Category Archives: Movies

The Cinematic Guide to Animal Husbandry

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Of course, everyone loves animals and they are frequently depicted in movies, particularly family films. However, if you’re thinking about getting a pet, don’t use the cinema as your guide. Sometimes you may see a movie in which animals get treated in ways that would be improper in real life, Or else would mean resulting in trips to the vet, arrests in animal abuse, or the sad untimely death of Scruffy. Common examples include feeding an animal something it shouldn’t eat, keeping it in improper conditions, or handling it in a way that would cause it great distress or even damage.  This doesn’t include examples on animal mistreatment shown on purpose. With that I list how to take care of animals, according to the movies.

1. The proper way to take care of goldfish is in a goldfish bowl. (Actually, they don’t live very long in goldfish bowls. You’re better off having it live in an aquarium or an artificial pond like deep water for swimming, lights to bask under, and some form of filtration. Same goes for turtles and other aquatic species.)

2. It’s all right to pick up to pick up an animal by it’s tail. (In regards to most animals, don’t ever do this. Tails are used for balance and aren’t strong enough safely hold an animal’s weight and can cause horrifying damage to its spine. And if it’s a cat or a dog, you might want to run because they hate it. As for lizards, you might not get a hold of it for long since it has a detachable tail. The only exception to this is a mouse but only at the tail’s base.)

3. Pulling a rabbit by the ears or the scruff of its neck won’t bring it any pain. (Oh, yes, it would and may cause the rabbit to squirm or panic. And an animal panicking is never a good thing. Besides, magicians hold up rabbits by the ears because it’s painful.)

4. It’s best to buy two hamsters and have it’s habitat with elaborate chambers so they could exercise and have a buddy. (Of course, there’s the Syrian hamster who’s a loner by nature. Pair two of them of the same sex and one will eventually kill the other. A male-female pair might work but chances are it would lead to the female continuously breeding until she dies of exhaustion. Oh, and this might lead to a “Trouble with Tribbles” meets Lord of the Flies situation as far as offspring are concerned. As with elaborate hamster habitats, you’re better off with a cage since they’re a pain to clean. A single hamster will only choose two or three places for its sleeping place and larder. The rest, it will visit and use as latrines.)

5. Feeding milk to adult mammals won’t bring any harm. (Humans are the only adult mammals capable of digesting milk since it’s the only species to possess a lactose tolerant mutation. Also, this mutation is only restricted to peoples who’ve had domestic cattle longer than recorded history {mostly in Europe and parts of Africa and Asia.} Most mammals lose their ability to digest lactose after weaning and will develop digestive problems if they have too much. With animals like cats, dogs, mice, and rats, it’s best to water it down before giving it to them depending on the breed or species. Yet, it’s not 100% effective. Otherwise they could experience an upset stomach, gas, diarrhea, and vomiting. Also, yogurt, goat’s milk, cheese, and cream are less harmful to cats.)

6. It’s all right to keep a piranha tank without a lid since it won’t jump out of a tank. (When kept as pets, they are notorious for jumping out of the to their deaths. Of course, villains want their enemies to suffer.)

7. Live insects are recommended for iguanas since they’re lizards. Most lizards eat bugs. (Unlike most lizards, iguanas are herbivores so you’re better off giving it leafy greens than insects.)

8. You won’t hurt an animal giving it chocolate. (Don’t ever feed your pet chocolate! This is especially true in dogs and cats {but cats just won’t be interested since they can’t taste sugar}. Humans metabolize theobromine much more quickly and efficiently than most animals. And for most animals, it’s very toxic and potentially fatal, especially dark chocolate. Still, don’t get alarmed if Fido gets a hold of a chocolate chip cookie. It’s the baking bars you have to worry about.)

9. A cat won’t attack you if you hold it from the scruff of its neck. (As long as you support its hind legs at the same time and know what you’re doing. Doing so may upset a cat or even strangle it which may result in it injuring itself or scratches on your face.)

10. Multiple species of fish will survive harmoniously in the same aquarium. (My Uncle Kirk does this but he’s owned fish for years and knows what fish would play well with which. This may be fine with some species, but many don’t thrive well with others. Some are too aggressive to be kept with other species, others don’t have the same tank requirements. Some may be prey for other fish. Many standard-size tanks in movies contain multiple species existing harmoniously that would more likely kill one another in real life. Still, do your research.)

11. Always feed your fish standard fish food once a day. (It’s recommended to feed your fish at least 2-3 small meals daily. Still, there are many pet fish that require a specialized diet especially if their species exist in the wild. You might want to stick to goldfish for they take pellets and don’t require much taking care of {one I brought home from school lived for 4 years.})

12. No harm can come to a pufferfish puffing up since it does this to frighten predators in the wild. (True puffers do this in the wild for scaring predators, but puffing up causes severe stress to the animal and could shorten its lifespan. Also, can seriously injure itself or die doing this.)

13. Since snakes are deaf, it’s okay to be a loud around them. (Snakes can hear just not like most animals do {through their jaws}, and loud noises can cause severe stress in them so heavy metal fans shouldn’t own one.)

14. A frog slipping out a person’s hand will land safely to the ground. (Some frogs can safely land on the ground from a certain distance. However, what you’d most likely hear if drops a frog is a loud SPLAT! followed by an unstoppable cry by a traumatized small child if one’s around. As for the visual, let’s say if you felt like passing out after having to dissect a frog in high school, you don’t want to know.)

15. Always feed your snake live food. (While snakes do swallow their food live in the wild, it’s debatable whether this is humane. However, it’s generally recommended pet snakes should be fed frozen food to the benefit of both animal and owner. Feeding live food is considered dangerous to both snake and owner. On the snake’s, the live prey will still struggle to escape and can cause injury to the animal. For the owners, feeding live food can trigger the snake’s hunting instincts making it more aggressive an more likely to bite. And if the snake is venomous, chances are, you’ll be in the ER and don’t expect the anti-venom to completely restore you, which I talked about in another post. Not to mention, your pet venomous snake can kill you if presented with live food so you should probably stick to frozen there.)

16. A bloated snake is a happy snake. (This is a serious health concern which might require immediate veterinary attention. Feeding a snake too much at one time could rupture its stomach. Snakes can die from overeating. A biweekly frozen rat is plenty.)

17. You can make a carnivorous pet turn vegan or vegetarian. (This can only be pulled off on dogs and only with special supplements and close monitoring. This shouldn’t be tried with a help of a vet. Attempting this obligate carnivores that need proteins found in flesh to survive like cats and ferrets will all ensure the animal’s death by starvation, even if it eats the food. In this case, trying to get an obligate carnivorous pet to go vegan or vegetarian is animal cruelty, which will never be shown on the Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercials. Still, if you’re a veggie who thinks meat is murder even if it’s by housepets that are natural predators, just stick to herbivorous pets. Simple as that. At least with them, you don’t have worry about them going vegan.)

18. Tapping aquarium glass won’t hurt the fish. (Oh, yes it can! Don’t ever do this! You can easily make Sparky and Flounder eligible for a flushing sendoff this way. Sound travels faster through water and glass so while a small glass tap may not be much noise to us, it would certainly be like a sonic boom to them.)

19. Allowing a bird to eat out of your mouth won’t hurt it. (Human saliva is extremely toxic to birds. Besides, you might get pecked in return. Also, this is disgusting.)

20. Cats can survive a large dosage of sleeping pills. (This could kill people, let alone a cat.)

21. Always feed your rabbits lettuce an carrots. (A diet consisting only of these two foods could kill rabbits. Not to mention, lettuce contains a substance highly toxic to rabbits which makes feeding the vegetable like giving a person arsenic. You may want to use both in small quantities. They mostly eat hay and grass. Iceberg lettuce is not good for guinea pigs while romaine is fine while it’s considered junk food to tortoises.)

22. Always bait a mouse trap with cheese. (You’re better off baiting a mouse trap with something a mouse normally eats like grains or nuts. Cheese is too soft for them and will only eat it if starving to death. And by then, your grain supplies would already be depleted for a long time. Best to use peanut butter instead. Yet, rats are a different story when it comes to cheese and cats basically adore it.)

23. It’s perfectly fine to let goats eat garbage ranging from paper, tin cans, and other metal. (Goats may chew on a tin can but will not actually eat it. They may eat paper labels though since it’s mostly organic. Still, this was based on a misinterpetation. Anyone who’s worked with goats will tell you this is bullshit. Not to mention, the Army and a lot of landscaping businesses use goats for lawn maintenance.)

24. You can tame most wild animals and keep them as pets. (Well, only if you’ve raised them as babies. And if successful, they will only be docile around people they know. Still, except for people who work with animals, no one should ever try doing this. Those who try to tame wild animals, may end up getting attacked or possibly killed. Also, expensive to raise, takes a lot of time to housebreak, and isn’t really good for the animal. Sure a pet lion may be cool but not worth the effort.)

25. You can keep a stray wolf-dog hybrid as a house pet. (First generation wolfdogs are notoriously unpredictable and aggressive even with feral dogs. I mean there’s a legitimate reason why Balto didn’t have much socialization with dogs and humans in the first place. As a side note, the real Balto was a trained Husky {maybe even a Malamute} so the movie lied to us.)

26. You can treat any animal like a dog. (No you can’t. Horses are especially seen being treated like this in movies being taught to sit, stay, and everything.)

27. You can make friends with animals by feeding them. (Why the hell do I see signs that say Do Not Feed the Animals? I mean they have these signs for a reason! Besides, feeding them may make things worse for you or your family.)

28. Feral dogs can be trusted around small children. (For God’s sake stray dogs should never be around little kids regardless of breed. Unsocialized dogs are quite dangerous, though easier to tame than never domesticated species as long as you know what you’re doing. Remember, “the dingo ate my baby.”)

29. If you see a wild animal in distress, it’s best to help them since they will repay you. (Depends on the circumstance and on the animal. Also, depends on your expertise with animals. If you’re a park ranger, zookeeper, or vet, then be my guest. If you don’t know whether you should, just leave it be. A wounded animal can be just as hostile as a healthy one. If it’s frothing at the mouth, just don’t go there since it may mean rabies. Still, be aware results may vary.)

3o. You can get woodland creatures to be your servants and do your chores. (Sorry, Disney, but wild animals don’t work that way and are more likely to make a mess indoors.)

The Cinematic Guide to Law

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Ah, the law, what would we be without it? Of course, the rule of law has the power to either put criminals in or let them go free. May not always be fair but tries to be. Now I’ve never been in a courtroom (though I’ve been in the Pennsylvania State House for a quiz bowl tournament), nor served on a jury. It may not always work out in the way we want it to but it always tries to be fair even if those working in it don’t seem to be so. Still, it is a very tricky subject since laws are different from certain jurisdictions. Yet, we should all know it doesn’t work like it does in Hollywood movies. And I’ve seen plenty of movies based in a courtroom and pertaining to crime since law and crime both go together. So before you can raise any objections, Allow me to list the inconsistencies (for this, I’m going to use US Law unless otherwise):

1. Almost every legal system and court procedure is basically similar in every developed country. (In Hollywood, being in a courtroom in a foreign country is like attending Catholic Mass. Sure there may be some small differences like a powdered wig and different language, but is mostly conducted in the same formula like in a Catholic Mass. Of course, in the legal arena, most movie court procedures and legal systems in developed nations work in the same way as they do in the United States. Actually, this is really not the case. For instance, you don’t have the right to remain silent in England, you don’t have a right to be tried by a jury in the UK, and you didn’t have the right to be legally represented during questioning in France before 2011. Also, British judges don’t use gavels, German attorneys don’t say “Objection!”, and very few countries outside the US use plea bargaining.)

2. Litigations usually take days and most of it happens in court. (Real litigation takes months and almost none of it happens in court. In fact, it’s preferable if most legal disputes are settled out of court and most guilty parties take a plea bargain. Court proceedings are best to be avoided because it costs money and used as a last resort.)

3. Bail is an easy way to skip a future trial and possible sentencing. (Hollywood tends to treat bail as a Get Out of Jail Fee option. It’s actually not quite the case. When an accused is released on bail, he or she is making a promise to show up for trial and won’t go to jail unless convicted. Those who can’t pay bail will remain in prison until trial. Those demonstrated as likely to flee the court are denied bail and will stay in prison until trial.)

4. All prisoners are convicted criminals. (Well, we may think that way, but it’s not exactly the case. Of course, all prisoners are in there on something related to a crime but not all are convicted for it. Sure many prisoners were convicted of crimes but many prisoners in the United States basically plead guilty and took a plea bargain sentence.Then there are some prisoners who are in jail just for being accused of a crime and are waiting for their case to be tried, which could take years. Of course, this group of prisoners weren’t released on bail simply because they couldn’t make it or it was denied. Then there are kids in juvenile detention who are in there because they were wards of the state and had no other place to go.)

5. Criminal proceedings start almost immediately after the suspect’s arrest. (Actually, other than bail and plea bargaining, most criminal proceedings don’t usually start until months after the arrest, sometimes years.People have spent years in jail awaiting trial.)

6. In murder investigations usually have a chalk outline of the victim’s body at a crime scene. (Sorry, Jerry Seinfeld, but chalk outline guy doesn’t exist. Using chalk could contaminate the area, making the investigation much more difficult. And investigators want as little contamination as possible. Besides, there are photographers who take pictures of the crime scene before the body is carried to the coroner’s office.)

7. Most lawyers work in both civil and criminal cases, with latter doing both prosecution and defense. (Actually there are many lawyers that do like Johnny Cochrane but most small towns have at least one lawyer who does one and/or the other but usually at small stakes like what Atticus Finch does. Yet, if such cases involve serious crimes or large sums of money, they usually go to someone who specializes in that area. And most US jurisdictions usually have prosecutors working for the state.)

8. The accused has a right to one phone call upon arrest to anyone at all. (If you are arrested and are guaranteed access to legal counsel, any outside communication is a privilege that can be witheld or given. However, most police officers allow suspects make as many phone calls as they like to whoever they please since such conversations can be recorded as evidence.)

9. Police can do a strip or deep cavity search on anyone. (These procedures are only reserved for people with reasonable suspicion of smuggling either drugs or weapons and are limited to such.)

10. Old people can be involuntarily committed to a retirement home for whacking a guy over the head with a cane who was struggling with him over his mailbox. (For one, involuntary commitment to a retirement home is something only a person’s next of kin can do. Since Carl from Up has no next to kin to speak of, he probably wouldn’t be sent to a retirement home unless if it was by his own accord. In fact, this would more likely happen to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino since he has two sons and four grandchildren. Could be prosecuted or sued for assault but probably wouldn’t be. Second, tampering with a mailbox is a federal crime.)

11. When wrongfully accused or convicted of a crime, it’s okay to go on the lam until you’re exonerated. Even though you may commit other crimes along the way, all will be forgiven. (You should never go on the lam if wrongfully accused of a crime. No should you go around committing other crimes prior to exoneration either because they may come back to bite you. Also, Harrison Ford could’ve just gotten a better defense attorney and should’ve least gotten off on his wife’s phone call alone which pretty much exonerates him from the crime.)

12. You won’t be charged with killing someone if you were falsely convicted for his or her murder before. (Actually killing that person will result in getting your previous conviction reversed and then eligible for prosecution on a new murder charge. So, Ashley Judd, hunting your husband down in another city and killing him there isn’t really a good idea, especially if you’re on parole. Also, it doesn’t help if you commit burglary, theft, destruction of property, escape from custody, assault on a law enforcement officer, unlicensed possession of a firearm, transporting an unlicensed weapon across state lines, and assault with intent to kill. Man, you should’ve sought your husband out with his picture and a camera just to prove that he’s still alive. Yet, you ended up screwing your chances.)

13. It is easy to convict an innocent person and might have to serve a harsh sentence even if it’s for a legitimate but otherwise minor offense. (Sure innocent people do get wrongfully convicted but not at the frequency in Hollywood movies. And even if an innocent person is convicted on some minor offense, he or she will not serve a harsh sentence.  If there’s an incident where there is a massive railroading of innocent people in the legal system, then the authorities will start getting suspicious of judicial corruption akin to the “Cash for Kids” scandal. Racism can also play a factor.)

14. A ruthless criminal can be released on a meaningless bureaucratic procedure slip up despite being proven absolutely guilty of the heinous crime in question. (Well, not as often as many would think. A ruthless criminal will not get off on a “technicality” which will typically be overruled as a harmless error anyway like a spelling mistake. Yet, it is possible for a criminal to be let off on “loopholes” regarding serious policy concerns such as sloppy police work, vague legal definitions, or serious rights violations by police and prosecutors. Then there are some exceptions such as the “good faith exception” {police believing they were operating legally despite illegally obtaining evidence}, independent source {police discovered the same evidence through other legal means}, or inevitable discovery {police would’ve found the evidence legally anyway so it’s left in}. So a ruthless serial killer would be less likely to escape justice in real life than Hollywood would suggest. As for white collar criminals, well, they’ll probably get off due to having money for a good lawyer.)

15. Witnesses are called from the courtroom audience to the stand. (Witnesses aren’t permitted to attend the trial or even talk to other witnesses about the case before they testify. Witnesses can only sit in for the rest of the trial after they finish their testimony and it’s agreed they will not be called back. Calling a prosecutor to the stand is possible if a judge allows it but is almost never done.)

16. You can walk out of the courtroom free if your insanity defense works. (Unless it’s temporary insanity, you’ll probably walk out of court accompanied by a couple of burly orderlies of a mental institution. Whether you walk out free is at the discretion of a psychologist or psychiatrist. Only used less than 1% of all criminal case in the US and successful 25% of the time more or less. Also, in 20 states and under US Federal law getting off on insanity may mean prison time if “cured” of mental illness. And those who get off on insanity your time in a mental institution may be longer (like twice as long) than your normal sentence would be nor is it more comfortable or safer than prison. Those deemed criminally insane will be separated from everyone else, and no, they aren’t easier to break out of. So unless you’re facing the death penalty in a murder case, it’s not worth it. Now I can see why so many mentally ill people wind up in prison.)

17. Not having a motive proves your innocence and no longer makes you a suspect. (Only lawyers and jurors care about motive since it may have importance in sentencing or at if the crime was done in intent or by accident. However, to criminal investigators, motive is of minimal importance.)

18. Wrongful conviction can get you out of jail as long as you’re looking for the people who successfully framed you. (You’d be in jail and besides motives aren’t very relevant in the legal system. At best, you’d probably be serving a lesser sentence of involuntary manslaughter if convicted for murder.)

19. The reading of the will always happens after the funeral. (That usually doesn’t happen. Rather, the executor, spouse, or next of kin usually calls the deceased’s lawyer to see about the will. The lawyer and executor meet and take the will through probate court. Unless you’re a beneficiary wanting to see it, the lawyer, or the executor, you’ll probably never see it. As a beneficiary, you might receive a check, be told it’s your inheritance, and sign a receipt. Also, the will doesn’t really mean a great deal as the probate does. And if a will’s contested, it’ll probably be ignored so don’t hesitate to kill anyone over it even if you’re disinherited for “reasons you’re aware of.”)

20. You’ll be read your Miranda Rights when you’re arrested. (Actually, they can be read between the time you’re arrested and the time you’re interrogated, depending on crime or jurisdiction. Not to mention, it doesn’t get you out of providing a DNA sample.)

21. If a wrongly accused defendant is on trial, it’s very likely a witness may have actually done the crime. (Only a slim percentage of felonies make it to trial and the pre-trial process takes years. Also, if a witness actually did the crime, it’s exceptionally rare in a trail case and would’ve been found out by investigators long before the case ever made it to trial in the first place. Not to mention, the defense doesn’t really need to find the “real culprit” to win, just establish reasonable doubt. Still, criminal accomplices frequently turn on each other for reduced sentencing so they can testify against the defendant.)

22. Only a guilty person will ask for an attorney or call for his or her own. (You are always entitled to legal counsel regardless of whether you committed the crime and wanting a lawyer doesn’t make you guilty by default. Any sane person accused of a crime would do this.)

23. Acceptable courtroom behavior for lawyers: badgering witnesses, accusing witnesses, asking questions regardless whether the previous ones are answered, make inflammatory assumptions facts aren’t in evidence, introducing conspiracy theories, bullying a witness into confession, turning a courtroom into a circus, enter a plea change without the client’s consent, and other courtroom antics. (Many of these can put a lawyer in contempt of court, removal from case, or possibly disbarred. Also, may cause the judge to declare a mistrial. Not to mention, judges usually have different levels of tolerance so any smart lawyer would know what he or she could get away with when it comes to a particular judge.)

24. Accepted behavior for criminal investigators: using enhanced interrogation methods on suspects, destroying property to obtain information, badgering and verbally abusing suspects, psychologically manipulating suspects into confession, assuming a suspect’s guilt without a concrete reason, denying medical attention and legal counsel to suspects, and other things. (These are reasons why the law is used to protect criminals. Also, many of these are technically illegal and can result in a cop being kicked off the force.)

25. Evidence or testimony exonerating or condemning the defendant can be introduced to the trial at the last minute. (This can happen but rarely does. Still, both sides must make available all evidence they tend to use before the trial {except in the case of the defense which is actively barred from sharing possibly incriminating evidence}. Still, all witnesses and evidence must be approved by the court before used. In civil suits, both sides must turn over properly requested evidence without exception.)

26. It’s all right for a jury or judge to exonerate a defendant if accused of breaking a law that sucks or is just plain unfair or unjust. (Jury nullification is perjury which jurors have sworn against. They are sworn to reach a verdict according to existing laws. Not to mention, this undermines the separation of powers since judging the laws is the legislature or Congress’s job. Not that they’re good at it anyway these days.)

27. You can sue a firearms manufacturer for criminal misuse of their products. (Thanks to Congress, this isn’t currently possible. Still, doesn’t mean it should. But then again using guns to kill is kind of the point.)

28. Mistreatment of a suspect results in automatic acquittal, regardless of undeniable evidence. (It doesn’t. Coerced confessions are just excluded from evidence but the suspect can still be tried on what’s admissible.)

29. Income tax evasion is a state crime. (It’s a federal crime. Anyone who’s taken a social studies course would know that.)

30. Polygraph testimony can be used as admissible evidence. (It can’t, because people have passed polygraph tests despite lying while others failed despite telling the truth. In short, it’s not reliable.)

31. Police interrogations last as long as a therapy session. (They can last for hours or days and aren’t really that exciting since they involve a boring question and answer session in an attempt to wear the suspect down. Aggressive tactics are rarely used.)

32. Good defense lawyers only defend innocent clients. (They also defend guilty ones, too. Part of the job. Prosecutors go after any defendant regardless of guilt or innocence because that’s the job description.)

33. A member of a jury can conduct his or her own investigation and bringing a weapon into the jury room. (These are examples of serious juror misconduct. Juror #8 should’ve been replaced and charged.)

34. Only white men served on a US jury between 1920 and 1970. (Only in some parts of the country like in the South. Still, there are more diverse juries in Old Hollywood movies. Maybe 12 Angry Men had something to do with this.)

35. The system is useless in protecting victims of society. (Sometimes but Hollywood mostly exaggerates this.)

36. A judge can simply order a jury switch without the parties’ consent during a trial. (No judge can call a jury the parties’ didn’t select before the trial. If the jury falls to corruption, the judge can simply declare a mistrial and the process starts all over again.)

37. Cops can threaten to use lethal force against suspects. (This is mostly forbidden in most police departments. Not to mention, a cop shooting anyone in the line of duty results in suspension and internal affairs investigation.)

38. Frivolous lawsuits are almost always brought to court. (Most frivolous lawsuits are simply thrown out of court. Also, when suit is filed, lawyers have to make reasonable inquiries before pursuit. As for frivolous lawsuits, don’t use the one about the old lady who burned herself after spilling coffee at McDonald’s, she actually did have reasonable clout to sue.)

39. Making a citizen’s arrest is illegal. (Actually it is but like acting as your own attorney, not highly recommended.)

40. Executions happen right after the judge imposes death sentence. (Most convicts on death row stay there for years, perhaps decades. Also, many of them try to commute their sentence to life in prison through the appeals process which takes years and costs millions of taxpayer money. Many people oppose the death penalty on the basis that letting a criminal spend life in prison is actually cheaper than executing one.)

41. A lawyer using “disregard that statement” is only being polite when the opposing attorney objects. (Saying this might cause a lawyer to get disbarred.)

42. You can be put in jail for killing someone in self-defense. (Well, unjustifiably, but if self defense is proven, you get off on justifiable homicide or on “shoot first” laws if it involves a firearm and firing first, unfortunately. God, Zimmerman should’ve went to jail for manslaughter at least and shouldn’t have been allowed to own a gun {I mean he’s had previous run ins with cops and a domestic restraining order}. Yet, you can go to jail for firing a warning shot at an attacker, since it counts use of deadly force even if you didn’t intend to hit him or her. And not intending to hit the person is considered evidence you didn’t actually fear for your life. So if Zimmerman fired at Trayvon Martin and missed, he’d be in jail. Shit.)

43. Restraining orders are either ineffective or nonexistent. (They do exist and do work. A legal order for a person to stay away or face arrest is pretty effective. Still, why women in movies don’t file restraining orders against their abusive husbands is beyond me.)

44. You won’t get punished for taking the law into your own hands if the notorious criminal who wronged you goes free. (Uh, yes, you can and you probably will. In the real world, two wrongs don’t make a right.)

45. No one can testify for or against their spouse accused of a crime. (Spouses actually could if they wish to do so. They just can’t be forced to, as a spousal privilege, even if the couple later divorce. In other words, spouses can testify but they can’t be subpoenaed in cases involving his or her partner. Still, spousal privileged is suspended if both partners are on opposite sides.)

Love and Relationships According to the Movies

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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At twenty-three, I’ve never had a boyfriend for some reason or another. Of course, for someone like me living in the country, you don’t have many options and most people at my age have other priorities like school or career. Yet, I’ve had guys who were interested in me as well as had my own crushes but these were few and far between. But even in the best of circumstances, something usually goes wrong. Still, though I’ve never really been in a dating relationship in my life, I know enough about the subject to figure out that romance in the movies doesn’t necessarily hold to the real thing in very obvious ways. And in some cases what could be a gesture of true love in the movies can translate as disturbing behavior in real life or even get you arrested. So here is a comprehensive list:

1. Women always have to be pretty and young to get the guy while men don’t need to be either. (There are plenty of ugly and older women who do find husbands and have longer marriages than many Hollywood celebrities. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and looks only go skin deep. An attractive woman may have more options but her looks won’t necessarily guarantee that she’ll find true love or happiness or even make a good partner. Not to mention, most men usually marry women close to their own age anyway even in their thirties. So if a woman is still single and in her 30s, it doesn’t put her in a relationship dead zone. Still, almost every actress you see portrayed as a love interest is a young and attractive actress while the guy doesn’t need to be so.)

2. No woman is happy with a man who isn’t less successful than she is. (Though there are some women who do go after so-called “alpha males” most women would rather be with men who love and respect them for themselves as well as are nice people in general. Financially, most women are more concerned with a guy’s relationship to money than what he makes. More marriages have ended in divorce over poor money management than lack of income. Besides, these days most women aren’t really looking for a man who can financially provide or support them anyway. A financially trustworthy beta male will do just fine.)

3. A woman’s career success will hurt her relationship with her man. (Many guys may not be comfortable dating or being married to someone more successful than them, but most of them will try and learn to adjust. Sometimes a woman’s successful career can help her in relationship or perhaps save her marriage. Plenty of men are happily married to women more successful than they are. And there are plenty of famous examples of successful women having happy marriages like Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mitchell, Annie Oakley, Nancy Pelosi, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, and the list goes on. So, ladies, despite what Hollywood says, career success won’t cost you your man, in most cases. And if it does, then he probably wasn’t good enough for you to begin with or you just got too caught up in it which could happen to men, too. Also, a lot of career women lose their men but not always because of it.)

4. A damsel in distress will fall in love with the first guy who rescues or tries to help her while he reciprocates her feelings. (If this was true 100% of the time I bet male rescue workers, cops, and medical personnel would have girls and women swarming at them. Though this might happen sometimes, for many people, saving others is their job and a lot of them usually already have a significant other or a family while others may not make good partners to begin with. Those who are rescued may also have a significant other as well. Still, no one should expect these people to fall in love with them or vice versa. Being saved from danger doesn’t lead to romance most of the time, especially if the rescuer is an obese cop with a wife and family.)

5. Hooking up under the influence is a good way to meet someone. (A drunken hookup with a stranger may be a good way to have an “accident,” yet it’s a terrible way to meet someone, especially if it’s the future co-parent of your child who may be the unexpected result of such encounter. For one, the stranger you sleep with may have issues with alcohol, which isn’t a good sign at all. Second, drunken hookups aren’t 100% consensual since anyone intoxicated is in no condition to give any consent. So having sex with someone who’s drunk is will less likely lead you true love and more likely to jail as a sex offender. Even more so if roofies are involved. Yet, in movies, drunken hookups seem to happen all the time and no one seems to feel violated and no one gets arrested. Drunk sex in real life just don’t work that way. So if you see someone who’s drunk, don’t have sex with them because it’s rape.)

6. Women like men with plenty of sexual experience while men prefer women with none. (Sexual experience is mostly irrelevant in relationships and while there are many who marry as virgins, there are plenty who don’t. So having pre-marital sex isn’t going to hurt anyone’s chances, as long as it’s in a monogamous relationship, even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. And there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin either, even if you’re a guy. However, having a sexual history like Casanova isn’t an attractive quality for either sex. Of course, we all know the kind of stigma against women having pre-marital sex and slut shaming so I don’t have to go into detail. Yet, women don’t really like players either, at least as husbands anyway and for good reason. After all, what woman wants to marry a man who may have a bunch undiagnosed STDs and a closet full of paternity suits? Nobody.)

7. No matter how much of a jerk he is, if he’s charming, handsome, likeable, and dresses nice, chances are he’ll end up with the leading lady by the end. (Of course, Cary Grant from His Girl Friday comes to my mind for no matter how much he tortures Ralph Bellamy to get Rosiland Russell back, you just can’t hate the man. And Cary Grant was such an awful person in that movie like trying to get his ex-wife’s fiance arrested with a hooker. Still, no guy can get away with all that in real life no matter how irresistible he is.)

8. No matter how crazy she is, if she’s pretty, fun-loving, rich, and/or sweet as can be, chances are she’ll end up with the leading man by the end. (In this, I’m talking about Katharine Hepburn in Bringing Up Baby who basically acts however she pleases like stealing other people’s cars, teeing off on other people’s golf balls, and shanghaiing Cary Grant to Connecticut with the help from a leopard named Baby. She also takes his clothes as well as make a further mess of things sometimes by accident and sometimes not. And all in a span of two days with one being a day he’s set to marry someone else. Nevertheless, she ends up with him in the end and they live happily ever after while the brontosaurus skeleton just falls apart {then again, brontosauruses never really existed}. Still, in real life, she’d probably get away with at least some of her antics anyway since she’s rich, but I don’t think most guys will pick a girl who puts them in a possible life-threatening situation. Girls who do that usually get restraining orders.)

9. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. (Most bullshit relationship advice ever. People who love each other always say they’re sorry when they’ve been wrong. It’s common courtesy, dammit!)

10. If you love someone, don’t give up the chase even if the object of your affections repeatedly rejects you and/or is seeing someone else. If you persist, chances are he or she will fall for you eventually. (This is only okay if you’re fully aware that the object of your affections is actually interested in you. In this case, your love interest is only rejecting you as a way of playing hard to get or other reasons so persistence isn’t going to hurt you, which he or she will encourage. And the person will let you know if he or she is into you {which won’t be hard to figure out}. However, this is the only scenario in where persistence  is okay since it’s giving what the other person wants, even if he or she’s going to reject you anyway. Yet, if you’re not sure the other person is interested beyond reasonable doubt, best not to persist, especially if he or she is seeing someone else. Yet, if you think you have a reasonable chance, it’s all right to ask again, but if he or she rejects twice without showing any apparent sign of interest, best leave it be. Everybody falls victim to mixed signals now and then. But if the other person has made it clear he or she isn’t interested and/or is with someone, don’t press it or try to do anything to get him or her to fall in love with you. In fact, repeated persistence in this situation won’t help your chances and may result in a restraining order or other law enforcement action. However, Hollywood keeps perpetuating this myth.)

11. It’s only natural for nice guys to feel entitled to date women they want, especially if they’re willing to be their friend and treat them with respect. And if their desired women reject them for someone else, it’s their fault. (Sure some nice guys may finish last in the dating world but a guy who feels entitled to any girl he wants just because he’s nice to her isn’t a nice guy. He’s just another kind of asshole and complete phony only pretending to be nice to get into a girl’s pants. Genuine nice guys aren’t like this. Sure they may be flawed but a genuine nice guy is a decent person who treats everyone with respect and doesn’t feel he needs a prize in basic decency. Also, a genuine nice guy respects women’s decisions even if they’re not in his favor or suit her best interest. And they don’t befriend women in order to date or sleep with them either. Real nice guys don’t care if they finish last.)

12. Women are drawn to bad boys, especially younger women and teenagers. (Of course, the Hollywood “bad boy” archetype who girls tend to be attracted to doesn’t win girls just by being bad and doesn’t really turn out that bad to begin with. For instance, James Dean’s characters in East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause are troubled teenagers with serious issues at best but turn out as fundamentally decent people. So maybe it is true to some extent that girls like the bad boys, just as long as they’re attractive and aren’t total jerks. However, there are plenty of bad boys out there who aren’t attractive and aren’t so nice. And by “bad,” I mean like criminally inclined, not good as friends, maybe not too mentally stable, abusive/physically violent, might have trouble keeping a legal job, and will more likely interested in the physical {sexual} aspect of a relationship than anything else. And probably not concerned with fidelity either. So even if the bad boys get the girls, they’re more prone to divorce, prison, or a restraining order. So to say that women want bad boys is to be badly mistaken in some ways.)

13. The love of/for a good person can reform someone who’s bad. (Well, maybe loving another person can make someone terrible not seem so bad but it’s not going to him or her change right off the bat if at all. In most relationships, if they were bad people when you met them, they’ll be bad when you marry them. And most people who believe this have a good chance of getting divorced, filing for a restraining order, as well as other legal actions.)

14. It’s all right to sacrifice everything for the one you love (like your career, friends, values, and/or sense of identity.) If your beloved doesn’t like a certain thing about you whether it be in appearance or what not, change it. (Really? How many movies have I seen this in? Look, this has been done time and time again in both Grease and Vertigo and such notion is utterly full of crap. Sure love requires some sacrifice but you shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice everything you hold dear for another person’s love. No one is worth that. And if your partner is unsatisfied with a certain aspect of yourself {that isn’t a problem}, just tell him or her to accept it or leave it. Those who truly love you, will usually accept while those who leave it didn’t really love you in the first place. Love may entail sacrifice and growing up to some extent but you should also think for yourself, too. Don’t sacrifice or change everything.)

15. Stalking, withholding sex, kidnapping, forcing yourself, isolating your beloved from others, exhibiting high levels of jealousy and possessiveness, breaking and entering, exhibiting controlling behavior, threatening with violence, and other forms of abuse are acceptable relationship behaviors. (For God’s sake, some of these things will earn you a prison rap sheet or restraining order. Oh, why Hollywood, why do you portray such behavior as romantic? It’s not!)

16. It’s perfectly all right to marry someone you’ve known for less than a month. (Happens a lot in movies before the 1960s for two reasons. For one, the wretched Hays Code and a quick elopement is probably the most acceptable way to get the couple having a sexual relationship {unless if the plot revolves around having an out of wedlock baby which in this case, the bio dad will be killed, lost, reunited with family, or having to assume care over a kid he didn’t know he had}. Second, helps drive the plot faster since most movie couples rush to the altar quicker than couples in real life. However, a whirlwind romance is something that shouldn’t be advised even if he or she is The One and you two are perfectly compatible. No need to hurry, just wait for a few months or even a year to make sure you’d really want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Let me just say that an unmarried couple living for 5 years is less likely to get divorced than a couple who’ve gotten hitched after knowing each other for like an hour.)

17. Playing hard to get will surely land you the object of your affections. Being open and forward about your feelings may cause the other person to lose interest. (Maybe, but please don’t make it impossible and don’t go too far, don’t hurt the other person’s feelings, and don’t give the other person unnecessary crap. And if the other person knows you’re playing hard to get and doesn’t like it, you might want to stop and admit it flat out. And even if you do, the other person will probably not lose interest and may even be happy you did. Also, playing hard to get may have a tendency to backfire since it might cause the other person to pass you aside in frustration, be deeply hurt, assume you’re not into him or her and move on, decide persistence isn’t worth it since you’ll reject him or her every single time regardless of feelings, may be afraid to ask again in fear of rejection, or even lose interest in you. Honestly, you don’t want to go too far with it.)

18. When things don’t work out in a relationship, run to the nearest airport where your estranged partner will realize his or her mistake minutes before the plane takes off, jump into a taxi, and despite post 9/11 security provisions will make it to the gate to stop you from taking your flight and profess his or her undying love for you. (You’ll be gone by the time your true love makes it to the gate, especially with the post 9/11 TSA provisions. If you don’t want your estranged partner to leave you forever, call before he or she ever decides to board that plane.)

19. To begin a stable relationship with a person who is ready for commitment, interrupt his or her beautiful ceremony to another person and declare your love. Running away with them also helps. (Sorry, Benjamin Braddock, but ruining a wedding is the last thing you want to do, even if your beloved is marrying someone else. Besides, calling off a wedding is emotionally harrowing and those who experienced this may need time to sort out their feelings before embarking on a new relationship. This is especially true if one of the couple dies before the wedding. If you want to declare your love for someone who’s marrying someone else, declare your love for him or her before the wedding, preferably when the wedding is in the planning stages. If he or she’s planning to marry in a Catholic Church, you’ll have at least 3 to 6 months time when the banns are posted so don’t waste any time.)

20. Becoming accidentally pregnant by a relative stranger will result in you bonding and falling in love with the person who knocked you up and inevitably you will have the family of your dreams. (Jesus Christ, Judd Apatow! Look, ladies, just because the guy may be your kid’s biological father doesn’t mean you should marry him. And just because he fathered the kid doesn’t mean he should raise it with you. In fact, he may not be a good partner to you or a good father to your kid. It’s said unplanned pregnancies outside of marriage are probably the single biggest way not to guarantee a happy ending with that person. Besides, you or the other person may already be married anyway. Still, a great stepdad or no dad is better for your kid than a shitty biological one.)

21. Some hookers have hearts of gold and are very much relationship material. (I’m not so sure about that, Richard Gere. What I can say is that though there may be some hookers with hearts of gold and that it’s possible to find true love with a prostitute, doesn’t mean pursuing a relationship with one is a good idea. Of course, many prostitutes and johns use condoms but many of them do have their share in STDs. Is true love with a hooker worth getting something like Hepatitis A-C, genital herpes,  crabs, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, syphilis, trichomoniasis, and AIDS? On a side note to parents, if your son ever thinks of being involved with a hooker, please get them the HPV vaccine or at  least talk to them about the possible risk. Still, anyone who’s been in a high school health class can tell you that pursuing a relationship with a prostitute is a bad idea.)

22. Good sex cures all relationship issues. (Good sex be important in a relationship but it’s not going to save it if you or your partner are unsuitable for such a relationship or downright abusive, especially if he or she’s anything like Stanley Kowalski.)

23. If you want your love back, do a grand romantic gesture like secretly filling her office with roses or standing in the rain with a boombox. That way the object of your affections will realize that he or she loves you, too. (This may seem romantic in movies, but in real life, this comes off as desperate and pathetic, if you’re lucky. If not, then actively deranged, idiotic, or obnoxious. This is especially a bad idea if he or she’s not attracted to you in the first place. In this case, you’re just wasting your money and don’t understand how relationships work in the real world. And if he or she doesn’t like you, chances are the object of your affections will be filing a restraining order or be calling the cops. If he or she does like you, then perhaps you should try something called talking or spending time with that person, especially if you make that grand romantic gesture. If you don’t make any effort to spend time with that person or communicate or try playing hard to get, you might risk breaking the other person’s heart.)

24. If you’re dating a terrible person, it’s okay to have a once in a lifetime romance in a random hookup with a stranger while on vacation. (Well, it’s not like Kate Winslet had any choice marrying a complete bastard but still, hooking up with Leonardo DiCaprio is probably not a good idea. Then again, at least she wasn’t like Paul Henreid doing the same with Bette Davis and he was married with two kids. Then there’s An Affair to Remember where you have Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr hooking up despite both of them being in a relationship with someone else who aren’t terrible or even make them unhappy. Still, even if you’re in a terrible relationship with someone, cheating on him or her while on vacation is perhaps the worst dating advice of all time. For one, it can lead to STDs, unplanned pregnancies, or paternity suits. Vacation adultery isn’t a good idea at all. Bad enough hooking up with a random stranger while single.)

25. Dressing up in drag might make you attractive to people within your own sex. (That is, if you’re in gay bar or pull off the disguise convincingly. Still, though I could believe Charles Durning’s attraction to Dustin Hoffman’s Dorothy in Tootsie, I can’t see how any straight man would hook up with Jack Lemmon  or Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot. Really, they don’t look any more like women than John Cleese wearing a dress and wig.)

26. There’s nothing illogical with making the life altering decision to spend the rest of your life with a total stranger who doesn’t know exist. (Really, Meg Ryan? Flying across country to be with the one you love is one thing, but a life-altering decision nevertheless. Flying across country to meet a total stranger you hear on the radio who doesn’t even know you exist? Are you out of your fucking mind? Not only is it stupid, it’s also dangerous and basically makes you a stalker.)

27. Women are man crazy hellions with a ticking biological clock and urge to rush in a committed relationship with a man. (Some women don’t want to get married and/or have kids while others are lesbians. Also, no, real women don’t act like women in romantic comedies. Really? Hollywood, I may love romantic comedies {when well done anyway} but please don’t portray women like this. It’s sexist, honestly. We’re not all wedding or baby crazy bitches or obsessed with clothes or shopping.)

28. It’s not creepy to have feelings for a stepsibling or an adopted sibling. (Just because you’re not blood relatives doesn’t make it less creepy. Besides, I don’t know if the latter is legal.)

29. If your love interest is gay, you can always win them over and get them to switch teams. (Uh, no you can’t unless they’re bi. But, do you really want to go there?)

3o. When men get into a relationship, it’s usually to get into a woman’s pants. (Really? Sure some men may be perverts, but there are plenty of guys who actually want to have a relationship with women and like them as people. Not to mention, a lot of them have emotional needs to and many actually want to get married. Seriously, Hollywood, most guys don’t really want to remain single all their lives.)

The Cinematic Guide to Archaeology

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Throughout movie history, archaeologists seem to have a lot of interesting adventures such as discovering lost treasure, unleashing ancient curses, defeating the bad guys, solving hidden puzzles, smashing less valuable artifacts, and wait a minute, this doesn’t seem right. Of course, like many professions, archaeologists in the movies seem to have more fun and interesting lives than their real life counterparts (well, depending on anyone’s definition of “fun”). And if you’d stack someone like Indiana Jones by what most people would expect a real archaeologist would actually do, well, let’s just say he wouldn’t even make tenure even according to 1930s standards. Sure he may make archaeology look cool and has inspired many young fans to go into his field, but he sucks at his job. Still, he’s not the only one who doesn’t stack up with what anyone would expect a from a real archaeologist or even the worst offender. And when you think about it, even the subject of archaeology itself doesn’t really measure up to the real thing. So here is a list of what movie archaeology deviates from the real thing in many ways.

1. Most of archaeology focuses on discovering lost cities and civilizations, kings’ tombs, legendary artifacts, lost technologies, imprisoned evils, and long lost secrets. (Actually archaeology is about discovering knowledge about the past civilizations through the study and analysis of artifacts and what information it gives them about the past. Also, plenty of archaeologists have made careers by meticulous analysis of contents of the garbage dumps of old.)

2. The goal of an archaeologist is to find and obtain a legendary MacGuffin, which everyone else is after for themselves. (Most archaeologists would be perfectly fine with discovering worthless pottery fragments.)

3. Most archaeologists study ancient civilizations in exotic locations. (There are plenty of archaeologists who study artifacts relating to more recent history and have excavations that aren’t so far from where they live. And I’m not just talking about those who live in the Middle East and South America either or even in Asia as a matter of fact. Also, Aztec and Inca civilizations were around during the medieval period so they’re not really ancient.)

4. If an archaeologist stumbles on a tomb of an ancient king, it will be cursed and the curse will come true as well as unleash supernatural forces. (This never happens. Sorry Mummy franchise.)

5. It’s perfectly reasonable for an archaeologist to acquire the MacGuffin through any means, no matter how destructive, even if you have to destroy ancient machinery that still works after thousands of years just to obtain a gold monkey. (Most archaeologists would try to be careful with any kind of remnant of any past civilization encountered. They great pains in attempting to excavate with as little disruption as possible and carefully preserve whatever is found. Smashing your way into any and all historical monuments for a shiny trinket is just plain unacceptable in the archaeological community.)

6. Most ancient ruins are filled with booby traps set up as protection against raiders or modern archaeologists. (Most archaeologists manage to excavate ancient ruins without having to stumble in one of these. Also, plenty of Egyptian Pharaoh tombs had already been robbed a few thousand years before any modern archaeologist ever got to them. Of course, there are some ruins that do have them. Not to mention, ruins are rarely “abandoned” anyway.)

7. It’s perfectly acceptable for an archaeologist to neglect his or her students while hunting for artifacts. (Though archaeologists do go on excavations, neglecting academic responsibilities is not okay. And academic responsibilities for a professor don’t just include teaching either. In case you want to see why Indiana Jones would be denied tenure: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/back-from-yet-another-globetrotting-adventure-indiana-jones-checks-his-mail-and-discovers-that-his-bid-for-tenure-has-been-denied.)

8. A Pharaoh’s tomb will be intact and have unimaginable treasure inside it. (The significance of the discovery of King Tut’s tomb in the 1920’s is that it’s one of the few Pharaoh tombs found mostly intact. Most Pharaoh tombs were robbed not long after the funeral.)

9. As long as you plan to have the priceless artifact put in a museum, there’s nothing wrong with taking it without the natives’ consent. (Understand that the people behind these ancient artifacts and heirlooms have nearby descendants who are very much alive and wouldn’t be happy if an archaeologist takes something of great cultural value to them. Best keep the artifacts as close to the place you found them or at least within the country of origin. If you want the artifact in a museum, make sure it’s in a museum in the country you found it in. Also, nothing angers Egyptians more than taking a royal mummy out of the country without their consent. You don’t want a whole country to get angry with you. And if you want to take something back for further analysis, ask first.)

10. It’s perfectly fine to excavate a site without permission from the locals or taking cultural sensitivities into account. (Then why is it illegal for archaeologists to excavate a Native American graveyard in the United States? Because the Indians would get royally pissed off if you ever dare disturb their ancestors. Also, you don’t want an archaeologist to dig up your dead grandmother, do you? I mean there’s a reason why archaeologists don’t conduct excavations in cemeteries.)

11. Archaeologists don’t need to take local and cultural sensitivities into consideration. (Okay, I know many movies pertaining to archaeology take place at a time when most archaeologists didn’t really take native sensitivities into account. Nowadays this isn’t the case since pissing the natives can result in things that a mummy curse will be the least of your troubles.)

12. Archaeologists don’t need to do any documentation once you find a priceless artifact MacGuffin. (Archaeologists need to catalog every find and document exactly where they found this in order to establish provenance. Also, they need to record information and location of every artifact and its relation to other artifacts and features at the site. It’s a meticulous, systematic, and time consuming process. They need to map the entire site, make sketches, take photographs, sift dirt through screens to make sure nothing is lost, and put all artifacts in carefully labeled bags. Neglecting to do this could lead to suspicions of theft or forgery and, yes, this has happened.)

13. In archaeology, shiny museum trinkets are all that matters. (Pottery fragments may bring glory but can yield their own share of valuable information about a past civilization.)

14. A bad archaeologist goes after a priceless trinket to hoard for a private collection, give to the bad guys or sell to the highest bidder, or use it for his or her quest for world domination. (There’s more than that to describes a bad archaeologist. Indiana Jones could be described as one for example.)

15. Long dead civilizations possessed powers we no longer understand. (Really? You got to be kidding me.)

16. Archaeologists need to be armed and badass since they constantly have to deal with bad guys. (Well, they’ll have to deal with bad guys if working in areas like the Middle East or Latin America where there are plenty of things that can kill you, especially in this day in age. Yet, never to the same degree as Indy. Also, many of them didn’t take boxing lessons or even carry guns.)

17. If an archaeologist finds something he or she can carry, he or she can just take it. (Most archaeologists usually try to do more research into the artifact before they could even touch it.)

18. Most of archaeology consists of field work and adventure. (Actually most archaeologists spend 70% of their time in some sort of academic setting doing research, like libraries, museum, laboratories, and universities.)

19. Archaeologists get rich by selling lost treasures in museums. (Most archaeologists don’t sell their artifacts because they see them as clues providing information to the lives of people in the past. In archaeology, it’s not just the shiny stuff that matters here.)

20. Desecrating a grave is perfectly all right as long as you’re using a human leg bone as a torch to explore a crypt. (Doing this will land you in an international prison.)

How Medicine Works (According to the Movies)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
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Okay, say what you want, but at least he’s a real doctor and in the movies.

As someone with family members in the medical field and as well being related to sports enthusiasts, I tend to know a little bit about medical workings more than I care to know. Not to mention, I know many people who use their health as a conversation piece which is seen as a safe but boring topic. For instance, if I want to know whether someone has health problems, I just want the person to cut to the chase and tell me in the simplest way possible. I don’t want jargon, full details, or anything disgusting or gross. However, as with the concept of guns, Hollywood’s take on medicine and health also doesn’t nearly stack up with reality and here I’ll compile a list why that is. Of course, I won’t list examples from fantasy and science fiction since most of their medicine either comes from the future or comprises of magic. And I won’t list details from horror movies either since there are no such thing as demon possession or vampirism.

1. You could survive tar and feathering without any permanent scars from the incident. (This is probably the most unrealistic thing in Little Big Man in which the townspeople tar and feather Dustin Hoffman. Still, his character survives the incident for 100 years, isn’t seen seeking any medical care, nor does he even have any scarring from the whole thing. In real life, Hoffman’s character wouldn’t have been so lucky. Being tarred and feathered was never a good or easy-to-overcome thing. Physical damage inflicted from the tar varied wildly depending on temperature. If relatively cool, the tar would cause mild irritations to the skin and the worst you could hope for was spending hours of scrubbing to clean off the skin {and remember this would mean on your entire body since you’d be forcibly stripped naked before they put the tar on you}. Sometimes removal would mean agitating the burns and ripping out hair {making a body wax seem like a picnic}. Near boiling {which would be more likely}, the tar could cause life-threatening burns {and will surely leave permanent scars}. And if the tar wasn’t the worst of it, you can suffer fairly serious injuries from being forced to straddle the rail coming from a splintery wooden fence. Still, though tarring and feathering is usually played comically in westerns, what it did to those subject to this treatment is nothing to be laughed at. I mean, everyone would remember what was done to you.)

2. No matter how badly an action hero is injured, he will never end up with permanent and visible scars. (Whereas a real life football player with milder injuries could possibly be out for the rest of the season.)

3. A young woman with terminal illness will grow more beautiful as death approaches. (I’m sorry but dying from a terminal illness doesn’t work that way. I mean just surviving from a near-fatal illness doesn’t really do much for you in the looks department. At best, you’ll probably look like a survivor from a Nazi concentration camp, may need to rely on pain killers, and will soon lose your ability to perform the most basic functions like swallowing. You may even be in a coma on life support surrounded by family members wanting to pull the plug. And if you’re suffering from a fatal illness before the 20th century, well, let’s not go there.)

4. Unprotected sex is perfectly safe and won’t lead to pregnancy as long as the encounter has little to do with the plot. (Seriously, with the kind of sexual lifestyle James Bond has, he’s got to have at least a paternity suit or an STD by now. Of course, he may be using protection off-screen or has had a vasectomy but there’s no way of knowing. Even so, contraceptives aren’t 100% effective. Still, Kirk and Indy each have at least one known child, but seem STD clean otherwise. Then again, Kirk is from the future so this doesn’t apply to him.)

5. Albinos have red eyes and are perfectly capable to shoot at a far distance and drive at night. (Sorry, Dan Brown, but most albinos have blue or slate gray eyes which may appear red tinged. Not to mention, most albinos have very poor vision and are often legally blind. In fact, vision impairment is the main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism. So there’s probably no such thing as an albino assassin.)

6. People who suffer from a constant cough will soon die from the disease that causes it with a short period of time. (Kind of depends on the disease and the time period. Constant coughing isn’t really a big medical issue unless if leads to spitting out blood most of the time. Other than that the most serious diseases I can think of involving this symptom would be TB, whooping cough, or pneumonia. Still, if you have a coughing fit and seem perfectly healthy, you probably have the common cold, the flu, or bronchitis. As with TB sufferers in the 19th century, it may kill you but you’ll survive for a number of years, if it does. If it kills you much quicker, you probably had either pneumonia or lung cancer {and for much of the 19th century, all serious lung diseases were diagnosed as tuberculosis so as how many people actually died from TB is anyone’s guess though it was incurable and contagious}.)

7. An antidote or vaccine will instantly cure a disease with no ill effects. (Actually a vaccine isn’t going to help you fight an illness if you already have it most of the time. A vaccine is a preventive measure used to train your immune system to fight a certain pathogen so if the real thing comes along, they’ll be able squelch it before it gets the chance to infect. Of course, the rabies vaccine may be an exception. As with antidotes, though they may reverse some effects of a poison but not all. And they may not save your life. Nevertheless, they need to be taken as early as possible or before the body sustains so much damage that death is inevitable. Also, tends to be rather expensive. Sometimes there may not even be an antidote if you have a certain kind of poison in your system.)

8. Radiation exposure can give you superpowers. (What it actually gives you are radiation sickness, radiation poisoning, possible congenital mutations to pass to your kids {that may lead to birth defects}, and/or cancer. Many people who worked at nuclear facilities have serious health issues and don’t live too long. Of course, super powerology isn’t based on actual science but you get the idea radiation exposure is no fun at all.)

9. Alternative medicine and herbal remedies can help you just as much as traditional medicine could. (Well, not exactly. Of course, there are some medicinal herbs but they don’t always work 100% of the time. Also, they can carry their share of side-effects just like any other drugs sometimes serious or fatal. Still, you might want to consult your doctor on this one. And if you have no idea of what herb it is or what it does to you, don’t consume it.)

10. Being attacked in the nuts or castration can result in a dramatic voice change from tenor to soprano in males. (Actually while a groin injury can be very painful in men and boys, it will not result in a dramatic voice change, though it might impair reproductive capabilities. As with castration, it depends on the age of the man but it doesn’t change a guy’s voice. Talk to any war veteran who’s had his junk shot off in battle. Chances are they sound as much the same as before. Besides, most of your castrati opera singers during the 17th-18th centuries were castrated before puberty in order to retain their voices. Vocal chords just don’t shrink, boys, so you don’t have to worry about that.)

11. Potassium cyanide kills in seconds. (It takes effect after a few minutes and can be a messy affair involving strong seizures before it kills you through massive apnea and cardiac failure.)

12. Good drugs have no side-effects. (All medicines do, some worse than others. For God’s sake, have you’ve ever seen any pharmaceutical ads? Some of those side-effects just make me not want to take the drug.)

13. All drugs and poisons take effect upon consumption. (It usually takes time for the effect to be felt due to having to travel through the body. Also, matter of of how the drug is taken is a factor. Still, if you take something which doesn’t take effect right away, don’t take another dose whatsoever.)

14. Smoking marijuana can cause you to go into a blind killer rage. (Obviously, even Hollywood doesn’t believe this Reefer Madness nonsense but it probably won’t turn you into a peace loving hippie either. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

15. It’s easy to retain good physical shape regardless of diet and exercise. (Sure they may be in great physical shape but they’re actors with nutritionists and personal trainers. Thus, diet and exercise are very much a factor.)

16. Truth serum can make someone incapable of lying and will always give you complete and accurate information. (Sure it may cause hallucinations, never to shut up, or reduced inhibitions but it won’t make anyone less capable of lying. Using truth serum is a human and civil rights issue and any statements obtained in this manner are inadmissible in court. Thus, they’re more useless than lie detectors.)

17. A person can be revived after a few minutes of CPR and will later have a full recovery. (CPR rarely results in a full recovery since it’s performed when a person has less than a 10% chance of recovery at all. Also, it doesn’t take a few minutes and you shouldn’t give up until either the person starts breathing on their own or when the EMTs arrive. Not to mention, it’s expected for the ribs to break during CPR, which is never seen in film. The victim can also throw up and mouth-to-mouth isn’t even recommended.Still, you might want to call 911 first since CPR has a 2% survival rate on its own.)

18. If CPR fails, then it’s perfectly fine to start striking a patient in the chest in order to restart his or her heart. (It’s called a precordial thump and should be delivered by an expert in a life-threatening rhythm and only attempted once. Also, it should precede CPR and only works for a very short time period {but not in every attempt}.)

19. A proficient swimmer can save a person from drowning by jumping into the water or throwing the victim a buoy. (Only try to save a person from drowning if and only if there are no professional lifeguards around. Not to mention, lifeguards are instructed never to jump into the water or throw the buoy to the victim {but past them}, especially if that person has a possible spinal injury.)

20. When someone has a nosebleed, always put their head back. (You actually risk making them choke or puke from swallowing their own blood. Better to make them lie down if possible {well, it works form me whenever I had nosebleeds as a kid}.)

21. The first thing to do when someone has a foreign object in their bodies is try to remove it as soon as possible. (The object is serving as a plug on the wound and pulling it could kills someone in minutes. Best it should be removed by professionals where infections can be fought off by antibiotics. Also, some people live with bullets for years without any problems like Andrew Jackson.)

22. When someone has hypothermia, it’s best to throw them in hot water. (This would cause a person’s core temperature to shoot up, inviting the colder fluid and extremities in making the person even colder or worse, mess up their heart. Still, a person suffering hypothermia should get warmed up through a warm bath and only if they can get in unassisted. A person suffering from more severe hypothermia should be rushed to the hospital.)

23. Using a an article of clothing as a makeshift tourniquet for a gunshot wound can help stop the bleeding. (This is a very bad idea since the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood and cause other problems when real help arrives. If left on a limb too long can result in it becoming necrotic and falling off. Only should be done if pressure around the wound isn’t working.)

24. Giving birth only takes a few minutes with the baby looking dry and clean as well as little to no mess. Not to mention, the mother is perfectly fine. (Pregnant women can be in labor for hours as well as so exhausting that the mother is either drenched in sweat and red in the face due to exertion as well as passed out due to the pain or pain medicine. Also, it’s a very messy affair complete with amniotic fluids, blood, fecal matter, tearing the placenta, and other bits and fluids. Not to mention, the babies come out covered in bodily fluids and have noticeably deformed heads. Of course, since I have a lot younger cousins, I can say that a cleaned up two day old baby looks much cuter than many other newborn animals. Most of the “newborns” you see on film are usually about 3 months old mostly due to younger babies being more susceptible infections.)

25. You should always try to remove the bullet when someone is shot as well as requires simple tools and little expertise. (Pulling a bullet out is the last thing you want to do for a shooting victim. Even surgeons frequently leave them in while repairing the damage. Still, bullets are mostly harmless when they stop moving and it’s best to remove them after the immediate trauma has already healed. Of course, there are exceptions in which a bullet has a chance to explode or has a part of clothing in the wound which could cause infection.)

26. Anyone can perform a tracheotomy. (No one without an MD should ever attempt this.)

27. Antibiotics can instantly cure any kind of illness. (They are only effective against those caused by bacteria and only if that particular strain is sensitive to that prescribed antibiotic. Still, there are drugs that fight viruses, parasites, and fungus.)

28. A defibrillator will restart a patient’s heart from cardiac arrest, usually when you try the second time. (While it will help improve survival ratios for cardiac arrests, there’s a specific time window in which shock must be applied. If not applied within 4 minutes of onset, odds of successful conversion drop drastically. Also, odds of successful conversion go down the more shock a patient requires. Not to mention, a defibrillator doesn’t restart the heart but stops a dysfunctional heart rhythm in hope that heart’s mechanisms can restore an effective rhythm. A first responder will do this alongside CPR. Modern defibrillators are rubbed together to spread a conductive gel on them, not building up a charge. They also have one-use adhesive pads and don’t make that KACUNK! noise like older models did. And they don’t make the patient jump several inches off the floor.)

29. In case a defibrillator is absent, hooking up a person to a main power source will give the same results. (No it won’t! This is a horrible idea! Doing this is a good way to induce the conditions that need defibrillation so don’t try this. However, if you wish the afflicted person dead anyway, then I’m sure this technique will give them a great sendoff to the choir invisible.)

30. Everyone knows their blood type. (Only those who give blood do and  it’s not a big population. Heck, I don’t even know my own blood type.)

31. Anyone experiencing a fatal illness will exhibit mild symptoms at first only to have the disease get progressively worse after the diagnosis. (Usually by the time one is diagnosed with a fatal disease, the symptoms have progressed enough to be serious. Most people usually try to wait out mild and nondescript symptoms.)

32. Nothing wrong can come from yanking the I.V. once you wake up from a coma. (Yanking the I.V. will put the wound at risk for infection.)

33. If your friend is poisoned by a snake bite, you should always suck out the venom from the puncture wounds. (Don’t ever do this! For one, sucking could cause further infection on the wound, transfer the risk of poison from the victim to yourself, and will only make the wound swell which require another incision increasing bleeding (raising everyone’s risk of infection), an may result in the poison entering the bloodstream faster. Also, people survive the vast majority of venomous snake bites even without treatment. Still, if someone is bitten by a venomous snake bite just try to keep the person calm and prevent them from moving and arrange for them to be transported to a hospital. Sucking the poison can get you both killed on this one.)

34. Sedation only takes a few seconds to knock you out. (It depends on the type of sedation drug which can usually take from a few seconds to a few minutes or even several hours. Dosage is also a factor.)

35. You can knock out a person with a simple blow to a head. (It’s the least reliable way to make someone unconscious. Yet, if you successfully do knock someone out with a blow to the head, you might be in trouble. A blow to the head that causes unconsciousness is also severe enough to cause a skull fracture, concussion, intracranial bleeding, permanent cognitive impairment, amnesia, blindness, personality, change, and even death. Usually lasts for a few seconds but unconsciousness lasting for than a minute usually indicates brain damage which will take months and not years to recover and the injured person will likely have permanent impairment. And if a blow to the head doesn’t make the person unconscious, it will certainly make them very, very angry. Don’t do this! Please remember this is why professional sports has a major issue with head injuries and why people should wear helmets.)

36. You can travel an exotic location, eat the food, drink the water, and not have to spend a long time in the bathroom. (Depends on where you travel. This might apply to Europe and other developed nations, but if you’re in Latin America, Africa, the Middle East, or some other Second or Third World dump, chances are that trying the local cuisine and drinking from the local water supply might result in spending countless hours of your trip on the toilet.)

37. Spending considerable time near the equator or other exotic locations won’t result in you spending some time in bed with a tropical disease. (Seriously, I have no idea why Indiana Jones doesn’t come down with anything. I mean he’s an archaeologist living in the 1930s so it’s not like he’s went through inoculations prior to every trip. For God’s sake, he has to have least gotten a case of malaria from a mosquito bite.)

38. All epileptics suffer from violent convulsions when having a seizure. (There are many different types of seizures that have symptoms ranging from losing consciousness and staring into space for a few seconds, losing control of a limb while maintaining consciousness, to full-blow writhing at the ground, and everything in between.)

39. Seizures are set off by flashing images. (Actually this is called photosensitive epilepsy which consist of 10% of all epileptic cases).

40. All heart attacks start with a shooting, radiating pain later resulting the person to stagger in pain while clutching his chest with face turning bright red before dropping like a stone to the floor unconscious and probably dead. (Heart attacks vary in nature which can range from this to ones you don’t realize you’ve had until an ECG years later discovers the damage left behind. Symptoms can range from fainting, puking, and collapse while a massive heart attack can make the sufferer think he’s about to have a bout with diarrhea, one reason why so many die on the toilet.)

How Guns Work (According to the Movies)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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I am no fan of guns. I don’t feel safe with them unless they’re on display in a museum nor would I wish to be either in front or behind one. Not to mention, I think they’re dangerous since they’re designed to kill. Besides, I’ve never owned one in my life nor do I intend to in the near future. Of course, in fictional outlets like movies and TV shows, guns are everywhere and are seen as awesome weaponry used to defeat bad guys. After all, violence is usually the answer in Hollywood in these kinds of situations. However, guns don’t work in the same fashion in Hollywood as they do in real life. Here I compile a list of how guns work in movies and TV shows you know and love as well as an explanation why some of these concepts wouldn’t  work in real life. Still, I’m going to exempt science fiction or fantasy since they don’t go by the same rules in real life anyway unless otherwise noted.

1. A muzzle-loaded black powder blunderbuss can fire three consecutive shots in under a second, without reloading. (Believe it not, this happens during the “Gaston” number in Beauty and the Beast where Gaston fires three shots in the barrels at the tavern. Perhaps no one shoots like Gaston but while firing three consecutive shots in under a second without reloading may be realistically possible for many of today’s firearms like an AK-47, such feat would certainly not be with a muzzle-loaded black powder blunderbuss. I mean even the fastest shooters (such as soldiers) could only get three shots off in a minute during Gaston’s day. For one, muzzle-loaded weapons can’t fire consecutive shots, which is why one Revolutionary War officer told his troops, “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.” Second, loading these weapons was a multiple step process such as pouring the powder, dropping the ammo (sometimes ripping the cartridge), securing the contents far back in with a rod, letting the wick in the flint, and lighting the flint before pulling the trigger. And to be a Minuteman in the Revolutionary War, you had to do all but the last in under a minute. Of course, the loading process explains why our Founding Fathers saw no need to mention gun control in the Second Amendment since it was only since the mid 19th century where guns fired multiple rounds.)

2. Almost every firearm in existence has an unlimited ammo only as long as ammunition count doesn’t have anything to do with the drama. (When it comes to ammunition counts, it depends on the weapon. Revolvers and long arms usually hold up to 5-8 rounds. Semiautomatic handguns have magazines that usually hold 10-15 rounds. Detachable magazines for semi-automatic or automatic rifles usually contain 20 to 30 rounds. The classic Thompson submachine guns holds a magazine of 100 rounds but has been retired due to other issues.)

3. Silencers make firing a gun completely silent. (They’re more or less “suppressors” than silencers since they don’t make guns completely silent but and usually only as quiet as “hearing safe.” It’s like more like putting your phone on vibrate.)

4. Homemade silencers are just as effective as real ones. (They are not. On the other hand, real silencers are highly regulated and illegal in several US states, so what does that tell you?)

5. Being in a heavy firing zone won’t bring any kind of damage to your hearing. (If you ever seen a gun range, everyone is wearing hearing protection for a reason. A gunshot is the loudest normal sound a human being is likely to hear. I mean firing one gun can damage your hearing significantly, let alone hundreds. Not to mention, many shooting enthusiast suffer from some degree of sound-induced hearing loss due to their hobby. You can also experience tinnitus as well as feel pain from such a sound. Some high powered guns can still hurt one’s hearing far away even with a silencer. Still, many Hollywood movies today are involve heavy gunfire as well as countless explosions while many of the characters don’t really seem to have any issues with their hearing and yet none of them are wearing any kind of protection. Out of all the movies I’ve seen relating to heavy fire, only Adrien Brody’s character in The Pianist experiences any kind of hearing loss from gunfire {which was temporary and due to a close range explosion that nearly killed him}. Sherlock Holmes may count as well, but only when he’s very close to the gun. Then again, gunshots in movies aren’t very loud to begin with mostly due to movie sound systems not being typically designed to output noises above the human pain threshold.)

6. You can fire a gun and hear tiny noises or whispers at the same time. (No you can’t unless you are at some great distance away. In fact, in a heavy firing zone, you may not be able to hear yourself shout, let alone anything else.)

7. All gunshots go “boom.” (Only shotguns go “boom.” Smaller guns usually sound like a firecracker. Other guns have distinctive sounds as well.)

8. Guns make a clicking noises whenever they’ve run out of ammunition. (Only pistols and some semi or automatics do.)

9. Being hit with a gunshot won’t cause bleeding. (Oh, yes it would, even when shot in the head when it’s certainly not pretty at all. Those shot in pre-1960s movies don’t bleed much because of the Hays Code but many do.)

10. There were no guns in the Middle Ages. (Gunpowder was introduced to Europe after the Crusades while guns were practically invented during the 1300s. The first recorded use of shooter lit wicks that ignited gunpowder loaded in a gun barrel in 1364. It was called the matchlock arquebus.Thus, guns and knights have existed side by side for over 300 years. Still, they weren’t very reliable, were very expensive, and had a limited production.)

11. The recoil will either send the shooter flying or have no effect at all. (Usually the recoil will result in no more than a bruised shoulder or a sprained wrist at least with most weapons. There may be physics involved in this so it’s complicated.)

12. Being shot can cause you to fly across the room. (Please, bullets may be powerful enough to kill you but to fling you across the room, you got to be kidding. When shot, people usually drop. Explosions may do the trick, on the other hand.)

13. One bullet can bring instant death. (The question of whether you’ll die from getting shot depends on where the bullet is or whether the surgeon can get to it, how much time passes between the shooting incident and the arrival of medical assistance, and the quality of the medical treatment. The advancement of technology and medicine at the time is also a factor.)

14. Lethality of bullets is usually dependent on the character’s importance to the plot. A redshirt or mook with no lines will be dead in one shot while it will take flood of bullets to kill the main villain or hero. (Actually bullet lethality doesn’t work that way in which a myriad of factors can play out.)

15. If you’re shot in the leg or right shoulder, you might be in pain but you can otherwise engage in the fighting since they’re pretty safe spots. (It is impossible to shoot someone and know they will survive the wound. When most people shoot, they shoot to kill, not wound or disarm. Still, if you were hit in outside shoulder, the  thighs, or ass, there are good chances you’ll survive and make a full recovery. Also, older softer bullets did much more damage.)

16. Armed henchmen can’t hit anything. (Though Imperial storm troopers may not shoot straight, they are sure to hit something or someone.)

17. Jammed guns are useless guns. (A gun jam is only a glitch that can be corrected within a second or two, though I guess some jams are harder to correct than others.)

18. A dropped gun will always discharge. (Most guns are made not to do this and a dropped gun discharge usually presents grounds for a recall. However, such recalls are voluntary in the US.)

19. Some bullets work like guided missiles. (Most of them don’t and will hit the first thing that comes in their path. However, given weapons technology advancement, this may be subject to change.)

20. Anyone with a gun can remain calm under threat of being shot or under fire. (Just because you have a gun in your hand, doesn’t mean you’ll be able to fire without hesitation. That is, unless you’re someone who’s trained to act this way in such situations.)

21. Good marksmanship is easy to master even in a life-or-death situation. (It is not, especially in a life-or-death situation where high-adrenaline makes accuracy go to pot. Though soldiers are trained to get a decent accuracy rate, but in a war zone, most magazines will empty at a 10% accuracy rate. Most soldiers in battle just fire their guns in order that it will hit somebody who’s not on their side. For instance, the average WWII soldier had to fire about 200 rounds for every hit scored on an enemy. And these guys had pretty reliable guns. Also, conditions on the battlefield was another factor. Not to mention, friendly fire has always been common in war zones.)

22. Anyone can easily recover from a gunshot wound if the plot demands it. (Gunshots will send you on a one way ticket to the emergency room and may take weeks or months to recover from depending on the medical treatment. Some people don’t recover at all.)

23. Pointing a gun at someone and placing your finger on the trigger with no intent to shoot is always a good idea as long as you’re careful and know what you’re doing. (Even those who know what they’re doing will always try to avoid this at all times. Besides, when cops do this, it’s usually in a life or death situation in which they will shoot if need be. Still, most of the time, this will set yourself for an accident waiting to happen. Still, you see cops in TV and movies do this all the time even when it’s not in a life or death situation. Yet, very few end up having an accident with their firearms. Remember, guns aren’t toys.)

24. Having a gun will help you defend yourself in a mass shooting spree. (You’re better off not armed and hiding under a table. Also, those armed will probably be among the first of those shot in a shooting spree.)

25. It’s possible to fire a good shot through the scope of a sniper rifle where the bullet will end up in the sniper’s eye. (It’s unlikely this will happen and will more or less exit through the side at an angle.)

26. Any gun can destroy a lock in one or two steps as well as does a neat and tidy job of it. (It actually takes a high powered gun to do this at close range but shooting a lock off will result in dangerous shrapnel flying everywhere. Only soldiers and SWAT teams ever do this since this task involves a shotgun, Kevlar body armor, specialized ammunition, and full face protection. Seriously, don’t try this at home, this will put you in the hospital.)

27. Shoving a pistol down your pants is a harmless idea. (Just ask Plaxico Burress who accidentally shot himself in the thigh in a night club this way.)

28. Blanks aren’t dangerous under any circumstances. (Well, not as dangerous as some forms of ammunition but can inflict its share of damage when fired carelessly. Just watch the scene in In Bruges when Colin Farrell shoots a guy in the eye with one. Thus, this isn’t 100% accurate.)

29. Bullets ricochet with sparks. (They never spark, ever. Still, it’s said that paint balls filled with fireworks would.)

30. It’s easy to shoot accurately with a handgun. (It’s actually incredibly difficult and takes a lot of training to master.)

31. Firing while jumping is always a good idea and looks awesome. (Firing while jumping reduces accuracy, is a serious waste of energy, and can cause injury to your shoulder upon landing. May look impressive, but please don’t try it at home.)

32. To be shot in the ass is highly embarrassing. (Sure but in a war zone, to be shot in the ass, is actually quite lucky since it’s referred to as “the million dollar wound.” Out of all the places on the body, the butt has the greatest chance of not being life-threatening and causing any permanent damage when treated properly. Also, for someone in the war zone, it’s serious enough to get a medical discharge and shipped home.)

33. Gun duels usually involve both participants who stand back to back, walk ten paces, and turn around to shoot at one another. (Actually almost never used in real duels while distances were usually agreed upon by the participants. You could also fire to miss before drawing blood but you can accidentally shoot a second or bystander. However, I bet there was plenty of cheating taking place in duels. Still, it’s a pretty stupid idea, though congressmen were doing this to each other in early America.)

34. Squeezing the trigger can turn anyone into an instant marksman. (Marksmanship can take years of training and practice.)

35. You can always hear the bullet before it hits you. (You can hear the gun but you don’t really hear the bullet hitting you. You know that you’re hit when you see a bloody gash at the site.)

Feminist Films Before the 1960s

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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We often assume that feminism didn’t really take off until the 1960s and before that time, women basically were portrayed as happy housewives, submissive damsels in distress, innocent ingenues or evil women who led their men astray. These are the basic images of women in old movies that tend to come to our mind as well as the notion that gender roles were observed without question before the 1960s. However, these notions are dead wrong since feminism has always been apparent throughout history and there have been people who’ve questioned the notion of gender roles for centuries. Old Hollywood is no exception for many old movies have a great treasure trove of strong female characters as well as featured movies which challenged notions of gender roles and relationships between men and women. Here’s a short list of what I considered to be old movies that even a feminist would approve of:

1. Gone with the Wind

You wouldn’t think I’d put this movie on here since fans tend to watch it for the romance between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler while critics and detractors would cite the historical inaccuracy, negative racial stereotypes, lack of good male characters, complain that it’s four hours long, or dismiss it as a mere chick flick. Some may not think that Gone with the Wind isn’t a feminist movie since it won a bunch of Oscars, holds the distinction of highest grossing movie of all time, was made in the 1930s, and is regarded as one of the greatest films of all time. Surely a movie with these distinctions and flaws can’t be feminist. Well, that’s where you’re wrong since I would very much regard this movie as a highly feminist film as well as a one of the most ground breaking movies for women. For one, this is a film about the experiences of women in the South during the American Civil War and the early years of Reconstruction and how such events affected their lives. It depicts women playing a role in history at a time when professional historians seldom wrote about women or before the concept of women’s studies even existed. Not only that, but it also shows how the American Civil War was also a woman’s war as much as a man’s whether it be on the home front or on the front lines. And this is back in 1939. Second, it features a strong and well developed female protagonist in Scarlett O’Hara who isn’t entirely a saint but certainly no damsel in distress. Not to mention, she eventually challenges the conventional notions of how a women should act at the time and does morally dubious things, isn’t universally liked, is very much a realistic character for her time, and is actually a strong female character feminists would approve of (even a lot of today’s action girls don’t amount to her rich characterization). I mean despite that she’s selfish, amoral, immature, materialistic, she’s very intelligent and later emerges as a strong and driven young woman ever determined to do what she can to avoid starvation or being a burden to others. Of course, this movie was based on the book by Margaret Mitchell, yet nevertheless, Gone with the Wind is a great feminist film which shows that a movie which features women’s experiences as well as a strong female protagonist with moral ambiguities could break records at the box office, win 8 Academy Awards, and be well regarded as one of the greatest films of all time. Of course, it’s not 100% relevant, but it’s still a timeless classic that holds up in so many ways. If there is a feminist film before 1960 which deserves a spot on this list, then Gone with the Wind is the gold standard.

2. Peyton Place

I place this film on this list since it portrays almost every character as three-dimensional entities who don’t necessarily come off as entirely unsympathetic (with the exception of Lucas Cross but I’ll get to him later). Yet, whatever their flaws, viewers are encouraged not to judge these people no matter but only to understand them as people. It’s also noteworthy to point out of how certain female characters don’t seem to conform to your 1950s standards. For instance, Allison Mackenzie puts her deceased father on a pedestal, mostly finds herself on the receiving end of her mother’s insecurities, and has a lifelong aspiration to be a writer. Her mother Constance (played by Lana Turner) is has managed to succeed both as a mother and businesswoman but can’t really leave her secret past behind which proves detrimental in her relationships with her daughter and new boyfriend Michael Rossi, the new high school principal. Allison’s best friend, Selena Cross is seen as a good girl whose stepfather Lucas makes her life at home the closest thing to hell on earth. Her motivation in the film is to achieve financial independence so she and her brother could escape from their godforsaken home. She’s an interesting case since she’s still seen as a sympathetic character despite having an abortion and later committing murder. Of course, Lucas raped her so who could blame her for killing him but she barely gets off (since the doctor almost didn’t testify). Then we have Betty Anderson who likes dress in sexy clothes, drink alcohol, behave in scandalous ways, and is much more forthcoming about her sexuality but still genuinely loves her boyfriend and does make peace with his father. Peyton Place is also a relevant film which condemns sexual abuse for how should be depicted as well as make Selena’s abortion and murder seem justified. The film always shows Lucas’ conduct to Selena as unwanted and never holds her responsible for Lucas’ actions.

3. I Was a Male War Bride

I put this film on the list since it’s one that specifically addresses sexism with a very interesting twist. Still, unlike most of the movies I have on this list, this one features a male protagonist played by Cary Grant. However, I included this movie on here because it addresses how sexism can negatively affect men. Set in Europe right after World War II, this movie is about a French officer who marries an American servicewoman and decides to spend his married life in the States. However, what him and Ann Sheridan have to go through is a bureaucratic nightmare through the War Brides Act, which is seen clearly as sexist US government policy. To the US only the men took foreign spouses and the military and red tape stacked against American servicewomen marrying men from another country. Of course, being an American servicewoman, it’s Ann Sheridan who’s being discriminated against on account of her sex. However, it’s Cary Grant who has to suffer for it firsthand since he has to endlessly explain that he’s married to an American soldier and entitled to shelter and transportation in a system that doesn’t recognize his gender as compatible with his situation. For one, Grant has to pass as a war bride in order to go back to the United States with his wife since all the spousal regulations seem to be for brides. Of course, he puts through a lot of shit and humiliation being a “war bride” such as having to fill out a form reserved for women, spending most of a night looking for a place to sleep, and having to board a boat in drag. On a further note, this is loosely based on a true story so there probably were a few “war brides” who just happened to be dudes. And they probably had to go through similar shit. Of course, while there may be plenty of movies that address men defying traditional gender roles, I Was a Male War Bride is one of few films that promotes the issue of feminism to a male audience.

4. Mildred Pierce

Of course, I had to include this Oscar-winning film since it’s one of early movies that centers around a successful self-made woman and single mother who despite her hard work and efforts to please her daughter, still gets no respect. It’s a very bleak look at what women can expect if they live and work alone in a man’s world, beset by men who want to exploit them, sexually or otherwise. She starts as an ordinary housewife driven to working as a waitress after her unemployed husband takes off and later starts her own restaurant and chain. Mildred Pierce is a woman is both a victim of circumstance as well as herself as well as a strong female protagonist with real flaws and assets. She is a hard worker with good business sense as well as a devoted mother. Of course, being a devoted mother to Veda is her biggest flaw, not due to bad parenting (she ain’t perfect), but how Veda is just one of the most ungrateful brats in movie history. Still, though she may be a woman in a man’s world, she’s still someone we sympathize with and want to succeed since she kind of reminds women of themselves in many ways. Not only that, but as a businesswoman, she becomes a victim to the same mistakes as any man would. Of course, Mildred met her downfall, but at least she made it to the top despite great odds.

5. A Letter to Three Wives

This is perhaps one of the most relevant films for women since it pertains to an issue that all women face, which is the struggle for perfection. Yet, it also tells women that they don’t have to be superwomen in order to be loved and appreciated by the men in their lives. All three women protagonists are each imperfect in their own way and have very imperfect lives and marriages. All three somehow feel inadequate when compared to their “friend” Addie Ross who their husbands see as a goddess and is probably the closest thing to a superwoman in her time, though she really is a complete bitch. Not to mention, all three think that the the strain on their marriages is their fault. And adding insult to injury, she sends them a letter telling these three women that she ran off with one of their husbands. It’s also interesting to note these women lead very different lives from one another, struggle with very different issues, and are portrayed in non-stereotypical fashion. You got Jeanne Crain who left the farm to serve her country only to come back having a difficult time adjusting to her husband’s world which is so different than the one she left behind. She sees herself as hick who wears cheap mail order clothes worrying that she wouldn’t be able to impress her upper class husband’s friends with her man being completely blind to what she’s dealing with. Ann Sothern is a working mother and breadwinner whose schoolteacher husband (Kirk Douglas) isn’t much thrilled with. It’s not just that she’s earning more money than he is but that she’s earning a living writing for a radio soap opera and how her job interferes with their lives. However, Kirk Douglas knows full well and accepts his situation since Sothern is just as smart as he is and that her status as a breadwinner allows him to have the career he wants without having to worry about the bills. Yet, Sothern doesn’t seem to know what Douglas wants from her. Then we have Linda Darnell who’s from the wrong side of the tracks and sees herself as a gold digger who married her boss just to escape her working class light. But Darnell and Paul Douglas’ marriage gives the two of them exactly what they need. Yet, she wonders whether she’d miss her husband if he was gone. Of course, the ending is rather ambiguous but  we can be sure that at least Sothern and Darnell have husbands who surely care for them despite their own flaws and that whether Crain’s husband left her or not, she’s willing to survive without him and at least has friends.

6. Adam’s Rib

Of course, this is another comedy which is said to feature a battle of the sexes between Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Yet, unlike most movies that feature a battle of the sexes, this one doesn’t insult the intelligence and rationality of either party. And in some respects Hepburn and Tracy both make valid points about sexism and treatment of those in the criminal justice system, particularly when a crime of passion is involved. Of course, Hepburn is the feminist who thinks men and women are equal, notes the double standard that exists for women and men regarding adultery, and humiliates Tracy in court in order to prove that he’s not immune to sexism as any man. Of course, Hepburn may have her sympathies with Judy Holliday who’s accused of shooting her asshole husband after catching him having an affair, but she knows it since she’s also a woman and sees why her client would snap. Furthermore, she’s very aware on how women were treated by society at the time and strives to make sure her client gets as fair a treatment as any man would in her place. On the other hand, though Hepburn is right to acknowledge sexism, this doesn’t mean that Tracy is completely in the wrong. Rather, though Tracy may have his own biases, he’s certainly no male chauvinist pig nor does he have anything against women, but quite the contrary. Actually, he’s a more progressive man for his time who’s perfectly fine with his wife’s force and ambition. He’s just not happy about her using the case for her own selfish purposes. To him, Judy Holliday’s gender and situation are practically irrelevant is as far as his job as a prosecutor goes. In Tracy’s eyes, Judy Holliday is guilty of attempted murder and showed disregard for the law as there should never be an excuse for such behavior regardless of gender. If Judy Holliday had been a man, it would be very clear that Tracy would’ve judged her no differently. Unfortunately for Tracy, though he may be on the side of the law and have no special affection for Holliday’s husband, he’s nevertheless working in his interests. And we’re very much instructed to sympathize with Judy Holliday since her husband is a man with no redeemable qualities and should never have custody of the kids.

7. All About Eve

Of course, this film may have it’s flaws but it’s an essential feminist film nonetheless because it shows the sexual bias and the entertainment industry and how such makes women become rivals instead of friends. Of course, it says that a woman isn’t complete without her man, but so did many Hollywood films at the time. Still, Margo Channing is an aging actress who plays roles of younger women and is insecure about growing older and settling down with her boyfriend Bill Sampson. She sees newcomer Eve Harrington as a threat to her career and goes through a diva meltdown which is dismissed as an overreaction until Eve tries to seduce Bill. However, the reality is that though aging, Margo is a highly talented actress at the height of her career as well as a star with legendary status who’s probably in a more secure position than many of her peers. Not to mention, she’s still very pretty and is dating a man who’s eight years younger than her who loves and respects her for who she is. However, Margo’s flaw is that she views her career as the most important thing in her life and knows all too well that her line of work where aging can be career killer. Yet, though Eve Harrington is a genuine threat, it’s age that triumphs over youth in this one and in some ways is a better female role model because of it. Margo may be a bitch but sometimes her whining can be seen as perfectly justified. Even though Margo learns to accept getting older, settles down with Bill, and decides not to play younger women, she loses nothing letting Eve play Cora and become a star. Sure Eve Harrington may be young, pretty, and talented, but she’s a sociopath who will do whatever it takes to get whatever she wants. And she manages to fool almost everyone in the cast except Birdie and Addison. Margo is a woman of integrity with supportive and sincere friends and has some genuine humanity in her. Eve is just a cold and manipulative bitch willing to use people as tools and cares only for herself. And since Margo’s willing to accept the direction of her career and start having a life outside of the theater, she survives Eve Harrington as well as many of the young actresses who come after her. Eve submits to critic Addison DeWitt, selling her soul to all her fans and the media since she has nothing but her career.

8. The Barefoot Contessa

This is more of a cautionary tale pertaining to the objectification of women and the price they pay for it. The film unfolds as a fairy tale turned tragedy as we see Ava Gardner as a person like Humphrey Bogart does, but is viewed by the rest of the male cast as an object to be exploited for their benefit without any account for her whether it be by looks, talent, status, or what not. In some way, this is what objectification really is and Ava Gardner ultimately suffers for it. Ava Gardner is a woman who is smart as she is beautiful whose main motivation is to enjoy the challenge and escape that a Hollywood career might offer a woman who will nevertheless value the simpler things in life. However, she’s also a woman who’s known to have sex with multiple men (known as her “cousins”) and has a mind of her own. And in every fairy tale there has to be a Prince Charming as in the Count Favrini or so Gardner assumes he is. Yet, once she marries him, you realize he’s just willing to use her as much as most of the other male characters. But in this case, it’s because she’s a glamorous celebrity whose marriage to her will work in his plans to bring his family to a memorable end. And it doesn’t end well for Gardner.

9. Roman Holiday

Of course, this is a romantic comedy, but it’s one that encourages women to do what’s best for themselves for a change. Of course, the man who’s stifling Audrey Hepburn’s life in the beginning isn’t a romantic interest but her dad who’s a king, which makes her a princess. And as a princess, she has royal duties which consists of going on diplomatic trips as well as having her schedule filled with PR activities all day long. Soon all the stress catches up with Hepburn that she takes off in the middle of the night and spends the next day doing whatever she wants such as living a day without her crushing responsibilities. And she does this only to the benefit of herself. Of course, Hepburn eventually has to return to her life as a princess but she does as a more assertive young woman who’s willing to accommodate her own needs alongside her duties and more able to think for herself.

10. Now, Voyager

Kind of has a similar message to Roman Holiday yet, Charlotte Vale’s path to empowerment and learning to think for herself doesn’t completely solve her problems. However, the domineering force in her life is her emotionally abusive mother who tried to control her all her life and lets her know that she is unwanted and unloved. Not to mention, Mrs. Vale doesn’t want her daughter to have much of a life either and does all the decision making for her. That is until Charlotte suffers a nervous breakdown and is confined to a sanitarium and later emerges out of her shell, goes on a cruise where she meet the unhappily married Jerry, and falls in love with him. Though adulterous, their relationship would have a positive impact on both their lives. When she returns, she confronts her mother and finds that she’s no longer scared of living for herself. After her mother dies, Charlotte returns to the sanitarium where she becomes a surrogate mother to Jerry’s daughter Tina. Also, unlike many women in old movies, Charlotte is perfectly all right to live without a man, doesn’t need to settle down for just anyone, and is willing to be happy with what she has, which is a lot but still.

11. Giant

Of course, this doesn’t start out as a feminist film since it begins with Rock Hudson and Elizabeth Taylor’s whirlwind courtship and marriage. However, once they start their married life in Texas, Taylor starts turning Hudson’s world upside down. For one, she treats the  Mexican workers on Reata as human beings, doesn’t see anything unfeminine with discussing politics, and has no qualms about defying tradition. Still, I think what makes this movie as a feminist film is how it depicts femininity. This is expressed through Elizabeth Taylor  in relation to Mercedes McCambridge. Taylor is perfectly comfortable with being a woman and isn’t ashamed of her femininity. Yet, she’s still a strong woman who isn’t afraid to do what she thinks is right or speak her mind whenever she feels like it. She may be a woman but she’s also her own person and refuses to conform to her gender’s expectations. In the end, her life with Hudson helps change him into a better man though it takes a long time. On the other hand, McCambridge sees her femininity as something to be ashamed of and denies it in order to be one of the boys in order to feel dominant. She’s a misogynist and hates Taylor with an instant passion. She is butch and violent and thinks that only these two traits can be a show of strength. Of course, her harshness and violent demeanor are what causes her downfall after falling off Taylor’s horse that she treated so badly. In some ways, these two women show the difference between being a strong female character and being a female character just acting macho.

12. The Three Faces of Eve

This is a film that depicts a woman with multiple personalities superbly played by Joanne Woodward (best known for her marriage to Paul Newman) who received an Oscar for her performance that year. Of course, the afflicted woman is a quiet, mousy, and unassuming housewife named Eve White who suffers from headaches and occasional blackouts, from which emerges the wild party girl Eve Black. However, though Eve had this problem since childhood, this mental illness persists as a way for her to act out in an unhappy marriage with a man who doesn’t understand her condition nor cares to. In many respects, he’s an abusive jerk who later dumps her and later abandons their daughter. And Eve begins to recover as a third personality of the stable Jane emerges who gathers strength once Eve starts living as a single woman. In some ways, Eve’s personality disorder fed off of her unhappiness in a life she was reluctant to leave. Yet, when she does, Jane becomes stronger since she’s the most healthy personality as two Eves decline and starts leading a new life better than the one she left. May not be a feminist film, but it works out like one as far as I’m concerned.

13. Pinky

I know this one is the least known movies on the list about a black girl who can pass for white but don’t ask why she’s played by white girl Jeanne Crain. Then again, the Jeanne Crain portrayal makes sense. Anyway, she comes home from nursing school with a white boyfriend who she’s all set to marry and start a new life with him in Colorado. However, her grandmother isn’t too happy and asks her to take care of former boss Ethel Barrymore who’s on her deathbed. Crain reluctantly abides but thinks Barrymore is an unpleasant old woman to work for. Yet, when she dies, Crain finds out that this woman left everything to her in order that her estate would serve as a black clinic and nursing school (this is in the South during segregation). And when Barrymore’s will becomes contested by family members, she decides to fight and wins. May seem like a career vs. man story but is far more complex since the issue of race in involved. For Crain, marriage not only means being with the man of her dreams yet this would mean she’d have to live as a white woman for the rest of her life. Yet, she chooses to risk her relationship so she can fulfill the old lady’s wishes and help her community as well as brave the rampant climate of racism. It may not be the easiest choice to make but it was one that would make Crain a much happier woman because of it. And in a time when women were being encouraged to be happy homemakers, this movie is a breath of fresh air.