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The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 1-The Professionals

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
Estate Manager: On Downton, this is the job you give the Irish chauffeur after he's managed to procreate with the boss's daughter who's died in childbirth.

Estate Manager: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the Irish chauffeur after he’s managed to marry and procreate with the boss’s daughter who’s died in childbirth from eclampsia. Yet, despite not having a college education and being an Irish Nationalist and self-professed Anarcho-Socialist involved with terrorism, he’s perfect for the job because he’s grown up on a farm and is the father of the boss’s granddaughter by his dead daughter.  Oh, and I’m sure the boss will forgive him for leaving his pregnant wife in Ireland while on the lam, supporting the Russian Revolution, and blowing up a castle.

The British show Downton Abbey is a hit period drama (or soap opera) in both the UK and the US which tells the story of a great house during the early 20th century which kicks off when two of the male heirs of Downton and to the Earl of Grantham died aboard the R. M. S. Titanic and since the Earl only has daughters, the next in line is a lawyer in Manchester who the Granthams hadn’t met until the second episode. The show is now in its fifth season which airs on PBS during the months of January and February in the United States. Since my series on the real people from HBO’s Boardwalk Empire has met great success (I’m still getting hits on the posts since September) I figured I could do a similar series pertaining to Downton Abbey as well. However, I couldn’t do a series on the real people of Downton Abbey because there’s barely any, which would take a very small post (and most of these people appear in Season 4). Instead, I decided to do a series on an aspect the show revolves around: the servants.

For a long time in Great Britain, domestic service was a big industry, especially in the 19th century where servants were employed by almost every family that could afford one. In the 1850s it’s said that 1 in 3 women between the ages of 15-25 were servants while the other 1 in 3 were prostitutes. By 1900, British domestic servants amounted to 1.5 million of the country’s population of 36 million. Of course, unlike what you’d see from Downton Abbey and in other media portrayals, the relationship between master and servant wasn’t always of mutual respect between social boundaries. And it would be more fair to say they were treated more like appliances than people. Not only that, but servants’ lives could actually be quite miserable, degrading, exhausting, and thankless work. Some people could be forced to surrender their identities for a matching hair style and a generic name. Not to mention, servants could often be targets of abuse and could be fired for getting married, pregnant, or other reasons. Many of them worked 17 hour days for a pittance wage but the competition was fierce since servants had a roof over their heads and regular meals. Not to mention, there were worse situations to be in at the time such as in a factory or on the streets. Still, when it came to employment options a servant would rather work in a great house like Downton than a small one (which would’ve had a staff much bigger than on the show). At least working at a grand house would mean not doing as many chores and meeting people. And as far as loyalty goes, it wasn’t unusual for a employers to hire 32 maids in 34 years. However, despite the romanticized picture Downton Abbey gives, there was much more separation between the lives upstairs and downstairs and a lot of times the people downstairs didn’t have it so great (and at times their lives could totally suck since their employers couldn’t be held accountable if their bosses did anything horrible to them). Yet, what the show does get right is that servants did have their own hierarchies and were a great part to the grand house economy on the estate. Of course, I should remind you that not all the servant jobs I feature in my post pertains to the time of Downton Abbey or even the 19th century in that matter either.

In this first post, I’ll cover a group of those who worked on the estate or the Great House but weren’t actually designated “servants” since they didn’t reside in the house or at times didn’t work directly under the master and his family. Rather many of them have the designation as, “professional” employee since many of them had some degree of education and skill, yet may or may not work when called upon. Some of them may have their own house on the estate while others may just be looking for a place to apply their skills or live elsewhere. Yet, compared to most of the servants you’d see, they’re usually treated better, have much more independence or power, work shorter hours, and are more likely to be better paid. Not to mention, they don’t really belong in the other categories you’ll see later. So for your pleasure, here’s a list of jobs you’d see from an English estate under the designation of, “professional.”

1. Chamberlain
Function: Charged with the management of the living quarters of a sovereign or member of the nobility. May be in charge of receiving and distributing funds.
Pay and Benefits: Well, this is a job that allows for generous compensation as well as a private house on the estate. May have servants of his own.
Status: Highest steward of the servant hierarchy and regarded as a professional employee. Is answerable only to the master.
Hours: Depends on their duties during a specific era. Medieval chamberlains had the longest hours and most duties compared to their later successors.
Typical Candidate: Usually a member of the nobility or the royal court, particularly lower than the person they’re serving.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t really exist on Downton Abbey, except maybe in the King’s household with Lord Chamberlain.

2. Land Steward or Estate Manager
Function: Responsible for managing the farms, collecting rents, and undertaking all those activities associated with making the estate profitable. Other duties include leasing farms, surveying the property, settling disputes over land and farming, and detailing records of such affairs. When master isn’t present, usually supervised cultivation of land, lending his ear to tenant farmers and the sophistication of agricultural practices. Communicated with lawyers, family members, architects, suppliers, and tenants as well as saw to processing every aspect for the family and its affairs.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 100-300 pounds ($11,000-$33,000) and a private house on the estate.
Status: Regarded as a professional employee with a status higher than the family lawyer. Is answerable only to the master.
Hours: Usually a regular work day with a flexible schedule or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a highly educated gentleman. Lawyers preferred, especially those who have a financial and managerial background.
Characters who had this job: The Earl of Grantham and his family had Jarvis who served the estate from 1880 to 1920 until Downton Abbey was struck with financial disaster in Season 3. Since then, it’s been shared by Matthew Crawley and Tom Branson (since he grew up on a farm). Yet, after Matthew’s sudden death during the Christmas Special, it’s just been Branson.

3. House Steward or House Manager
Function: Responsible for all purchasing, hiring, firing, and paying the servant staff. Engages with the male and female servants except the family, lady’s maid, nurses, and valet. Orders goods, pays bills, and keeps books. May also act as the Land Steward as well. Usually submits books to the master for review on a monthly basis. Basically the chief servant and the estate’s accountant.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 50-100 pounds ($5,500-$11,000). May have his own private house on the estate with its own sitting room.
Status: Regarded as a professional employee but he’d be the chief male domestic servant in a household. Reports to the master and does not wear a livery.
Hours: Works on a daily schedule on the estate.
Typical Candidate: Must be male as well as a certain amount of education in finance and management. Usually lower born than the Land Manager.
Characters who had this job: Downton Abbey doesn’t really have this job since the House Manager is usually employed in larger households where the accounts are too extensive for the Housekeeper to manage. However, in the show, the House Manager’s duties are usually split between Carson and Mrs. Hughes.

4. Bailiff
Function: Either a free agent or employed under the Estate Manager. Manages the farm on his master’s country estate, buys cattle and horses for the plow, and is responsible for husbandry, the breeding and raising of livestock of the estate. May assist the Estate Manager in tenant and leased land issues as well as other administrative duties. Occasionally may assist in the dining room.
Pay and Benefits: Well, may have his own house as well as a generous annual salary.
Status: Well, as far as the grounds goes, he may be either professional or servant. If servant may be Upper Staff but not share in the privileges.
Hours: Typical working hours, save maybe special occasions.
Typical Candidate: Usually a reasonably educated man, preferably someone who’s grown up on a farm.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t really exist on Downton Abbey though Tom Branson usually fulfills many of the duties (he grew up on a farm).

5. Family Lawyer

Family Lawyer: At Downton, this job doesn't just pertain to legal consultation or representing the family on legal matters. Not only is he the go to guy when someone needs to get out of a jam but he also exists to explain the complicated legislation driving some of the plots.

Family Lawyer: At Downton, this job doesn’t just pertain to legal consultation or representing the family on legal matters. Not only is he the go to guy when someone needs to get out of a jam but he also exists to explain the complicated legislation driving some of the plots.

Function: Assists the family with legal matters and represents them in a court of law as well as in legal transactions. Serves executor of the will and is the first one called if a family member is facing legal trouble.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure lawyers in those days didn’t come cheap, especially those who served wealthy families.
Status: Regarded as a professional and didn’t live with the family unless he was related to them.
Hours: Came to the family as often as needed but tend to have a regular work schedule.
Typical Candidate: Usually a highly educated man from the upper or middle classes. May be part of a firm or the family even.
Characters who had this job: George Murray, QC has this job at Downton Abbey and he usually exists to explain the complicated legislation that drives the show’s plot. Tends to give sound financial advice, even if Lord Robert ignores it.

6. Librarian
Function: Basically responsible for things most librarians are such as managing the books in the estate library as well as family records and archives. Keeps a catalog of books, manuscripts, documents, and other pieces of information.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure the librarian got a fair compensation as well as their own private house on the estate.
Status: Considered a professional and not a servant. Addressed by last name.
Hours: Regular working hours.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone from the educated middle classes with at least a college education. Could be male or female but if the latter, she was usually single.
Characters who had this job: An off-screen character named Mr. Parkison has this job on Downton Abbey as of Season 4.

7.  Secretary
Function: Personal assistant providing a variety a clerical functions such as dictation, correspondence, typing out documents, organizing, and maintaining files. May also handle bookkeeping operations, greet visitors, and make travel arrangements.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a generous compensation.
Status: Considered a professional, addressed by last name, and reported to the master.
Hours: Regular working hours or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman or man with some experience in clerical skills.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey. However in Season 1, Gwen Dawson trains to be and becomes one for a telephone company.

8. Journeyman
Function: A craftsman who’s completed his apprenticeship but isn’t yet a master. Responsibilities may include repair of furnishings or specialist cleaning.
Pay and Benefits: Depending on the journeyman’s fee or trade.
Status: Considered Casual Staff since they don’t live on the estate.
Hours: Called on as often as needed or if they’re passing through.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s completed his apprenticeship but isn’t a master.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey for many of the skilled trade jobs fell by the wayside during the Industrial Revolution.

9. Tenant Farmer

Tenant Farmer: At Downton this is a job you give to guy who's family has lived on your estate since the Napoleonic Wars, is suited for agriculture and animal husbandry, and needs to repay the boss a debt inherited from his dead father. Basically a guy who agrees to farm your land to spare you from labor and that he owes money to you. Also, willing to tend to pigs and secretly take care of any illegitimate aristocratic children.

Tenant Farmer: At Downton this is a job you give to guy who’s family has lived on your estate since the Napoleonic Wars, is suited for agriculture and animal husbandry, and needs to repay the boss a debt inherited from his dead father. Basically a guy who agrees to farm your land to spare you from labor and that he owes money to you. Also, willing to tend to pigs and secretly raise any illegitimate aristocratic children.

Function: Tending to the livestock and crops on the estate’s lands as well as paying rent in exchange for a home and compensation.
Pay and Benefits: Well, they rented land they had a private house on as well as some compensation for what they provide to the estate.
Status: Well, they were renters and partly beneficiaries so they weren’t considered servants in the usual sense. Reported to the master or estate manager.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sundown, especially during the spring through autumn.
Typical Candidate: Usually men from tenant families who’ve resided on the estate for generations.
Characters who had this job: Downton Abbey has a lot of tenant farmers on the estate, but only a man named Timothy Drewe is named from Season 4. His family has been tenants at Downton since the reign of King George III. Has a wife and 3 sons and is in charge of the pig sty.

The Wonderful World of Bath Soaps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Bath House Soaps

As we all know, soap is a rather essential product in our every day living. After all, we use soap to clean ourselves with whenever we take a bath or shower. We also use it for dishes, our clothes, and our spaces. It also comes in forms like bars, salts, liquids. and powder detergent. Still, while most people view soap as a cleaning agent to wash things and people with, this doesn’t stop people from using it for creative artistic expression. Mostly they’d make their own soap designs as gifts, but sometimes you’d wonder. Still, what I’m about to show you are the many designs which people and companies have made and manufacture. So without further adieu, here are some uniquely designed soaps for your viewing pleasure. Of course, we’ll be seeing designs from bath soap, naturally.

1. Heard of soap on a rope? Well, here’s soap on a roll.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

2. A little butter on your toast, perhaps?

Okay, it's soap so I'm probably not going to eat that. Still, I can't tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

Okay, it’s soap so I’m probably not going to eat that. Still, I can’t tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

3. You’ve heard about growing a mustache. How about washing with one?

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can't eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can’t eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

4. Man, can’t believe you can have money in your soap.

It's going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I'm not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

It’s going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I’m not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

5. Smell like a tropical paradise with some coconut soap.

I don't know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious.

I don’t know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious unlike real coconut.

6. For a great gift for your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, how about a nice chocolate heart soap?

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it's soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it’s soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

7. Hey, would you want some fries with your Burger King order?

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won't taste in any way like French fries.

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won’t taste in any way like French fries.

8. And now, scrub yourself clean with soap kebabs.

Now while this is pretty creative, I'm sure it's now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody's eye out.

Now while this is pretty creative, I’m sure it’s now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody’s eye out.

9. How about some popcorn for the movie?

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

10. Jesus Christ came to this world to cleanse the world from sin as well as died on the cross for it. Now you can have Jesus on a rope cleanse your body, face, and naughty bits.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it's Jesus on a rope, I can't just pass this one up. Let's just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don't want to say anything inappropriate either.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it’s Jesus on a rope, I can’t just pass this one up. Let’s just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don’t want to say anything inappropriate either.

11. As 96.1 KISS FM always said, “It’s peanut butter jelly time.”

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn't want to eat this one since it may kill you.

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat this one since it may kill you.

12. Nothing cleans better than a bunch of disembodied baby hands.

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There's no way I'd want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There’s no way I’d want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

13. Love may stink but the soap shall set you clean.

Of course, you don't want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

Of course, you don’t want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

14. Sometimes the path to good hygiene is just a click away.

Still, I'm sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

Still, I’m sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

15. Of course, you can’t leave without grabbing a drumstick of soap, that is.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn't make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn’t make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you, except to a cannibal.

16. For the Jew in your life, may I suggest to you a matzo ball soap as a gift for Chanukah?

I don't think matzo balls are that big. Still, it's interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

I don’t think matzo balls are that big. Still, it’s interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

17. Now having a Tyrannosaurus Rex soap will make you cleaner than you’ve ever been since 65 million years ago.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

18. Summer is the time of frozen treats on a popsicle stick whether they have ice cream or not.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn't stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn’t stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

19. Looks like Fido needs a treat.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him. And now you know.

20. Of course, since everyone loves bacon, we just have to have bacon soap.

Of course, sometimes it's better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

21. Now here’s a soap of a Japanese sumo wrestler.

Please tell me he's wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it's really hard to tell due to the that he's so morbidly obese.

Please tell me he’s wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it’s really hard to tell due to the that he’s so morbidly obese like most sumo wrestlers.

22. For Valentine’s Day, try out these cute little candy soap hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine's Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine’s Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

23. Be up to your Easter Sunday best with these colored egg soaps.

It's clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won't become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

It’s clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won’t become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

24. My mama always said life is like a box of chocolate soaps because you never know what you’re going to get.

Couldn't resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don't have to worry what you're going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

Couldn’t resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don’t have to worry what you’re going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

25. Now there’s nothing better to scrub your hands than some hand soap on a rope.

Then again, when I mentioned "hand soap on a rope" this isn't really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you'd see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

Then again, when I mentioned “hand soap on a rope” this isn’t really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you’d see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

26. Now here’s some soaps of hot spicy peppers you’d put in Mexican food.

I'm sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I'm sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I'm certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

I’m sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I’m sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I’m certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

27. Now here’s the soap of a true wiener.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

28. Now these pig soaps may come straight out of Old McDonald’s farm.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won't be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won’t be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

29. If you or your kids love Legos, they’d love these soaps of Legos blocks.

Unlike real Legos, it won't hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

Unlike real Legos, it won’t hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

30. Now here’s some great soaps of water lilies.

Now I don't know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

Now I don’t know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

31. These skull and cross bones soaps would be a great gift for a pirate.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk's apartment.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk’s apartment.

32. For those who work at a nuclear facility, I’m sure this radioactive soap and sponge kit would make a great gift.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won't lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can't say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Ruffsdale KOA.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won’t lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can’t say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Madison KOA. Yes, I know there was a nuclear meltdown at Waltz Mill in the 1970s.

33. May shower time never be the same with these rainbow heart soaps.

Now I don't know about you but I can't see why anybody shouldn't love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t see why anybody shouldn’t love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

34. Now I’m sure these cupcake soaps are a real treat.

However, I must warn you don't ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they're still pretty cute.

However, I must warn you don’t ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they’re still pretty cute. Especially so with flowers, sprinkles, and cherries on top.

35. All right, leggo my soapy eggo if you dare.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I'm not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I’m not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap either.

36. For Ocktoberfest, clean yourself with these soaps of beer and pretzels.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I'm sure that the beer is soap though I don't know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I’m sure that the beer is soap though I don’t know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

37. Treat yourself to these sticky bun cinnamon roll soaps.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

38. Finally, chocolate cookie soaps.

Then again, I'd rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they're fresh out of the oven.

Then again, I’d rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they’re fresh out of the oven.

39. And now, the new Apple iPhone.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don't work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don’t work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

40. Bath time will never be the same again with this Nintendo Wii soap.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it's probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won't electrocute you in the tub.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it’s probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won’t electrocute you in the tub.

41. I give you Oreo cookie soaps.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don't use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don't want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don’t use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don’t want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

42. Here are some doughnut soaps with different colors of icing.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

43. Scrub your way into the shower with an old time Nintendo game controller.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

44. Of course, we always need to scrub our fingers.

Yet, I don't know if I'd be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

Yet, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

45. Well, let’s settle into some delicious pepperoni pizza.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it's not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it’s not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

46. For your Halloween Party, I’m sure stocking your bathroom with eyeball soaps may do.

Then again, I'm sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

Then again, I’m sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

47. Of course, I’m sure the NRA has their bathrooms stocked with these pistol soaps.

Still, I'm sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don't mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn't be pretty.

Still, I’m sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don’t mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn’t be pretty.

48. If you need to defend yourself, here’s a soap of brass knuckles.

Then again, I don't think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

Then again, I don’t think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

49. Look, it’s cheese soap. And man, there are a lot of different types.

I'm sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit's house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

I’m sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit’s house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

50. Have a steady supply of soap with this lovely sushi soap set.

This way you wouldn't just know how to keep clean, but you'd learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

This way you wouldn’t just know how to keep clean, but you’d learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

51. Add a little color to your bathroom with these crayon soaps.

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I'd really like a purple one. Still, great for kids

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I’d really like a purple one. Still, great for kids.

52. Now the first rule of Fight Club is that nobody talks about Fight Club.

If you've seen the movie, you'd know what this soap references. Still, let's just say I don't want to see that movie again.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’d know what this soap references. Still, let’s just say I don’t want to see that movie again.

53. Well, that looks like a tasty croissant roll.

Oh, wait, that's soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

Oh, wait, that’s soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

54. Rubber duckie, you’re the one. You make bath time so much fun. Rubber duckie, I’m totally fond of you.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn't a soap. Else, he'd be gone before Ernie would realize it.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn’t a soap. Else, he’d be gone before Ernie would realize it. Still, the tub thing is pretty cute.

55. Ain’t no soap bar like a gay bar.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don't buy this soap.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don’t buy this soap. Seriously, it might offend the LGBT community.

56. Now how about having to clean yourself with a piece of shit?

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

57. Rub your hands clean with this magic lantern soap.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won't cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won’t cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

58. Have a lovely piece of artwork in your bathroom such as a soap of the Venus de Milo.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won't be as pretty as this by the time you're done with it.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won’t be as pretty as this by the time you’re done with it. However we never knew where her arms went or what they looked like.

59. Scrub yourself clean with Michelangelo’s David.

Now while Charleton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it's almost as true to the real thing upon green.

Now while Charlton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it’s almost as true to the real thing upon green. Nevertheless, would make a great gift for Sister Wendy Becket, who has a thing for male nudes.

60. Make your bath time a masterpiece with Sandro Boticelli’s The Birth of Venus.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

61. If your girlfriend’s a fan of the 1997 James Cameron film, she’d love this soap rendition.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

62. As we have these candy mints after dinner, you might want to use these candy mints soaps before.

Now I'm sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you're dirty.

Now I’m sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you’re dirty.

63. Of course, this laptop soap would go great for any Silicon Valley bathroom.

Now I'm sure this soap computer won't work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

Now I’m sure this soap computer won’t work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

64. Now here’s a soap of a potato to grace your bathroom. Looks almost like the real thing doesn’t it?

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can't bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can’t bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

65. While we have Lego soaps, we also have Lego people soaps, too. And in many different colors.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I'm sure that real Lego people didn't come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I’m sure that real Lego people didn’t come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

66. For the holiday season, I’m sure Christmas light soaps would make your bathroom seem festive.

They may not light up, but at least you don't have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they're just bulbs if you know what I mean.

They may not light up, but at least you don’t have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they’re just bulbs if you know what I mean.

67. Smell fresh as a daisy by rubbing your body with these perfume bottle soaps.

Of course, these soaps won't just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

Of course, these soaps won’t just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

68. What better way to get yourself clean than with a soap resembling microbes on a petri dish.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that's the one all right.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that’s the one all right.

69. Perhaps you can smell like flowers with this lovely floral soap.

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

70. Well, there’s nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning.

And there's nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

And there’s nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

71. Perhaps we can have some soap eggs to go with that soap bacon.

Of course, you wouldn't want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they're on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

Of course, you wouldn’t want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they’re on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

72. I’m sure they won’t see it coming with this soap grenade.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won't make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won’t make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

73. Now check out this soap handgun in the bathroom.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Even more scary is that this one comes with its very own bullet. Please, don't ask me to wash with this in the shower.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Please, don’t ask me to wash with this in the shower. Still, there’s nothing cool about it.

74. Soapy, soapy, night. Paint your pallet blue and bright.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn't wash with this soap since it's so pretty.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn’t wash with this soap since it’s so pretty.

75. Of course, what Star Wars fan wouldn’t want a soap of Han Solo frozen in carbonite in their bathroom?

Of course, I've seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

76. How about a bacon cheeseburger with some pickles and fries?

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn't be good for you. Yet, I'm sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn’t be good for you. Yet, I’m sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

77. Look good with these tubes of lipstick soap.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean. And no, they don’t seem to come in many different colors.

78.These jigsaw puzzle piece soaps sure do go together.

Of course, there's a chance that all these pieces won't be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don't they have purple?

Of course, there’s a chance that all these pieces won’t be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don’t they have purple?

79. Wash your body with these beautiful soap bottles.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

80. Of course, these precious gemstone soaps sure do give off light like real ones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I'm sure that it's very obvious they're not gemstones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I’m sure that it’s very obvious they’re not gemstones.

Home Not So Sweet Home

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Ellen_H._Swallow_Richards_House_Boston_MA_01

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home. Ever since humans traded their nomadic lifestyle for a sedentary life of agriculture and civilization, people have always built houses ranging from the straw hut to the McMansion. Today houses come in all shape, sizes, and types all providing us shelter from the elements outside like increment weather. You can tell a lot about a person from their houses such as wealth and perhaps occupation and personal taste. Now I could talk all day about all the beautiful houses there are but you wouldn’t find this post remotely interesting. Instead, I’ll talk about the types of houses you’d see from the road and make you wonder how such a place exist or who would ever want to live there. However, before I go further, let me go over what this ugly house post doesn’t include:

1. Houses that are messy and decrepit as if abandoned and suffering from poor upkeep.

2. Houses built for low income residents and in bad neighborhoods.

3. Unfinished houses that were either under construction or being torn down.

4. Any house that has been boarded up and seems condemned.

5. Any house that’s been through some kind of disaster.

Of course, some of these houses shown may be due to how its architectural style may make them eyesores on the landscape. Other houses may seem outrageous looking due to the paint job and color. Sometimes it’s a little of both. There may be some that have no character and others that may seem to have too much. So without further adieu, here are some horrendous looking houses you may embarrassed to invite your friends for dinner in, if you ever lived there (save possibly Belgium).

1. Behold, where modern design meets the lack of utilitarian imagination.

While this design may be more appropriate for an office building, it hardly seems suitable for a residential neighborhood.

While this design may be more appropriate for an office building, it hardly seems suitable for a residential neighborhood.

2. One can do wrong with a house of gray blocks.

Now I don't know about you but this doesn't seem exactly homey to me. Reminds me a place I'd rather go home from like the law office of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

Now I don’t know about you but this doesn’t seem exactly homey to me. Reminds me a place I’d rather go home from like the law office of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

3. What do you mean houses don’t have faces?

Yes, those windows appear as if the house is alive and has a rather expressionless face. Also, I don't think it seems too keen about the white railing on the porches.

Yes, those windows appear as if the house is alive and has a rather expressionless face. Also, I don’t think it seems too keen about the white railing on the porches.

4. Of course, coming home to this house will sure give you stars.

This little house would actually be perfectly quaint if it weren't for its tacky exterior. Yeah, that cover is bound to cause migraines.

This little house would actually be perfectly quaint if it weren’t for its tacky exterior. Yeah, that cover is bound to cause migraines.

5. She wanted a standard 2 story house. He wanted something more futuristic looking. Eventually they settled for this.

This looks as if the builder basically took an old house, split it in two, and built the white block and balcony section to connect the two. Now I'd be pretty embarrassed to live at this place.

This looks as if the builder basically took an old house, split it in two, and built the white block and balcony section to connect the two. Now I’d be pretty embarrassed to live at this place.

6. I call this one, “The Green Tea Tulip House,” since it’s green and has a second story shaped like a tulip.

The tulip design is a perfectly fine architectural style for such a house. The green tea color on the other hand, is just utterly disgusting.

The tulip design is a perfectly fine architectural style for such a house. The green tea color on the other hand, is just utterly disgusting.

7. Now nothing makes a winter cabin brighter than Rainbow Brite.

Sure it may look a bit decrepit and abandoned. But I'm sure the next Cabin in the Woods film isn't going to be set at this place. That is, unless who's killing everyone there is a big fan of Lisa Frank.

Sure it may look a bit decrepit and abandoned. But I’m sure the next Cabin in the Woods film isn’t going to be set at this place. That is, unless who’s killing everyone there is a big fan of Lisa Frank.

8. Wait a minute, this house ain’t halfway done?

Let's just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that he or she ran out money before they could go any further. Yet, they still had plenty of bricks.

Let’s just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that they couldn’t build on as much property as they thought. So they built a large brick wall on the cross section.

9. Behold, the house of the future!

This house is as over 40 years old because it was used in Woody Allen's 1973 comedy Sleeper. Now I wonder how anyone living at this place can go to the bathroom?

This house is as over 40 years old because it was used in Woody Allen’s 1973 comedy Sleeper. Now I wonder how anyone living at this place can go to the bathroom?

10. Now this house seems to resemble any little girl’s dream.

Of course, the family thought they did a good job on their daughter's room that they decided to do the whole house like this. Then again, this would be a perfect facade for a Barbie Dream House.

Of course, the family thought they did a good job on their daughter’s room that they decided to do the whole house like this. Then again, this would be a perfect facade for a Barbie Dream House.

11. For those going for a more curvy feel, here’s a house for you.

Let's just say, someone might've thought curvy features is a good idea. Alas, it just seems that this architect was way too much into The Lord of the Rings.

Let’s just say, someone might’ve thought curvy features is a good idea. Alas, it just seems that this architect was way too much into The Lord of the Rings.

12. Apparently, Bobby wanted the kind of house where he could practice his rock climbing.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure that orange, lime, green, and light yellow is a good exterior color scheme. And the fact that this house is in a more modern style makes it even uglier.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that orange, lime, green, and light yellow is a good exterior color scheme. And the fact that this house is in a more modern style makes it even uglier.

13. In the future, we’ll all live in these affordable modular homes like these.

Let's hope the future never comes to this. Besides, I don't want to live in a home that reminds me of where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

Let’s hope the future never comes to this. Besides, I don’t want to live in a home that reminds me of where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

14. Nothing like the kind of home than one designed to freak out the neighbors.

Now this house seems as if it's spying on the neighbors. Let's hope that there's no telescope behind either of the giant circular windows.

Now this house seems as if it’s spying on the neighbors. Let’s hope that there’s no telescope behind either of the giant circular windows.

15. Well, as long that feature’s in the colonial style, I don’t see how it won’t do any harm.

Now I don't think the front door style goes well with the rest of the house. In fact, I think it just makes an otherwise decent looking house seem fairly hideous.

Now I don’t think the front door style goes well with the rest of the house. In fact, I think it just makes an otherwise decent looking house seem fairly hideous.

16. Now I’m sure nobody could have too many dormer windows.

Actually, while I think two would've been fine, four is just way too many for this house. In fact, maybe this house shouldn't have any dormers at all.

Actually, while I think two would’ve been fine, four is just way too many for this house. In fact, maybe this house shouldn’t have any dormers at all.

17. Brenda decided to have her house painted her two favorite colors: lime green and bright yellow.

Now there's a sight for sore eyes. Actually it's more of a sight that will make your eyes sore. Let's say that lime green and bright yellow aren't a good color scheme for a house.

Now there’s a sight for sore eyes. Actually it’s more of a sight that will make your eyes sore. Let’s say that lime green and bright yellow aren’t a good color scheme for a house.

18. Now here’s a great modern design for your liking.

Looks like the kind of house I'd imagine Lex Luthor having as a summer home. Seriously, it's more or less "eek" than "chic" to me.

Looks like the kind of house I’d imagine Lex Luthor having as a summer home. Seriously, it’s more or less “eek” than “chic” to me.

19. Of course, you can barely go wrong with a free standing chimney.

Maybe, but I see no reason why this house would look any better with a Pizza Hut like roof at the front. Seriously, this home just looks too silly form me.

Maybe, but I see no reason why this house would look any better with a Pizza Hut like roof at the front. Seriously, this home just looks too silly form me.

20. I’m sure that trim on the garage enclosure goes well with the rest of the house.

Now I don't think the trim on the garage area was a good idea because it doesn't go well with the house at all. Yet, I do like the brick work though.

Now I don’t think the trim on the garage area was a good idea because it doesn’t go well with the house at all. Yet, I do like the brick work though.

21. When it comes to roofs, you can’t have too many gables.

This is a place in New Jersey called, "The Bird Turd House of the Seventy Gables." It was said to be inspired by the German Coo-Coo Clock. Yet, you can see why people liken it to bird turds.

This is a place in New Jersey called, “The Bird Turd House of the Seventy Gables.” It was said to be inspired by the German Coo-Coo Clock. Yet, you can see why people liken it to bird turds.

22. Of course, perhaps you’d prefer to live under a pyramid with glass windows.

Now this is a house in Belgium which has a reputation for terrible house architecture. Still, I'm sure I wouldn't want to live in a house like this.

Now this is a house in Belgium which has a reputation for terrible house architecture. Still, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to live in a house like this.

23. Sure, I think we can create more stories for that black row house.

If there has been any architect who ever gave the finger, then this is possibly in the most spectacular way possible.

If there has been any architect who ever gave the finger, then this is possibly in the most spectacular way possible.

24. Of course, we can build a home that expresses both business and party at the same time.

Unfortunately, this house seems to have a lot of windows (which makes me question about their bathroom and privacy). Not only that, but it sort of resembles one of those ultramodern doctors' offices for some reason.

Unfortunately, this house seems to have a lot of windows (which makes me question about their bathroom and privacy). Not only that, but it sort of resembles one of those ultramodern doctors’ offices for some reason.

25. Now how about you paint your house in a shade of pink?

Now I'm not sure about pink houses in general. Yet, I'm not sure if this pink would be perfect for Malibu Barbie, let alone anyone else.

Now I’m not sure about pink houses in general. Yet, I’m not sure if this pink would be perfect for Malibu Barbie, let alone anyone else.

26. Now here’s a house that would really jump out to you, in an asymmetrical way.

Then again, it could use another window on the second story. On the other hand, I'm not sure how you can improve this house's look.

Then again, it could use another window on the second story. On the other hand, I’m not sure how you can improve this house’s look.

27. Now let’s step inside this lovely mansion.

Okay, that might be Albus Dumbledore's summer vacation cottage. You know, the Sherbert Lemon Wizard Ranch.

Okay, that might be Albus Dumbledore’s summer vacation cottage. You know, the Sherbert Lemon Wizard Ranch.

28. Okay, so let’s flip this house.

Hey, when I said, "flip this house," I didn't mean in this fashion. Oh, God, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Hey, when I said, “flip this house,” I didn’t mean in this fashion. Oh, God, I’m surrounded by idiots.

29. Hello, and welcome to Hayvenhurst.

I'm sure that it would look much better if the front way didn't have to be as high as the other parts of the house. But these owners really wanted to make a grand entrance.

I’m sure that it would look much better if the front way didn’t have to be as high as the other parts of the house. But these owners really wanted to make a grand entrance.

30. This house tends to go for the black and white stripes variety.

Looks almost as if someone made a house out of part of an army surplus store and tried to pass it as if it was made out of Legos. Nice try.

Looks almost as if someone made a house out of part of an army surplus store and tried to pass it as if it was made out of Legos. Nice try. Seems like the perfect vacation home for Beetlejuice, if you include the ugly yellow porch.

31. I don’t care how well it goes with the house. I want a castle tower.

Now maybe you shouldn't get castle tower unless you live in an actual castle. It just looks so out of place.

Now maybe you shouldn’t get castle tower unless you live in an actual castle. It just looks so out of place.

32. Now I give you the most expensive house in the world.

How in the hell would anyone want to buy such an expensive piece of shit? If you want to build a home that costs about $2 billion, at least make it look nice.

How in the hell would anyone want to buy such an expensive piece of shit? If you want to build a home that costs about $2 billion, at least make it look nice.

33. Now here is a palm desert mansion any celebrity would buy.

Now I can't tell the difference between this house and large pile of scrap metal. How would anyone want to entertain at this seeming pile of junk?

Now I can’t tell the difference between this house and large pile of scrap metal. How would anyone want to entertain at this seeming pile of junk?

34. I call this an owl house.

Just don't ask it how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Still, kind of freaky looking if you ask me.

Just don’t ask it how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Still, kind of freaky looking if you ask me.

35. Now I’m sure a big block of brick at the front upstairs window won’t hinder its looks.

Now this is just such an hideous block placement that I'm not sure ivy can cure. Still, I think it would look better if the brick block in the upstairs window would be removed.

Now this is just such an hideous block placement that I’m not sure ivy can cure. Still, I think it would look better if the brick block in the upstairs window would be removed.

36. What can go wrong with painting your house purple?

Now I really like purple. In fact, it's my favorite color. But I don't know what to think about Dracula's taste in exterior decorating.

Now I really like purple. In fact, it’s my favorite color. But I don’t know what to think about Dracula’s taste in exterior decorating.

37. How about a house colored with the rainbow?

Alright, this resident is on something. And by that, I mean like LSD, marijuana, PCP, brown acid, and other hallucinogen that's known to make you see God or bring world peace.

Alright, this resident is on something. And by that, I mean like LSD, marijuana, PCP, brown acid, and other hallucinogen that’s known to make you see God or bring world peace.

38. How about make your home inside this pyramid?

Now I don't know about you but I can't help but think that the person who lives there is part of some big shadow organization like the Illuminati perhaps. Then again, there's the Freemasons since this pyramid looks like the one on a US dollar bill, according to the National Treasure franchise.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t help but think that the person who lives there is part of some big shadow organization like the Illuminati perhaps. Then again, there’s the Freemasons since this pyramid looks like the one on a US dollar bill, according to the National Treasure franchise.

39. Now I’ve never seen a triangle frame house quite like this one.

Now if this house was possessed, at least I know that the monster is basically in this place. Actually, the house may be the monster as you see by the window eyes and face.

Now if this house was possessed, at least I know that the monster is basically in this place. Actually, the house may be the monster as you see by the window eyes and face.

40. Now there is a house with a lot of funky color in it.

Unfortunately, the house painter might've had too much brown acid at Woodstock. I'm sure this is a certain eye sore for neighbors.

Unfortunately, the house painter might’ve had too much brown acid at Woodstock. I’m sure this is a certain eye sore for neighbors and may send some into seizures.

41. This house just needs a friend to keep it warm near the red telephone booth.

Don't look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don't like the look in its face. Keep away.

Don’t look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don’t like the look in its face which is creeping me out. Keep away.

42. I suppose this home would suit any Lord of the Rings fan.

Well, any LOTR fan who's on a budget and thought Rivendell looked too fancy and not enough like some kind of creepy mad scientist's lair.

Well, any LOTR fan who’s on a budget and thought Rivendell looked too fancy and not enough like some kind of creepy mad scientist’s lair.

43. Now this house must be very angry with its owners right now.

Of course, this is why the owners haven't realized that this house isn't too fond of them. This explains why their home has so many problems all the time.

Of course, this is why the owners haven’t realized that this house isn’t too fond of them. This explains why their home has so many problems all the time.

44. I’m sure houses have feelings, too, you know. Sometimes they’re not as apparent.

This house doesn't seem to be too happy here. Maybe it's because they're not paying attention that it has dry rot or something. Still, the brick work is pretty nice on this one.

This house doesn’t seem to be too happy here. Maybe it’s because they’re not paying attention that it has dry rot or something. Still, the brick work is pretty nice on this one.

45. Of course, you’d always need a tower to cover up the front door and for a possible room upstairs.

I don't know about you but there's something kind of out of place and phallic about this house. I just can't put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn't have that brick tower.

I don’t know about you but there’s something quite phallic about this house. I just can’t put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn’t have that brick tower. Also seems to have a creepy face, which makes this house even freakier. Still, why are there so many ugly houses in Belgium?

46. Of course, some houses are fairly accommodating.

For some reason, I wouldn't be able to look at this house and wonder whether I was being watched. There's just something unsettling about it if you know what I mean.

For some reason, I wouldn’t be able to look at this house and wonder whether I was being watched. There’s just something unsettling about it if you know what I mean.

47. Remember, kids, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Kind of reminds me of what Batman's greenhouse may look like if he ever got into gardening. Also seems to have a monstrous face.

Kind of reminds me of what Batman’s greenhouse may look like if he ever got into gardening. Also seems to have a monstrous face.

48. House by day. Transformer by night.

I also wouldn't be surprised if this would be the kind of house Batman would live in, if he wasn't born into a rich family. Yet, I don't know what the Batmobile would look like.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if this would be the kind of house Batman would live in, if he wasn’t born into a rich family. Yet, I don’t know what the Batmobile would look like.

49. Welcome to Saint Peter’s Catholic Church and Car Repair.

Basically the only place where you can receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and a wax job.

Basically the only place where you can receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and a wax job. And yes, it’s in Belgium.

50. Now let’s get this house to stand right back up again.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Looks like it was how this house was built, and not as though it had been through a hurricane. Sorry.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Looks like it was how this house was built, and not as though it had been through a hurricane. Sorry.

51. Murg seemed to like earth so much that he ended up settling down and turning his spaceship into a home.

Of course, he thought his spaceship was so large and spacious than most houses that he didn't bother with going through renovations. At least on the outside, that is.

Of course, he thought his spaceship was so large and spacious than most houses that he didn’t bother with going through renovations. At least on the outside, that is.

52. Now how about some dark woodwork with that painted wooden siding?

While I was in marching band in high school, we played against a school that had brown and yellow as a school color. And let me say, these two colors don't go well together at all, except maybe in the toilet.

While I was in marching band in high school, we played against a school that had brown and yellow as a school color. And let me say, these two colors don’t go well together at all, except maybe in the toilet.

53. Nothing makes a house a home like unconventional window placement.

However, there is such a thing as being too much unconventional that it makes the house seem like a residence for a Dr. Seuss character.

However, there is such a thing as being too much unconventional that it makes the house seem like a residence for a Dr. Seuss character.

54. Welcome to our elevated trailer park apartments.

I think someone made a gingerbread display of this that I posted for gingerbread architecture. Still, I don't think trailers tend to bring down property values in a lot of ways. At least in America.

I think someone made a gingerbread display of this that I posted for gingerbread architecture. Still, I don’t think trailers tend to bring down property values in a lot of ways. At least in America.

55. In the future, everyone will live in these large concrete spheres that seem to appear from some futuristic Soviet era.

Please, don't make me live here. The prospect of residing in these mammoth balls of concrete seems like depressing prospect to me. Also, they tend to resemble giant aliens from outer space or something. And they don't seem too happy.

Please, don’t make me live here. The prospect of residing in these mammoth balls of concrete seems like depressing prospect to me. Also, they tend to resemble giant aliens from outer space or something. And they don’t seem too happy.

56. Nothing says home, like a curvy brown home suitable for the CEO of UPS.

If it wasn't for the windows, I would've mistaken this house for a colossal turd from some extremely large mythical creature. Seriously, this is one of the ugliest houses in modern architecture I've ever seen.

If it wasn’t for the windows, I would’ve mistaken this house for a colossal turd from some extremely large mythical creature. Seriously, this is one of the ugliest houses in modern architecture I’ve ever seen.

57. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the IKEA trailer.

Now I may equate trailers with hillbillys and country music. But let me say, that even the worst looking trailers I've seen have never been as ugly as this one. Let's just say I don't equate trailers with high concept design and there's a reason for it.

Now I may equate trailers with hillbillys and country music. But let me say, that even the worst looking trailers I’ve seen have never been as ugly as this one. Let’s just say I don’t equate trailers with high concept design and there’s a reason for it.

58. Of course, you can never go overboard with fancy decorations on a house.

Actually, I take that back you can, especially if the house is brown. Still, looks like a kind of house I'd expect Willy Wonka to own. I mean he has to have some space to escape from all those Oompa Loompas singing.

Actually, I take that back you can, especially if the house is brown. Still, looks like a kind of house I’d expect Willy Wonka to own. I mean he has to have some space to escape from all those Oompa Loompas singing.

59. Now here’s a nice little tower house for fans of Jurassic Park.

Then again, I think a dinosaur quashing it might improve its looks. I mean it just seems more like a house I'd see aliens living in who miss the architecture from their planets.

Then again, I think a dinosaur quashing it might improve its looks. I mean it just seems more like a house I’d see aliens living in who miss the architecture from their planets.

60. Apparently this house was built by an architect inspired by the soaring bald eagle’s rear end.

Let's just say this marvel in modern architecture just seems to be the architect's expression of basically saying, "Up yours!" to his or her clients. Yet, the stupid clients weren't smart enough to figure that out.

Let’s just say this marvel in modern architecture just seems to be the architect’s expression of basically saying, “Up yours!” to his or her clients. Yet, the stupid clients weren’t smart enough to figure that out.

61. Looks like the parents loved how they did the kids’ room so much that they wanted the whole house painted like this.

Now I wouldn't be surprised if this house was in Sweden and the head of IKEA lived there. And I wouldn't even be at all surprised if that person had to build the house from a set of pictoral instructions.

Now I wouldn’t be surprised if this house was in Sweden and the head of IKEA lived there. And I wouldn’t even be at all surprised if that person had to build the house from a set of pictoral instructions.

62. Nothing brings out the nice Florida atmosphere than a house painted lime green.

Remember, kids, friends don't let friends paint their houses in lime green even in Florida. That goes the same way with most of the houses painted in the outfit colors of Florida residents over 65, especially in Boca Raton.

Remember, kids, friends don’t let friends paint their houses in lime green even in Florida. That goes the same way with most of the houses painted in the outfit colors of Florida residents over 65, especially in Boca Raton.

63. Perhaps you were seeking a house in a more naturalistic architectural style.

Now this house seems to resemble a gigantic tree monster who'd basically devour you if you ever try to cut down any of its sacred trees. Yeah, I wouldn't want to live there.

Now this house seems to resemble a gigantic tree monster who’d basically devour you if you ever try to cut down any of its sacred trees. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to live there.

64. Wow! What a colorful row of row houses.

Now this really seems like a tacky day in this neighborhood. This is why row houses should always be built in the same style. Else, I'm sure some neighborhood onlooker is going to break out in seizures.

Now this really seems like a tacky day in this neighborhood. This is why row houses should always be built in the same style. Else, I’m sure some neighborhood onlooker is going to break out in seizures.

65. Hey, kids, there’s the home of Sam I Am from Green Eggs and Ham no less.

Well, it looks like one of those houses you'd find in a Dr. Seuss book. I'm sure Dr. Seuss would be surprised that his work might've inspired a whole architectural movement.

Well, it looks like one of those houses you’d find in a Dr. Seuss book. I’m sure Dr. Seuss would be surprised that his work might’ve inspired a whole architectural movement.

66. I’m sure blue and orange is a great color scheme for any house.

Man, someone must be a huge fan of the Syracuse Orange that they don't even bother considering how tacky their house looks. I get migraines just looking at that place.

Man, someone must be a huge fan of the Syracuse Orange that they don’t even bother considering how tacky their house looks. I get migraines just looking at that place.

67. I’m sure building a home based on your daughter’s dollhouse seemed like a very good idea at the time.

Now just because the facade would go great on a dollhouse, doesn't mean it will translate well in real life. Besides, I'm sure the dollhouse that served as an inspiration was made by Fisher Price.

Now just because the facade would go great on a dollhouse, doesn’t mean it will translate well in real life. Besides, I’m sure the dollhouse that served as an inspiration was made by Fisher Price.

68. I’m sure this warehouse will provide well for your storage needs.

Wait a minute, this is an actual house? Then why does it look like the kind of place Walter White would store his meth stash? And why does it seem to lack total character?

Wait a minute, this is an actual house? Then why does it look like the kind of place Walter White would store his meth stash? And why does it seem to lack total character?

69. Now I’m sure green and red would make your house appear rather festive during the holiday season.

Maybe this house would look perfectly fine during the Christmas season. But other times of the year? Not so much. Also, is that lime green?

Maybe this house would look perfectly fine during the Christmas season. But other times of the year? Not so much. Also, is that lime green?

70. This mansion design was brought to you by Lincoln Logs.

Now I'm sure this is the place where Bruce Wayne trained with Raz al' Ghul in the Dark Knight Saga. Then again, it's been awhile since I've seen Batman Begins anyway.

Now I’m sure this is the place where Bruce Wayne trained with Raz al’ Ghul in the Dark Knight Saga. Then again, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Batman Begins anyway.

71. Now I’m sure this yellow house will strike your fancy.

I'm sure this house was based off that Veggie Tales episode on the Alamo. You know, the one with Davy Broccoli, Jim Beet and General Santa Artichoke.

I’m sure this house was based off that Veggie Tales episode on the Alamo. You know, the one with Davy Broccoli, Jim Beet and General Santa Artichoke.

72. Now let’s put a sun light near the angle so we can save money non energy.

I suppose this place was the starting home of Lex Luthor. I hear his ex-wife lives in that place to this day and that they're not on very good terms.

I suppose this place was the starting home of Lex Luthor. I hear his ex-wife lives in that place to this day and that they’re not on very good terms.

73. There were so many great colors we couldn’t decide. So we went with all of them.

Looks like the paint fumes really seem to get to the painters in this case. You know how inhaling paint could make you see certain things.

Looks like the paint fumes really seem to get to the painters in this case. You know how inhaling paint could make you see certain things.

74. Now this house just makes me see spots just looking at it. Great big colorful ones.

Now this polka dot house may get the neighbors asking the owner, "Are you high?" Also, I'm sure that they don't go well on a house at all.

Now this polka dot house may get the neighbors asking the owner, “Are you high?” Also, I’m sure that they don’t go well on a house at all.

75. Now I just need a big garage to park my car and a nice circular window to spy on the neighbors.

Let's just say, I wouldn't want to live in a neighborhood with a house like this. Besides, I don't think the small warehouse garage and the awning like front part go well with the rest of the house either.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t want to live in a neighborhood with a house like this. Besides, I don’t think the small warehouse garage and the awning like front part go well with the rest of the house either.