Vintage Thanksgiving Advertising in the Days of Old

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Now in case you don’t remember, Thanksgiving is a holiday that falls on the last Thursday of November between Halloween and Christmas. It’s the one in which was based off the large 1621 feast in present day Plymouth, Massachusetts between a group of English religious nuts in funny hats and buckled shoes and generous indigenous people who would later become victims of genocide. Still, you would know these groups as “Pilgrims” and “Indians” but if you want to know some of the details from the first Thanksgiving story, you might as well go to my movie history post on Colonial America (it’s the one with Daniel Day Lewis from Arthur Miller’s The Crucible). Anyway, kids make paper costumes and dress like them when they aren’t doing tracing their hands to make turkeys. Of course, it’s been a national holiday since the 1860s though, which might’ve been promoted by an editor of a ladies’ magazine. Anyway, this a time when American families all over the country gather together to give thanks and enjoy a meal consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and perhaps a lot of things that aren’t really good for you. On the TV lineup, you have the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade special in the morning followed by The Purina National Dog Show hosted by John O’Hurley. Both programs are on NBC and in my house. The afternoon is mostly followed with football and an evening with either Thanksgiving programming or Christmas specials. As for me, my nuclear family just invites my grandparents and possibly out of state relatives for steak and shrimp since my mom’s one of eight kids who are mostly seeing their in-laws. Then we have Thanksgiving dinner on the day after, though I’m not sure if I’m going to make it this year since it would Black Friday and I accepted a retail job for the holiday season.

Now when we think of vintage ads pertaining to Thanksgiving, we tend to imagine the Norman Rockwell image of a family gathered at a large table featuring a succulent turkey. Of course, with the Christmas ad cavalcade, that we have any Thanksgiving advertising at all. However, many of these ads I feature in this post don’t really conform to that wholesome family image and may feature dishes that may be as bad on the eyes as they are in your arteries. So without further adieu, here some old timey Thanksgiving ads that you make you glad you didn’t live at that time.

1. Nothing goes better with Thanksgiving dinner than Rhinegold Beer.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she's sure as hell going to need a drink.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she’s sure as hell going to need a drink.

2. On this Thanksgiving, may Buster Brown help positively channel your children’s budding homicidal tendencies.

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he's probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he’s probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

3. Drink Budweiser for the first Thanksgiving was for corn.

For one, beer's made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God's sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona.

For one, beer’s made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God’s sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona!

4. Like the Pilgrims, enjoy your Thanksgiving with Heinz’s Boston Baked Beans.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston didn't even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston, Massachusetts didn’t even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false. Yet, there is a Boston in England though.

5. Nothing says Thanksgiving like super skinny model and four turkey dinners in the background.

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they'd gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws).

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they’d gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws). The model kind of reminds me as the bitchy ex-wife from My Name Is Earl if she wore attire from the 1960s.

6. Beer: The Thanksgiving beverage for the grownup table.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn't disturb the adult family members while they're hammered on the Turkey Day booze.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn’t disturb the adult family members while they’re hammered on the Turkey Day booze. And even Grandma gets a beer.

7. Try our new Campbell’s Turkey Noodle Soup.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it's much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell's shows here.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it’s much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell’s shows here. Still, a great taste of salty flavor. Mmmm…salt.

8. Butter always makes everything taste better even turkey in Canada, eh?

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

9. Whether it’s for chocolate cake, stuffed apples, and yams, marshmallows go well with everything.

Now I'm all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

Now I’m all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

10. For a finishing touch on your Thanksgiving dinner, here’s Maxwell Coffee.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won't be having any coffee, unless they're the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won’t be having any coffee, unless they’re the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

11. Nothing makes a better Thanksgiving decoration than a cranberry scented candle.

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Helman's and the

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Hellman’s and the “candles” are supposed to be salads you have to eat? And there’s even a recipe for it listed. Now this is just fucked up. There’s really no way I’m going to eat food that’s being burned as a candle.

12. For a vegetable, go with Del Monte canned sweet corn because it’s soft on your grandpa’s dentures.

Now my family doesn't serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it's out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren't really good for you anyway.

Now my family doesn’t serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it’s out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren’t really good for you anyway.

13. Try to make him taste the best with Campbell’s soup.

Of course, Campbell's soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell's,

Of course, Campbell’s soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell’s, “Mmmm…Salt.” Oh, I’m sure the pilgrim will strangle the turkey to death all the way home. Also, why does the soup have to be tomato for God’s sake?

14. For the black woman, use Du Pont cellophane to seal the freshness of the Thanksgiving food that you’re never going to eat.

You can figure the woman in this ad isn't going to eat the food she's wrapping up because her wardrobe screams,

You can figure the woman in this ad isn’t going to eat the food she’s wrapping up because her wardrobe screams, “maid.” Let’s just say the black maid is a rather demeaning black stereotype, if you know what I mean.

15. Get that down home feel, with a pack of Winston’s cigarettes.

Of course, they'll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I'm sure that down home taste isn't worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

Of course, they’ll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I’m sure that down home taste isn’t worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

16. Have your cranberry surprise on a platter as a salad or an appetizer.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that's just disgusting.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that’s just disgusting.

17. Buy your Big Ben Westclock to make sure the turkey is baked just right, for death.

I'm sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

I’m sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

18. Try McCormick for your pumpkin spice pie or pumpkin spice latte.

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let's hope it's not mildew shall we?

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let’s hope it’s not mildew shall we? Because that would be gross.

19. Don’t have time to cook on Thanksgiving? Well, why don’t you buy a TV dinner?

I don't know about you, but I don't think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can't cook. Also, TV dinners aren't very good for you either.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can’t cook. Also, TV dinners aren’t very good for you either.

20. For actual Thanksgiving dishes, why don’t you go with borderline tupperware Pyrex?

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I'm sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I’m sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

21. Now join the veggie bandwagon with Lucky Strike cigarettes. It will give you a very good time.

If I were the turkey, I'd be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let's just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

If I were the turkey, I’d be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let’s just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

22. Make Schlitz your Thanksgiving beer as you pull the wishbone.

Let's hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and put go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

Let’s hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

23. Sorry, it’s dinner time, so just let us finish our beer.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don't understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don’t understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

24. After Thanksgiving dinner, enjoy a smoke with Turkish tobacco.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the young guy's a soldier in WWI so that might the last time he takes a nice quiet smoke in any circumstance. Yet, there must be kids running around for sure.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the family who smokes together all dies of lung cancer.

25. Nothing says Thanksgiving greetings than a Western Union telegram.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can't wait to eat, the girl doesn't seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can’t wait to eat, the girl doesn’t seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

26. Start your Thanksgiving with Cream of Wheat cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world's hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world’s hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

27. Drink some hot Dr. Pepper with lime for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now I don't know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they're cocktails.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they’re cocktails.

28. Now this woman doesn’t need a man to kill her turkey, all thanks to Chesterfield cigarettes.

Still, I don't think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won't tomorrow.

Still, I don’t think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won’t tomorrow.

29. How about taking your Thanksgiving turkey leftovers and putting them in a jello bowl to serve as a casserole?

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the stoner food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner.

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the college kid food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner. Just why do they seem to put jello in everything?

30. So what if you overate that Thanksgiving dinner? Why don’t you have a bottle of Coke and double decker sandwich?

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea.

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea. After all, some people will need the calories.

31. Butter your Thanksgiving bird with Keyko.

I don't know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying.

I don’t know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying. Still, buttered turkey is bound to clog your arteries.

32. Feast on Ocean Spray cranberries and enjoy them as the Pilgrims did.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn't eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn't completely wrong. However, I'm sure they didn't consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn’t eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn’t completely wrong. However, I’m sure they didn’t consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

33. For Thanksgiving dinner, why not make orange marshmallow yam-yums?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God's sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God’s sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

34. Smoking, like Thanksgiving is an American tradition.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn't mean it's a tradition that should be encouraged.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn’t mean it’s a tradition that should be encouraged.

35. Seagram’s Crown Whiskey, a great beverage for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I'm sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don't want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can't resist the turkey smell.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I’m sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don’t want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can’t resist the turkey smell.

36. For Thanksgiving in 1942, top off your turkey dinner with some Schenley Whiskey.

Good God. I know that's not Jimmy Stewart because he's in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It's a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

Good God! I know that’s not Jimmy Stewart because he’s in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It’s a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

37. Behold, a turkey endorsing Schenley Whiskey as the Mayflower beckons in the distance.

Now I've seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

Now I’ve seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

38. For you digestion, smoke Camels cigarettes with everything so have a pack on the table to keep you company at all times.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let's just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let’s just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

39. For those who can’t get a turkey for this Thanksgiving, why don’t you go with Spam Birds?

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it's about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I'll leave it at that.

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it’s about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I’ll leave it at that.

40. Buy some Dromedary Dates for your Thanksgiving fruitcake.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake. That is, unless it's covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake (or at least admits it). That is, unless it’s covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

41. Even though Mom had to slave all day in the kitchen cooking Thanksgiving dinner, she still had to be well made up with perfect hair.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

42. For your mounds of cranberries in lettuce, use Hellman’s mayonnaise.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

43. Celebrate Thanksgiving with a vegetable loaf containing apple rings, mashed potatoes, and “cranberry turkey.”

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a “cranberry turkey” is, I don’t want to know.

44. Happy Thanksgiving, now bring on the beer.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner's over.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner’s over.

45. It’s always great for Dad to don his chef’s hat and help out baking the turkey.

Still, it doesn't hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she's tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

Still, it doesn’t hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she’s tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

46. For comfort on your Thanksgiving, there’s Carter’s Trigs.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

47. Shop at Gray’s Market for Thanksgiving with native turkeys.

"Wonder when he finds out it's poison. Now he's sure to croak any time now. Can't wait until the life insurance pays out."

“Wonder when he finds out it’s poison. Now he’s sure to croak any time now. Can’t wait until the life insurance pays out.”

48. Budweiser – the official beer for Thanksgiving.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

49. Happy Thanksgiving by the General Telephone System and Paul Bunyan.

Hey, I didn't know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman's collar shirt form the 20th century?

Hey, I didn’t know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman’s collar shirt form the 20th century?

50. Look your best for Thanksgiving with these Arrow shirts.

And I'm not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady's ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

And I’m not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady’s ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

I’m Sorry, Marcellus Shale, but Fracking Just Isn’t Safe

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It’s been a long time since I posted anything that had anything remotely to do with politics and social issues, but I think this would be just as a good time as any, especially since this relates to an issue close to my home. As a lifelong resident of Southwestern Pennsylvania, I’m all too familiar about natural gas drilling of the Marcellus Shale. In fact, I still remember when the leasing and gas drilling began in my area around my senior year in high school. Yet, the issue regarding the drilling of Marcellus Shale didn’t come to the forefront until my later years in college. While natural gas companies and a lot of government figures swear by every word that the drilling for natural gas in Pennsylvania has benefited the state economy and created jobs for people in this state. Furthermore, they say that natural gas gives us energy independence from foreign oil.

However, I have yet to see any economic progress or at least the growth that benefits my area or my life. While there’s been a lot of drilling in my area, I can’t say that anyone who’s leased has become in any way rich. Not to mention, as of 2014, Pennsylvania is the only state in the entire country not to enact a tax on natural gas. Sure nobody likes taxes but I see a a lot of unfairness with gas companies being free to lease land and drill on Pennsylvania land at no cost to them. This was particularly true when the constant weight of large gas trucks caused small creek bridge to collapse on my road. It wasn’t repaired until a little over a year later, which is no surprise to me since my road isn’t on PenDOT’s high priority list. Now Western Pennsylvania is no stranger to adverse road conditions due to rugged terrain, temperate climate, and high precipitation rates. Yet, there’s no doubt in my mind that the gas trucks were responsible for a bridge collapse on my road. But, all the repair costs were paid by Pennsylvania taxpayers who are required to do so, not the tax-exempted gas companies. Now I’ve heard that a Marcellus gas tax would threaten the industry in the area. Yet, I think Pennsylvania should tax the gas companies on the basic premise that if a company wants to use state land and infrastructure, then it should pay a tax like everyone else in Pennsylvania. As for jobs, while I know many people in the area who’ve leased their land for drilling, I don’t know anyone in my neck of the woods who works the drilling sites. And it’s said that many employees are from out of state.

Yet, my biggest gripe with the Marcellus Shale drilling in my neck of the woods is the process of hydraulic fracturing, especially through horizontal drilling. Now fracking is a well stimulation technique in which gallons of highly pressurized fluids (usually a mix between water and chemicals) are pumped into a well to fracture deep rock formations. This process allows oil and gas flow more freely. And when pressure is removed, small grains of fracking proppants hold the fractures open once the deep rock stabilize so the well’s contents can be extracted indefinitely.

Here's a graphic illustration on how hydraulic fracturing works.

Here’s a graphic illustration on how hydraulic fracturing works in the Marcellus Shale drilling scheme.

Now fracking is a highly controversial practice, no less so in Pennsylvania. Sure it may allow more accessible hydrocarbons which is good for the economy but at what cost? Gas companies may reap the royalties but people still have to live near where these wells are drilled. Not only that, but a lot of drilling takes place on agricultural land, which I can personally attest to since I live near a few farms. Thus, as someone who lives near a few drill sites, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be environmentally concerned. After all, even when the wells run dry, I still have to live in the area. And if I decide to move out, then so would my parents and grandparents. So yes, I think I do have the right to know whether fracking is safe or not. But do I believe fracking is safe? Absolutely not.

Since drilling on the Marcellus Shale began in the later 2000s, there have been a lot environmental concerns such as water contamination, fresh water depletion, air quality degradation, earthquake risks, noise pollution, surface pollution, and other possible impacts on wildlife and human health. Not to mention, I’m familiar with at least the noise pollution aspect since shale drilling typically goes on 24/7 and yes, it’s noisy as hell. Not to mention, each site has bright lights during the night, which may cause light pollution as well. And I can verify the bit about that fracking uses 1-8 million gallons of water per operation (plus thousands of gallons containing chemical additives), which would create the need for 400 tanker trucks to transport it. Thus, leading to a lot of road damage and a collapsed bridge that won’t be repaired until the following year. Since tanker trucks use a lot of diesel, how I could occasionally smell the gas during some of my morning walks, the occasional sight of burning flame on a drilling tower, and the fact a lot of gas well explosions were reported on the news, I might want to add air pollution (though it’s unclear to what extent) and global warming from carbon emissions. Not to mention, I’d like to include deforestation to the impact list as well since I’ve witnessed a large chunk of trees cut down to make way for a drilling pad and other infrastructure like pipelines and compressor stations. As far as I know, gas drilling causes all these things, which may lead to wildlife devastation and a toll on human health.

Then there’s the water contamination factor, which is the biggest concern of all. We know well that fracking uses a lot of water that’s mixed with chemical proppants injected deep within the earth’s surface. Yet, there’s considerable debate on these chemical additives are and whether they’re harmful, whether the flowback waste water could be properly disposed or treated, and whether the fluid or methane is contaminating sources of fresh drinking water. Not to mention, there’s the question of whether a frack conducted in the optimal situation can pose potential harm to the water sources. And do these gas companies perform these fracking operations with health and safety in mind? If not, then how often do these bad practices occur? There have been a lot of reports and studies pertaining to groundwater contamination due to fracking. Yet, we’re not sure if such contamination is due to drilling near old industrial developments, normal drilling side affects, or just bad business practices. However, the reason there’s so many unreliable research studies on this is because they’re funded by agencies that are trying to make people see the situation their own way. Those who say that fracking is safe are most likely funded by the companies themselves. Others that don’t say it’s safe may possibly be funded by environmental groups.

Here's a photo of what a typical natural gas drill pad looks like. Now drilling and fracking operations have the tendency to take days at a time.

Here’s a photo of what a typical natural gas drill pad looks like during a drilling and fracking operation. Now drilling and fracking operations have the tendency to take days at a time.

However, I can tell you one thing. When it comes to believing either the gas companies and environmentalists, I’m more likely to side with the latter. Sure gas companies may say that fracking is safe and will go through great lengths to prove it. Yet, since they tend to make money off gas drilling, they’ll tell you that fracking is safe even if there’s irrefutable evidence to the contrary. In other words, you can’t trust them. And in the United States, it doesn’t help that fracking fluid recipes are allowed to be treated as trade secrets by the companies who use them. Now this doesn’t increase my confidence, especially if the environment and health at stake. Though some companies have disclosed, not all of them have. And those who have may not be the most reliable. Yet, a congressional committee report from 2011 states that fracking fluid contains 2,500 proppants with more than 650 of them listed as either known or possible carcinogens under the Safe Drinking Water Act or hazardous air pollutants.

Even if fracking is safe under optimal conditions, there are many things that could go wrong in the natural gas drilling pad during the process. And one small mistake can spell environmental disaster for the community. A well can allow natural gas migrate up and out of the rock into water or basements. While leaking methane is potent greenhouse gas, it’s also a potential safety hazard. Then there’s the casing factor (or cement sheath that surrounds the newly drilled well). Casings improperly made could cause the gas migrating along the outside or possibly leave cracks in the sheath. According to the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection (DEP), 6,466 wells were issued 219 violations notices from 2008 to 2013, accounting for roughly 3% of all wells. Still, the DEP still didn’t find any evidence of groundwater contamination from methane leaks. Of course, knowing it came from 2013, I’m not surprised that they’d say this since the department head was a Tom Corbett appointee (and Corbett was known to receive $1 million from the gas companies for his 2010 gubernatorial campaign). However, the 2009 Dimock incident has demonstrated that it certainly can, especially if it leads to someone’s water well exploding. Not to mention, the other 209 times oil and gas operations damaged water supplies from that same time period according to a DEP account reported in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Yet, since Pennsylvania isn’t the most environmentally friendly state, to say that fracking causes groundwater contamination is difficult to say, from a scientific standpoint anyway. This is because baseline data for groundwater conditions before drilling isn’t publicly available (and mostly collected by the gas companies themselves). Not only that, but some states like Pennsylvania, don’t have good groundwater monitoring because it’s not required by law.

If it’s not the groundwater contamination through methane leakage and explosions, then it’s through the fracking fluid itself. Now mixing a lot of chemicals in millions of water gallons isn’t a great environmental practice, especially if the proppants are toxic. However, not all fracking fluid comes in exactly flows out with estimates varying between 5-90% of fluid remaining in the ground. While much of the tainted water is found far beneath the Marcellus Shale and groundwater supplies (as far as we know), there have been reports of contaminated groundwater at shallow well sites in West Virginia and Wyoming. Water that does come back (called, “flowback”) is stored on these large pits until it can be transported through a waste water facility or disposed of at an EPA-licensed disposal well. It’s said that less than 10% of the water is evaporated, reused, used for irrigation, or discharged to surface streams through an NPDES permit. Most Marcellus Shale wells are said to absorb most of the water pumped into them. But an article from Scientific American predicts that these wells will soon begin to produce water carrying toxic and possibly radioactive contaminants leached from surrounding rock as well as lots of salt. This is already happening in Pennsylvania’s waterways and if the state decides to evaporate this water, then it would have to deal with how to get rid of 10 million tons of salt left over.

This is what a typical natural gas drilling site under fracking operations looks like at night. Now such operations go on 24/7 until completion so that means locals have to deal with blaring bright lights and noise all through the night.

This is what a typical natural gas drilling site under fracking operations looks like at night. Now such operations go on 24/7 until completion so that means locals have to deal with blaring bright lights and noise all through the night.

Nevertheless, the waste pits on drill sites usually store flowback water in the open air where it can poison unsuspecting wildlife or evaporate into the atmosphere untreated, possibly leading to acid rain. These can be as large as football fields. Now these can also be prone to accidental spillage with its contents possibly finding their way to a nearby stream or perhaps seeping into the groundwater. And it doesn’t help that most drilling takes place on farms which can lead to poor soil and damaged crops. There was even a case in Pennsylvania in which cows had to be quarantined over waste water leak on a farm as well a leak that contaminated a community’s drinking water in Washington County. Luckily, waste water pits aren’t always present every drill pad you see.

The most dominant method of fracking flowback disposal in all areas but Pennsylvania is underground injection, which is basically dumping the water back where it came from. In Pennsylvania, this isn’t possible due to geology and regulations so the water is treated and reused. Yet, it’s said this won’t last forever. Not to mention, there have been instances illegal flowback dumping reported in Ohio, Virginia, and California that might also contaminate local waterways and drinking supplies as well. And while some fracking flowback gets treated and reused (mostly in Pennsylvania), the EPA says that most water treatment works in the country aren’t set up to treat it. In Pennsylvania, such method is common practice for years but the volume greatly expanded with the Marcellus Shale boom. Some treatment plants may not even be equipped to handle some of the fracking fluid’s more toxic components. And when water treatment plants may treat some of the fracking water, it can’t always treat it all. Thus, this leads to some of the water being discharged to rivers, lakes, streams, and drinking supply.

Here's a rough diagram from Gasland on how fracking can affect the environment. This can pertain to chemicals getting into the water supply in particular.

Here’s a rough diagram from Gasland on how fracking can affect the environment. This can pertain to chemicals getting into the water supply in particular.

I know that environmentalists have their own agendas and sometimes exaggerate their claims. But despite some inaccuracies, there are some things that even the noted anti-fracking film Gasland can’t make up. Even though a fracking disaster may happen on one of those rare occasions, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen in your neck of the woods. Not only that, and just because the gas drilling companies may take every precaution to ensure their fracking operations do any harm, doesn’t mean that mistakes can be made or something can (or will) go terribly wrong. Even if those disasters only happen less than 10% of the time, that doesn’t me we shouldn’t worry about them. And when it does, the environmental consequences are devastating. Now even if fracking doesn’t cause water contamination doesn’t mean it’s perfectly safe since the process can at least affect the air quality during the operations, which is a fact we can’t ignore.

Let’s face it, natural gas may be a cleaner fuel than coal but that doesn’t mean that it’s a eco friendly. In fact, it’s a fossil fuel just like any form of energy you get from the ground and emits carbon emissions that contribute to global warming. Nor can we say that it’s extraction process is environmentally safe either since fracking still pollutes and can still do considerable harm on local wildlife and human health. And though the gas companies may say fracking is perfectly safe, this doesn’t mean that they’re willing to share information on what’s in their fracking fluid or any baseline data on groundwater conditions before drilling ever took place. Thus, you just simply can’t take their word for it. Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but from what I’ve seen, heard, wrote, and read, I just have no confidence that fracking is safe under any circumstances. I know fracking is here to stay and there’s nothing I can do about for now. And despite that I’ve heard how Marcellus Shale drilling helps Pennsylvania, I just don’t think the risk contaminating millions of gallons of fresh water all for extracting natural gas is worth it. If there was a greener way, I would probably be more compliant but until there is, I can’t see any way I can support such measures. So sorry, Marcellus Shale, but I just don’t see it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Second Edition)

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While there are certain cards that you can send to your loved ones on the holidays, you can look at postcards all year round. Despite that my last vintage postcard post wasn’t as popular as the ones on vintage Christmas cards or valentines, many of these are quite unforgettable in their own right. But if you’ve enjoyed them, there’s still plenty more of them to see that you wouldn’t have written on to send to your mother. Still, you wouldn’t believe the kinds of bad vintage postcards there are out there. So if you’re tired of seeing those tacky postcards from my previous post, then I have a treat for you. So without further adieu, here are some more tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure.

1. So after God created practically everything known in the natural world, he created Texas. Good God.

Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would've undoubtedly boast about it.

Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would’ve undoubtedly boast about it like there’s no tomorrow.

2. Sorry, I can’t understand German so I’m not sure why the guy has a torture device around his neck in the shape of a horse.

Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people.

Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people. Yet, that guy will certainly be in a lot of pain after he goes through it and if he survives.

3. Greetings from the Little Traverse Hospital and Burns Clinic!

Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school.

Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school. Seriously, this resembles a AAAA high school where all the preppie kids went to.

4. For Valentine’s Day, why don’t you send your sweetheart one of a couple on love’s wings.

Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?

Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?

5. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, except for the turkey that I’m going to shoot at.

Yeah, because nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving" than a turkey's inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim's blunderbuss.

Yeah, because nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a turkey’s inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim’s blunderbuss.

6. Christmas Geetings from Chicken’s Rock, Lighthouse, and Sound. J. O. M.

You'd think a place named Chicken may have more interesting scenery but this doesn't seem to. Also, seems kind of dreary and desolate that no one seems to have a Merry Christmas down there.

Apparently the people of Chicken’s Rock don’t seem to be having a Merry Christmas this year as seen by the landscape of despair and desolation that would make someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder want to jump off and drown themselves.

7. This is either a cute little postcard or a scene of workplace miscreants.

Then again, I'm not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it's doing there. Seriously, why the hell is it there?

Then again, I’m not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it’s doing there. Oh, that’s her leg isn’t it? Still, it’s kind of sexually suggestive if you know what I mean.

8. A man’s love is like a firecracker sometimes it pops and sometimes it only fizzles.

Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I'm not sure if this postcard is referring to a man's love as it is about a man's sexuality. Still, if a man's "love" fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.

Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I’m not sure if this postcard is referring to a man’s love as it is about a man’s sexuality. Still, if a man’s “love” fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.

9. Of course, there are postcards for everything, even celebrating the birth of Nazi babies.

 On the back it says, "May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!" Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy.


On the back it says, “May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!” Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy?

10. So, fellas, if the other team’s punter is a woman, just go right up to kiss her.

Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would've let him kick the football. Then again, she's into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.

Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would’ve let him kick the football. Then again, she’s into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.

11. See if you have the perfect woman, according to the language of the Car Talk guys or your local mechanic.

Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn't a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist.

Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn’t a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist especially with the boxes containing “twin exhausts” and “power steering.”

12. Hey, I didn’t know they had ball deodorant in those days. Didn’t know men need them.

Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it's applied with a ball. Still, anyone who's old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.

Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it’s applied with a ball. Still, anyone who’s old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.

13. Vacations make strange seat fellows in some circumstances.

Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy's lap if she's not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.

Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy’s lap if she’s not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.

14. Greetings from Coney Island, where you can get red hot frankfurters, sauerkraut, and dog shit on the waiter?

Man, did it suck to be a black guy  in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it's ground meat and not something I think it is.

Man, did it suck to be a black guy in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it’s ground meat and not something I think it is.

15. Greetings from the Damm family from their family camper for they’re having a wonderful time.

Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I'm sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.

Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I’m sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.

16. I have a bad feeling about a sheep between the man’s legs.

Let's just hope it's just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.

Let’s just hope it’s just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.

17. Of course, when dogs gotta go, they gotta go.

Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.

Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.

18. Amish people sure do love Intercourse, PA, which was named after an old tavern stand.

Of course, I'm sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I'm positive it's not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the name Intercourse.

Of course, I’m sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I’m positive it’s not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the fact the town has an unintentionally dirty name. Yes, there’s a real town called Intercourse, look it up.

19. Performance Art: Creating the stuff of nightmares since your grandparents’ generation.

I'm sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.

I’m sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.

20. Of course, you’re never too young to start smoking.

Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.

Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.

21. Hey, I didn’t know James Cagney played Thomas Jefferson. Oh, wait, he didn’t.

Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy," than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.

Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.

22. Never have I seen a bunch of ladies this bored at a whiskey festival.

"Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, you may get lucky tonight. Then again, you might end up on a list of sex offenders."

“Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, this could be your lucky night. When a guy is loaded, he thinks any girl is attractive. Trust me, that’s how I met my husband in Vegas.”

23. Just another day at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy hunting lodge.

I'm sure it wouldn't be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren't shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I'm sure you couldn't get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren’t shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I’m sure you couldn’t get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.

24. At least being a member of Starfleet has its perks such as having the crew go on shore leave at lovely snow planet ski resort and spa.

Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes.

Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes. Also, why are those women wearing swimsuits indoors?

25. Now before you go on your hunting trip in the Alps, here are some German words you need to know.

I'm sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the "Schnitzelbank" reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.

I’m sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the “Schnitzelbank” reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.

26. See the bikini beauties from Hampton, Iowa?

Let's just say that if you live in a town that's desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.

Let’s just say that if you live in a town that’s desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.

27. Flatten your tummy by as much as 4 inches instantly with a Compresso belt for just $3.98. Over 1 million satisfied customers.

Or as we know these undergarments, "spanx." I'm sure we didn't call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations.

Or as we know these undergarments, “spanx.” I’m sure we didn’t call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations. And your grandma wore them a lot more often than you’ll ever have.

28. No cowboy could ever round up them little doagies without his trusty giant Jackalope.

The back of this postcard says, "This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time." I'm sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can't be that huge).

The back of this postcard says, “This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time.” I’m sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can’t be that huge).

29. Aww, see Jesus with those dear little children come unto him.

With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus' apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don't seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.

With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus’ apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don’t seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.

30. Here is Miss Perma-Vend awing at this handy plastic sealing doohicky. I don’t know what the hell this is.

Oh, it's a laminator for certain items you don't want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.

Oh, it’s a laminator for certain items you don’t want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.

31. Go to the Bible museum and see Salome’s dance of the seven veils.

And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I'm sure Salome's dance didn't go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.

And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I’m sure Salome’s dance didn’t go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.

32. Please don’t pick the flowers off this woman.

Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.

Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.

33. The visible woman bares all for everyone to see.

For God's sake that's going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.

For God’s sake that’s going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.

34. See, kiddies, cotton picking is fun. Really, look at how happy this little tyke is picking cotton.

Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn't have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.

Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn’t have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.

35. The three bares say hello from the beach.

I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don't think a postcard with young girls' bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they'll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.

I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don’t think a postcard with young girls’ bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they’ll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.

36. See the deranged sea horse fountain at the Dadeland Mall in Florida.

I'm sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico.

I’m sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico. Still, why have that at a mall fountain, I have no idea.

37. For young people, ping pong has always been a wholesome and leisurely activity, even to watch.

I'm sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. I mean we've all been to college.

I’m sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. Let’s just say that it would basically lighten the mood in this joint.

38. On this edition of Stupid Pet Tricks we have two poodles named Twinkle Star and Super Star performing a rendition of their own, “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp.”

Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be "a celebrity that blows his own trumpet."

Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be “a celebrity that blows his own trumpet.”

39. Ladies and gentlemen, may introduce Paul Bunyan: Lumberjack and axe murderer.

I'm sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women's clothing and hanged around in bars.

I’m sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women’s clothing and hanged around in bars.

40. Out of all the Christian postcards I’ve seen, at least this one makes a valid point about the nuclear arms race.

Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.

Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.

41. Of course, this bikini beauty seems to use flowers to cover her boobs.

Once again, having those flowers on can't be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they're taped. Still, I can't believe they could get away with this in those days.

Once again, having those flowers on can’t be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they’re taped. Still, I can’t believe they could get away with this in those days.

42. Sorry, I’m afraid Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming couldn’t come to save her from a long slumber so he sent his younger brother Ed to do the honor.

While Prince Ed wasn't a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in an abnormally tall head.

While Prince Ed wasn’t a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in a freakishly tall head.

43. This chimp seems to be having more fun than a barrel of people.

Then again, whenever I've seen people in barrels on TV it's more or less to say that they've been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered.

Then again, whenever I’ve seen people in barrels on TV it’s more or less to say that they’ve been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered. Still, chimps must use big barrels or something.

44. Come to our South of the Border restaurant and see our statue depicting negative Mexican stereotypes.

I'm sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.

I’m sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.

45. Hey, I didn’t know they had Hairspray back in the day.

Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I'm sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.

Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I’m sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.

46. Florida is a great place to have a picnic, underwater.

Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank.

Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank but at least she has a device to breathe through. Yet, I don’t know how she keeps her hair nice like that.

47. See flipper jump through a burning ring of fire.

I'm sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.

I’m sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.

48. Now here’s a black bear scavenging for food in its natural habitat, kids, so don’t feed it.

I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever's in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there's the person taking the picture.

I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever’s in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there’s the person taking the picture.

49. Here is a wax reenactment of Leif Ericson landing in North America.

Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn't wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif's hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.

Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif’s hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.

50. You know who loves Lawrence Welk? Bitches love Lawrence Welk.

I'm sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.

I’m sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.

51. Now here is a statue of Adolph the dolphin.

Actually when I hear the name "Adolph," I don't think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war.

Actually when I hear the name “Adolph,” I don’t think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war. Also, the dolphin kind of looks pretty mean.

52. While you see Florida beaches as a vacation spot, alligators see them as an all you can eat buffet.

Wait a minute, alligators don't live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater  swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.

Wait a minute, alligators don’t live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.

53. Please pray for the Nelsons in Ghana.

And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it's nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!

And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it’s nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!

54. Dig those Los Angeles Freeways.

Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you'll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don't want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.

Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you’ll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don’t want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.

55. Sorry not to see you in Sunday school so come next time, or we’ll murder you.

I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.

I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.

56. Greetings, from that sleazy motel where your father’s staying after he left your mother for his cheap ass secretary Karen.

I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of "no-tell, motel" vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.

I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of “no-tell, motel” vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.

57. Now introducing the Martha Stewart rotary dial telephones available in eight different colors.

Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.

Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.

58. Men, make sure to wear a Botany 500 suit for your next one night stand.

I'm sure "come on strong" and "go all the way" don't seem to be taken out of context especially since he's seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they're about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.

I’m sure “come on strong” and “go all the way” don’t seem to be taken out of context especially since he’s seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they’re about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.

59. The Invisible Woman goes back home to her family in Texas.

I'm sure the Invisible woman isn't showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.

I’m sure the Invisible woman isn’t showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.

60. Watermelon always taste great underwater.

Of course, when she's on dry land, it's going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.

Of course, when she’s on dry land, it’s going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.

61. Who knew that you can go hang gliding and water skiing at the same time?

Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he's not wearing a speedo.

Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he’s not wearing a speedo.

62. Now this dog seems to be all dressed up and ready to go.

I'm sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won't even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don't need clothes.

I’m sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won’t even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don’t need clothes.

63. Greetings, from the City of Rocks.

The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn't He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won't make your visit unforgettable.

The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won’t make your visit unforgettable.

64. All a girl needs is her enormous beach ball and her trampoline.

I'm sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it's probably photoshop.

I’m sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it’s probably photoshop.

65. Looks like this guy has a knack for shooting mink and foxes for fur coats.

PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.

PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.

66. “Hey, kids, looks like we need to eat and we’re out of gas, which way should we go?”

Still, I'm sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there's a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.

Still, I’m sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there’s a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.

67. Come spend a week in paradise at the North Pole Motel.

I'm sure you're not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.

I’m sure you’re not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.

68. Aww, look at that cute chimp in the, why wait a second? I don’t think the Indians will be too thrilled about this little ape mocking their traditions.

Let's just hope this little ape isn't a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it's not in African dress, which would've been more offensive.

Let’s just hope this little ape isn’t a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it’s not in African dress, which would’ve been more offensive.

69. Well, when I don’t put in a blog post for a few days, I kind of feel the same way.

Of course, I'm sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I've shown in which the bare butt display is intentional.

Of course, I’m sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I’ve shown in which the bare butt display is intentional. Still, that baby doesn’t seem up to no good.

70. If you’re the parish priest, why don’t you celebrate Mass with style wearing these top of the line vestments in the latest fashions?

I'm sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.

I’m sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 5 – Mae Coughlin Capone to Owney Madden

boardwalk-empire-gambling

As I may have said before, before states in the Mid Atlantic started to legalize gambling and build casinos of their own in recent times, Atlantic City was renown as the Las Vegas of the Eastern Seaboard before Las Vegas with its share of casinos and gambling establishments. It was also the city that served as a model for the Parker Brothers’ game of Monopoly but that will come out during the Great Depression but it’s no coincidence why some of the areas in that city seem to remind you of it. Nevertheless, Atlantic City also began the Miss America beauty pageant which started as a way to get more tourists to their resort boom town, but has become a national beauty contest owned by Donald Trump (and whatever he has on his hair). Still, during Prohibition, it was famous for ignoring Prohibition thanks to the efforts of one Nucky Johnson who’s the inspiration for the Steve Buscemi character on Boardwalk Empire. Yet, we’ve come to the final installment but we still have more people to go over. In this final selection, we’ll look at some historical wives to famous figures like Mae Capone, First Lady Florence Harding, and Katherine Bader. We’ll also meet Al Capone’s mother Theresina and Warren G. Harding’s alleged daughter Elizabeth Ann Blaesing. Yet, we’ll also see investigators William Frank and Eliot Ness as well as Nucky Johnson’s servant Louis Kessel. And then we have famous horse trainer Max Hirsch, boxing manager Jack “Doc” Kearns, and possible Billie Kent inspiration Dorothy “Dot” King. Finally, we’ll meet gangsters Salvatore Maranzano and Owney Madden. So without further adieu, enjoy this final installment of the real people seen from Boardwalk Empire.

53. Mae Coughlin Capone (1897-1986)

Mae Capone was Al Capone's beautiful wife and mother to his son. Yet, since she was a private person, there's very little else that's known about her. Still, Al knew how to pick em' didn't he?

Mae Capone was Al Capone’s beautiful wife and mother to his son. Yet, since she was a private person, there’s very little else that’s known about her. Still, Al knew how to pick em’ didn’t he?

Known in Life as: Al Capone’s wife.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she was Irish.
Differences: Born in New York and married to Al since she was 21 three weeks after their son was born. Had syphilis. Was an ardent churchgoer. Stuck with Al until the end and was reputed to be beautiful. Still, despite her husband’s infamy as perhaps the most famous American gangster who ever lived, there’s surprisingly little about her.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Miami in 1986 at 89.

54. Max Hirsch (1880-1969)
Known in Life as: American Hall of Fame Thoroughbred horse trainer. One of the most successful in history. His horses gave him 3 wins in the Kentucky Derby, 2 wins in the Preakness Stakes, and 4 wins in the Belmont Stakes. Also, trained the 1946 Triple Crown winner Bold Venture.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he did condition horses for various clients but I’m not sure if Rothstein was one of them.
Differences: Born in Texas and spent his early years as a groom and jockey at the Morris Ranch. Married with at least one son named Buddy who also followed in his footsteps.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Long Island, New York in 1969 at 88.

55. Florence Harding (1860-1924)

Though we're not sure whether she was called

Though we’re not sure whether she was called “Flossie” we’re pretty sure that if Florence Harding ever had anything to do with her husband’s death it had more to do with trusting the wrong doctor than anything. I mean you shouldn’t trust homeopaths for their pseudoscientific quacks.

Known in Life as: Wife of President Warren G. Harding and First Lady of the United States from 1921-1923. Known as the brains behind her husband’s newspaper business, called “The Duchess,” and was said to give notably elegant parties.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she had gray hair and glasses. Also actually consulted a fortune teller who said that her husband would become President but die in office.
Differences: Was married twice and had a son with her first husband who she divorced on grounds for gross neglect. May or may not have been called “Flossie.” Once studied to be a concert pianist and worked as a piano teacher. Helped Warren run his newspaper business where she organized circulation, improved distribution, trained newsboys, purchased equipment at keen prices, and installed the first local wire service. She also managed her husband’s finances, social life, and public image. Said to have a strong influence in Warren’s administration and held outspoken political views. Her great cause was championing the welfare of war veterans and served alcohol to guests. Though alleged by Gaston Means that she killed her husband, it’s highly unlikely though she did destroy many of his papers.
Ultimate Fate: Died of renal failure after her last public appearance on Veteran’s Day in 1924. She was 64.

56. Teresina Raiola Capone (1867-1952)

Theresina Capone with her grandson Albert Francis. I guess while she didn't seem to like her son's gangster interests, she didn't seem to disown him.

Theresina Capone with her grandson Albert Francis. I guess while she didn’t seem to like her son’s gangster interests, she didn’t seem to disown him.

Known in Life as: Al Capone’s mother.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she’s Italian though I’m not sure if she went to Chicago.
Differences: Born in Naples and was a seamstress before marrying barber Gabriel Capone. Had 10 children. Came to the US in 1893.
Ultimate Fate: Died in 1952 at 85.

57. Katherine Holvick Bader (1878-1969)
Known in Life as: Edward L. Bader’s wife.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she did attend dinners with her husband.
Differences: Married with 4 kids. Still, there’s really not much about her.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Atlantic City in 1969 at 91.

58. Jack “Doc” Kearns (1882-1963)

Jack

Jack “Doc” Kearns was a world renown boxing manager most famous for overseeing the career of Jack Dempsey. Still, there may be details in his autobiography that might be rather sketchy.

Known in Life as: World renowned boxing trainer and manager for Jack Dempsey during the 1920s. Also trained Mickey Walker, Joe Maxim, and Archie Moore.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Trained Jack Dempsey around the time of his upcoming fight against Georges Carpentier. May have been corrupt.
Differences: Hailed from the state of Washington and wrote his autobiography called The Million Dollar Gate that was published posthumously in 1966. Quit school at 14 and stowed away on a freighter to Alaska to stake a claim in the Klondike Gold Rush. Said he worked as a dognapper and helped smuggle Chinese laborers. Was a boxer himself in 1900 and said to take part in 60 bouts. Operated a boxing club and bar in Spokane for a time. Remained an active fight manager until his death.
Ultimate Fate: Died in 1963 at 81.

59. Salvatore Maranzano (1886-1931)

Salvatore Maranzano may look rather sharp but this is perhaps the only picture I could find him alive. Other photos depict him as brutally shot up and they're not pretty. Still, let's just say he'd start a gang war and be killed by Luciano.

Salvatore Maranzano may look rather sharp but this is perhaps the only picture I could find him alive. Other photos depict him as brutally shot up and they’re not pretty. Still, let’s just say he’d start a gang war and be killed by Luciano.

Known in Life as: Early Costa Nostra boss in the US who instigated the Castellammarese War to seize control of American Mafia operations and briefly became the Mafia’s “Bosses of Bosses.”
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was in direct competition with Masseria.
Differences: Born in Italy and once studied to be a priest yet immigrated to Brooklyn in 1919 on a Sicilian mob boss’ orders. Had a commanding presence as well as greatly respected his underworld peers. Was fascinated with Julius Caesar and the Roman Empire as well as loved discussing these subjects with his less-educated American counterparts. Though he was a legitimate real estate broker, he also had businesses in bootlegging, prostitution, and illegal narcotics smuggling. Divided his organization into squads with each soldier pledging loyalty to his squad leader.
Ultimate Fate: Shot and stabbed by 4 hitmen posing as accountants in New York on Luciano’s orders in 1931. Still, he already hired someone to kill Luciano. After his murder, Luciano abolished the “Boss of Bosses” title and his organization would become the Bonnano Crime Family since it was given to Joseph Bonnano.

60. William Frank
Known in Life as: A lawyer who led a joint IRS and FBI task force to take down Nucky Johnson.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Nelson Van Alden which is rather loosely based.
Similarities: Well, they did lead an operation to take down a corrupt political boss making money on illegal activities.
Differences: His operation to take Nucky Johnson down wasn’t until 1936, which was 3 years after Prohibition. Also, he probably wasn’t a religious fanatic (if so, then he perhaps wasn’t as batshit crazy as Van Alden) and was rather successful at getting his man.
Ultimate Fate: Don’t really know what happened to him.

61. Eliot Ness (1903-1957)

I think Eliot Ness is one of the more overrated people in history mainly because his actions during Prohibition make a rather good story despite that he didn't take down Al Capone. Also, he was a womanizer and a drunk.

I think Eliot Ness is one of the more overrated people in history mainly because his actions during Prohibition make a rather good story despite that he didn’t take down Al Capone. Also, he was a womanizer and a drunk.

Known in Life as: American Prohibition agent famous for his efforts to enforce the 18th Amendment in Chicago as well as leader of a legendary team of law enforcement agents known as the Untouchables (and no, they didn’t take down Al Capone. IRS agent Frank J. Wilson did).
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he did publicly declare he’d take down Al Capone while still a Chicago Treasury agent (he didn’t in real life).
Differences: Born to Norwegian immigrants and attended the University of Chicago where he served as a member in Sigma Alpha Epsilon and graduated with an economics degree in 1925. Career as investigator began for the Retail Credit Company of Atlanta. Returned to college to earn a master’s degree in criminology. With his Untouchables, he staged raids against illegal stills and breweries and was said to have seized such facilities worth as much as a million bucks. Also used wiretapping. Had a close friend killed and survived assassination attempts. Was a womanizing drunk. Had one adopted son and was married 3 times (divorced twice).
Ultimate Fate: After Prohibition, his later years as a law enforcer would come to an end in the 1930s and his latter life consisted of two divorces, business failures, and alcoholism. Died of a heart attack in Coudersport, Pennsylvania at 54. ATF building is named after him.

62. Louis Kessel (1888-1944)

Louis Kessel was the inspiration for Boardwalk Empire's Eddie Kessler. A former cab driver, he worked as Nucky Johnson's valet, driver, and bodyguard and was called by his boss,

Louis Kessel was the inspiration for Boardwalk Empire’s Eddie Kessler. A former cab driver, he worked as Nucky Johnson’s valet, driver, and bodyguard and was called by his boss, “the most loyal man I ever knew.” If there was one thing, Nucky Johnson regretted in his life, it was not attending Kessel’s funeral (due to being incarcerated for tax evasion).

Known in Life as: Former cab driver and personal servant to Nucky Johnson at his Ritz-Carlton residence in Atlantic City. Johnson called him, “the most loyal man I ever knew.”
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Eddie Kessler.
Similarities: Well, he was German (despite being born in Russia). Also served as chauffer and bodyguard, too.
Differences: Born in Russia and was 42 in 1920. Was of stockier build than Anthony Laicura but had a similar appearance otherwise. Smoked a pipe. Stood 5’5” and weighed 260 lbs. Before he became a cab driver he was a wrestler and bartender. Could easily break down a door. Woke his boss every day at 3:00 pm and gave him a vigorous massage with wintergreen oil, answered his calls, and prepared him of the day. Was arrested in a prostitution sting. Had a wife and kids though (his granddaughter is still alive). Visited his boss in prison a few times a week with Johnson’s second wife Florence.
Ultimate Fate: Died in a broadsided limo accident during a drive to Lewisburg, Pennsylvania to see his incarcerated boss. He was 56. Nucky Johnson was upset that he couldn’t go to the funeral, and not being there haunted him for decades. Still, his boss would write a moving tribute for him.

63. Elizabeth Ann Blaesing (1919-2005)

Young Elizabeth Blaesing with her mother Nan Britton. Though alleged to be Warren G. Harding's daughter, I don't think she bears any resemblance to the President. Still, Harding was known to be philanderer but might've been sterile.

Young Elizabeth Blaesing with her mother Nan Britton. Though alleged to be Warren G. Harding’s daughter, I don’t think she bears any resemblance to the President. Still, Harding was known to be philanderer but might’ve been sterile.

Known in Life as: Alleged daughter of Warren Harding by alleged mistress Nan Britton. Her claims were never conclusively proven.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show though she won’t be known by her surname Blaesing until after she was married. Yet, since we don’t know who her father is and went by different surnames prior to her marriage, we’ll just use her maiden name.
Similarities: Well, she was definitely Nan Britton’s daughter. And Warren G. Harding’s according to DNA tests.
Differences: Born in New Jersey and lived in multiple states. Married and had at least one son. Said that Warren G. Harding was her father but has refused interviews or a DNA test (not anymore).
Ultimate Fate: Died in Oregon in 2005. She was 86.

64. Dorothy “Dot” King (1896-1923)

Dorothy

Dorothy “Dot” King was a former showgirl, model, and actress who was famously found murdered in her New York apartment in a building owned by Arnold Rothstein. Still, compared to Billie Kent, she was no saint.

Known in Life as: Ziegfield Follies chorus showgirl who lived in an apartment owned by Arnold Rothstein found famously murdered in 1923.
Character or Inspiration? Likely inspiration for Billie Kent though rather loosely.
Similarities: Well, they do have a similar taste in certain infamous men like sugar daddies, playboys, top-hatted stage-door Johnnies, and Just Plain Gigolo. Both were said to have diamonds, furs, and a bachelor girl apartment in New York.
Differences: Daughter of Irish immigrants. She wasn’t the loyal mistress Billie was to Nucky on the show (who had a sugar daddy but also a Puerto Rican con man lover) and was actually in her late 20s. Also wasn’t blown up in a nightclub. Was married once to a chauffeur but he divorced her after catching her cheating on him. Appeared in only one Broadway production for 105 performances in 1920 and worked in modeling. Yet, left both to make a living as an honest to goodness vamp who had affairs with string of wealthy and powerful men.
Ultimate Fate: Murdered in her yellow silk pajamas in her New York City apartment in 1923. She was 27. Some of her jewelry was missing from the scene as well. Killing remains unsolved and no one was tried.

65. Owney Madden (1891-1965)

Owney Madden may not look like much and may have spoken in a Yorkshire accent like you hear on Downton Abbey. Yet, he was a notorious gangster who had future movie star George Raft as his personal driver (yes, that George Raft if you know who he was. Well, if you don't, he's the head gangster in Some Like It Hot, which you should watch).

Owney Madden may not look like much and may have spoken in a Yorkshire accent like you hear on Downton Abbey. Yet, he was a notorious gangster who had future movie star George Raft as his personal driver (yes, that George Raft if you know who he was. Well, if you don’t, he’s the head gangster in Some Like It Hot, which you should watch).

Known in Life as: Leading underworld figure during Prohibition in New York, most notable for his involvement in organized crime, running the famous Cotton Club, and being a leading boxing promoter in the 1930s.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Spoke in a Northern English accent.
Differences: Born in England to Irish parents. Came to US in early 1900s and was a member of New York’s Gopher Gang where he got a notorious reputation as a fighter and killer. Lead pipe and gun were his signature weapons. Enjoyed an opulent lifestyle and was often accompanied by several women. Yet was known for his violent jealousy and shot a store clerk who asked one of his girls out while boarding a trolley. Despite several witnesses, the case was dismissed. Yet, was eventually sent to Sing Sing for 20 years for his violent behavior but only served 9. Found the Gopher Gang broke up at his 1923 release so went to be a muscle for a friend’s cab business and started running Canadian whiskey to New York. Onetime personal driver would be future movie star George Raft (I’m not making this up).
Ultimate Fate: After being responsible for the killing of Vincent “Mad Dog” Coll and being arrested for a parole violation in 1932, he would soon leave New York in 1935. Settled in Hot Springs, Arkansas where he opened the Southern Club where Luciano was arrested as well as became involved with other criminal activities like illegal gambling. Became a US citizen in 1943 and married the city postmaster’s daughter. Gave up his British passport when threatened with deportation in the 1950s. Died of emphysema in 1965 at 73.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 4 – Nan Britton to Richard “Peg Leg” Lonergan

IF

Vaudeville was one of the dominant forms of variety show entertainment from the 1880s to the early 1930s, which was very popular in the United States and Canada during the 1920s. A typical performance was made up of a series of unrelated acts groups together on a common bill. Acts could consist of popular and classical musicians, singers, dancers, comedians, trained animals, magicians, male and female drag shows, acrobats, illustrated songs, jugglers, one-act scenes from plays, athletes, lecturing celebrities, minstrels (hopefully not to a black audience), and even movies. This kind of entertainment developed from many sources including the concert saloon, minstrelsy (unfortunately), freak shows, dime museums, and literary American burlesque. It’s no wonder it’s called “the heart of American show business,” since it brought us people like Charlie Chaplin, Cary Grant, the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges, Eddie Cantor, Buster Keaton, Mae West, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Abbot and Costello, Bob Hope, Judy Garland, Sammy Davis Jr., Jack Benny, and George Burns. Still, it’s a dominant form of entertainment in Boardwalk Empire filled with many showgirls that all the gangsters can screw. Nevertheless, in this selection, we’ll meet political figures like President Warren G. Harding, Irish revolutionary and politician Eamon De Valera, New Jersey Governor Edward I. Edwards, and Atlantic City Mayor Harry Bacharach. We’ll also be introduced to Al Capone’s son Albert Francis, alleged Harding mistress Nan Britton, Arnold Rothstein’s wife Carolyn, ragtime composer James Scott, and famous criminal defense lawyer William J. Fallon. And of course, Boardwalk Empire won’t be without the gangsters in which we have in this selection Big Jim Colosimo (the mustachioned guy who was killed in the pilot), Chicago Outfit adviser and Capone Associate Jake Guzik, as well as White Hand leaders “Wild Bill” Lovett and “Peg Leg” Lonergan. So without further adieu, here are some more real life historical figures from the world of the Emmy-winning Boardwalk Empire.

40. Nan Britton (1896-1991)

Nan Britton may or may not have been Warren Harding's babymama but she did cause a sensation with her 1927 book alleging that. Still, I wonder how she got the fur stole.

Nan Britton may or may not have been Warren Harding’s babymama but she did cause a sensation with her 1927 book alleging that. Still, I wonder how she got the fur stole.

Known in Life as: Associated with the Warren G. Harding Presidency because she publicly claimed in a tell-all book in 1928 that Harding had fathered her illegitimate daughter shortly before his election as president in 1920.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was infatuated with Harding since she was a teenager and before he started his political career (who was a friend of her dad). Also, had his love child according to DNA evidence.
Differences: Was about 24 in 1920 and worked as a secretary in New York City. Had her daughter in 1919. Also, despite that she claimed that Harding fathered her daughter, Elizabeth Ann, there’s little concrete evidence that an affair between them ever took place and might’ve just existed in her head (save maybe an occasional hook up prior to his presidency). If so, then we’re sure that Harding wasn’t her baby daddy because he was said to be sterile (though DNA evidence has rebuked this). Also wasn’t hidden away until the 1920 election to avoid political scandal because that honor went to a woman who was Harding’s mistress but for very different reasons.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Oregon of natural causes in 1991 at 94.

41. Eamon De Valera (1882-1975)

John McGarrigle may not be a surrogate for Eamon De Valera but he did share a lot of his personality and wore glasses. Nevertheless, Valera would be a dominant figure in Ireland during the 20th century until his death in 1975.

John McGarrigle may not be a surrogate for Eamon De Valera but he did share a lot of his personality and wore glasses. Nevertheless, Valera would be a dominant figure in Ireland during the 20th century until his death in 1975.

Known in Life as: One of the dominant figures of early 20th century Ireland whose political career spanned from 1917-1973 with roles from revolutionary to several terms as head of state and government. Led the introduction of the Constitution of Ireland. Was in Sinn Fein and founded Fianna Fail. Political creed evolved from militant republicanism to cultural conservatism.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for John McGarrigle (though not necessarily a stand-in but close).
Similarities: Well, they had similar appearances and personality. Both fund-raised for the IRA in the US.
Differences: Born in New York to a Cuban father. Was a devout Catholic man who once considered becoming a priest yet might’ve prevented doing so because of his possible illegitimate birth (out of wedlock children couldn’t enter into the secular or diocesan priesthood at the time, though he could’ve been a priest of a religious order {like Erasmus}. Still, his half-brother was a priest though). Happily married for 65 years and fathered 7 kids. Was a math professor before getting involved in Irish politics. Was never assassinated unlike McGarrigle.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Dublin of natural causes in 1975 at 92. Body lay in Dublin Castle and was given a full funeral at St. Mary Pro-Cathedral, which was broadcast on national television.

42. Warren G. Harding (1865-1923)

Warren G. Harding did make a dandy looking president in the early 1920s. Too bad that he was a horrible judge of character that Teapot Dome happened.

Warren G. Harding did make a dandy looking president in the early 1920s. Too bad that he was a horrible judge of character that Teapot Dome happened.

Known in Life as: 29th President of the United States from 1921-1923. Republican from Ohio who served in the state and US Senate but was nominated on the ballot for being an inoffensive compromise candidate and used advertising experts to publicize his presidential appearance and conservative promises like “a return to normalcy,” an end to violence and radicalism, a strong economy, and independence from European intrigues. Though appointed great minds in his cabinet like Andrew Mellon for Treasury, Herbert Hoover for Commerce, and Charles Evans Hughes for State, he also rewarded friends and contributors with powerful positions who were known as the Ohio Gang. Presidency was famous for multiple cases of corruption exposed both during and after his death, including the notorious Teapot Dome scandal which was “greatest and most sensational scandal in the history of American politics” before Watergate. Seen as one of the worst US Presidents, despite setting up what would eventually become the Department of Veterans’ Affairs.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was a womanizer and frequently cheated on his wife. Had to have a mistress hidden away during his 1920 presidential campaign. And had a love child out of wedlock to Nan Britton according to DNA evidence. But both these things didn’t apply to the same woman.
Differences: Born and spent most of his life in Ohio as well as owned a newspaper. Actual mistress who was to be hidden away wasn’t Nan Britton, but his mistress of 15 years Carrie Fulton Phillips (who he certainly did have an affair with since there are 1,000 pages of intimate letters between them which may be available online), a wife of a department store owner and a close friend. Yet, she was hidden away due to her vocal support for Germany during WWI and was deliberately blackmailed by the Republican Party with an all-expense paid vacation to East Asia. Also said to be linked to two of his wife’s friends named Susan Hodder and Grace Cross. Heavy drinker and gambler. Still, wasn’t as much a crook and more like a bad judge of character.
Ultimate Fate: Died in office under mysterious circumstances in San Francisco in 1923 at 58 (Mrs. Harding refused an autopsy. Still, even if Flossie didn’t poison her husband {and it’s highly unlikely she did}, we’re not sure what killed him. He was officially said to succumb to apoplexy and recently had a heart attack as well as food poisoning {from seafood} that led to pneumonia in Alaska but it may have been stroke, congestive heart failure, food poisoning, or heart attack. It’s also widely believed that Harding might’ve been a victim of medical malpractice since the doctor treating him when he died was a homeopath {a field of medicine that’s now considered a pseudoscience}.)

43. James “Big Jim” Colosimo (1878-1920)

Big Jim Colosimo with his lawyer. Notice that he used to wear that white suit to lure women into his prostitution cathouses. Still, you probably remember him for getting killed in the Boardwalk Empire pilot.

Big Jim Colosimo with his lawyer. Notice that he used to wear that white suit to lure women into his prostitution cathouses. Still, you probably remember him for getting killed in the Boardwalk Empire pilot.

Known in Life as: Italian American Mafia crime boss who built a criminal empire in Chicago based on prostitution, gambling, and racketeering. From 1902-1920 would lead a gang that would be known after his death as the Chicago Outfit.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was actually a big guy with a mustache. Refused to invest in the alcohol business when Prohibition came around. Had a restaurant and night club called Colosimo’s Café (where Al Capone would work as a bouncer). Was killed in 1920 (but in May not January as in the pilot).
Differences: Born in Italy and immigrated to Chicago in 1895. Recruited Johnny Torrio from Brooklyn and made him his second in command (this would prove to be a very big mistake). Married twice and divorced once (to Torrio’s aunt whom he deserted). Frequently dressed in a white suit as well as wore diamond pins, rings, and other jewelry.
Ultimate Fate: Shot and killed in his café in Chicago in 1920 at 42. Though Torrio is the most likely suspect responsible (who may have hired Frankie Yale to do the deed), no one was ever arrested for it.

44. Albert Francis “Sonny “Capone (1918-2004)

Sonny Capone on one of his wedding days, I think. Still, basically rebelled against his dad by going to college, getting a legitimate job, and not breaking the law.

Sonny Capone on one of his wedding days, I think. Still, basically rebelled against his dad by going to college, getting a legitimate job, and not breaking the law.

Known in Life as: Al Capone’s son.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was a kid at the time (well, he was 2 in 1920). And he did have hearing problems.
Differences: Wasn’t born deaf and only went partially deaf at age 7 (due to being born with congenital syphilis and experiencing a serious mastoid infection that required brain surgery). Went to high school with Desi Arnaz Sr. from I Love Lucy and attended the University of Miami. Married 3 times and fathered at least 4 daughters. Changed his name to Albert Francis Brown in 1966 in order to distance himself from his notorious dad.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Florida of natural causes at 85 in 2004, after a lifetime as an upstanding citizen with no mob ties (except in genetics). At least a few of his daughters are still alive.

45. Jake Guzik (1886-1956)

Yes, this is a picture of Guzik from 1946 but it was one the few good ones I could find. Still, you didn't want to beat him up or his buddy Al Capone would show his famous violent tendencies in your direction.

Yes, this is a picture of Guzik from 1946 but it was one the few good ones I could find. Still, you didn’t want to beat him up or his buddy Al Capone would show his famous violent tendencies in your direction.

Known in Life as: Jewish American financial and legal advisor as well as political “greaser” for the Chicago Outfit. Had a great relationship with Al Capone.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was involved in prostitution and protected by Al Capone (hurting him was a quick way to get Al to practically murder you).
Differences: Born in Krakow, Poland and came to the US in the early 20th century. Was incapable of using a gun or killing anyone. Served as principal bagman in payoffs to Chicago police and politicians. Capone actually came to trust and rely on his advice as well as told him to make sure his wife and kid were provided for when his health failed.
Ultimate Fate: He would also go on to work for Paul “the Waiter” Ricca and Tony Accardo. Spent a few years in prison for tax evasion. Died of a myocardial infraction in 1956 at 69. Funeral was said to put more Italians in a synagogue than ever before in history.

46. Carolyn Greene Rothstein (1888-?)

Carolyn Rothstein wasn't too happy with her husband Arnold's life choices but she stuck with him until his 1928 murder. I mean she had to put up with his gambling, stealing, marital infidelities, and having people killed.

Carolyn Rothstein wasn’t too happy with her husband Arnold’s life choices but she stuck with him until his 1928 murder. I mean she had to put up with his gambling, stealing, marital infidelities, and having people killed. Ladies, if you want to know what it’s like being a gangster’s wife, you might want to read her book if available.

Known in Life as: Arnold Rothstein’s wife.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she was blond.
Differences: Was a New York showgirl before meeting her husband who interrogated her coworkers and friends after four dates. Was Irish Catholic (as well as half-Jewish) and married Arnold at 21 though he pawned all her jewelry for cash (he got it back after winning $12,000). Though remained married to Arnold until his murder, she didn’t like him being a New York gang boss and gambler. Also put up with his cheating, stealing, and killing.
Ultimate Fate: Wrote a book about her life with her husband after his murder called Now I’ll Tell You that was published in 1934. Well, she didn’t died rich if she survived Arnold by more than 10 years.

47. William J. Fallon (1886-1927)

William J. Fallon was a noted criminal defense attorney who has become the archetype of all sleazy lawyers everywhere. Still, you have to give him credit for him never losing a case pertaining to murder.

William J. Fallon was a noted criminal defense attorney who has become the archetype of all sleazy lawyers everywhere. Still, you have to give him credit for him never losing a case pertaining to murder.

Known in Life as: Criminal defense attorney in New York City who represented the city’s leading pimps, illegal narcotics dealers, embezzlers, and operators. Inspiration for Billy Flynn of Chicago as well as the archetype for the amoral criminal defense lawyer.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was known to defend a lot of famous morally dubious people. Also represented Arnold Rothstein.
Differences: Son of Irish immigrants. Graduated at the top of his class at Fordham University. Was in the New York State Assembly and was charged in 1924 for bribing a juror but acquitted. Called, “The Great Mouthpiece.” Said to be talented, vain, and flamboyant as well as drank a lot. Was very smart and eloquent but also immoral, dishonest, and self-indulgent. His 120 homicide defendants were never convicted. Married with two daughters. Wore exquisitely tailored suites, had the finest silk ties, and donned no shirt more than once. Yet, left his cobbler made shoes unshined.
Ultimate Fate: Died of heart disease at the Hotel Oxford in 1927 at 40.

48. William “Wild Bill” Lovett (1894-1923)

Yes, he may have an unremarkable appearance, but he's the famous White Hand leader known as Wild Bill Lovett who made money through dockside extortion as well had alcoholic rages that were the stuff of legend. Was shot up dead on Halloween night.

Yes, he may have an unremarkable appearance, but he’s the famous White Hand leader known as Wild Bill Lovett who made money through dockside extortion as well had alcoholic rages that were the stuff of legend. Was shot up dead on Halloween night.

Known in Life as: Irish American gangster in early 20th century New York.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Leader of the White Hand Gang and worked with “Peg Leg” Lonergan.
Differences: Spent his childhood as a juvenile delinquent in various gangs. Served in WWI and was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross for bravery. Though well-educated and articulate, was a temperamental alcoholic who made even his own men nervous. Took control of the waterfront rackets after the death of White Hand Gang leader Dinny Meehan (and was believed to have killed him). Income came from dockside extortion, burglary and other crimes. Survived a few assassination attempts such as a stabbing and 3 shots to the chest.
Ultimate Fate: Upon his 1923 marriage to Lonergan’s sister, he swore to give up criminal rackets and drinking. Turned power to his brother-in-law and was safe for 3 months, but was up to his old ways and his wife refused to take him back. Beaten and shot up near a store on Halloween night (most likely by Irish gangsters) after leaving a bar drunk. He was 29.

49. Edward I. Edwards (1863-1931)

Edward I. Edwards was governor of New Jersey during the early 1920s and US Senator from 1923-1929. Didn't have it so good after politics since he went broke and later killed himself. Nevertheless, he seems to be a rather distinguished man.

Edward I. Edwards was governor of New Jersey during the early 1920s and US Senator from 1923-1929. Didn’t have it so good after politics since he went broke and later killed himself. Nevertheless, he seems to be a rather distinguished man.

Known in Life as: Governor of New Jersey from 1920-1923 and US Senator from 1923-1929.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Frank Hague was one of his allies (they’d soon have a falling out).
Differences: Had dark hair even in the 1920s. Married with 2 kids. Studied law in his brother’s office and engaged in the banking and construction businesses. Went broke with the Wall Street crash of 1929 and was implicated in an election fraud scandal.
Ultimate Fate: Was diagnosed with skin cancer and shot himself in 1931. He was 67.

50. James Scott (1885-1938)

James Scott was one of the premiere African American ragtime composers in the early 20th century. A lot of his compositions were used as accompaniment in silent movies and his fortunes went in decline when talkies came around. Still, he has a rather nice hat and suit.

James Scott was one of the premiere African American ragtime composers in the early 20th century. A lot of his compositions were used as accompaniment in silent movies and his fortunes went in decline when talkies came around. Still, he has a rather nice hat and suit.

Known in Life as: African American ragtime composer. Regarded as one of the three most important composers of ragtime music along with Scott Joplin and Joseph Lamb.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Wearing a hat was a trademark of his.
Differences: Born in Missouri and son of former slaves. Worked in a music store in 1902 and wrote his first composition compilation in 1903. A lot of his pieces were used to accompany silent movies.
Ultimate Fate: After his wife died and the coming of sound in movies, his fortunes and health deteriorated. Published nothing after 1902. Died in Kansas City, Missouri in 1938 at 53.

51. Harry Bacharach (1873-1947)
Known in Life as: Mayor of Atlantic City for 6 months in 1912, from 1916-1920, and 1930-1935. Also served as city commissioner.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was mayor in 1920 but there’s not much on him.
Differences: Tried for election fraud in 1914 for the 1910 mayoral election. Had a Negro League Baseball team named after him called the Bacharach Giants. Him and brother Isaac founded the Betty Bacharach Home for Afflicted Children in honor of their mom in 1924 which cared for kids with polio.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Atlantic City in 1947 at 74.

52. Richard “Peg Leg” Lonegran (1900-1925)

Peg Leg Lonergan may have lost a leg in a trolley accident. Yet, he achieve distinction as the last boss of the White Hand Gang in New York as well as known to be a vicious street brawler and hater of Italians. Killed on Christmas 1925.

Peg Leg Lonergan may have lost a leg in a trolley accident. Yet, he achieve distinction as the last boss of the White Hand Gang in New York as well as known to be a vicious street brawler and hater of Italians. Killed on Christmas 1925.

Known in Life as: Irish American gangster, labor racketeer, and final leader of the White Hand Gang. Led a 2 year campaign against Frankie Yale over the New York waterfront.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Associated with the White Hand Gang and friend of Bill Lovett.
Differences: Was one 15 kids and son of a prizefighter and bare knuckle boxer named John Lonergan. Lost his right leg in a trolley car incident. Childhood friend of Bill Lovett. Believed to have been involved in at least a dozen murders during his career as well as had a reputation as a vicious street brawler. Said to hate Italians
Ultimate Fate: He and his 5 lieutenants were killed in South Brooklyn during a Christmas Day celebration at the Adonis Social Club in 1925. He was 25. Murder has been attributed to Capone but remains unsolved. White Hand Gang disappeared from the New York waterfront which allowed Frankie Yale and eventually the Five Families to take control.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 3 – Henry Earl J. “Hymie” Weiss to Santo Trafficante Sr.

Boardwalk-Empire-Promotional-Poster-boardwalk-empire-16631443-460-647

Though once seen as the Las Vegas of the East Coast before Vegas, Atlantic City, New Jersey was also known for its beaches as well as King Neptune which is a cultural icon of the area. Of course, as someone well versed in Greek mythology, I just known him by Poseidon. Still, he was featured in an episode of Boardwalk Empire when the whiskey swept ashore but he ended up having to cut his speech short and heading to the waters to get some. Still, if Atlantic City is hurting because of other states legalizing gambling, it can sure benefit from its beaches. Nevertheless, in this selection, we’ll look at famous gangsters like Hymie Weiss, Mickey Duffy, the Lanzetta brothers, and Santo Trafficante Sr. We’ll also get to know public officials like New Jersey politician Walter E. Edge, Harding era aide who killed himself Jesse Smith, and Jersey City Mayor and Democratic political boss Frank Hague. We’ll get to boxer and heavyweight champion  sensation Jack Dempsey and renown rum runner Bill McCoy. Finally, we’ll meet some entertainers who may have a minor role but were major figures like actress and singer Edith Day, African American blues and jazz singer the Queen of Blues Mamie Smith, the musical comedic Sophie Tucker, and the magician and escape artist Theodore Hardeen best known as Harry Houdini’s younger brother. So without further adieu, let me introduce to you some real historical figures from Emmy winning HBO series Boardwalk Empire.

27. Henry Earl J. “Hymie” Weiss (1898-1926)

Not a bad looking guy here despite having the nickname of "Hymie." Still, was said to be no guy to mess with since he shot his own brother, threatened photographers, and chased after US marshals as well as sued the police over stolen shirts. Won't be North Side Gang leader for long though.

Not a bad looking guy here despite having the nickname of “Hymie.” Still, was said to be no guy to mess with since he shot his own brother, threatened photographers, and chased after US marshals as well as sued the police over stolen shirts. Won’t be North Side Gang leader for long though.

Known in Life as: American mob boss who became leader of the North Side Gang and a bitter rival of Al Capone.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he’s an associate and close friend to Dean O’Banion (they knew each other as kids). Also, would take over the North Side Gang after O’Banion’s death.
Differences: Born in Poland and always carried a rosary and Bible with him to remind everyone he was Catholic despite the Jewish sounding name. Brother said he once saw him in 20 years “when he shot me.” When photographers tried to take his picture, he’d glare at them and say in a low voice, “You take a picture of me and I’ll kill you.” Once chased away a US marshal at gun point who came to arrest a friend for a Mann Act violation at a party he attended. After the marshal returned with reinforcements, arrested the friend, and confiscated a bunch of booze and weapons, Weiss would file a lawsuit to recover some silk shirts and socks he claimed the marshals had stolen. It came to nothing.
Ultimate Fate: Unfortunately, he wasn’t head of the North Side Gang for long. Was killed at O’Banion’s old flower shop in 1926 by two gunmen wielding submachine guns. He was 28.

28. Mickey Duffy (1888-1931)

Does Mickey Duffy always that glum or did he just not like getting his picture taken? Still, didn't have as much as Mickey Doyle does on Boardwalk Empire.

Does Mickey Duffy always that glum or did he just not like getting his picture taken? Still, didn’t have as much as Mickey Doyle does on Boardwalk Empire.

Known in Life as: Polish American gangster and rival Max “Boo Hoo” Huff during Prohibition. Was one of the most powerful beer bootleggers in Philadelphia.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Mickey Doyle.
Similarities: Well, both were born Polish with the name Cusick (or Kuzik) yet changed to Irish sounding names (but while Duffy did it to fit in with Irish gangs in Philly and married an Irish girl, Doyle just thought the name sounded better).
Differences: Was a criminal from the time he was a child and had served time in prison in 1919 for assault and battery with intent to kill for 3 years. Got into organized crime and smuggling during Prohibition. Was one of the most dominant bootleggers in the Delaware Valley in the early 1920s with breweries in Philadelphia, Camden, and South Jersey. Despite being engaged in fights with his rivals, he owned several clubs and ran bootlegging numbers at the old Ritz-Carlton hotel. Was shot 3 times with a Thompson submachine gun and survived. Wasn’t as much of an idiot as Doyle nor as lucky either.
Ultimate Fate: Shot to death by unknown assailants at Atlantic City’s Ambassador Hotel in 1931. He was 31. The murder remains unsolved to this day. Thousands try to come to his funeral but were blocked by police.

29. Walter E. Edge (1873-1956)

Despite how he's depicted on Boardwalk Empire, Walter Edge wasn't an old man in the early 1920s and actually wore glasses. And no, he didn't have a construction business, he was a media guy.

Despite how he’s depicted on Boardwalk Empire, Walter Edge wasn’t an old man in the early 1920s and actually wore glasses. And no, he didn’t have a construction business, he was a media guy.

Known in Life as: New Jersey US Senator from 1921-1929 as well as governor from 1917-1919 and 1944-1947. Also served as US Ambassador to France from 1929-1933.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Campaign manager’s name was Nucky whose relationship with him would soon sour (in real life they openly broke in 1928 though). Also was on a possible shortlist to be Warren Harding’s VP (though he lost out due to a Republican Party leader holding a grudge against him because Edge wouldn’t appoint his guy to be county prosecutor).
Differences: Wore glasses and was never in the construction business but in media and publishing. Was only 47 in 1920. Education was in a 2 room school house and went only as far as 8th grade. Started a weekly newspaper devoted to social news when he was 10 which had a circulation of 100. Owned his own advertising business in Atlantic City when he was 17 which became a multi-million dollar agency with offices in numerous US and European cities. Founded two newspapers and bought another. Helped get worker’s compensation in New Jersey. As governor obtained legislation consolidating state boards, improving the civil service, imposing a franchise tax on public utilities, allowing greater home rule for cities, reforming corporation law, and improving state institutions, especially the prisons. Also reorganized the state road department and authorized a few bridge constructions. Was openly anti-Prohibition. Married twice and fathered 4 kids.
Ultimate Fate: Edge would go on to be Ambassador to France as well serve another term as governor in the 1940s. His second term as governor would be marked with numerous battles against Frank Hague. He would also restructure the civil service system, incorporate an anti-discrimination agency into the education department, and create a department of economic development. Would retire from politics for good in 1947 but would spend his later years as an elder statesman of New Jersey’s Republican Party. Owned the home of Richard Stockton for a time. Died of natural causes in 1956 at 82.

30. Jesse Smith (1871-1923)

I know he's supposed to be known for being found mysteriously shot in his green house on K Street, yet I can't help but say that Jesse Smith looked like a muppet. Seriously, he reminds me of the disgruntled customer at Grover's diner but in 1920s clothes.

I know he’s supposed to be known for being found mysteriously shot in his green house on K Street, yet I can’t help but say that Jesse Smith looked like a muppet. Seriously, he reminds me of the disgruntled customer at Grover’s diner but in 1920s clothes.

Known in Life as: Member of Warren G. Harding’s Ohio Gang as well as friend and gofer of Harry Daugherty.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he’s an aide to Daugherty and wielded considerable influence in the Justice Department. His activities were said to make him become an embarrassment to Daugherty and the Harding administration. Was found dead with a gunshot wound in his home and a pistol by his side.
Differences: Though fat, he actually wore Harry Potter glasses and had a bit of a Hitler mustache. Was divorced and it’s only alleged that he sold liquor to bootleggers at his little green house on K Street. It’s said that Harding wanted Smith out of Washington before he went to Alaska while his administration was engulfed in the Teapot Dome scandal.
Ultimate Fate: Found dead at his K Street home with a gunshot wound and a pistol by his side. He was 52. Death was ruled a suicide though many authors who write about the Teapot Dome scandal and the Harding administration say he as murdered. Still, Smith’s well-timed death through gunshot wound is was during the worst of the Harding administration scandals of 1923 and the reason why he’s best remembered.

31. Theodore Hardeen (1876-1945)

Well, he sure looks like he could be Houdini's brother. Yet, Hardeen also had a good bit of talent as a magician and escape artist, tool. Also founded a union for magicians as well.

Well, he sure looks like he could be Houdini’s brother. Yet, Hardeen also had a good bit of talent as a magician and escape artist, tool. Also founded a union for magicians as well.

Known in Life as: Magician and escape artist who was the younger brother of Harry Houdini. Founder of the Magician’s Guild and first magician to escape from a submerged straitjacket in full view of the audience, rather than behind a curtain.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, when his brother was alive, he was the guy you got when you couldn’t get Houdini.
Differences: Born in Hungary. While he did study under his brother, he’s also said to have considerable talent of his own. He did many of his brother’s routines after the former’s death in 1926. Entertained the troops during World War II.
Ultimate Fate: Though he planned to write a book about his brother, he died from surgical complications in 1945 at 69.

32. Edith Day (1896-1971)

Edith Day in a film by Republic Pictures called Children Not Wanted. I suppose this is a comedy, right? Still, she was more of a musical gal if you know what I mean.

Edith Day in a film by Republic Pictures called Children Not Wanted. I suppose this is a comedy, right? Still, she was more of a musical gal if you know what I mean.

Known in Life as: Actress and singer best known for her roles in Edwardian musical comedies and operettas, first on Broadway and then on London’s West End.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Sang “Alice Blue Gown.”
Differences: Was born in Minnesota. Married 3 times and saw her only son die in WWII. Best known for the title role of Irene. Was part of the 1928 cast of Show Boat in which she did 350 performances. Has a cocktail named after her.
Ultimate Fate: Died in London in 1971 at 75.

33. Mamie Smith (1883-1946)

Mamie Smith was one of the first female African American singers to work in a recording studio. She was also called "Queen of the Blues" and ushered the careers of the female singers. Apparently Niki Minaj and Beyonce probably don't know who she was.

Mamie Smith was one of the first female African American singers to work in a recording studio. She was also called “Queen of the Blues” and ushered the careers of the female singers. Apparently Niki Minaj and Beyonce probably don’t know who she was despite owing their careers to her.

Known in Life as: African American Vaudeville singer, dancer, pianist, and actress who appeared in several films late in her career. Performed in a number of styles including jazz and blues. Was the first African American artist to make vocal blues recordings in 1920.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Sang “Crazy Blues.”
Differences: Born in Cincinnati. Was a successful blues artist as well as helped the recording industry see African Americans as a great market since they bought most of her records. Helped usher careers for other female blues artists like Bessie Smith and Billie Holiday as well as opened the music industry for other African Americans in other genres. Once billed, “Queen of the Blues.” Also performed on radio. Married to movie producer Jack Goldberg.
Ultimate Fate: Died in New York in 1946 at 63.

34. Sophie Tucker (1887-1966)

Despite being overweight, Sophie Tucker would enjoy a long career in show business entertaining generations around the world. Apparently comical risque songs never seem to go out of style. Still, you can't help but be creeped out seeing her holding flowers in this picture.

Despite being overweight, Sophie Tucker would enjoy a long career in show business entertaining generations around the world. Apparently comical risque songs never seem to go out of style. Still, you can’t help but be creeped out seeing her holding flowers in this picture.

Known in Life as: Jewish American singer, comedian, actress, and radio personality. Known for her stentorian delivery of comical and risqué songs, she was one of the most popular entertainers in the US for the first half of the 20th century. Known as “The Last of the Red Hot Mamas.”
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Sang “Some of These Days.”
Differences: Born in Russia. Married 3 times and had at least one son. Began singing at her parents’ Connecticut restaurant for tips. Before taking orders she, “would stand up in the narrow space by the door and sing with all the drama I could put into it. At the end of the last chorus, between me and the onions there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.” Would continue to sing at cafes and beer gardens until she made her first Vaudeville appearance in 1907 but in blackface. When she lost her makeup, she just performed without it, she stunned the crowd by saying, “You all can see I’m a white girl. Well, I’ll tell you something more: I’m not Southern. I’m a Jewish girl and I just learned this Southern accent doing a blackface act for two years. And now, Mr. Leader, please play my song.” Though made fun of herself for being overweight, she didn’t see anything wrong with being chunky. Performed with the Ziegfield Follies as well as for King George V. Elected present of the American Federation of Actors in 1938. Had her own radio show and made numerous guest appearances in radio and television including The Ed Sullivan Show and The Tonight Show. Was a punchline to a Beatles joke by Paul McCartney.
Ultimate Fate: Continued to perform for the rest of her life until her death from a lung ailment and kidney failure in 1966 at the age of 79. Still, she influenced a lot of female performers including May West, Joan Rivers, Roseanne Barr, Carol Channing, Ethel Merman, “Mama” Cass Elliot, and Bette Midler.

35. Jack Dempsey (1895-1983)

Jack Dempsey would win the World Heavyweight Championship title for most of the 1920s. Still, despite being a Mormon since he was 8, he married his 3 wives one at a time.

Jack Dempsey would win the World Heavyweight Championship title for most of the 1920s. Still, despite being a Mormon since he was 8, he married his 3 wives one at a time.

Known in Life as: American professional boxer and cultural icon of the 1920s. Held World Heavyweight Championship from 1919 to 1926. His aggressive style and exceptional punching power made him one of the most popular boxers in history. Had many of his fights set financial and attendance records, including the first million dollar gate.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he’s a famous boxer and his fights were frequently broadcasted on the radio.
Differences: Born in Colorado and was baptized at 8 into the LDS church with his parents in 1903. Elementary school dropout and left home at 16. Frequently traveled underneath trains and slept in hobo camps in his early years. Started his career in barroom brawls saying, “I can’t sing and I can’t dance, but I can lick any SOB in the house.” Was a part time bodyguard for John Kearns who was the son of a US Senator. Lost the World Heavyweight Championship title in 1926 to Gene Tunney coining the phrase, “Honey, I forgot to duck.” Married 3 times and had at least 3 kids.
Ultimate Fate: Retired from boxing in the 1930s and went on to other things like writing, training, and philanthropy. Assisted Joe Louis when the latter fell on hard financial times as well as made friends with former rivals Henry Wills and Gene Tunney. Was a close friend of famous Watergate judge John Sirica. Beat up a couple of muggers in 1971. Died of heart failure in New York in 1983 at 87. Influenced Bruce Lee.

36. Frank Hague (1876-1956)

Frank Hague would be Jersey City's mayor and political boss for the New Jersey Democratic Party for 30 years. Was known to be very corrupt and a chronic backstabber as well.

Frank Hague would be Jersey City’s mayor and political boss for the New Jersey Democratic Party for 30 years. Was known to be very corrupt and a chronic backstabber as well. Still, nice suit though.

Known in Life as: Mayor of Jersey City from 1917-1947 and prominent Democratic politician and political boss. Had a widely known reputation for corruption and bossism and by 1947, enjoyed palatial homes, European vacations, and a private suite in the Plaza Hotel. Said to have amassed wealth of over $10 million at the time of his death though his city salary never exceeded $8,500 annually and he had no other legitimate income. Personal influence extended to national level, especially in federal patronage and Presidential campaigns.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was well known as a chronic backstabber (even before the 1920s). Didn’t bat an eye at doing nefarious deeds with Democrats.
Differences: Born to Irish immigrants. Expelled from school at 14 for poor attendance and unacceptable behavior. Worked as a blacksmith’s apprentice and tried to be a boxer. Won his first election at 20. Pride and joy was the Jersey City Medical Center. Had a wife and son. Was seen as a reformer who wanted to reshape the corrupt Jersey City police force and spearhead crackdowns of prostitution and narcotics trafficking. Also made improvements to the city’s fire department. Had very little tolerance for those who opposed him publically. Took a lot of kickbacks but was able to avoid state and federal investigations for years. Use of voter fraud was said to be the stuff of legend.
Ultimate Fate: Retired from politics in 1947. Died at his Park Avenue duplex in New York in 1956 at 79. Though hundreds attended his funeral only a few removed their hats while passing his coffin. One woman held an American flag and a sign reading, “God have mercy on his sinful, greedy soul.”

37. William “Bill” McCoy (1877-1948)

Of course, I could only wonder what kind of booze Bill McCoy brought to the Eastern Seaboard. Let me see, Bacardi or Captain Morgan? Oh, wait, that's rum and he transported his stash from the Bahamas.

Of course, I could only wonder what kind of booze Bill McCoy brought to the Eastern Seaboard. Let me see, Bacardi or Captain Morgan? Oh, wait, that’s rum and he transported his stash from the Bahamas.

Known in Life as: American sea captain and rum runner smuggler during Prohibition. Smuggled whiskey from the Bahamas to the Eastern Seaboard.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Retired from bootlegging after a stint in jail in late 1923.
Differences: Though seen drinking on the show on numerous occasions, he was actually a teetotaler. Viewed John Hancock as a role model and called himself, “an honest lawbreaker.” Never paid a cent for organized crime, politicians, and law enforcement for protection. Born in Syracuse and had a bricklayer father who served in the Union blockade during the American Civil War. Attended the Pennsylvania Nautical School on board the USS Saratoga and graduated first in his class. Served as mate and quarter master on various steamers. Had a reputation as a skilled yacht builder. Moved to Florida in 1900 and only went into the bootlegging business because he and his brother fell on hard financial times. Also smuggled liquor from other Caribbean islands and Canada.
Ultimate Fate: After being arrested by the US Coast Guard, he spent 9 months in a New Jersey jail. Quit bootlegging upon his release and spent the rest of his life investing in Florida real estate as well as build boats and travel down the coast. He died in 1948 at 71.

38. The Lanzetta Brothers
Known in Life as: Six gangster brothers from Philadelphia during the 1920s and 1930s. Were notorious gunmen, numbers gamblers, narcotics dealers, and liquor bootleggers. Used an “Alky Cooking” supply network by providing a contingent row of house dwellers with home sills and paying them to sell saleable liquor. Criminal career was marked by frequent arrests and brutal violence.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for the D’Alessio brothers, particularly Leo and Ignacius.
Similarities: Well, both clans have brothers named Ignatius, Pius, Lucien, and Leo, who was considered the leader.
Differences: Two of the brothers were named Willie and Teo and I’m not sure if they had a brother who was a dentist anywhere. May have possibly murdered Mickey Duffy. Held out for much longer than their TV counterparts (who all die by a half-faced war vet in the first season). Leo was considered the leader since he was the oldest. Pius was “the Brain.” Ignatius was always impeccably dressed. Lucian had the explosive temper. Willie was the quiet one. And Teo, “the Baby” made women swoon because of his matinee idol good looks.
Ultimate Fate: Well, a lot of them didn’t come to good ends. Leo was killed in 1925 after leaving a barbershop in an apparent retribution of the murder of rival Joseph Bruno. Pius and Willie were killed by enemy bullets in 1936 and 1939. By 1940, Teo was serving a sentence in drug trafficking and Ignatius was released by a US Supreme Court decision declaring the New Jersey “Gangster Law” unconstitutional and might’ve joined Lucian and their mother in fleeing to Detroit.

39. Santo Trafficante Sr. (1886-1954)
Known in Life as: Sicilian born American gangster based in Florida and father of notorious mobster Santo Trafficante Jr.
Character or Inspiration? Possible inspiration for Vincenzo Petrucelli yet he hasn’t actually appeared on the show, yet.
Similarities: Both had a long time alliance and friendship with Masseria. Both were based in Florida.
Differences: Married with 5 sons. Wasn’t Masseria’s cousin, though he did send Santo Jr. to New York to learn under other mobsters. Gained power as a mobster and ruled the Mafia in Tampa from the 1930s to his 1954 death. Was a well-respected boss with ties to Luciano and Thomas Lucchese.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Tampa, Florida in 1954 at 68 and left his organization to his son who was respected under the New York bosses.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 2 – Jimmy Boyd to Frankie Yale

boardwalk-empire-babette-s-supper-club

So we’re off to a good start. Of course, there may be plenty of famous gangsters you might recognize, some you may not, and some you may think were just made up by the writers of Boardwalk Empire but weren’t. Of course, I have to open this post in this series with a poster of Babette’s Supper Club which was a real place in 1920s Atlantic City but didn’t get the name until the 1930s. Still, it’s one of the more iconic places in the Prohibition era HBO show as well as one of Nucky Thompson’s frequent hangouts with his friends, lovers, and associates. In fact, it’s his favorite restaurant. Still, in this selection, we’ll look at Atlantic City notable Jimmy Boyd who was a partial inspiration for Jimmy Darmondy but came on the scene after the 1920s. At this time, he’s just a bell boy. Yet, I’ll also introduce to you two of Al Capone’s brothers who joined him in the Chicago Outfit bootlegging business. Their names were named Ralph and Frank. Then we’ll get to know officials in government like Gaston Means (who’s a con artist), Attorney General Harry Daugherty, Treasury Secretary, banker, and Treasury notable Andrew W. Mellon, the infamous FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, and Assistant Attorney General Mabel Walker Willebrandt who’s the inspiration for Esther Randolph. We also have famous booze baron and possible inspiration for Jay Gatsby, George Remus who you remember referring to himself in 3rd person as well as the renown entertaining powerhouse Eddie Cantor you recall for telling all those stupid jokes about dumb women. Oh, yeah, almost forgot gangsters Waxey Gordon, Dean O’Banion (the mob boss with the flower shop), and Frankie Yale. So without further adieu, in this second installment, here are some more real people from Boardwalk Empire.

14. Jimmy Boyd (1906-1974)
Known in Life as: Political operative who worked closely with Nucky Johnson and Frank Farley as well as become member of the Atlantic Board of Freeholders for about 40 years as well as executive chairman of the 4th Ward Republic Club for 2 decades.
Character or Inspiration? An inspiration for Jimmy Darmondy (though maybe a bit of a stretch).
Similarities: Well, they were war veterans and have rags to riches stories. Both were married. Both did dirty work for their bosses. Yet, that’s about it.
Differences: Probably started off as a bell hop at the Ritz and worked his way up. Served in WWII. Was never a gangster nor was killed by Nucky Johnson. Certainly wasn’t the son of “the Commodore” and a teenager nor did he go to Princeton.
Ultimate Fate: Died in 1974 at 68. His widow is still alive and established a scholarship at Atlantic Cape Community College in his name.

15. Gaston Means (1879-1938)

Actually he looks quite like the guy who played him in the show. Not sure if he made Jess Smith commit suicide but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Nevertheless, he'll go to Leavenworth after he tried to pull a con during the Lindbergh kidnapping. Bastard.

Actually he looks quite like the guy who played him in the show. Not sure if he made Jess Smith commit suicide but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. Nevertheless, he’ll go to Leavenworth after he tried to pull a con during the Lindbergh kidnapping. Bastard.

Known in Life as: Private detective, salesman, bootlegger, forger, swindler, murder suspect, blackmailer, and con artist. Though not involved with the Teapot Dome scandal, was associated with other members of the so-called Ohio Gang that gathered around the Harding administration. Also tried to pull a con associated with the Lindbergh kidnapping.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Had a Southern accent. Was a con man and master manipulator you couldn’t trust. Was hired as an investigator for the FBI despite his dubious reputation as a detective. Wasn’t well liked by Harry Daugherty (but for the right reasons). Assisted bootleggers and was arrested for perjury.
Differences: May or may not have had anything to do with Jess Smith’s death. Wrote a book saying that Warren G. Harding was killed by his wife and later repudiated it.
Ultimate Fate: After trying to pull a con associated with the Lindbergh kidnapping, he was arrested, found guilty, and sentence to 15 years of prison. Died at Leavenworth in 1938 at 59.

16. Eddie Cantor (1892-1964)

Yes, this is Eddie Cantor during his younger years. No, this isn't Mr. Bean I'm sorry to say. Still, you have to love how he looks in that outfit.

Yes, this is Eddie Cantor during his younger years. No, this isn’t Mr. Bean I’m sorry to say. Still, you have to love how he looks in that outfit.

Known in Life as: Performer, comedian, dancer, singer, actor, and songwriter. Worked in vaudeville, Broadway, radio, movies, and early television.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was a well-known Vaudeville performer on stage.
Differences: Raised by his maternal grandmother (whose name was Kantrowitz but was shortened to Kanter by a clerk when he attended the Surprise Lake Camp). Though you might not know it on the show, he was a happily married man from 1914 to 1962 (to a woman named Ida Tobias who suggested he used Eddie as a stage name) and father of five daughters. Also was known to entertain the audience with his intimate stories and anecdotes of his wife and kids, sometimes to his children’s chagrin. Was president of the Screen Actors Guild in the 1930s and coined the term for “the March of Dimes” for the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis and was its spokesman for its 1938 campaign.
Ultimate Fate: Though he lost his multi-millionaire status and was left deeply in debt in the 1929 Stock Market Crash, he managed to rebuild his fortune with a new bank account and a series of highly popular bestselling humorous books with cartoons. In 1935, he, Charles Tobias and Murray Melcher would write “Merrily We Roll Along” which he recorded in the 1950s but was used as a theme song for the Merrie Melodies cartoon series for Warner Brothers between 1937 to 1964. Also had a successful career in film and television despite being turned down for The Jazz Singer. Died of a heart attack at 72 in 1964.

17. Harry Daugherty (1860-1941)

Looked much different than I thought he did. Sure he's wearing a nice 3 piece suit but he's corrupt as hell and tried to say his friend killed himself after being diagnosed with diabetes. Seems suspicious.

Looked much different than I thought he did. Sure he’s wearing a nice 3 piece suit but he’s corrupt as hell and tried to say his friend killed himself after being diagnosed with diabetes. Seems suspicious.

Known in Life as: Attorney general under Warren G. Harding and Calvin Coolidge. Was an influential official behind the election of several Congressmen and US Senators and served as Harding’s campaign manager in 1920. Instrumental for winning presidential pardons for jailed anti-war dissidents including one Eugene V. Debs. “Ohio Gang” member and may have been involved in the Teapot Dome scandal. Forced to resign as attorney general after being twice subject to US government investigations in 1924.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was massively corrupt and untrustworthy. Shared a hotel room with Jesse Smith and was close friends with him.
Differences: Let’s just say that he and Jesse Smith may have just been good friends and leave it at that. Also, was married with two kids, fat, and bald. Was about 60 in 1920.
Ultimate Fate: After indictments and his resignation, he returned to practicing law until his retirement in 1932. Wrote a book trying to clear his name pinning the Teapot Dome scandal on Albert Fall and saying that Jesse Smith killed himself because of diabetes, not a guilty conscience. He planned on writing two more. Died in his sleep in 1941 at 81 a year after he experienced two heart attacks and pneumonia that made him blind in one eye.

18. Andrew W. Mellon (1855-1937)

Now I know that Andrew Mellon exists since he's a Pittsburgh native. And the Mellon name is incredibly famous in the area with the now Bank of New York Mellon. Nevertheless, he didn't look at all like James Cromwell as you see here.

Now I know that Andrew Mellon exists since he’s a Pittsburgh native. And the Mellon name is incredibly famous in the area with the now Bank of New York Mellon. Nevertheless, he didn’t look at all like James Cromwell as you see here.

Known in Life as: Banker, businessman, industrialist, philanthropist, art collector, US Ambassador to the UK, and US Treasury Secretary under Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, and Herbert Hoover.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was Harding’s Treasury Secretary. Responsible for upholding taxes and Prohibition despite that he hated both.
Differences: Resembled nothing like James Cromwell. Had a mustache and a head full of white hair at this time period. Believed in a progressive income tax but at lower rates. We’re not sure whether he owned a distillery in the 1920s though he denied it amid rumors. Fathered two children and was divorced. Was in his 60s and early 70s during the 1920s.
Ultimate Fate: Became unpopular with the onset of the Great Depression that he was nearly impeached but resigned in 1932. Was investigated and indicted over his personal tax returns by the FDR administration though he’d later be exonerated. Died in New York in 1937 at the age of 82.

19. Waxey Gordon (1888-1952)

Let's just say that while Waxey Gordon may seem like a guy the Boardwalk Empire writers made up, he actually was a real gangster. Still, he was born Irving Wexler and the name he's best known by was made up.

Let’s just say that while Waxey Gordon may seem like a guy the Boardwalk Empire writers made up, he actually was a real gangster. Still, he was born Irving Wexler and the name he’s best known by was made up.

Known in Life as: A Jewish American crime boss in Philadelphia during Prohibition who specialized in bootlegging and illegal gambling.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was an associate of Arnold Rothstein and helped run most of his East Coast bootlegging operation.
Differences: Real name was Irving Wexler and was born in New York. Married to a rabbi’s daughter and had a son in medical school. Was a chunky dark skinned man. Started out as a pickpocket before he became a rum-runner during the early days of Prohibition. Lived an extravagant lifestyle from his multi-million dollar empire and had mansions in New York and Philadelphia.
Ultimate Fate: After Rothstein’s death in 1928, his glory days were over. Though he made alliances with future National Crime Syndicate founders Luciano, Lansky, and Louis Buchaller, his struggles with Lansky over bootlegging and gambling interests would lead to a gang war between the two as well as the deaths of several associates (the writers missed a great opportunity there). Lansky and Luciano would later supply US Attorney Thomas E. Dewey with evidence that led to his conviction of tax evasion in 1933. After his 10 year prison sentence, he found his gang disbanded, divorced, and his East Coast empire lost. Tried to start over as a single man by moving to California, selling 10,000lbs of coupon rationed sugar during WWII, and imported illegal drugs. Was busted for selling heroin to an undercover cop in 1951. He was convicted of narcotics and trafficking and sentence to 25 years. He died of a heart attack on Alcatraz in 1952 at 64.

20. Ralph “Bottles” Capone (1894-1974)

Now he doesn't seem to resemble Herc from The Wire at all who plays him on the show. Reminds me more of Al Capone if he ever became a milkman in a newspaper cap. You can see the family resemblance there.

Now he doesn’t seem to resemble Herc from The Wire at all who plays him on the show. Reminds me more of Al Capone if he ever became a milkman in a newspaper cap. You can see the family resemblance there.

Known in Life as: Chicago gangster and brother of Al Capone. Most famous for being “Public Enemy #3.”
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Got his nickname “Bottles” for running a legal bottling plant (it was for soft drinks like ginger ale as well as soda water for mixed drinks and was very profitable for the Chicago Outfit).
Differences: Was born in Italy and came to the US as a baby making him older than Al. Married three times and divorced twice. Took his son Ralph Jr. away from his wife and had his mother raise him as her youngest child. Was the dominant soft drink vendor other than Coca Cola during the 1933 World’s Fair. Had relatively little power in the Outfit and the National Crime Syndicate.
Ultimate Fate: Remained in the Outfit after his brother’s arrest as well as hosted several high-level Outfit conferences from his brother’s Palm Island, Florida residence. Managed Chicago’s Cotton Club where he was involved in syndicate gambling and vice districts. In 1932, was convicted of tax evasion and served 3 years. Purchased a home and was a silent partner in a hotel/tavern at Mercer, Wisconsin. Moved to Wisconsin after his release. Died of natural causes in Hurley, Wisconsin in 1974 at 80. His widow would marry his best friend three years later. So let’s just say that Bottles post-crime life was very good indeed.

21. Frank Capone (1895-1924)

I know this isn't much but this is the only picture I could find of Frank Capone alive. Most of the photos featured of him on Google Images show him shot up and dead. Still, probably the best looking brother in the Capone bunch as we've seen.

I know this isn’t much but this is the only picture I could find of Frank Capone alive. Most of the photos featured of him on Google Images show him shot up and dead. Still, probably the best looking brother in the Capone bunch as we’ve seen.

Known in Life as: Chicago gangster and Al Capone’s brother who participated in the attempted takeover of Cicero, Illinois for Al’s criminal organization.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Dressed in well attired clothes to project an image of a mild-mannered businessman. Was shot to death by Chicago police shooting him up on Election Day.
Differences: Older than Al but they were close. Was involved in the Five Points Gang with Johnny Torrio. Was considered more violent than his younger brother and certainly didn’t die just defending him. Actually unleashed a wave of terror during the Illinois Democratic Party that April sending Southside gang members with submachine guns and sawed-off shotguns to make sure the locals voted for Cicero city manager Joseph Z. Klenha. Those who didn’t cooperate were assaulted and blocked. Also led an attack at the opponent’s campaign headquarters ransacking the office and assaulting several campaign workers, one of whom was shot in both legs and held hostage along with 8 others until after the primary was over. CPD had to send 70 plainclothes officers over this.
Ultimate Fate: Was shot dozens of times by Chicago police during the Illinois Democratic Primary on April 1, 1924 at 28. It was considered a justifiable shooting since police said he pulled out a gun at them though some witnesses disagree. Al escaped unharmed but retaliated by murdering one official, kidnapping others, and stealing ballot boxes from the polling stations. Still Frank Capone was laid in a silver laden casket and had an extravagant funeral that costs $200,000 worth of flowers from Dean O’Banion’s florist shop as well as over 150 cars in the motorcade. Al also had gambling dens and speakeasies closed for two hours for the funeral.

22. J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972)

Sure the young FBI director was a rabid lifelong racist but damn, did he really know how to dress. Also, didn't wear women's clothes but sure knew how to wear a suit. Probably should've considered becoming a male model and save people from decades worth of pain with him in government.

Sure the young FBI director was a rabid lifelong racist but damn, did he really know how to dress. Also, didn’t wear women’s clothes but sure knew how to wear a suit. Probably should’ve considered becoming a male model and save people from decades worth of pain with him in government.

Known in Life as: First FBI director in the United States and led the bureau from 1924 to 1972. Instrumental in founding the FBI in 1935 and is credited with building it into a large crime fighting agency and with instituting a number of modernizations to police technology such as a centralized finger print file and forensic laboratories. Was a much more controversial later in life as evidence of his secret actions became known. His critics accused him of exceeding the FBI’s jurisdiction and used the organization to suppress dissidents and activists, to amass secrets on political leaders, and collect evidence using illegal methods. Amassed a great deal of power and was in a position to intimidate and threaten sitting US Presidents.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was only 29 in 1924. Was obsessed with bringing down Marcus Garvey as well as racist (remember he opposed the Civil Rights Movement and taped Martin Luther King Jr.). Instituted highly selective hiring standards and ruthlessly efficient investigation procedures that provided his organization to infiltrate and thoroughly investigate criminal empires during Prohibition.
Differences: Helped carry out the Palmer Raids in 1919 (hated liberals, too, as you know) and was appointed as director of the BoI when his boss was alleged to have been involved in the Teapot Dome scandal. Despite his racism and obsession with hunting down black civil rights leaders, he didn’t ignore organized crime (at least later on). Was noted to be rather capricious in his FBI leadership as well as frequently firing agents or singling out those who “looked stupid like truck drivers” or considered “pinheads.” He was even said to relocate agents who’ve displeased him to career-ending assignments and locations (Melvin Purvis is a good example of this). Was alleged to be gay as well as had a close lifelong friendship with Clyde Tolson (as we know it).
Ultimate Fate: Hoover will lead the FBI for a very long time serving as its director under every US President to Calvin Coolidge to Richard Nixon and will gain a lot of power and notoriety. Died from a heart attack at his Washington D. C. home in 1972 at 77 and his body lay in state at the Capitol Rotunda with Warren Burger and Richard Nixon. Still, Nixon’s appointment of L. Patrick Gray over Hoover’s No. 2 at the time Mark Felt would lead Felt to leak information to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein on the Watergate Scandal.

23. Mabel Walker Willebrant (1889-1963)

And you thought Esther Randolph was just totally made up to make the 1920s seem like a more feminist time than it was. Actually, she's based on a real Assistant Attorney General named Mabel Walker Willebrandt who actually did nail George Remus and other wrongdoers during Prohibition. Too bad she didn't get promoted to Attorney General under Herbert Hoover. Damn, and we couldn't get a woman Attorney General until the 1990s. Isn't sexism unfair?

And you thought Esther Randolph was just totally made up to make the 1920s seem like a more feminist time than it was. Actually, she’s based on a real Assistant Attorney General named Mabel Walker Willebrandt who actually did nail George Remus and other wrongdoers during Prohibition. And this is her picture here. Pretty wasn’t she? Too bad she didn’t get promoted to Attorney General under Herbert Hoover. Damn, and we couldn’t get a woman Attorney General until the 1990s. Isn’t sexism a bitch?

Known in Life as: “First Lady of Law” was US Assistant Attorney General from 1921-1929 handling cases concerning violations of the Volstead Act, federal taxation, and the Bureau of Federal Prisons.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for US Attorney Esther Randolph.
Similarities: Well, they’re both Assistant Attorney Generals in the 1920s who deal with the Volstead Act. Both were willing to take down bootleggers when their superiors wouldn’t. Brought down George Remus and were successful in the biggest prosecutions during Prohibition. Both showed high degrees of professionalism.
Differences: Was divorced but she probably didn’t sleep with her assistant. Wasn’t reduced to prosecuting bit time bootleggers at the D. C. night court circuit for she had other things to do. And she’d probably not ally herself with booze barons. Yet, she did get her start defending prostitutes without pay and handled 2000 cases pertaining to them. During WWI, she served as head of the Legal Advisory Board for draft cases in Los Angeles, California. Oh, and she was the second woman appointed as Assistant Attorney General but the first to serve an extended term, which made her the highest ranking woman in the federal government. Her administration the establishment for the Alderson federal prison which was the first of its kind for women. She was also an opponent to Prohibition but aggressively upheld the Volstead Act but criticized the federal government’s efforts to enforce the law in her book The Inside of Prohibition describing political interference, incompetent public officials, and public indifference. Her efforts to prosecute bootleggers were hampered by the Treasury and Justice Departments though she managed to prosecute 48,734 Prohibition-related cases from June 1924 to June 1925, of which 39,072 resulted in convictions. Submitted 278 cases of certiorari to the Supreme Court regarding defense, clarification, and enforcement of Prohibition and the Volstead Act. Also argued more than 40 cases before the Supreme Court and won several victories.
Ultimate Fate: Though she heavily campaigned for Herbert Hoover in 1928, she failed to be appointed Attorney General (not surprisingly) and resigned her post in 1929. She continued to work as an attorney having offices in Washington and Los Angeles. In 1950 she represented the Screen Actors Guild during a labor hearing as well as California Fruit Industries. Became the first woman to chair a committee of the American Bar Association on the committee of aeronautical law as well as held several honorary doctorates. Later converted to Roman Catholicism and died of natural causes in Riverside, California in 1963 at 73.

24. George Remus (1874-1952)

Cincinnati booze baron George Remus behind bars. After he gets out of prison he's going to find out his wife had an affair and basically swindled him royally. He'd then kill her in front of a lot people in broad daylight and get off on temporary insanity. Yet, George Remus won't be nearly that rich again.

Cincinnati booze baron George Remus behind bars. After he gets out of prison he’s going to find out his wife had an affair and basically swindled him royally. He’d then kill her in front of a lot people in broad daylight and get off on temporary insanity. Yet, George Remus won’t be nearly that rich again.

Known in Life as: Cincinnati lawyer and bootlegger during Prohibition. It’s been claimed that he was the inspiration for the title character in The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was brought down by a female Assistant Attorney General. Exploited a loophole in the Volstead Act that permitted its trade for medicinal purposes (which was why he moved to Cincinnati where 80% of the US “bonded” whiskey was located). Entered the booze business to get rich but wasn’t really violent. Was a teetotaler as well as short, fat, and bald. Actually referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Differences: Born in Germany and came to the US at 5. Supported his family by working in a pharmacy at 14 because his dad couldn’t work. Bought the pharmacy at 19 and another at 24 but became a lawyer after getting bored. Daughter was Romola Remus who played Dorothy Gale in the 1910 silent version of The Wizard of Oz when she was 8. Specialized in criminal defense and became rather famous that he was earning $50,000 annually by 1920 on his legal career alone. Married twice and divorced once. Was known as “The King of Bootleggers” for his vast booze empire as well as extravagant lifestyle and parties you’d see in The Great Gatsby including one in which he gave all the adult male guests diamond watches and their wives a brand new car. At his peak he owned 10 distilleries, employed 3,000 people, and had the most dominant bootlegging operation in the Midwest that would put Al Capone to shame. Loved fine food, art, literature, and swimming. Was well liked by the local kids as well as let them swim in his Grecian Olympic sized swimming pool. Beloved in Cincinnati and known for his generosity.
Ultimate Fate: In 1925, he was indicted for 3,000 violations under the Volstead Act and convicted by a grand jury in just 2 hours as well as received a 2 year prison sentence. While in the slammer, befriended a fellow prison inmate who turned out to be an undercover Prohibition agent named Franklin Dodge who later resigned and had an affair with his second wife Imogene. Dodge and Imogene would liquidate his assets and hide as much money as possible, strip his large Marble Palace mansion of everything of value and nail the doors shut, attempt to deport him, and even hire a hitman to murder him for $15,000. Imogene sold his Fleischmann distillery in which she gave him $100 for it and would file for divorce. In 1927, he had his driver chase his second wife and daughter through Eden Park on her way to the divorce finalization, where he fatally shot his wife in the abdomen in front of the Spring House Gazebo in front of horrified onlookers. He successfully pleaded temporary insanity in record time while acting as his own attorney with a case bringing national headlines for a month as well as prosecuted by a former president’s grandson. Was sentenced for 6 months. Upon release, tried to return to bootlegging but found it was taken over by gangsters so he moved to Covington, Kentucky where he lived a modest life for the next 20 years without incident and though he tried to regain his vast fortune, he was never successful. He died there in 1952 of natural causes at 77.

25. Dean O’Banion (1892-1924)

Dean O'Banion posing in a photo with his wife Viola holding one of his bouquets he styled himself. Too bad he'll be whacked by Frankie Yale's boys in his own flower shop.

Dean O’Banion posing in a photo with his wife Viola holding one of his bouquets he styled himself. Too bad he’ll be whacked by Frankie Yale’s boys in his own flower shop.

Known in Life as: Irish American gangster in Chicago and rival of Johnny Torrio and Al Capone during the brutal Chicago bootlegging wars of the 1920s. Led the North Side Gang until his murder by Frankie Yale, John Scalise, and Albert Anselmi in 1924.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Owned a flower shop (which was originally set up for a money laundering scheme but he found out he actually liked it). Had his men encroach others’ territory and breweries.
Differences: Was once a choir boy as a kid and sang at Chicago’s Holy Name Cathedral. Childhood buddies were Hymie Weiss, Vincent Drucci, and Bugs Moran who were in the Market Street Gang specializing in theft and robbery. Worked as a singing waiter at McGovern’s Liberty Inn and was said to have a beautiful tenor voice while his buddies picked pockets in the coatroom. Also drugged his patron’s drinks known then as “slipping a Mickey Finn.” They also inflicted violence in the 42nd and 43rd ward for political bosses. As a head of the North Side Gang, his men stole liquor from other bootleggers, hijacked trucks en route (a pioneer in that), tried to frame Torrio and Capone for a murdered, trolled the Genna brothers (a Chicago Outfit affiliated gang) for no apparent practical reason, and conned Angelo Genna out of a large sum of money. Also did flower arrangements for mob funerals and regularly attended Mass at Holy Name Cathedral. At his height he was making $1 million in the early 1920s when he and his gang eliminated the bootlegging competition. Abhorred prostitution.
Ultimate Fate: Shot up by two of Frankie Yale’s hitmen in his flower shop in 1924 at the age of 32. Was denied to be buried on consecrated ground by the Catholic Church but his funeral was presided by a priest who knew him since childhood and was quite lavish. His killing would spark a 5 year gang war between the North Side Gang and the Chicago Outfit which would culminate in the 1929 St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

26. Frankie Yale (1893-1928)

Yes, that's Frankie Yale. Despite the Ivy League sounding name, he's actually was an Italian born gangster who didn't go to college. Still, he and Al Capone were good friends, for a while.

Yes, that’s Frankie Yale. Despite the Ivy League sounding name, he’s actually was an Italian born gangster who didn’t go to college. Still, he and Al Capone were good friends, for a while. Had a very expensive gangster funeral.

Known in Life as: Brooklyn gangster and original employer of Al Capone before the latter moved to Chicago.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was responsible for killing Dean O’Banion in his flower shop though possibly could’ve killed Colosimo (we aren’t sure on that one).
Differences: Born in Italy, came to the US at 7, and befriended Johnny Torrio as a teenager who ushered him in the Five Points Gang. Believed in putting business ahead of ego. Took over Brooklyn’s ice delivery trade by selling “protection” and creating monopolies. Opened a bar on the Seaside Walk in Coney Island with the proceeds known as Harvard Inn. It was in this place where a young waiter named Al Capone got his famous scar. His gang also engaged in Black Hand extortion activities (especially in rackets with dock workers and unions) and ran a string of brothels. Had a sideline of notorious foul-smelling cigars packaged in boxes that bore his smiling face as well as operated his own funeral home. Was one of Brooklyn’s biggest bootleggers at the beginning of Prohibition as well as known for his generosity for the less fortunate people in his neighborhood. Yet, was a violent man who didn’t hesitate to inflict pain on others and beat his younger brother so badly he wound up in the hospital. Married twice as well as fathered 3 daughters. Survived a lot of assassination attempts and supplied much of Al Capone’s whiskey imported from Canada and would oversee the transport personally.
Ultimate Fate: Unfortunately, his long friendship with Capone began to fray when his Chicago bound trucks would fall to hijacking before leaving Brooklyn. When Capone found that Yale was stealing his booze, his informant tried to kill Yale but was gunned down instead. On July 1, 1928, Yale received a cryptic call in his Sunrise Club saying that something was wrong with his wife. Yale would dash out in his brand new armored coffee-colored Lincoln coup (but lacked bullet-proof windows) and took up at New Ultrecht Avenue in which he was chased by a Buick sedan carrying four armed men (who were from Capone’s Chicago Outfit). The Buick would catch up to him and Yale was murdered in a storm of bullets that cause his car to crash into the stoop of a brownstone at No. 923. He was 35 (still, the writers missed a great opportunity here). Had one of the most impressive gangland funerals in American history which was attended by thousands of people and set a standard for opulence for American gangsters that has been seldom matched over the years. Also led to drama when two different women claimed to be his wife.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 1- Enoch “Nucky” Johnson to Louis “Commodore” Kuehnle

boardwalk-empire

A few months ago my dad was reading a book about the Rooney family and the early days of owning the Pittsburgh Steelers. Since we’ve been watching the first three seasons of Boardwalk Empire, my dad had to show me the name of “Arnold Rothstein” when he got to the part about Art Rooney’s luck as a gambler on the horse racing track. Let’s just say that before he managed to read the guy’s name, he thought that Rothstein was just a fictional character created by the writers of the hit Emmy-winning HBO show. Of course, I couldn’t write about Boardwalk Empire at that moment since I was possibly working on my blog series on movie history. Yet, that incident got me to thinking about doing a series dedicated to the historical figures who’ve appeared or inspired  characters on the show no matter how minor. I mean sure I’ve watched the first three seasons but I really like the show and it’s not because of the violence. I like the characters, the clothes, the sets, and well, the historicity of it all. Still, since Boardwalk Empire is airing it’s final season around this time of year, I thought this little five part blog series would be a nice commemoration as a tribute to the Prohibition Era, the 1920s, the Jazz Age, and all that. In this selection, we’ll look at Atlantic City locals like Enoch L. “Nucky” Johnson and his brother Alf, Mary Ill, Mayor Edward L. Bader, and Louis “Commodore” Kuehnle. We’ll also get to know Casper Holstein an inspiration to Casper Holstein. Of course, we’ll also get to see famous gangsters like Johnny Torrio and Al Capone from Chicago and men like Arnold Rothstein, Charles “Lucky” Luciano, Meyer Lansky, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, and Joe Masseria. So without further adieu, let me introduce you to my first installment of the real people of Boardwalk Empire.

1. Enoch L. “Nucky” Johnson (1883-1968)

Doesn't seem to remind me of Steve Buscemi in the least. Rather he seems to resemble an old timey college professor of some sort. Still, very well dressed.

Doesn’t seem to remind me of Steve Buscemi in the least. Rather he seems to resemble an old timey college professor of some sort. Still, very well dressed.

Known in Life as: He was a New Jersey political boss and racketeer. From the 1910s to his 1941 conviction and imprisonment, he was the undisputed “boss” of the political machine that controlled Atlantic City and the Atlantic County government. His rule saw Atlantic City as a refuge from Prohibition and was at its height of popularity as a tourist destination. His organization engaged in bootlegging, gambling, and prostitution. Yet, he was also known for giving freely to those in need and was widely beloved by local citizens, among whom his benevolence and generosity were legendary.
Character or Inspiration? He’s the main inspiration for “Nucky” Thompson and to a lesser extent Chalky White.
Similarities: Well, he and Nucky had wives named Mabel who died in 1912 (but from TB not suicide) and began to live fast lives after that. They both lived on the ninth story of the Ritz-Carlton rather lavishly, wore a fresh red carnation on their lapels daily, and had a German personal assistant and valet. They also both served as Atlantic County treasurer and were natty dressers. Like Chalky, he was seen as a benefactor to the Northside African American community but that’s pretty much it.
Differences: Unlike Nucky on the show, Johnson didn’t have any kids and didn’t remarry until 1941 and to a showgirl 25 years his junior. Also, in addition to mob boss, booze baron, political boss, sheriff, and county treasurer, Johnson was also county collector, campaign manager to Walter E. Edge, publisher of a weekly newspaper, president of a banking and loan company, and director of a Philadelphia brewery. Yet, though a political boss, he didn’t have much influence in US politics outside the state of New Jersey where he helped get several governors and US Senators elected. Not to mention, he briefly studied to be a teacher and before quitting for an unpaid clerkship and eventually work for his sheriff father (thus, he basically rose to power through nepotism). Still, Johnson didn’t have a terrible childhood, was probably a WASP, or an abusive dad who was a drunk(as far as we know) and wasn’t known for killing anybody (at least in the premeditated sense) or engaging in competition or turf wars with organized crime (though he did take a cut in illegal alcohol sales in Atlantic City). Also was 37 in 1920 as well as a tall, muscular, and bespeckled man who weighed 225 and stood 6’4” tall. Not to mention, he swam every week to keep in shape and was a forceful and outgoing personality.
Ultimate Fate: Was convicted and imprisoned for tax evasion (after being under investigation since 1933 thanks to William Randolph Hearst who leaked his name out of spite because they were both after the same showgirl). Was paroled in 1945 as well as worked in sales at the Richfield Oil Company and with his wife for Renault Winery. Yet, he did continue to dress impeccably and attend political events. Died of natural causes in 1968 at 85.

2. Alfred “Alf” Johnson (1878-1958)

Of course, I don't know if this is from the 1920s but it's the only picture I could find of him. Still, he doesn't look that bad and seems to love his little kitty.

Of course, I don’t know if this is from the 1920s but it’s the only picture I could find of him. Still, he doesn’t look that bad and seems to love his little kitty.

Known in Life as: Sheriff of Atlantic County and Nucky Johnson’s brother.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Eli Thompson.
Similarities: Well, he was his brother’s henchman and did serve as county sheriff.
Differences: Unlike Eli Thompson in the show, Alf Johnson was actually older than his more famous brother Nucky. Also, he didn’t have any kids and may not have been married. Not to mention, his father was also a sheriff as well and wasn’t brought up in an abusive home and probably not Irish Catholic. In addition didn’t become sheriff until after 1920 long after his brother and father served that post.
Ultimate Fate: Died from a lingering illness in 1958 at 80.

3. Mary Ill
Known in Life as: Housewife, boardinghouse maid, and political activist. Best known for requesting a meeting with Nucky Johnson and being one of his political supporters.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Margaret Shroeder.
Similarities: Well, they were both married to part-time baker’s helpers who were gamblers and abusive drunks. Like Margaret, she was also active in local politics and charitable organizations.
Differences: It’s fair to say that she and Nucky Johnson were never romantically involved (and certainly not married, though they did remain friends and he did give her $100 and a house). Nor did Johnson have her husband murdered (actually had him banned from local gambling halls instead). Also, we’re not sure whether she’s even an Irish immigrant.
Ultimate Fate: Well, her extensive interviews were used as research for a non-fiction book (the show was based on) and helped create Nucky Thompson’s character on the show. She at least lived long enough for that.

4. Arnold Rothstein (1882-1928)

Yes, ladies, this is a genuine photograph of the guy who fixed the 1919 World Series on his telephone. Kind of disappoints you that he doesn't look like the New York Jewish mob boss from Boardwalk Empire doesn't it?

Yes, ladies, this is a genuine photograph of the guy who fixed the 1919 World Series on his telephone. Kind of disappoints you that he doesn’t look like the New York Jewish mob boss from Boardwalk Empire doesn’t it?

Known in Life as: Jewish American racketeer, businessman, gambler, and kingpin of the Jewish mob in New York City. Best known for being a corrupting influence in professional sports and fixing the 1919 World Series. According to Leo Katcher, “transformed organized crime from a thuggish activity by hoodlums into a big business, run like a corporation, with himself at the top.” Rich Cohen says he was the first person to realize that Prohibition was a business opportunity, a means to enormous wealth who, “understood the truths of early century capitalism (giving people what they want) and came to dominate them.”
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he did have a criminal organization that included notables like Meyer Lansky, Jack “Legs” Diamond, Charles “Lucky” Luciano, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, and Dutch Schultz. Frequently mediated differences between the New York gangs and reportedly charged a hefty fee for his services. Did business in both bootlegging and narcotics as well as on the street (but surrounded by bodyguards). Wore bow ties.
Differences: He was nowhere near as attractive as Michael Stuhlbarg is and certainly didn’t fit the mainstream idea of handsome. And despite what the show implies, he wasn’t faithful to his wife (had at least 2 known mistresses). Also, he’s only alleged to fix the 1919 World Series while official records state it wasn’t fixed at all nor was he involved. Let’s just say that all the evidence and minutes of the Grand Jury disappeared during the investigation and the case was dismissed. While not shown on the show, he also exploited his role as mediator in the legitimate business world and soon forced Tammany Hall to recognize him as a necessary ally in its running of the city. Let’s just say Nucky Thompson’s role in Atlantic City is similar to his in New York City.
Ultimate Fate: Due to failure to pay a large debt of $320,000 that resulted from a 3 day long fixed high stakes poker game, he was shot and mortally wounded during a business meeting at Manhattan’s Central Park Hotel on 7th Avenue near 55th Street in 1928. He died at 46 at Stuyvesant Polyclinic Hospital. Who was responsible for his murder remains a mystery to this day. Still, by fast forwarding to 1931, I think the show’s writers missed a great opportunity with this. His illegal empire was divided by his underlings after his death and the political boss system of the 19th century was in total collapse. Ten years after his murder, his estate would be bankrupt and all his wealth would disappear.

5. Charles “Lucky” Luciano (1897-1962)

Now seriously, I'm not sure if I'd want that guy to star in Clint Eastwood's Jersey Boys. Then again, he doesn't look that bad, for an outright Prohibition bootlegging gangster. Of course, he'll whack anybody who stands in his way.

Now seriously, I’m not sure if I’d want that guy to star in Clint Eastwood’s Jersey Boys. Then again, he doesn’t look that bad, for an outright Prohibition bootlegging gangster. Of course, he’ll whack anybody who stands in his way.

Known in Life as: Sicilian-born American mobster and considered the father of modernized crime in the United States for splitting New York City into 5 different Mafia crime families and establishment of the first Commission. He was the first official boss of the Genovese crime family. Along with Meyer Lansky, he was instrumental in the development of the National Crime Syndicate of the United States. Said to be the most powerful American Mafia boss of all time.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Met and befriended Meyer Lansky as a teenager as well as Rothstein’s protégé. Was a womanizer. Arranged Masseria’s murder in 1931.
Differences: Actually started working as a gunman for Masseria before he went to Rothstein in the early 1920s and didn’t return to him until after Rothstein’s murder. He didn’t turn against Rothstein nor did Rothstein double cross him. Also, may have been called “Lucky” as early as 1923 after being severely beaten by 3 men and having his throat slashed. Not to mention, despite being arrested 25 times between 1916 to 1936, he spent no time in prison. Actually he got beat up a lot over his lifetime and survived a 1929 kidnapping when he was beaten and stabbed by 3 men before being dumped on a Staten Island beach (this would’ve made a great episode). Certainly wasn’t nearly as handsome as Vincent Piazza on the show.
Ultimate Fate: Though he’d continue trying to run his criminal enterprise, Luciano would later see prison in the late 1930s, would strike a deal with the US government to help root out German and Italian agents in New York, and would be deported to Italy in 1946. Except for a stint in Cuba, he would remain in Italy for the rest of his life. Also, would get in trouble with the Italian authorities which would result in a ban from Rome and his passport revoked. Died of a heart attack in Naples International Airport in 1962 at 65.

6. Alphonse “Al” Capone (1899-1947)

Now this is the 1920s Prohibition gangster we all remember unless we're under 5 or hiding under a rock somewhere. Still, he had great fashion sense.

Now this is the 1920s Prohibition gangster we all remember unless we’re under 10 or hiding under a rock somewhere. Still, he had great fashion sense and today he’s the most famous American gangster who ever lived.

Known in Life as: A violent Chicago gangster who attained national fame during Prohibition and was crime boss of that city for seven years. Alleged to be responsible for the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929 (show missed great opportunity there). Possibly the most famous Prohibition gangster in the United States who ever lived.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was born in New York. Said he served in WWI (even though he didn’t but he was embarrassed that he got his nasty scar from a knife fight). Had an Irish wife and brothers in the business as well (save one who was a Prohibition agent).
Differences: Was bigger than Stephen Graham. Moved to Chicago after being in memberships with small town gangs and the Five Points Gang where he was mentored by Frankie Yale. Was 21 in 1920 and started out in Chicago as a Johnny Torrio’s bodyguard not driver. Still, though he may have been a violent gangster who gained control of the Chicago bootlegging through violent means, he knew the value of PR and would stylize himself as a generous benefactor and a modern day Robin Hood. He’d also help cultivate relationships with Mayor William Hale Thompson and the city police.
Ultimate Fate: Was investigated and convicted of tax evasion thanks to the efforts of IRS agent Frank J. Wilson. Was sentenced to 11 years in prison but would serve 7 including a stint in Alcatraz where he’d be diagnosed with syphilis and gonorrhea. Was paroled in 1939 and would spend his remaining years in Florida where he showed symptoms of syphillic dementia. Died of cardiac arrest after suffering a stroke in 1947 at 48. His Chicago Outfit would continue at a low profile though and is still around.

7. Meyer Lansky (1902-1983)

Still, while Luciano is the better looking gangster on Boardwalk Empire, Lansky probably beats him in the looks department in real life. Of course, that's just my opinion. Nevertheless, Lansky will eventually outlive most of his peers from this era and enjoy a nice retirement in Florida.

Still, while Luciano is the better looking gangster on Boardwalk Empire, Lansky probably beats him in the looks department in real life. Of course, that’s just my opinion. Nevertheless, Lansky will eventually outlive most of his peers from this era and enjoy a nice retirement in Florida.

Known in Life as: Called the “Mob’s Accountant” was a major organized crime figure who along with Luciano was instrumental in developing the National Crime Syndicate in the United States. Thought to be one of the most powerful men in the country for decades. Had a gambling empire that stretched across the seas and was said to own casinos in Las Vegas, Cuba, the Bahamas, and London. Despite being in the Jewish Mob, he had as strong influence on the Italian Mafia and played a large role in consolidating the criminal underworld.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Met and befriended Luciano as a teenager as well as served as Rothstein’s protégé. Also was acquainted with Bugsy Siegel during that time as well (they became lifelong friends as well as had the latter save him several times).
Differences: Was 18 in 1920. Was much closer to Siegel than Luciano (he and Bugsy formed their own gang and were BFFs for life). Probably didn’t turn on Rothstein. Also didn’t quite look like Anatol Yusef.
Ultimate Fate: Well, he’s much luckier than a lot of his colleagues. Though he did get deported to the US from Israel and have his Cuban ventures end to the rise of Castro, he manage to establish a lot of gambling operations (considered to have high integrity) and transferred a lot of his earnings to a Swiss bank account. Was instrumental in Operation Underworld during World War II for the US Navy. From 1974 to his death of lung cancer at 81 in 1983, he spent a long peaceful retirement at Miami Beach. Yet, the amount of money he left will never be known though he was survived by his widow and 3 children.

8. Casper Holstein (1876-1944)

Let's just say that while the Harlem Renaissance had it's share of African American musicians, academics, scientists, and writers, they also their share of Prohibition era gangsters. Casper Holstein is the most famous despite his Germanic name. Yet he had a Scandinavian father.

Let’s just say that while the Harlem Renaissance had it’s share of African American musicians, academics, scientists, and writers, they also their share of Prohibition era gangsters. Casper Holstein is the most famous despite his Germanic name. Yet he had a Scandinavian father.

Known in Life as: Prominent New York gangster involved in the Harlem “numbers rackets” during the Harlem Renaissance. He, along with his rival Stephanie St. Clair, was responsible for bringing back illegal gambling to the neighborhood after an 8 year absence following the conviction of Peter H. Matthews in 1915. Was well known for his generosity with his wealth in Harlem.
Character or Inspiration? Main inspiration for Doctor Valentin Narcisse and to a lesser extent, Chalky White.
Similarities: Both hailed from the West Indies. Both were prominent crime figures in Harlem during Prohibition. Both were philanthropists and financed the Harlem Renaissance (Holstein donated money to build dormitories at black colleges, was patron to the area’s artists, writers, and poets.) Were very supportive of the UNIA-ACL and wanted to improve African American society.
Differences: Didn’t call himself a “doctor of divinity.” Was of mixed African and Danish descent. Regularly contributed to the NCAAP’s Crisis. His operation actually focused more on “number rackets” and illegal gambling than anything (though he owned a few nightclubs and other legitimate businesses). Was in the US Navy during WWI as well as had several jobs like a Manhattan porter and doorman as well as head messenger to a Wall Street brokerage firm. Was kidnapped by a few whites in 1928 for a $50,000 but was released days later with the ransom never paid. Was never involved in drugs as far as I know.
Ultimate Fate: After serving a stint in prison following his 1937 arrest for illegal gambling (after leaving the numbers game in 1932), he “retired” from gambling but continued his philanthropic activities in Harlem and got in the real estate business. He died in 1944 at 67. 2,000 people attended his funeral. Has a scholarship in at the University of the Virgin Islands and a housing development in St. Croix named after him.

9. Johnny Torrio (1882-1957)

Sure he may remind you of some distinguished gentleman you'd see at Barnes & Noble. However, this guy was a Chicago Outfit mob boss as well as Al Capone's immediate supervisor and mentor.

Sure he may remind you of some distinguished gentleman you’d see at Barnes & Noble. However, this guy was a Chicago Outfit mob boss as well as Al Capone’s immediate supervisor and mentor. He’d later quit the racket and would later become a mob consultant in New York.

Known in Life as: Italian American gangster who helped build the Chicago Outfit in the 1920s that would be inherited by his protégé Al Capone in 1925. Also put forth the idea of a National Crime Syndicate in the 1930s and later became an unofficial adviser for the Genovese crime family.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was Al Capone’s mentor who helped bring him to Chicago and was second to Big Jim Colosimo (who was his uncle by marriage and invited him to deal with extortion demands from the Black Hand.) Might’ve set up Colosimo’s murder after he refused to invest in the alcohol business (though we aren’t so sure). Made no distinction between Irish and Italians in his gang. Was a rival of the Northside Gang headed by Dean O’Banion. Handed over the reins to Capone after an assassination attempt put him in the hospital and moved to Italy in 1925.
Differences: Was only 38 in 1920 while Greg Antonacci is certainly not. Also, resembled much more of a grandfatherly businessman in his later years. Not only that, but Torrio also may have set up Colosimo’s murder for a more personal reason which was divorcing his aunt so he could marry an actress and singer. Still, we’re not sure whether he did.
Ultimate Fate: Of course, he only lived in Italy for 3 years and moved back to the US due to the rise of Benito Mussolini. Engaged in a number of legitimate businesses including liquor distribution and bail bonds and acted as a crime consultant before his income tax arrest and conviction in 1939 which resulted in 2 years in prison. After his release, dabbled in real estate and spent a nice long retirement as a promise he made to his wife. Died in a Brooklyn barber shop of a heart attack in 1957 just before he was to get his hair cut. Left a wife and three kids.

10. Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel (1906-1947)

Oh, my is this bad boy a very handsome man? And in a checkered sports coat who knew? Still, it's a shame that this gangster would go to a bad end and with a left eye blown out of its socket. Jesus Christ!

Oh, my is this bad boy a very handsome man? And in a checkered sports coat who knew? Still, it’s a shame that this gangster would go to a bad end and with a left eye blown out of its socket. Jesus Christ!

Known in Life as: Jewish American gangster with the Luciano crime family and known to be one of the most infamous and feared gangsters of his day. Was one of the first front-page celebrity gangsters and a driving force behind the development of the Las Vegas strip, a founder and leader of Murder, Incorporated, and Prohibition bootlegger. One of the most feared hitmen in history.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was a teenager in the 1920s as well as a close associate with Meyer Lansky (they were BFFs for life). Lansky would hire him out as a hitman. Was bloodthirsty, aggressive, and audacious.
Differences: Was a boyhood friend to Al Capone and allowed him to hide out with his aunt. Would soon rise to prominence as a gangster. Had a record that included armed robbery, rape, and murder dating back to his teenage years.
Ultimate Fate: Would soon have to move to California and develop a syndicate with Mickey Cohen during the late 1930s and early 1940s. Befriended a lot of Hollywood stars and had an extravagant life. Went to Las Vegas to develop the Flamingo Hotel on the strip which was an initial failure but made a profit. Shot in the head by an M-1 carbine at his girlfriend Virginia Hill’s Beverly Hills home in 1947 at 41. May have received “the Moe Greene Special.” His murder remains unsolved. The Flamingo Hotel still stands though.

11. Edward L. Bader (1874-1927)

Not a great photograph of the Atlantic City mayor of the 1920s who died from peritonitis, but it'll have to do. Still, very different looking from the Ed Bader we see on the HBO show.

Not a great photograph of the Atlantic City mayor of the 1920s who died from peritonitis, but it’ll have to do. Still, very different looking from the Ed Bader we see on the HBO show.

Known in Life as: Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey from 1920-1927.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Had a construction business prior to his election as mayor.
Differences: Was actually bald and son of Catholic German immigrants (since he was part of the Atlantic City Knights of Columbus). Played for the Latrobe Athletic Association in US professional football after attending the University of Pennsylvania. Was a champion for education. Spoke out against the KKK, was a patron of athletics, and set up a garbage collecting operation as well as helped rebuilt Atlantic City during a hurricane. Very active in his community, sponsored a lot of construction projects, organized the first Miss America pageant, as well as had a wife and four kids. Still, he was much more than a pawn to the political bosses and he and Nucky Johnson were good friends (the latter was at his deathbed).
Ultimate Fate: Died of peritonitis in 1927 at 52 (and the fact his appendix was on the left side of his torso).

12. Joe Masseria (1886-1931)

Man, he doesn't seem like a nice guy here. Still, seems to have a lighter skin complexion than Ivo Nandi on the show to my surprise. Of course, he'll be done in by Luciano some time after this picture is taken.

Man, he doesn’t seem like a nice guy here. Still, seems to have a lighter skin complexion than Ivo Nandi on the show to my surprise. Of course, he’ll be done in by Luciano some time after this picture is taken.

Known in Life as: Early Mafia boss in New York City and what is now called the Genovese crime family. Waged a bloody war to take over criminal activities in the city.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was the big Italian crime boss in the 1920s who gangsters feared and respected. Survived numerous assassination attempts save the one ordered by Luciano.
Differences: Gave Luciano his start as a gunman before he left for Rothstein. May have played a role in the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929. Was only top mob boss in New York for 3 years. Wasn’t the head of the Morello crime family until 1922.
Ultimate Fate: Assassinated at a Coney Island restaurant in 1931. He was 45. We’re sure it was on Luciano’s orders since he wanted to end the Castellammarese War and dissolve the old Costa Nostra structure.

13. Louis “Commodore” Kuehnle (1857-1934)

I know this is a picture of Kuehnle from 1916 but it'll have to do. Yet, he doesn't look in the way I expected him to. Wonder if he hunted animals enough to make them an endangered species.

I know this is a picture of Kuehnle from 1916 but it’ll have to do. Yet, he doesn’t look in the way I expected him to. Wonder if he hunted animals enough to make them an endangered species.

Known in Life as: American business entrepreneur and politician. Leader of the Republican organization that controlled Atlantic City during the early 1900s. Was pursued for election fraud by New Jersey governor Woodrow Wilson in 1910 and was convicted on conflict of interest in 1913 where he served 6 months in prison.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Louis Kaestner a. k. a. “the Commodore” (also has a personality more akin to an evil Teddy Roosevelt).
Similarities: Both founded a political machine and were succeeded by a guy named Nucky. Both were crooks who served jail time.
Differences: Didn’t really successfully challenge Nucky Johnson (at least not to have him put in prison, though Nucky did help him to get elected as City Commissioner which he served for the rest of his life). Owned the Kuehnle Hotel where he ran a gambling and prostitution racket. Probably didn’t rape a 13 year old girl and didn’t have a maid try to poison him. Was clean shaven and had no kids.
Ultimate Fate: Died of complications from appendicitis operation in 1934 at the age of 76.

The Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame

Doing a post on bad sports mascots got me thinking about the big leagues and how some of them don’t seem to rally the team as much as create a franchise embarrassment. Now I know many of the guys behind the costumes probably started doing this in high school and college perhaps to get in with the cheerleaders or avoid embarrassment of their jock filled family who didn’t want him in marching band. Yet, many of these pro mascots probably took their talent to the big leagues since they love the limelight and/or don’t have many applicable skills. Now the following mascots I’m listing on this post are from the Big Four Leagues based in the United States and sometime Canada as far as the NHL goes. Still, for those who feel embarrassed about your pro team mascot, this is the list for you and for those who are offended for putting your favorite mascot on the list, I sincerely apologize. So without further adieu, here is my cavalcade of the worst mascots in professional sports.

 

NFL

 

1. Steely McBeam- Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I'm from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he's ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that's so lame?

Now I’m from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he’s ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that’s so lame?

 

2. Rowdy- Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys may be America's football team (Steeler fans: actually no way in hell), but we're sure that Rowdy isn't America's favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he's kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader's boobs. Creepy.

The Dallas Cowboys may be America’s football team (Steeler fans: no way in hell), but we’re sure that Rowdy isn’t America’s favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he’s kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader’s boobs. Creepy.

 

3. Boltman- San Diego Chargers

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn't get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers' mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn’t get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers’ mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

 

4. Edgar, Allan, and Poe- Baltimore Ravens

I don't know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of "The Raven" turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

I don’t know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of “The Raven” turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

 

5. Blue-Indianapolis Colts

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

 

6. T. D.- Miami Dolphins

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn't seem very intimidating at all.

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn’t seem very intimidating at all. Seriously, still too cute.

 

7. Raider Rusher- Oakland Raiders

Now what's worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They'll probably cry.

Now what’s worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They’ll probably cry.

 

8. Jaxon de Ville- Jacksonville Jaguars

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that's not right. Seriously, I don't find speedo as anything you'd want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that’s not right. Seriously, I don’t find speedo as anything you’d want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

 

9. Pat Patriot- New England Patriots

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn't mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he's about to ask for your soul.

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn’t mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he’s about to ask for your soul.

 

10. Sir Saint- New Orleans Saints

Now I know he's been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he's a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

Now I know he’s been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he’s a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

 

11. Captain Fear- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who've seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children's movie with pirates in it who don't do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who’ve seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children’s movie with pirates in it who don’t do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

 

12. Indian- Washington Redskins

Of course, I couldn't do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans.  Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God's sake? You're projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. Seriously, this mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans. Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God’s sake? You’re projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. This mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

 

MLB

 

1. Raymond- Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball.

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball. I mean he looks like he could be related to the Lorax for God’s sake.

 

2. Dinger- Colorado Rockies

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain't Barney. The Bad: he's still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain’t Barney. The Bad: he’s still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

 

3. Billy the Marlin- Florida Marlins

Now I'm not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon's embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

Now I’m not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon’s embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami who has a large collection of Jimmy Buffett music. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

 

4. Phillie Phanatic- Philadelphia Phillies

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We're not sure which.

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We’re not sure which.

 

5. Screech- Washington Nationals

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

 

6. Bernie Brewer- Milwaukee Brewers

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn't seem to be up to no good.

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn’t seem to be up to no good.

 

7. Southpaw- Chicago White Sox

After being rejected from Sesame Street, Southpaw traveled all the way to Chicago to make his fortune. After a comedy run on Second City, Southpaw managed to achieve fame as the mascot for the Chicago White Sox. Of course, his Twitter account says: “Hey! It’s me Southpaw, the official White Sox Mascot. I sleep, breathe, eat (well…maybe not eat..that would be weird) the White Sox.” Excuse me? What did I just hear? And they have this guy perform at birthday parties?

 

8. Sluggerr- Kansas City Royals

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren't natural in large mammal predators. Still, he's simply terrifying.

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren’t natural in large mammal predators. Either that or what would happen if Bart Simpson mated with a bear. Still, he’s simply terrifying and that kid doesn’t seem too happy posing with him.

 

9. D. Baxter the Bobcat- Arizona Diamondbacks

For God's sake, I'm sure that looks like something I'd see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

For God’s sake, I’m sure that looks like something I’d see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

 

10. Wally the Green Monster- Boston Red Sox

I'm sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn't live in Boston.

I’m sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensonian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn’t live in Boston.

 

11. Slider- Cleveland Indians

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn't offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I'm sure he'd be the monster killing everybody.

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn’t offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I’m sure he’d be the monster killing everybody.

 

12. San Diego Chicken- San Diego Padres

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let's face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I'm sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn't want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let’s face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I’m sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn’t want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

 

13. Clark the Cub- Chicago Cubs

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don't know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he's a bit creepy as if he's a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don’t know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he’s a bit creepy as if he’s a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

 

14. Gapper- Cincinnati Reds

Let's see Gapper is either: A. Elmo's embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son's Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

Let’s see Gapper is: A. Elmo’s embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son’s Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

 

15. Junction Jack- Houston Astros

Let's see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I'm sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he's around, get the hell out of there.

Let’s see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I’m sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he’s around, get the hell out of there.

 

16. Swinging Friar- San Diego Padres

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that "padre" is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that “padre” is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

 

17. Mr. Redlegs- Cincinnati Reds

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he's going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he’s going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

 

18. The Luchador- Arizona Diamondbacks

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he's a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a  giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would've been better.

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he’s a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would’ve been better.

 

19. Lefty and Righty- Boston Red Sox

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn't mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn’t mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

 

20. Orbit- Houston Astros

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we're not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he's not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who'd appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we’re not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he’s not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who’d appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

 

21. Paws- Detroit Tigers

He's basically related to Tony the Tiger who's on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We're not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger's family doesn't really talk about him.

He’s basically related to Tony the Tiger who’s on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We’re not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger’s family doesn’t really talk about him. Perhaps because he has an unsettling look in his eyes.

 

22. The Sausages- Milwaukee Brewers

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don't want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don’t want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

 

23. Stomper- Oakland Athletics

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A's logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid's program in person and that's no small peanuts here.

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A’s logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid’s program in person and that’s no small peanuts here. Yeah, not very intimidating.

 

NBA

 

1. G-Wiz- Washington Wizards

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called "G-Wiz" when its fans said, "Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?"

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called “G-Wiz” when its fans said, “Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?”

 

2. Jazz Bear- Utah Jazz

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

 

3. Hip Hop the Rabbit- Philadelphia 76ers

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I'm sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I’m sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

 

4. Rumble the Bison- Oklahoma City Thunder

Basically he's the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn't look like an actual bison at all. Rather it's kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

Basically he’s the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn’t look like an actual bison at all. Rather it’s kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

 

5. Burnie- Miami Heat

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not spirit.

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not team spirit.

 

6. Stuff the Magic Dragon- Orlando Magic

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called "Puff the Magic Dragon," but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called “Puff the Magic Dragon,” but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

 

7. Pierre the Pelican- New Orleans Pelicans

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that's bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that’s bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

 

8. Go the Gorilla- Phoenix Suns

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

 

9. Coyote- San Antonio Spurs

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there's clearly something not right with him.

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there’s clearly something not right with him.

 

10. Sir CC- Cleveland Cavaliers

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him.

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him at least before Alexandre Dumas’ ghost rises out of his grave.

 

11. Thunder- Golden State Warriors

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler's estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn't a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler’s estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn’t a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

 

12. Grizz- Memphis Grizzlies

Grizz's dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead.

Grizz’s dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead. He is not happy about it.

 

13. Brooklyn Knight- Brooklyn Nets

Let's see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he's named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let's just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would've made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

Let’s see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he’s named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let’s just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would’ve made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

 

14. King Cake Baby- New Orleans Pelicans

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you'd want at any baby shower, especially if you're the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he's basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you’d want at any baby shower, especially if you’re the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he’s basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

 

15. Lucky the Leprechaun- Boston Celtics

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he'd probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he’d probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

 

16. Hugo T. Hornet- Charlotte Hornets

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair.  Or D. All of the above.

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair. Or D. All of the above.

 

17. Mavs Man- Dallas Mavericks

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn't have super powers but inherited his father's skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn’t have super powers but inherited his father’s skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

 

18. Clutch the Bear- Houston Rockets

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn't resemble a stuffed animal you'd give a baby to. What am I thinking?

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn’t resemble a stuffed animal you’d give a baby to. What am I thinking?

 

19. G-Man- Washington Wizards

Good News: Well, at least he's not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

Good News: Well, at least he’s not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

 

20. Bowser- Indianapolis Pacers

Sure he may dunk, but he’s more appropriate as a mascot for some animal shelter or a children’s show character since he’s so cuddly. Doesn’t seem intimidating at all. Was sent to the dog pound in 2010 where he may have been put to sleep, but I’m not sure.

 

NHL

 

1. Fin the Whale- Vancouver Canucks

If keeping killer whales in captivity for shows at Sea World hurts orcas then having a terrifying Fin the Whale as a mascot for the Canucks isn’t far behind. Let’s just say while orcas aren’t cute and cuddly, Fin doesn’t seem to represent them in a good light, especially when he tries to bite off children’s heads. Boy, I hope he doesn’t do anything to that boy with cancer.

 

2. Wild Wing- Anaheim Ducks

Well, he's basically what you'd have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he's out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th.

Well, he’s basically what you’d have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he’s out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th on ice.

 

3. Spartacat- Ottawa Senators

At first, you'd think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you'd probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

At first, you’d think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you’d probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

 

4. Stinger- Columbus Blue Jackets

Let's see, he's not cute, he's not furry, and he's not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he's getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won't get off his lawn. Let's just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

Let’s see, he’s not cute, he’s not furry, and he’s not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he’s getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won’t get off his lawn. Let’s just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

 

5. Youppi- Montreal Canadiens

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you'd expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he's the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you’d expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he’s the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

 

6. Sparky the Ice Dragon- New York Islanders

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should've stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children's show or Puff the Magic Dragon's evil twin brother. Also, he can't breathe fire, fly, and isn't a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should’ve stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children’s show or Puff the Magic Dragon’s evil twin brother. Also, he can’t breathe fire, fly, and isn’t a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

 

7. Harvey the Hound- Calgary Flames

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he's the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you'd think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would've been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he’s the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you’d think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would’ve been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

 

8. Al the Octopus- Detroit Red Wings

Of course, you'd think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus?  Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it's a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it's kind of scary looking.

Of course, you’d think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus? Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it’s a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it’s kind of scary looking.

 

9. Sabretooth- Buffalo Sabres

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you'd give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you’d give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

 

10. Thunderburg- Tampa Bay Lightning

You'd think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won't frighten kids.

You’d think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won’t frighten kids.

 

11. Stormy- Carolina Hurricanes

You'd think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn't make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children's cartoon for God's sake.

You’d think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn’t make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children’s cartoon for God’s sake.

 

12. Sully and Force- Vancouver Canucks

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

 

13. Bernie the Saint Bernard- Colorado Avalanche

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that dog from the Beethoven movie series.

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that troublemaking dog from the Beethoven movie series, you know the films most people watch because of the G-rating.

 

14. Carlton the Bear- Toronto Maple Leafs

Sure polar bears are animals you don't want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn't stick to your ass. Yeah, I'm talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials.

Sure polar bears are animals you don’t want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn’t stick to your ass. Yeah, I’m talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials. They say he has a history of TV marketing perhaps as the BIMBO Bread Bear in Latin America? Certainly not the kind of bear that could rip your arm off.

 

15. Boomer the Cannon- Columbus Blue Jackets

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there's just one problem. When he debuted as a "a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general," the fans didn't take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there’s just one problem. When he debuted as a “a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general,” the fans didn’t take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

College Mascots: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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Soon Back to School Season would be upon us and soon college kids will be returning to their schools. Of course, this means we’ll be upon the season for college sports such as football as you’d see on ESPN. Thus, we’ll be anticipating the return of the college mascots. These are loveable characters who’ve become personified symbols for our home teams. Whether a costumed student or a live animal, they spend their Saturday afternoons and/or evenings revving the crowd, engaging in hilarious hijinks, and on some occasions in NCAA Division I sports, beating the crap out of the other team’s mascot. Of course, my alma mater Saint Vincent College is a Division III school, Vinny the Bearcat  probably didn’t have the chance to beat up some of the other teams’ mascots, though he did launch T-shirt cannons. Yet, at least he’s a decent looking mascot despite being practically a cougar. I mean he’s fierce enough to strike fear into the other team yet cuddly enough not to make kids cry in photo ops. Nor does he cause a major embarrassment in the Saint Vincent Community. Still, I could talk all day about the great mascots and sideline heroes in college sports but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll show you the college mascots that may cause a lifetime of shame and embarrassment to the students who have to don the costumes. These mascots fail to instill any pride or excitement in the fans and have gotten mocked outright. At best, they roam anonymously on the sidelines. At worst, they are uneeded distractions with their mere existence as an excuse for an exercise in stupidity. So without further adieu, here is a collection of college mascots that probably shouldn’t be on the field.

1. Peter the Anteater- University of Irvine Anteaters

Demetri Martin once said that while it's possible to make something cool uncool, it's difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn't change the fact he's a long tongued creature that eats ants. I'm sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he'd be very a scary creature indeed, but it's not.

Demetri Martin once said that while it’s possible to make something cool uncool, it’s difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn’t change the fact he’s a long tongued creature that eats ants. I’m sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he’d be very a scary creature indeed, but it’s not.

2. Cayenne the Chili Pepper- University of Louisiana at Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he's a giant red pepper for God's sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?

Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he’s a giant red pepper for God’s sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?

3. Speedy the Geoduck- Evergreen State Geoducks

In case you don't know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should've gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.

In case you don’t know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should’ve gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.

4. Artie the Artichoke- Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes

Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a face for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn't and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a taste for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn’t and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

5. Sammy the Banana Slug- University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school's main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn't make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.

Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school’s main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn’t make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.

6. WuShock- Wichita State University Shockers

WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn't lead to people outside Wichita think that he's anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it's kind of creepy if you ask me.

WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn’t lead to people outside Wichita think that he’s anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it’s kind of creepy if you ask me.

7. The Fighting Okra- Delta State University Fighting Okra

Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that's going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.

Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that’s going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.

8. Keggy the Keg- Dartmouth University Big Green

Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent, especially if it's an ivy league college like Dartmouth?

Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent these aspects, especially if it’s an ivy league college like Dartmouth?

9. Scrotie- Rhode Island School of Design Nads

Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn't want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it.  I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I'm posting it anyway since you can't make something like this up.

Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn’t want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it. I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I’m posting it anyway since you can’t make something like this up.

10. Cy- Iowa State University Cyclones

Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don't. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Walter the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to capture the ISU spirit.

Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don’t. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Wally the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to win the fans’ hearts.

11. Puddles- University of Oregon Ducks

Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is remembered as Donald Duck's older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles' kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy,  and works for Walt Disney.

Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is best remembered as Donald Duck’s older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles’ kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy, and works for Disney.

12. Gaylord Camel- Campbell University Fighting Camels

Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be  Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell's fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.

Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell’s fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.

13. The Tree- Stanford University Cardinals

This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God's sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There's no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.

This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God’s sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There’s no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.

14. Sam the Minuteman- University of Massachusetts Minutemen

Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, "vote for me or I'll steal this baby's lollipop" than anything.

Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, “vote for me or I’ll steal this baby’s lollipop” than anything.

15. Pistol Pete- Oklahoma State University Sooners

Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State's mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese's. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn't stand Pistol Pete's drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.

Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State’s mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn’t stand Pistol Pete’s drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.

16. Goldy Gopher- University of Minnesota Goldy Gophers

On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we've all seen Caddyshack to know that they're pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children's show than a football game.

On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we’ve all seen Caddyshack to know that they’re pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children’s show than a football game.

17. Zippy Kangaroo – University of Akron Zips

Now don't get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty fierce and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn't seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would've been even more ridiculous.

Now don’t get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty unpredictable and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn’t seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would’ve been even more ridiculous.

18. Otto the Orange- University of Syracuse Orange

Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn't a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed.

Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn’t a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed. And as to how this Orange can survive in sub-zero weather probably means it was genetically modified.

19. Purdue Pete- Purdue University Boilermakers

Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?

Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?

20. Hokie Bird- Virginia Tech University Hokies

Let's face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren't known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic "other white meat" variety). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn't it?

Let’s face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren’t known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic “other white meat” variety though they aren’t pleasant). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn’t it?

21. Nittany Lion- Pennsyvania State University Nitany Lions

Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion's costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let's say the footie-pajama getup doesn't seem to help.

Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion’s costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let’s say the footie-pajama getup doesn’t seem to help. But the ladies seem to love him.

22. Big Red- Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers

What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace's long lost half-brother "represent the spirit of WKU?" Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can't decide.

What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace’s long lost half-brother “represent the spirit of WKU?” Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can’t decide.

23. Lil’ Red- University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers

Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil' Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a "21 and over" sign than a school sporting event.

Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil’ Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a “21 and over” sign than a school sporting event.

24. Brutus Buckeye- Ohio State University Buckeyes

Now hearing the name of "Brutus Buckeye" you'd think that Ohio State's mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn't even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don't live in Columbus or attended OSU.

Now hearing the name of “Brutus Buckeye” you’d think that Ohio State’s mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn’t even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don’t live in Columbus or attended OSU.

25. Oski- University of California-Berkeley Golden Bears

Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don't want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don’t want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.

26. Troll- Trinity College Trolls

Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.

Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.

27. Friar Dom- Providence College Friars

Don't get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it's a Dominican school. Yet, there's just something about Friar Dom's hollow eyes and grimacing smile that's kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.

Don’t get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it’s a Dominican school. Yet, there’s just something about Friar Dom’s hollow eyes and grimacing smile that’s kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.

28. Demon Deacon- Wake Forest University Demon Deacons

Look, if you want to have "Demon Deacons" as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster.

Look, if you want to have “Demon Deacons” as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster who’d probably get eaten by lions or trampled by elephants.

29. Rocky the Rocket- University of Toledo Rockets

Now there's nothing wrong with calling your team "the Rockets." But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?

Now there’s nothing wrong with calling your team “the Rockets.” But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?

30. The Billiken- Saint Louis University Billikens

Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.

Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair, an albino batboy or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.

31. The Fighting Pickle- University of North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles

Now what's stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his French beret and goatee, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.

Now what’s stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his Shakespearean hat and mask, French facial hair, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.

32. Kernel Cob- Concordia College Cobbers

Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can't decide.

Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, a maize monster in an alternative line of work, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can’t decide. Still, it’s pretty lame.

33. Captain Cane- University of Tulsa Hurricanes

For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he's Tulsa's mascot since he couldn't go back to work as an electrician and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.

For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he’s Tulsa’s mascot since he couldn’t go back to work as an electrical engineer and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.

34. The Blue Blob- Xavier University Musketeers

Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I'm sure Alexandre Dumas would've mentioned it in his books. Wouldn't he?

Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I’m sure Alexandre Dumas would’ve mentioned it in his books. Wouldn’t he?

35. Guntson- George Mason University Patriots

Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children's show rejected him.

Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children’s show rejected him. Of course, college mascot seems to be the alternative career path for many Sesame Street rejects for some reason.

36. The Boll Weevil- University of Arkansas -Monticello Boll Weevils

Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. Its a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.

Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. It’s a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.

37. Izzy the Islander- Texas A&M -Corpus Christi Islanders

Now I'd expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn't the whole "tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks," thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they're made out to be in the mass media.

Now I’d expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn’t the whole “tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks,” thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they’re made out to be in the mass media.

38. Gorlok- Webster University Gorloks

Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it's something Webster just made up. According to them, it's said to have a cheetah's paws, a buffalo's horn, and a Saint Bernard's. Yet, to me it reminds me of some large unknown predator on steroids.

Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it’s something Webster just made up. According to them, it’s said to have a cheetah’s paws, a buffalo’s horns, and a Saint Bernard’s face. Yet, to me it reminds me of some kind of wild feline on steroids.

39. Pete the Peacock- Upper Iowa University Peacocks

Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I'm not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women's hats is a good idea for a school mascot.

Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I’m not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women’s hats is a good idea for a school mascot. A real peacock is much more intimidating.

40. Gladys the Fighting Squirrel- Mary Baldwin College Flying Squirrels

Seriously,  this mascot seems to belong at a girls' softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls' softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn't into athletics very much.

Seriously, this mascot seems to belong at a girls’ softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls’ softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn’t into athletics very much or had their mascot chosen by 5-year old girls.

41. Joe Bruin- University of California-Los Angeles Bruins

Basically he's a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.

Basically he’s a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.

42. Super Frog- Texas Christian University Horned Frogs

Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It's the state reptile of Texas.  Yet,  TCU's Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.

Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It’s the state reptile of Texas. Yet, TCU’s Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.

43. The Leprechaun- Notre Dame University Fighting Irish

Now the "Fighting Irish" is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he's fresh off from Riverdance.

Now the “Fighting Irish” is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he’s fresh off from Riverdance.

44. Mr. Commodore- Vanderbilt University Commodores

Let's see, who's idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he's holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn't play to his specifications.

Let’s see, who’s idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he’s holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn’t play to his specifications.

45. Saluki- Southern Illinois University Salukis

Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.

Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.

46. Buzz- Georgia Institute of Technology Yellow Jackets

Now I don't know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it's that he looks too much like a bug and he's human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.

Now I don’t know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it’s that he looks too much like a bug and he’s human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.

47. The Battling Bishop- Ohio Wesleyan University Battling Bishops

Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.

Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.

48. The Penn Quaker- University of Pennsylvania Quakers

Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that's founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.

Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that’s founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.

49. Mortimer “Morty” McPestle- St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectics

For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school's mascot seems to be of a guy who's been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can't be good for him.

For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school’s mascot seems to be of a guy who’s been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can’t be good for him.

50. Sebastian the Ibis- Miami University Hurricanes

It's basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it's just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.

It’s basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it’s just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.

51. Benny the Beaver- Oregon State University Beavers

Now I don't know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.

Now I don’t know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.

52. Bucky Badger- University of Wisconsin Badgers

Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.

Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.

53. Lightning- Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders

Not to be outdone with mascot ridiculousness, MTSU basically took Tulsa’s Captain Cane and made it into a blue electric horse name Lightning. I suppose those at MTSU were either drunk or high at the time when they came up with this. Then again, MTSU’s previous mascot was Nathan Bedford Forrest so you might want to consider Lightning an improvement though he may tend to offend blue horses.

54. Willie Wave- Pepperdine University Waves

This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.

This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.

55. Austin Peay- Austin Peay State University Governors

Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.

Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.

56. John B. –Stetson University Hatters

Now he's probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.

Now he’s probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.

57. Scotty the Scotsman- Presbyterian College Blue Hose

For some reason I can't help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of think of this. I mean he's basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can't help imagining Scotty say, "They may take our ball and run with it to our side. They may deny us a chance for a championship but they'll never take our FREEEDOOOM!"

For some reason I can’t help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of this. I mean he’s basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can’t help imagining Scotty say, “They may take our ball and run with it to our side of the field. They may deny us a chance for an NCAA championship in a 50-0 game but they’ll never take our FREEEDOOOM!”

58. Gael Force One- Saint Mary’s College of California Gaels

Basically it's basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.

Basically it’s basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.

59. WebstUR- University of Richmond Spiders

That's not a spider. He's basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or a googly eyed frog with teeth.

That’s not a spider. He’s basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or one of the muppet character rejects from Sesame Street. To call that a spider is beyond me.

60. Sparky the Sun Devil- Arizona State University Sun Devils

I'm sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops, except on Halloween.

I’m sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down like a ball of fire, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops as if he’s eying his fans with malicious intent, except on Halloween.

61. The Blue Devil- Duke University Blue Devils

Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke's Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.

Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke’s Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.

62. The Mountaineer- West Virginia University Mountaineers

Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn't he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.

Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn’t he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.

63. Jonathan- University of Connecticut Huskies

Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you'd see at a furry convention. Seriously, it's an adult man in a husky costume, which isn't cute. It's creepy.

Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you’d see at a furry convention. Seriously, it’s an adult man in a husky costume, which isn’t cute. It’s creepy.

64. Testudo- University of Maryland Therapins

Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don't think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would've been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn't Maryland simply go with a crab?

Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don’t think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would’ve been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn’t Maryland simply go with a crab?

65. Paydirt Pete- University of Texas- El Paso Miners

Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.

Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.

66. Cocky- University of South Carolina Gamecocks

Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can't anyone see anything wrong with that?

Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can’t anyone see anything wrong with that?

67. Johnny Poet- Whittier College Poets

Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can't help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he's probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn't mean your mascot should be one.

Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can’t help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he’s probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn’t mean your mascot should be one.

68. YouDee – University of Delaware Fightn’ Blue Hens

Now I know Delaware's state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?

Now I know Delaware’s state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?

69. Ole- University of California-Santa Barbara Gauchos

This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!" Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.

This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!” Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.

70. R.B. Bbhoggawact-Austin Community College Riverbats

Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn't see eye to eye and had a big falling out.

Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn’t see eye to eye and had a big falling out. They haven’t spoken to each other since.

71. Ace Purple- University of Evansville Purple Aces

For some reason, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn't going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.

For some reason, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn’t going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.

72. Ephelia –Williams College Ephs

Okay, apparently Williams College's athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?

Okay, apparently Williams College’s athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?

73. The Student Prince- Heidelburg University Student Princes

Now Heidleburg's mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidleburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn't be caught dead in that.

Now Heidelburg’s mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidelburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn’t be caught dead in that.

74. Petey the Storm Petrel- Ogelthorpe University Storm Petrels

Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn't always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.

Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn’t always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.

75. Pete and Penny Penguin- Youngstown State University Penguins

Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceberg as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn't appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don't seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.

Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceburgh as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn’t appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don’t seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.