no remorse for his actions. Also, there’s a possibility him and Catherine might have had the same dad since we don’t know where Heathcliff came from or why he was brought to Wuthering Heights to begin with.

4. Severus Snape

From: The Harry Potter series

Beloved: Lily Evans Potter

Why he didn’t get the girl: Mostly because he had a falling out with Lily by calling her a “mudblood” during their Hogwarts days as well as hanging out with the future Death Eaters of Slytherin. Also, she ended up marrying James Potter, one of the kids who used to bully him at school.

Why we root for him: Well, we don’t actually root for Snape since Harry might not have been around if he and Lily got together and the fact there wouldn’t be s story either. However, we like him because he’s a very powerful wizard, has a great deal of charisma, and was willing to do everything he could to defeat the man who killed the woman he loved and protect her son. Not to mention, he’s said to be one of the best loved characters in the whole series. On the other hand, James was kind of a jerk as a teenager as well as died young.

Why they’re better off apart: For one, we don’t get to see Snape’s good side until he hears of Voldemort’s plan to kill Harry. Before that Snape was a Death Eater and even then, he was willing to let Voldemort kill Lily’s husband and son as long as he spared her. However, Lily was willing to die than see her own son killed. Still, if Voldemort went after someone else, Snape probably would’ve still stayed a Death Eater. Also, though Snape may be willing to protect Harry, he doesn’t like the kid for basically looking like his dad and treats him pretty terribly, too. Not to mention, Snape came from a broken home with a pure blood supremacist mother and a muggle father who constantly bickered at each other so he probably has no idea how to have a healthy relationship. Then there’s the notion of what he might have become like if he did end up with Lily, one can only wonder.

5. Jay Gatsby

From: The Great Gatsby

Beloved: Daisy Buchanan

Why he didn’t get the girl: Well, she probably wasn’t too into him to begin with and settled for major asshole Tom Buchanan when Gatsby left to fight in WWI.

Why we root for him: Because this guy was willing to work hard and rise to riches so he could have Daisy and he loves her a great deal. He also gives lavish parties and is a far nicer guy than Tom Buchanan.

Why they’re better off apart: Though we may agree that Daisy is better of dumping Tom for Gatsby, she’s also a real piece of shit in her own way. In Gatsby, he’s certainly would be better off without Daisy. For one, she leads Gatsby on for years and makes him think he has a chance to win her heart, even though she’s not going to leave Tom at least on a permanent basis. Also, Daisy’s pretty shallow as well as only receptive to displays of wealth, which Gatsby has. Also, she’s pretty much responsible for his misery and partially for getting him killed and doesn’t even show up at his funeral.

6. Erik, The Phantom

From: The Phantom of the Opera

Beloved: Christine Daae

Why he didn’t get the girl: Christine only viewed Erik as a mentor and never considered him as a love interest material since he was much older than her. Besides, she preferred guys her own age like Raoul, her fiancee and childhood friend.

Why we root for him: Because he’s more of an underdog since he’s ugly and lonely in his opera basement who can use a friend. However, he’s also brilliant, charming, dark, and mysterious. Also, has had a hard life and has good taste in the finer things. Not to mention, he wears half a mask.

Why they’re better off apart: If his physical attributes were the worst part about him, we wouldn’t hold it against him. However, he has an ugly personality to match. For one, he’s controlling, has a terrible temper, and doesn’t take rejection well at all. Second, he’s not above bullying the opera staff in order to get his way. Third, his relationship with Christine is kind of creepy since he’s obsessed with her to the point that he stalks her and later kidnaps her so he could have her all to himself. Then there’s the fact that he’s only seen on New Years Day Masquerade Ball which is also kind of creepy in itself. Sure he may be enchanting, but Erik is the kind of guy you’d sure as hell want to stay away from.

7. Rebecca

From: Ivanhoe

Beloved: Ivanhoe

Why she didn’t get the guy: Ivanhoe basically passes her over for a childhood friend in Rowena, though he does save her. However, he only sees her as a friend.

Why we root for her: For one, she’s Jewish and spends the entire time supporting and pining for Ivanhoe. Also, even Sir Walter Scott himself though Ivanhoe should’ve ended up with her. Besides, Rowena is kind of useless.

Why they’re better off apart: Well, she’s Jewish, she’s in England, and she’s living in the Middle Ages. Also, at that time intermarriage was unheard of (or so we thought.) Not to mention, if Rebecca and Ivanhoe did end up together, imagine what kind of crap the two of them would have to deal with from people who may not know any better (and, yes, Antisemitism was rampant in those days). Also, consider the fact that the story was written in the 1800s where interfaith marriages were kind of controversial and this story kind of makes the idea acceptable. Thus, for Ivanhoe, Rowena was the safer bet. Sorry, but Sir Walter Scott had to have it happen.

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The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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