The Interesting Life of NFL Merchandise (Fourth Edition)

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In American sports, the NFL is among the most powerful and richest organizations since football is the country’s most popular sport. And while the NFL makes tons of money with promotions and ticket sales, they earn a shitload from merchandise. As the NFL season comes at the end of August, you will see plenty of it at any local store. Though they’ll most likely sell crap with your local team’s logo on it. Nonetheless, from how I’ve done NFL merchandise posts during the last three years, you can see how the NFL is willing to sell just about anything. Of course, the NFL has been well known for its cash-grab schemes since their gear usually has a high markup. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy NFL crap. Enjoy.

 

  1. Know any time of day with this Dallas Cowboys light up clock.

Now you can tell what time it is after the game and make your home look like a shady club at the same time. Still, this is kind of ridiculous.

2. Lean back in this New York Giants seat.

Wonder if it’s for a car since it sure looks like it. Wouldn’t be surprised.

3. Perhaps you’d like a large Miami Dolphins coffee table.

Still, I don’t think I’d want a large sports logo coffee table in my living room. Kind of tacky for my taste.

4. Light your game room with this overhead Green Bay Packers light.

This is in an awning and is more suited for a bar room. Particularly above a pool table.

5. Show your Steeler pride with this black and gold ring.

Look, I know Pittsburgh is Steelers country. But how nuts do you have to be to get this?

6. Care for a Carolina Panthers can bag?

Since it’s shaped like a can. Guess this is some sort of cooler. Not sure what to think of it.

7. Put your head back on this New England Patriots head seat cover.

This is for a car. Still, I’m not sure why anyone would bother for to buy something like this.

8. Fire up for the game with this Dallas Cowboys drum grill.

Well, at least this seems kind of quaint. But it must cost a fortune.

9. Nothing makes a Seahawks game like baking Seahawks cookies.

Since these are Seahawks cookie cutters. And yes, they’re detachable with details.

10. Back the boys in this Dallas Cowboy dress.

Of course, I’m sure any Dallas girl would want this dress. Even has a large star on it.

11. In Miami, slip into this long Dolphins dress.

At least it doesn’t have sleeves. But the orange stripe on an aqua blue skirt says it all.

12. Look snappy in this Green Bay Packers cheese top hat.

Well, they have other kinds of cheese hats, too. This one is for the rich snobs who go to the opera afterwards.

13. Keep your pool table in ship’s shape with this Oakland Raiders cover.

Not a fan of pool tables. Even less of a fan on covers. Besides, I’m sure anyone who owns a pool table could find a cheaper cover.

14. Go for a drive in this fancy Green Bay Packers car.

Even comes with white wall tires. Still, is very expensive as hell and not worth the money.

15. Enjoy the game in this cheesy cowboy hat.

Indeed, they have cowboy hats, too. Then again, Wisconsin has a lot of cows. But they’re dairy cows. Not beef cattle you round up to put on a train to a Chicago slaughterhouse.

16. Snuggle with your American Girl doll in her Green Bay Packers pajamas.

Really? American Girl Packers PJs? This is insane!

17. Keep yourself warm during the winter in this Miami Dolphins onesie?

I don’t think Miami even gets cold. So why does this onesie exist?

18. Lace yourself tight in this Denver Broncos corset.

Yes, it’s another Denver Broncos corset. And yes, it contains ribbon laces.

19. This Christmas, grace your tree with this shiny Buffalo Bills nutcracker ornament.

The soldier even has a helmet on. And yes, it’s pretty terrifying.

20. You can’t celebrate Christmas without a Cleveland Browns shoe ornament.

I don’t get this. How do football and high heels go together? And what does it have to do with Christmas?

21. Apparently, Santa likes watching the Packers and checkers.

Santa even has a Packers sweater. Even his elf is dressed in Packers gear.

22. When Santa is in Minnesota, he decks Vikings gear.

And he’s even dressed in purple to match. Wait a minute, that can’t be right.

23. In Jacksonville, it helps to have Jaguars chair ornament on your Christmas tree.

Even has its own cup holder. Still, why would anyone buy this? It’s ridiculous.

24. Keep your black and gold M&Ms in this Steelers dispenser.

How do you get black and gold M&Ms? Because I have no idea.

25. Now your dog can be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

Yes, this is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleading outfit for dogs. You can see how ridiculous and stupid this is.

26. Serve your tailgate grub in this Seattle Seahawks kickasserole dish.

I’m sure the decals add more to the price tag. You can get a cheaper plain one at Wal Mart.

27. Carry your things in this elegant New Orleans Saints shoe purse.

And one with a high heel at that. Not sure why any woman would want to carry it around with her.

28. Find the time of day with this Dallas Cowboys gem encrusted watch.

I’m sure this is way overpriced. Seriously, why would anyone buy this crap?

29. Don’t like the Patriots? Get this deflated football hat.

Don’t need to put much air in it. And you can wear it when the Patriots are in your neck of the woods.

30. Kick back and relax in this Oakland Raiders easy chair.

This one doesn’t have a foot rest or ottoman. But it sure looks comfy.

31. Hope you can settle in this leather Miami Dolphins.

Even comes with a fancy foot rest. So you can prop up your tired feet.

32. Be the king of your castle in this Packers cheese crown.

Don’t worry. It’s not made out of cheese. Yet, you have to wonder how many kinds of cheese hats the Packers have.

33. Keep your food fresh in this Dallas Cowboys wheeled cooler.

Sure you want to keep your food fresh. But please, a plain one will do just as fine.

34. Speaking of Dallas Cowboys, perhaps you might want a stepping stone for your garden.

Not sure why anyone would want this. It’s just garden decor which doesn’t have much of a purpose.

35. Enjoy the game with this Cincinnati Bengals bowl.

Is this a trash can? Because the shape would explain a lot.

36. Men, spice up your night in this Seattle Seahawks thong.

That’s just a piece of cloth with ribbons on it. I guess guys wear it to cover their junk.

37. You can’t bake without this New Orleans Saints cake pan.

Or you can just make a helmet cake and put a fleur de lis on it. Since that would be cheaper than buying this.

38. If you’re Jewish, wear your team on your yarmulke.

This one is from the Indianapolis Colts. Wouldn’t be surprised if they had other NFL gear for other faiths. Like a plush Vishnu doll wearing a Jets jersey.

39. Start out your day with a cup of Steelers gourmet roast.

Indeed, I don’t know why I don’t see this in a store. But it won’t give you a lot of yards rushing.

40. Keep your teeth nice and clean with this Green Bay Packers toothbrush.

I get it why they sell these toothbrushes. Still, it’s probably overpriced just the same.

41. You can fix anything with some Green Bay Packers duck tape.

Yet, it’s yellow with the Packers logo on it. So be careful when you apply it.

42. Top your Christmas tree with this Steeler angel.

Well, she’s in a Steelers gown. Luckily, she sits with golden wings.

43. Store your drinks in this Carolina Panthers cooler.

Sure this cooler may be used to keep drinks chilled. But the logo just adds more to the price tag.

44. Be ready for game day wearing these NFL onesie suits.

Unlike the previous ones I showed, these have hoods. And yes, they will make you look like an idiot.

45. If you like Barry Sanders, you might like this signed urinal.

Barry Sanders was a player for the Detroit Lions. But I’d sure like to know how he managed to sign it.

46. Look snazzy in this Green Bay Packers suit.

Comprises of yellow pants with a Packers jacket and tie. And yes, it’s as tacky as hell.

47. Cheer your team wearing this cheesy baseball cap.

Well, if you’re a Packers fan anyway. And yes, it’s probably made out of yellow foam.

48. Bet you’d want to pack something in this Packers pipe.

Seems like it’s for those plants your weird neighbor grows in his basement. Also the design is kind of trippy, man.

49. Keep your dog warm in this New England Patriots hoodie.

Yes, this is a dog hoodie. Seriously, dogs already have something to keep them warm and safe from the elements. It’s called fur.

50. Shine and sparkle with this football ring.

Consists of footballs encrusted with jewels. Yes, they’re fake but nonetheless flashy.

51. NFL belts will always hold you up.

The one on the left is from the Chicago Bears. The one on the right is from the San Francisco 49ers.

52. Men will look sensational in these button down NFL shirts.

These are just casual collared shirts with NFL logos on it. Yet, they come in different colors and patterns.

53. Keep your money safe in this Cincinnati Bengals wallet.

Well, this isn’t too bad. But it’s probably way more expensive than a regular one.

54. Keep your business cards in this Rams holder.

I’m more used to calling them the Saint Louis Rams. Yet, they’ve moved to LA. So I’ll just call them the Rams.

55. Make your home ready for game day with this Pittsburgh Steelers scoreboard alarm clock.

When you wake up, it bursts into a variation of the “Pennsylvania Polka.” Also, will alert you if Bengals fans are near.

56. Honor our servicemen with this Seattle Seahawks military hoodie.

Let’s face it, the NFL’s salute for America’s military is just a corporate cash grab. Seriously, they have the military pay them for shows of patriotism.

57. Sit back and relax in your Oakland Raiders bathrobe.

Indeed, it’s sleek and fuzzy. But it probably costs much more than one you can buy at Gabe’s for half the price.

58. Grace your home with this Cleveland Browns totem sculpture.

Yes, they make these. Might be appropriate for the Seahawks. Not sure for the Browns.

59. Putter up with these Cleveland Browns golf balls and tees.

Yes, more golf stuff. Yet, these are in green, brown, and white with the Browns logo.

60. Put your pizza in the oven with this Cleveland Browns pizza board.

You’re supposed to put a pizza on it. Other than that, I don’t see much purpose to it.

61. Hold up your pants with these Bengals suspenders.

I’m sure regular suspenders will do the job just as well. And for half the price.

62. This Bengals runner mat is just the ticket.

Since it resembles a ticket to a Bengals game. Not sure which is more expensive.

63. Take your things on the go with this rolling Bengals duffel bag.

Kind of give a new meaning to “carry-on” luggage. Wonder if there’s a plain one that’s cheaper.

64. Take your drink in style with this jeweled Bengals mug.

I’m not sure why this even exists. Because the jewels just makes it seem more ridiculous.

65. Make dinner time a first down with this Cincinnati Bengals knife set.

All of these are orange with stripes on it. Hope they’re not made out of plastic.

66. Looks like this Bengals fan groom is put on the old ball and chain.

This is a wedding cake topper with the old ball and chain. But it includes a Bengals helmet.

67. Spend countless hours assembling this Cleveland Browns puzzle.

Comprises of 500 pieces. Though I’d rather assemble a jigsaw puzzle from a different team.

68. Support your New England Patriots in this tie-dye T-shirt.

Not sure if tie dye goes well with football. Doesn’t seem to make sense.

69. Support your Cleveland Browns wherever you go with this wheeled suitcase.

It’s just a wheeled suitcase with a Browns logo on it. Hope it’s not for an away game.

70. This Cleveland Browns robot is a true champ.

Then again, being a Browns robot, I beg to differ. Since the Browns aren’t known for winning games.

71. You can go anywhere with this Cleveland Browns carry-on backpack.

So you can take it on a hike or on the airport floor. Though you’ll have better luck getting a cheaper model.

72. Seems like this zombie is a Rams fan.

It’s a Halloween garden decoration. And it mostly consists of a zombie hand holding the Rams logo.

73. With this Bengals purse, you can go anywhere.

You can wear it a couple different ways. Like on your shoulder or on your wrist.

74. Serve your tailgate grub on this Bengals platter.

It’s even shaped like a football for good measure. Will mostly have crackers, cheese, and lunch meat.

75. Pour yourself a glass a Hu-Dey Bengal beer.

Apparently, there’s a Bengal beer around. Not something you’d want at Heinz Field though.

76. Be the team chef in your kitchen with this Baltimore Ravens apron and hat.

I’m sure any fan would be wearing it at the grill. Though I’m not sure if the chef’s hat is necessary.

77. After a long golf match, cool off with this Cleveland Browns golf towel.

Not sure why anyone would use a golf towel. I mean it’s not the game that gives off a sweat save for walking between courses.

78. Make your house a home with some Baltimore Ravens carpet tiles.

Now I love the color purple. But I wouldn’t want a checked carpet with Ravens logo on it though.

79. Refresh your thirst with this Baltimore Ravens water bottle.

It’s a metal bottle with a Ravens label on it. Though I don’t think it contains water when they lose.

80. Be a pool hustler with this Baltimore Ravens cue stick.

Though I think regular cue sticks will work just as well. And be much cheaper.

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