Obituaries aren’t interesting reads since they’re supposed to inform readers of those who recently passed away, especially if it’s someone they knew. Most of the time they usually list the names of the deceased, their occupations and associations, family members, and funeral arrangements. Some may be touching, but they’re not very fun to read about either. And then there are the obituaries in which the deceased’s picture doesn’t match the person’s relative age at death. I mean you know how an obit opens with a young looking guy only to learn that he passed away at 92. Now I can understand if he was a movie star, a noted athlete, or Captain America. But some old guy who fought in World War II? Come on, chances are that he won’t look that hot at 92, for Christ’s sake! His grandkids didn’t remember him looking like that. Put in a more recent picture. Still, obituaries tend to be written by the next of kin, some of whom horribly suck at it as I described. Sometimes this is an easy process but other times it’s not. However, in this post, we’ll look at an assortment of death notices that break the traditional obituary criteria. Or those that are just very funny. So without further adieu, I present to you a treasury of obituary notices that try to get the last word. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.
- Here lies John Micheal McMahan who died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to take doctor’s (or anyone else’s) orders, and raising hell for a little more than 3 decades. Left no children (that we know of).
This guy seemed to be quite a character. Loved how they said they’ll escort anyone in a suit and Sunday’s best to their vehicles and that there may be profanity and alcohol involved. Also, said to bring something to stick on his casket if you just want to irritate him.
2. In lieu of flowers, the Unsworth family respectfully asked that donations be made to the American Cancer Society or anyone running against Barack Obama in 2012.
Let’s just say whoever contributed to the American Cancer Society had their money well spent. To anyone running against Obama in 2012, not so much. I mean, Obama is still president as of 2015.
3. RIP Larry Upright, loving husband, father, grandfather, and hater of Hillary Clinton.
Let’s just say if any of my relatives want me to write their obituaries, I’d just omit any political references. Also, let’s just say that I’m totally willing to vote for Hillary if she ends up the Democratic nominee. Let’s just say she’d be the safer choice than the alternative.
4. Of course, obituaries don’t have to be long and this one gets straight to the point.
Man, how many people wish they can do an obituary in two words or less like this guy. Just “Doug died” and nothing else.
5. Please pray for the loss of Stephen Merrill whose young life was cut short due to an uppercut by Batman.
He actually didn’t die that way. His family wrote it thinking it was how he wanted to be remembered. The real cause was most likely testicular cancer. So sad.
6. Condolences to the family of James Robert “Beef” Ward also known as Jimmy, Pork, and Bubba.
This guy certainly had a sense of humor as did his family. Their nicknames are hysterical. His mom is “Buffalo Butt”, dad is “Old Fart,” has sisters named, “Turtle,” “Hamburger,” and “Amos,” and a daughter, “Thunder Child.” The pet names seem rather normal in comparison.
7. Please remember James “Jim” William Adams, whose long illness deprived him of his final wish.
Well, we don’t all get to die by being run over by a beer truck on our way to the liquor store. Still, wishes that his funeral could just be a booze fest at some water hole.
8. We know we shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but sometimes even that’s not possible.
Man, seems like this Dolores was a real bitch. “Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society, and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life.” Yeah, she probably won’t be missed.
9. RIP Knoizki who died in a hot tub muttering death threats to anyone willing to listen. He will be missed.
Didn’t know that they had a hot tub at a military base. Thought they didn’t have such luxuries. Then again, he might’ve been an officer.
10. RIP: Roosevelt Conway, not that you would like the guy if you met him.
Now whoever who wrote this really didn’t say a lot nice things about this guy. But at least his obituary is pretty entertaining. Liked “Homegoing Celebration.”
11. Condolences to the family of Louis Casmir Jr., an unremarkable daredevil.
Man, this guy was a real lucky bastard with his last words being, “Watch this!” Makes me wonder how he died.
12. Mrs. Scrobola is survived by her children, a shitload of grand-children, and one big great-grandchild.
Yeah, wonder how they managed to get away with, “shitload of grandchildren.” Guess she just had too many to mention.
13. Frank Waller was a unique character. By “unique character” we mean asshole.
Yeah, writing an honest obituary is tough, especially if the deceased wasn’t so nice. I get the Mr. Waller was the rich guy who everyone in town didn’t like.
14. Mrs. Anello was survived by her dutiful son as well as a son and daughter who were ungrateful brats.
She may have been a loving wife and mother. But her kids never seemed to get along with each other. According to her obituary, that is.
15. RIP: Walter George Bruhl Jr., a dead person.
This guy must’ve been quite the character. He loved Monty Python and hated his wife wearing fur. His intro reads like lines from the Dead Parrot sketch.
16. Here lies Fritz Seidenstuecker, a 6 year old German Shepherd.
Since when did people write obituaries for their pets? Seriously, most people don’t make obits for their pets. Also, the guy’s owner could’ve gave him water.
17. RIP: Larmondo “Flair” Allen, “entrepreneur” and father of 9.
By “entrepreneur” they mean it as a nice little term for “drug dealer.” Honestly, I checked up on that. Besides, for a guy with 9 kids by 25, he doesn’t seem to come up with very original names.
18. Here lies Ian, teenage bacon and rootbeer connoisseur.
It’s always sad to see obits pertaining to kids, especially if their death was a shock. But the rootbeer and bacon part is pretty funny.
19. RIP Peter, the cricket watching cat.
This is from Britain and “cricket” here is a sport that’s like a cross between croquet and baseball. Still, he must’ve been a team mascot or something.
20. Here lies a young woman who died after being asleep for 24 years.
Hmm…getting in the obits for sleeping. Highly unbelievable. Seriously, I don’t know what to make out from this.
21. Here lies Owen Kobin, a guy who liked food and a lot of other stuff.
Notice how “food” appears a total of 4 times? Must’ve been very into it. By the way, this one’s from Florida.
22. RIP: Jack Goff. Yeah, that’s his name.
Ironically, this guy lived as an IRS agent for 47 years. Guess a lot of people didn’t like him very much, especially in April.
23. Count Goddfried von Bismarck: hedonist aristocrat and proud.
This guy seems like quite the character. Reading this you have to wonder what this guy hadn’t tried. I’ll let you read it for yourself.
24. Of course, if an obituary reads, “In loving memory of our Dick” there’s nothing that will make it less unintentionally funny.
I get that Dick is a nickname for Richard. But still, even though it’s an attempt at a touching tribute, you can’t help but laugh reading it.
25. With sadness we mourn the loss of John R. Gaines, who died by losing the cure for cancer in an underground high stakes bingo game with Chuck Norris.
Now this guy clearly died of cancer. But I have to admit, losing to Chuck Norris in high stakes bingo does seem like an awesome way to die. Well, at least to him.
26. RIP Big Al, a guy who always told it like it is and loved to swear.
Now this guy wasn’t living to far from where I live. Still, I have to admit that he’s right about PennDOT. Yeah, road construction does seem endless.
27. Condolences to the family of Aaron Joseph Purmort a.k.a. Spiderman.
Actually he’s not Spiderman. Just a young dad who died of cancer, which is mentioned in its own way. And no, he wasn’t married to Gwen Stefani either.
28. Of course, many obituaries contain pictures of the deceased. However, I’ve never seen one like this.
Now his obituary in the text is quite normal. However, his picture kind of emphasizes his sense of humor. Still, at least it’ll make the stylist’s job at the funeral home much easier.
29. RIP Fred Clark who never peed in the shower-on purpose.
He’s also another guy deprived of his final wish of being run over by a beer truck on the way to a liquor store. Also, wanted a booze fest funeral. Seriously, what’s with men?
30. Tudy Kenyon died on Friday the 13th….finally.
Guess this one operates on the principle, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” Probably wasn’t very popular.
31. Condolences to the family of beloved Principle Bill Eves and let er’ rip.
The guy’s picture on this obit is priceless. Known to educate people on the dangers of holding one’s farts. Also swore a lot.
32. In memorial to composer John Stump, a shy and reclusive eccentric who hated having his picture taken.
John Stump? Never really heard of him. Then again, I really don’t keep tabs on a lot of composers in Hollywood anyway. Still, this obit is pretty funny.
33. Here lies Graham Mason, journalist and raging alcoholic.
After reading most of his obituary, what amazes me most about him is that he died from emphysema. Then again, he most likely smoked, too. But I expected him to die of liver cirrhosis or alcohol poisoning.
34. RIP Norma Rae Brewer who died of hypothermia while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.
This woman actually said she died while climbing Kilimanjaro as a joke for her friends. In reality, she actually died of a stroke. Boy, were her friends disappointed.
35. We mourn the passing of Michel Sven Vedvik whose untimely demise was caused by the Seahawks’ lousy play.
Man, guess the Patriots winning the Super Bowl cost this guy’s life. Wonder if he’s ever heard of Deflategate. Probably had.
36. RIP Josiah A. Abeler, a Minnesota Twins fan who was angry at Joe Mauer and a Packers fan who once liked Bret Favre.
Funny, I wonder what made him stop liking Bret Favre. Oh, I think it might have something to do with Favre’s sexting habit. That might do it.
37. In memory of Marianne Therese Johnson-Reddick, may that awful mother rot in Hell.
Yes, I know that child abuse is real and parents continue to abuse their kids when they grow up. But this is not the kind of obituary you see every day. So it goes on this post.
38. Seems like Kevin McGroaty has achieved room temperature.
I think this might be another guy from the Pittsburgh area. Of course, it’s pretty funny that I might want to leave this to the reader’s judgement.
39. Please pray for the family of Sam Lickteig who died of complications from MS and a heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs.
Man, guess that Pittsburgh isn’t the only town with a football problem. Guess the Chiefs weren’t doing too well that season.
40. RIP Mary Corbett principal and bagpipe enthusiast who died of lung cancer.
Hmm….guess this woman also liked to smoke, too, which explains the lung cancer bit. Still, wonder what her preschool students thought about her bagpiping.
41. Here lies Michael “Flathead” Blanchard who enjoyed booze, guns, cars, and younger women until the day he died.
He’s also insisted that his funeral not be attended by anyone under 18. You can guess what kind of stories he wants his buddies to share. I’d expect an obit like this come from the John Goodman character from The Big Lebowski.
42. Please pray for the soul of Scott Entsminger, a lifelong and disappointed Cleveland Browns fan.
Yes, I know it’s hard to be a Cleveland Browns fan. However, as someone from the Pittsburgh area, I’m not exactly sure that I have it in me to sympathize with him. Still, he could’ve switched his allegiance to the Baltimore Ravens who got their start as the Cleveland Browns in his childhood.
43. Captain Donald Malcolm Jr. died nestled in the bosom of his family while smoking, drinking whiskey, and telling lies. Also of stomach cancer.
This guy died of stomach cancer because of his terrible health habits. Because if you continue that, you’re bound to die while younger than my dad.
44. In memorial to Hannah Murton, Taunton, New York’s resident crazy lady.
Now this woman was strange. Not only did she make a vow of virginity, she also had a coffin she’d lie in when she felt she was going to be sick. She also used it to store her bread, cheese, and clothes. Yeah, what a wacko.
45. Please pray for the soul of Toni Larroux, a loyal customer of the Waffle House.
Seems like a long suffering woman if you read her obituary. I bet her son is embarrassed about what she wrote about him.
46. Jack Jones enjoyed cars, Indy car racing, and movie trivia.
Let’s hope his love for racing contributed to his demise. Also, wishes everyone to watch the new James Bond movie. I think it was Skyfall, if I remembered. Dan Craig was good, but the movie–meh.
47. Here lies Charles Martin in his favorite comfy chair.
Of course, he had at least 10 grankids but that’s a continuing discussion. Of course, the funeral was over before this obit came.
48. Please pray for the soul of Fleetus Gobble. He has gone cold turkey.
Now this guy’s obituary is quite normal and lists his death as a heart attack. Still, anyone with the surname of Gobble is hard to take seriously.
49. Here lies Jeffery Riek, a guy who never wanted nothing from nobody.
Unfortunately, grammatically speaking, he always wanted something from somebody. You know how double negatives work. Loved how he described his family.
50. Here lies Moe Lester. Yeah, I know pretty unfortunate.
Maybe they should’ve stuck to his full name like Moses Lester. Moe Lester sounds a bit too creepy if you ask me.
51. Please pray for the soul of Father Firmus Dick.
I’d expect a guy with that name to at least be a guy who does porno movies. Not a priest. Seriously, that name is just a really terrible name for a priest. Or for anybody.
52. “Explorer Grant Dies, Prayed for Death One Year.”
Of course, since that guy had health problems, I bet being unable to shoot big creatures and travel made his life meaningless. Wonder what the “swan dance” was like for him. Maybe I don’t want to know.
53. Well, at least Tom Brady can be happy that at least one old lady supported him during Deflategate.
Yes, Patricia Shong was a mild mannered woman. But when it came to allegations of deflated footballs, she vigorously defended Brady’s innocence until the end. I kind of think her defense was very much undeserved since Brady was truly guilty.
54. Here lies Chan Holcombe, a guy who was circumcised with his dad’s pocketknife.
Now I have nothing against male circumcision, even in infancy. However, I don’t think the pocketknife was sanitary. Best be done by a doctor or rabbi.
55. Here lies William McCullough, the man, the myth, the legend.
Now I don’t know anything about this guy. But he seemed to have a big ego. I’m sure his diet might’ve led to his early death.
56. RIP Amos Shuchman, a man who loved everything in New York except the New York Times.
Yeah, as a New York Jew, you have to find him at least complaining about something. Still pretty funny. Ironically, this was found in The New York Times.
57. Of course, as she goes, Pink wants to leave with some advice.
Pink wants everyone to know that old pantyhose are really useful in a lot of things. And that you can use a BBQ brush to scare off a possum.
58. Here lies Johnny “Big Buck,” ladies’ man, game slayer, urban cowboy, and outlaw. He will be missed.
From reading this, you get the impression he used antlers in all of his decorating. Also said to like smart brunette women. Hmmm…
59. Here lies Mary Stocks who had more stuff than she knew what to do with.
I tried to preserve as much of the article as I can with the snipping tool. Of course, her obituary is a riot so I’ll leave it up to the reader to decide.
60. Here we honor Elaine Frydrych, an entertainer who didn’t like Hillary Clinton.
Yeah, seems like Hillary isn’t that popular among dead people. I wonder why that is. Well, maybe I’ll never know.
61. Katherine Moore would like to say goodbye and peace out.
Yeah, I bet this woman had quite a sense of humor. That or this was the only picture they could find of her.
62. Please mourn the loss of Jade Cara Downwind.
And it seems her family has opted to go with her bitchy resting face. Not sure if she had an unhappy life or if this was the only one her family could find.
63. Pleas offer condolences to the family of Richard A. “Dick” Butt who passed at 93.
Yeah, I don’t think Mr. and Mrs. Butt used good judgement when giving their son a name. But at least they didn’t live to see it. I mean the guy died at 93.
64. Stig Kernell just wants everyone to know that he’s dead.
It’s from Sweden but that’s just what it says. And it just gives the date as April 6, 2014.
65. Now here’s just an obit from an old goat who died at a ripe old age.
Of course, who ever was responsible for this obit should’ve used a better graphic. This one might give us the wrong impression.
66. Of course, Eddie Meduza wants to give his sister something before he goes.
Not sure what the power gliders reference was about. Guess they don’t have a word for it in Swedish.
67. Here lies Carole Roberson who for all her faults will still be missed.
This might be a little hard to read if you don’t zoom in more. However, they said her e-mails to her family were unintentionally hilarious. And she was a horrendous mom and mother-in-law.
68. Thurman Winston left a wife, children, grandchildren, and a bunch of backstabbing mother fuckers who owed him money.
Looks like someone needed to make a point about that. Yeah, somehow he gave people money who never paid him back.
69. Now before Val Patterson goes, he’d like to confess to something.
Well, if you want to get something off your chest about being a fake Ph.D. and stealing a safe, an obituary is the best place to do it. Of course, the police won’t be able to arrest you after you’re dead.
70. Here lies the Reverend George Ferguson, Canada’s con man preacher.
May be an example in religious hypocrisy. However, at lest his obituary is very entertaining if I do say so myself.
“So without further adieu, I present to you a treasury of obituary notices that try to get the last word.”
ADO not adieu