Whether used to cover up private parts while swimming or fanservice, swimsuits have always been a mainstay in our culture since modern times. Now while recreational swimming has been a mainstay of civilization public or otherwise, most people basically wore the same type of outfit they’d wear for sleeping: absolutely nothing. And this went for both genders of all ages. However, the first swimsuits weren’t made just to put on the cover for the Ye Olde Sports Illustrated swimsuit contest. In fact, they were to deter such a thing since it would’ve been improper for a woman to show her ankles. Of course, in much of the 18th and 19th century it was also fashionable to be pale, too, so nobody wanted to risk their white skin to sun exposure. They also had bathing machine cabanas on wheels that allowed women to change into their bathing suits in complete privacy during this time. Of course, early swimsuits weren’t well known for their practicality since they tended to be made of wool and took a long time to get in. It had to take the Olympics and the 1920s to have swimsuits be seen as anything suitable for the swim team, at least for women. Nevertheless, when it comes to swimwear aesthetics, most women tend to have it easy since the one piece, two piece, and the bikini have come on the scene. Men’s bathing suits on the other hand, well, a man’s ability to look good in a swimsuit is heavily dependent on his body type regardless of the outfit. Now I can go on and on about the great swimsuits you’d find at the beach, but I don’t want to put Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret out of a job. Instead, I’ll feature swimsuits that you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in at the beach. Some of them might be a tad bit or borderline inappropriate as well as wardrobe malfunctions waiting to happen (which is why this is tagged NSFW). Some are plain impractical and possibly more suited for a Northern Alaska or New England chapter of the Polar Bear Club than anything. And some are just either plain ugly or tacky, possibly both. Still, the wearers I have in this post will most likely be gorgeous models these swimsuits were made for since I don’t want to shame people’s bodies in this post. This is about the outfits, not the people wearing them contrary to the purpose of a lot of swimsuit competitions or swimsuit photos which are certainly intended for fanservice. Also, if a swimsuit looks ridiculous on a gorgeous model, it’ll probably look terrible on you. Still, there are some exceptions. Not to mention, some things here may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some tacky, ugly, and poor taste swimsuits for all of you to see.
1. Now I have no qualms about bikinis, but I do wish the bottoms should adequately cover a woman’s genitalia.
If you look closely, you can see this woman’s bikini bottom doesn’t quite cover her between the legs as it should. And as for posting this photo, it’s really on the borderline between PG -13 and R because I try to avoid showing pictures of exposed private parts (sans boobs). But I’ll have to make this an exception because I’m sure it happens at a pool or beach all the time, where you see people of all ages. If your swimsuit bottoms run the risk of wardrobe malfunction, it’s time to go to the store.
2. Now here is a picture of very slutty swimsuit worn by pro swimmer Annette Kellerman in 1907, which got her arrested in Massachusetts for indecent exposure (and I’m not making this up).
Of course, Kellerman wasn’t a fashion model by any means. She was a swimmer and performer who pretty much invented synchronized swimming. She wore this get up for practicality since women’s swimsuits weren’t really designed for actual swimming. But she caused such a scandal because it exposed her body form which was a Victorian no-no. Of course, today, it would seem more like gymnast attire than anything.
3. Of course, vaginal wardrobe malfunctions don’t always have to apply to bikinis or two pieces alone.
While this woman might feel sexy in this one piece bathing suit, I see this outfit as a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Call me a prude, but I think a swimsuit bottom should be designed similar to underwear as well as cover the hips for support. Hate to see what the back looks like.
4. While the rare sight of washboard abs is a sexy and magnificent sight on the beach, a leopard print speedo is not.
Of course, I always considered leopard prints tacky for some reason or another. But still, the guy looks sexy despite it. However, I tend to recommend that most guys stick to trunks instead of speedos for obvious reasons.
5. Back in the 1890s and early 1900s, it wasn’t unusual for women to wear a 2 piece swimsuit. And by that I mean a knee length dress and bloomers. Sometimes even tights.
Now in the Victorian and early 20th century, modesty was the best policy even in swimwear. Showing too much leg or a collar bone would’ve gotten you arrested for indecent exposure. Same goes for men. However, if you were a woman who wanted to actually swim, these weren’t for you. But, too bad because as far as swimwear went, you didn’t have any legally viable options.
6. Sometimes bikinis are much easier to assemble if they have straps in the midriff.
Now this is actually a reasonably fine bikini without any need for improvement. Well, except cutting the white midriff straps with a pair of scissors because they’re so non-essential and make the outfit look ridiculous.
7. When it comes to string bikinis, sometimes there can be too many strings attached.
Leopard print aside, if that woman can’t keep her string bikini up right without the large strings at her midriff, then it’s a terrible swimsuit. Also, the look can use some scissors.
8. When buying a string bikini, make sure that you buy a top that closely corresponds with your bra size.
Now I know this is a fanservice shot. But while the bottom is fine, the top part should be below the breast, for God’s sake. This woman’s obviously doesn’t. Still, while this chest look might seem sexy on her, most people wouldn’t.
9. Nothing makes a great swimsuit pattern than of cats shooting eye lasers.
Hmm…this is an interesting case. Now this is quite funny, but would I really want to wear it at a pool party? Probably not.
10. If you think speedos are bad, you should see when they’re attached to the neck.
Okay, now this seems to be a cross between a speedo and a high school wrestling get up you’d see in Foxcatcher. As bad as speedos are in swimwear, they guy looks much better without the neck strap. Might want to give him scissors.
11. Sometimes one piece swimsuits are so skimpy for women that they seem to come with a bunch of straps to hold them together.
I’m sure she’ll run the massive risk of a wardrobe malfunction. Well, if she’s caught by the villain and her only means of escape is cutting through those straps. Also, I’m sure if enough straps break on both sides, well, it’s going to be embarrassing.
12. Now a shark bathing suit. Hmmm….wonder if anyone would take a bite out if it.
Now I know sharks play a vital role in the ecosystem and yes, they shouldn’t be killed by humans like they are right now. But since there have been people attacked by sharks, well, this probably won’t go well with them.
13. When it comes to two piece swimsuits, you can always get a bright green one with elaborate trimmings.
Okay, while the bottom is fine, the top is pretty disgusting. Seriously, it just sags from the breasts. Swimsuit tops aren’t supposed to do that.
14. Back in the day, men were just as obliged to cover their chests as women.
Now you’d think a fat guy would actually look good in one of these outfits. Turns out that’s really not the case, especially the top is a skirt.
15. When wearing a bikini, the top waistline must be below the breasts, not on them.
Now it seems this top on a string bikini is too small for this woman’s possibly plastic surgery altered big boobies. Also, please get a bikini top that corresponds to your bra size. Like I said, this pose wouldn’t be sexy if a normal woman attempted it.
16. When wearing a swimsuit, you always want to look neat and tidy, not like you’re a rescued castaway from a deserted island.
Now Melanie was a deep sea diver who was stranded on a deserted island in the Caribbean. She tore her blue diving suit into shreds just to be more comfortable. This is her when she was rescued.
17. Now with the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, there is now a dominatrix swimsuit line.
I’m sure this beautiful purple getup comes with its own cat o’nine tails. Great for the pool, beach, or sex dungeon. Featured in a movie called BDSM Beach Party Bingo.
18. Now this spiky one piece is equipped with a flotation device at its waist.
This would be a great swimsuit for those at the beach who fear drowning and sharks. However, tends to make the wearer look like a complete psycho.
19. For black tie beach parties, this tuxedo one piece is for you.
Well, assuming that you’re a girl and among the help. Other than that, I’m not sure why anyone would want to pull off a black tie beach party.
20. This swimsuit brings a concept of string bikini to a whole new meaning.
I don’t know about you but I think this model should’ve had a hell of a time putting this damn thing on. I can imagine the possibility of being tangled among the ribbons.
21. Of course, in recent trends, swimsuits have become skimpier and skimpier.
I’m sorry but this is way too sleazy as a bathing suit and doesn’t look good on anyone. Seriously, I can totally see the possible wardrobe malfunctions on this one.
22. “My infiltration into the ladies’ room was a cinch.”
I’m sure this guy forgot to shave his beard. And legs. And armpits. Still, I’m sure the guys in the county pen will get a kick out the notion of a guy being arrested in a swimsuit like this one. This might be a woman’s swimsuit even the fact he could fit one of these is kind of disturbing.
23. Fringes always tend to make a swimsuit look more festive at the beach.
But long fringes also have the potential to weight the swimmer down while they’re in the water. Yeah, long fringes on swimsuits aren’t a good idea.
24. Of course, a true Tolkein fan always wear a swimsuit of Lord of the Rings.
I’m sure this will have all the girls ogle at you, but not necessarily for what you think. Seriously, this swimsuit has more hot guys on it than what many would typically see on a beach.
25. I wonder how long it took her to be laced into a swimsuit.
Let’s just say while this might look good on a model, it won’t look good on a normal person. Also, might take a long time to get in. But if you’re into figure control or kinky BDSM stuff, this might be for you.
26. Nothing says fun in the sun like a swimsuit top made out of lifesavers. Now that gives a whole new meaning to the word, “eye candy.”
Let’s hope that these aren’t real lifesavers because odds are that she’ll probably be arrested for indecent exposure. I mean real lifesavers dissolve in liquids like water and saliva.
27. When it comes to women’s swimwear, sometimes the one piece suits have interesting areas for the breasts.
Now I can see why the straps are essential on this one. However, I’m sure it doesn’t really deter the potential for a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously, I’m not sure if any woman can wear that.
28. Now this swimsuit is guaranteed to make any woman look like a badass.
By that, I mean as if she had been wearing it while escaping from some gigantic monster in the jungle that part of it was torn while she was caught in a much of thorns. Yeah, she looks totally ripped, but I don’t mean in the usual context.
29. Think your swimsuit is missing something? Just add more fabric.
I’m sure what she has on underneath isn’t much better. But still, I think the upper part kind of weighs her neck down. Also, I’m sure it takes a long time to get into.
30. Though conventional women’s swimsuit culture always states that less is more, this isn’t always the case.
“Well, we put them in the laundry and somehow they seemed to shrink for some reason.” Still, a string bikini should cover your entire vaginal region, not just part of your pubic area. Seriously, that’s disgustingly vulgar. And for heaven’s sake, think of the children who have to see this.
31. Now this is the kind of swimsuit that begs the question, “How are her boobs covered in this?”
Now being apparent that she only covers her boobs with her long flowing hair, I’m sure that no woman should wear this swimsuit. Seriously, I think you’d be arrested for indecent exposure if you ever dare wear it in public.
32. A swimsuit like this can turn any woman into a bonafide action heroine with sex appeal.
I swear this is the kind of get up that says, “Yes, I’m a badass sexy fighter, but I still need the white male hero to rescue me so we can make sweet love in the end. And I don’t care if he’s old enough to be my dad or looks like Paul Giamatti.”
33. Seems all this woman is made of is just skin and bone.
Oh, my mistake, it’s just that her swimsuit depicts a skeleton. But still, one piece or not, it’s kind of disturbing.
34. Of course, you can’t attract all the guys on the beach without a one piece of faux black leather.
Recommended for dominatrixes and doubles as a BDSM gimp suit. Cat o’nine tails not included. Guaranteed to make you look like a goddess in the pool party or the sex dungeon any day.
35. Sure she can be all skin and bone. But inside she’s all muscle.
Yeah, I’m sure we all want to see your muscles like that. Seriously, lady, get some skin on for a change. At least a naked body doesn’t look that disturbing.
36. Thought regular speedos were bad? Wait until you see one on a guy’s shoulders.
Of course, we all remember this moment from Borat but Sacha Baron Cohen could pull this off better than a lot of men. With a man less fit than he is, you’d be much more obliged to turn away.
37. Need to fancy your swimsuit up a bit? Add a nice big bow.
I don’t know about you but something tells me that putting a big white bow on a swimsuit kind of makes it look stupid. Ditto with the green straps, too.
38. Of course, when I said that swimsuit bottoms should be similar to underwear, I’m sure multicolored tidy whities doesn’t come to mind.
Now these don’t just look like any pair of tidy whities, but ones you’d see on a young boy. Yeah, not something a grown man should wear at the beach, or anyone else.
39. Now this overstrapped bikini is well suited for the beach, swimming, karate, and combat.
Rumor has it that this was the original costume design for Leeloo in The Fifth Element. It was rejected for a more practical design as Milla Jovovich got tangled when getting in and out of it. So it was marketed as a swimsuit instead.
40. Don’t have a swimsuit? Crotchet one.
Hmm….now while crotcheting your swimsuit may seem like a good idea, remember that most old fashioned swimsuits were made from wool. And I’m sure that’s not a viable swimsuit material. Just saying.
41. Though she managed to find a suitable bikini bottom, I’m not so sure about the top.
This is known as a triangle bikini and it’s crocheted. Still, while the bottom is fine, I don’t think the top part adequately covers her nipples. Seriously, I can totally see them. Might be suitable for porn but not on the beach.
42. In Japan, men’s swimsuits tend to be designed in ways you’d never think possible.
While this swimsuit adequately covers a man’s junk, it has the unfortunate side effect of inducing a massive wedgie. Seems like someone is trying to justify their job’s existence.
43. While the male speedo may remind you of Channing Tatum from Magic Mike, this one reminds you of Channing Tatum from Foxcatcher.
Yep, that swimsuit definitely reminds me of a high school or Olympic wrestling uniform. And let me say, while Foxcatcher is way better than Magic Mike, I’m sure most fangirls would more likely flock to theaters to see male strippers than Olympic wrestlers and deranged, homicidal billionaires.
44. Of course, when getting a new swimsuit, some people tend to see themselves as better looking than they actually are. Others tend to buy swimsuits that wouldn’t look good on a model in the first place.
Yes, I think this one can leave room for a wardrobe malfunction in the nether regions. But while donning a conventional bikini would not put her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, it would’ve been at least a more modest choice.
45. We all know that Armani specializes in men’s suits. But did you know that they also design swimsuits as well?
Now I’m sure this one piece is best suited for those formal black tie pool party affairs, if they even exist. Even if they did, I wouldn’t be caught dead in that.
46. If you ever thought there was nothing in swimwear ever worse than a speedo or a thong bikini, just wait until you see this guy.
Now this is basically a combination of the speedo and the swim thong. And it’s not pretty. Seriously, I can’t even think of any reason why a guy should wear this.
47. Hmm….swimsuit or gym leotard? You pick.
Of course, this might be a good swimsuit if you’re in the Polar Bear Club, but still. Nevertheless, I’m not sure long sleeves belong on a swimsuit. I’m just saying since most people wear them during the summer.
48. “Help, help! Somebody’s groping that woman’s breasts!”
Oh, wait, that’s her swimsuit top that resembles hands on her breasts. Also, the guy’s wearing a necklace with pot leaves on it. Explains a lot about the woman’s swimsuit is picture and the fact that both of them are totally high.
49. In the 1800s, men’s swimsuits had to cover his entire body from neck to toe and tend to resemble something like pajamas in the modern day sense.
They were also made from wool like the ladies’ and were just as impractical. But if you were a man in the 1880s and dared to go topless, you could be arrested for indecent exposure. So too bad.
50. Hmmm….though it’s supposed to be a man’s swimsuit, I’m confused on whether it’s meant for swimming or semi-nude rock climbing.
It’s said to be sexy in the picture but I’m just not buying it. In fact, I think it resembles more like a harness than any swimsuit I ever saw. Also induces wedgies.
52. When it comes to mesh swimsuits, there are always limits in transparency to consider.
Of course, this person thought a mesh swimsuit should show as much of the body as possible. While the bottom is covered all right, I’m not sure about the top in which the nipple areas are covered with stars.
52. Swimsuit or get up for action movie sex object?
Whenever I look at this one piece, there’s always a question I beg to ask like, “Does it have a back?” Seriously, her ass needs to be covered, too, and not just by a G-string.
53. With this swimsuit, you’d swear this was made to elicit fanservice in lederhosen during the 1970s.
Now let’s just say, less would definitely be more with this one. Sure it may not really look like lederhosen, it’s just the word’s pretty funny. Still, either way, the paisley bottom has got to go.
54. Don’t have a swimsuit? Well, make one from a plastic bag. That will solve everything.
Of course, he’ll always have to wear underwear if he plans to actually go to the beach in that. Still, I think it would make more sense if he just buys a pair of trunks at the store. Seriously, wearing a plastic bag makes you look like an idiot. Besides, plastic bags rip apart easily.
55. Boobs too big for the top on your two piece? Cut some holes and air them out.
I think the bikini tops shouldn’t have holes in them. Maybe that’s just me. Seriously, why would anyone want to wear something like this?
56. Now I think this idea for a swimsuit consisted of, “So instead of a speedo, how about we make sure that the guy’s genitals are covered and supported by one hip instead of two?”
As if you didn’t know if men’s swimsuits can get worse than the speedo. Think again. Seriously, why in the hell would any guy wear this?
57. For the fan of Superman, go to the beach in some super trunks.
Sure they may be made for adults, but I can’t help thinking that these are better suited for a seven-year-old. I’m not sure why. Oh, wait, they kind of resemble what you’d see on little boys’ underwear.
58. Shimmer in this bathing suit as you venture out for your pool party.
Sure she might shimmer in that bathing suit, but can she actually swim in it? Actually I don’t think she could. Also, remind me of some scantily clad villainous queen in a sci fi movie.
59. Sometimes in string bikinis, the strings are attached where they should and should not be.
Now looking at this, she looks as if she’s wearing a swimsuit as well as some form of figure control or action outfit. Still, this swimsuit can do without a few strings to say the least.
60. Introducing: The ta-ta top.
Man, I’d sure like to see when the police arrest her for indecent exposure. She’ll certainly have an interesting conversation. Talk about a big misunderstanding.
61. For a more festive look on the beach, I’m sure a fringed two piece will do you just fine.
Of course, if it was brown, I’m sure this swimsuit would make you look like you’re playing a Native American in a porn movie. Luckily, the blue color doesn’t get one called for that cultural appropriation.
62. It seems like she has to flaunt around leaving nothing to the imagination.
Now this is seriously disturbing. I mean, this lady should really get some muscle on her and skin. Nobody wants to see that, honestly. Save maybe a few necrophiles and medical students.
63. With Muslims, they have modesty swimsuits for women which are required by law in some Middle East beaches (if allowed). Still, don’t know what to think about CGI screen green.
I’m sure if you put her in a CGI green back with a green screen and you wouldn’t see much of her. Seriously, I swear many people in CGI animation wear outfits like that in Hollywood every day.
64. Nothing brings summer in than a swimsuit depicting Jaws and The Little Mermaid.
I’m sure a swimsuit like this is guaranteed to traumatized little girls as it becomes apparent that the shark is about to devour Ariel. Then again, Ariel isn’t one of my favorite Disney princesses and was kind of an idiot to exchange her voice for plastic surgery so she can be with a guy she just met.
65. Now I’m sure this idea for this swimsuit consisted of, “How about we use some weird shaped plastic pieces and the stuff you use to hang your clothes and make a two piece out of that. The girls will love it.”
Now I don’t know about you but what are the odds that this was designed by a guy who was a bit too into action movies? Seriously, it tends to look more like male eye candy than anything. Also, I wonder what it looks like in back.
66. Hmmm….wonder if this guy is wearing that for swimming or some nude athletic competition.
Yes, it looks like something Borat would wear but this outfit doesn’t resemble an overstretched speedo. Still, I’m sure a guy wouldn’t want to wear something like this for fear that he might look like a total idiot.
67. In the 1800s, it wasn’t unusual for women to frequent the beaches wearing swimsuits of long dresses and bloomers.
Yes, these are old fashioned 1800s women’s swimsuits. Not something you’d see in Sports Illustrated by any means. And of course, they weren’t practical in regards to actual swimming. But I’m sure if you show your ankles, you’d be arrested for indecent exposure.
68. You heard of ugly knitted Christmas sweaters right? Now here is an knitted ugly swimsuit for the holidays?
Now I’m sure this is available in places like Australia and New Zealand where Christmas falls during the summer. Still, I’m not sure about the unicorn and the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
69. Now this swimsuit comes with plenty of adjustable straps for your comfort and convenience.
Now I’m sure this swimsuit was totally not designed for fetish fuel (sarcasm). Still, adjustable straps or not, this model wouldn’t look good if we added a little flab, a few stretch marks, and perhaps 10 more pounds.
70. I’m sure wearing a bikini like that, the boys will certainly go nutty for her.
However, I’m sure she might want to watch out for critters, particularly squirrels who might find her acorn breasts tasty despite not being ripe. Yeah, I’m sure she’d want to stay away from the forest and the oak trees.
71. Introducing the Mr. Nice Guy swimsuit.
Now the reason why we call him Mr. Nice Guy is that he’s very chill when he’s high on pot and tripping balls. Still, like the tie dye. But I’m not sure if this is appropriate swimwear in most states other than in Washington and Colorado.
72. Now this is what a swimsuit needs, bright colors and diamond shapes.
Now the colors consist of hot pink, reddish orange, and PennDOT yellow. Still, can’t help but think that this seems what a young woman would wear in an action movie, particularly if it was with James Bond.
73. If it weren’t for the hot pink, I’d be sure it was in some Native American style.
Now I wonder if this is a form of cultural appropriation due to the presence of seemingly Native American jewelry. Then again, I’m sure Victoria’s Secret tends to offend everybody. Also, I’m sure the pink get up is fetish fuel for sure.
74. Nothing makes it fun in the sun like a swimsuit made from body paints.
For those thinking about having a body paint swimsuit, my advice to you: don’t. Seriously, do you know why she has her hand between her legs. And I’m sure she’s a model so she could get away with it while most people would get arrested.
75. For those yearning for childhood videogame nostalgia, this Nintendo Game Boy one piece is for you.
Hmm…let’s home the guys don’t try to push her buttons too much, especially on her butt. Still, I wonder why a woman would want to subject herself to this. Then again, to each her own.
76. When it comes to swimsuits, some people want them to be clear and blue like the ocean.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sure this was made from some kind of sheet that’s supposed to wrap around her. Also, I’m not sure about the bottoms being cut around the middle. Still, makes her look like a comic book super heroine like Storm’s mutant sister Tsunami (whom I made up at the spur of the moment).
77. In speedos, some are harder to get in than others. Luckily, this one has a zipper in front.
I’m sure the zipper really helps keep the junk under wrap, as long as it’s totally zipped. Still, there’s a reason why we have buttons on top of jeans. And I’m sure this one has, “standard male grab area” written all over it.
78. I call this one the State Auto swimsuit since it has minimum coverage for minimum budgets.
However, sometimes on the beach I’m sure that minimum coverage won’t do, especially when you’re putting yourself at risk for a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously, do people have any decency when it comes to swimsuits? As far as beaches and pools go, you want to play it safe with the swimsuits.
79. For Star Wars fans, say hello to this R2 D2 one piece get up for pool parties a long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away…..
Okay, now when R2 D2 tends to save everyone’s ass in the Star Wars movies, I don’t think viewing R2 D2 as sexy is a good idea. Still, I’m sure the geeks will love it.
80. Now this 77 two piece is sure to bring you into the team spirit.
Hate to say this, but I’m not sure whether this is a swimsuit or a powderpuff football sex costume. Either way, you can bet that some teenage girl’s father is certainly not going to let her wear that. And not for religious reasons either.