Why You Shouldn’t Date a Superhero

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 6, 2013

Ah, superheroes, those crime-fighting vigilantes we all know and love who will always save the day using their powers, brains, or generous assets for the good of humanity. Sure these may be swell people who kids look up to and are loved by generations. And of course, they may seem to be the kind of people anyone would want to hook up with. Still, as I see it, I strongly think that superheroes should just stick with their own kind or super villains.= since it just makes things easier for them as well as with us. With mere mortals, it just gets too complicated. Though there have been few exceptions in relationships between superheroes and normal people, I wouldn’t take those kinds of chances. And here are many reasons why:

1. Expect your date to suddenly disappear during your time out with no explanation why. (Of course, your superhero date will be in secret identity mode during your date but still, he or she won’t tell you the truth because it would give his or her secret away.)

2. Dating a superhero will dramatically increase your chances of encountering life-threatening situations orchestrated by the super villain. (Sure you may be saved by your superhero in the end but there’s a good chance you may end up like Gwen Stacy. Still, if you’re kidnapped by a super villain and aren’t in any job relating to science, business, or government, you should know that you’re dating a superhero. I mean, if you weren’t, the super villain would obviously have no interest in you. Since many superheroes have played some role in a super villain origins so well, there’s a chance they may know your superhero’s secret identity and personal life. And if he’s Peter Parker, almost every one of his major adversaries will know him personally. Not to mention, your chances of being in danger don’t decrease after breaking up with that superhero as in Rachel Dawes’ case. Nevertheless, no one wants to worry about being in life-threatening situations all the time.)

3. There’s a good chance you might be exposed to some radiation upon contact. (Many superheroes in the Marvel Universe got their powers this way like The Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Daredevil, The Incredible Hulk, some of the X-Men {well, before birth or conception}, and others. Of course, they were created during the Atomic Age when nuclear power was glorified and feared. Still, you should know what pro-longed exposure to radiation could give you, like cancer.)

4. There’s a good chance you may have kids with super powers if you and your superhero significant other have any sex. (Of course, there are some superheroes who don’t have superpowers but most of them do for some reason. Yet, for those who have them due to either radiation or genetics, they will very likely pass them to their kids. As difficult as raising kids are, you will have a much easier time raising a kid with special needs than a child with any kind of superpowers. At least raising a special needs kid will not result in your house being destroyed. Seriously, you don’t want kids with superpowers. Non-powered children between superheroes and a normal person are usually more the exception than the rule.)

5. If male, expect your superhero significant other to hold off popping the question or not even propose in the first place. If female, expect your superhero significant other to say no if you ever try to ask her to marry you. (Most superheroes may have committed long term relationships with their significant other, but most of them won’t end with marriage since this step usually involves having the normal person exposed to more danger as well as having to divulge his or her secret identity.)

6. A superhero significant other will not tell you why he or she may randomly cancel and break dates, that you’ll have a great chance of being kidnapped by a super villain or possibly killed, and why does the superhero featured in the papers looks suspiciously like him or her. (For Lois Lane, it should be obvious that Clark Kent is Superman. I mean glasses isn’t much of a disguise and Superman never wears a mask. Also, anyone who’s been in a heated argument with Bruce Banner should know he’s The Incredible Hulk.)

7. You could have the potential to unleash your superhero significant other’s powers if you aren’t too careful. And there may be consequences you wouldn’t expect or perhaps pay for. (Note to anyone in a relationship with The Incredible Hulk. One blow up from him could mean the end of your house as you know it.)

8. Popular Superhero Day Jobs: reporter, student, socialite, police/rescue worker, private eye, attorney, scientist, career superhero (if not using a secret identity), or just a freelance bum. (Not really jobs with people having good relationships are they? Also, if he or she’s rich, then he or she may be screwing around.)

9. There’s a high chance he or she may have had something terrible happen to him or her during his or her childhood. (I mean things like seeing parents getting killed, seeing uncle getting killed, losing parents as a child, losing parents as an infant and getting transplanted to a different planet, oh, well, you know stuff that can put one through years of therapy. I wonder what Batman’s therapist has to deal with if the Dark Knight even has one. His therapist might end up having depression after dealing with him. Of course, Batman’s issues go beyond childhood.)

10. Your superhero significant other may have many unresolved issues as an adults. (And I mean like failed relationships, boyfriends/girlfriends dying on them, getting dumped by a childhood sweetheart for a future super villain and later getting blown up, dating adversaries, having a secret identity, losing a child, having a tendency to take in teenagers as wards and assistants, destructive anger issues, split personality disorder, and the list goes on.)

11. If female, may have a tendency to be mistaken for a stripper when in their superhero mode. (Many super heroines tend to have very skimpy outfits that look like something a stripper might wear.)

12. If your marry your superhero significant other and if he or she is a career superhero, you might want to get a pre-nup since there’s a chance he or she may be sued for inflicting collateral damage. (And superheroes are very guilty of this so maybe having a secret identity is understandable for some of them. Of course, Batman and Iron Man don’t need to worry about lawsuits since they’re both extravagantly rich. Spiderman and Superman on the other hand…)

13. Your superhero significant other may have a tendency to show up all beat up with no explanation after mysteriously disappearing. (I wonder how many times this has happened to Batman on a date. Yet, some of them don’t really show scars like Wolverine.)

14. Your superhero significant other will be no help around the house or be a good parent to any kids you may have. (This may be due to secret identity, strength and function of powers, tendency to spend loads of time in the basement, getting into fights, or fighting evil. Of course, with the Incredible Hulk, you might find yourselves constantly moving to a new place almost after every argument. Still, at least Batman has Alfred and has teenage wards who assist him like Robin but he will never let you in his Bat Cave. Also, superhero kids don’t have very nice lives.)

15. You may not get to have sex due to your superhero’s significant other’s superpowers. (If you touch Rogue, you’d be dead. I mean she can never ever have sex with anyone who isn’t immortal and indestructible.)

16. If he or she doesn’t have a secret identity, you will have to deal with his or her celebrity status including fans, groupies, tabloids, and comic conventions. (Granted most of them come from comic books. Then you might have to deal with the same flack with dating Batman since Bruce Wayne is also quite famous. Also, do you want to be known for dating a superhero?)

17. You may have the tendency to be in a two-person love triangle. (Meaning you may like the superhero but not like the person behind the mask and vice versa.Of course, this could be a problem as we know with Superman’s relationship issues.)

The Cinematic Guide to Archaeology

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 3, 2013

Throughout movie history, archaeologists seem to have a lot of interesting adventures such as discovering lost treasure, unleashing ancient curses, defeating the bad guys, solving hidden puzzles, smashing less valuable artifacts, and wait a minute, this doesn’t seem right. Of course, like many professions, archaeologists in the movies seem to have more fun and interesting lives than their real life counterparts (well, depending on anyone’s definition of “fun”). And if you’d stack someone like Indiana Jones by what most people would expect a real archaeologist would actually do, well, let’s just say he wouldn’t even make tenure even according to 1930s standards. Sure he may make archaeology look cool and has inspired many young fans to go into his field, but he sucks at his job. Still, he’s not the only one who doesn’t stack up with what anyone would expect a from a real archaeologist or even the worst offender. And when you think about it, even the subject of archaeology itself doesn’t really measure up to the real thing. So here is a list of what movie archaeology deviates from the real thing in many ways.

1. Most of archaeology focuses on discovering lost cities and civilizations, kings’ tombs, legendary artifacts, lost technologies, imprisoned evils, and long lost secrets. (Actually archaeology is about discovering knowledge about the past civilizations through the study and analysis of artifacts and what information it gives them about the past. Also, plenty of archaeologists have made careers by meticulous analysis of contents of the garbage dumps of old.)

2. The goal of an archaeologist is to find and obtain a legendary MacGuffin, which everyone else is after for themselves. (Most archaeologists would be perfectly fine with discovering worthless pottery fragments.)

3. Most archaeologists study ancient civilizations in exotic locations. (There are plenty of archaeologists who study artifacts relating to more recent history and have excavations that aren’t so far from where they live. And I’m not just talking about those who live in the Middle East and South America either or even in Asia as a matter of fact. Also, Aztec and Inca civilizations were around during the medieval period so they’re not really ancient.)

4. If an archaeologist stumbles on a tomb of an ancient king, it will be cursed and the curse will come true as well as unleash supernatural forces. (This never happens. Sorry Mummy franchise.)

5. It’s perfectly reasonable for an archaeologist to acquire the MacGuffin through any means, no matter how destructive, even if you have to destroy ancient machinery that still works after thousands of years just to obtain a gold monkey. (Most archaeologists would try to be careful with any kind of remnant of any past civilization encountered. They great pains in attempting to excavate with as little disruption as possible and carefully preserve whatever is found. Smashing your way into any and all historical monuments for a shiny trinket is just plain unacceptable in the archaeological community.)

6. Most ancient ruins are filled with booby traps set up as protection against raiders or modern archaeologists. (Most archaeologists manage to excavate ancient ruins without having to stumble in one of these. Also, plenty of Egyptian Pharaoh tombs had already been robbed a few thousand years before any modern archaeologist ever got to them. Of course, there are some ruins that do have them. Not to mention, ruins are rarely “abandoned” anyway.)

7. It’s perfectly acceptable for an archaeologist to neglect his or her students while hunting for artifacts. (Though archaeologists do go on excavations, neglecting academic responsibilities is not okay. And academic responsibilities for a professor don’t just include teaching either. In case you want to see why Indiana Jones would be denied tenure: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/back-from-yet-another-globetrotting-adventure-indiana-jones-checks-his-mail-and-discovers-that-his-bid-for-tenure-has-been-denied.)

8. A Pharaoh’s tomb will be intact and have unimaginable treasure inside it. (The significance of the discovery of King Tut’s tomb in the 1920’s is that it’s one of the few Pharaoh tombs found mostly intact. Most Pharaoh tombs were robbed not long after the funeral.)

9. As long as you plan to have the priceless artifact put in a museum, there’s nothing wrong with taking it without the natives’ consent. (Understand that the people behind these ancient artifacts and heirlooms have nearby descendants who are very much alive and wouldn’t be happy if an archaeologist takes something of great cultural value to them. Best keep the artifacts as close to the place you found them or at least within the country of origin. If you want the artifact in a museum, make sure it’s in a museum in the country you found it in. Also, nothing angers Egyptians more than taking a royal mummy out of the country without their consent. You don’t want a whole country to get angry with you. And if you want to take something back for further analysis, ask first.)

10. It’s perfectly fine to excavate a site without permission from the locals or taking cultural sensitivities into account. (Then why is it illegal for archaeologists to excavate a Native American graveyard in the United States? Because the Indians would get royally pissed off if you ever dare disturb their ancestors. Also, you don’t want an archaeologist to dig up your dead grandmother, do you? I mean there’s a reason why archaeologists don’t conduct excavations in cemeteries.)

11. Archaeologists don’t need to take local and cultural sensitivities into consideration. (Okay, I know many movies pertaining to archaeology take place at a time when most archaeologists didn’t really take native sensitivities into account. Nowadays this isn’t the case since pissing the natives can result in things that a mummy curse will be the least of your troubles.)

12. Archaeologists don’t need to do any documentation once you find a priceless artifact MacGuffin. (Archaeologists need to catalog every find and document exactly where they found this in order to establish provenance. Also, they need to record information and location of every artifact and its relation to other artifacts and features at the site. It’s a meticulous, systematic, and time consuming process. They need to map the entire site, make sketches, take photographs, sift dirt through screens to make sure nothing is lost, and put all artifacts in carefully labeled bags. Neglecting to do this could lead to suspicions of theft or forgery and, yes, this has happened.)

13. In archaeology, shiny museum trinkets are all that matters. (Pottery fragments may bring glory but can yield their own share of valuable information about a past civilization.)

14. A bad archaeologist goes after a priceless trinket to hoard for a private collection, give to the bad guys or sell to the highest bidder, or use it for his or her quest for world domination. (There’s more than that to describes a bad archaeologist. Indiana Jones could be described as one for example.)

15. Long dead civilizations possessed powers we no longer understand. (Really? You got to be kidding me.)

16. Archaeologists need to be armed and badass since they constantly have to deal with bad guys. (Well, they’ll have to deal with bad guys if working in areas like the Middle East or Latin America where there are plenty of things that can kill you, especially in this day in age. Yet, never to the same degree as Indy. Also, many of them didn’t take boxing lessons or even carry guns.)

17. If an archaeologist finds something he or she can carry, he or she can just take it. (Most archaeologists usually try to do more research into the artifact before they could even touch it.)

18. Most of archaeology consists of field work and adventure. (Actually most archaeologists spend 70% of their time in some sort of academic setting doing research, like libraries, museum, laboratories, and universities.)

19. Archaeologists get rich by selling lost treasures in museums. (Most archaeologists don’t sell their artifacts because they see them as clues providing information to the lives of people in the past. In archaeology, it’s not just the shiny stuff that matters here.)

20. Desecrating a grave is perfectly all right as long as you’re using a human leg bone as a torch to explore a crypt. (Doing this will land you in an international prison.)

How Medicine Works (According to the Movies)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 1, 2013

Okay, say what you want, but at least he’s a real doctor and in the movies.

As someone with family members in the medical field and as well being related to sports enthusiasts, I tend to know a little bit about medical workings more than I care to know. Not to mention, I know many people who use their health as a conversation piece which is seen as a safe but boring topic. For instance, if I want to know whether someone has health problems, I just want the person to cut to the chase and tell me in the simplest way possible. I don’t want jargon, full details, or anything disgusting or gross. However, as with the concept of guns, Hollywood’s take on medicine and health also doesn’t nearly stack up with reality and here I’ll compile a list why that is. Of course, I won’t list examples from fantasy and science fiction since most of their medicine either comes from the future or comprises of magic. And I won’t list details from horror movies either since there are no such thing as demon possession or vampirism.

1. You could survive tar and feathering without any permanent scars from the incident. (This is probably the most unrealistic thing in Little Big Man in which the townspeople tar and feather Dustin Hoffman. Still, his character survives the incident for 100 years, isn’t seen seeking any medical care, nor does he even have any scarring from the whole thing. In real life, Hoffman’s character wouldn’t have been so lucky. Being tarred and feathered was never a good or easy-to-overcome thing. Physical damage inflicted from the tar varied wildly depending on temperature. If relatively cool, the tar would cause mild irritations to the skin and the worst you could hope for was spending hours of scrubbing to clean off the skin {and remember this would mean on your entire body since you’d be forcibly stripped naked before they put the tar on you}. Sometimes removal would mean agitating the burns and ripping out hair {making a body wax seem like a picnic}. Near boiling {which would be more likely}, the tar could cause life-threatening burns {and will surely leave permanent scars}. And if the tar wasn’t the worst of it, you can suffer fairly serious injuries from being forced to straddle the rail coming from a splintery wooden fence. Still, though tarring and feathering is usually played comically in westerns, what it did to those subject to this treatment is nothing to be laughed at. I mean, everyone would remember what was done to you.)

2. No matter how badly an action hero is injured, he will never end up with permanent and visible scars. (Whereas a real life football player with milder injuries could possibly be out for the rest of the season.)

3. A young woman with terminal illness will grow more beautiful as death approaches. (I’m sorry but dying from a terminal illness doesn’t work that way. I mean just surviving from a near-fatal illness doesn’t really do much for you in the looks department. At best, you’ll probably look like a survivor from a Nazi concentration camp, may need to rely on pain killers, and will soon lose your ability to perform the most basic functions like swallowing. You may even be in a coma on life support surrounded by family members wanting to pull the plug. And if you’re suffering from a fatal illness before the 20th century, well, let’s not go there.)

4. Unprotected sex is perfectly safe and won’t lead to pregnancy as long as the encounter has little to do with the plot. (Seriously, with the kind of sexual lifestyle James Bond has, he’s got to have at least a paternity suit or an STD by now. Of course, he may be using protection off-screen or has had a vasectomy but there’s no way of knowing. Even so, contraceptives aren’t 100% effective. Still, Kirk and Indy each have at least one known child, but seem STD clean otherwise. Then again, Kirk is from the future so this doesn’t apply to him.)

5. Albinos have red eyes and are perfectly capable to shoot at a far distance and drive at night. (Sorry, Dan Brown, but most albinos have blue or slate gray eyes which may appear red tinged. Not to mention, most albinos have very poor vision and are often legally blind. In fact, vision impairment is the main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism. So there’s probably no such thing as an albino assassin.)

6. People who suffer from a constant cough will soon die from the disease that causes it with a short period of time. (Kind of depends on the disease and the time period. Constant coughing isn’t really a big medical issue unless if leads to spitting out blood most of the time. Other than that the most serious diseases I can think of involving this symptom would be TB, whooping cough, or pneumonia. Still, if you have a coughing fit and seem perfectly healthy, you probably have the common cold, the flu, or bronchitis. As with TB sufferers in the 19th century, it may kill you but you’ll survive for a number of years, if it does. If it kills you much quicker, you probably had either pneumonia or lung cancer {and for much of the 19th century, all serious lung diseases were diagnosed as tuberculosis so as how many people actually died from TB is anyone’s guess though it was incurable and contagious}.)

7. An antidote or vaccine will instantly cure a disease with no ill effects. (Actually a vaccine isn’t going to help you fight an illness if you already have it most of the time. A vaccine is a preventive measure used to train your immune system to fight a certain pathogen so if the real thing comes along, they’ll be able squelch it before it gets the chance to infect. Of course, the rabies vaccine may be an exception. As with antidotes, though they may reverse some effects of a poison but not all. And they may not save your life. Nevertheless, they need to be taken as early as possible or before the body sustains so much damage that death is inevitable. Also, tends to be rather expensive. Sometimes there may not even be an antidote if you have a certain kind of poison in your system.)

8. Radiation exposure can give you superpowers. (What it actually gives you are radiation sickness, radiation poisoning, possible congenital mutations to pass to your kids {that may lead to birth defects}, and/or cancer. Many people who worked at nuclear facilities have serious health issues and don’t live too long. Of course, super powerology isn’t based on actual science but you get the idea radiation exposure is no fun at all.)

9. Alternative medicine and herbal remedies can help you just as much as traditional medicine could. (Well, not exactly. Of course, there are some medicinal herbs but they don’t always work 100% of the time. Also, they can carry their share of side-effects just like any other drugs sometimes serious or fatal. Still, you might want to consult your doctor on this one. And if you have no idea of what herb it is or what it does to you, don’t consume it.)

10. Being attacked in the nuts or castration can result in a dramatic voice change from tenor to soprano in males. (Actually while a groin injury can be very painful in men and boys, it will not result in a dramatic voice change, though it might impair reproductive capabilities. As with castration, it depends on the age of the man but it doesn’t change a guy’s voice. Talk to any war veteran who’s had his junk shot off in battle. Chances are they sound as much the same as before. Besides, most of your castrati opera singers during the 17th-18th centuries were castrated before puberty in order to retain their voices. Vocal chords just don’t shrink, boys, so you don’t have to worry about that.)

11. Potassium cyanide kills in seconds. (It takes effect after a few minutes and can be a messy affair involving strong seizures before it kills you through massive apnea and cardiac failure.)

12. Good drugs have no side-effects. (All medicines do, some worse than others. For God’s sake, have you’ve ever seen any pharmaceutical ads? Some of those side-effects just make me not want to take the drug.)

13. All drugs and poisons take effect upon consumption. (It usually takes time for the effect to be felt due to having to travel through the body. Also, matter of of how the drug is taken is a factor. Still, if you take something which doesn’t take effect right away, don’t take another dose whatsoever.)

14. Smoking marijuana can cause you to go into a blind killer rage. (Obviously, even Hollywood doesn’t believe this Reefer Madness nonsense but it probably won’t turn you into a peace loving hippie either. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

15. It’s easy to retain good physical shape regardless of diet and exercise. (Sure they may be in great physical shape but they’re actors with nutritionists and personal trainers. Thus, diet and exercise are very much a factor.)

16. Truth serum can make someone incapable of lying and will always give you complete and accurate information. (Sure it may cause hallucinations, never to shut up, or reduced inhibitions but it won’t make anyone less capable of lying. Using truth serum is a human and civil rights issue and any statements obtained in this manner are inadmissible in court. Thus, they’re more useless than lie detectors.)

17. A person can be revived after a few minutes of CPR and will later have a full recovery. (CPR rarely results in a full recovery since it’s performed when a person has less than a 10% chance of recovery at all. Also, it doesn’t take a few minutes and you shouldn’t give up until either the person starts breathing on their own or when the EMTs arrive. Not to mention, it’s expected for the ribs to break during CPR, which is never seen in film. The victim can also throw up and mouth-to-mouth isn’t even recommended.Still, you might want to call 911 first since CPR has a 2% survival rate on its own.)

18. If CPR fails, then it’s perfectly fine to start striking a patient in the chest in order to restart his or her heart. (It’s called a precordial thump and should be delivered by an expert in a life-threatening rhythm and only attempted once. Also, it should precede CPR and only works for a very short time period {but not in every attempt}.)

19. A proficient swimmer can save a person from drowning by jumping into the water or throwing the victim a buoy. (Only try to save a person from drowning if and only if there are no professional lifeguards around. Not to mention, lifeguards are instructed never to jump into the water or throw the buoy to the victim {but past them}, especially if that person has a possible spinal injury.)

20. When someone has a nosebleed, always put their head back. (You actually risk making them choke or puke from swallowing their own blood. Better to make them lie down if possible {well, it works form me whenever I had nosebleeds as a kid}.)

21. The first thing to do when someone has a foreign object in their bodies is try to remove it as soon as possible. (The object is serving as a plug on the wound and pulling it could kills someone in minutes. Best it should be removed by professionals where infections can be fought off by antibiotics. Also, some people live with bullets for years without any problems like Andrew Jackson.)

22. When someone has hypothermia, it’s best to throw them in hot water. (This would cause a person’s core temperature to shoot up, inviting the colder fluid and extremities in making the person even colder or worse, mess up their heart. Still, a person suffering hypothermia should get warmed up through a warm bath and only if they can get in unassisted. A person suffering from more severe hypothermia should be rushed to the hospital.)

23. Using a an article of clothing as a makeshift tourniquet for a gunshot wound can help stop the bleeding. (This is a very bad idea since the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood and cause other problems when real help arrives. If left on a limb too long can result in it becoming necrotic and falling off. Only should be done if pressure around the wound isn’t working.)

24. Giving birth only takes a few minutes with the baby looking dry and clean as well as little to no mess. Not to mention, the mother is perfectly fine. (Pregnant women can be in labor for hours as well as so exhausting that the mother is either drenched in sweat and red in the face due to exertion as well as passed out due to the pain or pain medicine. Also, it’s a very messy affair complete with amniotic fluids, blood, fecal matter, tearing the placenta, and other bits and fluids. Not to mention, the babies come out covered in bodily fluids and have noticeably deformed heads. Of course, since I have a lot younger cousins, I can say that a cleaned up two day old baby looks much cuter than many other newborn animals. Most of the “newborns” you see on film are usually about 3 months old mostly due to younger babies being more susceptible infections.)

25. You should always try to remove the bullet when someone is shot as well as requires simple tools and little expertise. (Pulling a bullet out is the last thing you want to do for a shooting victim. Even surgeons frequently leave them in while repairing the damage. Still, bullets are mostly harmless when they stop moving and it’s best to remove them after the immediate trauma has already healed. Of course, there are exceptions in which a bullet has a chance to explode or has a part of clothing in the wound which could cause infection.)

26. Anyone can perform a tracheotomy. (No one without an MD should ever attempt this.)

27. Antibiotics can instantly cure any kind of illness. (They are only effective against those caused by bacteria and only if that particular strain is sensitive to that prescribed antibiotic. Still, there are drugs that fight viruses, parasites, and fungus.)

28. A defibrillator will restart a patient’s heart from cardiac arrest, usually when you try the second time. (While it will help improve survival ratios for cardiac arrests, there’s a specific time window in which shock must be applied. If not applied within 4 minutes of onset, odds of successful conversion drop drastically. Also, odds of successful conversion go down the more shock a patient requires. Not to mention, a defibrillator doesn’t restart the heart but stops a dysfunctional heart rhythm in hope that heart’s mechanisms can restore an effective rhythm. A first responder will do this alongside CPR. Modern defibrillators are rubbed together to spread a conductive gel on them, not building up a charge. They also have one-use adhesive pads and don’t make that KACUNK! noise like older models did. And they don’t make the patient jump several inches off the floor.)

29. In case a defibrillator is absent, hooking up a person to a main power source will give the same results. (No it won’t! This is a horrible idea! Doing this is a good way to induce the conditions that need defibrillation so don’t try this. However, if you wish the afflicted person dead anyway, then I’m sure this technique will give them a great sendoff to the choir invisible.)

30. Everyone knows their blood type. (Only those who give blood do and it’s not a big population. Heck, I don’t even know my own blood type.)

31. Anyone experiencing a fatal illness will exhibit mild symptoms at first only to have the disease get progressively worse after the diagnosis. (Usually by the time one is diagnosed with a fatal disease, the symptoms have progressed enough to be serious. Most people usually try to wait out mild and nondescript symptoms.)

32. Nothing wrong can come from yanking the I.V. once you wake up from a coma. (Yanking the I.V. will put the wound at risk for infection.)

33. If your friend is poisoned by a snake bite, you should always suck out the venom from the puncture wounds. (Don’t ever do this! For one, sucking could cause further infection on the wound, transfer the risk of poison from the victim to yourself, and will only make the wound swell which require another incision increasing bleeding (raising everyone’s risk of infection), an may result in the poison entering the bloodstream faster. Also, people survive the vast majority of venomous snake bites even without treatment. Still, if someone is bitten by a venomous snake bite just try to keep the person calm and prevent them from moving and arrange for them to be transported to a hospital. Sucking the poison can get you both killed on this one.)

34. Sedation only takes a few seconds to knock you out. (It depends on the type of sedation drug which can usually take from a few seconds to a few minutes or even several hours. Dosage is also a factor.)

35. You can knock out a person with a simple blow to a head. (It’s the least reliable way to make someone unconscious. Yet, if you successfully do knock someone out with a blow to the head, you might be in trouble. A blow to the head that causes unconsciousness is also severe enough to cause a skull fracture, concussion, intracranial bleeding, permanent cognitive impairment, amnesia, blindness, personality, change, and even death. Usually lasts for a few seconds but unconsciousness lasting for than a minute usually indicates brain damage which will take months and not years to recover and the injured person will likely have permanent impairment. And if a blow to the head doesn’t make the person unconscious, it will certainly make them very, very angry. Don’t do this! Please remember this is why professional sports has a major issue with head injuries and why people should wear helmets.)

36. You can travel an exotic location, eat the food, drink the water, and not have to spend a long time in the bathroom. (Depends on where you travel. This might apply to Europe and other developed nations, but if you’re in Latin America, Africa, the Middle East, or some other Second or Third World dump, chances are that trying the local cuisine and drinking from the local water supply might result in spending countless hours of your trip on the toilet.)

37. Spending considerable time near the equator or other exotic locations won’t result in you spending some time in bed with a tropical disease. (Seriously, I have no idea why Indiana Jones doesn’t come down with anything. I mean he’s an archaeologist living in the 1930s so it’s not like he’s went through inoculations prior to every trip. For God’s sake, he has to have least gotten a case of malaria from a mosquito bite.)

38. All epileptics suffer from violent convulsions when having a seizure. (There are many different types of seizures that have symptoms ranging from losing consciousness and staring into space for a few seconds, losing control of a limb while maintaining consciousness, to full-blow writhing at the ground, and everything in between.)

39. Seizures are set off by flashing images. (Actually this is called photosensitive epilepsy which consist of 10% of all epileptic cases).

40. All heart attacks start with a shooting, radiating pain later resulting the person to stagger in pain while clutching his chest with face turning bright red before dropping like a stone to the floor unconscious and probably dead. (Heart attacks vary in nature which can range from this to ones you don’t realize you’ve had until an ECG years later discovers the damage left behind. Symptoms can range from fainting, puking, and collapse while a massive heart attack can make the sufferer think he’s about to have a bout with diarrhea, one reason why so many die on the toilet.)

How Guns Work (According to the Movies)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 30, 2013

I am no fan of guns. I don’t feel safe with them unless they’re on display in a museum nor would I wish to be either in front or behind one. Not to mention, I think they’re dangerous since they’re designed to kill. Besides, I’ve never owned one in my life nor do I intend to in the near future. Of course, in fictional outlets like movies and TV shows, guns are everywhere and are seen as awesome weaponry used to defeat bad guys. After all, violence is usually the answer in Hollywood in these kinds of situations. However, guns don’t work in the same fashion in Hollywood as they do in real life. Here I compile a list of how guns work in movies and TV shows you know and love as well as an explanation why some of these concepts wouldn’t work in real life. Still, I’m going to exempt science fiction or fantasy since they don’t go by the same rules in real life anyway unless otherwise noted.

1. A muzzle-loaded black powder blunderbuss can fire three consecutive shots in under a second, without reloading. (Believe it not, this happens during the “Gaston” number in Beauty and the Beast where Gaston fires three shots in the barrels at the tavern. Perhaps no one shoots like Gaston but while firing three consecutive shots in under a second without reloading may be realistically possible for many of today’s firearms like an AK-47, such feat would certainly not be with a muzzle-loaded black powder blunderbuss. I mean even the fastest shooters (such as soldiers) could only get three shots off in a minute during Gaston’s day. For one, muzzle-loaded weapons can’t fire consecutive shots, which is why one Revolutionary War officer told his troops, “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.” Second, loading these weapons was a multiple step process such as pouring the powder, dropping the ammo (sometimes ripping the cartridge), securing the contents far back in with a rod, letting the wick in the flint, and lighting the flint before pulling the trigger. And to be a Minuteman in the Revolutionary War, you had to do all but the last in under a minute. Of course, the loading process explains why our Founding Fathers saw no need to mention gun control in the Second Amendment since it was only since the mid 19th century where guns fired multiple rounds.)

2. Almost every firearm in existence has an unlimited ammo only as long as ammunition count doesn’t have anything to do with the drama. (When it comes to ammunition counts, it depends on the weapon. Revolvers and long arms usually hold up to 5-8 rounds. Semiautomatic handguns have magazines that usually hold 10-15 rounds. Detachable magazines for semi-automatic or automatic rifles usually contain 20 to 30 rounds. The classic Thompson submachine guns holds a magazine of 100 rounds but has been retired due to other issues.)

3. Silencers make firing a gun completely silent. (They’re more or less “suppressors” than silencers since they don’t make guns completely silent but and usually only as quiet as “hearing safe.” It’s like more like putting your phone on vibrate.)

4. Homemade silencers are just as effective as real ones. (They are not. On the other hand, real silencers are highly regulated and illegal in several US states, so what does that tell you?)

5. Being in a heavy firing zone won’t bring any kind of damage to your hearing. (If you ever seen a gun range, everyone is wearing hearing protection for a reason. A gunshot is the loudest normal sound a human being is likely to hear. I mean firing one gun can damage your hearing significantly, let alone hundreds. Not to mention, many shooting enthusiast suffer from some degree of sound-induced hearing loss due to their hobby. You can also experience tinnitus as well as feel pain from such a sound. Some high powered guns can still hurt one’s hearing far away even with a silencer. Still, many Hollywood movies today are involve heavy gunfire as well as countless explosions while many of the characters don’t really seem to have any issues with their hearing and yet none of them are wearing any kind of protection. Out of all the movies I’ve seen relating to heavy fire, only Adrien Brody’s character in The Pianist experiences any kind of hearing loss from gunfire {which was temporary and due to a close range explosion that nearly killed him}. Sherlock Holmes may count as well, but only when he’s very close to the gun. Then again, gunshots in movies aren’t very loud to begin with mostly due to movie sound systems not being typically designed to output noises above the human pain threshold.)

6. You can fire a gun and hear tiny noises or whispers at the same time. (No you can’t unless you are at some great distance away. In fact, in a heavy firing zone, you may not be able to hear yourself shout, let alone anything else.)

7. All gunshots go “boom.” (Only shotguns go “boom.” Smaller guns usually sound like a firecracker. Other guns have distinctive sounds as well.)

8. Guns make a clicking noises whenever they’ve run out of ammunition. (Only pistols and some semi or automatics do.)

9. Being hit with a gunshot won’t cause bleeding. (Oh, yes it would, even when shot in the head when it’s certainly not pretty at all. Those shot in pre-1960s movies don’t bleed much because of the Hays Code but many do.)

10. There were no guns in the Middle Ages. (Gunpowder was introduced to Europe after the Crusades while guns were practically invented during the 1300s. The first recorded use of shooter lit wicks that ignited gunpowder loaded in a gun barrel in 1364. It was called the matchlock arquebus.Thus, guns and knights have existed side by side for over 300 years. Still, they weren’t very reliable, were very expensive, and had a limited production.)

11. The recoil will either send the shooter flying or have no effect at all. (Usually the recoil will result in no more than a bruised shoulder or a sprained wrist at least with most weapons. There may be physics involved in this so it’s complicated.)

12. Being shot can cause you to fly across the room. (Please, bullets may be powerful enough to kill you but to fling you across the room, you got to be kidding. When shot, people usually drop. Explosions may do the trick, on the other hand.)

13. One bullet can bring instant death. (The question of whether you’ll die from getting shot depends on where the bullet is or whether the surgeon can get to it, how much time passes between the shooting incident and the arrival of medical assistance, and the quality of the medical treatment. The advancement of technology and medicine at the time is also a factor.)

14. Lethality of bullets is usually dependent on the character’s importance to the plot. A redshirt or mook with no lines will be dead in one shot while it will take flood of bullets to kill the main villain or hero. (Actually bullet lethality doesn’t work that way in which a myriad of factors can play out.)

15. If you’re shot in the leg or right shoulder, you might be in pain but you can otherwise engage in the fighting since they’re pretty safe spots. (It is impossible to shoot someone and know they will survive the wound. When most people shoot, they shoot to kill, not wound or disarm. Still, if you were hit in outside shoulder, the thighs, or ass, there are good chances you’ll survive and make a full recovery. Also, older softer bullets did much more damage.)

16. Armed henchmen can’t hit anything. (Though Imperial storm troopers may not shoot straight, they are sure to hit something or someone.)

17. Jammed guns are useless guns. (A gun jam is only a glitch that can be corrected within a second or two, though I guess some jams are harder to correct than others.)

18. A dropped gun will always discharge. (Most guns are made not to do this and a dropped gun discharge usually presents grounds for a recall. However, such recalls are voluntary in the US.)

19. Some bullets work like guided missiles. (Most of them don’t and will hit the first thing that comes in their path. However, given weapons technology advancement, this may be subject to change.)

20. Anyone with a gun can remain calm under threat of being shot or under fire. (Just because you have a gun in your hand, doesn’t mean you’ll be able to fire without hesitation. That is, unless you’re someone who’s trained to act this way in such situations.)

21. Good marksmanship is easy to master even in a life-or-death situation. (It is not, especially in a life-or-death situation where high-adrenaline makes accuracy go to pot. Though soldiers are trained to get a decent accuracy rate, but in a war zone, most magazines will empty at a 10% accuracy rate. Most soldiers in battle just fire their guns in order that it will hit somebody who’s not on their side. For instance, the average WWII soldier had to fire about 200 rounds for every hit scored on an enemy. And these guys had pretty reliable guns. Also, conditions on the battlefield was another factor. Not to mention, friendly fire has always been common in war zones.)

22. Anyone can easily recover from a gunshot wound if the plot demands it. (Gunshots will send you on a one way ticket to the emergency room and may take weeks or months to recover from depending on the medical treatment. Some people don’t recover at all.)

23. Pointing a gun at someone and placing your finger on the trigger with no intent to shoot is always a good idea as long as you’re careful and know what you’re doing. (Even those who know what they’re doing will always try to avoid this at all times. Besides, when cops do this, it’s usually in a life or death situation in which they will shoot if need be. Still, most of the time, this will set yourself for an accident waiting to happen. Still, you see cops in TV and movies do this all the time even when it’s not in a life or death situation. Yet, very few end up having an accident with their firearms. Remember, guns aren’t toys.)

24. Having a gun will help you defend yourself in a mass shooting spree. (You’re better off not armed and hiding under a table. Also, those armed will probably be among the first of those shot in a shooting spree.)

25. It’s possible to fire a good shot through the scope of a sniper rifle where the bullet will end up in the sniper’s eye. (It’s unlikely this will happen and will more or less exit through the side at an angle.)

26. Any gun can destroy a lock in one or two steps as well as does a neat and tidy job of it. (It actually takes a high powered gun to do this at close range but shooting a lock off will result in dangerous shrapnel flying everywhere. Only soldiers and SWAT teams ever do this since this task involves a shotgun, Kevlar body armor, specialized ammunition, and full face protection. Seriously, don’t try this at home, this will put you in the hospital.)

27. Shoving a pistol down your pants is a harmless idea. (Just ask Plaxico Burress who accidentally shot himself in the thigh in a night club this way.)

28. Blanks aren’t dangerous under any circumstances. (Well, not as dangerous as some forms of ammunition but can inflict its share of damage when fired carelessly. Just watch the scene in In Bruges when Colin Farrell shoots a guy in the eye with one. Thus, this isn’t 100% accurate.)

29. Bullets ricochet with sparks. (They never spark, ever. Still, it’s said that paint balls filled with fireworks would.)

30. It’s easy to shoot accurately with a handgun. (It’s actually incredibly difficult and takes a lot of training to master.)

31. Firing while jumping is always a good idea and looks awesome. (Firing while jumping reduces accuracy, is a serious waste of energy, and can cause injury to your shoulder upon landing. May look impressive, but please don’t try it at home.)

32. To be shot in the ass is highly embarrassing. (Sure but in a war zone, to be shot in the ass, is actually quite lucky since it’s referred to as “the million dollar wound.” Out of all the places on the body, the butt has the greatest chance of not being life-threatening and causing any permanent damage when treated properly. Also, for someone in the war zone, it’s serious enough to get a medical discharge and shipped home.)

33. Gun duels usually involve both participants who stand back to back, walk ten paces, and turn around to shoot at one another. (Actually almost never used in real duels while distances were usually agreed upon by the participants. You could also fire to miss before drawing blood but you can accidentally shoot a second or bystander. However, I bet there was plenty of cheating taking place in duels. Still, it’s a pretty stupid idea, though congressmen were doing this to each other in early America.)

34. Squeezing the trigger can turn anyone into an instant marksman. (Marksmanship can take years of training and practice.)

35. You can always hear the bullet before it hits you. (You can hear the gun but you don’t really hear the bullet hitting you. You know that you’re hit when you see a bloody gash at the site.)

Political Dealbreakers Ever Voter Should Follow

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 25, 2013

As with relationship dealbreakers, there are plenty of ones revolving around political candidates and elected officials. I’m sure we all have our own biases since politics is a highly contested business yet perhaps we need to have a few guidelines on what candidates we shouldn’t elect in the first place. Here is a short list:

1. If he posts a picture of his private parts online to people who aren’t his spouse. (I’m talking to you Anthony Weiner, when we ask for transparency in Washington, showing photographs of your “Carlos Danger” isn’t what we had in mind.)

2. If he knocks up his mistress while his wife is fighting cancer and refuses to acknowledge the kid until almost a year later. (Remember, John Edwards?)

3. If he knocks up his maid and doesn’t acknowledge the kid until ten years later. (You know who I’m talking about, Arnold.)

4. If he suddenly disappears for a weekend without a word and claims to he was hiking the Appalachian Trail while he was really screwing his mistress in Argentina with travel expenses paid by the tax payers. (What do you mean this isn’t a dealbreaker, South Carolina? Sanford didn’t even deserve a second chance.)

5. If he campaigns as a pro-life candidate and demands his mistress have an abortion. (This coming from a state senator from Tennessee, who got reelected anyway. Seriously?)

6. If he or she doesn’t pay child support or acknowledge an existence of an illegitimate child. (Seriously, if you can run for public office over the local level, you can certainly pay child support. And I don’t care if your ex is a bitch.)

7. If his behavior on C-SPAN is akin to a spoiled child who’ll throw a major tantrum if he doesn’t get his way. (I swear my cousins are better behaved than Tea Party Congressmen.)

8. If he threatens to shut down the government if he doesn’t have his way with certain legislative policy. (Again, Tea Party Congressmen.)

9. If he cheats on two critically ill wives for a certain amount of time before sending them divorce papers. (Newt Gingrich is such a despicable man in both spheres.)

10. If he is cheating on his spouse with a teenager or having a sexual relationship with a teenager or anyone younger. (Sexual behavior toward minors is never okay.)

11. If he sends lurid text messages to teenagers. (Remember Mark Foley sending his e-mails to pages?)

12. If he has camera crews follow him around to his yacht where he’s seen in a romantic embrace with a woman who’s not his wife. (This not only proves that he’s not only an adulterer but also lacks basic common sense, like Gary Hart.)

13. If he’s a clergyman. (Seriously if he’s addressed as a Rev. or has spent his life in a religious vocation, then he will not have my vote. We need to keep the institutions of church and state separate so clergymen should never run for political office.)

14. If he makes racist or sexist comments and doesn’t see no need to apologize for them. (This cost Sen. George Allen his seat in the U.S. Senate in 2006.)

15. If he tries to go to great lengths to justify why they don’t support abortion when it comes to rape, incest, or life of the mother. (If a Republican politician is ever asked whether about abortion in cases of rape, incest, or life of the mother, he or she should just shut up because no good can come out of answering such question. Seriously, just because you may believe in such ideas, doesn’t mean you should say them. Case in point, Todd Akin’s “legitimate rape” comments.)

16. If he has several allegations of sexual harassment to his staff members. (Something tells me the mayor of San Diego isn’t going to last much longer.)

17. If he knows nothing about the kinds of policy that would be related to the job he’s running for. (Herman Cain anyone?)

18. If his favorite movie is Birth of a Nation. (As a film that promotes racism and portrays the KKK as the good guys, it’s easy to see why.)

19. If he is a member of his local KKK. (Like the gubernatorial candidate in O Brother, Where Art Thou?. Actually he was the Grand Wizard.)

20. If he’s involved a major corruption scandal which could mean jail time. (Well, this one is obvious.)

21. If he has a collection of child porn. (Another obvious one.)

22. If he used a racial or sexist slur on a reporter.

23. If he writes a book which states that women should stay at home and not give anyone sass. (Of course, this helped Rick Santorum lose to Bob Casey in 2006.)

24. If he says “well, one of my best friends is (insert demographic here)” after saying something bigoted in order to prove he isn’t. (He’s a bigot.)

25. If his name has become eponymous to something disgusting due to his bigotry toward a certain demographic. (Again, Rick Santorum, naturally.)

26. If he is caught at a wild teen party where there was underage drinking. (This is now befalling a current attorney general of Maryland who’s probably going to lose.)

27. If he had committed perjury in a case that involved his son killing his neighbor with his father’s gun. (This happened to a local state senator in Pennsylvania.)

28. If he’s anti-gay yet is caught engaging in homosexual activity. (I mean like playing footsie in the bathroom with an undercover cop type situation or going on gay chat lines. There’s a whole bunch. Methinks they protesth too much? I think so.)

29. If he makes an ass of himself on the Daily Show. (Any news outlet can count on this one.)

30. If he is caught on tape calling half the nation a bunch of freeloaders who live off government money. (And this is why Mitt Romney never became president.)

Halloween Costume Tips for Children

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 5, 2013

For those who remember my last post for inappropriate Halloween costumes, I was mainly setting certain standards that applied to a more general audience, particularly of the teen and adult variety (especially those in college). However, when it comes to Halloween costumes, not all standards are created equal especially if they pertain for children under the age of 14. For this I have a special set of rules to make sure your child can dress in a safe and appropriate costume and you don’t have to be accused of bad parenting. Of course, I don’t have any kids but I understand that the FCC standards of decency are much different for children’s programming as well as am the oldest of 23 grandchildren so those kind of count. Also, it’s not difficult to figure out and I’m just writing this post for laughs and using it to post bad costume pictures like the one of kids dressed from The Jersey Shore.

1. Make sure the costume idea is age appropriate- Okay, if you don’t want to be seen as a bad parent, you need to pay attention to this. Of course, there are certain costumes that shouldn’t be worn by anyone but sometimes there are certain costume ideas which are perfectly all right for adults but absolutely not suitable for children. Sexy costumes are a perfect example but there are age inappropriate examples for both boys and girls like these:

2. Make sure the costume is obtained from G or PG rated material- Or from any source in which you’ll let your kid watch. Of course, many superhero movies are PG-13 and so are the later Harry Potter films but these are perfectly fine. And I wouldn’t object from any parent dressing their kid as a hobbit if they’re Lord of the Rings fans. You can dress your kid as a stormtrooper for all I care. But, please don’t have your kid be dressed from a source material that’s rated R and strictly for adults like Hannibal Lecter. I mean children aren’t going to know who he is but parents probably will and they might get freaked out. See here:

3. Don’t be gross or gory- Of course, on adult costumes grossness and goriness are perfectly all right since Halloween is supposed to be scary and most violence and gross out comedies are catered to adults anyway. For kids, not so much since there are plenty of debates about how much violence in the media influences children’s likeliness to commit violence themselves. As for grossness, you don’t want other parents to be disgusted by your kid’s costume. Of course, this one takes the cake:

4. Make sure the costume sets a decent example- By this, I mean make sure it’s appropriate enough not for people to get offended by it or accuse you of bad parenting. Of course, if your son wants to dress up as his favorite character from My Little Pony, that is fine. If your son wants to dress up in a girly costume, that’s fine as well. Also, if your girl wants to dress in boyish costume, it’s all right, too. After all, this is Halloween where cross dressing is common among people who wouldn’t do so otherwise. Also, cross dressing is perfectly G rated. However, I wouldn’t advise any parent to have them wear costumes of political figures, controversial celebrities, reality TV stars, convicts, or any TV character known for doing very bad things (like Dexter or anyone from The Wire). Just don’t let your kid wear anything disturbing.

5. Make sure the costume is appropriate enough to wear in school- Of course, if your kid goes to a public elementary school, there’s a good chance that he or she will wear it in school on the last Friday in October. Make sure your kid’s costume fits into the guidelines of his or her school such as not having sharp edges as well as leave the weapons at home (I mean high schools don’t even have plastic knives in the cafeteria). Still, I wouldn’t recommend your kid wearing this for the same reason (and that it’s offensive):

6. Make sure the costume doesn’t have anything to do with drugs or alcohol- This is a biggie since such content might be perfectly all right for an adult to wear, it’s unsuitable for children, especially if they’re elementary school age. Any child going as Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, Don Draper, or anyone else in a costume depicting drugs or alcohol will certainly not be allowed to wear it for school. As for the alcohol and cigarettes, use the idea with your spouse, not your kid. Also, I wonder what this parent was smoking when he or she thought this was a good costume idea for a baby:

7. It’s all right to be scary but not too scary- It’s all right if your kid wants to go as something scary for Halloween. After all, Halloween is a holiday associated with ghosts, witches, ghouls, and monsters. However, there are some scary kid costumes that are very disturbing for adults and would certainly give little children nightmares, especially if they’re from horror movies aimed at teens and adults. Tim Burton film inspired costumes also fall into this camp. Such an example here:

There are some costumes that are unintentionally scary such as this Pinocchio costume. Avoid this one like the plague:

8. Make sure the costume passes political correctness- Of course, with adult costumes it’s okay to allow a little political incorectness now and then, just as long as it’s not outright offensive. For kids, you have to be a little more careful since while some costumes might be okay on and adult, they may not be for kids, especially if it insults someone who might give them candy. For instance, this Blind Ref costume might be a funny idea for adults and teenagers but for kids, this might end up insulting blind people. Thus, political correctness must be emphasized:

9. Don’t make your kid wear a costume that would embarrass them- Listen, you might want your kids to dress in a costume you might think is funny but if your kid carries the kind of expression akin to Ralphie in pink bunny pajamas, you might want to take a pass. Not to mention, there are some costume ideas that are just too cruel to instill on your kids. The boy who’s wearing a toilet costume is certainly going to get teased or beat up at school shown here:

10. Naughty is fine, sexy is not- Of course, the terms “naughty” and “sexy” almost mean the same thing when it comes to Halloween costumes for adults. However, you don’t want your daughter to dress in a sexy costume but that in kids costume “naughty” doesn’t necessarily carry the same connotations. For instance, take this Naughty Leopard costume for toddlers:

While it may say “Naughty Leopard” on the label, look closely ans see that it’s just a normal little girl’s costume that carries no sexual connotations whatsoever. This is fine. However, if a girl’s costume seems to resemble something off Toddlers & Tiaras or anything resembling child prostitutes, then it’s not okay. See here:

11. Make sure the costume is something your kid can go trick or treating in- A child’s costume needs to be practical such as allowing them to see and move around. Also, you want to emphasize safety in the equation such as having your kid’s costume not be something they could injure themselves or other kids. This baby Minecraft costume isn’t a real practical one to wear since it doesn’t have anything to see through. But it’s okay since it’s a baby costume. If this was worn by an older kid, it would’ve been worse:

12. If it’s inappropriate for adults, then it’s inappropriate for kids- Last but not least, I’d like to note that if a costume idea is deemed inappropriate and offensive to adult audiences, then it will certainly be the case if a kid wore it. And I don’t think it could be any more emphasized than with me posting a baby pimp costume:

Of course, I might have missed a few criteria here and there but if you want to see which costumes your kids shouldn’t be wearing I have a few links at your disposal:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/15/the-most-inappropriate-kids-halloween-costumes-photos_n_1967382.html

http://www.babble.com/home/25-totally-inappropriate-halloween-costumes-for-kids/

http://www.parentsociety.com/news-2/inappropriate-kids-halloween-costumes/

What Not to Go (For Halloween)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 30, 2013

Warning: This post shows content that may or may not be safe for viewing, especially in front of young children. Some images may be guaranteed to offend racial, ethnic, and religious groups as well. Viewing discretion is advised.

Of course Halloween is around the corner which is a time for spooky decorations, pumpkin carving, ghost stories, trick or treating, parties, scary movies, and tick tacking houses. Another thing people like to for Halloween is dress up into costumes either for a party or trick or treating. Some are reserved for kids, others for adults. Still, there could be some controversy on a person’s choice in costume or how inappropriate it is. However, there are certain things for Halloween that no one should go out as regardless of age, gender, demographic, or whatever. Whatever you do, don’t go as these for Halloween.

1. Nudist

Pro: This is perhaps the easiest costume to make and the cheapest costume to buy since it doesn’t really require much of anything. Just go as you are in your birthday suit. It’s as simple as that.

Con: However, to dress up as a nudist for Halloween is perhaps one of the worst ideas. For one, you will be arrested for indecent exposure if you’re going out anywhere since public nudity is against the law. Also, there’s a good chance that you’ll offend everyone with your nakedness so much that they’ll probably call the police on you. If you’re at home, expect to frighten the trick or treaters and their parents when you emerge from your door out in the buff and they’ll never stop at your house again. If your kid’s a nudist, expect him or her to get no candy and be subject to severe criticism on how bad a parent you are. Then there’s the fact you’ll be shivering whenever you go outside.

Verdict: For God’s sake, make sure your Halloween costume is one that includes clothes. No one wants to see your private parts. Perhaps one of the worst costume ideas ever. Streaker isn’t a good idea either.

2. A Black Person (for people who aren’t black)

Pro: Well, this might be difficult to say since I really can’t think of any pros without sounding too racist or offensive.

Con: It’s one of the most offensive costume ideas since it requires the use of blackface, especially in the United States. Not only that, but you run the risk of projecting a derogatory stereotype. You may think that dressing up as a black person may be a way to show esteem or mock them, it’s not. Rather it’s extremely insulting to a whole demographic and one of the most anti-black things you can do. If you show up in blackface in a predominantly black neighborhood, expect to never get out of there alive. I’d say the same to those who go around wearing an Obama mask since they’re no better. Look, it’s okay not to like Obama but it’s not okay to dress up as him to mock him, especially if you’re not black for you may run a tendency of insulting almost every black person in town.

Verdict: Unless you’re a black person, don’t go as a black person. And if you don’t like Obama, go as Joe Biden instead. I know it’s no fun to be politically correct and Obama’s the president but still, it’s a terrible idea that will warrant you sensitivity training. Actually don’t go as anything that projects a derogatory racial, ethnic, or religious stereotype.

3. Feminine Hygiene Products

Pro: Well, they may be easy to make and can be made pretty cheaply. Also, you’ll be a hit with the ladies at the Halloween party.

Con: Oh, did I say hit with the ladies? I actually mean hit by the ladies. Not to mention, dressing up as a bleeding tampon or napkin is just so disgusting as well as offensive to women. Look, none of us ladies would ever consider dressing up as one of our feminine hygiene products. That goes the same with female sex organs. All dressing up in these Halloween costumes is going to do is give us ladies an impression that you’re a total douche who deserves to be slapped in the face. I understand you guys go as condoms, semen, and male sex organs and though they’re as offensive as they may be, at least they’re costumes of your respective gender. However, how would you men feel if we women went out as a condom, semen, or penis? I don’t think you’d like that.

Verdict: Oh, fucking hell, no! Just, no please. I don’t care who you are just no. Also, eeeew.

4. Pedophile Priest

Pro: Well, easy to make and cheap. Other than that, I can’t find anything.

Con: As a Roman Catholic, this is probably a costume that that is guaranteed to personally offend me since the priestly child sex abuse cases just put a stain on the Roman Catholic Church (though child molestation is just as prevalent in any organization). Not to mention, this costume is guaranteed to get a person kicked out at a Catholic school, college, church, or hospital. Look, this probably the easiest costume to offend about a billion people with regardless of church attendance and religiosity. Not to mention, you never know where you’re going to meet someone who’s Catholic. You may even know someone who’s Catholic, maybe not particularly devout but still, once a Catholic always a Catholic right? Heck, any depiction of pedophilia in Halloween is just as offensive and shouldn’t be mocked at. I mean how would it feel if you saw a costume like pedophile minister, pedophile rabbi, or Jerry Sandusky? I rest my case.

Verdict: Congratulations, you just got a billion people praying the rosary in hopes that you’ll be sent to hell. Hope you find it warm down there when you die. Oh, and I see that all those sweet nuns did a number on you and tied you to a pole. And there’s the local priest encouraging the little children to throw rocks at you. Hope you’re happy and I just don’t feel sorry for you. Should’ve gone as sexy priest instead.

5. Klu Klux Klansman

Pro: Well, easy and cheap to make. Also, more creative than a ghost.

Con: Strictly put, this costume is blatantly racist and offensive to blacks since the KKK is a terrorist organization and hate group notorious for lynching and intimidating blacks in the South. It was even revived with the release of Birth of a Nation, perhaps the most racist film to date. I don’t care if you’re going as one for laughs, you’ll be seen as an angry white supremacist wherever you go. In a black neighborhood, you might as well just pick up those white robes and run like hell because chances are, you will be lynched.

Verdict: Don’t go as a Klansman under any circumstances. You will never see the light of day with this costume on, you virulently white supremacist bastard. Hope you get killed by your own burning cross.

6. Nazi

Pro: Well, they seem to have the nicer uniforms in all those World War II movies.

Con: You know Prince Harry got in a lot of trouble for wearing one, right? Also, you know that the Nazis were responsible for making Germany a totalitarian dictatorship, starting a world war, committing mass genocide that included 6-9 million Jews. That costume is sure going to make you look very anti-Semitic.

Verdict: Unless you’re doing a production of The Producers in which you sing, “Springtime for Hitler,” don’t go as this, period. On second thought, just don’t even if you do play a Nazi in your professional life or are just in WW2 reenactments. I mean you never know where you’ll meet a Jew or somebody whose grandma survived the Holocaust. And I’m sure a Holocaust survivor is certainly going to have plenty of ideas of what to do if you if yo happen to just don that Nazi uniform. Plus, wearing a Nazi uniform is certainly going to get you arrested in Germany since the Germans practically banned anything associated with Nazism. Same goes for Hitler.

7. Muslim Terrorist

Pro: Might be a way to show off your creative talents and doesn’t cost much to make.

Con: It’s one of the most offensive Halloween costumes out there, especially in a post-911 world. Muslims already have a hard time in this country after all the shit they’ve been through like being racially profiled and stereotyped as terrorists. This kind of stereotyping has been very detrimental for Muslims living in America who also died on 9/11, fought in our wars, lived in our country as law-abiding citizens, and supported our country through thick and thin. And it still sparks controversy if a group of Muslims want to build a mosque in a community so they can practice their faith in this country as they please. Besides, Islam isn’t as much a violent religion as Christianity, historically speaking and most Muslims are just regular people who live their own lives. Nor does it encourage anti-Western or anti-American ideology as a matter of fact.

Verdict: Almost nothing can inspire jihadist action among Muslims than seeing a person in the West wearing that highly offensive costume. Might inspire real hatred for your country if an Islamist terrorists sees you in that. And you don’t want to be an inspiration for terrorism right?

8. Sexy Kids Show Character

Pro: It’s a nice way to look cute at a Halloween Party and pay homage to your favorite character from your childhood.

Con: Actually makes that particular kids show character be suitable for a pornographic film. Not to mention, many of these sexy kids show costumes are marketed toward women which is also part of a disturbing trend of making women’s costumes seem sexy. Can I just go as regular Elmo? Really? Besides, most of the sexy Sesame Street costumes are those that feature male characters like Bert an Ernie. Yes, there’s a sexy Bert and Ernie costume. Not to mention, those kind of costumes might kill a child’s innocence.

Verdict: Making kids show characters as sexy costumes is just plain, well, wrong. There are some costumes that shouldn’t be made sexy and I think kids show characters should be one of them. Besides, no one wants to see a sexy Cookie Monster. That little 3-year-old may not see Elmo in the same way again.

9. Depraved Sex Maniac

Pro: There are so many ways to get creative with this costume, with many of the results being hilarious. There are just so many variations of this costume.

Con: Dressing up as a depraved sex maniac is not only an unsuitable costume to greet trick or treaters in, but also very offensive even in front of mature audiences depending on the material. Perhaps the only occasion I can ever find this kind of costume being appropriate in is an adults-only Halloween party, especially if its venue is a frat house. Still, would you want people to post pictures of you in such a costume on Facebook? Think about it.

Verdict: Would you want to be known as the guy who dressed up as a man banging a sheep? I wouldn’t think so. I mean they post pictures of that on the internet, you know. Besides, you don’t want to be in that kind of costume when trick or treaters come to your house. I mean think of the children and parents.

10. Asian Doll (for Non-Asians)

Pro: These are fairly popular among non-Asian women. Not to mention, Asian women are said to be rather desirable.

Con: The reason I put for Non-Asians is that no self-respecting Asian woman would want to wear one (maybe geisha but I’m not so sure). For one, these are sexy costumes which is kind of sexist toward women. Second, the take-out costume is just begging for gross jokes about “eating out.” Not to mention, it’s a stereotype of an Americanized version of what “Chinese” is. Also, the hyper-sexualization of this costume feeds into the all to prominent stereotypes of Asian women. Yikes!

Verdict: Actually, any sexy ethnic girl costumes shouldn’t be worn on Halloween, period. They’re offensive regardless of nationality.

11. Geisha Girl (also for Non-Asians)

Pro: Hmmm, this is a challenging one. I wonder if it’s because of Memoirs of a Geisha having something to do with it. Maybe it’s just a symbol of Japanese decadence or the female equivalent of the samurai costume.

Con: For one, in many circles geishas are considered high-end prostitutes, which is a cause for concern. Second, a geisha girl is a racist and sexual stereotype thrust upon Asian women which paints them as submissive, doll-like, and existing only to sexually gratify others. In turn this harms many Asian women since many non-Asians tend to defend geisha girls on a pedestal even though it’s considered a fossilized archetype in modern day Japan. So nostalgia’s probably not always a good thing.

Verdict: This costume has a lot of grey area depending on the variation but still, many Japanese women can get offended by that regardless of costume scheme. Still, I think I’d suggest maybe you go as Murisaki Shikibu, one of the world’s earliest known women writers and perhaps the world’s first novelist. Of course, The Tale of Genji isn’t one that’s necessarily suitable for children but people still read it. Yet, at least she’s a better Japanese female figure than a geisha girl. At least many Japanese women would be impressed if you know who Murisaki Shikibu was. In fact, dress up as any famous Japanese woman even it’s Yoko Ono. Also, a character from anime and manga is a viable option.

12. Anything with an Erection

Pro: Can make a boring costume hilarious.

Con: Not suited for younger children and the erection might depend on the kind of costume. If you’re dressing as a Viagra salesman, then it’s uniquely appropriate (though I don’t know why you’d want to dress as a Viagra salesman). If you’re dressing up as like a prisoner, teacher, or priest, then it’s deeply offensive. Also, most of the time having an erection in your costume makes other girls think you’re too dumb to have a creative costume idea.

Verdict: Can’t you come up with some original costume idea that doesn’t involve any form of crude frat boy jokes? Seriously, guys, sometimes you’re just too obsessed with your sex organs.

13. Abortion Themed Costumes

Pro: This might help get the pro-choice and pro-life sides agreeing with something.

Con: Actually you’ll get them to agreeing that your costume is inherently offensive since abortion is such a serious issue and isn’t an issue you want to address on Halloween. This will certainly result in you getting attack in some way or another like a pipe bomb stuffed down your pipe or acid thrown in your face type.

Verdict: Just stay away from doing an abortion themed costume. Just stay away if you don’t want a gang of torches and pitchforks going after you. Abortion is absolutely not the kind of topic people should joke about. It’s a deadly serious issue and I’ll just leave it at that.

14. Catastrophe Victims or Disasters

Pro: This might be a tough one.

Con: Obviously, these costumes revolve around moments of great tragedy and heartbreak that it goes without saying that they would be highly inappropriate for a Halloween costume. I mean all these costumes are going to illustrate is how an insensitive jerk you are.

Verdict: Please don’t wear these costumes, whatever you do. Otherwise, I hope you receive a well-deserving slap or punch in the face. Insensitive jerk, indeed.

15. Indian Princess

Pro: You might be able to wear this costume on Thanksgiving which would especially help if you’re an elementary school teacher supposing if the costume is decent enough.

Con: The sexy version of this costume is highly offensive especially if it’s know as a “seductive squaw.” The term “squaw” is a very derogatory name for an Indian woman which the First Nations certainly won’t take too kindly. A sexy Pocahontas costume would be even worse since she was about 12 at the time when she saved John Smith and sexualizing pre-adolescents is never a good idea. Also, a political incorrect depiction might be deemed fairly offensive. I mean this costume has the potential to offend American Indians at different levels. Actually most Native American costumes do.

Verdict: This costume is probably most likely better left for children to wear since adults who wear this to work will probably receive a certain amount of sensitivity training (or just be fired). Actually almost any Native American costume can fit into this even in a mascot capacity (sorry, Redskins fans). Still, I’d stay away from this costume if I were you.

16. Poop

Pro: May be and cheap to make. As to any explanation why anyone would do this costume, I don’t have the slightest idea.

Con: For one, this is a disgusting and poor taste idea for a costume that seems to be thought up at the last minute. Second, it might make many people at the party think you’re No. 2 (and not the first runner-up kind either). Third, I’m sure you’re not going to pick up any chicks with that kind of costumes.

Verdict: Seriously, you went as that for Halloween? Honestly, you have to go as that. Some things should never be costume ideas, plain and simple. Also, eeeeew.

17. Jesus Christ

Pro: Well, what better costume for a CCD or Sunday School Halloween party than dressing up as the Prince of Peace?

Con: Except that he’s a religious figure, which is always controversial no matter what the depiction. Secondly, there are also certain Christian groups who don’t celebrate Halloween based on false claims that it promotes things like paganism, witchcraft, sin, and devil worship. I mean the holiday basically offends them to this degree already so dressing up like Jesus is certainly going to piss them off and somewhat confirm their beliefs about the holiday when they see you twerking on the dance floor or making out with a witch in a car.

Verdict: Only dressing as Muhammad would be worse since you’re not even allowed to depict a picture of him.

18. Pimps and Ho’s

Pro: Well, its a good excuse to get dolled out and slutty.

Con: Some costumes may have some people mistake you for the real thing and God help you if those are the police pr a serial killer. Also, they are highly inappropriate and tend to somewhat glamorize certain folks who aren’t just committing illegal acts (at least in the US) but also don’t live nice lives (prostitutes are always highly susceptible to violent crimes during their work hours). Not to mention, pimps aren’t nice people (I mean they’re sex traffickers) as well as the kind who should never be idolized in rap lyrics. Not only that, but not all pimps dress like that (some of them just dress in plain normal clothes in order to get girls into the business). And another thing, wearing either has the potential to offend African Americans who are said to be frequent depictions of either.

Verdict: If you watched what happened to Kramer when he tried to get to the pink Cadillac. Take it as a word of caution. Also, you might have the potential to be mistaken for a stripper.

19. Recently Deceased Public Figures

Pro: Chances are people will recognize who you’re dressed up for Halloween since their death has been on the news.

Con: It’s perhaps way too soon since the person who died may still have friends and family in mourning, especially if they died under untimely and tragic circumstances. You might want to wait a year, or fifty.

Verdict: Perhaps you should stick to celebrities who are either still alive or been dead for at least a decade.

20. Santa Claus

Pro: If your seasonal job is being Santa at the mall, this might be pretty convenient.

Con: Some is little kid is going to wonder why Santa answered the door to your house on Halloween during trick or treating. I mean Santa Claus is very closely tied to Christmas and that’s only a couple months away. Also, might kind of remind people what’s coming up next commercialwise so they don’t want to see anyone in a Santa suit until after Thanksgiving.

Verdict: As a holiday mascot, you might want to avoid dressing up like Santa to avoid confusion or anger.

Conclusion:

Of course, there are plenty more costume ideas you shouldn’t try on Halloween and I’ll just leave you at that.

For intentionally offensive costumes:

http://www.holytaco.com/25-intentionally-offensive-halloween-costumes/

Here’s a satiric article on politically incorrect costumes:

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/costumes.htm

Here’s some more offensive costumes:

http://happyplace.someecards.com/11102/the-most-inappropriate-halloween-costumes-of-all-time

Here’s some costumes gone horribly wrong:

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/24-embarrassing-homemade-halloween-costumes

How to Survive in Southwestern Pennsylvania-A Guide to Outsiders

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 16, 2013

1. Team jerseys not to wear on football game day: Baltimore Ravens, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Oakland Raiders, and maybe New England Patriots or whoever else the Steelers are playing that day.

2. Team jerseys not to wear on Hockey game day: Philadelphia Flyers or whoever else the Penguins are playing against.

3. As for Division I college teams, usually most will be for Pitt or Penn State, though there is a sizable minority who will root for West Virginia. (In my house, it’s pretty much for Pitt.)

4. When traveling on the highway during spring and summer, road construction crews will be a common sight.

5. When going through Pittsburgh, do not use the Parkway during rush hour since it will be jammed packed full of traffic.

6. As with soft drinks it’s always referred to as “pop” not soda nor coke. Also, in these parts, coke is usually seen as cocaine, which is illegal.

7. Expect drunk sports fans to be everywhere on game day since most towns in the region tend to have more bars than churches.

8. Haluski, kielbasa, and pierogies aren’t considered ethnic food in the region and will be served even at concession stands.

9. Don’t expect our country roads to be great places to drive on for there will be potholes, cracks, and other road condition issues.

10. When pronouncing Youghiogheny as in the River, remember that the first “o” is short and the “u” is silent. It’s also known as the Yough, which everyone refers to it anyway.

11. You will only be able to buy alcohol at the local state store since most local stores can’t sell booze here because it’s Pennsylvania.

12. If it stops raining on a cloudy day, always be prepared it will start again.

13. In the winter, everyone will be mostly concerned with road conditions, delays, and closings, especially when it snows.

14. There’s a good reason why it’s said that Pittsburgh is a drinking town with a football problem and vice versa.

15. There are some parts of Fayette County I wouldn’t advise you to show your face. Same may be for Greene County as well.

16. In this area, California can be a town or a university (though not always of great repute) while Indiana is a county (and home to IUP a well known party school if you know what I mean).

17. Profanity and drinking are great traditions in this region.

18. You might want to stay away from certain areas in the Mon Valley, while you’re at it. I mean some places may be nice but it’s still kind of a shithole.

19. If you go to Ohio State, you may be surprised of what the people of Jeannette think of Terrell Pryor.

20. You might not want to go hiking in the woods the Monday after Thanksgiving (especially since it’s a day when most area children don’t have school).

21. You might want to make sure your fly’s zipped when someone tells you that “Kennywood’s open.”

22. There’s a big difference between the Immaculate Conception and the Immaculate Reception which even a child will know but will call both instances nothing short of great miraculous significance.

23. Don’t ask me why there are 4 country music stations on the radio.

24. For those who think the area seems any way similar than what was depicted in The Deer Hunter, prepare to be disappointed or in utter shock.

25. Expect many people to be decked with the black and gold on game day, especially in the fall.

26. The Primanti Bros. Pittsburgher is actually not as good as they say it is.

27. Eat n’ Park is a nice place to eat with your family and they actually have smiley face cookies for the kids.

28. Shooting deer is serious business here so be thrilled that there’s no hunting on Sunday.

29. Yinz and yunz are second person pronouns in the plural tense.

30. If there’s a closed country road, go another way since it will take months before Penn DOT will show up.

The Moral Ambiguity of Bathroom Humor

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 2, 2013

In the American media, we have these moral crusader advocacy organizations that aren’t above decrying moral indecency whenever the media depicts something that greatly offends them. Some can range from offensive depiction of certain groups or creeds which is understandable since many of conservative decency organizations tend to be religiously affiliated while liberal ones tend to represent ethnic or religious minorities. Some could pertain to the depiction of sex and nudity which is also understandable to moral crusaders and parents alike (however, moral outcry over depictions of a homosexual couple just sharing their life together is just a major overreaction. Same for separate beds and showing pregnancy.) Sometimes it could be the depiction of drug use, violence, or profanity which is understandable as well since most people don’t want their kids using drugs, inflicting violence, or swear (though that may not be possible) and sometimes these three things can be shown as cool in the media. However, there’s a kind of category which many moral crusaders tend to see as non-family friendly or flat out inappropriate in general which I don’t see as something you should shelter kids from which is, you guessed it, bathroom humor.

Now I understand that the human body does conduct certain bodily functions that are typically seen as crude and disgusting as well as in poor taste to talk about them in a humorous context. And when such bodily functions are sometimes brought up on TV it’s usually in advertising pertaining to health as well as discussed as discreetly as possible. For instance, in an ad for Activia yogurt, you have a bunch of women saying how the two-week Activia challenge helped “regulate” their “digestion.” Of course, you’d have to be a two-year-old not to know that what these women are talking about are their bowel movements (a parody video of this has the girl on the toilet towards the end). Still, I can understand why you’d put women in a commercial like that instead of men because they’d probably be much more blunt about it and perhaps use profanity. Then there are plenty of commercials for laxatives and adult diapers as well. Of course, you also got the fart jokes in Gas-X but still, many of these commercials that tend to be discreet and boring all aimed for adults. And whenever there is an ad that contains bathroom humor like the farting horse commercial from Bud Light, then people complain about it citing poor taste, indecency, disgust or not suitable for children. Sure bodily functions like urinating. defecating, or farting are in poor taste, disgusting, or even indecent but there’s no way that jokes about any of them aren’t suitable for children. For God’s sake do you think you can corrupt little kids by telling them poop jokes? No, for toilet humor pertains to certain things everyone does on multiple occasions every single day of their lives. Not to mention, toilet humor has been around for a very long time and is present in almost every culture on the planet. Besides, there are many children who make their own poop jokes and think farts are funny and don’t ask me why, they just do. Still, at least potty humor in a commercial is much more entertaining than a commercial devoted to a more serious discussion of bowel movements, especially in the format of a pharma ad.

Thus, we can’t always assume what is in poor taste is always considered something we need to shelter our kids from. Basically the only thing what bathroom humor does to children is make them more likely to engage in bathroom jokes of their own. But if references to bodily functions aren’t something we need to shelter our kids from, then why aren’t there more scenes in the media depicting people going to the bathroom? Because going to the bathroom is such a mundane activity that the act itself doesn’t really contribute to the plot unless something out of the ordinary happens while in it. Also, the notion of privacy is an issue as well even though going to the bathroom wasn’t always something people did alone. Take the Romans who had communal public toilets, for instance. Still, this doesn’t mean that these characters aren’t going to the bathroom. Going to the toilet just isn’t that important in fiction and not many people want to see that sort of thing since it’s kind of disgusting, especially when the piece is set in historical times. And believe me, you may not want to know how they conducted their business.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Humor