Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 3 – Lunch Money to Up Against the Wall Motherfucker!

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Now I know that at least a few of these games are meant for adults and weren’t made for families to begin with. But I’m sure there are plenty that have adult children. Of course, some of these games may involve sex and violence as well as degradation. Nevertheless, there are some games in this series I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, even adults. Then there are games I would certainly be fine with adults playing, particularly if they’re board game geeks. But many contain a lot of violence and disturbing content which must be proceeded with caution. Some may even involve people bringing out the worst in each other like backstabbing and the like. Thus, not recommended for families for any reason, even if the kids are adults. So for your reading pleasure here is my third installment of family unfriendly board games.

21. Lunch Money

The title might sound innocent enough. But it's really a game that involve some elementary school bullies at the playground stealing hapless kids' lunch money through any means necessary, even sadistic violence. Yeah, kind of like a version of Fight Club with kids battling it out for money.

The title might sound innocent enough. But it’s really a game that involve some elementary school bullies at the playground stealing hapless kids’ lunch money through any means necessary, even sadistic violence. Yeah, kind of like a version of Fight Club with kids battling it out for money.

Category: Fighting, Card, Roleplaying

Players:2-4

Contents: Deck of cards and tokens

Object: Basically this pertains to children running around on the playground beating up each other and stealing their lunch money. Moves range from punches, kicks, knives, and humiliation. Last player standing wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Not sure why. Seriously, I have no idea. But it’s for teens and up.

Why it’s not: Basically the object pertains to dominating your opponent through violence and bullying for personal gain. It’s like card version of Fight Club that involves stealing money.

Available?: Yes, and there are some expansions sets of Sticks and Stones as well as Beer Money.

22. Pain Doctors: The Game of Recreational Surgery

I guess this game was created by a guy who asked, "Now what can I do to get more psychopaths and sadists into considering medical school?" Let's just say that a game pertaining to recreational surgery is going to be real graphic and horrifying.

I guess this game was created by a guy who asked, “Now what can I do to get more psychopaths and sadists into considering medical school?” Let’s just say that a game pertaining to recreational surgery is going to be real graphic and horrifying.

Category: Card, Horror, Medical

Players: 2-6

Contents: Deck of cards, surgical charts, tokens

Object: A game of recreational surgery. Players get one of their patients healthy enough to withstand whatever surgery they want to perform on them. Other players would attempt to lower each other’s patients’ health at the same time. Once their patients do get surgery, then it’s a game of chicken with the players themselves. Keep on doing more surgery with inflicting as much pain on them as possible without sending their patients to the morgue and not scoring at all.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Not sure. Wonder if it was part of promotional campaign to encourage teenagers to consider a career in the medical field, preferably if they display potentially sadistic or sociopathic tendencies.

Why it’s not: Two words: recreational surgery. Seriously, the US healthcare system already has doctors performing a lot of unnecessary procedures on long-suffering patients as is (which is non-recreational as far as we’re concerned). The idea of performing unnecessary surgery just for recreation would be medical malpractice at its worst as well as a quick way for a real surgeon to lose their license and be thrown in jail.

Available?: Hopefully not.

23. Darkies in the Melon Patch

Now this may look like an old timey racist board game but it's really a modern fake (which makes it even worse). Nevertheless, it would be loved by anyone who's a fan of Chutes and Ladders as well as Birth of a Nation (with the latter group of fans being people I really don't want to associate with).

Now this may look like an old timey racist board game but it’s really a modern fake (which makes it even worse). Nevertheless, it would be loved by anyone who’s a fan of Chutes and Ladders as well as Birth of a Nation (with the latter group of fans being people I really don’t want to associate with).

Category: Racing, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: 4 stereotypically black player pieces, board, dice

Object: Think of it as Chutes and Ladders meets Birth of a Nation. Players try to get out of a local melon patch as quickly as possible. Hazards encountered are angry farmers, bearded grandmothers, as well as distracting events like melon races and spitting contests.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Maybe the designer wanted to rip off antique game collectors. I have no idea.

Why it’s not: For one, it’s racist as hell and when I compare something to Birth of a Nation, I don’t mean it as a compliment. Second, despite it being a game of seemingly old school racism as well as the old timey design, it’s probably modern fake.

Available?: Who in the hell would want to buy this? It’s the Birth of a Nation of board games for Christ’s sake!

24. Offshore Oil Strike

In 1973, BP sponsored this promotional board game to preach the blessings of offshore oil drilling. Of course, decades later this would come back to bite them with the 2010 Deepwater Horizon Explosion and Oil Spill.  Greasy and polluted fun for the whole family.

In 1973, BP sponsored this promotional board game to preach the blessings of offshore oil drilling. Of course, decades later this would come back to bite them with the 2010 Deepwater Horizon Explosion and Oil Spill. Greasy and polluted fun for the whole family.

Category: Commodity Speculation, Roll/Spin and Move, Oil, Gas, and Petroleum, Promotional

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, decks of cards, tokens of 4 different colors, fake money, site indicator

Object: Players take on roles of BP (Hull), Amoco (Bergen), Chevron (Rotterdam), and Mobil (Dieppe) in their quest for oil. As with other games of offshore oil exploitation, there is also the risk of storms will reduce production on, or eliminate, one’s oil platforms. First player to make $120 million in cash wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I think this game was a promotional product by BP in 1973 to raise awareness of the blessings of offshore drilling. Of course, it was a time of an energy crisis with the Saudi Arabian embargo.

Why it’s not: Because the 2010 Deepwater Horizon Explosion and Oil Spill should put the science at rest that offshore drilling isn’t an environmentally friendly way to extract resources. In fact, this incident made BP responsible for a catastrophic environmental disaster on the US Gulf Coast. In this game, oil spills only cost the player a small token amount of money to clean up and forget about. But in real life, oil spills put entire ecosystems in danger, pollute the water, and drive coastal business away ruining the livelihoods of many in the process. Swallow that and I’m sure it’s not a game that’s greasy fun for the whole family. Hope the pelicans and seagulls love petroleum sauce with their seafood.

Available?: It’s been discontinued, but continues biting BP in the ass to this day.

25. Mystic Skull: The Game of Voodoo

Voodoo is a real religion in the Caribbean and the Deep South. However, if you really want to know about Voodoo, you might not want to play this game. Seriously, it's the kind of Voodoo the media depicts with the black magic stuff and all.

Voodoo is a real religion in the Caribbean and the Deep South. However, if you really want to know about Voodoo, you might not want to play this game. Seriously, it’s the kind of Voodoo the media depicts with the black magic stuff and all.

Category: Children’s, Horror

Players:2-4

Contents: game board, cauldron, “mysterious moving skull,” voodoo dolls, bone, multicolored pins, tokens

Object: Players are witch doctors who try to fill their opponents’ voodoo dolls with pins while trying to keep their own from being filled. Stirring the cauldron with the bone, the mysterious moving Mystic Skull will magically stop at various voodoo segments around the board, directing players to place pins in each other’s voodoo do or to exchange tokens in order to remove pins from their own. When their tokens are up, the player is at the mercy of others. When their voodoo doll is full of pins, he or she is out of the game. The last person with empty pin holes in their doll wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in 1964 when Island and Tiki motifs were quite popular.

Why it’s not: Voodoo is an actual religion around the Caribbean and the Deep South. Sure they might have Voodoo dolls, but it’s been known to be misrepresented in popular culture. And no, Voodoo practitioners aren’t cultists and they don’t sacrifice virgins. Let’s just say the Voodoo practice in popular media is way different from the reality.

Available?: It’s most likely out of print.

26. Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure

In a more disgusting format of Candyland, join Mr. Bacon on a journey through Meatland. Has alternative rules to turn the game into a gluttonous meat fest. Might result in high cholesterol and cardiovascular disease.

In a more disgusting format of Candyland, join Mr. Bacon on a journey through Meatland. Has alternative rules to turn the game into a gluttonous meat fest. Might result in high cholesterol and cardiovascular disease.

Category: Food/Cooking

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, spinner, 4 game pieces, stands, and 24 game cards

Object: It works kind of like Candyland except players navigate through Meatland. Places on the board include the Mustard Marsh, Wiener Wasteland, and Sausage Sea. They also have dark places like Vegan Alley and Gristle Grotto. First to make it to the Great Frying Pan wins. Comes with alternative rules to turn the game into a gluttonous meat fest.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know, the popularity of bacon. It was made in 2009.

Why it’s not: For one, the worldwide obesity epidemic and how it’s perpetuated by the fast food industry, the work culture, rampant consumerism, and low wage workers stuck with dead end jobs while rich fat cats hoard money for all its worth. Second, let’s just say as creepy as Candyland may be, this meaty ripoff appears pretty disgusting.

Available?: Yes, it’s certainly available.

27. War of the Networks: The TV Rating Game

Now here is a board game based on the competitive world of network television before cable, conglomerates, premium channels and Netflix. It's an artifact that has ceased to be relevant.

Now here is a board game based on the competitive world of network television before cable, conglomerates, premium channels and Netflix. It’s an artifact that has ceased to be relevant.

Category: Economic, Auction/Bidding, Media Theme

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, flash cards, fake money, game tokens, star tiles, auction strips

Object: It kind of works like Monopoly with some media stuff involved in which players try to earn the most money by the end of the game (which is either when only one network is left on the air, or when certain tiles run out). Player may land on spaces that trigger various events like drawing an event card, auctioning off a new TV show, star, or Academy Award movie, or triggering a ratings war. During a ratings war, players lay out the tiles representing their prime time lineup of shows and movies, along with bonuses for stars and reviews. Shows with the lowest rating in their timeslot are cancelled and when networks have no shows left, it goes off the air and the player is out of the game.

Why they thought it was a good idea: To show how the TV business works I guess. Made in 1979.

Why it’s not: Because the TV business doesn’t work like that anymore with the advent of basic and premium cable, the rise of media conglomerates, and Netflix. Not to mention, while plenty of shows do get cancelled from time to time, a lot of reality shows are still kept on the air for years.

Available?: Probably not.

28. Moonshine

Now this is the kind of game that takes place during Prohibition in which you have homemade high content grain alcohol, hillbillies, fast rum running stock cars, and police. Might make you want to ask whether there's a board game.

Now this is the kind of game that takes place during Prohibition in which you have homemade high content grain alcohol, hillbillies, fast rum running stock cars, and police. Might make you want to ask whether there’s a board game.

Category: Economic, Transportation

Players: 2-5

Contents: game board, game tokens, deck of cards

Object: This games pits police and moonshiners against each other. Here, the moonshiners aren’t just here to beat the police but spoil other players’ moonshine as well. Each player has a chance to win and must take advantage of every situation, even if it means a moonshine player helping a police player.

Why they thought it was a good idea: This was made in the 1970s so perhaps nostalgia for Prohibition perhaps?

Why it’s not: Well, it involves organized crime and booze. Not to mention, the negative implications of the moonshiner stereotype. You know, a hillbilly in Appalachian Mountains. Plus, it’s probably not as fun as other bootlegging games.

Available?: Probably not.

29. Trafficking

Enter the cutthroat world of the marijuana trade and compete with your friends to become the Traffic King. Has ceased relevance in Washington State and Colorado. Maybe they should come out with a version that replaces  pot with meth. But then again, that would be a tie-in game to Breaking Bad.

Enter the cutthroat world of the marijuana trade and compete with your friends to become the Traffic King. Has ceased relevance in Washington State and Colorado. Maybe they should come out with a version that replaces pot with meth. But then again, that would be a tie-in game to Breaking Bad.

Category: Roleplaying, Roll/Spin, and Pickup and Driver

Players: 3-9

Contents: playing board, pack of 16 “Sour Grapes” cards, pack of 16 “Flip Out” cards, 8 THC Transit Passes, 1 Trafficking “Scores” Card, 1 marker crayon, 9 plastic moving pieces, a cardboard punchout card depicting characters and lids, 1 pair of dice, a supply of UNDERGROUND BUCKS in the following denominations $10, $20, $50, $100 & $500

Object: This is a game of the cannabis trade in which players featuring a Narc and 8 dealers. The object for the dealers is to become the “Traffic King” or the first dealer to sell a kilo of marijuana (36 ounces or “lids”) before getting busted by the Narc. For the Narc the object is to bust all the dealers before they sell a kilo.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in 1983 as a parody of the marijuana trade as well as the War on Drugs. Other than that, I’m not sure.

Why it’s not: For one, it’s not very relevant since pot is now legal in at least Washington State and Colorado. Second, this is a game pertaining to drug dealing and I’m sure shows like Breaking Bad or The Wire have made it clear why it’s not a good career choice. Then again, it’s for adults only but still.

Available?: Well it has its own website. But it’s said to have 420 in stock. Thus, it’s out of print.

30. Up Against The Wall, Motherfucker!

This was created by a Columbia University student in 1969 commemorate the first anniversary of a noted student riot. Gives you an idea of what the game is about.

This was created by a Columbia University student in 1969 commemorate the first anniversary of a noted student riot. Gives you an idea of what the game is about and it’s not pretty.

Category: Political, War

Players: 2

Contents: game board, 12 markers, 24 small cards

Object: Players consist of the radicals and the administration. Map features 11 political subgroups in the game (e.g. Black Students, Moderate Strikers, Alumni, Harlem Community). The object for the players is to have the most influence, determined by the marker positions on these tracks, for their side by the end of the 12th turn. During turns, players deploy abstracted units representing political leverage onto the tracks to ‘attack’ the other player’s units (as tokens, Dunnigan suggests small pieces of paper colored red or marijuana seeds for the Radicals, and blue bits of paper or capsules of Seconal for the Administration) and so move the markers towards their ‘end’ of the tracks.

Why they thought it was a good idea: This was created by Columbia University students in 1969 to commemorate the anniversary of the campus riots it’s derived from.

Why it’s not: Uh, because it’s based on the radical student protest riots in the 1960s which would later give rise to anarchist groups like the Yippies who raised hell during the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago.

Available?: Hopefully not.

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