When Count Olaf and his troupe reach the Caligari Carnival, the Baudelaires get out his trunk with Violet’s handy lock picking. But since they found themselves at what appears to be an abandoned carnival in the middle of nowhere, they’re not sure what to do next. There are tents and a roller coaster, but nothing seems used much. They know Olaf will be back any minute and will probably be pleased to see them in his trunk. They can’t call the police since everyone thinks they’re killers (though they’re not). Violet tries to call Mr. Poe but the operator hangs up on her after she explains their situation. Eventually they realize they have nowhere to go. So they decide to listen in to Count Olaf and his troupe meet Madame Lulu.

Since their situation seems rather hopeless, I used Otis Redding’s “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay.” Recorded just days before his death in a plane crash, Redding wrote the lyrics while sitting in a rented houseboat in Sausalito, California. The original version is a mournful song about a guy sitting on a dock to waste his time since he has nothing better to do. In this version, I have the Baudelaires trying to figure out what to do after finding themselves at the Caligari Carnival.

“Standing in an Old Carnival”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Standing in the evening sun
We’ve found ourselves at an old carnival
Broke out Count Olaf’s trunk
We don’t want him to find us again, yeah

We’re standing in an old carnival
But we’re rather stalled, ooh
We’re just standing in an old carnival
Not sure where to go

Klaus:
We left Heimlich Hospital
Riding in Count Olaf’s trunk
Not sure what we should do here
But now calling 911 and police is bunk
But we can’t keep stand in an old carnival
Remaining rather quite stalled, ooh
We’re standing in an old carnival
Not sure where to go

Violet:
Looks like nothing’s gonna change
Nobody’s going to come our way
I can’t do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess that we’ll have to stay, listen

Standing here using the phone
And the operator hung up on me cold, listen
Out on the lam we’ve roamed
So we’ll just make this place our home, now

We’re just going to live in the old carnival
There’s nothing else to do at all, ooh
Standing in an old carnival
Guess we’ll stay

[Ends in harmonic whistling]

By the beginning of The Carnivorous Carnival, the Baudelaires are riding in the trunk of Count Olaf’s car listening to their archenemy discussing his plans with his troupe. Since they’re in the desolate Hinterlands, his henchmen are complaining how there’s nowhere to go and they’re miles away from the city. Though his cronies are happy that everyone thinks their boss is dead and the Baudelaires killed him, Count Olaf won’t be satisfied until they get the Snicket File and find those kids since he knows they survived the fire at Heimlich Hospital. Besides, there’s a fortune to be stolen. Though he needs only one of them, he and his cronies speculate which kid to spare. The Hook-Handed Man hopes it’s Sunny because he enjoyed putting her in a cage. Count Olaf hopes it’s Violet because she’s the prettiest while he’s a creep. Esme, on the other hand, doesn’t really care. But none of them know where the Baudelaires are. So they set sights to the Caligari Carnival to see Madame Lulu.

The song I decided here was “What’s the Buzz?/Strange and Mystifying” from Jesus Christ Superstar. In the original version, Jesus’s disciples are anxious to know what’s going on and when they’re going to ride into Jerusalem. While Jesus just wants them to shut up and give him some peace. In the second part, Jesus rebukes Judas for ripping on Mary Magdalene for anointing him. In this version, I have Count Olaf’s henchmen asking about what’s going on and the Hook-Handed Man ripping on Esme. Since he’s not fond of the woman on the show.

“What’s the Buzz?” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf, Esme Squalor, and his Troupe

Troupe:
What’s the buzz?
Tell me what’s a-happening. (Repeat 8 times)

Count Olaf:
Why should you want to know?
Baudelaires are all still out there
Don’t you try to think ahead?
We must find the Snicket File;
And visit Madame Lulu’s tent.

Troupe:
What’s the buzz?
Tell me what’s happening. (Repeat many times)

Count Olaf:
The public now thinks I’m murdered
And the Baudelaries killed me too.
Though I killed Jacques Snicket.

Troupe:
Long must be driving through the Hinterlands? (Repeat many times)

Count Olaf:
Why should you want to know?
Why are you are all complaining
About your travels since the fire?
We must go to find the orphans
Let’s give Madame Lulu a try.

Troupe:
What’s the buzz?
Tell me what’s happening. (Repeat many times)

Esme:
Let me try to cool down your face a bit. (Repeat 5 times)

Count Olaf:
Esme that is good,
While you prattle through your outfits,
Where and when and who and how.
She alone has tried to give me
What I need right here and now.

Troupe:
What’s the buzz?
Tell me what’s happening. (Repeat many times)

Hook-Handed Man:
It seems to me a strange thing, mystifying
That a man like you can waste his time on women of her kind.

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Hey, cool it man.

Hook-Handed Man:
Yes, I can understand that she amuses,
But to let her kiss you, stroke your hair, that’s hardly in your line.
It’s not that I object to her obsession,
But she’s more about herself than what we do or say
It doesn’t help us she’s independent.
She’ll only need to throw an ax to put our plans astray.

Count Olaf:
Who are you to criticise her?
Who are you to despise her?
Leave her, leave her, let her be now.
Leave her, leave her, she’s with me now.
She is my girlfriend, you must respect her.
Perhaps you shut up, and leave her alone.
I’m amazed that men like you can be so shallow, thick and slow
There is not someone among you who know or cares if I come or go.

All (save Count Olaf and Hook-Handed Man):
No, you’re wrong!
You’re very wrong!
No, you’re wrong!
You’re very wrong!
No, you’re wrong!
You’re very wrong!
No, you’re wrong!
You’re very wrong!
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
How can you say that?

Count Olaf:
Not one, not one of you!