Original Fairy Tales Part 1

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 10, 2014

Once upon a time, there were stories known as fairy tales with roots in the folk tradition as well as told to generations. They were usually told in a more spare and laconic style with characters defined by their actions and their motives described as short and simple. Almost every culture around the world has them and have widespread variants yet only a handful are known today. Still, while the notion of “fairy tale” means an idealized romance or ending, many of the classic tales we’re told as a child are much darker than what many people realize and wouldn’t be seen as Disney material. Yet, without further adieu, here I will discuss some of the older versions of the stories you all know and love (though this will take a series).

Aladdin

Aladdin and the Genie of the Ring.

How you know it: Middle Eastern orphaned homeless bum with a heart of gold but dreaming of riches is manipulated by an evil Grand Vizier into retrieving a magical lamp in a cave. With the Genie’s help and three wishes, he defeats the evil vizier, wins the heart of a princess, and finds relative security.

The Original Version: Contrary to the Disney movie and other popular adaptations, Aladdin and most of the characters in the original story was supposed to be Chinese. Yet, this can be forgiven since the story’s setting is completely Islamic anyway and doesn’t seem to bear any resemblance to China. Still, this tale wasn’t included in The One Thousand and One Nights or in any other documented source until the 1710 French translation by Antoine Gallard who claimed to have heard it from a Syrian storyteller but many speculate that he made the whole story up since there’s no hard evidence on that claim either (same goes for Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves).

Aladdin and the Genie of the Ring in the cave.

Not only that, but by the time the story takes place, Aladdin’s mother is still alive while his dad died of disappointment when Aladdin preferred being a juvenile delinquent to following his old man in the tailoring business. Nor is he homeless since he still lives with his mom as well who is the first to rub the magical lamp that releases the lamp Genie. Not to mention, he could ask the lamp Genie for an unlimited number of wishes and gets the Sultan’s blessing to marry the princess once he sees the extent of Aladdin’s bank account, granted by the Genie. He also marries the princess early on though he has the Genie kidnap her from her fiancé as well as torment them both every night until they conclude their marriage is cursed and split up where Aladdin then swoops in and romances her. How romantic! Not to mention, he has his own palace before the lamp is stolen. Oh, and Aladdin not just has a magic lamp but also a magic ring he uses to release another Genie who gets him out of the cave as well as transport him to his palace, free his wife, beat the bad guys, and gets his lamp back. Yeah, there are two genies in the original story but the Ring Genie is the main one while the lamp Genie is far more powerful. Oh, and the Magic Ring and Magic Lamp also helped inspire the Green Lantern.

Aladdin and Ring Genie save the day.

As for the Grand Vizier in the original story, he’s more of an obstructive jerk politician than a devious villain but like the Disney version he does want to get rid of Aladdin yet more because he wants his own son to marry the princess (not himself and he’s justified as well). And he tries to do so by stating that Aladdin’s riches and the incredible things he could do must’ve been the result of black magic. The sultan just writes him off for being a sour puss over his own son being passed for Aladdin. Oh, and the Grand Vizier isn’t even the main villain of the original story nor does he steal Aladdin’s lamp. That honor belongs to the evil Moroccan sorcerer named Maghreb who manipulates Aladdin into entering the cave to retrieve the lamp (though we don’t know why he was the only one to enter it. Oh, and he tricks him by saying that he’s his long lost uncle on his dad’s side). He also steals the lamp by simply tricking Aladdin’s wife in to trading the old lamp for a new one and she didn’t know that her husband’s lamp contained a very powerful Genie. He then proceeds to wish for Aladdin’s palace and wife to be moved into his possession. Oh, he has a more evil brother who kills an old woman and dresses in in her clothes but he’s vanquished from the Lamp Genie. Not only that, but Aladdin had to drug the evil sorcerer to get his lamp back.

Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves

Morgiana uses boiling oil on in the jugs hiding the thieves. Poor thieves.

How You Know It: Wood cutter stumbles onto a cave containing a thieving gang’s treasure stash that is opened by saying the magic words “Open Sesame.” He takes some treasure and becomes rich. Later his brother hears about it, makes his way in the cave but is murdered by the robbers due to his greed and short term memory problems. Ali Baba finds his dead brother, retrieves his body, and the thieves go after Ali Baba, too. Yet, they are repeatedly foiled by him and his friends while all the thieves are defeated. Thus, Ali Baba and his associates live happily ever after.

The Original Version: Like Aladdin, this wasn’t included in the original One Thousand and One Nights and in any other documentation before Antoine Gallard’s 1710 translation, and it’s likely he made this one up, too. Oh, and you had to use “Shut Sesame” to close the cave before you left as well. Also, in the beginning of the story, Ali Baba is an older man with at least adult son and he’s only the main character until after he retrieves his brother’s dead body which was cut up into quarters and hung up at the cave entrance to warn others. The hero in the later part of the story is actually his young slave girl named Morgiana (who’s sometimes seen as his wife in some adaptations even if she wasn’t in the original) who stitches Ali’s brother back together for the funeral as well as thwarts the thieves who try to infiltrate Ali Baba’s house by filling up the large jugs containing the other thieves with hot boiling oil. Still, at least she gets rewarded in the end by marrying Ali Baba’s adult son (which earns her freedom in the process) while Ali ends up with his widowed sister-in-law.

Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and Beast. Notice the creative license on the beast.

How You Know It: An ordinary village girl ventures to a mysterious castle (owned by a menacing beast cursed with his form by ignoring an old beggar woman) where her dad is found trapped in after seeking shelter from a winter storm. Girl agrees to be the Beast’s hostage in her dad’s place. While there she finds the Beast develops a romantic attachment to the girl and doesn’t seem so bad as she grows fond of him. One day she asks the Beast to go home to see her sick dad, and he reluctantly agrees but is hampered by people who want to keep her and the Beast apart. Meanwhile the Beast almost loses the will to live before the girl comes back and says she loves him which breaks the spell and turns him into a handsome prince.

The Original Version: There are actually two literary versions of the tale I’ll get into from the 18th century with both of them written by French women as propaganda piece for girls to accept arranged marriages. Of course, since this tale has outlived the practice, its meanings are far more romanticized in later adaptations. The 1740 version was by Gabrielle-Suzanne de Villeneuve and this story is a sprawling and convoluted story filled with contrived coincidences and last minute exposition in which both Beauty and Beast were revealed to be double first cousins, half-fairy (on their mother’s side), and royalty (on their father’s side). It also includes a love triangle in which Beauty is conflicted between the Beast and the handsome prince before finding out that they’re the same person. Also, she has twelve siblings.

Beast as bear proposing the Beauty by going down on one knee.

The second version was written in 1756 by Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont which is moderately close to the Disney version. Yet, there are differences in this version. For one, the heroine was literally named Beauty instead of Belle but since the story takes place in France, this wasn’t much of a change. Still, in Beaumont’s version, her dad is a rich merchant falling on hard times who was on his way home after a trading scheme gone wrong. She also has two materialistic scheming sisters who are the main villains instead of a jealous suitor. Oh, and the two sisters try to keep Beauty home longer than a week after she comes back from the castle simply out of jealousy of her good looks and how well she bears under her various misfortunes as well as conspire to try to get her eaten alive. Yet, they get punished by being turned into stone statues. Not to mention, Beauty volunteers to stay at the Beast’s castle after her dad returns home.

As for the Beast, while unlike in the Disney version, he’s actually nice to Beauty from the very beginning in the Beaumont version, despite threatening to kill her dad. And his house isn’t a bad place either, which includes a garden and everything. Oh, and he keeps asking Beauty to marry him even though she keeps saying no like every night. Yet, she does agree to do so when she realized that the Beast is a kind and caring man which breaks the spell.

Cinderella

Fairy Godmother making pumpkin into coach.

How You Know It: Young noblewoman’s mother dies and father remarries a total bitch with at least two equally bitchy daughters of her own, then disappears (either he dies or is an absent parent to his daughter). The girl’s new stepfamily turns out to be vindictively cruel and makes her work as a servant just for kicks earning her nickname “Cinderella.” When the local prince holds a kingdom wide ball, the they refuse to let her attend. Yet, Cinderella calls on a spirit helper which could be her fairy godmother or a representative of her dead mom who takes pity and prepares her for the ball in which she manages to outshine almost every girl there and win the prince’s heart. However, the spirit’s help comes with a cache is that Cinderella must return by midnight yet when the time comes she rushes off and leaves her slipper at the castle. The prince tracks her down the next day through the lost slipper and once reunited they marry and live happily ever after.

The Original Version: This is a very old story with a lot of renditions, including a traditional Irish version with a guy with big feet named Cinderellis who steals a giant’s shoes. Of course, the most familiar version of Cinderella complete with glass slippers, fairy godmothers, pumpkin coaches, and such was written by a 17th century French guy named Charles Perrault (yet his story has two balls and a less bitchy stepsister while most modern versions have one and the stepsisters have no characterization). The earliest version from Ancient Greece written before the birth of Christ in which Cinderella is a Greek girl named Rhodopis kidnapped and sold into slavery in Egypt and is subject to constant harassment by her co-workers because of her lighter skin tone, sings and dances with her animal friends, has her old master give her red golden slippers, and manages to win the Pharaoh’s heart by having the god Horus steal one of them and drop on the king’s lap. And yes, though Rhodopis doesn’t attend the celebration the Pharaoh makes a decree that all maidens have to try on the slipper and the one whose foot fits would be his Queen. When he arrives at Rhodopis’ place she shows him the other slipper and they live happily ever after. Think of it as Cinderella meets Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat but much less realistic (I mean there’s no way in hell a Greek slave girl could become Queen of Egypt, more like a Pharaoh’s concubine at best). Yet, this version may have very well been based on a true story by Aesop of a Thracian courtesan from the 6th century BCE.

Cinderella rushing to leave around midnight.

There’s even a Chinese version from the 9th century in which Cinderella is named Ye Xian and is the daughter of a bigamous scholar so this means her stepmother’s daughter is her half-sister. Of course, her parents die from plague but her mother is reincarnated into a fish to watch over her little girl in a nearby lake (you could tell that some Buddhist wrote this one). When her stepmother learns of this, she has the fish captured and served to herself and daughter. Ye Xian collects the leftover bones and is told by the spirit to place them on the foot of her bed and her desires would be granted if she requests them of the bones. At the beginning of the Spring Festival, Ye Xian’s stepmother tells her to stay and clean as a spirit tells her to where to find clothes to wear to the event. She enjoys herself at the festival until she rushes home to avoid her stepmother’s detection yet, she leaves a golden slipper behind (notice that the slippers aren’t always glass). The slipper is discovered by a king who resolves to trace the owner’s identity and when he does, he takes Ye Xian as his wife to her joy while the vindictive stepmother and half-sister are crushed to death by an earthquake.

The glass slipper fits.

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on the original Cinderella without talking about the famous Grimm Brothers’ version, which contrary to popular belief isn’t the oldest version (since I said this story has been around before Jesus). It’s actually very much the same as most versions except that there are three balls, she is helped by a tree at her mom’s grave and a couple of doves, and what happens after Cinderella leaves her slipper behind. Let’s just say when the prince comes to her house, the stepsisters try to fit in the slipper by mutilating their feet hoping to fool him. Oh, and once Cinderella is whisked away by her prince, the stepsisters have their eyes plucked out by birds and are forced to live their lives as beggars. Of course, there are even some versions in which Cinderella kills her stepmother, one of them so her dad could marry a servant instead. Oh, and the said servant had a lot of kids, to boot.

The Elves and the Shoemaker

Watching the elves tinker with their overnight shift.

How You Know It: A poor struggling cobbler wakes up to find shoes he planned to create the next morning already made which leads better sales. One day he discovers a few elves carrying on in his workshop and decides to do something to thank them. Prosperity follows.

The Original Version: Unlike many adaptations, there were only two elves in the Grimm version and to show his gratitude, the cobbler decides to make clothes for them. The elves don’t come again but they ushered a new era of business for him. Still, the process of giving clothes to free house-elves in Harry Potter, comes from this tale. Oh, and the cobbler discovered the elves working in his shop on Christmas, which is another reference elves making stuff around the holiday.

The Frog Prince

Frog fetches golden ball for princess.

How You Know It: Princess loses golden ball down a well and a nearby frog offers to retrieve it for her in exchange for a kiss. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

The Original Version: In the Pre-Grimm Brothers’ version there was more than one girl who encountered the frog but it was only the last one who kept her promise to marry him. In the Grimm version, there is just one. Still, the Grimm version doesn’t have the frog ask the princess to kiss him. Rather, he demanded that she kept him near her as a pet, share her food and drink with him as well as sleep on her bed (cue the sexual overtones here). She is repulsed but reluctantly agrees though she goes home without him after she gets her ball back. The frog turns up at the castle and has the king take his side. At first, it’s no problem but come nighttime, the princess refused to let the frog sleep on her pillow and angrily threw him against the wall (once again, cue the sexual symbolism, though in some early versions he’s either burnt or decapitated). To her shock, she finds the frog transformed into a handsome prince, they fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after. Oh, and during this whole time the frog prince’s servant Henry had his heart bound with iron straps to keep it from breaking while he was enchanted, which break in the end.

The Gingerbread Man

Fox eats the Gingerbread Man.

How You Know It: A magical anthropomorphic gingerbread man comes to life out of the oven and runs away from the old couple who baked him. They chase him and fail to catch him and the Gingerbread Man outruns several farm workers and animals taunting them with the phrase “Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me! I’m the Gingerbread Man!” Ends when the fox tricks the Gingerbread Man and eats him.

The Original Version: Actually not an old fairy tale but first appeared in an 1875 issue of St. Nicholas magazine. Yet, this was called The Gingerbread Boy. Still, despite the ending, the Gingerbread Man continues to make appearances in the Shrek movies.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Somebody’s been sleeping and my bed and there she is.

How You Know It: A young blonde juvenile delinquent breaks into the residence of three anthropomorphic bears who were away but forgot to lock the door. Goldilocks proceeds to eat their food, sit on their furniture (destroying a chair in the process), and sleep in their beds. The bears return, see evidence of the break in, and chase Goldilocks out of Baby Bear’s bed when they find her.

The Original Version: This tale has evolved over the years. The original tale of the Three Bears, the bear family lived in a castle and the intruder was a vixen (like a female fox) named Scrapefoot. 19th Century English writer Robert Southey was the first person to publish the tale that he heard as a child yet he accidently thought that the intruder was the wrong kind of vixen who, in turn got changed into a lawless old woman who after not being invited around the bears’ place, decides to go see for herself. She falls out the window and is never seen again but it’s hinted that her fate isn’t good. Oh, and Southey’s three bears are actually all adult males sharing a house in the woods together named, “a Little, Small, Wee Bear, a Middle-sized Bear, and a Great, Huge Bear.” Goldilocks as we know her turned up twelve years later in Joseph Cundalls version just to stop the confusion with other old ladies in other fairy tales but she was called Silverhair for a long time. Also, she wasn’t the only little girl in the tale. Not to mention, the bears were changed into a family in Cundall’s tale since who knows what three bachelor bears living together would be up to.

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel eating the witch’s candy gingerbread house. Of course, the witch doesn’t mind but for different reasons.

How You Know It: Two kids are kicked out by their dad and stepmother and are forced to survive in the woods by themselves making a trail of breadcrumbs so they could come back (but the birds eat them). One day, they stumble onto a gingerbread house in the woods owned by a witch who is initially nice to them but they later find out that she wants to eat them and Hansel finds out he’d be dinner the next morning while Gretel is a servant. The witch asks Gretel to light the oven, she pretends she can’t. Yet, when the witch bends over, Gretel kicks her in the oven, rescues Hansel, and the two live happily ever after.

The Original Version: This tale may have originated during the Middle Ages at the time of the Great Famine of 1315-1317, when people were driven to desperate measures. Kids were abandoned to fend for themselves and there were many incidences of cannibalism. In the original Grimm version from 1812, the woman who drives Hansel and Gretel out was their biological mother and the father also shared the blame for abandoning the kids. There’s an earlier French version called “The Lost Children” where the main villain is the devil and his wife. Now the devil is tricked by the children in much the same way as Hansel and Gretel but the devil works it out and makes a sawhorse to put one of the kids on to bleed. The children feign ignorance on how to get on so the devil’s wife demonstrates (and she tried to help them earlier). When she is lying down helpless, the kids slash her throat, steal the devil’s money, and run off.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack chopping down the beanstalk and sending the giant to his death. Hope his house and mother don’t get smashed.

How You Know It: Poor guy sells the family cow for some magic beans to his mom’s dismay so she throws them out the window. Overnight the beans grow into a massive beanstalk that reaches up to the clouds. Jack climbs the beanstalk and finds a massive castle owned by a giant once he reaches the top that says, ”Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he live or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” Jack makes a few trips the next few days and with the help of the giant’s wife, manages to bag the giant’s gold, the goose that lays the golden eggs, and the magic golden harp. Soon the giant chases him down the beanstalk yet Jack manages to reach the bottom first, grabs the ax, and kills the giant.

The Original Version: The oldest commonly known version was collected by Joseph Jacobs around the turn of the 19th to 20th century. Yet, this story seems to be an amalgamation of many giant killing stories such as “Jack the Giant Killer” (which has roots in Arthurian legend but different and more violent plot) and “The Brave Little Tailor.” It also bears striking similarities the Norse myth called “The Thief of Idunn” which a trickster travels to a giant’s lofty castle and steals a few magic treasures, only to be found out and chased back home, where the giant meets his doom.

Egyptian Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 7, 2014

Ancient Egypt was the home of one of the oldest civilizations on earth that existed for more than half of recorded history known for building the pyramids as well as mummies. Yet, it’s mythology is ancient and complex as well as lacked central authority so many major cities and areas in the region had their own important gods. Myths often got mixed up with gods having different roles, being combined with others to form new composite gods, and different family relationships as old gods fell into obscurity and new gods rose to prominence. Like many of the prominent Egyptian historical figures such as the royal family, the Egyptian gods did screw around with their siblings. Yet, they had animal heads but they took various forms in art mostly taking on symbolic concepts. Also, it was believed that the Egyptian gods were abstract forces anyway so who knows what these people believed the looked like. So without further adieu, I’ll list the more important gods of Egyptian mythology.

1. Ra

The god of the sun and chief deity as well as one of the most important and worshiped deities in Ancient Egypt. Takes many forms and names. Benevolent, but aloof and withdrawn to his important duties.

Domain: Primary sun god as well as sometimes the creator and wind god. King of the Egyptian gods and one of the more important deities for thousands of years. Thus, it goes without saying that he’s the most widely worshiped Egyptian god. Has many other names with each part of the sun or time of day of the sun often having its own name. Also, has a lot of various forms and manifestations as well as traveled on a solar barge. Is often combined with other gods with Atum-Ra and Amun-Ra as the most famous.

Pro: He’s a benevolent deity who embodies the positive and life giving properties of the sun. Is often too busy to be involved with other god’s squabbles since he has many important duties, yet he makes an exception whenever it comes to his archenemy Apophis.

Con: Is often seen as aloof. Tried to avert a prophecy that a child of the sky goddess Nut would be evil by forbidding her to have children on any day of the year (though Thoth managed to find a loophole for her anyway). Also, as Atum-Ra may have created the universe through masturbation, just to let you know.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted in artwork as a man with a head of a hawk, a scarab (in his form of Khepri), or a ram. Also pictured as a full bodied ram, beetle, phoenix, heron, serpent, bull, cat, or lion among others. His symbol is a sun disk. As Amun Ra, his symbols are two vertical plums and the ram headed sphinx.

City: Heliopolis as Atum-Ra and Thebes as Amun-Ra.

2. Hathor

An important goddess in Ancient Egypt, Hathor was one of the most popular and widely worshiped in Ancient Egypt. She was the goddess of love and fertility who helped protect women during childbirth. Yet, she was also a hard drinking party girl you didn’t want to anger.

Domain: Goddess of love, music, dance, drunkedness, fertility, miners, foreign lands, motherhood, beauty, and joy. An important goddess for women and one of Egypt’s most paramount sky deities as well as one of the most significant in Ancient Egypt. Worshiped by royalty and common people alike in whose tombs she’s depicted as “Mistress of the West” welcoming the dead into the next life. In some stories she’s depicted as the wife, daughter, or mother of Ra and sometimes the wife and mother of Horus. Yet, like Ra, she has other manifestations as well. Also one of the oldest gods with predynastic origins.

Pro: She’s a benevolent fun personified goddess as well as said to help women in childbirth. Also, she was very popular among the Ancient Egyptians who had more festivals dedicated to her as well as more children named after her than any other deity in Ancient Egypt. Never suffered from depression or doubt.

Con: Don’t get me wrong but she has a bad side as well as is single minded in pursuit of her goals and has a real nasty alter ego in the form of Sekamet (depending on the version). Not to mention, she’s been linked with just about every major god in the Egyptian pantheon in different versions of the mythology. Also, she’s a hard drinking party girl.

Symbols and Motifs: Often pictured in the form of a cow or a human with cow ears. Her symbol is the sistrum.

City: Dendera.

3. Set

While he was originally depicted as a powerful badass deity, Set was later significantly demonized as a god of evil after he was worshiped as the chief god of the Hyskos. Then again, he did kill his brother and tried to rape his own nephew. Also, don’t ask me what the animal his head is supposed to represent.

Domain: God associated with chaos, storms, disorder, violence, foreigners, and the desert. Originally he was a powerful protective deity for Upper Egypt guarding Ra on his nightly trips to the underworld and was the only god who could defeat Apophis as well as resist his hypnotic gaze. He was increasingly villainized after Egypt united and Horus worship became dominant, particularly after the Hyskos invasion (a people who identified him as their chief god). Most famous for killing his brother Osiris for the Egyptian throne, and contesting his nephew Horus over it.

Pro: Before Egyptian unification, he was quite the badass in upper Egypt who was the only god capable of defeating Apophis, which was the main reason why Ra employed him on his solar boat in the first place. His favorite food was lettuce which he ate for his fertility problems (being a god of the desert could do that). Also, has ties to a trickster archetype since he’s also capable of shape shifting and he did relent when Horus got his throne back (though he was humiliated in the process). Also, had a following by the Ramaseid dynasty for a time in the New Kingdom who were great fans of his.

Con: Let’s just say that as Horus got popular, Set was increasingly demonized, especially after Egypt was invaded by a people who worshiped him as their chief god. Killed his brother Osiris for the throne (and possibly for screwing his wife Nephthys {which was more her fault than his} or because Nephthys wasn’t as hot as Isis) and chopped him into 14 pieces and would later (rape or at least try to or perhaps had consensual sex with) his nephew Horus (who challenged him for the throne). His relationship with Nephthys is rather dependent on how people perceived him.

Symbols and Motifs: We’re not sure what animal on his head is supposed to represent which could either be completely made up or the depiction was stylized until it became unrecognizable. Yet, he’s also associated with many animals including jackals, antelopes, hippos, snakes, wild boars, asses, and crocodiles. His symbol is the was-scepter.

City: Ombos and Sepermeru.

4. Bastet

Bastet is the one and only cat goddess to the greatest cat loving civilization in history. Sure she may be a benevolent deity but she can also be quite fierce, especially since she originally appeared in Lower Egypt as an intimidating lioness goddess.

Domain: A cat goddess associated with the sun, fertility, music, dance, protection, joy, love, and lionesses. Was very popular with children and common folk because protected them and kept their fields safe from crop destroying pests (which cats do by eating rats and mice). Called “Lady of the East.”

Pro: She’s a kind hearted cat lover who uses cats to protect the fields from being invested by vermin. After all, she was very popular in Egypt since she in the pantheon of one of the great cat loving civilizations of history. I mean they even mummified cats for God’s sake. Also, kind of a badass since she was seen as the defender of the pharaoh.

Con: She was originally a savage lion goddess akin to Sekhmet in Lower Egypt and could be quite aggressive. When she became a protective deity, her role in the pantheon would diminish as Sekhmet became more prominent after unification.

Symbols and Motifs: She’s often appears as a lioness and, well, small domestic cat. Her symbols are the lion, cat, and sistrum.

City: Bubastis

5. Sekhmet

The lioness headed goddess Sekhmet is perhaps one of the fiercest goddesses in the Egyptian pantheon. You don’t want to be caught in one of her violent rampages if you ask me. Still, please don’t call her a cougar. Just don’t.

Domain: A darker counterpart of Bastet and Hathor. A lioness goddess originating in Upper Egypt specializing in war, poisons, vengeance, medicine, menstruation, and plagues. It’s said that her breath formed the desert as well as was seen as a protector of pharaohs and led them in warfare. Sometimes seen as a daughter to Ra.

Pro: Well, she’s a badass who’s seen as the protector of pharoahs and led them in warfare. In Upper Egypt, she was also associated with healing. I mean they worshiped her and had festivals in her honor for a reason. One of her nicknames was “(One) Before Whom Evil Trembles” as well as “One Who Is Powerful.”

Con: She’s a bloodthirsty maniac who went on an almost unstoppable rampage until Ra tricked her into getting drunk with blood colored beer. Among her nicknames are, “Mistress of Dread”, “Lady of Slaughter” and “She Who Mauls.” She’s kind of like a female Ares though let’s just say Ares may be nicer than her in comparison.

Symbols and Motifs: Well, she’s often depicted as a lioness, of course. Her symbols are a sun disk, red linen, and a lioness.

City: Ijtawy, Leontopolis, and Memphis

6. Nephthys

As the more benevolent and more human looking gods, Nephthys is an embodiment of the death experience, divine assistance, and protective guardianship. She helped Isis put Osiris together as well as raise Horus. Yet, in the more popular legends, she’s said to conceive Anubis with Osiris but dressing up as Isis.

Domain: A funerary goddess associated with death, service, lamentation, and nighttime. Wife and sister of Set though the nature of their marriage is dependent on how the Egyptians perceived Set at the time and in some stories, the mother of Anubis (but with Set, Osiris, or Ra). As the cult of her brother Osiris took prominence, she eventually became associated with death and the afterlife despite her original nature being unknown.

Pro: In the underworld she protects and guides souls of the dead and is a rather benevolent goddess. Helped Isis raise Horus and gather pieces of Osiris after his murder. Said to represent divine assistance and protective guardianship.

Con: In some stories, she’s said to disguise herself as Isis and slept with Osiris, which was a way how Anubis was conceived. This was one of the reasons why Set wanted to kill Osiris.

Symbols and Motifs: She’s usually depicted as a young woman. Her symbols are the house and mummy wrappings.

City: Sepermeru, and Diospolis Parva.

7. Anubis

Anubis is the jackal headed god of mummification, judge of souls, and lesser god of the dead as well as the more recognizable of the Egyptian gods. Contrary to many depictions, isn’t an evil guy but is certainly cool if you know what I mean. Yet, he’s now a sex symbol among the furries for some reason.

Domain: God of mummification, judge of souls, and lesser god of the dead as well as the most recognizable of Egyptian gods. Parentage is disputed and varies through source though the most famous account says he’s the son of Osiris and Nephthys through an affair (or rape by deception on her part) but raised as Set’s son. Known for weighing a dead person’s heart against the feather of Maat. Originally one of the more important gods of the dead before Osiris surpassed him. Now a modern sex symbol among the furries.

Pro: Despite being a jackal headed god of the dead, he had great compassion for humanity which led to Set abandoning him. Was also an ally of Horus against Set and helped Isis put Osiris together again.

Con: Has often been depicted as a bad guy in films like The Mummy even though he was far from it. Not to mention, despite his cool jackal head, he plays almost no role in the Egyptian myths. Oh, and if your heart is too heavy, he feeds it to Ammut, Devourer of the Dead.

Symbols and Motifs: Often depicted with a jackal head but is seen as a full jackal in Old Kingdom renditions. His symbols are the fetish and the flail.

City: Aysut and Cynopolis.

8. Osiris

Osiris may look badass in his picture with his blue-green skin but he is one of the big distressed dudes from Egyptian mythology who Set killed after tricking him into a coffin and throwing him in the Nile before chopping him up in several pieces across Egypt. Also, he died after being first resurrection following sex with Isis. Yet, he still got to be Lord of the Dead.

Domain: God of the afterlife, fertile vegetation of the Nile valley, and of resurrection of rebirth. Son of the primordial gods Geb and Nut as well as husband and brother of Isis (as well as brother to Nephthys and Set) and father of Horus. Oversees the weighing of the heart and lets souls enter the afterlife if they pass the test. Very prominent example of a Life-Death-and-Rebirth god. King of Egypt after his father (or Ra) stepped down and before Set would murder and chop him into 14 pieces scattered around the Nile area. Yet, despite being resurrected, he was unable to return home and became the ruler of the land of the dead.

Pro: Considered a merciful judge of the dead in the afterlife as well as the underworld agency that granted all life, including spouting vegetation and the fertile flooding of the Nile River. Has nicknames like, “Lord of Love,” “He Who Is Permanently Benign and Youthful,” and “the Lord of Silence.” Pharaohs were often associated with Osiris in death as he would raise from the dead they would, in union with him, inherit eternal life through a process of imitative magic. Was widely worshiped as Lord of the Dead until the Christian Era and would soon eclipse Anubis and Set in popularity.

Con: He’s also one of the first examples of a distressed dude with the misfortune of unintentionally sleeping with Nephthys (in some stories) and trusting his power hungry brother Set afterwards which may have led to his murder when Set tricked him into entering in a coffin and threw him into the Nile. Oh, and when Isis found his body, Set tore it apart and scattered the pieces across Egypt. Thanks to Isis and Anubis, Osiris was reassembled and equipped with a new golden penis (his original got eaten by a fish) as well as resurrected twice, but was never allowed to rejoin the world of the living. The first time he was resurrected, he died almost immediately after having sex with Isis and impregnating her with Horus. The second time, he was shuffled off to the underworld to rule over the dead as a powerful god and venerated as one of Egypt’s chief deities, which is a pretty good deal since the Egyptian underworld is more akin to heaven than in other mythologies but still. Still, he was no badass.

Symbols and Motifs: Often depicted with blue or green skin since he’s well, dead, kind of like a zombie. His symbols are a crook and flail, the Atef crown, ostrich feathers, fish, and mummy gauze.

City: Abydos.

9. Isis

Isis is seen an ideal as the ideal wife and mother in Egyptian mythology as well as a competent queen and skilled sorceress to boot. Best known for restoring her husband-brother Osiris to life as well as securing her son Horus’ claim to the throne of Egypt. Though seen as a benevolent goddess, she can be quite a bitch at times.

Domain: Goddess of magic, healing, health, marriage, love, children and motherhood as well as protector of the dead. Best known for her struggles against her brother Set to rescue her husband and brother Osiris and secure the Egyptian throne for her son Horus. Seen as an important representation of the pharaoh’s power who was depicted as her child who sat on the throne she provided and artistic representations with the two of them had influence of the Madonna and Child paintings in Western iconography. Was a very popular goddess in Egypt as well as beyond.

Pro: Worshiped as the ideal mother and wife by the Egyptians and was a friend of slaves, sinners, artisans and the downtrodden. Yet, she also listened to the prayers of the wealthy, aristocrats, and rulers. Put Osiris back together and back to life (though only long enough to conceive Horus). Still, she is a skilled queen and very powerful sorceress. Also, she’s said to accept Anubis as her stepson at least in the stories in which Osiris is his father.

Con: Despite being seen as a benevolent goddess and paragon of motherly virtue, she has a dark side and was well known to be as deceptive as she is clever. She convinced Ra to tell her his secret name by poisoning him as well as tried to get him to step down so Horus could assume the throne. In one tale, when Horus informs her of Set either (raping or having consensual sex with him) and shows her his hand with Set’s semen, she berated him and cut off his hand. Doesn’t help that she shares a name with an Islamic terrorist organization. Then there’s how she managed to conceive Horus with Osiris, once the latter was, well, dead.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman but can sometimes have wings. Her symbols are the throne, the sun disk with cow’s horns, sparrow, cobra, vulture, and sycamore tree.

City: Abydos and Philae.

10. Horus

Horus is the falcon headed god of the sky and is associated with the Pharaohs with each of them being his earthly incarnation. He’s best known as the god who struggles against Set to avenge his father’s death and claim the throne of Egypt as his own. Still, you don’t want him to serve you a salad.

Domain: God associated with the sun, moon, sky, righteous vengeance, protection, and kingship. While he’s usually seen as the son of Osiris and Isis, in some stories, he’s their brother (though this could be a different Horus since the name could apply to half a dozen gods and in other accounts he’s depicted as Hathor’s son and possibly his wife). Nevertheless, he’s one of the oldest Egyptian deities worshiped since the Predynastic era to Greco-Roman times. He was also the first known national god in Nekhen in Upper Egypt. Still, the Egyptians considered their pharaoh to be the avatar/personification of Horus on Earth and was one of the reasons why many of Egypt’s female Pharaohs wore fake beards and dressed up as men during their rule. His eyes were thought to be the sun and the moon.

Pro: Let’s just say when his mother Isis struggled secure Horus’ claim to the Egyptian throne over Set, she didn’t have to do much other than raise him, which seems to have paid off. Horus is a genuine badass and had many battles with Set not only to avenge his father’s death but also come on top as the rightful ruler of Egypt despite being blinded and perhaps raped by Set in the process (well, he’s said to lose one eye). Said to cover his wound with a divine serpent Ureaus.

Con: However, in some versions of the myths of his struggle against Set, he may have had what may amount to “hate sex.” Also, even when Set was seen as a not so evil deity, he was still the guy’s rival and their fight was originally a constant struggle. Not only that, but Horus used his own semen on a salad and served it to Set (don’t try this at home, please). Oh, and in one myth, he’s said to have chopped off his mom’s head in a fit of rage when he found out Isis couldn’t destroy Set since he was her brother. Then there’s the fact, he may not be the only Horus in Egyptian mythology.

Symbols and Motifs: He’s mostly depicted with a head of a falcon and sometimes as one himself. In his younger representation, he’s depicted as a normal stunted kid. His symbols are the wedjat eye and the pharaoh crown itself as well as the beard.

City: Nekhen and Behdet Edfu.

11. Bes

Sure he may not look like much but Bes is one of the oldest and most popular Egyptian gods. He was known as a champion for everything good and enemy to everything evil. Still, you didn’t want to mess with him.

Domain: Protector of households and in particular children, mothers, and childbirth. Later came to be regarded as defender of everything good and enemy of all that was bad as well as symbolized the enjoyment of life. Though originally thought to be an import from Nubia, recent archaeological evidence suggests he was one of the oldest Egyptian gods even though he wouldn’t enjoy widespread popularity until the New Kingdom.

Pro: Aside from being a deity, he was also a demon fighter as well as could strangle bears, lions, and snakes with his bare hands. Could scare off evil spirits by dancing, shouting, and shaking his rattle. His image appeared on many things in Ancient Egypt, including on the thighs of musicians and dancers.

Con: One of the ugliest gods in the Egyptian pantheon. Also, had no temples and no priests ordained in his name. Oh, and he’s not depicted much in the Egyptian myths.

Symbols and Motifs: Originally depicted as a lion and later as a bearded dwarf. His symbol is an ostrich feather.

City: None.

12. Thoth

The Ibis headed Thoth is a god that wears many hats as well as credited with inventing writing and most areas of knowledge. Plays a roles in a lot of myths as a mediator between good and evil.

Domain: God of the moon, wisdom, knowledge, hieroglyphics, medicine, astronomy, science, magic, and writing. Played many vital and prominent roles in Egyptian mythology such as maintaining the universe and along with Maat stood on Ra’s boat. He was later heavily associated with the arbitration of godly disputes, the arts of magic, the system of writing, the development of science, and the judgment of the dead. Served as scribe to the gods, Ra’s counselor and secretary, and the mediating power between good and evil as well as made sure that neither had a decisive victory over the other. Said to be master of physical and divine law and was believed to be self-created.

Pro: He was probably a true renaissance god credited by the Egyptians as the inventor of writing and most if not all the areas of knowledge. Whenever a god was seriously injured in a fight, he would heal them. As arbitrator, he oversaw three epic battles between good and evil and was a great help to Isis after Osiris was murdered. He also restored Horus when he was slain and in one myth was responsible for tricking Sekhmet into drinking blood-colored wine which ended her rampage. Always spoke the words that fulfilled the wishes of Ra.

Con: Usually remains neutral in many situations. Also, he was credited by the Egyptians for inventing hieroglyphics which everyone knows was a very difficult writing system.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted with the head of an ibis though sometimes appears as a baboon. His symbols are a moon disk and papyrus scroll.

City: Hermopolis.

13. Sobek

Sobek is the god of the Nile and fertility which basically makes him seem as a good Egyptian deity. However, as a god, he is violent and hedonistic who lives up to his sacred animal.

Domain: God of the Nile, water, the military, pharaonic power, and fertility. In Ancient Egypt, he was complex god who was sometime revered and sometimes reviled as well as rather ambiguous in terms of worship. Served as a protective deity against the Nile’s dangers. Was particularly popular during the Middle Kingdom.

Pro: During the Middle Kingdom, he was associated with Isis as a healer of Osiris and was said to assist her in Horus’ birth. His protective powers and strength were valued when used in the defense of Pharaoh and his people. Could protect the justified dead in the underworld as well as restore their sight and senses.

Con: He is considered a violent, hyper-sexual, and erratic deity prone to his primal whims. Among his nicknames were, “he who loves robbery,” “he who eats while he also mates,” and “pointed of teeth.” Also, was said to be paired with a number of goddesses as well as was said to take women from their husbands whenever he felt like it.

Symbols and Motifs: His main symbol is the crocodile and is often depicted as either this or with a head of one. Crocodiles were raised and mummified in his name (yes, the Egyptians mummified those animals, too.)

City: Kom Ombo, Faiym, and the appropriately named Crocodilopolis.

14. Maat

Maat is the goddess of truth, justice, and order and it’s her feather that is weighed against a person’s heart to see if it goes to the afterlife. Other than that, it’s all she does.

Domain: Personfication of truth, balance, order, law, mortality and justice. Seen as a goddess regulating the stars, seasons, and the actions of both mortals and deities, who set order of the universe from chaos at the moment of creation. She was more of an idea than a goddess yet her primary role dealt with the weighing of souls in the underworld that were considered to reside in the heart. Weighing someone’s heart against the feather determined which people got into the afterlife and who did not. Sometimes seen as the daughter of Ra as well as the wife of Thoth.

Pro: She was central to the conceptions of the Ancient Egyptian universe and was seen as a balance of divine order as well as prevents chaos from reigning supreme. It was thought everything would be lost without her.

Con: She has been represented in Egyptian mythology more as an idea than as a goddess. Also, doesn’t have much personality.

Symbols and Motifs: She’s usually represented as a young woman, sometimes with wings. Her symbol is an ostrich feather.

City: All ancient Egyptian cities.

15. Apophis

As the undisputed snake god monstrosity of evil Apophis seeks to reduce the entire universe to a void. Yet, he’s literally invincible and can’t really be permanently defeated so Ra has to battle him every night.

Domain: An embodiment of chaos and god of darkness, storms, earthquakes, and basically anything harmful. Attacked Ra and his entourage every night as they traveled through the underworld and had a hypnotic gaze he used to swallow them which caused a solar eclipse if he succeeded.

Pro: Well, he’s considered as all powerful and being from the land of the dead, he can’t be killed. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Ra’s case.

Con: Where to begin? I mean he was considered as the Ancient Egyptian god of evil that even the other chaotic gods hate him. All the souls he devours cease to exist and used his hypnotic gaze to lure the gods before eating them which only Set could resist. His mission is to reduce the entire universe into a void and Egyptians wouldn’t dare speak his name, let alone worship him.

Symbols and Motifs: Always depicted as a giant snake.

City: None because he wasn’t worshiped at all.

16. Tawaret

Taweret is the big hippopotamus looking goddess known for protecting expectant mothers. Certainly doesn’t adhere to traditional goddess beauty standards yet manages to have multiple lovers and is always seen pregnant. Guess she’s doing something right.

Domain: A protective goddess of childbirth and fertility. Though not a chief god, she was a popular household deity, especially in Middle and New Kingdom Egypt. In the Old Kingdom, she was seen as the wet nurse of the Pharaoh. Said to look constantly pregnant and linked to be married to Apophis and Set (as well as romantically linked to other gods, particularly Sobek).

Pro: She’s seen as a benevolent goddess as well as a protector of women (especially if they’re pregnant). When married to Set, she tries to restrain his evil impulses to protect humanity.

Con: She was initially seen as a more aggressive and unpleasant goddess, before she was known as a protector of expectant mothers. She’s always unfaithful to her husband though nobody seemed to care. Yet, you’d wonder why how she gets around because she’s not an attractive goddess by any means.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a bipedal hippopotamus with the paws of a lion, women’s breasts, and the back of a Nile Crocodile. Her symbols are the sa, ivory dagger, and the hippopotamus, naturally.

City: Not applicable, she was a household deity worshiped throughout Egypt.

The Wonderful World of Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 7, 2014

Here is a bronze statue of “First Down” Archabbot Bonifice Wimmer in front of Saint Vincent Basilica and founder of Saint Vincent College, Saint Vincent Seminary, and Saint Vincent Archabbey. Of course, one of my reasons of posting this picture is because I attended Saint Vincent College from 2008-2012 graduating with a B. A. in history. Good times.

While my last post focused on painting, this one pertains to sculpture, another medium of artistic expression. Yet, as seen with the above picture of the late Boniface Wimmer, the founder of my college alma mater, sculpture can be found everywhere and are seen all over the place. For instance, Pittsburgh has a lot of statues of dinosaurs for some reason and not just in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History or the Carnegie Museum of Art. They also have plenty of dinosaurs outside that could be dressed a doctor or businessman. There’s even a T-Rex in the same attire of Mr. Rogers (Yes, he has his own dinosaur there and at Saint Vincent College since Latrobe was his hometown, look it up.) Still, enough with the local sculpture scene but I’m illustrating a point here. Yet, they also come in a variety of shapes and sizes from something you can hold in your hand, to ones larger than buildings which you can get inside of. And they can be cast in bronze, carved from marble, or from plenty of other materials. Yet, in this post I’m not going to talk about the great sculpting masterpieces. Instead, I’m focusing on works that should be recognized for sheer badness that they could be considered funny. So without further adieu, here are some of the tacky sculpture worthy of recognition. (I’m also keeping names anonymous here as well so will be the locations. Also, may contain some improper imagery.)

1. Bad Dog

Based on the best selling children’s book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.

Nothing expresses a male dog’s urge disregard for civilization than a giant one peeing on a building.

2. Burnside Fountain or “Turtle Boy Love Statue”

If your kids want to know what bestiality is, this is a good illustration to show them.

Now what kind of sick demented artist could ever come up with this idea? This is kind of depraved or so it seems. And who in their mind could ever think of having this on display? Then again, sure is a good way to attract tourists and earn notoriety.

3. Washington as Zeus

Okay, kids, who wants to see our first US president shirtless and wearing a dress?
Of course, he’s also remembered for his great biceps, said no American historian ever.

Because it’s seems very unsettling to see the Father of his Country sporting a toga and a six pack. For God’s sake even the Lincoln Memorial statue depicts “The Great Emancipator” in his own period appropriate clothes.This is a very famous piece by the way and part of the Classical style at the time, but still.

4. Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boosts Mel Gibson's ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boost Mel Gibson’s ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Sure William Wallace was a great Scottish hero but no one seemed to get around with giving him a statue until after Braveheart. Of course, the reasons are obvious.

5. Ballerina Man

Now that’s incredibly creepy and I’ve seen Black Swan and The Dark Knight.

Part clown, part ballerina, this statue will not only give your kids nightmares but also make it impossible to determine the figure’s gender.

6. El Mesteno

And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?

Giant horse statue- majestic. Giant blue horse statue- weird but all right. Giant blue horse statue with demonic red eyes – terrifying.

7. Boll Weevil Monument

Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.

Nothing makes your town more memorable than having a statue depicting an agricultural pest as a sacred animal.

8. Spomenik

I wonder if this statue has ever been mistakened for Darth Vader’s vacation home.

A kind of monument that could be mistaken for something the Galactic Empire would erect to remind everyone else that they run your planet now.

9. Mr. Rogers

For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this. Maybe I don’t see anything about a giant bronze cast Mr. Rogers putting his tennis shoes on as something I shouldn’t be afraid of.

Somehow this statue of Mr. Rogers doesn’t really do justice to his good neighbor reputation. I mean a bronze cast of him tends to make him better suited for a Tim Burton movie than the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

10. Blue Longhorn Bull

His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.

Complete with extra long horns and a steady diet of shrooms. Did I mention the horns and hooves were silver?

11. Fighting Stallion Monument

Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?

Is it just me, or do those two horses don’t seem to be fighting for some reason? Reminds me more of a horse version of Brokeback Mountain to me.

12. Man Hanging Out

I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.

Now really, why would anyone think of creating a hanging man statue and then suspending him over the street? I wonder how many tourists are told by police, “Don’t worry, he’s not committing suicide. He’s always been like that since he was cast in bronze.”

13. Melting Cow

Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn’t able to get back on its feet. Also, what’s with the giant popsicle stick sticking out the cow’s ass?

Now this has to be influenced by a hallucinogenic drug induced surrealist dream. Or do cows actually melt when they hit the ground?

14. Cocozao

It's one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It's another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit from the clouds? Yeah, that's probably it.

It’s one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It’s another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit on the city from the clouds? Yeah, that’s probably it or the designer was a twelve-year-old boy who thought it was a dandy way to attract tourists with a shit fountain.

Believe it or not, it’s said to represent the Araucaria Pine. Looks like a giant turd on a stick. Did I mention it’s a fountain?

15. Mothman

Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.

Said to by a mythological creature rumored to live in a dynamite factory under a centuries old curse. Still, most people might see it as a robotic man moth version of a Godzilla adversary.

16. Peter the Great

He’s on top of how many ships? Seriously, if anyone should be honored for founding a navy, one will simply do the trick. Several on top of each other is kind of overdoing it by a lot. I wonder if Peter is compensating for something here.

When I’m on a boat isn’t good enough. Still, as iconic as Peter the Great was for a Russian Czar, this statue is just plain ugly as well as an imposing eyesore. Good God, who was crazy enough to design this? Then again, czars were ruthless autocratic monarchs and Peter was a bit nuts.

17. Quetzalcoatl

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic heritage, what does this statue say about Mexico? Sorry if I offended any Mexicans. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit.

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic culture and heritage, what does this statue say about them? Sorry, Hispanics, no offense. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit. Still, the Hispanic community must seem a little insulted by how a statue meant to celebrate their heritage and culture resembles a gigantic dog turd.

Serpent Aztec God of Humanity, large snake, or giant dog turd?

18. Peace Statue

I’m not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.

Because nothing is a better personification of peace than a naked stand-in for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz

Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide. Be sure you don’t get on her bad side since she has a detachable tail under her dress as well as forked venomous tongue.

This woman was famous for being the wife of King George III, mother of George IV and William IV, and gave birth to fifteen kids, as well as grandmother to Queen Victoria. She has plenty of royal descendants all over the European royal families as well as a city in North Carolina named after her. Yet, here she’s depicted as a lizard queen.

20. The Giant Spider

It’s coming to get you. Tell me, you’re not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.

Now how would any agoraphobe would want to go to work having to see this every day? Not very pleasant. Also, who ever thought of erecting a statue of something that is more appropriate for a horror movie?

21. The Struggle Against World Terrorism

Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don’t notice any resemblance. Of course, it’s said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.

Is it just me but does this statue seem to resemble what one 9/11 survivor called “a cross between a scar and a female sex organ?” And this was erected to honor 9/11 victims?

22. Walter Johnson

Seriously, what’s with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he’s related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he’s the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.

Nicknamed “Big Train” and famed for being the greatest pitcher in baseball history, this statue depicts him as a four armed character more suited for a video game or the X-Men.

23. General Nathan Bedford Forrest

Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo’ negro asses. Still, it’s one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who’s tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It’s another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.

Confederate hero on a golden horse and all out nutcase from this statue. Also, doesn’t help that he’s said to have found the KKK and may have ordered a massacre of Union soldiers.

24. Bl. Father Junipero Serra OFM

I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it’s hard to take such a figure seriously if he’s depicted like a giant cartoon character.

Sure this guy may be on the road to sainthood but I can’t help but wonder if he’s the mascot of the San Diego Padres.

25. Tugendbrunnen or “Fountain of the Virtues”

For some reason, someone had the great idea of the fountain spraying the water from the horns of angels and the women’s nipples in high pressure lactation. Guess Renaissance sculptors weren’t as wholesome as you thought they would. Well, at least they weren’t men spraying water from their, well, you know.

Sure this may be a famous fountain designed during the Renaissance but look closer and you see this may be more appropriate adorning the Renaissance equivalent of The Playboy Mansion than any public square. And yet this is a public fountain.

26. Bl. Pope John Paul II

Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don’t know.

Of course, what better way to honor the late Holy Father who helped bring down Communism than this bronze statue of him with a head almost like Mussolini and barely anything underneath his long flowing cloak? This is what the Vatican calls “a permanent and sacrilegious mud stain” on the late pope’s memory. Sacrilegious or not, it sure is an ugly example of minimalistic modern art.

27. Martin Luther King Jr.

This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It’s creepy.

Sure Martin Luther King Jr. was a great civil rights leader who helped end racial segregation in the South. Yet, I’m not sure if an appropriate way to honor him would be putting his bust on a large silver ball.

28. Vigelands Parken Man Kicking Babies

Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.

Sure this may be some legendary figure in Norway, but what reason would anyone want to see a statue of a naked man hurting babies? This is sick! What do you mean the tykes are evil genii? Still, doesn’t make it right.

29. WWII Memorial Statue

Clearly he’s a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he’s been in a stony mood for ages. He may want some friends like the guys on Mount Rushmore or Stone Mountain.

Or as I’d like to call it “Mean Man of the Mountain.”

30. Mother Motherland

With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling “Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!” Definitely a mother who strikes fear in her own children like the Soviet Union and satellite Cold War nations.

She may be the personification of Mother Russia but she is sure fierce and can kill you like the Russian winter or the KGB.

The Wonderful World of Painting

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 6, 2014

The only masterpiece you will ever see in this blog post.

For centuries works of art like the firing squad painting above have always moved us and influenced our culture each in a piece’s own special way. Unfortunately The artworks I’m showing in this post do none of that but are still noteworthy in its own way for their sheer badness and their tendency to incite shits and giggles. Also, many of them may tend to make my art major sister at VCU wish she was in front of Goya’s firing squad as shown above. Still, just for the record, I’m keeping many of the artists’ names anonymous for good measure because no one wants to be recognized for art so bad it becomes unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a list of all the great artistic blunders. (I will be showing nude pictures in this since this is an art post, just so you know. And fortunately, for my sister, I’m certainly not showing anything by Thomas Kinkade for I know better than to post pictures of his disasterpieces. This is bad art you can enjoy for it’s own sake.)

1. Lucy in the Sky with Flowers

From The Museum of Bad Art: "The motion, the chair, the sway of her breast, the subtle hues of the sky, the expression on her face -- every detail combines to create this transcendent and compelling portrait, every detail cries out 'masterpiece.'"

From a Museum of Bad Art patron: “Dear Sirs,
!Bravissimo! Thank you! “Lucy” is clearly the key work in the collection. As with all great art, extended viewing reveals endless layers of mysteries: What is Norman Mailer’s head doing on an innocent grandma’s body, and are those crows or F-16’s skimming the hills?”
By the way, the late Norman Mailer was a well-known American intellectual and author who most people on the internet don’t know about so his name won’t come to mind.

For some reason this old woman with flowers kind of reminds me of Miss Finster from Recess (for those who were once kids in the 1990s). And it doesn’t help matters that she’s sitting on a chair you can barely see.

2. Mama and Babe

Undead mother and child hungry for your brains. Nice delicious brains!

The only painting that not only shows the touching bond between mother and child but also the irresistible hunger for human flesh during a zombie apocalypse.

3. Reef Garden

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea party of your nightmares.

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea musical extravaganza of your nightmares.

Inspired by someone who watched a Cirque Du Soleil show under the influence of the brown acid.

4. Inspiration

The organist must be on some serious hallucinogenic drugs to see such visions like that. Or perhaps God really works in mysterious ways.

A talented 19th century organist summons the ghost of zombie Jesus Christ and a medieval monk while playing at the Sunday service in the cathedral.

5. Think Again

From MOBA: “This disturbing work “makes an offer you can’t refuse”. The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society’s reflexive use of force, and the artist’s inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal.”
Of course, this could be a pop culture juxtaposition of Thriller meets The Godfather.

Of course, nothing says “masterpiece” than a picture of a lifelike horse’s head being held by Michael Jackson after a sex change.

6. The Contortionist

Of course, anyone with a contortionist fetish has seen more than they wanted to see. Still, this is pretty horrifying if you think about it.

An erotic image of a contortionist and her nightmarish interior skeleton.

7. Gina’s Demons

From MOBA: “Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this blonde, blue-eyed beauty in a see-through blouse. Her world is cracking apart at the edges, but her careful hairdo and makeup show us that she knows it’s important to keep up appearances.”
Also, it seems the demons tend to find Gina’s blond hair rather appetizing.

Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this well-kempt Victoria’s Secret model in her see-through nightie.

8. Chiquita

Behind the tropical fruit spokeswoman with bare breast is a hellscape reminding of impeding doom that will eventually turn her into a fossil.

Nothing like a sight of a woman adorned in fresh fruit than seeing her in the midst of a volcanic eruption.

9. Woman Riding Crustacean

Of course, this woman shouldn’t be surprised about getting crabs afterwards.

Because nothing is any more erotic than a naked woman riding atop a giant lobster.

10. An I for an Eye

There may be some symbolism involved but the crying eyes tree and naked woman trunk doesn’t much make sense to me.

Never seen before an eye tree with a trunk shaped like a naked woman possibly painted by someone on acid.

11. Dissent from the Pedestal

Lady Liberty doesn't seem to care much anymore. Hey, what's with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

Lady Liberty doesn’t seem like herself lately. Hey, what’s with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

From MOBA: “Infuriated and distraught about the state of the world, the iconic Lady of the Harbor has come down from her traditional perch, bemoaning the fact that, despite global warming, her day in the sun seems to have passed.”

12. He Was a Friend of Mine

From MOBA: “The artist is a skilled watercolorist, as is evident by his knowledgeable use of negative space to create the ghostly husky. The sparkle in the eyes of the see-through cat brings a discordant, evil glint to an otherwise soft and peaceful scene. ‘Who else thinks it’s a good idea to eat from my bowl?'”

Evil cat summons the ghostly image of husky to inflict his angry wrath upon humanity.

13. March Madness

Of course, the basketball metaphor might actually make sense. Could it be that March Madness was once an ancient pagan ritual to mark the transition from winter to spring with the vernal equinox?

From the Museum of Bad Art: “In like a lion, out like a lamb, the glorious thrill of victory and the deathlike agony of defeat are portrayed in this homage to the annual spring classic.”

14. Juggling Dog in Hula Skirt

This artwork makes no sense. Also, the dog is standing upright as if in an anthropomorphic setting. He could also be Rowlf’s hippie brother who ran off with the circus.

Because someone on acid had the artistic pointlessness to depict a bone juggling dog in a hula skirt.

15. Lobster Lady

Seriously, who’d want to keep lobsters as pets? And shouldn’t they be in the pot instead of crawling on the table?

Because nothing shows the love and togetherness like a young girl and her pet lobster.

16. Nude with the Eyes

House Speaker John Boehner, have I got a perfect woman for you.

Woman who spent too much time in a tanning salon or the spawn of one of those porn star and Oompa Loompa pairings?

17. You’ve Got to Be Kidding

Her thirst for blood is as red as her dress.

Sure she may have a cross around her neck, but her eyes say she’s out for blood.

18. Ghoulfriend

Can someone be a friend to this lonely ghoul? So he may be all bones underneath but he only goes haunting desperate for companionship.

Though he may scare the bejesus out of people, he’s really looking for a friend.

19. Sad Girl with Poodle

Never underestimate this creepy sad girl’s wrath. And what’s with the poodle?

An Oompa Loompa girl after hearing about her dad getting involved in a horrible accident at Wonka’s factory.

20. Tika, Kitty in Paradise

Of course, this may be a Persian delusion of grandeur for a Fancy Feast Gourmet Cat Food ad.

Behold, the giant Persian, all bow down to him.

21. A Tree Grows in Boston

Still, I don’t understand why this guy had a yellow head and a purple hand? Yet, he seems fixated on that tree for some reason.

Creepy androgynous person sees tree out the window with eyes matching the sky depicting absence of soul and personality.

22. Vanishing Woman

And yet another reason why nuclear power is bad. Of course, this woman got killed in that awful radiation blast that her ghost glows in the dark.

And yet another reason why nuclear power isn’t bad. Also, try to touch her and you risk exposure to radiation poisoning, which you certainly don’t want. Field could’ve also been a nuclear testing site like Los Alamos since they say she appears out west like Nevada, Arizona, or New Mexico.

Legend tells of a glowing vanishing woman who appears at night in the farm fields. It’s said she glows like that because the field was once the sight of an explosion of a nuclear power facility.

23. Play Boy Bunnies

Most horrifying Playboy Bunnies I have ever seen. They are said to have been former Playboy Playmates who became part of some mad scientist’s experiment.

More like the Ferocious Porno Bunnies from Hell if you ask me.

24. The Undefeated

Give em’ one for the Lord! Seriously, why put Jesus in a boxing ring? Still, I can understand why Islam forbids pictures of Muhammad. And there are plenty of tacky Jesus pictures I’m sure.

Nothing defines Jesus as the Prince of Peace than depicting him in an arena associated with hand to hand combat.

25. Blue Pesto

It’s said this monster’s existence is the stuff of legend wherever it’s from be it some Slavic or Muslim country or someone’s hallucinogenic drug induced imagination?

Don’t look now but it seems that this entire city was built over a blue sea monster.

26. Diaper Babies Gone Wild!

Sure they may seem like two little harmless tykes frolicking in the meadow, until you take a closer look that is. Pictures of children don’t really seem to turn out right.

Sure they may be little but they are little shit machines of doom.

27. Two Trees in Love

Of course, they could both be just settling for one another since they live in such close proximity and that there’s no one else.

Seriously, how does that work out in nature?

28. Spewing Rubik’s Cubes

Now how can this guy manage to put a Rubik’s cube into a bunch of little pieces in order to spit them all out?

From MOBA: “This image of the classic 1980s toys emanating from a jester gargoyle’s mouth can only be described as puzzling.”

29. Safe at Home

Sure he may have won the game today, but there’s a good chance he may take a permanent leave of absence after being eaten and all.

As the old town favorite scores a home run, he and the catcher are devoured by some mysterious headless monster.

30. On Vacation in Italy

Seriously, what’s with the dead houseplants in front of a beach view sunset? It’s kind of depressing.

Should more or less be called, “Forgot to Tell the Neighbors to Water My Houseplants While I’m Gone.”

For More:

The Museum of Bad Art (MOBA): http://www.museumofbadart.org/

Seattle’s Bad Art Museum of Art: http://officialbadartmuseumofart.com/

Bad Art Museum of Ohio: http://badartmuseumofohio.blogspot.com/

Museum of Particularly BAD Art: http://www.mopba.org/

Bert Christensen’s Weird, Strange, & Just Plain Bad Art: http://bertc.com/weird/index.htm

Norse Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 22, 2014

While Greek mythology has remained one of the more influential canons with exception to those in The Bible, the Norse and Germanic tribes aren’t far behind. In fact, without their stories we wouldn’t have Wagner’s operas or Tolkein’s Middle Earth as well as a certain Marvel comics superhero. Yet, like the Greeks, their myths aren’t very consistent but many of them were written down after the turn to Christianity so there’s no set canon and beliefs differ from place to place. Still, unlike their Greek counterparts, the Norse gods are fallible and can be killed and are much more held accountable for their actions. But they still have their moments. Yet, sometimes you can’t really tell them apart from the giants, especially in the Marvel universe. I’m only going to list the most important gods here so without further adieu, here is the list of Norse gods you need to know if you’re stuck in Asgard or Yggdrasil. (I’ll only give you as much important information as I can.)

1. Odin

Allfather of the Norse gods who must do everything he can to avoid the inevitable Ragnarok apocalypse which will claim most of the pantheon. When it comes to Ragnarok to him, the ends justify the means no matter how morally ambiguous his actions are. Can also be a philandering jerk, too.

Domain: All-Father and King of Asgard as well as associated with wisdom, war (emphasis on strategy), the hunt, poetry, magic, frenzy, and death. Patron god of the Viking beserkers.Gathered the souls of beautiful women for the Valkyries and the souls of warriors for Valhalla (Norse Heaven). Popular among royalty and beserkers.

Pro: He is seen as a noble god and warrior whose aim is to prevent and delay Ragnarok (Norse apocalypse) as well as keep all the other gods in line. Knows whatever mistake he makes will eventually catch up to him as well as willing to face the consequences for his actions. Can also be the occasional trickster but likes people and generally helps them, well, anyone who’s nice to him anyway. Considers killing and harming women monstrous.

Con: He could be a philanderer and major league jerk at times (though not nearly as much as Zeus). He subsists on mead and wine (though doesn’t seem to suffer from the negative effects). Believes that any of his ruthless actions necessary at preventing Ragnarok are justified no matter how cruel and does plenty of terrible things to Loki. His devoted and competent followers tend to be killed in messy ways to join him at Valhalla for the upcoming Ragnarok, which is a battle he’s destined to lose and can do nothing to change that. Also, not very trustworthy.

2. Frigg

Queen of Asgard, regal and majestic yet considerably more benevolent than her husband Odin. Can’t be fooled since she knows if you’re lying. And she knows how to get her own way. Can see into the future but can do nothing to change it.

Domain: Queen of Asgard associated with motherhood, women, and the home.

Pro: She is regal and majestic as well as highly benevolent as well as can’t be easily fooled. She also knows how to get her own way and has much to teach her husband Odin. As far as the Norse pantheon goes, she’s one of the nicer gods as well as an attentive mother mostly.

Con: She can see into the future but can do nothing to change it. Also, doesn’t play a big role in Norse myths.

3. Baldr

Pretty boy god of light who’s resistant to almost everything except mistletoe, which kills him. Best known for his death story though he may come back.

Domain: God of rebirth, light, love, and beauty as well as has a widely recounted death story.

Pro: Is one of the best looking gods and is invulnerable to almost anything. Not to mention, is one of the most pure and righteous of the gods that it’s scary. Doesn’t really do anything morally ambiguous.

Con: In some myths he’s not so nice (especially in the older ones when he has a rivalry with the brother who killed him) and isn’t immune to misteltoe (which could either be the plant or a sword) but doesn’t get it until after being tortured by the other gods. Best remembered for his death story than anything else as well as being the first to die though he may return to Ragnarok. Not to mention, his myths may have a Christian bias to them. His death is said to signal the end of times for the Norse gods.

4. Thor

God of Thunder and Protector of Mankind who was popular among Norse farmers and Thralls (slaves). Carries his iconic hammer Mjolnir. Would fight dangerous women and has a fiery temper. Now has his own Marvel comics franchise and an Avenger.

Domain: God of thunder as well as order and favorite of the average Norse farmer. Also, protector of slaves as well as one of the best known Norse gods. I mean he’s a Marvel superhero and Avenger as well as Friend of Humans and Protector of Midgard (Middle Earth like in the Tolkein works).

Pro: He’s one of the more benevolent gods who’s willing to fight giants as well as demonic threats to mankind. He is widely feared by his enemies as well as surprisingly clever. Also has a badass wife he’s happily married to and his famous hammer. Seen as an honest, hardworking god who represented the common people and slaves.

Con: Well, he’s almost nowhere near the Shakespearean talking blonde you see in the movies or in the Marvel Comics. Can be a complete dick in the older myths though. Has a fiery temper you’d expect from a hot-blooded redhead like him and wouldn’t hesitate to hit a girl if he has to despite what his dad Odin may think. Also, will be fatally poisoned at Ragnarok so he’s not invulnerable.

5. Tyr

God of soldiers and justice who tackled a monster at the expense of his hand. May have been something greater once but doesn’t appear much.

Domain: God of war (emphasis on protection), law, soldiers, and heroic glory. Might’ve been the original head god before Odin became more popular in Scandinavia. Probably more liked in the Germanic tribes.

Pro: He’s a very brave warrior who’s not afraid to lose an arm and a leg over fighting a monster. Is the only god not afraid of a giant wolf in which binding it cost him his hand. Also, gets called upon in courts as a god of justice.

Con: Only appears in three myths and doesn’t have a high degree of specialization since almost every Norse god is a war god. Destined to be killed at Ragnarok. Also, myths about his family relations vary and was not nearly as popular as Thor or Odin.

6. Freyja

Goddess of love and fertility who’s also not very pleasant and commander of the Valkyries. Also really gets around and really has an explosive temper. Cries golden tears.

Domain: Goddess of love, night magic, witches, warrioresses, and fertility yet also connected with bloodthirst and is commander of the Valkyries. Carries the souls of dead warriors in battle to Folkvang and takes the female warriors who go down with her.

Pro: She’s benevolent as well as someone you don’t want to piss off. Also, has an all girl soul army called the Valkyries. Not to mention, she knows magic and can go long ways looking for her husband Oder that she has a different name in every nation she searched for him. Not to mention, she’s part of the Vanir and originally came to Asgard as a hostage so she had to pull a few strings to get where she is. Cries tears of gold.

Con: She’s kind of really gets around (well, she’s a love and fertility goddess) despite being married. Has a really bad temper that can cause Asgard to shake during her tantrums as well as be very unpleasant. Also, most Germanic warriors would rather be with Odin in Valhalla than Folkvang (unless it’s a Viking Heaven for lady warriors even though it’s not that bad but not the same).

7. Freyr

God of fertility, sex, and fair weather who’s more benevolent to his sister. Lord of the Elves who gave his magic weapon for love but his sacrifice comes back to bite him in Ragnarok.

Domain: God of fertility, prosperity, sunshine and fair weather, kingship, and sex. Lord of the elf realm Alfheim

Pro: Generally seen as more benevolent than his sister Freyja and originally came to Asgard as a Vanir hostage but also somehow to get to be head of the Elves. Gives up his magic sword to win a giantess Gerd’s heart.

Con: He’s kind of gets around (since he’s a sex god). Oh, and he kills Gerd’s brother and sends a servant to threaten her family until she marries him. And despite being elf lord, his subjects can be quite unpleasant (but are very much like Tolkein’s). Also, giving up his magic sword costs his life at Ragnarok.

8. Loki

God of mischief is the closest definition. His enigmatic nature and alignment are unknown. Yet, treat him and his kids like crap long enough and he’ll become the instigator of Ragnarok as soon as he gets out of prison. Also, has a diverse sexual appetite if you know what I mean.

Domain: God of mischief and possibly fire. The trickster and technically a god since he’s Odin’s blood brother. Most scholars aren’t really sure about his role and only appears in Scandinavia myths in which nobody is sure how he got there and almost has no common parallel in other Indo-European pantheons. His true nature is unknown, which is appropriate.

Pro: He keeps his word whether for good or for ill and goes on even when the likes of Odin have given up. Is good to his kids (like Odin and Thor are mostly) and sometimes can use his talents for trickery and deceit to benefit the gods though he isn’t praised for it.

Con: Where to begin? Has a tendency to cause a lot of trouble with his deceit and trickery (though usually forced by the other gods to fix) as well as humps anything that moves (whether it be man, woman, or horse). Also, tends to receive a lot of crap from the gods which results in him turning against them as well as his cave imprisonment as well as set the events of Ragnarok in motion when he breaks free (but he won’t survive it). In his antics he could range from trickster to outright troll and he does have his fiery redhead moments. Still, he’s pretty much an enigma and capable of doing anything but is usually unrepentant of his heinous deeds (like putting the blind Hoor to accidentally kill Baldr). As for his kids, some of them are literally monsters who also get a lot of crap from the other gods.

9. Angrbooa

Powerful sorceress, fierce fighter, and mother of monsters.

Domain: Loki’s giantess consort.

Pro: She’s a competent fighter and has super strength. She’s also highly resistant to fire. May have been a very powerful witch who could see into the future.

Con: She may or may not know whether her monstrous kids will help their daddy end the world. Also, may have been consumed in flames or demoted as Loki’s mistress. Either way having kids turning out to be monsters didn’t do much good for her.

10. Hel

Goddess of death and ruler of Hel where she receives souls of those who don’t die on the battlefield. Cold, dour, stoic, and a bit of a necrophile. Not a malicious type but an outcast not well perceived by gods and mortals alike.

Domain: Goddess of death and graves as well as ruler of Hel who welcomes souls who’ve died in old age, disease, or in accidents (a dark and shady place but a peaceful one, well, most of it anyway unless you’re a Norse warrior. Actual Viking Hell is Na-strond which monstrous fortress of torture with poison dripping serpent skeletons, sucking blood, and goat’s urine).

Pro: Usually keeps her word when she gives it but isn’t really a malevolent being per se. Only interferes with other Asgardians’ plans only when it concerned her directly.

Con: She’s stoic, dour, and cold as well as not well liked by both gods and mortals. She was said to use her broom and rake when plague would hit and is kind of a necrophile (though she wouldn’t really bang a corpse).

11. Sigyn

Loki’s loving and devoted wife who tries to keep the poison from his eyes during his captivity and is rarely far behind him. Too bad Loki doesn’t deserve her.

Domain: Loki’s Asgardian wife who assists him during his captivity holding a dish over his face to collect the venom and only leaving his side to empty it.

Pro: She’s devoted to Loki and never leaves his side despite the crap he gives her. Still, she’s not blind to his flaws either.

Con: Can come off as a doormat when Loki is depicted as a domestic abuser who may not go out of his way to be kind for her or even care about her loyalty either. Her sons don’t have nice fates either.

12. Vioarr

Quiet god of vengeance who can take down monsters without injury in the process. Will survive Ragnarok.

Domain: God of Vengence, silence, space, and footwear, and associated with Vali.

Pro: Can fight and slay great monsters without breaking an arm in the process and even using a leather boot. Survives Ragnarock and avenges his father Odin’s death. Is often very quiet which may be due to his scheming.

Con: He and his half-brother Vali were mainly conceived for avenging their half-brother Baldr’s death. Also, doesn’t really keep himself clean until Baldr’s killer is dead. Too bad the culprit was Hoor who is blind and really didn’t mean it.

13. Vali

Conceived and born to avenge one half-brother’s death and kills another as well as helps capture Loki. Went from infancy and adulthood in a single day. Will survive Ragnarok.

Domain: Associated with Vioarr. God of Revenge.

Pro: Managed to kill someone despite being one day old as well as helped capture Loki. Also a great marksman. Destined to survive Ragnarok.

Con: He and his half-brother Vioarr were mainly conceived to avenge Baldr’s death and neither keep themselves clean until then. Also, has a very brief childhood in the course of a day and kills the blind Hoor who didn’t really mean to it. Not to mention, there’s really not much about him.

14. Skaoi

Goddess of winter who could be as cold as ice. Enters Asgard seeking vengeance on her father’s death and really lets Loki have it when he’s captured.

Domain: Goddess of hunting, winter, mountains and skiing. She’s a frost giant as well as goddess through her marriage to Freyr and Freyja’s dad Njoror she chose herself and Scandinavia may have been named after her so she has some importance to Vikings.

Pro: She is certainly not someone to mess with and though she originally goes to Asgard to avenge her dad’s death, the gods seem to treat her surprisingly well that she was allowed to choose a husband (considering her dad kidnapped Iounn).

Con: Once used a dead snake on Loki that dripped poison in his eyes in retaliation for him killing Baldr. Also, it’s very much a challenge to make her laugh.

15. Heimdall

Watchman of Asgard who hears all, sees all, and doesn’t need to sleep. Also has nine mothers.

Domain: Watchman of the Aesir guarding the Bifrost Bridge against any threat as well as represents the benefits of fire and sired the humans and passed runes to them.

Pro: Can see and hear everything that happens in the world and never needs to sleep. Also, doesn’t talk much and almost never leaves his post (save once or twice).

Con: Has an ongoing rivalry with Loki and convinced Thor to dress in drag at one point. Might’ve had nine mothers (this is Norse mythology don’t ask me). Also, destined to die at Ragnarok.

16. Iounn

Keeper of the golden apples who may not play a major role but helps keep the gods from dying of natural causes. Her absence will spell trouble.

Domain: Goddess of agriculture and youth as well as keeper of the golden apples.

Pro: Though she doesn’t have much presence, she has a very important job since the golden apples preserve the gods’ youth and immortality. When she’s kidnapped, they progressively age, which are reversed when she comes back.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in myths unless she’s kidnapped or absent from Asgard. Also, will be no help at Ragnarok.

Greek Mythology Reexamined: Significant Mortals and Demi-Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 21, 2014

Last time, I posted about the Greek gods an their great and not so great exploits if you’re stuck in their mythological universe. This time I write about the significant mortals and demi-gods most likely featured in Greek myths. In many ways, they’re a diverse lot with heroes, maidens, and other figures. Some were the children of gods and others were just regular people who made good. Yet, some might have suffered tragic fates since someone tried to avoid fulfilling a prophecy without using much common sense. Still, either way, they’ve inspired all kinds of literature and movies as well as tend being depicted better or worse than in actual mythology. So without further adieu, here is a cheat sheet of significant mortals and demi-gods in most Greek mythology mediums.

1. Heracles (or Hercules)

Heracles capturing Cerberus in the Underworld not to be confused with the resident ferocious three-headed dog Fluffy in Harry Potter. Sure he may have super strength to take on the gods, but he has a bad temper, kids all over the place, and had two episodes of insanity. Oh, and was killed by a poisoned shirt. Yet, to the ancient Greeks he was Superman.

You know him as: One of Ancient Greece’s most beloved mythical heroes known for his super strength (which surpasses many Greek gods) and performing his Twelve Labors as well as whatever stepmother Hera threw at him. In many ways, an epitome of Greek manhood with his sexual prowess, athletic skill, and success in war though smart enough to use his wits when needed (the Spartans, Greek kings, and Alexander the Great claimed descent from him) who shows up whenever a strong man is needed. Upon his death he was made a god. In some ways, the Ancient Greek equivalent to a modern day superhero.

What you don’t know about him: That Heracles performed his Twelve Labors as penance for killing his first wife and children during a bout of insanity thanks to Hera. Though he’s said to do a world of good and was willing to help his friends, he’s not exactly a paragon of heroic virtue since he killed more than one innocent person for being to close to him during one of his temper flare-ups (he did show remorse though). He was also prone for starting a huge war over a mere verbal insult. Also, had to live as a woman for three years after killing a king and his family. Still, didn’t take well being cheated by his enemies and was killed by his third wife with a poisoned shirt.

2. Perseus

Perseus is smart enough to realize that Medusa’s head is a very effective weapon against bad kings who want to marry his mom as well as sea monsters. Still, he couldn’t have done it without the gods help though. Add to the fact he was chosen to slew Medusa.

You know him as: The guy who killed Medusa and saved Andromeda from a sea monster (which wasn’t a Kracken by the way) with quick thinking outside the box as well as gifts and stuff he stole from the gods. Was great to his mom and contrary to what Disney would’ve told you, he rode Pegasus, not Hercules.

What you don’t know about him: Actually killed Medusa just to save his mother from marrying the evil king Polydectes who he later killed by using her head at him. Still, he only killed Medusa because the gods wanted him to and she may not have deserved their wrath (said to be a priestess to Athena who Poseidon might’ve raped and was turned into a monster by Athena). Not to mention, he might’ve been involved with the death of his grandpa which was said to be an accident (of course, he did drive his mom out after the golden shower incident with Zeus). Also, said to be the founder of and king of Mycenae according to the Ancient Greeks. Still, though he might’ve been the chosen one, he was one of the nicer Greek heroes who was a loving son and faithful husband, rarity in Greek mythology.

3. Atalanta

Hangs out in the woods, kills ferocious animals, has guys compete with her in athletic competitions at the cost of their lives, and is distracted by shiny things. Yet, after she gets married and makes love to her husband in a temple, is turned into a lion.

You know her as: Greek mythology’s most famous heroine known for being very fast, unwilling to marry, and hunt in the woods. Her dad also abandoned her at infancy for not being a boy as well as won in a Calydonian boar hunt for drawing first blood. Made a deal to only marry a guy who’d beat her in a foot race and any guy who lost to her would be executed. However, with a guy like Hippomenes and a few golden apples, she met her match.

What you don’t know about her: That her winning the Calydonian boar hunt led to a family disintegration of one of her admirers which yielded fatal results. She also had a son named Parthenopaios though his paternity varies according to version (Hippomenes, Ares, or Melager were suggested) who’d also have his own story. Yet, she was also said to abandon him, too, in order to hide she wasn’t a virgin anymore. As for her and Hippomenes, they would be later turned into lions for having sex in one of Zeus’ temples (of course, Ancient Greeks thought that lions couldn’t mate with each other contrary to science). Also, said to be one of the Argonauts along with Heracles (and Philocetes who wasn’t a satyr).

4. Medea

With her great powers of sorcery she will do anything she could to help you obtain the Golden Fleece, even if she has to go against your family. However, if you promise to stay with her forever, don’t ever cast her aside, or she will let all hell break loose before escaping on her golden chariot.

You know her as: A powerful demi-goddess and princess of a distant kingdom who falls in love with Jason as well as helps him obtain the Golden Fleece while betraying her father and brother (and killing him) in the process. She is said to restore the dead to a younger and healthier state as well as could kill immortals with a mere look. She even accompanied him on the return trip in which he promises to stay with her forever and they had two boys together. However, once home, Jason sets to marry Creusa to strengthen political ties with Corinth so she killed his fiancee an her dad as well as their kids (in some versions) before taking off on her grandfather Helios’ chariot to Athens (some say she might’ve set Corinth on fire or have the city hit by an earthquake). Of course, Ancient Greeks thought she was totally justified since a woman dumped at the time could result in having her children killed or enslaved anyway.

What you don’t know about her: After her life with Jason, she’s said to heal Heracles at Thebes before driven out of town as well as marry King Aegeus in Athens making her stepmother to Thesseus who she tried to poison to ensure her own son would get the throne but escaped when the scheme produced the exact opposite result. Some say returned home to kill her uncle and restore her dad to his throne or went to Iran depending on the version. Said to have become a goddess after her death.

5. Orpheus

So his wife is dead and he goes all the way to the Underworld just to bring her back and lose her just the same. Perhaps it would’ve been better if he’d just go there for a visit or seek grief counseling, seriously. Still, he ends up being ripped apart by the end anyway.

You know him as: The guy who can charm all living things with his music as well as even Hades an Peresphone. Tries to get his wife Eurydice back from the Underworld after she dies but fails when he looks back at her during the journey to the upper world either for being careless or not fully trusting Hades, which leaves him heartbroken.

What you don’t know about him: He was an Argonaut with Jason as well as the son of the muse Calliope. He never recovered from losing Eurydice in the Underworld and disdained the worship of all gods save Apollo and was eventually ripped apart by the Maenad nymphs for not honoring his previous patron Dionysus (there are other versions though). Still, some accounts said he didn’t really die and was still singing sad songs until the people of Lesbos buried his head and built a shrine in his honor.

6. Odysseus

Spent ten years fighting a war in Troy he managed to win with his intelligence and cunning only to spend ten more years trying to get home to his family after blinding and pissing off a cyclops. Granted the cyclops wanted to eat his sailors but boasting about it to him?

You know him as: The king of Ithaca who left to fight the Trojan war and trying to return home while leaving a wife and son at home for twenty years. Of course, he also helped ally the Kings of Greece for Helen’s hand as well as came up with the idea of the Trojan Horse to capture the Troy and end the war (which lasted for ten years). However, he had to apply his intelligence and cunning as well as his willingness to take advice from Nestor or anyone else. Yet, he also spends the next ten years trying to get home to his family in Ithaca but his pride as well as gouging and boasting about blinding Poseidon’s son Polythemos doesn’t do him any favors and his daddy makes the trip a nightmare (though the cyclops also tried to eat his fellow sailors). Sure he may have had sexual relationships Circe and Calypso but they were goddesses and weren’t really consensual on his part. He does come home to his wife Penelope (thanks to Athena) and him and his son, Telamachus kill all her suitors and maids allied with them.

What you don’t know about him: That Penelope didn’t recognize him when he came back for obvious reasons (since it was twenty years since she last saw him) until she said their bed was moved but he says it would be impossible since he carved the thing. Not to mention, the citizens of Ithaca weren’t too pleased with him killing his wife’s suitors but Athena tries to get both sides to make peace. Also, he was an influential champion in the Trojan war with a long list of accomplishments including winning Achiles’ armor through persuasion as well as has a lot of fanfiction attributed to him in non-Homeric continuations (and yes, the ancient Greeks weren’t above doing this with some depicting him and his wife both cheating on each other and him dying at sea). And then there’s a dispute whether Laertes or Sisyphus was his real father.

7. Agamemnon

So he spent ten years fighting a war in Troy after his sister-in-law ran off with Paris and he successfully managed to win after sacrificing his daughter and having a bunch of other guys die under him. Comes home to find his wife cheating on him and eventually killing him. Apparently dysfunction runs in his family.

You know him as: The king of Mycenae as well as leader of the Greek forces during the Trojan War and Menelaus’ older brother who has the most ships than anyone else. Manages to get in a fight with Achilles which nearly results in his army’s defeat as well as pisses off Artemis after killing a deer in which he has to sacrifice his daughter Ipheginia for a favorable wind. May not be as smart as Odysseus but does give him good advice before they part ways. However, unlike Odysseus, he does not return to a happy home and is killed by his wife Clytemnestra and her boyfriend. His kids Orestes and Electra kill them both in retaliation and are driven insane by the Furies at least for awhile.

What you don’t know about him: That Agamemnon’s family was so screwed up with a family history that reads like a Game of Thrones marathon complete with rape, murder, incest, and treachery. And Menelaus is about one of the only adult members who doesn’t do something unforgivable and probably married Helen just to get the hell out of Mycenae (and become king of Sparta and the fact Agamemnon was married to her sister). Also, took Cassandra as a concubine from Troy but she was killed by Orestes and Electra. Still, he was no more evil than the other Greek or Trojan warriors.

8. Telamonean Ajax or Ajax the Great

Second best fighter of the Greeks who kept fighting even when the gods deserted the field despite being wounded. Has a body count roughly equal to his cousin Achilles and was never beaten in a fight. Name lives on as a brand for cleaning products.

You know him as: King of Salamis and the biggest soldier among the Greek forces during the Trojan War who’s determined to follow his will even without help from the gods as well as the second best warrior. He’s a cousin to Achilles and their dads were Argonauts and companions of Heracles. Still, when the gods stopped helping the Greeks, he’s the only hero standing who never stops fighting despite being wounded by several gods. He never gets beaten not even by the gods, has a body count roughly equal to Achilles, and would’ve killed Hector if the gods weren’t there to save his life. Just as smart as Odysseus who is close to his half-brother Teucer and could be a pretty decent guy outside the battlefield. His pride and individualism eventually lead him to be driven mad by Athena and he ends up committing suicide shortly after.

What you don’t know about him: That he fought against Hector twice and actually went on a sadistic sheep killing rampage. Also, he didn’t take it too well when Odysseus gets Achilles’ armor. Not to mention, archaeologists might have found a palace which might’ve been his home on Salamis and he’s been popular among the people there sort of like a folk hero. Still, while there’s no evidence that he existed, his house certainly did. Oh, and there’s a line of cleaning products named after him.

9. Achilles

Sure he’s the best they got on the Greek side and all but he’s only in it because he likes killing people. He cares more about himself than anyone else and is one of the biggest jerks in ancient literature. Yet, he spends less time than his compatriots on the battlefield and sometimes has to be coaxed out of his tent. Also, a bit weak in the heels if you know what I mean.

You know him as: The Greek hero of the Trojan war and cousin of Ajax. Said to have his mother Thetis dip him in the river Styx when he was a kid in order to be invincible though she held him by the heels (we’ll get to that later). I mean he beats a local river god while crossing a river. Though one of the biggest jerks of ancient literature (since he has facing a lot of stiff competition even in Greek mythology in that department), he has his moments such as being upset at Agamemnon for justifiable reasons and bringing Hector’s body to his family after killing him. And then there’s him falling in love with a dead Amazonian queen as well as his relationship with Patroclus. Basically fights because he likes it and not for honor or gain even if it means an early death. Is killed by a poison arrow shot by Paris either in the heel or somewhere else depending on the version.

What you don’t know about him: Contrary to popular media, his experience in the battlefield is minimal compared to the other kings participating. Also, the judgement of Paris is supposed to take place at his parents wedding and that Zeus and Poseidon both had designs on his mom (and that Greek storytellers may not be very good at math or that Achilles was born some time before then but I highly doubt it). His father was king of the Myrmidons and his mother was a nymph and a goddess (and he was said to be a mamma’s boy with good reason). Not to mention, he didn’t give Hector’s body back to Priam after mutilating it in retaliation for killing Patroclus who may have been more than his best friend which he blamed himself for (you’d never know about these relationships in Greek mythology but he’s said to have kids though). Still, though he was a raging killing machine, he had a lot of trouble caring about anybody but himself and sometimes Agamemnon had to coax him into fighting. And when he does, he doesn’t learn the lesson of team work and friendship.

10. Hector

Just a decent family man whose crown prince of Troy and can cut you in a million pieces. Unless you’re Achilles, which in this case, he will run away when he shows up because you don’t want to meet him in a fight. Knew that kidnapping Helen was spectacularly stupid but has too much honor to do the reasonable thing. But when he dies, Troy will fall soon after him.

You know him as: The crown prince of Troy and Trojan hero of the Trojan War. A noted family man with wife Andromache and little boy Astyanax (seriously?). The only guy among the Trojans who thinks that kidnapping Helen from Menelaus was a spectacularly stupid idea (you think?) but can’t really avoid fighting once the war’s on. One of the only decent guys of the whole lot who just wants to live a quiet life. Too bad he never gets that chance since he’s killed by Achilles after he slays his best buddy Patroclus. Luckily his foe brings his body back to his dad Priam. Had a fan following during the Middle Ages as well as modern times. Doesn’t hurt that he has a name most would consider normal by today’s standards.

What you don’t know about him: That Hector probably would’ve died in the Trojan War earlier if the gods didn’t save him in some of the duels he fought. Also, he mutilated Patroclus’ corpse to Achilles’ ire and only attacked him with a swarm of men. And he tries to flee when Achilles (or whoever he thinks is Achilles) confronts him and is only willing to fight him when he thinks his brother Deiphobus is with him. Still, that’s kind of understandable since you don’t want to one-on-one with a Achilles and he kind of knew he was a goner in such situation. Yet, he’s one of the few people in Troy to treat Helen decently despite having every right not to and she actually mourns for him. However, while he may be a great warrior and decent guy, he’s nowhere near as heroic than his depiction in modern portrayals. And he doesn’t really listen to advice as well as overconfident. Also, after his death, his wife and sister become sex slaves (his mother becomes a slave, too) while his son is thrown from the city walls.

11. Paris

Started the whole Trojan War by judging a divine beauty contest and running off with somebody else’s wife. Is destined to damn Troy and is seen as a philandering, cowardly jerk even by his own people and both sides want him dead. Ends up killing Achilles with a poisoned arrow instead until his own demise.

You know him as: The guy who started this whole mess by choosing Aphrodite as a winner in a divine beauty contest and asked for Helen as his prize, despite her being already married to Menelaus. Oh, yes, and he goes to Sparta and runs off to Troy with Helen causing her husband to invoke an alliance with the other Greek kings, which kicks off the whole ten year Trojan War. Also, fights as an archer during the war and kills Achilles in retaliation for him killing his brother Hector as well as duels with Menelaus before Aphrodite spirits him away (of course, neither are said to be very good soldiers but the Spartan king could’ve kicked his ass even bare handed). Gets killed by Philocetes (who’s not a satyr.)

What you don’t know about him: That he already had a girlfriend who was a nymph named Onene who knew prophecy and medicine which he later dumped for Helen. Oh, and he usually relies on Aphrodite to bail his ass out as well as turns to archery due to his fear on the front lines (which in ancient Greek terms makes him a dirty coward). Also, even the Trojans think he’s a philandering, cowardly jerk responsible for the war and were rooting for Menelaus to crush his ass. Not to mention, everyone in Troy knew he was foretold to damn Troy since he was a baby and his dad took great pains to kill him but no one had the heart to do it (as with most Greek works). And though he abducts her, he doesn’t defend Helen when other Trojans call her a whore (Hector and Priam do though). Not to mention, his kidnapping Helen breaks serious hospitality values (taken very seriously in the ancient world) and has plenty of political ramifications for Menelaus.

12. Helen

Seen as the most beautiful woman in her day that she got plenty of unwanted attention since she was a little girl when Thesseus tried to abduct her. Fast forward when she’s with Menelaus and she’s abducted and brought to Troy by Paris which may not have been what she wanted. Has a miserable time in Troy and just when she may get to go home after Paris dies she gets passed to her brother Deiphobus. Luckily she gets to return to Menelaus again but it takes ten years and a lot of men dying in the process.

You know her as: The woman who launched a thousand ships after she was abducted by Paris (though he more or less started it). She was also Queen of Sparta and Menelaus’ wife (in an arranged marriage) as well as considered one of the most beautiful woman in the area and gets a lot of unwanted attention for it. Was in Troy during war as Paris’ wife and later married to his brother Deiphobus after he was killed. Once he’s killed during the Greek sack of Troy, she goes back to Menelaus. Also, she was nearly kidnapped by Thesseus and his buddy when she was a girl but brothers Castor and Pollux save her. Said to have been conceived during her mother’s encounter with Zeus disguised as a swan.

What you don’t know about her: That she probably may or may not have consented to running off with Paris to Troy and perhaps may or may not have had feelings for him depending on the version. Also, she calls Aphrodite a jerk when she urges her to sleep with him and only seems to have kind words for Hector and Priam (as far as Homer is concerned). Oh, and her brothers were both killed in the Trojan War as well as feels a lot of guilt over the whole thing but only because so many Greeks were killed. And it’s said when she and Menelaus get back together, their marriage is strained (which is understandable), but at least she gets a better deal than her sister Clytemnestra.

13. Theseus

Born an illegitimate prince, he had to do almost everything on his own and didn’t have an easy time. Known for killing serial killers, bandits, and the Minotaur but abandons the woman who helped him and forgets to change the sails. As a result his dad kills himself. Has a nasty tendency of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.’

You know him as: The guy who slew the Minotaur in the Labyrinth at Crete during the regular sacrifice and with help from Ariadne (who was the Minotaur’s sister). He also slew and sacrificed the Marathonian Bull in order to be recognized as King Aegeus’ son (though he may have been Poseidon’s kid). Was king of Athens and married the Amazon queen Hippolyta and Phaedra (who later tries to bang her stepson Hippolytus which ends very badly). Also, known for killing serial killers and bandits (kind of like an ancient Greek version of Dexter that is if Dexter actually had to kill a guy with a bull head and everyone knew about his deeds). Not to mention, he appears in stories involving Heracles, Oedipus, and Medea with the first two turning to him for asylum.

What you don’t know about him: Although he may have been a son of a king (or god), he basically had to do almost everything on his own. After the Minotaur slaying, was a massive jerk to Ariadne and her sister Phaedra who he abandoned on the island (though some versions said he was forced to but at least Ariadne got a happy ending, Phaedra not so much). Also, forgot to change the sails when returning home resulting in Aegeus’ suicide. Had a nasty habit of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.’ Notable abductions include kidnapping his first wife which started a war and him and his buddy’s attempt to kidnap Helen and Persephone even if he knew it wasn’t a good idea (but unlike his buddy, he lived). Almost got poisoned by Medea.

14. Oedipus

Kills his dad for cutting him in traffic and marries his mom to become King of Thebes. Twenty years and four kids later, plague strikes because someone killed the last king. Has to bring killer to justice but then finds out he’s adopted and he’s already committed patricide and incest. Proceeds to gouge his eyes out. Frankly, he’s irony’s bitch.

You know him as: Literally the most famous motherfucker who ever lived and where we get the term Oedipus Complex (though he didn’t really suffer from it since he killed his dad and married his mom without deliberation or knowingly). He also kills his dad for cutting him off in traffic and being an asshole. Of course, he didn’t know it until right before he gouged his eyes out at the revelation because the people he thought were his parents never told him he was adopted at a time as well as who his real parents were when having no known direct ancestry could cause no end in problems for a guy in a prominent position like King of Thebes. Also, known for solving the Riddle of the Sphinx. Of course, this would make his two sons his half-brothers and his two daughters his half-sisters. Though he was foretold to kill his dad and wind up with mom which his parents took great pains to avoid by abandoning him, the prophecy probably would’ve never been fulfilled if he was raised by his parents in the first place. Not to mention, if you follow Sophocles, his kids become pretty messed up as well.

What you don’t know about him: That the tragedy surrounding Oedipus is that he was actually a good king who committed patricide and two decades long incest without even knowing it before it was too late. However, eventually he had to find out about it twenty years later amid a crisis in Thebes in which whoever killed King Laius must be brought to justice. Well, guess who becomes irony’s bitch to the self-fulfilling prophecy? Of course, his fate depends on version since Sophocles says he gave up the throne and exiled himself while Homer states he ruled until his death. And in Greek mythology, prophecies will always come true.

15. Cassandra

The Trojan princess who would rather be a virgin than make good use on her talents for prophecy. Sure she could tell the future but no one’s going to believe her and Troy burns anyway. Can only get worse from here like being raped, enslaved, and killed. No wonder she went nuts.

You know her as: The beautiful Trojan princess who could tell the future but no one would believer because she was cursed by Apollo after his thwarted rape attempt. And all her prophecies would come true, especially when it pertained to Troy falling in a fiery blaze. She also ends up losing most of her male relatives as well as losing her sanity and gets to watch Troy burn. The Trojans should’ve listened to her big time.

What you don’t know about her: It gets worse. When the Trojan War is over, she hides in the Temple of Athena but is kidnapped and violently raped by Ajax the Lesser and later becomes Agamemnon’s concubine as well as taken to Mycenae. Oh, and she later gets killed by Clytemnestra. As a princess, her story veers in the exact opposite as you’d see in a Disney movie in which she doesn’t live happily ever after at all.

Greek Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 20, 2014

Whether we like it or not, Greek mythology has always been part of our culture and these we’re constantly drawn to it for various reasons since it usually consists of one epic soap opera with monsters, fighting, and characters who suffer terrible fates for lacking common sense. Like many ancient cultures, Ancient Greece had a pantheon of gods who were just as human as themselves as well as deities you shouldn’t piss off. This did not mean that they also caused their share of trouble and piss off each other off (resulting in a very dysfunctional family like most pantheons). However, we must be aware that not all Greek mythologies are consistent here and sometimes modern culture has a habit of depicting them differently than they were originally presented. Still, there are plenty of Greek gods so I’m only going to name the most important of these deities who appear in most of the myths. And I’m not going to cover the previous generations either since that gets too complicated. So without further adieu, if you’re stuck in a Greek mythological world, here’s a short cheat sheet on what to expect from them.

1. Zeus

Apparently, being the King of Mount Olympus means being as much of an asshole as you want. Or maybe he’s the boss because he knows how to keep a bunch of assholes in line. Either way, he’s a major jerk who humps anything that moves without without considering his wife’s feelings, treats his kids however he feels like it, and can screw mortals in anyway he sees fit. Yeah, major jackass.

AKA: Jupiter, Jove

Domain: King and Patriarch of the Gods on Mount Olympus and is associated with sky, thunder, leadership, law, oaths, rain, and hospitality then a very sacred thing in the ancient world.

Pro: He’s considered as perhaps the toughest and most powerful god in the bunch (and became king of the gods by triumphing over his dad Chronos and putting the end of the Titan’s rule) as well as someone even the other gods don’t want to piss off (considering the Greek mythos, this is an asset since someone needs to keep this bunch in line). Also, he hates liars, oath breakers, and the unjust and won’t hesitate to punish the truly vile. But he does tend to show up and help others on a good day. Still, despite his character flaws, he’s usually a guy you’d want on your side but usually tries to remain neutral.

Con: He’s been very prone to cause a lot of trouble in mythos because he can’t keep it in his pants and will go for anyone that moves in any form and whether they want it or not. As a parent, he doesn’t really treat all his kids equally and wouldn’t hesitate offing some of them either (and let me say, he has a shitload of kids divine and mortal). Also, has major hypocrisy issues despite being a god of justice, especially in his personal life as well as performed other highly questionable actions. Not to mention, will do everything he could to stay in power (for good reasons). Yet, he also could be unpredictable and the weather depended on his temper. Out of all the Greek gods, he’s probably the biggest asshole.

Patron City: Olympia where the big Statue of Zeus once stood and place of the Ancient Greek Olympic Games which was an event held on behalf of this guy.

Symbols: thunderbolt, eagle, bull, scepter, throne, and oak

2. Hera

Of course, she may be Queen of Mount Olympus but she has major issues with taking out most of her anger over Zeus infidelity on his sexual conquests and illegitimate kids. Of course, she does this since she can’t really wring her wrath on Zeus but maybe she should. Still, she’s not as much of a bitch as she seems and she and Zeus kind of deserve each other.

AKA: Juno

Domain: Queen and Matriarch of the gods on Mount Olympus and is associated with marriage, women, and birth. Zeus’ wife and older sister (though incest is common in ancient pantheons).

Pro: Has Zeus’ weather powers and can also be formidable in a fight even with other gods. Can be a benevolent and fair queen who protects mothers and wives and is very nice toward faithful husbands. Also, it’s not easy having Zeus as a husband though the two seem to genuinely love each other.

Con: Like her husband, she’s extremely volatile and similar in his temperament though she sticks with a guy who constantly cheats on her. Has a tendency to be perpetually ticked off at anyone who wronged her, insulted her, had sex with Zeus, or being any of his love children. Still, though she may have an unjust tendency to unleash her wrath against Zeus’ conquests and love children, this is her only way of getting even since she can’t do anything to her husband besides yell at him. Other offending husbands aren’t so lucky. And while she’s a stepmother from hell (especially to her namesake Heracles {Hercules}), she’s not much better parent to her own children either.

Patron City: Argos but she had a temple in Olympia with a cult figure said to predate Zeus (it was the earliest there) and she was big in Mycenae.

Symbols: pomegranate, peacock, feather, diadem, cow, and lily

3. Poseidon

The old man of the sea who has a nasty temper and could cause all kinds of natural disasters when in a bad mood. On a positive note, he has a cool trident and likes horses.

AKA: Neptune

Domain: God of the ocean, rivers, floods, droughts, earthquakes, and horses. However, he does not have a fish tail since he wasn’t born the God of the sea but won his rule when he and his brothers drew lots amongst themselves.

Pro: He’s one of the toughest gods and let’s just say you don’t want to mess with any of his kids even if there was a good reason for it. Someone you might want to have on his good side.

Con: While not in his brother Zeus’ league, he does have his share of conquests as well as a shitload of kids (and shares a similar sexual appetite and conduct, though his wife didn’t seem to care since she didn’t want to marry him in the first place). And sometimes his philandering leads to the same problems (like some stories relating to his involvement with Medusa). He can also be very volatile causing storms, shipwrecks, earthquakes, chaotic springs, and drownings with his trident. Definitely not one to mess with.

Patron City: Corinth and most seafaring cities in Ancient Greece and Southern Italian colonies. Yet, he also has great importance in Athens since they had the best navy and Delphi. He may also be one of the oldest Greek gods with roots in the Bronze Age as a chief deity.

Symbols: trident, fish, dolphin, horse, and bull

4. Hades

Despite the image, he's actually one of the least malicious gods you'll ever meet. He's more or less a polite guy doing his job which happens to be on par with running the garbage dump that everybody hates. Oh, yeah, and he's usually makes good on his promises and can't be easily bribed.

Despite the image, he’s actually one of the least malicious gods you’ll ever meet (who is actually devoted and faithful to his wife even if he did kidnap her). He’s more or less a polite guy doing his job which happens to be on par with running the garbage dump that everybody hates. Oh, yeah, and he’s usually makes good on his promises and can’t be easily bribed.

AKA: Pluto, Dis, Clymenus, Polydegmon, Eubuleus, Orcus. Even his own name is a euphemism. Yet, many Ancient Greeks tried to avoid saying his name.

Domain: God of the Underworld reigning over the dead, wealth, and the underground in general. Is not a grim-reaper type figure.

Pro: Despite modern connotations, he isn’t a bad guy and is one of the nicest Greek gods around. He honors his deals and doesn’t screw around in mortal affairs. And he only lashes out when someone has really done him wrong or tries to cheat death (but he does make exceptions and can be rather helpful). Also, despite kidnapping and marrying his niece Persephone, he’s actually a loving, devoted, and faithful husband who actually consulted Zeus before he did the deed. Also, he’s used by the Ancient Greeks as to how terrifying something is and is stinking rich. And he has a cool helmet of invisibility.

Con: Well, he kidnapped Persephone and made her his wife under ambiguous consent (in Ancient Greece kidnapping in marriage was the norm). He’s also a very busy guy with the most subjects to govern in a job that’s rather unpopular but very important resulting in him having the biggest workload among the Greek gods. Also, though he does have a heart, you probably wouldn’t know it since he has the emotional range of a statue and doesn’t have the best personality. Not to mention, his association with death didn’t make him popular in Ancient Greece since they were terrified of it and him, especially since he’s impossible to sweet-talk out of doing something.

Patron City: None, since the Ancient Greeks were terrified of and loathed him due to his association with death and his temples are dedicated anonymously. And let’s just say their attitude of him was rather complex.

Symbols: Cerberus, drinking horn, scepter, cypress, narcissus, and key

5. Hestia

Sweet, mild mannered, personable goddess of the hearth. Also, minds her own business. But kind of boring and forgettable.

AKA: Vesta

Domain: Goddess of home, house, and family.

Pro: She’s one of the most moral out of all the Greek gods and usually stays out of her relatives’ antics. She’s also one of the more important deities in the pantheon and one Ancient Greeks would pray most to for their daily troubles as well as had a role in all their religious ceremonies. Has a modest and discreet nature.

Con: She doesn’t appear in most of the mythos despite her importance and is one of the more boring Greek Gods. Also, her discreet and modest nature makes many people forget of her existence in the Pantheon.

Patron City: None, but she was one of the first to have sacrificial offerings and among the most worshiped by Ancient Greeks and was seen as very significant to the center of community and home.

Symbols: hearth and its fire

6. Demeter

She may be the goddess of the harvest but almost destroyed humanity when Hades kidnapped her daughter Persephone. Luckily she gets to see her half the year. Still. starving the world over her daughter may be a bit extreme but understandable.

AKA: Ceres

Domain: Goddess of grain, fertility, sacred law, and cycle of life and death.

Pro: Really seems to love her daughter, Persephone that she almost destroyed humanity when she went missing though whether she did it intentionally or out of grief depends on the version. Yet, she’s usually nice unless provoked and once raised a mortal baby. She’s also well liked and widely worshiped by the Ancient Greeks since she was the goddess of agriculture.

Con: She nearly lost it when Hades kidnapped her daughter and doesn’t really seem to take it too kindly to him despite that Persephone gets a good arrangement out of seeing her mom for half a year. Also, she has her share fooling around with mortal and divine men and eight other children who rarely get mentioned (she’s a mother goddess after all).

Patron City: Eleusis since they were the center of the Eleusian Mysteries which pre-dated the Olympian Pantheon, but she had plenty of temples dedicated to her and may be one of the oldest Greek Gods with Bronze Age roots. In fact, she may have had a cult established in 1500 B.C.E. Her major festival is Thesmorphiora which was participated by women only.

Symbols: poppy

7. Aphrodite

Sure she may be the goddess of love and beauty but that doesn’t mean she’d make the perfect girlfriend since she’s just as much of a bitch as her fellow gods. She sleeps with everyone but her husband, is very fickle, isn’t great to her kids, and you don’t want to see her when she’s angry. Also, is very much a diva and doesn’t like other girls deemed prettier than her.

AKA: Venus

Domain: Goddess of love, beauty, and sexuality as well as associated with looking after children. Well, at least when it comes to sex anyway.

Pro: She doesn’t get angry very often but just don’t piss her off. Not to mention, she’s very much in touch with her sexuality and nobody sees anything wrong with it.

Con: She may be the goddess of love, but has a tendency to stir trouble. For one, she has many lovers and several kids and is really not a great mother herself. Not to mention, she’s married to Hephaestus and he doesn’t get any action from her. Also, she’s very vain and gets pissed off at women deemed prettier even if it’s someone her son Eros wants to be with (Psyche).

Patron City: Cyprus, which was where she started as their chief deity.

Symbols: dolphin, rose, scallop shell, myrtle, dove, sparrow, girdle, mirror, and swan

8. Athena

As far as Greek goddesses go, she’s probably the closest thing to being a role model for young girls, by today’s standards. She’s smart, fierce, and is fairly decent to those who follow the rules though she’s not perfect. She’s also known to assist heroes and kick other gods’ asses. Get on her bad side and she’ll give you no mercy.

AKA: Minerva

Domain: Goddess of wisdom, strategy, industry, defensive war, justice, inspiration, civilization, mathematics, arts, crafts, intelligence and skill.

Pro: She’s one of the smartest and most powerful Greek Gods as well as very tough in her own right (she has taken many gods in a fight). But she’d rather not fight without reasonable cause (but is willing to own up to her mistakes). Yet, despite this she’s very loyal and is willing to help people as long as they were following the rules. She’s also kind to kids as well as raised a few herself and sometimes helps resolve trouble. Though passionate about justice, she’s pretty level headed most of the time.

Con: She doesn’t like being disrespected and can get quite angry and vindictive to those slighting her. Also, doesn’t like people thinking they’re better than her either. And she shows no mercy to people who break the rules.

Patron City: Athens though she may be one of the earliest Greek gods with varied origin stories. Also, the Parthenon is her temple.

Symbol: owl, olive tree, snake, Aegis, armor, helmet, spear, Gorgoneion

9. Apollo

He may be a good looking and popular cool guy who gets all the guys and girls. Yet he also wouldn’t hesitate to pull dirty tricks on people if he didn’t get his way. He may be a god of light but he’s very much a big bully.

AKA: He has no other names in Classical mythology and even the Romans referred to him the same way.

Domain: God of light, sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, disease and darkness, music, poetry, archery, knowledge, purity, athleticism, manly beauty, rhetoric, enlightenment, and more. I mean, he has a lot of things associated with him.

Pro: He is very smart, powerful and can be very handy to have on your side. Not to mention, he’s the god of a lot of things and you don’t want to hurt any of his kids either or his mother and sister. Also, he’s one of the more popular Greek gods.

Con: He has a very bad side despite being a very good-looking god. For one, he has a string of lovers and many kids and not all his sexual encounters have been consensual. Not to mention, he’s a guy who always likes to have his way or else, he’d do something very terrible to either mortals or gods like spreading disease, setting them up for murder either way he’d leave them to fate after he’s done with them. And in many ways, he’s one of the biggest jerks on Mount Olympus. Doesn’t have best relationship with sister.

Patron City: Delphi and Delos where the oracles usually resided while he may have had Anatolian, Minoan, or Dorian origins though he’s one of the last to be included. Still, he’s one of the more popular ones though and the Pythian Games were held in his honor.

Symbols: lyre, laurel wreath, python, raven, bow and arrows, and others I can’t list.

10. Artemis

She may be a goddess of the hunt in the woods with her virgin entourage but she has a vicious streak about a mile wide and does not like men at all.

AKA: Diana

Domain: Goddess of young women, virginity, childbirth, the hunt, wild animals, women’s ailments, forests and hills, disease and sudden death, and the moon.

Pro: Is a very good archer as well as hunting and is a friend of nature as well as women in general. Also, as a goddess, she’s known to assist women in childbirth. Can be nice to tree huggers and kids as well. Not to mention, is more concerned with doing her own thing with her female attendants than anything else.

Con: She has a vicious streak about a mile wide and has a string of victims. There’s a lot of things that can piss her off such as boasting about being prettier or being a better hunter than her, being romantically pursued (save maybe one time it didn’t go well or having her attendants fool around), and others. Not to mention, she does not like men and can inflict disease.

Patron City: None, but there was a famous temple of her at Ephesus yet she didn’t want to be a city patron anyway. Also, she may have been one of the earliest Greek gods and might have had Neolithic origins.

Symbols: bow and arrows, stag, hunting dog, bear, deer, and the moon

11. Ares

He may be an imposing and manly god of war but he doesn’t have many friends on Mount Olympus and loves going on bloodthirsty killing sprees just for the heck of it all. But if he gets hurt, he’ll whine and run to daddy. Also, he’s kind of worthless against most non-mortal enemies.

AKA: Mars

Domain: God of war, bloodshed, and violence. Some may say he’s the god of unhinged masculinity.

Pro: He’s depicted as a good dad who always supported his kids and tried to protect them unlike many of his fellow gods (and he has a lot of kids). He also loved his mother Hera (though she didn’t love him). He’s also a force to be reckoned with and the embodiment of physical valor in war.

Con: He’s one of the most despised gods in Greek mythology and most of the ancient Greeks didn’t have a high opinion of him either. Heck, even his own parents and other gods hate him. Also, usually goes on bloodthirsty killing sprees on default and has a huge ego but he loses against almost every non-mortal enemy he’s faced. Not to mention, he’s a shameful coward who’d run back and complain to Zeus whenever he was seriously injured. And he’s had a long string of lovers and isn’t always nice to them. He may be a war god, but his effectiveness is constantly in doubt.

Patron City: Sparta since they seem to have a much higher opinion of him than the other Greek city-states, yet he’s also associated with founding Thebes and places like Thrace, Macedonia, and Mani. Also, the Romans really like him as well as viewed him as the founder of their people.

Symbols: spear, helmet, dog, chariot, and boar

12. Hephaestus

He may not be the best looking or most popular god on Olympus, but the pantheon couldn’t do without him. Still, no matter how much crap he gets, at least he doesn’t take his angst out on mortals.

AKA: Vulcan (but has nothing to do with Star Trek) however, it’s his nearest Roman equivalent though.

Domain: God of fire, blacksmiths, craftsmen, stone masonry, sculptors, metallurgy, and volcanoes.

Pro: Though crippled and ugly, is probably one of the handy gods who helps fashion things for his fellow Olympians and is associated with technology. He can even make his inanimate creations come to life. He’s also one of the nicer and humbler gods as well as peace loving who never takes his anger out on mortals. Not to mention, there’s a reason why his dad Zeus chose him to marry Aphrodite.

Con: Though he’s married to the constantly unfaithful Aphrodite, he does get around and sire children with others even though he does not take her infidelity well (though theirs is a sexless marriage). Not to mention, he has a tendency to be under appreciated by his fellow deities. Also, did a really sick trick on his mother, Hera even though that might not have been completely undeserved.

Patron City: Lemnos, though he had a considerable following and might have been of Pre-Greek origin, especially in manufacturing and industrial centers of Ancient Greece.

Symbols: hammer, anvil, tongs, and quail

13. Hermes

He deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot but usually gets away with it, but compared to the others, he’s one of the nicest Greek gods you’ll meet. If he doesn’t like you, then there’s a good reason for it and you best watch your back.

AKA: Mercury, well, closest Roman equivalent anyway

Domain: Messenger to the Gods and guide to the Underworld as well as associated with commerce, travelers, thieves, sports, athletes, shepherds, cowherds, wit, written language, literature, cunning, boundaries, communication, animal husbandry, and luck.

Pro: Compared to the rest of the gods besides Ares, he’s a model parent and one of the nicest gods who doesn’t judge people based on appearances. He was also nice to other people’s children as well as acted as foster parent to a few (also has a bunch of kids). Not to mention, he’s able to stop Zeus from destroying humanity. Is basically a good friend to anyone who’s nice to him and if he doesn’t like someone, there’s usually a good reason for it.

Con: He’s kind of mischievous but loveable rogue who deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot as well as usually gets away with it. Like a lot of the Olympians, he also gets around with a string of lovers as well.

Patron City: None, but his oldest temple was in Arcadia and he had a very popular following in which the festival Hermaea consisted of sporting events for only young boys.

Symbols: Caduceus, Talaria, tortoise, lyre, rooster, and snake

14. Dionysus

The closest thing Ancient Greece had to a frat boy god. He’s a hedonist party animal with unpredictable moods and bouts with insanity. Can be great fun or an insane sadist like many frat boys. So eat, drink, and be merry, or he’ll kill you.

AKA: Bacchus but also identified with Liber

Domain: God of wine, parties and festivals, drunkenness, drugs, ecstasy, theater, grape harvest, and agriculture. In some ways, he may be interpreted as the god of Greek life as far as modern college campuses are concerned.

Pro: Genuinely loves his wife, Ariadne in some versions despite not being completely faithful to her (well, what do you expect from a god of hedonism?) and cares about his mother to go to the Underworld for her. Is pretty much fun personified and has survived plenty of nasty shit since he was a baby.

Con: He does have a tendency to punish those who piss him off and does have his share of conquests (basically anything that moves but wife doesn’t seem to mind). Also, in some myths, he’s seen as an insane sadist and party animal as well as prone to violent mood swings. Not to mention, doesn’t take kindly to those who object to his debauch and hedonistic ways.

Patron City: None, but though considered a late arrival in the Olympian pantheon, he actually may have been worshiped as early as 1500 B.C.E. but his cult had been much marginalized for a long time. But he was highly popular for very explainable reasons.

Symbols: Thyrsus, grapevine, leopard skin, panther, tiger, and leopard

15. Persephone

She may be the goddess of spring but she's also Queen of the Underworld and is sometimes more feared than her husband, Hades. Still, whether Stockholm Syndrome or not, she must've felt something positive for Hades to be kind of possessive of him.

She may be the goddess of spring but she’s also Queen of the Underworld and is sometimes more feared than her husband, Hades. Still, Stockholm Syndrome or not, she must’ve felt something positive for Hades to be kind of possessive of him. Then again, she and Hades seem to have had a happy marriage by Ancient Greek standards.

AKA: Proserpina

Domain: Queen of the Underworld and associated with vegetation, spring, rejuvenation, and youth

Pro: Though stoic, she can be moved to tears if someone wants to either die in their spouse’s place or bring his or her spouse back. And whether or not she was really abducted by today’s standards, she seems to have loved Hades though missed her mother around the same time.

Con: She may love Hades but she’s not so much faithful to him (she and Aphrodite fought over Adonis). Not to mention, sometimes she’s even feared more by mortals than her own husband and is almost as stoic as he is. And if anyone dare try to seduce Hades, she would show no mercy.

Patron City: She was worshiped in Ancient Greece in ceremonies involving her mother like the Eleusian Mysteries that predated the Olympian pantheon and may have had Bronze Age or Near Eastern roots making her one of the oldest Greek gods. Still, she had more worshipers than Ares.

Symbols: white poplar and mint leaf

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Culture