The Wonderful World of Painting

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 6, 2014

The only masterpiece you will ever see in this blog post.

For centuries works of art like the firing squad painting above have always moved us and influenced our culture each in a piece’s own special way. Unfortunately The artworks I’m showing in this post do none of that but are still noteworthy in its own way for their sheer badness and their tendency to incite shits and giggles. Also, many of them may tend to make my art major sister at VCU wish she was in front of Goya’s firing squad as shown above. Still, just for the record, I’m keeping many of the artists’ names anonymous for good measure because no one wants to be recognized for art so bad it becomes unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a list of all the great artistic blunders. (I will be showing nude pictures in this since this is an art post, just so you know. And fortunately, for my sister, I’m certainly not showing anything by Thomas Kinkade for I know better than to post pictures of his disasterpieces. This is bad art you can enjoy for it’s own sake.)

1. Lucy in the Sky with Flowers

From The Museum of Bad Art: "The motion, the chair, the sway of her breast, the subtle hues of the sky, the expression on her face -- every detail combines to create this transcendent and compelling portrait, every detail cries out 'masterpiece.'"

From a Museum of Bad Art patron: “Dear Sirs,
!Bravissimo! Thank you! “Lucy” is clearly the key work in the collection. As with all great art, extended viewing reveals endless layers of mysteries: What is Norman Mailer’s head doing on an innocent grandma’s body, and are those crows or F-16’s skimming the hills?”
By the way, the late Norman Mailer was a well-known American intellectual and author who most people on the internet don’t know about so his name won’t come to mind.

For some reason this old woman with flowers kind of reminds me of Miss Finster from Recess (for those who were once kids in the 1990s). And it doesn’t help matters that she’s sitting on a chair you can barely see.

2. Mama and Babe

Undead mother and child hungry for your brains. Nice delicious brains!

The only painting that not only shows the touching bond between mother and child but also the irresistible hunger for human flesh during a zombie apocalypse.

3. Reef Garden

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea party of your nightmares.

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea musical extravaganza of your nightmares.

Inspired by someone who watched a Cirque Du Soleil show under the influence of the brown acid.

4. Inspiration

The organist must be on some serious hallucinogenic drugs to see such visions like that. Or perhaps God really works in mysterious ways.

A talented 19th century organist summons the ghost of zombie Jesus Christ and a medieval monk while playing at the Sunday service in the cathedral.

5. Think Again

From MOBA: “This disturbing work “makes an offer you can’t refuse”. The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society’s reflexive use of force, and the artist’s inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal.”
Of course, this could be a pop culture juxtaposition of Thriller meets The Godfather.

Of course, nothing says “masterpiece” than a picture of a lifelike horse’s head being held by Michael Jackson after a sex change.

6. The Contortionist

Of course, anyone with a contortionist fetish has seen more than they wanted to see. Still, this is pretty horrifying if you think about it.

An erotic image of a contortionist and her nightmarish interior skeleton.

7. Gina’s Demons

From MOBA: “Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this blonde, blue-eyed beauty in a see-through blouse. Her world is cracking apart at the edges, but her careful hairdo and makeup show us that she knows it’s important to keep up appearances.”
Also, it seems the demons tend to find Gina’s blond hair rather appetizing.

Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this well-kempt Victoria’s Secret model in her see-through nightie.

8. Chiquita

Behind the tropical fruit spokeswoman with bare breast is a hellscape reminding of impeding doom that will eventually turn her into a fossil.

Nothing like a sight of a woman adorned in fresh fruit than seeing her in the midst of a volcanic eruption.

9. Woman Riding Crustacean

Of course, this woman shouldn’t be surprised about getting crabs afterwards.

Because nothing is any more erotic than a naked woman riding atop a giant lobster.

10. An I for an Eye

There may be some symbolism involved but the crying eyes tree and naked woman trunk doesn’t much make sense to me.

Never seen before an eye tree with a trunk shaped like a naked woman possibly painted by someone on acid.

11. Dissent from the Pedestal

Lady Liberty doesn't seem to care much anymore. Hey, what's with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

Lady Liberty doesn’t seem like herself lately. Hey, what’s with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

From MOBA: “Infuriated and distraught about the state of the world, the iconic Lady of the Harbor has come down from her traditional perch, bemoaning the fact that, despite global warming, her day in the sun seems to have passed.”

12. He Was a Friend of Mine

From MOBA: “The artist is a skilled watercolorist, as is evident by his knowledgeable use of negative space to create the ghostly husky. The sparkle in the eyes of the see-through cat brings a discordant, evil glint to an otherwise soft and peaceful scene. ‘Who else thinks it’s a good idea to eat from my bowl?'”

Evil cat summons the ghostly image of husky to inflict his angry wrath upon humanity.

13. March Madness

Of course, the basketball metaphor might actually make sense. Could it be that March Madness was once an ancient pagan ritual to mark the transition from winter to spring with the vernal equinox?

From the Museum of Bad Art: “In like a lion, out like a lamb, the glorious thrill of victory and the deathlike agony of defeat are portrayed in this homage to the annual spring classic.”

14. Juggling Dog in Hula Skirt

This artwork makes no sense. Also, the dog is standing upright as if in an anthropomorphic setting. He could also be Rowlf’s hippie brother who ran off with the circus.

Because someone on acid had the artistic pointlessness to depict a bone juggling dog in a hula skirt.

15. Lobster Lady

Seriously, who’d want to keep lobsters as pets? And shouldn’t they be in the pot instead of crawling on the table?

Because nothing shows the love and togetherness like a young girl and her pet lobster.

16. Nude with the Eyes

House Speaker John Boehner, have I got a perfect woman for you.

Woman who spent too much time in a tanning salon or the spawn of one of those porn star and Oompa Loompa pairings?

17. You’ve Got to Be Kidding

Her thirst for blood is as red as her dress.

Sure she may have a cross around her neck, but her eyes say she’s out for blood.

18. Ghoulfriend

Can someone be a friend to this lonely ghoul? So he may be all bones underneath but he only goes haunting desperate for companionship.

Though he may scare the bejesus out of people, he’s really looking for a friend.

19. Sad Girl with Poodle

Never underestimate this creepy sad girl’s wrath. And what’s with the poodle?

An Oompa Loompa girl after hearing about her dad getting involved in a horrible accident at Wonka’s factory.

20. Tika, Kitty in Paradise

Of course, this may be a Persian delusion of grandeur for a Fancy Feast Gourmet Cat Food ad.

Behold, the giant Persian, all bow down to him.

21. A Tree Grows in Boston

Still, I don’t understand why this guy had a yellow head and a purple hand? Yet, he seems fixated on that tree for some reason.

Creepy androgynous person sees tree out the window with eyes matching the sky depicting absence of soul and personality.

22. Vanishing Woman

And yet another reason why nuclear power is bad. Of course, this woman got killed in that awful radiation blast that her ghost glows in the dark.

And yet another reason why nuclear power isn’t bad. Also, try to touch her and you risk exposure to radiation poisoning, which you certainly don’t want. Field could’ve also been a nuclear testing site like Los Alamos since they say she appears out west like Nevada, Arizona, or New Mexico.

Legend tells of a glowing vanishing woman who appears at night in the farm fields. It’s said she glows like that because the field was once the sight of an explosion of a nuclear power facility.

23. Play Boy Bunnies

Most horrifying Playboy Bunnies I have ever seen. They are said to have been former Playboy Playmates who became part of some mad scientist’s experiment.

More like the Ferocious Porno Bunnies from Hell if you ask me.

24. The Undefeated

Give em’ one for the Lord! Seriously, why put Jesus in a boxing ring? Still, I can understand why Islam forbids pictures of Muhammad. And there are plenty of tacky Jesus pictures I’m sure.

Nothing defines Jesus as the Prince of Peace than depicting him in an arena associated with hand to hand combat.

25. Blue Pesto

It’s said this monster’s existence is the stuff of legend wherever it’s from be it some Slavic or Muslim country or someone’s hallucinogenic drug induced imagination?

Don’t look now but it seems that this entire city was built over a blue sea monster.

26. Diaper Babies Gone Wild!

Sure they may seem like two little harmless tykes frolicking in the meadow, until you take a closer look that is. Pictures of children don’t really seem to turn out right.

Sure they may be little but they are little shit machines of doom.

27. Two Trees in Love

Of course, they could both be just settling for one another since they live in such close proximity and that there’s no one else.

Seriously, how does that work out in nature?

28. Spewing Rubik’s Cubes

Now how can this guy manage to put a Rubik’s cube into a bunch of little pieces in order to spit them all out?

From MOBA: “This image of the classic 1980s toys emanating from a jester gargoyle’s mouth can only be described as puzzling.”

29. Safe at Home

Sure he may have won the game today, but there’s a good chance he may take a permanent leave of absence after being eaten and all.

As the old town favorite scores a home run, he and the catcher are devoured by some mysterious headless monster.

30. On Vacation in Italy

Seriously, what’s with the dead houseplants in front of a beach view sunset? It’s kind of depressing.

Should more or less be called, “Forgot to Tell the Neighbors to Water My Houseplants While I’m Gone.”

For More:

The Museum of Bad Art (MOBA): http://www.museumofbadart.org/

Seattle’s Bad Art Museum of Art: http://officialbadartmuseumofart.com/

Bad Art Museum of Ohio: http://badartmuseumofohio.blogspot.com/

Museum of Particularly BAD Art: http://www.mopba.org/

Bert Christensen’s Weird, Strange, & Just Plain Bad Art: http://bertc.com/weird/index.htm

How to Survive a Film Noir

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 5, 2014

Around the 1940s and 1950s came a genre in which the lighting is low, the crime and violence are rife, and everyone is trying to use you or kill you. Oh, and the atmosphere is very pessimistic and everyone basically smokes or drinks and lives in the city. In short, you have film noir in which is part crime drama as well as thriller and emphasizes the cynical attitudes and motivations. Sometimes you even have a horror element since many villains tend to do really horrific things, but they’re mostly gangsters for hire. Still, you got plenty of dead bodies and shooting since, well, this is a pretty dark film genre and let’s just say, you’re going to need some guidance if you want to get out alive. And this is the place where I’m going to lay it you straight.

1. Keep it in your pants. (I can never stress this enough since a lot of trouble can be avoided this way. Then again, it also depends who you sleep with. Still, keeping it in your pants will not only save yourself but also the lives of those around you.)

2. If you’re a smart gentleman, stay away from gorgeous dames even if they’re your clients. (I don’t care how horny you are, if she’s out of your league, stay the hell away from her. Highly attractive women are nothing but trouble, especially if she’s married. There’s a reason why we call those dames, femme fatales.)

3. If you’re a woman, dress as plain or frumpy as possible. The more unattractive you look the better. (Film noir is one of the few genres where being an unattractive woman is actually an asset. Sure you may not get a lot of guys ogling at you but at least you’ll live for the most part. Unattractive men, not so much.)

4. Be in a happy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse, a healthy relationship with your family, stable finances, a squeaky clean record, and with no connections to law enforcement or an organized crime syndicate. (Many problems in film noir usually stem from bad relationships with spouses and family, money problems, criminal past, or connections to law enforcement or organized crime.)

5. Have a healthy relationship with your romantic partner based on reciprocated love as well as mutual trust and fidelity. (A relationship based on mutual lust {which most romantic relationships are in film noir}, is one-sided, unhealthy, or has at least one unfaithful partner, you’re chances of surviving are slim. Unhealthy relationships in film noir usually end very, very badly. And in unhappy film noir marriages, divorce is not really an option.)

6. Don’t shoot anyone unless you really have to like if someone is pointing a gun at you. (Committing first-degree murder will result in lower survival odds or the clink. Self-defense may not have much better odds.)

7. Occupations to avoid: private investigator, policeman, boxer, nightclub entertainer, gangster, bar tender, waiter, nightclub owner, drifter, con artist, insurance agent, writer, journalist, musician, gambler, pawnbroker, restauranteur, socialite, heiress, and trophy wife.

8. Remember, don’t put a lot of trust in other people, especially strangers. Rather don’t trust anybody until their true character alignment is known. (For even those you trust can easily stab you in the back both figuratively and literally.)

9. If you’re a man, stay away from seemingly wholesome mysterious women who may need your help. (They have something to hide and aren’t really so wholesome once you get to know them. And they’re certainly not helpless either.)

10. Avoid nightclubs, warehouses, bars, gambling dens, and juke joints. (They may be run by an organized crime syndicate and are dens of nothing but trouble. That or the bad guys just hang out there, but you still might want to avoid them.)

11. Don’t be a henchman. (It’s film noir’s equivalent to a redshirt since they may have to take it from both sides. Not only do they have to worry about being killed by the good guy but the bad guy may have them take the fall or for other purposes.)

12. If you’re falsely accused of a crime, get away as far as you can and don’t expect justice to prevail. (Because sometimes it doesn’t and you may end up getting killed eventually.)

13. Don’t plan to kill anyone. (Because if you follow through with it, your days will be numbered. And let’s just say, you may be subject to the death penalty. Still, one way or another, it will catch up with you.)

14. If you have any information critical to the plot, tell the anti-hero or at least someone with a good character alignment. (Because you may simply be killed if you tell anyone else who may kill for it, even the cops. I mean you can’t trust anyone in film noir.)

15. Don’t do any job for a large sum of money. (You won’t have any opportunity to spend it.)

16. If someone tells you to get out of town, just do it and don’t look back. (I don’t care what’s on your conscience or if you’re emotionally invested in something, just get the hell out of there because something bad will happen.)

17. It helps if you’re not only the protagonist but also the voice-over narrator. (Well, assuming that these sequences aren’t flashbacks.)

18. Always travel with a buddy and only during the day. (Because you’re more likely to get shot during nighttime and alone.)

19. Remember, you may be born with a clean slate but if you do anything bad to anyone or break the law, it will catch up to you. (And sometimes you may be killed over it or arrested. In film noir, the good guys will get you for breaking the law and hurting one of their own, while the bad guys will get you for just about any excuse.)

20. Don’t get involved in con games, heists, or organized crime. (It won’t end well.)

21. If you’re a guy, don’t get involved in schemes involving a beautiful unhappily married woman wanting to kill her husband in hopes of attaining some degree of material gain. (Because even if you succeed, you and the woman will eventually end up dead by the end.)

22. If you’re a male private investigator, if an attractive woman asks you for help or protection, turn her down. (People may die if you accept.)

23. Expect betrayal. (Especially if you’re low on the totem pole and don’t have a lot of lines.)

24. If you’re a drifter, if you’re just passing through some place, just pass through. (If you stay awhile, something bad will happen.)

25. Remember that the good guys aren’t really that good but the bad guys may be especially evil.

More Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 4, 2014

1. The Goodbye Girl: Forced Cohabitation Leads to Love

2. The Ox-Bow Incident: Vigilantism Is Not Heroism

3. Minority Report: Pre-Crime Is Not 100% Effective

4. Close Encounters with the Third Kind: UFO Enthusiasts Make Bad Husbands

5. Greenfingers: Gardening for Convicts

6. The Last of the Mohicans: Daniel Day-Lewis’ Nice Hair

7. All Quiet on the Western Front: Everybody Dies

8. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang: How I Stole $15 and Fucked Up My Life

9. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: Bette Davis Makes a Terrible Caregiver, Serving Rat and Canary to Disabled People, Extreme Sister Rivalry

10. My Fair Lady: Closeted Metrosexuals the Musical, Girls as Dolls the Musical

11. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Abduction Leads to Shotgun Weddings the Musical

12. A Big Hand for the Little Lady: Never Underestimate Women in Poker

13. Pocahontas: Disney Flunks American History

14. An American in Paris: Despite Its Perks, Highly Disappointing Musical

15. Lars and the Real Girl: Guys and Dolls the Non-Musical Literal Version

16. How to Steal a Million: How to Steal a Worthless Fake to Bail Out Your Dad

17. Leave Her to Heaven: Possessive Girlfriends Ruin Your Life

18. Judgement at Nuremberg: Love of Nation Does Not Justify the Means, Patriotism is No Excuse for Genocide

19. Hannah and Her Sisters: Woody Allen’s Hilarious Death Scare

20. In a Lonely Place: Humphrey Bogart Really Needs Anger Management, Anger Issues Can Create Serious Problems

21. The Barefoot Contessa: Impotence Leads to Crimes of Passion, Forced Sexless Marriage Kills

22. Joan of Arc: The Director’s Cut Is Much Better, Warrior Women Get Screwed

23. The Lost Weekend: Ray Milland Really Needs to Quit Drinking, Drinking and Writing Don’t Mix, Seriously, You Need Help, Man

24. The Birds: Swarming Attack Birds Don’t Shit, Seriously, Where’s All the Bird Poop?, Everything Must Be Covered in Bird Shit by the End

25. Titanic: Happy Old Woman Who’s Fondest Memory Is Having a Fleeting Romance with a Guy She Fucked in a Back of a Car on a Boat that Sunk

26. Tender Mercies: 1980s Crazy Heart, Sort of

27. The Days of Wine and Roses: Alcoholism Ruins Everything, Drinking Is Not Cool

28. Jurassic Park: Mostly Cretaceous Park, A Theme Park of Cloned Dinosaurs Is a Very Bad Idea

29. Pan’s Labyrinth: CGI Mythological Monsters Can’t Be More Scarier than Evil Fascist Captain, My Evil Stepfather Is a Bloodthirsty Fascist

30. The Night of the Hunter: Beware of Preachers with Tattoos

31. Cape Fear (1960’s): Scorsese Ruined This in the 1990s, Robert Mitchum Is Creepy

32. Ted: Filthy Children’s Toy and Manchild

33. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Is this a Nightmare Sequence or a Drug Trip?

34. Raising Arizona: Sympathetic Baby Snatchers

35. Groundhog Day: Bill Murray Lives for a Day Over and Over Again

36. Some Like It Hot: Jack Lemmon Has Major Gender Identity Issues

37. In Bruges: Gangsters Stick to Their Fucking Principles, Colin Farrell and Four People from Harry Potter

38. Hercules: Disney Fails Greek Mythology

39. Birth of a Nation: White Power the Silent Version, KKK Recruitment Propaganda, Rated W for White Supremacy, 3 Hours of Racism

40. Sunset Boulevard: Hollywood Screws People Up Big Time

41. Duel in the Sun: Not Your Conventional Gregory Peck Movie, Gregory Peck Is a Very Bad Man in This, 1940s Western Fanservice

42. Magic Mike: Maybe Male Strip Shows Aren’t that Entertaining, Nice Chest Scenes, Depressing Plot

43. The Master: Three Actors Waste Talent on Disappointing Script

44. The Hands of Orlac: Stranglers Shouldn’t Be Hand Donors

45. Apocalypto: Mel Gibson Fails Pre-Columbian Civilizations

46. Freaks: Freak Show Performers Are People, Too

47. The Brothers Bloom: Con Men Sure Have Issues, Crazy Rich Girls Make Everything Better Eventually

48. Spellbound: Don’t Talk to Strangers Especially Crazy and Potentially Dangerous Ones Unless They’re Hot

49. The Gods Must Be Crazy: Glass Bottles Create Tribal Disharmony, Glass Bottles Must Be Disposed Accordingly

50. Death at a Funeral: Don’t Take Vicodin Before a Funeral, Especially from a Drug Dealer, Murphy’s Law Funeral Style, Controlled Substances Make Funerals Interesting

How to Survive a Western

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 31, 2014

Ah, westerns, a classic American movie genre set at a time and place when everyone had to do everything themselves, especially when it came to fighting Indians or regular law enforcement. A time of cowboys and Indians, outlaws and gunfighters, and a time when people from far and wide moved away from the east to start a life of their own and grow up with the country. Of course, knowing that most of these are set between 1865-1920 so you won’t have access to the convenient 21st century technology. Still, surviving in a western isn’t easy and if you find yourself in one, here are some steps you should follow. (Of course, don’t count on working out all the time.)

1. Be black or Asian. (Because as far as race goes, these two have among the lowest death rates since most westerns don’t have either of them. Sure being black or Asian in a western may mean being susceptible to demeaning stereotypes or terrible jobs for pittance but at least it’s better not having people who want to kill you. And even so, chances are good you’ll survive anyway regardless of role except maybe villain.)

2. Listen to the hero no matter how much of jerk he is because he is always right. (Sure John Wayne may be bully and a complete asshole but if you don’t listen to him, well, there’s going to be trouble. Of course, unless you’re Maureen O’Hara you might want to avoid sleeping with him).

3. Don’t mess with the hero. (The hero’s motives may not be pure but if you do anything to him or try to hinder his goal, well, you’re going to get it.)

4. Avoid saloons and banks. (Sedentary indoor gun shootings happen at these places 90% of the time. Also, brothels, bars, hotels, and dance halls count as saloons since they also serve booze.)

5. Don’t be in anything by Sam Peckinpah. (I can’t help you there given his movies make Quentin Tarantino films look like something from Disney. Come to think of it, you might have better odds in The Hunger Games than in a Sam Peckinpah western.)

6. Stay indoors when the guns go off. (Or else, you’ll end up shot as an innocent bystander.)

7. Horseback riding and sharpshooting are valuable skills. (Being skilled in at least one will help you tremendously.)

8. Remember that most weapons fire rounds beyond their capacity without reloading. (Westerns are notorious for having six shooters that fire more than six at a time before reloading.)

9. Don’t board trains carrying gold or weapons in the baggage car. (It will be targeted for a train robbery which will involve shooting and dead bodies.)

10. Don’t travel by stagecoach. (Trust me, it will be Indians, bandits, or both.)

11. If you’re challenged to fight against a guy who’s known for his fast reflexes or excellent aiming skills, get the hell out of town as soon as you can. (Sure you might be called a coward but at least you’ll survive.)

12. Don’t challenge people to duels. (Just don’t. The challenger usually gets shot and killed in these. If he survives, then welcome to hell.)

13. If you’re white, stay out of the Indian settlements. (I don’t care if you’re in the US Army and it’s your job to get them to surrender peacefully {which won’t happen}, if the nearby Indians aren’t bothering you, either establish friendly relations or leave them alone. Otherwise, you’ll end up like Boromir.)

14. If you’re an Indian, stay out of white settlements and be prepared to face evacuation or the white man at all times. (Seriously it really sucks being an Indian in westerns, doesn’t it? Even if you do these things, there may be no hope for you but the reservation, which may be fate worse than death.)

15. Whenever you enter a town, make sure that there are no Wanted posters with your picture on them. (If there is, get the hell out before anyone sees you. You will either face armed confrontations, be chased by a posse, be arrested by the sheriff, deal with a bounty hunter, or possibly lynched.)

16. Remember your guns and horses are your prized possessions and traveling companions. (Take good care of them and they’ll take good care of you.)

17. If you get hurt, remember that a veterinarian is just is good as any doctor around. (And if you need medical care, you’ll need the nearest doctor you can get if there’s any around. Besides, most doctors in westerns usually treat both people and livestock anyways regardless of their specialty.)

18. Remember fire safety is really important. (Especially, since this is a time when most people don’t have access to electric lighting and that most structures are built out of wood.)

19. When the town needs a new sheriff, don’t volunteer or talk about your exploits. (You don’t want to be sheriff in that town, because the last guy probably got killed and crime is pretty bad.)

20. Don’t go in front of charging large animals. (You will get trampled.)

21. Forget codes of honor and perhaps try to do your best to survive. (I mean you don’t have to face the bad guy if it’s going to get you killed. An early grave is far worse than being called a coward.)

22. Gathering a large posse is a great defense against a band of violent criminals on the loose. (And in westerns, you most criminals are violent or at least armed robbers at best.)

23. Best leave fighting invading Indians to the army cavalry instead of doing it yourself. (Except if it’s Custer at Little Big Horn, Fort Apache, or in some unavoidable situations.)

24. Always show respect and courtesy toward the Indians. (They may be your enemy but will be less likely to kill you if you treat them politely and you’re not in a large group. Only applies when you actually have to go to the Indian camp or want to trade.)

25. Friendly Indian sidekicks are very reliable outside civilization. (When it comes to surviving the wilderness, there’s no one better. Outlaws, mountain men, and trappers are very good as well since they know how to handle a gun.)

26. On the trail, circling your wagon is a great defense against Indian attacks. (They always do this in western movies set on the trail. However, in real life, Indian attacks on wagon trains hardly ever happened {since the Indians knew raiding them would be a very stupid thing}. Also, the circling wagons was more for keeping cattle in and took hours.)

27. If you’re in a bank being robbed, do whatever the bank robber says. (Because it will get ugly if you don’t.)

28. If you’re a guy, never underestimate women in the frontier. (Sure there’s a lot of sexism at the time but many women in westerns do know how to load and shoot a gun, have helped built their own houses, and has seen her share of adversity, especially if she’s much older. And if you have the wrath of Mattie Ross, then God help you.)

29. On the cattle drive, watch out for stampedes, rustlers, snakes, storms, flash floods, droughts, etc. (On second thought, maybe working on a cattle train is not a good idea.)

30. Basic knowledge of first aid will help tremendously. (Especially since there will be no medical establishment within miles.)

31. If your town is besieged by violent criminals, don’t be afraid of enlisting outside help even if it’s just a drifter with a mysterious past. (Of course, he will be played by John Wayne or Clint Eastwood anyway, so you’ll be fine.)

32. Just because the hero can survive after going through a hail of bullets doesn’t mean you should. (Somehow western heroes tend to be somewhat immune to bullets at least until the very end than most of the other characters.)

33. If you’re a famous western hero, make sure the movie doesn’t depict anything related to the Alamo or anything related to your demise. (If you’re David Crockett or Jim Bowie and the movie’s title is The Alamo, you won’t last.)

34. Remember anything can be edible if you’re desperate enough. (Even if it’s dead human flesh or grasshoppers.)

Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 25, 2014

1. High Noon: Surrounded by Chickenshits

2. Suspicion: Lowering Relationship Standards

3. Transformers: CGI Robo Explosion Porn, Two Hour CGI Masturbation

4. Psycho: Overclipped Shower Scene

5. Pearl Harbor: From the Guys Who Flunked American History

6. Shadow of a Doubt: Something’s Really Wrong with Uncle Charlie

7. 300: CGI Six Packs, Bad History

8. Rashomon: Eyewitnesses Aren’t Always Reliable

9. Bridge Over the River Kwai: Seriously, You Realize You’re Committing Treason, Right?, Obi Wan Kenobi Commits Treason

10. The Grapes of Wrath: Republicans’ Plan for the Middle Class

11. The Black Cat: Has Nothing to Do with the Edgar Allan Poe Story Whatsoever

12. Braveheart: Somewhere a Medieval Historian Is Crying

13. The Deer Hunter: Made By People Who’ve Never Been to Western Pennsylvania

14. Arsenic and Old Lace: Old Ladies Make Loveable Serial Killers

15. The Philadelphia Story: Last Minute Bachelorette Party

16. Gone with the Wind: Four Hour Long Love Story Depicting Negative Black Stereotypes and an Implied Rape Scene But Is Still Better Than Twilight

17. Now, Voyager: Fuck you, Mom, I Do What I Want!

18. A Face in the Crowd: Sheriff Andy Is an Asshole

19. The Quiet Man: Irish Like Spousal Abuse, Dragging Your Wife By Her Hair Solves Everything

20. The Searchers: How Is This Any Good?, Seriously, Critics, You Call This a Masterpiece?

21. Radio Days: Christmas Story for Jews

22. All About Eve: Backstabbing Stage Bitches

23. The Maltese Falcon: Three Deaths Over Rip-Off, Antiques Roadshow Saves Lives

24. Treasure of the Sierra Madre: Greed Makes You Crazy

25. Mildred Pierce: Love Leads to Bad Decision Making

26. Monty Python’s Life of Brian: Seriously Not About Jesus

27. Notorious: Pimping in Espionage

28. Double Indemnity: Keeping It in Your Pants Saves Lives, Love Actuary

29. The Apartment: Horribly Horny Bosses

30. My Favorite Year: Adventures in Celebrity Babysitting

31. West Side Story: Dance Fighting the Musical

32. How Green Was My Valley: Welsh Miners Live Depressing Lives

33. Galaxy Quest: Three Amigos Meets Star Trek, By Trekkies for Trekkies, Trekkie Aliens in Space

34. The Invisible Man: Unintentionally Hilarious Horror Movie, Invisible Naked Guy Runs in Snow

35. Out of the Past: I Like Bad Girls and I Can’t Help It

36. From Here to Eternity: Mermaid Man Beats Old Blue Eyes to Death

37. Rear Window: Peeping Tom Neighborhood Watch Squad

38. Vertigo: Jimmy Stewart Really Needs a Therapist

39. Becket: Brokeback Mountain Middle Ages Edition

40. A Matter of Life and Death: The Perks of Having a Girlfriend

41. The Man with the Golden Arm: Cheating on Your Wife Is Bad Unless Your Girlfriend Helps You Overcome Your Heroin Addiction by Locking You While You Experience Withdrawal Symptoms

42. The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex: More Accurate than the Cate Blanchett Movies

43. 12 O’Clock High: Not a Stoner Movie

44. The Lion in Winter: King Henry II’s Family Christmas

45. The Paleface: Bob Hope is Actually Funny

46. Son of Pale Face: Horses Make Strange Bedfellows

47. The Great Dictator: Thinly Veiled Satire on Nazi Germany

48. I Was a Male War Bride: Feminism for Men WWII Edition

49. The Bling Ring: Hermione Robs Legolas

50. The Princess Bride: Manly Movie, Girly Title

The Cinematic Guide to Psychology

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 16, 2014

Psychology is perhaps one of the most underrated subjects as well as a relatively new field of science. Yet, since we live in a world of personalities, emotions, and human interaction, it is exceedingly useful in almost any profession and has changed people’s lives for the better because of it (I mean, who can live without therapists?). Still, though psychology has been a science relatively recently, it has always existed and people have always used it throughout history as well as in fiction itself. A good example of psychology at work is in the Bible when King Solomon orders a swordsman to cut a baby in two just to get an emotional reaction from one of the two women fighting over it. A good psychological example in fiction is Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale’s decline in The Scarlet Letter in which his guilt over knocking up Hester Prynne leads to him suffering some psycho-induced illness and Hester’s vengeful and crazy ex-husband Roger Chillingworth knows it and does his dirty work on him. Nevertheless, while writers may have some psychological understanding, they aren’t the leading authorities on it and Hollywood is not the place you should rely on the latest information of the human mind. In fact, much of the psychology you see in movies is based on knowledge that has been repeatedly debunked and deemed out of date. Not to mention, human behavior is very unpredictable and everyone experiences the world differently, including people with mental disorders. I mean it’s complicated. Yet, people believe it. Here is a list of supposed psychological knowledge everyone gets from movies.

1. Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities) exists and usually consists of people having either a bunch of personalities or Jekyll and Hyde dynamic. (Actually it’s exceedingly rare in real life to the point many First World countries refuse to recognize it as a disorder.)

2. All serial killers are psychopaths that are out of touch with reality and completely irrational. (Though psychopathic serial killers do exist {like Ted Bundy}, most psychopaths aren’t serial killers {most live completely normal lives but are more likely to commit and get away with white collar crime though}nor all serial killers psychopaths {though many are but are only responsible for 60% of serious violent crime in the US}. Not to mention, despite being narcissistic, anti-social, irresponsible, impulsive, charming but lacking emotional depth, they are completely in touch with reality and highly rational. Also, being out of touch with reality and irrational is psychosis and usually doesn’t make a person dangerous in society and is usually a symptom of another disorder. Hollywood tends to use both interchangeably.)

3. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are socially awkward with high intelligence but are assholes who can’t feel empathy or understand emotions. (People with Asperger’s may have social difficulties with nonverbal social cues and many may be highly intelligent, but they usually go to great lengths to inadvertently hurt anyone so they do care how other people are feeling. More often than not, they just can’t tell.)

4. Dyslexics have terrible writing skills, see jumbled words, and can’t read past a fourth grade level. (Dyslexia is actually a spectrum disorder while some dyslexics may be functionally illiterate, many are simply bad at reading or phonics. Most shown in movies are only severe cases. Also, while many dyslexics are bad at writing, it’s a side affect and many do go to great pains to make sure their grammar and spelling is up to snuff.)

5. Bipolar sufferers go through rapid cycles of extreme mood swings at a constant rate whether be weeks, days, or hours. (Actually most bipolar sufferers would experience such symptoms maybe a few times a year or at times of great stress. This kind imore corresponds to a Borderline Personality Disorder.)

6. Panic is usually induced during disasters and it’s best people should be told not to. (It’s very possible to have a panic attack in their own home since it’s induced by a sense of potential entrapment, a sense of helplessness, and a sense of profound isolation. Also, it’s best not to tell people not to panic during disasters because it makes their situation worse.)

7. You can easily pretend insanity. (Most legally insane people usually don’t know it but may suspect something may be wrong with them. Still, if you try to be insane, most will see through your act like most of the M*A*S*H 4077 sees through Klinger’s cross dressing scheme to get a Section 8.)

8. Having an unhealthy body image with help from the media can quickly lead to a life-threatening eating disorder. (While real life-threatening eating disorders do exist, they are still very rare, have been around longer than Hollywood, and usually are seen as an expression of complex psychological and emotional problems. Most people aren’t susceptible to such extreme behavior patterns for any significant length of time. So while having an unhealthy body image may help lead to a life-threatening eating disorder, it’s usually not the only factor and they are usually develop over a much longer period of time. Still, this is not to say having an unhealthy body image is a good thing or that the media is completely harmless projecting them.)

9. Uncovering painful repressed memories through therapy will help people come to terms with their traumas causing mental problems. (This “uncovering” repressed memories is seen as a scientifically and ethically dubious practice once popular with incest cases and might’ve sent innocent people to jail.)

10. Assertiveness training turns people into self-centered jerk or lunatics with short tempers before going back to normal with no repercussions from their behavior. Also, this usually involves hypnosis or reading a book. (This usually involves multiple sessions with a trained psychologist and learning about diplomatic ways to stand up for yourself and get your fair share.)

11. All responses to trauma are PTSD and usually requires the key to re-experience the episode for an individual to remember and understand before quickly returning to normal. (PTSD is a disorder requiring time to develop with problems that arise when the trauma isn’t dealt with or acknowledged the first time. Also, triggering is usually not needed since they usually remember what happened, they just can’t stop forgetting. Also, treatment for PTSD takes years. It’s complicated.)

12. Schizophrenia cause the person to experience vivid and focused hallucinations. (Not usually and can sometimes be auditory. They tend to be portrayed that way because it’s more effective and doesn’t confuse the audience.)

13. People with ADHD are constantly at a caffeine high and unable to maintain focus on anything for more than a few minutes before getting distracted. (It’s actually a whole set of symptoms, some good and some bad. ADHD is usually exaggerated in movies to the point of absurdity.)

14. Hypnosis is an effective brainwashing method even when the person was an unwilling participant. (It’s impossible unless the person wanted to be brainwashed, if such is possible. Propaganda {like Fox News} and violence are much more effective for unwilling participants.)

15. Amnesia can be caused from a head bump and doesn’t last very long as well as usually pertains to the inability to recollect memories before the incident. Also, memory recovery may cause you to forget new ones already made if you experience another head injury. (Most amnesia cases pertain to the inability to create memories after the head bump if such happens but amnesia is usually rare. Not to mention, it can last for days or even a lifetime. Also, most amnesia isn’t caused by just single bump to the head or isn’t necessarily cured by it {more realistically it may be the result of significant brain damage after several head injuries over the span of years [like NFL football players]}. Not to mention, recovering past memories doesn’t lead to you losing new ones unless you have short term memory loss.)

16. People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder are likely to lash out at people who reject them when in a mercurial mood. (Actually are more prone to harm themselves and engage in self-destructive behavior. Also, 10% of those diagnosed with BPD are estimated to die at their own hands. Sorry, Fatal Attraction.)

17. Sufferers from Tourette’s Syndrome compulsively swear. (This is coprolalia and is only experienced by 10% of Tourette’s sufferers. Also, Tourette’s sufferers usually have multiple physical and verbal tics they feel compelled to perform on a regular basis. But who wants to see someone with Tourette’s who doesn’t compulsively swear?)

18. The mentally ill are more likely to commit crimes. (Only commit slightly more violent crime {only because they have a higher incidence of substance abuse} than average but are 10 times more likely to become victims of crimes though. If they are a danger to anyone, it’s usually to themselves.)

19. It’s not uncommon for men to experience a mid life crisis in which he dumps his wife for a younger woman, quits his job, and gets himself a Cadillac. (Not really. Also, most people don’t have mid life crisis like that and are satisfied with their lives. Only affects 10% of middle aged men.)

20. People with OCD are ritualistic control freaks with no social skills and pay super attention to detail. (It’s actually an anxiety disorder that causes repeated unwanted thoughts and the rituals are simply attempts to stop them. More along the lines of OCD personality disorder.)

21. All paranoids are schizophrenic and are laden with conspiracy theories which turn out to be true. (Paranoid schizophrenia is among a group of six kinds of schizophrenic disorders classified by disorganized thought, general difficulty thinking, delusions, hallucinations, and jerky “odd” movements and is rather rare. Also, not all paranoids are schizophrenic either. Sure they may believe in some kind of conspiracy theory but it’s not usually true.)

22. When someone is grieving, they always experience the Five Stages of Grief in order even within ten seconds of each other. (Not all of them go through the five stages and not always in order. Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who formulated the theory said this.)\

23. People only use 10% of their brains unless they have super powers. (Humans use all their brains but not all at the same time and about 15-30% at any given moment. When the entire brain flares up, someone usually has a seizure. Oh, and superpowers don’t really exist.)

24. All psychology is Freudian. (Well, some but it’s also part neuroscience, too.)

25. Psychological problems usually stem from a single source. (There are usually many sources and it could take weeks for a psych to figure out what’s wrong before treatment.)

26. Mental hospitals are houses of horrors. (Yes, but not for reasons you might think even though a positive experience in one is more likely. Still, abuse can happen in places with improperly trained and supervised personnel, lack of funds, and using outdated drugs.)

27. A shrink could be driven mentally unsound by his or her job. (Well, yes, but so can medical professionals, lawyers, police, and even co-dependents to mentally ill.)

28. Psychological treatment doesn’t take particularly long even if it’s from psychological trauma. (They usually take years to sort out and cure in the best scenarios and most require a lifetime.)

29. Therapy offices usually have clients sit himself or herself on a couch staring at the ceiling. (This is not as common nowadays since most involve the client and therapist facing each other.)

30. Traumatic incidences and childhood upbringing can shape a person for who they are. (To some extent, yes, but it’s kind of up for debate.)

31. Rorschach tests are standard psychiatric procedure. (Most psychiatrists don’t value the test since it requires their own judgement on the patient’s answers and the blots you see in the media aren’t the ones necessarily used in real life.)

32. Serial killers who target women and sexual deviants have grown up with abusive parents, particularly mothers. (While many social deviants do have abusive childhoods, most of them do their crimes for simply no reason. Also, while someone with abusive parents is very likely to be abusive themselves, this doesn’t mean they will become serial killers or serial rapists.)

33. Psychologists and psychiatrists are the same. (Actually psychiatrists prescribe drugs while psychologist usually do therapy.)

34. Bullies have low self-esteem. (Most of them usually have an inflated sense of self-worth and get aggressive when their sense of superiority comes into question.)

35. Cult members are mindless sheep. (They’re just like everyone else who just want to belong to a social group.)

36. Autistic people are easy to identify. (There are plenty of people who may be autistic but you wouldn’t know it.)

37. Taking drugs can lead to a higher level of enlightenment. (There’s some debate about this.)

38. Only crazy and messed up people need therapy. (Even normal people are susceptible to mental illness.)

39. Word tests are conducted in which the therapist is interested in what the patient will respond. (Usually more interested in how long it takes than what words he or she says.)

40. An Oedipus Complex pertains to guy having an inappropriate relationship with his mother. (Can be but a guy doesn’t need to have a sexual relationship with his mom to have an Oedipus Complex. He just has to want to remove his father to further himself in the eyes of his mom. The female Electra Complex is kind of the same way with girls and their fathers. Has more to do with a child’s relationship with the same sex parent than anything.)

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 10, 2014

Though I love old movies, I’ve never been such a fan of the horror genre, especially now many nowadays are just slasher movies. Of course, there are a few I actually like but most of them are old school and in black and white classics, and even from them, there are few which are actually scary. Still, despite old horror movies’ inability to scare me, I still enjoy them since they’re quite entertaining and sometimes unintentionally funny. But most movies that actually scare me tend to revolve around psycho killers, especially charming ones many wouldn’t suspect of killing anyone at least in the movie. Then there’s Diabolique which is about a murder plot gone horribly wrong after conducted at near perfect precision. Nevertheless, if you’re in a horror movie, there are plenty of things you could do to make sure what bumps in the night doesn’t get you. However, following these steps doesn’t guarantee your safety but will certainly lessen your chances. Not to mention, be glad you’re not in a war movie since your odds of dying are much higher.

1. If you’re a scientist, doctor, or medical student, don’t conduct secret projects in your basement, especially those which try to defy and/or violate scientific ethics or principles, involve lawbreaking or cruelty to animals, and/or come with consequences you aren’t willing to take responsibility for. (C’mon, we know these experiments will go horribly wrong and the local community will live with the consequences.)

a. If you create a potion, you might want to test it on small animals instead of drinking it yourself to conduct a scientific study analysis. (Because if you take it yourself, you will go insane and inflict your wrath around town before your inevitable death. Look at Dr. Jekyll and the Invisible Man. Women are perfectly fine though since the Invisible Woman actually went on to get married and live happily ever after making invisible babies. Of course, she really wasn’t a monster.)

2. If you’re an archaeologist or part of an archaeology expedition, stay the hell out of Egypt. (Or else, you’ll come across a tomb which is always cursed as well as have a mummy come back to life who may want to take up with your crew’s token female. And he won’t hesitate knocking you off in the process.)

3. Common Sense: learn it, use it, love it.

4. Avoid the following as much as possible: small towns or the middle of nowhere, small town gas stations, eerie barns, old houses with histories, Southern backwoods, forests, old hospitals, basements, run down areas, wax museums, campgrounds, tool sheds, places with one hanging light bulb, naturally creepy places, garages, castles, cemeteries, attics, dark damp places, New England, England, private islands, mom and pop hotels and inns, nuclear facilities, or the Deep South.

5. If you or your wife delivers a stillborn baby, do not consider adopting the orphan baby whose mother died in childbirth at the same hospital to replace it with, no matter how badly you want a kid. (The baby is the spawn of Satan and will amass a considerable body count by the end of the movie, including you, your spouse, and a nanny or two. I mean look what happened to Gregory Peck in The Omen.)

6. If you’re from out of town and looking for a place to stay the night especially during increment weather, stay away from Victorian houses, old creepy mansions, closets, castles, or a motel decorated with taxidermy and run by a socially awkward but seemingly pleasant young man. (I mean c’mon chances are you won’t last the night in any of them. And if you stay in the last one, you will probably be murdered by that seemingly pleasant young man in a dress while you’re taking a shower.)

7. Don’t plan to kill anyone, particularly your spouse, especially with the person your spouse is cheating on you with. (Chances are, your plan will backfire and you’ll be dead by the end even if it at first goes perfectly well.)

8. Be wary around young children who seem like perfect little angels in adult company but are greatly feared among the other kids. (Chances are there is something wrong with them and get to you when it’s too late. Finding out won’t stop them either.)

9. Pay attention to urban legends, ghost stories, town legends, anything related to the occult or superstition, or any other kind of knowledge as the plot demands even if you don’t believe it yourself. (Such knowledge will come in handy later.)

10. Expect the unexpected.

11. If you’re under 40 and/or single, don’t ever have sex or even attempt it until the responsible party is vanquished (assuming you or your love interest isn’t insinuating all this. If so, then break it up now). Doesn’t matter what your gender, your sexual preferences or tastes, whether you use protection, or how much experience you had. As long as there’s something scaring the place, abstinence is your only option. (Otherwise, you will be dead. As for rape victims and prostitutes, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.)

12. If you’re a young woman, don’t take your clothes off or show your breasts even for bathing or changing into something else, especially in slow motion. (The first woman to lose or remove her clothing dies.)

13. Unless it’s before 1970, don’t use drugs or alcohol. (Because you will end up doing stupid things which will allow the killer to find you, meaning you’re dead. If it’s before 1970, tobacco and alcohol are perfectly fine since everyone basically is using one or the other or both.)

14. Don’t think you can outsmart the killer or even try. (You can’t and you will fail.)

15. If you’re black, make sure you bring a black friend along with you who isn’t played by someone more famous than you are. (The token black person in the group always dies first or somewhere along the line as in Night of the Living Dead when the black guy is killed last by rednecks mistaken him for a zombie. Having such buddy will help you immensely.)

16. Stay away from Satanists. (They are in league with the devil and won’t hesitate to make you part of their plans whether it means to bring Satan to Earth or as a human sacrifice.)

17. If you think the killer is dead, don’t bend over or kneel beside it to make sure. Continuous hacking and shooting as well as setting it on fire are viable options. You need to better be damn sure. (Else, the monster will come back to life and kill you.)

18. For parents: if one of your kids sees something really wrong with a particular person whether it be your sibling, spouse, or some other kid, listen to them for God’s sake. (Or else, you’ll end up like Shelley Winters in The Night of the Hunter.)

19. Don’t even attempt to call anyone for there won’t be any service or reception, the cords will be snipped or the power is out, or there won’t be any phones. Phones aren’t helpful in horror movies. (You’ll be dead if you even answer one.)

20. If you’re confronted by the killer, don’t run up the stairs. (You won’t get out and will be killed.)

21. If you have a job, don’t work the graveyard shift, especially if you work in law-enforcement or as a security guard. (Those people are usually dead in the beginning.)

22. If some seemingly important person who’s well seasoned in these kind of things gives you any advice, listen to them unless doing so would break any other more logical guideline.

23. Make sure your flashlight has a fresh set of batteries or you take a spare pack with you. (Because when those flashlight batteries die, then so will you.)

24. If this is an Edgar Allan Poe story, make sure the house has no torture devices, homicidal freaks, or graves of anyone buried alive. Also, make sure your house doesn’t have any of these. (Else, God help you.)

25. Don’t go anywhere near creepy or strange sounds since they’re distractions. (And the killer will be right behind you.)

26. If it stars Boris Karloff or Vincent Price, you might want to avoid them. (They usually play the bad guys in horror movies and should never be trusted.)

27. Don’t try opening a door that’s been sealed for a long time if you don’t know the reasons behind it. (Chances are it was done for a very good reason.)

28. Don’t get locked in any building or business after hours.

29. Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following:

a. Doors or paper thin walls that can be easily broken down by shambling corpses.

b. Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.

c. Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.

d. Whispering walls.

e. Unusual closets or other alcoves that contain unusual objects or creatures.

f. Storage spaces beneath stairways.

g. Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.

h. In regard to basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before you move in.

29. Before you move in, get as much information as you can about the previous tenants. (This will save you much aggravation.)

30. Never stop to pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person. (You will regret it.)

31. Avoid people with the following features: men in black, people with pointy teeth or lots of facial hair, people with pale complexions who moan and sway, anyone frothing at the mouth, painted faces, or anyone with access to virgin’s blood who speaks Latin.

32. Check your nanny’s references before letting her near your kid.

33. If you’re a woman, be sure you’re a good woman and in order to be one you must:

a. Be a natural blonde.

b. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist preferably a world leading expert and perhaps follow in the guy’s footsteps.

c. Don’t wear make-up.

d. Either be a virgin or frigid and make everyone know about it.

e. Be in love with the bad scientist for the first part until he begins to mutate before at all cost switching allegiances to the good scientist.

f. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.

g. Hang around with the bad woman a lot.

34. If you’re a bad woman, be sure to buddy with the good woman and ready to squash the bad scientist the second his fortunes turn on him.

35. Always pay close attention to the dying words of any scientist, military-heavyweight, or anyone responsible for creating the monster. (It’s the only time they will divulge the vital clue to destroying the evil.)

36. When using the buddy system, make sure the other person is slower, weaker, or dumber than you. (Then it will be him or her who gets killed and not you.)

37. While in a group, sleep in shifts. If alone, drink a lot of coffee. (The monster is very likely to get you while you’re asleep.)

38. Think for your own survival first no matter how close you are to the people you’re with. If you survive, you’ll be on your own anyway. (Friends, family, and enemies are expendable here.)

39. Always listen to usually insane people, particularly little old ladies.

40. Never wear a uniform or a badge. (You’ll die within ten minutes.)

41. If you see inanimate objects come to life and/or attack you and it’s not a Disney movie, run for your life.

42. Never open anything that’s been chained, nailed, welded, wax sealed shut, especially if it’s been hidden for a long time.

43. Don’t read anything aloud or solve any puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

45. Avoid animals exhibiting behavior that wouldn’t be considered normal and perhaps more hostile than usual. (There’s something wrong with them and they will kill if you don’t call Animal Control.)

46. If your pet begins behaving erratically in a particular person’s presence, avoid him or her at all costs, even if he or she’s your spouse, child, or relative.

47. If there’s a demon in your house, call your local exorcist immediately regardless of religious denomination. (He may die but at least you and your family will be okay even if there’s possession involved.)

48. Don’t go to the bathroom even if it’s an emergency. (Relieving yourself will get you killed.)

49. Curiosity kills.

50. For slasher films: unless you’re the blonde virgin girl with the androgynous name, you might want to write your last will and testament since there can be no hope for you.

51. Don’t touch strange looking plants.

52. If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior like hissing, a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, and increasing hairiness, go away as soon as possible.

53. Stay away from strangers bearing tools such as: chainsaws, staple guns, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws, or any device from deceased companions.

54. If you’re a guy, don’t be the funny smart-ass. (Else, you’ll be dead.)

55. If you’re looking for something that may be dangerous in the house, turn on the lights or use a flashlight. (Monsters only haunt in the dark.)

56. Never babysit or be a camp counselor.

57. If running away from the monster, try to make the least amount of noise as possible, especially if you’re a girl. (Loose lips create stiffs.)

58. Always be superstitious.

59. If it’s Friday the 13th or Halloween, you might want to go into hiding.

60. The monster is never who you think it is.

For More:

Horror Movie Survival Guide: http://www.horrormoviesurvivalguide.com/

From a website: http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm

From About.com: http://horror.about.com/od/horrorthemelists/ss/How-to-Survive-a-Horror-Movie.htm

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 5, 2014

Valentines Day has never been one of my favorite holidays but is nevertheless one involving card exchanges showing how much we love each other. Previous generations have done the same as well. Of course there are plenty of cute vintage valentines out there while some are kind of a bit, let me just say, strange and probably should never see a mailbox. Besides, may lead to the receiver wondering if their secret admirer has any account for taste or was the designer just on acid. So here is a look at some of the freakiest vintage valentines ever sent in the days of old.

1. Nothing brings the Valentine’s Day spirit than joking about flagrant white supremacist violence on black people.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I’ve ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine’s Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn’t very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

2. Nothing says “Be Mine” in the sincerest form than in armed intimidation.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

3. Of course, nothing tells your valentine how sweet they are than card depicting a girl in a flaming cauldron.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I’m not sure if any of us would want to be told we’re sweet enough to eat.

4. Nothing says, Happy Valentine’s Day than saying you’re planning to skin your beloved’s head and offend Native Americans.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I’m so sorry.

5. Nothing says, “Be Mine” than treating your beloved like cattle.

I’m not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I’m not a cow and branding is for cattle.

6. Finally, nothing says “Be My Valentine” than your willingness to be fried and served over easy.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

7. Hunting out for a Valentine, willing to settle for bear.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

8. Somehow this valentine highly suggests whether you’re either willing to abduct or just a big devotee of 50 Shades of Grey.

And it’s even more disturbing since it’s a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

9. Nothing says “Be Mine” than a valentine depicting prehistoric assault.

Somehow I don’t see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy’s dwelling as anything romantic.

10. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than saying “Be mine or I’ll kill myself.”

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

11. Happy Valentine’s Day from Captain Sex Offender.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you’ll like it or not.

12. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Horny Mad Scientist Vampire.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

13. Nothing shows your love on Valentine’s Day than running over your sweetheart.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I'm sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I’m not sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

14. Happy Valentine’s Day from the creepy kid putting his heart on a platter.

So how is this a Valentine’s Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

15. Nothing depicts the spirit of Valentine’s Day more than a child ice skating with his humongous shaggy dog.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man’s best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

16. This says: “Be Mine” or else I’ll rip your teeth out.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don’t submit to sender.

17. Nothing says “I love you” to your sweetheart than suggesting that they’ll go after you with a hammer if you ever try seeing someone else.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

18. The best way for your sweetheart to be yours is sending a valentine of a creepy clown.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don’t think this will help.

19. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than a valentine depicting a creepy girl.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that’s not cute at all.

20. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than saying that you’ll do whatever the say.

Jesus, lady, I know you’re a waitress but please get a life.

21. Nothing gets in the spirit of Valentines Day than a valentine of a rabid sheep.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

22. Give your sweetheart a valentine of a gangster with a loaded gun and they’ll know you mean business.

And you don’t want to say no to a gangster, do you?

23. A great way to tell your valentine that they’re a hunk of heart of burning love for you.

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That’s insane!

24. If you want to send love to your valentine, then tell them through your ventriloquism.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time. It will certainly give you nightmares.

25. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than a card showing one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

26. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than your willingness to be held at the stocks in public humiliation.

I hear a lot about “taking stock” but this is ridiculous.

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy stuck in the ice cube.

I’d much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don’t think he can just “thaw out” though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can’t describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can’t I?

28. I knew that Dorothy had it in for the Tin Man.

Please, I don’t want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

29. You know your dog loves you if he farts in your face as a valentine.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

30. Happy Valentines Day from the person who caught a contagious heart disease from you.

Hmmm….perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don’t let me guess how it’s spread.

31. Happy Valentines Day from the squirrel who wants to kidnap you.

Because he’s so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

32. Nothing says I’ll be your valentine than agreeing to be their mindless mook they don’t have to care about.

Let’s just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it’s never innocent. Also, you don’t want anyone to be your dictator.

33. Happy Valentines Day from the creepy child in the nail seat.

He’s probably screaming from a sore asshole.

34. Happy Valentine’s Day, and you’ll be sure you see the point from my Swiss Army Knife.

I’m not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

35. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a young girl suggesting you to do BDSM with her.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I’m not sure this is innocent.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from the worm in the rotten apple.

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

37. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a not so innocent reference to bestiality.

I'm sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her steers or bulls a little too much for her own good.

I’m sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her little doagies a little too much here.

38. Happy Valentine’s Day from cute artist or creepy psycho killer child with creepy dog.

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

39. Happy Valentine’s Day from Cupid selling the barbecue hearts special.

Something tells me having one’s heart on a platter really doesn’t suit my stomach right now.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from scary and offensive Chinese laundry man.

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

41. Happy Valentine’s Day from creepy old dude who may look like Satan.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day now be my puppet.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

43. And you thought your doctor was a creep.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

44. A valentine that shows how much you’re willing to hammer it in.

I’m not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from the dog gunner with a heart shaped machine gun.

Be his or he’ll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

46. Nothing says “Be my valentine” than seeing someone willing to eat fire for you.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I’m not sure if I’d like someone do that for me.

47. Happy Valentine’s Day from the mad cow.

And that cow certainly looks like there’s something wrong with it. And please don’t feed me its brains.

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your sweetheart or friend with benefits.

Something tells me that “screwy” may not have innocent connotations here.

49. Happy Valentine’s Day from the butcher.

And yes, he’s got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you’re not a vegetarian or vegan or he’ll cleave you.

50. Happy Valentine’s Day from Satan.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

How to Survive a War Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 29, 2013

While trying to survive a murder mystery comes with it’s own share a difficulties, trying to survive a war movie presents a different set of challenges that make surviving a murder mystery look like a piece of cake. In war movies, death and destruction are everywhere and serve as the norm and no matter what side, what role you play in the story, or how well you follow these tips, your survival is no guarantee. Luckily, many war movies are set in history and chances are you may be someone who actually existed which may help in he long run. Still, here are some guideline on how to survive a war movie. I’ll use the model you’ll find in most Hollywood World War II movies since they make plenty of them but I won’t focus on ships or aviation though.

1. Make sure you’re on the right side. (In Hollywood movies, the formula goes as follows: If you’re in a film set during WWII, the American Revolution, and most American wars in general before 1950, you probably want to be on whatever side the US is on. Exceptions are the US Civil War and World War I since one was fought amongst Americans and the other is usually made to portray the horrors of war in general. If you’re in a film set during the British Empire, the Elizabethan Era, or the Napoleonic Wars, you’d want to side with the Brits. If you’re in a war movie based on a Shakespearean play, stick with the English. Other wars, it mostly depends on the history or point of view.)

2. Make sure you’re based on a real person instead of a fictional creation. (Of course, this may help you or hurt you, depending on whether that person survived the incident or the war. Still, odds are pretty good if your character actually existed.)

3. Be played by a famous actor. (If your character is played by a big movie star like Tom Hanks, you will probably last a very long time.)

4. Be among the main characters. (Odds are good you’ll last a long time, especially if you’re the protagonist.)

5. If you’re the main character, make sure the narrator is either yourself or your child. (Odds are good you won’t die, especially if the narrator is either you or someone who depends on you to exist. Age of child is also a factor.)

6. Don’t show a picture of your girlfriend back home to your soldier buddies no matter how much you love her, how much you want to marry her, or how lovely or attractive she is. (Guys who show a picture of their girlfriends back home will be among the first ones to get shot even if she’s his fiancee. Death happens less often to guys showing a picture of his wife, kids, friends, or other family members.)

7. Don’t tell anyone that your tour of duty or enlistment will be up within less than a month’s time or discuss your future plans after the war. (Chances are you’re a dead man.)

8. Don’t be a spy or a traitor. (You’ll be found out and shot dead.)

9. If you’re a member of a band of brothers unit in a platoon or company, unless you’re the main character, don’t be (can be of any enlisted rank but you know the generalities):

a. Private New-Recruit-Who-Enlisted-Just-Out-Of-High-School or Private Guy-Who-Lied-About-His-Age-To-Join.

b. Private Relative-Or-Friend-Of-Major-Character

c. Private Wanting-To-See-Real-Action or Private Enthusiastically-Idealistically-Patriotic

d. Private Guy-Who-Owes-Something-To-Old-Schoolfriend

e. Private Jolly-Fat-Guy

f. Private Only-Likeable-Guy-In-Group

g. Corporal Cool-Guy-With-Ambiguities

h. Corporal Shell-Shocked-Veteran

i. Corporal Guy-With-Homosexual-Longings

j. Corporal Token-Insert-Nationality-Here (unless American or played by David Niven) or Corporal Token-Insert-Ethnicity-Here

k. Corporal Guy-With-Social-Background-Issues

l. Corporal Smartest-Guy-Here or Corporal Warrior-Poet

m. Corporal Resident-Clown

n. Corporal Nickname

o. Corporal Guy-With-Endearing-Quirk-Or-Skill

p. Corporal Pacifist-Conscript (Unless you’re the titular Sergeant York but he was real.)

q. Sergeant Oldest-Guy-In-His-Unit

r. Sergeant Best-Damn-Soldier-In-Unit

10. As for the NCO or officer to serve under make sure it’s not (can be of any NCO or officer rank):

a. Sergeant Nutso

b. Lieutenant I-Got-This-Promotion-Because-Of-Politics

c. Captain Upper-Class-Twit

d. Major Zero-Respect-For-His-Men

e. Lieutenant Colonel Incapable-Of-Fear

f. Colonel Arrogant-Prick

11. Try to avoid getting a serious injury unless it gets you sent home and doesn’t entail you to experience the medical horrors of the time period. (Survival odds from real serious injuries depend on the setting so while having a limb amputated in a WWII film will get you home, it will result in death in a US Civil War film. As in any movie involving a wooden war ship, if you survive amputation, chances are you will not get an automatic discharge. Those with less serious wounds will be patched up, given leave, and will eventually have to return to the front unless on a wooden war ship.)

12. Only accept souvenirs and tokens from beautiful young women and children you saved which will be helpful. And don’t loot anything off a slain enemy, especially if he’s already dead when you found him no matter how useful his stash is. (You will live to regret it.)

13. If you’re a prisoner of war, remain in capture of your enemies until you’re either liberated or the war is over no matter how bad the enemy’s treating you. No matter how desperate you are, make no effort to escape. (Since escaping from a POW facility will get you either killed, sent back, or commanded to return but on a dangerous mission under blackmail which will get you fragged by a former fellow inmate trying to stop you.)

14. While you’re a POW and an officer, make sure your morale boosting projects aren’t helping the enemy. (Anyone who’s seen The Bridge on the River Kwai knows why Colonel Nicholson couldn’t survive the film.)

15. If you’re serving in a non-combat unit, no matter how intolerable your commanding officer is or how bored you are, don’t ever request a transfer to combat duty. (Mr. Roberts should’ve stayed a merchant marine and be grateful for his role in the war effort.)

16. For officers, veterans, or NCOs: Don’t be a mentor to some new recruit or become some kind of father figure to your men. Also, don’t strive to be a benevolent and competent authority figure who wouldn’t risk putting his men in senseless danger. (Only a messy and disturbing death will befall you near the end. Best be a complete and incompetent jerk but not to the degree that you endanger the men for no reason.)

17. If you’re on leave or have deserted your post, don’t spend an extended time contemplating with increase resolve to return to the front. (You will be shot in the climatic battle like Montgomery Clift in From Here to Eternity.)

18. Enlisted men: Whenever your sergeant says, “I’m not making you go; anyone who wants to can bow out of this with no consequences.” Bow out. (Or else, you and everyone else in your unit will be dead by the end but your respect for your sergeant may cloud your judgement.)

19. While on leave, don’t fall in love or get married even if she’s the girl of your dreams, pregnant with your kid, or has a poor family in need. (You won’t have a future wit her even if the film’s a musical. Of course, if you knocked her up, you might want to marry her so she and your baby can benefit from your life insurance policy if you have one. One exception is if you’re a British soldier who falls for an American servicewoman while your plane crashed. In this case, love will help immensely, especially when you’re fighting for your chance to live in a celestial court.)

20. Don’t name your gun or get too attached with your weapon. (Ole’ Bess won’t save you.)

21. If you should have a pet, make sure it’s a dog or mouse and keep it with you at all times. Don’t set it free or let a friend take care of it for you under any circumstances. (You won’t see it again unless it’s a horse your family lent to the war effort who will reunite with you after a few years of being subject to different owners while you lay temporarily blind by your bed side, even if it has to get caught up in barbed wire.)

22. If you’re an officer, be a sympathetic military maverick who can get away with anything and knowing that soldiers win war for making the other poor dumb bastards die for their country. (Like Patton.)

23. Don’t retreat from battle unless everyone else does or if you plan to return with reinforcements at the last minute.

24. Avoid heartwarming and touching cultural exchanges with an enemy on the other side unless he’s about to die or if your trapped with him behind the lines and dies anyway.

25. Don’t underestimate the practical applications in the latest weapons technology even if your commanding officers do. Be sure to have all the ammunition you need for a battle and add plenty of extra magazines you can cram in your pockets for safe measure. Also, make sure your weapon is maintained so it doesn’t jam. (Well, if you can. Still, you’ll need all the ammo you can get.)

26. Don’t share a foxhole or trench with anyone braver, louder, crazier, or stupider than you.

27. Disregard any advice that goes against good common sense or your training.

28. If taken prisoner, don’t be a smart ass in front of your interrogators who may already be angry with you.

29. Don’t turn your back on anyone you’ve just shot, stabbed, or thrown from a moving vehicle. (Chances are they’re just faking and waiting to stab you in the back.)

30. Never grab a flag or standard and charge headlong at the enemy screaming no matter how inspiring or memorable it is. (You’ll be shot and dead within five minutes.)

31. If you’re in a place that sees no action, don’t talk about your good fortune. And tell your loved ones back home to refrain from such talk as well. (Remember your luck can easily change and you don’t want that to happen.)

32. Avoid love triangles at all times, especially involving your best friend or brother. (Happens in a lot of war movies. If you’re in a war movie love triangles your chances of surviving are 33-50% depending if the object of your affections is back home or a civilian you met on your tour of duty {and this usually involves two guys vying over a girl not two girls vying over a guy}. Still, at least one person in a love triangle has to die while the other remaining may not get the girl anyway and will feel bad about it.)

33. Only write letters if they can also serve as voice over narration and don’t write a letter to your mother, wife, girlfriend, or brother and put it in your top left shirt pocket. (You won’t finish it or send it, especially if your name is Sullivan Ballou during Bull Run and the recipient is your wife Sarah.)

34. Constantly openly fret about your survival and say why war is hell.

35. Don’t participate in any general’s plan to end the war by Christmas. (It’s a suicide mission and will not end the war by Christmas.)

36. Don’t reach for anything just over the trench.

37. If you witness your fellow soldiers committing a war crime, don’t say anything even if you’re morally opposed to such atrocities until you’re back at the base and with evidence. If your superior officer orders you to commit a war crime, simply pull a gun right in front of him and tell him this is unlawful before relieving him of command by force. If it’s likely the chain of command will be unsympathetic if you tell the whole truth in debriefing, frag him. (Else you’ll get killed and so will the village. Happens in a lot of movies about Vietnam.)

38. Pay attention to all safety briefings, language classes, and any area familiarity before any mission.

39. Don’t swear, make scatological or sexual references, use racially insensitive terms, or make any reference to drug use. Also, force others to do likewise especially if it’s a family movie. (Like PG-13.)

40. Refuse all good luck charms. (They won’t work.)

41. Be nice to local civilians regardless of their loyalties. (You will get killed if you don’t try to earn their respect.)

42. When given the chance to shoot a newly captured unarmed or wounded enemy, just do it until he’s dead. (It will assure you that he won’t pose a danger to you or your friends. Any guilt over this, you can tell your grandchildren or spouse in a tearful fashion years later.)

43. If you’re fighting in the desert to the last man against a force drastically outnumbering you, make sure you seek a fortress near a vast untapped water reservoir so when that’s shot off the enemy will surrender. (This is a plot to Sahara.)

44. If you’re on a wooden war ship, make sure you’re not assigned as the mast lookout or near the cannons. (They always get killed in these kind of films.)

45. If you’re American, join the navy. (Many films that feature the US Navy hardly have anyone getting killed {since they’re usually more drama or comedy oriented than action packed} but this doesn’t mean your survival is an absolute guarantee. It just means you have better odds than an army soldier or a pilot since you’re on a ship. Remember what happened in Mr. Roberts when he got transferred to a combat ship during WWII, especially in the Pacific Ocean.)

46. If you’re in the service, be a woman. (Servicewomen are less likely to get killed than servicemen in the same scenario. Compare how the American nurse and the American radio guy find love in the musical South Pacific. Guess who gets the happy ending.)

47. If you find yourself alone, don’t break into any civilian households on enemy soil. (Scarlett shoots a Union soldier doing this in Gone with the Wind. Mrs. Miniver almost does this to a German soldier but turns him to the local cops instead.)

48. If you’re a fighter pilot, make sure your nickname doesn’t sound girly or is the name of a cartoon character. Choose something cool and manly.

49. Know lots of amusing sound off songs. (Makes everyone’s survival more likely.)

50. If you’re a sniper in a sniper duel, make sure the sun isn’t in front of you. (Or you’ll be shot in the eye.)

How to Survive a Murder Mystery

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 27, 2013

I’ve watched a lot of cop shows and murder mysteries on TV. Of course, for this list, I’ll be using the model you see from British murder mysteries like Poirot or Miss Marple. Still, whenever I’ve seen a murder mystery, there is a pattern of things that always happen in them as well as that the same kind of people usually end up dead or arrested. So if you find yourself in a fictional murder mystery, remember to follow these important rules in order to make it out alive and with no criminal record.

1. Don’t kill anyone. (Obviously since this is a murder mystery.)

2. If you’re in a series, it helps being either the detective or part of the main or recurring cast. (Main cast members are rarely suspected of murder and recurring characters have good odds as well.)

3. Stay where you are until the murder investigation is over and don’t make any plans to flee the murder scene’s jurisdiction. If you already have any plans to travel in the near future, cancel them immediately. If you’re just visiting or on vacation, prepare for an extended stay. (Attempting to go through with your traveling plans will result in either death or handcuffs by the end).

4. Don’t have very checkered past. (Or else, you’ll either have a personal secret worth killing for or everyone else will have a reason for killing you.)

5. If you’re head over heels for someone who’s unavailable, make sure he or she reciprocates and things will work out in a fashion that you two will live happily ever after by the end. (Happens all the time in Poirot and Miss Marple detective stories. Still, if you like someone who doesn’t care for you at all despite your willingness to do anything they say for a chance with them, well, let’s just say chances are good you’ll surely get it or arrested.)

6. If you’re a woman don’t get pregnant out of wedlock. (Women who get pregnant out of wedlock have an especially good chance of getting whacked, especially after just finding out within the first or second trimester {it happens}. Yet, women who’ve been pregnant for more than 4-5 months usually have lower odds of dying whether their pregnancy resulted from marital sex or not. Mothers of illegitimate children have low odds as well since it’s the kid’s father who usually dies.)

7. If you’re a man, don’t father an illegitimate child. (Guys, no matter how much time has passed, whether you know of the kid’s existence or not, whether your love child is alive, or whether being someone’s baby daddy may have something to do with the case, your odds of surviving as a free man are very slim, indeed.)

8. If you’re a woman, don’t work in the oldest profession. (Hookers are frequent murder victims on American cop shows, especially when there’s a serial killer lurking around.)

9. If you’re in Great Britain, don’t be clergyman. (With the exception of the Father Brown or Brother Cadfael stories or anywhere else the clergyman is a main character, being a clergyman is almost a death wish since many clergymen in British murder mysteries end up being killed, exposed as a murderer, or both. Midsomer Murders especially. Oh, and while most doomed British clergymen work for the Church of England {as far as I know}, they can be from any religious denomination.)

10. If you’re in a period piece, it helps if you’re under 18. (Kids rarely get killed or arrested in old-timey murder mysteries and if they do, then it’s especially serious business.)

11. If you think you’re in danger for having important information to the investigation, call the detective and tell him or her over the phone but not in a phone booth. Afterwards, make sure you’re not the only one who knows and tell at least two other people. If you possess certain evidence, give it to the detective immediately. (Otherwise, you’ll certainly be the next victim.)

12. Be the most obvious suspect. Helps if you get arrested right away after the murder. (In most murder mysteries, the most obvious suspect will almost never be the murderer. However, while being the most obvious suspect may ensure your innocence most of the time, it doesn’t prevent you from being killed.)

13. Don’t blackmail anybody. (You will probably get whacked.)

14. If you’re a suspect, you might want to suppress your natural indignation as best you can and remain courteous and helpful as well as confess your serious sins to the police. Also, it helps if you tell the investigator why he or she may have reason to suspect you of murder. (Those whose sins and motives are known first, will be found innocent. Yet, this doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be alive by the end.)

15. Don’t sleep with the detective. (Sleeping with the detective can either result in your death or later being found out to be the murderer. Best to go with the detective’s assistant instead.)

16. It helps if you’re a complete jerk who engages in suspicious behavior such as:

a. Having an affair.

b. Having problems with drugs or alcohol.

c. Losing all your money suddenly and trying to hide it from others, especially your significant other.

d. Being involved with someone who’d cause your parents to disown you if they found out.

e. Working undercover in another law enforcement entity or in intelligence.

f. Being a doctor whose personal habits or past mistakes could result in loss of practice should they ever become public.

17. It helps if you claim to be someone you’re not in order to divert the legal route of inheritance just as long as the person who gets it is nicer than whoever loses out. (Otherwise, I see bad things in your future.)

18. It helps if you make fun of the detective’s methods during the investigation, especially if you express constant doubts and ridicule his or her eccentricities or obnoxious ways. (That way you’ll be found innocent and alive as well as get your ultimate comeuppance in the end when the detective reveals who did it.)

19. It helps if you and your spouse have serious marital problems in the beginning as long as they don’t pertain to spousal abuse. (Those who physically abuse their spouses and families will ultimately get whacked. It’s those in seemingly happy marriages who get found out as the murderer.)

20. For men: if the victim is a woman, make sure it’s someone you’ve slept with. (Though most female murder victims are killed by their significant others most of the time, this is almost nonexistent in British murder mysteries, especially if her husband was a real dickhead to begin with. The only exceptions may be if the dead woman and her significant other had a seemingly happy relationship. Murdered women in American crime dramas or murder mysteries are a different story, especially if she’s either single and having an affair with a married man or has a husband cheating on her {Monk had plenty of cases involving women that turn out like this}.)

21. Still, don’t be too much of complete asshole that people will certainly not miss if anything happened to you. (Or else, one person will get so pissed off with you that you’ll be a corpse the next morning. Assholes get killed a lot in murder mysteries since they’re much harder to solve and carry a more interesting investigation. We can’t have all murder victims be of innocent people to feel bad for. In Midsomer Murders, this happens 75% of the time.)

22. For men: if you’re the town Casanova, make your line of work doesn’t require house calls. (While the horny little pizza delivery boy may score in a porno flick, he ends up a corpse in a murder mystery.)

23. Then again, best that your line of work doesn’t require house calls. (They tend to witness everything that goes around town and sometimes may get whacked for seeing something he or she may not be supposed to see.)

24. If you find yourself being chased by a killer, don’t run into unfamiliar alleyways. (It will usually be a dead end or the killer will be waiting at the other end.)

25. You might want to think twice before hiring Hercule Poirot to solve the case. (Hiring Poirot to solve your case does not excuse you from innocence. Many times those who hired Poirot are later found to have actually committed the crime. Still, if you hire Poirot to investigate chances are he will find out who did it, whether you like it or not. And that murderer will be brought to justice unless he or she was a fellow passenger on the Orient Express and only out of compassion.)

26. Be present in the same place as the detective when the second murder occurs. (Obviously, you will not only have an air tight alibi for the second murder but be exonerated as a suspect from the first.)

27. While attending the summation gathering circle, make sure you’re not the last person the detective talks about. (The last person the detective talks about is the murderer.)

28. During interrogation, it’s best if you don’t ask to invoke your Miranda Rights. (Either you’ll be dead or found as the murderer, especially in American cop shows.)

29. If you’re the victim’s doctor, make sure there’s nothing in their medical files is crucial to the plot. (Or else, you could be dead, too. Yet, unlike most normal people, doctors can’t really rely on investigators if they have information important to the case, though many eventually will despite their vow of medical confidentiality.)

30. If you’re in a murder mystery that has any connection with Colin Dexter’s Inspector Morse, it helps if you have nothing to do with Oxford University. (Because many people who get killed in a series inspired by the Colin Dexter series can be a student, teacher, staff member, or someone just visiting even.)

31. You might want to be cautious around company when the detective shows up for anything other than for solving a murder, especially if no one has been killed yet. (When the detective is on vacation or solving a non-murder case, it only takes a matter of time before someone is killed and he or she is asked to help out with the investigation. Happens with Poirot and Monk all the time as well as Nick and Nora.)

32. If you’re a suspect, it helps if you’re the biggest and most blatant jerk of the group. (The biggest jerk suspect is usually innocent but he or she sometimes gets killed though.)

33. When traveling as a pedestrian, always walk with a buddy even at a short distance. (In murder mysteries, most people get killed while traveling on foot by themselves.)

34. Never underestimate little old ladies. (Especially Miss Marple or Jessica Fletcher.)

35. If you find yourself invited to attend a special function in a British country manor during the 1920s or 1930s, you might want to politely decline. (Chances are it will not go well.)

36. If the murder victim was an asshole, just don’t try to be the nicest person in the suspect pool. (Else, you may later be found out as the murderer.)

37. When the detective asks you whether you killed the first victim, simply say, “I was planning to kill (insert victim’s name here) but someone beat me to it before I can get to it” or “Yes, I intended to kill so-and-so but not like that.” (You will be exonerated from all suspicion.)

38. If you’re in America, you might want to avoid convenient stores, jewelry stores, or pawn shops. (A lot of people get killed at these places.)

39. If you’re in America, make sure your job doesn’t pertain to being a security guard or night watchman. (Chances of you being a victim are very likely.)

40. If you’re having an affair and don’t want to leave your spouse, make sure it’s with a person who’s mentally stable and isn’t looking for a serious relationship. (Else, you may end up dead.)

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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