Tag Archives: Literature

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “When I Was a Lad”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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In A Series of Unfortunate Events, the Baudelaires encounter plenty of adults you might consider as idiots, a word which here means, “if they’re not affiliated with the villainous Count Olaf or guaranteed to die for being too good for this sinful earth, they’re most likely incompetent or unable to help the Baudelaires in any meaningful way.” But there is no adult in this series who’s as utterly useless and idiotic as Mulctuary Money Management’s most famous banker, Mr. Arthur Poe. In the ASOUE books, Mr. Poe is the guy who’s in charge of managing the vast Baudelaire fortune the kids are set to inherit when Violet turns 18. Yet, he’s also the guy who sends the Baudelaire orphans to their respective guardians and is the last guy you’d want associated with child services. Seriously, Mr. Poe doesn’t know the meaning of the word, “background check.” Still, throughout the series, he is blatantly ignorant, easily gullible when he shouldn’t be, and never listens to the Baudelaires. This despite that he should know better. Furthermore, he thinks the kids will be safe wherever they end up despite the Count Olaf always finds them. Sure he might mean well, but he always proves so unhelpful to the orphans that Lemony Snicket thinks a jar of mustard would be better equipped to keep them out of danger. And I don’t think I can disagree since he seems the most useless adult in the Snicketverse, which is no small feat considering the stiff competition.

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As for musical numbers, a great song to characterize him would be “When I Was a Lad” from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta HMS Pinafore. In the play, this is the introductory song of First Lord of Admiralty Sir Joseph K. Porter who describes his rise through law and politics to become head of the Queen’s Navy. Despite that he has absolutely no experience with any sort of naval command or ship. Kind of like how Donald Trump has no experience in government but 60 million people voted him to be president and now we’re stuck with him in the White House. Anyway, what’s interesting about Admiral Porter is that he’s based on a real guy named W.H. Smith who became First Lord of Admiralty despite having no navy background whatsoever. The joke with Porter in this song was more about the massive corruption involved as he recounts his rise through law, politics, and eventually his current position almost entirely thanks to nepotism. Smith’s reputation never recovered because the 19th century Brits never let him live it down. Seriously, the Band of Royal Marines greeted him with this song during his visit to Portsmouth. And Benjamin Disraeli often privately referred to him as “Pinafore Smith.” Though my ASOUE version of this song gives Mr. Poe plenty of relevant experience, I do add a stinger on why you wouldn’t want to entrust him with your kids.

 

“When I Was a Lad” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Mr. Poe

Mr. Poe:
When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to this financial firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.

Chorus:
He polished up the handle of the big front door.

Mr. Poe:
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus.
He polished up that handle so carefullee,
That now he is an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the statements with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand.

Chorus:
He copied all the letters in a big round hand.

Mr. Poe:
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
He copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now he is an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
In serving statements I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute.

Chorus:
For the pass examination at the Institute.

Mr. Poe:
That pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
That pass examination did so well for he,
That now he is an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
Of financial knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the management.
And that junior management, I began,
As executor of various wealthy families.

Chorus:
As executor of various wealthy families.

Mr. Poe:
The Baudelaires and Quagmires most famously,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
The Baudelaires and Quagmires most famously,
That now I am an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
I grew so rich that I was sent
Promoted to senior management.
I always heeded at my bank’s call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.

Chorus:
He never thought of thinking for himself at all.

Mr. Poe:
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me an executive at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
He thought so little, they rewarded he
By making him an executive at Mulctuary!

Mr. Poe:
Now young clerks all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn’t fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

Chorus:
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

Mr. Poe:
Stick close to your desks and never see your kids,
And you all may be executives at Mulctuary!

Chorus:
Stick close to your desks and never see your kids,
And you all may be executives at Mulctuary!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Deacon Blues”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Of course, A Series of Unfortunate Events wouldn’t be the memorable young adult series we know and love without its remarkable narrator Lemony Snicket. In real life, he’s merely a pseudonym for the books’ real author, Daniel Handler who also uses it to write children’s books. But in the ASOUE books and the prequel series All the Wrong Questions, he’s also a character. Though in public, it’s said that Handler is publicly alleged to be Snicket’s “legal literary and social representative.” In A Series of Unfortunate Events, he’s a wanted fugitive who’s charged himself with chronicling the lives of the Baudelaire orphans. He’s a very depressed man who’s mourning for his deceased love Beatrice whom he dedicates every book to along with his previous life being framed for a series of crimes he didn’t commit. His outlook on life is darkly humorous. In his narration, he can be brutally honest and sometimes savage. His constantly definition of words and sometimes condescending and patronizing way of speaking is likely a parody and satire of how kids’ books are dumbed down and treat readers like idiots. In the books, you never see his face in his About the Author blurb photograph. Though you can see him in full view on the TV show as portrayed by Patrick Warburton.

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As an introductory song for him, I thought Steely Dan’s “Deacon Blues” would be more appropriate. It’s a jazzy but sad tune about an aspiring jazz musician struggling to make it big characterized by the late Walter Becker as a “loser” as the subject was meant to reflect, “… a broken dream of a broken man living a broken life.” In A Series of Unfortunate Events, Lemony Snicket is certainly a broken man living a broken life. He’s a wanted man who has to constantly go on the lam for crimes he didn’t do. While he still carries a torch for the love of his life who he could’ve and should’ve married. But she ended up with another man and later died. Perhaps he sees researching and writing about the Baudelaires as a way to redeem himself or perhaps honor the memory of an ex-girlfriend he never really got over. Nonetheless, this is a song that’s perfect for a man like Lemony Snicket.

 

“Deacon Blues” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Lemony Snicket

This is the tale by the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers, wild gamblers
That’s all in the past

You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
This task is sad
But I’m already on the team
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I’ll find out this time
I’m ready to cross that fine line

Chronicle the Baudelaires
I’ll find just what I need
Conduct research all day long
And cry myself to sleep
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of failed romance
Sharing the things I know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind

I play my accordion
Through each depressing scene
Fantasize about Beatrice
Of what our lives could’ve been
I leave when the sun goes down
Avoiding every cop in town
I’m now on my own
I’ll drive these kids’ story home

Chronicle the Baudelaires
I’ll find just what I need
Conduct research all day long
And cry myself to sleep
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

This is the tale by the expanding man
I take one last drag
As I go on the lam
I cry when I write these books
Sue me if I get it wrong
There’s so much to see
You’ll probably not see me

I chronicle the Baudelaires
I’ll find just what I need
Conduct research all day long
And cry myself to sleep
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Briny Beach”

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Dear Viewer,

The musical you’re about to view is extremely unpleasant. It tells an unhappy tale of three unlucky children. Despite being charming and clever, the Baudelaire siblings lead lives filled with misery and woe. From this very post when the children are on Briny Beach and receive terrible news, continuing through the entire story, disaster lurks on every corner. One might think they’re magnets for misfortune. 

Throughout this musical, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, disastrous fires, paper-thin disguises, plots to steal their fortune, and numerous dreadful pop song parodies from musicals and rock albums. 

It is my sad duty to chronicle this series of unfortunate events, but there’s nothing preventing you from clicking on any ads or looking from some happier post on this blog. Or even looking for something happy, if that’s what you prefer. Like the Hunger Games parody songs.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

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Alongside the Harry Potter books, A Series of Unfortunate Events was among my favorite books during my adolescence. Like The Hunger Games series, it doesn’t revolve around nice stuff. But at least it doesn’t involve teenagers fighting to the death in live television. But it does pertain to a serial killer who pursues and wreaks havoc on three precocious orphaned children for their money as they move from guardian to guardian. Filled with dark humor, literary and cultural allusions, sarcastic story-telling as well as a lot of content you wouldn’t deem appropriate for children like gory death scenes, this 13-book coming-of-age series isn’t the kind of story you’d think would make a good light-hearted musical. But now that its second season has been adapted for a Netflix series, it doesn’t hurt to try. Especially if the show stars Neil Patrick Harris as Count Olaf and how the setting is entrenched in a world that’s very unlike our own. Besides, A Series of Unfortunate Events is a very dark series which can be a little fun with crazy costumes, eccentric characters, and dystopic feel taken to existential absurdity.

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Note: These songs are parodies. And no, I don’t have permission. But screw them since I think it’s funny. But feel free to make videos of these if you wish, but for God’s sake just give me credit. Some of the lyrics might not be original since I usually copy and paste them before I add my own additions. And I sometimes leave them in if I think it might go well with the song. Nevertheless, the songs chronology may conform to the books at first. But I’ll also add other songs as I go along which won’t conform to the sequence in later additions. So don’t be surprised if these are out of order.

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Anyway, this number is set in the first book where Mr. Poe arrives at Briny Beach to tell the Baudelaires orphans that their parents have died in a fire at their mansion. I thought the appropriate song to parody here could be “Coat of Many Colors” from Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now this is a rather upbeat musical from the 1970s that’s often performed in high schools around the US today. But keep in mind it’s about a young man whose jealous brothers basically abduct him and sold him to slavery like the original Bible story. Also, it has a lot of adult content like the sexual harassment scene with Popitar’s wife. But in this song, Joseph receives his fancy coat and is unaware of what his older brothers will do to him. And by this point, while the Baudelaire children may be sad about their parents and their house, they don’t know all the unfortunate events that’ll await them by this point.

 

“Briny Beach”

Lemony Snicket:
What you’re seeing is an incredibly depressing play
Of three unlucky kids with lives of great malaise
So go see something with more uplift
Perhaps Les Miserables

Violet the eldest, had a great inventor’s mind
Klaus the middle, loved to read in his spare time
And baby Sunny, she loved to bite
The three young Baudelaires-

Their lives started out as sweet
Till that day at Briny Beach

From a visit from a banker named Mr. Poe

Mr. Poe:
Sorry, kids, but what you need to know is

Afraid your house burned in a fire
Where your parents soon expired
Not sure if they could’ve seen the danger
I could not imagine any danger
But they perished in that fiery blaze at home.
As family executor, you will stay with me tonight
Don’t you worry for I’ve already called my wife
But only for the next few days
Until we find you a better place to live

You’ll live with nearby kin
The next four years
Your family’s fortune safe
Till Violet comes of age
Don’t worry for we’ll soon find
A new guardian for you

Lemony Snicket:
And from that day on
The kids knew their carefree days were gone
But they didn’t imagine any danger
Or that Mr. Poe can’t screen any stranger

He took them to their home
Or what’s left of it I suppose
Such a sorry wreckage of a mansion
You can’t even employ a restoration
There were burned books, singed hooks, cinder,
And ash
Their whole house was
Reduced to wreckage from the fire

Violet and Klaus:
There was not much left
For us to take
It’s time to go
To Mr. Poe’s
Our life is so unfair

Lemony Snicket:
The orphans missed their mom and dad
But Poe’s sons were spoiled brats
Made a pair of really shitty roommates

Violet and Klaus:
Asked us whether we killed our own parents

Lemony Snicket:
But things will soon get worse
You’d think these kids were cursed
Shortly they’re fostered by Count Olaf
Some cousin these orphans never heard of

Lemony Snicket, Violet and Klaus, Ensemble & Children
They lost their parents, their home, their books,
Their beds, their clothes, their furniture,
Their photos, their toys, their board games,
Their contraptions, their china, their jewelry,
Their suitcases, their utensils, their stove,
Their dressers, their desks, their pencils,
Their crayons, their chew toys, their manuals,
Their purses, their antiques, their tables,
Their chairs, their counters, their electronics,
Their vacuums, their trash cans, their laundry
Their ribbons, their cribs, their cabinets,
Their hooks, their lamps, their files,
Their papers, their cleaners, their doors,
Their windows, their blankets, their sheets,
And roof

Green Eggs and Hamtastic Dr. Seuss Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Roast Beast

Aside from Green Eggs and Ham, Dr. Seuss doesn’t really get into food as much as some of the fantastical stuff in his books. Though there is The Battle Butter Book where the Yooks and the Zooks engage in an arms race over a disagreement on buttering one’s bread. Yes, it sounds silly but the ending is truly dark and disturbing since it escalated to nukes. Then there’s also a book about making the best scrambled eggs with the eggs coming from various exotic birds. Oh, and the fact the Grinch steals the roast beast along with other forms of Who food including the last can of Who hash. Nevertheless, when you look on Pinterest, you’d find so many Dr. Seuss treats for themed parties. Of course, these are mostly for kids. Yet, many of them can be quite whimsical nonetheless. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Dr. Seuss treats.

  1. Dr. Seuss cake pops should always come in spectacular patterns.

Yes, these are certainly in great Seussical patterns in red, white, and light blue. But they won’t be the only ones you’ll see on this post.

2. The best kind of Dr. Seuss cake has green eggs and ham on top.

This is for a baby’s first birthday party. But it comes with  its own set of cupcakes.

3. You’ll be amazed to find what’s in this Truffula cake.

Indeed, it has plenty of pastel layers inside. Though the Truffulas on it hardly look impressive.

4. You don’t need a special occasion to eat a slice of bread with the Cat in the Hat.

After all, it contains the iconic red and white stripe hat. Also, is in a rather crazy design.

5. Perhaps a Cat in the Hat fruit salad platter can entice you.

Mostly consist of strawberry and banana slices. Yet, makes for a healthy snack for a kid’s party.

6. Hope you have a heart for these Grinch Oreo cookie treats.

Sure the heart might be small. And these are more suited for Christmas. But the Grinch is an iconic character in the Seuss canon.

7. There’s nothing more unforgettable than a cake featuring Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Another first birthday cake in 3 tiers. Still, it’s a bit more festive and Seusslike than the first one.

8. This Lorax lunch will satisfy anyone who speaks for the trees.

Includes a Lorax sandwhich and some Truffula tree treets. Contains a side of broccoli.

9. No child could resist this lunch from the Cat in the Hat.

Yet, the hat seems to be quite small for his head. Yet, the sandwich is certainly in his likeness.

10. No dessert platter is complete without this whimsical Dr. Seuss cake.

Contains imagery from the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. So cute.

11. There’s something fishy about these cupcakes.

Most of these contain one fish. Some have two. Some of these are red. And some of these are blue.

12. For healthier options, check out these Cat in the Hat fruit snacks.

Sure they may contain marshmallow heads with his face. But the hats consist of strawberry and banana.

13. With this cake, think of all the places you’ll go.

Funny how this cake is based on a kid’s book given to graduates. Still, you have to love the colors.

14. Cotton candy makes great tuffs for Truffula trees.

Yet, remember that cotton candy mostly consist of sugar. But you can easily see why they’re great for Truffula trees.

15. If you like Green Eggs and Ham and the Cat in the Hat, then check out this cake.

Even has a long fork into the green ham at the top. Also love the striped hat underneath it.

16. For a hot lunch, you can’t go wrong with a Lorax quesadilla.

Nice that it has some cheesy eyes and a mustache of cheddar. And though it’s not orange, it greatly resembles him.

17. A Lorax pizza can certainly make anyone’s day.

Contains olive eyes and a cheddar mustache. And it’s quite small as you see it next to a spoon.

18. If you liked the Bar-ba-loots, I suppose you’ll take to these snacks.

Funny how they don’t seem to have stuff pertaining to the Humming Fish and the Swamee Swans. Still, these consist of chocolate teddy bear crackers and mini marshmallows.

19. For healthier options, this Lorax lunch is a real treat.

Contains fruit and veggie Truffula trees. Yet, the Lorax here is extra cheesy.

20. These Dr. Seuss cupcakes can’t be beat on any dessert platter.

Includes toppers from the Lorax, Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Some of them even have quotes, too.

21. If you’re into the zany, this Dr. Seuss cake will certainly suit you.

Depicts many of your old favorites as you can see. Also, has some crazy decor on the top.

22. If you like Green Eggs and Ham, then you’ll love this bento lunch.

Okay, I think there might be green egg candies and dyed ham. But at least it’s among orange rice.

23. Speaking of Green Eggs and Ham, how about these cupcakes?

These are green velvet cupcakes with green and white icing on them. Still, wonder what the ham cake looks like with these.

24. Nothing makes a great Dr. Seuss birthday party like Cat in the Hat pizza.

Sure it mainly consists of pepperoni. But its perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

25. I’m positive anyone will eat this Green Eggs and Ham cake.

Yes, it’s a cake consisting of green eggs and ham for someone’s birthday. Nevertheless, it almost resembles the illustration.

26. These Sneetch Oreo truffle bites are hard to resist.

Some of these contain two stars. Others just one. But each is special in its own way.

27. If you want healthy snacks, you can’t go wrong with a fruity Thing 1 and Thing 2.

These are mainly comprised of banana, strawberries, and blueberries. And they’re both held together by toothpicks.

28. Seems like the Cat in the Hat wants to wish someone a happy birthday.

Yes, it’s probably from a high end bakery. But you can’t help but love it. So adorable.

29. Bet you can’t guess which Dr. Seuss book comes with these cupcakes.

Let me guess, the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, the Sneetches, and the Batle Butter Book. Still, the one on the far right is trick.

30. These Cat in the Hat cupcakes will surely suit your Seussical fancy.

The hats here consist of red icing and marshmallows. Yet, all make a fantastical Seuss treat.

31. Get a load of these fishy cookies.

Yes, these are from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And they couldn’t use a blue fish since Swedish fish were involved.

32. This Dr. Seuss bento lunch will satisfy any child’s taste.

Yes, another Seuss bento lunch. But at least it has a little more Cat in the Hat.

33. This Cat in the Hat cake is almost by the book.

Well, it’s a cake of the book. But it’s surely an iconic one in the Seuss canon.

34. How about some Truffula tree cake pops on a stick?

Well, Truffula cake pops are surely appropriate for a Lorax themed party. And these sticks are even made to resemble the trunks.

35. Surely anyone would want a Dr. Seuss cake well-stacked.

Okay, this is considerably overboard. But it’s oddly fitting considering Dr. Seuss’s illustrations.

36. These cupcakes make the best Sneetch treats.

As in the book, some of these have green stars. And some have no stars at all.

37. What in the hell are these cupcake things?

Okay, these cupcakes are supposed to imitate Thing 1 and Thing 2. The cotton candy gives the impression of their blue hair.

38. There’s something very grinchy about these cupcakes.

Well, these are Grinch cupcakes. And each has a grinchy face as well as a heart 3 sizes too small.

39. Hope you have a taste for this Cat in the Hat sandwich.

Yes, he certainly looks spiffy. Love what they did with the hat. So adorable.

40. For your Grinchy Christmas celebrations, may I suggest this cake?

Depicts the Grinch in a Santa hat. And yes, he’s bent on stealing Christmas since he’s fed up with holiday consumerism.

41. Nothing welcomes a new fish in your family like this Dr. Seuss cake.

So I guess there are Dr. Seuss themed baby showers. Well, makes sense. But this cake probably has a steep price.

42. Any child who’s read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish will find this lunch a real treat.

Yes, this is certainly a fishy lunch. Even has a fish sandwich and fish crackers.

43. If you love Oh, the Places You’ll Go, you’ll adore these Dr. Seuss cookies.

Yes, these may be professionally made. But they greatly resemble the book’s illustrations.

44. This Lorax lunch can surely speak for the trees.

Mostly consist of the Lorax sandwich with him in cheese. At any rate, it’s an almost exact likeness.

45. These cheese trees make great party appetizer platters.

By the way, the cheese trees are from Fox in Socks. I know it’s kind of insane.

46. This Lorax cake has a forest of Truffula trees.

And here we have the Lorax on a stump who speaks for them. Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen.

47. There’s so much to love about this Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is for another first birthday. And yes, it’s almost like you’d see in a Dr. Seuss illustration.

48. This Cat in the Hat muffin tin lunch has almost everything a kid could want.

Well, it certainly includes 6 courses on it. Even a cup of red and white stripes.

49. These Lorax cupcakes will surely make your party a hit.

Consists of the Lorax, Truffula trees, and the Bar-ba-loots. Great for any Lorax themed party.

50. There’s nothing greener to eat than this Green Eggs and Ham lunch.

Well, except a Saint Patrick’s Day lunch of course. But you get the idea here.

51. Green Eggs and Ham cookies will please anyone willing to try them.

Well, they’re small cookies of green eggs and ham. Yet, each is professionally iced in its own way.

52. For appetizers, you can’t go wrong with these Cat in the Hat snacks.

These consist of cherry tomatoes and cheese stacked on Ritz crackers. Toothpicks required which goes without saying.

53. Of course, this would be a perfect cake for Dr. Seuss.

After all, it’s in the form of a book. Also consists of the Cat in the Hat’s hat and green eggs and ham.

54. Nothing makes a kid jump with glee than these Horton marshmallow treats.

These are from Horton Hatches an Egg since it contains a nest. Still, these are cute and fluffy.

55. I’m sure no Dr. Seuss fan can resist these cookies.

Well, they certainly consist of many people’s favorites. Though they’re definitely professionally made.

56. Wake up in the morning with some fruity Cat in the Hat toast.

Also, contains some whipped cream. Part of a complete Dr. Seuss breakfast.

57. These Grinch cupcakes will bring you loads of Christmas joy.

Unlike the other Grinch cupcakes, these have Santa hats on them. But each have a smile and yellow eyes.

58. This Cat in the Hat cake has 3 things on the top.

Guess this is for a kid’s 3rd birthday. Nevertheless, it’s as Seussical as can be.

59. How about some ham for your green deviled egg?

Goes without saying these are from Green Eggs and Ham. Though the ham isn’t green and is much smaller.

60. Which cupcake do you want? Truffula tree or Lorax?

Yes, the Lorax cupcakes all look the same. And the Truffula trees have different colors on them. But can’t the two be able to coexist?

61. This Dr. Seuss cake seems to have some interesting candles.

Then again, they may be made from icing. But at least this one contains many of your favorites.

62. This Dr. Seuss cake seems like it can fall down any minute.

Yes, these cakes can be quite elaborate and rather expensive. But in Dr. Seuss treat post, you can’t leave them out.

63. A Grinch cake can bring you endless joy for the Christmas season.

This one has a house with the Grinch on Mt. Crumpit. I know it’s kind of pretty but also has a whimsical touch.

64. These green egg cookies will surely make a fine addition to an Dr. Seuss dessert platter.

And these don’t seem very difficult to decorate at all. Since green and white icing is all you need.

65. This Lorax snack seems particularly fruity.

The Lorax is made of canned fruit. And he has a Truffula tree with a pretzel trunk beside him.

66. You can’t have a Dr. Seuss party without a Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is a more 3-dimensional model. But it certainly works with the book decor it’s on.

67. Nothing makes kids excited for reading like a Cat in the Hat pizza.

Yes, it’s another Cat in the Hat pizza. But this one has a more curvy look to it.

68. If you liked the Cat in the Hat Comes Back, you might enjoy this cake.

After all, it’s the one where the Cat in the Hat crashes the kids’ home again and eats cake in a tub. Of course, he leaves a pink ring in it.

69. Here’s another cake showing the whimsical world of Dr. Seuss.

Yes, I know I have a lot of cakes on here. But each of them is spectacular as can be.

70. This Lorax cake really speaks for the trees.

This one has the Lorax on top and the Truffula Forest on the bottom. So pretty.

71. If you’re expecting a couple of little tings, you might want to go with this cake.

Even has Thing 1 and Thing 2 onesies. Also like how it’s surrounded by blue cupcakes.

72. As we should remember, a cupcake’s a cupcake no matter how small.

As you can see, these are from Horton Hears a Who!. And each contains a pink clover.

73. For breakfast will it be Cat in the Hat or Green Eggs and Ham?

Yet, I’d have to remind you that the Cat in the Hat one contains more calories. Just so you know.

74. Peanut cookies make great Loraxes.

Now these seem pretty easy. Just decorate them with eyes and a yellow mustache and you’re good to go.

75. A Dr. Seuss lunch should always have a couple of things.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 anyway. But at any rate, this is adorable.

76. For hot summer days, you might want to try a Cat in the Hat ice cream treat.

Comes with a cone for the hat and pretzels for whiskers. Perfect for a Dr. Seuss kind of day.

77. Or perhaps you’d want some Cat in the Hat marshmallow treats.

These consist of marshmallows and fruit roll-ups. And they certainly have the Seussical charm.

78. If you want to keep it simple, this is the Cat in the Hat lunch for you.

Just consists of a fish in a bowl sandwich and Cat in the Hat apple slices. What more can you want?

79. This Dr. Seuss lunch has a little bit from his most famous books.

You see a bit of Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. There might be a few others as well.

80. Lorax pretzels make a quality Dr. Seuss snack.

Each of these consists of a waffle pretzel decorated with icing to resemble the Lorax. Simple as that.

81. Dr. Seuss pasta should always have zany colors.

Helps if you use blue alfredo sauce, too. Resembles something you’d eat at a Whoville restaurant.

82. Truffula cookies should be served on a stick.

Yes, these are professionally made. But like Truffula trees, they come in a vast array of colors.

83. These Cat in the Hat treats will satisfy any Dr. Seuss dessert enthusiast.

Consists of icing, Oreos, and lifesavers. Pretty simple to assemble a kid can do it.

84. Green egg pretzel bites are a perfect Dr. Seuss snack.

Just consists of icing, waffle pretzels, and green M&Ms. So you should have no trouble making them.

85. With a pear, you can make your own Sneetch treat.

And it almost resembles the illustration. Nevertheless, this is kind of neat.

86. No Dr. Seuss party should ever go without a green eggs and ham appetizer platter.

Well, they’re green deviled eggs with ham slices. But the ham isn’t green.

87. In these Oh, the Places You’ll Go cupcakes contain plenty of surprises.

These are full of sprinkles as you can see. They also have layers upon layers of colors consisting of cake.

88. For a healthy Dr. Seuss lunch, say hello to a grinchy sandwich.

Also has a green egg and apple slices for sides. But yes, you’d want to eat the Grinch sandwich, would you?

89. Now help yourself to some literal green eggs and ham.

Yet, unlike the book, the ham isn’t green. Yet, the eggs are thanks to the magic of food coloring.

90. If you don’t like green eggs and ham alone, these pesto bacon cups will suit you fine.

Still, they might have a lot of grease on them. Yet, they’d be quite gourmet for a Dr. Seuss breakfast.

91. Check out these fishy cookies.

These are straight out of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And unlike the last bunch, they’re at least the right colors and shapes.

92. You can’t have a Lorax party without a pizza that speaks for the cheese.

Toppings consists of cheese, peppers, and olives. But certainly bears a resemblance to the old Lorax himself.

93. Which do you want fish or hats?

I know these are professionally made. But you can’t help but love them.

94. This Lorax bento lunch is perfect for hikes in the Truffula forest.

That is until the Once-ler comes around and decimates it for his thneeds. Again, I can’t say what they’re used for.

95. Perhaps a more colorful Lorax bento would suit you.

Well, this makes bento box into an art form. Consists of Truffula trees, the Lorax, Bar-ba-loots, Swamee Swans, and “Unless.”

96. For more greens, go with a Grinchy veggie tray.

Though I’d insist, it’s more appropriate for the holidays. Since he’s from a Christmas story.

97. Fans of Oh, the Places You’ll Go would want to have this veggie tray.

This one has a whole variety of veggies cut in different ways. Perfect for any Dr. Seuss party.

98. You can eat this bento lunch here. You can eat it there. You can even eat it anywhere.

Yes, this is from Green Eggs and Ham. And it even has green hard-boiled eggs to boot.

99. For a colorful cake, may I suggest Oh, the Places You’ll Go.

Because let’s face it, the Lorax isn’t a very happy story. Also, you might like some of the cake pops on this. So cute.

100. And finally, the veggies are stacked on this Yertle the Turtle bento lunch.

However, I have to remind you that Yertle the Turtle is an allegory on fascism. And the turtle stacking had more to do with enhancing Yertle’s own ego.

Fun and Fantastical Dr. Seuss Craft Projects from the Truffula Tree Forest

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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The wide world of Dr. Seuss is filled with so many whimsical contraptions that many would find impossible to replicate in real life. At least one in good working order. But they certainly delight us nonetheless. Yet, you’d also find plenty of Dr. Seuss crafts and other items that might whisk you off to Whoville, the Jungle of Nool, or the Truffula Forest. But you’d find a lot of other places, too. Naturally, many of these usually consist of activities catered toward children. Because plenty of schools and parents make use of them. Yet, you’ll also find plenty of other craft items in Dr. Seuss’s fantastical style. None of them consists of thneeds. However, I’m not sure what the hell one is used for anyway except making money for the Once-ler which leads to him decimating the Truffula Forest. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of charming Dr. Seuss craft projects. Enjoy.

  1. You can make adequate Truffula trees with pool noodles and tissue paper.

Though you might need t use yellow duct tape for the trunk. Still, if you like The Lorax, these can’t be beat.

2. A Cat in the Hat child’s chair is always a delight in the home.

It’s even painted in blue, red, white, and black. I’m sure it’s made by a pro. But I like it.

3. A Green Eggs and Ham pinata is always full of surprises.

But at least in this one, you have candy. Not food-borne diseases like trichinosis.

4. You can’t steal Christmas without a Grinch ugly sweater.

I know Christmas is a long way off. But the Grinch is such an iconic Dr. Seuss character. So I can’t ignore putting a few in this one.

5. No one can say no to a Green Eggs and Ham snack tray.

It just has the green eggs and ham painted on. Nevertheless, it’s quite a work of art.

6. A Dr. Seuss shelf should always create a colorful impression.

This one comes in 3 sections. But you’d certainly find it at a Whoville furniture store.

7. It’s never out of style to wear a Cat in the Hat dress.

And you can’t get any better than with a Cat in the Hat sun dress. Best to wear on rainy summer days.

8. There’s never a bad time to curl up with a book when you have a Cat in the Hat quilt.

Certainly a crazy quilt indeed with all kinds of colors. But it’s as Seussical as can be.

9. This white bookshelf has a mind of its own.

Well, certainly seems like it. Still, not sure if I’d want to have it around my place. The shelves are uneven which is precisely the point.

10. A crocheted Lorax cap will keep your little one nice and warm.

Sure the Lorax is a fuzzy character since he’s orange and hairy with a long yellow mustache. But he’s not particularly cuddly. Though this hat certainly is.

11. Your little ones will always match with these Thing 1 and Thing 2 crocheted caps.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the Cat and the Hat’s main entourage. Still, these are cute.

12. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’ll certainly adore these chairs.

These consist of the Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. And all are in bright colors.

13. Red and white stripes with blue feathers always make a great Seuss wreath.

Obviously, This is from the Cat in the Hat. Since the blue reflects the hair from Things 1 & 2.

14. It’s easy to make a Truffula tree with a long stick and fuzz.

Nevertheless, they come in all shapes and sizes. Also, they all come in pots.

15. A Lorax amigurumi always speaks for the trees.

And here he has a Truffula tree in his hand. Though it would be much bigger than him.

16. There’s nothing better to snuggle in than a square diamond Cat in the Hat quilt.

After all, a Seuss quilt comes alive when you use some crazy patterned fabric. Love this.

17. You can’t have a merry Grinchmas without a Grinch wreath.

Even has a Grinch in the center holding candy. And it’s certainly in the festive Christmas spirit.

18. As we all know, Dr. Seuss taught us that reading is fun.

As this canvas hanging shows. Includes the Cat in the Hat, the Lorax, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

19. Nothing makes reading more fun than a Cat in the Hat shelf.

It’s a Cat in the Hat shelf since it’s depicted in the iconic striped hat. Great for any kid’s room.

20. A Cat in a Hat apron is perfect for any kitchen adventure.

Still, you wouldn’t want the Cat in the Hat in your kitchen. Because he’d just make a real mess in there.

21. The Cat in the Hat could only dream of shoes like these.

Since they match his red and white striped hat. Though I wouldn’t want to walk outside with them.

22. A Cat in the Hat quilt like this can always delight on a cold day.

Yet, another Cat in the Hat quilt. I know you might be tired already. But there’s more to come from the other books.

23. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, it’s not going to get better, it’s not.”

I guess that’s the last Truffula tree. Yes, the Once-ler really fucked up with his insatiable greed.

24. You can always take this Dr. Seuss tote wherever you go.

Well, this bag features many of your favorite characters. It also consists of red and white stripes.

25. Wouldn’t you want this Truffula tree painting on your wall?

Maybe. But if you’re the Once-ler, probably not. Since it can serve as a reminder of how he screwed up.

26. There’s always a way to say “Merry Grinchmas.”

And I’m sure this sign is just the ticket. Love the green arm sticking out with the ornament.

27. Would you like a crocheted green eggs and ham?

Sure you can’t eat them. But you wouldn’t want to eat the real life equivalent either.

28. Nobody can resist a Cat in the Hat chair with a fuzzy seat.

It even has feet with shoes. Still, what’s not to love about this?

29. With this Lorax lampshade, you can illuminate a Truffula forest.

Though it’s more meant to cast shadows of the Lorax and the Truffula trees. But it’s pretty cool.

30. A hat made of ribbons makes a great Dr. Seuss centerpiece.

I guess this is for a Cat in the Hat themed party. But it’s spectacular.

31. Why have one candy dispenser when you can use 2?

Appropriately enough these are in the likeness of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And they both have blue feathered hair.

32. Nobody could ever resist stealing an amigurumi Grinch.

Sure he may not be in his Santa suit. But he sure as hell doesn’t seem like his heart is 3 sizes too small either.

33. Nothing can make your day like a Cat in the Hat bouquet.

Yet, the hat vase has a more twisty, turny stripe pattern. Still, this is perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

34. You can always enjoy reading in this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

At least I think it’s a rocking chair. But it only uses a few colors for simplicity.

35. This Lorax tote is 100% ec0-friendly.

At least compared to thneeds. For I’m not sure what they do. Still, better than paper or plastic.

36. This chair’s been painted in a real Seuss style.

And it seems to be in a more artistic style than some of the other ones. Like the patterns on the back.

37. How about some Truffula trees on poles.

Well, at least they stand up straight. Though don’t the Truffula trees in the book kind of bend down a little like palm trees?

38. If you love the Grinch, then this panel should tell you the real meaning of Christmas.

This one depicts the Grinch seeing the Whos sing together after he stole all their stuff. Of course, he can’t stop Christmas from coming.

39. Check out these Lorax shoes.

They certainly have great Seuss artwork on them. But the Cat in the Hat ones are much simpler to do.

40. You’d find that this Cat in the Hat bookshelf really comes in handy.

This is kind of neat. Uneven and with everyone’s favorite characters from the book.

41. Welcome guests to your home with a Cat in the Hat wreath.

Even has the Cat in the Hat on it. And it’s in classic colors from the book.

42. There’s something fishy about this chest of drawers.

It’s from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. But it’s certainly great for a little kid’s room.

43. You can always read and keep warm in this Dr. Seuss quilt.

This one depicts many of the all time favorites. And each square has a lot of colorful illustrations.

44. You can even make your own felt Dr. Seuss hat.

Well, this is the one from the Cat in the Hat. But sure, it’s possible.

45. Grace your table with your very own Truffula tree wreath.

It’s set on the table so the Truffula trees can stand up. Kind of clever if you think about it.

46. Nothing makes your guests feel welcome than this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Couldn’t pass this one up. Since it has his face as well as red tulle and white ribbons.

47. Amigurumi Thing 1 and Thing 2 will bring you loads of fun.

Where the Cat in the Hat be without them? Still, you have to like their blue hair.

48. Thing 1 and Thing 2 always make a perfect pair.

Well, they certainly match in almost every way. Still, without their suits, you can barely tell them apart.

49. You’ll always look sharp with a Cat in the Hat ribbon pin.

Doesn’t seem that hard to make by the looks of it. Though I could be wrong.

50. I’m sure anyone would want to have this Dr. Seuss bookshelf from Whoville.

Comes in an array of different colors. But always fits best in a corner.

51. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’d love these canvas quotes.

These are all painted, by the way. Each one depicts an illustration from a Dr. Seuss book.

52. For Christmas, you might want to steal this sign.

Okay, I was kidding on that one. But for a panel sign, this is absolutely perfect.

53. There’s nothing fuzzier to love than a Lorax wreath.

Well, he’s supposed to be furry. But I’m sure the face really looks like him.

54. You’re always invited for fun with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

This one has the trademark Dr. Seuss hat. Goes nicely with the ribbons and decomesh.

55. This Seuss quilt is one crazy patchwork after another.

Another quilt that has a lot of your old favorites. Love the use of covers.

56. You’ll always have a seat on this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

Yet, I have a feeling this is more meant for kids. But I appreciate the paint job.

57. No nursery is ever complete without a Dr. Seuss mobile.

After all, a baby should have a mobile depicting what you’d read to them before bedtime. So cute.

58. When you go to the beach, you can cuddle with your amigurumi Star-Bellied Sneetch.

Yet, to be fair, the Star-Bellied Sneetches aren’t the nicest bunch. Since The Sneetches story is about racism.

59. You can have loads of fun on rainy days with this Cat in the Hat peg doll set.

Includes the Cat in the Hat, Sally and her brother, and Things 1&2.

60. If you enjoy Green Eggs and Ham, then I suppose you’ll rave about this quilt.

Seems like it’s more colorful than the Cat in the Hat ones. But please enjoy the illustrations.

61. This Cat in the Hat chair has a back with red and white stripes.

Well, this looks whimsical enough for story time. And it has the Cat in the Hat on the seat.

62. Hope you keep warm this Christmas season with this crocheted Grinch cap.

It’s bright green in order to stand out, too. Great for any yuletide winter’s day.

63. Perhaps you might guess the books on these samplers.

I’m sure you’ll have no trouble with them. But each one consist of a felt image.

64. Bet you want to get squeaky clean with this Dr. Seuss shower curtain.

Still, make sure you have a plain plastic one that goes under it. Because I don’t think such a design is practical without it.

65. Curl up this Christmas season with this Grinch quilt.

Well, that’s an interesting design. Funny, how I show a lot of quilts on this post for some reason.

66. Hope you might try having this Green Eggs and Ham shelf around.

It’s orange with green inside the shelves. Even has Sam I Am with his trademark cuisine on the side.

67. With these Cat in the Hat blocks, your child could learn their ABCs.

Each one is in a whimsical design. You can even see the Cat in the Hat himself on some of them.

68. There are always fun things to do with this Dr. Seuss stool.

But make sure it doesn’t end up in a science lab, workshop, or an art room. Since it’s richly painted.

69. Rest your head on a couch with this Dr. Seuss cushion pillow.

Features your favorite Dr. Seuss stories. And has a black and white fringe. So lovely.

70. Got a broken globe? How about make a lamp like this?

That’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Yes, it’s certainly fitting in a way.

71. Perhaps you’d want a sample of green eggs and ham.

Well, that’s a rather detailed sampler. Like how they used the buttons as yolks.

72. Hope this old globe will show all the places you’ll go.

Now normally, I usually advise against decorating globes like this, But this kind of works.

73. That red shelf seems to have some personality.

Well, the white one is quite plain compared to this. But it certainly has the Seuss spirit.

74. You can always share a book when sitting on this Cat in the Hat rocking chair.

That one has a rather stellar design. And it has a striped hat on the seat.

75. Nothing says Christmas fun like a set of Grinch peg dolls.

Includes the Grinch, Max, Cindylou Who, and a Christmas tree. All in all, it’s quite clever.

76. No kid wants anything more than to cuddle with an amigurumi Cat in the Hat.

Well, his head is a little big for his body. But nevertheless, he’s adorable.

77. With Seuss baby bibs, your baby will sure look forward to dinner time.

Consists of a set of 3. And each is in a different pattern. But any tot will love them.

78. No elementary teacher should ever go without this Dr. Seuss wreath.

After all, many Dr. Seuss books are targeted for grade school kids. Yet, this one is certainly school oriented.

79. As it can be there’s always a great wide world for us to see.

Well, it’s a panel depicting a map of the world. Of course, it has to say, “Oh, the places you’ll go!” on it.

80. Wonder if the houses in Whoville resemble this.

Yes, it’s a Dr. Seuss style birdhouse. And yes, you can find ones in all different colors on Etsy.

81. These crocheted hats are perfect for a couple of little things.

After all, these are kids’ hats with designations of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they’re cute.

82. There’s something curvy about this birdhouse.

Yes, it’s another Dr. Seuss birdhouse. But this one is a bit wavier than the other. But it certainly belongs to Whoville.

83. Don’t leave home with Cat in the Hat tote bag.

This one even has straps you can fasten it with. Pretty ingenious don’t you think?

84. Nothing makes your bedroom better than a wavy blue dresser.

Though I’m not sure how you’re supposed to fit clothes into it. But it’s great for any Suessical bedroom.

85. Fans of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, might enjoy this fishy quilt.

The book itself doesn’t have much of a plot. But the images are fantastic nonetheless.

86. It always works best with a Cat in the Hat chest.

It’s just a plastic chest painted with Cat in the Hat stuff on it. But I hope it keeps all your kid’s toys.

87. This Green Eggs and Ham quilt has some crazy patterns.

And indeed, it does. But it also has a certain whimsical charm to it, too.

88. Rest your head on this Cat in the Hat cushion.

Includes a quote by Dr. Seuss on it by the way. Still, you can’t help but love this.

89. Protect your hands in the kitchen with this Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

Since Green Eggs and Ham pertains to food, this is rather fitting. But please, real green eggs and ham wouldn’t pass a health inspection.

90. A burlap Grinch wreath should always suit your fancy on Christmas.

This one includes some lines from the book. But the Santa hat and green burlap sure go nice together.

91. Who knows where you’ll go with these shoes.

Well, since these are from Oh, the Places You’ll Go, it’s only fitting. But I love the art on these.

92. These Dr. Seuss pot holders are always essential for the kitchen.

And it helps that they’re both in the same design. Best to go with the Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

93. With this wreath, the Cat in the Hat welcomes you.

This one even includes Thing 1 and Thing 2. But yes, it’s surely and inviting sight.

94. You’ll always look spiffy with these Dr. Seuss bowties.

After all. old Ted Geisel himself liked to done one all the time. Still, these are great.

95. Enjoy your coffee in the morning with this Cat in the Hat ceramic mug.

Includes a striped handle and top. Sure it only depicts the hat. But it’s good enough.

96. Make sure to take this pillow with you while you travel.

Naturally, it’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go. The hot air balloon gives it a touch of whimsy.

97. This Cat in the Hat apron will make anyone a kitchen maven.

Still, it looks quite pretty. Not sure whether I’d want cook with that on.

98. Instead of a thneed, cuddle in this Lorax quilt.

After all, thneeds are utterly useless unlike the Once-ler says. But this one is quite colorful with scenes from the book. And it doesn’t use any Truffula trees.

99. Make your guests feel right at home with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Unlike some of the other wreaths, this yarn one isn’t too flashy. Just has his trademark hat and a bowtie.

100. Be a maven in the kitchen with this Lorax apron.

Well, it depicts some Truffula trees. Hope none of them get cut down. Oh, wait, they do.

The Great Wide Whimsical World of Dr. Seuss Costumes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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With their rhyming schemes, illogical logic, fantastical buildings, nonsensical vocabulary, and spectacular illustrations, the works of Dr. Seuss have entertained generations of children for 80 years with And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. Since then, Dr. Seuss would write more than 60 books which would sell over 600 million copies and be translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death. They’ve also spawned numerous adaptations such as 11 TV specials, 4 feature films, 2 Broadway musicals, and 4 TV shows. Many of these books have become literary classics for the ages like The Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who!, If I Ran the Zoo, Fox in Socks, Hop on Pop, I Had Trouble Getting to Solla Sollew, The Lorax, The Battle Butter Book, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Born Theodore Seuss Geisel in Springfield, Massachusetts, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his days at Dartmouth and Oxford, the latter from which he dropped out from to work as an illustrator and cartoonist for Vanity Fair, Life, and other publications. Though to be fair, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his Dartmouth days in the 1920s so he can continue working as editor-in-chief for The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern under the administration’s nose. Because they caught him drinking gin in his room with 9 of his buddies and told him to resign from all extracurricular activities, including the magazine. Yet, he also worked as an illustrator for Standard Oil’s advertising campaigns and a political cartoonist for the New York newspaper PM. Nevertheless, Dr. Seuss’s books surely belong to a world of their own. Though he never had kids of his home and kind of hated them, his kids’ books are still being read to this day.

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Since Dr. Seuss’s work is so significant in children’s literature, the National Education Association has adopted his birthday March 2, as Read Across the America Day. And it’s not unusual to see many elementary school teachers dress up in Dr. Seuss costumes or decorate their rooms to fit into Dr. Seuss’s world of fantastical whimsy. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you an assortment of Dr. Seuss costumes by his fans of all ages.

  1. As you can see, you’ll find plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, these seem simple enough with One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Unfortunately, the Star Trek version is Gold Shirt, Blue Shirt, Red Shirt Dead Shirt.

2. You can’t stop until you have 10 apples on top.

I’m not familiar with this book. Guess it’s one of the Dr. Seuss’s more obscure works.

3. You can’t celebrate Christmas without looking like the latest thing in Whoville.

Nevertheless, I may not be a fan of fashion magazines. But I’d certainly would love to see what one in Whoville looks like. Also, like the hair.

4. For a simpler costume, may I suggest Daisy Head Mayzie?

Never heard of this book either. Then again, it was originally published in 1995, 4 years after Dr. Seuss died.

5. Horton always insists on keeping his word because an an elephant is always faithful 100%.

This is from Horton Hatches the Egg where he agrees to sit on the egg for an irresponsible bird name Mayzie as she takes a trip to Palm Beach. Yet, the Horton Hears a Who costume is far more common.

6. “I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees.”

Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen to him and turned the Truffula forest into a wasteland out of greed. Still, this is a cute costume.

7. How about try some green eggs and ham?

Yes, Sam I Am is certainly a popular costume. However, though harmless in the Seuss world, nobody should eat green eggs and ham, which can make you vomit.

8. Nobody can resist this star-bellied Sneetch.

However, know that this sneetch has a star on its belly to exude its racial superiority over the bare-bellied ones. Because star-bellied sneetches are racist.

9. Would you like green eggs and ham?

Yes, it’s another Sam I Am costume. And yes, it has a fork in his green eggs and ham.

10. Looks like she has a wocket in her pocket.

That’s from a book about strange creatures living in a boy’s house. Still, this is adorable.

11. You better listen to the Lorax and not cut Truffula Trees for thneeds.

Because the Lorax doesn’t mess around. Too bad the Oncler is more concerned with growing his business to even care.

12. I bet this little Grinch wants to steal Christmas.

He even has a stuffed dog with reindeer antlers. Love the green fur.

13. Thidwick, the Big-Hearted Moose always has room on his antlers.

Though the creatures residing on his head are basically taking advantage of him. Still, this a Seuss costume you don’t normally see.

14. Even the Grinch can’t resist this little Cindylou Who.

This one just consists of a pink shirt, a cute hairstyle, and black pipe cleaners. So adorable.

15. The Lorax loves hanging out with the Bar-ba-loots and the Once-ler.

Though keep in mind, the Once-ler never shows his face. Still, these are cute.

16. Now this is a literal Cat in the Hat.

Though she’s probably one of the cats who come out of the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Yet, it’s surely an inventive costume.

17. Up on Mount Crumpet, Max the Grinch’s only friend.

Even has an antler on his head. Nevertheless, this is a pretty simple costume to make.

18. As we all know the Cat in the Hat is accompanied by Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, I had to put in the Cat in the Hat at some point. After all, it’s Dr. Seuss’s most famous book.

19. There’s something fishy about this little girl.

I have to admit this is quite clever. Like how it just consists of fish on a yellow dress.

20. Horton will always try to preserve Whoville since a person’s a person, no matter how small.

Here’s the Horton Hears a Who costume. This one just consists of ears, T-shirt, and an air vent pipe.

21. The Cat in the Hat never leaves without the Things.

Helps if the Cat in the Hat has his blue umbrella. Still, the things are so sweet.

22. These things were born to teach.

Yes, these are elementary school teachers dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they didn’t use any blue hair.

23. These Truffula trees will never leave their Lorax or Bar-ba-loot behind.

Well, the Truffala trees look easy for the parents. Hope they don’t see the Oncler any time soon.

24. Have you ever seen a fox in socks?

Nice she has the book with her. Still, Fox in Socks doesn’t really have much of a plot since it’s a beginner book.

25. Hope you enjoy this green eggs and ham.

In the Seuss world, green eggs and ham is mostly harmless. In the real world, such a dish needs thrown out since it can cause trichinosis.

26. Dr. Seuss is always a hit for the whole family.

Consists of the Cat in the Hat, the Grinch, the Lorax, and the Fish in the Bowl. Like how they used the wagon.

27. Wearing socks on your limbs is always foxy.

Yes, it’s another fox in socks. But this one has bigger ears and a shorter tail.

28. My, that’s a beautiful Truffula tree.

This one has a pink tuff and a long striped dress. Hope she doesn’t run into the Oncler anytime soon.

29. Don’t mess with the Lorax or the Truffula trees.

Even has a Truffula tree to carry. Like the fuzzy yellow whiskers. Brilliant.

30. The fish in the bowl is always a voice of reason.

Well, at least in the cartoon. Then again, it might be a different Dr. Seuss fish.

31. Wouldn’t any girl want to have a daisy on her head?

Sure it’s another Daisy Head Mayzie. But I guess it’s an easier costume to do.

32. There’s a lot to love with this Lorax family.

Well, this is more from the CGI movie since a couple of the characters aren’t in the original book. Also, we only see the Once-ler’s hands.

33. You’re never too old for Fox in Socks.

Then again, she’s probably a teacher. But this fox costume doesn’t seem to require much.

34. You’ll find a lot of things in this family.

There’s even a Thing Mom. So who’s the Thing Dad? Maybe I don’t want to think about it.

35. This fuzzy little Lorax just wants you to stop exploiting Truffula trees.

Well, the Lorax is furry and has a fuzzy mustache. So this kind of sticks.

36. Here we have Sam I Am with green eggs and ham.

Helps if the green eggs and ham are on a skillet. Though they wouldn’t pass health inspection.

37. Nothing pleases like a happy star-bellied sneetch.

Except having to integrate with a bare-bellied sneetch. Yet, this is a clever costume.

38. Seems like this family really takes to Dr. Seuss on Halloween.

Consists of the Grinch, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, Cat in the Hat, Cindylou Who, and Things 1 and 2. So sweet.

39. Yertle the Turtle seeks to rule all turtle kind.

By the way, Yertle the Turtle is a stand-in for Adolf Hitler. He makes the other turtles stand up so he can see further and expand his kingdom.

40. The Cat in the Hat always knows where it’s at.

Still, while he might be a fun guy, he can show up without warning. Also, doesn’t seem to care most of the time.

41. How about some green eggs to go with that ham?

That’s a rather inventive costume. Still, kids, don’t eat green eggs and ham. It’s unsanitary and could make you deathly ill.

42. Celebrate Christmas with Cindylou Who and the Grinch.

Well, these are adult costumes. But hope the Grinch doesn’t steal your Christmas. Oh, wait, he can’t.

43. A black cat should always have a long striped hat and a red bow tie.

This is a Cat in the Hat tutu costume for women. Not my cup of tea but not bad.

44. You can always count on Horton to lend a helping hand.

After all, he’ll save Whoville if it’s the last thing he does. By the way, this is a Horton tutu costume.

45. Daisy Head Mayzie can always do with a flower on her head.

Once again, I’m not familiar with Daisy Head Mayzie. But this is kind of cute.

46. You’d almost think this Lorax could scare off a lumberjack.

Though the Lorax didn’t exactly carry a bag with him. Still, this is most likely a kid’s costume.

47. A Cat in the Hat should always stun.

Yet, another tutu Cat in the Hat costume. Because he’s such an iconic Dr. Seuss character.

48. She must be from the punk side of Whoville.

What else could explain that distinctive hair style? Still, I think it’s quite clever.

49. Green eggs should always go with the ham.

And yet some green eggs and ham costumes. But these go together as a group.

50. The family that always reads Dr. Seuss together stays together.

Consists of Cat in the Hat, Sam I Am, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, and Things 1 and 2. Love this.

51. Nobody can ever forget the Cat in the Hat’s sidekicks Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, these kids are cute. But the white makeup seems to provide a creepiness to them.

52. Cindylou Who always looks perky in pink.

Well, this is more of a pink Santa dress. But it’s certainly appropriate.

53. The Lorax always feels at home in the woods.

After all, the Lorax speaks for the trees. Hope he doesn’t see any loggers nearby.

54. This cat’s hat really stands out.

Helps if he has a little fish in the bowl as a trick or treat bag. So adorable.

55. There’s something fishy about this guy.

Mostly because he’s the Fish in the Bowl from the Cat in the Hat. And he usually serves as the voice of reason.

56. Thing 1 and Thing 2  always enjoy the classroom.

I suppose these are elementary school teachers. Like the tutus.

57. Cindylou Who surely hopes to join the Christmas festivities.

Well, that’s cute. Love the little red cape and the Who hairstyle.

58. Nobody can resist little Cindylou Who with a large red bauble.

Well, she at least has pigtails and long lines in her hair. So adorable.

59. Seems like we have all kinds of fish in this bowl.

There’s one fish, two fish, red fish, and a blue fish. Just like that Dr. Seuss book.

60. I’m sure you’d want to cuddle this little star-bellied Sneetch.

Of course, this kid probably has no idea what the Sneetches story is about yet. Yet, so cute.

61. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are always at your service.

Don’t tell me that they have sexy costumes of Dr. Seuss characters. Because Dr. Seuss should never be sexy. His books are for children for God’s sake.

62. Yertle is the king of all turtle kind.

However, Yertle is obsessed with expanding his power that he’s willing to exploit his fellow turtles for his own benefit. He’s not a nice guy.

63. Who children are always up for a Christmas parade.

After all, everyone in Whoville loved Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just north of Whoville, did not.

64. These things always get around on all fours.

Yes, these are dog Thing 1 and Thing 2 costumes. And yes, I’m sure someone would find them cute.

65. I thought there are only supposed to be 2 Things not 3.

Then again, if you want to dress in the same costume, who’s going to stop you. Still, have to put them on the post.

66. Cindylou Who shine in her candy cane dress.

Sure it’s an adult Christmas costume. But it’s cute nonetheless. Like the hair.

67. We seem to find all kinds of fish here.

Includes, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, and new fish. And it seems they’re all teachers.

68. When you’re a thing, you got to have blue hair.

Seems like it to these girls. They even have blue tutus to match.

69. This Lorax family always speaks for the trees.

Consists of the Once-ler, a Truffula tree, the Lorax, and a Bar-ba-loot. Yet, remember we never see the Once-ler’s face.

70. Whos always know how to party.

This is especially during the Christmas season. And these two are going all out.

71. You’ll surely know what kind of fish these are.

Just remember the rhyme of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. Simple as that.

72. What’s a Whoville girl without a crazy hairdo and dress?

I mean we should know how Who women and girls dress. But this is so adorable.

73. Bet you’ve never seen Truffula trees like these.

Sure they may seem pretty now. But as far as the Once-ler is concerned, they’re resources to be shamelessly exploited.

74. Seems like this Lorax is meant for a different forest.

Once again, please don’t make Dr. Seuss sexy. Seriously, his books are for children!

75. A Sneetch should have an ample amount of feathers.

Well, this doesn’t appear to be a difficult costume. Yet, we all know why she wears her star on her torso with pride.

76. What’s with that daisy, Mayzie?

Actually, it’s supposed to grow out of her head. I know it’s crazy. But hey, this is the Seuss verse.

77. The Once-ler is a man with great style.

Well, he certainly rocks in that green, striped suit. Yet, we all know how he got a hold of it.

78. Who can ever forget Gertrude McFuzz and her spectacular tail?

Gertrude McFuzz is a story about a bird who feels inadequate in her tail feathers. So she tries to change herself. This is the result.

79. Hope you can join Cindylou Who and the Grinch for Christmas time.

Though the Grinch would prefer you not to, especially when he’s wearing that humiliating sweater. Though the guy looks pretty cool in his costume.

80. The Once-ler can always rock it with his electric guitar.

Well, this is more from the movie. But yes, he certainly looks great in his green suit, indeed.

81. Perhaps you might like a bite of his green eggs and ham?

I’m sure you can’t resist this little guy as Sam I Am. So sweet.

82. The Once-ler’s quite taken with that Truffula tree.

Hey, Truffula Tree, don’t go near him. He wants to cut you down and make you into a thneed.

83. This little Lorax loves a fuzzy tree.

Doesn’t hurt if his costume is fuzzy either. But he speaks for the trees. So cute.

84. It’s only fair for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to wear red dresses.

Not too bad. But at least it doesn’t look like the sexy version. Like how they’re wearing blue leggings.

85. Of course, Cindylou Who can have yellow hair strands.

Yet, she still wears pink and has a red bauble with her. So sweet.

86. Well, these two Whos are in the Christmas spirit.

Apparently, some people like to dress up as Whos during the Christmas season. But these costumes are at least green and red.

87. Here are some Whoville children in their back to school best.

Funny how the Grinch is wearing a suit. Yet, wonder how long it takes Whoville women to do their hair.

88. Hope this costume reminds you of all the places you’ll go.

It’s from the Dr. Seuss book people get for their graduations. But she certainly resembles the cover.

89. Is that a Noothbrush?

Well, it’s kind of hard to explain since it appears in There’s a Wocket in My Pocket. Nevertheless, it’s an interesting choice.

90. Perhaps you might want to check out this fish suit.

It’s more or less supposed to reflect One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Still, it’s pretty creative.

91. One wonders all the places this little guy goes.

Helps if it’s a box with balloons. Still, this baby is so cute in it.

92. Yertle is always lord of all turtles.

This is a more plain version. But then again, the turtles all looked the same in the story.

93. Nobody could resist a fox in socks.

This one has a girl in a red tutu and furry ears. Yet, she is so irresistibly cute.

94. These things always stick together.

Guess this is the couple’s costume of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And both sport red shirts and blue hair.

95. If you’re a bird in Seuss, it’s best that you’re tickled pink.

Then again, Dr. Seuss’s birds look pretty strange. But you have to admire this girl’s feathers.

96. Now here we have a literal Cat in the Hat.

Well, it is a black cat in the hat. But I don’t think it looks too happy to entertain your kids.

97. Nobody could resist this little yellow Sneetch.

Even has a star on its belly. But let’s hope this kid doesn’t make it a mark of superiority. So cute.

98. I’m sure you’d want to hug this little fox.

Yes, Fox in Socks is a popular costume. But you have to love this one, too.

99. Have to love the red bows on this Cindylou Who.

Yes, Cindylou Who has a strong following, especially during the Christmas season Yet, this costume is adorable.

100. This little Fish in the Bowl has his own container.

Okay, that’s pretty clever. Still, you have to feel very bad for him in Cat in the Hat.

Have a Spectacularly Magical Wizarding Harry Potter Christmas

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Moving on for my Merry Geekmas themed posts is on to Harry Potter. Unlike franchises like Star Trek and Star Wars, this universe certainly celebrates Christmas as you’ve probably seen in each of the books. This despite the fact that there’s not a lot of talk about Christianity other than the presence of churches in wizard villages as well the Fat Friar ghost. So it’s possible that at least wizards in the HP universe probably do have some degree of religious beliefs. They just don’t talk about them. At any rate, whenever it’s Christmas at Hogwarts, there are usually a brightly decorated trees and decor in the Great Hall even though it may be somewhat empty when students spend the holidays with their families. In Goblet of Fire, the Great Hall Christmas decor was even more spectacular with the Triwizard Tournament going on. As you can see, it was transformed into a winter wonderland for the Yule Ball, which Harry and Ron didn’t enjoy by the way. This especially goes for Ron since he wore a famously ugly dress robe and got pissed off that the girl he liked was going out with a celebrated Quidditch player he had previously gushed over. And he didn’t even realize it while Harry and the readers certainly did. Still, while Harry’s Christmas was more or less a happy occasion in the books before Goblet of Fire, especially the first when he received the Invisibility Cloak and his own Weasley sweater, it becomes darker as the books go on. One noteworthy example would be in The Order of the Phoenix when Nagini attacked Arthur Weasley in the Ministry. Of course, Christmas is certainly not a happy occasion for Neville Longbottom who certainly doesn’t look forward to it. Why? Because Christmas for him usually consists of visiting his parents who were tortured by Deatheaters to the point of insanity that they don’t recognize him. At any rate, there are plenty of Harry Potter fans that celebrate the holiday season in their own magically way possible. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of ways you can have a Harry Potter Christmas.

  1. Now you can celebrate the holidays with your own Harry Potter Weasley sweater.
Each Weasley sweater has a color with the wearer's first initial. Harry's is blue. Ron's is maroon.

Each Weasley sweater has a color with the wearer’s first initial. Harry’s is blue. Ron’s is maroon.

2. If you like fantastic beasts, then you’ll adore this baby dragon ornament.

This one is of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback which Hagrid got in the first book. They had to have the little guy sent away. Later had name changed to Norberta.

This one is of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback which Hagrid got in the first book. They had to have the little guy sent away. Later had name changed to Norberta.

3. A Patronus ornament will ward off Dementors from your tree.

This one is of a stag which is Harry's patronus charm. It was also his father's as well.

This one is of a stag which is Harry’s patronus charm. It was also his father’s as well.

4. Hope you can catch the Harry Potter magic this Christmas with this stocking.

This one has Hogwarts, Harry's lightning bolt scar, and glasses. Is also in red and yellow Gryffindor colors.

This one has Hogwarts, Harry’s lightning bolt scar, and glasses. Is also in red and yellow Gryffindor colors.

5. Be sure to hang up the mistletoe but beware of nargles.

Nargles are creatures Luna Lovegood or her dad might've made up. They're said to live in mistletoe and be quite the little thieves.

Nargles are creatures Luna Lovegood or her dad might’ve made up. They’re said to live in mistletoe and be quite the little thieves.

6. Fans of the Sorcerer’s Stone might like to have this flying key ornament on their tree.

The flying keys were in the dungeon where the sorcerer's stone was being held. Yet, Harry spotted the one with the broken wing.

The flying keys were in the dungeon where the sorcerer’s stone was being held. Yet, Harry spotted the one with the broken wing that fit through the door.

7. Those who like the Chamber of Secrets might want to have a mandrake ornament on their tree.

They're the plants that look like ugly babies with screams that could kill someone. Yet, they were instrumental in reviving people from being petrified.

They’re the plants that look like ugly babies with screams that could kill someone. Yet, they were instrumental in reviving people from being petrified.

8. Looks like this owl has a Hogwarts letter.

Well, it's an owl ornament with a letter in its beak. Understand that wizards correspond through owl post in these books.

Well, it’s an owl ornament with a letter in its beak. Understand that wizards correspond through owl post in these books.

9. Merry Christmas from the Burrow.

As we all know, the Burrow is the Weasley house. However, I doubt that the Weasleys would use electric Christmas light decorations. Then again, Mr. Weasley likes Muggle stuff so it's kind of believable.

As we all know, the Burrow is the Weasley house. However, I doubt that the Weasleys would use electric Christmas light decorations. Then again, Mr. Weasley likes Muggle stuff so it’s kind of believable.

10. Send a seasons greetings with this Harry Potter Christmas card.

This one has Harry as a tree with his glasses, wand, and Gryffindor scarf. And Hedwig is by his side.

This one has Harry as a tree with his glasses, wand, and Gryffindor scarf. And Hedwig is by his side.

11. Dobby is on top of the Christmas tree.

Dobby is wearing a Santa hat. Dobby is ready for Christmas.

Dobby is wearing a Santa hat. Dobby is ready for Christmas.

12. Now this is a real Hogwarts stocking.

It has the Hogwarts logo and everything. Hope Santa gets a load of this.

It has the Hogwarts logo and everything. Hope Santa gets a load of this.

13. Nothing makes a great Hogwarts Christmas tree than with the Sorting Hat on top.

However, should a sword fall out when you're placing the Sorting Hat on top of the Christmas tree, then consider yourself a true Gryffindor. Also, beware of angry goblins from Gringotts.

However, should a sword fall out when you’re placing the Sorting Hat on top of the Christmas tree, then consider yourself a true Gryffindor. Also, beware of angry goblins from Gringotts.

14. Show your magical side this Christmas with this Harry Potter ugly sweater.

As you can see, it contains almost all the stuff you'd associate with Harry Potter. Contains headwig, his glasses, his scar, his patronus, and the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

As you can see, it contains almost all the stuff you’d associate with Harry Potter. Contains headwig, his glasses, his scar, his patronus, and the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

15. A Harry Potter ugly sweater like this reflects the true Christmas spirit.

This one features wands, Harry's glasses, his scar, and the Golden Snitch. All in a background of snowflakes and Christmas trees.

This one features wands, Harry’s glasses, his scar, and the Golden Snitch. All in a background of snowflakes and Christmas trees.

16. Treasure moments of Harry and Dumbledore by the Pensieve with this Hallmark Keepsake ornament on your Christmas tree.

Because nothing says Christmas like looking into people's unpleasant memories in order to stop Lord Voldemort. This is especially so in the Half-Blood Prince.

Because nothing says Christmas like looking into people’s unpleasant memories in order to stop Lord Voldemort. This is especially so in the Half-Blood Prince.

17. How about a list that writes itself on your Christmas tree?

Well, Rita Skeeter has her Quick Quotes Quill that writes whatever she wants it to say. Still, I think this is quite clever if you ask me.

Well, Rita Skeeter has her Quick Quotes Quill that writes whatever she wants it to say. Still, I think this is quite clever if you ask me.

18. This Harry Potter tree skirt is a real patchwork.

This seems to be all Harry Potter out. Includes things like Platform 9 3/4, a wand, and Hedwig.

This seems to be all Harry Potter out. Includes things like Platform 9 3/4, a wand, and Hedwig.

19. For this Harry Potter Christmas, you can’t avoid not wearing this ugly sweater.

Yes, this is another ugly Harry Potter holiday sweater. Yet, this is the most Christmasy one so far.

Yes, this is another ugly Harry Potter holiday sweater. Yet, this is the most Christmasy one so far.

20. Looks like a doe patronus guides to Godric’s sword in a frozen lake.

We all know that's Snape doing it since the doe reflects his love for Lily. Ron uses the sword to destroy Slytherin's locket.

We all know that’s Snape doing it since the doe reflects his love for Lily. Ron uses the sword to destroy Slytherin’s locket.

21. For a homey Christmas touch, you might want to go with a gingerbread Burrow.

I had a Burrow gingerbread house in the Harry Potter treat post in March. But this is more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

I had a Burrow gingerbread house in the Harry Potter treat post in March. But this is more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

22. How about a gingerbread Hogwarts Express?

This one doesn't use much icing at all. Yet, it's surely in the Harry Potter spirit especially with the 9 3/4.

This one doesn’t use much icing at all. Yet, it’s surely in the Harry Potter spirit especially with the 9 3/4.

23. Add a dash of Dark Arts this Christmas with these Unforgivable Curse ornaments.

Because nothing says Christmas like 3 of the most powerful and sinister spells. You know spells that are classified as Unforgivable that they lead to a one way ticket to Azkaban. Except in the later Harry Potter books.

Because nothing says Christmas like 3 of the most powerful and sinister spells. You know spells that are classified as Unforgivable that they lead to a one way ticket to Azkaban on a life sentence. Except in the later Harry Potter books.

24. Make your Christmas tree more forbidden with vials of unicorn blood.

You know the substance that Voldemort sustained on when he was living in the back of Quirrell's head. Is forbidden by the Ministry of Magic and will result in the drinker living a half-life, a cursed life.

You know the substance that Voldemort sustained on when he was living in the back of Quirrell’s head. Is forbidden by the Ministry of Magic and will result in the drinker living a half-life, a cursed life.

25. It’s always nice have Christmas with a cozy gingerbread of Hagrid’s hut.

Just remember it's not very nice on the inside since housekeeping isn't Hagrid's strong suit. Still, Harry and his friends don't seem to mind.

Just remember it’s not very nice on the inside since housekeeping isn’t Hagrid’s strong suit. Still, Harry and his friends don’t seem to mind.

26. Grace your door with this magical Harry Potter Christmas wreath.

This one includes Hedwig, Harry, and a wand. And all are added in what would've been an otherwise normal Christmas wreath.

This one includes Hedwig, Harry, and a wand. And all are added in what would’ve been an otherwise normal Christmas wreath.

27. Solemnly swear you’re up to no good with this Marauder’s Map Christmas tree skirt.

Those are the words you say in order to open the Marauder's Map of Hogwarts which can monitor everyone. Makes me wonder why Fred and George didn't tell Ron about Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew. I mean they had to have known.

Those are the words you say in order to open the Marauder’s Map of Hogwarts which can monitor everyone. Makes me wonder why Fred and George didn’t tell Ron about Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew. I mean they had to have known.

28. This howler ornament is well worth the shout out.

After all, nothing says Christmas like a letter from your mom yelling at you after you and your best friend use the family car to get to Hogwarts which crashed into the Whomping Willow. And having that car go rogue ever since. Still, when Mrs. Weasley gets pissed, watch out.

After all, nothing says Christmas like a letter from your mom yelling at you after you and your best friend use the family car to get to Hogwarts which crashed into the Whomping Willow. And having that car go rogue ever since. Still, when Mrs. Weasley gets pissed, watch out.

29. For a touch of pink on your tree, this Umbridge ornament has you covered.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she seems to have a scale on her shoulder and is riding a tricycle, which might mean she's under torture. On the other hand, it might symbolize her authority which would make me cringe.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she seems to have a scale on her shoulder and is riding a tricycle, which might mean she’s under torture. On the other hand, it might symbolize her authority which would make me cringe.

30. This gingerbread Burrow is all full of Christmas cheer.

Now that seems more like how the Weasleys would decorate their house for the holidays. Like the wreaths on it.

Now that seems more like how the Weasleys would decorate their house for the holidays. Like the wreaths on it.

31. An owl on top of a Harry Potter Christmas tree can be especially magical.

This one even has a train track for the Hogwarts Express in the middle as well as a cauldron base. Love the candles surrounding the tree.

This one even has a train track for the Hogwarts Express in the middle as well as a cauldron base. Love the candles surrounding the tree.

32. Guess Hedwig has a little Christmas present.

Well, that's nice of Hedwig. Wonder who it's from. I'm guessing Hagrid or the Weasleys.

Well, that’s nice of Hedwig. Wonder who it’s from. I’m guessing Hagrid or the Weasleys.

33. How about a Christmas tree with golden snitches around it?

This one even has cups and spells all over it. Yet, doesn't use as much light as the other tree did.

This one even has cups and spells all over it. Yet, doesn’t use as much light as the other tree did.

34. Relive Harry’s first time in Dumbledore’s office with this Hallmark keepsake ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like being sent to the principal's office for freaking out a student with a talent you didn't know you had. Luckily Dumbledore already has an idea of who opened the Chamber of Secrets anyway.

For nothing says Christmas like being sent to the principal’s office for freaking out a student with a talent you didn’t know you had. Luckily Dumbledore already has an idea of who opened the Chamber of Secrets anyway.

35. This gingerbread Hogwarts is a real Christmas delight.

This one had to be from the Chamber of Secrets since Mr. Weasley's car is in the Whomping Willow. Don't worry, it'll find its way out.

This one had to be from the Chamber of Secrets since Mr. Weasley’s car is in the Whomping Willow. Don’t worry, it’ll find its way out.

36. This Marauder’s Map tree skirt will show exactly where you need to go.

Yes, this is another Marauder's Map tree skirt. But this one shows the actual map of Hogwarts.

Yes, this is another Marauder’s Map tree skirt. But this one shows the actual map of Hogwarts.

37. Now this seems like the ultimate Harry Potter Christmas tree.

This one has Hedwig on top, a Gryffindor scarf garland, the Hogwarts logo, and Harry's Firebolt. Still, is that Scabbers the rat?

This one has Hedwig on top, a Gryffindor scarf garland, the Hogwarts logo, and Harry’s Firebolt. Still, is that Scabbers the rat?

38. Any true Harry Potter fan should know where Harry catches the train.

Yes, Platform 9 3/4 it is. Since it's between Platforms 9 and 10 at the King's Cross station.

Yes, Platform 9 3/4 it is. Since it’s between Platforms 9 and 10 at the King’s Cross station.

39. Count down to Christmas with your own Harry Potter Advent calendar.

Each day has a surprise inside as well as features an aspect from the series. Like how it has the Great Hall Christmas scene from the first movie.

Each day has a surprise inside as well as features an aspect from the series. Like how it has the Great Hall Christmas scene from the first movie.

40. Snape fans would certainly want a Christmas ornament like this.

After all, his doe patronus and "Always" illustrate his undying love for Lily. Though it didn't encourage Snape to treat Harry better during Potions class.

After all, his doe patronus and “Always” illustrate his undying love for Lily. Though it didn’t encourage Snape to treat Harry better during Potions class.

41. Seems like we have ourselves a little Harry Potter snowman.

This bauble ornament even has a snow Headwig, too. All in all, this is adorable.

This bauble ornament even has a snow Headwig, too. All in all, this is adorable.

42. For a Harry Potter Christmas, nothing’s more golden than the Golden Snitch.

You know what Harry's charged to catch as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Still, this one seems easy to make.

You know what Harry’s charged to catch as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Still, this one seems easy to make.

43. There’s nothing more magical this Christmas like this gingerbread Hogwarts castle.

This one even includes a little Hagrid's hut, too. Not as intricate as some of the ones I've seen, but nonetheless charming.

This one even includes a little Hagrid’s hut, too. Not as intricate as some of the ones I’ve seen, but nonetheless charming.

44. Wake up Christmas morning in your very own ugly Harry Potter pajamas.

Yes, these are ugly Harry Potter PJs for Christmas. Sure they look festive yet, their existence defies all explanation.

Yes, these are ugly Harry Potter PJs for Christmas. Sure they look festive yet, their existence defies all explanation.

45. This gingerbread Hogwarts is an enchanting treat of its own.

Not sure what to think of this one. Then again, maybe I'm more used to looking at Hogwarts from a different angle than this.

Not sure what to think of this one. Then again, maybe I’m more used to looking at Hogwarts from a different angle than this.

46. For Hogwarts pride, feel free to show these ornaments on your tree.

It's a set that includes the Hogwarts logo along with the 4 Houses. I'm sure none of these come cheap.

It’s a set that includes the Hogwarts logo along with the 4 Houses. I’m sure none of these come cheap.

47. How about topping your Christmas tree with a golden snitch.

Well, that's a bright golden snitch, all right. Yet, the fact it's made from gold wires and lights certainly helps.

Well, that’s a bright golden snitch, all right. Yet, the fact it’s made from gold wires and lights certainly helps.

48. For a more magical Christmas, you might want to go with this Christmas wreath.

This one has owls, stars, quill, and a scroll with writing. Certainly a Harry Potter Christmas wreath if there was one.

This one has owls, stars, quill, and a scroll with writing. Certainly a Harry Potter Christmas wreath if there was one.

49. Pick a stocking for Christmas that’s respective of your Hogwarts House.

Wonder if any of the students have stockings like these at Hogwarts. Wouldn't be surprised.

Wonder if any of the students have stockings like these at Hogwarts. Wouldn’t be surprised.

50. A Harry Potter Christmas tree always has to have some big lanterns near the bottom.

Yet, another Harry Potter Christmas tree. At least it can bring out some degree of light. Or maybe not.

Yet, another Harry Potter Christmas tree. At least it can bring out some degree of light. Or maybe not.

51. These Harry Potter Christmas gingerbread cookies are magically tasty.

Say hello to the Harry Potter Christmas cookie assortment. Includes Dumbledore in a Santa hat long with stockings and Hogwarts.

Say hello to the Harry Potter Christmas cookie assortment. Includes Dumbledore in a Santa hat long with stockings and Hogwarts.

52. Show your support for the Dark Lord with this Dark Mark ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like pledging your support for Lord Voldemort and killing people to promote pureblood supremacy. This is just crazy.

For nothing says Christmas like pledging your support for Lord Voldemort and killing people to promote pureblood supremacy. This is just crazy.

53. Never forget anything again with this remembrall ornament.

It's a clear ball that turns red if you forget something. But as Neville said, he sometimes doesn't remember what he's forgotten.

It’s a clear ball that turns red if you forget something. But as Neville said, he sometimes doesn’t remember what he’s forgotten.

54. This gingerbread Hogwarts is pure winter wonderland.

This one has the roof covered in snow. Even has Harry and his friends, too.

This one has the roof covered in snow. Even has Harry and his friends, too.

55. Nothing sets your Christmas tree brewing like these potion ornaments.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a date rape drug, a truth serum, a potion that makes you change into someone else for an hour, or one that brings good luck. Seriously, if you don't understand me, read the books.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a date rape drug, a truth serum, a potion that makes you change into someone else for an hour, or one that brings good luck. Seriously, if you don’t understand me, read the books.

56. Select the ornament that best represents your Hogwarts House.

Yes, they have baubles for Hogwarts houses, too. This one is a more simplified image than most.

Yes, they have baubles for Hogwarts houses, too. This one is a more simplified image than most.

57. Anyone who likes Harry’s DADA teachers may enjoy these ornaments.

These seem to consist of cat plates, board questions, Moody's magic eye, chocolate bars, Lockhart's books, a boggart box, and Scabbers. You can guess which things belong to which one.

These seem to consist of cat plates, board questions, Moody’s magic eye, chocolate bars, Lockhart’s books, a boggart box, and Scabbers. You can guess which things belong to which one.

58. Feast your eyes on these Hogwarts snowflakes.

Each one is the color of a Hogwarts House. Hogwarts snowflake is the exception since it represents the whole school.

Each one is the color of a Hogwarts House. Hogwarts snowflake is the exception since it represents the whole school.

59. Make your Christmas tree fiery by topping it with a phoenix.

You can imagine that Dumbledore probably has a Christmas tree like this in his office. Or at least he should.

You can imagine that Dumbledore probably has a Christmas tree like this in his office. Or at least he should.

60. Drink your Christmas coffee with this Deathly Hallows yuletide mug.

It has the Deathly Hallows symbol as a Christmas tree. That has to be bloody brilliant as Ron would say.

It has the Deathly Hallows symbol as a Christmas tree. That has to be bloody brilliant as Ron would say.

61. Make your Christmas magical with this Deathly Hallows wreath at your door.

This is a lovely evergreen imprint of the Deathly Hallows which might not be too hard to make. And it's topped with a bow.

This is a lovely evergreen imprint of the Deathly Hallows which might not be too hard to make. And it’s topped with a bow.

62. For a more golden wreath, this one got you covered.

This one contains Deathly Halllows symbols, golden snitches, and scrolls. All on a wreath of pine cones.

This one contains Deathly Halllows symbols, golden snitches, and scrolls. All on a wreath of pine cones.

63. Guess this pillow shows what a lot of Harry Potter fans want for Christmas.

Yes, we all want our Hogwarts letter so we can go to that wizarding school to learn magic. But it's also a pretty dangerous place compared to most Muggle schools.

Yes, we all want our Hogwarts letter so we can go to that wizarding school to learn magic. But it’s also a pretty dangerous place compared to most Muggle schools.

64. How about grace your magical Christmas tree with some wizarding correspondence?

Consists of a Ministry of Magic flyer, Harry's letter from Hogwarts, the Marauder's Map, and a Malfada Hopkirk letter. The last one I had to look up.

Consists of a Ministry of Magic flyer, Harry’s letter from Hogwarts, the Marauder’s Map, and a Malfada Hopkirk letter. The last one I had to look up.

65. Merry Christmas courtesy of the Marauder’s Map.

Well, at least the Marauders know how to get into the holiday spirit. Though this card can use some more decoration.

Well, at least the Marauders know how to get into the holiday spirit. Though this card can use some more decoration.

66. Hope you have a Merry Christmas that’s stronger than death.

After all, this is a card that features a Deathly Hallows Christmas tree. If you've read all the books, you should know what it stands for.

After all, this is a card that features a Deathly Hallows Christmas tree. If you’ve read all the books, you should know what it stands for.

67. Don’t forget to wish your Muggle loved ones a merry Christmas.

After all, Muggles are people, too, you know. They just can't do any magic.

After all, Muggles are people, too, you know. They just can’t do any magic.

68. At Hogwarts, it’s usually Hagrid who has to play Santa.

After all, he's half-giant and the biggest guy at Hogwarts. Like how he has Fang in reindeer antlers and a Santa hat.

After all, he’s half-giant and the biggest guy at Hogwarts. Like how he has Fang in reindeer antlers and a Santa hat.

69. These engraved ornaments will help you show your Hogwarts pride.

Aside from the Hogwarts one, each represents a House. But be careful with them.

Aside from the Hogwarts one, each represents a House. But be careful with them.

70. This Harry Potter ornament display will surely bring out the magic.

However, I'm not sure if this is doable at home. But it's a great Christmas display so it goes on this post.

However, I’m not sure if this is doable at home. But it’s a great Christmas display so it goes on this post.

71. Show your Hogwarts pride with this ugly Christmas sweater.

It's maroon in order to look more official. But simply something Dumbledore would approve of.

It’s maroon in order to look more official. But simply something Dumbledore would approve of.

72. This ugly Christmas sweater really has the Harry Potter magic.

Yes, there are a lot of Harry Potter ugly Christmas sweaters out there. This one has the basic symbols covered.

Yes, there are a lot of Harry Potter ugly Christmas sweaters out there. This one has the basic symbols covered.

73. Anyone would be greatly enchanted with this gingerbread Hogwarts.

It even lights up from the inside. Still, certainly seems more realistic than some. Amazing.

It even lights up from the inside. Still, certainly seems more realistic than some. Amazing.

74. Remember, the cupboard under the stairs is only used for hiding Christmas presents.

Not as a room for an orphaned nephew you hate, as the Dursleys learned the hard way. Yeah, that's pretty awful.

Not as a room for an orphaned nephew you hate, as the Dursleys learned the hard way. Yeah, that’s pretty awful.

75. As Dumbledore said, turning on Christmas lights can go a long way.

Okay, Dumbledore didn't quite say that in the books. But you get the idea.

Okay, Dumbledore didn’t quite say that in the books. But you get the idea.

76. Remember, Dobby always appreciates getting Christmas cards.

Okay, I don't think the Malfoys would give Dobby a Christmas card. But this is adorable.

Okay, I don’t think the Malfoys would give Dobby a Christmas card. But this is adorable.

77. Hope you can wish Merry Christmas to even a filthy Muggle.

Don't worry, Muggles, that's just a term of endearment in the wizarding world. Still, I think it's funny.

Don’t worry, Muggles, that’s just a term of endearment in the wizarding world. Still, I think it’s funny.

78. Merry Christmas and turn to page 394 courtesy of Snape.

You have to hear this in Alan Rickman's voice from the movies to get it. The way he says it is just golden.

You have to hear this in Alan Rickman’s voice from the movies to get it. The way he says it is just golden.

79. This Christmas tree skirt is ideal for any Gryffindor common room.

Well, it's more Harry Potter. But since he's in Gryffindor, it's red and gold.

Well, it’s more Harry Potter. But since he’s in Gryffindor, it’s red and gold.

80. Perhaps you can hang one of these Hogwarts stockings on your fireplace.

Aside from the black Hogwarts one, each stocking represents a house. Choose the one that suits you best.

Aside from the black Hogwarts one, each stocking represents a house. Choose the one that suits you best.

81. This Hogwarts Christmas sweater is sure to delight in its vibrant colors.

This one consists of vibrant sleeves that are striped with black, blue, red, green, and yellow. They represent the Hogwarts houses.

This one consists of vibrant sleeves that are striped with black, blue, red, green, and yellow. They represent the Hogwarts houses.

82. Snape always believes in Santa.

I'm not sure if he even does because I have a hard time picturing it. But this is a good card.

I’m not sure if he even does because I have a hard time picturing it. But this is a good card.

83. Always wish a happy Christmas to S.P.E.W.

In Harry Potter, S.P.E.W. stands for Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Hermione started it as a way to help house elves though she didn't know what she was getting into at the time.

In Harry Potter, S.P.E.W. stands for Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Hermione started it as a way to help house elves though she didn’t know what she was getting into at the time.

84. When in Hogsmeade, you can’t celebrate the holiday season without butterbeer.

Yes, I don't get the thing about butterbeer in Harry Potter. But this shirt is surely in the Christmas spirit.

Yes, I don’t get the thing about butterbeer in Harry Potter. But this shirt is surely in the Christmas spirit.

85. Hope you like to see Moaning Myrtle on toilet seat this Christmas.

My guess is that she doesn't really mean, "wand" here. Still, she's a teenage ghost, what do you expect?

My guess is that she doesn’t really mean, “wand” here. Still, she’s a teenage ghost, what do you expect?

86. Guess this Christmas tree really brings out the Hogwarts spirit.

I think this one was featured in a British news website. Was said to get a lot of buzz. Like how they used the house colors.

I think this one was featured in a British news website. Was said to get a lot of buzz. Like how they used the house colors.

87. Nothing brings the Christmas spirit like hanging these Harry Potter ornaments on your tree.

This is a rare set that might've came out before the movies. As the illustrations indicate.

This is a rare set that might’ve came out before the movies. As the illustrations indicate.

88. Nobody should celebrate Christmas without a tree of Snape.

Yes, there are a lot of huge Snape fans out there. But this one really takes the cake. Yeah, not sure if Snape really shows the Christmas spirit.

Yes, there are a lot of huge Snape fans out there. But this one really takes the cake. Yeah, not sure if Snape really shows the Christmas spirit.

89. Celebrate the holiday season with this magically ugly Harry Potter Christmas sweater.

You can understand there aren't a lot of limits to how many Harry Potter ugly sweaters there are. But this one is in a rich red with the Deathly Hallows mark.

You can understand there aren’t a lot of limits to how many Harry Potter ugly sweaters there are. But this one is in a rich red with the Deathly Hallows mark.

90. If you like Mrs. Weasley, perhaps grace this sweater ornament on her tree.

Because her sweater is simply amazing. Just have to love the colors on those sleeves.

Because her sweater is simply amazing. Just have to love the colors on those sleeves.

91. Don’t worry, this stag patronus stocking will protect you over the holidays.

After all, we all know it's Harry's patronus. Should keep the Dementors from sucking out your soul.

After all, we all know it’s Harry’s patronus. Should keep the Dementors from sucking out your soul.

92. Hope this Harry Potter sweater puts you in a Christmas mood.

Yet, another ugly Christmas sweater. There just seems no stop to it.

Yet, another ugly Christmas sweater. There just seems no stop to it.

93. Dumbledore believes you can never have enough socks.

Well, Dumbledore can seem like an eccentric old guy at first. But he's not one to be messed with.

Well, Dumbledore can seem like an eccentric old guy at first. But he’s not one to be messed with.

94. Choose your crocheted house tree skirt wisely.

Does each house Christmas tree have their own unique tree skirt? Not sure if I'd want to know that.

Does each house Christmas tree have their own unique tree skirt? Not sure if I’d want to know that.

95. A Harry Potter tree like this is simply golden.

Well, this one has lightning bolts and Quidditch hoops on it. There are even some golden snitches, too.

Well, this one has lightning bolts and Quidditch hoops on it. There are even some golden snitches, too.

96. All these ornaments bear the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

And they're all in a variety of different colors. Must be for Xenophilius Lovegood's Christmas tree.

And they’re all in a variety of different colors. Must be for Xenophilius Lovegood’s Christmas tree.

97. Each of these ornaments come in one of its house colors.

And there seem to be about 2 for each color and 12 in total. Do I need to tell you which house each one belongs to?

And there seem to be about 2 for each color and 12 in total. Do I need to tell you which house each one belongs to?

98. Hang these ornaments on your tree of Harry Potter and his friends.

These baubles depict Harry, Ron, and Hermione on broomsticks. Got to love these.

These baubles depict Harry, Ron, and Hermione on broomsticks. Got to love these.

99. How about a stocking like this for a magical Christmas?

Like the ornament set, this too, might've been around before the movies came out. But it certainly fits the magical mood to say the least.

Like the ornament set, this too, might’ve been around before the movies came out. But it certainly fits the magical mood to say the least.

100. Looks like the Hogwarts Express pulled in for the holidays.

Sure it's just the train station at Hogwarts. But it's certainly a delightful design. I'll take it.

Sure it’s just the train station at Hogwarts. But it’s certainly a delightful design. I’ll take it.

Hogwarts Teacher Evaluations by Albus Dumbledore

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Dumbledore's_speech_at_the_Great_Hall_in_1996

Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

 

  1. Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

 

  1. Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

 

  1. Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

 

  1. Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

 

  1. Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

 

  1. Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

 

  1. Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

 

  1. Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

 

  1. Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

 

  1. Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

 

  1. Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

 

  1. Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

 

  1. Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

 

  1. Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

 

  1. Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

 

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

 

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

 

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.

 

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 10 – Lady Kate Percy to John of Lancaster

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
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For some reason, the 3 witches have been paying excessive attention to Macbeth since he became Thane of Cawdor. Do they just predict the future or are they intent on causing trouble? No one knows.

So now we’re down to the last post. You might notice that there’s not a lot of women in Shakespeare’s plays. Well, there’s a reason for that. In the Bard’s day, all actors were men and most women’s roles were played by preteen or teenage boys or young men. Since many of Shakespeare’s heroines dressed in drag, these would’ve been men dressed up as women dressed as men. I know it’s confusing. Still, such theatrics existed because women weren’t allowed to perform on stage during Shakespeare’s lifetime. So this would mean that the original Juliet was played by a dude, which most people nowadays would consider unthinkable for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, women wouldn’t appear on stage in England until the later 1600s since King Charles II enjoyed watching actresses on stage. However, until the 1800s, actors were typically looked down upon as many actresses often courtesans and associated with promiscuity. In our final selection, I give you the last set of Shakespearean players consisting of Lady Percy, Sextus Pompey and Lepidus from Antony and Cleopatra, John of Lancaster, the Earl of Warwick, Eleanor of Gloucester, Florizel and Perdita from The Winter’s Tale, Virgilia and Tullus Aufidius from Coriolanus, Owen Glendower, Lucentio from Taming of the Shrew, the Witches from Macbeth, Paroles from All’s Well That Ends Well, and the Ghost from Hamlet.

 

136. Lady Kate Percy

"O my good lord, why are you thus alone?/For what offence have I this fortnight been/A banished woman from my Harry's bed?/Tell me, sweet lord, what is 't that takes from thee/Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?/Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,/And start so often when thou sit'st alone?/Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks/And given my treasures and my rights of thee/To thick-eyed musing and cursed melancholy?" - Act II, Scene 3. Wonder what's keeping Hotspur from sleeping with his wife. Then again, that's Lady Mary so it kind of explains a lot.

“O my good lord, why are you thus alone?/For what offence have I this fortnight been/A banished woman from my Harry’s bed?/Tell me, sweet lord, what is ‘t that takes from thee/Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?/Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,/And start so often when thou sit’st alone?/Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks/And given my treasures and my rights of thee/To thick-eyed musing and cursed melancholy?” – Act II, Scene 3 in Henry IV Part 1. Wonder what’s keeping Hotspur from sleeping with his wife. Then again, that’s Lady Mary so it kind of explains a lot.

From: Henry IV Parts 1 and 2

Pro: Well, she’s practically a saint as well as witty, patient, and playful with her beloved husband. Calls out her father-in-law for sending her husband to war before calling in sick.

Con: However, she tends to be horny and neglected since her husband prefers the battlefield to their bedroom. Always complains about his disinterest in sex and on more than one occasion, playfully threatens to “break” his dick (which is the medieval equivalent of going Lorena Bobbit on him). It doesn’t work and he gets killed.

Fate: Ends up a widow as of Henry IV Part 2.

 

137. Sextus Pompey the Younger

"My powers are crescent, and my auguring hope/Says it will come to th' full. Mark Antony/In Egypt sits at dinner, and will make/No wars without doors. Caesar gets money where/He loses hearts. Lepidus flatters both,/Of both is flattered; but he neither loves,/Nor either cares for him." - Act II, Scene 1. Well, Pompey seems to have insight to the political situation. Too bad he's too honorable for his own good.

“My powers are crescent, and my auguring hope/Says it will come to th’ full. Mark Antony/In Egypt sits at dinner, and will make/No wars without doors. Caesar gets money where/He loses hearts. Lepidus flatters both,/Of both is flattered; but he neither loves,/Nor either cares for him.” – Act II, Scene 1. Well, Pompey seems to have insight to the political situation. Too bad he’s too honorable for his own good.

From: Antony and Cleopatra

Pro: Despite being a pain in the ass for the Romans, he’s actually an okay guy. Is guided by reason and honor instead of passion. Plays by the rules. Well loved by the people. Faces his fate nobly. Is willing to negotiate against his enemies before he goes to war with them. Would rather compromise than have blood shed, not out of cowardice but common sense. Also, invites his enemies to party on his boat and refuses have any of them killed. Because when he makes a truce, he means it.

Con: Gets confused for his more famous dad in the history books. Rebels against Rome in order to avenge his dad’s death at the hands of Julius Caesar and against the new triumvirate. Also, he would’ve fared better if he listened to Menas and have the drunken triumvirs killed since these are guys would probably shoot him in a back alley (well, except Antony).

Fate: Ends up executed on Octavius Caesar’s orders.

 

138. Lucentio

"Love wrought these miracles. Bianca's love/Made me exchange my state with Tranio,/While he did bear my countenance in the town." - Act V, Scene 1. However, he has no idea on what Bianca's really like. He just loved what he saw of her.

“Love wrought these miracles. Bianca’s love/Made me exchange my state with Tranio,/While he did bear my countenance in the town.” – Act V, Scene 1. However, he has no idea on what Bianca’s really like. He just loved what he saw of her.

From: Taming of the Shrew

Pro: Devises an intricate and fanciful fan to get into Bianca’s pants by disguising himself as her tutor. Convinces her to defy her dad. Seems to be a better guy than Petruchio at first, especially in how he treats Bianca since his desire to marry is based on romantic love.

Con: He’s an idiot who has no idea what he’s doing. Quickly abandons his education to fall in love and later elope with Bianca. However, he tends to fall for what he initially sees like her exterior façade, not her as a person.

Fate: Marries Bianca but loses the bet to Petruchio. Guess he didn’t know what he was getting into. Loses some money and street cred.

 

139. Lepidus

"Noble friends,/That which combined us was most great, and let not/A leaner action rend us. What's amiss,/May it be gently heard. When we debate/Our trivial difference loud, we do commit/Murder in healing wounds. Then, noble partners,/The rather for I earnestly beseech,/Touch you the sourest points with sweetest terms,/Nor curstness grow to th' matter." - Act II, Scene 2. Sure he may be right. But remember, this "let's rule Rome together thing," isn't really working out too well.

“Noble friends,/That which combined us was most great, and let not/A leaner action rend us. What’s amiss,/May it be gently heard. When we debate/Our trivial difference loud, we do commit/Murder in healing wounds. Then, noble partners,/The rather for I earnestly beseech,/Touch you the sourest points with sweetest terms,/Nor curstness grow to th’ matter.” – Act II, Scene 2. Sure he may be right. But remember, this “let’s rule Rome together thing,” isn’t really working out too well.

From: Julius Caesar and Antony and Cleopatra

Pro: Generally a good guy with a conciliatory nature and tries to make everyone friends.

Con: Weakest of the second triumvirate. Is blind to everyone’s passion and treachery. Doesn’t do much. Is seen as a laughingstock even to his friends and inferiors, especially when he gets drunk. Is more interested in Egyptian animals than Antony and Octavius getting on each other’s nerves. So naïve that he’s torn between men he thinks are his friends but ends up losing his position and freedom. Is basically a lamb in a pack of a political wolves. Not to mention, he believes that people have the common good in mind while they’re actually thinking of their own personal good.

Fate: Ends up caged and executed by Octavius Caesar.

 

140. Paroles

"There's little can be said in 't. 'Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience." - Act I, Scene 1. Guess this guy hasn't heard about "double standards" does he? Still, he doesn't get much action because he's a complete jerk.

“There’s little can be said in ‘t. ‘Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience.” – Act I, Scene 1. Guess this guy hasn’t heard about “double standards” does he? Still, he doesn’t get much action because he’s a complete jerk.

From: All’s Well That Ends Well

Pro: Well, he’s charismatic and funny to watch. Doesn’t really force Bertram into doing anything.

Con: He’s the Stifler of Shakespearean drama. He’s raunchy, sexist, and all around revolting as well as a guy Holden Caulfield would call, “a phony bastard.” Tries to convince Helen to lose her virginity which is very appalling. As a soldier, he tends to have a big mouth for talking about how great he is as a war hero and a ladies man when in fact, he’s neither. His talking dirty to girls and every woman he comes into contact ends up hating him. On the battlefield, he’s a complete chicken for when he loses his drum on the battlefield, he just stands around trying to come up with a story to convince he’s friends he’s injured. This blows in his face when his friends show up disguised as enemy soldiers. After he’s captured, it doesn’t take him long to sell out his friends in exchange for his freedom. Basically all talk and no action. Is the Countess’s worst nightmare who thinks he’s a terrible influence on her son Bertram. After all, he encourages her son to ditch his wife and acts as a go-between when he tries to have an extra-marital affair with Diana. Also gives Bertram silly advice.

Fate: Is eventually exposed as a coward and a liar.

 

141. The Weird Sisters

"Double, double toil and trouble;/Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." - Act IV, Scene 1. Seems like they're on to something. But what, you may never know.

“Double, double toil and trouble;/Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.” – Act IV, Scene 1. Seems like they’re on to something. But what, you may never know.

From: Macbeth

Pro: Well, since they’re witches, they tend to be quite accurate in predicting the future. Also, have a lot of memorable chants and songs. Not to mention, these women shouldn’t be underestimated.

Con: However, they partly responsible for Macbeth killing Duncan and are kind of freaky looking. Tend to represent evil, darkness, chaos, and conflict. Also we’re not sure whether they’re toiling with human lives or agents of fate.

Fate: No one knows what happened to them.

 

142. Virgilia

"Indeed, no, by your patience; I'll not over the threshold till my lord return from the wars." - Act I, Scene 3. She doesn't really say a lot in this play. Maybe it's for the best.

“Indeed, no, by your patience; I’ll not over the threshold till my lord return from the wars.” – Act I, Scene 3. She doesn’t really say a lot in this play. Maybe it’s for the best.

From: Coriolanus

Pro: She’s a perfect wife and mom who’s chaste, obedient, loving, and silent. However, she hates seeing her husband Coriolanus off to war and is one of the only characters in the cast who hates violence while even her mother-in-law and best friend talk about blood and guts.

Con: Usually keeps her own opinions to herself because she knows that whatever she says won’t influence her husband’s actions (save that one time when it came to sparing Rome). Has no influence on her son’s upbringing whatsoever.

Fate: I don’t think things will go well for her now that her husband’s dad. Because she still lives with her mother-in-law and I’m she’ll be more of an influence to her son Martius than her. And it doesn’t help that he likes to torture butterflies and turning out to be like his old man.

 

143. Tullus Aufidius

"Know thou first,/I loved the maid I married; never man/Sigh'd truer breath. But that I see thee here,/Thou noble thing, more dances my rapt heart/Than when I first my wedded mistress saw/Bestride my threshold." - Act IV, Scene 5. Okay, that seems to have some homoerotic undertones. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

“Know thou first,/I loved the maid I married; never man/Sigh’d truer breath. But that I see thee here,/Thou noble thing, more dances my rapt heart/Than when I first my wedded mistress saw/Bestride my threshold.” – Act IV, Scene 5. Okay, that seems to have some homoerotic undertones. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

From: Coriolanus

Pro: He’s a tough Volscian general who respects Coriolanus as a soldier and is seen as a noble adversary. So when Coriolanus gets kicked out of Rome, he takes the guy in.

Con: Unfortunately, he’s not too keen on sparing Rome and negotiating peace treaties. Also kind of jealous of Coriolanus’s popularity that he eventually accuses him of treason and kills the guy. Afterward, he stands over his corpse in triumph.

Fate: We’re not sure what happens to him. But the Romans won’t be happy and he will not meet a good fate when they capture him.

 

144. King Hamlet Sr.

"I am thy father's spirit,/Doomed for a certain term to walk the night/And for the day confined to fast in fires/Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature/Are burnt and purged away." - Act 1, Scene 5. So let me guess, he wants Hamlet to kill Claudius. Why does revenge always seem to be the answer?

“I am thy father’s spirit,/Doomed for a certain term to walk the night/And for the day confined to fast in fires/Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature/Are burnt and purged away.” – Act 1, Scene 5. So let me guess, he wants Hamlet to kill Claudius. Why does revenge always seem to be the answer?

From: Hamlet

Pro: Well, at least he has some consideration to tell his son what happened from beyond the grave when he gets home. Basically was right about Claudius killing him. Tells Hamlet to be nice to his mom. Well loved and idolized by his son.

Con: Basically tells Hamlet to kill King Claudius so he could be purged of his sins. May not be as straightforward as he seems that Hamlet has to put on a play to realize he’s right. His actions on the war with Norway show us that he wasn’t as great a king as his son thinks. May be a figment of Hamlet’s imagination.

Fate: Well, he’s already dead. But I’m sure he’s going to have company so he won’t be too lonely. Then again, he might be a figure of Hamlet’s imagination.

 

145. Owen Glendower

"I am not in the roll of common men." Act III, Scene 1. No wonder Hotspur thinks he's kind of weird. But he shouldn't have alienated him.

“I am not in the roll of common men.” Act III, Scene 1. No wonder Hotspur thinks he’s kind of weird. But he shouldn’t have alienated him.

From: Henry IV Part 1

Pro: He’s a capable Welsh rebel leader who’s trying to get independence for his country. And he’s also single-handedly pushing the English out of Wales. Must be doing something right.

Con: Believes he has superpowers such as summoning demons and performing magic as well as that heaven and earth shook on his arrival. Spends a strategy meeting promising to use his “powers” to drive out English forces. Even Hotspur thinks this he’s bonkers. Yet, can’t amass his troops in time to back up Hotspur for the Battle of Shrewsbury.

Fate: Dies off stage of an illness.

 

146. Florizel

"When you do dance, I wish you/A wave o’ the sea, that you might ever do/Nothing but that."- Act IV, Scene 4. That's sweet. But I'm afraid your dad won't let you marry the shepherd girl (unless he finds out she's a princess).

“When you do dance, I wish you/A wave o’ the sea, that you might ever do/Nothing but that.”- Act IV, Scene 4. That’s sweet. But I’m afraid your dad won’t let you marry the shepherd girl (unless he finds out she’s a princess).

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: Helps Perdita calm her fears about disparity in their social statuses. Would rather lose everything than be apart from Perdita when his dad threatens his son’s happiness. And he runs off to Sicily with her before Polixenes could disfigure her face, hoping to hide in Leontes’s court. This helps restore her family relationships as well as Leontes’s friendship with his dad. Youthful presence has a healing effect on Leontes and his ailing court.

Con: Unfortunately, none of his actions helped reunite all of Leontes’s family.

Fate: Ends up with Perdita.

 

147. Perdita

"Even now I tremble/To think your father, by some accident,/Should pass this way as you did: O, the Fates!/How would he look, to see his work so noble/Vilely bound up? What would he say? Or how/ Should I, in these my borrow'd flaunts, behold/The sternness of his presence?" - Act IV, Scene 4. Well, if you were "Queen of the Feast," you might feel the same way.

“Even now I tremble/To think your father, by some accident,/Should pass this way as you did: O, the Fates!/How would he look, to see his work so noble/Vilely bound up? What would he say? Or how/
Should I, in these my borrow’d flaunts, behold/The sternness of his presence?” – Act IV, Scene 4. Well, if you were “Queen of the Feast,” you might feel the same way.

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: She’s a beautiful girl who’s survived jail and being abandoned in the woods before she could even walk. Oh, and she was raised by two shepherd guys but certainly doesn’t look like it. Her return to Sicily with her boyfriend Florizel gives new life to the kingdom.

Con: Doesn’t really have much character depth. Has no idea who she is.

Fate: Ends up with Florizel and is reunited with her parents. Oh, and her shepherd dads are ennobled there, too. However, her older brother is still dead.

 

148. Duchess Eleanor of Gloucester

"My shame will not be shifted with my sheet:/ No, it will hang upon my richest robes/And show itself, attire me how I can. /Go, lead the way; I long to see my prison." - Act II, Scene 4. And there she goes on her walk of shame because she consulted with witches. That's pretty harsh.

“My shame will not be shifted with my sheet:/
No, it will hang upon my richest robes/And show itself, attire me how I can. /Go, lead the way; I long to see my prison.” – Act II, Scene 4. And there she goes on her walk of shame because she consulted with witches. That’s pretty harsh.

From: Henry VI Part 2

Pro: Though ambitious, she’s not as bad as Queen Margaret. Also learned her lesson.

Con: Thinks her husband can become king which makes her husband mad at her. Also consulting with witches to tell the future only works in Macbeth (then again maybe not). When caught, this gets her arrested, publicly humiliated, and banished. This makes her so overcome with shame and her downfall spells the beginning of the end for her husband, too.

Fate: Is exiled to the Isle of Man. But compared to what happened to her husband, she got off easy.

 

149. Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick

"Lo, now my glory smear'd in dust and blood!/My parks, my walks, my manors that I had,/Even now forsake me; and, of all my lands, Is nothing left me, but my body's length!/Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust?/And, live we how we can, yet die we must." - Act V, Scene 2. He's not going to last long. Maybe he shouldn't have switched sides over Edward IV's marriage choice.

“Lo, now my glory smear’d in dust and blood!/My parks, my walks, my manors that I had,/Even now forsake me; and, of all my lands,
Is nothing left me, but my body’s length!/Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust?/And, live we how we can, yet die we must.” – Act V, Scene 2 in Henry VI Part 3. He’s not going to last long. Maybe he shouldn’t have switched sides over Edward IV’s marriage choice.

From: Henry VI Parts 2 and 3

Pro: He’s an honorable guy and wants a king he could really respect. Eventually sees that York’s claim to the throne was just a power grab.

Con: Can’t stand it when someone goes back on his word. Though he devotes his whole life to the York cause, he switches sides when Edward dumps the woman he chose for him for another he takes as his wife. Has done nothing with his life other than try to make other people kings and feels that none of his land holdings matter. Totally gets played and he knows it.

Fate: Dies in battle.

 

150. Prince John of Lancaster

"I pawn'd thee none:/I promis'd you redress of these same grievances/Whereof you did complain; which, by mine honour, /I will perform with a most Christian care./But for you, rebels—look to taste the due/Meet for rebellion and such acts as yours. " - Act IV, Scene 4 in Henry IV Part 2. Basically he means, "Just because I promised to address your complaints doesn't mean I'm sparing your lives."

“I pawn’d thee none:/I promis’d you redress of these same grievances/Whereof you did complain; which, by mine honour, /I will perform with a most Christian care./But for you, rebels—look to taste the due/Meet for rebellion and such acts as yours. ” – Act IV, Scene 4 in Henry IV Part 2. Basically he means, “Just because I promised to address your complaints doesn’t mean I’m sparing your lives.”

From: Henry IV Parts 1 and 2

Pro: On the outside, he seems to be the complete opposite of his older brother Hal. He’s responsible, respected by nobles at court, and fights courageously. Able to defeat the crown’s remaining enemies through manipulation and political know-how.

Con: Though he gets rebel leaders to surrender by promising to lay down their arms at a designated location in exchange that he’ll redress their grievances, he then immediately orders their executions (but, hey, he didn’t say he’d pardon them).

Fate: Fate unknown as of Henry IV Part 2.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 9 – Oliver to King Duncan

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
Valentine_rescuing_Silvia

I’m sure this love entanglement will sort itself out. So here’s the deal. Valentine and Proteus are best friends and both like Silvia. But Julia likes Proteus so she goes after him. And Silvia prefers Valentine over Proteus and he’s not happy about that. Yeah, it’s that kind of story.

Now we’re approaching this penultimate post. You might notice that a lot of Shakespeare’s plays tend to contain some supernatural elements like ghosts, witches, wizards, and fairies. However, while belief in the supernatural is apparent in the Elizabethan era, sometimes its existence in Shakespeare’s plays isn’t as clear. For instance, the ghost of King Hamlet is subject to much debate as to whether it really is a ghost or an extent of Hamlet’s imagination. On one hand, the ghost asks Hamlet to take revenge against his uncle who killed him which turns out to be true by the way. On the other hand, Horatio can see it, too, and his dad told him to leave his mother alone which Hamlet did not. Then there are the witches in Macbeth whose predictions seem to almost always come true but whether they’re fiddling in human affairs or agents of fate is the question. Anyway, in this penultimate selection, I bring you more great Shakespearean figures such as Oliver from As You Like It, Proteus, Valentine, Julia, and Silvia from Two Gentlemen of Verona, Prince Escalus and Count Paris from Romeo and Juliet, Pisanio from Cymbeline, Sir Andrew Aguecheek and Maria from Twelfth Night, Jack Cade, King Alonso and Gonzalo from The Tempest, Brabantio from Othello, and King Duncan from Macbeth.

 

121. Oliver

"Now will I stir this gamester: I hope I shall see an end of him: for my soul, yet I know not why, hates nothing more than he. Yet he's gentle; never schooled and yet learned; full of noble device; of all sorts enchantingly beloved; and, indeed, so much in the heart of the world, and especially of my own people, who best know him, that I am altogether misprised: but it shall not be so long; this wrestler shall clear all: nothing remains but that I kindle the boy thither, which now I'll go about." - Act I, Scene 1. Basically he's saying, "My little brother is such a great guy. I hate him and wish he was dead."

“Now will I stir this gamester: I hope I shall see an end of him: for my soul, yet I know not why, hates nothing more than he. Yet he’s gentle; never schooled and yet learned; full of noble device; of all sorts enchantingly beloved; and, indeed, so much in the heart of the world, and especially of my own people, who best know him, that I am altogether misprised: but it shall not be so long; this wrestler shall clear all: nothing remains but that I kindle the boy thither, which now I’ll go about.” – Act I, Scene 1. Basically he’s saying, “My little brother is such a great guy. I hate him and wish he was dead.”

From: As You Like It

Pro: Well, he at least shapes up once he falls for Celia and is saved by Orlando from a snake and wild lion attack (don’t ask).

Con: Treats his little brother Orlando like he treats his servants in which he refuses to give him his rightful inheritance or pay for his schooling. Tries to have Orlando killed by a wrestler at court. Basically hates Orlando because his kid brother seems inherently good which makes him seem mean-spirited and hateful for no good reason.

Fate: Marries Celia in a wedding ceremony with Orlando and Rosalind, Touchstone and Audrey, and Silvanus and Phebe.

 

122. Proteus

"The best way is, to slander Valentine/With falsehood, cowardice, and poor descent;/Three things that women highly hold in hate." - Act III, Scene 2. Sorry, Proteus, but I don't think Silvia is going to buy that. Because she's not that into you.

“The best way is, to slander Valentine/With falsehood, cowardice, and poor descent;/Three things that women highly hold in hate.” – Act III, Scene 2. Sorry, Proteus, but I don’t think Silvia is going to buy that. Because she’s not that into you.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: Well, at least he ends up falling for his old girlfriend Julia in the end which makes Valentine and Silvia happy. Might be capable of self-revelation and change.

Con: He’s erratic and changeable that he falls in and out of love as often as some people change their clothes. Has no trouble being two-faced as he betrays his best friend and lies to just about everyone he knows. Stabs Valentine in the back when he tries to rape Silvia.

Fate: Marries Julia but his transformation his skeptical at best.

 

123. Valentine

"She is mine own,/And I as rich in having such a jewel/As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,/The water nectar, and the rocks pure gold." - Act II, Scene 4. Valentine better watch it making out with Silvia behind the Duke's back. Because the Duke might end up banishing him for it.

“She is mine own,/And I as rich in having such a jewel/As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,/The water nectar, and the rocks pure gold.” – Act II, Scene 4. Valentine better watch it making out with Silvia behind the Duke’s back. Because the Duke might end up banishing him for it.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: He’s loyal to Proteus to a fault and loves Silvia that he’ll risk his neck to be with her.

Con: Doesn’t know his best friend Proteus as well as he thinks he does. Also, Silvia wouldn’t like it if he gave her up to Proteus because she doesn’t want him. Oh, and he kind of let Proteus off easy for trying to rape his girlfriend. Has a cynical idea toward love. Places Silvia on a pedestal when she treats him like a servant.

Fate: Marries Silvia but in some ways, it’s “bros before hos” for him.

 

124. Silvia

"A fine volley of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot off." - Act II, Scene 4. Wonder if she's being sarcastic saying this. Wouldn't be surprised.

“A fine volley of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot off.” – Act II, Scene 4. Wonder if she’s being sarcastic saying this. Wouldn’t be surprised.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: Loves Valentine that she rebels against her dad and plans to elope with him as well as runs away to the forest to see him after he’s banished. Is bold, kind, and incredibly loyal as well as the only voice of morality and fidelity. Refuses to accept Proteus’s ring because she doesn’t want to hurt Julia’s feelings.

Con: Unfortunately, she falls for a guy who puts “bros before hos” that he’s willing to give her to Proteus after he tries to rape her.

Fate: Marries Valentine, but he’s still putting Proteus before her.

 

125. Julia

"Fie, fie! how wayward is this foolish love,/That, like a testy babe, will scratch the nurse,/And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod!" - Act I, Scene 2. Still, it doesn't stop her from going after Proteus in drag.

“Fie, fie! how wayward is this foolish love,/That, like a testy babe, will scratch the nurse,/And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod!” – Act I, Scene 2. Still, it doesn’t stop her from going after Proteus in drag.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: Loves Proteus so much that she’s willing to follow him to Milan dressed as a boy whose willing to give a ring to Julia. Very beautiful woman with suitors galore in Verona. She’s also clever enough to get a job as Proteus’s pageboy. Helps repair Proteus and Valentine’s friendship by befriending Silvia and talking about herself.

Con: Is initially fickle in her affections to Proteus when she tries to conceal her feelings for him and play hard to get. Unfortunately, Proteus is a turd who shifts affections to his best friend’s girl once he’s in Milan. Oh, and I’m sure she could do better than him.

Fate: Marries Proteus. Still, she doesn’t deserve the guy.

 

126. Maria

"That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer." - Act I, Scene 3. Well, she has a point about drinking since it doesn't help one's liver.

“That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.” – Act I, Scene 3. Well, she has a point about drinking since it doesn’t help one’s liver.

From: Twelfth Night

Pro: Well, she’s smart, witty, and very loyal to Olivia. She also likes to have a very good time. Also, she and Sir Toby Belch seem to have a healthier relationship than some Shakespearean couples since they know each other and have a similar sense of humor. And it seems that they love each other for themselves for Toby doesn’t care about her dowry nor does she care about his money either. Not to mention, she can certainly deal with his flaws as well.

Con: She has a vindictive streak and sets out to humiliate Malvolio after getting fed up with his criticisms of her. Devising an intricate prank that included forging a letter that leads him to make an ass of himself was kind of low.

Fate: Marries Sir Toby Belch and might be cast out by Olivia for being complicit in prank on Malvolio.

 

127. Gonzalo

"All things in common nature should produce/Without sweat or endeavor; treason, felony,/Sword, pike, knife, gun, or need of any engine/Would I not have; but nature should bring forth/Of its own kind, all foison, all abundance,/To feed my innocent people." - Act II, Scene 1. Basically, he's saying if he ruled the island, he'd just leave things as they are. Unfortunately, colonialism doesn't work that way.

“All things in common nature should produce/Without sweat or endeavor; treason, felony,/Sword, pike, knife, gun, or need of any engine/Would I not have; but nature should bring forth/Of its own kind, all foison, all abundance,/To feed my innocent people.” – Act II, Scene 1. Basically, he’s saying if he ruled the island, he’d just leave things as they are. Unfortunately, colonialism doesn’t work that way.

From: The Tempest

Pro: He’s the guy who provided Prospero and Miranda with food, water, books, and other “stuffs and necessities” when they’re pushed out to sea. Also the only character in the play to see Caliban as more than just a demonic beast. Is honest with a good heart and an optimistic outlook which helps his situation. Tries to break up a nasty argument between sailors and royals.

Con: Despite being right about everything, nobody listens to him.

Fate: Leaves the island and returns to Naples.

 

128. Brabantio

"Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:/She has deceived her father, and may thee." - Act I, Scene 3. Really? So you're saying that if your daughter could deceive you by marrying a Moor, she could also cheat on her husband. That's a terrible thing to say to a son-in-law, especially Othello.

“Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:/She has deceived her father, and may thee.” – Act I, Scene 3. Really? So you’re saying that if your daughter could deceive you by marrying a Moor, she could also cheat on her husband. That’s a terrible thing to say to a son-in-law, especially Othello.

From: Othello

Pro: Is rich. He likes Othello enough to invite him into his house.

Con: However, he’s unsurprisingly not comfortable with Othello eloping with his daughter Desdemona mostly due to very stupid reasons like racism. That or seeing his daughter as his property and sees her marriage as a potential business transaction that can’t happen. Thinks his daughter marrying a black man as bad as her cheating on her husband. Accuses his new son-in-law of witchcraft as well as tries to have him stripped of his title. When he fails that, he disowns his daughter. Oh, and he tells Othello that if Desdemona can deceive her dad, she could deceive him.

Fate: Dies of grief over his daughter marrying Othello. Not that he will be missed.

 

129. King Alonso

"O, it is monstrous, monstrous!/Methought the billows spoke and told me of it;/The winds did sing it to me, and the thunder,/That deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced/The name of Prosper. It did bass my trespass./Therefore my son i' th' ooze is bedded, and/I'll seek him deeper than e'er plummet sounded,/And with him there lie mudded." - Act II, Scene 1. Seems like King Alonso is willing to face his treachery against Prospero even if it horrifies him. However, Prospero probably just wants to get home.

“O, it is monstrous, monstrous!/Methought the billows spoke and told me of it;/The winds did sing it to me, and the thunder,/That deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced/The name of Prosper. It did bass my trespass./Therefore my son i’ th’ ooze is bedded, and/I’ll seek him deeper than e’er plummet sounded,/And with him there lie mudded.” – Act II, Scene 1. Seems like King Alonso is willing to face his treachery against Prospero even if it horrifies him. However, Prospero probably just wants to get home.

From: The Tempest

Pro: Well, he’s a decent parent since Prince Ferdinand turned out all right somehow. Is genuinely sorrowful for what he did to Prospero and Miranda and returns the guy’s dukedom.

Con: Is completely self-involved, easily moved by passion, and can sometimes be a total jerk. Can be a horrible judge of character for his willingness to keep Antonio around (who tries to talk Sebastian into stabbing him in the back). Doesn’t really think too much of his actions until he’s called to account for them.

Fate: Is reunited with his son and returns to Naples.

 

130. Jack Cade

"Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar-school; and whereas, before, our forefathers had no other books but the score and the tally, thou hast caused printing to be used; and, contrary to the king, his crown, and dignity, thou hast built a paper-mill. It will be proved to thy face, that thou hast men about thee, that usually talk of a noun, and a verb; and such abominable words, as no Christian ear can endure to hear." - Act IV, Scene 7. Obviously, this guy has never heard of the concept public education. That would've been better to advocate.

“Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar-school; and whereas, before, our forefathers had no other books but the score and the tally, thou hast caused printing to be used; and, contrary to the king, his crown, and dignity, thou hast built a paper-mill. It will be proved to thy face, that thou hast men about thee, that usually talk of a noun, and a verb; and such abominable words, as no Christian ear can endure to hear.” – Act IV, Scene 7. Obviously, this guy has never heard of the concept public education. That would’ve been better to advocate.

From: Henry VI Part 2

Pro: Though he’s a commoner, it doesn’t stop him from trying to have a voice. Stages a rebellion against the monarchy in order to establish a commonwealth, or republic where everyone gets a say and some power. And since lower class people didn’t have a voice in the 15th century, he kind of has a point.

Con: Claims to be the dead John Mortimer and stages a rebellion in London which got Richard of York back from Ireland to take care of them and caused a lot of collateral damage. Is against education, literacy, and grammar that he sees as a way for the upper classes to gain power. Yet, the concept of public education doesn’t really occur to him. Has Lord Saye executed vigilante style. Has no idea that the commoners were easily swayed because he had the loudest voice. Is also one of York’s unwilling pawns.

Fate: Tries to flee but is killed by Iden.

 

131. Sir Andrew Aguecheek

"He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural." - Act II, Scene 3. Like what make a complete ass out of yourself? Because Sir Toby Belch is hosing you and you have no chance with Olivia.

“He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.” – Act II, Scene 3. Like what make a complete ass out of yourself? Because Sir Toby Belch is hosing you and you have no chance with Olivia.

From: Twelfth Night

Pro: Uh, he’s rich and generous with this money.

Con: For one, his name sound like a disease. Second, he’s a stereotypical upper class twit who’s too stupid and vain to realize how little everyone thinks of him which might be a blessing. Third, he’s slowly having his money pilfered by Sir Toby Belch. Third, has a terrible fashion sense. Fourth, he has no idea that Toby is lying that he has a chance with Olivia just to steal his money. And he won’t leave Olivia alone despite that she’s neither thinks highly of him nor has any interest in him whatsoever. Not to mention, he’s stupid enough to challenge “Cesario” to a duel.

Fate: Well, he doesn’t get Olivia but it’s not like he had a chance with her anyway. He’s also deep into debt thanks to Sir Toby.

 

132. Pisanio

" No, on my life./I'll give but notice you are dead and send him/Some bloody sign of it; for 'tis commanded /I should do so: you shall be miss'd at court,/And that will well confirm it." - Act III, Scene 4. Thank God that Pisanio was around. Otherwise, this play would've been a tragedy like Othello.

” No, on my life./I’ll give but notice you are dead and send him/Some bloody sign of it; for ’tis commanded /I should do so: you shall be miss’d at court,/And that will well confirm it.” – Act III, Scene 4. Thank God that Pisanio was around. Otherwise, this play would’ve been a tragedy like Othello.

From: Cymbeline

Pro: He’s a loyal servant to Imogen and Posthumus and legitimately cares about them. Refuses to carry on with Posthumus’s hit on his wife because he knows she’s innocent and that he’d been played. Recognizes Imogen as Fidele when her husband and father do not. Understands the difference between what he’s told to do and what he should do. Sees through everyone’s deception and sees people as they are.

Con: As good of a servant he is, he’s not suited for being in the employ of an evil queen who wants her stepdaughter dead. He’s lucky to be alive under her. Also, he shouldn’t have given Imogen a knock out drug. Then again, it was from the Queen that was designed to kill her but he didn’t know that.

Fate: Remains in service to Imogen and Posthumus.

 

133. Count Paris

"The obsequies that I for thee will keep/Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep." - Act V, Scene 3. Sounds like something straight from a Hallmark card. Sure Paris is a good guy, but he's very much in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“The obsequies that I for thee will keep/Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep.” – Act V, Scene 3. Sounds like something straight from a Hallmark card. Sure Paris is a good guy, but he’s very much in the wrong place at the wrong time.

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: To be fair, he’s a nice, decent guy who would’ve made a good husband for Juliet. And had Juliet ended up with him, it’s very likely she might’ve actually come to experience a fulfilling, lifelong relationship. Also handsome and rich. Not to mention, he’s a perfect gentleman.

Con: Unfortunately, while he may be the right guy, he just happens to be at the wrong place and at the wrong moment. Also, the fact Juliet’s parents try to force her to marry him makes her want him even less (especially since she’s married to Romeo and hopefully he doesn’t find that out). Not only that, he’s intent on marrying a 13 year old girl which works out like you’d expect. He should’ve either waited until she was older and more mature to make up her mind or just find a woman his own age (preferably someone whose family isn’t involved in a long standing feud). Can be somewhat self-absorbed and possessive of Juliet as well as stiff without much personality.

Fate: Killed by Paris outside the Capulet family tomb. Poor guy, but that’s tragedy, folks.

 

134. Prince Escalus

"Where be these enemies? Capulet! Montague!/See, what a scourge is laid upon your hate,/That heaven finds means to kill your joys with love!/And I, for winking at your discords too,/Have lost a brace of kinsmen. All are punish'd." - Act V, Scene 3. In other words, "If you guys hadn't been fighting amongst each other, these kids wouldn't have gotten killed."

“Where be these enemies? Capulet! Montague!/See, what a scourge is laid upon your hate,/That heaven finds means to kill your joys with love!/And I, for winking at your discords too,/Have lost a brace of kinsmen. All are punish’d.” – Act V, Scene 3. In other words, “If you guys hadn’t been fighting amongst each other, these kids wouldn’t have gotten killed.”

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: He’s the most reasonable guy in the play and is absolutely disgusted with the Montague-Capulet feud because it keeps him from doing his job. Knows the feud is totally useless and really feels sad about Romeo and Juliet’s deaths.

Con: Unfortunately, it has to take Romeo and Juliet’s deaths to happen before he could end the feud. Also, exiling Romeo was a very bad idea (despite Benvolio telling him that Tybalt starting the feud by killing Mercutio but he doesn’t give a shit. He wants Lord Montague feels when he loses a loved one).

Fate: Hopefully, he accepts that he, too, played a part in this tragedy.

 

135. King Duncan

" There's no art/To find the mind's construction in the face./He was a gentleman on whom I built/An absolute trust." Act I, Scene 4. Has it occurred to you that this guy is a horrible judge of character? Little does he know the next Thane of Cawdor isn't much better.

” There’s no art/To find the mind’s construction in the face./He was a gentleman on whom I built/An absolute trust.” Act I, Scene 4. Has it occurred to you that this guy is a horrible judge of character? Little does he know the next Thane of Cawdor isn’t much better.

From: Macbeth

Pro: Well, he seems like a wise and benevolent old king who has some relative esteem for Macbeth’s bravery and loyalty. Also said to be a decent dad. He’s such a great guy that killing him would be completely awful.

Con: Unfortunately, coming over to the Macbeths as a houseguest was a really bad idea. Also needs other men to fight his battles and isn’t a great judge of character on that account.

Fate: Killed by Macbeth in bed at his castle during the night.