Mythological Creatures Reexamined: Part 5 – Hippogriff to Dwayyo

Some of the legendary creatures depicted in this series are derived from mythological stories, superstitions, and folklore passed on through generations over centuries and have been well represented in the media or in art. Others are cryptozoological creatures alleged to actually exist in contemporary times though its existence has yet to be documented by the scientific community. However, these creatures can also appear in the former category yet many are usually the stuff of urban legend where the lines of truth and fiction are blurred. In this selection, we’ll see cryptids like Spring-heeled Jack and Owlman from Britain, the Dover Demon, the Squonk, and the Dwayyo from the United States, and the Mongolian Death Worm from the Gobi Desert. As for legendary creatures, we’ll take a look at the Ghoul from the Middle East, the Satyr from Greek Mythology, the Cockatrice, the Hippogriff, and the Catolbepas from Ancient Rome, the Wraith and the Fomorian from Ancient European Folklore, the Noppera-bo from Japanese Mythology, and the Wendigo from Native American legend. So without further adieu, here are more legendary creatures for your pleasure.

 

61. Hippogriff

Though best remembered as a creature from Harry Potter, the Hippogriff was first made by Virgil in his Ecologues though it wouldn't receive its name until the 16th century. So J. K. Rowling didn't make this creature up.

Though best remembered as a creature from Harry Potter, the Hippogriff was first made by Virgil in his Ecologues though it wouldn’t receive its name until the 16th century. So J. K. Rowling didn’t make this creature up.

Type: Hybrid, Divine Bird
From: Roman Mythology (yet, it’s most famously featured in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.)
Features: Head, wings, and claws like an eagle but body like a horse. Well-toned and muscular. Sometimes depicted as having claws like a lion.
Behavior: Faster, stronger, and more intelligent than griffins. Can move as fast as lightning.
Habitat: Egypt, the Middle East, and parts of Europe and Asia
Is It Dangerous?: Not as long as you can treat them with respect. Otherwise, you know what Buckbeak did to Draco Malfoy.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Yes, they can be easily tamed and serve as companions to knights and sorcerers.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, you can behead it or strike it with an air missile. Yet, you probably don’t want to do that, especially if it’s Buckbeak.

 

62. Satyr

Satyrs are best known for being peaceful forest dwelling creatures known for engaging in hedonistic pleasures like music, dance, wine, and sex. In short, they're kind of like the Greek mythological equivalent of hippies. Yet, why is there one in C. S. Lewis Narnia series I have no idea.

Satyrs are best known for being peaceful forest dwelling creatures known for engaging in hedonistic pleasures like music, dance, wine, and sex. In short, they’re kind of like the Greek mythological equivalent of hippies. Yet, why is there one in C. S. Lewis Narnia series I have no idea.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Human upper body with goat like legs and tail. Usually depicted with brown fur and often as male with horns. Often wear a full beard and have long curly hair. Sometimes seen as old and ugly and sometimes not. At times could be depicted as being well endowed or balding.
Behavior: Associated with pipe playing and play a tail piece during festivals honoring Dionysus in Greek myths. Love wine, music, dance, and any kind of pleasure. Often seen pursuing mountain nymphs and trying to seduce them. Still, they are absolutely fearless and has a deep connection with nature.
Habitat: Deep in woods and mountains.
Is It Dangerous?: Only when drunk and/or horny. Still, will only attack in self-defense so don’t try to get on its bad side.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No, for they are humanoid.
How to Get Rid of It: I’m not sure how for the Greek myths don’t say. Then again, environmental devastation may do it.

 

63. Cockatrice

Sure this may resemble a dragon with a chicken head. Yet, be warned that this creature is capable of killing you by looking at you, touching you, or even breathing on you. Keep away at all times.

Sure this may resemble a dragon with a chicken head. Yet, be warned that this creature is capable of killing you by looking at you, touching you, or even breathing on you. Keep away at all times.

Type: Hybrid, Dragon
From: Roman Mythology
Features: Head, claws, and wings of a rooster. Has reptile’s body and tail. About as tall as a large rooster. Often depicted as a dragon with a rooster’s head. Tends to be confused with a basilisk.
Behavior: Solitary.
Habitat: Europe.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. Can terrorize people into an extreme state of panic. Can turn people into stone just by looking at them as well as kill just by touching and breathing on others. Powers of petrification are still active after death. Has a deadly poisonous breath.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Have a weasel or crow go after it. Also, trick the beast into seeing its own reflection. It also doesn’t like roosters either.

 

64. Ghoul

Ghouls are basically zombies which are more persistent predators for brains and have paralyzing touch. They're also capable of shape shifting as well as lure people into the desert to devour.

Ghouls are basically zombies which are more persistent predators for brains and have paralyzing touch. They’re also capable of shape shifting as well as lure people into the desert to devour.

Type: Undead, Humanoid
From: Arabian Folklore
Features: Undead and decomposing human body in an emaciated form. Skin is pale and lifeless while eyes and hair seem that they have never seen daylight. Appearances vary though.
Behavior: Despite being seemingly weak and fragile, they’re actually very strong. Have powerful hands and fingers. Capable of regeneration and shape shifting. Tends to steal coins. Travel in groups and nocturnal.
Habitat: Worldwide. Live in the desert or abandoned places.
Is It Dangerous?: Very capable of tearing a normal healthy human apart in mere seconds. Their hands can make an incredibly deadly grip. Usually tend to eat on kiddie corpses and drink blood but they would take a living human on occasion and they especially like fresh brain matter. Has a paralyzing touch and is a super persistent predator. Seriously, they make zombies seem friendly. If you survive being bitten by one, you become one of them.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Kill it with a single swipe of the sword. If you miss swinging it twice, it will come back to life twice as powerful. A light can also help as well as using fire, acid, or decapitation.

 

65. Catolbepas

Now the catoblepas won't eat you but this doesn't mean that it's safe to be around it. After all, it eats poison plants so its breath could either kill you or turn you into stone. Still, this one pictured doesn't seem too happy for some reason.

Now the catoblepas won’t eat you but this doesn’t mean that it’s safe to be around it. After all, it eats poison plants so its breath could either kill you or turn you into stone. Still, this one pictured doesn’t seem too happy for some reason.

Type: Hybrid
From: Ancient Roman Folklore
Features: Has large boar’s head, a small pig’s body, with wings. Sometimes described as having a body of a buffalo or bull with iron like scales along its back. May be depicted with horns. Appearances may vary.
Behavior: Doesn’t see much of anything since its head is so big. Solitary.
Habitat: Ethiopia.
Is It Dangerous?: Has toxic breath due to eating poisonous plants and is capable of killing anything around it. When it sets its eyes on anything living, it turns to stone.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Hell no.
How to Get Rid of It: We’re not sure about that one.

 

66. Wraith

I know this is a ring wraith from Lord of the Rings since it's on a horse. Yet, the dementors from Harry Potter also qualify. Still, these dark spirits usually hunt souls for sport and fill the air with hate, sorrow, and doom. Let's just say, it wouldn't be a good idea to invite a wraith to a Halloween Party, despite being terrifying.

I know this is a ring wraith from Lord of the Rings since it’s on a horse. Yet, the dementors from Harry Potter also qualify. Still, these dark spirits usually hunt souls for sport and fill the air with hate, sorrow, and doom. Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be a good idea to invite a wraith to a Halloween Party, despite being terrifying.

Type: Undead, Spirit
From: Ancient European Folklore
Features: Often portrayed as dark and shadow like entities wearing black hooded cloaks. Arms, legs, and faces tend to be skeletal. Faces could be endless black holes in their hoods. Sometimes appear as dark and shapeless shadows. May be depicted on deadly horses.
Behavior: Travel in hordes and nocturnal. Very intelligent and are super persistent. Always fill the air with hate, sorrow, and doom. Can make a room seem lifeless and cold in seconds. The dementors from Harry Potter can qualify as these.
Habitat: Worldwide but mostly in dark forests and caves.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, my God, yes. These ghostly terrors hunt souls for sport. They are evil to the core draining the life out of anything they touch and leave bodies lifeless without souls. That or the victims become part of their clan. When angry, can unleash powerful waves of energy with their hate and drain entire villages of the will to live and take their souls.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, they were hired by Sauron and Azkaban, but you’d have to be morally bankrupt to use these on people.
How to Get Rid of It: Either try to survive until midnight in a place where it can’t get to you or use holy magic. You could also try cutting its head off.

 

67. Fomorian

The Fomorians were considered to be a race of semi-divine spirits in Ancient Ireland, perhaps being the old gods similar to the Greek Titans. Still, they kind of resemble creatures that you'd find at a bar in Mos Eisley. Just saying.

The Fomorians were considered to be a race of semi-divine spirits in Ancient Ireland, perhaps being the old gods similar to the Greek Titans. Still, they kind of resemble creatures that you’d find at a bar in Mos Eisley. Just saying.

Type: Hybrid
From: Celtic Mythology
Features: Large deformed body made up of animal parts. Appearances vary but every way grotesque looking.
Behavior: Travel in groups. Possess magical powers.
Habitat: Ireland.
Is It Dangerous?: Said to have poisonous skin that oozed with deadly sweat, which doomed any person who made contact with one. Known to terrorize the Irish people, destroy armies, and forced them to make child sacrifices.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Driven by Tuatha De Dannan into the sea.

 

68. Noppera-bo

Sure she may be terrifying with no face but this noppera-bo is usually harmless. Yet, that doesn't mean that she's caused an occasional heart attack once in a while.

Sure she may be terrifying with no face but this noppera-bo is usually harmless. Yet, that doesn’t mean that she’s caused an occasional heart attack once in a while.

Type: Spirit, Humanoid
From: Japanese Mythology
Features: Human body without a face. Perhaps impersonating someone familiar to the victim.
Behavior: Solitary.
Habitat: Japan. Usually around graveyards.
Is It Dangerous?: No, these ghosts are absolutely harmless.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Sorry, but they’re humanoid and could scare the shit out of you.
How to Get Rid of It: You can’t. They’re ghosts for God’s sake.

 

69. Spring-heeled Jack

Spring-heeled Jack may wear an outfit similar to Batman but remember he's not known to be associated with good things. In fact, just the opposite. Still, he's one of the better known creatures from Victorian urban legend.

Spring-heeled Jack may wear an outfit similar to Batman but remember he’s not known to be associated with good things. In fact, just the opposite. Still, he’s one of the better known creatures from Victorian urban legend.

Type: Cryptid, Humanoid (may actually be former Cryptid but there were sightings in the Victorian Era. Also, may have inspired Batman in appearance.)
From: 19th century British Folklore
Features: Wears a metal mask to cover his hideous face and breathes blue flames. Has evil glowing eyes and long sharp metal claws. Mask might be part of his face or cover his face after being horribly disfigured with severe burns. Sometimes depicted in a black cape like Batman.
Behavior: Can jump to great heights with extreme speed and ease into surprise attacks or away from authorities. Solitary and nocturnal.
Habitat: England
Is It Dangerous?: Has been reported attacking several young women and men. Said to blow his blue flame in their faces and freeze them with fear. Would later proceed to slash them with his iron claws.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Hell no.
How to Get Rid of It: Sorry, you can’t stop him because he’s always able to escape.

 

70. Wendigo (a. k. a. Windigo or Witiko)

The Wendigo is a very violent creature from Native American legend known to feast on human flesh in snowy forests.  Still, it has been mentioned by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in his 1855 Song of Hiawatha. And it is prevalent in a lot of recent media depictions.

The Wendigo is a very violent creature from Native American legend known to feast on human flesh in snowy forests. Still, it has been mentioned by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in his 1855 Song of Hiawatha. And it is prevalent in a lot of recent media depictions.

Type: Undead, Humanoid, Spirit
From: Native American Folklore
Features: Has a bone body, sharp crooked teeth, and disfigured face. Has very thin skin and sunken eyes. Said to have a heart of ice visibly seen through the chest pumping. Appearances may vary according to depiction.
Behavior: Solitary and very patient hunter. Said to be formerly human but starved and turned to cannibalism. Known to have the ability to control the weather and bring powerful snowstorms.
Habitat: United States and Canada. Lurks in snowy forests.
Is It Dangerous?: Known for silently stalking its human prey in the snowy forests. Also have the power to summon wild beast to aid in its attacks. Very violent.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely no way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Shatter its icicle heart with a silver stake.

 

71. Dover Demon

The Dover Demon is a strange urban legend creature that was reportedly sighted by two teenagers in 1977 in Dover Massachusetts. Of course, these sightings have ceased for a short period so there's not much to go by. Yet, it's still a good idea for a cheap Halloween costume.

The Dover Demon is a strange urban legend creature that was reportedly sighted by two teenagers in 1977 in Dover Massachusetts. Of course, these sightings have ceased for a short period so there’s not much to go by. Yet, it’s still a good idea for a cheap Halloween costume.

Type: Cryptid, Spirit
From: United States
Features: Watermelon shaped head which is disproportionally large for its body. Has illuminated orange eyes, long, thin arms with slender fingers, as well as sand paper like flesh toned skin. Could be bipedal or walk on all fours. Said to have no nose, no mouth, no ears, and no mouth. Also said to be 3ft tall, chalky skin, and made a blood curdling noise.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal.
Habitat: Dover, Massachusetts. Lives in forests.
Is It Dangerous?: We’re not totally sure.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Probably not.
How to Get Rid of It: If you’ve seen this, you’d want to take a picture of it. Getting rid of it won’t be in your best interests.

 

72. Mongolian Death Worm

No, that's not an intimidating worm monster from Tatooine but close. It's actually a Mongolian Death Worm which may give Genghis Khan a run for his money. Still, someone in Hollywood really should be pitching a monster movie for this guy.

No, that’s not an intimidating worm monster from Tatooine but close. It’s actually a Mongolian Death Worm which may give Genghis Khan a run for his money. Still, someone in Hollywood really should be pitching a monster movie for this guy.

Type: Cryptid
From: Mongolian Mythology
Features: Enormous slimy red worm with long razor sharp fangs. Body is about 2 -5ft long. Resembles a living piece of intestine riddled with visible veins and gooey slime. That or a giant monster parasite.
Behavior: Solitary. Hibernates most of the year except June and July.
Habitat: The Gobi Desert in Mongolia.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes it is. Humans are its favorite prey. Capable of spitting fatal splashes of venom and electricity (even at a distance). Said to make anything it touches turn yellow and corrode. Can emerge from the sands out of nowhere to attack. Touching it causes an instant and painful death.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: We’re not sure how at this point. Perhaps drop a bomb on it.

 

73. Squonk

Sure this may seem like an idea pet if you're into that sort of thing. However, the Squonk is known to dissolve into tears and bubbles so to capture it is impossible. Sorry kids. Still, a Pittsburgh based art collective is named after this creature called Squonk Opera.

Sure this may seem like an idea pet if you’re into that sort of thing. However, the Squonk is known to dissolve into tears and bubbles so to capture it is impossible. Sorry kids. Still, a Pittsburgh based performance art collective is named after this creature called Squonk Opera.

Type: Cryptid
From: United States
Features: Has unfitting skin covered in warts and blemishes. Appearances vary.
Behavior: Spends a lot of time weeping and hides in plain sight out of being ashamed for its appearance.
Habitat: The hemlock forests of northern Pennsylvania.
Is It Dangerous?: I haven’t heard anything about it that’s dangerous.
Can It Be Domesticated?: It just dissolves into tears and bubbles when hunters try to capture it. Therefore, impossible.
How to Get Rid of It: It just gets rid of itself by dissolving into tears and bubbles.

 

74. Owlman

Behold, Owlman, a man sized owl that haunts the village of Mawnan in Cornwall, England. Its stare could petrify people with fear for days, sometimes weeks. Still, it's said to be Britain's answer to Mothman in the cryptozoological world.

Behold, Owlman, a man sized owl that haunts the village of Mawnan in Cornwall, England. Its stare could petrify people with fear for days, sometimes weeks. Still, it’s said to be Britain’s answer to Mothman in the cryptozoological world.

Type: Divine Bird, Cryptid
From: British Folklore
Features: Human-sized owl with glowing eyes. Has huge razor sharp talons and a large pointy beak. Sometimes depicted as an owl-man hybrid.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal.
Habitat: Cornwall’s village of Mawnan in England. May live in a church tower.
Is It Dangerous?: Its stare is said to leave whoever encounters it petrified with fear sometimes for days or weeks.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: We’re not sure how. Missiles?

 

75. Dwayyo (a. k. a. Dewayyo or the Maryland Dogman)

The Dwayyo is an urban legend creature in Maryland best known for almost resembling a close relation to Chewbacca as well as its ongoing struggle with the Snallygaster. Hey, it's not like I made this stuff up here. That's what the legend says.

The Dwayyo is an urban legend creature in Maryland best known for almost resembling a close relation to Chewbacca as well as its ongoing struggle with the Snallygaster. Hey, it’s not like I made this stuff up here. That’s what the legend says.

Type: Cryptid, Humanoid
From: United States
Features: Said to be hairy, have a bushy tail, and is sometimes bipedal. Can be depicted as a werewolf, Bear man, or others. Appearances vary.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal. Enemy of the Snallygaster.
Habitat: Between Middletown and Wolfsville in Maryland.
Is It Dangerous?: Has been known to attack humans according to some news reports.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: I’m not sure how. Maybe we should just watch it fight with the Snallygaster.

Mythological Creatures Reexamined: Part 4 – Zombie to Adlet

In my series I have gone over many legendary creatures you’re familiar with as well as quite a few you may or may not have heard before. Then there are some you might know rather well but others, well, wouldn’t know otherwise. Still, virtually all of these creatures are mythical as far as I’m concerned. Yet, if you’re tired of having to pick a scary monster to be for Halloween, then this is the blog series for you. In this selection we’ll go over a few favorites like the Zombie, the Unicorn, the Werewolf, the Vampire, the Leprechaun, the Loch Ness Monster, the Goblin, and the Banshee (though I’m not sure about that one). We’ll also see some creatures that you may not have heard before like the Valkyrie from Norse Mythology, the legendary spirit of La Llorona from Latin America and the American Southwest, the Roc and Leviathan from Middle Eastern Mythology, the legendary Stymphalian Bird from Greek Mythology, the Kongamato from Africa, and the Adlet from Inuit legend. So without further adieu, here are some more legendary creatures from myth and urban legend for your pleasure.

 

46. Zombie

From how I see it, this could either be an artistic representation of a zombie rampage or a bunch of them doing the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance at a rave.

From how I see it, this could either be an artistic representation of a zombie rampage or a bunch of them doing the Michael Jackson “Thriller” dance at a rave.

Type: Undead, Humanoid
From: Bantu Mythology and Caribbean Folklore
Features: Reanimated human corpses in different stages of composition. Usually depicted as green.
Behavior: Usually travel in groups and active 24/7. Are stronger than the average person and though they may seem slow, they are actually clever predators who know the value of team work. Also have superhuman stamina and are absolutely fearless.
Habitat: Anywhere humans live but particularly graveyards.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. They’re always violent man-eaters searching for new meat and spread disease wherever they go. If bitten by one, you turn into a zombie.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Not on your life.
How to Get Rid of It: Basically you have to decapitate it or aim for its brain. Cuts, blows, bullets, and severed limbs might slow them down but will not stop them. Using fire on them has various effects.

 

47. Unicorn

There's no way anyone could hate these majestic and beautiful creatures, especially little girls and My Little Pony fans. Of course, I hope most My Little Pony fans are little girls. But then again, to each his own.

There’s no way anyone could hate these majestic and beautiful creatures, especially little girls and My Little Pony fans. I mean these legendary creatures are relatively harmless, represent everything wholesome and good, and are associated with rainbows and sparkles. But then again, to each his own. Still, I’m very sure this unicorn is a male since his junk is showing.

Type: Divine Horse
From: Various Mythology and Folklore
Features: Usually horse like with a horn on forehead. Can be of any color but usually white. Tend to be very beautiful. In the past have been described as having a body of a wild ass and being white, read, and black. Sometimes described as having a head of a stag, feet of an elephant, and tail of a boar with a single long black horn. Sometimes depicted with a billy goat’s beard, a lion’s tail, and cloven hooves.
Behavior: Solitary and peaceful. Fast and nimble. Blood may have restorative properties but it’s cursed. Also said to poop in rainbows and sparkles.
Habitat: Worldwide, particularly woodlands.
Is It Dangerous?: Not at all.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Yes, but they’re very difficult to capture. Sometimes can only be trapped by a virgin but good luck finding one.
How to Get Rid of It: You don’t want to get rid of one. Seriously, you don’t.

 

48. Valkyrie

Of course, though many may have heard the name of Valkyrie from that Tom Cruise movie, those familiar with this beauty are opera goers and Richard Wagner fans. Then again, we've all heard "Ride of the Valkyries" at least once. I mean how can you not?

Of course, though many may have heard the name of Valkyrie from that Tom Cruise movie, those familiar with this beauty are opera goers and Richard Wagner fans. Then again, we’ve all heard “Ride of the Valkyries” at least once. I mean how can you not?

Type: Humanoid, Spirit
From: Norse Mythology
Features: Beautiful female warriors. Sometimes depicted with wings or riding a magnificent horse. Often portrayed as carrying a shield, sword, and/or spear. Sometimes may yield a bow and arrow. Usually depicted with blond hair and in armor.
Behavior: Travel in groups. Charged with escorting fallen warriors to Valhalla or the Folkvangr. Absolutely fearless but may be the occasionally instigate battles and engage in them.
Habitat: The Viking world of the gods, particularly Asgard and Valhalla.
Is It Dangerous?: Not really but I really can’t say. Yet, they have been accused as devouring the flesh of the slain.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not. Also, they work for Freyja.
How to Get Rid of It: You can’t for they’re immortal.

 

49. Werewolf

Of course, werewolves have been known to howl at the moon at night, especially when the moon is full. Yet, other than being half human and half wolf, yet as to how people become one and what they do varies by culture.

Of course, werewolves have been known to howl at the moon at night, especially when the moon is full. Yet, other than being half human and half wolf, yet as to how people become one and what they do varies by culture. Still, these animals aren’t sexy beasts you might want to sleep with. Well, Remus Lupin may be a possible exception to that but he’s a nice guy who knows his magic.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Ancient European Mythology
Features: Large wolf-like body, long fangs, and glowing eyes. Often humans transformed into wolves whether voluntarily or during the night of a full moon. Can have humanoid bodies and walk on two legs. Have strong teeth and claws. Usually depicted brown or gray and let out a howl at the moon.
Behavior: Often travel in groups and tend to be nocturnal. They are very strong and very fast as well as very good swimmers. Are telepathic, relatively fast healers, and could see in the dark. Capable of learning magic and have increased senses and stamina.
Habitat: Wherever wolves and humans are present at times. Tend to hang out in graveyards where they feast on corpses.
Is It Dangerous?: In human form, most of them aren’t (think Remus Lupin from Harry Potter). Bitten by one in human form and you won’t turn into one. Yet, in wolf form, they are especially dangerous and if they bite you, you can be one of them.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not for they are practically people and in wolf form are very dangerous.
How to Get Rid of It: Remove its heart, give it wolfsbane, or shoot it with a silver bullet. Using a weapon blessed by your local church would do nicely if silver bullets aren’t available. Still, they aren’t immortal and will succumb to old age and can be killed in regular ways.

 

50. Vampire

Hardly any legendary creature has generated much media from the West as the vampire. Sure theses bloodsucking creatures may have their fans, but seriously, you don't want to date one.

Hardly any legendary creature has generated much media from the West as the vampire. Sure theses bloodsucking creatures may have their fans, but seriously, you don’t want to date one.

Type: Undead, Humanoid
From: Various Mythology and Folklore
Features: Pale humans with fangs that consume blood. Could be depicted as sexy, aristocratic, or beastly but they don’t reflect in mirrors. Can have pointy ears or bat wings. Can live forever if you let them and usually are portrayed with antiquated fashion sense. Can be depicted from nearly human to rotting corpse.
Behavior: Can be solitary or travel in groups. Sometimes can transform into bats. Often nocturnal. Capable of magic, flight, invisibility, telepathy, telekinesis, weather and mental manipulation, hypnosis, and more. Are very strong and fast as well as have enhanced senses.
Habitat: Anywhere where humans live. Also tend to inhabit dark and dingy castles.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. Getting bitten by one will turn you into one whether you like it or not. And they usually tend to go on killing sprees or invade people’s houses (though they will settle for the blood of the family pet). Yet, they can be warded off with garlic, holy water, or holy paraphernalia like a crucifix or rosary. Not to mention, they also tend to avoid churches and any place where there’s a lot of fire or garlic. Still, don’t have sex with one no matter how tempted you are. And I mean you, lovers of Anne Rice, Twilight, and True Blood.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell. They’re practically humans and are very dangerous.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, there are a number of ways. You can expose them to sunlight, decapitate them, drive a stake through their hearts, touch them with a crucifix, remove their hearts, set fire on them, bless them with holy water, have them chase you into a church, and enlist the help of your friendly neighborhood werewolf.

 

51. Leprechaun

Sure this leprechaun may seem scary looking but he's a mostly harmless creature associated with Saint Patrick's Day. Of course, he doesn't take too kindly on negative Irish stereotypes though.

Sure this leprechaun may seem scary looking but he’s a mostly harmless creature associated with Saint Patrick’s Day. Of course, he doesn’t take too kindly on negative Irish stereotypes though.

Type: Imp, Humanoid, Spirit
From: Irish Folklore
Features: Usually human looking but only about 5 inches at height though usually portrayed as high as a small child. Mostly depicted with red hair and wearing green (or red) as well as smoking a pipe. Appearances vary.
Behavior: Very clever and fast. Said to spend its time making shoes, storing coins in a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and partaking in mischief.
Habitat: Ireland. Often live in moors, caves, forests, or gardens.
Is It Dangerous?: Not really.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, it can lead you to its pot of gold or grant you three wishes but it’s very hard to catch. Yet, you have to let it go afterwards. Of course, in the Harry Potter universe, you might want to go with the three wishes because Leprechaun gold disappears quickly and is considered pointless to pursue.
How to Get Rid of It: You don’t want to get rid of this creature.

 

52. Leviathan

The Leviathan is a large sea monster from Mesopotamian Mythology that can cause storms and chaos as well as eats humans. You might want to avoid this creature at all costs.

The Leviathan is a large sea monster from Mesopotamian Mythology that can cause storms and chaos as well as eats humans. You might want to avoid this creature at all costs. Unless you have supernatural aid, you’re basically screwed with this one.

Type: Sea Monster, Serpent
From: Mesopotamian Mythology (mentioned in the Bible)
Features: Is very large and usually depicted as serpent like. Can appear in many forms like a large fish or whale. Has a large powerful jaws.
Behavior: Solitary but a natural born swimmer and very strong. Shape shifting and see angels and demons where humans cannot.
Habitat: Can survive on land or water.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. They are venomous and eat humans. Also, capable of causing storms and other chaos.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Can only be killed through supernatural means. Can survive most wounds, reattach themselves, and are immune to disease. So if you’re pursued by one, go down on your knees and pray like mad even if you’re an atheist. That or call for a wizard.

 

53. Loch Ness Monster (a. k. a. Nessie)

One of the most prolific creatures in cryptozoology is the Loch Ness monster who was reputed to be first photographed in 1933 (though it's now known to be a hoax). Still, whether it be a possible living dinosaur or outright hoax, I'm sure the people of Loch Ness aren't complaining how the monster has helped their tourist industry.

One of the most prolific creatures in cryptozoology is the Loch Ness monster who was reputed to be first photographed in 1933 (though it’s now known to be a hoax). Still, whether it be a possible living dinosaur or outright hoax, I’m sure the people of Loch Ness aren’t complaining how the monster has helped their tourist industry.

Type: Water Monster, Cryptid, Living Dinosaur
From: Scottish Folklore
Features: Long neck, large body, flippers, and tail.
Behavior: Solitary.
Habitat: The waters of Loch Ness in Scotland.
Is It Dangerous?: We’re not sure but Saint Columba reported of one killing a man and dragging him to watery depths according to a 7th century story.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, Saint Columba just made the sign of the cross and told the monster to stay away. Still, nowadays you don’t want to get rid of it since seeing one makes it a great photo op.

 

54. La Llorona

La Llorona is a spirit of a woman who drowned her children so she could be with the man she loved who wouldn't have her. Thus, she drowned herself and has never been permitted to enter the afterlife until she has found them. Still, to drown your kids for a man is seriously messed up.

La Llorona is a spirit of a woman who drowned her children so she could be with the man she loved who wouldn’t have her. Thus, she drowned herself and has never been permitted to enter the afterlife until she has found them. Still, to drown your kids for a man is seriously messed up.

Type: Undead, Spirit, Humanoid
From: Latin American Legend
Features: A spirit of a young woman in white seen weeping. Can be depicted crying “Ay mis hijos!” (“Oh, my children!”).
Behavior: Was once a woman named Maria who drowned her children after discovering her husband was unfaithful or to be with the man she loved. Yet, she committed suicide when he wouldn’t have her. Unable to enter the afterlife until she has found her kids. Solitary and nocturnal. Yet, you can summon her if you say her name twice in front of a mirror in a locked room.
Habitat: Mexico and much of the American Southwest.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, it’s believed that those who hear her are marked for death and in some versions of the legend, she may kidnap kids that bear a resemblance to her missing children.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: You can’t she’s doomed to walk the Earth for eternity.

 

55. Roc

On the subject of mythical birds, the Roc is a giant bird from Middle Eastern legend that could carry elephants by its claws. Still, whatever you do, don't take any of its giant eggs. Seriously, don't.

On the subject of mythical birds, the Roc is a giant bird from Middle Eastern legend that could carry elephants by its claws. Still, whatever you do, don’t take any of its giant eggs. Seriously, don’t.

Type: Divine Bird
From: Middle Eastern Mythology
Features: Gigantic bird of prey with a forked tongue. Could either have the same color as an eagle or simply white. Its enormous beak is lined with sharp pointed teeth.
Behavior: Solitary. Presence can darken the night sky and the flap of its huge wings could cause hurricane like winds. Said to be a fierce guardian of a secret valley filled with jewels. Lays huge eggs.
Habitat: Madagascar.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, it’s know n to swoop down to grab animals and people in order to carry them off to feast upon or rip apart for its young. Can carry anything as big as an elephant in its talons. So yes. Also, don’t steal one of its eggs or it will destroy entire ships over in revenge as Sinbad learned the hard way.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Large harpoon or missile might do the trick.

 

56. Stymphalian Bird (a. k. a. Stymphalides)

Stymphalian birds may seem awesome but these pets of Ares were nothing but hostile pests in Arcadia that Hercules had to perform his Sixth Labor with the assistance of Hephaestus and Athena. Still, this painting may give the idea that Hercules' Sixth Labor was the Ancient Greek version of Angry Birds.

Stymphalian birds may seem awesome but these pets of Ares were nothing but hostile pests in Arcadia that Hercules had to perform his Sixth Labor with the assistance of Hephaestus and Athena. Still, this painting may give the idea that Hercules’ Sixth Labor was the Ancient Greek version of Angry Birds.

Type: Divine Bird
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Large bird with sharp and arrow like bronze feathers, metal beak and claws. Sometimes depicted with helmets.
Behavior: Ferocious and superiorly strong. Travel in groups.
Habitat: Arcadia in Ancient Greece.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, their dung is poisonous and would shed their killer feathers like spears among attacking soldiers that easily pierced armor. Their killer plumage is said to terrorize the people of Arcadia. Known to devour all the dead and killing those injured with their beaks.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Only by Ares for they were his pets.
How to Get Rid of It: With the help of Athena, Hercules managed to disperse these monster birds with a loud thunderous rattle Hephaestus made for the occasion. He then proceeded to shoot each one of them with his arrows.

 

57. Kongamato

Now the Kongamato may be a creature you may not have heard of but it's sort of a large Pterodactyl on steroids that is said to reside in Central Africa. Still, if you see it, don't ever dare to look it in the eye since it will be sent into a flying rage and kill you.

Now the Kongamato may be a creature you may not have heard of but it’s sort of a large Pterodactyl on steroids that is said to reside in Central Africa. Still, if you see it, don’t ever dare to look it in the eye since it will be sent into a flying rage and kill you.

Type: Cryptid, Living Dinosaur
From: African Folklore
Features: Large bird with a tooth filled bill, leathery reptilian skin, and bat like wings. Has large, sharp, and powerful claws. Can resemble a pterosaur and is said to be red or black. Wingspan is said to be 3-3 ½ ft and is estimated to be 4 ½ ft from feet to tail.
Behavior: Hates being looked at in the eye. Said to have a very short temper.
Habitat: The jungles and swamps of Central Africa covering Angola, Zamibia, and the DRC.
Is It Dangerous?: Can clutch and carry off substantially large prey with ease. Known to suddenly attack from the sky only to dive into lakes and rivers to capsize boats and drown any passengers. Any living creature who dares looks into its eyes, angers it and faces certain death. Sightings or mention sends entire villages running in fear, abandoning possessions and homes.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: If you saw one, you wouldn’t want to get rid of it. Just don’t look at it in the eye.

 

58. Goblin

Goblins come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and personality. I see that this one is some badass warrior with a big ass knife as well as a bow and arrow. You may not want to mess with him.

Goblins come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and personality. I see that this one is some badass warrior with a big ass knife as well as a bow and arrow. You may not want to mess with him.

Type: Imp
From: Worldwide Legend
Features: At most they are 3 – 3 ½ ft tall and weigh up to 40 – 45 pounds. Utterly grotesque looking. Often depicted as brown, gray, green. Could have long fingers and elf like ears. Can be flat faced with small sharp fangs and a broad nose. Sometimes portrayed with hair or horns. Give off an awful stench. Appearances vary and there are a lot of different types.
Behavior: Travel in large numbers. Can range from annoying, mischievous, to downright evil. Said to be greedy and love gold. Can resort to dirty tricks and ambushes. Sometimes may possess magical abilities. Can be stupid or cowardly though in Harry Potter, they’re seen as dependable bankers.
Habitat: Caves, dungeons, ghost towns, and woodlands.
Is It Dangerous?: Depends on the story. The Gringotts goblins in Harry Potter aren’t very hostile but you don’t want to mess with them. The ones in Middle Earth, well, let’s say you want to go anywhere near them. Yet, some legends have them ride giant wolves into battle.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Once again, depends on the story.
How to Get Rid of It: I’m not sure about this one.

 

59. Banshee

Now if you think this fearsome banshee isn't much to look at, you don't want to hear anything that comes out of her mouth which is an omen of death. Yeah, kind of kills the mood rather literally.

Now if you think this fearsome banshee isn’t much to look at, you don’t want to hear anything that comes out of her mouth which is an omen of death. Yeah, kind of kills the mood rather literally.

Type: Undead, Spirit, Humanoid
From: Irish Folklore
Features: Can appear as a young woman, a distinguished matron, or a tousled old hag. Known for shrieking incredibly loud but can sometimes be heard eerie singing or softly wailing. Hair is often long and light in color. Often seen wearing a gray or white hooded cloak. Often depicted in decomposition. Still, appearances vary.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal. Said to be capable of transforming into animals associated with witchcraft like a crow, hare, and weasel. Often depicted as airborne.
Habitat: Ireland.
Is It Dangerous?: Hearing her cry at night means that someone is about to die. Originally it only pertained to five Irish families but intermarriage has expanded that. In some legends, her cries meant that someone holy was about to bite the dust. In any event, hearing her cries isn’t a good sign.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: I’m not sure if you can.

 

60. Adlet (a.k.a. Erqugdlit or Erqugdlit)

You may think the Adlet is some Native American werewolf and in a way you might be right. Yet, these creatures were as wolf people and are in this state all the time. Werewolves are a different story.

You may think the Adlet is some Native American werewolf and in a way you might be right. Yet, these creatures were as wolf people and are in this state all the time. Werewolves are a different story.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Inuit Mythology
Features: Has upper body of human and lower body of dog. Covered in fiery red fur and often have a long snout, pointed ears, long tails, and fiercely yellow eyes. Depictions may vary.
Behavior: Travel in packs and are very ferocious.
Habitat: Labrador and Hudson Bay Coasts of Canada.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, they are known to be bloodthirsty and some were said to be sent across the sea to ravage the white races by their mother. They are merciless killers known to attack and feed on anything that crosses in their path. Favorite treat is blood from a newly slain human.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Hell no.
How to Get Rid of It: Are susceptible and can be destroyed with silver and fire.

 

Mythological Creatures Reexamined: Part 3 – Golem to Troll

Of course, there seems to be a lot of Greek monsters and dragons from the west so far but I’ll soon get to other cultures and folklore as well as urban legends when I get the chance. Still, this selection has a lot of diversity as far as mythological creatures go. From Greek Mythology we have Talos and the Phoenix. From Scandanvian legend, Norse Mythology, and Northern European Folklore we have the Kraken, the Ogre, and the Troll. We also touch upon American Urban Legendary creatures like Mothman and the Jersey Devil as well as the Seed Eater from Canada and the Gremlin from World War II. Then there’s the Golem from Jewish Folklore, the Leucrocuta from Indian Mythology, the Kelpie from Celtic Mythology, the Thunderbird from Native American Legend, and the Kappa from Japanese Mythology. Finally we have one of the more universal creatures known as the Ghost. Talk about a United Nations of legendary creatures here. Now without further adieu, here is a list of even more mythological monsters.

 

31. Golem

Now the moral of the Golem story is that making a magical figurine out of rock, clay, or wood to have it serve your needs probably isn't a good idea. Nor is slavery in that matter.

Now the moral of the Golem story is that making a magical figurine out of rock, clay, or wood to have it serve your needs probably isn’t a good idea. Nor is slavery in that matter.

Type: Anthropomorphic Being, Humanoid
From: Jewish Folklore (mentioned in the Bible)
Features: Has a human like body made of clay, rock, or wood. Often have the word “emeth” written on their foreheads or a stone tablet placed on the monster’s mouth.
Behavior: Live in people’s households and generally peaceful until they grow up and learn about life by observing the people around them. Can’t speak very much.
Habitat: Czech Republic
Is It Dangerous?: Not at first, but as they grow strong and learn about life, their bursts of anger become increasingly violent.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, they can serve as slaves but will eventually grow too big and strong for their master to handle. Let’s just say domesticating one isn’t a good idea.
How to Get Rid of It: Say “meth” which is the Hebrew word for death.

 

32. Gremlin

Basically these are the little creatures who get into your machinery when they aren't working right. So if your car wouldn't start or can't get cell phone reception, it's probably the gremlins.

Basically these are the little creatures who get into your machinery when they aren’t working right. So if your car wouldn’t start or can’t get cell phone reception, it’s probably the gremlins.

Type: Imp
From: Superstitions from RAF pilots during WWII.
Features: Small creatures with oversized pointy ears. Resemble miniature gargoyles. Sometimes depicted with fur or wings.
Behavior: Usually travel in groups causing mayhem and mischief to people as they please. Love to hide from people so they could watch their frustrations over their pranks. They also like fooling around with electrical devices like cars and planes.
Habitat: Anywhere. Yet, machinery and electronics are ideal places.
Is It Dangerous?: Most of their pranks are harmless but some of these miniature monster pranks could have tragic outcomes like plane wrecks and car accidents.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: I’m not sure if you can but it will be difficult.

 

33. Leucrocuta (a. k. a. Corcotta or Leucrotta)

Sure this monster may seem harmless but it's basically a man eater Indian monster known to lure people in a trap just by calling their names.

Sure this monster may seem harmless but it’s basically a man eater Indian monster known to lure people in a trap just by calling their names.

Type: Hybrid
From: Indian and Ethiopian Mythology
Features: Has a horse’s head and hind quarters as well as front legs and body of a lion. About the size of a donkey with large bony gums stretching from ear to ear. Sometimes depicted with a badger’s head. Sometimes described as part lion, hyena, horse, and badger. Usually portrayed with cloven hooves and making hyena sounds.
Behavior: Solitary.
Habitat: India
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, said to call victims by name to lure them out and tear them to pieces. Sometimes imitate the sounds of a wounded person so it could attract curious dogs and feast on them. Very fast.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Don’t even think about it.
How to Get Rid of It: I’m not sure how or if you can.

 

34. Jersey Devil

Of course, the legend of the Jersey Devil predates New Jersey's reputation for superfund sites, gangsters, corruption, and Snooki. Still, if this monster was on MTV's Jersey Shore, I bet the show wouldn't be canceled.

Of course, the legend of the Jersey Devil predates New Jersey’s reputation for superfund sites, gangsters, corruption, and Snooki. Still, if this monster was on MTV’s Jersey Shore, I bet the show wouldn’t be canceled.

Type: Cryptid, Spirit
From: United States
Features: Has deformed body and head of a horse, horns, and large bat like wings. Sometimes depicted with antlers, claws, and/or tusks.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal.
Habitat: Pine Barrens in southern New Jersey. Lives near swamps and forests.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, known to terrorize the neighboring villages. Sometimes would burst out of chimneys to attack people and animals as well as steal a pot of simmering stew. Prone to kill people and livestock as well as feast on small children.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, I’m sure New Jersey’s superfund sites might take care of that creature.

 

35. Kraken

Of course, who's ever on that submarine isn't going to last once the Kraken is done playing with it. Still, Perseus didn't fight with this monster in the original myths, because it's a Scandinavian monster, not Greek. Having Thor fight it would make more sense.

Of course, who’s ever on that submarine isn’t going to last once the Kraken is done playing with it. Still, Perseus didn’t fight with this monster in the original myths, because it’s a Scandinavian monster, not Greek. Having Thor fight it would make more sense.

Type: Sea Monster, Cryptid
From: Norwegian and Scandinavian Legend (Not Greek Mythology despite it being the monster in Clash of the Titans. It was only there because Ray Harryhausen didn’t want to do another dragon and that “release the Cetus” didn’t have a nice ring to it.)
Features: Gigantic squid or octopus. Said to be the size of a small island that some sightings could be logged as pieces of land. Can be 100-150ft in length or more. Has an infinite lifespan. Sometimes depicted as a sea serpent or humanoid squid. Sometimes depicted with gnashing teeth.
Behavior: Solitary.
Habitat: Coasts of Norway, Greenland, and Iceland. Can survive both in land and water.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. Has superhuman strength that could easily wrap its tentacles around ships and drag them into deep waters with ease. Can create powerful whirlpools when they quickly submerge which can suck down anything caught with it, including large ships. Can rip apart huge fleets and destroy cities and humans with its might.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: You might want to use a harpoon or several. Perhaps a giant fishing net.

 

36. Kappa

The Kappa is a complex monster which can range from harmless prankster and sexual harassser to outright vicious. Of course, this one is an outright pervert watching women skinny dipping. Also kind of resembles a cross between a house elf and a turtle.

The Kappa is a complex monster which can range from harmless prankster and sexual harassser to outright vicious. Of course, this one is an outright pervert watching women skinny dipping. Also kind of resembles a cross between a house elf and a turtle.

Type: Cryptid, Imp, Yokai, Water Monster
From: Japanese Mythology
Features: Roughly humanoid in form and about the size of a child. Have scaly reptilian skin that could be green, yellow, or blue as well as webbed hands and feet. Can smell like fish. Appearance varies from region to region. Most consistent features are a beak for a mouth, a carapace, a flat hairless plate on the forehead called a sara which is always filled with water and a source of power. May have arms connected to each other that they could slide from one end to the other.
Behavior: Are expert swimmers, very intelligent, and knowledgeable in medicine. Are very mischievous and enjoy playing pranks on people. Obsess over politeness. Curious about human civilization and can speak Japanese. They can also be help farmers irrigate their land. Omnivores.
Habitat: Japan. Inhabit ponds and rivers. May venture on land occasionally and spend fall and winter in the mountains.
Is It Dangerous?: Their pranks can range from relatively harmless like looking up women’s kimonos and passing gas to the malevolent like drowning people and animals, kidnapping children, and raping women. They do love human flesh but their favorite food is cucumbers. Carve your name and birth date on a cucumber and throw it in the pond, they’ll leave you alone.
Can It Be Domesticated?: If you befriend one, it will be a friend for life or go against its word.
How to Get Rid of It: Trick it to hollow its head by making one bow. It will spill water and be powerless. Let its sara dry and it will die.

 

37. Mothman

Now I posted a picture of a Mothman sculpture in a previous post which I think is kind of creepy. Yet, it has appeared on TV shows now and then such as Spongebob Squarepants and The X Files which have absolutely nothing in common with each other. Also, has his own Syfy movie. Still, I wish he could be in a fight with Godzilla.

Now I posted a picture of a Mothman sculpture in a previous post which I think is kind of creepy. Yet, it has appeared on TV shows now and then such as Spongebob Squarepants and The X Files which have absolutely nothing in common with each other. Also, has his own Syfy movie. Still, I wish he could be in a fight with Godzilla.

Type: Cryptid, Humanoid, Hybrid
From: United States but might have roots in older folk tales
Features: Has torso, arms, and legs of a man as well as insect like head, 10ft wings, and hands and feet. Has large bright red eyes and is very tall.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal. Capable of teleportation and possesses superhuman strength.
Habitat: Point Pleasant area of West Virginia.
Is It Dangerous?: We’re not really sure about that since most of his stories are related to sightings. May predict or cause natural disasters. Yet, looking into his eyes may cause blindness and irritation.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Again, we’re not sure about that either.

 

38. Seed Eater (a. k. a. Birdman or Rag Face)

If this guy was a muppet character on Sesame Street, I bet he'd be the neighborhood serial killer. Seriously, he totally looks the part to be in a muppet edition of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

If this guy was a muppet character on Sesame Street, I bet he’d be the neighborhood serial killer. Seriously, he totally looks the part to be in a muppet edition of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Type: Humanoid (Yet, despite the name, this monster isn’t known for eating seeds but children.)
From: Canada (created by a blogger named Cliff Howry.)
Features: Tall and has a vague human appearance, dark green or brown skin, and long dark hair. Wears a stitched rag mask with two eye holes to see and another for a mouth, beak, or snout. Emits a foul odor.
Behavior: Solitary and nocturnal. Can climb trees and make sudden noises or movements before disappearing.
Habitat: North America. Resides in woodlands.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, has been known to hunt children for its prey every few years, which is why it tends to hunt playgrounds. Yet, it will attack anyone who interferes. Most adult abductions will result in the person being turned into another Seed Eater.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, one boy managed to beat this monster with a baseball bat to repel. Yet, he was unable to speak again due what the monster did to his throat and now lives in a basement guarded 24/7.

 

39. Kelpie (a. k. a. Water Horse)

Sure this may be a lovely creature you'd want to ride on. Yet, bear in mind that you don't want to go on a water pony ride on this thing which tends to fake tameness to lure its prey: humans.

Sure this may be a lovely creature you’d want to ride on. Yet, bear in mind that you don’t want to go on a water pony ride on this thing which tends to fake tameness to lure its prey: humans.

Type: Water Monster
From: Celtic Mythology
Features: Often depicted with a horse’s head with finned front limbs and a fish tail. Mostly depicted as black but can be gray, green, or white. Mane is always wet and covered with seaweed. Howls and wails before upcoming storms. Loch Ness Monster is sometimes identified as one. Appearances vary on depiction.
Behavior: Solitary. Has shapeshifting abilities in its magic bridle and can adopt to human form. Said to have the strength of 10 horses.
Habitat: Near freshwater lakes, streams, and rivers.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, eats humans. Despite being seemingly tame at first, it’s been known to lure people tempted to mount it for an apparently innocent ride. However, once a person saddles up, the creature would dive into the deepest waters and drown its victims. Can transform into a smoking hot man or woman to lure a victim of the opposite sex into a trap, usually to a watery grave where it could eat them.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Yes it can be harnessed to transport heavy millstones. However, it can’t be domesticated for long because it hates being enslaved at farms.
How to Get Rid of It: Can be captured using a halter stamped with a cross sign. Can be killed by being shot with a silver bullet.

 

40. Ogre

Now ogres may not always be completely stupid in legends but they are nothing like what you see in the Shrek movies. Of course, the Shrek in the original William Steig stories was pretty ugly than in the Dreamworks films.

Now ogres may not always be completely stupid in legends but they are nothing like what you see in the Shrek movies. Of course, the Shrek in the original William Steig stories was pretty ugly than in the Dreamworks films. Yet, Shrek is a parody.

Type: Humanoid
From: Northern European Folklore
Features: Large, muscular, and ugly with deformed facial features. Tend to smell bad. Often depicted as green. Sometimes portrayed with horns or fangs.
Behavior: Solitary. Often seen as stupid but many are highly intelligent and could even perform magic. Yet, mostly use primitive weapons in battle.
Habitat: Near villages in swamps and mountains.
Is It Dangerous?: Absolutely. They have tremendous strength and could easily rip apart their enemies with their bare hands. Can be brutal and exhibit cruel and vicious violence, especially when hungry. Doesn’t help you that human flesh is their favorite meal, especially the tender flesh of small children.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell. Well, Shrek, maybe but not as a pet. Then again, Shrek isn’t a bad ogre.
How to Get Rid of It: Depends on the story.

 

41. Talos

Now this is Talos as designed by Ray Harryhausen for Jason and the Argonauts. However, remember he's not the guy who's modeled for the Colossus of Rhodes. That would be Helios. Still, he does a Colossus of Rhodes pose in the movie.

Now this is Talos as designed by Ray Harryhausen for Jason and the Argonauts. However, remember he’s not the guy who’s modeled for the Colossus of Rhodes. That would be Helios. Still, he does a Colossus of Rhodes pose in the movie.

Type: Humanoid, Anthropomorphic Being
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Gigantic human-like body made of bronze. Ran on ichor, the blood of the gods with a bronze nail keeping the fluid from leaking out.
Behavior: Created by Hephaestus and is strong enough to move boulders at any ships. Charged with guarding Zeus’ lover Europa on Crete.
Habitat: Crete in Ancient Greece.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes. He can hurl huge boulders at ships and burned any captured pirates on his armor. Actually you can say he was made to be a killing machine.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Not as a pet but he was used by Zeus to guard his lover Europa on Crete.
How to Get Rid of It: Charmed and given a sleeping potion by Medea who removed the bronze nail from his heel and drained his lifeblood that finally killed him.

 

42. Phoenix (a. k. a. Firebird)

Despite the fact it's a firebird, the phoenixes are usually harmless creatures to anyone who's good. Of course, this doesn't mean it can't attack for Fawkes did blind a basilisk in Harry Potter.

Despite the fact it’s a firebird, the phoenixes are usually harmless creatures to anyone who’s good. Of course, this doesn’t mean it can’t attack for Fawkes did blind a basilisk in Harry Potter.

Type: Divine Bird
From: Greek Mythology (first described by Herodotus in 484-425 BCE.)
Features: Traditionally splendidly multi-colored firebird resembling an eagle. Usually depicted with orange, red, and yellow feathers but coloration varies by legend. Also portrayed as gigantic Its life cycles could last from 500 to 1000 years. Tears are pure and capable of extreme healing powers. Cry is the most soothing and captivating song one could ever grace to hear. Older images have them with nimbuses and seven rays.
Behavior: Solitary. Eats only spices and drinks dew.
Habitat: Greece.
Is It Dangerous?: Despite being a fire bird, they’re incapable of killing or crushing a single living creature. Yet, they can burn or peck you though.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, it’s been known to serve as a sidekick to heroes and warriors so yes. Also, Dumbledore owned one in Harry Potter.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, you can kill it, but all it’s going to do is combust and rise from its ashes all over again. I mean it’s immortal so destroying one is basically pointless.

 

43. Thunderbird

Now this is probably one of the few legendary creatures you've heard of from Native American Legend. Of course, this may be because this bird has a car from Ford as well as an e-mail service named after it.

Now this is probably one of the few legendary creatures you’ve heard of from Native American Legend. Of course, this may be because this bird has a car from Ford as well as an e-mail service named after it.

Type: Divine Bird, Cryptid
From: Native American Folklore
Features: An extremely large bird resembling an eagle capable of shooting lightning. Traditionally depicted as multicolored with two curling horns and teeth within its beak. Can be blue, purple, white, or yellow in depiction. Carries around golden snakes with it.
Behavior: Solitary. Wingbeats can pull clouds together. Its wing claps can generate thunder. Generates sheet lightning by flashing its eyes when it blinks. And throws lightning bolts made by glowing snakes it carries around with. Has variations that have other powers like shapeshifting, generating rainfall, and others.
Habitat: The Americas.
Is It Dangerous?: It’s best to be avoided at all costs, refrain from disturbing or upsetting it in anyway. Else, you might become a human lightning rod.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: You can’t since they’re probably immortal.

 

44. Ghost

Now ghosts can come in all shapes and sizes but I'm sure seeing one will certainly freak anyone help. I mean imagine if you're grandmother's spirit came back from the dead. You wouldn't want that.

Now ghosts can come in all shapes and sizes but I’m sure seeing one will certainly freak anyone help. I mean imagine if you’re grandmother’s spirit came back from the dead. You wouldn’t want that.

Type: Spirit, Undead
From: Worldwide
Features: Basically disembodied souls of humans or other creatures. Can be depicted white or transparent. Can be portrayed as a white mass or as normal people or animals. Have no density. Can moan, wail, whisper, scream, or cry.
Behavior: Depends on the ghost. Have superhuman speed and can pass through things. Also possess telekinesis and glow in the dark.
Habitat: Graveyards, haunted houses, old stomping grounds, and other places.
Is It Dangerous?: Depends on the particular ghost. Though they could possess other people’s bodies and minds. Yet, if you’re killed by a ghost, you usually end up becoming one since such demise is unnatural.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Nope. They’re dead.
How to Get Rid of It: Best to confront it with iron, salt, or Holy Relics. Also, burning the item that keeps them on earth also helps transport them to the afterlife.

 

45. Troll

Trolls are among the more familiar creatures in Norse Mythology which are known to be man-eaters that tend to turn into stone at sunrise. Today, they're just obnoxious internet commentars who rant on things they know nothing about.

Trolls are among the more familiar creatures in Norse Mythology which are known to be man-eaters that tend to turn into stone at sunrise. Today, they’re just obnoxious internet commentars who rant on things they know nothing about.

Type: Humanoid
From: Norse Mythology
Features: Very large, ugly, and beast like monsters that smell very bad. May have horns, long arms, warts, hairy skin, and humped backs. Also said to have disfigured faces, deformed teeth, and huge ears. Usually depicted as green or gray. There are a lot of different types.
Behavior: Either solitary or live together in family groups. Not very bright but very strong. Also nocturnal. Could behave more like human beings in some legends.
Habitat: Caves, under bridges, burrows, underground, and isolated mountains.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, they are man eaters and are rarely helpful to human beings.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Hell, no.
How to Get Rid of It: Exposing them to sunlight may turn them into stone.

Mythological Creatures Reexamined: Part 2 – Peluda to Griffin

So we’re off to a good start with the monsters in legend and myth. Of course, we have many more to go though you’ve noticed that some of the Greek monsters were related to the Twelve Labors of Hercules. Well, he did fight a lot of ferocious monsters but that’s why you hire a super strong demi-god for the job. Still, in this selection we have even more creatures for your pleasure. Of course, we’ll look at a few from the Greeks like the Lernaean Hydra, the Nemean Lion, the Aetus Caucasius, the Gorgon, the Minotaur, the Sphinx, the Centaur, Pegasus, the Siren, and the Harpy. Yes, Greek Mythology has a lot of monsters. For the Middle East we have the Manticore and the Griffin. We also have Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein Monster (though I’m not sure if this would qualify other than being an undead lab creation since Dr. Frankenstein was kind of the real monster in that story), the Peluda Dragon, and the Mermaid. So without further adieu I introduce you to these monsters from Greek Mythology and others.

16. Peluda (a. k. a. Occitan)

Sorry, but this isn't a dinosaur from Jurassic Park either. Just a dragon from French Folklore known to survive the Great Flood who was killed by a widower who cut its tail.

Sorry, but this isn’t a dinosaur from Jurassic Park either. Just a dragon from French Folklore known to survive the Great Flood who was killed by a widower who cut off its tail.

Type: Dragon
From: French Folklore
Features: Being green with spikes all over its body are its defining features. Yet, accounts depend whether it has an ox sized porcupine body or just a mess of green hair like projections that were actually poison quills. Traditionally depicted with a snake’s head, neck, and tail as well as large tortoise like feet. Often portrayed as a very shaggy dragon.
Behavior: Solitary and extremely aggressive.
Habitat: Huisne River in France. Resides in a cave where it waited out the Great Flood.
Is It Dangerous?: Absolutely. Has extremely poisonous quills it could fire off like arrows, breathe fire, wither crops with a searing breath, create floods by stepping into rivers, kill a full grown man with a single stroke of its tail, spit out a powerful stream of water or acid, and is practically invulnerable except in its tail. Has been known to terrorize Le Ferte-Bernard, France and devour humans and livestock.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: Simple, cut off its tail. One guy did this when the dragon killed his fiancée. Messed with the wrong dude there.

17. Lernaean Hydra (a. k. a. Hydra)

Of course, contrary to the Disney movie, the head slicing of this Hydra in the original myths went a lot differently. Still, Hercules knew what he was dealing with so he enlisted his nephew to help.

Of course, contrary to the Disney movie, the head slicing of this Hydra in the original myths went a lot differently. Still, Hercules knew what he was dealing with so he enlisted his nephew to help.

Type: Hybrid, Sea Monster, Serpent
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Gigantic water serpent with one large head and eight smaller ones. Largest head was immortal. All heads sprout very sharp razor fangs overflowing with deadly venom. Has very thick and strong body, webbed feet, and serpent tail.
Behavior: Solitary and extremely ferocious.
Habitat: Lerna in Ancient Greece, where he was blocking the town’s only water source when Hercules came along. Lives in a swamp.
Is It Dangerous?: Absolutely. Breath is extremely poisonous which could kill all living things in his territory. Blood and saliva are also poisonous.
Can It Be Domesticated?: You can forget about that. He hates humans.
How to Get Rid of It: You can forget trying to kill him in the conventional way because battle wounds would just make it stronger especially if you resort to decapitation. That only leads it to sprouting more heads. Hercules couldn’t defeat this monster without the help of his nephew Iolaus who burned the flesh from every hydra head his uncle decapitated. Hercules proceeded to bury the remaining immortal head deep underground. Hercules would use the monster’s poisonous blood for his later labors.

18. Nemean Lion

Of course, this may be a magnificent lion but its a real destructive force and has skin that's almost indestructible. That's why Hercules strangled it with his bare hands and wore its skin for armor.

Of course, this may be a magnificent lion but its a real destructive force and has skin that’s almost indestructible. That’s why Hercules strangled it with his bare hands and wore its skin for armor.

Type: Abnormal Animal
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Just a large lion with golden fur with very sharp claws (sharper than any mortal’s sword). Often depicted with a man which means he’s probably a male.
Behavior: Solitary but not looking for a group of lionesses to bang, which is outside of normal lone male lion behavior.
Habitat: Nemea in Ancient Greece. Lives in a cave.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes. He’s extremely strong with impenetrable skin. Can kill any human with a swipe of his claw. Has a ravenous taste for blood. Known to terrorize Nemea.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Don’t even think about it.
How to Get Rid of It: Strangled by Hercules’ bare hands. Skinned the beast with one if his claws and made a cloak he used as armor.

19. Frankenstein (a. k. a. Frankenstein’s Monster)

Of course, I know people would have a problem if I didn't go with the Boris Karloff edition of Frankenstein's Monster. Still, even if he did burn a windmill and drown that girl, you kind of have to feel pretty bad for him since everyone in the village was being a complete jerk. Still, what Dr. Frankenstein did to him was just cruel.

Of course, I know people would have a problem if I didn’t go with the Boris Karloff edition of Frankenstein’s Monster. Still, even if he did burn a windmill and drown that girl, you kind of have to feel pretty bad for him since everyone in the village was being a complete jerk. Still, what Dr. Frankenstein did to him was just cruel.

Type: Undead (created in a freak experiment by a medical student named Victor Frankenstein but calls himself Adam)
From: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein from the 19th century.
Features: A hideous monster made out of deceased body parts from various corpses. About as tall and muscular as an NBA player. Often depicted as green with bolts in his neck and surgical all over him. Mostly portrayed as having a flat-looking head, sunken eyes, and wearing ragged clothes. Movies have him possess an abnormal brain.
Behavior: Solitary but not by choice yet is also emotional and sensitive. In the novel, he is extremely intelligent, eloquent, well-mannered, and knows how to read as well as eager to learn and experience life. He’s even fluent in three languages. Seeks to connect with people but has a hard time due to his hideous appearance that makes people want to run away and shun him. Movies have him mute and almost infantile as well as afraid of fire.
Habitat: Germany but roamed the Arctic.
Is It Dangerous?: He’s generally peaceful but can be easily provoked with rage. Still, he’s very strong. The reason why he becomes so violent later on is because he’s very bad with first impressions which leads to him scaring people who ostracize him. Of course, he probably wouldn’t have killed Victor’s brother and bride if Victor had just at least accepted him or at least gave him a girlfriend. Victor is just revolted that his creation isn’t beautiful.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, not like a pet, but he could live in human society if Victor (or anyone else) just accepted him.
How to Get Rid of It: In the book, he perishes with Dr. Victor Frankenstein in the Arctic weeping over Victor’s corpse. Movies vary.

20. Aetus Caucasius (a. k. a. Caucasian Eagle, Griffin-Vulture, or Ethon)

You may not have heard of this creature, but this is the giant bird that pecked Prometheus' liver every day after Zeus punished him for giving fire to humans. Well, until Hercules killed it during his labor for the golden apples.

You may not have heard of this creature, but this is the giant bird that pecked Prometheus’ liver every day after Zeus punished him for giving fire to humans. Well, until Hercules killed it during his labor for the golden apples.

Type: Divine Bird
From: Greek Mythology
Features: A gigantic demonic eagle. Sometimes said to be automation by Hephaestus. Sometimes depicted as a vulture.
Behavior: Solitary. Basically is sent by Zeus to fly to Mount Kazbek to disembowel Prometheus on a daily basis as punishment for stealing fire for humanity.
Habitat: Mount Kazbek in the Caucasus.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, there’s no sign that it has ever harmed mortals. However, I’m sure that nobody in their right mind would want to go near it.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Only by Zeus.
How to Get Rid of It: Killed by Hercules with an arrow.

21. Gorgon

Of course, Medusa was best know for not being much to look at. Well, I don't mean she was ugly. It's just when people would look at her and her sisters, they'd turn to stone, literally.

Of course, Medusa was best know for not being much to look at. Well, I don’t mean she was ugly. It’s just when people would look at her and her sisters, they’d turn to stone, literally.

Type: Hybrid, Serpent, Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology (Medusa’s the most famous)
Features: Usually depicted as a woman with snakes in her hair or having snakes as hair. Traditionally they had a woman’s upper half, fangs, snake as hair (or in hair), and a serpent’s lower body. Have long pointed nails and forked tongues. Sometimes described as having golden wings, bronze claws, and boar tusks. Stheno and Euryale may be immortal while Medusa is certainly not. Either seen as completely hideous or beautiful but their looks were still pointless anyway.
Behavior: There are three of them named Stheno, Euryale, and Medusa who are sisters living together. Were originally humans but were transformed to such beasts because of excessive vanity (well, that or just born that way. Or Medusa became one after sex with Poseidon {though consent may vary}, thanks to Athena). Basically have hated them since.
Habitat: Greece.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, anyone who looks at them turns to stone and they’d use such tactic to satisfy their complete hatred for humans and Stheno was said to kill more people than her sisters combined. Of course, if they look at you, then you’d just be petrified.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Since they used to be human, no.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, in Medusa’s case, Perseus basically beheaded her while using his shield as a mirror. The others may be immortal.

22. Minotaur

Of course, you don't want to face this man eating bull headed monster. Seriously, this guy is almost unstoppable for a human and bovine hybrid. Still, he was the monster in the original Hunger Games in the Ancient Greek legends.

Of course, you don’t want to face this man eating bull headed monster. Seriously, this guy is almost unstoppable for a human and bovine hybrid. Still, he was the monster in the original Hunger Games in the Ancient Greek legends.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Body of human male with head and tail of a bull. Named Prince Asterion. Medieval depictions have him with a bull body but a human torso and/or head. Has long sharp pointy nails. Sometimes depicted as hairy, sometimes not.
Behavior: Solitary but not really by choice. Has more to do with his stepdad (or biological dad) sealing him up in a Labyrinth for being bull headed and tailed.
Habitat: Crete in Ancient Greece. Sealed in a Labyrinth under Knossos palace.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, it’s known to have an insatiable appetite for human flesh which might have more to do with the fact that Minos tends to feed him slaves from Athens every year. Still, he’s very strong and extremely ferocious.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Unless you keep him in a Labyrinth under the Knossos like Minos would. Then again, he’s technically a man, so no.
How to Get Rid of It: Killed by Theseus with his bare hands.

23. Sphinx

Of course, the moral story of Oedipus and the Sphinx is that all those years in Quiz Bowl could amount to saving Thebes. Still, after Oedipus successfully answered the Riddles of the Sphinx, thinks don't go so well when he marries Jocasta and becomes King of Thebes. Still, Oedipus's tragedy would've been avoided if his legal parents just told him he was adopted.

Of course, the moral story of Oedipus and the Sphinx is that all those years in Quiz Bowl could amount to saving Thebes. Still, after Oedipus successfully answered the Riddles of the Sphinx, thinks don’t go so well when he marries Jocasta and becomes King of Thebes. Still, Oedipus’s tragedy would’ve been avoided if his legal parents just told him he was adopted.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Greek, Mesopotamian, and Egyptian Mythology
Features: Head of a woman, body of a lion, feathered wings, and snake tail. Sometimes depicted with dragon wings. Sometimes depicted with a mane. Mesopotamian and Egyptian Sphinxes are usually male. The Greek Sphnix is always female. Some accounts have it containing the body of a wolf or head of a ram with massive horns. Tends to be portrayed with a woman’s upper body.
Behavior: Can talk but speaks in riddles which she’s absolutely confident you won’t answer. Solitary.
Habitat: Mount Phicium near Thebes in Ancient Greece.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, she terrorized Thebes and wouldn’t let people leave unless they could answer her riddles. She strangled and devoured those who didn’t.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Leapt to her death off a cliff in a rage after Oedipus answered her riddles successfully.

24. Manticore

Of course, this may be magnificent but he's a man eater who nobody has been able to subdue. Seriously, if you see a lion with a man's face and scorpion tail, head for the hills. Oh, wait, too late for that.

Of course, this may be magnificent but he’s a man eater who nobody has been able to subdue. Seriously, if you see a lion with a man’s face and scorpion tail, head for the hills. Oh, wait, too late for that.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Indian and Persian Legend
Features: Has lion’s body, a man’s head, and a scorpion like tail with poisonous spikes (or dragon’s). Has three rows of shark like teeth and an oversized mouth. Huge and muscular with a lion’s mane. Equipped with extremely long and sharp claws as well as a trumpet sounding voice. Sometimes is depicted with bat like wings. Can be portrayed with a tiger’s body as well as well as just a lion’s head.
Behavior: Solitary and very ferocious.
Habitat: Asia
Is It Dangerous?: Oh yes. Tail is poisonous and capable of shooting spikes at its victims at a distance which paralyzes them. Can kill and devour any man with a few simple bites. Has a hunger and taste strictly for human flesh. Leaves no clothes, possessions, or bones of prey behind.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: When you encounter a manticore, you’re basically screwed since its mythology states that not one victim has ever escaped its grasp to tell the tale.

25. Centaur

Some say that the Greeks' concept for a centaur came from seeing a bunch of guys mounted on horseback from Eastern Europe. Of course, these creatures have certain human and animal personality traits.

Some say that the Greeks’ concept for a centaur came from seeing a bunch of guys mounted on horseback from Eastern Europe. Of course, these creatures have certain human and animal personality traits.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Top half body and bottom half horse. Often depicted with long hair and sometimes with wings or antlers.
Behavior: Often live in herds with up to 50 members. Actively avoid humans. Can be pretty wise as well as be quite skilled with herbal healing, astronomy and archery.
Habitat: Greece. Tend to live in deep old growth forests and mountain areas.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, they’re not man eaters but they have enhanced strength, speed, and combat skills. Yet, they could also be wild and crazed creatures that could wreak havoc and pillaging with improvised weapons to satisfy their lusts. And yes, they can rape women (so think about that for a second when you read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix). Either way, you don’t want to mess with them.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not, since they’re semi-humanoid and prefer their own kind, socially.
How to Get Rid of It: Drive them off a cliff when they’re angry or horny since they aren’t easily defeated with weapons.

26. Pegasus

Now Pegasus was one of the coolest horses in Greek Mythology, and no, he didn't get his wings from drinking a bunch of Red Bull. Still, I can see why Zeus kept him after Bellephron fell off of him.

Now Pegasus was one of the coolest horses in Greek Mythology, and no, he didn’t get his wings from drinking a bunch of Red Bull. Still, I can see why Zeus kept him after Bellephron fell off of him.

Type: Divine Horse
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Magnificent white horse with feathered wings. Can be depicted other colors and with a horn.
Behavior: Solitary and is often used as a sidekick. Also, brings lightning and thunder from Mount Olympus under Zeus. Creator of the Hippocrene fountain at Mount Helicon.
Habitat: Greece and later Mount Olympus.
Is It Dangerous?: Not to humans and is perfectly tame.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Yes, goes through three owners in Greek mythology. First by Perseus after slaying Medusa and then captured by Bellephron. After Bellephron’s fall, Zeus keeps him.
How to Get Rid of It: He’s immortal so you can’t and so cool you don’t want to.

27. Siren

Contrary to most depictions, the Sirens weren't mermaids. They were birdwomen whose songs drove sailors to their gory demise. Also, they aren't very suited for the water anyway and were known to have drowned.

Contrary to most depictions, the Sirens weren’t mermaids. They were birdwomen whose songs drove sailors to their gory demise. Also, they aren’t very suited for the water anyway and were known to have drowned.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Head and body of a woman as well as legs and wings of a bird. Sang beautiful and hypnotic songs that no man can resist (except Odysseus). Said to be very beautiful and rather angelic looking and are sometimes depicted with golden wings and feathers. They aren’t mermaids but often mistaken as such. Sometimes they’re just depicted as women, usually naked though.
Behavior: Travel in groups. Odysseus encounters three of them. Were Persephone’s handmaidens and were transformed to their present state by Demeter after Hades kidnapped her daughter. Whether it was to punish them or help her search for Persephone is anyone’s guess. I mean Demeter is one of the nicest goddesses but she didn’t take her daughter’s abduction very well at all.
Habitat: Mediterranean Sea. Contrary to popular belief, they aren’t fully aquatic.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, their songs have led to many drownings and shipwrecks on their island. They would also kill and devour survivors. Odysseus was the only guy known to hear their songs and tell the tale. Still, despite being beautiful and angelic, they’re evil little buggers.
Can It Be Domesticated?: They’re bird women so certainly not. Nor are they women you want to bring home, especially if you’re a married man.
How to Get Rid of It: Some say that when a Orpheus sang his song, they were so heartbroken at being outdone that they threw themselves from their island, died, and turned into rocks. Those ships who passed them unharmed would compel these beauties to drown themselves.

28. Mermaid

Of course, everyone's familiar with mermaids since they appear in Disney movies, tuna labels, fairy tales, and so much more. Of course, many of the legends are kind of in the reverse Disney's Little Mermaid but they don't end well.

Of course, everyone’s familiar with mermaids since they appear in Disney movies, tuna labels, fairy tales, and so much more. Of course, many of the legends are kind of in the reverse Disney’s Little Mermaid but they don’t end well.

Type: Hybrid, Sea Monster, Humanoid
From: Various Worldwide Mythologies.
Features: Has upper body of a woman and a fish like torso and tail. Said to be beautiful with long hair and semi-divine. Have sharp claws and teeth as well as underwater respiration. Known for singing their songs.
Behavior: Can be solitary or travel in groups. Can see in the dark and resist the cold. They can even read people’s thoughts.
Habitat: Seas and Oceans.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, they have been known to lure lonely sailors by overcoming them with lust and dragging them to their underwater kingdoms. The sailors usually drowned. Yet, whether they caused their deaths accidentally or out of pure spite, depends on the story. Also known to cause horrible storms that led to shipwrecks and a lot of sailors’ deaths. Have enhanced strength and are fast swimmers.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, they’re part human so no.
How to Get Rid of It: I don’t know, either break her heart, fish net, harpoon, or run her aground.

29. Harpy

Now while the Sirens may sing sailors just to eat them, these fearsome ladies tend to snatch and torture those on a one way ticket to Tartarus or Ancient Greek Hell.

Now while the Sirens may sing sailors just to eat them, these fearsome ladies tend to snatch and torture those on a one way ticket to Tartarus or Ancient Greek Hell.

Type: Hybrid, Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Has the top half of a witch with extremely claws and wings of a vulture. Sometimes depicted as ugly hags with long greasy hair and faces covered in warts or beautiful women. Reek of decay and death and nearly impossible to bear everywhere they went.
Behavior: Travel in groups. Willing to steal any scrap of food they set eyes on and foul anything they didn’t consume. Charged with abducted and torturing souls on the way to Tartarus.
Habitat: Greece
Is It Dangerous?: Tended to torture the wicked by pecking and scratching their bodies endlessly as well as prevented a guy from eating his food by vomiting on it (or stealing it). Also, though they’d usually snatch the dead souls, sometimes they’d sneak out the Underworld in search of living prey. A lot of mysterious disappearances in Ancient Greece were blamed on them.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Since they’re part human, not really.
How to Get Rid of It: You can’t they’re immortal.

30. Griffin

Yes, these are awesome birds that guard treasure as well as eat horses. Still, pretty cool though despite the viciousness. Yes, I'd want a statue of one on my front door bannister.

Yes, these are awesome birds that guard treasure as well as eat horses. Still, pretty cool though despite the viciousness. Yes, I’d want a statue of one on my front door bannister.

Type: Hybrid, Divine Bird
From: Egyptian and Mesopotamian Mythology
Features: Has head, claws, and wings of an eagle and body and tail of a lion. Large, powerful, and majestic. Sometimes depicted with lion ears.
Behavior: Solitary. Fond of treasure and are eager to dig and guard it in their mountain lairs.
Habitat: Middle East as well as parts of Europe and Asia. Lives in the mountains near their treasure troves.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. They don’t take well to treasure seeking humans invading their nests, especially on horseback. They are prone to killing horses on sight, though they may occasionally mate with some of them. These birds are aggressive, very strong, and will use their claws if they have to.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No way in hell.
How to Get Rid of It: C’mon, despite killing horses, these birds are cool. I mean you don’t want to get rid of them.

Mythological Creatures Reexamined: Part 1 – Abominable Snowman to Tarrasque

Mythical creatures have always fascinated us since many of them do tend to look cool. Some of them have been  folk monsters in stories and superstitions that date back generations. Others are relatively recent creatures of urban legend. Some of these are monsters you may be familiar with or have dressed up for Halloween while others may not be so well known. Nevertheless, they are creatures that are well worth a look since Halloween will soon be upon us even if it’s just the month of September so I might as well get this series out of the way. In this selection we will look at a few cryptid monsters like the Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, and the Chupacabra. We’ll see some dragons of legend like Cetus, Fafnir, Wyvern, and Tarrasque. We’ll look at a few monsters from Greek mythology like the Cyclops, Chimera, the Cretan Bull, Cerberus, and the Erymanthian Boar. Finally, we’ll take a glance at the legendary Basilisk as well as H. P.  Lovecraft’s best known Eldritch Abomination Cthulhu. So without further adieu, do I introduce the first installment of my series on mythological creatures.

1. Abominable Snowman (a. k. a. Yeti, Meteth, or Rakshasa)

Of course, this Yeti is angry with all the tourism that's going on Mt. Everest these days.

Of course, there’s a reason why the Yeti are known as the Abominable Snowmen for a reason because you don’t want to run into them.

Type: Cryptid, Humanoid
From: Tibetan Folklore
Features: Usually giant human-like body, white shaggy fur, big feet. Walks upright and is very strong and athletic. Said to make a whistling sound or roar like a lion but smells bad. Could have large yellow teeth and razor sharp fangs. Tibetan legends have three variations of Yeti called the Rimi (2-3m), the Nyalmot (2.5-4.5 m), and the Raksi-Bombo (1-1.5m), which all vary in height. Yet, their versions usually could be red or gray. Often portrayed as a tall ape-like figure covered in white hair akin to a Himalayan Sasquatch. Sometimes depicted with a bear, dog, or cat head though. Also could be depicted with horns. Said to live up to 1,000 years.
Behavior: They’re mostly solitary and only meet each other during mating season.
Habitat: Mostly in the Himalayan Mountains. Buddhist legends say they live in dense snow caves on the glaciers.
Is It Dangerous?: They’re known to be extremely territorial as well as very strong, athletic, could survive very harsh conditions, and have good sensory perception. Yet, they’re said to mainly eat greens and vegetables but will devour humans if they have the opportunity. They’re also rumored to be very fond of strong alcoholic drinks. Still, Buddhist legend states that they’re peaceful and shy. Some sources say they’re aggressive and will attack humans, especially if threatened. So yes, they’re dangerous.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Other than have it run off a cliff at a high elevation, I really can’t say. Shooting them won’t do much damage.

2. Chupacabra

This Chupacabra looks as if it's a mix between a porcupine, hyena, and a bull dog with rabies.

This Chupacabra looks as if it’s a mix between a porcupine, hyena, and a bull dog with rabies.

Type: Cryptid
From: Latin America
Features: Most commonly depicted as a heavy creature about the size of a small bear (like 3-5ft tall) with spikes on its back from head to tail. Usually depicted as a green with leathery greenish gray skin and an alien shaped head bearing big red eyes, though it could be depicted as a hairless dog or a large mammalian predator with hair. Is mostly seen upright and hopping like a kangaroo. Sometimes depicted with bat wings wings or horns. Could have forked tongue, a wolf like nose, and large fangs. Said to hiss and screech when alarmed and leave a sulfuric stench behind. Is a shapeshifter.
Behavior: Primarily solitary and nocturnal at least in its normal form.
Habitat: The Americas particularly as north as the Southern US to South America.
Is It Dangerous?: Has a habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, particularly goats. Whether they’re dangerous to humans isn’t quite clear.
Can It Be Domesticated?: No, especially if you’re a goat farmer.
How to Get Rid of It: We’re not sure how.

3. Cretan Bull

You can never guess that this white bull was the father of the Minotaur making the latter a product of bestiality. Yeah, I know that's depraved but that's the Ancient Greeks for you.

You can never guess that this white bull was the father of the Minotaur making the latter a product of bestiality. Yeah, I know that’s fucked up but that’s the Ancient Greeks for you.

Type: Abnormal Animal
From: Greek Mythology
Features: A large white bull. Created and sent forth from the sea by Poseidon as a gift to King Minos, then later used as the sea god’s tool to get back at Minos. Yet, can be depicted other colors though.
Behavior: Depends on how Poseidon and Minos are getting along.
Habitat: Crete, naturally. Was later released to Marathon by Hercules.
Is It Dangerous?: It’s an uncontrollably angry bull thanks to Poseidon falling out with Minos, yet somehow his wife Pasiphae was able to fall in love and mate with it, producing the Minotaur.
Can It Be Domesticated?: It’s hard to say. It was owned by King Minos, but he caused a lot of trouble at Crete like levelling orchard walls and destroying crops. So domestication probably wouldn’t work out.
How to Get Rid of It: Send Hercules or Theseus to capture him while the latter had it finally sacrificed.

4. Cerberus

Though it bears a great resemblance in almost every way, this isn't the monster protecting the Sorcerer's Stone in the first Harry Potter book. Rather it's basically guarding the Underworld to keep souls from getting out.

Though it bears a great resemblance in almost every way, this isn’t the monster Fluffy protecting the Sorcerer’s Stone in the first Harry Potter book. Rather it’s basically Cerberus guarding the Underworld to keep souls from getting out.

Type: Hybrid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Mostly depicted as a giant 3-headed dog about 16ft high. Yet, the Greek myths also said he had a spiked dragon’s tale and manes made out of live serpents. Very strong and immortal. Makes ear splitting howls day and night. Has razor sharp teeth that shoot with venom and breath fatal to humans.
Behavior: Basically guards the Underworld for Hades to keep mortals out and the place dead inside.
Habitat: The Greek Underworld.
Is It Dangerous?: Since Hades is one of the nicest Greek gods, Cerberus may be fierce demonic dog but he’s not known to bite or attack anyone. Yet, this doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous for Hades has him as a guard dog for a reason and he’s known to eat trespassers with his breath. However, he does have a weakness for soft flute music and cake if you want to get past him.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Yes, since its owned by Hades and only by him. He can also have you borrow him as long as you don’t hurt him and bring him back when you’re done. And Hercules did.
How to Get Rid of It: Since Hades owns it, to do so would be impossible.

5. Cthulhu

I'm sure there's no way in hell that woman and her dog are going to escape that Lovecraftian monstrosity.

I’m sure there’s no way in hell that woman and her dog are going to escape that Lovecraftian monstrosity. Sorry, but Beelzebub isn’t going to have the devil put aside in this case since Cthulhu is the devil here and won’t take no for an answer.

Type: Eldritch Abomination, Sea Monster
From: H. P. Lovecraft
Features: Has large green human like body, squid like head with long tentacles, giant bat like wings, and sharp eagle like talons. Depicted with thick green skin covered in scales and wart like bumps. Can shapeshift.
Behavior: Solitary yet he was a high priest of an ancient alien race called “the Great Old Ones.”
Habitat: Pacific Ocean
Is It Dangerous?: Absolutely. Can use his tentacles and talons to crush or tear apart his enemies. He is a bloodthirsty mythical beast that can invade people’s dreams and control them with his mind. He tends to have them perform human sacrifices to him to prove their loyalty. Has a tendency to go on a rampage of death and destruction to quench its thirst for bloodshed and violence. So if you come across him, you’re basically screwed.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not since he has the tendency to domesticate humans.
How to Get Rid of It: He’s immortal so you can’t. If you encounter him, you’re screwed.

6. Basilisk

I'm sure Harry Potter fans aren't going to be too happy using this picture for the Basilisk. Yet, this creature's appearance was said to have a chicken head in the earliest legends.

I’m sure Harry Potter fans aren’t going to be too happy using this picture for the Basilisk. Yet, this creature’s appearance was said to have a chicken head in the earliest legends.

Type: Hybrid, Serpent
From: Roman Mythology
Features: Usually depicted as a reptile though size and composition may vary according to depiction. Head and claws of a rooster with a reptile’s body and tail in a traditional sense. Said to be the size of a chicken and tend to be depicted with feathers or with dagger like teeth lined in their pointed beaks. In some depictions, they have fangs. Sometimes could be depicted as a giant snake like in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Sometimes depicted as a dragon.
Behavior: Solitary as far as we know.
Habitat: Europe.
Is It Dangerous?: Hell, yes. They could kill all but a few living things with a single glance even from afar. Also, have poisonous breath and could quickly kill their victims with strangulation. It’s venom is highly deadly that it one drop could kill in a matter of minutes and could contaminate water for 100 years. And as we learn from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, its glance through certain mediums like ghosts, mirrors, water, and cameras could result in petrification which can only be cured by mandrakes. Also one of the most dangerous creatures from that universe.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Unless you’re the heir of Slytherin, you should probably not even think about it.
How to Get Rid of It: Either get a weasel or crow to scare it away or trick it into seeing its own reflection in a mirror making it unintentionally kill itself. Having a rooster around is a good deterrent since a rooster crow could send it to a violent death through disorientation and seizures. If it’s a giant snake, then blinding it and putting a sword through its head would do. Yet, make sure you have a phoenix with you if you do the latter.

7. Cyclops

If this is the cyclops Polyphemus from Homer's Odyssey, then he's going to have it coming with Odysseus soon.

If this is the cyclops Polyphemus from Homer’s Odyssey, then he’s going to have it coming with Odysseus soon.

Type: Humanoid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Bipedal with one eye are its defining features. Usually humanoid. Traditionally a hairy giant covered in insects and filth. They also smell terrible. However, it could take on a humanoid appearance and be normal size like Leela from Futurama, though I’m not sure if she’s technically one but she matches a lot of depictions. Could resemble anything from trolls to Sasquatch. Sometimes depicted with a horn on its head, too. In Greek mythology there are many different types such as the Steropes, Arges, and the Brontes (yet I’m sure they aren’t the sisters who wrote about madwomen in attics and women falling for awful men like Heathcliff or Mr. Rochester).
Behavior: Their social behavior varies. Can have repulsive grooming habits as well as spend a lot of time making tools and weapons for Hephaestus.
Habitat: Various regions of Greece and surrounding areas.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, they like to feast on raw flesh, including humans. Pounding their humongous hammers could cause earthquakes while heating from their furnaces could be responsible for volcanic eruptions, according to the Ancient Greeks. Yet, they possess great strength and stamina, have power over lightning, acute hearing and vision, and are invulnerable to heat. Still, since many of them are Poseidon’s kids, you don’t want to mess with them.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not, since they’re technically humanoid.
How to Get Rid of It: Well, according to Odysseus, getting one drunk and sticking a spear into its eye certainly did the trick. Let’s just say Polyphemus had no idea what he was dealing with. Still, most of the time you don’t want to get rid of them if they’re working under Hephaestus, not that you won’t be able to kill them anyway.

8. Chimera

Despite the butch appearance of a mane, the Chimera is actually a girl. Don't ask me I get this tidbit from Greek mythology here. Still, I'm sure the Chimera's masculine appearance won't get her labeled as a member of a lioness softball team or associated with the East German lionesses.

Despite the butch appearance of a mane, the Chimera is actually a girl. Don’t ask me I get this tidbit from Greek mythology here. Still, I’m sure the Chimera’s masculine appearance won’t get her labeled as a member of a lioness softball team or associated with the East German lionesses.

Type: Hybrid
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Traditionally depicted with three heads consisting of a snake, lioness, and goat, yet configuration varies. Has a body of a lioness. Some depictions have a lion mane even though the one in Greek Mythology is female. Sometimes depicted with another snake head, goat horns, and/or dragon wings. Sometimes portrayed with two snake heads and no goat head at all. Sometimes even has a dragon head or feather wings.
Behavior: Usually solitary.
Habitat: Lycia in Ancient Greece.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. Can breathe fire and have three heads attack independently. Has been known to kill people and resist many attempts on her life. Seeing her was a bad omen for storms, shipwrecks, and natural disasters. Is very strong, has enhanced senses, and very sharp claws.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Poisoned spear by Bellerophon with the help of Pegasus.

9. Bigfoot (a. k. a. Sasquatch)

I'm sure you won't see this scene from Harry and the Hendersons. Still, you don't want to mess with this Sasquatch.

I’m sure you won’t see this scene from Harry and the Hendersons. Still, you don’t want to mess with this Sasquatch.

Type: Cryptid, Humanoid
From: United States, possibly from Native American Legend
Features: Usually depicted as a large, hairy, bipedal humanoid. Kind of a cross between a human and a large ape, particularly an orangutan or gorilla. Can be 7-9ft tall and weigh up to 500 pounds. Has big feet. Can live up to 123 years.
Behavior: Solitary. Omnivorous and mainly nocturnal.
Habitat: Mainly in forests in the Pacific Northwest.
Is It Dangerous?: It can be since it can crush trees with a single punch and has enhanced senses, particularly night vision and smell. Still, you don’t want to mess with it.
Can It Be Domesticated?: If domesticating one didn’t work out for the Hendersons, then it certainly won’t work out for you.
How to Get Rid of It: If you actually saw one, you wouldn’t want to get rid of it, especially if you work for the History Channel.

10. Cetus

Of course, "release the Cetus" doesn't seem to be quite badass. Still, this is the monster that Perseus saved Andromeda from and not the Kraken which would make more mythological sense if it was featured in Thor.

Of course, “release the Cetus” doesn’t seem to be quite badass. Still, this is the monster that Perseus saved Andromeda from and not the Kraken which would make more mythological sense if it was featured in Thor.

Type: Dragon, Sea Monster
From: Greek Mythology (it’s actually the monster Perseus fought to save Andromeda, the Kraken was just used for Clash of the Titans because Ray Harryhausen simply didn’t want to do another dragon. Of course, “Release the Cetus” doesn’t have a nice ring to it.)
Features: Has large head, clawed forearms, serpent-like body and tail. Could be depicted as a sea monster or serpentine fish. Said to have canine like front legs and a whale’s torso with a serpentine tail slit at the end.
Behavior: Solitary and only does Poseidon’s bidding.
Habitat: Western Asia. Is amphibious so it could live on sea or land.
Is It Dangerous?: Well, it nearly killed Andromeda who was chained to a rock for its dinner. Has been known to destroy an entire city. Still, you only have to worry about its viciousness if you’re not on good terms with Poseidon.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Only if you’re Poseidon since it’s his pet.
How to Get Rid of It: Perseus just used Medusa’s severed head and held it up to the creature’s eyes.

11. Ladon

Of course, if you want any of them golden apples, you'll have to get through this serpentine dragon first, Hercules.

Of course, if you want any of them golden apples, you’ll have to get through this serpentine dragon first, Hercules.

Type: Dragon, Serpent
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Snake like with numerous heads. Sometimes depicted as a standard dragon.
Behavior: Solitary. Guards the golden apples in the Garden of Hesperides.
Habitat: The Garden of the Hesperides. Resides twisted around the tree of the golden apples.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, it’s dangerous since it’s pretty fierce and is charged to guard the golden apples.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, it’s charged to guard the golden apples for the gods so it must be answerable to somebody.
How to Get Rid of It: Killed by Hercules with an arrow in most versions, though it’s observed by Jason and the Argonauts sometime later.

12. Erymanthian Boar

Now here's one nasty pig that's big, mean, and wildly out of control. You don't want to get past this piece of bacon.

Now here’s one nasty pig that’s big, mean, and wildly out of control. You don’t want to get past this piece of bacon.

Type: Abnormal Animal
From: Greek Mythology
Features: Extremely large boar with razor sharp teeth. As tall as an adult human and weighs a ton. Said to have canine teeth and large upward tusks. Snored loudly.
Behavior: Solitary and very aggressive.
Habitat: Mount Erymanthus
Is It Dangerous?: Yep, very aggressive. Would descend Mount Erymanthus daily goring and ramming victims as well as rampaging the countryside. This is one very nasty pig.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Well, it was used by the gods at times to settle scores. May have been owned by Apollo.
How to Get Rid of It: Captured by Hercules who provoked to run outside its den into the deep snow.

13. Fafnir

Basically, the story of Fafnir guarding a large treasure trove in a mountain only to be defeated by a little person would later be ripped of by J. R. R. Tolkein. Look it up, LOTR and Hobbit fans. Still, my parents aren't to fond of the Peter Jackson movies.

Basically, the story of Fafnir guarding a large treasure trove in a mountain only to be defeated by a little person would later be ripped off by J. R. R. Tolkein. Look it up, LOTR and Hobbit fans. Still, my parents aren’t to fond of the Peter Jackson movies. Well, as far as The Hobbit is concerned.

Type: Dragon, Serpent
From: Norse Mythology (inspiration for Smaug from The Hobbit)
Features: Traditionally serpent-like and huge. Often depicted as a conventional dragon and occasionally with a horn on his head. Can also talk.
Behavior: Solitary. Used to be the son of a dwarf king until he got greedy and mean.
Habitat: Iceland. Lives in a cave where he greedily guards his cursed treasure of Andvari.
Is It Dangerous?: Yes, he breathes poison all around the countryside and is very strong.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Owing that he was once a dwarf and has an agenda, then no.
How to Get Rid of It: Mortally struck by Sigurd with a sword. Yet, he did say the guy’s foster father wanted to kill him and have the treasure himself.

14. Wyvern

Defeat one of these nasty dragons and you'll be a local legend in your town for life. Seriously, it's a very dangerous dragon, which should suit Hagrid just fine.

Defeat one of these nasty dragons and you’ll be a local legend in your town for life. Seriously, it’s a very dangerous dragon, which should suit Hagrid just fine.

Type: Dragon
From: Northern Europe Folklore
Features: Serpentine head, winged spiked body with pointed tail. Have very long legs and very terrible breath reminiscent of devoured meat and flesh. Has no arms. One of the largest species of dragons. Sometimes depicted with horns. A sea dwelling variant has a fish tail.
Behavior: Solitary. Always flying and looking for food.
Habitat: Europe.
Is It Dangerous?: Oh, yes. They could expel fire from their noses and are deemed exceptionally powerful and evil to the core. They eat just about any animal they could get their hands on and kill without remorse. Can squash crowds of people, herds of livestock, and even village buildings.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not.
How to Get Rid of It: Legend doesn’t quite say but those who do kill one are usually seen as heroes. Make that what you will.

15. Tarrasque (a. k. a. Tarasco)

No, contrary to its appearance, this fire breathing monster isn't a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Actually it's a ferocious dragon from French Folklore.

No, contrary to its appearance, this fire breathing monster isn’t a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Actually it’s a ferocious dragon from French Folklore.

Type: Dragon
From: French Folklore
Features: Sharp fangs, body covered in large iron-like scales, and whip like tail. Said to have a lion’s head, ox like body covered in turtle shell, spikes along its back, and a scorpion stinger tail. Often depicted as a giant spiked turtle-lizard.
Behavior: Solitary.
Habitat: Nerulac, France
Is It Dangerous?: Hell yes. Spews fire from its mouth, tail is poisonous, and could destroy buildings. Destroyed many villages and killed many peasants. Was invincible against knights and catapults. Yet, has a weakness for soft music.
Can It Be Domesticated?: Absolutely not unless you’re Saint Martha.
How to Get Rid of It: Calmed down by Saint Martha of Bethany (don’t ask me) by music and blinded it with her lock of hair made into a leash. Once she led it to Nerulac, the villagers killed it once and for all.

Bad Movie Bosses

Of course, we all have to deal with a bad boss sometime or another, especially if we’re working a job we don’t like or possibly the only one we could get. Still, when it comes to work, most of us decide to put up with terrible bosses since you really can’t quit a job like you can quit a relationship or what not. After all, people depend on their jobs for so much that they’re willing to put up with 8 hours in hell if they could get a paycheck to pay for their basic needs. And in a job market like this, it’s not easy just to tell your boss where to shove it and throw caution to the winds because getting another job isn’t easy (it’s actually a complete hell, especially if you have student loan bills to worry about). Of course, sometimes the movie world is no exception to this in which a lot of bosses do make their life difficult for their employees. Some of them are incompetent and careless. Some are downright evil and chronic backstabbers. And some just abuse their power as well as cause a lot of destruction. So to salute Labor Day weekend, here is a list of terrible movie bosses you don’t want to work for.

1. Captain Ahab

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From: Moby Dick

Occupation: Captain of the Pequod.

The Problem: Single-minded obsessions which are self-destructive and result in his crew’s endangerment. Also, is practically insane.

Sure we all know that killing whales is a grisly and dangerous profession that requires months away from home in the early 19th century. Of course, people today wouldn’t approve killing whales for lamp oil and other products (besides food if you’re Japanese or a Pacific Northwest Indian) but people’s homes have to be lit some way. Still, Captain Ahab makes the list of bad movie bosses because of how his single minded obsession not only leads to his own self-destruction and insanity but also to the endangerment of his crew and ship. Ahab may be a competent captain who inspires great loyalty in his crew but his obsession with Moby Dick practically consumes him that he cares about little else whether it be his crew’s welfare or focusing on the mission’s bottom line which is to hunt whales. It doesn’t help that his second-in-command Starbuck realizes that his captain has gone insane and shouldn’t be in command.  Even  worse is that Captain Ahab is competent and charismatic enough to get most of his crew to go along with his Moby Dick obsession (not that they had any choice since they’re all stuck on a ship, you know). Still, though Captain Ahab is dragged into the ocean by the white whale in the end, the ship is destroyed and everyone in the crew is dead save the narrator. Let’s just say that such destruction would’ve been avoided if Starbuck’s sense of duty didn’t override his common sense to throw Ahab to the sharks.

2. Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka Wilder

From: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Occupation: Confectionery Industrialist and Entrepreneur

The Problem: Workplace endangerment, caring little for people, and heavily skewed priorities. Also, isn’t quite right in the head.

Let’s face it, despite having a factory to the specifications of any kid’s dream (or nightmares), you don’t want to work for Willy Wonka. Sure he may love his candy and his factory, but we have to understand that Wonka is a nutty recluse and control freak who doesn’t give a damn about other people and he’s very lucky that people in his community don’t have a raging hatred for him. Wonka may have a right to be overly concerned with corporate espionage since the candy business was highly competitive. Yet, firing your entire workforce with perhaps little or no compensation just seems a bit of overkill. And replacing it with a nation of Oompah Loompahs who don’t earn any money for their work kind of seems to add insult to injury. Not only that, but Wonka kind of isolates these people in his factory who may be susceptible to who knows what after he takes a group of kids on a tour. Still, Wonka’s employees may look up to him but he uses them for experiments with candy that wouldn’t be FDA approved and his  factory is basically a dangerous work place filled with all kinds of death traps. And it doesn’t help that Wonka is more preoccupied with aesthetics and his candy than practical safety issues. Not to mention other concerns that the movies haven’t shown. You can read it all here from one of my previous posts: https://historymaniacmegan.wordpress.com/2014/08/21/willy-wonka-and-the-workplace-violations-report/ . And if there’s a movie boss whose workplace violations report can make a good blog post, then Wonka is a very bad boss indeed.

3. Dr. Julia Harris D. D. S.

Horrible-Bosses-Film-Still-Jennifer-Aniston-3

From: Horrible Bosses

Occupation: Dentist

The Problem: Sexual harassment, sexual assault, abuse of power, no respect for consent laws or workplace ethics, and blackmail.

Now Horrible Bosses has three people who can be worthy of the World’s Worst Boss mug. Yet, out of these three, Julia Harris seems to stand out for me, especially how she treats her hygienist Dale Arbus. Julia belongs on this list since she’s one of the best movie examples of how sexual harassment in the workplace could make an employee’s life an absolute hell, especially if the harasser is your boss. Sure Julia may be played by Jennifer Aniston, but she’s constantly making sexual advances on Dale who doesn’t like it at all. Of course, Dale is engaged to be married, a fact Julia doesn’t seem to respect and is willing to ruin his relationship unless he sleeps with her, willingly or not. And it doesn’t help that Dale is basically stuck working for her due to being on a sex offender list for public urination near a playground nor the fact that Julia tends to sexually assault her own male patients while unconscious. Basically Julia’s behavior toward Dale makes him feel so powerless and sees her as such a threat to his relationship with his fiancee that he’s willing to commit extralegal activities like murder and blackmail. Being a hygienist for a gorgeous dentist might be a straight man’s fantasy but not if her sex crazed antics have a potential to ruin your life.

4. Fagin

6787_oliver_twist___siralecguinness_olivertwist_fagin

From: Oliver Twist and its subsequent adaptations

Occupation: Criminal Gang Boss

The Problem: Takes advantage of poor desperate children and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about them. Also, kind of abusive.

Now you probably don’t want to work for a lot of bosses in many Dickensian works since many of them tend to be bastards who make bastards who make little kids work in horrendous conditions for starvation wages and aren’t held accountable to whatever damage they cause since these works were written in the 19th century. Let’s just say that out of all Dickensian bosses Ebenezer Scrooge is benevolent in comparison even before being visited by three ghosts on the night before Christmas. Bad as Scrooge may be but at least most of his employees were adults with desk jobs as far as the adaptations are concerned. Still, I have Fagin on the list because he’s basically a bottom feeder in an awful system. Now he’s the kind of representative criminal you’d find in the slums of Victorian England who would take in children who basically have no where else to go but either the workhouse or the streets and train them in pickpocketing and other illegal activities. Sure Fagin may teach these kids how to make a living but he’s also creating a legion of juvenile delinquents destined to go to very bad ends, thus making him a terrible role model. Also, he makes them steal for him and takes a share of the proceeds adding to his wealth. Not only that, he cares more about accumulating wealth and not getting caught than the welfare of those under his wing, especially those kids hanged by the authorities. And he also displays abusive behavior to those kids who don’t do his bidding like the Artful Dodger as well as throw others out who don’t perform up to snuff. Basically this guy is a bastard in more ways than one and the fact he’s a criminal who recruits children he unapologetically mistreats just makes it worse.

5. Franklin Hart Jr.

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From: 9 to 5

Occupation: Corporate Executive

The Problem: Corruption, incompetence, bullying, sexual harassment, sexism, and blackmail.

Dabney Coleman was the go to guy for corrupt corporate executives in the 1980s and this film is no exception. Of course, what stands out is that he’s a sexist pig in a workplace of mostly female employees. And it’s perfectly clear that many of them are more competent of running the company than he is, especially Violet Newstead who has great ideas Hart is willing to steal from, but isn’t willing to give her a promotion solely due to her sex. He hits on his married secretary Doralee Rhodes by spreading false rumors that they’re having an affair (though they are not) that results in her losing credibility in the office. Oh, and he cruelly yells at and threatens Judy Bernley after she made a mistake on her first day at work and fires another female worker over an overheard conversation on salary differences. And what’s worse is that Hart sees absolutely nothing wrong with any of it. You can see why Violet, Doralee, and Judy conspire to murder (and later kidnap) him and the office is a much better place after they do.

6. Jeff D. Sheldrake

the-apartment_610

From: The Apartment

Occupation: Corporate Executive

The Problem: Being a top boss in a toxic corporate culture, rewarding employees for what they could do for him than actual competence, sexual harassment, corruption, and driving a female employee to try to kill herself.

Fred MacMurray may be best remembered by your parents as the father on My Three Sons despite the fact he was an utter turd in The Caine Mutiny and couldn’t keep it in his pants in Double Indemnity. In The Apartment, he’s an utter turd who can’t keep it in his pants with a family as well as a cushy senior executive job at any insurance company. Now C. C. Baxter’s is a man who’s so desperate to get ahead that he’s willing to let his superior executives use his apartment for their extra-marital proclivities. Unfortunately, this leaves Baxter with an undeserved reputation as a hard drinking womanizer and not much of a personal life outside his workplace. Despite his apparently nice facade, Sheldrake is basically the worst of the lot for not only does he promote Baxter on the condition that he use his underling’s apartment for his own affair but is also sleeping with Baxter’s crush an elevator girl Fran Kubelik who has a bad case of low self-esteem. And Kubelik is only one  in a long line of Sheldrake’s conquests who were all manipulated and lied to just so Sheldrake could get a little bit on the side. Sheldrake cares nothing about Kubelik and when his Christmas gift to her of $100 leads her to attempt suicide, he just spends Christmas with his family and has Baxter deal with the ordeal. Let’s just say if you have to choose between your career and love interest while working for this steaming piece of shit, go with the love interest.

7. Gordon Gekko

gordon-gekko-michael-douglas

From: Wall Street

Occupation: Corporate Raider

The Problem: Greed, corruption, has no concern to care or invest in employees’ well-being, abuse of power, bullying, and backstabbing.

Gordon Gekko is basically unrestrained greed personified and a man who truly loves capitalism above all else. Sure he may seem charming at first and may be wiling to show you the ropes of corporate finance. However, remember that while he’s great to work for when things are going well, he’s absolute terror when the deal goes bad and doesn’t give a damn about who he screws over or which employees he throws under the bus. All he cares about is making money, gaining power, and being rich, plain and simple. After all, he did say, “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures, the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A” Gekko will claw his way to the top even if it means dirty dealing and insider trading or go to jail for trying while taking a few with him. And he’s not above berating his employees or resorting to physical force if he so chooses. Still, it’s no wonder that Michael Douglas cringes whenever he hears from stockbrokers how Gordon Gekko inspired them to become stockbrokers. Gekko may be seen as a financial role model for libertarians and people on Wall Street, but he’s a horrible man you wouldn’t want to work for as well as a horrible human being.

8. Lieutenant Colonel Nicholson

bridge-on-the-river-kwai-4

From: Bridge on the River Kwai

Occupation: British Army Officer and POW

The Problem: Basically drives his men complete a building project as a morale building exercise, but ends up having his unit commit treason instead. Also driving his men to exhaustion in order to complete the said bridge. Having very skewed priorities.

Of course, being POW in a Japanese prison camp during World War II was a terrible experience for any soldier, especially in Southeast Asia since it involved a lot of hard labor in the jungle as well as sparse accommodations and torture. You can hardly blame Lt. Col. Nicholson for wanting to make things better for his men at the prison camp as well as try to build their morale. Nicholson is willing to stick up for his men as well has have the Colonel Saito conduct his camp in accordance to the Geneva Conventions. Yes, he has a lot of guts and means very well yet Nicholson thinks that helping the Japanese build a bridge for their railroad would be a great morale building exercise for his men and its completion would exemplify the ingenuity and hard work of the British Army for generations. And he’s willing to drive his drive his men to exhaustion to complete the bridge on time whether they like it or not. Unfortunately, Nicholson basically too consumed in the project to realize that he’s collaborating with the enemy and having his men commit treason against their own country at a time of war. I’m sure that once the war is over, his men are going to wish they would’ve fragged him or at least escaped with Shears when they had the chance. Despite that Nicholson isn’t a bad guy and may have redeemed himself by blowing up the bridge, his soldiers are going to remember him as a national disgrace and regret what they’ve done, especially if they’re being tried for war crimes back home. Nicholson should’ve just tried to escape or at least not have cared so much about building that damned bridge.

9. Hilly Holbrook

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From: The Help

Occupation: Housewife and Socialite

The Problem: Racism, thanklessness, entitlement, vindictiveness, and overall nastiness.

Now in being a black maid in segregation era  America was a very thankless job that pertained to doing housework for some white woman who saw their servants as less than equal. Minny Jackson has it incredibly bad under Hilly, a snooty and entitled bitch who treats her employees like disease ridden animals (as well as everyone else’s). She even insists that her maids use a separate bathroom and fires Minny for using her bathroom during a potentially deadly thunderstorm. Luckily Minny gets the last laugh by having Hilly eat her chocolate and feces pie. Minny’s successor Yule May Davis has it far worse since she ended up fired for stealing and pawning Hilly’s ring so she could have money to pay for her twins sons’ tuition that Hilly wouldn’t lend to her which was $75. Oh, and she has Aibileen Clark framed for stealing loaned silver cutlery and fired by her boss after Aibileen basically denounces her as the godless vindictive woman she is.

10. Margaret Tate

the-proposal

From: The Proposal

Occupation: Executive Editor in Chief

The Problem: Sexual harassment, forcing an employee to marry her, blackmail, and abuse of power.

Now Margaret Tate may be a maniacal, insensitive, and annoying career bitch. However, she makes the list because she basically forced one of her employees to marry her when she’s under the threat of deportation. Sure this movie is a romantic comedy but making an employee marry you for whatever reason (or pretending to be engaged) whether expired Visa or not is an abuse of power. Oh, and it doesn’t help that she’s putting Andrew Paxton at risk for felony charges for immigration fraud that amount to a fine of $250,000 and 5 years in prison. Of course, to avert this means they have to go on a trip to meet Andrew’s family  in Alaska. Now Margaret and Andrew may live happily ever after as far as we know, yet we’re sure that having a relationship with your boss wasn’t much of a choice for Andrew. And it doesn’t help that he disliked her so much while working for her. This isn’t a great beginning to a beautiful relationship and if I had a male employer who tried to force me to marry him for whatever reason (even with blackmail), I would just quit my job, especially if I disliked the guy in the first place. Besides, I’m not sure if Margaret knew whether Andrew was seeing anyone in the first place, which also has its share of negative repercussions.

11. Colonel Nathan R. Jessup

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From: A Few Good Men

Occupation: United States Marine Corps Officer and Commander of the Guatanamo Bay Naval Base

The Problem: Being a trigger happy psychopath, showing no loyalty to his troops, having a volatile personality, hypocrisy, illegally ordering a murder, driving a subordinate to suicide, corruption, refusal to take responsibility, and abuse of power.

Now say what you want about Lt. Col. Nicholson but he’s practically a saint compared to Colonel Jessup who is just one bad guy running Guatanamo Bay almost akin to a Nazi prison camp. While Nicholson tried to do what he thought was best for his men, Jessup shows no honor and loyalty for his troops and would sooner have one physically punished illegally and so dangerously that he dies from the encounter which he covers up rather than send him away on point of principle. He also forces a subordinate to forge a transfer order of a murdered marine which leads the guy to commit suicide before he could testify against Jessup in court.  And even when Jessup admits to directly ordering an illegal “Code Red” disciplinary measure, he feels incensed at being held responsible for it and feels that he’s totally justified in what he’s done. Sure he may give a great speech like “You can’t handle the truth!” and talk about how it’s supposed to be the duty of the strong to protect the weak, but he basically betrayed when he had  a kid brutalized and accidentally killed for being weak. If your commanding officer is like him, I suggest you file for a transfer immediately before he orders you to do something that could get you court-martialed. And if transfer wasn’t an option, you might want to opt for a dishonorable discharge on insubordination since the most popular court-martial defense is “I was just following orders.”

12. John Milton

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From: The Devil’s Advocate

Occupation: Attorney

The Problem: He’s basically Satan and technically evil. Also, corruption, murder, and nepotism.

The aptly named John Milton is basically the devil in the flesh in this 1997 film in which he runs a corrupt, high-powered, and multinational New York City legal office with global connections called Milton, Chadwick & Waters which is composed of immoral humans and his own demons. Of course, many of these lawyers they also happen to be his kids to all kinds of women he raped, including Kevin Lomax himself. And he hopes that his kids would mate with each other and produce the Antichrist. However, he’s not above bringing out the worst in his legal employees and his influence has Kevin transform from a simple country lawyer to a highly corrupt and morally dissolute New York City attorney that would make the cast of Boston Legal seem like a church choir. And as for Lomax, working for the devil, he becomes engulfed in demonic forces that ruin his career and drives his wife to madness and suicide. Oh, and he uses his legal firm to exploit the legal system to get as many violent criminals off the hook and spread corruption all over the world, hoping that Earth would become such a perversion that it will hurt Heaven and God. Also, tends to kill any of his employees who threaten to expose him. Basically he’s a literal boss from hell.

13. Patrick Bateman

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From: American Psycho

Occupation: Wall Street Investment Banker and Corporate Executive

The Problem: He’s an absolutely competitive and a complete psycho with rather disturbing fantasies. Also has a lot of addictions and is inflicted with conspicuous consumption.

Sure he may be played by Christian Bale and seem rather charismatic and friendly with a taste in designer clothes. However, as to why anyone would want to work for him or with him is anyone’s guess. And it doesn’t help that his gay colleague and his secretary are both in love with him. Bateman has the distinction as one of the most believable psychopaths in film and has scored hire on the APD/sociopathy checklist than the Joker or Hannibal Lecter. To put a long story short, Bateman is a rich, shallow, yuppie type who’s addicted to sex, drugs, and conspicuous consumption. Yet, he has another hobby on the side which is killing (and sometimes raping) people whether it be colleagues, prostitutes, or the homeless. Also, he could kill his colleagues (or subordinates) for some of the stupidest reasons whether it be over a business deal nobody knows about in detail, having a better business card than him, and being able to get a reservation at a popular restaurant. Oh, and he’s willing to sarcastically confess his crimes and sociopathy to fellow colleagues which nobody seems to take seriously. And he tries to murder his secretary with a nail gun when she finds a journal depicting his grisly rapes and murders. I’d rather be unemployed than work for such a racist, sexist, homophobic, and extremely elitist selfish killing machine. This is especially true if he’s a fan of Huey Lewis & the News.

14. Meredith Johnson

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From: Disclosure

Occupation: Corporate Executive

The Problem: Sexual harassment, abuse of power, attempted rape, and backstabbing.

Despite being played by Demi Moore, Meredith Johnson is the worst boss you’d ever want to be involved in a relationship with, especially if you’re her ex Tom Sanders. Right from the time she’s promoted to CEO of DigiCom (a job that Tom probably should’ve had), Meredith aggressively tries to resume her romantic relationship with Tom despite that he’s now married family man and repeatedly turns her down. Yet, Meredith doesn’t seem to care and even forces herself on him though Tom ends up spurning her and pushing her to the ground. In revenge for not having sex wit her, Meredith tries to ruin Tom’s life and career for suing him for sexual harassment and later tries to make him a scapegoat for the recent problems with the quality of the company’s products. And for a while, it seems that Tom is screwed since nobody in his company believes what Meredith was doing to him. It’s basically what you get if the lady from Fatal Attraction was your boss, well, sort of. Still, if Tom had given in, his marriage would’ve been over and Meredith still would’ve sued him for sexual harassment anyway.

15. August Rosenbluth

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From: Water for Elephants

Occupation: Circus Owner, Ringmaster, and Head Animal Trainer

The Problem: Cruelty to animals, abuse, bullying, and intimidation.

He may seem charming and kind at first but he has a vicious streak a mile wide. This guy is an animal slave driver who’s willing to drive his four legged performers to exhaustion and injury since he believes that the suffering of animals is nothing compared what people go through. He’s not so much nicer to people since he expects his animals and employee to follow his orders to the very letter. And he’s not afraid to throw people from the train who disobey him or beat the shit out of them. Oh, and he’s possessive and physically abusive to his wife and if you try to run off with her, he’ll go to great lengths to make sure you’re dead even if he has to send two thugs to beat you up. Let’s just say, nobody wouldn’t be upset if he got trampled by an elephant on any given day.

16. E. Edward Grey

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From: Secretary

Occupation: Attorney

The Problem: Sexual harassment, taking advantage of employee’s insecurity, and abuse of power.

Now this movie is basically what 50 Shades of Grey would be as a workplace romantic comedy. Of course, E. Edward Grey may not be an abusive psycho boyfriend like Christian Grey would be, but he’s not a great guy to work for. Sure engaging in consensual BDSM may be all right but basically hiring a legal secretary for that very purpose and firing her after engaging in sexual intercourse isn’t whether having sexual insecurities or not. Of course, this is especially true if the sex was basically his idea in the first place, which is sexual harassment. And it doesn’t help that Lee Holloway had just been released from a psychiatric hospital after an episode of self-harm, which almost makes Grey seem much worse. Also, I’m not sure the power dynamic in the workplace is a great foundation for a healthy relationship in the bedroom, BDSM or not.

17. Pontius Pilate

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From: Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Occupation: Roman Governor of Judea

The Problem: To make a long story short, he’s basically an idiot who no one could take seriously, not even his employees. Also incompetence, no sense of humor, and being easily offended.

Now Pontius Pilate was a bad boss in real life as testified by Josephus as well as Philo of Alexandria and the fact that he was recalled to Rome because the Romans thought he was too brutal. Yet, to the extent he’s depicted as a jerk in the Bible and biblical movies kind of depends on interpretation. Yet, he’s portrayed as a guy reluctant to crucify Jesus in the Gospels because the writers didn’t want to depict the Roman authorities in a negative light. In Life of Brian, Pilate is basically an idiot who no one could take seriously especially since he has trouble pronouncing the letter “r” which the crowd of people goes to great lengths to ridiculously exploit just to make fun of him. The scene when the soldiers bring Brian to him is particularly relevant of his ineptness as well. It’s obvious that the guy has no sense of humor and is easily offended when his soldiers laugh whenever he mentions the name of his friend in Rome, “Bickus Dickus.” Of course, the soldiers obviously view such moniker as a joke name, a concept that Pilate has no understanding. Yet, he ends up sending one of his soldiers to gladiator school after not being able to keep himself from laughing at the name “Bickus Dickus” which seems pretty harsh. Still, Pilate’s foolishness and lack of any sense of humor basically keeps the Roman soldiers from doing their jobs and inadvertently helps Brian escape.

18. Daniel Plainview

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From: There Will Be Blood

Occupation: Oil Industrialist and Tycoon

The Problem: Workplace endangerment, abuse of power, disdain for humanity, alcoholism, bullying, corruption, murder, and others.

Of course, this movie is about the contention between two guys the audience will despise but at least the self-centered religious preacher has nobody working for him even if he bullies his dad and manipulates his flock and ultimately sells his soul to Daniel Plainview in the end. Daniel Plainview, on the other hand, may be a determined boozy miner who just wants to earn a living or basically do whatever it takes to get a buck even if it means stepping on everyone he needed to in order to advance his own goals as well as exploit everyone in the film with a speaking role. Yet, he’s indifferent to life and has no qualms about cheating folks in California who basically work like oxes and give him oil to sell. Too bad for them, a few of them fall victim to occupational hazard including Plainview’s adopted son H. W. who goes deaf by the sound of an oil well. Of course, you can bet that these workers’ families won’t get much compensation as far as Plainview is concerned. He also personally kills a few people, abandons his son who… failed him, takes general pleasure and dominating everyone, and perceives the world as much more evil than he is. Still, Plainview can’t care less about those who work for him and bring him wealth and is willing to fake care through his manipulation to outright bullying. And even his adopted son H. W. is seen is merely a prop to him that he uses to create a pretty face to help him make business deals. Let’s just say, you don’t want to work for this guy, especially when he starts to lose his sanity.

19. Jonathan Shields

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From: The Bad and the Beautiful

Occupation: Movie Producer and Studio Mogul

The Problem: Forming relationships with employees whom he’s perfectly willing to use as tools that can be disposed of. Also, tries to toy with his workers’ personal lives just so he could make a movie. Not to mention, he’s kind of a perfectionist, control freak, and backstabber to the max.

Jonathan Shields loves movies and loves making them though he cares more about the quality of his films than his human relationships. In fact, he basically uses his relationships as a means to an end, whether it means being buddies with a director when they were first starting out, hooking up with an actress she wants in his film so she won’t spend her spare time drinking or sleeping with other men, and taking a screenwriter on vacation with him so the guy won’t have to be distracted by his wife while he’s writing. Yet, once he’s done with them, he ends up basically stabbing them in the back whether it be by denying his director buddy a chance to make the film of his dreams, having his girlfriend walk in when he’s screwing another actress after celebrating her success at the premiere after party, and not telling his screenwriter that he inadvertently left the guy’s wife run off with an actor that later leads to them both dying in a plane crash. Sure he screwed these three people to the ground leaving no small wounds, but all three were better off achieved greater success because of him. Of course, you can basically call Jonathan Shields an unpolished turd with the Midas touch yet even if he did help your career, you’d still be bitter of how he hurt your feelings by screwing you over.

20. General Boulard and General Mireau

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From: Paths of Glory

Occupation: Generals in the French Army

The Problem: Basically these two guys are disconnected from the reality of the trenches and basically ordering what amounts to a suicide mission. Punish a whole regiment by having 3 soldiers shot at random for cowardice. Also, abuse of power and inability to take responsibility for their failures.

World War I was a terrible war with many losses resulting in the upper brasses disconnect with what the soldiers are really facing and the deadly results it led to. In fact, Mireau basically doesn’t believe that there’s such a thing as PTSD as well as orders his artillery to bomb their own trenches and that both of these guys are staying in fine housing accommodations while anyone who’s not a general is basically having to reside in vermin infested quarters. These two generals are basically epitomes of this when they order Colonel Dax and his regiment to attack the Anthill which is a suicide mission, a fact that’s apparent to every soldier in the regiment. Yet, when Dax’s soldiers’ common sense overrides their willingness to obey orders during the actual attack, these two guys refuse to acknowledge their responsibility just to save face and preserve their quest for personal glory. In fact, they basically punish Colonel Dax’s regiment by having three of his soldiers court-martialed and executed for cowardice by firing squad. Of course, the two generals have made sure that the court-martial is a kangaroo trial and that these three condemned men are doomed to die for no reason at all.

21. Lord Raglan, Lord Lucan, and Lord Cardigan

From: The Charge of the Light Brigade (1968)

Occupation: Generals in the British Army and Aristocratic Peers

The Problem: These three guys are incompetent upper class twits, inability to work together, have no concern for their men, and other factors that led a major miscommunication and one of the biggest military disasters of all time.

Now these three guys were just as bad bosses in real life as they are in this movie due to the systematic problem that these guys basically purchased their own commissions. Yet, while Raglan is the least worst of the bunch he’s more or less incompetent who was just promoted beyond his ability yet ordering Lord Cardigan to lead the Charge of the Light Brigade and promoting Lord Lucan over him weren’t very good ideas. Yes, they were brothers-in-law but they absolutely detested each other and neither were very bright in the least. Seriously, Cardigan was described by historians as, “an overbearing, hot-tempered fool of the most dangerous kind in that he believed that he possessed real ability.” In the movie, Cardigan also tends to treat his troops like personal property. And when Lucan received Raglan’s order, he basically ordered Cardigan to charge his men through a gauntlet of fire to capture the guns at the far end of the valley. The result was that the Light Brigade was driven off by overwhelming enemy numbers and they retreated through the same way they charged leading to 278 British casualties and nothing accomplished. Oh, and right after the charge, Cardigan basically has lunch on his yacht and tells the survivors that the disaster wasn’t his fault. So there you have it, the Charge of the Light Brigade was a disaster due to incompetence, mutual jealousy, and miscommunication between these three guys who make desertion seem like a viable option if any of them were your commanding officer.

22. Tony Stark (a. k. a. Iron Man)

Iron Man

From: The Iron Man Series

Occupation: Billionaire, Superhero, Tycoon, Inventor, and Philanthropist

The Problem: Egotistical, high maintenance, immature, selfish, and basically has his assistant do everything.

If you think having Iron Man as your boss would be cool, then prepare to be disillusioned if you’re hired to be his personal assistant. Stark is basically a big baby with a huge ego and lots of expensive toys who’s horribly dependent on Pepper Potts for basically everything from running his company, organizing his schedule, making excuses for him, installing a personal arc reactor to keep his heart beating every once in a while, and calling the contractor every time Stark blows up his workshop. Pepper Potts may have a job that pays well, but unfortunately this means her whole life basically revolves around Tony Stark and basically has no time for anything else. Also, her job must be incredibly stressful and bound to drive any normal person insane. Tony must be lucky that he has such a dedicated assistant willing to put up with all his hijinks and activities simply out of being in love for him. Yet, how she manages to keep Tony’s life in order while being able to retain her appearance and take proper care of herself, I have no idea.

23. Miranda Priestly

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From: The Devil Wears Prada

Occupation: Editor in Chief for a Fashion Magazine

The Problem: Demanding, abrasive, verbally abusive, and being a major control freak.

Working in fashion must be one of the most nightmarish fields for most women, especially since it’s one that’s shallow and pertains to ridiculous clothing. Compared to other bosses on the list, Miranda isn’t as bad as many of the bosses on the list. I mean she’s not physically abusive, gets people killed, commits crimes, or sexually harasses her employees. Also, she’s perfectly capable of doing her job. Yet, she’s a real pain in the ass who terrorizes and insults most of her staff, including Andy Sachs. She is a major control freak who oversees every aspect of the magazine at every stage of production and thinks nothing of turning everyone else’s schedule around while micro-managing her own. She also likes to use Andy as a punching bag by hurling insults at her about her weight, criticizing her writing, and assigning her to do impossible tasks which greatly takes a toll on her personal life. And she also seems to take positive relish in it. It’s a wonder why people are willing to work for her and not go insane. Also doesn’t tolerate anyone who disagrees with her.

24. Calvin Candie

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From: Django Unchained

Occupation: Planter

The Problem: He’s a sadistic slave owner who has his charges fight for the death for his own enjoyment as well as having a slave being murdered by dogs as well as other dastardly deeds. Also, racism and intimidation.

Slavery was a brutal institution that put blacks as inferior to whites as well as be seen as having no rights of their own and doomed to involuntary servitude. It wasn’t unusual for a slave owner to be an abusive rapist as well as torture his or her slaves on a regular basis. Still, while he may be played by Leonardo DiCaprio, Candie may seem charming at first but he’s actually a sadist who seems to inflict violence on his slaves for a lot more reasons than just keeping them in line. In fact, he seems to be very insensitive to it and seems to get pleasure in seeing two slaves fight each other to the death or casually letting a slave unwilling to fight get torn apart by dogs, which sickens even the most hardened bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz. Still, he’s a complete monster even by slave owner standards and Candyland is basically a plantation of horrors. Let’s just say that slave owners would’ve thought twice about having their own slaves fight each other or having a runaway ripped apart by dogs, especially since they were substantial financial investments. Putting slaves in gladiatorial battles just wouldn’t make any sense to an antebellum slave owner. You could see why King Schultz had to shoot him in the chest when Candie offered to shake his hand.

25. Idi Amin

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From: The Last King of Scotland

Occupation: Military Dictator of Uganda

The Problem: Basically he’s a ruthless dictator who was responsible for killing as many as 500,000 people. Robbing his countrymen and not taking being cheated on well despite having 3 wives. Also being batshit insane.

Working for a dictator is no fun at all. In fact, dictators make really terrible bosses in general, especially if he goes by the name of Josef Stalin. Idi Amin is no different and though he may seem charming at first but remember this is one of the more notorious African dictators as well as responsible for genocide during his 8 year rule of Uganda. Also, he’s one of the few famous dictators to have a feature film about his rule which is depicted so menacingly. By sharing his love of Scotland being impressed at his ability to shoot a cow, he manages to charm Nicholas Garrigan into becoming his personal physician and help modernize Uganda’s health care system.. Yet, working for a genocidal dictator has a lot of strings attached such as having to rationalize your boss’s crackdown of the opposition and expelling South Asians out of the country. Also, the fact that Garrigan can’t keep it in his pants and ends up knocking up one of Amin’s wives. Still, let’s just say you don’t want to work for a guy who isn’t above beating you up or hanging you up on a meat hook by your skin, no less. Let’s just say I’d rather work for Darth Vader than this guy.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Second Edition)

Since my post on bad book covers has now become the most popular post, I have now decided to do another post. Now if you thought the last ones were funny, you’ll like these as well. While it’s important not to judge a book from its cover before reading it, sometimes its hard to do so when the cover is so bad that it inspires a lot of shits and giggles. Some of them may have bad pictures that might have absolutely nothing to do with what the book is about. Some may have images and titles bearing inappropriate or disgusting connotations. Other books may be rather telling whether the material is good or not, especially when the title and book’s image give you some idea on what the book is about. I mean if a book has a cover about Amish people in space, you’d probably want to stay away from it, right? So for all you guys who enjoyed my last post on bad book covers, here is a list of even more unintentionally funny and disturbing covers for all you to enjoy. Still, some of these may not be safe for work.

1. The Hungry Ones by Craig Douglas

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it's a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl's shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it’s a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl’s shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

For some reason I can’t decide whether this is a romance novel or one about a very disturbed clown.

2. Jizzle by John Wyndham

I don't know about you, but when I hear the word "jizzle," I don't think about mythological monsters about to go at it. Did I just say that? Shit.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “jizzle,” I don’t think about mythological monsters about to go at it or fight to the death. Hope it’s just fight to the death.

Now this may be a collection of sci-fi/fantasy stories but the title is a sexual slang term.

3. People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead by Gary Leon Hill

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they're dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, "When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they're drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they're dead. It's frustrating to see and not be seen. It's frustrating to not know what you're supposed to do next. It's especially frustrating to be in someone else's body and think it's your own. That's if you're dead. If you're alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that's a whole other set of frustrations." Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they’re dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, “When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they’re drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they’re dead. It’s frustrating to see and not be seen. It’s frustrating to not know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s especially frustrating to be in someone else’s body and think it’s your own. That’s if you’re dead. If you’re alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that’s a whole other set of frustrations.” Basically this is All of Me turned into a horror movie premise. Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Of course, despite the title, it’s actually based on a true story about people possessing other individuals’ bodies as far as the author’s concerned. But still, I would suggest it’s paranormal fiction because we can’t really communicate with the dead.

4. Exo-Vaticana: Petrus Romanus, PROJECT LUCIFER, and the Vatican’s astonishing exo-theological plan for the arrival of an alien savior by Chris Putnam and Thomas Horn

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church's involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let's just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter's Basilica kind of  gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church’s involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let’s just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter’s Basilica kind of gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

Basically this is a cross of Dan Brown with The Left Behind series.

5. Blazing Embers by Angela Ashley

I don't know about you, but I certainly hope this isn't a romance novel because it doesn't remind me of burning embers as far as I'm concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middl aged men bathing with younger naked women. That's just sick.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly hope this isn’t a romance novel because it doesn’t remind me of burning embers as far as I’m concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middle aged men bathing with younger naked women. That’s just sick.

I’m not sure that any woman would love to take a bath with a hair man that resembles Larry David.

6. Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space?  I absolutely don't get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space? I absolutely don’t get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Now this is the most fucked up cover presentation I’ve ever seen. Of course, Amish vampires are one thing, but having them in space, well, that’s just crazy.

7. Christianity Lite: Stop Drinking a Watered-Down Gospel by Glen Berteau

Seriously, what's with the beer bottle on the cover? It's a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts.

Seriously, what’s with the beer bottle on the cover? It’s a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts. Also, the beer bottle presented as if it’s from a beer commercial.

Now I get the idea of a watered down Gospel but why do you have to compare it to beer?

8. Why Cat’s Paint: A theory of feline aesthetics by Heather Busch and Burton Silver

Wow, I didn't believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don't. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Wow, I didn’t believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don’t. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Finally, a book about cats, painting?

9. Everything I Want to Do Is Illegal by Joe Salatin

Let's just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement "everything I want to do is illegal" can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that's illegal. Not to mention, it's worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business instead.

Let’s just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement “everything I want to do is illegal” can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that’s illegal. Not to mention, it’s worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business and urbanization instead.

Now this book talks about stories pertaining to the local food front, but this title could have other interpretations as far as anyone is concerned.

10. Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages by Victor T. Cheney

I'm sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it's written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

I’m sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it’s written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

Finally, a title that would make any member of the male species clutch their junk in horror, except the author.

11. Harpo’s Horrible Secret by Barbara Kelly

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn't seem to make Harpo's situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn’t seem to make Harpo’s situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

I think the cover just spoiled the whole story for me in the most disturbing way possible.

12. Everything I Know About Women I Learned From My Tractor by Roger Welsch

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren't farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don't run on petroleum either.

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren’t farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don’t run on petroleum either.

Seriously, I don’t want to know about how your tractor fits in with your sex life. I’m sorry but that’s just me.

13. 1984 by George Orwell

What the hell is O'Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that's mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn't supposed to be sexy.

What the hell is O’Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that’s mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn’t supposed to be sexy.

All right, why is Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece being marketed as a Harlequin Romance? Seriously, though it contains romance, it’s not the only thing in it.

14. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

Oh, it's not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could've made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

Oh, it’s not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could’ve made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

Read the Jane Austen classic about a normal size woman who can’t decide between two little men sitting on her shoulders.

15. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

I'm sure a girl's legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

I’m sure a girl’s legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

With the legs in the black and white stripe tights, I almost thought it was Wicked.

16. Baby, Come Out! by Fran Manushkin

Never in my lifetime, I have seen depictions of pregnancy in children's books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister's screams from in utero? And why isn't it situated in a fetal position?

Never in my lifetime, have I seen depictions of pregnancy in children’s books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister’s screams from in utero? And why isn’t it situated in a fetal position?

I wonder if these pictures really provide an accurate description of fetal development. Also, why have the fetus featured in the mother’s swelling abdomen at all?

17. The Zen of Farting by Reppah Gud Wan

I'm sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this.

I’m sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this. Then again, the Buddhist monk featured may just have had eaten too much tofu burritos at lunch.

I’m sure this is perhaps the most popular Zen book for guys since it’s the only Zen art most of them have actually mastered.

18. Bombproof Your Horse by Sgt. Rick Pelicano

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I'm sure bombproofing it isn't going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I’m sure bombproofing it isn’t going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Finally, a book for the equestrian on how to make your horse stamp out all his biological impulses, even in common sense instances that cause trauma.

19. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children's book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn't there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children’s book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn’t there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

I’m sure this is a perfectly safe book that families can enjoy, but you wouldn’t know it from the cover which seems like a rejected design for Lolita.

20. Children Are No Match for Fire by Carol Dean

Let's just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I'm sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Let’s just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I’m sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Nothing scares your kids straight about fire safety than a cover featuring children running away from a burning bad lighter, candle, firecracker, and match.

21. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn't a girl in a joke about the farmer's daughters. Also, she's supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke's cousin.

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn’t a girl in a joke about the farmer’s daughters. Also, she’s supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke’s cousin.

I’m sure these books are decent for girls since they were written for them. It’s just that the publishers thought it would be a good idea to have some girl from a country music video pose for the cover.

22. Hiroshima No Pika by Toshi Maruki

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it's a good idea for a children's book? Also, what's with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it’s a good idea for a children’s book? Also, what’s with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

Finally a book for children about the atomic bomb blasts at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Great for giving kids nightmares at bedtime.

23. Give Baldy Your Tit: What to Do with It Now that It’s Out by Omerta Hickey

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, "Give Baldy Your Tit" seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, “Give Baldy Your Tit” seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

According to the title, it appears as if it’s a book on baby care as written by a frat boy using a woman’s name as a pseudonym.

24. Sexy Food for Seniors by Lorraine

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what's with the "Sexy Food for Seniors" thing? I mean food isn't supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what’s with the “Sexy Food for Seniors” thing? I mean food isn’t supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

Now what the hell are those things on the covers?

25. Shag Tae Pony and Other Stories by Peter Crabbe

I know the author probably intended to have the word "shag" contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title is absolutely hilarious nowadays.

I know the author probably intended to have the word “shag” contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title now is likened to bestiality.

Who the fuck names their pony Shag? Or is it shag the pony? Oh, dear.

26. Armed America: Portraits of American Gun Owners in Their Homes by Kyle Cassidy

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn't grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he'll use.

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn’t grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he’ll use.

Great! Now a coffee table book filled with photos of American families that scare me.

27. Cranford by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what's featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what’s featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Of course, a book cover like this is bound to leave many teenage boys who buy this very disappointed that Cranford isn’t a science fiction novel that pertains to a dystopian society.

28. A Day in the Life of Canada by David Cohen

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can't be sure. And why are the boy's shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can’t be sure. And why are the boy’s shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Hey, I didn’t know they had child brides in Canada.

29. I Found a Dead Bird: The Kids’ Guide to the Cycle of Life and Death by Jan Thornhill

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn't help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, "don't touch" or "don't go anywhere near it because it make you sick."

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn’t help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, “don’t touch” or “don’t go anywhere near it because it make you sick.”

Now here is a book that teaches kids about death in perhaps one of the sickest ways possible.

30. Kids Are Americans Too by Bill O’Reilly and Charles Flowers

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O'Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids.

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O’Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids and I’m sure his book is certainly full of shit. Besides, most kids aren’t interested in right wing political talk shows anyway, I hope.

Note: It now comes a time that Bill O’Reilly doesn’t really believe this 100% of the time, especially if those kids were from Latin American countries like El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras.

31. I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter by Carlton Mellick III

Of course, this book is labeled "A Demonic Romantic Comedy." Yet, I'm sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she's a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should've known better.

Of course, this book is labeled “A Demonic Romantic Comedy.” Yet, I’m sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she’s a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should’ve known better.

I’m sure if you knocked up Satan’s daughter, you wouldn’t be in a good position. Let’s just say your life would be a literal Hell.

32. Lumberjack in Love by Penny Watson

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he's going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he’s going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

Don’t look now, but I don’t think the lumberjack is in love with the woman on the cover.

33. Murder in the Hellfire Club by David Zochert

I don't think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

I don’t think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

Featuring Ben Franklin sliding down a lightning shaped bannister.

34. The Moose with Loose Poops by Charlotte Cowan M. D.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean moose calves don't have them yet.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean male moose calves don’t have them yet.

Great! Now there’s a children’s book about moose bowel movements. Wonder if they should consult the Charmin bears.

35. Eating People Is Wrong by Malcolm Bradbury

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it's sick but it's just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it’s sick but it’s just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Of course, I didn’t have to read this to know that cannibalism is wrong.

36. One Two Three Pull! by Sophie Schmid and Sabine PrawlI

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don't think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don’t think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Just a harmless children’s book or I hope that the rabbit isn’t doing anything terrible to the chicken.

37. My Parents Open Carry by Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site. Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn't find any pro-gun children's books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids' book. I mean there's nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it's going to do is to make people afraid of you.

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site if you anger them. Yeah, I’m sure the girl’s parents are perfectly harmless people (no way in hell). Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn’t find any pro-gun children’s books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids’ book. I mean there’s nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it’s going to do is to make people afraid of you.

Here’s a children’s book about a kid asking people to accept her parent’s scary behavior that shouldn’t be encouraged at all. I mean you wouldn’t want your kids to read a book promoting drugs, smoking, and alcohol. The idea of a children’s book encouraging open carry is absolutely insane.

38. Lord of Thunder by Andre Norton

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that's fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that’s fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

Man, I sure hope that spaceship doesn’t get eaten by that giant evil cat.

39. Satan Was a Lesbian by Fred Haley

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he'd have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God's sake he's depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn't say that Satan isn't a lesbian, I don't know what is.

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he’d have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God’s sake he’s depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn’t say that Satan isn’t a lesbian, I don’t know what is.

From what the cover shows of Satan, it sure as hell doesn’t look like it to me.

40. The Turn of the Screw by Henry James

I'm sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

I’m sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

So it’s about tools right?

41. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would've been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would’ve been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

I’m sure Frankenstein isn’t about some medieval swordsman climbing some alien mountain since it takes place in the 19th century.

42. The Shining by Stephen King

The cover designers could've easily used Jack Nicholson saying "Here's Johnny!" for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

The cover designers could’ve easily used Jack Nicholson saying “Here’s Johnny!” for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

Of course, when people think about the famous Stephen King novel, I’m sure a sexy blond with a bad haircut from the 1980s doesn’t come into mind.

43. On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I'm not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there's global warming to worry about.

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I’m not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there’s global warming to worry about.

What the hell is it with the polar bears dancing in the moonlight? Seriously, why?

44. The Vampire’s Vacation by Ron Roy

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

I didn’t know Hawaii was a popular vacation destination for vampires.

45. Scream Street: Heart of the Mummy by Tommy Donbavand

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he's putting on display. Yet, one person doesn't really seem impressed here.

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he’s putting on display. Yet, one person doesn’t really seem impressed here.

Or as I call it Scream Street: Crotch of the Mummy since I can’t tell what’s illuminating from the mummy when he’s sitting down but the light seems to come from between its legs.

46. A Girl’s Best Friend by John Kellerman

Sure a dog may be a girl's best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

Sure a dog may be a girl’s best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

More like a girl’s best friend with benefits from what you can tell by the cover.

47. Impact for Murder by Cheri Galbiati

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Let’s see, I’m sure hurricane footage and German shepherds in wreckage are what I think about when I read murder mysteries.

48. The Girl from Las Vegas by J. M. Flynn

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won't hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they're more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won’t hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they’re more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Or why James Bond turned a sexy woman with a gun because of her ugly pants.

49. Night and Day by Virginia Woolf

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren't wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren’t wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

I’m sure the heroine in this story wasn’t a trashy spy unlike what the cover depicts.

50. Sewer, Gas, & Electric by Mark Ruff

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don't think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don’t think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

Since when do basic utilities have anything to do with polka dot submarines, Roman columns, sharks, sun dials, or the World Trade Center?

51. The Doctor’s Dilemma by Janet Lane Walters

Let me just say I wouldn't trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who'd kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement.

Let me just say I wouldn’t trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who’d kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement. That or a kind of guy who does taxidermy and has his mother as a skeleton in a dress.

From how I see it, it’s probably about a creepy psycho killing doctor who must decide whether to raise the two babies on his own or kill them.

52. Mind Pump: The Psychology of Bodybuilding by Tom Kubistant EdD.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren't the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren’t the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. In fact, they’re just the opposite. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

I’m sure using telepathy to lift weights is going to bring great results. Actually it could kill you when they fall on your head.

53. Fellow Fags by Ethel Talbot

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today's standards. Nowadays "fag" is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don't seem to have a problem calling each other "fellow fags" for some reason.

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today’s standards. Nowadays “fag” is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don’t seem to have a problem calling each other “fellow fags” for some reason.

Considered as a book, “for kids, aged six to sixteen, by the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge and Sheldon Press, London.” Of course, seeing the title I would’ve imagine it being about a bunch of gay soccer players.

54. That None Should Die by Frank G. Slaughter

According to one website's interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above.

According to one website’s interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above. Also, I hope those baby’s blue markings are pen marks by some person trying to deface it.

Says here it’s, “the story of a doctor whose ideals proved stronger than any temptation.” Could I say that certain temptation may be bloodlust? Because I don’t like how he’s looking at that baby.

55. The Manly Art of Knitting by Dan Fougner

We don't really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I'm sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you're on your horse for 18 hours but I don't see it.

We don’t really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I’m sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you’re on your horse for 18 hours but I don’t see it.

I’m sure we all yearn for the days when the lone cowboy roamed the range while scarves for his doagies.

56. Will-O-the Wisp by Thomas Burnett Swan

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman's throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman’s throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

This a blatant attempt to sell to teenage boys but what this naked redhead is doing on top of a giant insect, we’ll never know.

57. Dead Pet: Send Your Best Little Buddy Off in Style by Andrew Kirk and Jane Moseley

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend's demise. Still, I can't help but laugh.

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend’s demise. Still, I can’t help but laugh.

A kind of book you can give your kids when you’re thinking about putting Fluffy to sleep. I mean at least they can look forward to launching his corpse up in the sky.

58. How to Raise Your I. Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis Burke Frumkes

Hmm..didn't know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

Hmm..didn’t know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

I hear this book says that mathletes are delicious.

59. Servants of the Wankh by Jack Vance

Of course, the word "wank" is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that's what the cover tells me.

Of course, the word “wank” is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that’s what the cover tells me.

All hail to the tiny toad king held by the man with a trapezoidial head.

60. Double Penetrator: Tokyo Purple/Northwest Contract by Chet Cunningham

Sure, calling a vigilante hero "the Penetrator" may seem cool at first but understand that the word "penetrate" is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn't really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either.

Sure, calling a vigilante hero “the Penetrator” may seem cool at first but understand that the word “penetrate” is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn’t really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either. Perhaps this may be a self-insertion fic for Anthony Weiner.

I’m sure when I hear of the Penetrator, I think of a 1970s porn stached vigilante gun man. Yeah, right.

Back to School Advertising in the Days of Yesteryear

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As with the month of August, back to school season is upon us once more. Soon the kids will be going back to school and/or leaving for college. Yet, if the kids aren’t back to school by now, this is the time to get them ready with back to school shopping. And the wonderful spirit of advertising is bound to help you find the best products and deals for your child’s back to school needs. Of course, this is because back to school season is a big time for American business since a lot of retail giants make a ton of money. And if that retail giant is like Staples, then it’s “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” to quote from their 1990s commercial in which the dad is basically prancing around the store while his children sulk in misery. This parent loves back to school shopping since he knows it’s a time when he can get the little ones off his back and Staples is happy to oblige him. Yet, there are some downsides to back to school shopping. Sometimes the ads feature back to school clothes that may be what Little Susie wants but don’t conform to the school dress code or make her resemble a child streetwalker. Then there’s Timmy who wants a Grand Theft Auto stationery set so he could impress all his friends even though you wonder how he’s able to play that game in the first place since he’s like ten. Oh, and there’s Nate who is all tied up with high school football camp at the moment while Tammy wants a binder with Justin Bieber’s face on it. I could go on and on about the great vintage back to school season ads but you probably wouldn’t enjoy it. Instead, I’ll show an assortment of vintage ads that seem a bit crazy to us nowadays. So without further adieu, here’s a treasury of the old back to school ads people tend to forget.

1. For the college boy in the 1950s, here’s Tom Sawyer college stripes.

Of course, Jimmy's mom picked the outfit for him thinking it would make him seem sharp. However, Jimmy thinks wearing such outfit would make him the laughingstock at Ole Miss and is currently devising a plan to murder his mother in her sleep.

Of course, Jimmy’s mom picked the outfit for him thinking it would make him seem sharp. However, Jimmy thinks wearing such outfit would make him the laughingstock at Ole Miss and is currently devising a plan to murder his mother in her sleep.

2. For the teacher, here’s a bottle of Teacher’s Scotch to help you through a day in the classroom.

Teacher's is actually a brand of scotch whiskey. Yet, this

Teacher’s is actually a brand of scotch whiskey. Yet, this “Are we serious about not drinking Teacher’s on Saturday?” can also have another meaning entirely. I wonder if their TV ad campaigns have people confusing “drinking Teacher’s” with “drinking teachers.”

3. Teacher, what fabric will clothes be woven in America’s future?

Now I don't know about you, but I know little kids don't ask questions about fabric or what not. Also, the little girl's pinafore is way too short and the boy's shirt is pink which will probably lead him to getting beat up at recess. Oh, and what the hell is the teacher wearing?

Now I don’t know about you, but I know little kids don’t ask questions about fabric or what not. Also, the little girl’s pinafore is way too short and the boy’s shirt is pink which will probably lead him to getting beat up at recess. Oh, and what the hell is the teacher wearing?

4. So for the college bound boys out there, remember that girls are very attracted to men who reek the smell of nicotine.

This is one of a quite a few back to school season ads that targets smoking to college students. Sure Jerry's nicotine addiction might make him a hit with the ladies in college but he's headed through a dark future of emphysema, lung cancer, yellow teeth, heart disease, respiratory disease, halitosis, and early death. Sure Jerry is a smoking hot stud now, but he'll end his days as a very sick man.

This is one of a quite a few back to school season ads that targets smoking to college students. Sure Jerry’s nicotine addiction might make him a hit with the ladies in college but he’s headed through a dark future of emphysema, lung cancer, yellow teeth, heart disease, respiratory disease, halitosis, and early death. Sure Jerry is a smoking hot stud now, but he’ll end his days as a very sick man.

5. In 1937, it was perfectly all right for teachers to endorse their favorite brand of cigarettes.

Sure this ad is from 1937, but it basically features a teacher who's basically endorsing tobacco products, which doesn't make him a good teacher. Also, he seems to act rather pervy to Miss Hepplewhite whom I'm not sure is one of Mr. Throckmorton's faculty colleague or possibly his student. Just hope that Miss Hepplewhite is a student.

Sure this ad is from 1937, but it basically features a teacher who’s basically endorsing tobacco products, which doesn’t make him a good teacher. Also, he seems to act rather pervy to Miss Hepplewhite whom I’m not sure is one of Mr. Throckmorton’s faculty colleague or possibly his student. Just hope that Miss Hepplewhite is a teacher because the student-teacher romance dynamic isn’t what I want to see in advertising.

6. Want to fit into college? Then start smoking!

Yes, college kids, buy Camel cigarettes today or else that girl in the picture will go to your dorm room and strangle you to death in your bed. Seriously, she's so terrifying that we had to shoot this ad in black and white since her teeth are yellow.

Yes, college kids, buy Camel cigarettes today or else that girl in the picture will go to your dorm room and strangle you to death in your bed. Seriously, she’s so terrifying that we had to shoot this ad in black and white since her teeth are yellow.

7. For the school nurse, treat the kiddie cuts with Mercurochrome.

Warning: Contains mercury which is a poisonous element that you don't want in  your bloodstream. Pulled from the US market by the FDA in 2008. Yet, at the time the ad was made, it was over the counter.

Warning: Contains mercury which is a poisonous element that you don’t want in your bloodstream. Pulled from the US market by the FDA in 2008. Yet, at the time the ad was made, it was over the counter.

8. Of course, we can’t forget underwear for your child’s back to school needs.

Yes, these are tidy whiteys and that's a teacher with a kid. Still, this isn't an appropriate show of teacher and student relations. Also, why feature a student and teacher in their underwear at all? It just seems creepy if you ask me.

Yes, these are tidy whiteys and that’s a teacher with a kid. Still, this isn’t an appropriate show of teacher and student relations. Also, why feature a student and teacher in their underwear at all? It just seems creepy if you ask me.

9. Yes, drink 7UP for a fresh, clean, taste during your awkward moments in high school.

Sure this group perhaps consist of a bunch of good looking rich kids with their fancy cars and fur coats. Yet, while this may seem like an after school double date, notice that the guy in the back seat is touching the front seat driver's shoulder. And the driver doesn't really seem to mind for some reason. Considering that this ad was made in the highly homophobic 1950s, it makes me wonder about the two guys'

Sure this group perhaps consist of a bunch of good looking rich kids with their fancy cars and fur coats. Yet, while this may seem like an after school double date, notice that the guy in the back seat is touching the front seat driver’s shoulder. And the driver doesn’t really seem to mind for some reason. Considering that this ad was made in the highly homophobic 1950s, it makes me wonder about the two guys’ “friendship.”

10. Apparently Principal Henry Dingbat had a tendency to hire a lot of young and attractive teachers at the local elementary school.

And every year, Mr. Dingbat would stare down his window ogling at the young teachers wondering which one he was going to get lucky with.

And every year, Mr. Dingbat would stare down his window ogling at the young teachers wondering which one of them he was going to get lucky with or whether he had to fire her after knocking her up.

11. Join the Schools at War program and show your American patriotism.

Yes, I know this is a back to school season ad from World War II. Yet, you have to wonder whether

Yes, I know this is a back to school season ad from World War II. Yet, you have to wonder whether “Schools at War” should be an appropriate slogan. Of course, we know what’s probably going to happen with the boy collecting metal things come his senior year if it’s before 1945.

12. Coffee, a perfect drink for a date at a Saturday afternoon football game.

Sure the guy and the girl may be holding hands but the man looks too old to be your conventional 18-22 college student. Rather he seems more like a middle aged professor to me. Let's just hope the woman isn't his student, which would make this ad kind of disturbing if she was.

Sure the guy and the girl may be holding hands but the man looks too old to be your conventional 18-22 college student. Rather he seems more like a middle aged professor to me. Then again, maybe it’s the trenchcoat and fedora aging him. Let’s just hope the woman isn’t his student, which would make this ad kind of disturbing if she was.

13. Which senior will you be watching this graduation day?

I don't know about graduation. However, we've all remember the creepy blond guy in the bowtie and the blue

I don’t know about graduation. However, we’ve all remember the creepy blond guy in the bowtie and the blue “M” shirt. That guy, my friend is future 3 time Academy Award winner, Jack Nicholson who’d later dye his hair dark and star in movies like Chinatown, The Shining, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Five Easy Pieces, and many others. Yes, this guy is going to be big after graduation.

14. Become an unforgettable and disarming woman by buying stockings of course.

Seriously, I would've been fine if this was just a vintage picture in Playboy geared toward men and encouraging them to seek out smarter women with big books on their shelves instead of big boobs. Since this is an ad to sell hosiery, I just have to be disappointed. Seriously all the women you read about may be unforgettable and disarming, but many of them did it without wearing hosiery. So does putting on that ad kind of defeat the purpose?

Seriously, I would’ve been fine if this was just a vintage picture in Playboy geared toward men and encouraging them to seek out smarter women with big books on their shelves instead of big boobs. Since this is an ad to sell hosiery, I just have to be disappointed. Seriously all the women you read about may be unforgettable and disarming, but many of them did it without wearing hosiery. So does putting on that ad kind of defeat the purpose?

15. Now you, too can have your own notebook containing a picture of your favorite teen heartthrob whether it be David Cassidy or Donny Osmond?

Let's just say that if you want to embarrass your mother, ask her if she actually had a notebook featuring either of these two guys. Of course, I wonder if they have one those notebooks with Michael Douglas' picture on them and if my mom had one. Then again, she probably had a notebook with Starsky and Hutch, too.

Let’s just say that if you want to embarrass your mother, ask her if she actually had a notebook featuring either of these two guys. Of course, I wonder if they have one those notebooks with Michael Douglas’ picture on them and if my mom had one. Then again, she probably had a notebook with Starsky and Hutch, too.

16. Wear the perfect hosiery and soon you’d have a guy staring up your skirt in the library.

And this is where a young Bill Nye the Science Guy discovered the wonders of human sexuality and reproduction both in a theoretical and literal sense. The woman's identity remains a secret to this day.

And this is where a young Bill Nye the Science Guy discovered the wonders of human sexuality and reproduction both in a theoretical and literal sense. For him it was the best day in high school he’d ever have. The female’s identity remains a secret to this day.

17. For your platter parties, here’s a spam pizza from Kraft and Spam.

Because if all that smoking in college doesn't kill you in the future, this spam pizza dish certainly will. I mean a 2 oz. serving contains 15 g of fat,  174 calories, and 767 mg of sodium. Basically, eat enough on it and you'll be a joke of a Monty Python sketch and die from cardiovascular disease.

Because if all that smoking in college doesn’t kill you in the future, this spam pizza dish certainly will. I mean a 2 oz. serving contains 15 g of fat, 174 calories, and 767 mg of sodium. Basically, eat enough on it and you’ll be a joke of a Monty Python sketch and die from cardiovascular disease.

18. Nothing is sexier than seeing a guy play the accordion.

Of course, the reason why she may date a guy playing the accordion is: A. He's the best looking available guy in school. B. Her parents like him and she doesn't want to let them down. C. His family is rich enough to own a yacht and a hunting lodge. D. She's secretly gay. E. She just simply loves polka music and Lawrence Welk for some reason. Or F. All of the above.

Of course, the reason why she may date a guy playing the accordion is: A. He’s the best looking available guy in school. B. Her parents like him and she doesn’t want to let them down. C. His family is rich enough to own a yacht and a hunting lodge. D. She’s secretly gay. E. She just simply loves polka music and Lawrence Welk for some reason. Or F. All of the above.

19. Some people go to school in a building, others outside in the open air.

Now if this classroom were set where I live, the kids would get a lot of days off, usually due to rain, snow, thunderstorms, ice, and what not. This is why outdoor classrooms aren't very practical.

Now if this classroom were set where I live, the kids would get a lot of days off, usually due to rain, snow, thunderstorms, ice, hail, wind, and what not. This is why outdoor classrooms aren’t very practical.

20. Of course, this ad shows a scene of a guy and girl studying chemistry.

Don't look now, but I think this is about to become a creepy love triangle any time soon. I mean the science teacher is totally checking that girl out which is rather disturbing if you ask me.

Don’t look now, but I think this is about to become a creepy love triangle any time soon. I mean the science teacher is totally checking that girl out which is rather disturbing if you ask me.

21. The party drink on college campuses, well, it’s 7 Up of course.

Of course, they may be talking about school sponsored activities here. However, 7 Up is used in a popular highball drink called 7 and 7. Still, let's just accept the fact that the most popular beverage on college campuses is beer and leave it at that.

Of course, they may be talking about school sponsored activities here. However, 7 Up is used in a popular highball drink called 7 and 7. Still, let’s just accept the fact that the most popular beverage on college campuses is beer and leave it at that.

22. Want to be one of the cool kids in school? Then start smoking!

Yeah, these perky kids may look cool, but be warned this is an ad that's promoting a product that should never be sold to minors at all. Yet, since this is before the later 1960s, tobacco might as well get as many kiddies hooked as it can. Expect these kids to spend the rest of their lives on a respirator with their lungs full of tar.

Yeah, these perky kids may look cool, but be warned this is an ad that’s promoting a product that should never be sold to minors at all. Yet, since this is before the later 1960s, tobacco might as well get as many kiddies hooked as it can. Expect these kids to spend the rest of their lives on a respirator with their lungs full of tar.

23. For girls going to college, take hangers, driver’s license, sewing kit, bedsheets, and ukelele?

I'm sure Bethany's obsession with Hawaiian music is going to drive her roommate Marjorie into many sleepless nights. Still, the girl seems like she doesn't have a clue.

I’m sure Bethany’s obsession with Hawaiian music is going to drive her roommate Marjorie into many sleepless nights. Still, the girl seems like she doesn’t have a clue.

24. Buy a dress like this and become a distraction to boys in the classroom.

Let's just say that the boy's inability to pay attention in school is his fault, not the girl's. I mean her dress is totally in line with dress code regulations. Yet, since a lot of girls are being blamed for distracting their fellow male students, a lot of them have to endure humiliation of being sent home to change. This isn't a good thing.

Let’s just say that the boy’s inability to pay attention in school is his fault, not the girl’s. I mean her dress is totally in line with dress code regulations. Yet, since a lot of girls are being blamed for distracting their fellow male students, a lot of them have to endure humiliation of being sent home to change. This isn’t a good thing.

25. Seems that the girls are very much into lumberjack trend for men this year.

Of course, I hope they don't find out that the guy is a crossdresser who hangs in bars, wears suspenders and a bra, and has a lot of gender identity issues. Seriously, these girls need to be prepared to be disappointed.

Of course, I hope they don’t find out that the guy is a crossdresser who hangs in bars, wears suspenders and a bra, and has a lot of gender identity issues. He also enjoys shopping a lot. Seriously, these girls need to be prepared to be disappointed.

The Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame

Doing a post on bad sports mascots got me thinking about the big leagues and how some of them don’t seem to rally the team as much as create a franchise embarrassment. Now I know many of the guys behind the costumes probably started doing this in high school and college perhaps to get in with the cheerleaders or avoid embarrassment of their jock filled family who didn’t want him in marching band. Yet, many of these pro mascots probably took their talent to the big leagues since they love the limelight and/or don’t have many applicable skills. Now the following mascots I’m listing on this post are from the Big Four Leagues based in the United States and sometime Canada as far as the NHL goes. Still, for those who feel embarrassed about your pro team mascot, this is the list for you and for those who are offended for putting your favorite mascot on the list, I sincerely apologize. So without further adieu, here is my cavalcade of the worst mascots in professional sports.

 

NFL

 

1. Steely McBeam- Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I'm from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he's ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that's so lame?

Now I’m from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he’s ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that’s so lame?

 

2. Rowdy- Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys may be America's football team (Steeler fans: actually no way in hell), but we're sure that Rowdy isn't America's favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he's kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader's boobs. Creepy.

The Dallas Cowboys may be America’s football team (Steeler fans: no way in hell), but we’re sure that Rowdy isn’t America’s favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he’s kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader’s boobs. Creepy.

 

3. Boltman- San Diego Chargers

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn't get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers' mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn’t get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers’ mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

 

4. Edgar, Allan, and Poe- Baltimore Ravens

I don't know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of "The Raven" turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

I don’t know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of “The Raven” turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

 

5. Blue-Indianapolis Colts

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

 

6. T. D.- Miami Dolphins

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn't seem very intimidating at all.

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn’t seem very intimidating at all. Seriously, still too cute.

 

7. Raider Rusher- Oakland Raiders

Now what's worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They'll probably cry.

Now what’s worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They’ll probably cry.

 

8. Jaxon de Ville- Jacksonville Jaguars

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that's not right. Seriously, I don't find speedo as anything you'd want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that’s not right. Seriously, I don’t find speedo as anything you’d want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

 

9. Pat Patriot- New England Patriots

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn't mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he's about to ask for your soul.

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn’t mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he’s about to ask for your soul.

 

10. Sir Saint- New Orleans Saints

Now I know he's been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he's a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

Now I know he’s been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he’s a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

 

11. Captain Fear- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who've seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children's movie with pirates in it who don't do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who’ve seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children’s movie with pirates in it who don’t do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

 

12. Indian- Washington Redskins

Of course, I couldn't do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans.  Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God's sake? You're projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. Seriously, this mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans. Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God’s sake? You’re projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. This mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

 

MLB

 

1. Raymond- Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball.

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball. I mean he looks like he could be related to the Lorax for God’s sake.

 

2. Dinger- Colorado Rockies

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain't Barney. The Bad: he's still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain’t Barney. The Bad: he’s still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

 

3. Billy the Marlin- Florida Marlins

Now I'm not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon's embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

Now I’m not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon’s embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami who has a large collection of Jimmy Buffett music. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

 

4. Phillie Phanatic- Philadelphia Phillies

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We're not sure which.

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We’re not sure which.

 

5. Screech- Washington Nationals

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

 

6. Bernie Brewer- Milwaukee Brewers

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn't seem to be up to no good.

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn’t seem to be up to no good.

 

7. Southpaw- Chicago White Sox

After being rejected from Sesame Street, Southpaw traveled all the way to Chicago to make his fortune. After a comedy run on Second City, Southpaw managed to achieve fame as the mascot for the Chicago White Sox. Of course, his Twitter account says: “Hey! It’s me Southpaw, the official White Sox Mascot. I sleep, breathe, eat (well…maybe not eat..that would be weird) the White Sox.” Excuse me? What did I just hear? And they have this guy perform at birthday parties?

 

8. Sluggerr- Kansas City Royals

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren't natural in large mammal predators. Still, he's simply terrifying.

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren’t natural in large mammal predators. Either that or what would happen if Bart Simpson mated with a bear. Still, he’s simply terrifying and that kid doesn’t seem too happy posing with him.

 

9. D. Baxter the Bobcat- Arizona Diamondbacks

For God's sake, I'm sure that looks like something I'd see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

For God’s sake, I’m sure that looks like something I’d see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

 

10. Wally the Green Monster- Boston Red Sox

I'm sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn't live in Boston.

I’m sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensonian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn’t live in Boston.

 

11. Slider- Cleveland Indians

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn't offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I'm sure he'd be the monster killing everybody.

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn’t offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I’m sure he’d be the monster killing everybody.

 

12. San Diego Chicken- San Diego Padres

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let's face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I'm sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn't want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let’s face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I’m sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn’t want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

 

13. Clark the Cub- Chicago Cubs

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don't know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he's a bit creepy as if he's a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don’t know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he’s a bit creepy as if he’s a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

 

14. Gapper- Cincinnati Reds

Let's see Gapper is either: A. Elmo's embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son's Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

Let’s see Gapper is: A. Elmo’s embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son’s Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

 

15. Junction Jack- Houston Astros

Let's see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I'm sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he's around, get the hell out of there.

Let’s see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I’m sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he’s around, get the hell out of there.

 

16. Swinging Friar- San Diego Padres

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that "padre" is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that “padre” is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

 

17. Mr. Redlegs- Cincinnati Reds

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he's going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he’s going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

 

18. The Luchador- Arizona Diamondbacks

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he's a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a  giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would've been better.

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he’s a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would’ve been better.

 

19. Lefty and Righty- Boston Red Sox

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn't mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn’t mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

 

20. Orbit- Houston Astros

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we're not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he's not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who'd appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we’re not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he’s not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who’d appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

 

21. Paws- Detroit Tigers

He's basically related to Tony the Tiger who's on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We're not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger's family doesn't really talk about him.

He’s basically related to Tony the Tiger who’s on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We’re not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger’s family doesn’t really talk about him. Perhaps because he has an unsettling look in his eyes.

 

22. The Sausages- Milwaukee Brewers

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don't want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don’t want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

 

23. Stomper- Oakland Athletics

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A's logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid's program in person and that's no small peanuts here.

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A’s logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid’s program in person and that’s no small peanuts here. Yeah, not very intimidating.

 

NBA

 

1. G-Wiz- Washington Wizards

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called "G-Wiz" when its fans said, "Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?"

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called “G-Wiz” when its fans said, “Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?”

 

2. Jazz Bear- Utah Jazz

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

 

3. Hip Hop the Rabbit- Philadelphia 76ers

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I'm sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I’m sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

 

4. Rumble the Bison- Oklahoma City Thunder

Basically he's the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn't look like an actual bison at all. Rather it's kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

Basically he’s the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn’t look like an actual bison at all. Rather it’s kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

 

5. Burnie- Miami Heat

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not spirit.

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not team spirit.

 

6. Stuff the Magic Dragon- Orlando Magic

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called "Puff the Magic Dragon," but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called “Puff the Magic Dragon,” but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

 

7. Pierre the Pelican- New Orleans Pelicans

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that's bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that’s bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

 

8. Go the Gorilla- Phoenix Suns

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

 

9. Coyote- San Antonio Spurs

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there's clearly something not right with him.

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there’s clearly something not right with him.

 

10. Sir CC- Cleveland Cavaliers

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him.

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him at least before Alexandre Dumas’ ghost rises out of his grave.

 

11. Thunder- Golden State Warriors

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler's estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn't a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler’s estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn’t a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

 

12. Grizz- Memphis Grizzlies

Grizz's dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead.

Grizz’s dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead. He is not happy about it.

 

13. Brooklyn Knight- Brooklyn Nets

Let's see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he's named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let's just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would've made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

Let’s see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he’s named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let’s just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would’ve made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

 

14. King Cake Baby- New Orleans Pelicans

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you'd want at any baby shower, especially if you're the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he's basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you’d want at any baby shower, especially if you’re the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he’s basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

 

15. Lucky the Leprechaun- Boston Celtics

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he'd probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he’d probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

 

16. Hugo T. Hornet- Charlotte Hornets

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair.  Or D. All of the above.

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair. Or D. All of the above.

 

17. Mavs Man- Dallas Mavericks

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn't have super powers but inherited his father's skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn’t have super powers but inherited his father’s skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

 

18. Clutch the Bear- Houston Rockets

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn't resemble a stuffed animal you'd give a baby to. What am I thinking?

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn’t resemble a stuffed animal you’d give a baby to. What am I thinking?

 

19. G-Man- Washington Wizards

Good News: Well, at least he's not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

Good News: Well, at least he’s not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

 

20. Bowser- Indianapolis Pacers

Sure he may dunk, but he’s more appropriate as a mascot for some animal shelter or a children’s show character since he’s so cuddly. Doesn’t seem intimidating at all. Was sent to the dog pound in 2010 where he may have been put to sleep, but I’m not sure.

 

NHL

 

1. Fin the Whale- Vancouver Canucks

If keeping killer whales in captivity for shows at Sea World hurts orcas then having a terrifying Fin the Whale as a mascot for the Canucks isn’t far behind. Let’s just say while orcas aren’t cute and cuddly, Fin doesn’t seem to represent them in a good light, especially when he tries to bite off children’s heads. Boy, I hope he doesn’t do anything to that boy with cancer.

 

2. Wild Wing- Anaheim Ducks

Well, he's basically what you'd have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he's out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th.

Well, he’s basically what you’d have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he’s out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th on ice.

 

3. Spartacat- Ottawa Senators

At first, you'd think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you'd probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

At first, you’d think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you’d probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

 

4. Stinger- Columbus Blue Jackets

Let's see, he's not cute, he's not furry, and he's not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he's getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won't get off his lawn. Let's just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

Let’s see, he’s not cute, he’s not furry, and he’s not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he’s getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won’t get off his lawn. Let’s just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

 

5. Youppi- Montreal Canadiens

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you'd expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he's the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you’d expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he’s the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

 

6. Sparky the Ice Dragon- New York Islanders

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should've stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children's show or Puff the Magic Dragon's evil twin brother. Also, he can't breathe fire, fly, and isn't a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should’ve stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children’s show or Puff the Magic Dragon’s evil twin brother. Also, he can’t breathe fire, fly, and isn’t a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

 

7. Harvey the Hound- Calgary Flames

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he's the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you'd think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would've been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he’s the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you’d think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would’ve been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

 

8. Al the Octopus- Detroit Red Wings

Of course, you'd think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus?  Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it's a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it's kind of scary looking.

Of course, you’d think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus? Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it’s a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it’s kind of scary looking.

 

9. Sabretooth- Buffalo Sabres

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you'd give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you’d give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

 

10. Thunderburg- Tampa Bay Lightning

You'd think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won't frighten kids.

You’d think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won’t frighten kids.

 

11. Stormy- Carolina Hurricanes

You'd think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn't make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children's cartoon for God's sake.

You’d think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn’t make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children’s cartoon for God’s sake.

 

12. Sully and Force- Vancouver Canucks

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

 

13. Bernie the Saint Bernard- Colorado Avalanche

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that dog from the Beethoven movie series.

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that troublemaking dog from the Beethoven movie series, you know the films most people watch because of the G-rating.

 

14. Carlton the Bear- Toronto Maple Leafs

Sure polar bears are animals you don't want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn't stick to your ass. Yeah, I'm talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials.

Sure polar bears are animals you don’t want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn’t stick to your ass. Yeah, I’m talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials. They say he has a history of TV marketing perhaps as the BIMBO Bread Bear in Latin America? Certainly not the kind of bear that could rip your arm off.

 

15. Boomer the Cannon- Columbus Blue Jackets

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there's just one problem. When he debuted as a "a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general," the fans didn't take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there’s just one problem. When he debuted as a “a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general,” the fans didn’t take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Willy Wonka and the Workplace Violations Report

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Recently we have received a number of complaints by visitors of the Golden Ticket Tour at Mr. Wonka’s confectionery factory. For personal reasons, all of the complainants have wished to remain anonymous. Mr. Wonka has a reputation for secrecy and no one has entered or left his factory in the last ten years, yet he continues to produce his confectionery products sold worldwide.  Mr. Wonka has been suspected for dubious business practices for quite some time and these complaints provide a unique insight in how Mr. Wonka runs his factory, which have been very useful in our investigation. It has come to our attention that he may be accused of possible workplace violations, using an illegal workforce, and misconduct to children, yet this needs to be studied further. Here is a violations that have been reported by the complainants from the Golden Ticket Tour and other anonymous individuals:

 

I. Health and Safety

1. Safety concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Chocolate river has no safety rail and leads to a grinding machine via pipes.

b. Chocolate river boat has no safety rail either which caused a visitor to fall in the chocolate river while trying to consume its contents.

c. Nut Sorting Room has a gaping hole in the middle which leads straight to a garbage incinerator.

d. Great Glass Elevator smashes through a room.

e. New equipment has resulted significant mishaps such as one growing too much hair required the assistance of a lawn mower, one being turned into giant blueberries, one floating off into space, and a number of them being shrunk to fit on a small screen.

f. TV Room has a teleporter that could shrink anything to an inch so they could fit on a screen.

g. Whenever such similar mishaps befell any of the visitors during the Golden Ticket Tour, witnesses testify that you discussed rather bizarre solutions as if they were standard safety procedures that included:

i. Being compressed through an unknown procedure in the Fudge Room to get unstuck from a pipe after falling into the Chocolate River which resulted in the visitor exiting the facility as extremely thin and/or perhaps covered in chocolate.

ii. After being transformed into a blueberry, one visitor was restored through a juicing process yet was left permanently purple and absurdly flexible.

iii. Two visitors almost faced certain death in a garbage incinerator after falling from a gaping hole in the Nut Sorting Room. Both emerged from facility covered in garbage.

iv. After being shrunk in the TV Room, one visitor was stretched by a taffy puller which resulted in leaving the facility 10 ft tall but almost paper thin.

h. Mr. Wonka is a known recluse and his factory designed as a maze of differing rooms, mazes, spaces, and experiences. Visitors from the Golden Ticket Tour reported that it was hard to know what was coming around the next corner and a lot of them had trouble finding the exit besides the front door afterwards.

2. Health concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Labor force was not seen in appropriate attire when handling any edible products according to one Golden Ticket Tour visitor who owns a factory of his own. He particularly noted seeing the workforce handle any edible products without wearing hairnets or gloves.

b. Same visitor also expressed doubts on whether the workers washed their hands or whether any of the facilities were regularly kept up to sanitary conditions.

c. Liquid chocolate was stored in a subterranean river system that left the substance at risk of exposure to contamination for a considerable length of time. Same goes for the other candy products in the Chocolate Room, which many of Golden Ticket Tour visitors touched with their bare hands. On the Golden Ticket Tour, Mr. Wonka took his visitors boat ride on the chocolate river in which one fell in while trying to consume its contents. It is not known whether Mr. Wonka ever ordered his workers to dispose of the chocolate.

 

II. Labor

1. Labor concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. One former employee who was at the factory during the Golden Ticket Tour testified that he spontaneously had his entire paying workforce laid off due to an issues in industrial espionage. Judging that the former employee was previously living in squalid conditions, saving up money from public assistance to buy his grandson a candy bar, and is cared for by of one of his children, it is highly unlikely any of Mr. Wonka’s former employees received compensation or worker’s pension. Though he has no bad feelings for Mr. Wonka and has now moved into the factory with his family since the Golden Ticket Tour, he still feels the need to acknowledge this since many of Mr. Wonka’s former employees still express bitterness over the situation.

b. Same former employee also said that after the layoff, Mr. Wonka had his paid workforce replaced by a large number of undocumented immigrants from some obscure Third World country that is not officially recognized status under the United States government and one even the geography teacher in the Golden Ticket Tour has never even heard of. It can be fair to say that none of them have any authorization to work in this country nor could provide any documentation.

c. Mr. Wonka has been reported to openly admit that he pays these undocumented employees in nothing but cacao beans. Yet, he says he does provide comfortable housing facilities for them, though we are not sure about their diets.

d. Though Mr. Wonka says his workers are happy at his factory, it is unknown whether he actually allows them to come and go as they please since there has never been anyone entering or exiting the facility in ten years. Then again, owing to his workers’ undocumented status, it does not appear they have much of a choice. Their strong fears about deportation should also be taken into account.

e. Mr. Wonka said that his current employees originate from a faraway place known as Loompaland, which was filled with carnivorous beasts who preyed on them. He says that these Oompa Loompas see him as some benefactor and that living and working in his factory for cacao beans is not much of a sacrifice to them. Yet, we only have his word for it since all they have been seen doing by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors consisted of producing candy, being test subjects in his experiments, drinking alcoholic beverages while on the job, and suddenly bursting into song and dance routines whenever there was a mishap involving four of the Golden Ticket recipients.

f. It has been witnessed that Mr. Wonka uses his workers to test for side effects in his confectionery, sometimes with severe and possibly fatal results though he does what he can to rescue them when such tests go awry.

g. Some have said that a few of the design ideas at Mr. Wonka’s factory have come from a few of his staff members themselves, though we are sure he usually takes the credit.

 

III. Food Safety

1. Judging by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors’ testimonies, we find the safety of some of Mr. Wonka’s products questionable to put on the market. These consist of:

a. Fizzy Lifting Drinks which are soft drinks that make people fly. Fortunately, they could descend through belching on this one despite that one Golden Ticket recipient and his grandfather were almost killed by a fan while on one of these.

b. Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum that turns its consumers into large blueberries once they get to dessert. Even if juiced, the victims remain purple forever and sometimes gain flexibility in their skeletal system.

c. Confectionery products being stored in unsanitary conditions and open for contamination.

d. Everlasting Gobstoppers which are said to never get smaller no matter how long someone sucks on them.

e. Ice cream that always stays cold and does not melt in the sun.

f. Staff handling confectionery without proper attire and possibly without observing basic hygiene.

g. Rainbow drops that people could suck and spit in six different colors.

h. Hair Toffee, a candy that causes excessive hair growth on both hair and chin (even on women). Major side effect for consumers includes having to use landscaping equipment to maintain their hair from then on.

i. Exploding Candy.

2. Mr. Wonka has yet to release a list of ingredients for many of his concoctions, many of which could contain harmful chemicals or pose dangerous side effects, particularly to children. If Mr. Wonka fails to cooperate with us, perhaps we can purchase some of these products for chemical analysis.

 

IV. Environment

1. We are not just concerned of what is in some of Mr. Wonka’s questionable products, but also whether he is using any chemicals or is properly disposing any excess waste transported out of his factory and the potential impact they may have in the surrounding community, particularly if it is a chewing gum that turns people into blueberries. We do know his factory has an incinerator but that is as much as we know about his facility’s waste disposal.

2. We are not sure what Mr. Wonka runs his machinery on or their environmental impact on the surrounding community. All we know is that he has perhaps the largest confectionery in the world which must consume a lot of energy and perhaps water. It is unknown whether Mr. Wonka has reverted to sustainable practices.

3. We suggest we test the water in the surrounding community to see whether  Mr. Wonka’s practices have any impact on public health.

 

V. Conduct with Minors

1. A while back, Mr. Wonka staged a contest to allow five lucky children into his factory by hiding five golden tickets in his chocolate bars.

2. During the Golden Ticket Tour four of the five children were involved in some dangerous situation whether it pertained to falling into a chocolate river and getting stuck in a pipe, getting turned into a blueberry while chewing an experimental gum, falling through a gaping hole that led to a garbage incinerator, and getting shrunk by a teleporter.

3. Despite what happened to these four children, Mr. Wonka has not issued an apology for the life changing trauma they went through at his factory. Rather he states that these children were spoiled brats who refused to listen to his warnings and have nobody but themselves to blame causing some to believe he steered them in to such trouble to scare them straight.

4. Mr. Wonka has also declined to give compensation to any of these four children and their families on account that he viewed their parents as indulging to their child’s every whim and should probably try being better parents. Has been known to politely discourage others from questioning him, including the parents. The parents have decided to sue for damages.

5. Apparently, Mr. Wonka seems to be either calm or amused to see children suffer under perilous conditions whether it is through a spectromatic boat tunnel that many of the Golden Ticket Tour visitors found rather scary or all the previous fates of four children he sees as “teaching a lesson” that boundaries should be respected.

 

VI. Mr. Wonka’s Character

1. In this investigation, we find Mr. Wonka as an enigmatic figure who has a problem with transparency, has more concern for his candy than human beings, and has no regard for industrial safety procedures whatsoever. He never thinks about what he put his former workers through or any impact he has upon the local community, the environment, or public health.

2. Mr. Wonka is a very rich man has not released his financial records for several years and it is unknown whether he actually pays taxes. He also has yet to disclose the names of those who supply him with raw materials or whether he pays them. Given his reputation as a one of the richest recluses in the world, Mr. Wonka fails to realize that transparency is the rule when running an industrial establishment.

3. Mr. Wonka fails to understand that to run an industrial workplace, particularly a confectionery, maintaining a clean and safe workplace are top priorities. While it is perfectly fine for Mr. Wonka to design his workplace as a creative playground, health and safety in the workplace should always come first whether that means having guard rails, having workers wash their hands and cover their hair, and making the facility easily navigable for workers and visitors. Mr. Wonka has ignored these.

4. Mr. Wonka also does not seem to understand that all food items should be stored in sanitary conditions and free from contamination. This means that all of his confectionery ingredients should be stored in sealed containers and not exposed to the open air. Who knows what the contents in the Chocolate Room have been exposed to.

5. Mr. Wonka does not see anything wrong with child endangerment whether it pertains to his products and factory equipment. In fact, he sees nothing wrong with releasing certain products that contain potentially harmful chemicals.

6. One visitor remarked that he mentioned the word “snozzberry” during a stop pertaining to flavored wall paper. The only definition our investigation managed to find for this word was a British slang term for penis.

7. Mr. Wonka does not see any reason to have his factory or policies structured to meet confectionery regulations.

 

VII. Response

1. That in evaluating these complaints from the Golden Ticket visitors and others, we continue our thorough investigation into Mr. Wonka’s activities by inspecting the facilities in question to determine whether there is any truth behind their complaints. If their testimonies prove accurate than it is with all due respect that we give time for Mr. Wonka to meet regulations or else face criminal charges for health and safety violations, food safety violations, workplace misconduct, hiring an undocumented workforce, environmental damage, lack of transparency, and child endangerment.

2. But first it would best to notify Mr. Wonka of the charges he may be up against and our intended actions during the investigation as well as inform him on what he should do to avoid arrest. Yet, even if he does conform to workplace regulations, this does not mean he is immune to lawsuits and criminal prosecution. Also, note that he designated the lone unharmed Golden Ticket recipient as his heir who is ten years old. Thus, Mr. Wonka might have been expecting this.