Meanwhile at Mount Fraught’s summit, Sunny spent her first night sleeping in a casserole dish in Count Olaf’s trunk. She was freezing cold and found it hard to nod off due to her teeth clattering that she bit her lip. Yet as soon as she started to get to sleep, Count Olaf woke her up and demands she make breakfast for him and his entourage. Now this is an impossible task for a baby, even one like Sunny. Besides, she doesn’t want to start a fire because of all the fires she and her siblings have endured before. Besides, her parents died in one. Not to mention, all the food in the trunk froze overnight. Still, being able to insult her captor at least makes the experience bearable. Sure Olaf and his troupe complains she’s not working fast enough. But Sunny does her best. When she has everything ready, she sets a nice table on a blanket covered stone with a centerpiece. Yet, despite preparing breakfast as a mere toddler, no one is impressed. In fact, Olaf rips the blanket off the stone and throws food everywhere as well as berates the little girl for not giving him a hot breakfast. In fact, he’s ready to throw her off the mountain until Esme intercedes saying that if he threw off Sunny, they won’t get the Baudelaire fortune.

The song I picked for this scene is “The Work Song” from Cinderella where her mouse friends are talking about how hard Cinderella has it waiting on her stepmother and stepsisters hand and foot. So they decide to make a dress for her to wear at the ball (though the stepsisters destroy it later). Now despite liking Disney movies, Cinderella has never been any of my favorites. But I use it anyone because it matches Count Olaf’s demanding nature toward Sunny. And in this version, he makes her get breakfast.

“Baby Sunny”

Sung by Count Olaf

Baby Sunny, Baby Sunny
Wake out now, I’m not funny
Make the fire, fix the breakfast
Get right to it, quit complaining
Don’t ask me, quit your babbling
Should I have to keep explaining?

She babbles like a parrot
While she’s very, very busy
Still I holler
Get the breakfast, Baby Sunny!

Why you floss, you don’t need it
Unless your victim has a weak neck
Your hooks and hands fight’s just stupid
There’s nothing to it, really
No one cares about your problems
So you can screw it

We’ll cover this large stone
With this blanket for a table
For God’s sake make us breakfast, Baby Sunny

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
Pick the slack up, Baby Sunny
Got no time to dilly-dally
You gotta get a-goin’
Don’t make us wait forever!
What’s with all the slowing
Can you get a fucking move on?
Since we’re all fucking starving

Do you really call this this breakfast, Baby Sunny?
See how you’d like a mountain drop, Baby Sunny

When they join the Snow Scouts, Bruce ask the elder Baudelaires to tell a story as they eat marshmallows before bed. But Carmelita thinks everyone should listen to her story, which is mostly a boring yard on how wonderful she is. Yet, there’s a boy Snow Scout in a sweater who’s conveying to them in V.F.D. terms like “Volunteer Feline Detectives” and “Very Fine Drama.” Violet and Klaus relay to the sweater boy with terms like they’re not having a “Very Fun Day,” the last thing they ate was “Vinegar-Flavored Donuts,” the snow gnats are “Violent Frozen Dragonflies” and like “Voracious Fierce Dragon.” The sweatered scout suggests “Vain Fat Dictator.” Bruce later gets bored with their banter so he lets Carmelita tell her tale. After everyone goes to bed, the sweatered boy wakes the elder Baudelaires, and tells them to go with him. Since he knows a shortcut to V.F.D. headquarters at the Valley of Four Drafts. And there they go through the Vertical Flame Diversion. Nonetheless, Violet and Klaus aren’t sure whether to trust him since they don’t know who this mysterious boy is.

The song I went with here is “Little Lotte/The Mirror” from The Phantom of the Opera. In the original version, Christine and Raoul get reacquainted with each other after so many years apart. Yet, after Raoul leaves, the Phantom jealously yells at Christine for spending time with him. Mostly because Erik feels entitled to his beautiful pupil and doesn’t want any other guy to have her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires meet with the mysterious sweatered scout. Still, this song gets pretty creepy.

“The Signal”

Bruce:
C’mon newbies, tell us a story
Before we feast on some marshmallows
Before we all go to bed

Carmelita:
Uncle
Everyone should listen to mine

Quigley:
Oh, I’d love to hear a
Very fascinating drama

Violet:
Haven’t a very fun day

Klaus:
All we ate were just Vinegar Flavored Donuts, eew

Violet:
God, those violent frozen dragonflies
Bite so much they’d eat you alive
And we didn’t even come with much supplies

Klaus:
More like voracious fierce dragons in my eyes

Quigley:
How about that vain fat dictator?

Carmelita:
Their constant chat’s boring me to tears
Uncle, can I tell everyone a story
About how adorable and wonderful I am?
I’m sure everyone would want to hear it

Bruce:
Oh, no doubt of it – go ahead.

Violet:
Who are you and how do you know about V.F.D.?

Quigley:
Well, we’ll discuss that later.

Snow Scouts:
Oh, God, Carmelita, uhhh

Quigley:
Let’s have some marshmallows
Then we’ll talk after everyone’s asleep.
I promise you, fellow scouts.

Klaus:
We can’t wait.

Quigley:
Come, Baudelaires
I know a shortcut
To the headquarters

Klaus:
How do we know
You can be trusted
You’re just a mere stranger

Quigley:
Sorry, we’ve got no
Time for questions
Got to find headquarters

See that large gap on
The ceiling
Lets out smoke from fire

It’s called Vertical
Flame Diversion
And secret passageway
Through Valley of Four Drafts
And climb we may!

Violet:
How do you know this?
Guide and stranger!
Can you explain to us?

Quigley:
I’ve read a book of
Mortmain Mountains
Borrowed from Monty’s library

Violet:
Yet, why should we trust you?
How did you end up at Monty’s?

Quigley:
I know what xenial means
But that doesn’t prove anything

Violet:
That doesn’t mean we can trust you

Quigley:
I’m well-read and less likely evil

Klaus:
What the hell, he’s got a point

Inside the cave, the elder Baudelaires meet with a troop of Snow Scouts led by a man named Bruce. Yet, they’re greeted by a girl they really didn’t want to see again, Carmelita Spats. Yes, the monumental brat who you’d want to push off a mountainside. Not to mention, she’s an all around bitch who refers to many of her fellow scouts as “cakesniffers” along with the Baudelaires. And surprising to no one, she doesn’t want her former classmates to stay but Bruce intervenes since Snow Scouts are supposed to be accommodating. Anyway, these kids are on their way to Mount Fraught’s summit to celebrate False Spring and where Carmelita will be crowned False Spring Queen. Because Bruce is her actual uncle. Yet, at least Bruce lets the elder Baudelaires stay where they don fencing masks on their faces to protect against the snow gnats and conceal their identities.

For the Snow Scouts introduction, I decided to go with “Jets Song” from West Side Story. The original version has the Jets sing about who they are and what they’re going to do to the Sharks after the big dance that night. In this version, I lengthened the spoken parts as well as have the Snow Scouts introduce themselves.

“Snow Scout Song”

Carmelita:
Hey, you, cakesniffers!

Bruce:
Looks like we have visitors, what are your names?

Violet:
We’re weary mountain travelers seeking shelter from the snow gnats for awhile.

Carmelita:
We shouldn’t let these cakesniffers stay, Uncle Bruce. They’ll be intruding on our Snow Scouts camping trip.

Bruce:
Now, Carmelita, remember what the Snow Scout Pledge says. We must be accommodating to our guests.

Carmelita:
Accommodating, schmommodating. When are we getting to the top of Mount Fraught so I can be crowned False Spring Queen?

Bruce:
The name’s Bruce, but you can call me Uncle Bruce, although I’m almost certainly not your real uncle. Welcome to the Snow Scouts, travelers, where all of us are meek. In fact, we’re accommodating, basic, calm…Now Snow Scouts let’s chant the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.

Snow Scouts:
Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered – every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!

Bruce:
Wind noise.

Snow Scouts: (Whistle noise)

Klaus:
What the hell was that?

Carmelita:
Look at those cakesniffers with a coat on their heads.

Violet:
We’re meek because we don’t like people to see us.

Bruce:
Well, you’ll fit right in. Someone give these two masks. So let’s do the pledge again.

Quigley: Hold on.

When you’re a Scout
You’re a Scout all the way
From your first Snow Scout pledge
To your last dyin’ day.

When you’re a Scout,
If the shit hits the fan,
You got buddies around,
You’ve got family, man!

You’re never alone,
You’re never disconnected!
You’re home with your own:
When company’s expected,
You’re well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital S,
Which you’ll never forget
Till you grow up someday
When you’re a Scout,
You stay a Scout!

Here are your snow masks. Will keep the gnats off your face and hide your ID.

Bruce:
That’s nice, Sweater Boy, but let’s recite the pledge again.

Snow Scouts:
Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered – every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long! (Whistle Noise)

Klaus:
How can anyone be xylophone? Xenial might be a better fit since it’s synonymous with hospitable.

Bruce:
You can’t change the pledge after you printed it on a bunch of coats. Besides, it wasn’t my idea.

Violet:
What’s false spring?

Klaus:
Think it’s supposed to be a warm interval between April snowfalls in Pennsylvania.

Carmelita:
Cakesniffers, you don’t know anything.

False Spring is when it starts to get warm
Before getting real cold on the mountain again
Up on Mount Fraught we hike to celebrate
Where they crown me False Spring Queen, it’s gonna be great

Quigley:
We only crown her False Bring Queen because Bruce is her uncle.

Carmelita:
Or you’re jealous cause I’m so adorable.

Snow Scouts:
Shut up, Carmelita!

Carmelita:
Shut up, Cakeniffers!

Snow Scouts:
When you’re a Scout,
You’re the top cat in town,
You’re the gold medal kid
With the heavyweight crown!

When you’re a Scout,
You’re the swingin’est thing:
You go up to Mount Fraught
For observing False Spring

Don’t worry in here,
Of creatures hibernating
Soldier bears disappeared
While lion detectives have now migrated

We are the Scouts
In our snowflake coats
We go camping in caves
And we don’t mind the snow

We are the Scouts
Join us for story time
We eat marshmallows
Before we all say goodnight

And when it’s False Spring
We’ll arrive on the summit
We all dance and sing
Around the tall spring pole
While our queen can shove it

We are the Scouts
Yeah! And we are swell tots
Every one of us kids
Climbing up on Mount Fraught!
Climbing up!
Ever!
Mother!
Lovin’!
Fraught!
Yeah!

While her older siblings are trying to get out a rushing caravan and fleeing snow gnats, Sunny is Count Olaf’s hostage as he and his crew drive up to Mount Fraught. Not surprisingly, she had cried all the way up to the mountain while on Esme’s lap. Until Olaf threatens her. Once at the site, Sunny is treated as a slave in which she’s made to hitch tents and cook the meals, chores no baby or toddler should ever do. Though she has to sleep in Olaf’s trunk with a casserole dish for a bed. She’s also quite lonely since nobody understands her. Yet, at least she knows that her older siblings would see her. Still, Olaf’s quite happy with how things are going since he believes that Violet and Klaus are dead (they’re not). All he has to do is find V.F.D. headquarters and burn it down with its contents. Not to mention, False Spring is around the corner.

The song I went with is “Up on the Roof” by the Drifters. Written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, the original version pertains to an urban romantic dream at the New York City Brill Building. In this version, I have Count Olaf sing about being on Mount Fraught and how good things are going for him.

“Up on Mount Fraught”

Sung by Count Olaf

Troupe:
Up on Mount Fraught
Up on Mount Fraught

Count Olaf:
Once done with setting Caligari aflame
While Violet and Klaus Baudelaire fly down to certain death (Up on Mount Fraught)
We drive all the way to the top of Mount Fraught
With Sunny as my chip for the Baudelaire assets (Up on Mount Fraught)

On Mount Fraught, we all just have to find
Is V.F.D.’s home site and all its files
Let me tell you now

Let’s make camp here since we’re tired and beat
Let Sunny go pitch the tents and make the treats (Up on Mount Fraught)
She’ll sleep inside the trunk of my car
While doing all of her chores for us for free (Up on Mount Fraught)

On Mount Fraught, she’ll probably won’t escape
Since she really has no other place to go
Right here up on Mount Fraught (Up on Mount Fraught)

Of course, it’ll be years until she’s eighteen
And when she is, we’ll all wipe her bank clean
I keep-a tellin’ you

Right smack dab at the Mortmain Mountains
The V.F.D. home base will go aflame (Up on Mount Fraught)
We’ll torch the file detailing our crimes
We’ll burn it to the ground up on Mont Fraught (Up on Mount Fraught)

Up on Mount Fraught (Up on Mount Fraught)
Oh, strike it, orphan (Up on Mount Fraught)
Oh, come on, work it (Up on Mount Fraught)
Everything is all right (Up on Mount Fraught)

According to Lemony Snicket, the snow gnats of the Mortmain Mountains swarm around to sting people for no reason whatsoever. Violet and Klaus find themselves in the middle of a swarm of them. Though their stings aren’t very poisonous to people, they won’t go away if you ignore them. But they don’t like fire, which doesn’t work out for the elder Baudelaires. So they decide to throw a coat over their heads. So they decide to hide  in a nearby cave, which Violet isn’t very happy about. Since there may be hibernating animals around. But they don’t have much choice.

The song I chose for this part is Donovan’s “Mellow Yellow.” The original version was rumored to be about dried banana skins which was believed to be used as an hallucinogenic drug in the 1960s. But that has been debunked. However, Donovan did admit its “electric banana” refers to a vibrator. Nevertheless, he reaffirmed that the song is really about, “it’s about being cool, laid-back, and also the electrical bananas that were appearing on the scene – which were ladies’ vibrators.” Also, Paul McCartney was one of the background revelers though it was Donovan himself who whispered “quite rightly.” In this song, Klaus discusses the snow gnats.

“Stinging Snow Gnats”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

I’ve read something on snow gnats
Heard they all swarm and sting
Though they’re mildly toxic
They’re quite a pain in the ass

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

Let’s put the coat on for cover
Hope it’ll just do the trick
Though they really hate fire
It’s not among our alternatives

They call them stinging snow gnats
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

There’s a cave not too far by
Guess we must take a chance
Yes, we might startle a bear
But they won’t give up in attack

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

Ouch, stinging snow gnats

I know this is risky
But we must seek a cave
Since you just can’t ignore them
Just got to find a way to evade

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

God, snow gnats, Ouch
They’re a pain in the ass
I just want to escape from snow gnats
Got to go into that cave

They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats (Quite rightly)
They call them stinging snow gnats

Oh, they’re stinging
Shit, those snow gnats

Since the caravan fell off the cliff so quickly after Violet and Klaus got out, the elder Baudelaires didn’t have time to gather supplies or much of anything. So they have to make do to what they managed to salvage and it’s not reassuring. Klaus has a poncho, pitcher, sweater, and mirror while Violet’s got a coat, ukulele, and bread knife. In regards to supplies, they don’t have anything useful besides the clothes they got. Since they have no transport and given Klaus’s photographic memory, the elder Baudelaires decide to hike up the mountain themselves. Because that’s where Count Olaf seems heading and where Sunny will be. Not to mention, there’s V.F.D. headquarters which might help them find a possible surviving parent. That means they’ll have to head up the Stricken Stream which is in a grayish black though there may be caves nearby. Yet, before long, they run into snow gnats.

The song I picked here was Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah’s “Lake Shore Drive” which is about an expressway around Lake Michigan in Chicago and featured in the second Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus discussing their situation in the Mortmain Mountains as they set off on their tedious journey.

“Uphill Climb”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Here’s a coat for you from the caravan, for a colder uphill climb
On Mount Fraught is where Olaf’s at, so we better get supplies
Got a coat beside a bread knife, ukulele for the fire
Not well suited for a mountain climb, but we must get by
Guess this’ll be a long cold journey for both of us, start on uphill climb

Both:
Count Olaf has our Sunny
Atop of Mount Fraught
Starting up our uphill climb, hope she can be found
Need to find base of V.F.D., anytime trouble bound

Klaus:
We follow up from the Stricken Stream, I think we can get by
If we ever need a place to sleep, we can stop inside caves nearby
I’ve got a pitcher, mirror, sweater, and poncho if you must surmise
But we must start on our journey, walking an uphill climb
Better move up the mountainside to find Sunny, though we lack supplies

Both:
Count Olaf has our Sunny
Atop of Mount Fraught
Starting up our uphill climb, hope she can be found
Need to find base of V.F.D., anytime trouble bound

Violet:
We’re climbing up and we don’t have food
Klaus, what did you want to say?
I’m sure Count Olaf won’t hurt her much, since he’ll assume we’re already dead
Don’t list why the Stricken Stream is a grayish black or talk about Mom or Dad
Give me the poncho, you wear the sweater, what’s that large cloud of black?
Wonder how we’d find a way to escape, from the swarm of stinging snow gnats

Both:
Count Olaf has our Sunny
Atop of Mount Fraught
Starting up our uphill climb, hope she can be found
Need to find base of V.F.D., anytime trouble bound

Before I go on with my musical for A Series of Unfortunate Events, I’d like to warn my viewers that there will be major spoilers ahead for those who’ve watched the Netflix series but haven’t read the books from this point on. As of May 2018, its third season is in production as we speak and won’t be out until next year. So if you don’t want to be spoiled right now, I’d recommend you don’t see read my ASOUE song parodies after The Carnivorous Carnival. Thank you.

When we left off, Count Olaf had just kidnapped Sunny as he and his henchmen headed up toward the Mortmain Mountains, leaving Violet and Klaus trapped on a rapidly moving caravan with contents flying around them while whizzing to almost certain death. Immediately Violet and Klaus shed their two-headed person costume while the elder takes charge of the situation. Violet hangs hammocks out the door to use as a drag chute while Klaus mixes in whatever he finds in the kitchen to pour onto the wheels slowing it down enough for them to get out. Once that’s done, Violet and Klaus haul a table out to bring the caravan to a stop. Turns out, if they didn’t stop the caravan in time, the elder Baudelaires would’ve easily fell to their deaths. Yet, as soon as Violet and Klaus get out, the caravan rolls toward the edge of a cliff before it falls and hits the bottom with a quiet crash. Let’s just say, these two narrowly escaped that one.

The song I decided to use for this moment is Queen’s “Headlong.” Written by lead guitarist Brian May, it was released as a single in 1991 for its Innuendo album. They also shot the promotional music video for it some 12 months before lead singer Freddie Mercury died of AIDS. The original version is about rushing into something head first without preparation or thinking of the consequences. In this version, the elder Baudelaires are sort of rushing headlong though it has more to do with being on a moving caravan heading toward a cliff than anything. While Violet and Klaus try to stop it before they fall along with it.

“Headlong” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
And we’re rushing headlong down from a steep hill
And we’re rushing headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping and there’s nothin’
You can do about it
Nothin’ you can do
No there’s nothin’ you can do about it
No there’s nothin’ you can, nothin’ you can
Nothin’ you can do about it

Klaus:
And we’re rushing headlong down from a steep hill
And we’re rushing headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping and there’s nothin’
You can do about it
Yeah

Klaus:
Vi, we really need a plan to stop this caravan

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do

Klaus:
The contents are already flying around us, man

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do

Now it’s time to shed our freak disguise
Gotta make a drag chute, because a brake won’t fly
Help me with the hammocks
Cause we can’t be picky since I’m hanging them out
But we really need something stick

Both:
Headlong down the steep slope and we’re rushing
Headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping and you can’t stop rockin’
And there’s nothin’ you can, nothin’ you can
Nothin’ you can do about it

Klaus:
Got a wide array of condiments in this cabinet

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do (ho)

Klaus:
You got everything from hot mustard to blackstrap molasses

Violet:
Hoop diddy diddy hoop diddy do

Mix them altogether in a bowl large and round
Then throw the mix on the wheels to slow them down
I’m using the Sumac for tying these hammocks
Haul a table out the door
As a brake to stop, its rushing headlong

Both:
Headlong out of control, yeah
We think we’re so strong
There ain’t no stopping and there’s nothin’ you, nothin’ you
Nothin’ you can do about it at all

Yeah yeah alright go

And it’s rushing headlong down a steep hill
And it’s rushing headlong out of control
And we think we’re so strong
But there ain’t no stopping
There’s nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ you can do about it, yeah
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ha ha
Headlong
Yeah yeah
Headlong
Yeahaw
Headlong