A Letter on the American Health Care Act

The United States House of Representatives has just passed the phenomenally unpopular American Healthcare Act which is nothing but a complete travesty and a moral disgrace. The bill in question will repeal the Affordable Care Act as well as institute a healthcare policy that would take away or worsen coverage from millions of Americans, especially those on Medicaid and/or with preexisting conditions. In addition, the AHCA would allow states to apply for a waiver to opt out most of the regulations and consumer protections Obamacare gives. Under these waivers, states could allow insurance companies to charge older people 5 times more than the young for the same policy. They can eliminate required coverage called essential health benefits such as maternity care, mental health care, emergency services, hospitalization, preventive care, substance abuse treatment, and prescription drugs. And they can charge more or deny coverage to those with preexisting conditions like cancer, diabetes, or arthritis. Not to mention, these waivers can also impact those with employer-based health insurance because they’d allow insurers to offer policies with annual and lifetime limits that the ACA bans. And some companies may choose those policies for their workers to lower their premiums. Never have I seen any form of legislation emanating such disdain for the most vulnerable suffering among us. And what horrifies me more is that these 217 Republicans would proudly cast their vote for such appalling disrespect of human dignity. This is a moral outrage and there’s absolutely no justification for it. These 217 Republicans don’t deserve any respect or recognition as decent human beings. Because no principled legislator, Democrat or Republican, would vote for a horrendous bill like this or celebrate taking healthcare away from their constituents afterwards.

For Republicans to craft such policy in the first place is nothing but monstrous cruelty. So it goes without saying that the AHCA is a bill that nobody asked for and nobody wants. The whole healthcare industry and medical establishment virtually condemned it. Countless polls show that the overwhelming majority of Americans hate it for very good reasons. Experts tore it to shreds. But 217 Republicans voted to pass this wretched AHCA anyway despite such strong objections, including from their own constituents who elected them. Congressional Republicans just moved this travesty to the floor with no Congressional Budget Office Score, no committee hearings, no studies, and very few public discussions. It was all put to the floor in secrecy and haste. And Republicans tried to sell this bill with a campaign of flat-out lies and deceit. Cheeto Head has promised to cover everyone, even those who can’t afford healthcare. Republicans repeatedly promised that the AHCA would give Americans more choice and lower premiums and deductibles. Even House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy swore that nobody would have their Medicaid taken away from them. But they’ve opposed any specific healthcare plan that does these things and refuse to defend their policy outcome their actual position would bring about. What’s in the AHCA clearly reflects this.

I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who’d support this nightmare bill that is nothing but a disaster to all Americans. The American Healthcare Act is just a $1 trillion tax cut scheme to benefit their selfish donors who don’t want to pay for someone else’s medical treatment. But it’s a scheme that would cause tens of millions to lose coverage, slash hundreds of millions of dollars from Medicaid, and send premiums skyrocketing for older and poorer Americans. If it becomes law, the consequences will be absolutely devastating. The AHCA will kill significant numbers of Americans. Some will lose their Medicaid, won’t go to the doctor, and will wind up finding out too late that they’re sick. There will also be some whose serious conditions will put up against lifetime limits or render them unable to afford what’s on offer in the high-risk pools and suddenly can’t get treatment. Families will go bankrupt due to high medical bills. Such notions aren’t abstractions or exaggerations but the reality. To millions of Americans, whether the AHCA became law isn’t just a matter of politics or even morality. It’s a matter of life or death.

What the AHCA vote to pass it shows that 217 congressional Republicans don’t think their lives matter and are indifferent to their suffering. And it’s even worse that they celebrate their morally abominable actions with carts of booze and liquor rolling in to the chambers. Now they have blood on their hands. These people must be held to account as well their decision can and should be a career-defining vote for every member of the House. No congressman voting for such vicious legislation should ever be allowed to forget it. Angry and betrayed constituents should make their intensity and revulsion of what their representatives had done clear. And these reps should be challenged about it at every townhall meeting, at every campaign debate, in every election, and every day with letters and phone calls. Even if this malicious bill never becomes law and its potential harm averted, it still doesn’t excuse its supporters’ moral responsibility. The AHCA is one of the most critical moments of American history and an act of unspeakable cruelty that should haunt those who supported it to the end of their days.

As a Catholic, liberal, and American, I believe that healthcare is a fundamental human right that should be guaranteed for all. To me, a for-profit market healthcare system the United States currently has simply shouldn’t exist. Nobody should be denied healthcare, especially when they need it. To deny a sick person needed care for whatever reason is nothing short of discrimination at best and a human rights violation at worst. Your access to healthcare shouldn’t be determined by what job you have or whether you got one, how much money you make, whether you have a preexisting condition, whatever health plan you have, how sick you are, who your parents are, where you live, or whatever else. All Americans are entitled to seek the medical treatment they need without breaking the bank. And nobody should die for being denied a medical treatment that would’ve saved their life.

Unfortunately, much of the country doesn’t see it that way since the for-profit healthcare is what dominates the US medical system which I strongly believe is discriminatory, costly, and unsustainable. Though Obamacare has significantly expanded coverage for millions of Americans as well as achieved significant progress, there’s still a long way to go. It may not cover everyone nor is it perfect, but the fact it has improved and increased healthcare coverage for millions of Americans who’d otherwise wouldn’t have makes it worthy to uphold for the time being. If Obamacare should be repealed and replaced, then it might as well be in favor of a single payer system or at a plan that at least fixes its problems. Any healthcare plan that provides anything less is unacceptable. Any plan that takes coverage away from any Americans and makes healthcare even more unaffordable is morally reprehensible. And anyone in Congress who supports a healthcare plan like the AHCA doesn’t stand for their constituents’ interests. Sure they may not believe healthy people shouldn’t pay for sick people’s care. But such constructs are utterly indefensible when American lives are at stake. Besides, the idea of healthy people paying for the sick is how health insurance works. It’s not anyone’s fault for getting sick, injured, mentally ill, or having a disability. So why should they be punished for not pulling their weight if they can’t afford treatment? There’s no reason for it because they certainly don’t deserve to die.

As the American Healthcare Act moves to the Senate, the lives and futures of Americans are now at stake. People are deeply terrified of this bill becoming law. Regardless of party affiliation, the US Senate must do everything it can to make sure the AHCA dies and never becomes law. The fight for affordable healthcare in America isn’t a matter of political football. It’s a matter of life or death. To support the AHCA is to defend the indefensible. To threaten access to people’s healthcare is irresponsible, inexcusable, and dangerous. And it flagrantly violates our nation’s values. Clearly, Americans deserve a better healthcare plan than this utter monstrosity. And they deserve better representatives with the 217 Republicans who just sold their souls. There’s nothing decent about the AHCA and no lawmaker should ever vote for it. And its passage in the House of Representatives doesn’t reflect the will of the American people at all nor brings credit to our nation’s ideals. The last thing the United States needs right now is to return to the horrors of the pre-Obamacare system which the AHCA seeks to bring back. For the love of God, I plead to my fellow Americans to not have us go through that hell again. And if it becomes law, I will absolutely not stand for it. Enough is enough and we can’t allow this catastrophe. The AHCA must die for the sake of the nation. These are the times that try men’s souls as now is the winter of our discontent. And we do what we can until the AHCA is completely dead before it ever gets to Trump’s desk. Because if it gets there, we’re all fucked.

The Deadly Infectious Vaccine Myths Needing Eradicated

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I often do my best to avoid telling parents how to raise their children. However, since it’s come to my attention that more US states are loosening their vaccination exemptions. And today a growing number of parents are refusing to vaccinate their children which I think is extremely irresponsible and dangerous to public health. Many of these parents refuse to get their kids vaccinated because internet misinformation such as the idea that vaccines cause autism promoted by Jenny McCarthy. Yet, these falling immunization rates correspond with recent resurgences of vaccine-preventable diseases. In 2010, an outbreak in California 9,120 cases of whooping cough, more than any year since the whooping cough vaccine was introduced in the 1940s. 10 babies too young to be vaccinated for the disease died during the outbreak. In some outbreaks, some children have been left severely and permanently injured or disabled. The New England Journal of Medicine said that anti-vaxxer activities resulted in a high cost to society “including damage to individual and community well-being from outbreaks of previously controlled diseases, withdrawal of vaccine manufacturers from the market, compromising of national security (in the case of anthrax and smallpox vaccines), and lost productivity.” A 2011 journal described the vaccine-autism connection as, “perhaps the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.” But despite that scientific studies have debunked the non-existent vaccine-autism link, hundreds of parents still believe in this fraudulent claim and don’t get their kids vaccinated, which continue to greatly damage public health.

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For all my readers on my blog and visitors, as a member of the autistic community, I sincerely plead with you not to listen to Jenny McCarthy. Sure she might have a child diagnosed with autism (or misdiagnosed), but she’s a prominent anti-vaxxer who promotes dangerous misinformation that have led to dangerous outbreaks as well as demonize a whole group of people. I may not be an expert in vaccines or autism. But I know a lot more about either than her. So listen to me instead.

I am on the autism spectrum. I have gone great lengths to avoid the subject of vaccines for as long as I could because I didn’t want people to see me as an autistic person. I didn’t want that fact to distract people from seeing me as the person I am who just happens to be autistic. Nor do I ever try to gain anything from except services I need so I can live independently from my parents someday. But since far too many people think the decision whether to get your kids vaccinated is like choosing whether you kid can have a puppy, I don’t see myself as having a choice. I may not be anywhere near as famous as Jenny McCarthy. But I consider myself more of an authority on autism than her since I am autistic though my experience doesn’t mirror everyone in the autistic community. And despite being diagnosed at 12, I’ve certainly had it long before receiving my shots like before birth. Personally, I see the anti-vaxxer idea of vaccines causing autism as resoundingly false and dangerous ideology that could lead to a public health crisis. I also find the frequently debunked autism-vaccine link deeply offensive and dehumanizing. I mean saying that vaccines cause autism is like saying that having autism is worse than contracting a potentially deadly communicable disease. Sorry, but as an autistic woman with a B.A. in history, it just doesn’t hold up for me. Have I had it hard living with autism, especially in getting a job and establishing social contacts? Yes, though I didn’t let it stop me from doing well in school and graduating from college or building up my blog and starting out as a writer. I may not be completely satisfied with my life right now and wish I had a better way to earn money than go on an exhaustive job search I see as a waste of time. But in some ways I have it better than a lot of other people in my age group. I have supportive parents and family members as well as a passion that gives me direction in life. Blogging on WordPress may not give me the money to pay my bills but at least I earn something from it and find the work more rewarding than trying to get a job.

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Here’s another anti-vaxxer who has no idea of how autism and vaccines work. Yes, I know he’s an entitled rich sociopath who regularly promotes conspiracy theories on his Twitter feed and lies all the time. But somehow the Conald managed to convince over 60 million Americans to elect him president (though he didn’t win the popular vote). I know he’s an utter embarrassment and I did what I could to not make this happen. I sincerely apologize.

Vaccines are a great pillar of modern medicine. Before vaccines, life was especially brutal for children with huge portions dying from diseases like measles, smallpox, whooping cough, or rubella, along with others. Today a single injection can completely prevent these ailments in a number of ways. Nevertheless, we should never forget how many deaths and illnesses vaccines have prevented and continue to do so. Vaccines have been so beneficial to society that it’s no wonder practically all jurisdictions make them mandatory. For parents, having one’s children vaccinated on schedule isn’t just a parental responsibility but also a community obligation. Not vaccinating your kids not only leaves them exposed to danger unprotected, but also other kids and adults who can’t be vaccinated. Now that we have an anti-vaxxer in the White House, a Health and Human Services Secretary who was once part of an organization that’s espoused anti-vaxxer views, and a bullshit anti-vaxxer documentary shown at a film festival, I feel that we must debunk the falsehoods as I have in this list.

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Here’s a poster with anti-vaxxer bullshit on how vaccines cause autism. Sorry, but just because vaccines and autism diagnostic rates have increased over the years doesn’t mean there’s a correlation between the two. Besides, autism was never an epidemic and its dramatic rise only indicates that it just happens to be far more common than we thought. Also, there are unvaccinated children who do have autism like those living in 3rd world countries.

  1. Vaccines cause autism.– Sorry, but that hypothesis has been completely discredited that 1997 Lancet article on the MMR vaccine by British surgeon Andrew Wakefield who now addressed as Mr. Wakefield these days. The Lancet eventually retracted that paper due to serious procedural errors, undisclosed financial conflicts, financial conflicts of interest, and ethical violations. Furthermore, no scientific study afterwards has found any link between vaccines and the likelihood developing autism. Oh, and the fact in 2011, a “vaccine court” ruled against over 5,000 families claiming vaccines caused their children’s autism. Though causes of autism remain a mystery, most scientists believe genetics are certainly involved and identified autistic symptoms in children well before receiving the MMR vaccine. Further research provides evidence that autism develops in utero well before the baby is born or receives vaccinations. At any rate, the most effective way to prevent your kid getting autism is avoiding sexual contact with an autistic adult. Even that’s not 100% effective due to congenital mutations, possibly environmental factors, higher paternal age, pregnancy-related conditions, and that there’s no foolproof way of knowing who’s autistic and who’s not. Hell, there’s a good chance you or someone you know might have autism and not even know it. Because while there’s been an increase of children being diagnosed with autism, there’s also been an increase in adults as well. Many times the adults are the kids’ parents who don’t find out until after their kid’s diagnosis. Also, more families are experiencing multiple members with autism than ever before. So if one kid has autism, there’s an extremely good chance their sibling will have it, too. This is especially if autistic child and their sibling are identical twins. So the cause of autism has many genetic paths sometimes through familial inheritance or congenital mutations. Let’s just say autism prevention isn’t worth it unless you either get yourself sterilized or try celibacy. If anything, it’s very likely that autism may be underdiagnosed in both kids and adults, especially among females, minorities, and the poor. As someone with autism, I find blaming vaccines for autism to be extremely offensive and irresponsible. It’s very clear that these anti-vaxxers don’t know a thing about autism and think it’s worse than having a child suffer and die from some communicable disease. Having autism wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me. But I concealed that fact for years from fellow classmates, friends, and students since I was diagnosed at 12 because I didn’t want to deal with the stigma and the fact I didn’t fit in with their idea of autism. A lot of the people I grew up with would find it almost impossible to believe that an autistic person could be substantially more intelligent and articulate than them. Yet, I also have my limitations such as sensitivity to loud noises and an inability to filter distractions which is a major reason why I still don’t have a driver’s license. While my social skills have drastically improved over the years thanks to a childhood of speech therapy at school and medications, many concepts of social interaction don’t come natural to me. And a lot of what I had to learn about social norms and communication I had to learn. When I was a little, I didn’t start talking until I was 4 years old and was a very hyperactive and curious toddler who’d often get into things I wasn’t supposed to. Oh, and I also exhibited obsessive and repetitive behaviors like lining my stuffed animals on the couch and giving them books to read. Nevertheless, it’s an integral part of who I am which I would never change though it doesn’t necessarily define me. But many anti-vaxxers and the general public don’t understand there are different recognized versions of autism along a spectrum so no two cases are the same. The rise in autism rates has more to do with the fact that scientists have redefine what constitutes it, which explains why I was diagnosed at 12 instead of 2 (though I had early intervention, medication, and speech therapy anyway). Because back in the early 1990s, autistic children were widely perceived as intellectually disabled while my toddler self could open child locks. So it was an ADHD diagnosis for me. But even when it was under the radar, I’ve always had it. There is no autism epidemic for it has always been there whether those with it have been diagnosed or not. Those autism rates don’t reflect on who has autism, they just indicate those known to have it. And most autistic people including myself don’t see their condition as a disease needing to be cured. Though they could use attention, support, and resources that all too often go to misguided efforts to find one devilish, monolithic cause of the alleged epidemic. So to say that vaccines cause autism is not only bad science that encourages parental irresponsibility, it also marginalizes people who live with a condition many people view as a disease that it’s not.
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This woman’s statement on Facebook really says a lot about what I think of anti-vaxxer parents. Having child with autism isn’t as bad as having a kid suffer from a deadly communicable disease people died from. Seriously, autism isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person.

2. Infant immune systems can’t handle so many vaccines.-In reality, infant immune systems are much more resilient than we give them credit for. Why? Because babies are exposed to countless bacteria and viruses every day. Besides, most vaccines usually contain a weakened or dead form of the bacteria or virus in order to train the immune system to fight it. And since many of these diseases contributed to high infant and child mortality rates in the past, today’s baby immune systems actually have it easy thanks to vaccines. Based on the number of antibodies present in the blood, a baby could theoretically respond to around 10,000 vaccines at one time. Even if all 14 scheduled vaccines were given at once, it would only use up slightly more than 0.1% of their immune capacity. So vaccinating infants won’t tax their immune system since their grandparents had to handle much worse at their age or older.

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Yes, I know a lot of babies get a lot of shots as you can see from this graph. However, unlike what anti-vaxxers think, giving your baby a bunch of vaccines will only use up a very tiny fraction of their immune capacity. Also, before vaccines, then how do you think their unvaccinated ancestors survived infancy? I mean the days of pre-modern medicine had a lot of high infant mortality rates because of these bad germs.

3. Natural immunity is better than vaccine-acquired immunity.– In some cases, natural immunity like catching the disease and getting sick results in a stronger immunity to the disease than vaccination. Unfortunately, the dangers of this approach far outweigh the benefits. Of course, you could acquire a natural immunity from chicken pox with few ill effects. But contracting diseases like measles on the other hand, chances are you’d face a 1 in 500 chance of death from your symptoms. By contrast, the chance of you having a severe allergic reaction to the MMR vaccine is less than 1 in a million. Besides, even if vaccines aren’t natural so is a lot of modern medicine. So I’ll take my chances and go with the vaccine over natural immunity from deadly diseases any day of the week.

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Another anti-vaxxer myth is that vaccines contain toxins like mercury, aluminum, and formaldehyde. While it may contain some truth, they are only in very trace amounts that are well within the most stringent EPA safety guidelines or not at all.

4. Vaccines contain unsafe toxins.- People have concerns about formaldehyde, mercury, and aluminum in vaccines. While these chemicals are toxic in certain levels, FDA approved vaccines only use trace amounts if any. In fact, according to the FDA and CDC, our own metabolic systems produce formaldehyde at higher rates (10 times as much in fact). There’s no scientific evidence that low levels of this chemical, mercury, or aluminum are harmful. If you’re still worried, remember that childhood vaccines haven’t contained any mercury since 1999. And when they did, the mercury levels were well below the EPA’s most stringent public safety limits. So even if your kid received a vaccine containing thimerosal, the overwhelming majority of data supports a lack of association between the substance and neurological problems. And that children are exposed to mercury from many environmental sources that according to Dr. Margaret Rennels, “The reality that a lot of people seem to miss is that the largest source of organic mercury is the environment: the air we breathe, the water we drink and the fish we eat. That’s due to the burning of coal.” As for aluminum, babies get more of that from food even in the first 6 months whether be from breast-feeding or formula.

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While better sanitation, nutrition, personal hygiene habits, and antibiotics have helped decrease infections, they don’t explain the whole story. I’ll let this graph from The Wall Street Journal speak for itself. Or you can just ask a celebrity polio survivor (they do exist).

5. Better hygiene and sanitation are actually responsible for decreased infections, not vaccines.- Sure better hygiene and sanitation have helped reduce or eliminate infectious disease rates. But so have better nutrition and the development of antibiotics as well. However, when we isolate these factors and scrutinize infectious disease rates, vaccines’ role can’t be denied. Because many infections can still spread regardless of how clean we are. For instance, when the first measles vaccine came out in 1963, infection rates had held steady at 400,000 cases a year. Hygienic and sanitation didn’t change much during the following decade, but measles infections dropped dramatically with only 25,000 cases by 1970. Another example is Hib disease. According to the CDC, its incidence rate plummeted from 20,000 in 1990 to around 1,500 in 1993 after the vaccine was introduced.

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As you see from this rag of lies, anti-vaxxers like to go out of their way to show that vaccines aren’t worth the risk. However, while vaccines do cause severe allergic reactions, the overall incident rate is like 1 in 2 million. Perhaps you should worry about bigger dangers to your children like meteors or lightning strikes.

6. Vaccines aren’t worth the risk.– Children have been successfully vaccinated for decades that there has never been a single credible study linking vaccines to long term health conditions. As for immediate danger like allergic reactions or severe side effects, the incidence of death is so rare they can’t ever truly be calculated. For example, the CDC reported only one death attributable to a vaccine between 1990 and 1992. The overall incident rate of severe allergic reactions to vaccines is usually placed around one case for every 2 million injections. Besides, vaccines are tested in more children over a longer period of time than any other drug. And when introducing a new vaccine, the FDA requires pharmaceutical companies to prove their product doesn’t pose a threat when added to the existing vaccine schedule. There’s even as special database called the U.S. Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) which can help scientists monitor vaccine safety and anyone can use the system to report a suspected side effect. And in many cases, the side effects reported are mostly coincidences and of the people who reported to VAERS about vaccines causing autism, 80% were personal injury lawyers. Not to mention, vaccine makers often take a cautious approach when writing their warning labels, listing all possible side effects even if they occur at the same rate in unvaccinated people. So your child is more likely to die from being struck by a meteor than from a vaccination.

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Here’s a chart on the types of vaccine denialists. There’s Autism Andy, Poisonous Pete, Loony Lucy, Hygenic Helen, and Naturalist Nancy. Each is an unreliable steaming pile of shit who shouldn’t be trusted.

7. Vaccines can infect children with the disease it’s trying to prevent.– Vaccines can cause mild symptoms resembling those from the disease they’re protecting against. It’s a common misconception is that these symptoms signal infection. In reality, in the less than small percentage of (less than 1 million cases) where symptoms do occur, the vaccine recipients are experiencing a body’s immune response to the vaccine, not the disease itself. There’s only one recorded instance in which the vaccine was shown to cause disease. This was the Oral Polio Vaccine (OPV), which is no longer used in the US. Since then, vaccines have been in safe use for decades and follow strict FDA regulations. Today, according to Kathryn Edwards, M.D., spokesperson for the National Network for Immunization Information, “Most vaccines we give today, such as meningitis and DTaP, contain killed vaccines—not live agents that could replicate.” Though there are some vaccines that do contain a live weakened virus to provoke an immune response such as the MMR and chicken pox immunizations.

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Here’s some more faces of vaccine denialism we’ll get to. There’s Libertarian Larry, Ruling Roger, Skeptical Sally, Prove-Me-Right Rita, Violet VAERS, and Everything Evelyn. Again, a bunch of wackjobs.

8. We don’t need to vaccinate because infection rates are already so low in the United States.- The fact infection rates are already so low in the US is because we’ve been vaccinating our kids for decades because the virus and bacteria responsible for these diseases don’t go away. Thanks to “herd immunity,” so long as a large majority of people are immunized in any population, even the unimmunized minority will be protected. With so many people resistant, an infectious disease will never get the chance to establish itself and spread. This is important because there will always be a portion of the population like infants, pregnant women, elderly, and those with weakened immune systems who can’t receive the vaccines. But if too many people don’t vaccinate themselves and their children, they contribute to collective danger and open up opportunities for viruses and bacteria to establish themselves and spread. Not to mention, since international travel is growing quickly, the CDC warn that even if a disease isn’t a threat to your country, it may be common elsewhere. If someone carries in a trip from abroad, an unvaccinated individual will be at far greater risk of getting sick if they’re exposed.

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Vaccines are very instrumental in the concept of “herd immunity.” This works when a large population gets vaccinated against a deadly virus, they can contain infectious individuals and protect those who can’t get vaccinated. If not enough people are unvaccinated, deadly diseases can come back. So for those who says as long as other kids get vaccinated that your kids don’t need to be, you totally do. Unless you’re Amish or live under a rock.

9. As long as other children are getting vaccinated, mine don’t need to be.- Sorry, but skipping your kid’s vaccinations puts your kids at greater risk for potentially life-threatening diseases. Besides, there’s the whole “herd immunity” thing you don’t understand in which according to Professor Thomas Saari, M.D., “The ability of immunizations to prevent the spread of infection depends on having a certain number of children immunized.” And the immunization level required to prevent most of these vaccinable diseases is very high. For instance, in order for the herd immunity to prevent measles from being spread from child to child, the 95% of kids have to be vaccinated against it. In 2003, the national vaccination rate in the US in children between 19-35 months was only about 80% despite that the number increases to the mid-90s when kids are starting school. Such rates may not be high enough to provide herd immunity, especially if exemptions from school vaccines are on the rise in some states. According to studies from Colorado where residents claim high numbers of vaccine exemptions for medical, personal or religious reasons, kids who aren’t immunized pose a greater risk for disease like 22 times to come down with measles.

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When enough parents listen to Jenny McCarthy instead of get their kids vaccinated like they’re supposed to, the disease causing agents weasle their way back and cause outbreaks with a vengeance. Look at the map of the 2015 measles outbreak from the CDC, people.

10. Now that major illnesses have largely disappeared, we really don’t need vaccines anymore.- That analogy is similar to what Republicans and libertarians say now that working conditions have improved, we no longer need unions and regulations. Or how some say now that the Civil Rights Movement did away with social discrimination, we no longer need civil rights protections on certain demographics. Or how some say that now that we have clean air and water thanks to the EPA, we no longer need environmental protections. Except you do because the propensity to commit such social injustice still lingers on as we know by the election of President Pussygrabber. The same logic applies to vaccines because despite relatively high vaccination rates in the US, many American communities still have outbreaks of diseases like measles and pertussis, a respiratory illness characterized by spasms of coughing that can last for weeks or even months. In 2003, 13 kids died from the infection. Unvaccinated children can also spread infection to vulnerable family members. According to Dr. Saari in Parenting Magazine, “Those children are more likely to give a disease to those who can’t fight it off, such as a six-month-old or a grandparent living at home.” One case is the incidence of whooping cough which has been increasing since the 1980s, and the CDC has recommended a pertussis booster shot for 11-year-olds because the risk of passing the disease to a vulnerable relative is so high. Also, if you remember reports about panics involving Zika and Ebola, diseases are spread by people from foreign countries who travel here. As Dr. Saari said, “Air travel has extended the range of diseases from countries where people aren’t immunized. We’re no more than one airplane ride from being exposed to many diseases.” Thus, if people aren’t vaccinated, these supposedly uncommon diseases can come back.

11. You shouldn’t give a vaccine to a child who has a cold.– You might think that a sick child would be more likely to have a bad reaction to a vaccine or that it might present and added burden to their immune systems if they’re fighting a cold. However, studies show that a mild illness doesn’t affect a child’s ability to react appropriately to the vaccine. As Dr. Rennels says, “Certainly if a child comes in with a fever of 102 and a rip-snorting ear infection, it’s not the best time for a vaccine. But a low-grade fever, mild respiratory infection or a little diarrhea shouldn’t be reasons to delay one, especially if the illness is on the way out.” Of course, vaccines can trigger side effects such as a fever and rash as well as soreness at the injection site, but these are rarely cause for alarm. The 5-in-1 Pediarix is more likely to cause a low fever than the individual shots are, but many moms say the fewer injections for their child, the better. But if your child has hives (which can indicate an allergic reaction), a fever of 105 degrees or higher, or convulsions, call your doctor right away.

12. I had chicken pox when I was a kid and it isn’t a big deal.– So did I and so did my sister. But my parents tried to get us vaccinated for it anyway before there was no longer any need to. Sure chicken pox may not be a big deal for most kids but on rare occasions, children can die from it. Before the vaccine was introduced, many children were hospitalized each year with serious complications, including pneumonia and dangerous skin infections. According to Dr. Rennels, “Chicken pox lesions can become infected with staph, including necrotizing fasciitis—the ‘flesh-eating’ bacteria.” Getting the chicken pox vaccine is especially important now that less of the virus is in circulation. And as Dr. Rennels adds, “Children who don’t get chicken pox or the vaccine are at risk of getting it as an adult, which is a much more serious illness.” Besides, I had a kid in my class who had chicken pox during our junior year in high school and he was out for days.

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Vaccines may not be 100% effective. But they’re effective enough that you won’t need get well gifts like these when you get the diseases vaccines are supposed to prevent.

13. Vaccines can provide 100 percent disease protection.- Vaccines may not be 100% effective (though the effect rate can range from 75-95% which still very good) and it’s possible you can be vaccinated against a disease and still get it. But if all children are vaccinated against an organism, it’s less likely to hang around. Again, we have herd immunity kicking in, which is why vaccinating an entire population is crucial. As Dr. Edwards says, “Not getting vaccinated is like failing to stop at a four-way stop. If three people get vaccinated but one doesn’t, the risk is not bad. But if two people don’t get vaccinated, the burden of risk is greater on everyone.”

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Some anti-vaxxer parents think it’s better to wait until their kids are older to get the vaccinations. However, the reason why vaccine schedules are designed the way they are is that small children are the most vulnerable to contracting them. Remember how historical times witnessed high infant mortality rates.

14. It’s best to wait until children are older before starting to give them vaccines.- The best time to get your kids vaccinated against the disease, is at the earliest possible moment they can get it. Immunization schedules are designed to protect the most vulnerable patients from disease. If you wait to give the vaccine, you might miss the window when a child is most vulnerable. We should also remember that many of these infectious diseases we vaccinated against have killed high numbers of infants and small children. So you get off the schedule, you put your child at risk. One instance in Wisconsin had 300 children under the age of 1 come down with whooping cough with 177 less than 6 months old. Half of these babies were hospitalized and 3 died. For a kid to die of whooping cough nowadays is criminal.

15. It’s safe to space out vaccinations.- Spacing out vaccines may actually cause children more distress. Sure kids don’t like getting several shots at once. But studies show that a child’s stress hormones peak after one shot while additional needlesticks doesn’t increase their distress. So it’s better to get several shots out of the way in one doctor’s visit than once a month. Besides, postponing shots leave babies at risk and none of the alternative schedules has been clinically tested. As Ari Brown says, “There is absolutely no research that says delaying certain shots is safer. Doctors who promote these schedules are simply guessing when to give which shots. What we know for certain is that delaying your child’s shots is playing Russian roulette.”

Iron Lungs in a Polio Ward

When anti-vaxxers say that vaccine-preventable diseases aren’t that dangerous, they’re usually thinking about relatively less severe ones like chicken pox. This picture depicts a polio ward with kids being encased in iron lungs. Polio was a menace because it could kill or leave its victims permanently disabled. Dr. Salk’s discovery of the polio vaccine in the 1950s was seen as a medical miracle. Let that sink in.

16. Vaccine-preventable diseases aren’t that dangerous. – Sorry, but as a history major, I think anyone who believes this bullshit have absolutely no fucking idea. Sure they may have had chicken pox as a kid which is usually not very dangerous. But if you think that most vaccine-preventable diseases are like chicken pox, you’re a fucking moron. Vaccines have eliminated diseases that have once sickened, disabled, or killed hundreds of thousands of people. Because few young parents have encountered any of these diseases and possibly not know a thing about science or history, they don’t realize how dangerous they are. Whooping cough once sickened 300,000 people a year and killed 7,000 mostly young children. A better example would be polio which ravaged the country so much that when Dr. Jonas Salk discovered the vaccine and gave it away for free, he was seen as nothing less than a miracle worker. But before that, polio was a nightmare virus that parents and children feared because it was contagious disease that paralyzed and killed people. Surviving the disease could be a life changing experience leaving some permanently physically disabled to varying degrees while remember the fear and isolation. It crippled Franklin Delano Roosevelt that he nearly ended his political career over it, which could’ve shaped the US quite differently had he not ran for Governor of New York and later president during the Great Depression. Hell, we have plenty of celebrities who’ve survived polio and are still alive like Alan Alda, Donald Sutherland, Mia Farrow, Donovan, Joni Mitchell, Itzhak Perlman, Neil Young, and Sir Ken Robinson.

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This is US President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. In 1921, he came down with polio during vacation at Campobello that would leave him crippled from the waist down. He would be confined to wheelchair and walk with braces for the rest of his life. And he nearly ended his political career of this. Nevertheless, he’s an example what vaccine preventable diseases did to people.

17. Only sick people need flu shots and other vaccines.- As with herd immunity when healthy people get vaccinated, it can help protect the weak, including cancer patients, anyone with compromised immune systems, and newborns too young to get the shot. Because babies can’t begin common vaccinations until they’re 2 months old, they depend on those around them for disease protection whether they be family, hospital staff, or babysitters.

18. Vaccines contain tissue from aborted fetuses.- No they don’t. And even if they did, the National Catholic Bioethics Center has said that Catholics are, “morally free to use the vaccine, regardless of its historical association with abortion. The reason is that the risk to public health, if one chooses not to vaccinate, outweighs the legitimate concern about the origins of the vaccine. This is especially important for parents, who have a moral obligation to protect the life and health of their children and those around them. … It is important to note that descendant cells are not the cells of the aborted child. They never, themselves, formed a part of the victim’s body.” Anyway, fetal tissue has been used in the development of some vaccines like hepatitis A, chicken pox, and rabies. But the best example is in rubella during the 1960s since it involved isolating the virus from the tissue of fetuses whose mothers have had it. The women chose abortion due to concerns about birth defects caused by rubella which include deafness, heart disease, mental retardation, a devastating brain inflammation called encephalitis and pneumonia. Though in any case, the viruses were often purified before being used in vaccines and no human cells remain in the final shots given to children.

19. Vaccinated children can shed virus and infect others.- Only one vaccine has been known to do this which was the liquid OPV and it was one time. Even then children vaccinated with OPV could shed the virus through their feces and spread it to other kids who didn’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. In the process, they could protect those kids against the virus. Doctors call this phenomenon, “contact immunity,” and it was a useful trait in the 1950s, when the country was ravaged by polio, because vaccinating one child against polio could help to indirectly vaccinate others. After polio had been eliminated in the US by 2000, American doctors stopped using the live virus and have resorted to killed polio vaccines from then on. No other vaccine has been known to shed so kids vaccinated against measles won’t spread the disease to other kids spreading the virus. In fact, measles can only spread when people are actually sick with the disease and showing symptoms.

20. Vaccines cause autoimmune disease.- According to Medscape, “The role of vaccination in the pathogenesis of autoimmune diseases (presumably by triggering autoimmunity) has long been a matter of debate. Although the cause of these diseases is still unclear, several factors, including genetic predisposition, environmental factors, and infectious diseases, may play a role. The relationship between vaccines and autoimmunity is still under study; however, no definitive evidence supporting a causative association exists to date. Most of the data linking vaccines with autoimmunity comes from case studies, which are considered to offer a low level of evidence. So far, no large epidemiologic studies have been conducted to provide us with relevant compelling clinical evidence. Given the nature and heterogeneity of autoimmune disorders, such studies are very difficult to be performed.”

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Here’s a good poster of why every kid should be vaccinated. And yes a lot of myths are listed on here. Yeah, it’s that simple.

21. Influenza is a harmless illness, so vaccination is unnecessary.- According to Medscape, “Although influenza is commonly considered to be a mild illness, this is certainly not always the case. Influenza is a large threat to public health, with three pandemics and millions of deaths from influenza in the 20th century. During the last pandemic period of the H1N1 virus (June 11, 2009 to August 1, 2010), 18,449 deaths were attributed to influenza, although the global death rate was certainly higher. Influenza can have serious complications, including severe pneumonia, and extrarespiratory complications, such as encephalopathy and myocarditis. In addition, a considerable number of deaths related to cardiac and pulmonary complications typically follow influenza epidemics. Particularly among the elderly, people with underlying medical conditions, and pregnant women, the risk for influenza-associated complications is higher and flu vaccination is strongly recommended.”

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Most vaccines aren’t only safe for pregnant women, two are also recommended. One of these is the flu shot while the other is the TDaP vaccine taken in the third trimester. Not only does this protect the mother, but the baby, too. Which is great because many newborns can’t be vaccinated.

22. Vaccines shouldn’t be administered to pregnant women.- Most vaccines aren’t only safe during pregnancy, but highly recommended. Two vaccines are especially important such as the flu vaccine and the Tdap (tetanus, diphtheria, acellular pertussis) given between 27 and 36 weeks. According to Medscape, “Tetanus, pertussis, and influenza are diseases with potentially severe consequences for the child and/or the mother that can be prevented through vaccination. The vaccination of a pregnant woman against pertussis offers substantial protection of the newborn against this infection.” Medscape adds, “An evaluation of the available data suggests that vaccines containing inactivated microorganisms are safe for administration during any week of pregnancy. Influenza, in particular, can be very severe during pregnancy, thus it is recommended that pregnant women receive flu vaccination during flu season.” There has been no evidence that the flu vaccine has contributed to any congenital malformations. Same goes for any other vaccines.

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Many Anti-vaxxers think vaccinating their children should be a personal choice instead of mandatory, claiming that mandatory vaccinations violate their civil rights. Sure it’s only a personal decision if it only affects themselves. But unfortunately, with herd immunity involved, vaccines don’t work that way.

23. Mandatory vaccination violate civil rights.- Sorry, but this has no basis in reality. Massachusetts enacted the first mandatory vaccination law in the US in 1809. Nearly 100 years the Supreme Court ruled mandatory vaccination laws constitutional with the case of Jacobson v. Massachusetts. Though all states do offer medical exemptions. Nevertheless, parents need to be aware that if don’t vaccinate their kids, they’re putting them and their contacts at risk of serious disease. And unvaccinated children often have to stay home from school or daycare during outbreaks. Besides, what about those who can’t get vaccinated? Don’t they have a right to not contract a serious vaccine-preventable disease that won’t kill them? Don’t they have a right to herd immunity protection?

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VAERS is a reporting system on vaccine reactions from the US federal government. Anyone can report anything on it. Nevertheless, despite what Anti-Vaxxer testify, VAERS data doesn’t prove anything. Nevertheless, here’s a VAERS form.

24. VAERS data proves that vaccines are dangerous.- VAERS data actually can’t “prove” anything. On VAERS anyone can report anything as “no proof of causality is required” while only reports of special interests like hospitalizations are verified. Even when checked, many reports aren’t accurate while many include non-serious reactions. The number of reported to adverse events is usually influenced by publicity. Besides, VAERS just exists to properly detect early warning signals and to generate hypotheses. It’s not meant to inform people about vaccine since it’s more of a suggestion box open to the public.

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There’s an anti-vaxxer children’s book out there I had on one of my book cover posts called Melanie’s Marvelous Measles. Here are some other anti-vaxxer follow ups. Enjoy.

25. More people die from the vaccine than from measles.- For God’s sake, this is utter bullshit. In reality, according to the World Health Organization, measles kills 140,000 people a year globally while the measles vaccine saves 1 million lives annually. By contrast, there have only been 57 deaths due to measles vaccines filed through the federal Vaccine Injury Compensation Program, which is a no-fault system set up to compensate people injured by vaccines. The program doesn’t say how many of these claims are allowed. Nevertheless, while vaccines aren’t 100% safe, a person’s chance of dying from the vaccine are miniscule compared to their astronomical chance of being saved.

26. Existence of the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program proves that vaccines are harmful.- Sure vaccines aren’t 100% safe as with any product since there are people who are allergic to it. However, vaccines are so safe that your chances of dying from one are less than being struck by a meteor. Nevertheless, the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program was launched in 1986 because vaccine makers were dropping out of the business out of fear of pricey lawsuits. Public health officials feared that the US would suffer a vaccine shortage. Nevertheless, under the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program, if people can prove they suffered an injury known to be caused by a vaccine, they could be compensated without having to prove the vaccine caused the problem. And it’s paid for by a tax on vaccines.

27. Foreigners, especially undocumented immigrants, are bringing measles to the US. – It’s true that measles was eliminated from the US in 2000 and that all outbreaks now begin with an imported case. But in 2014 which was the worst year for measles since 1994, 635 out of 644 cases involved US citizens. And out of them 77% were unvaccinated people. What’s happening is that unvaccinated Americans are going to countries where measles is more common and bringing the virus back. Unless they live in a community where many people aren’t vaccinated like Amish country, usually they don’t infect very many people. But when measles happens anywhere in the world, it can come here on a plane pretty quick. And it’s not coming over land borders because high vaccination rates in the Americas has eliminated measles there. Rather it’s more likely coming from Europe, Asia, and the Philippines.

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This Natural News graph shows the often debunked anti-vaxxer myth that Big Pharma profits from them. In reality, doctors, drug makers, and insurance companies actually lose money from vaccines since they’re so labor intensive. Also, you shouldn’t trust Natural News as a viable news site. Since it’s full of conspiracy theories like this one.

28. Doctors and insurance companies promote vaccination to drive profits.- Actually doctors and insurers don’t profit from vaccination in any way. Some insurers pay the cost of vaccination to prevent having to pay more later if a patient gets sick. And a 2009 study found that 1 out of 3 doctors actually lose money when giving vaccines. Also, big Pharma only makes 1.5% of their income on vaccines anyway and only 5 companies make 80% of them that there have been problems in vaccine supply and fact making them is so labor intensive.

29. The DTaP (diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis) and the polio vaccines cause sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). – There’s no evidence these vaccines cause SIDS. 90% of SIDS cases occur before the infant is 6 months old with the highest rates between 1 and 4 months of age. Unfortunately, this is the age group when children are scheduled to be vaccinated against DTaP and polio. The SIDS deaths are co-incidental to vaccination and would’ve occurred even if the child hadn’t been given the vaccines. This is especially if the infant didn’t sleep in a crib with proper bedding, wasn’t in a proper sleeping arrangement or position, or had parent who smokes. Not to mention, these vaccines have been linked to a 50% lower risk of SIDS.

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Some people may believe that one shot is enough protection. However, some vaccines take multiple doses since one shot isn’t enough like the whooping cough one you see here.

30. One vaccine in a series gives a child enough protection.- Getting the recommended dose of each recommended vaccine provides a child with the best protection possible. Depending on the vaccine, more than one dose is needed to build high enough immunity to prevent disease, boost immunity that fades over time, make sure people who did not get immunity from a first dose are protected, or protect against germs that change over time, like flu. Every vaccine dose is important because they all protect against infectious diseases that are threats today and can be especially serious for infants and very young children. Skipping vaccines puts children at risk for contracting the diseases, especially measles and pertussis. Thus, if the recommendations are for a series of shots, make sure your child receives all of them so they’re not left unprotected.

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Of course, nobody likes receiving a shot from the doctor, especially babies who are likely to scream and cry. However, while giving them a TDaP shot today might your little one cry, it’ll keep them from constantly screaming in agony from diphtheria later.

31. Shots are very painful to a baby. – Indeed they are but the pain is only momentary and not significant. Besides, studies show there are ways to minimizing the pain your baby feels such as being breastfed before or afterwards as well as being held and distracted by their parents. The doctor could even give the baby numbing cream or a sugar solution. Yet, even if you don’t resort to any of this, at worst a small prick of a needle will only cause enough pain that might instill a lifelong fear of shots. Yet, this is a small price for protecting them against a world of pain from the serious diseases the vaccine protects against.

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Contrary to anti-vaxxer logic, vaccines don’t weaken immune systems. If anything, they usually strengthen the immune system from diseases that can compromise it and leave people more vulnerable to other infections as well as serious health problems.

32. Vaccines weaken the immune system. – Vaccines usually contain a weakened if not dead form of the virus so they can train the immune system in to fighting them without causing infection. Natural infections on the other hand, can weaken the immune system by preventing some people from fighting off other viruses and bacteria easily. This happens most notably in children during a natural infection like chicken pox or measles. And the fact so many small children died of serious diseases before we had vaccines for them illustrates why we have them in the first place.

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While vaccinations aren’t 100% effective, they are certainly necessary as this graph certainly shows. And because of vaccines, these infectious disease rates have plummeted. But if at least 95% of the American public don’t receive their shots, these germs could infect with a vengeance. So yes, vaccines are necessary and if you haven’t already, vaccinate your kids.

33. Since most vaccines are not 100% effective, there’s really no need to get them. – Just because something doesn’t work 100% of the time doesn’t mean there’s no real need to have it, especially if it could save your life. For instance, wearing seatbelt may not guarantee my survival in a car crash. But I’d have to be an idiot not to wear one every time I ride in a car. Sure vaccines aren’t 100% effective but most have an 85-99% protection rate which makes it the best way to avoid these diseases. In addition, for some vaccine-preventable diseases, the serious effects of the disease may be less for someone who’s received the vaccine. And the more people who get the vaccine, the less likely the disease will be present in the community where it can spread to people unable to get the vaccine either due to being too young or having certain medical conditions. This is known as “herd immunity.” So yes, getting the vaccine is worth it.

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In recent years, the rate of nonmedical exemptions from vaccines has risen thanks to the rise of anti-vaxxer conspiracy theories. Along with that comes a higher prevalence of outbreaks pertaining to vaccine-preventable infections. And these endanger the most vulnerable such as newborn babies. We need to understand that vaccine shouldn’t be a choice most of the time.

34. More vaccinated people get the disease than the unvaccinated. – Yes, but that’s because vaccines aren’t 100% effective so it’s still possible to get the disease being vaccinated against. However, if you do get the disease, you’ll only suffer fewer complications and long term effects than those who are unprotected. For instance, with pertussis (whooping cough), severe complications such as pneumonia and encephalitis (brain inflammation) occur almost exclusively in the unvaccinated. Both of these could either cause permanent damage in small children or kill them. However, the fact vaccines aren’t 100% effective don’t mean that they don’t work.

35. There are “hot lots” of vaccine that have been associated with more adverse events and deaths than others. Parents should find the numbers of these lots and not allow their children to receive vaccines from them.- This gets a lot of publicity but the concept of “hot lot” used in this context is wrong. This is based on the presumption that the more reports of adverse events a vaccine lot is associated with, the more dangerous the vaccine is in that lot. And that by consulting a list of reports per lot, a parent can identify which ones to avoid. According to WHO, this is misleading for 2 reasons. First, and adverse report following vaccination doesn’t mean that the vaccine caused the event. In fact, statistically, a certain number of serious illnesses, even deaths, can be expected to occur by chance alone among kids recently vaccinated. Besides, no scientific study has ever linked vaccines to any serious long-term health problems. Second, vaccine lots aren’t all the same with sizes varying from several hundred thousand to several million. According to WHO, “Naturally a larger lot or one that is in distribution for a longer period will be associated with more adverse events, simply by chance. Also, more coincidental deaths are associated with vaccines given in infancy than later in childhood, since the background death rates for children are highest during the first year of life. So knowing that lot A has been associated with x number of adverse events while lot B has been associated with y number would not necessarily say anything about the relative safety of the two lots, even if the vaccine did cause the event.”

36. Only children need vaccinations.- Look, I may not always get the flu shot every year even though I know I need it. But vaccine-preventable diseases continue to be a threat throughout our lives. According to the California Department of Public Health, “Adolescents need boosters for many childhood diseases, some college age students need protection from meningitis, adults need vaccines for shingles and pneumonia, and everyone needs the flu vaccine and, especially for those around infants, the pertussis vaccine.” We should also acknowledge that Franklin Delano Roosevelt contracted polio as an adult in the 1920s. So while infants and young children are the most vulnerable to vaccine-preventable diseases, they can and have killed adults. Just look at history or old timey literature.

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Yeah, this pretty much sums up anti-vaxxers in a nutshell. Pretty much people with dangerous ideas. So if you’re skeptical about vaccinating your kids, just do it. Believe me, don’t listen to anti-vaxxer celebrities like Jenny McCarthy, Robert DeNiro, or Jim Carrey. Instead, listen to the medical community who know what they’re talking about. Sure some may be anti-vaxxers, but most of them aren’t.

Talk to Your Doctor about These Vintage Pharmaceutical Ads

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Disclaimer: The following article contains vintage medical advice that has been proven bunk by posterity as well as depict drugs that have since been seen as illegal or unavailable due to the damage they did or still do to people. Besides, it doesn’t help that a lot of these vintage ads are based on dubious medical claims thanks to the lack of oversight on medicine at the time. If you’re here for actual medical tips to solve your medical problems, this is not the site for you. Thank you.

Unless you live under a rock, you might notice that Pharma ads are everywhere whether you watch TV, go on the Internet, or open a magazine. After all, medicine is a stable of healthcare to treat various ailments whether they be through a doctor’s prescription or over the counter. You might see listings for various side effects that might scare you. But at least you have the FDA requiring drug companies to address them as well as go through a long testing process to see if the drug is safe and lives up to its claims. Still, remember that medicines aren’t miracle cures for what you’re suffering. And it’s been known in the world of pharmaceuticals that one person’s life saver can be another person’s poison. However, back in the good ol’ days, you didn’t have an agency like the FDA, clinical trials, or other stuff like that to see that the drugs on the market won’t kill you. Sure it might lead to a lot of drugs on the market that might help people, but more often than not, it created an ideal environment for your local snake oil salesman along with so many other substances marketed as pharmaceuticals under dubious medical claims. And many of these drugs led to all kinds of harm such as addiction and/or death. Not that drugs were less harmful once the US had the FDA back then. Because a lot of drugs that you might have sold over the counter in the early 1900s have become the illegal street drugs that have caused a menace to society, with the possible exception of marijuana. So for your reading pleasure, here I give you a treasury of vintage pharma ads from the not so good old days of medicine.

 

  1. For dysepsia and blood, take some Quaker Bitters.
Why is that girl in a barrel? Seriously, that's just crazy for God's sake.

Why is that girl in a barrel? Seriously, that’s just crazy for God’s sake.

2. For upset stomach, take some 7 Up Lithiated Soda.

Yes, soft drinks were once used as medicines before they became regular beverage. And yes, the original 7 Up did contain lithium which is today used to treat manic depression.

Yes, soft drinks were once used as medicines before they became regular beverage. And yes, the original 7 Up did contain lithium which is today used to treat manic depression.

3. To relieve all kinds of pain, you might want to try some St. Jacobs Oil.

According to the Center for Inquiry, it's said to contain chloroform, turpentine, camphor, ether, alcohol, Carbolic acid, capsicum, and aconite. Aconite, by the way is a deadly poison from the Monk's Hood flower that's also known as Wolfsbane and Jacob's Chariot.

According to the Center for Inquiry, it’s said to contain chloroform, turpentine, camphor, ether, alcohol, Carbolic acid, capsicum, and aconite. Aconite, by the way is a deadly poison from the Monk’s Hood flower that’s also known as Wolfsbane and Jacob’s Chariot.

4. Cigares de Joy are said to bring immediate relief for all kinds of respiratory problems.

In 1875, these were ‘very useful little agents for inhaling the smoke of stramonium.’ A common remedy for asthma, Datura stramonium is a hallucinogenic. Also, smoking is very bad for your lungs.

In 1875, these were ‘very useful little agents for inhaling the smoke of stramonium.’ A common remedy for asthma, Datura stramonium is a hallucinogenic. Also, smoking is very bad for your lungs.

5. Got menstrual problems, try some Ergoapiol.

Sold in the early 1900s, this drug contains the ergot fungus and Apiol. One can reduce blood flow that gangrene sets in as well as cause hallucinations. The other can damage your liver and kidneys.

Sold in the early 1900s, this drug contains the ergot fungus and Apiol. One can reduce blood flow that gangrene sets in as well as cause hallucinations. The other can damage your liver and kidneys.

6. “Midol helps me forget my time of the month wherever I am.”

Except in the bathroom. Or when you have change your pad or tampon at regular intervals. Or when you find blood stains on your underwear. Seriously, this isn't an accurate representation of a woman during her "time of the month."

Except in the bathroom. Or when you have change your pad or tampon at regular intervals. Or when you find blood stains on your underwear. Seriously, this isn’t an accurate representation of a woman during her “time of the month.”

7. Whether it’s menstruation or men, always count on Midol.

If your guy is your No. 1 reason for Midol, ladies, you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Because Midol is mainly used for menstrual cramps.

If your guy is your No. 1 reason for Midol, ladies, you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Because Midol is mainly used for menstrual cramps.

8. For obese and cranky patients, give them Ambar.

For one, these people don't seem "obese" in the modern sense of the term. More like overweight. Also, this ad really gets obesity wrong. Yes, stress and overeating may be factors. But so are genetics, not having time to exercise, and unhealthy food choices.

For one, these people don’t seem “obese” in the modern sense of the term. More like overweight. Also, this ad really gets obesity wrong. Yes, stress and overeating may be factors. But so are genetics, not having time to exercise, and unhealthy food choices.

9. For relief from coughs, try Heroin-Hydrochloride from Bayer.

On second thought, don't or you'll get instantly addicted for a certain period of time before dying of an overdose. There's a reason why the US is suffering a terrible heroin problem of epidemic proportions. Thanks for fucking up everything, Bayer.

On second thought, don’t or you’ll get instantly addicted for a certain period of time before dying from an overdose if you don’t seek treatment. There’s a reason why the US is suffering a terrible heroin problem of epidemic proportions. Thanks for fucking up everything, Bayer.

10. Is housework making your life a prison, take some Serax.

Sorry, but I don't think medication will solve this woman's problem. Maybe having her husband pick up the slack would. Or hiring a maid.

Sorry, but I don’t think medication will solve this woman’s problem. Maybe having her husband pick up the slack would. Or hiring a maid.

11. Hamlin’s Wizard Oil will cure your rheumatism.

Contains 50-70% alcohol along with camphor, ammonia, chloroform, sassafras, cloves, and turpentine. In other words, it's a quack medicine but it was quite popular.

Contains 50-70% alcohol along with camphor, ammonia, chloroform, sassafras, cloves, and turpentine. In other words, it’s a quack medicine but it was quite popular.

12. Hall’s Wine brings the bloom of perfect health.

Tonic wines were also common at the time. This one was known to contain cocaine. However, initial criticism of this drug had nothing to do with the infamous white substance.

Tonic wines were also common at the time. This one was known to contain cocaine. However, initial criticism of this drug had nothing to do with the infamous white substance. Also, I don’t think that woman is smiling.

13. For hay fever and other woes, try Allen’s Cocaine tablets.

Side effects may include seriously disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, psychotic delusions and hallucinations, and severe depression upon withdrawal. Also addiction and death. So if you're smart, walk it off.

Side effects may include seriously disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, psychotic delusions and hallucinations, and severe depression upon withdrawal. Also addiction and death. So if you’re smart, walk it off.

14. Enjoy relief with the great taste of Coca Cola.

Yes, this was seen as a medicine, too. But initially contained cocaine in its early years. Not kidding on that one.

Yes, this was seen as a medicine, too. But initially contained cocaine in its early years. Not kidding on that one.

15. Dr. Hart’s Pain Conqueror relieves all pains.

I'm sure this is ineffective as medicine. But, man, those little gnomes in this ad are so creepy. Possible cocaine hallucination? Maybe.

I’m sure this is ineffective as medicine. But, man, those little gnomes in this ad are so creepy. Possible cocaine hallucination? Maybe.

16. With Midol, Sally’s gay.

I know what they're trying to get at here. And no, ladies, Midol does not turn women into lesbians unlike how some might interpret it.

I know what they’re trying to get at here. And no, ladies, Midol does not turn women into lesbians unlike how some might interpret it.

17. Tyrant in the house? Calm him down with Thorazine.

Thorozine: the drug for when your angry old folks get out of hand. Also posted another one similar to this last year, by the way.

Thorozine: the drug for when your angry old folks get out of hand. Also posted another one similar to this last year, by the way.

18. For the ills of life, take some Peruna tonic.

So what if it's a Prohibition era medicine that just happens to contain 18% alcohol? It was apparently popular at the time.

So what if it’s a Prohibition era medicine that just happens to contain 18% alcohol? It was apparently popular at the time.

19. For women’s minor ills, take Dr. Caldwell’s Syrup Pepsin, the Family Laxative.

Because if a woman is cranky all day, she's probably constipated. After all, women must be angry all the time due to irregular bowel movements. What a load of sexist bullshit.

Because if a woman is cranky all day, she’s probably constipated. After all, women must be angry all the time due to irregular bowel movements. What a load of sexist bullshit.

20. For pain relief, take a dose of Methadone.

Methadone is an opioid that's used to detoxify people from heroin addiction. However, while it may not be as bad, it's said to contribute to 26% of opioid related deaths. So it can be a very harmful drug in its own right.

Methadone is an opioid that’s used to detoxify people from heroin addiction. However, while it may not be as bad, it’s said to contribute to 26% of opioid related deaths. So it can be a very harmful drug in its own right.

21. Depressed? Try Methadrine.

Contains methamphetamine. You know, the kind of drug that prematurely ages you and rots your teeth. Or what Walter White made in Breaking Bad. Yes, that drug.

Contains methamphetamine. You know, the kind of drug that prematurely ages you and rots your teeth. Or what Walter White made in Breaking Bad. Yes, that drug.

22. For over stressed housewives, try some Meprospan 400.

It's a tranquilizer. You know something we use to treat people with psychological problems. Not something for ordinary housewives.

It’s a tranquilizer. You know something we use to treat people with psychological problems. Not something for ordinary housewives.

23. For anxious kids, Nembutal is guaranteed to give relief.

From: Best Medical Degrees: "Although pentobarbital is an FDA-approved sedative and is used to treat seizures and insomnia, it would seem dangerous to utilize it to treat nervous children (by inserting it as a suppository). Not only can pentobarbital impede thinking and slow reactions, it can also be addictive, while overdoses may be fatal." Also, that kid is as creepy as hell.

From: Best Medical Degrees: “Although pentobarbital is an FDA-approved sedative and is used to treat seizures and insomnia, it would seem dangerous to utilize it to treat nervous children (by inserting it as a suppository). Not only can pentobarbital impede thinking and slow reactions, it can also be addictive, while overdoses may be fatal.” Also, that kid is as creepy as hell.

24. Brown’s Household Panacea is a great pain reliever.

Why the hell is that guy holding a stove? He can get himself burned that way.

Why the hell is that guy holding a burning stove? He can get himself burned that way, especially if he’s holding it with his bare hands.

25. Have stuffy noses, ladies, take Mentholatum.

Because being pleasing to men is more important than tending to your own stuffy nose. Hey, we may not like sniffly noses, but this ad is just inherently sexist.

Because being pleasing to men is more important than tending to your own stuffy nose. Hey, we may not like sniffly noses, but this ad is just inherently sexist.

26. Stay fit and slim with Amphetamine.

While Ampetamine is a controlled substance today, this ad promotes it as a weight loss drug which is very harmful. Also, diet pills are terrible for you as well and should never be taken.

While Ampetamine is a controlled substance today, this ad promotes it as a weight loss drug which is very harmful. Also, diet pills are terrible for you as well and should never be taken.

27. Karswood Creosote is the greatest cure on earth.

What the fuck? Creosote is a substance people call sweeps to get rid of in their chimneys. It's a toxic carcinogenic substance. Yet, here it's being promoted as medicine?

What the fuck? Creosote is a substance people call sweeps to get rid of in their chimneys. It’s a toxic carcinogenic substance. Yet, here it’s being promoted as medicine?

28. Settle down the kids with some of Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup.

From Best Medical Degrees: "In 1849, Mrs. Charlotte N. Winslow launched her Soothing Syrup in Maine. The cocktail, which combined ingredients such as sodium carbonate and aqua ammonia, may have been relatively harmless – except for one point: it contained 65mg of morphine per fluid ounce. The syrup was advertised as providing relief for children who were teething, and one mother wrote to The New York Times claiming its effect on her son was “like magic; he soon went to sleep, and all pain and nervousness disappeared.” Unfortunately, children ran the risk of being put to sleep permanently as a result of morphine overdose. The American Medical Association denounced the syrup as a “baby killer” in 1911, although it remained on the market in the UK until 1930."

From Best Medical Degrees: “In 1849, Mrs. Charlotte N. Winslow launched her Soothing Syrup in Maine. The cocktail, which combined ingredients such as sodium carbonate and aqua ammonia, may have been relatively harmless – except for one point: it contained 65mg of morphine per fluid ounce. The syrup was advertised as providing relief for children who were teething, and one mother wrote to The New York Times claiming its effect on her son was “like magic; he soon went to sleep, and all pain and nervousness disappeared.” Unfortunately, children ran the risk of being put to sleep permanently as a result of morphine overdose.”

29. For every day stress, ladies, take Butisol.

The kind of happy pills that make you enjoy being tied up by your daughter playing Indian. Yeah, that's kind of freaky.

The kind of happy pills that make you enjoy being tied up by your daughter playing Indian. Yeah, that’s kind of freaky.

30. Daughter being a brat? Give her Castoria.

Because if your kid is acting up, then it must be because she's constipated. I think real moms in the 1950s knew better than that.

Because if your kid is acting up, then it must be because she’s constipated. I think real moms in the 1950s knew better than that.

31. Aggressive elders? Loxapac should do the trick.

Great for helping old folks with cactus head according to this ad. Yes, he's become a bit prickly lately.

Great for helping old folks with cactus head according to this ad. Yes, he’s become a bit prickly lately.

32. For cold and flu, take some Coriforte.

This ad from South Africa may seem harmless enough. But one this drug's ingredients is none other than methamphetamine. Yeah, probably something you should avoid.

This ad from South Africa may seem harmless enough. But one this drug’s ingredients is none other than methamphetamine. Yeah, probably something you should avoid.

33. To relieve coughs, try some Cosadein.

Contains codeine, marijuana, and chloroform. Talk about a real drug cocktail here.

Contains codeine, marijuana, and chloroform. Talk about a real drug cocktail here.

34. Ambition Pills, the drug for weak and nervous men.

This 19th century supplement was promoted to build strength, ambition, as well as combat ailments. However, each box was later found to contain enough strychnine to kill an adult. Because strychnine is a known toxic pesticide.

This 19th century supplement was promoted to build strength, ambition, as well as combat ailments. However, each box was later found to contain enough strychnine to kill an adult. Because strychnine is a known toxic pesticide.

35. Men, does your wife have “nerves,” give her Nervine.

Contains bromide which can lead to side effects like alteration in central nervous system functioning with headache, irritability, fatigue, slurred speech, ataxia, emotional instability, tremor and hallucinations. According to a report from 1997 no less.

Contains bromide which can lead to side effects like alteration in central nervous system functioning with headache, irritability, fatigue, slurred speech, ataxia, emotional instability, tremor and hallucinations. According to a report from 1997 no less.

36. Mebaral is great for the guy who overreacts to everything.

However, I want to know why they'd use an image of a guy about to jump off a building. Because that looks pretty scary. And I think that guy might need an undertaker at this point.

However, I want to know why they’d use an image of a guy about to jump off a building. Because that looks pretty scary. And I think that guy might need an undertaker at this point.

37. As Eli Lily said, Ampedroxyn is great for all kinds of problems like obesity, depression, and narcolepsy.

Uh, let's not kid ourselves, Eli Lily has an ad promoting methamphetamine. You know, meth. It might help you lose weight and overcome problems with sleep and depression, but it will make you look ugly.

Uh, let’s not kid ourselves, Eli Lily has an ad promoting methamphetamine. You know, meth. It might help you lose weight and overcome problems with sleep and depression, but it will make you look ugly.

38. Have peace of mind with Serenace.

This is one from Japan. It depicts a naked woman rising out of the water inside a hand. I don't understand what that's supposed to mean.

This is one from Japan. It depicts a naked woman rising out of the water inside a hand. I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean.

39. Calm the storm in your life with Rivotril.

So what's with the naked woman holding the umbrella in a storm? I don't get this at all.

So what’s with the naked girl holding the umbrella in a storm? I don’t get this at all.

40. Relieve your worries with Serenace.

This picture might do well as a work of Surrealist art. But in a Pharma ad, this is just plain weird.

This picture might do well as a work of Surrealist art. But in a Pharma ad, this is just plain weird.

41. Got rough seas ahead, take Deliton.

Unfortunately, Deliton can't cure shell-head. But it can make you feel better with shell-head.

Unfortunately, Deliton can’t cure shell-head. But it can make you feel better with shell-head.

42. Sernace is great for coping with life’s biggest worries.

Like when you're about to get picked up in the desert by a giant bird of prey for dinner. Yeah, it's for problems like that.

Like when you’re about to get picked up in the desert by a giant bird of prey for dinner. Yeah, it’s for problems like that.

43. Restore them to their senses with Thorazine.

But is having a duck tank in this ad really necessary? And there's a guy who fell in the the water. Poor thing.

But is having a dunk tank in this ad really necessary? And there’s a guy who fell in the the water. Poor thing.

44. Baby can’t sleep? How about some Laudanum?

Laudanum is opium by the way and it was used to treat various ailments from the late 1600s to the 19th century. Can cause addiction, constipation, respiratory distress, and pupil constriction. Yeah, screw Junior up for life.

Laudanum is opium by the way and it was used to treat various ailments from the late 1600s to the 19th century. Can cause addiction, constipation, respiratory distress, and pupil constriction. Yeah, screw Junior up for life.

45. Divorced? Depressed? You might have ADHD.

This ad really doesn't show ADHD in a great light. Besides, there are a lot of divorced and depressed people who don't have ADHD. But this is a drug ad so they don't give a shit.

This ad really doesn’t show ADHD in a great light. Besides, there are a lot of divorced and depressed people who don’t have ADHD. But this is a drug ad so they don’t give a shit.

46. Feel like a battered parent? Miltown may be the answer.

It's particularly effective when you're having to care for giant children. As if normal sized children aren't a handful to deal with already.

It’s particularly effective when you’re having to care for giant children. As if normal sized children aren’t a handful to deal with already.

47. To be the person within, take Invega.

Is she getting out of her skin? Okay, that's really disgusting. And freaky. Really freaky.

Is she getting out of her skin? Okay, that’s really disgusting. And freaky. Really freaky.

48. Stuck in the woods with the head of a jackass? Take Cipramil.

I don't think Shakespeare's Bottom showed any signs of anxiety when he was with Titania. If ever, he seemed to take everything in stride and he perfectly fine the next morning. Someone's got their Shakespeare screwed up.

I don’t think Shakespeare’s Bottom showed any signs of anxiety when he was with Titania. If ever, he seemed to take everything in stride and he was perfectly fine by the next morning. Someone’s got their Shakespeare screwed up.

49. For coughs, try Kimball’s White Pine and Tar Cough Syrup.

Contains chloroform, which according to Best Medical Degrees: "But despite the drug being hailed as a good substitute for ether, cases emerged of chloroform causing fatal cardiac or respiratory arrest. Multiple patients died after breathing it in, prompting doctors to revert back to using ether. In spite of this, however, chloroform was still used in mouthwashes and ointments. Eventually, in 1976, the Federal Drug Administration prohibited the use of chloroform for human consumption after the substance was found to cause cancer in lab animals."

Contains chloroform, which according to Best Medical Degrees: “But despite the drug being hailed as a good substitute for ether, cases emerged of chloroform causing fatal cardiac or respiratory arrest. Multiple patients died after breathing it in, prompting doctors to revert back to using ether. In spite of this, however, chloroform was still used in mouthwashes and ointments. Eventually, in 1976, the Federal Drug Administration prohibited the use of chloroform for human consumption after the substance was found to cause cancer in lab animals.”

50. For morning sickness, take Morninide because his need for breakfast doesn’t suffice with your pregnancy.

This was a drug used to treat morning sickness which was later pulled by the FDA for causing low blood pressure and liver damage. But at least her husband got his breakfast (asshole).

This was a drug used to treat morning sickness which was later pulled by the FDA for causing low blood pressure and liver damage. But at least her husband got his breakfast (asshole).

51. Baby not feeling good, Mrs. Winslow’s should help.

That should knock the kiddie out for awhile. Perhaps permanently if you give the tyke too much.

That should knock the kiddie out for awhile. Perhaps permanently if you give the tyke too much.

52. For depression relief try Norodin.

Otherwise known by the more familiar term, "meth." From Best Medical Degrees: "The advertisement above claimed that Norodin was “useful in dispelling the shadows of mild mental depression” and that it has “relatively few side effects.” Never mind the fact that it can result in various alarming physiological effects, including anorexia, tooth grinding, irregular heartbeat, insomnia, abnormal blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. It is also extremely addictive and is one of the hardest dependencies to overcome."

Otherwise known by the more familiar term, “meth.” From Best Medical Degrees: “The advertisement above claimed that Norodin was “useful in dispelling the shadows of mild mental depression” and that it has “relatively few side effects.” Never mind the fact that it can result in various alarming physiological effects, including anorexia, tooth grinding, irregular heartbeat, insomnia, abnormal blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. It is also extremely addictive and is one of the hardest dependencies to overcome.”

53. Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator gives you instant relief.

I'm sure this is bound to have the same medicinal properties as snake oil. But the artwork advertising is pretty badass.

I’m sure this is bound to have the same medicinal properties as snake oil. But the artwork advertising is pretty badass.

54. Daley’s Magical Pain Extractor can let you handle anything.

Because how else was Molly Pitcher able to man her husband's cannon at the Battle of Monmouth? Because she had to be under a lot of stress at the time.

Because how else was Molly Pitcher able to man her husband’s cannon at the Battle of Monmouth? Because she had to be under a lot of stress at the time.

55. Quaaludes always give you a good night sleep and a sunny morning.

Quaaludes: the drugs that people got high on in The Wolf of Wall Street. Also used as Bill Cosby's rape drug of choice during the 1970s. Oh, and it was said Elvis was on them, too.

Quaaludes: the drugs that people got high on in The Wolf of Wall Street. Also used as Bill Cosby’s rape drug of choice during the 1970s. Oh, and it was said Elvis was on them, too.

56. Hear voices? Seroquel can help.

Because whenever you see talking mouths in the bushes, you might have a problem. Unless you're not taking the brown acid already.

Because whenever you see talking mouths in the bushes, you might have a problem. Unless you’re not taking the brown acid already.

57. Clamps got you down? Urodonal may be the answer.

Because those clamps shouldn't be weighing you down. Seems like this guy is being tortured for some reason.

Because those clamps shouldn’t be weighing you down. Seems like this guy is being tortured for some reason.

58. Aspironal is better than whiskey for colds and flu.

You mean they were using whiskey for colds and flu? Said to contain 10% alcohol and suitable for children. According to this, that is.

You mean they were using whiskey for colds and flu? Said to contain 10% alcohol and suitable for children. According to this, that is.

59. Broncil is known as a safeguard for children’s health.

And thanks to Broncil, you can make your kid shovel snow in your driveway all you want. Even when your kid is complaining because the other children are having fun sledding and building snow forts.

And thanks to Broncil, you can make your kid shovel snow in your driveway all you want. Even when your kid is complaining because the other children are having fun sledding and building snow forts.

60. Zeldox is a great drug to treat schizophrenia.

And if was available during Vincent Van Gogh's time, then he wouldn't have cut his ear off. Seriously, this is kind of messed up.

And if was available during Vincent Van Gogh’s time, then he wouldn’t have cut his ear off. Seriously, this is kind of messed up.

61. Risperdal Range always helps deter relapses.

And I'm not sure what mythological creature this is supposed to be. Seems like it's half-human and half-dog from what I can tell by the legs. Yes, this is freaky.

And I’m not sure what mythological creature this is supposed to be. Seems like it’s half-human and half-dog from what I can tell by the legs. Yes, this is freaky.

62. For nervousness, try Dr. Carter’s Little Nerve Pills.

Caption: "Advertisement for Carter's Little Nerve Pills depicting a very young child sitting on the ground looking up at a standing, talking frog." Since when should anyone take such advice from a talking frog? That's not right.

Caption: “Advertisement for Carter’s Little Nerve Pills depicting a very young child sitting on the ground looking up at a standing, talking frog.” Since when should anyone take such advice from a talking frog? That’s not right.

63. For pain relief, try Pantafon Opium that’s straight from the poppy.

You know how addictive opiates are and the problems they cause in our society? Give this drug a pass. Seriously, avoid it like the plague.

You know how addictive opiates are and the problems they cause in our society? Give this drug a pass. Seriously, avoid it like the plague.

64. Thomas Edison always finds relief in Mariani wine.

By the way, Mariani wine contains cocaine. Edison endorsed it because it helped him stay awake longer to work on his inventions. Wonder why.

By the way, Mariani wine contains cocaine. Edison endorsed it because it helped him stay awake longer to work on his inventions. Wonder why.

65. Papine Battle & Co. prepares the safest and most pleasant opium.

Sorry, guys, but that's not really saying much given that opium is highly addictive. Then again, that might've helped their business.

Sorry, guys, but that’s not really saying much given that opium is highly addictive. Then again, that might’ve helped their business.

66. Cannabis Americana has been recommended by clinicians everywhere.

You might know this as marijuana. Though I'm confident of its medicinal properties, I'm sure some patients would prefer smoking it instead of taking it from a bottle.

You might know this as marijuana. Though I’m confident of its medicinal properties, I’m sure some patients would prefer smoking it instead of taking it from a bottle.

67. For new moms and babies, try Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine.

Because only in the Gilded Age could you sell such beer as a health tonic to nursing mothers. Yes, you got that right.

Because only in the Gilded Age could you sell such beer as a health tonic to nursing mothers. Yes, you got that right.

68. Thorazine always helps control agitation.

Because in domestic abuse situations, how else are you going to calm him if you can't get him institutionalized or obtain a restraining order? Seriously, this could almost look like domestic abuse here.

Because in domestic abuse situations, how else are you going to calm him if you can’t get him institutionalized or obtain a restraining order? Seriously, this could almost look like domestic abuse here.

69. For more pep try some cocaine pills.

Now this old man seems terrifying and bound to give anyone nightmares. Wouldn't want to see this guy on cocaine at any rate.

Now this old man seems terrifying and bound to give anyone nightmares. Wouldn’t want to see this guy on cocaine at any rate.

70. Got a headache and emotional fatigue? Try Anacin.

Yes, housewives, take Anacin because they relief that's acceptable for you is drugs. Never mind if the guy in the corner is your husband and the woman he's with is not you.

Yes, housewives, take Anacin because they relief that’s acceptable for you is drugs. Never mind if the guy in the corner is your husband and the woman he’s with is not you.

Working Out on Fitness Equipment

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After the holidays, it’s not unusual for many people to regret their yuletide season bingefest and have health and weight loss goals among their New Year’s resolutions. Of course, this means having to change your diet like eating healthier foods and exercise like getting more of it and hitting the gym. Retailers have taken notice of this and it’s no surprise that the January catalogs are filled with all kinds of health and fitness stuff in order to help you shed the holiday pounds. They also expect that most people who resolve to lose weight or improve health won’t be sticking to it by February. And by then all that health and fitness stuff will be listed at large discount prices. But you can bet that it will be all advertised again in the spring once Easter is over and bikini season is around the corner. Then again, at that point most people prefer to exercise outdoors, anyway. As for me, I prefer to go for a walk around the nearby roads of my house except when it’s unbearably cold or rainy. Now fitness equipment has existed in gyms and homes for a long time. What you see in this picture consists of the kind of fitness equipment you’d find at any gym or weight room. Yet, since a lot of people don’t have much access to a gym and are willing to try anything to lose weight in the laziest way possible, you tend to see a lot of fitness gizmos being marketed to the masses through infomercials and catalogs. And yes, they can be rather ridiculous Rube Goldberg devices that make inventions you see on Wallace and Gromit seem to make perfect sense (like Wallace’s machine to help him get up in the morning). But it doesn’t stop many of them becoming fads of their own, despite having a ridiculous premise behind it, appearing like something you’d find in a torture chamber or sex dungeon, make you look like a ridiculous idiot, and possibly carrying health risks. So for your viewing pleasure, here are some crazy fitness equipment that will make you scratch your heads in confusion or help shed some pounds through uproarious laughter. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Free Flexor
2-Free-Flexor

I guess this is among the latest in homoerotic work out equipment that flexes all your arm and shoulder muscles. Also, gives you a 6 minute 3D masturbation experience. And you thought the Shake Weight was inappropriate.

2. Treadmill Bike

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For those who like the run in place while you’re riding your bike, this is for you. Still, if you like running on a treadmill and the great outdoors, there’s always a cheaper option: running outside. Also, it looks like a scooter.

3. Fitness Equipment for Children

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Because why should kids be exempted from the adult gym experience when there’s a childhood obesity crisis on our hands? Besides, little Bobby needs to learn how to bench press if he wants to play in Pee-Wee wrestling or football.

4. Hawaii Chair

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From Huffington Post: “Constantly doing the hula at the office will definitely boost productivity and encourage a fun work environment.” Yeah, until someone pulls a ham string on this one.

5. Slendertone Belt

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So I suppose this is a magical vibrating belt that’s guaranteed to give anybody rock hard abs without doing any work on it. Worn by a guy who probably has his own personal trainer and spends countless hours in the gym.

6. Ab Rocket Twister Abdominal Trainer

9-Ab-Rocket

From Greatist: “Five minutes a day to “sizzling rock hard” abs? After a $14.95 30-day trial, some users beg to differ. And while the Ab Rocket might do something for that midsection, the neck and back supports aren’t exactly cushy, and the whole “workout-plus-massage” part? Talk about failure to launch.” Yeah, it looks fairly uncomfortable.

7. Big Wheel Skates

10-Chariot-Skates

Trying to skate whether on ice or on roller blades does give you some share of injuries with trips, slips, and falls. However, I think skating on these not only looks more dangerous, it also makes users look like complete idiots.

8. Dumbell Utensils

17-Dumbbell-Utensils

Because there’s no need why you should stop lifting weights in order to grab a bite. Just make your meals part of your exercise routine with these heavier utensils that make eating dinner really hard to bite into. Might encourage you to eat with your hands.

9. Steam-O-Belt

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Now this belt operates on the premise that sweating helps you lose body fat (like sauna pants and a lot of other things). Uh, that doesn’t work my friend. Of course, such facts didn’t get in the way of Lord Byron trying to sweat off his weight by wearing layers of waist coats. May not have worked by at least he looked better than these people.

10. Health and Beauty Belt Massager

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 You may see this thing in many old movies, TV shows, and cartoons. And yes, they’re still being made. Still, it’s said that this belt sends a vibrating wave targeting areas of excess fat. So how does that work?

11. Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power

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This one is from South Korea, which is designed, according to the manufacturer and I kid you not, “for those who like to ride the horse in front of TV and in home comfort of their own space.” Like a stable with its own TV? Seriously, how is a portable piece of stationary exercise equipment like riding a horse? I don’t get it.

12. Face Trainer

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I think this is supposed to tone your face to prevent sagging wrinkles through face exercising. I am not making this up. Still, not sure if my head confined to something like that.

13. Shake Weight

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Of course, I couldn’t ignore this one since it has been mercilessly mocked on SNL, Daily Show, South Park, and anywhere else. Helps you get in shape with suggestive pulsating motion as seen here. And yes, they make one for men.

14. The Bounce Back Chair

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It’s supposed to combine the cellular exercise of rebounding with the safety and comfort of a chair. Of course, they also claim that bouncing, “remove toxins, strengthen the immune system, and help build strong healthy cells.” Really?

15. Thigh Master

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This is another famous product that started the whole fitness “as seen on TV” thing. Still, so in order to get great thighs like Suzanne Somers, I just have to work out with this pool noodle clamp thing between my legs. Not sure if I buy it.

16. Combustible Gas Powered Pogo Stick

a97041_g021_8-pogo-stick

Part pogo stick, part jackhammer, this will help you shed pounds faster than you can imagine. Available during the 1960s, but it’s no longer in production for obvious safety concerns. Think of riding a jackhammer without a hose tethering you to a compressor.

17. Ab Lounge Chair

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Not sure if it’s guaranteed to give you rock hard abs. However, if you’re also part of the BDSM community, I assure you won’t be disappointed.

18. Leg Magic X

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This is an exercise machine designed for building leg muscles in senior citizens. You’re supposed to spread your legs and stand on it for 60 second sessions throughout the day. Nevertheless, it doesn’t provide much utility for $150.

19. Bucking Bronco Exercise Machine

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Apparently, in the olden days, working out at the gym had a lot of similarities to riding a mechanical bull. Wonder how many injuries that caused.

20. The Rack

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Don’t get me wrong, but this looks like a complete rip off to me. I mean if I wanted to work out like that, it would be cheaper for me to go over to my grandparents’ house, steal my grandpa’s walker, and exercise with that (which I wouldn’t do  in real life). This guy must feel like a complete idiot.

21. Electric Corset

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So if wearing a shapewear garment that crushes your internal organs wasn’t bad enough for women at the turn of the century. There was even a corset that was supposed to relieve their ills through electroshock. Said to relieve Nervous Debility, Spinal Complaints, Rheumatism, Paralysis, Numbness, Dyspepsia, Liver and Kidney Troubles, Impaired Circulation, Constipation, and Diseases Peculiar to Women. Not surprisingly, the guy who came up with this idea was a well known quack.

22. Dr. Kellogg’s Battle Creek Vibratory Chair

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No, this isn’t an execution device. It’s a therapeutic vibrating chair that was invented by the guy who’s name will be forever associated with a cereal brand. It was said to shake rather violent and be painful to sit on.

23. Wonder Cycle Exercisulator

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From Diettogo: “This device from the 1930’s is supposed to simulate the riding of a horse as you press down on the pedals. Wearing the headgear simply gives you extra style points.” Of course, it might be a fine addition to your sex dungeon if you’re into that sort of thing.

24. Ab Roller

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I think my high school has one of these things. It’s supposed to make doing sit ups easier by negating the lifting of one’s head while also giving them something to hold onto. Still, I might’ve tried to use one of these, but I couldn’t really do a sit up with it.

25. Human Exercise Wheel

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Because there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t have the same endurance work out method as your hamster. Seriously, this is just so ridiculous that you’d think it’s a joke. Sorry, but it’s a totally real thing.

26. Tug Toner

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If you didn’t think the Shake Weight or the Free Flexor didn’t give you a workout that you’d be embarrassed to do in front of the kids. The Tug Toner provides the ultimate suggestively vulgar workout. Costs only $39.95 with shipping and lots of handling.

27. iGallop

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From Complex: “We have our doubts that anyone has actually purchased this machine. It is our belief that it was engineered to produce a series of softcore porn infomercials starring girls in bootie shorts and cowboy hats. But, if you believe a half-hearted version of horseback riding is a great workout, and you are unable to get laid (as the workout has certainly similarities to the motions you go through in the sack) … well, this is the machine for you.” This kind of makes sense if you think about it.

28. The Europlate Vibraslim

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So in order to lose weight and get fit, I could stand on a vibrating platform for a few minutes. So how is this exercise? Because I don’t think standing on something that’s vibrating necessarily is.

29. Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle

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From Complex: “In his long and infamous career, Tony Little has produced enough fitness-related garbage to have this entire list to himself. With such inventions as Tony Little’s Cheeks Health Sandals to this atrocity, Little has made a career as a douchey fitness mad scientist. At least mad scientists tend to keep to themselves, chill in their lairs, and avoid sexual harassment.” It’s said that the informercial for this almost resembles a porn video.

30. Dr. Kellogg’s Stomach Roller

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Created by Dr. J. H. Kellogg, this was one of the early exercise machines that promised great abs. Not sure whether it worked or how it was supposed to accomplish that.

31. Power Wheel Pike

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It’s a wheel you’re supposed to do push ups with. Nevertheless, uni-cyclists can be happy that this product makes them seem normal in comparison.

32. Push Up Pump

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This one is supposed to help you with push ups. Of course, those who are push up challenged like me might save $100 if they use the same strategy as I do for a push up. You know, do knee push ups instead. Works just as well.

33. Red Exerciser

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This is supposed to swivel your way to a healthy body. Just sit down on this red stool, hold tight, and twist. Also doubles as a rather overpriced bar stool.

34. Relax-a-Cizor

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From Life Aura: This contraption should win an award somewhere for being the most ludicrous invention ever introduced to humankind! The poor women who had tried the vibration to no avail somehow became convinced that allowing themselves to be shocked via electricity would help! The Relax-a-Cizor was sold to over 400,000 unsuspecting victims before it was finally taken out of circulation, due to some very nasty side effects, including miscarriage, irregular heart rhythms, and aggravation of a number of underlying medical conditions. What a shock that is! No pun intended of course.” Available during the 1960s.

35. Slender Salon

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So I guess one of the few ways for women to get into shape in the 1950s is to sit on a chair with springs around their legs. And they could do their knitting in the meantime.

36. Slendertone Bottom Toner

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From Spot Me Girl: “With 99 intensity levels, your bottom isn’t the only thing it’s looking to tone! (seriously, why are all the vibrating things for women?)” She has a very good point. Still, this looks so ridiculous.

37. Walk Station

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Basically, it’s a treadmill for your work station that allows you to walk in place as you work. From Spot Me Girl: “This actually isn’t weird at all. It’s the fastest way to sound out of breath to your clients and the best way to smell awful at the office.”

38. Jump Snap- The Ropeless Jump Rope

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Now you can jump rope without ever having to worry about getting tangled in an an actual jump rope. Only catch is that it makes you look like a complete idiot in public.

39. Abdoer Twist

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From Huffington Post: “This piece of “equipment” looks like a horrible cross between office chair and virtual reality ride, I’m nauseous just looking at it.” Actually an office chair and virtual reality cross would be more fun than this thing.

40. Slendertone System Shorts

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Also known as vibrating Spanx as you can see. Are Spanx supposed to vibrate and help you lose weight? No.

41. Teeter Hang Ups Gravity Boots

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From Complex: “The fitness benefits of hanging upside down are … absolutely zero. But if you can’t fight the urge to defy gravity, we urge you to lock the door. You don’t want to get robbed, pranked by mischievous roommates, or have a visit from a vengeful ex while you are stupidly stuck in these.” Has a good point.

42. Gliding Discs Exercise System

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From Huffington Post: “Just what you’ve always wanted, two pieces of slippery plastic to help make your workout tougher and infinitely more dangerous. Place it under your feet then attempt a lunge! Watch out when you fall right on your face.”

43. BeamFit Balance and Exercise Beam

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From Huffington Post: “This one is super complicated. For $80 you can try to walk in a straight line.” Seems like a ripoff to me. I can walk in a straight line for no money at all.

44. Cool Shapes

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Another pair of exercise Spanx. But this time, you insert ice packs to freeze your body fat off. Not sure if it works, but I wouldn’t want to put ice packs in my pants to lose weight. What am I nuts?

45. Body Blade

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Now you can get in shape while reenacting your Robin Hood or Katniss Everdeen fantasies. Also makes you look like an idiot since it doesn’t come with arrows or a bowstring.

46. Molby Revolving Hammock

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From Slip Talk: “By the time the roaring 1920’s emerged, corsets were on their way out. However, inventors and scientists found new and exciting ways to combine painful bondage into passive fitness methods.”

47. High Tech Ride iJoy

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From Huffington Post: “Get six-pack abs and simulate riding a mechanical bull with the High Tech Ride iJoy. All you need to do is ‘sit back, keep your balance and have fun.'”

48. Mechanized Magic Beauty Chair

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From Life Aura: “The Magic chair made its debut in 1936 and offered a variety of ways to help a woman lose weight and become more pleasant to the eyes, simply by sitting in this nifty chair. The idea was that rigorously twisting the poor woman from side to side would somehow correct her posture, chip away at water retention in her ankles, slim her chin and all kinds of other lovely things! Never mind that not everyone sitting in this chair even had a crooked spine to begin with, perhaps after though!” Looks more like a torture device to me than a beauty chair.

49. Wonder Lounge Exerciser

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It’s a lounge chair that doubles as a workout mat. Wonder if anyone has gotten squeezed inside during assembly.

50. Sit Fit Exercise Device

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From Huffington Post: “For those who always wanted to grate cheese with their feet but never developed the right muscles.” Looks pretty painful, especially with heels.

51. Peddler

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From Huffington Post: “Stimulates leg circulation anywhere! Also, tense coworkers can lie beneath your desk and put product between their shoulder blades for an easy massage.” Makes a convenient doorstop.

52. Portable Home Gym

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From Huffington Post: “Perform hundreds of exercises including throwing pieces of metal against the wall in frustration.” You can say the same about some of the other devices on this post. Still, this ad makes it seem so fun.

53. Arm Exercise Weights

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Now you can get in shape at work while wearing an arm band with weights. Might weigh you down while you’re trying to do your job.

54. Slimming and Toning System

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From Huffington Post: “Full disclosure: Any product that requires users to take off their off their pants takes a little while to get used to. But fitness-minded friends will understand that sometimes, extreme toning calls for extreme measures. “

55. Talking Hand Exerciser

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You’re supposed to work your arm muscles by squeezing it. But squeezing it too hard might make this product scream in pain.

56. 2-Step Under-Desk Dancercise for Feet

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From Huffington Post: “Not only should you not be “dancercising” at your desk, but we’re pretty sure you can do whatever this product suggests using, well, your own two feet.”

57. The Velcro Home Jogger

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Because nothing makes a great workout than running in place in your own living room. Maybe if you want to go running, perhaps go outside.

58. Under-Clothing Resistance Weights

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They’re weights you wear under your legs in order to get fit. Just make sure you don’t wear them while swimming. Or if your boss might throw you in the lake.

59. Speedfit Portable Treadmill

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A treadmill is stationary equipment for people to run in place. It should stay that way. Seriously, a treadmill with wheels is just idiotic.

60. Shape Up Dumbbell Alarm Clock

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Some people tend to work out first thing in the morning. But this is just ridiculous. Seriously, why?

61. Dr. Weener’s Stud Master

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From the box, “At last – an exerciser that conditions the one muscle that all other machines ignore!” I wonder what that could be. Looks rather phallic. Oh, that’s what it’s for.

62. The Upper Body Aerobic Exerciser

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How is this supposed to exercise your upper body? All this looks to me is just a couple of rings melded together with bolts and handles. Also seems like a less erotic alternative to the shake weight than anything.

63. The Speedboard

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It’s supposed to be a treadmill without a motor and it’s powered by gravity and your ability to lift the weights. So how is this a treadmill?

64. Dumbell Phone

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Now you can lift weights while you’re on the phone. Of course, you’ll have to keep it up during the entire conversation unless you switch hands from time to time. Also, it’ll make you look incredibly stupid in front of your kids.

65. Vibrating Platform

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This is what a vibrating platform looked like during your grandparents’ day. Resembles some sci-fi styled torture device. But I’m sure those springs are electrically charged.

66. Ab Crunching Machine

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This was an invention by Dr. Gustave Zander. And this was how 19th century men tried to get those rock hard abs at the gym. Yeah, it kind of looks like something you’d see in Steampunk sex dungeon. But a man had to work out in his suit.

67. Push Up Machine

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This mechanism makes it easier for a Victorian gentlemen to do push ups or leg presses. Also, had to do them in his suit just to remain proper.

68. Adult Jungle Gym

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Allows adults to exercise their whole body at the gym. Or a rich Victorian gentleman’s sex dungeon. Makes me wonder whether Dr. Zander had some fetish with bondage.

69. Gentleman’s Leg Press

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This fitness device is supposed to strengthen your lower body by placing your feet on some large drum with their shoes off. Now I wonder how this is supposed to work. Guy just looks like he’s keeping his feet warm to me.

70. Work Out Frame Bench

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Yhis boy seems to enjoy working out on that piece of equipment. Kind of like I did in high school whenever I had to spend gym class in the weight room, which was a lot during the colder months. God, I used to hate it there.

71. Power Spin

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Said to: “Delivers arms and abs to be proud of.” It’s around tube with a ball in it that you just wiggle around for a long time with repetitive wrist motions. So it’s more likely to give you Carpal Tunnel Syndrome than great abs and biceps.

72. Lady’s Body Harness

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So I guess this is one of the few acceptable ways a Victorian lady could get in shape at the gym. Doesn’t really seem to do much. Seems like an early vibrating belt to me.

73. Love Handler

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It’s supposed to help you sculpt your body by helping you get rid of your love handles. Uh, I don’t think spot fat removal works that way. Eating less and more cardiovascular exercises is more effective.

74. Panasonic Core Exercise Trainer

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From Scooby’s Workshop: “There are much less expensive ways to train your core and they don’t take up half the room! To their credit they don’t make any unreasonable claims.” And don’t cost $2000 either. Buying a yoga mat and DVD is a better investment.

75. The ViPR

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It’s said that you can do over 9,000 exercises with this. You know what else you can do thousands of exercises with? A floor.

76. Facial Fitness Pao Smile Trainer

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Because nothing firms your face like a mouth plug with blades on it. Product from Japan. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist? Why?

77. The Sizer Upper

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I call this the “Sizer Upper” because all I think they’re doing is sizing each other up. Not sure how that gets you exercise.

78. Ab Circle

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Said to help you get great abs by helping you twirl in circles. Looks like some small stool with knee rests and handles to me.

79. Facial Lift Atonce

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Again another plug for your mouth that’s said to help prevent wrinkles and also makes you seem like an idiot. Probably doesn’t work.

80. TRX

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It’s a large fitness rack that seems to cost a lot and take up a lot of space. You’re supposed to work out on it with ropes. A swing set or monkey bars would make more sense.

Fictional Health Conditions

Disclaimer: This only lists medical conditions you’d find in fiction which most likely bear no resemblance to real life whatsoever. So don’t take any of it as medical advice. Presidential aging is the notable exception since that’s derived from how US presidents age in office but live to be 90 years old.

Fatal and Severe Illness:

Sorry, but people who die of a serious illness don't look like that at all. Seriously, Bette Davis should look like absolute hell by this time in the movie.

Sorry, but people who die of a serious illness don’t look like that at all. Seriously, Bette Davis should look like absolute hell by this time in the movie. But this is what Ali McGraw’s Disease looks like.

Ali McGraw’s Disease-illness which causes the sufferer to become more beautiful as death approaches. Mostly tends to infect attractive young women with boyfriends, particularly in historical settings.

Incurable Cough of Death-symptom that signifies that a character has what will lead to weakness and manifest itself as a terminal illness. This is especially the case in a lot tuberculosis sufferers in 19th century literature and opera. Also the case when the sufferer coughs up blood.

La Boheme Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character is able to do an incredibly good solo as they are wasting away from a fatal respiratory illness.

Victorian Novel Disease-basically this pertains to a combination of Incurable Cough of Death and Ali McGraw’s Disease. Yet, while it’s terminal, it has no effect on the character’s beauty or their ability to perform. Still, while this illness slowly kills its sufferers, their proximity to the eternal will give them immense wisdom and insight and be never ending sources of advice and comfort to their loved ones. And when they finally slip away, those around them will smile through their tears and rejoice that their souls are now free from this shitty world. Mostly tends to inflict young women and teenage girls known to be always innocent and pure. This is especially the case for such women who have boyfriends or reside in 19th century literature or opera.

Soap Opera Disease-a vaguely defined chronic disease. Often exhibits vague symptoms as well as fatal, but can linger on for a very long time. Sometimes results in a lengthy coma and perhaps a radical change in the victim’s appearance in non-fatal variants. Yet, in most fatal cases, often manifests itself as Ali McGraw’s Disease in the later stages. Often infects characters in daytime soap operas, particularly women.

Childhood Cancer Syndrome-a symptom that makes a severely ill child’s sole existence in the story to tug at the audience’s heartstrings. Often immune to anything other than the disease that will eventually kill them (unless the writer wants to punch the audience’s guts). Sufferers often tend to be wise beyond their years as well as make athletes swear to win a game or match for them, never taking to mind the negative repercussions if they fail to do this. Mostly tends to manifest in children who haven’t hit puberty yet.

Tiny Tim Syndrome-a symptom similar to Childhood Cancer Syndrome in which a chronically ill child’s chief purpose is to inspire some rich jerk into changing his ways so the kid could receive the medical treatment their parents can’t afford.

Dramatic Heart Attack-a medical condition in which a character experiences a heart attack in a display of chest clutching dramatics.

Blood from the Mouth – a symptom is indicative that a character is bleeding internally and is either going to die or need serious medical attention.

Excessive Ortifice Bleeding – a medical condition in which a person has blood coming out from every ortifice all because the writers want a very gory death scene. Usually happens in horror movies and is almost always fatal. Sometimes caused by a psychic or supernatural force.

Convulsive Epilepsy – a medical condition in which a character has a seizure in which he or she loses complete control of their body. Symptoms include flailing arms, writhing on the ground or frothing at the mouth.

Retirony – a medical condition which a person’s odds of survival decline once he or she decides to leave their job or it becomes apparent their term of service will soon end.

Brain Fever – a sudden acute febrile illness brought on by stress or personal issues that results in severe attacks of insanity hallucinations, and delirium. Is sometimes fatal.

Big Guy Fatality Syndrome – a medical condition in which the biggest, strongest, and most massive sidekick is less likely to survive when the shit hits the fan.

Vasquez Syndrome – a medical condition in which a female’s increase in toughness and aggression decreases her odds of survival. Befalls secondary female characters who look too butch to be love interests to the hero, especially if they’re not white. Characters played by Michelle Rodriguez are particular targets.

Sudden Sweetheart Photo Death Syndrome– a medical condition in which a person’s chances dying dramatically increase the moment he or she shows a picture of his or her sweetheart back home. Most prominent in soldiers from WWII movies.

Black Guy Fatality Syndrome – a medical condition which decreases a black guy’s chances of survival if he’s the only black male in the group. Can only be prevented if he brings a male black friend. Most prominent in black males in slasher horror movies.

Plagues:

Remember, when the zombie plague hits, this infographic will come in handy. Seriously, the threat of zombie apocalypse is very real in the world of fiction, particularly science fiction.

Remember, when the zombie plague hits, this infographic will come in handy. Seriously, the threat of zombie apocalypse is very real in the world of fiction, particularly science fiction.

Sterility Plague- an incurable disease that infects a large population that renders practically all males and females of child bearing age, unable to reproduce (either inflicting infertility, impotence, or aversion to sex). Usually caused by biological warfare though can arise naturally. Most often appears in science fiction.

Hate Plague-an ailment infecting a large population that causes them to become incredibly disagreeable with each other. Sometimes has a tendency to lead to victims inflicting violence or killing each other. Usually inflicted by mysterious forces or bad guys.

Mystical Plague-a disease outbreak brought upon through the magical powers of a person, group, or creature, whether by accident or design. However, this doesn’t mean that its agents are always immune. Mostly prevalent in fantasy.

Synthetic Plague-a disease inflicted on a large population that was created by humans whether by manufacture or genetic engineering. Can originate by design as a biological weapon or an experiment gone wrong. Usually deadly and might result in people becoming zombies. Usually appears in science fiction post-apocalyptic genre and zombie media.

Radiation Plague-a type of Synthetic Plague that usually infects survivors of a nuclear explosion or meltdown. Usually leads to zombification.

Zombie Plague-plague that usually leads to zombification. Usually caused by a Synthetic Plague.

Bodily Functions:

Wiley E. Coyote may never get the Roadrunner, but he tends to be quite indestructible compared to the rest of us. Seriously, look at how much crap he has to go through with all his schemes literally blowing in his face.

Wiley E. Coyote may never get the Roadrunner, but he tends to be quite indestructible compared to the rest of us. Seriously, look at how much crap he has to go through with all his schemes literally blowing in his face.

Steel Eardrum- a medical condition in which the character doesn’t suffer hearing damage while in extremely noisy environments without any hearing protection. Most prevalent in war movies and action films.

Water Immunity-a medical condition which allows a character to drink water from any source regardless of whether it’s actually safe to drink.

Heat Resistant Skin-a medical condition in which a character is able to survive in excessively hot temperatures and settings such as a house being engulfed in catastrophic flames.

Explosive-Proof – a medical condition in which a character is able to survive an explosion in close proximity with nothing more than a blackened face, cough puff, or possibly singed eyebrows.

Smoke Filtering Lungs-a medical condition in which a character is able to inhale large amounts of smoke for long periods of time without suffering severe respiratory damage like lung cancer or death.

Large Bowel Syndrome- a medical condition in which a character doesn’t have to go to the bathroom and doesn’t show any signs of constipation, UTI, or IBS.

Strong SCUBA Lungs- a medical condition that allows the character to hold their breath underwater for more than a minute without any assistance from scuba gear.

Electric-Resistance – a medical condition in which a character survives being electrocuted with nothing more than falling over, soot, smoke, and messy hair, even if such episode makes his or her skeleton becomes visible through his or her skin. Happens a lot in cartoons.

Walter White Syndrome- a medical condition that in which a cancer stricken character loses their hair on their head while undergoing chemotherapy treatment, yet retains the rest of their body hair.

Tears of Blood – a medical condition in which a person cries bloody tears which might mean that they caught some deadly virus, are being killed by weird supernatural means, a vampire, or overcome with grief over a lost loved one.

Elastic Skeleton – a medical condition in which a person is able to have their bodies and limbs tied into knots.

Frozen Resistance– a medical condition in which a person can survive being frozen with no ill effects for a very long time other than being in hibernation before thawing out.

Encino Man Syndrome – a medical condition in which a person can survive freezing for years without suffering ill effects other than being in hibernation prior to thawing or signs of age without any explanation whatsoever.

Angst Coma – a condition in which a person falls into a coma or catatonic state due to personal issues. Can only be cured if they’re resolved.

Substances:

Acquiring an immunity to poison can come in handy in situations like this. In real life, trying to acquire an immunity to poison will certainly kill you.

Acquiring an immunity to poison can come in handy in situations like this. In real life, trying to acquire an immunity to poison will certainly kill you.

Acquired Poison Immunity-a medical condition in which a character becomes immune to a particular poison by regularly ingesting it in small doses over a period of time.

Unexplainable Poison Immunity –a medical condition in which a character can suck out the poison from his or her companion without experiencing ill effects.

Drug Immunity-a medical condition in which a character is immune to the effects of a certain substance.

Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome-a medical condition in which a person ingests certain substances to change personalities at will so they could engage in activities they’d otherwise be arrested for. Yet, will eventually result in the person losing control as the Hyde personality takes over.

Laxative Immunity-a medical condition in which a character only experiences loose bowels after being subject to a laxative prank (or pertaining to other related substances).

Prescribed Cold Turkey Syndrome-a medical condition in which going off prescribed medication doesn’t result in anything worse than a hungover like withdraw or a grudging admittance that the medication helped.

Fertility and Sex:

Of Laban's two daughters, Rachel will be Jacob's one true love and favorite wife he worked 14 years for. Leah, on the other hand, will be basically the unwanted wife Jacob was tricked into marrying but kept around because she has at least 7 kids to him while Rachel has 2. Poor, poor, Leah.

Of Laban’s two daughters, Rachel will be Jacob’s one true love and favorite wife he worked 14 years for. Leah, on the other hand, will be basically the unwanted wife Jacob was tricked into marrying but kept around because she has at least 7 kids to him while Rachel has 2. Poor, poor, Leah.

Inverse Fertility Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s desire for a biological child will drastically inhibit his or her ability to conceive one. Yet, it also increases the likelihood of characters in characters who don’t want kids, even if they’re diagnosed as sterile, using birth control, had a vasectomy, or are virgins. Can only be cured through in vitro fertilization, magic, possibly giving up trying or warming up to parenting, adoption, or divine intervention. Usually results in teen pregnancy whenever a teenage couple have sex, even the first time.

STD Immunity-a medical condition in which a character has a large number of sexual partner yet never shows any symptoms of any STDs. Mostly prevalent in action movies, fantasy, and science fiction. Usually present in male action heroes, particularly those with their own franchise.

Leah Syndrome-medical condition in which a character’s past or unwanted sexual partner is most likely the co-parent of their child. Usually affects reluctant polygamists, guys who want to get rid of their exes, women in abusive marriages, promiscuous single moms, and divorcees.

Inverse Paternity Syndrome-a condition in which somebody’s father is the guy everyone else in the cast doesn’t want him to be. A variant of Leah Syndrome solely pertaining to unknown paternity.

Downton Abbey Syndrome-a condition in which one party responsible for a child’s conception suddenly and tragically dies around its birth. Most of the time it’s the father, especially if the child was conceived when its parents weren’t married and/or in wartime. Ditto, if he kills over during the pregnancy. If it’s the mother, she’ll usually die in childbirth. Nevertheless, this usually befalls parents who haven’t conceived previously.

Sudden Unmarried Dad Death Syndrome – a condition in which an unmarried father or father to be tragically dies either during his baby mama’s pregnancy or around the child’s birth, just so the guy isn’t made to seem like a deadbeat jerk and the single mom can have an angsty out of wedlock pregnancy that might lead to her having give up her kid at some point. A variant of Downton Abbey Syndrome that usually happens in stories where the single mom is the main character. Can only be prevented through a shotgun wedding.

Tom Jones Syndrome-condition in which the child’s parental revelation improves his or her fortunes drastically.

Disney Mother Death Syndrome-a condition in which a main character’s parent dies sometime during their childhood, particularly before the plot kicks in. Usually happens to the mother, especially if the protagonist is female.

Elastic Uterus- a condition in which a pregnant woman can deliver an abnormally large newborn baby fairly easily within minutes after the contractions start.

Squeakly Clean Childbirth- a condition in which a pregnant woman delivers a baby without much disgusting stuff coming from her vagina.

Quick Childbirth Recovery – a condition in which a woman can return to her duties right after done giving birth in a short amount of time.

Constant Ovulation Syndrome- a condition in which a woman doesn’t go through her monthly menstruation period and gets pregnant after having sex. Very common in teenagers.

Wedding Enhanced Fertility- a condition in which a woman unexpectedly becomes pregnant around the time she marries or is engaged to the child’s father. Usually leads to a happy, nice, and non-angsty pregnancy.

Star Trek Genetics – a medical condition in which an inter-species couple can have sex and produce fertile offspring regardless of configurations pertaining to their reproductive systems.

Melanie Wilkes Pregnancy– a medical condition in which a woman’s pregnancy lasts longer than it should, particularly if the author wants her to have a Catastrophe-Induced Labor in her American Civil War novel.

Express Delivery- a medical condition in which a woman gives birth to a healthy baby despite being pregnant for less than 8-9 months. Babies born this way usually resemble those born at full term and require no medical assistance associated with most premature deliveries. May give an indication that the child is devil spawn, monster, an alien hybrid, fantasy/humanoid hybrid, or mutant.

Fetus Terrible – a medical condition in which a pregnant woman suffers from complications caused by the fetus wreaking havoc inside her body. Related to Satanic Pregnancy Syndrome. Mostly results in Express Delivery, but may cause harm to the mother in which Caesarian delivery is best recommended (since most usually develop too quickly for abortion to be an option).

Convenient Miscarriage – a medical condition in which a woman miscarries a baby either to have highly tragic situation or because the writers really don’t want to deal with the implications of having to create a new character or cast child actors. Usually happens to women who aren’t happy about their pregnancies.

Hunger Games Period Skip– a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age fails to menstruate due to being a contestant in a fight to the death competition on national television.

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) – medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age goes into near psychotic anger or dramatic mood swings before or during her time of the month.

Menstrual Menace – a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age experiences supernatural menace during her time of the month. Side effects can result in great power and great insanity, fairy magnetism, and reality warping.

Menstrual Lycanthropy – a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age transforms into a werewolf during her menstrual cycle.

Satanic Pregnancy Syndrome (SPS) – a medical condition in which a pregnant woman suffers from complications caused by the fetus wreaking havoc inside her body because she was unwittingly impregnated by Satan and is carrying the Antichrist. May result in Express Delivery. A variant of Fetus Terrible. Abortion is best recommended in the early stages, assuming that Prince of Darkness paternity can be established and if there’s no doubt the fetus has no capacity to change (the latter which is much more problematic to prove except in horror movies where Satanic spawn usually try to bring upon the end of the world, no matter what). But even this might not be an option in most cases.

Village of the Damned Syndrome- a condition in which all women of child bearing age are impregnated by mysterious forces and give birth to fast growing, evil psychic blond children.

Chocolate Baby Syndrome- condition in which a child doesn’t at all resemble either of their parents and either glaringly obvious or acknowledged in the story. However, this doesn’t apply to children conceived through in-vitro fertilization via a sperm or egg bank. Nor does to children who are adopted either. Usually pertains to that the child’s putative father isn’t.

Not So Chocolate Baby Syndrome- condition in which a child doesn’t resemble either of their parents yet is still seen as biologically related.

Catastrophe-Induced Labor- condition in which a pregnant woman goes into labor at the worst possible moment.

Injuries:

Some people just don't know when to give up. Seriously, the Black Knight should really let King Arthur pass because he's just cut his bleeding arm off!

Some people just don’t know when to give up. Seriously, the Black Knight should really let King Arthur pass because he’s just cut his bleeding arm off!

Minor Gunshot Wound Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s severe injury doesn’t inhibit their ability to function.

Instant Roast – a medical condition that instantly turns a character into a succulent main course after experiencing an explosion or fire.

Hero Immunity- a medical condition in which a character can completely recover from his or her injuries without ever experiencing permanent scars all because they are the designated hero of the story.

Titanium Skull-a medical condition in which a character suffers nothing worse than a headache or dizzy spell after dealing with a blow to a head that rendered them involuntarily unconscious.

Matthew Crawley Syndrome-a medical condition in which character recovers after being paralyzed by a spinal injury in a very short length of time.

Black Knight Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character thinks their severe injury doesn’t affect their ability to function despite obvious evidence to the contrary.

Accordionism- a medical condition in which a person is squashed into a pleated and flexing shape after being crushed by a large object. Occurs a lot in cartoons.

Instant Soprano – a medical condition in which a man’s voice gets dramatically high after experiencing castration or a groin injury. May be temporary or permanent.

Annoying Arrow Syndrome-a medical condition in which being shot by an arrow doesn’t cause the victim anything more than a slight discomfort upon removal but they could still be functional if left unattended.

Recoil Proof-a medical condition in which the shooter is immune from the repercussions of Newton’s Third Law.

Pincushion Syndrome-a medical condition in which the character is heavily shot up but is still able to normally function. May or may not result in death.

Squashed Flatism-a medical condition in which a character is squashed flat but still survives as a flatter version of themselves. Prevalent in cartoons.

Protruding Head Bump – a medical condition in which a large swelling appears on a character’s head that develops after a blow to the head. Disturbance is best not recommended and may cause multiple protrusions as a result.

Head Injury Amnesia-in which a character experiences amnesia due to a head injury. Can be cured by being hit on the head again or regaining their memories through psychiatric intervention.

Head Injury Personality Change-in which a character’s personality and identity change drastically after experiencing a head injury. Can only be cured by being hit on the head again.

Drowning Scream Syndrome-a medical condition in which a drowning character still has the adequate lung capacity to call for help.

Invisible Holes – a medical condition in which a character is wounded with no ill effects except liquid pouring out of their skin. Happens a lot in cartoons.

Extra Fat Cushioning- a medical condition in which enables to character to jump into any soft spot without being subject to injury.

Fall Proof-a medical condition in which a character doesn’t die from the fall unless they hit the ground.

Debris Dodging Speed-a medical condition which allows the character outrun explosions, fireballs, overpressure, ammo, and debris.

Psychic Nosebleed – a medical condition in which someone experiences blood coming out of certain parts of their body as a result of psychic effort.

Disability:

Charly may become smart later on in this but it won't last. And let's just say Algernon's fate is very indicative of what will happen to him. And what gets me is that Cliff Robertson won this Oscar over the great Peter O'Toole.

Charly may become smart later on in this but it won’t last. And let’s just say Algernon’s fate is very indicative of what will happen to him. And what gets me is that Cliff Robertson won this Oscar over the great Peter O’Toole.

Disability Superpower-a medical condition in which a disabled character has a superpower that counteracts with their disability.

Inspirationally Disadvantaged-a medical condition that makes a disabled character an inspiration for everyone else. May lead to people marveling at them by performing even the more mundane tasks.

Disability Recovery- a medical condition in which a character who’s been disabled for an extended amount of time suddenly regains the ability to use their disabled organ again. Can either be done by sheer will power, miracles, or medical treatment.

Flowers for Algernon Syndrome –a medical condition in which a mentally challenged person experiences a rapid rise in IQ for a certain amount of time before returning to normal and dying.

Tragic Autism – a learning disorder that impairs a person’s social skills and prevents them from living a normal life. Can range from Idiot Savants and Rain Men to literal minded insufferable geniuses.

Rain Man Syndrome – a form of Autism that gives the sufferer a Disability Superpower.

Idiot Savant – a medical condition in which a person is mentally challenged except in a certain ability.

Compulsive Swearing Tourette’s Syndrome –a disorder in which a person is subject to frequent fits of compulsive swearing. Happens in comedies.

Scrambled Dyslexia –a disorder which causes a person reading difficulties because they see every word scrambled.

Super Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – a disorder which causes a person to be obsessed with order, symmetry, and following patterns of behavior.

Characteristics:

Sorry, Dan Brown, but real albinos just don't make effective assassins. Seriously, poor vision is a main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism since many albinos don't have normal development in the retina or in nerve connections between the eyes and brain. As a result, many are legally blind.

Sorry, Dan Brown, but real albinos just don’t make effective assassins. Seriously, poor vision is a main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism since many albinos don’t have normal development in the retina or in nerve connections between the eyes and brain. As a result, many are legally blind.

Bad AB- Blood Syndrome- a medical condition in which two people who hate each other share a rare blood type and everyone else in their world doesn’t. Yet, it’s unknown to most of the cast that the injured person could receive blood with the same Rh from anybody.

Bad O Blood Syndrome- a medical condition in which the two people who hate each other share a common blood type but the injured person can’t receive blood from anyone else. Mostly because the majority of the cast doesn’t know their own.

Missing Belly Button Syndrome- a condition in which a person has no belly button.

DaVinci Code Albinism – a condition in which a character’s albinism doesn’t harm his or her eyesight.

Chuck Cunningham Syndrome – a condition in which a character disappears without explanation.

Fantasy Health:

Sure Harry's a wizard all right. But he's able to talk to snakes because he has a part of a soul from the evil guy who killed his parents who split his soul in his quest for eternal life. Of course, Harry ability to talk to snakes has some unfortunate implications in the Chamber of Secrets.

Sure Harry’s a wizard all right. But he’s able to talk to snakes because he has a part of a soul from the evil guy who killed his parents who split his soul in his quest for eternal life. Of course, Harry ability to talk to snakes has some unfortunate implications in the Chamber of Secrets.

Resurrection Sickness-a medical condition in which a character isn’t quite the same as their pre-mortem selves after coming back from the dead.

Magical Malfunction Malady-a medical condition in which a magically powered person’s ailment affects their ability to perform magic. Mostly appears in fantasy. May be caused by illness, curse, puberty, or pregnancy. Can result in the sufferer losing their powers or the ability to control them. Usually there is no easy cure so the sufferer either has to wait it out or summon his allies to go on a quest for some strange cure, which usually entails getting some rare or mysterious item in some very remote location.

Demon Possession-a medical condition in which a character’s personality changes and not for the better due to being possessed by a demon. Must be cured by an exorcist.

Voldemort Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s quest for eternal life causes them grow ugly and evil.

Gollum Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s unhealthy attachment to a magical object causes them to grow ugly and evil.

Horcrux Syndrome- a condition in which a person possesses part of another’s soul and gains that particular person’s abilities.

Peter Pan’s Shadow -a condition in which a character’s shadow takes on a life and personality of its own. Has to be found and sewn back on.

Dark Lord on Life Support – a condition in which a dark magical character is not quite dead but is able to survive due to some magical contraption.

Marvolo Ring Syndrome – a condition results in a magical character’s slow and painful death after touching a dark magical object. Noble assisted suicide is usually recommended.

Magical Coma –a condition in which a character is put into a deep sleep for a very long time under some magical force but can only be awoken through sexual assault or something else. Sufferer will always wake up in the same way as they fell into the coma in the first place with or without life support. And in some cases for women, might be able to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

Body Switching – a condition in which a character finds him or herself in another person’s body. Can only be cured when the relationship with the other person is resolved.

Children:

Sure Pearl is a creepy girl all right, but c'mon, there's nothing in the book to suggest that she's bad. I mean she doesn't kill anyone.

Sure Pearl is a creepy girl all right, but c’mon, there’s nothing in the book to suggest that she’s bad. I mean she doesn’t kill anyone. She’s just so misunderstood in 17th century Massachusetts.

Soap Opera Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SOSIDS) – a medical condition in which a baby dies soon after its birth very tragically despite being conceived and carried under optimal conditions and delivered as a healthy baby (if not stillborn). Causes of death can pertain to car accidents and premature labor. Only happens to children of soap opera couples in happy relationships in which the mother is happy about the pregnancy.

Soap Opera Adversity Survival Syndrome (SOASS) – a medical condition in which a baby survives its birth despite being conceived and carried under dicey circumstances such as an affair. Born to women who’ve spent their pregnancies contemplating certain options (like abortion and adoption) and spent months wailing and angsting about the turmoil pertaining to the birth. Children may be subject to Inverse Paternity Syndrome and SORAS, since this happens mostly in soap operas.

Neville Longbottom Puberty – a medical condition in which an awkward looking kid experiences a remarkable transformation during his or her adolescence that signify his or her growth and change as a character.

Pearl Prynne Syndrome -a medical condition in children in which the child looks creepy and says really creepy things but has no indication they pose a danger to anybody.

Damien Syndrome – a medical condition in children resulting from a SPS which renders them completely evil and homicidal.

Hellboy Syndrome – a medical condition in children resulting from a SPS, which results in them having a perfectly normal personality, though appearances may vary.

Premature Male Puberty – a medical condition in which an adolescent boy has the body of an adult man between the ages of 20 to 30 years old. Happens in a lot of teen centered media due to casting adult actors in teen roles.

Adolescent Height Stunting – a medical condition that results in an adolescent character being shorter than both his or her parents as well as other adults, regardless of whether it makes any sense.

South Park Syndrome – a medical condition in which a child is disproportionally short for their age and is never implied to suffer from dwarfism or part of an unusually small humanoid race. Prevalent in cartoon children between the ages of 4-12.

Renesmee Syndrome – a medical condition in which a child manages to grow up in a very short timespan.

Sudden Firstborn Son Death Syndrome – a medical condition in which the oldest male child in the family dies because his parents were being jerks. Takes some form of divine punishment, especially after a series of plagues.

Aging:

This must be the scene in Hamlet when he's telling Ophelia to "get thee to a nunnery." Oh, wait a minute he's yelling at his mom Gertrude. Seriously, she looks way too young to be his mom. And he looks way too old to be going to college.

This must be the scene in Hamlet when he’s telling Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery.” Oh, wait a minute he’s yelling at his mom Gertrude. Seriously, she looks way too young to be his mom. And he looks way too old to be going to college.

Cartoon Child Syndrome – a condition in which a child remains at the same age for a very long time for no explanation since it’s much easier for the animator in question and that the voice actor is an adult anyway.

Peter Pan Syndrome – a condition in which a child remains at the same age for a very long time. Yet, unlike Cartoon Child Syndrome, it’s explained in story

Pre-Natal Maturity – a condition in which a person begins life as an adult.

Benjamin Button Syndrome-a condition in which a person begins life as an old person and dies as a baby.

Shakespearean Rapid Aging Syndrome (SRAS)- a medical condition in which a teenager or young adult has the body of someone who’s at least 30 years old. Endemic in Shakespearean drama, especially in productions of Richard III, Romeo and Juliet, or Hamlet. Happens in a lot movies, theatrical, and TV productions set in historical times, in which the actors are considerably older than their characters should be. Most prevalent in males.

Agora Syndrome – a condition in which a person appears considerably younger and more attractive than they should be. Happens in a lot of historical adaptations but is less common than SRAS.

13 Going on 30 Syndrome – a condition in which a person ages for several years in the span of a night.

17 Again Syndrome -a condition in which a person’s aging is reversed several years in the span of a night.

Esther Coleman Syndrome – a disorder in which a person stops growing and aging as a child.

Methuselah Syndrome-a condition in which a person lives way past the average human lifespan.

Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome (SORAS)- a condition in which a child spends a short amount of time offstage, only to emerge as considerably older than any normal kid would be. Prevalent in movie series and TV shows, especially soap operas. Yet, on sitcoms, babies only age up after only a few years.

Immortal Aging Syndrome-a condition in which a character’s immortality doesn’t stop them from aging.

Immortal Adult Stasis- a condition in which an immortal character comes of age and remains that way forever. That or granted immortality at that age.

Abnormal Infantile Memory Syndrome- a condition in which a child could remember a lot of stuff before the age of 3 other than stuff that’s either very traumatic or significant in their lives like the birth of a sibling for instance.

Sudden Grandparent Death Syndrome- a condition in which a child’s grandparents die sometime before the plot gets in so they can have a terrible living arrangement as an orphan, even when such demises make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Harry Potter’s Grandparents Death Syndrome- a variant as SGDS in which a child’s grandparent die sometime before the plot kicks in when such a natural death doesn’t make absolutely no sense in its fictional universe.

Stress Induced Premature Aging – a condition in which a character ages considerably quickly due to excessive stress. A common symptom is hair going gray or white. May be caused by dealing with a severe illness, adverse conditions, or after having to make a difficult decision.

Gillian Darmondy Syndrome – a condition in which a character seems unbelievably young to parent his or her biological child, but in a way that makes perfect sense such as teen pregnancy, alien biology, being unusually attractive, paranormal activity, divinity, or anything to do with magic or futuristic technology.

Gertrude Syndrome- a condition in which a character seems unbelievably young to parent his or her biological child but where it makes absolutely no sense. May be caused by the author’s inability to comprehend biology or basic mathematics or casting an actor noticeably younger than the character should be. Perhaps even younger than the person playing his or her biological child.

Anime Shrinkage – a condition in which an elderly character’s height shrinks at an accelerated rate in a short amount of time than it should.

Dorian Gray Syndrome -a condition in which a character never ages but with a dark magical catch. May result in the sufferer losing his or her soul.

Presidential Aging – a condition in which a character’s rapid aging has no effect on their lifespans.

Psychological Conditions:

Dexter Morgan: I'm not sure if modern psychology would classify as a psychopath or just a homicidal maniac with PTSD. Still, since it's TV, he's a psychopath.

Dexter Morgan: I’m not sure if modern psychology would classify as a psychopath or just a homicidal maniac with childhood induced PTSD. I mean he does have people he sincerely loves in his life. Still, since it’s TV and he likes to kill people, he’s a psychopath. But he has a code on who he kills. Very difficult to classify. However, many of his victims tend to fit in the psychopathic mindset much better than he does.

Gold Fever-a condition which results the intensity of a character’s insatiable greed and propensity for violence is inverse to their sanity and self-control.

Jack Torrance Syndrome-a variant kind of Cabin Fever that causes raving lunacy and homicidal tendencies.

Napoleon Delusion-a psychological condition in which a sufferer thinks they’re a famous dead celebrity. Those who suffer from this may or may not be a danger to other people.

Vertigo Syndrome-a psychological condition in which the sufferer makes their significant other drastically alter their appearance in order to resemble a dead person the afflicted has been obsessed about but hasn’t even met.

Laura Syndrome-a psychological condition in which the sufferer falls in love with a person reputed to be dead who may not be.

Oedipus Complex -a psychological condition in which a person hates one parent and has a secret wish to sleep with the other. Sometimes the sufferer might not even realize it.

Multiple Personality Crisis Disorder- a psychological condition in which a serious personal issue causes a person to have multiple personalities yet, disappear once they get their lives back together again. Yet, it won’t always be the same personality they started out with.

Three Faces of Eve Disorder-a variant of MSCD in which the person recovers from having multiple personalities with a totally different identity and personality than they started out with.

Richard Harrow Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character’s desensitization from violence and capability of racking up huge body counts doesn’t prevent them from being a perfectly decent person otherwise and possible the nicest one in the whole cast.

Norma Desmond Disorder- a psychological disorder in which a character is running a whole era behind and still thinks they could make a comeback despite that ship sailing.

Manchurian Candidate Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character is brainwashed into being an assassin.

Alfred Hitchcock Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character seems to develop a strange rabid interest in murder mysteries that lead to violence or not.

Cassandra Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character always tells the truth but nobody believes them.

Adoption Denial Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character doesn’t know they’re adopted even though they should’ve obviously figured it out by now.

Paternal Denialist Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a male character thinks that he’s a child’s biological father despite obvious evidence to the contrary.

Post-Traumatic Amnesia – a psychological condition in which a person loses all prior memories or sense of identity after witnessing a traumatic incident.

Science-Related Memetic Disorder – a psychological disorder in which a character uses their sociopathic tendencies to conduct scientific research or experiments. May lead to beyond horrific results for victims.

Destructive Insanity – a psychological condition in which a person isn’t in touch with reality as well as a poses a hazard to themselves and others. Can be caused by anything, notably a terrible childhood or a traumatic moment. Symptoms include violent outbursts, an insatiable urge to kill people or self-harm, creepiness, unstoppable rage, or substance abuse. Sometimes hearing voices in the head, hallucinations, talking to puppets, etc.

Trauma Sociopathy – a psychological condition in which a person becomes a psychopath after experiencing a brain injury in a traumatic incident during childhood.

Pyromania- a mental disorder in which a person loves to start fires, watch them, and see the people burned in them. Are always arsonists and serial killers.

Harmless Insanity – a mental disorder in which the sufferer causes no harm whatsoever while his or her psychological symptoms are used for comedy.

Single Issue Psychology – a psychological condition in which a person’s psychological problems are due to one major thing pertaining to their lives.

Psychopathy – a psychological condition in which a person may seem rather charming and outgoing but devoid of any empathy, shame, humility, or sense of responsibility. Doesn’t care what is right or wrong, is manipulative, engages in hedonistic behavior, and could possibly be a psycho killer, a Wall Street executive, or both. Sufferers are thoroughly irredeemable.

Post Traumatic Stress Badass Disorder – a psychological condition in which a character’s traumatic experience in war makes him or her exceptionally capable of handing any dangerous situation.

Reasons to Support Universal Healthcare in the United States

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The cause of universal healthcare is one that’s close to my heart and one that’s subject to so much controversy in the United States. I mean whenever Obamacare was still in the bill phase, it was under such intense opposition that it formed the Tea Party. Now Obamacare doesn’t provide universal healthcare nor was it intended to. Yet, I supported the legislation anyway because I felt that it offered the kind of healthcare reform my country greatly needed despite that I didn’t think the ACA went far enough. Nevertheless, it disgusts me that there are some people in the United States who vehemently oppose universal healthcare so much that they go to great lengths to extinguish any attempt to reform an already broken healthcare system that comes on the congressional docket. So far, Obamacare is now the subject of another Supreme Court case, this time on federal subsidies to states on the federal exchange. Of course, hearing the ads on federal subsidies from the UPMC commercials on the radio, I think it’s very unlikely that the libertarian lawyers of King v. Burwell will have their way, but I could be wrong. Not only that, but since Republicans have taken control of Congress in 2011, the US House has tried to repeal Obamacare over 40 times, which I think is a shame.

I know that a lot of Americans think about universal healthcare and I don’t expect anyone to change their minds. I know that this post will be filled with points that may spark outrage or perhaps inflammatory comments but I think they need to be said nonetheless. Yet, understand that what I mean by “universal healthcare” I mean a non-profit healthcare system providing quality affordable service to all Americans. Now I don’t think a universal healthcare will solve all the US health system’s problems (and there are lots), but I think it would be a system the American people would be much happier with than the one we have now. While the number of uninsured has declined from 50 million since the late 2000s, I still think that even one uninsured American is far too many. However, here I list several of the reasons why I support universal healthcare in the United States. I insist that anybody who reads this take a lot of thought into these points to see why I believe in what I do and that my support for universal healthcare doesn’t just stand on my liberal ideology alone.

1. Healthcare is a basic human right and there’s no reason why medical treatment should be denied to anyone too poor to pay for it– to me the issue of universal healthcare isn’t about giving social entitlements to poor people. Rather it’s a moral issue of human rights and I’ve always believed that a for-profit healthcare system doesn’t adhere to this and has a history of discriminating against the poor and ill. I believe that every American should have a right to healthcare even if they are lazy unemployed moochers on welfare or undocumented immigrants because it’s the simply right thing to do. No sick person deserves to be turned away from medical treatment for any reason. Even though the US doesn’t recognize healthcare as a human right, the international community does and so do most religious groups. So yes, I do believe I’m entitled to healthcare just because I’m a human being as well as to everyone else.

This is a 2011 infographic from Amnesty International pertaining to the maternity care situation in the United States, especially when it comes to infant and maternal mortality. Now if there's any reason why someone who's pro-life should support universal healthcare, it's this. The findings are disturbing.

This is a 2011 infographic from Amnesty International pertaining to the maternity care situation in the United States, especially when it comes to infant and maternal mortality. Now if there’s any reason why someone who’s pro-life should support universal healthcare, it’s this. The findings are disturbing.

2. The Abortion Issue– now as a Catholic feminist, I may not consider myself as wholly pro-life or pro-choice (though this position is consistent with most Americans if you really think about it, but let’s not go there). However, whether you believe in an unborn child’s right to life or a woman’s right to choose whether to terminate a pregnancy, we should all get on board with the idea that all pregnant women who choose life should have access to pre-natal care regardless of their ability to pay as I fervently do. There is nothing pro-life or pro-choice about denying pregnant women access to affordable healthcare, especially it could save her unborn child’s life as well as prevent her from seeking an abortion in the first place. The fact many pro-lifers tend to be conservatives who’ve been fighting to deny pregnant women access to affordable healthcare which is completely inexcusable (and the fact pro-choicers tend to be less vocal about it as well). Whenever a pregnant woman is denied access to affordable pre-natal care due to being too poor or uninsured, her unborn child’s right to life is denied as well. When a woman seeks an abortion because she can’t afford to seek medical treatment for possible life-threatening complications also denies her right to choose as well. In many ways, denying affordable healthcare access is simply an unforgivable crime against humanity that should never be acceptable and perhaps even less justifiable than abortion. Add to that the fact that the US has a high infant and maternal mortality rate compared to other First World nations while nations with universal healthcare have lower abortion rates. Thus, whatever side you’re on in the abortion issue, guaranteed healthcare access to all should be non-negotiable.

3. Getting a job with employee based health insurance is no longer a guarantee– say what you want about Obamacare, but this is a good reason why it’s worth protecting. Since the Recession, the chances of someone finding a job with employee based health benefits is no longer a guarantee, especially if you’re a Millennial whose chances of getting a job with health benefits by 26 are slim (as well as the fact that most people uninsured usually live in a situation in which they or a member of their families have a job that either offer no health benefits or aren’t eligible for their employee plan). This can never be more apparent since the future of work is in the service sector which mostly consist of low-income jobs that don’t offer healthcare benefits or at least an adequate healthcare package. And even if you do have a job with benefits, this doesn’t mean you’re quite out of the woods. After all,  losing your job might result in you losing your health insurance. This can happen more often than you think since it’s very likely you’ll need to switch jobs more than a few times in your adult life. And you don’t always know how long it would before you can get another job. At least Obamacare provides a viable option for affordable healthcare for those facing an unpredictable economic future like myself since it stays with you after you sign up (or it’s supposed to). As a Millennial, living without health insurance is one of my deepest fears. I pray to God that the Supreme Court at least has the decency to rule in favor of the federal subsidies for King v. Burwell since I live in a state that doesn’t have a state exchange nor a Medicaid expansion as far as I know as of 2015. And, yes, I do plan to sign up for Obamacare when I reach that age since the federal exchange is now my only option for affordable healthcare once I reach my 26th birthday.

Here are some statistics from the National Research Center detailing what services the uninsured do without because of the cost whether it's getting a test, skipping a prescription, or putting off a doctor's visit.

Here are some statistics from the National Research Center detailing what services the uninsured do without because of the cost whether it’s getting a test, skipping a prescription, or putting off a doctor’s visit.

4. Everyone needs healthcare and being uninsured has devastating consequences– since we’re all human beings, we all need healthcare since we’re not invincible and you never know when you’ll be facing a medical emergency. Being uninsured can lead to a lot of devastating consequences individuals and families alike, which nobody wants to face. When uninsured, people are just one serious illness or injury away from losing their homes, their life savings and income, as well as their lives. Uninsurance also leads to high medical bills as well as possible denial of treatment, too. Thus, having an individual mandate should be a no brainer.

Here are some statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Services measuring healthcare spending from 2009. The pie on the left shows where the money comes from while the pie on the right shows where the money goes.

Here are some statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Services measuring healthcare spending from 2009. The pie on the left shows where the money comes from while the pie on the right shows where the money goes.

5. Conditions in the healthcare system were complete hell before Obamacare– Whether you love or hate Obamacare, most Americans would agree that our healthcare system may not be ideal, but it’s still better than under the Bush Administration. We should all remember that before Obamacare, it wasn’t uncommon for people to be denied health insurance because of a preexisting condition (at least legally). It was also common for people to lose their insurance (and/or job) when faced with a medical emergency or at least be faced with paying an exorbitant amount of money. And it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just say, while Americans may not see eye to eye on Obamacare, most wouldn’t want to return to the US healthcare system under the Bush years.

This is a graph from that National Business Group on Health explaining the rate of medical cost increases from 1999 to 2014. Note how it's dropped at its lowest rate in 15 years.

This is a graph from that National Business Group on Health explaining the rate of medical cost increases from 1999 to 2014. Note how it’s dropped at its lowest rate in 15 years.

6. Like education, individuals with healthcare are able to contribute more productively to the workforce than those who don’t– there may be a lot of complaints from conservatives that universal healthcare will only make the hardworking rich pay for the lazy poor on welfare. However, like education, individuals with healthcare contribute more productively to the workforce because they’re more likely to lead healthier lives and miss work much less. Besides, in the event of an injury or illness, the sooner a person receives medical treatment the more likely he or she will be able to work again. If an illness or injury goes untreated, the more likely a person will end up disabled with a chronic health condition or untimely dead. Those who are poor and disabled usually seek out public assistance because nobody’s going to hire them anytime soon. The fact the vast majority of people on welfare are either disabled or under 18 should illustrate this. Not only that, but their chronic condition could also limit their ability to lead a healthier lifestyle. Thus, while healthy individuals with health insurance usually can find work, unhealthy people without insurance are usually stuck in poverty because their chronic health conditions simply make them unemployable.

Here's an infographic from Atlanta Health showing the costs of the uninsured to hospitals, doctors, and other providers in 2012 according to state.

Here’s an infographic from Atlanta Health showing the costs of the uninsured to hospitals, doctors, and other providers in 2012 according to state.

7. Taxpayers spend a lot of money on treating the poor already– while those living in poverty are more likely to be uninsured, they’re also more prone to adverse life threatening health conditions or injuries, seek medical treatment when it’s too late, and receive care in the emergency room when things go from bad to worse. Whenever an uninsured person is treated in the ER, it’s likely to cause healthcare costs and premiums to rise for the insured as well by $922 for families (this before Obamacare). Not to mention, poorer people are more likely to work jobs in adverse conditions as well as have worse health habits and be victims of gun violence. And when it comes to gun violence, taxpayers shoulder about 80% of the medical costs mostly because victims are more likely to be from a group that’s heavily uninsured or on Medicaid. This amounts to billions of dollars. Still, while critics say that universal healthcare will lead to poor people mooching off taxpayers, Americans are basically paying for poor people’s medical treatment now as we speak. And the fact that many of them don’t have insurance is part of the reason. Oh, and when these people go on Medicare, taxpayers pay the bill for those who may be suffering a lot of chronic health conditions brought by illness and injury that could’ve been treated years ago.

This is from a 2011 infographic on the consequences of being uninsured in the United States and shows what could happen to those people such as an undetected serious condition, disability, and early death.

This is from a 2011 infographic on the consequences of being uninsured in the United States and shows what could happen to those people such as an undetected serious condition, disability, and early death.

8. If a poor homeless bum can be uninsured, then so can you– whether it’s being unable to afford insurance, dropped coverage from the insurance company, or job loss, if a poor person is uninsured, then it affects your access to affordable healthcare. This is especially true, when poor people visit the emergency room because it’s the only place in the hospital that would take them. And it’s usually the insured who pay for their treatment as well as contributes to high healthcare costs since emergency care is extremely expensive and with unpredictable cost. The higher healthcare prices rise, the more likely people are going to end up uninsured. If the healthcare system treated the poor in the way it treats the insured (like regular checkups, follow-up visits, etc.), healthcare costs may not have gotten this bad.

Here are even some more statistics from the 2011 infographic on the costs of being uninsured in America such as early death, multiple ER visits, and unpaid medical bills.

Here are even some more statistics from the 2011 infographic on the costs of being uninsured in America such as early death, multiple ER visits, and unpaid medical bills.

9. Treating the poor in the Emergency Room makes hospitals less likely to adequately treat patients in truly emergency situations– all too often in the United States, Emergency Rooms usually serve as places that treat the uninsured since they can’t turn anyone away. Most of the time when the uninsured have a serious condition, they will simply not seek any medical attention until it gets substantially worse. Not to mention, there are some patients who aren’t experiencing actual emergencies and those who’d be better served in a non-acute setting. These patients are usually there because they’re uninsured. This leaves ERs basically overused, overcrowded, and with an overstressed staff which would inhibit their effectiveness in treating ER patients with real life threatening conditions, insured or not. Thus, when uninsured flood the emergency room, quality emergency care is compromised.

This is a chart from Forbes magazine comparing the quality of US healthcare to that of 10 other countries as well as the costs. By the way, the US is the only country on this chart that doesn't have Universal Healthcare. Not to mention, this magazine isn't run by liberals.

This is a chart from Forbes magazine comparing the quality of US healthcare to that of 10 other countries as well as the costs. By the way, the US is the only country on this chart that doesn’t have Universal Healthcare. Not to mention, this magazine isn’t run by liberals.

10. A lot of other industrialized countries have Universal Healthcare, most of which have better health systems than the United States– the US doesn’t have the best healthcare system in the world and one of the few industrialized countries that doesn’t have a universal healthcare system. Meanwhile, other countries have managed to have ways to guarantee universal affordable health care to all their citizens and their people are much healthier (though their systems may have their share of unique problems and challenges). The British have a National Health Service which is a point of national pride in the UK and spend half as much on healthcare as we do. While Japan is known for a high cost of living, their health services are comparatively cheap and you always know what you’re paying for. Taiwan and Canada have government run health systems while France, Germany, and Switzerland don’t (though their systems are non-profit while Switzerland’s healthcare plan is modeled after Hillary Clinton’s 1994 healthcare plan that didn’t pass Congress). Still, even the most conservative people in those countries are much more satisfied with their healthcare system than even Obamacare’s harshest critics are with ours. The United States spends more on healthcare than any other industrialized nation and affordable access is still denied. When tourists get sick in the country, they often find themselves getting medical bills that cost an extraordinary amount of money such as the Canadian woman slapped with a million dollars for having a child in Hawaii. This is unacceptable.

11. The United States provides a lot of taxpayer funded services– these include free public education, highways, fire department, police, national parks, historical preservation, national defense, public libraries, banking protections, postal service, water utilities, mass transit, emergency services in environmental and national disasters, and so many more. So why should paying for healthcare be any different? Thus, there should be no reason why universal healthcare isn’t unconstitutional.

This graph is from the Huffington Post pertaining to how much health care costs have increased since the 1960s, which they say is a staggering 818% while the GDP and wages not so much. This might be biased but it helps show why the US health system was in dire need of reform by Obamacare.

This graph is from the Huffington Post pertaining to how much health care costs have increased since the 1960s, which they say is a staggering 818% while the GDP and wages not so much. This might be biased but it helps show why the US health system was in dire need of reform by Obamacare.

12. For-profit healthcare isn’t what it’s cracked up to be– sure you may hear libertarians say that an unregulated free market helps everyone. However, while health insurance companies may give some people choice in their own health plans, it only extends to those who are able to afford it or the wealthy. Those who aren’t rich may be compelled to choose a different plan which doesn’t allow them good access to services as well as charges exorbitantly high premiums. Before Obamacare, many health insurance companies dropped sick people or denied sick people insurance due to preexisting conditions. Those insured would have to pick the providers from those the insurance company would cover and would accept your policy (this is still the case, by the way). Those with employee health insurance plans usually have to go with the option the employer provides and are usually one lay off away from losing it. Then there’s the lifetime and annual limits insurance companies would impose on people as well as charging women more than men. Not what I call consumer choice.

13. Nobody wants to get rid of Medicare and Tricare– Tricare and Medicare are single payer healthcare programs that provide services for people over 65 and military veterans. And though both may have their problems, we have to understand that they are very popular. Even people who don’t believe in universal healthcare would admit that government should take care of our veterans and elderly. In fact, many of Obamacare’s opponents might even be on them.

This pie chart from the Kaiser Family Foundation shows why some uninsured adults in America go without health insurance with not being able to afford it the main reason at 32%.

This pie chart from the Kaiser Family Foundation shows why some uninsured adults in America go without health insurance with not being able to afford it the main reason at 32%.

14. For-profit healthcare is discriminatory, costly, and unsustainable– we need to face that a for-profit health care not only costs Americans and the government billions, but also excludes a lot of Americans from accessing healthcare as well as makes it unaffordable for even those with insurance. The very fact that healthcare has become so expensive has led to most personal bankruptcies as well as is leading more companies to drop their employee healthcare plans. Furthermore, it’s also the main reason why it’s so hard to start a business and why small businesses have a hard time hiring workers. And while for-profit healthcare may have competition, it’s now the main reason for higher health prices because the insurance companies are focused on higher short term profits and administrative costs. Thus, for-profit healthcare is economically unsustainable.

15. Opposition to universal healthcare is mostly on ideological grounds– now while there is tremendous opposition against universal healthcare in the United States, it has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about the healthcare system nor how they feel about services like Medicare and Tricare. I did a poll once on the US healthcare system for my high school civics class and found out that even those who opposed universal healthcare were just as likely to be unsatisfied with the US healthcare system as those who supported it (this, back in 2008). People who oppose universal healthcare usually try to make the issue about social entitlements to the poor as well as an issue of free market capitalism, equating it with “socialized medicine,” and big government “nanny state.” However, if you ask whether the government should provide healthcare to our veterans and senior citizens, even the most hardened conservatives would find it difficult to say no. This is especially true if you consider the fact a lot of senior citizens and veterans make up the conservative base and watch Fox News. So most of the opposition against universal healthcare is strictly ideological.

16. Money driven medicine doesn’t equal good quality care-In the United States, the healthcare system is arranged in a “fee for service” model which doctors get paid for providing services regardless of treatment outcome. It’s not unusual in the United States for doctors to prescribe treatments to patients that could possibly do nothing or be harmful and could hurt their quality of life. We need to understand that what makes a good business model doesn’t always translate into the quality a business has to offer, especially if it pertains to a business that’s supposed to save lives. Sure the insurance company makes money from treatments but so do the drug companies, hospitals, as well as those who make medical instruments and devices. But the fact medical malpractice in America is so common that medical errors kill more Americans per year than car wrecks that it’s big business as well. The people who the healthcare industry makes the most money off of isn’t the richest patients, but the sickest ones, which is why many seniors suffer greatly as they approach the end of their lives. In fact, said that 30,000 Americans die due to “overtreatment” each year as well. Add to that Americans spend more on healthcare than anyone else in the world on a system that discriminates the poor, you can see why nobody in the United States is satisfied with the healthcare they receive.

17. Free market economics don’t lead to greater cost control and effectiveness– despite what many universal healthcare opponents, conservatives, and libertarians may say, free market economics doesn’t necessarily make goods and services any cheaper. Now the healthcare system is driven by two market forces known as demand and the need to make greater profits than the previous year. This is the main reason why healthcare prices increase in the first place. Despite the economic recession that took hold in 2008, health insurance companies increased their profits by 56% in 2009 alone while between 2000-2006 as workers’ wages increased 3.8%, healthcare premiums rose 87%. In 2009, the top 5 health insurance companies in America ended up with a combined profit of $12.2 billion with their executives receiving as much as $200 million in total compensation. While the healthcare system operates on profit motives and competition, we still have people uninsured and costs are out of control as we speak. So much for free market economics.

18. The ER and medical services designed to help the poor are no substitute for having a PCP– a common myth about healthcare in America cited by many universal healthcare opponents is that being uninsured doesn’t mean they can’t receive healthcare for they can go to the ER and that there are plenty of government and private medical practices helping the uninsured. Sure it may be illegal to turn away people from the ER but such care doesn’t provide adequate care to most serious conditions, especially if they were previously undiagnosed. If the uninsured are unable to pay for care in full (which is 2.5 times more than what people with insurance pay), they’re often turned away when they seek follow-up care for urgent medical conditions. Treating a chronic condition requires much more medical care than an Emergency Room visit and lack of follow-ups attributed to being uninsured can delay detection of certain cancers that lead to adverse outcomes. As for the medical providers who do treat the uninsured, how in the hell is an uninsured person supposed to find them? In the US, the term “non-profit hospital” is basically a joke. Besides, free and discounted health services aren’t a common thing. In the US, if you can’t afford a regular source of healthcare like a PCP, then you’re medically screwed.

A 2013 survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation show that 2/3 of Americans regardless of coverage status are worried about being unable to pay their medical bills in the event of a serious accident/illness. Even being insured doesn't provide that security from medical bill troubles.

A 2013 survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation show that 2/3 of Americans regardless of coverage status are worried about being unable to pay their medical bills in the event of a serious accident/illness. Even being insured doesn’t provide that security from medical bill troubles.

19. There’s nothing more stressful in America as unpaid medical bills-in the United States, being concerned with how much you’ll have to pay for medical treatments for serious illnesses, injuries, and/or childbirth isn’t an unusual thing, even if you have health insurance. Since uninsured patients are charged 2.5 times more for care than their insured counterparts, it’s particularly scary for them to think that they’re once serious illness away from death, disability, or financial ruin. Most uninsured usually postpone needed care because they’re simply not confident they could pay for it. 2004 statistics say that they’re over twice as likely to report problems paying medical bills and are almost 3 times as likely to be contacted by a collection agency about them. Even if you have insurance, there’s no guarantee that your coverage will cover the costs that your medical bills demand, even if you’re on an employee-based plan. The fact that more Americans are becoming, “underinsured” really shows that healthcare is becoming less affordable by the year. No sick person in America should worry about paying medical bills once they get better. Add to the fact that more personal bankruptcies in America are caused by medical bills.

A 2014 stat by Vox that says about 201,000 Americans are killed every year due to medical errors that most healthcare providers try to avoid.

A 2014 stat by Vox that says about 201,000 Americans are killed every year due to medical errors that most healthcare providers try to avoid.

20. Medical treatment is more focused on insurance procedures and malpractice liability– as a for-profit system insurance procedures and malpractice liability have a lot of influence on how doctors treat patients. Forbes has reported that 92% of clinicians admit to making some medical decisions based on avoiding lawsuits, as opposed to the best interests of their patients. Patients put a lot of trust in their doctors for a lot of understandable reasons. Most patients want to feel that doctors will think of their best interests and make recommendations to their well-being accordingly. In money driven medicine (a.k.a. for-profit healthcare), you can’t always be sure that caregivers and patients will decide what’s best for the patient’s health. Sometimes decisions are made due to insurance procedures and perhaps on avoiding malpractice lawsuits, which cost lots of money as well as could possibly lead to a doctor losing his or her medical license. Sometimes doctors suggests the treatment that would get the most money, not what the patient needs. In fact, much of the healthcare industry makes its money by having patients spend exorbitant amounts on tests and scans they don’t actually need. Regardless of what doctors think about universal healthcare, most would rather just treat people without having to worry about interference from the medical billing department or the insurance company.

A 2012 infographic from NPR shows that while 56% of Americans have health insurance through their employers, 1 in 3 Americans are in a family that has trouble paying medical bills. Let that sink in.

A 2012 infographic from NPR shows that while 56% of Americans have health insurance through their employers, 1 in 3 Americans are in a family that has trouble paying medical bills. Let that sink in.

21. Most Americans are unsatisfied with the US healthcare system– despite what many people on Fox News may tell you, even the most diehard opponents of Obamacare can admit that the US healthcare system isn’t the best in the world. There are tons of healthcare horror stories in America such as people being charged high bills for cancer treatment, people meeting untimely ends due to not having insurance or the insurance not paying for treatment, dying due to receiving too much treatment, being denied for a preexisting condition, and so much more. About all the documentaries on the US healthcare system I’ve seen, Michael Moore’s Sicko was about the easiest to watch while the Bill Moyers Journal feature of “Money Driven Medicine” during the Obamacare debates was about the hardest. Now these documentaries may have varying degrees of accuracy but there are many Americans have or know someone who’s been screwed the US healthcare system which may range from frustrating to downright devastating. While there may be great contention on whether to have universal healthcare or reform healthcare at all, most Americans can agree that the for-profit healthcare system right now simply isn’t working.

22. Even healthy people can develop serious problems that need treatment– another argument against universal healthcare is that it would make healthy people who take care of themselves pay for burden of those with unhealthy lifestyles. However, while a healthy lifestyle can add years to your life, it’s no guarantee that you’ll live a long and healthy life, which may have more to do with family history and environmental hazards neither of which people have control over. You might also get injured in an accident or get shot at, which also needs serious medical attention. And even some people’s unhealthy lifestyles might also have a lot to do with factors beyond their control like having to work more than one job, occupational hazards, living in a poor neighborhood without a grocery store, bad upbringing, poverty, inadequate education, genetics, and others. Also, there are plenty of children who have serious health conditions as well as disabilities that need medical attention. Should they be denied? Not to mention, seniors and veterans aren’t the healthiest individuals in American society, so should we not pay taxes for their healthcare? I know this may be a bit extreme but we need to understand that there are times when bad health has very little to do with bad lifestyle choices alone. We try not to let natural disasters ruin people’s lives. Why should healthcare be any different?

23. We pay more of a price for not treating people when they should be– I know plenty of people complain about the healthcare system and think that we’ll pay more if we let poor people receive adequate medical treatment. For the uninsured the only outlet of medical care is basically the ER and a visit there is much more expensive than a routine visit to the PCP. Yet, since most PCPs only take insured patients, most uninsured don’t have this option and will postpone necessary treatment for serious illnesses because they simply can’t afford it. As a result, uninsured patients are more likely to be admitted into the ER with an undiagnosed late stage illness than an insured person would. Since an uninsured patient will probably be turned down for follow up, he or she will likely end up readmitted into the Emergency Room multiple times until they die prematurely. The costs add up as well as passed to consumers and insurance companies to foot. People who see a regular care provider are more likely to have any serious illness detected in the early stages as well as be treated for it as soon as possible. When it comes to serious illnesses or injuries, having a regular care provider can result in fewer hospital stays as well as Emergency Room visits, which can save a lot of money in the long term. In addition, providing preventative care to all Americans also saves a lot of costs down the line as well.

24. Most Americans support universal healthcare-despite how vocal Obamacare opponents could get, two thirds of Americans support a universal healthcare system while 90% at least believe that our healthcare system should be reformed. While it’s seen as a mostly Democratic issue, it has support among health care officials, religious leaders, and other major organizations. So this is an issue with a large amount of popular support. The fact that the United States is one of the few industrialized countries without universal healthcare is more due to party politics, healthcare being a multi-billion dollar business, and special interest lobbying. Still, if that’s not a reason for universal healthcare, then I don’t know what is.

Graph on hospital openings and closures between 2000 to 2012. Of course, these numbers only pertain to those participating in Medicare. But then again, most US hospitals do anyway.

Graph on hospital openings and closures between 2000 to 2012. Of course, these numbers only pertain to those participating in Medicare. But then again, most US hospitals do anyway. Yet, while they still happen not that it was a much bigger problem before Obamacare as this graph shows.

25. High medical costs have led to hospitals being shut down and less services to access-Now  I know that hospitals are big players in the healthcare system. Yet, in recent years, the rise of healthcare costs and uninsured during the Bush years has led to a lot of medical establishments being shut down since they can’t measure up to their competitors or couldn’t get enough patients. This has not only created less available healthcare services, it’s also led to job loss and economically devastated communities, especially if it’s the establishment that keeps the town going. This results in people having to travel further for services and longer lines. A for-profit healthcare system may seem like a good business plan in theory, but it also gives hospitals more of an incentive to make profits, which shouldn’t be its main priority. This is why medical costs rise, which makes healthcare less affordable. When healthcare is less affordable, then hospitals receive less patients. This leads many hospitals into a financial loss and eventual shut down. What’s even worse is that many hospital shutdowns happen in the poorest communities with the sickest patients, which is a terrible shame. When there are less services, it’s another reason for high health care costs and more limited availability.

Willy Wonka and the Workplace Violations Report

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Recently we have received a number of complaints by visitors of the Golden Ticket Tour at Mr. Wonka’s confectionery factory. For personal reasons, all of the complainants have wished to remain anonymous. Mr. Wonka has a reputation for secrecy and no one has entered or left his factory in the last ten years, yet he continues to produce his confectionery products sold worldwide.  Mr. Wonka has been suspected for dubious business practices for quite some time and these complaints provide a unique insight in how Mr. Wonka runs his factory, which have been very useful in our investigation. It has come to our attention that he may be accused of possible workplace violations, using an illegal workforce, and misconduct to children, yet this needs to be studied further. Here is a violations that have been reported by the complainants from the Golden Ticket Tour and other anonymous individuals:

 

I. Health and Safety

1. Safety concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Chocolate river has no safety rail and leads to a grinding machine via pipes.

b. Chocolate river boat has no safety rail either which caused a visitor to fall in the chocolate river while trying to consume its contents.

c. Nut Sorting Room has a gaping hole in the middle which leads straight to a garbage incinerator.

d. Great Glass Elevator smashes through a room.

e. New equipment has resulted significant mishaps such as one growing too much hair required the assistance of a lawn mower, one being turned into giant blueberries, one floating off into space, and a number of them being shrunk to fit on a small screen.

f. TV Room has a teleporter that could shrink anything to an inch so they could fit on a screen.

g. Whenever such similar mishaps befell any of the visitors during the Golden Ticket Tour, witnesses testify that you discussed rather bizarre solutions as if they were standard safety procedures that included:

i. Being compressed through an unknown procedure in the Fudge Room to get unstuck from a pipe after falling into the Chocolate River which resulted in the visitor exiting the facility as extremely thin and/or perhaps covered in chocolate.

ii. After being transformed into a blueberry, one visitor was restored through a juicing process yet was left permanently purple and absurdly flexible.

iii. Two visitors almost faced certain death in a garbage incinerator after falling from a gaping hole in the Nut Sorting Room. Both emerged from facility covered in garbage.

iv. After being shrunk in the TV Room, one visitor was stretched by a taffy puller which resulted in leaving the facility 10 ft tall but almost paper thin.

h. Mr. Wonka is a known recluse and his factory designed as a maze of differing rooms, mazes, spaces, and experiences. Visitors from the Golden Ticket Tour reported that it was hard to know what was coming around the next corner and a lot of them had trouble finding the exit besides the front door afterwards.

2. Health concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Labor force was not seen in appropriate attire when handling any edible products according to one Golden Ticket Tour visitor who owns a factory of his own. He particularly noted seeing the workforce handle any edible products without wearing hairnets or gloves.

b. Same visitor also expressed doubts on whether the workers washed their hands or whether any of the facilities were regularly kept up to sanitary conditions.

c. Liquid chocolate was stored in a subterranean river system that left the substance at risk of exposure to contamination for a considerable length of time. Same goes for the other candy products in the Chocolate Room, which many of Golden Ticket Tour visitors touched with their bare hands. On the Golden Ticket Tour, Mr. Wonka took his visitors boat ride on the chocolate river in which one fell in while trying to consume its contents. It is not known whether Mr. Wonka ever ordered his workers to dispose of the chocolate.

 

II. Labor

1. Labor concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. One former employee who was at the factory during the Golden Ticket Tour testified that he spontaneously had his entire paying workforce laid off due to an issues in industrial espionage. Judging that the former employee was previously living in squalid conditions, saving up money from public assistance to buy his grandson a candy bar, and is cared for by of one of his children, it is highly unlikely any of Mr. Wonka’s former employees received compensation or worker’s pension. Though he has no bad feelings for Mr. Wonka and has now moved into the factory with his family since the Golden Ticket Tour, he still feels the need to acknowledge this since many of Mr. Wonka’s former employees still express bitterness over the situation.

b. Same former employee also said that after the layoff, Mr. Wonka had his paid workforce replaced by a large number of undocumented immigrants from some obscure Third World country that is not officially recognized status under the United States government and one even the geography teacher in the Golden Ticket Tour has never even heard of. It can be fair to say that none of them have any authorization to work in this country nor could provide any documentation.

c. Mr. Wonka has been reported to openly admit that he pays these undocumented employees in nothing but cacao beans. Yet, he says he does provide comfortable housing facilities for them, though we are not sure about their diets.

d. Though Mr. Wonka says his workers are happy at his factory, it is unknown whether he actually allows them to come and go as they please since there has never been anyone entering or exiting the facility in ten years. Then again, owing to his workers’ undocumented status, it does not appear they have much of a choice. Their strong fears about deportation should also be taken into account.

e. Mr. Wonka said that his current employees originate from a faraway place known as Loompaland, which was filled with carnivorous beasts who preyed on them. He says that these Oompa Loompas see him as some benefactor and that living and working in his factory for cacao beans is not much of a sacrifice to them. Yet, we only have his word for it since all they have been seen doing by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors consisted of producing candy, being test subjects in his experiments, drinking alcoholic beverages while on the job, and suddenly bursting into song and dance routines whenever there was a mishap involving four of the Golden Ticket recipients.

f. It has been witnessed that Mr. Wonka uses his workers to test for side effects in his confectionery, sometimes with severe and possibly fatal results though he does what he can to rescue them when such tests go awry.

g. Some have said that a few of the design ideas at Mr. Wonka’s factory have come from a few of his staff members themselves, though we are sure he usually takes the credit.

 

III. Food Safety

1. Judging by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors’ testimonies, we find the safety of some of Mr. Wonka’s products questionable to put on the market. These consist of:

a. Fizzy Lifting Drinks which are soft drinks that make people fly. Fortunately, they could descend through belching on this one despite that one Golden Ticket recipient and his grandfather were almost killed by a fan while on one of these.

b. Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum that turns its consumers into large blueberries once they get to dessert. Even if juiced, the victims remain purple forever and sometimes gain flexibility in their skeletal system.

c. Confectionery products being stored in unsanitary conditions and open for contamination.

d. Everlasting Gobstoppers which are said to never get smaller no matter how long someone sucks on them.

e. Ice cream that always stays cold and does not melt in the sun.

f. Staff handling confectionery without proper attire and possibly without observing basic hygiene.

g. Rainbow drops that people could suck and spit in six different colors.

h. Hair Toffee, a candy that causes excessive hair growth on both hair and chin (even on women). Major side effect for consumers includes having to use landscaping equipment to maintain their hair from then on.

i. Exploding Candy.

2. Mr. Wonka has yet to release a list of ingredients for many of his concoctions, many of which could contain harmful chemicals or pose dangerous side effects, particularly to children. If Mr. Wonka fails to cooperate with us, perhaps we can purchase some of these products for chemical analysis.

 

IV. Environment

1. We are not just concerned of what is in some of Mr. Wonka’s questionable products, but also whether he is using any chemicals or is properly disposing any excess waste transported out of his factory and the potential impact they may have in the surrounding community, particularly if it is a chewing gum that turns people into blueberries. We do know his factory has an incinerator but that is as much as we know about his facility’s waste disposal.

2. We are not sure what Mr. Wonka runs his machinery on or their environmental impact on the surrounding community. All we know is that he has perhaps the largest confectionery in the world which must consume a lot of energy and perhaps water. It is unknown whether Mr. Wonka has reverted to sustainable practices.

3. We suggest we test the water in the surrounding community to see whether  Mr. Wonka’s practices have any impact on public health.

 

V. Conduct with Minors

1. A while back, Mr. Wonka staged a contest to allow five lucky children into his factory by hiding five golden tickets in his chocolate bars.

2. During the Golden Ticket Tour four of the five children were involved in some dangerous situation whether it pertained to falling into a chocolate river and getting stuck in a pipe, getting turned into a blueberry while chewing an experimental gum, falling through a gaping hole that led to a garbage incinerator, and getting shrunk by a teleporter.

3. Despite what happened to these four children, Mr. Wonka has not issued an apology for the life changing trauma they went through at his factory. Rather he states that these children were spoiled brats who refused to listen to his warnings and have nobody but themselves to blame causing some to believe he steered them in to such trouble to scare them straight.

4. Mr. Wonka has also declined to give compensation to any of these four children and their families on account that he viewed their parents as indulging to their child’s every whim and should probably try being better parents. Has been known to politely discourage others from questioning him, including the parents. The parents have decided to sue for damages.

5. Apparently, Mr. Wonka seems to be either calm or amused to see children suffer under perilous conditions whether it is through a spectromatic boat tunnel that many of the Golden Ticket Tour visitors found rather scary or all the previous fates of four children he sees as “teaching a lesson” that boundaries should be respected.

 

VI. Mr. Wonka’s Character

1. In this investigation, we find Mr. Wonka as an enigmatic figure who has a problem with transparency, has more concern for his candy than human beings, and has no regard for industrial safety procedures whatsoever. He never thinks about what he put his former workers through or any impact he has upon the local community, the environment, or public health.

2. Mr. Wonka is a very rich man has not released his financial records for several years and it is unknown whether he actually pays taxes. He also has yet to disclose the names of those who supply him with raw materials or whether he pays them. Given his reputation as a one of the richest recluses in the world, Mr. Wonka fails to realize that transparency is the rule when running an industrial establishment.

3. Mr. Wonka fails to understand that to run an industrial workplace, particularly a confectionery, maintaining a clean and safe workplace are top priorities. While it is perfectly fine for Mr. Wonka to design his workplace as a creative playground, health and safety in the workplace should always come first whether that means having guard rails, having workers wash their hands and cover their hair, and making the facility easily navigable for workers and visitors. Mr. Wonka has ignored these.

4. Mr. Wonka also does not seem to understand that all food items should be stored in sanitary conditions and free from contamination. This means that all of his confectionery ingredients should be stored in sealed containers and not exposed to the open air. Who knows what the contents in the Chocolate Room have been exposed to.

5. Mr. Wonka does not see anything wrong with child endangerment whether it pertains to his products and factory equipment. In fact, he sees nothing wrong with releasing certain products that contain potentially harmful chemicals.

6. One visitor remarked that he mentioned the word “snozzberry” during a stop pertaining to flavored wall paper. The only definition our investigation managed to find for this word was a British slang term for penis.

7. Mr. Wonka does not see any reason to have his factory or policies structured to meet confectionery regulations.

 

VII. Response

1. That in evaluating these complaints from the Golden Ticket visitors and others, we continue our thorough investigation into Mr. Wonka’s activities by inspecting the facilities in question to determine whether there is any truth behind their complaints. If their testimonies prove accurate than it is with all due respect that we give time for Mr. Wonka to meet regulations or else face criminal charges for health and safety violations, food safety violations, workplace misconduct, hiring an undocumented workforce, environmental damage, lack of transparency, and child endangerment.

2. But first it would best to notify Mr. Wonka of the charges he may be up against and our intended actions during the investigation as well as inform him on what he should do to avoid arrest. Yet, even if he does conform to workplace regulations, this does not mean he is immune to lawsuits and criminal prosecution. Also, note that he designated the lone unharmed Golden Ticket recipient as his heir who is ten years old. Thus, Mr. Wonka might have been expecting this.

How Medicine Works (According to the Movies)

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Okay, say what you want, but at least he’s a real doctor and in the movies.

As someone with family members in the medical field and as well being related to sports enthusiasts, I tend to know a little bit about medical workings more than I care to know. Not to mention, I know many people who use their health as a conversation piece which is seen as a safe but boring topic. For instance, if I want to know whether someone has health problems, I just want the person to cut to the chase and tell me in the simplest way possible. I don’t want jargon, full details, or anything disgusting or gross. However, as with the concept of guns, Hollywood’s take on medicine and health also doesn’t nearly stack up with reality and here I’ll compile a list why that is. Of course, I won’t list examples from fantasy and science fiction since most of their medicine either comes from the future or comprises of magic. And I won’t list details from horror movies either since there are no such thing as demon possession or vampirism.

1. You could survive tar and feathering without any permanent scars from the incident. (This is probably the most unrealistic thing in Little Big Man in which the townspeople tar and feather Dustin Hoffman. Still, his character survives the incident for 100 years, isn’t seen seeking any medical care, nor does he even have any scarring from the whole thing. In real life, Hoffman’s character wouldn’t have been so lucky. Being tarred and feathered was never a good or easy-to-overcome thing. Physical damage inflicted from the tar varied wildly depending on temperature. If relatively cool, the tar would cause mild irritations to the skin and the worst you could hope for was spending hours of scrubbing to clean off the skin {and remember this would mean on your entire body since you’d be forcibly stripped naked before they put the tar on you}. Sometimes removal would mean agitating the burns and ripping out hair {making a body wax seem like a picnic}. Near boiling {which would be more likely}, the tar could cause life-threatening burns {and will surely leave permanent scars}. And if the tar wasn’t the worst of it, you can suffer fairly serious injuries from being forced to straddle the rail coming from a splintery wooden fence. Still, though tarring and feathering is usually played comically in westerns, what it did to those subject to this treatment is nothing to be laughed at. I mean, everyone would remember what was done to you.)

2. No matter how badly an action hero is injured, he will never end up with permanent and visible scars. (Whereas a real life football player with milder injuries could possibly be out for the rest of the season.)

3. A young woman with terminal illness will grow more beautiful as death approaches. (I’m sorry but dying from a terminal illness doesn’t work that way. I mean just surviving from a near-fatal illness doesn’t really do much for you in the looks department. At best, you’ll probably look like a survivor from a Nazi concentration camp, may need to rely on pain killers, and will soon lose your ability to perform the most basic functions like swallowing. You may even be in a coma on life support surrounded by family members wanting to pull the plug. And if you’re suffering from a fatal illness before the 20th century, well, let’s not go there.)

4. Unprotected sex is perfectly safe and won’t lead to pregnancy as long as the encounter has little to do with the plot. (Seriously, with the kind of sexual lifestyle James Bond has, he’s got to have at least a paternity suit or an STD by now. Of course, he may be using protection off-screen or has had a vasectomy but there’s no way of knowing. Even so, contraceptives aren’t 100% effective. Still, Kirk and Indy each have at least one known child, but seem STD clean otherwise. Then again, Kirk is from the future so this doesn’t apply to him.)

5. Albinos have red eyes and are perfectly capable to shoot at a far distance and drive at night. (Sorry, Dan Brown, but most albinos have blue or slate gray eyes which may appear red tinged. Not to mention, most albinos have very poor vision and are often legally blind. In fact, vision impairment is the main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism. So there’s probably no such thing as an albino assassin.)

6. People who suffer from a constant cough will soon die from the disease that causes it with a short period of time. (Kind of depends on the disease and the time period. Constant coughing isn’t really a big medical issue unless if leads to spitting out blood most of the time. Other than that the most serious diseases I can think of involving this symptom would be TB, whooping cough, or pneumonia. Still, if you have a coughing fit and seem perfectly healthy, you probably have the common cold, the flu, or bronchitis. As with TB sufferers in the 19th century, it may kill you but you’ll survive for a number of years, if it does. If it kills you much quicker, you probably had either pneumonia or lung cancer {and for much of the 19th century, all serious lung diseases were diagnosed as tuberculosis so as how many people actually died from TB is anyone’s guess though it was incurable and contagious}.)

7. An antidote or vaccine will instantly cure a disease with no ill effects. (Actually a vaccine isn’t going to help you fight an illness if you already have it most of the time. A vaccine is a preventive measure used to train your immune system to fight a certain pathogen so if the real thing comes along, they’ll be able squelch it before it gets the chance to infect. Of course, the rabies vaccine may be an exception. As with antidotes, though they may reverse some effects of a poison but not all. And they may not save your life. Nevertheless, they need to be taken as early as possible or before the body sustains so much damage that death is inevitable. Also, tends to be rather expensive. Sometimes there may not even be an antidote if you have a certain kind of poison in your system.)

8. Radiation exposure can give you superpowers. (What it actually gives you are radiation sickness, radiation poisoning, possible congenital mutations to pass to your kids {that may lead to birth defects}, and/or cancer. Many people who worked at nuclear facilities have serious health issues and don’t live too long. Of course, super powerology isn’t based on actual science but you get the idea radiation exposure is no fun at all.)

9. Alternative medicine and herbal remedies can help you just as much as traditional medicine could. (Well, not exactly. Of course, there are some medicinal herbs but they don’t always work 100% of the time. Also, they can carry their share of side-effects just like any other drugs sometimes serious or fatal. Still, you might want to consult your doctor on this one. And if you have no idea of what herb it is or what it does to you, don’t consume it.)

10. Being attacked in the nuts or castration can result in a dramatic voice change from tenor to soprano in males. (Actually while a groin injury can be very painful in men and boys, it will not result in a dramatic voice change, though it might impair reproductive capabilities. As with castration, it depends on the age of the man but it doesn’t change a guy’s voice. Talk to any war veteran who’s had his junk shot off in battle. Chances are they sound as much the same as before. Besides, most of your castrati opera singers during the 17th-18th centuries were castrated before puberty in order to retain their voices. Vocal chords just don’t shrink, boys, so you don’t have to worry about that.)

11. Potassium cyanide kills in seconds. (It takes effect after a few minutes and can be a messy affair involving strong seizures before it kills you through massive apnea and cardiac failure.)

12. Good drugs have no side-effects. (All medicines do, some worse than others. For God’s sake, have you’ve ever seen any pharmaceutical ads? Some of those side-effects just make me not want to take the drug.)

13. All drugs and poisons take effect upon consumption. (It usually takes time for the effect to be felt due to having to travel through the body. Also, matter of of how the drug is taken is a factor. Still, if you take something which doesn’t take effect right away, don’t take another dose whatsoever.)

14. Smoking marijuana can cause you to go into a blind killer rage. (Obviously, even Hollywood doesn’t believe this Reefer Madness nonsense but it probably won’t turn you into a peace loving hippie either. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

15. It’s easy to retain good physical shape regardless of diet and exercise. (Sure they may be in great physical shape but they’re actors with nutritionists and personal trainers. Thus, diet and exercise are very much a factor.)

16. Truth serum can make someone incapable of lying and will always give you complete and accurate information. (Sure it may cause hallucinations, never to shut up, or reduced inhibitions but it won’t make anyone less capable of lying. Using truth serum is a human and civil rights issue and any statements obtained in this manner are inadmissible in court. Thus, they’re more useless than lie detectors.)

17. A person can be revived after a few minutes of CPR and will later have a full recovery. (CPR rarely results in a full recovery since it’s performed when a person has less than a 10% chance of recovery at all. Also, it doesn’t take a few minutes and you shouldn’t give up until either the person starts breathing on their own or when the EMTs arrive. Not to mention, it’s expected for the ribs to break during CPR, which is never seen in film. The victim can also throw up and mouth-to-mouth isn’t even recommended.Still, you might want to call 911 first since CPR has a 2% survival rate on its own.)

18. If CPR fails, then it’s perfectly fine to start striking a patient in the chest in order to restart his or her heart. (It’s called a precordial thump and should be delivered by an expert in a life-threatening rhythm and only attempted once. Also, it should precede CPR and only works for a very short time period {but not in every attempt}.)

19. A proficient swimmer can save a person from drowning by jumping into the water or throwing the victim a buoy. (Only try to save a person from drowning if and only if there are no professional lifeguards around. Not to mention, lifeguards are instructed never to jump into the water or throw the buoy to the victim {but past them}, especially if that person has a possible spinal injury.)

20. When someone has a nosebleed, always put their head back. (You actually risk making them choke or puke from swallowing their own blood. Better to make them lie down if possible {well, it works form me whenever I had nosebleeds as a kid}.)

21. The first thing to do when someone has a foreign object in their bodies is try to remove it as soon as possible. (The object is serving as a plug on the wound and pulling it could kills someone in minutes. Best it should be removed by professionals where infections can be fought off by antibiotics. Also, some people live with bullets for years without any problems like Andrew Jackson.)

22. When someone has hypothermia, it’s best to throw them in hot water. (This would cause a person’s core temperature to shoot up, inviting the colder fluid and extremities in making the person even colder or worse, mess up their heart. Still, a person suffering hypothermia should get warmed up through a warm bath and only if they can get in unassisted. A person suffering from more severe hypothermia should be rushed to the hospital.)

23. Using a an article of clothing as a makeshift tourniquet for a gunshot wound can help stop the bleeding. (This is a very bad idea since the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood and cause other problems when real help arrives. If left on a limb too long can result in it becoming necrotic and falling off. Only should be done if pressure around the wound isn’t working.)

24. Giving birth only takes a few minutes with the baby looking dry and clean as well as little to no mess. Not to mention, the mother is perfectly fine. (Pregnant women can be in labor for hours as well as so exhausting that the mother is either drenched in sweat and red in the face due to exertion as well as passed out due to the pain or pain medicine. Also, it’s a very messy affair complete with amniotic fluids, blood, fecal matter, tearing the placenta, and other bits and fluids. Not to mention, the babies come out covered in bodily fluids and have noticeably deformed heads. Of course, since I have a lot younger cousins, I can say that a cleaned up two day old baby looks much cuter than many other newborn animals. Most of the “newborns” you see on film are usually about 3 months old mostly due to younger babies being more susceptible infections.)

25. You should always try to remove the bullet when someone is shot as well as requires simple tools and little expertise. (Pulling a bullet out is the last thing you want to do for a shooting victim. Even surgeons frequently leave them in while repairing the damage. Still, bullets are mostly harmless when they stop moving and it’s best to remove them after the immediate trauma has already healed. Of course, there are exceptions in which a bullet has a chance to explode or has a part of clothing in the wound which could cause infection.)

26. Anyone can perform a tracheotomy. (No one without an MD should ever attempt this.)

27. Antibiotics can instantly cure any kind of illness. (They are only effective against those caused by bacteria and only if that particular strain is sensitive to that prescribed antibiotic. Still, there are drugs that fight viruses, parasites, and fungus.)

28. A defibrillator will restart a patient’s heart from cardiac arrest, usually when you try the second time. (While it will help improve survival ratios for cardiac arrests, there’s a specific time window in which shock must be applied. If not applied within 4 minutes of onset, odds of successful conversion drop drastically. Also, odds of successful conversion go down the more shock a patient requires. Not to mention, a defibrillator doesn’t restart the heart but stops a dysfunctional heart rhythm in hope that heart’s mechanisms can restore an effective rhythm. A first responder will do this alongside CPR. Modern defibrillators are rubbed together to spread a conductive gel on them, not building up a charge. They also have one-use adhesive pads and don’t make that KACUNK! noise like older models did. And they don’t make the patient jump several inches off the floor.)

29. In case a defibrillator is absent, hooking up a person to a main power source will give the same results. (No it won’t! This is a horrible idea! Doing this is a good way to induce the conditions that need defibrillation so don’t try this. However, if you wish the afflicted person dead anyway, then I’m sure this technique will give them a great sendoff to the choir invisible.)

30. Everyone knows their blood type. (Only those who give blood do and  it’s not a big population. Heck, I don’t even know my own blood type.)

31. Anyone experiencing a fatal illness will exhibit mild symptoms at first only to have the disease get progressively worse after the diagnosis. (Usually by the time one is diagnosed with a fatal disease, the symptoms have progressed enough to be serious. Most people usually try to wait out mild and nondescript symptoms.)

32. Nothing wrong can come from yanking the I.V. once you wake up from a coma. (Yanking the I.V. will put the wound at risk for infection.)

33. If your friend is poisoned by a snake bite, you should always suck out the venom from the puncture wounds. (Don’t ever do this! For one, sucking could cause further infection on the wound, transfer the risk of poison from the victim to yourself, and will only make the wound swell which require another incision increasing bleeding (raising everyone’s risk of infection), an may result in the poison entering the bloodstream faster. Also, people survive the vast majority of venomous snake bites even without treatment. Still, if someone is bitten by a venomous snake bite just try to keep the person calm and prevent them from moving and arrange for them to be transported to a hospital. Sucking the poison can get you both killed on this one.)

34. Sedation only takes a few seconds to knock you out. (It depends on the type of sedation drug which can usually take from a few seconds to a few minutes or even several hours. Dosage is also a factor.)

35. You can knock out a person with a simple blow to a head. (It’s the least reliable way to make someone unconscious. Yet, if you successfully do knock someone out with a blow to the head, you might be in trouble. A blow to the head that causes unconsciousness is also severe enough to cause a skull fracture, concussion, intracranial bleeding, permanent cognitive impairment, amnesia, blindness, personality, change, and even death. Usually lasts for a few seconds but unconsciousness lasting for than a minute usually indicates brain damage which will take months and not years to recover and the injured person will likely have permanent impairment. And if a blow to the head doesn’t make the person unconscious, it will certainly make them very, very angry. Don’t do this! Please remember this is why professional sports has a major issue with head injuries and why people should wear helmets.)

36. You can travel an exotic location, eat the food, drink the water, and not have to spend a long time in the bathroom. (Depends on where you travel. This might apply to Europe and other developed nations, but if you’re in Latin America, Africa, the Middle East, or some other Second or Third World dump, chances are that trying the local cuisine and drinking from the local water supply might result in spending countless hours of your trip on the toilet.)

37. Spending considerable time near the equator or other exotic locations won’t result in you spending some time in bed with a tropical disease. (Seriously, I have no idea why Indiana Jones doesn’t come down with anything. I mean he’s an archaeologist living in the 1930s so it’s not like he’s went through inoculations prior to every trip. For God’s sake, he has to have least gotten a case of malaria from a mosquito bite.)

38. All epileptics suffer from violent convulsions when having a seizure. (There are many different types of seizures that have symptoms ranging from losing consciousness and staring into space for a few seconds, losing control of a limb while maintaining consciousness, to full-blow writhing at the ground, and everything in between.)

39. Seizures are set off by flashing images. (Actually this is called photosensitive epilepsy which consist of 10% of all epileptic cases).

40. All heart attacks start with a shooting, radiating pain later resulting the person to stagger in pain while clutching his chest with face turning bright red before dropping like a stone to the floor unconscious and probably dead. (Heart attacks vary in nature which can range from this to ones you don’t realize you’ve had until an ECG years later discovers the damage left behind. Symptoms can range from fainting, puking, and collapse while a massive heart attack can make the sufferer think he’s about to have a bout with diarrhea, one reason why so many die on the toilet.)