Now underwear is a complex product in the advertising world. Sure most of us wear it and can’t live without it. Some wear it for comfort. Others for support or figure control. And some athletes wear it for protection. Actually we all wear it for protection as well as for comfort. Still, for a long time in history, there have been people who went without it because it simply wasn’t available or at least as we know it. But that doesn’t mean getting people to buy it is any less awkward. For instance, men might have a good time flipping through a Victoria’s Secret catalog but this doesn’t mean they’re willing to step inside an actual store, even if it’s to buy something for their girlfriend or wife. Still, when it comes to getting underwear for men, it’s usually safe to go with the tidy whitey option than go with anything too fancy. Just ask my father. Also, it’s preferable to shop for underwear for yourself or the kids if you have any. Nevertheless, while your conventional underwear ad usually had a model in the company’s undergarments, this wasn’t always the case. Now I can go on and on with all the great vintage underwear ads out there, but this would be a very boring post and I will never hear the end of it. So instead, I’ll show you some vintage underwear ads that seem a little more creative than they should be. Then again, some of them might’ve been designed by a guy who was deep in a Madison Avenue closet. So for your reading pleasure, here are some old timey underwear ads that might make you scratch your head or perhaps give you nightmares.
1. Moms, keep your child healthy and beautiful by buying them their very own corset.
Yeah, because internal organ damage as well as digestion and respiratory difficulties shouldn’t just be reserved for adult women. Also, men wore them, too by the way. Seriously, while the ideal waist was 18 inches, these constricting garments left precious little room for such necessities as internal organs. And that’s in adults. So perhaps corsets aren’t good for kids.
2. Jockey Junior Briefs have a nice comfy waistline that your kid and hold a gun in them.
Okay, say what you want about Plaxico Burress but at least he taught us that holding a firearm under an elastic waistband is a very bad idea. Of course, Plaxico Burress learned the hard way. Still, that boy has a very good chance of accidentally shooting himself in the thigh.
3. Hmmm….I wonder what Fred and Pete could be arguing about in the men’s locker room in their underwear.
Oh, they’re arguing about underwear. Still, for the many awkward situations in the men’s locker room, I’m not sure if this is quite realistic. Seriously, most guys would either be stripping down for showers or getting dressed. Not sure about the socializing in their briefs or tidy whiteys. If so, they wouldn’t be talking about underwear.
4. Back in the 1990s, Mark Wahlberg used to model for Calvin Klein. Here’s one of his underwear ads.
And it seems that Mark Wahlberg is just standing their clutching his junk. I’m sure he doesn’t want his kids to see this on the Internet. But I’m not so sure why. Still, the crotch area shouldn’t be held in any form of advertising, especially in an underwear ad.
5. Givvies boxer shorts get you off the seam! Even as you accidentally put on your shoes before putting on your pants in the men’s locker room.
Now I’m sure Bobby is just drying off the sweat after today’s golf tournament. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s about to snap the towel on Dave’s ass in order to engage in some unintentionally homoerotic horseplay.
6. As this 1950s ad implies, whatever went on in the men’s locker room stayed in the men’s locker room.
Hmm.. seems like Danny loves to see Gary dress after a practice or the big game during their wholesome conversation. Of course, they are probably talking all the manly stuff like sports, hunting, fishing, and chicks. Not sure about the last part.
7. During the 1950s, it was considered manly for two male roommates to engage in a good old fashioned pillow fight.
Yes, Bill and Henry are just roommates letting off steam by swiping pillows at each other. Nothing homoerotic about that. Just two guys getting at it in their underwear with some nice wholesome fun.
8. Wear Utica Bodyguard Briefs for the Annual Men’s Tidy Whiteys Golf Tournament of 1957.
If I saw a guy outside practicing his golf game in his underwear, I’d have to wonder about him. And that goes for men of all shapes and sizes whether they wear tidy whiteys or boxer shorts. Seriously, underwear ads tend to throw realism out the window.
9. Now with Munsingwear, even the most manly man can do the gardening in his tidy whiteys.
I’m sure this guy is digging in his tidy whiteys because he’s either too lazy to change into some proper attire like coveralls or cargo pants. Or he’s simply the neighborhood nudist who was recently told to take it down a notch.
10. Reis Scandals: So comfy that even an Army guy will publicly disrobe to show them off to his buddies at camp.
Let’s just say when servicemen spend lots of time together, privacy ceases to become an issue. Also, note the guy showering in the background. Yeah, sometimes what happens at the base, stays at the base.
11. In the olden days, it wasn’t unusual for men to talk of hunting and fishing while in their undershirts and briefs.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if I want to find out what they’re going to do with that fish. Also, they almost seem like they’re touching each other.
12. Of course, during the 1920s, it wasn’t unusual for men to hangout together for pool and strip badminton.
I don’t know about you but to me, it seems like a cross between The Great Gatsby and Foxcatcher. Must be the 1920s opulent settings and the unintentional homoeroticism.
13. Reis Scandals: So comfy that men would often disrobe themselves to show them off to their friends, even on a cruise ship.
Now men disrobing at the military camp is one thing. That I can understand with the lack of privacy in that situation. I’m not sure about the cruise ship. I don’t know it’s just that I find the idea of men showing off each other’s underwear as a bit gay so to speak.
14. During the 1950s, it wasn’t unusual for fathers and sons to engage in male bonding activities like having tea parties in their tidy whiteys and undershirts.
Okay, my dad and his brother were kids during the 1950s. And I’m sure that father-son bonding activities didn’t consist of tidy whitey tea parties. Seriously, who the hell thought this would be a great idea? It’s crazy.
15. Before the 1920s, it was fairly common for a bunch of guys to build human pyramids in their union suits.
At first, it doesn’t seem that weird since it seems like they’re in their pajamas. Then you realize that men actually wore these outfits as underwear. And you can’t help thinking such scene is hilarious.
16. 1950’s men’s locker rooms would sometimes become places of very awkward father and son conversations.
“So let me get this straight, Dad. Now after you and Mom got married, you put your who’s it in her what’s it, which was how I came about. Is that right?”
17. In France, men who wore blue speedo underwear would’ve been certainly bound to be noticed.
Of course, I’m sure the people looking at him don’t seem to be outraged at all. In fact, after he and his girlfriend leave the restaurant, they’ll all probably burst into shits and giggles.
18. For any man wanting to enhance their carpet of virility during the 1970s, there was the genuine mink jock.
Now I know that this jock pair is marked as “erotic apparel.” But I seem to find it anything but. In fact, I think it’s disgusting. Yeah, let’s assume that whoever came up with this was probably on some heavy brown acid.
19. For those awkward men’s three-legged races, try Skimpys.
Of course, these guys are just friends participating in a wholesome three legged race. And they just happen to be in their underwear. Nothing gay about that (sarcasm). Also, there’s got to be another guy in this ad and it’s kind of terrifying that we don’t see anything else than his leg.
20. “Back off, Jimmy, those are my striped boxers!” “No, Hank, but you can take my striped boxers if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”
Still, I have to admit, these guys really seem to enjoy fighting over underwear while wearing their boxers. Not sure which one will get the upper hand or what they’ll do afterwards. Not sure where this is going.
21. Men who wear Munsingwears always have other men checking them out. But there’s nothing gay about it. Really, they just admire the comfort and stretchiness.
Now I don’t know about you, but I kind of have an idea where this is going. Seriously, I’m sure there’s no way these two guys are “just friends” or that they’re exclusively straight.
22. Be a new man with the Testosterone Radium Energizer and Suspensory.
Now that I know this is a type of underwear for men. But whether it’s for kinky sex or cold blooded torture, I haven’t the slightest idea. And I’m not sure what kind of guy would wear it.
23. “What do you mean I’m compensating for something, Larry?”
From The Advocate: “Boys! Boys! The only way this dispute can be settled is with a wrestling mat and some Wesson Oil!” Of course, I think that’s where this is going.
24. Nothing makes sexier underwear than a matching yellow mesh set of a T-shirt and briefs.
I don’t know about you but I don’t think many men would go for fancy underwear like that. Seriously, men don’t really care how they look inside. Also, that kind of fancy underwear makes these guys look as if they’ve just walked out of a San Francisco gay bar.
25. For a black man in the 1970s, there should be no reason why your underwear shouldn’t be funky and colorful.
Now these patterns are simply hideous. Seriously, these have to be the work of a men’s underwear designer going great lengths trying to justify his own job existence.
26. At Fruit of the Loom, all their men’s briefs come in a variety of fashionable colors you’d see in any football locker room.
I can imagine the black guy saying, “Dudes, why don’t you get some clothes on? I mean you two white dudes socializing while eating ice cream in your undies? That can’t be right. Not saying that’s gay or anything but…”
27. Jockey: as easy to wash as her stockings. Not sure if washing them in the bathroom is a great idea.
From The Advocate: “Sometimes I like to light up a cigar and wash my underwear at night. I try to be in the moment.” But I’m not sure if it was normal for a man to do such a thing. Besides, I’m sure the majority of men’s underwear out there is machine washable. So perhaps such scene isn’t really necessary.
28. “Hey, Roger, do you want to play a game of flag football in the locker room?”
I can imagine the football player saying, “Hey, guys, I might run across the field wearing tight pants and monstrous shoulder pads. But I sure look way less ridiculous than either of you do now socializing in your underwear.”
29. Nothing consists of quality father-son time like spending a day at the playground in their tidy whiteys.
I’m sure this ad is supposed to represent a wholesome father and son moment. However, in real life, it might result in the dad possibly being put in jail or on a sex offenders list. Yeah, fathers and sons don’t participate in male bonding activities in their underwear, especially outside.
30. At summer weddings, it wasn’t uncommon for men and boys to show up in their boxers and briefs.
Funny, I expected men and boys of that era to dress a bit more formal for such occasions. Still, they seem to have a lot of fun taking the decorations off the car and playing with a dog.
31. I’m sure this guy’s chest hair is actually a Rorschach test.
And for a moment, I thought that guy was Ted Danson from Cheers in the 1970s. Of course, you have to start somewhere. Still, not sure what to make about the chest hair.
32. Of course, there seems to be a fight about to break out between the tidy whiteys and the funky undies.
Then again, the funky undies crowd seems pretty chill. And the tidy whiteys guys really don’t want anything to do with the funky undies. Either way. I’d certainly wouldn’t want to associate with either team.
33. Now nothing brings young men together in a pool men’s locker room than a pair of swimming flippers.
Not only are these guys in obnoxiously tacky boxers, but I’m sure they’ll engage in an orgy with the flippers anytime soon. Oh, I’m sure we all experimented at that point in our lives.
34. Underwear in a tube! Well, that’s dynamite for you!
Actually “Dynamite” is a horrible name for an underwear brand. Seriously, no one wants to imagine exploding private parts. Doesn’t help that their underwear is rolled into a stick with a string. And is stored in a box.
35. Introducing the semi-brief.
Still, too be fair, there are some things that Judd Hirsch might want to keep private about his pre-Taxi days. This ad might be one of them. But the underwear he was wearing was so ridiculous, I couldn’t pass this up.
36. I’m sure an ad like this was intended to appeal to every man’s fantasy.
Because how else could you expect 3 neatly combed blond women on the beach with nothing but their underwear on? Seriously, folks, this seems way unrealistic and more or less in the realm of action movies or porn.
37. “With my new bra, I can put flowers in my hair and grab a bull by the horns.”
Yes, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Besides, I think this bull might getting a bit angry. So it’s probably best that she run for the hills. Now.
38. “I came in like a wrecking ball!”
Hate to break it to you, lady, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to swing by on a crane without wearing the proper safety equipment. This is especially the case if the crane has the potential to run into that building behind you.
39. “With my Maidenform bra, I can walk on a tightrope through the city at night.”
And I sense that this woman is well on her way to winning a Darwin Award. Seriously, does she have any idea how dangerous walking a tightrope over the city is? She would have better survival odds at the circus.
40. Back in the day, it was common for many women to get together for a masquerade, while wearing only a bra for the top.
Now I don’t know about you. But I kind of find the dancing masked bra ladies in the background to be quite terrifying. Of course, it’s one of the few instances where scantily clad women become the stuff of nightmares.
41. Be a wanted sexy gunfighter with your Maidenform bra.
Now I guess her name is “Sexy Sadie” Stripper. And I’m sure that she’s wanted for the G-String murders who allegedly forced her to dance on a table. She said the victims deserved it, however. I’m not so sure.
42. Get the natural support you need with the “nipple” bra.
Jesus Christ, if I wanted nipples showing through my shirt when I’m out and about, I’d just go with a cheaper option. Not wearing a bra. Seriously, why did this thing ever exist in the first place?
43. It’s said that a woman wearing Valentino lingerie becomes an object of her man’s desire.
Then again, there are some women who may become targets of stalkers. And some of those stalkers might be homicidal maniacs. I’m sure I wouldn’t want to be that woman the scary guy has eyes on. Really creeps me out.
44. For generations, Loveable has been selling comfort to women and girls of all ages.
Yes, but does that statement have to be surmised in perhaps one of the most awkward family photos ever. Seriously, there’s no way in hell I’d want have a picture with my mom and grandma in their underwear. I mean how could they think this was a good idea?
45. Nothing upsets the retirement home like seeing a nurse having her panties accidentally fall off.
Of course, this wheelchaired bound old man now can’t wait to tell his buddies about what he just witnessed. Yes, he’s a dirty old bastard but what can you do? Then again, some men can have a heart attack and die if such a sight excites them too much.
46. A padded bra helps distinguish a civilized white woman from a native tribal girl in the Pacific Isles.
Of course, it should be apparent to all of us that lingerie ads tend to be pretty racist. This especially goes for the past. Still, how they managed to get a topless woman on there I can’t explain.
47. There’s nothing more relaxing for a woman than frolicking in the forest with her friends wearing pink lingerie.
Of course, they’re trying emphasize that lingerie is comfortable. Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I’d frolic in the woods in that. And that doesn’t mean you should either. Might want to go with a sports bra for outdoor activities.
48. Wear your Maidenform bra so you can dance the Charleston.
Unless I’m drunk off my ass in Paris in the middle of the night, how the hell would I be able to dance the Charleston in that outfit? Seriously, the Charleston is a 1920s dance. And I’m sure these women posing for it weren’t around then.
49. Here’s some lingerie to help you look forward to Indian summer.
Of course, cultural appropriation is also prevalent in lingerie ads. And let’s just say we don’t want to offend Native Americans, shall we? Seriously, we don’t want to perpetuate the nubile savage girl, shall we?
50. When it comes to lingerie, cone bras and big hair are all the rage.
Of course, what baffles me about this ad is the fact how Cousin Itt managed to knock up a supermodel. Then again, he might give credit to the famous Burt Reynolds Cosmo centerfold.
51. Vassarette: The lingerie choice for sluts.
Basically, this ad states: “Ladies, if you wear our lingerie, you will get lucky or you’re a whore.” Note that you will never see such message on men’s underwear ads. Well, maybe not in that context.
52. Introducing the “don’t slip” slip.
Of course, this is the kind of slip women wear over their shimmering space age suits. I’m not sure why but that’s what the ad shows.
53. Apparently, back in the day, you can work out in your lingerie at the gym.
Hmmm…not sure if I agree with this ad here. Then again, they could be wearing a sports bra with an athletic girdle and garter belt with them. Not sure if the latter ever existed though.
54. After Vicky was kidnapped, she soon found herself forced to play DJ in her lingerie for the giant lady’s party.
Of course, if Vicky put on music that the giant lady and her guests didn’t like, then she’d suffer a most agonizing death by being cooked in a meat pie, ground up. Still, at least they let her eat donuts.
55. Now Liddy loves to feel the air on her breasts in the London fog.
Of course, she only has a limited time until some British policeman in a funny hat arrests her for indecent exposure. That, or distracting drivers into an accident at some intersection.
56. In the 1940s, nothing sold Formfit Life Bras than mutantly proportioned minxes uttering stupid not-too-dirty limericks.
Too bad Little Boy Blue is missing the chance for a real life dream. Yeah, you don’t get a mutantly-proportioned beauty in her lingerie like that every day, buddy. Too bad Little Boy Blue is too sleepy to notice.
57. Wearing a Maidenform bra gives you a great chance for women to engage in kinky private eye antics.
Yes, with her Maidenform Bra, handcuffs and hole punctured newspaper, Julia is ready to solve a mystery. Too bad the case at hand pertains to woman suspecting her middle aged and overweight husband cheating on her.
58. Since Beryl started wearing her Maidenform Bra, chess is now an elegant evening pastime.
My, what a big King there. Also, wonder where you can get those matching mermaid evening skirts with that bra. Still, seems like these women get their kicks above the waistline, sunshine.
59. In the 1950s, women were expected to turn a bold shoulder to summer in their lingerie.
What you see here was a rare ritual of 1950s sun worship in the sacred rite of the Stepfordian religion. Of course, they never tell you about such things. Still, the Stepfordian religion died down rather quick anyway.
60. When it’s spring, the tulips sprout as well as the tulip beauties that spring from them.
You may not know from this, but it’s well known that the mutant tulip women ate their husbands. Yes, they’re literal maneaters who are willing to kill again.
61. “Is every Movie Star this beautiful?”
My question: “Does every Movie Star even wear super conservative lingerie?” Of course, that one has an obvious answer: “No.” And I’m sure this ad wasn’t issued in the 1950s to say the least.
62. In your Maidenform Bra, you can ski down the Alps with your Saint Bernard.
Of course, she has no idea that the mountain weather can be quite chilly and unpredictable. Still, she’s certainly not dressed for the occasion by any stretch of the imagination.
63. In her Maidenform Bra, Henrietta was able to face the pool sharks who brutally beat her up and sent her to the emergency room.
Now she’s quite the hussy for a pool hustler. Of course, she tends to use her bra as a tactic against her male competitors who may be distracted by the sexy.
64. Remember, ladies, you can’t go stargazing if you don’t have the right kind of lingerie.
Since when do you need lingerie to go stargazing. I’m sure not having a nightie, girdle, or bra didn’t stop Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson from becoming an astrophysicist. Of course, I don’t think he’s the kind of guy I’d want to see in lingerie.
65. “Oh, yes, Og, I enjoy being dragged by the hair by you. Please abuse me.”
From Buzzfeed: “Obvious cringeworthy sexism aside, shouldn’t the caveman be barefooted? What is he, a Roman caveman?” Well, yeah, because I’m not sure if they had any sandals in the Stone Age. Of course, The Flinstones isn’t a reliable source for Prehistory, but like early man, they also went barefoot as well.
66. Girls, buy a set of 6 panties and get a free record.
Of course, it’s just a lousy single that only plays a couple of songs on it. Yet, at least your granny panties will all be different colors that will match with your pastel outfits. Guess they’ll do anything to sell to teenage girls.
67. “Remember, ladies, always wear a pretty pair of panties. Because you’ll never know when you’ll get hit by a car.”
Okay, so how is a pretty pair of panties going to help you if you’re involved in an accident? Of course, it won’t. Seriously, this is just sexist on so many levels. Nobody ever tells guys to put a handsome pair of briefs in an event of these things.
68. Of course, the lady editor wearing a Maidenform Bra tends to be quite kinky with the phone.
Of course, how she won’t get tangled in the phone wire I have no idea. Still, if you look at the hats, you find out that her job has something to do with fashion. Still, kind of disappoints me as an example of female stereotyping.
69. Just a mother and daughter spending quality female bonding time together in their underwear.
Not sure what to make of this, but it’s probably not as awkward with the father-son equivalent. Then again, it seems like these two have no sense of privacy whatsoever. Also, my mother would always make sure I was dressed (or covered) before she did anything with my hair.
70. With Jantzen lingerie, women can do anything.
However, girls, remember that you can be carried away by balloons while just wearing lingerie. So perhaps you might want to cover up first. Oh, and it seems that the dog’s carrying one, too.