A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “As the Money Comes Rolling In”

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Since he feels that he has the Baudelaires in his clutches, Count Olaf feels that their fortune will soon be his. And what does he plan to do with it? Well, buy a brand new shiny luxury car with a powerful engine for going over the speed limit and an extra-thick bumper to prevent scratching whenever he rams into other cars. He plans to name the car after himself so when he squeals the brakes, people will say “Here comes Count Olaf!” He then directs the children to head for the nearest luxury car dealership. But the Baudelaires know that he’s delusional at this point. Though he does call the kids his henchmen, they didn’t have much choice to come with him. And threaten them with the Medusoid Mycelium helmet.

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The song I chose for this is “And the Money Kept Rolling In (and Out)” from Evita which describes Eva Peron’s philanthropy to increase her reputation and get a little on the side (as far as this musical depicts). In this version, I have Count Olaf imagine what he intends to do with the Baudelaire fortune which will have nothing to do with giving to charity whatsoever. Since Olaf cares for nobody but himself, though he does talk about putting the money in a Swiss bank account to avoid taxes and arrest.

 

“As the Money Comes Rolling In”

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
As the money comes rolling in from every side
While my dirty hands reach out and they reach wide
Now you may feel I should give it to some voluntary cause
Ah, but that’s not the point, you brats

When the money comes rolling in, you don’t ask how
Think of how Count Olaf gonna see some good times now
Once I have your family fortune, you will be no more
Never been a fund like the fortune of the Baudelaires

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

Count Olaf:
Set a course towards a near luxury dealership
Got to get myself a new shiny car with a bumper extra thick
Your vast family fortune can make my dreams come true
Though I must kill you, you brats

Got to have a powerful engine so I can drive past the legal limit
Would like to ram it into people without getting a scratch in it
Will name the car after myself, in case you want to know
When they hear my breaks squeal, they’ll say, “There goes Count Olaf!”

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

Count Olaf:
As the money comes rolling in from all directions
From the dead, from the old, from the rich orphans of all complexions
Now cynics claim too much of the cash has gone astray
Ah, but that’s not the point, you brats

When the money comes rolling in, you don’t keep books
You can tell you’ve done well by how nice your mansion looks
Accountants only slow things down, figures get in the way
Never will be a man so stinking rich as Count Olaf!

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

Violet:
Oh, God!

Count Olaf:
When the money comes rolling in, what’s a man to do?
Got to hide all that cash away from the taxman – wouldn’t you?
But where on Earth and people hide their little piece of Heaven?
Thank God for Switzerland!

Where a man has grabbed a lot of petty cash from fortunes
Can be sure, when he deposits, no one’s seen them
Oh, what bliss to sign your checks as three-oh-one-two-seven!
Never been accounts in the name of Count Olaf!

Violet and Klaus:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!

Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in
Rolling on in, rolling on in, rolling on in, on in!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “The Actor Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)”

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In the last book, The End, the Baudelaires are trapped on a boat departing from the burning Hotel Denouement into the sea. And they’re accompanied by a man they have spent the whole series fleeing as he’s been after their fortune and their lives. You know, Count Olaf. You can imagine the misery on these kids. It doesn’t help that Olaf has been sitting around giving orders as well as renaming the boat after himself which was previously called The Carmelita. Also, they have nothing to eat but beans. However, Count Olaf has been celebrating his triumph over the Baudelaires, Hotel Denouement, and V.F.D.

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Nevertheless, I couldn’t think of a better song for the start than Evita’s “The Actress Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)” where Evita basically says she’s not going to conform to the expectations Argentina’s aristocracy pressures her, especially since they don’t even like her. She even says that everything she does will be justified by her foundation despite the song heavily implying how selfish she might be (in real life, she may not have been like that at all). However, in this version, I have Count Olaf emphasize how he doesn’t really care what the Baudelaires think of him or anyone else.

 

“The Actor Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)”

Violet:
Is this how our story ends?
Only an actor would pretend
He’s triumphed while we’re out to sea
Celebrating while we’re eating beans
My how our lot begins to turn
When will the evil man ever learn?
My how our lot begins to turn
When will the evil man ever learn?

Count Olaf:
This famed actor hasn’t learned the lines you’d like to hear
He won’t go scrambling over the backs of the poor to be accepted
By making donations just large enough to the correct charity
He’ll just take your fortune and buy himself a new car fast and shiny
Which I’ll just name after me
And it’ll be a car unsafe at any speed

The actor hasn’t the lines you’d like to hear
He won’t join your clubs, he won’t dance in your halls
He won’t help the hungry once a month at your tombolas
He’ll simply take control as you disappear

Klaus:
Forgive my intrusion, but fine as those sentiments sound
We’re stuck with you at sea, we’re working this boat around
I hate to sound childish, ungrateful, I don’t like to moan
But do you now represent anyone’s cause but your own?

Count Olaf:
Why don’t you shut up and keep rowing like my good henchmen?