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Greek Mythology Reexamined: Significant Mortals and Demi-Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Last time, I posted about the Greek gods an their great and not so great exploits if you’re stuck in their mythological universe. This time I write about the significant mortals and demi-gods most likely featured in Greek myths. In many ways, they’re a diverse lot with heroes, maidens, and other figures. Some were the children of gods and others were just regular people who made good. Yet, some might have suffered tragic fates since someone tried to avoid fulfilling a prophecy without using much common sense. Still, either way, they’ve inspired all kinds of literature and movies as well as tend being depicted better or worse than in actual mythology. So without further adieu, here is a cheat sheet of significant mortals and demi-gods in most Greek mythology mediums.

1. Heracles (or Hercules)

Heracles capturing Cerberus in the Underworld not to be confused with the resident ferocious three-headed dog Fluffy in Harry Potter. Sure he may have super strength to take on the gods, but he has a bad temper, kids all over the place, and had two episodes of insanity. Oh, and was killed by a poisoned shirt. Yet, to the ancient Greeks he was Superman.

Heracles capturing Cerberus in the Underworld not to be confused with the resident ferocious three-headed dog Fluffy in Harry Potter. Sure he may have super strength to take on the gods, but he has a bad temper, kids all over the place, and had two episodes of insanity. Oh, and was killed by a poisoned shirt. Yet, to the ancient Greeks he was Superman.

You know him as: One of Ancient Greece’s most beloved mythical heroes known for his super strength (which surpasses many Greek gods) and performing his Twelve Labors as well as whatever stepmother Hera threw at him. In many ways, an epitome of Greek manhood with his sexual prowess, athletic skill, and success in war though smart enough to use his wits when needed (the Spartans, Greek kings, and Alexander the Great claimed descent from him) who shows up whenever a strong man is needed. Upon his death he was made a god. In some ways, the Ancient Greek equivalent to a modern day superhero.

What you don’t know about him: That Heracles performed his Twelve Labors as penance for killing his first wife and children during a bout of insanity thanks to Hera. Though he’s said to do a world of good and was willing to help his friends, he’s not exactly a paragon of heroic virtue since he killed more than one innocent person for being to close to him during one of his temper flare-ups (he did  show remorse though). He was also prone for starting a huge war over a mere verbal insult. Also, had to live as a woman for three years after killing a king and his family. Still, didn’t take well being cheated by his enemies and was killed by his third wife with a poisoned shirt.

2. Perseus

Perseus is smart enough to realize that Medusa's head is a very effective weapon against bad kings who want to marry his mom as well as sea monsters. Still, he couldn't have done it without the gods help though. Add to the fact he was chosen to slew Medusa.

Perseus is smart enough to realize that Medusa’s head is a very effective weapon against bad kings who want to marry his mom as well as sea monsters. Still, he couldn’t have done it without the gods help though. Add to the fact he was chosen to slew Medusa.

You know him as: The guy who killed Medusa and saved Andromeda from a sea monster (which wasn’t a Kracken by the way) with quick thinking outside the box as well as gifts and stuff he stole from the gods. Was great to his mom and contrary to what Disney would’ve told you, he rode Pegasus, not Hercules.

What you don’t know about him: Actually killed Medusa just to save his mother from marrying the evil king Polydectes who he later killed by using her head at him. Still, he only killed Medusa because the gods wanted him to and she may not have deserved their wrath (said to be a priestess to Athena who Poseidon might’ve raped and was turned into a monster by Athena). Not to mention, he might’ve been involved with the death of his grandpa which was said to be an accident (of course, he did drive his mom out after the golden shower incident with Zeus). Also, said to be the founder of and king of Mycenae according to the Ancient Greeks. Still, though he might’ve been the chosen one, he was one of the nicer Greek heroes who was a loving son and faithful husband, rarity in Greek mythology.

3. Atalanta

Hangs out in the woods, kills ferocious animals, has guys compete with her in athletic competitions at the cost of their lives, and is distracted by shiny things. Yet, after she gets married and makes love to her husband in a temple, is turned into a lion.

Hangs out in the woods, kills ferocious animals, has guys compete with her in athletic competitions at the cost of their lives, and is distracted by shiny things. Yet, after she gets married and makes love to her husband in a temple, is turned into a lion.

You know her as: Greek mythology’s most famous heroine known for being very fast, unwilling to marry, and hunt in the woods. Her dad also abandoned her at infancy for not being a boy as well as won in a Calydonian boar hunt for drawing first blood. Made a deal to only marry a guy who’d beat her in a foot race and any guy who lost to her would be executed. However, with a guy like Hippomenes and a few golden apples, she met her match.

What you don’t know about her: That her winning the Calydonian boar hunt led to a family disintegration of one of her admirers which yielded fatal results. She also had a son named Parthenopaios though his paternity varies according to version (Hippomenes, Ares, or Melager were suggested) who’d also have his own story. Yet, she was also said to abandon him, too, in order to hide she wasn’t a virgin anymore. As for her and Hippomenes, they would be later turned into lions for having sex in one of Zeus’ temples (of course, Ancient Greeks thought that lions couldn’t mate with each other contrary to science). Also, said to be one of the Argonauts along with Heracles (and Philocetes who wasn’t a satyr).

4. Medea

With her great powers of sorcery she will do anything she could to help you obtain the Golden Fleece, even if she has to go against your family. However, if you promise to stay with her forever, don't ever cast her aside, or she will let all hell break loose before escaping on her golden chariot.

With her great powers of sorcery she will do anything she could to help you obtain the Golden Fleece, even if she has to go against your family. However, if you promise to stay with her forever, don’t ever cast her aside, or she will let all hell break loose before escaping on her golden chariot.

You know her as: A powerful demi-goddess and princess of a distant kingdom who falls in love with Jason as well as helps him obtain the Golden Fleece while betraying her father and brother (and killing him) in the process. She is said to restore the dead to a younger and healthier state as well as could kill immortals with a mere look. She even accompanied him on the return trip in which he promises to stay with her forever and they had two boys together. However, once home, Jason sets to marry Creusa to strengthen political ties with Corinth so she killed his fiancee an her dad as well as their kids (in some versions) before taking off on her grandfather Helios’ chariot to Athens (some say she might’ve set Corinth on fire or have the city hit by an earthquake). Of course, Ancient Greeks thought she was totally justified since a woman dumped at the time could result in having her children killed or enslaved anyway.

What you don’t know about her: After her life with Jason, she’s said to heal Heracles at Thebes before driven out of town as well as marry King Aegeus in Athens making her stepmother to Thesseus who she tried to poison to ensure her own son would get the throne but escaped when the scheme produced the exact opposite result. Some say returned home to kill her uncle and restore her dad to his throne or went to Iran depending on the version. Said to have become a goddess after her death.

5. Orpheus

So his wife is dead and he goes all the way to the Underworld just to bring her back and lose her just the same. Perhaps it would've been better if he'd just go there for a visit or seek grief counseling, seriously. Still, he ends up being ripped apart by the end anyway.

So his wife is dead and he goes all the way to the Underworld just to bring her back and lose her just the same. Perhaps it would’ve been better if he’d just go there for a visit or seek grief counseling, seriously. Still, he ends up being ripped apart by the end anyway.

You know him as: The guy who can charm all living things with his music as well as even Hades an Peresphone. Tries to get his wife Eurydice back from the Underworld after she dies but fails when he looks back at her during the journey to the upper world either for being careless or not fully trusting Hades, which leaves him heartbroken.

What you don’t know about him: He was an Argonaut with Jason as well as the son of the muse Calliope. He never recovered from losing Eurydice in the Underworld and disdained the worship of all gods save Apollo and was eventually ripped apart by the Maenad nymphs for not honoring his previous patron Dionysus (there are other versions though). Still, some accounts said he didn’t really die and was still singing sad songs until the people of Lesbos buried his head and built a shrine in his honor.

6. Odysseus

Spent ten years fighting a war in Troy he managed to win with his intelligence and cunning only to spend ten more years trying to get home to his family after blinding and pissing off a cyclops.

Spent ten years fighting a war in Troy he managed to win with his intelligence and cunning only to spend ten more years trying to get home to his family after blinding and pissing off a cyclops. Granted the cyclops wanted to eat his sailors but boasting about it to him?

You know him as: The king of Ithaca who left to fight the Trojan war and trying to return home while leaving a wife and son at home for twenty years. Of course, he also helped ally the Kings of Greece for Helen’s hand as well as came up with the idea of the Trojan Horse to capture the Troy and end the war (which lasted for ten years). However, he had to apply his intelligence and cunning as well as his willingness to take advice from Nestor or anyone else. Yet, he also spends the next ten years trying to get home to his family in Ithaca but his pride as well as gouging and boasting about blinding Poseidon’s son Polythemos doesn’t do him any favors and his daddy makes the trip a nightmare (though the cyclops also tried to eat his fellow sailors). Sure he may have had sexual relationships Circe and Calypso but they were goddesses and weren’t really consensual on his part. He does come home to his wife Penelope (thanks to Athena) and him and his son, Telamachus kill all her suitors and maids allied with them.

What you don’t know about him: That Penelope didn’t recognize him when he came back for obvious reasons (since it was twenty years since she last saw him) until she said their bed was moved but he says it would be impossible since he carved the thing. Not to mention, the citizens of Ithaca weren’t too pleased with him killing his wife’s suitors but Athena tries to get both sides to make peace. Also, he was an influential champion in the Trojan war with a long list of accomplishments including winning Achiles’ armor through persuasion as well as has a lot of fanfiction attributed to him in non-Homeric continuations (and yes, the ancient Greeks weren’t above doing this with some depicting him and his wife both cheating on each other and him dying at sea). And then there’s a dispute whether Laertes or Sisyphus was his real father.

7. Agamemnon

So he spent ten years fighting a war in Troy after his sister-in-law ran off with Paris and he successfully managed to win after sacrificing his daughter and having a bunch of other guys die under him. Comes home to find his wife cheating on him and eventually killing him. Apparently dysfunction runs in his family.

So he spent ten years fighting a war in Troy after his sister-in-law ran off with Paris and he successfully managed to win after sacrificing his daughter and having a bunch of other guys die under him. Comes home to find his wife cheating on him and eventually killing him. Apparently dysfunction runs in his family.

You know him as: The king of Mycenae as well as leader of the Greek forces during the Trojan War and Menelaus’  older brother who has the most ships than anyone else. Manages to get in a fight with Achilles which nearly results in his army’s defeat as well as pisses off Artemis after killing a deer in which he has to sacrifice his daughter Ipheginia for a favorable wind. May not be as smart as Odysseus but does give him good advice before they part ways. However, unlike Odysseus, he does not return to a happy home and is killed by his wife Clytemnestra and her boyfriend. His kids Orestes and Electra kill them both in retaliation and are driven insane by the Furies at least for awhile.

What you don’t know about him: That Agamemnon’s family was so screwed up with a family history that reads like a Game of Thrones marathon complete with rape, murder, incest, and treachery. And Menelaus is about one of the only adult members who doesn’t do something unforgivable and probably married Helen just to get the hell out of Mycenae (and become king of Sparta and the fact Agamemnon was married to her sister). Also, took Cassandra as a concubine from Troy but she was killed by Orestes and Electra. Still, he was no more evil than the other Greek or Trojan warriors.

8. Telamonean Ajax or Ajax the Great

Second best fighter of the Greeks who kept fighting even when the gods deserted the field despite being wounded. Has a body count roughly equal to his cousin Achilles and was never beaten in a fight. Name lives on as a brand for cleaning products.

Second best fighter of the Greeks who kept fighting even when the gods deserted the field despite being wounded. Has a body count roughly equal to his cousin Achilles and was never beaten in a fight. Name lives on as a brand for cleaning products.

You know him as: King of Salamis and the biggest soldier among the Greek forces during the Trojan War who’s determined to follow his will even without help from the gods as well as the second best warrior. He’s a cousin to Achilles and their dads were Argonauts and companions of Heracles. Still, when the gods stopped helping the Greeks, he’s the only hero standing who never stops fighting despite being wounded by several gods. He never gets beaten not even by the gods, has a body count roughly equal to Achilles, and would’ve killed Hector if the gods weren’t there to save his life. Just as smart as Odysseus who is close to his half-brother Teucer and could be a pretty decent guy outside the battlefield. His pride and individualism eventually lead him to be driven mad by Athena and he ends up committing suicide shortly after.

What you don’t know about him: That he fought against Hector twice and actually went on a sadistic sheep killing rampage. Also, he didn’t take it too well when Odysseus gets Achilles’ armor. Not to mention, archaeologists might have found a palace which might’ve been his home on Salamis and he’s been popular among the people there sort of like a folk hero. Still, while there’s no evidence that he existed, his house certainly did. Oh, and there’s a line of cleaning products named after him.

9. Achilles

Sure he's the best they got on the Greek side and all but he's only in it because he likes killing people. He cares more about himself than anyone else and is one of the biggest jerks in ancient literature. Yet, he spends less time than his compatriots on the battlefield and sometimes has to be coaxed out of his tent. Also, a bit weak in the heels if you know what I mean.

Sure he’s the best they got on the Greek side and all but he’s only in it because he likes killing people. He cares more about himself than anyone else and is one of the biggest jerks in ancient literature. Yet, he spends less time than his compatriots on the battlefield and sometimes has to be coaxed out of his tent. Also, a bit weak in the heels if you know what I mean.

You know him as: The Greek hero of the Trojan war and cousin of Ajax. Said to have his mother Thetis dip him in the river Styx when he was a kid in order to be invincible though she held him by the heels (we’ll get to that later). I mean he beats a local river god while crossing a river. Though one of the biggest jerks of ancient literature (since he has facing a lot of stiff competition even in Greek mythology in that department), he has his moments such as being upset at Agamemnon for justifiable reasons and bringing Hector’s body to his family after killing him. And then there’s him falling in love with a dead Amazonian queen as well as his relationship with Patroclus. Basically fights because he likes it and not for honor or gain even if it means an early death. Is killed by a poison arrow shot by Paris either in the heel or somewhere else depending on the version.

What you don’t know about him: Contrary to popular media, his experience in the battlefield is minimal compared to the other kings participating. Also, the judgement of Paris is supposed to take place at his parents wedding and that Zeus and Poseidon both had designs on his mom (and that Greek storytellers may not be very good at math or that Achilles was born some time before then but I highly doubt it). His father was king of the Myrmidons and his mother was a nymph and a goddess (and he was said to be a mamma’s boy with good reason). Not to mention, he didn’t give Hector’s body back to Priam after mutilating it in retaliation for killing Patroclus who may have been more than his best friend which he blamed himself for (you’d never know about these relationships in Greek mythology but he’s said to have kids though). Still, though he was a raging killing machine, he had a lot of trouble caring about anybody but himself and sometimes Agamemnon had to coax him into fighting. And when he does, he doesn’t learn the lesson of team work and friendship.

10. Hector

Just a decent family man whose crown prince of Troy and can cut you in a million pieces. Unless you're Achilles, which in this case, he will run away when he shows up because you don't want to meet him in a fight. Knew that kidnapping Helen was spectacularly stupid but has too much honor to do the reasonable thing. But when he dies, Troy will fall soon after him.

Just a decent family man whose crown prince of Troy and can cut you in a million pieces. Unless you’re Achilles, which in this case, he will run away when he shows up because you don’t want to meet him in a fight. Knew that kidnapping Helen was spectacularly stupid but has too much honor to do the reasonable thing. But when he dies, Troy will fall soon after him.

You know him as: The crown prince of Troy and Trojan hero of the Trojan War. A noted family man with wife Andromache and little boy Astyanax (seriously?). The only guy among the Trojans who thinks that kidnapping Helen from Menelaus was a spectacularly stupid idea (you think?) but can’t really avoid fighting once the war’s on. One of the only decent guys of the whole lot who just wants to live a quiet life. Too bad he never gets that chance since he’s killed by Achilles after he slays his best buddy Patroclus. Luckily his foe brings his body back to his dad Priam. Had a fan following during the Middle Ages as well as modern times. Doesn’t hurt that he has a name most would consider normal by today’s standards.

What you don’t know about him: That Hector probably would’ve died in the Trojan War earlier if the gods didn’t save him in some of the duels he fought. Also, he mutilated Patroclus’ corpse to Achilles’ ire and only attacked him with a swarm of men. And he tries to flee when Achilles (or whoever he thinks is Achilles) confronts him and is only willing to fight him when he thinks his brother Deiphobus is with him. Still, that’s kind of understandable since you don’t want to one-on-one with a Achilles and he kind of knew he was a goner in such situation. Yet, he’s one of the few people in Troy to treat Helen decently despite having every right not to and she actually mourns for him. However, while he may be a great warrior and decent guy, he’s nowhere near as heroic than his depiction in modern portrayals. And he doesn’t really listen to advice as well as overconfident. Also, after his death, his wife and sister become sex slaves (his mother becomes a slave, too) while his son is thrown from the city walls.

11. Paris

Started the whole Trojan War by judging a divine beauty contest and running off with somebody else's wife. Is destined to damn Troy and is seen as a philandering, cowardly jerk even by his own people and both sides want him dead. Ends up killing Achilles with a poisoned arrow instead until his own demise.

Started the whole Trojan War by judging a divine beauty contest and running off with somebody else’s wife. Is destined to damn Troy and is seen as a philandering, cowardly jerk even by his own people and both sides want him dead. Ends up killing Achilles with a poisoned arrow instead until his own demise.

You know him as: The guy who started this whole mess by choosing Aphrodite as a winner in a divine beauty contest and asked for Helen as his prize, despite her being already married to Menelaus. Oh, yes, and he goes to Sparta and runs off to Troy with Helen causing her husband to invoke an alliance with the other Greek kings, which kicks off the whole ten year Trojan War. Also, fights as an archer during the war and kills Achilles in retaliation for him killing his brother Hector as well as duels with Menelaus before Aphrodite spirits him away (of course, neither are said to be very good soldiers but the Spartan king could’ve kicked his ass even bare handed). Gets killed by Philocetes (who’s not a satyr.)

What you don’t know about him: That he already had a girlfriend who was a nymph named Onene who knew prophecy and medicine which he later dumped for Helen. Oh, and he usually relies on Aphrodite to bail his ass out as well as turns to archery due to his fear on the front lines (which in ancient Greek terms makes him a dirty coward). Also, even the Trojans think he’s a philandering, cowardly jerk responsible for the war and were rooting for Menelaus to crush his ass. Not to mention, everyone in Troy knew he was foretold to damn Troy since he was a baby and his dad took great pains to kill him but no one had the heart to do it (as with most Greek works). And though he abducts her, he doesn’t defend Helen when other Trojans call her a whore (Hector and Priam do though). Not to mention, his kidnapping Helen breaks serious hospitality values (taken very seriously in the ancient world) and has plenty of political ramifications for Menelaus.

12. Helen

Seen as the most beautiful woman in her day that she got plenty of unwanted attention since she was a little girl when Thesseus tried to abduct her. Fast forward when she's with Menelaus and she's abducted and brought to Troy by Paris which may not have been what she wanted. Has a miserable time in Troy and just when she may get to go home after Paris dies she gets passed to her brother Deiphobus. Luckily she gets to return to Menelaus again but it takes ten years and a lot of men dying in the process.

Seen as the most beautiful woman in her day that she got plenty of unwanted attention since she was a little girl when Thesseus tried to abduct her. Fast forward when she’s with Menelaus and she’s abducted and brought to Troy by Paris which may not have been what she wanted. Has a miserable time in Troy and just when she may get to go home after Paris dies she gets passed to her brother Deiphobus. Luckily she gets to return to Menelaus again but it takes ten years and a lot of men dying in the process.

You know her as: The woman who launched a thousand ships after she was abducted by Paris (though he more or less started it). She was also Queen of Sparta and Menelaus’ wife  (in an arranged marriage) as well as considered one of the most beautiful woman in the area and gets a lot of unwanted attention for it. Was in Troy during war as Paris’ wife and later married to his brother Deiphobus after he was killed. Once he’s killed during the Greek sack of Troy, she goes back to Menelaus. Also, she was nearly kidnapped by Thesseus and his buddy when she was a girl but brothers Castor and Pollux save her. Said to have been conceived during her mother’s encounter with Zeus disguised as a swan.

What you don’t know about her: That she probably may or may not have consented to running off with Paris to Troy and perhaps may or may not have had feelings for him depending on the version. Also, she calls Aphrodite a jerk when she urges her to sleep with him and only seems to have kind words for Hector and Priam (as far as Homer is concerned). Oh, and her brothers were both killed in the Trojan War as well as feels a lot of guilt over the whole thing but only because so many Greeks were killed. And it’s said when she and Menelaus get back together, their marriage is strained (which is understandable), but at least she gets a better deal than her sister Clytemnestra.

13. Theseus

Born an illegitimate prince, he had to do almost everything on his own and didn't have an easy time. Known for killing serial killers, bandits, and the Minotaur but abandons the woman who helped him and forgets to change the sails. As a result his dad kills himself. Has a nasty tendency of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.'

Born an illegitimate prince, he had to do almost everything on his own and didn’t have an easy time. Known for killing serial killers, bandits, and the Minotaur but abandons the woman who helped him and forgets to change the sails. As a result his dad kills himself. Has a nasty tendency of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.’

You know him as: The guy who slew the Minotaur in the Labyrinth at Crete during the regular sacrifice and with help from Ariadne (who was the Minotaur’s sister). He also slew and sacrificed the Marathonian Bull in order to be recognized as King Aegeus’ son (though he may have been Poseidon’s kid). Was king of Athens and married the Amazon queen Hippolyta and Phaedra (who later tries to bang her stepson Hippolytus which ends very badly). Also, known for killing serial killers and bandits (kind of like an ancient Greek version of Dexter that is if Dexter actually had to kill a guy with a bull head and everyone knew about his deeds). Not to mention, he appears in stories involving Heracles, Oedipus, and Medea with the first two turning to him for asylum.

What you don’t know about him: Although he may have been a son of a king (or god), he basically had to do almost everything on his own. After the Minotaur slaying, was a massive jerk to Ariadne and her sister Phaedra who he abandoned on the island (though some versions said he was forced to but at least Ariadne got a happy ending, Phaedra not so much). Also, forgot to change the sails when returning home resulting in Aegeus’ suicide. Had a nasty habit of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.’ Notable abductions include kidnapping his first wife which started a war and him and his buddy’s attempt to kidnap Helen and Persephone even if he knew it wasn’t a good idea (but unlike his buddy, he lived). Almost got poisoned by Medea.

14. Oedipus

Kills his dad for cutting him in traffic and marries his mom to become King of Thebes. Twenty years and four kids later, plague strikes because someone killed the last king. Has to bring killer to justice but then finds out he's adopted and he's already committed patricide and incest. Proceeds to gouge his eyes out. Frankly, he's irony's bitch.

Kills his dad for cutting him in traffic and marries his mom to become King of Thebes. Twenty years and four kids later, plague strikes because someone killed the last king. Has to bring killer to justice but then finds out he’s adopted and he’s already committed patricide and incest. Proceeds to gouge his eyes out. Frankly, he’s irony’s bitch.

You know him as: Literally the most famous motherfucker who ever lived and where we get the term Oedipus Complex (though he didn’t really suffer from it since he killed his dad and married his mom without deliberation or knowingly). He also kills his dad for cutting him off in traffic and being an asshole. Of course, he didn’t know it until right before he gouged his eyes out at the revelation because the people he thought were his parents never told him he was adopted at a time as well as who his real parents were when having no known direct ancestry could cause no end in problems for a guy in a prominent position like King of Thebes. Also, known for solving the Riddle of the Sphinx. Of course, this would make his two sons his half-brothers and his two daughters his half-sisters. Though he was foretold to kill his dad and wind up with mom which his parents took great pains to avoid by abandoning him, the prophecy probably would’ve never been fulfilled if he was raised by his parents in the first place. Not to mention, if you follow Sophocles, his kids become pretty messed up as well.

What you don’t know about him: That the tragedy surrounding Oedipus is that he was actually a good king who committed patricide and two decades long incest without even knowing it before it was too late. However, eventually he had to find out about it twenty years later amid a crisis in Thebes in which whoever killed King Laius must be brought to justice. Well, guess who becomes irony’s bitch to the self-fulfilling prophecy? Of course, his fate depends on version since Sophocles says he gave up the throne and exiled himself while Homer states he ruled until his death. And in Greek mythology, prophecies will always come true.

15. Cassandra

The Trojan princess who would rather be a virgin than make good use on her talents for prophecy. Sure she could tell the future but no one's going to believe her and Troy burns anyway. Can only get worse from here like being raped, enslaved, and killed. No wonder she went nuts.

The Trojan princess who would rather be a virgin than make good use on her talents for prophecy. Sure she could tell the future but no one’s going to believe her and Troy burns anyway. Can only get worse from here like being raped, enslaved, and killed. No wonder she went nuts.

You know her as: The beautiful Trojan princess  who could tell the future but no one would believer because she was cursed by Apollo after his thwarted rape attempt. And all her prophecies would come true, especially when it pertained to Troy falling in a fiery blaze. She also ends up losing most of her male relatives as well as losing her sanity and gets to watch Troy burn. The Trojans should’ve listened to her big time.

What you don’t know about her: It gets worse. When the Trojan War is over, she hides in the Temple of Athena but is kidnapped and violently raped by Ajax the Lesser and later becomes Agamemnon’s concubine as well as taken to Mycenae. Oh, and she later gets killed by Clytemnestra. As a princess, her story veers in the exact opposite as you’d see in a Disney movie in which she doesn’t live happily ever after at all.

Greek Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Whether we like it or not, Greek mythology has always been part of our culture and these we’re constantly drawn to it for various reasons since it usually consists of one epic soap opera with monsters, fighting, and characters who suffer terrible fates for lacking common sense. Like many ancient cultures, Ancient Greece had a pantheon of gods who were just as human as themselves as well as deities you shouldn’t piss off. This did not mean that they also caused their share of trouble and piss off each other off (resulting in a very dysfunctional family like most pantheons). However, we must be aware that not all Greek mythologies are consistent here and sometimes modern culture has a habit of depicting them differently than they were originally presented. Still, there are plenty of Greek gods so I’m only going to name the most important of these deities who appear in most of the myths. And I’m not going to cover the previous generations either since that gets too complicated. So without further adieu, if you’re stuck in a Greek mythological world, here’s a short cheat sheet on what to expect from them.

1. Zeus

Apparently, being the King of Mount Olympus means being as much of an asshole as you want. Or maybe he's the boss because he knows how to keep a bunch of assholes in line. Either way, he's a major jerk who humps anything that moves without without considering his wife's feelings, treats his kids however he feels like it, and can screw mortals in anyway he sees fit. Yeah, major jackass.

Apparently, being the King of Mount Olympus means being as much of an asshole as you want. Or maybe he’s the boss because he knows how to keep a bunch of assholes in line. Either way, he’s a major jerk who humps anything that moves without without considering his wife’s feelings, treats his kids however he feels like it, and can screw mortals in anyway he sees fit. Yeah, major jackass.

AKA: Jupiter, Jove

Domain: King and Patriarch of the Gods on Mount Olympus and is associated with sky, thunder, leadership, law, oaths, rain, and hospitality then a very sacred thing in the ancient world.

Pro: He’s considered as perhaps the toughest and most powerful god in the bunch (and became king of the gods by triumphing over his dad Chronos and putting the end of the Titan’s rule) as well as someone even the other gods don’t want to piss off (considering the Greek mythos, this is an asset since someone needs to keep this bunch in line). Also, he hates liars, oath breakers, and the unjust and won’t hesitate to punish the truly vile. But he does tend to show up and help others on a good day. Still, despite his character flaws, he’s usually a guy you’d want on your side but usually tries to remain neutral.

Con: He’s been very prone to cause a lot of trouble in mythos because he can’t keep it in his pants and will go for anyone that moves in any form and whether they want it or not. As a parent, he doesn’t really treat all his kids equally and wouldn’t hesitate offing some of them either (and let me say, he has a shitload of kids divine and mortal). Also, has major hypocrisy issues despite being a god of justice, especially in his personal life as well as performed other highly questionable actions. Not to mention, will do everything he could to stay in power (for good reasons). Yet, he also could be unpredictable and the weather depended on his temper. Out of all the Greek gods, he’s probably the biggest asshole.

Patron City: Olympia where the big Statue of Zeus once stood and place of the Ancient Greek Olympic Games which was an event held on behalf of this guy.

Symbols: thunderbolt, eagle, bull, scepter, throne, and oak

2. Hera

Of course, she may be Queen of Mount Olympus but she has major issues with taking out most of her anger over Zeus infidelity on his sexual conquests and illegitimate kids. Of course, she does this since she can't really wring her wrath on Zeus but maybe she should. Still, she's not as much of a bitch as she seems and she and Zeus kind of deserve each other.

Of course, she may be Queen of Mount Olympus but she has major issues with taking out most of her anger over Zeus infidelity on his sexual conquests and illegitimate kids. Of course, she does this since she can’t really wring her wrath on Zeus but maybe she should. Still, she’s not as much of a bitch as she seems and she and Zeus kind of deserve each other.

AKA: Juno

Domain: Queen and Matriarch of the gods on Mount Olympus and is associated with marriage, women, and birth. Zeus’ wife and older sister (though incest is common in ancient pantheons).

Pro: Has Zeus’ weather powers and can also be formidable in a fight even with other gods. Can be a benevolent and fair queen who protects mothers and wives and is very nice toward faithful husbands. Also, it’s not easy having Zeus as a husband though the two seem to genuinely love each other.

Con: Like her husband, she’s extremely volatile and similar in his temperament though she sticks with a guy who constantly cheats on her. Has a tendency to be perpetually ticked off at anyone who wronged her, insulted her, had sex with Zeus, or being any of his love children. Still, though she may have an unjust tendency to unleash her wrath against Zeus’ conquests and love children, this is her only way of getting even since she can’t do anything to her husband besides yell at him. Other offending husbands aren’t so lucky. And while she’s a stepmother from hell (especially to her namesake Heracles {Hercules}), she’s not much better parent to her own children either.

Patron City: Argos but she had a temple in Olympia with a cult figure said to predate Zeus (it was the earliest there) and she was big in Mycenae.

Symbols: pomegranate, peacock, feather, diadem, cow, and lily

3. Poseidon

The old man of the sea who has a nasty temper and could cause all kinds of natural disasters when in a bad mood. On a positive note, he has a cool trident.

The old man of the sea who has a nasty temper and could cause all kinds of natural disasters when in a bad mood. On a positive note, he has a cool trident and likes horses.

AKA: Neptune

Domain: God of the ocean, rivers, floods, droughts, earthquakes, and horses. However, he does not have a fish tail since he wasn’t born the God of the sea but won his rule when he and his brothers drew lots amongst themselves.

Pro: He’s one of the toughest gods and let’s just say you don’t want to mess with any of his kids even if there was a good reason for it. Someone you might want to have on his good side.

Con: While not in his brother Zeus’ league, he does have his share of conquests as well as a shitload of kids (and shares a similar sexual appetite and conduct, though his wife didn’t seem to care since she didn’t want to marry him in the first place). And sometimes his philandering leads to the same problems (like some stories relating to his involvement with Medusa). He can also be very volatile causing storms, shipwrecks, earthquakes, chaotic springs, and drownings with his trident. Definitely not one to mess with.

Patron City: Corinth and most seafaring cities in Ancient Greece and Southern Italian colonies. Yet, he also has great importance in Athens since they had the best navy and Delphi. He may also be one of the oldest Greek gods with roots in the Bronze Age as a chief deity.

Symbols: trident, fish, dolphin, horse, and bull

4. Hades

Despite the image, he's actually one of the least malicious gods you'll ever meet. He's more or less a polite guy doing his job which happens to be on par with running the garbage dump that everybody hates. Oh, yeah, and he's usually makes good on his promises and can't be easily bribed.

Despite the image, he’s actually one of the least malicious gods you’ll ever meet (who is actually devoted and faithful to his wife even if he did kidnap her). He’s more or less a polite guy doing his job which happens to be on par with running the garbage dump that everybody hates. Oh, yeah, and he’s usually makes good on his promises and can’t be easily bribed.

AKA: Pluto, Dis, Clymenus, Polydegmon, Eubuleus, Orcus. Even his own name is a euphemism. Yet, many Ancient Greeks tried to avoid saying his name.

Domain: God of the Underworld reigning over the dead, wealth, and the underground in general. Is not a grim-reaper type figure.

Pro: Despite modern connotations, he isn’t a bad guy and is one of the nicest Greek gods around. He honors his deals and doesn’t screw around in mortal affairs. And he only lashes out when someone has really done him wrong or tries to cheat death (but he does make exceptions and can be rather helpful). Also, despite kidnapping and marrying his niece Persephone, he’s actually a loving, devoted, and faithful husband who actually consulted Zeus before he did the deed. Also, he’s used by the Ancient Greeks as to how terrifying something is and is stinking rich. And he has a cool helmet of invisibility.

Con: Well, he kidnapped Persephone and made her his wife under ambiguous consent (in Ancient Greece kidnapping in marriage was the norm). He’s also a very busy guy with the most subjects to govern in a job that’s rather unpopular but very important resulting in him having the biggest workload among the Greek gods. Also, though he does have a heart, you probably wouldn’t know it since he has the emotional range of a statue and doesn’t have the best personality. Not to mention, his association with death didn’t make him popular in Ancient Greece since they were terrified of it and him, especially since he’s impossible to sweet-talk out of doing something.

Patron City: None, since the Ancient Greeks were terrified of and loathed him due to his association with death and his temples are dedicated anonymously. And let’s just say their attitude of him was rather complex.

Symbols: Cerberus, drinking horn, scepter, cypress, narcissus, and key

5. Hestia

Sweet, mild mannered, personable goddess of the hearth. Also, minds her own business. But kind of boring and forgettable.

Sweet, mild mannered, personable goddess of the hearth. Also, minds her own business. But kind of boring and forgettable.

AKA: Vesta

Domain: Goddess of home, house, and family.

Pro: She’s one of the most moral out of all the Greek gods and usually stays out of her relatives’ antics. She’s also one of the more important deities in the pantheon and one Ancient Greeks would pray most to for their daily troubles as well as had a role in all their religious ceremonies. Has a modest and discreet nature.

Con: She doesn’t appear in most of the mythos despite her importance and is one of the more boring Greek Gods. Also, her discreet and modest nature makes many people forget of her existence in the Pantheon.

Patron City: None, but she was one of the first to have sacrificial offerings and among the most worshiped by Ancient Greeks and was seen as very significant to the center of community and home.

Symbols: hearth and its fire

6. Demeter

She may be the goddess of the harvest but almost destroyed humanity when Hades kidnapped her daughter Persephone. Luckily she gets to see her half the year. Still. starving the world over her daughter may be a bit extreme but understandable.

She may be the goddess of the harvest but almost destroyed humanity when Hades kidnapped her daughter Persephone. Luckily she gets to see her half the year. Still. starving the world over her daughter may be a bit extreme but understandable.

AKA: Ceres

Domain: Goddess of grain, fertility, sacred law, and cycle of life and death.

Pro: Really seems to love her daughter, Persephone that she almost destroyed humanity when she went missing though whether she did it intentionally or out of grief depends on the version. Yet, she’s usually nice unless provoked and once raised a mortal baby. She’s also well liked and widely worshiped by the Ancient Greeks since she was the goddess of agriculture.

Con: She nearly lost it when Hades kidnapped her daughter and doesn’t really seem to take it too kindly to him despite that Persephone gets a good arrangement out of seeing her mom for half a year. Also, she has her share fooling around with mortal and divine men and eight other children who rarely get mentioned (she’s a mother goddess after all).

Patron City: Eleusis since they were the center of the Eleusian Mysteries which pre-dated the Olympian Pantheon, but she had plenty of temples dedicated to her and may be one of the oldest Greek Gods with Bronze Age roots. In fact, she may have had a cult established in 1500 B.C.E. Her major festival is Thesmorphiora which was participated by women only.

Symbols: poppy

7. Aphrodite

Sure she may be the goddess of love and beauty but that doesn't mean she'd make the perfect girlfriend since she's just as much of a bitch as her fellow gods. She sleeps with everyone but her husband, is very fickle, isn't great to her kids, and you don't want to see her when she's angry. Also, is very much a diva and doesn't like other girls deemed prettier than her.

Sure she may be the goddess of love and beauty but that doesn’t mean she’d make the perfect girlfriend since she’s just as much of a bitch as her fellow gods. She sleeps with everyone but her husband, is very fickle, isn’t great to her kids, and you don’t want to see her when she’s angry. Also, is very much a diva and doesn’t like other girls deemed prettier than her.

AKA: Venus

Domain: Goddess of love, beauty, and sexuality as well as associated with looking after children. Well, at least when it comes to sex anyway.

Pro: She doesn’t get angry very often but just don’t piss her off. Not to mention, she’s very much in touch with her sexuality and nobody sees anything wrong with it.

Con: She may be the goddess of love, but has a tendency to stir trouble. For one, she has many lovers and several kids and is really not a great mother herself. Not to mention, she’s married to Hephaestus and he doesn’t get any action from her. Also, she’s very vain and gets pissed off at women deemed prettier even if it’s someone her son Eros wants to be with (Psyche).

Patron City: Cyprus, which was where she started as their chief deity.

Symbols: dolphin, rose, scallop shell, myrtle, dove, sparrow, girdle, mirror, and swan

8. Athena

As far as Greek goddesses go, she's probably the closest thing to being a role model for young girls, by today's standards. She's smart, fierce, and is fairly decent to those who follow the rules though she's not perfect. She's also known to assist heroes and kick other gods' asses. Get on her bad side and she'll give you no mercy.

As far as Greek goddesses go, she’s probably the closest thing to being a role model for young girls, by today’s standards. She’s smart, fierce, and is fairly decent to those who follow the rules though she’s not perfect. She’s also known to assist heroes and kick other gods’ asses. Get on her bad side and she’ll give you no mercy.

AKA: Minerva

Domain: Goddess of wisdom, strategy, industry, defensive war, justice, inspiration, civilization, mathematics, arts, crafts, intelligence and skill.

Pro: She’s one of the smartest and most powerful Greek Gods as well as very tough in her own right (she has taken many gods in a fight). But she’d rather not fight without reasonable cause (but is willing to own up to her mistakes). Yet, despite this she’s very loyal and is willing to help people as long as they were following the rules. She’s also kind to kids as well as raised a few herself and sometimes helps resolve trouble. Though passionate about justice, she’s pretty level headed most of the time.

Con: She doesn’t like being disrespected and can get quite angry and vindictive to those slighting her. Also, doesn’t like people thinking they’re better than her either. And she shows no mercy to people who break the rules.

Patron City: Athens though she may be one of the earliest Greek gods with varied origin stories. Also, the Parthenon is her temple.

Symbol: owl, olive tree, snake, Aegis, armor, helmet, spear, Gorgoneion

9. Apollo

He may be a good looking and popular cool guy who gets all the guys and girls. Yet he also wouldn't hesitate to pull dirty tricks on people if he didn't get his way. He may be a god of light but he's very much a big bully.

He may be a good looking and popular cool guy who gets all the guys and girls. Yet he also wouldn’t hesitate to pull dirty tricks on people if he didn’t get his way. He may be a god of light but he’s very much a big bully.

AKA: He has no other names in Classical mythology and even the Romans referred to him the same way.

Domain: God of light, sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, disease and darkness, music, poetry, archery, knowledge, purity, athleticism, manly beauty, rhetoric, enlightenment, and more. I mean, he has a lot of things associated with him.

Pro: He is very smart, powerful and can be very handy to have on your side. Not to mention, he’s the god of a lot of things and you don’t want to hurt any of his kids either or his mother and sister. Also, he’s one of the more popular Greek gods.

Con: He has a very bad side despite being a very good-looking god. For one, he has a string of lovers and many kids and not all his sexual encounters have been consensual. Not to mention, he’s a guy who always likes to have his way or else, he’d do something very terrible to either mortals or gods like spreading disease, setting them up for murder either way he’d leave them to fate after he’s done with them. And in many ways, he’s one of the biggest jerks on Mount Olympus. Doesn’t have best relationship with sister.

Patron City: Delphi and Delos where the oracles usually resided while he may have had Anatolian, Minoan, or Dorian origins though he’s one of the last to be included. Still, he’s one of the more popular ones though and the Pythian Games were held in his honor.

Symbols: lyre, laurel wreath, python, raven, bow and arrows, and others I can’t list.

10. Artemis

She may be a goddess of the hunt in the woods with her virgin entourage but she has a vicious streak about a mile wide and does not like men at all.

She may be a goddess of the hunt in the woods with her virgin entourage but she has a vicious streak about a mile wide and does not like men at all.

AKA: Diana

Domain: Goddess of young women, virginity, childbirth, the hunt, wild animals, women’s ailments, forests and hills, disease and sudden death, and the moon.

Pro: Is a very good archer as well as hunting and is a friend of nature as well as women in general. Also, as a goddess, she’s known to assist women in childbirth. Can be nice to tree huggers and kids as well. Not to mention, is more concerned with doing her own thing with her female attendants than anything else.

Con: She has a vicious streak about a mile wide and has a string of victims. There’s a lot of things that can piss her off such as boasting about being prettier or being a better hunter than her, being romantically pursued (save maybe one time it didn’t go well or having her attendants fool around), and others. Not to mention, she does not like men and can inflict disease.

Patron City: None, but there was a famous temple of her at Ephesus yet she didn’t want to be a city patron anyway. Also, she may have been one of the earliest Greek gods and might have had Neolithic origins.

Symbols: bow and arrows, stag, hunting dog, bear, deer, and the moon

11. Ares

He may be an imposing and manly god of war but he doesn't have many friends on Mount Olympus and loves going on bloodthirsty killing sprees just for the heck of it all. But if he gets hurt, he'll whine and run to daddy. Also, he's kind of worthless against most non-mortal enemies.

He may be an imposing and manly god of war but he doesn’t have many friends on Mount Olympus and loves going on bloodthirsty killing sprees just for the heck of it all. But if he gets hurt, he’ll whine and run to daddy. Also, he’s kind of worthless against most non-mortal enemies.

AKA: Mars

Domain: God of war, bloodshed, and violence. Some may say he’s the god of unhinged masculinity.

Pro: He’s depicted as a good dad who always supported his kids and tried to protect them unlike many of his fellow gods (and he has a lot of kids). He also loved his mother Hera (though she didn’t love him). He’s also a force to be reckoned with and the embodiment of physical valor in war.

Con: He’s one of the most despised gods in Greek mythology and most of the ancient Greeks didn’t have a high opinion of him either. Heck, even his own parents and other gods hate him. Also, usually goes on bloodthirsty killing sprees on default and has a huge ego but he loses against almost every non-mortal enemy he’s faced. Not to mention, he’s a shameful coward who’d run back and complain to Zeus whenever he was seriously injured. And he’s had a long string of lovers and isn’t always nice to them. He may be a war god, but his effectiveness is constantly in doubt.

Patron City: Sparta since they seem to have a much higher opinion of him than the other Greek city-states, yet he’s also associated with founding Thebes and places like Thrace, Macedonia, and Mani. Also, the Romans really like him as well as viewed him as the founder of their people.

Symbols: spear, helmet, dog, chariot, and boar

12. Hephaestus

He may not be the best looking or most popular god on Olympus, but the pantheon couldn't do without him. Still, no matter how much crap he gets, at least he doesn't take his angst out on mortals.

He may not be the best looking or most popular god on Olympus, but the pantheon couldn’t do without him. Still, no matter how much crap he gets, at least he doesn’t take his angst out on mortals.

AKA: Vulcan (but has nothing to do with Star Trek) however, it’s his nearest Roman equivalent though.

Domain: God of fire, blacksmiths, craftsmen, stone masonry, sculptors, metallurgy, and volcanoes.

Pro: Though crippled and ugly, is probably one of the handy gods who helps fashion things for his fellow Olympians and is associated with technology. He can even make his inanimate creations come to life. He’s also one of the nicer and humbler gods as well as peace loving who never takes his anger out on mortals. Not to mention, there’s a reason why his dad Zeus chose him to marry Aphrodite.

Con: Though he’s married to the constantly unfaithful Aphrodite, he does get around and sire children with others even though he does not take her infidelity well (though theirs is a sexless marriage). Not to mention, he has a tendency to be under appreciated by his fellow deities. Also, did a really sick trick on his mother, Hera even though that might not have been completely undeserved.

Patron City: Lemnos, though he had a considerable following and might have been of Pre-Greek origin, especially in manufacturing and industrial centers of Ancient Greece.

Symbols: hammer, anvil, tongs, and quail

13. Hermes

He deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot but usually gets away with it, but compared to the others, he's one of the nicest Greek gods you'll meet. If he doesn't like you, then there's a good reason for it and you best watch your back.

He deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot but usually gets away with it, but compared to the others, he’s one of the nicest Greek gods you’ll meet. If he doesn’t like you, then there’s a good reason for it and you best watch your back.

AKA: Mercury, well, closest Roman equivalent anyway

Domain: Messenger to the Gods and guide to the Underworld as well as associated with commerce, travelers, thieves, sports, athletes, shepherds, cowherds, wit, written language, literature, cunning, boundaries, communication, animal husbandry, and luck.

Pro: Compared to the rest of the gods besides Ares, he’s a model parent and one of the nicest gods who doesn’t judge people based on appearances. He was also nice to other people’s children as well as acted as foster parent to a few (also has a bunch of kids). Not to mention, he’s able to stop Zeus from destroying humanity. Is basically a good friend to anyone who’s nice to him and if he doesn’t like someone, there’s usually a good reason for it.

Con: He’s kind of mischievous but loveable rogue who deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot as well as usually gets away with it. Like a lot of the Olympians, he also gets around with a string of lovers as well.

Patron City: None, but his oldest temple was in Arcadia and he had a very popular following in which the festival Hermaea consisted of sporting events for only young boys.

Symbols: Caduceus, Talaria, tortoise, lyre, rooster, and snake

14. Dionysus

The closest thing Ancient Greece had to a frat boy god. He's a hedonist party animal with unpredictable moods and bouts with insanity. Can be great fun or an insane sadist like many frat boys. So eat, drink, and be merry, or he'll kill you.

The closest thing Ancient Greece had to a frat boy god. He’s a hedonist party animal with unpredictable moods and bouts with insanity. Can be great fun or an insane sadist like many frat boys. So eat, drink, and be merry, or he’ll kill you.

AKA: Bacchus but also identified with Liber

Domain: God of wine, parties and festivals, drunkenness, drugs, ecstasy, theater, grape harvest, and agriculture. In some ways, he may be interpreted as the god of Greek life as far as modern college campuses are concerned.

Pro: Genuinely loves his wife, Ariadne in some versions despite not being completely faithful to her (well, what do you expect from a god of hedonism?) and cares about his mother to go to the Underworld for her. Is pretty much fun personified and has survived plenty of nasty shit since he was a baby.

Con: He does have a tendency to punish those who piss him off and does have his share of conquests (basically anything that moves but wife doesn’t seem to mind). Also, in some myths, he’s seen as an insane sadist and party animal as well as prone to violent mood swings. Not to mention, doesn’t take kindly to those who object to his debauch and hedonistic ways.

Patron City: None, but though considered a late arrival in the Olympian pantheon, he actually may have been worshiped as early as 1500 B.C.E. but his cult had been much marginalized for a long time. But he was highly popular for very explainable reasons.

Symbols: Thyrsus, grapevine, leopard skin, panther, tiger, and leopard

15. Persephone

She may be the goddess of spring but she's also Queen of the Underworld and is sometimes more feared than her husband, Hades. Still, whether Stockholm Syndrome or not, she must've felt something positive for Hades to be kind of possessive of him.

She may be the goddess of spring but she’s also Queen of the Underworld and is sometimes more feared than her husband, Hades. Still, Stockholm Syndrome or not, she must’ve felt something positive for Hades to be kind of possessive of him. Then again, she and Hades seem to have had a happy marriage by Ancient Greek standards.

AKA: Proserpina

Domain: Queen of the Underworld and associated with vegetation, spring, rejuvenation, and youth

Pro: Though stoic, she can be moved to tears if someone wants to either die in their spouse’s place or bring his or her spouse back. And whether or not she was really abducted by today’s standards, she seems to have loved Hades though missed her mother around the same time.

Con: She may love Hades but she’s not so much faithful to him (she and Aphrodite fought over Adonis). Not to mention, sometimes she’s even feared more by mortals than her own husband and is almost as stoic as he is. And if anyone dare try to seduce Hades, she would show no mercy.

Patron City: She was worshiped in Ancient Greece in ceremonies involving her mother like the Eleusian Mysteries that predated the Olympian pantheon and may have had Bronze Age or Near Eastern roots making her one of the oldest Greek gods. Still, she had more worshipers than Ares.

Symbols: white poplar and mint leaf

The Cinematic Guide to Psychology

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Psychology is perhaps one of the most underrated subjects as well as a relatively new field of science. Yet, since we live in a world of personalities, emotions, and human interaction, it is exceedingly useful in almost any profession and has changed people’s lives for the better because of it (I mean, who can live without therapists?). Still, though psychology has been a science relatively recently, it has always existed and people have always used it throughout history as well as in fiction itself. A good example of psychology at work is in the Bible when King Solomon orders a swordsman to cut a baby in two just to get an emotional reaction from one of the two women fighting over it. A good psychological example in fiction is Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale’s decline in The Scarlet Letter in which his guilt over knocking up Hester Prynne leads to him suffering some psycho-induced illness and Hester’s vengeful and crazy ex-husband Roger Chillingworth knows it and  does his dirty work on him. Nevertheless, while writers may have some psychological understanding, they aren’t the leading authorities on it and Hollywood is not the place you should rely on the latest information of the human mind. In fact, much of the psychology you see in movies is based on knowledge that has been repeatedly debunked and deemed out of date. Not to mention, human behavior is very unpredictable and everyone experiences the world differently, including people with mental disorders. I mean it’s complicated. Yet, people believe it. Here is a list of supposed psychological knowledge everyone gets from movies.

1. Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities) exists and usually consists of people having either a bunch of personalities or Jekyll and Hyde dynamic. (Actually it’s exceedingly rare in real life to the point many First World countries refuse to recognize it as a disorder.)

2. All serial killers are psychopaths that are out of touch with reality and completely irrational. (Though psychopathic serial killers do exist {like Ted Bundy}, most psychopaths aren’t serial killers {most live completely normal lives but are more likely to commit and get away with white collar crime though}nor all serial killers psychopaths {though many are but are only responsible for 60% of serious violent crime in the US}. Not to mention, despite being narcissistic, anti-social, irresponsible, impulsive, charming but lacking emotional depth, they are completely in touch with reality and highly rational. Also, being out of touch with reality and irrational is psychosis and usually doesn’t make a person dangerous in society and is usually a symptom of another disorder. Hollywood tends to use both interchangeably.)

3. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are socially awkward with high intelligence but are assholes who can’t feel empathy or understand emotions. (People with Asperger’s may have social difficulties with nonverbal social cues and many may be highly intelligent, but they usually go to great lengths to inadvertently hurt anyone so they do care how other people are feeling. More often than not, they just can’t tell.)

4. Dyslexics have terrible writing skills, see jumbled words, and can’t read past a fourth grade level. (Dyslexia is actually a spectrum disorder while some dyslexics may be functionally illiterate, many are simply bad at reading or phonics. Most shown in movies are only severe cases. Also, while many dyslexics are bad at writing, it’s a side affect and many do go to great pains to make sure their grammar and spelling is up to snuff.)

5. Bipolar sufferers go through rapid cycles of extreme mood swings at a constant rate whether be weeks, days, or hours. (Actually most bipolar sufferers would experience such symptoms maybe a few times a year or at times of great stress. This kind imore corresponds to a Borderline Personality Disorder.)

6. Panic is usually induced during disasters and it’s best people should be told not to. (It’s very possible to have a panic attack in their own home since it’s induced by a sense of potential entrapment, a sense of helplessness, and a sense of profound isolation. Also, it’s best not to tell people not to panic during disasters because it makes their situation worse.)

7. You can easily pretend insanity. (Most legally insane people usually don’t know it but may suspect something may be wrong with them. Still, if you try to be insane, most will see through your act like most of the M*A*S*H 4077 sees through Klinger’s cross dressing scheme to get a Section 8.)

8. Having an unhealthy body image with help from the media can quickly lead to a life-threatening eating disorder. (While real life-threatening eating disorders do exist, they are still very rare, have been around longer than Hollywood, and usually are seen as an expression of complex psychological and emotional problems. Most people aren’t susceptible to such extreme behavior patterns for any significant length of time. So while having an unhealthy body image may help lead to a life-threatening eating disorder, it’s usually not the only factor and they are usually develop over a much longer period of time. Still, this is not to say having an unhealthy body image is a good thing or that the media is completely harmless projecting them.)

9. Uncovering painful repressed memories through therapy will help people come to terms with their traumas causing mental problems. (This “uncovering” repressed memories is seen as a scientifically and ethically dubious practice once popular with incest cases and might’ve sent innocent people to jail.)

10. Assertiveness training turns people into self-centered jerk or lunatics with short tempers before going back to normal with no repercussions from their behavior. Also, this usually involves hypnosis or reading a book. (This usually involves multiple sessions with a trained psychologist and learning about diplomatic ways to stand up for yourself and get your fair share.)

11. All responses to trauma are PTSD and usually requires the key to re-experience the episode for an individual to remember and understand before quickly returning to normal. (PTSD is a disorder requiring time to develop with problems that arise when the trauma isn’t dealt with or acknowledged the first time. Also, triggering is usually not needed since they usually remember what happened, they just can’t stop forgetting. Also, treatment for PTSD takes years. It’s complicated.)

12. Schizophrenia cause the person to experience vivid and focused hallucinations. (Not usually and can sometimes be auditory. They tend to be portrayed that way because it’s more effective and doesn’t confuse the audience.)

13. People with ADHD are constantly at a caffeine high and unable to maintain focus on anything for more than a few minutes before getting distracted. (It’s actually a whole set of symptoms, some good and some bad. ADHD is usually exaggerated in movies to the point of absurdity.)

14. Hypnosis is an effective brainwashing method even when the person was an unwilling participant. (It’s impossible unless the person wanted to be brainwashed, if such is possible. Propaganda {like Fox News} and violence are much more effective for unwilling participants.)

15. Amnesia can be caused from a head bump and doesn’t last very long as well as usually pertains to the inability to recollect memories before the incident. Also, memory recovery may cause you to forget new ones already made if you experience another head injury. (Most amnesia cases pertain to the inability to create memories after the head bump if such happens but amnesia is usually rare. Not to mention, it can last for days or even a lifetime. Also, most amnesia isn’t caused by just single bump to the head or isn’t necessarily cured by it {more realistically it may be the result of significant brain damage after several head injuries over the span of years [like NFL football players]}. Not to mention, recovering past memories doesn’t lead to you losing new ones unless you have short term memory loss.)

16. People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder are likely to lash out at people who reject them when in a mercurial mood. (Actually are more prone to harm themselves and engage in self-destructive behavior. Also, 10% of those diagnosed with BPD are estimated to die at their own hands. Sorry, Fatal Attraction.)

17. Sufferers from Tourette’s Syndrome compulsively swear. (This is coprolalia and is only experienced by 10% of Tourette’s sufferers. Also, Tourette’s sufferers usually have multiple physical and verbal tics they feel compelled to perform on a regular basis. But who wants to see someone with Tourette’s who doesn’t compulsively swear?)

18. The mentally ill are more likely to commit crimes. (Only commit slightly more violent crime {only because they have a higher incidence of substance abuse} than average but are 10 times more likely to become victims of crimes though. If they are a danger to anyone, it’s usually to themselves.)

19. It’s not uncommon for men to experience a mid life crisis in which he dumps his wife for a younger woman, quits his job, and gets himself a Cadillac. (Not really. Also, most people don’t have mid life crisis like that and are satisfied with their lives. Only affects 10% of middle aged men.)

20. People with OCD are ritualistic control freaks with no social skills and pay super attention to detail. (It’s actually an anxiety disorder that causes repeated unwanted thoughts and the rituals  are simply attempts to stop them. More along the lines of OCD personality disorder.)

21. All paranoids are schizophrenic and are laden with conspiracy theories which turn out to be true. (Paranoid schizophrenia is among a group of six kinds of schizophrenic disorders classified by disorganized thought, general difficulty thinking, delusions, hallucinations, and jerky “odd” movements and is rather rare. Also, not all paranoids are schizophrenic either. Sure they may believe in some kind of conspiracy theory but it’s not usually true.)

22. When someone is grieving, they always experience the Five Stages of Grief in order even within ten seconds of each other. (Not all of them go through the five stages and not always in order. Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who formulated the theory said this.)\

23. People only use 10% of their brains unless they have super powers. (Humans use all their brains but not all at the same time and about 15-30% at any given moment. When the entire brain flares up, someone usually has a seizure. Oh, and superpowers don’t really exist.)

24. All psychology is Freudian. (Well, some but it’s also part neuroscience, too.)

25. Psychological problems usually stem from a single source. (There are usually many sources and it could take weeks for a psych to figure out what’s wrong before treatment.)

26. Mental hospitals are houses of horrors. (Yes, but not for reasons you might think even though a positive experience in one is more likely. Still, abuse can happen in places with improperly trained and supervised personnel, lack of funds, and using outdated drugs.)

27. A shrink could be driven mentally unsound by his or her job. (Well, yes, but so can medical professionals, lawyers, police, and even co-dependents to mentally ill.)

28. Psychological treatment doesn’t take particularly long even if it’s from psychological trauma. (They usually take years to sort out and cure in the best scenarios and most require a lifetime.)

29. Therapy offices usually have clients sit himself or herself on a couch staring at the ceiling. (This is not as common nowadays since most involve the client and therapist facing each other.)

30. Traumatic incidences and childhood upbringing can shape a person for who they are. (To some extent, yes, but it’s kind of up for debate.)

31. Rorschach tests are standard psychiatric procedure. (Most psychiatrists don’t value the test since it requires their own judgement on the patient’s answers and the blots you see in the media aren’t the ones necessarily used in real life.)

32. Serial killers who target women and sexual deviants have grown up with abusive parents, particularly mothers. (While many social deviants do have abusive childhoods, most of them do their crimes for simply no reason. Also, while someone with abusive parents is very likely to be abusive themselves, this doesn’t mean they will become serial killers or serial rapists.)

33. Psychologists and psychiatrists are the same. (Actually psychiatrists prescribe drugs while psychologist usually do therapy.)

34. Bullies have low self-esteem. (Most of them usually have an inflated sense of self-worth and get aggressive when their sense of superiority comes into question.)

35. Cult members are mindless sheep. (They’re just like everyone else who just want to belong to a social group.)

36. Autistic people are easy to identify. (There are plenty of people who may be autistic but you wouldn’t know it.)

37. Taking drugs can lead to a higher level of enlightenment. (There’s some debate about this.)

38. Only crazy and messed up people need therapy. (Even normal people are susceptible to mental illness.)

39. Word tests are conducted in which the therapist is interested in what the patient will respond. (Usually more interested in how long it takes than what words he or she says.)

40. An Oedipus Complex pertains to guy having an inappropriate relationship with his mother. (Can be but a guy doesn’t need to have a sexual relationship with his mom to have an Oedipus Complex. He just has to want to remove his father to further himself in the eyes of his mom. The female Electra Complex is kind of the same way with girls and their fathers. Has more to do with a child’s relationship with the same sex parent than anything.)

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Though I love old movies, I’ve never been such a fan of the horror genre, especially now many nowadays are just slasher movies. Of course, there are a few I actually like but most of them are old school and in black and white classics, and even from them, there are few which are actually scary. Still, despite old horror movies’ inability to scare me, I still enjoy them since they’re quite entertaining and sometimes unintentionally funny. But most movies that actually scare me tend to revolve around psycho killers, especially charming ones many wouldn’t suspect of killing anyone at least in the movie. Then there’s Diabolique which is about a murder plot gone horribly wrong after conducted at near perfect precision. Nevertheless, if you’re in a horror movie, there are plenty of things you could do to make sure what bumps in the night doesn’t get you. However, following these steps doesn’t guarantee your safety but will certainly lessen your chances. Not to mention, be glad you’re not in a war movie since your odds of dying are much higher.

1. If you’re a scientist, doctor, or medical student, don’t conduct secret projects in your basement, especially those which try to defy and/or violate scientific ethics or principles, involve lawbreaking or cruelty to animals, and/or come with consequences you aren’t willing to take responsibility for. (C’mon, we know these experiments will go horribly wrong and the local community will live with the consequences.)

a. If you create a potion, you might want to test it on small animals instead of drinking it yourself to conduct a scientific study analysis. (Because if you take it yourself, you will go insane and inflict your wrath around town before your inevitable death. Look at Dr. Jekyll and the Invisible Man. Women are perfectly fine though since the Invisible Woman actually went on to get married and live happily ever after making invisible babies. Of course, she really wasn’t a monster.)

2. If you’re an archaeologist or part of an archaeology expedition, stay the hell out of Egypt. (Or else, you’ll come across a tomb which is always cursed as well as have a mummy come back to life who may want to take up with your crew’s token female. And he won’t hesitate knocking you off in the process.)

3. Common Sense: learn it, use it, love it.

4. Avoid the following as much as possible: small towns or the middle of nowhere, small town gas stations, eerie barns, old houses with histories, Southern backwoods, forests, old hospitals, basements, run down areas, wax museums, campgrounds, tool sheds, places with one hanging light bulb, naturally creepy places, garages, castles, cemeteries, attics, dark damp places, New England, England, private islands, mom and pop hotels and inns, nuclear facilities, or the Deep South.

5. If you or your wife delivers a stillborn baby, do not consider adopting the orphan baby whose mother died in childbirth at the same hospital to replace it with, no matter how badly you want a kid. (The baby is the spawn of Satan and will amass a considerable body count by the end of the movie, including you, your spouse, and a nanny or two. I mean look what happened to Gregory Peck in The Omen.)

6. If you’re from out of town and looking for a place to stay the night especially during increment weather, stay away from Victorian houses, old creepy mansions, closets, castles, or a motel decorated with taxidermy and run by a socially awkward but seemingly pleasant young man. (I mean c’mon chances are you won’t last the night in any of them. And if you stay in the last one, you will probably be murdered by that seemingly pleasant young man in a dress while you’re taking a shower.)

7. Don’t plan to kill anyone, particularly your spouse, especially with the person your spouse is cheating on you with. (Chances are, your plan will backfire and you’ll be dead by the end even if it at first goes perfectly well.)

8. Be wary around young children who seem like perfect little angels in adult company but are greatly feared among the other kids. (Chances are there is something wrong with them and get to you when it’s too late. Finding out won’t stop them either.)

9. Pay attention to urban legends, ghost stories, town legends, anything related to the occult or superstition, or any other kind of knowledge as the plot demands even if you don’t believe it yourself. (Such knowledge will come in handy later.)

10. Expect the unexpected.

11. If you’re under 40 and/or single, don’t ever have sex or even attempt it until the responsible party is vanquished (assuming you or your love interest isn’t insinuating all this. If so, then break it up now). Doesn’t matter what your gender, your sexual preferences or tastes, whether you use protection, or how much experience you had. As long as there’s something scaring the place, abstinence is your only option. (Otherwise, you will be dead. As for rape victims and prostitutes, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.)

12. If you’re a young woman, don’t take your clothes off or show your breasts even for bathing or changing into something else, especially in slow motion. (The first woman to lose or remove her clothing dies.)

13. Unless it’s before 1970, don’t use drugs or alcohol. (Because you will end up doing stupid things which will allow the killer to find you, meaning you’re dead. If it’s before 1970, tobacco and alcohol are perfectly fine since everyone basically is using one or the other or both.)

14. Don’t think you can outsmart the killer or even try. (You can’t and you will fail.)

15. If you’re black, make sure you bring a black friend along with you who isn’t played by someone more famous than you are. (The token black person in the group always dies first or somewhere along the line as in Night of the Living Dead when the black guy is killed last by rednecks mistaken him for a zombie. Having such buddy will help you immensely.)

16. Stay away from Satanists. (They are in league with the devil and won’t hesitate to make you part of their plans whether it means to bring Satan to Earth or as a human sacrifice.)

17. If you think the killer is dead, don’t bend over or kneel beside it to make sure. Continuous hacking and shooting as well as setting it on fire are viable options. You need to better be damn sure. (Else, the monster will come back to life and kill you.)

18. For parents: if one of your kids sees something really wrong with a particular person whether it be your sibling, spouse, or some other kid, listen to them for God’s sake. (Or else, you’ll end up like Shelley Winters in The Night of the Hunter.)

19. Don’t even attempt to call anyone for there won’t be any service or reception, the cords will be snipped or the power is out, or there won’t be any phones. Phones aren’t helpful in horror movies. (You’ll be dead if you even answer one.)

20. If you’re confronted by the killer, don’t run up the stairs. (You won’t get out and will be killed.)

21. If you have a job, don’t work the graveyard shift, especially if you work in law-enforcement or as a security guard. (Those people are usually dead in the beginning.)

22. If some seemingly important person who’s well seasoned in these kind of things gives you any advice, listen to them unless doing so would break any other more logical guideline.

23. Make sure your flashlight has a fresh set of batteries or you take a spare pack with you. (Because when those flashlight batteries die, then so will you.)

24. If this is an Edgar Allan Poe story, make sure the house has no torture devices, homicidal freaks, or graves of anyone buried alive. Also, make sure your house doesn’t have any of these. (Else, God help you.)

25. Don’t go anywhere near creepy or strange sounds since they’re distractions. (And the killer will be right behind you.)

26. If it stars Boris Karloff or Vincent Price, you might want to avoid them. (They usually play the bad guys in horror movies and should never be trusted.)

27. Don’t try opening a door that’s been sealed for a long time if you don’t know the reasons behind it. (Chances are it was done for a very good reason.)

28. Don’t get locked in any building or business after hours.

29. Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following:

a. Doors or paper thin walls that can be easily broken down by shambling corpses.

b. Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.

c. Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.

d. Whispering walls.

e. Unusual closets or other alcoves that contain unusual objects or creatures.

f. Storage spaces beneath stairways.

g. Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.

h. In regard to basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before you move in.

29. Before you move in, get as much information as you can about the previous tenants. (This will save you much aggravation.)

30. Never stop to pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person. (You will regret it.)

31. Avoid people with the following features: men in black, people with pointy teeth or lots of facial hair, people with pale complexions who moan and sway, anyone frothing at the mouth, painted faces, or anyone with access to virgin’s blood who speaks Latin.

32. Check your nanny’s references before letting her near your kid.

33. If you’re a woman, be sure you’re a good woman and in order to be one you must:

a. Be a natural blonde.

b. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist preferably a world leading expert and perhaps follow in the guy’s footsteps.

c. Don’t wear make-up.

d. Either be a virgin or frigid and make everyone know about it.

e. Be in love with the bad scientist for the first part until he begins to mutate before at all cost switching allegiances to the good scientist.

f. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.

g. Hang around with the bad woman a lot.

34. If you’re a bad woman, be sure to buddy with the good woman and ready to squash the bad scientist the second his fortunes turn on him.

35. Always pay close attention to the dying words of any scientist, military-heavyweight, or anyone responsible for creating the monster. (It’s the only time they will divulge the vital clue to destroying the evil.)

36. When using the buddy system, make sure the other person is slower, weaker, or dumber than you. (Then it will be him or her who gets killed and not you.)

37. While in a group, sleep in shifts. If alone, drink a lot of coffee. (The monster is very likely to get you while you’re asleep.)

38. Think for your own survival first no matter how close you are to the people you’re with. If you survive, you’ll be on your own anyway. (Friends, family, and enemies are expendable here.)

39. Always listen to usually insane people, particularly little old ladies.

40. Never wear a uniform or a badge. (You’ll die within ten minutes.)

41. If you see inanimate objects come to life and/or attack you and it’s not a Disney movie, run for your life.

42. Never open anything that’s been chained, nailed, welded, wax sealed shut, especially if it’s been hidden for a long time.

43. Don’t read anything aloud or solve any puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

45. Avoid animals exhibiting behavior that wouldn’t be considered normal and perhaps more hostile than usual. (There’s something wrong with them and they will kill if you don’t call Animal Control.)

46. If your pet begins behaving erratically in a particular person’s presence, avoid him or her at all costs, even if he or she’s your spouse, child, or relative.

47. If there’s a demon in your house, call your local exorcist immediately regardless of religious denomination. (He may die but at least you and your family will be okay even if there’s possession involved.)

48. Don’t go to the bathroom even if it’s an emergency. (Relieving yourself will get you killed.)

49. Curiosity kills.

50. For slasher films: unless you’re the blonde virgin girl with the androgynous name, you might want to write your last will and testament since there can be no hope for you.

51. Don’t touch strange looking plants.

52. If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior like hissing, a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, and increasing hairiness, go away as soon as possible.

53. Stay away from strangers bearing tools such as: chainsaws, staple guns, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws, or any device from deceased companions.

54. If you’re a guy, don’t be the funny smart-ass. (Else, you’ll be dead.)

55. If you’re looking for something that may be dangerous in the house, turn on the lights or use a flashlight. (Monsters only haunt in the dark.)

56. Never babysit or be a camp counselor.

57. If running away from the monster, try to make the least amount of noise as possible, especially if you’re a girl. (Loose lips create stiffs.)

58. Always be superstitious.

59. If it’s Friday the 13th or Halloween, you might want to go into hiding.

60. The monster is never who you think it is.

For More:

Horror Movie Survival Guide: http://www.horrormoviesurvivalguide.com/

From a website: http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm

From About.com: http://horror.about.com/od/horrorthemelists/ss/How-to-Survive-a-Horror-Movie.htm

For the Last Time, Snow Doesn’t Disprove Global Warming

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Winter is a time for snow and cold temperatures. And sometimes, winters in my area don’t even have that. However, whenever some kind of blizzard and sub zero temperatures ravage some part of the US, the only people who seem happy are children and global warming deniers. Of course, with kids it’s because school is cancelled and they can play in the snow all they want building snowmen, going sled riding, and having a snowball fight. And those sick with the flu don’t need to worry about catching up with their homework. Still, that doesn’t mean their parents will be so lucky since many will need to go to work, shovel snow from the drive way, or brave the harsh road conditions. Still, at least kids have a reason to love snowstorms which pertains more to their routine than their own convoluted scientific understanding.

Which brings me to the other group, global warming deniers. You see these people on Fox News who try to make any excuse as to why global warming doesn’t exist despite being a broad consensus in the scientific community that it does, especially among climate scientists. Of course, global warming does pertain to the unequivocal and continuing rise in the Earth’s climate system mostly due to man made carbon emissions and greenhouse gases trapped in the Earth’s atmosphere. However, many of these global warming deniers tend to use cold and increment weather as a way to disprove global warming’s very existence as if the scientific community consists of a bunch of idiots. Unfortunately for them, global warming doesn’t work that way. Just because the average global temperature may increase doesn’t necessarily mean warmer winters or warmer weather in general. It just means that global temperature increases may lead to a more disruptive and unstable climate which will lead to long term ecological destruction and consequences from region to region be it rapid melting of glaciers in the polar regions, heatwaves, droughts,  heavy rainfall, ocean acidification, the presence of more destructive storms and hurricanes, rise of sea levels, expansion of subtropical deserts, and mass species extinctions. Oh, and the global temperature doesn’t need to increase by that much either (since the early 20th century the air and sea surface temperature has increased by 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit) and that more serious snowstorms and record low temperatures may also be a leading effect of global warming.

Of course, there have been increasingly warmer winters in recent years and over the past century, but that doesn’t mean that one winter may be warmer as the last. Nor can you disprove the existence of global warming by a single weather event and may make even winter weather events like a polar vortex even worse which may be caused by the exact same weather phenomenon responsible for other extreme weather patterns: melting sea ice. Now as the planet warms, Arctic sea ice melts the northern polar region equalizes a bit with temperatures farther south. This causes the northern latitude jet stream usually holding the far colder Arctic air in place with 100mph winds to slow down. When this happens, pockets of cold are more prone to escape to the south. This year, it’s said that the amount of cold air leaked past the seal is much larger than usual and has pushed farther south. So this means global warming may be the reason why it’s cold outside and not it’s non-existence.

Now many global warming deniers may go on and on how humans can’t change the climate and that climate change may be a natural phenomenon. Of course, there have been plenty of natural climate change phenomenon as we know from prehistoric times. But can man made environmental destruction change climate and weather patterns? Absolutely and it has even in our own time. Non-sustainable agricultural practices in the US and Canadian prairies created the conditions for the large scaled erosion associated with the Dust Bowl of the 1930s. Widespread wolf hunting in Yellowstone National Park led to an overpopulation of elk and nearly diminished the park’s ecology and natural beauty for years until the wolves were brought back. Invasive species have been known to kill many natural wildlife particularly on islands while deforestation can lead to more floods, drought, and soil erosion. CFCs have resulted in a hole in the ozone in Antarctica leading many near the place to be exposed to higher levels of ultraviolet radiation. And pollution not only leads to species endangerment and habitat destruction but also to increased risk of respiratory diseases and possible economic ruin. If you ever think why people would devote their lives to saving a particular animal species is ridiculous, then you don’t understand ecology, my friend. And if humans are capable of disrupting entire ecosystems and environments, then they’re certainly capable of causing climate change which can bring it’s own share of ecological destruction as well. Since global warming leads to more disruptive and unpredictable weather patterns, then its impact on the environment will affect our lives as well. And if we don’t acknowledge its existence or resolve to do something about it, then we might as well plant the seeds of our own destruction.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Valentines Day has never been one of my favorite holidays but is nevertheless one involving card exchanges showing how much we love each other. Previous generations have done the same as well. Of course there are plenty of cute vintage valentines out there while some are kind of a bit, let me just say, strange and probably should never see a mailbox. Besides, may lead to the receiver wondering if their secret admirer has any account for taste or was the designer just on acid. So here is a look at some of the freakiest vintage valentines ever sent in the days of old.

1. Nothing brings the Valentine’s Day spirit  than joking about flagrant white supremacist violence on black people.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I've ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine's Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn't very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I’ve ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine’s Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn’t very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

2. Nothing says “Be Mine” in the sincerest form than in armed intimidation.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

3. Of course, nothing tells your valentine how sweet they are than card depicting a girl in a flaming cauldron.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I'm not sure if any of us would want to be told we're sweet enough to eat.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I’m not sure if any of us would want to be told we’re sweet enough to eat.

4. Nothing says, Happy Valentine’s Day than saying you’re planning to skin your beloved’s head and offend Native Americans.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I'm so sorry.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I’m so sorry.

5. Nothing says, “Be Mine” than treating your beloved like cattle.

I'm not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I'm not a cow and branding is for cattle.

I’m not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I’m not a cow and branding is for cattle.

6. Finally, nothing says “Be My Valentine” than your willingness to be fried and served over easy.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

7. Hunting out for a Valentine, willing to settle for bear.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

8. Somehow this valentine highly suggests whether you’re either willing to abduct or just a big devotee of 50 Shades of Grey.

And it's even more disturbing since it's a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

And it’s even more disturbing since it’s a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

9. Nothing says “Be Mine” than a valentine depicting prehistoric assault.

Somehow I don't see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy's dwelling as anything romantic.

Somehow I don’t see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy’s dwelling as anything romantic.

10. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than saying “Be mine or I’ll kill myself.”

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

11. Happy Valentine’s Day from Captain Sex Offender.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you'll like it or not.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you’ll like it or not.

12. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Horny Mad Scientist Vampire.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

13. Nothing shows your love on Valentine’s Day than running over your sweetheart.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I'm sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I’m not sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

14. Happy Valentine’s Day from the creepy kid putting his heart on a platter.

So how is this a Valentine's Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

So how is this a Valentine’s Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

15. Nothing depicts the spirit of Valentine’s Day more than a child ice skating with his humongous shaggy dog.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man's best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man’s best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

16. This says: “Be Mine” or else I’ll rip your teeth out.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don't submit to sender.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don’t submit to sender.

17. Nothing says “I love you” to your sweetheart than suggesting that they’ll go after you with a hammer if you ever try seeing someone else.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

18. The best way for your sweetheart to be yours is sending a valentine of a creepy clown.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don't think this will help.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don’t think this will help.

19. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than a valentine depicting a creepy girl.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that's not cute at all.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that’s not cute at all.

20. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than saying that you’ll do whatever the say.

Jesus, lady, I know you're a waitress but please get a life.

Jesus, lady, I know you’re a waitress but please get a life.

21. Nothing gets in the spirit of Valentines Day than a valentine of a rabid sheep.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

22. Give your sweetheart a valentine of a gangster with a loaded gun and they’ll know you mean business.

And you don't want to say no to a gangster, do you?

And you don’t want to say no to a gangster, do you?

23. A great way to tell your valentine that they’re a hunk of heart of burning love for you.

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That's insane!

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That’s insane!

24. If you want to send love to your valentine, then tell them through your ventriloquism.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time. It will certainly give you nightmares.

25. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than a card showing one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

26. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than your willingness to be held at the stocks in public humiliation.

I hear a lot about "taking stock" but this is ridiculous.

I hear a lot about “taking stock” but this is ridiculous.

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy stuck in the ice cube.

I'd much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don't think he can just "thaw out" though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can't describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can't I?

I’d much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don’t think he can just “thaw out” though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can’t describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can’t I?

28. I knew that Dorothy had it in for the Tin Man.

Please, I don't want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

Please, I don’t want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

29. You know your dog loves you if he farts in your face as a valentine.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

30. Happy Valentines Day from the person who caught a contagious heart disease from you.

Hmmm....perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don't let me guess how it's spread.

Hmmm….perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don’t let me guess how it’s spread.

31. Happy Valentines Day from the squirrel who wants to kidnap you.

Because he's so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

Because he’s so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

32. Nothing says I’ll be your valentine than agreeing to be their mindless mook they don’t have to care about.

Let's just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it's never innocent. Also, you don't want anyone to be your dictator.

Let’s just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it’s never innocent. Also, you don’t want anyone to be your dictator.

33. Happy Valentines Day from the creepy child in the nail seat.

He's probably screaming from a sore asshole.

He’s probably screaming from a sore asshole.

34. Happy Valentine’s Day, and you’ll be sure you see the point from my Swiss Army Knife.

I'm not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

I’m not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

35. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a young girl suggesting you to do BDSM with her.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I'm not sure this is innocent.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I’m not sure this is innocent.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from the worm in the rotten apple.

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

37. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a not so innocent reference to bestiality.

I'm sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her steers or bulls a little too much for her own good.

I’m sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her little doagies a little too much here.

38. Happy Valentine’s Day from cute artist or creepy psycho killer child with creepy dog.

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

39. Happy Valentine’s Day from Cupid selling the barbecue hearts special.

Something tells me having one's heart on a platter really doesn't suit my stomach right now.

Something tells me having one’s heart on a platter really doesn’t suit my stomach right now.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from scary and offensive Chinese laundry man.

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

41. Happy Valentine’s Day from creepy old dude who may look like Satan.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day now be my puppet.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

43. And you thought your doctor was a creep.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

44. A valentine that shows how much you’re willing to hammer it in.

I'm not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

I’m not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from the dog gunner with a heart shaped machine gun.

Be his or he'll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

Be his or he’ll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

46. Nothing says “Be my valentine” than seeing someone willing to eat fire for you.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I'm not sure if I'd like someone do that for me.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I’m not sure if I’d like someone do that for me.

47. Happy Valentine’s Day from the mad cow.

And that cow certainly looks like there's something wrong with it. And please don't feed me its brains.

And that cow certainly looks like there’s something wrong with it. And please don’t feed me its brains.

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your sweetheart or friend with benefits.

Something tells me that "screwy" may not have innocent connotations here.

Something tells me that “screwy” may not have innocent connotations here.

49. Happy Valentine’s Day from the butcher.

And yes, he's got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you're not a vegetarian or vegan.

And yes, he’s got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you’re not a vegetarian or vegan or he’ll cleave you.

50. Happy Valentine’s Day from Satan.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

The Coroner Doth Protest Too Much – Questionable Death Verdicts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

While everyone arrives in this world one way, there are plenty of ways for people to die, just ask the people who do the Darwin Awards. Still, while determining a deceased’s cause of death may be easy in most circumstances especially if we’re well acquainted with them, some aren’t so straightforward. Then there are the cases in which cause of death is highly debatable as well as some that are ruled as one thing but seem almost entirely another. Without further adieu, here are some of the more questionable death verdicts from officials in real stories, historic examples, and urban legends.(I don’t include people who died from mysterious circumstances under modern dictators because we probably know what happened to them. I won’t do recent cases either).

1. The deceased: Bekhter, the ambitious half-brother of Temujin (a. k. a. Genghis Khan as we know him).

Official Cause of Death: Hunting Accident

Reason to suspect otherwise: One source argues that Temujin and his brother Kasar killed Bekhter in which it says that he spied on their outcast family for the Tayichiut tribe who threw them all out a few years ago and hunted Temujin. Also said to have a brother named Begutei who was his half-brother’s loyal friend and assistant. You also have to consider  that Temujin’s father was poisoned when he was nine years old and the tribal politics of the day in which such incidents probably weren’t that uncommon.

Probability: Since this was the 1100s – 1200s in Mongolia we’re talking about, we really can’t be sure. Could be a number of things. Mongols didn’t lead easy lives. Also, hunting was a way of life for them.

Verdict: Indeterminable.

2. The deceased: William II (Rufus), King of England from 1087-1100

Official Cause of Death: Hunting Accident in the New Forest with a crossbow bolt to his lung.

Reason to suspect otherwise: William was a ruthless king (of course most medieval kings had to be) and not well liked from the nobles. Also, it’s said that his hunting buddies abandoned him right afterwards and his body was discovered a few days later by peasants and brought back. Then you have his youngest brother the soon-to-be Henry I Beauclerc who may have been itching for the throne and said to receive cash from his father William the Conqueror instead of the usual land holdings, figuring the kid would eventually end up with everything anyway. Apparently he did. Also, wasn’t uncommon for medieval kings to be killed by family members. May seem a little too convenient.

Probability: Hmm…Well, William did die while he was certainly out hunting with his buddies and they did abandon him. Then again, they may have left him in the New Forest out of being worried about their old holdings. A king’s death might put their feudal claims in jeopardy.

Verdict: Indeterminable.

3. The deceased: An Englishman found in his apartment decapitated by a chainsaw.

Official Cause of Death: Accident for the British police ruled his death as “not suspicious.”

Reason to suspect otherwise: Well, an article says that he was the last tenant in a remaining block of apartments set to be cleared for redevelopment. Also, chainsaw decapitation is usually not self-inflicted.

Probability: Though there have been people who decapitated themselves with a chainsaw in the Darwin Awards (requiring a rare exceptional level of stupidity). So it’s possible but  highly unlikely.

Verdict: I’m fairly 99.9% sure this was murder just by the chainsaw decapitation alone.

4. The deceased: A Russian man fished out from a river wrapped in sellotape and stuffed in a large zipped up sack.

Official Cause of Death: Russian authorities say that the man was standing on a bridge unreeling sellotape. During a sudden gust of wind, the sellotape wrapped against the man resulting in him losing balance and falling over the rail right into the sack hanging on to it. The current dragged the sack downstream after it sunk with the slider caught on a snag and fastening itself. Totally accidental.

Reason to suspect otherwise: That the official version makes less logical sense than supposing he’d been murdered by the Russian organized crime syndicate or by the police who made up this bullshit (since Russia is notorious for having a corrupt police force and that people have dashboard cameras to use as evidence). I think a better death verdict would be that someone seized the man, wrapped him in sellotape and stuffed him in a sack which was fastened before being thrown into the river to drown. Also, why the hell would a guy be unreeling sellotape on a bridge and how could a gust of wind result in the sellotape unwrapping itself? And how could that guy just so happen to fall into a sack which fastened itself? Jesus Christ!

Probability: I don’t know if any medical examiner in the US would look at such a case without suspecting a possible mob hit. I can’t think how such a death could be accidental.

Verdict: Murder. I mean isn’t it obvious?

5. The deceased: Giuseppe Pinelli, suspect of the Piazza Fontana Building, who jumped out of a window after saying “It’s Anarchy’s End!”

Official Cause of Death: Italian police ruled accident.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Well, he kind of made a rousing exclamation before jumping out a window while being a bombing suspect. I would suggest he jumped to his death on purpose to evade capture. Suicide.

Probability: How could anyone actually jump out of a window by accident? Other than a construction worker or something?

Verdict: Most likely a suicide.

6. The deceased: A British spy who who had missing for two years found dead by asphyxiation with a padlocked duffel bag in his bathtub.

Official Cause of Death: One theory says it was a warped case of erotic asphyxiation in which the guy wormed his way into the duffel bag, zipped it all the way up, and padlocked it.

Reason to suspect otherwise: The guy was found like this after being missing for two freaking years! If he really did die by erotic asphyxiation, I think the police would’ve gotten to him a lot sooner wouldn’t they? My guess is that the person with him probably stuffed him in a duffel bag, zipped it all the way up, padlocked it so he wouldn’t get out, and left him there after throwing him in his bathtub. And being a spy, the motives for killing him are endless.

Probability: Well, some people do have kinky sex lives and tend to do kinky stuff solo but really? If he was playing a sex game, surely he wouldn’t be missing for two freaking years!

Verdict: I don’t know about you, but it looks like murder to me.

7. The deceased: Russian Prince Dmitry, youngest son of Czar Ivan the Terrible and possible heir to the throne after his death during the reign of Boyar (noble) Boris Godunov. Found stabbed in the woods at eight years old.

Official Cause of Death: According to Godunov and his official investigators said he accidentally slit his own throat during a seizure.

Reason to suspect otherwise: For one, he was found with a slit throat in the woods. Second, since he was Ivan the Terrible’s son (even though the Russian Orthodox Church saw him as illegitimate) he would have a much better claim to the throne than Boris Godunov (who was only Ivan’s daughter-in-law’s brother). And he had been exiled when Boris became de facto ruler after Ivan’s death. Also, many Russian historians theorize this (since Boris Godunov is a celebrated major figure in Russian history). Not to mention, killing royal brats isn’t very uncommon in Russian history (look at the Romanovs during the Russian Revolution and like Anastasia, Dmitry, too, had his string of impostors).

Probability: Of course, there is a theory he might’ve had a seizure while playing a Russian knife game svaika (don’t try this at home) with him holding the blade toward his neck, but most epileptics experience seizures with their palms wide open making self-infliction highly unlikely.

Verdict: Given the circumstances, it seems more likely Boris had Dmitry assassinated.

8. The deceased: Two teenage boys run over by a train in rural Arkansas.

Official Cause of Death: According to the local coroner, these kids got run over by a train while passed out stoned after smoking two dozen marijuana joints. So totally accidental.

Reason to suspect otherwise: This has been disputed by the train conductor and a second autopsy. The train conductor said that the boys were lined up perfectly parallel to each other so intoxication was highly unlikely. A second autopsy noted that there was barely any marijuana in the boys’ systems and that one of them may have already been dead when the train hit them, suggesting they may have been killed elsewhere and placed on the track to make their deaths look like an accident. Seems like murder to me.

Probability: Of course, people do get run over by trains all the time (I’ve known a few who have). This situation with the boys seems too cut and dry like it was something from Double Indemnity (and yes, that movie involved killing a guy and having him fall off from a train).

Verdict: Murder, plain and simple.

9. The deceased: Abie “Kid Twist” Reles dead after falling out of a window at the Half Moon Hotel in Coney Island in 1941

Official Cause of Death: Police charged with “protecting” him said he fell out the window while trying to get away.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Reles was in the process to testify against his bosses at Murder Inc.- sending several to the electric chair. Seems more plausible that the police may not have been so helpful and probably pushed him out the window or they weren’t doing their jobs.

Probability: Highly unlikely because it seems to have some similarities on how Eva Marie Saint’s brother died in On the Waterfront (and he was also set to testify).

Verdict: Murder, obviously.

10. The deceased: A man found decapitated in Arkansas.

Official Cause of Death: According to a medical examiner, died of perforated ulcer and that a dog ate his head. Still, ruled it as perfectly natural causes.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Decapitation kills a person a lot quicker than a perforated ulcer. I mean, isn’t it obvious. Also, dogs don’t normally eat human heads, unless they’re zombie dogs.

Probability: How does one die of a perforated ulcer after being decapitated? Oh, wait, he doesn’t because he’s already dead by decapitation.

Verdict: Obviously murder. The medical examiner is an idiot.

11. The deceased: King Cleomenes of Sparta, found dead with flesh carved from his legs, hips, and stomach with a bloodstained knife lying next to him.

Official Cause of Death: Everyone agreed he killed himself.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Where to begin? Well, he was exiled for bribing a Delphic Oracle. He intimidated his way back to power threatening rebellion but was accused of insanity by his half-brothers and put in the stocks. Oh, and his skin was carved.

Probability: Really? Does someone really flay their own skin? I don’t think so.

Verdict: Most likely he was murdered and no one wanted to lose theirs since Sparta executed people for saying that.

12. The deceased: A female US Army private who was raped.

Official Cause of Death: According to the Department of Defense, she committed suicide. Their report says she punched herself in the face which resulted in loose front teeth and a broken nose, mutilated her genital area before being douched with acid. After that, she poured a combustible liquid on herself before setting herself on fire and inflicting a shot in her head. She survived long enough to drag herself to a KBR contractor leaving a bloody trail all the way and setting setting his tent ablaze to cover up her own self-inflicted crimes.

Reason to suspect otherwise: It makes more sense that she was raped and murdered by a KBR contractor who shot her in the head an poured gasoline on everything before setting his tent on fire. Seems like too much overkill to be a suicide. It’s not that complicated. Clearly someone must be covering up for KBR at Department of Defense.

Probability: Seriously, this doesn’t hold up to any logic in reality to be a suicide since suicides only require relatively few actions. Besides, no one would put him or herself through that kind of self-mutilation.

Verdict: Rape and murder, obviously.

13. The deceased: French admiral, Pierre-Charles Villeneuve found dead in 1806 at the Hotel de la Patrie in Rennes with seven stab wounds to the chest.

Official Cause of Death: Suicide.

Reason to suspect otherwise: For one, this guy is most famous for losing the Battle of Trafalgar. Also, one stab wound might seem like suicide but seven? Really that’s kind of overkill.

Probability: It’s pretty impossible for someone to stab themselves seven times in the chest. Also, he probably had plenty of people angry with him.

Verdict: Murder.

14. The deceased: Officer Terrence Yeakey.

Official Cause of Death: Suicide. Said he slashed his own hands and throat, crawl a mile or so of rough terrain, and shot himself in the head with the revolver pointing downwards from a distance to get no powder burns.

Reason to suspect otherwise: For God’s sake, the guy was lying dead with slash throat and wrists as well as a bullet to the head with a revolver aimed downwards at considerable distance. Either the guy had extendable elastic arms or was obviously murdered. Also, they didn’t find a gun at the scene of the crime. Also, you couldn’t crawl a mile in rough terrain after slashing your own wrists and throat.

Probability: Highly unlikely that anyone could commit suicide in such fashion.

Verdict: Murder.

15. The deceased: Earl Little, Baptist lay preacher and father of Malcolm X.

Official Cause of Death: Ruled as a suicide in which Little shot himself in the back of the head and tied himself to a railroad. Some say it was a streetcar accident.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Let’s just say, Malcolm X had a good reason to be angry at whites since he had a very shitty childhood which deeply affected him as an adult (though he didn’t advocate violence and was willing to work with Martin Luther King Jr.). His father was a very big influence in his early life and had been active in black pride movements as well as admired Marcus Garvey, though he died when Malcolm was six. Not to mention, various members of the Little family may have been frequent targets of white violence (like Malcolm’s three uncles) and the family had moved three times because of threats from the KKK and the Black Legion. Also, while there was a gunshot wound, there was no gun.

Probability: Malcolm and his family never really believed that Earl died in an accident or killed himself and I might want to take their word on it.

Verdict: Murder, which was probably racially motivated.

16. The deceased: Alexandre Stavisky, early 20th century French embezzler. Found dead from a bullet wound in 1934.

Official Cause of Death: Officially ruled as a suicide. One satirical newspaper said, “Stavisky committed suicide by a bullet which was shot at a 3 meter range (about 10 feet). That’s what you get when you have a long arm.” (a French expression for wielding a lot of wealth and influence.)

Reason to suspect otherwise: The guy was involved in a scandal pertaining to him making deals with government officials and some newspapers have speculated he was shot by police. Also, the guy was killed by a bullet fired ten feet away from him.

Probability: You can’t kill yourself firing a bullet ten feet away from you. There’s just no way.

Verdict: Murder, obviously.

How to Survive a War Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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While trying to survive a murder mystery comes with it’s own share a difficulties, trying to survive a war movie presents a different set of challenges that make surviving a murder mystery look like a piece of cake. In war movies, death and destruction are everywhere and serve as the norm and no matter what side, what role you play in the story, or how well you follow these tips, your survival is no guarantee. Luckily, many war movies are set in history and chances are you may be someone who actually existed which may help in he long run. Still, here are some guideline on how to survive a war movie. I’ll use the model you’ll find in most Hollywood World War II movies since they make plenty of them but I won’t focus on ships or aviation though.

1. Make sure you’re on the right side. (In Hollywood movies, the formula goes as follows: If you’re in a film set during WWII, the American Revolution, and most American wars in general before 1950, you probably want to be on whatever side the US is on. Exceptions are the US Civil War and World War I since one was fought amongst Americans and the other is usually made to portray the horrors of war in general. If you’re in a film set during the British Empire, the Elizabethan Era, or the Napoleonic Wars, you’d want to side with the Brits. If you’re in a war movie based on a Shakespearean play, stick with the English. Other wars, it mostly depends on the history or point of view.)

2. Make sure you’re based on a real person instead of a fictional creation. (Of course, this may help you or hurt you, depending on whether that person survived the incident or the war. Still, odds are pretty good if your character actually existed.)

3. Be played by a famous actor. (If your character is played by a big movie star like Tom Hanks, you will probably last a very long time.)

4. Be among the main characters. (Odds are good you’ll last a long time, especially if you’re the protagonist.)

5. If you’re the main character, make sure the narrator is either yourself or your child. (Odds are good you won’t die, especially if the narrator is either you or someone who depends on you to exist. Age of child is also a factor.)

6. Don’t show a picture of your girlfriend back home to your soldier buddies no matter how much you love her, how much you want to marry her, or how lovely or attractive she is. (Guys who show a picture of their girlfriends back home will be among the first ones to get shot even if she’s his fiancee. Death happens less often to guys showing a picture of his wife, kids, friends, or other family members.)

7. Don’t tell anyone that your tour of duty or enlistment will be up within less than a month’s time or discuss your future plans after the war. (Chances are you’re a dead man.)

8. Don’t be a spy or a traitor. (You’ll be found out and shot dead.)

9. If you’re a member of a band of brothers unit in a platoon or company, unless you’re the main character, don’t be (can be of any enlisted rank but you know the generalities):

a. Private New-Recruit-Who-Enlisted-Just-Out-Of-High-School or Private Guy-Who-Lied-About-His-Age-To-Join.

b. Private Relative-Or-Friend-Of-Major-Character

c. Private Wanting-To-See-Real-Action or Private Enthusiastically-Idealistically-Patriotic

d. Private Guy-Who-Owes-Something-To-Old-Schoolfriend

e. Private Jolly-Fat-Guy

f. Private Only-Likeable-Guy-In-Group

g. Corporal Cool-Guy-With-Ambiguities

h. Corporal Shell-Shocked-Veteran

i. Corporal Guy-With-Homosexual-Longings

j. Corporal Token-Insert-Nationality-Here (unless American or played by David Niven) or Corporal Token-Insert-Ethnicity-Here

k. Corporal Guy-With-Social-Background-Issues

l. Corporal Smartest-Guy-Here or Corporal Warrior-Poet

m. Corporal Resident-Clown

n. Corporal Nickname

o. Corporal Guy-With-Endearing-Quirk-Or-Skill

p. Corporal Pacifist-Conscript (Unless you’re the titular Sergeant York but he was real.)

q. Sergeant Oldest-Guy-In-His-Unit

r. Sergeant Best-Damn-Soldier-In-Unit

10. As for the NCO or officer to serve under make sure it’s not (can be of any NCO or officer rank):

a. Sergeant Nutso

b. Lieutenant I-Got-This-Promotion-Because-Of-Politics

c. Captain Upper-Class-Twit

d. Major Zero-Respect-For-His-Men

e. Lieutenant Colonel Incapable-Of-Fear

f. Colonel Arrogant-Prick

11. Try to avoid getting a serious injury unless it gets you sent home and doesn’t entail you to experience the medical horrors of the time period. (Survival odds from real serious injuries depend on the setting so while having a limb amputated in a WWII film will get you home, it will result in death in a US Civil War film. As in any movie involving a wooden war ship, if you survive amputation, chances are you will not get an automatic discharge. Those with less serious wounds will be patched up, given leave, and will eventually have to return to the front unless on a wooden war ship.)

12. Only accept souvenirs and tokens from beautiful young women and children you saved which will be helpful. And don’t loot anything off a slain enemy, especially if he’s already dead when you found him no matter how useful his stash is. (You will live to regret it.)

13. If you’re a prisoner of war, remain in capture of your enemies until you’re either liberated or the war is over no matter how bad the enemy’s treating you. No matter how desperate you are, make no effort to escape. (Since escaping from a POW facility will get you either killed, sent back, or commanded to return but on a dangerous mission under blackmail which will get you fragged by a former fellow inmate trying to stop you.)

14. While you’re a POW and an officer, make sure your morale boosting projects aren’t helping the enemy. (Anyone who’s seen The Bridge on the River Kwai knows why Colonel Nicholson couldn’t survive the film.)

15. If you’re serving in a non-combat unit, no matter how intolerable your commanding officer is or how bored you are, don’t ever request a transfer to combat duty. (Mr. Roberts should’ve stayed a merchant marine and be grateful for his role in the war effort.)

16. For officers, veterans, or NCOs: Don’t be a mentor to some new recruit or become some kind of father figure to your men. Also, don’t strive to be a benevolent and competent authority figure who wouldn’t risk putting his men in senseless danger. (Only a messy and disturbing death will befall you near the end. Best be a complete and incompetent jerk but not to the degree that you endanger the men for no reason.)

17. If you’re on leave or have deserted your post, don’t spend an extended time contemplating with increase resolve to return to the front. (You will be shot in the climatic battle like Montgomery Clift in From Here to Eternity.)

18. Enlisted men: Whenever your sergeant says, “I’m not making you go; anyone who wants to can bow out of this with no consequences.” Bow out. (Or else, you and everyone else in your unit will be dead by the end but your respect for your sergeant may cloud your judgement.)

19. While on leave, don’t fall in love or get married even if she’s the girl of your dreams, pregnant with your kid, or has a poor family in need. (You won’t have a future wit her even if the film’s a musical. Of course, if you knocked her up, you might want to marry her so she and your baby can benefit from your life insurance policy if you have one. One exception is if you’re a British soldier who falls for an American servicewoman while your plane crashed. In this case, love will help immensely, especially when you’re fighting for your chance to live in a celestial court.)

20. Don’t name your gun or get too attached with your weapon. (Ole’ Bess won’t save you.)

21. If you should have a pet, make sure it’s a dog or mouse and keep it with you at all times. Don’t set it free or let a friend take care of it for you under any circumstances. (You won’t see it again unless it’s a horse your family lent to the war effort who will reunite with you after a few years of being subject to different owners while you lay temporarily blind by your bed side, even if it has to get caught up in barbed wire.)

22. If you’re an officer, be a sympathetic military maverick who can get away with anything and knowing that soldiers win war for making the other poor dumb bastards die for their country. (Like Patton.)

23. Don’t retreat from battle unless everyone else does or if you plan to return with reinforcements at the last minute.

24. Avoid heartwarming and touching cultural exchanges with an enemy on the other side unless he’s about to die or if your trapped with him behind the lines and dies anyway.

25. Don’t underestimate the practical applications in the latest weapons technology even if your commanding officers do. Be sure to have all the ammunition you need for a battle and add plenty of extra magazines you can cram in your pockets for safe measure. Also, make sure your weapon is maintained so it doesn’t jam. (Well, if you can. Still, you’ll need all the ammo you can get.)

26. Don’t share a foxhole or trench with anyone braver, louder, crazier, or stupider than you.

27. Disregard any advice that goes against good common sense or your training.

28. If taken prisoner, don’t be a smart ass in front of your interrogators who may already be angry with you.

29. Don’t turn your back on anyone you’ve just shot, stabbed, or thrown from a moving vehicle. (Chances are they’re just faking and waiting to stab you in the back.)

30. Never grab a flag or standard and charge headlong at the enemy screaming no matter how inspiring or memorable it is. (You’ll be shot and dead within five minutes.)

31. If you’re in a place that sees no action, don’t talk about your good fortune. And tell your loved ones back home to refrain from such talk as well. (Remember your luck can easily change and you don’t want that to happen.)

32. Avoid love triangles at all times, especially involving your best friend or brother. (Happens in a lot of war movies. If you’re in a war movie love triangles your chances of surviving are 33-50% depending if the object of your affections is back home or a civilian you met on your tour of duty {and this usually involves two guys vying over a girl not two girls vying over a guy}. Still, at least one person in a love triangle has to die while the other remaining may not get the girl anyway and will feel bad about it.)

33. Only write letters if they can also serve as voice over narration and don’t write a letter to your mother, wife, girlfriend, or brother and put it in your top left shirt pocket. (You won’t finish it or send it, especially if your name is Sullivan Ballou during Bull Run and the recipient is your wife Sarah.)

34. Constantly openly fret about your survival and say why war is hell.

35. Don’t participate in any general’s plan to end the war by Christmas. (It’s a suicide mission and will not end the war by Christmas.)

36. Don’t reach for anything just over the trench.

37. If you witness your fellow soldiers committing a war crime, don’t say anything even if you’re morally opposed to such atrocities until you’re back at the base and with evidence. If your superior officer orders you to commit a war crime, simply pull a gun right in front of him and tell him this is unlawful before relieving him of command by force. If it’s likely the chain of command will be unsympathetic if you tell the whole truth in debriefing, frag him. (Else you’ll get killed and so will the village. Happens in a lot of movies about Vietnam.)

38. Pay attention to all safety briefings, language classes, and any area familiarity before any mission.

39. Don’t swear, make scatological or sexual references, use racially insensitive terms, or make any reference to drug use. Also, force others to do likewise especially if it’s a family movie. (Like PG-13.)

40. Refuse all good luck charms. (They won’t work.)

41. Be nice to local civilians regardless of their loyalties. (You will get killed if you don’t try to earn their respect.)

42. When given the chance to shoot a newly captured unarmed or wounded enemy, just do it until he’s dead. (It will assure you that he won’t pose a danger to you or your friends. Any guilt over this, you can tell your grandchildren or spouse in a tearful fashion years later.)

43. If you’re fighting in the desert to the last man against a force drastically outnumbering you, make sure you seek a fortress near a vast untapped water reservoir so when that’s shot off the enemy will surrender. (This is a plot to Sahara.)

44. If you’re on a wooden war ship, make sure you’re not assigned as the mast lookout or near the cannons. (They always get killed in these kind of films.)

45. If you’re American, join the navy. (Many films that feature the US Navy hardly have anyone getting killed {since they’re usually more drama or comedy oriented than action packed} but this doesn’t mean your survival is an absolute guarantee. It just means you have better odds than an army soldier or a pilot since you’re on a ship. Remember what happened in Mr. Roberts when he got transferred to a combat ship during WWII, especially in the Pacific Ocean.)

46. If you’re in the service, be a woman. (Servicewomen are less likely to get killed than servicemen in the same scenario. Compare how the American nurse and the American radio guy find love in the musical South Pacific. Guess who gets the happy ending.)

47. If you find yourself alone, don’t break into any civilian households on enemy soil. (Scarlett shoots a Union soldier doing this in Gone with the Wind. Mrs. Miniver almost does this to a German soldier but turns him to the local cops instead.)

48. If you’re a fighter pilot, make sure your nickname doesn’t sound girly or is the name of a cartoon character. Choose something cool and manly.

49. Know lots of amusing sound off songs. (Makes everyone’s survival more likely.)

50. If you’re a sniper in a sniper duel, make sure the sun isn’t in front of you. (Or you’ll be shot in the eye.)