Tag Archives: comic books

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: ACME Superhero Insurance

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

images

Are you a superpowered or heavily equipped costumed vigilante who spends considerable amounts of time battling equally powerful bad guys who want to wreak mortal peril and havoc on the general public just for the heck of it?  While using your God given superpowers to save mankind, do you find yourself having to plow through buildings, demolishing half of a metropolitan area, or killing countless innocent civilians, having to temporarily “borrow” somethings you’ll probably forget about later, or jaywalking? Has your heroic antics led to rising costs of living in the city, potential lawsuits, and the lack of respect from your human beneficiaries due to causing collateral damage and the fact the villains usually keep coming back to fight another day?

Yes, we know that there are infamous supervillains roaming around the DC and Marvel as well other comic universes that can’t be stopped by your friendly neighborhood law enforcement agencies. Face it, a supervillain is just too powerful for local police to stop which is where superheroes like you come in to save the day. After all, if it wasn’t for you to stop the bad guy with your kick ass techno gadgets or God given superpowers, then whole cities would be destroyed and countless of civilians could be enslaved or dead. Perhaps the supervillain is planning some kind of apocalypse that needs to be thwarted or it could be the end of the world as we know it.

As everyone knows in the Marvel and DC as well as other comic book universes, extensive collateral damage is an endemic unfortunate side effect of practically every time superheroes and supervillains confront each other. Large parts of cities are leveled, countless buildings are smashed and destroyed, and weapons are fired in every direction potentially hitting innocent people. Oh, and there are explosions. Lots of explosions. Sure you’ve saved the day and everyone’s grateful enough to give you a ticker tape parade in your heroic efforts. Yet, after the celebrations die down, people aren’t going to be too happy with you since your efforts in making the world a safer place has its share of unfortunate consequences for your human beneficiaries. Superhero battles can cost civilians not just their lives, but also their homes, jobs, loved ones, property values, businesses, money, and other things, which could potentially lead you to be subject to class action lawsuits, criminal charges in property damage that could land you for years in a maximum security federal prison, accusations of terrorism, public disgrace, and other unfortunate outcomes that you probably can’t afford with your day job salary.

Sure you may have a secret identity to shield you from the unfortunate consequences of your vigilantism. Of course, you may also have a secret identity for reasons like wanting a normal life away from your superhero activities, wishing to protect your loved ones against enemy retaliation, desiring privacy from the celebrity limelight associated with caped crusaders, or because your insurance policy doesn’t have a superhero clause. However, what most superheroes don’t understand that having a secret identity isn’t 100% effective. While trying to protect that secret identity, superheroes are often place in the worst kind of situations that threaten to expose it. Besides, everyone is going to figure out who you are eventually. There must be someone at The Daily Planet who’d figure out why Clark Kent bears an uncanny resemblance to Superman, often cuts work during an alien invasion with last recorded sightings at phone booths, and never shows up during Superman appearances. Not to mention, there must’ve been some time when Dr. Bruce Banner lost his temper in public which would lead him to making a scene as the Incredible Hulk only to proceed in smashing everything in the process. Of course, someone is bound to find why Peter Parker’s girlfriend is kidnapped by some mad scientist supervillian, he’s bound to certainly know. And the city of Gotham will certainly have to figure out that Batman is never going to save the day while some supervillain is holding local millionaire Bruce Wayne hostage for a significant amount of time.

Here at ACME Superhero Insurance, we specialize in taking care of all your superhero needs at a reasonable price whenever your battle with a powerful supervillain or aliens results in extensive collateral damage. We’ll cover the costs of cleanup and repairs as well as the presumably generous settlements for those who want to sue your spandex ass as well as prosecutors who want to indict you for the countless civilian deaths you caused. Yes, we’ll make sure these lawyers manage to get you off on the Good Samaritan laws because hundreds of casualties in New York are a small price to pay when it comes to saving the world from possible global annihilation. We’ll recommend to you a list of lawyers who would be happy to tend to your legal needs in case you’re either sued or indicted on damages. We also have our special team of operators and agents standing by 24/7 for any questions you may ask such as: How do I deal with surviving family members who want to see me in jail for accidentally shooting their loved one on the street? How can I afford your insurance policy on my photographer’s salary? How much do I pay Damage Control for cleanups and repairs? How do I control my anger so I don’t have to turn into a green angry monster smashing everything to hell and back? We at ACME Superhero Insurance provide you with all this at an affordable price that’s accommodating to your finances because we all know that the average superhero isn’t some billionaire playboy with some big industrial corporation he inherited from his father.

For years ACME Superhero Insurance has has striven to provide exceptional service for so many caped vigilantes like you out there so you wouldn’t have to face the legal and financial consequences of your actions. We understand that superheroes like you make valuable contributions to humanity and try to live as upstanding citizens in a community. We know that you wish to use your talents and/or gadgets for public service in this world and you would eagerly defend it against imminent threat of supervillains, aliens, nukes, exceptionally unstable criminals, mad scientists, doomsday machines, and you name it. We know that there are negative repercussions in the business of saving the world but that doesn’t mean that you should be impeded by the  legal and financial consequences that might ruin your life. Because of our policy to provide quality affordable insurance coverage to superheroes across the nation in all comic book universes, we have become one of the most trusted names in the business with countless satisfied customers. Take a look at some of their testimonies:

“After saving the day by defeating General Zod in an epic battle with my super strength, I was soon labeled a terrorist by the US government for wiping out half of Metropolis and 87% of Smallville that amounted to $2 trillion in damages as well as countless casualties. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I was able to get off on Good Samaritan laws and avoid a life sentence at a federal maximum security prison.”-Superman

“Hulk rely on ACME Superhero Insurance whenever Hulk angry! Hulk  get into violent fights a lot and smash lots of things! Most people Hulk beat up deserve beat up or annoy Hulk! Hulk not actually look for trouble but world cause lots of trouble for Hulk! Make Hulk Angry! ACME Superhero Insurance cover Hulk good for collateral damages always there when Hulk need out of trouble smashing can’t solve! GRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” – The Incredible Hulk

“With college and my work as a news photographer, I usually don’t have enough money to pay for some basic necessities, let alone the money to pay Damage Control to clean up after me or to all those families who lost loved ones while I was trying to save the city from some of the most dangerous guys out there. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I don’t have to worry about breaking the bank when I have to face Dr. Octopus.” – Spiderman

“As a vigilante man, I kill a lot of criminals in the most brutal and sometimes imaginative ways possible since finding and executing them is my greatest passion in life after my family was killed in a Mafia crossfire. Yet, there probably have been times when I accidentally shot the occasional innocent bystander. ACME Superhero Insurance allows me to pursue that passion and is always there whenever I need to get out of some legal problem, usually relating to murder. Apparently my one-man war on crime is illegal under US law so ACME Superhero Insurance always helped me with finding a lawyer who’d help me get off on self-defense or temporary insanity.” -The Punisher

“Since I’m well aware that many mutants have powers that can destroy whole cities, I always recommend ACME Superhero Insurance for my students and the X-Men.” – Professor Charles Francis Xavier

*All applicants must have experience in superhero activities prior to signing with ACME Superhero Insurance. Also, premiums are based on income and destructive potential and are subject to drastically change since many of our customers tend to rack up damages costing in gazillions of dollars. ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t cover crimes and damages for the customer’s time under his or her secret identity. Also, ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t protect against secret identity and wardrobe malfunctions since we specialize in the legal and financial consequences of superhero actions.

Why You Shouldn’t Date a Superhero

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

superman lois lane matrimonio

Ah, superheroes, those crime-fighting vigilantes we all know and love who will always save the day using their powers, brains, or generous assets for the good of humanity. Sure these may be swell people who kids look up to and are loved by generations. And of course, they may seem to be the kind of people anyone would want to hook up with. Still, as I see it, I strongly think that superheroes should just stick with their own kind or super villains.= since it just makes things easier for them as well as with us. With mere mortals, it just gets too complicated. Though there have been few exceptions in relationships between superheroes and normal people, I wouldn’t take those kinds of chances. And here are many reasons why:

1. Expect your date to suddenly disappear during your time out with no explanation why. (Of course, your superhero date will be in secret identity mode during your date but still, he or she won’t tell you the truth because it would give his or her secret away.)

2. Dating a superhero will dramatically increase your chances of encountering life-threatening situations orchestrated by the super villain. (Sure you may be saved by your superhero in the end but there’s a good chance you may end up like Gwen Stacy. Still, if you’re kidnapped by a super villain and aren’t in any job relating to science, business, or government, you should know that you’re dating a superhero. I mean, if you weren’t, the super villain would obviously have no interest in you. Since many superheroes have played some role in a super villain origins so well, there’s a chance they may know your superhero’s secret identity and personal life. And if he’s Peter Parker, almost every one of his major adversaries will know him personally. Not to mention, your chances of being in danger don’t decrease after breaking up with that superhero as in Rachel Dawes’ case. Nevertheless, no one wants to worry about being in life-threatening situations all the time.)

3. There’s a good chance you might be exposed to some radiation upon contact. (Many superheroes in the Marvel Universe got their powers this way like The Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Daredevil, The Incredible Hulk, some of the X-Men {well, before birth or conception}, and others. Of course, they were created during the Atomic Age when nuclear power was glorified and feared. Still, you should know what pro-longed exposure to radiation could give you, like cancer.)

4. There’s a good chance you may have kids with super powers if you and your superhero significant other have any sex. (Of course, there are some superheroes who don’t have superpowers but most of them do for some reason. Yet, for those who have them due to either radiation or genetics, they will very likely pass them to their kids. As difficult as raising kids are, you will have a much easier time raising a kid with special needs than a child with any kind of superpowers. At least raising a special needs kid will not result in your house being destroyed. Seriously, you don’t want kids with superpowers. Non-powered children between superheroes and a normal person are usually more the exception than the rule.)

5. If male, expect your superhero significant other to hold off popping the question or not even propose in the first place. If female, expect your superhero significant other to say no if you ever try to ask her to marry you. (Most superheroes may have committed long term relationships with their significant other, but most of them won’t end with marriage since this step usually involves having the normal person exposed to more danger as well as having to divulge his or her secret identity.)

6. A superhero significant other will not tell you why he or she may randomly cancel and break dates, that you’ll have a great chance of being kidnapped by a super villain or possibly killed, and why does the superhero featured in the papers looks suspiciously like him or her. (For Lois Lane, it should be obvious that Clark Kent is Superman. I mean glasses isn’t much of a disguise and Superman never wears a mask. Also, anyone who’s been in a heated argument with Bruce Banner should know he’s The Incredible Hulk.)

7. You could have the potential to unleash your superhero significant other’s powers if you aren’t too careful. And there may be consequences you wouldn’t expect or perhaps pay for. (Note to anyone in a relationship with The Incredible Hulk. One blow up from him could mean the end of your house as you know it.)

8. Popular Superhero Day Jobs: reporter, student, socialite, police/rescue worker, private eye, attorney, scientist, career superhero (if not using a secret identity), or just a freelance bum. (Not really jobs with people having good relationships are they? Also, if he or she’s rich, then he or she may be screwing around.)

9. There’s a high chance he or she may have had something terrible happen to him or her during his or her childhood. (I mean things like seeing parents getting killed, seeing uncle getting killed, losing parents as a child, losing parents as an infant and getting transplanted to a different planet, oh, well, you know stuff that can put one through years of therapy. I wonder what Batman’s therapist has to deal with if the Dark Knight even has one. His therapist might end up having depression after dealing with him. Of course, Batman’s issues go beyond childhood.)

10. Your superhero significant other may have many unresolved issues as an adults. (And I mean like failed relationships, boyfriends/girlfriends dying on them, getting dumped by a childhood sweetheart for a future super villain and later getting blown up, dating adversaries, having a secret identity, losing a child, having a tendency to take in teenagers as wards and assistants, destructive anger issues, split personality disorder, and the list goes on.)

11. If female, may have a tendency to be mistaken for a stripper when in their superhero mode. (Many super heroines tend to have very skimpy outfits that look like something a stripper might wear.)

12. If your marry your superhero significant other and if he or she is a career superhero, you might want to get a pre-nup since there’s a chance he or she may be sued for inflicting collateral damage. (And superheroes are very guilty of this so maybe having a secret identity is understandable for some of them. Of course, Batman and Iron Man don’t need to worry about lawsuits since they’re both extravagantly rich. Spiderman and Superman on the other hand…)

13. Your superhero significant other may have a tendency to show up all beat up with no explanation after mysteriously disappearing. (I wonder how many times this has happened to Batman on a date. Yet, some of them don’t really show scars like Wolverine.)

14. Your superhero significant other will be no help around the house or be a good parent to any kids you may have. (This may be due to secret identity, strength and function of powers, tendency to spend loads of time in the basement, getting into fights, or fighting evil. Of course, with the Incredible Hulk, you might find yourselves constantly moving to a new place almost after every argument. Still, at least Batman has Alfred and has teenage wards who assist him like Robin but he will never let you in his Bat Cave. Also, superhero kids don’t have very nice lives.)

15. You may not get to have sex due to your superhero’s significant other’s superpowers. (If you touch Rogue, you’d be dead. I mean she can never ever have sex with anyone who isn’t immortal and indestructible.)

16. If he or she doesn’t have a secret identity, you will have to deal with his or her celebrity status including fans, groupies, tabloids, and comic conventions. (Granted most of them come from comic books. Then you might have to deal with the same flack with dating Batman since Bruce Wayne is also quite famous. Also, do you want to be known for dating a superhero?)

17. You may have the tendency to be in a two-person love triangle. (Meaning you may like the superhero but not like the person behind the mask and vice versa.Of course, this could be a problem as we know with Superman’s relationship issues.)