A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Master of the House”

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In addition to being one of the most infamous literary villains in recent times, Count Olaf has a theater troupe of nefarious henchmen. There’s the Hook-Handed man who’s featured prominently in the books with his hooks at the end of his upper appendages. God only knows how he lost them. Then you have the Bald Man with the Long Nose who plays a key role in the books and can be downright nasty. In the show, he’s more of a dumb muscle who likes to paint. After that is the Person of Indeterminate Gender whose very fat in the books, mostly speaks in grunts, and is seen as one of the scariest members to Klaus. In the Netflix show, they’re kind of dim but can occasionally say some insightful things about gender roles. Next, the two White-Faced Women who usually don’t have much characterization. But whether they resemble geishas or old grannies, you never see one without the other. And finally, we have the Wart-Faced Man who shows up in The Bad Beginning but we don’t know what happened to him since.

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I think a good introduction to them would be in a song like “Master of the House” from Les Miserables. The original version features the innkeeper Thenardier singing of how much of a sleazy bastard he is. In the movie, you may see him having a good old time stealing money and valuables from his patrons. In this version, I have Count Olaf welcoming and entertaining his henchmen as the Baudelaires make dinner. Yet, I gave Mrs. Thenardier’s lines to the Hook-Handed Man since he’s Count Olaf’s most prominent featured crony in the series.

 

“Master of the House” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf and his Troup

Count Olaf:

Welcome, my friends, sit yourself down
To the best house of the best actor in town
As for the rest, all of ’em crooks:
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who’s content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Fellow guests appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn’t cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the troupe
Ready to relieve kids of their cash or two
Take them in their care making them do chores
Having them make dinner that only we will gorge
Everybody loves an actor
Everybody’s bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won’t I bleed ’em in the end!

Count Olaf & Troupe:
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a trust fund to pass him by
Handsome to a fault, genius on the stage
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody’s boon companion
Everybody’s chaperone

Count Olaf:
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won’t I skin you to the bone!

Enter Monsieur, we have a scheme
Perhaps we can talk it over roast beef
Don’t mind the kids, they’re cooking now
What we talk won’t interest them anyhow
Care for some fine wine
As we sit and dine
And nothing’s overlooked
Till I’m satisfied

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
I’m sure the kids are busy cooking the roast beef
Hope they won’t take long, surely we’re all starved
Scheming on an empty stomach can only go so far
Theater friends are more than welcome
Downstairs bathroom’s on the right
Yes, the toilet’s dirty
But you should check the nearby dive’s!

Never mind the rats, never mind the mice
I’m sure the Baudelaires will make this place look nice
Here’s a little glass, take a little wine
I have enough to pass out after dinner time
When it comes to entertaining
There are a lot of tricks I know
Got to see these three kids chopping wood
Jesus! It’s just as hilarious as it goes!

Count Olaf & Troupe:
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a trust fund to pass him by
Handsome to a fault, genius on the stage
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody’s boon companion
Gives ’em everything he’s got

Count Olaf:
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

Hook Handed Man:
I used to dream that I’d be filthy rich
But God Almighty, have you seen what’s happened since?

Master of the house? Isn’t worth my spit!
`Comforter, philosopher’ and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he’s quite a genius but there’s not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I’ve lasted working for this bastard in the house!

Count Olaf & Troupe:
Master of the house!

Hook Handed Man:
Master and a half!

Count Olaf & Troupe:
Comforter, philosopher

Hook Handed Man:
Ah, don’t make me laugh!

Count Olaf & Troupe:
Handsome to a fault, genius on the stage

Hook Handed Man:
Hypocrite and con man and inebriate!

Count Olaf & Troupe:
Everybody bless the actor!
Everybody bless his friends!

Count Olaf:
Everybody raise a glass

Hook Handed Man:
Raise it up the master’s arse

All:
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Poor, Poor Orphans”

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Under Count Olaf’s guardianship, the Baudelaire children were forced to do a series of endless and difficult chores. However, one day Olaf asks the kids to make a dinner for him and his theater troupe despite that they don’t know how to cook. So they go to their neighbor, Justice Strauss’s place and make use of her vast library. The find a recipe for pasta puttanesca, buy the ingredients, and cook it to serve as a meal. But will Olaf and his troupe be pleased with their efforts? Only time will tell.

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For this song I chose the “Poor, Poor Joseph” song from Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It’s an upbeat song that in the original version depicts Joseph’s jealous older brothers abducting him and throwing him in a well. Before selling him off to slavery where he ends up in Egypt. On the bright side, it leads to a hilarious cowboy number where his brothers try to explain the situation to their father Jacob. Compared to that, the ASOUE version is strangely light-hearted since it pertains to making dinner. Even if it’s for one of the most despicable villains in literature.

 

“Poor, Poor Orphans”

Lemony Snicket:

One day, early morn,
The Count left the poor kids a note

Told them to cook a meal
For ten in his theater troupe

Had to be ready by seven and serve it
Clean it up and stay out of Olaf’s way

Violet:
How do we accomplish this?
We don’t even know how to cook

Klaus:
We just need a cookbook
Which we really have to find
Except Count Olaf has no books of any kind

Violet:
We need one now! Else dinner won’t be made.

Lemony Snicket:
Poor, poor orphans, what’cha gonna do?
Things look bad for you, hey, what’cha gonna do?
Poor, poor orphans, what’cha gonna do?
Things look bad for you, hey, what’cha gonna do?

Justice Strauss:
Hi, kids, how you’ve been?
Is there anything you need?
Just hear to check on you
See how you’re handling your new life

Violet:
Olaf’s bringing home some friends
Wants us to make a meal we can’t

Justice Strauss:
Well, come to my house,
I’ll give you what you need
Borrow my cookbook and pay for groceries
Feel free to come by anytime

Klaus:
Thanks, for saving our asses just in time

Lemony Snicket:
There they spent the day
Preparing the Puttanesca sauce
Served it on pasta
Along with instant pudding for dessert
They meal was made by the designated time
Hopefully, Count Olaf won’t bitch and whine

Here he now comes with his freakish troupe
What a sordid group, hey, how low can he stoop?
Poor, poor children, will he be impressed?
Situation’s grave, though afraid what will be next?

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “If I Were a Rich Man”

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It’s no question that Count Olaf is a greedy and selfish man who cares only for obtaining wealth and power as well as will go to great lengths to get what he wants. But why he goes after Baudelaire fortune when he could’ve just robbed a bank is never explained, yet he pursues them with dogged obsession. Nonetheless, once these three precocious orphans end up in his care, he wastes no time making their lives miserable by making them do a list of endless and difficult chores for his entertainment. Tall, rail thin, with a unibrow, wheezy voice, gleaming eyes, horrendously bad hygiene, and an eye on his left ankle, he is a treacherous criminal mastermind who can make the Baudelaires’ lives hell despite how they constantly thwart his plans. Still, while he may seem quite overdramatic in his portrayals by Jim Carrey and Neil Patrick Harris, do not underestimate him. Because despite being not as bright and cultured as the Baudelaires, Count Olaf is a very intelligent man who can stay ahead of the authorities and know what they’ll do in order to hunt him. In fact, he can fool even the most intelligent person around him, including their subsequent guardians. And as the series goes on, he only gets much worse.

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A good song for him in The Bad Beginning would be “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof. In the original version, protagonist Tevye sings of how his life would be like if he was rich and complains to God about why he’s stuck to being a poor milkman with 5 daughters. However, Tevye just wants a better life where he wouldn’t have to work hard he tries to be a good Jew. Sure his aspirations are unrealistic and he knows it. But we’ve all been there. In the ASOUE version,  I have Count Olaf wish more sinister ides on how he’d spend the lavish Baudelaire fortune.

 

“If I Were a Rich Man” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Dear God, three rich orphans are in my care.
I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be in debt.
But it’s no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had these brats’ fortune?

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I’d build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I’d fill my yard with shrubs and busts made in my likeness
For everyone in town to see.
And each one would make me look like a marvel
While seen as a great work or masterpiece
As if to say “Here lives a wealthy man.”

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I’ll wear some fine clothes when I leave from the theater
With a hot girl at each arm.
Enjoying nightlife to my heart’s delight.
I will be putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood I’d be.
Screaming at the servants, day and night.

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Sullivan the Wise.
“If you please, Count Olaf…”
“Pardon me, Count Olaf…”
Posing problems that would cross a lawyer’s eyes!
And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.
When you’re rich, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I’d have the time that I lack
To trash any critics of my plays.
And maybe scheme a plot that would kill them all.
And I’d throw grand parties with wine for my backers, several hours in a day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
Now I need to come up with a plan,
To get these brats’ money in my hands.
And prevent them spoiling my scams? So I’d be a wealthy man…

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Consider Yourself”

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A Series of Unfortunate Events often get its name due to all the sadness, misfortune, misery, and woe the Baudelaire children put up with in their lives since their parents died in a fire. But most of the terrible things happen to them are thanks to the actions of one man, Count Olaf. Soon after losing their parents and home, they’re sent to live with this guy as their guardian. Since their parents’ will stipulated that the kids be sent to their closest geographically living relative and Count Olaf is their third or fourth cousin 3-4 times removed. Then again, that could be a lie. I really don’t know how Mr. Poe chooses Baudelaire guardians in the books. On paper, he’s an actor with his own theater troupe. But despite having a noble title, his house is a dump, decorated with eye pictures on the walls, and has a tower the kids aren’t allowed to enter. They find Olaf himself as an unpleasant man, easily angered, and refers to the kids as “orphans” or “brats.” He only provides them with one room with one bed and makes them do pointless and difficult chores for his entertainment. And he gets worse from there.

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Perhaps a good song for their first encounter could be “Consider Yourself” straight out of the 1960s musical Oliver!, which is based on the Charles Dickens novel Oliver Twist. In the original version, the Artful Dodger befriends Oliver and welcomes him into their gang of petty criminals that’s headed by a creepy man named Fagin. Sure Oliver isn’t up for a great experience with these guys. But at least it beats the workhouse in Victorian England. And the song seems quite upbeat since Oliver has no idea what he signed up for. This ASOUE version is much grimmer though we don’t get the full scope of Count Olaf’s villainy just yet.

 

“Consider Yourself” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf and the Baudelaire Orphans

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself at home
Consider yourself one of the household staff
I’ve made a long list of chores
Here’s your toothbrushes to clean the floor
Consider yourself, well in
Consider yourself a part of the furniture
There isn’t a lot to spare
Who cares?..I’ve got a bedroom upstairs!

There’s a chance you’ll see
When you clean
Some larger rats
Really nasty gnats
And mouse
While I’ll use your fortune
As a way
To foot the bill
While I have you clean my house!
Consider yourself my charge
I don’t want to have no fuss,
For after some consideration, I can state
Consider yourself
Pretty fucked.

Consider yourself…

Violet:
At home?

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself…

Klaus:
One of the cleaning staff

Count Olaf:
I’ve made a long list

Violet and Klaus:
Of chores

Count Olaf:
It’s clear…you’re…

Violet and Klaus:
Going to clean the floor

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself…

Sunny:
(subtitled baby talk) Well screwed!

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself…

Violet:
Part of the furniture

Count Olaf:
There isn’t a lot to spare

Klaus:
Who cares?
We’ve got to get out of here

Count Olaf:
Don’t ever try to be la-di-da or uppity-
Put or shut up, that’s all

Violet:
Though I can be rather handy with a rolling pin
When the landlord comes to call!

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself
My charge.
I don’t want to have no fuss

ALL:
For after some consideration we can state

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself

Baudelaires:
No!

ALL:
Pretty fucked!

Violet:
Consider ourselves at home…
Mr. Poe’s gotten it all so wrong
Consider ourselves done in…
There’s only one bed to spare

Klaus:
There’s a chance at hand
Olaf’s bad
Such a nasty man
And this shithole—
Of a house
Wish we’d live nearby
Justice Strauss
With all her books
All shelved up in her clean house!

Violet:
Consider ourselves enslaved.
He’ll always give us fuss
For after some consideration, we can state…
Consider ourselves…
Really fucked!

Violet:
Consider yourself

Sunny:
(Subtitled babble) At home.

Klaus:
He’s taken to us

Sunny:
(Subtitled babble) Like slaves

Violet:
Consider yourself

Klaus:
Done in.
He’s making us do these chores.
He wants us to go outside chopping wood
Despite that this is only June
And to repair a broken window he could’ve fixed
Oh, my God, he’s such a loon!

Violet:
Consider ourselves his slaves
We don’t want to have no fuss
For after some consideration we can state
Consider ourselves
Really fucked.

Klaus:
For after some consideration we can state
Consider ourselves…
Really fucked!

If this house should be
Right into our old neighborhood
They’d condemn it
To a lot
And he makes us to maintain
This God awful hellhole place
With the smallest brush he’s got.

Violet:
Consider ourselves at home.
Consider ourselves living with parasites.
This room only has us one bed.
And it’s infested with fleas instead.
Consider ourselves done in.
Consider ourselves with the bad furniture.
There isn’t much to spare.
Who cares?
Whatever we’ve got we share.

If it should chance to be
We should see some harder days,
With Count Olaf,
In this house
Always a chance we’ll see
Somebody to help us out.
Let’s just hope it’s Justice Strauss.

Consider ourselves his slaves.
We don’t want to have no fuss
For after some consideration we can state
Consider yourself…
Really fucked!!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “When I Was a Lad”

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In A Series of Unfortunate Events, the Baudelaires encounter plenty of adults you might consider as idiots, a word which here means, “if they’re not affiliated with the villainous Count Olaf or guaranteed to die for being too good for this sinful earth, they’re most likely incompetent or unable to help the Baudelaires in any meaningful way.” But there is no adult in this series who’s as utterly useless and idiotic as Mulctuary Money Management’s most famous banker, Mr. Arthur Poe. In the ASOUE books, Mr. Poe is the guy who’s in charge of managing the vast Baudelaire fortune the kids are set to inherit when Violet turns 18. Yet, he’s also the guy who sends the Baudelaire orphans to their respective guardians and is the last guy you’d want associated with child services. Seriously, Mr. Poe doesn’t know the meaning of the word, “background check.” Still, throughout the series, he is blatantly ignorant, easily gullible when he shouldn’t be, and never listens to the Baudelaires. This despite that he should know better. Furthermore, he thinks the kids will be safe wherever they end up despite the Count Olaf always finds them. Sure he might mean well, but he always proves so unhelpful to the orphans that Lemony Snicket thinks a jar of mustard would be better equipped to keep them out of danger. And I don’t think I can disagree since he seems the most useless adult in the Snicketverse, which is no small feat considering the stiff competition.

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As for musical numbers, a great song to characterize him would be “When I Was a Lad” from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta HMS Pinafore. In the play, this is the introductory song of First Lord of Admiralty Sir Joseph K. Porter who describes his rise through law and politics to become head of the Queen’s Navy. Despite that he has absolutely no experience with any sort of naval command or ship. Kind of like how Donald Trump has no experience in government but 60 million people voted him to be president and now we’re stuck with him in the White House. Anyway, what’s interesting about Admiral Porter is that he’s based on a real guy named W.H. Smith who became First Lord of Admiralty despite having no navy background whatsoever. The joke with Porter in this song was more about the massive corruption involved as he recounts his rise through law, politics, and eventually his current position almost entirely thanks to nepotism. Smith’s reputation never recovered because the 19th century Brits never let him live it down. Seriously, the Band of Royal Marines greeted him with this song during his visit to Portsmouth. And Benjamin Disraeli often privately referred to him as “Pinafore Smith.” Though my ASOUE version of this song gives Mr. Poe plenty of relevant experience, I do add a stinger on why you wouldn’t want to entrust him with your kids.

 

“When I Was a Lad” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Mr. Poe

Mr. Poe:
When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to this financial firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.

Chorus:
He polished up the handle of the big front door.

Mr. Poe:
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus.
He polished up that handle so carefullee,
That now he is an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the statements with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand.

Chorus:
He copied all the letters in a big round hand.

Mr. Poe:
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
He copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now he is an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
In serving statements I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute.

Chorus:
For the pass examination at the Institute.

Mr. Poe:
That pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
That pass examination did so well for he,
That now he is an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
Of financial knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the management.
And that junior management, I began,
As executor of various wealthy families.

Chorus:
As executor of various wealthy families.

Mr. Poe:
The Baudelaires and Quagmires most famously,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
The Baudelaires and Quagmires most famously,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
I grew so rich that I was sent
Promoted to senior management.
I always heeded at my bank’s call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.

Chorus:
He never thought of thinking for himself at all.

Mr. Poe:
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
He thought so little, they rewarded he
By making him an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
Now young clerks all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn’t fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

Chorus:
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

Mr. Poe:
Stick close to your desks and never see your kids,
And you all may be executives at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
Stick close to your desks and never see your kids,
And you all may be executives at Mulctuary!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Deacon Blues”

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Of course, A Series of Unfortunate Events wouldn’t be the memorable young adult series we know and love without its remarkable narrator Lemony Snicket. In real life, he’s merely a pseudonym for the books’ real author, Daniel Handler who also uses it to write children’s books. But in the ASOUE books and the prequel series All the Wrong Questions, he’s also a character. Though in public, it’s said that Handler is publicly alleged to be Snicket’s “legal literary and social representative.” In A Series of Unfortunate Events, he’s a wanted fugitive who’s charged himself with chronicling the lives of the Baudelaire orphans. He’s a very depressed man who’s mourning for his deceased love Beatrice whom he dedicates every book to along with his previous life being framed for a series of crimes he didn’t commit. His outlook on life is darkly humorous. In his narration, he can be brutally honest and sometimes savage. His constantly definition of words and sometimes condescending and patronizing way of speaking is likely a parody and satire of how kids’ books are dumbed down and treat readers like idiots. In the books, you never see his face in his About the Author blurb photograph. Though you can see him in full view on the TV show as portrayed by Patrick Warburton.

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As an introductory song for him, I thought Steely Dan’s “Deacon Blues” would be more appropriate. It’s a jazzy but sad tune about an aspiring jazz musician struggling to make it big characterized by the late Walter Becker as a “loser” as the subject was meant to reflect, “… a broken dream of a broken man living a broken life.” In A Series of Unfortunate Events, Lemony Snicket is certainly a broken man living a broken life. He’s a wanted man who has to constantly go on the lam for crimes he didn’t do. While he still carries a torch for the love of his life who he could’ve and should’ve married. But she ended up with another man and later died. Perhaps he sees researching and writing about the Baudelaires as a way to redeem himself or perhaps honor the memory of an ex-girlfriend he never really got over. Nonetheless, this is a song that’s perfect for a man like Lemony Snicket.

 

“Deacon Blues” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Lemony Snicket

This is the tale by the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers, wild gamblers
That’s all in the past

You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
This task is sad
But I’m already on the team
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I’ll find out this time
I’m ready to cross that fine line

Chronicle the Baudelaires
I’ll find just what I need
Conduct research all day long
And cry myself to sleep
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of failed romance
Sharing the things I know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind

I play my accordion
Through each depressing scene
Fantasize about Beatrice
Of what our lives could’ve been
I leave when the sun goes down
Avoiding every cop in town
I’m now on my own
I’ll drive these kids’ story home

Chronicle the Baudelaires
I’ll find just what I need
Conduct research all day long
And cry myself to sleep
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

This is the tale by the expanding man
I take one last drag
As I go on the lam
I cry when I write these books
Sue me if I get it wrong
There’s so much to see
You’ll probably not see me

I chronicle the Baudelaires
I’ll find just what I need
Conduct research all day long
And cry myself to sleep
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Briny Beach”

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Dear Viewer,

The musical you’re about to view is extremely unpleasant. It tells an unhappy tale of three unlucky children. Despite being charming and clever, the Baudelaire siblings lead lives filled with misery and woe. From this very post when the children are on Briny Beach and receive terrible news, continuing through the entire story, disaster lurks on every corner. One might think they’re magnets for misfortune. 

Throughout this musical, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, disastrous fires, paper-thin disguises, plots to steal their fortune, and numerous dreadful pop song parodies from musicals and rock albums. 

It is my sad duty to chronicle this series of unfortunate events, but there’s nothing preventing you from clicking on any ads or looking from some happier post on this blog. Or even looking for something happy, if that’s what you prefer. Like the Hunger Games parody songs.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

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Alongside the Harry Potter books, A Series of Unfortunate Events was among my favorite books during my adolescence. Like The Hunger Games series, it doesn’t revolve around nice stuff. But at least it doesn’t involve teenagers fighting to the death in live television. But it does pertain to a serial killer who pursues and wreaks havoc on three precocious orphaned children for their money as they move from guardian to guardian. Filled with dark humor, literary and cultural allusions, sarcastic story-telling as well as a lot of content you wouldn’t deem appropriate for children like gory death scenes, this 13-book coming-of-age series isn’t the kind of story you’d think would make a good light-hearted musical. But now that its second season has been adapted for a Netflix series, it doesn’t hurt to try. Especially if the show stars Neil Patrick Harris as Count Olaf and how the setting is entrenched in a world that’s very unlike our own. Besides, A Series of Unfortunate Events is a very dark series which can be a little fun with crazy costumes, eccentric characters, and dystopic feel taken to existential absurdity.

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Note: These songs are parodies. And no, I don’t have permission. But screw them since I think it’s funny. But feel free to make videos of these if you wish, but for God’s sake just give me credit. Some of the lyrics might not be original since I usually copy and paste them before I add my own additions. And I sometimes leave them in if I think it might go well with the song. Nevertheless, the songs chronology may conform to the books at first. But I’ll also add other songs as I go along which won’t conform to the sequence in later additions. So don’t be surprised if these are out of order.

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Anyway, this number is set in the first book where Mr. Poe arrives at Briny Beach to tell the Baudelaires orphans that their parents have died in a fire at their mansion. I thought the appropriate song to parody here could be “Coat of Many Colors” from Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now this is a rather upbeat musical from the 1970s that’s often performed in high schools around the US today. But keep in mind it’s about a young man whose jealous brothers basically abduct him and sold him to slavery like the original Bible story. Also, it has a lot of adult content like the sexual harassment scene with Popitar’s wife. But in this song, Joseph receives his fancy coat and is unaware of what his older brothers will do to him. And by this point, while the Baudelaire children may be sad about their parents and their house, they don’t know all the unfortunate events that’ll await them by this point.

 

“Briny Beach”

Lemony Snicket:
What you’re seeing is an incredibly depressing play
Of three unlucky kids with lives of great malaise
So go see something with more uplift
Perhaps Les Miserables

Violet the eldest, had a great inventor’s mind
Klaus the middle, loved to read in his spare time
And baby Sunny, she loved to bite
The three young Baudelaires-

Their lives started out as sweet
Till that day at Briny Beach

From a visit from a banker named Mr. Poe

Mr. Poe:
Sorry, kids, but what you need to know is

Afraid your house burned in a fire
Where your parents soon expired
Not sure if they could’ve seen the danger
I could not imagine any danger
But they perished in that fiery blaze at home.
As family executor, you will stay with me tonight
Don’t you worry for I’ve already called my wife
But only for the next few days
Until we find you a better place to live

You’ll live with nearby kin
The next four years
Your family’s fortune safe
Till Violet comes of age
Don’t worry for we’ll soon find
A new guardian for you

Lemony Snicket:
And from that day on
The kids knew their carefree days were gone
But they didn’t imagine any danger
Or that Mr. Poe can’t screen any stranger

He took them to their home
Or what’s left of it I suppose
Such a sorry wreckage of a mansion
You can’t even employ a restoration
There were burned books, singed hooks, cinder,
And ash
Their whole house was
Reduced to wreckage from the fire

Violet and Klaus:
There was not much left
For us to take
It’s time to go
To Mr. Poe’s
Our life is so unfair

Lemony Snicket:
The orphans missed their mom and dad
But Poe’s sons were spoiled brats
Made a pair of really shitty roommates

Violet and Klaus:
Asked us whether we killed our own parents

Lemony Snicket:
But things will soon get worse
You’d think these kids were cursed
Shortly they’re fostered by Count Olaf
Some cousin these orphans never heard of

Lemony Snicket, Violet and Klaus, Ensemble & Children
They lost their parents, their home, their books,
Their beds, their clothes, their furniture,
Their photos, their toys, their board games,
Their contraptions, their china, their jewelry,
Their suitcases, their utensils, their stove,
Their dressers, their desks, their pencils,
Their crayons, their chew toys, their manuals,
Their purses, their antiques, their tables,
Their chairs, their counters, their electronics,
Their vacuums, their trash cans, their laundry
Their ribbons, their cribs, their cabinets,
Their hooks, their lamps, their files,
Their papers, their cleaners, their doors,
Their windows, their blankets, their sheets,
And roof

A Cancer on the Local News: The Insidious Nature of the Sinclair Broadcast Group

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You may have noticed how some of my blog posts on the media usually consist of me attacking conservative media outlets like Fox News, Breitbart, and Info Wars. However, understand that I didn’t attack these outlets solely for spouting conservative views alone. Rather, I’ve attacked them due to their stunning lack of journalistic ethics, propensity to spread misinformation, derogatory stereotypes, peddling conspiracy theories, and blatant disregard for the truth when it suits them. Not to mention, the fact these outlets have been so prolific and influential in the media landscape. However, I have to concede that these three media outlets have audiences who know what they’re getting.

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This is a map from the New York Times depicting Sinclair’s reach. The green dots represent the markets where the company has a station. The orange ones represent where Tribune owns one. If Sinclair gets its way, 233 local stations can be under its wing.

This isn’t the case with audience who watch the local news on a station owned by the Sinclair Broadcast Group. Called “the most dangerous company most Americans haven’t heard of,” Sinclair is possibly the largest TV station operator in the United States. Owning and/or operating a total of 173 stations across the country covering over 100 markets, this conglomerate reaches 40% of all American households, many of which are located in the South and Midwest along with small and medium sized cities. Thus, it had already hit the 39% cap imposed by the Federal Communications Commission which should’ve effectively barred the company from further acquisitions. But today, the Sinclair Broadcast Group is set to buy Tribune Media for $3.9 billion. The deal is expected to receive FCC approval sometime soon. If Sinclair gets its way, its media empire could cover nearly 72% of the US and an average viewership of 2.2 million households. Some of these Tribune stations are already in markets where a Sinclair one exists. At any rate, it could result in Sinclair creating a media oligarchy in the broadcast television industry with 233 stations under its wing. After all, Sinclair has expanded drastically over the last 2½ decades since it went from owning 3 stations in the early 1990s to 59 in less than a decade. By 2014, its local station ownership had tripled to 162. Still, it’s widely expected that Sinclair’s acquisition of Tribune Media will be approved thanks to FCC Chairman Ajit Pai reinstating the archaic “UHF discount” which allows broadcasters to understate their overall reach. In the meantime, the company has faced criticism over circumventing concentration in media ownership rules, particularly in using local marketing agreements and similar arrangements to take over stations on behalf of preferred third parties. It’s no surprise that so many progressive groups have expressed opposition to the sale. But so have conservative media outlets like Newsmax, The Blaze, and One America News Network perhaps fearing the competition. Though their motives may not be pure, they have a point when they speak about diversity and independence. After all, a larger Sinclair operation would chip into the market for right wing news as well as further diminish media access already dominated by a handful of players thanks to years of media consolidation.

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Sinclair is notorious for trying to inject right wing propaganda into their local news broadcasts. One must-run segment is “Terror Alert Desk” which is mostly devoted to demonizing Muslims than discussing terrorism. Don’t expect any commentary on Charlottesville or white supremacist violence on this segment any time soon.

The Sinclair Broadcast Group has also faced significant scrutiny over promoting its conservative agenda within a news format that’s supposed to be apolitical: local news programming. The company’s stations have been known for featuring news content and programming that promote conservative political positions and have been involved in various controversies surrounding politically motivated programming decisions. From the early 2000s, Sinclair has infected local news coverage with politically-charged programming and turning local news stations into partisan outlets. The company is also known for pushing heavy partisan commentary in the lead-up to elections, often favoring Republican candidates. And it has received plenty of criticism for critical content of Democratic candidates during each presidential election since 2004. Most recently, Sinclair made headlines for striking a deal with Jared Kushner to give positive press to the Trump campaign while heavily criticizing Hillary Clinton. Now promoting their political agenda wouldn’t be much of a problem if Sinclair confined their bias on DC-produced segments, commentary shows, or attack ads. However, what Sinclair does on local news is far more insidious. And since more Americans place high value on their local news, it has become a perfect tool for the company to inject their right-wing propaganda.

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Sinclair regularly produces conservative propaganda pieces before distributing them to their stations like this Mark Hyman’s “Behind the Headlines” commentary bit. Called “must-runs,” local stations are required to air them in their broadcasts. While they may not always feature commentary, they’re nevertheless inflammatory, misleading, and certainly inappropriate for a local newscast.

One practice that stands for are Sinclair’s infamous “must-run” segments. These segments are short pieces of political commentary Sinclair produces at their national headquarters that affiliates are required to air. Every day, Sinclair mandates its stations to air specific reports, segments, and editorials referred to as “must runs.” Sinclair produces these at its Washington DC headquarters and directs its station managers to work them into the broadcast over a period of 24 to 48 hours. And they mainly consist of conservative propaganda presented as news content. In July 2017, the HBO show Last Week Tonight had John Oliver present clips of various anchors using the exact same script describing the FBI as having a “personal vendetta” against Michael Flynn, clips of Mark Hyman editorials in which he compared multiculturalism and political correctness to a cancer epidemic and stated that marriage was a solution to domestic abuse, and joked that the “Terrorism Alert Desk” segments defined terrorism as “anything a Muslim does.” The show also aired content by former Trump adviser Boris Epstheyn alleging Obama won North Carolina due to voter fraud and a clip blaming the Democratic Party for slavery, Jim Crow, and the Klu Klux Klan. Back in the Bush administration, Sinclair required all its stations to air an editorial segment called “The Point,” which Hyman railed against the “angry left,” and “clueless academia,” dismissed peace activists as “whack jobs,” called the French “cheese-eating surrender monkeys,” and supported a host of right wing initiatives from a national sales tax to Medicare privatization. You might expect such commentary from Breitbart or Fox News that are often inflammatory and misrepresent the facts, not your local station. But this is exactly the kind of content Sinclair tells its stations to run on their local newscasts to promote its right-wing agenda. TV journalists have complained about being forced to run these overly partisan segments because as Oliver noted, “with Sinclair they’re injecting Fox-worthy content into the mouths of your local news anchors, the two people who you know, and who you trust, and whose on-screen chemistry can usually best be described as two people.” In one notable incident following the 9/11 attacks, Sinclair ordered its stations to read editorials praising President George W. Bush’s response. The WBFF staff objected, claiming the endorsement would “undermine public faith in their political objectivity.” It’s very clear Sinclair’s must run segments are a concerted effort to turn your local 6 o’clock broadcast into a little Fox News clone without disclosing it to the public. But when they put these segments into local newscasts, they degrade journalistic standards, abuse viewers’ trust, and blur the lines between news and propaganda. Furthermore, they compromise America’s right to be informed on the matters affecting their lives. Of course, Sinclair executives defend their practices citing how the mainstream media is overwhelmingly liberal and that their pieces provide a counterweight but that’s based on an intellectually dishonest interpretation of what journalism is.

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Remember when Montana GOP congressional candidate Greg Gianforte body slammed Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs? Well, Montana’s NBC affiliate KECI refused to air the audio recording on account that there wasn’t enough facts on the incident. Despite that the audio clearly shows Gianforte started and that 3 local Fox News reporters watched it. It was later found Sinclair had just bought the station and that its vice president and director had donated to Gianforte’s campaign. So figure it out.

Sinclair also dictates how news stations can present some of the local news and programming is presented aside from the “must run” segments and scripts. Even before the Trump administration, Sinclair had a nasty habit of skewing news stories to fit with their conservative vision, censor content, and promote disparaging and very misleading information on Democratic candidates. In 2004, the company ordered its ABC affiliates to not air an episode of Nightline where Ted Koppel listed the names of soldiers killed in the Iraq War. They argued that the broadcast, “[appeared] to be motivated by a political agenda designed to undermine the efforts of the United States in Iraq” and undermined a then-ongoing effort by its Washington bureau to report on positive “untold” stories from Iraq under occupation mainstream media outlets ignored. ABC responded stating that Koppel’s reading was meant to be “an expression of respect which seeks to honor those who have laid down their lives for this country.” And it was a gesture Arizona US Senator John McCain found “deeply offensive.” That same year, tried to air an anti-John Kerry documentary called, “Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal,” alleging “that North Vietnamese captors used Kerry’s statements about atrocities committed by American troops during the conflict as an excuse to torture U.S. prisoners of war.” But the Democratic National Committee filed a legal motion with the Federal Election Commission stating it was inappropriate for a media organization to air “partisan propaganda” in the last 10 days of an election campaign. Then-Vice President of Corporate Relations Mark Hyman stated that any network refusing to air the anti-Kerry documentary were “acting like Holocaust deniers.” And when Sinclair’s Washington bureau chief Jon Leiberman called the documentary, “biased political propaganda,” he was promptly fired. As for President Barack Obama, well, Sinclair has linked him to Weather Underground founder Bill Ayers, alleged he raised campaign funds from Hamas and labeled him as a socialist extremist. In 2014, its Baltimore Fox affiliate WBFF according to The Baltimore Sun, “misleadingly edited and aired video of a protest march to make it seem as if protesters were chanting ‘kill a cop.’” In reality, the marchers actually chanted to the lead of Tawanda Jones, “We can’t stop ‘til killer cops are in cell blocks” in a non-violent protest against police brutality. Jones would eventually sue WBFF and Sinclair for defamation the next year. Because after that segment aired, she received death threats, lost community support for her protests, and had been reduced to reclusive behavior. In 2017, Montana’s NBC affiliate KECI refused to air an audio recording of GOP congressional candidate Greg Gianforte attacking Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs. The station denied Sinclair instructing them on handling the Gianforte incident and essentially framed it as an “he said/she said” situation. This despite that the audio recording covers it, Jacobs ended up in the hospital, and 3 Fox News reporters witnessed it. That and Politico later reported that Sinclair’s vice president and director had donated to Gianforte the day after he was charged with the assault. This July, Sinclair affiliate KBOI used a photo of Black Lives Matter activist DeRay McKeeson in several stories he had nothing to do with including an attempted robbery in Idaho.

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Here’s a “must run” segment of “Bottom Line with Boris.” A former investment banker who was born in Soviet Russia, Boris Ephsteyn was a Trump crony during the 2016 campaign and in the White House. On his Sinclair segment, he normally parrots Trump White House commentary which stations are required to air 9 times a week.

But Sinclair’s connection with Republican politicians and operatives doesn’t just extend to media coverage. A 2004 study found that 95% of the company’s political contributions went to Republican candidates. The Center of Public Integrity showed concern on Mark Hyman’s history of government lobbying (such as for the FCC to loosen rules regarding media ownership concentration), along with making its stations provide “anything but fair and balanced news programming.” In 2002, the company gave lots of perks like using its luxury helicopter to former congressman Bob Ehrlich during his run for governor of Maryland. Mostly because Ehrlich pressed the FCC to fast-track its request to acquire more stations. In 2007, 9 Sinclair stations aired public affairs shows without disclosing that “host Armstrong Williams had been paid by an affiliate of the Education Department to make favorable comments about the Bush administration’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ policy.” The FCC issued the company a $36,000 fine for violating “rules against ‘payola punditry.’” In December 2016, Jared Kushner said that the Trump campaign, “struck a deal with Sinclair Broadcast Group during the campaign to try and secure better media coverage” particularly in swing states. As part of that deal, “Sinclair would broadcast their Trump interviews across the country without commentary.” The Washington Post noted that the company scored 15 exclusive interviews with Donald Trump in a year while “news stories and features favorable to Trump or that challenged Clinton were distributed to Sinclair stations on a ‘must-run’ basis.” Of course, Trump would appoint Pai to head the FCC Ajit Pai pushed through a measure that would allow the Sinclair-Tribune merger to go forward. Recently, Pai has further proposed eliminating a rule requiring each TV station to have a main studio in or near the community it serves, arguing that modern technology allows community interaction without one. But critics charge the action as another handout for Sinclair as former FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler argues, “will have an open field to replace local voices with national control.” In April 2017, Sinclair hired former Trump official Boris Epshteyn as its “chief policy analyst” whose must run “Bottom Line with Boris” segments air on its local news affiliates 9 times a week. Yet, Epshteyn is a shady character. He’s pleaded guilty to assault in 2014. The House Intelligence Committee has questioned his ties to the Kremlin. In the 2016 campaign season, he dismissed Gold Star father Khizir Khan as a Democratic prop. And during his time in the Trump administration, he crafted the notorious Holocaust Remembrance Day statement that omitting any mention of Judaism. He left the White House that March amid reports that every cable news network hated him.

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The Sinclair Broadcast Group’s rapid expansion and promotion of conservative politics highlights serious consequences of media consolidation. And as John Oliver noted, “Should this Tribune acquisition go through, there are going to be even more good journalists having to see their hard work placed alongside terror desk nonsense, just as there’ll be even more unsuspecting audience members who will be getting a heaping dose of Sinclair’s content, possibly without realizing it.” Perhaps it’s best you google your local stations and find out who owns it. If your local market has a Sinclair station, then expect that station to carry a lot of right wing bullshit. If it’s a Tribune, then pray to God that the acquisition doesn’t go through. For the Sinclair-Tribune merger is a very bad deal for America.

It’s one thing for a news station like Fox News to deliberately mislead the public to advance its own political agenda. But it’s very disturbing for a company like Sinclair to injecting intentionally misleading political diatribes where it has no place. It’s even worse that Sinclair forces news local stations run such content they know is bullshit and undermine viewers’ trust in them. If not, then perhaps warp their minds into accepting right wing talking points as undisputable fact as Sinclair would intend. For as John Oliver said, “The problem is, there is real power in hearing your trusted local newscasters using FBI and personal vendetta in a sentence.” Because after all, most people don’t really know who really owns their local station since they’re often branded with the national network that broadcasts on them, not the real owners. Nor do they seem to critically think about these stories aired on their local station. Scaremongering and propaganda have no place in local news since it’s corrosive to our democratic process. Sinclair’s “must-run” segments and other policies rob viewers of hearing local and opposing viewpoints. Sinclair’s acquisition of Tribune would lead to less competition, threaten media localism, and harm information diversity. Thus, it would best for the country if the Sinclair and Tribune merger doesn’t go through. Sinclair is a cancer on the local news and our democracy as well as should be stopped from buying more stations. No major media company should have that much power, especially if they’re abusing the trust between the public and their local news stations in order to advance their political agenda. But it also means that we must be more careful of what we hear on the news and know who owns them.

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It’s widely said that Americans trust their local TV news broadcasts than any other source. For years, Sinclair has often abused that trust and eroded journalistic standards with their conservative propaganda. Advancing a political agenda has no place in a local newsroom meant to cover actual news stories, sports, traffic, and weather.

They Made a Show Out of This? Stupid Reality TV Shows: Part 10 – House Hunters to The Hills

Seems like we’ve made it to the end of this series on reality shows. Even if you’re a diehard reality show fan, I hope you can walk away from this blog series without being too offended. For I don’t really mean to let you down on some of your favorites. Or at least understand that what you see on reality shows isn’t always real or accurate. But if you’re like me and don’t like reality shows at all, then I hope you can find some satisfaction that the world of such television is about as fake, sleazy, and contrived as you thought it would be. Nevertheless, I think it’s important to understand the concepts behind a lot of these shows as well as the questionable ethics employed by production crews. And yes, there’s a lot of manipulation involved. But what disturbs me most when reading about reality TV is how some networks and producers can sink to disturbing new lows for the sake of ratings. And so I bring you the final installment of my bad reality show series.

91. House Hunters

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Though House Hunters is stated to be about families and couples looking for a new home, in reality it’s not the case. Because it’s more likely the family already picked the house while the other two homes belong to their friends.

Station: HGTV

Premise: Follows individuals searching for a new home with help from a real estate agent. In each episode the buyers must decide between 3 properties, ultimately choosing one before the end of the episode. The show concludes by revisiting the buyers in their new home a few weeks or months later, where they describe the changes they’ve made and the effect their new home has on their life.

Why It’s Stupid: In 2012, a former participant told the Hooked on Houses blog that she and her family already picked the house before taping the show. In addition, she said the remaining 2 houses they viewed on TV were really just their friends’ homes. Another participant stated, “The show is not really a reality show. You have to already own the house that gets picked at the end of the show. But the other houses in the show are actually the other houses we considered buying.”

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on and with several spin-offs

 

92. Call of the Wildman

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Call of the Wildman follows a man who operates a Kentucky backwoods pest removal business. While the show was a hit, Mother Jones did an article exposing him of animal mistreatment with evidence to support.

Station: Animal Planet

Premise: Follows the exploits of Kentucky woodsman Ernie Brown Jr. nicknamed, “The Turtleman.” Aided by his friend and his dog, he operates a nuisance animal removal business while he catches and releases the pesky critters.

Why It’s Stupid:Because it depicts Brown’s Spartan existence in the backwoods of Kentucky, some poverty advocacy groups have expressed concerns that it exploits the stereotypical views of Southerners as being poorly educated, poorly groomed, and impoverished. Then there are detractors stating that while Brown actually does catch animals on his show, the scenarios and animal catching scenes are scripted and faked using appropriated animals instead of naturally occurring events. In 2013, the city of Danville, Kentucky released an investigation report that the city parks department and the crew failed to obtain the required approvals before releasing poisonous snakes into a local public pool in order to stage an apparent poisonous snake infestation there. In addition, the Kentucky Reptile Zoo director identified the species of snakes used in the scene as not indigenous to where the scene was filmed. Thus, making it impossible for the scene to occur naturally. In addition, after a seven-month investigation, Mother Jones published an expose on the show including testimony and supporting evidence that the crew obtained an opossum from a wildlife rescue in order to fake a supposed wildlife infestation at a Lexington fraternity house. They also discussed a baby raccoon dying from an apparent lack of appropriate food and medical care after being in Brown’s supposed possession for several days amongst numerous other actions against Brown and the crew. Since the release of the Mother Jones report, Kentucky state agencies have increased scrutiny of Brown because some records filed with Kentucky Fish and Wildlife that detailed what was captured, released and euthanized on Call of the Wildman appear to have been falsified. The Department of Agriculture also reviewed the situation in order to determine whether Brown or the show’s crew violated the Animal Welfare Act by not having appropriate federal licensing to display regulated animals on television.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 4 seasons.

 

93. Gold Rush

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Gold Rush is about men mining gold in the Yukon. If you know anything about past gold rushes, this goes about as you’d expect. Because the most successful miners mined miners, dummy.

Station: Discovery Channel

Premise: Follows various teams of miners mining gold placer deposits in Canada’s Yukon Territory.

Why It’s Stupid: From Thought Catalog: “There has never been a reality show in the history of the world that’s more depressing than Gold Rush. These rugged miners spend tens of thousands of dollars and work grueling hours in order to uncover gold from every corner of the globe. The problem is that most episodes end with the guys spending $80,000 to mine an area and leaving with $400 worth of gold. The show will then cut to their family’s homes being repossessed by the bank as the theme song plays. As awful as that is, I can’t look away.”

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on.

 

94. Armed & Famous

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You have to wonder what the producers were thinking to come up with this show. Celebrities as police? Yes, this happened. Ironically someone in Muncie didn’t recognize any of them.

Station: CBS and Vh1

Premise: Follows 5 celebrities as they train to become police officers with the Muncie Police Department in Muncie, Indiana, followed by graduation. After that, the celebrities go on patrol with the same police officers who traditionally ride with the new ones.

Why It’s Stupid: For one, they featured celebrities less famous than who you’d normally see on Dancing with the Stars. Second, a woman named Lyndsay Clements filed a lawsuit over this show claiming her home was wrongfully entered and was questioned by people she didn’t know. LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne were named in the suit.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, and after one season.

 

95. Who Wants to Marry My Dad?

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In this show, grown children screen potential mates for their single father. Though seen as romantic, this show is actually very creepy.

Station: NBC

Premise: A dad’s 4 grown children shop for a new stepmother out of 12 ladies for their single dad to marry.

Why It’s Stupid: To be honest, it’s creepy, especially since the women involved are subjected to embarrassing tasks, mind games, lie detector tests, and truth serum while living in a luxurious Southern California mansion. The kids can even watch their dad make out with some of them, too. Sure wanting to help find a good stepmother is one thing. But despite being called “the most romantic show on television,” this is disturbing as hell.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 2 seasons.

 

96. Mystery Diners

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Mystery Diners has people go undercover to spy on potentially disobedient restaurant workers in a sting operation. In reality, most of the participants on this show are paid actors.

Station: Food Network

Premise: Follows an organization of Mystery Diners which at the request of certain owners, go undercover at certain restaurants and set up stings and unseen surveillance cameras to catch misbehaving employees in the act.

Why It’s Stupid: For one, this demonizes a group of people who really get treated like shit in the working world since many of them work on minimum wage, are often victims of wage theft, and have no access to health benefits or any kind of paid leave. Second, the mystery diners and restaurant employees featured on the show are all actors who passed auditions regularly held in Phoenix.

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on.

 

97. Alaskan Bush People

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Though Alaskan Bush People was supposed to follow a family in the Alaskan wilderness, it was later found they live nowhere near in that remote lifestyle. Also they were in court on fraud charges.

Station: Discovery Channel

Premise: Follows the life of a family living deep in the Alaskan wilderness in Chichagof Island.

Why It’s Stupid: The Browns are portrayed as a true wildlife enthusiast Alaskan family who relies on hunting, fishing, and bartering skills to survive the Alaskan wilderness. However, they were recently in court for fraud charges and the LA Times exposed that the Browns doesn’t live the remote, antisocial Alaskan lifestyle the show would lead viewers to believe.

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on.

 

98. Lizard Lick Towing

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Lizard Lick Towing follows a tow and repo business in North Carolina. Cracked called it a show about towing mixed in with pro wrestling. Yes, it’s quite fake.

Station: TruTV

Premise: Follows a towing and repossession company in North Carolina.

Why It’s Stupid: As Cracked states, “Either its crew is by far the most inept that has ever operated or they’re putting something in the water around their garage (my guess: They replace it with whiskey), because absolutely every single second of their work life is a goddamned monkey brawl. This is partially entirely because a) they operate with all the tact and professionalism of a dog that has just seen a butthole it would very much like to sniff, and b) literally every person they encounter is a fucking psychopath that would make Hannibal Lecter go, ‘Whoa.’” They later add, “If you hit YouTube, you’ll find scene after scene of these situations, and the more you watch them, the more they start to seem like those dumbass skits WWE likes to air between matches, with all the acting ability that involves. Upon closer inspection, this is because — gasp — that’s pretty much what Lizard Lick Towing is.”

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes but it ran 4 seasons.

 

99. Cribs

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Cribs was a hugely popular show on MTV when I was a teenager. If you’re over a certain age, it follows a similar line to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous which tours the homes of celebrities. However, it was later found that some of these celebrities weren’t being as honest about their lives as they portrayed themselves to be.

Station: MTV

Premise: Camera crews take a tour into a celebrity’s mansion as well as get a glimpse into their lavish lifestyles. Think of it as Lifestyles of the Rich and famous for teenagers. Show has featured tours of the homes of over 185 celebrities, musicians, actors, and athletes.

Why It’s Stupid: Since this show aired, several celebrities have been accused or willingly used other people’s property and claimed them as their own. In 2004, the real owner of Ja Rule’s house sued MTV for alleging unauthorized taping of the interior and damage to the property caused by Ja Rule’s partying. The first MTV episode with Robbie Williams showcased Jane Seymour’s house as his home that he was renting off her. He later admitted to the con and showed off his real home in a later episode. Then there’s 50 Cent with 3 Ferraris that he claimed were his “whips.” In reality they were owned by a private collector who lent them for him for the episode and some music video work. Those are just a few examples.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 13 years.

 

100. The Hills

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The Hills was a show that followed young women trying to make it in LA. Though it was structured like a soap opera, stars later admitted that a lot of the show was staged and were being prodded by production crews. Oh, and much of the problems and relationship drama was fake.

Station: MTV

Premise: Follows the lives of several young women living in Los Angeles, California though it originally focused on Lauren Conrad before she left halfway through and was replaced with Kristen Cavallari. But this show is best remembered for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Why It’s Stupid: It was often criticized for tending towards a narrative format more commonly seen in scripted genres including soap operas and appearing to fabricate much of its storyline. Among these include sex tape rumors as well as personal conflict and fights between the women. The costume changes were usually preset by the crew. Spencer and Heidi actually eloped in Mexico but had to marry on-camera due to frantic producers and how their marriage wasn’t valid in the US. A lot of their relationship drama was also scripted for the cameras. Kristen Cavallari’s drug problem was made up. Brody Jenner didn’t hook up with anybody. Audrina Partridge and Lauren Conrad didn’t live in that apartment. And if it weren’t for the show, Lauren would’ve ditched Heidi a long time ago.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran for 6 years.

They Made a Show Out of This? Stupid Reality TV Shows: Part 9 – Breaking Amish to Man vs. Wild

Of course, we all know that networks like to air reality shows since they’re cheaper to produce than a scripted series. Proponents tend to say that plots and subject matter on such shows are more authentic and engaging than in scripted dramas. However, as we see in my series, reality TV doesn’t necessarily reflect real life. An obvious example of this would be Amish Mafia from the Discovery Channel which I think doesn’t reflect the Amish whatsoever. For one, one of the Amish guys in the promo is holding a machine gun and we know their firearms of choice would be a blunderbuss. Second, genuine Amish people are religiously forbidden to appear on camera so it’s clear anyone dressed in their attire is an actor. In fact, they mostly don’t interact with the media at all since they value their privacy. And lastly, it’s highly unlikely an Amish Mafia would exist since the Amish are staunch pacifists. So it’s no wonder that a noted Amish expert mistaken a trailer of this show as an SNL sketch. However, this lousy show was popular enough for 4 seasons. Yes, I’m scratching my head. Then there’s Finding Bigfoot in which we all know they’re not going to find him. Because Bigfoot ain’t real. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of bad reality shows.

81. Breaking Amish

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Breaking Amish is a show about young people leaving their old ways of life for the big English city. Or are they really? Actually it’s more likely to be staged.

Station: TLC

Premise: A group of Amish and Mennonites ditch the butter churns for the bright lights of New York City.

Why It’s Stupid: For one, such idea is ridiculous. Second, after 2 episodes reports circulated that the cast of the show wasn’t exactly who they said they were. Allegations include the couple said to be meeting the first time actually had a child together and another said to be leaving the faith the first time had actually split 14 years prior. Also, there are plenty of Mennonites who don’t shun technology or even modern fashion and don’t live isolated from the rest of society. Seriously, my dad went to school with Mennonites.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but ran 4 years.

 

82. My Strange Addiction

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It’s shows like My Strange Addiction that has given TLC the notorious reputation of coming up with shows to exploit people’s problems. This series uses people’s serious mental problems for the sake of entertainment.

Station: TLC

Premise: It’s a documentary series about people with unusual compulsive behaviors. These range from eating specific non-food items to ritualistic daily activities to bizarre personal fixations and beliefs.

Why It’s Stupid: For one, this show gives a lot of psychological misinformation since a few of these subjects wouldn’t be classified as having a true addiction, neither conventional or behavioral. Rather cause of behavior varies of psychiatric diagnosis with examples including obsessive-compulsive disorder, pica, paraphilia, schizophrenia, psychosis, Alzheimer’s disease, exercise bulimia, trichotillomania, body dysmorphic disorder, dermatillomania, and object sexuality. Many of these could be considered harmful. Second, it got a lot of flak for exploiting people’s problems that Us Weekly stated the “afflictions are fascinating, but too much time is spent gawking at their odd behavior as opposed to treating it. Only in the final moments do therapists pay a visit, and they oversimplify things by suggesting exercise and journaling!” The New York Daily News called it “the most disgusting reality show on television” while TV Guide said, “maybe the most entertaining freak show on television now, and definitely the most guilt-free one” noting that “the lack of hand-wringing feels deliciously subversive.” Third, specific cases on the show have raised concerns that at least some portrayals are fictional or falsified. For instance, a large number of Pica-like cases where the subject claim consuming materials known to be fatal in quantities shown such as gasoline, camphor, broken glass, and other non-food objects.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran for 6 seasons.

 

83. My 600-lb Life

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Sure I’m aware that the US has a serious obesity problem thanks to processed foods that needs to be taken care of. However, it still doesn’t explain how TLC could find enough 600 lb people for this show.

Station: TLC

Premise: A reality show about morbidly obese people and their attempts to lose weight to a healthy level, usually with the assistance of gastric bypass surgery performed by Houston-area surgeon Younan Nowzaradan.

Why It’s Stupid: Another way TLC has exploited some messed up people’s problems. Also, one of the people featured on the show died of an illness related to his gastric bypass surgery. Still, you have to wonder how could they come up with enough 600-lb people to do this show.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 4 seasons.

 

84. Doomsday Preppers

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A show like Doomsday Preppers takes us into the world of survivalists who have to come up with plans to survive hypothetical but apocalyptic situations. Of course, you can guess it’s jammed packed with plenty of crazy conspiracy theorists.

Station: National Geographic Channel

Premise: Profiles various survivalists preparing to survive the various circumstances that may cause the end of civilization like economic collapse, societal collapse, and electromagnetic pulse. A consulting company called Practical Preppers grades the quality of their preparations.

Why It’s Stupid:  As Vh1 states, think about this quote from contestant Jay Desai, “We don’t make it an obsession like some folks but we do spend a fair amount of time and money on it. …You can’t always rely on the government or society to help you. The more people that are prepping minded, the better off we’ll all do.” Anyway, Neil Genzlinger in The New York Times condemned it as an “absurd excess on display and at what an easy target the prepper worldview is for ridicule,” noting, “how offensively anti-life these shows are, full of contempt for humankind.” Practical Preppers also profits off the show.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 4 seasons.

 

85. I Cloned My Pet

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Though I Cloned My Pet is a series of specials instead of a regular show, it’s certainly insane. I mean it features rich people who miss their departed pets so much that they’re willing to spend up to $100,000 to have it cloned. Sorry, but what they really need is a visit to the psychiatrist.

Station: TLC

Premise: Mostly about bereaved pet owners who want to have the next best thing to a second chance with their departed furry friend through having it cloned.

Why It’s Stupid: As Lisa Mannering said from The Stir, “I understand what it means to have a pet you’re totally in love with. I loved two pets that were near and dear to me, but I accepted death as a part of life and have moved on. Cloning, if you ask me, is an unnatural, science-fictiony plot against the natural order of things, and no living, breathing being should be cloned for fun. Because, let’s be honest, people aren’t cloning their pets here in the name of research; they’re cloning their pets because they’re selfish and probably a little bit unhinged. After watching the clip, arm chair psychiatry will tell you that this woman secretly always wanted children and her obsession with her pet is a manifestation of that burning, unfulfilled desire.” Besides, clones aren’t necessarily the reincarnations of the original despite being a genetic carbon copy. Just look at identical twins. If you lost a pet you really loved, the healthiest thing to do is to bury it in the back yard or perform some other funerary ceremony and never look back.

Did it Get Canceled?: I’m not sure since it only ran in several hour long specials.

 

86. Duck Dynasty

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Yes, I’m well aware that Duck Dynasty is a very popular show. However, if you look at past photos of this family, it’s incredibly clear that the Robertson family is selling a fantasy. And that the beards and wardrobe are contractually obligated.

Station: A&E

Premise: Portrays the lives of the Robertson family who became successful from their family-operated duck caller business in West Monroe, Louisiana. The men are known for their long beards and conservative Christian views.

Why It’s Stupid: Phil Robertson’s controversial GQ Interview comments aside, this entire show’s success is based on selling a fantasy. Though the men of the Robertson family seem like a bunch of rednecks who speak simple homey truths and see what their more sophisticated brethren can’t, their facial hair and camo are all lies. Earlier pictures of the men depict them clean shaven in short hair in polos at golf courses. So I guess the long beards and camo were contractually obligated. As Rolling Stone called it, “A dipshit sitcom passed off as a reality show, with a bunch of bearded phonies stumbling over their scripted banter – like The Beverly Hillbillies with less believable facial hair. The Robertsons talked about Jesus a lot, but Jesus probably prefers Real Housewives like the rest of us.”

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on. Shit.

 

87. Paris Hilton’s My New BFF

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In Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, a bunch of women compete to be one of Paris’s confidantes. Well, for at least until the next season.

Station: MTV

Premise: It’s a competition series in which Paris Hilton searches for a new BFF.

Why It’s Stupid: From Metacritic: “Given these chances, it’s a surprise that thousands of people are not auditioning for the coveted position, whose prize does not seem to extend beyond bragging rights. (Seriously, no cash incentive?) It’s also a surprise that the show has been turned into a global franchise, with versions slated for taping in Canada, Germany and Russia, ensuring that the jet-setter will have a friend for all seasons.” Seriously, would I want to be friends with a shallow Paris Hilton? No. Still, even when someone wins the show, a friendship with Paris could be nothing but artificial. As Irikated would say, “Did anybody ever think that winning a show like this would instantly catapult them to a level where they will be there to console the failed porn star/DJ/model/actress/singer/fashion designer/jewellery designer, as she fails at the next career path she chooses?”

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran for 4 seasons, including one in the UK and the UAE.

 

88. Tool Academy

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Tool Academy may not seem like a bad idea on the surface since it pertains to jerks reforming themselves. However, it also enforces the idea of “I can change him,” which doesn’t constitute as healthy relationship advice.

Station: Vh1

Premise: A bunch of self-centered jerks are tricked into entering a competition for the title of Mr. Awesome by their equally shallow girlfriends. But as it turns out, they’re really entering the Tool Academy to turn them into decent boyfriends through a series of instructional counseling sessions. Each week, one contestant is eliminated and their partner must chose to whether to stay or not. Last remaining contestant wins $100,000. As Metacritic says, “Think of is as a reform school for the men of Jersey Shore, which, now that we consider it, isn’t such a bad idea after all.”

Why It’s Stupid: Kind of promotes the idea of, “I can change him,” which is a very bad relationship notion. Also, 6 cast members from various seasons filmed porn videos for their website Reality Revealed, an offshoot of the gay porn website Straight College Men. Lawsuits ensued.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 3 seasons.

 

89. The Real Housewives of….

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Though The Real Housewives franchise has been a boon to Bravo, we have to acknowledge these women are technically socialites. Also, a lot of it’s scripted and demeans women in very nasty ways.

Station: Bravo

Premise: Documents the lives of several affluent housewives (actually socialites) residing in varying regions throughout the United States.

Why It’s Stupid: These shows really make women look bad by depicting them as shallow, spoiled bitches. As one blogger wrote, “I hate that Bravo has made these women – these disgusting examples of everything that is bad and wrong with our society – into minor (VERY minor) celebrities. They are all hopeless – and very difficult to watch.”  She then goes on saying, “I mean, who do these idiots think they are?? Before the show, they were nobodies! In my eyes, they still are – but you can’t pass a bad magazine as the check-out aisles of stores without seeing one of their faces on the cover. Ugh. It makes me shake with anger that these shows are still being watched.”

Did it Get Canceled?: These shows are still on.

 

90. Man vs. Wild

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Man vs. Wild made Bear Grylls an instant sensation on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean with his survivalist feats. However, it was later found that Grylls’ death defying acts on the show weren’t as impressive as portrayed. One scene consisted of him surviving a bear attack from a guy wearing a bear suit.

Station: Discovery Channel

Premise: Follows Bear Grylls left stranded in a region with his film crew and documents his efforts to survive and find a way back to civilization, usually requiring overnight shelter of some kind. Most of these are wild terrains like jungles, forests, or similar non-urban areas.

Why It’s Stupid: Let’s just say if you want to get tips to survive in the wild, you should probably watch The Hunger Games instead. That or reading stuff from survivalists. Because a UK Channel 4 conducted investigation in response to claims that some of Grylls’s stunts were set up by his production crew. Their findings revealed a long list of misleading information including instances where Grylls was staying in a hotel while claiming to be in the wild (like how the rest of us camp). One instance had Grylls shown trying to lasso a “wild” mustang in the Sierra Nevada that was actually tame and had been hired from a trekking station nearby. Another scene had a crew member wearing a bear suit to simulate a bear attack due to the inability to find a tame bear. One scene where Grylls is purported to have escaped from an active volcano by leaping across lava, avoiding poisonous sulfur dioxide gas was actually enhanced with special effects using hot coal and smoke machines. Then another episode gave viewers the impression that Grylls was a real life Robinson Crusoe stuck on a desert island when in reality he was on an outlying part of Hawaii where he spent the night in a motel.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran for 7 seasons.