What Makes an Oscar Winner?

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 2, 2014

The Academy Awards are upon us this year so in this post we’ll examine the films which usually win Oscars and the one’s that don’t. While the Academy Awards are designed to award the best of the best, sometimes this is not true and there have been years when that gold statuette went to someone far less deserving of the prize. Sometimes the reason is obvious and sometimes it’s not. So without further adieu, here is a little cheat sheet to figure which movies win Oscars and which ones don’t regarding to all the major categories everyone cares about.

Best Picture:

1. Genres that usually don’t nominated in this category: comedy, science fiction, animation, westerns, action, suspense thrillers, popular franchise, and fantasy.

2. Genres that usually get Oscar nods but may not win: independent produced dramadies (may get one for screenplay), biopics, musicals

3. Genres that do get the Best Picture Oscar: dramas, war movies, epics, historical fiction, and period pieces

4. Oscar Best Picture winners are usually big budget films and are produced by major studios.

5. Oscar Best Picture winners are usually rated either PG-13 or R.

6. Oscar Best Picture winners usually have a following and do well at the box office. (They may not be box office blockbusters but they usually do earn a profit and are relatively popular.)

7. Oscar Best Picture winners usually receive warm receptions from critics. (Of course, this is a no brainer.)

8. Oscar Best Picture winners usually have one A-list star in them or a famous director behind the camera.

9. If an Oscar nominated film has someone embroiled with scandal, it will not win.

10. An Oscar Best Picture winner should cater to at least white middle aged males.

Best Director:

1. Those who win Best Director are usually white, middle-aged, and male.

2. Winners of Best Director will usually have a film nominated for Best Picture which will usually win as well.

3. Best Director winners are usually people you may or may not have heard of yet certain directors seem to win more often than others.

Best Actor:

1. Winners are usually white and between the ages of 30 to 60.

2. Winners have a lifetime performance that will overshadow Leonardo DiCaprio, Richard Burton, or Peter O’Toole if they’re also nominated for this category.

3. Winners must be reasonably good-looking.

4. Winners are usually the protagonist in the film they’re nominated for.

Best Actress:

1. Winners are usually white and between the ages of 20 to 50.

2. Winners have lifetime performance that will overshadow Meryl Streep if she’s also nominated in that category.

3. Winners must be reasonably good looking (offscreen) and don’t always have to be the protagonist in the film they’re nominated for.

4. Role has to entail looking ugly or being in a terrible situation viewers will take pity for if the actress is the protagonist.

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Winners are usually older than the guy who wins Best Actor.

2. Winners are usually big name stars who may or may not have much recognition or character actors.

3. Winners are usually the uglier than their leading counterparts if they’re character actors.

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Winners are usually less conventionally attractive than the woman who wins Best Actress.

2. Winners are usually women who wouldn’t be playing leading rules due to some technicality.

3. Winners usually have the most talked about performance of the year in that category.

Best Animated Feature:

1. Winners are usually films you heard of and/or by Pixar.

Best Screenplay: (Original and Adapted)

1. Winners are usually films that are nominated for Best Picture as well as usually win.

2. If an indie film ever wins any Oscar, its usually in this category. The Best Picture winner usually does, too.

I could go on with other categories but most of them usually result in seeing people you really never heard of do their Oscar speeches. Oh, and some of the categories will feature films you didn’t even know existed but you will never see.

How to Survive a Film Noir

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 5, 2014

Around the 1940s and 1950s came a genre in which the lighting is low, the crime and violence are rife, and everyone is trying to use you or kill you. Oh, and the atmosphere is very pessimistic and everyone basically smokes or drinks and lives in the city. In short, you have film noir in which is part crime drama as well as thriller and emphasizes the cynical attitudes and motivations. Sometimes you even have a horror element since many villains tend to do really horrific things, but they’re mostly gangsters for hire. Still, you got plenty of dead bodies and shooting since, well, this is a pretty dark film genre and let’s just say, you’re going to need some guidance if you want to get out alive. And this is the place where I’m going to lay it you straight.

1. Keep it in your pants. (I can never stress this enough since a lot of trouble can be avoided this way. Then again, it also depends who you sleep with. Still, keeping it in your pants will not only save yourself but also the lives of those around you.)

2. If you’re a smart gentleman, stay away from gorgeous dames even if they’re your clients. (I don’t care how horny you are, if she’s out of your league, stay the hell away from her. Highly attractive women are nothing but trouble, especially if she’s married. There’s a reason why we call those dames, femme fatales.)

3. If you’re a woman, dress as plain or frumpy as possible. The more unattractive you look the better. (Film noir is one of the few genres where being an unattractive woman is actually an asset. Sure you may not get a lot of guys ogling at you but at least you’ll live for the most part. Unattractive men, not so much.)

4. Be in a happy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse, a healthy relationship with your family, stable finances, a squeaky clean record, and with no connections to law enforcement or an organized crime syndicate. (Many problems in film noir usually stem from bad relationships with spouses and family, money problems, criminal past, or connections to law enforcement or organized crime.)

5. Have a healthy relationship with your romantic partner based on reciprocated love as well as mutual trust and fidelity. (A relationship based on mutual lust {which most romantic relationships are in film noir}, is one-sided, unhealthy, or has at least one unfaithful partner, you’re chances of surviving are slim. Unhealthy relationships in film noir usually end very, very badly. And in unhappy film noir marriages, divorce is not really an option.)

6. Don’t shoot anyone unless you really have to like if someone is pointing a gun at you. (Committing first-degree murder will result in lower survival odds or the clink. Self-defense may not have much better odds.)

7. Occupations to avoid: private investigator, policeman, boxer, nightclub entertainer, gangster, bar tender, waiter, nightclub owner, drifter, con artist, insurance agent, writer, journalist, musician, gambler, pawnbroker, restauranteur, socialite, heiress, and trophy wife.

8. Remember, don’t put a lot of trust in other people, especially strangers. Rather don’t trust anybody until their true character alignment is known. (For even those you trust can easily stab you in the back both figuratively and literally.)

9. If you’re a man, stay away from seemingly wholesome mysterious women who may need your help. (They have something to hide and aren’t really so wholesome once you get to know them. And they’re certainly not helpless either.)

10. Avoid nightclubs, warehouses, bars, gambling dens, and juke joints. (They may be run by an organized crime syndicate and are dens of nothing but trouble. That or the bad guys just hang out there, but you still might want to avoid them.)

11. Don’t be a henchman. (It’s film noir’s equivalent to a redshirt since they may have to take it from both sides. Not only do they have to worry about being killed by the good guy but the bad guy may have them take the fall or for other purposes.)

12. If you’re falsely accused of a crime, get away as far as you can and don’t expect justice to prevail. (Because sometimes it doesn’t and you may end up getting killed eventually.)

13. Don’t plan to kill anyone. (Because if you follow through with it, your days will be numbered. And let’s just say, you may be subject to the death penalty. Still, one way or another, it will catch up with you.)

14. If you have any information critical to the plot, tell the anti-hero or at least someone with a good character alignment. (Because you may simply be killed if you tell anyone else who may kill for it, even the cops. I mean you can’t trust anyone in film noir.)

15. Don’t do any job for a large sum of money. (You won’t have any opportunity to spend it.)

16. If someone tells you to get out of town, just do it and don’t look back. (I don’t care what’s on your conscience or if you’re emotionally invested in something, just get the hell out of there because something bad will happen.)

17. It helps if you’re not only the protagonist but also the voice-over narrator. (Well, assuming that these sequences aren’t flashbacks.)

18. Always travel with a buddy and only during the day. (Because you’re more likely to get shot during nighttime and alone.)

19. Remember, you may be born with a clean slate but if you do anything bad to anyone or break the law, it will catch up to you. (And sometimes you may be killed over it or arrested. In film noir, the good guys will get you for breaking the law and hurting one of their own, while the bad guys will get you for just about any excuse.)

20. Don’t get involved in con games, heists, or organized crime. (It won’t end well.)

21. If you’re a guy, don’t get involved in schemes involving a beautiful unhappily married woman wanting to kill her husband in hopes of attaining some degree of material gain. (Because even if you succeed, you and the woman will eventually end up dead by the end.)

22. If you’re a male private investigator, if an attractive woman asks you for help or protection, turn her down. (People may die if you accept.)

23. Expect betrayal. (Especially if you’re low on the totem pole and don’t have a lot of lines.)

24. If you’re a drifter, if you’re just passing through some place, just pass through. (If you stay awhile, something bad will happen.)

25. Remember that the good guys aren’t really that good but the bad guys may be especially evil.

More Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 4, 2014

1. The Goodbye Girl: Forced Cohabitation Leads to Love

2. The Ox-Bow Incident: Vigilantism Is Not Heroism

3. Minority Report: Pre-Crime Is Not 100% Effective

4. Close Encounters with the Third Kind: UFO Enthusiasts Make Bad Husbands

5. Greenfingers: Gardening for Convicts

6. The Last of the Mohicans: Daniel Day-Lewis’ Nice Hair

7. All Quiet on the Western Front: Everybody Dies

8. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang: How I Stole $15 and Fucked Up My Life

9. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: Bette Davis Makes a Terrible Caregiver, Serving Rat and Canary to Disabled People, Extreme Sister Rivalry

10. My Fair Lady: Closeted Metrosexuals the Musical, Girls as Dolls the Musical

11. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Abduction Leads to Shotgun Weddings the Musical

12. A Big Hand for the Little Lady: Never Underestimate Women in Poker

13. Pocahontas: Disney Flunks American History

14. An American in Paris: Despite Its Perks, Highly Disappointing Musical

15. Lars and the Real Girl: Guys and Dolls the Non-Musical Literal Version

16. How to Steal a Million: How to Steal a Worthless Fake to Bail Out Your Dad

17. Leave Her to Heaven: Possessive Girlfriends Ruin Your Life

18. Judgement at Nuremberg: Love of Nation Does Not Justify the Means, Patriotism is No Excuse for Genocide

19. Hannah and Her Sisters: Woody Allen’s Hilarious Death Scare

20. In a Lonely Place: Humphrey Bogart Really Needs Anger Management, Anger Issues Can Create Serious Problems

21. The Barefoot Contessa: Impotence Leads to Crimes of Passion, Forced Sexless Marriage Kills

22. Joan of Arc: The Director’s Cut Is Much Better, Warrior Women Get Screwed

23. The Lost Weekend: Ray Milland Really Needs to Quit Drinking, Drinking and Writing Don’t Mix, Seriously, You Need Help, Man

24. The Birds: Swarming Attack Birds Don’t Shit, Seriously, Where’s All the Bird Poop?, Everything Must Be Covered in Bird Shit by the End

25. Titanic: Happy Old Woman Who’s Fondest Memory Is Having a Fleeting Romance with a Guy She Fucked in a Back of a Car on a Boat that Sunk

26. Tender Mercies: 1980s Crazy Heart, Sort of

27. The Days of Wine and Roses: Alcoholism Ruins Everything, Drinking Is Not Cool

28. Jurassic Park: Mostly Cretaceous Park, A Theme Park of Cloned Dinosaurs Is a Very Bad Idea

29. Pan’s Labyrinth: CGI Mythological Monsters Can’t Be More Scarier than Evil Fascist Captain, My Evil Stepfather Is a Bloodthirsty Fascist

30. The Night of the Hunter: Beware of Preachers with Tattoos

31. Cape Fear (1960’s): Scorsese Ruined This in the 1990s, Robert Mitchum Is Creepy

32. Ted: Filthy Children’s Toy and Manchild

33. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Is this a Nightmare Sequence or a Drug Trip?

34. Raising Arizona: Sympathetic Baby Snatchers

35. Groundhog Day: Bill Murray Lives for a Day Over and Over Again

36. Some Like It Hot: Jack Lemmon Has Major Gender Identity Issues

37. In Bruges: Gangsters Stick to Their Fucking Principles, Colin Farrell and Four People from Harry Potter

38. Hercules: Disney Fails Greek Mythology

39. Birth of a Nation: White Power the Silent Version, KKK Recruitment Propaganda, Rated W for White Supremacy, 3 Hours of Racism

40. Sunset Boulevard: Hollywood Screws People Up Big Time

41. Duel in the Sun: Not Your Conventional Gregory Peck Movie, Gregory Peck Is a Very Bad Man in This, 1940s Western Fanservice

42. Magic Mike: Maybe Male Strip Shows Aren’t that Entertaining, Nice Chest Scenes, Depressing Plot

43. The Master: Three Actors Waste Talent on Disappointing Script

44. The Hands of Orlac: Stranglers Shouldn’t Be Hand Donors

45. Apocalypto: Mel Gibson Fails Pre-Columbian Civilizations

46. Freaks: Freak Show Performers Are People, Too

47. The Brothers Bloom: Con Men Sure Have Issues, Crazy Rich Girls Make Everything Better Eventually

48. Spellbound: Don’t Talk to Strangers Especially Crazy and Potentially Dangerous Ones Unless They’re Hot

49. The Gods Must Be Crazy: Glass Bottles Create Tribal Disharmony, Glass Bottles Must Be Disposed Accordingly

50. Death at a Funeral: Don’t Take Vicodin Before a Funeral, Especially from a Drug Dealer, Murphy’s Law Funeral Style, Controlled Substances Make Funerals Interesting

How to Survive a Western

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 31, 2014

Ah, westerns, a classic American movie genre set at a time and place when everyone had to do everything themselves, especially when it came to fighting Indians or regular law enforcement. A time of cowboys and Indians, outlaws and gunfighters, and a time when people from far and wide moved away from the east to start a life of their own and grow up with the country. Of course, knowing that most of these are set between 1865-1920 so you won’t have access to the convenient 21st century technology. Still, surviving in a western isn’t easy and if you find yourself in one, here are some steps you should follow. (Of course, don’t count on working out all the time.)

1. Be black or Asian. (Because as far as race goes, these two have among the lowest death rates since most westerns don’t have either of them. Sure being black or Asian in a western may mean being susceptible to demeaning stereotypes or terrible jobs for pittance but at least it’s better not having people who want to kill you. And even so, chances are good you’ll survive anyway regardless of role except maybe villain.)

2. Listen to the hero no matter how much of jerk he is because he is always right. (Sure John Wayne may be bully and a complete asshole but if you don’t listen to him, well, there’s going to be trouble. Of course, unless you’re Maureen O’Hara you might want to avoid sleeping with him).

3. Don’t mess with the hero. (The hero’s motives may not be pure but if you do anything to him or try to hinder his goal, well, you’re going to get it.)

4. Avoid saloons and banks. (Sedentary indoor gun shootings happen at these places 90% of the time. Also, brothels, bars, hotels, and dance halls count as saloons since they also serve booze.)

5. Don’t be in anything by Sam Peckinpah. (I can’t help you there given his movies make Quentin Tarantino films look like something from Disney. Come to think of it, you might have better odds in The Hunger Games than in a Sam Peckinpah western.)

6. Stay indoors when the guns go off. (Or else, you’ll end up shot as an innocent bystander.)

7. Horseback riding and sharpshooting are valuable skills. (Being skilled in at least one will help you tremendously.)

8. Remember that most weapons fire rounds beyond their capacity without reloading. (Westerns are notorious for having six shooters that fire more than six at a time before reloading.)

9. Don’t board trains carrying gold or weapons in the baggage car. (It will be targeted for a train robbery which will involve shooting and dead bodies.)

10. Don’t travel by stagecoach. (Trust me, it will be Indians, bandits, or both.)

11. If you’re challenged to fight against a guy who’s known for his fast reflexes or excellent aiming skills, get the hell out of town as soon as you can. (Sure you might be called a coward but at least you’ll survive.)

12. Don’t challenge people to duels. (Just don’t. The challenger usually gets shot and killed in these. If he survives, then welcome to hell.)

13. If you’re white, stay out of the Indian settlements. (I don’t care if you’re in the US Army and it’s your job to get them to surrender peacefully {which won’t happen}, if the nearby Indians aren’t bothering you, either establish friendly relations or leave them alone. Otherwise, you’ll end up like Boromir.)

14. If you’re an Indian, stay out of white settlements and be prepared to face evacuation or the white man at all times. (Seriously it really sucks being an Indian in westerns, doesn’t it? Even if you do these things, there may be no hope for you but the reservation, which may be fate worse than death.)

15. Whenever you enter a town, make sure that there are no Wanted posters with your picture on them. (If there is, get the hell out before anyone sees you. You will either face armed confrontations, be chased by a posse, be arrested by the sheriff, deal with a bounty hunter, or possibly lynched.)

16. Remember your guns and horses are your prized possessions and traveling companions. (Take good care of them and they’ll take good care of you.)

17. If you get hurt, remember that a veterinarian is just is good as any doctor around. (And if you need medical care, you’ll need the nearest doctor you can get if there’s any around. Besides, most doctors in westerns usually treat both people and livestock anyways regardless of their specialty.)

18. Remember fire safety is really important. (Especially, since this is a time when most people don’t have access to electric lighting and that most structures are built out of wood.)

19. When the town needs a new sheriff, don’t volunteer or talk about your exploits. (You don’t want to be sheriff in that town, because the last guy probably got killed and crime is pretty bad.)

20. Don’t go in front of charging large animals. (You will get trampled.)

21. Forget codes of honor and perhaps try to do your best to survive. (I mean you don’t have to face the bad guy if it’s going to get you killed. An early grave is far worse than being called a coward.)

22. Gathering a large posse is a great defense against a band of violent criminals on the loose. (And in westerns, you most criminals are violent or at least armed robbers at best.)

23. Best leave fighting invading Indians to the army cavalry instead of doing it yourself. (Except if it’s Custer at Little Big Horn, Fort Apache, or in some unavoidable situations.)

24. Always show respect and courtesy toward the Indians. (They may be your enemy but will be less likely to kill you if you treat them politely and you’re not in a large group. Only applies when you actually have to go to the Indian camp or want to trade.)

25. Friendly Indian sidekicks are very reliable outside civilization. (When it comes to surviving the wilderness, there’s no one better. Outlaws, mountain men, and trappers are very good as well since they know how to handle a gun.)

26. On the trail, circling your wagon is a great defense against Indian attacks. (They always do this in western movies set on the trail. However, in real life, Indian attacks on wagon trains hardly ever happened {since the Indians knew raiding them would be a very stupid thing}. Also, the circling wagons was more for keeping cattle in and took hours.)

27. If you’re in a bank being robbed, do whatever the bank robber says. (Because it will get ugly if you don’t.)

28. If you’re a guy, never underestimate women in the frontier. (Sure there’s a lot of sexism at the time but many women in westerns do know how to load and shoot a gun, have helped built their own houses, and has seen her share of adversity, especially if she’s much older. And if you have the wrath of Mattie Ross, then God help you.)

29. On the cattle drive, watch out for stampedes, rustlers, snakes, storms, flash floods, droughts, etc. (On second thought, maybe working on a cattle train is not a good idea.)

30. Basic knowledge of first aid will help tremendously. (Especially since there will be no medical establishment within miles.)

31. If your town is besieged by violent criminals, don’t be afraid of enlisting outside help even if it’s just a drifter with a mysterious past. (Of course, he will be played by John Wayne or Clint Eastwood anyway, so you’ll be fine.)

32. Just because the hero can survive after going through a hail of bullets doesn’t mean you should. (Somehow western heroes tend to be somewhat immune to bullets at least until the very end than most of the other characters.)

33. If you’re a famous western hero, make sure the movie doesn’t depict anything related to the Alamo or anything related to your demise. (If you’re David Crockett or Jim Bowie and the movie’s title is The Alamo, you won’t last.)

34. Remember anything can be edible if you’re desperate enough. (Even if it’s dead human flesh or grasshoppers.)

Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 25, 2014

1. High Noon: Surrounded by Chickenshits

2. Suspicion: Lowering Relationship Standards

3. Transformers: CGI Robo Explosion Porn, Two Hour CGI Masturbation

4. Psycho: Overclipped Shower Scene

5. Pearl Harbor: From the Guys Who Flunked American History

6. Shadow of a Doubt: Something’s Really Wrong with Uncle Charlie

7. 300: CGI Six Packs, Bad History

8. Rashomon: Eyewitnesses Aren’t Always Reliable

9. Bridge Over the River Kwai: Seriously, You Realize You’re Committing Treason, Right?, Obi Wan Kenobi Commits Treason

10. The Grapes of Wrath: Republicans’ Plan for the Middle Class

11. The Black Cat: Has Nothing to Do with the Edgar Allan Poe Story Whatsoever

12. Braveheart: Somewhere a Medieval Historian Is Crying

13. The Deer Hunter: Made By People Who’ve Never Been to Western Pennsylvania

14. Arsenic and Old Lace: Old Ladies Make Loveable Serial Killers

15. The Philadelphia Story: Last Minute Bachelorette Party

16. Gone with the Wind: Four Hour Long Love Story Depicting Negative Black Stereotypes and an Implied Rape Scene But Is Still Better Than Twilight

17. Now, Voyager: Fuck you, Mom, I Do What I Want!

18. A Face in the Crowd: Sheriff Andy Is an Asshole

19. The Quiet Man: Irish Like Spousal Abuse, Dragging Your Wife By Her Hair Solves Everything

20. The Searchers: How Is This Any Good?, Seriously, Critics, You Call This a Masterpiece?

21. Radio Days: Christmas Story for Jews

22. All About Eve: Backstabbing Stage Bitches

23. The Maltese Falcon: Three Deaths Over Rip-Off, Antiques Roadshow Saves Lives

24. Treasure of the Sierra Madre: Greed Makes You Crazy

25. Mildred Pierce: Love Leads to Bad Decision Making

26. Monty Python’s Life of Brian: Seriously Not About Jesus

27. Notorious: Pimping in Espionage

28. Double Indemnity: Keeping It in Your Pants Saves Lives, Love Actuary

29. The Apartment: Horribly Horny Bosses

30. My Favorite Year: Adventures in Celebrity Babysitting

31. West Side Story: Dance Fighting the Musical

32. How Green Was My Valley: Welsh Miners Live Depressing Lives

33. Galaxy Quest: Three Amigos Meets Star Trek, By Trekkies for Trekkies, Trekkie Aliens in Space

34. The Invisible Man: Unintentionally Hilarious Horror Movie, Invisible Naked Guy Runs in Snow

35. Out of the Past: I Like Bad Girls and I Can’t Help It

36. From Here to Eternity: Mermaid Man Beats Old Blue Eyes to Death

37. Rear Window: Peeping Tom Neighborhood Watch Squad

38. Vertigo: Jimmy Stewart Really Needs a Therapist

39. Becket: Brokeback Mountain Middle Ages Edition

40. A Matter of Life and Death: The Perks of Having a Girlfriend

41. The Man with the Golden Arm: Cheating on Your Wife Is Bad Unless Your Girlfriend Helps You Overcome Your Heroin Addiction by Locking You While You Experience Withdrawal Symptoms

42. The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex: More Accurate than the Cate Blanchett Movies

43. 12 O’Clock High: Not a Stoner Movie

44. The Lion in Winter: King Henry II’s Family Christmas

45. The Paleface: Bob Hope is Actually Funny

46. Son of Pale Face: Horses Make Strange Bedfellows

47. The Great Dictator: Thinly Veiled Satire on Nazi Germany

48. I Was a Male War Bride: Feminism for Men WWII Edition

49. The Bling Ring: Hermione Robs Legolas

50. The Princess Bride: Manly Movie, Girly Title

The Cinematic Guide to Psychology

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 16, 2014

Psychology is perhaps one of the most underrated subjects as well as a relatively new field of science. Yet, since we live in a world of personalities, emotions, and human interaction, it is exceedingly useful in almost any profession and has changed people’s lives for the better because of it (I mean, who can live without therapists?). Still, though psychology has been a science relatively recently, it has always existed and people have always used it throughout history as well as in fiction itself. A good example of psychology at work is in the Bible when King Solomon orders a swordsman to cut a baby in two just to get an emotional reaction from one of the two women fighting over it. A good psychological example in fiction is Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale’s decline in The Scarlet Letter in which his guilt over knocking up Hester Prynne leads to him suffering some psycho-induced illness and Hester’s vengeful and crazy ex-husband Roger Chillingworth knows it and does his dirty work on him. Nevertheless, while writers may have some psychological understanding, they aren’t the leading authorities on it and Hollywood is not the place you should rely on the latest information of the human mind. In fact, much of the psychology you see in movies is based on knowledge that has been repeatedly debunked and deemed out of date. Not to mention, human behavior is very unpredictable and everyone experiences the world differently, including people with mental disorders. I mean it’s complicated. Yet, people believe it. Here is a list of supposed psychological knowledge everyone gets from movies.

1. Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities) exists and usually consists of people having either a bunch of personalities or Jekyll and Hyde dynamic. (Actually it’s exceedingly rare in real life to the point many First World countries refuse to recognize it as a disorder.)

2. All serial killers are psychopaths that are out of touch with reality and completely irrational. (Though psychopathic serial killers do exist {like Ted Bundy}, most psychopaths aren’t serial killers {most live completely normal lives but are more likely to commit and get away with white collar crime though}nor all serial killers psychopaths {though many are but are only responsible for 60% of serious violent crime in the US}. Not to mention, despite being narcissistic, anti-social, irresponsible, impulsive, charming but lacking emotional depth, they are completely in touch with reality and highly rational. Also, being out of touch with reality and irrational is psychosis and usually doesn’t make a person dangerous in society and is usually a symptom of another disorder. Hollywood tends to use both interchangeably.)

3. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are socially awkward with high intelligence but are assholes who can’t feel empathy or understand emotions. (People with Asperger’s may have social difficulties with nonverbal social cues and many may be highly intelligent, but they usually go to great lengths to inadvertently hurt anyone so they do care how other people are feeling. More often than not, they just can’t tell.)

4. Dyslexics have terrible writing skills, see jumbled words, and can’t read past a fourth grade level. (Dyslexia is actually a spectrum disorder while some dyslexics may be functionally illiterate, many are simply bad at reading or phonics. Most shown in movies are only severe cases. Also, while many dyslexics are bad at writing, it’s a side affect and many do go to great pains to make sure their grammar and spelling is up to snuff.)

5. Bipolar sufferers go through rapid cycles of extreme mood swings at a constant rate whether be weeks, days, or hours. (Actually most bipolar sufferers would experience such symptoms maybe a few times a year or at times of great stress. This kind imore corresponds to a Borderline Personality Disorder.)

6. Panic is usually induced during disasters and it’s best people should be told not to. (It’s very possible to have a panic attack in their own home since it’s induced by a sense of potential entrapment, a sense of helplessness, and a sense of profound isolation. Also, it’s best not to tell people not to panic during disasters because it makes their situation worse.)

7. You can easily pretend insanity. (Most legally insane people usually don’t know it but may suspect something may be wrong with them. Still, if you try to be insane, most will see through your act like most of the M*A*S*H 4077 sees through Klinger’s cross dressing scheme to get a Section 8.)

8. Having an unhealthy body image with help from the media can quickly lead to a life-threatening eating disorder. (While real life-threatening eating disorders do exist, they are still very rare, have been around longer than Hollywood, and usually are seen as an expression of complex psychological and emotional problems. Most people aren’t susceptible to such extreme behavior patterns for any significant length of time. So while having an unhealthy body image may help lead to a life-threatening eating disorder, it’s usually not the only factor and they are usually develop over a much longer period of time. Still, this is not to say having an unhealthy body image is a good thing or that the media is completely harmless projecting them.)

9. Uncovering painful repressed memories through therapy will help people come to terms with their traumas causing mental problems. (This “uncovering” repressed memories is seen as a scientifically and ethically dubious practice once popular with incest cases and might’ve sent innocent people to jail.)

10. Assertiveness training turns people into self-centered jerk or lunatics with short tempers before going back to normal with no repercussions from their behavior. Also, this usually involves hypnosis or reading a book. (This usually involves multiple sessions with a trained psychologist and learning about diplomatic ways to stand up for yourself and get your fair share.)

11. All responses to trauma are PTSD and usually requires the key to re-experience the episode for an individual to remember and understand before quickly returning to normal. (PTSD is a disorder requiring time to develop with problems that arise when the trauma isn’t dealt with or acknowledged the first time. Also, triggering is usually not needed since they usually remember what happened, they just can’t stop forgetting. Also, treatment for PTSD takes years. It’s complicated.)

12. Schizophrenia cause the person to experience vivid and focused hallucinations. (Not usually and can sometimes be auditory. They tend to be portrayed that way because it’s more effective and doesn’t confuse the audience.)

13. People with ADHD are constantly at a caffeine high and unable to maintain focus on anything for more than a few minutes before getting distracted. (It’s actually a whole set of symptoms, some good and some bad. ADHD is usually exaggerated in movies to the point of absurdity.)

14. Hypnosis is an effective brainwashing method even when the person was an unwilling participant. (It’s impossible unless the person wanted to be brainwashed, if such is possible. Propaganda {like Fox News} and violence are much more effective for unwilling participants.)

15. Amnesia can be caused from a head bump and doesn’t last very long as well as usually pertains to the inability to recollect memories before the incident. Also, memory recovery may cause you to forget new ones already made if you experience another head injury. (Most amnesia cases pertain to the inability to create memories after the head bump if such happens but amnesia is usually rare. Not to mention, it can last for days or even a lifetime. Also, most amnesia isn’t caused by just single bump to the head or isn’t necessarily cured by it {more realistically it may be the result of significant brain damage after several head injuries over the span of years [like NFL football players]}. Not to mention, recovering past memories doesn’t lead to you losing new ones unless you have short term memory loss.)

16. People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder are likely to lash out at people who reject them when in a mercurial mood. (Actually are more prone to harm themselves and engage in self-destructive behavior. Also, 10% of those diagnosed with BPD are estimated to die at their own hands. Sorry, Fatal Attraction.)

17. Sufferers from Tourette’s Syndrome compulsively swear. (This is coprolalia and is only experienced by 10% of Tourette’s sufferers. Also, Tourette’s sufferers usually have multiple physical and verbal tics they feel compelled to perform on a regular basis. But who wants to see someone with Tourette’s who doesn’t compulsively swear?)

18. The mentally ill are more likely to commit crimes. (Only commit slightly more violent crime {only because they have a higher incidence of substance abuse} than average but are 10 times more likely to become victims of crimes though. If they are a danger to anyone, it’s usually to themselves.)

19. It’s not uncommon for men to experience a mid life crisis in which he dumps his wife for a younger woman, quits his job, and gets himself a Cadillac. (Not really. Also, most people don’t have mid life crisis like that and are satisfied with their lives. Only affects 10% of middle aged men.)

20. People with OCD are ritualistic control freaks with no social skills and pay super attention to detail. (It’s actually an anxiety disorder that causes repeated unwanted thoughts and the rituals are simply attempts to stop them. More along the lines of OCD personality disorder.)

21. All paranoids are schizophrenic and are laden with conspiracy theories which turn out to be true. (Paranoid schizophrenia is among a group of six kinds of schizophrenic disorders classified by disorganized thought, general difficulty thinking, delusions, hallucinations, and jerky “odd” movements and is rather rare. Also, not all paranoids are schizophrenic either. Sure they may believe in some kind of conspiracy theory but it’s not usually true.)

22. When someone is grieving, they always experience the Five Stages of Grief in order even within ten seconds of each other. (Not all of them go through the five stages and not always in order. Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who formulated the theory said this.)\

23. People only use 10% of their brains unless they have super powers. (Humans use all their brains but not all at the same time and about 15-30% at any given moment. When the entire brain flares up, someone usually has a seizure. Oh, and superpowers don’t really exist.)

24. All psychology is Freudian. (Well, some but it’s also part neuroscience, too.)

25. Psychological problems usually stem from a single source. (There are usually many sources and it could take weeks for a psych to figure out what’s wrong before treatment.)

26. Mental hospitals are houses of horrors. (Yes, but not for reasons you might think even though a positive experience in one is more likely. Still, abuse can happen in places with improperly trained and supervised personnel, lack of funds, and using outdated drugs.)

27. A shrink could be driven mentally unsound by his or her job. (Well, yes, but so can medical professionals, lawyers, police, and even co-dependents to mentally ill.)

28. Psychological treatment doesn’t take particularly long even if it’s from psychological trauma. (They usually take years to sort out and cure in the best scenarios and most require a lifetime.)

29. Therapy offices usually have clients sit himself or herself on a couch staring at the ceiling. (This is not as common nowadays since most involve the client and therapist facing each other.)

30. Traumatic incidences and childhood upbringing can shape a person for who they are. (To some extent, yes, but it’s kind of up for debate.)

31. Rorschach tests are standard psychiatric procedure. (Most psychiatrists don’t value the test since it requires their own judgement on the patient’s answers and the blots you see in the media aren’t the ones necessarily used in real life.)

32. Serial killers who target women and sexual deviants have grown up with abusive parents, particularly mothers. (While many social deviants do have abusive childhoods, most of them do their crimes for simply no reason. Also, while someone with abusive parents is very likely to be abusive themselves, this doesn’t mean they will become serial killers or serial rapists.)

33. Psychologists and psychiatrists are the same. (Actually psychiatrists prescribe drugs while psychologist usually do therapy.)

34. Bullies have low self-esteem. (Most of them usually have an inflated sense of self-worth and get aggressive when their sense of superiority comes into question.)

35. Cult members are mindless sheep. (They’re just like everyone else who just want to belong to a social group.)

36. Autistic people are easy to identify. (There are plenty of people who may be autistic but you wouldn’t know it.)

37. Taking drugs can lead to a higher level of enlightenment. (There’s some debate about this.)

38. Only crazy and messed up people need therapy. (Even normal people are susceptible to mental illness.)

39. Word tests are conducted in which the therapist is interested in what the patient will respond. (Usually more interested in how long it takes than what words he or she says.)

40. An Oedipus Complex pertains to guy having an inappropriate relationship with his mother. (Can be but a guy doesn’t need to have a sexual relationship with his mom to have an Oedipus Complex. He just has to want to remove his father to further himself in the eyes of his mom. The female Electra Complex is kind of the same way with girls and their fathers. Has more to do with a child’s relationship with the same sex parent than anything.)

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 10, 2014

Though I love old movies, I’ve never been such a fan of the horror genre, especially now many nowadays are just slasher movies. Of course, there are a few I actually like but most of them are old school and in black and white classics, and even from them, there are few which are actually scary. Still, despite old horror movies’ inability to scare me, I still enjoy them since they’re quite entertaining and sometimes unintentionally funny. But most movies that actually scare me tend to revolve around psycho killers, especially charming ones many wouldn’t suspect of killing anyone at least in the movie. Then there’s Diabolique which is about a murder plot gone horribly wrong after conducted at near perfect precision. Nevertheless, if you’re in a horror movie, there are plenty of things you could do to make sure what bumps in the night doesn’t get you. However, following these steps doesn’t guarantee your safety but will certainly lessen your chances. Not to mention, be glad you’re not in a war movie since your odds of dying are much higher.

1. If you’re a scientist, doctor, or medical student, don’t conduct secret projects in your basement, especially those which try to defy and/or violate scientific ethics or principles, involve lawbreaking or cruelty to animals, and/or come with consequences you aren’t willing to take responsibility for. (C’mon, we know these experiments will go horribly wrong and the local community will live with the consequences.)

a. If you create a potion, you might want to test it on small animals instead of drinking it yourself to conduct a scientific study analysis. (Because if you take it yourself, you will go insane and inflict your wrath around town before your inevitable death. Look at Dr. Jekyll and the Invisible Man. Women are perfectly fine though since the Invisible Woman actually went on to get married and live happily ever after making invisible babies. Of course, she really wasn’t a monster.)

2. If you’re an archaeologist or part of an archaeology expedition, stay the hell out of Egypt. (Or else, you’ll come across a tomb which is always cursed as well as have a mummy come back to life who may want to take up with your crew’s token female. And he won’t hesitate knocking you off in the process.)

3. Common Sense: learn it, use it, love it.

4. Avoid the following as much as possible: small towns or the middle of nowhere, small town gas stations, eerie barns, old houses with histories, Southern backwoods, forests, old hospitals, basements, run down areas, wax museums, campgrounds, tool sheds, places with one hanging light bulb, naturally creepy places, garages, castles, cemeteries, attics, dark damp places, New England, England, private islands, mom and pop hotels and inns, nuclear facilities, or the Deep South.

5. If you or your wife delivers a stillborn baby, do not consider adopting the orphan baby whose mother died in childbirth at the same hospital to replace it with, no matter how badly you want a kid. (The baby is the spawn of Satan and will amass a considerable body count by the end of the movie, including you, your spouse, and a nanny or two. I mean look what happened to Gregory Peck in The Omen.)

6. If you’re from out of town and looking for a place to stay the night especially during increment weather, stay away from Victorian houses, old creepy mansions, closets, castles, or a motel decorated with taxidermy and run by a socially awkward but seemingly pleasant young man. (I mean c’mon chances are you won’t last the night in any of them. And if you stay in the last one, you will probably be murdered by that seemingly pleasant young man in a dress while you’re taking a shower.)

7. Don’t plan to kill anyone, particularly your spouse, especially with the person your spouse is cheating on you with. (Chances are, your plan will backfire and you’ll be dead by the end even if it at first goes perfectly well.)

8. Be wary around young children who seem like perfect little angels in adult company but are greatly feared among the other kids. (Chances are there is something wrong with them and get to you when it’s too late. Finding out won’t stop them either.)

9. Pay attention to urban legends, ghost stories, town legends, anything related to the occult or superstition, or any other kind of knowledge as the plot demands even if you don’t believe it yourself. (Such knowledge will come in handy later.)

10. Expect the unexpected.

11. If you’re under 40 and/or single, don’t ever have sex or even attempt it until the responsible party is vanquished (assuming you or your love interest isn’t insinuating all this. If so, then break it up now). Doesn’t matter what your gender, your sexual preferences or tastes, whether you use protection, or how much experience you had. As long as there’s something scaring the place, abstinence is your only option. (Otherwise, you will be dead. As for rape victims and prostitutes, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.)

12. If you’re a young woman, don’t take your clothes off or show your breasts even for bathing or changing into something else, especially in slow motion. (The first woman to lose or remove her clothing dies.)

13. Unless it’s before 1970, don’t use drugs or alcohol. (Because you will end up doing stupid things which will allow the killer to find you, meaning you’re dead. If it’s before 1970, tobacco and alcohol are perfectly fine since everyone basically is using one or the other or both.)

14. Don’t think you can outsmart the killer or even try. (You can’t and you will fail.)

15. If you’re black, make sure you bring a black friend along with you who isn’t played by someone more famous than you are. (The token black person in the group always dies first or somewhere along the line as in Night of the Living Dead when the black guy is killed last by rednecks mistaken him for a zombie. Having such buddy will help you immensely.)

16. Stay away from Satanists. (They are in league with the devil and won’t hesitate to make you part of their plans whether it means to bring Satan to Earth or as a human sacrifice.)

17. If you think the killer is dead, don’t bend over or kneel beside it to make sure. Continuous hacking and shooting as well as setting it on fire are viable options. You need to better be damn sure. (Else, the monster will come back to life and kill you.)

18. For parents: if one of your kids sees something really wrong with a particular person whether it be your sibling, spouse, or some other kid, listen to them for God’s sake. (Or else, you’ll end up like Shelley Winters in The Night of the Hunter.)

19. Don’t even attempt to call anyone for there won’t be any service or reception, the cords will be snipped or the power is out, or there won’t be any phones. Phones aren’t helpful in horror movies. (You’ll be dead if you even answer one.)

20. If you’re confronted by the killer, don’t run up the stairs. (You won’t get out and will be killed.)

21. If you have a job, don’t work the graveyard shift, especially if you work in law-enforcement or as a security guard. (Those people are usually dead in the beginning.)

22. If some seemingly important person who’s well seasoned in these kind of things gives you any advice, listen to them unless doing so would break any other more logical guideline.

23. Make sure your flashlight has a fresh set of batteries or you take a spare pack with you. (Because when those flashlight batteries die, then so will you.)

24. If this is an Edgar Allan Poe story, make sure the house has no torture devices, homicidal freaks, or graves of anyone buried alive. Also, make sure your house doesn’t have any of these. (Else, God help you.)

25. Don’t go anywhere near creepy or strange sounds since they’re distractions. (And the killer will be right behind you.)

26. If it stars Boris Karloff or Vincent Price, you might want to avoid them. (They usually play the bad guys in horror movies and should never be trusted.)

27. Don’t try opening a door that’s been sealed for a long time if you don’t know the reasons behind it. (Chances are it was done for a very good reason.)

28. Don’t get locked in any building or business after hours.

29. Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following:

a. Doors or paper thin walls that can be easily broken down by shambling corpses.

b. Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.

c. Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.

d. Whispering walls.

e. Unusual closets or other alcoves that contain unusual objects or creatures.

f. Storage spaces beneath stairways.

g. Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.

h. In regard to basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before you move in.

29. Before you move in, get as much information as you can about the previous tenants. (This will save you much aggravation.)

30. Never stop to pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person. (You will regret it.)

31. Avoid people with the following features: men in black, people with pointy teeth or lots of facial hair, people with pale complexions who moan and sway, anyone frothing at the mouth, painted faces, or anyone with access to virgin’s blood who speaks Latin.

32. Check your nanny’s references before letting her near your kid.

33. If you’re a woman, be sure you’re a good woman and in order to be one you must:

a. Be a natural blonde.

b. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist preferably a world leading expert and perhaps follow in the guy’s footsteps.

c. Don’t wear make-up.

d. Either be a virgin or frigid and make everyone know about it.

e. Be in love with the bad scientist for the first part until he begins to mutate before at all cost switching allegiances to the good scientist.

f. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.

g. Hang around with the bad woman a lot.

34. If you’re a bad woman, be sure to buddy with the good woman and ready to squash the bad scientist the second his fortunes turn on him.

35. Always pay close attention to the dying words of any scientist, military-heavyweight, or anyone responsible for creating the monster. (It’s the only time they will divulge the vital clue to destroying the evil.)

36. When using the buddy system, make sure the other person is slower, weaker, or dumber than you. (Then it will be him or her who gets killed and not you.)

37. While in a group, sleep in shifts. If alone, drink a lot of coffee. (The monster is very likely to get you while you’re asleep.)

38. Think for your own survival first no matter how close you are to the people you’re with. If you survive, you’ll be on your own anyway. (Friends, family, and enemies are expendable here.)

39. Always listen to usually insane people, particularly little old ladies.

40. Never wear a uniform or a badge. (You’ll die within ten minutes.)

41. If you see inanimate objects come to life and/or attack you and it’s not a Disney movie, run for your life.

42. Never open anything that’s been chained, nailed, welded, wax sealed shut, especially if it’s been hidden for a long time.

43. Don’t read anything aloud or solve any puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

45. Avoid animals exhibiting behavior that wouldn’t be considered normal and perhaps more hostile than usual. (There’s something wrong with them and they will kill if you don’t call Animal Control.)

46. If your pet begins behaving erratically in a particular person’s presence, avoid him or her at all costs, even if he or she’s your spouse, child, or relative.

47. If there’s a demon in your house, call your local exorcist immediately regardless of religious denomination. (He may die but at least you and your family will be okay even if there’s possession involved.)

48. Don’t go to the bathroom even if it’s an emergency. (Relieving yourself will get you killed.)

49. Curiosity kills.

50. For slasher films: unless you’re the blonde virgin girl with the androgynous name, you might want to write your last will and testament since there can be no hope for you.

51. Don’t touch strange looking plants.

52. If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior like hissing, a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, and increasing hairiness, go away as soon as possible.

53. Stay away from strangers bearing tools such as: chainsaws, staple guns, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws, or any device from deceased companions.

54. If you’re a guy, don’t be the funny smart-ass. (Else, you’ll be dead.)

55. If you’re looking for something that may be dangerous in the house, turn on the lights or use a flashlight. (Monsters only haunt in the dark.)

56. Never babysit or be a camp counselor.

57. If running away from the monster, try to make the least amount of noise as possible, especially if you’re a girl. (Loose lips create stiffs.)

58. Always be superstitious.

59. If it’s Friday the 13th or Halloween, you might want to go into hiding.

60. The monster is never who you think it is.

For More:

Horror Movie Survival Guide: http://www.horrormoviesurvivalguide.com/

From a website: http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm

From About.com: http://horror.about.com/od/horrorthemelists/ss/How-to-Survive-a-Horror-Movie.htm

How to Survive a War Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 29, 2013

While trying to survive a murder mystery comes with it’s own share a difficulties, trying to survive a war movie presents a different set of challenges that make surviving a murder mystery look like a piece of cake. In war movies, death and destruction are everywhere and serve as the norm and no matter what side, what role you play in the story, or how well you follow these tips, your survival is no guarantee. Luckily, many war movies are set in history and chances are you may be someone who actually existed which may help in he long run. Still, here are some guideline on how to survive a war movie. I’ll use the model you’ll find in most Hollywood World War II movies since they make plenty of them but I won’t focus on ships or aviation though.

1. Make sure you’re on the right side. (In Hollywood movies, the formula goes as follows: If you’re in a film set during WWII, the American Revolution, and most American wars in general before 1950, you probably want to be on whatever side the US is on. Exceptions are the US Civil War and World War I since one was fought amongst Americans and the other is usually made to portray the horrors of war in general. If you’re in a film set during the British Empire, the Elizabethan Era, or the Napoleonic Wars, you’d want to side with the Brits. If you’re in a war movie based on a Shakespearean play, stick with the English. Other wars, it mostly depends on the history or point of view.)

2. Make sure you’re based on a real person instead of a fictional creation. (Of course, this may help you or hurt you, depending on whether that person survived the incident or the war. Still, odds are pretty good if your character actually existed.)

3. Be played by a famous actor. (If your character is played by a big movie star like Tom Hanks, you will probably last a very long time.)

4. Be among the main characters. (Odds are good you’ll last a long time, especially if you’re the protagonist.)

5. If you’re the main character, make sure the narrator is either yourself or your child. (Odds are good you won’t die, especially if the narrator is either you or someone who depends on you to exist. Age of child is also a factor.)

6. Don’t show a picture of your girlfriend back home to your soldier buddies no matter how much you love her, how much you want to marry her, or how lovely or attractive she is. (Guys who show a picture of their girlfriends back home will be among the first ones to get shot even if she’s his fiancee. Death happens less often to guys showing a picture of his wife, kids, friends, or other family members.)

7. Don’t tell anyone that your tour of duty or enlistment will be up within less than a month’s time or discuss your future plans after the war. (Chances are you’re a dead man.)

8. Don’t be a spy or a traitor. (You’ll be found out and shot dead.)

9. If you’re a member of a band of brothers unit in a platoon or company, unless you’re the main character, don’t be (can be of any enlisted rank but you know the generalities):

a. Private New-Recruit-Who-Enlisted-Just-Out-Of-High-School or Private Guy-Who-Lied-About-His-Age-To-Join.

b. Private Relative-Or-Friend-Of-Major-Character

c. Private Wanting-To-See-Real-Action or Private Enthusiastically-Idealistically-Patriotic

d. Private Guy-Who-Owes-Something-To-Old-Schoolfriend

e. Private Jolly-Fat-Guy

f. Private Only-Likeable-Guy-In-Group

g. Corporal Cool-Guy-With-Ambiguities

h. Corporal Shell-Shocked-Veteran

i. Corporal Guy-With-Homosexual-Longings

j. Corporal Token-Insert-Nationality-Here (unless American or played by David Niven) or Corporal Token-Insert-Ethnicity-Here

k. Corporal Guy-With-Social-Background-Issues

l. Corporal Smartest-Guy-Here or Corporal Warrior-Poet

m. Corporal Resident-Clown

n. Corporal Nickname

o. Corporal Guy-With-Endearing-Quirk-Or-Skill

p. Corporal Pacifist-Conscript (Unless you’re the titular Sergeant York but he was real.)

q. Sergeant Oldest-Guy-In-His-Unit

r. Sergeant Best-Damn-Soldier-In-Unit

10. As for the NCO or officer to serve under make sure it’s not (can be of any NCO or officer rank):

a. Sergeant Nutso

b. Lieutenant I-Got-This-Promotion-Because-Of-Politics

c. Captain Upper-Class-Twit

d. Major Zero-Respect-For-His-Men

e. Lieutenant Colonel Incapable-Of-Fear

f. Colonel Arrogant-Prick

11. Try to avoid getting a serious injury unless it gets you sent home and doesn’t entail you to experience the medical horrors of the time period. (Survival odds from real serious injuries depend on the setting so while having a limb amputated in a WWII film will get you home, it will result in death in a US Civil War film. As in any movie involving a wooden war ship, if you survive amputation, chances are you will not get an automatic discharge. Those with less serious wounds will be patched up, given leave, and will eventually have to return to the front unless on a wooden war ship.)

12. Only accept souvenirs and tokens from beautiful young women and children you saved which will be helpful. And don’t loot anything off a slain enemy, especially if he’s already dead when you found him no matter how useful his stash is. (You will live to regret it.)

13. If you’re a prisoner of war, remain in capture of your enemies until you’re either liberated or the war is over no matter how bad the enemy’s treating you. No matter how desperate you are, make no effort to escape. (Since escaping from a POW facility will get you either killed, sent back, or commanded to return but on a dangerous mission under blackmail which will get you fragged by a former fellow inmate trying to stop you.)

14. While you’re a POW and an officer, make sure your morale boosting projects aren’t helping the enemy. (Anyone who’s seen The Bridge on the River Kwai knows why Colonel Nicholson couldn’t survive the film.)

15. If you’re serving in a non-combat unit, no matter how intolerable your commanding officer is or how bored you are, don’t ever request a transfer to combat duty. (Mr. Roberts should’ve stayed a merchant marine and be grateful for his role in the war effort.)

16. For officers, veterans, or NCOs: Don’t be a mentor to some new recruit or become some kind of father figure to your men. Also, don’t strive to be a benevolent and competent authority figure who wouldn’t risk putting his men in senseless danger. (Only a messy and disturbing death will befall you near the end. Best be a complete and incompetent jerk but not to the degree that you endanger the men for no reason.)

17. If you’re on leave or have deserted your post, don’t spend an extended time contemplating with increase resolve to return to the front. (You will be shot in the climatic battle like Montgomery Clift in From Here to Eternity.)

18. Enlisted men: Whenever your sergeant says, “I’m not making you go; anyone who wants to can bow out of this with no consequences.” Bow out. (Or else, you and everyone else in your unit will be dead by the end but your respect for your sergeant may cloud your judgement.)

19. While on leave, don’t fall in love or get married even if she’s the girl of your dreams, pregnant with your kid, or has a poor family in need. (You won’t have a future wit her even if the film’s a musical. Of course, if you knocked her up, you might want to marry her so she and your baby can benefit from your life insurance policy if you have one. One exception is if you’re a British soldier who falls for an American servicewoman while your plane crashed. In this case, love will help immensely, especially when you’re fighting for your chance to live in a celestial court.)

20. Don’t name your gun or get too attached with your weapon. (Ole’ Bess won’t save you.)

21. If you should have a pet, make sure it’s a dog or mouse and keep it with you at all times. Don’t set it free or let a friend take care of it for you under any circumstances. (You won’t see it again unless it’s a horse your family lent to the war effort who will reunite with you after a few years of being subject to different owners while you lay temporarily blind by your bed side, even if it has to get caught up in barbed wire.)

22. If you’re an officer, be a sympathetic military maverick who can get away with anything and knowing that soldiers win war for making the other poor dumb bastards die for their country. (Like Patton.)

23. Don’t retreat from battle unless everyone else does or if you plan to return with reinforcements at the last minute.

24. Avoid heartwarming and touching cultural exchanges with an enemy on the other side unless he’s about to die or if your trapped with him behind the lines and dies anyway.

25. Don’t underestimate the practical applications in the latest weapons technology even if your commanding officers do. Be sure to have all the ammunition you need for a battle and add plenty of extra magazines you can cram in your pockets for safe measure. Also, make sure your weapon is maintained so it doesn’t jam. (Well, if you can. Still, you’ll need all the ammo you can get.)

26. Don’t share a foxhole or trench with anyone braver, louder, crazier, or stupider than you.

27. Disregard any advice that goes against good common sense or your training.

28. If taken prisoner, don’t be a smart ass in front of your interrogators who may already be angry with you.

29. Don’t turn your back on anyone you’ve just shot, stabbed, or thrown from a moving vehicle. (Chances are they’re just faking and waiting to stab you in the back.)

30. Never grab a flag or standard and charge headlong at the enemy screaming no matter how inspiring or memorable it is. (You’ll be shot and dead within five minutes.)

31. If you’re in a place that sees no action, don’t talk about your good fortune. And tell your loved ones back home to refrain from such talk as well. (Remember your luck can easily change and you don’t want that to happen.)

32. Avoid love triangles at all times, especially involving your best friend or brother. (Happens in a lot of war movies. If you’re in a war movie love triangles your chances of surviving are 33-50% depending if the object of your affections is back home or a civilian you met on your tour of duty {and this usually involves two guys vying over a girl not two girls vying over a guy}. Still, at least one person in a love triangle has to die while the other remaining may not get the girl anyway and will feel bad about it.)

33. Only write letters if they can also serve as voice over narration and don’t write a letter to your mother, wife, girlfriend, or brother and put it in your top left shirt pocket. (You won’t finish it or send it, especially if your name is Sullivan Ballou during Bull Run and the recipient is your wife Sarah.)

34. Constantly openly fret about your survival and say why war is hell.

35. Don’t participate in any general’s plan to end the war by Christmas. (It’s a suicide mission and will not end the war by Christmas.)

36. Don’t reach for anything just over the trench.

37. If you witness your fellow soldiers committing a war crime, don’t say anything even if you’re morally opposed to such atrocities until you’re back at the base and with evidence. If your superior officer orders you to commit a war crime, simply pull a gun right in front of him and tell him this is unlawful before relieving him of command by force. If it’s likely the chain of command will be unsympathetic if you tell the whole truth in debriefing, frag him. (Else you’ll get killed and so will the village. Happens in a lot of movies about Vietnam.)

38. Pay attention to all safety briefings, language classes, and any area familiarity before any mission.

39. Don’t swear, make scatological or sexual references, use racially insensitive terms, or make any reference to drug use. Also, force others to do likewise especially if it’s a family movie. (Like PG-13.)

40. Refuse all good luck charms. (They won’t work.)

41. Be nice to local civilians regardless of their loyalties. (You will get killed if you don’t try to earn their respect.)

42. When given the chance to shoot a newly captured unarmed or wounded enemy, just do it until he’s dead. (It will assure you that he won’t pose a danger to you or your friends. Any guilt over this, you can tell your grandchildren or spouse in a tearful fashion years later.)

43. If you’re fighting in the desert to the last man against a force drastically outnumbering you, make sure you seek a fortress near a vast untapped water reservoir so when that’s shot off the enemy will surrender. (This is a plot to Sahara.)

44. If you’re on a wooden war ship, make sure you’re not assigned as the mast lookout or near the cannons. (They always get killed in these kind of films.)

45. If you’re American, join the navy. (Many films that feature the US Navy hardly have anyone getting killed {since they’re usually more drama or comedy oriented than action packed} but this doesn’t mean your survival is an absolute guarantee. It just means you have better odds than an army soldier or a pilot since you’re on a ship. Remember what happened in Mr. Roberts when he got transferred to a combat ship during WWII, especially in the Pacific Ocean.)

46. If you’re in the service, be a woman. (Servicewomen are less likely to get killed than servicemen in the same scenario. Compare how the American nurse and the American radio guy find love in the musical South Pacific. Guess who gets the happy ending.)

47. If you find yourself alone, don’t break into any civilian households on enemy soil. (Scarlett shoots a Union soldier doing this in Gone with the Wind. Mrs. Miniver almost does this to a German soldier but turns him to the local cops instead.)

48. If you’re a fighter pilot, make sure your nickname doesn’t sound girly or is the name of a cartoon character. Choose something cool and manly.

49. Know lots of amusing sound off songs. (Makes everyone’s survival more likely.)

50. If you’re a sniper in a sniper duel, make sure the sun isn’t in front of you. (Or you’ll be shot in the eye.)

Classic Old Hollywood Bad Boys Deconstructed

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 23, 2013

For years, it’s been said that girls are attracted to bad boys. However, there are times when some of these “bad” boys are only bad in name only while others live up to the name. Sometimes a guy is only seen as a “bad boy” just because he’s attractive and has an undesirable flaw. Here I have a list of some of the best defined bad boys of the Old Hollywood years (before 1970) and try to determine on a criteria on whether they are really as bad as people make them out to be. With each known “bad boy” I’ll ask questions whether he’s criminally inclined, gets along with his family or friends, mentally stable, potentially abusive and/or physically violent, whether he has trouble keeping a legal job, whether he’s sufficiently bad as the rest of the cast, if he respects women, and whether he’s actually interested or uses people. Of course, some factors matter more than others. So here is a list of Old Hollywood bad boys and whether they are really “bad” or just a good looking guy with an undesirable flaw. (I’ll only show those who are likeable around women since they are the hot point of debate. Also, I’ll only list the iconic ones from classic films, history, or literature.)

1. Jim Stark

From: Rebel Without a Cause, played by James Dean

Is he criminally inclined? Well, he skipped home, was caught for underage drinking, and participated in street racing but only under peer pressure and really felt bad about it. Still, his criminal behavior doesn’t deviate from what one would expect from a teenager.

Does he get along with family or friends? Though he doesn’t make friends easily he does get along with those nice to him. And though he may have trouble getting along with his parents, he nevertheless loves them.

Is he mentally stable? Well, he has issues but compared to his friend Plato (Sal Mineo) he is.

Is he potentially abusive or physically violent? He has a bad temper but is only physically violent when he gets really angry or upset. Also, he’s no where near as abusive as some of the characters.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? This isn’t relevant in the movie.

Is he worse than most of the cast? No, for there are plenty of worse people in the cast like Plato and the gang of school bullies.

Does he respect women? Actually treats Judy (Natalie Wood) better than her old man and one of her boyfriends. He certainly doesn’t physically hurt any women.

Does he care about his love interest? Well, let’s just say he takes more of an emotional interest in Judy than a physical one and probably wouldn’t want anything to do with him if she was mean to him. Whether he loves her, I can’t really say.

Verdict: Though Jim may have serious issues and is nowhere near perfect, he’s actually not much worse than what you’d expect from most teenagers. And compared to most of the teenage boys in the cast, he’s actually one least self-destructive and nicest guys around.

2. Cal Trask

From: East of Eden, played by James Dean

Is he criminally inclined? Not really.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, though he seems to act perfectly fine with characters outside his family, his relationship with his family is dysfunctional. For one, his mother deserted and neglected her family when him and his brother were very young and had nothing to with them until the start of the film. Though Cal adores his deeply religious father, his dad doesn’t really think much about him and makes it no secret that he favors his brother Aron. And with Aron, Cal is basically jealous of him but later drives him insane and steals his girlfriend. Let’s just say it’s complicated.

Is he mentally stable? Sure he has serious issues but he’s pretty much grounded in reality.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Only with his brother and only when mad.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Not only does he have no trouble keeping a job, he’s also a very successful as an entrepreneurial farmer and businessman. His bean growing experiment earned him a considerable profit.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Well, with the exception of Abra (Julie Harris), the sheriff (Burl Ives), and a few others, you might think that. He’s definitely a better person than his mother.

Does he respect women? Well, he doesn’t physically hurt them. Still, it depends on whether some women are nice to him.

Does he care about his love interest? Let’s just say he wouldn’t steal Abra away from Aron if he wasn’t emotionally drawn to her since she’s one of the few characters who’s nice to him.

Verdict: Cal may do some bad things but he is not a bad boy at all. He has some issues and is certainly labeled that, but most evidence points to the contrary. He just doesn’t get along with his family.

3. Lewton McCanles

From: Duel in the Sun, played by Gregory Peck

Is he criminally inclined? Yes, commits rape and murder multiple times, shoots his own brother unarmed, and derails a train.

Does he get along with family or friends? He may get along with his father and some of the ranch hands but he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother or brother who both aren’t happy being related to him.

Is he mentally stable? He’s very prone to self-destructive behavior, especially towards the end.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Oh, yes, very much so. He’s controlling and has an explosive temper. He rapes Jennifer Jones and shoots Joseph Cotten and Charles Bickford. Oh, he and Jennifer Jones both die in a shoot out.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Not really but he works on his family ranch.

Is he worse than most of the cast? When it comes to inflicting violence, absolutely. When it comes to attitudes of the day, not really.

Does he respect women? Not at all. He and his mother don’t get along and he treats Pearl (Jennifer Jones) like shit and does whatever he wants with her without considering her feelings. Not to mention, he’s also very possessive and controlling of her.

Does he care about his love interest? Though it’s hard to say whether he loves Pearl, he certainly doesn’t care enough for her to consider her feelings or obtain her consent when it comes to sex. To him she just exists to sexually fulfill him until he’s done with her, or so it appears.

Verdict: For those who think that he can’t be that terrible because he’s played by Gregory Peck, I believe you are sorely mistaken. Lewton McCanles is perhaps a “bad boy” in the truest sense. Avoid men like him at all costs.

4. Stanley Kowalski

From: A Streetcar Named Desire, played by Marlon Brando

Is he criminally inclined? Well, he’s a rapist and one of the most famous domestic abusers of all time.

Does he get along with family or friends? He can be a bully to Mitch (Karl Malden) and perhaps some of his other friends. As far as the play is concerned, he has a happy enough marriage with Stella (Kim Hunter). However, he doesn’t much care for her sister Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh) at all.

Is he mentally stable? Well, he does make a point about Blanche and is capable of rational thought, but he has an explosive temper. And he’s crying like a baby when Stella tries to leave him. Still, don’t call him a “polack.”

Is he abusive or physically violent? Not only is he verbally abusive to just about everyone, but he also beats his pregnant wife and rapes his sister-in-law. Not to mention, he’s very selfish and controlling.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Not at all.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Absolutely, though Blanche does come close since she moonlighted as a prostitute and got fired from her teaching job for having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy.

Does he respect women? Well, he certainly doesn’t respect Blanche and doesn’t treat Stella much better. Then again, he’s probably not a misogynist because he treats everyone like shit.

Does he care about his love interest? Let’s just say he didn’t marry Stella just because she was from a more affluent background and no matter how bad he treats her, he can’t live without her.

Verdict: Stanley is an abusive and violent man who no one should dare associate with. He’s as bad as everyone makes him out to be.

5. Terry Malloy

From: On the Waterfront, played by Marlon Brando

Is he criminally inclined? His brother is a gangster so probably, though the worst thing he does is help the local crime syndicate knock off his friend Jimmy Doyle.

Does he get along with family or friends? Though he loves his brother Charley (Rod Steiger) his relationship with him is strained. Of course with everyone else, it depends on whether he’s a priest, a stevedore, or a gangster as well as the point in the film. Still, he’s great with kids and pigeons though.

Is he mentally stable? He’s unhappy at himself for his failed boxing career as well as guilty of betraying his friend. He does get better though.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Not really, but if you ever are violent toward him, he will beat you up. Also, used to be a boxer.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? He may not have a boxing career but he does work as a stevedore so, no.

Is he worse than most of the cast? No, Johnny Friendly (Lee J. Cobb) and his associates are much worse including Charley.

Does he respect women? Hard to say since Eva Marie Saint is the only girl in the cast but he’s not a bad guy towards her though and does testify against the people responsible for killing her brother.

Does he care about his love interest? Yes, he certainly does since she was his friend’s little sister and does give her the awful truth.

Verdict: Though Terry may seem bad at first, it’s actually pretty complicated to say since he’s pretty conflicted between his brother and doing what’s right. After Charley is killed, however, he’s certainly not. Still, he doesn’t think well of himself.

6. Heathcliff

From: Wuthering Heights, played by Sir Laurence Olivier

Is he criminally inclined? How he made his fortune is legally questionable so we really can’t say. But he tries to ruin Hindley’s life through legal means.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he’s fine with people who are nice to him and/or don’t betray him. Yet, even that is no guarantee since the Lintons are nice and he treats them horribly, ditto Catherine Earnshaw (Merle Oberon) when she dumps him. Still, with his surrogate family, he’s nice to Catherine’s father but terrible to her brother Hindley.

Is he mentally stable? He has a terrible temper and a vicious streak to make everyone who’s ever wronged him pay. Also, he’s very much prone to self-destruction and has a tendency to drag others with him.

Is he abusive or physically violent? He’s controlling, vengeful, and has a short fuse, especially when she decides to date Linton (David Niven). He’s also terrible to everyone else. As for physically violent, no.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? We can’t really be sure since we don’t know how he made his fortune.

Is he worse than most of the cast? It soon becomes that way since Linton, Hindley, and Catherine made him the monster he became.

Does he respect women? No, since he’s willing to marry one girl he has no feelings for just to get back at her sister-in-law. And he treats his wife like shit. Not to mention, he’s controlling and possessive of Catherine and the two don’t have the healthiest relationship.

Does he care about his love interest? Has been in love with Catherine since they were kids and continues to love her even though they marry other people and have a very destructive relationship. As for his wife, Isabella (Geraldine Fitzgerald) not at all.

Verdict: Heathcliff may not be violent but he is certainly a bad boy since he makes it his mission to ruin people’s lives who wronged him, including Catherine. Definitely not a guy to bring home.

7. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy

From: Pride and Prejudice, played by Sir Laurence Olivier

Is he criminally inclined? No.

Does he get along with family or friends? From what we know of, he tries to be nice to aunt and is very protective of his sister. Also, though he does make his friend Bingley break up with Jane, it wasn’t out of malicious intent.

Is he mentally stable? Most of the time unless you mention George Wickam.

Is he abusive or physically violent? He’s not violent or abusive at all. He doesn’t have a pleasant personality and isn’t the most tactful, however.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? For God’s sake he’s already stinking rich to begin with, probably doesn’t need one.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Well, in regards with social skills probably. Still, other than George Wickam, most of the cast consists of reasonably nice people.

Does he respect women? Absolutely, he knows a bad guy like George Wickam when he sees one even though he may not be the most socially inclined. Not to mention, he’s nice to Elizabeth Bennett (Greer Garson) and her family as well as everyone else.

Does he care about his love interest? Well, he does fall in love with Elizabeth Bennett and they do get married. Besides, he bailed out of an arranged marriage for her and doesn’t need to marry for money so a match with Elizabeth Bennett isn’t going to help him much. So yeah, he certainly cares about her.

Verdict: Though Mr. Darcy has an issue with rubbing people the wrong way, his biggest flaws are poor social skills and having an unpleasant personality. He isn’t a bad boy in the slightest and once you get to know him, you see that he’s a perfectly okay guy. So, ladies, it’s perfectly fine to swoon over him.

8. Hamlet

From: Hamlet, played by Sir Laurence Olivier

Is he criminally inclined? Well, when it comes against his uncle, he may be. Oh, yeah, he does kill Polonius and Laertes.

Does he get along with family or friends? Only Horatio and maybe his servants and a few others. He doesn’t seem to get along with everyone else. Relations with his mom and uncle have been strained since his father died, his uncle took the throne and married his mother. As with Polonius, Laertes, and Ophelia, probably not.

Is he mentally stable? On a few things as it turns out, but he may just be pretending to be nuts most of the time.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Yes, he certainly is since he doesn’t say nice things to Gertrude or Ophelia and he does kill three people including a guy through a curtain. Also, he’s living in the Middle Ages.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? He’s a prince so he’s already born with one and keeping it isn’t really on his mind.

Is he worse than most of the cast? In regards to most of the cast, he’s facing pretty stiff competition.

Does he respect women? When he told Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery” he may not have necessarily told her to go to a convent. Also, he says a lot of terrible things to his mom which probably goes to say he doesn’t really respect women much.

Does he care about his love interest? Remember he told Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery.” Besides, I don’t think Laertes and Polonius believe so he probably doesn’t.

Verdict: Sure Hamlet may have issues with his family, but though he may not be the worst guy on the list, he’s still not boyfriend material.

9. Rhett Butler

From: Gone With the Wind, played by Clark Gable

Is he criminally inclined? Well, he obviously gets rich in legally dubious ways. But he’s not inclined to do anything violent. Oh, wait.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he gets along well with his friends but not so much with his family. Spoils his daughter Bonnie like rotten though he tries to be a good dad. Also, him and Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh) have a tempestuous relationship but pretty much deserve each other. Still, when it comes to certain relationships, he tends to have the wrong ideas and can’t seem to handle Scarlett’s immaturity.

Is he mentally stable? Most of the time except when his daughter dies and when it comes to Scarlett’s association with Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard). He tends be a very jealous guy.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Well, he served in the war. Not to mention, he’s very prone to explode at times and may have raped Scarlett after Ashley’s birthday party and later pushed her down the stairs, which he felt bad about later.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Well, he did serve in the Confederate army but joined up at the last minute. In the civilian world, I’m not sure if he ever tried.

Is he worse than most of the cast? In regards to race and the Old South, definitely not. Still, he’s pretty decent compared to some unsavory characters.

Does he respect women? In regards to women in general, he’s certainly very polite and courteous. Sure he may have his moments with Scarlett but he tries to be good to her.

Does he care about his love interest? Oh, my God, Scarlett is the love of his life and would do anything for her though he does eventually leave her. He’ll probably be back once she grows up a little.

Verdict: Rhett is an interesting case. Sure he may have his moments but he’s pretty repentant about them most of the time and is mostly a decent guy but may not have much understanding about relationships. Still, the way he earns his money makes him a borderline criminal, is very prone to jealousy, and can have the tendency to explode. As far as I’m concerned he’s a toss up.

10. James Bond

From: The James Bond Franchise, mostly played by Sean Connery

Is he criminally inclined? Oh, yes, since he does many things in his job that would put many people in jail.

Does he get along with family or friends? We know nothing about his family but he does cooperate with his co-workers and secretary. Just as long as you don’t try to kill him.

Is he mentally stable? He doesn’t have the healthy lifestyle and may be pretty prone to self-destructive behavior. Then again, self-destructive tendencies make him perfectly suited for his job.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Only toward villains who try to do any harm to him most of the time. Kind of goes with his job.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Well, as long as the job is a way to make good use of his criminal and self-destructive tendencies, which benefit society as a whole.

Is he worse than most of the cast? No, since he’s around people who are much worse than he is. As with the good guys, I’m not sure.

Does he respect women? Well, he’s nice to his female coworkers and most of his flings in the series are usually consensual. Furthermore he’s willing to save them from the bad guys. And will only take them on when he has a legitimate reason to. Sure he may be a playboy who goes for attractive women doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect them. Besides, many of his women are in his line of work so it’s not like they’re looking for a husband or anything so they probably know what to expect.

Does he care about his love interest? He certainly doesn’t just see them as mere gorgeous sex objects like the movies make them out to be. I mean he kind of does see them as human beings and doesn’t really care about their sexual pasts as well as rarely exhibits any abusive behavior. Not to mention, his love interests seem to know that their sexual relationship with Bond will be casual and short-lived and don’t seem to mind. Still, hookup culture may be an accepted norm in the intelligence community in Bond’s setting.

Verdict: Bond may not be someone you’d want in a committed relationship nor a great role model, but though he may be bad at least he admits it and most of the women he’s involved with know what they’re getting into. Still, if you’re looking for a one night stand, you can do plenty worse than 007. He may be a playboy but he’s certainly a gentleman, just don’t expect much from him relationship wise.

11. Johnny Strabler

From: The Wild One, played by Marlon Brando

Is he criminally inclined? Yeah, but his crimes mostly range in stealing, vandalism, street harassment, and causing a public nuisance. He’s certainly a social deviant.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he’s good to his fellow gang members but there’s something about his rebelliousness that suggests he had a troubled childhood.

Is he mentally stable? Judging by the fact he rides a motorcycle without a helmet, you can say he does have a tendency for self-destructive behavior, which does come back to bite him. Also, his anger doesn’t help him much.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Well, he certainly doesn’t play well with others but he’s more violent to objects and rival gang members than regular townspeople.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? If he keeps up with his lifestyle he certainly will.

Is he worse than most of the cast? To some extent, yes, when it comes to the police blotter. But let’s just say members of the rival motorcycle gang in the film is far worse than him.

Does he respect women? Well, he really doesn’t have much respect for anyone. Still, he’s nice to Kathie and her dad’s a cop and rescues her.

Does he care about his love interest? Yes, he does care about Kathie and though he’s attracted to her, he know she’s better off without him and refuses to take her with him. But he does give her a stolen trophy to express his gratitude for all she’s done.

Verdict: Johnny may be a social deviant as well as fairly immature, but he’s mostly harmless other than that. Still, you wouldn’t let this guy date your daughter though. He’s probably a toss up.

12. Mr. Edward Rochester

From: Jane Eyre, played by Orson Welles

Is he criminally inclined? No, except in bigamy and possible domestic abuse but he lives in the 1800s.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he’s willing acknowledge paternal responsibility for a girl who may not be his. Of course, he keeps his wife in an attic. He seems all right with his servants and others and takes a special shine to Jane Eyre (Joan Fontaine).

Is he mentally stable? He might but he keeps his wife in his attic, which may spark considerable doubt on his sanity.

Is he abusive or physically violent? I’m not sure if keeping your wife in an attic qualifies as spousal abuse in the 1800s but it certainly does to me.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? He’s pretty rich so I don’t think he needs one.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Jane’s relatives and teachers were far worse to her than he was.

Does he respect women? Let’s just say he dated a girl just to make Jane jealous or throw off suspicion of his attraction to his governess. Not to mention, he tried to marry Jane even though he already had a wife she didn’t know about. Then there’s the keeping of his wife in the attic thing.

Does he care about his love interest? Let’s just say he probably loves Jane but I’m not sure if he cared about her happiness when he tried to marry her. He certainly didn’t tell her he was already married and kept his wife in the attic. Yet, she still goes back to him.

Verdict: Mr. Rochester may no be the worst guy around but he does have his share of selfishness and the whole keeping his wife in the attic thing. Not to mention, Jane could do better. I’ll just put him at toss up.

13. Clyde Barrow

From: Bonnie and Clyde, played by Warren Beatty

Is he criminally inclined? Yes, and a very notorious one at that who’s even done prison time. The real Clyde Barrow was very much this as well. Said to be a careless and remorseless killer in pursuit of small stakes.

Does he get along with family or friends? Oh, he certainly does get along with his brother and sister-in-law. And he seems pretty decent to Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) as well as fellow criminals and others. In real life, he also had close relationships with his mother and sister. Yet, he wasn’t sympathetic to the dispossessed though and hated cops.

Is he mentally stable? Well, let’s just say he’s very prone to inciting violence and has self-destructive tendencies. Not to mention, he was known for speeding Ford V-8s (even writing to Henry Ford about his appreciation for them).

Is he abusive or physically violent? Well, he’s certainly violent all right.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? If he had one, he certainly would.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Well, he’s a violent criminal who robs banks so I’d say so even if he is portrayed sympathetically. Him and Bonnie weren’t saints.

Does he respect women? When it comes to “his women” he might as in real life. Yet, outside his circle doesn’t seem to respect anyone else. In real life, Clyde mostly called the shots and Bonnie went along.

Does he care about his love interest? Both in the film and in real life it’s hard to say whether him and Bonnie were really in love or that Bonnie was willing to tag along because she might have had a mental disorder that made her attracted to serious violent men remains questionable. As for Clyde’s sexual orientation, there’s considerable evidence he was reasonably straight.

Verdict: No matter what you make of it. Both in real life and in cinema, Clyde was certainly a guy you didn’t want to be around at all.

14. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

From: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, played by Paul Newman and Robert Redford

Are they criminally inclined? Oh, yes, both rob trains and banks as well as kill people. Butch engages in prostitution. But they usually try to avoid killing as much as they could.

Do they get along with family or friends? As long as those people aren’t cops. Yet, they pretty much get along with their friends and Sundance’s girlfriend Etta Place.

Are they mentally stable? Well, let’s just say their sanity is questionable since they tend to expose themselves to danger a lot. And they do eventually get killed. In real life, we’re not so sure.

Are they abusive or physically violent? Well, they shoot people and blow up trains so they’re certainly violent.

Do they have trouble keeping a legal job? They tried to do legitimate work once, it didn’t take.

Are they worse than most of the cast? It’s hard to say since the film is so subjective.

Do they respect women? As far as we know they do since they’re pretty nice to Etta and respect whatever decision she makes.

Do they care about their love interests? Well, they care enough about Etta to respect her decisions even if it doesn’t work in their favor. Still, though she is Sundance’s girl (or wife in real life), Butch may have the hots for her.

Verdict: Sure there could be worse guys than Butch and Sundance, but understand that these guys were criminals and had a gang called “The Wild Bunch” or “Hole In the Wall Gang” and they rob and shoot people.

15. The Jets and the Sharks

From: West Side Story, played by too many guys I can’t list

Are they criminally inclined? Oh, yes, they’re classified delinquents and get in knife fights to kill.

Do they get along with family or friends? I’m not sure about family but they do get along with each other and their girlfriends. Tony from the Jets takes a special shine to Maria, the Sharks gang leader’s little sister.

Are they mentally stable? Well, they’re prone to self-destruction, but it’s hard to say.

Are they abusive or physically violent? Well, they have knife fights with each other that result in deaths so yeah, they’re pretty violent.

Do they have trouble keeping a legal job? Only Tony is ever seen doing any legitimate work but he may have trouble keeping it. Most are supported by their girlfriends, at least among the Sharks.

Are they worse than most of the cast? They are most of the cast.

Do they respect women? It’s hard to say since we never see any of the Jets with their girlfriends besides Tony. Sharks may seem pretty jarring to theirs and I’m not sure if Bernardo knows Maria is seeing Tony. Not to mention, Tony eventually kills him. It’s complicated.

Do they care about their love interests? Tony and Bernardo seem to but once again, it’s complicated.

Verdict: These guys are probably bad news since they get into fights with each other and into knife fights. Best be avoided at all times.

16. Colin Smith

From: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, played by Tom Courtenay (This isn’t a Hollywood movie but it’s a very famous one in Britain so it counts.)

Is he criminally inclined? To an extent but mostly when he’s desperate for money. He does land in juvee though.

Does he get along with family or friends? Gets along with friends and siblings but his relationship with his mother has been going downhill ever since his father died.

Is he mentally stable? As mentally stable as most normal teenagers. He just wants to be a kid.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Not really violent and abusive only when he’s angry.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? His mother puts him under a lot of pressure to get one but he lacks motivation. Yet, he may have no trouble being a professional runner but he doesn’t want that.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Since many of his peers are juvenile delinquents like him, it’s very complicated to say.

Does he respect women? To an extent, I suppose. Doesn’t have much respect for authority though.

Does he care about his love interest? Well, he does have a girlfriend and spends time with her. We don’t know much of the extent of that relationship though.

Verdict: Colin just wants to be a normal teenager and do what he wants with his life. Though he may be a juvenile delinquent, he’s not much of a social deviant as what you’d expect from most teens living in the inner cities. He stole money because his mother wouldn’t let him in the house if he didn’t get any. In short, he kind of makes Charlie Brown look pretty fortunate.

The Cinematic Guide to War

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 20, 2013

War is a very frequent occurrence in movies and present in many genres including action, science fiction, history, fantasy, westerns, adventure, and others. I may not be a military genius, but since I studied history in college, I can say I have a better idea of battle strategy than perhaps the average person. Yet, whether I may have a better understanding than people who play video games is another matter. Still, I know a dumb mistake in war when I see one but there are plenty of people in Hollywood who portray otherwise careless tacticians into tactical masterminds (yet, given they may be considered thus in the context of their times). Also, real wars don’t happen like they do in the movies. Still, you have plenty of moments in war movies in which one side wins the battle on tactics and strategy that would otherwise slaughter them or cause a retreat and plenty of things you either see or don’t see in war that don’t conform to facts. So here is a list of battle strategies and tactics you find a lot in movies which may let the hero succeed but will get a lot of real life soldiers killed or aren’t consistent with real war at all.

1. A great move against your enemy is hiding in a giant wooden wheeled animal that you present to your foe as a token of your surrender before launching a surprise attack behind enemy lines when nobody’s looking. (To be fair, this is how the Greeks won the Trojan War in The Iliad but still, I don’t think the Trojan Horse strategy could really work in real life. I mean if my enemy presented me with a giant wooden horse, I think I’d be very suspicious and so would anyone else with any sense of rationality, especially if you’ve heard Homer’s story.)

2. A tense battle can be won with the light cavalry charging in the middle of enemy lines. (Charge of the Light Brigade, anyone? Still, if you want to charge with cavalry, you’re better off using a heavy cavalry since their attacks have the power, reach, or sheer momentum to penetrate enemy that those of light cavalry lack. Besides, light cavalry are only used for flanking. The disastrous loss of life is what makes the Charge of the Light Brigade so memorable {that and the poem by Tennyson} and why people may not even know anything about the Charge of the Heavy Brigade was successful in the Battle of Balaklava.)

3. The side with the better weapons technology usually wins. (Weapons technology isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, though it does help considerably. However, just because your side may have the latest in military technology, doesn’t mean victory in battle. For instance, you may have guns but if your side is significantly outnumbered, your guns won’t help you. Look at Custer at little Bighorn. Besides, Europeans may have had more technologically advanced weaponry than the Indians, but they probably wouldn’t have been able to colonize so easily if it weren’t for the European diseases they brought with them. For God’s sake, Europeans used muskets while many Indian tribes used bows and arrows.)

4. Friendly fire hardly ever happens during combat. (Friendly fire happens all the time during combat, especially in battles you can’t distinguish those on your side or your enemies as well as involving gunpowder. Sure it’s dumb mistake but it happens all the time regardless of historical period. Of course, you also got “fragging” which is known as friendly fire done on purpose and yes, it can be distinguishable from plain friendly fire.)

5. The side with superior numbers wins. (Usually, yes, but numbers aren’t always everything especially when you consider tactics and strategy involved. Guerrilla warfare can be especially handy strategy when faced with superior numbers as long as your side is on defense. Still, wars have been won by sides with smaller troop counts.)

6. Fighting out of formation and dueling soldiers unsupported aren’t dumb battle mistakes if you’re not using weapons with repeating ammunition. (You see this happen all the time in movies. Look, unless your civilization is in the Bronze Age or fights with weapons with repeating ammo, fighting out of formation and dueling soldiers unsupported is usually not a good idea or serves as a sign that something has gone totally wrong. Any ancient Greek or Roman would tell you this. Not to mention, the Spartans were adamant about their soldiers having their shields with them at all times, even in death so they would certainly have fought in formation. But you wouldn’t know that from 300.)

7. Medieval wars were usually fought with flaming arrows. (Well, using flaming arrows isn’t really a bad idea but they weren’t as often used as medieval movies claim it to be. I mean before you can set the arrows on fire, you had to wrap them in a flaming material first which may make them heavier, reduce their range, and inhibit its ability to penetrate the enemy’s skin. Also, may pose as a fire hazard. So flaming arrows wouldn’t be a handy way to kill someone and medieval soldiers didn’t use them to do so. Yet, whenever they did use flaming arrows, it was usually to frighten the enemy, letting archers know how to adjust their shots, and setting targets on fire.)

8. If you’re playing offense in a medieval battle, always assault the castle first. (Not a good idea. In the medieval world of warcraft, storming a castle was usually done as a last resort, and even then, it usually resulted in a bloodbath to the invaders and would probably not be successful. Not to mention, storming the castle through the front door spelled instant slaughter for invaders {if they did enter the castle, it would usually be through the toilets which wouldn’t be safe either}. Most medieval armies just surrounded the castle and put it under siege cutting it from all avenues of reinforcement until the residents surrender. And even in the most successful of circumstances, these could take years.You could easily see why many royals and nobles built these things.)

9. Castles are usually easy pickings whenever the resident adult males are away. (If you think you could easily take castles in which the resident nobles occupying it are women and children, think again. Women of noble or royal birth in the Middle Ages had sufficient knowledge of warfare and combat training for defending their turf while their men were away. Also, many tradesmen of the era had their wives helping them in their craft so women armorer is possible. So the medieval notion of damsel in distress was probably a myth unless she’s trapped in a castle and being besieged by a force significantly outnumbering her. In that case, you might want to bring reinforcements.)

10. Open field, Napoleonic-style infantry battles will always work even with advanced weapons technology. (Part of the reason why the North had tremendous success later in the American Civil War with generals like Grant, Sherman, and Sheridan is that they deliberately ignored them while many Confederate generals didn’t. Still, regardless of battle tactics, the American Civil War is still the bloodiest one fought on American soil. And this was when Napoleonic-style open field infantry battles were the prevailing military strategy of the day. Also, this was tried at the beginning of World War I. Didn’t work. Sorry, Napoleon, but your military strategy formulas are now obsolete.)

11. Modern warfare can be fought with soldiers only carrying small arms. (No right thinking general wouldn’t even think of sending his or her army into battle without aerial or artillery support. No one would wage a war with just small arms unless they simply have nothing else).

12. Firing as much ammo as possible in the face of anti-armor or anti-air attacks is the best option, especially when firing against a single, agile target. (In the twenty-first century, a simple guided missile will do and so will any time period since its invention. In any setting with gun-wielding soldiers before the invention of the Colt pistol or repeating rifles, this is a waste of ammo.)

13. Don’t fire unless you see the whites of their eyes, even if your guns can shoot beyond visual range. (If you have a weapon that can shoot beyond visual range in a combat zone, use it. Also, if your country has weapons that aren’t beyond visual range, simply don’t fight unless at defense.)

14. It should be seen as common courtesy for the henchmen take on the hero one by one for no clearly explained reason or let the main villain take care of him or her. (Henchmen would achieve much more success if they would just gang up and attack the hero all at once, except if he or she is a wizard.)

15. Only cowardly officers retreat their forces and only cowardly soldiers run away from battle. (On many occasions, leaving a combat zone tends to make perfect sense, especially if everyone around you is getting killed. Also, when it comes to retreats, they usually mean that the officer usually cares about the lives of his or her soldiers than about the outcome of the battle especially if it’s a no-win situation. And they call that cowardice?)

16. Air and space battles are conducted like a Battleship game. (Actually are conducted in three dimensional settings with airplanes willing to hit each other at odd angles. Two dimensional air and space battles are usually portray because they are much easier to show.)

17. When making an attack, it’s always best to wait until the last minute to make a maneuver. (If you’re facing the enemy or an opponent and this isn’t a turn based strategy game, attack now because the enemy certainly will.)

18. Always put your general at your front lines. (As long as him or her fighting is a major part of your strategy or how war in your culture is waged.)

19. Best trained soldiers are those who have been through programs that actively kill, injure, or psychologically destabilize recruits. This is especially helpful if you have a sadistic drill sergeant and a scientist with a drug or technology to keep them alive. (Sorry, but though soldier training programs may be harsh by most civilian standards, they are specifically designed to break down recruits and turn them into competent disciplined soldiers. Hurling them with unnecessary abuse to the point of death, injury, or insanity does not make effective soldiers and is usually avoided. Else, cue to the Monty Python Kamikaze Scotsman sketch where practically every recruit kills himself to complete training. Also, Sparta trained their soldiers this way and their methods eventually came back to bite the Greek city-state in the end.)

20. Always count two to three seconds before throwing a grenade after pulling the needle. (Since grenade fuse could never be precise after you pull the grenade just throw it somewhere where it is least likely to cause injury or else, you may get your hand blown off if you count to two or three seconds. Better yet, make you know where you want to throw a grenade before you pull the needle.)

21. Specialized soldiers are always the best soldiers. (It’s better that you have soldiers who can use almost any weapon or operate any vehicle within the branch.)

22. Collateral damage is nothing you should be concerned about. (Oh, yes, it should be an issue because if you’re fighting in another country, any collateral damage from attacks won’t make the locals happy with you. Also, might even hurt people in your own force.)

23. Strafing is often a simple procedure with hitting ground targets. (Sorry, but it depends on the target, aircraft type, the pilot’s experience, defenses, and other targets. That’s why using military drones is controversial practice.)

24. Battles are fought with no attempt to flank or distract the enemy with covering fire. (Sorry, but real wars just don’t work that way.)

25. Sub-to-sub warfare usually ends when one submarine sinks the other while submerged. (In the long history of submarines, this has only happened once and during World War II when a British sub sunk an German U-Boat. Of course, this only a confirmed case. Most sub-to-sub warfare sinkings usually happened during surface attacks. Submerged submarines have been more likely been taken to a watery grave by either the Bermuda Triangle or sea monsters than by another submerged submarine.)

26. A skilled sniper, gunman, ragtag force, or smaller military force can wipe out a much larger one. (Yes, but to a point but eventually the smaller force will usually end up slaughtered or fighting to the last man. As for those not in a military garrison, best use guerrilla warfare and assault rifles like in Third World nations.)

27. Most war veterans don’t have hearing problems. (Hearing problems are more prevalent among war veterans than any other demographic since many of them were among very loud noises all the time mostly from gunfire.)

28. At a time of war, being a soldier in the Elite and Special Forces usually have the more glamorous jobs. (Glamorous, yes, but let me tell you, if you’re in the military on active duty and care about your life, you’re better off being an average soldier. Face it, being a military Elite has a price, especially at a time of war.)

29. In battle, it’s common for both sides to start in formation and rush at each other at the same time upon collision where any semblance of formation or military discipline vanishes with warriors engaging each other individually. (Formation and military discipline exists to prevent such scenario from happening. If it does, it’s usually a symptom of a force that’s poorly led or disciplined in the first place. Otherwise, such scene results in mass killing and more frequent friendly fire.)

30. If you can’t be seen, you can’t get shot. (In combat professions, concealment and cover are two different things. Concealment doesn’t necessarily mean you’re immune to bullets, it just means your much difficult to hit because you’re less likely to be seen. Also, cover doesn’t make you invisible.)

31. A smaller force with less armor can take a force much larger armored than itself. (Sorry, Zack Snyder, but 300 guys in speedos can’t possibly be willing to kill a force well over twice its size and would’ve been practically obliterated much, much earlier, even if they were totally ripped. Besides, even Spartans knew this and came into battle with full armor.)

32. When it seems that the good guys may not survive, a friendly military force will magically show up. (Sometimes this may happen and sometimes not depending on who you see as the good guy.)

33. Arrow wounds don’t cause serious injuries and are relatively easy to remove. (Actually it depends on what kind of armor you’re wearing whether it be metal or a long silk cape. Still, we have to consider the fact that bows and arrows were the primary range weapons for most civilizations until as late as the 17th century. So yes, an arrow wound can certainly kill you. And if you barely have any armor on you, then being shot by one may make it difficult for you to do anything. This might be because of agonizing pain or your body going into shock. Nevertheless, most of the time removing the arrow is much harder than it looks but simply pulling the shaft out may just leave the arrowhead inside the wound {since shafts and arrowheads weren’t as firmly attached as Hollywood makes them out to be}. Archers would just simply snap the shaft {which is harder than movies make it look since arrow shafts were made from the hardest woods available}, widen the wound either with the knife or wiggling it around. Also, arrow wounds had a strong tendency to be badly infected. Thus, an arrow wound was almost never just a flesh wound.)

	John A. Fenner on Signs of a Sociopath (with Don…
	judy thompson on The Magnificent Judgment at…
	The Very Naughtiest… on NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a…
	మానిఫెస్ట్ డెస్టినీ:… on The Indigenous Peoples of Nort…
	The Wonderful World… on The Wonderful World of Flower…

The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Movies