As we all know, weddings are said to be one of the happiest times of a person’s life, especially if you’re a woman who’s dreamed of her fairy tale wedding as a little girl. Now I haven’t walked down the aisle myself, but I understand that it’s an occasion most people want to remember fondly and the main reason why they hire wedding photographers and video guys for these gigs. Of course, my grandparents married for 58 years didn’t have the video guys to record their wedding but my parents married for 28 come June did and the last time they saw their wedding video, they couldn’t believe how many people in it were dead. Still, most people want the occasion to be special as well as documented in a certain way like perfect and romantic. Typical wedding portraits may have a couple very much in love as well as possibly surrounded by friends and family. Now I can go on and on about the great wedding photos of our time but you’d probably be bored to tears wish. So instead, I’ll introduce you to photos that either depict wedding mishaps or things bound to go wrong or possibly make you scratch your heads asking what were they thinking? This would especially be the case when I show you pictures from Russia and believe me there’s a lot of them. Some of them may not be safe for work, by the way. So without further adieu, here are some great disastrous wedding photos too terrible to miss.
1. Universal Pictures presents Attack of the 50 Foot Groom!
Let me guess, when the groom snatches up his bride, they’ll probably be headed to their honeymoon in New York City. And I’m sure they’ll be on top of the Empire State Building before the airplanes shoot him down to the ground. Yes, it’ll be the beauty that killed the beast.
2. “Oh, Svelenta, you shouldn’t have. Boris and I will love it,” said Grushenka with her teeth clattering.
I’m sure this dildo tends to receive an award for the “Most Awkward Wedding Present.” Seriously, would giving Boris and Grushenka a toaster or veggie dip dish would be that bad?
3. Ladies and gentlemen, time for the Chicken Dance!
Okay, as much as I think the Chicken Dance is a lame ass song to do a dumb dance to, this is not what I had in mind. Then again, it’s from Russia where they do silly photo ops like having chickens dancing.
4. In Russia, it’s customary for the bride to stick bread in the groom’s mouth near a tree.
Okay, I’m not sure how the bread passes through the groom’s head to the tree. Oh, yes, I do photoshop. And a very bad job at it.
5. In Russia, they seem to take the words, “till death do us part” very seriously.
Seriously, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Do you want to blow your whole future away through a game of Russian roulette? Besides, guns have absolutely no place in weddings at all, even in westerns.
6. Seems like someone woke up with cold feet this morning.
I’m sure this is a joke. But as I can tell by the bridegroom’s soles, I don’t have much hope for the two of them. Then again, he may be saved by a Scotsman on a horse at the last minute.
7. Theirs was a love that nothing could come between them, save maybe the occasional alpaca.
This would’ve been perfect if the groom in question was Napoleon Dynamite. Still, the llama’s presence really kills the mood here. Perhaps getting married at a llama farm isn’t a good idea.
8. Sure it might be romantic to take a photo op near a beautiful national monument or church. Just don’t mind the beat up homeless guy.
Of course, in Russia the presence of a homeless guy could mean the seriousness and hard work of marriage. Or perhaps a reminder of what would happen to the husband if he drinks too much vodka. Then again, Russia isn’t a happy place.
9. Of course, you can always have your photo taken on a picturesque landscape, perhaps in the American West.
I don’t know what that chair is doing here but I’m sure it doesn’t go well with the scenery. Then again, they could’ve had the photo taken at a studio and the whole desert thing is a backdrop.
10. Someone doesn’t seem too happy about the happy couple.
Now I don’t know about you but the guy in the background just seems so evil in his beard and turban, as if he wants revenge on his brother for stealing the woman he loves. Then again, maybe I should cut back on certain kinds of movies. I don’t want to stereotype here.
11. Seems like this guy has found the perfect match.
Sure she may not be much to look at. But I can see the resemblance even though they tend to put on a straight face during the festivities.
12. Wedding in Aisle 3! May I repeat, wedding in Aisle 3!
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having your wedding in a supermarket is a good idea. I mean, obviously unromantic aesthetics aside, it’s always crowded with people scrambling for the best deal.
13. “I know pronounce you centaur and centauress. You may kiss the bride.”
Now a beach scene is a romantic backdrop. However, having the married couple photoshopped as centaurs? Seriously, that’s insane! Guess, they’ll soon be horsing around.
14. “Good luck on your honeymoon, kids, and don’t forget to write.”
Seems somebody here is suffering from separation anxiety and I don’t think it’s the bride or groom. Still, I know parents have mixed feelings about seeing their kids get married. But still, it doesn’t help that this mom is watching the newlyweds make out.
15. Take a look at this guy’s bridal carry.
Yeah, lifting the bride flat on her back wasn’t much of a challenge to him. He had to literally sweep her and then grab her from her feet. And also but a lot guys’ self-esteems out the window.
16. Sometimes appearances can be deceiving, so look closely if you’re making assumptions.
Maybe Larry shouldn’t have taken off his jacket before posing like this. Seems like the dress is coming out from Marcia’s ass.
17. Apparently, to these women, Mrs. Claus is a fashion icon.
So glad I didn’t live in the 1950s. Sure I may love purple but the bridesmaids’ outfits seem too grannyish and Christmasy for some reason. The dresses would’ve been more appropriate for caroling. I reckon the men in this wedding are all either wearing red Santa suits or elf outfits.
18. Seems like some bride is being taken into custody by the Love police.
I’m sure this was done by a couple because the bridegroom is a cop. Nevertheless, this bride doe have the right to remain single. Wedding song is possibly, “Stop in the name of love, before you break my heart….”
19. “Harry, do you always have to get a call? Why couldn’t you just leave your phone off this one day for Christ’s sake? It’s not like your granny’s dying in the hospital.”
If that guy were my husband, I would feel like smacking him with the bouquet, too. Seriously, there are some major events in life where cell phone interruptions shouldn’t happen, save maybe the exception of having a clinically ill or dying relative in the hospital. Weddings should be among these events. Still, I wonder if he’ll be answering his cell phone while he’s witnessing the birth of their child, if he’s even there. Or perhaps his kid’s high school graduation.
20. Sorry, buddy, but I think your bride has already succumbed to the Dark Side of the Force.
Maybe if the guy brought his lady love flowers, chocolate, and jewelry, this whole thing would’ve been prevented. Still, didn’t know that Darth Vader was quite a ladies’ man. Must be the cape.
21. Nothing exemplifies the marital spirit than being married at the church in a cow costume.
Seriously, I don’t think a cow costume is proper wedding attire for a groom. Still, I’m sure the missus will udderly milk him for all it’s worth.
22. This bridegroom is so strong that he can lift an entire car with is bare hands.
Yes, Mother Russia certainly makes him strong. Still, unless he’s built like King Kong, he probably won’t be able to lift a Fiat in real life. So yes, this all the magic of photoshop.
23. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you mullet and wife.”
Glad I didn’t live in the 1980s either. Still, I’m so happy that my dad was never a big enough fan of hair bands or trashy country that he’d actually get a mullet. Yes, mullets are simply horror beyond imagination.
24. “Now where’s the bride side? Oops!” “Yeouch! Dad, can’t you just not trip on my veil for God’s sake?”
I’m sure this mishap happens a lot at weddings. Hope the bride ‘s scalp is all right. Still pretty funny.
25. Marriage is about two people looking together in the same direction.
I’m sure this guy in the background just wanted a place to relieve himself and couldn’t find any better restroom accommodations than a stinky outhouse. Still, while men have needs, it sort of really kills the romantic mood.
26. Guess this wedding theme is “Wasted Away Again in Margaritaville” with the reception entree being “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”
I’m sorry but when I see a guy in such an elaborate wedding outfit, I’m bound to make a joke about Jimmy Buffet’s Parrothead fans now and then. Also, the pants are quite hideous, too.
27. His hands spell, “FEAR.”
Hmmm….let’s hope his hands don’t reflect his commitment anxiety, shall we? Because if it does, then there may be a problem.
28. Hey, I didn’t know you can get your marriage license at the same place you can put away your crazy uncle.
Now do you think it’s a great idea to have your Marriage License Bureau near the Mental Health Department. Must have a lot of interesting stuff going on at that courthouse.
29. “Now that I’m married to the family, I’ll now make plans to kill whoever stands in my way of the family fortune. Mwa ha, ha, ha, ha.”
Let’s hope he’s a nice guy and doing it for love. Nevertheless, the guy’s face gives me the impression that he ‘s an evil fortune hunting psycho with murder on the mind.
30. Hmmm….seems like the best man should know where his hands don’t belong.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sure that only the groom should be allowed to have his hands on the bride’s thighs. Let’s just hope the best man had too much to drink at the bachelor party, shall we? If not, this can get a bit awkward.
31. They wanted a horse and buggy but this was the only thing they could get with their budget.
Now the pony is quite cute I have to admit. However, seeing an old guy in short shorts, not so much.
32. May your marriage bring new life into the world around you.
Cemeteries are supposed to be nice public parks where you visit your deceased loved ones. So posing for wedding photos there would make sense. However, make sure you’re in a place where there’s not a bunch of graves in view. That could have some crazy implications.
33. Of course, when you got to go, you got to go. And we all should be aware that little boys have very small bladders.
Well, at least he didn’t go on that woman’s skirt. But I wonder if anyone in this photo seems to notice other than the person taking the picture.
34. While uncorked champagne is supposed to flow with bubbles, sometimes it tends to explode and shoot up like Old Faithful.
Seems like this groom more likely expected to have champagne in his glass instead of all over his hands. I guess he’s asking, “Son a bitch! How the fuck do you stop this thing?”
35. At a lot receptions, bouquet catching is a combat sport.
Because like any variety of sport, bouquet catching brings you the drama of athletic competition from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat. Seriously, it’s just a stupid bouquet, nothing to get all worked up about. Besides, the little girl is too young for the bouquet catching anyway. But she could be just practicing.
36. Hope they’re not serving pork or BBQ ribs at this reception or else Chris P. Bacon may go on a murderous rampage.
Then again, perhaps we should hope for the best, such as the notion that these people are Jewish. Thus, in that case, at least everything will be kosher.
37, Hey, the groom is supposed to cut the cake, not the bride!
Of course, this is probably a joke. Then again, the guy seems to really enjoy holding the knife, perhaps a little too much. I’d look out for him if I were you.
38. In the 1970s, white tuxedos for grooms were all the rage.
At this point, Jerry was at a critical crossroads in his life in which he had the choice between his dead end job as a bartender at a disco club or working in porn.
39. In Russia, you can get a ride on a giant swan on your wedding day.
I’m sure this is photoshopped. If not, then it could be fair to say that this is a radioactive swan from Chernoblyl. Yeah, a lot of strange stuff going on there.
40. To save funds, Lindsey decided that she and her bridal party would make their dresses from a bunch of torn curtains.
Well, on the bright side, at least they could save money on the flowers. Still, these patterns are far out, man. Yeah, maybe floral patterns aren’t great for bridesmaid dresses.
41. He’s got his whole wife in his hands.
And the little woman doesn’t seem too happy about it. Bet this is the wedding picture from the photo album of the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. How they manage to have an active sex life, I’ll never know.
42. A wedding photo at the aquarium seems like a magical idea. What can possibly go wrong with that?
I think the two of them found the perfectly wrong place to kiss for a wedding picture. Really, near the shark tank? That’s not romantic. Also seems like she’s kissing the shark.
43. Nothing makes a happy Russian wedding than playing your accordion and trumpet near a statue of Vladimir Lenin.
As to what connection Vladimir Lenin is to Russian weddings, accordions, and trumpets is beyond me. Seriously, Lenin was a Bolshevik revolutionary who turned Imperial Russia into the USSR while weddings are basically a whole capitalist industry targeted to the bourgeoisie.
44. “Oh, my God, get a room, people!”
Someone doesn’t seem to tolerate excessive public displays of affection, even at weddings. Perhaps they need to save the nasty stuff for the honeymoon.
45. Of course, when it comes to wedding photos, hand placement is everything.
Now this is a way to embarrass your kids on their special day. Seriously, why can’t the parents just save that touching for the bedroom, where it belongs?
46. Now this bridegroom is so happy that he just can’t keep his hands off her.
Yeah, boy, you can touch your wife’s breast later. But for now as long as they appear in public, the boobies are off limits.
47. The girl who catches the bouquet is said to be the next to get married. The girl who catches the cat is said to remain perpetually single for the rest of her life.
Either way, the ladies seem to be just as excited for some reason. Still, I really feel for the girl who gets the cat. She’ll probably have a bad case of literal cat scratch fever (but fortunately, not the type Ted Nugent sings about).
48. “John, why didn’t you tell me about you and Larry?”
I don’t know about you, but I think that this bridegroom has some explaining to do. Well, if it is what I think it is, at least she now knows what she may be getting into. Then again, he might go both ways.
49. Though it’s always in sickness and in health, the couple who works out together, stays together.
Now I know that exercise is important to a healthy lifestyle. But really, working out in your wedding clothes? That’s not very practical.
50. For their wedding Jason and Becca decided to go for a real ring bearer.
Four year old boys to carry rings? Gah! They have a black bear. Of course, having a black bear carry jewelry down the aisle does run the risk of having some of the guests eaten alive during the ceremony. Also, most churches don’t allow pets, let alone wild animals for God’s sake. Okay, maybe 4 year old ring bearers aren’t such a bad idea.
51. Nothing makes a bride happier than her cigarette and machine gun.
If her husband were smart, he’d be sure to keep it in his pants. Because let’s just say, I wouldn’t mess with a bride holding a weapon as we’ve all learned from Kill Bill.
52. Grab your pitchforks, sticks, and cameras, for there’s a wedding on the midst.
For one, I have no idea why a scene like this is even necessary. Second, I don’t know why the pig is in this. Seriously, why?
53. With this Russian couple, it’s till death or murder do they part.
Nevertheless, I think the groom has the short end of the stick in this since he has a little dagger. The bride on the other hand, has a military grade gun with a silencer. So I think he better be nice to his wife from now on.
54. Seems like Tanya has caught herself a husband.
Now I’m sure this is a joke given that the Russians have a sick sense of humor. But abduction is a terrible way to find love and even if you are successful, the other person is bound to hate you. Still, love the guy being tied and blindfolded in the car who seems to squirm their way to the chapel.
55. “Honey, I’m beginning to think we shouldn’t have booked our wedding at Jurassic Park.”
So remember, kids, dinosaurs may be awesome in their own right and it’s perfectly fine to like them. But please, when you get married, don’t book your wedding at Jurassic Park for you don’t want to spend your wedding night in a stomach of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
56. “I’ll just make it look like an accident like an auto erotic asphyxiation mishap. No one will ever know.”
Vladimir should’ve known that Valentina was a notorious strangling Black Widow and only married him for the money. But he seemed to enjoy the strangling way too much to care.
57. Ah, weddings, great times for couples of all kinds. And it seems like the dogs are taking to each other, too.
Yes, two dogs humping each other can really ruin an idyllic, fairy tale wedding photo. And they really don’t give a shit if you have to see it. Really, they have no conception of privacy. Of course, this is a probably a great time for these two to ask each other whether their pets have been spayed or neutered.
58. This wedding was brought to you by the penguins of Madagascar.
As to what the hell the penguins of Madagascar have with weddings, I have no idea. But apparently, the Russians might have the answer, somewhat. Still, probably would’ve been a conventional wedding photo without the magic of photoshop.
59. “Ivan, it’s lovely, but will it fit in our living room?”
I’m sure photoshop had something to do with putting the limo in there. Or else, the building would’ve been totally obliterated. Still, don’t ask me why this couple thought it was a good idea.
60. “Help, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!”
When the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man crashes and wreaks havoc at your wedding, who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!
61. Just give him a few minutes and close the door, lady.
I’m not sure why they opted for an outhouse scene. But when a guy’s gotta go, he’s gotta go. Also, even if he has a wide stance, he should still shut the damn door while he’s doing his business.
62. There she goes, going where no bride has gone before.
Okay, there’s no way in hell that I could take this picture seriously. I mean the bride basically has rocket thrusters on her dress. This is just crazy.
63. Seems like the drones and planes came in just in time for the reception. Now the rampaging T-Rex is under control.
Seriously, what’s the deal with dinosaurs and explosions in wedding photos? Still, the moral of this is probably don’t book your wedding at Jurassic Park, even during during the winter.
64. “So, Stanislav, you want to marry my daughter? Let’s check your portfolio.”
I suppose this is the Russian version of Meet the Parents. And no, I don’t think it’s a comedy. Also, the older man kind of looks like Vladimir Putin which is even more disturbing.
65. Nothing says, “honeymoon” like riding the waves on an amphibious vehicle.
For one, I’m sure the car is not amphibious. Second, I’m sure a tidal wave will ruin it along with the flowers and the couple’s clothes. Third, I’m very sure this is photoshop. Nevertheless, don’t me why these two thought a photo like this was a good idea.
66. In Texas, it’s sometimes the custom to have the bride and groom ride on a mechanical bull.
Of course, they better ride it easy, especially if they plan to have any children. Because such activities may “hurt his chances of being a daddy,” as my dad would always say.
67. Some couples tend to have their wedding photos modeled after famous paintings. Wonder what can go wrong with that?
Ophelia, seriously? There’s nothing romantic about that. I mean in Hamlet she’s basically a smitten teenage girl who’s in love with a guy who may or may not care too shits about her, goes mad, and drowns herself in the river. Maybe stick to Romeo and Juliet or Othello. Oh, wait.
68. Seems like the Russian mob caught up to them before they ever made it to the reception.
Seriously, what the hell? Not many newly married couples make out in trunks for God’s sake. And what’s that flower girl doing here overlooking the scene?
69. Nothing makes a wedding better than a shark with a badass swordsman rising out of a lake.
Okay, if I were there during a wedding reception, I’d be freaking out and soaking my pants, possibly shitting them. I mean it’s not normal. But none of them seem very upset or fleeing for their lives. In fact, they seem rather in awe.
70. “Let’s play a game like dueling pistols or Russian roulette.”
Sure she may be a blushing bride. But having her smile as she points a gun to her head, well, I have to wonder about her state of mind. I mean does she have a death wish or something worse.
71. While Jesus Christ was said to walk on water, this bride manages to run via a motor in her dress.
This was made possible by the magic of photoshop, which explains why she’s not soak and wet by now. Also, explains leaving a stream of water akin to a motorboat.
72. “Have to be home by midnight, so here’s my glass slipper if you want to find me.”
Is it just me or is this basically the skankiest rendition of Cinderella I’ve ever seen? Seriously, the lights seem like they’re from a rave and the bride seems to be dressed like a streetwalker. But at least the pumpkin coach is equipped with a state-of-the-art sound system.
73. Nothing makes your wedding more of a blast than making a photo a scene from Transformers.
If I saw a wedding photo like this at someone’s house, I’d question their taste in either wedding photography or movies. Seriously, it would’ve been fine the way it was without the photoshop. I mean why?
74. When you find your angel, always have her weighed down with a lock and chain so she doesn’t escape from your clutches.
Now I’m sure a golden lock like that will certainly do the trick. Actually I’m being sarcastic. Still, the wings look fake. Like photoshopped fake.
75. “Looking for your handsome prince. Too bad, I’ve already shot him and have him in my pocket. So you must marry me now.”
Then again, to be fair, the frog from the Frog Prince story was actually kind of a jerk who thought that the princess owed him sex just because he did something nice for her. Maybe she should settle for the archer instead.
76. To save his true love from the evil dragon and other beasts, Dimitri comes to the rescue with his rope, sword, shield, and military grade weapons.
At least this guy thinks of everything, even the roses. Still, seems like someone’s a bit too into either video games, BDSM, D&D, or all three.
77. “Shit, this fucking Everlast chastity belt is a fucking pain to get off!”
I’m not sure if that’s actually a chastity belt (which it probably isn’t nor would I encourage anyone to wear one), but it makes a great caption. Nevertheless, you should be careful with power tools, just saying.
78. Sorry, lady, but nobody’s safe from the winged groom who will take you to his secret lair.
Apparently, Russians seem to find this quite funny. However, I think the concept of abduction is love is disturbing and think it’s hysterical because of bad photoshop.
79. Here’s a portrait of a beautiful bride. Wonder what can go wrong with that.
Unfortunately, the photographer forgot to take note of the outhouse in the background. Really doesn’t make for a touching photo does it? I mean outhouses are simply disgusting chambers of stink and waste you can’t flush down.
80. If you’re tired of too many takes in a wedding photo, it doesn’t hurt putting a cardboard cutout of yourself in your place.
Uh, yeah, it does. Seriously, the flatness is very noticeable. Besides, not all of us have a cutout version of ourselves anyway. Because it’s kind of crazy.