The Wonderful World of Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 7, 2014

Here is a bronze statue of “First Down” Archabbot Bonifice Wimmer in front of Saint Vincent Basilica and founder of Saint Vincent College, Saint Vincent Seminary, and Saint Vincent Archabbey. Of course, one of my reasons of posting this picture is because I attended Saint Vincent College from 2008-2012 graduating with a B. A. in history. Good times.

While my last post focused on painting, this one pertains to sculpture, another medium of artistic expression. Yet, as seen with the above picture of the late Boniface Wimmer, the founder of my college alma mater, sculpture can be found everywhere and are seen all over the place. For instance, Pittsburgh has a lot of statues of dinosaurs for some reason and not just in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History or the Carnegie Museum of Art. They also have plenty of dinosaurs outside that could be dressed a doctor or businessman. There’s even a T-Rex in the same attire of Mr. Rogers (Yes, he has his own dinosaur there and at Saint Vincent College since Latrobe was his hometown, look it up.) Still, enough with the local sculpture scene but I’m illustrating a point here. Yet, they also come in a variety of shapes and sizes from something you can hold in your hand, to ones larger than buildings which you can get inside of. And they can be cast in bronze, carved from marble, or from plenty of other materials. Yet, in this post I’m not going to talk about the great sculpting masterpieces. Instead, I’m focusing on works that should be recognized for sheer badness that they could be considered funny. So without further adieu, here are some of the tacky sculpture worthy of recognition. (I’m also keeping names anonymous here as well so will be the locations. Also, may contain some improper imagery.)

1. Bad Dog

Based on the best selling children’s book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.

Nothing expresses a male dog’s urge disregard for civilization than a giant one peeing on a building.

2. Burnside Fountain or “Turtle Boy Love Statue”

If your kids want to know what bestiality is, this is a good illustration to show them.

Now what kind of sick demented artist could ever come up with this idea? This is kind of depraved or so it seems. And who in their mind could ever think of having this on display? Then again, sure is a good way to attract tourists and earn notoriety.

3. Washington as Zeus

Okay, kids, who wants to see our first US president shirtless and wearing a dress?
Of course, he’s also remembered for his great biceps, said no American historian ever.

Because it’s seems very unsettling to see the Father of his Country sporting a toga and a six pack. For God’s sake even the Lincoln Memorial statue depicts “The Great Emancipator” in his own period appropriate clothes.This is a very famous piece by the way and part of the Classical style at the time, but still.

4. Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boosts Mel Gibson's ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boost Mel Gibson’s ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Sure William Wallace was a great Scottish hero but no one seemed to get around with giving him a statue until after Braveheart. Of course, the reasons are obvious.

5. Ballerina Man

Now that’s incredibly creepy and I’ve seen Black Swan and The Dark Knight.

Part clown, part ballerina, this statue will not only give your kids nightmares but also make it impossible to determine the figure’s gender.

6. El Mesteno

And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?

Giant horse statue- majestic. Giant blue horse statue- weird but all right. Giant blue horse statue with demonic red eyes – terrifying.

7. Boll Weevil Monument

Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.

Nothing makes your town more memorable than having a statue depicting an agricultural pest as a sacred animal.

8. Spomenik

I wonder if this statue has ever been mistakened for Darth Vader’s vacation home.

A kind of monument that could be mistaken for something the Galactic Empire would erect to remind everyone else that they run your planet now.

9. Mr. Rogers

For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this. Maybe I don’t see anything about a giant bronze cast Mr. Rogers putting his tennis shoes on as something I shouldn’t be afraid of.

Somehow this statue of Mr. Rogers doesn’t really do justice to his good neighbor reputation. I mean a bronze cast of him tends to make him better suited for a Tim Burton movie than the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

10. Blue Longhorn Bull

His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.

Complete with extra long horns and a steady diet of shrooms. Did I mention the horns and hooves were silver?

11. Fighting Stallion Monument

Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?

Is it just me, or do those two horses don’t seem to be fighting for some reason? Reminds me more of a horse version of Brokeback Mountain to me.

12. Man Hanging Out

I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.

Now really, why would anyone think of creating a hanging man statue and then suspending him over the street? I wonder how many tourists are told by police, “Don’t worry, he’s not committing suicide. He’s always been like that since he was cast in bronze.”

13. Melting Cow

Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn’t able to get back on its feet. Also, what’s with the giant popsicle stick sticking out the cow’s ass?

Now this has to be influenced by a hallucinogenic drug induced surrealist dream. Or do cows actually melt when they hit the ground?

14. Cocozao

It's one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It's another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit from the clouds? Yeah, that's probably it.

It’s one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It’s another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit on the city from the clouds? Yeah, that’s probably it or the designer was a twelve-year-old boy who thought it was a dandy way to attract tourists with a shit fountain.

Believe it or not, it’s said to represent the Araucaria Pine. Looks like a giant turd on a stick. Did I mention it’s a fountain?

15. Mothman

Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.

Said to by a mythological creature rumored to live in a dynamite factory under a centuries old curse. Still, most people might see it as a robotic man moth version of a Godzilla adversary.

16. Peter the Great

He’s on top of how many ships? Seriously, if anyone should be honored for founding a navy, one will simply do the trick. Several on top of each other is kind of overdoing it by a lot. I wonder if Peter is compensating for something here.

When I’m on a boat isn’t good enough. Still, as iconic as Peter the Great was for a Russian Czar, this statue is just plain ugly as well as an imposing eyesore. Good God, who was crazy enough to design this? Then again, czars were ruthless autocratic monarchs and Peter was a bit nuts.

17. Quetzalcoatl

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic heritage, what does this statue say about Mexico? Sorry if I offended any Mexicans. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit.

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic culture and heritage, what does this statue say about them? Sorry, Hispanics, no offense. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit. Still, the Hispanic community must seem a little insulted by how a statue meant to celebrate their heritage and culture resembles a gigantic dog turd.

Serpent Aztec God of Humanity, large snake, or giant dog turd?

18. Peace Statue

I’m not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.

Because nothing is a better personification of peace than a naked stand-in for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz

Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide. Be sure you don’t get on her bad side since she has a detachable tail under her dress as well as forked venomous tongue.

This woman was famous for being the wife of King George III, mother of George IV and William IV, and gave birth to fifteen kids, as well as grandmother to Queen Victoria. She has plenty of royal descendants all over the European royal families as well as a city in North Carolina named after her. Yet, here she’s depicted as a lizard queen.

20. The Giant Spider

It’s coming to get you. Tell me, you’re not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.

Now how would any agoraphobe would want to go to work having to see this every day? Not very pleasant. Also, who ever thought of erecting a statue of something that is more appropriate for a horror movie?

21. The Struggle Against World Terrorism

Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don’t notice any resemblance. Of course, it’s said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.

Is it just me but does this statue seem to resemble what one 9/11 survivor called “a cross between a scar and a female sex organ?” And this was erected to honor 9/11 victims?

22. Walter Johnson

Seriously, what’s with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he’s related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he’s the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.

Nicknamed “Big Train” and famed for being the greatest pitcher in baseball history, this statue depicts him as a four armed character more suited for a video game or the X-Men.

23. General Nathan Bedford Forrest

Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo’ negro asses. Still, it’s one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who’s tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It’s another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.

Confederate hero on a golden horse and all out nutcase from this statue. Also, doesn’t help that he’s said to have found the KKK and may have ordered a massacre of Union soldiers.

24. Bl. Father Junipero Serra OFM

I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it’s hard to take such a figure seriously if he’s depicted like a giant cartoon character.

Sure this guy may be on the road to sainthood but I can’t help but wonder if he’s the mascot of the San Diego Padres.

25. Tugendbrunnen or “Fountain of the Virtues”

For some reason, someone had the great idea of the fountain spraying the water from the horns of angels and the women’s nipples in high pressure lactation. Guess Renaissance sculptors weren’t as wholesome as you thought they would. Well, at least they weren’t men spraying water from their, well, you know.

Sure this may be a famous fountain designed during the Renaissance but look closer and you see this may be more appropriate adorning the Renaissance equivalent of The Playboy Mansion than any public square. And yet this is a public fountain.

26. Bl. Pope John Paul II

Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don’t know.

Of course, what better way to honor the late Holy Father who helped bring down Communism than this bronze statue of him with a head almost like Mussolini and barely anything underneath his long flowing cloak? This is what the Vatican calls “a permanent and sacrilegious mud stain” on the late pope’s memory. Sacrilegious or not, it sure is an ugly example of minimalistic modern art.

27. Martin Luther King Jr.

This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It’s creepy.

Sure Martin Luther King Jr. was a great civil rights leader who helped end racial segregation in the South. Yet, I’m not sure if an appropriate way to honor him would be putting his bust on a large silver ball.

28. Vigelands Parken Man Kicking Babies

Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.

Sure this may be some legendary figure in Norway, but what reason would anyone want to see a statue of a naked man hurting babies? This is sick! What do you mean the tykes are evil genii? Still, doesn’t make it right.

29. WWII Memorial Statue

Clearly he’s a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he’s been in a stony mood for ages. He may want some friends like the guys on Mount Rushmore or Stone Mountain.

Or as I’d like to call it “Mean Man of the Mountain.”

30. Mother Motherland

With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling “Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!” Definitely a mother who strikes fear in her own children like the Soviet Union and satellite Cold War nations.

She may be the personification of Mother Russia but she is sure fierce and can kill you like the Russian winter or the KGB.

The Wonderful World of Painting

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 6, 2014

The only masterpiece you will ever see in this blog post.

For centuries works of art like the firing squad painting above have always moved us and influenced our culture each in a piece’s own special way. Unfortunately The artworks I’m showing in this post do none of that but are still noteworthy in its own way for their sheer badness and their tendency to incite shits and giggles. Also, many of them may tend to make my art major sister at VCU wish she was in front of Goya’s firing squad as shown above. Still, just for the record, I’m keeping many of the artists’ names anonymous for good measure because no one wants to be recognized for art so bad it becomes unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a list of all the great artistic blunders. (I will be showing nude pictures in this since this is an art post, just so you know. And fortunately, for my sister, I’m certainly not showing anything by Thomas Kinkade for I know better than to post pictures of his disasterpieces. This is bad art you can enjoy for it’s own sake.)

1. Lucy in the Sky with Flowers

From The Museum of Bad Art: "The motion, the chair, the sway of her breast, the subtle hues of the sky, the expression on her face -- every detail combines to create this transcendent and compelling portrait, every detail cries out 'masterpiece.'"

From a Museum of Bad Art patron: “Dear Sirs,
!Bravissimo! Thank you! “Lucy” is clearly the key work in the collection. As with all great art, extended viewing reveals endless layers of mysteries: What is Norman Mailer’s head doing on an innocent grandma’s body, and are those crows or F-16’s skimming the hills?”
By the way, the late Norman Mailer was a well-known American intellectual and author who most people on the internet don’t know about so his name won’t come to mind.

For some reason this old woman with flowers kind of reminds me of Miss Finster from Recess (for those who were once kids in the 1990s). And it doesn’t help matters that she’s sitting on a chair you can barely see.

2. Mama and Babe

Undead mother and child hungry for your brains. Nice delicious brains!

The only painting that not only shows the touching bond between mother and child but also the irresistible hunger for human flesh during a zombie apocalypse.

3. Reef Garden

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea party of your nightmares.

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea musical extravaganza of your nightmares.

Inspired by someone who watched a Cirque Du Soleil show under the influence of the brown acid.

4. Inspiration

The organist must be on some serious hallucinogenic drugs to see such visions like that. Or perhaps God really works in mysterious ways.

A talented 19th century organist summons the ghost of zombie Jesus Christ and a medieval monk while playing at the Sunday service in the cathedral.

5. Think Again

From MOBA: “This disturbing work “makes an offer you can’t refuse”. The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society’s reflexive use of force, and the artist’s inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal.”
Of course, this could be a pop culture juxtaposition of Thriller meets The Godfather.

Of course, nothing says “masterpiece” than a picture of a lifelike horse’s head being held by Michael Jackson after a sex change.

6. The Contortionist

Of course, anyone with a contortionist fetish has seen more than they wanted to see. Still, this is pretty horrifying if you think about it.

An erotic image of a contortionist and her nightmarish interior skeleton.

7. Gina’s Demons

From MOBA: “Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this blonde, blue-eyed beauty in a see-through blouse. Her world is cracking apart at the edges, but her careful hairdo and makeup show us that she knows it’s important to keep up appearances.”
Also, it seems the demons tend to find Gina’s blond hair rather appetizing.

Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this well-kempt Victoria’s Secret model in her see-through nightie.

8. Chiquita

Behind the tropical fruit spokeswoman with bare breast is a hellscape reminding of impeding doom that will eventually turn her into a fossil.

Nothing like a sight of a woman adorned in fresh fruit than seeing her in the midst of a volcanic eruption.

9. Woman Riding Crustacean

Of course, this woman shouldn’t be surprised about getting crabs afterwards.

Because nothing is any more erotic than a naked woman riding atop a giant lobster.

10. An I for an Eye

There may be some symbolism involved but the crying eyes tree and naked woman trunk doesn’t much make sense to me.

Never seen before an eye tree with a trunk shaped like a naked woman possibly painted by someone on acid.

11. Dissent from the Pedestal

Lady Liberty doesn't seem to care much anymore. Hey, what's with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

Lady Liberty doesn’t seem like herself lately. Hey, what’s with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

From MOBA: “Infuriated and distraught about the state of the world, the iconic Lady of the Harbor has come down from her traditional perch, bemoaning the fact that, despite global warming, her day in the sun seems to have passed.”

12. He Was a Friend of Mine

From MOBA: “The artist is a skilled watercolorist, as is evident by his knowledgeable use of negative space to create the ghostly husky. The sparkle in the eyes of the see-through cat brings a discordant, evil glint to an otherwise soft and peaceful scene. ‘Who else thinks it’s a good idea to eat from my bowl?'”

Evil cat summons the ghostly image of husky to inflict his angry wrath upon humanity.

13. March Madness

Of course, the basketball metaphor might actually make sense. Could it be that March Madness was once an ancient pagan ritual to mark the transition from winter to spring with the vernal equinox?

From the Museum of Bad Art: “In like a lion, out like a lamb, the glorious thrill of victory and the deathlike agony of defeat are portrayed in this homage to the annual spring classic.”

14. Juggling Dog in Hula Skirt

This artwork makes no sense. Also, the dog is standing upright as if in an anthropomorphic setting. He could also be Rowlf’s hippie brother who ran off with the circus.

Because someone on acid had the artistic pointlessness to depict a bone juggling dog in a hula skirt.

15. Lobster Lady

Seriously, who’d want to keep lobsters as pets? And shouldn’t they be in the pot instead of crawling on the table?

Because nothing shows the love and togetherness like a young girl and her pet lobster.

16. Nude with the Eyes

House Speaker John Boehner, have I got a perfect woman for you.

Woman who spent too much time in a tanning salon or the spawn of one of those porn star and Oompa Loompa pairings?

17. You’ve Got to Be Kidding

Her thirst for blood is as red as her dress.

Sure she may have a cross around her neck, but her eyes say she’s out for blood.

18. Ghoulfriend

Can someone be a friend to this lonely ghoul? So he may be all bones underneath but he only goes haunting desperate for companionship.

Though he may scare the bejesus out of people, he’s really looking for a friend.

19. Sad Girl with Poodle

Never underestimate this creepy sad girl’s wrath. And what’s with the poodle?

An Oompa Loompa girl after hearing about her dad getting involved in a horrible accident at Wonka’s factory.

20. Tika, Kitty in Paradise

Of course, this may be a Persian delusion of grandeur for a Fancy Feast Gourmet Cat Food ad.

Behold, the giant Persian, all bow down to him.

21. A Tree Grows in Boston

Still, I don’t understand why this guy had a yellow head and a purple hand? Yet, he seems fixated on that tree for some reason.

Creepy androgynous person sees tree out the window with eyes matching the sky depicting absence of soul and personality.

22. Vanishing Woman

And yet another reason why nuclear power is bad. Of course, this woman got killed in that awful radiation blast that her ghost glows in the dark.

And yet another reason why nuclear power isn’t bad. Also, try to touch her and you risk exposure to radiation poisoning, which you certainly don’t want. Field could’ve also been a nuclear testing site like Los Alamos since they say she appears out west like Nevada, Arizona, or New Mexico.

Legend tells of a glowing vanishing woman who appears at night in the farm fields. It’s said she glows like that because the field was once the sight of an explosion of a nuclear power facility.

23. Play Boy Bunnies

Most horrifying Playboy Bunnies I have ever seen. They are said to have been former Playboy Playmates who became part of some mad scientist’s experiment.

More like the Ferocious Porno Bunnies from Hell if you ask me.

24. The Undefeated

Give em’ one for the Lord! Seriously, why put Jesus in a boxing ring? Still, I can understand why Islam forbids pictures of Muhammad. And there are plenty of tacky Jesus pictures I’m sure.

Nothing defines Jesus as the Prince of Peace than depicting him in an arena associated with hand to hand combat.

25. Blue Pesto

It’s said this monster’s existence is the stuff of legend wherever it’s from be it some Slavic or Muslim country or someone’s hallucinogenic drug induced imagination?

Don’t look now but it seems that this entire city was built over a blue sea monster.

26. Diaper Babies Gone Wild!

Sure they may seem like two little harmless tykes frolicking in the meadow, until you take a closer look that is. Pictures of children don’t really seem to turn out right.

Sure they may be little but they are little shit machines of doom.

27. Two Trees in Love

Of course, they could both be just settling for one another since they live in such close proximity and that there’s no one else.

Seriously, how does that work out in nature?

28. Spewing Rubik’s Cubes

Now how can this guy manage to put a Rubik’s cube into a bunch of little pieces in order to spit them all out?

From MOBA: “This image of the classic 1980s toys emanating from a jester gargoyle’s mouth can only be described as puzzling.”

29. Safe at Home

Sure he may have won the game today, but there’s a good chance he may take a permanent leave of absence after being eaten and all.

As the old town favorite scores a home run, he and the catcher are devoured by some mysterious headless monster.

30. On Vacation in Italy

Seriously, what’s with the dead houseplants in front of a beach view sunset? It’s kind of depressing.

Should more or less be called, “Forgot to Tell the Neighbors to Water My Houseplants While I’m Gone.”

For More:

The Museum of Bad Art (MOBA): http://www.museumofbadart.org/

Seattle’s Bad Art Museum of Art: http://officialbadartmuseumofart.com/

Bad Art Museum of Ohio: http://badartmuseumofohio.blogspot.com/

Museum of Particularly BAD Art: http://www.mopba.org/

Bert Christensen’s Weird, Strange, & Just Plain Bad Art: http://bertc.com/weird/index.htm

How to Survive a Film Noir

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 5, 2014

Around the 1940s and 1950s came a genre in which the lighting is low, the crime and violence are rife, and everyone is trying to use you or kill you. Oh, and the atmosphere is very pessimistic and everyone basically smokes or drinks and lives in the city. In short, you have film noir in which is part crime drama as well as thriller and emphasizes the cynical attitudes and motivations. Sometimes you even have a horror element since many villains tend to do really horrific things, but they’re mostly gangsters for hire. Still, you got plenty of dead bodies and shooting since, well, this is a pretty dark film genre and let’s just say, you’re going to need some guidance if you want to get out alive. And this is the place where I’m going to lay it you straight.

1. Keep it in your pants. (I can never stress this enough since a lot of trouble can be avoided this way. Then again, it also depends who you sleep with. Still, keeping it in your pants will not only save yourself but also the lives of those around you.)

2. If you’re a smart gentleman, stay away from gorgeous dames even if they’re your clients. (I don’t care how horny you are, if she’s out of your league, stay the hell away from her. Highly attractive women are nothing but trouble, especially if she’s married. There’s a reason why we call those dames, femme fatales.)

3. If you’re a woman, dress as plain or frumpy as possible. The more unattractive you look the better. (Film noir is one of the few genres where being an unattractive woman is actually an asset. Sure you may not get a lot of guys ogling at you but at least you’ll live for the most part. Unattractive men, not so much.)

4. Be in a happy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse, a healthy relationship with your family, stable finances, a squeaky clean record, and with no connections to law enforcement or an organized crime syndicate. (Many problems in film noir usually stem from bad relationships with spouses and family, money problems, criminal past, or connections to law enforcement or organized crime.)

5. Have a healthy relationship with your romantic partner based on reciprocated love as well as mutual trust and fidelity. (A relationship based on mutual lust {which most romantic relationships are in film noir}, is one-sided, unhealthy, or has at least one unfaithful partner, you’re chances of surviving are slim. Unhealthy relationships in film noir usually end very, very badly. And in unhappy film noir marriages, divorce is not really an option.)

6. Don’t shoot anyone unless you really have to like if someone is pointing a gun at you. (Committing first-degree murder will result in lower survival odds or the clink. Self-defense may not have much better odds.)

7. Occupations to avoid: private investigator, policeman, boxer, nightclub entertainer, gangster, bar tender, waiter, nightclub owner, drifter, con artist, insurance agent, writer, journalist, musician, gambler, pawnbroker, restauranteur, socialite, heiress, and trophy wife.

8. Remember, don’t put a lot of trust in other people, especially strangers. Rather don’t trust anybody until their true character alignment is known. (For even those you trust can easily stab you in the back both figuratively and literally.)

9. If you’re a man, stay away from seemingly wholesome mysterious women who may need your help. (They have something to hide and aren’t really so wholesome once you get to know them. And they’re certainly not helpless either.)

10. Avoid nightclubs, warehouses, bars, gambling dens, and juke joints. (They may be run by an organized crime syndicate and are dens of nothing but trouble. That or the bad guys just hang out there, but you still might want to avoid them.)

11. Don’t be a henchman. (It’s film noir’s equivalent to a redshirt since they may have to take it from both sides. Not only do they have to worry about being killed by the good guy but the bad guy may have them take the fall or for other purposes.)

12. If you’re falsely accused of a crime, get away as far as you can and don’t expect justice to prevail. (Because sometimes it doesn’t and you may end up getting killed eventually.)

13. Don’t plan to kill anyone. (Because if you follow through with it, your days will be numbered. And let’s just say, you may be subject to the death penalty. Still, one way or another, it will catch up with you.)

14. If you have any information critical to the plot, tell the anti-hero or at least someone with a good character alignment. (Because you may simply be killed if you tell anyone else who may kill for it, even the cops. I mean you can’t trust anyone in film noir.)

15. Don’t do any job for a large sum of money. (You won’t have any opportunity to spend it.)

16. If someone tells you to get out of town, just do it and don’t look back. (I don’t care what’s on your conscience or if you’re emotionally invested in something, just get the hell out of there because something bad will happen.)

17. It helps if you’re not only the protagonist but also the voice-over narrator. (Well, assuming that these sequences aren’t flashbacks.)

18. Always travel with a buddy and only during the day. (Because you’re more likely to get shot during nighttime and alone.)

19. Remember, you may be born with a clean slate but if you do anything bad to anyone or break the law, it will catch up to you. (And sometimes you may be killed over it or arrested. In film noir, the good guys will get you for breaking the law and hurting one of their own, while the bad guys will get you for just about any excuse.)

20. Don’t get involved in con games, heists, or organized crime. (It won’t end well.)

21. If you’re a guy, don’t get involved in schemes involving a beautiful unhappily married woman wanting to kill her husband in hopes of attaining some degree of material gain. (Because even if you succeed, you and the woman will eventually end up dead by the end.)

22. If you’re a male private investigator, if an attractive woman asks you for help or protection, turn her down. (People may die if you accept.)

23. Expect betrayal. (Especially if you’re low on the totem pole and don’t have a lot of lines.)

24. If you’re a drifter, if you’re just passing through some place, just pass through. (If you stay awhile, something bad will happen.)

25. Remember that the good guys aren’t really that good but the bad guys may be especially evil.

More Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 4, 2014

1. The Goodbye Girl: Forced Cohabitation Leads to Love

2. The Ox-Bow Incident: Vigilantism Is Not Heroism

3. Minority Report: Pre-Crime Is Not 100% Effective

4. Close Encounters with the Third Kind: UFO Enthusiasts Make Bad Husbands

5. Greenfingers: Gardening for Convicts

6. The Last of the Mohicans: Daniel Day-Lewis’ Nice Hair

7. All Quiet on the Western Front: Everybody Dies

8. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang: How I Stole $15 and Fucked Up My Life

9. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: Bette Davis Makes a Terrible Caregiver, Serving Rat and Canary to Disabled People, Extreme Sister Rivalry

10. My Fair Lady: Closeted Metrosexuals the Musical, Girls as Dolls the Musical

11. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Abduction Leads to Shotgun Weddings the Musical

12. A Big Hand for the Little Lady: Never Underestimate Women in Poker

13. Pocahontas: Disney Flunks American History

14. An American in Paris: Despite Its Perks, Highly Disappointing Musical

15. Lars and the Real Girl: Guys and Dolls the Non-Musical Literal Version

16. How to Steal a Million: How to Steal a Worthless Fake to Bail Out Your Dad

17. Leave Her to Heaven: Possessive Girlfriends Ruin Your Life

18. Judgement at Nuremberg: Love of Nation Does Not Justify the Means, Patriotism is No Excuse for Genocide

19. Hannah and Her Sisters: Woody Allen’s Hilarious Death Scare

20. In a Lonely Place: Humphrey Bogart Really Needs Anger Management, Anger Issues Can Create Serious Problems

21. The Barefoot Contessa: Impotence Leads to Crimes of Passion, Forced Sexless Marriage Kills

22. Joan of Arc: The Director’s Cut Is Much Better, Warrior Women Get Screwed

23. The Lost Weekend: Ray Milland Really Needs to Quit Drinking, Drinking and Writing Don’t Mix, Seriously, You Need Help, Man

24. The Birds: Swarming Attack Birds Don’t Shit, Seriously, Where’s All the Bird Poop?, Everything Must Be Covered in Bird Shit by the End

25. Titanic: Happy Old Woman Who’s Fondest Memory Is Having a Fleeting Romance with a Guy She Fucked in a Back of a Car on a Boat that Sunk

26. Tender Mercies: 1980s Crazy Heart, Sort of

27. The Days of Wine and Roses: Alcoholism Ruins Everything, Drinking Is Not Cool

28. Jurassic Park: Mostly Cretaceous Park, A Theme Park of Cloned Dinosaurs Is a Very Bad Idea

29. Pan’s Labyrinth: CGI Mythological Monsters Can’t Be More Scarier than Evil Fascist Captain, My Evil Stepfather Is a Bloodthirsty Fascist

30. The Night of the Hunter: Beware of Preachers with Tattoos

31. Cape Fear (1960’s): Scorsese Ruined This in the 1990s, Robert Mitchum Is Creepy

32. Ted: Filthy Children’s Toy and Manchild

33. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Is this a Nightmare Sequence or a Drug Trip?

34. Raising Arizona: Sympathetic Baby Snatchers

35. Groundhog Day: Bill Murray Lives for a Day Over and Over Again

36. Some Like It Hot: Jack Lemmon Has Major Gender Identity Issues

37. In Bruges: Gangsters Stick to Their Fucking Principles, Colin Farrell and Four People from Harry Potter

38. Hercules: Disney Fails Greek Mythology

39. Birth of a Nation: White Power the Silent Version, KKK Recruitment Propaganda, Rated W for White Supremacy, 3 Hours of Racism

40. Sunset Boulevard: Hollywood Screws People Up Big Time

41. Duel in the Sun: Not Your Conventional Gregory Peck Movie, Gregory Peck Is a Very Bad Man in This, 1940s Western Fanservice

42. Magic Mike: Maybe Male Strip Shows Aren’t that Entertaining, Nice Chest Scenes, Depressing Plot

43. The Master: Three Actors Waste Talent on Disappointing Script

44. The Hands of Orlac: Stranglers Shouldn’t Be Hand Donors

45. Apocalypto: Mel Gibson Fails Pre-Columbian Civilizations

46. Freaks: Freak Show Performers Are People, Too

47. The Brothers Bloom: Con Men Sure Have Issues, Crazy Rich Girls Make Everything Better Eventually

48. Spellbound: Don’t Talk to Strangers Especially Crazy and Potentially Dangerous Ones Unless They’re Hot

49. The Gods Must Be Crazy: Glass Bottles Create Tribal Disharmony, Glass Bottles Must Be Disposed Accordingly

50. Death at a Funeral: Don’t Take Vicodin Before a Funeral, Especially from a Drug Dealer, Murphy’s Law Funeral Style, Controlled Substances Make Funerals Interesting

How to Survive a Western

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 31, 2014

Ah, westerns, a classic American movie genre set at a time and place when everyone had to do everything themselves, especially when it came to fighting Indians or regular law enforcement. A time of cowboys and Indians, outlaws and gunfighters, and a time when people from far and wide moved away from the east to start a life of their own and grow up with the country. Of course, knowing that most of these are set between 1865-1920 so you won’t have access to the convenient 21st century technology. Still, surviving in a western isn’t easy and if you find yourself in one, here are some steps you should follow. (Of course, don’t count on working out all the time.)

1. Be black or Asian. (Because as far as race goes, these two have among the lowest death rates since most westerns don’t have either of them. Sure being black or Asian in a western may mean being susceptible to demeaning stereotypes or terrible jobs for pittance but at least it’s better not having people who want to kill you. And even so, chances are good you’ll survive anyway regardless of role except maybe villain.)

2. Listen to the hero no matter how much of jerk he is because he is always right. (Sure John Wayne may be bully and a complete asshole but if you don’t listen to him, well, there’s going to be trouble. Of course, unless you’re Maureen O’Hara you might want to avoid sleeping with him).

3. Don’t mess with the hero. (The hero’s motives may not be pure but if you do anything to him or try to hinder his goal, well, you’re going to get it.)

4. Avoid saloons and banks. (Sedentary indoor gun shootings happen at these places 90% of the time. Also, brothels, bars, hotels, and dance halls count as saloons since they also serve booze.)

5. Don’t be in anything by Sam Peckinpah. (I can’t help you there given his movies make Quentin Tarantino films look like something from Disney. Come to think of it, you might have better odds in The Hunger Games than in a Sam Peckinpah western.)

6. Stay indoors when the guns go off. (Or else, you’ll end up shot as an innocent bystander.)

7. Horseback riding and sharpshooting are valuable skills. (Being skilled in at least one will help you tremendously.)

8. Remember that most weapons fire rounds beyond their capacity without reloading. (Westerns are notorious for having six shooters that fire more than six at a time before reloading.)

9. Don’t board trains carrying gold or weapons in the baggage car. (It will be targeted for a train robbery which will involve shooting and dead bodies.)

10. Don’t travel by stagecoach. (Trust me, it will be Indians, bandits, or both.)

11. If you’re challenged to fight against a guy who’s known for his fast reflexes or excellent aiming skills, get the hell out of town as soon as you can. (Sure you might be called a coward but at least you’ll survive.)

12. Don’t challenge people to duels. (Just don’t. The challenger usually gets shot and killed in these. If he survives, then welcome to hell.)

13. If you’re white, stay out of the Indian settlements. (I don’t care if you’re in the US Army and it’s your job to get them to surrender peacefully {which won’t happen}, if the nearby Indians aren’t bothering you, either establish friendly relations or leave them alone. Otherwise, you’ll end up like Boromir.)

14. If you’re an Indian, stay out of white settlements and be prepared to face evacuation or the white man at all times. (Seriously it really sucks being an Indian in westerns, doesn’t it? Even if you do these things, there may be no hope for you but the reservation, which may be fate worse than death.)

15. Whenever you enter a town, make sure that there are no Wanted posters with your picture on them. (If there is, get the hell out before anyone sees you. You will either face armed confrontations, be chased by a posse, be arrested by the sheriff, deal with a bounty hunter, or possibly lynched.)

16. Remember your guns and horses are your prized possessions and traveling companions. (Take good care of them and they’ll take good care of you.)

17. If you get hurt, remember that a veterinarian is just is good as any doctor around. (And if you need medical care, you’ll need the nearest doctor you can get if there’s any around. Besides, most doctors in westerns usually treat both people and livestock anyways regardless of their specialty.)

18. Remember fire safety is really important. (Especially, since this is a time when most people don’t have access to electric lighting and that most structures are built out of wood.)

19. When the town needs a new sheriff, don’t volunteer or talk about your exploits. (You don’t want to be sheriff in that town, because the last guy probably got killed and crime is pretty bad.)

20. Don’t go in front of charging large animals. (You will get trampled.)

21. Forget codes of honor and perhaps try to do your best to survive. (I mean you don’t have to face the bad guy if it’s going to get you killed. An early grave is far worse than being called a coward.)

22. Gathering a large posse is a great defense against a band of violent criminals on the loose. (And in westerns, you most criminals are violent or at least armed robbers at best.)

23. Best leave fighting invading Indians to the army cavalry instead of doing it yourself. (Except if it’s Custer at Little Big Horn, Fort Apache, or in some unavoidable situations.)

24. Always show respect and courtesy toward the Indians. (They may be your enemy but will be less likely to kill you if you treat them politely and you’re not in a large group. Only applies when you actually have to go to the Indian camp or want to trade.)

25. Friendly Indian sidekicks are very reliable outside civilization. (When it comes to surviving the wilderness, there’s no one better. Outlaws, mountain men, and trappers are very good as well since they know how to handle a gun.)

26. On the trail, circling your wagon is a great defense against Indian attacks. (They always do this in western movies set on the trail. However, in real life, Indian attacks on wagon trains hardly ever happened {since the Indians knew raiding them would be a very stupid thing}. Also, the circling wagons was more for keeping cattle in and took hours.)

27. If you’re in a bank being robbed, do whatever the bank robber says. (Because it will get ugly if you don’t.)

28. If you’re a guy, never underestimate women in the frontier. (Sure there’s a lot of sexism at the time but many women in westerns do know how to load and shoot a gun, have helped built their own houses, and has seen her share of adversity, especially if she’s much older. And if you have the wrath of Mattie Ross, then God help you.)

29. On the cattle drive, watch out for stampedes, rustlers, snakes, storms, flash floods, droughts, etc. (On second thought, maybe working on a cattle train is not a good idea.)

30. Basic knowledge of first aid will help tremendously. (Especially since there will be no medical establishment within miles.)

31. If your town is besieged by violent criminals, don’t be afraid of enlisting outside help even if it’s just a drifter with a mysterious past. (Of course, he will be played by John Wayne or Clint Eastwood anyway, so you’ll be fine.)

32. Just because the hero can survive after going through a hail of bullets doesn’t mean you should. (Somehow western heroes tend to be somewhat immune to bullets at least until the very end than most of the other characters.)

33. If you’re a famous western hero, make sure the movie doesn’t depict anything related to the Alamo or anything related to your demise. (If you’re David Crockett or Jim Bowie and the movie’s title is The Alamo, you won’t last.)

34. Remember anything can be edible if you’re desperate enough. (Even if it’s dead human flesh or grasshoppers.)

McDonald’s Employee Sold Heroin in Happy Meals

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 30, 2014

Can’t believe this and in my area out of all places. Kind of reminds me of something the Barksdales would do.

Why I Hate the History Channel

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 28, 2014

I love history, so much such I decided to study it as a college major. There is so much to know about the past and understand ourselves like it was one big never ending story of mankind with all the intrigue included. I know that there’s a lot of violence, death, sex, and other unpleasant things (history isn’t a G-rated subject, you know) but I don’t mind reading about it or watching history documentaries. Actually, that’s how I find out most of history anyways apart from watching PBS, or studying it in college. However, I’m not a big fan of the History Channel and don’t like the content shown on there. In fact, I think it’s utter sensationalistic garbage in which the content has nothing to do with history, or is in any has any educational or cultural value whatsoever. Of course, I didn’t have cable as a kid, so I missed out on how the History Channel used to be back in the day when they showed actual historical documentaries with relevant information but at least there was PBS which still stays true to its original purpose. The History Channel, not so much since it has now become a network devoted to reality shows, pseudoscience, conspiracy theories, doomsday scenarios, and other things that have absolutely nothing to do with history. Of course, they went into a phase when that channel mostly showed stuff pertaining to WWII and Nazis but at least that was real history. Yet, whatever integrity this network used to have at an earlier time has now disintegrated into programming meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator and commercialism.

At an earlier time many would say that educational networks like the History Channel would replace PBS, a premise which has now become completely untrue. In fact, the decline of commercial educational television is all the more reason why PBS should continue receiving more government funding. Most of PBS’s content has remained unchanged since the 1970s and managed to retain it’s respected reputation as an outlet of quality programming regardless of their ratings. Sure it may air their crap during month long pledge breaks (at least my local affiliate does), but it’s not the end of the world. By contrast, the History Channel’s programming has changed drastically since its 1995 founding, from a network featuring documentaries to one producing almost anything to get ratings. Of course, straying from their formula has gotten big ratings (making me wonder what’s going on with America), but has lost it’s original soul and rarely airs something pertaining to history. And being a commercial for-profit network may be one of its reasons. Seeing how other commercial educational networks have declined considerably it’s no mystery why since media execs will likely sacrifice their content and identity for big ratings and big profits. Apparently educational programming doesn’t seem to attract big ratings so the commercial educational networks turn to reality shows and speculative stuff. Also, they’re cheaper to produce and don’t take much research. But just because the History Channel may get better ratings doesn’t mean the quality is good since they’ve already sacrificed that.

Then there’s the notion on that The History Channel has changed it’s name to History even though it seems to be really stretching the definition. Back in the day, history used to mean the study of human events in the past since the invention of writing. Now thanks to The History Channel, it can have as mean almost anything you want it to be. Yeah, right. Still, here is a rough outline what content consists of history and which doesn’t:

History: wars, battles, ancient and medieval civilizations, documentary testimony and evidence, genuine artifacts and excavations, interpretations and analysis based on fact, and anything pertaining to the study of the past.

Not History: conspiracy theories, aliens, ghosts, anything set in the present, antiques selling, apocalyptic scenarios, doomsday prophecies, mythology, monsters, speculation on religion, pseudoscience, pseudohistory, and reality shows.

Guess which is on The History Channel? Whatever is on the “Not History” group.

Look, when it comes to ancient ruins, I’m sure even the best archaeologists have their own theories on their construction but saying that they were built by aliens goes beyond ridiculous. Not to mention, it’s kind of insulting to the indigenous cultures of Africa, Asia, and the Americas who actually built such artifacts as if they weren’t intelligent or sophisticated enough to do so which we can’t fully understand in the all-knowing Western world. Well, maybe those cultures weren’t as uncivilized as people here make them out to be or that we don’t understand everything. Not to mention, we know most of the indigenous people built many of those structures themselves. And seriously, all the stuff about prophecies and apocalyptic scenarios may be appropriate on the Syfy Channel or The Twilight Zone but not on something with a name like History. Then you have stuff about conspiracy theories, which is all seen as speculative and subjective as well as probably not true. Besides, a lot of history’s mysteries don’t usually involve an elaborate conspiracy theory. As for reality shows, well, just don’t get me started. Sure you may have had ice truckers, pawn stores, and ax men in the past, but their shows examine their lives in the present yet unfortunately probably consists of the closest thing to educational programming on there besides Modern Marvels. At least The History Channel doesn’t have to make some stuff up from those shows but I’d usually refer reality shows as the bottom of the barrel in quality programming.

Yet, as with stuff they do show in the documentary style, much of it is filled with outright bullshit presented in an educational format. Look, I don’t mind the network talking about ancient religion or mythology since a significant portion of it can have some basis in fact and has cultural relevance. But saying something along the lines that “The Mayans were right,” is just beyond ludicrous. All the rest of the pseudoscience and pseudohistorical documentaries may be appropriate if we lived in the Dan Brown or L. Ron Hubbard universe but we don’t. But no matter how hair-brained the claim is, it’s still presented as historic truth while established fact is treated as up for speculation. It’s no wonder why people in history professions absolutely hate this channel. Apparently, when it comes to documentaries, The History Channel doesn’t seem to have people to check for facts or inaccuracies. Oh, wait, they already fired them years ago since they kept challenging “their version” of history which “if you don’t know, say it was aliens or some large conspiracy, they won’t know the difference.” As someone who has studied and read quite a bit about history, I do know the difference between accepted evidence and bullshit but there are plenty who don’t. And if people start associating history with conspiracy theories and pseudohistory, then we have a problem, big time. Yet, if The History Channel wants to call itself an “educational” network, then they should stop showing programs that either mislead or have dubious educational value. But of course, they won’t since many consider actual history “boring” and their shows get big ratings.

For now, a more appropriate name for The History Channel would be “The Bullshit Channel” or “The Hysterical Channel” because over there, the truth is history.

And if I want to see actual history documentaries, I’ll watch PBS.

Superbowl Party Tips

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 25, 2014

It’s becoming that time of year again when people all over the US are tuned into the biggest sports extravaganza of the year on Sunday night in February. This year it’s the Denver Broncos vs. the Seattle Seahawks playing in New Jersey. Of course, some of you big football fans actually will be watching the game in the stands but this will be a very small minority since Superbowl tickets are expensive and people like my dad would rather not spend all that money to watch something in the cold (especially if it’s not the Pittsburgh Steelers playing) while he could watch the game in the comfort in his home at the cost of practically nothing. Also, there are commercial breaks where my dad can get his snacks, beer, wood on the fire, and even use the bathroom. Still, most people in the country will be watching from home and some may use this occasion to host a Super Bowl party, which is why I’m writing this post today. So without further adieu, here is a list of do’s and don’ts for the game day party planners.

Do: Plan it around someone’s birthday party, especially if it’s your son is turning eight the same week and your team is playing. As long as you sing happy birthday and give your kid presents he or she probably won’t mind the slightest. Also, saves time and money if you just combine the two especially if they’re both family traditions. In fact, my fifteenth and sixteenth birthday parties were both planned around Steeler playoff games which very memorable and I don’t even like sports.

Don’t: Play a game of touch football during the game, especially if you’re not in your own home. You don’t want to break anything and have to pay for it do you?

Do: Use the bathroom during commercial break. Sure some of them may be funny but if the game’s more important to you, commercial breaks are better than nothing, unless there’s a line at the venue.

Don’t: Stage a drinking game during the whole thing, even if there are no kids around. For one, it’s not fair to the designated driver and the roads aren’t in the best shape this time of year. Second, this activity may lead to excessive irresponsible drinking behavior as well as make a mess for your host to clean up later. And he or she may be too wasted to clean it all up anyway which may leave your designated driver with the job.

Do: Use this occasion to show off your artistic or cooking skills. If you have some creative cooking idea for your Super Bowl party, use it even if it’s for a football field display for a snack platter. Like this:

Don’t: Get into physical fights with each other since it will make a mess and cause injury to other guests, especially in front of the kids or relatives.

Do: Be inclusive and accommodating. After all your Super Bowl party should include family, friends, neighbors, or others like employees, for instance. After all, a lot of people treat Super Bowl Sunday as a holiday and it’s no wonder.

Don’t: Have your party outdoors if you live anywhere with colder temperatures. It’s winter so it’s not a good time to stage an outdoor party. Besides, your food will freeze and everyone will be in their winter garb. No one will have any fun there.

Do: Socialize since parties are social events anyway. You don’t even have to talk about the game or sports in general. You can even complain about the commercials or the half-time show.

Don’t: Throw your trash everywhere. Garbage disposal exists for a reason. Besides, you don’t want your host cleaning up after you.

Do: Use good manners and treat everyone graciously, even if they’re rooting for the other team to win. There’s no excuse to be rude or unfriendly.

Don’t: Drink irresponsibly, especially if you’re driving. If you have any beer, drink it when you’re actually thirsty and set limits. You don’t want to get pulled over on the way home or have your host clean up after you.

Do: Leave healthy food options for your guests since not all football snack food is actually good for you. Besides, you’ll never know if you meet a health nut or a vegetarian. For instance, you can go with this:

Don’t: Offer just only healthy food options. Other people enjoy conventional football game fare, too, even if they do have poor health habits and diets. You might want to go with a mixed selection like this:

Do: Wear your favorite team jersey if you’re team is playing to show some support. Other team merchandise wear and face painting is fine.

Don’t: Turn guests away just because they don’t support your team or don’t care for football at all. Treat this day as a holiday, remember? Be inclusive.

Do: Devise some indoor Super Bowl party games, especially if there are kids around who may be bored out of their minds during commercial break. They have plenty of these on the internet you can print out. Or you can devise one all on your own. Just practice safety. Bingo is a good choice:

Don’t: Use the game as an opportunity to bet or gamble, especially if your friend is in Gambler’s Anonymous or doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.

Do: Enjoy yourself and have fun even if you don’t understand football, think the commercials are lame, or the half-time show sucks. If it’s a time to spend with your loved ones, that should be enough, even if you’d much rather watch TCM or Downton Abbey instead (which is what I’d rather do).

Don’t: Use your success on your Super Bowl party to plan a Pro-Bowl party. No one really cares about the Pro-Bowl game anyway.

Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 25, 2014

1. High Noon: Surrounded by Chickenshits

2. Suspicion: Lowering Relationship Standards

3. Transformers: CGI Robo Explosion Porn, Two Hour CGI Masturbation

4. Psycho: Overclipped Shower Scene

5. Pearl Harbor: From the Guys Who Flunked American History

6. Shadow of a Doubt: Something’s Really Wrong with Uncle Charlie

7. 300: CGI Six Packs, Bad History

8. Rashomon: Eyewitnesses Aren’t Always Reliable

9. Bridge Over the River Kwai: Seriously, You Realize You’re Committing Treason, Right?, Obi Wan Kenobi Commits Treason

10. The Grapes of Wrath: Republicans’ Plan for the Middle Class

11. The Black Cat: Has Nothing to Do with the Edgar Allan Poe Story Whatsoever

12. Braveheart: Somewhere a Medieval Historian Is Crying

13. The Deer Hunter: Made By People Who’ve Never Been to Western Pennsylvania

14. Arsenic and Old Lace: Old Ladies Make Loveable Serial Killers

15. The Philadelphia Story: Last Minute Bachelorette Party

16. Gone with the Wind: Four Hour Long Love Story Depicting Negative Black Stereotypes and an Implied Rape Scene But Is Still Better Than Twilight

17. Now, Voyager: Fuck you, Mom, I Do What I Want!

18. A Face in the Crowd: Sheriff Andy Is an Asshole

19. The Quiet Man: Irish Like Spousal Abuse, Dragging Your Wife By Her Hair Solves Everything

20. The Searchers: How Is This Any Good?, Seriously, Critics, You Call This a Masterpiece?

21. Radio Days: Christmas Story for Jews

22. All About Eve: Backstabbing Stage Bitches

23. The Maltese Falcon: Three Deaths Over Rip-Off, Antiques Roadshow Saves Lives

24. Treasure of the Sierra Madre: Greed Makes You Crazy

25. Mildred Pierce: Love Leads to Bad Decision Making

26. Monty Python’s Life of Brian: Seriously Not About Jesus

27. Notorious: Pimping in Espionage

28. Double Indemnity: Keeping It in Your Pants Saves Lives, Love Actuary

29. The Apartment: Horribly Horny Bosses

30. My Favorite Year: Adventures in Celebrity Babysitting

31. West Side Story: Dance Fighting the Musical

32. How Green Was My Valley: Welsh Miners Live Depressing Lives

33. Galaxy Quest: Three Amigos Meets Star Trek, By Trekkies for Trekkies, Trekkie Aliens in Space

34. The Invisible Man: Unintentionally Hilarious Horror Movie, Invisible Naked Guy Runs in Snow

35. Out of the Past: I Like Bad Girls and I Can’t Help It

36. From Here to Eternity: Mermaid Man Beats Old Blue Eyes to Death

37. Rear Window: Peeping Tom Neighborhood Watch Squad

38. Vertigo: Jimmy Stewart Really Needs a Therapist

39. Becket: Brokeback Mountain Middle Ages Edition

40. A Matter of Life and Death: The Perks of Having a Girlfriend

41. The Man with the Golden Arm: Cheating on Your Wife Is Bad Unless Your Girlfriend Helps You Overcome Your Heroin Addiction by Locking You While You Experience Withdrawal Symptoms

42. The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex: More Accurate than the Cate Blanchett Movies

43. 12 O’Clock High: Not a Stoner Movie

44. The Lion in Winter: King Henry II’s Family Christmas

45. The Paleface: Bob Hope is Actually Funny

46. Son of Pale Face: Horses Make Strange Bedfellows

47. The Great Dictator: Thinly Veiled Satire on Nazi Germany

48. I Was a Male War Bride: Feminism for Men WWII Edition

49. The Bling Ring: Hermione Robs Legolas

50. The Princess Bride: Manly Movie, Girly Title

Norse Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 22, 2014

While Greek mythology has remained one of the more influential canons with exception to those in The Bible, the Norse and Germanic tribes aren’t far behind. In fact, without their stories we wouldn’t have Wagner’s operas or Tolkein’s Middle Earth as well as a certain Marvel comics superhero. Yet, like the Greeks, their myths aren’t very consistent but many of them were written down after the turn to Christianity so there’s no set canon and beliefs differ from place to place. Still, unlike their Greek counterparts, the Norse gods are fallible and can be killed and are much more held accountable for their actions. But they still have their moments. Yet, sometimes you can’t really tell them apart from the giants, especially in the Marvel universe. I’m only going to list the most important gods here so without further adieu, here is the list of Norse gods you need to know if you’re stuck in Asgard or Yggdrasil. (I’ll only give you as much important information as I can.)

1. Odin

Allfather of the Norse gods who must do everything he can to avoid the inevitable Ragnarok apocalypse which will claim most of the pantheon. When it comes to Ragnarok to him, the ends justify the means no matter how morally ambiguous his actions are. Can also be a philandering jerk, too.

Domain: All-Father and King of Asgard as well as associated with wisdom, war (emphasis on strategy), the hunt, poetry, magic, frenzy, and death. Patron god of the Viking beserkers.Gathered the souls of beautiful women for the Valkyries and the souls of warriors for Valhalla (Norse Heaven). Popular among royalty and beserkers.

Pro: He is seen as a noble god and warrior whose aim is to prevent and delay Ragnarok (Norse apocalypse) as well as keep all the other gods in line. Knows whatever mistake he makes will eventually catch up to him as well as willing to face the consequences for his actions. Can also be the occasional trickster but likes people and generally helps them, well, anyone who’s nice to him anyway. Considers killing and harming women monstrous.

Con: He could be a philanderer and major league jerk at times (though not nearly as much as Zeus). He subsists on mead and wine (though doesn’t seem to suffer from the negative effects). Believes that any of his ruthless actions necessary at preventing Ragnarok are justified no matter how cruel and does plenty of terrible things to Loki. His devoted and competent followers tend to be killed in messy ways to join him at Valhalla for the upcoming Ragnarok, which is a battle he’s destined to lose and can do nothing to change that. Also, not very trustworthy.

2. Frigg

Queen of Asgard, regal and majestic yet considerably more benevolent than her husband Odin. Can’t be fooled since she knows if you’re lying. And she knows how to get her own way. Can see into the future but can do nothing to change it.

Domain: Queen of Asgard associated with motherhood, women, and the home.

Pro: She is regal and majestic as well as highly benevolent as well as can’t be easily fooled. She also knows how to get her own way and has much to teach her husband Odin. As far as the Norse pantheon goes, she’s one of the nicer gods as well as an attentive mother mostly.

Con: She can see into the future but can do nothing to change it. Also, doesn’t play a big role in Norse myths.

3. Baldr

Pretty boy god of light who’s resistant to almost everything except mistletoe, which kills him. Best known for his death story though he may come back.

Domain: God of rebirth, light, love, and beauty as well as has a widely recounted death story.

Pro: Is one of the best looking gods and is invulnerable to almost anything. Not to mention, is one of the most pure and righteous of the gods that it’s scary. Doesn’t really do anything morally ambiguous.

Con: In some myths he’s not so nice (especially in the older ones when he has a rivalry with the brother who killed him) and isn’t immune to misteltoe (which could either be the plant or a sword) but doesn’t get it until after being tortured by the other gods. Best remembered for his death story than anything else as well as being the first to die though he may return to Ragnarok. Not to mention, his myths may have a Christian bias to them. His death is said to signal the end of times for the Norse gods.

4. Thor

God of Thunder and Protector of Mankind who was popular among Norse farmers and Thralls (slaves). Carries his iconic hammer Mjolnir. Would fight dangerous women and has a fiery temper. Now has his own Marvel comics franchise and an Avenger.

Domain: God of thunder as well as order and favorite of the average Norse farmer. Also, protector of slaves as well as one of the best known Norse gods. I mean he’s a Marvel superhero and Avenger as well as Friend of Humans and Protector of Midgard (Middle Earth like in the Tolkein works).

Pro: He’s one of the more benevolent gods who’s willing to fight giants as well as demonic threats to mankind. He is widely feared by his enemies as well as surprisingly clever. Also has a badass wife he’s happily married to and his famous hammer. Seen as an honest, hardworking god who represented the common people and slaves.

Con: Well, he’s almost nowhere near the Shakespearean talking blonde you see in the movies or in the Marvel Comics. Can be a complete dick in the older myths though. Has a fiery temper you’d expect from a hot-blooded redhead like him and wouldn’t hesitate to hit a girl if he has to despite what his dad Odin may think. Also, will be fatally poisoned at Ragnarok so he’s not invulnerable.

5. Tyr

God of soldiers and justice who tackled a monster at the expense of his hand. May have been something greater once but doesn’t appear much.

Domain: God of war (emphasis on protection), law, soldiers, and heroic glory. Might’ve been the original head god before Odin became more popular in Scandinavia. Probably more liked in the Germanic tribes.

Pro: He’s a very brave warrior who’s not afraid to lose an arm and a leg over fighting a monster. Is the only god not afraid of a giant wolf in which binding it cost him his hand. Also, gets called upon in courts as a god of justice.

Con: Only appears in three myths and doesn’t have a high degree of specialization since almost every Norse god is a war god. Destined to be killed at Ragnarok. Also, myths about his family relations vary and was not nearly as popular as Thor or Odin.

6. Freyja

Goddess of love and fertility who’s also not very pleasant and commander of the Valkyries. Also really gets around and really has an explosive temper. Cries golden tears.

Domain: Goddess of love, night magic, witches, warrioresses, and fertility yet also connected with bloodthirst and is commander of the Valkyries. Carries the souls of dead warriors in battle to Folkvang and takes the female warriors who go down with her.

Pro: She’s benevolent as well as someone you don’t want to piss off. Also, has an all girl soul army called the Valkyries. Not to mention, she knows magic and can go long ways looking for her husband Oder that she has a different name in every nation she searched for him. Not to mention, she’s part of the Vanir and originally came to Asgard as a hostage so she had to pull a few strings to get where she is. Cries tears of gold.

Con: She’s kind of really gets around (well, she’s a love and fertility goddess) despite being married. Has a really bad temper that can cause Asgard to shake during her tantrums as well as be very unpleasant. Also, most Germanic warriors would rather be with Odin in Valhalla than Folkvang (unless it’s a Viking Heaven for lady warriors even though it’s not that bad but not the same).

7. Freyr

God of fertility, sex, and fair weather who’s more benevolent to his sister. Lord of the Elves who gave his magic weapon for love but his sacrifice comes back to bite him in Ragnarok.

Domain: God of fertility, prosperity, sunshine and fair weather, kingship, and sex. Lord of the elf realm Alfheim

Pro: Generally seen as more benevolent than his sister Freyja and originally came to Asgard as a Vanir hostage but also somehow to get to be head of the Elves. Gives up his magic sword to win a giantess Gerd’s heart.

Con: He’s kind of gets around (since he’s a sex god). Oh, and he kills Gerd’s brother and sends a servant to threaten her family until she marries him. And despite being elf lord, his subjects can be quite unpleasant (but are very much like Tolkein’s). Also, giving up his magic sword costs his life at Ragnarok.

8. Loki

God of mischief is the closest definition. His enigmatic nature and alignment are unknown. Yet, treat him and his kids like crap long enough and he’ll become the instigator of Ragnarok as soon as he gets out of prison. Also, has a diverse sexual appetite if you know what I mean.

Domain: God of mischief and possibly fire. The trickster and technically a god since he’s Odin’s blood brother. Most scholars aren’t really sure about his role and only appears in Scandinavia myths in which nobody is sure how he got there and almost has no common parallel in other Indo-European pantheons. His true nature is unknown, which is appropriate.

Pro: He keeps his word whether for good or for ill and goes on even when the likes of Odin have given up. Is good to his kids (like Odin and Thor are mostly) and sometimes can use his talents for trickery and deceit to benefit the gods though he isn’t praised for it.

Con: Where to begin? Has a tendency to cause a lot of trouble with his deceit and trickery (though usually forced by the other gods to fix) as well as humps anything that moves (whether it be man, woman, or horse). Also, tends to receive a lot of crap from the gods which results in him turning against them as well as his cave imprisonment as well as set the events of Ragnarok in motion when he breaks free (but he won’t survive it). In his antics he could range from trickster to outright troll and he does have his fiery redhead moments. Still, he’s pretty much an enigma and capable of doing anything but is usually unrepentant of his heinous deeds (like putting the blind Hoor to accidentally kill Baldr). As for his kids, some of them are literally monsters who also get a lot of crap from the other gods.

9. Angrbooa

Powerful sorceress, fierce fighter, and mother of monsters.

Domain: Loki’s giantess consort.

Pro: She’s a competent fighter and has super strength. She’s also highly resistant to fire. May have been a very powerful witch who could see into the future.

Con: She may or may not know whether her monstrous kids will help their daddy end the world. Also, may have been consumed in flames or demoted as Loki’s mistress. Either way having kids turning out to be monsters didn’t do much good for her.

10. Hel

Goddess of death and ruler of Hel where she receives souls of those who don’t die on the battlefield. Cold, dour, stoic, and a bit of a necrophile. Not a malicious type but an outcast not well perceived by gods and mortals alike.

Domain: Goddess of death and graves as well as ruler of Hel who welcomes souls who’ve died in old age, disease, or in accidents (a dark and shady place but a peaceful one, well, most of it anyway unless you’re a Norse warrior. Actual Viking Hell is Na-strond which monstrous fortress of torture with poison dripping serpent skeletons, sucking blood, and goat’s urine).

Pro: Usually keeps her word when she gives it but isn’t really a malevolent being per se. Only interferes with other Asgardians’ plans only when it concerned her directly.

Con: She’s stoic, dour, and cold as well as not well liked by both gods and mortals. She was said to use her broom and rake when plague would hit and is kind of a necrophile (though she wouldn’t really bang a corpse).

11. Sigyn

Loki’s loving and devoted wife who tries to keep the poison from his eyes during his captivity and is rarely far behind him. Too bad Loki doesn’t deserve her.

Domain: Loki’s Asgardian wife who assists him during his captivity holding a dish over his face to collect the venom and only leaving his side to empty it.

Pro: She’s devoted to Loki and never leaves his side despite the crap he gives her. Still, she’s not blind to his flaws either.

Con: Can come off as a doormat when Loki is depicted as a domestic abuser who may not go out of his way to be kind for her or even care about her loyalty either. Her sons don’t have nice fates either.

12. Vioarr

Quiet god of vengeance who can take down monsters without injury in the process. Will survive Ragnarok.

Domain: God of Vengence, silence, space, and footwear, and associated with Vali.

Pro: Can fight and slay great monsters without breaking an arm in the process and even using a leather boot. Survives Ragnarock and avenges his father Odin’s death. Is often very quiet which may be due to his scheming.

Con: He and his half-brother Vali were mainly conceived for avenging their half-brother Baldr’s death. Also, doesn’t really keep himself clean until Baldr’s killer is dead. Too bad the culprit was Hoor who is blind and really didn’t mean it.

13. Vali

Conceived and born to avenge one half-brother’s death and kills another as well as helps capture Loki. Went from infancy and adulthood in a single day. Will survive Ragnarok.

Domain: Associated with Vioarr. God of Revenge.

Pro: Managed to kill someone despite being one day old as well as helped capture Loki. Also a great marksman. Destined to survive Ragnarok.

Con: He and his half-brother Vioarr were mainly conceived to avenge Baldr’s death and neither keep themselves clean until then. Also, has a very brief childhood in the course of a day and kills the blind Hoor who didn’t really mean to it. Not to mention, there’s really not much about him.

14. Skaoi

Goddess of winter who could be as cold as ice. Enters Asgard seeking vengeance on her father’s death and really lets Loki have it when he’s captured.

Domain: Goddess of hunting, winter, mountains and skiing. She’s a frost giant as well as goddess through her marriage to Freyr and Freyja’s dad Njoror she chose herself and Scandinavia may have been named after her so she has some importance to Vikings.

Pro: She is certainly not someone to mess with and though she originally goes to Asgard to avenge her dad’s death, the gods seem to treat her surprisingly well that she was allowed to choose a husband (considering her dad kidnapped Iounn).

Con: Once used a dead snake on Loki that dripped poison in his eyes in retaliation for him killing Baldr. Also, it’s very much a challenge to make her laugh.

15. Heimdall

Watchman of Asgard who hears all, sees all, and doesn’t need to sleep. Also has nine mothers.

Domain: Watchman of the Aesir guarding the Bifrost Bridge against any threat as well as represents the benefits of fire and sired the humans and passed runes to them.

Pro: Can see and hear everything that happens in the world and never needs to sleep. Also, doesn’t talk much and almost never leaves his post (save once or twice).

Con: Has an ongoing rivalry with Loki and convinced Thor to dress in drag at one point. Might’ve had nine mothers (this is Norse mythology don’t ask me). Also, destined to die at Ragnarok.

16. Iounn

Keeper of the golden apples who may not play a major role but helps keep the gods from dying of natural causes. Her absence will spell trouble.

Domain: Goddess of agriculture and youth as well as keeper of the golden apples.

Pro: Though she doesn’t have much presence, she has a very important job since the golden apples preserve the gods’ youth and immortality. When she’s kidnapped, they progressively age, which are reversed when she comes back.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in myths unless she’s kidnapped or absent from Asgard. Also, will be no help at Ragnarok.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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