The Strange Table World of Salt and Pepper Shakers

salt-pepper-shakers

For some, salt and pepper shakers are just vessels for two basic condiments on the dinner table. For others, they’re collectibles. As a volunteer at West Overton, I recorded a lot of these in a Microsoft Excel worksheet along with their other items. Initially people only extracted salt and pepper from bowls or containers until shakers came out in the 1920s. But they’ve really became popular during the Depression. Nevertheless, salt and pepper shakers have come in a lot of matching sets in all shapes and sizes. They even have two salt and pepper shaker museums. In this post, I’ll try to give you a glimpse of all the salt and pepper shakers out there. You have ones pertaining to pop culture. You have ones that might be in poor taste and wouldn’t want to put on the kids’ table. And you have ones that need to be seen to be believed. But you see salt and pepper shakers as souvenirs, gifts, decorations, and what not. So without further adieu, may I present to you to the crazy table world of salt and pepper shakers. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Before you say grace, perhaps you can hold your condiments in shakers praying for the Lord.
Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I'll take a pass on these.

Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I’ll take a pass on these. I mean no disembodied praying hands are going on my table.

2. For all you Star Wars fans out there, grace your table with a Stormtrooper and Darth Vader shakers.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won't go on your food.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won’t go on your food.

3. Remember the salt and pepper packs you get at restaurants. Now someone has made a larger home version of these.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they're not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they’re not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

4. These bottle salt and pepper shakers are fashioned into an ice bucket cruet like you see champagne.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won't melt. However, I'm not sure if I'd want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won’t melt. However, I’m not sure if I’d want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

5. It’s said that these grenade salt and pepper shakers really give you a taste explosion.

Now I don't know what to think of this. In fact, I'd be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don't want to be salt or pepper bombed.

Now I don’t know what to think of this. In fact, I’d be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don’t want to be salt or pepper bombed.

6. For some people salt and pepper is as different as a hula dancer fork and spoon.

Of course, they might've went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they're wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

Of course, they might’ve went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they’re wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

7. On this grill cruet, you can pour your salt and pepper from a hotdog and hamburger.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

8. Of course, you can’t make a great table for your guests without a salt and pepper shaker of Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead.

Unlike the toys, you can't take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren't made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who's a fan of Toy Story will love them.

Unlike the toys, you can’t take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren’t made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who’s a fan of Toy Story will love them.

9. Of course, you’d never know that these aren’t cigarettes at first glance.

Of course, I wouldn't recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I'm not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that's crazy.

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I’m not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that’s crazy.

10. Since you might have a matching stove and fridge, why not have your condiments match?

Now together they say,

Now together they say, “Dinner is ready…when the smoke alarm goes off!” Then again, I’m not sure about having a salt and pepper shaker of a stove and fridge. Even if they are the same color of the stove and fridge.

11. Of course, these shells will keep your salt and pepper safe from harm.

Now they're said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

Now they’re said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

12. For those who adore the adorable polar creatures or March of the Penguins, here is a lovely penguin pair for your table.

Of course, you can't tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They're usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

Of course, you can’t tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They’re usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

13. If you love pugs and tacky sweaters, I’m sure these pug salt and pepper shakers will strike your fancy.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some  pug lover who doesn't have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some pug lover who doesn’t have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

14. Now for those working in chemistry, these flask condiment containers will do quite nicely.

Wouldn't be surprised if you saw such a set on someone's table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you saw such a set on someone’s table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

15. Those who love Pepe le Pew will love this salt and pepper set with his cherie.

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she's a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she’s a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

16. Now with salt and pepper shakers like these, I’d suspect the owner must be from Florida.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one's the pepper. Nevertheless, they're about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one’s the pepper. Nevertheless, they’re about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

17. Now these kitty shakers have the salt and pepper come out from their rear ends.

Now I wonder why they'd have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

Now I wonder why they’d have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

18. Dinner time isn’t the same without these dancing devil ballerinas.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

19. As a rule, Her Royal Majesty the Queen always has to stand by her grenadier guard.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

20. Hey, what the hell are those giant flies doing here?

Oh, they're salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I'm not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they're quite freaky.

Oh, they’re salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I’m not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they’re quite freaky.

21. In vampire love, it always starts with love at first bite.

I bet he's trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it's still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

I bet he’s trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it’s still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

22. Of course, you can’t serve dinner without having a couple of Chinamen salt and pepper shakers on your table.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy's hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn't be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy’s hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn’t be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

23. Of course, it’s always easy to tell a good witch from a bad witch.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don't always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren't always green and wear black.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don’t always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren’t always green and wear black.

24. Of course, salt and pepper shakers like these will immerse your table in sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I'm sure they wouldn't be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I’m sure they wouldn’t be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

25. Now this salt and pepper shakers are made courtesy of New Orleans.

Okay, I don't know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they're done in a style you'd find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn't want to be caught with these two.

Okay, I don’t know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they’re done in a style you’d find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with these two in my possession.

26. Seems like Ms. Pickle and Ms. Tomato love to make music together.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

27. Seems that Mr. Onion and Mr. Artichoke are tennis buddies.

However, I'm sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you're not sure you'd want to peel off.

However, I’m sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you’re not sure you’d want to peel off.

28. A nun’s habit depends on its color. Judge wisely.

Let's just say I don't think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

Let’s just say I don’t think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

29. You can’t have a biblical feast without salt and pepper shakers of Adam and Eve.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they're naked.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they’re naked. Talk about making original sin looking adorable.

30. Sorry, Rover, only salt and pepper coming from these bones.

Yes, I'm sure Rover wouldn't want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he's bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

Yes, I’m sure Rover wouldn’t want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he’s bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

31. Seems like someone at this table is busted.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they're both of the same race. Let's just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they’re both of the same race. Let’s just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

32. These two Smokeys say that only you can prevent forest fires. Courtesy of the National Park Service.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

33. Seems like bread from this toaster comes out two ways: white or burnt.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you're crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you’re crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

34. Oh, my God, there are giant ants at our picnic!

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

35. Of course, bachelor pad can’t do without a cruet of a big boobed topless woman.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

36. Of course, many people might think the idea of having a salt and pepper shaker depicting a kewpie on the toilet cute.

Now I wouldn't want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that's just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

Now I wouldn’t want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that’s just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

37. Presenting to you all, I give you butt shakers.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I'm keeping myself mum on this.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I’m keeping myself mum on this.

38. Now this salt and pepper shaker set is fit for Picasso’s dinner table.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they'd probably wouldn't be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they’d probably wouldn’t be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

39. Of course, if you want to throw a really fancy dinner, then you must have fancy salt and pepper shakers to go with it.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it's a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it’s a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

40. Would you want your dinner served by Mr. S. Dolphin or Mr. P. Shark.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

41. Nothing graces your dinner table like salt and pepper shakers depicting a baby doll’s head.

Okay, now there's no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they're going to make your guests think that there's something wrong with you. Like you're Hannibal Lecter.

Okay, now there’s no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they’re going to make your guests think that there’s something wrong with you. Like you’re Hannibal Lecter.

42. Of course, you can always put your salt and pepper in paint tubes.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

43. When it comes to dachshunds, it all has to come out somewhere.

Now I'm sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I'm not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

Now I’m sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I’m not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

44. Out of the goodness of their hearts, I’m sure Brother Simon and Brother Peter will bless your meals.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they're singing a chant. But I'm sure they're on a vow of silence.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they’re singing a chant. But I’m sure they’re on a vow of silence.

45. Press S for salt and P for pepper. It’s easy.

Now I'm sure these are still in the packaging. However, they're keyboard keys so I'll allow it.

Now I’m sure these are still in the packaging. However, they’re keyboard keys so I’ll allow it. Still, not sure what they’d look outside the box.

46. In this bowling cruet, the ball sits between two pins.

And I'm sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I'm not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

And I’m sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I’m not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

47. Of course, you can’t have a monster Halloween party without some eyeballs to hold the condiments.

Now that's creepy and kind of gross. Actually it's really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

Now that’s creepy and kind of gross. Actually it’s really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

48. Of course, you can’t have a great dinner party without putting your condiments in rings.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

49. Seems like Pa is full of piss while Ma is full of shit.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they're tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they’re tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

50. You can always have fun in the sun with these salt and pepper shaker flip flops.

Now I'm sure they're not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can't wear them on the beach or in the shower.

Now I’m sure they’re not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can’t wear them on the beach or in the shower.

51. Excuse me, but can you please pass me the heroin and cocaine?

Let's just hope that you don't use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

Let’s just hope that you don’t use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

52. When it comes to whether Jesus was white or black, perhaps you might want both renditions on the dinner table.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who'd more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who’d more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

53. Guess salt has the whiskers and the pepper has the mustache.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I'm sure they shouldn't be played with. But they do look cool, though.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I’m sure they shouldn’t be played with. But they do look cool, though.

54. Nothing makes dinner better than putting your salt and pepper in llama heads.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy.  Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy. Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

55. With salt and pepper shakers like these, I’m utterly stumped.

Okay, they may be logs. But I'm sure they're not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can't tell.

Okay, they may be logs. But I’m sure they’re not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can’t tell.

56. Why choose between Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White when you can have both at your second breakfast table.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, "You shall not pass!" Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, “You shall not pass!” Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

57. Nothing graces your garden party table like a cruet of a mooning gnome.

Now it's one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it's another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

Now it’s one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it’s another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

58. Of course, no hunting lodge table would be complete without these gamey condiment containers.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they're used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they’re used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

59. At dinner, you can’t ignore these cute ninja salt and pepper shakers on the table.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn't dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn’t dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

60. Now these film canister shakers seem so picture perfect.

However, if you're not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they're probably much bigger than the real things.

However, if you’re not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they’re probably much bigger than the real things.

61. Of course, these skulls are sure to lighten up a dead audience. Or maybe not.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet's "Alas poor Yorick," but they might do. Still, some people might find skull  shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet’s “Alas poor Yorick,” but they might do. Still, some people might find skull shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

62. Of course, why not salt and pepper your meal with pee and poop?

Still, despite their cute faces, they're kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed.

Still, despite their cute faces, they’re kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed. Also, might crush a few appetites in the process.

63. With shakers like these, they will be a nice gift for any school teacher or co-worker at the office.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I'm sure you can't use the pink parts as erasers.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I’m sure you can’t use the pink parts as erasers.

64. Hey, I didn’t know they had unicorns in two different colors.

I'm sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they'll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

I’m sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they’ll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

65. These battery shakers have indicators that remind you when to refill.

And it seems that they've been used quite a bit since they're both half filled. Of course, it's apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

And it seems that they’ve been used quite a bit since they’re both half filled. Of course, it’s apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

66. Nothing makes a great addition to the dinner table than having your condiments in disembodied baby arms.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren't disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren’t disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

67. Your dinner table is never complete without salt and pepper shakers derived from severed baby legs.

Now that's disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you're a serial killer.

Now that’s disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you’re a serial killer.

68. Of course, these salt and pepper shakers will bring the ornate sense of wonder from the Middle East to your dinner table.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I'm sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can't show their hair.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I’m sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can’t show their hair.

69. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

70. May this medieval cruet make a fine royal and holy addition to your table.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn't look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn’t look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

71. Nothing makes a table look better than squirrel salt and pepper shakers.

Now I'm sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

Now I’m sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

72. Of course, Spock wouldn’t think these kind of shakers would be logical.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don't know which one is which.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don’t know which one is which.

73. I’m sure you’re summer luau will be a hit with these bongo drum shakers at your table.

Now I'm sure they'd go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

Now I’m sure they’d go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

74. Of course, you can’t have dinner without a place to go on.

Now I'm sure you'll find both of these in a men's room. And only one of these in the ladies' room. Still, they're probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

Now I’m sure you’ll find both of these in a men’s room. And only one of these in the ladies’ room. Still, they’re probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

75. Now these would be perfect for any table during road season.

Now I'm familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I'm not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I'd go with fluorescent yellow.

Now I’m familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I’m not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I’d go with fluorescent yellow.

76. Not sure if you want to roll these dice. You might spill something.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren't used for games or gambling. They're used for food.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren’t used for games or gambling. They’re used for food.

77. Now I wonder how these women walk with big TV screens on their heads.

It's said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there's something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they're quite freaky, too.

It’s said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there’s something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they’re quite freaky, too.

78. “I’m a doctor, not a pepper shaker.”

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they're from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they’re from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

79. Of course, you can’t have a super dinner without Superman and Wonder Woman.

Now I'm sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other's from an island of Amazons. Still, they're both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn't be caught dead in.

Now I’m sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other’s from an island of Amazons. Still, they’re both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

80. “Pepper, my dear, I don’t give a salt.”

Yes, I'm sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I'll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Yes, I’m sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I’ll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Fun with Rugs

orientalrug1

Whether as a welcome mat or as carpeting, rugs have been around for quite some time.Now rugs are said to have existed from the 2nd millennium BCE in the Middle East as we know it. But it’s said that they might’ve been making these things since the 7th millennium BCE which means that rugs have been around longer than writing. Nevertheless, almost every culture in the world has some kind of carpeting from the Middle East to India, China, and Siberia. Of course, while most people use rugs and carpeting to cover their floors, some also hang them on their wall either to muffle sound (like music and band rooms) or for decoration. Now I can spend this post talking about all the wonderful kinds of rugs out there but you’d probably get board after I show you enough from the Middle East. So instead, I’ll show you a few of the unusual variety. Sure many of them might look cool but some will look quite tacky. Others may be taken from pop culture references as well. Yet, none of them would be like Aladdin has. So without further adieu, here are some of the unique rugs for your reading pleasure.

1. Some dogs will do anything for some juicy ribs.

Of course, the dog might've placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it's a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

Of course, the dog might’ve placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it’s a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

2. Now you can have a room all by yourself with this chalk outline guy crime scene rug.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

3. This rug will make the perfect tapestry for the hunting lodge come next deer hunting season.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time:  playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn't want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they're smoking and drinking beer.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn’t want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they’re smoking and drinking beer.

4. This rug will go great with the hardwood flooring.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don't know whether it's quite clever or quite lame.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don’t know whether it’s quite clever or quite lame. Either way, I’m sure nobody would want it.

5. For the Pinellas County, Florida sheriff’s office, it’s always, “In Dog We Trust.”

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it's quite funny.

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it’s quite funny.

6. While most homes have welcome mats, I’m not sure if this qualifies.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

7. Of course, while bears may be endangered in your area, you can always go with a demon rug to scare people.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I'm not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I’m not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

8. Sometimes when it comes to rugs, some people prefer to be brief or tidy white.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it's for a single guy's bathroom, I'm not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it’s for a single guy’s bathroom, I’m not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

9. When it comes to rugs, occasionally the bigger and fluffier the better.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

10. In this living room carpet, a polar bear stands alone on an iceberg.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

11. A rug like this might also double as furniture.

It's also shaped like you'd see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it's much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

It’s also shaped like you’d see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it’s much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

12. Man, looking at a rug like this makes me want to go out and skin a Persian bear.

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

13. Now I have to admit that this rug really ties the room together.

Now this rug is of the Dude's face from The Big Lebowski. Let's just say, you'll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

Now this rug is of the Dude’s face from The Big Lebowski. Let’s just say, you’ll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

14. As far as the Dude may say, this rug abides.

Now this rug contains items you'd associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I'm sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

Now this rug contains items you’d associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I’m sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

15. Of course, you and your friends will never know who made these tracks.

I'm sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

I’m sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

16. Guess the bloody footprints on this bath mat might leave a lot to the imagination.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

17. Seems like these rugs are the skins of Elmo and the Abominable Snowman.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I'm not sure you'd want either of them in a home with children.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I’m not sure you’d want either of them in a home with children.

18. Finally, a rug that can tell you the time of day.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

19. Now if someone had a rug like this, I might want to question their sanity.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

20. Seems like Cookie Monster couldn’t resist those Chips Ahoy in his final moments.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

21. If you can’t afford a chalk outline crime scene rug, then this body rug will do nicely.

Hmmm....now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you're awesome. Either way, it'll make a great conversation piece.

Hmmm….now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you’re awesome. Either way, it’ll make a great conversation piece.

22. Now with a carpet like this, you can play hopscotch in all kinds of weather.

And you don't have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

And you don’t have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

23. Now this Band Aid rug is sure to go well with many rooms in your house or medical office.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor's office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it's quite long and narrow, too.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor’s office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it’s quite long and narrow, too.

24. Step right up and have this rug guess your weight.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

25. Sometimes doormats can really elicit a lot of mixed messages on occasions.

Looking at this mat, I'm not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

Looking at this mat, I’m not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

26. Now your door mat can look just like any ordinary manhole cover.

Of course, I'm sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you'd probably be disappointed that lifting it won't lead you to a sewer.

Of course, I’m sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you’d probably be disappointed that lifting it won’t lead you to a sewer.

27. I’m not sure if I want to walk into the middle if I were you.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That's what I thought.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That’s what I thought.

28. I suppose this person prefers that we ring.

Seems like they're not fond of visitors or they're really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don't want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

Seems like they’re not fond of visitors or they’re really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don’t want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

29. Of course, all this rug cost were two over easy.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

30. A rug like this can be flipped according to the season.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

31. Though some may play video games, who can boast having a video game controller rug?

I'm guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I'm not sure. Guess I didn't grow up with video games back in the day.

I’m guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I’m not sure. Guess I didn’t grow up with video games back in the day.

32. Grace your living space with a rug that goes with the topography.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

33. Wouldn’t you want a shag carpet that could just keep you warm on cold days?

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn't recommend it for anyone.

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn’t recommend it for anyone.

34. Now this rug will certainly go well with the woodwork at this establishment.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I'm just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I’m just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

35. Oh, God, looks like someone spilled something on the carpet again.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

36. Nothing gives a room character than a rug of a hedge row maze.

Of course, I'm not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

Of course, I’m not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

37. Guess who ever has this rug is a big Lionel Ritchie fan.

Let's just say I'm not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it's used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

Let’s just say I’m not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it’s used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

38. Nothing makes a room better than a rug of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I'm not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I’m not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

39. Guess whoever designed this exotic rugs might’ve been under the influence or was just plain incompetent.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can't say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can’t say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

40. Now I don’t know where these stairs lead to. But I’m not sure if I want to try.

Then again, it's just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can't.

Then again, it’s just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can’t.

41. Mind that you keep an eye on the floor when you get in.

Of course, when I said, "eye on the floor" I didn't mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

Of course, when I said, “eye on the floor” I didn’t mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

42. Guess if you’re one of those bullrogs, you might want to pass this one.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I'm sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I’m sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

43. Nothing makes a room look badass than a rug with Hitler’s head on it.

I've seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he's probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don't know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler's List. Okay, that's too depressing so you'd better go with The Great Dictator.

I’ve seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he’s probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don’t know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler’s List. Okay, that’s too depressing so you’d better go with The Great Dictator.

44. Commemorate the Iraq War, with this genuine rug of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I'm sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I’m sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

45. Not sure how the tire marks got there on this living room rug. Not sure if I want to find out.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it's hard for me to explain.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it’s hard for me to explain.

46. Enjoy a White Russian with your friends on this one-of-a-kind Big Lebowski rug.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

47. For you meat lovers out there, this rug of kielbasa will do quite nicely.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It's hard to say.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It’s hard to say.

48. I’m sure an old timey mustache welcome mat will make your guests feel right at home.

I don't know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, "Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy."

I don’t know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, “Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy.”

49. As I’ve said before, there ain’t a better rug like an Oreo rug for the living room.

Of course, it doesn't seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I'm sure Nabisco would approve.

Of course, it doesn’t seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I’m sure Nabisco would approve.

50. If you like rocks and geology, this geode rug will do just nicely.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I'm kind of a stickler for symmetry. It's what I'm used to so don't ask me.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I’m kind of a stickler for symmetry. It’s what I’m used to so don’t ask me.

51. Nothing can make a Marvel fan’s day than having a Captain America shield rug in their bathroom.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

52. Add a little Mexican flavor into your living room with this pinata skin rug.

However, though it's quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn't contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

However, though it’s quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn’t contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

53. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a rug containing roadkill.

Actually you can because I'm sure this won't go well with visitors who'd think you're quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

Actually you can because I’m sure this won’t go well with visitors who’d think you’re quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it’s pretty disgusting.

54. Of course, everyone has their own way of saying “go away” now and then.

As you know, by "blow this joint" it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it's most likely the latter.

As you know, by “blow this joint” it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it’s most likely the latter.

55. Now this rug is guaranteed to give you the ultimate Big Lebowski experience (besides watching the movie of course).

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you'd recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you’d recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

56. Why play Pacman on the screen while you can play it on the floor?

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I'm sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I’m sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

57. For those who love Nintendo, you might like this Super Mario Brothers map rug.

Unfortunately, I'm sure the princess is in another castle. And I'm positive that it's not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

Unfortunately, I’m sure the princess is in another castle. And I’m positive that it’s not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

58. For those Atari fans who didn’t care for Pacman, here’s a rug commemorating Space Invaders.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

59. With this KISS rug you can rock and roll all night as well as party every day.

Now I'm not a fan of KISS but let's just say I couldn't pass this one up. Well, because it's certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don't particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

Now I’m not a fan of KISS but let’s just say I couldn’t pass this one up. Well, because it’s certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don’t particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

60. Any die hard Star Wars fan would know that you can’t possibly do without a rug of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I've seen Han Solo's carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo’s carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

61. Guess there’s nothing to see here. Guess we came to the wrong house.

Of course, let's just say this won't go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like "Harold Smith" or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

Of course, let’s just say this won’t go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like “Harold Smith” or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

62. Beware of Bunnies. Guess it’s time for me to come armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

63. Guess this belongs to a guy who works in computers. Wonder why I get that impression?

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

64. Guess someone needs to teach this cat how to bowl for tuna.

If it's not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it's cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

If it’s not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it’s cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

65. Have your kid reenact their favorite Star Wars scene with this Death Star rug.

However, remember this is not a moon, it's a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

However, remember this is not a moon, it’s a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

66. For video nerds, this rug will do quite nicely in your entertainment center.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it's probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it’s probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

67. For your ugly Christmas sweater party, celebrate the season with this ugly Christmas rug.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

68. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a 420 tie dye rug for your stoner friends.

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I'm not sure if it's the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, "Don't fear the reefer, man."

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I’m not sure if it’s the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, “Don’t fear the reefer, man.”

69. Nothing satisfies the house of a true Star Wars fan than a fuzzy rug of a wampa’s skin.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature's arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or  in A New Hope.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature’s arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

70. When you slay a werewolf, remember his hide makes a great rug on your living room floor.

Let's just hope that this isn't the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn't mind if it was Taylor Lautner's character from Twilight though. Now that's a werewolf who should be skinned.

Let’s just hope that this isn’t the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if it was Taylor Lautner’s character from Twilight though. Now that’s a werewolf who should be skinned.

71. I’m sure nothing brings you in memory lane like an old cassette tape rug.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I'm sure the youngest two wouldn't know what a cassette is.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I’m sure the youngest two wouldn’t know what a cassette is.

72. Of course, a real Pittsburgh Steeler fan can’t show his or her support for the team without a Terrible Towel welcome mat.

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I'm afraid you can't go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I'm just kidding).

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I’m afraid you can’t go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I’m just kidding).

73. Seems like somebody really doesn’t want to be bothered at the moment.

Yeah, I'm sure there's somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

Yeah, I’m sure there’s somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

74. Well, that’s one way of warding off burglars.

Then again, it's always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they're really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

Then again, it’s always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they’re really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

75. On this Enterprise rug, you can go where no man has gone before.

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain Kirk?

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain James T. Kirk?

76. Imagine yourself a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with this Millennium Falcon rug.

Sure you might think Han Solo's ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it's kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy's van in high school.

Sure you might think Han Solo’s ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it’s kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy’s van in high school.

77. Now this must’ve been quite a ferocious monster in its day.

Not sure what it is. But I'd sure as hell don't want to be anywhere near it. Let's hope it's dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy's living room.

Not sure what it is. But I’d sure as hell don’t want to be anywhere near it. Let’s hope it’s dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy’s living room.

78. Welcome and greetings, doggy style.

As someone who's been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other's butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it's disgusting.

As someone who’s been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other’s butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it’s disgusting.

79. Dog hiding in bushes, act as if nothing is going on. Just act natural and casual.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that's all.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that’s all.

80. “Speak friend and enter.”

Now we just have to find what's the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it's the Mines of Moira, I really don't want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Now we just have to find what’s the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it’s the Mines of Moira, I really don’t want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

The Strange World of Ceramic Mugs

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Ever since humans learned to make something to carry their consumable liquid and put their food on, it wasn’t long until they started wanting to have their personal drinking vessels to carry some personal touch. Thus, ceramics have become an art form as well as a practical house ware ever since. In fact, every civilization on earth basically has their own set of decorated ceramics and there are many archaeologists who can tell you where certain ceramics are from and what they were used for based on decoration alone. Of course, mugs are such a common feature in daily life that you can buy one from basically anywhere but the grocery store. Seriously, you can buy one as a souvenir if you go on vacation or if you want to buy someone a present. Nevertheless, in our 21st century, most people use mugs for their drinks as well as have them customized to their own designs. Some have pictures, some have words, and some don’t have anything at all. People have even made their own mugs in pottery classes. Now I can go on and on about all the great mugs out there, but you’d think it would be boring. So instead, I’ll show some of the tackiest mugs out there you wouldn’t want to miss. So for your reading pleasure, here are some specimens from the strange world of ceramic mugs. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work. Don’t ask. Oh, and not all will actually be made from ceramic by the way, it’s just the default material.

1. If you love peacocks, then this set of mugs would be simply to die for.

Now if I saw these at a person's house, then I'd question their taste in interior housewares. Seriously, I expect these to be found at a house with at least one pink flamingo on their lawn minimum.

Now if I saw these at a person’s house, then I’d question their taste in interior housewares. Seriously, I expect these to be found at a house with at least one pink flamingo on their lawn minimum.

2. Now this mug tells you exactly what it’s for.

Now if there's a chemist or chemistry major in your life, this would be the perfect gift for them. And yes, that molecule is caffeine, the pick me up for the masses.

Now if there’s a chemist or chemistry major in your life, this would be the perfect gift for them. And yes, that molecule is caffeine, the pick me up for the masses.

3. Now I’m udderly confused? Is this used for milk or tea?

Now this is a Cow Breast Shaped Milk Glass Mug. You heard me. I'm sure no milk is coming from those udders or in them. Perfect for the dairy farmer's morning coffee.

Now this is a Cow Breast Shaped Milk Glass Mug. You heard me. I’m sure no milk is coming from those udders or in them. Perfect for the dairy farmer’s morning coffee.

4. If you’re looking for something to give a person who loves the 1980s and videogames, this is the perfect mug for them.

I'm sure this Atari game mug will bring anyone into feeling 1980s nostalgia. That, or help someone stay awake long enough to play videogames.

I’m sure this Atari game mug will bring anyone into feeling 1980s nostalgia. That, or help someone stay awake long enough to play videogames.

5. For the golfer in your life, this one will help them improve their game before venturing to the country club.

Of course, I wonder if it's more suited for those who play miniature golf. Just a hunch. I mean the golf club and ball are really, really tiny.

Of course, I wonder if it’s more suited for those who play miniature golf. Just a hunch. I mean the golf club and ball are really, really tiny.

6. “All right, stop right there, give me your coffee or your life.”

Now this is the gun every gangster reaches for first thing in the morning, every morning. Tony Soprano must have one of these or I'll be damned. Seriously, it's a perfect coffee mug for him.

Now this is the gun every gangster reaches for first thing in the morning, every morning. Tony Soprano must have one of these or I’ll be damned. Seriously, it’s a perfect coffee mug for him.

7. Once you’re done your coffee, you can use this mug to recycle it and protect the planet.

Yes, this may appear eco-friendly. But I wonder if it goes with similar mugs that resemble a garbage and biohazard bins respectively. Also, is this one for paper or plastic?

Yes, this may appear eco-friendly. But I wonder if it goes with similar mugs that resemble a garbage and biohazard bins respectively. Also, is this one for paper or plastic?

8. With this Black Knight mug, if anyone but you shall drink from it, then they shall die.

Of course, unlike the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this one doesn't come with limbs to hack off. Which kind of takes all the fun out of it.

Of course, unlike the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this one doesn’t come with limbs to hack off. Which kind of takes all the fun out of it.

9. For the chemist or anyone majoring in chemistry, this mug is great whether in the home or in the lab.

Of course, if you want to use it for both lab and home, make sure you wash and dry it before either use. You don't want anything unfortunate happen.

Of course, if you want to use it for both lab and home, make sure you wash and dry it before either use. You don’t want anything unfortunate happen like an accident.

10. Practice your basketball skills with this mug of a ball and court.

Of course, it's best for hot chocolate so you can put the mini marshmallows through the basket. Also great to drink from during March Madness.

Of course, it’s best for hot chocolate so you can put the mini marshmallows through the basket. Also great to drink from during March Madness.

11. This mug seems to stand on its own two feet.

Of course, I don't know what to think about the human feet though. Seems kind of creepy in a way. Like something from  a creepy surrealist film.

Of course, I don’t know what to think about the human feet though. Seems kind of creepy in a way. Like something from a creepy surrealist film.

12. A guy always needs a cup of joe before he goes behind a bulldozer.

Now I'm sure this kind would make any male construction worker a laughingstock at work. Then again, maybe not. Still, pretty clever.

Now I’m sure this kind would make any male construction worker a laughingstock at work. Then again, maybe not. Still, pretty clever.

13. I’m sure the dial tells how hot your coffee is inside.

Then again, it might be for show. Still, it's said to be a hotrod type coffee mug. But it looks Steampunk to me for some reason. Even in bright red.

Then again, it might be for show. Still, it’s said to be a hotrod type coffee mug. But it looks Steampunk to me for some reason. Even in bright red.

14. With a mug like this, those knuckles will come in handy while you’re in a dark alley and know how to use them.

Of course, getting in a fight with this mug might ruin its use as a drinking vessel. Still, not sure how these would fare in hand to hand combat.

Of course, getting in a fight with this mug might ruin its use as a drinking vessel. Still, not sure how these would fare in hand to hand combat. Banned in Canada.

15. Get up in the morning with a cup from R2 D2.

R2 D2: most likely the most underrated character in the whole Star Wars franchise. Seriously, if it weren't for this ornery and courageous little droid, the good guys would be sunk. Yeah, basically saves everyone's ass.

R2 D2: most likely the most underrated character in the whole Star Wars franchise. Seriously, if it weren’t for this ornery and courageous little droid, the good guys would be sunk. Yeah, basically saves everyone’s ass.

16. Though coffee is seen as a morning beverage, ninjas tend to drink it under cover of darkness.

Of course, this ninja is cute. But still, real Japanese ninjas didn't dress in black. Their penchant for invisibility was psychological. Rather they typically dressed like peasants who no high ranking Japanese samurai would suspect. Oh, and most ninjas were samurai in Japan.

Of course, this ninja is cute. But still, real Japanese ninjas didn’t dress in black. Their penchant for invisibility was psychological. Rather they typically dressed like peasants who no high ranking Japanese samurai would suspect. Oh, and most ninjas were samurai in Japan.

17. For couples, you always want a distinctive mug to distinguish from your significant other.

I try to keep any images of private parts to a minimum. But since these mugs are among the worst things to give any couple, I had to make special mention. Seriously, I'm not sure if anyone would want to be seen at home with these, let alone in public.

I try to keep any images of private parts to a minimum. But since these mugs are among the worst things to give any couple, I had to make special mention. Seriously, I’m not sure if anyone would want to be seen at home with these, let alone in public.

18. This battle designed mug was made to handle anything.

Now how is in the hell is this a battle designed mug? It looks like it was made from plastic, which isn't the strongest material. Oh, you can put your guns on it. Seriously, why does this even exist?

Now how is in the hell is this a battle designed mug? It looks like it was made from plastic, which isn’t the strongest material. Oh, you can put your guns on it. Seriously, why does this even exist?

19. When on an assignment, photographers love to get some zoom in action from their morning brew.

Let's hope a real photographer doesn't get this camera lens mug mixed up with a real camera lens. It can get awkward.

Let’s hope a real photographer doesn’t get this camera lens mug mixed up with a real camera lens. It can get awkward.

20. I’m sure when you see a yellow triangle with an exclamation mark, you should know not to mess with the contents.

Unfortunately, someone didn't listen and pulled the plug. Resulted in a massive spill of hot coffee all over. Luckily no furniture was damaged.

Unfortunately, someone didn’t listen and pulled the plug. Resulted in a massive spill of hot coffee all over. Luckily no furniture was damaged.

21. For the more modern artistic type, this is one of the sleekest mugs money can buy.

Hmmm....not sure if it's practical as a drinking vessel. Also, seems a bit too artsy for my taste. I think a conventional mug is perfectly reasonable.

Hmmm….not sure if it’s practical as a drinking vessel. Also, seems a bit too artsy for my taste. I think a conventional mug is perfectly reasonable.

22. If you like to drink your coffee the way you sample soup, this slurp mug is for you.

Know what this can also be used for? Soup, no less. Also, you can even hang it on a hook if you want.

Know what this can also be used for? Soup, no less. Also, you can even hang it on a hook if you want. Man, I wonder what they cost on Amazon.

23. Of course, some people tend to lose it when they get angry and need caffeine.

Remind me to stay away from the guy who owns this mug. Seriously, flunking anger management really doesn't say much good about you, especially if your name is Bruce Banner.

Remind me to stay away from the guy who owns this mug. Seriously, flunking anger management really doesn’t say much good about you, especially if your name is Bruce Banner.

24. This mug makes you drink your coffee as if it’s from a porcelain pop can.

Man, I wonder if the ancient Chinese drank from porcelain pop cans. Probably not. Still, doesn't give off the aluminum after taste doesn't it.

Man, I wonder if the ancient Chinese drank from porcelain pop cans. Probably not. Still, doesn’t give off the aluminum after taste doesn’t it.

25. Hmmm….I wonder if that person’s drinking from a turd or is it just me?

Love the slogan on this:

Love the slogan on this: “Is it just me or is everything crap?” Well, I think it’s just then. But on the hand, many of the farmers in my neighborhood use cow shit as fertilizer.

26. Now this mug doubles as a boombox if you turn it on the side.

Now this doesn't actually play music since it's painted on. But you get the idea. Okay, c'mon, use your imagination.

Now this doesn’t actually play music since it’s painted on. But you get the idea. Okay, c’mon, use your imagination.

27. Ever wish you guys can drink beer from your cowboy boot? Well, now you can.

Well, if you're Cinderella of the Wild West, that is. Then again, she seems to leave one of these when she had to leave the hoe-down. Not sure if Sheriff Charming will follow her home.

Well, if you’re Cinderella of the Wild West, that is. Then again, she seems to leave one of these when she had to leave the hoe-down. Not sure if Sheriff Charming will follow her home.

28. Alas, Poor Yorick for Hamlet hath fashioned you into a drinking vessel for his morning joe.

Now I'm sure people will freak out if you drink something from this one like red wine. Even if it is made from porcelain.

Now I’m sure people will freak out if you drink something from this one like red wine. Even if it is made from porcelain.

29. I’m sure this mug will store your milk and your cookies in the same place.

Kind of strange that the mug has a human face with a big mouth. But at least it doesn't devour them. Still, quite a nifty device if I do say so myself.

Kind of strange that the mug has a human face with a big mouth. But at least it doesn’t devour them. Still, quite a nifty device if I do say so myself.

30. When it comes to drinking decaf, some people can be so judgmental and it shows.

Well, sure decaf is for wimps but it's like drinking coffee for the taste and not for the reason why most people drink coffee.

Well, sure decaf is for wimps but it’s like drinking coffee for the taste and not for the reason why most people drink coffee. Kind of defeats the whole purpose.

31. You’ve heard about coffee with donuts. So how about some coffee in your donut?

Now this would be a great mug to give that neighborhood police officer. Then again, he'd probably appreciate an actual donut much more.

Now this would be a great mug to give that neighborhood police officer. Then again, he’d probably appreciate an actual donut much more.

32. Now this is the kind of mug you’d want to give to somebody who loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Okay, napalm may not be radioactive but I'm sure it's quite explosive and you wouldn't want to be anywhere near it. Still, this grenade one is pretty crazy. At least it doesn't blow up when you pull the pin.

Okay, napalm may not be radioactive but I’m sure it’s quite explosive and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near it. Still, this grenade one is pretty crazy. At least it doesn’t blow up when you pull the pin.

33. For Sesame Street fans, this Cookie Monster mug will store your cookies and your coffee. And I’m sure your kids will love it.

As tacky as it seems, you can't hate this mug for God's sake. Seriously, everyone loves Cookie Monster even though he's not the best role model on Sesame Street since his dietary choices aren't the greatest. But we love him anyway.

As tacky as it seems, you can’t hate this mug for God’s sake. Seriously, everyone loves Cookie Monster even though he’s not the best role model on Sesame Street since his dietary choices aren’t the greatest. But we love him anyway.

34. Now this mug is able to indicate to your company whether to talk to you or not.

When it's full, it means they can't communicate in complete sentences. When it's half, it means they can't carry on a conversation. Only when it's nearly empty, you may talk.

When it’s full, it means they can’t communicate in complete sentences. When it’s half, it means they can’t carry on a conversation. Only when it’s nearly empty, you may talk.

35. Seems like someone prefers their coffee on the Dark Side.

And I'm sure if he doesn't like it, he'll probably force choke you until you suffocate to death. Must be a complete hell working for a guy like that. Cue

And I’m sure if he doesn’t like it, he’ll probably force choke you until you suffocate to death. Must be a complete hell working for a guy like that. Cue “Imperial March.”

36. Now this is a coffee mug that seems like 65 million years in the making or hanging around in the Jurassic Park souvenir shop.

However, I'm not sure why anyone would want to go to Jurassic Park. Seems like going to the park is an absolute death wish.

However, I’m not sure why anyone would want to go to Jurassic Park. Seems like going to the park is an absolute death wish.

37. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the boob mug.

Now this would be a great souvenir mug for some strip club or sex shop. Very bad commemorative gift to buy for anybody.

Now this would be a great souvenir mug for some strip club or sex shop. Very bad commemorative gift to buy for anybody.

38. Now this cow mug tends to stand on its udders.

I'm sure there's no milk in these udders but I'm sure it's tacky enough to go with those peacock mugs. Then again, it might be even in more poor taste.

I’m sure there’s no milk in these udders but I’m sure it’s tacky enough to go with those peacock mugs. Then again, it might be even in more poor taste.

39. Now this coffee mug appears to come from out of this world and land in some undisclosed location.

I wonder if they sell these on Roswell. Probably do. Seems like those crazy UFO seekers will go anywhere to see a flying saucer land, especially at a location of a recent UFO sighting.

I wonder if they sell these on Roswell. Probably do. Seems like those crazy UFO seekers will go anywhere to see a flying saucer land, especially at a location of a recent UFO sighting. Hate to know what the aliens put in their coffee, if they drink it at all.

40. Since there’s an obsession with women’s butts, I thought this would be an appropriate mug for our times.

Of course, this would be a great coffee mug for Kim Kardashian. Then again, I'm not sure if giving it to anyone else would be a compliment or an insult.

Of course, this would be a great coffee mug for Kim Kardashian. Then again, I’m not sure if giving it to anyone else would be a compliment or an insult.

41. Of course, in Louisiana, some coffee mugs have pelican bills.

Of course, you can hold liquids in its bill. Not sure how much. Hope none of it contains oil, after what happened with Deepwater Horizion in the Gulf of Mexico.

Of course, you can hold liquids in its bill. Not sure how much. Hope none of it contains oil, after what happened with Deepwater Horizion in the Gulf of Mexico.

42. Now this metal beer mug would make a fine addition to any man cave, and only in a man cave.

Now this is probably a perfect gift for a guy's pervy friend whose truck has the mudflaps with the naked ladies and a stash of porn. Then again, I'm not sure who'd really think getting a mug like this is a good idea.

Now this is probably a perfect gift for a guy’s pervy friend whose truck has the mudflaps with the naked ladies and a stash of porn. Then again, I’m not sure who’d really think getting a mug like this is a good idea.

43. Like your behind, your mug should also be covered in denim.

Think of it as a souvenir from the Levi's factory. Not sure whether they are 501s, 527s, 512, or 529s. Yeah, you learn how to identify the types of jeans while working in the men's department at Macy's over the holidays.

Think of it as a souvenir from the Levi’s factory. Not sure whether they are 501s, 527s, 512, or 529s. Yeah, you learn how to identify the types of jeans while working in the men’s department at Macy’s over the holidays.

44. In Scotland, even the mugs are wearing kilts down there.

Now this ceramic red kilt mug also has legs to go along with it. Nevertheless, I can't help whether they wear anything under there. Then again, I must've gotten me mind in the gutter.

Now this ceramic red kilt mug also has legs to go along with it. Nevertheless, I can’t help whether they wear anything under there. Then again, I must’ve gotten me mind in the gutter.

45. “That’s one small step for a mug, one giant leap for mug kind.”

Now this is a mug of the lunar module. But to me, it seems to resemble an alien spacecraft more or less. Guess the lunar module doesn't translate well in mug form.

Now this is a mug of the lunar module. But to me, it seems to resemble an alien spacecraft more or less. Guess the lunar module doesn’t translate well in mug form.

46. I don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t want to drink whatever’s in that mug.

Of course, this radioactive mug contains some of the best coffee grown fresh from the coffee plantations of Three Mile Island. Okay, I know Three Mile Island is in Pennsylvania and doesn't grow coffee, but it's not like I know any exotic coffee growing place that's famous for a nuclear meltdown.

Of course, this radioactive mug contains some of the best coffee grown fresh from the coffee plantations of Three Mile Island. Okay, I know Three Mile Island is in Pennsylvania and doesn’t grow coffee, but it’s not like I know any exotic coffee growing place that’s famous for a nuclear meltdown.

47. Of course, any Star Wars fan couldn’t do without a mug of an Imperial Stormtrooper.

Still, I'm not sure if I'd want to have an Imperial Stormtrooper coffee pot. Sure it will pour but it will always miss. Yeah, Imperial Stormtroppers never really seem to hit their targets for some reason.

Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to have an Imperial Stormtrooper coffee pot. Sure it will pour but it will always miss. Yeah, Imperial Stormtroopers never really seem to hit their targets for some reason.

48. Now this mug set seems to either be of Adam and Eve or from a nudist colony.

Either way, I wouldn't want to be caught dead drinking from either in front of kids or in public. Seriously, why do these even exist is beyond me. Do not buy.

Either way, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead drinking from either in front of kids or in public. Seriously, why do these even exist is beyond me. Do not buy.

49. Seems like this mummy got up on the wrong side of the sarcophagus this morning.

Yeah, you really don't want to anger a mummy in the morning. Best give them a cup of coffee to keep them under wraps so to speak.

Yeah, you really don’t want to anger a mummy in the morning. Best give them a cup of coffee to keep them under wraps so to speak.

50. Only in Myrtle Beach can you get a souvenir mug of a sunbathing man with one leg.

I'm sure this has to do with a design flaw of some type or anything in the artistic depiction. Still, it's quite weird even if you don't have anything against amputee sunbathers.

I’m sure this has to do with a design flaw of some type or anything in the artistic depiction. Still, it’s quite weird even if you don’t have anything against amputee sunbathers.

51. “All right, take two cups of espresso and call me in the morning.”

Seems that this person better check the dosage or else he or she might develop an addiction to medicinal coffee addiction. Yes, that bean is quite powerful stuff.

Seems that this person better check the dosage or else he or she might develop an addiction to medicinal coffee addiction. Yes, that bean is quite powerful stuff.

52. “Hello, I am Coffee bot and I am here to serve you.”

Okay, maybe it's not a real robot which actually works. Still, you'd want to pour coffee into him would you? Kind of disappointing he doesn't work though.

Okay, maybe it’s not a real robot which actually works. Still, you’d want to pour coffee into him would you? Kind of disappointing he doesn’t work though.

53. Lift off this morning with this one of a kind coffee mug.

Of course, when it it spills it's basically,

Of course, when it it spills it’s basically, “Houston, we have a problem.” Still, kind of wish it came with a lid because it seems more like half a rocket to me.

54. Sometimes people like to stack their mugs together, especially if they have their own boxes.

Seems like having a bunch of stackable brick mugs might be quite convenient to have. Then again, people might wonder why you're drinking from a square mug.

Seems like having a bunch of stackable brick mugs might be quite convenient to have. Then again, people might wonder why you’re drinking from a square mug.

55. Finally, now this is the kind of mug which can help you tell your boss what you really feel about him.

Okay, now as much as I think it's amusing, I'm not sure if you want to show your boss that mug. I mean fewer of us aren't working in unionized workplace. So George Jetson job security is very common, especially to low wage workers.

Okay, now as much as I think it’s amusing, I’m not sure if you want to show your boss that mug. I mean fewer of us aren’t working in unionized workplace. So George Jetson job security is very common, especially to low wage workers.

56. Of course, for those going to Hawaii this summer, I’m sure you’d want a tiki mug as as souvenir.

Man, tacky tiki stuff never gets old, doesn't it? I don't know about you but  culture biases aside, tiki  sometimes can range from cool to poor taste depending on the setting.

Man, tacky tiki stuff never gets old, doesn’t it? I don’t know about you but culture biases aside, tiki sometimes can range from cool to poor taste depending on the setting.

57. Why should you have to guess your coffee’s temperature when your mug can do it instead?

Now with this mug, I'm sure heating up your coffee will be much easier. Of course, you can also use something called,

Now with this mug, I’m sure heating up your coffee will be much easier. Of course, you can also use something called, “the hands.”

58. For the genius in your life, a Rubix Cube mug will help them solve their problems.

Of course, in order for the Rubix Cube to be a workable mug, it has to be solved first. Still, not sure if it takes the fun or frustration out of it.

Of course, in order for the Rubix Cube to be a workable mug, it has to be solved first. Still, not sure if it takes the fun or frustration out of it.

59. Of course, just because you shouldn’t have a dirty mouth, does not mean your mug shouldn’t either.

Okay, now these seem like they're straight out from Nasty Teeth.com. Unless the other person is in on the joke, these don't make very good gifts.

Okay, now these seem like they’re straight out from Nasty Teeth.com. Unless the other person is in on the joke, these don’t make very good gifts.

60. Now if a guy has a mug like this, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

This is especially the case when the person in question is none other than Dr. Bruce Banner. So yeah, you might want to get Dr. Banner his coffee before he, you know.

This is especially the case when the person in question is none other than Dr. Bruce Banner. So yeah, you might want to get Dr. Banner his coffee before he, you know.

61. Of course, when it comes to modern mug design, you should go with vibrant colors.

Now I like these. But I'm sure anyone who drinks from these is a hipster. But what the hell?

Now I like these. But I’m sure anyone who drinks from these is a hipster. But what the hell? Seems like a rather futuristic design if you get my drift.

62. Some people tend to wake up feeling like a horse’s ass.

Now I'm not sure what to make of this. I guess this is more of a gag gift for some people. Is there a head on the other side?

Now I’m not sure what to make of this. I guess this is more of a gag gift for some people. Is there a head on the other side?

63. For your under the sea mug collection, this pink octopus mug will do nicely.

Now I'm sure any maritime fan would want this in their collection. Wonder if it will freak out anyone or stand out like a sore thumb among some of the better looking maritime mugs. Kind of like the pink flamingo of maritime mugs.

Now I’m sure any maritime fan would want this in their collection. Wonder if it will freak out anyone or stand out like a sore thumb among some of the better looking maritime mugs. Kind of like the pink flamingo of maritime mugs.

64. Of course, it’s some companies’ custom to sell mugs with their logo on them this is from a power company.

I'm sure British Petroleum's company mug not only looks like an oil drum, but it also contains some salty black liquid inside of it. And I'm sure it's not coffee.

I’m sure British Petroleum’s company mug not only looks like an oil drum, but it also contains some salty black liquid inside of it. And I’m sure it’s not coffee.

65. Some people sleep till noon while others are found wide awake at the crack of dawn.

Okay, now this was probably made from some frat boy in pottery class. Still, I'm sure this is certainly not on the dark side of the moon.

Okay, now this was probably made from some frat boy in pottery class. Still, I’m sure this is certainly not on the dark side of the moon.

66. Of course, morning is the time of day when you can check your e-mail.

So I guess this is expensive as hell or doesn't really work. Talk about going online while you drink your coffee in the morning. Seems kind of ridiculous to me.

So I guess this is expensive as hell or doesn’t really work. Talk about going online while you drink your coffee in the morning. Seems kind of ridiculous to me.

67. In some pottery classes, there’s a fine line between what’s acceptable and what’s not. Still, these are downright sleazy.

I'm sure these would make perfect gifts for any  sleazy guy with a penchant for pottery. Still, I think nudity shouldn't be in ceramics for obvious reasons. Seriously, you want to have mugs with content that's at least PG-13.

I’m sure these would make perfect gifts for any sleazy guy with a penchant for pottery. Still, I think nudity shouldn’t be in ceramics for obvious reasons. Seriously, you want to have mugs with content that’s at least PG-13.

68. When it comes to creating mugs, you can pretty much make one from just about everything.

This seems like it was made of an aluminum can and some wooden handle. Looks like something a hobo might use. Then again, it appears too shiny for some reason.

This seems like it was made of an aluminum can and some wooden handle. Looks like something a hobo might use. Then again, it appears too shiny for some reason.

69. When it comes to morning routine, it’s said that coffee is known to get people wired up for the day.

Of course, I'm sure the wire is fake but it seems to make a great handle. Still, I think this is a pretty inventive mug if you think about it.

Of course, I’m sure the wire is fake but it seems to make a great handle. Still, I think this is a pretty inventive mug if you think about it.

70. Of course, when it comes to mugs, a real maritime fan has to have one of a fish in the darkest depths of the ocean.

On second thought, this deep sea fish is one of the ugliest sea creatures ever. I mean it's almost the stuff of nightmares. Why anyone would want to have mug like this is anyone's guess.

On second thought, this deep sea fish is one of the ugliest sea creatures ever. I mean it’s almost the stuff of nightmares. Why anyone would want to have mug like this is anyone’s guess.

71. “All right, men, let’s set our phasers to decaf just to be safe.”

Of course, all Starfleet officers must have their coffee, too. But I'm sure anyone wearing a red shirt will be more susceptible for spill burns. Because redshirts tend to be expendable  human cannon fodder.

Of course, all Starfleet officers must have their coffee, too. But I’m sure anyone wearing a red shirt will be more susceptible for spill burns. Because redshirts tend to be expendable human cannon fodder.

72. This mug seems to blur the lines between the notion of coffee mug and coffee machine.

Of course, if you use it as a coffee machine, what do we use under it? I think that's a viable question. Then again, maybe the machinery look is more for decoration.

Of course, if you use it as a coffee machine, what do we use under it? I think that’s a viable question. Then again, maybe the machinery look is more for decoration.

73. A fashionable lady always needs to drink her morning joe in style.

I'm not sure if a stiletto heel mug is very practical as a drinking vessel. Nevertheless, sort of give a whole new meaning to the word, "hip flask."

I’m not sure if a stiletto heel mug is very practical as a drinking vessel. Nevertheless, sort of give a whole new meaning to the word, “hip flask.”

74. With this rattler mug, nobody will ever dare drink your coffee ever again.

Now this is perhaps one of the most intimidating mugs I've ever seen. Seems like this rattlesnake really isn't too happy and guards his morning joe with a vigilance.

Now this is perhaps one of the most intimidating mugs I’ve ever seen. Seems like this rattlesnake really isn’t too happy and guards his morning joe with a vigilance.

75. Be at the height of fashion with this trendy zebra print handbag mug.

Of course, while some may think this fancy mug is the most fashionable thing you'd see in the Prada break room, I think it's as tacky as any overpriced handbag they sell on Saks Fifth Avenue. Sorry, but I'm no fan of the high fashion industry or the concept of wearing expensive name brand clothes made from the hands of children in some Third World country.

Of course, while some may think this fancy mug is the most fashionable thing you’d see in the Prada break room, I think it’s as tacky as any overpriced handbag they sell on Saks Fifth Avenue. Sorry, but I’m no fan of the high fashion industry or the concept of wearing expensive name brand clothes made from the hands of children in some Third World country.

76. Sometimes a handy coffee mug can also make a useful paperweight.

Now I'm sure this would definitely appear in the Jurassic Park gift shop. Then again, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a dinosaur's foot anyway. Could come from any reptile as I see it.

Now I’m sure this would definitely appear in the Jurassic Park gift shop. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur’s foot anyway. Could come from any reptile as I see it.

77. Want to know where a driver’s coffee goes? Perhaps this mug will tell you.

Now according to this, very little of the coffee in the mug actually gets sipped. However most of it is either thrown out in the parking lot or spilled over on someone's brand new jacket.

Now according to this, very little of the coffee in the mug actually gets sipped. However most of it is either thrown out in the parking lot or spilled over on someone’s brand new jacket.

78. Of course, a coffee mug from the Hundred Acre Wood can be quite deceptive in its use.

I'm sure Winnie the Pooh has fans of all ages from kids to adults. But having a coffee mug as a one of Pooh's honey pots, well, I'm not so sure.

I’m sure Winnie the Pooh has fans of all ages from kids to adults. But having a coffee mug as a one of Pooh’s honey pots, well, I’m not so sure.

79. Is this an upside down mug right side up or just a regular mug upside down?

The glaze tells me that it might be a mug that's supposed to look upside down. But I'm not sure if it goes too deep. Yet, I'm sure  this might cause some confusion.

The glaze tells me that it might be a mug that’s supposed to look upside down. But I’m not sure if it goes too deep. Yet, I’m sure this might cause some confusion.

80. Of course, have your coffee in a mug that’s designed like a water cooler at some high school or college football game.

Of course, it's well known what's in this mug so you don't have to pour it out on someone after a team victory. Then again, I have no idea why football players dump these things on themselves after a game. Must be tradition. Still, I think the design is quite clever for some reason.

Of course, it’s well known what’s in this mug so you don’t have to pour it out on someone after a team victory. Then again, I have no idea why football players dump these things on themselves after a game. Must be tradition. Still, I think the design is quite clever for some reason.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 8-Maintenance

Great House: At Downton Abbey, the maintenance staff isn't seen much because their jobs are so shitty. Yet, how do expect this estate be kept up in such condition as this? And how do expect the clothes being washed? Not to mention, the matter with visitors.

Great House: At Downton Abbey, the maintenance staff isn’t seen much because their jobs are so shitty. Yet, how do expect this estate be kept up in such condition as this? And how do expect the clothes being washed? Not to mention, the matter with visitors.

My last post on servants at Downton Abbey falls under the notion of maintenance and upkeep. Now I know I’ve covered a bit of it when I did the one on maids. However, maintenance involves more than just cleaning and making things look nice. Sure Downton may have maids, butlers, footmen, and other attendants but you never really see them perform tasks like repair work, restoration, heavy lifting, collecting garbage, replacing light bulbs, laundry, checking pipes, upholstery, electrical work, security monitoring and other tasks needed to keep up such a stately home. I mean, how did that telephone managed to be installed in Carson’s office? Must have a handyman around somewhere. Sure I understand that this is a show, but we never see any of those servants doing that kind of work at all. So it’s very likely that Downton employs certain people who do the actual handiwork we don’t see. Then again, some of the maintenance servants aren’t people who live on the premises and may come to the estate on a daily or weekly basis. Others may live at Downton but we never see them since they may have their own cottage, perform tasks at a different time, or have a job of such low status that they can’t even be seen at the servant halls. Then again, they may perform jobs that might cause some discomfort in the viewer watching the show and ruin the idyllic life this series tries to portray. Yet, many of the people who had these thankless and miserable maintenance jobs  help make the Crawleys’ lives possible and the other servants’ lives much easier. So perhaps when season 6 is in production, maybe Julian Fellowes should add a few laundry maids and a handyman at Downton. Maybe the handyman can  be a love interest for Daisy, Thomas, or Mrs. Patmore. How about include a chimney sweep? Well, it worked for Mary Poppins and Charles Dickens. Hey, it’s worth a shot. Besides, they can’t just have maintenance work on Downton Abbey be limited to Moseley doing road work or carrying boxes. Nevertheless, without further adieu, here’s a list of some servants who probably do the least recognized and most thankless work at Downton Abbey, those from the maintenance department.

1. Doorman or Porter
Function: Responsibilities similar to that of a hall boy but mostly for building security such as taking calling cards, screening guests, and granting admission.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he received a fair wage and compensation such as an annual salary of 30 pounds ($3,200) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and may be addressed by first name. Reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm or when the family was expecting guests such as special events.
Typical Candidate: Usually an older man who’s most likely a well regarded former footman or under butler who hasn’t been promoted to butler and valet as well as may be on his way out.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since Carson performs most of this position’s duties anyway.

2. Handyman
Function: Responsible for repairs, maintenance, and other odd jobs that might include light plumbing, painting, and electrical work.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they were handsomely compensated for their duties as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man skilled in a variety of trades, particularly carpentry. Yet, this was considered a semi-skilled job.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, someone probably does considering the estate couldn’t survive without one. Yet, the ground staff aren’t the main focus of the show.

3. Useful Man

Useful Man: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position designated to a former valet who'd do pretty much anything to pay the bills after his master got crushed by his sports car whether it's lifting, road work, or being a footman on a temporary then permanent basis. Chronic unemployment is a bitch.

Useful Man: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position designated to a former valet who’d do pretty much anything to pay the bills after his master got crushed by his sports car whether it’s lifting, road work, or being a footman on a temporary then permanent basis. Chronic unemployment is a bitch.

Function: A general male domestic worker who performs a series of small jobs as needed to his employers. May range from cooking, cleaning, maintenance, and repair as well as bookkeeping or inventory.
Pay and Benefits: Depends on his responsibilities as well as wealth and size of the household.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff ranking below a footman but above a hall boy. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler. However, he never entered the dining room or waited on the master of the house.
Hours: Depends on the household or employer.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man at least in his teens or older.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but Joseph Moseley is probably the closest thing to one on the show, especially in Season 4.

4. Charwoman

Charwoman: Probably the job Ethel had before turning to prostitution to support herself and her son. Might've been one while working as a prostitute, too. Guess it didn't pay as well as she hoped.

Charwoman: Probably the job Ethel had before turning to prostitution to support herself and her son. Might’ve been one while working as a prostitute, too. Guess it didn’t pay as well as she hoped, unsurprisingly.

Function: Female cleaner responsible for household maintenance and odd chores. Usually worked for people who couldn’t afford a maid of all work.
Pay and Benefits: They came fairly cheap than most household servants.
Status: Considered casual staff in that they didn’t live on the estate.
Hours: Usually depends on when they could find work.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman of any age or disposition as long as she was poor.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey, but I’m sure it did exist in Great Britain at the time. Then again, Ethel might’ve tried to be one before becoming a prostitute. Maybe she was working as one during her tenure as well.

5. Odd Job Man
Function: Responsible for the heavy lifting of the house, replacing oil lamps, carrying logs for the maids to make fires in the fireplaces, as well as carrying hot water for the baths.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey though an estate of that size would at least have one.

6. Dust Man
Function: Responsible for collecting trash or garbage from the estate.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they came pretty cheap.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: Hired at the estate on a weekly basis, particularly on garbage day.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man from the lower classes. Could be of any age or even have a family.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone else does since the estate must generate a lot of garbage.

7. Chimney Sweep
Function: Responsible for clearing ash and soot from the chimney and fireplace.
Pay and Benefits: Depends on age and level of skill as well as the times.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: Worked as needed.
Typical Candidate: Depends on the times. By the Edwardian period it was usually a grown man who’s trained to clean chimneys. Until the 1860s, sweeps could be boys as young as 4 years old with the master sweep acting mainly as supervisor.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone does since the estate has a lot of fireplaces. If not, then I wonder why the Crawleys have virtually no chimney fires.

8. Gate Keeper
Function: Responsible for guarding the main entrance to the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary could be as low as 10 pounds ($1,100) but he often had a cottage attached to the gate.
Status: Classified as an unskilled laborer and ranked relatively low on the servant hierarchy.
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since he had to guard the gate.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man from the lower classes, possibly a male servant approaching retirement.
Characters who had this job: Though no named character has this job at Downton Abbey, there’s probably someone on the estate who does.

9. Lamp Boy
Function: Responsible for lighting, cleaning, and maintaining the lamps inside and outside the great house and the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and one of the lowest servant ranks as well as addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked mostly at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy and teenager between the ages of 10-16, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since may have been rendered obsolete with the arrival of the electric incandescent lamp.

10. Upper Laundry Maid
Function: Chief laundry maid in charge of a team that washed, ironed, steamed, starched, dried, treated, and pressed clothes, towels, and linens for the family and the staff.
Pay and Benefits: At least an annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 3:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried woman at least in her late teens who demonstrated the practicalities in clothes treatment.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey but since it churns out a lot of laundry, there had to be at least one upper laundry maid.

11. Laundry Maid
Function: Responsible for washing, drying, ironing, starching, and treating clothes, bedding, linens, and towels for the entire household, including the staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and among the lowest ranked female servants. Addressed by first name. Kept entirely out of sight. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 3:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried woman at least in her teens yet skilled in the art of laundry.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist on Downton Abbey but any estate of that size would’ve employed at least 2-3 of them. Yet, this was a very low status job so they were usually kept out of sight.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 7-The Stables and Travel

Horse: At Downton Abbey, this animal has been relegated to recreational and ceremonial purposes since the introduction of the automobile. So now let's just get back to Lady Mary and Kemal Pamuk on their hunting ride, shall we?

Horse: At Downton Abbey, this animal has been relegated to recreational and ceremonial purposes since the introduction of the automobile. So now let’s just get back to Lady Mary and Kemal Pamuk on their hunting ride, shall we? Of course, we all know what happens to Kemal Pamuk in this episode. So the Turk shall enjoy this day while he can.

Now while I could easily put the stables jobs with the grounds and the hunt, I decided to put it with travel since horses used to be the primary modes of transportation besides walking. Not to mention, this was the main reason stables were built. Of course, the stable staff doesn’t play much of a role on Downton Abbey since the show takes place in the early 20th century, which was a time that horse transportation was slowly being replaced by the new automobile, especially large estates where the aristocracy was among the first car customers (before Henry Ford came up with the idea of the assembly line, look it up). So cars were also used as status symbols, which is also very much the case today. Yet, this doesn’t mean that horses are out of the picture yet, since they were still needed for activities like hunting, ceremonies, special occasions like weddings and funerals, emphasizing large wealth, and of course, horse racing. You may not see the stables or the stable staff much at Downton Abbey but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist on the estate. Nevertheless, the Crawleys do spend a significant time traveling whether it be on their other estates, throughout England, London, Scotland, or abroad. And while certain servants go with the Crawleys while they’re away (giving other servants time off when they’re all gone), there are also other servants associated with traveling as well as in the stables. Sometimes aristocratic families could stay at one place anywhere from a few days to up to a few months. Of course, some of them may be obsolete but they’re listed anyway. So for your reading pleasure, here are the servants associated with the stables and travel.

The Stables

Stables: At Downton Abbey, it's a place you never see since it doesn't much play a big role in the Crawleys' lives anyway. This picture is probably as close as viewers will ever get so use your imagination, please.

Stables: At Downton Abbey, it’s a place you never see since it doesn’t much play a big role in the Crawleys’ lives anyway. This picture is probably as close as viewers will ever get so use your imagination, please.

1. Master of the Horse or Clerk of Stables
Function: Oversees all equine and groom activities including feed and overall care of the horses. Responsible for checking conditions of roads and inns, manages details of carriages, boss to coachman, grooms, postilion, and anyone else connected to the stables or coaches.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he had decent pay and possibly his own quarters like a small cottage.
Status: At least a Senior Servant, but since he works outside the house, he probably has none of their privileges.
Hours: At least regular working hours but could be longer, especially during times of travel and special events.
Typical Candidate: Must be male and know how to work with horses. Possibly someone who came from a tenant family or grew up on a farm.
Characters who had this job: Well, as far as we know Downton Abbey doesn’t have this job, since Master of the Horse is more of an 18th century position anyway and it’s become a mostly ceremonial role in the monarchy.

2. Head Groom or Stable Master
Function: Responsible for running the stables as well as for the horses and grooms. Duties include arranging riding lessons or training as well as insure a groom is “on call” in case a member of the family wants to ride. Not to mention, he had to arrange the horses’ feeding and veterinary needs. Also responsible for the special needs of aged or retired horses as well as for maintenance of the stables and ordering supplies.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff but didn’t have the same privileges as similar members in the house would. Addressed by last name and could either report to the Estate Manager or Butler.
Hours: Usually from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a seasoned man who’s spent considerable time working with horses or as a groom rising through the ranks.
Characters who had this job: Currently none, but Downton Abbey has stables so someone on the estate must have this job. However, this isn’t a show about horse stable staff since they don’t have much to do with the family anyway.

3. Stud Master
Function: Manager for the master’s breeding stock. Arranges, records, and approves desired animal matings whether it be hounds, horses, or house pets as well as consults the registries afterwards. May oversee the maintenance of the estates stables and kennels as well. If one isn’t present, duties go to the Stable Master or Master of the Hounds.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he was well compensated as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to Stable Master.
Hours: Depended on the animals he was working with.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knew about animals which could be either a groom or someone who grew up on a farm.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible that someone does at the estate. However, the stable staff aren’t the show’s main focus though.

4. Horse Trainer
Function: Responsible for training horses for riding which includes feeding, exercising, and talking to them to get used to human contact.
Pay and Benefits: Usually received a modest sum of money as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Stable Master.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s experienced with horses, particularly a groom.
Characters who had this job: None of the show’s characters have this job but this someone at Downton Abbey may have this one. The stable staff isn’t the focus of the show.

5. Groom

Groom: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a guy who probably doesn't have much screen time. But he's there because his main job is taking care of the horses and that he had to bring one out to match Lady Mary's riding habit.

Groom: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a guy who probably doesn’t have much screen time. But he’s there because his main job is taking care of the horses and that he had to bring one out to match Lady Mary’s riding habit.

Function: Responsible for taking care of the horses which includes feeding and watering them, brushing them down, exercising them, saddling them, and giving them medicine when they take ill. Cleans carriages, harnesses, as well as the stables for the master’s morning inspection.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and occupied a similar position at the stables as a maid or footman would in the house. Addressed by first name and reported to the Stable Master.
Hours: Usually from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried man at least in his teens who at least possesses significant knowledge of horses.
Characters who had this job: Well, no characters on the show have this profession per se but since Downton Abbey has stables, the estate is bound to employ a team of them. But the life of the stable staff isn’t the main focus on the show.

6. Stable Boy
Function: Responsible for assisting the grooms with cleaning the stables and other duties relating to equine care. Is basically a groom in training.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 6-12 pounds ($640-$1,500) depending on age and ability as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Stable Master.
Hours: Usually from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy in his early teens from the lower classes. May be as young as 10 years old.
Characters who had this job: Though no characters on the show have this job, it probably does exist on Downton Abbey since it has stables. However, the stables aren’t the main focus of the show.

Travel

Sports Car: At Downton Abbey, this is the wedding present the bridegroom gives to himself after finding himself heir to a title and estate as well as marrying the resident Earl's daughter. Of course, we all know from Season 3 that this doesn't end well.

Sports Car: At Downton Abbey, this is the wedding present the bridegroom gives to himself after finding himself heir to a title and estate as well as marrying the resident Earl’s daughter. Of course, we all know from Season 3 that this doesn’t end well. Just wait when this new dad’s joy ride home from the hospital turns into a one way trip to the morgue. Yes, that luxury car will crush you if overturned in the event of a collision.

1. Coachman

Coachman: At Downton Abbey, this guy doesn't get as much as he used to before the automobile but he's still employed for special occasions like weddings and funerals. You don't think they'd let Lady Mary and Matthew have to leave a church in a car, don't you?

Coachman: At Downton Abbey, this guy doesn’t get as much as he used to before the automobile but he’s still employed for special occasions like weddings and funerals. You don’t think they’d let Lady Mary and Matthew have to leave a church in a car, don’t you?

Function: Responsible for driving the coach. If there was no Clerk of the Stables or Stable Master present, he’d usually manage the stables, the grooms, and make sure the coach was in good working order. May assist the grooms with cleaning the carriages. Other responsibilities may vary depending on number of footmen or whether there was a second one on staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 40 pounds ($4,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the Stable Master.
Hours: Usually called upon as needed and during travels but this depends on his responsibilities to the household.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s spent considerable time with horses as a groom.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since it’s clear that nobody in the Grantham house travels by coach anymore. Yet, an estate of that size would’ve had at least 2.

2. Second Coachman
Function: Assisted the coachman with driving the coach with his chief duty on nightwork.
Pay and Benefits: Less than the coachman but he didn’t do too badly either as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported directly to Coachman or Master of the Stables.
Hours: Usually the night hours while traveling but could vary depending on responsibilities.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s spent a considerable amount of time as a groom.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since the coachman job is now obsolete with the advent of cars. However, if the show took place while the Dowager Countess was a child, there would’ve been one.

3. Postilion
Function: A rider who mounted on one of the coach’s drawing horses (usually one of the left ones. If there was no coachman, then the front left one).
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 12 pounds ($1,500) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Stable Master or Coachman.
Hours: Worked as needed, particularly while during travels.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young man or boy, especially one light enough not to cause the horses strain.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey for the Granthams no longer use coaches. Thus, one would be employed only by royalty.

4. Running Footman
Function: Responsible for running ahead at the cavalcade, prepare a path for the coach, and prepare the inn for his master’s arrival. Would also engage in running contests to win wages for his master.
Pay and Benefits: Well, I’m sure it was the same as a footman’s.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Status was about the same as footman. However, this was a pretty dangerous job.
Hours: Well, whenever the master was traveling as far as I could tell.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried man who was said to be tall and hot. Yet, he’d also have to be fast on his feet.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since coaches are no longer the standard mode for transportation. Also, it was obsolete by the early 1800s.

5. Chasseur
Function: Have responsibilities and duties similar to footman and bodyguard, but more or less the latter except looking pretty. Still, on a coach, he’d be the guy riding shotgun.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a generous compensation from the master as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. However, may have the status of mercenaries. Wear a sword and a feathered hat.
Hours: Worked a 24/7 job basically protecting the family.
Typical Candidate: Usually mustachioed men who spent a significant amount of time in the military as well a stand out in appearance.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but may in the royal household or embassies. However, this was more of a position on the European continent, not England.

6. Courier
Function: Responsible for serving as a guide to the family while traveling by riding in front of the carriage carrying an important person as a form of protection.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received some fair compensation and possibly room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by his first name.
Hours: Depended on the household’s needs but mostly during travels.
Typical Candidate: Usually a horseman who familiar with the geography, money, language, and other customs of a foreign country. Most likely a foreigner.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since they were mostly used during travels and may have been rendered obsolete.

7. Chauffeur

Chauffeur: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young radical Irish Nationalist who'll introduce the boss's daughter to left-wing politics and driving before romantically pursuing and eventually running off with her. Just keep him a way from a soup tureen.

Chauffeur: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young radical Irish Nationalist who’ll introduce the boss’s daughter to left-wing politics and driving before romantically pursuing and eventually running off with her. Just keep him a way from a soup tureen.

Function: Responsible for driving, repairing, and maintaining the family cars.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 40 pounds ($4,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. May or may not dine with the rest of the servants. Nevertheless, in the days of Downton Abbey, this was a very high demand job (which may explain why Branson wasn’t simply fired for being an Irish nationalist with socialist beliefs or trying to run off with Lady Sybil).
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young man who was a skilled mechanic to deal with breakdowns or tire punctures en route (which happened a lot in the earliest years of the automobile. Still, Branson would’ve fit the bill perfectly). A retrained coachman also fits the bill. In the Jim Crow Era, it was one of the few skilled professions that was acceptable for African Americans in some parts of the US.
Characters who had this job: Tom Branson starts out with this job at Downton Abbey in Seasons 1-2. However, there are other chauffeurs who also serve the Granthams.

8. Travel Groom or Porter
Function: Responsible for packing and unpacking their employer’s belongings while traveling. If there were no hotels present, they’d usually set up camp as well as walked with animals like oxen or horses. Sometimes waited on the master hand and foot.
Pay and Benefits: While they accompanied their master on the trip, they were relatively cheap to hire.
Status: They had relatively low status since they were usually made to carry things and hired from groups most Europeans considered inferior anyway.
Hours: Depended whether the master was staying in a hotel or going on a safari. If the latter, then early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Could be of any age, gender, or physicality but outside Europe and Americas, they’re usually people of color. Usually from poor backgrounds.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey. However, you see plenty of fictional examples in almost any work set during the British Empire.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 6-The Grounds and the Hunt

The Grounds: Part of Downton Abbey not much is paid attention to, since the staff there doesn't pay any attention to since they don't work in the house or play any role in the lives of the family. Yet, their main job is just making the estate look pretty and protecting game from poachers so the family can hunt and impress visitors.

The Grounds: Part of Downton Abbey not much is paid attention to, since the staff there doesn’t pay any attention to since they don’t work in the house or play any role in the lives of the family. Yet, their main job is just making the estate look pretty and protecting game from poachers so the family can hunt and impress visitors.

The outside staff isn’t the main focus on Downton Abbey nor is it in any fiction pertaining to a grand British estate. Sure they may not work in the great house or interact with the family as much but it doesn’t mean they’re outside working their tails off. After all, the grounds at Downton need their share of caretaking, too. I mean someone must be doing all the gardening, weeding, planting, mowing, and landscaping to keep the place pristine for visitors. If Downton didn’t have anyone who didn’t tend to the grounds how else could the Granthams have garden parties, hunts, afternoon strolls, dog walks, bazaars, cricket matches, and other outdoor activities. And who’s going to tend to the vegetables, flowers, and exotic plants in the greenhouse? Of course, as for the hunt, there has to be a staff for that, too. I mean who else is going to take care of the hounds and terriers as well as keep them together? Nevertheless, hunting was a frequent activity on large estates like Downton Abbey in which a bunch of rich guys usually grabbed their guns, saddled on, horseback, and rode away to catch some game, which could be a fox, pheasant, or deer. Sometimes there were staff that threw up the pheasants for the aristocrats to shoot at. And a lot of times the members of the hunting party would be totally wasted. Of course, the horseback riding bit, I’ll get to in the next post since it goes well with travel. So without further adieu, here are the jobs associated with groundskeeping and hunting in the world of Downton Abbey.

The Grounds

Garden: At Downton Abbey, this is the place for the village vs. estate cricket match as well as the bazaar. Yet, during a garden party, it's customary that everyone dress in white and don't step on the flowers.

Garden: At Downton Abbey, this is the place for the village vs. estate cricket match as well as the bazaar. Yet, during a garden party, it’s customary that everyone dress in white and don’t step on the flowers.

1. Head Gardener
Function: In charge of the hot houses, green houses, and conservatories on the estate. Supervises the gardeners as well as seasonal harvest employees as well. Escorted visitors on grounds and acted as a guide.
Pay and Benefits: Since impressive gardens were important as impressing guests, his annual salary could be as much as 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,400). Also had a private cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, but didn’t have the same privileges as those inside the house would’ve like the Stable Master. Addressed by last name and reported directly to the Estate Manager or master.
Hours: From sunrise to sunset as well as depending on the seasons.
Typical Candidate: Usually an experienced gardener demonstrating a knowledge of flowers, vegetables, fruits, and landscape design.
Characters who had this job: Well, there’s an off-screen character named Mr. Brockit who’s said to hold this job at Downton Abbey.

2. Game Keeper
Function: Responsible for maintaining the local populations of the estate so the master and guests would have game such as pheasant to hunt. Cracks down on trespassers and poachers. May even have his own staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,400) as well as his own cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the Estate Manager.
Hours: Usually was on a 24/7 job with small breaks in between to fulfill basic needs.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knows how to breed wild game and is familiar with game laws.
Characters who had this job: Well, there hasn’t been a character on the show who’s had this job, but it probably does exist on Downton Abbey seeing that Lord Robert owns large tracts of land and goes hunting. However, outside the show, Rubeus Hagrid had this job at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series. Of course, the creatures he has to look after aren’t the kind of animals a normal gamekeeper would be familiar with, especially in the Forbidden Forest.

3.  Gardener

Gardener: At Dower House, this job goes to the guy later fired due to suspicion of stealing a letter opener the Dowager Countess received from the King of Sweden. Thanks to Mrs. Crawley's interference, he was later reinstated.

Gardener: At Dower House, this job goes to the guy later fired due to suspicion of stealing a letter opener the Dowager Countess received from the King of Sweden. Thanks to Mrs. Crawley’s interference, he was later reinstated.

Function: Responsible for the care and maintenance of the estate’s or house’s grounds, horticulture, and produce. Duties may depend on the size of household or staff. On smaller estates, may be the resident handyman as well. May be supervised by Head Gardener, sometimes not.
Pay and Benefits: Well, depends on the size of the estate or whether he was the only one there. Either resided on the estate or had his own cottage.
Status: Well, since a gardener usually worked on smaller estates, he probably didn’t have a place on the servant hierarchy. If part of a team, he’d usually be a member of the Lower Staff, addressed by his first name, and reported directly to the Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sunset at least as well as depended on the seasons.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who had an extensive knowledge of plants, particularly fruit trees and flowers.
Characters who had this job: Well, there was one of Rose McClare’s boyfriends named Sam Thawley from Season 4 (but he’s from the Easingwold Estate, though Downton Abbey has to have some). The Dowager Countess also had at least a couple at Dower House and suspected one of them of stealing her ornate letter opener. Joseph Moseley’s father worked as one as well. Outside the show, a great fictional example is Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings who’s from a whole family of them that worked for Bilbo Baggins (yet, “gardener” is actually more like his official job title).

4. Grounds Keeper

Grounds Keeper: At Easingwold Estate, this job goes to the nice strapping young man who sweeps a marquis's daughter under a servant's guise. Of course, he never had a chance with her due to Edwardian class differences of the day. Yet, maybe would've been better off with Daisy. After all, she may run a farm and he may know something about landscaping.

Grounds Keeper: At Easingwold Estate, this job goes to the nice strapping young man who sweeps a marquis’s daughter under a servant’s guise. Of course, he never had a chance with her due to Edwardian class differences of the day. Yet, maybe would’ve been better off with Daisy. After all, she may run a farm and he may know something about landscaping. But, man, he sure can dance.

Function: General laborers under the Head Gardener. Responsible for everything from planting trees to cutting grass as well as other tasks relating to landscaping.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($850-$1,700) depending on age and ability as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sunset.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man at least in his teens or possibly younger.
Characters who had this job: Possibly Sam Thawley from Season 4, though he was referred to as a, “gardener.” Still, Downton Abbey has a lot of these since it’s a large estate.

5. Park Keeper
Function: Cares for the deer at the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Sizeable annual salary as well as his own cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, reported to Game Keeper.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knows quite a bit about deer.
Characters who had this job: While there are no characters with this job at Downton Abbey, this doesn’t mean that the Granthams don’t have one. I mean, they sponsor hunts.

6. Yard Boy
Function: Fetched wood and aided gardener in utilitarian affairs.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, possibly among the lowest positions. Addressed by first name and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy who could be as young as 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey.

The Hunt

The Hunt: At Downton Abbey, this is an event in which the Granthams and a lot of rich folks load up their guns, saddle up on horseback,  and ride on wit the dogs to shoot some prized game. Not sure if any of them get wasted before then but there's a lot of comedy sketches that play off the alcohol bit.

The Hunt: At Downton Abbey, this is an event in which the Granthams and a lot of rich folks load up their guns, saddle up on horseback, and ride on wit the dogs to shoot some prized game. Not sure if any of them get wasted before then but there’s a lot of comedy sketches that play off the alcohol bit. Nevertheless, when Lady Mary takes part, is a source of a lot of sexual tension.

1. Master of the Hounds

Master of the Hounds: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the guy who's name you don't know and probably gets barely any screen time. Yet, he's in charge of the pack and gets the hunt started so Lady could have her 3 way love triangle with Evelyn Napier, Matthew Crawley, and Kemal Pamuk.

Master of the Hounds: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the guy who’s name you don’t know and probably gets barely any screen time. Yet, he’s in charge of the pack and gets the hunt started so Lady could have her 3 way love triangle with Evelyn Napier, Matthew Crawley, and Kemal Pamuk.

Function: Operates the sporting activities of the hunt, maintains the kennels, and has the final say in all matters of the hunt on the estate.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure that he received a generous compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the Estate Manager.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who has experience with hunting and dogs.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone does at the estate. However, he’s part of a staff that’s not the show’s main focus.

2. Kennelman
Function: Looked after the hounds and assured all tasks were completed when pack and staff return from hunting.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they were well compensated as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: A man who’s had experience working with dogs.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

3. Huntsman
Function: Responsible for directing the hounds during a hunt. Carries a horn to communicate with the hounds, followers, and whippers-in. May fill the role of Kennelman or Master of the Hounds.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a handsome compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. Reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked as long as needed as far as I know.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs and hunting.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

4. Terrier Man
Function: Carried out fox control when the object of the hunt is to kill one. Controlled the terriers that may be used underground to flush out the fox.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a handsome compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night or whenever as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

5. Whipper-In
Function: Assistant to the huntsman whose main job was to keep the pack together as well as prevent the pack from straying.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a fair compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the Huntsman.
Hours: Worked as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs and animals but not as much as the Huntsman.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 5-The Dressing Room and the Nursery

The Family: At Downton Abbey, this post is devoted to the servants who work closest with them and seek to their personal needs. Of course, it's not all the time do we have a family in which the both grandparents and grandchildren don't dress themselves.

The Family: At Downton Abbey, this post is devoted to the servants who work closest with them and seek to their personal needs. Of course, it’s not all the time do we have a family in which the both grandparents and grandchildren don’t dress themselves.

The reason why I combined servant jobs relating to the dressing room and the nursery because these were the servants who were probably the closest to the family and dealt with them on a daily basis (well, other than the butler, housekeeper, and cook but they had their own departments). Contrary to what you’d see on Downton Abbey, those with the large estates weren’t actively in contact with the lowliest scullery maid let alone took an active role in planning her wedding to her deathbed ridden fiance (then again, WWI was a time of extraordinary upheaval). Yet, most of the time, servants in general (save maybe the footmen and possibly the butler) were required to be invisible and many houses were designed to keep them separate from the family and unseen from not only the guests but also those who hired them. However, there were some positions in the household where invisibility wasn’t an option at least in regards where the family was concerned. After all, someone has to seek to the lord and lady of the house’s every need, make their clothes, keep them company, and raise their kids. I mean the family had a reputation to live up with all the fancy balls, banquets, and parties, which may take weeks to plan in advance. The mistress doesn’t have the time to get dressed or tend to her children’s every need, except maybe arrange a suitable marriage. As for the master, well, he’s too busy with his purchased government post and expanding his estate. So for your reading pleasure, here are the servant jobs relating to the Dressing Room and the Nursery.

The Dressing Room:

Master Dressing Room: At Downton Abbey, this is the room in the house where the resident Earl of Grantham gets dressed about 4 or more times a day. Also, serves as a second bedroom to the resident Earl whenever is wife is furious with him after their daughter died from post-partum eclampsia.

Master Dressing Room: At Downton Abbey, this is the room in the house where the resident Earl of Grantham gets dressed about 4 or more times a day. Also, serves as a second bedroom to the resident Earl whenever is wife is furious with him after their daughter died from post-partum eclampsia.

1.  Lady’s Companion
Function: Accompanied their mistress on excursions as well as participated in shopping, playing cards, and aiding in her comfort. They’re sort of like 24-hour on call friends for hire. You might call it an acceptable form of platonic prostitution.
Pay and Benefits: Well, I’m sure they received a generous compensation.
Status: Well, they weren’t actually considered servants, but they were addressed as “Mrs.” regardless of courtesy. Wouldn’t result in loss of class status.
Hours: Well, they were usually hired to work on call which could be all day.
Typical Candidate: Must be a young unmarried woman of upper or middle class birth who possessed an education in music, language, conversation, and the arts. Usually women who were too rich to be maids or prostitutes but don’t have any other opportunities available. Sometimes they could be male.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since there were more opportunities for women by that time. However, until the mid-20th century, this job continued to exist (as I’ve seen in a few old movies. Carlo from My Man Godfrey is a good example despite being male. The second Mrs. de Winter was also one during her single years) but not in the same capacity as before the 19th century.

2. Valet

Valet: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the middle aged disabled war veteran with a history of alcoholism, prison time, and a vindictive estranged first wife. Sure he's a nice mild mannered guy who seems to have a lot of bad things happen to him. Yet, whatever you do, don't ever rape his wife Anna. Because he's will find out and can easily kill you. Also has a cool pimp cane.

Valet: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the middle aged disabled war veteran with a history of alcoholism, prison time, and a vindictive estranged first wife. Sure he’s a nice mild mannered guy who seems to have a lot of bad things happen to him. Yet, whatever you do, don’t ever rape his wife Anna. Because he will find out and can easily kill you. Also has a cool pimp cane.

Function: Gentleman’s male servant responsible to the master’s person seeking to his every personal need like preparing his toilette, dressing and undressing him, maintaining his clothes, shaving him, running his bath, and packing and unpacking his clothes while traveling. When his master is away, he accompanies him and is his constant companion. Not to mention, he loads his master’s rifle while shooting, stands behind his master’s chair during meals, brushes his clothes, and cleans his boots. Sometimes he even performs secretarial duties as well. If their master is infirm or elderly, he sometimes attends to his health needs. If there’s no valet present, then the butler or footman usually perform these duties and perhaps only for a single man.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20-30 pounds ($2,100-$3,200). Usually are paid more than a lady’s maid. Might have his own room or cottage depending on marital status. Yet, might sleep in the same room as his master.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and is only answerable to his master alone. Does not wear a livery. In some households, it’s possible for every adult male member to have their own. Addressed by his last name, usually. May possibly outrank the butler and be paid more than him, too.
Hours: Well, valets have long days attending to their masters’ needs (from the time he’s up to until he goes to bed) and they probably have the least free time. While the other servants may have some free time while the family is away, the valet doesn’t since he has to travel with his master wherever he goes.
Typical Candidate: Valets learn their skills for their roles in various ways. Some began as footmen and learning on the job as well as taking over for their master’s valet on some occasions (like Thomas). Sometimes they could learn by performing various tasks for the sons or male guests who didn’t travel with one (again, as Thomas did). Others started out as servants for military officers such as batmen for those in the army or stewards for those in the navy (as Bates did and William Mason would’ve if he hadn’t died). May have also started as a steward’s boy as well.
Characters who had this job: John Bates has this job at Downton Abbey serving as valet for Lord Robert, Earl of Grantham and has been employed since the very first episode (with Thomas and others occasionally taking over). Bates was hired since he served as the Earl’s batman during the Boer Wars. Joseph Molesley has worked as Matthew Crawley’s valet in Seasons 1 and 3 (in Season 2, he’s just hanging around the Crawley House). Outside the show, famous valets in fiction include Jeeves who works for Bertie Wooster from the P. G. Wodehouse stories (and is basically a saint since Wooster has the emotional maturity of a fratboy), Figaro who works for the Count of Almaviva in The Marriage of Figaro which inspired two operas by Mozart and Rossini (though he’s sometimes listed as a barber), Passepartout for Phileas Fogg in Jules Verne’s Around the World in Eighty Days, and Alfred Pennyworth who works and acts as a father figure for Batman. Hercule Poirot and D’Artangnan employ one, too. Let’s just say, this position is very well represented in fiction.

3. Lady’s Maid

Lady's Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to a middle aged scheming bitch willing to take advantage of her mistress's horrible judge of character for all it's worth. Whether it's ransacking the housekeeper's room for a snuff box, tricking a footman into committing sexual assault, disseminating details about the boss's daughter and the Turk,  or causing a miscarriage through her ladyship's soap, she will always remain her mistress's most trusted servant. Yes, lack of background checks give this position ultimate job security.

Lady’s Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to a middle aged scheming bitch willing to take advantage of her mistress’s horrible judge of character for all it’s worth. Whether it’s ransacking the housekeeper’s room for a snuff box, tricking a footman into committing sexual assault, disseminating details about the boss’s daughter and the Turk, or causing a miscarriage through her ladyship’s soap, she will always remain her mistress’s most trusted servant. Yes, lack of background checks give this position ultimate job security.

Function: Charged with attending to her mistress’s appearance such as arranging her hair, caring for her clothes, packing and unpacking her clothes while traveling, and dressing her. Can also make her mistress’s dresses. Is responsible for bringing up her mistress’s breakfast, drawing her bath, putting out necessities for walking and riding, putting away her jewels, washing her lace and fine linens, and putting her room in order. At another time, she was said for being responsible for carrying messages in her clothes and accompanying her on errands.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20-30 pounds ($2,100-$3,200) as well as own room or cottage depending on marital status.
Status: Usually addressed by her last name and “Miss” if unmarried. However, despite being paid lower than a valet this is perhaps the zenith position in the maid world. Also, is only answerable to the mistress alone. There could be as many lady’s maids on an estate as there are women. An estate the size of Downton Abbey would’ve included one for each adult female family member “out” in society (which means the Crawleys should have at least 3 or 4 of them).
Hours: Like a valet, lady’s maids have long days from early morning to late at night since they have to attend to their mistress’ every need. And while other servants have free time while the family is away, they have to go with them. Yet, at least the women of the house didn’t travel as often as the men in those days.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who’s spent considerable time as a maid whether it be as a house maid, chamber maid, or parlor maid. Not to mention, has experience tending to a woman’s personal needs.
Characters who had this job: Sarah O’Brien was one to Lady Cora, Countess of Grantham from Season 1 to Season 3. Yet, before she left, she had been working at Downton Abbey for over 20 years (about the same as Mrs. Patmore). Since Season 4, she’s left Downton Abbey to work for Lady Susan Flintshire (which furthers secures Thomas’ place since she was the only other resident baddie there). In Season 4 Cora’s lady’s maids have been Edna Braithwhite (who Mrs. Hughes had forced to resign) and Phyllis Baxter who holds that post as of Season 4 as well as known for her sewing machine and textile work. And from Season 3 onward, Anna Bates has been acting as lady’s maid to Lady Mary but she’s not addressed by her last name for obvious reasons.

4. Tailor
Function: Responsible for making, repairing, or altering clothing such as suits, pants, and trousers, particularly for men.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received as fair compensation as well as room and board depending on the era.
Status: If a servant member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. Could also be a professional with his own shop.
Hours: Worked as often as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s apprenticed as well as has considerable skill making clothes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey, at least in a servant capacity, which probably became defunct with the sewing machine.

5. Dressmaker
Function: Responsible for making custom clothing for women such as dresses, blouses, evening gowns.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure she received a generous sum of money besides room and board. If not a servant, she may have had her own shop.
Status: Either a member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name or a professional.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman skilled in making clothes as well as with a great knowledge of styles and fabrics.
Characters who had this job: So far this job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since the sewing machine made that job obsolete in the servant capacity.

6. Seamstress

Seamstress: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position given to the lady's maid who's brought her own sewing machine and could really operate one at that. Still, she also acts as the under butler's below the stairs spy through blackmail.

Seamstress: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position given to the lady’s maid who’s brought her own sewing machine and could really operate one at that. Still, she also acts as the under butler’s below the stairs spy through blackmail.

Function: Responsible for sewing seams and repairing clothing.
Pay and Benefits: Other than room and board, not much pay as the dressmaker.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Dressmaker or Tailor.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman with some sewing skill but not as much as a dressmaker.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey in the servant capacity thanks to the sewing machine. However, as of Season 4, Baxter seems to fulfill this role.

7. Hair Dresser
Function: Responsible for styling and cutting hair, especially for the ladies of the estate. Also, works with wigs depending on the era.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure one would get fair compensation if not room and board.
Status: Either as a member of the Lower Staff or as a professional.
Hours: Worked as needed but his or her schedule would be packed in the 18th century.
Typical Candidate: Someone who’s skilled with styling hair.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey as of Season 4.

8. House Boy
Function: A male house cleaner who performed a lot of tasks in the household similar to a valet and house maid.
Pay and Benefits: Compensation may vary but he was usually given room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name, if he was part of a large household.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between the ages of 10-16 and more often a person of color from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey because they were usually employed by families within the British Empire and outside Great Britain.

9. Steward’s Boy
Function: Responsible for attending the needs of the House Steward such as cleaning his dishes, brushing his clothes, attending to the lamps and candles in his room, polishing his shoes, and be a diligent messenger. Also, take over for an absent footman.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($860-$1,700) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the House Steward.
Hours: Had long days since they waited on somebody hand and foot.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between the ages of 10-16 from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but I wouldn’t be surprised if Carson was one as a kid. Same may go for Bates.

The Nursery

The Nursery: At Downton Abbey, this is the room where the small children spend most of the time with the nanny while their parents can devote significant time to either running the estate, getting entangled in love triangles, or attending fancy dress balls. After all, what else are children good for than continuing the family line, anyway?

The Nursery: At Downton Abbey, this is the room where the small children spend most of the time with the nanny while their parents can devote significant time to either running the estate, getting entangled in love triangles, or attending fancy dress balls. After all, what else are children good for than continuing the family line and future marriage alliances, anyway?

1. Head Nurse or Nanny

Nanny: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the elderly woman who's a bossy control freak with family visitations as well as willing to bully and starve a two-year-old girl for being a "chauffeur's daughter" and "wicked little cross-breed." Turns out the spiteful under butler was inadvertently right.

Nanny: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the elderly woman who’s a bossy control freak with family visitations as well as willing to bully and starve a two-year-old girl for being a “chauffeur’s daughter” and “wicked little cross-breed.” Turns out the spiteful under butler was inadvertently right. Seems like the heir to the estate isn’t thrilled with her either.

Function: In charge of the nursing staff in houses with several nurses. Charged with caring for the household’s children from the time they are born until they’re turned over to a governess or tutor. Duties include washing and dressing children, feeding them, taking them on outings, and putting them to bed. May make the children’s underwear and repair their clothes.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) as well as probably sleeps in the nursery or has a room nearby. Can have dinner brought to the nursery or dine with the other servants (Downton’s nanny probably does the former since the others rarely see her.)
Status: Depends on the household. Yet, they’re most likely members of the Senior Staff since they’re only answerable to their charges’ parents. Addressed by last name.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job with very few breaks and might even end when the kids are old enough for school.
Typical Candidate: Well, usually a woman who’s had experience with child care if she’s the head nurse. However, as a nanny she had to be at least a young woman who’s had a child.
Characters who had this job: Well, on Downton Abbey there’s the mean Nanny West of Season 4, who Thomas had fired for bullying and starving Lady Sybil’s daughter Sybbie. Her identity of her successor is unknown, but since the birth of Sybbie and George, this position certainly exists as of Season 4 (yet, the kids don’t really play much of a role anyway).

2. Monthly Nurse
Function: Responsible for looking after a mother and her baby within the first few weeks of birth. Could also take over as midwife and give instructions to first time mothers.
Pay and Benefits: She was usually recommended by the doctor and paid a handsome sum as well as room and board till her time was through.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: This was a 24/7 and only lasted a month.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who had child herself (and possibly a grandchild). She was typically between the ages of 30-50 years old.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since it was more of an 18th and 19th century job. Probably should’ve used one with Lady Sybil concerned.

3. Wet Nurse
Function: Responsible for breastfeeding the infants of the house if the mother is unable or chooses not to nurse her child.
Pay and Benefits: Well, other than room and board, this job had a nice compensation since there was significant demand.
Status: Depends. She could be a Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Nanny or she could be promoted to Nanny.
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since she had to be available on demand.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman who’s recently had a child, particularly out of wed lock.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey depending on how baby Sybbie was fed in Season 3. I mean, we know that she wasn’t breastfed by her mother. Yet, from the mid-19th century on, this profession fell out of favor in most developed areas except the American South.

4. Governess
Function: Responsible for educating any girls who’d be living on the estate from their childhood to their teenage years or when they’d enter boarding school, finishing school, be introduced to society, or get married. They’d also educate boys as well but only for a short time until they went to a tutor or boarding school. Still, when her job was done, she’d usually remain as a paid companion.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) as well as room and board.
Status: It’s hard to say. Though not seen as servants, were certainly treated like them. However, their lives were miserable since family members and servants looked down on them either for coming from a failed family or representing hypocrisy. Existed in a social limbo and ate on her own (maybe this is why Jane Eyre went back to Mr. Rochester).
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since they functioned as teachers and babysitters.
Typical Candidate: An educated genteel unmarried woman who needs to financially support herself.
Characters who had this job: So far, no characters on Downton Abbey have had this job, but when Lady Mary’s son George is old enough there might be. However, outside the show, there are quite a few in fiction and real life. The most famous examples are Jane Eyre, Agnes Grey, Mary Poppins, and Becky Sharpe from Vanity Fair. In the Sherlock Holmes series, Dr. Watson marries one. In real life, you have Maria von Trapp, Annie Sullivan, Anna Leonowens (from The King and I as well as great-aunt to Boris Karloff), and Marie Curie.

5. Tutor
Function: Responsible for providing an education to any of the family’s son on the estate whether it be general or in a specific subject until they either go to a secondary boarding school or university.
Pay and Benefits: Usually more than a governess as well as room and board.
Status: Well, he would be more or less considered to be at the same level as a governess but probably seen as a guy who couldn’t get a teaching job.
Hours: This could be a 24/7 job since he’d basically be a teacher and babysitter. But if it’s in a certain subject, then probably as often as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried man trained as a school master but couldn’t get a teaching job or has some particular skill in a subject. Might be from a genteel family or a foreign country.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but once Lady Mary’s son George is old enough, there probably will be one. Then again, he might go to boarding school. Yet, you see tutors a lot in fictional works.

6. Nursery Maid
Function: Supporting the nanny in looking after young children. Often charged with washing diapers, cleaning and maintaining the nursery, maintaining fires, carrying meals and dishes between the nursery and kitchen or scullery, and removing soiled items from sight. Also, attended to the wet nurse if there was one.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 10-15 pounds ($1,100-$1,600) depending on age and ability. May have a bed either near the nursery or in it.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and may either eat in the nursery or in the servants’ hall. Report directly to the Nanny.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job with few breaks that usually ends when the children are old enough for school.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens, many could be 12-14 years old and perhaps even younger than 10. Most nannies probably started out as this.
Characters who had this job: Well, while there hasn’t been anyone at Downton Abbey with this job who’s a character, the estate at least employs a couple of them as far as I’ve seen.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 4-The Maids

Maid: A general female domestic worker whose cheap job at Downton Abbey is to clean the interior rooms, add intrigue to the plot, and either be promoted to a better job or disappear from the show entirely. Seriously, maids don't last very long on this show for some reason.

Maid: A general female domestic worker whose cheap job at Downton Abbey is to clean the interior rooms, add intrigue to the plot, and either be promoted to a better job or disappear from the show entirely once the writers are done with them. Seriously, maids don’t last very long on this show for some reason.

Of course, I couldn’t do a series on Downton Abbey servants without including a post about another very recognizable domestic servant in popular culture: the maid. Now with the exception of Anna, they don’t seem to last long on the show for some reason or another, whether it be getting a job as a secretary, getting knocked up by a major, being threatened to resign for getting into Branson’s pants, or getting to close to the Earl of Grantham, in a creepy non-platonic sense. And if you’re Anna, chances are you’ll hang up that white apron once Lady Mary hires you as a lady’s maid and you become the second Mrs. Bates. Nevertheless, if the script calls for a disposable female domestic worker, I’m sure a maid will fit the bill since they’re basically the Downton Abbey equivalent to Star Trek TOS redshirts (except they don’t usually die). Still, their work amount could vary from household to household. In grand estates, they were under the housekeeper’s supervision and usually charged with cleaning or doing whatever their specialization required them whether they were a chamber maid, house maid, parlor maid, still room maid, storeroom maid, or in between maid. In houses where she’s the only domestic employee, she did everything and her life would be incredibly lonely. Still, they were very prone to unwanted sexual attention sometimes sexual assault. If they got married or pregnant, then they could be out of a job without a great character reference. And in those days, to be unemployed was to be considered a bum, if you were poor. So without further adieu, here are the many kinds of maids you would’ve seen at Downton Abbey.

1. Housekeeper

Housekeeper: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a no nonsense, sensible, and motherly middle aged Scottish woman lower members usually tell their secrets to (even those they wouldn't tell their own spouses). Isn't afraid of rapists but if you're a maid don't have he catch you having sex or getting into Branson's pants. Should totally get together with the butler, seriously.

Housekeeper: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a no nonsense, sensible, and motherly middle aged Scottish woman lower members usually tell their secrets to (even those they wouldn’t tell their own spouses). Isn’t afraid of rapists but if you’re a maid don’t have her catch you having sex or getting into Branson’s pants. Should totally get together with the butler, seriously. Though not a maid herself (she used to be one), she’s the boss of them.

Function: Responsible for the female staff (except for the lady’s maid, nurse, and cook) as well as maintaining the house’s furnishings. Could also share responsibilities with the House Manager and Butler in regard to buying provisions, dispensing funds as needed, and keeping household accounts. Second in command of the household staff and immediate representative of the mistress. Charged with the china closet and house linens, preparing bedrooms for visitors and their servants, and the stillroom. Makes rounds replacing supplies like candles, soap, and writing paper. Checks that rooms are clean and in order. Presides over the servants’ hall dinner. Does most of the needlework, arranges dessert, pours coffee and tea, and bottles fruit. Responsibilities vary by household and staff size.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-55 pounds ($3,700-$5,400). Has her own room or cottage on the estate depending on marital status.
Status: Reported to mistress of the house and is only answerable to the family. Highest ranked female servant. Is always referred to as “Mrs.” regardless of marital status.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:30 am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who’s risen through the ranks in the domestic service establishment. Again, this depends on the size of the household staff and estate. However, housekeepers among a large staff is usually not married.
Characters who had this job: Mrs. Elsie Hughes has this job at Downton and does almost everything described above relating to a housekeeper’s duties. Has been working at Downton Abbey almost as long as Carson (though doesn’t remember Lady Mary as a child. Though she might’ve started working there since Mary was a teenager).

2. Head House Maid

Head House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the woman willing to cover up the boss's daughter's disastrous one night stand with a Turk and clear his valet of murder charges. Will be rewarded with marriage to valet and promotion to lady's maid to the boss's daughter in question.

Head House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the woman willing to cover up the boss’s daughter’s disastrous one night stand with a Turk and clear his valet of murder charges (even if his first wife was a total bitch who deserved it). Will be rewarded with marriage to valet and promotion to lady’s maid to the boss’s daughter in question.

Function: The most senior house maid who supervised the maid staff. Usually on estates with at least 3 maids (an estate like Downton Abbey would’ve had at least 4-6 house maids).
Pay and Benefits: Well, annual salary of at least 20 pounds ($2,100) and room and board.
Status: Highest ranking female member of the Lower Staff. Reported directly to the Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Young unmarried woman who’s been on the maid staff for at least some time, perhaps longer than most the maids under her care. Usually in her 20s.
Characters who had this job: Before she became the second Mrs. Bates and Lady Mary’s lady’s maid, Anna had this job during Seasons 1-3. Her successor’s identity is unknown but seeing that Downton has 3 house maids, this job must still exist. Despite being significantly younger than her husband, Anna has worked at Downton much longer and might be the same age as Thomas.

3. Chamber Maid

Chamber Maid: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the woman who seems to be the most likely candidate for the resident Earl's "chamber" metaphorically speaking. Luckily for the Countess, this was more an emotional affair in which this maid was just trying to make a better future for her son through any methods she could.

Chamber Maid: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the woman who seems to be the most likely candidate for the resident Earl’s “chamber” metaphorically speaking. Luckily for the Countess, this was more an emotional affair in which this maid was just trying to make a better future for her son through any methods she could.

Function: Responsible for cleaning and maintaining bedrooms. Duties include sweeping, dusting, making beds, warming beds, taking care of fires, attending dressing room, fetching hot water, and caring for windows.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20 pounds ($2,100) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Yet, have a slightly higher status than parlor maids since they’re in contact with the family. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: On Downton Abbey, there’s no distinction between parlor and chamber maids (yet a place like Downton would typically have 2-3 of them).

4. Parlor Maid
Function: Responsible for cleaning and maintaining sitting rooms, drawing rooms and other rooms of public reception. Served refreshments at afternoon tea and sometimes dinner.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20 pounds a year ($2,100) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Slightly lower than chamber maids since they had less contact with the family. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: On Downton Abbey, there’s no distinction between parlor and chamber maids (yet a place like Downton would typically have 2-3 of them).

5. Still Room Maid
Function: Employed in the still room as well as responsible for alcohol, cosmetics, medicines, and cooking ingredients across all departments of the house.
Pay and Benefits: At least an annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Cook, Butler, and Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens who demonstrated some skill in distilling and preserving as well as from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey so it’s probably Daisy who has to do such duties as of Season 4.

6. Storeroom Maid
Function: Charged with supporting the housekeeper in maintaining vast stores of linens, foodstuffs, and household supplies.
Pay and Benefits: Well, probably an annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since it had basically disappeared by the middle of the 19th century.

7. House Maid

House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to: poor girls with secretarial ambitions, girls who can't keep their pants down for soldiers, war widows who want their kids in prestigious grammar schools, and social climbers who try to find fame and fortune through Branson's trousers.

House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to: poor girls with secretarial ambitions, girls who can’t keep their pants down for soldiers, war widows who want their kids in prestigious grammar schools, and social climbers who try to find fame and fortune through Branson’s trousers.

Function: A general purpose female worker whose function was chiefly upstairs, usually responsible for dusting, cleaning, making beds, caring for windows, opening windows, washing windows and stairs, lighting fires, polishing fireplaces and fixtures, tending to flower arrangements, emptying chamber pots, and serving tea but duties may vary depending on household and staff size.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of at least 16 pounds a year ($1,700) as well as room and board. Pay may depend on household size, staff size, and designation of responsibilities.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young and unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes (though she may be even younger in the lower maid orders). Most housekeepers and lady’s maids usually were this before reaching their respective posts.
Characters who had this job: At Downton Abbey, Anna started out with this job in Seasons 1-3 and I guess that O’Brien, Baxter, and Mrs. Hughes worked as one before the show even started. Other notable house maids include Gwen Dawson from Season 1, Ethel Parks and Jane Moorsum from Season 2, and Edna Braithwaite from Season 3. While house maids don’t usually play a big part on the show, Downton Abbey usually has at least 3-6 of them (an estate like Downton would usually have 4-6), or as many as the plot allows.

8. Between Maid
Function: Responsible for waiting, setting the table, removing dishes, and serving meals for the servants. Worked in the house or kitchen as needed. Tidied libraries, studies, and (with footmen) answered bells for service. May even wait on the most senior staff in larger households.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and roughly equal to scullery maid. Reported to Housekeeper, Butler, and Cook. If these there didn’t like one another, her job was a difficult one. This was one of the lowest rungs in the maid world.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5am to 10pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried girl between the ages of 12-16.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey or at least in name yet, an estate that size would at least have 2-3.

9. Maid of All Work

Maid of All Work: At Crawley House, this is the job you give a former Downton Abbey maid who was fired for banging a major and was forced into prostitution to support her son before the kid's handed to his paternal grandparents. Her mere presence will just make the longtime cook you've had quit. Is a terrible cook herself.

Maid of All Work: At Crawley House, this is the job you give a former Downton Abbey maid who was fired for banging a major and was forced into prostitution to support her son before the kid’s handed to his paternal grandparents. Her mere presence will just make the longtime cook you’ve had quit. Is a terrible cook herself.

Function: General domestic worker responsible for all the housework for a household that employed only one servant. Duties depended on the household.
Pay and Benefits: At least room and board but salary depended on the household she worked for.
Status: She isn’t of the servant hierarchy because she’s usually the only worker in the household. However, this was probably the nadir position in the maid world and one of the least desirable.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and rather inexperienced. Often someone “rescued” from the workhouse.
Characters who had this job: Ethel Parks tries to be this to Isobel Crawley in Season 3 but fails since she’s a bad cook. It’s also implied that she’s sought another position at a house near where her son lives.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 3-The Kitchen

Kitchen: At Downton Abbey, this is where the food is prepared and  a lot of the downstairs drama takes place, other than in the Servant's Hall, naturally

Kitchen: At Downton Abbey, this is where the food is prepared and a lot of the downstairs drama takes place, other than in the Servant’s Hall, naturally. Serves 8 hot meals a day, which seems a bit much even by Hobbit standards.

On a large British grand estate like Downton Abbey, the kitchen is probably one of the busier rooms since it’s where all the food is prepared before arriving to the dining room to serve. As we see on Downton Abbey, you can guess that the Crawleys entertain a lot, especially during special occasions like banquets, balls, parties, weddings, holidays, or when guests arrive. And when visitors and house guests arrive, you can expect Mrs. Patmore and her kitchen staff working into overdrive just to provide the most impressive and delicious meals consisting of at least a dinner with 3 courses or more. Nevertheless, since it was a room for food preparation, it was a servant domain located either in the basement or ground floor. And before the advent of the Servant Halls and Quarters, it was where they ate, socialized, spent their free time, or sometimes even slept. But while the kitchen staff at Downton have the luxuries of tiled floors, closed gas stoves, electricity, indoor plumbing, cupboards, and other industrial conveniences, this wouldn’t have been the case if Downton Abbey took place at a time before the Industrial Revolution. In Colonial America, kitchens were either built in the back of the house or as separate buildings due to the obvious fire hazards (at a time when kitchen fires were very common, by the way). And in Tudor times, let’s just say you’d want to stay the hell out of any of their estate kitchens since it was a dirty, hot, dangerous, and miserable place in which food took hours to cook over an open fire. It also wasn’t unusual for the kitchen staff at Henry VIII’s Hampton Court to cook in the nude on many occasions just to cool off, which probably isn’t something you’d see on The Tudors for obvious reasons. And it probably didn’t help that he had to have six lavish weddings either. Nevertheless, without further adieu, I bring you a list of servants you might’ve seen on a large grand estate like Downton Abbey.

1. Clerk of the Kitchen
Function: Responsible for supervising the kitchen, including the work of the female cook and her subordinates. Ordered table provisions, negotiated with the green grocer, baker, and butcher. Disbursed funds allocated by house steward for payment of provisions to tradesmen for their services. Guardian of the pantry. Ensured meals were served on time and properly prepared this type of food preparation. Sometimes the chef held this position.
Pay and Benefits: Well, higher than most of the kitchen staff but salary depended on size of the household. Yet, he did have his own quarters.
Status: Well, at least Senior Servants.
Hours: Works a daily schedule on the estate from at least dawn to dusk.
Typical Candidate: Must be male and have a certain amount of experience in management and the kitchen.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey yet, this is more of an 18th century job anyway. However, Mrs. Patmore does most of this positions duties herself though Mrs. Hughes has the key to the pantry.

2. Chef/Man-Cook

Chef/Man-Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the job a lady's maid's nephew aspires to be even though he's just a second footman. Still, gets his chance to train at the Ritz Hotel through hard work and sheer luck in Season 4.

Chef/Man-Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the job a lady’s maid’s nephew aspires to be even though he’s just a second footman. Still, gets his chance to train at the Ritz Hotel through hard work and sheer luck in Season 4.

Function: In charge of kitchen staff and responsible for preparing the family’s meals and the kitchen staff.
Pay and Benefits: Varies considerably depending on the household and the male cook’s prestige (a famous chef for the royal family could be paid as much as 300 pounds {$32,000}). Always paid more than female cooks though. Had his own room or cottage depending on marital status or level of expertise.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff though rank below Butler and Housekeeper if present. Ate in the kitchen.
Hours: From early morning until evening with free time in the afternoon save on special dinners.
Typical Candidate: Well, from the 19th century onwards, most male cooks had to be familiar with French cuisine. Yet, whenever the cook is male, French guys are usually preferred (at least in Great Britain).
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey (since male cooks weren’t employed on estates at the time unless they were chefs). However, Alfred Nugent does leave Downton to train as one in Season 4.

3. Cook

Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the person responsible for cooking all the food and supervising the kitchen. This job goes to a cantankerous and no nonsense middle-aged woman who rules her kitchen with an iron rod and quick tongue. But she can make anyone with a strong anti-British culinary prejudice enjoy English food. Doesn't permit profanity unless she's doing the swearing. Also takes a lot of frustrations on her staff. Hey, what do you expect from someone who has to cook 8 hot meals a day?

Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the person responsible for cooking all the food and supervising the kitchen. This job goes to a cantankerous and no nonsense middle-aged woman who rules her kitchen with an iron rod and quick tongue. But she can make anyone with a strong anti-British culinary prejudice enjoy English food. Yet, she’s utterly hopeless with the electric mixer. Doesn’t permit profanity unless she’s doing the swearing. Hates makeup. Also takes a lot of frustrations on her staff she treats as her own children. Hey, what do you expect from someone who has to cook 8 hot meals a day?

Function: Responsible for preparing meals and in charge of the kitchen staff. Charged with making a menu for lunch and dinner as well as orders tradespeople to serve the house while in town. Makes soup for the following day as well as that day’s pastry, jellies, creams, and entrees, all in the morning. Also has to lock doors and windows to the basement, let the kitchen fire burn low, to turn off the gas in the kitchen and hallways before going to bed. Other responsibilities depend on size of household staff.
Pay and Benefits: In a modest home, she could be paid as little as 30 pounds ($3,200) and at most more than the butler yet rank below him. Also has her own room or cottage on the estate depending on marital status.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff. Addressed as “Mrs.” regardless of marital status if female. Ranks at least below the Butler and Housekeeper and above everyone else. Is only answerable to the family. However, if female, isn’t as prestigious as a male cook though but in rank, she was second only to the housekeeper among the female staff. Ate in the kitchen.
Hours: From early morning to late at night after dinner. Always has breakfast first before proceeding to make it for everyone else. Usually free in the afternoon save for special occasions like a dinner party or guests.
Typical Candidate: If female, she’s usually a woman who’s risen through the ranks after starting as a kitchen maid. Sought after for her sophisticated and practical knowledge.
Characters who had this job: Mrs. Beryl Patmore has this job at Downton Abbey and does about everything described above. She’s well known for her craft as well as worked at Downton for over 20 years as of Season 4. Still, she’s also known for her temper, but this is typical for most cooks at the time.

4. Confectioner
Function: Responsible with preparing candies and other confections for the estate during large dinners. Also, helps preserve foodstuffs and other ingredients.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure anyone working in this position would’ve gotten a nice compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff. Addressed by last name and reported to Cook. Dined with kitchen staff.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone who’s been trained and possesses knowledge pertaining to making confections and food preservation.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but probably does on grander estates.

5. Baker
Function: Responsible for preparing and making bread and other baked goods.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure anyone in this position would receive a nice compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Cook. Dined with kitchen staff.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone who’s been trained in a bake shop for a certain number of years.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but probably does on grander estates.

6. Pastry Cook
Function: Responsible for preparing the pastry dishes and baked goods for the family during a large banquet on special occasions.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure a person in this position received a great compensation with room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff. Addressed by last name. Reported to Cook and dined with kitchen staff.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone who’s been trained and possesses a wide range of knowledge regarding pastries and other baked delights. Could be either gender.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but it probably does on grander estates.

7. Undercook or Assistant Cook

Undercook or Assistant Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young woman who's complained about being a lowly scullery/kitchen maid for a good 8 years without being promoted. Also, had to go through a deathbed marriage with a dying soldier who once served as the second footman. Though she may someday get to run her father-in-law's farm.

Undercook or Assistant Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young woman who’s complained about being a lowly scullery/kitchen maid for a good 8 years without being promoted. Also, had to go through a deathbed marriage with a dying soldier who once served as the second footman. Though she may someday get to run her father-in-law’s farm.

Function: Apprentice to the cook or chef. Prepares meals for the staff. In larger households, she was the head kitchen maid as well as was responsible for much of the plain cooking.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported directly to Cook and ate in the kitchen.
Hours: Usually early morning to late at night. Sort of the same as the cook.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman who’s had experience as a kitchen maid as well as quite skilled.
Characters who had this job: Daisy Mason is promoted to Assistant Cook after serving as a kitchen maid at Downton Abbey for 8 years in by Season 3 and she managed that mostly by complaining. Yet, she’s also known as a good cook though.

8.  Kitchen Maid

Kitchen Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job an aspiring Assistant Cook wants filled so badly unless it's by a girl who steals  the heart of the footman of her affections. Likes to attract guys but isn't interested in anything serious. Will take the first promotion opportunity she could get, even if it means leaving the country.

Kitchen Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job an aspiring Assistant Cook wants filled so badly unless it’s by a girl who steals the heart of the footman of her affections. Likes to attract guys but isn’t interested in anything serious. Will take the first promotion opportunity she could get, even if it means leaving the country.

Function: Basically her job was to assist the cook in preparing the meals and overseeing everything in the kitchen such as cleanliness, efficiency, and food preparation. Also answered to dining table demands on a daily basis. In smaller households, they can prepare vegetables, game, and poultry, do dairy work, and bake bread. If there was no still room made, they also made cakes for lunch, tea, and dessert as well as rolls for breakfast.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds a year as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Cook and ate in the kitchen.
Hours: Usually from early morning to late at night. Same as the cook.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried young woman at least in her teens though often very skilled or having ambition to be so.
Characters who had this job: Daisy starts out with this job at Downton Abbey in Seasons 1-3. By Season 3, she’s worked as a kitchen maid for 8 years (yet, an estate like Downton would certainly have at least 2-3). Ivy Stuart has this in Seasons 3-4, but since she left to be Harold Levinson’s cook in Season 4, this position is vacant.

9. Dairy Maid
Function: Responsible for churning butter, milking cows, transporting milk, as well as preparing creams and cheeses.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds a year ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Cook.
Hours: Usually from sunrise to late at night as far as I know.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman at least in her teens who had some general knowledge on dairy products (like someone who grew up on a dairy farm).
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey as far as I can tell. In fact, due to large scale dairy farming, this job might’ve become obsolete by the 20th century. Mrs. Patmore probably just got her dairy products from the open market. Still, they’re best known for inadvertently helping Edward Jenner develop the small pox vaccine (since the cowpox made them immune from the virus) but this was in the 18th century.

10. Scullery Maid

Scullery Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you'd give to an impressionable teenage girl with a crush on the resident asshole who witnesses the boss's wife, daughter, and Head House Maid carry a dead Turk out of the daughter's bedroom in the middle of the night. Gives rise to the Kemal Pamuk scandal.

Scullery Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you’d give to an impressionable teenage girl with a crush on the resident asshole who witnesses the boss’s wife, daughter, and Head House Maid carry a dead Turk out of the daughter’s bedroom in the middle of the night. Gives rise to the Kemal Pamuk scandal. Best girl to have dying soldier marry.

Function: Responsible for cleaning and scouring the pots and pans as well as cooking utensils and stoves. She also cleaned vegetables, scrubbed scales off fish, plucked poultry, provided hot water for the house, lit fires to heat water, and cleaned away garbage and debris off floor. Duties included cleaning the servants’ hall, scullery, larders, and kitchen hallways. Might’ve cleaned and emptied chamber pots as well as assisted in watching or cooking food. Other responsibilities may vary depending on size of staff and household.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff as well as often the lowest ranked female servant in the household. She wasn’t allowed to touch any luxuries like the china, silver, or glass. Reported to Cook and ate in the kitchen.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:00 am to 10:000pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a teenage girl between 10-16 years old and maybe even younger as well as from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job does not really exist on Downton Abbey, yet Daisy and Ivy Stuart fulfill duties of both this and the Kitchen Maid (an estate like Downton would’ve employed at least 2-3 of them).

11. Provision Boy
Function: Assisted the kitchen in fetching supplies.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of Lowest Staff and possibly among the lowest positions. Addressed by first name. Reported to Cook and dined in kitchen.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy who could be as young as 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 2-The Butler’s Pantry

Butler: At Downton Abbey, this is the guy who's in charge of the household staff as well as the post you assume on an estate after a failed showbiz career and a relationship in which your girlfriend dumped you for your Vaudeville partner. Though fatherly and stiff, can be quite amusing when trying to hopelessly interact with new technology like a phonograph or a telephone.

Butler: At Downton Abbey, this is the guy who’s in charge of the household staff as well as the post you assume on an estate after a failed showbiz career and a relationship in which your girlfriend dumped you for your Vaudeville partner. Though fatherly and stiff with a rigid code of conduct, can be quite amusing when trying to hopelessly interact with new technology like a phonograph or a telephone. Yet, suggest that a maid serve a duke in the dining room and he’ll think society collapse is inevitable.

The role of the butler is one of the more recognizable jobs in a Great House or a large estate and Downton Abbey is no exception. On Downton Abbey (and in most media in general), he’s seen as head of the household staff and sometimes attends to his every master’s need (though this is more of valet’s job description, which I’ll get to later). On one end, he can be well dressed, unfailingly polite, devoted to his employer despite being more level headed and smarter than his boss. On the other end, he could be a manipulative schemer who could kill his boss during a dinner party. However, while we usually see the Butler as the most senior employee nowadays, this wasn’t always the case in history and could sometimes depend on the household. In fact, the butler’s original purpose was to look after the wine in the cellar and was of middle rank yet later this included cheese, bread, and other basic provisions sometimes known as the butler’s pantry. Yet, from the 17th to 19th centuries, his stature slowly rose even though sometimes, he wasn’t always the servant in charge and could be outranked whether it be by the valet or Groom of the Chambers. But nevertheless, the liveried butler is still the most familiar intermediary between the upstairs world and the downstairs staff. So without further adieu, here are the jobs relating to the Butler and his retinue from the Butler’s Pantry.

1. Groom of the Chambers
Function: Responsible for announcing company, answering bells, making sure the principal seeing rooms are in proper order as well as supplied with pens, ink, candles, and paper. Also assist in decorating such as flower displays, making sure card tables have cards, and sees that rooms are in proper order. Keeps a book of invitations given to his employers to remind of their engagements as well as arranges invitations for special events. Sees that guests are properly attended. Supervised servants and specialized in furniture maintenance.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he receives a generous sum of money as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the master or House Steward. May even outrank the butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who spent considerable time as a footman, butler, or other member of the male staff with leadership skills.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but it’s likely that the estate might’ve had one. Then again, Carson performs a lot of this job’s duties anyway and might’ve went obsolete in the late 19th century.

2. Butler
Function: Highest official servant and responsible for running the house and from the 19th century onward assumed the House Manager’s responsibilities. Charged with supervising the footmen, the plate chest (making sure it’s properly cleaned before use), and affairs relating to any alcohol purchased and consumed by the household (such as keeping accounts, decanting it for lunch and dinner, and putting it away after every meal). Can even bottle wine and brew beer. Takes over valet’s duty when there’s not one in the household. Announces visitors during afternoon hours, readies rooms for use every day, as well as tidies them. Also, polishes the silver and keeps it in pristine condition. Responsibilities depend on the size of the establishment.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 40-60 pounds ($4,300-$6,400). Also receives gratuity money from vendors selling goods to maintain the house. Has his own room on the estate or a cottage if married.
Status: Highest ranking of an official servant and is only answerable to the family.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5am-10pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a seasoned male veteran of the domestic service establishment who’s risen through the ranks over his career. Most butlers usually served many other positions while in the same house.
Characters who had this job: Mr. Charles Carson is Downton Abbey’s resident butler and does possibly everything described above except make alcohol and take over the valet’s duties (which Thomas does). Not surprisingly, he’s been working at Downton longer than any of the other staff or at least as early as the 1890s before the Crawley girls were born (then again, he may have been a servant before his career in Vaudeville).

3. Under Butler

Under Butler: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the estate's resident scheming asshole after he's caught sexually assaulting a footman in his bedroom. Sure he's worked as a footman for over 10 years, served as NCO in the war, and has experience as a valet. But, really, that incident could've landed him jail, let alone get him fired.

Under Butler: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the estate’s resident scheming asshole after he’s caught sexually assaulting a footman in his bedroom. Sure he’s worked as a footman for over 10 years, served as NCO in the war, and has experience as a valet. But, really, that incident could’ve landed him jail, let alone get him fired. Talk about giving a promotion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Function: Shares many of the butler’s duties but is only second to him among the male staff as well as takes control of staff when butler’s away. Also, takes over as a footman during special occasions. Responsibilities may vary according to household. Though not all estates have this position.
Pay and Benefits: Well, less than the butler as well as housekeeper and his own room or cottage at the estate depending on his marital status.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and only answerable to the Butler. Addressed by last name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5am-10pm.
Typical Candidate: Again, a male veteran of the domestic service who’s worked for the household for quite some time to rise through the ranks.
Characters who had this job: Thomas Barrow has had this job at Downton Abbey since Season 3 (after an incident that would’ve gotten him jailed, let alone fired in real life. Then again, his homosexuality has been an open secret at Downton anyway. However, since he’s the resident baddie {especially after O’Brien left}, his position at Downton is relatively secure unless Rob James-Collier wants off the show). Nevertheless, Thomas has been working at Downton for over a decade.

4. First Footman

First Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the handsome footman who's kind of a prick not above hazing his competition. Though this job may not get him laid by the kitchen maid who has a crush on him, it may make him prone to some awkward moments of unwanted sexual  attention.

First Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the handsome footman who’s kind of a prick not above hazing his competition. Though this job may not get him laid by the kitchen maid who has a crush on him, it may make him prone to some awkward moments of unwanted sexual attention. Also has a former boss who won’t leave him alone.

Function: Next in line to replace butler (unless there’s an under butler in the household staff), with his main job to be tall, handsome, and to represent the estate’s grandeur. Aside from regular footman duties, he accompanied the lady of the house on shopping trips, served the family meals, and assisted the butler.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30 pounds a year ($3,200) as well as room and board (though he typically had to share one). However, like most footmen, the taller and handsomer he was (or the more similar he resembled the second footman), the more he got paid. Could be supplemented by 5-15 pounds annually ($500-$1,500) in tips and other gifts from the lady of the house.
Status: Highest ranking member of the Lower Staff. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually the footman who’s spent either the longest time at the estate. If not, then hotness and height.
Characters who had this job: Thomas Barrow starts out as the first footman in Seasons 1 and 3 until his promotion to under butler. Onwards, it’s been Jimmy Kent as of Season 4.

5. Second Footman

Second Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to a military age guy who's not the resident asshole or romantically pursuing the boss's daughter. Mainly exists as a nice guy to get killed off in WWI during Season 2. Because we all know that someone at Downton had to get it.

Second Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to a military age guy who’s not the resident asshole or romantically pursuing the boss’s daughter. Mainly exists as a nice guy to get killed off in WWI during Season 2, dying peacefully after his rushed death bed wedding with the kitchen maid. Because we all know that someone at Downton had to get it.

Function: Similar to the first footman but in an apprenticeship capacity.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) but can depend on hotness, height, and resemblance to the first footman, as well as having to share a room.
Status: Member of Lower Staff. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually the footman who’s spent a long time on at the estate. Yet, if he bore a resemblance to the first footman or was reasonably hot or tall, it was even better.
Characters who had this job: William Mason was Downton Abbey’s second footman until he joined the army in Season 2 (yet was killed in WWI so didn’t return to his post. However, since he, Thomas, and Branson were the only servants of military age on the estate, his death was no surprise.) And from Season 3 to the time he left for culinary school in London, Alfred Nugent served this post (of course, he was hired as a footman only because he was O’Brien’s nephew but he probably would’ve just gotten to work as one at Downton due to being 6’4” alone). Since then, it’s been Joseph Molesley (who probably got in since he was Matthew’s valet and aching for a job) as of Season 4.

6. Footman

Footman: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to men that are: complete assholes, kind-hearted cannon fodder, culinary aspiring nephews of lady's maids, guys fleeing the unwanted attentions of a female boss, and ex-valets desperate for employment after their boss suddenly died in a car accident on the way home from the hospital.

Footman: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to men that are: complete assholes, kind-hearted cannon fodder, culinary aspiring nephews of lady’s maids, guys fleeing the unwanted attentions of a female boss, and ex-valets desperate for employment after their boss suddenly died in a car accident on the way home from the hospital.

Function: Male staff part of the butler’s pantry department. Usual duties include laying the table, answering the door, waiting at the table, receiving and carrying packages and mail, and accompanying the family while traveling on foot, carriage, or car. Also looked after male guests who came without a valet. May even carry heavy items and move furniture for the house maids. Their roles were similar to waiters, bodyguards, busboys, and escorts.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of at least 20 pounds ($2,100) as well as room and board. Pay also depended on the footman’s looks such as height and hotness since they were meant to be seen by family and guests. A footman over 5’10” could earn as much as 40 pounds a year (which may be over $3,500), (Alfred could’ve earned this much money).
Status: Member of the Lower Staff. However, since they were hired to be seen, the notion of a handsome footman was the 19th century equivalent of the hot pool boy. And yes, affairs between footmen and their mistresses did occur. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler. Have expensive livery uniforms, refined mannerisms, and general appearance. Still, an estate like Downton Abbey usually had 4 of them.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Well, must be an unmarried young man of great height and reasonably hot. Most were in their late teens and 20s (Moseley would’ve not been hired as a footman in real life since he’s balding and may be over 30. Yet, was made one nevertheless to keep him on the show. Yet, despite Alfred’s not being a servant before, he certainly would since he’s 6’4” tall {even if he wasn’t O’Brien’s nephew}.) Butlers usually had this position before rising to their current position.
Characters who had this job: Let’s see for there’s quite a list of footmen at Downton Abbey. Well, Season 1 has Thomas Barrow (until Season 3) and William Mason while Season 3 has Alfred Nugent and Jimmy Kent. However, since Thomas’ promotion and Alfred’s departure, it’s been Jimmy Kent and Joseph Moseley as of Season 4. Also, Carson was most likely a footman while the Crawley girls were young.

7. Page or Tea Boy
Function: Apprentice footman responsible for attending a person of distinction as well as guests. May have even served other servants in the Servants’ Hall.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($860-$1,700) depending on age, appearance, height, and abilities.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between 10-16 years old from the lower classes as well as shows higher ambition. A lot of footman started out this way.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but I’m sure someone like Thomas Barrow and Carson worked as one for a time.

8. Hall Boy
Function: Assistant to the lowest footman who takes cards in the hall, polishes shoes and boots of visitors, and empties chamber pots.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and one of lowest male servant ranks. Addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between 10-16 years old and from the lower classes. Many footmen, valets, and butlers started out this way.
Characters who had this job: Well, this job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey but it’s likely that men like Thomas Barrow and Carson might have worked as one.

9. Pantry Boy
Function: Responsible for maintaining the pantry as far as I know.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and one of the lowest ranked male servants. Reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy or a teenager at least 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey. However, outside the show and in real life, this the job real life butler Eugene Allen started out with during his long career at the White House. So this job definitely existed somewhere.

10. Boot Boy
Function: Responsible for cleaning, polishing, and caring for the household members’ boots and shoes as well as other odd jobs.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and lowest ranking male servant. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy or teenager. May be as young as 10 or even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist at Downton Abbey. Yet, these boys weren’t meant to be seen.